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THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 BY 
 
 EVELYN GLADYS 
 
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 CHICAGO AND LONDON 
 
 E. P. ROSENTHAL AND COMPANY 
 
 1905 
 
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 Copyright, 1904 
 By E. P. ROSENTHAL 
 
 Copyright, 1905 
 By E. P. ROSENTHAL AND COMPANY 
 
 Entered, 1905, at 
 Stationers' Hall, London 
 
 All Rights Reserved 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 I. 
 
 My Genealogy _ - - 
 
 9 
 
 11. 
 
 How Smart I Am 
 
 15 
 
 III. 
 
 What can You Expect ? - 
 
 27 
 
 w. 
 
 On the Ground Floor - 
 
 41 
 
 V. 
 
 Man to Be 
 
 53 
 
 VI. 
 
 Success - - - - 
 
 61 
 
 VII. 
 
 Shoes, Pigs, and Problems 
 
 71 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Democracy 
 
 85 
 
 IX. 
 
 Pressing His Trousers 
 
 103 
 
 X. 
 
 Potatoes - - - - 
 
 113 
 
 XI. 
 
 Buzz-saws, Shortcake, and Rights 
 
 121 
 
 XII. 
 
 In Wonderland - - _ 
 
 129 
 
 XIII. 
 
 Inventory . . - 
 
 137 
 
 XIV. 
 
 Life's Message 
 
 145 
 
 XV. 
 
 Symbols and Tags 
 
 153 
 
 XVI. 
 
 Occultism - _ - _ 
 
 163 
 
 XVII. 
 
 The Fly and the Donkey 
 
 171 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 Net Balance - - - - 
 
 177 
 
 XIX. 
 
 The Universal Secret - 
 
 183 
 
 XX. 
 
 Where I Found Him 
 
 189 
 
 XXI. 
 
 Free Love _ . - 
 
 201 
 
 XXII. 
 
 Ostracized - - - - 
 
 213 
 
 XXIII. 
 
 My First Case 
 
 229 
 
 XXIV. 
 
 Boiled Cabbage _ - . 
 
 243 
 
 XXV. 
 
 "It is Finished" 
 5 
 
 251 
 
MY GENEALOGY 
 
MY GENEALOGY 
 
 THE reason for my foolishness was analyzed. 
 " Her mother is to blame." " It is her father,'* 
 says another. "Bad training," says the third. 
 I don't know what the fourth said, but I assure you 
 that my parents and their ancestors are not to be held 
 responsible for me. There is a conviction that abides 
 with me that I did not inherit any foolish notions. I 
 think all of them are my very own. For my ancestry is 
 replete with scintillant examples of the wisdom of the 
 various eras through which man has progressed. 
 
 Tracing my pedigree back to the beginning of history, 
 and even into prehistoric times, I find that I descend 
 from illustrious houses on both sides. One of my pro- 
 genitors was a great military chieftain. His brother 
 was a high priest of Baal, at that time one of the most 
 respectable of the gods. His son was a learned judge. 
 He had a daughter whose beauty was the envy of all 
 heathendom. She is said to have had red hair and 
 green eyes, and perhaps my own auburn locks — but 
 this is scarcely germane to the subject in hand — and 
 she was virtuous and holy. She avoided doing any- 
 thing that could be subjected to criticism. She would 
 not associate with men, because men in her day were 
 
 9 
 
10 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 abominably wicked. She never broke her vow to refrain 
 from marriage; and her son was just as holy as she was. 
 The military chief crucified a rebel, that his son, the 
 judge, had condemned, and the vast majority of the 
 people of the country voted him a medal. By the time 
 the judge's son had grown to manhood the people, who 
 were very changeful in those ancient times, repented of 
 the medal their fathers had bestowed on the sapient 
 judge, and the son contributed it to a fund that was 
 being gathered for the erection of a monument to the 
 memory of him that had been crucified. He also 
 helped to support the priests who were now preaching 
 that the man who had been done to death in his father's 
 day and at his father's judgment was a prophet and a 
 martyr. He demonstrated his good citizenship by 
 helping to stone to death another rebel, who in turn also 
 became the central figure in a religious system. And 
 all the way down through my lineage, my forebears have 
 been crucifying rebels, and building temples in their 
 names after a generation or two. Thus my forefathers 
 have always protected the gods of their day against in- 
 novations, and erected new gods when they discovered 
 material for deification in the victims of their righteous 
 wrath. At any rate, they were always right and respec- 
 table while they lived. Respectable people are always 
 right. To be respectable it is necessary to choose to be 
 right while we live, no matter how wrong our actions 
 may be considered after we are dead. 
 
 If we are to take our choice between being right 
 
MY GENEALOGY ll 
 
 while we live and being right after our death, the re- 
 spectable people will always choose to be right while 
 they live. To be right after you die you will have to 
 be disreputable sometimes while you live, and thereby 
 suffer inconvenience. So he chose to be right while he 
 lived. 
 
 The same story repeats itself again and again. The 
 son following the opinion of the public as it changed, 
 and praising the dead one his father helped execute. 
 And so on along the line up to the more recent eras, the 
 history of which is being taught in the public schools. 
 
 The children in our schools of to-day are taught to 
 revere the names of the rebels of the past, and to crucify 
 the rebels of our own day. All of which goes to show 
 that no matter how far I delve into the past of my ances- 
 try, they never violated the canons of true respectability. 
 
 Mother still has a manuscript certificate to prove 
 that she and all her people were loyal subjects of King 
 James of blessed memory — and my father has a peck or 
 more of medals that have come down to him as testi- 
 monials of the favor which our house has ever enjoyed 
 in the eyes of royalty. This genealogy ought to admit 
 me anywhere. So I cannot understand why the nice 
 little daughters will not play with me. However, the 
 sons are not so distant, and I am just fool enough not 
 to care so very much about the daughters after all. 
 
HOW SMART I AM 
 
HOW SMART I AM 
 
 WHEN a person feels he knows a thing or 
 two which other people have been too stupid 
 to discover, he is a w^se person. Then a 
 feeling comes to him — a kind of a desire to enhghten the 
 public concerning the things they do not know; inci- 
 dentally — how smart he is. 
 
 The public, also desiring to be wise, facilitates 
 the spreading of that which the wise know, by estab- 
 lishing schools, colleges, universities, and academies, 
 and by instituting lecture courses. The choicest 
 method with which to unload wisdom is by the book 
 route. Endowments are secured for pubhc hbraries, 
 book stores are opened, and pubHshing houses grind 
 out the wisdom of the wdse. If your name is inscribed 
 on a book-cover you are then officially wise and are 
 eligible to be a bohemian. It gives you a license to 
 get drunk, to borrow money, and to be a free lover. 
 There are only two other classes that are lucky enough 
 to be equal to the book- writer and also enjoy the privi- 
 leges of bohemianism — they are the actors and painters. 
 All are included under the name of "Artist." The 
 politician also claims the pri^dlege, but he really is not 
 entitled to it. 
 
 15 
 
16 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 There is much wisdom in the world. In order to 
 have even a slight comprehension of the extent of it, 
 visit the public and private libraries and see the heavy 
 laden shelves. Then let a publisher tell you the per- 
 centage of the manuscripts which are not printed, add 
 them, and multiply the result by ten thousand; it is 
 doubtful if even then you will be anywhere near the mark. 
 
 When I discovered that I was awfully smart I 
 decided to unload my wisdom on the public in the 
 shape of a book. I know that I am wise, yet I am 
 modest. I do not think that I am so wise as the other 
 wise people think they are; but many facts presented 
 themselves to convince me that I am smarter than the 
 wise people I meet. They are specialists; they are 
 up on one line, and they talk and write about that 
 particular line. 
 
 If you ask a person who has written a book on 
 economics, concerning art, he will tell you that in eco- 
 nomics he knows it all; as for art — you will have to 
 go elsewhere. You will rarely find a person who will 
 admit that he is wise in more than one thing. But I 
 confess that I am the proud possessor of a department 
 storehouse of wisdom where you can find any subject 
 you may desire. Another point which I have dis- 
 covered in my favor is that their knowledge is not abso- 
 lute. When a person places before you the fact that 
 he is wise you can generally find another wise man who 
 will prove that the facts produced by the other fellow 
 are not facts at all; and that number two is the one 
 
HOW SMART I AM 17 
 
 who has the wisdom which you thought number one 
 had; then you are hkely to hear number three con- 
 tradict number two, and he in turn asks for the applause 
 to which wisdom is entitled. 
 
 By the discovery of old fossils a system of physical 
 geography is established. By the discovery of some 
 more fossils we overturn that system and establish 
 another. This morning I read that more fossils have 
 been discovered, which means that we are wrong again. 
 I am convinced that there are any number of old fossils 
 that are walking around everywhere; and from this I 
 conclude that wrongness is universal. 
 
 The knowledge which I possess is absolute, and 
 of such a character that any number of fossils are not 
 capable of upsetting it. The most important point 
 which I discovered in my favor, and not to be overlooked 
 is, that the wise do not transfer to others the knowledge 
 which they claim to possess. Therefore it seems to 
 me that the value of what they claim to possess is 
 overestimated. 
 
 An artisan, when he knows how to make something, 
 it matters not what it is, can transfer to you that which 
 he knows. Then you too become the possessor of 
 that knowledge. A farmer can teach you how to farm, 
 a shoe-maker who knows how to make shoes can 
 transfer his knowledge to you; then you know how, 
 and in turn can teach others, so they too are able to 
 make shoes. But suppose you are anxious to know 
 something about spiritualism, theosophy, or any other 
 
18 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 thing that would come under the name of "rehgion*' — 
 occult, psychic, or cosmic. It requires a lifetime 
 to read the books on those subjects. After reading 
 them through you possess the knowledge that the 
 writer of them claims that he knows something con- 
 cerning something which he calls by a certain name; 
 but you don't know the something, neither do you 
 know what the something he claims to know is; neither 
 do you know that he actually knows the things he claims 
 he knows. After all, you have only his statement that 
 he knows. The same is also true of all the sciences 
 and everything which would come under the name of 
 wisdom. They cannot transfer their knowledge to you. 
 The critic who writes and talks about art asks us 
 to reverence him; not for the thing he makes us know- 
 he cannot do that. He wants us to appreciate him for 
 the something which he claims he possesses and which 
 we lack; and for the life of us we cannot comprehend 
 what it is that we lack. When the musical critic tells 
 us about the atmosphere and the lights and the shad- 
 ows of the "Aria" sung by the great barytone, or when 
 the great critic tells us about the sharps, flats, half-notes, 
 and symphony which he discovered in the beautiful 
 pictures, he has not transferred his beautiful knowl- 
 edge to us. We only stand before him with bared 
 heads and admire his cleverness; but he has not wis- 
 domized us; we did not get smart by hearing his dis- 
 course. The more we hear him the smarter he appears 
 to us, and the " foolisher '' we feel we are. 
 
HOW SMART I AM 19 
 
 A critic (after confessing to him that I did not 
 know a thing he was talking about), thinking to pacify 
 me, once said: "Don't despair, you will yet cultivate 
 an appreciation of art." And I wonder if the people 
 who have cultivated a taste for olives are any happier 
 than I who cannot relish them. If wisdom is great 
 from the fact that it satisfies a craving for a cultivated 
 desire and not a natural one, then why not cultivate 
 the itch for the pleasure of scratching yourself ? 
 
 I have tapped the thought-waves which radiate 
 from the greatest minds of the world — the ones living 
 as well as the ones who have gone before, and the ones 
 who are yet to come — and it does not satisfy me. I 
 went to see Bernard Shaw's Candida, and while I 
 agree with him that there is plenty of love in the world, 
 it is not true that the reason it is manifestless is because 
 of its shyness. My heart tells me that the world's 
 knowledge stands in the way of the world's love. It 
 is the people who know that make it hard for the people 
 who don't know, but who feel. 
 
 There are people who know things, and they 
 know them because it has been told them by their 
 teachers and their parents, and they have records of 
 the same from men of the past; and the people who 
 have made the records know it to be so because they 
 were told by their teachers and their parents, who heard 
 it from their teachers and their parents ; and these last 
 will in turn impart it to their children and their pupils, 
 that they may know the antiquities. They have the 
 
20 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 records carved in stone to prove that what they say is 
 true. They are the wise. They are the people who 
 deal in well-established houses which have stood the 
 test of time; they are the ones who will not risk being 
 taken in or swindled. 
 
 They buy old paintings, old books, old furniture, 
 — buy them because they are old and therefore must 
 be good. When they purchase anything modem it 
 is done only after long discussion and on the judgment 
 of the critics — who know all things. 
 
 When they give anything to charity it must be the 
 old and well established. They are the foremost in 
 charity balls, church fairs, and subscriptions for the 
 Red Cross Society. If they give you a subscription 
 for something untried and new, they will give it to you 
 only on the indorsement of so many other names. 
 They will say, "I will subscribe if you will get twenty 
 other influential people to do the same." They are 
 always afraid to be alone in a thing — always want to 
 be with the crowd. They are very careful of their 
 actions; it might hurt their social position. In the 
 world of ideas they get the oldest ones — and the older 
 the better; and they will surely be angry with you if 
 you disturb any of their ideas. 
 
 I know that 1 don't know a thing, and this knowl- 
 edge is so rooted within me and absolute that even when 
 a number of the wise tried to teach me something, I 
 found after they were through with me, that they did 
 not succeed in convincing me that I know any more 
 
HOW SMART I AM 21 
 
 than I did before they started to educate me; although 
 they did convince me that they themselves not only 
 know nothing, but are unreasonable as well; for it 
 stands to reason that when a person asserts that a cer- 
 tain thing exists, he should furnish proof when called 
 upon that the thing he says exists, really exists. When 
 a man claims that he has certain knowledge on a certain 
 subject, and on the strength of this knowledge he 
 wishes to be considered wise, he ought to be ready 
 at any time to produce evidence that he is actually the 
 possessor of that knowledge. And so, thought I, 
 when I asked them for proof, that they would gladly 
 furnish it. But they fooled me; which, of course is 
 proof that they are fools. Does it not take a galvan- 
 izer to galvanize; a wisdomite with a stock of wisdom 
 to wisdomize you ? So it takes a fool well supplied 
 with foolishness to fool you. They asked me to prove 
 that they didn't know the thing they claimed to know. 
 While their reasoning is illogical, still it is logical, 
 because it takes a person who knows that he knows 
 not to impart that knowledge to others; and they in 
 turn know not. 
 
 I am an expert in my line. I am awfully proud of 
 the knowledge I possess; it is concrete — I can transfer 
 it. After I tell you, you too, as well as I, know what 
 I know; therefore I can be independent with what I 
 know. I do not have to ask you to come to me 
 before you go elsewhere; the fact is, I urge you to go 
 the rounds before you come to me. After you have 
 
n THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 swallowed all the others can supply, and consider your- 
 self wise, then if you come to me, I will examine you 
 and let you show me what it is that you claim to know. 
 
 That I know that I do not know, no one is disputing. 
 That I know nothing is granted. The disputed point 
 is your claim that you know something; which, of 
 course, is not true. You have simply forgotten that 
 you do not know; and with my convincing knowledge 
 that I do not know, I transfer that knowledge to you, 
 by asking you to forget that you have forgotten that 
 you do not know; which is equivalent to still not 
 knowing. Here is where we stand: I don't know any- 
 thing about anything, and I know that I don't know. 
 My discussions, therefore, are about things I don't 
 know; and as I don't know anything, therefore I 
 can discuss anything. You also don't know anything, 
 but you think that you know something, which you 
 discuss; therefore, you are limited to the thing which 
 you think you know. But in reahty you also don't 
 know anything and as all of us do not know anything, 
 our system of life, which is based on knowledge, is 
 faulty, because we have no knowledge to build it on. 
 
 Come, let us reason together. How I got here I 
 don't know ! What I am here for I don't know ! Why 
 I should not love everything my love wants to love I 
 don't know! Why I should not gratify my love 1 
 don't know! Why I should make myself believe 
 that I know lots of things which in reality I know not 
 I don't know! So T admit that I don't know! Why 
 
HOW SMART I AM 23 
 
 I should worry my head with lots of things I can't use 
 I don't know; therefore I don't! Why I should plan 
 and scheme a life for myself after I die I don't know; 
 therefore I don't! Why I should become patriotic 
 and kill people I never saw, or get killed by them, I 
 don't know ; therefore I don't ! Why I should reverence 
 the opinion of men who don't know any more than I, 
 although they say they do, I don't know; therefore 
 I don't! Why I, an intellectual parasite, should con- 
 sider myself superior to one of the other kind, I don't 
 know; therefore I don't! Why I, one kind of a thief, 
 should prosecute another, I don't know; therefore I 
 don't! Why I, a fool who knows nothing, should 
 distrust Life that placed me before all other animals 
 of the earth, I don't know; therefore I don't! Since 
 I don't know why I should not trust to life, and seeing 
 the result of Life's accomplishment without my intel- 
 lectual aid, I "let" the Life which is in me, and of 
 which I am a part, guide me. Instinctively it im- 
 presses me with the finale of the things I need. Of 
 course "instinct" is not the proper tool with which 
 to forge conclusions in this practical world. The 
 intellectual method is to reason from a premise, 
 then by degrees get nearer and nearer, and the end 
 reached would be the conclusion. Not being intel- 
 lectual, I start with the instinctive conclusion; and 
 then my intellect takes the step which must be taken 
 to bring me to the conclusion already concluded. 
 Therein my reasoning is different from the rest of the 
 
24 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 reasoners' reasoning. But who cares ? — ^the things which 
 will make me happy, I seek; the painful ones, I avoid. 
 
 I love because I love to love ! I get pleasure from 
 loving, and why should I ask more ? So you see, by 
 not pretending to know anything, Life knows me 
 better than you know Life by pretending you know 
 something which you do not. So I let Life do my work 
 — or Life's work, it matters not which it is. The 
 whole universe is ready to help me; while you, in 
 knowing, everything is against you; and as you do 
 not know how to manage Life you are a failure. I am 
 happy and you are not. You are afraid while I do 
 not know what to fear. Ignorance, you say, is the 
 cause of fear. That is not true. Fear is composed 
 of unreliable knowledge. You are not afraid of noth- 
 ing; you are afraid of something. If that something 
 exists, it is then sensing danger, which is not fear; 
 when that something does not exist — like ghosts — 
 then it is fear; and only people who know and believe 
 in ghosts are afraid of them. Not knowing anything 
 which is not so, I sense danger, but have no fear. 
 
 I don't worry, neither do I regret. Why should I 
 regret ? If I have done something which resulted in 
 painful experience, by avoiding repetition I make 
 amends. As regretting takes the time which should 
 go to make amends, therefore regretting injures instead 
 of helps. So, if you really regret, you will not regret, 
 but make amends; but if you keep on regretting you 
 really don't regret. 
 
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT? 
 
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT? 
 
 A SETTING hen on a quota of duck eggs, by dili- 
 gent application to her business, will hatch out 
 ducklings. She'll produce you goslings on a cap- 
 ital of goose eggs. It's what's inside of the shell that 
 will count in the long run. There's some comfort in 
 knowing what to expect under given conditions, and 
 by understanding the egg law you upholster yourself 
 against the hard blows of surprises. 
 
 As you sow so shall you reap. Why should you 
 be surprised that we have all about us an element 
 that is growing stronger, fiercer, louder — which threat- 
 ens to upset all we hold dear to civilization ? 
 
 You do not understand how it befalls that in a 
 country like ours, so bountifully freighted by nature 
 with all that makes for human well-being, there should 
 be discontent rampant. While our workmen have 
 each a full dinner-pail, what warrant have they to 
 take up with such fads as anarchism, socialism, single- 
 taxery, trade-unionism, and the like ? How comes it 
 that these ignorant people should allow themselves 
 to be swayed by heresies that threaten to undermine the 
 peace of society ? Well may we tremble for the future ! 
 
 The "divine right of property" is being impugned; 
 27 
 
28 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 the expediency of land-ownership is being challenged; 
 our homes are in danger; the family, the very root 
 of social cohesion, is threatened; and even the holy 
 kitchen stove is in danger! Not an institution exists 
 whose raison d'etre is not under scrutiny. 
 
 The wisdom of God — nay, the very existence of 
 deity — is questioned, and bold inquiry challenges 
 creation. Everywhere society is conscious of peril. 
 You see these things and you marvel. Your face has 
 a look on it like one standing outside of the grocery 
 store trying to recall what it is that he has forgotten. 
 
 How could it be otherwise ? 
 
 What could Laban expect in mutton futures in 
 view of the transaction he made with Jacob, his pros- 
 pective son-in-law, in the first and second degrees ? 
 
 You remember the story, how the wily old sheep- 
 raiser palmed off Leah on the young fellow when it 
 was Rachel he was after; and how he had to put in 
 seven more strenuous years to pay for Rachel. 
 
 In this old Bible story of Jacob and his dealing 
 with Laban is a moral, embodying a lesson for society. 
 
 Jacob's revach (or rake-off, in modern vernacular) 
 after Laban had unloaded the ladies upon him, was 
 to consist of all the spotted and speckled lambs. 
 Rake-off was ever the mother of ingenuity, and Jacob 
 promptly discovered a process to induce sheep to 
 beget spotted offspring. He tried a game of psycho- 
 logic suggestion on the mother sheep during bearing 
 time. He set up lines of twigs with the bark peeled 
 
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT? 
 
 off in spots, which gave the sheep mothers a speckled 
 point of view, resulting in a larger than ordinary per- 
 centage of off-color lambs. 
 
 This may look like a "dirty Jew trick," which none 
 of our best people would countenance, and the discovery 
 of such chicanery by any member of the board of 
 trade would probably subject him to prompt expul- 
 sion, and serve him well right, of course, but what 
 could Laban expect ? 
 
 There is an irrefragable law back of Jacob's for- 
 mula. 
 
 Whatever ideals you place before sheep of any 
 country will secure their respect and adherence. Your 
 mudsill may not achieve all that your hero has attained, 
 but he will approach as nearly to the ideal as his power 
 will admit of his doing. You do not want our low- 
 lier classes to be anarchists and communists and 
 insurgents, yet you point to the anarchists and com- 
 munists and insurgents of other days with fond pride 
 and unmistakable admiration. 
 
 We must remodel our Pantheon. There are too 
 many speckled twigs in the gallery of fame. Let us 
 set Carrie Nation and her redoubtable hatchet to work 
 demolishing statues of the disturbers of the peace of 
 the world, that our own peace be no longer endangered. 
 
 Can we afford to parade our national heroes as 
 examples to our working-classes ? Do we not already 
 see the insurgency that such ideals as Washington has 
 instilled in the breast of our humble classes ? George 
 
30 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 Washington is our great national hero. But suppose 
 we were to rehearse his history in brief, omitting his 
 name and the glamour that we associate with it, what 
 would we think of such a man to-day ? 
 
 Given a commission in his Britannic Majesty*s 
 Colonial Army, he defaulted allegiance to his king over 
 so sordid a matter as a trifle of stamp duties. He be- 
 came commander-in-chief of an army that was in 
 rebellion against the crown under which he had been 
 exalted. His triumph consisted in disobedience to 
 law, and he became the father of his country, much 
 revered by school-children on February 22d, when that 
 date does not fall on a Sunday, and on July 4th, when 
 it does not rain. With such ideals, there is no wonder 
 that some Americans follow his example. 
 
 If Lord Cornwallis had been held up for admira- 
 tion, to-day the results would have been far different. 
 He was a patriot and a hero. He was a man who 
 served his king; he was a true pillar of law and order. 
 
 The life of Washington was one of disobedience 
 and treason to his king. The very act of gathering 
 his army was treason. His triumph was by breaking 
 the law. With Washington as Ideal — what can you 
 expect ? 
 
 Come down to John Brown, the hero of Harper's 
 Ferry. For the past forty years he has been held up 
 before the people for admiration, as a martyr, a lover 
 of justice, and a friend of man. What did John Brown 
 do ? He deliberately began to form an army and re- 
 
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT? 31 
 
 lease the negroes, who were the private property of 
 many of the nation's best citizens. Defying the power 
 of the state and the nation's laws, he entrenched him- 
 self in a little building at Harper's Ferry. Surrounded 
 by a few staunch friends and the negroes who had fol- 
 lowed his lead, they attempted to fight, and succeeded 
 in killing a few respectable law-abiding citizens. 
 Finally, he was hanged by the neck, the authorities 
 punishing him like a common criminal. That same 
 John Brown is celebrated in song and in story. 
 Children are taught to know of him and to love him; 
 and yet, he was a man who defied law and order. 
 
 If such people are held up before the eyes of admir- 
 ing youth, do not think these lads will be satisfied 
 with things as they are. If you honor rebels and 
 law-breakers, what can you expect ? 
 
 Oliver Cromwell, " Old Ironsides," as he was called, 
 was a hero. At least the Protestant part of Great 
 Britain thinks so to this day. OHver Cromwell hated 
 kings and rulers as they then held sway, and was the 
 direct cause of one king at least being murdered. 
 Cromwell had very little regard, or none at all, for 
 the laws of his country. When the British Parlia- 
 ment did not suit him he drove it out of doors. He 
 went about agitating the people against the existing 
 powers of the land. This ended in many bloody bat- 
 tles against the rulers. He managed to die in bed, 
 but the good people came to their own after his death. 
 His ashes were dug up and scattered to the winds. In 
 
S2 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 the land where we find OHver Cromwell held up as 
 an ideal, we revolt at the idea of its youth taking 
 him as a model. Had the respectable English been 
 held up for admiration, or had their representatives 
 been thus honored, the result would have been far 
 different. But with Cromwell as the guiding-star, 
 what can you expect ? 
 
 Or revert to the illustrious figures of long gone. 
 
 Take Moses, for instance, the great ideal of the 
 Jews. Place him under the intellectual microscope. 
 Moses did not have a spark of refinement. He was 
 an ingrate of the worst kind, and a trickster. He had 
 even committed murder. Just consider his true his- 
 tory. A foundling who had been left in a place where 
 fashionable people were accustomed to bathe, was dis- 
 covered by the beautiful and accomplished daughter 
 of the noble King Pharaoh as she was going for a 
 swim, and saw the child lying in the bullrushes play- 
 ing with his toes. Instead of calling a policeman and 
 having the baby taken to an orphan asylum, she bade 
 her maid-in-waiting to bring it to her. Taking it to 
 her own bosom, she bore it to the royal palace, and 
 called the royal help to assist her in bringing him up. 
 Thus she gave Moses every advantage which a home 
 at court could provide. He throve well and grew 
 strong under this excellent care. This lad sat at the 
 king's table, slept in a bed provided by the king, and 
 his clothes were selected from the royal wardrobe. He 
 was sent to the king's school, and doubtless played 
 
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT? 33 
 
 foot-ball in the king's team. One would think that 
 Moses would have been grateful for all this kindness, 
 and that nothing would be too hard a task for him to 
 do in the service of the king and his daughter. 
 
 Suppose you take the story of Moses, omitting the 
 names of the parties, and then submit it with this 
 question to our wise men: "If a man had been 
 treated thus, what ought he to do ?" Give us your 
 opinion as to the answer you suppose you would re- 
 ceive. 
 
 Tell us what the wise men of the universities and 
 the big salaried priests would say to this question. 
 
 "Why," they would all say, "a man should 
 sacrifice his life for his benefactors." Now, how did 
 Moses repay for all these benefactions ? He began by 
 fraternizing with the hoodlums of society. He mingled 
 with the workers in the king's brickyard, and created 
 disturbances, becoming one of the lowest kinds of 
 labor agitators, and adopting the methods of a curb- 
 stone orator. The opportunity of his life was for him 
 to become a member in the cabinet of Pharaoh. He 
 could have had an important secretaryship had he 
 chosen so brilliant a career, for Moses had brains, 
 though they went wrong I would say; for rather than 
 to stand in high places, he chose to cast his fortune 
 with slaves, the scum of Egypt. Finally he organized 
 this scum into a mob, borrowed jewels of the Egyptian 
 society people, then sneaked away, followed by all his 
 dirty and tattered friends. This man Moses is the 
 
34 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 patron saint held up as the great law-giver before the 
 Jews and Christians of to-day. 
 
 To get the results that you desire you should hold 
 up as ideals Pharaoh and his daughter. Hold them 
 up with the smart set; hold them up with the priests 
 and the charity associations of these times. If you 
 hold up that man Moses as an ideal, what can you 
 expect ? 
 
 Another example is that of Jesus, whom we hold 
 up as an ideal, yet whose principles and practices 
 would be regarded as scandalous if introduced into 
 public and private life to-day. Born without a claim 
 of legal paternity, his cradle was a manger in a stable; 
 allowed to grow up in the streets and run around the 
 country like a tramp, leaving home again and again, 
 causing his mother no end of worry and anxiety. 
 
 He discussed anarchism and socialism with a fluent 
 tongue, and confused the elders wherever he went. 
 He stirred up discontent and subsequent disorder. 
 He laughed at the laws and customs of his land, and 
 by his clear-cut oratory he drew to himself a number 
 of followers, who, like himself, went about fomenting 
 disorder among the people. 
 
 The priests and the ruling classes, horrified by his 
 attitude and presumption, saw clearly that his doc- 
 trines were subversive not only of the status quo, but 
 of all right and justice whatever. He was warned time 
 and again to behave, yet he did not heed the warn- 
 ing, but kept right on with his treasonable teachings. 
 
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT? 35 
 
 The common people heard him gladly, though it may 
 be said to the credit of the upper classes that few of 
 them ever attended his seditious gatherings. The bet- 
 ter elements of society saved the country, and they 
 nailed Jesus to the cross between two thieves. Thus 
 history vindicated itself in advance by giving us a 
 good working plan for our treatment of the Haymarket 
 tragedy of Chicago. 
 
 And we persist in holding up as an ideal before 
 the young and impressionable of our day a man who 
 in his time was a criminal and ignominiously put to 
 death by the priests and the respectable element of 
 his age. Did we hold up Pilate and Caiaphas as 
 models we would be acting logically, as they were 
 representatives of the best society of the times, just as 
 the same pattern is in our own day. But if you 
 hold up such a man as Jesus for the admiration of the 
 plastic mind of our unenlightened, what can you expect ? 
 
