French's International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and the United States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors WINNING AN HEIRESS PS 635 .Z9 P3565 Copy 1 A S^uvt^ In ©tiF Art SEVEN MALE CHARACTERS BY F. URSULx\ PAYNE NOTE. — Amateurs may perform this play without payment of royalty. Copyright, 1915, by SAMUEL FRENCH PRICE 25 CENTS. New York SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER 28-30 WEST 38th STREET London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street STRAND WINNING AN HEIRESS A JTarr^ In ©tun Arta SEVEN MALE CHARACTERS BY F. URSULA PAYNE Copyright, 1915, by SAMUEL FRENCH New York SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER 28-30 WEST 38th Street London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street, STRAND ^ lo^ WINNING AN HEIRESS, CAST OF CHARACTERS. Ben Borrow Henry Hardup Sam Slow . Impecunious Chums living Andrew Askum I together Ned Natty J Israel Cohen A tailor Jimmy Crapps The janitor's assistant To be mentioned on Miss Highrox, An heiress I the program, in Mrs. Keerful^ Her aunt [ order to surprise audience at end. ©CLD 41214 JUL 13 1915 Winnio^ an Heiress ACT I. Scene : — Room in small flat, New York City. The room is furnished fairly well, is not very neat, and is decorated with pennants, posters, etc. • Window, center, back. Doors right and left up stage. Shelf and mirror, left. Table, center, with newspapers, writing materials, smoking articles, etc. Lounge, right of window, chair left of window, chairs right and left of table. Over the zvindozu, rear, is a poster which says "We Should Worry!" Piperack left of zuin- dow. Curtain rises discovering Henry Hardup and Ben Borrow seated at center-table. Henry right; Ben left. Their coats and vests are missing, and both are reading nezvspapers on which appear in large letters, " HELP WANTED, male:' Ben snatches knife from table and quickly cuts out ad. Ben. How's this, Hennie? This just suits muh ! (Reads) " Wanted, handsome youno- man, plenty of brains, good family, quick at figures, pleas- ing manner, well educated, fond of children, good disposition, thoroughly honest, doesn't drink, smoke, chew, play cards or stay out late. Consistent church-member, fine figure, neatly dressed, well rec- 3 4 AVINNING AN HEIRESS. ommended, plenty of nerve. Must work fifteen hours a day, chaperoning an opera-singer. Salary ten dollars a week. Apply, by letter only to S. A. S., World, Uptown. Henry ( Who has been staring, his mouth getting wider and wider open, and who has shozun other signs of collapse) Fine, old man! Just suits you. I — I notice one thing in which I believe you will excel all other applicants. Ben. (Drawing himself up) Exactly. Which one? Henry. You have it all right. Plenty of nerve ! Ben. (Subsiding) Henry, you never did ap- preciate me. It's your one short-coming. How many ads. have you answered to-day? Henry. (Indicating letters) Seventeen. Ought to get something out of them, I reckon. Blame it! A feller can't get along like this forever ! Ben. Well, this will be my twenty-first. (Seises pen, and begins to write) S. A. S., World, Uptown, Gentlemen : In answer to your advertisement in to- day's " World " would say, I am a handsome young man (Enter Andrew Askum, right.) Henry. Hello ! Andy. What's up ? Andrew. Chucked ! ( Throzvs dozun hat and coat) Ben. (Laying dozvn pen) Chucked! What for? Andrew. Late again this morning! Henry. Well, I'll be jiggered ! Why didn't you tell him all about it, — sick aunt, sent for doctor, or something ? Andrew. No go ! No go ! He said he guessed it wasn't aunt but ante. Ben. (Laughs behind hand) Sly old fellow, that boss of yours. WINNING AN HEIRESS. 5 Henry. E^nappreciative though. That's the way with all my bosses, all unappreciative. Ben. Well, we're all in the same boat. Hennie and I have been answering ads. all morning. I'd offer you this one, but fear you'd hardly suit. Not handsome enough I'm afraid. Andrew. {Sitting on lounge) It's good the rest of the fellers have jobs. {Enter Sam Slow, right.) Henry. {Jumping) jeboshaphat! What's the matter with you, Sam? Sam. {^Throwing down coat) Fired! Henry, Ben a77(i' Andrew. Fired! What for? Sam. {Drawling) He said I was sleepy! Henry. Sleepy, Heavens man ! You should have told him that you were much sleepier at 4 A. M.! Sam. Fie says I've acted sleepy for a month. Wanted to know why my mother didn't put me to bed early. Ben. {With feeling) I always said I'd be a mother to you, Sammy old boy. I told you to go to bed last night, now didn't I ? Henry. It's good v^^e have Ned still left with his seventeen per. Jingoes ! We'll have to see that he doesn't get into debt hereafter. We've got to live somehow, by Gosh ! Ben. Dear old Ned, I always loved Ned! {Enter Ned, right. All start.) Sam. {After a pause, slozvly) Getting a holiday ? Ned. {Throwing dozvn hat and coat) No, bounced ! Chorus. Bounced! What for? Ned. Boss said I didn't have my mind on busi- ness. Too many other interests. 