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IDLE MOMENTS 
 
 IN FLORIDA 
 GEORGE V. HOBART 
 
IDLE MOMENTS 
 
 IN FLORIDA 
 
 BY 
 
 GEORGE V. HOBART 
 
 NEW ^^ffir^ YORK 
 GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 
 

 COPYRIGHT, 1921* 
 BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 
 
 
 APR ~2 i92l 
 
 PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 
 
 0)CLA608962 
 
TO 
 
 MY FRIENDS, THE ROTARIANS, 
 
 IN ST. AUGUSTINE 
 
Thanks are extended to the Sf. Augus- 
 tine Record for permission to reprint 
 some of the articles contained herein. 
 
 G. V. H. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 On the Way 13 
 
 With Uncle Gilbert 23 
 
 St. Augustine 31 
 
 Music Hath Charms 44 
 
 Palm Beach 55 
 
 Snap Shots 65 
 
 Miami 73 
 
 Mr. Eidel Weiss 82 
 
 Come Ye Back! 88 
 
 The Book of Ro Tary 92 
 
IDLE MOMENTS 
 IN FLORIDA 
 
IDLE MOMENTS 
 
 IN FLORIDA 
 
 ON THE WAY 
 
 Say I 
 
 Did you ever bid a gay 
 And fond farewell 
 To a Northern Cold Spell, 
 Grab your hat, 
 Leave the Bliz flat 
 And breeze off to Florida 
 Where it's torrid? Ah! 
 That's a pleasurable jaunt I 
 And all you want 
 To make it complete 
 Is a neat 
 Package of Kale 
 So you can be a hale 
 Fellow well met 
 When you get 
 Up against the Hotel Bill, 
 Which will 
 Peek 
 
 Around corners at you and seek 
 You out; it doesn't matter where 
 13 
 
14 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 You may hide, it will stare 
 
 At you and haunt 
 
 You unless you flaunt 
 
 Good Coin in its presence and chase 
 
 It away by throwing in its face 
 
 A handful of Iron Men, 
 
 Then 
 
 It will get up and leave 
 
 The room and you can heave 
 
 A deep sigh. 
 
 Or the water pitcher, and try 
 
 To forget the horrors it brings 
 
 When it rings 
 
 Your bell— 
 
 For, truth to tell. 
 
 There's only one manner in which to Kill 
 
 A Hotel Bill, 
 
 And that is to pour Kale 
 
 On its tail 
 
 Until it screams for mercy. 
 
 What a curse he 
 
 Put upon mankind, the gink who 
 
 Drew 
 
 The plans and 
 
 Specifications for the first grand 
 
 Fashionable Hotel Bill, 
 
 And taught travelers to spill 
 
 Their coin in a Landlord's till! 
 
 Well, be that as it may! 
 
 I started out to say 
 
 That it's a gay 
 
 Jaunt down Florida way I 
 
ONTHEWAY 15 
 
 In the first place 
 
 The train service is a case 
 
 Of wait 
 
 For eight 
 
 Weeks or more 
 
 Before 
 
 You can get the sales gent 
 
 In the Ticket Office to consent 
 
 To part 
 
 With a smart 
 
 Little Lower ; 
 
 And he's much slower 
 
 If you have a great 
 
 Deal of money and want a state 
 
 Room, because of the loud 
 
 Murmuring crowd, 
 
 Clamoring in front of the wicket 
 
 Which separates the ticket 
 
 Sellers 
 
 From the yellers 
 
 Who are wildly offering gold 
 
 And precious stones and every old 
 
 Thing 
 
 For a chance to fling 
 
 The grip-sack 
 
 In the rack. 
 
 And hear the Conductor shout, ''AH 
 
 A'board!"— it's the Call 
 
 Of the Sunny 
 
 South ! — and if you have the money 
 
 It's some joyous way 
 
 To burn it — say! 
 
16 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 Did you ever glide 
 
 Through the Carolinas and slide 
 
 Past the Georgia cotton-fields in 
 
 A Train de Luxe? It's a sin 
 
 If you haven't ridden 
 
 In a Happy Wagon with your feet hidden 
 
 In a plush 
 
 Carpet; where you blush 
 
 With pride 
 
 As you slide 
 
 Into a barber's chair 
 
 And have your hair 
 
 Trimmed all the way 
 
 From Washington, D. C, to, let us say, 
 
 Raleigh, N. C. 
 
 Gee! 
 
 What a trimming you can get 
 
 On one of those pet 
 
 De Luxe trains 
 
 Where it simply rains 
 
 Luxury, and all that! 
 
 And what a fat 
 
 Chance your face has when 
 
 Now and then 
 
 The cars swerve 
 
 Around a curve 
 
 And the barber slips 
 
 And chips 
 
 A slice 
 
 Off the north-eastern end of your nice 
 
 Home-made chin; 
 
 But you must grin 
 
ONTHEWAY 17 
 
 And bear 
 
 It, remembering that the fare 
 
 Is only ten dollars 
 
 A minute more, and he who hollers 
 
 Is a piker, anyway ! 
 
 Say I 
 
 If by one of Fortune's flukes 
 
 You get rich, grab a De Luxe I 
 
 You'll love it! 
 
 To the roof above it 
 
 In each car 
 
 Are 
 
 Elevators — oh, yes! 
 
 There must be, else why do they assess 
 
 Each passenger a Liberty bond 
 
 For the fond 
 
 Privilege of riding therein? 
 
 And you can take a spin 
 
 In your roadster on the fast track 
 
 Just back 
 
 Of and behind 
 
 The engine before it joins the blind 
 
 Baggage car; 
 
 And there are 
 
 Also delightful promenades where one 
 
 Or two may run 
 
 Or stroll 
 
 And tell droll 
 
 Stories as the train speeds 
 
 Into the night, and if one needs 
 
 A bath, there 
 
 Must be a swimming pool somewhere 
 
18 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 On the De Luxe, and for exercise 
 
 A delightful bowling alley, otherwise 
 
 Why all those loud cries 
 
 For extra fares? 
 