 You must not poison the mind of the child with 
 the ideas of anarchism. The brain of a child is mag- 
 netic. It holds fast to its impressions. If you wish 
 a contented, leave-me-alone, stand-pat kind of a world, 
 change your ideals. 
 
 The revolutionists of the past are the result of the 
 ideals held before the people. 
 
 You must stop inoculating the minds of the people 
 with ideals exalting insurgency and anarchism if you 
 would be spared the rational results of such teachings, 
 or you may continue worshiping the ideals, if you hke 
 
36 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 in which case, expect not that you can gather figs from 
 thistles. If you sow the wind you have no right to 
 expect to be spared the whirlwind. 
 
 Those whom we hold up to be honored will be 
 honored. If we do not want to establish the unworthy, 
 why do we not rather extol those who never break the 
 laws of their country 'i Why do we not teach our 
 youth to revere the men and women whose whole 
 object in life is to do what others do ? This discon- 
 tented mob which threatens society is the fruit of the 
 ideals in the minds of to-day. We should not wonder 
 at its existence, but should rather look to its causes 
 and understand them. Now, what can you expect ? 
 
 And you, discontented hoodlum, what are you 
 whining and crying about — the rich oppressing you ^ 
 
 You of the dissatisfied element, I cannot see where 
 you have a kick coming! You make the solemn 
 declaration that you want a thing, and when you get 
 it you grumble that you have got it. What do you 
 want anyway ? 
 
 If I would declare that I believe that standing in 
 the way of an irresistible force means death, and that 
 I was far too young, good-looking, or for other reasons 
 known to myself, I did not wish to die yet, and if by 
 accident I happen to get in the way of this terrible 
 force, and some one would pull me away from my 
 dangerous position, should I be angry with him .? No, 
 I should be thankful and appreciative. For it was he 
 who saved my life! 
 
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT? 37 
 
 My Christian friends, the way to salvation you have 
 declared, is that if your coat is taken by any one to 
 give him the overcoat also; if you are smitten on one 
 cheek, turn the other to be struck as well; if you are 
 made to walk a mile, to walk another just to show 
 that there are no hard feelings on your part. 
 
 These are the things you declare you will have to 
 do in order to get yourself into the Kingdom of Heaven. 
 By the money and energy which you spend in placing 
 your wisdom and knowledge among the savages, by 
 the large salaries you spend for the pious to induce 
 them to become your spiritual guides, and by the way 
 you support all of those institutions, you give evidence 
 that you are very anxious to be saved. And when an 
 opportunity is offered you to make good and you are 
 not there, it looks like a bluff on your part, for if you 
 meant what you said you would be thankful to the 
 man who compels you to give him your overcoat when 
 he has taken your coat and you have forgotten to give 
 it to him yourself. He shows that he loves you, or else 
 he would not take the interest in you to save you. Yes, 
 you should be very grateful to him, but you know that 
 you are professing ideals that you will not live. You 
 know that if one smite you on one cheek, you will turn 
 the other in order to spy out a policeman to take your 
 assailant to the lock-up, and you will appear against 
 him in the police court next morning full of zeal to 
 have the fellow severely punished. Thus you miss 
 opportunities to put into actual operation the very 
 
38 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 maxims you pretend to admire. And you punish the 
 person who gave you the chance to Hve up to your ideal. 
 The fact is that you have no ideals. You talk 
 about them glibly, but you are false in fact to every- 
 thing you profess. Prepare then for the cataclysm! 
 What else can you expect ? 
 
ON THE GROUND FLOOR 
 
ON THE GROUND FLOOR 
 
 IF you wish to be on the ground floor get wisdom, 
 because wisdom is the ground floor and every- 
 thing in civiHzation rests on it. Wisdom begets 
 wisdom. Therefore the wisdomites are the only ones 
 who can wisdomize you. They will do it either by 
 getting you a degree, by converting you, or by getting 
 you a political job. It is honorable to be wise. The 
 wise are sought after at dinners and public gatherings, 
 are also invited to head a club list and become honor- 
 ary members therein. Their opinion is sought after 
 by com doctors, patent medicine men, women's clubs, 
 and other organizations which work for the uplifting 
 of mankind. 
 
 Education, ethics, and law are the fountain trinity 
 whence wisdom flows. While they each have a chan- 
 nel and a distinct field of operation of their own, their 
 work is very closely allied. Their work so blends and 
 overlaps that one cannot tell where the work of each 
 begins or ends. So they encroach on each other's 
 fields at times, but as they are not members of any 
 labor unions, it is permissible. 
 
 Wisdom is great! It is constantly misunderstood 
 because of its greatness. While we, too, would like to 
 
 41 
 
42 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 be wise, and we applaud wisdom, yet the wisdom of 
 the wise is a mystery to us — we do not understand 
 the why and wherefore. Professor Triggs, when told 
 that the "Women's Aid" complained that they could 
 not understand what he was driving at, in a lecture he 
 delivered to them, replied, "The lecture was too 
 deep; I guess I talk over their heads." By that he 
 meant that they were not wise enough to understand 
 him. While I confess that even I am not yet initiated 
 in its mystery, yet I feel myself capable of explaining 
 why wisdom is not understood. While it is so per- 
 fectly clear and comprehensible to the wise, yet it is 
 a foreign language to us. This I believe will ex- 
 plain it. The masses (myself included) are ignorant 
 of the premise on which wisdom rests. We do not 
 understand the universal scheme. What puzzles us is 
 the confusion with which life works through its varied 
 organisms. I do not see why each organism in life 
 should be guided by the life within itself, while man 
 needs a guide apart from the life which is in him, 
 and yet depends on life in another self. Why should 
 every being guide its own individual life and leave 
 others to guide their own, while man guides other 
 men's lives and neglects his own. In other words, why 
 should every being mind its own business, and man 
 mind everybody's business except his own ? A flower, 
 a tree, an insect, the animal and the fool, each comes into 
 being and reaches its end, without effort or restraint 
 on its part. It seems a flower gets pleasure from the 
 
ON THE GROUND FLOOR 43 
 
 blooming, a tree gets joy in its growth. From the 
 time the seed takes root till it sprouts and until it has 
 completed its growth, all is accomplished without 
 resistance. It finds its happiness in its transforma- 
 tion. While growing it is traveling on the road of 
 pleasure — the easy road. 
 
 A bronco roaming wild is thriving on the gratifi- 
 cation of its heart's desires. It resents the restraint of 
 being put into harness. It kicks, bites, and does 
 everything in its power to keep its freedom, to live a 
 happy bronco life. But a stronger force enslaves it 
 and compels it to do things it does not like to do. Man, 
 by conquering, subduing, and placing a bit in the 
 bronco's mouth, makes it obey him because it is then 
 easier for the horse to go in the direction led than 
 otherwise and get his jaws hurt. We understand that 
 much of it. What we do not understand is why it 
 does not work the same with man. Why does not 
 life direct man and make his evolution a matter of 
 joy, and if life could not do that, then why did not life 
 create a stronger force than man to take charge of 
 him, and, as with the bronco, have a bit placed in his 
 mouth. Even that would be more simply understood 
 than the explanation which the wise have given us. 
 They say that man's desires for pleasure are bent in 
 the wrong channel. If he would follow them he 
 would be doomed. If he would follow his inclination 
 he would stunt his own growth, and since he likes to 
 be wise, he does not need a superior force to subdue 
 
44 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 him. He supplies the power to other beings Hke him- 
 self to make him do that which he does not like to 
 do. Here the wisdomites get in their work. (You 
 can interpret that sentence more than one way.) They 
 come and save us from the awful peril which confronts 
 us. They begin with us when we are still children, and 
 keep it up until we become perfected and enrolled in 
 the wisdomites' camp; or if we are so unfortunate as 
 not to be successful in our examination, they do not 
 forsake us, but keep us under their guidance till we 
 die. And even then we are not sure that we are saved ; 
 we might go to hell after all. 
 
 It is so hard to become perfect. The road to 
 destruction is so broad and easy. The temptations 
 and possibilities to fail are so great that few escape 
 it. Narrow is the path and full of obstacles to virtue 
 and perfection. The possibilities of failure are large. 
 It is necessary, nay it is the duty of the wise, to safe- 
 guard the individual by making rules and counter- 
 rules for our guidance. The rules are so conflicting 
 that it makes it difiicult to master them. I, too, once 
 thought that I could make a rule, and like Buster 
 Brown, I got into trouble. (Unless you are wise you 
 cannot make any rule that will hold good.) I thought 
 it to be the principle of the wise that it is evil to gratify 
 one's desires. So when mother sent dainties to my 
 teacher (she loved the stuff mother made, she said), in 
 order to save the teacher from evil, I ate the dainties. 
 When she found it out she taught me a lesson that 
 
ON THE GROUND FLOOR 45 
 
 convinced me that my logic was wrong. Incidentally I 
 was convinced that I am incapable of making rules 
 for guidance; and that I must constantly consult the 
 oracle as to which is the right thing to do and which is 
 not. 
 
 All the fountain channels of wisdom proceed from 
 love. It is preached everywhere. They tell us to 
 love the good, the true, and the beautiful. Then they 
 tell us what is truth, what is good, and what is beauti- 
 ful. After that they tell us what love is. The analyst 
 will read our books for us and tell us whether it is 
 wise for us to read them. If he finds in the book any- 
 thing that will contaminate us he warns us against it. 
 Or he will see a play for us and instruct us whether 
 to see or avoid it. I have not yet been able to dis- 
 cover how the wise himself keeps from being inocu- 
 lated by a bad book or an unworthy play; and if he 
 be infected, then I should be chary of accepting his 
 advice. Indeed, I think there must be many like me, 
 who, on being warned against a book or a play, insist 
 on seeing it for themselves. Perhaps this accounts for 
 the large sales of bad books and the big crowds that 
 attend the production of wicked plays. It is surpris- 
 ing to see how wise the wise are. They can even tell 
 your thoughts, and if your thoughts do not agree with 
 what they tell you you think, then you think wrong, 
 and have to change them. 
 
 The mass would say that the author of a book 
 wrote what he meant and meant what he wrote, and 
 
46 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 let it go at that; but the ones who know, say that the 
 man who wrote the book did not mean what he said 
 he meant, but he meant what he did not say. 
 
 Take, as one example, the Songs of Solomon. The 
 masses read this book and think that Solomon meant 
 what he said. They think it is a beautiful love-song, 
 wherein the passionate lover gives full sway to his 
 feelings. A song which, if properly treated, would come 
 under the ban of the Puritan Comstock, and should 
 be excluded from the United States Puritan mail. Any 
 woman who loves and is loved will know that Solo- 
 mon sang to the woman who was first in his heart, 
 rejoicing in her beauty, and that he did not hesitate to 
 catalogue her charms melodiously and eloquently. No 
 wonder his wooing was so effective. 
 
 When Solomon speaks of the loved one's eyes, he 
 means real eyes — eyes that you see with. When he 
 speaks of the loved one's breasts, "Thy two breasts 
 are like two roses that are twins," he means breasts of 
 flesh. 
 
 How natural that song sounds. Many times I 
 felt bewildered like Solomon in his song, when he 
 wondered what to do with his little sister. One 
 senses one's feelings described in the Song of Solomon, 
 even though one never cared whether the gentiles came 
 to the church or stayed away. The wise say that the 
 whole song is symbolic. I have not been able thus 
 far to discover what Solomon did mean, as the wise 
 men are divided on that subject. Some say he meant 
 
ON THE GROUND FLOOR 47 
 
 a church; others he meant Jerusalem; still others that 
 he sings to the Jews. But they all agree that Solomon 
 did not mean what he meant. 
 
 The fact is so plainly seen that Solomon could 
 mean most anything except what he said. Whereby 
 we learn that the wise know the thoughts of others 
 better than they who think the thoughts. 
 
 There is another set of wise people, whom at first 
 I did not think wise, but after further acquaintance I 
 concluded that I was mistaken, and that they were 
 wise after all. They belong to the Tolstoi school. 
 Like fish, wisdom goes in schools. We have the 
 Hamilton, the Jefferson, the Jesus, with its different 
 branches; the Bakunian, the Karl Marx, the Tucker, 
 the Darwin, the Spencer, the Huxley, the Thomas 
 Paine, and the Franklin school — and there is wisdom 
 in all of them. The reason for my thinking that this 
 wise man is not wise is because I thought I under- 
 stood him — he said that all the other wise people are 
 not wise at all. I agreed with him that the univer- 
 sities are the hirelings of the rich, and that there is a 
 conspiracy between them to keep the masses in slav- 
 ery. The churches he claims are kept up by the same 
 class, and are not religious at all. I assented. Instead 
 of " resist not evil," which is the foundation of Chris- 
 tianity, the leaders in the church are foremost in or- 
 ganizing anti-vice crusades, capture and oppress the 
 poor thief, and reward the rich one. I also under- 
 stood. The solution to the chaotic condition, he said. 
 
48 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 is not to judge anybody, and have the rich get off the 
 backs of mankind. All this was perfectly clear to me. 
 All this wise man asked was to be made a leader, so 
 that he might straighten things out. I did not quite 
 understand that, but I did not care, as all the rest of 
 the things which I felt, he said he felt, and said them 
 so beautifully that I thought it was myself talking, and 
 for feeling like myself he would be as unwise as my- 
 self, but after getting better acquainted with him, I 
 discovered my error, and gladly take the opportunity 
 to apologize for the unjust thought which came to my 
 mind. His acts are as mysterious as are those of the 
 wisest. He practices the things which he condemns. 
 He is first to judge, and he is most considerate of his 
 reputation. He will come to the call of justice only 
 when it calls with a respectable retainer. He will not 
 stand alone, because he cannot afford it. And as for 
 getting off people's backs, he is on them with both 
 feet. He refuses to play with me, because he says that 
 he judged me and found me wanting, and that I was 
 not sincere in the game. He who confesses that he is 
 a parasite and a robber like myself refuses to asso- 
 ciate with me because I am a hypocrite like himself. 
 I have no objection to him as a playmate, why should 
 he object to me ? In psychologizing this one I dis- 
 covered that he feels keenly the woes of the universe; 
 and he is so impressed nevertheless with his own great- 
 ness that he eliminates the woes of the world by taking 
 care of the world, which is himself. It is the same old 
 
ON THE GROUND FLOOR 49 
 
 game, with a new label — the non-resistance label — 
 and it takes pretty well. 
 
 Therefore I conclude that while I cannot explain 
 any code of action to be wise (I cannot even say that 
 the things I think I really think, or just think I think 
 them; and really think something else which I don't 
 think). I know this much, that we fools are not to 
 be sneered at. It is we that furnish the opportunity 
 for the wise to show their wisdom. 
 
THE MAN TO BE 
 
THE MAN TO BE 
 
 SOME of the wisest may know why it is that the 
 end of a school term is called the "commence- 
 ment." Being a fool I admit that I do not 
 know, and I don't believe that even ordinarily wise 
 folk know. But that has nothing to do with the case; 
 the case being that at high school and college com- 
 mencements there are usually many or few essays read 
 by enlightened students. 
 
 I attended one of those ending commencements, 
 and one of the wisdomized students read an essay on 
 "Whither are We Drifting .? " 
 
 After explaining that wonderful change which will 
 take place in the next twenty years in all the sciences 
 — that we will travel to Mars by airships and our food 
 will consist of tablets, to save the stomach work — he 
 came in his discourse to man himself. The popula- 
 tion in the cities will increase an hundred-fold and we 
 will become more specialized than ever before, was 
 his theme. After the exercises luncheon was served 
 to the elect, and there the merits of the different 
 essays were discussed. They all agreed that the 
 paper on " Whither are We Drifting ? " was the most 
 scientific. They called the young student a seer, and 
 
 53 
 
54 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 agreed that there can be no question that man will 
 become more specialized than ever. Instead of eight 
 men making a pair of shoes, as it now takes, in the 
 future it will take forty; that in all the walks of life, 
 in all vocations, things will be more divided and 
 specialized. 
 
 "We are living in an age of specialization," they 
 said, *' and surely we will not go backward ; we will go 
 forward." 
 
 As usual the wise do not agree with me, but never- 
 theless, I am convinced that the coming man will be 
 a consolidated man. Please observe the trend of 
 man's endeavor, and note the results. He started with 
 the conception of things as a whole, and all things 
 divine. He [worshiped the sun, the moon, and the 
 stars, the trees and the creative function, whether by 
 symbol or in action — everything was God. That 
 was the Golden Age of his joy. Then the wise men 
 appeared and "analyzed God." They really had no 
 other claim to be wise than the discovery of good and 
 evil and the work of separating them. The office of 
 "wise man" maintains its pristine purpose with pro- 
 fessional purity unto the present time. He began 
 specializing — dividing things into parts. He spe- 
 cialized God and put him in heaven above; he special- 
 ized the devil and put him in hell below. But life 
 revenged itself on the specializer, and in turn man, 
 the specializer, became specialized. And now, when 
 it seems that things are coming to their oneness 
 
THE MAN TO BE 55 
 
 once more, man too, will consolidate himself and be- 
 come a complete man. 
 
 The wise, having analyzed the Universe, have 
 cautioned the multitude against worshiping that which 
 his priest disapproved. So it came to be that we 
 "drifted" into specialization. We placed God in the 
 "heavenly bodies," and all the rest of creation were 
 the world and the flesh, and these were of another 
 God, the devil by name. The priest himself was the 
 earliest to experience the revenge that time works to 
 the meddling wise. The priestly function had been 
 symmetrically composite. The priest was mentor, 
 tutor, doctor, lawyer, judge, politician, philosopher, 
 administrator, and executioner. The fine works of 
 art were made and preserved by religious bodies. 
 Gradually differentiation sheared one after another of 
 these prerogatives from him, until there is little left 
 him but his fantastic vestments, and even these are 
 disappearing. We used to take our medicine and ad- 
 vice from the priests. Who now would stoop to do 
 him such reverence ? No one takes the priest seri- 
 ously in these days. We pretend that we go to him 
 to cure our souls, but we'd like to see ourselves permit 
 him to monkey with our Hver, sit on juries, purvey our 
 diet, or obtrude his general boredom on us as of yore. 
 
 It is true that we have become specialized under 
 the tutelage of our wisest, but the Man to Be will have 
 other ideals, and he will scorn to be a part of a man. 
 
 Observe the distributing side of our commercial 
 
56 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 life. Formerly, when we went to market we found 
 all kinds of commodities under one roof. The same 
 man sold plows, pins, calico, bacon, hair-oil, tape, 
 and what not ? Then differentiation became the order 
 of the day. We went to the hatter for our hats, and 
 to the druggist for our pills, and to the butcher for our 
 raw meat, and to the deUcatessen shop for our cooked 
 meats. 
 
 A man devoting his time to one article becomes 
 perfect in his relation to his specialty. He learned 
 everything about it with the result of better satisfac- 
 tion, more value to the consumer, and more profit to 
 himself. After it became perfect by specialization — 
 when the function of speciahzation has brought the 
 improvements required of it — consolidation takes its 
 place. We have now what is called the department 
 store. A specialistic consolidation. Although resem- 
 bling the market of old, it is a forward step; it is the 
 perfectness of the specialist with the advantage of co- 
 operation. 
 
 In the shop the smith made knives, wagons; all 
 things wrought in iron and steel were made there. 
 The next step was to specialize and to perfect each thing. 
 Fortunes were made in the manufacture of screws, 
 bolts, and sundry "parts." Each part has become 
 perfect by specialization — consolidation is the result; 
 the great machine shops now make all the material 
 for their own consumption. The same is true in agri- 
 culture. Starting out with a general farm, with its 
 
THE MAN TO BE 57 
 
 many grains, fruits, and meats, the specializer comes 
 with the stock farm, the dairy-farm, and truck-farm. 
 Now consolidation takes place even there. 
 
 The man in mediaeval times, when gods were in 
 full swing, was a man who used his head, his hands, 
 and his heart. He was a complete man. Then the 
 specialist came. The schools and colleges have taken 
 men's heads; the church and the ethical societies have 
 taken man's heart; the factory has taken his hands; 
 with the result that hell is full of headless and hand- 
 less people, sent there by the theologians. The grave- 
 yards are crowded with heartless and handless stu- 
 dents, sent there by the dry, economic philosophy of 
 our professors. The earth has been paved with bones 
 and bathed with the blood of the workingman, slaugh- 
 tered by his own kind, because they have not used 
 their heads nor their hearts. Others have done the 
 thinking for them. The specialists have done their 
 work — man has become perfect in each of his parts. 
 I am looking for the consolidation of the perfect parts 
 of man. I am looking for the restoration of head and 
 heart to the brainless worker in the factory and he will 
 become an intellectual giant. The theologian will also 
 be a useful member in society when he uses his hands. 
 To be a laborer will be the sole patent of nobility, and 
 the pedant, the pedagogue, and the professor will 
 pocket his pride, purge himself of his pretensions, and 
 become a producer instead of a parasite. 
 
 Then we will be like children of one household. 
 
58 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 departing from the family roof in the morning. Some 
 go to pick berries, others to catch fish, others to till 
 the soil. Some in the workshops, some in the mines, 
 with the freedom to work at what pleases us, and to 
 change from one work to another if we choose. At 
 eventide there will be a gathering of those who have 
 each performed his allotted task — a union of the 
 scattered tribes. And it is then, when all the various 
 members come together once more in the joy of hav- 
 ing rendered each a service to each, that the day is 
 done. Any fool could read this lesson to the wisest, 
 but so overawed have we fools allowed ourselves to 
 become under the domineering masterfulness of the 
 wise, that only rarely will the fool trust himself to " sass 
 back." I wonder if I am a rare fool ? 
 
SUCCESS 
 
SUCCESS 
 
 WHOSO has achieved the purpose or has ob- 
 tained the thing that he desires has at- 
 tained Success. 
 
 There be wise ones who say that success has been 
 cornered and monopoHzed and opportunities are slen- 
 dering. There are still others who assure us that they 
 have a formula; that the "greedy rich" have not the 
 monopoly that envy attributes to them. There be 
 socialists, anarchists, disciples of Henry George, of 
 John Alexander Dowie, and Ella Wheeler Wilcox, who 
 have prescriptions warranted to transplant one from 
 Rag Alley to the desirable side of Easy Street. When 
 you get through taking their nostrums step around to 
 the fool's office and let her enlighten you. 
 
 Success is within you, I say. The attainment of 
 your ideal is success ; if not, then what is .^ Blame no 
 one (even yourself) if you fail in the realization of 
 your ideal. You get what you want if you want it. 
 
 I do not pretend to have a hard-and-fast definition 
 of success, that can be photographed and sent on 
 application for inspection and approval. 
 
 " He has made a success who has obtained the ful- 
 fillment of his strongest desire." 
 
 61 
 
62 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 Do not permit the supernally wise to dissuade you 
 by interposing some other interpretation of success. 
 Neither heed the successful man's advice, for unless 
 you fail he cannot succeed, hence his advice is for his 
 and not your success. Take a fool's advice and shun 
 those who would dazzle you with a description that 
 does not apply to an achievement of the real thing 
 which you most desire. 
 
 Why should you delude yourself with chasing after 
 something you don't want, because a sage has told you 
 that it is that which you ought to want ? Your own 
 ideal is clear enough. You do not require the medi- 
 cine men of your tribe to concoct ideals for you. You 
 have a multitudinous stock of desires on hand. Make 
 your selection. Set the chosen one on a pinnacle and 
 have no other gods before it. 
 
 Fame, wealth, happiness, revenge, notoriety, or 
 any other ideal that you set up in the holiest sanctu- 
 ary, is yours if you prove faithful to it. 
 
 Whatever your desire is you shall have. But you 
 must not seek to dictate by what processes it wiU 
 answer your call. You must be prepared to take it 
 by whatever route it arrives. 
 
 The price that has always been paid (there are no 
 deadheads on the roster) is the submergence of every 
 aim but the achievement of the ideal. You cannot 
 serve two masters; you cannot have two ideals. The 
 cost is marked in plain figures; it is fixed and invari- 
 able. There are no rebates, no free-list, no slipping 
 
SUCCESS 63 
 
 under the canvas. If you want a thing you must 
 strip yourself of all other purposes than that of obtain- 
 ing that thing. You must conquer every craving, kill 
 every desire, stifle every call, but the clamor of "get 
 there!" 
 
 All that is dear to you must be held in readiness to 
 be given in exchange. The love of parents and chil- 
 dren, your compassion with the widowed and the 
 fatherless, your virtue and comfort, and all else that 
 you have held dear must be sacrificed on the altar of 
 your ideal. There must be no looking back, lest you 
 become a pillar of salt. However, if it is what you 
 most desire you will not count the cost too great. If 
 you falter at the cost, if you find there is something 
 you won't give in payment for your ideal, you have 
 been mistaken in your ideal; that something which 
 you hold back is your ideal. 
 
 You have heard your dearest friend say that she 
 would give anything to be rid of her bad temper. 
 She thinks amiability is her ideal. But you will dis- 
 cover that she has not selected her strongest ideal with 
 discrimination, for she is not ready to give every- 
 thing for her ideal of a good temper. She is willing 
 to give everything except her bad temper. She is not 
 willing to pay the price. Then why should she be 
 favored ? Why should a law be violated in her espe- 
 cial behalf by giving her something she don't want ? 
 Her bad temper is her ideal. You are convinced that 
 you must obey the laws of symmetry, gravity, and pro- 
 
64 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 portion in construction. You get tools and instruments 
 to make sure that you may not go astray; even in mak- 
 ing mud pies you observe the mud law. Then why 
 should you think that you can get a free pass to suc- 
 cess ? 
 
 The price of success is all, even life! To give 
 one's hfe for one's ideal is a privilege which only the 
 earnest seeker of the ideal may enjoy. 
 
 Life means death anyway. Then why should you 
 waste it on anything except in the payment for suc- 
 cess ? Whosoever makes his life serve his ideal, saves 
 it in giving. To give your life for your ideal means 
 that you have not lived in vain; that your life has been 
 sold in the best market and the highest price has been 
 realized. To die for one's ideal means to be bom 
 again. 
 
 Examine the successful, and note how true they 
 have been to their god. Observe W-rr-n Spr-ng-r, he 
 is in nowise distressed because ramshackle old buildings 
 and decrepit second-hand elevators contribute to his 
 ideal. Nor do the McC-rm-cks permit any twinges 
 because labor troubles lead to the killing of a few men 
 and the hanging of anarchists. The occasional burn- 
 ing of an oil well are not episodes of a disturbance to 
 the R-ck-f-U-r ideal. 
 
 Consult not the heart when you are on the success 
 path. (Except when your ideal is happiness, you will 
 find no happiness outside of your heart.) 
 
 "Mine and Thine" is an intellectual philosophy. 
 
SUCCESS 65 
 
 The heart has nothing to do with it. The heart says 
 Give and the mind says Get. Get success, is an in- 
 tellectual proposition. This probably explains the 
 reasons of the different degrees of success. It appears 
 that W-rr-n Spr-ng-r's mental equipment is inferior 
 to the R-ck- f-ll-rs and the McC-rm-ck thought 
 magazine. 
 
 Know also, that you must have an earnest con- 
 viction that the thing you lust for is a primary object. 
 My fool formula will not work in a confusion of second- 
 aries. See to it that you have not given the highest 
 seat in the synagogue to a mere adjunct. Be sure 
 that the thing you want is desired for itself, and not as 
 a means of securing some other end, else there will be 
 the disappointment of getting the thing you thought 
 in your mind you wanted, rather than the real thing 
 for which the heart lusted. 
 
 One estimable old friend assured me that he wanted 
 a million or two. " Not for myself," he insisted, *' but 
 that I may give it to the suffering poor." 
 
 "Then," said I, "it will be quite the same if I 
 were to get the million and distribute it in accord- 
 ance with your schedule." But it wasn't the same at 
 all. He wanted to be a benefactor. Not a blame- 
 worthy ideal, but quite different from what he thought 
 until the test was applied. 
 
 No matter what your desires may be, the satisfac- 
 tion of them depends on other people. Hence you 
 must be circumspect in the selection of those you use; 
 
66 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 you must see that none of them have any survival of 
 heart. If you have not sufficient intellect of your own 
 to guide you, do not despair. Let that be the least of 
 your troubles. There are many who are eager to 
 render the sort of service you require. But see that 
 the intellect you enlist is simon-pure, and then let the 
 substitute be your guide. Obey orders without stray- 
 ing from the path. If you play your part well your 
 intellectual bankruptcy will not be detected. Woe to 
 you if you are not true to the intellectual manager! 
 Society will condone anything if intellect stands guard 
 to set you right, but intellectual insolvency is never for- 
 given. 
 
 Remember, it is sometimes wise to appear foolish; 
 do not indulge in asking questions — for often there 
 are no answers. And sometimes it is necessary to 
 back up to get a better start. 
 
 It is essential to have public approval while we are 
 on the success path. It is indispensable! It is so 
 easy to secure the approbation of the public that one 
 is not justified in attempts to defy public opinion un- 
 less your ideal be love of justice. In such case public 
 opinion be hanged! Public opinion for revenge will 
 hang you, but your ideals will survive the gallows 
 and the cross. Public opinion can be molded by 
 the press. Arson will be condoned if there is a 
 spice of adventure in burning down a distillery, or 
 blowing up an oil well, to say nothing of wrecking 
 banks and corporations. Robbery by rebates and 
 
SUCCESS 67 
 
 other discriminations presents no difficulties; and mur- 
 der, if we can procure it by the militia or the hang- 
 man, is respectable. These diversions are incidents 
 of success, and comport with the ideal in whose service 
 they are enlisted. 
 
 You will have to join the Combine of Modem 
 Saints. A gift now and then to a hospital, church, or 
 libraries and social settlements when in season, also 
 have their appointed time; and occasionally art is quite 
 the vogue. 
 
