DO WS PATENT SERMONS. BY DOW, JR Jirst Strits. P I) i I a Ir e I p I) t a : T. B. PETERSON AND BROTHERS, 806 CHESTNUT STKEKT. fSxsn r.iireied, according to Act of Congress, in the yearlSST, bj T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, in .ind fi>r th« Kustern District of Pennsylvania. 48 65 5 5 AUG 14 1942 SHORT PATENT SERMONa ON LUCK. Text. — There is no luck at all for me, However much I strive ; Upon my soul, I think I am Th' unluckiest man alive. M/ Hearers: we are all children of chance: some of us are kindly favored by fortune ; some seem to be the victims ol fat(; ; and others, neither the one thing nor the other — knocked about from pillar to post; with here a streak of fat luck, and there a streak of the leanest kind. But, brethren, every one of us is lucky in one respect : that is, in getting into this living and breathing world. Our being born is but the result of accident, after all, philosophize as you may upon the subject. What a glorious es- cape have we made from remaining for ever in the womb of non- entity! Let us congratulate one another, then, that we have the lot of living, moving, and having a being upon this terraqueous globe. My friends : niany of you imagine that you are born to ill-luck, and seem to strive your prettiest to foster your ridiculous fancies. You will have it that others reap richer harvests from the tields of chance than yourselves : that, when "t rains bean porridge, vour dishes are always bottom upwards — when it snows Genesee flour, the wind blows it to your neighbor's door — and when it haila tailed corn, you have no milk to eat it with. You find a pista- .•een in the street : ' Just my luck !' you exclaim, as you pock«"t the disappointment — 'if anybody else had found it, it would havf been a quarter, sure.' If you feel for a knife in the dark, amoiijr a peck ot knives and forks, you are certain to get hold of a fork. iVhatever you do, and wherever you go, everything works against you, accoiding to your thinking; but, in accordance with my hunible opinion, you work against things more than ihings labor airainst you. You labor under a mistfiken idea if you think to fbrt I'.ontrarv. The man u'lo petitioned to have* the laiT/j' pos^t.- ie« i SHORT PATENT SERMONS moved because they interfered with him in his nocturnal perani- bulations, considered himself a victim of ill-luck. He might havf been so; but the poor lamp-posts had more reason to complain of hard rubs than himself. My brethren : I have to preach, for your edification, and per- haps amusement. I am lucky when, by chance, I have a good sermon, and get half a hatful of genuine coppers in return : bui, as I always expect more or less bad ones in the heap, I am never disappointed. I bag the lot, without pausing to questionize as to whether any other preacher would have been cursed or blest with the same luck, had he been in my boots. So should you take malters easy ; for, recollect that Fortune never picks out a parti- cular individual to smile upon, nor selects a certain portion upon whom to cast her spiteful frowns. The first is this, my friends : rather than depend upon labor, you are too apt to rely upon luck ; and, when the latter betrays your confidence, you owe it a grudge that time can never pay. To test your luck, don't throw dice nor buy lottery tickets; but put your hand to the plough, and hold on ; or drive the cattle, and let somebody else hold — but be sure that you do one or the other, and the end thereof shall be fortu- nate. Expect a bar of iron to melt with the breath of a southern wind — a seaman's whistle to calm the excited ocean — a tov/n on fire to be extinguished with a woman's tears — the stars to be blown out with a September gale. You may expect these to happen, if ^ou like ; but don't suppose that good luck will keep company with a loafer who is too lazy to work, and so depends upon the precarious crumbs of chanre. If you firmly believe in an unalter- able decree of luck, you will have more of the bad son plastered to your remembrance, than were ever feathers attached to a fresh coat of tar. Mondays and Fridays will enter into a conspiracy against you ; all your new moons will be seen over the left shoul- der ; squirrels will run across the road before you, from the right to the left ; you will spill more salt at the table than any other , one ; and the clouds will be certain to take the opportunity to rain when they catch you without an umbrella. My hearers : a murrain on all your superstitious notions about luck : one mortal is just as liable to mishaps as another. Keep lear ot tne fire, and you will escape being burned; go not near the wattr, and the,rG is no danger of getting drowned ; look not SHORT PATENT SERMON* for the apparitions of ill-luck, and you will see but few of them, at the most ; anJ they, like all other ghosts, possess m'.re powei lo scare than harm. So mote it be ! ON TRUTH-SPEAKING. Text. — Behold the manne ! he spake the truthe, Hee's greater than a kynge. My Hearers : I will tell you a truth : There is not one among five thousand of you who has the moral boldness to tell the hon- est, wholesome, salutary truth on all occasions. Your j)luck8 are too soft, and you haven't grit enough in your gizzards to do it Show me the brother biped who harboreth the will, and possess- eth the courage, to come boldly forward and defend the Veritable — though he butt his head against that same old post. Public Opi- nion — and I will show you a man who is greater than a king, al- though he might fall a little short in physical magnitude; foj greatness, you know, my friends, doesn't depend upon the weight and bulk of the corpus, but upon the depth of the mind, the strength of the brain, a disposition to do the 'clean thing' at all times, and to speak the whole truth, undeterred by fear, and un- swayed by favor. All that constitutes greatness, and ' nothing else ' — otherwise a rhinoceros or a bug, is greater than a man. My friends : I wonder if I couldn't, by gentle persuasion — and not by such impulses as are administered to contrary cattle — cause you more generally to proclaim the truth, and bring a blush upon the cheek of the arch-enemy of mankind, if it is possible that a glow ot shame can make itself visible upon the countenance of a black rascal like him. The devil and I, my brethren, are sv/orn enemies. We have been so ever since he put me up (when I was a bDy) to hooking watermelons from a neighboring patch, for the fun and glory of the thing. Now, if there is any fun or glory in being held fast by a bulldog, and by the seat of one's trousers, till Mr. Proprietor comes along and releases the canine — why, then, old Fix'em may hold his hat to catch my compliments. But he lied, and he knew it : he is a liar from the beginning; and I am not afraid to tell him so to his face. I shan't fight him, though : fc % when I fight, I fight no one but a gentleman — and I'll see him 6 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. clol-tolted first. This ancient Nicholas being an enemy of mine- i srtj»j-ose 1 am bound to love him, in a degree; but that degree i8 very small, I can assure you. I wish him well enough — better, no doubt, than he wishes me. He can go on lying, however, if he chooses, while I shall persevere in preaching the truth, and perhaps a leetle more than the truth. Now, my hearer.s, what is the truth, and what isn't ? Why, it is true that most of you fashionable, church-going fellows make greai pretensions to piety, and exhibit outwardly a righteous show, while true Religion ' holds no inward seat.' There is a vast dif- ference tietween theoretical and practical piety. One has 'hair on if — the oiher hasn't. It is the truth that politicians who pretend to have such a regard for the dear ' people,' don't care a hooter, so long as their own selfish ends are obtained. What care they for you or me, after all ? They love you — and so doth a cat love a mouse ! It is the truth that, if you show to your wife that you love her most prodigally, she will ' come, none of your capers.' The fault is, that husbands, upon the whole, don't convince their tenderer halves that they love them so much as they really do. Now, I never had any experience in this matter; but I'll risk my hopes of heaven, on a bet, that my ideas on the subject are as correct a.s the reckoning of a Dutch grocer, it is true that we all want to live without work, if we can ; and yet, had we nothing to do, we should be perfectly miserable. It is employment that brings contentment. It is true that we think more of the Past and the Future than or the Present ; reckless of the fact that the despised Present cnanges into the admired Past, and the fond Future into the unat- tractive Present. It is true that if you follow the path of vice, you will get into a swamp before you know it ; and that, if you walk in the ways of wisdom and virtue, you will enjoy an Eden upon earth. And it is also true, my friends, that you can't make a gentle- man of a woman by abusing her. In short, there are many truths to be told, which will je utterec' hereafter; but sufficien. foi to-day is th( l.ttle that 1 have bit loose. So mote it be '. SHORT PATINT SERMONS. 7 RICH IN KNOWLEDGE : POOR IN WISDOM. Text. — How many are in knowledg^e rich, And yet in wisdom poor! Mr Hearers : we mortals love to delve in the mines of knowledge. but hew few of us look for the priceless pearls of wisdom ! The waves of time wash many a valuable gem upon tHe moral shore, that remains as unheeded as the commonest pebble by its side. If man sought for wisdom more and knowledge less, he would be a happier creature than he is, and his prospects through life would not 60 often bud roses and blossom thistles — as some other philo- sopher than himself has remarked. There are many unwise characters in this world, my friends, that seem to delight in purposely spoiling their own porridge of peace and happiness. There is your envious man. He makes himself miserable, and has no appetite for the crumbs of comfort, because others partake so heartily of life's rational enjoyments. He goes out of his way to walk among nettles, brambles and thorns, because others pursue a smooth and flowery path — tor- ments himself, like a porcupine, with his own bristles, at the sight of a fortunate neighbor — lives as unenvied as he envies; ana, when he dies, he is like a mere figure rubbed from the slate of ex- istence, to be remembered no more. The miser, my friends, sits and watches his money till he starves himself to death, and leaves posterity to fatten upon that which impoverished him. Having no charity to bestow upon uimself, he has none to spare for others; and, consequently, he has a ra- ther small soul — so small that a million like it could go through the eye of a cambric needle abreast without rubbing upon either side. The jealous man gets up imaginary monsters to frighten him- self with — pours gall into his connubial coffee, and keeps his lit- tle pond of love for ever muddy by stirring it up with the grap- pling irons of suspicion. But the mean man, perhaps, is about the anwisest ; for he gives himself a kicking to despite a neigh- bor He feels as mean, too, as a rooster in a thunder shower: for he Knows that even a decent-looking sheep-stealer must e\er regard him with utter contempt. The proud man lOoks upon many jjp'eater people than himself as mere pigmies ; but he '-un't • SHORT PATENT SERMONS. Bee that he falls in ihe estimation of sensible observers just in pra portion as he rises in his own. When his money forsakes him^ he will feel himself falling in realiiy, and none shall condescend to set him upon his carnal pillars again. The slanderer amuses himself by throwing mud upon reputations that are whiter than his own, at the expense of being everywhere looked upon as lit- tle better than a locomotive lying machine, that turns out false- hood by steam, and at the jate of two bushels j)er minute. The highway robber and murderer is either a madman or a fool : for the sake of a few paltry dollars and cents, he runs the risk ol having his head poked through a halter and sent with a jerk into an uncertain and fearful eternity. But, my hearers, the most unfortunately indiscreet mortal upon earth is the hypochondriac. His little sum of happiness consists in keeping himself miserable, and everybody around him. He makes up a choice assortment of ideal complaints, and never takes greater comfort than when he thinks he has persuaded people he has use for them all at once. He often grumbles for the want ol something to grumble at — grumbles out a long and tedious exist- ence, and ceases only to growl when death closes his mouth. My friends : that man possesses true wisdom who bears up be- neath a heavy load of disappointment or affliction — who contri- butes to the welfare of his fellow-creatures as far as lies in his pocket and power — who sees nothing but what is beautiful ic nature, anl who never finds fault \\\ih any of the doings of I'ro* Tidence. So mote it be ! DUST TO DUST. TcxT. — Few are thy days, and full of wo, man, of woman born ! Thy doom is written, ' Dust thou art, And shalt to dust return.' Behold the emblem of thy state, In flowers that bloom and die, Or in the shadow's fleeting form, That mock the gazers eye. My Hearers: the days of man, born of a womar are few in« deed — scarcely worth mentioning. There was a time when bu SHORT PATENT SERMONS. man life stretched itself out to a thousand years; hut, now, one thinks he does pretty well if he can crawl up near enough to gel a grab at threescore and ten. In consequence of your sins and iniquities, brethren, you are not allowed to tarnish the earth with your vile tread but for a very short time. Verily, as it haih been written, You spring up like peppergrass, jump about like a hop- pergrass, and lie down and die like a jackass. There is a number put upon your days — and that number is almost 0. Your days, brethren, are full of wo — filled to the brim with griefs, cares, sorrows, and anxieties. The All-wise Ruler of the universe plants thorns in your paths — puts aloes in your cups of pleasure — mixes pain with every joy, and bestows the blessings of sickness upon you in order that you may appreciate the still greater blessings of health. You probably think it hard that you're com- pelled to travel over so rough a road as the one that leads from the cradle to the grave ; but, brethren, recollect that whatever hea- ven has ordained is all foi the best. As my friend Pope says — ♦Whatever is, is right;' so content yourselves with your miseries, and make up your minds that you are a great deal happier than you at present imagine. My dear hearers : do you know what you are made of? Dust, nothing but dust! The tenements in which your souls reside are mere mud-built shanties, constructed of the soil that yields you your food. Death soon demolishes them — they commingle with the dust from which they were made, and the spirit takes wings unto the God that gave it. But; brethren, by proper care and self- attention, you may hold out to a good old age. If you neglect yourselves, Providence will neglect you ; and Satan always stands ready to accommodate all against whom the gates of heaven are closed. Brethren, in order to prolong life, allow mc to tell you how to live during the sickly season. Be temperate in eating — don't gorge; undereat, and you enjoy an immunity from all sum- mer epidemics'. At the same time, you should be careful what you eat, however little it may be. Let all crude fruit and vegetables alone — abstain from fresh fish and fresh meat — stick to a salt diet —make free with cayenne pepper — take occasionally a LurLK good (]) brandy — keep your minJs as easy as a feather-bed, and ^e regular in attendance at my church. My hearers : live as you will, you must die at last ; and that i« 10 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. .0- morrow. Behold the emblems of you state ! The flowers Jhat bud, bloom and die in a few days, speak silently, and yet w.th a loud admonition, that you must soon droop, decay, wither, kick the bucket, and be tucked under the sod. What is life "? — A sha- dow made by tlie sunlight, and in a moment destroyed by a cloud • a mushroom, that scarcely lifts its head upon daylight ere it re- turns to darkness and death : a butterfly, that enjoys a brief sum- mer, and is gone for ever : a bubble upon the wave of time, that burf^ts almost as soon as formed : a lump of ice in an August sun : a kiss, that does not last long enough for a fellow to ascertain how good it is. In short, my dear friends, life is one of the greatest uncertainties in the world ; but make the best of it while it is yours — live temperately — be good-humored, cheerful, kind and charitable, and you will get as much of it as is at present allotted to mankind. So mote it be ! MIDSUMMER, LIKE LOVE : TOO WARM. Text. — Each season possesses some beauty and charm, But the charm of midsummer, like love, is too warm. My Hearers : in my last discourse I spoke of change as being the order of things, and necessary to the comfort, health and hap- piness of us sublunary mortals. Now mark how the seasons change, and say, if you can, that you are not satisfied therewith ! Is it not all for the best 1 All spring, all summer, all autumn, or all win'ier, would be scarcely endurable. Each is good in its turnj for, as the Bard of Avon once said, Variety is the spice of life thai gives it all its flavor — and an all-wise Providence seems to have 60 catered as to suit the tastes of even the most fastidious. The mild, mellow days of golden autumn are glorious to behold — there is music in the wild winds of winter ; and, w^hile Nature is taking a comfortable nap beneath her snowy counterpane, we are having all sorts of fun, and making night merry with the tallest Bpecimens of social enjoyment — in spring we feel rejuvenated, buoyant and hopeful ; feel as though we were about to take a fresh start, with the grass, skunk-cabbages, and vegetation in ge- nera^ — and now, in summer, we are enjoying the beauties of Na* SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 11 tare, lu the meridian of all her glory and splendor. The grass will never be greene.'- — the foliage thicker — the flowers lovelier — the rivers bluer — the lakes calmer — the sun brighter — the dells darker — and I puff", pant and pray that the weather may never be hotter ! My friends : [Phew ! let me exercise my handkerchief a little] — it's hot enough to sweat all the sin out of Sabbath-breaking: and, if you had rather lay off at Hoboken, or Coney Island, than sit in this oven and hear me agonize, I w-on't blame you for your choice. As it is written in the Second Epistle of Chabert to the Salamanders, Oh ! for a lodge in some vast wilderness — some boundless coiitinent of shade ! How do you aspiring hod-carriers stand it, upon the ladder to brick-laying distinction, to be pierced with Sol's fiery arrows for hours ? When I think of your situa- tions, a scalding, sympathetic tear drops inwardly upon my heart, and it sisses like a tailor's goose. Phew ! — whew ! — the caloric driven all the gospel out of me. I feel as if I was frying in the fat of my own faith. My moral faculties are altogether unsol- dered, and all my solid grace has resolved itself into liquid gravy. But we must try, brethren, to keep as cool as we possibly can. Don't get excited upon politics, religion, or universal freedom : but wait till the dog-days are over — and then you may pump your passions into as high a state of effervescence as you like, with comparative safety : as the weather is now^, there is some danger of bursting your physical boilers before you know it. A great deal depends upon the channel c f your thoughts. I beseech of you not to think a moment of love, hell-fire, or hot whiskey punches; but let your thoughts rest upon some shady paradise, iced lemon- ades, a driving snow-storm, and the jingling of the sleigh-bells. Contrive to meet an old acquaintance in the street, and let him give yor. the cold shoulder as he passes — that will be as refresh- ing as a shower to the withering plant. Frosted friendship is a great thing when the thermometer threatens death and destruction to every living excitable object. Now :s a good time to give you .jome understandable idea of the lake that burneth with fire and biimstone; but I am not such a cruel monster as to do it, at }ire- sent. Your sufferings, I perceive, are sufficiently severe, wMthout their being augmented by the description of any hotter climate til an this. 12 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. My hearers : your noses look like so many rea pepper-poas by a jrarden fence ; how is mine ? I am glad to know, however, that your hearts are cohl enough to prevent your melting into candle grease; and that, although you persi)ire like roasting pigs, you won't sweat out so much sin but there will be enough left to ena- ble you to get a decent living in the world. As I would as soon preach in a barrel with the bung-hole stopped, as here, I will dis- miss you at once, with my blessing. All the advice I have to give you is : Keep quiet — try to be cool — take a bath r '^ht and morn- ing — wear light clothing — sleep on straw beds— c&,t principally vegetable food — do nothing to worry your consci fiv^ft — don't lei politics and mosquitoes trouble you nrwre than yoi.«.Aii iieip- ^nii, above all, keep clear of debt. So mote it be ! THIS BUSTLING WORLD. Text — This is a bustling world, and man mr >t bustle to li?*. My friends ! all is life in the world we ii 'labit — For ever in action is all ; Life's everywhere stirring — nay 't skips ike a rabbit, Upon this terraqueous ball : My stars ! what a bustle ! Good Lord ! what a tussle ! How they hurry and hussle One another about ! There's no pause for the vv eked, No rest for the sick head — Either go or be kick-ed. Is the law given out. The beasts and the birds, from the mc/ning so •*ariy Until uncle Day-god has set. Are hither and thither, and all busy-barly — Because they've a living to get; And so they must snatch it up, Or root it, or scratch it up, Or plan it, or hatch it up. The best way they can ; SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 11 From Catskill to Tat)oi, God's made them to labor As weJI as their neighbor — That animaJ — man. That animal, man, is the laziest creature That Heaven, or Nfiture, e'er made ; The rogue he exhibits in every feature, And lying, 'twould seem, is his trade. Now, when the Creator Had 'done' th' alligator, (Says the second relator,) He pronounced the thing good; ' Did he say thus of man, sir !' You ask me — I'll answer, As well as I can, sir : He would if He could ! Than live by the toil of his hands he'd much rathef Half live by his wits all alone ; He'd swindle his brother, and rob his own father, Were he sure it would never be known. To this precious sonny What's sweete- than honey! Why, money — 0, money I That ' root of all evil !' But rather than work for 't, The rascal would lurk for 't, Or scrape, bow and smirk for 't — Or go to the devil. \e.s, gold is the stuff for which mortals all scrabl.l* How many, though, don't budge an inch ! They look for success on the chance of a rabble And hope for good luck — on a pinch. Then, so lack-a-daisy — I might say half crazy — All misty and mazy, They lie oti at ease; And no trouble borrow, Qu'te sure that to-morrow 1 4 SHORT PATENT SIRM0N8. Will bring them no sorrow. But something to please. Now, friends, I'd advise you to stir and keep doing,— Do SOMETHING, ye great and ye small ; Though should it amount to but kissing and wooing, 'Tis better than nothing at all : Keep on, and keep trying — Some truth and some lying, Will keep you from dying, As you all may see ; But should the old Harry Advise you to marry. Consider and tarry, And so mote it be . MODERN YOUTHS. Text. — Now, Mr. Shakspere, tell me, if you can, The diiference between a youth and a young man ? My Hearers : this question was once asked of my friend Shak- spere by a drunken, mahogany-faced, carbuncle-nosed blacksmith. The reply was, that there existed tho same difference as between a scalded and a coddled apple. We see, then, that, in the time of the great bard, a youth was nothing more nor less than an inci- pient man. Though physically juvenile, he was self-opinionally endowed with all the ripened attributes of manhood. He scorned to be called a boy, though he proved himself a child by pouting when addressed as ' my lad.' Because his mother's apron-strings were then, as now, composed of gum-elastic, which stretched so as to allow him to roam somewhat at random, he foolishly ima- gined that he had clipped them asunder with the scissors of inde- pendence, and was at liberty to enjoy all the rights and privileges of the adult. Yet boys will be boys, in spite of their strongest endeavors to appear as men. My friends : in these degenerate days of ours, we have no youth among the masculine gender. They are either bab*is or men. No sooner has a lad arrived at the age of sixteen than he begins to turse, sweai and swagaer, like a ;^rajuate in the school of prol'a* f nettles away ! You promised to bring me Bright roses to-day ! At the loss of a penny They grumble and groan, As though the rheumatics Were piercing each bone. The ghosts of bad shillings For ever them haunt, A.nd they shake, lest to-morrow Should bring them to want ! If we rise to distinction, Or by wealth acquire fam.e, Oh! this ir, the wprld that Revolves (»n its ajtis ; So sleekly, so smoothly, I But has troubles an>l taxes i I Where man, the proud mortal, '; With Folly carouse.*, Unheeding the tear of His heart and his trousers ! Yes, this is the world where The high and the low Have to sip from the gourd-shel: Of sorrow and wo ; Where the fleas are not partial As to whom they shall bite— ■ There are thousands would rob us Whether master or servant, Of our rhino — our name} The puppies of envy Pursue us and bark, And gladly would give us A nip — in the daik. In yon hive there is honey. But bees are there, too ; * You're d — d but you'll have it You're damned if you do: 5o, never act rashly — Be cool, calm and kind; For sin, bees and horjiets Leave stings, each, behind. Biest Anticipation ! How fair is thy lace! Curst Participation ! Get out of the place ! King, 'nigger,' or knight. Yes, this is the planet Where rich man nor poor Can keep peace in his dwelling, And trouble out door; i Where 'sore toes and sickhBss' Is the sad lot of all, Thiit trot, canter, or gallop, i Walk, scrabble, or crawl. j Thank heaven ! that some da) 'Twill be burnt into ashes; : Or by some crazy comet Knocked all into smyi«hes ! TiiJ. THHN let's PLAY happy, ]\]ake b'lieve it- you ^e« '? We can do nothing else, fnendr, And, so mote it be! EGOTISTICAL IMPORTANCE. Text. — 'Twas I slew Samson, when the pillared hall Fell down, and cruslied the many with the fall. My Hearers: there is no letter in the English alphabet that Ia}8 tla'7i to so much importance as the I — the almighty I. It ii a SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 23 wonder to me how it could ever content itself with the middle po- sition which it occupies in the list — jammed in between a rough, rovvdyish H, and a mean, insignificant J. That it has not gone up to the head, long ere this, and planted itself perpendicularly over straddling A, is a mystery not to be penetrated. Neverthe- less, we must give it credit for its spirit of independence. It say? of itself, as my friend Mr. Allen says of himself; 'I am myself alone !' — a character of consequence, and, consequently, regard- less of consequences. My friends : this big 1 is all-puissant, and glories in its might. Who killed cock robin 1 'Twas I ! said the sparrow; and with a triumphant wag of the tail, off he flew. What a dust we (1) kick up ! exclaimed the fly in the coach; and home-made flattery persuaded it that it, and it alone, afforded the motive power by which the world and stage-coaches are kept in motion. Brothei Monk Lewis makes one of his creatures of fancy assert : 'I guide the pale moon's silver wagon, The w4nds in magic bonds I hold : I charm to sleep the crimson dragon, Who loves to watch o'er buried gold.' ^o you see, brethren, the f does any and every thing, independent of auxiliaries: but, betv»ixt you and me and the bone-mill, it is • all in my eye* — nothing inore than a chemical property extract- ed from old shoes, called gas, with which not a few individuals are mo«t mysteriously inflated. As I have asked before, Who killed cock robin ? "Twas I,' suid the s})arrow, 'With my little bow and arrow; 'Twas I who killed cock robin.' This matter adm.its of a doabt ; but, so long as the little sparrow RfiTotisticaily asserted, 'Twas 1 that did the deed, we must give it ilie benefit of said doubt, and take it for granted that it committed the fatal but praiseworthy act — for the want of sufficient evidence ►o the contrary. Who killed Tecumseh '? 'Twas 1,' said Col. Johnson, * With my short gun — not a long gun ; 'Twas ] who killed Tecumseh.' Ii ai^ probability, my friends, the Colonel is justly entitled to the 24 ilRORr PATENT SERMONS. credit 01 flaring let the 'dread Indian's' t^ou] leak ont through a bullet-hole ; but many won't believe it, because his own lon^'ue has so often tohl of the circumstance. 0, ye unbelievers ! you shall have your reward, some time or other, without asking ft)r it. You shall be appointed to places, not very desirable, under his Sa- tani'- Majesty's government, and compelled to hold them £or ever. You should not doubt, my brethren, even Glendower, when, in tne stage-actor's bible, he says • I can call spirits from the vasty deep;' ior you can do the same : ' but will they come when you call V If you have sufficient faith, and halloo loud enough, they are sure to start out like a lot of fiying-lish — but mind, brethren, that you have enough faitii, and a strong pair of lungs ; otherwise you 2an't fetch 'em. My friends : who was the mighty I mentioned in our text, that slew Samson when the pillared temple came down with a crash, and made pumice of a multitude! Why, it was no other than the cold, distant, sullei\, morose, melancholy, spleeny, hypochondriac- al, but egotistical j)lanet Saturn — Saturn, with my seven moons! — Saturn, the groat I of the solar system ! What does I, Saturn, do 1 He (she, or it) says : My course round the Sun is wondrou? in circumference: but I travel slowly — I take it easy, for I am in- dependent, and can alibrd it. With my magic rings, I perform as- ionishinj^ ieats. Man feels me as I pass along the ethereal plains. I crush his spirits — J overload him v.iih melancholy care — 1 drive him to wilful (^eath with the slings and bitters of outrageous for- tune — I shake him almost into shoe-strings with the fever and ague — I rack his joints for Liin with the first quality of rheuma- tism — I supply him with quinsies a:;d common sore throats to any extent; and I always keep on hand all the minor ills that human flesh ever desired. I sprinkle poison in the air, and produce pes- tilence — I give a sour look upon the land, and famine follows, as sure as gaping is calching. I pull nations by the ears, and set 'hem to quarrelling. I am the originator of all riots, including Uiat of the Astor-place Theatre. I am the instigator of all mur- •iers. 1 am the author of all wars. I kick kings from their thrones, and push their palaces to the ground. 'Tis I that won't enlarge the Battery. 'Tvvas I that discovered a lump of gold io ^"alilorniay and induced thousands of poor sufferers to dig for a SHORT PATENT SERMONS 25 while in vain, and then persuaded them to lie down and die l-ke brave men and gentlemen. 'Twas I that slew Samson — yes, ana 'twas I, and I alone, that struck William Patterson, Esquire ! J\Iy hearers : all that I (this little I that stands up here in the puipit) ever did of any consequence was, once, a good many year<» ago, to assist in keeping a large quantity of chov/der from spoil- ing :n the pot ; and, afterwards, to discover the short patent prin- ciple of preaching, whereby some millions have, I trust, been con- verted from vice, sorrow and gloominess to morality, mirth and prood humor. So mote it be ! TIME PAST — LOVE GOODNESS. Text. — Time thaf s gone, none may restore it, Love, all hearts must bow before it; Goodness, we must still adore it, Whencesoe'er it come. M" Hearers : well may we con.sider that time is the stuff that life i^ made of — and precious stuff it is, too. Therefore, how import- ant it is that we should look after it, and make the most of it as ii comes. I have said that time is stuti"; so money is stulf, and ' time' is money.' This all beseemeth true ; nevertheless it oftentimes happeneth ihat he who hath the more time on hand, hath the less cash on hand. However, it is generally understood that if we take any note of time, it is as good as ready money, inasmuch as there be great interest upon it. Time is a good paymaster — he settles everything, from the debt of nature down to the lowest rum-mill — from a disturbed stomach up to a dangerous dispute. Some persons have a murderous disposition for killing time : they go out a-gunning for the barbarous purpose, and call it fnerely ' taking Time by the firelock !' Wretches! — as my friend Michael would say — 'What has the jintleman done to disarve such threai- TnintT' Why, he has soothed many a sorrow — healed many a wound — unheeled many a boot — applied the unction of grease- goose to many a chapped conscience — blighted many a rose nj)or: the blooming cheek of youth and beauty — caused buds to t)loss">jn — blossoms to decay — relieved many a mortal from malignant mi- sery — brought millions of unembodied souls from a (juiet noju-r.- 2 26 . SHORT PATENT SERMONS. tity into a material world of wo — and set the door to eterrity ajai for all to make a happy escape, at last. Now sum up all, and tell me whether Time ought to be killed. My verdict is, Not guilty ! Time IS hound to be gone soon enough without troubling ourselves as to putting it out of the way. You should make the most of il while it lasts; for, when it is once gone, you can no more restore it than you can bring a polish upon a rusty reputation by rubbing it again.-t a Presbyterian pulpit. My fi lends: our text implicitly says we must all bow to, and acknowledge, the demi-almighty power of Love. Yes Love is really omnipotent. In peace — as my friend Scott said, or might could, would, or should, have said— Love tunes the shepherd'^ pipe, anl makes him blow it out with a warmth and energ} f'.iffi cient to move a mud-turtle : in war, he mounts the warrior's steed, and goei his death for pretty Polly, and a people's praise : in the halls of fashion, he is seen in gay attire, and is stiff ?s a poker, for the hake of Sal and ceremony : in hamlets, he dances nn the green, to the tune of 'Bowery gals, will ye come out to-night .' and IS a^ antic as a cricket upon a hot hearth, inspired to j.ersA. ration by the presence of his beautiful Betsy. In shor' Love rules the court, the (s)camp, the grove, And men below, and saints above, For love is heaven, and heaven is love. My dear friends : as regards Goodness, we ail must admire it. wherever it be found, or whence it come. No being is so totally deprave) but he has some good qualities ; and the darker the cha- r.icter the brighter must shine every virtuous spark. Bat, if there be anyining that Heaven and I despise, it is a pompous .norta* with superfine coat and pants, and principles that most wretchedly want patching: yet even in a thing like this, or any other hypo- crite who stands between the Devil and Divinity, there is a germ of goodness, which only requires the genial sun of circumstance lo cause it to shoot, and put forth an honest, benevolent and pro- misiny; Made. I say it, my friends, and stick to it, like shoema- ker's wax, that we are bound to admire goodness wherever it is to be found — whether in the dunghill of humanity, or in the heart** of the angels of heaven; and if it comes to us from a quaile' whence we least expect it, it is so much iho more worthy a gtiu& reus consideration. So mo^.e it be ' ■HORT PATENT SERMONS. 2 < TO BE, OR NOT TO BE. Text. — To be, or not to be — that is the question. Mr Hearers : I don't see that there need be any question at all about ' To be, or not to be.' I say be, as long as as there is a pos- sibility of a BE in the world : and so mote it be ! You sour-souled. codfish-mouthed misanthropists, who despise yourselves, and hate everybody and everything! — your eternal absence would be no loss to the world, I am sure : but do you ever expect to be in any hap- pier condition, let you go where you will 1 You are determined to be miserable, and misery will be your lot to the farthest end of for ever. Heaven — to which place you can never go, by the way — would be hell to you, and hell itself prove as unsatisfactory as heaven. Every one of you dissatisfied, discontented, grumbling mortals, will probably go nowhere w^hen you make your escape from this terrestrial prison, and have all the room to yourselves. At least 1 hope so. My friends, what fools you are for ever thinking of making your quietus with a bodkin, pistol, rope, or razor! If you get lost in the woods, there is always a chance of your finding the way out, and you can do no more than die at the worst. — Because you find no flowers in winter, can't you possibly wait for the buds and blossoms of spring ? — If there come a long northeast storm, will you damn all creation and cut your throat'? Has not sunshine al- ways succeeded a shower, and fair weather followed the gloomiest of skies'? Oh, you forlorn, wretched and suicidal mortals ! cheex up, and have the spunk to live and outlast the severest of circum- stances. Never say die, so long as you can see a gimlet-hole for the light of hope to stream through. There can be a coward of no greater magnitude than he who, scared at the shadows and ap- paritions of ill, dives headlong into eternity, like a frantic woman who throws herself from a third story window, because there is a fire somewhere in the neighborhood. It is really horrible to reflect upon the number of suicides committed by desperate fools, in the course of a year. Horrible ! It is enough to make a dinner-poi turn pale, as accustomed to hot water as it is. My hearers : your Maker made you a present of a living soul, to be returned when called for, and not before. If you disdain- fully throw it back upon His hands, or return it with every apo- 28 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. logy, Task you in all fairness if it isn't one of (he most audariou* of insults to Divinity that a mortal is capable of committing. Bui I know how it is with you self-killers: when you }>ucker up your mouths to blow out life's greasy candle, you dont stop to ihink whether you are to be left for ever in total darkness, mild moon- light, or broad sunshine — whether there be a God, a iieaven. a de vil, or a hell. It is all the .»ame to you so long as you cau escape from that big hornet of earth, called Care. Shame ! — everlasting shame be on you, ye 'consumptionate' cowards! If the stars of heaven are so modest as to hide their heads while the wind i8 shirt — shifting, what must the still more sensitive angels think of your so unceremoniously undressing your souls, and thrusting them into their presence, without even a hg-leaf of faith to con- ceal their nakedness! My dear friends : it is truly sickening to humanity : why, it is enough to sour the milk in the cocoanut, to see how many of our ought-to-be-happy fellow creatures allow the black spiders of me- lancholy to weave their webs in every corner of their bosoms — how the miserable mortals take pains to go round and ga/e upon the gloomy gable-end of every earthly enjoyment — how they per- mit rank weeds to grow up and overshadow every beaulifui plant and flower in the garden of existence. Pshaw ! such poor home- made devils are not worth the consideration of a catterpiiiar. Let them go, if they will, to the place assigned for ail such rubbish. As to ' To be, o) not to be,' as I have said before, there is no quej>- tion about it. It is BE, most decidedly — ' and nothing else.' So mote it be ! ON NAMES. Text. — A wandering Troubadour was ne, And bore a name of high degree. My Hearers : a man who has long been dead and gone, and with whom, had I been breathing in his day, I could not have helped courting a personal acquaintance, once asked the question ' What is there in a name V — a question that requires deep thought, much study, and a great amount of mental digging to solve. What is mean* by a kame 1 Does it mean your inherited cognomen — say SnORT PATENT SERM0K8. 2S /•m'th, Johnson, Hopkins, Duggins? or the name that yon acquire by good conduct (for you are all totally depraved by nature) ? — cr the name that you gain by cleverness, smartness, talent and in- genuity 1 All these are to be considered, as the fisherman said when he found a motley mess in his scoop-net. My friends : there is more in your ancestral names than you mav at first imagine. A long name always commands more re- spect than a short one. For instance, if your patronymic be Montgomery, Montague, Montcalm, Washington, or Chateaubri- and, you are lifted so high in the estimation of the world, that such short, bobtailed concerns as Jones, Haynes, Fay, Dow (Ji.), are lost sight of entirely. So, if you happen to be cursed with a short name, I advise you to apply at once to the state legislature for something longer — more high-sounding — and, consequently, more respectable. Higginbottom sounds altogether more respect- able than Mix, and Kaufmammsmuzecolf is preferable to eithe'" Oh, you contemptible Browns, Smiths, Jones, Meads, and all sucn unconsidered trash ! — why do you allow yourselves to be thus cut so short 1 Either add s} llables to, or alter, your appellations, and jou will raise yourselves a couple of pegs higher in the sight of those who never saw you. [E.vcuse the bull, brethren.] My dear friends : the name that the world gives you, for your good or bad behavior, is to be vastly considered. If you pursue the path of virtue, walk in wisdom's ways, act honestly, and be- have yourselves before company, you will be presented with a jewel worth more than all the wealth of the Indies, and of which there is no fear of your being robbed — a good name. A man who pretends to feel for another under difficulties may, by his plausi- ble good feeling, extract from him all that he hath- -except his good character. That is his own, and is his for ever. You may spit the tob«cco-juice of calumny upon it, or bespatter it accord- ing to the worst of your endeavors, nevertheless, all these stains will fade and disappear by being bleached in the sunshine of pub- lic opinion. You cannot rob a man of his good name. It may be tarnished for a time, or a few Haws may be picked in it ; but, •ventually, it will recover its original brightness, and assume its wonted wholeness. No, brethren — as for taking a mortal man's ^ood name from him, you might as well undenaiie to pull goose- quiUs from the wings of an angel. so SHORT PATENT SERMOM*. My hearers: theve is certainly something about a name above what I can explain, or any of us can comprehend. There always ■.s 'nore respect paid to l^oLLV-syllables than to MoLLY-syllaldes. Why it is so, I do not feel myself at liberty to express an oi/.nion -nevertheless, it is so. Then, on another hand, when you liave once acquired 'a name of high degree,' as says our text, you stand unshaken and unshakeable. You can cheat, swindle, rob, or even commit murder, and you are exonerated in the eye of the world. Bat, brethren, I exhort you always to act according to the dictates of your own consciences ; and, by so doing, you will be at peaci* ff-ith your God and yourselves. So mote it be ! WANT OF MONEY, THE WORST OF WANTS. Text. — Want sense, and the world will o'erlook it; Want feeling — "twill find some excuse; But if the world knows you want money, You're certain to get its abu?e: The wisest advice in existence Is ne'er on its kindness to call ; The next way to get its assistance Is — show you don't need it all ! My Hearers: this is not only a great, but a curious and myste- rious w^orld we live in, ami pay rent for. All discord is haimony; all evil is good; all des])otism is liberty; and all wrong is right — for, as Alexander Polk says, 'Whatever is, is right;' except a left boot, and wanting to borrow money. You may want sense, and the world won't blame you for it. It would gladly furnish you with tlie article, had it any to spare; but, unluckily, it has hardly enough for home consumption. It generously overlooks the mat- ter, inasmuch as you had not the inaking of yourself; for, if you had, there is no doubt but you would have put in a few more brains, and put on a little less bottom. However, if you lack sense, you are well enough off, after all ; for then, if you commit a FOX PAW, as the French say, you are let go with the comi)liment 'Poor fool I he doesn't know any belter!' The truth is, a great deal of brains is a vast deal of botheration. An empty skull is bound to shine in company ; because the prop'ietor of it has not SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 31 ^ense enough 1o know that there is a poss^ibility of his making a nincompoop of himself; and, therefore, he dashes ahead, hil o: miss, and generally succeeds beyond the bounds of all expectation Let a man be minus brains and plus brass, and he is sure to slide through the world as though he were greased from ear to ancle; but rig up for him a complete machinery of thought, and it is as much as he can do to tend it. He goes to his grave, rulfled and tumbled — curses life for its cares, and moseys into eternity pack- saddled with mental misery. Oh, for the happiness of the fool ! My friends : if you want feeling, it will always find excuse. The apparently-miserable mendicant, that begs a penny at your door, may be better off than yourself.— You hesitate to help a mortal out of the pit of poverty, lest he turn about and tumule you in the same pit for your kindness. As for pretending to feel for a brother's woes, his misfortunes and his miseries, is all in rny eye and JVIrs. Elizabeth Martin. The only true state of feeling is to feel for another man's money. Get that, and then you can feel — feel — feel comfortable. My dear friends : don't let the world know that you really stand in need of money ; if you do, it will see you a considerable way further down before you get a copper from its treasury. The world rides those that are ridden — treads upon those that are down — ■ kicks those that are used to being kicked, and cuffs the ears of the poverty-bitten, as though they had been guilty of some enormous offence. You must hold up your heads — look smart (as you ac- tually DO smart) and pretend that your pockets are suffering with a plethora of the ' pewter' if you wish to obtain a pecuniary fa- vor from your fellow rascals. All is deceit and hypocrisy here below. Man takes every available advantage of his brother man, in the way of business; and, if I were to swap horses to-day with a minister of the gospel, I should keep one eye open just as wide as though I were dealing with a notorious jockey. Excuse my want of confidence in professional piety; but faith is not to be summoned by each wish and desire. Flesh is flesh, and fish is fish, after all. My hearers : if you have nothing, nobody can rob you. [Dont be alarmed at that passage of the scripture which says, ' He that hath nothing, from him shall be taken even what he haih.'] It you have nothing, you are safe, provided you can manage to ex* 82 iHORT PATENT SERMONS. tort an existence. If you can get something, anyhow, well and good, so long as the world considers it honestly your own; but, if you go to borrow money, make the lender believe that you are about to enrich him by paying great interest, when you have not tlie remotest idea of disturbing the principal I talk this way be- cause It is the way of the world. It is 'pull Dick, pull Devil,' with mankind through life.^The one that, unfortunately, falls be- hind is a victim to kicks and curses, while he that is ahead basks in the sunshine; of fortune and popular favor, albeit he be one the devil would disdain to touch with a pitchfork. For my part, I do not want to s«'e such things. I wish to see you all united, with- out regard to condition, sex, or sentiment. I want to see you men ail shake hands with one another, and do whatever is fair, each unto each. I desire you to kiss the women, and love them in all sincerity; for there is no doubt but they were put upon earth for a good purpose. And, lastly, I warn you against thinking too much of money; for it has carried a'good many to hell and none to heaven. So mote it be ! LOOK AHEAD. Text. — If that the Past doth seem unkind, J wiJl a belter Present find: If Present things should bring annoy, 111 make the Future brim with joy. My Hearers: another inch of Time's tail has just been chopped Dtf'; another chapter of life's romantic story has been read ; mo- ther revolution of the great wheel has been effected — another year has been swallowed by the insatiate Past — slipped down its guilet, like a rabbit into the maw of an anaconda. Last Monday eve we saw his heels just barely stickiiig out : when the ironical tongue ol St. Paul's proclaimed the ' noon of nigiit,' the old year was not quite a goner — his shoe-taps were still Visible from witnout the monster's mouth ; but when St. George's tolled the midnight hour, Ve were solemnly and earnestly told that Eighteen Hundred and Forty-Nine, Esq., had gone the way of his predecessors; or, in 9\h.tr words, that he was defunct — a corpse. Now, ray friends, since the old year has departed, I hope you SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 33 will let it rest in peace ; but I am afraid not. 1 fear you will de- sperate its grave — Jig up its bones — rake over its ashes, out of evenge for some fancied ill-usage. It 's now the property of the i'ast; and to it let it belong. Leave it to manure the fields where the historian reaps his harvest, and the antiquarian loves to delve, for it is yours no more. The year just slid away may have seemed unkind to many of you, my brethren. Perhaps it has upset some of your strongest- built culcu.atioas — soured your sweetest hopes — beclouded youi brightest prospects — and played Tom-fool with you in a numbei of ways. Well, suppose it has — what then] ' What yer goin' to do about it V as says the young rascal that ' kills for Keyser.' Ay, what can you do with the matter I Why, let it rest. Thi? stirring up the carrion of former ills, old disappointments and by- gone vexations, is severe upon the nostrils of Memory, and of no more use than digging for diamonds in a dunghill. My dear frieuas : if the Past presents but a melancholy picture to behold, turn your backs upon it — right-about face, and look to the Present ; and make sure that it shall never wantonly betray your confidence. Be half careful, half careless: too much care may kill a cat; and extreme carelessness has broken many a man's neck, besides the hearts of thousands. 1 will tell ycu how to make ihe Present comfortable — and hold out good : Keep cool; be busy; clarify your conscience, and exhibit a clean shirt. God has given you reason to coptrol your passions; therefore, hold in 3'our passions, and let thein trot, or they may run away with your reason ; and then you sink yourselves to a water level with the brute. The wisest and best of men sometimes commit errors ; but rec- tify them as soon as they are recognized, and the devil will let you off. Always enact a noble part ; for man, being the noblest concoc- tion of creation, he is expected to do it — otherwise he may expect a few kicks for his obstreperousness. Be (^haritable — to yourselves first, and your poor neighbor after w?rds : but, when you do a deed of charity, stick vour left hano »n }cjui- coat pocket, in order that il may nut ^e^' wLai tiie ri[,hl aund IS u]) to 34 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 1 needn't warn you against committing bad actions; toi your inherent fear of shame, and the love of approbation, are sufficient to curb you. 0, no ! you wouldn't do anything wrong for half of heaven, and the whole of California ! Implant such seeds and golden principles as will be likely to take the quickest ana ueepest root; but, if you haul out a hand- tul of the ' yellow boys,' and say, ' Them's my principles, I ad rise you not to plant them at all — salt them down for the future. In your undertakings, be wise. Recollect it is easier to build *i«ro cnimneys than to maintain one. Be viituous, by all means. Virtue confers the greatest dignity iL man, and trives him a push along the path of prosperity. Never esteem yourselves wise — fools only do that. To g»'n wisdom, choose the middle station of life. Poverty worri*^ your thoughts concerning your wants ; and riches bother »ou concerning the enjoyment of their superfluities. Don't seek constant repose ; for you will soon get tired of hav- mg nothing to do. Doing nothing, by the month, is the hardest kind of work, and the poorest of pay. Stick to your friends — forsake them, and you are entitled to no confidence. If you devour them, cherish, at least, their memory But I know how it is : the bread that has been eaten is soon for- gotten. Improve all present opportunities ; yet I am fully persuaded that two-thirds of you are too lazy to take advantage of them. Find, then, no fault with the Present ; but rather tie yourselves up, and put on the cowhide, without fear, favor, or friendship. While you feed the body, give a little fodder to the mind ; and BO nourish the activity of your thoughts, as well as cater to the capricious wants of the stomach. Now, my friends, by paying a proper observance to these whole- some precepts, your present prospects will, in all probability, keep as bright as the untarnishable sun itself; but if adventitious cir- cumstances should operate against you, in spite of all — should sorrowful accidents happen, as they sometimes will ' in thp best- regulaled families' — and you can't get forward much faster than you slip back — spunk up. Determine that the Future shall more than make up tor all disappointments and delinquencies; put youi «hoiLlder to the wheel — "push along, keep m< v,ng" — cease grum* SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 35 Ming — take the world easy — and I will bet that chew oi tobacco against the contents of my luckiest contribution-box that you will come off ' all hunk ' in the end. So mote it be! WHAT IS TRUE. Text. — Man of wisdom ! man of years ! Tell, oh, tell us what is true! My Hearers : I don't pretend to be a man possessed of more than a moderate share of wisdom — about as much as an owl that .'ikhtly asks ' Who's who V and pauses in vain, during the day, tor a re- ply ; nor one who can boast of as many years as an Adam, a Noah, or a Methuselah : yet I can tell you what is true about some things as well as others. It is true that Eighteen Forty-Seven died a day agone. and we shall never behold his face again. Since he died of old age and exposure to the rude inclemencies of winter, perhaps he might be more properly called Eighteen Hundred and Froze-to-death. How ever, since he is gone, to return no more, let us sing ' Lord bless him, let him go !' and rejoice that the child born unto us, and christened Eighteen Forty-Eight, is full of hope and promise to millions; albeit to some it brings dark doubts, evil bod.ngs, and awful fears. But cheer up, ye disconsolate on-es ! When you ".ome to see the infant year lifting up its little hands from ihe green velvet-lined cradle of Spring, holding violets, cowslips and dallb- dils, and smiling like a cherub amid the budding bowers of Eden — then you will find fresh flowerets of hope and joy starting from ycur half-sterile hearts, and feel like a jaybird indulging unmolest- ed at a corn-rack. Yes, brethren, with these new and joyous im- pulses awakened in your bosoms, you will find it difficult to pre- vent exclaiming, as I did when T took my first favorite kiss: 'Cut my straps, and let me go to glory !' It is true, my friends, that, to prosper in this world, you musl work — be indusVrious — keep moving, like a deputy christian dis- tributing tracts. it is true that cheerfulness is a promoter of health. Hart davs *re biiund o ini«;rven« between us and the tomb ; thereiure, evtry 66 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. man should carry a small boule of sunsbiii'^ under his shni- bosom. It is true that women make more false motions in amatoiy mat- ters, or pretend to love when they do not, than men ; and yet, when a woman's affections are once fairly fastened upon a fellow, they stick and hang, like a tick to a sheep. Nevertheless, foreign ex- perience says, it is comfortable, if not delightful, to repose upon the soft down of woman's love. It is true that flatterers bespatter one another with praise, to their own detriment — and to my astonishment. They let words out at interest, and receive words and ridicule in return. It is true that idleness is the parent of many vices; but who shall say that ill-directed industry is not the mother of equally as many ? However, I suppose we must obey the injunction 'What ever thy hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might' — even thougn it maketh ready to ' knock a nigger down.' It is true that time, tide, steamboats and soda water will wait for ao man. Therefore, it behooves us mortals to be always on the lockout, and to take timely advantage of every favoiable oppor- tunity. It is true that, let us do our best, we are always wedged in be- tween yesterday and to-morrow. Ho-hum I — it is always dull to- day with mortal man. It is true that there are two kinds of patriotism — one is urging, the other restraining. There may be good patriotism in declining to GO to war in another country; but refusing to tight when v.ai COMES into one's country, is poor patriotism indeed. ' There ai^it no hair on't.' It is true that posthumous fame is like a toad : it might be a pretty bird if it only had feathera. 'Who hath honor? He that died a Wednesday. Doth he feel it V Not a feel ! It IS true that big feet are more for use than ornament, like a leather shirt. It is true that ministers of the gospel don't practise half what they preach — on an average. Some of them, though, preacii no- thing but hell, and they practise 'nothing else.' It is true that I give good advice, and ask no questions. I thro-;? Jough to my chickens — if the chickens like it, let them eat it wi^M \v."« tirst a.'iking me why I uun"t eat it myself. SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 37 It is true that every dog has his day ; but it isn't true tha» every Day has his dog It is true that every girl, no sooner than she is fourteen, wants to get married. It is in accordance with a 'mysterious law of natur'.' It is true that nothing is gained by cheating ; because a success- ful cheat is sure to lead on to disastrous consequences — at last. It is true that a 'swell' is neither a lady nor a gentleman; but a hermaphrodite, between high and low breeding. It is true that there is no truth in two-thirds of the lies that are sent abroad, through envy, jealousy, spite, and malice. My friends: 1 could tell two thousand five hundred things more that are true, but they wouldn't add an iota to your already well- tilled stock of information. Suihce it to say, that you have ali got to die, one of these odd days. Make u;^ your minds to meet Death with a smile — give him a hearty shake of the hand — say * How are ye, old fellow V — and tnke a pleasant ramble with him upon the outskirts of a mundane existence. So mote it be ' FEMININE BEAUTY. Text. — A beauty ripe as harvest, AVhose skin is whiter than a swan all over, Than silver, snow, or lilies! A soft lip Would tempt you to eternity of kissing, And flesh that melteth in the touch to idood: Bright as your gold, and lovely as your gold. My Hearers: I have a warm subject for hot weather; howevci I shall endeavor to treat it with coolness, calmness, and delibera- tion. — Everything should be taken cool, except hot tea and a warm bath. Put to my text : ' A beauty ripe as harvest.' — That's your sort. We care not a counterfeit copper for your green beau- ties- mere buds, that may, and may not, open to a beautiful iir.w- er. Nor for fading, decaying, decayed and blasted beauties. They can get no hold upon our sensibilities — can no more arouse our dormant passions than rum poured into a rat-hole. We war.t something ripe, rich and rare — luscious and in full bloom. 1 mean -hat you do — not I. For my part, I am contented with the jiain oeef and cabbag» ol the world. 88 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. My friends : our ext speaks of one 'whose skin is whiter than n swat-, ail over.' We all ac'mire whiteness, because it is an ein- o!em of purity ; but it should make no difference as to what color the skin is, so long as the soul is of a iz'w complexion. A black ch.aracter contained in a snowy carcase, reminds .ne as forcibly as a k.ck of a ' whited sepul hre ;' but a white reputation encased in a daik skin shows to excellent advantage. It is like a bright, bean.ing star glistening through the crevice of a thunder-cloud— borrowing brightness and beauty from the surrounding gloom. This is moralizing, mind ye. But, to please the grosser appetite — to humor our carnal fancies — we go in for an alabaster cuticle : the whiter the better, provided chalk can enter no claims for cre- dit in the score. Oh ! a feminine skin, whiter than silver, than snow, than lilies, is moving to masculine flesh and feelings! It makes man forget his divine portion, and all his ideas are engross- ed in the human. Then, when we see a soft and lovely blending of the rose with the lily, upon the cheek of angelic woman, how inconceivable are the rapturous sensations experienced by whis- kers and moustaches ! and how unbounded the praises that weak and erring human nature would fain bestow! My hearers: the next part of my text mentions a soft lip, that might 'tempt you to an eternity of kissing.' Now, generally speaking, you should take heed lest you fall into temptation, oi into a mud gutter; but I never could see any harm in indulging iii labial exercise to the utmost extent of mutual desire — esperjally when there is a soft ruby lip moistened by the pure juice of love, and a breath untainted by onions. As to the 'eternity of kissing,' I should say it were rather too much of a good thing. The sweet- est of pleasures soon cloy. In my humble opinion, the better way is, after getting about half-satislied, to hold off for a time; and then go at it again, w^ith renewed vigor, industry and appetite ' And flesh that melteth in the touch to blood.' — It bath bofn said ot old that all /lesh is grass — but it is not always quite so green ! There is a great deal of the yellow sore extant at present. As re- gards softness, give me that which is plump, and enough of it ; and il matters not to me whether it is hard as a brickbat or soft as a pu Iding-bag. As for il-s ' me.lting in the touch to blood,' I don't ?are a tinkei's bl&ssing, so long as there is a little left to fondly tnerish ; ja\ even should it wholly dissolve, it were heaven enougb SHORT PATENT SERMONS. - X& rnr me to lap up tLe precious syrup, like a kitten would spih mi Ik (roin the kitchen hearthstone. If a sweet colored wench, tiiousrh. »^-ere to melt into molasses, you should all have a chance i'oi a hck as well as myself. ' Bright as your gold, and lovely as youi ^old.' That sounds well — it has exactly the right chink. A vir- tuous woman is a jewel to society, and a crown to man. Moic than a crown — a ten-dollar gold piece at least. Ay, more than that : the world would not lose her for the wealth of all the worlds. And what were woman without man '? A useless, though beauti- ful ornament in a dreary wilderness. Since the sexes were made for each other, let them love one another ; and the more steam they put on dunng the operation, the more pleasing it is in the eyes of Heaven, and the more interesting is the spectacle exhibited to the sight of mortals upon earth. So mote it be ! TREASURES FROM BOOKS. Text. — Wealth may flee, and friends deceive us, Love may change his sunny looks: But those treasures never leave us, Which we garner in from books. My Hearers : do you all know how to read 1 If you don't, I pour you out sympathy by pailsful, and, at the same time, leel dis- posed to cast a brickbat of censure at your heads — if I could get hold of one. You should have a large portion of my pity for your unfortunate ignorant condition, and a big junk of my blame for being so arrogant as to despise an acquaintance with the little A-B ab-zes, the i-b zes, the o-b zes, and all the ampersands-zes — to say nothing of those still smaller characters called commas, se- micolons, colons, periods, and so forth. It hath been written. 