Class _T^^^S4_5 Book ■ H g 1 1 A7 Copy)ightl\i°_ . COPifRIGHT DEPOSIT. ^*' I Ml 7 o^ ALF. AND OTHER THINGS ■BY— GEO. B. WHITNEY .^flv^^ ^"0^^% APR 22 I9i3 ©CI.A494(597 'K C I TABLE OF CONTENTS Prose Alf . . 35 Poem Bachelor's Washing and Ironing Day 61 Prose and Poetry Charity 15 Prose Common Sense 68 Poem Death 19 Prose and Poetry Faith 13 Prose and Poetry Hypocrisy . . 16 Prose and Poetry Hope 14 Poem It Certainly Hurt . 32 Poem It's Certainly Fine . 29 Prose and Poetry Justice 23 Poetry Kite-Flying 10 Prose and Poetry Life 21 Prose and Poetry Law . . 2^ Prose and Poetry Lawyers 31 Prose Making More Daylight 62 Poem My Adieux to Clare County 24 Poem Out the Way 74 Poem Ode to an Old Room 65 Poem Potatoes Aren't Easy to Raise 70 Verse Roasting Marshmallows 78 Poem Reflections on a Winter's Thunder- storm 52 Song Strike, Sons of Columbia . . 25 Song Strike, Sons of Columbia . . 84 Prose Self-preservation 79 Song Sand 76 Poem Suffering . . 20 Prose Sundays 72 Poem The World is My Oyster . . 59 Prose and Poetry The Human Mind . . 9 Poem True Conservation . . 87 Prose and Poetry Truth 17 Song The Bells of Life IS Prose Twentieth Century Efficiency 56 Poem Up~to-Date Wholesaling 33 Poem What Shall We Plant, and Why . 53. Poem What's In a Name? 85 PREFACE To my critics, I will say, I have decided to give this little book to the world, but fully realize that it — like its author — is full of crudeness and imperfections. That I have no idea it will make any kind of a *'dent" in lit- erature. To my friends — those who really know me — you will know, after you have read it, why it was written. To myself, I say, if these simple ideas of mine, put into print, help a single soul to think more deeply, and live a simpler, better life, I shall be satisfied. THE AUTHOR. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS THE HUMAN MIND OUR minds are harp-strings played upon by the spirit of the Infinite. As we respond to that touch, so are we either strengthened for every trial before us, lifted above the sordid things of this earth, to a closer communion with the player, or are depressed and disheartened and finally plunged into the very depth of despair. The word of God is the written music from which the Infinite draws from our minds sweet music, and our own sordid natures are the parts that cause the discords in our lives. Our minds register all our acts, both good and bad, as well as regulating those acts, and, at the end of life, that registry, we believe, will administer to us its own judgment. Our minds are harp-strings, playing music sweet. Or discord, as the strings are touched by He, or man; What will the music be when face to face we meet, If we have failed to use His music, and did the other scan. Our minds are also albums, written through and through With good and bad, our secret thoughts and pur- poses intent; Regulating our actions while we're here, choosing the false or true. So we believe our judgments will from this same source be sent. 10 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS KITE PLYING TWO lads were playing in the father's field of one, one day, At games that only lads invent, and thoroughly en- joy; €limbing the trees, standing on their heads, and tumbling in their play. And doing many of the things we did when you and I were boys. When tired at last, they threw themselves upon the grass to rest. In the cool shade the leaves and branches of an old oak made; And looking upward, as they lay, beyond the old oak's crest, They stories told, until one unto the other said: "Let's make a kite, and fly it in the field beyond the lane. Or else the one up near the house along the road to town." "All right," said his companion, "I don't think it's going to rain Before we'll get it finished." And so they made the kite to crown The day of pleasure they each had had, filled full their measure o'er. With bits of sticks, and strings, and papers bright, with pictures on. They made it; with a tail, from Dad's old coat, to ballast when it did soar; And to the end they tied a bit of red, they called it fixre, to gaze upon. And when 'twas finished, they were anxious to know if it would fly. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 11 They found a string they thought was long and strong enough to let it soar To proper height, and to the field along the road they carried it, to try It out before the eyes of Dad and Mother, and of passers, many more. Their confidence in their workmanship, you notice, was superb. "Now if the wind gets right, we'll let her go," said one unto the other, "But just at present there's no wind at all, or not enough to disturb A feather. But there she comes ! Let her go ! See, Dad! See, Mother!" As years rolled 'round, these boys developed into men. And played the "game of life," and tried it fair to play; Sometimes the game grew strenuous — to one we know — and when He tired grew, so tired he felt a rest must take today ; Decided all alone to build another kite, and see if it would fly ; So took some sticks from his own life, some paper from some others'. Put them together with a paste called "hope," and a "string" to let it in the sky. With "precepts" for a tail to balance it, from his old Dad's and Mother's. And so he takes it out — he and his girls (of boys he's only one) — To see if it will fly, as that one did of old when but a boy. 12 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS He must have help (the boy is self-elected to help make the Germans run), And so his girls must help to send it out into the world with joy. And so they take it out ; the sky is fair, the air is al- most still. We wait impatient ; one thinks it will not fly, another thinks it will. There, girls, the breeze is coming, and coming, too, just right; Hold her up ! Let her go ! Again we fly our kite. ^ If we are not true to the ideals of right — which are always the ones first given us — we soon degen- erate into weak, worldly mortals and become useless as far as our influence for real good in the world is concerned. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 13 FAITH FAITH is one of the greatest of our virtues, or bases of our purposes. We must have faith to do the many little duties of our daily lives. Faith, that in the performing of them, the good we expect to be accomplished in such performance, will be the re- sult of our efforts. The farmer must have faith, that, in the tillage of the soil, the sowing of the grain, and in the performance of his various duties, he will be able to feed and clothe those near and dear to him, and do hi& share toward supplying the needs of others. And so the merchant, the mechanic, and every one of other professions, must have faith in the good there is in their calling, so as to bring it forth, or else it becomes to him simply a sordid, money-making proposition. We must have faith in each other, else what would life be worth to us. Faith in nature's laws, and the laws of God, so that we can regulate and adjust our own lives in acord- ance with them, so as to develop our own natures to their fullest, and not become a human shuttle-cock blown by the breeze of every passing fancy, and finally dashed upon life's rocks in complete ship- wreck. Faith is the first, and a virtue most dear. For without it but little of life's tasks would be did. We must have it to plant, and do all we do here ; In the exercise of it, we bring forth things that are hid. Faith points the way where daily duties must tread ; It strengthens our hearts, our minds, and our wills ; Like a searchlight it flashes 'way on and ahead. To clear out our pathway beyond this valley of ills. 14 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS HOPE HOPE is another great virtue, or attribute of our lives, and is rightly called a "twin-sister of Faith. We hope when starting out on life's journey — if we have a right conception of its duties — that we may be useful to those around us, the world at large, and our Maker also for creating us and surrounding us with things for our enjoyment. Hope in the selec- tion of our life calling, and that in its fullest consum- mation, we may be instruments of good in the world. Hope buoys us up when life's storms are hardest and all looks dark around us, and we sometimes think our frail bark may become a shipwreck, but which, by its exercise, withstands all its buffetings, and, with Faith to guide us, will at life's end, we believe, help us to make a safe eternal anchorage. Hope is but second, and a twin-sister of Faith, It gives us the courage to go on day by day With our work, and our duty, as the Good Book sayeth. Hope cheers our hearts through our work and our play. The lining to every life-cloud is the virtue called Hope; A bright, glowing light, that illumes our life-road ; A star in the darkness, that helps us to cope With all of life's struggles to our eternal abode. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 15 CHARITY IT HAS been said of the three virtues, Faith, Hope, and Charity, "The greatest of these is Charity." Charity is the mantle that covereth the faults of hu- manity; and, if fitly exercised, will give to each that "Peace that passeth all understanding." It is not only the gifts we rightly bestow upon others that constitutes true charity, but the liberal interpreta- tion of all questionable acts of others, giving to each the benefit of every doubt in the matter. We have the assurance that as we exercise this virtue in the judgment of others, so likewise will it be exercised toward us. The greatest of virtues is the one we call Charity ; Which covers of faults a multitude o'er. This virtue among humans, has become a great rarity, But should have been cultivated with each of us more. With its mantle it covers the faults of the many ; Its exercise, to each heart does give a warm glow ; Forgiveness of sins, that against us, if any. Will give to our own souls a comfort, I know. 16 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS HYPOCRISY HYPOCRISY is one of the most infamous and con- temptuous of all the forms of sin. Untruth is its father, deceit its mother, and self-interest, flat- tery, pride, and duplicity are its nearest of kin, while uncharitableness, unfaithfulness, mercilessness, and hate are its children. Its forms are varied, from the one of making a profession of religion and living the life of an evil spirit, and he who makes no profession, contemning such, but doing things he contemns. Both the Old and New Testaments abound in severest con- demnation of Hypocrisy, and we do not feel we are presuming when we predict that in that great day when the sheep and goats are divided and receive their respective rewards there will be a great num- ber bearing the placards, ''Hypocrite, Prime, Lowest Ovens." There are sins black indeed, called "sins of commis- sion," That His Word and our conscience does clearly condemn ; There are others we know by the name, "sins of omission," But Hypocrisy is blacker and fouler than either of them. ^ ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 17 TRUTH TRUTH is an eternal fact, or, one of the attributes of Infinity. It matters not what we may think of each other's characters, how we may differ about social customs, politics, religion, or other manifold things of everyday life; or the greater ones, the origin of life and matter, the vastness of the universe, and the laws that govern it; whether there is a fu- ture life for us poor mortals after we pass from this, and what that life is to be. The truth of the matter is all that has existed, or will ever exist, as a fact, at any time, all else being but figments of the human brain. Truth is the foundation of every sterling character, without which any life, it matters not how polished and apparently fine it may appear on the surface, is but a hollow sham, and the integrity of that individual but a mockery. The Scriptures abound in admonitions to exercise this great virtue, and also in the severest condemnation of untruth- fulness. Truth is like a silver stream, flowing from the source of all. Leaving in each life a gleam, like sunlight on a water- fall. Let us each constantly acquire, through the days we struggle on. This great virtue, as we mount higher, and toward the setting of our sun. ^^. 18 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS THE BELLS OF LIFE WHEN we are young and gay, we hear the bells a-ringing, a-ringing, With joyful, happy sounds through all the glad- some days; These bells that we hear, then, are only earthly sing- ing, singing. Youth's happy language to us each, expressed in tuneful lays. Chorus. Life's bells to us do change, from first until the end ; Let us ring the joy-bells of our springtime while we may, For as we older grow the meter getteth slow. And is sung at last by angels and our friends. When we grow older we hear the bells a-toliing, a- tolling, To call us to our places upon the Sabbath days. The last call we shall hear will be a trumpet's rolling, rolling. Calling us to help them sing His eternal, royal praise. Chorus. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 19 DEATH DEATH is the separation of man's ethereal form From its crude tenement or dwelling place of earthly clay. Whither shall each? and what the life after 'tis torn From its weak confines, is to be ? should be asked by all today. Why should we suffer, if, after all this harrowing of pain, The spirit, like the clay, disintegrates, then van- ishes in air? Would it not be useless so to live? Would not life all be vain If death ends all? This now we ask, and also try to answer fair. Life seems to me a preparation for a fuller state be- yond The present, where our humble sacrifices here will not be lost; Where life's dim shadows will then be clear as mir- age in a crystal pond ; The anchorage we have longed for, for our poor souls so rudely tempest-tossed. Just what this future is to be has never yet been clearly showm to man; But that a useful one it is to be Fm sure — no other could avail; And so I state my conclusions here, for they who may to scan : Death is the golden door to better things beyond this earthly vail. 20 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS SUFFERING WHY should our dear ones be stricken with pain? Their poor mortal bodies by torture be wrung ? Why should our tears fall from our eyes like the rain ? Our feelings be torn when their last song is sung? In His infinite wisdom, there a reason must be, But what to our poor mortal eyes is not clear; It may be for patience and sympathy for others we see; Or it may be to wean us from the things that are here. If we knew naught but joy, no feeling for sorrow could give ; For by contrast we feel things in fullness for others ; We love and we grieve, through the years that we live; For others we sacrifice, as if they were brothers. Their pain brings our sympathy and touches our hearts ; Till their joys become ours, and their tears we help dry, And our fullness of life ihrough these things become parts, And receives its full answers to the questions of why. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 21 LIFE LIFE is matter in animate motion, and in all things means activity, especially so in human life. How often we hear the expression, '*He, or she, is a live person." Human life is either admirable, or con- demnatory, as this activity is directed either into right or wrong channels ; and whence comes this di- rection? Is all the good within us inherent and ac- quired by moral education, or is there something else that directs our actions, in spite of inherent traits or education? The answer to this question is important to everyone. To myself this question analyzes in this way. Within man there exists, inseparable while we live, a physical and a spiritual part, the combination of which makes us what we are — su- perior earthly animals. By this combination we are "given dominion over all things on the earth." As man is the only being on earth exercising full domin- ion, then this spiritual part must be the real person of each individual, and not the form we see. This in each is different, and is what we term personality, or individuality, and makes each the separate, distinct individual we each are ; each either filling the niche He plans for us to fill and developing our individu- ality to its fullest, or following our own sordid fancies or carnal desires, until we I ecome so dwarfed spirit- ually we are unable to do any of the real things He would have us do. Self-examination should begin early in life, and as the result of that examination shows clear to us our needs, should be applied to the culture of the good within us, or repression of the evil, as they each appear in this self-examination. 22 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS iiniiiiiiiiniMiiiii Life is action, death is likewise its great opposite fact; Both serving their great purpose in His great earthly plan. Let each one in living their brief life, both live and act So that their course vi^hen ended here will be a part with future man. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 23 JUSTICE JUSTICE is usually represented by a pair of bal- ances, with the Goddess of Liberty holding the scales ; and this figure is indeed typical, as only in a free nation is full justice possible, and many times in such a mere figure of speech. Absolute justice is many times hard to attain, but when attained, and tempered with mercy, brings forth naught but good. Justice, truth, and mercy, are three essentials in every sterling character, and when love is added we have a perfect character. It is the basis of all en- during law, the strength of every enduring social fabric, the epitome of every right decision. Without it man's assertions are a mockery, his claims to right- eousness, blasphemy, and he a hypocrite indeed. Justice are the scales that balance right, And is held by the hand that holds liberty, too ; When wrong throws it up, we must then make the fight To regain equilibrium, both honest and true. Making lines hard and fast, it seems hard when at- tained ; But when tempered with mercy the result is most good; With Justice and Mercy to judge, when wrong is ar- raigned. Their decision is right, no appeal's understood. 24 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS MY ADIEUX TO CLARE COUNTY GOOD-BYE, old friend, and when again we meet I hope all rancor, and all flings will be forgot. For I have from you many inspirations sweet Put into verse, and prose, and dreams, upon this spot; Where fate, it seems to me, has taken her own part In crushing from the narrow confines of my soul Many selfish things, that, kept within the heart, And kept there long, soon masters us, and our con- trol Of thought and action, and the work for us to do,- — And work enough there is, some clear and plain, And some so clouded that our sky so blue Is clouded like the one above before the rain. And so our trials, and our burdens, sometimes hard. Clears out the soul and shows the bright expanse above ; For cleared by sacrifice, we feel the great reward, And when the dross is cleared from out our hearts, leaves love. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 25 STRIKE, SONS OF COLUMBIA OUR nation's flag must soon again be stained By the blood of her sons, and the tears of her mothers ; Not for conquest or pelf is our might being arraigned, But for freedom and peace, and righting wrongs done by others. Chorus. Strike! Sons of Columbia, strike the foe with thy might. Until at thy feet plead they your blows for to cease. With monarchs stamped out, masses soon do the right ; And until this is done, can the world long have peace. The nations' flags, across the waves, are torn and tattered ; Their ground is torn by shells, and their graves are dotted thick ; But they bravely stood the shock when the blows came hard that shattered. We are coming, friends, to help you, and we're on the double-quick. Chorus. Strike ! Sons of Columbia, your brothers have called,. To help in the fray that is waged for the right; When thy blows falling fast, and the foe is appalled At the vigor delivered, hurrah ! with your might. The nations' dear ones, wives and children, foully murdered. 26 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS Are calling from their graves beneath the briny waves, Not for vengeance, but that the power of those who ordered, Be eliminated ever and punished, the same as common knaves. Chorus. Strike! Sons of Columbia, strike! but thy flag — never, — With all of your resources, every one, every hour; Show the foe we are patriots, now and forever; Strike hard, and strike deep, show the world now thy power. ^ We are all cogs in the great wheel of life. Let us each stick tenaciously to the rim until we have per- formed our part in His program of life. ^ We deserve what we usually get, and usually get what we deserve. «^^ ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 27 LAW LAW is supposed to be the rule that should regu- late all our acts, otherwise the conductor of our train of morals. It dates back way beyond the mem- ory of the oldest inhabitant. Moses is said to be the first writer of laws, but since then writers on law have not been as explicit as he. That is why a good law library has to have so many book-shelves. Some men have some law in their heads, but it is princi- pally in books bound in sheepskin, at eight dollars per volume, which, with the usual lawyers' fees, shows that it comes high even in the original pack- age, and, like intoxicating liquors, is to most people very bewildering. Interpreting law seems to be a special profession, while interpreting right, most any- body can do ; which leads me to think there must be quite a difference. Disregard of the law is the road the criminal takes to the penitentiary; and the time it takes him to get there depends largely on the size of his bankroll. The application of law to secure justice, is like the application of a mustard plaster to remove pain; if applied by skillful hands, in the right spot, one gets relief, otherwise a blister. (Per- sonal experience.) Law is of old, and continuous through the ages, down to us. And, as it rolls along, old Father Time adds much unto its size ; Men become skillful in its knowledge, but feed upon the fuss The breaking of it brings, and the common differ- ences that arise Between poor mortals, and the feeling that in conse- quence between 28 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS Them comes. But little law myself I've had, my brother and my sister, And so that's why, it to apply, I say, is often like a blister. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 29 IT'S CERTAINLY FINE IT'S certainly fine, when we think back, when we were girl or boy, Remembering that, with rare exceptions, our lives were one continuous joy; One round of pleasure, from the rising to the setting of the sun ; Our tasks were then not irksome, but listed then as fun. Our walks to school, after our morning duties at the farm ; The romps and games we all enjoyed, without ap- parent harm ; The duties that our teachers gave were pleasures to prepare, And the friendly strife between us left no rancor in our air. And then, when we were older, and we began to think More seriously of life, and the things upon its brink. We found pleasure in helping Mother, and pleasure in helping Dad, And when either one under burdens crushed, it al- ways made us sad. There were pleasures in the sleigh-rides we took be- side each other. Under the robes so snug and warm, as we went to visit another ; Or went to church, or singing-school, spelling-match, or debate ; There was pleasure then within our hearts, even if we were late. 30 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS Then when we found the companion to go with us through life, And we left the shelter of the old home nest that had kept us away from strife, We found pleasure in dandling the little ones that came to bless our life. Or toss them in the air for fun, or correct them if there was strife ; And teach them as they got older, and help them to grow and expand The little talents given them, and meet life and its demands. Then as they felt their powers, and went their sep- arate way, 'Twas fine to se they realized 'twas to work, and not to play. And so we look back on life, in a careful retrospect. Marking the many pleasures and good, canceling the errors' effect. If we have been true to the precepts of right and not to that of wrong. We come to the eventide of our lives with joy, — in our hearts a song. For we know the blessed promise made in His holy Word, That if we, as all have sinned, and our hearts are truly stirred By repentance, and our life from then to the end does come. Is filled with the earnest of such, we shall hear the words, "Well done." ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 31 LAWYERS LAWYERS are the men — and some women — who are supposed to know where on the book-shelves the law is to be found (but few of them carry very- much of a load of it in their heads), and can make you think you ought to let them try and thrash the other fellow and his lawyer, at the rate of from $25 to $1000 per day, without any guaranty of success except "the liquid amber of their speech." Courts are places where young lawyers learn oratory, and older ones partizan politics, by stripping characters promiscuously, and where, as the Scriptures say, "You can come out when your money's gone." Courts are of several kinds, the lowest of which are called "justice" courts. That shows what the high- est should be called. They remind me of common people and emperors, for before the highest an ordin- ary person has no right to appear and plead his own cause, however just it may be. Going back to law- yers, v/ill say, from my personal observation, St. Peter will have a difficult job in sorting the lot, or will have to make a universal decision against them, or adjourn the most favorable cases for another hearing. Don't go to law ; never mind, never mind If your f ellowmen treat you contemptuous ; You might better by far their friendship unbind Than stir up your mind with things so tempestuous. "If they sue for your coat, let them have your cloak too," Is the Scripture, clear, plain and concise ; So if they compel you to go once — for their due You compel them to go with you twice. 32 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS IT CERTAINLY HURT IT CERTAINLY hurt when you, a barefoot boy, Was singing and a-romping morn and noon, To stub your toe on a stone or a stick, Or a bumblebee made you change your tune ; Or the old sow ate up your brand new cap You picked and sold beechnuts for; Or your Dad says, **John, you can stay at home And help me this afternoon." It certainly hurt. It certainly hurt when you got long pants, And took a girl out for a ride ; You wanted to go again, and heard her say this then, "IVe got another, John, you'd better slide." And when they'd longer grown, and into your life- room You wanted another with you to reside, You heard her laugh, and say, **Why, John, you're getting gay ; I thought you knew I was playing with your spoon." And so all through life's way you are hurt most every day. In many ways and times you least expect; And thinking of this fact, my head has almost cracked Philosophising, and it caused me to reflect. And I decided of them all, misfortunes great and small, That to us poor fellow-mortals could ever come. Would be on St. Peter's gate find this sign, "You are too late," The door is closed to you, I'm not at home. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 33 UP-TO-DATE WHOLESALING OUR mercantile houses all over this land Are supplied by wholesalers, and not from first hand; To this method of trade no one could object If their methods were fair, and did not over-collect. If a rapid growth comes, as in all other lines, Smaller firms are organized, to help make good times. This never will do, the large firms will say. And they get together, these small firms to slay. We will buy you outright (at a price that would shock). Or, we'll give you par value (if you'll take it in stock). This is our offer, take it or leave it alone — The small firms refusing, are eaten clear down to the bone. Adding insult to injury, the large firms then say, It would have been better had you come in the way That we offered ; you might have known you would fail By sticking to you)- way, and not adopting wholesale. This is a sample of business, and will fit nearly all cases, From the making of maps, rugs, mirrors, or boot- laces; Machines of all kinds, both little and big ; The raising of crops, or of cows, or the pig. You must do all things large or you're not in the race, For the small man's quite minus, the tailenders his place. As 'tis with industrials, it's the same with the nations, If you're small and weak, with rest your equations 34 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS Are minus, you've no voice with them ; you can do as they say, For if you do not, then the deuce is to pay. Of the truths I have quoted, illustrations are many, In front and behind you, are quite numerous, if any. The powerful nations think they're a law to the world, And so these small ones from their rights have been hurled. Making might their great standard, millions are put under the sod — But we wonder what results will bring forth when they take issue with God. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 35 ALF. PREFACE. Alf. is the short for Alfalfa, surnamed Littlejohn, a neighbor friend of mine, — and a good friend he has been, too, since I have lived here in Clare county, helping me through, and over, many of the hard places, while living there. Alf. is a married man with a family, while I am living temporary single, doing my own cooking, etc. But I get no sympathy from him, as he says. "I have no business to fix my- self that way." Alf. — being true to name — wears a fair crop of whiskers, while I shave clean. He is an Episcopal Methodist religiously, and a Republican politically, and thinks he's some farmer. I don't be- long to any church, claim to be independent politic- ally (Alf. says too blamed independent at times), and also claim to know the rudiments of raising crops. As we live where we can see each other's farm, you can imagine there is, at times, some good- natured criticism of each other's methods. CHAPTER I. CONUNDRUMS. ONE day Alf. came down to bring some magazines home that he had borrowed, and, after we had passed the time of day, discussed the weather condi- tions, and he had slyly criticised the size of my wood- pile, he said: ''John, on one page of this magazine of yours it is headed, 'Sense and Nonsense,' and I vum I can't make out the difference between them ; I wish you would explain the difference to me, if there is any." 36 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS "The reason you can see no difference, Alf., is your lack of discrimination. You're the same about your politics. Now, sense is where you say something, even if you don't talk much ; and nonsense is where you don't say anything, however much you talk." "I took the conundrum part better," said Alf. **Some of them were almost as good as I could make myself." "Huh!" I said, "You couldn't make a conundrum, Alf., if you had a good set of tools to do it with." "I'll show you," he says. "Why is your head like a strainer?" "Why, " I says, "that's easy. Because it helps to make things clear that passes through it." "Ha! ha!" laughed Alf., slapping his leg. "I thought I'd get a raise out of that big bump of yours this time. Ha! ha!" "Well," I says, "you seem so sure I'm *it' on this conundrum game of yours, kindly *shoot your an- swer." "Well, sir, John," he says, "the reason your head is like a strainer is the simplest thing in the world ; when either one works at all, they simply have to strain.