Class Author Title. Imprint .„ Price Sixpence or Fiftetin Cents lEli ' HI „ FRENCH'S ACTING EDITION U Number 2458 n i n r=in F=TF= i m DOG DAYS BY HERBERT SWEARS The fee for each and every representation of this play by amateurs is 10s. 6d. payable in advance to Samuel French, Ltd., 26 South= ampton Street, Strand, London, or their authorised representatives. NO BOOKS EXCHANGED rn i i r=nnr=ir==^^H LONDON SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd., Publishers. NEW YORK : SAMUEL FRENCH, Publisher, 71 26 SOUTHAMPTON STRBET, I I STRAND. ' 28 WEST 38th STREET. I ll=ini — — |[=1[^^^^E1[=1 6,000 PLAYS. 4 20,000 RECITATIONS Send for Catalogue, Po«t Fre«. "TIHE GUH>E TO SELECTING PLAYS" is pubKahed entiraly revised and brought up to date. Price la. SCENERY. With ■ view to obviate, at far at poiaible, the great difficulty amateurs experience in obtaining scenery, we have endeaTonred to cope with the situation by providing Strong Lithographed Paper which can be easily mounted on canvas, and then framed on woodwork. As all amateurs will have discovered, the expense of hiring or buying painted canvas scenery is very considerable, but by printing large quantities we can sell outright at a rate comparing favourably with that usually charged for the HIRE of painted canvas scenery. The primary object we have had in view has been to provide scenery which, by easy adiustment and additional sheets of lithographed paper, can b* made to fit any reasonable siie of stage. FRAMEWORK FOR THE INTERIOR SCENES. The framework of wood can be very easily constructed by any local carpenter. If any difficulty is experienced, we shall be glad to have the framework made and sent with the scene. In this case it would be very necessary for us to have at least a fortnight's notice. Any questions on the subject of our scenery will be gladly and promptly answered, and if the particulars of your stage — ^the height, the width, and depth, together with the position in which you require the doors, fireplace, or windows — are forwarded, we will submit you an estimate of the cost, either with or without framework. We do not send Scenery on Hire. FULLY ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent gratis on application. Turn to next page of coVer. "DOG DAYS" A COMEDY IN ONE ACT By HERBERT SWEARS Copyright, 191 5, by Samuel French, Ltd New York SAMUEL FRENCH Publisher 28-30 WEST 38TH STREET London SAMUEL FRENCH Ltd 26 Southampton Street STRAND F/?Co37 .W4-II6 TranGfsrrW frum ^opyrigh' 0*!,. nrT -4 1915 CHARACTERS Mrs. Hillary Digby. Miss Pinge. Madame Deauville. Miss Flewster. Ada (a house-parlourmaid.) Scene. — A Room at Miss Fleivster's Select Boarding Esictb" llshm3nt and Private Hotel, Bayswater, W, 1 The Fee for each and every representation of this play by Amateurs is Half a Guinea, payable in advance to : — Messrs. Samuel French, Ltd., 26, Southampton Street, Strand, Londcn, or their authorized representatives. No performance may be given unless a written permission has first been obtained. All the costumes, wigs and properties used in the performance of plays contained in French's list may be hired or purchased reasonably from Messrs- Charles H. Fox, Ltd., 27, Wellington St., Strand, London. . "DOG DAYS" Scene. — Room at Miss Flewster's Select Boarding Establishment and Private Hotel, Bayswater, W. The apartment is well, but plainly, furnished. A sash window with curtains c. at back. A door R.U.E., another door l.u.e., a writing-table and chair R., an oval table c, with chairs on either side. Fdre- place, with mantelpiece, and looking glass L. Sofa L.c. Pictures on walls. Small occasional tables at back. (Enter Ad A, r.u.e., with a tray on which are a small toothbrush, a hair brush and comb, a scent spray, manicure requisites in a case, a small table cloth, and a towel. She rests the tray on writing-table R., then spreads the cloth on oval table c, and carefully arranges the articles she has brought in. Ada is a Cockney servant, but the accent must not be overdone. ft should be remembered that she comes from Hackney Wick, not from Billingsgate. A moment later Miss Flewster enters r.u.e. Miss Flewster is a rather harassed lady of middle age, quite unfitted to direct a boarding establishment. She actually belongs to the period of Queen Victoria. Her grey hair is parted in the centre, flattened down on both sides and caught at the back in a tight knot. She wears gold-rimmed eyeglasses, a large cameo brooch is at her throat. She possesses a pathetic and pro- found admiration for persons of title and lives in an atmosphere of faded regrets. Miss Flewster surveys the preparations.) e- "DOG DAYS/* Miss Flewster. You've forgotten nothing, Ada f Ada. No, ma'am. Miss Flewster {with a liitle sigh). Mrs. Hillary Digby is so particular ! Ada. I