'Despise not the day of small things;' neither should you despise those apparently-little insignificances, which are capable of form- ing such a beautiful, grand and imposing architecture of thouglit ?s i happen to know is potential with their natures. A nation is co!uposed of multitudes of individuals — the Tower of Babel con- fiisuvd of an 'immense number' of bricks — the vast pyramids con- tain pieces of stone beyond mortal reckoning — and the whole uni- verse itself is maae up of an infinity ol paltry particles : but more 40 SHORT PATENT SERMONS wonderful than all these is the sublime monument that some twen- ty-six silly-looking alphabetical characters have rendered assist- ance in rearing. Make yourselves well acquainted wiih liie use of these little materials, and verily you shall not look for employ- ment so long as life lasteth. j\Iy friends : our text says ' Wealth may flee, and friends forsake us.' Yes, riches seem to be furnished with pinions prematurely plumed. As soon as they are hatched, they are ready to fly ; and if you don't cage them closely, they are gone for ever. ' Frien':* may forsake us.' Ay, that's true, too ; but it is not owing to ary wilful neglect, or desire to forsake ; for true friends can never par'. 60 long as there is a telegraphic communication between soul and soul, however remote the distance. It is owing, brethren, to the mutability of human afliiirs — to the unavoidable change of circum- stances. The world revolves; and so long as it shall continue to revolve, we shall be shaken up, displaced and scattered, like the children of Israel, when they undertook to ride the elephant out of the woods into Egypt. 'Love also may change his sunny looks.' So he may : his countenance is as susceptible of change OS an April sky : and he is but short-lived at the longest. Oh! ' Love is pretty, Love is witty. Love is charming whilst it's newj But it soon grows old. And waxes cold, And fades away like the morning dew.' And fto it is, and so it does — I mean that ephemeral, phosphores- cent love, which takes fire from the putridness of the grosser })as- sions, even as jack-o'-lanterns arise from the decayed and .stinkins carcases of frogs and meadow turtles. But there is another soit of love, my friends, which Eternity itself cant tire out. It is that kind of love which for ever exists among the saints aiid angels of heaven, and of which I may speak more particularly hereafter. Dear brethren : when 1 was a little boy, and wore a little chpv.v Bpron, and could first read the little primer with a blueish covci. grandmother assured me that When land is gone and money spent, Then larning is most ex-cel-LENT; and I have since ascertained, to my unbounded joy and satisidc Uoa, that a ' little larning ' is not half so dangerous a thing as £r.y SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 41 friend Pope took the trouble to imagine. Would that T j^os^esscd more of the article. As bees gather honey from flowers, so mav you extract the sweets of knowledge from books — sweets tl.al shall afTorJ both solace and sustenance to the soul in the winter oi age, when the friends of former days are few — when the fires of youthful love are extii guished, and life's greasy candle is aboiii fo sputter in the socket From books you can gather trpasun s of which none can rob } ou ; and then you may well say, with ilip poet, 'Precious treasure, thou art mine!' I know all about nooks hke a book : and now let me tell you, if you read for instruction, read that good old book (now almost obsolete with the mass) call- ed the Bible : it tells you how to keep clear of the snags of th s world better than I can. That is the Book of all books. Read i» — an'' when you can so read as to thoroughly understand it, you may stop sawing wood, carrying the hod, and peddling clams. an4 take to preaching — the same as 1 have done. So mote il be 1 FOREWARNINGS GHOSTS. Text. — The lady of Ellerslee wept for her Lord; A death-watch had beat in her lonely room Her curtain had shook of its own accord, And the Raven had flapped at her window-board, ■ To tell of her warrior's doom look for ghosts ; but none will force The way to me ; — 'tis falsely said That there was ever intercourse Between the living and the dead. My Hearers: Death comes but once; but that once is a clinv-Jic:-' as some lady has said of yore. True — when he does come, tliere is no release from his jjrapple. He comes like a thief in the n glii : he springs upon his victim like a cat upon a mouse; but * ol thai day and that hour, kncwelh no one.' He never sends a warning of his approach through ;i howling dog, a crowing hen, m crock- ing raven, or a ticking insect : for dogs would howl, hens sometime.^ crow, rivens croak, and boding insects tick, were there no svch thing as death in the world. All sights, sounds, signs, and oiWi 12 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. imaginary fouTunners, are as liable to fall as the majority of a multitude of hopes. When they fall, they are consigned to the tomb of forgetfulness ; but, when one happens to act as a co-in- cident, it gets the credit of being a forewarner, and is remember- ed by all the 'believing' old foo-foos in town. Said a lad to his maternal guardian, ' Mother, I am going to die ! I know I shall die— because my trousers is burst !' Now, my hearers, had that boy slipped his wind by any other means, within a week or month afterwards, the exploded pantaloons would have been looked upon as a wonderful pair of premonitors. But the lad lived, and the trousers lost posthumous fame. My friends : many of you are so nervously-minded, and such firm believers in fore warnings, that you are haunted with a regi- ment of them, till life at last leaks out of your fear-shattered bo- dies. Bear in mind, it is not these that announce the approach of the grim monster, (or they are years about it,) but they frighten you at last into his icy embrace, by your imagining that 'they continually do cry ' ' He's coming !' And so they do cry — if you imao-ine it — even up to the moment that the soul vacates its shackly tenement of cky. Why, my friends, somebody or other is always bidding good-bye to the world about the time that hens crow, because there is no rooster to crow for them — when dogs sit upon the door-step, and howl at the moon in a melancholy mood — when death-watches tick in the wainscot for merriment, as the crickets ging — when the lone mourning dove coos for her mate in the elm tree at the window — when the whippoorwill sings in his sleep in the day-time — when apple-trees and window-curtains shake of their own accord ; yes, brethren, I repeat, that when these uncom- mon sounds and sights are heard and seen, somebody is about to receive a death-rap upon the knuckles to make him let go his grasp upon the world ; and, of course, fools will have it that they were the solemn presages of his departure. Pshaw ! I hardly know whether to pity or contemn those silly scrags who See Death in clouds, and hear him in the wind. So I will give them a little of both — a particle of pity and a por- tion of contempt. W^ell do I remember — young as 1 was — that, when the Northern Lights were first seen, how the bristles rose upon the back of Terror — how consternation sei/fl the whole we rid by ihe hair — and how even Piety, Faith aiiU Virtue shook SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 43 in tlieir shoes for fear. Everyr-ody said something unusual was going to happen ; and what they «aid was true just two weeks, to a day, afterwards, one Ebenezer Essencepedler, who had not the satisfaction of witnessing the phenomenon, choked himself to death in endeavoring to swallow the smallest account of it ! My dear friends : do you believe in ghosts ? If so, you will be honored with the presence of just as many as you would wish o accompany you in your perambulations about this mystical sphere. ' Seek, and ye shall find,' reads a passage of scripture ; and I know 01 nothing to which it can better apply than to ghosts. But it de- pends altogether upon the spirit of mind in which you seek them. a you hunt them for the fun and the sport of the thing, you wall find them scarcer than woodcock in winter; but look for them with tremulous agitation, (after dark, mind ye — ghosts never stalk in daylight,) each bush, icck, stump, and corner of a fence, will produce enough to freeze the w^arm blood in your bodies in the shaking of a table-cloth. Yet these are but the ghosts of your own fancies, my brethren. Whenever you discover one of them, walk boldly up to it — otfer to shake hands with it — say How d'yo do ? what's the news from your place ? — and if you don't go back satisfied that there was more reality in the ' critter ' than you ever imagined, and that you had made superfine fools of your- selves, you may stop my little supply of happiness here, and cut oti' my only hope of a heaven hereafter. I tell you — and you'd belter believe it — that there is no intercourse, in any way, manner or shape, between the living and the dead. There is a wide gulf that separates them, across which there is no communicating— not even by the lightning telegriph. Tliose mysterious knockings at Rochester, my hearers, are not produced by visitors from the land of spirits. They are, in my opinion, nothing more nor less than Canada knocking at the door of the Union for admission. But this is a world of knocks and knockings. We knock about, knock down, and knock up, in it. There is one knock, however, to which we must all knock under, at la.-i — that is Death's knock at the door of the heart. That rap of his cannot be mistaken ; therefore, when he tanks, be prepare J to budge without a murmur. So mote i< be! 44 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. NIGHT : ITS INFLUENCE ON THE PASSIONS. Text. — Oh, Hy with me! 'tis passion's hour; The woill is gone to sleep ; And nothin;^ wakes in brake or bower Bui those vvlio love and weep: This is the golden time and weather, When songs and sighs go out together, And minstrels pledge the rosy wine To lutes like this, and lips like thine! Mr Hearers : although night furnishes food for melanchoiV, it also brings with it fodder for fancy. Have you not, many a time and oft, sat and chawed the end of imagination, upon a warm summers evening, when the moonbeams danced on the waters, slept on the bank, quicksilvered the trees, and cut various other romantic carlicues, not absolutely necessary to be mentioned ] 1 Know you have: and have you not felt, at passion's witching hour, sensations, remarkable — unaccountable — such as ne/er lay in the power of daylight to produce T Whence they come, or wh^l the cause, is more than I, or any other philosopher, can determine to a certainty; but we all should know that moonshine possesses a vast power over mankind at large, and young lovers specially. My friendg : the author of our text, it seems, would wish some- body to fly with him, ' on such a night,' when ' the moon made everything as light as a co:k.' There can be no reasonable doubt in the world that he felt inclined to fly; but the question is, could he carry out (up) his wishes I My humble opinion is, that if he undertook it, he would succeed just about as well as the nigger did who unperched himself from an apple tree with a coujde of goose's wings in his paws. It being j)assion's hour, the pinions of one's spirit plume themselves for an extensive flight, which is accomplished, generally, in a liiiie less than three-quarters of a thought ; but when the pro;riet.>r of our text asks another to fly with him, the only conclusion tiial I can draw, or pull out, is, that ne IS endeavoring to come a gam^ — and yet one in which theie is a poor Look for success on his i-^rt. Mvdear friends: the next portion of our text speaks of the world having gone to sleep. Yes, the world has gone to sleep — with one eye; the other is wide open. The eye that looks out from China i^^ always wide awake, while the American optic is ioundly wialea with the soporiiic preparation of Soinnus. Oiu SHORT PATENT SERMONS, 45 tw- hemispheres can never be a'loweJ to slejp both at oner— -one musi be on ihe watch while the other enjoys its let-f, but I will leavo Nature to look after these things: she is one of those st.aight- up-ani-down old women that sees everything is correct, withoul making the slight st fuss. Our text inlorms us, too, my friends, that nothing is awake in 'brake or bower, but those who love and weep.' I know v^ry we J that bats and owls are about, at these tinres, and have their eyes wide open ; but whether they love and weep, or love wiih- out weeping, is a question that remains to be decided Ly somebody who pretends to know more than he can well maniige. The in- ventor of the text to my presejit discouise also aumiis us into tha idea that a moonlight n.ght is a 'golden t;me.' It las somewhai of a silvery look, we all know ; but, as for a golden ajipc^aiance, it is neither cast here, nor sl.-ed there; yet, 'the poets eye, in line frenzy rolling,' sometimes discovers that which we, plain prose mortals, possess not the faculty to see — and we are just as well ott" as though we were favored with the privilege My hearers : night is- indeed the time ' when songs and sighs go out together.' No sooner has the sun put on his red cap and gone to bed, than a mysterious influence is felt in the human bosom which no one understands, and for which none pretends to account. The brain gives itself up to reflection — the sweet waters of the soul spoul forth from the fountain of love and sympathy — a rich cream rises upon the milk of human kindness; and, in spite of ourselves, we iael inclinetl towards charity, mercy, benevolence and love. We hardly know whether it were better to sing or sigh — so we do a little of both. We sing to 'drive dull care away,' and sigh to think that our singing is but of little avail. But this nocturnal sighing is, most generally, in consequence of wounds ^mrticted by the arrows of that little curly-headed rascal, Cupid. Brethren, beware of him I — also of moonshine ^nd an evenins; at- mosphere. So mote it be ! CN MAKING AN EFFORT. Text. —If bad be your prospects, don't sit still and cr^, Bui jump up and say to yourself — ' i will try.' My Hearers : the above text-^as the man said of his hddle — wa» 46 SHORT PAT£NT SERMONS. made out of my own head. Perhaps he and I are wooden-headed cotemporaries ; but whether he be dead or alive — whether the sap still circulates in his wooden caput or not, is nothing to me; no jealousy shall exist, on my part, as to who has produced the bet- ter article — I acknowledge mine bad, and know that his could not have been much better. Nevertheless, I intend the text (and the sermon as well) shall go down, w^ithout the aid of an onion or in- genious eloquence. It is as homely as the toad that has a jewel in his head, and everyway forbidding in make as the chesnut bun which contains as sweet and wholesome a nut as Nature ever knew how to manufacture. Yes, friends, in this rough text of mine is to be found any quantity of the seeds of wisdom and in- struction ; hut, if you don't shell them out for yourselves, some- body else will take them, or they will remain upon the parent tree till dropped by the frosts to be rotted upon the ground. My friends : you don't know what you can do till you try. Make a decided etfort; and, like a young robin, when first sent from its nest, you will accomplish a great deal more than you ever exi)ected. Don't sit crying and chirping, like said juvenile fledg- ling, but make a styrt for some high tree of pop(u)larity, and you will fly over more hedges, bushes, ditches and swamps than you would possibly have dreamed of at the outset. Now, in my case : some years ago my ambitious spirit took wing for the highest pin- nacle upon the temple of Fame. Though I didn't reach the de- sired elevation, you find me here, perched in a pulpit — and that is better than accomplishing nothing! which I certainly siiould have effected had I not made a squat, given a hop, spread my wings, and flapped away, like a sea-^uli in the face of a northeaster. Aspire, my young brethren, to be the president of a college, and 1 will warrant that you shall, at least, be qualified for the guidance and command of a country school, where you will be The monarch of all, great and small — Your right none shall dare to dispute ; From the centre all round to the wall. You'll be lord of the fool and the brute. My dear friends : when your prospects are beclouded, and Ihe Future looks as gloomy as a goose pasture in August, don't sit 'lo^vn and allow dread despondency to take entire possession oj vour sp i•il^. NVvtr come to the conclusion tha you possess no? SHORT PATENT SERMONS 47 tbe power to do this or that, but rouse up and say 'I'll try. WiTh the steam of perseverance and a decided determination, you will work wonders — perhaps to your own utter astonishment, riace confidence in yourselves — have faith like a grain of mu'^tard seed; and, if you don't actually remove mountains, you will de molish molehills, which seemed like mcuntains in your way. Off with your coats, ye lazy, mouldy, mildewed, moth-eaten sons of sioth, and try to do something. Spit upon your hands — lay hol:l's BONUS, as they say in Latin — mortified in feeling, and sheepish in looks. However, greenness is antediluvian: it is coeval wiih the world : it is in man's nature, and no chemical nor moral process has ever been discovered by which it can be wholly extracted. Was not mother Eve green when she allowed herself to be tempted by the old serpent to eat of a sour, bitter, wormy, good-for-nothing crab-apple, under the belief that it was as sweet and delicious a pippin as ever graced an orchard 1 And was not father Adam ra- ther verdant to place implicit confidence in a woman who had been deceived by the arch-enemy of mankind ? Most assuredly — as brother Temple would remark. My hearers : men not unfrequently arrive at a ' green old age.* Yes, they often reach the years of threescore and ten with all their greenness as fresh upon them as when they first started upon life's boisterous career. But it is not for me to blame. You are ju?t as Heaven has made you ; and far be it from me to undertake an im- provement upon what the hand Divine has moulded according to his will. I would not point that finger of scorn at you — which, by the way, has got a rag on it — for an interest in Backhempslead Lighthouse. All 1 hope of you is, that you will try so to conduct yourselves during your allotted time upon earth, that Old Nick shan't have it to say, at last, that he has more gieen monsters id 54 SHORT FATCNT SERMONS his net than he knows how to dispose of, under any circumstauce- So Hiote il be ! FUTURE EVENTS. X^yr. — There's a fount about to streanr) There's a light about to beam, There's a warm about to glow, There's a flower about to blow. My Hearers : what the poet meant when he informs us that tliere is a fount about to stream, is more than I can tell for a certainty. It cannot be that he has reference to our Bowling Green fountain ; for v\hen that streams again, you may expect never-failing wateis to fiow from a pile of bricks by the sidewalk, or perpetual springs of charity to burst forth from the petrified heart of a miser. I suppose, however, he was about to have a set-to with some one. and that a crimson stream would soon be sure to flow, either from Lis antagonist's, or from his own beautiful proboscis. My friends : the author of our text further assures us tnat there IS a light about to beam. We all know that a right-hander plumply planted in one's peepers will cause the recipient to see stars : his brain will be brilliantly illuminated for a moment, and all his na- turally-quiet and well-behaved ideas will keep up a jolly row in the attic sanctum of the soul, till the stars that he saw are extin- guished in the effulgence of returning reason. Did your heads never come in sudden and violent contact, my friends, witb a hard- er substance, (say a soft-plastered wall,) and you saw all the pla- nets, the asteroids, the satellites, the constellations, the great bear, the little bear, the monkey and the elephant, in the twinkling of a Dootjack ] If so, then you may possibly understand the meaning of the second line of our text. My dear friends: when 3 ou commence a pugilistic encounter you feel that there is a warmth about to glow. Yes, though the weather be cold enough to freeze the father of salamanders, as soon as your ebenezer begins to rise, you feel as warm as the lowe/ joint of a stove-pipe. Then you are ready to do mischief— to either llax out your opponent, or give natu-re special fits in the un- lertaking. This fighting is warm work, while it lasts. By som* SHORT PATENT SERMONS. SA .1 is considered good exercise, because it tends to solidify rhe tat, harden the constitution and all the amendments, to strengthen the muscles, and the claws, too, if any have been eaten at breakfast or dinner; but, for my part, sooner than report to anything of the kind for exercise, honor or glory, I would get on all-fours and buck with a six-year old bellwether. By the flower that is about to blow, is meant the blue blossom that generally appears somewhere in the neighborhood of the eye soon after the commencement of hostilities, and remains in bloom long after the spurious laurels that may have been gathered for the brow are faded and gone. It is a modest flower, but wanting in sweet fragrance — not planted by the hand of Providence, but by a mortal fist, without charge for services. Now, my hearers, let us look at the text in a literal light. * There's a fount about to stream,' This means that, since Winter has abdicated his throne and vamosed, every river and stream now held in bondage will burst its chains, kick off its icy shackles, and speed on its way laughing, singing, lejoicing in the genial light ol liberty, and reflecting the joyous rays of heaven from its peaceful bosom, like a Dutch-oven at the door of a tin-shop. Such is what is understood by the fount about to stream-; or, it is possible, it might have reference to a new fire engine building at the time. ' There's a light about to beam ;' and this light, my friends, is soon to be seen in the bewitching smile of the lovely virgin, Spring. Anon, and she will be here to kiss and nurse the infant flowerets. now awaking from a decently-Iong nap, and lifting up their littU hands in praise to the Omnipotent — -.or else hollering for help — 1 don't know which. Yes, here is a better light about to beam upon us, and plenty of it. Those cloud-shutters, that now so darken the windows of the sky, must be thrown open, and a cloud of sunshine come down upon us like ten thousand bricks, but with a gentler force and a warmer welcome. Then how delightful it w.Jl be to see everything starting from the ground, as if by the power of some magic wand! Yes, everything will then come up iniJ bask, dance and flourish in the life-renewing vernal light : Violets, cowslips, artichokes, dandelions, skunk's-cabbage, clovef, timothy, toadstools, woodchucks, tumble- bugs, ants, dead cats and dogs, and all that now lie bi>-ied not deeper than two feet below ♦he em face. M fHORT PATENT SERMONS. •Tliere's a warmth about to glowj' so prepare ye, with straw hats and summer toggery, to meet it. There is a perspiring time a-coming to give you a foretaste of what you may have to sip at hereafter, in a climate as much hotter than this as this is hotter than the north of Greenland. Well, let it con»e — I hope it will sweat some of your old musty sins out of you, and make room for fresh ones, more refined, and more in accordance with the fashions of the day and the customs of the age. As regards the ' fiower about to bloom,' I don't know which among ten thousand to designate; we'll call it the jextiphalan- THROPOSAGos, or ' the full-budded Betsy,' and let it pass. It is of no great consequence, any way. In a metaphorical sense, my friends, the 'fount about to stream' is the fountain of Virtue, that, hereafter, is to be kept playing all the while, to beautify the park of society and purify the moral atmosphere of the world It will be opened as soon as Chuich fitreet and the Five Points are prepared to appreciate its beaujes and benefits. ' The light about to beam ' is the blaze of Truth,' that has teen smothered for ages by the smoke and ashes of Error : but it is soon to burst forth and illuminate the whole earth, from pole to pole — from the benighted Indies of the East to the equally dark Oref/jn of the West — thanks to the lightning telegraph and the patent system of preaching. And then a w^armth will begin to glow — the warmth of universal friendship and love; and a flower will b« auout to blow that shall hold its brightness and freshness for ever It is the flower of practical Religion, which whispers to r.r, of ho- nesty in all our business transactions, and of gratitude for every hsav en-bestowed blessing and favor; which tells wi to pull oui neighbor's hair no longer than we would like to waTc our own pulled ; and, above all, to pay what you owe to the tailor, the hat ter, the shoemaker, the butcher, the printer, and tne freachek. So mote it be ! A BRIEF DISCOURSE, Delivered before the half-civilized inhabitants of Barren Island, oo the iwenty-lirst day of January, in the year of the World, ac- cording to Moses, five thousand eight hundred and fifty-three. SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 5T Barren IsJanders : to what slate you belong is a mere matter of biiim se to yourselves, to the world, and to me; but 1 can tell you ^•ijai blaie you are in, just at present. You are in a state of igno- rance, destdution, wretchedness and wo. You don't live, but some* how manage to keep, upon such scripture-forbidden creatures as hari clams, horse-feet, sea-gulls, shitepokes, cranes, bitterns, and owls, without knowing anything about the comforts of religion, roast beef, Christianity, and nice chicken fncasees. 1 know thai you dig money here in abundance, buned by such notorious piraies Epon the high seas as Gibbs and Wansley, and others, who have long ago gone, penniless, to settle with their Creditor and Creator in a world unknown to mortals : but what use is money to you, unless it can procure you the common necessaries of life ] Robin- son Crusoe, (you may not have heard of him,) when cast upon a desolate island like yours, found himself in possession of a bag of gold. 'Worthless trash!' said he, ' how gladly would I exchange thee all for a bite of bread and cheese, a drink of cider, and a p;pe of tobacco!' Here you are, solitary and alone, shut out from the world, and millions of miles from Goo.. The ice prevents your getting to Cennarsia, to Rockaway, or to Coney Island, to obtain the wherewithal necessary to the body's welfare; and 1 don't see how you can possibly contrive to get to heaven at all. Yours is truly a barren, God-forsaken island. The tree of Christianity can get no root here in the sand; whatever moral seeds may hero be sown stand no more chance of germinating than gravel stones in the gizzard of a guinea-hen. Your moral perceptions are as bluni as the end of a crowbar, and your ideas of things in general are as stunted as those dwarfish cedars that surround you. Churches, chapels and school-houses, can have here but a sandy foundation, at the best — the Bible, with you, is an exotic, and >ou know no more about the ten commandments than I do concerning the where- abouts of the ten lost tribes of Israel. The same sun shines upon you as upon us — at night you are overcanopied by the same siar- ry firmament, and the impartial moon sheds the same beams upon your sheep-pen-looking shanties as upon our magnificent mansions. Still you grope in moral and intellectual darkness. You want the lamp of learning to see how you are situated, and a good deal oi gospelling to get you upon the right track. 1 am aware that you are comparatively free from vice ; but 3 ou may thank your wretch- 68 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. Ciiness for that, as vice is best maintained among the weaitbicfit and most fashionable of communities. You are honest, because dishonesty is sanctioned. If one of you has a carrion crow all nicely cooked for dinner, and it is stolen just as the appetite and the spirit say ' Come,' you forgive the thief, and watch for an op- portunity to reciprocate, knowing that you will be forgiven in re- turn, and no questions asked. Natives of Barren Island! Though you are a rough-looking sel, and your numbers be few, still you are no less valuable on such account. The hand Divine that moulded you, also manufactured me, consequently I am your brother, and as a brother I advise you to quit drinking potato whiskey and eating tish-hawks — to put bonnets upon the heads of your wives and shoes upon the feet of your children : in short, to make up your minds to emigrate into a more enlightened land as soon as the sweet damsel Spring is seen to peep from the window of the warm, sunny south. You must transplant yourselves into our great Gotham, and take with you every dollar that you have had the good fortune to dig up. We don't want your money — oh, no ! but we wish you to exchange it for what will enrich the mind, do justice to the stomach, and re- spectably clothe the body. You must know that money, like ma- nure, is of no earthly use until it is spread. So speed to New York — disseminate there your lucre — learn the ways, manners and customs of its inhabitants, and you will become so improved, in the course of a few years, that you won't know yourselves from a regiment of schoolmasters. Outside barbarians ! Perhaps, upon the whole, you har^ Detter stay where you are ; for, in old Manhattan, we have refinement so completely refined that it is perfectly rotten — religion reduced to pol tics — virtue crowned with thorns and spit upon, and vice gar- landed with the flowers of wealth and fashion, but which uiu wholly without fragrance, and destined soon to decay. There- fore, Barren Islanders, I advise you to remain in your present po- sition, especially as I have just learned that an elegant hotel is to be erected close by yonder clump of frightened cedars in the course of the ensuing spring. Then you will have a new spirit pouiea out upon you — your ideas of matters and things in general will be •xalted : you will learn to eat what is eatable, and drink wnat is drinkable. You will put clean shirts upon your moral chaiaaers. SHORT PATENT SERMONS 59 new frocks upon your women, and the rod of correction upon youj children. Furthermore, .' have no doubt that, in the course of a few years, your nov barren, desolate and mosquito-breeding island will be made lo bloon. like a Paradise. So mote it be ! ON SHADOWS. Text. — Sliadow oft the wedded life ; Every boy must have a wife; Every maiden will be wed, Eager heart and simple head. Sure of happiness complete; — What a shadow ! w^hat deceit! When the nuptial link is tied, Shadow husband ! shadow bride ! My Hearers : what shadows we are, and what shadoAvs we pur- sue ! This exclamation is old and wrinkly ; and is, therefore, the more worthy of our considerate regard. We are nothing but sha- dows in pursuit of shadows : the Deity is the substance, and life the sun that causes them. When that is set, the individual sha- dows are seen no more upon the dial of the earth; but all is one universal shade. But life itself is a mere shadow ; — a walking shadow, according to Shakspere — a fleeting shadow, according to Bomebod}' else ; and, according to some other one, it is but the shade of a shadow. Yes, friends, truly did the fishmonger remark when he said ' Life is a shad ! 0, how it flies !' — down the stream of time, in the fall of the year, to the eternal ocean. My friends : what is called wedded life often proves to be a de- lusive shadow to those who enter upon it expecting to experience the joys of everlasting happiness — to know all about heaven at once, and how angels feel on an average : who think they are about to enjoy the bliss of a perpetual Paradise, where not a cure- gnat stings, not a flea-trouble bites, and not a sorrow-worm spiral- izes its way into the core of delight — where they can lay off" in lavender, and have nothing to do but to sport with the golden- backed insert moments as they dance jovially by — where the rose blossoms thornless; where the wheat is gathered chaflless; \\here pleasure is stiiigless, and where snakes are harmless — where the>* 60 SHORT PATENT SERMON*. foolishly imagine they can lhrives, more requires more, (according to Daboll and the devil,) the last more requires most, most wants more yet ; and so on, to ttie end of everlasting. There is no such thing as enough in worldly riches. As vvel might the sow be supposed to get enough of wallowing in the mire, as for a mortal to be satisfied with roll ing in the carrion of wealth. So false are your ideas of the means to obtain happiness, that you would, if you could, coax angt & from the skies to rob them of the jewels in their diadems. I have Qoi the least doubt of it. My dear friends : I will tell you how to enjoy as much bliss as heaven can afford to humans. Be contented with what you have, no matter how poor it is, till you have an opportunity to get some- thing better. Be thankful for every crumb that falls from the ta- ble of Providence, and live in the constant expectation of having the luck to pitch upon a whole loaf. Have patience to put up with present troubles, and console yourselves with the idea that your situations are paradises compared with some others. When you have enough to eat to satisfy hunger — enough to drink to quench thirst — enough to wear to keep you decent and comfortable — ^just enough of what is vulgarly called ' tin ' to procure you a few lux- uries : when you owe no one, and no one owes you, not even a grudge — then, if you are not happy, all the gold in the universe can never make you so. A man, much wiser than I, once said. Give me neither poverty nor riches; and I look upon him as the greatest philosopher that the world ever produced. All he want- ed was CONTENT, Sufficient bread and cheese, and a clean shirt. Take a pattern after him, ye discontented mortals who vainly imagine that bliss alone is to be found in the palaces of wealth and opulence. My hearers : if you consider all creation too poor to aiford you a pennyworth of pure blessedness, you must pray to become re- conciled with its poverty. Grease your prayers with faith, and send them up in earnestness, hot from the soul's oven. This ma- nufacturing cold petitions with the lips, while the heart continual- y cries Gammon, is no more use than talking Choctaw to a China man. Heaven understands no such gibberish; it only knows tlif: pure, simple language of the spirit — the soul's vernacular. So, wucn you pray, do it in as simple a manner as possible, but with C4 SHORT PATENT SERM0K8. red-aot narnestness, and your souls will find rest wherever yon are —whether nibbling at a crust in poverty-hollow, or half-starving in California while endeavoring to transmografy a bag of gold-dust into an Indian-pudding. So mote it be ! HOW TO PASS THE HOLIDAYS. Text. — Welcom, welcom again to thy wits, This is a hoaJay j We'll have no plots nor melancholy fits, But merrily passe the time away. They are mad that are sad ; Be ruled by me, And never were two so merry as we. The kitchen shall catch cold no more, We'll have no key on the buttery door, The fiddlers shall sing. The house shall ring, And the world shall see What a merry couple we will be With these good things before our sights, Grant us, good Lord, good appetites ! My Hearers: here we are, with heel just off of Christmas and toe upon New Years — up to our middles in the merriments of the holidays. Now let us enjoy them, for both the stomach's and the heart's sake — for the good of both body and soul. Away with melancholy; shut pan upon all unpleasant recollections; let the past be undisturbed, and the future rest in peace. Let us have no glromy thoughts — no moody fits — nor allow care to kick up a row an ong the social and festive joys of the present. The wearied and toil-worn mind calls for relaxation once in a twelvemonth, at least ; and, in order that it may obtain it, you must first get its lord anil master, the belly, into a good humor. Therefore, .«pare not the turkey, neither the wine, nor the ale, nor the cake; for these be they that please the inner man, and induce him to grant a holi- day to his hard-working servant, the mind; at which the heart is .naJe to dance, and the face of the outer gentleman to glow with gladness. ily dear friends : wear no sad nor sour looks about these days; •HORT PATENT SERMONS. 65 Cliristmas anJ New Year's come but once while mother Earth pe'-- formji her aniiial journey rcuiiid old father Sol: and if, durine their visits, you won' take the pains to festoon the heart with evergreen wreaths, dotted with the Eternal Golden Flowers of Joy and ciook the corners of your mouths a little upward for the oc- casion, you haJ beUer creep into a hollow tree, or burrow up and lie dormant, like wooJchucks, for the winter. There is a time foi al'i things, says the Book of Truth; and now is the time to drink, eat, sing, fiddle, dance, and be merr}' — old folks, young folks, mid- dle-aged, and all. If your pecuniary pouch is in too collapsed a state to admit of your participating in the pleasures of the ball- room, the theatre, the banquet, and the other usual festivities of the season abroad, sit by your own fireside — warm your toes and your stomachs — be of good cheer yourselves, and make cheerful the little circle around you. See that the kitchen catches cold no more for the present ; throw away the key to the pantry door; rejoice, with the chilJren, at the kind, generous visit of good old Santa Claus; bring out the apples, the nuts, the cakes and the ci- der; call in the fiddler, and let the world hear, if it can't see, how happy and gay you can be if you only set yourselves about it — that you are determined to rub up and polish year's ru.sty chain, if you have to take a piece of your shirt for the want of a rag to do it with. My friends : if we live long enough, old wrinkles must deforn: the pretty features of us all; but, when they do come, let mem come with mirth and laughter, and not with grief and anxiety thtj will wear the better for it. In fact, there is nothing like ha- Ditual merriment to lengthen out a man's days to the period at vhich these honorable corrugations are commonly developed. So be cheerful at all times, if possible ; te-hee and haw-haw as much as you can, ' in spite of wind and weather,' and be right merry, during the holiday season, at any rate. Laughter clears the cob- webs away that the spiders of care are so apt to spin in the cor- ners of one's heart; and there is nothing in this world that sick- ness and death are so shy of as a jovial soul. But, brethren, to keep the heart, soul and mind in good trim, I tell you, the capri cions wants of the stomach must be attended to. If these be ne glected, the heart grows cold and clammy — the mind morose and peevish — the brain muddv — and your features are either blank aa 6 66 SHORT PATENT SERMOW8. a piece of pasteboard, or melancholy as a portrait upon a tomb* stone. When the s'omach cries for food, feed it ; when it is dry, give it drink; and when it is cold, see that you warm it; it can scarcely be too warm to suit the other members of the corporeal family. Yes, keep it comfortably warm, and well fed, and those laborers — the legs, arms and hands — will not be slow in doing their duty, while the heart is as blithesome as a singing bird, and the ideas are busy as bees gathering honey from the flowers of June. I won't say, with some philosophers, that a man's brains are most- ly deposited in his belly, or that his intellectual faculties are situ- ated among tae ruobish of the stomach; but I do most strenuous* ly contend that one's thoughts, ideas, mental endeavors, peace and contentment of mind are controlled by these two important organs ■ — the latter especially. When that is not in proper tune, all the rest of the machinery — both mental and physical — is out of kilter. When that animal — the stomach — is properly provided for, the bristles upon the human disposition lie down as sleek as feathers upon the breast of a duck; the heart looks through the windows of the eyes, laughing for joy ; rosy smiles bunst into bloom all the way from brow to chin; and the whole individual can't help ex- hibiting outward signs of delight, because of the comfort within. Theieforc, brethren, attend well to the animal, in order that the INTELLECTUAL, the MORAL, and the IDEAL, may be pleased and sti- mulated to praiseworthy deeds. Some of you have stomachs na- turally as cold as a potato-Jiole left open in winter. Your very 'ooks, manners and address betray the fact ; for they^, too, are icy as the mountains of Greenland. Now, I advise all such to tuck under their jackets as much of the good stuff of the season as there is room for, conveniently; but be careful, at the same time, not to overload the aforesaid animal: for, be it recollected, it is not a beast of very heaven burden. Furthermore, I advise you — whose presence is enough to freeze a v;^arm social knot in the most com- fortable of apartments — as Paul advised Timothy, i. e., during the remaitider of the holidays, to ' take a little wine for the stomach's sake,' and make yourselves agreeable. I agree with friend Shak- Bpere, that it is better to let the liver heat with wine, than the heari cool with mortifying groans. This creeping into the jaundice by denying the stomach, and withholding all encouragement to actioi) froii\ tH liver, and iheicby becoming as fretful and peevish as per. SHORT lATCNT SERMONS. 67 tnp'nes, shovis a woful want of wisdom, to make the best of it. It won't do — it won't do, brethren ! In ihis sunlit, social an i so- ciable world, you must keep up the cheer, some way or another, or poke out of it — and that not long after shortly. • Assist na- ture,' as brother Brandreth says. Fire up — raise sulhcient steam 10 keep the mortal machinery in operation; and, meanwhile, see that tie gudgeons are well greased with the fat of the land — otherwise it must rust, and come to a dead stand-still ; and so re- main, beyond the possibility of ever receiving another start upon «arth. My hearers : now you are surrounded by a host of accessories, comforts and luxuries : and, with all these good things before you, may heaven grant you good appetites ! If you can't enjoy the pleasures of the table, you can no more enjoy the other (and per- haps more rational) pleasures of the world than a snake can walk a slack wire on the tip of its tail. I pray that you all may have The power and will To eat your fill — that you may be lively, social and gay for the rest ot this festive season. After which, you may stuff or stare — be glad or sad — for aught I care ; but, for your own sakes, try to keep the heart in a merry mood till Christmas comes again. So mote it hri ON sNurriNo. Text. — Knows he that never took a pinch, Nosey, the pleasure thence that Hows ? Knows he the titillating joy Which MY nose knows ! 0, Nose ! I am as proud of thee As any mountain of its snows : I gaze on thee, and feel the joy A Roman knows ! My Hearers: I have, as you all well know, denourice(^ thai ' «ile weed,' tobacco, because its indulgence is so apt to lead ^o disjust- \ng excesses. Yet there is nothing in its nature baneful to health, if used, and not abnsed ; but, on the contrary, it rather conduces ic iojige.vitj ; fo' «i some one will only take the paii** i.> ascer- 68 SHORT PATEHT SERMOK8. lain the fact, it will be found that the majority of those who h\e 10 remarkable ages have been notorious, if not Aiveteiate, partak- ers of the weed, in some shape or other — pipe-smoking in thciv gooJ oU days, especially. True, tobacco contains poison : so does a po;ato, in a very great degree ; but who is fcolish enough to say that potatoes shall be dispossessed of the pr.vilega of bting loved and eaten, on that account 1 No one, of course. Remember ye, my friends, that a certain portion of poison is a necessa'-y ingre- d.ent of the food that you eat, of the air that you breathe — and, peihaps, I may say, of every pleasure in which you are pione to indulge. In this funny world, there is a mysterious blending of good and evil — of right and wrong — and of the purifying and the poisonous — which, taken in proper combined state, is -all for the best.' At any rate, no more harm can be feared therefrom thm from the commingling of the deadly, the innocuous, and the exhi- lirating gases, of which our purest atmospheie is composed. My friends : what I have particularly to say about tobacco is this: The use of it is agreeable to yourselves, but rayther ofTen- sive to others. If you chew, or chaw, (^or in any language you CHOOSE,) you must salivate, in a greater or less degree; and who can endure an excess of ptyalism, even in a kitchen 1 Spitting is one of the most contemptible habits that ever hooked iU^i. upon humanity. I say contlmptible; for what can postib.y be a stronger exhibition of contempt than a squirt of saliva towards your most respected person 1 Now, for my part, I would about as iief a body should spit upon me as at rne; and he might as soon eject his juice in my face as upon my boots ; for, know ye, that my boots have a certain amount of respect for themselves, as well as my lizzeog. And now, to give you my sincere belief; no man taa be admitted into the principal parlor of heaven, who, pei- force of habit, spits as he goes, and might accidentally spit upon the vestal drapery of an angel. My hearers : I have no doubt that much pleasure is derived from ' snuffing;' but my nose knows it not. The titillation occa- «oned by a pinch cannot be otherwise than agreeable; and then the sneeze — if you are so fortunate as to be favored with one — is not that delightful 1 What pleasure can be enjoyed this side of heaven to exceed a powerful sneeze "? But the worst of it is, if you ■^'veome addicted to tiekling the nostrils with powdered lobac SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 69 CO, the nose gets obstinate, and refuses to sneeze. What is the consequence 1 — you persevere in goading this poor, innocent mem- ber, all to no purpose. Sneeze he won't, and sneeze you can'i nnake him. And then how horribly it affecls your sjie^ch ! In- stead of distinctly saying shilling, you merely utter siiil'n, anJ, for plain English pudding, you can only get out someth.ng ihat sounds like pl'd'n. Now, my friends, if you are determined to use tobacco in any way. manner, or shape, do it, as everything else should be done, in moderation, or don't you do it at all. So mote it be ! THE BLISS OF CHILDHOOD Text. — So glad a life was never, love. As that which childhood leads. Before it learns to sever, love, rhe roses from the weeds ; Then, to be very duteous, love. Is all it has to do, And every flower is beauteous, love, And every folly true. Mv Hearers : It is interesting, if not profitable, to sit and think for a while upon the vicissitudes ol life : to look back, with Me- mory's eye, upon the Pasi : to dwell for a fev/ moments, upon the Present, and lo speculate upon the Future. The Past delights us with its amaranthine blossoms, and tease.s us with an occasional thorn. Many, 0, many, are the poises that paint the heath of remembiance, and garnish to loveliness the arena of bygone days. They bloom on, untouched by the hoar frosts of time, and preserve their pristine beauty even when sur- rounded by the snows of Life's cold and cheerless December. But some flowers have faded and died, and thorns, sharp aa needles, have sprung up in their places. If they do not wound, the heart, they prick the fingers and tear the calico of Retrospec- tion, as she draggles her skirt among them ; nevertheless, whea she comes home and ttiinks upon the matter. «he is rather pleased than otherwise with the amount of her ramblings. I will tell you where the prickers grow. When Memory visits the tomhf 70 IHORT PATENT SERMONS. of the friends and play-companions of our youth, she there findt piercing thorns. At the place where wc let slip gohlen opi)ortu nilies, anJ silvery chances, are planted briars that scratch reflec- tion and annoy llie minJ ; and the monuments of Sin, Error and Folly are sunounded with nettles that sting the feet of Recollec- Tion nil they dance the oddest of jigs, hornpipes and fanJangoes. 'I he Present is altogether an unsatisfactory affair. It furnishes *vveet music ; but its melody falls unheeded upon the ear, and its harmony is but jarring discord to our uneasy souls. It is gar- landed with roses ; but we perceive not their beauty, nor enjoy a sense of their fragrance — we care no more for them than for so many toadstools. It offers us joy by the jugfull, but we won't take pains to pull the stopper out. It sets before us a big plattei of jtleasure; but we choose to gnaw a knuckle-bone of care, or sop our hard crusts in the drippings of hope. If there be any reality, my friends, to the jjresent, it is seldom or never realized by us mysterious mortals, who are everlastingly looking over the fence for the same flowers that are being crushed beneath our boots. The Future, brethren, is always either illumined with the bright rays of hope, or overcast with the dark clouds of despair — more generally it presents the former aspect. And here al'ow me to g.ve yon a lb in paring of advice, all ye who see bugaboos in the dim distance, and would cut 'cross lots to eternity : 'Hope on, hope ever !' — That's the motto for any two-legged creature that pretends to the ownership of a thinking-niachinc. God guides the beastfs, but upon YOUR necks he tbrows the reins, and leaves you to go to glory, or to grass — ^just as you see fit. You bave the power, to a certain extent, to make yourselves comfortable or miserable at every stage, scaffold or omnibus of life; and why don't you make yourselves easy — as easy as you can } Because you like to coax misery to yourselves for the comfort of fretting, worrying and making others around you as miserable as yourselves. As Silver- brass says — and says with more poetry than truth, and not much of either — You catch the itch to enjoy the delightful fun and cx- ijuisite pleasure of scratching. Aly friends: perhaps yon may think my text to be in'ected wuh tfome contagious di>ease, that 1 keep so far out of it& neighbor- hood. 1 will approximate a httle — who's afraid] There are nn,re SHORT PATENT SERMONS if leas ouds to be picked, and flowers to be plucked, in every sea <--n of man's existence, and at every moment of his life— excep' •vlien he is asleep and has the nightmare; but it is Childhood only '.hat gathers them in big bunches. Manhood gathers grapes from thislJes; but two-thirds oi them are sour enough to make a pg sing a song of Jeremiah, and pitch upon the highest octave in ih^ unwritten music of hog-dom. Old Age — unlike, and yet likj, Childhood — finds beautiful blossoms at the portal of the tomb, as once they were found blooming by the cradle when life was fresu and new. But oh, my friends ! if you ever sucked pure joy, plea sure and happiness through a straw, as it were, it was when you were young colts, calves, lambs, puppies, chickens, ducks, or gos- lings— whichever you might have been ! Then the momenrjs seemed to sport and dilly-dally by the wayside, hke the goiden* mailed insects and versicolored butterflies — the hours slipped as smoothly along as though they were greased for the occasion. — Time trod softly, noiselessly, in his stocking-feet, as if fearful iesi he should awake the infant. Care, so quietly sleeping in the hap- py bosom of childhood — the year, that appears to man but a brief hour, seemed an eighth of eternity, and as full of delight as it ap- peared long. Oh, those blissful, dreamy days of our youth ! they never will again throw their silken mantle upon us poor, wayworn md path-weary pilgrims ! My hearers : the ignorance of Childhood constitutes its chiefesl bliss. It knows nought of the troubles, trials and disappointments that are to beset Jt in after years : it has not learned to sever the roses from the weeds ; but every blossom is pretty, beautiful, love- ly — be it the noxious stinkweed, expanding its corolla by the barn- yard, or the innocent violet modestly peeping from out its grass- hidden home. All it has to do is to be duteous and have its face washed ; and it doesn't trouble itselt much about these so long an it is happy, gay and mdependent. With it every fo' • is true, every fancy a fact, and every shadow a subsiauc.. .^^ke ' tne poor Indian,' it sees God's likeness in the thunder-heau^, and hears the whisperings of angels in the warm summer breeze. Its spirit opens to itself a paradise, and revels therein, never thinking, alaa : that it must one day be driven out into a wilderness of anxieties, to delve and to toil — to ea^n its bread by the sweat of its brow — eal .t ill s( now, and call life a humbug, at last ! So mote it be! 2 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. ON STARVING LOVE TO FEED PRID£. Tkxt. — To such a place remove our camp As will no siege abiJe : I hate a fool who starves her love Only to feed her pride. My Hearers: every one of us, in this unsatisfactory si^he.'-e. rfeenis to entertain a fault-finding wonder as lo • why heaven ha« made us as we are V The only answer to this is, Heaven, Nature, iaod, Creator — or whatever name you choose to apply — has made us as we arc, for the good reason that we couldn't have been pui into a better shape to afford scope for our mental and physical fa- culties. Yet thousands and thousands there are who find fault with themselves, or rather with the One who devised, planned and put them together. They are not satisfied with being them- selves, bat they must be somebody ej.se; still — strange as the anomaly may appear — no one seems really willing lo swap him- self for the best live mortal upon earth. Ask one of the juvenile feminine gender whether she had rather be a boy than a girl, she will answer: ' To rather be a gal.' And vice versa with the other sex. Still, all we frail mortals are more or less inclined lo a>! 80 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. outlive the maior part of animation. There is an insect th/it it born and fulfils its destiny in tlie brief space of a single hour. [What an existence for anything possessed of vitality, and suscep- tible of pain and pleasure !] Crows live ten years — rabbits, ten — dogs, in the country, reach fifteen or twenty; but, in cities, they are made into sausages ere they arrive at seven : and cats, with their nine lives — reckoning seven years to an existence — can't brag much over man concerning tlieir re.narkable longevity. But our days have latterly been reduced to a verry narrow space, for Bome ])rovidential reason or other, which it wouldn't appear mo dest in me to inquire into at present. I suppose, however, that if we were allowed to live longer than we do, there wouldn't be room for other folks to live. 'Come up to the bar, take a drink, fall back and make room for the rest,' seems to me to be the grand re- gulations, relative to life, as well as to taking toddy. JNly dear friends : what is life ? It is the twin brother of Noth- ing — a shade of a shadow — an empty dream — a mere name. We persuade ourselves that we live, and are satisfied ; but to whom shall it be left to say that we are not laboring under a mighty de- lusion ? No matter — ' Vot's the hodds so long as we are 'appy !* as the Cockney would say. Thafs it — so long as we can enjoy ourselves, it is all right. We must eat, drink, make love, and be merry : and if, in the end, we find that life has been short, we can console ourselves with the idea that its sweetness has more than e'ou are wanting in courage when you flee from the goddess of Truth, ai.J seek for protection beneath the folds of Self-interest. You dare not pursue the right path when the wrong is consider- ed the most popular one. '\'ou dare not bid defiance to the Devil, and cut your way single* handed to God and everlasting glory. You don't possess the courage to treat with considerate contempt a challenge to Hght a duel. No, you are frightened into a fight . if you fall, the earlh hides you, and the fragrance of your virtues is walled away forever upon the winds of forgetful ness: if you live, you l.ve to rue the hour that you engaged in the deed. ^'ou haven't the courage ^o oppose Fashion in her freaks and follies. You may whine at them for a while ; but, eventually, you yield by inches, and, finally, are found kissing her heel. You haven't the courage, half of you, who call yourselves boys MATUKKi), to pop the question at once, and bring to terms a fond, allectionate, loving foe, who is an enemy to your single enjoy- ments and arrays herself in hostile attitude against your bachelor- ic blisses. You haver t the courage to stay away from a fashionable churc'j, au.l pray in your own closets. You haven't I he courage to face a man in the street to whom you owe a few dollars, and say to him blandly, 'My dear friend. I Leliive you have a lock of my hair: and I trust you will keep il, lor t»IJ acquaintance sake, till fortune favors me with sufficient PEWTER to pay you off according to your deserts.' IMy dear friends : 1 give a very short sermon this morning, but n il aie contained seeds which, if properly planted, will produce 6 92 SHORT PAT£NT SERMOXS. an hundred fold — relaung to your happiness here, and your hopes of an hereafter. So mote it be ! ON MADNESS. Teat. — Some grow mad by studying much to know; But who grows mad by studying good to grow 1 My Hearers : one Festus of old told the sober St. Paul that he was beside himself — that much learning had made him mad; but the good Saint, in reply to Mr. Festus, assured him that he was not mad, but spake the words of truth and soberness. I can't crowd it into my narrow belief that Paul's mental machinery was any ways out of kilter ; yet the fact of his asserting its soundness does not prove it to have been undamaged ; for who ever knew a crazy man that did not proclaim, and actually believe, himself to be as sane as you or 1 1 Paul, however, knew what he was about : no much learning ever drove him to distraction. He was always too calm, sober and philosophical to permit such a thing. An old friend of mine, Alexander Pope, Esq., seems to disagree with Capt. Festus in regard to much learning making a body mad. He shel- ters the opinion that a little learning kicks up more of a fuss among the intellectual faculties than a great deal of the article. ' It is your shallow draughts from the goblet of lore,' he used to say, ' that intoxicate the brain ; take a big pull at it — one of the old- fashioned swigs — or let it alone.' I perfectly agree with friend Fope in respect to imbibing the liquor of learning. My friends : much study (not learning) sometimes gets the brain orffan out of tune ; but there is little danger of your noddles ever becoming deranged by excessive commendable studiousness : you are more likely to go mad by vainly endeavoring to study out ways and means to mane money and get a living without work — such are your sordid desires and poudrettical inclinations. I wonder what Nature was thinking about when she cast them, with all the purer ingredients, into the mould of humanity ! But my brother fools — those who call themselves philosophers — are too apt to un- dertake the investigation of matters as much beyond the reach of human cot prehension as the moon is above the reach of a squirt* SHORT PATENT SERMONS. US ^m, and about the how and the wherefore of which the Creator of tlie universe intended them to know no more than the blind mole knows about astronomy. There are simple mysteries wh.ch no mortal can solve; ard yet, brethren, you vviii confuse the order and ar'-angement of your upper stories in attempiing to unravel then. You never can understand how a tree grows — how the in visible wind can have strength sufficient to wrestle with the giant forest trees, and la} them fiat on their backs in less than half of a wag of a woman's tongue — what keeps the earth, s=un, moon and stars for ever rolling; and why, like us, poor, perishiiig lumps of locomotion, ihey don't grow the worse for wear — what makes the magnetic needle point to the north, and the finger of .Hope upward — how lightning can travel thousands of miles upo:> the tidegiaphic wire, in just no time at ail — why a })ig carries a siraw in his mou.h before a lain — and how it happens that you are so 'fearfully and wonderfully made.' These things you never can unriddle; ntver- theless, you will keep digging at them, studying at (not into) them, till finally your thinkers become wearied by being overtasked, and refuse to peilorm their functions wiih anything like ttieir wonto-i regularity. You have studied hard, and learned nothing afte- h'ii. One man goes crazy because he can't comprehend who teacht;' r.hii spider how to spin and to weave, while his daughters can be taugh? neither the one nor the other ; another, because it is impossible foi him to know how the hornet and the v.asp can make good brown paper without ever having learned the tiade; a third, because the mason-bee understands the making uf ni:;itar without the least in- stru-rtion ; and a fourth, because the hr.ney-bee is familiar with the principles of geometry and architecture wit.hout the knowledge of books or having gone abroad f .»r in.^..i,n;tl;on. 1 once k^ew a lunatic, my brethren, who in his parli-iLiy-lvcId moinents declared that what 'knocked his brains into i^i ' w?.s the endeavor to find out the beginning of God — how the wor.'d cculd have been made out of nothing— and why the devil couldn't liave been created a gentleman instead of a scoundrel, since the ccal of the raw mate- rial was precisely the same, und the man'.;facture attended with no greater trouble nor expense These mysteiious matters, my dear friends, should never bother you: what you can't unriddle, learn to let alone; that's the way I do when I look at a crab gojog it eidewise upon an overland journej *o the sea-shore. 84 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. Mv clear friends : it is impossible for you to acquire any ^reat amount of maJness by endeavoring to grow good; notvrithstanu- iug j;t;oj)le gentridly will look upon you as nOxN compos if you try lo be good by doing good in this fashionably- vvicked world. Vny no attention to what Mrs. Grimes or Mrs. Grundy nn.ay say, but administer the soothing syrup of sympathy to the sick — pour out at least half a glass of pity for the unfortunate — give as much aid and comfort to the poor and needy as you can righteously afford — be charitable, benevolent and kind to all your fellow beings — leave politics to the hungry fishers for office : the management of the wind and weather to Nature, and preaching to me ; and, if you are erer sent to a mad-house, it will be because you are too sober, la- tional and sensible to keep company with the common multitude of lunatics at large. So mote it be ! rLA!u PREACHING. Tjext. — On Bible stilts I don't affect to stalk, Nor lard with Scripture my familiar talk : For man may pious te.