|PS 3513 .1643 IP3 '1919 ! Copy 1 yVo SP/qt/s Bxchanged; KER'S EDITION H PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM Price, 25 Cents WALTER H- BAKER &C0 BOSTON J_ . A, Jlr^W J i 1 f i Recent Plays That H ave " Gone Over the Top " > > Price The Adventures of Grandpa 4 5 2 hrs. 25C Free The Air Spy 12 4 i# <( 25c Special The American Flag 6 3 2 <« 25c Free r Captain Cranberry 8 3 2 u 25c 11 * I The College Chap ii 7 2 " 25 c " The Colonel's Maid 6 3 2 " 25C n The Country Doctor 6 5 2 44 25c 11 j. 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WVVVV V VVVVVVVVVVVVV 1 Patty Makes Things Hum A Comedy in Three Acts By CAROLYN DRAPER GILPATRIC NOTICE TO PROFESSIONALS This play is published for amateurs only. Professional com- panies are forbidden the use of it in any form or under any title, without the consent of the author, who may be addressed in care of the publishers. BOSTON WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 1919 Patty Makes Things Hum ACT I SCENE. — Living-room at Mrs. Greene's suburban home. The room is furnished cozily, with a fireplace in wall R. Doors r. i entrance, below fireplace; another r. above fireplace, and another L. I entrance. Window up c. Couch facing fireplace. Library table back of couch, running parallel to it. Armchair l. of table. Piano up u, seat in front of it. Chair l. c, another chair up stage r. of window. Telephone on upper end of table. {Telephone rings twice. At third ring, Hyacinth enters leisurely from r. u. e. ) Hy. {at 'phone). Hello. Yas'm, dis am Mis' Greene's house. Dis am Hyacinth talkin', — Hyacinth. What 'm? Mis' Greene ? No'm, she's done gone to de manicure's, — dat's whar dey cuts nails an' makes 'em shiny. Yas'm. She said she'd be home by fo' o'clock, ma'am, an' it's dat now. Yas'm, she's habin' a dinner-party to-night, ma'am. Mr. Hoover? No'm, — he ain't invited. Her brudder, Cap'n Little, he done got hisself degaged to Miss Can't- wait, an' dis here's a nonsense party. What 'm? A 'nouncement party? Yas'm, dat's it. All right, ma'am, good-bye, ma'am. {Door-bell rings off l.) Fo' de law's sakes, it's firs' de telephone bell, den de door-bell all dis day. Dat wuthless grocer's boy has done fergot some- pin', I spec. [Exit, r. u. e. {Door-bell rings again. Enter Mrs. Smith and Miss Dunbar, l.) 6 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM Mrs. S. (coming a). Doris! Where are you? (Miss D. pauses l.) Enter Hy., r. u. e. Comes R. c. up stage. Hy. Mis' Greene, she's at de manicure's, Mis' Smith. She said she'd be back by fo' o'clock sure, so you an' Miss Dumper jes' set down an' wait a HT while. [Exit, R. u. e. Miss D. Isn't she dreadful ? She insists upon calling me Miss Dumper. (Goes to window-seat and sits. Telephone rings. Mrs. S. goes to 'phone, back of table.) Mrs. S. What? Yes, but Mrs. Greene is not here. The fish market ? Lobsters ? Mrs. Greene is expected at any moment. I'll have her call you when she comes in. (Rings off.) I hope they aren't going to disappoint hen (Takes up magazine from table, looks at it, and sits in chair L. of table.) Miss D. That would be a shame, wouldn't it? I just love lobsters. Don't you think Captain Braithwaite is stunning looking? Mrs. S. Speaking of lobsters? (Laughs.) I cer- tainly do. If I weren't already married I'd fall des- perately in love with him. Miss D. (sighing). I've been crazy to meet him. (Looks out window to l.) Oh, Sally! there he is now! He's coming here. What luck ! Mrs. S. Here? Miss D. He's coming up the walk. Isn't it exciting? Mrs. S. (smiling). Very. Now don't go and lose your head over him. These army officers are dangerous creatures, you know. Miss D, That's what makes them so exciting. (Door-bell rings off l. Enter Hy., r. u. e.) Hy. (crossing stage). Dey ain't no rest fo' me dis PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 7 yere day. Ma feet's mos' wore out trompin' back an* fo'th to de door an' de telephone. (At door.) Howdy do, Cap'n? Mis' Greene, she's out jes' now, but you jes' step in an' wait a while. Tom (entering l., followed by Hy.). I suppose Cap- tain Little is out? (Mrs. S. rises. He sees ladies and bows. Comes l. c.) Hy. (l.). Yas, sir, he's out wid yo' sister, but you jes' wait a minute. (Goes up to door R. u. e.) Mrs. S. How do you do, Captain ? I want you to meet my sister, Miss Dunbar. (Exit Hy., r. u. e. Miss D. comes to l. c.) Tom (crossing r. c, shaking hands with Mrs. S.). I am delighted to see you, Mrs. Smith, and your sister. (Bows to Miss D.) Miss D. (l. a). I've heard so much about you, Cap- tain Braithwaite. Tom (c). Indeed? Miss D. You and Captain Little are great friends, aren't you ? Tom. I admire Captain Little very much. Miss D. And your sister, — I think she is a dear. Mrs. S. Captain Little is very attentive to your sis- ter, isn't he ? Miss D. Are they engaged? I won't tell a soul if it is a secret. Tom. She hasn't confided in me yet, so I can't tell you. Miss D. Just the same, I think they are engaged. You can always tell. Oh, Captain Braithwaite, have you seen the rhododendrons? They are just in the height of beauty now, and you must see them. Come and look at them. (Goes l.) Mrs. S. Yes, do show them to him, Hope. Tom. If you will excuse me (Bows to Mrs. S.) Mrs. S. Certainly. (Exeunt Tom and Miss D., l. Mrs. S. sits again r. c.) Oh, dear, sometimes I wish I wasn't married. There's nothing romantic about Frank- 8 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM lin. (Sighs.) I suppose I might as well do some knitting while I'm waiting. (Takes sock out of bag and knits.) Enter Hy., r. u. e. Comes down c. Hy. Dat Mis' O'Connell ain't come yet, Mis' Smith. Mrs. S. Who is Mrs. O'Connell? Hy. She's de commutator. Mrs. S. Commutator? (Laughs.) Do you mean an accommodator ? Hy. Yas'm, dat's what I said. Mrs. S. And she hasn't come yet? Hy. No, ma'am, she ain't come yet. [Exit, r. u. e. Mrs. S. Dear me, that's a shame. (Enter Mrs. Greene, l.) Here you are, Doris. (Rises and goes toward Doris.) Doris (meeting her a). Oh, Sally, I'm so glad to see you. (Kisses her.) Mrs. S. I just ran in to see if I could do anything for you. (Moves R. c.) So many things always go wrong when one entertains. Doris (removing hat, etc.). No, thank you, dear. I don't think there's anything you can do. Everything seems to have gone all right so far. (Takes off hat.) Mrs. S. Oh, Doris, the fish man called you up, and I told him you'd call him when you came in. (Sits in chair L. of table.) Doris (goes up l., puts hat, etc., on piano; going to 'phone) . I hope there isn't any trouble about the lobsters. (At 'phone.) Hello, hello, — operator, where are you? Isn't the service frightful, Sally? I have to wait ages — hello — give me Winchester. 