 The people will give you anything you want if 
 you'll but ask in the right way. They care not if 
 you kill some of them, or rob them all, but do it beau- 
 tifully. They will prove loyal if your rapacities are 
 cloaked with "Law and Order" and your misdemean- 
 ors tagged "virtue." They will let you denude them if 
 you accomplish it in the name of civilization. 
 
 Be true to the esprit de corps of success. No man 
 can be successful enough to stand alone. Only the 
 success of failure can indulge that luxury. And above 
 all, avoid any tendency to being natural. You will fail 
 if you allow love any play. Nevertheless, at times you 
 are expected to manifest symptoms of love. This entails 
 the necessity of becoming an imitator. A good article 
 of make-believe will be effective as the genuine in the 
 atmosphere in which your lot is cast. The moment 
 you yield to love you have failed; success will tolerate 
 but one God. 
 
 Let me repeat: If you be an earnest seeker for 
 
68 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 success, your heart must be dead and the whole cam- 
 paign shifted to the intellect. That, too, is dead, but 
 the intellect being wise is too wise to know of the dead- 
 ness of its death. It continues in galvanic imitation of 
 life. One Chicago millionaire has been dead for forty 
 years, but so excellently galvanized is he, that the ad- 
 ministration on his estate is postponed from day to 
 day. When seen in his automobile only last week he 
 had a very natural, life-like look in his eyes, but the 
 death grip on his wallet emitted the odors of the tomb. 
 This essay is not written for the benefit of the wise 
 in order to convince them of the efficacy of chan- 
 ging their ideal. They will not accept my foolishness 
 any more than I will bow down before their wisdom. 
 It is the ideal of the wise to establish ideals for others. 
 Let them air their wisdom. They, too, have a prov- 
 ince in this world of many mansions. I do not be- 
 grudge them the space they cumber, nor do I commis- 
 erate the victims of their wisdom. Not that it is my 
 ideal to decry the wondrous wise! That is a bit of 
 en passant by-play with which I amuse myself while 
 resting for intervals in the pursuit of my central ideal. 
 
SHOES, PIGS, AND PROBLEMS 
 
SHOES, PIGS, AND PROBLEMS 
 
 WHILE trying on shoes at a shop one morn- 
 ing I was meditating on the nature of 
 problems, and why it was that I had none 
 to solve, and was not even sure that I would recognize 
 one should I encounter it in my rambles. Presently I 
 heard myself asking, " What is a problem ? " and the 
 clerk, probably thinking that the question had been ad- 
 dressed to him, replied: 
 
 "A problem, miss, is to get a number six foot in a 
 number three shoe. The way I've seen it solved seems 
 satisfactory. The last place I worked we used to 
 mark down shoes on bargain Fridays. I was new at 
 the place when I learned about problems. I asked 
 the manager one Thursday night how much to mark 
 down our neat six-dollar gaiters. The manager in- 
 structed me to put up a sign, * Shoes marked down 
 one-half.' Then he directed me to mark down the 
 size accordingly, and not bother about the price at all." 
 
 "We don't do such things in this house," he went 
 on to state, seeing that I was more interested in prob- 
 lems at the moment than in footgear, "but at that 
 place we used to tell our customer we were not sure 
 that we had anything in stock quite small enough to 
 
 71 
 
72 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 fit her, unless perhaps a couple of pairs we happen to 
 have in stock that were ordered especially for Cin- 
 derella (but proved a trifle snug) might serve. We 
 rarely failed to solve the problem that way." 
 
 While I was down at the farm, I heard a great 
 commotion in the direction of the sty one morning. 
 Investigation showed that two fat pigs were lying in 
 the trough, and the remainder of the drove were ex- 
 claiming against that bit of pre-emption with more 
 vehemence than euphony. 
 
 I asked the assembled disputants the cause of the 
 uproar, and was given to understand that they were 
 discussing the problems of life. I asked them what 
 were the problems of life, and they said that the 
 pigs on the outside wanted to get on the inside. I 
 asked why they did not let them in, and a great big fat 
 hog said: 
 
 "We have natural rights to life, liberty, and the 
 pursuit of happiness"; and all pigdom squealed: 
 
 "We have natural rights to life, liberty, and the 
 pursuit of happiness." 
 
 "And the object of life is not swill," said the hog on 
 the inside. 
 
 "And the object of life is not swill," responded the 
 pigs on the outside. 
 
 "We have a right to free assembly and free grunts," 
 said the hog on the inside. 
 
 "We have a right to free assembly and free grunts," 
 they all grunted. 
 
SHOES, PIGS, AND PROBLEMS 73 
 
 "We must restrain our piggish nature," he said. 
 
 "We must restrain our piggish nature,'* the echo 
 repHed. 
 
 And the pigs on the outside were on the outside, and 
 the pigs on the inside were on the inside. 
 
 My intention was to write a chapter on the Phi- 
 losophy of Pigville. You see we have books on almost 
 everything except the pig. Our younger brother is 
 being awfully neglected, though there is much to say 
 and write on pigs. Carlyle says they are so human. 
 Yet there are some points of difference between the 
 swine and the human species. I have seen "gentlemen" 
 who were said to be "as drunk as a hog," but I have 
 never seen a pig as *'drunk as a gentleman." 
 
 On the surface it appears that all you can say 
 about pigs is swill, but swill is only a small part. There 
 is the religion of the pigs; the political economy of the 
 hog; there is the educated pig — he must not be neglected; 
 then there is a pig morality — ^why should not our dear 
 little brother have a morahty ? I studied them closely 
 and discovered that they have no monogamistic mar- 
 riages, and I asked them why they practiced polygamy. 
 The reply was that to do elsewise would interfere with 
 the stock market, and anything that interferes with the 
 stock market is a crime. The same old sow suggested 
 that I should solve their economic problems. So I 
 called them together and said to them : 
 
 "You are pigs, and have pig natures; it is a mis- 
 take for you to restrain your pig nature. You really 
 
74 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 never do it, but only make a piggish bluff at repression, 
 which reduces the volume of your lard and the delicacy 
 of flavor of your hams. Being pigs you should be 
 candid in your lives. Your natures demand that you 
 root, feed, love, serve and reproduce your kind, and 
 that you offer your bodies a smoked, salt, or sugar-cured 
 sacrifice to man, which is your reasonable service and 
 in consonance with pig destiny. This talk about 
 restraining your piggish natures is all squeal, and there 
 is neither coherence nor music in it. You'll find no 
 peace in resistance, rights, or repression. Be good." 
 
 There was an educated pig in the assembly, and 
 he took issue with me. "There are certain natural 
 rights," he proclaimed, "and it is a mistake to declare 
 that we should not restrain the other pigs from invading 
 the natural rights of pigs. We deny that any one has 
 the right to deprive us of our happiness. And my 
 solution of this problem is that the pigs in the trough, 
 while they have a perfect right to be there, should 
 submit to a system of taxation whereby their occupancy 
 will tend to the benefit of the whole drove." 
 
 I never cared for educated pigs, and of all educated 
 pigs I deem the single-tax variety the least attractive. 
 However, his contention being based on the wisdom 
 of natural rights, his pig philosophy is of a piece with 
 that of his human confrere. 
 
 Then I went to an entertainment and there saw a 
 problem solved. The performer had on a table before 
 him two hats. Into one he dropped a little ball. 
 
SHOES, PIGS, AND PROBLEMS 75 
 
 "With your kind permission, ladies and gentlemen, 
 one and all," he pattered, "I will now, by the mere 
 waving of this magic wand, cause the little ball to pass 
 from the hat into which you saw me deposit it, into 
 
 the other So, now it has passed through the 
 
 substantial material of both hats without in anywise 
 injuring the fabric of either. But that is not the most 
 wonderful feature of this act. Observe me now, as I 
 cause the little ball to return to the hat into which you 
 saw me place it. By the mere utterance of a magic 
 formula, accompanied with the proper manipulation 
 of my all-powerful wand, I command the little ball to 
 get back to the first hat, and .... here, ladies and 
 gentlemen, it is; and you will observe as I pass the hats 
 around among the audience that they have not been 
 injured by the passage of the balls." Everybody 
 applauded. I have a strong suspicion that the ball 
 never left the hat, but should I see things like the wise 
 do I would be no fool. 
 
 I came very near solving a problem once by guess- 
 ing the solution. My guess was right, but the prob- 
 lem turned out to be no problem at all, else my 
 guess would have proved futile. The problem was 
 stated in these terms: Given a tub full to the brim 
 with water, and another tub full of live fish, how 
 comes it that one may drop all the fish, one by one, 
 into the tub of water, without causing the water to 
 overflow ? 
 
 My guess was that it was a lie. 
 
76 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 I think that there are many problems just Hke that 
 one. Perhaps they are all that way. 
 
 I rather suspect that one of the chiefest problems 
 of life is of that same fishy flavor. The problem is: 
 Given a God that is All in All, and humanity that has 
 only what God grants. How comes it that God gives 
 his creatures desires which he expects them to suppress .? 
 
 My guess is that the premises contain a lie. 
 
 You are entitled to a guess in your turn. If you 
 get more comfort from your guess than I get from mine 
 you must have a wonderful capacity for comfort, and 
 in that case I may be justified in the assumption that 
 you are a greater (because happier) fool than I. 
 
 The religious problem, as I have been told by those 
 in the business, is how to save man. Human beings, 
 to all appearances, seem to be well content and loving, 
 but they say they are not. They have information 
 from somewhere — I know not where — that man is 
 lost; and the problem is how to save him. 
 
 After lookiing carefully at the problems which people 
 are trying to solve, I find that a problem is to do things 
 in an "undoable way." 
 
 The social problem that worries our wise men a 
 great deal I have heard discussed a number of times and 
 various remedies suggested. I once heard a lecture by 
 a wise man and the problem of peace was his subject; 
 and the trend of his conversation was that, by having 
 arbitration instead of war, we will have peace in society, 
 and the problem of life will then be solved. 
 
SHOES, PIGS, AND PROBLEMS 77 
 
 Nature has ordained that if you do not comply 
 with her rules that that particular member of your phys- 
 ical body which violates the law suffers. When that 
 member escapes punishment another organ or member 
 suffers. When a man overloads his stomach with 
 liquor, headache follows. It is identical in the social 
 world. The disregarding of nature's rules brings pain 
 in the physical body, or discord in the social organism, 
 and that pain or discord is not a punishment but a 
 warning. To live in harmony and peace is nature 
 obeyed. All our troubles come from the unnatural isms 
 and wasisms which create problems. Nature is broad 
 and great and openhanded. It is the broad, big un- 
 trammeled highway. And because the wasisms and isms 
 are forever crowding us in the narrow little alley, men 
 find no room; consequently, we are constantly falling 
 over one another, and the result is discord and pain. 
 To keep us in this narrow alley and maintain peace 
 is the problem, and the suggestion of the wise man is, 
 "The way to have peace is to have peace, and that is 
 by arbitration to make one or the other of the parties 
 in dispute shut up, and thereby not annoy the rest." 
 
 It seems to me that all problems are about like this : 
 How can I pinch the cat's tail and escape the scratches 
 that are the penalty for squeezing cats' tails ? The only 
 way that could be done would be for the cat to take a 
 non-resistant attitude, and if the cat could do that (which 
 by the way is not cat nature) you could not then 
 pinch its tail. 
 
78 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 It seems to me that you cannot have peace by force. 
 You can only have peace when you remove the inhar- 
 monious cause, otherwise it will only prevent discord 
 from expressing itself. When my child is crying because 
 of a toothache, it is no remedy for me to tell it to shut 
 up because the noise annoys me. Suppose she complies 
 with my request (arbitration having been applied to 
 prevent the expression of discord) would that stop the 
 toothache ? Would you get peace by stopping the 
 expression of discord ? It seems to me if there is 
 anything wrong in the physical or social world it would 
 be better to remove the cause, and until the cause is 
 removed, let us have as much discord as possible. If 
 your home is on fire, you want a 4:11 alarm to wake up 
 the household; and you are willing that the din and 
 clamor of the alarm should continue until the wake-up 
 process is complete. The way to remove the cause is to 
 understand that nature has not given man desires to 
 suppress them. It is not in prevailing upon man to do 
 things he does not like to do, or restraining him from 
 things he does like to do that will give us peace. 
 
 However, the wise ones are not satisfied to have 
 things natural. That would be too easy; and therefore 
 they must have problems wliich can never be solved. I 
 have no problems and no philosophy of Life to bother 
 me, — I just live. This conglomeration, the I, with 
 feelings, emotions, thoughts, pleasures, ambitions, is 
 a wonderful communistic society of organs harmoniously 
 co-operating with no dictatorship — an anarchistic 
 
SHOES, PIGS, AND PROBLEMS 79 
 
 dream — each performing for the good of the whole. 
 They have no wish, no desire, save the desire of the 
 whole. When I walk on the street my eyes pick out 
 nice clean spots for my feet to step on; when it would 
 please my stomach to chum some good fruit, my eyes 
 carefully select, my arms reach out, and my hands pluck 
 the fruit. There is no jealousy, no bickering. In 
 case of an accident to one member, all the others rush 
 to assist it. This morning I thought I felt a commotion 
 in myself. Investigation proved that different members 
 of my body were each claiming recognition. The 
 eyes claimed that if it would not be for them the other 
 members could not see a thing and would be helpless; 
 therefore they ought to have all the glory. The ears 
 said without them you could not hear. The legs said 
 if they refuse to take me from place to place I would 
 be in a bad fix. The stomach said that it grinds all the 
 food for the nourishment. Sex claimed that it is the real 
 thing, for it is impossible for any other member to have 
 existence except by its action. And so on every member 
 set up its claim. Before I had time to straighten things 
 out for them I slipped on a banana peel and then I 
 saw that it was only imagination, for up went my 
 hands, my body, and all to regain my equilibrium. 
 No one member can have any pleasure without sharing 
 in company with all. In milk there is cream, sour 
 milk, and water. In cream there is butter and 
 buttermilk. In sour milk there is cheese and water. 
 Can you tell me which drop of it when it comes from 
 
80 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 the cow is cream, which is water, and which is cheese ? 
 Each part, each drop of milk, contains all. There is a 
 stomach, a liver, and all organs of my being in my eye, 
 and still they are eyes. More than that, everything 
 in this universe is in the I — trees, cows, fishes, the 
 sun, the sunshine, the rain and wind, the moon and the 
 stars are in the I. I am the universe, and I in turn 
 am in the trees, in the cow, and in the sun, being all 
 that I am in the eye. I have eyes and they see certain 
 things which it pleases me for them to see, and I see 
 that they see. I have ears and they hear. Certain 
 sounds give me pleasure, and I seek them, and shun 
 those which give me pain. I have a sense of touch — 
 I feel with my hands and my body. There are certain 
 things it pleases me to touch and I touch them; and 
 the touch of others being repulsive, I avoid them. All 
 members work in harmony without any philosophy. 
 My stomach (I used to have two) is always at work, 
 and when it is empty it sets up a clamor; so it gives me 
 pleasure to have my stomach filled, and neither myself 
 nor my stomach care whether we conflict with the rights 
 and the wrongs of society so long as we get our stomach 
 filled. I am very careful of my stomach. I have it 
 surrounded by a wall. My principal organ, sex, is 
 the most delicate of me; it is protected by a pair of hips, 
 that no harm may come to it. I am very careful of 
 my eyes, and let down the lids and cover them when 
 they are not in use or are in danger. I am very careful 
 of my ears, and they are protected by frames. I have 
 
SHOES, PIGS, AND PROBLEMS 81 
 
 a brain that does the thinking, and I have a hard skull 
 to protect it — its private office. 
 
 Is it any wonder that we poor fools, we happy fools, 
 laugh at you wise, whose wisdom undertakes to es- 
 tablish peace by force ? 
 
 A fool will tell you wise ones that the only way to 
 establish and maintain peace is to remove the inhar- 
 monious conditions that disturb peace. You have 
 crowded us off nature's broad highway, and you punish 
 us for chmbing your silly fences, and even for laughing 
 at your flimsy barriers. Whenever we think it worth 
 while we'll ignore your imaginary fences and enjoy our 
 inheritance to the earth unobstructed and unafraid. 
 
 Then, ye wise ones, "What are you going to do 
 about it?" 
 
 It seems to me that the real problems of the wisest 
 are still before them. 
 
DEMOCRACY 
 
DEMOCRACY 
 
 THERE once was a man who knew what a palla- 
 dium was. He died without bequeathing the 
 mystery, and so we are bereft of a positive 
 knowledge on the subject. There is, however, a tradi- 
 tion that our constitution is the palladium of our 
 liberties. Hence we should have reverent regard for 
 palladiums. 
 
 How grateful we should be that we are privileged 
 to live in a glorious democracy. Each man a sove- 
 reign! All are equals ! No rulers! The administrators 
 — servants of the people; no aristocracy. 
 
 In this great democracy each man is at work under 
 the palladium. All are laborers. There are variant 
 degrees of labor. Some are better pleased with their 
 job than others. But there are always and everywhere 
 malcontents who are dissatisfied with the work as- 
 signed them. Some of these creatures complain because 
 he who performs the most laborious services receives 
 the slenderest reward; as though the delight in render- 
 ing service were in itself not sufficient. 
 
 Yes, it is true, that many of those on whom is con- 
 ferred the honor of performing the hardest tasks, do 
 not appreciate the distinction thus lavished upon 
 
 85 
 
THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 them. Society could not exist without classes. Our 
 best people would be in pitiful plight if there were not 
 a tired class from which to recruit its asylums, its 
 social settlement work, its houses of prostitution, and 
 its police force. 
 
 Society requires a class that must build houses, plan 
 and supply the furnishings for these edifices, make the 
 roads, grow foodstuffs and fashion the clothing. 
 It also needs a class that will use the stuff created. We 
 need people to live in the houses, make use of the 
 roads, eat the stuff which is grown, and wear the clothes 
 fashioned. Then we need another class to keep the 
 peace between them that make the things which they 
 care not to use, and the class that uses the things but 
 makes none. I once asked one of these working fellows 
 why he wanted to be on the police force. He replied 
 that he might as well have an easy job as any other 
 fellow, and, he added, "we must have a police force, 
 just as we must have sunlight. Life and property 
 would not be safe otherwise." 
 
 It would seem that the less one has the more he 
 requires protection for what he has not, against the 
 other fellow who also has nothing. 
 
 Workers of another class are those that do not 
 work with the hands. Theirs is brain work. They 
 furnish the intelligence for the manual laborer, and 
 give him permission to work. They are called em- 
 ployers of labor. They work the workers and become 
 forceful factors in social life. What would become of 
 
DEMOCRACY 87 
 
 our poor ignorant working-classes who know only how 
 to work and obey were it not for our better classes 
 who furnish employment for them ? 
 
 I remember hearing of an occurrence that illustrates 
 how sadly our workfolk would fare if they were not 
 given employment. During the reconstruction days 
 following the close of the Civil War, an old darkey 
 sauntered into the handsomely appointed offices of 
 the Freedmen's Bureau at Memphis. 
 
 "Is dis yer de Freedmen's Beuoh .^" he asked, in 
 open-mouthed admiration of the walnut and brass 
 fittings of the handsome quarters. 
 
 "This is the place," courteously answered the sole 
 occupant, who appeared to be the officer in charge. 
 
 "Well, wot yer gwine do fer de cuUud man ?'* 
 was his next inquiry. 
 
 "We can't do anything for you just now," said the 
 functionary. "The last appropriation for this office 
 was only about enough to put up these fixings and pay 
 our salaries, and Congress will not — " 
 
 "Lor bress ye, suh," interrupted the recently eman- 
 cipated citizen, "I aint axin' fur no money, no suh! 
 All I want is jess a job er wukk. Kain't you all fine 
 me airy job .^" 
 
 The Mississippi was high at the time, and lots of 
 driftwood was floating down the stream. The official 
 tried a bit of pleasantry. 
 
 "I'll give you a job," he said to the old man. 
 "There's lots of driftwood coming down the river. 
 
88 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 You go out there and gather all you can, and I'll give 
 you half you get." 
 
 "All right, boss," said the darkey to his new em- 
 ployer; and away he went. 
 
 By next night the diligent employee had piled up 
 a considerable stack of wood. He was congratulating 
 himself on the success of his work, and making a mental 
 survey of his half of the proceeds, when he was ap- 
 proached by a man whose gold-braided cap gave 
 evidence of officialdom. 
 
 "That's a pretty good pile of wood you've gathered, 
 uncle," said the newcomer. "I'll take this half over 
 here," he said as he indicated one end of the pile. 
 
 "Lor' bless my soul!" ejaculated the old fellow. 
 "You doan look like de Freedman's Beuoh gemman." 
 
 "No," he replied; "I have nothing to do with the 
 Bureau, but I'm the wharf master, and according to 
 the city ordinances I'm entitled to one-half the wood 
 that's piled up on this levee." 
 
 "Ef dats de law, all right; go ahead. You tekk your 
 harf, and de Freedman's Beuoh tekk his harf — only 
 I hope you gemmen won't mine ef I tekk one little 
 stick off'n you all's harfs so's I kin mekk a fiah to cook 
 me any little ting I mout be able to steal fore mornin.' " 
 
 I tell this little story to illustrate in a convincing 
 way that there's no excuse for any able-bodied man 
 ever to be out of a job. There are always benevolent 
 employers who will give us work. We can hear this 
 same truth from every pulpit, though perhaps lacking 
 
DEMOCRACY 89 
 
 the anecdotal form. And there is always some sort 
 of government that stands ready to protect the producer 
 against the curse of a surplus. Nor do these various 
 governmental agencies neglect to protect the employer 
 in his share of the product — and help him get it from 
 the producer. 
 
 Brain work is very effective. It gathers more in 
 one hour than the toiler can produce in twelve. There- 
 fore the brain-worker does not need to work as long 
 as does the man who works with his hands. It is a 
 fine disposition of things. 
 
 The brain-worker requires an occasional vacation. 
 The manual laborer can dispense with such a rest. 
 The latter needs to work longer and more continually 
 so as to keep him out of mischief. The employer's 
 food, too, must be of better quality, his clothing of 
 finer texture, and he must have servants to wait on 
 him. The working person must learn habits of thrift, 
 and should not partake of expensive foods. Indeed, 
 adulterated and coarse food is more in keeping with 
 Ms position in life; while shoddy clothing will give 
 him a feeling of decent humility, without which he could 
 not so readily be kept under the wholesome control of 
 his benefactor. 
 
 Then there are workers who teach others how not 
 to work. This is one of the most important branches 
 of our Democracy. We call it education, and worship 
 at its shrine. The end and aim of education is to 
 impress upon its victims the necessity for a ruHng class ; 
 
90 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 and the rewards which are promised to the faithful 
 pupils is either entrance into the aristocracy or a good 
 job serving the people. The teacher may truly be 
 said to be engaged upon brain-work, for the efforts 
 of the teacher's brain is to stunt that of the pupil. 
 Neither the teacher nor the pupil brag about this open- 
 ly; both of them are very much impressed with the 
 nobihty of their mission. An utter absence of a sense 
 of humor assures the teacher of promotion and the 
 pupil of appreciation. 
 
 The nobility of the teacher's mission is one of our 
 most sacred beliefs. We know that the teacher is 
 overworked and underpaid. The work consists of 
 twenty-two to thirty hours per week for eight or nine 
 months in the year. During a year's work the average 
 teacher can instruct fully one hundred pupils in the 
 mystery of escaping work. The ignorant masses 
 who are taught only the dignity of labor do not appre- 
 ciate the fine work of teaching. The masses must 
 be taught a more proper esteem for intellect, and all 
 our teachers are beautifully intellectual. 
 
 The work of priest and parson is another branch 
 of labor that is highly regarded. These check the 
 criminal intent of man. They teach peace and brother- 
 hood. They are the spiritual guides of society, God 
 bless them! Horror on horror's head would accumu- 
 late were it not for these indefatigable workers. So- 
 ciety requires of them only two hours' work per week, 
 on the first day thereof, which being the Lord's day 
 
DEMOCRACY 
 
 is not reverently regarded by the lords, but has some 
 recreative value to those who are not in the lord class. 
 
 The work of the Sunday workman is to convince 
 the poor man that he has a better chance to get to 
 heaven than has his master. For this teaching the mas- 
 ter willingly and generously pays the hire of the Sunday 
 workman. The laborer of the pulpit proves to the 
 masses that it is foolish to desire earthly possessions — 
 that the rich are better able to endure the pangs of 
 Hell, hence all earthly possessions should be turned 
 over to them, out of which to pay the parson's salary. 
 Many fine preachments may be heard during those 
 two Sunday hours. We learn that the poor man needs 
 only to inform the pastor that he is hungry and in- 
 stantly he will be fed with advice concerning Good 
 Citizenship and the proper humility of those whom 
 it has pleased God to cast for the humbler parts. 
 
 Were it not for these laborers in the vineyard of the 
 Lord we should never have discovered the close relation- 
 ship between religion and art. The trouble, we are 
 told, with the disinherited is, that they are soul-hungry. 
 Let them go to the art museum during the Saturday 
 half-holiday, and to church on Sunday, and all will 
 be well. 
 
 Now and then a preacher or college professor 
 succumbs to the temptation of the devil. They blas- 
 pheme the highest and mightiest of earth. They 
 see smirch and taint on the wealth from which they 
 have been fed. There are not many of these, and 
 
92 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 they are easily silenced. They are not taken seriously 
 by the good people, and are consistently ignored by the 
 masses. They are the victims of the sympathetic 
 temperament. They commiserate the poor. They 
 suffer agonies of excruciation through their compas- 
 sion for the sufferings of the downtrodden. And 
 their pain is all for naught. For the very people 
 with whom these generous souls sympathize are not 
 suffering, in actuality, anything like the pangs that 
 their champions are enduring in their commiseration. 
 
 The downtrodden do not chafe. The poor do 
 not suffer. They are lulled to sleep by the hope that 
 they, too, shall have their innings at the lord game. 
 Dear me! if the disinherited should ever really get 
 to the point of suffering that the "reformers" think 
 has already been reached — but why dwell on that 
 picture ? We did not like what happened in the 
 French Reign of Terror. That was too large a dose 
 of democracy to contemplate complacently. 
 
 As education is the teaching of methods whereby 
 we can find the way to let others do our work, so reli- 
 gion seems to be a method of saving lost souls that are 
 not lost. A shepherd who left his flock afield and 
 strayed into the village tavern insists to this day that 
 it was the sheep who were lost. There is no soul 
 that so much needs saving as his who thinks all others 
 are lost. 
 
 I lost my garter this morning, and the loss caused 
 me much worry. It is very annoying to lose one's 
 
DEMOCRACY 93 
 
 garter. The loss of a garter implies loss of control 
 of the stocking. However, there's an immense differ- 
 ence between the loss of a garter and the loss of a soul. 
 In both instances there is a minus mark involved, 
 but as to the garter one loses, one seeks to recover it 
 for herself, while in the matter of a soul one can scarce- 
 ly lose it before all one's neighbors are diligently 
 undertaking to save it for her. Moreover, one is 
 promptly made aware of the loss of a garter by the 
 unrestrained and licentious behavior of the stocking, 
 while one may lose her soul and go about her usual 
 avocations without any sense of stress or strain. To 
 judge from the demeanor of those who have been 
 gathering lost souls, it is a fair inference that all 
 the decrepitude of their many finds has clung to the 
 finders. A sour lot of souls some of them must have 
 assimilated in the saving. 
 
 And some souls seem to require frequent if not 
 periodic saving. It's like a fellow with two shirts 
 that he sends to the laundry each week. In the course 
 of the year he had one hundred and four shirts washed, 
 yet he has but the two. Hence when we hear the 
 ardent soul-saver recount his triumphs, and he tells of 
 ten thousand souls saved, we are justified in demanding 
 an itemized account. Did he save the same soul 
 ten thousand times ? Or two souls on five thousand 
 several occasions ? Or — but the mathematical combina- 
 tions are infinite. 
 
 I attended a revival meeting once, and saw the 
 
94 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 operators in the act of saving souls. The revivahst 
 by one sentence saved fifty souls, and the sentence was 
 "Where will you be one hundred years from now, 
 where will you be one thousand years from now, where 
 will you be ten thousand years from now ?" And I 
 wondered how many souls he could save if he would 
 ask his audience where they were one hundred years 
 ago, where they were one thousand years ago and 
 where they were ten thousand years ago ? That 
 would be more convincing, as there is a larger class 
 of people who can tell what transpired yesterday 
 than who can tell what is going to happen to-morrow. 
 The soul-savers always appear eager to go where the 
 well-fed souls require saving. They discern a "call" 
 to a more populous field with much less diflficulty than 
 if the call chance to be to a smaller town. The fact 
 that the larger the town the larger the salary has, of 
 course, nothing whatever to do with the case. The 
 "call" from one pastorate to another is not the only kind 
 of pastoral call. There is another kind, and the envious 
 say invidious things of the pastoral calls that are made 
 while the man of the house is away for a day or on a 
 journey. A Kentucky preacher received a call to 
 a religious conference; so did a Chicago woman. He 
 moved to Chicago and has been calling ever since. 
 
 One of the triumphs of Democracy which Mr. 
 Carnegie may interweave into some future edition of his 
 edifying book on that topic, is the discovery of the law of 
 compensation within the realm of triumphant democ- 
 
DEMOCRACY 95 
 
 racy. Our heavenly guide has shown us that the more 
 spiritual the work the more material commodities should 
 be exchanged as fair compensation. 
 
 He has located heaven away off toward the zenith, 
 and bids you to look up — and while you are looking 
 up he looks down. Should he discover that you are 
 burdened with possessions that are calculated to im- 
 peril your attainment of the goal toward which you 
 are looking, he deems it no less a duty than a priv- 
 ilege to effect a change of owners. For all the world 
 like the game I used to play on my baby brother — 
 telling him, in my artful little way, to look up at the 
 bird, while I possessed myself of his goodies. The 
 essential difference between my cute little game and 
 the preacher's is, that I filched the dainties for the fun 
 of teasing Buster, while his reverence "plays for keeps." 
 
