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The Happy Wife or Daughter 
 Has Music in Her Home 
 
 The real spirit of music and Happiness is obtained only by 
 having the best pianos. Let this list be your guide in buying. 
 STEINWAY— IVERS & POND— LUDWIG 
 or the DYER BROS. PLAYER PIANO. 
 
 There is nothing any higher in grade at their prices and we 
 sell anywhere on reasonable payments. Call or write for free 
 catalogues. 
 
 No matter what you want in music, think of 
 
 Metropolitan Music Company 
 
 The Complete Music Store 
 
 37 to 43 South Sixth Street Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 SHEET MUSIC— ALL KINDS— EVERYTHING 
 
 Largest Department in the City. 
 VICTROLAS— RECORDS— PLAYER ROLLS 
 All the different Victrola styles priced from $25 to $1,200. 
 American and Foreign records. Thousands of Player Rolls to select 
 from. 
 
 PIANOS TUNED AND REPAIRED 
 
 VICTROLAS OILED AND REPAIRED 
 
DAUGHTERS OF TROPICAL FRANCE 
 
jp'" 
 
 
 A MORRILL CENSOR 
 
Lib of ConQR£SS 
 
 SEA SODOMS 
 
 A 5/MCAL SURVEY 7^ 
 
 of 
 
 HAITI, SANTO DOMINGO, PORTO RICO, 
 
 CURACAO, VENEZUELA, GUADELOUPE, 
 
 MARTINIQUE, CUBA 
 
 By 
 
 G7L/ MORRILL 
 
 ("GOLIGHTLY") 
 
 Pastor of People*s Church, 
 
 Minneapolis, Minn., U. S. A. 
 
 LOWELL L. MORRILL 
 Photographer 
 
 PIONEER PRINTERS, MINNEAPOLIS. MINN. 
 
 ©ci.Afci+qit 
 
F/6/1 
 
 Copyright 1921 
 G. L. Morrill 
 
 «jQ=0 
 
 J 
 
 ©CLA614918 
 
r 
 
 TO j 
 
 THE MEMORY I 
 
 OF 
 
 CAIN AND LOT, 
 
 APOSTLES 
 
 OF 
 
 PROGRESS AND CIVILIZATION, 
 
 THIS BOOK 
 
 IS 
 
 AFFECTIONATELY DEDICATED 
 
BOOKS BY G. L. MORRILL 
 
 Curse of the Caribbean and the Three Guianas 
 (Gehennas) 
 
 Hawaiian Heathen an9 Others ^ 
 
 Rotten Republics — Central America 
 
 To Hell and Back — South America 
 
 Golightly ^Round the Globe 
 
 Tracks of a Tenderfoot 
 
 South Sea Silhouettes 
 
 The Devil in Mexico 
 
 Parson's Pilgrimage 
 
 A Musical Minister 
 
 Fireside Fancies 
 
 People's Pulpit 
 
 Here and There 
 
 On the Warpath 
 
 Easter Echoes 
 
 The Moralist 
 
 Uppercuts 
 
 Driftwood 
 
 Musings 
 
AUTHOR'S APOLOGY 
 
 It seems to be a tvise provision of nature that the follies 
 f men should be short-lived; but books interfere and im- 
 lortalize them. A fool, not content with having bored all 
 hose who have lived with him, insists on tormenting genera- 
 ions to come; he would have his folly triumph over oblivion, 
 )hich should have been as welcome to him as death; he 
 nshes posterity to be informed of his existence, and he 
 widd have it remember forever that he was a fool. 
 
 — Montesquieu 
 
CONTENT/ON S^ 
 
 Page 
 
 Land of the Free 11 
 
 Sea Eddies 13 
 
 Cape Haitien Scenes 14 
 
 A Tar-Baby Tyrant 18 
 
 Poor Progress 21 
 
 Port de Paix 30 
 
 Passing the Bnccaneers 32 
 
 Gonaives and Knaves 34 
 
 A Black Hero Z1 
 
 Gospel Truth of St. Mark.. 40 
 Pestilential Port-au-Prince.. 41 
 
 Moral Relaxations. 45 
 
 A Bad Occupation 47 
 
 Woebegone Miragoane .... 52 
 
 Jeremie and Dumas 54 
 
 Awful Aux Cayes 56 
 
 Jacmel Jottings 60 
 
 St. Dominic Devils 62 
 
 Sacred and Profane History 64 
 Mayaguez Misfortunes .... 74 
 
 Ponce Pencilings 11 
 
 A Military Course 80 
 
 A Crack-Brained Butcher. . 82 
 
 The Madhouse 84 
 
 Mars Memorials 86 
 
 Bad Folks 87 
 
 San Juan Sights 88 
 
 A Pagan Christmas 90 
 
 Towns and Traits 92 
 
 Curacao Carousings 94 
 
 Island Life and Death 
 
 100 
 
 Page 
 
 A Sea Sodom 104 
 
 High Finance and Hotel 
 
 Life 110 
 
 Caracas Abominations 112 
 
 Feting the French 114 
 
 Bullfight and Riot ^..116 
 
 Dead Game Sports 119 
 
 ''Priestiferous" Venezuela ..121 
 
 Highbrow Notes 124 
 
 Feet of Clay 127 
 
 Mucho Disgusto ! 130 
 
 Our March to the Sea 134 
 
 Vile Valencia 136 
 
 Puerto Cabello Afflictions. . 139 
 
 "Henri of Navarre" 143 
 
 La Guayra, Carupano, 
 
 Margarita 144 
 
 Carib Isles 147 
 
 Inn-conveniences 148 
 
 Dogs, Dung, Devotion .... .150 
 Guadeloupe Attractions ...152 
 Sailors and Wassailers ....156 
 
 Wrecked 159 
 
 Dirty Baths and Books 160 
 
 Naughty Martinique 162 
 
 Before the Mast 165 
 
 Cuban Towns 167 
 
 The Seamy Side of Havana. 168 
 
 Advertising Florida 178 
 
 My Native Land, 
 
 Good-Night 183 
 
ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 SEA SODOMS— Cover Design 
 
 DAUGHTERS OF TROPICAL FRANCE— Frontispiece 
 
 A MORRILL CENSOR 
 
 HAITIAN JAZZ— PORT-AU-PRINCE 
 
 A DOMINGO TAR-BABY 
 
 PORTO RICAN MOTHER AND CHILD 
 
 CURACAO REVELLERS 
 
 CARIBBEAN COQUETTES 
 
 PUERTO CABELLO, VENEZUELA 
 
 A LANGUID ISLAND LADY 
 
 THE POINT A PITRE MARKET— GUADELOUPE 
 
 MARTINIQUE MARDI GRAS 
 
 HAVANA CARNIVAL FLOAT 
 
But the men of Sodom mere wicked and sinners before 
 the Lord exceedingly. 
 
 — Genesis 13-13 
 
 — A crew of pirates are driven by a storm- they knov: 
 not whither; at length a boy discovers land from the top- 
 mast; they go on shore to rob and plunder; they see a harm- 
 less people, are entertained with kindness; they give the 
 country a new name; they take formal possession of it 
 for their king; they set up a rotten plank, or a stone, for a 
 memorial; they murder two or three dozen of the natives, 
 bring away a couple more, by force, for a sample; return 
 home and get their pardon. Here commences a new domin- 
 ion acquired with a title by divine right. Ships are sent 
 with the first opportunity ; the natives driven out or de- 
 stroyed; their princes tortured to discover their gold; a free 
 license given to all acts of inhumanity and lu^t, the earth 
 reeking with the blood of its inhabitants; and this execrable 
 crew of butchers, employed in so pious an exhibition, is a 
 modern colony, sent to convert and civilize an idolatrous 
 and barbarous people. 
 
 — Dean Swift 
 
SEA SODOMS 
 
 LAND OF THE FREE 
 
 Hurrah ! It was November 11th, 1920, and Minneapolis 
 was celebrating with music, flags and oratory the double- 
 holiday of the anniversary of the Armistice with its triumph 
 of democracy, and the tercentenary of the landing of the 
 Pilgrims who came with a cargo of liberty and toleration. 
 
 On this red-letter day of patriotism, to thoroughly ap- 
 preciate I was alive and a free American citizen, I was sud- 
 denly summoned to appear before a secret agent of the 
 Washington Department of State. The official inquisitor 
 said my book on South America, "To Hell and Back," had 
 been translated into Spanish, and Latin-American press 
 comment was raising Pandemonium from Panama to Pata- 
 gonia; Washington wanted to know the name of the Ameri- 
 can publisher, when and where it was printed, how many 
 editions, if it violated any law and could be suppressed ; and 
 asked him to send a copy at once to Room 103, Department 
 of State, Washington, D. C. 
 
 Why this sudden interest in a book written six years 
 ago? Because it had exposed the filth and falsehood of 
 South America, and lifted the lid so the world could see and 
 smell what was there? Because it had turned the light of 
 "pitiless publicity" on Democratic diplomuts sent there to 
 misrepresent us? Because it might interfere with or injure 
 our trade relations? 
 
 It was this same administration of liberty and tolera- 
 tion that tried to prevent me from taking a pleasure tour to 
 Hawaii and the West Indies the last two years, in 1918 
 confiscated my passport to Ecuador without reason, and 
 arrested me for my Mexico book, in which, in accordance 
 with my calling, I had probed the moral ulcer with a pen. 
 Of course, I know it is wrong for a minister to disclose 
 immoral conditions in these countries, and that his passport 
 should be taken up — as in the days of Peter the Great, trav- 
 eling is treason — for when the M. E. Church Board asked 
 
12 SEASODOMS 
 
 the State Department to place restrictions on passports of 
 U. S. citizens who crossed the Mexican border at Tia Juana 
 to run and patronize a city of vice, booze and gambling, did 
 not the Secretary of State, Bainbridge Colby, reply, "It is 
 not deemed advisable to revoke permit cards on the mere 
 ground that the conduct of the traveler constitutes a viola- 
 tion of good morals, as the Department does not wish to 
 constitute itself a censor of morals"? Matamoros is an- 
 other haven across the line for those hell-bent on having a 
 good time, and it is not difficult for such worthy citizens as 
 gamblers, crooks, drunkards and courtezans to get permis- 
 sion to go there. The State Department shows joyful alac- 
 rity, too, in granting passports to pilgrims bound for Ha- 
 vana and the wicked wet West Indies — at $10 a head. 
 
 I gave the agent ''To Hell and Back" to forward to 
 Washington, and trust the invisible inquisitor enjoyed it. 
 That night I thanked God I was an American citizen, and be- 
 longed to a country of freedom, democracy, toleration and 
 liberty of speech and pen for everybody at home and abroad. 
 
 Perhaps Pascal was right when he said man lost happi- 
 ness by not remaining home — but Voltaire declares happi- 
 ness is a myth invented by Satan for man's despair, John- 
 son and Schopenhauer both affirm happiness does not exist, 
 and Carlyle writes that happiness is not the object of life. 
 To forget my troubles, I bought a ticket to Haiti, but it was 
 necessary first to procure a landing permit before sailing, 
 for the Haitians are very strict since Columbus and the 
 Marines landed on their island and on them. 
 
 The day before leaving New York I visited the Amer- 
 ican Museum of Natural History and saw exhibits from 
 every known part of the world. I thought how it would take 
 ages of travel and millions of money to go to all these places, 
 how much time and money I had spent to see things far 
 away which were right here, and envied Fortunatus, the 
 mediaeval globe-trotter, who had a magic purse always full, 
 and a wishing-cap that could transport him in a wink wher- 
 ever he wanted to go. 
 
 The "Allianca" sailed away Saturday afternoon at 
 five — the buildings climbed the sky as if to scrape a hole 
 through the clouds and let the light through on the city 
 wrapped in slate-gray mist — Liberty looked like the mere 
 
SEASODOMS 13 
 
 ghost of what she had been — and our little bark slipped out 
 into the big dark. 
 
 SEA EDDIES 
 
 "Bomby" breezes welcomed us Sunday morning. The 
 air was clear, but the rough water cleared the deck of pas- 
 sengers, who went below — not to hear me preach, or to make 
 a contribution in a collection plate for some Seaman's Or- 
 phan Home, but to their staterooms to make offerings to 
 Neptune in the receptacles placed for that purpose. 
 
 Lurching into the empty smoke-room, parlor and salon, 
 I found Christian Science pamphlets dealt out for Sunday 
 reading, but there were no readers except myself, and as I 
 turned the pages I discovered there was no such thing as 
 sea-sickness. Amazed at what I saw, or thought I saw, I 
 desired to discuss the matter with the dear old lady who 
 owned the literature and had it distributed, but alas, she, 
 too, was below decks wrestling with the problem whether 
 her soul or stomach was master. Her philosophy might do 
 on solid land, not in the "eddies" of the sea where she was 
 in danger of making shipwreck of her faith. 
 
 Doubtless, what does good is good, and this ''sanitary 
 system" has straightened up and out some of' my Epicurean 
 friends who never attended any church, Jew, Gentile, 
 Protestant or Roman Catholic. If Mrs. Eddy had been a 
 fellow passenger and stopped over at Haiti, I think she 
 never would have written, "Man is incapable of sin," "Sin 
 is a lie — illusion, nothing." As man, minister and Mason, I 
 am in search of light, but up to present writing must con- 
 fess I prefer my mother's Bible to Mrs. Eddy's 
 anti-Christian and anti-Biblical "key" which uses 
 the Scriptures in a Pickwickian sense, and, instead of 
 opening a door of hope in respect to the Creator and crea- 
 tion, sin and salvation, life, death, personal resurrection and 
 immortality, locks me in a cell of dismal doubt. Mary Baker 
 Eddy's status has recently been up in court. Like Banquo's 
 ghost she will not "down." Poor woman ! she only left sev- 
 eral millions of money, was muchly married, is accused of 
 plagiarizing another's philosophy, and has given the world 
 
14 SEASODOMS 
 
 "Science and Health, with Key to the Scriptures," which, if 
 you can afford to buy and accept its teaching, you must 
 reject your Bible. Now her church officers are fighting 
 among themselves as to whether she is, while dead, as much 
 an active officer of the church as when alive, and the center 
 and circumference of Christian Science. Cervantes smiled 
 Spain's chivalry away, and Mark Twain has written a book 
 on ''Christian Science" which makes one smile at this new 
 "Maryolatry." 
 
 King Arthur had his knights of the Round-table, and 
 we had our King day and night at the long table in the din- 
 ing salon. Chief steward King, as a man, had traveled East, 
 and saw to it that the food served us didn't make us "go 
 West." Though the waves had rocked him around the 
 world, he was far from being sleepy like Dickens' fat boy 
 "Joe," and the periphery of his paunch showed he was an 
 all "round" good fellow. 
 
 Wednesday the trade winds blew the Bird, Fortune and 
 Castle islands into view. The Bahamas are noted for rum 
 and the export of sponges, and now they import human 
 sponges from the States who soak up all the rum. Ships 
 seldom stop here on account of reefs. A tiny sail boat 
 came out for magazines and newspapers, but we didn't slow 
 down, or stop to give any, either because Captain Johnson 
 couldn't spare the time, or because he knew the evil effects 
 of such "literature" on the minds of innocent natives. 
 
 CAPE HAITIEN SCENES 
 
 Thursday we neared Cape Haitien and rose early to get 
 a first view of the bay, green hills and mountain:^. Nature 
 rewarded us with a bright sunrise that made it difficult to 
 believe the black colors in which Haiti's history has been 
 painted. A lighter fleet of Bedlam-voiced boatmen oared 
 out to us, yelling, gesticulating, swearing, headed their craft 
 into each other, struck at one another with oars, and jumped 
 from boat to boat to be in the first and best position to 
 load. One crossed our bows as if to get wrecked and receive 
 a reward for damages. When they finally lay alongside, the 
 men loafed for several hours, doing nothing save resting 
 
SEA SODOMS 15 
 
 from their labor. They looked like big gorillas, and I can't 
 forget how they tore out with nothing on to tear, and their 
 pantomime and panting without pants. But it would take 
 more than this to shock some of our first-class lady passen- 
 gers who had spent their time drinking, smoking, gambling 
 and flirting. One had the ''habit" of lying in transparent 
 drapery, or the altogether, while another in her pious mo- 
 ments perused that Christian classic, "The Homosexual Life 
 of Louis XIV." 
 
 The doctor inspected us, but who inspected the doctor? 
 Two stalwart blacks rowed us to shore. Cape Haitien was 
 once known as the "Paris" of Santo Domingo.. The only 
 likeness to the French capital I found was in the dirty hotels 
 and bad drinks sold in them. The town was earthquaked 
 in 1842, and the auto we hired looked like one of the ruins. 
 It started with a jerk, bucked like a broncho, then suddenly 
 stopped and only moved again when the driver called in his 
 friends to give it a shove. Haiti roads are ruinous to autos 
 as well as pocketbooks, $200 being a nominal charge for a 
 15-hour ride from here to Port-au-Prince ; the price of gaso- 
 line is higher than the mountains you cross, and the car is 
 ready for the junk-pile at the end of the trip. And this road 
 is one of the boasted "improvements" our occupation has 
 made possible. 
 
 I should like to pass a sponge over the slate of Cape 
 Haitien's dirty history, but candor forbids. The bard who 
 sings Haiti's sad story should do it in cata"strophes." The 
 Cape, of yore yclept Guarico, was made an ashpile by brands 
 of burning hate hurled against it by revolutionary chiefs, the 
 French fleet and Christophe. The yellow death was the 
 black's ally and slew 30,000 of Leclerc's men. It was bom- 
 barded by England in 1865. The 1842 earthquake made the 
 city a cemetery and piled up the walls and houses like tombs. 
 The natives from the countryside, instead of helping the 
 distressed, helped themselves to their goods, thus illustrat- 
 ing the filibustering and buccaneering practise of the early 
 settlers who came from Tortuga. Bombing and burning did 
 not destroy it, for like a Phoenix it rose again, and today 
 there are substantial w^arerooms, homes, churches, etc. 
 
 The town is an Episcopal See, and one should not only 
 see the church on the plaza, but hear how the brethren love 
 
16 SEASODOMS 
 
 each other. I learned that a big spiritual chief had an 
 '*altar"cation here with one of his flock. He struck a sister 
 in an unbrotherly way and soon the melee was like the Gos- 
 pel, ''free for all." 
 
 In this city of riot, revolution and barricade, the only 
 "hair-raising" barricade I saw was a young girl, seated on 
 a narrow sidewalk blocking the way, having her hair done 
 up in a sort of a coiffure a la Congo by a mulatto maiden. 
 Just far away enough to keep the stray hairs from the milk, 
 stood a milk-white steed, i. e,, a dairy horse, with cans of 
 milk guarded by a black beauty driver. If you are unmar- 
 ried and color-blind, come to Cape Haitien, for I was told 
 there was a colored charmer here who will give $10,000 
 dowry to any white man marrying her. Food for your in- 
 sides is cooked outside on the streets. There was an expan- 
 sive, swarthy, smiling sultana, with head in bandana, pre- 
 siding over an iron kettle, and every time we passed she 
 bestirred herself and the pot, asking us for "something for 
 the pot." Was she a black Medea? Could she put us in the 
 pot, or what was in the pot in us, and make us young again? 
 Who knows, she may have been a voodoo priestess. I was 
 afraid to make any experiment, and took pot-luck lunch else- 
 where. 
 
 Coffee is a leading product of the port. In one building 
 I saw about fifty women singing as they sorted the fragrant 
 berry. This was the only cafe chantant in the Cape. Haiti 
 coffee has color, strength and flavor — there is a reason. I 
 photoed a half -naked black man walking barefoot through 
 the piles of the drying beans as he raked them. 
 
 I came upon a grave-digger in the cemetery (the usual 
 place to find one) , Without any Shakespeare, Gray or Blair 
 soliloquy, I recalled some of the food I had seen on sale in 
 the market, the fact that the barricaded French here ate 
 dog, and opined if I stayed too long my friends would know 
 where my permanent address and remains could be found. 
 
 I went to jail, the cleanest place I had seen. Were one 
 to rem.ain in town long, I fear he might be tempted to be bad 
 and get arrested in order to have good accommodation be- 
 hind the walls. Still, there are a few prejudiced persons 
 who prefer liberty in a filthy hut to slavery in a sanitary 
 cell. As to jail society, I doubt whether it was worse or as 
 
SEASODOMS 17 
 
 bad as some I found in both black and white communities 
 outside the walls. 'Tis said that when the prisoners return 
 from outside work, often a free man will fall in line and 
 enter the jail, knowing he will be better off there. What a 
 country, where the best and most popular institution is a 
 prison! Perhaps fond mothers nightly sing, "There, little 
 baby, don't you cry, you'll be a prisoner by and by." Men 
 are jailed for pilfering some trifling thing, Joy men who have 
 stolen the island from them. Some were learning to carve 
 wood as well as to cut their neighbor's throat. Many were 
 working in the open court, cleaning up the yard, bare- 
 headed in the hot sun, clad in loose jackets and pants. 
 Others had been brought in half-starved, accused perhaps of 
 being bold bandits, yet they were so weak they could scarce- 
 ly stand and dragged themselves about like sick cats. Big 
 game for marines to shoot at ! Others toiled with shackles 
 on their legs, who, if free, couldn't scale the low wall, they 
 were so feeble. I felt like asking the guard why he didn't 
 pick on a man of his size. The hospital and kitchen were 
 not far apart — whether there is any significance in this fact 
 I do not know. 
 
 In the American occupation camp I talked with boys 
 who wanted to decamp — a motion seconded by most of the 
 natives who would like to repeat the history here when the 
 blacks drove the whites into the sea. I was told that on the 
 15th of January, 1921, crepe was to be hung on the houses 
 of Cape Haitien in memory of those killed by the marines 
 the year before. 
 
 Two of our ship's black crew came ashore, rummed up, 
 butted each other's heads like goats to the amusement of the 
 spectators, entered a small saloon, and, because their artistic 
 eye did not appreciate the style of furniture, showed 
 their disapproval by smashing it. Their criticism was not 
 relished by the proprietress, who sent for the police-captain 
 of the port who came and w^hisked them away to the ''cooler" 
 for several hours, after which they were escorted to the 
 boat. Instead of being flogged they were "logged." 
 
 I forgot to tell thee, geographical reader, that Cape 
 Haitien's harbor is protected by a watch-dog reef, and that 
 years ago it set its teeth into Columbus' flagship, "Santa 
 Maria," which was wrecked near here Christmas eve, 1492. 
 
18 SEASODOMS 
 
 What a fine Christmas gift it would have been to the inhabi- 
 tants of the Caribbean if Chris, and his crew had gone to 
 the bottom with it — but cruel Fate works in a mischievous 
 way its blunders to perform. 
 
 A TAR-BABY TYRANT 
 
 Chris, told his Spanish sovereigns that Haiti lacked 
 iron — it never has lacked iron despots, "black"smiths who 
 ruled with an iron rod, who framed laws only to break them, 
 and made massacre a fine art. In sight of the Cape rise 
 mountains of fantastic outline, the most striking of which 
 is 2,600 feet in height known as the ''Bishop's Hat." Cleri- 
 cally, there have been many strange things thought out 
 under a bishop's chapeau, yet nothing more curious than 
 the Citadel, built by Christophe on the summit of Bonnet a 
 UEveque. 
 
 Christophe was the ogre king of Haiti. There is doubt 
 whether he was born at St. Kitts or Grenada in 1767 or 
 1769, but 'tis certain it would have been better for Haiti had 
 he never been born anywhere or at any time. He spent 
 many happy youthful years as a slave. He was black, big, 
 brave, brainy — fine waiter characteristics — and came to 
 Haiti as a waiter. Tired of few tips, small wages and many 
 curses from those he served, he decided to become master, 
 to have others wait on him, and became Lieutenant to Tous- 
 saint L'Ouverture. He had an appetite for something bet- 
 ter than crumbs swept up from the table, and as Catherine 
 of Russia jumped from a washtub to the throne, so he 
 leaped from a table to an emperor's seat. These two 
 ''sports" made record high-jumps in history. 
 
 Dessalines, the usurping emperor, followed Toussaint, 
 and had Christophe build a fort in the North to withstand 
 the French attempt to reconquer the island. Tradition says 
 Christophe played the Brutus part and killed his ruler, 
 shoved the two French fort architects off the wall to the 
 rocks below, and in his Citadel up here became monarch of 
 all he surveyed. Like an early Roman emperor, he has the 
 reputation for being quite original and hellish in his atroci- 
 ties, the number of which would fill a volume and a Boche 
 
SEASODOMS 19 
 
 with envy. He marched soldiers over the parapet walls, 
 recalling the gentle chastisement Tiberius administered to 
 his friends, whom, after torturing, he tossed from a preci- 
 pice into the sea where soldiers broke their bones with poles 
 and oars. When it comes to torture, Christophe is a boon 
 companion to About's ''King of the Mountains." But let 
 us not be too severe in our judgments, to every man his 
 taste in pleasure. He wasn't addicted to movies and golf, 
 so he invited his friends to little parties on the roof -garden 
 of his Citadel, told them to see the beautiful view — and die, 
 since they couldn't go to Naples. 
 
 Seen from afar, the Citadel resembles the Acropolis, 
 though it could more fittingly be called a Necropolis, if it 
 be true that 30,000 perished in its construction. Like the 
 Egyptian slaves who built the pyramids under the lash of 
 hippopotamus-hide whips, they worked without pay, the 
 only things generously bestov/ed on them being curses and 
 lashes with cow-skin whips. When a hundred men found 
 it hard to carry a cannon up here, Christophe shot every 
 fourth man, then every third man, until only fifty were left 
 who pulled it into position. There were dungeons where 
 he dumped men like coal in the cellar. Near his palace of 
 Sans Souci there was a star-apple tree where he held star- 
 chamber sessions that were not "sans souci" to the accused. 
 This tar-baby tyrant, who christened himself Henry I., was 
 so great that people were afraid to look into his black face 
 and so knelt and dislocated their vertebrae before him. 
 With a wink of the eye or wave of the hand he consigned 
 them to the dungeon or his "jumping-off place." He would 
 order a carriage made, and if the builder said it would take 
 three months, Christophe swore that if it were not done in 
 two weeks Death would furnish him a hearse. In the valley 
 of Milot below the Citadel he built a palace, calling it Sans 
 Souci, yet it w^as not without care. Rumour hath it that 
 in its rooms ye black prince was haunted by ghosts, such as 
 disturbed the peace of mind of good King Richard and 
 Macbeth. 'Twas here he shot himself, after learning that 
 he had been betrayed — perhaps the best thing he ever did, 
 though there were many others who would have been 
 pleased to do it for him. And it happened thusly. A stroke 
 of apoplexy gave him a foul blow% paralyzing him below the 
 
20 SEA SODOMS 
 
 waist while attending mass — for you know most murderers 
 and criminals in history are religious men — a massage of 
 rum and pepper did his legs little good, for his journey was 
 drawing to an end. Forsaken by all, he killed himself, and 
 posted on his way to a suicide's hell where his fellow-dic- 
 tator devils welcomed him saying, "Aha, thou art become 
 one of us." 
 
 He reigned — fire and brimstone — thirteen years. Un- 
 lucky number, unlucky man, unlucky island! Writers are 
 prone to ridicule his opera bouffe court and etiquette, his 
 eating and drinking to the health of his Dukes Marmalade 
 and Lemonade, though it was no more ludicrous than the 
 society of Europe which he imitated. He is believed to 
 have carelessly left $15,000,000 somewhere in the Citadel, 
 a sort of Captain Kidd's treasury which hasn't been found. 
 Here he was buried, the body being placed in lime — it 
 should have been chloride of lime, according to his reputa- 
 tion. His tomb, builded of granite and brick, has been 
 looted, and his disconsolate ghost hovers about the Citadel 
 like the clouds. 
 
 The Citadel walls vary from 80, 110 to 130 feet in 
 height, the stone being brought from adjacent mountains. 
 It has four floors, galleries with guns, treasure chests, piles 
 of cannon balls. Like most writers I saw all this from a 
 distance, for the Bishop's Hat is difficult of ascent, requires 
 a lot of time, in the rainy season is impossible, and is hard 
 on the "animals," a burro having recently rolled over the 
 precipice with his rider. I suppose it is quite stupendous, 
 awe-inspiring, wondrous, sublime, etc., and everything else 
 it has been called. My eyes have beheld Rhine castles, Greek 
 temples, Mexican mounds, Egyptian and Yucatan Pyra- 
 mids, and ruins in India and Java, but distance now is more 
 enchanting than the climb. I am becoming blase as Thack- 
 eray when he viewed the Pyramids and dubbed them an 
 "exaggeration of bricks." Of course, the Citadel is a good 
 place for a poet to get rid of his similes and metaphors, a 
 hiker of his surplus energy, a tourist of his money, a church- 
 member of his religion; for an historian to get a page, a 
 moralist a reflection, and a lazy Haitian some money — 
 were there any tourist conveniences. In the future 'twill 
 doubtless make a fine stopping-place for an airship to serve 
 
SEASODOMS 21 
 
 passengers a light lunch and permit them to ruminate on 
 the glory whose paths lead but to the grave, whether up 
 here with Christophe, or down below in the sea with Chris', 
 crew. 
 
 POOR PROGRESS 
 
 Oh, for the Millennium when we shall not have to think, 
 to recall past history of men and things better forgotten — 
 when there will be little to do but perform life's serious 
 duties of eating, drinking, sleeping and multiplying! Does 
 the thoughtful reader exclaim, "What, would you have me 
 forget History which reveals the progress of mankind, and 
 how the 'thoughts of men are widened with the process of 
 the suns' " ? No indeed ! Like Ovid, "I am about to sing 
 of facts" — historic facts suggested by the deeds of that 
 Haitian apostle, black of skin and soul. 
 
 Pheretime, according to Herodotus, impaled her ene- 
 mies, and having cut off the breasts of their wives, studded 
 the walls with them. 
 
 Suetonius tells how Tiberius induced "people to drink 
 a large quantity of wine, and then tied up their members 
 with harp-strings, thus tormenting them at once by the 
 tightness of the ligature and the stoppage of their urine." 
 In his day it was not lawful to strangle virgins, so they 
 were first deflowered by the executioner, then strangled. 
 
 Barbarian women beat their Carthaginian prisoners 
 like so much linen, putting out their eyes with the bodkins of 
 their hair. The men came next and tortured them from 
 their feet, which they cut off at the ankles, to their fore- 
 heads, from which they took crowns of skin to put upon their 
 own heads. Others envenomed the victims' wounds by pour- 
 ing into them dust, vinegar and fragments of pottery. 
 
 Caligula, after disfiguring many persons of honorable 
 rank, by branding them in the face with hot irons, con- 
 demned them to the mines, to work in repairing the high- 
 ways, or to fight with wild beasts; or tying them by the 
 neck and heels, in the manner of beasts carried to slaughter, 
 would shut them up in cages, or saw them asunder. Nor 
 were these severities merely inflicted for crimes of great 
 
22 SEASODOMS 
 
 enormity, but for making remarks on his public games, or 
 for not having sworn by the genius of the emperor. He 
 compelled parents to be present at the execution of their 
 sons; and to one who excused himself on account of indis- 
 position, he sent his own litter. Another he invited to his 
 table immediately after he had witnessed the spectacle and 
 coolly challenged him to jest and be merry. He ordered 
 the overseer of the spectacles and wild beasts to be scourged 
 in fetters during several days successively in his own pres- 
 ence, and did not put him to death until he was disgusted 
 with the stench of his putrified brain. He burned alive, in 
 the centre of the arena of the amphitheatre, the writer of a 
 farce for some witty verse which had a double meaning. A 
 Roman Knight, who had been exposed to the wild beasts, 
 crying out that he was innocent, he called back, and having 
 had his tongue cut out remanded him to the arena. Being 
 very desirous to have a senator torn to pieces, he employed 
 some persons to call him a public enemy, fall upon him as 
 he entered the senate house, stab him with their styles, 
 and deliver him to the rest to tear asunder. Nor was he 
 satisfied, until he saw the limbs and bowels of the man, 
 after they had been dragged through the streets, piled up in 
 a heap before him. 
 
 Persons were often put to the torture in his presence, 
 whilst he was dining or carousing. A soldier, who was an 
 adept in the art of beheading, used at such times to take 
 off the heads of prisoners who were brought in for the 
 purpose. At Rome, in a public feast, a slave having stolen 
 some thin plates of silver with which the couches were 
 inlaid, he delivered him immediately to an executioner, 
 with orders to cut off his hands, and lead him round the 
 guests, with them hanging from his neck before his breast, 
 and a label, signifying the cause of his punishment. 
 
 Russia's rulers took supreme delight in torturing their 
 people. History records of Ivan the Terrible that from 
 some he had the epidermis removed, after which they were 
 flayed. Others he carved, a leg or an arm at a time, which 
 he fed to hounds but seeing to it that the amputated were 
 sustained with drink, that their vital organs were protected, 
 seeing to it that they were tended, nursed, upheld, en- 
 
SEA SODOMS 23 
 
 abled as long as possible to look on the feast of which their 
 limbs were the courses. Others died in sacks, were trampled 
 by maddened horses. But some danced to his piping. Put 
 in cages, they were burned alive. He had cauldrons, more 
 gibbets; saws that cut you in two; pinchers that pulled 
 your tongue out; machines that slipped you, like an eel, 
 from your skin. Under Dmitri, the Sorcerer, ''infants un- 
 born, were torn from their mothers. From gutted horses, 
 hearts were removed. With both a horrible hash was made 
 and strewn, full-handed as grain is strewn before the 
 walls." Peter the Great taught people how to die with 
 their nostrils torn out, eyes extracted, ears severed, body 
 beaten into a bag of pulp, or, in the ardent chambers, 
 cremated while yet alive. One night in Moscow, between 
 drinks of brandy, he decapitated twenty men. 
 
 The pious Louis XI of France imprisoned people, who 
 differed with him, in iron cages. At the execution of one 
 duke he caused the duke's young children to be placed under 
 the scaffold erected for their father's execution, that they 
 might receive his blood upon them, with which they went 
 away all covered; and in this condition were conducted to 
 the Bastile in wooden cages, made in the form of horse- 
 panniers, where the confinement their bodies suffered put 
 them to perpetual torture. This godly king always went 
 covered with relics, and constantly wore a leaden figure of 
 the Virgin Mary in his hat, of which, it is said, he used 
 to ask pardon of his murders before he committed them. 
 Dying, he thought to recruit the weak remains of himself 
 that were left, by drinking the blood of young children to 
 revive his waning strength. 
 
 The penalty of death for heresy was declared by Pope 
 Leo L to be the only sufficient remedy. The following were 
 some of the best approved and most fashionable methods: 
 Thrown to wild beasts; fastened to crosses and wrapped 
 with combustibles for torches ; tied with ropes and cast into 
 the sea; flesh and members of the body torn off with 
 pinchers; stoned, burned, drowned, stung with serpents; 
 hung on sharp hooks and smoked with wet straw and hay 
 until suffocated ; stuck with pins and needles from head to 
 foot; whipped to death; skinned alive; dragged at horses' 
 
24 SEASODOMS 
 
 heels ; torn apart ; boiled in water or oil ; augurs burned into 
 eyes and brain; forced over precipices to fall on beds of 
 sharp steel spikes ; and blown up with a bellows until bodies 
 burst. 
 
 Columbus wrote a letter— now one of the priceless 
 treasures of the N. Y. Lenox Library— telling that when 
 he first came to Haiti the natives thought he and his men 
 had come from heaven. He said they were amiable and 
 kind, and was so overjoyed at his rich find that he ended 
 his letter by asking his king and queen and all other coun- 
 tries of Christendom to give thanks for his victory and gift : 
 ''Let religious processions be solemnized ; let sacred festivals 
 be given ; let the churches be covered with festive garlands. 
 Let Christ rejoice on earth, as he rejoices in heaven, when 
 he foresees coming to salvation so many souls of people 
 hitherto lost." 
 
 But Columbus' "salvation" meant the Indians' dam- 
 nation. They were yoked like cattle. The men were driven 
 to the mines and the women to the fields to work, and a 
 million of them were wiped out. They were torn to pieces 
 like dog-meat and fed to bloodhounds. With pointed re- 
 marks the Spaniards stuck sharp sticks through them and 
 burned them alive. If an Indian struck back in self-defense, 
 and didn't turn his other cheek, but killed his master, 50 
 Indians were selected to have their hands chopped off. 
 Little children were immersed, not for baptism, but drowned 
 like cats and dogs. To honor the loving Christ and his 12 
 Apostles, they seized thirteen Indians, hung them up in a 
 row so their toes just touched the ground, and slowly pricked 
 them to death with their sword-points. One Spanish cap- 
 tain complained that his nap was being disturbed by the 
 shrieks of half a dozen Indians suspended over a slow- 
 burning fire, and ordered them killed at once, but the Chris- 
 tian Inquisitor, who was enjoying the spectacle, simply 
 gagged the poor victims. Indians absent from mass were 
 flogged with 40 blows and often massacred. Six were 
 burned alive in one fire for heresy — a gentle cure. Others 
 lived to be carried away with imported diseases, overwork 
 and starvation. It was this hell-sent, heaven-damned 
 Christopher Columbus to whom we are indebted for the in- 
 
SEASODOMS 25 
 
 troduction of slavery in the New World. Within 12 years 
 after his arrival a million were sacrified on the altars of 
 iiist, lucre and cruelty, making the devil a saint and hell 
 heaven in comparison. In the morning, instead of going 
 to the garden for head-cabbage, the Spaniards sharpened 
 their knives and cut off human heads enough to fill many 
 baskets. The cross was exchanged for the sword, and cries 
 made from whiplashes drowned out the loving accents of 
 the Sermon on the Mount. Chris, said it was Christian to 
 enslave the Carib cannibal, sell him and send l:im where 
 he could be baptized and saved from eternal hell. He de- 
 clared the fettered Indians could be taken in payment for 
 the cargoes of wine, seeds, cattle and other provisions which 
 must come from Spain to support the colonies. So he 
 shipped them as slaves to Spain. Is it to be marvelled at 
 that Indian mothers beat in their children's heads, drank 
 poison, jumped off the mountains, hung themselves to trees 
 and disemboweled themselves ? Evidently they had a change 
 of mind and heart, and no longer thought that Christopher 
 Columbus and his crew sailed to their lovely isle from heav- 
 en. 
 
 The Spaniards were just as humane to the black slaves 
 imported from Africa when the supply of Indians ran out. 
 They whipped them until their backs were raw, then poured 
 brine on their wounds. I think it very strange that the 
 negroes objected and mutinied. The Frenchmen who came 
 later to Haiti were no better to their slaves. It was too 
 slow work to line them up by a trench and shoot them in, 
 so they chained them together, took them out to sea and 
 threw them overboard like an anchor, or broke them on 
 the wheel and burned them alive. 
 
 Following are some Christian reproofs administered by 
 the white French colonists to their black heathen slaves: 
 One Poncet mutilated his slaves and killed his own illegiti- 
 mate daughter by pouring boiling wax in her ears; Cor- 
 bierre buried his slaves alive; Chapusiet, incensed by the 
 loss of one of his mules, caused the keeper to be put alive 
 into, the interior of the dead animal when he and the beast 
 were then buried ; Jouaneau nailed one of his slaves to the 
 walls by the ears, then cut them off wath a razor and roasted 
 
26 SEASODOMS 
 
 them, compelling the victim to eat them; De Cockburn, a 
 knight- of St. Louis, buried his slaves up to the neck and 
 used their heads as a game of ten-pins ; Michau threw his 
 slaves, v^hile alive, in a hot oven; Desdunes burned more 
 than 45 blacks alive, men, v^omen and children; Jarosay, 
 in order to have only dumb servants, cut out their tongues ; 
 Madame Ducoudrai gave from two to three hundred lashes 
 to her slaves, and hot sealing wax was afterwards poured 
 on their lacerated flesh; Madame Charette put iron masks 
 over her slaves' faces and left them to starve to death; 
 Lartigue caused his servant Joseph to be quartered alive; 
 Guilgaud, Naud, Bocalin tied their slaves to trees and left 
 them there to die from exposure ; some planters buried the 
 blacks up to their shoulders, and with pincers forced them 
 to open their mouths and to swallow boiling syrup, while 
 others had their prisoners sawed between two boards. 
 
 In the race wars that followed the whites tied a negro 
 70 years old to the tail of a horse and dragged him through 
 the streets. At one place they killed 2,000 mulattresses. 
 A white man named Larousse killed Madame Beaulieu, a 
 colored woman in an advanced state of pregnancy. Her 
 abdomen was opened, child torn out and thrown into the 
 fire. 
 
 Two victims, without lawyer or trial, were thus sen- 
 tenced : "Whilst alive to have their arms, legs, thighs and 
 spines broken; and afterwards to be placed on a wheel, 
 their faces toward heaven, and there to stay as long as it 
 would please God to preserve their lives; and when dead, 
 their heads were to be cut off and exposed on poles." 
 
 The French set up a post in the centre of a circle where 
 seats had been placed for General Rochambeau, his staff 
 officers and many of the colonists and their wives. This was 
 the comedy they witnessed. General Boyer's black servant 
 was tied to the post and famished bloodhounds were let into 
 the arena. Because the dogs were slow in tearing him to 
 pieces. General Boyer took his sword and with a single 
 stroke disemboweled the poor servant. Then he caught hold 
 of one of the dogs and forced its mouth into the vibrating 
 entrails of the victim, and amid the applause of the specta- 
 
SEASODOMS 27 
 
 tors and the sound of a military band, the servant was torn 
 to pieces by the bloodhounds. 
 
 The French were most merciful to their prisoners. At 
 one time 1,500 were ordered killed, but many did not die 
 and were left in a horribly mutilated state. The silence of 
 the night was broken by their moans and cries which were 
 heard at a great distance. 
 
 Naturally a rivalry arose, and the negro heathen, not to 
 be outdone by the Christian whites, retaliated. They car- 
 ried a white infant on a spear-head as a banner of liberty, 
 ravished girls in the presence of their parents, sawed white 
 men to pieces between planks, drank human blood mixed 
 with tafia rum, nailed police officers to gates, chopped off 
 legs and arms. The heads of whites, stuck on poles, were 
 hung around negro camps. The whites struck back and 
 swung negroes from trees and gibbets. Afterwards both 
 whites and blacks praised God, and sang "Te Deum 
 laudamus." 
 
 Dessalines, one of the great men of Haiti (see Field- 
 ing's definition of "greatness" in his "Jonathan Wild"), 
 strung up 500, mostly officers, in the presence of their 
 army. He beat a poor woman, unable to work in the field, 
 causing the premature birth of her child. On the slightest 
 pretext he ordered a man or woman whipped to death. An- 
 other emperor, Soloque, grew angry at his army, put them 
 in pits, kept them without food, and left them to be devoured 
 by vermin. While on a boat Dardignac, a mulatto, tied bars 
 to a friend's ankles and shoved him overboard. Seven pris- 
 oners were set before him at a table in a semi-circle; he 
 took a gun and shot them down one by one. A negro was 
 caught, his ears cropped, the tiD of his nose cut off, his 
 mouth slit to his neck, his legs broken with musket balls, 
 after which he was tossed into a cactus bush. A recent 
 Haitian president was cut up, dragged through the streets, 
 mutilated, the mob carrying his privates publicly through 
 the city. 
 
 Voodooistic negroes brought to Haiti many beautiful 
 beliefs and customs from Africa, their native land. One 
 of the religious rites of the Voodoo ceremony included can- 
 nibalism. They thought the kidneys of a child a delicacy, 
 
28 SEASODOMS 
 
 As late as 1879 midwives rendered new-born babes insensi- 
 ble, buried them alive, dug them up, restored them, killed 
 and ate them. Detected, they received six months' impris- 
 onment. In 1881, the flourishing days of Port-au-Prince, 
 a doctor discovered the neck and shoulders of a human 
 being on sale in the meat market. At St. Mark a cask of so- 
 called *'pork" was found to contain fingernails and human 
 flesh. President Salnave, in a voodoo ceremony, bathed in 
 the blood of goats. Often the gore of goats, still warm, was 
 put on the lips of initiates to seal them into silence. Pic- 
 tures of the Virgin Mary and saints are to be seen on the 
 walls of voodoo temples. In the past a Roman Catholic 
 priest, to make a little money on the side, charged a fee to 
 sprinkle holy water on the fetish or bless the voodoo stone 
 paraphernalia brought from Africa. There are various cases 
 where children, cut up, were found in baskets, and disem- 
 boweled women in casks in outhouses. Not long ago women 
 were arrested in the very act of eatins: a child raw whose 
 blood had been sucked from the body. Some of the flesh had 
 already been salted down for future use, and they were most 
 deliberate in all this and not mad like that woman eating 
 her child in Wiertz's painting. Voodoo priests employ 
 agents to scour the country and find children for the rites. 
 People have been arrested and imprisoned for digging up 
 and eating corpses. Once in Port-au-Prince the body of a 
 youth was found with a weapon piercing his heart, a thin 
 hollow cane being inserted in the back as if to suck the 
 blood. In Ju-Ju ceremonies Haitians drink animal blood 
 mixed with white rum. Packages of salted human flesh, 
 rolled up in leaves, have been unearthed in houses where 
 sacrifices were offered. At one trial a witness testified a 
 child was strangled, skinned, sliced, beheaded, the blood 
 caught in a jar, that a procession was formed, the head 
 borne aloft, and sacred songs were sung. Later at the feast 
 the head was put in the pot with yams to make soup. A 
 hungry woman sliced off a piece of the child's hand and ate 
 it raw. An orgy followed, and in the morning the remains 
 of the flesh were warmed up and eaten. 
 
 During the last few years of the American occupation 
 some of our marines were burned to death, their heart and 
 
SEASODOMS 29 
 
 liver eaten by the anthropophagous natives, and their brains 
 removed to grease bullets. Fiendish ! yes, but what did the 
 marines do here? Killed several thousand, shot down inno- 
 cent men, women and children with machine guns, com- 
 mitted theft, arson, rape and murder, put blacks to torture 
 to make them give information. During five years massacre 
 of the Haitians, less than 20 Americans have been killed 
 and wounded in action. Shooting **caco" bandits has been 
 their pastime — ''bandits," because the natives refused to be 
 made slaves by working on the roads. Investigations have 
 disclosed that black prisoners have been saturated with kero- 
 sene and set on fire. The U. S. boys inaugurated a form of 
 torture known as *'sept" in which the victim's leg was com- 
 pressed between two rifles and the pressure against the 
 shin increased until agony compelled him to speak. An- 
 other way to get answers to marine questions was to hang 
 men and women by the neck until strangulation forced them 
 to give the information. Machine .guns were often turned 
 on crowds of unarmed natives. Innocent Haitians carry- 
 ing arms were shot at sight. Prisoners' heads and faces 
 were disfigured by beatings. A Haitian boy caught steal- 
 ing sugar on the wharf, instead of being arrested, had his 
 brains beaten out with a rifle. The marines committed 
 horrible rapes on Haitian women. On one occasion a crowd 
 of negroes was surprised at a cock-fight and killed with 
 machine guns and rifle fire. 
 
 But enough ! I fear the reader is yawning at this tame 
 recital, and I wonder if he still thinks it necessary to read 
 history to show the ''progress" of mankind. The naked 
 truth of history is indecent, and so, as Thackeray observes, 
 most history is writ on fig-leaves. Our own marines in 
 Haiti are guilty of crimes that would have pleased Caligula, 
 Torquemada, Louis XI, Columbus, Ovando and Peter the 
 Great. If you are not satisfied with the few atrocities I 
 have narrated, hark back to pre-Christian times, or listen 
 to the bloody boasts of booted boobies who have returned 
 from France and tell of things Caesar and the Duke of Alva 
 would be ashamed of. If you haven't been on a battlefield, 
 and can't find a soldier to tell you the truth, read Zola's 
 "Debacle" and Andreyev's "Red Laugh," and you will see 
 
30 SEASODOMS 
 
 how humanity is progressing. Truly, the trade of the sol- 
 dier is the most honorable of all others, says Swift, be- 
 cause a soldier is a Yahoo hired to kill in cold-blood as many 
 of his own species who have never offended as possibly he 
 can. Haiti is as celebrated in the history of peace, as hell 
 in the annals of virtue. 
 
 To return to my diary. At night the "Allianca" left 
 the Cape and anchored outside, ready to sail in the morning. 
 About midnight we took aboard new visitors. In coming 
 on, one fell overboard and was not recovered. The other 
 gained the deck and struck out so I thought he must be re- 
 lated to Sharkey, the pugilist. He was tall, athletic and with 
 a reach that could ''fin"ish one in short order. However, in a 
 fight with the crew that night he was terribly cut up, and 
 next day was buried in bur stomachs. Shark meat, like 
 octopus, whale, mule, horse and rattlesnake, is good food 
 when well-cooked. The shark isn't a sword-fish but can 
 kill and disembowel with his saw-like teeth. Still it's all 
 for food, not fun. He isn't a devil-fish though he has the 
 reputation of one. Native mothers and teachers give him 
 a bad name and scare the children, yet he isn't half as cruel 
 as Alexander the Great, Christophe, or Capt. "Jinx" of 
 our marines. 
 