^^ I gasped a few times, and then happening to look at the clock saw a way out, and says, "Please excuse me, Alf., it is chore time, and I must go and feed the steers. Come down again when you can't stay so long." A few days later Alf. came down to borrow my bucksaw, and after he had learned where I had lent it, and that he could take it, as I didn't want to use it, he asks, "How's conundrums today, John?" "Well," I says, "kind of wary like, pretty fair; how's yours?" ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 37 Well, I think Fve a pretty good one, if you feel equal to tackling it." "Hurry up and get it off your *gray matter,* then, before it sours and gives you the nightmare, Alf.,'' I answers. "Well, John, this one is easy. Why is woman called man's better half?" After thinking kind of careful, and not discovering any catch, I answered, "Because according to the earliest records of each, he is two ribs short." Alf. looked surprised, and said, "That's pretty good for you, John ; but that wasn't my answer. "Well,''' I says, "what's yours?" "My answer is this, John, The reason woman is called a man's better half is, she has matched up with him all over the earth and has produced all the increase." After this we got to talking about the relative merits of man and woman, Alf. claiming she was only a little bit better than man, while I claimed she was a whole lot better, naturally, educationally, and otherwise. "Well," he says, "you can claim all you wish, but you can't prove your contention." "Well, sir, Alf., I believe I can," I said. "We'll take you and your wife as an illustration. When you are called before St. Peter for your final examination for admission, you are going to have some pretty hard questions to answer, aren't you? But when your wife is called, and he asks her name, and she tells him, and he asks, 'Number, please?' and she says (thinking he is asking for the number of her children) six — two girls and four boys — he will make her his very best bow, and say, 'Madam, take that easy-springed chariot there to the right, the one with the sign, "For Mothers Only," and it will take 38 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS you where you can step into one of the choicest seats in heaven/ '' CHAPTER II. THE STARTING OF THE EUROPEAN WAR. ONE day in August, 1914, I was working near the road, when I heard an awful racket, and look- ing up I saw Alf. coming down the road in his old concord buggy, and his old mare going some, for her. I ran out, thinking — strange as it may seem — that she was running away; but when they came near, Alf. said, **Whoa!" and I saw he had been actually urging her. "John," he said, all excited like, **all hell's broke loose." "Alf.," I says, "I'm ashamed of you, a deacon in the church, using such language as that. Calm down and tell me all about it. Has Billy Sunday finally succeeded in blowing up that international roasting place ? or have they started another saloon in Harri- son and you been drinking?" "John," he says, more calmly, "all Europe has gone to war, and blood is flowing worse than it did in the old lumbering days." "Well," I says, "that does sound serious, Alf. What is the rukus about, and how did it get started?" "I didn't see anyone in Harrison who seemed to know what it was over, but as near as I could learn, a couple of Austrian aristocrats got Serbed, and their folks, who are of the class that say they are born to rule, said to the Servian government, *You must ad- mit that you ordered the job,' and when they refused they began to play rough-house with them right away. Then it seems that Russia — who had been acting as a sort of chaperon for her — began to get ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 39 iiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiitiiitiiiiiiiiiitiira ready to act as official encourager to Servia. Then Germany (who, by the way, has the greatest of born- to-rule aristocrats over them, as he claims to receive his authority direct from the Almighty), says to Russia, 'Kindly resign as official encourager to Ser- via, immediately/ And when she wouldn't, she be- gan to punish her by invading Belgium, to get to France (who is sort of official half-brother to Rus- sia), and there they are smashing away at each other, not only fit to kill, but killing each other pro- miscuously. Here's a paper that tells the whole yarn ; read it and bring it up after you get your chores done." I found Alf. had told it about as the paper did, only they used even larger headlines than he had, and he and I decided to take the paper jointly for three months (the time the paper said it would take to settle the rukus) , and when the three months were up, we renewed for six months, then signed for a w^hole year, and now we have decided to become life members, as we can see no signs of its ever stopping. A CHAPTER HI. WHAT CAUSED THE WAR. FEW weeks later Alf. came down one rainy day and we again got to talking about the war, and how it started, and Alf. allowed that if he couldn't just name the rascal who started it, said he thought he was a black-hearted, fork-tailed old scoundrel. Then we went over the whole rukus again from start to present: the murder at Serejavia, Russia's mobiliz- ing, Germany's demand on her to quit, Russia's "sit- ting tight" and beginning to take what she was get- ting, how Germany to punish Russia for her im- pertinence invaded Belgium to get to France, how 40 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS the gritty little Belgium nation said to her (when she asked to cross her grounds to play the final game of the series was France), "You had better go across your own fields to get to her grounds; our's are planted to useful crops," how the Germans com- menced mussin' her up instantly, and, when we had covered the whole ground, and tried to clear up the cause by the clarifying power of our combined intel- lects, the whole blooming business looked like a Chinese puzzle on a gigantic scale, and we finally decided we didn't know much more about it than some folks we knew who didn't take a daily paper, and who got all their information either second- handed or from signs or dreams. About a week later Alf. came down to bring my bucksaw home, as he said he didn't want to use it any more, and while talking about the latest military movements in Europe, said, "John, I've about made up my mind what caused this European rukus." "Well," I says, "that sounds encouraging, Alf.^ what is your idea?" "Simply monarching," he answers. "Monarching!" I exclaims. "How do you make that out?" "Well, sir, John, I figure it something like this. These European monarch saw the spirit of self- government growing among their own subjects, and they thought that by starting this rukus the minds of their subjects would be taken from these disquiet- ing things, patriotism toward their own countries would be fostered, and their own rule thus pro- longed." "Why, Alf.," I asks, "you don't think human be- ings would start anything as heartless as that, do you?" "Well, John, in this country where individuals be- ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 41 come full-expansioned by hard work and study — many times rising from the lowest walks in life to the highest — this would be impossible. But in Eu- rope where certain families are bom full-expan- sioned — as far as their right to rule over others, without their consent or wishes are concerned — one can believe almost anything of them, even to a de- sire of some of them for world dominion." "Alf.," I asked, ''do you think we have made a decided success of self-government ourselves?" ''Well, John, to be frank, I don't think weVe been perfection at it, but when I compare our history with the nations who have been governed by these born- to-rule aristocrats I'm not so dummed ashamed of our record, for I think we have disproved this born- to-rule idea by the lives of such men as Lincoln, Gar- field, McKinley, and others who were allowed to live and help finish that lesson. And I believe, John, when we as a people get a few of the 'beams' out of our ovv^n eyes we are going to see clear and plain the road ahead to the further advancement of right among our own people, and are going to help cast the 'mote' of ruling by might from some of the others." "Well, Alf.," I says, "you have certainly given me something to think about while feeding the steers. Come dov/n again." CHAPTER IV. HOW TO STOP THE WAR. A SHORT time after this I was up to Alf.'s one stormy day, as I had got somewhat disgusted with just myself for company, and, of course, we soon got to talking about the war, and the talk drift- ed into when it would stop, and the best way to stop 42 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS it. "I vum, Alf.," I says, ''it seems as if something could be done to stop it before they kill off all the best young men we and the other nations have, leav- ing the culls to propagate the race." ''Well, John, what can you and I do, when some of the best men in our country have tried. Now there's your man Bryan — " "Hold right on, Alf., don't you go to wishing him on to me," I said. "I only promised myself to vote for him once out of the six times he has run for Presi- dent, and then the Lord interfered." "Then there's Ford—" . "That's better, Alf., I've one of his myself, and believe me, if the sample I have is a fair one of his whole factory, he'll have the Germans on the anxious seat in short order when he turns the whole of it against them." "Seems to me you are a little mite critical of your betters today, John. How you would look, wouldn't you, on a Chatauquan stage trying to make a speech, instead of sitting in the audience where you belong? And how the machinery would look if you tried to make an automobile ! Why, you couldn't fix your old windmill when it gave out last fall. These men have tried anyhow." "So they did, Alf. But what did they accomplish? And as for comparing me with Bryan on the Chau- tauquan stage, and Ford making an automobile, will only say, that's tJieir business, mine's feeding steers at present. And further, I don't believe theirs — from results — is making peace between the warring na- tions. You say I'm critical. What v/ould you think of me if a lion, a bear, a wildcat, and a whole parcel more wild animals were fighting over in your wood- lot, scratching, biting and even trying to kill each other with their nasty, stinking breaths, and I should ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 43 go dov/n in mine, or even over in the edge of yours, and say, *Sh, sh, there, boys, there, stop, please/ ex- pecting them to obey. I think I'd hear you say, 'You old fool, why didn't you take a gun? or at least "the big stick"?'" "You seem in an ultra critical mood today, John, but I don't seem to hear you criticising President Wilson." "Why should I?" I answered. "He's our house- keeper, and I helped hire him. And I calculate he has made us a good one, for he isn't afraid to clean house if it seems necessary. As a patriotic, intelli- gent American, I think he grades A-1, and I feel this old *ship of state' of ours is fairly safe while he is guiding it. And I believe when this history that he is helping to write, is all written, his name will be honored equally with the great liberator, George Washington, the great emancipator, Abraham Lin- coln, the great 'big stick' wielder, Theodore Roose- velt ; in fact, as you express it, he is one of our f ull- expansioned ones in our presidential list." CHAPTER V. HOMESPUN PHILOSOPHY ON WEALTH. A SHORT time after this we were taking our stock to Harrison, as it was shipping day, and I hap- pened to think of an item I had read in the paper on the interesting subject that was filling its columns, about a certain "leak" that had taken place, or was said to have taken place, and I asks Alf. how long would it take you to earn $476,000. "Stop such fool questions as that," said Alf. "Even if we were placed back to Methuselah's time, I wouldn't, under the most favorable circumstances, 44 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS live long enough to earn that much. What are you driving at?" "Well," I said, "I read last night of a man (I think his name was Baruch) who made that much in six days, a short time ago. How do you suppose he made it?" "There's quite a difference between making and getting, John. I read that same article, and if you can show me where he, or anyone else, made any money in their transactions there, then I'm ready to admit these contentions of mine are wrong, but until someone does, I'm from Missouri." "According to your interpretation of making money, Alf., there must be quite a list of men in this country who have not made the wealth they possess." "Kight you are, John, that's my idea exactly. That list has been growing altogether too fast, and is now altogether too long." "But isn't there many wealthy men who have ac- cumulated large fortunes — gained them honestly?" "Yes; but where one has made his honestly, ten have made their's dishonestly." "But if they have, and are accumulating property illegally, why don't they stop it?" "Because, John, many dishonest ways are legal- ized, and until they are made illegal, law-abiding citizens are powerless to prevent these things taking place ; and many times their immense fortunes make them so powerful even their illegal acts are hard to bring home to them and punish them for." "How would you go at it to stop these wrongs being done?" "Well, John, I don't know as I've the head on my body that can make this clear, but I'll try. A little while back I said there was quite a difference be- ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 45 tween making and getting wealth, and I'll explain my ideas fully about this difference. As you know, John, I believe that all wealth that exists is the prod- uct of human effort, either physical or mental. That the natural wealth — that which God has placed on and in the earth for man's use as he needs it — is ab- solutely valueless until human effort is applied to them, and they are changed from their original form or location to one where man can utilize and enjoy them. This process is what I call making wealth. Now men come along with schemes to separate these men from all or a portion of the wealth they have honestly produced. That's what I call getting wealth. Just how to remedy the wrongs already done, I must admit looks to me well nigh impossible for man to do; I fear it will have to' be left to be adjusted by the great Adjuster of all wrongs. But to prevent these things in the future, or a large portion of them, can — I believe — be done, but it is up to these pro- ducers of wealth themselves whether these things are done or not. As they are a large majority of our citizenship, it seems to me they will be to blame themselves if they do not cause these corrections to be made. You asked how, and I'll answer. Only by united effort, along lines of right only, as these are the only ones that can consolidate the producers of the world together, and correct, on right lines, the things that need correcting. If these producers of wealth split up into petty factions, each working for betterments in their particular work only, and many times take unjust positions as related to other pro- ducers' prosperity, then the effort to correct real evils, I fear will be delayed a long time. What we need is a true cooperative spirit in these things, that takes in all, and is not concentrated selfishly to a few of which they are one of the number. When 46 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS true cooperation takes place we can select men to enact just laws, repeal unjust ones, enforce those we have, and do things that need doing, and make facts things that so far have been largely theories." "I vum, Alf., you have given me more to think of than any talk we have ever had. But here we are, and there's Chris waiting to weigh up our stock just as honestly as his conscience will allow." CHAPTER VI. ALF.'S GETHSEMANE. THE latter part of March Alf. came down, and sat around, without making any errand known, glooming and blue, scarcely answering my questions, try as hard as I could to draw him out, but without success, until at last I gave up and said : "Alf., what you need is a dose of Jad's salts, or some other good medicine you see advertised in our paper, that will cure you of anything that ails you." "Stop your levity, John," he says. "I don't see how you can joke, with our country sure to be soon engaged in this greatest war of all times, and our young men sure to have to go and help, we hardly know yet what to accomplish, many of them never to come back again." "Excuse me, Alf, old friend," I says, "I only said this to draw you out, as I saw there was something serious troubling you. It certainly does look as if there is another notch in our destiny, to be cut on history's stick, and I believe it will be a deep and honorable one. Here's hoping our part will be a large, but short one, so that the world can the sooner settle themselves to peaceful pursuits once more. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 47 and begin replacing the destruction and devastation that will take place to its end/' "Yes, John, I know we both look at this matter in the same light, but there's the boys- — " and his voice broke. "Henry said yesterday he had thought the matter all over, and, although he hated to leave the hard work all for I and Frank to do, he felt it his duty to enlist. And, of course, I took him by the hand and said, 'God bless you, my boy, for looking at this matter in the right light. Go, and wherever you are, and however hard it may be, do your full duty, and never give old dad's work another thought, as that will be taken care of some way.' Then in the afternoon, Fred came over from his place and said, *Dad, I've decided to enlist if Sue can come home to live until I return. John Bittner says he'll work the place for me and keep it up in good shape while I am gone, — and you know he is one of the best farm- ers in the country, and may be later, when I have to go, I might not be able to get as good a man to look after things.' Sure, Fred," I said, "that will be all right. Since you married Sue you have been one of my boys, and I just told Henry to go as he wished, and do his duty, and I say the same to you. Sue and the baby are as 'welcome as the flowers in May.' And I'll be mighty tickled to have that young rascal of yours to play with permanently for awhile. Fred is a fine young fellow, with fine prospects before him on that new farm of his, and I hated to think of he and Henry going ; but I got hit the hardest later when young Frank — who you know has just turned eighteen — said to me, 'Dad, I want to enlist and go with the other boys. I know you need me, but don't you think it is my duty to go? I believe by keeping more sheep and not crop as heavy as you have you can get through, don't you? I don't want to leave 48 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS you, Dad, but it just seems to me there's something calling me that way strongly/ This time I couldn't keep the moisture all out of my eyes, John, or the break all out of my voice, but I braced up and faced the situation as brave as I could, and said, 'Frank, you're a chip off the old block sure. Go? of course you can, and I'm mighty glad you can be with the others, so you can kinda look after the young kids.' Then he broke down and cried harder than he ever did when I had to touch him up a bit with the blue beech. But he soon got a grip on his feelings, and said, 'Good old Dad ! I told the boys you would say yes. Now we'll be together, and we'll make things interesting for the Germans when we run up against them, or I miss a guess or two.' " Alf . had finally got his trouble exposed to my view, but not off his mind, and commenced glooming again. "V/ell, Alf.," I said, "we'll borrow no more trouble about these things, knowing they'll come out all right. But there's a favor I want to ask of ye." ''It's granted, whatever it is, John," he answered. "What is it?" "Well," I said, kinda sheepish like, "I want to borrow a quart of milk. I licked the heifer this morning, when she stepped on my foot, and when I'm tom-fool enough to do that, she holds her milk up for forty-eight hours afterward." "Quart? I'll give ye a whole pailful if you want it. It's cheap enough at that to get ye to admit you have never been weaned. So long, John." After I'd fed the steers, I took a basin and went up after the milk. Alf .'s wife said, as I knocked at the door and made my request known, "Alf.'s at the barn milking now, John." And smiling slyly, she said, "Go right out there and get it, he has a strainer on his pail, John." ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 49 As I neared the barn I heard someone talking, and not wishing to break into any private conversation between Alf. and anyone else, I looked through a large crack in the barn door, and there was Alf. on his knees on the barn floor, with the tears streaming down his weather-beaten cheeks, and I heard this before I grasped what he was doing : *Lord, you have just got to take hold and stop this awful destruction of humanity. John and I would either one, or both, give each of our legs — " and then I sneaked away without the milk, and as I went down the road toward home, I said to myself, "John Korntossel, youVe learned something, and that is, that you are not the only friend Alf. Littlejohn has; and you're not his best one either; he never talked to you like he did to Him." After I had my chores all cleaned up, and a good fire built, I sat there by it until late, mulling the w^hole blooming business from start to present, and finally, as my fire got low, I prepared to retire. I didn't read my usual lesson from His Word, and did not even kneel or speak aloud, but from my heart I said, "Lord, you heard all of Alf .'s prayer, of which I only heard a part, and I know you'll answer it, be- cause you have said you would ; but I know you will answer it in your own way, and your ozvii good time, not his. Help us each to do Thy will in this and other trials of our lives, and if good comes from our efforts. Thou shalt have the praise, for we know only from Thee comes lasting good. Amen." 50 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS CHAPTER VII. ALF/S BOYS LEAVE TO JOIN THEIR REGIMENT. FOR the next few weeks I saw but little of Alf., as he and the boys were very busy getting the work cleaned up, that was possible to be did before they left for Texas, v/here the regiment they had enlisted in had been ordered to go sometime in April, and the exact date they were to leave had slipped from my mind, when one morning while finishing my after- breakfast chores, I saw Alf.'s team coming, and he and his wife on the front seat, and the three boys and Gus Swanz (William Swanz' eldest boy) on the other two. And as they came nearer I heard them singing; and listening to hear what it was, found it was one I had never heard, but caught these words : The Germans say the Yankees haven't any sand, To meet them in a battle, on sea or on the land ; That they haven't any spines at all, but just like jellyfish. But that they hadn't said this, we're going to make them wish. Chorus. Sand, sand, sand, the Germans say we need ; And spines, good spines to help us in our speed. But if they think the latter is what we Yankees lack. They'll have to turn us over to put one in our back. The Germans say their rule is given from above. But they discard the Golden Rule — one that all should love. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 51 We say this to their rulers, and will plant it in their brains ; We'll show them both our sand, also our justice reigns. — Chorus, As they finished, about as they drove up in front, Alf. stopped his team, and he and his wife bid me a hearty good-morning, the older boys a respectful one also, and young Frank, full of irrepressible youth, said, "Good-bye, John, we're off ! Take good care of Dad, John, and don't let him get into mischief, or get lazy this summer." And then slapping young Gus on the back, he said: **I told you he would go, John. That there was one German-American I knew was loyal to the good old Stars and Stripes, and I'll bet my brand new gun against your old musket, that we'll find a lot just as good as he is w^hen we get to Texas. So long, John." Alf. whipped up his team to cut the young upstart off, and also hide his own emotion, which I saw was getting the better of him. And then the boys again took up their song; and as they drove over the hill the last thing I heard was "Sand, sand, etc.," until it died out in the distance. I listened until the last faint refrain was heard, and then going toward the house, with my head down, said to myself, "God bless the boys. Would that they might all come back; but we know they can not, for war's rules are otherwise. Help them each to do their full duty in this great task set before them, so that those who follow them may enjoy the blessings that their sac- rifice is to bring to the world — perpetual peace to all. Amen." 52 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS REFLECTIONS ON A WINTER'S THUNDER SHOWER (March 11, 1917.) LAST night I lay me down, without the usual utter- ings, When in the night I was awoke by rain upon the roof, and thunder's mutterings; And as I lay and listened to the two, I pondered o'er these facts. That they, at this unusual time of year, reminded me of many acts Of Providence, that to our finite minds seem very hard to learn. Of blessings many, to us each bestowed, until we unto Him turn In thankfulness for all that He in His great wisdom, plain. Gives to us, — comforts, pleasures, happiness, also rigors, care, and pain. And then again, I think me, as the thunders roll and cease. It is somewhat like our own awakening, from apathy and peace. Until we see more clearly what He would have each one to do; Both when life's storms are rolling, and when the sky is blue. So let us each, when given the many things conferred. Let not rebellious thoughs within, but by thankful- ness be stirred; Whether of joy or sorrow, or hardships to be borne. Accept each one in gratitude, and not rebel and mourn. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 53 WHAT SHALL WE PLANT, AND WHY THE springtime season for our sowing has again rolled 'round, And now the careful farmer revises and completes his season's plans. What shall I plant in this? what shall I sow in that good ground? Are questions he now asks himself ; and some selects, While he some others bans. He reasons that to do his part in this our nation's great preparedness plan, His best experience and judgment must be drawn upon replete ; And he makes inventory of his acres, labor, and tools for team and man, That he can utilize ; then, what to buy to meet the season's call complete. Then he looks over his acreage, and condition of his wheat and rye. And then decides on what to plant, and what to sow, and why. The springtime of their lives to many have just come, to others nearly set; Now thoughtful ones each ask themselves, Have all my days been busy and well sown? If so, what shall I plant for future years? What shall I sow that I can garner yet? If not, what shall I sow in thoughts and actions kind, and many, to atone? Then, when the program's made, the toil again be- gins, more strenuous than that gone by. Sometimes the way is smooth ; more often rough and hard, as we the heights attain. 54 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS But when we pause a moment to rest, and breathe in- spiration from God's sky, And look ahead, and back along the way, we see that all this toil was for our gain ; Then looking over all our acts, in all our years gone by, Decide on what to plant in this the autumn of our lives, and why. Nations, like people, sometimes sow, and likewise sometimes reap The harvest of their acts, let them be good or bad, • their secret purposes intent ; What has been sown to cause this holocaust of blood and sorrow, making millions weep? And why should we, a peaceful people, to help curb the passions of our fellowmen be sent? Ours not to judge, but help to stop the awful carnage ere it is too late. Why, is His plan, zvhen, is His time, we to His holy mandate bow. Praying that in the curbing our own act shall justice be, not hate ; Hoping the time will hasten the end of every war, — and now We make an inventory of all our strength, with which we can apply. To stop this earthquake of the passions of our fellow- men, and why. In all our nation's history there has never been a time requiring all our best With greater need than now, of brain, and brawn, of courage, economy and care. Discretion, industry from day to day, forbearance, patience with all the rest ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 55 To bear what comes to us, through stormy skies and fair. We have a foe to meet, astute and brave, with years of preparation for the fray, While nearly all our thoughts have been of peace, — this right we claim is given So as to make the most we can of this our land, land of the free today. But which in jeopardy must be, while monarchs order boundaries riven. And so in consecration to the task, with all our powers, and all of our might, We go across the waves to plant our flag, emblem of freedom, justice, and the right. ^ Why is the attitude of Saginaw toward the Sag- inaw river like the U. S. toward Germany? Ans. — Because she has taken a lot of dirt from her, and thinks it is now time for a thorough cleanup with her. 56 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS TWENTIETH CENTURY EFFICIENCY MUCH has been said — not only in America, but all over the world — the last three years, about each country's various systems of efficiency. Ger- many, in the early stage of the great European war, had much to say about her's, and also what she termed her "Kultur,** and one member of the Reich- tag said openly, **the time had come when it should dominate the world." (This, I take it, was her ex- cuse for trying to force it upon the world.) Later, when the United States entered into the struggle and made the issue clean-cut and clear, as a fight betv/een Autocracy and its methods, and Democracy and its methods, Germany said through her statesmen and her press, **they claimed the right to regulate their own internal affairs, and say without interference from any outside nation, what form of government should be theirs." If only her own people were af- fected by the form of government that controlled their destinies and desires, and her people acquiesced freely in the present autocratic control, then her ground would be well taken, and we could only rightfully fight the issue out with her on the grounds of wanton aggression, broken faith, and violation of international rights, punishing her, if possible, and compelling her to make restitution for the wanton destruction of lives and property of our citizens ; or, accept defeat at her hands, becoming another illus- tration that * 'might makes right." We who have never studied her language, nor set foot on her soil, can only analyze Germany's govern- mental efficiency by what we read, hear, and see from afar. No thinking person who has followed the progress of the war, can not help but admit that Germany has shown to the world the most efficient ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 57 military machine that has ever