 At any rate, there's 
 
 A gold-plaited observation car 
 
 Where the trained porters are 
 
 Crowded coyly in the dust room, 
 
 Forever pointing a whisk-broom 
 
 In your direction and singing 
 
 In ringing 
 
 Accents, ''Doan slip me nickels, 
 
 Doan slip me dimes; 
 
 Dese yer days is 
 
 Mighty ha'd times! 
 
 I brush yo' clothes. 
 
 Slip me a dollah ! — 
 
 Make it six bits 
 
 And I ain't gwiner hollah! — 
 
 Hallelujah — hallelujah — amen !'* 
 
 But then 
 
 When 
 
 One travels de luxe one must do 
 
 As the other de luxers and strew 
 
 Backsheesh from Broadway 
 
 To Bimini Bay, 
 
 Fla. 
 
 If not. 
 
 You've got 
 
 To join the Crab Contingent and be 
 
 As close as the bark on a tree — 
 
 But the 
 
ONTHEWAY 19 
 
 Bark on a tree doesn't travel, so 
 
 It can set no 
 
 Good example to mankind; 
 
 And you'll find 
 
 Nowadays 
 
 That it pays 
 
 To place alms 
 
 In outstretched palms, 
 
 Otherwise you'll miss boats, trains, ferries, 
 
 Early strawberries, 
 
 Good seats in the bald-headed row 
 
 For a girl show, 
 
 And you'll grow 
 
 To hate yourself 
 
 If you cold-storage your pelf; 
 
 And no bell-hop 
 
 Will ever stop 
 
 And hint 
 
 That he has a blue print 
 
 Of just how to get you a gill of grog; 
 
 And you'll jog 
 
 Through life with a bitter taste 
 
 In your mouth if you don't waste 
 
 An occasional dime 
 
 And chime 
 
 In with 
 
 A reluctant quarter when Smith, 
 
 The waiter, bespeaks 
 
 You a hopeful ''Good Evening!" and seeks 
 
 To know if he 
 
 Shall put a few ice in your iced-tea, 
 
 Or more chicory 
 
^0 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 In your yellow coffee ; 
 For If, in parsimony's name, you lay off, he 
 Will probably 
 Put the ice 
 In his nice 
 
 Clean, white (maybe) vest pocket and stray 
 Away 
 
 Out of your life forever. 
 But never 
 
 Be it said that I wade knee- 
 Deep in philosophy 
 All day when we 
 Are on a trip to Florida — so 
 Let's go I 
 From the mo 
 You arrive In the Land 
 Of Sunshine and Flowers and stand 
 In the grand 
 Little depot in Jax. 
 The climate backs 
 
 Into your presence with a hearty "How d'ye 1" 
 No rowdy 
 
 Breeze from the North is there; 
 The air 
 
 Is full of soft, cooing zephyrs that stare 
 In well-bred surprise 
 At the size 
 Of your overcoat, 
 And then float 
 Around and sneer a little at 
 That 
 Red, gray, green and blue 
 
ONTHEWAY 21 
 
 Muffler you 
 
 Have wrapped around your epiglottis — 
 
 They're hep how hot is 
 
 The burden you're carrying, 
 
 And they're tarrying 
 
 To see you open the muffler and try 
 
 To get into High 
 
 Without the Polar Bear Benny 
 
 Or any 
 
 Of those 
 
 Northern warmth-coazer clothes 
 
 During your brief stay 
 
 In Jax. Sayl 
 
 Jax is the way 
 
 You mention Jacksonville when 
 
 You're short of breath, d'ye ken? 
 
 And so 
 
 Let's go I 
 
 Off through jungle lands afar 
 
 In our de-luxified car; 
 
 With a blue sky 
 
 On high 
 
 Smiling o'er a Land of Romance 
 
 Where sunbeams dance 
 
 On distant waters ; where 
 
 The air 
 
 Is like rare 
 
 Old wine; 
 
 Where the snuggling vine 
 
 Entwines 
 
 The Pines; 
 
 Where gray 
 
22 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 And hoary mosses in wild disarray- 
 Have hung 
 Among 
 
 The oaks since Time was young. 
 Where the throbbing throats 
 Of wild birds sing sweet notes 
 Of welcome, and where 
 Care 
 May be 
 
 Buried so easily 
 In yielding sand 
 In the Land 
 Of Happy Hours — 
 Of Sunshine and of Flowers. 
 
WITH UNCLE GILBERT 
 
 When Uncle Gilbert Hawley learned that we con- 
 templated spending several weeks in Florida he 
 invited us to come straightway to his mansion in St. 
 John's county, and from there he'd take us on a 
 motor trip through the State. 
 
 Of course, we knew what a wildly hilarious time 
 we'd have splashing out small talk to the collection 
 of Northern human bric-a-brac always to be found 
 at Uncle Gilbert's, but then we wouldn't be there 
 long — we'd be off and away in the motor, and, 
 besi'des, what is one going to do when the richest 
 old gink in the family waves a beckoning arm? 
 
 I'll tell you what one is going to do — one is going 
 to take to one's o'sullivans, beat it rapidly to a choo- 
 choo, and float into Uncle Gilbert's presence with 
 business of being tickled to death — that's what one 
 is going to do. 
 
 You know Nature has a few immutable laws, and 
 one is that even a rich old uncle must in the full 
 course of time pass on and leave nephews and nieces. 
 Leave them what? Ah! that's it! Pass the time- 
 table, please ! 
 
 Hawleysville is out in the Florida potato country, 
 about ten miles from Hastings, and it's some burg — 
 
 23 
 
24 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 nearly eleven houses, eleven barns, eleven cows, 
 eleven dogs and one street. 
 
 Uncle Gilbert wrote It all himself. 
 
 He owns a lot of things In Florida. He has 
 orange groves, potato groves, alligator groves, 
 grapefruit groves, rattlesnake groves and, If there 
 are any other kinds of groves, he has those, too. 
 
 Uncle Gilbert has nearly all the money there is 
 in the world. Every time he signs a check a national 
 bank goes out of existence. He tried to count it all 
 once, but he sprained his wrists and had to stop. 
 