 PORT DE PAIX 
 
 Westward ho for Port de Paix, the next port. We paid 
 to come here, but were told there was no time to go ashore. 
 We went, though there was the devil to pay, and met the 
 obligation. *'L" and I were jawed and "rowed" over, and 
 after the fight to reach land it really was a port of peace. 
 Herodotus doubted the report there were people who slept 
 six months of the year. Here he could have multiplied it 
 by two, for the inhabitants act sleepy the year round. Like 
 good boys we went to church to see the fathers, then to 
 the sisters' convent to see the children. In European gal- 
 leries I have seen pictures of the Holy Family — ^this group 
 was different. Special pains were taken to teach the scholars 
 nothing and give them diplomas of ignorance. The real 
 problem in Haiti is to teach the teachers, 
 
SEASODOMS 31 
 
 Perhaps ideals and morals would be higher if the town 
 were not so low and marshy. Coffee is the leading product, 
 but we had ours on board, and well we did, for they weren't 
 selling any to strangers on shore. Commercially speaking, 
 the bottom had fallen out of Haiti's coffee pot. Cocoa was 
 plentiful. ' It was heaped up and drying in the streets, and 
 being a drug on the market, I took some for medicinal 
 purposes. Port de Paix is the ''retreat" of 10,000, though 
 I couldn't find any of Xenephon's heroes on the corners 
 shining shoes or selling flowers, tobacco, soda and cigars. 
 There may be running fountains — I failed to see them — 
 yet you can always see natives with running sores. Every 
 dog has his day, and if those of Lazarus' time were here, 
 there would be plenty doctor work to do. As it is, they are 
 'licked" if they get in the way. Along shore I photographed 
 log and dye wood, so these poor natives are doubtless able 
 to have fine coffins. The market had a profusion of vaga- 
 bonds and vegetables, and dirt enough to grow the latter 
 without cultivating suburban gardens. I was disappointed 
 in not finding voodoo human flesh for sale — although several 
 market women might be had for a price. It was typical to 
 see many people selling, but having little food to sell. The 
 French General, Laveaux, shut up in this town in 1794, be- 
 wailed the fact his men had no shoes, clothes, soap and so 
 forth. Port de Paix seems to be no better off now, and 
 looks anything but a Valparaiso ("valley of delight") 
 which it was called by Chris, who came here on his first 
 voyage. 
 
 The citizens were well supplied with all diseases, ex- 
 cept smallpox, and were expecting its arrival daily, since it 
 was trying to make a conquest of the island. Photos of 
 unfortunates with face and back in different stages of the 
 disease were posted on street corner and in Gendarmerie. 
 
 We received permission to enter the jail where was col- 
 lected such an assortment of rags, bones and caricatures of 
 humanity, that when I asked to take a photo the officer 
 thought the effect would look too bad in the U. S., and only 
 consented after removing some of the worst specimens. 
 Poverty, Disease and Despair, those three ministering 
 Graces of humanity, were present — high walls could not keep 
 
32 SEASODOMS 
 
 them out. One poor fellow had been unsexed by a man from 
 whom he had stolen a little fruit, a simple and pleasing pun- 
 ishment prevalent among the natives. 
 
 In 1665, French filibusters captured the city. It was 
 settled by freebooters, men who felt free to kick away from 
 legal restraint and make might right. Cain was the first 
 city-founder, and students of history learn how the world's 
 great cities have been founded and confounded by thieves, 
 cut-throats and other gallant heroes, whether in Virginia 
 or Australia. This town was the seat of the caciques, i. e., 
 the old native chiefs, but they are gone and have taken 
 their tale of woe with them. 
 
 The ship was our home and we were glad to return. 
 There is no place like home for friends or fights, and one 
 of the latter was staged on our house-boat. This Friday 
 was not good Friday but bad. During dinner the pas- 
 sengers were entertained by a sideplay in the kitchen where 
 two gentlemen of color disagreed about some little affair 
 and started breaking dishes on each other's head and sharp- 
 ening knives on their skulls. There was a flow of blood 
 and blasphemy, but the difficulty was patched up by the 
 steward and surgeon. A famous place for seafights is this 
 part of the Caribbean which could fitly be called the Red 
 Sea because of the many murderous Macbeths who have 
 washed their hands in its waters. 
 
 PASSING THE BUCCANEERS 
 
 Across the channel lies Tortuga, Turtle Island, the 
 headquarters in the seventeenth century of the Buccaneer 
 Butcher Co., an organization boasting some of the most 
 artistic weasand-slitters and windpipe-cutters on record. 
 'Twas in this century Harvey discovered the circulation of 
 the blood and Newton the law of gravitation, the buccaneers 
 illustrating the flow of blood and fall of bodies by murder- 
 ing man on land and sea. Tortuga is not large, being nine 
 leagues long and two miles wide (it is a treasure island, too, 
 where parties go in search of fabulous amounts of buried 
 gold), but occupies a large place in history. It is covered 
 
SEASODOMS 33 
 
 with woods and would be bare if all the rascals who had 
 lived there had been buried in wood coffins. 
 
 The buccaneer belonged to the 400 society of smugglers, 
 pirates, marauders and murderers who sailed about incar- 
 nadining, the seas and painting cities red with fire and blood. 
 The word ''buccaneer'' means to smoke beef, as the Indians 
 did, and later was applied to men who hunted hogs and cat- 
 tle, then to pirates who raided Spanish holders who had a 
 monopoly on heaven above and desired a corner on earth. 
 The English, Dutch and French governments loved Spanish 
 gold, hated the Spanish religion, and winked at the dep- 
 redations of their countrymen. The buccaneers aided in 
 the conquest of Jamaica and the settlement of the Bahamas. 
 Henry Morgan came from Tortuga. , He was a bold, bad, 
 benighted man knighted by England in reward for commit- 
 ting all the crimes known to humanity. He even stole the 
 booty of his own fellow pirates. He was made Lieutenant 
 Governor of Jamaica. How like Europe and America today, 
 since it is the men who butcher and steal who get honors 
 and pelf. 
 
 The freebooters of Tortuga made enough money to 
 hire engages, white servants, paying their passage from 
 France, buying them body and soul for three years, and 
 rewarding them with starvation, beating, maiming and kill- 
 ing. When D'Ogerau became governor of Tortuga he had 
 cargoes of courtesans shipped from France who were sold 
 to the buccaneers to make them feel at home. Without 
 formal legal or clerical wedding ceremony they took each 
 other for better or worse, with some such ceremony, the 
 man saying: ''I take thee without knowing, or caring to 
 know who thou art. If anybody from whence thou comest 
 would have had thee thou wouldst not have come in quest 
 of me. But no matter; I do not desire thee to give me an 
 account of thy past conduct because I have no right to be 
 offended at it at the time when thou wast at liberty to be- 
 have either ill or well according to thine own pleasure and 
 because I shall have no reason to be ashamed of anything 
 thou wast guilty of when thou didst not belong to me. Give 
 me only thy word for the future; I quit thee of the past." 
 Then striking his hand on the barrel of his gun, he would 
 
34 SEA SODOMS 
 
 add, 'This will revenge me of thy breach of faith ; if thou 
 shouldst prove false this will surely be true to my aim." 
 
 What a contrast between today's National City Bank 
 buccaneers in their nifty, tailor-made suits, and those old 
 swashbuckler sea-rovers of the seventeenth century with 
 red shirts, big breeches, flaming bandanas, armed with 
 pistols and knives, a string of pearls or a crucifix hanging 
 from the neck, and the scarred body tattooed with the 
 devil, a nude woman or a cross. They had sack to drink, 
 sacked cities, and had sacks full of gold. The map shows 
 several ''banks" off the Haiti coast — do they contain the 
 treasure of the Spanish galleons sunk by our Tortuga 
 friends? Some were brave chaps like Kidd, or big and lit- 
 erary like Dampier, but their influence waned and went out 
 with the century. Kingsley sings their swan-song in "The 
 Last Buccaneer." 
 
 GONAIVES AND KNAVES 
 
 I* am familiar with the jovial countenance of St. 
 Nicholas, his red nose and twinkling eyes, but not until I 
 rounded the corner of the island did I know he had a "mole." 
 Chris, first landed on Haiti at St. Nicholas Mole, the New 
 World's Gibraltar. Later came the French, the German 
 and English bringing hell with them, raising large crops 
 of the same, and teaching the Haitians how to do it. In 
 drear outline and barrenness the coast suggested the Holy 
 Land, and fantastic were the volcanic rocks that rose up, 
 leaned over or stretched out in massive shape. 
 
 We made our advent among Gonaives' population of 
 18,000 early Saturday morning, and dropped into the Advent 
 church where several worshippers were reading their Bibles 
 and waiting for the pastor. The city fathers believed in 
 big things for their city if one may judge by the great width 
 of the streets and area of the parks and squares. Yet the 
 traffic of man and beast is small and the streets are filled 
 with grass and dust. Perhaps they were made large so the 
 blacks might have a wide and easy range to shoot each other 
 during revolutions. In the sunny, treeless plaza stood a 
 
HAITIAN JAZZ— PORT-AU-PRINCE 
 
A DOMINGO TAR-BABY 
 
SEASODOMS 37 
 
 huge Christ and cross with a world for a pedestal, a serpent 
 crawling up from it. A block away, in sight of this cross, 
 a native mother offered to sell her child and self to my 
 friend from New Orleans. The city dogs and pigs have 
 quite as high a moral character as some of the inhabitants. 
 Flanking another desolate square is the big cathedral with 
 a large house and garden adjoining. From a window in the 
 house leaned two sleek, well-fed priests, the Lord's lazy- 
 bones, with beards as long and bushy as the shrubs in the 
 garden. It was Beggars' day. Some were at church, and 
 others formed a small procession to a house hard by where 
 each one received a small piece of money. The only troops 
 I met with were mendicant men, women and children, 
 ragged, dirty, crippled, emaciated, ulcerated — walking hos- 
 pitals — a wonderful parade. They made regular rounds to 
 the stores and houses picking up much small change. It is 
 a poor sort of religion that impoverishes its people to en- 
 rich its priests. 
 
 A BLACK HERO 
 
 It was from Gonaives that Toussaint L'Ouverture, 
 Haiti's black hero, was taken away a prisoner to France. 
 He was born near Cape Francais, Haiti, in 1743, of a slave 
 father and mother. The blacks and mulattoes fought for 
 their rights in 1791. After he aided his master's escape to 
 Baltimore, he joined the army, became general and captured 
 the white forces without bloodshed. The black leaders first 
 accepted Spanish help, then England invaded the island. 
 A first-class row followed and Toussaint decided against 
 England and Spain in favor of the French who had pro- 
 claimed freedom to their slaves. He united with the French, 
 drove out the English and Spanish, and was made com- 
 mander in chief of Santo Domingo. When the Civil War 
 between blacks and mulattoes ceased, the entire island 
 became subject to Toussaint who governed it under the 
 French. He had a Council of nine, eight white citizens and 
 one mulatto, which elected him president for life. A con- 
 stitution was framed, adopted and sent to France. But 
 the First Consul, who always consulted himself first, said, 
 
38 SEASODOMS 
 
 ''Toussaint is a revolted slave whom we must punish." So 
 66 war vessels and 30,000 men were dispatched to Haiti to 
 re-establish slavery and conquer the island. But the French 
 couldn't do it. Then lying offers of peace were made, "So- 
 help-me-God" promises of liberty, and Toussaint had the 
 assurance of being retained as chief in power. Believing 
 the French whom he had aided, he signed the peace treaty. 
 It was a scrap of paper, and he was betrayed and shipped to 
 France. He sent his defense to Napoleon, made appeals for 
 trials, and received about as much satisfaction as Debs did 
 from Wilson. 
 
 Of this hero who styled himself the Bonaparte of Santo 
 Domingo, William Godwin, English author, an acquaintance 
 of Paine, Wordsworth, Coleridge and Lamb, said that the 
 West Indian islands could not boast of a single name which 
 deserved comparison with it since Columbus had discovered 
 the West Indies. Whittier and Wordsworth sang his praises, 
 and Wendell Phillips, the American agitator, liberator and 
 orator, delivered a marvellous lecture on him. Feeling the 
 black man's capacity, courage, humanity and possibility of 
 improvement, and using the Santo Domingo insurrection as 
 an illustration, he declared : ''Negro blood instead of stand- 
 ing at the bottom of the list, is entitled, if judged either by 
 its great men or names, by its courage, purpose or endur- 
 ance, to a place as near the Anglo-Saxon as any other blood 
 known in history." He made Toussaint a hero of the lec- 
 ture platform and as well known as George Washington or 
 John Brown. It has been said of the Louisiana Purchase that 
 Toussaint, this black ex-slave, betrayed by false promises of 
 Napoleon and devilishly starved in a French prison at Joux, 
 did as much to help the U. S. get it as Thomas Jefferson 
 or Livingstone. 
 
 Like a Danton or Marat he fought in Santo Domingo 
 for the honor and virtue of his fellows and won their inde- 
 pendence in 1801. Then in 1802 ''Nap," wide awake, sent 
 his idle soldiers to reinslave him. Toussaint was betrayed 
 but the work went on. Providence sent the pestilence to 
 help him and in a few months six-sevenths of the French 
 army were dead. The Little Corporal received a big jolt, 
 exclaimed, "Mon Dieu," and proceeded to do something else. 
 
SEASODOMS 39 
 
 concluding if his army were beaten in tiny Santo Domingo 
 he would have no chance in a war over the rich territory of 
 Louisiana he had been anxious to make the Kohinur in 
 his crownly possessions. So he hurried to sell to the U. S. 
 what included all of the Indian territory, Kansas, Nebraska, 
 Iowa, Wyoming, Montana and the Dakotas, most of Colorado 
 and Minnesota, and all of the Washington and Oregon 
 states. Credit to whom credit is due. Our bargain purchase 
 of 1803 was made possible by Toussaint who was the pre- 
 cursor, the John the Baptist, preparing the way for the 
 Lord of Liberty. Toussaint fought for France, drove out 
 the English and Spanish, and with what reward? Betrayed, 
 robbed, insulted, his wife and children arrested, he was 
 placed on board the ship "La Creole" at Gonaives, then re- 
 shipped on the "Heros" where the hero uttered these memor- 
 able words, "By my overthrow the trunk of the tree of negro 
 liberty at Santo Domingo is laid low — but only the trunk ; 
 it will shoot out again from the roots, for they are many 
 and deep." He was taken to Brest, weeks later to Fort Joux 
 and placed in a subterranean damp cell. His wife and 
 children were sent to Bayonne. He was allowed but one 
 servant who later was put in chains and sent to prison at 
 Nantes. Poor Toussaint! They gave him tattered rags 
 for clothing, worn-out shoes, and the little food, he had to 
 cook for himself. Here starved and shivered the body but 
 not the soul of this great man. This and more he endured, 
 unaccused of any crime and unsentenced by any court of 
 justice. He was left without food or drink four days when 
 Death's kind angel came to his release. April 27, 1803, 
 they found Toussaint, greatest of all the black race, dead, 
 sitting by the fireplace, his hands resting on his knees, and 
 his head slightly bent down to the right. What black 
 treachery the French were guilty of ! When Napoleon was 
 banished to St. Helena, did the ghost of this black hero 
 arise to haunt and accuse him? Wordsworth sang, "There's 
 not a breathing of common wind that will fore-p^ ^^>iee," and 
 Whittier wrote of the French mockery that knelt to pray in 
 the blood of the murdered. 
 
 As I walked the street in Gonaives bearing Toussaint's 
 name, and saw the wretched souls in it, I cried, "Oh, lame 
 
40 SEASODOMS 
 
 and impotent conclusion — is this the end of thy great 
 struggle and sacrifice, Toussaint? When will these sons 
 and daughters of thine walk in thy ways !" 
 
 Here Dessalines issued a Declaration of Haitian Inde- 
 pendence January 1, 1804, a New Year's gift. Today it 
 is dead as the people buried in the cemetery and those I 
 saw walking. In the market were many straw hats for sale, 
 but no liberty caps — the only one Haiti possesses is on her 
 coat of arms and sprouts from a palm tree. Hearing a 
 piano, I looked in an open door where I saw a kind, middle- 
 aged man giving his daughter music lessons. He invited me 
 to enter. Selecting a classic, he turned the leaves while 
 the girl played. To be a good fellow I sat down and ham- 
 mered out the "Marsellaise" as if to pound the idea of free- 
 dom in their heads. I took such violent physical exercise on 
 the piano I rather felt he was pleased to see me leave. 
 
 A glance in the criminal court showed a crucifix over 
 the seat of justice, and looking at the benches filled with 
 natives on trial, I hoped the quality of mercy would be 
 strained and the dirt kept out, that these people would get a 
 square deal, that rank unfairness might be seasoned with 
 justice, and the judge render the deed of mercy which he 
 hoped to receive. 
 
 GOSPEL TRUTH OF ST. MARK 
 
 Leaving Gonaives we sail by Point Diable and enter 
 the harbor of St. Mark. I was familiar with St. Mark's 
 Gospel and St. Mark's of Venice ; here one finds some things 
 not recorded by the one or seen in the other. There was 
 nothing spiritual in the odor that greeted us, nor was there 
 any of that balmy fragrance mentioned by Chris, and the 
 Spanish rovers who cruised along here. Green shore and 
 blue bay suggested something sweet, and I wondered to 
 what or whom we were indebted for the overpowering per- 
 fume wafted to us. The state of Haiti's religion and politics 
 is low, and the people are decadent, but it was not this — 
 only the stink-laden lighters full of bilge-water that were 
 coming out for freight. If the wind was to sit in that 
 quarter we decided to change ours, and went ashore. 
 
SEASODOMS 41 
 
 Ruskin raved over the stones of Venice and St. Mark's ; 
 what would he have said of this town's church with its three 
 spires, a part of the roof gone, and the seats and aisles cush- 
 ioned and carpeted with debris ? The beams overhead were 
 sun-beams falling through the ragged rafters, and the few 
 worshipper's were equally dilapidated. Neglect was the min- 
 ister and Disorder the sexton. It had been in this condition 
 for months. Whether the natives are too poor to repair it or 
 monej^ has been diverted for other objects, or there is a re- 
 serve fund, I don't know — or care. 
 
 Half-naked women and children were washing them- 
 selves and clothes in a small stream. These negro naiads 
 were unattractive in face and figure, crooked and long- 
 shanked, and would have furnished excellent caricature 
 studies for a Cruikshank. Unlike Phryne, were they to be 
 brought up before a judge, their only chance of getting off 
 would be to put their clothes on. Like the stream I 
 meandered on till stopped by two black wenches, with flour- 
 powdered faces, who bombarded me with patois questions. 
 I could only understand their actions, and left. 
 
 The Saturday market draws crowds as treacle does 
 flies. Sans roof or shade trees, all broiling in the sun, were 
 the blacks in white with their babel of tongues. They en- 
 joyed it — I felt like the Atarantes in the desert who cursed 
 the sun as it passed over their heads, uttering the foulest 
 invectives. The plain was full of plain women whom I 
 forsook for a shady street and a large ice-box filled with Hol- 
 land beer. The per cent of alcohol I have forgotten, but not 
 the taste. David could not forget Jerusalem and I will not 
 soon forget the joy with which I departed from St. Mark. 
 
 PESTILENTIAL PORT-AU-PRINCE 
 
 Sunday morning ushered us into the harbor of Port- 
 au-Prince. American influence and supervision were not 
 only seen in the airplanes humming above us, but in the 
 restrictions and offensive attitude of the U. S. soldiers con- 
 trolling the wharf. Our colored crew was forbidden shore 
 leave, not on account of smallpox in the city, as was al- 
 leged, but because on a former trip they had made some re- 
 
42 SEA SODOMS 
 
 marks on the marine occupation, which terminated in a 
 fight to the blacks' disadvantage. It appears our soldiers are 
 without feeling in their brutal treatment of others, though 
 touchily sensitive when their record is referred to. On 
 shipboard I met some army officers, talked with them and 
 overheard their remarks to others. One had cleaned out 
 a prison and another had cleaned up a "caco." They were 
 gentlemanly and kind, gave me their side and strongly re- 
 sented the criticisms which had appeared in the U. S. press. 
 Ashore they endeavored to arrange where I should stay, 
 whom I should see and what I should do. I sincerely thanked 
 them, preferring to look through my own eyes. Later one 
 of them asked the purser who I was, why I came to 
 Haiti, what my game was. You see, business was poor in 
 the island, few tourists come, and as for writers, investigat- 
 ing committees and naval boards of inquiry, their minds 
 and memoranda are made up before they even buy a ticket 
 for Haiti. The prodigal sun was having a hot time here, 
 and when I remarked that Hell had nothing on Haiti for 
 heat, a shoulder-strap soldier overhearing me said, "One 
 should not be prejudiced but come here with an open mind." 
 The fact was, my mind as well as my pores had cracked 
 open with the heat. This incident taught me, however, to 
 keep my eyes and ears open and my mouth shut until I got 
 out of the country. 
 
 After the ship had been made fast we were tied up 
 with red-tape before our landing certificates were vised. 
 Alas, too many ports in this latitude are not worth the time, 
 money and energy required to land. Although our white 
 crew had been denied shore leave, one of them went off 
 with us disguised as a passenger, carrying a basket on 
 his arm. Basket-carrying is a strange custom in these 
 islands. People returning to ship always come back with 
 one, a curio basket, and the curious thing about it is that it 
 isn't filled with fruit or flowers, except on top, for hidden 
 beneath are rum, cognac, whiskey, absintha and any other 
 devil firewater drink obtainable. 
 
 Port-au-Prince streets, instead of being knee-deep in 
 muck, are macadamized. A dubious blessing, for they 
 radiate and reflect the glare and heat of the sun, unen- 
 
SEASODOMS 43 
 
 durable except to a fiend or a Haitian. One wears little 
 although he is "clothed with cursing as a garment." Street 
 gamin were gambling with pieces of orange-peel for dice. 
 At night you must watch your step, or you may step off 
 suddenly from the walks into open sewers, making a vanish- 
 ing act creditable to a magician. The daughters singing at 
 the well of Jerusalem made no more ado than the jabbering 
 Haitian girls who jab one another with their tin cans while 
 trying to get piped water from the public fountain. 
 
 The main plaza in front of the Cathedral is treeless and 
 has all the landscape beauty of a city dump. Piously I toiled 
 up to the big new Cathedral facing this ''park." One climbs 
 a stone staircase to a terrace where the church stands. 
 There were flies enough to please Domitian, and a stench 
 that would make a skunk feel at home. ''The wicked stand 
 in slippery places," and believe it or not, this perfume 
 emanated from this Scala Sancta where natives defecate 
 at night, and up which devout souls climb by day to the 
 House of the Lord, of which the Psalmist asks, "Who shall 
 ascend into the hill of the Lord, or shall stand in his holy 
 place? He that hath clean hands and a pure heart." Here 
 you see one of the "fundamentals" of religion. With such 
 an odor of sanctity, I was not surprised to find a funeral 
 here in the afternoon. 
 
 In this fly-buzzing, buzzard atmosphere we saw many 
 of the poor taking their siestas, lying prone in the street. 
 Next to the new Cathedral was the old one, and of more 
 interest to me because associated with the political and 
 religious history of the city. If I am not mistaken, it was 
 here a casket containing the remains of a ruler lying in 
 state was riddled with bullets. 
 
 Port-au-Prince's orthodox Sunday program is to go to 
 the Cathedral in the morning, to lunch and munch, about 
 noon, on chicken which you have served 366 days of the 
 year, then to the cockfight. We were orthodox firstly, sec- 
 ondly and proceeded to thirdly. The way through a farm 
 hen-roost was clean compared with the road leading to the 
 cockpit. This part of the city is an eye-sore. Why were 
 quakes, fires, fevers and fights so charitable as to leave it? 
 Passing many dozing natives in doorway and street we ar- 
 
44 SEASODOMS 
 
 rived at the pit, and it was pitiful to see that many of the 
 spectators' faces were yellow as bile and pitted like a thimble 
 with smallpox. The game birds were not the roosters but 
 men. The cocks fought without spurs, being spurred on 
 by the crowd. There was the usual betting on the birds, 
 fight and confusion. The people were poor, like the fight, 
 and there was little exchange of money. The annals of 
 the poor are simple-minded ones. 
 
 Our cooking itinerary included the *'Gut," through 
 which we passed, a section of the city near the water-front 
 fittingly named for the refuse of humanity. It was offaly 
 awful and awfully offal — a place where Heat, Stink, Disease 
 and Dirt were the local genii, a little hell by itself, not even 
 paved with good intentions. To people living here any- 
 thing after death would be a relief. Rambling through 
 ardent streets and lanes, we heard a tom-tom, and being 
 inquisitive went over to where two women in a back yard 
 were going through some sort of voodoo vertiginous oscilla- 
 tion. They stopped at our applause, but money set their 
 muscles going again, and they only ceased when the money 
 did. I was pleased to leave this carrion quarter of Port-au- 
 Prince to visit the prison, an Elysium in comparison. Two 
 classes were represented, criminal and insane, which in the 
 minds of some penologists are one and the same. A semi- 
 nude female minced up to me with a handful of garbage, 
 offering it as fine fruit. An ape-like old lady sat stark and 
 staring crouched against the wall under a sort of shower- 
 bath. The hospital made dying easy. The best looking 
 woman I saw in Haiti was here. A number of girls whose 
 love of exercise makes them streeet- walkers, are "kept" here 
 for a month or so and put to other work. The male de- 
 partment was composed of murderers, thieves, bandits, 
 voodooers and doers of all sorts of crimes. They were 
 seated under trees and walls, meditating, probably, dark 
 deeds when they got out. I spoke to two men who com- 
 plained of lack of food, but there was plenty for reflection. 
 
 The finest horses in Port-au-Prince are in the Carousel 
 which take you merrily around, all others are starved, lame 
 steeds that should land the man who drove or hired them 
 in jail. I got in one rig and then got out to hold the horse 
 
SEASODOMS 45 
 
 up in the shafts, and managed to push this livery up the 
 hill past the palatial residences of the coffee and cane- 
 planters to the Mountain House, where I drank in a fine 
 view of harbor, hills and sunset, while imbibing something 
 else. An American naval officer stationed here told me of a 
 wild orgy that took place a few days before in which a high 
 American officer was killed through the jealousy of that 
 ancient cause — a woman. "Shoot if you must," is the motto 
 of black or white. That's what our soldiers are here for. 
 Mr. Shay, the proprietor of the hotel, had recently died. 
 He was an historic character in Haitian history. Through 
 a mutual friend I had a talk and visit with tne family. 
 
 MORAL RELAXATIONS 
 
 The Champ de Mars is a large cow-pasture where the 
 band bellowed music at night. Negroes promenaded in the 
 dark, autos honked and the hurdy-gurdy sound of the Car- 
 ousel happily drowned out the noise of the band. Outside 
 the park we were held up, not by highwaymen, but by two 
 low women who desired to relieve us of money and virtue. 
 They spoke English, said they were from Jamaica, and they 
 were full of something besides ginger. This sort of society 
 is typically West Indian. I took refuge in a drink parlor 
 full of sailors playing cards. They asked me to join them 
 but I preferred to play on the piano. 
 
 The original inhabitants of the island spent an unor- 
 iginal, happy, pastoral life in drinking, dancing, debauch- 
 ing and practising polygamy. Today the whites, instead of 
 practising it, are finished artists. When it came to the old 
 Spaniards the S in their name stood for sensuality. Ruth- 
 less rape and devilish debauchery were the cardinal points 
 of their carnal sin. Chris.' followers — knights of Columbus 
 and of the road — brought back from Haiti to Italy, among 
 other things, a venereal disease which even today is known 
 as the Neapolitan disease. The French succeeded the 
 Spanish and even exceeded them, if possible, in excess. Their 
 relaxations were very lax. When the planter was not tor- 
 turing the male slave, he was promiscuously seducing his 
 female slaves and servants. Marriage was not popular. 
 
46 SEASODOMS 
 
 and when he did have a legitimate wife, who saw her hus- 
 band's infidelity, her jealous fury showed itself in beating or 
 poisoning his mistresses, his family and slaves, or killing 
 him. In 1685, Louis XIV published a Code Noire, an article 
 of which was that a white was to be fined 2,000 pounds in 
 sugar who had children by his slaves. If a white debauched 
 his slave the woman and children were to be sold for the 
 benefit of the hospital and could not be repurchased. 
 
 Many of Haiti's national heroes were but humanized 
 goats. Dessalines had concubines in every city who could 
 draw on the public treasury to meet their extravagances. 
 Salnave was a knave who made the palace a roadhouse re- 
 sort of wildest and wickedest women. The reverend rakes 
 who came here from Europe were more immoral than ihe 
 natives. They came from the continent to be incontinent, 
 and had the asceticism of a satyr. 
 
 Voodoo temple service, like religious worship in old 
 heathen temples, became a shrine of sodden sin. What a 
 philosopher said of ancient beliefs applies here, ''they were 
 an unchecked development of physical pleasure." Haitians 
 don't believe in that excellent copy-book maxim, ''Virtue 
 is its own reward." Laziness, as well as tropic heat, ac- 
 counts for much of this licentiousness, as well (or ill) as 
 the immodest mothers who recount amours before their 
 young daughters. On your way from the city to the ship 
 you are followed and importuned by impish girls, from 
 8 to 10 years old, who solicit to Sodom sins. Rome had 
 altars for every sin — here they have all sins but are too 
 poqr to build the altars. Little boys are runners for their 
 sisters, and all kinds of abominable iniquities are openly 
 committed in dark streets. In country festivals natives per- 
 form, dances on the roads about phallus images they hav^' 
 made, recalling the pagan phallus processions of Egypt in 
 honor of the festival of Bacchus. I talked with Haitians, 
 Syrians, French, Americans and Englishmen who had lived 
 here for years, and their verdict was a paraphrase of Wal- 
 pole's words, "Every woman had a price." The Haitian 
 ladies are not hypocritical, their vice is open^ — they do hpt 
 lock their house or wear a padlock on their waist like that 
 woman pictured by the Spanish artist, Goya, in one of his 
 
SEASODOMS 47 
 
 ''Caprichos." An old maxim reads that a lion will never 
 hurt a virtuous v^oman ; you can't apply the test, for there 
 are no lions here — if there v^ere, there v^ould be but fev^ 
 women, and the consequences would be as dire as those de- 
 scribed in Swift's satiric dream in the Tatler. Haitian 
 women are very religious, and, at the same time, faithless. 
 Their ideas of fidelity are little better than those of the lean 
 pigs running about the streets. Dancing and drinking are 
 not the only reasons why the drink and dance halls are 
 frequented. Port-au-Prince is a city of dreadful day and 
 night. On our way to the ship a cloud-burst of rain fell as 
 if to baptize the town and people, but it will take more than 
 water to clean this cesspool city. 
 
 A BAD OCCUPATION 
 
 It would seem that all Haiti needs to make it a fine 
 country is a garbage-incinerator, plumbing, baths, clean 
 kitchens, education, morality, monogamy, health, money, 
 peace, an anti-cruelty society, clothes, roads, honest courts, 
 etc. Haiti is before the world but behind the times. The 
 spell of misrule in Haiti makes h-e-1-1 the way to spell it. 
 Her most refined pleasures are cock-fights, booze and orgi- 
 astic dances. There is plenty of witchcraft but little state- 
 craft. Worse than the witch-doctors are the political medi- 
 ums and mumbo-j umbos sent here from the U. S. Haiti is 
 called the ''black republic," yet the whites have made it 
 blacker than it was in body, mind and soul. We tell the 
 natives not to lie, steal, kill or torture, yet deliberately do 
 all these things here. Haiti hates U. S. The last few 
 years Uncle Sam has extended a black hand, not a helping 
 one, and has exerted a malign and not a benign rule. 
 
 It is said an American down here remarked that if he 
 knew how to draw% he would represent the occupation by a 
 black man held down by a white soldier, while another white 
 man went through the black man's pockets. Another officer, 
 who happened to be a man as well as soldier, said our "ad- 
 venture" was a disgrace to the U. S. marine corps and a 
 travesty on civilization and humanity. 
 
 Five years of violent, vicious misrule in Haiti, with the 
 
48 SEASODOMS 
 
 law of might instead of right, have put the U. S. in the un- 
 enviable light of England to India and Egypt, Belgium to 
 the Congo, and Germany to Belgium. The book of Ameri- 
 can imperialism, according to a man who was on the ground 
 from the first, is divided into five chapters : " (1) Invasion 
 of a weaker nation on behalf of investors accompanied by 
 explanation that the invasion is for the purpose of 'restor- 
 ing order.' (2) Enforcement of a treaty or agreement 
 ceding control of the weaker nation's finance to the strong- 
 er, the treaty convention being ratified by a farce of an 
 election presided over by invading soldiers. (3) Mass mur- 
 der of those of the population who resist, the revolutionists 
 being called 'bandits.' (4) Atrocities. (5) Rigid censor- 
 ship." In regard to this last point no Haitian paper was 
 permitted to say anything in criticism of the Haitian gov- 
 ernment or our occupation. If the editor wanted to change 
 his printing sanctum for a prison cell, all he had to do was 
 to print the truth about what was going on. As for 
 atrocities, the blame is not so much on the murderous mar- 
 ines as the "nigger-hating" politicians in the U. S. who 
 sent "nigger-hating" marines here, recruited from the 
 South. 
 
 Under the Monroe Doctrine we are supposed to protect 
 these islands from foreign aggression, and under this same 
 doctrine we have practised the tyrannies we were pretend- 
 ing to fight against. America was horrified in 1914 when 
 the Imperial German government justified its invasion of 
 Belgium as a military necessity. In 1915, with the same ex- 
 cuse, we invaded Haiti because we said some stronger power 
 might use it as a base of naval action against the Panama 
 Canal or the U. S. The word "republic" applied to Haiti 
 is pure fiction when we control politics, suppress newspapers 
 and officer their gendarmeries. 
 
 In Wilson's dictionary, not Webster's, the words "de- 
 velopment" and "thuggery" are synonymous. It is a mat- 
 ter of record that a commanding officer was sent to Haiti 
 although he had been courtmartialed for brutality to natives 
 in the Philippines. 
 
 The machine-guns of the marines and the "canons" 
 of big business show a happy result in the defeat of the 
 
SEASODOMS 49 
 
 islanders. Already the Haitian bank is owned by Ameri- 
 cans, as are the national railways, the lighting plants and 
 the sugar-mills. I came down with Americans who are try- 
 ing to purchase the best land in the country. 
 
 Haiti was the paradise for Democratic office-seekers 
 from the South. The head of the Customs Service was 
 clerk of a Louisiana parish, and another deputy-collector 
 was from Mississippi. The superintendent of Public In- 
 struction was a school-teacher in Louisiana, whose schools 
 for white children are a disgrace. From this same sweet 
 state came Haiti's financial adviser, Mr. Mcllhenny, and 
 how could any "Mc" be ''any" good. Good Lord! when it 
 comes to occupation officers who have taken their wives and 
 families to Haiti, what may you expect — just what you find. 
 The people who lived at home in ordinary circumstances 
 now occupy beautiful villas, and women who couldn't afford 
 to keep a hired girl in the U. S. A. have half a dozen now 
 whom they boss around. At home they couldn't afford a 
 Ford, and here every Department head has a fine automobile 
 furnished at Haitian government expense, while the mem- 
 bers of the Haitian Cabinet, who are not only theoretically 
 but practically above them in many ways, can hoof it or 
 stay home. 
 
 Our school teacher superintendent of instruction from 
 Louisiana has an auto furnished at government expense, 
 and his superior officer, the Haitian minister of Public 
 Instruction, has none. When the Haitian President, Mr. 
 Dartiguenave, wanted to make an official trip through the 
 interior, he had to beg and borrow an auto from the occu- 
 pation. But he has other things to feel sore about. He 
 says: 
 
 That the American financial adviser to Haiti attempted 
 to coup with Haitian funds that cost Haiti millions. 
 
 That earnest projects having to do with the welfare of 
 his people, and devised by him and his counsellors, are re- 
 jected by the occupation without examination or explana- 
 tion, owing to Mr. Mcllhenny's inertia. 
 
 That vital proposals are buried in the archives of the 
 American legation of Port-au-Prince. 
 
50 SEASODOMS 
 
 That the civil functionaries of the American occupa- 
 tion made no response to the aspirations of the government 
 to undertake measures for primary, secondary and higher 
 education. 
 
 That Haiti has been made to pay the salaries ($250 a 
 month) of two rat catchers assigned to New Orleans, but 
 that it cannot obtain funds to pay the expenses of three pro- 
 fessors which France has offered to lend to Haiti. 
 
 That, although it was solemnly promised in the treaty 
 conventions of 1915, Haiti has received from the Ameri- 
 can occupation no effective aid in agriculture or industrial 
 development, or toward the creation of financial solidarity. 
 
 That Haiti is paying $10,000 a year to an American 
 ''financial adviser," who has turned autocrat. 
 
 That the promised new system of public accounting 
 has never been devised by the American officials, with the 
 result that Haiti is not able to count its own money. 
 
 That he, Dartiguenave, has been asking and waiting 
 for 20 months for improved fiscal measures the occupation 
 promised but has never delivered. 
 
 That an American autocracy exists in the guise of 
 advice and receivership. 
 
 That Washington is too badly informed about Haiti 
 and too much interested in other questions of foreign policy 
 to pay much attention to Haiti. 
 
 That bitter humiliations have been and are being en- 
 dured, and 
 
 That the American civil administration of Haiti is 
 more oppressive than the military administration. 
 
 A recent protest to Washington has been received from 
 Haiti. ''The Haitian people feel," says the memorial, "that 
 if the naval court of inquiry has not fulfilled in Haiti the 
 broad mandate conferred upon it by Mr. Josephus Daniels, 
 it is because it was faced with charges of such a horrible na- 
 ture that it thought best to pass them over in silence." 
 
 Among the acts charged against the American occupa- 
 tion of Haiti are : 
 
 Administration of the "water cure" and other tortures 
 by American officers and Marines and the commission of 
 
SEASODOMS 51 
 
 ''numberless abominable crimes," of which 25 cases, with 
 names and dates, are given in the memorial. 
 
 Removal of $500,000 of Haitian government funds 
 which American marines carried off "and took on board the 
 gunboat Machias," and which were deposited in a New 
 York bank to ''force the Haitian government to accept con- 
 trol of the custom houses by systematically depriving it of 
 financial resources." 
 
 Entrance by Brigadier General Smedley D. Butler on 
 June 19, 1917, revolver in hand, followed by American 
 officers armed with their revolvers, into the Haitian legisla- 
 tive chamber, and dissolution by force of the Haitian legis- 
 lative assembly. 
 
 Enforced ratification on June 12, 1918, of a new Haitian 
 constitution, with Marines presiding at the ballot box, only 
 ballots bearing the word "yes" being issued. 
 
 Death of 400 prisoners in Cape Haitien, and of 5,475 
 prisoners at Chabert, an American camp, in the three years, 
 1918-1920. 
 
 Exclusion from the naval court of inquiry of "all 
 Haitians who had anything to say regarding the numerous 
 cases of murder, brutality, rape, arson, that is, of Haitians 
 who wished to convince the court of inquiry of the way in 
 which the forces of the occupation had carried out their 
 duty in Haiti." 
 
 After the ratification- of the treaty, it is charged that 
 "there is not a branch of public service in Haiti which has 
 not had to submit at one time or another to illegal interfer- 
 ence, often brutal, either by the gendarmerie laying down 
 the law to the government, or by the military occupation, 
 the absolute master of the situation." 
 
 The naval investigation ordered by Secretary Daniels 
 is characterized as a "joke" and Admiral Knapp is accused 
 of having done "nothing at all" when ordered to investi- 
 gate, 
 
 Such is the Haitian's impeachment of Uncle Sam. Evi- 
 dently, it is not always true that the further you get from 
 Washington the nearer you are to honesty. 
 
 I found Haiti was not "cleaned up," for filth, squalor 
 and fever abound. Roads are bad but inroads of diseaise 
 
52 SEA SODOMS 
 
 are good, 87 per cent of the people being infected with one 
 thing or another, often both. Voodoo superstition is ram- 
 pant and morality unknown. The mountains are clothed 
 with forests and the people with rags. The laborer makes 
 the princely wages of a gourd (20c) a day — not much more 
 than the blacks receive in the sugar-cane fields of the Brit- 
 ish West Indies. Schools are mean and miserable — some 
 teachers in the rural district receive only $6 a month. The 
 bottom has dropped out of the island's market basket and 
 coffee, cocoa and sugar have fallen low. Mountains are 
 high but debts are higher. Yet prospects are brightening 
 — for the American grafter, who will make the old viceroy 
 of the Spanish king, who received $30,000,000 in a single 
 year, look like a piker. 
 
 The Haitian is ignorant, unhappy, constitutionally 
 lazy and would like to cut the throat of every white man on 
 the island. His political temperature equals the thermome- 
 ter's, and daily plots are hatched to overthrow the presi- 
 dent. Acrostically speaking, Haiti stands for what is Hope- 
 less, Aimless, Illiterate, Tragic, Illegitimate. The donkeys 
 are the most intelligent dwellers in the island. The Ameri- 
 can eagle to the Haitian is a vulture, and he hopes the U. S. 
 occupation, like Othello's, will soon be "gone." 
 
 WOEBEGONE MIRAGOANE 
 
 After my pleasant sojourn in Port-au-Prince, the "Al- 
 lianca" took me to Miragoane, a woebegone little town 
 perched on a hill. After anchoring we were rowed in a small 
 boat to the regular landing place where the town sewage 
 flowed and settled. This debris and dump were symbolic. 
 Our guide was a genial young Southerner, clad in Uncle 
 Sam's suit with belt and gun. He led us to his barracks 
 with a fine view of sea. I gave him a book of stories and 
 some papers, for his duties are monotonous — bossing the 
 toy town, smoking cigarets, and shooting at fish and peli- 
 cans in the harbor. Back of the church-crowned hill is 
 a large shrine with cross, Christ and sacred figures, and 
 near this a populous cemetery, the result of a plague some 
 years ago. The "city" is picturesque with its hills and har- 
 
SEASODOMS 53 
 
 bor, the only disagreeable features being those of the people 
 who exist here and the houses they exist in. The people are 
 very poor, and I might have known it from the size of the 
 Cathedral. Conveniently near it is the jail, so lapsed com- 
 municants may still hear the service. Slippery and rocky is 
 the descent into this prison. The walls are whitewashed, 
 the occupants black — whether washed I do not know. A 
 big tree in the courtyard would make a fine gallows, if 
 needed, and so prove elevating to one at least. I photoed 
 25 of the misleading citizens, and told them to ''look pleas- 
 ant" — as possible under the circumstances of an American 
 snapping them. 
 
 Outside I took another picture of a religious school. 
 The children were on the porch — whether learning to be 
 porch-climbers or pupils of Zeno, the porch philosopher of 
 Athens, I leave to the discerning reader. Here I became a 
 disciple of another Greek school of philosophy, the Peri- 
 patetic of Aristotle who taught his disciples walking, and 
 -I went off for a ramble. I met a poor girl on a donkey, and 
 remembered Horace's words about "atra cura" (black care) 
 jumping on behind when I saw a little black imp climbing 
 on back of her. The sewers, like the church and school, 
 were open. The plaza band-stand was without musicians 
 but I listened to a band of prison laborers singing, each 
 keeping time by swinging a sort of handpile-driver as they 
 fixed the road. Log- wood was piled on the beach, a valuable 
 "dye" wood suggesting the woods nearby where prisoners 
 of old were shot. Coffee and cabinet woods are other ex- 
 ports. 
 
 My warrior guide was friendly though he looked quite 
 fierce with his gun and belt full of cartridges. He went 
 out to the ship with us and began shooting sharks from the 
 deck, which made the captain nervous and he was told to 
 refrain. When he went down the gang and entered 
 his own little craft, he began popping away again. The 
 captain laughed and said he was a big soldier boy who could 
 boss the blacks ashore, but that he was boss of this ship. 
 Leaving the frowsy, drowsy, tiny town to dream its happy 
 hours away, we sailed off into the sunset. 
 
54 SEASODOMS 
 
 JEREMIE AND DUMAS 
 
 Jeremie is near the northwest tip of the Tibournon 
 peninsula, and known for export of sugar and coffee, when 
 business isn't dull. In the morning the peaks looked as if 
 they had been on a jag, for their heads were bandaged with 
 clouds. On entering the harbor we were in danger, through 
 wind and current, of casting anchor at the wrong point, 
 greatly exciting the native pilot who came out and waved 
 and wigwagged to our captain the place we were to let go. 
 Queer, you stop the ship and let the anchor go. After ob- 
 taining a health permit from the doctor, we went ashore in 
 the agent's boat to this town where the 400 select souls of 
 Haiti reside. 
 
 After a weary walk through business and residential 
 sections we were glad to rest, where all must rest sooner or 
 later, in the cemetery. There was many a beautiful monu- 
 ment for the dead — I know they must appreciate them — 
 but the best one was for the living, a high green hill in the 
 background. Close by stood a Protestant mission school 
 with a few children playing in the door. An old-time, worm- 
 eaten piano within grinned at me with its yellow and black 
 keys. 1 
 
 The city court was empty, his honor was out, and the 
 dishonored were in jail. The judge's comic cap and opera 
 costume were hanging from the wall, a black cloak lined 
 with red, in which to act his travesty bn justice, the colors 
 being indicative of the bloody history of the blacks in Haiti. 
 Of course, Jeremie has a Cathedral where, in the words of 
 Michael Angelo, 'The blood of Christ is sold so much the 
 quart," and a market where I was offered everything I 
 didn't need. I was surprised, though, to find the sign of an 
 American dentist whose office was as modern as any in his 
 Philadelphia home. He showed me a R. C. school where a 
 young priest was teaching a class, and the Protestant church 
 where he worshiped. An old janitor opened the building, 
 ushered me into the pulpit, gave me the French Bible, and 
 urged me to read. I read the 23rd Psalm. There were only 
 three present, who apparently were very much pleased — at 
 my French accent. I hope the Father in heaven under- 
 
SEA SODOMS 55 
 
 stood me even if his children on earth didn't. My dental 
 pilot then conducted me down town to a store where dwelt 
 three weird sister members of this church. He acted as in- 
 terpreter, and just when we were getting up a good conver- 
 sation the boat whistled and we bade them a hasty au revoir. 
 "Come'' and "go" are the two words in a traveller's vocabu- 
 lary. When on ship you want to go on shore, and when on 
 shore you want to go back on the ship. The torpor of the 
 town had been recently roused by the cry of "fire." Fire 
 burns a wood house here as easily as in Tokyo, and a sec- 
 tion of the city had been destroyed. 
 
 Jeremie has the honor of being regarded as the sup- 
 posed birthplace of the great Alexander Duma's father, a 
 dashing Creole general who was the illegitimate son of 
 Marquis Davy de la Pailleterie, and Louise Dumas, a black 
 woman of Santo Domingo. Had this island done nothing 
 but produce the geneological tree which bore the literary 
 fruit of Dumas and scattered his literary leaves all over the 
 earth, it would have achieved immortality. 
 
 It is not to be wondered at that descending from an- 
 cestors whose island was overrun by pirates, Dumas had 
 a penchant for literary plundering. He stole from Schiller 
 and many others, excusing himself by saying, "All human 
 phenomena are public property. The man of genius does 
 not steal, he only conquers. Everyone arrives at his turn 
 and in his hour seizes what his ancestors have left, and puts 
 it into new shapes and combinations." Dumas employed 
 an army of scribbling Don Quixotes to storm the heights 
 of Parnassus for him. In the year 1844, he issued 40 vol- 
 umes. The works bearing his name number 1200, and 60 
 dramas are attributed to him. "Monte Cristo" is in the 
 class of "Robinson Crusoe" and "Waverly." In "Three 
 Musketeers" he fired a shot heard round the world. He 
 was a jovial genius, full of life, wit, brilliancy and industry. 
 The literary world credits him with narrative that is in- 
 genious and morality that is genial. No Ladies' Seminary, 
 scientist's laboratory, or clergyman's library should be with- 
 out him. 
 
56 SEASODOMS 
 
 AWFUL AUX CAYES 
 
 The country betwixt Jeremie and Aux Cayes is very 
 rich in possibilities and beautiful in scenery. Passing the 
 He de Vache the ''Allianca" anchored opposite the town of 
 Aux Cayes asleep in the arms of the shore. It has the 
 usual exports of coffee, sugar and dye-wood, and the fame 
 and flavor of its rum had reached us far at sea. The port is 
 locked by many keys, and it is hard to find the right one to 
 get in, as evidenced by the wrecks outside. I saw one 
 wrecked bark whose crew is said to have gone crazy with 
 fever, striking the reef here one night — a bad "wreck"oning. 
 They had started from South Africa for New Orleans. The 
 crew was saved and the cargo sold — after the natives had 
 first helped themselves. The great liberator, Bolivar, was 
 more successful, for he landed, and secured food and arms 
 from the Haitian government to aid him in his fight against 
 the Spanish for liberty in Venezuela. The person unfortu- 
 nate enough to come here today gets smallpox, yaws, 
 malarial fever, elephantiasis, syphilis, and other agreeable 
 ailments. 
 
 As a fleet of lighters poled out to the **Allianca," we 
 pulled for shore and were met by the usual American mili- 
 tary officer with his gun sign of authority. Like every 
 decent soldier who ever served, he was bigger and better 
 than his profession. He was kind, offered to make it pleas- 
 ant for us, taking us first to his quarters where he received 
 a hurry-up 'phone message, from one of his aides 30 miles 
 away, that there had been a social gathering of rioters the 
 night before who had discussed the weather, and whether 
 they ought not to overthrow the Haiti president. Many 
 Haitians think their ruler a marionette tied with political 
 strings to Washington, and they would love to cut the strings 
 and the throats of those who manipulate them. Upstairs 
 were several disabled men of war worsted in their attack on 
 some houses of ill-fame where Venus had sent them away 
 sorely repulsed. 
 
 Aux Cayes was without water supply, it was tres chaud, 
 but there was plenty of liquid refreshment at the hotel 
 where many stay and few sleep. This sounds quite trivial, 
 
SEASODOMS 57 
 
 but chronicling small-beer is the main business of life, ac- 
 cording to Thackeray — if you don't care for what I have 
 on tap, brew your own in your own home town. Strolling 
 through streets where coffee was piled up like revolution- 
 ary barricades or sewer excavations, I met natives swarm- 
 ing in from the country districts, dressed in their best, and 
 bringing their children. Where were they going? Was it 
 a fete day? Yes, of Saint Vaccine, for the Occident unites 
 with the Orient in venerating the sacred emanations of a 
 cow. 
 