6 Winning an heiress. Ben. It's Cecelia. I suppose you have her pic- ture in your watch. Ned. {^Taking ovtt watch) Yes, there she is. She's a winner, all right ! Henry. Yes, no doubt, but you won't be if you've lost your job ! Ned. {Sentimentally) She doesn't care for money. She loves roses. Ben. {Aside) At tv/o dollars apiece! Sam. {Slowly) Well, this zV a go ! How're we gong to live? Ben. I wish you hadn't lent Uppers that farty dollars, Henry. Henry. O well. Uppers is a good skate all right, and he was in a hole. I hated to see the poor thing suffer. Ben, Maybe he'll pay it back soon. Henry. Swell chance ! Andrew. If only we didn't owe anything! Ned. O, blame the debts ! {Ring at the bell. Ben starts up.) Andrew. Hold on, old man. Call down the tube first. Henry. {At door right) No use, he's coming up the stairs. Sounds like old Cohen, too. Who doesn't owe him anything? Ben you're the only one. You'll have to stay and face him. {Exit, left, all but Ben.) Cohen. {Outside) Is the gentlemens in? Ben. No, all out but me, Mr. Cohen. Better come another time. Cohen. {Raising voice) But I must come in now. If you open dis toor I tell you about mine family. Henry. {Looking in left) Let him in, Ben, or the whole house will know ! Give him some jolly. Only keep him still ! WINNING AN HEIRESS. 7 Ben. {Opening the door) AVell, come in, Mr. Cohen, come in! {Exit Henry). {Enter Mr. Copien.) Mr. Cohen. You see, Mister, I must haf dat moneys quick. My wife, she haf fall down and sprain her ankle. Ben. Too bad, Mr. Cohen. You have my sym- pathy ! Now, I think I have a little something that may help her. {Looks around wildly, seizes bottle of hair-restorer. Aside) Ned's hair-restorer, use- ful at last! {Aloud) Ask your wife to try this Mr. Cohen. It is fine for, for shoulders, — I mean ankles. And remember me to Mrs. Cohen. {Pushes Co^^^ toward .door right) Cohen. But, my moneys, I want my moneys ! Ben. Yes, I know, but you see I don't owe you anything, — yet ; and the other gentleman are out — very much out, — and really I shall tell them the moment they come in. {Pushing him tozvard door) I knov/ that they will feel so sorry for Mrs. Cohen, and will want to pay up at once, and {pushing him out) don't forget to use the medicine! {Through the door) Use plenty of it; it's fine! {Enter Ned, followed by the others.) Ned. Confound you, Ben ! Did you give that old Sheeny my hair-restorer? Ben. Now come, old man, be reasonable, Cohen's wife has a sprained ankle, and Ned. But that stuff cost a whole dollar. Henry. {Taking hold of Ned's hair) " Dan- derine grew this hair and we can prove it." Sam. {Slowly) You mustn't mind being a little bald, Neddy, dear. You can see fine from the bald- headed row. Andrew. Besides, a bald spot looks so distin- guished. 8 WINNING AN HEIRESS. Ned. {Knocking down a chair) Confound it! You fellows have no feeling ! {Knock at door, right. The hoys start toward door, left. Door, right, opens a little and Jimmy Crapps looks in.) Jimmy. Youse fellers has got to cut it out, see? Andrew. Cut out what, Jimmy ? Come on in. {Enter. Jimmy. He carries a broom and is chewing gum,'Which he pulls into a long thread occasion- ally. A dime novel is sticking out of his pocket.) Henry. What's the score, Jimmy? Jimmy. Brooklyn, 3. Chicago, 2. De lady down stairs says youse is making too much noise, see 1 She says youse should go to work ! Andrew. {Seizing his hat) Where's the job, Jimmy ? Jimmy. {PulVmg out gum) Job, nothin'. De lady down stairs says she can't hear herself tink ! Sam. {Slowly) I'm not surprised at that. Jimmy. Anyhow, youse has got to chuck de noise, see? Ben. All right Jimmy, we're on. Church mice for ours! (Jimmy starts to twist himself toward the door on his heels.) Ned. What makes you so wriggley, Jimmie? Jimmy. {Backing out of the door and pulling out gum) I can't help being Wriggley, I chew Spearmint, see? {Exit.) • Henry. Jingoes, what a relief ! I thought sure he had another note from the real estate agent. Ben. If Haskins & Son get impatient we're up a tree for further orders. There's not a guy among us that can scrape up enough for the rent. WINNING AN HEIRESS. 9 i\NDRE\v. Oh, Haskins is real good-natured. I don't think he'll bother us again. {Knock at door, right. All start toward door, left as before.) Jimmy. {Poking in his head) I forgot some- thing, gents. (Entering, holding dime novel in one hand and letter in the other) De agent told me ter give youse dis letter. It's up to me to wait for an answer, see? (All sink hack in various attitudes of despair. No- body takes the letter. Jimmy standing right, holds out letter in right hand zvhile reading aloud from book in left hand. He makes mo- tions with letter.) Jimmy. '' The villain approached stealthily with dagger drawn. The pale maiden was helpless. Her head v\^as laid back aginst the tree, her fair neck gleamed in the moonlight. Where was our hero? W^ould he never come? The villain took a step nearer. He raised the dagger. In another moment the deed v/ould be done ! " (Jimmy wildly plunging in the air with the letter, loses his balance and lands in Henry's lap. Struggling up) What's de mat- ter wid yez ? Why don't yez take yer letter ? Didn't I tell youse I had to wait for an answer? Ben. {Seising the letter) All right, we'll read it. {Reads aloud, while Jimmy reads to himself, making zuild gestures in the air. The others listen disconsolately) Gentlemen: It pains me to inform you that the rent for your apartment has been in arrears for tvv^o months. We should be greatly obliged if you will favor us with a check