[15 CENTS. T^anE VARIETY STAGE. i I ISTo. 13. liWHOGOTTHEHG? NEW YORK: Happy Hours Company, Publishers, No. 1 Chambers Street. SasSSBSSB / How f e Imiii Onr Private Theatricals. In which will be found plain directions for the construction and arrangement of the Stage, painting the Scenery, getting up the Costumes, making the Properties and Accessories, Hints on Stage Effects, full and complete instructions for making Calcium Lights, etc., etc., with numerous illustrations and diagrams. To which is added "Penelope Anne," a roaring farce for home performance. Prepared for the use of schools, private families, and dramatic clubs. Price ^5 Cents. The Actor's Art. Its Itequisites and how to obtain them, its Defects and how to remove them. Containing clear and full directions in every branch of the Art; with complete and 1'aluable instructions for beginners, relative to rehearsals, entrances and exits, gen- eral hints on action, qualities of voice, etc. , etc. In short, an indispensable book to the amateur. Price 15 Cents. Parlor TaMeam ; or, Aniinatei Pictures. For the use of Families, Schools and Public Exhibitions. Containing about eighty popular subjects, with plain and explicit directions for arranging the stage, dress- ing-room, lights, full descriptions of costumes, duties of stage manager, properties and scenery required, and all the necessary directions for getting them up, so that any one can act in them. Evei-ythingis stated in a plain, simple manner, so that it will be easily understood ; everything like style or unnecessary show has ben avoid- ed, in order that all may readily grasp at the author's meaning. Eor public or private entertainment, there is nothing which is so interesting and instructive as the tableaux. Price 25 Cents. Slaflof Pantofflimes ; or, Harlepin in ine Sliafle. How to get them up and how to act in them ; with full and concise instructions and numerous Illustrations. Also fuU and complete descriptions of properties and costumes. It has been the aim of the author to provide harmless home amusement for old and young, excluding eveiything objectionable to sound morality and good home training. By Tony Denier, Pantomimist, author of "Tony Denier's Parlor Pantomimes," "Amateur's Guide," etc. Price 585 Cents. Tie Stmp Speaker. Being a collection of Comic Speeches and Recitations, Bm-lesque Orations, Stump Speeches, Laughable Scenes, Humorous Lectures, Button-Bursting "Witticisms, Ei- diculous Drolleries, Funny Stories, etc., etc., translated into the four modern lan- guages — Yankee, Dutch, Irish, and Ethiopian — for the convenience of the public at large. Price 15 Cents. yentrilopisn Made Easy, aM The SecoiiA-SigM Mystery, As practiced by Robert Heller and others, fully explained. In this little volume we place all the wondtrs of Ventriloquism at the command of om- young friends. Price J55 Cents. Either of the above will he sent hy mail, post-paid, on receipt of the price, hy HAPPY HOURS COMPANY, No. 1 Chambers St., New York. TELE VA.]RIETY STA.GE. WHO GOT THE PIG? AN lEISH SKETCH IN ONE SCENE, ^■^ BY BIppESMOTT &> Trouble. NEW YORK: (^.^!tl/afi/31^ HAPPY HOURS COMPANY, iri^3 CHAMBERS STREET, t^b' ^6 "p5 ^^ WHO GOT THE PIG? CHAEAOTEKS. Pat McGiknis. Mtt^t; Haggebty. fouoeman. Maby Ank MgGikitis. COSTUMES.