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TM TRAIN ROBBER 
 
 A FARCE 
 
 -BY- 
 
 HERBERT C. NASH 
 
The Train Robber 
 
 A FARCE 
 
 IN ONE A. CT 
 
 / 
 
 3 
 
 ^ 
 
 HERBERT C. NASH 
 
 As Performed by a Company of Amateurs at Deer Park Inn, 
 California, August 6, 1895 
 
 ^^X^ 
 
 SAN FRANCISCO 
 
 C. A. MuRDOCK & Co., Printers 
 
f'^V 
 
 ^^v^ 
 
 Copyright, 1895 
 
 Herbert C. Nash 
 
CHARACTERS. 
 
 Johnson Brownjones a plumber "on a racket" 
 
 Frank Somers a broker on a holiday 
 
 Hawkeye a detective on a trail 
 
 Bill Buster .... a cowboy employed at Deer Park Inn 
 Mrs. Johnson Brownjones ..... a lady of character 
 
 Alice her niece 
 
 Mrs. Newport . . a lady of fashion 
 
 Gretchen maid at Deer Park Inn 
 
 Scene — The Parlor at Deer Park Inn, Summer Season, i8gj. 
 
 COSTUMES. 
 
 Brownjones. — Loud check suit, English fore-and-aft cap, 
 gaiters. 
 
 Somers. — Light summer dress, straw hat. 
 
 Hawkeye. — Dark broadcloth suit. Prince Albert coat, der- 
 by hat. 
 
 Buster. — Red flannel shirt, dark trousers, top-boots, soft 
 broad-brimmed felt hat, loose handkerchief around 
 neck, cartridge belt. 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. — Cloth dress. 
 
 Alice. — Neat summer dress for traveling. 
 
 Mrs. Newport. — Very fashionable traveling costume. 
 
 Gretchen. — Housemaid's dress, with cap and apron. 
 
 Time of representation — fifty minntes. 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 Scene. — Parlor of Deer Park Inn. Doors to right 
 and left. Window at center. Ordi?ia.ry parlor 
 furniture. At back, a screen. In front of screeji, 
 a sofa. O71 the right, a small parlor table. 
 
 Gretchen and Billy Buster discovered. 
 
 Gretchen busy dusting firnitzire. Buster sitting 
 
 on table, dangling one leg. 
 
 Buster. Yes, I love you, Gret, — you bet I do! 
 Why, I never felt so bad in my life before. When I 
 made up to Cherokee Sal down in the Bad Lands, I 
 was chipper as a jay all the time ; and the night I 
 danced with Bet Maloney at Tombstone, and shot 
 her man, Kid Harrington, I dealt faro for six hours 
 afterwards, and never turned a hair. But now, I 
 don't know where I am at, or what I'm doin'. 
 There's nothin' in my head but you, and you're 
 always there! I don't sleep no more, — I don't eat, — 
 I don't chew, — I don't swear! Why, h — 11! I don't 
 do nothin'! I ain't had a scrap for a week! (Puts 
 his arm around Gretchen' s waist.) 
 
 Gretchen. ( Disengagiyig herself fro^n his em- 
 brace.) Ach! What have you, Mr. Billy! You 
 must not say such things, and do such things. The 
 peoples might see you. My mistress might come in, 
 and she is what you call — one — holy — terror! And 
 they say you are one very bad man — boese 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 Buster. Boozy! Who says I'm boozy? I should 
 like to hear any one but you say that, Gret! But 
 bad! You're right, there. Do you know why there 
 ain't no rattlers at Deer Park? 
 
 Gretchen. No — nein. 
 
 Buster. 'Cause I killed thein all — that's \\\iy. 
 Do you know why there ain't no pizen oak at Deer 
 Park? 
 
 Gretchen. Nein — I do not know. 
 
 Buster. 'Cause I chewed it all up— that 's why. 
 That's the kind of a man I am! I'm a dandy, but 
 no dude! — But with you, Gret, I'm all different. 
 
 1 've got no more fight in me than a suckin' calf 
 I 'm darned if a Greaser could n't lick me! O, Gret! 
 Don't you love me a little bit? 
 
 Gretchen. You are a good man to me, Mr. 
 Billy, — very gut — kind; but at Oberhausen — in 
 Baden — there is Fritz, who waits till I get a little 
 geld^ then I send for him, and he comes to America 
 and marries me. 
 
 Buster. (Flourishing bowie-knife.) When he 
 comes, I'll cut his liver out! Send for him- — send 
 for your Dutch sourkrout-chewin' Fritz, and I'll 
 chop him into sausage-meat 
 
 Gretchen. Ach! Himmel! Mr. Billy! What 
 have you? Keep still! What did I say? I say 
 Fritz waits till I get a little money. Perhaps he wait 
 a little time, — perhaps he wait a very long time. 
 Who knows? Did I say I want Fritz now, — right 
 away? Perhaps I never want- Fritz. ( Coqueitishly.) 
 I like the American cow-man, — so stark, so brafe — 
 
 Buster. (Effusively.) O, you httle Dutch angel ! 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 7 
 
 Gretchen. But now I am very sad, Mr. Billy. 
 My little brother Herrmann — he is sick in 'Frisco — 
 very sick; and I have no money for the doctor — and 
 the medicine. (Sobs.) O, my poor little — brother 
 — and no money ! 
 
 Buster. No money! Thunder and lightnin' ! 
 Here ! ( Draivs money from his pocket and gives it tc 
 Gretchen. j Here is what I won playin' poker last 
 night. Send it to the kid. 
 
 Gretchen. O, thank you, Mr. Billy ! ( Counts 
 ino7iey.) Now I am happy. You are very gut. I 
 think some day I love you ! (Looks out at window.) 
 But a team has arrived — with a gentleman. Go! — 
 see who it is who comes. 
 . Buster. All right. Ta-ta, Gret ! And remember, 
 
 if Fritz comes (Makes signs of carving with 
 
 bowie-knife.) Remember! (Exit.) 
 
 Gretchen. (Alone.) Now, I must go on with 
 my work. But I have made somedings this morning 
 (laughs and rattles mo7iey iyi her hand) for lieber 
 Fritz ! ( Goes towards door, and runs against Brown- 
 jONES.y 
 
 Enter Brownjones, door R. 
 As he enters., Gretchen backs before him to center. 
 
 Brownjones. (Smiling at Gretchen.J Ah 
 there, my dear! Are you one of the maids? Can I' 
 have a room in this delightful place? (Aside.) 
 Damned nice maid ! 
 
 Gretchen. Yes, sir; I am the maid. I will go 
 see if you can have one room. 
 