at once. Unless payment is made within the next month we must insist that the apartment be vacated or a writ of dispossess will be served. Very truly yours, HASKINS & SON. 10 WINNING AN HEIRESS. Andrew. Check at once! I wonder, do they think Rockefeller is one of the boarders here ? Ned. Of course something is sure to happen within a month. Somebody may leave me a for- tune, or Sammy may pick up a nice old man's pocketbook, or Benny may rescue some rich female from a fire, or Sam. (Slowly) Or Uppers may pay Henry that forty dollars. Jimmy. (Rousing himself) Has youse fellers got that answer ready ? Henry. Sure we have, Jimmy. Tell Mr. Has- kins that we greatly appreciate his kind wishes, and we shall certainly favor him with a check within a month. Jimmy. Is dat all? Henry. (With dignity) At present that is all, Mr. Crapps. Jimmy. (Sauntering tozvard door, still chewing) Oh, very well. Ned. (Suddenly seizing box of cigarettes from table) And, Oh, Jimmy, please accept this Httle gift as a slight token of our esteem. Jimmy. (Pocketing cigarettes) Tanks, just my brand. (Exit) Ben. Holy smoke! Ned, those were my cigar- ettes ! Ned. (Bowing low) To balance my hair-re- storer, dear boy. Ben. (Clutching hair) My last box! (Door bell and postman's whistle outside)) Henry. (Jumping up) The letter man ! (Tak- ing out key, running to door and calling) Hey, Jimmy, bring up those letters like a good kid! (Exit right) Ben. a job at last! Ned. a letter from Cecelia ! WINNING AN HEIRESS, ii Sam. A.n invitation! Andrew. Bills ! Henry. {Re-entering) No fooling, boys; one of us has got to marry an heiress. Sam. Bring on the heiress. {Enter Jimmy zvith letters.) Jimmy. Here's enough to choke de box. One fer each of youse and one for de bunch. {Throzvs them on fable, each seizes his own, glances at its contents, puts it quickly in pocket) Jimmy. {Going toward door) Ta — Ta. {Exit) Ben. Where's the one for the bunch? {Seizes it) Listen, fellers. It is from Helpum. {Reads) Dear old Chumps : — I have some good news for you. Chorus. Ah ! Ben. You are going to have some new neigh- bors. Chorus. Oh ! Ben. An heiress will live across the street from you in a few days. Chorus. Ha ! Ben. She will live with her aunt at No. 34^- second floor. (All rush to the windozv and peer out) She likes society (All turn around) and de- sires to be entertained as much as possible. (All scratch heads) She likes to be invited out, and it is all right, for her aunt always chaperons her. Chorus. {Dubious) Oh! Ben. She is very beautful. Chorus. {Delighted) Ah! Ben. But she always wears a veil when she goes out. Chorus. (Disappointed) Oh I Ben. She has only one defect. Chorus. What ! Ben. She is dumb, though not deaf. 12 WINNING AN HEIRESS. Chorus. (Pleased) H'm. Ben. I have sent you a letter of introduction. Chorus. Ah ! Ben. Call and invite her to some sort of racket as soon as possible. One of you is sure to be a winner. (Each draws himself up) Good luck to you. Harold Helpum. Henry. A dumb heiress. Well that's a God- send ! Ben. Fine as silk ! Sam. I'd ask nothing better than a wife that couldn't talk. Ned. Well, it's up to us to entertain her. Andrew. Sure thing. Ben. We can't invite her here. Andrew. Why not? Ben. Why, man, we haven't a good enough place. Ned. Oh, that can be fixed up all right ! Sam. I suppose we ought to have tea or — or something. Henry. The dishes are not fit. Andrew. I'll have a look at them. (Exit left) Ned. And I'll see what we have in the pantry. (Exit left) Ben. (Left, aside) Now I can examine my let- ter again. (Reads) Dear Ben : Just a line to put you wise. The new heiress is very fond of elocution. Take a tip from me and learn some real touching piece, like " Cur- few Shall Not Ring To-night." Recite it well and you're a winner. (Speaking) I wonder if they have that in the library? Henry. (Right, aside) This is good of Harold. (Reads) Dear Henry : Just a line to put you wise. The new heiress dotes on strong men. Get some heavy V'/eights, and show her a few stunts WINNING AN HEIRESS. 13 and — you'll get her sure. (Speaks) It's good I don't owe anything to the sporting-store ! Sam. (Center, aside) This is pretty good. (Reads) Dear Sammy: Just a Hne to put you wise. The new heiress is crazy over music. Learn some sentimental song like " O Promse Me " and your fortune is made. (Aloud) I'll do it by gum 1 " (Enter, Andrew, carrying a few plates and cups of various sizes and patterns. He is followed by Ned who carries two shredded wheat biscuit and an open can of condensed milk.) Andrew. Behold our rare old china! Ned. And our sumptuous food ! Ben. Heavens, this will never do ! All. We must have money. Henry. There's only one thing left to do. All. What ? Henry. Pawn our watches! (All reach for watches) Sammy, old Goldstein knows you pretty well. Collect the watches, and go before we re- pent. Sam. (Holding out hat) Drop 'em in. Ned. Just a moment, old man! (Removes pic- ture from watch and kisses it) Dearest Cecelia! (Sam turns to Henry.) Henry. AVait a moment if you please. (Takes lock of dark hair out of watch. Aside) Dear little girl. (Sam moves toward Andrew.) Andrew. Just a moment ! ( Takes faded flowers out of watch'. Aside) " Only a pansy blossom." (Sam moves toward Ben.) 14 WINNING AN HEIRESS. Ben. I'm not quite