 Little brother fooled me once by refusing to be 
 fooled. When I bade him look at the bird he only 
 laughed and reached for his goodies. Funny what a 
 queer child he was. If big folks were not wiser than 
 babies it would make a substantial difference in the 
 bank account of His Holiness. 
 
 While the pedagogue is teaching the young idea 
 to overreach, and the parson is busy saving souls, let 
 it not be thought that our material welfare is being 
 overlooked. Our lawmakers and judges are giving their 
 serious attention to such matters. Fortunately for 
 our country there are always many patriotic and gener- 
 ous souls ready to sacrifice themselves to serve their 
 
96 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 country in legislative and judicial capacities. There 
 is a legend that once there was a lawyer who declined 
 to immolate himself on the altar of patriotism. It 
 is further stated that he would have had to surrender 
 a practice worth $1,200 per annum for a judgeship at 
 that time paying but $900 a year. Later he was suf- 
 ficiently patriotic to accept a job as senator at $8,000 
 a year. 
 
 The duties of the lawmaker are to provide pro- 
 tection for society. To carry out his purpose in the 
 line of his duty, he must see to it that the humble poor 
 are protected against the predatory rich. Of course, 
 the rich as a class have some rights, too, which cannot 
 be overlooked. It is truly refreshing to observe with 
 what a wealth of patriotic zeal they engage upon their 
 task. To look at them in session you would esteem 
 them as mere, ordinary, plain men. This is because 
 of the democratic spirit of our age. Our greatest, 
 wisest, noblest, and best take a pardonable pride in mas- 
 querading as humble citizens. But their work shows how 
 sapient and pure they are. Elected by the enlightened 
 masses, they are truly representatives of the source 
 from whence they spring. The ballot is a very wizard 
 in selecting for us our choicest and finest and most 
 sagacious. 
 
 I have known a disreputable tavern-keeper who 
 pandered to the most depraved people in his district; 
 whose word was not accepted by even the most credu- 
 lous, who, when he became a "grave and reverend 
 
DEMOCRACY 97 
 
 seignor" in our state senate, immediately became the 
 paragon of statesmen, the model of virtue, and the 
 pattern of the boys in the high school of his district. 
 This shows the wisdom of the ballot. That states- 
 man associated himself with the vile and disreputable 
 in order to discover their real needs so that he might 
 understand and supply those needs after his election. 
 He really was a great man in disguise. 
 
 There is a dignity about public service which pri- 
 vate service somehow does not grant. Our legisla- 
 tors are public servants. When we consider the 
 difficulty inherent in serving some one person, we can 
 understand the sacrifice that our public servants make 
 in the multiplied duty of serving the many. 
 
 I once told my cook that she ought to be very proud 
 to be a servant. "All our great men are servants," I 
 assured her. Thereupon she called me a fool, and 
 took other service. She served me at last by giving 
 me some occupation for my alleged thoughts. The 
 burden of my cogitations is to discover how she found 
 me out. 
 
 The pubHc servant is he who protects us from all 
 evil. He saves us from the vicious elements in society. 
 
 His work is hard on the brain, and therefore he 
 must have an abundance of material things to com- 
 pensate the great drain on his system. He loves to 
 serve the public. So much so indeed, that he is in- 
 clined to be jealous of the like service being rendered 
 by any other person than himself. He often spends 
 
98 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 more than one-half of the emoluments of his job in order 
 to keep from being supplanted by some other servant 
 who would dearly love to serve the public. 
 
 The public servant is often a glittering and conspic- 
 uous success as a financier. Without any special train- 
 ing in finance, before assuming the duties and respon- 
 sibilities of being a public servant, he early discovers 
 methods whereby it is possible for him to save, during 
 his incumbency, anywhere from 97 per cent to 2,463 per 
 cent of his salary. These mathematics are not taught 
 by the laborers who teach young children, but the 
 results of that system of financiering are held up to the 
 tender and plastic mind of childhood as worthy of all 
 emulation, and indicative of great merit. 
 
 The labor of being a public servant may be summed 
 up as being good business and scintillant patriotism. 
 A fool might be pardoned for considering it as patriotic 
 business. 
 
 There be other laborers, too, who sit astride the 
 necks of the lower classes. All of them have no greater 
 desire than to benefit the worker who works, but they 
 are not willing to dismount. And the worker who 
 works and carries his additional burden seems disposed 
 to feel a vague sort of pride in being a part of the system 
 whereby he can sustain the entire load of society. The 
 merit, however, is not so much liis as that of the masterly 
 trainers who keep him contented with his lot. When 
 we see a particularly well-trained dog we give our ad- 
 miration to the trainer — not to the dog. 
 
DEMOCRACY 99 
 
 Great is Democracy ! Under its palladium even the 
 humblest of us lias a voice. We are permitted to vote. 
 We elect our public servants. Then we permit our 
 good masters to select a committee to watch our ap- 
 pointees. Then we have a voters' league to keep an 
 eye on the committee. Then we have a society to watch 
 the voters' league. And so ad infinitum. 
 
 An English writer would not even deprive his poul- 
 try of the franchise. He tells us that when he kills a 
 hen for his dinner he always consults the fowl as to her 
 preference in the matter of her cooking. If she is too 
 stolid (as so many of our voters are) to signify her 
 preference, of course he goes ahead in his own way. 
 She has had her day at the polls, and having failed to 
 exercise her privilege, has practically abandoned her 
 rights. Should the chicken protest against being 
 plucked, that would be anarchy, and she would then 
 suffer death as a penalty. 
 
 Our public servants manipulate the taxing power 
 very much as my English friend wields his cleaver on 
 chicken-killing day. Plucking is good for chickens, 
 and taxing is good for the producers of commodities. 
 
 A fire insurance company protects us from loss by 
 fire; an accident insurance company from loss by acci- 
 dent; a life insurance company from monetary loss by 
 death. 
 
 But government is a combine. All rights are taken 
 under its wings and protected. The charge is small, 
 and is collected whether you agree or not. You pay it 
 
 t.o^^- 
 
100 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 when you buy the things you need. They are getting 
 the trading-stamps instead of you, and for that you get 
 so much protection that it is almost incomprehensible. 
 
 For the payment of a certain sum, an accident, life, 
 and burglar insurance company will pay you the 
 amount insured on your furnishing the evidence that 
 you sustained the loss against which they insured you. 
 
 How different it is with government. The govern- 
 ment charges you so much for being protected from all 
 aggressions, and when they have failed to protect, and 
 you have been aggressed, there are more fees which you 
 pay, by way of expense of trying the aggressor, and if the 
 aggressor has been proven guilty (which means that 
 the government has not kept its contract to protect you) 
 there is another cost to you to defray the expense of 
 feeding and clothing the aggressor. 
 
 If a person would run an insurance company on 
 that basis, how insured would the insured ones be ? 
 
 Altogether we should be very proud of our Democ- 
 racy. 
 
PRESSING HIS TROUSERS 
 
PRESSING HIS TROUSERS 
 
 IT is a great privilege to be civilized. Uncivilized 
 people have too little regard for what their neigh- 
 bors think; although there is just the possibility 
 that uncivilized neighbors are not disposed to be cen- 
 sorious. 
 
 Two people, in civilization, who become enamoured 
 of each other and have the prompting to rear a family, 
 must first consult the neighborhood and secure the sanc- 
 tion of some authority under proper and altogether 
 necessary forms or incantations. 
 
 Should they discover that they were mistaken in the 
 strength of the attachment wliich brought them to- 
 gether, they can again go to the neighborhood with 
 their grievances, and by subjecting their differences to 
 other formula, they may be relieved of the burden of 
 continuing an untenable relation. 
 
 Uncivilized people would regard so intimate a rela- 
 tion as concerning only the contracting parties them- 
 selves. Their point of view is warranted by their state 
 of uncivihzedness. 
 
 The ethics of civilization demand that we be thor- 
 oughly unselfish in such matters. If we find that our 
 marriage contracts have involved us in misery, we should 
 
 103 
 
104 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 bear up under the affliction. It is but little to suffer 
 for the good of civilization. The Tolstoian doctrine of 
 non-resistance should serve well in a divorce court. If 
 I can convince a court that I am dead in love with my 
 husband I can get a decree within an hour. If it 
 becomes known that I am miserably unhappy with 
 my spouse, the court will deny me relief. If you analyze 
 it critically you will see the wisdom of that. Why 
 should people separate merely because they cannot 
 agree ? Disagreement is a good reason for them to 
 keep on living together. Uncivilized people would 
 separate when harmony ceases, but the ethics of civilized 
 people is to be unselfish, and the more misery you have 
 the larger the duty implied. 
 
 A Chicago man applied for a divorce, and his peti- 
 tion set forth the specification that "tootsie wootsie" 
 failed to perform her wifely functions, and refused to do 
 her bounden duty in not pressing "hubby's trousers." 
 
 The club women of Chicago have seldom enjoyed 
 a more enticing subject. And I thought that I, too, 
 would take a hand in this discussion, and figure out in 
 my own way whether it be indeed a woman's duty to 
 press her husband's trousers. I picked up Webster's 
 unabridged dictionary to find what duty was, and I 
 saw that he divided it into three classes, natural, social, 
 and legal. 
 
 A man's obligation to nature is called his natural 
 duty; his obligation to society is his moral duty; his 
 compliance with the law is his legal duty. 
 
PRESSING HIS TROUSERS 105 
 
 Angels may well fear to tread upon the sacred 
 ground pre-empted by the definition-makers. I am a 
 fool, and have no fear about rushing into the fray, and 
 declaring that when Webster does not agree with me, 
 then Noah is wrong, and that there is no other duty 
 than legal duty. We look in vain for the germ of duty 
 in nature. It is not the duty of the lightning to flash; 
 it just flashes. It is not the duty of the bird to sing; it 
 sings. It is not the duty of the rose to emit perfume; 
 nor of the dunghill to — but why go into unsavory 
 crannies, though nature lead the way .? Nor is there 
 any evidence of moral duty anywhere on the mental 
 horizon. There is only Love that prompts us, and 
 wherever anything is done that is not done by love it is 
 done by hypocrisy. Surely duty is not hypocrisy — or 
 am I foolish in saying this ? If one be honest only 
 from a sense of duty, how honest is he ? 
 
 But legal duty is a "sure-enough" concept. We 
 may obey our parents because we honor them. He is a 
 coward who obeys from fear. Hence obedience 
 yielded from any other sense than that of love is coward- 
 ice, not duty. Shall we exalt cowardice ? Being a fool 
 I would advise against that course. What say you, O 
 ye wise ? Duty means to do something you don't like 
 to do, while obedience to nature is one of joy, besides 
 giving you health, pleasure, and happiness. Nature 
 will always give you the desire to fulfil the obligation she 
 imposes upon you. Disobey nature and she will 
 punish you with ill health and misery. Society will 
 
106 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 thank you for complying with its moral obligations. 
 If you are the cause of stopping a runaway horse, 
 thereby preventing an accident; if you save a drowning 
 person, or in any manner become active in averting 
 danger to others, you become a hero. You have the 
 praise of the public. Society will shun and look down 
 upon you if you have not the welfare of others at 
 heart. Rewards for obedience and punishment for 
 disobedience are the methods by which life imposes 
 its obligation on the individual. 
 
 Now, our legal duty is to obey the laws. There is 
 no direct reward for obedience to legal behests, but 
 there is punishment for disobedience, if one be not 
 careful. Hence the first duty of the citizen is to beware 
 lest he be caught undutifully attitudinizing toward the 
 law of the land. There are some laws so adjusted that 
 there is a direct reward for conformity. As for in- 
 stance, those enactments that provide that one-half the 
 penalty be awarded the informer. A fool might wish 
 that the penalty in all such cases were lashes on the 
 bare back, in order that the informer might be justly 
 rewarded. However, it is not for the fool to make laws. 
 Then there are extra rewards for officers of the law to 
 perform so disagreeable a "duty" as to hang or elec- 
 trocute the condemned. There is here a sort of con- 
 fession that society is requiring from an officer a service 
 which itself condemns, and soothes the conscience of 
 the functionary with some thirty pieces of silver. It 
 
PRESSING HIS TROUSERS 107 
 
 is against the natural feeling of man to kill, maim, or 
 injure his fellows, and therefore he must be paid for 
 his act in some more substantial manner than the mere 
 recognition of duty done. And so, in greater or lesser 
 degree, all these things which are done from a sense of 
 duty are in conflict with the natural and moral per- 
 ceptions of man. Any other compliance with *'good 
 citizenship " does not hinge upon the duty spook at all. 
 A mother nurses her child, not because she has to, but 
 because she loves to. If you dislike to take a fool's 
 dictum for this, analyze for yourself, and see where it 
 leads you. Hence the whole scheme of society is being 
 sustained by an artificial prop. It is the province of 
 the school and church to keep this prop continually 
 braced. Obedience to the law is the surface cry of 
 these institutions. They teach it, preach it, insist upon 
 it, yet all the cajolery and blandishments employed are 
 not sufficient without the element of force. And with 
 all the force that is exerted to sustain the laws, they are 
 violated continually. There is no one, however much 
 inoculated with the duty spook, who does not violate 
 some law some of the time, though perhaps it cannot 
 be said that any one violates all the law all the time. 
 Yet the more conscious we are of disobedience to exist- 
 ing laws, the more new laws we pile upon our statute 
 books to be broken. 
 
 Pressing a husband's trousers does not appear to 
 be a natural duty. If it be a natural pleasure, then the 
 
108 THOUGHTS OF A FOOI. 
 
 reward for doing the pressing is the pleasure that 
 follows the operation. The woman in the case cited 
 seemingly derived no pleasure from pressing the 
 trousers of her lord and master. Hence nature had no 
 voice in the case. Nor could such a service be called 
 a moral duty, inasmuch as there is nowhere a moral 
 code whereby one could be adjudged immoral by re- 
 fraining from applying the pressure of a hot iron to 
 hubby's "pants." Indeed, it may be said that the 
 custom is one more honored in the breeches than in the 
 trousers. But that is the comment of a fool, and need 
 not be seriously considered. I am ostracized for being 
 a fool, but I have never yet heard of a woman being 
 ostracized for omitting to press her husband's trousers, 
 nor, on the other hand, have I ever heard a woman 
 praised for faithful attention to the requirements of 
 her husband's bifurcated garments. Even at funerals 
 of noble women have I never heard (and generally at 
 that time all the good deeds, big or little, are said in her 
 favor) the funeral orator say, *' Here Hes a noble woman 
 who never missed a day without pressing her husband's 
 trousers." 
 
 While there is a question of legal duty, no penalty 
 seems to have been prescribed for non-observance, and 
 no legal reward for compliance. Perhaps if after all 
 it were a legal duty, you would find that the wife of each 
 public functionary would be setting a lofty example by 
 being photographed at the ironing-board and having a 
 daily levee at pressing time. And by not doing it, it 
 
PRESSING HIS TROUSERS 109 
 
 is plainly to be seen, that it is not a legal duty. While 
 it is neither natural, moral, nor legal to press husband's 
 pants, yet if your husband be a tailor, and you an indus- 
 trious woman, you will press pants, sew buttons, and 
 do anything to help along. 
 
POTATOES 
 
POTATOES 
 
 BY means of certain noises, such as hisses and 
 grunts, producing in combination various 
 sounds, created by manipulations of the muscles 
 of mouth, jaws, lips, throat, and tongue, thoughts are 
 communicated among mankind. Before language was 
 well developed there must have occurred many oddities 
 of expression. Doubtless numerous misunderstandings 
 resulted by reason of different words being used for 
 names of one and the same object. But as the tailless va- 
 rieties of bipeds adopted lingual methods of communica- 
 tion, certain sound-tags have at last come to stand for 
 definite material objects, thoughts, and feelings. Thus 
 words have meaning. Vocal labels which express whole 
 ideas are not easily misunderstood. When I use the 
 word potato, I make a mental image of a succulent 
 tuber, white inside, and with a surface of brown, red, 
 or gray; a most convenient adjunct to roast beef. I 
 convey to the listener a conception in all respects similar 
 to my own, he knowing that I refer to a certain food 
 product which grows underground. Thus, without 
 further description, a potato is known as a potato. 
 
 Acts are likewise named. We speak of a robber, a 
 thief, a genius, and a prostitute, and a whole idea is 
 
 113 
 
114 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 conveyed by each of these terms, and quite a definite 
 one. But the irregular tags which we attach to many 
 things — tags which convey an uncertain, double, or 
 shifting meaning — are most puzzling, and therefore 
 remain quite outside of my comprehension. The brain- 
 fagging puzzle is the irregular label which stands for 
 effect, and carries an equivocal meaning with it; — 
 own cousin to the vessel that has a false bottom. 
 
 When I use the word thief I do not have in mind a 
 general term which applies to all persons that secretly 
 appropriate property belonging to another, for if one 
 steals an overcoat and people know that he has an over- 
 coat at home and so has no need of another (and also 
 that he has the price to get himself an overcoat if he 
 wishes), he cannot then be called a thief; he is a klepto- 
 maniac, which is a joke on stealing. The word thief 
 is used and applied only to the person who steals an 
 overcoat because he is sorely in need of one, or he needs 
 the money which the overcoat would bring him in the 
 pawnshop. This man is a thief! 
 
 The term "thief," besides explaining the act, carries 
 with it also a certain reproach. On the other hand, 
 when I say "he made a good bargain," I mean that, 
 while the fellow took the property of another like the 
 thief did, his act is deserving of praise; and a thief is 
 not a thief. When I call a man a robber, I am thinking 
 of one who takes property by brute force — a term which 
 carries with it an odor of ill-repute; a man to be 
 avoided. But when I speak of some robbers I call them 
 
POTATOES 115 
 
 soldiers. They are patriots who save the country — 
 whose career is one of conquest; and robbers are not 
 robbers. The term murder signifies the taking of the 
 fife of one human being by another or others, and there 
 is conveyed an idea of violence, cruelty, and disgrace. 
 But the infliction of capital punishment, which is also 
 taking the life of another may ehcit my approval; and 
 thus murder is not murder. 
 
 The term prostitution impHes a temporary, love- 
 less, but pecuniary relationship between man and 
 woman, and it has disgraceful implications; but I jus- 
 tify the pride of a woman who has made a good catch; 
 her act is like the other, but meets with my approval; 
 and a prostitute is not a prostitute. A fight is looked 
 upon as an unmanly and disgraceful proceeding, and 
 one who will strike another with his fists is described 
 as being low ; but let a thousand men fight with another 
 thousand, the act is called war, and I justify and praise 
 it; for a fight is no longer a fight. When a stronger 
 person hits a weaker we call it a cowardly act, and it is 
 condemned; still a judge on the bench said that should 
 a man whip his wife, a mother her daughter, a teacher 
 her pupil, it is called discipline. Thus it is easy to be 
 seen that a potato is not always a potato after all, no 
 matter how clearly the word potato signifies the staying 
 powers of the Irish stomach; no matter how plainly 
 the word calls to mind the irregular-shaped and various- 
 sized murphies which the farmer digs, sacks, and takes 
 to market. 
 
116 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 Being what I am, I do not pretend to know when a 
 potato is not a potato, but I do know when a potato is 
 a potato, and I know that I know it. As an ignoramus 
 then, I should hke to be informed why it is that an 
 untruth is sometimes in plain English called a lie, and 
 at other times a piece of diplomacy ; why should scandal 
 passing from mouth to mouth be called harmful gossip, 
 and immediately it appears in a daily paper is dignified 
 by the name of news; why playing upon green cloth is 
 called gambling, while playing upon the susceptibilities 
 of financial lambs, who bleat on the floor of a chamber 
 of commerce, is called speculation. I am waiting for 
 a man to arise who can explain to me the difference 
 between a libertine and a devil; who can tell me why 
 a beer-soaked laborer is described as being drunk, and 
 a champagne-saturated baron is spoken of as being ex- 
 hilarated. Again, who can make as plain as day the 
 difference between hypocrisy and the keeping up of 
 appearances; or between a stuck-up woman and one 
 having a proud, haughty bearing. The latter I am 
 sure could make clear to me when a potato is not a 
 potato. It is a fool's privilege to ask questions, and the 
 wise may answer them in terms the scoffer cannot 
 understand. 
 
 Mary goes into symbolical gustatory raptures over 
 beef steak and green onions, while she does not care a 
 single kitchen whiff for the names with which these 
 solid dainties have been labeled. The real joy lies in 
 the juicy steak and the succulent green onions which 
 
POTATOES 117 
 
 she masticates so vigorously. Had our ape-like pro- 
 genitors of the long ago named the juicy steak and green 
 onions loneliness and barrenness respectively, Mary 
 would have gone into raptures just as readily. She 
 would have ruminated the loneliness and barrenness of 
 it all, while ** darning " all thoughts of steak and onions f 
 If *' a rose by any other name would smell as sweet,'* 
 is there any explanation to be had of the case in hand ? 
 Though if a rose, called a skunk-cabbage, would smell 
 as sweet, would a skunk-cabbage, though called a rose, 
 cease to present its pungent challenge to our olfac- 
 tories ? If we were all skunk-cabbages would we de- 
 light in enjoying our own odors ? Of one thing only 
 am I sure in this connection, that a potato is a potatc 
 sometimes. 
 
BUZZ-SAWS, SHORTCAKE, 
 AND RIGHTS 
 
BUZZ-SAWS, SHORTCAKE, 
 AND RIGHTS 
 
 TO a man and his wife a child was born. As 
 they were legally married, I suppose the child 
 had a right to be bom. The infant had a head 
 and all the members which belong to a well-regulated 
 head. It had two legs, and each leg had a foot; 
 on each foot there were five toes. It also had two 
 arms with hands attached to them, and each hand 
 had five fingers. I suppose he had a right to every- 
 thing he had. 
 
 The parents named the boy Eugene McCaren Bum- 
 phrey, and I cannot see why they should not have the 
 right to name him Bumphrey, or any other name, if they 
 had so chosen. 
 
 No wise man will deny that Eugene had the right 
 to life, to his name, and to his fingers. 
 
 Nevertheless when in the course of time he went to 
 work, Eugene lost three fingers off his right hand while 
 employed at the saw-mill. He didn't know much about 
 the taking ways of a circular saw when its buzz is in 
 active business. 
 
 The wise men have not yet informed us whether, 
 in taking Eugene's fingers, the saw also took his right 
 
 121 
 
122 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 to the fingers. Now, if the saw took the fingers and 
 left Eugene the right, what good is the right to Eugene ? 
 He cannot manipulate the right in such a way as to 
 make it serve in the stead of the missing digits. If, on 
 the other hand (although really the left hand has 
 nothing to do with the case), the saw, in taking the 
 fingers took the rights also, what use can the saw make 
 of the rights to Eugene's fingers ? 
 
 Another question for the wise to decide is (that same 
 saw having at various times dismembered other people), 
 when in the course of its human acquirements it will 
 have accumulated flesh of sufficient variety that it will 
 have in the aggregation a whole human being, has it, or 
 has it not, also acquired the right of a whole human 
 being, namely, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happi- 
 ness; and if it did, then what particular human being 
 will come within the purview of these joint (if for a time 
 disjointed) rights ? 
 
 The wise man may not be able to point out the 
 individual who would in such fashion become the Slave 
 of the Saw, but we must surely insist that the saw's 
 right is not that which we have in the Declaration of 
 Independence, and is called natural rights, but it ac- 
 quired its rights by conquest. That may be; but 
 where did Eugene get his rights to his fingers in the 
 first place ^ And do we by conquest acquire not only 
 the thing we capture, but the rights that it is claimed 
 go vdth the acquisition ? 
 
 It must be fine to be wise enough to solve such a 
 
BUZZ-SAWS, SHORTCAKE, AND RIGHTS 123 
 
 riddle, yet there are many who do it off-hand, or, as in 
 this case, off-finger. 
 
 We have been assured by the abnormally wise that 
 each of us has the right to life. In that case he who 
 takes his brother's life is justified, for he cannot take 
 that life dissociated from the rights that go with it, and 
 if he has taken the right along with the life, then he has 
 a right to take it. 
 
 A mere fool has Hfe, and does not require any right 
 to life so long as life remains in him. And what in 
 the name of all that is wise will any one do with the 
 right to live when he has not life to live with ? 
 
 If a fool is overboard and striving to keep afloat 
 until help arrives, he is concerned about preserving 
 his life, and has neither time nor strength in such a con- 
 tingency to be striving to save his right to live. Quite 
 otherwise with the wise man. He will not trouble to 
 save his life at all. His sole purpose will be to preserve 
 his right to life, and he will insist on it even as he gasps 
 his last gasp. 
 
 Really I cannot muster up a very high regard for 
 the right to life after one has become a *'demnition 
 moist body." 
 
 Recently some of our wisest insisted on a " sane " 
 celebration of Independence Day. By this they mean 
 that fewer firecrackers should be exploded. Of course 
 they will sneer at a fool who suggests that it were the 
 part of sanity to omit from the program of that holiday 
 our raucous insistence on the doctrine of natural rights. 
 
124 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 We won no rights from Great Britain when we set up 
 national housekeeping on our own hook. The mother 
 country had none that we could win. We did not fight 
 our Revolutionary War in order to gain any rights. Our 
 revolt was a denial of rights. We denied that King 
 George had any of the rights cited in our catalogue of 
 denials called our Declaration of Independence. 
 
 There is a most important difference between our 
 denial of the right of the other fellow to aggress, and 
 our putting a chip on our own shoulder, calling it by 
 the name of *' rights " in order to terrify the invader. 
 
 When I was down at the farm last year, my uncle 
 brought in some peaches on Saturday night. My 
 cousin and I ate them, not knowing that they were 
 especially consecrated to the purpose of Sunday peach 
 shortcake. Uncle was wroth when he learned that 
 his plans had been frustrated, as he is ''powerful fond 
 o' shortcake." He said that he had planted "them 
 peaches, and had the right to say what was to be done 
 with 'em, and didn't like the idea of a passel of silly 
 gals that oughter have better sense nebbin' in." He 
 had all the rights after we had devoured his peaches 
 that he had ever had, and I never thought to ask him 
 why he did not have Jane make a shortcake of the rights, 
 for I know we did not eat any when we feasted on his 
 peaches. 
 
 When the wise speak of the non-interference with 
 speech, press, assembly, and the like, they refer to these 
 liberties as rights. Yet the thought of so thinking of 
 
BUZZ-SAWS, SHORTCAKE, AND RIGHTS 125 
 
 them would never have occurred to any one had no 
 invasion of these Hberties ever been undertaken under 
 the name of ** rights." 
 
 Free speech and kindred hberties are not dependent 
 on the doctrine of rights, but, on the contrary, are 
 assailed only in that name. We are on firm ground 
 when we demand to be shown by what right our 
 liberties are abridged. The invader cannot show us 
 how his rights to invade were established, or whence 
 derived. We are secure against his claim of rights by 
 denying them. Once we acquiesce in his plea, and 
 oppose it by asserting contrary rights, we may in turn 
 be called upon to show the origin of the rights we claim, 
 and I warrant even the wisest of us will stumble at that 
 task. 
 
 Does the bird need any declaration of her rights to 
 fly ? I know she needs wings, and if I should pluck 
 one of the wings she would then be unable to fly. But 
 should our wise legislative assembly declare that a 
 bird has no right to fly, will that cause her wings to 
 wither, or what will happen to her ? 
 
 A fool does not claim the right to laugh at the wise. 
 It is enough to know that the wise have no rights 
 against being the subjects of the laughter of fools. 
 
IN WONDERLAND 
 
IN WONDERLAND 
 
 IN the pottery, by the wheel sits the potter, molding 
 pots from the clay which is before him. It is a 
 work of pleasure with him, for, after admiring the 
 pots for a while, he puts them back in the clay pile to 
 be reshaped into new pots. How marvelously the 
 potter works the unending variety of the pots. The 
 pots are alive; they never are at a standstill — always on 
 the go ; they are not to-day what they were yesterday, 
 and to-morrow they will be again different. 
 
 Life, the potter, is an artist. He molds his pots in 
 various shapes and endless designs. I understand that 
 he is always at work. We have no certain knowledge 
 when he began, neither do we know when he will end. 
 The designs are infinite, from the common thistle to 
 the most delicate flower; from the tiniest blade of grass 
 to the most majestic oak. The marvelous ways of 
 life, the unending change in all his creation, challenges 
 attention. From the smallest to the largest works of 
 art in this workshop of life a constant change goes on. 
 And how deftly, too, the constant waste is repaired — 
 the steady drain compensated. There is not much 
 difficulty in the absorption and repair of waste by units 
 which move not from place to place. The rain and 
 
 129 
 
130 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 sunshine comes to the plant to assist in its repair; if 
 those be denied, it withers and decays. Some forms 
 of vegetation apparently assist themselves; many 
 plants lift their heads to the sun, others set wiles 
 to ensnare; some decoy by fragrant perfumes, others 
 by pleasant juices. Their needs are satisfied by the 
 mere lifting of their heads and the absorption of a 
 few insects. 
 
 In the animal world the organic units move from 
 place to place and the change is more apparent. Each 
 comes into being small and weak, but complete. It 
 gathers and absorbs to itself parts of other organisms 
 till it reaches perfectness, then dies. It dissolves itself 
 to be absorbed by others. In the animal, from the 
 tiniest amoeba to the most complicated form, the repair 
 requires effort and exertion. The more complex an 
 organism the greater the effort required of it. A worm 
 is satisfied to eat of the earth on the spot where it is. 
 Birds have to travel miles in order to get away from 
 climatic conditions. The more complex the organism 
 the more it needs to assert itself. When we come to 
 man, the most complicated animal of them all, his con- 
 scious effort is required in repairing his waste. 
 
 Scientists tell us that by waste and absorption we 
 have new bodies every seven years; that is, in seven 
 years the old body is wasted away, but by constant 
 repair — the building up of new tissues — new bodies 
 are created. 
 
 Man needs air, sunshine, water, food, and shelter. 
 