existed. And if the results and effects of this machine is an example of the character of the efficiency of the German govern- ment — which v^e believe it is, — then v^e have good grounds for claiming that that autocratic govern- ment is a menace to human rights and liberty, and is destructive, cruel and heartless in all its workings, and a foe to be exterminated, else human liberty and social equality again is to become a dream of vision- aries, as autocrats have always designated such be- lievers. Efficient Germany has been and still is. Her scholars have added to the world the product of their thought and reasonings. Her scientists have added to the world the results of years of careful research. Her musicians and her artists have done their share to please the ears and delight the eyes of the world. All these things for the world's good. Then comes this dragon of military power, in all its awful hideousness — the product of this autocratic government, and launched by it — to destroy the good things the world has produced. Efficient? Yes, efficient Germany is, in destroying cities, fields and peoples of weaker nations, and taking the lives of non-combatants wantonly; efficient in intrigues, de- ception, and a spy system, that in its scope was to take in and help conquer the whole world ; efficient in what she terms "diplomacy," that linked her hands with Mahommedan Turkey and acquiesced in the wholesale destruction of Christian Armenians; efficient in spreading her propaganda of deception in every nation opposing her methods; in the re- iteration of the blasphemous utterances of the head of that government, "that God has been with them in all their efforts." When we compare the efficiency of this assassin of human rights with that of our own government, that from its earliest inception to the 58 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS present, has put right in the forefront of all our national efforts, we feel better satisfied with our "inefficiency,'* our "spinelessness," our "dollar wor- shiping," and some of the other things this "God- given" (?) autocratic aggregation have attributed to us as a people, feeling that when the final com- parisons and adjustments are made, our nation's emblem, the grand old Stars and Stripes, will not only stand for human liberty within our borders, but for "the brotherhood of man" all over the world. For— 'Tis the last great struggle between war and peace. Elimination of the false idea, that so far in world's history has held a place supreme, that might makes right, and, when o'erpowered by the for- mer, the latter has to cease. Discarding another false idea, that some are born to rule their f ellowmen, Regardless of their wishes, or their rights, or those of others; Rulers forgetting in their "God-given" (?) com- placency That these same ones are brothers. Why should we in this great holocaust have a part to take? That is not for us to say, a higher power has spoken. And spoken with plain sounds; The only thing for us to do is meet the issue, as it were, on its own grounds; And m.eet it like the men we are, with all our strength and might. For these our friends and brothers ; For if we don't, our stewardship of liberty and right May be declared all vain, and given unto others. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 59 THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER As interpreted by Emperor William of Germany. ^^TTHE world is my oyster," is a pure Yankee 1 phrase, That used to be quoted — but not much these days; The one who first used it I don't think is known — It might have been he who said, 'T\\ go it alone." The meaning, I take it, is, I'll open it neatly. And show up its contents, perhaps use them com- pletely; Just how, or why, was not explained to the letter, *'The world is my oyster," so I don't think I'd better. Advice to the Emperor to read and profit by history. Alexander the Great was a warrior, effective and bold. And the above phrase believed, and thought he did hold In his hands the power to open it all. For himself and his minions, the great and the small. Napoleon, too, had the same dream of world-power — 'Tis said, he, when small, watched spiders spin webs by the hour. From rock-ribbed St. Helena he had time to reflect. Thinking how things terminate different than we often expect. Facts for all to think of. The real oyster opener, methinks, is the one That reads in world's resources what can be done For all, from the powers that from many are hid. Until nature's students, to come forth, do they bid. 60 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS IIIIIIIIIIIIIUIJIIIIIII The printing press, steam engine, telegraph, and the 'phone. And other great wonders, that in all lines have been done. The teachings of truth, "We are born free and equal," Will be the meat of the emperor's oyster — his sequel. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 61 BACHELOR^S WASHING AND IRONING DAY IT'S washing day, I'm at the tub — or will be soon, I mean ; Men's clothes are very hard to rub, — that is, if they look clean After you get them on the line, or dried and brought into the house ; So I shall rub them for a time, my towels, shirts, my socks, and blouse, And sundry other things I own, to use inside and out the door. So if while rubbing, dirt is shown, I'll simply grit my teeth, and rub some more. After my clothes are dry, I bring them in the house And look them o'er to see if everything is there, My towels, socks and shirts, bedclothes, handker- chiefs, and blouse; Then when I find them right, I hang them 'round the fire to air. When then my needs arise to use them each, alack ! I take the wrinkles out across a board, or iron them on my back. 62 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS MAKING MORE DAYLIGHT a lOHN," said my wife, one evening in May, 1917, J as she looked up from the paper she was read- ing, while I sat smoking my old corncob pipe by the kitchen stove, "this ^making more daylight' plan seems to be taking people by storm. It must be a great plan to help out in this our nation's time of need." "I vum, Jerusha, I'm sorry I ever married ye if you haven't any more sense than to be took in by that tom-fool idea," I said. "Why a twelve-year-old child, or a person half-baked, ought to know better than to think — " "Hold right up, John Korntossel," said she, "you have gone far enough with your derogatory personal allusions. If you aren't satisfied with the quality of my thoughts and cooking, you can get both where they suit you better." "I beg your pardon, Jerusha," says I, thinking of what a dum good cook she was, and how accustomed my stomach had got to be to the same, and knowing when the danger signals began to fly so fast and furi- ous it was time to qualify or there would be storm in our sky, and I knew from past experience who got cleared out when such came, for it had long been an undisputed fact for a long time, that she held the undisputed title in our family of being the better half in fact as well as name. I simply let my dis- gust at the foolishness of the idea roil me over. "Of course, you don't believe in such a nonsensical plan, any more than I do." "Well, now, John," says she, somewhat mollified, but still hostile, "I don't know but what this idea is a good one. Here are the names of some of our most ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 63 prominent citizens indorsing the plan, and urging its adoption." ^'Prominent citizens!" I snorted. "I don't care if the President himself indorsed the plan; the plan would still be foolish. Why, wife, how would turn- ing the clocks ahead one hour make one minute more time in the twenty-four hours in each day, or in the daylight that nature provides in the division of that twenty-four hours?" "But, John, you have been talking all along that you believed the task of feeding the people of the world the coming year was a great one requiring the best efforts of everyone." "Yes," I said, "I have, and still think so ; but turn- ing clocks ahead won't do it. What the people of this and all other countries should realize is, this world needs at the present, and for a long time to come, the very best effort of every one every minute of their timxe, in the avocation they now occupy, and if not needed in that, taking hold somewhere else, but doing their best wherever they are." "But, John, wouldn't that disarrange the present order of things? For instance, the hours fixed by the labor unions for their members to work, etc." "Suppose it would, " I answered. "If they aren't patriotic enough to stand a little disarrangement, let them pay $15.00 per barrel for flour, $8.00 per bushel for beans, $2.00 per bushel for potatoes, and every- thing else accordingly. It'll serve 'em right. How many hours do we and others put in raising them? Twelve, at least, and just as hard as their's, and if they can't change their eight-hour schedule to meet the existing conditions and help increase the output of the products of our country, why, I say, let 'em stick to their hard and fast rules and pay accord- ingly. There is neighbor Cooper, up at four o'clock 64 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS every morning, and hard at it until dark, working hard every minute — even at the table. Why shouldn't he have just as good pay for every hour of his time as they for their's?" ''But, John, their's is skilled labor." *'So is a farmer's. Let some of these skilled labor fellers try it, and nine out of ten would make a fail- ure of it.'' "Well, John, how would you fix things so as to in- crease production?" "Well, wife, as we were talking of labor unions last, I'll take them first. If I was a member I would offer a resolution suspending all rules curtailing the time for members to work daily, and allowing each to work at other work, if their own was not sufficient to keep them busy, until after this war was over. In fact, I'd make the world the field for their efforts, let them be physical or mental ; and their ability to stand the strain, the hour limit. Second, I'd have the chil- dren taught that every minute was precious, and not to be wasted. That even their playtime was a prep- aration for future usefulness. Third, I would ask these making-more-daylight advocates to set an ex- ample by staying home nights, getting up early, and taking right hold themselves and doing some of the things they advocate, and I'll bet four cents there would be a stir in the field of industry long to be re- membered." # ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 65 ODE DESCRIBING MY ROOMS IN CLARE COUNTY, MICHIGAN DEAR Sister, I promised to write you a letter Describing my rooms, so I thought I had better Reel it off here tonight, if I don't, in a doze, Get the thing all mixed up ; so here's how it goes. It's a humly old room, and there's humly things in it: Which you wouldn't doubt for half a minute If you saw it, or heard it, or heard as I do ; I'll picture it now, and I'll picture it true. It's ten feet in wudth, and thirty feet long ; The plaster in places is pretty well gone ; It's sides and it's ends are covered with pictures. That sometimes make me smile, as well as the fix- tures. There's a border around it, called **Bringing up Fa- ther," And scattered around is one thing or another ; The bottom is called an old maple floor, That slopes to the south three inches or more. There's a stove at each end — one heater, one cooker — And neither of them a very good looker. The table's between, and a little one side, That's where I eats pancakes, to fill out my hide. 66 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS The roof it slopes up, and the floor, as I spoke ; My fuel is plenty, old pine roots and oak ; But it's no joke to cut it when the old axe is dull ; And when alone, the old grindstone won't turn at all. My stoves they both leak when the stove-pipe gets clogged ; Then the air in the room, with temper and smoke gets befogged ; The smoke mixed with dirt makes a very good paint, But not for my temper, because I'm no saint. The bedroom lies next this, and is ten feet by ten ; With bottom and top, the same's the other, and then This room is not as warm, the walls have no pictures. But hung 'round with clothes, there's a bed for the fixtures. The north side is covered with paper, unrolled. Which keeps out the light, and part of the cold. There's a humly old bedstead, and humly old covers — But the way I stick to them, you'd think we were lovers. Now, Ida, I've pictured it true, just as true as I could. And I want you and Will to come up, if you would ; Don't come alone, but bring Metta and Rob, And Mother, and Frank, and I don't care if a dog. And we'll have a good time a-visitin' and chattin' ; We boys'll smoke, while you girls knit your tattin'. You girls can sleep in the house — there's plenty of floors — And we boys in the barn — unless Wilbur snores. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 67 It's a humly old room, and there's humly things in it ; Which you wouldn't doubt for half of a minute. The latch-string is out; there's no lock on the door; Come up and see it, and then come some more. There's a much smaller room, it is six feet by two. That I must soon occupy, if my feelings are true ; If this were the end of all, what would be the use livin'? Of struggling, and all of your heart-throbs a-givin' ? I will sleep here, at rest from life's care and toil. Until the last trump, which won't seem no time at all ; But I read in His Word there's a much brighter room, And His latch-string is out. He invites all to come. Matt. 11:28; 16:27; 18:14; 24:46, 47; John 14:2, 3 ; Rev. 21:2, 3, 4; 22:14. fl Why is the attitude of Germany toward San Fran- cisco like the suitor of a girl with a rich father? Ans. — Because he admires her, and because her dad has the Golden Gate, he wants her for his own. ^ What is Uncle Sam's toward Germany? Ans. — He is simply going to kick him out that gate when he comes after her. 68 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS COMMON SENSE COMMON, or horse sense, is one of the rarest things on earth, on account of its requiring the best of soil and culture to raise it. (This is no slur against the common people of Germany.) It is more common among common people than among the elite, on account of the aforesaid soil and culture, and the fact that the glare of high society many times scorches the life out of it, — as it does many other good things. To raise a good crop of common sense, good seed should be used, and planted early, so as to have the full season to mature in. As soon as the first sprouts appear, the culturing should begin. (Sometimes sprouts are used in the culturing.) Some kinds of pride will kill out the best stand of common sense in existence, viz. : Pride in belonging to the aforesaid high society, the glare of whose spot- light is almost sure to be fatal. People in high so- ciety are not to be blamed — only for getting there — for once there, their association and surroundings are all against it. Pride in thinking that because you belong to some popular secret order, or church, makes you a better man or woman than living a sim- ple life of integrity and honor. Pride in dressing better than your means will allow, or cutting a big swath in any way beyond your circumstances. There are other kinds of pride that helps the crop, viz. : Pride in the fact you were born just where you were, when you were, and of the honest humble parents you were, and never being ashamed of them on ac- count of their poverty, avocation, or looks. Pride in the fact you had to live just as you did — even if at the time it sometimes ground to do the living that way. Pride in your country, the good old U. S. A., that has enabled you to live your life as God intended ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 69 you should, unhampered by the orders of emperors or kings, or any of their underlings, who never have or will earn the pensions given them. Pride in your flag, the grand old Stars and Stripes, that represents the very height of liberty — that giving every citizen equal rights; the very depth of national charity — that takes in all the v^orld ; the very breadth of love and hope — that which looks upon the people of other nations, not as foes to be conquered, but as brothers to be helped to enjoy the same blessings we en j oy — self-government. 