\ts repeat, And yet religion have no inward seat. Mv Hearers : f suppose you have found out, by this'time, that I never meddle much uilli the Bible in my homespun discourses— never poach uj-oi. t!.e joescvfeion of gospel preachers; but, upon my own hoos, oera-clly free and independent, giving the truth, the whole ttu'.h, anil .^/rmelirj.es (to be liberah more than the truth— uninfluencf'i by favor, unswayed by motive, and undeterred by fear. This is the way \ do- -I. I:^Jyself, Dow, Jr., P. P., Paten'. Preacher, and F. R. S., First R^;e C'^i.Tonizer. I never lard with scripture my plain, fa:;'aliar lalk . oecause I don't think myself qualified to the task of expbji)ii)o: the hidden meanings contained in the book of mysteries. While others 'holler' upon religion, I hammer up- on molality — and I do believe that, take it in and out, altogether, and every way, morality operates more beneficially upon society thai! religion. Because why — about half the religion, nowadays, IS as impure as the water of a goose-pond — a counterfeit mess of iituii, unfit for the redemptit d of a BedouiD Arab : whereas, mo SHORT PATENT Si!;XMO>S. 35 raJity is more palpable, and adm;ts of no disguise. It is plain, un- dssuming and unchanging — ihe saltpetre that saves a man's repu- tation, and the brine in which his earthly happiness is pickled. ]\Iy friends : in my sermons, I, most generally, mean wiiat I say / tell you to live virtuously, because 1 believe you will be the hap pier for it ) to live honestly, and you will get through the world smoothly; live prudently, and you will be prepared for all the lit- tle unexpectancies of life, that seem to rise from the ground, like moths and millers in the dusk of evening ; live temperately, anJ probably neither Death nor the Devil will catch you napping at the half-way house upon the high road of e.xislence. My hearers: endeavor to be contented with your situations till the time arrives for bettering them. Uneasiness wastes the body and undermines the health ; and the soul may easily fret itself out of house and home. If you were all to govern yourselves, the world would need but little governing. But man is a hog, anyhov^ — he will neither bi» coavsd nor driven, and yet he wants somebody to look after hiwi. ¥".5. and woman is a hogess. Learn to bear disappointments cheerfully. What has nappei.ed can't be altered ; a bad-fitting coat may be, however — ay, the coat may be altered, but the fact of the tailor having m<.ae a mistake ran never be helped. Try hard to promote the happiness of others. If you succeed, your own happiness will be ,[,('t up sovera< notches. It always gives me pleasure to see evc-i a dog tjckled. Have a sacred regard for truth and honesty; a fond regard for each other; a generous regard for the diilerent )»rinciples and opi- nions of mankind; and a particular regard for the fair sex. Livt* a? you ought to live, aiid take good care not to die 'as the foul dieth.' So mote it be I The lady who sent me the biilet-ilouv c.')rr\menrii:ff v.'ith ' AV'h.i; is that thing we ' \\\ a kiss '■ iic is soi-.cMed to send mc aaoii-iet >mially as r.-ch. 86 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. THE THREAD OF NATURE. Text.- INly thread is small, my thread is line, But he must be A -slronger than thee Who ran bitaK tnis iliiean d? mine. Mv Heaj her ways — which are not to be barked at. So mote it be ' NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE. Text. — E'en guides may sometimes miss their A^ay, Deceived by sore mischances; And righteous men be led astray By change of circumstances. The truest balance sometimes falls, E'en when 'tis best adjusted. And strong temptation may prevail 'Gainst those whom most we've trusted. My Hi:\Ki:us : the best miss it, sometimes — I know I do myself. Practising at pistol-shooting the other day, at my friend's, Mr. Ot- tignon, I had tiie heart to endeavor to hit the heart of one ^vhom they call a 'man;' but I missed it. Trying again, however, I haa the fortune to eileci my cruel purpose ; and yel, moreover, where- as, nevertheless, as he hadn't the courtesy to fall, I looked upon him as ' no gentleman,' but a ' hard character,' and one wim whom neither words aoi dealings were of any avail. With all my self-K'liance and natui.tj confidence, I not only missed my way lor once, but got hold of the v/iong customer entirely. I can ' teach ihe young idea iicw to shoot,' a good deal better than I can do the shooting for it. If it only dot.*; as I fAY, it v/ill do well enough ; but if it always dies as I Do, the mark will sometimes be missed. Even guides may sometimes miss their way, rigl .y says mv text 6S SHORT PATENT SERMONS. \i you expect me, or any other poor but honest preacher, to gui(i# you along a dark and dubious world like this without getting into an occasional moral muJhole, you put your e.xpeclatio'is where they will be likely to get damaged. We can't always go right if we would; and, if we could, I doubt whether a hundreth of ua would — for it is human to err and go astray. So then man's na- ture must be changed before he can follow strictly the pati.' of pro- priety, without deviating to the right or to the left. When his God shall give him instinct instead of reasonfor his guide, he will walk siraight — but not until then. My friends : that virtuous men may be led astray by change of circumstances, is a melancholy fact. When a man becomes poor, and gets hard up, with big owl-eyed starvation staring at him from a short distance, he will turn off and go devil-ward in sj):te of all pious pushings to the contrary. Righteousness and roast beef are luxuries that he can't afford ; and so he serves Satan for something to season and make palateable the cold porridge of poverty. There is no knowing, my friends, what we might do if our circumstances were unfortunately to change. Destitution will sin for a sixjience, and Hunger and Thirst will keep themselves where they can get a chance, without regard to right or wrong. My friends: attempt to go as straight as you will, you are all certain, at times, to step off the moral crack. Even pastors and bishops do things that heaven don't like to look at; and there is no one living in this little round world but whose sc;:l i^ '.noro ot less bespotted with petty sins and insigniJicant iiiiiU'ties. The trues": balance may fail, no matter how well it be a.ijusted; and a tew intoxicating drops may sometimes lind their w.iy accidentally into the soda of temperance. Some temptations arc strong — very ?trong. If they can't draw an omnibus half a mile, they are strong enough to snap the stoutest halter of resolution ever ivvist- ed by the human will. Oh, it is most amazing hanl to resist some of the temptations that beset us as we jotimey through life I If »he spirit wrestle with them, there is d.i'.^^er of ifs getiing the v/orst :a it. But I would have you, my friends', gi /e ihem a try in all '<»s ; for there i.* no tilling what might be done, since Samson .t»w the Philistines. Sc mote it be' SHORT PATENT SERafO*--? GOOD DEEDS SHINE. Text. — How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a naughty world. My Heare.is: you must make all due allowance for my homely discourses, when I tell you that I never bestow a pre-thought upon them. When the period arrives for putting them out, I jump up and HOLLER, as near to the mark as I can bring my poor faculties to bear. If I hit it I feel proud, ar-^ if I miss it I content myself with the idea that it is the lot of humanity to err at times, as the drunken man said when he mistook the pig-pen for his bed-room. But. to my te*:t. No man, my fnends, lights a candle and puts it in his pocket, nor under a bushel ; but he lets it shine, that ail may see and be seen by it. A little candle throws its beams a good ways, and devours darkness equal to a million times its magnitude. It is seen from a long distance, and Is an object of attraction, if not admiration, to mankind generally, as well as to moths and millers, So, verily, even so, shines a good deed amid the darkness of a wicked world — glowing, like the will-o'-the-wisp, by the putrid pools of iniquity, and over the dead marshes of immorality. My friends: a good deed will stick out, with an inclination to spread, like the tail of a peacock. It is bound to shine, for a cer- tainty; and the more it is surrounded by vices, follies, crimes and ungodl} deeds, the greater is its lustre, and the more strongly is it admired. Good deeds are noticed and praised, even by the most depraved : their brightness is attractive, and their savor is sweet ; but evil anions, like crushed rotten eggs, siink in the nostr.l.s ol all — from ihe highest angel in heaven down to the lowest robbe.i of a hen-ro?.st. Good deeds commaxND the respect of the '.voru— no matter to vbom belongs the paternity, whether he wear a wlut*' skin, or exhibit the sooty habiliments of the Ethiopian. 80 V.r. tue shines, in th-i murky .atmosphere of vice, hke a little cand »•-- like the star 01 evcLing p'^.eping through a crevice in the cJou > — like the fair round moon at mi-lnight — ay, like the eterna' tu«i in the heavens, dispensir.g light, cheerfulness and juy to ail My dear friends: what are good deeds ? They are :hese : Vih.i- i.ig ih-i fatherless in their afflictions — those founulir.^'s, who K.-st t»eer» dropped by the wayside, like a duck's egg Vy a mujhole— Ijiving them comlort aid a few coppers, to cheer and .assist ihi'-ii 30 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. Upon their lonely and helpless career : visiting, too, the widows in their nielancholy moments — gently stroking them with the hand of sympathy, and doing your prettiest, not only to reconcile them 'o their solitary situations, but to give them hopes of a husband to come : locking after the orphans, whose clambering minds need assistance and care, to prevent their young tendrils from clinging to poisonous and dangerous objects. These are all good deeds ; but better .still for you is to keep yourselves clear of the grease- spots of the world : pay all you honestly owe to your God and to your fellow creatures : take no unjust advantage of any man : as eist any one, friend or foe, in his hour of trouble : be, at all times, charitable, benevolent, open, frank and honest — and the lustre that will surround you will as much outshine the light of a little can- i-^Ie. as the noonday sun surpasses the feeble, phosphorescent glow emanating from the tail-end of a lightning-bug. So mote it be! LIES : INNOCENT, AND WICKED. Tekt. — Ye have no cause to fear — be bolde, For ye may here lie uncontrouled, And ye in this have good advauntage, For lyeing is your common usage. My Hearers : telling a lie, with a bold, brazen face, and sticking to it — or propping it up with a multitude of minor lies — sometimes helps a man along wonderfully in this world ; but, in his passage to the next, there is no question but they will be a dead wt^'ght upon him. They will so. And as for any of you, my listeners, ever thinking to get to heaven with a load of lies upon your con- sciences, you might as soon contemplate swimming through Hell- Gate with a grindstone in each hand. Nevertheless, it is geneial- Iv supposed that you can carry them to the edge of your graves, ui-.C there shake them off with a good repentant shake — scatter tJ.em to the four winds of heaven — even as a doe: scattereth the mud when he shaketh by the duck puddle. Verily, it is so; else :one can be saved — for none liveth and lieth not. Lies are neces- sary evils. God never would have allowed the Devil to plant so nany lies in the soil of T.an's moral nature, and permitted thcnj to SHORT PATINT SCRMOKif. f 1 fiourish 80 extensively, were they not for some uscfu/ purpoi^e. When jutiiciously manage 1, they are a great help to a body, and will adnnil of a leetle teenty mite of justification at any rate. Yes, fr'ends, we all lie — everybody, from the worst to the best, lie.-s. Even Truth herself lies : and it is no shallow lying of hers, eithei — for, is it not written that ' Truth lies at the bottom of a well ]' Ay — and the man lied that wrote it. My friends : if you happen unguardedly, foolishly — I may say innocently — to get a small spot upon your virtue, it were better by all means to plaster a white lie over it, and be more careful for the future, than to own up and be for ever contaminated in the unforgi\lng eyes of a relentless world. If you accidentally upset another man's porridge when his back is turned, say ' 'Tvvarn't I,' and stick to it, because confessing the truth wouldn'J replace the porridge, and might produce a shedding of claret. Cain lied when he said he didn't know what had become of his murdered brother; but, as it was uttered in self-defence, no particular notice was taken of it. Peter lied to screen himself from the imputation of being in what he supposed to be bad company : yet Peter was not damn- ed. But Annanias and Sapphira desecrated the truth through a wicked design ; and they were struck dead in consequence. Served 'em right. And nov/, since the world is given to lying, and lying (as says my text) is a common usage, every one must lie more or less, occasionally, to keep up his end. But, before you lie, brethren, make up your minds to go into it strong; for a little call 'W fib stands but a small chance among the big, bouncing whop- pers that are let loose nowadays. As my friend Pope might have jHi I, but didn't : A little lying is a dangerous thing — Go yoiif whole length, or never make a spring. My dear friends: Heaven and I give you iioerty to lie just as niucti as you please, if you don't injure any one by it. Tf you eend Ur:*h a falsehood purposely for the sake of getting from an- other wiiiit is rightfully his own — or to breea disturbance in the httle faisiily oi Peace — or to soil the fair fame ot a fellow creature — or to cr.'Ji even a fly-speck upon the snowy vesture of Virtue — or to ruiile a single feather in the plume of Friendship — why I'len, I say. you deserve to be kicked to death by grasshopper^* and hsi] tfiade seven times hotter for your reception. A wicked, wiifji« W 8H0RT PATENT SERMONS. venoifjous. malicious, mal'gnant lie is the most abhornble and pol sdnous serpent that ever crawled among the grass, weeds and flow- ers of the moral world. Tt is capable of doing more injury than a mai' bull in Broadway; because the latter may only upset a few old men and women who lack the legs to get out of the way — but the former can ruin the best of reputations, demolish the strongest of characters, get an innocent man hung, and play the very trois in general ! The inventor of such an infamous artificialhood is worthy of a severer castigation than I can give ; but verily 1 say unto you, lliat all such shall have their part in the lake thai burn- eta with fire and brimstone. So mote it be ! LIFE S SUNNY SPOTS. Text. — Though, call you life a gloomy waste, It still hath sunny spots. My HEi\RERS : after looking intently awhile at heaven, through, the .clescope manufactured by Hope, Faith & Co., and then suddenly casting the eye cvpr the country that Mortality must traverse, it certainly looks like a dull, gloomy and dreary waste. It is like turning directly from the dazzling sunshi.io into a dusky cellar- •all is darkness for the moment — dark as an African congregation •n a thunder-storm; but it scon grows lighter, and we gradually discover that we are not in such infernal and everlasting darkness afle? all. It is an undeniable fact that the brightness of lie.iven ''a^ickly around us, that to attempt to escape them w^re like dodg- ino: between the rain-drops of a summer shower. When 1 think of the multiplied, multifarious and muhiiudinous ills that lie in wail for u& all, I can't help wondering how so many as there do con trive to reach the summit of life's hill, comparatively unscratched. Head-aches, corn-aches, tooth-aches, bel — stomach-aches, sores, wounds, bruises, gout, rheumatism, cramps, spasms, convulsions, wens, corns, cancers, consumption, a choice variety of fevers, and hosts of other bodily complaints, render the road of existence a rough one at the best. Then inwardly we have care, that pricks the bosom with its porcupine quills — grief, that soaks and dis- solves India rubber — sorrow, that flings deep and gloomy shadows along the once bright vista of memory — disappointment, that em- bitters the sweet cup of anticipation — doubt, that keeps the mind in a fog, and plucks many a feather from the wings of Hope — aivJ rtespair, that wraps the soul in midniehl darkness, thick enough to work at with a pickaxe and spade. Such, my friends, are a few of the ills that abound in man's es- tate. They spring up around him as sparks in close succession rist', and no sooner is one extinguished than another makes itself distinguished. [I was attacked and almost assassinated, last night, iy a ferocious bedbug ; but, as he was without accessories, I even- tually managed to dispatch him.] But, as 1 have said before, and to speak superlatively, the best way fcr us to do is to face liicm courageously — put up with their petty annoyances, and defend ourselves as well as we can from their fatal stabs. However, since we are born of womiin, we must expect that our days will be few and full of trouble : for, by woman's sin came death into the world, with all its preliminary arrangements, and by her truus- gvession, the primitive poison still circulates in the veins of jioste- rity. Since then, the fountain of humanity was rendered corrupt by the power of the devil and the weakness of woman, we must expect that the whole waters of our lives will be n^ore or less muddy. Physical ills, as well as mental diseases, will attack us in dreadful array, down to the generation that shall bare its bosom to the general Judgment. Moral infirmities will continue to in- create with the growth of wealth, fashion and refinement: these will beget bodily ailments; and careful ills will produce an un 102 SHORT PATKNT SERMONS. lualthy action of the mental and intellectual organs. Such a diro- fully downward progress must certainly, if continued eventuate In the destruction of all that inh.il)it the earth. As for me, myself, I give uj) all fur lost; but the saving power of Providence, and what little is left of moral saltpetre, niay yet wonderfully elleci a salvation — which is ardently to be hoped for, but very little ex- pected. Ho mote it be ! TAKE MY ADVICE. TjiiXT. — I would not have you follow me 'J'hrough mud, or on the ice; But you, with perfect safety, friends, Can follow my advice. Mr Hearers: if you were always to tread directly in my foot Bte|)«, or in those of the most pious pilgrims upon earth, you would put you I feel in more muddy 6])ots, and get more dirt upon your soles, than you may at present imagine; and occasionally, too, find yourselves upon places slippery enough to upset a cat, or turn a tortoise upon his back. You have no business, brethren, to trou- ble yourselves, after I have dismissed you for the Sunday, as to where I go- -what I have for dinner, and whether I "^ay grace or something cInc over it — liow I spend the evening, and at what hour 1 conmience courting the goddess Sleep. This is all my concern — not yours; anil you have no more right to meddle with the mat- ter than 1 have lo inquire why certain angels had not more res])ect for themselves than to be seen in such a wicked city as Sodom. I lay down to you the nioral law, with all the noise and earnestness of an au'jtioneer (as you may see by my figure-head), and give you friendly counsel, si)ijed with good humor, if not sugared with sincerity. lve(Jeive or reject — either way, I care no more about it than a rose or a skunk of the perfume it sheds for all. But listen, my friends, to what I am about to say. Keep out of debt, by ])rudence and economy ; keep out of law, by acting hon- e^tlv towar.ls one another; keep out of pt>verty, by sobriety and indiisliy; get out of love as soon as possible, oy marrying; and gei ou' ol" the deviTs reach, by getting behind any back. — lie's SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 10 afraid of me since I last gave him Zachy over upon WinJ-whistlt Island. It was a pretty tough scratch, though ; for you wcmld hardly have known, at one time, which to bet upon — the devil or Dow, Jr. When you go a-fishing, brethren, in the waters of love, in the hopes of catching something to ' help make a meal,' prepare your- selves before you start in as take-in a manner as possible. ThroM out a pleasing bait of deception, and you are bound to get a bite; and perhaps get bitten — in the end. Beware of ale-wives ; they aie not so good as they look to be — neither is a ' stir-gin ' — but get something that you think you could enjoy for ever. Then, when you have entered upon the matrimonial slate, your success in the piscatory way will be certain ; for, whenever you go out for a shiner, just inform the fond partner of your bosom of the fact, and you are sure to — catch it. That's all about fishing. When you pray, don't ' holler' as if heaven were hard of hear- ing — it sounds too much like hollow pretension ; and besides, it is enough to make Providence turn a deaf ear to every earthly orison. Don't pray with too much spirit, for too much spirit is worse than too little; but if the spirit that is within you (excuse me) moveth you to pray, pray humbly (for the Excise Law) and you will be heard much sooner than by making a great bluster about it. Gen- tly, brethren, gently in all things ! Take good care of that jewel of the soul, Reputation. When once dropped into the sea of disgrace, it is lost for ever; and you might as well whistle as to whine about it. I don't know but you who have no reputations to lose are the best off; for then 8lai\der has nothing to feed upon, and you can do pretty much as you like, unscandalized, un-church-mauled, and even unnoticed — excepting, of course, violating the laws of the land and common decency. Husbands, love your wives: wives, be afTectionate to your hus- bands: boys, love the girls; girls, don't be afraid of the boys: old bachelors, try to get married: old maids, be ye comforted : widows, let me comfort ye. There are two ways to skin a cat, and two ways to win a heart; two ways to put on a shirt, and two ways to make a shift; two ^avs to tell a story, and two ways to bestow charity ; half a do- zen ways to destruction, but only one way to heaven — and that ^ay is as much nai rower than Theatre Alley as a sheep-path is 104 SHORT PATENT SERMOW8. narrower than the Third Avenue. I fear some of you. hrcthrcT- ^la^J as slim a chance of hnding it a.s a pooJ!e-dog woiilJ a iox» track. it is said that there is ' a good tinne coming,' but it has sat down to rest on the road. I am afraid it will get ^ompletc-ly fagged out before it reaches us. There has always been 'a good time coming' einoe Kden was an apple-orchard ; and il will cont.nue to be coming till it gets here. When that will be, Gracious Goodness and Ho race Greeley only know. Brethren : you must not always refuse to believe things that you can't understand; for there are many facts shrouded in mystery. You know there is magnetism between matter and matter, but you don't know the principle of it ! so there may be magnetism be- tween mind and mind — between heaven and earth — between God and man. You can't tell why a he and a she mutually attract each other, like a couple of magnets — why the birds mate — wiiy the flowers are created male and female — and why a mother thinka more of her own ugly brat than of the most beautiful bantling tiver borne by another. These are mysterious facts; but what is a greater mystery still is, that Eternity doesn't overflow with the everlasting influx of human souls. I am inclined to thi/ik that it leaks somewhere. My hearers: manage to get on smoothly through time, and yoj will do well enough in eternity. So mote it be ! Notice. — I am requested to state that, besides the grand sacred concert at Castle Garden, this evening, there will be one also at Pinteux's, in Broadway. Best of liquors at sixpence a glass — but little smoking allowed. Due notice will be given a/ the next dog fight in the Bowery. THE EFFECTS OF PROSPERITY. Text. — The fishermen that walk upon the beach Appear like mice ; and yon tall arching bark Diminished to her cock ; her cock, a buoy Almost too small for sight. My Hearers: as you get up in the world, how everything beif»w appears to diminish in size and significance ! Men, that weie be- SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 105 fore rPirn taller in talent and stature, and hig^her in station than yourselves, sm'denly dwindle to pigmies, to whom Tom Thumb were a monstrous giant, and upon whom you look down as so many contemptible mice, capering about without any specific aim or end Mighty Colossuses you are, bestriding a narrow woihl, while we petty ir.en walk under and between your large legs ! Hut your greatness is more than half imaginary — your exalted position an ideal one. Because we look small to you, you take it for graiited that you look large to us; nay, that you actually are whales among minnows — eagles among ground-sparrows — that your elevated situations must command respect, if not reverence, from such common trash as we, whose praise and favor you reck- on as heaps of gold, but whose society you shun as so much poudrette. My friends : it is remarkable what a boost the sudden possession of a few dollars can give to a chap. He immed ately fancies him- self raised to about six thousand feet above mankind in general; and not only do fishermen, that walk upon the beach, appear like mice to him, but also statesmen, lawyers and politicians, that are scrambling up the hill-side of notoriety. There he sits, wrapped in a warm robe of pride, lined with the silk velvet of vanity, and casting frosty fiowns upon hard-fisted Honesty. Yet, notwith standing, he feels that, at every step he takes, his high hand knocks out a star in heaven, he finally comes to the conclusion that he has been treading but air, after all; and that he must fiud his level at last with the paltriest specimens of humanity. Dollurs can't save him from Death. But he may suddenly lose his dollars when in the very zenith of his golden glory. Then down he drops, litxe the stick of a rocket, in darkness and unnoticed. Oh! he piteously exclaims then, as did one of old, Why was I raised the master of the world, hung in the skies, and blazing as I travel- led, till all my fires were spent; and then cast downward, to be trod out by jackasses ! Yes, my friends, why was he so raiseJ by the almighty dollar half-way to heaven, to pitch headlong to earth, ana lie there all splattered, like a pan of spilt pumpkin-sauce ? — thai is the question. Why, it was in order that he might, in his pride, ejaculate: The world knows only two — thafs Rome and 1 — and to convi'ice him that it was possible for 'Rome and 1' lo fall together. 106 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. My hearers: because a little unexpected prosperity has enabieri you to perform a grasshopper jump, do you imag ne that you have soared half a mile above others, who have attained a higher emi« nence, without any such galvanic upstartings '? No doubt of it . but you are sadly deceived. So a hen, that could reach the top oi a church-spire from a ground-squat, might fancy herself a conspi- cuous somebody in the eyes of the world ; but the noble eagle, whose heavenly soarings are not the result of any adventitious cir* cumstanre, majestically sails aloft, without condescending to con- eider whether said hen were really an exalted somebody, or merely a miserable, self-inflated nobody. Oh ! it breeds vermin in my heart, and my bosom seems to swarm with pismires, to think what ninnies you sometimes make of yourselves ! You get a little mo- ney, and then go striding and stamping about with your high- heeled boots, as though kinga and emperors were but clod-worms beneath your feet ! You mount the political rostrum, blow off a quantity of pretended patriotic gas, and you are almost as big a man as Mr. Presidont of the Union 1 You scribble a few newspa- per paragraphs, and ycu are Sir Oracle of the world ! — or you may write a play ' most tolerable, and not to be endured ' for more than two nights, and you look back upon Shakspere as an individual of some little talent, and a small speck of genius ? 0, you blad- ders of pride and vanity ! — why don't you wear your honors — when you get them — v/ith as much grace and humility as I do 1 I have, as you all know, the reputation of being the most extra- ordinary preacher in the world ] but the world can't make me be- lieve it. I eat my crust and drink my beer with the same careless unconcern as when I dug potatoes between Barre and Belcher- town. Were I to be raised to the highest pinnacle of popularity, f should see no pigmies below me — nothing but men and women ; and the majority of them more deserving of honor and the public's sunny favor than my humble self. In short, as I ascend towards the heaven of notoriety, I can't help thinking — as thought VVolsey of yore — and so you all should think as you go up — that ' I shall iall, lixe a bright exhalation in the evening, and no mah see m-" more.' So m'^te it be! •HORT PATENT SERMONS 10* THE ttILD DAYS OF AUTUMN. TxxT. — And now when comes the calm mild day, As still such days will come, To call the squirrel and the bee From out their wintry home, — When the sound of dropping nuts is heard, Though all the trees are still, And twinkle in the smoky light The waters of the rill — The south wind searches for the flowers 'Whose fragrance late he bore, And sighs to find them in the wood i^nd by the stream no more. My Hearers : once more the mild, mellow, golden, crimsony; bluey, purpley, brassy light of Autumn is shedding upon us. It seems as though all the bright glories of summer had been simmer- ed to a syrup, and set before us upon one broad, expansive platter. The roses, -daffodils, pinks, cowslips, violets, blue-bells, and butter- cups have departed as the butterfly beauties of a dream ; but the essence of all their loveliness is seen glowing upon the sunset cloud, and in the dolphin-like dying foliage of the forest. So. after death, will your virtues shine in heaven, and your good deed,? hold a place in the memory of future generations, provided they are not too much amalgamated with the vicious accumulations of a filthy and avaricious world. My friends: these calm October and November days are beauti- ful — solemnly beautiful. They are as mild as the terminus of a christian's earthly career, and as eloquent with silent language as the eyes of young Love in a deaf and dumb asylum. There is a sacred stillness in the blue-domed temple of Nature that reaches the heart, and serves as an oil of peace to its turbulent waters. The summer birds have ceased their merry songs — the zephyrs sieal gently through the fading groves, and softly whisper of that decay to which all things fair are doomed — the angel of tianquil- iity watches at the death- bed of the frail children of Flora — a wilhere ■ leaf lightly flickers down as a pall upon the bier of each lallen blossom, and a lone cricket chirps a dirge for the lovely, the loved and the lost. Thcigh pensively, yet all is delightfully peaceful and q^iiet, in this sweet sabbath of the year. The waters of each distan'' river and rill twinkle, with a silvery sheen, in lh« 108 SHORT PATENT SFRMONS. Bmoky light that gauzes the vale, and yonder hills wear a placid smile, as if mightily pleased with their new-donned bonnets of blue. There is very little music heard now in the forests, nelds, meals and orchards. The blue-bird, bobolink, thrush, robin and martin have ceased to tune their merry pipes, and now pause tn consider upon the thought-breeding change that has so stealthi.'y slid upon them. They don't know what to make of it; so they are mum — but meanwhile they are making up their minds to ruo- sey. The squirrel cocks up his bushy tail and scolds as he scam- pers over the green lichens that yet weave a carpet for his tjny feet — the grasshopper kicks over a dried leaf, in his last c-jua ul- sive jump, and imagines that he has upset an empire — the poor belated butterfly flits about, like a restless spirit, in search oJ those summer enjoyments that yesterday were, but to-day are no more — a disconsolate-looking caterpillar lets himself down to the sod. ■vrith a gossamer cord, and, with a twist and a wriggle, bids good- bye for ever to the pleasures of the pear-tree — the last harsh mur- murs of the Katydid grate horribly upon ' the dull ear of night' — the nocturnal concerts of Mons. Froggie are over for the season — an old bachelor of a woodpecker runs up a bill for his grub, and says nothing to nobody- emblematical bats dart about in the dusky twilight — solemn owls give their monotonous hooh-hoes at the niidnight hour, as if in ridiculing mockery of the fleeting meteors that preach volumes of the evanescence and transitory nature of all that is bright and beautiful. And the South-wind comes, as my text intimates, upon a fruitless search for the flowers, whose fai4- cheeks he was wont to kiss: he wanders over every field, roams through every garden, looks by the margin of each stream, and sighs to find them consigned to one common tomb. The only flowers he can discover are those that flourish among the hair and on the hats of our fashionable belles; but the living freshness and delightful fragrance are wanting — and, consequently, he cares no more about them than a honey-bee for the artincial roses that bloom upon the pallid cheek of vice. My hearers : amid all this autumnal stillness, you can «carcely help reflecting upon what you are, and to what you must shortly come. You must feel that the dark, cold w inter of life will soon he here — that hoar frosts are about to fall upon the full-blown flowers of the heart —and that the tree of manhood will quickly # iHORT PATENT SERMONS. 109 cast its gretfi foliae^e to the ground ; but, ere that foliage shall fall, I trust It will assume a go'-len hue, that shaM grow brighter at last, in the warm, mellow light of heavenly hope and fajth. kSo ir.ote It be ! PiriLOSOrHICAL QUESTIONS. Text.— Why doth the violet spring Unseen by human eye 1 Why do the radiant seasons bring Sweet thoughts that quickly fly? Why do our fond hearts chng To things that die ] Mr Hearers : as to the fipst question, Why doth the violet spring unseen by human eye?, I can only answer, in vulgar phraseology, *lt's a way it's got' — or, more properly speaking, it is owing to the mysterious ways of Nature, which neither you nor 1 can any easier unriddle than an arithmetician can untangle a spider's web according to the rules of algebra. There is many a flower, as my friend Grey says, that is born to blush unseen, and waste its sweet- ness on the desert air, like sweet Ellen Thompson who lives in the vale. If you travel all over this curiously-contrived globe of ours, yoi; will find that, upon the most barren heath, in the gloomiest oi solitudes, and in the uiitracked wilderness, every here and there a little flower is lifting its lonely head, and pouring out, as it were, its perfumed soul in praises to the God that made it. And jo it is with those lovely flowers that adorn the great circle of humanity •—the damsels. You will find some of the most beautiful of this special floral family budding, blooming, fading, and going to seed, by the country road-side, untouched, unplucked, and unsmelt of: whereas, were they planted and reared in the hotbeds and green- houses of a city like Gotham, they would not only be admired by thousands, but soon gathered by the hand of Hymen, and their stems in&erted in the vase of matrimony. It matters not whethei a young damsel have wealth or internal attractions: so long as she has beauty, and flourishes among men, hundreds will do her hom- age, and bend the knee in worship of her charms. Man, my Lre- luren, is a perfect Dag lerrButype apparatus. His optics art ih« no SHOUT PATENT SERMONS. lenses, and his heart is the plate upon which the portiait is lepre seated ; and when, in the light of love, the picture of a pretty giil is received thereon, he can no more obliterate the enchantin*^ image than a shadow can be scoured from a wall with soap-suds, sand and a corn-cob. INIy dear friends: ' The dark unfathomed caves of ocean' con- tain many a brilliant gem that is for ever lost to the world. So it J8 with the gems of genius. Many and many of them lie buried in the vale of obscurity, which no one digs for, and not having the power to assist themselves, they remain valueless in the bow- sis of the earth. Most of you have a genius for something; but, jn consequence of obstreperous fortune, you are kept under, and stand no more chance of exhibiting your brilliancy than the sun that happens to rise upon a rainy day. By proper encouragement, even a boot-black is bound to shine in his profession ; and I do Bay that a painter of wheelbarrows may become, with a little pub- lic fostering, a painter of portraits, and rank himself among the first artists of the day, as thought the monkey when he dipped hid tail in a paint-pot. My dear friends: the second division of my discourse inquires, Why do the radiant seasons bring sweet thoughts that quickly lly V We are at a loss to conjecture exactly how all this is; and yet we do know that we welcome every approaching season with joy and gladness. In spring, we are delighted with the returning tokens of life and animation. The early notes of the sweet war- blers of the groves inspire our souls, and seem to awaken us to a new -nd youthtul existence. The summer comes to us covered with bloom and beauty — autumn infuses a calmness into our bo- soms, that quickly gathers upon the surface, like cream upon a placid pan of milk — and winter, with all its icy coldness, is as warmly received as a whiskey toddy with the thermometer down to zero. My hearers : the text which I have chosen ends with this inter- rogation, ' Why do our fond hearts cling to things that die ]' Is It because there is nothing beautiful and lovely upon earth but is subject to decay; and the affections of the heart, like tendnli. must lean to some particular object, inasmuch as they were nevei -ntended to flourish alone. The ivy often is found to cling to old aud sapless uunks—pea-vines seem to hug with a peculiar for.j. SHORT PATENT SERMONS. lU nei- v»bRtever objects are within their reach — lovers are just as liable to lean upon broken staves as they are to rest against the pillars cf patience, faith and fortitude — and you all, my friends, are more ivaturally inclined to place )'our affections upon the per ishing things of earth, than to even form a liking for that which nas power to secure the soul's eternal salvation. Heaven being a foreign country, some of its products are well worth paying the duty upon them ; and if you think you can get along without them, yc'i will find in the end that you have gained nothing more nci Jess than a remarkably heavy loss. As far, however, as 1 am persoiipil/ concerned, my dearly-beloved brethren, you may all go to the -'eyil : but^ for your own sakes, act honestly, wisely, righ- teoucly ?nd considerately, that you may be well prepared for that 9L\si'ul •^">d uncertain hereafter that awaits us all. So mote it be ! MAN NOT MADE TO MOURN. Ykxt. — There is a voice which haunts mo still, Where'er on earth I be — [n lonely vale, on lofty hill. And on the distant sea : I hear it in the silent night. And at the break of morn ; And aye it crietli — dark or light — Man was not made to mourn ! yi^ I-'earers : what do you suppose this still, small voice ib, that haunts me wherever I go— excepting it be through some of the mudhdes of misery of Gotham ■? Why it is Nature whisper- ing with a calm smile upon her phiz, that man was not nr.ade to mourn, notwithstanding the Bard of Ploughshare's sentiments on the all-important subject. No, brethren, man was made to laugh, love, enjoy himself, and dig potatoes, to the glory of the Creator. Yet how many lazy, mildewed mortals there are, who sit-down in the shade of melancholy to mourn over misfortunes of their owm breedir^g ! There they sit, and sit, and sit ; looking at all that la bright and lovely with a yellow, jaundiced vision — nursing des- pair, and determined on being for ever miserable; and as for en- ticing them into habiU of industry, with a promise of a happ) 112 SHORT rATT>T ^CH.HOKS. compensation, you might as soop iWk of getvir.5 a hairel of old cider to work by placing a dollar at IIh I'lng-hob. Mourn they tMist — mourn lliey will ; and this, too "i a country like ours I — v.'Iifre there is so much elbow-room for amSi*ion — where all a man h'-r, tc do is to take courage and a shovel, a'ul di^ his way to ho- ii?r ftiid wealth — and where, by tne aid of ishh and a few Irish- men., such almighty big mountains can be moved ! Oh ! it is a sia and a shame that man should mourn, where there is nothing unde^ the curtain of heaven to prevent his laughing, sirg'Pg, dancing and being as merry as a cricket in the chimney corner ! My dear friends: all nature proclaims that nothing was made t* nioijin. The bright-faced sun — the calm, silvery moon, and X\w glili ring stars — all sing together of this grand truth in onj uiicea r.ing 3ong, and echoing earth answers to their sweet strains. If the vorld were intended for a house ?f mourning, every f?o\ve w.-uld be painted black — every bird would be a crow or a bLr^ic '>ird — everybody would be born a negro — the ocean would b? * ■'ast ink-pol — a black veil be diawn ever the face of heaven — arv^ -m everlasting string of crape hung abound the borders of creation. A''hen I look aiiroad and see how brl-ht and cheerful is the gene- ral aspect of tnings — how Earth exults in her joyous spring-time —how glorious in the pride of her summerhood — and how calm- ly, smilingly beautiful n her autumna'. decay — I am bound to the conclusion that nothing upon God's green-cushioned footstool was e< .r intended to mourn. It is natr.ril for us sometimes to indulge in dull, mush-and-milky meditation, :\:id to encourage cold and blood-curdling fancies, or listen fearfully to the tread of some har- bi..;~»jr of evil, whose footste^ :? '"all with a rustling sound among tur pered flowers of hope, like those of the angel of Death among the frost-faded leaves of I^ovember ; but I do a^-serl, from ihe nether extremity of my heart, that man was no more made tc j,o prowling and mourning through the world, than a canary bird was created to sing at a Methodist meeting My dear friends : it is ' man's inhumanity to man,' and man'a inhumanity to himself, that cause so much mourning. The dread- /ui carnage of war causes thousands to mourn the loss of sires, Gons, -elatives and friends, who immolate themselves upon iheii country's altar, but whose valiant lives are worth more than all \he wealth n\ .th« mineb of Mexico. Millions groau uudet th«; iron SHORT PATEN? SERMONS. 113 hand of oppression; and as many more under the mcu'.us of lazi- ness, who moan and sigh to think that dollars don't roll at their 'eet. and that the sun of prosperity won't shine in their dark den CI siuj^gishness. Let war be avoided as far as possible — palsied be •.he oppressoi's arm — and flea-besieged be he, I say, who is too azy to move when lie linds a nest of young mice in his hair, and CTiiders weaving their webs over his shirt-bosom. I tell you again, niy brethren, you were never made to stand still and moan, like a ir.c ji'taiii pine in the hollow m.idni^'.t winJ. You were intended to push ahead and keep stirring, like a busy barkeeper: to be jolly, gay, lively — always in as good spirits as a fly in a bottle of old Jamaica : to laugh at care, snap your fingers at sorrow : and tc v/histle when beset by the myriads of petty ills that so constantly are seeking to annoy mankind. So mote it be ! A ROUGH world: A SAD LIFE. Text. — The world js rough and dreary, And life is sad and weary. 'isi\ Hearf.rs: there is no use in talking about getting along smoothly all the way through this world : foi such a thing is im- possible for man, monkey or mouse. The places that seem the emocthest are the slipperiest ; and, when you think yon are sliding al.ing so very pretty ar.d safe, you may be brought to a horizontal 'n t!ie twinkling of a bed-post. Whoso standeth, let him take heed lost he fall, and whoso rideth, let him look out (in these r^- Tolutionary limes) lest he be thrown. That the natural world is ro-.i!^h, we a!l know. It hath its mountains, hills, swamps and iniu>hes, and man can't smooth them, let him do his best, or bis nastiest: and as for the social worhl, it is as rough as the back cf a hedjfi.-hog, unless you can make it smooth by hypocritical polish- ing, giiiing, or silver-washing. But all this won't v.car — the base n t'.ai wjI! show itself almost too prematurely for self-satisfaction. 'i lie world we live in is a rough one, anyhow. Ry its revolutions v»e are jolted and jostled about, like passengers over a corduroy road in Ohio. Every turn upon its axis knocks men, matters and 'Jiuigs out of their proper places ; and I have known even jciNGt 8 114 SHORT PATENT SKRMOMS. 10 be tumbled from their thrones, as if by soma sudden jerk of Nature. My friends : this world ie not only a rough, but a dreary, one. ft is a vast wilderness, in which we mortals are doo^ned to wander m doubt, trouble, care and uncertainty. It is true that busy Fancy brings us many a bouquet of beautiful flowers, and that Imagina- tion sometimes converts a goose-pasture into a perfect paradist; but, alas ! how untimely seem to fall the frosts of stern Ptcaiity 1 In a moment, every ideal blossom, is v/ithered — the most promising buds of hope are blighted, and the world is a wild and dreary waste agam. Thank God, however, that, although we are sur- rounded by gloomy woods and forbidding forests, we can always lock up and catch glimpses of heaven. Yes, brethren, there is a light kept burning above, to cheer our pathway to the tomb — to assist us ^ver the rough and slippery places of earth, an^l to ena- ble us to see our way clear to the ferry between Time and Eterni- ty When a mortal first sets out upon the journey of existence, he says to himself that the world must aflord him a glorious treat; but, when tired, care-worn and weary, he lays himself down for a comfortable nap in the grave, he gapes, stretches, sighs and feebly exclaims: ' It is a glorious humbug, after all!' Verily, friends, this orb of ours is a dark, rough and dreary one ; and. if you won't harbor the hope of a better, you may go to Beelzebub in despair — and I will give you a posterior shove to facilitate your progress. My dear friends : that life is sad and weary, may be accounted for by reasons too numerous to enumerate. If you don't have any work to do, you get dull, lazy, peevish, cross and miserable : if you have merely enough to occupy your time, you think it a ter- :ible drudge — that you are burdened with more than any other jackp.ss can bear; and, if you happen to find yourselves in easy circumstances, you imagine it hard work to look after them, 'Man's inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn,' truly remarked my friend the Bard of Ploughshare ; and yet man's inhumanity to himself is the cause of a vast deal more mischief. As brother Beadle says, he won't do nothing, if he can't help it, but bellow for assistance ; and, let fortune favor him with millions, still he is as mercenary and miserable as ever. He may live poor, but die rich ; and this reminds me of a passage in scripture, which saj-^is, that it is easier for an elephant to crawl into a woodchuck'i SHvORT PATENT SERMONS 115 holt} than for a rich man to smuggle any of h's earthly tffects into heaven. Life, ihou^l!., !o all is more or e-s wearsome. Time /laps its leaden wiiig^ 1:1-6 a sea-<^ull over discontent d waters — (lays Ciawl away with a snail-like [)ace, notwithstanJing }c-ars \oV round in rapid succession. Yet there are otlier matters that make life weary. The thread of love contains many an ugly knot — • and, as for professed friendship, the less said about it the bcjtter. Vcu must all try to make the world as smooth as possible, ynj render life as easy as circumstances will permit. So mote it be ! *SICH IS LIFE.' Tkxt. — Up hill, down hill, Trouble and strife; Slide along, dig along, ' SfrH is life !' My Hearers : savages go through life easily enough, without my hard grunting, sweating, or swearing. They are ju^t about so, at all times — contented, sure to have a living, and, consequently, happy : hut we, civilized sons of sin, care and sorrow, have to fight against our fellow kind for a fo'pence to get us food. We have to twist and turn — make our way among the crowd — stick our elbows into the ribs of others — and, perhaps, knock down a dozen or two to get decenxly through the world. Sich is life! Brutes have a living prepared for them — the table of Nature ii bountifully spread before them, and all they have to do is to eat, drink, sleep, and be satisfied; but man, having brains to contrive, and hands to execute, has to make a living, and not be satisfied at that. He is never satisfied, nor woman either. G.ve me so much, Rays he, and I will ask no more ; but, when he gets it, his avari- cious appetite is as insatiate as ever. You can no more supply to Gatisfacti'.'ii the mammoth capaciousness of human desire than you can fi!i the bottomless pit by the dropping in of pebble stones. The future doesn't ahvays deceive us; but the deuce of it is, we are too apt to find fault w.'th the fulfilment of what our most ar- dent hopes hid promised. 'Taint good enough, aftei all ! say we, with a snufl' and a snivel give us something better. And so, at 11(5 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. lasl we ^0 whinlnj^ to our graves, exclaiming Van:ty! vanity! — ail h deception ! double-distilled deception! Man's exi^te ice is a beautiiul humbug ! ' Sich is life !' My friends: it is up hill and dovrn hill with us in this RE-pro- bationary sphere. Every one of us seem to b*^ kicked about as if we were each a foot-ball for the fates. Tlnongh a hypocritical courtesy, we don't exactly put the blame upon Providence, but lay it to our own ill-luck, and be d — d to it. ' Sich is li/e ! And yci >\hen, upon the ebb tide of prosperity, man finds his frail br.ik cant back into dangerously-troublesome vvateis, he fool.shly ima- gines that all the winds of heaven have conspired against l.im; ai.d, rather ;han resort to the paddle of perseverance, he gives up lor lost, and says, There's no use in trying, for 'sich is life !' On the other hand, an unfortunate philosopher, in tattered vest and forlorn financial condition, doesn't ahoge.her give way lo despair, but patiently contents himself with the idea that ' sich is life :' and that, in the proces* of mundane mutations, there is -a good time coming,' wl i:h. some day or other, it will be his good fortune to experience. My woith\ friends: how many there are who, having to di.f; through the world, and finding it hard digging at the best, will net philosophically consider that ' sich is Lie:' but they must rail ?.t everybody and everything. They distractedly imagine that all of mankind are set against them ; and their only prayer is, that ihny may have an opportunity of sending word to the devil, and all the royal family of hell, to receive the scoundrels with the res])ect due to their rascally deserts ! These fellows had better go there tbem- eelves and in sufficient season to introduce the rest of the com- pany. My hearers : there are certain truisms, which need no ghost from the grave to tell us about, and establish. He that hath no money hath few friends, and the fur upon the friendship of these few i? hardly worth gathering. The moneyless must expect to be pushed about, rode over and trodden upon— for ' sich is life !' The dan- dilied pn}.py, with features of brass, brains of frog-jelly, and a heart made of putty and beeswax— submits to the scolis and jeers Di boys; is barked at by dogs; ' be dem'd' if he knows how it is; but—' sich is life!' lie tbat teUs th^ truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truths n^vad^j-a, is pelted wit^. the brickbats of SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 117 persecution by moralists, religionists, politicians, anJ the people al large, for ' sich is life !' Ecce signum, lignum vitje ! My hearers : imagine, as did my friend Shakspere, a locomotive shadow ; a poor player, that frets his brief hour upon a stage, aiW then is heard no more — and consider that ' sich is life :' a tale told by an idiot, [Shakspere] full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. But learn to live well ; keep the stomach well supplied with roast oeef, the heart v.-ith true religion, and the head free from all fool- ish fancies — and verily you shall be rewarded in a life to come, which, at the worst, can't help but be better than the miserable sublunary existence allotted to us here below. So mote it be ! * ON FEAR. TisXT. — Of all the wonders that I yet have hear1, It seems to me most strange that men should fear. My Hearers : I suppose it is all very well that a few kernels of fear are implanted in our natures, to warn us of danger, and guide from harm ; but to manure and nourish them till they grow up and become monstrous trees of terror, is the quintessence of foolish- ness. The dumb creation are supplied with just enough timidity necessary for self-preservation. At the least sight or sound of danger, they prick up their ears, alter the position of their tails, and are off. Then they think no more about it : they continue to gather their grub in peace and quietness — as cool and unconcern- ed about the past or future as a cucumber that nourishes upon its green vine to-day, and is cut up into thin slices to-morrow. Bui we, more intellectual beings — men of mind — men of sense and cents — men of dollars and dolorous men — men of capital and ca- pital men — yes, we, with all our vaunted courage, are poor, mise- rable victims of continual fear. We are not so much afraid of any immediate damage — not so easily scared at any suspiciocs- looking object within the pale of the present. No, what frightens ns the most are those big bugaboos that stare upon us with theii wild goggle-eyes irom out the dark holes of the futuro. Those make us pause, tremble, wriggle and squirm, as though all our to- morrows were overrun with devouring ogres. Oh, how monstrous- ri9 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. ly weak are we male mortals, with all our beard and mnscle!— how cowardly with all our courage! — how foolisli with all om WIS loin ! Woman, as says my friend Shakspere, is naturally born to fear : so is poultry generally. But woman — though she llutter, fuss and faint at a sudden surprise — has, after all, more true forti- tude, real grit, genuine spunk and bona tide courage in her compo- sition than Nature ever thought of mixing in the material of man Did any one of my congregation ever pick up a furzy chicken lag- ging at the heels of its maternal ancestor 1 If so, he has sudden- ly found himself favored with a considerable quantity of old hen about his face and ♦•yes. So it is with woman at certain times, and under certain ^rcumstances. If you maliciously meddle with whatever she loves, you must have a tug and tussle with her ; and wo be unto you ! For the accomplishment of any desirable pur- j>ose, she will scale a pig-pen, and wade through a goose-pond without even lifting her petticoat; and, when h«r iiidignant is once fairly up, she won't turn her back upon the devil himself. I know what woman is — my lamented aunt Ihucy was a pure specimen of the wood, with a bit of the bark off — ^just enough to show the grain. My hearers : why do you fear 1 and what do you fear ? You fear, because you are mortal, and must die some day or other. If you had been so manufactured as to endure to all eternity, or even half of it, evil apprehensions would never have found lodgings in the chambers of your hearts. Some of you are so fearful that you shan't live out half of your days, that you sit up nearly all night, to make up for what you may be cast short of in the end ; while others blow their brains out, lest Death should come and order them to march, in double quick time. Just so obstinate are some asses. Fools ! know you not that death will come when it will some, and not before 1 These should be no such thing in man as fear of leaving this world, when he knows he was put here to have the pleasure of being bothered with it but for a short tinie. When you move out of it, you will only go to where millions ot greater, wiser and better mortals than you have gone, and whither thousands are going daily. Fear not — if you don't have a merry time of it, it won't be for the want of company, and 'choice spi- rits.' But what else, besides the grim and grinn'ng monster, dc you fear ? I will tell you. SHORT PATINT SERMONS. 119 UTien you have little money, and hardly enough to eat, you are afraid the time may come when you wil' have nothing at all — not «ven a crust of hope to gnaw at. When you are worth two millions of dollars, your soul shakes with fear lest, ere you kick the bucket, you become reduced to a million and a half. When it rains pottage, you dare not hold your dish out for fear you may catch a hop-toad. You are afraid to speak the truth lest you be thought eccentric You are afraid of omens, apparitio is, ghosts and shadows. When you have climbed high up the ladder of fame, you i*re afraid a round may give way, and let you drop to the place whence you started. When you are single, you are afraid to pass that bourne from whence no bachelor returns, lest a few thorns be found in the ever- blooming hymenial paradise. You dare not practise all you preach (as I do), for fear you may lose an occasional sixpence by it. You dare not confess your sins outside of a church, for feai people may think you are joking. You dare not put two shillings in the hat, when it goes round, for fear I shall be able to have lamb and peas for dinner to-mor- row, aLS well as you. Verily, man is as weak as a child, and timid as a kangaroo, of which he is but a longer-legged species. He has to ' work out his salvation with fear and trembling ;' and frequently fails to accom- plish it at last. He has a hard job of it, indeed ; and I hope that after he shall have worried and shaken himself off of this proba- tionary sphere, he will go to a world where there aro no hobgob- lins, spooks and scarecrows to frighten him out of his shirt and •enses. So mote it be ! * DRIVE ON !' Text. — Drive on your horses ! My Hearers: the spirit of the age is drive ahead, if you upset your wagon and spill your miik—keep up with the popular crowd. 