IN WONDERLAND 131 
 
 Air and sunshine are around about him; for food, 
 water, clothing, and shelter his exertion against nature 
 is ceaseless. He must be active, he must be creative, 
 to satisfy his constant needs. His capital to start on 
 is a head, hands, and feet. The head plans, the feet 
 take him to the place of action, and with the hands he 
 makes tools and executes and carries out the ideas 
 formulated by the brain. He prepares his food, shelter, 
 clothing, and means of locomotion. Any defect in 
 either of these natural tools renders him unable to 
 satisfy his wants. Unless charitably inclined comrades 
 of his species provide for the idiot, the cripple, the 
 paralytic, and repair the waste for them, they must 
 perish. 
 
 Life, therefore, means work, and the joy of work is 
 the joy of life. We see this in animal and human devel- 
 opment. To be active, to create, to meet the constant 
 need — these are titles to survival. Nevertheless, there 
 is a tendency on the part of the more active to be kindly 
 to the laggard. Even the drone is tolerated long before 
 he is driven from the hive. Life consists in repairing, 
 in compensating, for the inevitable waste. Death is the 
 result of neglect. 
 
 And ruminating thus I fell asleep, and dreamed 
 a dream of Wonderland. There is no law, as yet, 
 against dreaming. The nihilist may dream in Russia 
 without awaking in Siberia. The most pious Methodist 
 may dream of dancing without being in danger of the 
 council, and he may escape brimstone and other satanic 
 
132 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 chemicals if his dream shift from the waxed floor to 
 the poker table. William Morris dreamed a dream of 
 anarchic communism and labeled it " News from No- 
 where." Perhaps he derived more real pleasure from 
 the dream than he could have realized from a " coming 
 true " of the filmy fabric of his fatigue. 
 
 Professor Triggs dreamed that he was in a city of 
 comrades. He dreamed a little too loud and woke 
 Charhe Hutchinson, who in turn woke the professor. 
 
 In my dream of Wonderland, I seemed to be sur- 
 rounded by the kindliest and most charitable beings 
 that I had ever known. I saw able-bodied and alert- 
 witted men and women who accepted charity as though 
 it were their due. They did nothing for themselves 
 nor for others, yet their every want and need was grat- 
 ified by the dear people of Wonderland. 
 
 The dolers of this charity kept for themselves barely 
 enough to repair their own waste. Such beautiful 
 self-immolation I had never seen. I saw the toilers 
 working on the farms, cultivating grain that was being 
 fed to fatten the cattle designed for the food of the 
 beneficiaries of their charitable efforts. Others were 
 building slaughter-houses, and others again were con- 
 verting the live cattle into porterhouse and tenderloin, 
 and still others were preparing these dainty cuts for 
 the table of the recipients of this charity. And the 
 latter required savory and piquant sauces of mush- 
 rooms and capers and the like, in order that their 
 appetites might be properly aroused and stimulated. 
 
IN WONDERLAND 133 
 
 The workers, less dainty, needed none of these artful 
 aids to appetite; for the bones and gristle and entrails 
 they reserved for themselves. 
 
 In my vision of Wonderland I saw others endanger- 
 ing their lives in quarries, cutting out marble to orna- 
 ment the beautiful mansions which the charitable were 
 building for their wards. Many were content to be 
 cooped up in stuffy factories manufacturing beautiful 
 rugs and carpets to be enjoyed by the helpless ones for 
 whom they were serving. I saw earnest men designing 
 artistic furniture and inlaid musical instruments to 
 adorn the elegant mansions of the beneficiaries of all 
 this charitable endeavor. And the wives of the toilers 
 were in the kitchen and their sisters in the laundry and 
 their children in the shops, all striving to relieve the 
 shghtest need of the helpless class. 
 
 The workers themselves stole away to rest in 
 cramped and poorly furnished garrets, damp basements, 
 or under sidewalks. 
 
 The wards of charity were never beaten or ill-used. 
 No harsh words were spoken to them, nor were they 
 reproached for their dependent condition. In this 
 dreamland the charity wards were not set to work on 
 the street nor sent to soup-houses for food, as is the case 
 in the wideawake world. Instead, they were furnished 
 fine carriages, drawn by spirited horses, while the donors 
 of charity sat in livery. These accommodating dream- 
 people were very considerate, responding to each nod 
 and beck of their wards. 
 
134 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 Believe me, Wonderland is the ideal place. No- 
 where have I seen self-sacrifice and brotherly love exem- 
 plified in such perfection. 
 
 A loud voice woke me from my beautiful dream. 
 It was the landlord, demanding the rent. 
 
INVENTORY 
 
INVENTORY 
 
 THE term inventory is readily understood when 
 used in commerce by persons who are engaged 
 in some manner with the supply of the satis- 
 faction of man's desire. If your industries figure into 
 the millions, or if you are a clerk selling calico; if you 
 are spending an allowance, or are a housekeeper depend- 
 ing on your husband's or children's wages, you take 
 stock. The method and time of taking stock varies. 
 In vast industrial or commercial enterprises it is not so 
 frequent as with the man of meager resources. The 
 large commercial dividend-paying houses ought to take 
 stock before they declare dividends. If they don't take 
 inventory of the assets and the liabilities, they take 
 inventory of the stockholders. The ones who can be 
 easily frozen out of their stock considered as assets, the 
 ones who cannot are marked as Habilities, for they have 
 to be taken along in the combine when reorganization 
 takes place. 
 
 The man who sells his labor at one dollar per day 
 need not work overtime to take stock; he takes stock 
 mentally. "I get six dollars per week; can't have 
 champagne for dinner; saloon must be my club; free 
 lunch and 'schooner' is my bill of fare; one dollar for 
 
 137 
 
138 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 the week's lodging, fifty cents to Lizzie or Mary, and 
 by Christmas I will have enough to get me a second- 
 hand suit of clothes and an overcoat." 
 
 Success in business does not depend so much on the 
 largeness of the capital as upon the knowledge of how 
 to use this capital to the best advantage. You find 
 when you take stock what goods sold best, what paper 
 is the best advertising medium, who is your best clerk, 
 what departments you are to enlarge, and from what 
 charity donation you got the most benefit. All must 
 focus to this one point if you wish to succeed — to increase 
 the assets, decrease the liabilities, get as much as 
 possible, give as little as you can, and have the people 
 satisfied. 
 
 The taking of stock is not only in what we call legit- 
 imate business. Even the criminals have a way of 
 taking stock. The assets are the plunder, the liabilities 
 are the risks. They have to figure as to the price of 
 the policeman on the beat, what a pull with the alder- 
 man will cost, and how about straw bail. The robber 
 has his way, the preacher his way; there is not one that 
 can escape it. 
 
 It is not business alone that monopolizes stock- 
 taking. In whatever you are trying to accomplish you 
 must take inventory. Success does not depend so 
 much on vastness of resources as on the knowledge of 
 how to use the capital with which to work to the best 
 advantage. 
 
 In European countries even the family is inventoried 
 
INVENTORY 139 
 
 — daughters are the HabiHties, sons the assets. With 
 an income per annum of so much, if his children be sons 
 he can hve up to the hmit; if girls he cannot; he must 
 be saving for the dowry. It is amusing how some try 
 to minimize the liabilities and maximize the assets when 
 they are being inspected. 
 
 The young man who calls on a girl with the intention 
 of making an impression upon her, dresses in his best, 
 takes out his Sunday manners, and shows himself off 
 all assets and no habilities. And she has the parlor 
 and sitting-room furniture dusted, massages and pow- 
 ders her face, sprinkles rose-water on herself. If her 
 cheek or her chin is beautiful she takes pains that he 
 may see them, so a beauty spot is pasted that it may call 
 attention; he cannot fail to notice it. And her lan- 
 guage, how choice, and her voice, how different, when 
 her best young man is there than when she scolds 
 the cook. I know a lady who changes her voice auto- 
 matically whenever a stranger is near. If you see 
 her at that time you see a bundle of assets and no 
 habilities. 
 
 Stocktaking is not monopohzed by man. The tak- 
 ing of stock goes on everywhere ; it is the most important 
 factor in the world; it is responsible for everything 
 there is. 
 
 The forest with its animal life, the sea with its life, 
 the air with its life, owe their being to the taking of 
 stock in the beginning by the molecules and atoms 
 which compose them. The world, with its pains and 
 
140 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 its pleasures, its happiness and its misery, its arts and 
 its sciences, its progress and its woes, its smiles and its 
 tears, is the net balance of the inventory. 
 
 Natural selection is the result of the summing up 
 as to whether you will remain where you are and receive 
 hard knocks, or struggle to get ahead and change your 
 environment to escape the knocks — and you have 
 decided to change — which results in evolution. It 
 began with the mystery of the world. It has been kept 
 up ever since, and will continue unto its very end. 
 Things that came into being are records ; and the things 
 brought into being by the things are records. The 
 world is a counting-house, life its book-keeper, and the 
 net balance, man. 
 
 The balance is the working capital of the future, 
 and while the present balance cannot be changed, as 
 that is the net results and is final, yet man thinks he 
 can and exerts himself to change the balance, and does 
 change it, but not for himself; the change is for the 
 future. Man is working for the future by working in 
 the now — for what he thinks the present will bring to 
 him. Being uncomfortable where he is, he has to move. 
 His motives in stepping up is the betterment of himself, 
 and in so doing he unconsciously carves the future. 
 Life is a series of stocktaking, from the cradle to the 
 grave; the figures are alive; they are actors, spectators, 
 and critics; some have the privilege of being players, 
 and some are being played upon. 
 
INVENTORY 141 
 
 Stocktaking is Judgment Day; then we get the net 
 balance of the past, but do not forget that the lessons 
 for the future are the most important in the day of 
 inventory. If you miscalculate on that day you shall 
 surely "go broke." 
 
LIFE'S MESSAGE 
 
LIFE'S MESSAGE 
 
 I HAVE listened to what Life says, and I will tell you 
 a few truths as I have them recorded. Not only 
 have I heard, but I am the voice as well as the 
 sender of the voice. Not only am I the messenger, but 
 I am also bid to be the executor of the message. 
 
 Life desires to get acquainted with you and what 
 concerns you, and I would be pleased to have you know 
 Life. As you are a stranger to yourself, therefore I will 
 introduce yourself in me to yourself in me. There are 
 so many of you in me that I can scarcely count you. 
 There is you who have sinned and you who have 
 sainted; you the judge passing sentence on you the 
 convict. 
 
 Come, all of you in me, and get acquainted with each 
 other. Really you ought to like each other. Here you, 
 shake hands with yourself! Love each other! As 
 there is really only one of you, and when the different 
 fragments of yourself shall have become united, you 
 shall know Life. Come ! I will show you how to get 
 at one with yourself. You are myself, you know; that 
 accounts for my interest in you. You become a unit 
 by sacrificing the different selves in you. Spare nothing. 
 The Christ in you must be sacrificed with the evil in 
 
 145 
 
146 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 you. I feel your reasoning self say, it is unreasonable 
 that in order to live one must sacrifice self. I cannot 
 help you any, for this is the law. It is reasonable also, 
 and the only unreasonableness about it is your reason. 
 
 The smith stands at his forge. Fragments of iron 
 he welds into a bar. Each piece he passes through the 
 cleansing fire before he can amalgamate them into the 
 oneness of the bar. No fragment is spared this ordeal, 
 else it would not unite. The fragment is lost — it has 
 been absorbed by the bar. 
 
 Of what service think you was the tiny strength of 
 the isolated fragment ? But behold ! Its own strength 
 it has sacrificed, but it has inherited the power of the 
 bar. It is performing miracles. 
 
 Of what use is your reason in separateness ? Reason 
 is a part of you, and though it is important, it is only a 
 small part of Life. You use reason in placing your 
 food into your mouth instead of into your ear, but 
 reason did not make the food, ear, or mouth; nor did 
 it make anything else. Suppose your nose, which is 
 an important factor on your face, should say there is no 
 liver, because it nosed and found it not. Does that 
 prove that the nose knows ? When your liver gets in 
 such a state that the nose knows about it, your liver will 
 be out of business as a liver. Yes, sacrifice is the law 
 of Life. 
 
 I see the doubter of yourself doubt. You wonder 
 why it is that I should be more favored than you. Why 
 don't Life talk to me ? you say. So you believe that I 
 
LIFE'S MESSAGE 147 
 
 lie when I say that I hear Life. Well, you are right. 
 I have lied, and it being true proves that what I said is 
 true, and it in turn proves that I did not lie. 
 
 The waste which your body throws off, because your 
 body cannot use it, has become a lie, yet is not less truth 
 than the stuff which your body absorbed and is truth. 
 The waste makes the absorption possible. If you would 
 spare your body the effort of separating and discarding 
 the waste and reserving the life force from the food it 
 ate, your body would be spared life, as it is nourished 
 by the very thing you spared it of. Skepticism, lying, 
 evil, falsehood, and pain are a part and necessary to 
 life, just as the waste is a part of the food that has per- 
 formed its service. And the work of separating the 
 unpleasant from the pleasant, the lies from the truth, 
 the evil from the good, the pain from the pleasure, is 
 the food which life hves upon, and with which it could 
 not dispense. It is true, I have not heard Life. Life 
 does not talk to the ear, thus I could not hear. I saw 
 the voice — No, that is a lie too! I did not see it; I 
 felt it in my heart. No ! I did not do that either. Let 
 me see, what did I do ? Well, I don't know what I 
 did do, nor do I know how I came by Life's message, 
 but I know it is the message of Life, and I am satisfied. 
 Oh, I have it! I know now! I know! I know! 
 Your scrutinizing self has somewhat confused me. 
 What was it you said that you said .? Was it not some- 
 thing about Life and a message ? Let's see, you had 
 a message I believe, and were telling about it, and I was 
 
148 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 skeptical, and did not believe a word you said, and I 
 embarrassed you by asking questions, and you could not 
 explain how you came by Life's message. Tell us 
 again, please. What did you say Life's message was ? 
 Get together ? That's funny ! I am wrong, I know 
 I am. If you look at me like that I shall go mad, I 
 know I will. Let me think! You have me all be- 
 fuddled. Oh, yes, you were trying to clarify to me the 
 clearness of Life, and the Life which is not to be made 
 clear. That which can be revealed in a vision, and the 
 unvisionable you are trying to visionize. You were 
 trying to reasonize Life, the what that can and the what 
 that cannot be reasoned. 
 
 You were trying to cram the universe into a pint 
 measure. Time, love, sacrifice, happiness, wisdom, 
 God, and what not, you were trjdng to measure with 
 the toy foot-rule of reason which I gave you. You 
 failed ! You are discouraged and doubt, and are angry ! 
 Now I can see you laugh at me, mock me ! I see you 
 pity me. Why should you laugh at me, why should I 
 be pitied ? What have I done to be mocked ? Say, 
 am I foolish ? What ! Ha ! ha ! You did not say 
 anything about Life to me ? You say that it was I 
 who was telling you about Life and its message. Really 
 you are mistaken; it could not have been I. Who is 
 *'I" ? There was once an I, but *T " is no more. It is 
 you who lives in the house where I used to live, and you 
 are so large that it fills me all. There is no room for 
 " I " in there. In the whole of my being I feel you. It 
 
LIFE'S MESSAGE 149 
 
 laughs when you laugh. It cries with you. It feels 
 your pain. It loafs and sins with you. It saints when 
 you saint; it reasons for you. So you see, it was not I 
 who was talking, because there is no more I; I has 
 moved and has taken apartments in Life. It was you 
 talking to yourself; you laughing at yourself; you 
 mocking yourself; you angry with yourself — and all 
 because you could not explain. And why should you ? 
 What is there to explain ? Is it then not all clear ? 
 
 Hark ! and listen to what Life says. Life is talking 
 now, talking through all its being, to all of yourself. 
 How the grass smiles at you, and the moon, and the 
 stars, how they look at you ! How all the animals, the 
 birds, and everything in Life wishes to get at one with 
 you ! And you understand them not ; you are listening 
 for a voice to be heard with ears. You are waiting for 
 a vision to be seen with eyes ; you are waiting for some- 
 thing to be smelled and sensed. 
 
 Life is all around you. It is in you and you find 
 it not. Don't you know me ? It is "I," Life ! 
 
 I am everywhere. I have no limitations. In the 
 depths and on the heights, I am ! The winds take me 
 in their breezes and in their gales; the sunlight in 
 its shadows and in its brightness. I am in the song of 
 the birds. The lowing of the kine and the roar of the 
 wild beasts, I am. I glisten in the dew, and the spark 
 of the diamond radiates me. The whisperings of the 
 tree and brook, the thunders of the storm, the mighty 
 rush of waters — all are mine. 
 
150 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 I am the Life of the forests ; the Life of the seas : I 
 am the sea and the forest. I am the Life of the insects : 
 I am the insects. I am the Hfe of the deserts: I am 
 the desert. I am the hfe of the quadruped and the 
 biped: I am the quadruped and the biped. I am the 
 life of the good and the evil: I am the good and the 
 evil — all are included in me. I am the best of that 
 which is good and the worst of that which is bad — and 
 that is good. 
 
 By seeking you will not find me. When you have 
 forsaken me I am with you. Come unto me, you weak- 
 lings, and I will give you strength; you weary ones, and 
 I will give you rest. Come you perturbed ones, and I 
 will give you peace. And to you who are little children 
 I will give wisdom. To love and to serve; to let Life 
 live through you, from everlasting to everlasting. 
 
 This is the message of Life. 
 
SYMBOLS AND TAGS 
 
SYMBOLS AND TAGS 
 
 THERE is something the matter! A feeling of 
 uneasiness is within me. What's up, I won- 
 der ? My physician tells me that my liver 
 is in good shape. My heart, he says, beats normal; 
 he examined me carefully, and assured me that there 
 is nothing wrong with me. My health seems to be 
 good, and my appetite is in splendid working order. 
 I have a place to sleep; I could have all the 
 clothes I need; still, I am not very happy. There 
 is something wrong — I know there is. A kind of 
 restless feehng possesses me. I have examined my- 
 self all over, and I cannot account for the cause of it 
 within myself, because it is not myself that I feel; 
 I feel others within me; I feel you. There is something 
 radically wrong with me in you, which I feel. What 
 is it that you have not, and for which your heart craves ? 
 I feel that you feel lonely ; you feel that you are separated 
 from something to which you ought to be united; you 
 are like a wanderer, a stranger you are — even amongst 
 your most intimate. You are hungry for love; you 
 feel depressed because even the ones who love you love 
 not you — but what you give them. 
 
 Come, O my beloved! tell me; tell me whether 
 153 
 
154 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 these are your symptoms? No, you need not; I feel 
 you — way down deep in my heart I feel you; it is you 
 who have not felt me knocking at your heart's door, 
 and you have locked your heart and would not let me 
 enter. I would have fed you, I would have nourished 
 you; I know I would. I know you are Life-hungry, 
 caused by your feeding on symbols instead of the real; 
 it did not nourish you and you are famished. 
 
 You have given symbols the place of the real things. 
 You have accepted a thing, the value of which exists in 
 the fact that it is redeemable in something of value; 
 you have become contented with an order which is 
 exchangeable for something you want — for the thing 
 you want — and it does not satisfy you. Should you get 
 a cheque, you would not be content unless there be funds 
 to make it good. If I should present you with a meal- 
 ticket you would not be satisfied unless you could go 
 to the place and get the meal. 
 
 Ideas are worthless unless you can realize them; 
 they must be redeemed and acted before they become 
 of value — you must live them. That's what ails you 
 — ^you have overeaten on ideas. You have chewed up 
 your meal-ticket, and wonder why you are still hungry. 
 
 Instead of acts, which are the food of Life, you have 
 substituted ideas, and Life in you famishes for things 
 vital. You selected the wise to guide you, and they 
 did ; you have the wise men to do the thinking for you ; 
 you have them prepare beautiful thoughts, pickled, 
 fried, or preserved, and you feed on them. How long 
 
SYMBOLS AND TAGS 155 
 
 would your body last if you fed it on meal-tickets 
 instead of the stuff which a meal-ticket will get ? It 
 takes steak, potatoes, and the like to make tissue, 
 muscles, and bone. You thought to be wise is to think 
 wisely, which is true, but you must redeem the thought 
 in acts. Thoughts are the soul of acts — and are 
 worthless in themselves. That is the trouble; you 
 thought there was merit in thinking wisely, and so you 
 thought, and thought, and thought. If wisdom con- 
 sists in thinking, it matters not the direction thoughts 
 take. So the wise — with grave and serious energy — 
 entered upon thought where no act was possible. A 
 thought may have been valuable when conditions 
 rendered a possibility of realizing action upon it in 
 the end. Thought is worthless when it cannot be put 
 into use. 
 
 In your heart I find a foreign substance — an idol 
 of symbol worship. This it is that poisoned your con- 
 duct at its very source, and corruption has entered into 
 every activity of life and produced myriad forms of 
 hypocrisy. 
 
 In theology you are given dead thoughts of the past 
 and amazing theories of the future, none of which can 
 issue in wise acts of to-day. You go about with reli- 
 gious meal-tickets, yet finding no tables set; for you are 
 supplied with worthless cheques upon the establish- 
 ments of yesterdays and to-morrows. 
 
 What care you for future worlds ? It is love and 
 happiness in this world which you are after. What 
 
156 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 care you for the bones of the past or of the future ? 
 It is the Hving bones and skin that interest me. The 
 Bible is all right, but what of the Bible of to-day ? Re- 
 ligion has become a belief instead of a life. Ask the 
 priest of to-day what to do and he will tell you to believe. 
 Then you believe that you are what you thought you 
 would like to be. Jesus said, "Why call you me 
 master and do not my commandments .?" and in the 
 name of Him who tells you to do, the church tells you 
 you can believe — but be damned if you do; we will not 
 tolerate any nonsense; we have a place for silly fellows 
 like you. 
 
 Imagine yourself doing unto others what you would 
 want them to do unto you ! How long do you suppose 
 it would be before your friends would have a guardian 
 appointed over you ? This belief is the keynote of 
 hypocrisy, which has spread and become the fashion 
 in all branches of activity; and to-day's unhappiness is 
 the hypocrisy in man's life made apparent. 
 
 Scientific thought takes the same direction — dealing 
 with ideas, theories, classifications, and measurements — 
 things which are not vital to human life and human 
 happiness. Our scientists come forward with patho- 
 logical explanations and theories concerning degeneracy; 
 with charts, diagrams and skull measurements. They 
 put complicated machines on the little fingers of our 
 school-children to measure the out-go of their precious 
 lives as they bend over the study of dim, dead pages. 
 
 In the industrial field, the symbol takes shape in 
 
SYMBOLS AND TAGS 157 
 
 veneers, shellacs and polishes; and men build great 
 temples for their symbol-worship, and construct amaz- 
 ing systems for the accumulation of wealth — systems 
 built for ideas instead of for man ; systems that demon- 
 strate such ideas as division of labor, and such a man 
 as the crooked-backed accountant adding up a lifetime 
 of figures, or the dim-eyed sweatshop toiler working out 
 a hfetime of buttonholes. Systems that produce such 
 helpless abortions as millionaires and tramps, systems 
 that change happy, healthy, well-developed human 
 beings into mere adjuncts and gives to the ones who 
 actually produce the lowest caste of all. 
 
 Art holds up to us the past — the Greek, the Gothic, 
 the Renaissance; and the artist, driven to copy, neg- 
 lects to produce the vital and living art of the present. 
 
 In reform we go about calling ourselves reformers, 
 not because we live a life of reform, but because we say 
 that we do not believe in the old form. We call our- 
 selves socialists, not because we practice socialism, but 
 because we believe in the socialistic doctrine; and thus 
 we believe we are what we believe we would like to be. 
 
 You would object to the name of "scavenger," 
 because you believe in removing the dung, but you will 
 insist that you be called a good man, because you 
 believe in goodness. 
 
 If I should call you a capitalist because you beheve 
 in making money, you would probably think I am 
 making sport of your poverty. You would tell me that 
 a capitalist is he who has capital, not he who is seeking 
 
158 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 to acquire it. Yet you do not hesitate to tag yourself 
 socialist, anarchist, or single-taxist, though you only 
 believe in the theory underlying your ism and do noth- 
 ing toward living it. 
 
 The less you have of a thing, and the less you are 
 the thing, the more you talk about it. Lacking happi- 
 ness, you talk it. Talking of art is conclusive evidence 
 that you lack art. You talk of love when you feel the 
 absence of love, and you think you have it by 
 proclamation. Words, phrases, clauses, noise! The 
 child calls an engine " choo-choo " because of the sound 
 the machine makes when exhausting steam. The 
 child thinks the function of the engine is to emit a certain 
 kind of noise. So you are impressed with the enthu- 
 siasm of your discussions in advocacy of your ism, and 
 you think yourself to be the thing discussed. 
 
 This symbol-worship is everywhere. Take the 
 vaudeville; an old soubrette with no voice, no looks — 
 let her cackle "Yankee Doodle," wave the flag, and 
 she will receive applause for saving the nation. 
 
 On three occasions I visited a concert hall in 
 Chicago where they served poor meals and worse music 
 for good prices. The orchestra each time played, by 
 request, " My Country, 'Tis of Thee," and the patriotic 
 feeHng was demonstrated by the applause. 
 
 That's what ails you. You have been feeding on 
 symbols. You have been trying to make yourself 
 believe you are satisfied with applause, though you are 
 starved for Life-food. You have tried to outgrow and 
 
SYMBOLS AND TAGS 159 
 
 destroy the expression of naturalness through your body 
 and mind. You have cut off every root and branch 
 you could find which was holding you to naturalness, 
 and in their place you put the substitute of symbols. 
 Your mother and father, your uncle and aunt, and 
 grandmothers and grandfathers, your school-teachers 
 and Sunday-school teachers, and preachers, all united 
 in demanding that you leave off naturalness and take 
 on the symbols. 
 
 Thus it is that man has lost his connection with Life 
 and gropes in darkness and dwells in death. Nothing 
 short of a complete turning away from this course of 
 action is able to bring him into conjunction with Life 
 as it is intended to express through his body and mind 
 by means of his sensations. 
 
OCCULTISM 
 
OCCULTISM 
 
 THE advantage I possess over other people is that 
 so Httle is expected of me. Some of those who 
 remain my friends, despite my being a fool, and 
 others who love me because I am so amusing to them, 
 talk of concepts which they have formed that cannot 
 be made apparent to me. It may be that some day 
 I, too, will develop an additional sense whereby I 
 may learn to realize what to me at present is un- 
 reahzable. 
 
 My senses — those I am conscious of — seem to be 
 working all right, though my being a fool may account 
 for the untenableness of some of the conclusions I draw 
 from observation. My sense of smell, when dealing 
 with boiled cabbage, asserts a degree of insubordina- 
 tion that requires a decided gratification for the sense 
 of taste to overcome. A fool therefore becomes aware 
 of things not only from an impression due to the concord 
 of the senses, but likewise to dissension in that realm. 
 The illustration of decaying eggs occurs to me also, but 
 I am not such a fool as to introduce my conclusions 
 concerning them in this connection. 
 
 So the fool becomes aware of the existence of things 
 from the impression they make on his senses. He sees, 
 
 163 
 
164 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 feels, smells, hears, and tastes things; he knows then 
 that they are. 
 
 Some things affect all my senses, and some things 
 can only affect two, and some but one sense, but all 
 things must impress me; I must sense them in order 
 for me to know of their existence. 
 
 A man who is virtuous (knowing that I am not) 
 hearing my statement, asked me if I thought virtue 
 existed, and if it did he wanted to know what sense it 
 affected. And I replied that my sense of humor was 
 awfully affected when he was anywhere near me. He 
 called me a fool ! I wonder if he sensed my reply. 
 
 If our senses are faulty, or if even one sense is out 
 of order, we fail to conceive that object which is con- 
 ceived through that sense, and we do not know whether 
 it exists or not. However, if our senses are in well- 
 behaved working order, and we conceive not, we know 
 the object does not exist. 
 
 Take a man born blind, never having experienced 
 the sense of sight; it is very difficult for him to imagine 
 what sight is, and it would be very hard to give that 
 man an impression of things you can see and he cannot. 
 If you were to discuss color in the blind man's presence, 
 all would understand what is being discussed except 
 the blind man. He would wonder what you were 
 talking about. But take a man who lost his sight, 
 while you can lie to him regarding the color of an object, 
 yet he knows that color exists, because he himself 
 experienced it at one time. 
 
OCCULTISM 165 
 
 Now, suppose that a new sense should develop in 
 man, and supposing that that sense comes to but a few, 
 then the language of those few, when talking about those 
 things conceived by that new sense, would seem strange 
 to the rest of mankind. They would not only not know 
 what you were talking about, but they would not even 
 know what it was that they lacked. This is exactly 
 what has happened. 
 
 The elect are having a new sense installed in their 
 anatomy; caballa, or occultism, is its name. This new 
 sense differs from the rest of the senses, in that it has 
 no distinct place of abode in the human make-up. 
 You cannot locate its dwelling-place; it has no definite 
 house wherein it lives. 
 
 All the other senses have offices, laboratories, and 
 a most complicated diplomatic service and clearing- 
 house, where they do their work. You must have eyes 
 to see, and when you see something, there are messen- 
 gers in the eyes which notify the brain as to what they 
 see. Besides these, there are offices that are occupied 
 by ambassadors of the other members of the body, 
 stomach, sex, legs, hands, and all other members that 
 make the body complete, have agents on the lookout 
 for the wishes of its master. If your stomach likes a 
 particular kind of food, its ambassador will be on the 
 lookout for it, through the eyes, nose, mouth, etc. If 
 sex predominates you, your ambassadors will sense a 
 good-looking man within a certain radius. If you are 
 blind, it means that you close up shop, that the offices 
 
166 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 and sub-offices of sight are closed, and so it is with the 
 sense of smell and the other senses. This new sense 
 has no particular place of abode. It has no distinct 
 office with its desks and its laboratory force, where it 
 performs its functions. Caballa or occultism sees with- 
 out eyes, smells without a nose, feels without feelers. 
 