ready. {Takes small note out of watch. Aside) This precious letter! Sam. {Setting down hat and taking out watch. Aside) I must take my darling's- -I mean my cous- in's likeness out of this watch. {Takes it out and drops watch in hat, then, standing center and hold- ing out hat) Now, fellers, poney up ! All. {Holding watches over hat. Tune, — ■ chorus to " Hozv Can I Bear to Leave Thee") Farewell, farewell, my watch so fine, Farewell, farewell, to old Goldstein ! CURTAIN. ACT II. Scene : — Same as in Act I. The room is neater, the table has been moved to left, and there has been some attempt at decoration. The poster over the window has been replaced by one say- ing '' ' Life is real, life is earnest,' " Longfel- low. Some pipes are still in rack, left of win- dow, and a tobacco jar is on the table with the writing materials, also a waiter's apron. Curtain rises discovering Ben, book in hand, rehearsing his ''piece.'' Ben. {With tragic gestures) "" Sexton," Bessie's white lips faltered, Pointing to the prison old, With its walls so dark and gloomy, Walls so dark and damp and cold. (Jimmy pokes head in door, right. He looks alarmed, and enters stealthily, staring at Ben.) WINNING AN HEIRESS. 15 Ben. (Continues) " I've a lover in that prison (Jimmy looks zvhere Ben points. All along Jimmy shows great interest and alarm.) Ben. (Continues) '' Doomed this very night to die, At the ringing of the curfew, And no earthly help is nigh." Jimmy. Oh, Gee! What's the matter, Mr. Bor- row. Can't I give you a lift? Ben. (Not hearing) " Cromwell will not come till sunset," And her face grew cold and white, (Jimmy shudders.) " As she spoke in husky whispers, " Curfew must not ring to-night ! " Jimmy. (Aside, tapping his forehead) He's got 'em all right. H^ope he ain't dangerous. Ben. (Continues) " Bessie," calmly spoke the sexton. Every word chilled her young heart. Like a thousand gleaming arrows, Like a deadly poisoned dart. Jimmy. [Aside, shuddering) This is worse than moving pictures. (Aloud) Hey, Mr. Borrow, what ye givin' us? Ye ain't been drinking, I hope. Ben. (Continues) " Long, long years I've rung the curfew, From that gloomy, shadowed tower, Every evening, just at sunset. It has Jimmy. (Interrupting, hand to mouth) Smok- ing on the four rear seats only. Turn over, it's time to get up. (Piuls Ben ^3; the coat) Hey, Mr. Bor- i6 WINNING AN HEIRESS. row, try a Bromo Seltzer. It's fine for that there trouble of yours. Ben. {Turning around) What the — What do you mean by interrupting an elocutionist? Jim m y. A — a — what ? Ben. Jimmy you do not understand the artistic temperament. You cannot appreciate a passionate delivery. Jimmy. You have me there, pard. I'm up against it all right. You f eelin' better now ? Ben. {With dignity) I shall not attempt an ex- planation. Jimmy. No, plain Bromo Seltzer is better, I guess. Now what's the job that you fellers want me to do ? Ben. Oh, yes, Jimmy. {Puts book in pocket) You see we are expecting distinguished guests to- day. Ahem ! In short we are expecting Miss Highrox and her aunt, Mrs. Keerful, this afternoon. (Jimmy looks much impressed) We intend to en- tertain them in a manner befitting our station in society. {With a flourish) Jimmy. Well, how is that up to me? Put me wise. Ben. Exactly. You will remember that Mr. Hardup explained to you that a circumstance, over which we have no control, prevents us from en- gaging our regular caterer. {Ahem) However, having noticed your genteel bearing (Jimmy draws himself up) we have decided to engage you as butler, for about one hour. Jimmy. Sure ; so Mr. Hardup said. He told me I had to rig up like a bar tender, or something like that. Where's de costoom? Ben. {Taking waiter's apron from table) Here it is, Jimmy. I am sure it will give you a very dis- tinguished appearance. Jimmy. Holy smoke ! WINNING AN HEIRESS. 17 (Ben ties the apron on Jimmy.) Jimmy. Gee ! I look like that pan-cake man in Child's restaurant. Ain't I the candy kid? Ben. It certainly gives you quite a distinguished air ; but I would respectfully suggest a slight change of posture. Jimmy. {Feeling neck, etc.) Change what? Change nothing. Des is me glad rags I'll have youse to know. Ben. The suit is every thing that can be desired. The color a trifle light, perhaps, but not bad you know. I would suggest, however, that you draw yourself up slightly. Have you ever noticed a waiter in the Waldorf Astoria? Jimmy. What? Muh? Nixey, not on your tin- type. But I've been in Child's. Dey has girls der tho. Stunners with big pompadores and white tidies on der heads. Ben. {Despairingly) Well, do the best you can, Jimmy. And, by the way, for this afternoon, we must call you by your last name, Crapps, simply Crapps. Now let us suppose that the ladies have l^nocked at the door. You are to open it, so. {Opens the door, right, and stands stiffly beside it) If the ladies say "Are the gentlemen at home?" you must reply, " They are. What name shall I say ? " When they have mentioned their names, you are to say, " Be seated, and I will inform them of your arrival." Jimmy. Holy smoke! Ben. {Shutting door) Now, try it. (Jimmy slowly opens door, just in time to admit Henry Hardup, who is laboring to lift in two heavy dumb-bells.) Henry. {Setting down dumb-bells, and wiping perspiration