120 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. and leave the old slow, careful coaches in the lurch. ' Get out o' the way, olJ Dan Tucker!' is all the go nowadays, musically, ino rally and mechanically speaking. A flood is upon us that is fas* washing all the works of the old music-masters into the dead sea of oblivion. The old, heavy drama is too slow a coach altogether for the present day. A lighter and faster one we must have — a regular trotting concern. Poor ShaKspere ! his house is sold, and has stepped out. His taper shines with a sickly glare in the mist}' moonlight of the past — a mere glowworm upon a dark and distant moor. Alas ! I am afraid ' he was not for a time, but for al'l day ;' and it is now about to be all day with him. But, good-bye, L>j11 : I must drive on my horses, or take the dust of unpopularity. My friends : we are a fast people, and live in a fast age. Per- haps you may say we are only riding down hill on a hand-pled : the more we increase in velocity, the sooner we shall reach the bottom, and then have to get back again the best way we can. Shouldn't wonder! shouldn't wonder! No, by thunder! no, by thunder! — the way is comparatively level, and the road is clear. All wtt have to do is to keep up the steam, and push ahea.l — pro- pel. When I speak of keeping up the steam, brethren, I i\o not mean that you shall fire up with that liquid damnation which feed^ the flames of hell, for thereby you may burst your boilers ; hiu I have reference tu maintaining that ambitious spirit of rapid pro- ajression to which neither the everlasting mountains nor the eter- nal hills can set any bounds. Ours is already a great country, but we want to make it a big country. No pent-up Blackwell's Island shall contract our powers ; but the whole boundless continent must belong to us. Republicanism, with his new big boots, ia bound to travel — and no power on earth shall say. Thus far shalt thou come, and no farther. Emperors, kings, princes, and poten- tates! get out of the vay, for we are coming with our fast horses! Clear the track for young America ! We intend honestly to vote (;urselves farms; but, if voting don't get them, by General ""piter Jackson, we'll take them, whether or no! Shall we lumbn along the road, and allovr other nations to pass us with a whiz '? No — never. Our horses ake fast, and we must give the world an aw- ing specimen of their speed. Take care, then, by Basil ! we are running a race v;iih 3ri*ain for Cuba; and, if you don't look o'i% you may get iiijureu. We must progress — advance — e.vnatiate- 8H0R T PATENT SERM. .ngs of the iEolian harp — to whom it is soothing to listen, and whose society is as sunshine to a storm-beaten flower. Bui, oh ! make my bed under a tinned roof during a night of incessant hail; place forty tomcats at my window, all in ' full feather' (fur, I should have said) for a row ; bid me deliver an impressive dis- course in a -grist-mill ; soak my corns in a boiling solution of pot- ash ; bore my ears with a two-inch auger, or a congressional speech upon the tariff; compel me to endure the infliction of a fashionable opera; grate loaf sugar by my side while 1 am pre- paring a sermon on Sunday ; put me on the rack, if you choose — do anything you like, if you will only save me from the ever- lasting clack of that woman, whose mildest tones are enough to harrow up a man's soul, [Shakspere !] freeze his warm blood, and make each particular hair — whiskers, moustaches, and imperial in- cluded — to stand on ' eend ' like bristles upon the back of a pup- worried boar-pig ! My hearers : I am afraid that if I say much more about the gen- tler sex, my soul, next week, will be as full of regrets as an old cot is of bedbugs in August : nevertheless, I am bound to preach the truth to-day, although the devil may tell me to-morrow that I ought to be ashamed of myself lor so doing. But, when you see my nose projecting from this old pulpit, know ye that I care not for the fear of man, the favor of women, nor the scoffs of Satan. I Jet out the truth, link by link, and, if I am thought to libel my brother man or my sister woman, let heaven be my judge — the twelve apostles, now above, constitute a jury — and I'll accept of anything for counsel other than a New York lawyer — I can't go THAT. In sooth, there is no use in trying to lessen the noise of a talkalive woman's tongue by applying the oil of praise; for, the mu*«j you grease it by flattery, the faster and louder it runs. Say not a word; put putty in your ears, and it may tire itself out. But, my dear friends, we ought not to be too severe upon the sisterhood. Heaven has made them as they are. Their jnperfec tioii is no fault of theirs, but an unwardable misfoitune. Nature made man the strongest, But woman's ongue the longest. SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 125 And now, in conclusion, my dear brethren, if you will Imt count ap your errors, and add to the sum total all your actual faults, you will ttnj that the account 's to be given to the credit of the fenu- nine gerder. Bear and lorbear- overlook triiles — forgive all er- rors on the part of the last and the loveliest of God's works — and say as I do : ' Woman, with all thy faults, I love ihee still !' So mote it be ! NOBILITY OF BLOOD. Text. — Nobility of blood Is but a glitte'ing and fallacious good : The nobleman is he whose noble mind Is filled with inbred worth, unborrowed from his kind. My Hearers : is there any such thing as nobility of blood ? No. The vital fluid that filled the veins of our first father, Adam, ana our first mother. Eve, is analytically the same as that which keeps emperors, kings and lords alive, or what now moistens yonder lit tie carno-carbonic lump of mortality — I mean that negro baby in the gallery. The blood of a man and that of a monkey are mate rially the same; but in the intellectual organization we find a vast difference. No one upon this mysterious earthly soil — which sometimes produces very small potatoes from mammoth seed — can lay claim to primordial nobility ; and to say that this oi that is not worthy of a hodman's recognition because of obscure origin, is to lerogate the diamond on account of its being dug from among the .icurf and dandruff that cover the cuticle of mother Earth, or to detrac: the blooming rose because it sprang from muck and manure. The King of Heaven himself (our Lord and Savior) was born in a stable, cradled in a manger, and wrapped in the commonest of swad- dles. Begat by a carpenter — [hold up a second, let nic wipe my spectacles ; I am not sure about that] — but, at any rate, he was born of an humble maid, and played among the chips and shavings that fell from the adze and plane of one who was said to have been his sire, but whom he never called ' father."' Yes. with all his humility, he was the greatest of the great, and the mightiest among ihe aiigh'.y. His Father, as he said, was in heaven ; and so you 126 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. can say to any one who boasts of his nobility: Beyond the skie« is your Father a*nd my Father, who thinks more of us than we c'o of each other, and provides for us both v/ith an impartial band. Now, now much better are you than I I Did we not spring from the same source 1 Are we not made of the same material T Dd we not tread the same soil — breathe the same atmosphere ? And phall we not both be put to bed with a shovel at last 1 Ve-ri-ly ! If you imagine that from your noble dust nothing lest than ama- ranthine flowers wall start, and nothing more than ephemiral toad- stools from my plebeian ashes — why, then you are laboring under (as my respected female friend, Mrs. Partington, would say) a false and artificial delusion. No, Lord Noble — I, or any other nig- ger,, am just as good as you — so long as good behavior holds out. When that caves in, you gel the advantage of me. My dear friends : your own acts must immortalize your names: as for relying upon ancestral fame, as well might a pigmy lay claim to strength and stature because his grand-dad was a giant. An honest, upright man — (the poet's sentiments and mine assimi- late) — is the purest specimen of nobility that ever graced the clod ; and 1 care not whence he sprang — whether from the loins of an autocrat, or from the womb of the commonest wench in Christen- dom. In short, my dear brethren, this is a subject that will admit of no further expatiation. All you have to do is, to prove your- selves noble by noble deeds, and you will pull yourselves up to a degree of eminence that never monarch yet attained by inherenl worth. So mote it be ! RIDING riFFERENT STEEDS. Text. — Across the fields and o'er the tide On Fancy's airy horse I ride. My Hearers : I have ridden many a hard horse in my day, and night too, but the hardest one that ever I strode, was a trip-ham- mer in a blacksmith's shop, propelled by water power and the deviltry of a son of Vulcan. The animal was not set suddenly a-going V bile I was astride, moralizing, philosophizing, scrutiniz- ing and p ^-aching against all vices — forgery in particular, and all SHORT PATENT SERMONS 127 forgers generally. That was a hard horse to ride. I could nei. Iher stop the beast, nor get off; so I held on, like hope to a chiis- tian, till the gate was shut, a-id my poor body released from its uncomfortable position. I declare, such a jerking up and down l)rought all my 'milk of human kindness' to a curdle in less than Iwo-thirds of a moment. My practical piety was broken into fragments not bigger than cherry-pits; and, had I known how to swear, I certainly should have indulged according to the most mo- dern and improved style. But, after gradually cooling off, I sat myself down and calmly reflected upon the various hobbies, horses and donkeys that men ride through the world — and this sermon is the result. My friends : the horse most generally ridden by us mortals is the otud of fancy. Across the fields and o'er the tide,' away we go, upon our winged Pegasus, as though heaven were but a few miles ahead, and hell close behind. While searching for pleasure and treasures in the realms of imagination, we suddenly bethink ourselves of something for dinner. So we are compelled to put foot out of stirrup, and seek sustenance from the common soil, like any other grub-worm. Some airy steeds are very fiery and fractious; and none but a mad poet would trust himself upon theii backs. There are some poets, though, who apparently would take delight in riding a streak of lightning all about creation. They would like to rush from world to world, and perform the whole circuit of eternity, in about two minutes and forty-four seconds. It is said that witches will ride through the air upon broomsticks, amid thunder-storms and tempests most terrible j but I don't be- lieve the devil himself would venture to straddle one of the wild fancies of our modern poets. If he did, he were a fool. My friends: in religious matters, people ride donkeys. They don't care about travelling too fast. ' Slow and sure' is their mot- to. They don't care about reaching everlasting salvation too soon * and as for their favorite endless torment, the later they get ther'; the better it suits them. They are all 'bound for the kingdoir,' however — the kingdom of heaven, and a gold currency. Eacn mounts his mule, or jackass, and off they start on so many .'Iif?er- ent tracks. Every one is going the wrong way, according to a?.- other's notion, and every one is right, according to his own notion Well, they all reach heaven afte'- a while. Perhaps Methodise 128 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. Jenkins get? in first — he having little the fastest nag — he has onlj tune to take off his hat, wipe his forehead and blow hh nose, be lore along comes Baptist Brown. ' How are you, Jenkins ?' 'How d'ye do. Brown ? — a little behind time — better late than never — but who'd a-tliought o' seeing you here, though !' Then rides in Pro- testant Episcopal Montgomery, Esq., as dignified as a wooden Co* lumbus, and most mightily astonished is he to find Catholic Mur- phy alighting at fiis heels. After which, in close succession, ar* live Presbyterian Smith, Unitarian Hawkins, Universal ist Dobsorj, and all the rest, except infidels; they ride to — God knows where! When they have all got in and are snugly and comfortably seated, each one tells the story of his journey. One had a rough road, but a short one — another was favored with mild and cheering sun- shine — another encountered continual storms. But each one's aon- key was the best — the road was the Jest — everything was the best — only the little sly sixpence contrived some way to creep out ot of the vest pocket; and no one has money enough- to stand treat. ■• It is easier for a camel,' &c., ' than for a rich man,' &c. My dear friends: in politics there are so many different horses ridden, just now, that I must take another occasion to particular- ize. If somebody, though, (1 won't say who he is,) don't come ofl' with a sorer seat than I did when I used to ride horse to plougn, you may cut my salary down to chips and shavings. So mote it be! ON BREVITY. TcxT. — Brevity is the soul of wit. Be brief, good sir — thy sentences are long and dull. My Hearers : this discourse will puzzle you, after you have heard it, to tell what it all amounts to, like a good many others. The story of life is a short one ; and it need not take a lifetime to teJJ It. We come into the world, grow up, get married, propagate, and pur-h olT. Where we come from, what v.-e are put here for, and wiiert we go to at last, is as much of a mystery as what becomes of a froglel's tail when it drops off; or whither swallows take ihe-i lliffht when the summer is over. These little feathered spi- SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 129 riu of the air return again in spring ; but for man's departed spi- rit, alas! it knows no return ! The beautiful flowers — how soon they fade, wither and die ! They visit us no more; but, in a litUe while, we behold their orphan children blooming upon their sepul- chres — even as we mortals flourish, for a time, upon the sod that bides the dust of our ancestors, and then sink, to make new soil and new potatoes for our offspring. My friends ; I will tell you of some truths. By a natural ncr- ccssity, there must be slaves, of various degrees, all the world over. Now, you know, as well as I, that when you meddle with slavery, it is always at a distance, geographically speaking. You have no slaves at home. Not a slave, nor slaves — at least, you know of none! I will 'holler' to you my opinion upon slavery. I hold It to be most decidedly a moral wrong. No acknowledged human SHOULD be kept in bondage, to be used, abused, bought and sold like a brute. But, my friends, what has morality to do with lega- lity ? ' Circumstances alter cases :' this is an axiom as musty as my old bible. Might is not always right — any Hottentot is aware of that: but that might makes right, according to conventional usage, we all know. Your servants are not allowed equal privi- leges with yourselves. Suppose I tell you this is morally wrong ; your only answer under heaven is — they are domestic.*? The slaveholder's answer is the same, with the exception that his slaves are negroes, and by nature inferior to domestics wearing a white skin. 'Cursed is Ham,' says the Book of books — 'he shall be a servant of servants' So Ham is — Southern Ham especially; and Northern Mutton is but a trifle better conditioned. Now, it is wrong in the eyes of heaven for you to treat servants as though they were but connecting links between your august selves and your hogs. Most decidedly it is ; but, 1 ask you, will it not be equally as wrong for a parcel of law-makers to compel you to place your 'help' (that's your term; at your first table, to givo them to drink what you drink, to eat what you eat, and to clothe them even as you be clothed 1 The only difference between white, limited, and absolute black slavery is, that the subjects of the lat- tei are bound to 'hoe de corn, plant de cotton,' whether or no, and make themselves contented : whereas those of the former have the LIBERTY to go and better themselves, if they can. Bui, friends, you know very well that four-tifths of them are coMPtLLtD, by 9 ISO SHORT PATENT SERMONS. circumstances, to stay where they are, witt wretched pay and ••^orse treatment, till they are kicked out of doors. Then, who ares, should they be driven to beggary "? Not a living Josey. I preach thus plainly, my hearers, upon a delicate topic, because 'verybody, at present, aopears to be interested — including my old .ircuit horse. Those friends of mine, the Barnburners, are wide awake upon the subject — my inveterate enemies, the Hunkers, are getting excited — my brothers, the abolitionists, are chock full of southern hatred, ginger and soda water — my unfortunate accom plices in political rascality, the Clay-men, are hopping about like peas upon a hot shovel — and my respected fellow Taylor folks are up in arms. I want to see slavery done away with everywhere : to have people love and respect one another more than they do, and entertain a higher regard for individual rights generally. If I can bring about a more desirable state of things than at present exists, by gentle coaxing or persuasive eloquence, I'll do it ; but I confess that I lack both the moral and physical courage to go into a neighbor's house and meddle with his domestic arrangements. So mote it be ! BE JOVIAL. Text. — With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come, And let my liver rather heat with wine Than my heart cool with mortifying groans. Why should a man whose blood is warm within Sit like his grandsire cut in alabaster 1 Sleep when he wakes? — and creep into the jaundice By being peevish 1 My Hearers: wake up! Don't sit sleeping with your eyes open. [ know the weather is warm, and the spirit within you is weary but you must shake off all lassitude, and keep the inward man in good humor, if you prize health above the value of a smooth shil ling, and would live to see old wrinkles drawing their latitudinal lines across your venerable brows. This is an artificial as well as a natural world ; and you must sometimes resort to aitificial means for the well-being of your corporeal systems. The greatest medi- cine in the world — next to calomel and jalap — is mirth and lauifb SHORl PATENT SERMONS. 131 ter. If, by nature, or from circumstances, you lack in mirthful- ness, the best advice I can give you is to take or do something \n MAKE you merry — find food for laughter, somehow or somewnert But recollect, my friends, that moderation is the word. You must keep in sight of certain reasonable bounds. There is no proprie- ty, happiness, nor religion, in going the length of a frog-leap fur- ther. My friends: I say, with my old, esteemed brother, Shakspere ; * Let my liver (and lights, too, if necessary) rather heat with wine than my heart grow cold and clammy with mortifying groans.' Heavy hearts and gloomy imaginings have put more people to bed beneath the sod than did ever an enlarged liver — whether caused by red pepper, black pepper, mustard, wine, brandy, or immode- rate laughter. I mean this, brethren, as a philosophical truth, which even the doctor, the devil, or any other wise-thinking indi- vidual can gainsay. Why should a man, whose blood is warm within — whose heart is made to beat to the tune of 'Old Dai- Tucker' — whose whole existence depends upon motion and acti- vity, inside and out — the complicated machinery of whose mind is kept in steady operation only by stimulating food, stimulating drink, and a proper exercise of the body — I say, why should such a being sit, like his grandsire in the window of a phrenologist, made of plaster-of-paris ? Give me an automaton clown to a street organ in preference : he does something to make children laugh, to say the least. My dear friends : when I see a stupid, lazy, melancholy dolt; monopolizing even two feet of room upon this valuable terrestrial ball, I feel as if I wanted to take him by the coat-collar and shake up his sympathies — arouse his dormant energies, and make him do something, either to the benefit or the detriment of those around him — 1 wouldn't care which ; for out of evil cometh good. An occasional roaring and tearing tempest is better than a continual calm ; and the bounding billowy ocean is sublimer and more inte- resting to behold than a sluggish, scum-covered horse-pond. This sleeping while awake, ana creeping into the yellow jaundiie with peevishness, is enough to make a spectator feel mouldy about the uiaphragm, and fear lest he become a stale fish in the market him- i,eif. My worthy iriends : man's life i« a play — a uaTr.a: the eailh i» 132 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. theatre ; the s^age the city, or that part of the country in which he "Mves. He is bound to play his part ; and, to play it well, he must first see that his mind and spirits are in perfect trim ; if they are not, he might as well undertake to climb a greased liberty-pole with cowhide boots and buckskin mittens on as to think of making a creditable performance. No ! he must get himself right, some- how; but as to the how of that how, how am I supposed to know better than the actor himself I He must be governed by his own feelings and habits. The state of the mind is everything — and a little spilled over. Keep that right, and you are right -right as the odd-numbered pages of a book To do this, you must exer- c se — exercise the body, exercise the stomach, and exercise the brain. Then you must take change — change your money, (and always have enough of it,) change your food, change your clothes, change your location for a day or so, (especially in the summer,) and, consequently, you will get a change of air. Attend to all these changes, and, though they may be a little disagreeable for the time, you will find that you have experienced no bad change in the end. They will reinvigorate and renew you. They will keep you as bright as new tin-ware to the last; and I shouldn't be surprised if, in your old age, with death staring you in the face, you laugher; more heartily than I did, one night last week, when 1 looked upon SI ~i an who raised a club to defend himself from an empty pair of breeches, upon Barren Island. So mote it be ! moonlight, love and music. Text. — How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank ! Here will we sit, and let the sounds of music Creep in our ears. In such a night Did pretty Jessica, like a little shrew, Slander her love, and he forgave it her. Mr Hearers : what is there more beautiful in the arrangement oi Nature than a mild, unclouded moonlight evening "n midsumme? — (^specially in the country ? That liquid radiance, shed upon ai 'hings below is the rich, yellow creain of beauty itself — the quint- SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 133 essence of all that can be called iovely after sunset — almost too rich and glorious to be supposed to emanate from such an oyster- balioon-looking concern as is that globe lamp which old father Nox hangs in the high chamber of heaven to light the holy stars to bed. Yet some of our moons are bunkum — first-rate, as is every- thing American. I doubt whether Italy, Greece or Ireland can boast of bigger, brighter and lovelier lunar orbs than we, the peo- ple of these thirty-one independent United States, are blest witl:. Talk about Saturn with his seven moons ! — he can't begin to shine, ^fter dark, with mother Earth, whose pathway is lit by a solitary celestial lantern. Seven moons ! — what wasteful extravagance ! — what wretched economy, when one good one, like ours, might an- swer every purpose ! If I had been Nature herself, I should have given a certain number of planets to every sun, and a single satel- lite to every planet. Why, brethren, I would as soon do my soul up in a dirty rag and throw it to damnation, as to show partiality in the distribution of 'light to all.' My hearers : we ought, nevertheless, to be satisfied with the fair round mo )n, that lends such a pleasing, witching (although rather melancholy) smile upon this dull, terrestrial sphere. See how it silveis the waves of yonder nervous, trembling, quivering bay ! — how brilliantly it mercurializes each brooklet, river and lake ! - - how beautifully it bronzes the wide-spreadinc landscape — everj bush, tree and brown old barn ! How sweetly its mild lustre re- poses upon this bank ! Here will we sit, and let the sounds of midnight music creep into our ears. What do we hear 1 — hark ! a persevering whippoorwill re-reiterates his castigating sentiments in song most tiresome to mortal ear : the grass cricket keeps up a monotonous lir-reh-h : the little feminine froglet, from a neighbor- ing marsh, attempts an octave above the compass of her voice, while a big, overgrown masculine at her side, with his chin rest- ing upon a lily-pad, puts in the tum-tums, boo-ker-chings, with a baseness, precision, patience and perseverance worthy of the high- est admiration. Then, too, as w^e sit upon this moon-silvered bank, let us listen, with the ears of imagination, to the silent music of the spheres. Don't their sweet sacred psalmodies raise the feathers upon the back of Fancy ! Don't they cause her pinions to expan'I — spread themselves — and take flight into the eternal regions of •Jpuce, tlie fitl- ^real domains of Nothing, and the happy, everlast- 1S4 SHORT PATRNT feZRMONS. ino' 'io» e of Nobody ! Yes, my friends, moonsliine, at mianipht, raises our thoughts to the skies, as in a balloon. It lets the soul ]()0?e from its carnal prison — separates it from all earthly dross, and lets it ascend, like a feather up a stove-pipe, to commune with its sister spirits in an atmosphere of purity, love and peace. Oh ! moonlight evenings are ihe ones to put yeast into a youthlul ima- gination, and to lighten the leaden fancies of the time-worn. They will cause dull weeds upon the half-sterile soil of age to resem ble the fairest of flowers. They add a fresh furbish and new gloss to soiled and threadbare memories. They encircle the heart with a halo of romance, and line one's bosom, for the time, with the soft, fine fur of friendly feeling. You may call it all moon- shine, if you please, but there is something in it more potent than common folks imagine. My hearers : in such a night, says my text, did pretty Jessica — like a little naughty shrew, as she was — slander her love, and he forgave it her. Of course he did. How could he have done other- wise in such a night ? — in sigh a night, when quiet, serene, hea- venly Nature whispered only of love, fnendship and forgiveness? And now, my friends, if you would have your souls softened — your ideal faculties expanded — your fancies strengthened in their heavenward flights — go 'out by the light of the moon' with one who fondly nolds a place in your bosom, rent free, and meditate, confabulate, hesitate, ejaculate, ponderate, and make love, at any rate. Go ! as I bid you ; and if you don't find that this world has lunar influences, and at the same time you don't experience the funny but mysteiious sensations of animal magnetism, why, then ril give up preaching and go to congress — or some other place equally as bad. So mote it be ! DISCOURSE TO THE WIND-WHISTLE ISLANDERS. The following is a translation of a sermon that I preached, last Sunday, to the aborigines of Wind-whistle Island. I took no text, but ' hollered' to them from a hollow tree, spontaneously, extemporaneously, and most outrageously. My native brethren : [perhaps I ought not to have called them SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 136 MT native brethren, because mine have all white faces] — I come among you, not to bring special glad tidings, for you are not pre pared to appreciate them ; but to tell you how unhappy 3'ou are ii- this your primitive anJ penniless condition. You are a most mi- serable set of semi-somethings, called human beings, but hardly worthy of the appellation. The moral drapery of your souls is as scant, coarse and uncouth as your physical toggery, and that ia ugly enough to make a dead dog bark. It is true, 0, Wind-whis- tlers, that you eat, drink, m.ake love dance and sing, and imagine that you are happy; but your happiness is all a filagree of fancy. How is it possible that you can be happy when you have no bible — no missionaries — no money — no politicians among you ? What [ mean by politicians is, men who have got nothing, and are will- ing to sacrifice all for the civil welfare of your bushy but glorious little island — to have it governed according to the great principles long ago ' laid down ' by General Jackson, and lately ' taken up ' and ' carried out' to Mexico by the illustrious Polk. Would you know a bible from a brickbat or a card of gingerbread, if I were to throw you one 1 I thought I had one in my coat pocket, but that's my powder flask. No, I know you wouldn't; but it's of no con- sequence whether you would or not, for you can't read any more than the wind that fumbles over the leaves in the book of nature. Did you ever hear of heaven 1 It's a great country, but you have not got there yet, and I'm afraid you never will : you won't, cer- tainly, unless you first know there is such a place, and make some sort of preparations to get there. We'l, heaven, ye poor, be- nighted and belated Wind-whistlers, is up there ! What you see overhead that looks like my blue cotton umbrella, here, when spread out, is heaven. You live under the centre of it, and are the farihest oft, while we, civilized and enlightened beings, dwell round ihe edges — where the golden skies commingle with earth, and wiiere perpetual peace and happiness prevail. Ye moneyless and miserable inhabitants of Wind-whistle Island! Far oil to the west, where the setting sun throws a flood of nur* pie and crimson glory upon the clouds, stands the great city of Gotham. I come from there. I come to show ycu the vast differ- ence between that place and this. There, we have heaps of mo- ney ; and, consequently, are contented and happy — you have none; and. therefore, are wretched and miserable. There, we aJl are ho- 136 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. nest: we never lie. cheat, nor take a(]vantage of one another — an.l ^o we are prosperous. Virtue, with us, is so comnmn lliat i\ attracts no attention from the angels, who visit us daily v»-ith siiii- shine on their wings: while, on the other han i, vice is so extreino- jy rare, that when a particle of it is found, Satan looks out of hia hole and gapes with wonder! We have no cares nor anxieties Ic trouble us. We take no thought as to what we shall eat, what we shall wear, or how withal we shall be clothed — only fashion and respect require that we shall eat the best we can get, and wear the finest we can afford. Your women remain rou.;h and unfinish- ed, as rude Nature formed them — ours aie scieweJ up here, and stuffed out there, to make them look like something worth loving. You let your wives ramble about out of doors in all kinds of wea- ther; plant corn and dig potatoes, while you are ofT a-fishing — whereas, ours are kept as pets and ornaments for the parlor. It's a wonder your children don't die off like November chickens, you take so little care of them. Our young ones arc cooped up, and nourished with careful tenderness: we give them medicine to pre- vent their getting sick, and, as a matter of course, they live to a good old age. Wind-whistlers : you are an unhappy and degraded people. To be blest, you must become civilized. You want, in the first place, money; for that is the root of all happiness. Then you need among you a few lawyers — several ministers of the gospel, of dif- ferent persuasions — a score of tailors, and a schoolmaster. These once among you, and there is no fear but the devil will ocnd you a plenty of doctors. Then you will be on the broad ruad to civi- lization, refinement and happiness. You may say that you are contented and joyous as you are; but I tell you, you are misera- ble — and, if you only knew it, you would feel so. I hope to let you hear the voice of wisdom emanating from this old tree again in due season. Meantime, go to your homes — talk the mattei over among yourselves — and come to the conclusion that you ar# wi etched, and mean to be made happy. So u»ote it be: EARLTt REHIRING *Nr Ri«TNv«». Text. — Early to beu, and early to rl^'». Make a man healthy, wealthy and -''is:?. ^^Y Hearers : the text I have chosen for n.y },.°Svni discourse ii most beautifully homely ; but it contains the clean K'^ru'^ls oi rru.ti without husk or chaff. I believe that the God of Nj^'u-e iniendea u.s to go to roost with the birds and chickens — not wltM tl^er". in one sense of the word, but to retir** to rest for the night at tue same time they do. All the brute creation close their ])eepers at the setting of the sun, save such as see the best in the dark : and whose deeds are evil : why should man be an exception, since he is not an owl nor a bat that sleeps through the day for the want of properly-adapted optics ? I see no reason under the planet of Jupiter why you should not go to bed as soon as Evening tMnpties her soot bag upon the earth, and get out of it at the first blush of morn. Even ten hours' sleep would do you no harm, after you got used to it; and I know that most of you are able to bear al- most twice the quantity without a grunt. My friends : by turning in early, you secure health. The brain, the stomach, the whole mental and physical system all cry aloud for rest, after a weary day of toil, care and anxiety. You may think to appease fretful ?sature by attending places of amusement, Dalls and bar-rooms ; but she is not to be cheated in any such man- ner. She is not to be pleased with toys nor tickled with straws; nor is she to be deceived by the silent, smooth-sliding hours. She knows the time o' night like a journeyman oyster-opener, or a waiter at Windua"s, and whispers into the deaf ear of the heart * Let's go.' But you heed her not. Very well ; on the morrow, after the sun has accomplished nearly one quarter of his diurnal journey, you crawl out of bed, languid, feeble and feverish, no ap- petite for breakfast, and hardly knowing your head from a hornet's* nest. You may follow^ ttiis up for a time, but eventually the maia pillar to the temple of health gives way, and down falls the beau* tilul edifice, never to be rebuilt for the want of a proper founda- tion. If you sacrifice your health, you lose wealth — you ^ose that which is more to be prized than all the gold of Ophir, Cali- fornia, Virginia and North California lumped together. Your iook.i betray you late birds w^ierever you go. 1 could tell you half a 138 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. mile oft* by moonlight, and look through a pair of patent le» tber spectacles. jMy dear friends: now look at the man who has been in the lutbit for years of putting on his nightcap at an early hour. If he isn't actually loaded down with the ' rocks,' or, in other words tne glittering dust that buyeth everything but a ticket to heaven and happiness upon earth, he is at least what is called well-to-da in the w^rld. With a joyous heart, and spirits as light as the down of a thistle, he goes forth to greet the young day, while the dew globulets bespangle the pastures, fields and meadows — while the air is balmy, fresh and invigorating — while the flowers are ex- haling sweet fragrance in almost visible abundance — while bees, bugs and other insects are as busy as the Fourth of July — and while the feathered choristers are singing spontaneous hallelujahs, as though they must either do it or burst their gizzards. Look at that man, the early riser! The rose of health blooms upon his cheek; his eye sparkles with the fire and glow of youth ; his step is as elastic as though his legs were set with wire spiral springs, and his body composed of India rubber. He is strong, too : ay, stronger than last winter's butter — stronger than an argument — stronger than a horse, and tougher than bull-beef. He can out- jump, outwalk, outrun and outlive any human that never leaves his bedchamber till nine o'clock, I don't care where you bring him f:om — whether from hardy Greenland or from the soft, sunny clime of the equator. He is infusible. He is not to be fried in his own fat by the melting heat of a midsummer's sun ; and he can bare his bosom to the bitter northern blast, with no more sign of a shake or a shiver than the Bunker Hill Monument in a snow^ squall. Oh, you puny, sickly, satTron-skinned sluggards, that never see the sun rise ! You lose a glorious sight — an exhibition that affords more pure delight to both eye and soul than all the shows ever presented to mortal view, the Northern Lights and American Mu- seum not excepted. I can't paint the picture. When I think of ji. discouraged Fancy drops her pencil at once, and says its no use. Try and get up and take a peep for yourselves, for once in your lives : then, if you think it a humbug, go to bed atrain and snooze till the day of judgment, for aught I care. But bow do you feel while shaking your feathers with the sun hard upon the meridian ? Ra first man that Nature made looked tolerably well out- wardly ; but she made the forehead too low, the eyebrows too level, and left the blood as cold as a sturgeon's : yes, and she tiled to make soap-stone answer for a heart. She made a murderer. Endeavoring to remedy these defects at the next attempt, she over- t-hot the mark. To warm the blood, she mixed in red pepper, ginger and aquafortis; and padded the bosom with a variety oi combustible materials — the consequence of which was, she pro- duced a quarreller, wrangler, fornicator and an aspirant to power. Here was another piece of work spoiled. Being then afraid ol the jireponderancy of the animal paRsions, she put up a slight fiame-work, barely covered it with dried rubbish, substituted vine- gar tor blood, made a heart of bass-w^ood, and left no room for » soul. Thus she turned loose a human being, wholly unsuscepti- ble of rational enjoyment, dead tc the pleasures of the world, aijo a stranger at the feast of reason. He was a miser and a thief. The result cf the next experiment was a creature seemingly cor -"ct in every part ; but through a multitude of unaccountable nrJa- SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 141 takes — nicely covered with putty and paii.t — he proved |o be a hypocrite. Here dame Nature hunjj: her head and paused, as if in a fit of discourag^ement; but rallying all her energies, collecting all her wisdom, exercising all her skill, anJ using the proper ma- \erials, she fell to work, and at length produced an honest man \ This was glory enough for one day. My hearers — Nature, rejoiced at her success, now thought she would venture upon liner work — the 'lovely dears.' So, with the fairest of sifted earth, soft soap, sentiment, and a bucket-full ol tears — sweetened with the sugar of love — she went carefully, bu* right merrily to the task. One or two were thrown upon hei hands, in consequeuce of being over highly tempered and furnished with a little too much tongue. Profiting by these defects, how ever, she soon completed a beautiful being, as lovely as the morn ng, as pure as the vestal snow, and against whom in her primi- tive state no one to this day ever dare say aught. Outwardly as fair as t'ne lily, and inwardly extra-jeweled with virtue, she walks abroad, a living specimen of the last, the best, and the most lovely of all Nature's works. Yes, my friends, the lasses are the love- liest of all breathing objects, but amazingly susceptible of being soiled and put out of kilter for life. Oh, that man should make tojs of them for a while, then use them for horses, and aftil-wards treat them like dogs ! Her beauty should be her shield, and her weakness her weapon. In me, nevertheless, the lasses may ever expect to find a valiant protector and a constant friend. I will stick by them, stick up for them, and stick up to them, so long as there is anything sticky in the first principles of love, admiration and respect; and if any scamp in my congregation dare oppose me, I will wollup him with such a cudgel of pastoral reproof as ia not brandished by every expounder of the gospel and good tnan- Jiers. So mote it be ! ON NOTING TIME Text. -The bell strikes one — we take no note of time ! My Hearers : it occurs to me that Time is shoving us on towards our last resting places at the most rapid rate. Yesterday I look a 142 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. retrospiK'tive survey of the distance between the Present and a certain post stuck up m the Past, and, to my utter astonisl mem, it measured full fourteen years ! Can it be possible, inquired I of myself, that what seems to be of yesterday only should be found Bo astonishingly in the rear? Yet it was so: and I have now come to the conclusion that the Past, Present and Future are all equ&ily deceiving. Put not your trust in any of them : if you oo, you will be taken in and done for, about as 'slick' as Jonah Wiggle yourselves, brethren, among the three, and make head- way the best way you can. Fond Recollection holds us by the coat-tail, and joyous Anticipation pulls us by the hair, while Re- ality gets us about the middle, from whose rough grasp we are ever struggling to escape. Somehow all we mortals seem to want is to get ahead, reckless of economizing tVe little strip of time be- tween here and hereafter. But there is no use in being in a hurry : we shall all reach the end of life's journey sooner than is desira- ble — and, I am afraid, before half of us have earned a pint of gra- cious salt for the pickling of our precious souls. My friends — ' we take no note of time ;' and a good reason why — time never gives a note ; never wants to be trusted, and trusts nobody. Why, it is enough to make a weeping willow laugh to see how*iiicely innocent people are cheated out of hours, minutes, aye, seconds. Good souls, they think that because there is a mul- t tude stored away for them in the Future, they can afford to squander as extravagantly as they please ; but they will find out, too late I fear, that minutes are precious gems, and hours worth their circumference in gold. Time flies with the swiftness of a swallow — days, months and years glide by with the rapidity of a locomotive upon the great western railroad, and we take matters just as cool and easy as though decline, decrepitude and death were all a romance! But, let me tell you, dear friends, that there IS a reality in all these, which you will but too suddenly experi ence. If you can't take time by the forelock, make a grab at nia fetlock, and hang on like a Dutchman's dog to the tail of a mad bull If there be anything in this world that I particulaily de epise, it is an indolent, lazy loafer, who lies down in the sunshine of self-content, and permits himself to be bitten by bugs and bedet ^>y flies, regardless of the scoffs and sneers of those who hapi^en *o be a little better dre.^se,.. Htuveii knows, and peiiiays i*'-i' SHORT I'ATENT SERMONS 14i also, that I am lazy enough to produce general stagnation through- out a neighborhood ; but I must say that thousands of my fellow- creatures, in this little city alone, are far less coneerned for then temporal welfare than your very humble and most obsequious preacher. So little do I care about money, that while the hat is being passed round, I shall close my eyes and think up a text for the next sermon. Meanwhile, however, let me impress upon your hearts — let me instil into the minds of your children — that moments are to be prized above rubies, and hours more valuable than the richest mines of Mexico, or all the wealth of the Indies. I had the boldness, the oiher mo ning, to ask a dissipated looking young stranger how he felt. Eubbing h's foreh-ead, and stroking the anterior of his peiicranium, he said he felt as if he was about to make a sudden start for he 1 on a hard trotting horse. Wish- ing him all sorts of luck, I bid him good bye. But, friends, the latter end of that young man will turn out to b^ a great deal sorer than he thinks. He has a hard horse to ride : nevertheless, if he sit easy upon the saddle and make the most of his time, he may get in without breaking his neck or collapsing his pocket. Time, my friends, as has been truly remarked by one of the eastern sages, is a great deal 'shorter than it is long.' It is as much shorter than pie-crust as pie-crust is briefer than the summing up of a district attorney in behalf of the Peebles ; and, therefore, it hehooves us all that we should stretch it to its utmost possible tension — for there is nothing like making as much as we can of the little we have. So mote it be ! BLIND FOOLISHNESS. Text. — I saw a mouse within a trap, 'Poor little thing,' said I, 'Oh ! why so foulihh to go in 1 Pray tell me, mousey — why "?' My Hearers: mice are foolish little animals; they sacrifice their souls for a crumb of cheese, the same as you do yours for a few lumps of gold. I can cobble up an excuse, however, for the mice . it is absolute hunsrer that drives them to d&sliuction ; but you jump into a pit or misery for the sake of someth'ng thnt you want h\ii don \ Nfiicij any more than a wiuie in-.i;- needs mittens and an ovftr- i4-l SHORT PATENT SERMOy% coal. Why will you ? — oh ! why will yor, . >*mren, for the sak of a s';iny dollar, allow yourselves to be entrapped by that arch* enemv of mankind, who goes about, according to scripture, 'seek* in<^ where he might suck somebody in !' j\ly friends : in every path of life the devil sets his traps; and it is curious to see the funny beasts, birds, and reptiles, he catches. Poor penniless creatures are driven in by necessity, and men of wealth and apparent respectability are caught by their own indis- cretion at last. Many a priest has he counted as game; and it is but two or three years since he caught a bishop by the tail, in the state of New York ; but as to how he escaped, thereby still hangs a tale — most probably by a compromise. What are the traps 1 you inquire. Why, my friends, every rum-mill, groggery and tip- pling-shop (where they don't sell good liquor) is a trap set by the devil to catch those who are guilty of not having over three cents in their pockets for the time being. My hearers : far be it from me to advise you to go to the devil, in any emergency ; but avoid his traps. Keep out of Wall street. Church street, and never enter the doors where they retail distilled damnation — liquid hell-fire at three cents a go ; and I wouldn't in- sure your your souls, under a heavy per centage, were I certain that you imbibed alcohol at even a shilling a nip. Young men! ook out for the traps and snares of the world, or you may have a chance to squeal when it is too late for succor. Every pleasure nath its poison, and each sweet a snare, as hath been truly said by somenody. It was 'ever thus from childhood's hour' — yea, it al- ways has been so since Nature was a little girl and wore panta- lettes. And you, ye gray-haired worshippers at the shrine of Mammon ! if you allow your avaricious propensities to get and keep the belter of that divine creature called Conscience, you will worry out the remainder o/ your days in a cage of misery and torment — in a trap-cage set b) Satan and baited with a sixpence. Brethren I — one and all — don't be, caught with chaff, saw-dust nof gold-dust; but pursue the even course of prudence and beauty; i.\A should you happen to get into the mire of misfortune, Heaveu Hope, Patience and Perseverance will as surely put you upon si. lid ground again as (by the looks of the wea.iicr) it will be a tail day to-morrow, b-n mote it be i I SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 149 ON LOVR AND FLOWERS. • Text. — 'Yoims: Lovp oir^e m a ^anlpn strayef^. Where Philonn"'. h?" «!tar-\vatch keeping, To the Ia!v moon h;8 flute so n'avel. That flowers, oppressed with joy, hung woti ing And fairy elves, in lily hells, Entrance!, forgot to weave their spells/ My TIrarers: All of my discourses, you well know, have a mo ra'. rather than a religious nature; hut in their moral, mind ye, a few seeds of religion may be picked out, just as well as not: anJ if you don't do it, it isn't my fault, no more than I should be to blame if j'ou were all to go to destruction with a lot of my ser- mons in your pockets Now, there is a great deal of religion, as well as morality, in love — it is good enouy;h week-day religion for any one: hut it must be pure, genuine, unadulterated love — love for everything virtuous, fair and beautiful — love for the sex, love for truth, love for honesty, love for one another, and lastly, but not leastly, love for flowers, [Tt has not yet been decided among politicians whether love for hard cider is religion or not.] Yes, my friends, you must all love flowers, or you can't have the ele- ments of true love in your souls. If you despise flowers, you despise me, and mock my religion. I never knew a person, since I shed my swaddlings, that looked upon flowers with cold indif- ference, but was morose, soggy, and perfectly destitute of love. All the tender sympathies for ever ice-bound in the frigid zone of the heart, can awaken, in such a wretch, none of those fine ex- quisite sensibilities which aiimate the lover of flowers, virtue and women, and render him an ornament to those paths in which he is 152 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. nonsensical way. 0, this waltzing is a silly piece of business. A piij'l'y whirling round after his tail makes a more respectable appearance than a couple of our Heavanly Father's images in the ludicrous position of waltzing. If dancing must be done at all, I Bay let it be done decently and in order — after the manner of the times in which I came the ajetta to a nicety. Let the figure be simple — keep at a respectful distance while balancing to partners — and when you go down the middle, don't squeeze hands too tight, and look out for the corn plantations on either side. My beloved friends : it always affords me a full purse of plea- sure to see my young pupils happy in the enjoyment of rational pastime. I would not, for the world, throw aloes in the wine-cups of young men 5 neither could I have the cruelty to force worm- wood tea down the delicate throats of those dear, delightful an- gels who honor me with their presence. But while drinking from the pitcher of pleasure, you must be careful and not drink so deep as to make a buzzing quill factory of your cock-lofts. If you do, you may stand a chance to learn St. Vitus' dance, or be obliged to dance down the dark alley, to the tune of Delirium Tremens. Think of this, my young friends, and toe out like a tea-stand ! 1 know, full well, that you find a good deal of fun in your wild dances — you lose, at the time, all sense of present woe, and fee) light as corks; but mind, I tell ye, if you keep it up of a nigh' till you get your pores too far open, the storm that may blow on the morrow will beat in, till you become water -soaked, and finally sink down beneath the waves of corruption, to rise no moie. May each of you weigh my sentiments on the subject with the steelyards of prudence — dance not on slippery pla'^es — and return, as far as convenient, toward the good old ways 0/ your ancestors. So mote it be ! ON UNION. Text.— ' Union,' the woods, 'union,' the floods, 'Union,' the hollow mountains ring. My Hearers : if we look abroad, cast a philosophic eye ovei what Nature, or Nature's God has created, we sbill find that co- hesive union (everywhere exists. The rocks are attached to eacb SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 15S Other — the trees of the foust grow quietly togethe; without disa- Cjrcement, or the slightest manifestation of ill-will one towards an- othor. The seas and the flood^^, as they ro'l, seem to murmur and complain, as though naught but unhappiness had fallen to their lot; yet wave follows wave — where one goes, the other goes — where one sleeps the other sleeps ; and when storms and tempests arise to tiouble, if one be shaken, the other must be shook, too. There's union for you, my friends, which you would do well to take a fattern from. The stars in the firmament sing together — the bugs, bees, caterpillars, butterflies, birds, and all kinds of in- sects, seem to dwell together in harmony, friendship and love ; with the exception of some instances where the principle seems to be sustained that 'might makes right.' My friends — be united. 'In union, as well as in an onion, there is strength.' A house divided against itself must come down. In politics, and in relation to my particular friends, the Democrats, the force of this principle has been strongly demon- strated. The Old Hunkers and the Barnburners could do no- thing but disagree ; the consequence of which is, they ' Lost their election.' 'Make your election sure,' says the good Book ; and to do this, you must be united, t am glad to see, however, that something like a spirit of brotherly love has lately been stirred up among you. You seem to feel the necessity of union — you are determined to act upon this necessity ; and, if you don't whip the Whigs for the two following years, you disgrace your political profession, are a dishonor to your country, and unworthy of the name 'Locoroco.' As forme, I always assist the party I think is going to win. I have helped the bear heretofore, but now I in- tend to help YOU — provided you help yourselves as much as you can, by sticking together, like a flock of sheep, and huddling the closer the more furiously drives the storm. Let 'Union, for the sake of the Union" be henceforward our motto — our watchword — our shield — our musket — our shovel — our 'toothpick,' and our spade — and, just as sure as the glorious sun shall shine on my straw hat to-morrow, we shall go on ' conquering and to' eat clams, till the last vestige of Whiggery is swept into the dark north-east forner of oblivion — besides doing other great things. My dear friends: what a lovely sight it would be, too, to see all the different religious sects and denominations throughout the 154 SHORT PATENT SF.RMON8. world, united in spirit, faith and doctrine! — all worshi]»ping aftel the same form and manner, in one grand, magnificent temple, as it were : whose dome is the blue-arched sky ; whose aiiar is the eternal mountain ; and whose broad aisle is the valley of the Mis- B.'ssippi! Oh, what a beautiful picture for Contemplation to sit and fan herself over ! There, in the yonder green and eve;-fresh pastures of universal love, harmony and truth, are ihe various flocks all feeding quietly together — all nibbling the same spiritual grass, or lying in the shade and chewing the same kind of cud (not tobacco, brethren,) — all receiving the salt of salvation from the different shepherds, no one of which pretends to be purer and cleaner than another, and all cooling their noses and quenching their thirst at the same refreshing and ever-running rivulet of love and good will ! — ewes, lambs, wethers, and rams with the rest. 0, this were a glorious sight! but I am afraid, brethren, that Time will snap our brittle thread of life long before it can be brought about. If this thread was only made of india-rubber, and large enough, it might stretch ten years, on a steady pull ; but, alas ! there is little more strength to it than to what the spider spins ! I wish to see, dear brethren, a spirit of union everywhere pre- vail : among those of dilierent pursuits, callings and professions; among all societies, clubs and associations ; among the high and the low, the rich and the poor; among all partnerships — ])articu- laily those formed for life, by the uniting of hands and hearts ; and I may say, without committing an assault and battery upon propriety — of lips, too. Here is the kind of union that would make my soul purr like a kitten to see more fully manifested. All you young brothers and sisters who are outside the gate to the garden of connubial bliss, and fain would enter, come up, and 1 will give you tickets to pass, at the rate of twelve shillings the cou])le. Come up to the altar, and be fixed off for only twelve shillings ! I want to make every one happy as possible ; there- fore, come up, and receive ten thousand dollars' worth of happi- ness for ONLY twelve shillings! Come and have the knot tied, tighter and cheaper than anywhere else! What! none come for- ward ? Yes, a solitary couple. Well, I marry you upon my pa- tent principle. ' Do you take one another for better or for worse T * We do.' ' Then I pronounce you two ' one of 'em.' As you are rather of a small pair, I shall charge you but ten shillings and six- SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 155 ijcnce — go, aid be happy!' Now, my unmarried heaiers. 1 hope and trii>t that, ere another week shall have rollel aioiind, many of you will have made up your minds to strengthen the bonds oi union in general, by uniting one with another, thereby securing perpetual bliss to yourselves, and — twei > e shillings to me. S« iiote it be ! ON THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS Text. — Though no word may be spoken, My welfare to tell. When I send thee a token, Decipher it well; In my desolate hours My solace shall be. In the language of flowers To whisper to thee. My Faithful Hearers : I 'spose you know well enough that there are more languages on the face of the globe than you can shake a stick at, or cypher up on a slaty in a dog's age. There are all kinds of gibberish, from Cherokee up to Chaldee — but I consider the old English the best of any agoing ; because it is just as plain as A, B, C — so plain that he who runs may read, and know exactly what it means. Every other language is mere geese-gabble ; jabber-jabber, google-google. Those who talk it can't make each other understand, without a wriggling about, and bobbing up and dovrn of heads, just as the geese do. Bat they contrive to get along, some how or other — so, they may talk Tur- key, Tonga-wanga or low Dutch, for aught I care. Between you and me, and the lamp post, my friends — tongues are not always necessary to express and convey ideas. There is a language in almost every thing, in the heavens above, the earth beneath, and the place down below — excepting in shell-fish and saw-dust pud- dings. The birds, beast?, and insects, all understand each other, 'ike bedfellows. The Naiades prattle in the brooks — old Neptune grumbles on the ocean — Diana sings in the woods — and Flora, the fair mistress of flowers, teaches her blooming children to converse with man in a mysterious language, but plain enough to be under- stood by those who will lend an ear to their silent eloquence 156 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. Yes, my hearers, every flower has a sentiment to iinpart and if you'll keep awake long enoUj^n, i'li paiuculanze a ii.le. The rose speaks of beauty — it is called the Queen of F.owera — (not Queen Victoria — she's a pond-lily, surrounded by bull frogs and water-lizards) — it blooms and looks lovely but for a short time — its blushing petals soon fade, and the rough winds scatter them abroad — telling that beauty is evanescent, and won't stand the scruhbing-brush of time. It is guarded by thorns, the same as some girls are all stuck round with pins — cautioning the em- bracers of beauty to look well, or they may get scratched a few. The myrtle is always full of hope and expectation — it keeps green, and never turns pale with disappointment. When a young man sends a myrtle to his sweetheart, she has a right to expect a visit from him instanter; because the vegetable can't lie. The jasmine is a pretty little flower, and I hope my young female hearers will heed its moral. It is an emblem of simplicity ; and shows that a girl's heart, free from guile — not too fond of setting traps — is the coiner-stone of beauty. It braves the storms of win- ter, as an artless heart does the blasts of adversity and ill-luck. The hollyhock is ambition itself — its blossoms seem to strive for the ascendancy on the parent stem ; and those nearest the top have the toughest time of it in the gale. People generally don't know how cold it is on the top of Mount Ambition. The yellow day- lily represents coquetry, because its flowers don't last over a day. So it is with all coquettes — they have their day, as well as dogs ; and the dogs of it is, they arn't worth a tinkers dog when they are in full blossom. The tulip is the posie for lovers. It is al- ways used as a declaration of affection. When I first saw my wife, (that was,) I didn't tell her right out that I loved her; so I sent her a tulip, and it did the thing, just like a knife — she knew what it meant. Madder, my friends, is a true emblem of calumny — its leaves make a stain that wont wash out with soap-suds and potash. I advise you to talk with this flow^er, and never backbite your neighbors — for the marks left, where their backs are bitten, will always remain. The lilac ir.eans forsaken. When a beau don't intend to le his aflfections hang on any longer, he should send his girl a lilac, and she'll know directly that he means to be o-p-h, like a pot lid. I must call the attention of some of my heaters *'^ one particular flower — and that's the T^un-flower. It ii SHORT PATENT SERMONS 157 n picture of h ass-faceitiveness. It can look at the sun ■without blushing;, and stare the moon out of countenace — it carries its head altoojether too hig^h, and has nothing to recommend it but che black seeds of impudence! I coulJ tell yo^' lots more about the lan- guage of flc wers ; but pay attention j what I have given — con- verse with them often, and compare their sentiments with those that have taken root in your hearts. Let no madder, sun-flowers, night-shade, pig-weed, and such like vegetables, find a genial soil in your bosoms — if they already have, hoe them out immediately, for they will overrun the whole mord garden, and prevent fair Virtue's flowers from putting forth a single bud. There is a little flower, called the violet, that young ladies should profit by. It indicates modesty, and, to my notion, is the prettiest child of the whole floral family. To see it lying in its grassy cradle, looking up so lovely, and with a dewy tear-drop resting in its little blue eye, is enough to give one the kiss-distemper! I flatter myself I see a great many violets among n^y congregation. I saw lots of artificial ones last night, going up and down Broad- way. T knew such flowers as they wern't genuine, as quick as I smelt them. But, my hearers, it matters not what kind of vege- tation you are; you will all soon be cut down by the scythe of Time. You don't flourish long before you are lopped off. It has been truly said, that you spring up like a hoppergrass, grow like peppergrass, and are cut down like sparrowgrass. Think of these things, and be prepared for a final arl happy transplantation to that land where buds of purity alone can blossom. So mote it he ! WOMAN — HER POWER. Text. — Oh woman, woman, woman ; all the gods Have not such power of doing good to men As you of doing harm ! — [Dryden. My Hearers: there is no doubt but Woman brings as much wo And wretchedness to man as does that root of all evil, money. We of the opposite gender quarrel, fight and toil for both, and by both not unfrequently are made miserable. I would not have the fair portion of my audience suspect me of believing that they do, taken in a lump, more harm than good to men- but that they have liSS SHORT PATENT SERMONS. THE powEB of making more mischief among us weak and erring ions of sit than ever had Satan when he was al'owel to wandef at will up ar.c down the earth in search of ihose whom he m'ghl feel disposed to devour. It was woman that first ate of the apple of sin in Eden, and caused man to partake of the same — whereby deviltry, death and damnation came like a disease upon the world, which has now assumed such a chronic form as to defy eitliei preaching or any moral purgative that can be admini tered. When our first paternal parent was soundly sleeping in Paradise, amid the fresh-blown roses of peace, Heaven stole a portion of his finer but superfluous material to fit up a woman ; but had he been wide awake at the time, instead of napping, and could he have fore- known the misery that she afterward brought upon him, he never would have consented to the operation that was performed upon him. My friends : Woman is the fountain of all human frality. Were it not for her, we should exhibit moral might and strength, where now we show nothing but weakness. She draws from us the life-sustaining sap of virtuous resolution — encourages our am- bition to beyond its proper point — she is the bane of empire and the root of power — causes mischiefs, murders, massacres ; and damns us faster than Providence can save. Allow me to ask, with my old friend Otway, what ills might not have been done by wo- man ? Who was it that betrayed the capitol ? A woman ! Who was the cause of a long ten years' war, that laid old Troy at last in ashes 1 A w^oman ! Who lost Marc Antony, what he termed, the world ? A woman ! Yes, it was a woman — the same deceit- ful kind of a creature that was at first given to man as a blessing, and afterwards proved his bane. There was a time when Inno- cence and Love slept as sweetly together, beneath a heaven-built bower of bliss, as a twnn pair of babes in a cradle; but woman led them astray ; and now they no longer go hand in hand, but wander solitary and alone over the sterile plains of vice and licen- tiousness. Woman, always in quest of some new adventure, saw jhe devil — changed her love — inclined her soul to his temptations — and, for the sake of a wormy pippin, brought enough wo and .misery upon all mankind to create a yellow fever in the coldest corner of eternity. My hearers : Womi n sometimes sews the seeds of sorrow among SHORT r\TF,NT SERMONS. If^ oiir flowers of joy^ and sticks pins through our trovtsers when we suspect she only intf nds to tickle. She coaxes us with her smilrs, and leads us astray by her arts ; and yat, after all, we must ac- knowledge that the weakness is ours and the power is hers. 1 iib feminine race of mortals appear to be governed by an absolute and stubborn fate. There is no removing the land-marks of their love; and their detestation can be bounded by no certain limits. When they love, they love with a looseness; and when they hate, jt is entirely on the high pressure principle. When a female has her affections once fairly fastened upon a man, you can no more detach them by persuasion than you can coax a couple oi angry hull dogs from each other, with a slice of raw beef. The women have beauty and pride, which makes mankind their slaves ; and nothing, save the soft soap of flattery, can induce them to unloose the fetters from one poor mortal and bind them upon another. Pour out a few drops of praise upon woman from your vials of admiration, and the apparent ossification of her heart is ^mi.ie li- ately reduced to the consistency of calf's head jelly for there is no mistake but the thoughtless sex are oftentimes caught by empty noise, despite their pretensions to almost absolute power in the oi- fices of love. My fair feminine hearers : although you possess the power of making a vast deal of mischief among the mass of mankind, I would not, for the world, be so uncharitable as to suppose that you always take advantage of this power, for the purpose of playing the Old Harry with us of the masculine gender. You are not to be blamed for your beauty, nor censured for those attrac- tions over which you have no control. If a moth flutters around the alluring blaze of a candle, and scorches its wings, it is all ov/ing to its indiscretion, and no fault whatever can be attached to to the fatal fire by which it dies. Nature made you, my dear females, to temper man — to smoothe the asperities of his nature, which IS as rough as the back of a hog, when manipulated 'rom the tail headward — and so long as you scatter roses among our daily v/alks, T, for one, won't grumble if a few thorns of wo are concealed beneath the bright blossoms of love. Without you w€ e\idently should have been brutes, caring for nothing save the sensual enjoyment of the present, and as utterly regardless of the future "s a ral, aibbiiiig at ihe bail of a steel-trap. Angels, it is 1(JA SHORT PATENT SERMONS. Raid, are painted fair to look like you ; for in you we fanc^ that we behold all brightness, all purity, all truth, eternal joy and ever- lasting love — notwithstanding we sometinnes get deceived, and af- terwards detest the very name of Woman. You are the last and t'ery best reserve of God ; but when your moral characters be- come stained witli sin, and bespotted with vice, you are looked I'pon as the most loathsome of reptiles that cast their slime upon the fair surface of the earth. Your power fordoing either harm or good remains with you so long as Virtue is your aid and pro- tectress, and no longer. You can make mischief among men by causing them to fieht, bleed and die for you, while your inclina- tions are virtuous and your actions are exemplary; but as soon as your rudders of virtue are lost from the sterns of your frail ves- sels, you are left to the mercy of the winds and the waves ; and, with all your false show, false colors, and doubtful singnals of distress, no one will deign to assist you. Let your aitractii.ns be inward as well as outward, my young females — wear no paint upon your cheeks — no artificial smiles upon your features — carry no dissemblance in your hearts — and then if you are the cause of harm among men, the weakness i« **heirs, and to you belongs the glory of being possessed of such lovely attributes as to command the respect and the admiration of ii.