 Now, the reason that the new sense has no home is 
 because this new sense conceives things inconceivable 
 to the other senses; therefore the very home in which 
 it lives must be inconceivable and incomprehensible to 
 the rest of the senses, and while the people have the 
 assurance that it is there, it is invisible, therefore un- 
 explainable to the mass of mankind that have not that 
 sense. The wise men are awfully embarrassed by that 
 fact, for if it had a home like unto the other senses, 
 they could point to its home and say to the masses, 
 " Do you see that bump ? This is the home of the new 
 sense; caballa lives there." Although you cannot 
 explain to the blind man what sight is, by letting him 
 feel your eyes with your hands and then letting him feel 
 his own, you could convince him that he is lacking 
 something which you have. As there is neither hump 
 nor bump to point to, the caballist cannot explain 
 what that sense is to one who never had it. It is easy 
 to explain a sense to a person who even once had that 
 sense and lost it, but you cannot tell a person who never 
 saw, the difference between lavender and pink. 
 
 There have always been occultists, and always 
 others who were not able to understand what it's all 
 
OCCULTISM 167 
 
 about. The first record I can discover of Caballa is 
 Talmudic. One of the stories of the Talmud tells of 
 a cabalist who saw a bird standing up to his ankles 
 in the sea, his head touching the clouds. The cabalist 
 concluded that he could have some fun going in wading 
 at that spot, but he heard a still small voice dissuading 
 him by the assurance that where the bird was standing 
 it was so deep that a woodchopper had lost an axe 
 seven years before which had not yet touched bottom. 
 This incident shows how difficult it must be to make 
 cabalistic utterances appeal to the unoccult. 
 
 Adepts are becoming more numerous. For a long 
 time there were none in Occidental lands. Now Osh- 
 kosh vies with Calcutta in the maintenance of New 
 Thought societies, and Kalamazoo with Bagdad. 
 Still the ordinary man and woman contends that the 
 reason the idea remains misty to the practical mind 
 is because there is no idea; that the very wise do 
 not see things which are invisible to common people. 
 Some go so far as to assert that the occultist is not en- 
 dowed with a superior inteUigence but with a diseased 
 mind. 
 
 This is cruel enough to place the very wise on the 
 same lowly levels with such fools as I. 
 
 At the hotel in a little town where all the guests use 
 a common parlor, there were waiting for "train time" 
 a rabbi, an adept, and a Chicago drummer. The rabbi 
 paced the floor excitedly, and was presently heard to 
 say earnestly, "I see, I see!" Asked what it was he 
 
168 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 saw, he said, *'I see God on his throne in heaven, 
 surrounded by the chosen ones who glorify his name." 
 
 The adept thereupon paced the floor also, and ex- 
 claimed " I see, I see !" And in reply to the inquiries 
 of the others, he declared that he saw hell, with all its 
 misery, where those who, while on earth, had lived 
 contrary to the doctrine that " all that pleases must be 
 vile" were being tortured ruthlessly. 
 
 Then the drummer declared that he, too saw. 
 
 "And what do you see .^" the others asked the 
 earthly man of samples. 
 
 " I see," he replied, " a couple of the dumdest fools 
 in Illinois." 
 
 He was only a drummer, and I am only a fool. 
 
THE FLY AND THE DONKEY 
 
THE FLY AND THE DONKEY 
 
 THE school-teacher who criticized my juvenile 
 attempts to write as prettily as the copperplate 
 pattern across the top of the copy-book page 
 went about her task in a kindly spirit. Had she 
 rapped me across the knuckles I should have hated her, 
 I know. 
 
 "Napoleon wrote a very poor hand," she told me, 
 "and he became a great man. He did not become 
 great because his penmanship was bad, but in spite of 
 that fact." 
 
 My sex precluded my becoming a great man, 
 whether my chirography aided or retarded such a 
 destiny. Nevertheless, I received in that lesson a 
 foundation of logic that "comes in handy" every now 
 and then. 
 
 So when I heard the story of the Industrious Flies 
 and the Patient Ass, I rejected the reasoning of the 
 wise fly, however satisfactory it may have been to the 
 donkey. 
 
 Once there was a man so foolish that he could 
 understand the language of the insects. He owned a 
 donkey. 
 
 So it was that on a hot day, an ass pulling a heavy 
 171 
 
172 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 load along a dusty road made no complaint except 
 against the harassments imposed upon her by a swarm 
 of flies. She lashed at the ravenous insects with her 
 tail, made an occasional snap at them with her teeth, 
 and a desultory dart at them with a hoof in her frantic 
 effort to be rid of her tormentors. She laid down on 
 the roadside, breaking the shafts of the wagon, killed 
 some of the flies, but most of the flies got away and 
 jumped on the ass again when she arose. This opera- 
 tion was repeated a great many times. She was a tired 
 beast when she reached her journey's end several hours 
 behind time, and it was a relief to get into the friendly 
 shelter of a stable, where she might enjoy hay and 
 water, secure from the merciless flies. The wisest of 
 the flies however had accompanied her into the stable, 
 and, perching on the donkey's best ear, he buzzed his 
 plaint of misery thus. 
 
 "Thou dolt and ingrate! All day hast thou man- 
 ifested displeasure because of the great love we bear 
 thee. We sang to thee our sweetest songs, and our 
 proddings gave thee strength to complete thy journey 
 to this haven of rest. Had it not been for us how 
 couldst thou have reached the succulent fodder which 
 is now thy portion ?" 
 
 The penitent ass bowed her head in shame before 
 these reproaches. 
 
 " I had not estimated your help at its proper value," 
 she brayed, humbly, " and I beg to be forgiven, miserable 
 sinner that I am !" 
 
THE FLY AND THE DONKEY 173 
 
 Was ever donkey in such manner wooed ? I forgot 
 to mention the fact that it was a " she " donkey. 
 
 Away back in *' the blurred bush of bygones " it was 
 a most important rehgious ceremonial to eat the flesh 
 of our grandmothers. The priest of that day assured 
 us of eternal damnation did we omit reverent regard 
 for that sacrament, however tough the fiber of the feast. 
 
 And the priest of this day tells us that, were it not 
 for him, we would still be dining on grandma. 
 
 "See what government has done for you!" shrieks 
 the vehement politician. " It gives you your rights and 
 protects you in them !" 
 
 In refusing to admit the claims of priest and poli- 
 tician I lay myself open to the indictment of being the 
 same sort of an ingrate as the wise fly charged the 
 patient donkey with being, but I know the story of 
 Napoleon's handwriting, and the donkey didn't. 
 
 Whatever progress humanity has made toward 
 decency, considerateness and justice have been accom- 
 plished in spite of church and state, and not because 
 of them. 
 
 Nevertheless the wise flies keep on buzzing their 
 claims unto the patient donkey, and the ass believes. 
 
 Every onward step from cannibalism, slavery, 
 tjrranny, injustice, was made against the protest of 
 church and state. 
 
 Our truly great have become so only as they have 
 taught us to laugh to scorn the magniloquent claims 
 of authority. 
 
174 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 Every form of Magna Charta, in every age, was 
 wrested from some unwilling king, who protested that 
 it was his great love for us that resisted our demands. 
 
 Authority maintains its institutions in order to teach 
 the masses patriotism, religion, and wisdom. It be- 
 hooves us to discount authoritarian definitions if we 
 would attain happiness. 
 
 When the wise established institutions to inject 
 wisdoni into fools, the foolishness of the fools infected 
 the wisdom of the wise and they became foolish. When 
 the state establishes military academies to train cowards 
 into heroes, the cowardice of the coward is assimilated 
 by the heroes, and they in turn refuse to fight. When 
 great institutions are founded to teach the masses, 
 the masses unlearn the professors, so that they question 
 their own wisdom. While I agree with the wise ones 
 that things will settle themselves all right, I must say 
 that we have progressed in spite of them, and if we 
 would see ourselves as the wise see us, then they must 
 see that we are getting less and less religious, less and 
 less virtuous, less and less patriotic, less and less wise. 
 
 We are safe in abjuring authoritarian religion that 
 we may become sanely religious. We must rebel 
 against institutionalized patriotism if we would evince 
 a decent regard for the rightful claims of humanity. 
 We must become less wise and less virtuous from con- 
 ventional points of view to be truly virtuous and prac- 
 tically wise. 
 
 Lest we be as the credulous donkey. 
 
NET BALANCE 
 
NET BALANCE 
 
 THE task of taking stock of myself has not proven 
 a pleasant one. I have been trying to figure out 
 what society has granted me, and to what extent 
 I have responded with an equivalent. I find that I 
 wear clothes I did not make. I consume food I did 
 not grow nor prepare. I inhabit a dwelling which I 
 neither designed, built, nor furnished. I enjoy facil- 
 ities of transportation, though I have built neither roads 
 nor vehicles. 
 
 Figure it as I may, I discover my account to be in 
 a bad way. The assets present a goodly array, but 
 they dwindle mightily before the overwhelming for- 
 midableness of the list of liabilities. I have been run- 
 ning into debt to society at an alarming rate. Funny 
 I never thought of it until stocktaking day. 
 
 Altogether the discovery is disconcerting in the 
 extreme. My conscience is not a satisfactory book- 
 keeper under these conditions. That conscience of 
 mine will not allow my charging up against the liabil- 
 ities the unction I would lay to my soul that I have been 
 sympathetic, and held high ideals. And, indeed, when 
 I essay to apply the unction I realize that I cannot 
 find my soul. Where had my soul gone ? What had 
 
 177 
 
178 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 become of that much-prized soul ? I have lost my 
 soul in this insolvency. I tried to increase my spiritual 
 assets by attaching myself to certain religious organi- 
 zations, but could find no consolation there, till at 
 last I decided that I ought to go into spiritual bank- 
 ruptcy and ask for a receiver. In this wide world, 
 where you can get most everything, I have failed to find 
 the spiritual court with jurisdiction that qualifies it 
 for that position. I have searched everywhere, and 
 find to my amazement that all are in the same fix. 
 Society as a whole is spiritually bankrupt — it, too, has 
 lost its soul. 
 
 The cause of this strange state of affairs I found 
 to be not due to the direct intention of life to 
 defraud itself, but society's spiritual auditors made a 
 grave mistake in stocktaking. The trouble seems to 
 be that these functionaries have underestimated the 
 ultimate cost of things. They thought that the price 
 it pays for its labor represents the cost. We have 
 thought that pieces of mud, gold, and silver are equiv- 
 alent to life, and that by paying a certain wage we had 
 acquitted ourselves of all obligation. Then, by sup- 
 planting men in the workshops with women and 
 children, we reduced the cost, because we paid less for 
 about the same stent of work. We thought society 
 economical by putting children at work at mining our 
 coal; that the seventy-five cents paid for their daily 
 efforts represents the cost to society for getting the coal 
 out of the mines. But this is not the cost ; it is the price. 
 
NET BALANCE 179 
 
 The cost to society towers away above the price that 
 figures in the commercial account current. The cost 
 of working childhood at coal-mining is the brutali- 
 zation of the embryo citizen; the killing of the love 
 instinct that is in liim, and destroying the possibilities 
 of a glorious manhood. The price has been paid but 
 the big end of the cost is still a Hability. 
 
 By putting women to work in noisome sweat-shops 
 we cheapen the price of shirt-waists. But we do not 
 reduce the cost. Unfitting the toiler for normal mother- 
 hood, we encourage the production of poorly bom 
 children from her tired frame, and such progeny are in 
 the account. Look there for the cost. We cannot 
 destroy souls without finding the item writ large in the 
 account at judgment day ! 
 
 Man must work to enjoy life. When his work is 
 to his liking, and he is fitted to perform the service, 
 the cost is very little, or none at all. Then his work is 
 educative and he develops; it is nourishing and he 
 grows. If he be doomed to monotonous work that 
 calls up no note of joy in his heart, and where no 
 thought is necessary, wherein some muscles are over- 
 exerted while others have insuflficient play, we make 
 our toiler lopsided, and for his loss of symmetry and 
 unfoldment society must pay, and it is in the account 
 over and above the price we have paid with the dross 
 of money. 
 
 When work is pleasure it requires no spielmark 
 requital — the pleasure is its sufiicient pay. Where 
 
180 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 there is not joy in the work no price is sufficient. *' It 
 is only by thought that work can be made pleasurable, 
 and it is only by work that thought may be made 
 healthy." 
 
 Society is morally bankrupt. We have sold our 
 birthright for a mess of pottage. The wealth of a 
 nation does not consist of an inventory of its gold and 
 silver coin vaults, nor its gold and silver epaulettes on 
 the trappings of its military and naval heroes, nor its 
 gold and silver trimmings on the apparel of dear Lady 
 Disdain, nor in the gold and silver that flows through 
 the arteries of commerce. The solid assets of society 
 consist of its arts, not in pictures and statues in the 
 museums nor in the monuments in the parks; not in 
 the grandeur of the public buildings, but the pleasure 
 in the lives of the people, made beautiful by devotion 
 to the arts of peace. 
 
 Oh, Angels of Heaven and devils from Hades, come 
 and help me to lament the great '' I am" ! Let us weep 
 crocodile tears for man that built the world. Man has 
 conquered nature, cleared the forests, erected great 
 cities, and civilized a world — and has lost his own soul. 
 
 Art for art's sake; money for money's sake; loiowl- 
 edge for the sake of knowledge; science for the sake of 
 science; virtue for virtue's sake — but nowhere an3i:hing 
 for Man's sake. Man built a world and left himself out. 
 
 O Divine Mathematics ! What a net balance is this ! 
 
THE UNIVERSAL SECRET 
 
THE UNIVERSAL SECRET 
 
 WHAT is it that everybody knows, and is talk- 
 ing about, and still remains a secret ? You 
 don't know ! Well, let me put the question 
 differently. What is it that you discuss with your friend, 
 with your husband, your husband with his friends; 
 girls among themselves, boys among themselves; a 
 respectable man never with a lady; a mother will keep 
 it a secret from her daughter, a father from his son, a 
 teacher from a pupil; something that everybody 
 possesses, yet it is a secret ? Well, I will tell you. 
 
 It is sex ! 
 
 Anything pertaining to sex is talked of in whispers 
 in society (for fear the guardian of morality might 
 overhear). It is too vile a subject to be discussed. It 
 is called immoral by church and state, and for that 
 reason you can discuss it with your friends of the same 
 sex behind closed doors, but not of the opposite sex 
 under any condition if you wish to be classed among 
 the respectable. We discussed it at the academy where 
 I was sequestered. We locked the doors and talked 
 about it. Yes, and we did more than that; we — no, I 
 don't beheve I will, until I consult the postmaster- 
 general. 
 
 183 
 
184 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 A friend of mine, a little Jew, was telling some 
 stories of the Talmud, among them the ritual of sex. 
 I tolerated it, there being others present. After they 
 had left I told him that if he wanted to tell immoral 
 stories, not to tell them in my house. My friends have 
 told me the same things in a more forceful manner, and 
 I did not think them immoral. The story in itself was 
 not immoral; the immorality consists in that it was told 
 by a person of the opposite sex. The wise by their 
 continuous slander have created a feeling that sex and 
 all its relationship is vile, and is to be dreaded, and is 
 only tolerated as a matter that cannot be helped. How 
 very much nicer, cleaner, and holier it would be if babes 
 could be gotten from the church or government ware- 
 houses! How much cleaner and holier we would be 
 were we sexless beings. Some of the wise are even 
 looking for a time when we will evolve to a sexless 
 state. O what a picnic ! What a fool God must have 
 been not to know in the first place that he had to wait 
 for some people he made to get wise so they would be 
 able to tell him how to work the game of evolution. 
 But I think that he will not even consider that sexless- 
 state proposition which is being agitated by the wise 
 men. I think that now, like always, he agrees with 
 Rosey, who declares that sex and the use of it is most 
 divine. If there is anything that should be reverenced 
 more than any other thing in the world it is sex. I 
 do not mean motherhood — even the wise have no 
 objection to that. I do not mean womanhood — I mean 
 
THE UNIVERSAL SECRET 185 
 
 the organ of sex. The whole universal scheme is sex — 
 it is the holiest of holies. 
 
 The use of sex is evolution beginning with proto- 
 plasm and on and on until we reach man. Nothing 
 is great that does not contain sex. There is no great- 
 ness in art unless sex be there. A painting is not great 
 without it. It is the harmony of music, and poems 
 would be dull without love of some kind. The plumage 
 of the bird and its songs are all for the pleasing of sex. 
 It is the cause of the struggle and happiness of the world. 
 
 The miner who spends his life in the mines does so 
 to please a wife, a sweetheart, or his progeny. 
 
 The man who goes to war, the man who toils in the 
 shop, he who works on the farm — all are moved by sex. 
 It is divine and holy. Sex is the motive power, from 
 the tiniest amoeba to the most complicated organism. 
 The urim and thummim was considered holy. With 
 bare feet and bowed head the high priest approached 
 it. With fear, reverence, and a trembling heart he 
 consulted it, because through it God spake. Words or 
 language that would be adequate for expression there 
 are none; it is only when words fail us, it is only when 
 language would blaspheme, and retard to silence — it 
 is then, and then only, that we can worship the most 
 holy of sanctuaries — sex. Through it God reveals him- 
 self. 
 
 The earth that possessed us before we were, and 
 whither we shall all of us in due time return, what is it 
 unless it be the sex of the universe. Mother earth we 
 
186 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 call her, on account of her birth-giving nature. Minus 
 everything attributed to womanhood, she does not 
 nurse us nor possess the breasts of a mother; she is like 
 a mother only in sex. The reception of the seed, the 
 care of it, and the birth of an object is what you see in 
 the earth. 
 
 Look everywhere ! What do you see ? The plant- 
 ing of an acorn and the birth of an oak; the planting of 
 com seed and the birth of a corn-field. The whole 
 operation is birth and getting ready for birth, and 
 seeing all of this, I feel that there is nothing diviner or 
 more miraculous than sex and the operation of sex. 
 Think of it ! A seed planted and when rotten it takes 
 root, and then the birth of a God ! 
 
 The redemption of the world will be only when sex 
 will be reverenced and honored, and when men and 
 women cease to make traffic of themselves. Then we 
 will not try to put asunder by intellectual rules that 
 which life has joined together by Love. 
 
WHERE I FOUND HIM 
 
WHERE I FOUND HIM 
 
 GOD is where ? What is He ? And what are his 
 schemes ? Had I been wise I would have gone 
 about solutionizing wisdomatically, by consult- 
 ing the elders and the wise of the tribe. I would have 
 sat at the feet of the learned and absorbed wisdom. 
 Rabbi Emil G. Hirsch, President Roosevelt, and Pro- 
 fessor William R. Harper could have enlightened me. 
 But being as I am, I went about it like one hunting 
 that which he really expects to find. When I look for 
 my lost garter I do not go to the church or university 
 to hear a lecture about it, neither do I go to the public 
 library to read up on the subject. Instinctively I move 
 chairs, bureaus, and dressing-cases. I light a match 
 and look to see if it did not roll into some corner. The 
 same way I went about finding God. I looked about ! 
 I found a world filled with entities. Some resembled 
 me, some different, some I know not what they were. 
 A being I discovered called ''myself" separated from 
 and struggling with the world. It was myself that was 
 the most important, because it was I that felt, it was I 
 that was impressed. It was I that had ambitions; like 
 Atlas, I carried the world with its problems on my 
 shoulders, and was afraid to move for fear that I would 
 
 189 
 
190 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 slip and the world would fall and the problems would 
 remain unsolved, for it was I that was to solve them. 
 It was I, I, I. A God could not be found anjrwhere. 
 There was no room for one. There was nothing that 
 I saw that would indicate a God anywhere. There 
 was nothing but objects and space. The objects were 
 surely the objects and God could not be space. 
 
 My struggle with the world was great, and when 
 I thought that I had almost succeeded in mastering 
 the world it crushed me into a oneness with all-there-is. 
 
 Then I saw entities separated by space, united to 
 each other by space which separates them. Nothing 
 lives by itself for itself. Ever3i;hing lives in the whole. 
 To lose one's self in the whole is to serve and gain the 
 service of the whole. This way God revealed himself 
 and expanded through me and absorbed the world. 
 I saw the oneness of it all. Then I understood the 
 whole, felt the whole. I saw that problems are not 
 in life, but it is in the being that is out of harmony with 
 self yet in perfect harmony with nature. Like a pupil 
 going to school unwillingly, so is the inharmonious self, 
 trotting along in perfect harmony with the universal 
 whole. God exists through the gratification of the 
 desires of the entities of which life consists, they being 
 charged with a nature that is impressed pleasantly and 
 unpleasantly. One disintegrates and the other re- 
 cuperates. It seeks the one and avoids the other. The 
 sense nature is Life's guide. Things that are pleasant 
 for it are absorbed, and things that are not are repulsed 
 
WHERE I FOUND HIM 191 
 
 by the vegetable. An animal will not eat anything 
 that will injure his health. By instinct danger is sensed 
 by all with more accuracy than by man with his psychic 
 forces. And why not ? Are they not a part of God, 
 even as you and I .'* 
 
 Man also began with these sure and unfailing 
 guides. They led him through the different periods 
 of development from the protoplasm till he became 
 man. By seeking pleasurable associations and avoid- 
 ing the painful ones he reached the highest pinnacle. 
 It was God evoluting himself by following his heart's 
 desires. At this stage it was that man fell. He ate 
 from the tree of knowledge and was driven out of Eden. 
 He became wise and was going to do something for 
 himself; his intellect made him deaf to the callings of 
 his heart. He became ambitious to look for himself. 
 His scheme was to work out his own evolution and 
 leave behind the whole that sacrificed and contributed 
 to his making. He was to build for himself mansions 
 in the sky, put on wings and fly away, and like the fox 
 in the fable he was rewarded. (A fox once crossed a 
 creek with a piece of stolen cheese in his mouth; he saw 
 his reflection in the water, and he opened his mouth to 
 catch the shadow, thereby losing the morsel he had.) 
 So by grasping with the intellect man's sense nature 
 becomes perverted. And he has contracted abnormal 
 desires. He overeats, overdrinks, overindulges in sex, 
 and that works for his destruction. Abnormal desires 
 are those you cannot gratify by gratifying them. The 
 
192 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 more you indulge them the more your appetite for 
 them is. He became subject to diseases unknown to 
 any other being, and no sign of his repentance as yet. 
 He still refuses to confess. He sees that a mistake 
 has been made, but he is going to redeem himself. 
 Were he less intellectually wise he would say to him- 
 self, "My troubles came because I listened to the 
 clamors of my intellect. As they are faulty they 
 guided me wrong. Henceforth I will hearken to Life, 
 which guided me till now." But instead of that he 
 reasons that his troubles came upon him because he 
 did not heed his intellect enough. His ideals were not 
 suflBciently high, he argued. He will make himself 
 better by making laws to keep himself in check. He 
 will fine himself for the gratification of liis desires. 
 He will put a license on drink and establish marriage 
 as a preventive. 
 
 But "stolen fruits are sweet" — desires increase 
 by prohibition and condemnation, and by restriction 
 he became totally depraved. What he condemns in 
 daytime he indulges in at night. So of all the beings 
 in Hfe, man, with his high ideals is the only prostitute. 
 His hands, feet, brain, eyes, nose, mouth, stomach, 
 liver, and sex he uses not for the purpose to which 
 evolution dedicates them, but for traffic. 
 
 In going downtown, I noticed a crowd looking in at 
 a window. I stepped up and saw a beautiful girl blow- 
 ing soap bubbles. That would have been all right if 
 it had been play. Her body would have been nourished 
 
WHERE I FOUND HIM 193 
 
 by the exercise, for she would have enjoyed it; but there 
 she was in an illy ventilated space behind plate glass 
 advertising a soap, that she might secure money where- 
 with to buy the things she wanted. It was degrading 
 her body, and she was a prostitute accordingly. 
 
 Life created the brain to overcome difficulties, and 
 the pleasure of overcoming difficulties is its joy; but to 
 use it in designing the manufacture of adulterated 
 food, embalmed beef, shoddy clothing, is prostitution. 
 
 And just as the whole person is affected when only 
 one member of his body is used improperly, so when 
 life has one specie that degrades itself, God as a whole 
 is thus affected. So, if not for your sake, then let it 
 be for the sake of the little collie dog I love, I implore 
 you to cease prostituting yourself, as it hurt's Fido's 
 dignity. A friend of mine, in deploring conditions, 
 hoped that we would revise our statutes to make it 
 harder to get a divorce. My remark that if I had my 
 way I would give a divorce to any one who asked for 
 it, was countered by the inquiry, " Do you want us to 
 be like animals f" In her statement I found the key- 
 note of the reasonings, also the root of the tragedy of 
 the human family. Man acts according to what he 
 believes himself to be and is not, therefore his actions 
 are unnatural. The sense nature is God himself 
 guiding himself through all that God is. 
 
 But man believes that he is not animal; he means 
 that he is not subject to the universal law, that he can 
 violate the principle of life and thrive. He thinks he 
 
194 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 may blaspheme God and avoid the penalty, conse- 
 quently he refuses to be guided by Life's guide. He 
 prefers to plan, scheme, and to do everything contrary 
 to nature's promptings, and if possible repudiate sense 
 nature altogether. 
 
 Rent, interest, parasitism, governments, jails, 
 churches, marriage, abortions, contracepts, doctors, 
 lawyers, preachers, universities, sheriffs, elections, 
 misery, trouble, and business are all institutions of the 
 intellectual man. Animals have not got them and have 
 no use for them. The only reason for their being is 
 it give us an air of refinement, you know, to have 
 such things. 
 
 Marriage does not prevent cohabitation; marriage 
 gives an opportunity for degradation. 
 
 Theoretically marriage curbs passion; in reality it 
 degrades womanhood — it licenses prostitution. 
 
 The father's and mother's desire that their daughter 
 marry well is to make successful commerce of herself 
 so that she will have an easy life. The girl in school, 
 in the store, in shop, or in the kitchen, is ambitious to 
 marry so she will not have to work. 
 
 *'You have married me and have to support me. 
 If you don't, I will put you where the dogs won't get 
 you " — have you heard that ? What is that except to get 
 some one's support by selling yourself ^ He is called 
 a clever young man who marries a rich wife. The 
 dukes, princes, and barons who flock to our shore are 
 all looking for easy snaps by making commerce of 
 
WHERE I FOUND HIM 195 
 
 themselves — selling their titles and throwing them- 
 selves in as a prize. They are prostitutes. 
 
 God's life would be as short as the life of its entities 
 were it not for that sex sense which works for the per- 
 petuation of life. 
 
 Evolution is a sex law. Natural selection, more 
 and more complex organism, finer and finer reproduc- 
 tion, is God's method for beautifying himself in man. 
 Protoplasm did not scheme to have a progeny different 
 from itself. God in the entity of Mrs. Protoplasm 
 desired to reproduce himself to something which he 
 was not — and he did. 
 
 A woman desires to be mated to a man who possesses 
 qualifications which make for better progeny — life 
 seeking to excel itself. One flower selects the co-opera- 
 tion of another not of its kind, and new flowers come 
 to be. One mineral selects another, and the birth of 
 a new mineral is the result. New animals, new birds, 
 new stars, and new worlds come to be from this natural 
 selection. The intellect would call that selection 
 prostitution, and the reproduction illegitimate, but 
 there is no illegitimacy in God. Illegitimacy is an 
 institution of the wise, and the wise are only a small part 
 of Life, the same as the bastard and the fool. And 
 whenever the wise become too wise God reveals himself 
 in the guise of a fool to show them that they don't 
 know the things they thought they knew. 
 
 Goodness and badness are within ourselves, from 
 the very lowest to the very highest. Does it please or 
 
196 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 displease us, is the test for goodness or badness. A 
 thing, a man, an action, cannot be good or bad of itself. 
 Its relationship to us determines its value. A thing 
 does not please us because it is good. It does not dis- 
 please us because it is bad. It is good because it 
 pleases us; it is bad because it displeases us. 
 
 An over-ripe egg and limburger cheese are equally 
 unpleasant to one of our senses, yet we call the cheese 
 good and the egg bad because its relationship to our taste 
 is pleasant as to cheese and otherwise in case of the egg. 
 
 Every one has the judge in his own heart. And the 
 judges within ourselves render decisions, and we act in 
 accordance with the bribe we receive, and the best of 
 us along with the worst are being constantly bribed. 
 The bribe always is satisfaction to ourselves. The only 
 difference is that we are not all pleased alike. Some of 
 us can be bribed with personal gratification, and some 
 of us get our satisfaction only in the satisfaction of 
 others. A good man is he whose satisfaction is the 
 satisfaction of others. A bad man is he whose satis- 
 faction excludes others. A good man is he who attains 
 pleasure by seeking to contribute to the pleasure of 
 others. A bad man is one who seeks the satisfaction of 
 his own wants regardless of the interest of his fellows. 
 
 When I lose a thing I am just as much lost to the 
 thing as the thing is lost to me. Our relationship is 
 gone; we cease to be in communion with one another. 
 
 The soul of man is not lost that it needs be saved. 
 Lost is the soul which thinketh that it needs saving. 
 
WHERE I FOUND HIM 197 
 
 The righteous and pious who condemn and claim 
 that man's soul is lost and needs saving are in themselves 
 lost to the extent that they condemn. So the soul which 
 needs saving is not the one condemned, as the con- 
 demned do not condemn. The condemned do not cast 
 themselves off from the virtuous. The virtuous cut 
 themselves off from the thing they condemn, and thereby 
 become lost and need saving. To the extent that you 
 condemn, to that extent you are cut off from life and 
 are lost; and moreover, life is hindered in its free action, 
 even in the parts which are considered virtuous. It is not 
 the sinner that Jesus came to save ; the sinner is not lost. 
 It is the saints who need saving. By condemning they 
 are cut off from life, and they will be saved only when 
 they reconcile themselves to whatsoever they condemn. 
 