— Ad Lib. PROPERTIES. Table, set for dinner. Carving knife on table. Two chairs. Din- ner to bring on. Folded paper (legal style) for Fouoeman. Blan- ket, bonnet and poker for Fat. Eatered according to act of Congress in'the year 1875, by Happv Hours Company, la the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. V Tbeire in no cbargo for tbe perfomance of iUn sketcb. WHO GOT THE PIG? ScBNE. — Boom in Pat M'Ginnis' house, in third grooves. Windou>\ L.r,, door b.f. Table set for dinner c. Carving knife on table. Chairs b. and l. of table. Mary Ann M'Ginnis discovered at window. Mary A. 1 wondher what does be kapeiu' Pat 60 late ? Ho wint out wid that red faced young chap, wid the toight panta and stroiped Picadilly collar, that gev him the paper wid wroitin' on it. It's af- ther wan o'clock now, for I heerd Larry Dooley batein' his woife, an' he always does it afther dinner before he goes back to work. Faith, that Dooley's a blaggard ! God knows, av I wor his woife, I wud- dent Stan' any of his hoigh an' nioighty ways. Bad scran to him for a red-h«aded hack driver ! iver since he won the twinty dollars play- in' policy, the sthreet's too small to hould him. There's some peo- ple niver can etan' prosperity, anyway. There was ould M'Cabe, whin his woife died he was dhrunk for a month, till he'd pawned ivery rag she had left him ; an' little Jerry Kooncy, oh, powers of mercy ! he's been on his hoigh horse for near a year now, bekase ho won a mule at a raffle^althongh the baste did die av tho epizooty an' him have to pay foive dollars to bury it. Well, av Pat don't come home soon, he won't have any dinner ; the pot's been so long on the foire it's near all evaporated into stame up the chimbley. Faith, av it kapes on much longer it'll rain Irish stew in this neigh- borhood. (Rdt R. Fj^Tputs his head in at toindoio in r. Pat. (Looking around.) Plase the pigs, there's nobody here, (Listens.) Ha ! I've gev 'em the slip. 4 WHO GOT THB PIG? Enter Pat M'Ginnis, d.p. Pat Pheugh ! wheugh ! phoo ! Faith, I've conthracted a plapita- tion av the heart wid that run. What wid that, an' sittin' all day in coort, lis'nin' to a pig case I can make nayther head nor tail av, I'm dog toired an' achin'. But thin I'm a juryman ; juryman, eh ? faith, the name tickles me ; av I kape on, I'll be a polishman, or an alder- man nixt, — an thin, oh, murdher ! the very ijee av the good dinners makes me hunghry. I woudher is dinner near ready ? Alderman, is it ? Mary Ann 'nil go off her nut whin she hears it — ha ! I was for- gettin'. How the divil will she hear it? (Thoughtfully.) Theould judge tould US we worn't to spake a word out av coort. Begorra, that bothers me ; I niver knew how hard it was to hould yer tongue till now, I don't wondher the women doesn't like to do it. Whin I t kem out av coort, I met Mike Haggarty, an' he stopped me. " What's yer hurry? " sez he— but I gev him no answer, an' kep' on nay way,— him afther me. ••Lukhere, now !" sez he, "here, let's have a dhrop." Faith, it cut me to the eowl, for Mike always was a liberal chap, an* I hated to refuse him; but I kep on. "Can't ye spake?" sez he, "are ye sthrick dumb?" I was bumin'to put a word in, but I darrent. "What the divil ails ye ?" sez he,— an' he kep on blatherin' till I druv him a sthroke. I had to do it, or burst. It knocked him clane into the gutther, an' I started at a dead run wid the pollisman afther me, yellin' "stop thafe!" I duv through the Dutch grocery and dumb over the fence into the nixt sthreet, an' kem home the back way. I wondher where Mary Ann is? Me back bone's sthrikin' foire agin me ribs wid hunger. Mary Ann ! M&xy— (Suddenly stops.) Thunder an' turf! I disremimbered. I darsent epake— an' me starvin' for hunger. What the divil can I do? I must have eomethin' to ate, an- begorra, I have it ! ( Upsets a