 On the level, when he goes Into a bank all the 
 government bonds get up and yell, *'Hello, Papa I** 
 
 When he cuts coupons It's like a sheep shearing. 
 
 He has muscles all over him like a prize fighter 
 just from lifting mortgages. 
 
 When we finally reached the Hawley mansion 
 after an exciting trip over the Dixie Highway we 
 found there a scene of great excitement. Old and 
 distant relations were bustling up and down the 
 stone steps, talking in whispers; servants with scared 
 faces and popping eyes were peeping around the cor- 
 ner of the house, and in the roadway in front of a 
 sobbing automobile stood Uncle Gilbert and Aunt 
 Miranda, made up to look like two members of the 
 Peary expedition at the Pole. 
 
 After the formal greetings we were soon put hep 
 to the facts in the case. 
 
 "We're getting ready to take you all through 
 Florida !" murmured Aunt Miranda, after casting 
 an anxious glance In the direction of the busy Uncle 
 Gilbert, who was testing out the alarm-shrleker on 
 
WITH UNCLE GILBERT 25 
 
 a car that made its debut as a dashing soubrette back 
 in — well, at a guess, let us say 1909. 
 
 "Good for you, Aunt Miranda," I replied; "it 
 surely is kind of you and Uncle Gilbert to map out a 
 trip like that for us. Shall we go all the way to 
 Miami in the College Yell?" 
 
 "The College Yell?" she echoed. 
 
 "Yes, the Rah-Rah-Rah wagon," I explained. 
 
 "Oh!" she sighed; "well, I hope so, if your Uncle 
 Gilbert masters it." 
 
 "Why — why — ^you mean — doesn't he know the 
 combination?" I stuttered, slightly nonplussed for 
 the nonce, in a manner of speaking. 
 
 "You see," explained Aunt Miranda, while a pair 
 of green goggles danced an accompaniment on her 
 nose, "your Uncle Gilbert loaned the money to a 
 man to open a garage in Hawleysville. But auto- 
 mobilists never got any blowouts or punctures going 
 through here because there isn't a drop of liquor hid- 
 den in a cellar in the town, so the garage failed 
 and the man left town in an awful hurry, and all 
 your Uncle Gilbert got for the money he loaned was 
 this car. We've been four years making up our 
 minds to buy one, and now we have one whether we 
 want it or not." 
 
 "Fine!" I said; "going out for a spin. Uncle Gil- 
 bert?" 
 
 "Possibly," he answered, never taking his eyes off 
 the man-killer in front of him, which stood there 
 trembling with anger. 
 
 "What car is it?" I inquired politely. 
 
 "It's a Seismic," Uncle Gilbert said. 
 
26 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 "Oh, yes, of course; made by the Earthquake 
 Brothers in Powdervllle — good car for the hills, es- 
 pecially coming down,'* I volunteered. "Know how 
 to run It?" 
 
 "I guess so; I was always a good hand at machin- 
 ery," Uncle Gilbert answered. 
 
 "Don't you think you should have a chauffeur?" 
 I suggested. 
 
 "Chauffeur! Why?" Uncle Gilbert snapped back; 
 "what do I want with one of those fellows sitting 
 around, eating me out of house and home?" 
 
 Now you know why he has so much money. 
 
 "We'll be back in a little while," Aunt Miranda 
 explained; "just make yourselves at home, children." 
 
 Uncle Gilbert continued to eye the car for another 
 minute, then he turned to me and said, "Want to 
 try it?" 
 
 "Nix, Uncle Gilbert," I protested; "what would 
 the townspeople say? You with a new motor car, 
 afraid to run it yourself, had to send to New York 
 for your nephew — nix! Where's your family 
 pride?" 
 
 "My family pride is all right," answered Uncle 
 Gilbert; "but there's a lot of contraptions in that 
 machine I don't seem to recognize." 
 
 "Oh, that's all right; you're a handy little guy 
 with machinery," I reminded him. "Hop in now and 
 break forth. Don't let the public think that you're 
 afraid to blow a Bubble through the streets of your 
 native town. The rubber sweater buttoned to the 
 chin and the Dutch awning over the forehead for 
 yours, and on your way!" 
 
WITH UNCLE GILBERT 27 
 
 Finally and reluctantly Uncle Gilbert and Aunt 
 Miranda climbed into the kerosene wagon, and I 
 gave him his final instructions. 
 
 "Now, Uncle Gilbert," I said, "grab that wheel 
 in front of you firmly with both hands and put one 
 foot on the accelerator. Now put the other foot on 
 the rheostat and let the left elbow gently rest on the 
 deodorizer. Keep the rubber tube connecting with 
 the automatic fog whistle closely between the teeth 
 and let the right elbow be in touch with the quad- 
 ruplex while the apex of the left knee is pressed over 
 the spark coil and the right ankle works the con- 
 denser." 
 
 Uncle Gilbert grunted. "Why don't you put my 
 left shoulder blade to work," he muttered; "it's the 
 only part of my anatomy that hasn't got a job." 
 
 "Nephew," whispered the nervous Aunt Miranda, 
 "do you really think your Uncle Gilbert knows 
 enough about the car?" 
 
 "Sure," I answered, and I was very serious about 
 it. "Now, Uncle Gilbert, keep both eyes on the 
 road in front of you and the rest of your face in the 
 wagon. Start the driving wheels, repeat slowly the 
 name of your favorite coroner, and leave the rest to 
 Fate!" 
 
 And away they started in the Whiz Wagon. 
 
 Before they had rolled along for six houses 
 through town, the machine suddenly began to 
 breathe fast, and then, all of a sudden, it choked up 
 and stopped. 
 
 "Will it explode?" whispered Aunt Miranda, 
 pleadingly. 
 
28 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 "No/* said Uncle Gilbert, jumping out; "I think 
 the cosmopolitan has buckled with the trapezoid," 
 and then, with a monkey wrench, he crawkd under 
 the hood to see if the trouble was stubbornness or 
 appendicitis. 
 
 Uncle Gilbert took a dislike to a brass valve and 
 began to knock it with the monkey wrench, where- 
 upon the valve got mad at him and upset a pint of 
 ancient salad oil all over his features. 
 