 The temple w^here the ceremonies took place was in the 
 yard and patio of a church institution, and French sisters 
 and an American Masonic doctor were initiating the victims 
 who filled the benches and standing room under the. trees. 
 When they crowded out of turn the sisters of ''mercy" took 
 whips, lashed them over the back, arms, neck and face, and 
 they were ''cowed" before receiving the cow-juice. I had 
 been vaccinated before and thought it wouldn't hurt to be 
 again, but it did, alas, as I learned to my arm's sorrow. The 
 vaccination was by command of the military occupation 
 which insisted every one should be vaccinated to avoid the 
 spread of the pestilence. 
 
 The Haitian proverb reads, "If you see a bridge, go 
 around it." That depends where and what it is. The 
 Colonel took us across one in his car in safety. At one end 
 of it we passed a poor victim of elephantiasis who was 
 taking toll on human charity. Beneath us was the ever- 
 present river-laundry exhibit of white wet clothes and 
 black legs, arms and breasts. From this animated bust pic- 
 ture we turned off to one of native "still" life where the pro- 
 prietor was making tafia rum. He was careful to show and 
 explain all as though we had come to buy the plant. Aux 
 Cayes roads are as rough as the life the people lead who 
 travel them. We became rough-riders, bumping by rough.- 
 looking houses and people, and hurricane-wrecked buildings, 
 for this end of the island is famed for its blow-outs. The 
 destroyed Masonic temple had not been rebuilt, but the sign 
 of the square and compass remained, and what that stands 
 for in Masonry can never be destroyed, for it is in the heart 
 of the Creator Mason, the great Architect, God. On the 
 
58 SEASODOMS 
 
 ground walk in front of the ruin were many pancake-shaped 
 pieces of wax that were being dried out to make into candles 
 for the R. C. Cathedral hard by. ''Light" is the great thing 
 in Masonry, and we are always glad to spread it in Roman 
 Catholic countries. 
 
 The church is a favorite resort. The Father told our 
 guide Ms flock was hard to lead — it came to him for the 
 privilege of committing outrageous sin and crime not 
 classed in the permitted indulgences. Good costs an effort 
 in Haiti, evil is spontaneous. In Tetzel's time there was 
 no indulgence restriction. He was the general Dominican 
 preacher of indulgences to whom Martin Luther made some 
 mild objections in 1517 in his Wittenberg theses. The 
 spirit of this indulgent habit was formed among Protestants 
 during the late war when they indulged the hope God would 
 answer their prayers and permit them to ravage, rape and 
 ruin their enemies. Here you see a costly shrine with ex- 
 pensive, unartistic, grand double stairway leading to a 
 platform with life-size statues, back of which towers a cross 
 and Christ. In the shed tower was a large new bell weigh- 
 ing many tons and costing barrels of money. The church 
 fathers, of respectable age and corpulence, have a palatial 
 mansion on the plaza. You see, the Roman church believes 
 in the kingdoms of this world. However, a good shepherd 
 should shear his flock, not skin them. In sharp contrast 
 was the small public school in a miserable little room back 
 of a store, where half a dozen children were sitting in the 
 dark on some rickety benches, and trying to learn God 
 knows what. Here children, as in the old Bible days, "per- 
 ish without knowledge." 97 per cent of Haiti's population 
 is illiterate. The U. S. occupation of five years has done 
 little except raise the salaries of the Roman Catholic teach- 
 ers in church schools, and nothing at all for government 
 schools, such as they are. But our republic has other 
 cares than the encouragement of education. Our press, 
 just before election, said much of Haiti, but nothing of its 
 religious and educational conditions. Why silent? Because 
 it reflects on the Roman Church. The divine Head of the 
 church said, "By their fruits ye shall know them," and we 
 know that ignorance prevails in the teaching and practise 
 
SEASODOMS 59 
 
 of this church which considers its own privileges superior 
 to the interests of humanity — its ease and income to the 
 good of people — whose priests are always in the right — 
 that places all ideas of liberty on the Index Expurgatorius — 
 consecrates inequality — significantly places a dome over its 
 edifices as it does a light-extinguisher on the brains of its 
 children — and strangles the human race to send it the 
 sooner to Paradise. 
 
 The Aux Cayes gaol has few foreign visitors and is not 
 a show place like the one at Cape Haitien or Port-au-Prince ; 
 nor do investigating committees get down this far. The 
 colonel was ashamed of it but did the best and most he 
 could with the money given him. It is difficult to imagine 
 a worse hole in the delightful days of Christophe. I chris- 
 tened it the "Pestilentiary." Men and women were crowded 
 like cattle in pens, and walked and slept on rough boards. 
 As at Port-au-Prince, the insane were herded with the 
 criminals. I kodaked a mad woman, and a man introduced 
 to me as the "Son of God." There were girls, rounded up 
 from the streets, in the last stages of syphilis, and only 12 
 and 15 years old. Upstairs in the hospital one woman lay 
 a mass of putrefaction, and a man was dying without 
 necessary care. 
 
 If the end of your existence is to eat four good meals a 
 day, I would not advise you to stay long in this town. Never- 
 theless, we found a cafe and ordered the best meal it could 
 put up for us to put down. The food was imported bottled 
 and canned goods from the U. S. We were so hungry and 
 busy there was little time to scan the legs of the black girl 
 waitress, or study the sad, sweet face of the Swiss landlady 
 whose husband had deserted her to make enough money 
 to stay in Cuba and run a gambling establishment. 
 
 I noticed a number of blacks having their photos taken 
 for passports to Cuba, where in the sugar-cane fields they 
 receive better wages and treatment. After hard sight-see- 
 ing we made final report at government headquarters and 
 listened to some victrola jazz, while one of the soldier at- 
 tendants sat in a chair giving a shimmy accompaniment 
 with his malaria fever and chills. Ye gods, it's a shame 
 to send any decent, healthy white man down here. The 
 
60 SEASODOMS 
 
 only difference between Haiti and hell is in the spelling. 
 The colonel went aboard with us to get some real food for 
 his family — the steamer's advent, with a little fresh meat, 
 being as welcome an event as the manna to the Israelites 
 in the wilderness. We said ''Adieu," and steward King 
 gave him the meat with a "God be with you till we meet 
 again." 
 
 JACMEL JOTTINGS 
 
 That evening we lay out in the harbor of Jacmel. Hast 
 thou ever been to Jacmel, or, as it is sometimes spelled, 
 Jacquemel? You may put more letters in the name, but it 
 won't make the town any larger. Encyclopaedias say boats 
 anchor half a mile off from this place — take the cue, that's 
 as near as the town is worth visiting. It is possible to live 
 and die happy without going ashore. Jacmel lies 30 miles 
 southwest of Port-au-Prince, and the 8,000 doomed to live 
 within its limits export coffee, cotton, cotton-seed and log- 
 wood. True, you can learn all this without setting foot on 
 land, but for fear some commercial traveler will think I 
 don't know what I'm writing about, I'll say I went ashore. 
 
 It is terrible to travel without imagination — the guide- 
 books load you up with everything else. By the light of the 
 horned moon, Jacmel and its encircling hills would make a 
 fine inferno setting, or stage for a voodoo orgy. 'Twas so 
 weird, thrilling and creepy that for one whole minute my 
 attention was diverted from the bar-room stories told on 
 deck of the ''Allianca." 
 
 Before the sun rose upon the matutinal dews we were 
 awakened by a lighter-fleet of vociferous vagabonds, who 
 paddled and pushed, jabbered and gesticulated, screeched 
 and scrambled, fought and frothed to get the first and best 
 position for loading. A movie of this would be worth a mil- 
 lion, if with it you included the three naked men ashore who 
 were giving a horse a bath, and pausing occasionally to say 
 **bon jour" to the jeune filles going to market. 
 
 People visiting Jacmel go there to leave it — by boat to 
 adjacent islands, or on mule-back over the mountains to the 
 capital. On landing, I mounted a steep, street and inquired 
 
SEASODOMS 61 
 
 about an ass to take me back to Port-au-Prince, for, like 
 Sterne, I could commune with an ass forever and share with 
 him my joys, sorrows and macaroons. Turning around to 
 take a farewell view of our ship, I saw double — two ships, 
 for the ''San Rafael," of the French Mail Line, had just 
 entered the harbor. With a whoop — in fact, with two or 
 three of them, I ran to the boat office to ask where that boat 
 was bound for. The agent, who had a face dark as Cordova 
 leather, and a pair of green spectacles like Moses in the 
 "Vicar of Wakefield," said it was making for Santo Do- 
 mingo, Porto Rico and French West Indies. I asked for a 
 ticket for Santo Domingo. He shrugged his shoulders and 
 answered it was impossible, for quarantine regulations were 
 such that no passenger from Haiti was permitted to land 
 on account of Haiti's smallpox. A ship violating these rules 
 could be detained three weeks in Santo Domingo — not so 
 much on account of the plague, 1 believe, as of the Domi- 
 nican's jealous hate of Haiti, and because the Domingo 
 Clyde Line was trying to boycott the Royal Dutch West In- 
 dies Line which makes these ports. The agent said he could 
 sell me a ticket to Porto Rico. I took it and then took in the 
 town, with its children going to school ; the church, with its 
 usual "imposing" position ; and the convicts, working in the 
 streets, the only industrious individuals save some lighter 
 men and women sorting coffee. 
 
 When we rowed out to the French ship we were stopped 
 at the gang by the steward, who Corbleu'd, Mon Dieu'd, 
 Sacre Bleu'd and Diabl'd, declaring it was impossible to 
 come aboard because we were from Haiti and might infect 
 the belle bateau. But I must go, I wanted to "aller," and the 
 company needed the money. When he found I had a ticket, 
 as well as the permission of the captain and purser, who had 
 been on shore buying provisions from this infested place, 
 another French revolution was averted, and he gave me a 
 carte blanche, helped me with my grand baggage, and with 
 visions of "beaucoup" tips an American always gives, I 
 scarcely restrained him from giving me a hug and "baiser" 
 on both cheeks. 
 
 The anchor was heaved, I heaved a sigh of relief, and 
 offered a prayer for the poor souls compelled to live in Haiti 
 
62 SEASODOMS 
 
 for life, where it requires a good constitution to stay a day 
 — but Haiti hasn't a good Constitution, and so gets 
 by. If Raphael Santi were living I would have him paint 
 a picture of this ship, named after him, and have a copy of it 
 in this book, that the reader might become so acquainted 
 with it that when he saw its sailings advertised he would 
 not take passage on it, if any other boat were available. Tis 
 small, lists, smells; the cabins have feather-beds and no 
 fans^ — most excellent accommodations for the tropics; and 
 dirty latrines, unavoidable soup for breakfast, impossible 
 French salads for dinner and supper (but plenty red and 
 white wine to revive your drooping spirits) make you mis- 
 erable as possible. The comparison between this and the 
 ''Allianca" was odorous, yet one should not be too critical 
 about any boat that bears him away from Haiti. 
 
 ST. DOMINIC DEVILS 
 
 Santo Domingo, along whose mountainous coast we 
 were cruising, is said by some historians to have been 
 named by Chris, after his father, or after Sunday, on which 
 day it was discovered, while others stoutly maintain it was 
 in honor of St. Dominic — and if judged by the events which 
 took place here, the isle is well named — that prince of the 
 Church who believed more in the sword of steel than of the 
 spirit, and led the cruel crusade known in history as the 
 Albigensian war, carried on for years by his friend, Simon 
 de Montfort. It was a war of extermination, in which lead- 
 ing ecclesiastics led in damnable atrocity, destroying towns, 
 murdering and torturing men, women and children. The 
 godly abbot Arnold, at the capture of Eeziers, July 22, 1209, 
 when asked how the heretics were to be distinguished from 
 the faithful, gave the hellish reply, "Slay all ; God Vvill know 
 his own." 
 
 It is interesting to know the character of -the man 
 whose name was given to this island, and some of the accom- 
 plishments of his order. Dominic was born in old Castile 
 in 1170, and there has never been soap enough to clean the 
 blood off his hands and soul. He had the reputation of being 
 an ascetic, eloquent, earnest, and of a "fiery zeal," which led 
 
SEASODOMS .63 
 
 him to make the Lucifer match his followers later touched 
 off, enkindling the fires of the Albigensian Inquisition. He 
 went to Rome and perfected the organization ol Domini- 
 cans, which, in 1216, received the *'God bless you" sanction 
 of the Pope, and which, in five years, under his own cunning 
 leadership*, was flourishing in most of the European coun- 
 tries. Do not forget that Saint Dominic has the hell honor 
 of being the founder of the inquisition at Languedoc, in 
 1229, which hastened the extermination of the Albigensian 
 sect. He is thus particeps criminis, since he did not remon- 
 strate against his friend Montfort's fiendish persecutions, 
 and so the glory of the later inquisition throws a burning 
 halo around his head. 
 
 Who were some of the leading apostles who thoroughly 
 cherished the humanitarian religion and philosophy of St. 
 Dominic, and once lived in old Santo Domingo? Cortez, the 
 cut-throat conqueror cf Mexico ; Pizarro, the pig-driver 
 plunderer of Peru ; Ovando, the butcher bigot of Santo Do- 
 mingo ; Velasquez, the human viscera-extracting soothsayer, 
 murderer and conqueror of Cuba; Columbus, the slave- 
 dealing, Indian-slaughtering saint and patron of the K. C.'s ; 
 Ponce de Leon, the death angel of the gentle aborigines in 
 Santo Domingo and Porto Rico; Baiboa, who knew less 
 about fa^:^ming than Horace Greeley, failed, jumped his cred- 
 itors and board-bill, boarded a ship, sailed to Darien, became 
 a high chief, from a peak got a peek at the Pacific, which 
 the Indians had seen centuries before, became dizzy with 
 success, and lost his head in 1517, through his commander, 
 Davilla, who accused him of a rebellious plot. And, let us 
 ' emember, too, the benign influence of the order St. Dominic 
 founded, fittingly called in England the ''black" friars, with 
 a vow cf poverty limited to the countries they beggared. 
 The prize pupil of the Dominican order was the Spanish 
 monk, Torquemada, born in Spain in 1420, who achieved 
 the distinction of being Inquisitor General in Spain in 1483, 
 and established Tribunals at Seville, Cordoba and Toledo. 
 He was a ''fryer," indeed. Good Pope Alexander VI be- 
 lieved that Torq. had played too strong, and appointed four 
 cdleagues to check his zeal, for he had burned 9,000 during 
 his tenure of office. 'Twas this sweet disciple of St. Dom- 
 
64 _ SEASODOMS 
 
 inic who pushed and persecuted the Jews and Moors out of 
 Spain. The object of his religious order appeared to be to 
 order nations off the face of the earth. Significantly, his- 
 tory says the Spanish Inquisition fulfilled its most ''perfect" 
 development in its Spanish American colonies. No doubt 
 of it! 
 
 SACRED AND PROFANE HISTORY 
 
 After this pleasant walk in the bypath of history, let us 
 return to the "San Rafael." The good thing about my bad 
 state-room was that it got me out early on deck to see things 
 going and coming. Outside the Ozama river harbor we 
 sighted a four-stack American warship, wrecked near the 
 shore, where it had been cast up by the sea several years 
 ago. Long before, not far from here, Boabdilla's boat and 
 fleet met a similar mishap and went to the bottom. The 
 hurricane plays no favorites, whether the ship stakes are 
 small or large. I suppose the old iron junk on this U. S. 
 hulk was worth more than all of Chris.' or Boabdilla's fleet. 
 The Spaniards had gold in their ships ; I had a little in this 
 one, for the government had taxed me along with millions 
 of others to build it. There was plenty of leisure to muse 
 over this delightful subject, for we blew our whistle an hour 
 before the scurvy doctor came aboard.. Still, this is quick 
 action for a Spaniard under American occupation. The 
 plaguey physician came, overlooked us, and our ship slid 
 as easily into the mouth of the Ozama as an oyster down a 
 Baltimore esophagus. After the anchor dropped asleep in 
 a bed of mud, the tug-of-war came with the port officials. 
 Despite the fact my passport was made out for Santo Do- 
 mingo, and that I had a vaccination certificate, I was not 
 permitted to step ashore, although they granted this privi- 
 lege to an English passenger. Why an Englishman? Was 
 it because Drake in 1585 for four weeks looted, sacked and 
 burned the city, and then ducked away with 25,000 ducats ? 
 Why this favoritism ? Why couldn't I land ? Had not our 
 marines burned, looted, killed, established a military despot- 
 ism and controlled the customs? A Dutch passenger, too, 
 from Curacao, was granted shore leave, but when the officer 
 
SEASODOMS 65 
 
 found I intended to go if he did, he revoked the permit and 
 pompously said, ''No, we don't want any more damned 
 Americans ashore." Yet one good thing came of this sad 
 disappointment. The dirty decks of the "San Rafael," 
 which had jiot been cleaned since Noah built it, were washed 
 by the torrential tears of half a dozen Syrian men and 
 women booked for this port and not allowed to land. To 
 make my madness and their misery worse, we v/ere told 
 we could proceed to Porto Rico and then return. Not if I 
 could help it. 
 
 Such was my fate. There was a far different fete for 
 those on shore. Ships, docks, streets and custom house were 
 all bedecked with flags and bunting, and the ruins, not to be 
 outdone, had covered themselves with the glory of vines. 
 Many idlers crammed the waterfront, watching the rowing 
 and motor-boat races, while aspirants to fame and prizes 
 walked out on a greased pole extending from the bank over 
 the river. What idiotic amusements, proving the islanders 
 to be wholly degenerate. What a come down from the an- 
 cient holidays here, when there were hangings, quarterings, 
 butcherings and other like pastimes of Spanish Christianity 
 and civilization. The solicitous steward came to console 
 me, saying, ''Voila!" and pointed his gnarled finger to the 
 shore at an equally gnarled ceiba tree known as the "Colum- 
 bus tree." Careful chroniclers are in honest doubt whether 
 Chris, leaned against this ceiba, or kneeled in prayer, or 
 took a nap, or hitched his boat to it, or did some other 
 things under it. 'Tis time the great society of Knights, 
 bearing the name of this man who did deeds without a name, 
 should make a national appeal and collect more money to 
 send some savant to settle this all-important event in the 
 annals of the universe. There is another tree of which there 
 is no doubt — one where Chris, hung his enemies. Tradition 
 maintains Colum^bus was jailed in the Homenaje Castle, 
 which we passed coming in the river. The only objection to' 
 this theory is that it was built three years after his death. 
 Though it was a holiday, prisoners were working around 
 the walls. When here in 1909, I hiked to a pile of stones 
 and bricks, near the bay at the river's mouth, where ze 
 great Christopher Colombo is said to have been loaded with 
 the favors he so often showed others — chains and irons. I 
 
66 SEASODOMS 
 
 sadly paused and pondered, ''could it be," and recalled how 
 some historians lamented his imprisoned fate. The fact is, 
 Chris, should have been incarcerated for life. Had he been 
 jailed here from then until now he would not have expiated 
 his crimes. 
 
 At his tomb I was even more uncertain and sad than 
 at the jail, lest I might not be weeping at the right place. 
 As a dog goes for a bone, I have followed Chris.' sacred 
 bones in Seville, Havana, and here in the old fortress cathe- 
 dral of 1514, which in spite of quakes, fires and attacks of 
 pirates, stands like the hills. The church is plain outside, 
 almost to ugliness, but within has many attractive objects 
 in addition to the navigator's remains that are piled up with 
 sacred relics from 2 to 400 years old. I gave my guide an 
 extra tip to show me the holiest of holy things, that is, to 
 the natives, and he directed me to a silver casket where, set 
 in gold, is a piece of the La Vega cross. On one of its arms 
 a Virgin descended and rested when Christian Chris, was 
 walloping the heathen Indians in the year of our-Lord 1495. 
 Hark ye, reader, now, as I was compelled to, to this holy, 
 historical bunkum. Santo Cerro, know ye, is a holy hill on 
 this isle at La Vega, 600 feet above a beautiful river, savan- 
 nas and pine-clad hills. But the loveliest thing here to the 
 sight of Columbus was his armored men disemboweling the 
 defenseless Indians, and his ferocious bloodhounds dismem- 
 bering the helpless heathen. To commemorate this glorious 
 victory and be lovingly remembered when gone, he erected 
 a cross on the spot. The Indians tried to defile and destroy 
 it but were deterred when they saw the Virgin swoop down 
 from heaven, and weary with her journey, sit on one beam 
 of the cross and rest. Stones and arrows shot at her pierced 
 her body with no fatal effect, and, like boomeranpfs, re- 
 turned to smite and plague the assailants. Mirabile dictu ! 
 A miracle. They fell on their faces, and other exposed parts 
 of their anatomy, praying and praising the great Spirit for 
 this miraculous manifestation. The Virgin, unused to such 
 rough treatment, drew up her skirts in a huff and left — the 
 cross remained. Spanish souvenir-hunters took all but one 
 piece, which was brought to the old cathedral in Santo Do- 
 mingo, where it was manipulated by the priests to produce 
 miracles and raise money from the sale of indulgences. 
 
SEASODOMS 67 
 
 Once a year, in this enlightened Twentieth Century, Domi- 
 nicans flock here from all parts of the republic on pilgrim- 
 age, climbing on knees from bottom to top of this holy hill 
 to the church of Santo Cerro, built by their contributions. 
 It is a Mecca for the ragged and maimed, like Lourdes and 
 Guadeloupe, and for all who put their faith in supernatural 
 cures. When we remember Chris.' pleasure at this massa- 
 cre of the innocent Indians, we read with loving approval 
 in his final will and testament that Diego, his legitimate 
 son — not the bastard Fernando — when suitable time comes, 
 should build on this island a church called Santa Maria de 
 la Concepcion, to which was to be annexed a hospital like 
 that of Italy and Castile, and **a chapel to say mass in for 
 the good of my soul, and those of my ancestors and suc- 
 cessors with great devotion, since no doubt it will please 
 the Lord to give us a sufficient revenue for this and the 
 afore-mentioned purposes." 
 
 In the Santo Domingo Cathedral there is a *'Door of 
 Pardon," through which any escaped criminal may claim 
 security and pardon — a good place for the soul of Columbus 
 to haunt when pursued by the Eumenides, for if there ever 
 was a soul that needed mercy in the escape from justice, it 
 was his. The great nave of the church was pointed out, but 
 the biggest knave lies in the Italian marble tomb, in the 
 ornamental urn, guarded by the two couchant lions. The 
 chapels are 12 in number, one dozen too many. In chapel 
 exhibit Nos. 2 and 5 are Velasquez's 12 apostles, and Muril- 
 lo's Virgin above the altar. It is a serious question whether 
 these artists, whose authentic works I revelled in in Spain, 
 would recognize some works that bear their name. There 
 may be dubious art criticism here about the paintings, but 
 there is no doubt of the ''well done" in heaven of Mary and 
 the apostles. During the occupation of the French, the 
 church was despoiled of its gold and silver. One good thing 
 in this Cathedral is stuck in the roof — a cannon-ball, sup- 
 posed to have been fired by one of Drake's fleet in 1586. He 
 had the right idea in a place filled with lying litanies, re- 
 pulsive Christ-effigies, and a shrine for the glorification of 
 the Genoese pirate, Christopher Columbus. Pilgramegs 
 should be made here annually by humbug bishops, vagabond 
 villains, and gory generalissimos of the world, 
 
68 SEASODOMS 
 
 Ovando was another bird of paradise in this island, 
 where he governed in a way that outdamned the evil of Mac- 
 beth. He has left a memorial monument, but it is carved in 
 cruelties, painted in blood and built with skulls and bones. 
 This I>evil Don feared hell as he grew older, and threw a 
 sop to justice Cerberus by building the church of San Nich- 
 olas. The building has gone down in ruins, as he probably 
 has, only the fine groined roof remaining. 
 
 San Francisco is another of the dozen or so tumble- 
 down church ruins that clutter the city, looming big on the 
 hill back of Diego's house. This green and ivy-mantled pile 
 was the first Franciscan monastery in the New World. 
 Ojeda, one of Chris.' gang, was buried at the entrance of it: 
 **In humility that all who entered might place their feet 
 above his head" (how many wanted to put them on his neck 
 in life?). Beneath the altar lies Don Bartholomew Colum- 
 bus, who founded the city. Part of this old 'Frisco church 
 is now used as the insane asylum, and the swinging vines 
 and waving palm trees above the picturesque ruins move 
 assent and applaud the fact that this great heap of stone 
 has at least come to some good end. Other interesting build- 
 ings are the Government Palace, Jesuit College, Arsenal, 
 Barracks and Hospital. 
 
 The sun was hot and so were we at being excluded from 
 shore, though I readily recalled some hot times there, when 
 I saw crumbling ruins, filthy houses and huts, gaudy taverns 
 with godless people, l3lack wenches, rambling streets and 
 gambling joints, booze parlors, bars, brothels, towers, ter- 
 races and turrets, stucco buildings white and yellow, rough 
 sidewalks, donkeys in narrow streets, stinking alleys, uncol- 
 lected garbage. There were some whites, more mulattoes, 
 and mostly blacks; lazy louts parading in wide sombreros 
 and silk sash belts, etc., and ladies picturesque but not 
 pretty. All this and more was included within the solid 
 eight-foot thick wall of defense running around from the 
 south cliff to the north — a wall stained yellow by Time, like 
 an old Kentucky cuspidor by tobacco. Its classic stones are 
 fallen in places and used as props for rickety hovels, shacks 
 and dump-bins. Above you rise domes, gables, cupolas, tow- 
 ers and bells; near you, palms, bananas, flaming flowers, 
 green bushes and creepers. The city behind the old wall is 
 
SEASODOMS 69 
 
 a decrepit, wrinkled duenna. The glory is departed — lords, 
 ladies, conquistadores, rich and proud, are gone. One day 
 I drove out into the country with the three weird brothers, 
 Hecht, Birch and Gottschalk, successful business men, like 
 Gradgrind, .demanding facts. We learned Santo Domingo 
 was about twice the size of Haiti, with surface very moun- 
 tainous; that it was covered with forests of valuable wood 
 such as cedar, log-wood, mahogany and satin ; that the plains 
 and valleys were watered and fertile ; that the products were 
 sugar, coffee, cocoa, rice, bananas and tobacco ; that the pop- 
 ulation was about 500,000, a mixed race from the Spanish 
 and aborigines ; that the Spanish language was spoken ; that 
 the roads are poor in the interior ; that there are about 150 
 miles of railway; that education v/as free and compulsory, 
 with 300 schools and 10,000 scholars; that Roman Catholi- 
 cism was the dominant religion v/ith but ''limited toleration" 
 of others. 
 
 Ignorance, Indolence, Intolerance, Vanity and Vice 
 have been Santo Domingo's real rulers from the time the 
 Spaniards colonized it until 1844, when independence of the 
 east section was gained and the Dominican republic formed. 
 President Baez, in 1869, with our General U. S, Grant, 
 signed a treaty for the annexation of Santo Domingo to the 
 U. S. The Dominicans were glad to ratify the treaty, but 
 our senate was not, its refusal being followed by a revolu- 
 tion, the old and most popular pastime next to cockfighting. 
 In 1886, General Heureaux was voted president, and was 
 succeeded by President Jiminez in 1889. Then came Gen- 
 eral Vasquez, who defeated him in 1902. This was followed 
 by civil war in 1906. The devil was to pay and the Lord's 
 treasury to be robbed. Finally our senate, in 1907, ratified 
 a treaty, as did the Dominicans, which reads, "To assist the 
 U. S. in the collection and application of the customs' reve- 
 nues of the Dominican republic." This spilled the beans, in 
 the words of John Milton. Things went from bad to worse 
 until Dr. Henriquez Cavajal was chosen Provisional Presi- 
 dent of the Dominican Republic by the Congress of that 
 country, after the resignation of President Jiminez. Don 
 Henriquez was chosen for six months, and at the expiration 
 of that time an election was to be held. The U. S. had 
 landed marines before Don took office, and was, in fact, in 
 
70 SEASODOMS 
 
 control of the Republic at the time he was chosen Provi- 
 sional President. Our government at once began negotia- 
 tions with Don under which it was proposed to turn the 
 government over to him. These negotiations ran along 
 through the summer of 1916, but no agreement was reached, 
 Henriquez not seeing his way clear to adopt the proposals 
 of the United States government. These negotiations 
 dawdled along until the 29th of November, 1916, when the 
 military occupation was declared, with Captain (afterwards 
 Rear Admiral) Knapp as military governor. In April of 
 the following spring, the U. S. joined the Allies in the Euro- 
 pean war. The military occupation has been continued up 
 to the present time. 
 
 The friends of the Provisional President are demand- 
 ing of the Washington government the withdrawal of the 
 military occupation, and the restoration of Dr. Carvajal 
 as President. In other words, that the Dominican govern- 
 ment be restored in all its parts to the position it occupied 
 on the date of the proclamation of the occupation. This 
 would be an acknowledgment by our government that its 
 proclamation was not a justification for the occupation; in 
 other words, that the entire proceeding by the United States 
 government was without authority under international law. 
 
 In accordance with section 8 of the Constitution of the 
 United States, Congress is the only power authorized to 
 declare war. In accordance with all principles of interna- 
 tional law the physical occupation and military intervention 
 of one nation in territory of another nation is an express 
 act of war, no matter what the causes determining such 
 occupation. 
 
 Therefore, legally and actually, the taking possession 
 of the Dominican Republic by the United States forces con- 
 stituted an act of war. 
 
 Notwithstanding this, in accordance with the Consti- 
 tution, Congress is the only power authorized to declare 
 war, and there is no legislative resolution of the United 
 States Congress authorizing the President to perform an 
 act of war against the Dominican Republic. 
 
 Even supposing that President Wilson possessed au- 
 thority to declare war as he did against Santo Domingo, the 
 matter would be subject to analysis from the point of view- 
 
PORTO RICAN MOTHER AND CHILD 
 
I \ 
 
 CURACAO REVELLERS 
 
SEASODOMS 73 
 
 of the Monroe Doctrine. The Dominican Republic had ex- 
 ternal debts to liquidate and she was liquidating them in 
 due form. But even in case conditions in the republic had 
 justified a moratorium, or if for any reasons she had not 
 fulfilled her obligations, it is certain that in the German- 
 American conflict of 1902, not the president of a republic, 
 but the United States itself, propounded as a political theory 
 the principle, which establishes : 
 
 'Tublic debt cannot give rise to armed inter- 
 vention and much less to material and military 
 occupation of the soil of the American nations.'*' 
 The United States is not guilty as a nation of this 
 aggression, and Mr. Woodrow Wilson is the only responsi- 
 ble party. The matter should be carried to the courts, inas- 
 much as the Constitution does not authorize a president to 
 declare war. Wilson not only did that, but curtailed the 
 sovereignty of Santo Domingo, acted illegally in so doing, 
 and is therefore subject to the jurisdiction of the courts. 
 
 To quote Shakespeare, ''Now, in the name of all the 
 gods at once, upon what meat doth this, our Caesar (Wil- 
 son) feed, that he has grown so great?'' I talked with a 
 soldier who returned from war on the ship that had borne 
 our former President to France. One day during the voy- 
 age, while the tired soldier boy was taking the long-denied 
 luxury of a bath, he was rudely interrupted in his ablutions 
 by a terrified steward, who exclaimed, "Get out of there — 
 don't you know that was the bathtub used by President 
 Wilson, and nobody has been in there since?" It is needless 
 to state where my soldier friend told this hero-worshipper 
 to go — that place which makes the temperature of a Turkish 
 bath the North pole in comparison. The American steward 
 was shocked, but remonstrated in vain. Holy smoke ! what 
 lickspittk cravens some free-born Americans are ! And to 
 think of venerating as sacred relics the bathtub parapher- 
 nalia of a man who for president was as unfit as Admiral 
 Knowles was for admiralship, whom Smollett satirized as 
 being, "An admiral without conduct, an engineer without 
 knowledge, an ofCicer without resolution, and a m.an with- 
 out veracity " 
 
 Dominic ans do not like the cocky, impudent, carpetbag, 
 adventurous, military rule we have established here, though 
 
74 SEASODOMS 
 
 they are pleased with the lottery sanctioned by U. S. mili- 
 tary chiefs. 
 
 When word came from Washington that American 
 troops were to be withdrawn from Santo Domingo, there 
 was such joy and jollification among the natives, that if we 
 had gone back they would have gladly taken us ashore and 
 "set 'em up" for anything we wanted. 
 
 The ''San Rafael" was impatient to go — night's span- 
 gled curtain dropped down over Santo Domingo's sanguin- 
 ary stage with its melodrama of strutting Conquistadores 
 and angel-making marines — the inhospitable structures 
 with their expressionless facades were lit up now and then 
 by a forlorn rocket — and we steamed away from this place 
 which smells to heaven of death and desolation. Many are 
 the legends of vanishing islands, and doubtless the Domini- 
 cans wish their isle had been in this class, or had gone down 
 with Atlantis. Adios, Santo Domingo! — happy are the 
 people who have no history. 
 
 Mona passage, lying between Santo Domingo and Porto 
 Rico, and usually very rough, was gentle with us — the only 
 rough thing we sighted being an island whose rocky walls 
 are a pen for goats and hogs. 'Twould make an ideal peni- 
 tentiary for stony-hearted men whose repentance wavers 
 between good and evil like this isle's balancing rock called 
 "Caigo-o-no-caigo" (''Shall I fail or no?"). Mona means 
 monkey, but the only ones we saw were our French sailors 
 climbing up and down the ropes, chattering and singing 
 songs. 
 
 MAYAGUEZ MISFORTUNES 
 
 Buenos dias, Porto Rico. Mayaguez harbor is sleepy, 
 safe and sultry; the town is quaint, queer and quiet; the 
 port is important for imports and exports of sugar, coffee, 
 oranges, pineapples and cocoanuts. The Porto Rico Rail- 
 way enters the town, so did we. This is one of the foremost 
 cities of the island and named after Our Lady Canolemas 
 of Mayaguez. The population is 50,000 more or less — less 
 when there is an earthquake. The principal buildings are 
 the City Hall, San Antonio hospital. Courthouse, Market, 
 
SEASODOMS f^ 
 
 and U. S. Experiment Station where the attempt is being 
 made to teach ignorant planters and officials how to get out 
 of their agricultural trouble and turn their rich districts 
 into money. 
 
 We had a narrow escape and just missed the earth- 
 quake here^ — by two years — when Mother Earth, dissatisfied 
 with a small ''shake," shimmied, shivered and shook, bring- 
 ing down the house to the great delight of Terror, Havoc 
 and Panic who applauded. These three Graces had been 
 here before with Ponce de Leon, the buccaneers and our ~ 
 Americans, as history-readers know. 
 
 Mayaguez has an asylum for the poor, and after one is 
 rowed to shore and his baggage carted to the Custom House, 
 he should plan to go there and spend the night — about all 
 he has left to spend. Hotel Palmer was our choice. It is 
 considerably different from the famous Chicago hostelry, 
 and so situated that you can easily grab the street-car that 
 goes down hill by gravity and up hill by storage. It runs 
 on a track, not on any schedule, save of its own sweet will. 
 
 Like a man knocked senseless, who slowly comes to and 
 picks himself up, Mayaguez is beginning to recover from 
 the quake. The ruins are fine — ^all they are cracked up to 
 be. The Cathedral and some private and public buildings 
 have been repaired and are rising to the Amphion tune of 
 American dollars, but the old. Custom House by the water- 
 front is terribly tumbled down — a poor ad for the city, may- 
 hap, yet a good way to excite sympathy from those who land. 
 Is the town like a ragged beggar trying to get money? In 
 a near radius of the Custom House are many homes filled 
 with nakedness, rubbish and wretchedness. A bunch of 
 big, black loafers, who won't work and to beg are not 
 ashamed, are fit figures in this picture of desolation. At 
 night you stumble over their sleeping bodies on sidewalk 
 and step, and put to flight their rodent friends. Buildings 
 are propped not only by joists but by these vagabonds who 
 lean up against them. 
 
 Mayaguez streets all lead to the crack of Doom, for 
 intersections are few and far between, and when you reach 
 a corner in a state of exhaustion, you are glad to meet the 
 orange-seller who peels a large "deluscious" one for a cent. 
 Here you stand and eat, and suck, and smack to your heart's 
 
^6 S E A S O t) d M S 
 
 and stomach's content, often becoming extravagant and 
 spending a nickel at a time. Orange seeds give the streets 
 a seedy appearance. Next to this occupation of standing 
 on the corner eating oranges, is the native pastime of walk- 
 ing in the Columbus plaza Sunday in front of the Cathedral. 
 One would think their main ambition in life was to wear 
 out the stones there as well as their shoes. The band did 
 not play this Sunday evening because the drummer and 
 others had gone on a strike. So the boys and girls furnished 
 their own chin music, the lads in their straw-hat best and 
 the ladies powdered like so many doughnuts in a pan. The 
 best-looking, behaved, and most artistic people in the plaza 
 are the many metal statues posed around the enclosing 
 square, looking on with silent indifference. Yes, there is the 
 ubiquitous statue of the iniquitous Chris., who appears to 
 be more in evidence in these islands than the Creator, and 
 is more remembered. 
 
 The church founded on the ''rock" had been rocked by 
 a quake and was in a state of repair. When I entered, the 
 ''father" left the sheep for us goats who butted in, showed 
 us the ruins and pointed to some large boxes, just received, 
 containing a new altar. The church welcomes the "pres- 
 ents" of strangers. 
 
 One afternoon I was nearly thrown out of my hotel 
 chair by an explosion, which so frightened a horse that it 
 started into a drugstore opposite for a soothing prescrip- 
 tion. It was not a thunderbolt. Wall St. bomb, or herald of 
 a revolution, simply an enterprising movie manager's way 
 of advertising his new reel. This was on the main street, 
 and since two-thirds of the town is illiterate, it is a good 
 way to announce the programs. A similar fashion of press 
 advertising I had seen in Muna, Yucatan, where rockets 
 are sent off to inform the Indians a new picture has come 
 to town and will appear that night. 
 
 Mayaguez is not moribund. One night my dreamy ear 
 was alarmed by the incessant ringing of a bell and the firing 
 of pistols. Catastrophes are fashionable here, whether they 
 be tidal waves, earthquakes or fire. The streets soon 
 filled with hurrying crowds, carts and autos, all lit up by 
 the glare of a burning store on the plaza. The fi.re was a 
 success, not only from a comedy and spectacular view-point, 
 
SEASODOMS 11 
 
 but because the building and contents were wholly de- 
 stroyed. The fire department wore fiery costumes that cried 
 **fire !" and the men marched and countermarched up, down 
 and around ; when the engine broke down they took to the 
 hand-pumps; then the hose burst and threw water like a 
 sprinkling cart. If this douche spray had only been sus- 
 pended over the building the fire would have gone out. And 
 through it all one fireman stood erect like the Pompeiian 
 soldier. He had a hose in his hand directed towards the 
 flames — but there was not water enough in it to sprinkle a 
 baby. When the fire went out of its own accord, I went too. 
 
 Mayaguez is the third city of size in the island and 
 takes third place in sanitation and education, reflecting 
 small credit on America's 23 years' occupation that prides 
 itself on these two things. Filthy streets lead to a dirty 
 market. If the natives like rats, as the aboriginals did, they 
 can find plenty here. 
 
 In encompassing the city with my legs as a pair of 
 compasses, I met a brother Mason on the square. He wore 
 no badge, I did. He saw it, started ; I smiled and gave him 
 the glad hand, and he led me at once to his lodge tucked up a 
 pair of stairs in a tiny hall, an illustration of Richter's ''In- 
 visible Lodge." It was a Blue Lodge done in red. As usual, 
 the "best" men of the city were members and worthy and 
 well qualified to make good citizens. 
 
 Mayaguez schools are a paradise for small boys who 
 like to play hookey. I spoke with a little fellow who was in 
 the quake two years ago, and who had been attending school 
 ever since — when there was no ''flu" or tremor to prevent. 
 There is this satisfaction, that when a teacher is about to 
 chastise a pupil the ceiling may fall on her head and break 
 the ruler in her hand, or when the lazy scholar is about to 
 fall down in his arithmetic examination at the blackboard, 
 it may cave in and be reduced to vulgar fractions. 
 
 PONCE PENCILINGS 
 
 We left Mayaguez in a hurry — not the town, but our- 
 selves, though we slowed down some just before meeting 
 a funeral procession, the only life seen on the road till we 
 
n SEASODOMS 
 
 struck San German, a quaint old burg of the vintage of 1512, 
 founded by Diego, the son of Chris. It has been moved 
 around like a chessman by the shrewd play of events — 
 Indians and pirates. This "city of hills" lies in hills which 
 amuse themselves by directing the trade winds, thus mak- 
 ing San German second only on earth to Los Angeles. As 
 our car sped along we saw sugar-cane in the lowlands and 
 coffee and fruit on the hillside. Up, down, and around we 
 go over this isle of ''Borinquen," which means ''fatherland 
 of powerful men," though we found no such strong descend- 
 ants, for the fire of the sun and cigaret has shrunk the 
 modern Porto Rican. Many towns are full of dust, interest 
 and degenerate-looking natives who were eyeing the chick- 
 ens passing by, or admiring the roosters they intended to 
 fight on the sly, since cock-fighting is tabu. Yauco leans 
 for support on its sugar-cane and is devoted to coffee and 
 church. Guanica, famed for sugar, tobacco, fruit, fibres 
 and cabinet wood, is eight miles from Yauco, but was nine 
 when General Miles brought his U. S. troops here, July 25th, 
 1898, and invaded Porto Rico. 
 
 Ponce de Leon failed to discover a "fountain of youth," 
 yet I discovered a town in Porto Rico named after him, 
 where my reading friends, who have lost their youth 
 through various ways, may find rest on their way to the 
 grave. Ponce possesses an insane asylum, woman's hos- 
 pital, St. Luke's hospital, general hospital and a blind 
 asylum. It is physically flat, but not to the taste of the 
 traveler. Though its buildings are low you can have a high 
 old time in this Spanish-looking and speaking town. As 
 usual the shaded plaza is the center of attraction, particu- 
 larly at night, where there are just two things to do — look 
 at the girls, and listen to the band in the kiosk which out- 
 toots the organ chant in the adjacent Cathedral. I jazzed 
 into church and sat down, but being warm, and a little rusty 
 in my Latin, came out to cool off, and sat down on one of the 
 plaza's mosaic benches that advertised "frescos helados." 
 
 One receives an insight into Ponce "annas" and Marys 
 by taking a car-ride through the streets and viewing what 
 is going on and off inside the houses. The Playa is a busy 
 place with bull-carts and drays on their way to the water- 
 front. I took a muelle car — not a mule but trolley — ^to the 
 
SEASODOMS 79 
 
 large new wharf. Ponce is spelled with a capital P, for as 
 the second city in the island it promotes industry, commerce, 
 shipping, and most of Porto Rico's coffee, sugar, rum and 
 tobacco. The muelle pier is a sort of seaside resort to which 
 the people had not yet resorted, because it was full of empty 
 dining ro6ms and disconsolate waiters. One need not die of 
 ennui at Ponce, for a few days at least, since he may bet on 
 the horse-race at the hippodrome, attend the big La Perla 
 Theatre, or cinemas, lounge at the clubs or Casino, and play 
 baseball at the park, though he may not drink the good old 
 stuff for prohibition prevails. 
 
 The population of the city is about 30,000, of the dis- 
 trict 63,000. Early Spaniards depopulated the island ; today 
 many sailors and tourists come here and repopulate it. 
 Ponce is the parterre of Porto Rico, the clipped trees on the 
 streets suggesting Barcelona. The climate produces kids 
 and orchids. Orchids hang from the boughs and often the 
 'phone and telegraph wires are decorated like a Norway 
 Christmas tree. The natives are wild on plants and flowers 
 as seen in their patios, balconies and gardens — scenically, 
 all very beautiful — but remember that the stinking tobacco 
 weed is their favorite plant. I visited one and saw the rolled 
 up cigars and cigarets for which such a roll of money is 
 spent to go up in rolling clouds of smoke. The local fac- 
 tories turn out hats, laces, rum, soda-water and drawn work. 
 
 Were I a big boy here it would be impossible for me to 
 play truant, the teachers are so alluring and enticing. Sun- 
 day I watched them promenading on the Plaza Delicias, and 
 Monday teaching in the school. Ponce is strong on educa- 
 tion. If the graduates are as strong, symmetrical and 
 attractive as the building I visited, they will become firm 
 pillars and supports in the city. There are som.e 37 rural 
 schools in the near district, 8 graded ones in the Playa sub- 
 urb, a large high school in town, 61 graded schools in the 
 district, and many kindergartens. Yet with all this the 
 adult portion of the island shows over 50 per cent illiteracy. 
 There are too many children in the streets, too few in the 
 schools. The island lacks building facilities and teachers. 
 Many of the school-houses are small, there is lack of hygienic 
 surrounding, salaries are low and teachers poor. During 
 the school year of 1918 and 1919 there were in Porto Rico 
 
80 SEA SODOMS 
 
 441,465 children of legal school age, i.e., between five and 
 eighteen years, and 222,783 children of compulsory school 
 age, i.e., between 8 and 14 years ; of the aforesaid number 
 only 160,794 were enrolled; at the end of the third school 
 month of the current school year only 175,326 were enrolled ; 
 more children could not be admitted for lack of teachers and 
 facilities. 5-200 additional school rooms are necessary. 
 Ponce is unlike other Porto Rican cities and we were con- 
 stantly reminded of a Central and South American town. 
 It has ice and milk factories, 'phones, electric lights, the 
 terminus of the American Porto Rico Railway, and good 
 water — yet with the exception of the last, their ancestors 
 got on very well without these things. 
 
 A MILITARY COURSE 
 
 Between Ponce and San Juan winds a military road 
 built by the Spanish a hundred years ago. I doubt whether 
 there are better ones in Mars itself. Bidding farev/ell to 
 Ponce v/ith its flowers and spreading shade-trees, we are 
 borne along by hills and meadows "dotted" with horses and 
 cattle, and ascend 500 feet. If you are sick and need a drink 
 there are medicinal springs at Coama. On we whiz by tree- 
 ferns, palms and bamboo; twist and turn with views of 
 mountain, hill and valley; climb by huts, till we reach the 
 summit of the range, 3,000 feet, with a glimpse of the Carib- 
 bean shining like a mirror beneath. Dropping a thousand 
 feet, Abonita appears, begirt with mountains like Jerusa- 
 lem. Now the chauffeur corkscrews his way to Cayey, with 
 its barracks, 1,300 feet above the sea. The Spaniards were 
 good road-builders, for within 15 miles you can rise and fall 
 2.000 feet without breaking your neck — at least I did. 
 Change of altitude affects the lungs, but my pantings were 
 "Oh" and "Ah" (exclamations of joy, as we went swinging 
 around curves, crossed old bridges, discovered rivers, or 
 stared at the wealth of poincianas. Caguas is the next stop. 
 It has a population of 30,000, the finest island school, and 
 everything and everybody is saturated with tobacco. There 
 were many other towns we glimpsed en route, the names 
 and importance of which are immaterial to the reader. 
 
SEASODOMS 81 
 
 Were I to give them I would probably misspell and the 
 reader mispronounce them. In fact, little in this world mat- 
 ters much, and some cynical philosopher has said nothing 
 is important, not even the eminent nobodies who think they 
 are. But stay — though it is possible to do without knowl- 
 edge, religion, politics, government and people, how can we 
 do without our smokes and tobacco ? 
 
 Behold a Pisgah panorama — splendid, sublime, stu- 
 pendous, etc. — of tobacco plantations all covered with cheese 
 cloth to protect the young plants, making the landscape look 
 like springtime in Norway when the snow is half -melted off 
 the mountains — like clouds that have tumbled out of the sky 
 into the valley — like mammoth circus tents — like the laun- 
 dry of the Gods spread out to dry—like court-plaster on the 
 face of the mountains — like feathers from moulting angels. 
 When Porto Rico was discovered by the Spaniards the na- 
 tives were found to be lovers of the weed and liked it for the 
 smoke, smell, taste and narcotic effect, but they had no 
 genius and lived a useless life. Today there is more busi- 
 ness and less pleasure, and the tobacco leaf has been turned 
 into gold leaf, men, women and children spending their 
 whole lives in planting, cutting, dyeing, curing, sorting, 
 bundling, tying and baling this weed. The Caguas ware- 
 houses and packing plants are large enough for government 
 offices at Washington. You see how necessary it is for the 
 U. S. to educate the Porto Ricans so they can give us good 
 smokes. 
 
 Our auto spins across the span of an old Spanish bridge, 
 brushes by feathery bamboo and peaceful palm, while we 
 gaze at foothills that roughride the horizon with spurs to 
 the Luquilia range. The road is a reel movie — schoolboys 
 on cycles — business men and tourists in autos — big trucks 
 filled with soldiers — natives astride horses and donkeys — 
 bullock-carts trundling along — all on the go and busy as 
 those who cross London Bridge. People white, brown and 
 yellow, old and young, rich and poor, city-bred or country- 
 fed, pass and repass you. Convicts, working on the road, 
 have learned the "way" of the transgressor is hard; U. S. 
 boys, nervy, natty, naughty and nice, dash by ; fat old black 
 Dinahs, in flaming colors, carry bundles and baskets on 
 their head ; and Porto Ricans, long, lank and brown, tramp 
 
82 SEASODOMS 
 
 with bare feet along the hard road, with their head high up 
 because of some real or supposed drop of Spanish blood 
 tingling in their veins. Should you be hungry, you will meet 
 many itinerant peddlers who will be glad to sell you bread, 
 milk, eggs, fruit, or fancy cake, candy and ice-cream. Seven 
 miles from San Juan is Rio Piedras with its normal school, 
 Porto Rico University and reservoired waters for San Juan. 
 Next comes Borinquen Park, with its sandy beach and cocoa 
 grove, San Turce, tropical Condado, where American and 
 Porto Rican officials live in style, then Puerta de Tierna, the 
 slum district, where the wireless seems to stretch out its 
 hands for help, and we boldly approach the Plaza of Lions 
 with court and fountain, and enter the busy capital of the 
 island. 
 
