K/7 HoUinger Corp. pH 8.5 PS 3507 J6 1917 ^®Py 1 A Rural Comedy in One Act THE JONESVILLE BOARD OF ASSESSORS By Harry M. Doty Chatham, N. Y. Price Fifteen Gents THE JONESYILLE B OARD OF ASSESSORS if a feller ain't no fisherman or don't have the right kind of bait. Brings — Wall, if Bije gits her I don't know of no better way to even things up with Yam and her than by l>ein' an assessor and that's why I'm goin' to stay on this board if I can until I see how things turn out. Simp. — ^Good luck to you I'll help you all I can. Perhaps it'll come just right so I can put in a good word for you with the widder. Me and her is pretty good friends. Briggs — I'll help too, but this liain''t no board of strategy on love aiffairs and if we're goin' to come to an understandin' among ourselves about some of these assessments, we'd better be at it becuz folks will be beginnin' to come in here before long and we want to know what we're goin' to do. Less git our books and kinder compare notes. Briggs — That suits me. (All take small books from their pockets.) Simp. — ^On my book I've increased Ez. Green's assessment five hundred dollars. Briggs — Why is that? He hain't made no improvements the past year, has he? Simp. — Don't know as he has, but a while ago he made the awfulost TOW you ever heard tell of when one of my cows broke down his fence and got into his com about fifteen min- utes. Didn't do hardly no damage at all. I tell you I won^t have no man talkin' to me the way he talked. I just want to even up with him. Phibbs — All, right, that stands so fer as I'm concerned becuz I've got one or two little things I want to set- tle myself. Briggs — 'Me too. I don't mind tellin' you that the principal reason I got on this board was to git even with iSol. Stebbins. I got sick and tired of bein' pestered with his duns fer a little store bill of fifty dollars. I knew he didn't need the money and as I was a leetle short up, I wan't in no pertickler hurry about payin\ Got 60 I had to hear about that bill every time I went to the store. Got a catalogue from Wardgomery and Sawbuck and I noticed their prices wuz below hizzen so I sent thirty dol- lars and got some stuff. He saw me loadin' it down to the freight house and two or three days afterward he sued m.e fer that bill. When I paid it , I told him it is a gosh blamed long" road that don't have no turn in it and that I hoped to live long enoug^h to git even with him. On my book I've jacked up his assessment a thousand dollars. Simp — It kin stand so far as I'm concerned. Phibbs— All right, I'm with you both if youlie v/ith me. I've chalk- ed an increase cf five hundred against Abe Jackson. Dum him, he bought THE JONESYILLE B OARD OF ASSEiSiSORiS that there second-hand automobile and he hadn't had it more'n two or three days before my folks was a pesterin' me and I've got to buy one in order to git any peace of mind . I guess that five hundred increase '11 make him stop and think afore he puts anything like that auto deal over on me again. Briggs — Seems to me that's kinder far fetched. I don^t see as he was: tiyin* to- do anything to you when he bought the machine. Phibbs— That don't make no dif- ference. If he hadn't a bought it, my folks wouldn't have thoughj; of askin' me fer one. Besides that, I never liked him very well, anj^vay. Simp. — All right. I see Wiggins has painted that hog pen of hissen so I've added fifty there . iMakes his place worth more. Briggs — And I see HaAvkins has set out some trees on that patch near his house so I've added a hundred to his valuation becuz he's goin' to have an orchard. Simp. — Yes, he's goi,n to have it if the trees live but he hain't got it yet.. Briggs — ^He may some time or oth- er so why not m.ake the increase now and have it over with. Besides if we don't increase a^ dozen or so assess- ments folks will say we didn't do nothin' but copy the old lists. Simp — Wall, there's suthin' in that, I'll adm.it. Phibbs — I don't believe we'll be called on to do any explaining to any of them folks today becuz they ain't been increased before and non^ of 'em ain't been before