^, woi^d. So mote it be ! ON PATIENCE. T'Tyr. — There's not a virtue in the bosom lives That gives such ready pay as patience gives. 'vTy Reapers: There can be no question but it would be bettei tor most of you did you possess in a greater degree a certain asi- nine virtue, called patience. It would be much to your gain and glory for you to make jack-asses of yourselves in this respect. The ass that patiently bears his t irden, from day to day, feels far more at ea^e, and is much better off than the mettlesome colt thai kicks lor a while in the traces, /)ruises its own heels, and has to submit, after all, to the will of the wagoner. It is known to you ail, beloved frienJs, that the cat, by patient sitting and watching, ia I SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 161 Ainiost certain to catch the mouse; hut the hound thai hurries af- Jer Ihe hare, worries anil fati.e:ues himself oftentin.es in vain That paradise of happiness for which we are all seeking is hedged in, an 1 surrounded bv. thorns : an I he that endeavors to rush ra>h!y through them, is sure to be wounded and impeded in his progress — but the one that picks his way patiently escapes unscratched, and unexpectedly finds himself in the elysium of the blest. Oh, patience can accomplish more than mortals dream of! No great design was ever snatched at once. The ingenious nest must first be built — the egg must then be laid — and patience must sit upon it till the chicken is hatched. Rome, that wasn't built in a day, still lift*- her exalted head, an everlasting monument of patience ; — and if all unmarried people who how sit wriggling in their chairs or lie tossing in their beds, impatient to get a taste of the sweets of matrimony, would quietly wait their time, genuine happiness would be more likely to attend them in the event. My friends : ancient Job was smitten with sore biles, from the crown of his head to the sole of his foot ; but, instead of cursing God and dying, he was enabled, by patience, to sing in his suffer- mgs, even as a tea-kettle singeth with its bottom upon the burning coals. Adam exhibited much patience ere he found a wife to cheer him ; and a great deal more, after he got a wife to vex him. ft was through patience that Eiisha dwelt so long by the brook in the wilderness, dependent upon precarious crows for hi., food. Patience caused the seven years' pasturage of Nebuchadnezzar to appear but so many months. Patience, amalgamated with an im- plicit trust in Providence, kept Jonah alive in the whale's belly: — and it is only by the .most enduring patience, my friends, that 1 continue, from year to year, to sow the seeds of moral advice upon every sort of soil, for the sake of seeing a few green blades spring op amid the burning sands of iniquity. As ' constant dropping will wear away stones,' so I mean to keep patiently pouring the oil of instruction upon your adamantine hearts, till they become as soft as putty and as absorbing as sponge. My dear hearers : there ire three things that no moral, christian or natural phdosophcr can put up with, with any degree of pa- tience — namely : an excruciating toothache, a loquacious bore, and a scolJing wife. Of hese evils there is no least to he chosen; an I he that is afflicted with either of them is certainiv an obiecl 11 ftt2 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. of pily ; but most of the trials, vexations and troubles that attcir^ us in life can be overcome by patience, proper perseverance, ami a firm reliance upon the protecting care of Providence. A too l^reat eagerness for things desirable and tempting is the cause of half your misery. Like foolish rats and mice, you enter the trap cage and nibble at the cheese of temptation, without first consult- ing how you are to get out — you follow the will-o'-the-wisps of pleasure, even to the centre of the swamps of destruction — you wade in deep and dangerous waters for the purpose of grasping at imaginary bubbles ; and sometimes give Satan a mortgage upon your souls for the sake of a few hundred dollars. My friends : go and learn patience from the beasts, birds, in sects and reptiles. They are always content with what Nature provides for them to-day, and care less of to-morrow's fare. Their wants are few and easily supplied ; but you, discontented mortals, are never satisfied with a sufficiency. Give you enough to eat, drink and wear — ay, all the comforts that the world can afford — and you still have an eternal itching after honor, glory, praise, riches, or something else equally poisonous to peace and happi- ness. Instead of making yourselves uneasy in the anticipation of richer enjoyments yet to come, you ought to be satisfied with the repast of the present — but don't dip in too deeply. If you drink from the cup of pleasure till you become intoxicated, all present hilarity is sure to be soon turned into the saddest of melancholy. If you do nothing but sip at the sweets of the world, a sickening sensation around the heart soon ensues, and you feel far worse than you would had you partaken prudently of the dainties w^hich Heaven supplies. In the morning of youth you breakfast upon hope — take strong cups of the hot coffee of enthusiasm, sweet- ened with the sugar of incipient love, and seem to enjoy the feast like juvenile gods revelling amid ambrosial sweets — but you in- dulge with too much freedom altogether. At the mid-day of man- hood your fare is more substantial. On the table you find the corned beef of care — the mustard of misery- offensive onions of avarice, and a small quantity, indeed, of the true butter of bene- volence. You eat and get your fill, and then you go away com- plaining of indigestion and the wickedness of the world. In old age you sup upon sorrow, and lament that your appetites have gone and that yoi have lost all relish for earthly enjoyments. SHORT PATENT SEIIMONS. 163 Thus you go forward, from the cradle to the grave, disdaining all plain but proper food, till it is too late forever to enjoy it; but if you will now make up your minds to live upon plain mutton and morality — the unseasoned soup of sobriety — and drink nothing but the pure water of wisdom, and have patience to put up with a few temporary annoyances, you will enjoy life's treat in a man- ner that becomes the rational portion of the Almighty's creation ; and, at last, go down to the grave uncorrupted in body and undis- eased in spirit. So mote it be ! INDEPENDENCE. Text. — Independence is the thing, And we're the boys to boast cn'l. My Hearers : Next Thursday is the birthJay of American Lib erty — the day upon which our star-spangled banner first waved in the fair breeze of Freedom — the day that the proud eag-le of the mountain first looked down from his eyry on a free and independ- ent nation — the day upon which the fat, ragged and saucy chil- dren of Columbia broke loose from the apron strings of their mo- ther country, and kicked up their heels for joy, like so many colts released from the bondage of winter's confinement. Ycu ought, on this occasion, to be as full of glory as a gin bottle, tnat this blessed anniversary is about once more to dawn upon your beads, and find you reaping the harvest of those blessings which your fathers sowed in revolutionary soil — watered with their own blood and manured with their own ashes. Yes, you ought to throw up your caps, and make the halls of Freedom ring with loud huzzas : and then sit down and meditate on the groans and the pains of travail which attended this mighty Republic during the delivery of her first born — Liberty. My friends: next Thursday the celebration will take place. Then the whole nation will be alive, like a beggar's shirt , there will be a general stirring up of the genus homo from one end of tlie nation to the other. The fires of enthusiasm will be kindled in every breast; and many of those who lack in patiiotic giory, will doubl^ess supply themselves with the arti*J? a.", the boothp 164 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. round the Park But my dear friends, this sixpenny pat'I.tk'ja is most horrible stuff: it is patriotism of the head and not of tr«.» heart. It makes you feel too independent altogether. It indiirsft you to fight in limes of peace, and takes all the starch oot ot yo'H courage in times of war. While this artific'' 1 Datriotis.T is e iei- vescing in your cocoa-nuts, your boasts of iraependp.^ce are IduI and clamorous : but when its spirit has evaporated, yo-.i are tiiv veriest serviles that ever writhed under the lash of despoiisni. If you suppose, my friends, that the proper wav tc observe our na- tional independence is by drinking brandy slino-s c.,-A gi?. cockraiis* you are just as much mistaken as the boy was wno set a bear crap to catch bed-bugs. But I see there is very little use in scatT.e/ii>i>; the seeds of good advice upon such barren soil as ihe bosoms cf many now present. It is just about as easy to preach sdlvauon into a basket of stinking fish as to turn them from the eixor of their ways. My friends: while you are citizens of a free and independent republic, you should always let independence be your boast, but never forget the price at which it was purchased. It »'o;i.t Uncie Samuel something more than mere powder and shot. It co^'t him some of the most precious blood that eve coursed through the veins of mortality ; and the bones of martyred heroes that now lie crumbling in their sepulchres, or bleaching uoon the bartle- heUl, are the melancholy memoranda of the price at which cur liberty was purchased They offered themselves up as sacrifices upon their country's altar, in order that you and your children's children might live in clover, and feast upon the rich fruits of freedom, to the stomach's and heart's content. Will you then, my friends, break into the enclosures of the dead, and hckl drunken carousals upon the graves of your fathers who fought, bled and died in defence of your dearest rights 1 No — I am perfectly well convinced that most of you won't do any such thing; but, on the contrary, you will behave yourselves as men, patriots, christians, and gentlemen should ; and not like soaplocks and rowdies, v/ho would glory to deflower even the Goddess of Liberty herself, in fier own sacred temple. I know there will be some who declare themselves free and independent of all moral law, restraijit, order and decency — who will be so carried away with branily and en- thusiasm that it will lake a whole week for them to gather up SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 165 Iheir scattered fragments of ideas, and return again to ihe home- stead of common sense and reason. My dear hearers : I like to hear you boast of your independ- ence, if it be not done in a vain and bragadocial spirit ; and my gratuitous prayer is, that you may maintain it so lorg as you are permitted to squat this side of the deep, still river of death. To preserve your collectiv-j strength, your hearts, your feelings, and your pure sympathies must be all joined together, like the links of a log chain. You must all hang together like a string of tish, snd stick to one another, through thick and thin, like a bunch of burdocks in a bellwether's fleece. Remember, my friends, that, with all your boasted independence, you are poor, weak, miser- able, dependent beings. That same Almighty hand which provides you with soup and shirts, beef and breeches, can take them all from you in a little less than a short space of time, and leave you as naked as an apple tree in winter. Yes, my friends, you must recollect that you are dependent as well as independent; and that all the favors you receive are donations from Heaven, brought down by angels of mercy, and distributed impartially among the grabbing, snatching and thieving sons of sin. So mote it be! N. B. — We, that is the mayor, common council and myself, have thought it well not to have any booths round the Park next Thursday — not that they have been the cause of disturbance and riot, but there is no knowing that they might be; and therefore we consider it advisable to resort to precautionary measures. You can get your inner man refreshed and replenished at those public houses where your money is wanted more than at the booths. A FLEETING WORLD. Text. — I've been thinking, I've bfen thinking What a fleeting world this is. My Hearers : In this fleeting world, whatever comes must shortjy go — disappear like barn-swallows at the latter end oi suL'jne.' As Brother Bowshin once truly remarked, What's here to-morrcw is gone yesterday. Time halloi s ' shoo !' to the whole living flock, and away they scamper out of the flowery vale of youth vj* the 166 SHORT LATENT SERMONS green hill-sides of matuiitj^, to the semi-barien highlands of a^e , an.] push on, like so many bnfialoes, for the fearful precipice! Poor Mortality ! — doomed to drudgery, disappointment and death — sits down as soon as she can see to thread a needle, and makes herself a shroud. She sews assiduously, but the shades of eveL- ing begin to gather ere the last stitch is taken. Anu ycu. bi-eti-t- ren, whereabouts do you stand, between the beginning and 'h-» end? You may think it a great way from one extrem.ity of eyv» tence to the other ; but O, ye victims of a wretched optical illusio i ! let me tell you, that if you were now to strip, preparatory to an eld'- nal sleep, you could stand exactly where you are, and with one hand toss your boots into your cradle, while with the other you hung your hat upon your grave stone. Verily, life is so short that any middle-aged tobacco-chewer might easily lay his quid upon the tomb, and turn round and spit upon the step-stone to the dooi of being. My friends : Hope and Memory are both lying jades. One tells you that your life has an amazingly long tail, tapering lo a point like a spindle ; and the other would fain make you believ3 that you are yet scarcely a toad's-hop from, the suburbs of child- hood. Believe them not, for they are gay deceivers. Hope ereccs a ladder, like that in the patriarch's dream, with its fool upon earth and the top resting against the cornice of heaven. Accom- panied by angels, you begin to ascend it ; but, ere the middle round be reached, the bottom slips, and down you come ker-flam- mux. The angels take care of themselves. And thus you are deceived in relation to the length, breadth and prospects of your earthly existence. Poor insects of an hour! elated with hope, putTed with pride, and spurred by ambition, you scramble about upon the graves of your ancestors for a brief while — then keel upon your backs, give a convulsive kick or two, and mingle with ancient mould; and then another set of huiuan beings coiiiea along, to crawl and scratch among your ashes, with the same care- less unconcern that you delved amid the dust of those who lived, and moved, and had a being before you. And you, young bloom- ing daughters of mortality! — evanescent, epheir.eral iiuiteriiies of fortune, fashion and folly ! — let your beautiful souls flit and flutter, to-day, upon their spangled pinions, among the /lowers ol fancy, love and "un, while the nr.orning dews of deliglu still glitter upon SHORT PATENT SERMONS 167 iieir petals ; for to-morrow your sport is over. Auiurnnal winds are blowing — hoar-frosts are fallinj^ — your clmr.Tis T.re failing — an.I )-ou niu?t go llie way of all butteriies, and other flePtinir em- blems of beauty and vanity. Go it, all ye 'g'hais a.m all ye ' b'hoys,' as much as you can while you are young • lor, in the narrow circumference of youth, there isn't room to go i>, *o an;' fearful extent, and you don't stay there long encugh to a'j irr.r.ii damage to yourselves nor to posterity. Soon you are ojt— and then you jog steadily along the plain road of life, as coo^riy as an old ox, who seems somewhat seriously to moralize as he goes, in memory of the anciics and capers that he cut in the gree:i pas- tures of his calf hood. Go it, young folks, for Time's L,Oin^ it! — and so am I — with a hitch and a hobble. ]VIy hearers : this is a fleeting world, and no mistake. The bright visions of youth — how soon they are flown ! The beauti- liful bubbles of hope — how suddenly they burst ! The hot fur- nace of love — how soon it grows cold ! The blossoms of friend- ship — how fast they fade ! How swiftly the seasons fly! Hot- whiskey-punch time, shad time, pea time, cucumber time, green- corn time, and apple time, glimmer in blended confusion as we be- hold them at a glance, like so many spokes in the swift-revolving wheel of the year. Even now, while I am talking, minutes go past me like little killi-llsh through a mill-flume ; and these little minutes, my friends, are the sands in the glass of Time. Soon they will cease to run — the lights will be blown out in the hills of the firmament — the embers of life will expire upon the hearth- stone of the heart — and you will all sleep the sleep that knows no terrestrial waking. No waking! — no, not even if a heavy debtor were to put a speaking-trumpet to your ear, and bellow loud enough to stun the cherubim, that he had come with the rhino, and was ready for a settlement. What is the lot of mortality 1 — to bud to bloom, to bloom to fade, to fade to fall, and to fall to flourish again in some supermundane sphere. That's all — and it is accomplishing its destiny with a most wonderful rapidity. Look about the visible world and see how transitory — how fleeting — are ail sublunary things. The flies, the bees, the bugs, the birds, the babies, the spiders' webs, the toadstools, the fogs, the vapors, the emoke, the flowers, the grass, and all such vegetables, are "^ble- matical of the shortness and uncertainty of human life. They 168 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. lell you that you are trottin": as straij>:ht to eternity as a thirsty doo; to a rivulet, and with the iieetness of a moose across a mea dow. I \voii'(i offer an op'nion concerninij yf)nr future situation, ^>ut my thoughts become broken-winsreci in beat ng like hnU. about jiu tomb-stones and dusky charnel-houses — therefore. I shall ke.p their caged in my bosom. But I hope an 1 trust that the railroad velocity with which you speed through time will give you sufli- rlent time to carry you far enough into eternity to prevent }0ur «»ver returning to such a wicked, ilccitful, clothes-tearing and soui- woriying woild as this. So mole it be.' ON SCANDAL. Text. — There h a lust in man no charm ran tame Of loudly publishing his neighbors shame: On eagles' wings immortal scanda's fly, While virtuous actions are but b(»rn to die. Mv JIkarers: I shall preach to you a plain, comT-on-sense kind of discourse. Unlike the cabinet maker, who .so sm.toihes, pol- ishes, stains and varnishes his articles, that it is dilhcult to tell what kind of wood they ar^ composed of, I shall be so }>iain in prosody, and simple in syntax, that you can hardly help under- standing what I intend to say. To commence : that there is a wild and untameable hist forever lurking in the breast of man to publish his neighbor's shame, is as correct as a calculation for an eclipse. Why it is that we, like flics which take pains to light upon one's sores, should delight in seeking out the errors and petit sins of a brother-in-blood, is more than I can rationally explain ; but true it is, we all have an itch- ing thusward, and no moral physic nor external ajiplication can allay it. Let an individual, in the humble walks of life, who makes no pretensions to superior piety, but sustains a fair reputa- tion, do an uncommonly praise-worthy deed, and the report of it dies like an echo upon a sand hill. Then let him accidentally tread upon a little violet of modesty, or thoughlessly ]>luck a sin- gle bright blossom from the garland of virtue, and it is trumped abroad, to his everlasting disgrace. His indiscreet.ness may at first be only known to one — and he a ' friend ;' but this ' friend' SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 169 has, in common with us all, a devil within him, the same as the most mellow and fairest-looking apple has a worm at il^ core. He alone knowing of the misstep of his intimate, feels in duly bourn) to keep It secret; but at the same time is afflicted with an irresist- ible inclination to tell of it to some one. He tells it 'confiden- tially' to his nearest friend — he tells it 'confidentially' to an ac- quaintance — he to a fourth, and finally it becomes as jiuhlic as the doings of Congiess. These confidential dams can no more stop the stream of scandal, when it has once broken loose from its fountain head, than a bear trap can catch the measles. My friends: it is impossible for you to know, at the moment, how your reputations are being unravelled by Mr. Meddlesome, Mrs. Chatterbox, and Miss Tittletattle. You are not aware at first how badly your backs are bitten by these blood-suckers — gorman- dizers upon the good names of others; but when time causes the wounds they intlict to fester, you begin to feel sore indeed, and are ready to exclaim, 'Oh ! the slanderer's tooth is equally as poison- ous to one's soul as the fang of a serpent to the fle>h !' The rea- son why you glory in publishing your neighbor's shame is as plain to me as the garb of a quakeress. It is through a spirit of envy and jealousy. You know that you are all addicted to error, sin andfo!ly; and consequently you are always on the lookout to discover disgraces in others that will outweigh your own. When you tind such, you use your utmost exertions to increase the enor- mity in order th-at contrast may aid your own wickedness to escape unnoticed. But it won't answer : it is very much like j)ot circula- ting the report that the character of the kettle is covered with crock. My hearers : you have no right to tear a man's character to pieces for the sake of patching up your own tatteied trowsers of mortality; and you have no business to know what he does })ri- vately, if he does not publicly set a pernicious example. Some of you go to the theatre to hiss, and perhaps drive a good actor from the stage, because he is given to ceitain little immoralities. This shouldn't be — you should look alone at the actor and forget the man. You visit the i)lace to be entertained— perhaj)r> amused —and, if the performer 'act well his })art,' you ougnt to give him just as much applause as though he we. e })U re as crystal and chaste as new-fallen snow. So, my fi'ends; it should be with re« 170 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. gard to the parse n of your parish. If he gives you ^ood advice from the pulpit — encourages the christian in his pious career- warns sinners to repentance, and points out the dangers that Oise* tlie path of the transgressor — if he goes about doing good — com* forts the widow and the orphan in their sorrows — visits the sick, and endeavors to alleviate the sufferings and lighten the burdens of the heavy laden and weary — enters the house of adversity and calms the soul's troubled waters with a pennyworth of the oil of peace — gives hope and consolation to him who is about to set sail upon the ocean of eternity; accompanies him to the dock of death ; shakes hands, and sees him safely off, with ardent wishes for his eternal welfare. I say, my friends, if your parson does all these things, it is none of your business if he takes an occa- sional glass of brandy and water behind his own door. If Betty, the servant maid, should happen to discover it, and, with the aid of scandal mongers, circulate it through the parish — you make a fuss about it, and discharge him from the ministry. Now what is the consequence 1 Why, the poor man, not conscious of a single fault, but pierced to the heart with the arrows of public opinion, takes to the bottle to drown his grief — not remorse, for he has done nothing to be ashamed of — and feels his way in a fog to the tomb as fast as he can — and you are the murderers of this unfor- tunate man ! Truly, all his virtuous actions were born but to die for the want of that protection and nourishment which a foolish and niggardly community was never known to afford. My hearers : you are too apt to annihilate a good and virtuous reputation, merely because you fancy you can discover a small stain upon it, which, after all, generally amounts to no more than a fly-speck upon a clean table-cloth. This is wrong — decidedly wrong ; and I hope that, by reflecting upon the subject, you will become convinced of the fact, and for the future behave better, grctw wiser, and become happier. So mote it be ! NOBILITY OF BIRTH. Text. — Fairest piece of well-formed earth. Urge not thus your haughty birth. My" Hearers: If there be any one among you who thinks 'ha- ll* is made of better stuflf than another, let him come forward and SHORT PATENT SERMONS^ 171 be examined. You, young man yonder, by your nigh beanng and haup'hiy air, seem to lay claims to superiority in some way. It is true you are good looking; you have bright eyes, a fair skin, an a" ''"•*f,3 crop of whiskers, and a fine figure, with garments to fit. ^*on cic all that could be wished, as far as shape and symmetry arc concerned. In fact, you look as though your clothes were made first, after the most approved fashion, and yourself poured int.-j ^hein, in a state of liquefaction, after the manner of making cai.erfection. at iast. Now, my friends, I don't say it is so, but did it never skem to you that you were dragged by Destiny into certain mud-boles- of misfortune 1 — that all your plans, aiiifs and ends — let them be rough-hewn with the broad-axe of hope as they may — are directed, shaped and perfected, after all, by that same old meddler — brazen- faced, iron-fisted Fate. No doubt it has often !»c'emed thus to '"ou; and there is no doubt, either, that if some of you fail, or niaK^- a flummux of getting to heaven, after trying as hard for it as a toad to get up a sand bank — you will lay it all to your cuss'd ever LASTING LUCK ! My friends : whether it is destiny that we are bitten by a bed lug, stung by a gnat, poisoned by slander, or shipwrecked at sea, is more than I am, at present, prepared to decide ; but some folks are, apparently, more lucky than others. Now, when a man once gets upon the ebb tide of fortune, it certainly ajjpears as though hell, heaven, and all the elements — natural, social, peace ful and warring — had conspired against him. The more he exerts himself, the farther off is he, as it would seem, from the shore. He climbs the ladder of ambition ; and, just as he is within one round of reaching the top, the bottom slips, and down he goes! Poor fellow ! nobody deigns to help him, because he really needs assist- ance. Were it anybody else, he would have met with better luck. He can't go in a crowd but he gets his corns gratuitously ground, — if he goes a-fishing with a couple of comrades, he averages about fifty no-bites to their hundred haul-'em-ins ; and, should he venture to throw dice for his soul's salvation, he would cast but two aces and a deuce at the best. The stars that, in their courses, fought against Cisero, are bound to fight against him to the last So it goes — such is the luck of life; and yet this, as my friend M-. Brass says, 'this is the world which turns round on its owD 176 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. avf s--nas lunar monthly influences and influxes — revolves r(Aind tiie heavenly bodies, and comes warious games of that 'ere kind o' sort !' My hearers : trot along, from j'our cradles to your graves, as gently as you may, you are liable to meet with accidents. If yoa come in contact with an inoffensive mile-stone, a luckless lamp- post, or a dormant dirt-cart, I leave it for you to decide whether it be destin}^ or the result of your own carelessness. To make it satisfactory, as far as pos-^ible, I will consider it about half-and- half. As my bootmaker observes, sickness and sore toes are the natural concomitants of humanity; and Destiny must bear th- blame, I suppose, for every ill imposed upon ourselves by reck- lessness, folly and crime. Vet there are what may be cal1f;(i yo:r unlucky sort. They never can get into a streak of good forl-anej however great their exertions. The world turns the wrcig way with them — the wind is always in a contrary quar^'^r — the weathei answers for everybody but them — the whole mach' ■cv of nature is out of kelter, and all concocted creation is .o ;V«enr. as ro m-'- 1 mush and miik to a marble statue. Then, &gain, v^^ ^-jr- tiv lucky kind. They draw prizes in a lottery, 'an^ 'o. ha.'f ;rv' — if they go out without an umbrella, they happen to gei nom- ust PS the first drop of a shower touches the-: hee'.s upon tne i *sh- old — lightning runs down the chimney, me'/s t'.ie buttons o^ th«^ir coats, and kills a cat in the corner ; but the^' are safe Hc.p« promises them a pie, and she brings them a ba^ h. Let come uha* will come, and they are none the worse ofT— in all probability better. I once knew one of these luckies t: be blown up into si pear-tree by the permature blast of a rock. What do you think ! — the chap never came down till he had fiHel his fruit baskK j and then he said he was thankful for the boost : Now, my dear friends — I won't pretend to say that ' luck is everything,' although there is a good dee! i*. ii But allow m-.- tc tell you one thing. It is this: if you 1 ve sober, virtuous, moral iives — are ambitious, active, perseve'i g — act uprightly — are economical, but not parsimonious — you w'.l ]>e lucky throug'i this life, and I think (but I won't be certain) i. t..^ lie to come : ba% if you are determined to be lazy, dishonest, imni .ra; and prcd.g?'., ^•ou will have ' the devil's own luck ' so long ae- you are perii.it' ifid to pollute God's green pavilion. So mote it be ! SHORT PATENT SERMOKS. 177 SELF-LOVE. Tfxt. — Whate'er the pnss.'on. knowledg'^, fame, or j elf, No one will ciiaiige h s neighbor wiih himself. Mv Hearers: Self-love is ihe true salt of contentment; it keeDS a man always sati.'-fieJ with himself, if he isn't with his circum- stances. And self-love is instinctive: it peivaJes every bosom, and imprignates every heart. Every man wanta^ to be himself, aaJ ♦ nc! ody e S:!.' He g'oriously exuts in the exclamation of my friend An rew Jack^on Allen, Esq., 'I am myself — alone!' and, If he thought there was a possibility of his waking up some odd morning, and finding himself another individual, he wouldn't trust h s person to the care of old father Somnus for a single night ; but sleep by i ches, to avoid ihe detested tran^mogrificaiion. We do not piefer ouselves, peisonally and individually, lut give pieference lo the gei.der to which we happen to belong. J never saw a wo- man in my life, hut if I asked ihe question, woull say that she would lather be a woman than a man; and 1 know that all who wiai b i rds an I bree.h s, are content ; hat heaven has made them as they are, in regard to sex. So nature has wisely oidained that there shall be lo grumbling on this pcdnt. In fact every one is so eniiip urel widi his individual identity, that it would require an immense sight of loot to induce h-m to swap soul and body w th his neighbor — unless he knew he were to be hung on the morrow ; then, probably, he would be glad to exchange being sviili a lisnppointed politician or a ring-tailed monkey. My friends : ibe learned is happy in exploring the fields of na- ture an 1 knowledge — in pondering over the pictures upon the [la^es of history — in gathering wild flowers, that still bloom amid li'.e rums of the Past — in analyzing every blossom that blows in the garden of the Present — and in sprinkling with the pot of hope the young plants that llourish in the paradise of the Future. The fool is haup^ because he doesn't know enough to be miserable. \VhlI<; ot\e s are care-eaten, melancholy, and living in constant fear of da ger, death and the devil, he finds pleasure in tickling tea Is with a straw, that hop in the dusk of evening, at the very door of the tomb. While thousands are engaged in the bloody occupation of war — shooting ofT heads, legs and arms, and open- •ng a passage-way with the bayonet to the citadels of each other's ^-^'ils-'he captures flies, and lets them go again upon the parol* 12 LiH SHORT PATENT SERMONS. of honor, minus perchance a wing, or with the loss of a super* iuous leg. What cares he about the ' honor of the nation,' or ior the name and fame of the old ' hosses ' that are to drag the g-overmental car to glory ? — Not a hooter. Let kingdoms come down with a crash — let empires fall, and shake the whole world vvith their thunders — and let republics tumble into the dust, bury ing deep in anarchial rubbish the ruins of the Temple of Liberty — he cares no more for the matter than an oyster-cellar for an earthquake. It is all the same to him, so long as old Time isn't mortally wounded — the earth safe and sound — the sun shines— the grass grows, and, he lives cheerily. Thus, you see, my friends, that the fool is happy ; and you, too, are happy that you are not the fool. My hearers: the rich man is happy but not so happy as he might be, if he didn't take so much trouble to make himself un- comfortable. The happiness that he drinks from the cup oi wealth, is a mixture of vinegar and molasses; and the vinegar is 80 predominant, that it could not be other than an unpalateable mess to him who has long been accustomed to the sweets sucked from the ' uses of adversity.' But, whether the man with the ' mopuses ' be happy or not, one thing is certain : hn would'nt change himself with one in lower circumstances for a moig.age on an acre of heaven, and a supply of sublunary bliss sufficient to fit up a dozen guardian angels to attend him through his tenestriai pilgrimage. Not he. The poor man confides him to the protection of an all-wise Providence, and feels as safe as a wejag in his win- ter's burrow. iHe hasn't much to lose, and a world to hope for. ?le£t with health — perchance a handtome wife, and an interesting "lot of liltle dependencies — he goes to his daily task with a merry heart; the toil being lightened by laboring for those whom he loves. None of the cursed cares of state find their way into his humble home — no thouf^aiii's of dollars are momenta-' v in danger of heing lost in the uncertain sea of speculation — no srectres ol writs, duns, and protests disturb his midnight slumbers ; and, be- ing at the bottom of the wheel of fortune, it makes no odJs to him which way it turns, so long as it is bound to bring him up. He has but little, but that little is as full of sweets as a ho- ney-comb. He lives in the sunlight of contentment — happy in •libli] ing at the peaked end of nothing; and happier still in t'ae SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 1^ hope of overtaking that ' two dollars a day and roast beei,' ao long proiTiised by political preachers. My dear friends : where mankind are free from bodily pain, J rion't see as there is much difference in the average amount of their happiness. The old she-dragon Sin has deposited just about so much spawn in every human heart ; and it will hatch out just about so much misery to every individual. A blind beggar danres while a millionaire is mourning over the corpse of a defunct jol- lar bill : a cripple sings while ?, king is crying: the drunken sot is a hero, pro tem., and covers himself with glory, drawn from a e;in bottle, while the military commander is painfully and tediously extracting it from the blood of his fellow creatures; the lunatic is 'monarch of all he surveys,' without the trouble of looking af- ter it ; while care, anxiety and fear shake the soul of an emperor, as a dog would a woodchuck. Your humble servant, and poor preacher, is perfectly well satisfied with himself. He wouldn't swap his carnal and mental arrangements for those of the greatest or the smallest man now living; nor for all the Moseses and Sol- omons that ever trod 'tother side of Anno Domini — and I have no doubt, my friends, that you set equally as high a value upon your individual .selves; at least, I hope so. If we are all satisfied with ourselves. Heaven will be satisfied with us all. So mote it be 1 THE PRECIOUSNESS OF PRAISil Text. — How very precious praise Is to young Genius, like sunlight on flowers, Ripening them into fruit Mr Hearers : Genius, when somewhat matured, and not properly encouraged, is very apt to be still and allow itself to be trodden upon, like a lame duck m the dark, rather than attempt to get out of the way ; but not unfrequently it assays to rise when it can't — flaps its wings, gives a kick, and jumps about as high as a ham- strung grasshoj)per; then comes down ker-whop, bruises itself not a little — tries again with no better success ; and gives it up ouly when its wings are cropped by the shears of Death. There is a great difference, my friends, between real geniuses and would- be geniuses. The real genius exhibits his inclination and capa- 180 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. .'•ili'ies while he is young — sometimes ere he is out of his petti- '.o-at? . bi I the \vt)ul(l-be genius makes his abortive attempts at any ind evt-ry season of life He has no important original ideas of his ov/n, but makes use of others, which he spoils by meddling v/th. lie has an everlasting itching for imitation ; and there is ao doubt but he oftentimes imagines that he is the real inventor of man) things which he has contrived to counterfeit. So strong an opinion has he of him.self and his powers, that if you were to put a pair of feather breeches upon him and set him to hatching eggs, he would be almost willing to swear that he was the legiti- mate father of every chicken that crept from under. Pure genius is furnished with pinions, swift and strong, with wiiich it soars aloft with the eagle, commanding the admiration of the world, and gathering its food from summits wholly inaccessible to the com mon herd. False genius endeavors to fly with artificial wings. It will not stoop to pick up the many seeds of sustenance that lie scattered along the ordinary paths of life ; but is forever looking; up to fruit that hangs high, and starves to death in its unsuccess- ful efforts to reach it. My friends: young Genius, if properly encouraged, will pro- bably work wonders in time. To encourage genius in juveniles IS praising it; for praise is as necessary to it, as my text says, as sunlight to a flower, that ripens it into fruit. Parent, if your son exhibits a genius for drawing, by scratching houses, horses and geese with a nail upon your mahogany table, don't box his ears, and send him to a tap house to learn the art and mystery of draw- ing beer and cider, but put a slate and pencil in his hand, and plas- ter on the praise thickly. Praise is even cheaper than putty — it costs nothing. Some children have a genius for one thing and some for another ; but, as for me, I had a genius for everything in general and nothing in particular — except it was for eating ginger- bread. I don"t know, however, but I did manifest some little ge- nius for preaching; for I recollect I used to get upon the top of a hill that overlooked a corn-field, and preach damnation to the crows. I was wont to preach to the black sinners something af- tui this manner, and loud enough for half of creation to hear : '*.'. you rascally crows! you are a wicked and perverse genera Urn, ^hat seeketh after corn ; but no corn shall be given here, save fL ^'iicci of pepper corns from brother Jim's gun. Therefore, take SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 181 warning, ye vile transgessors, and flee from the wrath to come !' And they made themselves distant almost immediately. Would that my sermons could have such a powerful and salutary effect at present. But no — the more I tell my hearers that they are trespassing on forbidden grounds, and i\ c more that I admonish them of the danger that awaits them, the more determinedly they seem to push forward in their headlong, unholy and careless ca- reers If I advise young people not to get married, their minds are made up for matrimony at once ; and if I tell them to marry, they had ' rather think about it awhile.' Tell them to go right, and they are sure to go wrong ; and if I bid them follow their noses, they are sure to put their faces behind them, and follow their heels. I don't know but I shall have to manage them as farmers do hogs — try to drive them down hill if they want them to go up. No, I shall do no such thing. I shall continue, as heretofore, to preach up honesty, humility, sobriety, industry, fru- gality, love, virtue and wisdom. This is the kind of fodder with which I shall feed my sheep ; and, if they don't like it, they can leave it, and browse among thorns and thistles. My hearers : Genius generally requires fostering and encoura- ging when it is young, to enable it to assume a bold and lofty flight in after years; although there are many instances where it has gained strength of position in its determination to rise in the most discouraging storms. The severe tempests of ridicule killed a young Keats, in whose sensitive soul and tender system dwelt the beautiful genius of poetry. But they brought out the genius of a Byron, from its low brush and underwood, to soar above all storms and tempests, in an eternal sunshine of glory. And it was the oppressor's foot that scared up the bird of American Genius from its lowly haunts, to find shelter in the towering Tree of Lib- erty. Generally speaking, praise to young genius is just as ne- ces«.ary as manure to a garden ; but to the older sort it isn't of so much consequence. The latter may sometimes stand in need of necessary encouragement, but never of flattery. Most of you seem to have a genius for makmg money, and taking every pos- siole advantage of your fellow mortals around you; but this kind of genius isn't calculated to carry you safely to heaven. No, if you depend upon any such strength as this to support you ii. your hopes of eternal happiness, you will be sadly disappointed. While 382 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. upon the win^ of ardent anticipatiorij you will, sooner or larsi fall as sudden]}' to the ground as a wounded woodcock, and bt. come an easy prey to that great hunter of men — the devil. I\Iy friends : if j'ou haven't natural genius enough to avoid fall- ing into the hands of the great arch enemy of mankind, listen to me hereafter, and i v»ill point out the various ways and means of escape. If l don't show you a plain, straight, smooth, safe and weil-paved path to heaven, you may use my best beaver for a spit box, and convert my pulpit into a p'g-pen. So mote it be! A GENERAL DISCOURSE. Text. — But, how the subject theme may gang Let time and chance determine; Perhaps it may turn out a sang, Perhaps turn out a sermon. Yjs: Men of Gotham ! What a pretty looking nest of varmints ye are, taken in a heap, altogether! You toil not, neither do your daughters spin ! You get your feed from the surrounding farmers, and make yourselves busy only in snatching meat from each oth- ers" mouths. Instead of getting your bread by the sweat of the brow, you buy it of the baker, and he buys the stuff to make it with of somebody else — though I acknowledge breaJ can't always be got by the sweat of the brow; foi I have known a lazy loafei to sit down in the sun and sweat for half an hour, and find no bread coming after all. You don't produce anything more than BO many toads, but merely fix contrivances, like spiders, whereby to make a living. Yes, you play the parts of spiders and fiies to each other. In the streets, ard on the corners where insects are the mo?t numerous, I see old grey spiders have woven their webs to catch innocents, whom they politely term 'patrons;' and it is enough to make a codfish smiie to see with what urbanity they invite every gad-fiy, gnat and blue-bottle to 'walk into then par- lors.' O, you Gothamites ! you secondary formation of humanity ! ■ — everything is bought and sold with you — even the water you Jrink. There is a high duty upon the fashionable waters of Di- vine Grace ; and you have to pay, at least, a penny apiece for a nibble at the Bread of Life. To go to church in any kind of tol- SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 183 jTnble style costs a heap a-year ; and I know very well that the reason why a majority of you go to Beelzebub is, because you can't atford to go to heaven at the present exhorbilant prices. Principles are put up at auction — opinions find a mock sale — virtue is sacriliced at the shrine of Mammon — the pawnbroker purchases the emblems of the last remnants of respectability at one quarter their value — and the lawyer, politician, doctor and divine are de- vouring your substances, while, like the famed cats of Kilkenny, you eat each other up, hide, hair, whiskers and all. Ye Women of Gotham : you are physically no better than remi- nine country flesh, made of bull-beef and boiled cabbage ; but you think you are. You make a greater display of satins, silks and laces, but as for real, ideal and intrinsic beauty, you can't come to tea with most of the she sex who sleep between a pig pen and an apple orchard. You have nothing to do, and two or three servants to assist you. You sit in your parlors all day, fading like flowers In autumn, and sacrificing health, true enjoyment, beautv and every blessed gift, for fashion's sake. All the information you daily de- sire is to know how goes on the fashionable world, and whether the devil, the prime leader of the ton, has sought out any new in- vention, whereby to widen the wide breach and strengthen the strong barrier between the respectable upper ten thousand and the contemptible lower five million. When your husbands come home in the evening, your great concern is to inquire how much money they have ' picked up' during the day 1 — what success they hav^e had in swindling? — how many they have been enabled to cheat, and to what purpose 1 — and what are the morrow's prospects of a good grab among an hundred and fifty thousand grabbers ? And then, whether a cent has been made, or a hundred dollars lost, you must still go on adding to your extravagant follies and fineries — blowing up your bladders of vanity and pride — till suddenly they burst, and then all the 'respectability,' all the 'quality' vanishes into t'.in air forever; and you take your places so far in tJie rear of society as to be scarce worthy of a nod from a scraggle-headed son of a Nobody. You women of Gotham are the cause of more listress and ruina ion than all the locusts, famines ynd rotten bank- ing institutions that ever afflicted the land If you could only be content to go to Nicodemus solitary and alone, 1 wouldn't grumbl*! iX all — on the cont>-ary, I would sing out, like a Tu k from a mxu- 1B4 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. aret, or a boy from under a hay-stack, La us Deo! — But no, yon mn«!t take us men by ihe hair, and drag us after you. Well, leJ God's and woman's will be done! Ye Dandies of Gotham : 1 have seen fnols and fops in more than forty different cities, but none to co.npare \vith you. 1 have seen them so s'ckeningly soft and silly as to entirely stop the growth of thriving little villages; but you are as much softer than ihey as the side of a pudding bag is softer than the belly of a din- ner pot. A fly's foot would make impres^^ion upon your j)ates as visible as a mouse-track in a meal chest. I am afraid to let you feel the full force of my sermonizing indignation, lest it leave you like the spilt contents of a bowl of much and milk — too shallow to be scraped up with a spoon, and nothing to be got at with a fork. Oh, you oily-haired, greasy whiskered, debilitated appari- tions of Nature's unhandiwork ! — you require to be handled with as much care as a talloAV candle in August. You melt before the smile of a maiden like a lump of butter before a glowing grate ol anth:acite ; and then we have superlative distress made still softer. With a few fashionable phrases in your noddles — a face most bai barously brutalized — a ridiculously genteel apparel, and a most audacious assurance — you tip and teeter about, thinking th.at you entrap the admiration of everybody and everything — that of the ladies in particular. But the worst of it is, you are mistaken — • the medium of it is, you don't know any better — and the best of it is, there is no danger of your making fools of yourselves wher- ever you go. I have done with you. Ye Belles of Gotham : I shall not be so severe with you as the in*jr")rtance of the subject demands: but you are an expensive ar- ticle, and you know it. What your real value is, never has, and perhaps never will be, fully determined — it depends on circum- stances. You are as deceitful creatures as ever wore feathers. Vou aie not what you seem to be by a long odds ; and I am not Mire but nine out of ten of the Biddies who personally patronize the town pump, are worth more for domestic purposes, and to -ontribute to the happiness of a husband, than the best of you. However. I will let you pass. Ye Inhabitants of Gothim : you are a wicked and perverse ge- ner.ition, going about one among another, seeking whom ye may devour — newspaper critics stoning the prophets and killing ihero SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 185 —and every one disresardiig the righteous motto of Mire ana let live.' Behold ! the time may come when your house will be left unto you desolate. It surely will come, unless you mend you: ways, and act more according to the principles of piety, charily and good will. So mote it be I DURATION OF TIME. Text. -Ages and ages yet away must pass, Ere Time aside shall cast his scythe and glass. My Hearers: Asa river is constantly emptying itself into the gea, and s.ill continues to run as it is wont, so the stream of Time is continually losing itself in the great ocean of Eternity, and yet flows on for ever: that is, it always has moved with the same re- gularity ever since the beginning of the Creation, and will continue on uninterrupted for ages yet to come — till the dissolution or the earth and the whole universe — which period is so far distant thai even the strong and swift wings of Imagination become weary in endeavoring to reach it. The Earth is but an infant yet in the cradle of Time ; and when we consider how long since it was a mere foetus in the womb of Chaos, we cannot but be brougnt to the conclusion that millions of years must still roll away ere it can be said to have arrived at the age of maturity. Man's me- mory can give him no information relative to the beginning oi the world, and neither can his foresight tell him of the end thereof. All surmises, predictions, and foolish speculations that arise trom the mystified and mysterious prophecies of old, are as nonsensical as they are useless; and they are as useless, in determining ihe destruction of the universe, as psalm books in a deaf ami dumb asylum. As for any mortal ever being able to unroll the niap of the future before the eyes of his fellow mortals, he might a< sot»n think of dragging eternity with a sha( net for the pearls of • -le- parted worth ' My friends : it causes my heart to swim in the very suils vi sympathy to see how many of my brother and sister beings art being carried away by what is termed the 'Miller Delusion,' — a peculiar and destructive doctrine — the principal tenet of which is. iliat the human race has become an evil excrescence, a jori up: k86 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. earno?ity upon the bosom of the earth ; and that the earth t»iJII. some time this year, shake itself, as a lion when he shaketn t):€ dew from his mane, spilling the ungodly into the lap of destruc- tion, and casting the righteous (what few there are) upward into Ihe heavens above — there to remain till a new earth is manufac- .'ured ; and then they are to come down unharmed and uninjured, fo abide with the Saviour, and the sons and daughters of lioliness, for ever and ever. I pity Brother Miller, from the botiom of my soul ; and have any quantity of commiseration in store for hif deluded followers. Poor man, he is mad ! but there is a mysteri fious method in his madness, that operates most powerfully on the credulity of many. I conversed wn'th him once, and discovered ihat almost every word he uttered was accompanied with a ner- vous tremor — an involuntary shaking of the head — which plainly indicated that his mental machinery was not altogether in what 'S called apple-pie order, and that no more faith should be placed upon his predictions, than upon those of the small jobbernowls who have prophecied before him. My hearers : the material world as yet is none the worse fo wear ; and I see no reason why you should be under any fearfu' apprehensions of its speedy dissolution. Young ladies, who are now busy in preparing for themselves ascension robes and panta- loons to wear under them, ought to turn their attention to subjects equally important and far more necessary, a knowledge of which cannot fail to prove useful in afier years. Those of the masculine gender who are troubled with anything like a weakness in the ujtper story, should turn a deaf ear to whatever may be said in eupport of this mischievous doctrine, and never allow their minds to dwell upon the subject for a single moment, lest a foolish fear cause what little philosophy and judgment they possess to quit the premises, and leave them exposed to the scorn, contempt and ridicule of the world. ]My dear friends : this terrestrial orb of ours, which, as yet, ex hibits no symptoms of disease or decline, will continue to roll on its axes when we aJl shall be mouldering in our sepulchres, ana the monuments erected to our memories shall have fallen and be- come buried in the dust of oblivion. Earth is constantly under- going a miraculous change, but it is subject to no decay. The ose that faded yesterday we can never behold -again ; and still the SHOUT PATENT SEP3ICNS. IST «am2 family of flcwers that now bloom around the graves of our kindred, will blossom at the tombs of millions yet unborn. The feet of future generations will tread upon the dust of our bodies, and the great-grand-children of our children's children will pluck posies from the very bosoms of their ancestors. Nature produces as fast as she destroys; and so long as this conservative principle is observed and well carried out, you need be under no apprehen- eion, my friends, of the world's making a burst of it. The scyth". of Old Time is just as keen and no keener now than it was when he mowed down a cock sparrow in the Garden of Eden, by way of experiment ; and the sands in his glass have never been clog- ged for a single moment — nor won't be, till the earth grows hoary, the sun loses its lustre with age, and the bald-pated moon furnishes itself with a wig. My hearers : when you see wonders in the heavens that have never been witnessed before — when the bowels of the earth inces- santly rumble, like an empty stomach before dinner — wlien you discover a single screw loose in the grand machinery of Nature— when thunder comes before lightning — when young ducks exhibit an instinctive antipathy to water — when young men cease to run after the girls, and the girls won't marry — and when the Orange county butter can be made from the milk in the cocoa-nut — then, and not till then, believe that the end of all things is at hand So mote it be ! MORTALS NOT CONTENT WITH ENOUGH. Text. — Now IMrs. Eve was foolish, very, Not to be well content and merry With peach, plum, melon, grape and cherry, When apples were forbidden. My Hearers: Women are never satisfied with what they har« any more than men. They are no sooner gratified in one wish than another pops into their pretty hearts to teaze and torment. The more they get the more they must have. A new gown bege-.i a desire for a new bonnet ; and these together form the foundation for a host of expensive fixings and foolish flipperjigs. When Ibey once get f^arted, an attempt to stop them is like holding a cat 18S SHORT PATENT SERiMONS. by the tail — we are soon glad to let go for the squalling TheiT morbid appetite is a cont^titutional disease, inherited from the 'mother of all living,' who ate herself out of home, happiness and Eden, into a gloomy wilderness of wo, want, wretchedners and wild cats. What a pity it was that Mrs. Eve couldn't have been satisfied with the pure and legitimate pleasures of Paradise, without trespassing upon the little that was fordidden ! She had everything necessary to make her happy — including a husband, and no trousers to mend. All that a mortal in her situation could reasonably desire was hers to enjoy. Nature supplied all her ne- cessary wants, and furnished extras in superabundance. She had nothing to do but to gather flowers, twine wreaths, weave gar- lands, and form love-knots to please her good and noble spouse. She had no house to keep in order, for the blue-roofed sky was her only and sufficient shelter, whence neither rain, hail, sleet nor snow descended ; nor were the winds of heaven allowed to handle her delicate person roughly. Having no meals to prepare, Adam couldn't find fault with her cooking, nor scold about dinner not being ready in season. No beds to make in the morning — no dishes to wash — no room to sweep — and no stockings to darn — how could she, my friends, be otherwise than happy ^ For her a perpetual spring reigned in Eden, breathing its balmy odors throughout the whole domain : for her the rose blossomed thorn less — merry birds sang their melodious madrigals in every grove, and Nature seemed to take particular pains to have everything as it should be — ' done up brown,' as they say in the Bowery. Sor row was then unborn, Care hadn't come into the world, and Trou- ble never entered the gates of Paradise. Velvet-footed Time, treading upon mossy banks and beds of violets, trotted by with a noiseless step — the gol(len-winged minutes flitted past like butter- flies in June — and the laughing hours went dancing along as mer- rily as a lot of bright-eyed lasses ' just let loo.se from school.' Yet for all these. Discontent dwelt in the garden, growing daily fat ai;d saucy by silly indulgence. My friends : to please the palate of Mrs. Eve, there grew spon- lanecusly, in Eden, peaches, pears, plums, melons, grapes, figs, cheines, and all kinds of delicious berries. Of these she partook freely, and without fear of their doing damage to either her phy* lical stomach or moral maw. Ir their midst stood the tree of SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 189 knowledge, and from its beiviing boughs nung the forbidden apples in enticing abundance. She looked upon them, and saw they were fair to behold, but never thought of tasting them till she accident ally saw written upon the trunk of the tree, CF'Sfll^O— (l**?.,^ — which, being interpreted, meaneth touch not, taste not! At that moment, my friends, she began to grow uneasy, and hanker after the apples. They looked more mellow and luscious than ever, and have a bite at them she must, let the consequences be what they might. So she got the Devil to give her a boost into the tree; and up she went, like a 'possum after persimmons. HLving eaten her fill, she selected a half a dozen of the biggest and best, and trudged off to Adam, with a request that he woiild also eat, and pass his opinion upon the pippins. Whereupon he pronounced them good — first rate — and immediately made way with the lot. Soon they botii began to grow ill — feel bad all over. They felt as if they had been doing what they ought not to have done. They saw that they were naked, and were, for the first time, ashamed of it. Whether it was the man or the woman that first made the discovery, I have no means of ascertaining, my frienda. "As a beginning of their punishment, they were obliged to go to •work. So they turned tailors, and sewed fig leaves together to make themselves aprons. These answered very well to cover their legs, but they could not hide their moral guilt from the all- seeing Eye. Eden soon lost all its loveliness. The flowers faded ; the birds ceased to sing ; the skies lowered, and gloom encom- passed the unhappy pair. They wandered arm in arm to and fro, in search of peace, but found in its stead a flaming sword, fast driving them forever from Paradise and happiness into a world of toil, trouble, anxiety, sin and sorrow, for them to people with a wicked and sickly progeny — and they have done it. My friends : isirt it a dreadful pity that our long dead and la mentea progenitress should have damned all mankind for a paltry apple 1 What evils she has entailed upon us by her foolishness' Instead of enjoying a heaven upon earth, as might otherwise have been the case, here we are, struggling about in the miastof dea'h, disease, crime, wickedness of all kinds, pain, discontent, old barn- elors and other evils, vice, grief, melancholy, old mams, and such like miseries. Here we are, <\orthless drtgs of mortality — taP Jast runnings of the keg of holiness, and growing more I'Aey ever^ 190 SHORT PATENT SER> ONS. day. Here we are, made up of the fag ends, clippings and refusfc of such moral stuff as used to be put into people in days of yore. Here we are, sucking happiness through a g' ose-quill and misery throu2;h an eaves-spout — poking over a barrel of cnaff for a cou- ple grains of wheat — fishing half a day with a wet jacket and a hungry belly for a mess of trout, and coming home with a solitary cat-tish — working like a windmill for the public good, and then whistling for reward — seeking glory, and finding it at the door of the tomb. Oh, how I mourn the fall of our first parents! When they fell, what a fall was there, my brethren ! It was like an an gel falling out of heaven into a horse pond. It is true there are a fpw particles of pleasure to be nicked up in our terrestrial wan- derings ; but ..ley are of little consequence. Sorrow sometimes lies down to sleep amid the ticwers of joy: but she is soon awa- kened by the jarring footstejjs cf AlHiction. Cares, perj)iexities and disappointments will come, i^. spite of physic or preaching; and the less notice we take of them the better we are oil". Alto- gether, the world is in a sad pickle; but I hope and trust that the time will eventually come when it will wear off a good portion of its accumulated rust, and exhibit something of its original bright- ness and purity. So mute it be ! LIFE NEXT TO NOTHING. Text. — O Life ! than Nothins's younger brother; So like that one m'ght take one for the other! ♦ ♦*«•♦■«•♦*♦ Without blest Liberty, Life were a burden. M-"- Hearers : Call life what we may, it is so near akin to No- thing, that, as my text says, one might be easily taken for the other. It is no more rtiated to Something than a cauiei to King Richar'l tr.e Third; and the false glories reflected from a rainbow aie a? solid as iron when compared toil. It is a mysterious magnetic operation, that is continually carried on between mind and matte) — and as for trying to comprehend it, one might as well think of producing butter by churning chalk and water. How we came by it is more than we can tell. We know just about as much concerning the .natter, and how we happenec^ to be washed upon SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 191 the shore Jf b^ing, ready male, as do the -hoptoads that a:e rain- ed aown in a shower. It is thrust upon us, unasked for, ani taken from us hefore our pernsission le ng fist obta'ned. We fan get rid of it as soon as we like, but cannot enjoy it as long as we plea.