 Brownjones. That's right, honey; but come 
 
5 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 back soon. You 're too pretty to be running about 
 alone. (Attempts to take her hand, but Gretchen 
 eludes him and runs out.) And here I am (sings), 
 "Out on a racket, racket up to there!" Once more 
 a bachelor — for the time being; and I am going to 
 re-taste all the old sweets — the girls, bless their dear 
 hearts; the small "bots"; the cards and bones with 
 the boys; to go to bed when I like, and get up when 
 I want to. O, happy days now before me ! Two 
 weeks of fun and freedom ! My wife (pauses, and 
 resiimes in a graver tone,) thinks that I am in South- 
 ern California, on a mission for an Irrigation Commit- 
 tee. Grand idea that of mine ! It occurred to me 
 three days ago, while attending the convention of 
 master plumbers at Sacramento. So I wrote to Mrs. 
 Brownjones, telling her that I had been appointed a 
 committee of one to investigate the desert lands of 
 San Bernardino County, with a view to putting in 
 plumbing when the desert should be irrigated; and I 
 made an arrangement with my friend Gayboy, of 
 Yuma, who was at the convention, by which he is to 
 send Mrs. Brownjones a telegram from Yuma every 
 three days, in my name, — kind of non-committal 
 telegrams. For instance, one day he will wire, 
 "Health good; work progressing; love to all." 
 Another day, "Hard at work; weather hot; very 
 lonely without you." Another day, "Why don't 
 you write; feel very blue and sad, but doing 
 good work; love to the children." And so on. 
 We wrote out a number, and all that he has 
 to do is to send them and pay for them. Mean- 
 while, instead of being at Yuma, I am up here in the 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 9 
 
 high Sierras, a boy again, — rather an old one, I 
 admit, but young at heart, and skittish as a kid. And 
 why here, at Deer Park? Ah ! Speak, my heart, 
 speak ! Because of a pair of blue eyes and a coil ol 
 chestnut hair that I saw at Sacramento ! The hair 
 and eyes were at the station, and had a trunk checked 
 to Truckee; so I went to Truckee, and there I lost 
 sight of them, but heard that they had gone on to 
 Deer Park. And so, here I am! And if I can't 
 find the blue eyes and chestnut hair, — why, gray 
 eyes and brown hair, or black hair and brown eyes, 
 or red hair and blue eyes, will do — all or any will go; 
 anything for a change. Variety is the spice of life. 
 Now, I'm going to enjoy myself. (Sings.) "Out 
 for a racket, racket up to there !" 
 
 Enter Frank Somers, door R. 
 
 SoMERS. f.5><?m^ Brownjones. j Hello, Brown- 
 jones I What are 
 
 Brownjones. (Interrupting.) Hush! — Stop! — 
 There is no Brownjones here ! Brownjones is at 
 Yuma — plumbing the desert ! This is Mr. Sullivan, 
 tourist, from 68 Beacon street, Boston, doing Califor- 
 nia, and getting done brown by the natives. (Looks 
 around suspiciously, takes Somers' arm, a7id comes 
 down to front.) Frank, I saved your life once, 
 didn't I ? 
 
 Somers. Yes; but 
 
 Brownjones. But nothing! I saved your life. 
 Now, won't you do something for me in return for 
 my risking my life to save you from drowning ? 
 
 Somers. Oh, look here!— risking your life is 
 
10 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 rather too strong". Why, you merely stood on the 
 wharf and held out a fishing-pole to me, and when I 
 caught hold you pulled me in. You did not even 
 get wet. 
 
 Brownjones. What of that? I '11 get wet, Frank,' 
 if you wish it — I '11 get wet! I'll go and roll in the 
 creek here! But you will admit that but for me and 
 my fishing-pole you would now be in another world. 
 
 SoMERS. Oh, yes — I suppose so. Well, what 
 do you want me to do? 
 
 Brownjones. I want you to do nothing — to say 
 nothing — to know nothing about me. I am here 
 incog., Frank, — on a little racket of my own. My 
 wife doesn't know I'm out— or, at least, she sup- 
 poses that I am at Yuma. Remember, — Yuma! 
 Brownjones, whom you know, is at Yuma. Sullivan, 
 whom you do not know, is here. 
 
 SoMERS. Do you mean to say, Mr. Brownjones, 
 that you are here under an alias, passing yourself off 
 as a'n unmarried man, deceiving your excellent wife 
 and loving children, playing the parts of a Dr. Jekyll 
 and Mr. Hyde? No, sir! I do not lend myself to 
 such baseness ! You are an old reprobate, and I 
 am 
 
 Brownjones. (Interrupting.) You are an ass, 
 Frank, — that's what you are! Why, what harm am 
 I doing? Taking an innocent bit of a holiday away 
 from my family — which is a fine family, I admit, but 
 trying in the long run. Quail, you. know, is an excel- 
 lent bird; but when you have to eat it three times a 
 day, and every day, week, month, and year, it palls 
 on the palate, and you need a change. You don't 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. II 
 
 understand this at present, but you will in time — 
 when you are married, Frank. By the way, how 
 about that niece of mine,— Alice, my ward, — eh? 
 
 SoMERS. (Savagely.) Yes, how about her? Just 
 before I came up here she wrote me a farewell letter, 
 and said that you had told her I was no good, and 
 that if she ever saw me again you would send her to 
 the Sacred Heart Convent in Paris, and keep her 
 there until she was twenty-five. That's how about 
 Alice ! And now you come asking me to do you 
 favors ! But I shall expose you ! 
 
 Brow^njones. Frank, my dear boy, hush ! Re- 
 member, I saved your life 
 
 SoMERS. (Excitedly.) It seems that you told her 
 that I was good for nothing, — a hypocrite, — a bar- 
 room statue, — a tippler,— a spendthrift, 
 
 Brownjones. Frank, be calm; she exaggerated. 
 I never said all that; and what I did say was only in 
 a matrimonial sense. In every other character but as 
 a suitor for Alice, I like you very much, Frank. But 
 for her I have loftier views. Oh, yes, I like you, 
 Frank; and if anything happened to you, I should 
 grieve sorely. 
 
 SoMERS. So should I. But I'll tell you what I 
 am willing to do. If you will make . it right with 
 Alice, I shall say nothing about this latest racket ot 
 yours. 
 
 Brownjones. Well, — we '11 see, my boy; — we'll 
 see. Anyhow, remember, if you spoil my little fun, 
 I-'U spoil yours. If you let me alone, I '11 think about 
 the Alice business. But how is it that you happen to 
 be here? . . 
 
12 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 SoMERS. Oh, I am taking my two weeks' vaca- 
 tion. 
 
 Brownjones. (Looking at his watch). Ah, I 
 must be looking around. I have an engagement, 
 Frank, — with a lady. So, ta-ta, for the present. 
 And remember, I saved your life, — and ingratitude is 
 a crime ! I saved your life, (goes towards the door, 
 then turns back,) saved your life! (goes out, then puts 
 his head in at door, ) your life ! 
 
 (As Brownjones goes toivard door on left, Gret- 
 CHEN and Hawkeye appear at door on R. Hawk- 
 eye, at sight of Brownjones, draws photo from his 
 pocket and looks at it, then at Brownjones, who turns 
 and looks curiously at Hawkeye/ then exit Brown- 
 jones. j 
 
 Enter Gretchen and Hawkeye. 
 