217, please. (Aside.) Oh, if they can't get the lobsters (In 'phone.) Hello. Pollock's Market? What ! You can't get them? But I told you two days ago. You've got to get them. I don't care. If you don't get them here by half -past five I'll never trade with you again. Well, that's your lookout; PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 9 you've simply got to get them somehow. I can't have my dinner without them. {Rings off.) Isn't that disgust- ing ? He's got to get them. Mrs. S. Isn't it always the way when you entertain? Did your dress come home, dear ? Doris {comes l. c). Yes, thank goodness, it came this morning {sits l. c), and it's a wonder; but the bill ! I'm afraid I'll have to go to some one else, for her prices are outrageous. Mrs. S. That's always the way. If you're satisfied with the work the prices are frightful, and if you're satis- fied with the price the work is frightful. Doris. Well, what can we do about it? {Rises.) Excuse me, dear, while I see how things are going on in the kitchen. Mrs. O'Connell is a perfect jewel — I never could have given this dinner without her, — Hyacinth is so stupid. [Exit, r. u. e. {Telephone rings.) Mrs. S. {rises, goes to back of table; at 'phone). Hello. Yes, this is Mrs. Greene's house. No, this isn't Mrs. Greene, but I'll call her. Just a minute. {Goes to r. u. e.) Doris ! telephone ! {Returns to her chair l. of table and sits.) Now if that woman can't come I pity Doris. Enter Doris, r. u. e. Doris. I can't understand it. Mrs. O'Connell prom- ised to be here at three o'clock, and she hasn't come yet. {At 'phone.) Hello, — who is this? Mrs. Murphy? What! She can't come! Why, I have a dinner-party to-night, and she was to get dinner for me. Sick ? Well, I suppose the poor woman can't help it, but what am I going to do? {Rings off.) What do you think of that? No one to cook my dinner for me. Oh, Sally, what in the world shall I do ? Hyacinth is simply hopeless. {Looks worried.) Mrs. S. Doris! {Rises, crosses l. c. and turns.) 10 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM I'll go right home and get Nora. She was going out but I know she'll be glad to get dinner for you — she ought to, at the price I'm paying her. You know what a wonder- ful cook she is. Doris (comes c). Sally Smith! You have saved my life. You absolute angel-child ! I always loved you before, but now I adore you. (Embraces her.) Mrs. S. Do you feel my wings yet? I actually be- lieve they're sprouting. Doris. Sally, you darling! Mrs. S. Well, dear, I'll run along and get my jewel, and be back in half an hour, at most. (Goes to l. door.) Oh, Doris (turns), Captain Braithwaite called, and Hope took him out to see the rhododendrons. If he doesn't want to see you for anything important we'll take him along with us. Doris (follows Mrs. S. to l.). All right, dear, I haven't time to entertain him now, so take him along. Mrs. S. See you later, dear. Doris. Good-bye, dear; thanks a thousand times. (Exit Mrs. S. Doris crosses and drops in chair by table. Fans herself with magazine. Telephone rings. Doris rises, goes to back of table; at 'phone.) Hello. Oh, it's you, dear. What ! That's just where you guess again, Robert Greene. You'll be out here by six o'clock at the latest. Why, the dinner-party, of course. How could you forget? Now don't you dare to forget the chocolates and the cigars. Good-bye. (Rings off, sighs y and comes c.) My word! Is that all? I shall be a nervous wreck if anything more happens. Deliver me from entertaining after this is over. I'll go back to the simple life. (Fusses about room, arranging things on table, etc. Enter Hy., r. u. e. Comes c.) Hy. (a). She ain't come yet, ma'am. < Doris (straightening things on table*, a). Oh, Hya- cinth, Mrs. Smith is going to bring Nora over to get dinner. Mrs. O'Connell is sick. You'll help all you can, won't you ? PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM II (Goes to fireplace; arranges things on mantel.) Hy. (c). Yas'm, I'll help. Mis' Greene, a lady called you up on de telephone while you was at de mani- cure's, an' wanted you to buy some tickets for a criss- cross bridge, or somepin'. I jes' cain't remember her i name now — Mis' — Mis' — Cobbler, dat was it. Doris (r.). Cobbler! Why, I don't know any one named Cobbler. (Thinks.) Do you mean Shoemaker? Hy. Yas'm, dat's de name. I knowed it had some- pin' to do wid shoes. Doris. What did you tell her? (Turns.) Hy. I tole her you'd gone to hab yo' nails cut fo' de party, an' she said, " What party ? " an' I says, " Why, she is habin' a swell dinner-party to-night fo' her brudder an' his fancy. (Doris sinks on couch.) Doris. His what ? Oh, mercy, you mean his fiancee. Hy. Yas'm, dat's it. Doris. And you told her I was having a dinner- party, — heavens! That woman will never forgive me for not inviting her. Hyacinth, you certainly have the most glorious faculty for putting your foot in it. Hy. Yas'm. Doris. Well, I suppose it is too late to help that. (Door-bell rings; Hy. goes to l.) Now, who is that? (Goes to window.) It's the florist. (Comes down r. c.) The flowers have come for to-night, so I'll arrange them before I go up-stairs. (Hy. goes out l.) Hy. (off stage l.). For de lan's sake, ma'am, did you order dis? (Brings in funeral wreath or set piece. Comes c. ; gives wreath fo Doris.) Doris (r. c. ) . Merciful heavens ! What in the world ! Why, it's a funeral wreath ! (Goes to l. door.) Here, — stop ! I'm having a dinner-party to-night, — not a funeral. (Looks at wreath, comes r. c, reads sentiment on it and laughs weakly. Enter Miss BrAithwaite and Captain Little l. door. Hy. is up c. Miss B. pauses l. above door.) 12 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM Fred (l. a). What in thunder! Well, for the love of Mike, what's that? Doris. Oh, Fred, they've sent me a funeral wreath instead of the flowers I ordered. {Hands wreath to Fred.) Isn't that terrible? I'm glad I'm not super- stitious. Come in, Helen, I'm glad to see you. (Helen crosses to Doris, r. c.) Fred {reading), "I will come again." {Crosses to door l.) Well, you'd better come again, and bring the right flowers. Isn't there a mistake in the name? Doris (r. c). It must be the other Greenes; we're always getting mixed up with them. {Crosses to door.) Isn't it for N. G. Greene ? (Helen to R. front of table.) Boy {outside, unseen). Yes, ma'am. Doris (l.). Well, this is R. E. Greene, and I ordered sweet peas. {Goes back to Helen.) Fred {laughing). I'm afraid that would give your guests indigestion. Here, boy, take this doleful thing away and straighten things out. {Hands wreath out door; comes L. c.) Doris (r. c). I didn't know that any one had died at N. G. Greene's, — it wasn't in the Star. Fred (l. c). Probably it was too late to get the notice in. Hy. {comes down a). Oh, ma'am, it must be dere ol' Aunt Lucy, — she done hab a shock-like de odder day. Doris. Oh, yes, I remember. It probably proved fatal. Fred. Yes, I should be inclined to think so. Hy. You 'member how dey tried to bury her a year ago? Helen (r.). What! {Sinks on couch. Doris sits L. of table.) Hy. (c, laughing). Dat was de bigges' joke I ebber PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 1 3 heard. She done gone trabbelin' out wes' to visit some folks, an' while she was dere she took powerful sick, an' dey telegram on here dat she wouldn't lib mor'n a day, an' dey'd bring her home. Well, dey made all de 'range- ments for de funeral, hired a swell gen'lemen quartette, de preacher, de undertaker, de flowers, de lot in de seminary an' ebberyt'ing, an' went to de station to get de body, an' what do you think? Dar she was — big as life, an' twice as ugly. Fred (l. c, laughing). That isn't a fish story, is it? Hy. It's de truest story I ebber tole, Cap'n, an' any one in dis yere town will tell you I'se not makin' it up. [Exit, R. u. E. Fred. So now she's really died. {Laughs.) Say, — who had such a neat sense of humor as to put that senti- ment on the wreath ? "I will come again." They'll think poor Aunt Lucy has nine lives. {All laugh.) Doris {rises). Well, this won't do. I must see if everything has come from the grocer's that I ordered. You'll excuse me, Helen, won't you? {Goes up R.) Helen. Of course, dear. {Enter Hy., r. u. e.