know. Miss Flewster (adjusting her eyeglasses). Let me see ! There's the toothbrush, comb, nail polisher, scissors and towel — quite right. Ada. It's a mercy I don't 'ave to use them things ! I should never finish my stair carpets. Miss Flewster (gently reproving). There's no necessity for you to use them, Ada. Ada, No ! I'm only a servant. I'm not a dratted dog. Miss Flewster. Ada ! Please ! Ada. Well, it makes me fair sick, it do — to see the way Mrs. Dig goes on with her dog ! It must have this, and it mustn't have that — chicken for lunch and cream for tea (pointing to toilet requisites) and this 'ere set out every day. Miss Flewster. Ada, I cannot allow you to talk like this. Mrs. Hillary Digby is a very valuable boarder. She is lavish with her money Ada. I don't see much of it Miss Flewster, And is most considerate and well connected. Ada. These ladies and their pets ! Why, a baby couldn't have more attention ! Miss Flewster. That will do, Ada. You are not acquainted with Society. I am ! I have a brother in the Royal Navy. (Coughs.) I have not always kept a boarding establishment. Time was when I lived with dear papa at the Laurels. But that was long ago. Ladies of fashion are greatly devoted to their little dogs. Ada (contemptuously). More fools they ! Miss Flewster. It's quite a craze in these days. Ada. Dog days — I should call 'em. ^iss Flewster. I have been very patient with "DOG DAYS." 7 you. Ada, because you are a good and faithful servant . But I must beg 5'ou to treat Mrs. Hillary Digby with every respect. The fact that I allow her the use of this room for her dog's toilet causes some jealousy in my other boarders, but after all one must remember tliat Mrs. Hillary Digby is second cousin to Sir Max Pilsenheimer. the Scottish baronet. Ada. Lor' ! Miss Flewster. Her maternal uncle, it is said, was once in the Royal Circle. / Ada. Well, I've 'ad a aunt in the Upper Boxes, but we didn't brag about it. Miss Flewster. Ada ! That will do. Ada. I don't mind a dog as can bark like a Christian, but these 'ere snappy yappy little beasts Miss Flewster [silencing her). H'sh ! Mrs. Digby. {Enter ]\Irs. Hillary Digby, an extremely smart and vivacious lady. Over her dress she wears a large holland apron, with sleeves, and in her arms she carries- a small pet dog — the breed is immaterial. Mrs. Hillary Digby has a way of making the most extravagant suggestions, without pausing for, or needing, a reply. It must he home in mind that her absurd remarks are made in perfect good faith ; she is not attempting to be funny. She gives iitterance to the first thing that occurs to her and it would be a mistake to imagine her to he a fool. She is in point of fact extremely wide awake and invariably gets her own way.) Mrs. Hillary Digby [entering r.u.e.). Good morning, Flewster. Miss FleW'STER. Good morning, Mrs. Hillary Digby. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Good morning, Ada. Ada. Good morning, ma'am. ]\Iiss Flewster. And how is the beautiful trea- sure ? 8 "DOG DAYS." Mrs. Hillary Digby (holding up her dog). Isn't Birdie a dream ? Miss Flewster (enthusiastically) . Indeed, indeed ! (Ada laughs, and coughs to hide her lapse. The net result is a strange gurgling sound. Mrs. Digby and Miss Flewster turn sharply and look at her.) Ada. Beg pardon, ma'am. It's a catch in the throat. Mrs. Hillary Digby (clasping her dog to her bosom) . Is it infectious ? Ada. Not as I knows of. Mrs. Hillary Digby (anxiously). But are you sure ? , Ada. The doc. said it was the — the — the uvalora. Mrs. Hillary Digby (earnestly). Are you on the panel ? Ada. Yes'm. Mrs. Hillary Digby. You must have it seen to instantly. Birdie might catch it. I can run no risks. Miss Flewster. Pray don't be alarmed, Mrs. Hillary Digby. Ada knows her place. She wouldn't wait on you with an infectious complaint. Mrs. Hillary Digby. It's not for myself — it's Birdie ! Ada (moving towards door, l.u.e.). Shall I send Ameha, ma'am ? Mrs. Hillary Digby. No, no ! Birdie is used to you, and she can't bear Amelia (addressing dog) can you — my icksy wicksy wee ? Miss Flewster. You can remain, Ada. (Mrs. Hillary Digby sits on sofa, l.) Ada. Thank you, ma'am. (Behind their backs she makes a grimace at the dog.) Mrs. Hillary Digby. Is my sweetlet ready for its toilet ? Is my tipsy wipsy looking forward to its brushy wushy ? (Pressing dog'to her.) What an angel 1 "DOG DAYS." 9 Ada (advancing with towel). Towel, ma'am. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Thank you, Ada — on my knee, jTase (Ada arranges it.) That's right. Her toothbrush, please, Ada. (Ada gets it from c. table.) Birdie, open your mouth, dear — a leetle wider — {Taking brush from Ada.) Has it been sterilized ? Miss Flewster. Oh ! certainly, Mrs. Hillary Digby. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Now, Birdie, I know you hate it, but my pet will feel so much, much happier — with clean teeth. (Ada once again explodes.) Miss Flewster (severely). Ada ! Again ! Mrs. Hillary Digby. Keep away, please, keep away ! Where is the — er Ada. Uvalora ? Mrs. Hillary Digby. Can it be extracted — like the appendix ? Ada. I couldn't say, ma'am. Mrs. Hillary Digby. But you must surely know where it is. Ada (touching her throat). 'Ere, ma'am ! Mrs. Hillary Digby (in a tone of disapproval). It makes such a crashing sound. Poor Birdie is all nerves. I can feel her head beating. Surely something can be done. (Seriously.) Can't you wear a respirator tuned like an seolian harp. (With an inspiration.) Or perhaps you'd like to see my dentist ? Miss Flewster. The matter shall be attended to, Mrs. Hillary Digby. Ada. Fm sorry, ma'am, but if I hadn't a-coughed I should 'ave bursted. m "DOG DAYS/^ Mrs. Hillary Digby {seriously). Oh ! dear, dear, please don't do that. You may take her tooth brush. (Ada takes it.) Pohsher, please, Ada. mm (Ada gets nail polisher.) '^^4 Birdie, you must sit still. I shall be very cross in a minute. (With a quick transition to tenderness.) As if I could be angry with my treasure. (Takes polisher from Ada.) Thank you, Ada. Now, Birdie, be a good girlie. (Polishes the dog's nails. To MiSS Flewsier.) Isn't she sweet ? Miss Flewster. If only Landseer had lived to paint her ! Mrs. Hillary Digby. Oh, but he painted nasty great big dogs. Miss Flewster. Oh ! I htow ! Papa had one. Mrs. Hillary Digby. A dog ? Miss Flewster. No, no — a Landseer. Mrs. Hillary Digby. An original? Miss Flewster. Well, no, not exactly, but it was reproduced from the original. Mrs. Hillary Digby (polishing dog's nails). Oh ! Miss Flewster. It hung in the entresol. Mrs. Hillary Digby'. Hair brush and comb, please, Ada. Miss Flewster. As a boy, my dear brother— in the Royal Navy — was greatly attached to it. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Is your brother an Admiral yet? Miss Flewster. No — no, not quite kn Admiral. Mrs. Hillary Digby (taking brush and comb from Ada). A Commander, perhaps?' Miss Flewster (with great pride). Albert is an assistant-paymaster ! Mrs. Hillary Digby (brushing her dog's coat). Well, isn't that next door to it ? "DOG DAYS.'* U Miss Flewster. No, not exactly. Mrs. Hillary Digby. An^^way, it's^in the same building ! Birdie, zi^ill you sit still ? Birdie will soon be ready for Madan;ie Deauville. Miss Flewster. You expect Madame Deauville ? Mrs. Hillary Digby. She is making Birdie a little outdoor caUing coat. Birdie is jnost excited about it, aren't 'oo, darling ? (Hands back brush and comb to Ada.) Now, the scent' spray, please, Ada. Birdie loves her spray bath — doesn't she ? (Taking spray.) Thank you, Ada. There, my precious. It's nearly over now. Just a leetle more spray ! There, that will do for to-day. (Hands spray back to Ada.) Are zoo thirsty, little girlie ? Did it want a dinky-dinky dink ? She does, poor mite. Ada, get Birdie's saucer and a little milk, will you, please ? Ada (moving to door, l.u.e.). Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Hillary Digby. She's quite parched, poor darhng ! (Ada, no longer able to contain herself, bursts into a loud stifled laugh and makes a hurried exit l.u.e.) (Mrs. Hillary Digby turns quickly and looks at door.) I feel quite uneasy about Ada. Such a strange com- plaint. Perhaps she'd like to see my chiropodist. Miss Flewster. I don't fancy it's anything serious, really. Mrs. Hillary Digby. She makes such singular noises. Like the baying of bloodhounds. Miss Flewster. Fm extremely sorry. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Poor Birdie has already had one upset to-day. We met that odious Pinge woman on the stairs, with her rat of a dog. Why do you have such a boarder, Flewster?, Miss F^lewster. I admit Miss Pingc is not perhaps the crcme do la creme 12 ''DOG DAYS." Mrs. Hillary Digby. If she ever was, she's turned sour. Miss Flewster. But she pays regularly. Time was when my rafters rang with ducal laughter, but nowadays one has to make a living. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Her luck at bridge is too good to be true ; and she's always trying to find out the name of my dressmaker. I tell Deauville if she ever makes for the Pinge I've done with her. Miss Flewster. And you such a wonderful client. Mrs. Hillary Digby. I made Deauville — my friends and I. She daren't disobey me. Miss Flewster. She's quite French, isn't she ? (Re-enter Ada, l.u.e.) Mrs. Hillary Digby. Why, Ada, what a long time you've been. Ada. I thought it best to have it out, ma'am.. (Hands saucer to Mrs. Hillary Digby.) Mrs. Hillary Digby. What, the uva-thing- ummy ? Ada. No, me laugh — cough — I should say. (Out- door bell rings.) Mrs. Hillary Digby. I expect that's Deauville. When she comes please show her in here, Ada. Ada. Very good, ma'am, (Exit Ada, r.u.e.) Mrs. Hillary Digby (to her dog). Will Birdie have a little dinky dink ? Birdie's going to see her little coatie ! She knows all about it, don't you, my sweet ? (Re-enter Ada, r.u.e.) Ada. Madame Dovilly. (Enter Mme Deauville, very quietly and smartly gowned. She speaks with a very pronounced French "DOG DAYS." 13 accent. In her hand she carries a small farcel. Ada gathers together the dog's toilet requisites and places them on tray.) Mme Deauville (to Mrs. Hillary Digby). Bon- ;j our, ma dame. (T/zcn ^o Miss Flewster.) Bonjoiir, madame ! {Pointing at dog.) Ah ! the cherie ! How charming he look ! May I keese 'im ? Mrs. Hillary Digby (as though she were conferring a peerage) . When she has finished her milk you may. Take the saucer, Ada. (Ada does so and exits r.u.e. ivith tray.) Mme. Deauville. She is exquise ! I embraze 'er ! (Kisses dog.) Miss Flevvster. She is beautiful, is she not ? Mme Deauville. Oh ! but ravissante ! All my customare 'ave dogs — every zize and shape and couleur. But none so lovelee as zee leetle Birdie ! Mrs. Hillary Digby (obviously much gratified). Birdie, you mustn't listen — you'll grow conceited — you'll be giving yourself airs ! Mme Deauville (laughing and pointing to Mrs. Hillary Digby's lap). She give you 'airs. Miss Flewster (enthusiastically). How French! Papa always loved your country. Mme Deauville. Did 'e ? Miss Flewster. Yes. To the very end he revelled in French plums. Mme Deauville. He die — young — yes ? Miss Flewster. We laid him to rest in his seventy-sixth year. Mme Deauville. Oh la ! la ! he must have eaten a lot of plums. Miss Flewster (to Mrs. Hillary Digby). Will you please excuse me, Mrs. Hillary Digby ? I have to give some orders in the kitchen. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Certainly, Flewster. Miss Flewster (to Mrs. FIillary Digby). Good U "DOG DAYS." moirning, madame. {To Mme Deauville.) Ar behang too ! {This remarkable expression is in- tended to convey the French phrase — '* A hientot ".) Mme Deauville {bowing). A bientot, madame ! {Exit Miss Flewster, r.u.e.) (Throwing up her hands and laughing.) What a funny lady ! She speak with an accent — oh ! but an accent ! Mrs. Hillary Digby. Have you the coat, Deau- ville ? Mme Deauville. Ah ! pardon, madame — yes — I 'ave it 'ere. {Undoing parcel that she had tempor- arily placed on table c.) I 'ope you will think it preety. I m.ake it with my own 'ands. Mrs. Hillary Digby. That's very good of you, Deauville. Mme Deauville. Oh, but no ! I owe you every- ting, my beeziness, my customare, all — {Produc- ing small pink coat.) There ! La voila ! Mrs. Hillary Digby {enthusiastically). Oh! How perfectly twee ! Mme Deauville. I am so more than glad ! and 'ere is a riband and bow to go round 'is neck. {Dis- plays riband.) MRS"."*'ffTLLARY Digby. Lovely ! We must try them on at once. Birdie, you will be a smart girlie. I /"-"■^^ (Moves to table c.) You must stand on the table \ A: and keep still while I tie the . xib an ds^ round your ( ^ ^ jlittle tummy -tum-tummy ! {She ^ "slips on dog's and keep still while I tie the . xib an ds^ round your ^ ^ jlittle tummy -tum-tummy ! {She ^ "slips on dog's ^.^^i^jcoat which ties under the body with pink ribands and ^^ adjusts a huge pink bow at the neck.) ^TF3ie, will ' ^ you stand still ? Deauville, you've no idea how vain she is. She's longing to look at herself in the glas^s ! and she shall, my precious, as soon as I have tied these bows. Now ! {Crosses to mantelpiece and lifts dog up to glass.) There ! Mme Deauville. She look adorable ! Mrs, Hillary Pj§by. I'm taking her out to "DOG DAYS." 15 lunch to-day. I'm just going upstairs for a minute, Dcauville. Could 3^ou wait here — I want to give you back the patterns you sent. They are not qitite what I wanted. Mme Deauville. Very good, madame. Mrs. Hillary Digby (to dog). Come along, my angel. Sit down, Deauville, and improve your mind. {Pointing to writing-table.) You'll find all sorts of books on the table and last year's Academy Cata- logue — so you won't be dull ! {Exits R.U.E.) {Left alone Mme Deauville moves to ivriting-taUe and picks up several books, one after another — reads out titles, *•' A Pair of Hazel Eyes," •" Gangrene," by the Author of " In His Arms." Opens a chapter at random and reads.) {Enter Miss Pinge l.u.e., carrying a small dog. Miss PiNGE wears a palpable dark auburn, wig. Her complexion is of brick colour and her general appear- ance is both acid and forbidding. This effect she seeks to disguise by a set smile, that merely serves to accentuate the presence of her teeth.) Miss Pinge {at door). Deauville I Mme Deauville {turning sharply). Miss Pinge 