-e. It is an ice-built isthmus between twc eternities, which, after a time, dissolves and disappears ; and then one endless ocean embraces all. Not all the gold of Apollo's Pythian trea sures can purchase it, nor bribe it to remain for a single hour. When the vital spiiit has once burst from its prison of clay, it is off like a fugitive from justice — and there is no more turn- about to it than there is to a train of cars on a railroad. My friends : when we come to seriously consider upon life, we find it all a cheat; or, more vulgarly speaking, a tecided suck-in. It deludes us from hour to hour — employs that sycophant, Hope, to flatter our expectations with promises as false as they are fair, and as brittle as they are bright. It tells us that happiness is hoarded up in the treasury of to-morrow — that golden heaps of joy are wrapped in the thick folds of the future — and that one year to come is worth more than a dozen of those already devoured by Time. So we loan out all our cash of present comfort for the flimsy paper of Hope, which is always made payable at some in definite period hereafter ; and ere we could get it redeemed, the bank had either suspended, or it bui-st up forever. Hope tells us that as lovely flowers might be found on the mountain of man- hood as in the velvet meadow of youth — that the lowly vale of age is as blooming as either — and that the latter end of life's jour- ney is as pleasant as the beginning; but we shall find, when we arrive there, that it's all a lie, as the Indian Chief (who is now at brother Barnum's museum) said when he scalped the man with a wig on. My hearers : as the play-writer says, life is but a walking shadow that vanishes at the setting of mortality's sun : a poor player, that struts his hour upon a stage, and then is heard no more ; a tale told by an idiot, as full of sound and fury as a tin whistle and signifying as little. The life of man is the same in principle as that of a dog or a monkey, and is no more precious to him than theirs to them. Beasts have instinct, and they find enjoyment unmarred by care ; but man, proud of being rational, ooasts of the little knowledge he possesses, and . is miserable 192 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. Life is g'ven to the brute creation, and they know how to iiRe it, but man co;nnnences abusing it ahnost as soon as he receives it. Let him have his own way — give him a chance to gratify every desire — let him pick nis own path to heaven — and he will be sure lO find himself eventually loating about the borders of dam- nation, minus happiness, comfort, and cash and perchance hif pantaloons pretty well patched to pieces. Birds feed on birds and beasts on each other prey out of dire necessity — for hunger bids them do it ; but man wantonly undoes his brother man, when he knows he can do himse!f no good by it : even as boys throw stones at frogs — for fun. Oh, my friends ! it is a grand thing to understand the moral chemistry of life : to know how to analyze every ingredient, so that its wholesome pleasures may be separa- ted from its poisons ; an i its sweets extracted from its bitters ; but you weak and inconsiderate insects r-' a summers day! like foolish flies, you dive headlong into the molasses of gross and sensual indulgence ; and then, when you attempt to rise into a purer atmosphere, you find your feet clogged, and the wings of j'our sprits too enfeebled to raise even a respectable flutter. So you keep pad lling, as nigh the surface as possible, till eventually you give a mighty struggle — a desperate kick — and then sink to rise no more. Then, at the moment when death comes, and not till then, you make up your minds that you have just learned how to live. My dear friends : everything possessed of life and being must have LIBERTY, else there is little or no enjoyment. The body must not be shut up in the thick walls of a prison, nor confined to any particular locality. Man cannot bear the idea cf being a slave to any but his own passions. He would use his strongest eflorts to burst the fetters that bind him, even though he were to rush into the cold arms of Death. He must be free — free as the wild birds that sport in summer bowsers, and sing in their own green groves — ay, free as the winds, that disdain to be at rest, but wander abroad to the earth's remotest bounds. The vale of tyr- anny is dark and dreary — filled with offensive vapors mm arise from the putrid pools of oppression ; but the fair fields of freedom are redolent with the sweet fragrance of flowers. The warm light cf libeity causes the seeds of a young nation's greatness to ger- minate, and produce a tree whose branches shall bend with ita SHORT PATENT SERiMONS. 193 ijiple.'J of ^old : and the poor laborer can scarcely fail to r<.ij> the rich rewards of his industry from republican soil. Li'e s .ib- erty. and ! bert) is life. Even the soul '.viil not Lf, ci^ruv-nt .'ith mer^y looking ihrougli the dim wiiu.'ows [hat let a trw r..vs of 1 ghi i t.) lis leiiebr (US cell, but leaves its pent-up i)r;>o:: :o re'- -;l amiJ th-e star-blos^tI l:\ «; umber, and reason nods upon her throne, our thougMj scal £Wriy fiorn home — go on a rpree — get intoxicated and ciazy — and bick i:p crnsiderable of a dust in the queendom of Fancy 'i'hey uiitl have l.berty while the system has life — and it is J!i»i •>;• 1 1 - iir.ult to cCiiline ihem as it would be for Brother Gossin'^ Iw u i-Jf.a to hold a .-treak of West India lightning by the tail. Preseive your liberties, my hearers, by vigilance and patriotism and pro'.ony; your life by prudence and lemperance : and then when you are called tc leave this world of toil, you will have the un- speakable joy ol knowing liiat you have made the moKl of the iiti'it that life aflurds. So mote it be ! s:gn3 of spriiio. Text. — Cy certain signs al-cut ihelanc', 1 know that Spri:;g is .:'.los2 at hasd. My Hkarbrs: Nat Oi-.], do we fcei, by particularly mild, soft, soothing, serr.i-.'.Lei:y and half soul-animating influences, that gentle, balmy Si/iing is advancing upon us, but 'A'c are persuaded of the faci. by ccr.ain signs manifested around us. What are these signs, ask ye ? Tney ere iiunierously numerous. Nature — awaking from her long winter's sleep — rubs her eyc;s, and seems l*arfully a.stonished to tind herself in so nude a sta-.t, lest she be i.ndicled. with the model artists, for indecency. She appears not to Know exactly what to do : whether to shut her eyes again, and ulay chloroformed, or prepare a drapery which ruthle.ss Jack Frost might tear into tatters eve it be half made up. All this shows conclusively that Winter is in a 'transition state'— not in the etate of Massachusetts, fcr that is a primitive state, but in a state like Jersey— a very l;^CI:E^A^l^ state. However, when we see eo la (94 £HORT PATENT SERMOKS. much shirting and shifting going on in nature, we can easily sui« niise that a change of outer gaiments is about to take place. Now, my friends, allow me to speak of other signs. I yester* day saw some green blades of grass leaning up to the sunny sida of a brick wall, rejoicing in hope, and taking it easy ; as much as to say, ' Happy are we, from care we are free ; we are not to ;:e the victims of misplaced confidence, any how yo4i can fix it !' 1 noticed, too, that pet flov/ers in parlor windows ail pu^ t.ieii lieaid towards the panes; and they seemed to look out. vv:n tnoir pink, blue and yellow eyes, as anxiously for the approacn of Spring as ever did s'-. eel^eart for lover. Horses' coats, men's hats, and Na- ture's shin:r.y, all indicate that an unusual change of wardrobe is upon the eve of commencement. Pedestrians unbutton their overcoats, and throw faera back upo.i their shoulders, as though they would carry, rather than Mtar tLm. ; ^nr a: or you see them buttoned up to their chirks, and iheir tfiian.s streaking it ahead, as if they were going to a C?.Ivii:.istic ch'.rch to hear hall preached for the comfort of the thing. My friends: that Spring is at hand we all know, without any of the aforementioned harbingers. We know it, not only because the almanac tells us so, but because we know that each season comes round in its turn, just as regular as the milkman, the col- lector of taxes, rent-day, or Sunday. There is nothing irregujp.r in nature; because it is round, as I told you last Sabbekdv; it rolls evenly round, and is bound to come regularly round. ;t is not like men generally, the women more generally, and tnc La- glioh verbs particularly, ' regular, irregular, and defective •' r ^, nature is straightforward nature, and it isn't anything eli " . - ■ *-'ui to Heaven, brothers and sisters, that you were half a?* -i^ii: r a your courses! My dear friends : since Winter is retiring, or has alrer.QV rctr'-.i, to his hibernal, antarctic hall, ' ain't you glad V U you .-*-► rt, you must be made of old junk, or something about as 5:^TlJli)••'e. iShow me the man who does not del ght in the departuie o. *^ •.i- ter, and I will exhibit to you one who, as Sheepspear eayz, :« lit for treacle, straddlebugs and spooks.' But, when you tei Argo and the Dog cutting their sticks from the north, -"nd Ich:!:] the March Ram butting down the barriers of the yar, to let milder ajid sunnier days steal in upon us. now can it oe othervrise tUauc SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 195 that you should feel as though your hearts were reao;y to put forth new sprouts of joy and gladness! Oh ! if you have souls susceptible of the beauty of bean-porridge hot, or of the glories attendant upon a mild morning in Muy, you can't help experienc- ing the revivifying, the reanimating, the rejuvenating influences of the vernal season. Why, my friends. Spring can start fresh and vigorous plants from the ostensibly barren soil of an over-tilled mind — twine a flowery wreath of hope round the pale brow of Despair— give strength, new life and activity to the pinions of frost-bitten Fancy, and make an old man feel as if the hour-hand to the clock of existence had been set back one quarter, at least, of its little circle. In fact, Spring can do almost anthing in the way of favoring poor humanity, except dyeing grey hairs in the whiskers of an old bachelor, taking out the superfluous curls and mortifying wrinkles of an elderly maiden, transmogrifyi'ng decre- pid Age into buoyant Youth, and mending our old shoes. My hearers: while you behold sweet Spring waving her magic wand, and awakening dull earth into life, pristine beauty and love- liness, you cannot but hope that you will vegetate for another year — that new flowers will start up along the pathway of life and that all your prospects will be crowned with success, even as the blossoms of promise put forth by May are fulfilled by the golden fruits of Autumn. And you also behold a general resur- rection of bugs and vegetation around you, you may go to your mortal beds at last, in full confidence that, after having taken a short nap in the cold wintry grave, you will start up and flourish pgain, like pig-weeds in an unmolested garden. So mote it be ! ON SPIRITS. Text. — Spirits, that live throughout, Vital in every part, not us frail man, In entrails, head or heart, liver or reins, Cannot, but by annihilating, die. Mr Hearers: Do you believe in spirits'? I do. If we cannot behold them with our natural natural eyes, they reveal themselves ♦o us through the channel of every other one of our senses. We hear them, feel them, smell them, and taste them. We hearihem, either howling, sighing or singing in the wind- -'•oaring, moaning 196 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. or laughing in the living waters — humming, buzzing or whisper. ioj^ among the moving multitudes of earth. We feel them finger- inf>- our heart-strings ; at times producing most soothing, delight- ful melody, and again awaking the wildest and most tenor-slriking notes that ever marred the unwritten music of the human soul. We ^mell the perfume shaken from their odoriferous wings, even as we scent the fragrance of flowers from afar, without b-holJing the lovely objects themselves — ay, even as the hound kr.ovveth by his nostrils that a fox is in the neighborhood. Yes, and we smell spirits, too, when we put our noses to a bottle of Jamaica. We taste tham in the same manner ) for tasting is but smelling, and smelling tasting. Spirits, my friends, are an independent set of beings, going whi- ther they will, doing whatever they like, and caring for no one. Taeir home is the unbounded universe; and consequently they glory in an immunity from the laws enacted in this or any other rolling sphere ; for any being has a perfect right to do as he pleases in his own house. Having no debts to pay — not even the debt of nature — they hide behind no bushes for fear of a creditor, but boldly flap their wings in the face of that unrelenting proprieto; ot all flesh. Death himself. No bodies have they to feed, clothe, or suffer incarceration for crime, how can they, you m.ay ask, be otherwise than happy as the insects that dance in the golden sun- shine 1 But it is not so. Spirits are often melancholy — utterly miseiable — pierced with anguish; and the groans that they som.e- times pour into the unwilling ear of meditation are enough to make a laughing philosopher moody for life. What a mournful ado is kicked up by those naturally jovial, sylvan spirits of the forest, when the Storm King, in his wrath, drives them helter-skelter from their favorite haunts, and sends them howling through the view- less air in search of that undiscoverable spot where ' the weary are at rest, and the wicked cease from troubling !' And how, too, the ocean-spirits below whistle, shriek and roar, when the rampant wind5> are let loose, and the whole of heaven's heavy artillery la brought to bear upon the bosom of the mighty deep! Wh}, Sjiirits are as much, and as often, troubled in spirit as we mud made mortals are in both spirit and flesh ; and when there is any thing the matter with *hem, they are determined that man shaL Know it. or heaven darken and hell grow brighter. SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 197 My friends : as I have said before, the home of spirits /s every ivhere, even at the bottom of the ocean. Fishing once of! Ascen- sion Island, I hauled up ^vith my hook a mnrine Beelzebub, or what the natives termed a sea devil ; and I forthwith came to iho conclusion that the creature was nothing more nor less than one of those fish-embodied spirits which one Glendower of old falsely asserted he could call from the vasty deep. My surmises wers fully sustained, from the fact that I had no sooner got him to the surface of the water than he vanished 'like the baseless fabric of a vision,' leaving only me, a poor disappointed wretch, behind. The truth is, spirits can never be coaxed nor compelled to obey the summons of any human mortal ; you must fish for them, and may not catch them then. My hearers: there are myriads of spirits that inhabit thia breathing world, assuming all shapes, sizes and sexes, to enume- rate a thousandth part of which would take me from the coming fourth of July to for ever. There is the spirit of the age, with big boots, long legs, and going it with a most straddling stride — the sprit of the press, armed with the bludgeon of freedom, and at the same time scattering the seeds of intelligence abroad — the spi- rit of reform, trouncing moral error with a bundle of roses and thistles — the spirit of democracy, with a dirty shirt and a slump of a cigar, ready and rough for almost any emergency — the spirit of seventy-six, pale, emaciated and fast declining to the tomb. Yes, and there, too, brethren, is the spirit of love, the most beau- tiful of the whole tribe of spirits, twining rosy wreaths with which to bind all mankind in one universal bond cf brotherhood. I hope she may succeed. 1 hope, also, that the time is not far dis- tant when only one spirit shall prevail over all others upon earth, and that known by no other name than the spirit of right. So mote it be ! ON RECONCILIATION. Text. — It is a work of charity, God knows, The reconcilement of two mortal foes. 5lY Hearers : There are a thousand and one ways in this wcrla of bestowing charity. 11 you have no money to give to the poor 198 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. »nd need)'', let ihem see that they are welcome to a slice of yoar friendship ; and God will butter it for them with his blessing. A I:ind word or deed is as good to thern as a piece of gold. While if serves as a salve to lheir sorrows, it is, at the same time, meat, J. ink and lodg ng to their souls. It also greases the elbows of e\eriion, and causes a half-despairing biother to give an extra dig lor the maintenance of that p tiful pauper, the body It is a work of charity, too, not to give, in any M-ay, shape or manner; but to catch a wilfully-blind mortal, that is about to run into the fire, by the coat-tail, and jerk him aside, as you would a dog intent upon putting his foot in a steel-trap for the bait. Moreover, it is a cha- rity to yourselves to forego luxuries that you stand in no more need of than a sheep v/ants champagne and oysters, and which not only corrupt your carcases, but cause .scales to grow upon your dispositions half as big as pewter platters. My friends: the great work of charity, after all, is to persuade two mortal foes, who are pulling each other's hair, to let go, and shake hands. Oh ! how such manual vibrations, under such cir- cumstances, cause the heart-strings of him who efTects .so glorious a purpose to quiver with delight ! He feels as though he were reconciling Satan himself to the holy precept of the Bible. Well, he does certainly do a good — a great thing — who per- suades a couple of belligerent humans to eat bread nnd milk out of the same dish without hitting one another over the head with the spoon. He accomplishes more than was ever dreampt of in all Fourisrite philosophy. Only think, brethren, two men, inodolled, built and finished after the image of GoJ — whose hearts should afiord downy ne^ts for love and gentleness, and whose lips should j)roclaim peace and good-will to all — only think, I say, of two such beautiful beings pitching into each other right and left, and giving each a blackened eye, as a receipt for a besooted cha- racter ! What a melancholy pair of spectacles ! They will die, some timfi or another, however, and go to a place where they will see stuck up in large letters, 'No Fighting Allowed Here' — to which 1 would direct the attention of all nations, as well as indi- viduals, who are engaged in furious and bloody strifes, and request them to hurry up and get satisfaction as soon as possible; for, let ihem recollect that, although a war may be carried into Africa, tliere is no such thing as finishing it off in heaven. SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 199 My worthy hearers : in the catalogue of worldly loss we find social foes, political foes, religious foes, and mortal foes. Your social enemy is the very worst, on some accounts : he firec at yo' from the bushes ; and, when he comes out, he so counterfeits the guise of a fjiend that you don't know who from neuter gendei But, at the same time, and to make accounts square, somebod) else is receiving a shot in the rear from you. Envy, sheer envy, is the cause of all the trouble. You want your neighbor's swiil, and he wants yours ; and yet you won't swap, ' JMine and yours too' is your motto, and you seem determined to have them or tight, and die if must be. It were a work of charity, indeed, if heaven, or some hog constable, would interfere in this business. Political ioes are such very small potatoes, that they will hardly pay foi skinning; yet behold how (through their respective journals) they endeavor to flay one another ! — or, rather, how they thrust and stab, each with his own weapon — a GoosE-quill ! A monstrous shedding of ink, and nobody hurt — not even a character damaged ! The ^reat work of charity, in such cases, would- be to put some half dozen of conflicting heads together under a pump spout, and work away at the handle, till each acknowledged himself wrons, the Lther right, and the country safe. In religious foes, there is a vast deal of venom and malignant spite. So rancorous is their mutual hatred, that I verily believe if the one krew that the other had got into heaven before him, he would smell his coat-tail scorching with blue blazes a long while ere he budged an inch towa.-ds the whereabouts of his contemptible predecessor. To st- tempt a reconcilement of them, were just as futile as would be the endeavor to mix fire and water together, or make a woman give in during the first ten minutes of a domestic dispute. It is a reckless waste of charity to bestow it in behalf of two opposing bigots. They are both set as firmly as an iron la-nnp post, and you might as well preach to the one as to the other. Religious fanatics are bound to have one eye shut, and you couldn't pry ii open with the crowbar of reason, even though you were to use the Bible and a brickbat for a fulcrum. Nevertheless, brethren, we ought not to flag in our exertions towards the reconcilement of the whole human family. I knew this is a world of selfishness ; and therefore there must be feuds, strifes, turmoils, and conflicts \ but I believe that if we spent less £00 SHO'lT PATENT SERMONS. money than ^ve do for charitable purposes, and resorted to othei means for the ameloralion of mankind in gencial, there would not be quite so much of pulling of hair, kicking of shins, bleed- ing of noses, and black-balling of character as at present exists. I believe it, by Josh. So mote it be ! THE SWEETS OF GRATITUDE. Text. — Sweet is the breath of vernal thowers, The bee's collected treasure's sweet ; Sweet music's melting fall, but sweeter yet The still small voice of gratitude. Mr Hearers : In every orchard there are sweet apples as well as sour; and worms indiscriminately eat at the cores of each. Life has it sweets, its bitters, and its acids. Its sweets are generally so .sweet as to be sickening after a short indulgence; its bitters are tco strong to be taken separately ; and its ac ds are too sour to be reii.shed — for instance the marriage state, when wills and wont's find shalls and shan'ts, are thicker in the domestic decalogue than ANDs in the Old Testament. When the bitter, sweet, and sour of existence are proportionably mixed togelher, and well shaken up by industry, they form a pleasant beverage for the soul, healthy, invigorating, and cheerirg. Joy, sorrow, pleasure, pain, hope, doubt, happiness and tro^-ble are all mingled in the cup of life ; and vrell it is so — for wh.Vi enjoyment, my friends, do you sup})ose a person would find in chewi:ii^ a m.ouihful of tea and drinking a quantity of hot water ari:eivv5,rds ? The world to some appenrs to be a big sweet orange, at vviuch they sit and suck, apparently as happy, and twice as sleepy, as a pig at the teat. To others, it is an addled e2:g — a rotten potato — a bad oyster — anything that is rank and offensive. To me it is a good enough sort of affair, and toierably well got up, .ill things considered — answer? very well. it is a little rough round the edges, and has rather a tough rin 1 : but, rfter one has once gnawned his way into the best of its soci- ety, he finds pretty good pickings, I can assure you. Vet eVcMi here there is a very deal of vice brooding under the gob.'en wings of wealth. Here, as well as elsewhere, are immorality, infidelity, ^eachery, dishonesty and rascality. Here, too, are gormandizers SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 201 upon good names — robbers of reputations. Yes, I verily 1 elieve there are some to be found here who would, if they coul 1 ge: chance, go eaves-dropping about the door of heaven for the .«al:e of slandering the saints; but with such I want to have nothing to do — not even to try to better their mal-formed characters. No. 1 would as soon thi.ik of planting sweet potatoes upon the rock of Gibraltar as attempt engrafting virtue and honesty ufon a natj rally depraved heart. My hearers : there are many sweet sights, sounds and sensa- tions in the »v;,.jd. Sweet, says my text, is the breath of vernal showers. Delightfully true. What pleasant odors arise from the earth wnen gently fails the mild Aj.ril rain ! — how fragrant the young btuls and ju^'enile flowers, just starting into life and rejoic- ing in a renewed existence ! How animating the smell of new- ness and freshness of the outer world ! Fresh sprouts of joy and gladness spring up in our bosoms; and hearts, that seem to have dro])ped their petals and gone to seed, re-bloom like an old apple- tree an hundred years old. Honey is sweet, so is molasses. Sweet, sweet is the syrup of love ! but, my friends, it is by far the sweetest when taken by sips, so small as never to satisfy. When headlongishly dived into, like a duck into a dough-dish, a body soon gets his fill, and often turns away from the feast in disgust. Proffered kisses are sweet, but stolen ones are SAveeter. Those kisses that are gathered from the bush of beauty are not always *.he sweetest. No, it is the rich, mellow and juicy kiss of affection that gives out the saccharine to the soul's delight, even though it be taken fro.m the fungous lips of an Ethiopian wench. A singb smack upon the labiel protuberances of the girl that one truly J.nd devotedly loves, though she be plain in feature, is sweeter far than would be a bushel of busses favored by the Queen of Beauty, Sweet, too, is the melting fall of music — 1)ut not such music as nightly comes down upon us ' like a thousand of bricks' from the balconies of museums, nor such as we some- times hear at the opera. There may be some who find sweetness in such musical agony; and also perhaps in the trumpets of fire- rj en, the bowlings of dogs and v.-aulings of cats. Such persons should recollect that King IMidas of old was furnished w.'th a pair of ass's ears for preferring the singing of Marsyas, the satyr, to die divine s.iains of Apollo, and beware lest their own auricles 202 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. maKe a stir, further elongation. Music to be sweet ; should be gentle, soft, melodious, divine — such as one might imagine is put forth by the golden harps of the seraphim, breathing a balm upon the heart, and awakening fond memories of by-gone days. Even such delightful music as this becomes a bore when prolonged after i^ body once gets his musical maw well filled with it. It is then no longer music, for it has devoured itself — swallowed its own ethereal form and substance, and nothing but an unwelcome odor is left behind. My dear friends : of all that is sweet in the world, or pertaining to humanity, gratitude is by far the sweetest. It is the rich per- fume that flowers emit when moistened by generous dews and welcome showers, or even when trodden upon by the foot of care- lessness. So ought you all to pour out your gratitude for kicks as well as kindnesses. It is a 'sweet-smelling savor to the Lord,' and he that furnishes most of the article receives in return the greatest share of heavenly favors. Uncork your phials of grati- tude, ye poor, pitiful and dependent beings, for the blessings as well as ills that daily fall around you, and let their fragrance as- cend to the sole Provider of all. If you have but little that you can call your own upon earth, be thankful for it, and hope and hoe for more. Be as grateful for an onion as you would be for an egg, and you could't help feeling happy if you were to try all you knew to make yourselves miserable. Show your thankful- ness for whatever you receive, whether it be flogging by the hand of Amiction or a kiss by the blooming damsel. Health, Old Time in his travels has often trodden upon my corns in a mos" careless manner; but 1 have always been obliged to him for it — consider- ing how much better they felt when they had done aching. Gra- titude emits such a sweet moral scent as makes man delighted witl the company of his kind. He loves to breathe the social atmos phere made redolent with its perfume; and whih he luxuriates in the joys of the v.-orld below, he ever and anon looks up to a Det- tei and bigger one above. So mote it be ! 'Know Thyself, — This is one of my friend Pope's injunctions I thought of it the moment I saw my portrait in 'The Town' yesterday ; and then I thought how difiicult it is for a man {9 know himseV —sometimes. Who am I '^ i> jb. SHORT PATENT Si:RMONS. 203 lUCCESS UNCERTAIN — PROSPEROUS FAME. Text. — Success, the mark no mortal wit. Or surest hand, can always hit. For all affections wait on prosperous fame : Not he that climbs, but he that falls, meets shame. Mr Hir-ARERS : To begin, alloAv me to drink success to you ai!, from thiS tumbler of pure Croton. It is my hearty desire that you may succeed in the majority of your undertakings ; that is, if you don't undertake to steal a sheep, pick a pocket, put tar on my good name, or do something equally as uncommendable. But you need not tickle yourselves with the hope that you can always acconf plish what you put your hand to ; for that doesn't lie in the par, taloons of mortality. The greatest, best and mightiest must miss it sometimes — 1 do myself ; and so INIichael, the archangel, fell short of his calculations when he and all his volunteer crew undertook to take heaven by conquest. He didn't succeed. My worthy friends : success is indeed the mark that no mortal can always hit. It is the bull's eye upon a target ; you put a do- zen shots round it — some near and some farther off— where you plum.p one within its circumference. You often think you are as sure of it as the green youth is of the ' little joker' beneath the cups of the thimble rig — and so you are, just about as sure. It is w^ell enough to be flattered and encouraged with the promises of success put forth by that lovely, but fickle damsel, Hope ; but O, brethren ! I warn you not to make too sure of succe&c, for ycu may get disappointed ; and recollect that disappointment carries a sting in its tail as well as a bumble bee. Yes, when you fall short of the object for which you jump, you go meeching off like a cat that has missed her mouse. You feel sore about the heart — your gizzard grumbles — your spirits sink below zero — you look as crabbed as an apple-orchard among hemKcks, and sour enough to pickle saJmon at a single glance ] and all because you were too sanguine in your expectations. I will tell you, brethren, of a few truths. Never attempt to be- come a lavoritc with the ladies unless you are tolerably good look- ing — have a face made of brass, and a heart of beeswax- -are pos- sessed 01 half a bushel of small talk — have a bowl of mush an.' milk upon your shoulders, instead of a head — and are just the fool not to know when you make an extra ^ool or yourself; if 204 SHORT PATENT SERMONS you do, you won't succeed. Never run to catch a falling star in your hat, noriittempt to re-seat a k ng upon his ihrcne, whom his subjects have tumbled to the bot;om ; it were useless. Never o;ive a boy a shilling to hold your shadow while you c'imb a tree to look into the middle of next week ; it is money thrown away. Never grease the wheels of time, thinking thereby to journey more comfortably through life : you will get disappoiiitt J. Nevei become a lawyer, unless you can lie like Satan, forward and bacK, right and left, and round the corners; and can trans-quilify a su- perlative wrong into a positive right in the shake of a judge's wig : you'll not succeed. Never turn politician, unless you are willing to immolate your reputation for honesty, and stand readv to sacrifice, at a moment's warning, any and every dear principle for the sake of office. Never start a newspaper with no other capital to back it than one solitary idea, and that backed by no- thing but egotism and vanity : it will starve to death, as sure as fate. Never think to draw a great crowd by preaching, nowaday, unless you hold forth in a magnificent church, or deliver odd dis- courses, or preach, as it were, by forty-horse steam power, or pos- sess the faculty of opening the hearts of sinners to conviction, as though you did it with a beetle and wedge : you stand no chance of succeeding. Finally, never imagine you can get to heaven in a balloon : nothing gassy can ever reach there. Brethren : now lend nie one or both of your ears, while T inform you about the best way to succeed, where success is as probable as one fair day in a week. You can't obtain it any the quicker by taking a run-and-jump for it; nor by flying around, like dry leaves on a whirlwind. No, you must creep along quietly, softly, patiently. Persevere, but take it easy up the hill — don't worry yourselves out of breath and good humor ; if your foot slips, grab at a twng, and hold on till you recover: have faith like a grain of calomel ; at every sunset see that you have gained a little, no matter how little, and you are sure to reach the summit after a while. To see some uneasy, impatient mortals striving for suc- cess, puts me in mind of little toads vainly endeavoring to hop up a steep sand-bank ; — they give a desperate jump or two, and turn- ole backward to the bottom. My hearers: according to the first of the last limb of my text, all our aflections arc ever ready to wait on prosperous fame ; and SHORT PATENT SERMONS 205 <.tiat's truth, too Those who go to war anJ come oil victnious either by luck o goo i gent /alship — no matter which — are extolled to the .stars ; bjt those whom Mars wills to be beaten, and conse- quently get beaten, are entitled to noth'ng but scorn, ridicule and contrmpt. This ought not to be so, espec-ally where all has been done that spunk, courage, pluck and bravery could iionestly de- mand : though it is considered a high honor to be slain in battle, upon either side. For my part, however, I aspire to nothing ol the kind ; but would much rather be excused from having it con- ferred. I can't see why my friend Hudibras k not perfectly right vvnen he says. If he that is in battle slain, Be in the bed of honor lain. Sure he that's beaten may be said To lie in honors truckle-bed. But the world won't have it so. He that is beaten, instead of be- ing allowed to lie in the trundle-bed of honor, is pitched into a rrud-hole of disgrace, there to remain and rot in oblivion. And feo it is with climbing. He that reaches the top of the tree is praised, but he that falls meets shame and abuse — just as though the fall alone was not enough for the poor unfortunate devil. This is a queer world, my friends ; it has queer ways — it is stock- ed with a queer people, who are filled with queer notions — and ii is a query to me whether it would half pay expenses to get up another one like it. So mote it be ! TERMS, COMPARATIVELY USED. T.^XT. — What is smooth, and what is rough, Of what is tender, what is tough — Of what for all is good enough. My Hi:arers : Perhaps you expect me to tell you, in the tirsl •jldcs, wiial tilings are smooth. There is nothing perfectly smooth m this world, except the tongue of the flatterer — that is as sleeK art article as Nature ever attempted to produce. There ire thou- oci'vls of things, however, appaienlly smooth, but in realty rough >3the barK of a hickory tree, or that of a big bulldog. But, ne- ii.:'>P0RTE. as they say in Choctaw, which, being translated, means n^ifcr mind— ]pt us look at the things that are considered smooth £06 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. We have smooth, fiowing rivers — smooth, glassy lakes — smooth oads — smooth people — smooth speeches-smooth shaves — smooth Btories — smooth faces — and smooth characters. Nov/, under the surfaces, and .nside the exteriors of all these, there may be found as many asperities as there are bones in a moss-bunker. Stiii they tre comparatively smooth ; but I advise y lu, my friends, to be ».areful how you venture upon, handle, touc, or approach them. Your boat may be upset while crossing the gentlest and smoothest of rivers ; the calmest of lakes may become turbulent when roused into a passion by the angry storm, and you be pitched out of your frail bark into eternity, in a moment ; you may be thrown, from your fast trotting sulkies boots over cap-leather, upon the smooth- est of roads, and not save your bacon, even though you struck upon the rock of salvation ; you may get most unrighteously pricked by coming in contact witi-, smooth people, and find your- selves awfully hatcheled by smooth speeches. If you want any- thing really smooth, come unto me, and I will give you such a private dose of pure moral castor oil, as will so purify and polish your natures that you won't need any more physic till long after the last doctor has gone to look after his put-away patients. My friends : the chiefest of the rough things of the world is the world itself — the next is a bear — the nex*, a bore — and the next, a rough customer of any sort. It has been said that ours is a smooth and slippery world ; instead of which, it is my firm Dpdnion that it approaches more to the rough and stumbling. How many old stubs, stumps, snags and firmly-fastened stones do we come across in the path of rectitude ! — and do we not meet with the same obstructions if we pursue any other course 1 Wherever we go, brethren, we find it all rough ; and we must lift our calf- skins and cowhides high and carefully — and have one eye aner.-., while the other keeps working to the right and left — or we may stub our toes, bruise our shins, tumble down, and spil) the ccntents of our pockets, to be scraped up by somebody beside? • j^selvr,? That a bear is rough, you may judge pretty well by tl.- felhw s looks ; were you to have a hug-and-tussle with him, Pil l.v-" adoi- lar to a doughnut that you would soon become convinced of t"i>e fact. We have a host of human bears that pretend to be civili?^(' and tame; but, like their wild quadrupedal brethren of the woci/, they are not to be trusted, treat them any way you will ; ihei SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 207 bruinish disrositlon manifests itself under all circiiTnstances. Me- thinks I see a bear before me now. A bore, my friends, (I am not gpeaking of those pertaining to guns, such as smooth bores and screw bores, nor of the porcine species, but of certain bipeds) — a boie is as rough as a chestnut burr, because his presence pricka you with pins and needles, which you are oftentimes compelled to endure till endurance is no longer endurable; and, then, when af- ter a helgh-ho-hum, and a gentle hint, he doesn't feel inclined to move, 3^ou don't kick him out of doors — Oh, no, that would be uncivil, ungentlemanly, and wholly in disaccordance with the sp'- rit of Christianity, which teaches us that ' Whatsoever ye would' — you know the rest. No, you don't resort to any harsh mea* sure, but you siy unto him, ' My good friend, did you ever hear related a scory concern! ig a bore 1 It v;ill take only two hours and a hal* to tell it, and I beg the loan of your patience for the ■wh'le.' If he doesn't make a start then, place no longer depend- ence upon the virtue of stratagem, but give him to understand, PLAINLY, that his company is no longer desirable. My hearers: allow me now to speak of what is tender, and what is tough. The women are all tender and delicate ; and, if any of you, my tough male brethren, lay a hand upon them ' ex cept in the way of kindness,' you incur my everlasting displea sure. Handle them gently, as you would a fiosver — press them, squeeze them, kiss them, fondly, as much as you please; because they like all that, whether they say so or not. I say unto you, my rough and tough brethren, let all such things be done de- licately, ' decently, and in order.' As for what is good enough for all, I will tell you in aD"ther discourse. So mote it be ! ON SMILES. Text. — A smile that glowed Celestial rosy red, love's proper hue. My I-^jgaf.ers : If we cast our eyes, as far as we c?in throw th^m. ovci thii natural world, we shall find it almost constantly wreathed with smiles. It is true clouds may occasionally overshadow ita Drew, or some other part of its countenance ; or even storms aad 208 SHORI PATENT SERMONS. tpmpests may rage — as they sometimes do in th" iiature of the iTi'lJ<2. T Jest not at a preachers' language or condition ; How knowest thou but thy sins made him miscarry "* Then turn thy faults and his into confession. God sent him, whatsoe'er he be. My Hearers : You must never throw the paper pellets of ridicula at your preacher, under any circumstances. However uncouth his appearance, and coarse his apparel, you must recollect that God sent him, with a clean shirt at least (the preacher) and pure mo- tives, to proclaim the truth and do the work assigned him, without regard to exterior elegance. ' Don't be afther making fun of the bird,' said a newly-imported Hibernian to a lad whom he discov- ered annoying a land terrapin with a bull-rush — 'how do ye know but he has blessed hne feathers under his overcoat V And so with your ministei : he may wear a rough and hard-looking shell, and yet, like the turtle or lobster, have something good inside notwith- standing. Now, for instance, over yonder sits my friend Greeley, a political preacher; and here, in this old pulpit, stands your hum- ble servant, a dispenser of moral truths, holy obligations, and mild castigations. Now, neither of us can boast much in the way of personal appearance. I wear my trovvsers tucked into my boot-legs : he wears his neither tucked into nor under his boots, but about half way up from heel to strap. That venerable white coat of his has been trying from time immemorial to reconcile it- self to its slavish condition, and still tries, with most profound pa- tience and perseverance ; but my old brown outer garment seems to have given wholly up in despair of ever being released from its present bondage. Well, let God be praised — any how ! — even though TAILORS do curse and men deride. I couldn't j reach a bit better if I were clothed in the finest of broadcloth, silks and sa- tins, nor could my associate respecter of old clo's do any more for ihe political salvation of the country, were he to strap down Lj» p ints and wear a corset-board. SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 211 My friends; don't you laagh at your preacher's laiguage, un* .CSS lie intends it to provoke your merriment — for, let me tell you p:eachlnj^ is no laughing; matter : you wouldn't think it was if you l.ad sweat over it for seven long years, as I have done. Now, if I lalk to you in a manner as plain as a path along a canal, I ask if it isn't more becoming than to send you my thoughts in a ridi- cnlou? dandified dress, glittering with paste and tinsel, and un- adorned by a single valuable gem of sentiment ^ I am not going '•1 spoil the appearance of heaven by foolishly attempting to gar- nish it with artificial flowers, nor to blacken hell till it shines like a new polished boot. Not I. No, I am just as plain-spoken, and perhaps sometimes as quaint, as many of those Wesleyan preacn- ers, of whom Brother Robert A. West has given such interesting, and, I have no doubt faithful, sketches, in a book lately published for the Methodist Episcopal Church, 200 Mulberry street. Why, brethren, if you can't relish plain gospel, without its being dress- ed with the salad oil and mustard of rhetoric, you are altogether too dainty to sii at my table. Go till you get hungry, and then I will feed you, with such fodder as I have : or, till you are ill, and then I will administer unto you. You wonldn't reject a physician because he came to your beside in a common garb 1 If you did, you would deserve to be let alone, jammed in between tirre and eternity — grunting and sweating, like a pig under a picket fence. My dear friends : in speaking of your preacher's condition, hovf do you know, as inquireth my text, but your sins made him mis- carry? Great, indeed, are the sacrifices that ministers are com- pelled to make for the sins of the peojile. One half of them, o-.ving to the miserly niggardliness of their congregations, are obliged to lead the way to New- Jerusalem bare-footed, bare-head- ed, almost out at the elbows, and momentarily in deadly fear of exposing the latter ends of their undermost garments. If a pio- neer through the world's thorny and thickety wildnerness to the gates of an eternal Paradise, should be allowed to get footsore and have his trowsers torn without proper reward, I should like to know what should be the recompense of those who are entrusted \vi! ti the duty of leading us to the devil ? Ought not they to suf- fer for the want of a dickey, at least 1 My friends: hypocrites are to be found wherever we tread- - they are as plenty as hop-toads after a shower. They have fals» 212 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. keys, wherewith they hop** to make a bui^Iarious entrance into heaven ; but they are bound to l)e disapjiointed. Tliey will be. caught, tried and condemned before the highest of supreme courlF, and their doom will be eternal damnation. There are thousdnds of others, too, guilty of false pretences, in words, looks, drees, actions and manners. To them shall be meled out the panishmeni they have so assiduously earned ; but Mercy will take those to her bosom who are derided for speaking the plain truth, with an honest purpose, without regard to boots, breeches, language, cf manner of delivery. So mote it be ! ON POVERTY. Text. — But poverty with most, who whisper forth Their long complaints, is self-infiicted woe; The '"fleet of la/iness or sottish waste. My FjiiTKFUL Heakers : As regular as Sunday comes round, you find me always on hand, like a quantity of stale codfish ; and it affords me a vast deal of pleasure to perceive that none of you are ever found among the missing; though, I must say that I can be- liold a few, without the aid of spectacles, who are rather too much in the habit of taking every possible advantage of the old proverb, ' better late than never.' Those would confer a particuhir favor upon me, and on the audienne generally, if at such times they would take the precaution to wear j)umps ; for the clanking of brazen-heeled boots does not well accord with the solemnities cf the occasion — besides, they very much disturb the slumbers of those who may be comfortably snoozing at the time. However, I don't beli'eve it is my fault ; for, if people sleep under my preach- ing, I very much doubt whether one, or even two blasts oi the last trump will be able to arouse them at the day of final settle- ment. I don't like to brag, but I humbly believe that I can make AS much noise, and drive as much common sense and morality into a mass of human nature as the comn.on run of loud preachers, and grandiloquent moral lecturers; because I feel the importance of my office, and am composed of so much combustible mateiial. When my ebenezer is once raised tc a certain pitch, 1 will turn my back to no man of my length, breadth, width, depth and num» ber of hairs, in a regular battle with sin, error, superstition and 'oliy. Suffice it to say, that I always toe the mark, and nevej SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 213 flinch, unless attacked in the rear. Now let mg to my text Poverty, it says, is in most cases self-inflicted 'Aoe. My fiiends, there is little doubt but Cowper is more than half right here. In order to stem the torrent of this world, you have all got to keep paddling — keep putting in the elbow grease; for, if you rest on your oars, you will soon find ycurselves, and your cargo of hap- piness fast floating down to the gulf of misery. Don't place toe much dependence on Providence. Heaven will never lend you a shilling till you have the disposition to earn two ; and even then your moral characters must be as sound as a log ; or the favors from such a source will be, like my visits to a rum shop, few and far between. It is said that poverty is no disgrace, but quite an inconvenience. Let me tell you, my hearers, that it is a disgrace in all cases. If a young man creates his own ruination by going it loose, and spreeing it tight, it is surely a disgrace ; and if, also, a person have the misfortune to be shipwrecked in a gale of adver- sity, and be left to sink or swim on a mere plank of honesty, sur- rounded by an ocean of troubles, he is likewise disgraced, in the distorted vision of the world, which, the Lord knows, is disgrace enough ; because it is the world that qualifies and sett, a value upon everything. A man may be entitled to honor, but he can't enjoy it unless the w^orld has a mind to bestow it on him. So you see, my friends, poverty is a disgrace, any way you can fi" it. [You needn't be jingling your coppers till the box goes round.] You all look very respectable — and I want you to retai-n your re- spectability; and the only way to maintain it is to keep a sharp lookout for the lucre — and the best method of being safe on this score is to go tho whole hog, bristles and all, in the advocacy of sound moral truths, Christianity, sobriety, integrity, and all such heart-polishing varnish — but not abolition, because white folks don't meddle with that. You must take a bee line through life — always be able to walk a crack — deal justly by all — never cheat ?.nybody, unless they'd just as lief stand it as not, as the farmer tjld his son — and, above all, be particular to apply at my shop every Sunday for some sodder, in case the moral faculties should get any wise loosened at the joints. If you only follow ihcsti airections, you will soon wind your way up the pyramid of wealth, and finally enjoy the luxury of swingirgtc and fro on the golden ^ates of terrestrial glory, where the comforts of this world are all 214 SHORT PATENT StRMONS. boiled down to a syrup, and served up in big platteis of bliss. Tl you don't abide by liie«e. why you will always be as poor an J( b's turkey as lon<2; as you live; and when you come to die, you will feel persuade 1 that you were made for nothing, but to furnibU a paper-mill with rags, and perhaps cheat the worms out of a decent meal. When I see a young man, with an extra lot of dry goods upon his back, strutting along the streets, swinging a gold-heade I cane, frequenting gambling houses, and never engaged in useful employment, I am constrained to say, Young buck, you are spend- ing your substance in riotous living — you go it too strong on the iiigh-pressure system — you will soon burst the boiler of your va /lity, and be left to drift about, a shattered wreck, upon the billows of woe. When I see a poor loafer lie soaking in the suporific suda of a porter-house, I say, Old chap, you are a gone goose already — you have passed that bourne from whence no traveller returns, and all you are fit for is to be kept there, a warning to young suckers ' My respected hearers : be wise, be careful — do the best you can, BO that you may have the satisfaction of knowing that you are rich in spirit, if somewhat minus in purse. So mole it be ! MOON-FLATTERY. Text. — He ! he ! he ! zala he ! — the moon looks down — The moon in the blue sky, he ! he ! he ! My Hearers : of all the orbs that swim in blue ether, the moon — our moon — is the most ridiculed and abused. It is looked upoii as the mere servant of mother Earth — lamp-bearer to her ladyship — ' a servant of servants ;' ay, even of servants ; for do not wait- ers, in their happy days of courtship, sometimes command it to • shine out, and light me to my love V Nature uses such a strong whip-hand over the poor menial, that it changes, takes a horn, halves and quarters itself, goes to bed, and rises at the slightest of her nods, and is expected punctually t. haul in the tides twice in every twenty-four hours, till the ocean be boiled away before the threat conflagration of the world. He ! he ! he ! — who can help laughing to see the moon assum- ing to be bigger and brighter than the thousands of stars that glis- ten above it 1 Why, my friends, its brightness is nothing but biazen-facedness; and its appareit largeness is all owing to ii* SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 21i» audacious nearness to this majestic sphere of ours, Ju«t like lit lie folks and big fools — they always crowd themseives forward, while the greater, wisei and more modest stand a little back, and shine with pure loveliness through the atmosphere of amiability that surrounds them. Dogs bark contemptuously at the moon , and it is supposed that no young lady would ever deign to look upon it, had she not been made to believe there was a man in it. Some say it is made of green cheese : but I can't imagine tha/ anything half so good as this article was ever wasted in its con- struction. — Green cheese is a gentleman to it ! It is fuller of er- rors than the first proof-sheet of a printer's apprentice. My friend Shakspere speaks about ' the very error of the moon;' thereby having reference to a particular one out of a million. By its own errors, mundane mortals are led astray, making lunatics, moonies, moon-calves, and all such cattle, of them. Being a witch of the most mischievous kind, it should be hung higher than it is. If the farmers plant not exactly at the time to suit its caprices, it stunts their crops — sows tares among their wheat — causes their potatoes to rot, and their fresh shad to stink : or, if they kill ihoir hogs without consulting it as to the season, it takes off the pot-lid, and, by some hocus pocus makes the pork shrink in boiling to the most insignificant and disgraceful of dimensions. And this is the moon, as friend Hudibras says, Whose vast command Rules all the sea, and half the land ; And over moist and crazy brains, In high spring-tides at midnight reigns. Yes, this is the little lunar satellite that is more gazed upon, raore flattered by the poets, and more talked about than the great c^ n itself! He! he! he! zala he ! It is a big humbug. My friends : the moon being considered of the feminine gend.;"-, is the cause of poets lavishing their extravagant praises upon her. Were she a man, sycophants were as scarce as green blackberries in winter. In their fulsome flattery, they call her the refulgent lamp of night — (her head looks more like a pumpkin-shell with a candle in it) — that sheds a sacred, religious glow over the clea» dzure of heaven — the queen of the silver bow, whose beamy locks are combed with gold, and around whose throne the vivid planets roll, like idolizers intoxicated in their worshipings. They vvjH how the aiaj'. unDumbeied and unnumberabie, gild ha /;;.mi- 218 sHonr patent sermons. ing circle — how she silver-washes all creation below antl around — causes a Hood of glory to bui.-t f;on all the skies, an ! break u})on some brown old barn, or d lapidate.l 1 eii-h use. while the consc'ons swains, rejoicing in the glorious sight, swell like boiled apples with love and admiraiion — and hoi 1 fast to their spatter dashes. Even the sensible and sull me iMilton couldn't help be- stowing a little flattery upon the fat-cheeked damsel. He speaks of her nsing in clouded majesty — of Ler at length unveiling with peerless light — ol he* throwing ner s Iver mantle over that A'ery ancient ni,\rger, Darkn^"s, and making him almost a white man — and how she, in her pale dominion, checked the night — made it several shades lighter, by a process similar to that of pouring milk into a pan of molasses. But, my hearers, all that the poets have said or sung, or can ever say or sing about the moon, can't make one hair of her bald head black — auburn or flaxen, silvery or golden. But I don't De- lieve anything grows upon her pate — not even furze. There is no doubt but she is as chaste as ice, just as cold, and equally as barren. Like many other women that placidly, but frigidly smile upon us, she is a perfect mystery. You may ogje her — opera-glass her— -telescope her, and, after all, it is impossible to tell what she ic m-dde of. That she has an influence on the tides, the weather, fresh pork, and 'the rest of mankind,' as Brother Bliss would say, is scarcely questionable ; but, as to her wherefore, her how and her what, don't you trouble yourselves, my brethren. Stop not to gaze nor to philosophize upon her, nor to laugh at nor flatter her but push ahead to fulfil your destinies upon earth, if you would acccir.p'lsL vour ends smoothly and satisfactorily; for I have kr.cwn. many a golden (not galvanized) opportunity to be lost by a thoughtless mortal pausing to 'look at the moon.' So iiiOtc it be! VICTORY UNCERTAIN. Text. — The race is not always to the swift. Nor the battle to the strong. My Hearers : Politics is nothing more, nor less, than a race for A purse — a game for the stakes — a battle for the spoils. In poU' SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 217 ficp, (please wrap it up in a clean rag- of remsmhrancc,) ' Oiii cciintry' always means our parly: so, whenever our party wns, 'our codn IT is safe.' If you don't go for, an 1 with, the patty you tu"n your back upon the country, and are considered as pos sess'ng no more patriotism than a Cincinnati shoat. You are St gmatized as a traitor, a turn-coat, a shirk ; and more gimlel holes are bored into your public reputation, by petty ofhce s^'^.kers, than little speckled woodpeckers ever inflicted upon the trunk ot an apple tree. But be ye independent in all things. Be just, ana fear not ; and the voice of the people — which is said to be the echo of the voice of God — will eventually be heard resounding to your praise. My friends: that the political race is not always Avon by the swift, you all ought to know, as well as I. Some are very fleet of foot, but shoit-'vjnded. They put out with amazing speed, at first, but break down in the middle of the heat; thereby lettinj^ the old slow crabs crawl in and take the purse, at their leisure. Neither is the battle necessarily to the strong. In a political con- test, skilful manoeuvring is everything. Then combine such pow' erful auxiliaries as loud fifing and drumming — banner-displaying — song-singing — rum-drinking — hallooing, shouting and yelling, like 60 iT.any demons upon a drunken spree — and the day is yours. Remember, though, that the poisoned arrows of calumny and de- *raction render efllcient service in a warfare of this kind. My hearers : I suppose you wish to know who is to be the un- happy wight that is to stand up and be pelted with stones and brick-bats from every quarter, for the next four years to come ; or, in other w^ords, who is to be your next President. So dc '. In all probability it \x\\\ be he who gets the most electoral vot'^s, unless the election be carried into the House of Reprobates — then I dcn't know but the Devil will stand as good a chance as any- body. Let me see. There are so many candidates put up for sufTrages, sacrifices and sufferings of this great, free and indepen- dent people, that they can hardly all obtain a seat in my memory. However — upon the banner of one party, methinks I have seen inscribed the names of three individuals: 'Taylor, Filmore, and Victory !' Tne third-named gentleman is a rhinoceros, and a rouser ! He can't be beaten. Another party goes for 21^ SHORT PATENT SERMONS. *Cass, Butler, and Spoils I' ' Spcils,' bsing a hungry dog, and a determined man, w/11 elect the ticket, 35 sure is the sun rises in the west! Another parly, still, hoiots to the breeze of popular favor the names of 'Van Buren, Free Territory, and Revenge!' and the people (here and elsewhere) being anxious for 'Revenge,' his sucess is most immorally certain. He can't help going in by an immense minority, with his two as.-ociates — inasmuch as 'Free Territory' is as far greater a man than General Jackson ever was, as truth is greater than a young lie, just beginning to crawl. There are other candidates in the field, I believe, my friends; but they are of minor consideration, at present. Still, there is no tell- ing but they may spring up to elephantine importance in the course of a single night. Now, my friends, upon the jump of the half-sober second thought, I don't see how it is possible for any of the aforemen- tioned to be elected ; for, according to all accounts, not a single mother'.:? son of them is fit for the station to which he aspires ; for we — the sovereign and moral people — will never consent to see a person sit in the presidential chair, who cannot fill it, to bulging out, with capability, dignity, honesty, morality, piety, holiness, and honor. No ! — never ! What does General Taylor know about managing government affairs 1 He can kill a Mexican and whip a ' nigger' in beautiful style; and that is pretty much all. When advised by an influen tiai whig to come out with his principles, the old General thrust his hand into his breeches pocket, fumbled about for a moment — ana *hen replied : ' I thought I had a piece of plug, but it seeing to be missing !' Now, I ask, how a man can possibly entertain a hope of ever being President of the United States who doesn't un derstand the difference between principles and a plug of to- BAixo 1 ! There is no chance for him, as the doctors say. ''-eneral Cass, my friends, stands no chance at ail, either. We have no idea cf having a man in the White House who would in- volve the country in a war with the Sandwich Islands in less than twenty-four hours Uter his inauguralicn. He would have the will, and he'd find the way to do it. Yes, and ere the dog-davb were over, he would send an invading army to march through tli# white sands of Coney Island — there to capture ali the unoflend SHORT PATENT SERMONS, 21.9 ing clams, because one of their race once had the audacity to dis- agree with (the stomach of) a dicsharged midshipman — there to take possession of the bathing houses, and occupy the enemy's country till two-thirds of the poor conquered clams cor.sei ted to be roasted alive, and one half of their territory for ever an. exed. We can have no such a ferocious monster as Cass. As to Van Buren, he is crafty, cunning and sly. Actuated as he is by motives of revenge, the withering influence of his reign would extend from Kinderhook to Kamscatka. Not a single ciib- bage could be grown between these two distinguished places du- ring the four years of his administration. And, further, he is so fond of slavery that he wants it all home — isn't willing that any of it should go to Mexico ! He won't do. No, brethren — as none that I mention can possibly be elected go home, and make up your minds to vote my ticket — which is ffiffi Capability, Honesty, and Virtue. So mote it be ! man UNALTERAB1.E. Text. — T am as I am, and so will I be ; But how that I am none knoweth truly; Be it ill, be it well, be I bond, be I free, I am as I am, and so will I be. My Hearers : As far as the physical mechanism of mankind i» concerned, individuals are the same all the world over. They are all constructeu upon the same principle, made of the same mate- rial — moistened clay — (except the negroes, who are a mixture of mud and molasses) — propelled by the same mysterious magnetic power, and subject to the same casualties. There has been no im- provement in the manufacture of mortals, since the first human frame was put together, set up, lathed ar;d plastered in Paradise : no altering here, adding there, nor simplifying anywhere. No patent rights have been taken out for 'new and decided improve- ments,' and no odd whims entertained for its reconstruction asjre entertained by my friends the Fourierites for the re-organization oi society. No, my friends, the material, plan and architecture of the Soul's house are precisely the same now as when Time 220 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. was a ch'cken, and so they will contii ue to be as long as Natiire shall continue at the hiisine?s of bniMin^. In this house there i» ju««t so much timber as, and no more than, of yore, and pal togeih- er ex ctly in the same way. It has just so many rooms, all tin- ished and furnshed in ihe same old-fashioned style; for be it kLown, fickle brethren, that Nature never changes her fashions. It has two windows, two doors, and a ventillator over one of these latter to let in and out the air, whenever it may happen to be closed. But it were emaciating time for me to enter upon a minute description of it: you are all acquainted with its construc- tion, and know very well how a:^mirably arranged it is, and that you coiildn't suggest an improvement upon it if you were to sit down and pull your whiskers from Christmas to the grand blow- up. My brethren : although you match one another, bone for bone and sinew for sinew, yet you are not morally constituted alike. There is as much difference in your disposition, tempers, inclina- tions, ambitions, and natural bonds, as there is in the markings of that curious gramineous production called striped grass. Some of 3-ou are as gentle as sucking goslings ; others are as fractious as wild bulls. Some are playful and harmless as kittens ; others are cross and ferocious. Some are inclined to honesty, while oth- ers, if perchance they found themselves in the path of integrity, would climb rocks and leap hedges to get out of it, even though they left the tails of their coats behind them. Some are open, kind-hearted and benevolent ; others are close, cold-gizzarded, and mean enough to crack nuts for a paralyzed cripple and feed him with the shells. Yet you are as you are, and so will you be. I can administer no moral alterative that will work any radical change in your natures. I can't take the temper and disposition out of ou'j man and put it into another ; and I defy any niurtal upon the footstool of Jehovah to do it. No, the individual him- self cannot hammer out or tinker up a new disposition to take the place of his old one. ' Can the leopard change his spots, or the Ethiopian his skin V Not a bit of it — those spots are fast, and unchangeable ; and, as lor the African, why, as it is written in the book of Thusekiah, nigger will be nigger, let him be born awhile men. Therefore, lamented brethren, I don't blame you for not bc- inej what you can't be ] and no one supposes for a moment, I trust SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 221 that I intend to censure the Almighty hand that maci* you as you are. My friends : we will suppose that here sit? Dobson (iiot you, Brother Williams,) and there sits Hobson. Dobson's nature is filled to the brim with aquafortis, red pepper, e:inger, mustard, gall, wormwood, vinegar, and so forth ; Hobson's holds nothing more nor less than a couple of gallons of milk and honey. Now who, by any hocus-pocus, can cause Dobson to be Hobson, or Hobson Dobson? The thing is impossible — utterly absurd, brethren; therefore, if my preaching fails to change the dispositions — and, of course, the deeds — of individuals, you must be as lenient as possible, and let common sense dictate as to the amount of pun- ishment I ought, in justice, to suffer. Had some the power, they would have all folks alike: meek, mild, superlatively honest, and most particularly pious. Pooh ! I wouldn't give a tin sixpence for a world made up of such a dull, plodding mass, with nothing to break its monotony — nothing to relieve its weariness. It is VARIETY that gives life, animation and interest to both the moral and material world; and he that would have all men of one mind, one disposition, one creed, and one way of acting, must belong to the jackassical school of philosophers. 