70 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS POTATOES ARENT EASY TO RAISE OF THE crops of fine vegetables the farmer now raises, To help feed the people, the "spud" is the king; The Irish, believing in "home rule,'' still praises It's royal old qualities, that happiness brings To his home, when the bin in his cellar is filled With smooth, sand-grown tubers, — of course, it's unusual — So that he from the grocer does not have to have billed This succulent tuber, by the peck or half bushel. To raise this fine tuber is a different question Than filling the bin when your pocketbook's snug; Requiring the best of soil, seed, hard work and atten- tion, From the time they are planted until they are dug. Of tillage, most often and thorough must be given ; Destruction of beetles, both hard-shells and slugs ; The scab, and the blight, must by mixtures be driven. Or they will destroy them, as well as the bugs. Now I come to a part of the verse in my rhyming, That perhaps to the buyer will strike a harsh chord ; I assert that to raise and to dig them takes priming Of will and of muscle, so you each should afford To pay to the grower all his efforts should warrant, At wages as high as the best in the land ; For 'tween heat and the bugs, and labor most arrant, Potatoes aren't easy to raise, even in sand. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 71 Oats, wheat, corn, and rye, all are bringing high prices, Because they are staples, and great the demand : Why shouldn't the "spud" also have its fair rises In price? As it constantly needs to be kept upon hand. So, buyers, take heed, and be fair to the grower, Remember their labor through the hot summer days; Kindly pay them a dollar, — don't try to buy lower — For, even in sand, potatoes aren't easy to raise. 72 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS SUNDAYS SUNDAY is the name of a day of the week on which common people are supposed to rest, and street car companies, moving picture shows, gasoline stations, and some other places do their largest busi- ness. If you belong to the first-mentioned, and own an automobile or a dog and gun, you are supposed to be exempt. It was originally — when days went by number — number seven; but somehow, by the progress of time, and measuring the same, became number one. We guess on account of its quality. There is another kind of Sunday — a man — the Reverend William, who was once a ball-player, and is said to have made some home runs, but who is now engaged in the more strenuous game of helping chase the Devil off the earth. He uses his voice in this game more strenuously than he did his legs in the other. He is the only preacher I have ever read of who has to have his throat massaged after his ser- mons, and when I read some of them I don't wonder he has to have something done for it. I would sug- gest, as a change, bandages soaked in sweet oil, or pouring cold water on some of his language. In our fight to help our fellow-topers on the water-wagon here in Michigan, in the fall of 1916, he is said to have done considerable to help us adopt the plan of abolishing those spawning-places of the devil — the saloons; and for such service we are willing to for- give his teachers for some of his language lessons. During this campaign he closed his sermon on "Booze,'' at Flint, by saying, *'Give 'em h — 1, boys, next Tuesday!" (Nov. 7th). And when I read the result of the election I realized his hearers had read or heard another passage of Scripture, where it says : "Give full measure, pressed down and running over." ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 73 Although an entire stranger to the Rev. William, I believe if I had then met him, I should have chanced slapping him on the back and saying, "We did. Bill, v^^e did !/' There is another kind, spelled "sundse." It is used principally by young men to treat their best girls to, or some other fellow's if he can catch him off his guard. This kind is very mild compared to the others, but is very effective in the preliminary skir- mishing that precedes matrimony, but which is usu- ally entirely discarded after this takes place. i/T^ 74 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS OUT THE WAY OUT the way ! cried the urchin on the slide, As on his sled he started down the hill to glide ; Coasters all gave the usual course — that did not him satisfy, But in the crowd he steered his sled and raised a fearful cry. Several champions of their rights did then at once appear, And when subdued, bedraggled he, their champions they did cheer. Crest-fallen, clothes torn, he homeward went his way. Deciding, in the future, only fair was best to play. Out the way ! a young man said, as in business he to fill. He started in the shekels all, to gather in his till ; A veteran said. The upstart I'll now take into my hand, Show him his place; see whether he is filled with wind or sand. Sorry he had started all to explioit in business, for alas! The young man "a cropper" to the veteran did pass; And when it all was over but the shouting, he did say, A fair game in the future is the only one I'll play. Out the way! the "road-hog" cried, back from the car ahead. Into one where seven grips he'd left, piled in and overhead, And found it occupied by a young man and his wife. Excuse me for the slang, sir; but I say, **Not on your life." ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 75 The brawny "roadhog" then reached o'er, the other to eject, But found an athlete waiting — something he did not expect; And when with limping gait, he retired with grips and all, Decided, in the future, one seat for him was none too small. Out the way! the worldhog Kaiser cried, as he the button pressed. And launched his hurricane of military might — such as no one had guessed ; Thinking that its momentum, and the terror he would spread. Would soon entrench him as world-ruler. But gladly be it said, He underestimated the courage of the little Belgian nation. Who, be it truly said, tho* small, could fight like all tarnation ; And did, until the powers could their strength against him be arrayed. And by they, and our Uncle Sam, will thoroughly be flayed. w 76 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS SAND THE Germans say the Yankees haven't any sand, To meet them in a battle on sea or on the land ; That they haven't any spines at all, but just like jelly- fish, But that they hadn't said this, we're going to make them wish. Chorus. Sand, sand, sand, the Germans say we need ; And spines, good spines to help us in our speed ; But if they think the latter is what the Yankees lack, They'll have to overturn us to put one in our back. The Hohenzollerns think they are rulers from above. But disregard the Golden Rule, the one we Yankees love. So we have got to make them common for awhile, And work along with common folks, and see if they can smile. — Chorus. We haven't any grudge against the German rank and file. Except a sticking to, and keeping up, such a rotten pile As this here Hohenzollern fad, and all it means to them. Instead of putting skids under 'em., and making 'em common men. — Chorus. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 77 So we have got to demonstrate, to these our fellow- men, It's neither sand or spines we lack, while running right toward them ; And then when we have caught them they'll find, to their surprise. It isn't hate but love for right a-shining in our eyes. — Chorus. 78 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS ROASTING MARSHMALLOWS GATHERED around the fireside, while outside 'tis cold and clear, We laugh and chat in comfort, and roast these daint- ies here ; With needles and sticks we impale them, and roast to a rusty brown, Marshmallow roasting in winter time is the most charming game in town. Father, mother, and cousins, sisters, and brother, too. All enjoy this sweetest of games, — socially we are true. You can talk of your shows, your dances gay, that occur all over town. But the marshmallow game is good enough, if you roast until they're brown. H^Jirfe^ ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 79 SELF-PRESERVATION THAT ''Self-preservation is the first law of nature," is a saying as nearly as "old as the hills." And has been demonstrated so many times it is almost universally believed. Using this as a basis for our reasoning, we go back in our imagination to the age when prehistoric man occupied the surface of the earth, and derived his sustenance therefrom. The Troglodite, no doubt, had his problems, the same as we have ours today. And one of his, undoubtedly, was the providing food, shelter and such clothing as seemed necessary for himself and family. Thus far our problems are the same as his were then. From our viewpoint, his must have been a large one, handi- capped as he must have been by the lack of the many aids we now possess, in the solution of that problem for ourselves. When he, with his "big stick," went out with it to secure his breakfast, dinner, or supper, as the case might be, his caution must be of the great- est, that he scare not the game he must kill with his primitive weapon ; his skill and cunning must be ex- ercised to their fullest, until his blow falls, sure and deadly, and he reaps from the same, necessary sus- tenance and comfort for he and his. If a tiller of the soil, his methods must have been of the crudest, and the returns small, for the labor applied to secure returns from the same. His life must have been simple indeed, and, therefore, his necessities very limited also. But what they were must have required hard toil or patient vigil to se- cure. I can imagine that as he learned by experience and practice to secure these results more easily, the jealousy and envy of his brother cave-dweller was many times aroused and arrayed against him. Then came the combat for supremacy and domination be- 80 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS tween the two; and then, when the contest was de- cided, methinks the defeated one, if surviving, re- sorted to diplomacy, securing the aid of some friend to help him regain his own, and when regained, levied tribute or vengeance against his former con- queror. Thus society must have been formed and gradually developed, until nations were born, and the contests between peoples involved vast numbers of individuals, citizens of the nations in conflict. History then takes up the record of these conflicts, and from it we are enabled to knov/ some of the issues that caused these clashes of strength. And nearly all these can be traced to two or three causes. Clear to me, as the main cause of conflict, is the desire to secure for themselves the product of the other man's efforts, making his own life easier and more pleasure- able, and therefore (as he reasons wrongly), a con- dition to be desired. Second, the lust for power that seems to be born in humanity, falsely thinking that if they can hold a commanding position over their fellows they v/ili be thought more of and, therefore, be happier. Third, the struggle to regain or preserve their heaven-born liberties and rights that they have been deprived of. This last being the only justifiable grounds for deadly warfare; as usually that is the only way they can be regained, and then should only be entered upon as a last resort. The first was, for many centuries, only gained by physical strife, and was usually waged by nations one against the other, the rulers of the conquering powers parceling out the benefits of such conquests to their subjects as they saw fit, reserving to them- selves the **lion's share" of the benefits derived. As the world advanced in civilization ( ? ) men saw they did not have to go to war to secure these advantages. That by controlling a certain product in universal ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 81 demand, they could levy their tribute legally and hold a more powerful position than if they secured wealth and position by conquest. That they could levy this form of tribute upon citizens of their coun- try, many times against their own friends and neigh- bors. To show that either way is wrong, I make the following abstract analysis of my theorem. Going back to man in his original, primitive condition, he could acquire but little wealth, as there was but little in the world at that time, for in its original location or position it could not be utilized by him, and was therefore valueless. But by his applied ideas and ef- forts, the things God gave for man's use were, by his efforts, made of value (that is, useful). That ac- cumulation of value — made by human effort — has reached a volume that is so stupendous — in fact al- most beyond the comprehension of man — that any slight deflection of this form of tribute is so little felt that individuals affected by these evils make no pro- test, until they have assumed volume and power so great it is forced upon them, and they find their strength so great it is next to impossible to stop them. We have unquestionably reached the stage of this concentration of v/ealth, that self-preservation makes it imperative for a quick solution of the problem, in some lines, or an actual loss of human life will be the result. No law-abiding citizen but what insists that this solution shall be absolutely legal in every way — any other being not only obnoxious to him, but even dangerous to himself and others. I have in mind in this contention that I make, that the fuel problem is at present the foremost and most acute one there is before the American people today. Who is there who can for an instant believe that the coal barons have made the wealth they control? That they are 82 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS exercising their "stewardship" over this necessity of life that will stand the searchlight of justice, hon- esty, and right? Are the present conditions to go on to the point that human beings will lose their lives, helpless in the grasp of a situation they have not made themselves, and powerless to change, as long as handled by private ownership, for their aggrand- izement, as far as will be allowed, with no seeming limit to their avarice and mercy? These are ques- tions that must be settled quickly, and rightly, in the near future, or the lives of many, here in our own fair land, will be upon our own heads, for we have been given the stewardship of freedom and right ourselves, and if we make no effort to change the present conditions, and change them permanently, then, methinks, that stewardship will be considered a mockery and taken from us. Our present relations with Germany would prob- ably come under heads two and three, for we as a nation have taken the position that her governmental lust for power, so clearly shown forth in this struggle, must be destroyed, or we shall be unable to preserve those liberties that were bought by the blood of our forefathers, and bequeathed to us as a heritage from them, to be fostered and protected even with our lives. Usurpation of our natural rights — as stated in the foregoing arraignment of the coal operators, and inferred against others — have not reached the point in our land but that correction can be made by the enforcement of just laws, the repeal of unjust ones, and the further enactment of necessary ones, based on the only principle that can correct — that of right to all. But the present menace to our liber- ties from German autocracy is upon us now to be crushed by our might, — the same as her's has been arraigned against us, and we believe is being ably ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 83 conducted by our present administration. The Ger- man government has impugned all our assertions as to integrity of purposes and motives. Has rode rough-shod over every principle of right, mercy and justice, and must be conquered — and not only her great military menace, but others — forever chained or destroyed, or else we can but little hope of cor- recting the great evils that exist today in every na- tion on which the sun shines, and which must be set- tled — and that rightly, and without bloodshed — so that we can go forward to the complete fulfillment of our nation's destiny, or else our boasted champion- ship of liberty and right will be a farce and we can only pray. Oh, Lord, come quickly. 