 San Juan de Bautista, the old Baptist, vv^elcomed me, 
 as he had on the occasion of a former visit. That night I 
 slept in his Palace Hotel, despite the mosquitoes, with its 
 Pisa-like light-shaft through which falls the glorious noon 
 sunshine, and up which one gazes at night, as through a 
 telescope, at stars and moon. I had no friends to look up 
 in town, so I looked up its history instead. Will it not be 
 glorious some day to go to a place where there is no history 
 for me to write or you to read ? 
 
 A CRACK-BRAINED BUTCHER 
 
 Casa Blanca, or white house, was the residence of Ponce 
 de Leon. He wasn't in ; I was a trifle late — five centuries. 
 Some aver he never was in it, for it was built several years 
 after his death and occupied by a prosy Mr. John Proche 
 who took Ponce's name, and like the tail with the hide, all 
 that went with it. Yet tenderfeet must be accommodated 
 with show places. Whether he lived here or not, it is worth 
 seeing by sunset or moonrise — if you can get by the guards 
 there to prevent you. At noon 'tis so hot you imagine the 
 old reprobate souls of the Dons have come up to wander 
 about, and left the Hades door open. I stood upon this an- 
 cient Spanish pile of architecture, 30 feet above the city 
 wall, and viewed the sky, sea, terrace, garden and walls, 
 which I had glimpsed before, and may again, for the omni- 
 
SEASODOMS 83 
 
 present movie man was there with his machine trying to 
 take the town — something the Dutch did in 1678, and the 
 English did not in 1595 and 1797. 
 
 Ponce de Leon was born in 1460 and acted "like sixty" 
 all his life. He was a court page and the book of his life 
 would make "better" reading if some of its pages were cut 
 out. Weary of Spain and Europe, and of killing the Moors, 
 he booked on a specially conducted tour under Chris, in 
 1493. This Ponce de "Lay on" soldier of fortune was one 
 of misfortune to others wherever he went. In Haiti he was 
 the right hand of Ovando, murdering Indians right and left. 
 Thence he caravalled to Porto Rico, where he was so hospi- 
 tably entertained that the only suitable return he could make 
 was to go back to Haiti and return with permission to con- 
 quer and kill them. Those who didn't die were put in 
 mines to work where they soon did. His love labor was lost, 
 though, and in two years he was out of a job. Jealous of 
 Columbus he was anxious to find a new world for himself, 
 for he was growing old, and when he was just about despair- 
 ing he read an ad in the morning paper that there was a 
 fountain of perpetual youth. He packed up his trunk and 
 started off for it. True, skeptical historians have stripped 
 this story of its fanciful garments, saying the naked truth 
 was that Ponce was looking for a syphilis-cure — whether 
 for himself or pro bono publico has not been determined. 
 He embarked with three ships, evidently hoping to bring 
 the water back for bottling purposes at so much per. Acci- 
 dentally and incidentally he "discovered" Florida — which 
 Vespucci had found some years before — ^that happy hunting 
 ground of Indians, alligators and real estate speculators. 
 Sad, deluded man, he kept cruising about the Caribbean 
 looking for drinking-water, yet he was no more foolish than 
 those who sail around the Bahamas today in search of booze, 
 the elixir of death, not life. He grew older in his search for 
 youth. On one key he found not youth, but an old woman, 
 who jabbered in all keys that she knew where the hootch 
 fountain flowed. Like a true daughter of Eve, she gaily de- 
 ceived this son of Adam. Foolish Ponce, didn't you know 
 enough not to rely on any woman, young or old ? He came 
 back to San Juan and packed her off with his captain, Juan 
 Perez, who finally returned without her. How did he lose 
 
84 SEASODOMS 
 
 her? or did she find the spring, become rejuvenated, and gO 
 off with some younger and handsomer man? What a crack- 
 brained old nut Ponce was, saith the reader. Yes, almost as 
 idiotic as those who make chimerical quests today : the old 
 man who seeks happiness in a young wife ; the minister who 
 looks for truth in creeds ; the student for success in a col- 
 lege; the soldier for liberty in war; the citizen for justice in 
 courts, or honesty in riches. Failing to find the fountain 
 and unwilling to lose more time. Ponce took a Carib cruise 
 to Guadeloupe. Here the men he sent for food and water 
 were ambushed and killed, and the women, who had taken 
 the ship's laundry ashore, were Lockinvar'd by the canni- 
 bals. Defeated, he returned to San Juan where as governor 
 he growled around in his palace-cage till becoming so blood- 
 thirsty he broke loose again and set out to conquer Florida. 
 But there this old mangy lion got a thorn in his side, in the 
 shape of an Indian arrow, from the effects of which he died 
 in Cuba. i 
 
 The ashes of this restless rogue rest in the San Juan 
 Cathedral. I stood before the inscription that sings his 
 praises and thought of the many worthy ones he had sent 
 to tombless dust. In the San Jose Plaza stands a statue of 
 him made from the British cannon captured from the invad- 
 ers in 1797, and in the near-by church his remains reposed 
 from 1559 to 1863. Excellent to erect statues to founders of 
 cities, yet in all my world travels I have never found one to 
 the memory of Cain, builder of the first city. Why this 
 favoritism ? 
 
 THE MADHOUSE 
 
 I left the Casa Blanca White House and the memory of 
 its madman and murderer, with the sad thought that there 
 were others. From this house of the dead insane I turned 
 to the house of the living insane. The asylum doctor was 
 my Virgilian guide through this Inferno and he warned me 
 against some frightful sights I was to see. If you are not 
 crazy before you enter the asylum you may be ere you de- 
 part. 'Tis a rocky, rambling, rickety old structure unworthy 
 of the fine site it occupies, and should be pulled down and 
 
SEASODOMS 85 
 
 rebuilt. But this takes money. Even now there are not 
 enough attendants for the insane attendance. Let me intro- 
 duce you to some of the leaders in this genteel society — a 
 woman on a cot shrieking like a fiend; an ancient hag, 
 crouched in a corner, v/ith matted hair, rheumy eyne, and 
 slavering lips, moaning and gurgling to herself; a coquet- 
 tish young maiden strenuously objecting to the style of 
 straight-jacket two nurse maids were forcibly urging her to 
 put on. She yelled, scratched, struck and fell in a heap on 
 the floor. Another on a bed was filling the air with obscene 
 cries. Descending to the dark dungeons we found the cells 
 where the wild women are thrown in at night stark naked, 
 on bare board shelves, lest they strangle themselves with 
 shreds of their clothing. The nauseating open drain lava- 
 tories in the floor were being cleaned out. In another sec- 
 tion I watched a naked man running around his cell like a 
 great ape and leaping up and grabbing the bars, around 
 which he wrapped his legs and arms, all the while gibbering 
 and grinning at us. Another in a straight-jacket lay howl- 
 ing on his bed and attempted to rip the sheets to shreds with 
 his teeth. Others sat around in groups, in short Mother 
 Hubbard suits, showing their scaly, matterated arms and 
 legs. A barred court, like an animal arena, was filled with 
 savage men who paced about, gestured, mumbled and made 
 faces at us. Over in the corner, spotted like a toad on the 
 banks of Acheron, with a head and shoulders built on the 
 lines of Socrates, sat a man afflicted with some aw^ful com- 
 plaint. This philosopher had it in for the universe, for ever 
 and anon he lifted up his head and voice to the sky, shooting 
 out a volley of curses and blasphemies that reverberated 
 through the corridors. I was forced to listen to one mad- 
 man for five minutes who had the fluency of Spanish speech 
 but no coherence — just Hamlet's "words, words, words." 
 Yet there was another whose words I thoroughly under- 
 stood. He followed me with his evil eye, came near, and 
 yelled with damnable iteration, "Americano no good, mucho 
 malo." If he referred to this asylum in this American pos- 
 session, he said the right thing, for it would be a disgrace 
 to heathen Mexico. Our American treasury has much money 
 for many mad schemes — why not spend some of it in the 
 wards of this madhouse? Swift proposed a hospital for 
 
86 §EASODdM^ 
 
 incurables, physical and mental, ''incurable fools, knaves, 
 scolds, scribblers, infidels, liars, whores, not to mention the 
 incurably vain, envious, proud, affected, impertinent, and 
 ten thousand other incurables." If in the future we have 
 any money left, let's take a hint from the Dean and build an 
 asylum in Washington for American incurables, i.e., office- 
 hunters, war-makers, editorial hacks, spring-poets, movie- 
 habitues, baseball fans, golf, tennis and football cranks, 
 post-war profiteers and clerical propagandists. 
 
 MARS MEMORIALS 
 
 If, as Andreyev writes in his "Red Laugh," war is in- 
 sanity, there are many relics in San Juan of its methodical 
 madness, from the American Army Headquarters at Casa 
 Blanca, and mouldering Morro and San Cristobal forts, to 
 city gates and walls. There is one old gateway of 1749 
 through which we passed unchallenged, the only sentry be- 
 ing a native washerwoman anxious to make the contrast 
 between her face and clothes great as possible. The bat- 
 tered wood doors have held their years well with giant 
 brass-headed nails. They were open for us as for the trad- 
 ers of yore who came to land, leave and get their cargo. 
 How many years have marched through these gates, carry- 
 ing with them the warriors, merchants and adventurers as 
 prisoners ! 
 
 If thou hast a craving to rove and roam over weather- 
 beaten walls, time-eaten turrets, piles of stone covered with 
 vines, moss and sentinel palms, or winding stairways, keeps, 
 tunnels and dungeons — by rusty cannon, scarred sentry- 
 boxes, embrasures, torture-chambers, scarps, fosses, bas- 
 tions, tenailles, vaulted passages, moats, paved platforms, 
 observatories and signal stations — ^by all means hike ye to 
 morose Morro and San Cristobal forts where not even a 
 goat can scale their ramparts. Here dungeon walls have 
 echoed to the fearful cries of fiendish persecution. Michael 
 Angelo complains in one of his sonnets, that while painting 
 the Sistine Chapel, he became so twisted that he grew a 
 goitre, that his belly was driven close up to his chin, and 
 that straining like a Syrian bow he acquired a squinting 
 
SEASODOMS 87 
 
 brain and eye — yet Mike never suffered as these prisoners 
 did. He only suggests what they received here with their 
 necks shoved in a niche of rock, their chin pressed to their 
 knees and an iron bar clamped over their chest. Is it any 
 wonder that 'tis said Der Teufel was in the habit of kid- 
 napping Spanish guards from the fort? His majesty must 
 have needed such men in hell to devise new tortures. I 
 started to enter one of these cells of cunning cruelty, but the 
 grunt of a pig — or was it the groan of a former occupant — 
 gave me a fright and cooled my ardor for further explora- 
 tion. I was glad to crawl out to light of sun and smell of sea. 
 
 BAD FOLKS 
 
 Faint with these horrors and sorely in need of strength 
 which even a banana would give, I walked to the market, 
 overlooking the sea, where vivacious venders were bargain- 
 ing over cabbage, lettuce, potatoes, garden-truck, melons, 
 pines and grapefruit, but bananas, there were none, so I 
 compromised on some wizened oranges. On this wall was 
 other tempting fruit for sale — Porto Rican cocottes, in skill- 
 fully disarranged toilettes, seated in doorways and windows, 
 winking at you — the police wink at them — and inviting you 
 to enter and learn their philosophy of enjoyment. These 
 brothel booths with maiden merchandise are found else- 
 where in San Juan, and smirking senoritas are oft seen 
 loitering around hotel corridors. You may take them to the 
 movies, or permit them to escort you to Hades. Little 
 brother often solicits for his sister. Near St. Anne's con- 
 vent two girls of the frail sisterhood, during high business 
 hours, offered me bargain prices on their charms, but the 
 traffic cop, dudey and debonair, saw them and hurried to 
 tell me, in slightly fractured English, they were "Bad — very 
 bad — no good." I heeded his warning, yet from the columns 
 of the local press it is evident that many do not, since there 
 are many prominent ads of doctors and drugs for "vias 
 urinarias, sifilis y enfermedades de la sangre." 
 
 As in venerable Venezia, one finds a prison and palace 
 on either hand, for the jail is situated just below the Gov- 
 ernor's Palace and slapped up against the old city wall like 
 
88 SEASODOMS 
 
 a lean-to shed. It is far from modern, large but not light, 
 and not fireproof. We saw the hospital wards, kitchen, 
 laundry, shoe, tailor and workshops where prisoners offered 
 us souvenirs for sale. Why buy? To help the man inside, 
 whom we refuse and reject outside and so compel him to 
 steal and get back in again. Upstairs was a section where 
 bad boys were herded in a small room doing nothing so much 
 as avoiding the guard's switch. Had they been in school 
 before, they wouldn't have been forced to learn in a prison 
 cell. An institution like this would not be tolerated in the 
 U. S. Why then permitted under our occupation? Of 
 course this doesn't read ''nice," but what I am writing about 
 isn't nice. A book-seller on the plaza told me that if I wrote 
 a book and said "nice" things about San Juan, he could sell 
 many of them, but if not, not. Yea, "Verrilly." One may 
 use a whitewash pen and get money out of his book-sale 
 here, but I do not care to obtain money under false pre- 
 tenses. Many "nice" flatterers think they are dedicating 
 their works, like Swift, to "Prince Posterity," yet these 
 bum writers are simply furnishing posterior material. 
 
 SAN JUAN SIGHTS 
 
 One night in the Plaza Principal I met an old resident 
 of San Juan I had seen here ten years before. He was 
 seated in a rocking chair. I asked him how times were and 
 he sadly said, "Rotten — the band plays tonight, but where 
 are the people? Home — they don't like to come to funerals." 
 Around us were beautiful shade trees, electric lights, fine 
 cement walks, the music was well rendered, but the life, 
 laugh and promenade were with Villon's snows of yester 
 year. Patriotic Porto Ricans want independence and 
 drinks, all of this and something more. 
 
 If you would like to see how dirty Porto Ricans can be, 
 though surrounded by water, take the ferry boat with 
 Behrens and me and run across the bay to Catano with its 
 miry streets, horrible hovels of debris architecture, noisy 
 women, naked children, mud, slime and slum. Many of the 
 families of San Juan cigar-workers live here — if it may be 
 called living to eke and reek out a mere existence. Other 
 
SEASODOMS 89 
 
 slum sections of San Juan are not far from the Y. M. C. A. 
 and Carnegie Library, both so far out from town that they 
 do not reach the masses for whom they were intended. The 
 buildings are well built and furnished, and one wonders why 
 the natives do not make daily tours to them for the moral 
 and mental stimulus they offer. 
 
 San Juan's high school is housed in low-built, yellow- 
 painted sheds that resemble barracks or pest-houses — ugly 
 accommodations for the pretty American school teachers 
 who are trying to do good work under great difficulties. 
 Not long ago some school boys and girls went on a strike 
 when it came to learning English, because they said Porto 
 Rico was soon to be independent. In the recent election the 
 Independence party won and now flies an Independence flag. 
 During the holidays I saw it decorating store-windows, and 
 in the newspapers politicians make their appearance in 
 photos with the Independence flag spread out between them. 
 In my ride between Ponce and San Juan I noticed a number 
 of American flags floating upside down on the public schools. 
 
 The city prides itself on the Baldorioty de Castro Tech- 
 nical trade school. The director, Mr. Herman Hjorth, 
 showed me around. Instruction is free, and supported by 
 the municipality of San Juan at the annual cost of $25,000. 
 The new building is architecturally imposing, roomy and 
 airy, has wide halls, ample class rooms, a large assembly 
 hall and classes for everything between plumbing and paint- 
 ing. It is right up-to-date in anything you care to learn 
 with hand or head, in sharp contrast with the R. C. school 
 next door. I visited the trade school several times and 
 addressed a number of the classes. 
 
 I took a swing around to the Union Club and the Casino. 
 At the former institution the notice "no gambling" was un- 
 noticed by the players in its inside rooms. A personal letter 
 from a Spanish author admitted us to the Casino. The 
 empty ballroom was a dream — what a waking reality when 
 filled with dancing fairies. En route to the Teatro we en- 
 Countered an outdoor show. I thought the star performer 
 was an acrobat or contortionist, but learned through an 
 interpreter he was only a "soapboxer" descanting on the 
 color question. No, he was not an artist. Ye Teatro Munic- 
 ipal is builded in old Spanish style and served us a mixed 
 
90 S E A S D M S 
 
 program of song and dance for three hours. I frankly con- 
 fess I did not understand the songs but could appreciate the 
 dance movements. The theatre faces the Plaza Colon, a 
 pretty square, defaced by a colossal statue of Chris. — the 
 man in whom centered all the vices and villanies of his age ; 
 who had the world's consent and approval of his death; 
 whose life was valuable only to himself; and in honor of 
 whom Porto Rico public schools yearly celebrate October 
 12th. 
 
 The Governor of the island was appointed by our for- 
 mer president — it goes without saying he was a Southerner. 
 He is of the Kentucky kind, as genial and hospitable as those 
 I met during my four years' Ky. pastorate among fair 
 women and brave men. Governor Yager amended my pass- 
 port for Curacao and Venezuela — such little matters are 
 easier fixed away from home than at Washington. His 
 honor felt it was still too early co give the island indepen- 
 dence because of its prevailing disease, poverty and illit- 
 eracy, which we have been unable to cure and correct, 
 strange as it may seem, though we have been here since 
 1898 when the island was ceded to us by the Treaty of Paris. 
 
 A PAGAN CHRISTMAS 
 
 Whistler called Chicago a "hog town" — he should have 
 been in San Juan the day before Christmas when the natives 
 carried about little live pigs in their hands or under their 
 arms, and at night in public cafe or private home baked 
 Mr. Porker to a crackling brown crisp that would have made 
 Charles LamTD's mouth water, splutter and stutter eulogistic 
 dissertations on roast pig equal to anything in China. This 
 night pigs are stuffed and the people are stuffed with pigs, 
 till Christmas morning they dream more of pigs in the pen 
 than of angels in the sky. In restaurants I saw the two and 
 four-legged variety in contented tete-a-tetes. The motto 
 for this evening is *'In Hog Signo Vinces." At ancient fes- 
 tivals the natives partook of wood rats, rabbits, bats, lizards, 
 frogs, spiders and grubs, and I suppose enjoyed them just 
 as much as San Juan's citizens do their Xmas eve pig din- 
 ner. When in San Juan do as the Porco Reek'uns do, and 
 
SEASODOMS 91 
 
 we did. This holy night his well-known sulphureous High- 
 ness ruled. Merrymakers on the cars were full of rum and 
 exuberance. A lonely outcast, invited to no Christmas 
 party, my Christmas tree was the palm tree lighted by moon 
 and stars, the music the sea waves, and the gifts the price- 
 less mehiories of friends beyond the sea. Since it was 
 Christmas tide I strolled to the Condado ocean beach where 
 there is a Vanderbilt hotel palace that would make Neptune 
 turn green with envy. There's no place like home Xmas 
 time, and the few visitors who were playing billiards, and 
 the orchestra that was playing out, were homesick. 
 
 The Cathedral bells rang out the Christmas chime from 
 the old tower as they had since 1549. The church was 
 packed, lights blazed, incense burned, choirs sang, organ 
 pealed, sleigh-bells kept time, processionals passed before 
 the altar, the priests genuflected, the plate was passed re- 
 peatedly, the chapels were ablaze, children crowded round 
 the manger cradle — then came the climax, a Bambino de- 
 partment store doll was brought out, and two beautiful 
 Spanish girls I had devoutly watched during the service 
 followed hundreds of worshippers to the altar rail where 
 all in turn reverently kissed the feet of the baby idol. After 
 each osculation a little page followed with a towel, wiping 
 off the kisses from the feet to avoid infection. Gloria in 
 excelsis ! Te Deum Laudamus ! Of yore the ancient Bori- 
 quenians prayed to idols of stone, clay and wood, and per- 
 formed rites in their presence. My, how the Porto Ricans 
 have progressed since then! Ponce's bones rest here, and 
 there is a weird wax image, a **figger" our friend Art. Ward 
 would have gladly placed in his show. It is of a Roman 
 soldier and called the "petrified man," all tied around with 
 a woolen string of tradition and romance. There are some 
 old bones and a bottle of blood from the Catacombs. More 
 signs of progress. 
 
 At the hotel! hung up my stocking just as I had at 
 home for half a century, and being my own Santa Claus, 
 filled it next morning when I put it en. Christmas morn- 
 ing! "Peace on earth, good will towards men." I was 
 reading the newspapers, dated December 25th, which told 
 how the different nations were preparing to get money for 
 arms and armaments to wipe each other off the map, when 
 
92 SEASODOMS 
 
 I heard a rumble overhead and looked out of my window 
 into the sky. Was it a peal of thunder — or of inextinguish- 
 able laughter of the heathen gods at this Christian comedy 
 on earth? 
 
 Porto Rico asked Uncle Sam for the following Christ- 
 mas gifts : New custom houses, extension of rural credits, 
 educational grants, purchase of a new bond issue, privilege 
 of choosing her own governor, and most of all independence. 
 In his letter to Santa Sam the Porto Rican wants to know 
 why the men can't drink liquor, and the women are not 
 allowed the privilege of voting ; what America's future pol- 
 icy is, and how long we intend to remain here. A Porto 
 Rican author told me that the U. S. had lost its reputation 
 for being a "big brother" by its shameless treatment of 
 Haiti, Santo Domingo and Porto Rico, which was keenly 
 resented throughout South America; that we should con- 
 ciliate Porto Rico by giving her independence and making 
 her the mediator between North and South America. 
 
 "Good-bye, San Juan, — historic, hybrid, picturesque, 
 noisy, busy and colorful," I said as the engine pulled me 
 away with my train of thought. It was Sunday, the cars 
 were full of Xmas cheer, the day was bright and the air 
 intoxicating. 
 
 TOWNS AND TRAITS 
 
 The train makes tracks through the North of the island 
 among cane, coffee and fruit districts, by foolscap foothills 
 to the Spanish town of Arceibo, then runs over flat lands 
 to Aguadilla, proud of its spring "Ojo de Agua," where they 
 say Chris, landed for water with caravels dry as camels. 
 The town had recently been visited by tidal wave and earth- 
 quake. We were thirsty and glad to drink any kind of 
 water — so was the engine. You may eat here, too, if your 
 appetite has not been spoiled by the towns through which 
 you have passed and where one sees a hospital crowd of 
 ambulating unfortunates covered with dust, ulcers and 
 scrofulous tumors, or a set of sufferers minus an arm or leg. 
 Some looked like a living erysipelas, and others as if they 
 had returned scarred and shrivelled from Hell's grill. At 
 
SEASODOMS 93 
 
 Aguada stand ruins of the original town destroyed by In- 
 dians. The natives hotly claim that Chris, got his spring- 
 water here, not at Aguadilla, and are trying to keep sweet 
 during the controversy by cultivating sugar-cane, raising 
 coffee and making hats. Anasco unites with these two 
 towns in' having a sort of water on the brain, i.e., they 
 claim that in the nearby river, Salcedo, the Spaniard, 
 was drowned by the Indians to prove whether he was 
 a mere man or an immortal god. He failed to recuperate 
 after his ducking and in three days his carcass smelled as 
 bad as any other dead body. The Indians decided the ex- 
 periment was a success and went out to try this acid test of 
 immortality on other hidalgos. Little wonder, since they 
 had been driven to desperation by the heavy tasks imposed 
 on them by the Spaniards. And when I read they withered 
 many flowers of Spain's chivalry, I ask, "Who says the In- 
 dians never did a good thing and were good for nothing?" 
 
 I admit the Indian had many wicked traits — was just, 
 heroic, hospitable and generous ; believed in a sky and earth 
 god, and in agriculture ; hunted and fished for food, not cruel 
 pleasure ; was poetic and made myths of the rising and set- 
 ting sun, of the creation of the sea, the mystery of death 
 and the origin of the first men and women ; was philosophic, 
 living in simplicity in a palm hut ; made baskets and musical 
 instruments, carved wood, and had festivals to celebrate 
 marriage, the birth of a child, death, or the day when a 
 child's hair was cut, a canoe launched, a tree felled, a house 
 builded, or a garden made; regarded theft as a curse and 
 punished crime severely. Apart from these vices were some 
 notable virtues that even the bigoted Spaniards must have 
 noticed, and we moderns can appreciate — polygamy was 
 practised, some chiefs having 25 or 30 wives, while among 
 the common people wives were often treated as slaves ; his 
 secular and religious affairs were closely related ; a system 
 of vassalage existed among the chiefs; the natives were 
 acquainted with gold and used it for ornaments and to 
 decorate their idols ; they danced, smoked and went to war ; 
 they were flat-nosed, flat-headed and had poor teeth. 
 
 The ancient Indian is supposed to have had ancestors 
 who did not have the honor of being exterminated by the 
 Spanish Dons. They were neolithicers and have left just 
 
94 SEASODOMS 
 
 enough puzzling relics to make some people worry their 
 heads off wondering what they were. Among these stone 
 creations were pestles, mortars, pendants and hearts, rude 
 pictures on stone, masks, amulets, and the stone collar, a 
 remarkable thing in shape and size like the collar of a horse. 
 It was carefully made and often decorated with artistic skill 
 and doubtless took a lifetime to make, but as an article of 
 neckwear it must have been a trifle cumbersome, except on 
 an enemy's neck. Or was it used m marriage rites? Any- 
 way, it was a heavy yoke, yet not so onerous or bad as that 
 under which many people labor today. 
 
 CURACAO CAROUSINGS 
 
 We stole out from Mayaguez about midnight, and like 
 pirates boarded the ''Maracaibo" of the "Red D" Line. 
 She soon proved the R D stood for red devil and rolling des- 
 perately. The Southern Cross was above us and from the 
 way the ship bowed and ducked during the night one would 
 have thought she had contracted the religious habit of the 
 Roman Catholic countries she visits down here. *'L" was 
 sick and gave up his meals to the lishes, and I surrendered 
 my room to a Curacao family which had almost given up the 
 ghost. For three days I had a good time between meals, 
 reading, putting the piano out of tune, and watching the 
 serious face of an English lady to whom I had given an 
 American joke-book. 
 
 We lay a day at La Guayra, Venezuela, putting off 
 freight and passengers, and taking on passengers and 
 freight, which latter consisted mostly of Mr. Gomez, brother 
 of the Venezuelan President, who came aboard with serv- 
 ants, wife and other impedimenta. This undersecretary of 
 Satan is a fine Venezuelan gentleman. A few months ago he 
 killed a man — a minor matter here. An honest Venezuelan 
 would be a criminal in other countries. Like Cassius, he 
 had a "lean and hungry look," had black hair and brows, 
 brown skin, feverish twitch of lips and piercing eyes. In 
 short, he was a most distinguished-looking thief who lives 
 by looting the poor. Among the motley passengers taken 
 aboard was a delectable sultana, with capricious curves. 
 
SEASODOMS 95 
 
 who disliked the cabin assigned her, and asked the purser 
 to share his room with her. Being a new man and not 
 thoroughly acquainted with his official duties, he refused. 
 Afterw^ards I saw her making overtures to other male pas- 
 sengers. , She found a place — I don't know where — but I 
 am sure it wasn't in my room. 
 
 New Year's eve and off for Curacao. While the ''Mara- 
 caibo" was cutting through the Caribbean, her Curacao 
 negro crew was cutting capers on deck and below* They 
 had tippled all evening and were now tipsy, lying sprawled 
 on the decks. One of the gang took a header down the gang 
 to the deck below and was uninjured. The companionways 
 were littered with roaring guzzlers who hie, haec and hoc'd 
 to their full content. At first they hoarsely bawled out 
 church hymns, then possessed with the spirits they had 
 drunk, started up their Dutch island dance, sticking to each 
 other like the itch, and slobbering out the sweet strain of 
 "lou-lou-lou-u-u." They had a glorious time in the glory 
 hole. The pent-up enthusiasm of a year was uncorked and 
 many deserted from the ship next day to celebrate New 
 Year's in their own home town. If they are on ship New 
 Year's day it is not unusual for them to refuse to work, and 
 to attempt to run the ship their own way. As the old year 
 departs it is customary to throw your old clothes after it. 
 A mother and two children, whose apparent poverty had 
 drawn our sympathy, were seen pitching their clothes over- 
 board. One of the needy stewards rushed forward and 
 rescued some of the things for himself, thinking Neptune 
 had enough. 
 
 New Year's morning we sighted Buen Ayre, a Dutch 
 island with a little lighthouse stuck upon it like a Holland 
 gin bottle. It has 5,000 inhabitants, is 95 square miles big, 
 is fiat and arid, and looks as though a ripple would be a 
 tidal wave that could overflow it. Now before us rises 
 something in the sea like a slimy, submarine monster — the 
 Dutch island of Curacao. The ship skirted a baked, barren 
 coast with phosphate mine, then headed for Willemstad — 
 the tiny, toy capital, yellow as a Holland cheese and striped 
 like a barber-pole — glided into the harbor lagoon between 
 Forts Riff and Amsterdam, passed the Gouvernmentshuis, 
 and when the Queen Emmabrug swung open, dropped an- 
 
96 SEASODOMS 
 
 chor in St. Anna's Bay. Mynheer Doctor Voosten Walbert 
 Schimmelpennick, with rest for refreshments between the 
 syllables of his name, came aboard, declaring Curacao was 
 a free port — we later found it was in morals as well as com- 
 merce — and that there were no "duties," except to sleep and 
 get drunk. He quietly slipped a thermal tube into our 
 mouths to see whether our spirits and temperature were 
 high enough to warrant our going ashore and mingling 
 with the festivities promoted by Dutch gin and girls. 
 
 New Year's day, in the harbor of Curacao, on board 
 the United States steamship "Maracaibo," I made two 
 American souls happy by making them one — Miss Marjorie 
 Lavelle Sparks and William David Lewis, both of San Fran- 
 cisco. She had come all the way from 'Frisco to marry him 
 at Maracaibo, Venezuela, where he was employed as a civil 
 engineer. At the last minute, on learning that the laws of 
 Venezuela necessitated an indefinite delay, he wirelessed her 
 to meet him at Curacao, only to find on his arrivel there that 
 the Dutch laws were even more stringent. However, with 
 the consent of the captain, who was an American in com- 
 mand of an American ship, I, as an American, married Miss 
 Sparks and Mr. Lewis, according to the laws of God — al- 
 though they had no license according to the laws of man. 
 The ceremony was performed in the captain's cabin with 
 his bed for a background. I told the captain he could make 
 assurance doubly sure and marry them again that night 3 
 miles out at sea. 
 
 Then our bridal procession performed a "pedal organ" 
 wedding march through the Dutch oven streets to the 
 Hotel Americano where I played the meddlesome Mendels- 
 sohn march to the delight of all but the proprietor, who 
 looked nervous at the way I handled the new piano. Mean- 
 while, the corks were popping, keeping time in a sort of 
 Holland rhyme. I finished, went to the table, kissed the 
 bride and proceeded to "drink her down." By the way, this 
 is a corking good place to celebrate any time, for 'tis said 
 that corks thrown into the Bay of Biscay (or whisky) float 
 across the Atlantic and land here among other flotsam and 
 jetsam. I paid for the best front room in the hotel and gave 
 an extra dollar to the porter for bringing my bags because 
 he said it was the first day of the year and he needed an 
 
sEAsoDOivig- o; 
 
 extra dollar for giii. I was glad it wasn't the last day of 
 the year. Truly saith the gazetteer, "While Dutch money 
 is used, American, English, German and French and other 
 currency goes." At each end of the hotel porch hung huge 
 ornaments shaped like dice and shaken by the wind. Did 
 they signify we were taking a chance to stop here? The 
 w^orld over I have seen coats of arms in the form of lions, 
 dragons, dolphins, etc., but never anything like this. 
 
 ' From our balcony we looked down on the Waterkant, 
 and the Wilhemina paviljen with its tiny music stand where 
 Queen Willy was on a bust like the rest of her subjects. 
 Nevertheless, she was sober enough to keep in the shade and 
 not follow the throng of inebriated girls, in bright colored 
 dresses and peaked hats, who went dancing by like the 
 waves of heat. Like Sterne to his nut-brown Nannette, I 
 cried, "Then 'tis time to dance off," and I dived into the 
 stream of girls rippling with laughter and eddied off with 
 them into a room on a side street, where they all began to 
 chant, drink and dance. "Make it schnappy" was their 
 whiz-bang motto, and their Dutch "hops" were hotter than 
 their gin. It pains me much, virtuous reader, to confess 
 these Dutch nymphs were not dowered with the fatal gift 
 of beauty, and so I left them unable to feel with Sterne, 
 "Just Disposer of our joys and sorrows, why could not a 
 man sit down in the lap of content here, and dance and sing, 
 and say his prayers, and go to heaven with this nut-brown 
 maid?" 
 
 Curacao has but 16 inches yearly rainfall and the in- 
 habitants are said to be dependent on rain water brought 
 by schooners from the Venezuelan coast. I think this must 
 be a mistake from the number of "schooners" I saw emptied 
 in the bar-room. Geography says the island is arid, evi- 
 dently making no account of this annual liquor inundation. 
 I sipped the not insipid Curacao liqueur that made Milwau- 
 kee jealous. To begin with, it is a mJld drink, but not to 
 end with. It has 36 per cent alcohol and there are three 
 varieties, orange, white and green. Since my lips had 
 smacked and tasted Ireland's Blarney stone, I chose the lat- 
 ter. Formerly it was made here from the peel of a peculiar 
 orange plant grown on the island which was pounded under 
 water, allowed to stand for awhile, then distilled with strong 
 
98 SEASODOMS 
 
 alcohol. Sugar and rum are added to improve the flavor and 
 aroma. The fruit trees of Curacao have been destroyed by 
 drought, so the fruit now comes from West Indian islands 
 and the drink is principally manufactured in Holland and 
 Great Britain. It is easily prepared. All of this informa- 
 tion should be acceptable and pleasing to my U. S. readers. 
 The recipe alone is worth twice the price of this book, as it 
 beats the raisin yeast cake "hootch" and kicks it out of 
 sight. This liqueur has made the island more famous than 
 its aloes, phosphates, divi-divi dyewood, hydes, skins, native 
 lace and straw hats. 
 
 The sailors and wassailers at the hotel were full of 
 Curacao spirits — it was no place for a minister's son, and 
 I left them to cross the Emma bridge from Overzijde (Otra- 
 banda) to Punda, Willemstad. It is not a Sabbath day's 
 journey, for the bridge is only one-fourth as long as the 
 names of the towns it connects. Like the Scripture gulf 
 that separated Dives and Lazarus, this narrow body of 
 water divides many of the rich upper from the poor lower 
 class. This pontoon bridge is little but has made a lot of 
 money, for its toll is a gold bridge in the mouth of the bay, 
 man, beast and beastly auto paying accordingly. It is 
 cheaper to cross bare-footed though you may get splinters 
 in 7our feet. If you take off one shoe, one cent is taken 
 from the toll ; if two, two cents. The dead, we are told, was 
 charged an obolus to cross the Styx ; here he and his living 
 followers may cross free in a funeral procession. This free 
 board-walk privilege is often enjoyed by tramps, not friends 
 or relatives of the deceased, who take advantage by falling 
 in line after the hearse. Since I couldn't wait for someone 
 to die, I paid my money and walked over, directing my steps 
 to the Hotel Suiza which was as ratty as a hunk of old Swiss 
 cheese and with a reputation as rotten, with its drinking, 
 dancing and other things going on and off. Here I saw 
 some Holland police-officers fall off the water-wagon. Be- 
 lieving in the orthodox Dutch doctrine of cleanliness, they 
 were mopping up the streets, not with brooms, but with 
 each other. A big fellow dragged out a little fellow, knocked 
 him down, kicked him around the street for a while, picked 
 him up by the heels, then mauled him around, using his head 
 as if he were pounding cobblestones. The victim was a fine 
 
SEASODOMS 99 
 
 subject for a phrenologist. A waiter came out of the front 
 door and burned a red light to celebrate — wholly unneces- 
 sary to show the character of the place, which could serve 
 as an illustration to Wilde's poem, "The Harlot's House." 
 
 In the narrow streets, byways and highways we were 
 accosted ' by several Holland hetaira who, in the Dutch 
 dialect of ''papiamento" — a potpourri of Spanish, English, 
 African and Dutch — offered us better social accommodation 
 at their houses than were to be found at our hotel. Curacao 
 is a fine place to follow out Henry IV's expression, ''loved 
 at random." But beware! Tennyson's memorable words, 
 " 'Tis better to have loved and lost — than never to have 
 loved at all," do not apply, for 'tis often better to do without 
 than with, as sailors in many a 'lusthuis" here can testify. 
 
 In this dark quarter of Willemstad you are lost till you 
 hear the musical "chink-a-chink-a~chink," a most monoto- 
 nous melody produced by rubbing or scratching a nail over 
 a corrugated piece of iron or the business end of a hoe. This 
 is the siren note that lures the Curacaoan to his doom. I 
 tracked one of these sounds to the "Ville de Paris" dance- 
 hall, clambered up a dark, steep stairway, and stared at 
 about 25 couples, in various stages of intoxication, mov- 
 ing about in a dazed sort of way. One girl sank down 
 in a drunken stupor and was carried by her partner to an 
 adjoining room where her soul became stained and crum- 
 pled as. her dress. Men come to this hall to behold and 
 women to be held. "Nearer my goddess, to thee," seems to 
 be the sentiment of the dancer as he swings his partner 
 around. She is commonly buxom, broad of hip, opulent of 
 bosom, blue-eyed, with vinous lips, odorous teeth, and face 
 besmeared with sweat and wine. Hume declared there was 
 no such thing as a soul — one can easily believe it here. 
 Other dance music was furnished by a crank-turned piano 
 whose metallic notes would hardly fit Richter's definition 
 cf music, "The sigh of an angel." It sounded like an ice- 
 cream freezer in action. The dance, if such it might be 
 called, was a very higgledy-wigg-ledy-piggledy affair. Two 
 p^irls stood together in the middle of the floor and gave a 
 "hip"podrome nerformance, then a "Danse de Buttocks," 
 followed by a danse du ventre mo7'e orientale. Curacao is 
 known for its salt deposits and I see now where much of it 
 
100 SEA SODOMS 
 
 comes from — these passionately perspiring bodies. Need- 
 less to say, the free and easy manners started several fights 
 that were ended by the Dutch police who cleaned out the 
 joint and closed the doors. At another upstairs pleasure- 
 parlor I saw coarse caresses and kisses give way to cuffs 
 and kicks. A jealous girl seized her fickle lover by the shirt- 
 collar, ripping out oaths and his shirt into shreds from his 
 back. He bravely defended himself by smashing her face, 
 and when her chum objected, gave her a shove that sent her 
 reeling to the floor, where she broke out crying — and her 
 wrist. The caveman's idea of the close of a perfect day. 
 
 Groping through the Egyptian darkness and coffin- 
 alleys of this amphibious town, we climbed to other dimly 
 lighted rooms where women were swaying to and fro in an 
 uncanny can-can like phantoms over a witches' cauldron. 
 No one but Rembrandt could have shadowed forth these 
 uncouth coryphees. They chanted in a low monotone as if 
 performing mysterious rites over a corpse. I didn't wait 
 to investigate. These natives often hold dances on the plan- 
 tations, the girls returning in a condition like unto that of 
 the maids who attended May-pole dances in old Merrie Eng- 
 land — ^to quote Stubbes: "Of a hundred maides goying to 
 the woode over night, there have scarcely the third parte 
 returned home againe undefiled." 
 
 During my night rambles I noted all the seven deadly 
 sins but Gluttony — he was probably snoring away in the 
 homes of the rich. There is a conveniently located rest- 
 house in Willemstad where those who are drunk and home- 
 less may lie down and sleep instead of going to jail. 
 
 ISLAND LIFE AND DEATH 
 
 Flaubert says religion can supply one with carnal sen- 
 sations and that prayer has its debauchery, which may ex- 
 plain why the Roman Catholic church was crowded at early 
 mass Sunday morning. That was a most impressive scene 
 when a solemn-faced official stalked through the aisles with 
 his long-handled collection-box with a bell attached to rouse 
 the communicants, who are masters in the art of sleeping, 
 to their duty. The majority in the island are of this faith 
 
SEA SODOMS 101 
 
 which accounted for the large audience and the many who 
 on New Year's eve thronged the water front before the 
 Bishop's house to receive his blessing. Was it tinctured 
 with nicotine ? for you must know the clergy here are most 
 religious cane-carrying, white-robed, shovel-hatted, cigaret- 
 smokers, although they are from Holland and their moral 
 character is superior to the Venezuelan brand. The re- 
 cently appointed Governor from Holland is a Roman Cath- 
 olic and this has greatly displeased the members of the 
 Dutch Reformed Church, who worship in a building resem- 
 bling the royal palace at Amsterdam. We fell in line and 
 followed some of them across the bridge to the Protes- 
 tantsche Kerk with its double staircase, dormer windows, 
 floating flag, courthouse dome and clock surmounted by a 
 cress. The congregation was sober and starch-stiff as if it 
 had been there ever since the date 1769, which appears on 
 a tablet on the front of the building. Unable to follow the 
 dominie in his Dutch thought, I went out and took a snap- 
 shot of the edifice that shows a cannon-ball shot into the 
 wall. What history had been written since that time, and 
 will be, ere the hell hiss of powder and shell gives way to 
 the heavenly song of peace on earth. 
 
 Vespucci, who discovered Florida about 15 years be- 
 fore Ponce de Leon, is also credited with the discovery of 
 Curacao in 1469. As I glanced at the small natives walking 
 the streets, I recalled his description of the early inhabitants 
 as "giants — every woman appearing a Penthesilea and every 
 man an Antaeus." He may have seen such, I didn't. If 
 there were giants here in those days I suppose they have all 
 been picked up by showmen for their side-tents. Or maybe 
 the island was too small for them, and they stepped over to 
 Venezuela, the Dutch Amazon, perchance, going to Brazil 
 and stopping at the river that bears her name, while An- 
 taeus hiked on to Patagonia, where I have seen some of his 
 degenerate descendants. Today we have no moi*e gods and 
 goddesses, no more giants and giantesses. What are we 
 coming to, the vanishing point? I sometimes wish with 
 Sterne that I had been born on another planet. 
 
 Now for a short history lesson — skip it if you w^ant to. 
 Curacao was settled by the Spaniards in 1527, captured by 
 the Dutch in 1634, taken by the English in 1798 and 1806, 
 
102 SEASODOMS 
 
 and restored to the Dutch in 1814. Willemstad is t?ie capi- 
 tal and the seat of government for the Dutch West Indies. 
 The island has not only been the retreat for the buccaneer, 
 who used the Schottegat, or inner harbor, as a refuge 
 C where the petroleum tanks are now located;, but was an 
 exile's Elysium for such men as Bolivar and Santa Anna, 
 the former having lived several years in banishment in a 
 castle on the hill. As late as 1908 Castro issued a decree 
 cutting off Curacao's trade with Venezuela, declaring the 
 island was a nest of political refugees and conspirators from 
 Venezuela. Curacao has been in the front rank for smug- 
 gling. Ships annually unload twenty-five times more solids 
 and liquids than the inhabitants consume, which compels 
 the custom officers of Venezuela and Colombia to earn their 
 salary. 
 
 The Governor's house was guarded by two odd-coated, 
 straw-hatted, gun-bearing soldiers who stood like statues — 
 scarecrows rather — at his door. Sunday morning the stores 
 are conveniently opened for several hours, as are the saloons 
 for those not caring to spend all their time or money in the 
 church. 'Twould seem the Sunday Blue Laws have not yet 
 reached the shores of curious Curacao. Many of the shops 
 have queer ways of attracting attention, such as a great 
 globe or Eiffel Tower hung out in front. This catches the 
 child's attention and its Dutch pennies, which are square 
 with rounded corners. 
 
 After a hurried visit to the jail that was empty — for 
 Curacao is a "free" port — I climbed into a big green bus 
 that tore through the streets like a tank in a battlefield, 
 passing in rapid review a Masonic Temple (the Square is 
 found in all the four corners of the earth), a Jewish syn- 
 agogue — the island is the home of many wealthy Jews 
 whose forefathers were banished from Portugal — ^through 
 Scharloo street, with its yellow-painted, seventeenth century 
 gables, near cottages surrounded by trim gardens, by Ar- 
 gus-eyed windowed houses with their neat haus fraus, and 
 past homes of all sizes, shapes and colors — all in great con- 
 trast to the narrow, noisome kennels of the water front 
 where the negroes live. On the plantation the poor blacks 
 exist in huts made of tree branches and clay, the roofs being 
 thatcjied with ^tyaw. A f^w holes suffice for doors ^nd 
 
SEASODOMS 103 
 
 windows. On a few plantations there are windmills to 
 pump water, when there is any, to spray the orange- 
 orchards, if there are any. 
 
 At night I attended a band concert at Wilhelmina Park. 
 Those sufficiently sober were mar(^.hing to martial music, 
 or during the sentimental pieces were seated on the benches 
 making goo-goo eyes to their wenches. Music is the univer- 
 sal language, so I understood it all. 
 
 Sunday afternoon we attended a funeral. The men 
 wore full dress or Prince Alberts, sat silently around the 
 coffin and smoked cigarets. It seldom rains here, maybe 
 once or twice a year, but just as the casket was being borne 
 out to the hearse, the clouds evidently made a mistake, 
 stopped here instead of going on to Venezuela, and broke 
 loose, flooding the streets, so there were wet feet as well as 
 wet eyes at the funeral. The deceased was not a Shriner, 
 but his friends held to the ropes attached to the hearse as 
 if to steady it from falling over. We fell in line, marched 
 over the bridge, and paddled the streets to the cemetery, 
 drawing attention from residents on both sides as if we 
 were a circus parade and not a funeral procession. Many 
 of the mourners were so full of "spirituality" that they ogled 
 and flirted with all the pretty girls they saw en route. At 
 the grave the preacher's remarks were interrupted by a 
 band of drunken hoodlums who stood near and jeered. The 
 cemetery attendant shook his fist and shouted to them to 
 shut up, or there would be another funeral. Strange, that 
 life, which is a noise between two silences, should have one 
 of them thus rudely broken. I was to ride home with the 
 pastor in an auto, but the chauffeur, weary of waiting, had 
 departed for more festal scenes than a cemetery, leaving 
 us to walk several miles to town. Gautier and Ruskin would 
 have loved this island, for there are no trains on it. 
 
 Holland leadn in education but Curacao is far away 
 from her ideals. Education is not compulsory and there is 
 only one small school where tuition is free. I visited the 
 boys' and girls' schools where the children pay for what they 
 get. Napoleon said in this world you pay for everything — 
 and after footing my hotel bill I believed him. . 
 
 We boarded the steamer "Merida" and started for 
 Venezuela, but were stopped to take on the mail which the 
 
104 SEA SODOMS 
 
 laudanum or booze-soaked Dutch postmaster failed to de- 
 liver in time, though he knew the definite hour of our sailing. 
 
 Goeden Dag to this Dutch Venice with ships from some- 
 where and everywhere ; to warehouses and homes that look 
 as if built and painted by the good St. Nicholas who makes 
 Christmas toys ; to indolent men and redolent women ; to the 
 happy haunt of pirate, smuggler and political exile ; to home- 
 ly hospitality, love and liquor ; to this pumpkin-colored Sans 
 Souci. Curacao faded from sight and became a part of the 
 dreamland world of other Odysseys. 
 
 The "Merida" floated flags in the harbor yet found it 
 extremely difficult to float herself in the open sea. She was 
 an unbalanced, crazy craft, and my best wish for her is that 
 unattended she may go to the bottom. We could scarcely 
 lie in our bunks, or stand in our cabins. Twice when I 
 started out of the door I was nearly pitched over the rail 
 by her roll. Outside of the officers and crew, the only pas- 
 senger who didn't appear to mind it was the ship cat. 
 
 Like the cat we came back to La Guayra, five hours 
 late in a twenty-four hour trip usually made in twelve. Yet 
 any port is welcome after the "Merida." 
 
 A SEA SODOM 
 
 "Easy is the descent to hell" — except by way of Ven- 
 ezuela, at whose ports of entry one suffers so many incon- 
 veniences in the form of passport vises, custom fees, red- 
 tape, delay and insolence, that if the Devil wishes to sustain 
 his reputation as a conductor of luxurious pleasure-tours to 
 the infernal regions, he should immediately get rid of his 
 disagreeable officials there. Custom authorities rob the 
 traveler of time, money and patience. These sun-burnt 
 bandits would steal the pennies from the eyes of their dead 
 father, and body-snatch their dead grandmother to sell her 
 entrails for sausage-casings. 
 
 From boat to wharf, to train, to Custom House, to 
 station, to Caracas, Gomez and his gang have got you. I 
 have journeyed from Jerusalem to Jericho, and like the 
 traveler in the Scripture fell among thieves, but they were 
 saints compared with these Venezuelan vultures. Though 
 
CARIBBEAN COQUETTES 
 
msm. 
 
 PUERTO CAEELLO, VENEZUELA 
 
SEA SODOMS 107 
 
 1 had paid five dollars for a vise in Porto Rico for Venezuela, 
 I was charged several dollars more for one at La Guayra. 
 The acting American consul here said it was a steal and 
 wanted to take it up with the American minister at Caracas. 
 A grafting custom officer called a policeman and tried to 
 have me arrested and taken off the train bound for Caracas, 
 because I emphatically refused to pay him 60c for doing 
 nothing. Kingsley has a chapter in his "Westward Ho" on 
 ''What Befell at La Guayra." Methinks I could write a 
 thriller myself. 
 