'Why heaven has made us as we are V is easily answered : It is all for the best. Re- specting myself, ' I am as I am, and so will I be ; Bui how that I am none knoweth truly; Be it ill, be it well, be I bond, be I free, I am as I am, and so will I be.' Let this be the motto of you all. Hold in as much as you can, :f you are naturally impetuous — strive to improve where there is room for it; but pay no attention to those fools who would per- tmade you that you can change your own natures a> easily as you can put on a clean shirt. So mote it be ! ^ THE BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY. Text. — Loveliest day, divinely blest, Emblem of eternal rest ! My Hearers : I have been requested to give my views of the Sabbath, or, to speak more correctly, oi the Chrif?uan Sunday. I 222 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. soMom meddle with such mdt ers; but, if you will hear and for- give me for this once, I will promise, like a good bo\% nevrr lo Climb over the fence ?ga'n. Well, then, in the first place, there is something so sweetly soothing in the very conlcmplation of a Sun- da} — that sacred day of rest and relaxation — that, for my part, I would not have it bloiteJ from the cairn Jar for all the gold that my almost unfathomable breeches pockets could contain. No' Do away with your New Year's, your Fourth of July, your Chn'stmases, your Thanksgvings, ay. even April Fools" and St. Patr'<'k's Days, but dont disturb the beaut ful Sun lay. Let that remain untouche 1. It is a lovely garJen plante 1 among the rocks, the thorns, the thickets and the wee;ls of a wicked world. While travelling in the old cider-mill circle of t'me, we come round to it ev^eiy once in seven days: and what a famous re-sting-place it is! Here, beneath its quiet bowers, the weary and the toil-worn truly hnJ a calm repose: here bloom amaranthine flowers, shed ling a pious odor abroad; and, somehow or other, whenever a bland Suiiday breeze brushes the dew from my brow, I always imagine my-elf fanned by the wings of angels. Oh ! what peace and fre. dom are enjoyed upon this blessed day ! The ox is at rest — • the T.vdn servant and the maid servant — the mule, the fool and the ass. It is a day of holy independence, upon which the bond are set ("lee, to unburthen their care-loaded minds, and none to say unto them. Do ye this, or do ye that ; — only do nothing uproarious to -»rofane the sanctity of the day, n^r to prevent 3'our neighbor from peacefully enjoying it after the dictates of his own conscience. My friends: perhaps you are in doubt as to whether Sunday is jf a divine or human origin. Let me tell you, it is a civil insti- tut.on, established by man, since the time of Christ — but an ex'^ cell<»nt one, nevertheless. While the Son of God was upon earth there was no Sunday, except the Jewish Sabbath (Satuiday), to which he was teetotally opposed : and you may sea.ch the New Testament, from Matthew to the Revelations, as closely as a mon- key ever searched the head of his brother, and you can't find -a solitary instance where he recommends one particular day to be observed above another. On the contrary, he and his disciples trespassed on the only Sunday then known, by plucking ears from a cornfield ; and, when accused of the violation, virtually ah- Bweredj Pooh ! and passed along. And his apostle St. Paui SHOR-T PATENT SERMC NS. 225 •peaking of the observance of the Sabbath, remarks, that with some all days are alike ; and concludes by saying, Let every one BE SATISFIED IN HIS OWN MIND; i. 6., if you wish to keep one day out of seven, keep it — servant or master — but don't compel any one to observe it according to particular rules. This same apostle's remarks concerning days for fasting are precisely of the same tenor. Now, as soon as I have disposed of that fly, whicn seems to have taken a decided fancy to my proboscis, I will pro- ceed. My hearers : what strange, bigoted, hypocritical notions some folks seem to entertain regarding Sunday. If they caught a man pulling a weed from his garden, they would, had they the power, consign him to the devil, or send the devil after him, in the shape of a constable; and yet these same hyper-pious individuals tres- pass upon every Sunday in the year, shielded by what they term NECESSARY LABOR. Now this is a Very vague term. What is meant by ' necessary labor V My aunt Charity — who was as good a christian as ever bit bread at a sacrament — used to make a cheese and go to church regularly every Sunday. She didn't con- sider the cheese-making at all wicked ; for the world insists upon its being ' necessary labor.' It was necessary only so far as this, that by making a cheese every day in the week, for three months, and selling at seven cents per pound, it would mete her, say, one hundred and ten dollars; but by skipping the first day of the week, it would bring her in about fifteen dollars less at the end of the three months — though butter could have been made of the milk at any time of the week, and the loss would have been but little, or nothing at all. So, good, innocent creature, she really supposed that the Lord took the dollars and cents into considera- tion, and that the recording angel entered no charge against her for making cheese on a Sunday. The boy that blows the organ, my friends, at a fashionable church, suddenly stopped turning, a few Sundays since, in the middle of a hymn. Wiping the perspira- tion from his brow, with a blue cotton handkerchief, he gently whispered to the organist, ' I say, I wish you would ask the n>> tor if he doesn't think that I have a soul, and some sweat, to be saved, as well as the rest ]' ' Oh, keep on blowing,' was the re- ply ; yours is a work of necessity — you will get to heaven as »oon as any of us.' Now, brethren, how is it possible that the 224 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. boy's work was one of necessity, when it is nv)t necessary for a church to have an ore:an in it at all ? That, or some other work, might be necessary for the boy, though, to enable him to keep body and soul together. My friends : Sunday, as a civil institution, made sacred by cus- tom, snould be observed by all as a day of rest for man and beast. Let none require of another to toil upon this da)-, and none hin- der another from doing quietly and respectably whatever he pleases. For your own bodies and souls' sakes, turn your thoughts upwards from the things of eaith, and let them repose in the regions of everlasting happiness and love: but, as far as lam concerned, it is none of my business whether you go to church, or go to grass. So mote it be ! time's glory. Text. — Time's glory is to calm contending kings, To unmask falsehood, and bring truth to light, &c. J\Iy Hearers : Time, ever vigorous and all powerful, is not to be thought lightly of, or treated with ridicule, scorn or contempt. Vou may off with your coats, roll up your sleeves, and think tc defy him to the last, but he is sure to get the best of the fight in the end, like a gallon of whiskey. Pluck every feather from his pinions, and they are immediately plumed anew, for the continu- ance of his undetainable flight. He grabs you by the hair, and drags you after him, nolens volens — whether or no — to the tune of ' come along with me, and you'll see what you shall see.* There is no use of pulling back, kicking and making wry faces about the matter, for go you must. So take it easy — make a vir- tue of necessity, and jog along with a grinning smile ; but be careful to have one hand tight hold of the old man's forelock, so It may appear to the world that he is the prisoner, and not you. My friends : what is Time's glory ? It is not only to pour oii upon the troubled waters of royalty, and to administer anodynes to restless and contending kings, but to knock into vulgar fractions the crowns of those who sit upon the skirts of Liberty, and with- nold from a long-suifering people certain rights and privileges ••hich the Great No-respe:tcr of persons never granted to poten- SHORT PATENT SKRMOXR, 225 tatep a!orie, bin- to all manhnd. Time gloried when he set Ame ricjj free from the grasp of fortign tyiaiiny— he i.-« r-ow tick'el as p. (log \vi;h two t;i Is for \\hv.{ lie h.-^s (U n-- for Fraiire ;in:l I niv* and, when he tlriiks of whai he ;s go ng to do, l>v an I hv. f .i poor distiesse.J Irelan 1. his wings fa rly fiutler with delight; bai i advise him not to crow at ihe meie day-Lreak of freedom, I n1 wat till the sun is far enough above the horizon to shii.e upon the lowliest hovel in the vale of poverty. It is Time's glory to tear off the mask from the face of f.ijse- hood ; to exhibit its disgusting features to the world, a^nd make it Eo ashamed as to wish itself a turtle, that it m-ght 'hide its di- R^inished' head in its shell, and 'blush unseen:' to bring truth from out the dark dungeon of error, that all may gaze upon its fair and beautiful proj)0!t'ons, and become enraptureil therewith — but not to vanish: to dig up sparkling gems of virtue from the common coalbeds of vice; and 1o garland the brow?i of young in- nocence and matured goodness with such perpetual flowers of joy and peace as the frost of calumny will have no more eflect ujion than a shower of bird-shot against the hiie of a rhinoceros. And it is the glory of Time, too, to bring budding greatness to beauti- ful bloom; to assist the aspiring youth up the steep hill of fame; to give a golden ripeness to the green apples f ^..romise ; to patch up our old breeches of care ; to apply a healing salve to every sorrowful wound; to blot out, or blur over, the record of former woes, follies and transgressions, written in the book of memory; and to keep the lamp of ho}>e well filled whh the best of winter- strained oil — such as won't thicken and give out during the cold- est nights of despair. My dear friends : Time has to do all sorts of drudgery — from the draining of swamps and leveling of mountains, to the build- ing of meeting-houses and tombs, and the settling of new coun- tries ; but what are the functions of his office, in general 1 Why, they are, to make the child a youth, the youth a young man, (or woman,) the young person an individual bowed down with age, the mortal weary with age, a lifeless lump of clay at last : to cause horns to protrude from the heads of calves and young rams — and whiskers, and muslachios, and imperials, to sprout and flourish upon the pretty faces of dandies; to deveJope, and then suddenly obliterate, the physical charms of the tender sex; tc 15 E26 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. wither the roses of beauty, pour a solution of potash upon its green leaves, and destroy forever all that gladdened the eye, teased the passions, tickled the nose, and tempted the lip : to give strc-ii;;lb to the weak, and make the powerful powerless: to cause desert wilds to bloom as gardens, and gardens to become desolate wlls ; to plough and to sow, to culture and mow; to dig rusly relics from the ruins of the past, and to give them a new polish for the present : to mould and re-mould the human race ; to re-model so- ciety ; turn everything topsy turvy, and see how much that shall be considered new and fashionable can be manufactured out of old material. My hearers : in conclusion, let me tell you what Shakspere said, or might have said, concerning Time : He wrongs the wronger till he knocks under and renders right. He knocks out the under- pinning of proud buildings, and smears with dust, ashes and lamp- black their glittering golden towers. He whets his tusk against the rock of ages, and goes forth to battle like one who had bet hia last shirt upon the victory. He bores more worm holes in stately monuments than a woodpecker ever inflicted upon an or- chard. He feeds the rapacious jaws of oblivion with the rotten wood and decay of all things. He alters the contents of old books, and makes them tell altogether a different story from of yore. He plucks the quills from the wings of superannuated •Id geese, and pulls out the tail feathers from proud and vain am- bition. He dries up the sap in digniiied and stately oaks, and takes a vast deal of trouble in preparing an insipid lacteal juice for the milkweed, the cocoanut and mushroom. He robs antiqui- ties of all their glory and boast, and so besmears the pages of an- cient history that it is hard work to tell where the truth lies, and and when it tells the truth. He makes the man a child, and the child a man, as if for mere amusement. He slays the innocent lamb, and feeds the ferocious tiger with the best that the table of Nature affords. He tames the serpent to sting its benefacors, and drives dogs mad to get up an excitement in dull cities. But I shall not preach against Time; had 1 the disposition, I should not have the time to spare. Towards all who treat him well, and wiih due respect, he will extend unbounded favors; but if you mock him, 'cfy his power, go to WTeslle with him, undertake to trip him up, or behave ungentlemanly to him in any way, look out what '. SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 227 f tell you, ye rash and inconsr" 'erate hildrt-n of iniquity ! you will go down to your graves t;0(--hc o.rtg like a kidvci hooby. beaten, bruised, battered, soul- shattered, body-lattered, hardly hang- ing together, looking as ihough you had made your escape froni a regiment of wild cats, with just enough ideniity lelt for self ic Bwear to. Be careful, brethien, how you take hberlies wah T.m.% for he is one of the old sort, and won't be fooled wiih. So mole it be! PLEASANT SIGHTS. Text. — How pleasant 'tis to see Kindred and fi lends agree. My Hearers : The text I have selected for my present discourse appears to be susceptible of dividing into two }>arts ; and there- fore I shall split it. The first fragment, ' How pleasant 'tis to see !' is made of the real mahogany of truth — as brother Bill says, there is no basswood about it. It is, indeed, pleasant to see; to have the privilege of beholding and enjoying the beauties of the outer world : to gaze upon the moving panorama exhibited in cities, villages, hamlets, and even in country cow and sheep pas- tures : to admire the grand and magnificent picture pahiled by the Great Unknown upon the broad canvas of nature : to behold how admirably the world we rent is got up, and without regard to ex- pense — with two poles, two tropics, one ef[uator, and an imagi- nary line, called Mason & Dixon's — several latitudes, numerous longitudes, and a well-bound horizon. Isn't it pleasant to see hew the earth, in summer's gay prime, is clad with a vesture of green, and variegated with flowers of every color and hue T how the brooks, like little glassy snakelets, wriggle down from the moun- tains, as if anxious to be swallowed by the great silver serpent that winds through the valleys below ? how the cascades and cataracts leap from rock to precipice, exulting in their dare-devil feats 1 how the lakes lie like so many looking-gla-^ses environed with evergreens, before which Nature spreads her toiiet, puts on bcr bustle, and punctiliously performs every little office pertaining to the adjustment of her drapery ? how old Ocean snoozes and sncrw upon his mig^^v b«d, with his head piilowedupoa heaven £28 SHCRT PATENT SERMONS. and the everlasting hills for a foot-board '? Yes, yes, my fnends, it is anything but unpleasant to see ; to ki ow and appreciate the loveliness of the Creator's works with that mo^t valuable of all organs, ^especially to a cat,) the eye. Oh ! that 1 had as many eyes as a spider ! — a fly ! — as Argus of old ! — one for every stai in heaven ! Then would I look all ways at once, and get my fill cf the beautiful sights that grace the world — including handsome women, of cour. is a werry wexing world. It is so, on account of its deceptions disappointments, petty plagues, trifling an.ioyances, and little cares that keep one as constantly uneasy as a dog overrun with fleas It is all nonsense, however, to yield to their puny molestations: Carry a stiff upper lip, a stout heart, a brave and determinevl nrnd, and walk with dignity through life, as though nomusquitoes were buzzing about you, and no weeds nor thorns concealed among the flowers that grace the little garden of human existence. But every one seems to lhir:k that he is burdened with more than his share of sublunary trouble: he scratches a pimple till it become a sore — is frightened at his own shadow, in the pale moonl'ght of mel- ancholy imagination — starts at the rustling of a leaf — and is de- terred from moving onward by the apparitions of ill that stalk in ihe dull twilight of the future. Pooh! as well might a young and thriving grove become stunted through fear of premature age, because it contains a few white hares ! Nevertheless, my dear friends : there he many real ve.vat'ons that man must encounter between his casting off of clouts and putting on his everlasting night-shirt. Think how many time? does a mortal, who lives out his three-score years and ten, stub uis toes beiwixt his cradle and his couch ! How many Xlmef- doe# SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 233 he actually s^ip down, anJ rise again like Truth, without the am of yeast ! How many times does he bump h'r^ nose against «ome unfoiseen obstacle, that seems to have been put purpcseiy in hia path ! How r.ften does he attempt to cro>s some giass-maiieJ marsh, and finds, too late, that he has put his fool in it! How many respectahlr. knocks "xnd bruises is he honored with in jost- ling his WriV through the world ! — and how much usek&s sweat oo/es from his fevered brow, while he undertakes wonders auil accomplishes nothing ! My hearers : unfaithful umbrellas, like fickle wives, are great vexations; they don't pay for the trouble of looking after them. If, however, you intend to possess either, I advise you to pick out the worst-looking one you can find : for then there is little danger of their ever being run away with. Corns, too, are great tor- ments, and tight boots their aggravators. What can more annoy a poor pilgrim than those pedal pests, irritated to anger by the stin- giness of Fashion! Oh! they bore gimlet holes through one's very soul — shoot cambric needles into a man's heart — drive Peac« from her warm nest, while Patience puts on her bonnet and goes off holding her breath for spite ! Then, when you have youi corns trod ien upon — as you must expect they will be, many a linrt* and oft, ore you go to your graves — oh! then don't you squirm like a half-skinned eel ! — dance about like a pea upon a hot sho vel ! and cramp up and grin like a baboon with a high-j)ressiird belly-ache! Yes, dear brethren, you needn't think of getting through this crowding and crowded world without having your corns trodden upon more than once: so you must make up your minds to stand each rub with the fortitude of a philosopher chis- elled out of marble, and continue to hope for better luck to come. Hide your griefs beneath your breakfast — cover your torrows with wreaths of rosy smiles — keep your ills concealed in some dark corner of the heart — wliistle like a plough-boy going home to dinner — and you will escape a thousand paltry vexations, that would olherv.-ise be down upon you like a regiment of crows upon d yellow dog. Yet, my hearers, this is a world of vexations, and we must run Oie common chance while going through the mill, and make as jittle fuss as possible. These are the principal things that vex mortal man during his short mundane e.vistence : To put a cleau a 234 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. shirt on, in a hurry, and find that every button has turned traitor and gone over to the washerwoman : to purcliase a new hat, and rive minutes afterwaid, have the wind wantonly take it from your head and 'wet if for you in a mud-hole; to court a girl for a hvelvemonth, and then to have pa and ma suddenly put a stopper upon all fuither proceedings; to have a sneeze flash in the pan, just as you expected it to explode; to lind what your heart most desires exactly two inches out of the reach of your paws; to teai your trowsers for the public good, and be obliged to look to Hea- ven for reward; to have an untimely frost fall upon your fairest blossoms of hone^ and especially to gain the high summit of wealth, and find there less true happiness than surrounds the pea- sant's cot in the humble vale below. My deal friends: in this vexing sphere, almost everything vexes at times Husbands vex, wives vex, lovers vex, children vex, debtors vex, creditors vex, neighbors vex, and circumstances vex. The apparently smooth-running thread of life contains many a vexing knot, and it will sometimes tangle, in spite of all we can do. The silvery stream of life hath its ripples, its breakers, its cascades, and its cataracts. The landscape of life is diversified with hills, mountains, plains, valleys, flower-gardens, barren wastes, swamps, marshes, and thorny thickets. But you must spiralizf^ along the best, way you can. Do as I and the hedgehogs ^Q — kefp a steady crawling; and when attacked by the dogs of ill and ad 'ersitv, roll yourselves into a ball, erect your quills, keep qdiet, and let the contemptible curs bark till they get sick of their (oily So mote it be ! ACTION — MOTION. Text.— -AH is action — all is motion, In this m.ighty world of ours ; Like the current of the ocean. All is urged by urseen powers. My Hearers : When we stand on tiptoe, and take a peep over thp. wall of the world, survey the suburbs of this mundane sphere, '^ur minds are filled to the brim with wonder, admiration and as- tonishment al the ever-busy scenes there presented. Tneie wf SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 235 behold the golden cars of the planets, propelled hy r^agnelism, wheeling their unwearied courses round their respective suns, in (♦he same old cider-mill track that Joshua found them when he, (old the god of day to sit down and rest himself — silvery satellites acting as servants to the planets, ever upon the keen jump, and faces as bright as new britannia — and here and there a blood-red comet, with his flaming hair and fiery tail, cutting up his frightful antics in the celestial world, bound for nowhere in particular, but poking his nose into every nook and corner of creation, like a meddling vagabond without friends, home or employment. All comets might, with justice, be arrested as vagrants, but not aa idlers, for they are ever upon the move, like seagulls in a north- easter. Oh ! it is wonderful to see how the hosts above have kept continually dancing and waltzing in the high hall of Heaven ever since it was built, without once changing partners, stopping to rest, or even to partake of a particle of refreshment ! And see how bright they look, too ! as fresh and shining as though they had just opened the ball ! So they will continue to dance, for ages and ages to come, till the spheres cease their music. Time puts out the lights, and bids them sleep through all eternity, to get thoroughly rested. All is motion up above — continued, unceasing \)erpetual motion. My friends: all things down here, too, are as active as flies in the sunshine. The earth whirls like a water-wheel — it goes like lightning. It has always gone with the same speed ever since it was first started, and it doesn't squeak for the want of grease yet. How lucky it is for us poor, tender and brittle sinners, that there is no beam or bridge to hit our heads against while being carried -ound at the interesting rate of a thousand miles an hour! Thank Providence that our heads are clear on that score. Mark the little brooks, how they leap, jump and run to the arms of their mater- nal r;vers, and are gently borne upon their bosoms to the vast ocean— but not there to rest. No ; they must lend their feeble assi.'-tance in manufacturing waves, piling up billows, fashioning tides, and getting up an occassional water-spout. There is no quietness in the ocean — no more than \here is in the living sea before me when the hat is passed round. Now look, my friends, at the land again. All there is as busy as a lot ^f young turkeys after grasshoppers : all is action— all i^ 236 SHORT PATENT SERMCNS. motion. Beasts, birds, bugs, butterflies, insects, and even ii'.en and women are f.lways upon the stir — and for what'/ Wliv, to get a hving, and to give the world a live'}' a])})earance. Even the creature called the sloth winks and breathes to assist in gving animation to the picture — knowing that, although his contribution be small, still every little helps, as the old woman said when lui grand-baby cried out at a prayer meeting. Climb with me, brethren, into the top of one of the highest trees of imagination. Sujipose we are there now, all comfortably seated, and looking down upon the vast moving multitude of a great city. What do we see 1 A most magiiiricent living pano- roma ; a m'ghty throng hurrying to the north, to the south, to the east, and to the west; passing and repassing; mingling, separat- ing; fashionable ladies and gentlemen promenading with majestic step and slow — businessmen darting ahead as though driver by a pocket steam boiler — idlers and loafers mixed in and shook about, like chips in a whirlpool — children rolling hoops, whipping lops, shooting marbles, and pitching pennies: but the great mass, after all, are in search of the almighly dollar, and striving to push their way to wealth, distinction and fame. They are urged onward by an unseen power, but easily understood. It is the money-motive power that pr^^pels them, and which never ceases to operate, till the physical machinery is worn out, or broken down, by time. Now, brethren, since nature has intended everything that boasts oi life to be always active — forever in n.otion — don't an individ- ual of you doggedly oppose her laws by shutting yourself up to mould and mildew in the damp, dark dungeon of melancholy, where the lamp of hope can but burn dimly at the best, or sput« ler like a tallow candle with a watery wick. Keep stirring — am- bitiously head up stream like shad in the spring. Don't be a log and float down the river of fortune into the dead sea of oblivion Your heart is alive and alwa3's at work. It produces emotions and desires : these are magnetically carried to the brain, and wrought into ideas ; thence they are transmitted to the hands, to he carried into execution. You ought to be ashamed to behold yourself in a mirror if you obstinately refuse to be dilligent while Nature so gratuitously exerts herself in your behalf. iMy hearers : I believe that man is naturally the most lazy of all create ' flesh. His whole end and aim appear to be to contrive SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 237 eome means by which he can live without work; without once re.Herting that happiness and contentment are the natural con* co'n lants ol" in(hjsliy and active pursuit. Thde are two oclavc vnl'"nesof truth contained in the sacred j)recept, ' Workout you) own salvation, for the spirit works within you,' without ever rc'^t :\g Irutn its hihors. It never gets slothful and tired, no more than the pulse grows weary with beating, the eyelids with wink- ing, or the lungs with breathing. Then, up mortals, up! Be as lively, bustling and busy as the bees a.nd other insects around you ; and, like them, you will ever be well provided for — never grow gray with care, nor quit the world to curse it at a distance. So mote it be ! .Somebody requests me to preach from this text : 'Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice and wept.' I think enough has already been sa d upon this subject. The cause of Jacob's crying after he had done the deed, was, probably, a slap upon the face received by the hand of Rachel, according to the supposition of the New Orleans Delta newspaper. Any girl li f; uiik would have done the same. TIIK WORLD T'.') NARROW FOR SOME. Text. — The world is hardly wide enough To hold both you and nie. Mv Hearers: When Uncle Toby raised the sash and told the poor devil of a blue-bottle to go, there was room enough in the world for him and the fly, and some to spare: but its not so now. The world is scarcely wide enough for man alone, to say nothing of tne millions of other creatures that crowd themselves into it! and if it did'nt annually spill into the lap of eternity such ini- me laugh at his misery. Poor man— yt)U 'un't sleep under that budget of guilt! .\:w. my dear hearers, look at the man who goes to bed \vilh» IG 242 SHORT PaTKNT skrmonb. sense of having done his duty to his Maker, his i eighbor and himself. He ialls calmly asleep in the aims of Somiius, wno beckons his messenger, Morpheus, to come while reason slumbers, and guide his wandering fancy over that blissful world of drtarns, where earth-born care is never known to enter. If he is a lover, his dearest angel is ever by his side, journeying with him through shady graves and over elysian fields — if he is a business man, the banks all pay specie, and discount freely — if he is a lawyer, his clients are all wealthy, and chock full of suits — if he is a preacher (like myself), his sheep yield good fleeces, and are content with such salt as they can get. 0, it's a blessed thing to lie down at night with a light stomach and a lighter conscience ! You ought to see me sleep sometimes — the way I take it easy is a caution to children ! With the bleached night-cap that Time has lent me, I lay my head upon a downy pillow, while over it the loveliest poppies bloom and distill their soporific dews on my closed eye- lids. I revel in the courts of the blest — like a poet, I seem to be suspended, in an ideal balloon, midway between an Eden below and a Paradise above, till the morning lands me on the barren cliffs of terra firma. Since the beloved partner of my bosom has departed, her side of the bed contains a bundle of nettles bound together by a wreath of cypress — but, for all that, I sleep as sound as a log ; because my accounts are all square. I am too old, my friends, to do justice to the last verse of my text — suflice it to say, it is beautiful, truthful, sublime and pathetic. And now, in con- clusion, let me tell you, that, as our night's repose depends upon our conduct through the day, so does the sleep of death upon our actions through life. If we go according to Hoyle through the day of existence, we shall all be blest with rapturous dreams when we fall asleep in the cradle of the grave, never more to awaken tc tiouble, care and sorrow. So n ote it be ! ON ARTIFICE. Text. — Why, I can smile, and murder while I smile, And cry content to that which grieves my heart, And wet my cheeks with artificial tears, And frame my face to all occasions. My very respectable Auditcrs : I am not going to speak 31 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 243 the nionstf r here exhibited ; because I dont believe any man can take upon himself sucli super-deviiish mon.'trosities, anJ be a man —but intend merely to show how far the text will apply (perhaps in a dilferent manner) to a certain poition of the hiimtn family- the feminine branch in particular. This ornamental part of crea- tion, we all know, contains more art in its composition, and re- sorts to more artifice than the men. The women don't ploJ along the path of nature, as we do, but run out, every now and then, to I ick })osies, chase butterflies, and all sort o' thing. They are not 1o blame for this, nor for any trickery they may have recourse to, to arouse the cold-hearteJness and gain the affections of such re- frigerators as we men are. I'd do it myself if I wore petticoats, and v/ere so much restricied as they are ; if I didn't set a trap, where I saw good game, it would be because I hadn't the means — nor the disposition. In the artful smile of a pretty lass, my young friends, there is murder ! and T bid you beware, lest you t.co imprudently become its victim. Thousands and tens of thou- sands have been murdered in this way, while the cruel perpetra- tors looked upon the conquest with a semblance of grief, and would still ' cry content!' Ay, they can smile, and murder when they smile; and, what is more, they are licensed to commit as much murder as they like. The judge on his bench — the monk in his closet — the parson in his pulpit (not me) — in fact all, froir. a poet to a pedlar, are alike exposed to the shafts of Cupid, who lies basking in the warm smiles of woman. Girls, my friends, are aangerous creatures ! They hold the same power over young men that snakes do over birds : they sometimes charm them to death —at any rate, they charm them. When the eyes of a poor inno- cent youth have become dazzled by the smiles of a lovely miss, he likes to have them 'stay put ;' and, as he continues his gaze, a thousand new beauties arise — she becomes an angel of light sur- rounded by a halo of loveliness — gems of pleasure sparkle on every side — he is in a perfect paradise. Sometimes he perceives his danger, and essays to escape — but he can't do it — the golden chords that bind him are drawn tighter and tighter at every kick — nearer and nearer he approaches — now he flutters around the jaws pf matrimony — and now the halter of Hymen t-uis an end to all his sufferings 1 Ain't y m scared at this, Kjy young hearers ? If yoi. ain't; I'll jjreach scare fication in a diiTsc'iit form, next Sun- 214 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. .-liiy A «"ord more about murder. I am sorry that some stao^e perl. Trmers ' smile and murder when they smile' They no only mnnler their parts by their sm'les, but they commit asf^au't and batiery on the audience at the same time — on the pods and god- desses above — the angels between — and o.. the devils below — hut, however, moreover, whereas, nevertheless, notwithstanding, the stage is none of my business Wetting 'clieeks with artificial tears' — how about thai '? This, mv brethren, does not apply so readily to the ladies. AVben T see a tear trmkle down a fair maiden's cheek, I believe it to be the real juice of feeling — none of your crocodile salt drops. I don't imagine a woman can play 'possum in that kin 1 of ftyle, e' peci- nlly in the affairs of love ; but I must say, that I have seen .some giddy girls, who cared more about fellows and Hiitntion, than about religion, go to anxious and inquiry meetings, with a peeled onion nicely folded in their pocket-handkerchiefs ; so that a single wipe would cause the tears of true repentance to flow in any quantity. If this failed to start them, all the oil of gospel in Christendom w^ouLl be inefTeclual. It is in this latter instance only, that the limb of my text can possibly be applied. To talk about a person having the power to weep on all occas'ons, is the height of mooiTshine. I'd like to see a man undertake to cry, with a pretty girl beside him — pocket full of cash — no corns on ^ais toes — and plenty of ice cream in reach. If he can do It on Ruch a time, he had better make a business of it, anil go about ''rying for people at si.vpence a cry. To cut the matter short, ar- tificial tears are * all in my eye.' ' Frame mv face to all occasions.' In order to under^^tand this, we must observe that frame is an old Egyptian word, which sig- nifies to form, fashion, paint. Here we have it — ' Paint my face,' &c. This manner of framing faces is very common at the pre- sent ^3ay. Different kinds of paint are used on different occasions, and by difrerent persons. Our ladies generally use rouge — those who are dark complexioned, make use of white-wash ; but neither are kiss r^vooi — two or three smacks take it off. The negroes use Ja,'*:: varnish, which .stands the test well. But, my friends, let Nal'ire do the painting; she is an experienced hand, and puts on a glow that retains its freshness. As you are ashamed to weal trinicets of brass th'-t imitate gold, so your price ought to forbid gnORT PATENT SEUMONS. 2^5 yoWT wearing those false colors, which only mimic the handiwork of Nature. In regard to your smiles, let them always bs iho.^c of feincerity ; your tears, though real, let them flow from ihe pne fount of contrition — never from anger or petulence ; your dai'y acts, let thrm give evidence that you have profited by my ))rea^h- ing, that I may have the satisfaction of knowing that my gray hairs have been respected, and that my labors have not been in vain. So mote it be ! ON THE POWER OF CONSCIENCE. Text. — V/hat conscience dictates to be done, Or warns me not to do ; This teach me more than hell to shun, That more than heaven pursue. JVlY VERT SENSITIVE AND SENTIMENTAL HeARERS '. I shall, in the present discourse, direct my eloquence to those only who have consciences manufactured from Heaven's best material and are not case-hardened at the forge of Satan. I believe this includes nearly the whole of my flock — but if there are any who have cast-iron consciences that resist every impression ; and if, also, there be those with India-rubber consciences, that will stretch half a mile beyond the geographical line of honesty — why, I shall bid them go their own way — serve out their apprenticeship with the Devil, and afterward do jour-work in manufacturing mischief for them- selves and their neighbors, by the job. Conscience, my friends, lias of late been too generally bullied out of confidence in its own admonishing and chastising powers. My friend Shakspere says It makes cowards of us all — but it don't do it now-a-days so much. People have become too well acquainted with the animal, to be frightened out of their seven senses by its scolds, which they heed about as much as a fox does the cawing of carrion crows, (t would be a glorious thing for the present dilapidated state of soci- ety, if conscience could more frequently be elected president over the whole of the moral faculties. Now, my hearers, there's nu politics about me when you see me up here; but I verily believe that you run other candidates, because conscience is thought to he too arbitrary — au'^ so. oa tb* contrary, you go the whole hog ioj 246 SHORT Patent sermons. democratic or republican prnripl-^. and vest supr'-rne powr in the /oilovvin^ authorities, to legislate, speechify, f^et s /zled, and make laws in the chaml:eis of ibe heart, viz : Self-interest, Envy, Avarice, rndiiiii^ence, Love, Viitue. Vice. Benevo'ence, Jealousy, IVelry, Hatred, &c. It is plain enough, my dear friends, that such a ropubiican form of government won't answer in th's case; for tile obvious reason, that an incongruous, anonymous, heteroge- neous, ^e f-contliciing mass of law-makeis can't take care of them- selves — Ifctiing alone the uproarious, levoUitionizing emj/ire of the mind. I appeal to your delhioned ccnss'ences, my hearers, if it isn't just as p^ain as that girl on the end of the bench yonder, that democracy never will answer for the king;!om of the heart. 1 dive clean up to my elbows into the suds of democracy, in its po- litical relation : but the base passions and fine intellectual faculties of man, require some powerful mandate to keep in subjection the first, and push forward the latter. Ay, they need even a despot at their head — and Conscience was ordained by Heaven for this highly responsible office. Now, I beg all who have been traitors to their God and themselves, to lay down their arms and become faithful subjects to the r lord and sovereign, Conscience. Come, my dear friends, I know you won't act foolishly — upset your awn Boup, and sweeten your tea with mustard ! Come and let Con- science be your ruler — your guide — your protector — your reward- er — and your admonisher. Only go according to its dictates, and my word for it, you will gain possession of that rare jewel, hon- esty, which shall glitter amid the surrounding darkness of venality, and serve as a passport to the very cock-loft of j)ublic esteem. If it don't I wish I may be shaved ! I am rea !y, my friends, to stake the laurels that for years have decked my venerable front — that the man who always does the clean thing toward his inner man, will never have the darkest alleys of his soul haunted by the dragon-winged demon of remorse. But if you bid conscience depart, in order that the passions may hold a carnival in its pa- lace — run riot round its throne, and kick up Tom and Jerry — then beware! Remember that the resident whom you sent away as a servant, will return as a master. Ay. m} friends, he will return as a master, and a savage one, too. He will rap with terrible thundering at the door of the heart — and in earthquakified tones of ange§ demand -"Omittance. Then what a scampering there SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 247 will be among the sensitive children of guilt ! — they will feel that they have been raising Cain and breaking things — they will :all on the beds to cover them, and the chairs to fall a-top ol them — on their knees they will implore Conscience to forgive them ; but he won't be gammoned — he will slap them all with the shingle oi reproof, and send them sobbing to their beds of shame! This, you see, all comes from not acting up to the requirements of a con- scientious sense of duty ; and this, or something similar, will be the portion of all who know they are digging those potatoes which ought not to be dug, and are leaving unJu^ those potatoes whic*" ought to be dug. I would have you take a pattern after my sto macher — that's the sort of conscience you all want — it never warps — never shrinks — but is always the same — sound, comfort- able and soul-protecting. Now, my hearers, may I hope that whatever you do hereafter, whether it be making money, making love, or making pretensions, you will do all to the glory of a clear conscience ; and that is the evidence of a religion, not only rare» but of more value than an inheritance in the kingdom of gratait ous gastronomy. So mote it be ! ON SICKENING SENTIMENTALITY. Text. — And sometimes when the sun, with parting rays, Gilds the long grass that hides my silent bed. The tear shall tremble in my Charlotte's eyes ; Dear, precious drops! they shall embalm the dead! Yes — Charlotte over the mournful spot shall weep, Where her poor Werter and his sorrows sleep. My Dear Friends : There is something deliciously melancholy, sensitive, sweet and silly, in the above sentiments. It's exactly the right stuff to make chicken-hearted young men and love-sick gu'.s go out in the evening and gawk at the moon, till they don't know what under heaven ails them — and feel as if they want to commit suicide on themselves, or somebody else. I take it for granted, that you have all read the Sorrows of Werter— I am per- 8 'laded the female portion of my audience has — for I renr ember that when I was a boy, it like to have played the deuce with the whole lot of girls in our town. They would read it and cr>, as il the'T own t>we"iheaiis had turned highwaymen. I once caii^lii 243 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. *ny sister in just such a jjie .icarr; ni — an I, boy as \ was v.mht took to reason wiih her on the subject like a mnit ; but :-h? wipeJ Lerl face of the e^.rth to make a canal — cuts down the o;iaiit oaks :>-> build ships and steamboats, and puis a scab on the nose of Dame Nature, all to gra*'fy a selfish cupidity. He turns everythinj: topsy-turvy, to make discoveries; he pretends to have found out that the earth is round like a ball, notwithstanding the Bible and the great Roswell Saltonstall have told him better— that it is con- tinually turning over, and we all stick to it, like Death to a dead nigger — that bodies weigh less at the equator than at the poles, except buck shot, for with them 'a pint is a pound, the world al^ round' — that animal maggolism pervades all flesh : because, when it dies, it is eaten by worms — that men have as many bumps on their heads as they have ideas — in short, everything concerns man that is of no more impoitance to us moitals than a dose of salts to a foul musket. Not satisfied with making mischief at home, he places a ladder against the topmost towers of heaven, and enters, with sacreligious hand, upon the domains of his Creator — discov« ers there that the sun is as cold as a sturgeons nose — that Saturn has rings on his fingers — that Jupiter has belts round his waist — that the moon is not made of green cheese, but is a world like ours, only a different sort of beings inhabit it; and all such non- sense. The infidel Voltaire said, that the Lord couldn't make hills without valleys; but I do assert that man wouldn't hesitate to un- dertake it, had he the power to make hills at all. Let him beware how far he at:empts to carry his unholy schemes! Let him re- member how Nimrod of old undertook to build a tower to heaven ; and how the brick-layers and hod-carriers all struck for higher wages, ere it was half completed — and how, also, they jawed and quarrelled till some of them put their tongues out of gear, and were never able to understand each other afterward. One found himself talking Dutch — another, Irish — another, Cockney English — another, Hebrew, &c., &c. Then, my hearers, were they all dispersed, Gog and Magog, and the tower left to crumble upon the desolate plains of Shinah, where its ruins now lie, a fearful, but broken, monument of the folly and unlawful enterprise of man ! Gothamite>, take warning from this ! there is a jargon of languasres already here; and the slow progress of the new custom-house prognosticates evil. Beware! beware! My friends : let us avoid w^asting the wick of life in playing loolis'^ tricks with Nature : for she will soon play a trick wth ua 253 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. that is not to be winked at: that is, she will snuff out the candle of existence, and all the loco-foco matches on earth will not b^ aoie to re-light it. Therefore, let us follow the path of strict mo- rality, which leads through the tomb, over the viaduct between time and eternity, and ends in the everlasting gardens of Paradise. So mote it be! ON SLANDER. Text. — Anger, Self-love, Ambition, thirst of Praise, Perturb Man's soul, and darken half his days; Envy and Slander, Jealousy and Pride, On Woman wait, foul spectres by her side. My DEAR Hearers : It is, indeed, a painful job for me to descant upon the bad qualities of a person, for I know they are tender sores: and when touched by even a feather of reproof, are sure to throw the poor mortal who is afflicted with them into convulsions of the worst kind : but I must do it, for it is my line of business, and none can stop my mouth, nor say why preacheth Dow, Jr. thus? I mean to point out to man some of the principal causes of his perpetual disquietude, while a poor miserable tenant of that mud-built shanty called the body. These causes, my friends, are not a few, as the boy said of his head itching, but the principal ones are anger, self-love, ambition, and a constant thirst for praise. These are the begetting causes — the real old he ones; all the evils that follow them are their legitimate children — small, but saucy, and capable of producing a great deal of mischief in the sacred temple of the heart. Anger is a fiery, headstrong steed, that loves to rush into battle with its rider, w^ithout regard for prudence or fear of consequences. The ebenezer of some m.en rises to an awful pitch, at the mere prick of a pin ; and then such a flood of hurried imprecations bursts forth as to overflow the fair soil of virtue, rendering it sterile and unproductive forever. Were it not for that safety valve, the mouth, I am inclined to think that such people would snap their heart-strings, and perhaps burst the paicli- ment tnat encases all their wrath and fury. Self-love, my hearers, like good wine, may be indulged in moderately, without harm ; as It serves lo keep a body in good spirits, a "d stimulates him to man? SHORT PATENT SERMOICS. 253 laudable enterprizes ; but too much self-love makes a man so bra- zen-faced, that (l.e delicate tints of modesty won't stick, for wanf of a suitable ground. It causes him to look taller, in the sight ot his ov. n eyes, than any of the twc-lfgged giraffes about him : it makes him look upon his own shadow ao the very paragon of beauty — too choice and lovely to be .ed over the vile dust of the streets. He needs no high-heeled boots to raise himself in his own estimation. No, my friends, he is altogether too lofty for his own good. He fears the opinions of the world — kisses the great toes of sycophants — kneels at the altar of flattery — and finally dies d'sgusted with himself, and at enmity with all creation. Ambition and a thirst for praise are attended with similar effects; and I ad- vise you all, my brethren, to keep clear of them as much as pos- sible, unless you wish to have the felicity of dancing, occasionally, a bare-footed double-shuffle on a bed of young nettles. Now, my hearers, I must doctrinise the women a little. They are tender subjects to handle ; and perhaps I ought to put on the silken gloves of sentiment for the purpose; but they have their faults, failings and foibles as well as the men. I always analyze afl their lovely blossoms of purity, and deposit them in the most congenial corner of my heart ; but it is my present intent to strip off the corolla of all those which are poisonous — show them how the stamens of vice are inserted on the recepticle of their natures, and teach them the difference between roses of loveliness and the swamp-grown flowers of vice. As my text implies, envy, jeal- ousy and jtride, are the foul spectres that wait on women ; but these, my friends, all concentrate in one evil, and that is Slander. I em sorry to say that women will backbite with more than com mendable eagerness. They appear to have been endowed with the gift of gab for this very purpose. Instead of giving a mild tone to society, they often produce a discordant buz in the mansions of peace, similar to that created by a loud rap on a bee-hive. Scandal is the wanton weapon of many a fr male, too good look ^'ng to be censured by persons less free and courageous than my self — but it takes me to do it, because I know it is lor their good When I was travelling, my dear friends, through the state of yua ker honesty, Dutch simplicity and feminine frailly, called Penn itylvania, a young girl stumbled into the pathway of my know .edge, whose very teeth 1 td all become loosened by the aqualorlia 254 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. of scandal. Her tongue was furred with the mould of gossip, and she spat cambric needles when her "lander was above summer heat. 0, she was an angel in form, but a jt ; and i don"t know what, in the name of wickedness, we shail all come to, ujiless u i», that, by some righteous mistake, we come to the deteimiiiuLiOn SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 255 Ht behav« better, do better, and treat each other as though we were all rriembers of one club, trained in the same coinj)any, ate at the same labie. and woiked in the same vineyard : but, I regret to say, it isn't so now. Man looks upon man with a suspicious eye — aa though he were a thief, a robber, a sheep-stealer, a highwayman, or a cut-throat. We hear of rows and rumors of rows, but the end is not yet, and Heaven only knows when it will be. It 's, my friends, a horrible state of society in which we are compeiied, at the present day, to move. The community is pregnant with a thousand other evils besides those which the soaplocks scatter abroad. There are, in this little village of Gotham, thousands of rash, inconsiderate and foolish young men, who are sliding down to destruction as fast as the skates of lewdness and immorality can carry them. They bathe their sin-stained limbs in a flood of pleasure, as though it were a running stream, limpid and pure, washing grievous care down into the gulf of forgetful '^ess, and forever bringing a whole squadron of new delights. They are mistaken in this matter — they are paddling about in a dormant pool of sensuality, which becomes filthier and filthier, till it im- parts a deadly poison to every object in its vicinity. 0, my friends, when I see so many valuable and interesting young moi- tals floating about upon the surface of damnation, and just ready 10 sink, I feel as if I had partaken of the crusts of grief and six or eight cups of pity for breakfast. Poor things ! I throw out a line for them ; and if they haven't a mind to catch hold of it, they may go down beneath the waves of their own folly, and there lie till the Devil fishes them out — for the fault is theirs — the mislor- tune mine. These corruptions, brethren, are enough to make a man seek for a lodging place in some vast wildernes , where he can remain in blessed ignorance of the debaucheries, crime and improprieties of soaplocks, blacklegs, and highbinders — ay, of those who are called respectable— who give society the vomit and purge the most devout of christian neighborhoods. In some vast wilderness, I say — where a man can show fight to his own base passions, and no one near to commit him for assault and battery — where he can gather the sweets of solitude — be refreshed by fra- grant dews of reflection — lie flat on his back, and look straight up through Nature to Nature's God, and hold communion with blessed spirits, f'i he is lulled to sleep by the vespers of the night-breeze, 256 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. whose harp is hung amid the folds of the green curtail, that 9\it rounds him. He can there slumber in quiet repose, free f.om the vexation of a blistering world ; and in the full assurance that somf guardian angel will tickle his nose with a straw, when that black foundling of Satan, ca'led Nightmare, is thrust into his arms The solemn hoot of the owl would be music to his ears, compareff with^the horrible croakings which are daily ejaculated from tht sin-sore gullet of a contaminated community; and the hissings oJ serpents would pass by him without an admonishing meaning, af ter having been inured to those of slanderers, backbiters and tra- ducers. Verily, my hearers, a lodge in some vast wilderness is worth more, by two shillings a night, than one in the great ante- chamber of wickedness — where all manner of abominations are committed — where the greatest scourge that afflicts man is his fel- low man — where petit larcenies are performed upon his pockets — where base and cowardly passions burglariously enter the sacred temple of his heart, rob it of all that is virtuous, cut the threads of all the finer sentiments, and leave nothing behind but a pack of trash, that wouldn't fetch two cents in the market of heaven, and but a trifle more in the junk-shops of hell. My hearers : all the ills and follies that invade this social worli of ours musn't be saddled upon the backs of the man gender alone. Females nr.ust mother a portion of them. Old women are too much given to strong tea and stronger gab. They tell those things they ought not to tell, and leave untold those things which they ought jO have told ; which sometimes sets a whole parish by the ears. Young girls are too fond of extravagance, dress, flirting, coquet* ting, and a lancy variety of beaux. Too many of them are mere jack-o-lanterns, dancing before the eyes of admirers, and not un- frequently leading them into the ungetoutable swamps of poverty and wo. When I see a young lady dash out with such a cargo o: silks upon her back as to 1 reed a morus multicaulis mania throughout the land, I feel mcKned to say unto her, in the fullness of a charitable heart, Go, it Mary! your daddy may be rich, but not rich enough to purchase for you that happiness an 1 content- snent which dwell in the mansions of the h tmble, prudent and industrious! 0, my friends! I am also sorry to see so many un- fortunate damsels straying so far away from the flowery paths of virtue, to pick th^ bitter berries of vice from savage thorn treea SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 237 and molesting briai brushes, and enticing foolish young men to partalie of the same, regardles? of the flaming sword which is to drive them forever from the garden of peace and happiness. Only think of them ! their virtuous charms might have been wreallieJ into a delightful bouciuet, to ornament the gay parlor of respectable society, md be beauiiful emblems of that virgin purt} which drops down fiom the distillery of Heaven upon the tenlei buds oi youth. But they are gone chickens — there is no balm for them either in Gilead or Gotham. They are wandering on, poor disinherited children of wrath ! to eternal shame and infamy, with nothing to guide their wayward steps, save the blue flame of their own iniquity, which casts a sickly glare along the dark alley of crime. ' Lord bless them, let them go !' is all I can say for the.m ; but, my dear friends, it isn't half what I should like to do for them, had 1 the instrument of power at my control. If such things, my liearers, are not enough to make any one sing out for ' a lodge in some vast wilderness — some boundless contiguity of shade,' where crime is unknown, and where vice never entered — then I'll get right down from the exalted stool of preaching, and not .say another word — but hold on a minute. So- ciety may be made a lit circle to travel in, if you all try to do the clean thing to every one, at all times, antl acknowledge obedience to One whose supremacy should never be called in question. So mote it be ! ON THE CHILDHOOD OF THE SOl'L. Teat. — I woul 1 give all the love Within the mind's control, Could I recall onre more The chihlhood of the soul. The world is changed; that island scene still blooms in Memory'i eye; 'Tis here that I could wish to iive—there be content to die. Mr Hearers: It'.'; a hard case for a body to be transported foi ever away from tiie green isle of youth to the dreary Botany Bay of age never more to share the liberties and partake of the en- joyments \Thich flourish in that flowery tract of existence, called childhood. It is a har ' case— and you, ye banished old cripples, 17 Z5o SHORT PATENT SERMONS, who are shivering in the night atmosphere of death, must own its truth ! but you, young vegetables of merry spring, you don't be- gin to know what it is to have your sap chilled by the hoar-frosts of care, anxiety and infirmity; though you may all have to come to it one of these days, unless you take to drink, cut 'cross lots for eternity, and cheat old Time out of his turnpike fee. Look at me, my dear friends, and weep ! Here you behold a specimen ot antiquated humanity, about to be deposited in that dark and dusty museum of Hades, where dry bones are gathered together, and the dust of frail mortals lies scraped up in a heap, to be analyzed, at the great day of inspection, by the sole Judge of the Universe. 1 am a poor prisoner in the gloomy cell of old age. Time, the stern tyrant, has lynched me, for failings that pertain to human nature, rather than for any fault of mine : he has shorn my head of the ebon locks of youth ; cast a film over my eyes ; cut the elastic sinews of manhood ; and bound my feet with such galling fetters as none save the ministering angel of Death can loosen. I yield to my fate, with all that submission and fortitude which should characterize an humble and philosophical mind ; though ! would give two shillings, at least, and my note for as much again more, could I but return to the homestead of my boyhood, which is ever blooming like a celestial Paradise — where new buds of pleasure are sure to expand ere the ripening flower decays. let me vegetate again in that gay garden of existence, amid the squashes, cucumbers, beans, peas and cabbages, and be the most promising cabbage among them all ! there to flourish upon the rich soil of virtuous innocence — to have the weeds of vice eradi- cated every morning by the hoe of parental admonition, while the balmy dews of contentment fall gently down upon my verdure- covered head. But I'm a withered cabbage now — torn up by the roots and chopped into cold-slaugh. I never shall put forth any more green leaves, till the old stump is set out to shoot again in ihe nursery of immortality. My beloved friends: well might we all be willing to give the whole lump of love we ever possessed, could we but recall the childhood of the soul — that happy time when the heart is as ligh. as the head, and dances to the tune of don"t-care-a-copper in its love-lighted abode ; when the mind is as free and independent as ft north e'Q nigger; when our slumlers, in the arms of Peace, are SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 259 sweeter than virgin kisses simmered in the oil of heavenly love, when Fancy sits beside us, and, with a ready pencil, draws beau* tiful pictures for childish imagination to admire; when we can read whole pages of poetry written upon the hill-side, the moun- tains, the plains, brooks, rivers, and all such durable editions of Nature's album. Not such contagious doggerel, my friends, as afflicts the community these days, but real, genuine, legitimate poe try — such as the angels repeated, when the idea of creation was first conceived, and to whose harmonious jingle the world was formed. 