1, Miss Pinge. How fortunate ! Mme Deauville. Oh, please — not so loud. Miss Pinge. What do you fear ? Mme Deauville. Mrs. Digby, she Miss Pinge. Are my things ready ? Mme Deauville. Oh ! yes — quite ready. Miss Pinge. Admirable ! Now telephone at once and instruct an assistant to bring them here imme- diately. Mme Deauville. But if Mrs. Digby discovered Miss Pinge. Rubbish ! she is going out to lunch. This is an excellent opportunity, 16 "DOG DAYS." Mme Deauville. If Mrs. Digby found out I make, for you it would be my ruin. Miss Pinge [with sinister meaning). Don't forget, Deauville, that you and I share a little secret ! Mme Deauville (giving in). Where's the tele- phone ? Miss Pinge (opening door l.u.e.). Here in the passage. I will keep guard. (Mme Deauville exits l.u.e.) '(Miss Pinge holds the door open and listens to the conversation.) Mme Deauville (heard speaking off stage). Are, 3^ou there ? Are you there ? 53G0 Bayswater. Yes. (Pause.) Is that you, Miss Jones ? Yes !■ Yes ! Pack up the grey coat and skirt and bring them to 25, I3arton Crescent. Yes, very urgent. Take a taxi. (Re-enter Mme Deauville, l.u.e.) It is only a few minutes in a taxi ! When Mrs. Digby has gone I return and meet Miss Jones on the door- step. Miss Pinge. Excellent, my dear Deauville, nothing could be better. {Re-enter Mrs. Hillary Digby, r.u.e., very smartly dressed for out of doors. She carries a reticiile and a small parcel, in addition to Birdie in her new pink coat. She holds the door open and speaks to Miss Flewster just before entering. Mme Deauville pantomimes to Miss Pinge to be silent.) Mrs. Hillary Digby (before entering). Oh ! dear, Miss Flewster, would you ask Ada to whistle me a taxi ? Thanks so much. (Enters r.u.e.) Here you are, Deauville (holding out parcel), here are the patterns — (Notices Miss Pinge. Surprised.) Miss Pinge 1 "DOG DAYS." 17 Miss Pinge (shewing a vast expanse of teeth). Yes, Mrs. Hillary Digby. Mrs. Hillary Digby. This is a surprise ! Miss Pinge. Is this apartment reserved for your exclusive use ? {Cah whistle heard off.) 'Mrs. Hillary Digby {ignoring the question and indicating Mme Deauville). You know this lady? Miss Pinge. I understand that she's a skilful dressmaker. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Oh ! indeed ! Miss Pinge (looking Mrs. Hillary Digby up and down). Though, of course, like every one else, she has her failures. (Enter Miss Flewster, r.u.e.) Miss Flewster. The taxi i^ at the door, madam. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Thank you, Flewster. Deauville, come with me. I have a word or two to say to you in private. Mme Deauville (resignedly). Very good, madam. Miss Pinge (holding up her dog). Napoleon is so interested in your little dog's coat. I expect he takes it for a pink rat. Mrs. Hillary Digby (at door, waving her hand). Oh ! don't, please. Birdie detests common dogs, almost as much as I — dislike common people. (With which Parthian dart Mrs. Hillary Digby exits quickly, r.u.e., followed hy Mme Deauville.) (Miss Flewster is moving in the same direction when Miss Pinge calls to her.) Miss Pinge. Miss Flewster. Miss Flewster. Yes, Miss Pinge. . Miss Pinge. I wish to speak to you. Miss Flewster. Certainly, Miss Pinge. Miss Pinge. Will you be good enough to tell me IS "DOG DAYS." why you give preferential treatment to Mrs. Hillary Digby ? Miss FleWster. I assure you every one is treated alike. Miss Pinge. That is not so. Miss Flewster. If you would like to change your room. Miss Pinge. I'm not speaking of my room. Miss Flewster. The same food is served to all; Miss Pinge. I do not refer to the catering. Miss Flewster. Then may I ask ? Miss Pinge. You permit Mrs. Hillary Digby io use this room for hej- detestable dog's toilet. Why is it denied to Napoleon ? Miss Flewster. One could not miake it a general practice. Miss Pinge. Precisely — you differentiate. That won't do. Miss Flewster. Miss Flewster. I am sorry you should feel aggrieved . . Miss Pinge. Listen to me, Miss Flewster. I intend to brush Napoleon in this room. Miss Flewster. But Miss Pinge. I insist. Miss Flewster. The other boarders would object. Miss Pinge. I don't care a snap for the other boarders. (In a voice of Fate.) Miss Flewster, what of the episode of the tinned salmon ? Miss Flewster (nervously). Oh ! please, please ! Miss Pinge. A word from me and the house would be empty. Miss Flewster. Have mercy ! Miss Pinge. Then do I, or do I not, brush Napo- leon in this room ? Miss Flewster. Surely some other apartment ? Miss Pinge. This or nothing. Miss Flewster (giving way). Very well, Miss Pinge ! But I beg of you not to let Napoleon clash mth Birdie !' - . "DOG DAYS." W Miss Pinge. We shall see. (Re-enter Ada, r.u.e., announcing Mme Deauville.) Ada. Madame Dovilly. (Re-enter