 La Guayra, founded in 1588, was the same old town I 
 had visited years before, only older. There was the same 
 old concrete breakwater overrun with crabs — the dilapi- 
 dated bull-ring full of chickens, pigs and children — old shoe- 
 store at the foot of a rough, precipitous street where you 
 wear out shoes and patience — ^the same old sight of Death 
 with coffin on his shoulders — same goat-footed people 
 scrambling up the mountain-side— same shrivelled-up, pest- 
 stricken degenerates — same cafes with fly-specks — same 
 saloons with dirt, and cobwebs enough to keep Heliogabalus 
 busy collecting them — same stands with dried-up, bug-cov- 
 ered fruit — same churches with their old belief and bigotry 
 — same lottery-ticket spielers — same shady trees in the 
 plaza with shady characters and loafers on benches under 
 them — same old red mountain La Silla behind the city — 
 same sky, sun and stars over it — same sizzling heat and 
 paralyzing odors. The only new thing was the paint on the 
 old fort bombarded in 1903 by British and German fleets, 
 to enforce settlements of the claims against Venezuela. Be- 
 fore the days of the fort, Drake illustrated the antique 
 rhyme of the man who marched up the hill and down again, 
 for he walked up it with 70 men, took Caracas, indulged in 
 an intoxication of pillaging, killing and burning, and came 
 down to La Guayra with $1,000,000 and without the loss of 
 a man. Many since have followed in his footsteps, figura- 
 tively spcar.-'iig, by becoming president and getting away 
 with as much as they could. Venezuela has been called an 
 autocracy under the guise of a republic. It is in reality a 
 revolutionary government, having a record of over 100 
 revolutions. You need fear little robbery except by the gov- 
 ernment, from the custom officer to the head of the bureau 
 
108 SEA SODOMS 
 
 who hedges, hampers, and with legal politeness strips you 
 of your investment. The most thriving national industry is 
 thieving. , .?.^.i^; I 
 
 There are some senoritas like the scenery, wild, beauti- 
 ful and romantic, though there are many wizened witches, 
 rheumatic, mustachioed and flea-bitten who make one sea- 
 sick on land. The local enchantresses give the stranger a 
 good (bad) time — as well as a choice assortment of unde- 
 sirable souvenirs. It is a pestiferous port where the laud- 
 able profession of prostitution is much practised. These 
 moral lepers are much more dangerous than the physical 
 ones in the big asylum in the outskirts. Gay girls throw 
 kisses to the tenderfoot as he walks the streets — a most 
 sanitary and microbeless pastime. 
 
 I entered a girls' school where the young misses were 
 learning much and not missing anything, for as a practical 
 object lesson in physiology, a naked little boy had strolled 
 in from the streets and was roaming about the room. Some 
 of the citizens are quite devout and show their gratitude to 
 God for his numerous blessings. I passed a saloon bearing 
 the inscription, "Gracias a Dios" (Thanks to God). Thus 
 do the simple-minded people obey the Scriptural command, 
 *'In everything give thanks." 
 
 Yellow Fever and Bubonic Plague make La Guayra 
 their favorite place of call, while Leprosy never goes away. 
 It is one of the most picturesque ports in the Caribbean and 
 one of the rottenest anywhere. There are but few handsome 
 women and I doubt whether Ojeda and his men, who coasted 
 along here to Maracaibo in the first of the sixteenth century, 
 were they to come here now, would care to carry off any 
 females as was their habit — ^though the Venezuelan men 
 would be perfectly willing to permit the most frank and 
 intimate relations with their wives and daughters, at so 
 much per capita — ^there is no more "free" love as in the 
 past. My traveling companion, who didn't know much 
 Spanish, and translated the signs 'Tanderias" (bakeries) 
 as panders, and "Lecherias" (dairies) as lechers, didn't miss 
 it much — ^he got the right names in the wrong places. As I 
 
SEASODOMS 10^ 
 
 left La Guayra the lovely lines of the American Consul's 
 poem came to mind — 
 
 "Oh, dirty people ! dirty homes ! despicable spot ! 
 Departing I will bless you in your dirtiness and rot !" 
 
 Venezuela is a tropical country cursed with all sorts of 
 insects and bugs, but the worst bug of all is the religious 
 humbug. Placards about town were advertising proces- 
 sions to take place in honor of Our Lady of Lourdes at Mai- 
 quetia, a suburb a few minutes' ride from La Guayra, and 
 famed for a popular shrine and a more popular brewery. 
 In the main plaza towered a cross and Christ. It stood on 
 an elevation beneath which was a chapel, fitly wired with 
 electricity for Him who is the Light of the world. Religious 
 pilgrimages and processions, which had been barred for 
 their demoralizing influence on the people by ''granting to 
 the pilgrim the grace of getting drunk, if a man, and of 
 giving birth to a little Christian nine months after said 
 visit, if a woman," have now been permitted by the pious 
 President. I visited the noted miracle shrine where natives 
 from all over Venezuela come across the mountains carrying 
 crosses. There was "holy water" supposed to wash away 
 all disease and sin. I turned on the faucet — the government 
 insists on this sanitary provision — but it was dry, the wells 
 of salvation were not flowing that day. 
 
 At the other end of La Guayra lies Macuto where, if 
 lucky, you may "clean up" yourself in a sea-bath, or a pile 
 of filthy lucre at the roulette table. Tragic and comic writ- 
 ers have depicted the woes of matrim.ony, but there must 
 have been a few bright moments in the life of a couple here, 
 for the interior of the church in which the ceremony had 
 taken place was literally walled in with radiant and fra- 
 grant flowers. Still, love is blind, they may not have seen 
 them, or they may have had a touch of coryza at the time, 
 and so have been unable to whiff them. The wealthy wights 
 of Caracas come to Macuto to sport and disport and prome- 
 nade like peacocks on the sea esplanade. I preferred the 
 walk up the hillside several miles away with vistas of sea, 
 mountain-peaks, refreshing limes and unsophisticated na- 
 tives. 
 
no SEASODOMg 
 
 HIGH FINANCE AND HOTEL LIFE 
 
 English Drake robbed the inhabitants long ago and the 
 modern English have followed his example. They own the 
 tram to Macuto and Maiquetia, and charge exorbitant rates 
 for the little ride to and from them. Yet I cheerfully gave 
 my money for the view of the seabeach covered with rusty 
 tin pans and bedroom utensils, and the fences made of bull 
 skulls and horns. The enterprising English also own the 
 railroad of 23 miles' length to Caracas, charging the nomi- 
 nal rate of 11 cents a mile. Six million dollars was the esti- 
 mated cost of the road, raised by the sale of bonds in Eng- 
 land. It was a big feat of engineers' skill and of money 
 manipulation. It is not known how much of this sum went 
 into the road or fell by the wayside into somebody's pocket. 
 When I offered Venezuelan money to purchase my ticket, the 
 La Guayra bank refused it, just as if New York should 
 object to coin minted in Philadelphia, but my American Ex- 
 press checks were greedily grabbed. I bought a first-class 
 ticket, and found the conductors were not only coin, but 
 autograph-collectors as well. The police take your name 
 and treat you as a revolutionist. It is printed in the paper 
 and so they know who you are, when you start and arrive, 
 at what hotel you stop, all you do during the day and night 
 — even to your bath and wash-room — and when you depart. 
 Our first-class coach was represented by three professions 
 — Madam Warren's, a clergyman's and a drummer's. There 
 were three other astonishing things on this scenic railway 
 that ascends 3,000 feet to Caracas, and they should be put 
 in the class of Humboldt's discoveries here. One was native 
 women washing clothes and themselves in a stream, proving 
 the Venezuelans do sometimes wash ; another, the high-price 
 of a cheese-sandwich at Zig-Zag station ; and the third, an 
 auto road on which you are charged one fare to go up and 
 all they can hold you for to go down, should you be in a 
 hurry to make a ship. Four per cent beer doesn't make a 
 toper drunk, but the four per cent grade on this railway has 
 so intoxicated travelers that they have made the ugly, bar- 
 ren mountainside blossom with figures of speech, and the 
 sea to equal that one of "glass" which John saw in Revela- 
 tion dream. 
 
SEA SODOMS 111 
 
 Caracas ! The sun had gone to rest and I wanted to do 
 likewise, but where? There is not a first-class hotel in all 
 the city, yet what boots it — in a capital which boasts of 
 being the "Paris of South America" one must not expect 
 too much. However, I went to the remains of the Gran 
 Hotel I, had occupied 12 years before, i.e., it had been torn 
 down and the good pieces carted up the hill and put together. 
 I occupied the grand salon chamber, along with a grand 
 piano, tables, vases, statuary, pictures and two beds. The 
 hotel was a good choice for a clergyman, for I was the daily 
 companion of actresses, and the great bull-fighter, Chiquito 
 de Begona, from Madrid. The ear-mark of this matador 
 was a cute little pig-tail of hair he modishly wore, when out 
 of the ring, like a Sis Hopkins braid on the top of his pate. 
 It meant more to him than a laurel crown to Caesar, or a 
 halo to an angel. One actress had a very pleasant manner 
 in her address and dress, oft coming through the dining- 
 room from her bath in a gossamer habiliment which caused 
 Spanish comment and consternation that made eating im- 
 possible. Another buxom beauty paraded the patio with a 
 pet marmoset on her shoulder which always seemed to say, 
 "Don't you wash you could get next like me?" Thrice a day 
 did I meet the bull-thrower. He was brilliant in the bull- 
 ring but it was pathetic to see him try and stab a hunk of 
 bull rump steak in the dining-room. Often he gave up the 
 tough job in despair. Then I would reach over and smile, 
 shake hands with him, and he would give me folders of the 
 next bull-fight, which I silently stole away with and depos- 
 ited in the lavatory, that had amons: other serious defects no 
 distinction between "para senores" arid "senoras." 
 
 One early morn about 2 A. M., Gran Hotel guests were 
 awakened by the ululating voice of a man who stood at his 
 door by the patio and launched forth in profane invective 
 against the barking of a small dog that had disturbed him. 
 I knew there were actors here, but I am confident none ever 
 declaimed on the boards with such frenetic eloquence. 
 Aroused sleepers came forth aghast and saw him raise his 
 
 hand to the sky and shout, "Is it possible for a 
 
 dog in a hotel like this to make such a 
 
 noise? Is it possible to arouse little children, wives and 
 mothers from the arms of Morpheus, at such a time, in such 
 
112 SEA SODOMS 
 
 a city as Caracas? Caramba! Carrajo! C !" The 
 
 dog yelped, the cat mewed, the gold fish in the fountain 
 splashed their tails, the concierge cried, the guests mut- 
 tered, the echoes reverberated, the stars flashed — "Is it pos- 
 sible ! is it possible !" 
 
 CARACAS ABOMINATIONS 
 
 Caracas lies at a 3,000-foot "heir'evation above the sea. 
 The nerve center of the city is Plaza Bolivar, with an eques- 
 trian statue of the hero who stood for liberty, and around 
 which congregate people who stand for everything. Certain 
 "Carac"teristics make this a viva"city" and lubri"city." 
 The climate is cool, but tempered by the "melting" glance 
 of the bonita muchachas whose smiles would ripen peaches 
 on a wall. 
 
 The dapper younkers of the capital pursue their studies 
 at the University, and the senoritas on the highway. Their 
 "curriculum" also includes the race track, bull ring, roulette 
 wheel (as omnipresent as the Victoria coach-wheel) coarse 
 literature, of course, and art works, imported from Paris 
 and Barcelona, as vile and vivid as the paintings of Parrha- 
 sius. Even picture portraits of Beethoven and Wagner are 
 made by grouping together nude portions of female figures. 
 
 Lottery tickets are not the only things sold in town. 
 Mothers come to the Plaza with their daughters for sale. 
 Wantons from the suburb lupanars solicit under shadows of 
 the trees, and their "Hist ! hist" is as familiar as the sibilant 
 call of the'^^^es publiques in Paris, who figure so frequently 
 in the tales of De Kock, Sue and Maupassant. 
 
 At "Madame Gaby's" mansion of fornication I found 
 a girl scarcely 12 years old. How shocking! But one ex- 
 pects to be shocked in a city subject to earthquakes. Not 
 only pedestrians, but pederasts, i.e., "maricos" or "fairies," 
 haunt the streets and parks of Caracas. Powdered and 
 painted, they promenade with mincing gait and ogling 
 glance, marching to the music of the band and making 
 "overtures" to the bystanders. The police know of this dis- 
 gusting depravity, and of the bordel resorts "for men only," 
 but wink at it. This is as rank and rotten as anything I 
 
SEA SODOMS 113 
 
 ever saw in Algiers, or the Cairo ''fish market" where men, 
 dressed as women, prostitute themselves to unnatural lust. 
 
 In old Egypt the Temples of Isis were centers of sod- 
 omy. Though this vice was common in ancient Greece even 
 among her greatest orators and philosophers — "Socratic 
 love" being proverbial — and portrayed on the stage in the 
 plays of Aristophanes, the Athenians officially punished it 
 with death. There were regular places in Athens to find 
 this perversion known as the Porneia. Livy, in his History 
 of Rome, castigates this heresy of love. The Ganymede per- 
 vert, Geiton, is the hero of Petronius' sinister novel ''Satyri- 
 con." Martial's epigrams and Juvenal's satires flay this 
 moral decadence. Out from Naples I visited the island of 
 Capri where the Roman goat emperor, Tiberius, hired com- 
 panies of catamites for his entertainment. Caligula was a 
 man-lover and Nero publicly married a boy, Sporus by 
 name. Domitian forbade the prostitution of boys, while 
 Christianity did much to suppress it. The orgies of Helio- 
 gabalus are unthinkable and unmentionable. The ancient 
 Persians were addicted to this vice, as seen in many of the 
 odes of Hafiz addressed to youths. Modern Turks and Mos- 
 lems are born pederasts. The student of history knows the 
 infamous lives of Russian rulers, of Henry III, of France 
 in the 17th century, and of Paris under the Empire when 
 there were clubs and balls of sodomites. St. Paul scored 
 the Romans for this sin — what an epistle could he indite 
 against the Caracas "maricos" who amuse, instead of dis- 
 gust, the Caraquenians who seem to believe with Baudelaire 
 that ''La Debauche et la Mort sont deux amiables filles" 
 (Debauch and Death are two amiable girls). This foul 
 practice is common, too, among English drummers in the 
 British West Indies. 
 
 Coffee, cacao, cane, cattle, corn and illegitimate children 
 are the principal products of the country. At one tinie the 
 official census for three years in Caracas gave legitimate 
 births as 3,848, and illegitimate as 3,753. The ratio is even 
 worse in the country districts. A Venezuelan bachelor who 
 hasn't a half dozen mistresses, has lost caste, and is looked 
 down on; a married man is expected to run two or three 
 home establishments. Love is free, but drugs are costly. A 
 friend of mine in the interior had a dear motherly lady come 
 
114 SEASODOMS 
 
 to him and offer her three daughters for five dollars a week. 
 'Tis said Alexander the Great wanted to destroy the 
 antique town of Lampsachus because of its Priapus worship 
 and obscene rites. Caracas was overturned by an earth- 
 quake in 1812, when 12,000 people perished. If that was a 
 visitation of God's wrath on account of its wickedness, an- 
 other punishment is due, for it is in the class of the ''Cities 
 of the Plain"— 
 
 "Cities of hell, with foul desires demented. 
 
 And monstrous pleasures, hour by hour invented.'' 
 
 Simon Bolivar is a commanding figure in South Amer- 
 ican history, as is his equestrian statue in the Plaza bearing 
 his name. The horse rears on his hind legs as though 
 dancing and prancing to the splendid band that plays here 
 several times a week, and gives classical and popular pro- 
 grams. Simon fronts the "Yellow House" with a stern look 
 on his face as if disapproving of the yellow presidents who 
 have lived there. This statue of the Liberator is in bronze, 
 but "ironic" — there are many statues of him, yet no liberty 
 he stood for. Sometimes I mused on what this statue 
 thought, if it could think, of the crowds of dudes perambu- 
 lating about him on the mosaic pavement in their overcoats, 
 straw hats, with canes and cigarets — slaves to mere sense, 
 fashion and a dictator's whim. There are many night- 
 hawks hawking papers, lottery- tickets, dulces and chairs to 
 lounge in. When a constellation of ten thousand colored 
 electric lights flashes out, you imagine you are in fairyland ; 
 and in the cafes outside the Plaza you may partake of re- 
 freshments, beer; wine, coffee and chocolate much more 
 substantial than the diet of fairies. 
 
 FETING THE FRENCH 
 
 A grand ball was given at the Palace for a few French 
 officers of the "Jeanne D'Arc" battleship, at which the 
 wealth and beauty of Caracas was present. An ocean of 
 champagne was consumed — over 7,000 bottles. Poor old 
 women and children who tried to look in from the street 
 
Sea sodoms 115 
 
 were rudely beaten and lashed by the police. Next morning 
 after the banquet I saw people fight in the gutter for the 
 bread thrown out to them from the Palace windows. The 
 police are very valiant — they don't quell riots, arrest "mari- 
 cos," or public offenders against law and morals, but swoop 
 down on little newsboys and drag them off to jail if they 
 are having a playful fight in the street. 
 
 The day before the ball I watched the sparkling eyes 
 and watering mouths of the crowd as pastry-cooks came 
 along with cakes in carts, in arms and on their heads — 
 pastry more attractively and artistically designed than the 
 monotonous, ugly architecture of the houses by which they 
 passed. Wagon-loads of finest champagne stopped in front 
 of the Palace and were carried in. Long before the banquet 
 that night some of the waiters were carried out so full from 
 sampling the same, that they were unfit for service. It was 
 rumored if such a shocking thing happened again next day 
 at the ball, they would be thrown into prison. A number of 
 the guests at the banquet reached their autos with diffi- 
 culty, for there was almost enough hootch to float the 
 "Jeanne D'Arc." There were after-dinner speeches which 
 settled the stomach and let off the gas — speeches that began 
 by apologizing for what was to be said, and ended by justi- 
 fying the apology. At the ball the guests were so numerous 
 that the floors were propped up to avoid collapse during the 
 dance. The dress, electric-lighted band tower, eyes, and 
 diamonds made it a very brilliant affair. But I saw an un- 
 invited guest who danced, drank, ate, leaned on the bal- 
 conies, loitered, told love lies to handsome women, and es- 
 corted celebrities to their autos — he was there with the first 
 and was the last to go out. He got in in spite of all the 
 guards at the Palace entrances to keep strangers out. Who 
 was he? Surely you know, and have met him at grand 
 functions in your life — Monsieur Ennui. I exchanged this 
 pomp for a private cafe where some city bloods were quaf- 
 fing champagne with the French sailors. One of them hur- 
 rahed for Washington, another for La Fayette. I asked, 
 "What's the matter with Bolivar?" and they replied he was 
 all right; whereupon I proposed a toast to all three, and it 
 was accepted with a rousing smack of satisfaction. 
 
116 SEA SODOMS 
 
 BULLFIGHT AND RIOT 
 
 Portia told Nerissa that the Neapolitan prince talked 
 so much of his horse that she feared ''his mother had played 
 false with a smith." Caraquenians talk so much about the 
 bull that one is led to believe the women of Venezuela, like 
 Pasiphae, have fallen in love with Mr. Taurus. 
 
 The citizens are addicted to tauromachian pleasures — 
 they are bullfight fans. Street urchins were throwing his 
 bullship's picture everywhere, and Plaza squares and stores 
 were so filled with photos of matadors, that I wondered the 
 jealous President Gomez, chief "bull-thrower" of the repub- 
 lic, whose beatific face beams officially in every public 
 building of the country, did not order the fight pictures re- 
 moved and the fighters to prison. 
 
 January the sixth was "Dia de Reyes" (a church "day 
 of kings"), but also "Dia de Toros," for the bull was king. 
 Musical and literary Caracas dotes on bullfights, so I went 
 to find the mentally stimulating and morally refining influ- 
 ence I had experienced in Spain, Portugal, Mexico, Central 
 and South America. 
 
 At 4:30 in the afternoon I found myself in the Nuevo 
 Circo, one of the city's two bull-rings. On this holy holiday 
 the crowd expected better bulls and entertainment than 
 usual, but the "toros" advertised as "6 Magnificos, Bravos" 
 were neither, just "mucho malo" (very bad) , and "cobarde" 
 (cowards) . Not even the banderilleros could make the bull 
 mad — the only mad ones were the spectators. Capas, too, 
 proved ineffectual. The chief matador was Chiquito de 
 Begona, my table companion. He was as true with his 
 sharp "espada" as a crackshot with his rifle. When Mr. 
 Bull leaps into the ring, forgetting the grass and lady 
 friends of his pasture, and is fighting mad, Chiquito goes 
 for him and is master of all the arts of attack. He feints, 
 steps aside, skips with nimble feet, runs, jumps, and after 
 permission has been given, waves the red folds of the 
 "muleta" in the bull's face, then withdraws the sword, takes 
 steady aim, reaches forward, and thrusts it back of the 
 horns, between the shoulders, into his vitals. This is the 
 climax and provokes more applause than any play of Lope 
 de Vega. Men send salvos of "bravos," "vivas" and 
 
SEASODOMS 117 
 
 "buenas" rattling against the welkin, while lovely senoritas, 
 with Madonna-like eyes, shriek with delight, clap their 
 daintily-gloved hands, and wave perfumed handkerchiefs. 
 Harp-playing and hymn-singing, I fear, will prove palling 
 pleasures to the Venezuelan in heaven — if he ever gets there 
 — without an occasional bullfight. Taurus cashes in when 
 the '^cachetero" drives a blade back of his horns and severs 
 the spinal cord. 
 
 The symbol of Death is not the white horse of the Apoc- 
 alypse, but several drab mules that trot into the Circo, are 
 hitched to the dead body of the bull, and jerk this beef out, 
 not to funereal music, but to the jazz of the arena band. 
 There were other interested spectators hovering around- 
 big vultures that watched the carcass of the horned gladi- 
 ator as it was placed in the shed, skinned and cut up to be 
 sold next day in the market. 
 
 The old Chinese executioner who failed to "get" his 
 man with the first sword stroke was punished ; the matador 
 who does not bring his big game down to the mat with the 
 second stroke, at least, is hooted and cursed by the crowd. 
 Imagine then, when the matador, Pepe Mora, making his 
 debut, and who had been advertised as "valiente," fell down, 
 not only when he missed Bos several times, but literally 
 when he tripped, bit the dust and the bull wiped his feet on 
 him. "Bravo toro, bully for the bull," I shouted. The grin- 
 ning of the mob chagrined him, — he limped to the arena 
 fence, posed picturesquely, drew a handkerchief from his 
 pocket and wept. His tears drew more jeers from the peo- 
 ple who thought he was more of an artist with pen and 
 brush than with "espada." However, Chiquito came to his 
 rescue and relieved the bull by killing it. 
 
 The next dramatis persona was a persona non grata 
 bull who sauntered in indifferently. The educated audience 
 knew at a glance he was unequal to the occasion, and in- 
 stantly and insistently demanded a "nuevo toro." But the 
 master of ceremonies turned a deaf ear to the howls of the 
 populace, and what they called him wouldn't even look good 
 in Spanish. When a Venezuelan grows vituperative and 
 sarcastic, his mouth becomes a Cloaca Maxima, a Paris 
 sewer. One sweet youth near me hurled a chair into the 
 ring, along with his curses. This sign of disapprobation 
 
118 SEASODOMS 
 
 induced an arm of the law to reach out with his club and 
 smite him on the occiput. At this stage of the performance 
 entered Pandemonium. Here, as elsewhere, the police are 
 not very popular, and attention was diverted from the bull 
 to the official who had struck the young man. 
 
 Now sprang into the arena one who had waxed exceed- 
 ing wroth, perdy. He strode dramatically to the box of the 
 official "ayuntamiento," raised his voice and arms, and 
 pleaded for a new bull. All this while the old one stood 
 nearby, wondering what he wanted and why the show 
 didn't go on. 
 
 It was too late. The crowd took the part of the boy, 
 and to prove their love for him and hate for the manage- 
 ment, started to break up the entertainment in most ad- 
 mired disorder by smashing chairs and benches, throwing 
 them into the arena, and ripping up the roof and floor. Riot 
 waved her enchanted wand over all, and the mob roared like 
 maniacs. 
 
 And who was the innocent cause of all this ? The bull, 
 who stood still in the center of the Circo, looking on at the 
 turn of affairs that had made him spectator with pitying 
 eye, and on the infuriated madmen around. Was he rumi- 
 nating on the philosopher's statement that beasts may some- 
 times degenerate into men? 
 
 It was growing dark. As the crowd surged through 
 the gates it took revenge on the authorities, who had given 
 them a small show for big money, by bombarding the elec- 
 tric lights and colored glass windows with bricks and stones. 
 Why didn't the police and soldiers stop them? Because it 
 might have fanned the spark of riot into revolution. As it 
 was, a prominent man told me it only lacked some fiery 
 Danton to lead them on to desperate deeds. I escaped the 
 eruption of stones from this human volcano which caused 
 about $25,000 damage. 
 
 Two days later I attended a bullfight at the Metropoli- 
 tano Circo which began at 9 P. M. Soldiers and guards were 
 stationed every few feet around the arena to quell any incip- 
 ient riot. But it was unnecessary, everything was done in 
 decency and order. Here the bull did his best to please 
 everybody — one of them going so far as to rise from appa- 
 
SEASODOMS 119 
 
 rent death and stagger half way round the ring before being 
 despatched a second time. 
 
 DEAD GAME SPORTS 
 
 For embruting and dementalizing people, the bullfight 
 is unsurpassed. This is the "sport" district of the city, and 
 if this pleasure prove too disgusting, you may drop into one 
 of the many roulette, baccarat and roue dens, take a chance, 
 and lose your money and morals. To gratify his appetite 
 is the noble ambition of the Caracas youth, who is an inde- 
 fatigable rake. I found him in slums, as well as in higher 
 circles, and wondered why, when the inmates offered so 
 little artistic attraction. Through barred windows I looked 
 into dives of ephemeral and still-born loves. The occupants 
 ranged from girls young in sin to antique strumpets, vet- 
 erans in harlotry. All of them, like the "cochero," hired 
 by the hour, and all condemned to a life of pleasure. I heard 
 music that was not music, saw torso contortion that was 
 not dancing, and wondered how they could make a living 
 with their 16th degree of mediocrity. Distance lends en- 
 chantment to the view. One might as well have a tete-a-tete 
 with a Fury, as with these beldames. On one of the walls, 
 instead of the motto, "God bless our hom.e," I noticed the 
 painted, cabalistical number "666." However, such signs 
 are not unusual, you find them on the corners of the main 
 streets. 
 
 Gambling is not only a pleasure, but a business with the 
 Caraquenian. Baccarat, roulette and other games are car- 
 ried on from the high-toned Cosmos and Venezuelan Clubs, 
 to rag-tag resorts around markets, bull-rings, low taverns 
 and "posadas." To this wide-spread gambling spirit is 
 added, not only the lottery drawings of Venezuela, but of 
 Madrid. Like Rhampsinitus, the citizens of Caracas would 
 go to hell to play dice with Ceres. 
 
 The serpent in the "Paradise" valley winds itself 
 around the race-course. A concourse of people comes to this 
 hippodrome, not so much to see the horses run as to gamble 
 on the race, privately in the stand, or publicly in the Paris- 
 Mutuel booth. They all do it, the rich woman with dia- 
 
120 SEASODOMS 
 
 monds, lace and silk fluttering about the grandstand, and 
 the poor man perched in the bleachers. No matter what 
 horse runs it is always safe to bet on Dictator Gomez's horse, 
 for whether fast or slow, it generally comes first under the 
 wire. There is a reason. One Sunday there was a near- 
 riot, because, although one horse had won the race, the 
 judges awarded the prize to the steed of Gomez. The races 
 are a society event and I saw some of the leaders, including 
 two black-robed buzzard clerics roosting near the betting 
 booth. Later I met a private chauffeur, who takes the 400 
 out, and he gave in sotto voce some of their private, piquant 
 history. I met the Dictator's brother, a uniformed official 
 at the head of this race sport, v/ho has the reputation of 
 being faster than any horse that ever ran. The only thing 
 that ever approached his speedy gait v/as a woman pointed 
 out to me whom he pays so many thousand bolivars a 
 month. His cockalorum brother, Gomez, runs to fighting 
 cocks. Would you make him a lasting friend, and be re- 
 membered in his prayers, send him a thoroughbred rooster. 
 Gomez loves this sport and is its chief promoter and pro- 
 tector, the foster-father of this fine art. In my journey from 
 Caracas to Valencia I stopped at a station where much of 
 the space was devoted to spacious coops for the care of this 
 national bird. At Maracay, his official residence, most of 
 the valuable express packages were crates of cocks, in red 
 flannel sacks, shipped down from the capital to entertain the 
 French sailors who were to be his guests. There are other 
 marks of this "bloody business" besides what you see at 
 bull-ring or cock-pit. If you are not sated with six bulls 
 killed in the arena, go to the abattoir where 50 are killed 
 daily, and you may have the pleasure of seeing these goring 
 creatures slip and slide around in their own gore, and hear 
 them bellow with pain. Delightful! Just to give them a 
 little fun before they are slaughtered, the boys tease and 
 torture them in a sort of improvised bullfight outside the 
 shambles. The odor was ad noseam, and not being without 
 a nose like About's notary hero, I sought to disinfect it at 
 cigaret and tobacco factories, and then to get away from the 
 nicotine and be sweet, visited a chocolate factory. Caracas 
 had some good revolutions while I was here — in the cotton- 
 mill machinery, but unless the workers receive more than 
 
SEASODOMS 121 
 
 60c a day I fear they will cause a revolution that will stop 
 the works. 
 
 "PRIESTIFEROUS'^ VENEZUELA 
 
 Venezuelan men are not religious — they do not believe 
 in God, truth or virtue. A young man told me his life was 
 better than his priest's, and he wouldn't need any services 
 until he was dying, if then. As to the women, the old go 
 to church regularly, and the young so long as their clothes 
 are new, throwing themselves into the arms of religion with 
 the same ardor as they do into the arms of their lovers. 
 The clergy are devoted to their church in the spirit of Leo X, 
 who said, "Since God has given us the Papacy, let us en- 
 joy it." 
 
 Roman Catholicism, the state religion of Venezuela, 
 South America, is in a very bad state. All Gaul was divided 
 into three parts ; so is Venezuela's fetich faith — corrupt in 
 doctrine, worship and practise — which is positively rotten, 
 comparatively rottener and superlatively rottenest. 
 
 Like priest and president — like people. President Go- 
 mez, who divides his state functions between the cockpit, 
 race-track and palace harem, is a government usurper, god- 
 less perverter, and the favorite child of Papa Pope who has 
 loaded him down with enough clerical honors, toys and 
 badges to last to the end of his life. 
 
 Church and state are Siamese twins. The church re- 
 ceives money and protection from the government. Union 
 of church and state is unscriptural and incestuous, and has 
 always had a damaging and damning influence in both re- 
 ligion and politics. To use the figure of Tom Paine, who 
 knew more of religion and liberty than some of his detrac- 
 tors, this union engenders a sort of mule animal capable 
 only of destroying, and which, in f#rm of persecution, kicks 
 at other religions. 
 
 The authorities "tolerate" Protestantism, but do not 
 allow it any outward manifestations. At La Guayra, re- 
 cently, the fanatic Custom House head destroyed many 
 Protestant pamphlets, and by unjust fees and exorbitant 
 fines attempted to rob a Protestant missionary, but was 
 
122 SEASODOMS 
 
 thwarted by the U. S. minister at Caracas. Custom and 
 Immigration officials are very strict for fear ideas of 
 justice and liberty may be smuggled in. The city of 
 Valencia is so bigoted that there is no room for anything 
 but a Roman church. In the Cathedral there I read a pla- 
 card posted on one of the pillars which declared that it was 
 one of the "permanent intentions" of this church to drive 
 Freemasonry out of Venezuela. However, the most pre- 
 vailing and prominent notice in all the churches is to the 
 effect that the worshippers should refrain from expectorat- 
 ing and defecating on church premises. In Venezuela dirti- 
 ness is next to godliness. 
 
 In La Guayra there is a cathedral built from the pro- 
 ceeds of lottery tickets. Men go to church from motives of 
 gallantry, not of God. At Caracas I saw men lined up out- 
 side of a church to ogle the senoritas as they came out. This 
 custom is so flagrant in Valencia that there is a printed 
 warning in the Cathedral admonishing the senores not to 
 flirt with the girls during the service. Very wicked, of 
 course, but what about the ''fathers" who make the church, 
 not only a "meeting" house, but a house of assignation, of 
 pollution, not prayer? Not long since in Caracas a high 
 churchman was put in the penitentiary for wronging a 
 young girl in the confessional. This created a sensation, 
 for outside the capital the dissoluteness of the padres is so 
 common as to excite little or no comment. One evening in 
 church at Caracas the kind father requested those who lin- 
 gered to leave, as he was closing the building. I was the 
 last to go away. .As I went out I saw the shadow of a young 
 woman pass by the confessional, — she remained with her 
 "spiritual" advisor. 
 
 In Porto Rico I met a prominent doctor who told me of 
 a case brought to his attention he was urged to hush up — 
 that of a Venezuelan priest convicted of unChristly conduct 
 with one of his flock. He was ordered by his superior to 
 leave on the next boat for Venezuela. The niorning of the 
 second day out he disappeared, but on searching the boat 
 he was found hidden in the cabin of a young girl. The cap- 
 tain dragged him out, kicked him "below decks," and turned 
 him over to the authorities on his arrival at Venezuela. This 
 
SEASODOMS 123 
 
 vulpine shepherd of his flock can only be fittingly described 
 by a Moliere, Scarron or Machiavelli. 
 
 In the capital one may see any day armies of black- 
 skirted, scoop-shovel-hatted padres, caricatures of Chris- 
 tianity, smoking cigarets, carrying silver-headed canes, and 
 marching down the streets to the jangle of the church bells. 
 In rich vestments — not threadbare like their religion — these 
 consummate cheats promenade in the cathedrals, muttering 
 holy gibberish and talking magnificent nonsense. Their re- 
 ligion, like some others, has a diarrhoea of words and a con- 
 stipation of ideas. Their faces carry an air of beatified 
 stupidity and a double chin. They have the general appear- 
 ance of those Montesquieu describes, "who are never done 
 discussing religion, but who seem at the same time to con- 
 tend as to who shall observe it least." 
 
 On the streets one runs across many brown-robed 
 friars, who recall Voltaire's definition of a Capuchin: "A 
 two-legged he-goa . .en with ignorance, filth and vermin, 
 who sings through his nose inside of his monastery and 
 shows himself abroad to the edification of old women and 
 the terror of little children." The wisdom of the Venezu- 
 elan priests is very much like that of the monk described by 
 the French satirist, About, which "consisted in eating four 
 big meals a day, and in managing prudently never to be 
 more than half -drunk. He was, altogether, one of the very 
 best monks of his order." 
 
 Caracas has churches enough for all South America, 
 and the worshippers are most devout. I found them Sunday 
 at cockpits, bullfights, roulette tables, sporting-houses and 
 on the street-corners buying lottery-tickets. The city has 
 more churches and less Christianity than any city I know 
 of. The priests hate the Masons, who have a temple here 
 and a membership of 1,000, yet they are the biggest "shrin- 
 ers" I ever saw. Shrines are not confined to the cathedrals 
 — you see them on street-corners and in public markets. 
 Religious images are tacked up at the entrance of slaughter- 
 houses, cigaret-factories and cotton-mills. Shop-windows 
 are full of sacred charms, and I noticed shelves filled with 
 crucifixes and chamber-pots, side by side. How beautiful! 
 All women wear crosses, and the crucifix is met with in the 
 palace of the rich and the boudoir of the frail. It also makes 
 
124 SEASODOMS 
 
 up part of the furniture of the government public schools — 
 schools few and far between, 80 per cent of Venezuela's 
 population being illiterate. 
 
 What fools these mortals be ! To illustrate the abysmal 
 ignorance into which the people have fallen: I entered a 
 church where there was pointed out a statue of Christ that 
 spoke at certain times, and the body of a saint, said to have 
 been dead several hundred years, still fresh and intact. The 
 beadle lit a candle, pulled a curtain aside and showed it to 
 me. If seeing is believing, why, of course this proved it. 
 The Indians of the country believe in witchcraft, and that 
 certain trees of the forest talk about Easter time. Not a 
 year ago in the island of Margarita, which belongs to Ven- 
 ezuela, an old woman was allowed to die ^'without the aid 
 of a physician," because they said she was bewitched. 
 
 In one church I saw a piece of rock from the Grotto of 
 Lourdes. It was encased in glass that it might not be worn 
 away by the devout kisses of the faithful. I noticed one 
 deluded woman osculate it in the hope of being cured. What 
 a shame to waste passionate kisses on old relics ! 
 
 The Chaldeans spent thousands of talents' worth of 
 frankincense in celebrating the festival of the gold statue 
 of JupiteT ; Venezuelans have money to burn daily for their 
 equally pagan worship. I thought if some of the money 
 were spent in the book store across the street from the main 
 Cathedral to buy Montesquieu's ^'Persian Letters," a mor- 
 dant satire on the church that bites to the bone, there would 
 be hope for a sane, sincere, spiritual service of God. 
 
 In the United States the Roman Catholic church has 
 invested millions in the movies to proselyte sap-headed 
 Protestants. The "moving" picture one could show of Ro- 
 manism in Venezuela would rouse the Christian citizen of 
 America to rise and resist the "priestiferous" propaganda 
 which seeks to turn our country into a kingdom of darkness, 
 like Venezuela, and make it the Benighted States. 
 
 HIGHBROW NOTES 
 
 I visited the old Cathedral and the thing I especially 
 liked about it was "The Last Supper" painted on the wall, 
 
SEASODOMS 125 
 
 the unfinished masterpiece of Michelena, a Caracas artist 
 who died at 30. The city boasts a living artist, Tito Salao, 
 whom I saw on the street and at the races. He was dressed 
 like any other dandy and one would never guess his genius 
 from his appearance. Speaking of artists, reminds me of 
 Theresa Carreno, the noted pianist born here whom I heard 
 in concert in the U. S. Her life seemed principally set to a 
 poco agitato tempo. At nine, when she should have been 
 thinking of a pillow, not a piano-case, and snoring sheet 
 music, she appeared in concert in New York. L. M. Gott- 
 schalk took pains to teach her many of his compositions. 
 She doubtless understood harmony, but not in matrimonial 
 life, for she was divorced three times, thus sustaining her 
 reputation as a vigorous and brilliant performer. She com- 
 posed the Venezuelan national hymn and a number of piano 
 solos. 
 
 Frequently as I passed down the streets I paused to 
 hear some girls sing, or practise on the piano, and wished 
 they would only practise virtue with as much gusto. Their 
 mothers are Argus-eyed duennas, and in the words of About 
 speak thus wisely: ''Keep the straight path in life, my 
 daughter, and don't allow yourself to fall; or, if the fates 
 absolutely decide that such misfortune shall reach you, be 
 very careful to fall upon a rosewood bed." 
 
 Let us now betake ourselves to the market which fills 
 the bill of gustative content. The flowers and pineapples are 
 wonderful, and you can buy a fruit or vegetable from A avo- 
 cado to Z zapote. Occasionally you find an apple but it is an 
 imported luxury and very scarce. The 40,000 volumes of the 
 Library furnish mental pabulum, yet compared with the 
 market, the building was deserted as Goldsmith's village. 
 In the adjoining museum the curator is as antique and inter- 
 esting as any of the relics. The art gallery has a few fairly 
 good canvasses, if there was only good light to see them by. 
 I found more people in the hospital on the hill than in these 
 classic halls. It is conducted by the Sisters, and the most 
 popular ward was for the syphilitic patients. A leading 
 physician of Caracas, whom I visited one day, gave me some 
 horrifying statistics. As he walked the streets he pointed 
 out different afflicted men, women and children, told of the 
 
126 SEASODOMS 
 
 rottenness of high, rich society and of degenerate mothers 
 who tried to sell their daughters to the highest bidders. 
 
 If one may judge of a shop by the work turned out, we 
 know what to expect in the school buildings from the ''schol- 
 ars" on the street. I entered so-called public schools, held 
 in small private buildings, and others with larger classes. 
 The teachers apologized for small classes, saying the holi- 
 days interfered with regular work. I went to schools "high" 
 and low where they were studying books, singing songs, 
 making mats, learning to draw from casts, to cook or type- 
 write — but all appeared to be in crowded quarters, the 
 pupils listless and the work shiftless. There is too much 
 education for the feet at fetes and balls, and too little for 
 the heads. Education is not with them as with us the main 
 thing, as statistics of their illiteracy prove. The difference 
 between North and South America is the difference between 
 our schools and educational ideals. With U. S. it is the 
 essential thing, with them the least. But here the Devil 
 whispers in my ear, saying the savages on the banks of the 
 Orinoco act no worse than the educated civilized people in 
 U. S. and Europe did during the last four years. 
 
 Why learn to write anyway? Charlemagne and Alfred 
 the Great didn't know how, and still they became famous 
 and successful. As Churchill, the English satirist, says — 
 
 "Accurs'd the man whom fate ordains, in spite 
 And cruel parents teach, to read and write. 
 What need of letters ? Wherefore should we spell ? 
 Why write our names ? A mark will do as well." 
 
 Caracas has many newspapers, mostly paper, little 
 news. One of our sheets would accommodate all that ''El 
 Universal" carried for a month. The editors are as craven- 
 white cowards as the paper they write on. The press is but 
 the diary of what the President and family are doing, where 
 they are going and whence returning. Alluring ads of ciga- 
 rets, lotteries, emulsions, quack medicines, movies and 
 liquors are scrambled in with physician's ads and funeral 
 notices, together with steamship sailings and arrival and 
 departure of passengers. The front page is given over to 
 poetical lucubrations, schoolboy essays, and emanations 
 
S E A S O D O M S • 127 
 
 generally of the decadent school. While here the principal 
 news I could get from the U. S. was a Los Angeles domestic 
 scandal featured on the front page. You may write about 
 Tolstoi or Piere Loti, but any word about politics, or the 
 suggestion of one who might be a good successor to the 
 President, is strictly tabu and will be rewarded with a 
 prison sentence. A cartoon of Gomez, such as any nation 
 makes of her public men, would be lese-majeste, a sin 
 worthy of death. Glancing at these newspapers, one won- 
 ders why printing was invented, yet on the train I saw a 
 man spend an hour poring over their pages as if they con- 
 tained the philosophy of life, death and immortality in a 
 nutshell. Come to think of it, 'tis a good thing the majority 
 of the Venezuelan inhabitants are illiterate and can't read 
 these dailies. 
 
 FEET OF CLAY 
 
 At the banquet given the French officers of the ''Jeanne 
 D'Arc" — some say France sent this mission hers to unload 
 one of her old war-tubs on Venezuela — the first thing on 
 the menu was the ''Cocktail Bolivar." When they name 
 cigars and cocktails after you, you are a great man, Simon 
 was born in Caracas 1783, and married before he was 20. 
 His wife died within a year afterwards which naturally led 
 him to think of freedom and to say her death placed him in 
 the road of politics, causing him to follow the chariot of 
 Mars instead of the plough of Ceres. . He never married 
 again, but was one of the "great" fathers of his country, 
 according to the number of his anonymous children. Like 
 George Washington, whose statue is in one of the city's 
 plazas, he had the reputation of being quite a lady-killer 
 and dividing his time between making war and love. The 
 greatest thing he did was to throw off the Spanish yoke 
 from the neck of the people in Venezuela, Colom.bia, Ecua- 
 dor, Peru and Bolivia, and become their president. Bolivar 
 was finally rewarded by his countrym.en by being driven 
 into banishment. He was betrayed by one of his friends 
 and most effective aides. General Paez, who also ordered 
 Bolivar's secretary, Guzman, to be shot. Yet in the recent 
 
128 • SEA SOD CMS 
 
 unveiling of Bolivar's statue in New York, the great grand- 
 daughters of Paez participated in the exercises. It is to 
 larf ! Bolivar betrayed Miranda, one of Venezuela's "great" 
 men, and Paez was later sent into exile by Guzman Blanco, 
 a tyrant whom the people grew so tired of that when he 
 went to Paris as a commercial drummer to peddle conces- 
 sions and have a good time, the inhabitants amused them- 
 selves by knocking down all his statues in Caracas. Fine 
 examples of political Judases to set up as inviolable apostles 
 for schoolboys to worship. Like all heroes, these statuesque 
 demigods have feet of clay. The farther you get away from 
 them the sweeter they are. Miranda was the first to seek 
 freedom for Venezuela. Though he served under Wash- 
 ington in the Revolutionary War, he was accused of follow- 
 ing Napoleon more than G. W. He had amours with the 
 Empress of Russia, was tried in France for losing a battle, 
 later was accused of treason by Bolivar, and ended his life 
 in prison near Gibraltar. Paez was a dictator himself after 
 whipping the Spaniards. As for Guzman Blanco he was a 
 sort of conceited czar. Castro had the morals of a goat and 
 used public office for private graft. Gomez, the present 
 mogul, inherits and practises some of the meanest traits of 
 rise and say, "WE will make you free," and then become 
 themselves the worst of taskmasters. For over a hundred 
 years Venezuela's history has been a melodrama of treach- 
 all his predecessors. It is the old, sad story of men who 
 ery, rebellion and conspiracy, at which the world smiles 
 sarcastically. Sometimes we damn the people, but they are 
 merely following the examples of misconduct, venality, 
 squandering and vice set by their rulers. Venezuelans en- 
 shrine the memory of these men in marble form Vv^thin the 
 silent death hall of their beautiful Pantheon. Bolivar, 
 Miranda and Paez — a dictator triumvirate — so sweet and 
 lovely among themselves in life, in death are not divided. 
 
 I followed an auto procession to the Pantheon and saw 
 the French officers place a wreath on the tomb of Miranda, 
 the man their nation accused of treason and expelled from 
 France. They then went to the house of Bolivar to pay 
 their respects at his birthplace — Bolivar, a friend of the 
 "Little Corporal" who was an enemy to the Republican 
 France these officers represented. This birthplace shrine 
 
SEASODOMS 129 
 
 of the Liberator looks like a jail outside with its great stud- 
 ded doors and barred windows. Bolivar was born here 
 July 24, 1783, of a rich family, but did not enjoy any of the 
 conveniences found here today. Mosaic floors and furnish- 
 ings are all modern. I am always most respectful to a 
 guide, listen to what he says, and look at what he points out, 
 yet I doubt whether the early Simon ever saw the things 
 displayed here. However, the most interesting objects had 
 nothing to do with Bolivar — I refer to the pictures of Ven- 
 ezuela's ''gran pintor," Tito Salao. 
 
 Ardent lovers of liberty, who wish to trace every step 
 of the great Liberator's march, should go to the Museum 
 on the Plaza Bolivar, the holy of holies, and view his socks 
 and shoes. The scholarly curator of the museum, Senor 
 Witzke, a 33rd degree Mason, could not conduct us around 
 because he lay dead in his home, but through the request of 
 an ex-minister, whom I had met on shipboard, permission 
 was granted to have the Museum open and we were shown 
 about by a sub-curator. He opened the windows for light, 
 and removed the coverings from the glass cases that held 
 the relics, and of which a writer says, 'They have been 
 religiously preserved for the inspiration of the people." 
 Here, as at other patriotic shrines, it is difficult to get in, 
 or see anything after you do, so how or when the people 
 receive "inspiration" it is hard to say. We saw many 
 "Boliviana." The general was a great letter-writer and 
 there are many specimens of his handwriting, and you are 
 shown his writing desks, chests, revolvers, swords, books, 
 papers, B.V.D.'s, hats, coats, pants, pall and coffin. Mor- 
 tuary wreaths, medals and memorials from other countries 
 adorn the walls. But what you see when you first enter the 
 museum, and when you go out, is the sublime mug of Presi- 
 dent Gomez, the man who is doing all he can to undo all 
 that Bolivar fought for. Because Bolivar wrote epistles to 
 George Washington and visited Mt. Vernon, it does not 
 necessarily follow that one must praise everything Ven- 
 ezuelan, think everything good at Caracas, look upon the 
 President as a saint, abuses as principles, and approve pro- 
 ceedings of a government that doesn't proceed at all. 
 
 The worst spot in Venezuela is the despot dictator, 
 President Gomez. His authority is absolute, with the ac- 
 
130 SEASODOMS 
 
 cent on the "loot." He takes what he wants ; a man's per- 
 sonal property, his wife or his daughter. Dark stories make 
 him a modern Bluebeard. He is a moral and physical leper. 
 Rumor says he sacrifices children and drinks their blood to 
 cure his maladies. Gomez is the government, the legislative, 
 executive and judicial branches consisting of the cockpit, 
 race-track and palace harem. His personal and public 
 character is so putrid that many of the people would like to 
 elect him president of a guano island, Vvdth a salary in guano. 
 In the land of Bolivar, the Liberator, Gomez, muzzles the 
 press, suppresses free speech, has an army of spies, and has 
 imprisoned some of the best and brainiest men in Venezuela 
 in horrible dungeons for the crime of loving liberty. You 
 may do what you please — drink, gamble at races and at rou- 
 lette tables, play the lottery, attend cock and bullfights, 
 seduce, kill, steal, and solicit in public plazas to Sodom sins 
 — so long as you keep your hands off the government. I 
 was repeatedly told that Castro, now older and sobered, 
 would be a welcome exchange for godless Gomez. They 
 said Castro was a brave soldier, that he rode about unat- 
 tended, didn't hide himself away from the capital or sur- 
 round himself with soldiers. Revolution talk is in the air. 
 The chasm between rich and poor is too wide. The Ven- 
 ezuelans who would like to precipitate a revolution are not 
 all exiles in England and other countries. Guizot . said, 
 "There is a degree of bad government which the people, 
 great or small, enlightened or ignorant, will no longer en- 
 dure." 
 
 MUCHO DISGUSTO! 
 