from brow) Whew! isn't it warm? i8 WINNING AN HEIRESS. Ben. No wonder you're warm. Where did you get those blamed things? (^Indicating dumh-hells) Henry. (JVith dignity) From my friend Mr. Spalding. Ben. But why in thunder did you bring them home to-day? Henry, Well, you see, old chap, I — I really need exercise you know. Ben. Nonsense ! Here I am doing all the hard work of drilling Jimmy — I mean Crapps, in his new duties, and you are sporting around buying this truck. I'm disgusted. Come, Crapps, since no one else shows proper interest in your training, I must do it myself. Come to the kitchen and I will give you full instructions. Jimmy. Sure Mike ! (Follows Ben toward door, left, hut stops suddenly) Say, Mr. Borrow! Ben. (Stopping at door) Well, Crapps, what can I do for you? Jimmy. Say, when does I get me pay for dis? Ben. You'll get a dollar this very night. (Exit Ben, left) Jimmy. Hurray ! Ten admissions to the Mov- ies ! (Exit Jimmy, left) Henry. (Glancing around to see that no one is looking) Now I'll practice a fev\^ stunts. They ought to be heavy enough to impress that heiress. (Starts to lift dumb-bells) Sam. (Outside window, singing v'ery slowly) " Oh, promise me that you will take my hand." Henry. (Setting down dumb-bells) Cats ! (Rushes to window and looks out) Sam. (Outside) ""The most unworthy in this lonely land." Henry. (Turning around) Suffering snakes! It's Sammy. He must be crazy. He's coming up, I'll have a few minutes to practice. (Takes up dumb-bells again, and lifts them slowly toward shoulders) WINNING AN HEIRESS. 19 Sam. (Outside door, right) " That we shall be alone and faith renew." (Opens door and comes in holding sheet music) " And find the hollows where those flowers grew." (Walks in without noticing Henry, who goes on practicing) " Those first sweet violets of early Spring." (Runs into Henry, who suddenly lets the dumb-hells fall. Jimmy and Ben hurriedly open the door, left) Ben. (Angrily) What in thunder! Jimmy. The lady down stairs (Ben shoves him hack.) Ben. What the dickens are you fellers fooling around here for? Those ladies will be here within ten minutes. (Sam puts music in pocket; Henry conceals dumh- hells under the tahle. Both try to look in mirror at once.) Henry. Where's Ned and Andrew? Ben. You've got me. They said they would buy something for the ladies, flowers or something, but they haven't shown up. Henry. Well, all the more chance for us if they don't come. Sam. (Slowly) Yes, that Ned's considered handsome. Henry. (Settles his tie) Oh, I don't know, most ladies take to me. Ben. Don't forget, fellers, there's not enough spoons to go round. If you don't get one, mum's the word. (Knock at door, right.) Ben. There they are now. Come here, Jimmy. (Enter Jimmy) Now, feUers, we'll all vacate until 20 WINNING AN HEIRESS. the ladies are properly seated. (Exit Sam and Henry) Ben. (To Jimmy) Don't forget what I told you to say. Jimmy. (Standing stiffly at door) Not on your life. (Exit Ben) (The knock is repeated. Jimmy slowly opens the door to admit old Cohen, who comes slowly in.) Cohen. Is the gentlemens in. Jimmy. They are — What! (Stops, staring) Ben. (Through the door) Say no, Jimmy. It's the wrong party. Tell him weVe all gone to the contagious disease hospital. Jimmy. (Behind his hand) Sure. (To Cohen) Get out o' here, ye Sheeny. They're all in the hos- pital, see? (Exit Cohen hurriedly, Jimmy shuts the door. Enter Ben. Sam and Henry look in left.) Ben. Good for you, Jimmy, you're a brick. Whew, what an escape! Sam. (Slowly) Has he gone for good? Jimmy. Sure, he's melted, vanished. (Knock at door.) Ben. Wait a minute, Jimmy, I'll investigate this time. (Crosses to right, and stooping dozvn, looks through key -hole. Others behind, trying to see) Ben. I see some skirts. (Rising) It's all right, Jimmy, just give us a chance to get away. (Exit left Sam, Ben, and Henry) (The knock is repeated.) WINNING AN HEIRESS. 21 Ben. {Looking in, left) Now do it up well, Jimmy. Jimmy. Sure. {Opens door slowly, enter Mrs. Keerful, followed by Miss Highrox. Both are heavily veiled. Really Ned and Andrew in costume) Mrs. Keerful. {In high pitched tone) Are the young gentlemen at home ? Jimmy. {Stiffly) Yes ma'am, will youse make me acquainted with your names? Mrs. Keerful. You may announce Mrs. Keer- ful and Miss Highrox. Jimmy. Sure ! Now if youse 'ill sit down, I — I - — I'll git de bunch. (Mrs. Keerful motions to Miss Highrox, who apparently talks with her fingers. Jimmy stops ■ and stares.) Jimmy. {Aside to audience) Get on to de dummy. {Exit left) (Miss. Highrox nudges aunt and they appear to confer. Enter Ben, followed by Henry and Sam. They bozv azvkwardly.) Ben. Since we did ourselves the honor to call the other day, we have looked forward to this — this — this Henry. Pleasure ! Ben. Yes, pleasure. And we hope that you will — will — will Sam. Enjoy yourselves. Ben. Yes, enjoy yourselves. Henry. Won't you take off your wraps ? Mrs. Keerful. No, thank you, I am so afraid of drafts. Ben. But surely you will remove your veils. We — we — have heard so much about your — ^your 22 WINNING AN HEIRESS. Henry. {Interrupting) Your great beauty, that Sam. {Interrupting and shoving Henry's arm) lat we long to s All. See you. That we long to see — see (Miss Highrox talks on