Mme.DeauvilLe carrying a large cardboard box.) Miss Flewster (surprised). Madame Deauville 1 Mme Deauville (seeking an excuse). Oh ! yes — I return for my — my — handkerchief — -did I drop 'im 'ere ? Miss Pinge. We will look for it. You needn't wait, Miss Flewster. I have a little business with Madame Deauville. Miss Flewster. Very well, Miss Pinge. ' (Exit. R.U.E.) Mme Deauville. Mrs. Digby is suspicious. Miss Pinge. Don't be alarmed. Mme Deauville (nervously). Oh ! but I am— ^ please let me go 'ome ! Miss Pinge (pointing to box). Is it there ? Mme Deauville (nods). Yes. Miss Pinge. Then I'll try it on at once. Mme DeauviIlE. No, no, Mrs. Digby will return, I know it. Miss Pinge. Deauville, another word and I wilK let the whole world know that your real name is Matilda Jenkins,- afnd that you are no more French than I am. Mme Deauville (speaking in perfect English)y You couldn't do such a thti^g. Miss Pinge. Come to my room at once then'. Mme Deauville (resignedly). Very well, madatn. Miss Pinge (showing her teeth). That's better. You are a sensible woman, Deauville. (Moves t0 door l.u.e.) a French modiste is one thing:— a little' English dressmaker another — eh, Matilda ? (Laughs- 20 "DOG DAYS." shrilly.) And we are so prejudiced in favour of the former ! We can reach my bedroom by the back staircase. {First the street hell, then a commotion and sound of voices is heard in the hall.) Please follow me, quick ! I hear voices. {Exeunt hurriedly Miss Pinge and Mme Deauville, L.U.E.) (Meanwhile the noise outside increases and finally <- Mrs. Hillary Digby enters in a great state of excite- ment, R.U.E., folloived by Miss Flewster and Ada.) Mrs. Hillary Digby {collapsing into a chair). I am going to faint — another minute and I shall be unconscious. Get me brandy and feathers and smelling salts and sal volatile and burnt almonds — quick — why don't you run ? Miss Flewster (greatly flustered). Run, Ada, run. Oh ! if only Albert were here ! [Exit Ada, r.u.e.) Mrs. Hillary Digby (sharply). Who's Albert? Miss Flewster. My dear brother — in the Royal Navy. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Is he a sleuth hound — could he track down the villain who has robbed me of my treasure ? Miss Flewster. He is brave as a lion. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Then send for him. Miss Flewster. Alas ! he is rolling on the bil- lows. Mrs. Hillary Digby. How stupid 1 Where's Ada — where 's (Re-enter Ada, r.u.e., with smelling salts, etc.) Another minute and I should have lost consciousness- The salts — quick "DOG DAYS." 21 (Ada hands smelling bottle.) The feathers — hght them. (Ada proceeds to do so at fireplace.) Miss Flewster. Please tell me once again Mrs. Hillary Digby. I stopped at a Post Office to send a telegram to Uncle Bmiibleton and left Birdie on the seat of the taxi, together with my reticule. When I returned the taxi was gone — ■ Birdie had disappeared. I could hardly believe my senses. I flew to a policeman. I scarcely kn^ew what I said. (Ada has now succeeded in igniting the feathers and advances flour ishiftg them at Mrs. Hillary Digby.) What are you doing ? Ada. The feathers, ma'am. Mrs. Hillary Digby [waving her away) . Be quiet. The policeman flourished a book at me and kept asking if my name was Hillary Digby, or Digby Hilary. He was dull as an owl. Meanwhile the thief who has stolen my Birdie was making good his escape. (Ada offers sal volatile.) Take it away. [Proceeding.) Thinking that Birdie might have run home— back I came — only to hear that you've seen no sign of my angel ! What am I to do, Flewster ? Surely you can suggest something. Miss Flewster [proudly). Papa would have known, yes. Papa would have known. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Well, where is he ? Miss Flewster. Alas ! he sleeps at Kensal Green. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Good gracious, Flewster, all your family seem to be either rolling on billows or sleeping on greens ! It's most improper ! Who could wish to rob me of my angal ? Have I some enemy — is there some poisonous reptile who wishes ,22 "DOG DAYS." me harm ? There is ! (Starts to her feet.) Pingei Miss Flewster. Oh ! try to be cahii. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Don't be an idiot, Flew- ster ! Where is Pinge ? She covets Birdie ! What has she been doing ? Miss Flewster (faltering). She received a visitor with a box. Mrs. Hillary Digby. A visitor with a box I Who ? Miss Flewster. Madame Deauville ! Mrs. Hillary Digby. Deauville back here — in my absence — with a box — conferring with Pinge! Why, I caught them plotting together before I left. There's mystery here ! Are they still in the house? Ada. Yes, ma'am, in Miss Pinge's bedroom. Mrs. Hillary Digby, I begin to fear the worst. A crime may have been perpetrated. Oh, heavens ! Birdie may be in that box ! Miss Flewster (in anguish) . Oh, never, never ! Mrs. Hillary Digby. Send for carpenters. Let battering rams be brought. Miss Flewster (nervouslyi). For what purpose? Mrs, Hillary Digby. To dash her bedroom door in ! Ada (working to door,L.v.E.), I think I 'ear them a-coming, ma'am. (Opening door.) Yes, they're talking on the landing. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Take these things away, Ada. (Pointing to smelling salts, etc.) We must hide — oh ! my breaking heart ! (Weeps.) But I must be brave — they have some guilty secret — something tells me that I shall hear news of Birdie's fate, (Ada exits r.u.e, with smelling salts, etc,) Hide, Flewster ! Miss Flewster (weakly). Where am I to go ? Mrs. Hillary Digby (sharply). Can you balance yourself on the window sill ? jVlJSS f'LEWSTER (pathetically). No, no, '• DOG DAYS/^ 23 Mrs. Hillary Digby. Could you lie prone on the rug in the guise of a tiger ? Miss Flewster (half crying). I'm sure I couldn't, Mrs, Hillary Digby. Then get behind the cur- tains, If it should be necessary, at a word from me, you must spring from your lair and pin them to the earth. Miss Flewster (sadly). Oh ! if papa but knew 1 Mrs. Hillary Digby. Quick ! I hear them. (Bimdles the unwilling Miss Flewster behind one ivindow curtain and gets behind the other herself. After a moment Mrs. Hillary Digby peeps from behind curtain.) You are breathing heavily, Flewster ■ — control yourself Miss Flewster (peering from behind curtain). I fear I'm going to sneeze, Mrs, Hillary Digby. Absurd ! Think of some- thing else ! Divide a billion by sixty-three. Hush ! (Re-enter Miss Pinge, l.u.e,, ivithout her dog, folloisjc^- by Mme Deauville carrying the cardboard box.) Miss Pinge (as she enters). Matilda, I am dis- appointed. Mme Deauville (in perfect English). Why do you call me by that name ? Miss Pinge (maliciously). It's your own, isn't it ? Mme Deauville. Yes, but I can't afford to use it. Suppose Mrs. Digby knew all ? Miss Pinge. Why did you not carry out my instructions fully ? MiNfE Deauville. I did my best. Miss Pinge. You should have made better use of the fur. (Mrs. Hillary Digby and Miss Flewster peep out from behind curtains.) Mme Deauville, I'm sorry. Miss Pinge. Besides, I told you to procure the cheapest stult en the market, §4 "DOG DAYS." Mme DE4UVILLE. But you said you wished fot something — kiiUng ! Miss Pinge. Certainly. But inexpensive stuff is frequently as effective ! Mrs. Hillary Digby {in a hoarse whisper). As I thought ! Poison ! r Mme Deauville (starting). What was that ? (Mrs. Hillary Digby and Miss Flewster withdraw their heads from view.) Miss Pinge. Nothing ! The coat must be pulled to pieces ! (Mrs. Hillary Digby groans behind curtain.) Mme Deauville {starting). I'm sure I hear some- thing. Miss Pinge. Merely the traffic. Mme Deauville. Well, I will take it home. Miss Pinge. Do. And this time please cut as I direct. (Mrs. Hillary Digby and Miss Flewster look out from behind curtains.) Mrs. Hillary Digby (in a whisper). Assassin ! Mme Deauville. I will do my best. Miss Pinge. And I'm looking forward to the moment when I shall parade the result before that cat Hillary Digby. Mrs. Hillary Digby (emerging from, behind curtain and addressing Miss Pinge). Reptile ! Envenomed serpent ! Lucretia Borgia ! Flewster — where are you? Miss Flewster (feebly, appearing from behind curtain). Here ! Mrs. Hillary Digby. Seize a bludgeon and fell this creature to the earth. Miss Flewster (pathetically). Oh ! I can't ! I can't ! "DOG DAYS." 25 Miss Pinge. What does this mean ? Mrs. Hillary Digby. It means that your guilty secret is discovered. Mme Deauville. Oh ! forgive me, Madame. I begged her to employ some one else. Mrs. Hillary Digby (pointing to box). Give me the result of your handiwork. Miss Pinge {interfering). I shall allow ho such thing. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Heartless wretch ! You would separate me from the dear remnant of Miss Pinge. Remnant ! How dare you ? Mrs. Hillary Digby (endeavouring to seize box). I claim this and all it contains. Mme Deauville. Oh, but Madame, it isn't finished ! Mrs. Hillary Digby. Horrible creature ! Mme Deauville. Every time I used the scissors I trembled. I thought suppose Madame knew ! Mrs. Hillary Digby (gasping). Hah ! Mme Deauville. The neck is not cut as you would Hke it. Mrs. Hillary Digby, Give me the box ! Miss Pinge. No, no ! Mrs. Hillary Digby. Yes, I say. (They each seize ayi end of the cardboard box.) Flewster ! Miss Flewster (feebly) . Yes ? Mrs. Hillary Digby. Procure Maxim guns and train them on these miscreants ! Miss Flewster (helplessly). Where — can I get them ? Mrs. Hillary Digby (struggling with box). White- ley's — of course ! Miss Pinge. Leave go, woman. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Homicidal maniac. Flew^ ster ! Miss Flewster (tearfully). Yes. ■28 "DOG DAYS.'* Mrs. Hillary Digby. Order a straight W^iistcoat instantly. Miss Flewster. Oh dear, and the telephone is out of order. {In the stntggk for the box the lid is torn off and the corltents are exposed to view.) Mrs. Hillary Digby (snatching out a coat and holding it up). What is this ? Mme Deauville. Oh ! madam — she forced me to make it for her. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Wlr-re is Birdie ? Mme Deauville. I've n > idea, madam. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Haven't you murdered and rhutilated her ? Mme Deauville. Oh, no ! madam. I shouldn't know how. (Enter AviX, r.u.e., -with Birdie in her arms and carrying Mrs. Hillary Digby's reticule.) Mrs. Hillary Digby [turning). What! can I believe my eyes ? My own, my treasure, my inky- dinky doo ! [Flies to the dog and clasps it in her arms.) Ada. The taxi driver brought her back. Mrs. Hillary Digby. Why didn't he wait at the Post Ofhce ? Ada. Some one told him his *ome was afire — for fun like ! — he didn't stop a minute — only thought of his wife and kids — when he got *ome and found it was a 'oax — he swore proper, he says he did — then he remembered you and Birdie and drove straight back 'ere. Mrs. Hillary Digby (taking out purse from reticule). Go, Ada, give him the wealth of the Indies. Ada. 'Ow much is that, ma'am ? Mrs. Hillary Digby (coimting out coins). Three and sixpence. "DOG DAYS." n Ada. Thank you, ma'am. (Exit R.U.E.) Mrs. Hillary Digby. Deaiiville, it has just occurred to me — why aren^t you speaking broken Enghsh ? Miss PingE; Because her name is Matilda Jenkins ! Your French modiste is nothing better than a pettifogging Enghslr dressmaker. Mrs. Hillary Digby. I was quite aware of it. Miss Pinge (snorting with rage). Tscliah ! Mrs. Hillary' Digby. Miss Flewstcr, did I understand you to say that Miss Pinge's room was required next week ? Miss Flewster (timidly). Er — well Mrs. Hillary Digby (sternly). By the Duchess of Northumberland, I think you said. Miss Flewster. Oh ! yes, how foolish of me to' forget. Miss Pinge. Perhaps in addition you have for- gotten the episode of the tinned salmon ! Mrs. Hillary Digby. Oh ! no she hasn't. Tinned salmon isn't the only thing that's fishy in this house. There's your play at Bridge, for instance. Miss Pinge. This is infamous ! I shall go to my solicitor — instantly ! (Enter Ada, r.u.e.) Mrs. Hillary Digby. Oh ! Ada, get Miss Pinge her bonnet and shawl, and put her into a tuppeny bus, will you ? Miss Pinge (at door). You shall pay heavily for this slander. (Sweeps out, r.u.e.) Ada. Please, ma'am. I gave the taxi-driver the three and six and he wished to know w^hether it was time and petrol j^ou was a-paying for, or if you Vvanted to buy the blooiTiing cab ? 28 "DOG DAYS." Mrs. Hillary Digby (very excitec^. Oh! .the wretch — the ungrateful ruffian — I'm going to faint (Si7tks on to chair.) The room is dancing about hke Pavlova. Flewster, get an ambulance — Ring up Sir Pilkington Boodle — (Suddenly, in a voice of -re^gr^et) I wish I'd only given him half a crown! Quick Curtain, Butbi' k Tanner Frome and Lon^ Continued from second page of coVer, SCENERY. Our stock of scenery consists of The Oak Chamber Set. This scene will be found suitable for the purpose of an ordinary interior in nearly all plays requiring a room which is not representing a drawing-room, kitchen, or a very poverty-stricken type of room. The kind of furniture used in it will naturally do much to indicate the status of the people inhabiting The Drawing-room Chamber. This scene has been prepared on exactly the same lines as the oak chamber, and with the same object in view— the increase in both height and width according to requirement. Both Large and Small Garden Scenes Both Large and Small Wood Scenes A Drop Scene Puffed Satin Paper for Proscenium Fireplaces House^'piece for Street Scene Interior Window and Interior Doors FULLY ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE Sent ftnitia on appUcadoa to SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd., 3* Southamoton Street, Strand, London ; or 28 West 38th Street. New York City, U.SJi. The Latest Additions to French's Acting Edition 2501 DEALING IN FUTURES. By Harold Brighouse . . . . . . . . Is. 2502 GRAFT. By Harold Brighouse . . . . Is. 2503 THE TRUANTS. By Wilfred T. Coleby Is. 2504 WHAT HAPPENED TO JONES. By George Broadhurst . . . . . . Is. 2505 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. By George Broadhurst . . . . . . . . Is. 2506 ANN. By Lechmere Worrall . . . . Is. 2507 PLAYGOERS. By Arthur W. Pinero . . 6d. 2508 NOCTURNE. 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