us on grievance day Since I've been on the board. Briggs — Prob'ly not but we'd bet- ter agree to stand together if they do come. Simp. — All right, count on me. Phibbs— Me too. | (Enter Alexander Scroggins) ! Briggs— Hello, Zan. How be ye. Alex. — Oh, 'bout middlin'. Tli ought I'd jest drcp in and see if you've jacked me up enough so's I'll have to git out bankruptcy papers. Simp — (Looking at book). No Zan., no change in your assessm^nt. We ain't fergot who takes cider, ap- ple and doughnut pity on tired asses- sors on a hot day. Alex. — Much obleeged, boys. Send m.e word a day or two before you're comin' out to my place this year and mebbe we can scratch together a leetle suthin more in the provender liriie fer you, that is if the grubs and worms or suthin' else don't git it be- fore I do. Briggs — I hear you've bought a si-' ]o{ built a new milk house and are goin' to iput one of them new-fangled hay forks in the bam. Alex. — Yessir, and that ain't all, not by a jug full. I'm a goin to- — but THE JONEiSVILLE BOARD OF ASISElSSORS hold on here, never mind what I'm goin* to do. Tain't much anyway., not worth assessin'. You fellers needn't bring your specs along when you come out to my place. ILockin' too hard is likely to give a man a headache, you know. Phibbs — Ain't goin' to commit yourself, be ye Zan. ? Alex — ^Not if I know if, but I come pretty blame near it then. Guess I'll mosey along home afore I do some talkin' that might be expensive. So long, boys. See you later. (Exit Alex.) Simp.— 'No flies on Zan. He's a sharp one. Briggs — You bet he is and we can't afford to cross him, nuther. He controls about all the votes in his neighborhood and we don't want him agin' us at election time. Phibbs — You said a mouthful that time. (Enters Jabez Johnson) Jabez — iMorin', ev'i-ybody. Thought I'd just drop in and see what you've got chalked up agin' me this year in the way of valuation. Kinder want Iw know if you hard-hearted wretches (laughs) has got me on the way to the poorhouse. Simp. — Guess there ain't no danger of your takin' that road this year. Jabez, we hear you got $3.50 a bush- el fer them five hundred bushels of pertaters you held through the win- ter. Jabez — ^Now who in thunder told you that? You assessors are reg'ler mind readers. Phibbs — Ain't it true about the pertaters ? Jabez — No, leastwise not quite. I only got $3.43 a bushel . Darn buyer took off two per cent fer cash. Simp. — (Figuring on envelope.) Then we'll have to assess you just $1705 personal property. , Jabe — No, no, gosh a-mighty, no. I ain't got the money. I spent it. Briggs--What for? Jabe — ^Have I got to tell that? Simp. — ^Certainly. Jabe — Well, I bought a tin Lizzie. Phibbs— That didn't take all the money unless you bought a gold- plated one. Jabe— No, it didn't, but I had to fix up the house and bam — I mean I had to have some things in the house and barn. The auto ain't assessable and things in the house ain't. No, I ain't got no personal property ex- cept what the lavv^ allows, honest I ain't. You just leave the assessment where it is or cut it down a leetle arid it'll be all right. Now that I've told you all about it, I* shouldn't think it would be necessary for you to come cut to my place when you're asses- sin' agin'. It's quite a stretch out there in hot weather and I ain't got THE JONESVIIjLE B OARD OF AiS'SEiSSORS much worth assessin' anyway. You know bildin's run down awful fast nowadays, specially when a feller <:'an't git together enough to fix 'em up. Simp. — ^Well, we won't cross jio bridges until we git to 'em. We may not be on the board next year. Jabe — Ain't ye goin' to run agin*? Simp. — That's too far ahead to think about now. Jabe— Well, if you do and if you treat me right, you kin count on my vote and mebbe I could find one or two more for you. Briggs — ^Thank, you, Jabe, we may need your help. Jabe — Well, in politics we folks has got to kinder stand together as the feller said. But just remember, it won't be necessary for you to come out to my place. I'll keep you posted on anything I do that's of any ac- count . So