84 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS iiiiiiriiiiii STRIKE, SONS OF COLUMBIA SON of Columbia, you have given yourself For your country, the world and your brothers, 'Tis for freedom, not self, not for conquest or pelf, Thy might is arraigned, to right wrongs done to others. Chorus. Strike ! Sons of Columbia, strike ! but thy flag never. With all of your resources, ev'ry one ev'ry hour, Show the foe we are patriots now and forever ; Strike hard and strike deep, show the world now thy power. Sons of Columbia, your brothers' blows do abate. Go quick to avenge friends beneath the dark waves. As your offer is great, your return we await, To honor your conduct, to shed tears over graves. Chorus. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 85 WHAT^S IN A NAME? WHAT'S in a name ? First, letters ; Arranged to tell one from their equals, inferi- ors, or betters : To tell things apart; to help explain their creation; Regulate families, society, state, or a nation. The reasons for nam^es as they are is obscure ; Why don't they say catfish when describing a Boor? Or call a hen a cow, or a haystack a rat? A dog a stone-boat? or a crawfish a cat? Then why is one man Johnson and another O'Toole? One Garibaldi, one Pat Murphy and another one Brule? Why is one man a "genius, another a "knave" ? Why is one a "free man" and another a "slave"? These are questions we ask. You may ask, What's the use? A man's a man for all that, and a gander's a goose ; But this poem is writ to help answer the question Of "What's in a name?" so we make this suggestion. One thing in a name is fame, or a record of deeds ; This takes a lifetime to write if the first one succeeds To establish, of the latter, both evil and good are put down, And both can be written in the country or town. What is fame is to each as his viewpoint of life. Some selects for his one thing, as he selects his wife ; Each living his life, as his purposes show. Some for the hereafter, some for all here below. 86 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS This then's in a name, both evil and good, Written each day, and by Him understood ; Even our thoughts are on record, 'tis said in His Word. May your record be clean, not one blot on it blurred. That your lives may be clean, your friendships be many. Full measures of joy, little of sorrov/s, if any; Helpfulness, cheerfulness, faithfulness, love, We hope is recorded for your credit above. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 87 TRUE CONSERVATION OUR fuel and food administration Have had lots of advice from this one and that, About how they should do to secure conservation ; Like promiscuous advice, some is good and some flat. Poor advice can easily be thrown in the discard, And good, if any, be taken for what it is worth. I present to "ye powers" these thoughts without re- gard. As an offer of "my bit" to help keep us on the earth. Necessity, they say, is the mother of inventions. And has helped move the world ahead more than once; Is this now the fact? or just world's conventions To be filled? Admitting the first, I may be a dunce. True economy is in spending our money wisely, For hoarding it surely can do no one good. This fact is no new one, so our leaders concisely Said it should be followed in the usage of food. Our soldiers are fed on the best — as they should — To make them all strong and give them the nerve. So why not the industrial army have food Just as nourishing, and plenty to help them con- serve? 88 ALF. AND OTHER THINGS Deficients, cripples, and old men are left here at home. But are asked to feed themselves, the soldiers and others. "Food will win the war," you will find where you roam, They ask us to conserve it at home and give to our brothers. Waste is a sin in such times as we have now. Item one in true conservation is to stop all of that. Let rich and poor buy only what they need, I avow, And if they're caught wasting, go without — and that's flat. Item two in our plan is use all of our strength To further production, and swell the world's need- ed supply. And to do this, good food on the table at length Is a necessary factor, so to curtail it, don't try. The third thing we suggest is, make everyone work If they're able — applying to rich, poor and cul- tured alike ; Don't save the "soft jobs" for the rich or those who do shirk. But give those to the cripples, and females, and make the rest "hike." We have mentioned food problems, and now will take fuel. Civilians and soldiers must be warmed as well as fed. We have shivered this winter, and lived upon gruel ; Shoveled snow for warmth, lived on "conserva- tion" until we're near dead. ALF. AND OTHER THINGS 89 If private concerns, with all of their resources, Will not plan to provide the public with warm hearth, We would change the conditions — own the mines, carrier courses; Put in practice true conservation; conserve to all this part of the earth. And so, Mr. Garfield, Mr. Hoover and all, We give these suggestions for what they are worth. Let your staff consider the great and the small. That civilians as well as soldiers must be kept upon earth. ^ Integrity is humanity's largest asset, for without it any soul is indeed bankrupt. <4^. ^ Many souls are so dead already we doubt the resurrection awakening them without especial effort. CI The Scriptural saying, ''Now we see as through a glass darkly, then we shall know as face to face," can be applied to the coal situation of the United States two years ago and this present winter of 1918. FINIS. TRUE AMERICANISM Patriotic Play CHARACTERS. John Korntossel — Farmer, in typical farmer's garb. Jerusha Korntossel — John's wife, in typical house- wife's garb. Frank Korntossel — Their son, in khaki. Kate Korntossel — Their daughter, in either Red Cross or nurse's uniform. Alf Littlejohn — A farmer friend of John's, also in farmer's garb. Susan Littlejohn — Alf's wife, in housewife's garb. Henry Littlejohn — Their son, in khaki.. Ruth Littlejohn — Their daughter, in either Red Cross or nurse's uniform. Act I — Conundrums and Farm Philosophy. SCENE FIRST. — Kitchen at the home of John and Jerusha Korntossel. John reading the newspaper ; Jerusha knitting, and Frank and Kate playing checkers. A knock at the door. John goes to answer it. Admits and greets his neighbor Alf. John — Good evening, Alf. Come right in. Take a chair, and help yourself to the apples and cider. Alf — Good evening, John. Fine weather. Good evening Jurusha; I see you're at Red Cross work. same as Susan. Good evening, young folks; I see there's a battle on; who's the champion? Jerusha — Good evening, Alf. Hov^ is Susan? Yes, I'm trying to do "my bit" the same as the rest, and v^ish it could be a bigger one, too. Frank — Good evening, Alf; Kate thinks she's some checker-player sometimes. What's Henry driv- ing at? Wish he and Ruth had come v^ith you. Kate — Good evening. Uncle Alf. Frank says he wished Henry and Ruth had come with you. You want to watch out or you'll lose Ruth some day. Frank's got his eye on her. Frank — I ain't the only one making eyes, Uncle Alf. Watch Kate. Alf — I brought your magazines home, John (hand- ing them to him and selecting an apple and peeling it). John — How did you like 'em, Alf? Alf — Fine! they're great! One page, headed "Sense and Nonsense," made me laugh fit to kill ; but I couldn't see any difference in 'em. John — Your lack of discrimination, Alf; you're the same about your politics. (In an aside to the audience:) He's a socialist. Alf — Well, what is the difference? John — V/hy, sense is where you say something, even if you don't talk much ; and nonsense is where you don't say anything, however much you talk. Alf — The conundrum part I took to better; some of 'em was pretty near as good as I could make my- self. John — Huh! You couldn't make a conundrum, Alf, if you had a good set of tools to do it with. Alf — I'll show you. Why is your head like a strainer? John — That's easy. Because it helps to make things clear that passes through it. Alf — Ha! ha! (slapping his leg) I thought I'd get a raise out of that big bump of yours this time, Ha! ha! John — You seem so sure I'm **it" on this conun- drum game of yours, Alf, kindly shoot your answer. Alf — Well, sir, the reason your head is like a strainer is the simplest thing in the world. When either one works at all, they simply have to strain. John sits gasping and rubbing his chin in extreme uneasiness and embarrassment; then picks up the newspaper and glances therein. Kate — There! I beat you fair that time, Frank Korntossel. You see, kings do amount to something sometimes, don't you? John — How long would it take you to make $476,000, Alf? Alf — Stop such fool questions, John. If we were placed back to Methuselah's time, a farmer wouldn't live long enough to make that amount. What are you driving at? John — I just read as you came, of a banker by the name of Baruch, who made that much in six days. How do you suppose he made it? Alf — There's a quite a difference between making and getting wealth. This man might have got that amount in that time ; some men in this country get even more than that in six days. John — You say. There's quite a difference between making and getting. What do you call making wealth, Alf? Alf — My idea is simply this: All wealth is the product of human effort, either physical or mental. That the natural resources — those God placed on and in the earth for man's use — are valueless until human effort is applied to them and they are changed from their original form or location, to one where man can utilize and enjoy them. This process I call making wealth. John — According to your interpretation of making money there must be quite a list of men in this coun- try who have not made the wealth they possess. Alf — Right you are, John. That list has been growing altogether too fast, and is now altogether too long. John — Well, what do you call getting wealth? Alf — Possessing it, regardless of whether one has earned it or not. John— This part of your doctrine sounds reason- able, but I don't believe in this dividing up business. Alf — Neither do I. I only want what belongs to me, and want others to have just what belongs to them. That's why I believe in licking the Germans thoroughly. Kate — Hold on there, Frank Korntossel; it's my move. There; I've got another king. Crown him. Frank — H'm. You ain't like Dad, Kate ; he don't believe in kings. Alf — Well, I must be going. But can't the young folks sing something? Jerusha — Yes. Children, sing that song you bought yesterday, Frank. They sing, "Strike, Sons of Columbia," with ac- companiment. For encore, "We are Sons of Old Columbia," all marching, with Jerusha out of step. (This can be varied by some humorous burlesque as all leave the stage.) SCENE TWO. — Same place and setting as in Scene 1. Jerusha reading the paper and John smoking a corn-cob pipe. Frank and Kate still playing checkers. Jerusha — John, this "making more daylight" plan seems to be taking people by storm. It must be a great plan to help out in this our nation's time of need. John — I vum, Jerusha, Vm sorry I ever married ye, if ye haven't any more sense than to be took in by that tom-fool idea. Why a twelve-year-old child or a person half-baked ought to know better than to think — Jerusha — Hold right up, John Korntossel, you have gone far enough with your derogatory personal allusions; if you ain't satisfied with the quality of my thoughts and cooking, you can get both where they suit you better. John — I vum, Jerusha, you're getting up on your high bosses again, ain't ye? But I beg your pardon, I didn't mean anything agin you; I simply let my dis- gust at the foolishness of the idea roil me over. Of course, you don't believe in such a nonsensical plan any more than I do. Jerusha — Well, now, I don't know but what this idea is a good one. Here are the names of some of our most prominent citizens indorsing the plan. John — Prominent citizens! I don't care if the President himself indorses it ; it would still be plumb foolish. Why wife, how would turning clocks ahead make one minute more time in the tv/enty-f our hours in each day? Or in the daylight nature provides in the division of that time ? Jerusha — But, John, you have been saying all along you thought the task of feeding the people of the world the coming year would be a great one. John — So I have, and still think so; but turning clocks ahead won't do it. What the people of the world need now — and for a long time to come — is the very best efforts of every one in the avocation they now occupy, and if not needed in that, taking hold somewhere else ; doing their best wherever they are. Frank— Dad, here's a song I bought for Kate that says different. We'll sing it. They sing, "Just Turn Your Clocks Ahead Today" (with accompaniment) ; for encore, *'We are Thinking While We Listen" (John and Jerusha waltzing toward the close, or at such part as to be most effective). Act II. — More Conundnims and Philosophy. SCENE ONE. — Alf 's sitting-room ; all the characters assembled. Alf and John with a dish of apples between them, Susan and Jerusha knitting, and the young people looking over photographs. John — Well, Alf, have you been reading up on your socialistic doctrine lately? Alf — My kind don't require much reading about, John, just thinking. "You may call my ideas what you will. I honestly think that some of the great evils that exist in this old U. S. A. have got to be eliminated; wrongs have got to be righted; justice has got to be the universal rule — not the exception — or we are in for a good-sized chunk of trouble, some- time — if our present one with Germany don't over- whelm us. John — Oh, you old calamity howler! Say, I've got a conundrum for you this time. Alf — All right, hurry up and get it off your gray matter before it sours and gives you the nightmare. John — Why is my head like your legs? Alf — Not because it arrives on time, that's sure. John — No ; it is because it will stand a lot of exer- cise — sometimes — before it gets to the (s) train, Frank — I've got the conundrum fever, too. Why is the attitude of Saginaw toward the Saginaw river like the United States toward Germany? (After thinking a little, all ask. Why?) Frank — Because in the past she has stood more dirt from her than she ought, and now has decided there shall be a thorough clean-up. Kate — Frank makes big conundrums, so I'll give him a little one. Why is he like some of the German shells? All (except Frank) — Why? Kate — Because they are both filled with gas. John — Well, Alf — to change the subject — what do you think of our prospects of victory over Ger- many? Alf — Why, we have simply got to whip them. They are wrong — and have been from the start. We are in the right, and have been from the beginning of the trouble. John — But don't you think the defection of Rus- sia, her chaotic condition and the benefit this con- dition and the prospect of Germany's control and in- fluence there, will not be a great help to her? Alf — Yes, — perhaps for a time, — but I have faith that there is enough intelligence, patriotism and love of true liberty in Russia to finally — with the help of the Allies — establish such there permanently. John — 1 hope so, Alf; but it looks like a hard struggle for us yet, sometimes. Alf — So it will be, I believe. But the longer the Germans hold out the more thoroughly will they be licked. Why, John, as the young folks sang the other night, *'We might better die in battle than to pay tribute to that old blasphemer, the Kaiser," or words to that effect. John — That was a great song. Can't the young folks sing again? Jerusha and I must go soon. All sing, with accompaniment, *The Bells of Free- dom.