> meeting Doris.) Hy. (up r.). Mis' Greene, dat wuthless grocer's boy done brought us three cabbages instead ob lettuce. What does he think we'se habin', a boiled dinner? Fred (l. c, laughing). Good for you, Hyacinth. Doris {comes- down r. c). Oh, dear, what shall we do about it? If I call up they won't get it up in time. Fred. Let us look after that. We'll run right down and get as many heads of lettuce as we can find, won't we, Helen? Helen {rises and crosses to Fred). I'd love to go marketing. {He takes her arm.) Doris (r. c). You'd better go slow, Fred, — they're fifteen cents a head. Fred. Anything else ? Can't I bring some chocolates and cigars? Doris. No, thank you, dear. Bob's going to bring them. What do you think? He called up a while ago *4 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM and said he wouldn't be out to dinner. If my memory was as short as his, I'd forget to order dinner. Fred. Well, so long. (They go toward L. door.) Now don't worry ; everything will be all right. Helen. Good-bye, dear. (Exit Miss B. and Capt. Little. Doris drops in chair l. of table.) Hy. (comes down a). Ain't he de grandes' man, Mis' Greene? He nebber goes off on sprees, or gets ugly or nuthin\ Tears like he ain't human, — he's dat good. Doris (seated l. of table, picks up magazine lan- guidly). He isn't perfect, Hyacinth, hut he's a dear. Hy. Yas'm; but mos' odder men am bears,— least- ways my men has been. You see, bein' married three times has helped a powerful lot 'bout knowin' how to tell a real, true, honest-to-goodness man from somethin' eben de cat wouldn't bring in. Ef dis turrable war would only kill off all ob dat kin', an' leab us jest de good ones like Cap'n Little, den it would shorely be wuth while. Doris (sighing). But it never does. It's always the best who seem to be taken. Oh, well, I mustn't think about such things — it will never do. Now you must run out and help Nora. Hy. Yas'm, I'll help her, but seems like she don't need no help, though. Don' it beat all, ma'am, how easy dat Nora can do things? She can cook jes' as well as our Jack, an' he's a reg'lar chef cook. Doris. Where is Jack working now? Hy. He's at a summer hotel down on de Cape, ma'am, an' he said he hoped it wouldn't be as hot as it was dar las' summer, 'cause it was so hot at night dey had to open all de transients. Doris. Transients ! Oh, I see — transoms. Hy. Yas'm, — dose winders ober de doors, — you know. [Exit, R. u. E. (Motor horn outside l. Doris rises and goes to l. door.) Doris (outside l.). Sally, you peach,— thanks a thou- sand times. Nora, you don't know how much I ap- PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 1 5 preciate your coming. This is my first big dinner, and I did so want everything to go off smoothly. You make Hyacinth help you. Good-bye, Sally, see you at six- thirty. {Enters c.) There! I guess my troubles are over. I'll just run up and put out Bob's evening clothes for him, before I forget it, or he'll have the usual fit. (Fusses about room, gets hat, etc., from piano, and exit r. i e. Door-bell rings l. Enter Hy., r. u. e.) Hy. Nebber did see anythin' like it. Tears lak dat do'-bell's beswitched. (Goes out l.) Patty (outside). Is Mrs. Greene home? I'm her sister. Hy. Yas'm, she's home. Patty (enters; crosses r. c). Well, where is she? I want fifty cents to pay the driver. (Dumps suit-case on floor, r. c.) Hy. (l.). She's up-stairs, I reckon, gettin' ready fo' de party. Patty. What party? (Comes c.) Hy. Why, de dinner-party to-night fo' Cap'n Little an' Miss Can'twait. Patty (laughing). Miss Can'twait! You mean Miss Braithwaite, — oh, lovely ! That's the best one I've heard in some time. Are you a humorist, fair one ? Hy. No, ma'am, Fse a Baptis'. (Patty collapses in chair l. of table; puts her hands in her pockets, drawing out coin. Looks at it in sur- prise. Hy. moves up c, watching Patty.) Patty. Heavens! My missing fifty cents! Now how did I come to put it in that pocket ? I never put any in there before. Well, I suppose I'll have to pay my just debts. (Rises, goes to l. door.) Here you are. (Hands coin out door.) My, but it's hot. (Comes c, takes off hat and tosses it on table; sits l. of table, fanning herself with magazine; looks at magazine.) Good Housekeep- ing ! Do you read Good Housekeeping, fair one ? l6 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM Hy. (comes down c). No, Miss, I reads Breezy Stories most. Patty (laughing). The name sounds good to-day. What is your name ? Hy. Ma name's Hyacinth, Miss. Patty (choking). Hyacinth! How in the world did you ever happen to be endowed with such a name ? Hy. Well, ma mudder, she was always romantic-like, Miss, an* she done name all of us after flowers. Patty. What are the rest of you named, and tell me, — what is your surname ? Hy. I jes' tole you, Miss, — Hyacinth. Patty. I don't mean your first name, I mean your last. Hy. Well, ma las' name was White, — he was a wuth- less nigger, tho', an' it didn't take me long to see dat he was marryin' me for ma money, so I lef him an' changed ma name to Gray. Patty. So you believe in standing by the colors, Hyacinth? Hy. I shorely does, Miss. Patty. How many times have you been in love, Hyacinth ? Hy. Well, I'se been married three times, ef dat's what you mean. Patty. Only three times ? Hy. Dat's all so far, Miss. Patty, Now tell me about your flower-garden family Who are the others ? Hy. Well, dere's Snowball, an' Bridal- wreath, an' Sweet William, but lan's sakes, Miss, dere nebber was a uglier nigger in dis yere worl' dan dat Sweet William ob ours. He's too lazy to do anythin' but eat, an' he shore can eat. Patty. Well, who else is there? Hy. Den dere's Jack in de Pulpit,— we done thought we d shorely make a minister ob Jack, but he's workin' for a craterer mos' ob de time in Boston, an' he goes off bout ebbery month or so an' gets good an' drunk. He's a powerful lot ob trouble to us all, but when he's sober he's a reg lar chef cook, an' makes good money PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM l^ Patty. Oh, well, we can't all be perfect. Hy. Dat's true, Miss, we cain't, but we can all be puffec' nuisances, ef we don't look out. Now I got a sister named Narcissus Patty. Not really and truly? {Jumps up.) Hy. Yas, Miss, dat's her name. Patty. Do you know the origin of the flower? (Sits on corner of table.) Hy. I don't know 'bout dat, Miss, but I do know dat it smells powerful sweet. Patty (dreamily). There was a beautiful young man named Narcissus, who sat on the edge of a pool and looked at himself in the water, and he fell in love with his own image. Hy. I know a man who done fell in love wid his own cousin. Patty. But I mean that Narcissus fell in love with himself. Hy. Dat ain't no news to me, Miss, — dere ain't no man livin' who ain't head ober heels in lub wid himself. Patty. But tell me about your sister. Is she always looking in the mirror ? ' Hy. I'll tell you, Miss. Dat name shorely do fit Nar- cissy, for she am de vaines' gal I ebber see. She's dat proud she say she ain't gwine to marry no man who ain't got a good job, an' ebbery cent she makes she spends on dem slinky Georgette waists what ain't got nothin' on a 'squito nettin', an' silk casseroles to wear under 'em. Patty. Casseroles! (Laughs.) Good heavens! Well, I'm afraid I'd do the same thing. (Jumps down; goes to R. IE.) Doris ! Where are you? It's Patty. (Comes r. c.) Oh, I'm so glad there's going to be a party to- night. How many are coming ? (Goes to l. of table; leans against it.) Hy. Dere's Cap'n Little an' his lady, an' Mister an' Mis' Smith, an' Mis' Smith's sister, Miss Dumper, an' Cap'n Can'twait, Miss Can'twait's brudder, an' Mis' Greene an' Mister Greene. l8 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM Enter Doris, r. i e., in negligee. Doris ( r. ) . Patty ! Merciful heavens ! What next ? 