 When Uncle Gilbert recovered consciousness the 
 machine was breathing again, so he jumped to the 
 helm, pointed the bow at Tampa, and began to cut 
 the grass. 
 
 Alas I however, it see«med that the demon of 
 unrest possessed that Coal-oil Coupe, for it soon 
 began to jump and skip, and suddenly, with a snort, 
 it took the river road and scooted away from town. 
 
 Uncle Gilbert patted It on the back and spoke 
 soothingly, but It was no use. 
 
 Aunt Miranda pleaded with him to keep In near 
 the shore, because she was getting seasick; but her 
 tears were in vain. 
 
 "You must appear calm and indifferent In the 
 presence of danger," muttered Uncle Gilbert as they 
 rushed madly into the bosom of a flock of scrub 
 range cows. 
 
 But luck was with them, for with a turn of the 
 wrist Uncle Gilbert jumped the machine across the 
 road, and all he could feel was the sharp swish of 
 an old cow^s tail across his cheek as tliey rushed on 
 and out of that anlmaFs life forever. 
 
 Aunt Miranda tried to be brave and to chat pleas- 
 
WITH UNCLE GILBERT 29 
 
 antly. "How are the grapefruit bugs these days?" 
 she asked, and just then the machine struck a stone 
 and she went up in the air. 
 
 "Active/' answered Uncle Gilbert when she got 
 back, and then there was an embarrassing silence. 
 
 To try to hold a polite conversation on a fright- 
 ened motor car in full flight is very much like trying 
 to repeat the Declaration of Independence while fall- 
 ing from a seventh-story window. 
 
 Then, all of a sudden, the ma'chlne struck a chord 
 in G and started for Key West at the rate of 7,000,- 
 000 miles a minute. 
 
 Aunt Miranda threw her arms around Uncle Gil- 
 bert's neck, he threw his neck around the lever, the 
 I'ever threw him- over, and they both threw a fit. 
 
 Down the road ahead- of them a man and his wife 
 were quarreling. They were so much in earnest 
 tha't they did not hear the machine sneaking swiftly 
 up on rubber shoes. 
 
 As the Benzine Buggy was about to fall upon the 
 quarreling man and wife Uncle Gilbert squeezed a 
 couple of hoarse "Toot toots" from the horn, where- 
 upon the woman in the road threw up both hands and 
 leaped for the man. The man threw up both feet 
 and leaped for the fence. 
 
 The last Aunt Miranda saw of them they were 
 entering their modest home neck and neck, and the 
 divorce court lost a bet. 
 
 Then the machine began to climb a telegraph pole, 
 and as it ran down the other side Aunt Miranda 
 wanted to know for the tenth time if it would 
 explode. 
 
30 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 *'How did Nephew tell you to handle it?" she 
 shrieked, as the Rowdy Cart bit its way through a 
 stone fence and began to dance a two-step over a 
 strange man's lawn. 
 
 "The only way to handle this infernal machine is 
 to soak it in water/' yelled Uncle Gilbert as they 
 hit the main road again. 
 
 *'I don't see what family pride has to do with it; 
 there isn't a soul looking," moaned Aunt Miranda. 
 
 "Oh, if I could only be arrested for fast riding 
 and get this thing stopped," wailed Uncle Gilbert 
 as they headed for the river. 
 
 "Let me out, let me out," pleaded Aunt Miranda, 
 and the machine seemed to hear her, for it certainly 
 obliged the lady. 
 
 I found out afterwards that in order to make 
 good with Aunt Miranda the machine jumped up In 
 the air and turned a double handspring, during the 
 course of which friend Uncle and his wife fell out 
 and landed In the most generously Inclined mud pud- 
 dle in that part of the state of Florida. 
 
 Then the Buzz Buggy turned around and barked 
 at them and with an excited wag of its tail left them 
 flat and scooted for home. 
 
 It must have come home by taking a short cut 
 through a potato farm, because there was nothing 
 but Murphys a la Julienne clinging to the wheels, 
 the tonneau was full of potatoes a la shoe string, and 
 about seven ounces of Saratoga chips nestled and 
 clung to the carbureter for warmth. 
 
 Now you know why we didn't see Florida from 
 the afterdeck of Uncle Gilbert's automobile. 
 
ST. AUGUSTINE 
 
 St. Augustine I 
 Queen 
 
 Of Matanzas Bay! 
 The books of history say 
 Discovered on a day 
 In 1513 
 
 All in her green 
 And lovely glory! 
 There is a story 
 Or Indian legend which relates 
 That if the Stranger within her City Gates, 
 Standing on her land, 
 Shall get the sand 
 Of St. Augustine within his shoes 
 HeUl never lose 
 His desire to return to 
 That Ancient Town — and it's true I 
 St. Augustine the Quaint! 
 With its Street of George the Saint, 
 Where queerly contrived 
 Balconies which have survived 
 The Hammerings of the Years overhang 
 That same roadway where the gay gang 
 Of Spanish soldiers of Menendez' day 
 Strolled at their ease, 
 Or sat beneath the trees 
 31 
 
S2 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 In the twilight of other days. 
 
 The Oldest House, too, plays 
 
 Its part in the sublime 
 
 Drama entitled, "The Passing of Time"; 
 
 For there one may learn 
 
 How the monks were taught to spurn 
 
 That which is called Life by 
 
 Keeping ever nigh 
 
 The symbol of Death — o'er their heads 
 
 A coffin in the ceiling — from their beds 
 
 To look at and ponder on — 
 
 A pleasant thought on a smiling dawn, 
 
 Is it not? Answer; it is not! 
 
 Great Scott I 
 
 How it does make 
 
 You think when you take 
 
 A walk around 
 
 The Oldest House to be found 
 
 In the oldest town 
 
 Set down 
 
 On the map of the U. S. A., 
 
 Gay 
 
 Old St. Augustine with its hoary 
 
 Story 
 
 Going back 
 
 To old Jack 
 
 Ponce 
 
 Who did ensconce 
 
 Himself on a rock hard by 
 
 A babbling stream and drink dry 
 
 Said stream 
 
 Which in his dream 
 
ST. AUGUSTINE 
 
 He called 
 
 The Fountain of Youth, but he got all balled 
 
 Up, because 
 
 According to the laws 
 
 Of Nature there was nothing near 
 
 But clear 
 
 Sulphur water — dark brown 
 
 Sullen sulphur water all over town I 
 
 And Ponce de Leon I 
 
 Was he on? 
 