 Gretchen. f 71? Hawkeye. j Th\s, mein Herr, 
 is the parlor. Will you put down your grip and wait 
 a little? The other people who came with you in the 
 stage are looking at rooms. 
 
 Hawkeye. (To Somers.j Do you know that 
 man who has just left the room? 
 
 SoMERS. (Confused.) Yes. That is Brown — I 
 mean SuUivan. Yes, Sullivan, — John L. Sullivan — 
 No, Pop Sullivan, — I mean Yankee Sullivan — I mean 
 — I mean — well, Sullivan, anyhow! 
 
 Hawkeye. (Draws note-book from his pocket and 
 makes notes.) And your name might be? 
 
 Somers. Sullivan — no, no — Somers, I mean — 
 Frank Somers. 
 
 Hawkeye. Of San Francisco ? 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. I 3 
 
 SOMERS. Yes, of 'Frisco. But, excuse me, what 
 business is that of yours ? 
 
 Hawkeye. Oh ! no business ; curiosity, simply. 
 And this Mr. SulHvan — of course, you have not 
 known him a long' time — not very intimate with him, 
 are you? 
 
 SoMERS. Intimate! Well, I should — that is — 
 why he — No — I never saw Sullivan until this morning. 
 Hawkeye. Exactly. And what may his first 
 name be? 
 
 SoMERS. Why, John L. — No, that is — (aside) 
 hang it, he did not tell me that ; devilish awkward ! 
 (Aloud.) But I tell you I don't know Sullivan ; never 
 saw him before ; only know his name. 
 
 Hawkeye. Of course, you never knew him under 
 
 any other name — any alias 
 
 Somers. ■ (With exaggerated emphasis.) Oh, 
 never, never. Oh, no. Only one name. Never any 
 
 other. One name — one 
 
 Hawkeye. Thank you, Mr. Somers; that is all 
 — for the present. ( B.nvs.) 
 
 Somers. (Aside.) D — n that man. Who is he 
 anyhow? I don't like him. He is too damned in- 
 solent. Shall I kick him? No, I'll go out and think 
 about Alice. (Exit.) 
 
 Hawkeye. (To Gretchen, who has been dust- 
 ing room.) Come here, my dear. You are a very 
 nice girl — a Dutch girl, I think. Yes? Ah! that 
 accounts for it. You Dutch people are very good 
 people and have a healthy regard for the law and its 
 officers. You know what a detective — a police 
 officer is, don't you? 
 
14 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 Gretchen. Polizei ! Ach ! yes, I know. 
 
 Hawkeye. (Showing his badge.) Well, you 
 see, I am one, a polly's eye officer, as you call them. 
 And now, I want you to keep quiet, like a good 
 little Dutch girl, and just tell me about that gentleman 
 who went out of here when I came in. When did he 
 arrive? 
 
 Gretchen. That nice old gentleman ? Ach ! he 
 has done nothing. He is too dumni. He came in a 
 little vile ago, this morning. Himviel, a polizei 
 officer ! (Aside.) 
 
 Hawkeye. From Truckee? 
 
 Gretchen. I know not. But he is a good old 
 Herr, and I will not talk to a polizei officer. Let me 
 do my work. (Enter SoMERS.j 
 
 Somers. (To Hawkeye. j Hello! you still here? 
 Mr. , by the way, you did not tell me your name. 
 
 Hawkeye. f7(? Somers. j Mr. Somers, my name 
 is Hawkeye. I am a detective in the service of Mr. 
 Pinkerton, as you will see by my badge. My special 
 business at present is the capture of the Cow Creek 
 Canyon train robbers. I have excellent reasons for 
 believing that I have cornered one of them here, this 
 morning, in the person of your friend, Mr. Sullivan. 
 (Somers makes a motion of dissent.) Oh, yes; and I 
 may as well tell you at once that your own actions have 
 been so suspicious that I intend keeping you in sight. 
 I warn you of this in a friendly manner, in order that 
 you may not try to give me the slip. I have two men 
 with me who are quite able to account for you and 
 Mr. Sullivan also. 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 1 5 
 
 SoMERS. Detective ! — train robbery ! — Brown- 
 jones a train robber ! — myself implicated ! Oh! this 
 must be a nightmare ! 
 
 Gretchen. (Aside.) What things I hear. That 
 old Herr a rauber ! I will find him and tell him the 
 polizei is looking for him. Perhaps he give me some- 
 thing — for Fritz. (Exit.) 
 
 Hawkeye. f7<?SoMERS. j Did you say Brovvn- 
 jones? alias Sullivan, of course. Well, to make sure 
 of him, I telegraphed to Mrs. Newport to come and 
 identify him. She was on the train that was robbed 
 and saw the robber. 
 
 SoMERS. (Aside.) All this is impossible. Yet 
 Brownjones is a self-confessed old reprobate. What 
 if this were true and his yarn to me all poppycock. 
 He certainly is traveling under an assumed name and 
 in a sort of disguise, and he was damnably confused 
 when he met me. For myself, I don't care. I can 
 
 prove an alibi And if the old fellow is a train 
 
 robber, I can marry Alice — sure ! 
 
 (^Brownjones' voice heard outside singing ^'Out 
 on racket, racket up to there. ' ' ) 
 
 Hawkeye. (To Somers. j Your friend, Mr. Sul- 
 livan, seems gay. I heard in Oregon that he was a 
 singer. Well, I don't care to see him just yet. 
 Now, Mr. Somers, you can take a walk, — but don't 
 trouble yourself to try and get away; it will be no use. 
 {Exit, door E.) 
 
 SoMERS. We'll see which ot us two will be fooled 
 in the end. (Exit, door E.) 
 
l6 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 (Enter Brownjones and Gretchen by other door. ) 
 
 Brownjones. Honey — do you know you have 
 an awfully pretty eye, — and your hand is so small 
 and soft. (Takes her hand.) May I kiss it? (Kisses 
 her hand.) O, what fun! Just as it used to be. 
 Truly the heart never grows old. 
 
 Gretchen. (Drawing away her hand.) Nein — 
 you must not — you should be shamed, an old man 
 like you (^Brownjones winces)., and so ugly ! 
 (^Brownjones makes a grimace), and then you should 
 think of other things; some one is here looking for 
 you (^Brownjones takes her hand again.) Yes (in 
 a low voice), 2i polizei officer! 
 
 (Enter Buster, door L.) 
 
 Buster. (At door.) Here, you old side-whiskered 
 dude. Drop my best girl's hand, will you — unless 
 you want your hide blown full of holes. (^Brown- 
 jones drops hand hastily. ) 
 
 Gretchen. Ach! you stop, Mr. Billy, this gentle- 
 man was doing no harm. What you want in the 
 parlor, anyhow ? 
 
 Buster. There's some one out there enquirin' 
 for the old dude I 
 
 Brownjones. For me? Who? 
 
 Gretchen. Kpolizei officer. 
 
 Buster. No. A gal. 
 