1 Patty (crosses to Doris, r., kissing her). I'm so glad/ j I came, Doris. Hyacinth tells me there is to be a party W§ to-night. Doris. Hyacinth, you may go now and help Nora. (Exit Hy., r. u. e.) Now I want to know why you are here. Patty. Isn't this a hot day, Sis? I almost roasted coming on the train. (Goes to piano, looks at music.) Doris (crosses to r. c). Patty — I want to know — Patty. Where is Fred? (Goes to windozv up c. and looks out.) Doris. He is doing an errand for me. (Goes to chair l. of table and sits.) I want to know Patty (comes down to Doris). That colored queen of yours is a perfect scream. Do you know what she! calls Miss Braithwaite ? Miss Can'twait. Isn't that per- fectly delicious ? Doris. Patty ! (Patty goes to window-seat; kneels on it.) Patty. How wonderful your garden looks, Sis. I never saw the flowers so lovely. Don't you want me to pick some for the table? Doris. Patty ! — will you kindly tell me Patty (rises, comes a). What an adorable negligee ) you have. Will you give it to me when you're tired of | it? I'm sick of mine. Doris. Patty, you must tell me, — why are you here ? | Patty. Because I couldn't wait another minute to see my darling sister. (Embraces her.) You look just as sweet as ever. Doris. I am quite sure that it wasn't to feast your eyes upon my beauty that you came at this particular moment, and you could hardly. have chosen a less con- venient time. Patty (l. of Doris). Doris, darling, am I in the way? H i PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 19 Doris. You certainly are. Here I have a dinner- party on hand to-night, and everything gone wrong, and [hen to have you turn up is the last straw. Patty. But I'd just love to come to your dinner- party. I'm not sensitive, you know, so I don't mind if haven't had an invitation. (Crosses l. c.) Doris. You are not coming down to dinner, Patty. The table is all arranged for eight, and I can't have my |)lans upset. Patty (l. c). But I don't mind if I don't have a place card. , Doris. You are too young to come to the dinner, and you'll have to have it in your room. Patty. I won't have it in my room ! (Stamps foot; goes up l. c.) ) Doris. Patty, this is a grown-up party, and I am try- ing to make a good impression on Miss Braithwaite and her brother. Patty (up l. a). Brother! How old is he ? (Comes down a) Doris (severely). I don't know, and it doesn't matter i;n the least how old he is. He's a captain in the British ■army, and very dignified. So is she, and I won't be humiliated by you. You know perfectly well that you can't sit still or keep still a minute, and you always man- age to say the most dreadful things. I won't have my dinner-party spoiled. Patty (c). I won't open my mouth. Please, Doris. Doris. That is impossible. Now tell me, — were you jexpelled from school? ] Patty. Sister darling, how can you think such things jabout poor little innocent me ? (Moves about uneasily; goes up to piano and moves music. ) Doris. Answer me. Were you expelled from school ? (Patty strikes terrible chord on piano. Doris puts hands 20 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM over ears; rises; goes up c. to Patty.) Patty ! Answer me immediately. (Patty sits on piano stool.) p Patty (swinging about on stool). Well, not exactly L expelled, but they seemed to think I needed a little change, J so I thought I'd come to see you. (Crosses around Doris up to window and looks out.) Doris (follows her up). What did you do ? Patty. I didn't do anything. (Goes to table, picks up book, then walks about; crosses to L.) Doris (up a). You might as well tell me now as later, Patty. I have a great many things to do, and II think you are very thoughtless to waste my time like this. / (Comes down r. and sits on couch; Patty crosses R. front.) Now stop tramping about the room and sit down and tell me the truth. What did you do ? Patty (sits down heavily on couch above Doris. Doris jumps). Well, they were always harping on be- ing perfectly natural, and last night Florence and I let ourselves down the fire escape and went down to the drug store for a soda. Doris. Alone ? Patty. We started alone, but we just happened to, meet two boys we knew. (Doris sniffs.) They were I corking nice boys, — you needn't be so snippy about it. (Gets up; goes a, back of table.) Doris (turning and looking at Patty). Now don't be silly, Patty. They may have been very nice boys, and all that, but rules are rules, you know. Go on. Patty -(sits l. of table). Well, we couldn't get rid of them, so we walked along together to the drug store and had a soda, and of course Miss Grant had to come in while we were there. Hateful old thing! Doris. I suppose you were afraid to go home? PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM %l Patty. You know how quick-tempered Dad is, and f how weepy mother is, and I just couldn't bear to see them. I Doris. So you thought I'd take you in until it blew over? ! Patty. Oh, Doris, if you only knew how hateful they are at school you wouldn't blame me. They're always prating about our being natural, and then when we are they expel us. {Claps hand over mouth.) Doris {rises; crosses back of table to c). Patty, when will you stop being a child and begin to grow up ? Patty {jumping up and crossing to l. a). I don't want to grow up if I've got to be as hateful as most grown-ups. Doris {up a). That will do, Patty. {Points to R.) Go to your room, and remember that you are not coming down to dinner. (Patty crosses to r. i e. stormily and exits.) CURTAIN 24 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM {Goes up c. to window, stands dejectedly, looking out, hands in pockets.) Doris. It certainly is in a mess. Hyacinth hasn't come yet, and I guess I'd better start getting breakfast ready, ©r things will look blacker than ever. {Goes to R. u. e.) Fred. I didn't sleep a wink all night. Doris {turning at door). You can't make me believe that, for I heard you snoring. Fred. You may have heard Bob snoring, but not me, for I didn't sleep one minute all night. Doris {comes c. to him). Why, what's the matter? Was the dinner too much for you? Why didn't you ask me for a soda mint? Fred {fiercely). A soda mint! Our engagement is all off. {Goes down l.) Doris (c). Nonsense, Fred, it will be all right. Fred. No such luck. {Paces to R.) It's all off, I say. Doris (a). Now, Fred, you can't tell me that a girl who is as much in love, with you as Helen is won't give you a chance to explain. Call her up after breakfast and talk to her, or run over and see her, and have it out with her. Fred. I'll call her up now, — I can't wait until after breakfast. {Goes to f phone around R. of couch.) Doris {going lo r. u. e.). Well, I'd better start break- fast. [Exit. Fred {at 'phone).' Hello, hello, — Winchester 318. Hello, may I speak to Miss Braithwaite? Oh, very well, I'll call later. {Rings off.) I'll bet she's awake but won't talk to me. {Strides angrily down l.) Enter Patty, r. i e., in negligee. Patty (r.). Good-morning, little sunshine. Fred (l., disgustedly). Yes, lovely morning. ( Turns back on her and goes up c. Kicks hassock out of the way.) PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 2$ Patty (r., yawning). I'm so sleepy I hated to get up. Fd have had my breakfast in bed if I'd been urged. (Sinks on couch.) Enter Doris, r. u. e., with frying-pan. Doris. Well, you won't be urged, that's one sure thing. If you want anything to eat you'll have, to cook it yourself. (Comes down c.) Patty (on couch, yawning). Why this lapse of hos- pitality, gentle sister, and why the frying-pan ? Doris (a). Hyacinth hasn't come yet. Patty. Does she come by the day ? Doris. She is supposed to. Patty (calmly). Evidently this isn't one of her days. (Jumps up; goes down r.) Let me set the table. Doris (a). That seems to be your line just now. Patty (r.). Doris, please (Comes c.) Doris. I must say, Patty, that I am ashamed of you. Patty (r. c, defiantly). Well, I went to your old dinner-party, didn't I ? Doris. You dressed up like a common waitress, when you knew you had me at your mercy, flirted outrageously with Captain Braithwaite Patty. I did not ! Fred (up a). Oh, no! Doris. Everybody noticed it, and I was so mortified that I decided then and there that you would go home to-day. Patty. Oh, no, Doris, please — I can't bear to miss the garden party to-night. Fred (turning angrily; goes down l.). That's a small enough price for a broken engagement. Patty (r. c). Now you know you were enjoying it yourself, Fred Little, until Miss Braithwaite caught you kissing me, and wouldn't listen to either of us. Stupid thing! Any idiot could tell whether a man was kissing his own sister or some one else's sister without being told. Doris (c). That will do, Patty. Please set the table and we will settle this after breakfast. 26 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM (Goes toward r. u. e.) Patty (goes up c). I'll tell you what we'll do. Let's have breakfast in here on the tea wagon. That will save lots of trouble. Doris (up r.). For once in your life you have had a practical thought. [Exit. Patty (c). Dear me! I don't seem to have made a very good impression. (Goes to Fred, down l., puts hand on his arm.) Now, Fred, do cheer up. She isn't such a fool as to throw over a perfectly good man like you, — especially when they are so scarce. Fred (pushing her away). Go away, you flatterer. You're not popular just now. (Patty goes to r. u. e., makes face at Fred, and exits. Fred paces to r. and back to l. Enter Doris.) Doris (up r.). How long do you want your egg boiled ? Fred (l., absently). Oh, three or four hours. Doris. Hours ! Fred (turning). Did I say hours? Doris. You certainly did. Poor lovesick boy ! Fred. Darn it all, I'm just about crazy. (Crosses R.) Doris. Now, don't worry, it will be all right. [Exit, R. U. E. Fred. Oh, yes, it may come out all right, but in the meanwhile I shall be a fit subject for Danvers. (Goes up l. c. Enter Patty, r. u. e., with tea wagon and break- fast things.) Is that the conventional rig for a waitress, or are you contemplating another role? Patty. I haven't had any yet. We'll be lucky if we get toast. Hyacinth is evidently indisposed. (Pushes wagon down c.) Fred. She'll show up later. Patty. Perhaps she's afraid of the rain. (Puts chairs about tea wagon.) Colors are very fugitive just now, you know ; on account of the war. PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 27 Fred {down to card table l. c, closing table). Well, she doesn't seem to be a fast color. Patty {arranging tea table and laughing). Say, wasn't Miss Dunbar furious with me last night? She was trying her best to fascinate him, and it was terribly exciting to make him smile at me. Fred. But the look Doris gave you when she dis- covered who the fresh little waitress was — wasn't it a scream? {Takes table up R.) Patty (r. c, in mock prayer). Friends are requested not to send flowers. {Laughing.) And she didn't dare give me away because she was anxious to impress the Braithwaites. {Goes back of wagon, arranging plates, etc.) Fred {comes down l. c). Won't Tom be crazy when he finds out that the waitress he flirted with was my sister ? Patty. • Don't you dare tell him ! Fred. Of course I'll tell him. Did you think for a minute you could get by with that? Patty. I could never face him after that, and I never, never could face his sister — oh, heavens ! {Runs out r. 1 e. Fred laughs, goes l., pauses, and then goes to f phone.) Fred {at f phone). Hello, hello, — oh, beg pardon. This blamed line is always busy. I never saw such rotten service. {Crosses down l.) {A series of explosions are heard off r. of stage. Patty runs in r. i e. ) ^ Patty (r.). What was that, for heaven's sake — the Germans ? ( Comes r. c. ) Fred (l.). Ready, aim, fire! Sounds like target practice. I'll go and reconnoitre. {Goes up l. Exit, r. u. e. Patty goes to R. u. e., runs into Fred and Doris entering.) 28 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM Doris. Go and look at the kitchen, Patty. (Exit Patty. Doris sinks in chair r. c. Fred goes down l. Patty reenters, laughing. ) Patty (comes a). What in the world are you trying to do — interior decorating? Doris (seated r. c). Did you ever see anything so funny in your life? Oh, those eggs! Fred (l.). But what were those shots? Doris. Why, the eggs exploded. (Laughs. Patty is c, back of wagon.) Fred. Eggsploded? What do you mean? Doris. You see, I started to boil some eggs, and they must have been some of those we put down in water glass last fall, instead of fresh ones. Fred. But that doesn't explain the pistol shots. Doris. You see, you have to prick a hole in them, if they're the water glass kind, before you boil them. (Patty goes up to window, laughing.) I guess I'd better scramble the rest of them. (Rises.) Fred. By the looks of the kitchen I should say they were scrambled already. Doris (r. c, sighing). Oh, dear, I thought this room looked bad enough, but the kitchen! (Goes toward R. u. e.) Fred (l.). Remember, if they try to go over the top again, send for me. Doris (up r., saluting). Aye, aye, Captain. [Exit. Patty (going to library table, picks up papers, puts under arm and circles stage, crying). Eggstra ! Eggstra ! Morning Eggstra ! (Puts papers down, goes to tea wagon, hands toast and coffee to Fred. Sits r. of wagon. ) Fred (who has been laughing at Patty, comes for- ward and sits at table l.). Thanks— is this a cafeteria affair ? PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 29 Patty. I guess it's a daffyteria affair. Fred (sarcastically). Cunning thing ! Patty. You may as well start in now. Goodness knows what else may happen. Fred. True. But they seem pretty meager rations. Patty. You're lucky to get them. (Drinks coffee and eats toast in silence.) Enter Doris with covered dish, r. u. e. Doris. Well, nothing happened this time, so here you are. (Serves Fred, puts dish on wagon and sits down back of wagon.) Have some, Patty? Patty (passing plate). If you ever hear me refuse anything to eat, you'll know I'm not long for this world. Fred. I pity your husband. Patty. There ain't no such animal. Doris. Wait 'til he asks you. Patty. Oh, but he'll never (Stops in confusion.) Fred. Won't he ever ? Doris. You gave yourself away then. Patty. I didn't say anything. Doris. Of course not. (Winks at Fred.) But any- way, a dignified man like Captain Braithwaite would never propose to a girl who would dress up like a common waitress, flirt outrageously with a strange man, disgrace her sister Patty. Help! Help! Is there a Catholic church near here? Fred. It would take more than a confession to ab- solve you, young lady. (Patty looks meek. They all eat in silence. Door- bell rings. Exit Patty in haste, r. i e. Enter Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Miss Dunbar, l.) Mr. S. Well, good-morning, folks — are you all alive ? (Pauses l. Fred rises; goes to Mr. S. Miss D. crosses back of Doris to r. c.) 30 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM Mrs. S. (crosses to Doris). We had such a lovely time