chair.) There! the noise av that will rouse her. (Listening.) There she comes ! I cud tell thim brogues av hers a mile oflf, by the sound av thim. (Site at table, c. Enter Mabt Anv, b. Mary A. Bad 'cess to that cat ! (Sees Pat.; Oh ! it's yerself, is it, Pat ? Faith, I thought ye wor lost. Are ye hungry, ould man?, CPat nods and makes signs of eating. ) I thought so ; I'll fix ye in a jiffey. (Going E., aside.) He's a thrifle crossed, an' won't spake, — ah, well, I s'pose he's famished and toired. (Exit b. Pat. The ould woman opened her eyes at me not spakin'. Av I could only explain matthers, but— divil burn it ! I darsent spake. Re-enter Mabt Ann, b., with dinner, Mary A. Hero ye are, Pat. Here's a dinner will warm the cockles av yer heart. Sit down, now ; sure ye must be hungry CPat nods.) an' toired. (Fat nods.) What makes ye look so quare, Pat ? Are ye outav sorts, now? cPat shakes his head.) Powers av mercy ! WHO GOT THE PIO? 5 what ails ye ? ^Pat extcutes burlesque motions. ) Man alive, are ye ottzy? Pat. (Aside. ) Tear an' ages ! she's as curioue as a cat. I moight have knowed it. What the divil ehali I do ? Mary A. (Anxiously.) Can't ye spake to me, Pat ? Pat. (Aside. ) Av I only daured — (Pauses. Mary A. Why dont ye answer me ? Pat. (Aside.) Av I only daured, I'd tell her ; but— but— I won- dher av she'd undherstand soigns, now ? (Motions as before. Mary A. Heavenly Fathers ! what's he makin' thim faces about ? Pat. (Aside.) She don't undberstand. I'll tbry agin. (Bises, takes Maby Ann's arm and comes down. Business as before. Maby Ann ohservijig him with increasing uneasiness. AttheJinishFA.Tputs his finger on his lips, touches his fore- head, and goes up to table. Mary A. Powers av mercy ! what ails him ? Whin Simple Dick does be tak wid tbim electric fits, he goes on the same way. Pat I Pat ! (Rushing up to table. Pat. (Aside, nervously. ) Thunder an' turf ! There'll be a purty bilein', now. I must hurry up, and get out. (Eats voraciously. Mary A. Oh, luk at the actions av him ! He's mad, divil a less. Atein' loike a wild baste ! Oh, Pat ! Pat ! Pat ! Pat. ( With his mouth fuil. ) Oh, what the divil will I do ? Mary A. Pat, Pat ! are ye sthruck dumb ? (F\t shakes his head.) Oh, wirra ! wirra! wirra! why don't ye spake? (Busiyiess as be- fore. ) Ah, the Lord be merciful to us ! he's crazy. (Fat motions with his knife. ) Oh-h-h-h ! ( Starting up. ) Is it murdher me, ye would? Pat. (Aside.) Begorra ! this bates all ; I'll thry her agin. ( Takes Maby Ann's arm as before ; she struggles, screaming. Mary A. Murdher ! lave off ! Pat. (Aside, letting her go. ) Begorra, a thrifle more av this will dhrive me as crazy as she thinks I am. Oh, hang that jury business. Av I only daured spake — but I can't. Av I do, they'll be intherdic- tin' me for perjury— or arson — or some other pecadillo. What the divil shall I do ? Faith, I'll thry her agin. (Business as before ; Maby Ann struggles furiously . Mary A. Lave go av me ! ^Pat motions silence. ) Lave me go, I say ! (As before. ) Av ye don t lave off, I'll call the pollis ! Pat. (Aside. ) Faith, it only wants that to complate me sum av bliss. (Laughing wildly.) Ha! ha ! ha ! ha ! Mary A. Oh, the horrid savage laugh ! Pat. ( Desperately , aside. ) I'll thry her agin. (Business of motions aiid signs as before, but more violent. Mary A. Oh ! luk at the oi av him ; he's ravin' mad ! (Business, very violent. Pat still retains the knife in his hayid, and flourishes it in his exciteme^d. Mahy Ann watches him with growing hoj-ror, and finally breaks from him and