 Brownjones. Ah, yes, — to be sure! A girl with 
 blue eyes and chestnut hair. Where is she? — where 
 is she? 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 1 7 
 
 Buster. Nary blue eyes! — yeller, I should call 
 them. And her hair isn't chestnut, neither; — re- 
 minded me of an old gray mule I once had down in 
 Sonora. 
 
 Brownjones. Heavens! Who can it be? 
 
 Gretchen. I tell you it is a polizei officer ! I 
 talk mit him. He says you are a rauber, and he takes 
 you to prison ! 
 
 Brownjones. I — a robber! Oh! some mistake, 
 Gretchen. I am a manufacturing plumber — and rich. 
 
 Gretchen. If you are rich, then sure you are a 
 robber! That is what they tell me in this country. 
 
 Buster. Right you are, Gret \ ( To Brown- 
 jones. J Well, sport, what shall I say to the old gal 
 out there? 
 
 Brownjones. If she has yellow eyes and gray 
 hair, tell her I am out, — tell her I am dead 
 
 Gretchen. But I tell you it is 2. polizei officer ! 
 
 Buster. Police officer! Do you think I'd let 
 one of them be on this place alive ! Why, I 'd smash 
 him into jelly ! It's a gal, and I'll tell her you're 
 dead. Only, I warn you, you let Gret alone, or 
 you '11 wake up some mornin' without any skin on 
 your carcass ! (Exit Buster, door L. ) 
 
 Gretchen. That Mr. Billy! He always make 
 funny business. I tell you, rnein ITerr, there's a 
 polizei officer look for you ! He say you robbed a 
 train, and he will take you to prison. I speak init 
 him ! 
 
 Brownjones. Jehoshaphat! This is pleasant 
 news to hear at the beginning of my holiday. Of 
 course I am innocent — but suppose I was taken to the 
 
l8 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 city in custody! What would the boys say? And 
 Maria ! Oh, Heavens ! She would know all ! She 
 would know that I deceived her — that the telegrams 
 were false — that I lied about plumbing the desert. 
 Oh, Jerusalem, Jerusalem! I would go to state's 
 prison rather than face Maria! But it cannot be — 
 this is some stupid mistake of this ignorant German 
 girl. 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. ( Without, in a strofig, mas- 
 culine voice.) Dead, is he? Then take me to his 
 corpse ! 
 
 Brownjones. Maria ! Oh, Gretchen, hide me — 
 hide me ! A thousand dollars if you hide me ! 
 
 Gretchen. Nei7i! Some one comes — I cannot! 
 (Runs out door R. ) 
 
 Brownjones. Too late ! Too late ! ( Covers his 
 face zvith his hands.) 
 
 Enter Mrs. Brownjones and Hawkeye. 
 
 Mrs. B. catches sight of Brownjones, screams, and 
 
 falls into a chair; then gets up and rushes at 
 
 him. Brownjones r'uns behind table. 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. I have got you, you wretch! 
 — you brute! — you faithless good-for-nothing! You 
 thought to deceive me, did you? Come out, if you 
 are a man, and stand up like one. And I find him 
 here with a girl! (To Hawkeye. j I knew I should. 
 The moment I read in his letter, "I am appointed a 
 committee of one," I knew that meant two. I tele- 
 graphed to my friend Susan Wilkins, in Sacramento, 
 to find out where he had gone. Her nephew is ticket 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. I9 
 
 agent at the Sacramento depot, and through him she 
 learned that a man answering Brownjones' description 
 had bought a ticket to Truckee, and was seen follow- 
 ing a woman with blue eyes and chestnut hair. So I 
 started for Truckee at once with my niece Alice. We 
 arrived there last night, and learned that this wretch 
 (pointing to Brownjones j had gone to Deer Park, 
 and this morning we started after him. And now, 
 Mr. Brownjones, come home, come home to roost — 
 and to roast! Come, I say! Come out of there ! « 
 ( To Brownjones, who retreats farther behind table.) 
 
 Brownjones. (Despairingly.) Woman, away! 
 I don't know you ! Let me alone ! 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. He calls me woman — me — 
 the wife of his bosom — the mother of his children! 
 He pretends not to know me ! This outrage is greater 
 than the other. Mr. Brownjones, are you crazy? If 
 so, come to Stockton ! 
 
 Brownjones. In the first place, my name is Sul- 
 livan, not Brownjones; in the second place, I don't 
 know who you are; in the third place, I don't want 
 to go with you or with any female to whom I haven't 
 been introduced. Madam, cease this, and go away ! 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. Do you dare to tell me to 
 my face that you are not Johnson Brownjones, my 
 husband for the past twenty-seven years, and the 
 father of Nicodemus, Erasmus, and Otillia Brown- 
 jones? 
 
 Brownjones. I do dare — I dare very much! 
 ( Enter Sou.^.^s.) I am Sullivan, of Beacon street, 
 Boston, as you can find out by inquiring. Never 
 knew Brownjones. Took his name once merely tO' 
 
20 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 avoid — a — complications. Moreover, am suspected 
 of robbing a train in Oregon. 
 
 SoMERS. (Aside.) Gee whiz! What subUme 
 assurance ! 
 
 Hawkeye. (To Mrs. B.) Madam, that last 
 statement of his, at least, is true. He is, in fact, 
 more than suspected of being a train robber — he is 
 the robber himself I have the complete chain of evi- 
 dence. He has been known by a dozen different 
 aliases — Sullivan, Brownjones, Myers, The Duke, and 
 others. His real name is Watson. He is wanted in 
 many cities, and is a desperate criminal. I would 
 not insist on having him, if I were you; he is not much 
 of a bargain. 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. But I do insist! I tell you 
 that he is my husband ! He had not been out of my 
 sight twenty-four hours in the past twenty-seven years 
 until this horrid convention at Sacramento; so how 
 can he be all of these criminals? Do you suppose 
 that I do not know my own husband? Why, I am a 
 Theosophist; I attended the Woman's Congress; I 
 wear bloomers; I ride a wheel. No man can fool me! 
 
 Hawkeye. (To Mrs. B.j And you say that 
 your husband was with you on the night of the first of 
 July, about ten o'clock? 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. Certainly he was. He never 
 stepped out of the house that evening. 
 
 Hawkeye. That settles it. You were so positive, 
 that for a moment I thought I might have made a 
 mistake. But now I am certain that this man is not 
 your husband; for this man was undoubtedly at Cow 
 Creek Canyon, Oregon, on the night of July first. 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 2 1 
 
 SoMERS and Brovvnjones. How do you know- 
 that? 
 
 Hawkeye. From indisputable evidence in my 
 possession. Besides, hear the description of the 
 robber and judge for yourselves whether it does not 
 fit our friend here. ( Takes a paper from his pocket 
 and reads.) Height, 5 feet 4 inches; weight, about 
 150 pounds; eyes, watery; hair, thin and colorless; 
 nose, pug; forehead, receding; complexion, muddy; 
 general appearance, insignificant; marks, 
 
 Brownjones. Stop ! Stop ! Somers, is that a 
 correct description of me ? (SoM.^v^'S> crosses to L.) 
 