 Caracas is rich in spacious palaces of amusement, such 
 as the Municipal Theatre and National Opera House, but 
 was poor in entertainment during my visit, the latter place 
 being empty and the former turned into a movie house. 
 Guzman Blanco's reign was not a blank. With his magic 
 wand he separated the church from the state it had robbed, 
 touched a Carmelite monastery, transforming it into the 
 University, and where the convent was, placed the Federal 
 Palace which is. It possesses a big, beauteous, barn-like 
 
SEASODOMS 131 
 
 hall, with elliptical ceiling, frescoes, and a panorama of the 
 great battle of Carobobo, 1821, when the Venezuelans gave 
 the Spaniards an uppercut that knocked them out of the 
 ring. This is the only way I care to watch a battle, yet even 
 then you risk breaking your neck in looking up at it. There 
 are portraits of leading Generals who peer out from frames 
 on the walls like so many cannon from a fort. These great 
 friends of their country were opposed to each other, and if 
 they could only come down from their frames there would 
 be a fight on the old creaky floor chat would make the war 
 panorama overhead seem a peaceful Quaker prayer-meet- 
 ing. Venezuelan heroes were generally bloody butchers, in 
 the bull-ring or on the battle-field. Let illustrious battle- 
 scene artists splash their red paint on the canvas and try 
 and make us laud and applaud, yet what old Tom Hood 
 wrote gives a more truthful picture : "War, disguise it as 
 we may under all its 'pride, pomp and circumstance,' is but 
 a great wholesale executioner. Its horrors would be un- 
 endurable but for the dazzling Bengal Light called Glory 
 that we cast on its deluge of blood and tears ; but for the 
 gorgeous flags we wave, like veils, before its grim and fero- 
 cious features — and the triumphant clangor of martial mu- 
 sic with which we drown its shrieks and groans. A battle 
 is a butchery. Faugh! the place smells of a shambles!" 
 This prison-like room is only opened occasionally. I paid my 
 guide and when he locked the door I wished the war spirit 
 which animated these old murderers could be shut up as 
 easily. 
 
 In Independence Hall, 1811, rang out a declaration that 
 chimed with the sentiment of our own Liberty Bell in Phil- 
 adelphia, when a band of Venezuelans met here and pro- 
 claimed themselves free from Spain. Now couples come 
 here to get a wedding license to wear the yoke of matrimony. 
 This convent corner, where the Roman Catholic church had 
 a graft corner on girls and gold, is now headquarters for 
 civic law and order, for we find it used as a municipal court, 
 police headquarters and the place where licenses are granted 
 for marriages and records kept of birth and death. The 
 banns are published on a bulletin bo/ird outside. Within is 
 hung a part of the banner Pizarro carried in his conquest 
 of Peru. Isabella's dainty fingers worked it with gold em- 
 
132 SEASODOMS 
 
 broidery, the rough hands of robber soldiers bore it aloft, 
 while in the name of the pure "Prince of Peace** this flag 
 was stained with murder, cruelty, atrocity, lust and avarice 
 which, were it able to float forever from the highest peak 
 of the Andes, in the clearest air of heaven, could never be 
 purified. 
 
 I saw the prison walls, towers and guards, but gave all 
 a wide berth lest the guards be mind-readers and thrust me 
 behind the bars with some of the best men in the city, whose 
 crime was that they had a mind and thought, a tongue and 
 talked, and a pen to write for right and freedom. 
 
 In Caracas I ran into Dr. Demmer, alias Dr. Albert, 
 the famous German spy, plotter and propagandist in Amer- 
 ica during the war. He told me how he escaped from New 
 Orleans into Mexico, after having a hand in the destruction 
 of several munition factories in the East; how in Mexico 
 City he stole Ambassador Fletcher's code book which en- 
 abled him to destroy a score of ships ; how he was ''shang- 
 haied" on an English boat off Mexico, the captain telling him 
 to look at some fever patients and then chaining him and 
 clapping him into a coffin-like box till the ship arrived in 
 England, where he was sent to the Tower. He showed me 
 the marks of the thumbscrews on his fingers, and depicted 
 the atrocities committed on him while there. The day set 
 for his execution he was let out by the Mexican minister, 
 since he was born in the German Legation in Mexico. He 
 further related how he was placed in an English detention 
 camp, how he escaped into France, thence into Germany, 
 and finally to Venezuela. He is a scientist, philosopher, 
 mathematician, writer, teacher and lecturer, and is private 
 physician to President Gomez and his "court." He is not 
 allowed to leave Venezuela, but expects to return to Mexico. 
 He is planning to publish a story of his life. 
 
 It is a general impression that with the statue of our 
 George Washington in Caracas and a memorial monument 
 for U. S. soldiers in Puerto Cabello, with our government's 
 aid under Cleveland in the hour of need, together with the 
 investment of American gold in the Maracaibo oil fields, 
 Venezuela likes America and would be glad to give us a 
 square deal or show us favors. The following incident 
 scarcely illustrates her affection. I met a young American 
 
SEASODOMS 133 
 
 salesman who came to the Gran Hotel after being ejected 
 from another hotel where he had been kept "incommuni- 
 cado" for a day, by order of President Gomez' son-in-law, 
 whose wife imagined he had shown her some slight or in- 
 sult. He was only released on word from the President 
 himself at Maracay who ordered him to leave the country 
 on the first ship. Why? What unmanly, un-American, 
 un-Venezuelan thing had he done? Listen. He told me 
 that some time before while walking in the plaza, a haughty- 
 faced woman stared at him from head to foot through her 
 lorgnette in a patronizing and insulting manner every time 
 he passed by her. Finally, he raised his cane, placed it to 
 his eye, and returned her stare. Enough ! A few days later 
 when he was drinking in a cafe, and slightly under the 
 influence of altitude and liquor, he was arrested and locked 
 up in his hotel. A frame-up story was circulated that he 
 had attempted to break into the mansion of the President's 
 son-in-law. This sad tale teaches us not to go to Caracas, 
 or if we do, and carry a cane, to be very careful at whose 
 wife we look at. A cat may look at a king, but here even a 
 king must be careful how he looks at a cat lest his eyes be 
 scratched out. 
 
 St. Anthony in the Thebaid was never more tempted by 
 the devil, who offered him riches, than I was here at the 
 plaza when I was approached by a man who wanted me to 
 go into partnership with him and smuggle opium into Trini- 
 dad. I know this was a legitimate business venture, and 
 from what I had seen there, that the people would like to 
 go to sleep and forget they were compelled to live there, but 
 so far in my life I have successfully resisted the temptation 
 to make money, and trust I ever may. 
 
 The stranger sees many strange things in Venezuela 
 — a tree that gives milk, another that burns like a candle, 
 one that gives oil for lamps — strange laws, customs, pleas- 
 ures, business (stores are open on Sunday, and every other 
 day is a holiday), but one of the strangest things is the 
 fact you can't buy stamps at the postoffice. 
 
 The Arch of Liberty and Federation crowns a hill in 
 the city. You may climb there to obtain a view of the 
 mountains around, but do not go for a close-up view of the 
 statuesque figures which grace and disgrace the arch, for 
 
134 SEASODOMS 
 
 they are so ill-shaped and ugly they must have been made 
 from actual living Caracas models. They are a beautiful 
 embodiment of Schopenhauer's idea of the "fair sex," v^hich 
 he calls an "undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped 
 and short-legged race." It was near the race-track, how- 
 ever, that I saw the best-looking Venezuelan woman — naked 
 and standing in the top of a palm tree. She is a bronze 
 statue erected in 1911 to commemorate the centennial of 
 the declaration of Venezuelan independence. She stands 
 on a tree of bronze which looks as well and will outlast 
 Nature's palms nearby. 
 
 OUR MARCH TO THE SEA 
 
 But one must say good-bye to everything in this world, 
 good or bad, and so one morning I bade farewell to Caracas, 
 boarded a train, and soon left the Paradise valley, like 
 Adam, with sincere regret. In the 9,000 foot mountains 
 that wall out the busy world from this city, there are said 
 to be many "romantic chasms" as fine as anything found in 
 Xanadu where Mr. Kubla Khan built a stately pleasure hall, 
 where the river Alph ran through caverns measureless to 
 man. Passing through sugar and cane country by the 
 Guaire river, we arrive at Los Teques, 3,800 feet above sea 
 level, with a climate that makes it a resort for the upper 
 class of Caracas society. Coffee is the leading product and 
 fills their coffers with gold and cups with joy. Instead of 
 natives burrowing in the hills for gold, trains of little burros 
 amble on hill-tops and along the roads with bags full of the 
 precious berry. Now we dash through some of the best 
 scenery of this good road that ended at Valencia and in bad 
 feeling between Germany and Venezuela, when Germany 
 sent warships to bombard Puerto Cabello, since Venezuela 
 had failed to pay the interest on the $15,000,000 Germany 
 had spent in building the road. It is 112 miles long and has 
 212 bridges and viaducts, 86 tunnels, and required 6 years 
 to construct. The views of mountain, chasm, valley and 
 cacao estates are magnificent. I sat by an open window to 
 take it all in. The natives failed to enthuse, for they pulled 
 down their curtains, curled up in seat-corners, lit cigarets 
 
S E A S O D O M S 135 
 
 and went to sleep — another illustration of their artistic 
 temperament. But they waked up at Victoria, for here 
 there was something to eat. Many people only grow inter- 
 ested in life at meal times. Castro had a fine farm here. 
 His men loaded up on the garlic and onions which abound, 
 fared forth and strongly overcame the revolutionary forces 
 led by Matos. Bolivar once lived here. 
 
 Quinta raises cane, coffee and cacao, but whether here 
 or elsewhere, practical peonage exists with overwork and 
 underpay. Now we near the fertile country where so many 
 cattle are raised, the chief boss of which is Gomez, who has 
 this concession and makes millions of money from the crit- 
 ters from top of horns to tip of tail. I talked with a man 
 who said he had a fine cow — Gomez saw it and offered him 
 $100 for it. The poor fellow suggested it was worth four 
 times that. Gomez looked at him and said, "I will give you 
 $100 and come and get her when I want her." The Ven- 
 ezuelan colors are red, blue and yellow — red for the rape 
 and ravage of war, blue for the w^ay the people feel, and 
 yellow for the streak in Gomez' character. Although a 
 miniature revolution was progressing between Colombia 
 and Venezuela, while I was here, the press made no com- 
 ment. 
 
 Maracay! Here the great Gomez dwells in his White 
 House surrounded by spies and soldiers. He wouldn't last 
 a week in Caracas. In the nearby lake there is said to be a 
 boat under steam all the time so he can make a quick get- 
 away, if necessary. Next we roll through a prosperous and 
 populous country, skirting the shores of the blue lake Taca- 
 riqua. In 1810, Humboldt measured it as 30 miles long, 
 now it is but 23. Both rainy and dry seasons affect its level. 
 Though apparently circled by mountains, there are times 
 when one of its outlets flows to the Caribbean and the other 
 to the Orinoco. Small steamers ply across this pretty pond 
 23 miles long, 12 wide, and in which there are more than 20 
 green islands. In Humboldt's day the lake had retreated 
 more than 3 miles from Valencia, now it is 6 miles distant. 
 I speculated why, until I got off the train at Valencia. Any- 
 thing would retreat from here. 
 
136 S E A S O D O M S i 
 
 VILE VALENCIA 
 
 Here we are in the old capital of Valencia, state of 
 Carobobo, and riding to the ''Hotel Venezuela" over torn-up 
 streets. The city was once the envy of Caracas. Even now 
 the "green-eyed monster" makes its haunt in both towns, 
 for when I left Caracas a man warned me, saying, "Don't 
 stop off at Valencia — they have the 'Economica' fever there 
 and you'll be dead and buried in 24 hours." The city was 
 founded in 1555 — what do we care, any more than that 
 Bolivar fought here in 1814 and 1821 ; or that it is 1,800 
 feet above sea level; or that it is the second city in Ven- 
 ezuela for trade in coffee, sugar, cocoa, hides, rum, cattle 
 and agricultural implements; or that it has a cotton-mill 
 equal to that of the capital, and a newspaper of two sheets, 
 called "La Lucha," mostly ads (much less hypocritical than 
 many American newspapers that pretend to be printed in 
 the interest of law, virtue and truth, yet are simply run for 
 the money in the advertisements). 
 
 I took the hotel for mine inn, but there was not much 
 ease in it, though I was offered a hammock in lieu of a bed. 
 Our room was wild, and we had a wilder chambermaid who 
 looked as if she had escaped from the jungle. She was bare- 
 footed and had hair long enough to sweep the floor. I asked 
 anxiously for a mosquito net, for I had heard that the night 
 before a soldier shot a mosquito here and only wounded it. 
 The proprietor said the breeze would blow them out at night 
 — it did and nearly took me with them. My front window 
 opened on the plaza-like space in front of the crumbling 
 theatre, in front of which stood a bust of Michelena, which 
 was an affront to his memory. The only play at night was 
 of shadows on the falling facade. 
 
 Valencia was not only suffering from a lack of initia- 
 tive — its tranquillity is sublime — but lack of water, though 
 there was mucho vino, Ponche Crema and beer. The cli- 
 mate may be salubrious, yet in absence of water the sanita- 
 tion and conditions are lugubrious. It wouldn't be a Ven- 
 ezuelan town without a plaza, or a plaza without a monu- 
 ment to Bolivar. In the Cathedral we saw a christening, 
 and a notice attacking the Masons, as well as one admonish- 
 ing the men and girls not to flirt. Opposite was a German 
 
A LANGUID ISLAND LADY 
 
THE POINT A PITRE MARKET— GUADELOUPE 
 
SEASODOMS 139 
 
 Club redolent of beer. Taking a street-car as a guide, we 
 were conducted down to the quarters of the poor with their 
 hunger and dirt, then up to the better business and resi- 
 dence portion of the city. Later we visited barracks, munic- 
 ipal buildings, and churches and chapels where many 
 women pride themselves on doing nothing but singing. 
 Could not their time and energy be better spent in cleaning 
 up the foul streets ? At night I went to the bull-ring to see 
 a moving picture. Bullfighting is demoralizing, but not 
 more so than the cheap American films shown in some of 
 the Venezuelan bull-rings and theatres during the week^ 
 pictures which represent us as venal, vindictive, vicious, 
 vulgar, mercenary, murderous, lustful and lawless. The 
 sunrise opened my eyes on the sleepy town and illuminated 
 the Calvary Hill with its three crosses. 
 
 PUERTO CABELLO AFFLICTIONS 
 
 I was not sorry to leave pestilential Valencia on the 
 34-mile English line of steam and cog that dropped us 
 down, down 1,800 feet. Some passengers incog went 
 deeper still — I allude to the habit of the Valencians spend- 
 ing the week-end at Puerto Cabello in the society of the 
 other man's wife or daughter. The train starts, stops, jerks, 
 whips around sharp curves, and performs a lot of wild 
 stunts no well-behaved English train is expected to, racing 
 along past streams, autos, natives ensconced in hut doors 
 and windows, burro pack-trains loaded for the seaport, 
 and sea beaches with wave and waving palm, till we reach 
 El Golfo Triste, well-named ''gulf of tears'' when one re- 
 calls the thousands, killed by war and fever, whose bones 
 are said to pave the bottom, and the political prisoners held 
 in the Puerto Cabello fortress. The harbor is deep, as is 
 their despair. I saw them working in rags. One poor fel- 
 low was toiling away stark naked am.ong the breakers and 
 sharp rocks. It is reported the victims are beaten in the 
 early morning during the call of the reveille to cover up 
 their cries. Just as if to welcome us, there was a gang of 
 convicts working on the road in front of our hotel. They 
 work not only week days, but Sunday, the day of rest. The 
 
140 SEASODOMS 
 
 name of our caravansary was Los Banos, which might be 
 spelled Bagnios, from the wild women stopping here. "L" 
 and I had a room with bath, i.e., the ocean was the bath-tub. 
 I could step from my bed to the surf-soaked floor, then 
 down the stone steps into the ocean. There were a few 
 posts outside to keep the sharks from nibbling your toes, 
 and some loose board partitions to separate you from your 
 neighbors' bathing places on either side. I asked the pro- 
 prietor for a swimming suit; he said it wasn't necessary, 
 so I stripped, plunged in and found, to my amazement, three 
 bulging beauties, who occupied the room adjoining mine, 
 disporting themselves a la Aphrodite, except that they wore 
 diaphanous nighties. Many modest maidens are only clad 
 in a blush making a tableau vivant. As the guide-book 
 saith, **The natural beauties of the place are charming." 
 The surf boomed and bombarded, and at night was a house- 
 breaker, pushing in through door and window, giving us a 
 shower-bath and robbing us of rest. Not only were the 
 usual insectivora of the South American hotels present, but 
 an assortment of crabs, not backward in climbing over the 
 rocks and up the steps into the room. I often started up 
 from my slumbers expecting to rival that individual, de- 
 scribed in one of Zola's novels, who v^as wrecked on a small 
 island off Cayenne and eaten alive, furnishing most excel- 
 lent crab-meat. Young squid were friendly too, and oozed 
 over the doorsill to say good-morning. Happily, the sharks 
 kept their proper distance. 
 
 Opposite the hotel was a park of pretty palms and 
 shade trees, where we sat in rocking-chairs purloined from 
 our room and porch to watch the Puerto Cabellians gossip, 
 read Caracas papers, imbibe freely and dissect the moral 
 anatomy of the muchachas strolling about. When you tire 
 of gazing at the chickens, wander over to the cock-pit and 
 behold the roosters. 
 
 One would never judge the Venezuelans musical from 
 listening to the Puerto Cabello band. It was composed of 
 eight members who could perform equally bad or worse on 
 any of the instruments. Once a week, once too much, they 
 collected under a tree and dispersed the lovers haunting the 
 park. Yet they are kind and thoughtful, and give you fair 
 warning. The deadly silence of the place is suddenly broken 
 
SEASODOMS 141 
 
 by a **bang" on a drum, announcing the fact it is about to 
 commence and giving the promenaders a chance to get out 
 of hearing distance. Even our hotel cat threv^ a fit when 
 she heard the ominous signal, and would scowl and switch 
 her tail 'Twas Sunday, my heart had some of the charity 
 for all and malice toward none feeling, and I crept cautiously 
 under the shade trees where, under a struggling lamp, I 
 could study the pathology of this pathetic gathering. I 
 wondered why they had the liberty to destroy the public 
 peace, while just across the bay their possibly less guilty 
 brothers were behind criminal bars. About the only thing 
 that could stand for the music was the music-stand, and it 
 wobbled. What the selections were is immaterial, for they 
 all sounded the same. The leader kept time with his cornet 
 by trumpeting up and down like a mad elephant, the other 
 members blew themselves, and the poor little drummer 
 knocked himself out so that he fell exhausted on the rim of 
 the fountain. I have heard some of the great orchestras of 
 the world, but none like this. Yet they were conscientious, 
 did the best they knew how, which was nothing, musically 
 speaking, and so I hadn't the heart to summon the police. 
 
 This is not the only affliction poor Puerto Cabello has 
 endured. It has been bombarded, pirated, and scourged by 
 yellow fever and bubonic plague (I saw an artistic rat- 
 plague warning posted on some of the walls) . I was present 
 at another sad affair — a wedding in the church where the 
 couple was dark and the church darker, the town electric 
 lights having gone out. With six witnesses they stood be- 
 fore the altar facing the father, who read from a book by 
 the light of a candle held in front of him by an impish choir- 
 boy who all through the service grinned and grimaced like 
 a little devil at the bride and groom. This may have caused 
 the groom to drop the ring which rolled on the floor, as did 
 the eye of the wedding guests to find it. But the Lord pro- 
 vided, I had an electric flash, the ring was found, and the 
 two, after a long ceremony, were made one, — but which is 
 to be the one remains to be determined. This Cathedral 
 had the usual notice in front maligning Masons and Protes- 
 tants. I was pleased to find that Puerto Cabello has a 
 Christian missionary who is not afraid to preach and print 
 a little paper called ''El Mensajero Christiano." 
 
142 SEASODOMS 
 
 Two fires here in four days lighted up the dark streets 
 at night and added heat to the tropic day. One of them was 
 at the wharf where big ships call from all over the world. 
 In three days I saw dock here a French warship, Dutch 
 merchantman, Italian passenger-boat, and French trans- 
 atlantic liner. Puerto Cabello is one of Venezuela's chief 
 ports of entry. It has a population of some 14,000. Its 
 exports are divi-divi, lumber, copra, quina, cattle and cof- 
 fee. Puerto Cabello means "port of a hair," and the beauty 
 of the harbor appears to draw the ships with but a single 
 hair. So many ships, so many sailors, so many sinners. 
 On our way to do missionary work among the latter, we 
 passed by a colossal bronze column surmounted by an eagle. 
 This was erected to the memory of the U. S. soldiers who 
 gave their lives to establish Venezuelan "freedom." The 
 name of the donor is as large as of those who died. I was 
 lured into an old curiosity shop, with electric globe fish 
 sign outside, and everything within that sea-dogs love to 
 sniff. Going down streets on whose sidewalks happy na- 
 tives were strumming guitars, we entered cafes, where 
 women were playfully tossing wine down the necks of their 
 guests; gambling dens and seminaries of drunkenness, 
 which graduate many a professor emeritus of rascality; 
 dives full of galley-slaves of pleasure, where old crones 
 offered to barter young girls ; and dimly-lighted dens, where 
 Venezuelan soldiers and sailors were dancing with mulat- 
 toes to the tom-tom beat of drum and triangle, and where 
 witch-like forms in the corners muttered cries like a sibyl in 
 the throes of prophecy. At one establishment a tot of a girl 
 moved and jerked around in the middle of the room like an 
 automaton, versed thus young in all the suggestive undula- 
 tions of a superannuated sinner. 
 
 Puerto Cabello is a city of stick-up artists, whether in 
 official office. Custom House or banks. In one of the lat- 
 ter a smiling teller tried to tell me five francs made a dollar, 
 when I should have received fifteen, and I told him to — 
 stay in Venezuela. The morning seemed brighter than 
 usual when the Paquebot "La Navarre" steamed into the 
 harbor to bear us away to Guadeloupe. On starting up the 
 gang we were seized and put in charge of a Venezuelan 
 custom official, who led us a double-quick pace about Puerto 
 
SEASODOMS 143 
 
 Cabello's scorching streets. I told him I had seen all of the 
 town I wanted to, but it was useless. It is as difficult to 
 get out of Venezuela as to get into it, and I could not leave 
 the country without a passport permission from the govern- 
 ment. So I was vised at the American consul's, then after 
 a melting half-mile walk introduced to a native, who made 
 me swear and sign a statement I was not taking gold or 
 silver out of the country. After this I was dragged to the 
 municipal building where I received a passport from jefa- 
 tura civil del Distrito, permitting me to depart from the 
 city. At the top of this document were the legerdemain 
 letters, ''E.E.U.U. of Venezuela," which I am sure stand for 
 Exasperating Extortion of Usurious Usurpers of Venezuela. 
 At the bottom stood the words "Dios y Federacion" — God 
 and the Federation. This was about the first time the 
 federation of Venezuela had anything to do with God, ex- 
 cept to break his commandments. Then I was marched to 
 the Custom House and asked what I was carrying away. I 
 showed them my "lista del equipaje," which consisted of 
 five "bultos." Learning there was nothing they wanted, 
 they put their stamp of their God Gomez' approval on my 
 papers and let me go for an additional money consideration. 
 Then my official guide who had forced his attentions on me 
 — his visage was the hue of "divi-divi" wood— thrust out 
 his palm for me to divy-divy with him to the amount of ten 
 bolivars, which I gave him with my ''benemalediction." We 
 boarded the ship and sailed away, as happy to leave Ven- 
 ezuela as Bolivar was who escaped from the prison fortress 
 here by dropping into the bay, swimming away and hiding 
 in a hacienda. 
 
 "HENRI OF NAVARRE" 
 
 Our belle bateau had been a German boat years ago, 
 but was now the property of the French who gave it the 
 name of "Henri of Navarre," the man who did all he could 
 to check the power of the Hapsburgs. The ship itself be- 
 fitted the historical proportions, in size and splendor, of 
 Henry IV, called the "great" and "good," and held to be the 
 greatest and most French of all French kings. You remem- 
 
144 SEASODOMS 
 
 ber he signed the ever-famous Edict of Nantes, that he bore 
 a charmed life, surviving eighteen attempts at assassina- 
 tion, but was finally killed by the dagger of the fanatic 
 Ravaillac May 14, 1610. Henry was a veteran in love and 
 war, wielding Cupid's bow and Mars' spear. He introduced 
 the silk industry into France, was finer than silk, and signed 
 the Edict which gave liberty of worship to the Protestants 
 April 13, 1598. But according to the elaborate menu card 
 on this French Line, the most noteworthy and praiseworthy 
 thing to be recalled in Henry's life was the fact — painted 
 in striking outline and color — of his bare-bottomed infancy 
 being held up by the nurse to drink a glass of the famed 
 Le Vin de Bordeaux. The decks of the ''Navarre" were 
 like wooden boulevards, the dining and social rooms resem- 
 bled a gilded palace, the staterooms were fit for a king and 
 queen, with private bath-tub for each. The appointments 
 were splendid and the ship could accommodate hundreds of 
 passengers, but there were scarcely a dozen of us so I know 
 how a millionaire feels on his private yacht. Those who 
 had the best time on board were the crew — an army of 
 them in blue suits and sabots who devoured long loaves of 
 French bread, quaffed many a bucketful of wine, and 
 amused themselves by killing pigs and cattle on the aft deck 
 and turning the hose on each other. Many were half -clad 
 and showed themselves to be artists at least skin-deep, for 
 they were tattooed like South sea savages with figures of 
 naked nymphs in bright colors on their backs and chests. 
 When we touched La Guayra again they performed the 
 miracle of the loaves and fishes, giving bread to the wharf 
 boys for recently caught fish — the miracle being that the 
 youngsters didn't fall between the wharf and boat during 
 the exchange. 
 
 LA GUAYRA, CARUPANO, MARGARITA 
 
 The day we touched La Guayra was memorable, for 
 we took aboard Julio F. Mendez, son-in-law of President 
 Gomez, en route to London via Paris, as secretary of the 
 Venezuelan legation to Great Britain. He was taking with 
 him his hermosa esposa, child, secretaries and, 'tis said, a 
 
SEASODOMS 145 
 
 number of millions of the people's money that he might 
 have a pious time in Paris. Everyone taking this boat was 
 looked on with suspicion. I talked with a Protestant mis- 
 sionary bound for a little town down the coast, who wanted 
 passage and was told by the Transatlantic agent at Caracas 
 to purchase his ticket at La Guayra. Here they refused to 
 sell him a ticket though there was plenty of room, declaring 
 the passenger list was made up and it would be necessary 
 for him to telegraph the President of the republic to secure 
 permission to sail. It was only after a lot of "monkey" 
 work that he was at last allowed to get aboard. Think of 
 it! They knew "L" and I were bound for Guadeloupe, yet 
 came snooping around inquiring who we were, why we 
 were going, and whether we had tickets which had already 
 been given to the purser. They are all guilty, suspect 
 everyone, and thought I looked like a man who might give 
 the son-in-law a quietus with a bare bodkin, or a gentle 
 shove overboard on a dark, stilly night. The Venezuelan 
 government does not honor its subjects with protection but 
 with suspicion. 
 
 Instead of murdering Mendez I was friendly, felt sorry 
 for him, and played the piano for him and his wife, Graziella 
 Gomez, said to be one of the multitudinous progeny of the 
 concupiscent President who has a reputation of rivalling 
 the Elector Augustus of Saxony, in the eighteenth century, 
 who had 350 children, and Casanova, who in his piquant 
 memoirs tells of liaisons with 3,000 beauties on the conti- 
 nent, ranging all the way from princesses to soubrettes. 
 Mr. Mendez and I compared ages. He seemed surprised at 
 my 63 years, said he wasn't much m.ore than half of that, 
 didn't expect to live much longer, but intended to have all 
 the fun he could before he died. Noble ambition ! Echoing 
 the good wish of old Joe Jefferson, I gave him a ''May you 
 live long and prosper." The next afternoon at Carupano 
 he was met by a committee of entertainment and taken 
 ashore. He lent me his binoculars to view the land and sea 
 scape o'er, and this little town of 12,000 which exports cof- 
 fee, sugar, cacao, brandy and pottery, and it may be added, 
 in a most primitive and procrastinating manner, for we 
 rode at anchor nearly three hours before one lone lighter 
 of coffee and cacao was laboriously oared alongside by two 
 
146 SEASODOMS 
 
 picturesque tramps. As I drew Carupano near with the 
 glasses, I was thoroughly convinced the best way to know 
 Venezuela was to invert them and thus put the country as 
 far away as possible. ^.The fact is, the way to get a true 
 view of any country is not to look through anybody's 
 glasses or eyes but your own. As might be expected, Boli- 
 var landed here — it would scarcely be a Venezuelan port if 
 he hadn't. The occasion of his visit was a trip from Haiti 
 during his fight against the Spaniards. 
 
 Not far from Carupano is Cumana, the oldest Euro- 
 pean city in South America, having been founded in 1526. 
 The people we saw along these shores wore clothes, unlike 
 the savage Indian inhabitants, found here in 1564 by the 
 famous Sir John Hawkins, who, in the quaint language of 
 Hakluyt *'goe all naked, the men covering no part of their 
 body but their yard upon which they weare a gourd or piece 
 of cane, made fast with a thrid about their loynes, leaving 
 the other parts of their members uncovered, whereof they 
 take no shame. The women also are uncovered, saving with 
 a cloth which they weare a hand-breath, wherewith they 
 cover their privities both before and behind." 
 
 Before reaching Carupano our ship made a choro- 
 graphical route along the cloud-begirt, sea-beleaguered, 
 pearl-famed isle of Margarita. It contains 400 square miles 
 and a mountain Macanao 4,630 feet high. The island's name 
 means "pearl," and this sea treasure was found here 
 in the 16th and 17th centuries. Today the natives get 
 mackerel and red-snappers, about the only pearls being the 
 purling waves. That wholesale adventurer and impostor 
 extraordinary to the West Indies, Chris., discovered this 
 isle. Whether he picked up any pearls or not, except in 
 the purlieus of vice, I don't know. English and Spanish 
 fought around this island for years, and in 1662 the Dutch 
 destroyed the town of Pompatar. The logs of these old sea 
 voyagers make bright fireside reading. At one time as 
 many as 2,000 men fished for pearls, the annual output be- 
 ing nearly one million dollars. Rude native methods were 
 followed by more scientific ones with the French, who ob- 
 tained a concession giving the government 10 per cent 
 royalty. Very little pearling is now done. Not far away is 
 another isle that did a 100 per cent business in slaves and 
 
SEASODOMS 147 
 
 pearls in ye old tyme days — Cubagua, but it later went into 
 liquidation when a hurricane hurried over to its relief and 
 submerged it. These islands, once renowned for pearls, are 
 now known for deposits of guano, phosphate rock and fish, 
 articles of value, yet not such as you wear in. your ears, 
 around your neck, or anywhere near your nose. 
 
 CARIB ISLES 
 
 It was ''Adios" to Venezuela in the afternoon and '*bon 
 jour" to Martinique before noon the next day, having said 
 ''Are you there?" en passant to the English Piton sisters, 
 who for so long a time have sat with their feet in the sea 
 and their heads 2,000 feet in the clouds. "La Navarre" 
 stopped at Fort de France, Martinique, long enough to be 
 coaled by the charbonniere girls, and for the crew to go 
 ashore and carouse, for they had not left the boat since 
 leaving Colon. Then we sailed by St. Pierre shrouded like 
 the dead, with the old volcano Pelee sitting up to watch, the 
 moon burning like a corpse candle overhead. Dominica 
 next flitted by us phantom-like, and at midnight when the 
 poet says graves do yawn, the only yawning things I saw 
 were the passengers gaping on deck and waiting for the 
 lighter to take them to Basseterre, capital of Guadeloupe. 
 The lights of the city were blinking in the waves, and 'tis 
 said by travelers who have stayed here that they are often 
 on the blink. Alone on the hillside stood an illuminated 
 shrine of a Madonna to whom the child-like natives turn in 
 waking and dreaming hours to do for them what they ought 
 to do for themselves. 
 
 Allons! and as we go the moon drops down into the 
 crater of Soufriere like Empedocles into Aetna. The crim- 
 son sunrise revealed Les Saintes islands, reminding me of 
 the battle in this passage when English Rodney defeated 
 French De Grasse, because he didn't believe in having grass 
 grow under his feet. Maria Galante bowed next to us. She 
 is one of Chris.' old sweethearts whom he named after his 
 ship. The gallant Chris, discovered this sweet Marie in 
 1493, and Drake also made her a visit. In spite of these 
 rough rounders, and the wear and tear of the winds and 
 
148 SEA SODOMS 
 
 waves, Marie was looking quite ''fit," considering she has 
 14,000 children whom she teaches to work in the garden- 
 patch of bananas, coffee, sugar, \^anilla and cacao. La Desi- 
 rade, the leper island, keeps her ''procul" distance, and we 
 sighted her off in the offing. Then heigh ho ! land ho ! and 
 yo ho ! and like a snake our ship wound in and out between 
 many islets and stopped at Point a Pitre, Guadeloupe. 
 
 INN-CONVENIENCES 
 
 Throwing a bon voyage kiss to the ''Navarre" in its 
 transatlantic run to St. Nazaire, P'rance, ''V and I and our 
 five bags were dumped in a boat and pulled by two blacks 
 to the near shore. The guide-book readeth, ''the usual 
 charge is one franc per passenger." Let me be "frank" 
 and inform you they charge all they can get, and you can*t 
 get away very far without giving in to their demands. I 
 surrendered to these black hands .and black legs and regret- 
 ted I had not learned boxing to give them black eyes. 
 
 "0 rest ye, brother mariners," is Tennyson's poetry, 
 but the prose fact is, where? Hotel de Paris and Hotel 
 Moderne are the two hotels, yet you can't rest in either. I 
 secured "accommodations" at the Mo"durn" one, and as I 
 sleeplessly tossed on my bed, I remembered how at one time 
 this island had imported 15,000 coolies, and I decided they 
 had brought over with them the idea of Indian fakirs who 
 repose on beds of spikes until their skins resemble rhi- 
 noceros hides. At all hours of the night I was entertained 
 by the music of mosquito bands. It is impossible to sleep 
 alone, though you bar your room to the obliging douce fille 
 de chambre who tells you she loves you, for the bug and his 
 family have nested and rested here long before your arrival 
 and will remain after your departure. My bed-room would 
 make an excellent class room for one studying entomology. 
 One must not expect much from the help that only receives 
 60c a month (some are worth it), still I did think the 
 amount should indude cleaning my room at least once every 
 two days. However, I may be mistaken. Yet why should I 
 complain when every morning at six, just as I was resting 
 from fighting wild animals all night, and exhausted was 
 
SEASODOMS 149 
 
 trying to get my beauty sleep, an adorable sorciere employed 
 by this hotel came in and waked me to give me coffee? The 
 sight of her elephantiasis-swollen legs gave me the shivers, 
 and I pulled the sheet over my liead to escape from this 
 waking nightmare. As for the much-desired, needed and 
 expected bath in the tropics, the Guadeloupians must wor- 
 ship as their patron saint Catherine of Sienna who never 
 washed, or Catherine of Russia who never took a bath ex- 
 cept in later years, and then in melted butter, for there is 
 no bath. This is nearly as bad as Boston in 1845 when 
 bathing was unlawful, except when prescribed by a physi- 
 cian, and denounced as a menace to health, or during the 
 time of Roman Catholicism in mediaeval Spain where dirt 
 was deified and people who bathed frequently were sus- 
 pected of being heretics and considered heathen Moors, not 
 Christians. Just once during my stay I had a real good 
 plunge when a Canadian banker friend took pity on me and 
 drove me in his car over rough roads, that must have shaken 
 the loose change out of his pockets for repairs, to an excel- 
 lent beach where, unobserved and unmolested by the gen- 
 darmes — for cleanliness and decency in this island are 
 prohibited like a foreign plague — I swashed about to my 
 heart's content. One shudders to think what might hap- 
 pen if this cleansing process became epidemic in Guade- 
 loupe. 
 
 Jean Jacques Rousseau said he could not enter a res- 
 taurant without a certain emotion of timidity. I experi- 
 enced the same trepidation every time I went into the hotel 
 dining-room, especially after I had visited the market 
 where the food was bought and learned there was no show 
 for a buzzard on this island, because if a cow or bull dies 
 from a plague or sickness, the people rush out and fall upon 
 it to eat or sell it. The waitress often kept me waiting 
 while she chased around the chairs and tables a flea-bit- 
 ten dog. It understood the French word "Marche" she 
 screamed, but did not march. Twas a common sight to see 
 both animals on all fours. While her wages were small — 
 about 75c a month — this daily dog-hunt pleasure doubtless 
 made her life worth living. As to the food, I can't say much, 
 for there wasn't much to talk about. Near my table sat a 
 fat Frenchman who, when not titillating his tongue with 
 
150 SEASODOMS 
 
 wine, was delivering Dantonesque orations to those who 
 came into the bar to drink punch and play cards. When 
 they were full, or the room was empty, he talked to the 
 dogs that wandered in, not to hear his lecture, but to visit 
 the cur that trotted around the legs of his table. 
 
 DOGS, DUNG, DEVOTION 
 
 Not in the classic lingo of Socrates who swore by the 
 Dog, but in the dialect of the Missouri negro who swore at 
 the dog. Point a Pitre is a ''doggone" town. For its size I 
 found as many curs as in Constantinople, and they were as 
 filthy and flea-bitten. Here were dogs mangy, sore, lame, 
 halt, blind, curtailed, earless, legless, and castrated ones 
 "melancholy as a gibbed cat." Every day is dog day and 
 night at Point a Pitre. Here, if anywhere, it is necessary 
 to follow Shakespeare's advice, "Throw physic to the dogs," 
 for they are a sick and scurvy lot. This city and its canine 
 citizens resembles Aix la Chapelle, which Cherbuliez char- 
 acterized as a very dull city where the dogs suffer so sadly 
 from ennui that they piteously beg passers-by to kick them, 
 with a view to having a little excitement. Dogs have fallen 
 so low on this island that they are on a level with some of 
 the people. They are the city scavengers and must hunt for 
 their own food. How unlike their noble ancestors whom 
 Cyrus so admired that four tov^ois were exempted from all 
 other taxes and appointed to find food for them. To look at 
 a Guadeloupe cur makes it difficult to believe the dog of old 
 was worshipped in Cynopolis — that the Egyptian deity 
 Anubis was dog-headed — that he shone in heaven as the 
 dog-star Sirius — ^that he was the watch-dog of Hades — ^that 
 he was sacrificed by Achilles on the tomb of Patroclus — 
 that from the bark of his ancestral tree he harks back to 
 ancient Nineveh, as we learn from excavations — ^that he 
 was a warrior bold under the Greeks and Romans, wearing 
 the armor of a spiked collar — that bloodhounds helped Chris, 
 discover and depopulate the isles of the West Indies — ^that 
 a dog named Berezillo, under Ponce de Leon, was such an 
 efficient fighter that his master received for him the same 
 pay and share of booty of a crossbowman — that he has been 
 
SEASODOMS 151 
 
 complimented by Baudelaire in an essay who calls dogs 
 "four-footed philosophers," saying there surely must be a 
 paradise for them if Swedenborg maintained there was 
 one for Turks and Dutchmen — that Henry II bullbaited 
 with butcher dogs, furnishing amusement for Merrie Eng- 
 land — ^that he was proficient in the arts of hunting, shep- 
 herding, guarding and rescuing unfortunates from snow 
 and sea — that he has been immortalized in art by Landseer, 
 and in literature, in anything but doggerel, by Scott, Dick- 
 ens, Burns and Ouida — that Lord Byron built a tomb for a 
 dog — that Goldsmith wrote a poem on him — that Marryat 
 made him the hero of a novel — that Rabelais wrote farcical 
 dog episodes — that in Buenos Aires he has beautifully sculp- 
 tured tombs — that according to Beranger, he was an escort 
 to King Yvetot — that Mark Twain proves he is better than 
 a human being. Of course, all great heroes in this world 
 have snarling critics, and the dog has been "canned" with 
 some opprobrius epithets. The Mohammedan calls the be- 
 lieving Christian "Dog." The Jews despise him and regard 
 him as unclean. That old curmudgeon satirst, Ambrose 
 Bierce, flays him alive. If you are anxious to make a visit 
 to the oculist or dentist, you have but to refer to a man's 
 parentage in words that describe a dog's. In truth, the 
 title "S.B." is oftener given in common walks of life than 
 degrees in the upper class of university scholarship. 
 
 The dogs of Point a Pitre have fallen into the filthy 
 habits of their owners of using streets and sidewalks as 
 lavatories. Walking about or touring the city one finds 
 many evidences of that which caused Dean Swift to severely 
 satirize the city of Dublin in 1732. Cave canem. 
 
 The strongest perfume in this exotic isle is wafted from 
 the vehicle de ordure — a dump-cart drawn by three shame- 
 faced mules and driven by a half -asphyxiated driver. This 
 equipage stops at every house, two stalwart Creole dames 
 leave the cart, enter the door, and empty pots of ordure into 
 great cans which they carry out on their head and deposit 
 in the cart. The offal wagon starts out every morning at 
 the time Phoebus drives his chariot. This fragrance de la 
 pays never inspired Gray's "incense-breathing morn," or 
 the song, "Every morn I bring thee sweetest violets." 
 Guadeloupe should be named the He de Ordure. Though the 
 
152 SEASODOMS 
 
 inhabitants may not be versed in classic literature, I know 
 they could appreciate what Hugo said of Cambronne's 
 "Merde" reply at Waterloo, that it was perhaps the finest 
 word a Frenchman ever uttered. Baudelaire compliments 
 his own race in the following words : "The Frenchman is a 
 backyard animal ; filth does not displease him ; in his home 
 and in literature he is scatophagous. He dotes on excrement. 
 The litterateurs of the coffee-houses call that the Gallic 
 salt." The Turkish proverb says that the more garlic is 
 crushed the more strong becomes its odor, and I will now 
 leave refuse for religion, and the distance is not very far 
 between the two subjects, as any orthodox stercoranist well 
 knows. 
 
 Sunday morning the Cathedral was overflowingly full. 
 Devout market women left their baskets of produce outside 
 of the church at the base of a statue of a bearded apostle, 
 thus giving him the appearance of a Hebrew huckster sell- 
 ing his wares. The church facade was like London bridge, 
 "falling down," and a scaffolding framework had been 
 erected overhead, at the entrance, to keep the worshippers 
 in a religious frame of mind by keeping the stones from 
 falling on their heads. An orbicular priest intoned the 
 service in a high nasal voice as cracked as the church bell 
 and the building. Next to the bell, the most appealing 
 thing to me was a stoop-shouldered old gentleman with a 
 white cork hat, white pants, and dark gold-embroidered 
 coat, who walked in, out and around with a long spear-like 
 pole after the manner of a supe soldier in "Julius Caesar." 
 His duty was to keep order and sobriety. Anywhere except 
 here this preposterous regalia would have started an ava- 
 lanche of laughter. Risum est — it is to cachinnate ! Three 
 or four hundred little girls, all dressed in white, came out of 
 the church like a drove of lambs, carefully guarded by 
 elderly she shepherds lest they stray from the fold. 
 
 GUADELOUPE ATTRACTIONS 
 
 Just as in Caracas I saw the men in the bull-ring fight 
 more fiercely than the bull, so here Sunday afternoon, at 
 the cockpit, the scrappiest bout was among the male spec- 
 tators, not only between the owners who waged a wordy 
 
SEASODOMS 153 
 
 war, while their birds were fighting in the ring, but among 
 the onlookers who had lost money on this combat de cock. 
 They sprang into the ring, and with no interference on the 
 part of the judges, and with the boisterous approval of the 
 audience, proceeded to fly at each other. It became so un- 
 bearable I left to save my tympanum, and for fear I might 
 become a fellow maniac. 
 
 King Carnival in Guadeloupe has a hard time of it. 
 The celebration was a small and simple affair, the people 
 being literally ''pleased with a rattle and tickled with a 
 straw." Children were crowding >ind dancing about a rag- 
 ged domino, dressed in a tattered cloak, who rattled on a 
 drum and kicked up his legs encased in straw covers from 
 wine bottles. A miserable exhibition, no money, no cos- 
 tumes, no carnival, compared with her sister island of Mar- 
 tinique. The most popular person was the Devil, tricked 
 out like a bear with bangles and frippery, who, like the 
 Pied Piper, led a crowd at his heels about the streets, the 
 dogs racing and barking after them, glad to have their 
 attention diverted from fleas and sores. 
 
 At night I went to the "Casino." If it takes a wise man 
 to be a fool, I wasn't one of the owl variety. For the blind 
 or deaf, the show may have been a success. As the night 
 wore on, the couples became worn out, and there was more 
 wilt than lilt in the measures. Having less endurance than 
 these pinchbeck performers, I sneaked out to where the 
 moon was flooding the town with silver, transforming the 
 tiny, tin-roofed shacks into fairy houses in front of which 
 happy-go-lucky Creoles were chatting and humming tunes, 
 the insects keeping time. The trees loomed like great silver 
 candlesticks in the cathedral of space. In the distance I 
 heard voices and saw the silhouette of a boat in which 
 darkies were floating away on the waves of melody — the 
 full moon always raises the tide of animal feeling, the man 
 who howls and the dog who bays. The wanton breeze kissed 
 my face with lips perfumed with the odor of flowers and 
 trees. Lovely, and all to be enjoyed without expense. Of 
 course, I know I am prejudiced — I should have remained 
 in the stuffy ''Casino" with its besotted, sweating revellers. 
 
 Le Musee L'Herminier is a little place to muse on mon- 
 keys, bugs, insects, monstrosities, deformities and bottles 
 
154 SEASODOMS 
 
 filled with freak foetal formations. Still, it is unnecessary 
 to come here, for you can find more bugs and monstrosities 
 in street and hotel. Not even the twisted trunks of the trees 
 on the unkempt savannas were any more deformed than the 
 Guadeloupe cripples. It was real human misery, not a 
 Court of Miracles described by Hugo in Paris — a walking 
 hospital, with every sort of dirt and disease exhibited. 
 These pilgrims, with their bunions and wallets of woes, 
 make little progress. Pangloss, the optimistic philosopher, 
 never cut a sorrier figure after his amorous experiments. 
 This sad company is out in the mud and sun — far better 
 off than their brother victims in the hospital, where condi- 
 tions are so terrible I wonder patients do not go insane or 
 commit suicide. Here were fever patients on the steps and 
 others on the floor or at windows gasping for air. The 
 doctor hurried us by an operating-room, fit for an abattoir, 
 and other pits of misery only a Hogarth could draw or 
 Zola describe. Many of the patients are required to furnish 
 their own drugs — I'd be tempted to take something just 
 once — hemlock if possible. I saw a typical funeral with 
 priests and banners coming from the church and going to 
 the nearby cemetery. Doubtless the hospital inmates look 
 with envy on the cortege, hoping soon to lead the procession. 
 
 One morning the roll of a drum, under my hotel-win- 
 dow, summoned the citizens of Point a Pitre, and the town- 
 crier read a proclamation, not that France was at war with 
 the U. S. and they should rise to arms, but that the city 
 water supply would be cut off next day, and if they wanted 
 water to cook, cleanse, flush, or sprinkle the flowers, now 
 was the accepted time to get it. This information was free. 
 If you pay ten centimes you may secure a daily of one sheet, 
 printed on both sides, "Le Nouveliste," not from a newsboy, 
 but from a news old woman. She is more interesting than 
 anything in the paper. 
 
 We dashed out of the city to the Experimental Station 
 Agronomique with Mr. Dash, and my comment on the 
 
 frightful roads was full of — . If the same amount 
 
 of time were spent in experiment to improve the people as 
 well as the sugar products, the history of Guadeloupe might 
 be sweeter. Sugar is the chief thing here and there are 
 large mills on the island, but the bottom has fallen out of 
 
SEASODOMS iS5 
 
 the market and sugar-barrel, and the financial cup is filled 
 with bitter dregs. At present rum has practically no sale 
 in France and stocks are piling up as a result of the general 
 trade depression. The banks are in a difficult position for 
 business, no money existing to the country's credit outside. 
 As a result the Royal Bank of Canada was recently obliged 
 to suspend sales of drafts on New York. The island 
 sends most of its native products to Martinique, who sells 
 them abroad and thus receives not only the money but the 
 name of doing things. Guadeloupe resources are owned by 
 Frenchmen in Paris who do little for the island but draw 
 on it. 
 
 The Point a Pitre market is a woman's exchange of 
 food and gossip. Chatter and color flow around the square, 
 over the waterless fountain and under the shady trees. Hun- 
 dreds of quadroons, octoroons, blacks and yellows, dressed 
 in prints loud as their talk, with handkerchiefs twisted like 
 Egyptian turbans around their heads, and wearing long, 
 loose robes, sit on their haunches all day long, not seeming 
 to care whether they sell anything or not. Girl clerks in 
 the stores only make $2 a month. Judged by some writers, 
 the women of 25 years ago looked good and pretty. Whit- 
 tier, who never was here, says the Creole glances, were 
 "archly deep" and full of "passion and of sleep." Ancient 
 history ! I found no filles charmantes, no Venus de Medicis 
 in the lot, and the "fair sex" looked like sexagenarians. 
 
 "Bon" is the universal adjecti /e of the island, yet there 
 were few occasions to use it except when I visited the mar- 
 ket and purchased a pound of vanilla beans to deodorize 
 my room and sweeten my imagination. Sunsets in the har- 
 bor are almost equal to anything Turner ever painted; if 
 Nature keeps on she may yet surpass him some fine day. 
 The mountains and islets are so beautiful that you wonder 
 why the city has not placed seats and benches on the water- 
 front that one may view them. On inquiry I learned the 
 natives would think they were simply put there as a public 
 comfort-station, and would proceed to treat them as the 
 Yahoos did the head of Gulliver. 
 