fingers to her aunt.) Mrs. Keerful. {In high voice) No, thank you. You see I am troubled with asthma, and my dear niece has such a very delicate complexion that she is scarcely ever without a veil. Henry. {Bozmng) This makes us even more anxious to see her. (Miss Highrox simpers behind fan.) Ben. I will ring for some tea. Mrs. Keerful. Oh, thank you. That will be de- lightful. (Ben rings bell. Henry and Sam look anxiously toward the door. Enter Jimmy, left, carrying tray on which are cups and saucers.) Jimmy. {Who is chewing gum) Here I am, gents. {Stumbles and nearly falls. Great alarm shozvn by others) , Ben. Serve the ladies, Crapps. Jimmy. Sure! {Holds tray toward ladies, each takes a cup) Mrs. Keerful. Have you a little lemon for Miss Highrox ? Jimmy. Not on your Hfe, I never hands no lem- ons to de ladies, see? {With a flourish. Ladies looked shocked) Ben. We must beg you to pardon our — our — butler. We are only just training him. He is not used to the best families. WINNING AN HEIRESS. 23 Jimmy. What' yer givin' us? (Passes tea to the boys) Ben. (Aside to Jimmy) Take that gum out of your mouth. (Jimmy takes it out and attaches it to the under part of a table.) Ben. (Continuing) And, Miss Highrox, pray accept our humblest apologies for not serving lemons with the tea. On account of the earthquake in Italy, the lemons are not of their usual flavor — and — and — and Henry. (Interrupting) We couldn't think of serving such lemons to — to — to Sam. Beautiful and delicate ladies — like — like All. You. (Miss Highrox makes signs with her hands.) Mrs. Keerful. My niece says that the matter is really of no moment. Ben. You are too kind. Jimmy. (Aside to Ben as he goes toward the door) Tell dem to put up the shades. (Indicating veils. Exit Jimmy) (Henry, who has received no spoon, tries to stir his tea by moving the cup round and round. Miss Highrox makes signs to her aunt.) Mrs. Keerful. My niece wishes to know why you stir your tea in that peculiar manner. Henry. (Embarassed) Well, you see in my family we never use spoons, at least — a — a — a — a Ben. (Coming to his relief) You see we are aU fond of telling fortunes with tea leaves. 24 WINNING AN HEIRESS. (Miss Highrox makes signs again.) Mrs. Keerful. My niece is delighted. She wishes her fortune told at once. {Much embarrassment among the boys.) Mrs. Keerful. Won't you tell her fortune, Mr. Hardup ? Henry. Yes, yes, of course, certainly. (Shakes fist at Ben, and then approaches the ladies and takes Miss Highrox's cup. The others gather round) Henry. You will soon be married (Miss Highrox puts head behind fan) to a tall, broad- shouldered, light gentleman. (Describes himself) Sam. (Interrupting) No, no, he's short and dark. (Describes himself) Ben. Nonsense, he's tall and light all right, but he's slender. (Same) Mrs. Keerful. This is very confusing, gentle- men. You must be out of practice. Henry. Yes, yes, exactly, we are Ben. (Helping him) We are a little Sam. a little out All. Of practice. (Miss Highrox makes signs to her aunt. Ben rings the bell. Enter Jimmy.) Ben. Crapps, remove the cups. (Jimmy does so, zvhile Ben looks secretly into book. Henry tries muscles, and Sam con- sults music. Jimmy takes gum from under table. Exit Jimmy.) Mrs. Keerful. My niece has heard that you are very talented young men. (All draw themselves up) You know my niece can hear, though she has WINNING AN HEIRESS. 25 been deprived of speech. Can one of you recite? Ben. (Aside) At last! (Aloud, bozving) Ladies, I was once an elocutionist. (Signs of sur- prise and amusement from Sam and Henry) And although my repertoire is small, I will endeavor to render a few verses. (All compose themselves to listen) My title is an old one. " Curfew Shall Not Ring To-night." (Signs of disgust from Henry and Sam. All the time he is reciting they show signs of disgust. He recites hesitatingly hut with many tragic gestures) " England's sun was slowly setting, O'er the hills so far away ; Filling all the land with beauty At the close of one sad day. ' And the last rays kissed the foreheads Of a man and maiden fair He with step so slow and weakened, She with sunny floating hair! ^ He with sad bowed head and thoughtful, She with lips so cold and white, Struggling to keep back the murmur, " Curfew must not ring to-night." " Sexton," — Bessie's white lips faltered, Pointing to the prison old. With its walls so dark and gloomy. Walls so dark and damp and cold, — " I've a lover in that prison, Doomed this very night to die At the ringing of the Curfew, And no earthly help is nigh. Cromwell will not come till sunset ; " And her face grew strangely white, As she spoke in husky whiskers — 26 WINNING AN HEIRESS. (All surprised.) As she spoke in whisky huskers (Henry and Sam laugh.) Mrs. Keerful. Oh, we can't Hsten to any more, really, Mr. Borrow. We didn't know it was about whisky, and we are teetotalers you know. (Miss Highrox looks much shocked.) Ben. But — but Mrs. Keerful. {Putting up hand) No more, no more, please. Henry>. Perhaps the ladies are interested in physical culture. {Bowing) Would you like to see a few stunts — I mean exercises ? (Miss Highrox makes signs.) Mrs. Keerful. We should be delighted, Mr. Hardup. Pray let us see them at once. (Henry takes out dumb-bells and proceeds with great effort to do some exercises. Ladies look on making signs of admiration, while boys laugh behind hands. In an effort to raise the dumb-bells unusually high he lets one fall out of his hand and it hits Miss Highrox's foot. The aunt screams, and Miss Highrox shows signs of fainting.) Ben. {Pulling Henry azvay) Now you've done it, you lobster. {To Mrs. Keerful) How is she? Mrs. Keerful. She'll be all right in a minute. Some smelling salts, please. (Sam and Ben run aimlessly around.) WINNING AN HEIRESS. 