last night — what in the world are you doing? Miss D. (r. c). Breakfast? Doris (seated). Hyacinth hasn't shown up yet. Mrs. S. What a shame ! We ran over to see if you wouldn't go in town to-day. It's such a horrid day we thought we might as well do a little shopping, have lunch and perhaps go to the movies. Doris. But it's pouring. Mrs. S. Oh, it may clear up — I hope so, for the garden party. What does the paper say, Franklin ? Mr. S. (l., consulting paper). Possible showers. Miss D. " Possible showers'" is right. (Goes to win- dow and looks out.) How are you this morning, Captain Little? (Mrs. S. crosses r. of wagon and sits.) Fred (l. c). Rotten. Doris. Fred! Fred. I beg your pardon. I had a bad night (Goes to window.) Miss D. I'm sorry. (Talks to him without response.) Mr. S. Where's Bob? Doris. He took the eight-fourteen and said he'd get his breakfast in town. Mr. S. I thought I'd take him in in the car. Doris. Thank you, Franklin. Mrs. S. (seated r. of wagon). Now, Doris, can't you hustle up and come in with us ? * How about Patty ? Doris. Patty is in disgrace. Mr. S. (l.). That was the greatest stunt. (Laughs.) The scamp ! Mrs. S. I don't see how she ever dared do such a thing. I'm sure I wouldn't. Mr. S. She's pretty, isn't she ? Say — did you see her flirting with Tom Braithwaite? Doris. I did. PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 31 Mr. S. I'll bet she's a handful. Doris. She's more than that. Mother has a nervous breakdown every time Patty goes home for her vacation. Mrs. S. I should think she might. {Laughs.) Mr. S. {consulting watch). Well, if Bob's gone and you girls aren't ready, I'll run along and get the eight- forty. I'll leave the car for you, in case you go in town. {Crosses back of Doris to Mrs. S.) Good-bye, dear. {Kisses Mrs. S. and exits l.) Mrs. S. Good-bye, dear. Isn't he thoughtful? Doris. He certainly is. Mrs. S. Well, Doris, how about going in town ? Doris. I don't see how I can manage it. Hyacinth isn't here, and the house is a sight. The morning after is a painful time. Fred {comes down l.). I'm going to run over and see Helen. [Exit, l. Mrs. S. {rises). I'll tell you what we'll do : we'll wait a while and see if Hyacinth doesn't come, and then run off in town. Doris. But Patty Mrs. S. Take her along. Doris. I told her she'd have to go home to-day. {Rises.) Mrs. S. (r. c). You wouldn't send the poor child home in a pouring rain. She didn't mean to make trouble, I'm sure. Be a good sport, Doris, and give her another chance. Enter Patty, meekly, in morning dress, r. i e.- Doris {back of wagon). Come and help me clear up, Patty. Mrs. S. (r. c). I don't think I have met your sister, Doris. {Shakes hands with Patty. Patty crosses to Miss D., who comes down l. c.) 32 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM Miss D. How do you do, Miss Little? Patty (shaking hands with Miss D.). I guess I'll have to apologize all over again for last night. Mrs. S. (r. c). You needn't, — we'll take it for granted. Really, when I found out who you were, I nearly expired. Doris (back of wagon). So did I. Mrs. S. Well, let's forget it, and make the best of things. Let me help you. (Goes to table.) Doris. Don't bother, Sally. Patty and I can clear up. We'll leave the dishes for Hyacinth to wash when she comes. (Patty takes chair from l. of wagon to l.) Miss D. (l.). Suppose she doesn't come? Doris. She'll come all right. (Takes chair from back of wagon up r. c. Enter Hy., r. u. e.) Well, Hyacinth, so you've come. (Hy. crosses to c. Doris comes down R. c.) Patty (l. c). Why the haste? (Mrs. S. moves to r. front of table.) Hy. (a). Now don't scold me, Mis' Greene. Tse awful sorry to decompose you, an' I wouldn't for any- thin', but I had to go to coort. Doris. To court! Hy. Yas'm. You see dat wuthless nigger, Mose White, done foller me all de ways home las' night, an' he an' George Gray got to argyfyin', an' 'fore I knowed it dey was a-slashin' each odder up, an' I got skeered an' run ober to Mis' Black's, nex' door, an' it was out ob de fryin'-pan into de fire, for dere was Mis' Black lammin' Mr. Black ober de head wid a bran new fryin'-pan dat she jest got for a tin weddin' present. I tells you, Mis' Greene, I knows better dan to hit a nigger ober de head wid anythin' dat can break. I'se had plenty ob 'speri- ments in dat line. Patty (r. of Miss D.). Were they arrested? Hy. -Yas'm, — dat is, Mose an' George got pulled in. PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 33 Dey don't bodder much about argyments between man an* wife. Dey's too common. Doris. Now suppose you clear up, Hyacinth. (Moves chair from r. of wagon to l. of table.) Hy. Yas'm. I'll take out de baby carriage, ma'am. (Takes tea wagon to r. u. e. Smiles at Doris and exits.) Mrs. S. (r.). Isn't she comical? She can give you girls pointers on managing husbands. Patty. I don't intend to marry. (Goes up to piano.) Mrs. S. We all say that when we are sixteen. Patty. But I mean it. (Miss D. goes up to window.) Mrs. S. So did I. Now come on, Doris, and get ready to go in town. Miss D. (at window). I do believe it's clearing up. Patty (running to window). Oh, good! Let's go, Doris, please. Doris. But I can't get ready for an hour at least. Mrs. S. Well, suppose we run home and come back for you in an hour ? Patty {comes down a). Please, Doris. Doris. All right, Sally, we'll go. Patty. Doris, you dear! (Embraces her.) Mrs. S. (crosses l.). Then we'll run along, dear, and be back in an hour. Come, Hope. [Exeunt Mrs. S. and Miss D., l. Doris. Now I'll run out and see about dinner to- night, and you pick up the room a bit. Patty (to l. c). All right, — got an apron, Sis? Doris. I'll get you one. [Exit, r. u. e. Patty. Now if I can only keep out of trouble to-day, I'll be doing well. (Takes card tables out r. u. e. Returns with vacuum cleaner and duster; puts duster on table. Enter Doris with apron, r. u. e. ) Doris (comes down c). Here, Patty, now for pen- ance you may fix up this room. 34 PATTY MARES THINGS HUM (Puts apron on Patty; attaches vacuum cleaner.) Patty (crosses l. c). Yes, ma'am. But I was only hired to wait on table, ma'am, not as parlor maid. Doris. Fresh ! (Turns on cleaner. Exit, r. u. e.) (Patty cleans rug with vacuum cleaner, singing above noise of cleaner a popular song. Moves r. Door- bell rings. Enter Hy., r. u. e. ; goes out L. E. ) Hy. (outside l.). No, sir, Mis' Greene don' want no table-cloths nor nothin' to-day, — what? a cent a piece! I don' care if dey was two fer a cent, she don' want nothin' to-day. (Comes back c, stops and looks at Patty, who is down r.) Patty (turning off cleaner). Was that an Armenian? Hy. (a). Well, he wasn't what you'd call mean ef he was willin' to sell dem han'some table-cloths for a cent a piece. Patty (laughing). Oh, Hyacinth, do tell me some more about your husbands. How did you get rid of your first two? Hy. (c). I only got rid ob de firs', Mis' Patty. De secon' one is dat wuthless Mose White dat I tole you about, who'se always hangin' aroun' tryin' to get some money out ob me. Patty. But surely you are divorced from Mose ? (Sits on edge of table.) Hy. Yas'm, I'se divorced all right. Patty. What did you get your divorce for — non- support ? Hy. Yas'm, miss, dat nigger was so lazy an' so mean dat he nebber eben bought me a ice-cream cone after we got married. Patty. You don't mean it! Now, what about your first, — did he die? Hy. Yas'm, Isoseles, he died. Patty. Isoseles ! PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 35 Hy. Yas'm. Ain't dat a swell name, miss ? You see, his fadder was a