 Sure! 
 
 It might cure 
 
 Lumbago, 
 
 And in a way go 
 
 Far to aid digestion! 
 
 But as to the question 
 
 Of Eternal Youth!— 
 
 Good sooth! 
 
 In order to be 
 
 As young as Wm. Jennings Bryan, he 
 
 Would have to drink, say. 
 
 Eight quarts of sulphur water a day 
 
 For weeks and months, and then 
 
 Before he got young again 
 
 Suppose the sulphur grains 
 
 All went t6 his brains? 
 
 Horrors ! he'd be a match! 
 
 And he'd catch 
 
 Fire if he but scratch 
 
 His head! 
 
 Enough said. 
 
 Ponce put away 
 
34 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 His papier-mache 
 
 Cup, 
 
 Saying, "I don't want to be all lit up!*' 
 
 Then he hurled anathemas and 
 
 White sand. 
 
 Together with coquina shell, 
 
 At the well. 
 
 Saying, "I'll tell 
 
 The world!" 
 
 (As he hurled) 
 
 "That I'm no spring chicken, 
 
 Even if I did thicken 
 
 My system with liquid ore 
 
 And stucco my stomach with more 
 
 Sulphur than any drug store 
 
 Contains in Old Madrid!" 
 
 Then Ponce did 
 
 A fandango and, shaking his castanets. 
 
 Gets 
 
 Himself hence and skeedaddles 
 
 To his canoe and paddles 
 
 Back to Spain 
 
 Again, 
 
 Where he dies, 
 
 And as he passes on he sighs, 
 
 "Unfountain of Youthless, I go!" 
 
 And so 
 
 Ponce became a memory. 
 
 But he 
 
 Left a precious heritage here, 
 
 For near 
 
 At hand 
 
ST. AUGUSTINE 
 
 In a few acres of land 
 
 Is a well 
 
 Full of water, and the smell 
 
 Of sulphur 'round about — 
 
 Where the sign-boards shout, 
 
 ^'Fountain of Youth — 15 13," 
 
 With waving palms of green, 
 
 And protecting it a fence; 
 
 And for twenty-five cents 
 
 (And war tax, if you don't mind!) 
 
 You can find 
 
 Juan Ponce de Leon's well, 
 
 And they will tell 
 
 You it is his very same 
 
 Oaken-bucketless and tame 
 
 Little Fountain of Youth I 
 
 But, in sooth, 
 
 It cannot be 
 
 For he 
 
 Is DEAD, 
 
 And when all is done and said 
 
 The fact must remain 
 
 That a Fountain of Youth must contain 
 
 Eternal Youth, otherwise 
 
 It is fair to surmise 
 
 Somebody is talking through his hat; 
 
 And, besides, if that 
 
 Were really a Fountain of Youth — say! 
 
 To-day, 
 
 Last week and next year, 
 
 In weather clear 
 
 Or dark. 
 
36 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 Out there in that Park 
 
 You'd find 
 
 Dear old Jack Ponce behind 
 
 The fence 
 
 Raking in each twenty-five cents 
 
 (And war tax, if you don't mind!) 
 
 With a kind 
 
 Spanish smile 
 
 On his young face all the while — 
 
 Wouldn't you? I ask you! 
 
 I won't task you, 
 
 But don't you think 
 
 If Ponce took a deep drink 
 
 From the Fountain of Eternal Youth he 
 
 Would still be 
 
 In evidence around his discovery, 
 
 And would he let the bar 
 
 Privilege and the cash register get far 
 
 From his sight? — would he? 
 
 Jamais de la vie I 
 
 Which is the French name 
 
 For what the same 
 
 Thing means In Spanish — Gee I 
 
 And incidentally, wheel 
 
 I suppose 
 
 Those 
 
 Hack-drivers will hate me 
 
 And berate me 
 
 For monkeying with tradition — they, 
 
 To-day, 
 
 Are the only 
 
 Lonely 
 
ST. AUGUSTINE 37 
 
 Survivors of the buccaneers 
 
 And privateers 
 
 And pirates bold 
 
 Of the old 
 
 Regime. 
 
 Each with his team, 
 
 A smiling Captain Kidd, 
 
 With a howitzer hid 
 
 In the surrey, 
 
 Ready to hurry 
 
 You around the city 
 
 With witty 
 
 Comments, at the rate 
 
 Of the old horse's gait 
 
 Which is geared to go 
 
 Five miles or so 
 
 In a week — although 
 
 There 
 
 Is a proverb somewhere 
 
 Which says, "Money makes the mare 
 
 Go," it is refuted. 
 
 Disputed, 
 
 And put to shame 
 
 By these same 
 
 Hack-drivers, who join 
 
 Earnest hands to get your coin 
 
 And, getting it, the mare 
 
 Doesn't go anywhere 
 
 Much! 
 
 And the touch 
 
 Of the whip to her 
 
 Is, per- 
 
38 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 Adventure, even as a mild 
 
 Lullaby to a sleepy child. 
 
 One of these 
 
 Rovers of the Spanish Seas 
 
 Beckoned to me with his whip 
 
 And inquired if I'd like to slip 
 
 Off my care and worry 
 
 And see the city in his surrey. 
 
 I asked him how much 
 
 He would touch 
 
 Me for to see 
 
 The nearest orange groves, and he 
 
 Said, "Say, three 
 
 Dollars, Boss!" 
 
 I said, "Three dollars, boss!" at a loss 
 
 To know how else to meet 
 
 Such a situation except repeat, 
 
 "Three dollars. Boss!" over and over, 
 
 But the deadly Rover 
 
 Stood there and only 
 
 Grinned a lonely 
 
 Pirate's grin ; 
 
 So I got in 
 
 The galleon, and we set sail 
 
 Out into the pale 
 
 Unknown, far from the safe retreat 
 
 Of friendly King Street, 
 
 And I said to the grandson 
 
 Of one 
 
 Of the Bo'suns of Sir Francis Drake, 
 
 "How long will it take 
 
 Before we have hove 
 
ST. AUGUSTINE 39 
 
 In sight of the Grove?" 
 