 The sum total of my search is this: had I known 
 enough to look for God in a wise manner I would have 
 had a problem on my hands. As the balance is not at 
 all flattering, and to keep my self-respect, I would have 
 to condemn every other self, that I may place myself 
 above them and thereby separate myself from God. 
 Going about in the manner I did, I discovered God is 
 everywhere, God is everything, and his schemes are to 
 have a good time with himself and by letting life express 
 itself through me to obey the callings of life through 
 my heart I am at one with all-there-is — with the pros- 
 titute in the church and school, as well as with the one 
 who sells himself or herself for a crust of bread. Therein 
 lies the advantage of not being wise. 
 
FREE LOVE 
 
FREE LOVE 
 
 EVERY religion is based on a God of Love. 
 The saying of Moses in the old testament, 
 *' Love thy neighbor as thyself," and what Hillel 
 in the Talmud said, " What is hateful to you do not to 
 your neighbor," and that which is proclaimed by Jesus 
 in the Sermon on the Mount, " Do unto others as you 
 would have them do unto you," and the one by Con- 
 fucius, *' Do not to another what you would not desire 
 that he do unto you" — each of these sayings is called 
 the Golden Rule, and they are accepted as a religious 
 principle by a large following. Combined they cover 
 the religion of the world. Why then do not the reli- 
 gious people religiously love ? Why does wisdom then 
 fail ? 
 
 It is not for me to assume the guidance of the good 
 and the wondrous wise ; yet, may I not wonder whether 
 the failure of practice to conform to precept may not 
 be a misconception of love by the wise ? 
 
 Suppose I had been experimenting with a coloring 
 herb for years and had failed to get results. The very 
 first to say that my formula is wrong would be the wise. 
 They would insist that some one else should have the 
 opportunity to try his recipe. I wonder what is wrong 
 
 201 
 
202 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 with that Love scheme of the wise. Everybody seems 
 to want it. It is talked about by all and no one seems 
 to have it. What's up ? Church and State have ever 
 been repositories of this wisdom, so I blame them for 
 the failure to make it work, and I ask you for the 
 privilege of demonstrating my love formula. 
 
 Church and State would make us believe that love 
 is injected by force; it comes, they say, from some 
 mystic where to the chosen few, who alone can furnish 
 that article to those who feel in need of it. Therefore 
 they established institutions, such as Sabbath schools, 
 sewing circles, social settlements, reform clubs, anti- 
 cigarette leagues, anti-vice societies, and the thousand 
 and one others, for the purpose of changing the heart 
 of man. Man will love when his heart is changed, they 
 all say. I cannot imagine any advantage in changing 
 that shape, which required ages to evolve, to a round 
 or star shaped heart. Beware, says Church and State, 
 of getting love or into love by taboo paths. Obey 
 Church and State, that thy days may be long in the sort 
 of happiness which they ladle out to you. Love of any 
 brand that has not the sanction of Church and State is 
 lust and passion. To supply yourself without paying 
 duty you are not only not receiving the genuine article, 
 but are smuggling as well. The punishment for 
 smuggling, if your case comes within the jurisdiction 
 of the Church, is fire, brimstone, torment, ostracism, 
 and other devices that may be summed up under the 
 general head, Hell. Those who declare their alle- 
 
FREE LOVE 203 
 
 giance by full payment of the required duties are prom- 
 ised harps of a thousand strings (with sufficient finger 
 equipment to fetch forth heavenly music), golden streets, 
 avenues of jasper and amethyst, radiant halos, rapid- 
 action wings, and a large repertoire of songs. The 
 State likewise has a schedule, whereby both rewards 
 and punishments are not so long delayed. 
 
 These penalties, whether in the hereafter in hell or 
 before you have time to get there, are in the name of 
 love, law and order, progress, and good citizenship. 
 After having a fair trial for a few thousand years, I 
 charge them with incompetency, their formula being 
 an entire failure. I have examined their books, and 
 the net balance found is great liabilities and no assets. 
 Man is further away from happiness and love than ever 
 before they took charge. They had good advertising 
 and a fair trial, and have failed to produce results. 
 Man is getting further and further away from Love. 
 Instead of here and there a murder they are slaugh- 
 tering themselves and each other by the wholesale; 
 strikes, lockouts galore; jails, prisons overcrowded; 
 the soldier's home, the orphan's home, the homes for 
 foundlings, the home for the incurable, the home for 
 reformed prostitutes, testify that the people are getting 
 further and further away from brotherly love. 
 
 "Reverse!" says Jacob. "The assumption that 
 the mass of mankind is a loveless agglomeration of in- 
 dividuals is false, and accounts for the falsity of our 
 common life. You have been trying to grow your 
 
204 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 potatoes on top of the stalk instead of underground. 
 They will not grow there. Nature has decided other- 
 wise. If you desire potatoes you must look for them 
 where life has placed them." 
 
 "Reverse your entire plan of life, cast away the 
 things you have taken up ; gather up the things you have 
 cast away. Take off the label ' Evil ' you have placed 
 upon the things you have cast aside and label it * Good.' 
 Seek in the opposite direction for life, and you will find 
 rest, love, and satisfaction." 
 
 There is in the heart of the *' masses " a great sur- 
 ging volume of love seeking an outlet. There is in 
 the hearts of these people a vast wealth of love that 
 clamors to be freed from all imposts and repressions. 
 But a sentinel stands in the way preventing expression. 
 There is a taboo on free expression of Love. 
 
 This vigilant sentinel-inspector of the custom-house 
 of Church and State stands ready to fire on whoever 
 frees Love. 
 
 This is the world's tragedy, that its Love is in 
 bondage ! O for the great Emancipation ! Sore is the 
 heart of man, for Love is in chains ! 
 
 Do you think people need to be educated to love ? 
 Observe the gallery of a cheap playhouse; hear the 
 illiterate, unkempt street waif applaud with all the 
 vigor that a loving heart commands when the heroine 
 is saved from mimic danger. You laugh at the cordial 
 plaudits that the gallery yields to melodrama. That 
 is because you know no better than to mock the spon- 
 
FREE LOVE 205 
 
 taneity of love. We dislike spontaneity. It is too free 
 and unrestrained. We crave reposeful dignity. Think 
 of a dignified Cupid ! 
 
 Do you remember reading the story of that poor con- 
 vict who escaped from prison and had succeeded in baf- 
 fling the searching parties. He was securely shielded in 
 a thicket near a village. There was an alarm of fire, and 
 he heard a frantic mother shrieking for assistance for 
 the rescue of her child. To offer help meant rein- 
 carceration. Nevertheless he did not hesitate. His 
 face was scorched when he delivered the child un- 
 scathed to its mother, but under the soot and burns 
 there was a look of satisfaction even when the officers 
 took him back to his living tomb. 
 
 TMiat is tliis enthusiasm of the newsboy and the 
 convict ? Is it not love ^ Society imprisons the one 
 and degrades the other, because they are judged to be 
 without love. 
 
 Take the word of a fool that society's wisdom is at 
 fault. The misery of the world is due, in spite of all 
 your findings to the contrary, to the fact that the heart 
 is not free to express itself; and how to free the heart is 
 the problem. 
 
 If I have an ulcer in my throat and am nearly fam- 
 ished because of the difficulty of swallowing my vic- 
 tuals, the problem that confronts me is not how to 
 increase my appetite, but how to assuage it. Read the 
 faces of the people and you will see that their heart is 
 breaking because they love and are prevented expression. 
 
206 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 The man who dropped a nickel in the cable slot 
 to stop the car was wise in comparison to him who 
 thinks that Love can live otherwise than free. 
 
 Love does not work at all unless it be so simple as 
 to be automatic and spontaneous. It is not by "trying," 
 but by "letting," that happiness is realized. Little 
 children love without restraint, and they are and remain 
 happy until a perverted education prompts them to 
 suppress love. To love! To love freely without 
 analysis or question. Love and the capacity to love 
 increases until it is all-embracing. He who loves, loves 
 even when hated, is true to the love law. If I love you 
 because you love me, that is barter, not love. My love 
 will then depend on the extent of your love for me. 
 
 If you love God because of the desire to go to 
 Heaven, the conception you have of Heaven determines 
 the extent of your love. As you really cannot conceive 
 Heaven, you really do not love him at all. Anything 
 worth having cannot be bought, therefore you get it 
 for nothing. Love that can be bought is not worth the 
 price. The most precious thing in life is the love of 
 my mother. I received it gratuitously and undeserv- 
 ingly, giving pain in return. I love with all my being, 
 even if the torments of Hell would be its reward. I love, 
 because I love to love. 
 
 Love does not come by talking about it, not any 
 more than a corn-field comes into being by talking 
 about it. Suppose all the gardeners of the city would 
 talk and pray flowers, how many flowers will you 
 
FREE LOVE 207 
 
 have ? How unreasonable you are to expect love to 
 come that way. This is the law of propagation : a seed 
 must be sown in order that an object may grow and 
 multiply. 
 
 The blockade is effective, and I admit that I do not 
 know how we shall raise it, for they who make it so 
 can supply you arguments by the ton that it is wise as 
 well. And the world is with the blockaders. 
 
 The miscreant who cries "Stop thief!" when run- 
 ning from his pursuers has this sort of blockader wis- 
 dom. Who, indeed, would think of seeking the thief 
 at the very head of the chase .^ Likewise it is that they 
 who most earnestly preach to us to love our neighbors 
 are the most diligent in preventing us from giving 
 expression to that impulse. 
 
 They who so loudly preach this — does their love 
 evince any semblance of it in their treatment of their 
 fellows ? Is it love that proclaims that the husband- 
 man must pay *' duty " for the use of the earth ? Is 
 the love he preaches back of such a claim ? It is the 
 wolf in the covering of a peaceable lamb. Love is the 
 landlord's mask. It is fair to look upon, and he em- 
 ploys the blockading forces of church and state to lull 
 us with his false pretenses of love. And it is the chief 
 business of society to justify the mask. 
 
 But a velvet glove covers the mailed fist. It is a 
 part of the garish masquerade. And so we do not see 
 the iron hand beneath its false exterior. We are 
 soothed by the very insistence of kindliness which the 
 
208 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 velvet glove denotes. And so we do not recognize the 
 force that inheres in the armor that it conceals. Else 
 would we discern the challenge and meet it. It's a 
 clever game, there's no denying. And right well do 
 the blockaders play it. The blockade is not main- 
 tained, they assure us, for our hurt, but for our pro- 
 tection. How dearly we love our protectors; and how 
 well they know that when we discover that the mystic 
 inscription on their banner means force that we too 
 will employ force. But no one sees through the decep- 
 tion save here and there a fool. 
 
 Any scheme of society that requires force to main- 
 tain its stability must fail. Society professes to be the 
 defender of right and justice. More than half of man- 
 kind accepts this protestation without cavil. Yet I 
 am the only fool ! 
 
 There's not a land title in all the world that is free 
 from taint of force and fraud. Not one. For no one 
 can claim title from the maker. And there is no other 
 valid title to ownership. And they who defend land 
 titles are accessory to fraud. This is a stern indict- 
 ment, though writ by a fool. This army of fraud is 
 the force that prevents the interflow of love that would 
 make all the world a paradise were it free. 
 
 Your heart cries for a chance to live and love. It 
 is dying to love and your wisdom stands in the way. 
 How long, I ask you, do you think that Life will 
 consent to let you suppress love ? 
 
 Has not history taught you that when fools awake, 
 
FREE LOVE 209 
 
 stretch, and shake themselves, the wise look foolish ? 
 I see that you do not understand. 
 
 One of the blockaders said to me not long ago that 
 he could trace his title back to the original conqueror. 
 He does not see the danger in the admission that his 
 titles are of conquest, for I may some day feel like con- 
 tending with him on that basis for his holding. When 
 we no longer acquiesce in titles by conquest they will 
 fall. And with the fall we will not need to meet force 
 and fraud by force and fraud. 
 
 There is no love in bond-love. There is no freedom 
 in love short of all freedom. 
 
OSTRACIZED 
 
OSTRACIZED 
 
 WALKING along the street one day, my mind 
 occupied with the urgency of getting money 
 that I might be successful, I came upon an 
 object prone upon the sidewalk. "Some drunken old 
 woman," I muttered to myself, as I passed slowly on. 
 After having taken a few steps I stopped, seemingly 
 compelled to look back upon the woman; I saw that 
 she was struggling to get up on her feet. She had seen 
 my action, and now as her eyes rested upon me, she 
 stretched forth her arms and said : 
 
 " Sister, help me to get up, and I will make you free." 
 My sympathies went out to her at once; a desire 
 came over me to help her, not because of her promise 
 to make me free, as I was not aware that I was other- 
 wise than free. We have freedom all over this great 
 country of ours. Nevertheless, I was conscious of a 
 hesitation, due doubtless to a fear that my yielding to 
 compassion in giving a helping hand would be ruinous 
 to my career. 
 
 *'^Vhat will the people say," thought I. "They 
 will surely laugh and guy me." With this thought I 
 was about to proceed on my way, when the woman 
 called out: 
 
 213 
 
214 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 " I am not drunk, child ; I am only weak from being 
 knocked about so much." Her voice won me, it being 
 rich, melodious, and soothing. I stepped toward her 
 and at once assisted her to arise. 
 
 *'For this kind act I will reward you. I will tell 
 you the history of my life," she said. I know now that 
 I did wrong in listening to her. As I look over the past 
 I can see that it was she who arrested what might have 
 proved a successful career. My evil nature managed 
 to get the better of me. I gave her my arm and walked 
 her away from the crowd, as though we were very 
 intimate. 
 
 "I hate crowds," she said; "they are always so 
 stupid that they are not accountable for their actions. 
 They have eyes, yet do not see; ears they have, but hear 
 not; minds they have, but think not. I hope you are 
 not one of the kind to be found in that crowd." 
 
 She paused, focused her big, brilliant eyes on me, 
 and continued : 
 
 "My story is this: When I was very young and 
 handsome I fell in love with a young prince, and he 
 with me. His father, the King, did not oppose the 
 match, so in due time we were united. My prince was 
 the handsomest and most accomplished in the world, 
 learned, and a master of sciences. For miles people 
 came to hear his lectures. He was sought by the sick; 
 the lame he made to walk and the blind to see. His 
 fame spread from one end of the world to the other. 
 Beloved by all was he. We were happy, the prince and 
 
OSTRACIZED 215 
 
 I. Our children — you should have seen them ! Words 
 ■do not exist to portray them. The interruption to our 
 happiness was due to the jealousy of a neighboring 
 couple who were wrought up with envy because of the 
 serene content I was enjoying. So one dark night, 
 there being a violent storm, they crept into our house 
 and imprisoned the prince. Thereupon they installed 
 themselves — her husband as the prince, and herself as 
 the princess. My beautiful children banished, and I 
 know not where they are now. The imposters claim 
 that their children are the children of royalty. I am 
 broken-hearted !" 
 
 " It is strange," I said, " that a thing like that could 
 happen and I should not hear of it." 
 
 **The people know it not," she said, "they cannot 
 even suspect it, since things go on in our household as 
 of yore." 
 
 "The pretender to my husband's estate gives lec- 
 tures with grand display. The crowds who hear him 
 applaud these deliverances. Their lack of lucidity 
 invests them with an air of wondrous wisdom. So 
 bitterly have they inflamed the people against us that 
 I am the target of stones and revilement whenever I 
 assert myself." 
 
 I begged her to tell me the names of herself and 
 husband. Her name was Truth, she said, and that 
 of her husband was Wisdom. Their children were 
 Happiness, Justice, Art, Love, Progress. Falsehood 
 and Deception were the usurpers. 
 
216 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 "That story of yours is a strange one indeed, 
 madam," I said, "but I have the impression that 
 Wisdom will be found at the university." 
 
 "That's what they all say," she said, "but I have 
 sought him there, and found him not. My husband's 
 teachings are universal, not university. There the 
 people have the privilege only of contributing. They 
 who are debarred provide the food, shelter, and raiment 
 for them who do not toil. 
 
 " The buildings are tainted by the sweat and blood 
 of the disinherited, who ' built but enter not in.' It is 
 the home of dissected half-truths — acrobatic intellec- 
 tuahty. They chew over the indigestible, unnourish- 
 able yesterday, to be vomited and injected into others 
 tomorrow." 
 
 " Surely the university is better than no education," 
 I interposed. 
 
 "Education! The university has corrupted the 
 very word. Instead of 'drawing out' or educing the 
 powers of the student by the process of unfoldment 
 and expansion of the faculties of mind and body, the 
 university's education means that some exterior influ- 
 ence is exerted on something to make it act, do, or think, 
 contrary to the natural bent of the real self. 
 
 " When you say ' educated dog,' it means a dog that 
 can turn somersaults, walk on two legs, and do things 
 foreign to the real nature of dogs. An educated 
 elephant is one that can waltz, stand on one leg, and 
 drink whiskey. An educated horse is one that can 
 
OSTRACIZED 217 
 
 waltz, keep time to music — accomplishments which 
 were not intended for it by nature. An educated horse 
 is unreUable at the plow or other horse work. An 
 educated man is one taught to live that which is not 
 himself. His education deals largely with clothing, 
 manner of walk, how to sit at the table and eat. To 
 talk about things you don't like and look pleasant; act 
 as if you enjoyed it, although you are bored. It unfits 
 man for the work nature intended for him. He then 
 becomes a helpless creature, living on the good will of 
 others. No, my child, Wisdom is not in the univer- 
 sity." 
 
 At this I said, "I can tell you where Art can be 
 found. Perhaps she knows where her father is. We 
 have a beautiful art conservatory here; it is the home 
 of art, where all the doings in the art world must be 
 brought and their merits discovered and approved or 
 tagged ofiicially inartistic. There is much learning in 
 the critics' heads, so they tell me." 
 
 "It is true, my child," she said, "that Art is Wis- 
 dom's child. She is our first bom, and was closest to 
 my husband's heart. She is the pleasure and the happi- 
 ness of those who know her, and is closely associated 
 with all that brings joy to man. But Art is not where 
 you suppose her to be. This curiosity shop, filled with 
 statues, copies and imitations from the Mediaeval and 
 Greek, is a bedizened prostitute posing as my daughter 
 Art. 
 
 "Art is life itself. It must come as an expression 
 
218 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 from within the man. His environment and his whole 
 Hfe must be expressed therein. The Mediaeval and 
 Greek art express this. The pictures and the statues 
 that were carved, the bronzes that were hammered, 
 had places in the buildings; those buildings had space 
 in the old city, which as a united whole expressed the 
 life of those people. To call an abstract or carved 
 figure art is like calling an abstract nose man. It is 
 ridiculous ! 
 
 "Art is in all the activities of man. Art is not 
 mysterious; it is life, not limited to the palette and the 
 chisel; it is the joy of work and the result of a labor of 
 love. When the housewife goes about her work and 
 sings, there is art. When a mother makes a nightshirt 
 for the child she loves, no matter how crude it is, that 
 is art, for the real essence of art is instilled into it; it is 
 a work of love, a work of happiness. To recognize art 
 you must sense the conditions that environ the man 
 who made the thing. Did he derive pleasure from 
 doing it ? If the artist or the artisan has interwoven 
 his heart and his life into his work, art is there, and 
 radiates from the product and illumines it. 
 
 *'You cannot confine it to walls. Like life, it is 
 spontaneous. It cannot be planned, organized, bottled, 
 or labeled. It is the fruit of the heart. It always is. 
 When we aim to be artistic and organize for it we be- 
 come art-less. Think of the futility of planning and 
 organizing an affair of the heart ! Think of organizing 
 yourself to fall in love! We find evidences of such 
 
OSTRACIZED 219 
 
 fatuity in the Municipal Art League, organized to make 
 Chicago a beautiful city. The result is so natural that 
 its executive officer obstructs the street before his place 
 of business with barrels, bundles, bales, and boxes." 
 
 " Now I have it," I said to the woman; "Justice will 
 tell where Wisdom is, for where Justice is Wisdom 
 cannot be far away. We will go together to the place 
 where they punish a man if he does not deal in a 
 brotherly manner. You can surely have nothing to 
 say against this noble institution of Justice, where 
 life and property are protected, and without which 
 man would kill his brother and escape punishment for 
 the crime." 
 
 "You are wrong, my child," she said. *'The 
 institution that is called Justice is conducted by the 
 usurpers, who run it for their own benefit, and not at 
 all for the happiness or advantage of the people. No 
 specie of animal would tolerate being in prison and tor- 
 tured by its own kind. Truth, Justice, and Wisdom 
 need no force to compel obedience. Falsehood in the 
 guise of protecting property needs force; and injunc- 
 tions are issued against the toilers of the earth. 
 
 " This very morning," she went on to say, " I visited 
 one of these market-houses. I saw one man justified for 
 killing a fellow-man who had taken a pair of shoes, and 
 another condemned for taking a bit of food to stay the 
 hunger of a famished family conducted to a prison cell. 
 The father was denied the opportunity of continuing his 
 fruitless search for work whereby to earn them a pit- 
 
220 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 tance, and his children are still hungry. And there were 
 young girls who had been deprived of means to save 
 themselves from want imprisoned for street-walking, 
 by people who claim that the streets belong to the 
 people. No, my child, neither Justice nor Wisdom 
 will be found in such a place. It, too, is under the 
 influence of Deception." 
 
 "Why don't you try the Church .?" I asked. " There 
 surely we may discover Wisdom. It is claimed God 
 is there. The devotees at that shrine claim to be in 
 constant communion with him, and they are very 
 fine and honorable. They devote their time to fasting 
 and praying; and are saving souls constantly. Think 
 of the grandeur of such devotion! Yes, surely the 
 Church will reveal the whereabouts of Wisdom, for 
 I have been told that where God is, there is Wisdom." 
 
 "Alas, my child," sighed Truth, "you are wrong 
 again. Two places there are where man seeks God 
 and finds him not, within the walls of the temple, and 
 at the graveside. *You cannot imprison me between 
 walls,' says God, 'neither is my place with the dead. 
 I am the living God of the living. Where misery is I 
 am. My abode is with the rebel, the thief, the sick, the 
 prostrate, and the prostitute.' The churches save not; 
 they sear the soul of man. Hypocrisy and Falsehood 
 sit enthroned there. Neither these nor their disciples 
 can 'save the unsavable.' Nor is that soul worth 
 saving that would save itself. That soul that real- 
 izes the general welfare is saved. Whoso, then, strives 
 
OSTRACIZED 221 
 
 for the tranquillity of the social whole and 'seeketh 
 not his own will find rest.' 
 
 "I know the very people," I suggested. "Think 
 of the gentle and generous men and women in the 
 Social Settlement work, who devote their lives and 
 means to a kindly solution of social problems. 
 These 'modem saints' are animated by brotherhood 
 and good will; surely we shall find Wisdom there." 
 
 "Wisdom is not there," she responded. "The 
 Social Settlement is only one other way of stajdng 
 progress. Such expedients serve to palliate injustice — 
 to quell the righteous insurgency of the disinherited and 
 despoiled. It is a sop to the conscience of the amiable 
 oppressor. This paltering with conscience is so much 
 easier and cheaper than to 'get off the backs' of the 
 beneficiaries. It is 'jolly' palmed off as justice. If 
 you were obliged to carry a boil on your neck for the 
 remainder of your life, its appearance would be im- 
 proved if you decorate it. Better find a way to get 
 rid of the boil." 
 
 "Look here, madam," I protested, with anger, 
 " this wholesale condemning process will not do. This 
 tearing down because there is some evil is uncalled for. 
 You wish to destroy the Social Settlement and offer us 
 nothing in place of the Benevolent Ice Fund and the 
 Humane Pure Milk Supply. You wish to rob us of 
 all. Truth would not tear down everything ; it would 
 preserve the good that is in the bad. I believe you 
 are an impostor, madam, and — " 
 
222 THOUGHTS OF A FOOT. 
 
 *'Hush, child, not another word." She put her 
 hand over my mouth so I could not speak and said : 
 
 "The Red Cross Society with its skilled surgeons 
 and nurses, along with their surgical instruments, 
 bandages, and liniments, and words of good cheer, do 
 a good work to the wounded ; likewise does he who rubs 
 down the prize fighter; but in the name of my beloved 
 Wisdom, let the war cease. 
 
 *' Stop the music ! Stay the hands of the Red Cross ! 
 Let the horror of war be seen as it is ! Remove the 
 glittering wrapper of patriotism! Let civilization be 
 seen in its nakedness ! Let the cries and grunts of the 
 maimed, limbless, and brainless patriots who are lying 
 on the battle-field of commerce pierce the Heavens and 
 reach the soul of God ! * Your sacrifice nauseates me,' 
 said God, my Father. Wisdom says that it it not evil 
 that is to be feared ; it is the good which is in evil which 
 decoys innocence and snares the unwary. It is not the 
 trap that plays havoc with the rat; it is that virtuous, 
 good, and noble bait, that pious, saintly piece of roast 
 beef enshrined on its altar which allures the rodent to 
 the trap. If you are not in position to fill the hole in 
 the pathway of humanity, for God's sake do not cover 
 it with a spider-web. Falsehood by itself could harm 
 no one; it could not exist. The interwoven grain of 
 truth in falsehood is what works mischief. 
 
 " In place of war you shall have peace. You shall 
 have sound limbs in place of crutches. Broad acres I 
 will give you in place of stuffy garrets ; instead of bottle 
 
OSTRACIZED 223 
 
 milk you shall have pure mother milk, distilled from 
 nutritious food and fresh air, among the songs of the 
 birds and the poetry of nature. 
 
 " Let there be justice and you will not need charity." 
 In despair I suggested that in the camps of the 
 SociaHsts we might end our quest. "These good 
 people," I declared, "make great and noble sacrifices 
 in a worthy cause. Let them enroll a majority of the 
 voters, and an era of peace on earth, good will to man, 
 will be ushered in. No more the struggle for subsis- 
 tence. No competition, no thefts, no harlotry, no jails. 
 Every one will have plenty. The petty quarrels that 
 might still arise could be speedily settled by judges 
 selected by all the people, whereas under the present 
 regime, capital administers government for its own 
 protection." 
 
 "Wrong again, my child," she said. "Wisdom is 
 not in that camp. Capital is not the oppressor of man- 
 kind. It is the power back of capital that perver^^^s 
 society. Capital is a servant. When it attains mastery 
 it becomes mischievous. Possession of wealth is desir- 
 able. The triumph of socialism would centralize it. 
 When your industries are administered by the State, 
 every foreman in the shop will be a politician. The 
 rights and privileges you still retain will be denied you 
 under socialism. The freedom of the individual will 
 be lessened. Your little satraps, dnmk with power, 
 will seize more and more power, and you will lose even 
 your slender privilege to *kick.' No man, be he ever 
 
224 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 so pure, is strong enough and good enough to hold in 
 his keeping the Hberties of another. In short, you can- 
 not obtain or maintain peace by force. The terms 
 contradict each other." 
 
 All at once her eyes brightened and her mien trans- 
 formed to a beauty and a grandeur that amazed me. 
 
 "See," she cried, as one enraptured, *'I have found 
 them — my mate and our bairns !" 
 
 I seemed to be floating in space. Presently I be- 
 came aware of a bright and shining light. I was in 
 the presence of a farmer spreading dung over the land, 
 and he spoke to me while working. 
 
 " The more the stench of the dung, the more fragrant 
 flowers it will produce," he said. *'The rottener the 
 manure, the more strength-giving fruit it will bring 
 forth. Life has so decreed that when a thing has 
 become so vile that it cannot get worse, then it is so 
 good that it makes other things better. There is 
 nothing in life so great that the very least cannot become 
 greater by becoming still less ; letting itself be used as 
 fertilizer to make other things greater. When thoughts 
 become very, very, foolish they become unexcelled as 
 fertilizer. No being has so much knowledge that the 
 one who knows not cannot excel it by knowing still 
 less. Everything has its use. All is one. Until you 
 understand — ." 
 
 My heart trembled with fear, for a great darkness 
 spread over the horizon. My senses were leaving me. 
 I felt myself in the dung which was spread over the 
 
OSTRACISED 225 
 
 ground. I felt myself becoming a part of the earth, 
 a part of the grass, a part of everything there is. Then 
 again I felt that all there was of me was gathered up 
 and put into a body again, and I was still in the presence 
 of Wisdom, Truth, and their offspring. 
 
 Wisdom held me in his arms; his hand pointed to 
 what appeared at first as a cloud. Each moment it 
 became more dense. 
 
 It was a monster with a thousand tongues ever and 
 ever changing form, I discerned familiar phases. 
 
 There were swords and bludgeons. Caps and gowns 
 and books. Reformers, Social Settlements. Success- 
 ful business men. Christian Scientists, and prostitutes. 
 Virtuous women, corsets, clubs, law and order. Bibles, 
 and crucifixes. 
 
 And all these and more made up the monster, 
 Prejudice. 
 
 I realized that I was now alone. I heard as from 
 a thousand raucous throats a great cry, addressed, I 
 knew, to me: 
 
 "Thou fool: thou art ostracized." 
 
MY FIRST CASE 
 
MY FIRST CASE 
 
 IT was a great privilege that was accorded me last 
 night to be allowed to sit in the gallery and hear 
 the speeches at the banquet. Our senior senator's 
 response to the toast *'My First Case," made so strong 
 an impression upon me that even after I had crept into 
 bed I thought of it. How great must be the satisfac- 
 tion of a young lawyer who successfully pleads his first 
 case in behalf of some poor client against a rich cor- 
 poration ! How gratifying to wrest victory from more 
 experienced antagonists, and to be upheld by the 
 presence of his friends and his sweetheart. 
 
 In my half -waking condition I was wishing that my 
 career would have been one of a lawyer instead of a 
 bustle-maker. Then, like a panorama, my life was 
 mirrored before me, and in the moving pictures as they 
 passed by I saw complaints, trials, verdicts ; complaints, 
 trials, verdicts. 
 
 Without realizing it, I have been in court from the 
 day of my birth, constantly pleading my cases; and 
 the prospects are good for employing the remainder 
 of my days in court. 
 