powerful bright man, an' he heard dat name, Isoseles, once, an' he done took a fancy to it, an' called his firs' boy Isoseles, — Saucy dey called him fer short, miss. Patty. How original! A sort of human triangle, wasn't it ? Hy. No, miss, dat wasn't what he died of. De doctor tole me plain dat he died ob 'ledum screami.ns, an' you nebber heard sech screamin's as dat Saucy let out. It were a caution. After de funeral was ober I met a lady on de street dat I used to work fer, an' she ask me why was I in mournin', an' I tole her, an' she says, " What complaint, Hyacinth ? " I says to her, " I ain't got no complaint at all. Miss Susie, I'se puffickly satisfied. Ef you'd lived wid dat nigger as long as I hab, you'd be singin' ' Glory Hallelujah ' same's me." (Goes l. chuckling. Enter Doris, r. u. e.) Doris (comes a). Hyacinth, you'd better go and finish the dishes, and not keep Miss Patty from her work. I'll go up-stairs and straighten things out up there. [Exit, R. I E. Patty (jumping down from table). Well, Hyacinth, I hate to have you go, but I suppose you and I have got to get our work done. (Sighs, and straightens things on table.) Hy. (chuckling). Yas, miss, we'se shore got to finish our work. (Exit, r. u. e. Patty turns on cleaner. Door-bell rings. Enter Hy. ; goes to l. e. In hall.) Mornin', Cap'n, — come right in, sir. Enter Captain Braithwaite, followed by Hy. Tom (l. c). Is Captain Little in? (Sees Patty, stops.) Good-morning, Marie. (Hy. crosses to r. u. e. Patty turns and sees him, jumps, turns off electricity.) 36 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM Patty (r. c, meekly). Good-morning, sir. Hy. (up R.). Marie, dat's good. [Exit. Tom (coming c). This is going to be a good day after all. Patty. Yes, sir. (Straightens books on table.) Tom. How long have you been in service, Marie? Patty. Not very long, sir. Tom. You're much too good-looking to be in service. Patty. Well, you're good-looking, and you're in service. Tom (rather taken aback, looks front). Not quite the same service. Patty. We both get paid for it, sir, and we both have to take orders without answering back. Tom. I never thought of that, Marie; you are quite right. (Crosses to l.) Patty. Yes, sir. (Turns back on him and makes face. Takes duster from table. Goes up to piano and dusts. Tom crosses up r. c. to above table.) Tom (above table, after a pause). Have you a family? Patty (turning on him, indignantly). Of course not ! Fm not married. Tom (confused). I — I mean a — a father or mother, you know. Patty. Oh, yes, — I have both, but (sighs) they don't seem to understand me. Tom (sighs). That's always the way. We are al- ways misunderstood. (Walks to fireplace; looks down sentimentally.) Patty. Yes, sir. (Smiles mischievously; pauses.) Tom (crosses to r. c. front of table). Is your father in service too? Patty. Well, he did talk about joining the State Guards, but he's too stout. (Dusting.) Tom. What was that? Patty. Nothing, sir. (Dusts.) Tom. Is he a butler ? PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 37 Patty. Heavens! No, he's— he's a chauffeur. (Aside.) That's what he calls himself, anyway. Tom (goes up a). And your mother, what does she do, my girl? Does she- — er — work, or does she simply " Keep the Home Fires Burning " ? Patty. She runs a sort of day nursery for children whose mothers have to work. (Comes down to chair l. and dusts it.) Tom. I see — a sort of official mother, so to speak? Patty. Yes — so to speak. Tom. That's a beautiful work, isn't it, when you think of it ? Patty (meekly). Yes, sir. (Crosses to table r. c) Tom (c.) . It's a womanly work. Patty. Yes, sir. (Knocks book off table.) Oh, dear, how clumsy of me. (Stoops to pick it up. Tom runs to help her; they bump heads.) Tom (r. c). I'm sorry. Did it hurt much? Patty (holding head, r. of Tom). Not so very much. Tom. Please forgive me, Marie. Patty. I'll try, sir. (Dusts again at table.) Tom (walking nervously to l. and back to a). Isn't there some other work you could do, my girl ? Patty. Don't say " my girl " again. Tom. Why not? Patty. I'm not your girl. (Moves down below table. ) Tom (coming toward her). I wish you were. Patty. . Sir! Enter Hy., r. u. e. Tom. You little tease — you're enough to turn any man's head, even if you are a waitress. Hy. A waitress! My land ob lub, but she's at her tricks again. [Exit chuckling, R. Tom. Marie — how old are you ? Patty. I'm sixteen, sir. Tom. Sweet sixteen. (Sighs; crosses to l. c.) 38 PATTY MAKES THINGS JIUM Patty (aside). I never heard Doris say that. (Aloud.) Excuse me, sir, I have to do this room. (Starts cleaner again; chases him seriously around the room, to his great discomfiture.) Tom (l. c). Merciful heavens, what a racket that thing makes. ( Patty goes on stolidly cleaning. ) Marie, will you stop that infernal noise? It drives me mad. Patty (shouting). And you used to guns and every- thing, sir. (Chases him up l. c.) Tom (down r. and crossing l. c. ; shouting). They can't compare with a vacuum cleaner. Patty (c). Oh, well, it takes a while to get used to it. Tom (goes to her and takes handle out of her hand). How do you stop the blamed thing ? Patty. This way, sir. (Turns it off.) Tom (puts cleaner out of way up r.). Where is Cap- tain Little, Marie? Patty. He's gone to see your sister. (Crosses to piano.) Tom (up r. a). It's strange I didn't meet him. Patty. Perhaps he went another way. (Dusts.) Tom. Possibly. (Goes to table, picks up magazine, sits in chair l. of table and pretends to read. Patty ar- ranges music ; puts duster on piano. Tom, rather pom- pously and slowly. ) War is a great leveler, isn't it, Marie ? I mean in regard to classes. When we come to think of it, we're all brothers and sisters. Just because some of us happen to inherit sufficient money to educate ourselves more than some others, we grow up with the idea that we are superior to those with fewer advantages. We are just beginning to realize that money and education and social position are not the most vital things in the world. We English have always been great sticklers for class, you know, but hang it all, people ought to be classed ac- cording to their good intentions, rather than by the title or the money which some one else earned* PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 39 Patty (at piano). But your sister, Captain Braith- waite, — does she share your views on the subject? Tom. Well, I can't say. We've never talked much about such things; in fact, we've never talked much to- gether anyway — brothers and sisters never do, you see. Patty. *I see. Wouldn't you like me to be a sister to you ? Tom (rising eagerly; goes up to her). I'll tell you what I'd like you to be Patty. I know! (Backing against piano.) Tom (up c. ; taken aback). What Patty. If I can't be a sister to you I'll be a god- mother. You know all the girls are adopting soldiers now, and being godmothers to them. Don't you think I'd make a lovely godmother ? Tom. Well, really — this is rather surprising. Patty. I knew I'd shock you. Tom. I'm not shocked. Patty. Oh, yes, you are. I really must go now, — I have loads of things to do. (Turns to pick up duster.) Tom. But I'll see you soon? Enter Doris, unobserved, r. i e. ; she goes up r. of couch. Patty. That depends. Tom. On what? (Goes toward piano.) Patty. On me. Tom. What do you mean? ^ Patty. You wouldn't understand. But, anyway, Captain Braithwaite, I've adopted you whether you want me to or not. Tom (catching her hands). Marie! Doris (comes above table to a). That will be about all now, Marie. You may go. (Tableau.) CURTAIN