 Foreigners should be very careful how they act here. 
 Just before our arrival a white man v/as convicted and sent 
 to jail on the testimony of a black girl who said he fired a 
 
156 SEA SODOMS 
 
 pistol at her, and when she saw the bullet coming towards 
 her, dodged and so escaped. I met an American who was 
 publicly assaulted on the street by a man who hit him with 
 a stone and charged him with attempting to mislead his 
 ten-year-old daughter. The negro was allowed to publicly 
 slander an American in the streets without police inter- 
 ference, though the accused man's friends knew it to be a 
 lie. A French writer has said that commerce is essentially 
 "satanic." He surely had something to do with Guadeloupe 
 custom officials. An American salesman informed me he 
 was so bothered with their red-tape that he almost left his 
 samples in their clutches and was glad to escape with the 
 clothes on his back. When the American fleet arrived in 
 January one vessel was without water, and though the 
 French Government Line had plenty of it, it showed its 
 affection for the U. S. by refusing a single drop. The boat 
 was compelled to get it from a private concern. It's a 
 question whether France or England has a greater "love" 
 for the country which helped them "lick" the Kaiser. 
 
 SAILORS AND WASSAILERS 
 
 My heart thrilled under my white duck suit when I 
 learned our U. S. fleet was to stay a day or two in Point a 
 Pitre. In like manner vibrated the heart strings of the 
 hotel proprietors, store-keepers and rum merchants. Im- 
 mediately the prices on wine, beer and champagne were 
 doubled. The fleet of five arrived one noon. Soon as the 
 boys hit the shore they hurried to the bank and lost on 
 exchange, then began to exchange what was left for all the 
 liquor in and out of sight, and it seemed they couldn't slake 
 their awful thirst. Others were thirsty for love and went 
 where they drained the Creole Circe cup of pleasure to the 
 dregs. Some few were interestd in postcards — particularly 
 of the pornographic variety — or in soaps and perfumeries. 
 At night streets and hotels echoed to tipsy brawlings, and 
 chantings of dirty ditties that would have shocked the na- 
 tives if they had been able to understand them. I chatted 
 with several sober sailor lads, between whose bawdy and 
 blasphemous remarks I learned their ship was a prison to 
 
SEASODOMS 157 
 
 them, that they were sorry they ever joined the navy and 
 v^ould desert v^ere they sure of not being caught and pun- 
 ished. The next day the fleet was detained to round up 
 some of the navy police stationed to keep order in town. 
 After trying to bilk a few wine merchants and assault some 
 girls, they were captured, had their clubs and belts taken 
 from them, and were sent out to their ship under guard. 
 
 More than ever was I impressed with our great need of 
 a navy, and am much pleased with the recent appropriation 
 of 396 millions to be expended in advertising the U. S. 
 abroad. At last I understand the "earn and learn" ads in 
 the press and on letters telling of the wonderful life on the 
 bounding main, and appreciate what inspired Josapheus, 
 the enthusiastic historian, to glorify the deeds of the navy. 
 When mothers ask me, as they already have, about sending 
 their boys to the navy, I shall say, "Yes, by all means, I do 
 not know of a better school in the world to teach religion 
 without the Ten Commandments." When our Marines are 
 not bravely killing, they are committing moral suicide or 
 enjoying a little homicide on shore. Last year at Fort de 
 France, Martinique, I helped a French officer put a go*b in 
 the cooler. At Panama, St. Thomas and other world ports, 
 I have seen our boys and know of their uplifting influence. 
 I am only sorry that the editor of the national U. S. navy 
 magazine, who took occasion last year to express his sur- 
 prise at some revelations I made of the moral results of the 
 missionary tours of our boys who go out into all the world 
 and preach their gospel to every creature they can, and 
 said "he wouldn't take a chance at letting anything that 
 isn't true settle on the sailors," was not here at Point a 
 Pitre during the stay of the fleet. I am certain he wouldn't 
 take a chance to tell what was true, for that would settle 
 his chance of being editor of that magazine. In this great 
 moral reform I am pleased to state the navy's influence is 
 not limited to the gobs of inferior rank, but permeates the 
 society of the officer class. I went on board the flagship, 
 looked over the bomb bibles that were to be distributed 
 among the heathen, saw the movies, drank lemonade with 
 several of the genial officers, and had a long talk with the 
 chaplain who had the strangest and most original idea of 
 the navy I had yet read or heard of. He said too many of the 
 
158 SEA SODOM S 
 
 boys in the fleet were rough-necks, drunken, dishonest, de- 
 bauched hoodlums from city slums ; their motives pecu- 
 niary, not patriotic ; were too lazy to work on shore and 
 came aboard for a place to eat, sleep, and make good wages 
 which instead of sending home or placing in the bank, they 
 squandered in all the bars and brothels on the map; were 
 a curse and not a compliment, a hindrance and not a help 
 to the U. S. ; and that the navy's efficiency would be in- 
 creased 100 per cent if its sailors were reduced to half the 
 number, and consisted of conscientious, clean, patriotic, 
 thoroughly American boys. Naturaiiy I was horrified at 
 this revelation and dumfoundedly astonished to know that 
 any man in such a position should speak so. I sincerely 
 hope ere this he has been reprimanded or discharged for 
 holding the Bolsheviki conviction that sobriety, purity, 
 truth, honor and virtue should be expected from the men in 
 our U. S. navy. 
 
 Guadeloupe is one of the islands of the blest. Point 
 a Pitre, for heat and mosquitoes, is unequalled in the West 
 Indies. It has been specially favored with fires, hurricanes 
 and earthquakes, in 1843, 5,000 being destroyed in one of 
 the quakes. In her history War and Slavery, those two 
 great inventions of man, have elevated her to her present 
 **bad eminence." The blacks of the West Indies have been 
 very **black"ward and white elephants on the hands of any 
 nation that ever had anything to do with them. The blood 
 and treasure spent on these islands have been wasted and 
 worse, giving more trouble than wealth to their greedy 
 grabbers. Guadeloupe is in the shape of a pair of lungs, 
 has 619 square miles and a population of 200,000. Chris, 
 discovered it in 1493, and in the war-dance of nations it 
 has passed into the hands of the English, French and 
 Swedes many times. Its products are sugar, rum, manioc, 
 cacao, cotton, coffee, vanilla, yams. Basseterre is the capi- 
 tal. The island is cut in twain by the Salt River. The East 
 division is Grand terre and of coral formation; the West 
 part Is volcanic. Statistics state that married people make 
 up 20 per cent of the population, but this is a very liberal 
 estimate in the minds of careful calculators. 
 
 At last the happy day arrived — and the boat, "Puerto 
 Rico," that was to bear me away. Never before was I so 
 
SEASODOMS 159 
 
 thankful that ships were invented. Moses surely referred 
 to some ancient Guadeloupe when he said in Joshua 8, 1 — 
 ''And Joshua rose early in the morning; and they r-emoved 
 from Shittim and came to Jordan, he and all the children 
 of Israel, and lodged there before they passed over." Yet 
 I am grateful to have had the pleasure of visiting this island 
 of verdure and ordure, for now I am capable of enduring 
 most anything, even Gehenna, or St. Paul, should I be com- 
 pelled to live there. Another stop at Basseterre, then 
 something happened. The good ship had a stroke of paraly- 
 sis, and limped into Fort de France, Martinique, \^'here she 
 discharged her passengers and went to the dock to get cured. 
 
 WRECKED 
 
 In the harbor lay the half-sunk U. S. steamer ''Eon- 
 ham." She came here crippled from Venezuela, and asked 
 for pumps to keep from sinking, which the French first 
 granted, then took back, and so she sank. A bill was sent 
 in for 5,000 francs for the pump, and if I rightly remember, 
 this resulted in a lawsuit, the captain refusing to pay it. 
 Though permission was given to enter the harbor and sink, 
 the French now^ demand the "Bonham" be raised and re- 
 moved. Today she lies with bow up and stern in the mud. 
 A watchman had been placed on her, for the last few 
 months, to prevent the land thieves from stripping her 
 bare, but the watchman became lonesome, and made it a 
 "bum" boat, beguiling the long nights with champagne and 
 Creole lady friends. Did superstitious natives, going home 
 at night from the carnival, look at the silhouette of the 
 wrecked vessel and imagine there were ghosts and zombies 
 on it? What a fine place and background, or water, for a 
 Stevenson story. Watchman, what of the night? He was 
 finally discharged for drunkenness and immoral conduct 
 by the second mate who has remained to guard the com- 
 pany's interests. 
 
 The captain of the "Bonham" told me how he sailed 
 into this port from Venezuela, where a storm had driven 
 him on the rocks, and sank because the French governnient 
 steamship line (the Transatlantic Company) refused to aid 
 
160 SEASODOMS 
 
 him. He further said that for some minor matter he and 
 the second mate were put in chains here, dragged through 
 the streets, beaten, thrown into a room where they could 
 scarcely turn about, and when they asked for water to drink, 
 a bucketful was thrown over them. On their release they 
 were so angry they swore they would be glad to come to this 
 island on an American warship and blow it up. At the 
 office of Mr. Wallace, the American Consul at Fort de 
 France, I read the unjust and inhuman details of the affair 
 which made my blood boil, and was pleased to know the 
 matter was being presented to the State Department in 
 Washington. 
 
 DIRTY BATHS AND BOOKS 
 
 Not far from the capital, in the bosom of the hills, are 
 the Absalom sulphur baths, famous throughout the island, 
 fed by subterranean streams from distant Pelee. The 
 bath-house has separate rooms with small baths in the floor 
 a la Pompeii. The water of life is so good that it may be 
 taken inside and outside. You drink it, then dive in it, in 
 this order, and not as in old Russia when the Duchesses 
 washed in decoctions of roots mixed with brandy which they 
 afterwards drank. One Sunday afternoon, while splashing 
 about in my bath, a wave of song beat against the partition, 
 the voice of a woman who had respect for the day and was 
 singing Gounod's "Ave Maria." Suddenly there was an 
 interruption by staccato notes, made by popping champagne 
 corks, and above the sound of her voice and the fizz I heard 
 a strong basso profundo oath. Later, in the corridor, I saw 
 the two come out of the single bathroom. Who do you think 
 they were? The woman, a femme lubrique, and her mate, 
 the second mate of the "Bonham'' — upholder of morals and 
 sobriety, who had dismissed his watchman for irregular and 
 scandalous behavior on his ship. Subsequently at a dance- 
 hall I found him boisterous and drunk. Though his conduct 
 this Lord's day was not Scriptural, he was preaching an 
 eloquent sermon from the text in Romans: "0 man — for 
 wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; 
 for thou that judgest doest the same thing." These baths 
 
SEASODOMS 161 
 
 are well named "Absalom" — I visited his home in Hebron 
 where he was one of the bad boys. Martial has written 
 unmentionable epigrams on the Roman baths; too bad he 
 isn't living, for he could gather much material in this 
 roue's rendezvous. The young men of Martinique take their 
 lady friends, not to cabaret, for there is none, but to the 
 baths. In this sulphur atmosphere Lucifer matches are 
 made. 
 
 A few steps from the Cathedral in Fort de France you 
 may purchase some very choice literature in a chic little 
 shop presided over by a jeune fille who is tres joli. She is 
 very accommodating, will feed you peppermint and at the 
 same time cull photos and books from her collection that 
 would tickle the literary palate of the depraved Pietro Are- 
 tino himself, friend of Leo X. All the while she carries on 
 a dialogue conversation in double entendre with her cus- 
 tomer that entitles her to the soubriquet of * 'fille danger- 
 euse." At this place you may procure the following religious 
 works : "Les Vicieux precoces," ''Les Flagellants," "Les 
 Invertis," "L'Hermaphrodite," Le Fetichiste," ''Les Vieux 
 et TAmour," *'Le Grande Hysterie," "Les Femmes eu- 
 nuques," ''Depravees mystiques," "Abbes incestueux," "Tar- 
 tufes erotomanes," "Les Amants sanguinaires," "Perversion 
 amoureuse." As lurid as this are the lives of some of the 
 Martinicans, the bare recital of which would make another 
 "Heptameron" or "Decameron." One girl was pointed out 
 to me who had been ruined by a priest who attempted to 
 skip to France, but her brother seized him on the boat and 
 made him "father" his sister's child. Later the child died, 
 the father was unfrocked, and opened a book-store filled 
 with all the anti-clerical and skeptical works he could col- 
 lect. He died, and his widow conducted the same warfare 
 against the church in which she was brought up and 
 wronged. The Frenchman who told me this, smoothed over 
 the "father's" sin against the girl, but denounced the store 
 with its skeptical books against the church as "wicked and 
 sacriligeous." 
 
162 SEASODOMS 
 
 NAUGHTY MARTINIQUE 
 
 I stopped at the Hotel Renaissance that has the repu- 
 tation of being the most moral hotel in the capital. It faced 
 the bay and savanna so I could keep an eye on the marble 
 statue of Josephine that she might not suffer such an indig- 
 nity, in this city of satyrs, as that undergone by the statue 
 of Minerva with the Grecian lad Charmides, as related by 
 Wilde in his poem. It would seem the name "Renaissance" 
 included some of the nature of that morally decadent period, 
 for the dear old landlady, instead of objecting to her male 
 boarders who brought in women of the street and kept them 
 overnight, complimented them on their choice. I spent a 
 chilly first night because there were no sheets on the bed. 
 The next morning she acted surprised when I asked her for 
 covering. Did she expect me to keep warm sleeping with 
 someone else? 
 
 At night you must be like the cat and see in the dark to 
 avoid bumping into, spooning couples, who stand with arms 
 around each other, blocking the sidewalks and blissfully 
 oblivious of passers-by forced to step into the streets, dark 
 as the deeds done in them. One doubts whether Dekker's 
 Bellman ran across shadier life in ancient London than is 
 found here, or that there were worse abominations in the 
 purulent purlieus of Sodom. 
 
 Martinique had made progress since my visit of a year 
 ago. Two new, large dancing-palaces had been erected at 
 great expense. It was the Carnival season and all the dance- 
 halls ran in high speed. They were open day and night, 
 making the town an El Dorado of depravity. Merriment 
 was at its height and depth. In one of the new places 
 Cicero's advice was unheeded, "Hold off from sensuality, for 
 if you have given yourself up to it, you will find yourself 
 unable to think of anything else." The fiery pulse of sin 
 beat high. There were various dances with bizarre and 
 obscene posturing, with more delirium than delight and 
 passion than pleasure. All the steps at last merged into the 
 Danse Macabre — 
 
 "The dead are dancing with the dead. 
 The dust is whirling with the dust." 
 
SEASODOMS 163 
 
 A sea captain, just in from Marseilles, remarked that 
 the Martinicans acted worse in public than the girls in 
 France in houses of ill-fame. Signs of disorder were every- 
 where in this island dance hall — some on the wall giving 
 warning that revellers who grew disorderly would be 
 ejected.. Yet none were, for ^11 were perfectly proper, wig- 
 gling, writhing, wriggling, whirling about in the ball-room 
 with lights out, in repulsive, convulsive madness. Upstairs 
 frenzied females jumped up and down on the tables, hoot- 
 ing and howling, while in private wine-rooms demoiselles 
 damnees were dragged in drunk by their male companions, 
 and behind closed doors attempted to please after the man- 
 ner of Kallisto, the heroine of Louys' "A New Pleasure." 
 With Balzac, they believe that Debauchery, like poetry, is 
 a fine art. 
 
 From bal masque these witch Sabbatarians pour into 
 the streets, with faces flushed as the early dawn, and behind 
 a band of frantic musicians sway and swirl along in a hor- 
 rid, torrid gallop infernal of rebounding flesh — singing 
 ribald chansons — arrayed in carnival costumes like Machi- 
 avelli's chorus of demons who preceded the carnival proces- 
 sions in Florence, chanting — 
 
 ''And we, while the glad season spreads 
 The feast and dance, are with you now. 
 And must with you remain. 
 To foster grief and pain. 
 
 And plague you with fresh woes, and crimes that bring 
 forth woe." 
 
 At this Saturnalian season one wonders why the obscene 
 comedies of Aristophanes at the Dionysian festivals, or 
 Machiavelli's ''Mandragola" and **Clizia" presented at the 
 carnival of Bologna in 1526, would not be acceptable. 
 
 Fortunately my Martinique friend, Mac Bournie, was 
 in town, as a year ago. He gave me a wild whirl in his car 
 to see cities, and go to bathe at different beaches. At 
 Lamentin some natives suspected "L" and me with our 
 kodaks, and openly accused us of taking pictures to draw 
 plans to facilitate the impending conquest of the island with 
 U. S. troops. 
 
.164 SEA SODOMS 
 
 At Fort de France I met a writer sent out by the French 
 government to collect material for an official book on the 
 island. He wrote me a note saying he would "like to ex- 
 change ideas." Despite the fact of poor French exchange, 
 and that my ideas as embodied in my last year's book on the 
 Caribbean would probably h:ave but little attraction and 
 not be at all flattering, I went to meet him at the Hotel de 
 la Paix, where Mac was glad to act as interpreter. The 
 hotel name of "peace" semed odd because the hostelry 
 housed an American captain and vixen wife who waged 
 war day and night. "Hotel de la Guerre" would have been 
 a more fitting apellation. Like the heroes of Homer they 
 sassed each other, and words were not the only things that 
 passed between them. The captain showed me his hotel 
 bill — the word "paix" might have been spelled and pro- 
 nounced "pay." Speaking of hotels reminds me of the ten- 
 derfoot here who asked how much the rooms were at the 
 Hotel de Ville. 
 
 Millionaire Morgan's yacht, "The Corsair," nosed into 
 port one day. My mind went back to the time the pirates 
 sailed here and made themselves at home. They did fairly 
 well and managed to make a humble living, but only think 
 what they might have done with modern methods. What 
 was old Port Royal to Wall St., New York. Surely, brother 
 Jasper, "the world do move." But — page the elevator boy 
 .- — are we going up or down? 
 
 The islanders had reverted to savagery in their drink- 
 ing, dancing and debauchery, and if St. Pierre was de- 
 stroyed in 1902 by the volcano Pelee on account of its wick- 
 edness, I feared another eruption was imminent, and so 
 wanted to get away. This was impossible since boats were 
 booked three months ahead. But across this gloomy pros- 
 pect beamed the light of a crescent pin worn by a Shriner, 
 who said, "Hello, what are you doing here?" I told him 
 my dilemma. The Noble was from 'Frisco, his name was 
 John Percival, and he was the captain of the U. S. Shipping 
 Board freighter "Moosehausjc" riding at anchor in the bay. 
 He told me he would have us signied as "able-bodied sea- 
 men" on his ship. This he did. 
 
SEASODOMS 165 
 
 BEFORE THE MAST 
 
 Adieu Martinique, isle consecrated to Venus Pandemos. 
 The "Moosehausic" crew was made up of well-behaved 
 young men — one had spent several days in the Fort de 
 France jail for attacking the dignity of a gendarme with a 
 chunk of coal, while two-thirds of them were painfully re- 
 calling the Scripture, "The pleasures of sin are but for a 
 season." Three or four days out several viveurs made a 
 rathskiellar of the engine-room, which ended in one of the 
 leaders- being gently restrained with handcuffs and put into 
 dry storage. A few of the far-seeing ones had made a se- 
 lection and collection of choice wines and liquors in Mar- 
 tinique which they smuggled aboard and stowed in the lock- 
 ers, and to which they frequently repaired. Our captain 
 did not want them to become dipsomaniacs, and so one 
 m.orning 19 bottles of cognac and rum were brought on 
 deck. He stood at the gang, and as the chief engineer 
 handed them to him, he hurled them against the side of the 
 ship with a crash and splash, thus giving the **Moosehausic" 
 a more glorious christening than she ever had. This looks 
 like ^'wasteful and ridiculous excess," but it is a Shipping 
 Board boat and no one is permitted to drink on it — openly. 
 The craft was built in Newark, N. J., where I was born, and 
 as a matter of course was first-class every way in size, 
 capacity, shape and speed. From the captain on the bridge 
 to the chief engineer below deck, she was America A No. 1, 
 and you may know all that means by taking a trip on her, 
 as we did, in many respects the finest during 25 years of 
 ocean travel. Venus was the captain's and mates' guiding 
 star. The captain was a raconteur whose sentimental jour- 
 neys around the globe were equal to anything Sterne or 
 Maupassant have written. This ship worked no hardship, 
 it was a big family affair. Signed as an able-bodied sea- 
 man, my arduous task was to polish the steam of the whis- 
 tle, pour ice-water at the captain's table, and tell stories to 
 the ship officers. While necessarily the quarters of the 
 officers and crew were different, the food was the same, and 
 for variety and amount, three times a day and on the side- 
 board by night, it almost tempted me to change my profes- 
 sion and become an epicure the rest of my life, and so 
 
166 SEASODOMS 
 
 illustrate the philosopher's definition that man is nothing 
 but a digesting apparatus. 
 
 Out from Jucaro, Cuba, there are many keys, yet they 
 don't let you into anything but trouble, with their shallow 
 soundings, unless you have a pilot. The "Moosehausic" be- 
 came frightened and whistled for one, that is, one of the 
 fishermen who cruise about in sail-boats. None came, so 
 the captain and mate cautiously sounded our way through 
 water between 18 and 24 feet deep. The isles were lovely, 
 as were the coral sands and silvery fish beneath us, still I 
 fear the captain did not appreciate it, and probably ques- 
 tioned the Creator's wisdom in manufacturing so many 
 islands around this coast. We anchored six miles from 
 Jucaro, and from Friday afternoon till Monday noon loafed, 
 lolled and waited for the doctor who never came. Had Job 
 been one of our party methinks he would have fractured 
 his reputation for patience and piety and uttered a few 
 "cuss" words. Saturday, Feb. 12th, we prisoners on ship- 
 board celebrated the birthday of the world's greatest Eman- 
 cipator, Lincoln, with picture, flag, lemonade and Lincoln 
 stories. Monday noon the agent arrived from Jucaro with 
 the news that the doctor could not be found, and with a pilot 
 who took us about 15 miles away to Boca Chica, where we 
 were 0. K.'d by a young physician from a sugar-mill ready 
 to load the ship with sugar and send her on her way. That 
 night two custom inspectors came aboard to see that no 
 booze was smuggled to our crew from the sugar-lighters. 
 Like all good watchmen, the first thing they wanted to do 
 was to go asleep. They complained of the quarters assigned 
 them below with the crew, and threatened to tie up the boat. 
 The captain smiled, and gave orders to make them "sick," 
 by placing them in the hospital on the upper deck, the floor 
 of which was the ceiling of the cook's galley. Then he 
 smiled again and ordered second mate Finn to finish their 
 complaint by sneaking up in the dark, before they went to 
 bed, and nailing shut the windows so there would be no 
 breeze. Then thrice smiled he when chief engineer New- 
 combe went above and turned on the heat. And still yet 
 again he smiled when he ordered the cook not to let the fire 
 go out in the kitchen. Ordinarily, the hospital floor would 
 serve as a gridiron for heretics in the Middle Ages, and any 
 
SEASODOMS 167 
 
 foolish cockroach who ventured across it was fried and 
 dried. Then imagine what it was, when like Nebuchadnez- 
 zar's furnace it was heated seven times hotter than was 
 wont. 
 
 CUBAN TOWNS 
 
 Captain Percival, *'L" and I left for Jucaro early next 
 morning — before the cutsom officers were up. I trust they 
 enjoyed their night's rest and sweated out some of their 
 Cuban guile and bile. The agent's launch carried us safely 
 to Jucaro. Wast thou ever here, traveled reader, or didst, 
 belike, hear of this town? I wot not. Thou wilt not find 
 its many attractions enumerated in any guide-book. Be- 
 tween worn-out, ruined sail-boats, we entered a small slip 
 and then started up town. I was pleased to observe the 
 originality of the petite plaza that had no band-stand or 
 statue, and that the chickens promenading there were of 
 the feathered variety. Our right to walk on the narrow 
 sidewalks was vigorously disputed by an amplitudinous, 
 motherly sow taking a quiet siesta with her family that lit- 
 tered the way. Priam had many sons, so has Mr. Perez, 
 and they own and run the business of Jucaro. The city has 
 no church — and the biped inhabitants were most happy in 
 their thatch huts. The ferro-carril bumped us to Ciego de 
 Avilla, and the speed recalled the railroad line, "Passengers 
 will please not pick flowers along the way while the train 
 is in motion." This is a *'boom" town and the streets, stores 
 and public buildings should have some Bret Harte write 
 them up. One smiles at the big, boorish, cowboy-hatted 
 men striding down the wind-swept streets, but what do they 
 care so long as Fortune smiles on them. Heine satirized 
 the citizens of Hamburg, comparing them to so many pieces 
 of coin rolling through the streets ; here it is almost literally 
 true, for you see the Ciego de Avillains wearing ten and 
 twenty-dollar gold pieces for belt-buckles, stick-pins and 
 watch-fobs. They supposed I was in this class, and at the 
 hotel, barber shop and in auto-buss I was shorn of super- 
 fluous hair and change. I picked up a newspaper. I knew 
 that death followed disease in life, yet was not quite pre- 
 
168 SEASODOMS 
 
 pared to see a vile venereal disease ad above a public obitu- 
 ary. When the v^ind blew my hat off I v^as in a mood to 
 collect an army and v^age war against it, like the people 
 spoken of by Herodotus who carried arms against the South 
 wind. For so small a town the segregated district was un- 
 usually large, and sitting by windows and open doors were 
 many bedizened dames who combined business and pleasure, 
 but not beauty. It is their duty to suck fire from veins and 
 pour poison there in its stead. The circus blew into town 
 with its bare-back riders and exponents of talents and 
 tights, yet the best of friends must part, and we adios'd 
 them at the depot. 
 
 The Santiago Snail Express that had crawled across 
 the island with us four years ago, and was now quite likely 
 making its return trip, gave ample time to get seated, and 
 with it we slowly left Jucaro. Shakespeare says, "Sleep no 
 more, • Macbeth doth murder sleep," but Mac had nothing 
 on this murderous train. Napoleon napped on horseback, 
 yet it would require a greater than he to sleep on this iron 
 nightmare that jerked us fore and aft and pitched us up 
 and down all night. You know how Godfrey of Bouillon 
 felt when he entered the city of Hierusalem — then you have 
 a faint impression of '*L" 's and my joy when, by the 
 Dawn's early light, we beheld the holy, most godly. Christ- 
 like, pure, wise, unearthly, most filled with the Holy Ghost 
 city of Havana. 
 
 THE SEAMY SIDE OF HAVANA 
 
 Havana is the same old city I have so often visited and 
 written about, but with this newest and most surprising 
 thing. Listen and learn. One day, in this city whose most 
 absorbing occupation is dissipation and gallantry, a young 
 man seriously asked me whether the Bible still meant v/hat 
 it said about adultery, and whether it was really wrong for 
 him to be in love with another man's wife. tempora ! 
 mores! 
 
MARTINIQUE MARDI GRAS 
 
HAVANA CARNIVAL FLOAT 
 
SEASODOMS 171 
 
 Havana has cast the spell of "paradise" over the United 
 States, and this is the way she spells it — 
 
 P alms 
 
 A ngels 
 
 R iches 
 
 A mours 
 
 D rink 
 
 I dleness 
 
 S ociety 
 
 E ntertainment 
 
 The siren voice of this Circean city ever calls : "Come, 
 with your private yacht, on the Gulf Stream of Gold ; come, 
 with full purse and empty head and heart ; come, you 'best' 
 society that you may be seen at your worst ; come, all ye who 
 would desert the temple of your mind and soul for my pal- 
 ace of fleshly pleasures." 
 
 Havana is the place where bad people go to have a good 
 time. The more disreputable the resort, the more popular 
 it is with high society. It is a Fool's Paradise — a lunatic 
 limbo for people with loud clothes, lots of money, loose 
 morals and light heads. 
 
 Havana is still the home of "yellow" fever — not the 
 mosquito variety — but the "gold" bug kind, which is found 
 everywhere, especially in the hotels. Cuba is the island 
 where Nature sings "The Palms," not only on Palm Sunday, 
 but every day of the year. The Royal palm tree extends 
 from Santiago to Havana, and like it is the palm of the 
 hotel-keeper always extended for more. One price is 
 charged and another collected, an unreasonable bill of one 
 day doubled the next. You wire in advance for front rooms 
 and are promised them. You arrive late at night and are 
 shoved into a back, small, stuffy room for the same price. 
 You complain and are told next morning that someone came 
 who offered more money. Even then you are informed the 
 room you just occupied is worth more money and you must 
 pay it or go elsewhere. During the tourist season there are 
 no rights a Havana landlord is bound to respect. If you 
 tell him your bill is too high, he blandly informs you that 
 the city has an excellent aeroplane service which is always 
 
172 SEASODOMS 
 
 available. Havana has ever been the haunt of pirates, and 
 it's about time that the ancient practise of garroting them 
 was revived. 
 
 In Havana what do you go to see? See your money go. 
 Nero spent $150,000 for a single dish ; if he had waited, he 
 might have purchased it a trifle cheaper in Havana. Here 
 one pays the price of luxuries for necessities. Shoe-stores 
 on Obispo and O'Reilly streets should be called ''freeboot- 
 eries." Clothing prices threaten to drive the poor to fig-leaf 
 fashion garments. 
 
 Many are the travelers here, like Pantagruel, in search 
 of the Dive Bouteille — Holy Bottle, and who believe in its 
 oracular utterance — **Drink!" The man who holds in ven- 
 eration the memory of Noah, notices on entering Havana 
 that the harbor entrance is "bottle-necked," and well "forti- 
 fied" — with booze. The "Fountain of Youth" here is not 
 water, but "cask"ades of wine and beer, etc. However, one 
 needs the purse of Croesus, for if you want to drink you 
 must pay what the bar wants to charge — a price as exorbi- 
 tant as smuggled liquor brings in the States. If you remon- 
 strate with the bartender, you may send for the manager, 
 as my friend did, and have him say, "Don't bother me — tell 
 your troubles to a policeman." If you are mad and tired 
 of Cuba, go to Guadeloupe and Martinique in the French 
 West Indies where the rent-hog is unknown ; where a good 
 room rents for $7 a month ; where a course dinner, with a 
 bottle of wine, at the best hotel costs only 40 cents ; where 
 rum punch is 3 cents a glass, wine 5c, and the best brands 
 of champagne $1.60 to $2.00 a quart. In Cuba you pay 
 $2.50 for a bottle of wine, and $12 for a quart of cham- 
 pagne. At Martinique I met a captain of a freighter from 
 Marseilles who was sailing to New Orleans with 40 tons of 
 wines and champagnes for that port on his manifest. He 
 said he had been offered $50,000 for six months to run a 
 fishing smack between Cuba and Florida to smuggle liquor. 
 He had bought whisky at 2 shillings six-pence a quart and 
 sold it for $10 a quart. 
 
 Pascal wrote that man was the "glory and scum of the 
 universe." Much of the scum of United States has floated 
 to Havana. The lure of "spiritual" elixirs (there is a ver- 
 mouth in town known as "Vaticano") has brought a "bum" 
 
SEASODOMS 173 
 
 element to the island. Havana has become a convention 
 city for crooks who frequent the race-track, saloons and 
 gambling-hells. Most appropriately has the outline of Cuba 
 been compared to the hammer-headed shark. Fights and 
 brawls are common; city jails are full of American drunks 
 and toughs. Cuba has imported laborers from Haiti to 
 raise cane, but the worst '*Cain-raisers" have come from 
 the U. S. Sterne said, *'An Englishman does not travel to 
 see Englishman" — an American does not care to journey 
 here to meet such Americans. 
 
 The tourist, robbed right and left, need have litle fear 
 of Havana senoritas stealing away his heart. Her beauty 
 is largely mythical. As a rule, the Cuban woman looks as 
 if she used a barrel of flour to powder her face, and her 
 body is built on barrel-hoop lines. To powder she adds 
 paint — mama and her daughters are about the only paint- 
 ings one finds in town. After viewing and reviewing these 
 Spanish ''beauties" (so inferior to our American beauties in 
 the garden of love) , one does not feel inclined to purchase 
 the books sold in the stores : 'The Art of Kissing in Twelve 
 Lessons," "The Art of Caressing in Twelve Lessons." 
 
 The Havana "angel" is an adorable, endurable inutil- 
 ity — an expensive luxury on which to hang fine clothes and 
 diamonds. Pythagoras made it a rule to review every night 
 what he had done during the day. Were she to follow his 
 example, I fear she would soon be through, for she appears 
 to be master of the art of doing nothing important. 
 
 Havana harbors many "ladies" of that species one 
 calls ladies only between quotation marks. God made Cuba, 
 but the Devil invented some of Havana's pastimes. The 
 Cuban is "revolting" in his pleasures as well as in his poli- 
 tics. Streets along the water-front are lined by open bars 
 and brothels brilliantly lighted — a mistake, because the in- 
 mates resemble female Calibans. 
 
 The witchery of the old time wanton is no more. With 
 Flaubert one laments the passing of the fille de joie: "In 
 olden times she was beautiful when she walked up the steps 
 leading to the temple, when on her shell-like feet fell the 
 golden fringe of her tunic, or when she lounged among 
 Persian cushions, twirling her collar of cameos and chat- 
 ting with the wise men and philosophers. She was beauti- 
 
174 SEASODOMS 
 
 ful when she stood naked on the threshold of her cella in 
 the street of Suburra, under the rosin torchlight that blazed 
 in the night, slowly chanting her Campanian lay, while 
 from the Tiber came the refrains of the orgies. She was 
 beautiful, too, in her old house of the Cite behind the Gothic 
 windows, among the noisy students, when without fear of 
 the sergeants, they struck the oaken tables with their pew- 
 ter mugs, and the worm-eaten beds creaked beneath the 
 weight of their bodies. She was beautiful when she leaned 
 over the green cloth and coveted the gold of the provincials ; 
 then she wore high-heels and had a small waist and a large 
 wig which shed its perfumed powder on her shoulders, a 
 rose over her ear and a patch on her cheek. Fear not that 
 she will ever return, for she is dead, quite dead." 
 
 In spite of the Cuban's boasted love of music, I attended 
 a fine Italian Opera at the Teatro National where the song- 
 birds sang to empty seats. The city press made little an- 
 nouncement before the concert and gave no comment on it 
 afterwards. The reporters of the local press are said to 
 receive $150 a month subsidy from the government; possi- 
 bly the opera manager did not offer them enough to boost 
 his musical game. Havana audiences are not so apprecia- 
 tive of an artist's throat as the necklace around it. This 
 is nothing new. Four years ago when I was here Paderewski 
 was given a chilly reception. His audience was small and 
 their appreciation and applause even smaller. It was so 
 shameful that he cancelled one of his concerts. One news- 
 paper said it was because of rheumatism in his fingers. I 
 don't think so. It was the inartistic, indifferent, icy heart 
 of Havana, and just what you may expect where people 
 think more of a dancer's shapely foot than of the hand or 
 voice of the world's greatest artists. Frederick the Great, 
 who tried to do without sleep, would have enjoyed this city, 
 because the night is filled with noise and noisome dust. 
 Garbage cans set up and upset furnish "canned" music 
 quite as melodic as other "canned" selections you hear in 
 native homes. 
 
 Ten miles from town is situated the notorious "Casino" 
 which is trying to emulate Monte Carlo with its glare, gold 
 and girls. If you win anything there, you are lucky to get 
 back to town with it without being murdered or robbed. 
 
SEASODOMS 175 
 
 Recently a young man, who made a fortune over night, dis- 
 appeared, and all they found of him was his leg. Not long 
 ago a stark naked woman was discovered dead near the 
 "Casino." The mystery has not yet been cleared up. At 
 the gate entrance of this palatial gambling-hell I noticed 
 policemen taking the license number of every auto that ar- 
 rived to keep track of the chauffeurs, many of whom are 
 crooks and cut-throats. If you do survive, and reach Ha- 
 vana in safety, the size of your bill makes you feel very 
 "automobilious." Sad but true, it is easier to locate our 
 diplomatic officials at the "Casino" at night, than in their 
 offices during the day. 
 
 At the Oriental race-track I made quite a sum of money 
 by not betting on a certain horse which a kindly disposed, 
 disinterested man urged me to put my money on. Yes, the 
 horse lost — I do not think he has yet come in under the wire. 
 The track has a bad name even among sports. There was 
 no exhibition of fine, fast horses or fast time, simply a fast 
 set who threw the races to the bettors who gave the most 
 graft. Boozing, betting and profanity were the character- 
 istics of the human race at the horse-race. Yet foreign, 
 literary, dramatic and musical reviews are crowded out of 
 newspaper columns for daily ads and write-ups on the ele- 
 vating amusement of the "Casino" and race-track. 
 
 One cannot make an inventory of paradise in Havana 
 without mentioning the carnival, with its masking, merri- 
 ment and madness when the inhabitants rival ancient Cy- 
 prus in carousing and carnality. At the Malecon I watched 
 them throw kisses and confetti — the confetti was six inches 
 deep, and I wondered how it would be cleared up till I re- 
 membered the number of "rakes" there were on the boule- 
 vards. The Cuban's idea of heaven is an endless Mardi Gras 
 where he may throw star-dust confetti and waltz with the 
 angels. However, the Havana carnival lacks the spontaneity 
 and gayety of Nice, Venice and Martinique, it being more 
 of a fashion show. 
 
 The populace takes little note of time save in the dance. 
 All society, from A to Z, thronged the theatres and club- 
 houses where they revolved like automata on a music-box. 
 I witnessed one ball in a small hall where six policemen 
 were stationed to keep the dancers within the bounds of 
 
176 SEA SODOMS 
 
 decency. My cane was confiscated and checked for fear 
 some bon vivant would take it from me and run amuck 
 with it. 
 
 The cornerstone in Havana's Temple of Folly is the 
 Carnival. We supposed we had buried the Mardi Gras in 
 Ash Wednesday, but it had risen here Sunday with a 
 Phoenix swoop. Havana senores, senoritas, caballeros, 
 muchachos and ninas are noted for their strict observance 
 of the Sabbath, i.e., to flirt, gad and promenade, and for 
 spending their money only for necessities, i.e., at Sunday 
 carnival time on gasoline, confetti, serpentines, floats, 
 masks, balls, costumes and a pandemonium of pleasure that 
 runs riot from the Plaza down the Prado and around the 
 Malecon. From noon till night there was blare of horns, 
 glare of glances, decorated autos, festoons of flowers, trucks 
 pulled by caracolling horses, and loads of mad merry-mak- 
 ers full of animal spirits and the other kind, ''Vermouth 
 Magno," a giant bottle float of which headed the procession. 
 "Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb, like the sun; it 
 shines everywhere." When old Sol said good-night to El 
 Morro, and the streets were illuminated by flaming piles of 
 confetti that had been raked up and set afire, it was sym- 
 bolical of the many pyres of fiery pleasures in the city on 
 which its youth are immolated. ''Do as you please" is Ha- 
 vana's motto. On street and in ball-room women and girls 
 shrieked and screamed at the top of their voices. Evident- 
 ly they do not believe in Shakespeare's compliment to the 
 sex, "Her voice was ever soft, gentle and low; an excellent 
 thing in woman." Yea, man and woman are but clowns 
 dancing on the edge of an abyss. Italy for painting, Greece 
 for sculpture, Germany for music, France for liberty, Eng- 
 land for literature, America for money, and Cuba for 
 "Cheer, cheer, the gang's all here." 
 
 Cuba has declared a moratorium, yet the people are 
 neither paying each other nor the U. S., and act as if sugar 
 were 25c a pound. They cry for financial aid, yet I wit- 
 nessed a Sunday carnival where $75,000 was foolishly 
 thrown away like so much confetti. 
 
 The Havana youth is a dapper dude who improves his 
 mind by strutting and staring on the Plazas, and accosting 
 women with insulting looks and words. With him cursing 
 
SEA SODOMS 177 
 
 passes for rhetoric. His curriculum includes the race-track, 
 cock-pit and roulette table, and he pursues sport more than 
 studies. He is familiar with all liquors except the stimu- 
 lating wine of progress. 
 
 The island, with all its sugar, is far from sweet — it is 
 rank and rotten, and politics smells to heaven. The Havana 
 politicians are most skilled in deception, and they accept 
 the charge of corruption as a compliment. They impoverish 
 the city and enrich themselves. Their favorite mottos are : 
 "In Graft we trust," "Public office is a private steal," 
 "Dishonesty is the best policy," "Get in and get away with 
 it." "Thou shalt steal" is the commandment they specially 
 observe. Their idea of happiness is to hold up the election 
 returns and to congest commerce in the harbor. At a recent 
 election in a country district, bullets were more in evidence 
 than ballots. The politician is always puffing away at his 
 cigaret, recalling Tolstoi's observation that men smoke to 
 stifle their conscience. Politics and sport are the two lead- 
 ing words in the Cuban's vocabulary. He has been weighed 
 in the balance and found wanting in respect to virility, 
 initiative, will power, tenacity, conscience and pure regard 
 for women. 
 
 Cuba is retrograding. Schools are poor and inefficient, 
 churches empty, and the majority of the men atheists. 
 Trains run with the speed of a glacier ; it is quicker to send 
 a letter than a telegram. Ships are delayed indefinitely. 
 Recently a boat was held up at Jucaro for two days because 
 the doctor had made a trip to Havana. 
 
 The island has many Spanish descendants who "Re- 
 member the Maine," and who have nothing but contempt 
 for the United States, God has made Cuba beautiful with 
 her altar-like mountains, smile of the sea, waving palms, 
 fragrant fruits and flowers and sweet cane-fields, but Satan 
 has entered this Eden and left his slimy trail. Cuba, "The 
 Pearl of the Antilles," has been trampled under the hoofs 
 of human swine. Too often the C in Cuban character 
 stands for cupidity, carnality, crookedness, cabals, char- 
 latinism, "Caramba" cursing, and contempt for Americans. 
 
 Lot left Sodom and was saved. As I sailed away from 
 Havana I thought what a wonderful city it was — from the 
 stern of a ship. "Adios," I cried, "city where pleasure is a 
 
178 SEA SODOMS 
 
 rite, idleness a duty and depravity an accomplishment, 
 Vanity, vanity, all is Havanity, saith the preacher." 
 
 ADVERTISING FLORIDA 
 
 All things are possible and most things come to pass, 
 so at last I was with "Governor Cobb" who took me over to 
 Key West where I met Miss "Mascotte." A night on this 
 old tub was very pleasant — according to Gautier's definition 
 that the pleasure of travel lies in difficulty and fatigue. 
 After vainly attempting to court Somnus, I left my martyr 
 couch and crawled on deck. Night was very extravagant 
 and had all the light of the moon and stars turned on. These 
 resplendent scintillations were all for the benefit of a swarm 
 of spiggety cigarmakers, returning to Tampa after a year's 
 strike, who jammed the narrow decks and moaned and 
 puked the scuppers full. 
 
 Next noon we arrived at Tampa Bay where De Soto 
 had preceded us by 382 years. This puissant rascallion, 
 who with Pizarro had been a stick-up artist in Peru, and 
 like the rest of those conquistadores would set the four cor- 
 ners of the world on fire to roast his own chestnuts, came 
 to Florida to disembowel and dispossess the Indians of their 
 wealth. He swore to God that his enterprise was under- 
 taken for Him alone. Being solicitous for his men's eternal 
 salvation, he brought priests and monks along with him in 
 addition to fetters and bloodhounds. His ships carried the 
 sacred vessels and he invested in vestments and was well 
 stocked with eucharistic bread and wine. As a butcher of 
 red Indian meat he was a success ; as a gold-finder and soul- 
 saver, a failure. However, to be just, we must credit him 
 with introducing many brands of misery heretofore un- 
 known to the simple savage. After wading through swamps 
 of mud and sloughs of despondency, and being attacked by 
 savages and fever, he had the good judgment to quit, and 
 following the example of the frogs in the marsh, "croaked." 
 Thus ended his brilliant record of uninterrupted avarice. 
 After life's fitful fever he rests in the bed of the Mississippi 
 river covered over with a thick blanket of yellow mud. 
 
SEASODOMS 179 
 
 Where he failed others have since succeeded, and in 
 fruits, cigars, hotels, resorts and real estate deals made 
 millions. Port Tampa seemed to be practicing the divine 
 right of stagnation — the best thing we sav^ was the depot 
 where we boarded a train for Tampa. Here were shacks, 
 big hotels,' business houses, stores, cigar-factories, citrus 
 fruit plants, fish markets, phosphate and fuller's earth, and 
 churches of sanctified dullness, undeviating stupidity and 
 tedious Te Deums. I was so anxious to leave that my taxi 
 broke the speed limit to the ferry where the gang was being 
 drawn in, and I jumped on it and got aboard. Judge Free- 
 man P. Lane, my former Minneapolis friend, was on this 
 "City of Philadelphia," and the stories of old days and of 
 his travels abroad made the distance to St. Petersburg far 
 too short. 
 
 On the pier I spied the Spa with its ''Fountain of 
 Youth" which Ponce had overlooked. St. Petersburg, Flor- 
 ida, rivals the Russian city founded by Peter the Great I 
 had visited some years ago. You may not know it, but this 
 St. Pete, is proclaimed a "paradise" (for invalids), "the 
 promised land" (for real estate speculators), "the sunshine 
 city" (which accounts for life's walking shadows on Central 
 Avenue, the Nevsky Prospect of the city). Many of the 
 shadows rest on the bright green benches blossoming along 
 both sides of the street. Here genarians, octo and sexa, 
 from North and other compass points, come to save funeral 
 expenses. Some of them were reading — was it Cicero's 
 "De Senectute," or those more classic productions, "The St. 
 Petersburg Independent" and "St. Petersburg Times?" St. 
 Pete, is a seat of learning and many are the chairs in parks 
 filled by philosophical-looking men and women. The city 
 has many churches, but these are the real orthodox "bench- 
 warmers" who worship the sun, for the only czars in this 
 St. Petersburg are the "Zar"athustrians, fire-worshippers. 
 
 Boosters tell us this is one of the most "interesting 
 winter resorts" in the U. S. I went to the park where the 
 band was playing icy airs and the people were sitting in 
 "enwrapped" attention. The band was not the only thing 
 playing, for sitting out in the open, or in rustic shelter 
 houses— not half so rustic as the players from Iowa and 
 Dakota — were people pursuing the feverish pleasures of 
 
180 SEASODOMS 
 
 checkers, chess, dominoes, croquet, and roque. What I 
 thought a cockpit proved to be a roost of human buzzards 
 watching an animated tournament of horseshoe and quoit 
 players. Shades of the classic discobolus! How different 
 the outlines of these farmers to the 5th century quoit- 
 throwers of Myron. As I felt the icy blast, and saw around 
 me the members of the Overcoat Club, I saw the city admin- 
 istrators were not lying when they called it a "winter re- 
 sort." As for ''interesting/' the study of these people rivals 
 that of the specimens found in asylums. What would you 
 think of men and women in coats and furs sitting in Lincoln, 
 Central or Loring park playing chess and dominoes ? Look- 
 ing up at trees festooned with Spanish moss, it required 
 little imagination, to think they were covered with snow 
 and icicles. Enthusiasts proclaim the weather ''flawless" 
 in St. Pete. During my stay the streets were flooded with 
 things other than sunshine — evidently the sky's reservoir 
 had several "flaws" through which the rain leaked. St. 
 Pete, is ye moral towne. Here are no ballad and w^hore 
 mongers, as in Cuba and the Spanish main, but fishmongers. 
 There is a bigger choice of fish than old Walton ever saw — 
 tarpon, kingfish, amber jacks, mackerel, pompano, cobia, 
 robalo, trout, weakfish, redfish, yellowtails, jew-fish, sheeps- 
 head, snapper, flounder, grouper. You may catch all of 
 these and more, but beware lest the land shark catch you. 
 In the Russian St. Petersburg I was shadowed by spies, 
 here I was stalked by the real estate speculator of whom I 
 could not say with Macbeth, "Thou hast no speculation in 
 those eyes which thou dost glare with." He not only sells 
 land by the sponge and bucketful, but climate also, as is 
 done in California and Hawaii. One chunk of climate on 
 one. corner may be worth $1,000, while 100 feet away it may 
 be worth $4,000. On Sunday in auto, on beach, street, or 
 in store, tourists are legitimate prey. Hunting and fishing 
 are nothing to the real estate game. Its promoters are said 
 to haunt the dying and to tell them not to go, for St. Peters- 
 burg is better than anything St. Peter can show them over 
 there. Like the chameleon, those who live here are expected 
 to live on air. They say the climate and people are perfect, 
 and Creation can teach them nothing. A landman autoed 
 me to a beach and offered to show me some property, but 
 
S E A S O D O M S 181 
 
 the sun'vS reflection (it happened to be shining that day) 
 from the white sand and water was so blinding, and the 
 half-naked bathing girls so dazzling, T couldn't see it. No 
 other county in Florida is so well supplied with brick roads, 
 St. Pete, itself having 55 miles of paved streets, nor is there 
 so little to be seen on the way. The country is as flat as a 
 billiard table, and the cabbage-palm monotonously breaks 
 the monotony. In florid Florida folders they ring the changes 
 on this arboreal asset as much as Japan does on her P'uji- 
 yama, but picturesquely speaking, one can live longer among 
 mountains than with cabbage-palms without being bored. 
 True, the state raises the finest oranges and grape fruit — 
 also some of the poorest specimens of humanity known as 
 crackers. An Indian mound was pointed out to me as an 
 ancient lookout— it looked more to me as though the sav- 
 ages had enjoyed a gigantic clam bake and left the shells. 
 This "city beautiful" makes much of "solid comfort," but 
 since it is a liquid variety that most travelers are looking 
 for, it loses many prospective patrons who stop at Miami 
 and Palm Beach and are so steeped with its intoxicating at- 
 mosphere they are unable to get further away. In St. Pete, 
 people are as careless and reckless as in the East coast re- 
 sorts. In the park I read a scribbled note tacked to a tree 
 
 to the effect that Mr. B , from South Dakota, dropped 
 
 a one-dollar bill near this spot, and if found to kindly re- 
 turn to the owner. St. Pete, is a pulmonary paradise — 
 spitting seems to be a religious exercise like that performed 
 by the M^ssalians who thought they breathed devils in the 
 air, and spat them out continually. If troubled with in- 
 somnia, the best sleeping potion I can suggest is the local 
 press and folders ; if you have asthmatics, listen to the long- 
 winded ministers and lecturers here and learn how it is 
 done; if rheumatic, look at the hustling real estate agent 
 and follow his example. The color line extends from Ma- 
 son's and Dixon's to Florida's Key West. In St, Pete, this 
 dark line is seen in train and street car-lines, and. in the 
 boast of the public schools and churches where there is sep- 
 aration and segregation. This beautifully eliminates, in 
 church, the idea of love your brother man, and in public 
 school, the idea of liberty for all. 
 