 And then, shaking his ear-rings, the old 
 
 Bold 
 
 Buccaneer 
 
 Answered clear: 
 
 "Mebbe a Til while, mebbe longer, 
 
 Tends on the oV boss goin' stronger!'' 
 
 And then I found myself saying, 
 
 Meanwhile displaying 
 
 One of my ill-at-ease smiles, 
 
 "How many nautical miles?" 
 
 "Ain't none of 'em va'iy nautical, Boss I 
 
 I dess chawges for de loss 
 
 Of time consumed!" 
 
 Then he resumed, 
 
 "Mebbe it's 'leven mile — mebbe fo', 
 
 I ain't dess sho' !" 
 
 And so the voyage was re-begun, 
 
 And we drifted into the setting sun, 
 
 Passing a derelict farm 
 
 Or two, until the pirate's arm 
 
 Went up in the air. 
 
 And then and there 
 
 I thought he'd yank 
 
 Me out and shout, "Walk the plank!" 
 
 But, instead, 
 
 He said: 
 
 "Dahhe!" 
 
 Which, translated, seemed to be 
 
 "Yonder am dat Fountain 
 
 Of Youth whey I was countin' 
 
 On takin' you all to!" 
 
40 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 And before my eyes grew 
 
 A fence! 
 
 Admission twenty-five cents 
 
 (And war tax, if you don't mindl). 
 
 So this is what Ponce came to find! 
 
 I looked me all around, 
 
 Then suddenly a profound 
 
 Thought came, 
 
 And in the flame 
 
 Which shone 
 
 As my own, 
 
 After Knowledge lit her lamp, 
 
 I could see the Truth in the damp 
 
 Bottom of the well — and I knew! 
 
 I knew then who 
 
 Drank the brew 
 
 And profited thereby — 
 
 Why 
 
 // was the old mare 
 
 In the shafts there! 
 
 In each eye 
 
 I could descry 
 
 Ages and ages of despair — 
 
 Poor young old mare I 
 
 Centuries ago 
 
 She found eternal youth, but the slow 
 
 Corrosions of time 
 
 Had robbed her of ambition. 
 
 And hers now was the sad condition 
 
 Of having to live ever 
 
 Without pep, and never 
 
 Be more 
 
ST. AUGUSTINE 41 
 
 Than a shuttledore 
 
 Between the right and left shaft 
 
 Of a pirate's fore and aft 
 
 Carryall — Ah, me! 
 
 Also Gee I 
 
 Whiz I 
 
 Tis 
 
 A cunning sample of the irony of Fatel 
 
 I looked towards the gate 
 
 And the fence — 
 
 Admission twenty-five cents 
 
 (And war tax, if you don't mind!) 
 
 Blind 
 
 Were mine eyes with tears, 
 
 So I said to the pirate, ''Here's 
 
 Your three dollars, Boss! 
 
 If you can stand the loss 
 
 ril walk back to town — 
 
 It's only down 
 
 The road a few blocks^ — 
 
 Which knocks 
 
 A hole 
 
 In your droll 
 
 Ideas of distance — and say I 
 
 Lay 
 
 Off with that whip 
 
 On the mare who was a slip 
 
 Of an equine-girlie 
 
 In the early 
 
 Days of St. Augustine. 
 
 Between 
 
 15^3 
 
42 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 And 15 1 6 
 
 She was a two-year-old, 
 
 And on a cold 
 
 Track 
 
 Could do a there-and-back 
 
 In record time — and say I 
 
 Hand her plenty of hay, 
 
 Because she's 
 
 With ease 
 
 1 he oldest relic in town — 
 
 A roadster of renown, 
 
 Loved and respected by 
 
 That good old guy, 
 
 Juan Ponce de Leon!" 
 
 Was he on. 
 
 That pirate? — I don't know, 
 
 For with slow 
 
 And faltering steps I, 
 
 With another sigh 
 
 For days that are no more. 
 
 Bore 
 
 Sou', sou'east from the fence — 
 
 Admission twenty-five cents — 
 
 (And war tax, if you don't mind!) 
 
 To find 
 
 A pleasant path 
 
 Which hath 
 
 Forever waving palms to nod the way 
 
 To gay 
 
 St. Augustine — 
 
 Queen 
 
 Of Matanzas Bay — 
 
ST. AUGUSTINE 43 
 
 Whose memories of an ancient day 
 Are older than the sands of snow 
 Which grow 
 
 In white glory on her distant shore, 
 Where despite the ceaseless roar 
 Of the ever-restless waves they do 
 Contrive to whisper allegiance to 
 Their listening Queen — \ 
 St. Augustine. 
 
MUSIC HATH CHARMS 
 
 For your delectation a little side excursion Into 
 one of the Florldlan by-ways, entitled, ''Music Hath 
 Charms." 
 
 SCENE: — The Plaza in St. Augustine, in the 
 immediate neighborhood of the band stand. 
 
 DISCOVERED: — Omnes, which, as you know, 
 means everybody except a few hotel clerks, one 
 night watchman and the mot or man of a street car, 
 which is unfortunately stalled at the other end of 
 town. 
 
 Mrs. Muffin, of the Borough of Brooklyn, is 
 seated on the end of a bench at Center. She has her 
 wraps, her handbag and a box of candy on the 
 up-stage end of the bench, which is her method of 
 reserving the seat for her friend, Mrs. Trisket, 
 who is a trifle late. 
 
 There are hundreds of other people present, all 
 trying to listen to the good music which SiGNOR Ves- 
 sela's band is discoursing. 
 
 The air is balmy and a tropical glitter may be 
 noticed in connection with the stars — if you get what 
 I mean! 
 