long. (Exit Jabe.) Phibbs — Jabe's a slick one. What do you 'spose he'd do if he was as- sessed where he really ought to be? S?mp — ^Do? He'd have more kinds of apoplexy that you can find in all the doctors' books. (Enter Israel Jones) Israel — ^Mcmin', everybody. Was goin' by so I thought I'd just drop in and see if you've got any elevatin' idees this year. How's that fer a joke? Perty good, ain't it? As- sessors sometimes like to elevate val- ues, you know. See the point? Got to have my little fun. Wan't serious when I said it but bein' I'm here guess I'll just ask if you've changed the figgers on my property any. Briggs — ^Why ? Had they ought to be changed? Israel — ^Changed! Gosh all hem- locks, no, not if you mean raised* Ought to be lowered I think. Simp. — (Consulting bock) No, we havn't changed them although I guess we ought to add about a hundred fer that piece of land you bought of Johnson a few months ago. Israel— What! That patch of bogs and swamp! Phibbs — If it wasn't any good what made you buy it? Israel — Just w^anted to straighten out my farm line. I don't place hardly no value on it at all. Briggs— You paid $200 for it Israel— Yes, I know I did but I just told you what I wanted it for. It's worth more to me than to any- body else. Simp. — ^I was by your place the other day and I saw your cows pas- turin' in that lot. Looked to me like perty good land. Israel — Looks is deceivin', looks is deceivin', 'Tain't good fer nothin'. Couldn't raise anything on it *cep- LO THE JONElSVILUE B OARD OF ASSEiSISOElS tin' an umbrella. How's that fer a joke, eh? Just turned the cows in there that day becuz I didn't have no other place for 'em just then. Phibbs — Ain't it kinder risky to turn cows into swamp and hog land, specially with cows costin' what they do now? Israel — Well, now yon see — that is — I mean — say, what 'n Sam Hill are you fellers ti-yin' to g-it at anyway? You don't doubt my word, do you ? Briggs — Of course not, Israel, we've got to believe ycu becuz every •ther farmer tells the assessors the same story and what everybody says must be true. Israel — I don't know notKin' about noboddy else's land but I do know about my own. Say, can't you clip just a little off my assessment? Times is mighty hard. Simp. — ^Couldn't think of it, Israel. Israel — Great guns! Hain't goin' to raise it, be ycu ? Phibbs — No, we won't raise it this year. Perhaps we will next year when we git a chance to go out and look your place over a little more care- fully. Israel — Now of course, I'd just as leave have you come as not, but ther 2 really ain't no need of it I'm here most every day and when assessin' time comes I can tell you all about my farm and save you a trip. I'd be glad to do you a good turn like that. Briggs — All right, Israel, jve'll ses about it when the time comes. Israel — It won't be no trooible at all you know. Good day. (Exit Israel.) Simp, — I can see that any time wi want to give Israel the shakes wors-i 'n the a^e ever did, all we got to do is to tell him we're goin' to mak^ him a visit. (Enter 'Mehitable Dean) Phibbs — Good morning. Miss Jean» Have a chair (Places chair for her. Miss Dean sits) Mehit — ^"Good morning Mr. Phib^'S. and iMr. Briggs and 'Mr. Simpkins.. Just thought I'd drop in and se'i aboliit my assessment. Would >oi mind telling me whether there hai- been any change since last year? Briggs — Certainly not, Miss Dean. Just wait a moment and I'll look it up. (Opens bock) No, same as last year. That will be satisfactory., won't it? Mehit — I suppose it will have to be if you say so, but I would really like to have a little change made. Simp. — Well, I dunno. Miss Deano Seem.s to me we ain't got you none? too hig-h as property goes in this sec- tion. Mehit — No, I don't think you have. Phibbs — Then what is c unsatisfac- tory about it? I don't just get your idee. THE JONBSVILLE B OARD OF ASSESSORS II MeMt — I was hopin' you wovild raise it. Briggs, Simp and Phibbs (In un- ison — What! (Mehi table starts vi- olently.) Mehit — ^Mercy! Hew you frighten- ed me. Simp. — IR-Iiss Dean, would you mind sayin' that