182 SEASODOMS 
 
 If you tire of the city's madding crowd, fail to enthuse 
 or wax ecstatic over St. Pete., and sigh for a "lodge in some 
 vast wilderness," take a "Jungle" streetcar and ride out ten 
 miles where you may enjoy umbriferous happiness, look 
 way out over sun or moon-lit bay, listen to plaintive note of 
 bird, know that the wildest animal in this jungle is the tour- 
 ist, and that the sound that causes horripilation is nothing 
 but the rush and siren horn of the motor-bus to Tampa. 
 
 If you care to pass a few hours and be grilled by the 
 sun, go to Pass a Grille, and bathe, fish and catch stone- 
 crabs. I saw several boats full of fishers, and wished I was 
 one of them, in spite of what Swift says that a fish-pole has 
 bait on one end and a fool on the other. 
 
 Belleair is the spot where blue sky, green land and 
 water invite America's poor millionaires who are weary of 
 clipping coupons and the mental worry of outshining, din- 
 ing and wining their society neighbors. Here they recu- 
 perate and go back refreshed to grind out more money from 
 the needy poor. Don't think they spend all their time at 
 Belleair eating, drinking and sleeping, for you must know 
 there is situated here a great institute of learning whose 
 "courses" are very popular. I saw many engaged in the 
 intellectual pursuit of golf -playing, and was pleased to see 
 them making the most of their time and not wasting it in 
 trifling art, religion, politics and philanthropy. 
 
 Leaving this Mecca of moneybags we reached Jackson- 
 ville, Florida's big depot, where you catch a train to travel 
 elsewhere. The whirligig of time has brought about many 
 changes from the day French explorers found savages here 
 who said they were 250 years old, till now when you find 
 many wild young men and women who live at such a pace 
 they die before fifty. I could a tale unfold of Florida's his- 
 tory — a bloody record of conspiracy, sedition, mutiny, 
 butchery, cannibalism, war, famine and massacre — from 
 the time of the murderous Menendez, to the American gov- 
 ernment's shameful persecution of the Seminole Indians, 
 more stenchful than the Everglade swamps it drove them 
 to — ^but to do this would simply be to echo the curses of the 
 Caribbean I have already written about. 
 
'^ . SEASODOMS 183 
 
 MY NATIVE LAND, GOOD-NIGHT 
 
 Let us pass on with the train to a more pleasant state 
 of affairs — Georgia, named after George II, who, as Thack- 
 eray says, was false to his wife and hated his son, had 
 neither- morals, manners nor wit, and wasn't much missed 
 when he died in a fit. Georgia is further famed for English 
 debtors, Indian wars, slavery, secession, Ku Klux Klan, 
 corruption, child-labor, convicts, coca-cola, peaches and 
 crackers. Today, in dear old Georgia, Southern chivalry 
 and justice have recently been illustrated by the light of 
 negroes burning at the stake, and the system of black peon- 
 age which planters sought to hide by chaining their negro 
 workmen, tossing them in the river, or burying them in post 
 holes — not to mention other unmentionable atrocities, intim- 
 idating the colored voter, and compelling him to sell his 
 home. As we journeyed through Tennessee with its his- 
 toric battlefields, national cemeteries and monuments, I 
 felt thankful my father volunteered and left his family for 
 the Civil War which freed the slaves and gave them the 
 privilege to vote. It was a relief to breathe the free air of 
 the North, of Illinois and Minnesota, where there is no 
 such race prejudice — except that not long ago in Chicago 
 and Duluth there were fierce black and white riots, quite as 
 hellish as anything in Haiti. 
 
 Home again to Minneapolis ! The trip took over three 
 months, the account has been written in six weeks — between 
 weddings, sick calls, funerals, magazine and newspaper 
 articles, eating, sleeping, etc. — and my reader, if I have 
 one, has probably wasted three hours reading what he will 
 very likely forget in ten minutes. I hope he may, — if he 
 can. As I began this book with a quotation from "Gulli- 
 ver," so with him, "I here take a final leave of all my cour- 
 teous readers and return to enjoy my own speculations in 
 my little garden — ^to behold my figure often in the glass, and 
 thus, if possible, habituate myself by time to tolerate the 
 sight of a human creature." 
 
"In 0U7' little ivorld your name will he posted in the 
 Hall of Infamy." — Dr. J. Justin, Franco Havana, CUBA. 
 
 ''About the Rev, Golightly Morrill there is nothing cut 
 and dried, and nothing mealy-mouthed." — NEW YORK 
 WORLD. 
 
 "Mor7Hirs stifle is strong, incisive, interesting and epi- 
 grammatic"— NEW YORK AMERICAN. 
 
 ''Golightly describes things just as he finds them., no 
 matter where his shafts ynay fall or who they may hit." — 
 CHICAGO BLADE. 
 
 "In beautifully describing the vile and vicious, Golight- 
 ly has no equal."— DULUTH CALENDAR. 
 
 "You have surely raised the Dickens on this island." — 
 Clement Malone, St. Kitts, British WEST INDIES. 
 
 "Your book has shocked the Guianas, and you are lucky 
 not to be here and listen to the criticism." — M. J. Silverman, 
 Demerara, SOUTH AMERICA. 
 
 "You certainly stirred up a bee-hive here — in fact, 
 several of them, and believe me, if you were near enough, 
 I think they would sting you pretty well." — Andrew De 
 Graux, Havana, CUBA. 
 
 Curse of the Caribbean and the Three 
 Guianas (Gehennas) 
 
 By Rev. ''Golightly" Morrill 
 Rare Photos, 269 Volcanic Pages, Only $1.25 Postpaid. 
 
 A close-up picture of crime and carnality in Martinique, 
 British Guiana, Dutch Guiana, French Guiana, St. Vincent, 
 Grenada, Bermuda, Barbados, Trinidad, St. Kitts, Montser- 
 rat, Antigua, Dominica, St. Lucia, etc. 
 
 The edition is almost exhausted. Orders from Europe, 
 South America, the West Indies, and islands of the Pacific, 
 show that people are interested in this book. Are you ? 
 
 Address: G. L. Morrill, Pastor People's Church, 
 
 3356 Tenth Avenue South, 
 
 Minneapolis, Minnesota, U. S. A. 
 
UNSURPASSED ! UNSUPPRESSED ! 
 FOUR BOOKS BY REV. "GOLIGHTLY" MORRILL THAT RAISED 
 HELL IN THE UNITED STATES, CENTRAL AND 
 SOUTH AMERICA, AND PACIFIC ISLES 
 
 Breezy as the Hurricane 
 Blistering as the Equatorial Sun 
 Eruptive as the Volcano 
 Jarring as the Earthquake 
 $1.25 each postpaid or four for $4.00 postpaid. 
 
 "HAWAIIAN HEATHEN AND OTHERS" 
 
 30 "Moving" Picture Photos — 266 Unexpurgated Pages — 
 
 LITERARY TNT 
 
 Lifting the Lid Off Hawaii's Melting Pot 
 
 Breaking the Tabus Set Up by Mock-Modesty and Reserve 
 
 "THE DEVIL IN MEXICO" 
 
 Everybody from Alaska to Panama has read about it; ex-Presi- 
 dent Wilson's personal envoy to Mexico, John Lind, tried to sup- 
 press it; the U. S. government barred it from the mails, caused the 
 arrest and indictment of the author, and prohibited him from leav- 
 ing the country. 
 
 350 Explosive Pages Atrocity Photos. 
 
 "ROTTEN REPUBLICS" 
 
 A Tropical Tramp in 
 CENTRAL AMERICA 
 
 A Witty, Racy, Epigrammatic Book, Right Up-to-Date, 
 
 On British Honduras, Guatemala, Salvador, 
 
 Spanish Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa 
 
 Rica, Panama, Colombia, Cuba, 
 
 Jamaica and Nassau. 
 
 302 Pages 53 Uncensored Photos 
 
 "ON THE WARPATH" 
 
 A savage attack in which human folly, stupidity, superstition, 
 
 hypocrisy and injustice are shot full of arrows, 
 
 tomahawked and scalped. 
 
 Striking Photos — 258 Pages Full of **Pep" and Attic Salt. 
 
 Address G. L. MORRILL, Pastor People's Church, 
 
 3356 10th Ave. So., Minneapolis, Minn., U. 5. A. 
 
^et Munsingwear Union Suit You 
 
 J?. 
 
 When the name Munsingwear is mentioned in connection 
 with underwear, there is immediately established a feeling 
 of confidence and security. The question of quality, of fit, 
 of serviceability, can be safely dismissed, and the attention 
 centered solely on the selection of the proper size, style 
 and fabric. 
 
 THE MUNSINGWEAR CORPORATION 
 
 Minneapolis Minnesota 
 
 Cangum-JIndcrsoii and £o. 
 
 FUNERAL DIRECTORS 
 Otto S. Langum, Manager. 
 
 30 West Lake St. 
 
 Minneapolis 
 
HOTEL RADISSON 
 
 Minneapolis 
 
 MINNEAPOLIS 
 One of the Gteai Hotels of the World 
 
 
Peerless Motor 
 Cars 
 
 Sold and Distributed in the 
 Northwest by 
 
 The A. D. Hays Motor Co. 
 
 MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA 
 
A 3 -year or a 
 1 0-year motor 
 
 Cheap Oils Mean 
 Short -Lived Motors 
 
 Puritan 
 
 ^ The Pure PennsyJvania 
 
 Motor 
 
 Tractor 
 
 Insure long motor life 
 and cut repair bills. 
 
 The Pure Oil Co. 
 
 Northwestern Division 
 Minneapolis - St. Paul 
 
iilllllillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll 
 
 It Pays To 
 Trade At 
 The Store 
 
 "Where Your 
 Dollar Does 
 Its Duty" 
 
 XDHITNEY-jDacGREGOR Go 
 
 ^nnwibj the jUm/neaho€l4^Sh^^jc>ixU^^ 
 
 piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiio^ 
 
 SUNDSETH FURNITURE & UNDERTAKING CO. 
 
 Phones Hyland 2096; Ch 20»5 
 250-52 20th Ave. North Minueapolis 
 
The 
 
 CURTIS HOTEL 
 
 UPPER TENTH STREET 
 MINNEAPOLIS, MINN. 
 
 The Most Modern, Palatial and Home-Like 
 Transient Hostelry in the Northwest 
 
 Average Tariff for Room with Private Bath 
 $2.50 for one Person— $3.50 for two. 
 
 HOWARD, FARWELL & CO. 
 
 The Reliable Piano Dealers 
 THE AMPICO IN THE CHICKERING AND FRANKIilN 
 PIANOS APOLLO VICTROLAS 
 
 FISCHER GULBRANSEN RECORDS 
 
 VOSE AND OTHER GRAFONOLAS 
 
 SHONINGER PLAYER PIANOS 
 
 WAGNER C. L. CARLSON, Manager 
 
 Warerooms t 
 St. Panl, 25-27 E. 6th St. Minneapolis, SIS Nicollet Ave. 
 
NO 
 
 HOT 
 
 WATER 
 
 "Let's move into a 
 modern house." 
 
 A GAS WATER HEATER 
 Solves the Problem 
 
 THE MINNEAPOLIS GAS UGHT CO. 
 
 A. W. SCOTT COMPANY 
 
 Established 1867 
 
 PLUMBING, HEATING AND GAS FITTING, SEWER AND 
 
 W^ATER CONNECTIONS 
 
 212 South Sixth Street 
 
 Minneapolis, Minnesota 
 
 V. « / 
 
-•\ 
 
 Hamm's 
 
 Beverages 
 
 "LEAD THEM ALL" 
 
 Preferred Stock — 
 Digesto 
 
 Root Beer 
 
 Ginger Ale 
 
 Orangeade 
 
 Lime-Fizz 
 
 Sparkling Cider 
 
 Try an Assorted Case 
 
 The Hamm Co. 
 
 St. Paul, Minnesota 
 Minneapolis Branch Office, 1100 Washington Ave. S. 
 
 ^PROGRESSIVE^iELECTRlC COj / 
 
 38 South Sixth Street, Minneapolis 
 
 Opposite Hotel Dyckman 
 
 EL.ECTRIC WASHING MACHINES, SUCTION CLEANERS, 
 
 SEWING MACHINES, RANGES 
 
 GAS AUTOMATIC WATER HEATERS AND RANGES 
 
 ELECTRIC FIXTURES, AUTOMOBILE SUPPLIES 
 
JEWELERS 
 DIAMONDS, WATCHES, WEDDING GIFTS 
 
 Members of Army and Navy Stores 
 506 Nicollet Avenue Minneapolis 
 
 FRED W. HEINRICHS 
 
 Funeral Director and Embalmer 
 
 Parlors for Funerals Free of Charge 
 1629 Washington Ave. N. Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 HEGENBIR'S 
 
 BARBERS' SUPPLIES 
 
 A Full Line of Carvers, Table Cutlery, Pocket Cutlery 
 
 and Toilet Articles, Manicure Scissors and Tools. 
 
 207 Nicollet Avenue Minneapolis 
 
 HOME TRADE SHOE STORE 
 
 221 Nicollet Ave. Minneapolis 
 
 EDMUND C. BATES, President 
 
 HOTEL ELGIN 
 
 The Home of THE THESPIAN 
 
 EIGHTH ST. AND HENNEPIN AVE., MINNEAPOLIS 
 
 STEIN'S RESTAURANT 
 
 HUGO STEIN, Prop. 
 APPETIZING FOODS 
 
 721 Nicollet Ave., Wilmac Bldg., Basement, Minneapolis 
 
HOME SWEET HOME, DUTCH GUIANA, S. A. 
 
 J. WARREN ROBERTS 
 
 PUJfERAL DIRECTOR 
 913 First Ave. So. Residence — The Leamington. Minneapolis 
 
 ^ J 
 
 1 
 
^ 
 
 LOUIS NATHANSON CO. 
 
 RETAIL. CIGARS 
 
 5 EXCLUSIVE CIGAR STORES 
 
 1322 S. E. Fourth St. 326 Hennepin Ave (Office) 
 
 I 
 
 F. BUCHSTEIN & CO. 
 
 TRUSSES AND BRACES 
 1T3 Sonth Sixth Street 3Iinneapolis, Minn 
 
 ■ _^ 
 
 WE CAN WRITE, COMPILE AND PRINT 
 YOUR CATALOG, BOOKLET OR ADVER- 
 TISING MATTER OF ANY DESCRIPTION 
 IN A MANNER THAT WILL BRING 
 RESULTS 
 
 TT/fi^ PIONEERQ 
 
 ^^^ r rinterO 
 
 CATALOG, CALENDAR AND COMMERCIAL 
 PRINTERS WHO KNOW HOW 
 
 420-422 SIXTH STREET SOUTH 
 MINNEAPOLIS, MINN. 
 
UNION DENTISTS 
 
 McKENNEY DENTAL CO. 
 
 243 NICOLLET AVENUE 
 
 21 Years at This Location 
 
 Over 160,000 Patients 
 
 BEST WORK AT THE LOWEST PRICES 
 
 SATISFACTION GUARANTEED 
 
 DENTISTRY IN ALL ITS BRANCHES 
 
 Force, System and Equipment Up-to-Date 
 Minneapolis, Minnesota 
 
 Exclusive Florists 
 
 Cut Flowers 
 Floral Designs 
 Bouquets 
 Decorations 
 Plants, Etc. 
 
 OLYMPIA 
 
 FLORAL 
 
 SHOP 
 
 611 Hennepin Ave. 
 Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
In the Book Field We 
 
 occupy a position 
 
 unique 
 
 Why? — you ask. Because, with the possible excep- 
 tion of four or five exclusive book stores in the 
 East, nowhere will you find such a selection of 
 books as here — in the Powers famous BOOK 
 SECTION. 
 
 Upwards of 35,000 volumes; new books and old 
 favorites; religious, juvenile, travel, fiction, poetry, 
 history, biography, reminiscences, etc. 
 
 THE GREATEST CARE has been given in select- 
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 variety. We appeal to those who wish inexpensive 
 books as well as those who desire the costliest. 
 We have books for every giver; books for pocket- 
 books of every size. 
 
 POWERS 
 
 MINNEAPOLIS 
 
 Washburn Undertaking Co. 
 
 LADY ASSISTANT 
 W. P. WASHBURN J. A. DONALDSON 
 
 P. THORHAUG 
 19 Fifth St. N. E. Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
Established 1884 
 
 H. J. Saunders 
 
 Maker of 
 
 Awnings, Horse and Wagon Covers 
 
 FLAGS, WAGON TOPS AND UMBRELLAS 
 
 TENTS 
 
 CAMP FURNITURE AND WEDDING CANOPIES 
 FOR RENT 
 
 CIRCUS AND SHOW TENTS 
 
 914-16 La Salle Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 
 When Wanting a 
 Piano, Reproducing 
 Piano or Phonograph 
 SEE 
 
 Elmer Brooks 
 
 h^^^^^Hh^ -1 
 
 OF THE 
 
 1 ^^^F^H 
 
 BROOKS PIANO 
 
 ^^H^H '" 
 
 COMPANY 
 
 ml^m\ 
 
 111 South 11th St. 
 Minneapolis 
 
 J 
 
"A THING OF BEAUTY IS A JOY FOREVER" 
 
 JOHN S. BRADSTREET 
 and COMPANY 
 
 INTERIOR FURNISHINGS AND DECORATIONS 
 Established 1876 Minneapolis, Minnesota, U. S. A. 
 
 Studcbaker Auto Livery 
 
 Largest High-class Auto Livery Service 
 in the Twin Cities 
 
 LIMOUSINES and TOURING CARS 
 for all occasions 
 
 WEDDINGS and FUNERALS a SPECIALTY 
 
 Clyde L. George, Manager 
 
 1021-23 Marquette Avenue 
 MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA 
 
IDankow Cafe 
 
 TOM LEE, PROP. 
 24-26 South Sixth Street, Opposite Dyckman Hotel, MINNEAPOLIS 
 
 Is the largest, most attractive and homelike, reasonably priced 
 Chinese American Restaurant in the Northwest. 
 
 NOONDAY LUNCHEON 
 
 I I :30 to 2 35c to 50c 
 
 TABLE D'HOTE DINNER 
 
 5:30 to 8 75c 
 
 Dancing, Music and Entertainment 
 
 Our Chow Mein has a wide reputation and the quality of our dishes 
 
 is Beyond Comparison 
 
 SPECIAL DINNERS AND BANQUETS CATERED FOR 
 
 ROBERT J. 
 
 Seiberlich 
 
 State Agent 
 
 The Fidelity Mutual 
 Life Insurance Co. 
 
 Of Philadelphia 
 
 nOBERTJ. 
 S'EIBERLICH 
 
 704-706 Andrus Bldg. 
 Minneapolis Minn. 
 
 v.. 
 
FOX & LONG 
 
 UNDERTAKERS AND FUNERAL DIRECTORS 
 13 Pittli Street N. E. Minneapolis, Minn 
 
 CHICAGO AVENUE LAUNDRY 
 
 MINNEAPOLIS 
 
 GEORGE B. ESTERMAN, Prop. 
 3901-2903 Chicago Avenue 
 
 MINNESOTA 
 
 Best Food and Service 
 
 EMPRESS CAFE 
 
 608 Hennepin Avenue 
 
 NEW UNIQUE LUNCH ROOM 
 
 612 Hennepin Avenue 
 
 APOLLO CAFE 
 
 628 Hennepin Avenue 
 THEODORE PAPPAS, Mgr. 
 
 N 
 
 Sick or Nervous 
 
 My System of Chiropractic is 
 worth investigating. Send for one 
 of my 
 
 FREE HEALTH BOOKLETS 
 
 SICKNESS 
 
 is caused when a vertebra slips 
 or turns to one side and presses 
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 chronic ailment any longer. Come 
 and have a talk with me. An 
 X-Ray picture of your spine and 
 a few spinal adjustments may be 
 just the thing you need to have 
 your health restored. 
 Consultation and Spinal Analysis 
 Free. 
 
 HEALTH BOOKLETS 
 SENT YOU FREE 
 
 Palmer Graduate 
 Chiropractor 
 
 DR. JOSEPH H. STRAND 
 
 ST. PAUL OFFICE: 330 BREMER ARCADE 
 331-4 LOEB ARCADE, MINNEAPOLIS, MINN. GRANVILLE 7132 
 
Metropolitan National Bank 
 
 Second Ave. South and Sixth Street 
 MINNEAPOLIS, MINN. 
 
 MASONIC TEMPLE PHARMACY 
 
 JACOB .JACOBSOA, Piopvietor 
 52« Hennepin Avenue Minneapolis, Minn 
 
 ^ 
 
 RENTZ BROS. 
 
 MANUFACTURING JEWEUERS 
 39 South Fifth Street 
 
 Minneapolis 
 
COMPLIMENTS 
 
 OF THE 
 
 ANDREWS HOTEL 
 
 MINNEAPOLIS 
 
 » J ■ 
 
 A. M. SMITH 
 
 "FORD" AUTHORIZED DEALER 
 
 Everything for the Ford Car 
 
 FORD SALES & SERVICE 
 
 806-814 South Fourth Street Minneapolis 
 
Mercantile State Bank 
 
 BANK WITH A GROWING BANK 
 
 Ample capital and surplus, together with efficient officers and 
 directors, place this institution in a position to handle accounts 
 of individuals, firms and corporations on a most satisfactory 
 basis. You are cordially invited to take up your business 
 affairs with the officers of this bank and join the constantly 
 increasing number of depositors who are sharing in its per- 
 sonal and efficient service. 
 
 Officers: 
 W. B. TSCHARNER 
 President 
 L. S. SWENSON M. C. TIFFT 
 
 Vice President Vice President 
 
 J. C. YENNY E. J. OLSON 
 
 Cashier Asst. Cashier 
 
 M. T. GUYER A. H. TIMMERMAN 
 
 Asst. Cashier Asst. Cashier 
 
 THE BANK OF PERSONAL SERVICE 
 
 Located in the Traffic Center 
 
 HENNEPIN AVENUE AT SIXTH STREET 
 
 Capital $300,000. Surplus and Profits $110,000 
 
 Drink Purity Brewing Co/s 
 Products 
 
 PURITY PILSNER 
 
 PURITY POP 
 
 PURITY HEALTH TABLE MALT 
 
 IDEAL DRINKS— BEST IN THE WORLD 
 
 Purity Brev^ing Co. 
 
 14th Ave. So. & 2nd St. Minneapolis 
 
THK 3HOP ORKSJNAh 
 
 717 NICOLLET AVE. 
 MINNEAPOLIS MINNESOTA 
 
 LADIES OUTER APPAREL 
 
 OF THE BETTER SORT 
 
 Combining 
 
 STYLE, QUALITY and ECONOMY 
 
 HOTEL DYCKMAN 
 
 MINNEAPOLIS^ FINEST HOTEL 
 
 Sixth St. Near Nicollet 
 
 350 ROOMS ALL WITH PRIVATE BATH 
 
 Elizabethan and Coffee Shop Dining Rooms Where 
 Over 1400 Dine Every Day 
 
 Home of the Wonderful Electric Pipe Organ 
 
 RATES $2.50 TO $5.00 PER DAY 
 
THE EPOCH-MAKING LIGHT SIX OF 1921 
 
 The Car that won the Dyas Gold Cup, led the field of 
 Stock Cars at the Pike's Peak Hill Climb, and the First 
 Car to descend into the Grand Canyon and climb out on 
 its own power. 
 
 R. C. SMITH AUTO CO. 
 1601 Hennepin Avenue Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 goi;likg-hesse 
 
 PHOTOGRAPHERS 
 Studio: 620 Nicollet Ave MINNEAPOLIS 
 
Pillsbury's Best 
 
 Compliments 
 
 '' BROWNING, KING & CO. " 
 
 APPAREL FOR MEN AND BOYS 
 Nicollet at Fifth Minneapolis 
 
 KEASBEY & MATTISON CO. 
 
 ASBESTOS SHEATHING, PAPER, MILLBOARDS, FIREPROOF 
 
 COVERINGS, ROOFING, THEATRE CURTAINS, ETC. 
 
 427-429 AVashin^ton Ave. N., Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 r 
 
 Slavics' flBortuarv 
 
 1403 HARMON PLACE 
 MINNEAPOLIS MINNESOTA 
 
 I Minneapolis, Minnesota 
 
 POWERS 
 
 I BOOK SECTION L. II. AVELLS, Manager 
 
 DR. SHEGETARO MORIKUBO 
 
 RKPRKSENTATIVE CHIROPRACTOR 
 Suite 321-323 — 822 Xicollet Avenne MINNEAPOLIS 
 
 r 
 
 INSURANCE IN ALL ITS BRANCHES 
 
 REAL ESTATE MORTGAGE LOANS 
 
 PROPERTY MANAGEMENT 
 
 "OUR CLIENTS' INTERESTS OUR BUSINESS" 
 
 H. W. WHITE INVESTMENT CO. 
 
 MINNEAPOLIS MINNESOTA 
 
WORDS THAT EXPLAIN WHY 
 
 WOLFSON'S 
 
 IS BECOMING THE LEADING JEWELRY HOLSE OF MINNEAPOLIS 
 
 "DEPENDABLE JEWELRY AT POPULAR PRICES" 
 
 OUR STOCK OP DIAMONDS IS ONE OP THE LARGEST 
 
 TVEST OP NEW YORK 
 
 S. S. WOLFSON, INC. 410 Nicollet Avenue 
 
 GUIANA INDIAN GIRL. 
 
 WEST HOTEL CAFE 
 
 FIRST CLASS EVERY DAY AND WAY 
 Hennepin Avenue Minneapolis 
 
Philadelphia & Reading 
 
 Coal and Iron 
 
 Company 
 
 Reading Anthracite Coal 
 
 108 LUMBER EXCHANGE 
 
 MINNEAPOUS - - MINNESOTA 
 
 THE EARL UNDERTAKING CO. 
 
 Minneapolis Minnesota 
 

 I:. 
 
 .iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiioiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiM 
 
 I American & Chinese | 
 
 I Restaurant | 
 
 1 1 5 So. 7tn Street orpheum theatre 1 
 
 s - - . . - = 
 
 llllillllllllilillllllllillllllllllllllilllllllilllillllllllli^ 
 
 WILLIAM LORENZ 
 
 TRUXK MANUFACTURER 
 Minneapolis, Minnesota 212 Marquette Avenue 
 
 V . ^ 
 
 T. V. MOREAU CO. 
 
 Optical Specialists 
 616 Nicollet Avenue, Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 ^_^ / 
 
5E AM EXPERT 
 
 AUTO 
 TRACTOR 
 VULCANIZING 
 
 COME to Minneapolis, the Auto and Tractor center o! the great 
 Northwest. Over 22.000 sq. ft. of floor space devoted exclusively to 
 helping ambitious young men to succeed in their chosen occupotion 
 BIG DEMAND AT- BIG PAY FOR MINNEAPOLIS AUTO & 
 TRACTOR SCHOOL TRAINED MECHANICS 
 
 This school has been endorsed bv the State Dcoartmeni 
 best ecuip^'frLdrih^T^^^l^^^f Education and by the Leadin, Trade Journal^ of 
 in the Northwest Students re- ^^i«5»^^^ ^"^ country. We are the Official hchool o! ihc 
 ceive instructions on such standard ^^^^5^^^^^^^ Hart-Parr Compan\ and other manufac 
 makesoftractorsastheMinneapolis.Case, ^"^t^^^^^^^^ Hirers. What greater endor'-ement of 
 Avery. Twin City, Gray, Liberty. Emerson- ^^^^^C^^^ n..r sch(Kjl .s possible' 
 
 LEARN "°'^- 
 
 Brantingham, Huber, Hart-Parr, etc 
 LEARN VULCANIZING. Most complete and up- 
 to-date equipment used anywhere lor training purposes. 
 Retreading and all tire repairs Inlorm.T.ion free upon request. 
 
 Minneapolis Auto & Tractor School 
 
 226 Second Street North, Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 SANTRIZOS CO. 
 
 "THE GARDEN OF TASTY DAINTIES" 
 
 Chas. Santrizos Geo. A. Santrizos James Santrizos 
 
 James Kotsonas Peter Santrizos 
 
 SODA FOUNTAIN AND LUNCHES 
 
 We Manufacture our own Candies and Ice Cream 
 
 Cigar and Flower Department Unsurpassed 
 
 Hennepin at Sixth Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 "SANTRIZOS' SUPREME" 1628 HARMON PLACE 
 
 IF YOU WANT 
 
 HIGH GRADE WORK 
 
 AND RIGHT PRICES 
 always send your work to 
 
 EXCLUSIVE CLEANER AND DYER 
 
 SINCE 1895 
 
 1028-30 La Salle Ave. 
 
 Minneapolis, Minnesota 
 
SHIRT MAKERS— IMPORTERS 
 
 MEN'S FINE FURNISHERS AND HATTERS 
 
 London Chicago Detroit Milwaukee 
 
 Saint Paul Minneapolis 
 
 Hotel Radisson Building 
 
 Minneapolis' Finest Tailor 
 
 SUITS $125 AND UP 
 
 WM. L. WOLFSON 
 
 33 SOUTH FOURTH ST. 
 
 THE LEE 
 MORTUARY 
 
 Modern Undertaking 
 
 Proprietor, R. P. LEE 
 
 Nicollet Ave. at W. 15th St. 
 
 Minneapolis Minnesota 
 
The Leamington 
 
 MINNEAPOLIS 
 
 The Largest and Most Attractive Apartment Hotel 
 In the World 
 
 The Travelers Equitable Insurance Co. 
 
 A LEADER IN ITS FIELD. 
 
 Wrote more individual health and accident business in Minne- 
 sota in 1920 than any other company. 
 
 Make our own service distinctive. 
 w/r' f Issue only full coverage policies. 
 
 Give a little more value for the cost involved. 
 Put ^'conscience" into claim settlements. 
 
 HOME OFFICE: PALACE BUILDING, MINNEAPOLIS, MINN. 
 
 V. . ^% 
 
 Burd P. Johnston & Co. 
 
 Funeral Directors and Embalmers 
 
 MRS. JOHNSTON, LADY ASSISTANT 
 
 Parlors — 12 West Lake St., 3020 Hennepin Avenue 
 Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
I 
 
 i 
 
 HILL'S 
 
 DINING and LUNCH ROOM 
 
 LESLIE and ROOD, Proprietors 
 252-254 Marquette Avenue Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 ■"N 
 
 LADIES' TAILOR 
 
 R. G. Nielsen 
 
 Importing Tailor for Women 
 
 24 South Eighth Street Minneapolis 
 
 THE 
 
 New Mandarin 
 
 25-27 South Fifth Street Minneapolis 
 
 "THE TALK OF THE TOWN" 
 Snappy Orchestra DANCING 
 
 HUSSEY The HATTER 
 
 MAKES OLD HATS LOOK XEW I 
 
 IQVz North 7tli Street Minneapolis, 3[inn. | 
 
 \ THE BIJOU ' 1 
 
 I MINNEAPOLIS' LARGEST MOVIE THEATRE I 
 
 I PRODUCING ALL THE BEST FEATURES I 
 
 V-_ , / 
 
AMOR 
 
 FUNERAL DIRECTORS 
 Every facility for correct services -without uncomfortable professional 
 formality, llie privacy of a well appointed residence at the disposal 
 
 of those whose apartments are unsuitable for this ceremony. 
 
 AGNES M. AMOR C. E. HAWKINS 
 
 Second Avenue South at Nintli Street, Minneapolis 
 
 J. I. BESSLER 
 
 LOCKSMITH 
 
 UMBRELLAS REPAIRED AND 
 
 RECOVERED 
 
 214 Sixth St. S. Minneapolis 
 
 HENNEPIN COUNTY SAVINGS BANK 
 
 Marquette Ave. and Fourth St. Resources Over .$10,000,000.00 
 
 INVITES BUSINESS AND PERSONAL CHECKING ACCOUNTS 
 
 4 per cent Interest Paid on Savings, Compounded Quarterly 
 
 OLDEST SAVINGS BANK IN MINNESOTA 
 
 J 
 
 { A. E. PAEGEL 1 
 
 I JEAVELER AND OPTICIAN 
 
 I Opposite Radisson Hotel Minneapolis, Minnesota i 
 
 \ GAMBLE & LUDWIG 1 
 
 DRUGS, PAINTS, OILS, VARNISHES, BRUSHES, ETC. 
 I 901-903 Hennepin Avenue Minneapolis, Minn. I 
 
 r — '■ ■ 
 
 Beckys Food Emporium 
 
 12 STORES UNDER ONE ROOF 
 COMPLETE FOOD SHOP 
 
 Between Nicollet and Hennepin 
 
 16-18 South Eighth Street 
 
 MINNEAPOLIS 
 
American Tent and Awning Company 
 
 C. M. RAWITZER, Pre». 
 
 Tents and Awnings 
 Paulins, Wagon Covers 
 Horse Covers and 
 
 Blankets 
 Auto Covers, Water Bags 
 Canvas Aprons and Bags 
 Sleeping Porch Curtains 
 Canoe and Auto Tents 
 
 TENTS FOR 
 18-20 West Third St. 
 307-309-311 Washington Ave. N. 
 
 Cotton and Roll Duck 
 Lawn Folding Furniture 
 Cow Covers and Blankets 
 Feed Bags, Oiled Clothing 
 Sails, Flags, Umbrellas 
 Waterproof Covers 
 Lambing Tents 
 
 RENT 
 
 St. Paul, Minn. 
 Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 DEAD DRUNK— FORT DE FRANCE, MARTINIQUE. 
 
 COMPLIMENTS OF 
 
 JOSIAH H. CHASE 
 
 1 
 
 McDIVITT & COMPANY 
 
 FUNERAL DIRECTORS AND EMBALMERS 
 
 2707 E. Lake Street Minneapolis. Minn. 
 
 V.« / 
 
 J 
 
t ^ 
 
 It's a Pleasure to BUY Meats, Groceries, Pastries, 
 
 Dairy Products, Fruit and Vegetables, Delicatessen, 
 
 Poultry and Fish from 
 
 Witt's Market House 
 
 "THERE'S A DIFFERENCE" 
 705-7-9 Hennepin Avenue MINNEAPOLIS 
 
 K. J. KNAPP CO. 
 
 OPTOMETRISTS AND OPTICIANS 
 53 South Eighth Street Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 .— \ J 
 
 ' LAKE VIEW CONFECTIONERY "^ 
 
 CANDIES, FRUITS, FLOWERS, ICES, SOFT DRINKS, CIGARS 
 
 Geanakoplos Bros, and Gust .1. Forehas, Props. 
 
 Hennepin Avenue at Lake St. Minneapolis. Minn. 
 
 ^ : . J 
 
 W. F. KURTZ & CO. 
 
 VEGETABLES AND PRODUCE 
 
 621 Seeond Ave. N. Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 V.__ J 
 
 1 
 
 C. GERDES 
 
 GROCERIES AND MEATS 181S-1S20 Lyndale Avenue South 
 
 Minneapolis, 3Iinnesota 
 
 V. J 
 
 MOORE, TERWILLIGER, INC. 
 
 FLORAL DESIGNS FOR ALL OCCASIONS 
 
 Phone: At. 6242 
 
 Nicollet Avenue at Eleventh Minneapolis 
 
 TAYLOR & WATSON 
 
 WALL PAPER, PAINTING AND DECORATING 
 iS Eighth Street South Minneapolis, Minn 
 
 v__ : / 
 
 1 
 
606 Nicollet Ave, 
 
 "High Grade Shoes at Popular Cash Prices" 
 
 OmStendal 
 
 'Style Without Extravagance' 
 
 •>v 
 
 Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 -N 
 
 FAMOUS FOR 
 
 POWER AND ECONOMY 
 
 "The Best Liked Car in America" 
 
 1922 Line Comprises Touring Cars, Roadsters, 
 
 Coupes and Sedans 
 
 4 and 6 Cylinder Models 
 
 The Truck With the International Reputation 
 BUILT RIGHT— PRICED RIGHT 
 
 3/^ to 5 Tons Capacity 
 
 PENCE AUTOMOBILE CO. 
 
 MINNEAPOLIS 
 St. Paul, Fargo, N. D., Billings, Mont., Minot, N.. D. 
 
*sH99:ywoLEsoME 
 
 A Real Drink 
 
 In delicious flavor, purity and 
 wholesomeness it has a supe- 
 riority that tells the story of 
 its popularity. 
 
 A drink for every member 
 of the family with meals and 
 between meals — a treat for 
 your guests. 
 
 Order a Case Sent Home. 
 Cherry 3631 
 
 The Gluek Co. 
 
 Minneapolis 
 
Atlantic 0671 
 0672 
 
 Jokn H. Davidson 
 
 INVESTMENTS 
 
 Specializing 
 
 Building, Owning, Operating, Buying, Selling and Leasing 
 of Hotel and Kitchenet Apartment Properties. 
 
 Suite 723 Plymouth Bid. Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 Going Traveling.? 
 
 or jiKt moving a trunk to a new hotel ? 
 In either case you'll want me to handle it because my men 
 are not of the "baggage-smasher" kind. 
 
 "DO-IT-RIGHT" J. D. EKSTRUM 
 
 Flour City Fuel & Transfer Co. 
 
 40 West Lake Street, Minneapolis 
 
FOR GOOD, CLEAN AMUSEMENT— 
 DON'T SHOW-SHOP— 
 
 THE SIGN OF 
 A GOOD TIME 
 
 9 
 
 PATRONIZE THESE THEATRES 
 
 State New Garrick 
 New Lyric Strand 
 
 Highest Class 
 Feature Photoplays 
 Unexcelled Short Reels 
 Finest Music 
 
 Minneapolis 
 Minn. 
 
 as, 1R, Obcn^cl & Co. 
 
 wmm 
 
 FUR MANUFACTURERS OF KNOWN QUALITY 
 54 So. Seventh MINNEAPOLIS 
 
 $100. £2 Earned by Young Artist in 2 Days 
 
 book 
 
 FEDERAL SCHOOL 
 Federal Schools Building: 
 
 Conscientious, careful training by members of 
 our faculty made this possible. You, too, should 
 succeed, with proper training. 
 Earn $50, $75, $100 
 a Week and More. 
 The business world 
 pays big prices for good 
 designs and illustrations. 
 Learn to draw during 
 your spare time by the 
 "Federal" home study 
 m e t h o d — endorsed by 
 high authorities. EASY 
 to LEARN, EASY to 
 APPLY. 
 
 Send 6c in stanips to- 
 day for "Your I'uture," 
 & beautiful new 56 page 
 vt^ h i c h explains every step. State your 
 OF COMMERCIAL DESIGNING 
 
 Minneapolis, Minnesota 
 
I 
 
 [ 
 
 YOUR OLD FRIEND BACK 
 ON THE JOB 
 
 WW 
 
 Have a 
 
 Case 
 in your 
 Cellar; 
 a half-doz. 
 Bottles 
 in your 
 Refrigerator 
 and be 
 Happy 
 
 Piii 
 
 r<i^s than;^ of i%alcohol iViom 
 
 The R 
 
 cai 
 
 Lagered 
 
 Brew 
 
 It's got 
 the Snap 
 
 It's got 
 
 the Taste 
 
 DRINK 
 
 it 
 COOL 
 
 Phone your Order to Dinsmore 7820 
 Golden Grain Juice Co., Minneapolis 
 
 ARCADIA CANDY STORE 
 
 Minneapolis | 
 J 
 
r 
 
 C. H. ELLIOTT & CO. 
 
 FUNERAL DIRECTORS AND EMBALMERS 
 1839 East Lake St. Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 William Weisman Company 
 
 Manufacturing Furriers 
 
 FINE FASHIONABLE FURS 
 
 *There is an air of refinement 
 and luxury about our Furs, 
 which instantly attracts the ad- 
 miration of those who know 
 Quality. 
 
 "He's a wise man who buys his 
 Furs from Weisman" 
 
 508 NICOLLET AVENUE 
 Minneapolis, Minnesota 
 
 Lincoln Said: 
 
 "We shall sooner have the fowl by 
 hatching the egg than by smashing it." 
 
 This quaint but forceful philosophy of Lincoln's may aptly be ap- 
 plied to banking. The Lincoln National Bank invariably gives the 
 same consideration and attention to the wants of the small depos- 
 itor as to those of the large one, believing firmly that only through 
 the good will and co-operation of its small depositors can it be of 
 maximum service to the community as a banking instit'ution. 
 Total Resources $4,000,000.00 
 Four Per Cent on Saving Deposits 
 Safety Deposit Boxes 
 
 Lincoln National Bank 
 
 Hennepin at Eighth 
 Minneapolis Minnesota 
 
J. E. BOSTROM & COMPANY 
 
 FUNERAL, DIRECTORS 
 3008 37th Ave. So. Minueapolls, Minn. 
 
 I 
 
 "My Method WiU Please You" 
 
 You Don't Need Cash 
 
 with 
 
 Max A. Kohen 
 
 13 SO. 5TH ST. 
 MINNEAPOLIS 
 
 DIAMONDS— WATCHES 
 DELIVERED ON FIRST PAYMENT 
 
 NEVER BE IN DOUBT 
 
 Send all of your Cleaning, Dyeing 
 
 and Laundry Work 
 
 to 
 
 GROSS BROS. 
 
 Cleaners — Dyers — Launderers 
 
 86-90 So. 10th St. 
 
 Minneapolis 
 
711 Hennepin Ave. 
 
 WHERE YOU ARE NEVER DISAPPOINTED 
 
 W. A. Sobelman 0. A. Rowe 
 
 — \ 
 
 It's far easier to do things Right than to do them wrong. 
 What I do— I do Right. 
 CREATOR OF FASHION'S LATEST IDEAS 
 I alter and remodel garments. Keep a complete stock of ready- 
 made furs. I store and protect your furs. I never slight anything 
 I do. My prices are always right, too. 
 
 
 725 Nicollet Avenue MINNEAPOLIS 
 V. / 
 
 """e^JSJcal JACOB ANDRESEN GO'S. 
 
 LIGHTING FIXTURES SUPPLIES AND APPLIANCES 
 
 Cor. 3rd and 3rd South Minneapolis 
 
 N. L. ENGER 
 
 UNDERTAKER 
 432 Cedar Avenue Miuneapolis, Minn. 
 
 NICKELS & SMITH 
 
 REAL ESTATE, RENTALS, LOANS AND INSURANCE 
 311 Nicollet Avenue Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 WARREN & COMPANY STocerI'''^ ^ 
 
 Our Specialty "BIG-4 COFFEE" Is The Best 
 
 Minneapolis 116-20 North Seventh Street Minnesota 
 
 I 
 
 
LANDIS1& OAKLEY 
 
 FUNERAL DIRECTORS 
 
 SUCCESSORS TO. W. H. LANOTS CO. 
 
 1336 Nicollet Avenue Minneapolis 
 
 A PARAMARIBO BELLE— DUTCH GUIANA. 
 
 Prophylactic Treatment 
 NERVOUS-BLOOD-SKIN AND CHRONIC DISEASES 
 
 DR. NELSON CO. 
 
 Phone Atlantic 3797 
 
 49 Washington Ave. So 
 
 Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
GOOD THINGS TO EAT FEDERAL BREAD 
 
 TAKE HOME A LOAF TODAY 
 7— HANDY STORES— 7 516 Hennepin Ave. 
 231 Hennepin Ave. 2921 Hennepin Ave. 
 719 Hennepin Ave. 1511 NicoUet Ave. 
 613 Marquette 1028 Hennepin Ave. 
 Orders Our Specialty PARTY— LODGE— RECEPTION 
 FEDERAL SYSTEM OF BAKERIES 
 
 Minneapolis 
 
 THE NEW GAYETY HQ-l-Ei 
 
 Over Gayety Theatre 
 Cor. 1st Ave. North and Washington Minneapolis 
 
 Everything New — Modern 
 Phone Atlantic 7896 BILLIE ROTHBERG, Prop. 
 
 V,- 
 
 MILD H. SNELL UNDERTAKING CO. 
 
 FUNERAL. DIRECTORS. 
 «02-904 20th Ave. North Minneapolis 
 
 »^ - . J 
 
 Cloverleaf Creamery Co. 
 
 HEADQUARTERS FOR REAL CREAM, RICH MILK, FINEST BUTTER, 
 
 FRESHEST EGGS AND CHOICEST DAIRY PRODUCTS. 
 
 420 20TH AYE. NORTH 
 
 MINNEAPOLIS MINNESOTA 
 
 CONSULT THE CANCER SPECIALIST AT THE 
 LAWRENCE SANATORIUM 
 
 It is one of the largest and finest private Sanatoriums in the North- 
 west. Staff and equipment complete for the best Medical and Surgi- 
 cal Service. W. D. LAWRENCE, M. D., Proprietor. 
 Address, 820 E. 17th St. Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 FINE FURS - 
 
 COATS, WRAPS 
 AND GARMENTS 
 STORE YOUR FURS WITH US 
 We do Repairing and Remodeling in our own factory 
 
 WM. V. ECKERT 47 Eighth St. S. Minneapolis 
 
'^ 
 
 E. M. DAUPHINE COMPANY 
 
 FUNERAL DIRECTORS AND EMBALMERS 
 
 MRS. E. M. DAUPHINE, Mgr. 
 613 Eighth Avenue South MinneapoUs, Minnesota 
 
 "YOU Want the BEST and We Make It" 
 
 WILLIAM A. LOCHREN FILM & SLIDE COMPANY 
 
 Manufacturers and Distributors 
 
 MOTION PICTURES AND 
 
 LANTERN SLIDES 
 
 16 N. Fourth Street Minneapolis, Minnesota 
 
 v.. 
 
 I 
 
 r — " > 
 
 Ed J. Hyser R. a. Hyser 
 
 HYSER BROS., GROCERS 
 
 WHOLESALE TO CONSUMER 
 
 113-115-117 North Seventh Street Minneapolis, Minn. 
 
 \ - J 
 
 DR. TOLLEEN, Chiropractor 
 
 Suite 517— Phone At. 4298 
 608 NICOLLET AVENUE MINNEAPOLIS 
 
 fold it up'- lakt it with you-- 
 
 typewrite anywhere 
 
 You can use it any- 
 where. Weighs but a lit- 
 tle over 6 lbs. Price, $50.00 
 with case. You can rent 
 Corona or buy one on easy 
 payments. 
 
 CORONA TYPEWRITER 
 
 That's the beauty of the SALES CO. 
 
 Corona 
 
 106 South 4th St. 
 Minneapolis 
 
 PERSONAL WRITING MACHINE" Main 2514 
 
Main 1432 Geneva 4952 
 
 OPEN ALL NIGHT 
 
 Ruben Tire Co. 
 
 1313 Hawthorne Ave. 
 Service Station For 
 
 Miller and Goodrich Tires 
 
 Whiz Bang!! 
 
 extends greetings to the readers of "Sea Sodoms" — a 
 *'sin"ical survey of Venezuela and the Caribbean — Rev. 
 GoHghtly Morrill's latest book. Reverend Morrill is a 
 regular contributor to the WHIZ BANG, and we invite 
 you to further enjoy his future versatile writings by join- 
 ing the WHIZ BANG family of one million readers 
 monthly. 
 
 W. H. Fawcett 
 
 Raute 2, Robbinsdale, Minnesota 
 Editor and Publisher of 
 Capt. Billy's Whiz Bang 
 
6 Volt 
 1 1 Plate 
 
 $29.00 
 
 MINNESOTA DISTRIBUTORS 
 
 Ray Storage Batteries 
 
 Guaranteed Unconditionally 2 Years 
 
 REPAIRING BATTERIES A SPECIALTY 
 RENTALS ALWAYS ON HAND 
 
 GERDE AUTO CO. 
 
 912-14 East Lake St., Minneapolis 
 
 South 7257 
 
 J 
 
 ■^ 
 
 \£a 
 
 THE ROYCROFT is a magazine of 
 constructive criticism which will in- 
 crease your will power, your capacity 
 for friendship, your thinkery, your 
 ideals. 
 
 It seeks to be simple, direct, truth- 
 ful. 
 
 It speaks its mind without fear or 
 favor. 
 
 It believes **that only is sacred 
 which serves." 
 
 Elhert Hubbard 11. 
 
 $1.50 the year — 15c the copy. East Aurora, N. Y. 
 
Harry Mitchell 
 
 "Clothes Make the Man" 
 
 Harry Mitchell makes clothes 
 
 Be a Man--- 
 
 Let ''Harry" do it 
 
 Minneapolis 
 18 So. 4th St 
 
 St. Paul 
 357 Robert St. 
 
PREFERRED STOCK 
 
 of the 
 
 NORTHERN STATES 
 POWER CO. 
 
 has paid dividends regularly since organiza- 
 tion of the Company in 1909, at the rate of 
 7 per cent per annum. 
 
 Stock is obtainable for cash or on small 
 monthly payments. It is an investment in a 
 sound, well-established company, supplying 
 the electric, gas and other utility requirements 
 of cities in Minnesota and adjacent states. 
 
 The Minneapolis General 
 Electric Co. 
 
 Division of Northern States Power Co. 
 15 South Fifth Street 
 
 1 
 
ct. 
 
 THOS. A. EDISON'S 
 
 Sublime Gift 
 to Man 
 
 Thomas A. EMison has, 
 as through a miracle, re- 
 created music for you. 
 To you the master inven- 
 tor has revealed the un- 
 told wealth of the inner 
 world of music. He has 
 given to us the precious 
 power to speak the sub- 
 lime language of the soul. 
 
 HEAR THE NEW EDISON 
 
 Minnesota Phonograph Co. 
 
 612 Nicollet Avenue 
 MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA 
 
245 91 
 

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 , HECKMAN 
 BINDERY INC. |§| 
 
 ^ MAY 91 
 
 ^W" N. MANCHESTER, 
 "^^^ INDIANA 46962 
 
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