 Presently Mrs. Trisket, also of the Borough of 
 Brooklyn, but nearer Flatbush, arrtves, and after the 
 
 44 
 
MUSIC HATH CHARMS 45 
 
 wraps, the handbag and the box of candy are 
 removed she settles on the bench with a hen-like 
 flutter. 
 
 The audience will kindly remember that the band 
 is playing steadily throughout the drama. 
 
 Late, aren't you, Grace, dear? 
 
 Yes, Lottie, I was waiting for the Northern 
 papers. I always like to see what the weather was 
 day before yesterday In New York. 
 
 Why, Grace, what difference does day before yes- 
 terday's weather in New York make when you're 
 here ? 
 
 Well, you see, Lottie, if it was cold and snowy and 
 sleety up there, I can be glad I'm here, and If It was 
 warm and pleasant up there I can worry because I'm 
 not home. Delightful band, isn't it? 
 
 Yes, Grace, but I think the drums are a little too 
 loud. They're so discouraging to conversation — > 
 especially If one's hearing isn't any too good. I 
 came here two or three times to talk to Mrs. Open- 
 face — you know her ! Rich ! — oh, dear me I Oodles 
 of money! Her husband invented a method of 
 opening hard shell clams by electricity and made a 
 fortune. And her son-in-law, Hector Squeeze-eagle, 
 well, he discovered a lotion for removing sunburn 
 
46 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 from golf balls, so the family Is just itchy with 
 money. Well, as I was saying, we came here several 
 evenings ago to have a little chat, and, do you know, 
 It seemed to be old-home-week for the drummers. 
 Every time we tried to discuss some of our mutual 
 friends — and Heaven knows they need discussion!- — 
 those drummers would pound out a deafening 
 cadenza and poor Mrs. Openface, being slightly 
 deaf, was frightfully discouraged, so finally we went 
 over and sat by the trolley tracks, where It was 
 quieter. But I do love good music, don't you? 
 What's the news in the papers? 
 
 Nothing, Lottie, nothing in the papers but strikes 
 — don't you hate to be always reading about strikes? 
 
 I do, Grace; it seems such a waste of time to be 
 striking and then un-strlking all the time. If they'd 
 only strike somebody or something and get It over 
 with — ^but it seems to be the fashion nowadays. 
 Don't you remember that beautiful poem, Grace, 
 dear — ^who wrote It now? Was It Robert HItchens 
 or Senator Lodge? — I've forgotten, but one verse 
 was so true ! — wait till that trombone person hushes 
 his noise! See If I remember it, Grace! It went 
 something like this: — 
 
 "Strike and the world strikes with you. 
 
 Work and you work alone. 
 
 For the profiteer needs your money, my dear, 
 
 Though he has enough of his own." 
 
 I think that's perfectly splendid and so true and 
 real, don't you, Grace? 
 
MUSIC HATH CHARMS 47 
 
 Oh, Lottie, it's wonderful! And how well you 
 recite. What a gift it is to be able to recite — dear 
 me, that trombone is loud, isn't it? I wonder if it's 
 really a trombone — I thought they had to slide it? 
 
 Well, Grace, if you're really curious and want to 
 hear the music, far be it from me to prevent you, 
 but when a person hasn't seen another person for 
 weeks and 
 
 Oh, Lottie, I be^ your pardon! What is mere 
 music when I'm dying to have you tell me all the 
 news. Did you go to Petersburg this year? 
 
 No, Grace, I didn't. And it is so perfectly splen- 
 did at Petersburg. They have those little intimate 
 symphony concerts there, and they are so delightful 
 to talk through. And the time passes so quickly, it's 
 amazing! One evening I started to tell Mrs. Cruller 
 how Jessie Wafer ran away with her father's chauf- 
 feur — you remember, Grace, the Wafers lived next 
 door to us when we had that salmon-colored house 
 near the cemetery! — well, I no more than got Jessie 
 and the chauffeur to the subway at Borough Hall 
 when the concert was over. It's perfectly astound- 
 ing how the time passes in Petersburg. 
 
 Do you think you'll go to Ormond Beach, Lottie ? 
 
 I don't know, Grace. I have a two weeks' invi- 
 tation from friends in Tampa — It's perfectly splen- 
 did at Tampa, and then I have friends in Daytona, 
 
48 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 and they may surprise me with an invitation — it's 
 perfectly splendid in Daytona — and Sea Breeze I 
 that's perfectly splendid! I spent two weeks there 
 last summer, and it's perfectly splendid! Wonder- 
 ful beach at Ormond and Daytona, too. The tide 
 goes out so far it's no trouble to sit there and talk 
 for hours. 
 
 Have you been to the Everglades, Lottie?^ — I'd 
 like to see those. 
 
 Oh, yes, Grace, I've seen them — perfectly splen- 
 did, but slushy, frightfully slushy. You have to go 
 in a boat, you know. They are full of strange look- 
 ing Indians and perfectly splendid alligators and 
 one eats the other. I don't remember now whether 
 the Indians eat the alligators or the alligators eat 
 the Indians, but it doesn't matter much, does it? 
 Oh, I like the Everglades. If you have a nice com- 
 fortable boat, they are a perfectly splendid place 
 to sleep for hours and hours, because nothing at all 
 ever happens there except scenery — and that's per- 
 fectly splendid if you care to look at it. Delight- 
 ful music, isn't it ? 
 
 I'm told so, Lottie. We must drop around some 
 evening and hear it. Perhaps, Lottie, we should 
 come here separately. They say that in order to 
 fully appreciate good music one should shut out the 
 world and do nothing but listen. 
 
 Well, Grace, I'll tell the world I won't shut It 
 out — not to hear music. 
 
MUSIC HATH CHARMS 49 
 
 You know, Lottie, the old proverb says that music 
 hath charms to soothe the naked Indians. 
 
 Oh, nonsense, Grace, you can hear all about the 
 Indians down at Fort Marion, where Osceola 
 escaped through an eight-Inch drain pipe under a 
 flag of truce. Indians don't Interest me. Didn't you 
 tell me, Grace, that Mr. Vessella had written a song 
 entitled ^'Florida Water"? 
 
 No, Lottie, dear, not "Florida Water" — it's 
 called ^'Florida Nights." 
 