27 Ben. I — I'm afraid Sam. We haven't any. (Miss Highrox straightens up.) Mrs. Keerful. She's better now, thank you. Ben. {Aside to Henry) For goodness sake apologize. Henry. (Approaching ladies) Pray pardon me, ladies. It was due to the awkwardness of the dumb-bell. (Miss Highrox makes indignant signs.) Mrs. Keerful. My niece begs you not to refer to her infirmity. If she is a dumb belle, she does not consider iicrsclf awkward. (IIetnry, much confused.) Ben. (Aside) You've queered yourself now. Henry. [Aside) I don't care. She has big feet anyway. Mrs. Keerful. A little music would be so sooth- ing. Can't one of you sing? Sam. (Rising and bowing) At one time I had a fine voice. (Boys laugh aside) Although the cares of business have somewhat impaired it, Ahem, I shall try to render an air from " Robin Hood." (Opens music and sings. Disgust from boys) (Song, '' , Promise Me." Knock at door, right. Sam stops singing. All look alarmed.) Mrs. Keerful. There is some one at the door, I think. Ben. Yes, yes, but there are so many beggars and peddlers about and — and 28 WINNING AN HEIRESS. (Knock repeated. Enter Jimmy, left.) Jimmy. {Behind hand) Shall I open it, gents? (Knock repeated.) Mrs. Keerful. It might be somebody for us. Ben. Yes, yes, of course. Open the door, Crapps. (Jimmy crosses right, and slowly opens door to admit old Cohen. Much consternation from the boys.) ' Mr. Cohen. Ah, now I haf found all the gentle- m.en in. I can tell them about my families and mine poor vif. .(Ladies show much stir prise.) Ben. (Aside to ladies) It's a poor man whom we have been helping. You must excuse him. Henry. Mr. Cohen, there are ladies present. Will you call again ? Mr. Cohen. Nine, I likes ladies very much. And I want that moneys. Henry. (Aside to Ben) Write him a check, for goodness sake. Ben. (Aside to Henry) But there is no money in the bank. Henry. (Aside to Ben) Well, give him a note to Paul Prudent. Maybe he'll help us again. Ben. (Aside to Henry) Sv/ell chance! How- ever, here goes. (To Cohen) What is the amount needed, my good man? Cohen. Thirty-six dollars altogether, fer tree Ben. (Interrupting) Never mind the details. I'll give you a letter to a friend who has some of WINNING AN HEIRESS. 29 our — our — funds. He'll doubtless give you the money at once. (Sits down, left, and zvrites) He lives just around the corner. Cohen. I tank you, my vife tanks you. The chil- dren tank you. Sam. Yes, yes, all right. Henry. Don't mention it. Ben. Here's the letter. {Hands it to Cohen) Sam. Good-m.orning, Mr. Cohen. (They hustle him out, right. Exit Jimmy, left, laughing) Mrs. Keerful. You must be very benevolent young m.en. Ben. Oh; v/e help a fellow now and then. Henry. It does our hearts good to be generous. Sam. Brotherly love, you know. Mrs. Keerful. (Looking around) There seems to be no clock here. Can any of you gentlemen tell me the time? (All reach for zvatches and show much embarrass- ment upon remembering where they are.) Sam. I — I — really Henry. Our watches all stopped at once during the thunder storm and we sent them to be Ben. And, besides, v/e would not have a time- piece about v/hen such charming ladies are visiting us. (Striking an attitude) We long for time to stretch into eternity ! (Knock at door, right All stop in alarm.) Sam: (Aside to Ben) Suppose it is the agent. Ben. (Aside to Sam) I am afraid we'll have to open the door. (Knock repeated. Enter Jimmy, left.) 30 WINNING AN HEIRESS. Jimmy. Shall I open the door, gents? It must be the man for the rent. Ben. Open it of course, Crapps. (Jimmy opens the door, and, as no one enters, he looks out, and returns with a bill which he holds out.) Jimmy. There's a guy outside says here's de bill fer dem pipes and tobacco, and he's waited long enough for de money. He's getting quite peevish. {Much consternation among the hoys. Miss High- Rox makes signs to her aunt.) Mrs. Keerful. {Holding up hands in horror) Pipes and tobacco ! How shocking ! (Ben, left, hastily conceals tobacco jar under table. Sam, center, takes pipe from, rack and puts it in pocket.) Ben. {Desperately) Those articles must have been bought by, by, — the lady down-stairs. We — we Henry. We never indulge, Sam. In such, such, such All. In such things. Jimmy. {Throwing bill out) Dis belongs down- stairs, see? {Slams door. Exit, left) Mrs. Keerful. This is the second time this afternoon that we have heard of shocking things. {Knock at the door. All look nervous. Knock is repeated. Enter Jimmy.) Jimmy. Do youse want me to open the door? Mrs. Keerful. Of course, a — a — a Crapps, open it at once. WINNING AN HEIRESS. 