ACT III SCENE. — Garden, with lanterns strung about Table r. c, chair above it. Garden seat or settee L. Girls in white gowns with red crosses on arms go about with baskets, selling candy; namely, Patty, Mrs. Smith and Miss Dunbar. Doris is seated at back of table on r. c. of stage, where girls come to replenish baskets and turn in money. A phonograph is played off back to imitate orchestra. (Fred is pacing back and forth before table, R. c, where Doris is seated, counting money and writing in note-book.) Fred {crossing to r. front of table). It's no use, — she won't listen to me. I've called her up and gone to the house, and she won't see me or listen to me. It puts me in a terribly embarrassing position when people ask me where she is. (Crosses l.) Fm just about crazy. Enter Mr. Greene, r. u. e. Bob (comes down c). That's perfectly apparent. Fred (l., turning). Well, have you, any suggestions to make about restoring my sanity ? Bob (a). That's a hopeless task as long as you are in love. (Crosses to Doris.) We old married people can laugh at you, can't we, Doris? These lovers' quar- rels are very painful — while they last. Fred (comes a). v Well, you had yours, too. Re- member the night Doris danced with Phil Lane oftener than you liked? (Goes up l.) Doris. I never knew you had a temper before that night. Bob. You certainly were the worst flirt. (Goes to back of Doris.) Doris. I'm glad you put it in the past tense. 40 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM Fred (up l.). I never knew Helen was jealous. Doris. Most women are — and all men. 4* (Looks at Bob, wickedly.) Fred (comes down L.). I don't see why Tom hasn't come — he promised he would. Do you suppose she's told him ? (Paces back and forth. Goes up l. and down l. c.) Bob. Why don't you call him up and get him to listen to you ? Fred. I'll do it. (Rushes toward lie.) If I can only make Tom see the joke he'll explain to Helen, and everything will be all right. Gee, I didn't sleep a wink last night. [Exit, R. 1 E. Doris. Poor Fred! Bob (goes c, mocking her). Poor Fred! They'll make it up all right, don't you worry. (Goes l.) Doris. But I feel terribly about it. That dreadful Patty Bob (l.). Why, where is Patty? Enter Mr. Smith, r. u. e. Goes c, Patty running after him. Patty (up r. c). Mr. Smith! Wait a minute. Mr. S. (up c, turning). What is this? Now, my dear girl, I've bought four boxes of candy already, and my doctor has forbidden me to eat it. So, can't you show a little mercy? Patty. Why, we don't expect you to eat all you buy — it's for the Red Cross, you know. Mr. S. I guess I'd have to have a Red Cross nurse look after me if I did. Oh, well, I suppose I'll have to buy another. (Puts hand in pocket; gives bill. Patty hands box to him. ) Patty. Oh, Mr. Smith, how generous of you. (Comes down r. c.) 42 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM Mr. S. (comes down on her l.). But surely you'll give me some change? Patty (r. c). No change given this evening, sir. (Curtseys.) Mr. S. Good lord, girl — that was a five dollar bill — (looks at box, ruefully) and this is a ten-cent box of candy. Patty. Oh, well, all the better. Thanks ever so much. (Dances over to table; goes to r. of Doris.) Look, Doris — Mr. Smith gave me a five dollar bill. Mr. S. (going toward table) . This is the biggest hold-up game I've run across this year. You can't go anywhere now with any comfort unless you expect to get rid of all your money. Patty (r. of Doris). Well, you needn't complain, Mr. Smith. Bob says you're making piles of money in steel. Bob (l., laughing with Mr. Smith and Doris). There — I guess that will hold you, old man. (Mr. S. crosses to r. front of table.) Patty (crosses to c). Oh, Bob, have you grabbed yet? Bob (l.). Have I what? Patty. There's the most wonderful grab over there (points back of stage) you ever saw. Miss Braithwaite's aunt is in charge of it— you must see it. Mr. S. (r.). Where is Miss Braithwaite this even- ing? I haven't seen her. Patty. She had a terrible headache to-day, you know — one of those that makes you so sick you just have to go to bed. Mr. S. What a shame. (Goes up r. of table; Bob and Doris are convulsed; they go up stage a little. ) Enter Fred, r. i e. Fred (dejectedly). I can't get him — he isn't there. (Crosses L.) Oh, darn it all! PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 43 Mr. S. (above Doris). What's the trouble ? Fred (l.). I was just trying to get Tom Braithwaite. Mr. S. I suppose you wanted to find out how the headache is. Fred. Headache ? Whose headache ? (Goes up l. c. by r. end of settee.) Patty (a). I told Mr. Smith about poor Helen's headache, and naturally you want to know how she is. (Crosses to r. front of table.) If I could only leave I'd run over and see her myself. Doris. I guess you'd better stay here. (Enter Tom, l. 1 e. Bob is up l. c. Mr. S. crosses to c.) Why, here is Captain Braithwaite now. Good-evening, Cap- tain. We've been looking for you, and Fred has been trying to reach you by telephone. [Exit Patty, hastily, r. i e. Tom (l., looking wonderingly after Patty). Good- evening, Mrs. Greene. (Crosses; shakes hands with Bob and Mr. S. ; crosses to. Fred, who is l.) May I speak with you alone? (They move to l. of stage.) Mr. S. I suppose we may as well go and see that wonderful grab Patty told us about. [Exeunt Mr. S. and Bob, r. u. e. Fred (l.). I didn't sleep a wink last night. Tom (r. of Fred). I don't wonder. Of all things — Helen told me just now, and I The Americana II 1^ hrs. 25C Free Anita's Trial II 2 " •25C « Art Clubs are Trumps 12 K " 25c « > Behind the Scenes 12 !JS u 25C « The Camp Fire Girls 15 2 <* 25C a A Case for Sherlock Holmes IO 1/2 " 25C tt The Farmerette 7 2 « 25C " Getting the Range 8 J A " 25C u Her First Assignment 10 1 « I S C - y Hitty's Service Flag 11 iX " 25c " ► Joint Owners in Spain 4 # " 25 c #5-00 A King's Daughter 11 2 « 25c Free ► ► The Knitting Club Meets 9 # " 25c £ " l 5 c tt 4 4 The Elopement of Ellen 4 3 2 « 25c tt Engaged by Wednesday 5 11 Ij£ " 25c tt The Farmerette 7 2 " 25c tt 4 4 For One Night Only 5 4 2 " . 15c tt Hamilton 11 5 2 « 5OC Special fiigbee of Harvard 5 4 2 " 15c " Free 4 4 Hitty's Service Flag 11 IX " 25c tt The Hoodoo 6 12 2 " 25c tt The tiurdy Ourdy Girl 9 9 2 " 25c « 4 4 Katy Did 4 8 1)4 " 25c tt > Let's Get Married 3 5 2 " 5OC Special London Assurance 10 3 2 " 15c Free 4 i Lost a Chaperon 6 9 2 " 25c " > > The Man from Brandon 3 4 l A " 1 5 C tt The Man Who Went 7 3 2)4 « 25c Special i 4 The Man Without a Coun ry 46 5 I# " 25c Free > > Master Pierre Patelin 4 1 IJ£ " 50c « Me and Otis 5 4 2 « I5C << 4 4 The Minute Man l 3 1^ « 25c u > ► Mose 11 10 Ij£ " 15c li • Mr. Bob 3 4 I# « I 5 C " 4 4 Mrs. Briggs of the Poultry Yard 4 7 2 " 25c it Nathan Hale 15 4 2^ " 50C $.10.00 Nephew or Uncle 8 3 2 " 25c Free 4 Professor Pepp 8 8 2)4 « 25c tt A Regiment of Two 6 4 2 " 25C " 4 The Revenge of Shari-Hot-Su 3 4 I# " I5C tt i The Rivals 9 5 2^ " I5C tt 7 4 The Romancers 5 1 2 " 25c tt The Rose and the Ring 16 5 *K " 2 5C tt 4 4 Sally Lunn 3 4 I# " 25c tt The School for Scandal 12 4 2^ " I5C a She Stoops to Conquer 15 4 2^ " 15c tt 4 4 Step Lively 4 10 2 " 25c " The Submarine Shell 7 4 2 " 25c Special The Thirteenth Star 9 I# « 25c Free 4 4 The Time of His Life 6 3 2% « 25c tt Tommy's Wife 3 5 i# « 25c tt The Twig of Thorn 6 7 1^ " 60c tt 4 For " special " royalties , see catalogue descriptions for 4 detailed information. r 4 BAKER, 5 Hamilt on Place f Boston, Mass, B f l Si i r " If " If Tf ^f « tf -«y'inr-Mr' W| i y yM yM ^ y F^TfT J T ■■ ■ » »» ■ ■» * tf '^Kt