*' For encore, "Sand." SCENE SECOND.— Yankee Optimism. — Place same as last scene ; John and Jerusha absent. Alf smok- ing; Susan knitting and the young folks "spoon- ing." Henry takes an intermission at this and says: Henry — Well, Frank, we'll soon be in camp, train- ing to "swat the Kaiser." Frank — You bet! and the quicker I can get a crack at him and his minions, the better it will suit me. Ruth — But Fra — boys, think of the hardships, the dangers, those awful trenches, the shells, and the gas, and ail the cruel things the Huns will do to you. Henry — Oh, shucks! Ruth. We're used to gas here in America. These things are all part of the day's work for a soldier. There's not as much dan- ger at the front as in a munition factory, and thou- sands of girls are working in those. Frank — And even if there is some danger, you girls would have been ashamed of us and called us "slack- ers" if we had tried to be excused. Kate — But think. Hen — boys, of the lonesomeness when you get across, and do not have your home friends with you. Boo-hoo! (Crying.) Frank — Pshaw! Kate, I believe you are afraid some of those French girls will capture Henry and keep him for themselves. Come, don't be jealous. We intend to help pound a little sense into the Kai- ser's soldiers and be back here in six months after we get at them. Susan — Boys, although it nearly breaks my heart to see you go ; I'm proud of you nevertheless. Here's a book (handing each a small Bible) , I want you both to read and use its precepts for your daily guide, and I know you will both make an honorable record wherever you are. Henry — You bet we will, mother. Frank — You bet we will. Aunt Susan, or die try- ing. Alf — Frank, as Henry stays with you tonight, and John takes you both to the train in the morning, I want to add a word or two to what mother has said to ye. Do your whole duty, boys, wherever you are. Study and prepare for active military duty, thor- oughly — not for the honor you expect to reap from so doing — but that your efficiency, coupled with that of your comrades, will help to shorten this bloody struggle, and chain — forever — this dragon of the earth, militarism, and honor will come to you both. Good-bye my boy (shaking hands with Henry). Good-bye Frank ; God bless you both and bring you back to us. Good-bye. Leaves the stage showing deep emotion.) Piano or organ plays and all march and sing, "Boom ! Slam! Bang!" Repeat softly for encore. Final curtain. NOTE.—Suggest that when the song, ''Sand," is sung, after first verse and chorus is sung, John should recite the following verse : The Hohenzollerns think they are rulers from above, But disregard the Golden Rule, the one we all should love, So we have got to make them common for awhile. And work along with common folks, and see if they can smile. And after the second, the following one : We haven't any grudge against the German rank and file, Except a stickin' to and keepin* up such a rotten pile As this here Hohenzollern fad, and all it means to them. Instead of putting skids under 'em, and makin' 'em common men. THIS PLAY, all Songs used, and booklet, ''Alf," copyrighted by the author, Geo. B. Whitney ; but the free use of which he grants to all patriotic or charit- able movements if desired. All music with piano ac- companiment can be obtained by addressing Geo. B. Whitney, Saginaw, Mijch. JUST TURN YOUR CLOCKS AHEAD TODAY IF production is inadequate, in workshop, mine or farm, To increase it is an easy matter now ; We only have to turn our clocks ahead — how do you like the yarn? And production is increased by tools and plow. Chorus. So turn your clocks ahead today, don't wait for Un- cle Sam ; The old gentleman sometimes, you know, is slow ; We must each one "do our bit," so do not idly sit. But turn your clicks ahead, and then you'll see things go. If you want to win a battle, boys, just turn your clocks ahead; The Germans then are surely going to run ; For you'll catch them in their socks asleep, and just getting out of bed. They'll surrender, yes, surrender (?), — won't this be great fun? — Chorus. These songs are in the engraver's hands, and will soon be on sale at 25c each, postage prepaid. The booklet, '*Alf.," at 50c per copy, postage prepaid. Music can be obtained at leading mus ic houses, or by addressing Geo. B. Whitney, M!-UpiJ01'LUnily i^Ub: Ca., Saginaw, Mich. WE ARE THINKING, WHILE WE LISTEN WE ARE thinking, while we listen, in our home- land, and abroad. Of your training for the struggle coming on ; And our feeling, while we're kneeling, and petition to our God; Is, your struggle, for the right, will soon be won. Chorus. We are thinking, while we listen, and the teardrops sometimes glisten; But we'll bravely brush these signals from our eyes; For we're learning, while we're waiting, that our love is not abating, But affection is increasing while time flies. War is cruel, harsh and fearful, and we'll fight until it goes; As a service to the future, ages on ; So in kindness, for the blindness, and the error of our foes. We must fight until the victory is won. — Chorus. STRIKE, SONS OF COLUMBIA STRIKE ! Sons of Columbia ; strike autocracy hard, Until to democracy, submission is given ; To the cruel world's war-lords, give them your re- gards. With the might of your arms, and the help of your leaven. Chorus. Strike ! Sons of Columbia, strike ! But thy flag never, With all of your resources, ev'ry one, ev'ry hour. Show the foe you are patriots, all and forever, Strike hard and strike deep, show the world now thy power. Sons of Columbia, your work must be finished. For approval of heaven, and for justice to men ; So undaunted you go, your strength undiminished. To give the world freedom, strike again and again. Chorus. WE ARE SONS OF OLD COLUMBIA WE ARE sons of old Columbia, and we're on the double-quick, To help give all nations freedom, and make the Kai- ser sick Of his cruelties, his wantonness, his blasphemy of God, And we'll accomplish the above, or lie beneath the sod. Chorus. For what use would life be to us, without our liber- ties? The keeping of all promises? The freedom of the seas? We might better die in battle, or face a firing squad, Than pay tribute to a tyrant that blasphemes the name of God. So here from old Columbia we come, bringing with each our mite, We are coming, friends, to help you — help you to win the fight. The fight waged for world freedom, and for perpet- ual peace. And until the final victory's ours, our efforts ne'er will cease.— Chorus. (These two Songs and the Book are fully protected by Copyright.) BOOM! SLAM! BANG! WE'RE training here in this old camp, training ev'ry day, Learning the things we did not v/ish, — to mingle in a fray As righteous as e'er was fought, fought by any one. And now we'll soon be ready, ready to take the Hun. Chorus. Boom! Slam! Bang! we'll soon go o'er to France, We're going to teach the Germans, — teach them how to dance A lesson of our liking, and take the Kaiser's crown. We're training for this business, in this old northern town. We're sailing now on this old ship, sailing o'er the sea, Sailing to where we each can help to give world lib- erty, The greatest cause e'er fought by man, fought to give world peace. And now we'll soon be over, to help to make war cease. Chorus. Boom! Slam! Bang! vv^e'll soon be o'er in France, We're going to teach the Germans, teach them how to dance, A lesson to our liking, and take them on the hyp, We're sailing for this business, on this old loyal ship. We*re marching now in sunny France, marching to the fray, Knowing each must do our part, the part of right today; And lifting up our eyes on high, know we will not run. But fight like fiends the Germans, we promise to take the Hun. Chorus. Boom ! Slam ! Bang ! we're over here in France, We have come to teach the Germans, teach them how to dance A lesson of our liking, and make their soldiers sick Of fighting for autocracy, — we'll give the lesson quick. We're working here upon the land — working every- where, Working to raise, and make the things the boys need over there. As noble work as e'er was done, done by loyal ones, 'Twill help to gain the victory, vict'ry o'er the Huns. Chorus. Boom ! Slam ! Bang ! our boys are o'er in France, And working to supply them, we have got to dance A lesson of economy, industry, and care. To feed ourselves, our soldiers, and allies over there. NOTE.— The word ^'northern" in chorus to first verse can be changed to suit location. Words fully protected by copyright, sale at bookstores and news stands. Another Verse to the Song, America- Lord, come and help us now, Lest we to might may bow, Forever slaved ; Help us to purge our hearts From all unworthy parts, Help thwart world-rulers' arts. From them be saved. Another. Lord, freely aid us now, Never to wrong to bow. Or foes, though strong. To Thou, the only one. Our Lord and risen Son, We humbly to Thee come ; Make right all wrong. Written March 26th, 1918. The Bells of Freedom. In seventy-six, bells of freedom then were ringing Out to the world, from this old U. S. A. Our liberty they then surely were a-singing, All come and help us, make it true today. Chorus. Bells of liberty were ringing everywhere ; Guns they are booming now> to help it over there ; We are called again to make its purpose true ; And the meaning plain of the old Red, White and Blue. Time flittered on and weVe marched to good fruit- ing All 'long the lines, in this old U. S. A. Now we go to help stop all this war recruiting O'er all the world, let's make it true today. — Cho. GOD RULES THE WORLD Battle Hymn. God rules the world, has always ruled and still Rules by His strength, and so forever will; He in His Word hath told us He is love; Why should we doubt His promise from above? Chorus. God rules the world again, ring out the glad refrain. Right is our standard now, rejoice ye world again, Satan shall be overturned, might's power shall now be hurled. Why should we doubt, God rules the world- False are the claims made by monarchs claiming Thine Strength is for them, and not His love divine Given to all, in measure full and free, If by their might, to them we'd bow the knee. — Cho. So in His strength we are girded for the fray, With fearless hearts, the foe to meet today. Forward we go, the issue clear and plain. Might it must go, and right must rule again. — Cho. SONG. I SOMETIMES DID WHISTLE I lived upon a farm 'way down in Tennessee, And then from early morning till the setting of the sun I surely then was happy as a farmer boy can be ; I also worked a little, but I had a lot of fun, A whistling and singing and standing on my head, And I will keep it up until they say I'm dead. Chorus. I sometimes did whistle when I stepped on a thistle, When living on the farm 'way down in Tennessee ; I had lots of muscle, therefore I had to hustle, I whistled quite a lot, but was busy as a bee. Repeat chorus whistling. But now Tm in the army, a soldier good and true, I still pucker up my lips whenever Tve a chance. Ringing out the merry tunes to the old Red, White and Blue, And boggling up the Germans' plans, while over here in France. In a clean fair fighting moods we'll take the Kaiser's head. And we'll not cease our efforts until they say he's dead. Chorus. I sometimes do whistle at the shriek of a missile. As it screams above us, or bursts up in the air ; I am one of Sammy's men, over here in France then. Whistling while I may, since I've been "over there." Repeat again whistling. SONG. SOMEWHERE AND SOMETIME Our boys have some gone over, away across the sea, To help the foe to conquer, and make all nations free ; Their lifeblood now is mingling with foreign com- rades fair, Sometimes our hearts are grieving, thinking of all o'er there. Chorus. Somewhere the boys are bleeding to bring world- freedom near; Sometimes our hearts are pleading with He who holds life dear; Sometime He'll give the blessing, and all will live in peace. With banners all united we'll surely make war cease. Let each one pay our tribute to boys in khaki plain. All their loyal hearts salute, ring out your cheers again ; Remembering that their love for freedom and the right Is all worth while to die for, for this we all will fight. Chorus. SONG. BOOM! SLAM! BANG! Some nations of the world went crazy mad, they did, And started all this cruel, cruel strife called war; Love and peace, and the thing called righteousness were hid- World conquest, — the power of might— -was what 'twas for. Chorus. Boom! Slam! Bang! the guns are smashing hard, Destruction is the cruel price of war; Boom ! Slam ! Bang ! for life it's no regard, They're smashing, and they're tearing over there. With crude and startling changes history has been made, Still the awful carnage does not cease or even lull, The lust for wealth and power, is why the game is played, By Satan surely started, and kept by he till full. — Chorus. And now we are called to help to make strife cease, Let us each one do our duty fully while we may; Our sacrifice is great, giving lives for making peace, Our boys have some gone over, and others on the way. — Chorus. SONG. I VAS GOT DER LEGS I vas a goot American man, I koom from Germany, Und I vas show der Yankees how to do, Dis gountry short on kultur vas, but liddle do I see. So I vill now vith all my might, to dem der right show drue. Chorus. Druly, I vas shortly to dis gountry come avay. Bud I vas shorely deach them both how to vork and blay, . Der Yanks vas short on kultur, I vill put dem on deir Und if too hot id gets for me, vy I vas got der legs. Sure id vas all rigdt — Democracy, ven Yanks der Inglish fight, Und make der rascals run schoost vare der can. Bud now a dif'rent madder kooms, our kulture now vas might, . Der kultur of der strong right arm, vich is der Kai- ser's blan. — Chorus. I escape dis here internment blan, but in der draft do koom. So quickly I der khaki soon must vare ; I vill show der Yanks a drick or dwo, ven I get near my home, ,, Der action of a German's legs, ven I get "ofer there. — Chorus. s^ ^-s LIBERTY LOAN SONG Tune: *'Speed Away." Speed away, speed away on your mission tonight, To the lands that are bleeding and struggling for right; Help the men that are lighting, help dear ones at home. Let this now encourage, in their efforts to come ; Go quickly in channels to do work not to play, Speed away, speed away, speed away. Speed away, speed away with your torchlight of hope. To the nations and men who have striven to cope With that dragon of might which we all know by "war," But which shall be shattered and driven afar By your help that is coming, and coming today, Speed away, speed away, speed away. Speed away, speed away, there is much to be done For the people of earth and the Crucified One ; 'Tis a great thing to do, help the nations of earth Throw off each their shackles and give each a re- birth, Giving freedom and peace ; do your work while you may, Speed away, speed away, speed away. Written by Geo. B. Whitney, April 12, 1918. Permission given to use and copy. Geo. B. Whitney.