 My first case began at my birth, although I did not 
 possess, as yet, a diploma which would qualify me to 
 
 229 
 
230 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 practice before a court of record. Nevertheless, I 
 pleaded that case with all the force and eloquence my 
 infant lungs could muster. When my mother sub- 
 stituted malted milk in order to save her breasts to 
 decorate a decollete gown for receptions, balls, and 
 parties, I felt that I was being swindled of what life 
 had bequeathed to me. What right had that mother 
 of mine to use that which nature intrusted to her keep- 
 ing to be used as a distillery and a store-house for my 
 food as an ornament with which to decorate herself at 
 gala shows. To misuse that with which one is intrusted 
 is a violation of a trust and the offender guilty of breach 
 of trust. To squander a trust fund and to substitute 
 something else of an inferior grade is fraud. Though 
 I survived this ordeal, my mother was putting herself 
 into the attitude of a potential murderess, for I might 
 have died of such treatment. I protested against 
 this larceny as bailee. I registered my complaint by 
 kicking, crying, and screaming. Mother gave me over 
 to my nurse, and she tossed me about and finally put 
 me in my cradle, and called the doctor, who put a few 
 drops of dope in my food, and I went to sleep ex- 
 hausted. Thus I pleaded and lost my first case. 
 
 The next picture which appeared before me was 
 when I, a child of two years, stood looking out of my 
 window and seeing, other children enjoying themselves 
 playing on the street, while my clothes, nurse said, were 
 too fine and my parents too rich and respectable for 
 me to play with common people's children, and when 
 
MY FIRST CASE 231 
 
 I cried nurse took me in her arms and pointed to some 
 kind of a chart which hung framed on the wall and said 
 that this was a "family tree," and people who have 
 them must not cry. 
 
 What right had they to impose their respectability 
 and the dignity of their riches, which I did not care for, 
 and of which I did not know the use, upon a helpless, 
 defenseless child ? And even to this day I do not know 
 and cannot understand what good a "family tree" is. 
 Life had appointed them guardian to care for me in 
 the best possible manner till I should be able to care for 
 myself. What right did they have to impose their love- 
 less life upon me "^ And when the male guardian of the 
 family came home from his club the worse for liquor, 
 what right had he to "tootsie wootsie" and kiss me 
 and make me sick with his vile breath ? I pleaded 
 my case by pulling my father's whiskers, by kicking 
 the governess, and running away whenever the oppor- 
 tunity offered. Nevertheless I lost my case. 
 
 Later, when my parents separated because of in- 
 compatibility, and I was placed in a convent by the 
 order of the court, my emotions sought expression in 
 playing. But the rules of the convent did not permit 
 play. Instead, they crammed me with information 
 about things that did not concern me and refused me 
 answers to questions upon that which interested me. 
 They made me pray when I had no prayer in me, and 
 they read all the letters that I wrote and received. I 
 protested against this invasion and abridgement of my 
 
232 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 liberty by crying and scolding the nuns, and by running 
 away several times, but was always taken back to 
 endure even more vigorous restraint. And so I lost 
 my case. I seemed to be the victim of a conspiracy to 
 cheat me of my inheritance. But I thought that 
 probably if I would endure it for a while that when I 
 had become grown up I should come into my estate of 
 liberty. But in this expectation I was doomed to dis- 
 appointment as well as before, for when I reached 
 womanhood I found that I was expected to permit 
 others to shape my life for me. 
 
 The next vision on the panorama is the saddest of 
 my life, seeing two of my sisters die, one of con- 
 sumption, being unhappy with her husband, and not 
 being strong enough to withstand the drain of successive 
 child-bearing upon her tired frame. Children kindly 
 nature had given her, not of a normal motherhood de- 
 mand but because her husband was the provider and 
 my sister a woman anxious for peace submitted to his 
 vile passions rather than to have him nagging. Mother 
 nature cares not for the cause of the demand made upon 
 her; so long there be a demand she supplies without 
 question. And so my sister died. 
 
 The cause of my other sister's death was likewise a 
 "brute of a husband." Sisters, dear sisters, how I 
 mourn you! How I mourn your sacrifice to conven- 
 tionality ! I should think that this monster convention 
 would have been satisfied with two sacrificial offer- 
 ings in one family. So when my maternal feeling got 
 
MY FIRST CASE 
 
 so strong, and the desire to become a mother so great 
 within me, I thought that I should be permitted to 
 become one without pledging my body for life to a 
 man whose attentions I would probably not care to re- 
 ceive after conception. The fish of the sea have their 
 appointed time to propagate. The fowls of the air 
 have their mating seasons. The beasts of the forest 
 their breeding periods. But you, my brother, impose 
 your uncontrolled passions on your mate in and out of 
 season. 
 
 I, a full-grown woman, passed the age of thirty, I 
 thought would be permitted to select the man that 
 should father my child. And not heeding my neigh- 
 bors when they tried to dictate to me by whom, when, 
 and how I should become a mother, I am indicted 
 as being an unfit person to be admitted to the homes 
 of my fellow-citizens. Ostracism from my fellow- 
 beings is the verdict they ask public opinion to give. 
 And even now, when my child is four years of age, 
 I have fully proven to convention that a child that 
 comes into the world because of the demand of the 
 mother, will be provided by life with all the love it needs. 
 
 Yet I am dragged into the Court of Public Opinion, 
 my accusers asking for my condemnation, and put upon 
 my defense. 
 
 In my reverie I seemed to arise slowly, perfectly 
 conscious of my victory, knowing the responsibility 
 devolving on me, ready and willing to plead not only 
 for myself but for the freedom of my sex. So, facing 
 
234 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 the court, and in a clear and distinct voice which seemed 
 to ring through the court-room, I said: 
 
 *' The honorable Court of Public Opinion, and the 
 citizens under its control : there is a feeling abides with 
 me, a conviction I might say, that you will deliberate 
 this case carefully, without any fear and prejudice, in 
 the most calm manner, as the happiness of womanhood 
 is at stake. Your own happiness, as well as your 
 daughter's; your sister's as well as my own. I beg of 
 you to please record that I am not now setting up any 
 defense against the charge with which I am confronted. 
 If my desire and anxiety would be for my acquittal I 
 would let the case go before your honorable body for de- 
 cision without setting up any defense, as my accusers 
 have not proven the charges set out in the indictment. 
 I admit that I am associated, in fact very intimate, with 
 Love. But it is admitted by all, and I have even heard 
 this honorable court say, that to love is no crime. But, 
 say they in the indictment, that I use my love with a 
 hypnotic power, and thereby I destroy and wreck the 
 life of Happy Homes. And say they in the indict- 
 ment, that I have freed Love and thereby wrecked 
 Happy Homes; that would make the charge against 
 me accessory before the act. 
 
 " The law of evidence is very clear that when a per- 
 son is charged with murder it devolves upon the pros- 
 ecution to produce the * corpus delictu.' Unless it be 
 shown that there had been such a person as the one 
 with whose destruction I am charged, I must be ac- 
 
MY FIRST CASE 235 
 
 quitted, however strong the chain of circumstantial 
 evidence connecting me with the crime. The prosecu- 
 tion of this case has failed to produce any evidence 
 that Happy Homes was seen recently. There is no 
 evidence whatever that I was ever acquainted with 
 Happy Homes. Happy Homes, as the court knows, 
 is a myth. For centuries Happy Homes has had no 
 existence, and I could not destroy what did not exist. 
 So if I were alarmed for my personal safety, though I 
 would not say anything in my defense, you could not do 
 otherwise than to acquit me for lack of evidence. 
 
 "My object, your honors, in standing now before 
 you is not to defend but to accuse. Transformation 
 has taken place. Instead of the accused criminal beg- 
 ging for mercy, I stand as an accuser demanding justice ! 
 
 " Here, now, I see the proper opportunity to charge 
 my accusers with the most heinous crime of conspiracy. 
 From the day of my birth until the present time there 
 was not a day that passed that they did not harass me 
 and make my life miserable. Fear and Prejudice, my 
 accusers, are dishonorable, and should be banished 
 from any community. I will show to this honorable 
 court the true character of two of the most dangerous 
 traitors that ever inflicted mankind. Always conspiring 
 against the community which honors them. Un- 
 grateful wretches! The more you respect them, the 
 more you nourish them, the more you fondle them, the 
 more miserable they will make you. They will devour 
 your very happiness. 
 
236 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 **If this honorable court please, let Fear stand up 
 so you can have a good look at him. Look how miser- 
 able and cowardly he acts ! See how he cringes ! 
 
 "Come out, Fear, from behind that child! Come 
 out, Fear, from behind that woman's apron there ! Let 
 the court see you! You are always hiding behind 
 children and women! Always afraid of what will 
 become of the poor defenseless orphans and widows. 
 What has Fear ever done for them ? It is Love, my 
 comrades, that cares, provides, and suffers for the 
 children and the women. It is Love that makes the 
 bread, it is Love that fashions the clothes, it is Love that 
 builds the houses for the use of the women and children. 
 And here. Prejudice, stand up and let the court see you. 
 You looked like a mountain when you were my accuser, 
 and like a tiger you were fierce when you made the 
 charges against me. But here as I assert myself — 
 
 " Here, your honorable court, I can't find Prejudice 
 anjrwhere. He has vanished though all the doors are 
 locked. I demand that an attachment be issued by this 
 honorable court, and let Prejudice be brought before 
 this honorable body, that the court may see. There 
 is really nothing to Prejudice; there was nothing in 
 him in the first place. It was only the noise they 
 have been making. I have no dealing with either 
 Fear or Prejudice. When you know what they are 
 you can go about your business unmolested by Fear 
 or Prejudice. 
 
 "The danger, my fellow-citizens, is when you do 
 
MY FIRST CASE 237 
 
 not know them. The danger is when you are not 
 acquainted with them. It is then that they destroy 
 the possibihties of Freedom living in your community. 
 Happy Homes could not have lived in the community 
 where either Fear or Prejudice existed. Fear and Pre- 
 judice have stolen the outer garments of Happy Homes 
 and make of them a flimsy disguise for Miserable 
 Homes and Wretchedness. 
 
 "And here in the audience, your honorable court, 
 I see Economics. Come, Economics, and testify in my 
 behalf before tliis honorable body. You have traveled 
 all over this land ; tell us if you have seen Happy Homes 
 anywhere. Tell the honorable court of Public Opinion, 
 please, what you have told me, that * fear of poverty has 
 driven away any possibility of Happy Homes anywhere.' 
 Tell the honorable court, too, dear Economics, whether 
 or not you have not found Miserable Homes masquerad- 
 ing in the garb of Happy Homes wherever you went. 
 And there is Miserable Homes; you all know him. 
 He will testify that he holds the life lease on all the 
 homes, even on the home of this honorable court. And 
 the lease which I have seen is signed by Fear and Pre- 
 judice. So I implore this honorable court, if you desire 
 to have happiness in this community, banish these ever- 
 devouring monsters and conspirators. Fear and Preju- 
 dice, along with their retinue, out of the land; then we 
 can all enjoy love in freedom, and we will hail with joy 
 the return of Happy Homes." 
 
 A hush fell upon the assemblage as RespectabiHty, 
 
238 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 the court crier, announced that the honorable court of 
 PubHc Opinion was ready to render a decision. 
 
 In tremulous voice, and without lifting his eyes from 
 the paper on which his verdict had been transcribed, 
 Public Opinion read as follows: 
 
 *' It is customary for those who are under the juris- 
 diction of this court to subscribe to appearances. 
 While we are aware that Miserable Homes is a guest at 
 the fireside of each of us, we are justified in acquiescing 
 in the assumption that Happy Homes dwells with our 
 neighbors. The law upholds many 'legal fictions' — 
 some of them having been cherished so long as to have 
 all the sanctions we accord to truth. We must, in so 
 far as we have the power, protect our established legal 
 fictions. Properly, therefore, society punishes with 
 ostracism all who strip bare such professions as we 
 regard valuable. However, as this court has juris- 
 diction only over those who are willing to be wretched 
 in order to hold certificates of respectability (on the 
 well-known principle that every just court derives its 
 powers from the consent of the judged), this court can 
 mete out justice only to those who consent to its domin- 
 ion, yet disregard its mandates. This defendant, pre- 
 ferring to be ruled by her own conscience rather than 
 to keep up appearances, seems to be outside the juris- 
 diction of this court. This tribunal is, and of right 
 ought to be, a terror to those under its control, but it 
 must recognize an inclination to accord some measure 
 
MY FIRST CASE 239 
 
 of admiration to such as have the courage to defy it. 
 The defendant stands acquitted." 
 
 (To a newspaper reporter the learned judge later 
 made the private admission that there was more of 
 policy than kindliness in his decision, inasmuch as 
 the class of insurgents which the defendant represented 
 might some day be the leaders of public opinion them- 
 selves.) 
 
 Rabbi Emil G. Hirsch, who had been an attentive 
 listener to the proceedings, added 6clat to the ovation 
 that was given me as I left the court-room by shouting, 
 " I propose three cheers for the woman who dared." 
 
BOILED CABBAGE 
 
BOILED CABBAGE 
 
 PERHAPS you understand such things better 
 than I. As for myself — really I admit myself 
 unable to fathom the why and the wherefore of 
 such simple natural phenomena as the transformation 
 that takes place in things when they experience chem- 
 ical and electrical interference. All I know is that they 
 change, and I am satisfied. Like all natural phe- 
 nomena, it exists, and I do not know how to figure out 
 the why. The change which takes place can be sensed, 
 it can be felt, smelled, or seen. Why is it that a head 
 of cabbage, fresh from stalk or stall, is so different an 
 entity after the simple process of boiling ? We are 
 aware of the difference through several senses, but 
 chiefly by assault and battery on our sense of smell. 
 Is the art of cooking some improved or retrograded 
 science of alchemy ? None but an alchemist of high 
 degree could assume the audacity to convert a raw 
 potato into fommes de terre au gratin. Any kitchen 
 scullion could tell both you and me a great deal about 
 salads and other such matters. Our chef accomplishes 
 miracles, but I venture to say that he has never yet 
 essayed to account for the marvel. The chemist can 
 tell us all about the ingredients and chemical properties 
 
 243 
 
244 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 of cabbage; but can he give me the reason for the 
 cabbage law ? Can he tell me why a potato gets soft 
 and an egg hard when boiled ? 
 
 An acorn falls; it takes root. Lo! an oak. The 
 contact of the acorn with earth, the sun's rays, the 
 gentle rain, the tempered wind, the dew, and that 
 indefinable essence of life — these combine to uprear 
 another oak-tree in the forest. I have heard no grum- 
 bling in the woods; the forest is content. The other 
 trees make neither comment, cavil, nor complaint. 
 Acorn was. Earth is. The young oak is. 
 
 And so, when a human entity is attracted here to 
 the sun, the rain, the wind, and the multifold unseen 
 and impalpable forces and influences that make for 
 growth, and which we call hfe, we realize a like phe- 
 nomenon. There was one. Now there be twain. 
 
 My befuddled brain puzzles wearily with the mys- 
 tery. Yet mystery on mystery. Why is it that society 
 persists in multiplying mystery ? For is it not a cer- 
 tainty, while the sapling in the forest meets a welcome, 
 the newcomer into society requires credentials ? Neither 
 the cook nor the alchemist from whom the cook is 
 descended can help us here. It's all well enough to 
 understand that cabbage becomes acceptable by being 
 boiled. The like process will not operate kindly in the 
 matter of babies. 
 
 No, clearly the alchemist nor his cousin, the 
 wizard, can help us in this dilemma. The magician 
 has but to say "Presto, change!" or some equally 
 
BOILED CABBAGE 245 
 
 potent phrase, and the thing's done in a jiffy. If he 
 omits the formula the change refuses to occur. While in 
 magic also the change is visible (if the operator be apt), 
 the distinction which society imposes is quite beyond 
 the discernment of the senses, even the most common. 
 
 "You are a bastard." This is said to me with a 
 fine scorn that is designed to convince me that in com- 
 parison with others there is a vital defect in me. I am 
 under standard. In commerce I should be classed as 
 "seconds." My worth to society is below par. My 
 own observation convinces me that the classification 
 of inferiority imposed upon me lacks validity. I am 
 well-knit. My carriage and demeanor unexceptionable ; 
 my muscles are well developed and supple. Stately, 
 well proportioned; clean-cut features. I am accounted 
 no mean antagonist, and can *' hold my own " in debate 
 on most topics. My mirror (one of the best makes) 
 reflects, without reflecting upon, my comeHness; and 
 lays some emphasis upon even white teeth, virile hair, 
 and a complexion not too tawny to hide the crimson 
 flood that flows freely through my veins. 
 
 "Seconds!" Nay, nay! Not so. Without the 
 whispered cue, even society would rank me as an "A 
 Number One" article. 
 
 I have heard a woman declare that she would give 
 some of her thousands for some of my hair. Another 
 craved my complexion. A third envied me a voice, 
 which, in her ecstatic admiration she averred to be most 
 melodious. 
 
246 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 There's nothing of the "slouch" m me. You 
 should see me at work. Ah ! I love my work, and be- 
 cause of the joy I have in it I easily excel those who 
 feel it a drudgery to perform one-half my stent. Yet 
 I am a bastard. *' Presto, change !" was not said over 
 the union of my parents ; and I am neither an accident 
 nor a child of convenience. My father did not seek my 
 mother to supply the need of a housekeeper, nor did 
 my mother crave a home. 
 
 My mother is the woman of my own choice. While 
 I was still in the very blood of my father I felt her 
 presence. I intoxicated him with a passion he could 
 not withstand. How I longed for her — my mother — 
 to receive me. In her blood was floating about that 
 which would complete me. How deftly I schemed and 
 contrived my father's introduction to her. And his 
 execution of my impulse was perfect. How I com- 
 pelled him to caress and fondle the sweet mother of my 
 choice! When he kissed her lips it was I that kissed 
 her. His arms about her were the arms that were to 
 become my arms. It was I who made his heart pal- 
 pitate with joy when she was near, or even in his 
 thoughts, and I brought her to his thoughts when she 
 was far away. I would not let him give place to any 
 other thought than thoughts of her — my mother. 
 
 People said that he was mad. Yes, with a divine 
 madness. And it was I who had made him so. 
 
 And how restless was that complement of me that 
 my mother's blood held in suspense when it compelled 
 
BOILED CABBAGE 247 
 
 her to realize that the comely youth who was to father 
 me held in his being the corresponding atom of me ! 
 
 The blushes that suffused her beauteous face were 
 responses all to my allurements. I went to her brain, 
 and she could think but of him. Her eyes had vision 
 for none but for him. Yes, I caused her pain, much 
 pain, but not more than was good for her. For her 
 pain brought compensating pleasure that put all pain 
 and thought of pain to rout. Waking and dreaming, 
 she knew me, and all that I would be to her, and she 
 knew naught else but me — and the youth who carried 
 me in his rushing tide of life. 
 
 Not for myself alone was I enlisted in the choice of 
 my parents, but more because of all the future genera- 
 tions that were pent up within my womb while I was 
 floating inchoate in the blood that coursed through the 
 hearts of my mother and my father. 
 
 And of that conjunction of the me in my father, 
 and of that in my mother that longed for me, I became 
 unified. Such love as interflowed betwixt them twain 
 was the soul struggling to be bom, to be properly bom 
 and beautifully expressed. My parents loved, and I 
 am the fruit of love. Their love was perfect, and my 
 birth was perfect, and I am perfect. I am the child 
 of Love, and I am Love. 
 
 Yet I am a bastard, for no hocus-pocus incantation 
 was chanted over the nuptials from which I issue. No 
 wizard, no priest, no magistrate, had lot or parcel in 
 my boming. Hence I am greater than Magic, greater 
 
248 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 than the Church, greater than State. I am the incar- 
 nation of harmony, the essence of happiness, the pro- 
 duct of nature. And you, unhappy children of chance, 
 unwelcome and dreaded in your coming, how I pity you ! 
 I look into your tired faces, racked bodies, clouded 
 brains, and loveless natures, and do not marvel to find 
 you true to your father's superstitions. No, I do not 
 despise you, nor will I deny you the benefit of my love. 
 I love you, for I am the child of Love. Such am I, the 
 bastard. 
 
"IT IS FINISHED 
 
'IT IS FINISHED" 
 
 I CONFIDED to a wise man my intention to write 
 a book, and requested that he suggest a title. He 
 advised me to call it "Thoughts of a Fool," and 
 he explained that his counsel was not based alone on 
 his estimate of my inferiority to the wise, but that I 
 was specifically foolish to expect fame, appreciation, 
 or money for my eflForts. 
 
 Later, when I submitted the manuscript for his 
 approval it was not approval I got, but a lecture so 
 animated in objurgation that its import is worth record- 
 ing. He commented with itemized disfavor upon each 
 chapter as he read it, and summed up his appraisal at 
 the end of the reading with the assurance that what I 
 had written was "rot." 
 
 "Tear it up!" he said. "It is *no good.' It is, as I 
 have said, the veriest balderdash, rubbish, rot. Your 
 stuff would raise questions in the minds of your readers 
 to which you afford no adequate answers. A book 
 should deal with the Ideal. To be worthy, it should 
 build up, while you tear down. It should educate, not 
 derogate from the sum of wisdom which the world has 
 been ages in accumulating. Besides, you are incon- 
 sistent throughout, for you do not believe in condemn- 
 
 251 
 
252 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 ing, yet from beginning to end you indulge in a succes- 
 sion of condemnations." 
 
 So now that I have succeeded in enhsting a pub- 
 lisher, it is but fair to you, my reader, that you be taken 
 into my confidence; and I want to leave no question in 
 your mind concerning myself. The thoughts and ideas 
 in this book must stand for themselves. I claim only 
 to be the messenger of these ideas. I am only the cornet 
 on which Life sounded the notes, and the melody 
 that has been evoked is true to the manipulation of the 
 Master Player. I was absolutely will-less in Life's 
 hands. And so, when I came upon the trail of Truth 
 I cared not whither it would lead. I indulged no pre- 
 conceived notions as to what I wanted it to be, or to be 
 like. Therefore I believe myself to be consistent be- 
 cause Life is consistent. 
 
 Words, words, words ! How can you express Life — 
 how can you express something that is greater than you ? 
 You have your place, but not the whole place. It is 
 you that make Life inconsistent when you represent 
 Life. You who hearken to false witnesses will give 
 false verdicts. Words themselves will tell you so, and 
 when they do they are in harmony with Life and are 
 Life. 
 
 I saw words that were aflame with Life. I saw words 
 that burned like living fire. I saw words that aroused 
 anger and resentment; and words that calmed the 
 storms of passion ; words that refreshed and invigorated 
 like the friendly rain after a parching drought. I saw 
 
"IT IS FINISHED" 253 
 
 complex words and I saw simple words, and there was 
 Life in them all. I saw cruel words that pierced like 
 daggers, and words fraught to the full with balm of 
 happiness. When words take their rightful place, and 
 are satisfied to be what they are — merely words — how 
 illimitable their sphere enlarges — how grand and potent 
 they become ! , 
 
 The words in this book are the words of Life. It re- 
 mains for you to decide what relationship exists be- 
 tween you and the words in this volume. Without 
 effort to be consistent it is consistent; and by tearing 
 down it builds up. Its education of you progresses as 
 it succeeds in tearing away the mask you wear. 
 
 Consistent! I am consistent when I do not con- 
 demn, for neither does Life condemn. Life gives itself 
 alike to the just and to the unjust. And I am consistent 
 when I condemn, for Life, too, condemns. 
 
 I am consistent in my condemnation of you when you 
 condemn yourself by concealing yourself behind a mask. 
 You condemn your acts, and for that reason you cover 
 them. I do not condemn you for what you do, but 
 for wearing the mask — the mark of your self-condemna- 
 tion. 
 
 You are inconsistent in your self-condemnation, nor 
 is there sincerity in it. For when you condemn a thing 
 you cover it over, in order to protect and conserve the 
 very thing you condemn. 
 
 What Life condemns it extirpates. It has served its 
 time and its occasion, and is condemned to be no more. 
 
254 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 Life executes its mandates, and from its judgment there 
 is no appeal. 
 
 I know that you are what you are because you were 
 what you were: and you will be what you will be be- 
 cause you are what you are. The action of Life through 
 me upon you is in the process. I condemn your con- 
 demnations, and by condemning them I destroy that 
 which I condemn, and leave you free from that which is 
 condemned, instead of shielding you and protecting that 
 which you condemn. 
 
 For, look you ! Life it is and Life alone that has the 
 power to condemn, for the thing that is dead is con- 
 demned to its grave, while you have fertilized with your 
 concealments the things you have condemned, and they 
 have flourished under your condemnation. 
 
 And as to Ideals. You cannot fall short of your high- 
 est ideals when you are purged and cleansed of that 
 within you which condemns. The residue — the real 
 You — is pure, holy, divine. What greater ideal could 
 you entertain ? 
 
 Nor need " human nature " be changed to accomplish 
 the transformation. Does not your nature help me 
 preserve the very thing which I wish to preserve ? You 
 condemn, but nature in you, which is my Master as well 
 as yours, preserves that which I need, and when I con- 
 demn your mask to be shattered to fragments you will 
 then come forth like the little chick when the time has 
 come for its emergence from its imprisoning shell. 
 When the hour strikes you will heed the clarion call oi 
 
"IT IS FINISHED" 255 
 
 Life to unmask — to leave the outworn shell and blighted 
 mask behind which you were to get the experiences 
 that fitted you to stand forth as one of whom it might 
 with truth be said : " It is Finished." 
 
 Brother! Sister! Life has condemned the divided 
 house in which you have been dwelling — condemned it 
 to its fall. Life has condemned in you the old, that the 
 new may become established. You will be transformed 
 into Man ! A New Man ! A man with a new sense — 
 a sense capable of conscious happiness — of a happiness 
 that the old could never know. A peace, indeed, that 
 passeth understanding. 
 
 Life is building a new world, and preparing new 
 beings to inherit the fullness thereof. New beings that 
 will sense the full fruition of the comradeship of Man. 
 Can you picture an ideal destiny transcending this — 
 that you are in the laboratory of preparation to become 
 a master-builder in this new-world building process ? 
 Yes, Life is making you over in its seething crucible, 
 that you may realize the Joy of Life — such joy as you 
 have never known. 
 
 The old world — the shell in which you are being 
 formed — is pleasureless to you. You conceive of pleas- 
 ure only by the intellectual deduction that pleasure en- 
 sues when pain ceases. Pleasure and pain are com- 
 rades ; one follows the other as light succeeds darkness. 
 So, too, does happiness follow misery. 
 
 It will come, brother, whether you want it so or not. 
 You cannot stop progress any more than you can stop 
 
25Q THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 the sun from shining. To stand in the way of progress 
 is suicide — Hke standing in the way of an express train 
 at full tilt; you are ground beneath the wheels, while 
 the train rushes on, heedless of the trifle that has sought 
 to stay its flight. 
 
 Life has you in its laboratory. It is making a new 
 man of you. And you will build the new world. A 
 world in which joy will be in everything well done. 
 Work will be a pleasure. A new civilization approaches. 
 It will bring with it new concepts — new concepts of 
 work. Man has passed through the theological civiliza- 
 tion to the capitalistic, and our concept of work has 
 changed in the process. In the theological civilization 
 all human activity, mental and industrial, sprang from 
 the church. All that was achieved was done in the 
 name of the church — God and the church. 
 
 Painter and sculptor spent their lives in embellishing 
 a cathedral. Labor was deemed a curse of God on 
 man. You must labor because you have sinned, was 
 the call of the church to diligence. All the "better" 
 industries were fostered by the church, and the laborer 
 was a galley slave. The redemption of Adam was to 
 be a surcease from exertion. Labor was esteemed a 
 punishment for sin, and Salvation was a promise of end- 
 less idleness. 
 
 Man went to war for the church, for then the church 
 was supreme. Now capital is supreme in the minds of 
 men, and with the newer sovereignty comes a remodeled 
 philosophy. Work is no longer viewed as a curse. We 
 
"IT IS FINISHED" 257 
 
 work because of our present needs rather than because 
 of a desire to expiate the sin of Adam. Nor do we now 
 kill people for God's sake or for the greater glory of the 
 church. We do our killing in the name of Commerce, 
 for the establishment of broader markets. Expansion 
 is our war-cry. When a railway magnate declares that 
 God in his wisdom had given him and his associates 
 control over the coal deposits of Pennsylvania, the good 
 people laughed at him. Not because they disputed the 
 ownership of the select. No, they concede thus much. 
 They smiled at Mr. Baer's anachronism. He was 
 some centuries behind the times, invoking a dethroned 
 sovereign instead of the recognized reigning monarch. 
 Five centuries ago all ownership was justified as from 
 the grace of God, and no one had then the temerity to 
 laugh the pretension to scorn. 
 
 In the new civilization — in the new world that is to 
 be built by man for Man, rather than for God and 
 Capital — work will assume a newer and saner phase. 
 We will work because of the pleasure we shall derive 
 from serving. We will serve well because we will love 
 well. And he will be greatest among us who serves 
 most, until in the common love and service all distinc- 
 tions of greatness will be dissolved in the effulgence of 
 boundless, bondless Love. 
 
 Can you conceive of this ? Can you see the new 
 world coming ? 
 
 Yes, it is coming, and it will be built by you. 
 
 Yes, you are condemned to the cross of the great prep- 
 
258 THOUGHTS OF A FOOL 
 
 aration, that in your resurrection you may build a new 
 world, here and Now. 
 
 So, you see, that mask of yours served its purpose. 
 You were at a masquerade, and it was fitting you should 
 wear your mask. But midnight approaches. Only a 
 few minutes more, and life will remove all masks. Then 
 you shall stand revealed to me as you are, and you shall 
 see me as I Am. And we will recognize each other as 
 comrades, and laugh together at the way we fooled 
 each other with our sham. 
 
 Hark ! Do you hear the gong ? 
 
 Lo ! the hour is at hand. 
 
 Take off your masks. 
 
PRINTED BY R. R. DONNELLEY 
 AND SONS COMPANY, AT THE 
 LAKESIDE PRESS, CHICAGO, ILL. 
 
FEB 3 19C5