runs, Pat after her ; she exits r. and he comes doion c. 6 WHO GOT THE PIG? Pat. (In growing excUement. ) Well, by the powers, this bangs Banagher ! I'm dumb— au' spacheless — an* craEy — an' simple— an' a murdlierer— an' all along av sarvin' on a jury, bad scran to its naine! May the man that iuvinted it, and his antecedents, be Bthriick wid poverty to the seventh generation ! av I epake, I'm lia- ble to persecution ; av I don't spake, me woife 'uU be gettin' a hoigh Btrike ; av I go out, I'll be seized for 'saltiu' an' battherin' Mike Hag- gurty ; av I stay here, I'll be foined for contimpt av coort. Ha ! ha ! ha ! ye'U be an alderman, will ye, Pat M'Ginnis? Begorra, ye'U be before an alderman soon. (Laughing wildly.) Ha! ha! ha! ha! CMary Ann 'appears in b., listening. Pat. An' me woife, too? Mary A. (Aside. ) Whist ! Pat. I'll murdher her ! Ha ! ha I ha ! Mary A. (Aside. ) Oh ! the cannonball ! Pat. Ill stab her ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Mary A. (Aside. ) Oh, ye bloody villain ! Pat. Women is so scary. I moight a known I'd frighten her wid that knife, and spoil all. Pat. (Aside.) Ye miirdherin' blaggard ! Pat. What the divil shall I do? Make a sthart now or give up the whole business. I'll be shot av I loike to do that ? Mary A. (Aside. ) Oh ! sure he talks av murdher as if it wor a pleasure. Pat. Begorra, it wag funny, though. She thought I was crazy — ah !— crazy ! Sure, that would be a good excuse. Mary A. (Aside.) Good excuse ! Pat. Av they thought I was crazy, they couldn't do anything to me. Ma^'y A. (Aside. ) Couldn't they ? Pat. Houid on, a bit I I think 'twill work. I'll do it-^ Mary A. ' (Aside. ) Ah ! Pat. An' purteud to be crazy. Mary A. Oh I Pat. I'll not sthir out av the house. Mary A. (Aside. ) Oh, the coolness av him ! Pat. Whin the poUis comes, they'll foind me all prepared for 'em. Mary A. (Aside.) Will they? Pat Wid a story, a cock an' bull story as long as yer arm,^ an' if I don't lade 'em off the scent, me name's not Pat M'Ginnis. ('Marx Ann sneezes. ) What the divil's that ? Mary A. (In entrance. ) Oh, murdher ! Pat. ( Seizing her. ) It's the ould woman. Mary A. I'm lost I Pat (Pulling her on. ) Yer what? Well, I've found ye. ?'iar]i A. His vei-y voice makes me shiver. Fat Ltik here now, Mary Ann \ WHO GOT TBE PZO? 7 Mary A. ( Groaning.) Oh-h-h I Pat. Lave oflf that, now ; I've a crow to pick with ye. Mary A. I know it. Pat. Ye do? Mary A. I do, Pat M'Ginnis ; hav'n't I been a good woife to y* Pat. Av coorae. Mary A. An* faithful, an' hardworlan', an' mended yer Bocki, an* darned yer Bhirts, an'- Pat. C Impatiently. ) To be sure; bixt, thunder an' turf! that's not whftt I'm afther. Mary A. 1 know, only too well. Didn't I hear yc colloquein' wid yerself, just now? Pat. Oh, ye did ! well thin, ye're prepared. Mary A. (Astounded.) Prepared, ia it? Pat. An* ye'll assist me, av coorse ? Mary A. ( Horrified. ) Assist ye ? Pat. Certainly. Mary A. Assist you? Pat. Av coorse ; j>re yo dafe ? Mary A. (Solemnly.) Pat MGiuuis, can ye raley inthertain the ijee av such a croime ? Pat. Croimo ? Mary A. Yis ; bloody croimo. Pat. (Laughing.) An' ye call that a croime ? Mary A. Ceitaiuly. Pat. (Laughing.) Arrah ! go 'long out o' that! Sure, it's no croime. Mary A. No croime ! Pat Av coorse not. Mary A. Murther, no croime ? Pat. Mur— what ? Oh, tear an' ages ! I see it oil. Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Mary A. An' can ye laff ? Pat Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Mary A. Oh, wirrasthrue ! wirrasthrue ! Was there iver such a oxihuman — Pat (Interrupting.) Luk here now, Mary Ann I (Takes her hand.) Do ye mane to say ye thought I was goin' to murdher yez? Mary A. Pat M'Ginnis— Pat Oh, hould yer whist ! ha ! ha ! h» ! Is it me, murdher my Mary Ann ? Mary A. An' do ye mane to — Pat. Av coorse, ( Noise outside. ) What's that? Mary A. (Banning to window.) It's Mike Haggarty an' a poUis- man. Pat. "What ? oh, tear an' ages, I'm done for ! Mary Ann, come here. Com© with me ; come I say ! I'll explain iverything to yez — only give me a chance. Come on, now ; come on, I say ! (Exit »., with Maet Ann. % > WHO GOT THE PIG? T Enter Mike Haggabtt and Poucemak, d.p. Policeman. You're sure this is his house ? Mike- Yes. Policeman. I wonder where he is ? Mike. He must be about somewhere. Policeman. Well, look here ; I can't wait. Will you hand him this ? ( Giving paper. ) He was on the jury in O'Grady vs. Squash, and this is a notification that the case is dismissed. Mike. (Taking paper.) All right ; I'll tell him. Policeman. Much obliged. So long. (Exit d.f. Mike. I wondher where he is, anyway. I owe him one for the smash in the eye he gave me this morning, but I'm thinkin' all along it was some sort of a mistake. I'm bound to settle it right here, though. Enter Mary Ann, f.e.e. Mike. How are you, Mrs. M'Ginnis ? Mary A. (Sobbing.) Oh, Misther Haggarty 1 Mike. Hullo? what's up? Mary A. Oh, Misther Haggarty ! Mike. Well? Mary A. It's Pat, sor. Pat. Pat? Mary A. Yis. Mike. Why, what ails him? 31ary A. Oh, sor, he's crazy ! Mike. Ko, really? really looney? Well, come now, I thought he was off his nut when I met him. Mary A. Divii a doubt. Mike. But whafset him off anyway? Great Scott! only look at him. Enter Pat r. , in his shiH sleeves / with a blanket around him, one of his wife's bonnets on, and a poker in his hand. He advances to c. Pauses between the two, arid stares vacantly at them. Pat (Slowly.) The pig, gintlemen, belonged to O'Grady, av coorse ; but whin he sould his cow, the question is — I wondher av the pig was a sow or a boar now. Mike. (L.) What's he talkin' about, anyhow ? Mary A. (b. ) It's a law case. Mike. A law case? Mary A. Yis ; an' he's so puzzled wid it, that he's gone dune out av his head. Mike. What had he to do with a law case ? Mary A. Sure he was on the jury. Mike. On the jury ? By jingo ! that reminds me. Here's a pa- per for him. Pat. (Aside.) Oh, murdher ! it's the warrant. Mary A. What is it about ? Mike. (Reading. ) Well, it's to notify him that the case is dis- WHO GOT THE PIQ? 9 Mary A. Dismiesed? Pat Dismissed? Hike, Yes. Fat An' it's all oyer ? Mike. Yis. Pat (Ihrowing off blanket, dtc, and dancing about ) Oh, hur- roo ! Tow-de-row-de-row-de — begorra ! it's all roight, anvwav. Mike. What's this? ^ ^ Pat (Seizing him, and dancing him around.) It's all roight, hur- roo! (Suddenly stopping.) An' the pig, howly murdher! I won- dher who got the pig ? (Dancing, Mike. (Stopping him.) Here, hold on ; I've got a bone to pick vith you. Pat. For why? Mike. (Pointing to eye.) For this. Pat Oh, tear an' ages ! I'll explain ; but first, give me lave to beg yer pardon— an' considher me beggin' yer pardon all the toime I'm talkin. Ye see, I was on the jury— O'Grady agin Squash,— an* the ould judge tould me, whin I wint to dinner, not to daur collogue wid anybody. I met ye— you insisted— I thried to shake ye— you presisted, an' in the end I was compelled to give ye a delicate hint. Mike. (Rubbing his eye. ) A delicate — Pat. Hold ou ; call it what ye plaze— an' I'll apologize. I kem home, froightened Maiy Ann into a fit by