 SoMERS. Why, yes; I must say that is very good. 
 
 Brownjones. Then take me to jail, officer. That 
 is where I belong. I made a mistake in being at large. 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. But he shall not go to jail; 
 the father of my children shall not go to jail. I shall 
 punish him. Don't you worry. He goes with me. 
 
 Brownjones. I don't. Officer, this woman is a 
 lunatic. Arrest her and shut her up. Isn't she a 
 lunatic, Somers? (^ Tt? Hawkeye. j He knows her. 
 Somers knows her family. Knew her before she was 
 in the Stockton Asylum; for she has been there. 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. This is too, too much ! Mr. 
 Somers, I appeal to you. You know Brownjones 
 well. You know this is he. Say so. 
 
 Brownjones. (Aside to Somers. j Stand by me 
 now, and you get Alice ; if not, she goes to the Con- 
 vent. (Aloud. ) Yes, Somers; speak out; tell the 
 truth. 
 
 Hawkeye. Mr. Somers, you evidently know this 
 lady. Please setde the question. Is this man her 
 husband ? 
 
2 2 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 SoMERS. He is not. This man's name is Sullivan. 
 I know Brownjones well. He is in Yuma. 
 
 Brownjones. (Aside.) Bless you, Frank ! 
 
 Hawkeye. And this lady Is she in her right 
 
 mind? 
 
 SoMERS. I rather think not. 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. O, you perfidious wretch ! 
 Men are all alike — all against a poor woman, and 
 always shielding one another — 'twas ever thus! 
 
 Hawkeye. Moreover, madam, this man Sullivan 
 has another wife. 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. Then he is a bigamist. 
 
 Somers. Yes, and a beautiful creature, who is 
 here 
 
 (Enter Gretchen.j 
 
 Brownjones. And here she is (indicating Gret- 
 CHEN j. Somers, take care of my wife, will you ? 
 (pointing to Gretchen.J I'm penned up behind 
 this table and cannot do anything, and I 'm afraid that 
 lunatic will do her some mischief 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. That lunatic ! Oh, you will 
 suffer for this ! (^Somers takes Gretchen aside and 
 talks in loiv tones. ) 
 
 Brownjones. And now, officer, I'll trouble you 
 to remove the lunatic. I may be a train robber, a 
 murderer, — what you will, — but I have committed no 
 crime to warrant the infliction upon me of that woman! 
 
 Somers. ( To Hawkeye. ) Yes, take her out, 
 and leave Sullivan alone with his wife for a few min- 
 utes. He can't escape, you know. 
 
 Hawkeye. I know it. And it is reasonable that 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 23 
 
 he should want to bid adieu to his wife. ( To Mrs. 
 Brownjones. j Come along, madam! (Takes her 
 arm. ) 
 
 Brownjones. 'I 
 
 SoMERS. /■ Yes, go along, madam ! 
 
 Gretchen. ) 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. I shall not go along ! Come 
 on, all of you, and make me budge, if you dare ! 
 
 Hawkeye. (To Mrs. B. j Come, come. 
 
 Brownjones. ^ 
 
 SoMERS. \ Yes, go, go! (They push her.) 
 
 Gretchen. j 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. Never! (Struggling.) 
 
 Brownjones. "] 
 
 SoMERS. r Go on — go to Stocktou ! 
 
 Gretchen. ) 
 
 (They push Mrs. Brownjones. Hawkeye drags 
 her. She struggles and screams, but is finally pushed 
 out. Hawkeye and Somers go with her, door R. ) 
 
 Brownjones. And this is my pleasant holiday ! 
 Truly, I am having a glorious time ! My wife taken 
 off to a lunatic asylum; I myself arrested for train 
 robbery; our happy home wrecked; my children 
 practically orphans. Yes, Johnson Brownjones, you 
 have made a howling success of your holiday this 
 year, and no mistake ! But I must now try to set 
 matters right. And, to begin with, I must make use 
 of this girl to help me out. (To Gretchen. ^1 Now, 
 my good soul, you know that I am in a whole peck 
 of trouble, and you alone can help me. Will you do 
 so, my dear? Will you? 
 
24 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 Gretchen. Ach! What can a poor girl like me 
 do? 
 
 Brownjones. a great deal. In the first place, 
 you know you are my wife. 
 
 Gretchen. I — your wife! Never! You might 
 be the only man in the velt^ but you would never be 
 my man. 
 
 Brov^^njones. Oh, but it is only for a short time, 
 you know. Of course, you will not be my wife really, 
 but people must think that you are. 
 
 Gretchen. What peoples? 
 
 Brownjones. Why, my real wife, and Hawkeye, 
 and the people of the place here, and the visitors. 
 
 Gretchen. Nein, 7iein! I do not understand all 
 this. Let me to my work go! (Moves toward 
 door L.) 
 
 Brownjones. Oh, Gretchen — dear Gretchen ! 
 Do not desert me, or I am lost ! 
 
 Gretchen. (Holding out Iter hand.) Wie viel? 
 
 Brownjones. We feel? Of course, we feel. Of 
 course, you feel for a poor unfortunate husband and 
 father in mental anguish and physical distress. 
 
 Gretchen. (Making gesture with her fingers.) 
 Wie viel ? What you say ? How much ? 
 
 Brownjones. What ? The same old story, eh ? 
 Nothing goes but the almighty dollar. I am sur- 
 prised at your heartlessness, Gretchen. 
 
 Gretchen. ( Shniggi>ig shoulders ) I am only 
 a simple German girl. But Fritz is far away and it 
 takes geld to come to America. 
 
 Brownjones. Well, I '11 give you fifty dollars. 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 25 
 
 Gretchen. (Shaking her head.) Nein, not 
 geiiug. The steerage is forty thalers from Bremen. 
 
 Brownjones. Seventy-five ! 
 
 Gretchen. Not gemcg. The Southern Pacific 
 makes me pay sixty thalers from New York. 
 
 Brownjones. One hundred ! 
 
 Gretchen. Nein. For he must have clothes und 
 dings, and they cost many thalers. 
 
 Brownjones. D — n it! Well, a hundred and 
 fifty. There ! ( Gives her money. ) 
 
 Gretchen. Grtt / Now I am your wife. 
 
 Brownjones. {Attempting to kiss her.) My dear 
 little turtle-dove. 
 
 Gretchen. (Pushing him off.) When the peoples 
 is here, — but when we are alone I am not your wife, 
 only the maid Gretchen. 
 
 Buster. ( Appearing at door R.) Hello! What's 
 goin' on here? Holy smoke! but I'll soon find 
 out. (Hides behind the screen and looks oitt. ) 
 
 Gretchen. Only a simple maid, — but if you want 
 one little ki'isse- 
 
 Brownjones. I do. I do 
 
 Gretchen. (Holding out her hand.) IVie vie If 
 
 Brownjones. Well — ten cents. 
 
 Gretchen. Ten cents ! Vat could I do mil ten 
 cents? 
 
 Brownjones. Well, I don't care — Ten dollars 
 then. 
 