again? Mehit — I wuz sayin' I rather hop-d you had raised my assessment. Phibbs — What in tarnation is the matter with my. ears? I've got ,o I can't hear things straight. Briggs — I guess I must be in the same fix. Miss Dean, did I undi^r- stand you to say you want your as- sessment raised? Did you say raised ? .'Mehit — Ygs, that's what I said. Is there anything 7.0 very u'ljbual about that ? Briggs — Unusual! I should say there is. Miss Dean, you^re makhi' history. This is the first time this request has been made since No'&h built the ark and that's several sum- mers ago. Mehit — ^Well, I'm surprised. Phibbs — iSo 'm I, so gel blasted sur- prised that I don't know whether I'm afoot or a horseback. Simp. — ^How much do you want it raised? You're assessed for $4,00t\ Mehit— ^Could you make it $8,000 ? Briggs— What! Double? Why I — ^wcll, say, if I ain't clean beat. Phibbs — iMiss Dean, there ain't na insanity in your family, is there? Mehit — Indeed not. Why do yoa ask that? Phibbs — ^^Becuz no assessor ever heard anything like this afore. Simp. — ^Why do you want your as- sessment increased? You ain':; got nothin' new on your place this year that wari't there last year, have ye"^ Mehit" — (Uneasily) I can't answer that question, really I can't, but I've got good reason fer wan tin' it in- creased. Briggs — By jimminy, you must have to make such a request as that. Mehit — Ycu'U do it, Vv'on't you? Phibbs — Certainly, if you want it that way but, say — well, I'm clean beat. Mehit — Thank you so much (Rises) Perhaps next year 111 want it reduced again. I hope so anyway. Good morning. (Exit Mehitable) Simp — ^Well, what do you think of that? Briggs— Think ! I don't think. I can't. I never was so taken back in all my life. Phibbs — Say, fellers, I've got an. idee. Simp — Glad you have, I hain't, not since this experience. Briggs — What's the idee? Less, have it. 12 THE JO^.ESWIJLE B OAUD OF ASSESSORS Phibbs — ^You know it's more or less town talk that she's kinder sweet on Lon Sniffin'. Guess if 'twas leap year she'd propose to him. Lon hain't leanin' her way quite enough to suit her and I'll bet I see her scheme to git him to take more in- terest in the Mehitable member of the Dean family. Lon's collector this year fer the first time and, of course, he'll have to read all the as- sessments. She's sharp enough to "know that and she thinks when he runs agin' that there $8,000 valuation of hers, he'll set up and take 'consid- erable notice. He may think a wo- man assessed fer as much property as that, half of it personal, hain't to be sneezed ex after aV. See the point.? Sim!) — By jocks, I b;.'i.'V3 y(u're right and I'll bet it works, too. And she thinks it'll do the business prompt. I>id you hear her say she mig'ht want it reduced again next year? iShe's got it figgered that just one dose'll land him. Briggs — ^And if it don't, she'll try suthin' else. Just ain't no use fer a man to try to git away when a wo- man as old as Mehitable and as bright as she is, makes up her mind she wants him. Phibbs— That's right. Well, good luck to her. Lon might do a heap worse. (Enter Mrs. Doclittle.) Simp — ^Good momin', Mrs. Doolit- tle, what can we do for you? Mrs. D. — 'Taint what you can do that I'm here to see about. It's what you have done. Briggs — I don't exactly understand. Mrs. D. — You don't want to under- stand. You know well enough what I mean. I hear you've increased my assessment $500. Is that so? Phibbs — (Looking at book) Yes, Mrs. Doolittle, that's the amount. Surely you don't take exception to it ? Mrs. D. — I don't, hey. ^ I suppose I should let you three drive me into the poorhcuse and then thank you fer it. I want to know why that $500 has been tacked on. Simp — Becuz you put up a new wagon house, painted all your build- ings, got a new <.nni house and fixed over the cow stable. Must have spent $2,000 anyway and we've only added $500. Mrs. D. — Eyesight was monstrous good w^lien you was out my way, wasn't it? Just becuz I've li< d my place so it looks half way decent and respectable and made that part of the town more attractive, I've got to be the same as fined fer doin' it, hev I? It's a wonder to me any- body ever spreads ,a drop of paint or dees anything else in the way of im- provement in these parts. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. THE JONESVILLE B OARD OF ASSESSORS 13 Briggs — Certainly, Mrs. Doolittle, you are not assessed out of propor- tion to other property. Mrs. D. — I don't know nor care anything about that. I ain't here to fight anybody else's battles but my own. It keeps me pretty busy look- in' after my own business, 'specially when they's a board of assessors or somebody else waitin' to gouge me at every turn. I'll bet if my Sol. was alive, you wouldn't be so fast to raise our assessment. Let me see that assessment book. Phibbs — Certainly, Mrs. Doolittle. (Pointing) Here is your assessment this year and last year. Mrs. D. — It ain't my assessment I'm lookin fer, it's youm. Phibbs—Mine! Mrs. D. — ^Yes, youm. I've hearn tell that while you raised other folkses assessments you lowered your own. (Looks closely at book) Well, I ain't been lied to. Here 'tis (Read- ing) "Jonathan Phibbs, last year $2,000, this year $1,500." (Turns pages) "Ebenezer Simpkins, last year $2,200, this year $1,700. Passed out $500 reductions to yourselves and ev- ened things up by addin' $500 to as- sessments of poor, lone, unprotected wimmen. And everj^ one of you has made more improvements than I have this year. To begin with, Ez. Simpkins, that place of youm is worth a lot more'n $2,200 and you know it. Last year you refused $4,- 000 fer it. Simp. — I didn't want to sell. Mrs. D. — Fiddlesicks! Didn't want to sell, 'fou'd sell the sh'rt off your back if someone offered you more'n you paid. I know you well enough to know that if someone offered you $4,000' fer suthin' you knew wan't worth more'n $2,200, you'd take 'em up so quick it would make their heads swim. Don't talk to me. Briggs — I don't see what that has to do with your assessment. Mrs. D. — ^Course you don't. None is so blind as them as won't see. And now about you Jon. Phibbs. That place of yourn you paid $3,000 for and you've bought on more land since. Now you've whittled down the assessment to $1,500. Do you call that square? Think I can't see what you men are doing? Well, X guess. Now, Hez. Briggs, FU just see what you grabbed when the plum basket was bein' passed. (Turns pages) Here it is. I thought so. I'll make you an offer right here and now of $5,000 fer that farm. What do you'say: Will you take it? Briggs — ^No, I don't want to sell. Mrs. D. — Didn't expect you would. 1 wouldn't sell the place fer that either if I owned it but here you've had it down fer $2,600 last year and $2,100 this year. Scissored off just $500. 14 THE JONESVILLE BOARD OF ASSESSORS Briggs — I didn't do it. Mrs. D. — Course you didn't. The other two done it for you in exchange fer what you done fer th^m. It's as clear as a trout brook how it come about. Land sakes, if you men stay on this board a few years more, you'll' git your own assessments off the books entirely and wi'll have the rest of us payin' you fer leavin' your land and bildins in the town. Phibbs — ^Now, really, Mrs. Doolit- tle— Mrs. D.— None of your palaverin*. Don't "really" me. I come here to do business and I want to tell you suthin' and that is if the $500 you tacked onto my assessment ain't took off right here and. now, I'm goin' to do. some talkin' right out loud where eveiybody in town can hear it and the subject of my remarks is goin' to be them reductions you've made fer yourselves while you've raised nearly everybody else. Come, now. What be you goin' to do ? Simp. — ^Mi^ DooUttle, we don't want nobody dissatisiiea if we can help it therefore I guess we'll scratch off that raise in your assessment this year anyway. Mrs. D: — ^I thought you'd lissen to reason before I got through. Now, mind you, if when taxpayin' time conies, them figgers ain't the same as last year, there's i^oin' to ^e consid- erable of an explosion and I'll be the one to light the fuse. Good day. (Exit IMrs. Doolittle.) Phibbs— Gosh! Simp — ^Jimminetty ! Bri ggs — ^Wh ew ! Phibbs — I believe she'd a dene it. Simp— ^Course she would. Briggs — ^We can't afford to have no- hornet's nest like that stirred up. Phibbs — No siree, not by a long shot. Simp — ^Talk about your poor, lone, unprotected widders. She certainly done a perty good jo(b protectin' her- self: Briggs — I should say she did. No wonder Sol. Doolittle gave up the ghost if he had to hear such goins on as that every day. Phibbs — Ever stop to think what's goin' to happen when she and other women like her git to votin* ? Things in this here town is goin' to be all turned' bottom side up. First thing we know ail the assessors will be women and then I guess therell be som« complaints on grievance ^day. Can you picture Mrs. Doolittle si» chairman, or rather chairwoman of the board of assessors? Simp — I suppose I could picture it, but r don't want to. Gee whiz! What would my assessment rise t» then? THE JONESVILLE B OAED OF ASSESSORS 16 Briggs — Probably it would at least go up that |500 she was talkin* about. Phibbs — ^Yes and the raise would be several times $500. Simp — I tell you what let's do. I^et's elect wimmen to the offices of constable and poundmaster, I mean constablesses and pound mistresses, when they git to votin'. Guess they wouldn't hanker after them offices. Phibbs — I ain't so sure about that. If there's more of 'em like Mrs. Doolittle, they wouldn't balk at ar- restih' a tramp or leadin' a stray cow to the town pound. Simp — Another thing's sure. There won't be any more secret meetins' of the town board when the wimmen git to holdin' office. Briggs — ^Hcw's that? Simp — ^How could them wimmer keep from tellin' all about it? Phibbs — A little more publicity ahout town board matters in some towns wouldn't hurt nuthin', would it? Briggs — ^No, it wouldn't, not a bit. Simp — I met Tom Jenkins, the town clerk, the other day and he says his goin' to see to it that when the wimmen. ^^it. to votin' all the bal- lots is printed on perfumed paper of different colors for the benefit of the ladies. Said he realizes no one color of paper or any one perfume would please 'em all so he's gimi' to bave a variety and let 'em take their choice when they git to the polls. Phibbs — Guess Tom must be mak- in' a bid for bein' the most popular man in town. Briggs — If I run fer assessor again, I'm goin' to put a dish of fudge in each votin' booth and let the wimmen know I did it. If that don't git seventy-five per cent, of their votes for me, then 111 miss my guess. Phibbs — ^^Speakin' of fudge, makes me think of eatin', (Looks at his watch) It's gittin* along towards dinner time. Suppose we go and get a leetle snack of suthin or other. I never could stand another hurricane like that one of Mrs. Doolittle's 'cep- tin' on a full stomach. Simp — I'm with you. Briggs— Me, too. (All Exit) ; CURTAIN * ; 1 j CONGRESS I=la3ra lo-y TSLe^xxy^ 3^. IDot37": In Old New England Four-act rural comedy. A clean, pure and wholesome play. Now in its fourth edition. 25 cents a copy. Sacketts' Corner Folks Four-act rural comedy. Similar to "In Old New England" Adapted to small stages. Simple scenery 25 cents a copy. ONE-ACT HUMOROUS PLAYS Afternoon 15 cents a copy. Spriggins' * 'Quiet" It turned out to be anything but quiet The Jonesville Sewing Circle They did some sewing but not much. 15 cents a copy. The Jonesville Grange Initiation A burlesque. No horse play. Buy this, sure. 1 5 cents a copy. The Jonesville Board of Assessors It tells some thmgs you've suspected. 15 cents a copy. The Jonesville Experience Meeting How the ladies earned Iheir dollars. 15 cents a copy. HUMOROUS RECITATIONS "Nothing Serious" Compiled by H. M. Doty. A book of carefully selected hu- morous reauings and recitatioris. This book will be found very valuable by those who wish to provide entertainment in connection vath regular meetings of granges or other organi- zations. The selections are new, appropriate and up-to-date. Price 25 cents a copy. Send all orders to HARRY M. DOTY, Chatham, N. Y. 018 602 844 Hollinger Corp. pH 8.5 ^ LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 018 602 844 2 /