0, my hearers, if we could always be young, wouldn't it be the tallest kind of sport ! then give us a plenty of bread and butter, and molasses, and what should we care for care, and the ten thousand vexations that manhood is heir to. I saw a little boy the other day, wading in a frog pond, with his trowsers strip- X»ed up above his lower hinges. He was bare-headed withal, and cut a very funny figure. His legs might be likened unto a couple of peeled sticks stuck into a sweet potato, and his head unto a handful of uncarded tow ; but I looked upon him as the very em- blem of happy innocence, courageous spunk, and careless indif- ference. In his frog-catching avocation, the thoughts of a United States' Bank or a Sub-Treasury never perplex his soul ; and a per- fect stranger is he to the multitude of anxieties that worry business men and poor mortals like me, who tug, toil and sweat in the mo- ral vineyard. He may, for a moment, get stuck in the mud, but so long as his head is out of water he has nothing to fear. I saw a little baby crawl out of its cradle, and take its first creep toward the tomb. What a pity that such a small mouthful of sin should, in time, become a locomotive mass of corruption ! but it must be so, for there is no remaining in the circle of childhood. Infancy soon finds^ itself prattling in merry childhood — childhood capers over the green meadows, and enters the rosy arbor of youth — youth winds its way up the mountain path of manhood — manhood hurries down a more rugged declivity, into the barren pasture of age — and age feels its way directly into the dark cavern of death. So you see, my hearers, there is no stopping by the way. When the physical engine of man is once put in operation, he locomotes straight ahead for eternity, and none can stop him. Since, then, we can't pla} truant by the road-side of youth, nor recall th** blest moments of childhood, wc must all try to act and fp»^l as though 260 «HORT PATENT SERMONS. vve were yet young, and always keep the green islaml of vittuoui ny-gone days in the eye of memory, to prompt us in all our mifc» movements. VVe must keep sober by all means, and never take a bite at such pleasures as are not perfectly wholesome — pay all our debts— be prudent, and attend church regularly. You might aj well undertake to draw a straight line from southeast to south- west, as to try to feel young and be cursed with the horrors of a guilty conscience. Let my words sink six inches into your hearts, and all the glory, honor and praise be yours. So mote it be ! ON THF ELASTICITY OF VIRTUE AN^ MORALITT. Text. — Jim Crow is made of India-rubber, He weighs a ton and seben ounce : The harder that you knock him down, The higher up he bounce. My Hearehs : There is a moral to my text, as insignificant and liOthingfied as it may appear. You know, or ought to know, that all bodies possessing the least elasticity will rebound from resisting substances, just in proportion as they are propelled against ihem. Truth, for instance, is amazingly India-rubberish ; and will hop up, when thrust down, like a circus tumbler on a spring-board Error, per contra, is wet, heavy and soggish — when cast to earth, it flats right down, and stays there, like a junk of dough — no gei up to it — nothing save the yeast of repentance will cause it to rise. If, my hearers, I were to be struck down by the slanderous blow of an adversary, I should bounce clear up against the rafters of heaven, and lodge, on my way back, in the topmost branches oi the very talleat tree of popularity. There's no flat about me — I'm always too w^ell stuffed with such elastics as virtue, moral- ity and truth ; and ever have been since I first took up the pro- fession of preaching. Beelzebub and all his apprentices couldn't ccep me down, inflated as I am v/ith such keep-getting-up quali- t'es : and if he should ever try to do it, he'd have a closer match than the angel had, when he took a back hug with Jacob of old But, my dear friends, you can all be secure from the dead c^ettler** oi knock-downs, as well as I, if you have only a mind lo try foi it Don'* flatter yourselves ton much with the id«a that your cor SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 261 poreal houses are all founded on rocks; because they maybe ouilt on the quick-sands of vanity, and then when the storms beat, the winds drive, the lightnings flash, and the thunders roar, they will »all like a bullet in the mud — not to hop up again — but to settle lower and lower, at every earthquake of misfortune All you whose shanties rest upon such everlasting rocks as strict integrity, practical piety, and a general uprightness of behavior, have nothing lo fear from the fists of opposition, or from those inimical vermin that are ever seeking to gnaw into the corn-crib of the sober, ho- nest and industrious. You will succeed in securing to yourselves a full measure of the wheat of this world in spite of their teeth. Every blow you receive from them will only drive another nail into the lids of your treasuries, and render them still safer from iheir burglarious des^igns. Even if they should happen to chuck you down to a level with themselves, it will only add perplexity to their shame; for, like the gum-elastic Jim Crow, )^ou will bounce up so far beyond their reach, that afterward they could but whistle and whine at your exaltation from the dark valley of envy, even as dogs bark at the moon, while peeping from their midnight kennels. Verily, my friends, you have nothing to fear, so long as your feet tread upoii the solid soil of virtue, and you estimate yourselves at about haif price of the original cost. Don't try to get up in the world too fast; for a rapid expansion may burst your suspenders, and take all the elasticity out of those sinewy functions, which enable man to spring out of the mire of difficulty, under the severest of pressures. You must love your neighboi as yourself. You mustn't be jealous of his prosperity — but take hold, and help him roll his barrel of ambition up hill ; and, if he is a man, he will help you shoulder your bag of worldly gain- gettings. Now, my respectable auditors, let us take a survey of thai an- leavened mass of humanity, called man, destitute of those moral qualities which alone can raise him to prosperity, when once stuck in the mud of embarrassment. He is a poor good-for-nothing spe- cimen of wretchedness; the storms of misery beat through the shattered tenement of his soul — the winds of poverty whistle through his ventilated garments — and his sin-dried bones go about BqueaKmg in their sockets, for the want of a few drops of oil of common honesty. My old jacket, stuffed with the petticoats of 262 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. pious females, would make a man more in keeping with the wis* designs of Providence. A rag baby, fondled in the arms of some mamma's pet, is of more account than such a being. He never can rise more than a few inches above the equilibrium of his fel- low creatures, if even that : and when he is knocked down from the little eminence he might have usurped, there will be no bounce up to him — for he can't jump, more than a mud-turtle ; — he must lie flat on his back and kick, like a squalling brat in a cradle. He may call on the angels of heaven for aid, as he sees them ho- ver over the mansions of the good, but they'll tell him to go te grass, and scrape acquaintance with Nebuchadnezzer — he maj call on dragons to rake him out of purgatory with their fire-hooks; but they won't hazzard their reputations for the sake of gaining such a damaged, worm-eaten pattern of the human figure. De- spised from above, hissed at from below, and shut out from be- tween, a poor mortal like him must crawl along the best way he can ; for T can't help him, unless he will be helped — so help me, shade of my reverend father ! My hearers : I don't mean that, in order to maintain a high el- evation, you should, like Jim Crow, be made of India-rubber ; but I do say that your moral functions should be composed of those ingredients that come the nearest to it, in point of elasticity. These are industry, temperance, honesty, brotherly kindness, and reciprocal love. By the aid of such astringents as those, you can undulate through life, as gently as the mildest wave that rocks it- self to sleep on the ocean's breast ; and the fairest zephyrs of happiness will fan the fevered brow of Care, till you arrive into the cool evenings of existence, where you will all be stricken to earth by the cudgel of Death — and then, with a single bound, spring upward to an eternal home, far above yon silver-winged clouds, which are now shining in the reflection of immortal splen- Uor beyond them. So mote it be! ON THE LOVE OF GAIN. Text. — Kill a mans family and he may brook it, ffi But keep your hands out of his breeches' pocket. Mt dear Hearers : If you haven't yet found it out, it is time foi SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 2(3 you to know that I am the great X-pounder of anything that con- ains a moral. X stands for ten — therefore I am a ten-Dounder, ,vhich is just the sort of gun 3^ou need to keep various kinds of devils from taking your hearts by storm. Just fire me off once a week, and if the enemy are not obliged to stand back, it will be because you don't give me ammunition enough to blaze away af I would, or raise a great smoke, at least. There is nothing, now a-days, like raising a smoke — to make folks believe you do some- thing, whether you do or not. You now and then come across a person who always raises such a smoke that you might take him to be a real volcano — a walking Vesuvius — at a short distance ; but when you come to examine him closely, he is nothing but a mere putf-ball. But what's the odds ? such a fellow is sure to glide down the path of life as sleek as a whistle — and that's what we are, after all. Smoke, my friends, deceives a great many. The British got pretty nicely sucked in, when our Dutch grand- daddies fell to smoking on the Battery, and concealed it beneath the clouds of tobacco fume. I saw a loafer, one frosty morning last winter, smoke a cigar three hours after the fire had gone out — the steam of his own breath looked so much like smoke that he didn't know the difference. The fact is, when a man says, ' 1 knew by the smoke,' &c., you may take it for granted he don't know much about the matter, any way. But I've smoked enough — let me dip into the discourse. My text says that a man can easier put up with the murder of his whole family, than to have another man thrust his thieving digits into his pocket — cause why "? because his rhino lies there ; and his family might as well be manslaughtered at once, as to die for the want of that substance of things hoped for, which, in plain English, is called money — filthy lucre — the root of all evil — but which, after all, is the real stuflT to patch up the coai oi Poverty with — get grub — and procure for us happiness, and all the neces- saries, comforts and luxuries of life. But, my friends, you must go to work rightly and honestly to get money, if you wish to en- joy it. Don't jab your hand rashly into a man's breeches' pocket, because you may not get it out again without chafing some of the skin off. Just wait patiently, till it's forked over to you ; and then you can go on a spree at noDody's expense but your own. B«» pious — he r-oral — be industrious — always stick to my church- • 264 SirjRT PATENT SERMON!. — and you never will lack the wherewith to carry you comftirta- bly over the mountains of such an Alpine existence as is allottfc to Uian. Avoid avarice as you would the itch — it blackballs the soul —freezes up the brooks of charity — putrifies all sympathy — and makes a man poor and despised with all his riches : in shon, it leaves nothinj^ of him but a jacket and trowsers, stuffed with venal chaflT and chopped up straw — a repjular-built scarecrow, it is said that the devil lies down in the miser's chest. Thai's as true as 'tis devilish — and when the old miser raises the lid to droji in a copper, the demon looks up with a grin, and say? : That's right, oltl cock — there isn't half enough yet — get more — keep a getting mort — and you and I will make a division one of these days Ves, there will be a division made, and the poor ricii man wil! ^e. a dose of feul])hur for his share, that will burn blue blazes iindei his no«e tiJJ the sunset of eternity! Only think how delightfjl that will be — for a man to sit in double jet darkness, from ever- lasting to clear beyond everlasting, and road over the eternal cal- ender of his miseries by a torch-light of brimstone and turpentine! 0, it makes my knee-pans jerk to think of it ! My good-looking hearers! don't, for the love of self-mercy, barter away your souls for a few 'ollars ! for just as true as you make a bargain with the devil to this effect, you are gone goslings — for you will always be miserable here, and he will have his clutches on ytu hereafter, and no mistake. You can't cheat hiia you may read your Bibles wh.n your latter end comes, as .huch as you ple.ise, but it will be no go. You must recollect that when the - )evil to 3k Tom Walker, he carried off a small bible iii the pocket of poorToni. It is well known that Satiin always watches over buried gold ; and I want to restrain you from trying to get it for you can't do it without meeting wi.h the fate of poor Tom Walker. Yes you can. by this means only : invoke a cerla n .«]ii. ril that holds pow'er ovei the bevil himself — prove to ia that the money is to be distributed among the poor, and it will come lo your assistance, repeating these words : 'I guide the pale moon's silver wagon, The winds in magic bon.is I hold ; I charm t sleep the crimson dragon. Who loves to watch o'er buried gold.' Very little money is ever obtained this way, howevei , foi thert SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 265 10 a natural narrow-souied selfishness in the breast of nrjan that otten would prompt him (as a ^veste^n editor once remarko(0 tc steal a nigger's physic, were it not for the mere name ot it. My friends, you must prepare for the body as Well as for the fon! ; and, in order to do this genteely, you must be economical — Jen I justly by all — never rob your neighbor of his purse, his good name, his man-servant, his maid-servant, his ass, his wife, and neither seduce his daughters, nor throw stones at his dog. Bo always contented with enough, and thank Provideni.e for that. In a word, you must resort to no skin-flint parsimony, if you wish to be happy in ttie acquirement of earthly treasures, but be as saving as clrcunr.stances will permit, and get all you can honestly. Have charity for the sufferings of your fellow creatures — for there is no preventing sickness and sore toes — they will come upon the just and the unjust. Be kind to one another — have a holy affection for the female sex — support me and my cause, and don't make wry faces when the contribution box comes round. Final I}', pack up your treasures for transportation to a better world, where thieves don't break through and steal, and where no pick-pockets are found to make business for Old Hays. So mote it be. ON THE SPIRIT OF DECAY — ITS EFFECTS ON BEAUTt. Text. — Flowers ! sweet flowers ! ye must cease to bloom, And expire embalmed in your own perfume; E'en your last red blossoms are braided now In the garlands wreaihed for the young briJe's brow. My dear Hearers : I believe I have before sa-d, that where two or three were gathered together in the name of Dow, Jr., there would 1 alway.^ be in the midst of ihem : and so I will, as long hs T am permitted by Providence to stand up, and tell all I know(,ini perhaps a little more) about man in a state of moral nu-iiiv — ex pose the ugly mug of Vice, rig Virtue up in the best of iSunday go-to-meetings, and show to every one the frailty, vanity, enipti n<»ss, notningness and slipperiness of life. Instead ot se..n<^ not more than one or so, gathered together, I behold thojsan'Js aromul me ; and I truly believe that there is not one among you zil^ bit o S66 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. is every way worthy of me and my patent principles. I intef>cl| in this discourse, merely to remind you, that the stoutest one among you will soon wilt down and die, as well as the blooming fljwers of the field. There's no mistake about it; there isn't a turnip which I see in the whole heap of humanity before me but will soon become pithy by age, shrivelled up by time, and worm- eaten by death. Yes, my beloved friends ! everything belonging to this circumvolutionary world is perishable and perishing. If you don't feel it in your bones, take a look over the broad phiz of creation, and be satisfied — ^just walk by the way-side — every dry leaf that rattles, and every stick that cracks beneath your feet, tells you in plain English that a spirit of decay is abroad in the land ; and no one can escape it, though he were to straddle a streak of lightning, and put spurs for the very outskirts of time. The cradle of Spring is first rocked upon the grave of Winter, and blue-nosed Boreas first sings hush-a-by-baby to its frettings. It is soon surrounded with the green leaves of youth, and buds of promise protrude in every direction. Summer comes, and everything looks as lovely and blooming as a young bride just passing the equator of maidenhood and matrimony ; but, my friends, it is not so in Autumn — a change has taken place — blight and mildew are kissing all the paint away from the cheek of Sum- jner — all creation looks sickly — the flowers are dying of consump- tion — the meadows and fields are sick with the yellow jaundice — the rivers look down at the mouth, and the hills have the blues. Thus we see how soon all things pretty and fair must fade, die and dissolve The handsomer a thing is, the shorter lived it is. The loveliest rose that ever bloomed in a lady's bower, wears the seeds of disease in its cheek, and droops to earth much sooner than the hardier and homelier mountain flower, which is formed to brave the storm and breast the rudest winds of Autumn. So it IS, my hearers, with us mortals rn the flesh. The more beautiful tnat carnal lump of sin, called woman, is, the more subject it is to the desolating ravages of decay. Handsome men are also the moBt CiVanescent : they are cut off in the pride of manhood, and their petals of beauty are wrapped up, and laid in the dark cave of death, to decompose and return to their kindred mould. I ne- ver had the vanity to brag of outward magnifieence mysell but just turn me wrong side out, and I shall stand a bright and shining SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 267 Harht, surrounded by the thickest darkness of sin and moral de- pravity. The plainness of exterior causes me to carry a big bun- dle of cares, ills and perplexities over the hard hills of age, with- out sweating, grunting, or even stopping to rest on the road. I expect that when I lie down on the bed of death, I shall feel only a little bit sleepy — give a quiet yawn, stretch out my legs, turn over, and roll gently into the grave, calmly, peacefully and happily; there to lie with the sweetest of roses starting from my pillow, till I am aroused by the horn of Immortality. My dear hearers : every object around us is as fleeting as a flock of pigeons. Behold those beautiful flowers that variegate the meadows, and fill the air with sweeter odors than ever impregnated the breath of happy gods after having made way with a dish of ambrosial soup ! They, frail objects of beauty, can't last long — they are sporting on their own tombs— every dew-drop which the winds shake from their petals, falls down to moisten the clay which is soon to cover over them. They shall cease to bloom ere a few short months have passed away. Old King Frost will shortly implant frozen kisses on their delicate lips, and commit violence upon their frail beauty. They shall die amid their own delightful odors, even as a skunk dieth in the midst of unsmell- able perfume, when pelted by the stones of a beligerent foe. They shall lie embalmed in their own incense, like unto the body of said skunk, while undergoing the philosophical, mysterious and metaphysical changes of dissolution ; even, also, as the nectar of hope and the otto of memory surround the sepulchres of the de- parted just. You, my dear friends, young and old — you of the gentlemen sex — you will soon be cut down by the sickle of death, and all the odors of cavendish and camphor that now vivify your OIL-FACTORIES musl Vanish forever. You, young ladies — you who are thriving like squash vines, and blooming like roses — you, too, shall be crushed down, like a violet beneath the traveller's foot, and expire in the midst of your lavender, your rose-water, your nutmeg, your cinnamon, your hartshorn, and all such church-^'o- ing essences. [That young doctor by the po^t will die of his owil perfume, unless he can stand it better than I can.] My dear hearers: the most acceptable fragrance that ever as. cended to the throne of Heaven is that which is emitted from a piou«, virtuous, noiicst and guileless heart. Therefore, let me ask 268 SHORT PATENT SERMONS of you all to bedeck your moral characters with such flowers at exhale that kind of sweetness which makes glad the licarta of Raints iL the regions of the blest. So mole it be 1 ON THE VICISSITUDES OF LIFE. Text. — Gently has Time matured my fruitful years, Though grief oftwhile hath wrought me much annoy. In the cold grave, with many bitter tears, I laid the head of my warm-liearted boy; And from my side a tenderer friend was torn, \ Leaving the withered tree, of leaf and bud all shorn. Mv Friends: I am growing old. The ever-flapping wing ^f Time is fast brushing off all the silver, with which it has seen fit to cover my head. Yes — every day a white hair falls to the ground, reminding me that, inch by inch, poor mortality must slope away. I have been whittled down to a mere whittling; and the last chip is about ready to drop. I am pack-saddled with a load of years, which I would gladly shake ofl, and be young again, were it only for the fun of the thing — but such a wish is without a core — vain and empty. AVhen my old coat gives evidence of decay, I can get it scoured and mended — a superannuated pair of boots can find renovation in the lap of the cobbler — but when the body grows the worse for wear, no mortal hand can stay its de- struction. Time has used me pretty well, however, considering the liberties I have sometimes taken with it. It has gently brought me to tne calm evening of my days, where life's second twilight gattiers round, and, as it deepens, discloses the hand-writing upon the wall of the west : 'A fair to-morrow for the weary pilgrim.' I have not descended, my friends, into a gloomy vale. Not a bit of It. I have reached the summit of a glorious hill, where the eternal sun of Hope shines down and warms my back, as an otT- eet to tne chill winds that whistle in my bosom. Here I can mount a stump and look over the whole landscape of past exist* ence. I can point to the dim blue horizon, and say, There, be- hiiiu that misty veil, lies the region of infancy, where I first peck- e(' ihe sueil, and came squalling into the world with an eloquence SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 2ti& - • u fondness for you all ; and a deep affection for the souls of tho3e young ladies in that back seat yonder. I have too freq"cntly no- ticed the smiles of levity upon their countenances : their eyea a:e oftener turned to the young men at their right, than upon mu. J cannot see these buds ot purity contaminated: their immor^.&i 272 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. parts are too Deantiful and tender to be exposed to the chill wircTa of the world. I have hopes for them yet. You, young gentle- njen. who are now leaving the flowery lawns of youth, to critvr tlic green bowers of manhood —I warn you never to disseinbl? ; life with yo'i is now a reality, and death will become so, scv.'^r or later. Avoid hypocri.s3- — shun vice — couit virtue — and le. ^.'^^ man of Islington go to Halifax. You, old men — who are sca'.tc.-- ing white hairs upon the grave — whose feet totter — whose cyrcs grow dim — bear with me for a short time longer, while I prep.^ie for you a downy bed, so that you may lie down and rest in ever- lasting peace. So mote it be ! ON FORTITUDE. Text. — Nvmph of the rock ! whose dauntless sp'rit braves The beating storm, and bitter winds that hnwl Round thy cold breast: and hear'st the bui sting waves And the deep thunder with unshaken soul ; come ! and show how vain the rares that press On my weak bosom, and how litiie worth Is the false, fleeting meteor. Happiness. That still misleads the wanJeiers of the earth. My Hkarers: There is nothing like fortitude, in these ha-rd tirucs especially, to throw stiffening into the spiiit of man, and enable it to bear up the fifty-sixes of affliction, poverty, disappointment, and the ten thousand minor vexations that flesh claims cousinship with. It's the main pillar to the wimJ-rocked castle of bunion happiness. I know it is, from experience — and the expeiience of an old veteran in the hard battles of life is not lo be sneezed at by the young and volatile. I have been oftentimes bound to the stake of misfortune, and had the faggots of misery kindled around me ; and had I not been rendered fire-proof by fortitude, I should long ago have flatted down, like a slice of cheese on a hot gridiron. Although these fiery trials have sometimes caused the gravy to start from the pluck, the heart, my dear fnends, has always re mained unscorched. When the long, low, rakish, black-looking Bchooner, Affliction, fir*.t left her moorings in Hell-gate, oi her pi- ratical cruise, the good ship Fortitude spread her white «ails to the (aii brsezes of heaven, crossed the havsn of tranquilityi aac SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 278 poured in such a broadside as to cause her to sheer off with a leaky hull, and the loss of her jib. She is partially conquered, bul not captured. She is yet upon the high seas of man's existence, lying in wait for the weaker craft, and intent upon plunder. To drop all nautical metaphor, fortitude, my hearers, is just the stuff to support a body under all the trials and adversities that fall to the lots of us poor miserable mortals. No matter where you may happen to pitch your tent of fortune, witl it you are always safe. It warms the heart of the forlorn Greenlander, as he sits shivering amid the eternal snows of the arctic, where the sun freezes up for eix long months on a stretch ; it brings refreshing draughts to the lips of the weary wanderer over the burning sands of Africa- infuses new liie into his soul, while Hope adds an O. K. to hit condition: it affords contentment to the indigent squatter of the West, whose home is surrounded by briars, bears, Indians and Brandon shinplasters : it blunts the edge of ridicule, pulls out the «tings of poverty, saws off the bills of mosquitoes, paints up the ugiy phiz of Fear, smoothes down the wrinkled front of Care, and helps a man pay hie debts. Fortitude endures fong and accom- plishes much — slow but sure — as ifi testified by the executive ^hair of the good old state of Massachusetts, Its ex-occupant, my friends, had suffered long, endured much, and came being pretty nearly used up ; but by dint of patience, perseverance and fortitude, he at last made out to paddle his empty fifteen gallon cask up the creek of democracy, and finally succeeded in bringing the striped pig to a fine rr.arket. I* only mention this by way of showing what fortitude, well stuck to, is capable of producing j because it is a most singular circumstance — inasmuch as fortitude, generally speaking, has no more effect on politics than the bible has on a steamboat boiler ; and all for the very reason that politi- cians, at the present day, are for the most part too tee-totally de- void of virtue, and unpracticed in the mere rudiments of comrnoa honesty. (). my dear friends, you must live soberly, morally, virtuously, and abhor vice in every shape, or you never can possess fortitude enough to meet a single ill with any assurance of victory. Per- haps you may wonder why 1 don't oftener speak to you about re- ligion. That isn't in my line — I leave that to those who go about oreaching for money, contrary to the command and example of 18 274 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. him jn whose footsteps they pretend to tread : but there is lellpion "n all 1 say — and if you will only practice according to my pre- cepts, yoa will need no better. It answers every purpose — is good enough to live by, and will do, on a pinch, to die by. I preach up strict virtue ; and if there is no religion in virtue, then there ia Lo virtue in religion. Therefore, do as I recommend, and prepare in the heart a good foundation for fortitude, by lining its bottom with genuine moral principles ; for fortitude, when mixed up with a little faith, acts on the high pressure system in working won- ders. It is, as my text says, the nymph of the rock, whose un- daunted spirit braves the beating storm of woe, and the bitter winds of affliction that howl round its cold breast ; it hears the bursting waves, and the deep thunder, without caring a copper; it shows how insignificantly vain and juothingfied are those insect cares that pat against the windows of the heart ; and how litile worth is the false fleeting meteor, happiness — that happiness which leads so many foolish children of mortality astray. To conclude, let me beseech of yea to collect a good quantity of fortitude — not merely enough to carry you through the troubles and trials of another week, till we meet again, but sufficient to hold out till we part forever. So mote it be ! ON YOUTHFUL LOVE. « Text. — 0, the days are gone, when beauty bright Its heart-chain wove — When all my dreams, from morn till night, Were love, still love ! My Hearers : I don't know how you feel on this subject — but i must confess, it sets this rusty old heart of mine a-leaking consid- erably, to think of the days when I was young, happy and buoy- ant — of the time when my breast contained a genial soil for the flowers of love to take root, bud and blossom in. But those days are gone — for ever gone ! They shot by like a steamboat that cleaves the peaceful w^ave, and leaves a train of billows behind. My bosom is fast becoming a barren waste ; its blossoms have all decayed, and a few thorns and thistles have sprung up in tlieil pi?"*. The vogetation upon my cranium has been nipped by the fHORT PATENT SERMONS. 275 frosts of age ; and the ola reaper, Time, will soon take the whole swod into his garner. To reflect on the enjoyment of the past and dwell on the present, makes me feel amazing juicy round the ritals : it sets all the pumps of sympathy to work — and you must excuse these childish tears that force their way through the visual aqueducts, and hasten down the worn channels of my cheek — for I can't help it ; they will come — and I might as well think of damming up the Mississippi with a brush fence, as to try to stop them. I was once young, and loved all the girl genus with ths tallest kind of girl-anthropy. They wove a chain that bound my heart in a bondage of bliss ; and it was partly on their account that I took up preaching — for I thought it better that ninety and nine of my fellow men should suffer, than let one of these lovely, beautiful, angelic beings, be cast down and trampled upon by the iron-shod demons of vice. The old roots of affection are still left within me; and since the boisterous waves of passion have subsided, the moral faculties predominate — and I now set myself up as an eradicptor of evil — a corrector of error — a refrigerator of boiling wrath — a thermometer of feeling— a defender of the faith — and protector-in-chief of the women ! My young hearers : I have a few words to say to you. Listen ' You are now in the season of life when the heart is filled with the fondest of delights. Your dreams from morn till night may be said to be nothing but love, still love ; and it gives me a supera- bundance of joy to know and experience, even now, the sensa- tions that fill your breasts, while reveling in the sweets of natural affection. You are always happy, and still expect to be happier. Sparkling eyes, blooming cheeks, ruby lips, and slender waists, are ever depicted before you, and your whole souls are wrapped up in the silken fabric of love. But, my young friends, you must be cautious of your steps — the flowers from which you gather the honey grow among brambles ; and if you rush headlong into the thicket, look sharp, or you'll get scratched a few. I've seen a fly light upoii a molasses cup — dive rashly down to the fountain, and kick the bucket on the very surface of all its desires. I've seen a thoughtless moth flutter round the alluring blaze, till it scorched Its wings, and still continued to 'court the fatal fire,' till it fell a victim to its own recklessness. In pursuing the jack-o'-lantern love, you are likely to be led into the swamps and marshes ; and 276 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. §ome «f tnefse. slough holes are more miry than the cat-tail .nea dows of Jersey, in April ; and heaven knows they are not firm enough to bear up the weight of a foolish man's argument. If you w'ish to get through the mazes of love nicely, smoothly and happily, you must sip lightly of its sweets, and not get drunken with its pleasures — be an admirer rather than a partaker of every fruit that grows in its garden — and, above all, fix upon some par- ticular object to love, cherish and admire, so that when you enter the more shady walks of matrimony, joined hand to hand and heart to heart with the partner of your bosom, you can look back with fond regrets upon the days that are gone, and at the same time, be happy in the midst of connubial joys. That's the case with me — only my wife has been dead these ten years. , My hearers, one and all — Love, Peace and Harmony are the triune sisters that administer all the comforts of this world, and are given by Providence to conduct us quietly through life. The first scatters roses along our path — the second brings us anodyne to soothe distress — and the third plays an air that we can march by and never be weary. We must all love one another, an 1 dwell in perfect unison. Let us have no wi angling among us — .ve will leave that for politicians ; but as they say, let us do — give a pull, a long pull, a strong pull, and a pull all together — and we wiU certainly make a raise sufficient to supply all wants and necessi- ties, when the days of beauty are gone, and when the time draws nigh for us to emigrate to a better and happier land. So mote it be! Text. — think of the miseries to which ye give birth, Ye cold-hearted statesmen — unknowing a scar ! Who, from pictured saloon, or the bright sculptured hearth, Disperse desolation and death through the earth, When ye let loose the demons of war. ftli Dear Friends: Wha; do you know about war ? Did you ever shoulder arms, and march to the battle field, with a firm reso- lution to return with the trophy of victory, or lie down in the arms of death, covered *vilh the laurels of the brave 1 Did you ev«i SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 277 j^rapple with the famished war-dogs that howl over the fleshlp«« bones of the slain, and are furious to lap the warm blood of mar tyrs in the blest cause of freedom 1 If you nev^er did, you know precious little about the horrors of war, I tell ye ! I know weli enough that you are no more acquainted with the fighting-cock and tear-to-pieces dispositions of Mars and Bellona than I am with the pyrotechnic arts of the Evil One. No — my friends! you are fattening on the nuts of liberty, that are abundantly scattered over the soil which your ancestors have enriched with their blood— you sit under your own vine, and your own fig tree, sipping the wine of pleasure, eating the bread of peace, with a clear sky above and no snakes in the grass to bite the naked heel of independence You hear of wars and rumors of war — but what odds does that make so long as the pestilential scourge is not driven to our shores by the blasts of conflicting nations ? It is a glorious sight, my friends, to see the proud bird of liberty soaring over, and looking down upon, a nation, happy, free and prosperous, with the olive branch of peace in his talons ! I venerate the American eagle- his head, like my own, has grown bald in watching over a na tion's weal. I respect him none the less because England deno minates him a big turkey-buzzard, watching the best interests of America, as a cat does a mouse. Let me ask, what has England to boast of ? She has her Queen Victoria — and who is Queen Victoria ? — and what does she know about war 1 — as much as she, or any other girl does about managing the affairs of govern- ment — and that's just e'enamost nothing at all. She isn't half so pretty as the girl who does my ironing; and I don't believe she knows a terrible sight more — if she is married to the hat and cloak of a prince. Yet she is placed on a throne of crimson ana scar- let, embroidered with silver and gold, around which fools and sy- cophant courtiers gather to pay homage to a girl, who is as big a fool as themselves if she doesn't henpeck the whole king- dom. I say her subjects are fools, becauw they lack common sense, with all their boasted enlightenment. They know well enough that man is ordained by heaven to be the head of woman ; jind yet they place a sill} girl upon the throne to oversee those who do that kind of work which she don't know anything about — ana it was never intended she should ! It makes me sick to Uiink abf ut such stupidity. Did Eve order Adam about in the 278 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. pirden of Eden ? No. Do men, when they lay cut cities and project canals, ask the advice of some pretty girl ^ No. Then why will some rob a female of all moral loveliness by turning her cut of her proper sphere, and clothing her with those attributej which becc me a man, but degrade a woman 1 If John BulJ, how ever, has a mind to let Queen Victoria wear his breeches, it's nunc of my bread and butter. Let her go ahead; but depend upon it. ^hat if grim-visaged war walks into her affections, there will be i cry among the people, like that of the fabled frogs, for Jupitei to send them a ruler, who has real power, as well as imaginary influence. A lot of sea-gulls idly flapping around the thrones of monarchies, portend evil; but when we see the courageous eagle extending his broad pinions over a thriving republic, we have no- thing to fear, ft was not so with Rome — her unhappy bird sat forever perched upon a pole, with its wings closed, and calmly looked down on the death struggle of liberty, without raising a feather in its behalf. It never spread its wings to the fair winds of freedom, but remained sad and motionless; and, at last, v/as borne into exile, with Napoleon, its capturer — where it sickeneo and died, on the sea-beaten rock of St. Helena ! My beloved hearers : my voice is very still for war, but loua for peace. There is no use in our going to war, and killing each other, like a parcel of bed-bugs ; for we shall die in season to make room for more. When death and destruction sweep like a hurricane across the land — when our daughters are hunted down, like innocent hares, by the hell-hounds of war — when the spoiler comes to ravish our homes, sow tares in our wheat, cast our bread to the dogs, and play the deuce with our ducks — then, my broth- len, it may be all fun to the statesmen, but death to us. [Vide frogs, again.] Don't fight, my dear friends, so long as you can help it — but when you do come to the scratch, go it strong ! let the pluck predominate! go it on the steam principle — beat or Vurst ! If you beat, glory and honor are yours ; — if you burst, you have the honor, without the glory, of sacrificing life for the sake of your country, homes, wives, children and sweethearts. On the second, sober thought, my friends, I'll advise you not to fight at all. It's unchristianly ungentlemanly and beastly, Re- memb tr, Satan once showed fignt in the boundless saloon of hea- ven- -and the consequence was, he got kicked out, into a region SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 279 of double-distilled darkness. I assert, that an affectioudte wife had much better be des ittite of a home, and wander with hei hus- band over the desert of penury, than to have h m kick the bucket and die in providing for her comfort. I know that cold, unfeeling statesmen, who have never known a »car, would oftentimes be glad to see the demons of war laying waste our fair gardens of prosperity, reckless of their blood-stained tracks and the horrors they leave behind. They would delight in taking Monsieur Tonson by the moustachios, or in poking sticks at Victoria's pet monkey, if they could raise a breeze by it. But, my hearers, let statesmen go on as they please — we are determined to dwell in peace and amity — we have saluted each other with a friendly kiss, and shaken hands with surrounding nations We have swept the seeds of war into a single corner — Florida — and she will shake herself, by and by, as a lion shaketh his niane, an<^ bury all her troubles in the Atlantic wave. Improvement ij fol- lowing the pioneer, Peace, and working wonders throughout the land; and if we can only stick together, like brothers and slsteis, we shall yet become a touch above the vulgar — and nc mistake. I'd like to have you, my little flock, set a pattern for the whole nation. Be united — have no quarreling — less fighting ; if a man calls you a fool, call him a gentleman — give a kiss for a blow, un- less it's a rouser — be moral, virtuous, pious, and especially encou- rage matrimony ; so that, in times of peace and plenty, tillers of the ground may not be lacking, after the reaper, Death, has gath- ered his annual harvest into the grave. So mote it be ! ON THE MECHANISM OF THE BODY. Text. — Man's body's like a house : his greater bones Are the main timber; and the lesser ones Are smaller joints: his ribs are laths daubed o'er, Plastered with flesh and blood; his mouth's the aoor, His throat's the narrow entry, and his heart Is the great chamber, full of curious art. Relovei) Hearers : Perhaps you never scraped a particular ac- quaintance with the thought that every mother's son of you are locomotive houses, or buildings of some kind or other. Well, it'« ■ust as true as my name is Dow. Some folks are walking pal:i(r!H 280 SHOUT PATENT SERMONS. — such as are handsome, well painted, look showy, and live in hip:h grass: some are common dwellings — such as look and dress plain, don't pretend to much, and are content with almost any kind of food, from bean porridge up to fried eels : some are mere ho- vels — such as are out of cash, out of doors, and outai the eibow^s, down at the mouth, down at the heel, and who beat along, head horizontal, through the cold storms of poverty. Some are grog shops — such as nnake small beer buts, wine pipes, gin casks and brandy bottles of themselves. There are too many of these tra- velling porter-houses going about now-a-days ; but they can't keep open long — Death will soon shut 'em up, and stick ' To Let, In- quire Below,' on their shells. Some people are temples, consecrated to holiness, in which Con- science preaches truth, morality, and the doctrine of Do as you'd be done by — ^just as I do, most gratuitously gratis. I feel a little «pruce, myself, about being one of these living temples; and I dcn't mean that any but the family of Virtue shall ever find a pew in its walls. I know the old building begins to totter some — but, thank Heaven, it leans to the right side ! When Death knocks oat my underpinning, I mean to fall (if I can) like the walls of a burning house — away from the flames. I wish you would all look out for your shanties in the same way. Remember they ara not insured. Now, my friends, allow me to explain how the human body is likened to a house. My text does this. It says that the big bones are the main timbers — very true. It says, also, the ribs are laths, •well plastered ; but I should say they were rafters, that run into the ridge-pole, or back-bone. The mouth is the door, and the nose is the chimney — especially for smokers. The throat is the entry that leads to the kitchen of the stomach, where all sorts of lood is cooked up : the lungs are the bellows that blow the flame of life, and keep the pot of existence boiling : the heart is the great chamber, where the greatest variety of goods imaginable are stored — some good, many bad, and a few kinder middling. In this way, my hearers, you see the house of the human body is formed ; and since it is a house of no small value, you ought to be careful of it — keep it well swep^ and dusted, and never let the cobwebs of sin gather in tlA corners of its apartments. The gable-end of It should never front the street, neither should its two windowi SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 281 look out upon the swamps of vice. But, my friends, 1 beiesLn yoa to look after the great chamber of the heart, Jind ce?, '.nM everythinj^ there is arranged according to the very letter c/ :no;al- tty. If there is any useless rubbisb there, clear it out to make rooTi for goods that are saleable ii the markets of the vi *tuous. The chambers of some hearts present an awful dirty appes-iance! r ohould like to walk into them with a bran new broom — the way I'd brush out sin, and san»I the floor with piety, would astonish church members. Belcfed brethren : the hccirt is truly a depository for both good and evil, but it should be the sanctum of purity— and, for my part, I don't see the necessity of having so much trash deposited there, as is apt to be the case. I never can admire j)eop]e who are eternally bragging about what is contained in the temples of their hearts, and, at the same time, keep its doors closed as tight as a ballot-box. Just let them open the doors of frankness, let me take a squint therein, and I can tell whether their moral property is what it's cracked up to be, in two shakes of a fiddler's elbow. Give me the heart that is free to the inspection of man, as well as to the eye of Heaven — one fhat is well stored with the fruits of honesty, the gems of piety, and the elixir of love — but keep clear with those that are filled with the tears of deceit, the poisoned ar- rows of calumny, and the Devil's death-drops. I think the heart of woman naturally contains a good quantity of simplicity (a first rate recommendation), though she is obliged to allow cunning guile to lodge there, in order to come it over, nicely, the rascally designs of man. For all this, it is a palace strewn with flowers, wheie the little funny god, Cupid, conceals himself in his rosy castle, and lets fly an arrow at the unconscious visitor, which, as soma poet says, tickles mightily while it wounds. It's hard to take his fortress by storm — a few ladles of soft soap have been knocked down to gain so important a victory Now, my hearers, do look out for your frail tenements, and see that they do not become worm-eaten through sin ; for the time will '.ome soon enough when the timbers shall fail — the windows be darkened — tne doors closed, and the fires extinguished. Then may the spir/t tha^ inhabits it be prepared for a snugger and mo# comfortable abode, where the rent will be required in advance- - extending from everlasting to everlasting. So mote it be! 5n4 SHORT PATEXT C3?c:.IC-N3. ON THE MILITIA SYSTEM. T«AT,.--Tl.e Comn.andant of Brigade feels an assjinncc t.iat 'l In o.ily p.ecessary to fully protnulgate, to his command, the faTl tpst the main arm of city defence are to exhibit to the Cojt;- r/it::idef-in-Chief the united forces of the infantry of the city^ 5.nd a proper esprit de corps will prevail, from the rank and 5ie up to the highest in command, and cause each coips to sustain the character of the citizen-soldier, enrolled under thft freeman's banner. And as uniformity always adds to the ap- pearance of the ununiformed co:f:, it is recommended that the rank and file appear in dark cou.o j^id light pantaloons on the day of general parade. — [Militia Notice. Ffllow Sol 1 beg ten thousand pardons — I mean my worthy hearers ! — You must excuse me, this time, for selecting a text in plain prose. I'm not in the habit of doing it, but the importance of the subject renders it absolutely necessary that somebody of about my weight and wind should say or do something in its be- half ; and though I am too old myself to do military duty, yet I feel as patriotic as ever — and, even now, sliould the w^orst come to the '//orstest, dang my pulpit if I wouldn't shoulder my muskei, and "wade up to the conjunction of my trowsers' legs in biooa, fiooner than see one inch of the soil that gave me birth and free- dom violated by an invading foe ! Them's my sentiments, my friends — and yours ought to be of the same pattern. Love or country is an natural as the love that exists between the sexes — and as none but the brave deserve the fair, and a faint heart never wins fair lady — so none but the pluckiest of the pluckitied is qualified to defend his country from the encroachment of aggres- sors. My friends — you must all have hard currency sufficient in your phizes to be able to look at an enemy, without blushing for fear and cowardice. Only think, my hearers, what the situation of our country was before the mighty and puissant arm of our glorious militia rescued it from British tyranny ! Then the fair winds of Freedom were tainted by the fcctid breath of oppression, long before they reached the American shore : although Mother England clasped the new- born babe to her breast, and nursed it at first with maternal ten- derness, yet she seemed to forget that it would one day need to be divested of its swaddling clothes, and look for sustenance at his owr t ands. Yes, she wished to keep it alw^ays tied to her apron citings, and feed it forever on par), but the child has broken \U SHOnT PATENT SKKWOVW. ^^ bondc — hr»« arrived ai infle.v'ble manhood — and .ir^Tr ^ihzz Jc':'-. Bull, and all his minions, to lay him on his hack ! Jor.r.117 ovn': without feeling symptoms of indignation, upon the time when it was told us that our sun of liberty had set for ever, and we must light up the lamps of industry and economy ? Ay, that snr< did set, but, thank God, to rise again with unwonted brightness over the happy plains of disenthralled America ! Though Brother Jon- athan was obliged for a time to carry a burden, he was not an as3 to be overlad*»n without kicking at the oppressor. How like Csesai we were taxed then ! a tax v/as laid upon almost everything, ex- cept dogs, snow-storms and thunder-showers. A man could hardly kiss his wife, then, v/ithout being taxed for it ; but the worst of all taxes was the tax imposed on my favorite beverage, tea. This, my friends, was a species of robbery exceedingly annoying to us men, and particularly grinding to the ladies — and you know verv well that when the rights and privileges of the fair sex are in- vaded, the combustible spirit of Yankeeism is always aroused to vengeance. It was partly for their sakes that we first sounded the war-horn, and lit up the fires of the Revolution ; and the smoke tnat ascended from Bunker Hill bor? upon its columns the cata- logue of their wrongs up to heaven, and angels of mercy came down to adjust them. Now, my he^rers, just reflect upon what your forefathers have done for you. They have enriched the soil with their blocd, and gained for you those liberties you enjoy ; and the bones of martyrs, that now lie bleaching upon the wave- washed shore, are solemn mementos of the sacrifices made ujion our country's altir. Think ujipn these, and consider whether you ought not to be always ready to do and r.ct as they have done be- fore you. V/hen the man who has the honor of giving Jolkc uo- tice to train comec to warn you out, don't try .0 snea't off bv«iy. iiig that you have corns on your toec, and thf-efore ca.n'i iieM jp hk« a soldier; but turn out — shoulder arms — and gh'w toe li-jng (ftne ation how smart their daddies can be when necer.sit^ requires *>^i SHORT PATENT SERMONS 'i The niilUia is ihs bulwark of our countiy — and ir.}- text savt It A-'i: lli3 iTjain arm of our city's defence. That am a fact. Ou? rr.r.lc-and- water independent companies are regular L dies' r-fT.— YOiy prcUy, and very foolish — too timid to fight — too la/.y lo r\n -. Out ycn^ ic^j militia friends — yon, I say, are the big guns of v/: i. Jji\ yon ha'"'e to do is to form a line in the field (as straight as you cr,n when sober), ground arms, and stare your foes in the face * s,nd if there isn't a scattering among them then, it will be becaase they don't believe in the existence of ghosts, gobbiins and sjn'rits damned. Yes, you are a whole team, and a dnim-major to sj>are: and well may the eagle, the mountain bird of liberty, look down V/ith exultation upon so valiant a corps, and glory in the thought that the same spirit is still alive which raised him to his lofty eyrie, and placed in his talons the olive of peace ! The text also insin- uates that some of you should dress uniform, as it gives ' unifor- •^ity' to an 'ununiformed corps.' I go in for that strong; and 1 advise each of you to wear some kind of uniform, or other. If you can't get a black coat and white pantaloons, wear a white coat and black pantaloons — but, above all things, don't go on the grouud with dirty shirts — for I have seen a militia corporal in sucn a condition that if he were to take a retrospective view cf hia pants, he would find they needed back-stitching a few. My beloved hearers : as most of you are liable to do military duty, let me tell you how to act : go on the parade without a mur- mur — carry a gun that has a lock — dress decently — and, in line, act as the present law directs, till we get a better one. So mote it be ! ON THE COMFORTS OF A WINTER EVENING. Text. — In winter's tedious nights sit thou by the fire. With 5ood old folks, and let them te 1 thee tales Of a^Tts long ago betide. My Hearero: It affords me an expansion of pleasure to see witt what rapidity my congregation r.ugmer.ts. You are getting tc h». monstrous bulky — and now I want you should fetch up in quaKtv IS fast as it^ convenient — and a little faster. I said, in the oegm- nmg, that, where two or three were gatiicret together in my cauwfc SHORT pat]p:xt sermons. 28S there would I be in the midst of them — and I've stuck to my won like a guiJe-bor.rd. Instead oi there being only two or three in my collection, i can number thousands; and, what is moie, new converts are added every SuiidA,y. This all comes from not being discouraged wiih a small fleck to begin with. Why, if there hadn't been mere than one gathered together, I'd been among him till this day. There are no two ways about that. My v;orchy friends : you who are destitute of flannels, must allov/ that thi words of my text have a very comfortable sound iL tnis chilly reason of the year. They fall upon the heart with a vivilying influence, and cause it to nestle in its frosty domicil, like a black cat rubbing against the window pane to catch the warm rays of the winter's sun. The man who first found out the use of fire should have his name written with a red-hot poker on every cook shop and iron foundry in the country — and his fame he emblazoned forth to the utmost isles of the sea. But we don't know who the chap was, nor when that enlightened era took place. Figuratively speaking, it must have been about 123,456,- 789,000,000,050 years ago — not far from it either way — at any rate there have been two New Eras since then. It makes no odds when it was — we are blest with this Useful element, and should be thankful for it. Without it we should all freeze up and lie torpid during the long winter season, to thaw out again in the spring, like a nest of snakes — that is, all that didn't winter-kill. Ay, my dear friends, we couldn't get over this cold quarter without the aid of a little rr.ore caloric than even a love-sick heart contains ; but seeing new that we have the comfortable proiocior, and besides various other comforters to make no comfortable, the question arises, how shall we spend thsss uncomfortable months, so as to experience that comfort which, is the most comfortable : [I ad- dress myself now to the younger portion of my audience.] In the tedious winter nights, whtn frozen-nosed Boreas comes blow- ing his icy f.ngers round your dwellings, whicTlIing ' whew-ew-w" in consequence of the cold, which is the best \fay to spend your moments, my young hearers 1 Supposing you go sieigh-rlding, lots of you — two or three layers deep, composed of boys and girls, in one sleigh- — that w^ouldn't answer; because there is apt to be too much love and levity abroad — and you grow thoughtless and reckless — drive licker-te-split, whip-a-te-whip, as though t^t 286 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. old Harry was on skates, behind— sleigh suddenly runs on a *riC'.i bank, whops over, and spills all its live stock — thereby caiisi.'.g bloody noses, bruised shins, smashed bonnets^ and perchance dcir» some damage to the moral faculties. That don't do, my youif g ^sends — there is neither religion nor corcforl in it. Suppo.=irjj you go to balls, parties, and assemblies — there is too much wi-ie, riveetmeats and sham-kissins: indulged in: and you are good far liOthing the next day. Supposmg the fellows go skating by moon- light — that don't do either: because their heads are not Ii^^rd enough to break the ice ; for, when two bodies meet, conciissive >, the sotter must give way. So ye see there are but lew way:< lo spend a bitter winter evening really comfortable after all : biit J think my friend Shakspere has suggested the best pian, and I'\ tell you about on what kind of a night you can best enjo;' his plan. Take one when it is cold enough, out, to stop a steam en gine — when the howling blasts of the frigid north come ruohing With fearful fury, and chase the snowy billows over the desert pl'iin — when the spikes start from the outer casement with the frost : and, as my author has it, ' When icicles hang by the wall. And Dick, the shepherd, blows his nail, And Tom bears logs into the hall, And milk comes frozen home in pail ; When blood is nipped, and ways be foul, When nightly sings the staring owl, Tu whoo ; Tu-whit, tu-whoo, a merry note, While greasy Joan doth knell the pot.' Ye3, that's the time — for what ? why tc r.it by the fire witn ^joti old folks : and let them tell you all about th-i times that used lo v/as— and how much piety, sobriety, morality, ri^odesty and con- tei}tmcnt, were prevalent in those days. Old folks arc generally good— if ♦hey \vere not, they wouk.n't live so long, [I'm getting^ oldifh.] and they are the best company for young folks. How pleasant 'tis to picture a hreside scene like the above 1 Let's look at .t — here is a great log fire, blazing a^vay likj sixty- -here lie? dog Caesar, stretched out before it — here sits granny in the corner, enoozing over a budget of eighty years — there is the good wife, with her knitting work — there is the old man, studying the alma- nac to know the weather next week — here is bubby, in the li'tle SHORT PATENT SERMONS. JW7 board chair, warming his toes to go to bed — and youn^ pcopJe. of both sexes, fill up the chinks, all in a jovial mood. Here tLey gain instruction from the experience of the aged — listen to tht.'r oft-told tales of virtue rewarded and vice condemned — and lca;:i from them how to spend the summer of their days, so that the winter of life may be passed in peace and happiness. Now, mj young friends, I wish you to bear this in mind, all through tht coming winter — ^join the companionship of old folks, and keep out of mischief as much as possible — and when spring returns, to clothe the fields with verdure, you may — all go to grass, for aught I care. So mote it be ! N. B. — I lately went across from Broadway to Chatham street; and when I got down as far as Jericho, 1 became convinced that the folks there needed my preaching some. The little ragged ur- chins ran hooting after me, ' There goes old Dow — there he goes : let's stone him !' I swung my cane at half a bushel of them, but they all dodged it. Every soul there is leg deep in the mud of pollution. ON woman's love. Text. — Women talk of love for fashion. So they do of spirits walking; But no more they feel the passion, Than see the ghost of which they're talking. My Hearers : I feel as short as pie-crust I mean to put it to all the women in creation, in the hardest kind of style, because I have my reasons for it. I called on Mrs. Upstart the other day, and got to reasoning with her on topics of love, virtue, preaching, piety, and other matters in my line of business ; and all at once she flew into a whirlwind, and raged awfully for a minute or two. Says she to me, 'Mr. Dow, you are a hyperbolicd eld hypocrite, and if you don't budge out of my house, I'll give you a piacticai illustration of female influence !' Whereupon I picked up my cane and made tracks, determined to express my sentiments in re- gard to woman's love — and so I will. I may think differently when 1 get over this fit : but as it is, I mean togive the whole pet 288 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. .icoat tribe a regular stirring up — and they might as well take it easy, as to make up m.ouths about it. Women, my hearers, always like to be jabbering over matters ihat they don't know anything about. They know as much about iove as they do about the Florida war — and that's all hearsay ; yet to hear silly girls for ever and eternally tal-j'-g about Cupid, hearts, darts, and the tender passion, a body would naturally sup pose that the little lovegod had feathered his r.ect in their prett) bosoms (I must call them pretty), and only went out on venereal errands, to return at the biddirg of hi*, ii^ictresses. But I say, the birth, habitation and lodging-iIj,:3 of Cupid is in the quiet and secret chamber of man's own heart. He is only set at liberty oc- casionally to sport for an hour or so among the fruil flowers of womanhood, to gj\ilier from each, like the bee, a few particles of honey. Yes, my friends, man, alone, is the parent and possessor of love. It is a thing of reality with him — with woman it is the illegitimate child of fancy. A girl may feel happy in the warm light of a lover's smile, and show something like affection for him ; but that isn't love : it don't begin to be. She should feel a sort of crawling all over, like a bunch of carded wool on a hot stove — she should feel as if her heart-strings were made of India-rub- ber, and kept stretching out — she should feel as if she wanted to die for something, and didn't care what — she should feel as if she was climbing up to smell of roses, while thorns were tickling her under the short ribs — she should feel sick at the stomach about sundown, when angels of love are furling their golden pinions be- hind the crimson curtains of the west, to lake a comfortable snooze on the gay pillows of amber — in short, for a girl to be in love, she should feel pretty queer: I know exactly how she should feel, and yet I can't exj ress it. To give you some idea of it, she should feel some how or other as if she kinder wanted to, and didn't want to. That's as near as t can get at it. She knows what it is to be loved, but she hasn't the skin of an idea of knowing what it is to love. Women go through the whole routine of love as i.f it were a mechanical matter of form. Their kisses appear to have been Tianufactuied and laid by for the occasion, till they are cold and inadhesive. Men's rise spontaneously from the heart, soft, warm and pliable, u.:\d oticl: like wsx. So mote it bs! THE E^D.