 Gretchen. All right. Will you have him now 
 — in a minute. 
 
 Brownjones. (Rapturously.) In a minute? In 
 a second ! (Takes her hand and attempts to embrace 
 
2 6 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 her. At that moment Mrs. Brownjones a//.?«rj- at 
 door R., and stops, looking at them, and shaking her 
 umbrella at Brownjones. ) 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. Oh ! 
 
 Brownjones. (Starting.) What was that ! 
 ( Looks aroic7id. Mrs. B. hides behind screen and looks 
 ont. ) O, nothing. Now, my dear Uttle girl, let me 
 have that ten dollars' worth of kilssens. (Puts his arm 
 aronnd Gretchen's waist.) 
 
 Buster. (Appearing from behind screen and 
 brandishing bowie-knife.) Stop that! Do you want 
 me to cut you into strips? Durn my eyes, if I don't 
 do you up. Come out, you yellow-livered cuss ! come 
 to the woodshed and have it out with me ! Here 
 (offers Brownjones a knife), take that, I have two 
 — and we will carve one another till there 's only one 
 of us left for the girl. (Grabs Brownjones by the 
 shoulder.) Come on now. 
 
 Brownjones. Oh, my! — I know nothing about 
 carving. I am neither a sculptor nor a butcher. Let 
 me alone, will you ? 
 
 Gretchen. Yes; let dat poor old gentleman 
 alone. He is my husband. 
 
 Buster. What? What's that? 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. (Appearing from behind 
 screen, brandishing umbrella.) You impudent hussy ! 
 He is no such thing. He is mine — the only one I 
 have. (Belabors Brownjones over head and shoul- 
 ders ivith umbrella. ) You wretch ! Take that! 
 
 Buster. ( Pjilling Brownjones by one arm.) 
 Come on, come on to the woodshed 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. (Pulling B.'s other arm.) 
 Come on, come on home, you depraved brute ! 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 27 
 
 (They pull him first to one side, then to the other. 
 Finally Brownjones breaks from them and rims 07it 
 at door R., followed by Buster, Mrs. Brownjones, 
 Gretchen, and Hawkeye, who enters at that 
 jnoment. They all re-enter by door at L , and cross 
 the stage, rioiyiing, Brownjones in the lead. They 
 do this twice, in the order named, then exennt onines, 
 running.) 
 
 Enter Alice and Mrs. Newport in traveling dress. 
 
 Alice. What can all this commotion be? I 
 thought I saw my uncle running around a pine-tree 
 followed by a lot of people. Perhaps they are play- 
 ing at tag. I have heard it said that the rarefied air 
 at this altitude makes people do very strange things. 
 
 Mrs. Newport. I can readily believe it. I have 
 seen the strangest things since I came to California, 
 and some of my adventures would have made Baron 
 Munchausen turn green with envy. But what has 
 become of your aunt? 
 
 Alice. I cannot imagine. She suddenly dis- 
 appeared as soon as we arrived. I suppose she is 
 looking for suitable rooms. I must try and find her. 
 
 Mrs. Newport. And I must look for my detective 
 who telegraphed me to come up here. I wonder what 
 his important business is. Probably they have caught 
 my robber, but I hope not. (Se?itinientally.) He 
 called me a perfect Venus, and he was such a hand- 
 some man. (Enter Somers.J Well, that isn't he, 
 anyhow. (Looking at Somers.j 
 
 SoMERS. (Seeing Alice. J Alice ! 
 
28 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 Alice. (Starting .) Frank ! 
 
 Mrs. Newport. Well, as you young people 
 appear to be acquainted, I shall leave you and go and 
 look for my robber. (Exit.) 
 
 Alice. You here ! 
 
 SoMERS. Oh ! Alice, I have some good news, 
 glorious news for both of us. 
 
 Alice. (Coldly.) Indeed ! And what may that 
 glorious news be? 
 
 SoMERS. Your Uncle Brownjones consents to our 
 being married. 
 
 Alice. ( Turning over the leaves of a book.) Oh, 
 he does ? Does he think he can dispose of me as he 
 would of one of his bath-tubs ? 
 
 SoMERS. Apparently ! Anyhow, there are now 
 no impediments to our marriage. 
 
 Alice. ( With indifference.) I do not quite agree 
 with you, Mr. Somers. I think there are insur- 
 mountable impediments. 
 
 Somers. For instance? 
 
 Alice. For instance ; between you and me, Mr. 
 Somers, there are (counting on her fingers) a hypocrite 
 — a bar-room statue — a tippler — a spendthrift 
 
 Somers. Gracious powers ! Is it possible that 
 you believe all that of me ? 
 
 Alice. Certainly ; my good uncle gave me the 
 full and detailed list of your virtues, as I wrote you in 
 my farewell letter. And my uncle is like the Father 
 of his Country — he does not know how to tell lies ; 
 he is a man of lofty character. 
 
 Somers. Lofty character, eh ? Doesn't know how 
 to tell lies ? Why, what do yon suppose he is doing 
 up here ? 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 29 
 
 Alice. Probably pursuing- some scientific investi- 
 gations, or studying' nature. 
 
 SoMERS. Not much ! He is pursuing a girl with 
 blue eyes and chestnut hair — that 's what he is pur- 
 suing; he is studying how to have his wife shut up 
 in the insane asylum; that's what he is studying. 
 Pleasant, healthy pursuits and studies for a married 
 man. 
 
 Alice. What is all this? 
 
 SoMERS. The truth. Everybody here knows it. 
 Ask your aunt; ask the detective; ask any one. 
 
 Alice. (Relenting.) Frank, you are not deceiving 
 me, are you? Is all this possible? It is true that I 
 have never thought you a hypocrite; nor seen you 
 tippling, nor posing as a statue, — -and as for being a 
 spendthrift — the candy you send me, I notice, comes 
 from the grocery store, — and when you take me to the 
 theater our seats are always in the family circle, — 
 and the flowers you send are just a little off, bought 
 
 of the corner peddler No ; you are certainly 
 
 not a spendthrift, Frank. 
 
 SoMERS. But I will be, my darling ! I will re- 
 form. No — I mean, I am all right. Anyhow, I love 
 you better than my life, than my soul, and if you will 
 not have me, I '11 go and throw myself into Lake 
 Tahoe when your uncle is not at hand to fish me out. 
 Oh, Alice, I do love you so ! Will not you love me 
 again? If I have done anything wrong, I am sorry 
 for it, sincerely sorry — and you know, it is said that 
 the angels rejoice when a sinner repents. Will you 
 not help me to repent and the angels to rejoice? 
 
 Alice. Oh, you want me to treat the angels to a 
 smile, do you? 
 
30 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 SoMERS. Alice, for me there is but one angel, and 
 she is on earth. 
 
 Alice. Well, I suppose that I ought to encourage 
 repentance. (To audience.) What do you say? 
 Shall I forgive him? — Yes? All right! I do not 
 believe that he is as black as he has been painted. 
 Anyhow, like many another woman, I am willing to 
 take chances. Frank, you may kiss me if you 
 like (noise outside) — no ; I hear footsteps, some one is 
 coming, — let us go. 
 