31 Ben. (With dignity) Open the door, Crapps. C Jimmy crosses right. All look at door. Jimmy opens door. Enter Cohen, excitedly.) Cohen. It is a sheet — a sheet, it is a swindle I say! (The boys show much alarm.) Ben. Pray calm yourself, Mr. Cohen. Go home to your wife and family. Henry. (Hastily) And we will call upon you during the week, and Sam. Give you more — more All. More money. Cohen. (Waving letter in hand) More moneys, you say. What kind of moneys? Look at this. (Showing letter) You say I git moneys. I take it to the chentelman. I hurry ; I give it to him so. (Bozvs) He read it ; he gets a mad on him. He says you haf the gall, the nerve. He says he not pay moneys for you. He says you are a set of lazy loafers. He says I am a Sheeny, — me, me. (Point- ing to himself) He tells me to get out, or he vill kick me out, me, me. It is a sheet, a sheet ! ( Very excited, shaking fists in air) (Jimmy jumps up and down in great glee. Miss HiGHRox makes signs to her aunt, who shows great consternation. The hoys try to shove Cohen out.) Mrs. Keerful. We must see this matter more clearly. (The ladies start to put up veils.) Jimmy. (Pointing) The shades is going up, gents. 32 WINNING AN HEIRESS. {The veils are thrown hack, disclosing the faceS of Andrew Askum and Ned Natty. All start hack in surprise.) Jimmy. Deys fellows, by gum ! Ben. Andrew ! Henry. Ned ! Sam. Where is the heiress? Ned. Search me ! Ben. But the letters from Hal Helpum? Andrew. He wrote them to please us. We had your goat all right. Jim. [Looking from one to the other in amaze- ment) Well, I'll be busted! (Bell and postman s whistle heard off.) Ben. {Handing key) Here, Jimmy. Get the mail. {Exit Jimmy) Henry. I wasted two dollars on those dumb bells! Sam, And the music was seventy-five cents ! {Enter Jimmy, with letters.) Jimmy. Youse ought to have a private letter- carrier. {They all crowd around Jimmy.) Ned. {Seizing letter) From Cecelia! Ben. {Seizing letter. Looking at printing) " Hotel Theatric ! " Andrew. {Taking letter) From the boss! Sx\M. {Reading from envelope) " Lightagraph Moving Picture Company." (Henry tries to take letter.) WINNING AN HEIRESS. 33 Jimmy. Go on ! Dis one has to be signed for, see ! (Shows card of registered mail. Henry looks excited, but signs card. Then takes letter and opens it. Exit Jimmy, right. All read letters, Andrew and Ned still in costumes, right; Henry, center, Sam and Ben, left. Cohen has sunk dozvn into a chair) Ned. (Reading) "Darling Ned: A distant uncle has just left me ten thousand dollars. What is mine is yours. Come at once ! With many kisses Cecelia." Ben. (Joyfully reading) " Benjamin Borrow, Esq., Dear Sir : Regarding your application to act as chaperon to an opera singer, — we beg to say that we are entirely satisfied with your description of yourself and you may consider yourself engaged. The opera singer is a man weighing three hundred pounds, but the salary being ten dollars a week and board, we know that you will accept the situation. Very truly yours, F. Key, Hotel Theatric." (Ben hops about joyfully.) Andrew. (Reading) ''My dear Mr. Askum: Upon further consideration we have decided to reengage you, on condition that you arrive every morning at 6 : 30. Very truly yours, Crank & Co." (Speaking) Hurrah ! Sam. (Reading slowly) Mr. Sam Slow ; Dear Sir : Report at our office at once. We want you to appear in a moving picture as a trained snail. As you are better fitted for the position than any other man we know, we are enclosing check for fifty dollars to retain your services. Very truly yours, Lightagraph Co. (Speaking) I always thought that my talent would some day be appreci- ated. (Holds up check) 34 WINNING AN HEIRESS. Henry. (Who has been looking wonderingly at contents of his letter) Say, fellers ! What do you think ? Uppers has sent the forty dollars ! Ben. Go on ! You're kidding ! Henry. Registered letter. Here it is. {Shows hills. All crowd around) Cohen. (Lifting head) I want my money! Jimmy. (V/ho has been standing zvith open mouth, looking from one to the other) Where's me dollar? Henry. (With a flourish) Pardon me one moment, Jimmy. (Turning to Cohen) Mr. Cohen, the long delay has been a cause of deep sorrow to us. (Handing bills) Here is your thirty-six dol- lars ! Chorus of Boys. Hurray ! Cohen. I tank you, my vif tanks you Henry. Quite so ! Quite so ! (Cohen counts bills.) Sam. (In a drawling voice to Jimmy) Here, Jimmy, take this check to the agent. It's for that rent he's been talking about. I'll endorse it. (Writes) You can bring back the change. Jimmy. (Incredulously, taking money) Say, did youse know old man Haskins has heart trouble ? Ain't youse afraid this here'll be too sudden for him? Ben. (With dignity) Let the levity cease, Crapps. Jimmy. What you givin' us? Henry. We are giving you one dollar. Permit me. (Hands Jimmy a dollar bill) Jimmy. (loyfully) Tanks! Now I can see de other reels of "The Dangers of Daisy.'" (Turn- ing suddenly at door) But say, where's dem swell dames, huh? WINNING AN HEIRESS. 35 Ben, We have decided not to entertain to-day, Crapps. Sam. (Slowly) Let's go out and get some eats. It's on me. All. Hurrah ! (They form a ring, dragging in Crapps and Cohen.) CURTAIN. (As curtain rises again Andrew is seen at hack. He has removed the motto '^ Life is real, life is earnest,** and is replacing the motto, " We should worry.'' All are admiring it.) LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 017 401 059 6 i ■■F..