sittin' here dumb as an oysther— an', feelin' my raisonin' faculties giviu' way, I sthruck a plan to excuse me to the cooit. Mike. You pretended to be crazy ? Pat. Yis ; yQ see, they have no use for a crazy man on the jury, although they don't object to a natural born idiot in the laste. I know av I'd had to sit that case out, I'd a gone crazy in dead aimest. Mike. What was the case ? Pat For the love av mercy, don't ax me ; I'll blush to ate bacon for a month, and drame av pigs for the next year. Ye've heard av the herd av grunters that were dhruvinto the sea — well, I belave this wan pig had more divils in him than that whole gang. Whoo ! Twould put a bar av iron in a cowld'sweat to think av it. An' the case is compromised. Well, I'm glad av that — but, be me sowkers, Fd loike to know who got the pig. Disposition of Characters* Pat. CUETAIN. THE ACTING DRA PEICE 15 CENTS EACH. 16 OurM'.irj' LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS ■M Single LifQ, Comedy. The Boarding School, Farce. The Spitfire, Farce. The Irish Dragoon, Farce. The School for Tigers, Farce. 6 Gabrielle de Bello Isle, Play. 7 The Tipperary Legacy, Farce. 8 Deads of Dreadful Note, Farce. 9 A Peculiar Position, Farce. 10 A Private Inquiry, Farce. 11 I'll Tell your Wife, Farce. 12 The Fast Family, Comedy. 13 Antony and Cleopatra Married and Settled, Burletta. 14 My Friend iu the Straps, Farce. 15 The School for Scheming ^Love and Money), Comedy. 015 762_710 17 Miseries orHiimanXife, Farce. 18 An Irish Engagement, Farce. 19 How to Settle Accounts with your Laundress, Farce. 20 Advice Gratis, Farce. 21 A Hasty Conclusion, Burletta. 22 Weak Points, Comedy. 23 Grace Darling, Drama. 24 A Gray Mare, Comedietta. 25 The Middle Temple, Farce. 26 The Original, Interlude. 27 The Sentinel, Musical Burletta. 28 The Tiger at Large, Comic Bur- letta. [edy. 29 Why Did You Die? A Petite Com- 30 Sayings and Doings, Farce, THE AMATEUR STAGE PRICE 15 CENTS EACH. 1 Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp. 2 The Loves of Little Bo-Peep and Little Boy Blue. 3 Little Silver Hair and the Three Bears. 4 Kobiu Hood ; or, the Merry Men of Sherwood Forest. 5 Little Ked Biding Hood. 6 The Frog Prince. 7 Blue Beard ; or. Female Curiosity. 8 Jack, the Giant Killer. 9 Two Gentlemen at Mivart's. 10 Dark Deeds. 11 Marry iu Haste and Eepent at 12 Wealing of the Green. [Leisure. 13 The Result of a Nap. 14 Monsieur Pierre. 15 Virtue Victorious. 16 Love, Burlesque. j 7 Afloat and Ashore. 18 Tragedy Transmogrified. 19 Fairy Freaks. 20 A Medical Man. 21 Harlequin Little Bed Riding Hood, A Juvenile Pantomine. 22 Fireside Diplomacy. 23 Ingomar, An awful warning. 24 ]\Ioney ]\Iakes the IMan. 25 The Happy Dispatch, A Japanese Opera BoujSe. 26 An Eligible Situation. 27 The Pet Lamb. 28 The Last Lily. 29 The Three Temptations. 30 Katharine and Petruchio, 31 His First Brief. 32 The Girls of the Period. 33 Matched but not Mated. 34 Penelope Anne. 35 A Woman Will Be a Woman. 36 Caught iu His Own Toils. 37 Cousin Florence. 38 Lucy's Love Lesson. [Sketch. 39 A Game of Billiards, Temperance 40 The Wrong Bottle, Temperance Sketch. Burles- [que. THE VARIETY STAGE PRICE 15 CENTS EACH. 1 The Big Banana. 2 Dot Mad Tog. 3 A G^y Old Man Am I. 4 The Law Allows It. 5 A Leedle Misdake. 6 The Spelling Match. 7 There's Millions In It. 8 Tootle, Tootle, Too ! 9 Dot Madrimonial Adverdisement. 10 Mulcahy's Cat. 11 Dot Quied Lotgings. 12 All in Der Familv. Either of the above will be sent by mail, on receipt of price, by HAPPY HOUKS COMPANY, No. 1 Chambers Street, New York.