 (Exeunt Alice and Somers, door L.) 
 
 Enter Brownjones, running and out of breath, door R. 
 
 Brownjones. (Fanning himself with cap.) Whew! 
 I have given them the slip. There's life in the old 
 man yet. I find that I can dodge and double like a 
 fox. They lost me in the thick wood by the creek 
 and are scrambling up the hill to the Iron Spring on a 
 false trail. And now to be off. I noticed a couple of 
 horses ready saddled standing by the barn. I shall 
 borrow one, and while my persecutors are chasing 
 rainbows around the Iron Spring, I shall gallop off 
 somewhere — I don't care where — anywhere away 
 from Maria, the detective and that furious cow-boy. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Newport, door R. 
 
 Hello ! (Seeing Mrs. Newport, j Why ! The blue 
 eyes and chestnut hair ! 
 
 Mrs. Newport. (Aside.) My Sacramento masher ! 
 
 Brownjones. (Going towards door R.) Excuse 
 me. Madam, I am in somewhat of a hurry 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 3.I 
 
 Mrs. Newport. (Standing between him and door.) 
 You were not in such a hurry in Sacramento. 
 
 Brownjones. Exactly — quite right — I was not, — 
 but you see this is not Sacramento. I shall be very 
 glad to see you at any time — in Sacramento. 
 
 Mrs. Newport. (Sweetly.) And you are not glad 
 to see me here? Oh, fie! Why, what brought you 
 here? 
 
 Brownjones. What indeed ! I don't know, I 'm 
 sure. I wish I had never seen the accursed place. Will 
 you let me pass. Madam. I have — er — important 
 business outside. 
 
 Mrs. Newport. And your temper was much 
 sweeter in Sacramento. Why, you smiled at me at 
 the station. 
 
 Brownjones. I — smiled ? — I never smile — at 
 least not — not in that way. Oh, yes; I remember 
 now, — I smiled sarcastically. 
 
 Mrs. Newport. Oh! indeed, — sarcastically! And 
 pray what do you mean by that ? 
 
 Brownjones. I mean sarcastically. Don't you 
 know that there are different kinds of smiles. There 's 
 the baby smile, natural, ingenuous, — I can't smile that 
 way — I know too much. There's the happy smile, 
 — I can't smile that way — I 'm too miserable. There 's 
 the sickly smile, — I can't smile that way — I'm not 
 sick; and there's the sarcastic smile, — that's what 
 smiled near you in Sacramento, — not at you, near you. 
 Let me by, please. 
 
 Mrs. Newport. Not yet. Did you also wink 
 sarcastically ? Did you also wave your handkerchief 
 sarcastically when I was on the train ? 
 
32 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 Brownjones. Oh, I don't know — But let me 
 pass — let me pass ! There 's a detective after me — 
 
 Mrs. Newport. (Sarcastically.) A detective! After 
 a good, quiet man like you ! You astonish me. And 
 why is a detective after you ? 
 
 Brownjones. Oh, I am a full-fledged train robber 
 — a Cow Greek Canyon train robber ! 
 
 Mrs. Newport. You ! (Takes his head in both 
 her hands and turns his face towards her.) — No; not 
 my robber at any rate. He was a handsome man and 
 he called me — well, never mind what — Do you 
 know him ? Were you in his gang ? 
 
 Brownjones. I? Never! I'm not a real robber, 
 only suspected. And now good-bye; I must fly. The 
 detective is after me; the furious cow-boy is after me; 
 my wife is after me. 
 
 Mrs. Newport. Your wife ! You are married 
 then. And you tried to flirt with me ! 
 
 Brownjones. I did not. You flirted with me. 
 
 Mrs. Newport. Married ! And you smiled sarcas- 
 tically ! But I forget — you are a criminal — a train 
 robber. I remember you now. I shall inform the 
 detective that I identify you, and my identification 
 will mean conviction. I shall tell your wife how you 
 tried to flirt with me in Sacramento — oh, I am afraid 
 that you will rue the day when you met me. 
 
 Brownjones. Rue it ! If I simply rued it, I 
 should be comparatively happy. 
 
 Mrs. Newport. " Sweet is revenge, especially to 
 women." You will be taken to San Francisco with 
 gyves upon your wrists. I believe that hanging is 
 now the penalty for train robbery. ^Brownjones 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 33 
 
 attempts to pass her.) No (pushing him back)^ you are 
 my prisoner. You smile sarcastically, do you ? 
 ('Brownjones falls helplessly into a chair.) Perhaps 
 you will have an opportunity to learn and practice 
 
 that sickly smile you mentioned just now Ah! 
 
 here comes some one. 
 
 Enter Alice, door L. 
 
 Alice. (To BrownjonesJ Why, Uncle ! How 
 are you? (Goes up to him and shakes him.) Uncle, 
 what is the matter? fBROWNjONES groans.) Don't 
 you know me? Don't you remember Alice? 
 
 Brownjones. ' ' Don't you remember sweet Alice, 
 Ben Bolt?" Oh, yes; as least, no; I don't. I'm 
 Sullivan. I'm a robber; a murderer; a sarcastic 
 smiler; a something — I don't quite know what or 
 who I am. 
 
 Mrs. Newport. (To Alice J Is this your uncle? 
 (Pointing to Brownjones. j 
 
 Alice. To be sure. Did I not tell you that my 
 aunt and I were to join him here ? 
 
 Mrs. Newport. (Aside.) Her uncle ! That alters 
 matters. She is a nice girl. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Brownjones, Hawkeye and Somers 
 — running and out of breath. They fall into chairSy 
 panting. 
 
 Hawkeye. Here he is ! 
 
 Alice. Uncle ! Auntie ! Will some one please 
 tell me what is the matter with my uncle and aunt? 
 
34 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 Hawkeye. What's this? Uncle! Aunt! (To 
 Alice.; Who do you think this is? (Pointing to 
 BrownjonesJ 
 
 Alice. Why, my Uncle Brownjones, of course. 
 Who else should it be ? 
 
 Hawkeye. f/'(?/;2//;«^/'<? Mrs. Brownjqnes.J And 
 this lady? 
 
 Alice. Why, my Aunt Brownjones, of course. 
 
 Hawkeye. She is crazy, is she not ? 
 
 Alice. You are crazy, I think, to ask such a 
 question. Will not somebody tell me what all this 
 means ? 
 
 Hawkeye. I am a detective, — Hawkeye, of 
 Pinkerton's force — I never sleep 
 
 Mrs. Newport. Poor man, how long your life 
 must seem. But if you are Hawkeye, where is my 
 robber ? 
 
 Hawkeye. (Pointing to Brownjones.; Why, 
 there — — At least, I think so; don't you identify 
 him? 
 
 Mrs. Newport. That my robber ! That thing ! 
 Never! My robber was a handsome man. He called 
 me a perfect Venus, and he had such blue eyes ! 
 Such a voice ! Such a Grecian nose ! Such a com- 
 plexion ! Such a slender throat ! 
 
 Hawkeye. How could see all that, Madam, when 
 he wore a mask ? 
 
 Mrs. Newport. Never mind how — I saw it. 
 Why, he was at least six feet two inches and as hand- 
 some as Apollo. And you have brought me up here 
 to look at this creature. ( Pointing to Brownjones.; 
 You are a nice detective. Your name should be Mole- 
 eye instead of Hawkeye. I am disgusted. (Exit.) 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 35 
 
 Hawkeye. It seems that I have made a mistake. 
 I must telegraph to headquarters for further instruc- 
 tions. (Exit.) 
 
 SoMERS. (Aside to Alice. j Come outside a 
 moment, Alice; I have something to say to you. 
 (Exeu7it SoMERS afid Alice, j 
 
 CMrs. Brownjones sobs ; her face buried in her 
 handkerchief.) 
 
 Brownjones. (Aside.) Now, I'm in for it — 
 (Aloud.) Ahem — Ahem — Mrs. B. — My dear, don't 
 cry 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. (Crying.) Oh! — Oh! 
 
 Oh! 
 
 Brownjones. You see, it is all explained. I 'm 
 not a train robber or a criminal. It was a case of 
 mistaken identity. 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. Oh ! I do not care about 
 
 that. It was not that. I should not care if you had 
 killed everybody on the train. But to say that I was 
 not your wife ; — oh ! — oh ! (Sobs.) 
 
 Brownjones. Well, — you see, my dear — (Aside.) 
 Now for another lie; one more will not matter much, 
 (Aloud.) You see, I found out that I was being 
 shadowed and suspected, and so I came here instead 
 of going to Yuma — to avoid unpleasantness. 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. Then you did not follow a 
 women with blue eyes and chestnut hair? 
 
 Brownjones. I? Never, never! I swear it — 
 
 by my ancestors — by this good right hand 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. No; don't swear Johnson. 
 But (sobbing), oh! — oh! — I saw you with your 
 arm around that creature's waist. You were kissing 
 her 
 
36 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 Mr. Brownjones. Now, my dear, that was all 
 put on, to keep up appearances. Do you think I 
 can really love a Dutch girl, whom I never saw 
 before to-day, better than my own little wifey ? 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. I know that I am growing 
 old, but I never thought you would tire of me— never ! 
 — oh ! — oh ! 
 
 Brow^njones. ( IVit/i much feeltt7g.) And I am not 
 tired of you, dear wife. Yes, we are both growing 
 old; but there is one thing older still, and that is love. 
 It is older than our first parents, and yet younger than 
 the new woman. You are a good woman, Maria, and 
 Solomon has said that a good woman is more precious 
 than rubies; — yet there is one thing more precious 
 still — and that is love. It is the greatest thing in the 
 world, — we must not forget that, Maria, even if we 
 are old. It has kept us together all these years; it 
 must keep us together to the end. Do you remember 
 ia little song you used to sing before we were married, 
 about the sun-flower — how it turns the same look to 
 the sun in the evening as in the morning ? It is 
 evening with us now, but I am like a sun-flower, my 
 look to you and my love for you are the same as they 
 were in the morning of our lives. You know this, 
 Maria. 
 
 Mrs. Brov^'NJONES. Yes, Johnson, I think you 
 love me still; only you have such a singular way of 
 showing it sometimes. 
 
 Brownjones. That is on account of circumstances 
 over which I have no control. Now, Maria, say you 
 believe and forgive me. 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 37 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. Yes, John, I believe you. I 
 forgive you. 
 
 Brownjones. (Aside.) O, those kisses on the 
 Blarney stone ! How useful they prove sometimes. 
 (Aloud.) Well, now that we have made up, let us go 
 and find the others and have a general jollification. 
 
 Enter SoMERS and Alice hand in hand. 
 
 Brownjones. Hello! What's this? Frank, what 
 are you doing with my ward ! 
 
 Alice. We are going to be married. Uncle and 
 Auntie. 
 
 Brownjones. What ! without my permission ? 
 Never ! 
 
 SoMERS. (Aside to Brownjones. j Remember 
 your promise. 
 
 Brownjones. To be sure — ah, yes — all right. 
 But it is my duty, as a trustee, to give my ward an 
 opportunity to make a better match. Alice, there is 
 a gentleman of wealth and prominence in San Fran- 
 cisco who wishes to marry you. Will you have that 
 prominent gentleman or this individual ? (Pointing to 
 
 SOMERS.J 
 
 Alice. Uncle, I '11 have the individual. 
 
 fMRS. Brownjones kisses Alice.j 
 
 Enter Gretchen, Buster, Hawkeye and Mrs. 
 Newport. 
 
 Gretchen. (Sobbifig.) Oh! — oh! — oh! — I feel 
 so bad ! 
 
 All. What is the matter, Gret ? 
 
 Gretchen. Oh! — it is Fritz — I just had one 
 
38 THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 letter from my Mutter^ and she say Fritz has married 
 my cousin Freda in Oberhausen — oh ! — oh ! — — 
 
 Brownjones. Well, then, why not marry Buster 
 here? He loves you. 
 
 Gretchen. Oh, but a wild man like that — a 
 cow-man. 
 
 . Mrs. Brownjones. (Looking attentively at Buster, 
 and removing his sombrero.) What's that? — A wild 
 man ? — Why, this is little Johnny Bingo, salesman 
 at the lace counter at Rosenbaum's. I have known 
 Johnny well for years. I guess he was never out of 
 San Francisco till he came here. He would not hurt 
 a fly. 
 
 Gretchen. What? No cow-man? Then I have 
 him, and he have Fritz's ^^/^. 
 
 Buster. Good for you, Gret. You won't regret it. 
 
 Mrs. Newport. Well, good people, I must be 
 off to look for my robber. 
 I Hawkeye. Suppose we seek him together. 
 
 Mrs. Newport. I do not mind. You are a 
 pretty good-looking man yourself. And I shall make 
 you keep your eyes open. Is it to be through 
 life ? (Archly.) 
 
 Hawkeye. (Boiving.) Through life. fMRs. New- 
 port takes his arm.) 
 
 Brownjones. Well, this has been a day of ex- 
 periences. An individual called Bacon has said that 
 a man is simply what he knows. Now, I don't agree 
 with Mr. Bacon. I believe that a man is simply what 
 he accomplishes. Therefore, I believe I am great, for 
 I have accomplished much to-day. First, I got 
 everybody in this place upside down; then I turned 
 
THE TRAIN ROBBER. 
 
 39 
 
 them all right side up again. Is n't that great ? And 
 of one thing you may all rest assured : I have to-day 
 been out on my first and last "racket." 
 
 SOMERS. 
 
 Alice. 
 
 Hawkeye. 
 
 Mrs. Newport, 
 
 i?. 
 
 Mrs. Brownjones. 
 Brownjones. 
 Gretchen. 
 Buster. 
 
 Curtain. 
 
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