 Oh, of course, Grace, I should have remembered 
 that "Florida Water" was written by Ponce de 
 Leon — I never was much good at geography. Ask 
 the woman sitting next to you if "Florida Nights" 
 will be sung this evening. 
 
 (Business of Mrs. Trisket asking the woman 
 sitting next to her and then turning to Mrs. 
 Muffin.) 
 
 She says that Miss Ribekova has just started to 
 sing "Florida Nights" — shall we listen, Lottie? 
 
 Oh, Grace, if she's started, what's the use? It's 
 so hard to follow the plot of a song unless you hear 
 the very beginning of it. Oh ! Isn't that Mr. Figels- 
 potter over there, two benches up and one across — 
 you know him, Grace ! He's Mrs. Openface's 
 brother — she was a FIgelspotter before she married 
 
50 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 GIpthem Openface. FIgelspotter is an inventor, 
 too. It runs In the family. He invented an anesthetic 
 for women to take just before going shopping. It 
 makes them insensible to the prices. Sometimes 
 three whole days pass before the effects wear off and 
 you realize that you've paid two dollars and forty 
 cents for something you could get In the palmy days 
 for two bits. Of course, by that time your grief can 
 be kept under control. I think it's a perfectly splen- 
 did Invention, don't you, Grace? But I wish Mr. 
 Flegelspotter could invent a safe method of coaxing 
 a sirloin steak away from a butcher without hav- 
 ing to leave a Liberty Bond with the butcher's cash- 
 ier. I wonder why Tom Edison doesn't think it over 
 — ^but then he may be a vegetarian and find the sub- 
 ject uninteresting. Oh, dear, it's a great life, if you 
 don't have to powder I 
 
 Oh, Lottie, dear, I knew there was something I 
 was dying to ask you — I just knew it. Have you 
 been over to the alligator farm? 
 
 Yes, Grace, but I don't care for alligators — they 
 annoy me. I can't classify them. I don^t know 
 whether an alligator is an animal or an insect or the 
 grandfather of a snake. Besides I'm here alone on 
 a pleasure trip, and an alligator reminds me too 
 much of my husband. 
 
 Lottie! for goodness' sake, why? 
 
 Because, Grace, you can't trust him even when 
 he's asleep. 
 
MUSIC HATH CHARMS 51 
 
 Oh, Lottie, aren't you perfectly horrid to your 
 poor Murgatroyd — and he up there In the slush and 
 snow and cold wishing for you to come back and 
 working like a beaver. 
 
 No, Grace, beavers build dams, but my husband 
 wouldn't give a whole village of beavers' dams if 
 I never came back. Oh ! he's perfectly frank about 
 it. He says we get on so much better when I'm 
 South and he's In the North. I suppose our lives 
 together would be perfectly splendidly IdylHc If I 
 lived In Africa and he had two rooms and a kitchen- 
 ette on a roof garden in New York. 
 
 Lottie 1 
 
 Yes, Grace, dear I 
 
 Listen I 
 
 I didn't come here to listen, Grace — I came here 
 to talk, and I intend to get my money's worth. 
 
 Oh, Lottie I did you hear that ? The nerve of that 
 man. He's sitting behind us — did you hear what 
 he said? 
 
 How could I, Grace, dear? You know how hard 
 It is for me to hear when I'm talking. I find I get 
 better results with my vocal cords If I concentrate on 
 my enunciation — what did he say? 
 
52 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 Well, Lottie, that rough looking man with the 
 fur overcoat and the straw hat has been inquiring 
 for five minutes why we don't hire a hall. 
 
 Tell him, Grace, dear, if you care to, that this Is 
 a free country, made so by the Declaration of Inde- 
 pendence and kept so by William Jennings Bryan. 
 Tell him that free speech is one of the Fourteen 
 Points, and tell him that he'll find the other thirteen 
 points on the compass, and he can take his fur coat 
 and his straw hat and go In whichever one of those 
 directions he chooses. This Plaza was a free Plaza 
 long before the raccoon was born and died to give 
 him that coat, and it will be a free Plaza long after 
 his straw hat has been turned into a cottage pud- 
 ding, and If I want to sit down here and talk and 
 have Vessella accompany me on the saxophone I'll 
 do so to the full limit of the law, which says that all 
 men and women are born equal except those who 
 wear straw hats with fur overcoats and — has he 
 gone ? 
 
 ' Yes, Lottie, dear, he got up and hurried away, just 
 when you mentioned William Jennings Bryan. 
 
 Why, Grace, dear, they're all going. The con- 
 cert must be over. 
 
 It is, Lottie, dear, the band just played *'The Star- 
 Spangled Banner." 
 
MUSIC HATH CHARMS 63 
 
 Oh, yes, that's a tune Fve always wanted to hear, 
 but somehow or other I never get the time. It's 
 our national anthem, isn't it? 
 
 Yes, Lottie. 
 
 How do you know they played it? 
 
 I just knew it instinctively. I happened to look 
 up and see the musicians wrapping up their instru- 
 ments, and it's always customary to play the national 
 anthem before putting the instrument away. Don't 
 think for one moment, Lottie, dear, that I've been 
 unfaithful, because I've listened to every word 
 you've said, and I'm sure I'd rather listen to you 
 any time than hear even Galli-Curci sing Frosty's 
 "Good-by." Where shall we go now? 
 
 Let's go over to the hotel, Grace, dear. We can 
 get some chairs near some of those nice old people 
 who play auction bridge and we can chatter till bed 
 time. I've been told that it throws a perfectly 
 splendid sidelight on bridge to have an interesting 
 and intellectual conversation going on nearby when 
 four people are concentrating on a no-trump hand, 
 doubled and re-doubled. It's almost as exciting as 
 sustaining a conversation throughout a band con- 
 cert — shall we go along? 
 
 Yes, Lottie, let's hurry before the nice old people 
 break up their game. 
 
64 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 (Mrs. Muffin md Mrs. Trisket pick up 
 wraps, box of candy, handbags, etc., and exeunt into 
 King street still talking.) 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
PALM BEACH 
 
 Palm Beach I 
 A peach 
 Of a place 
 To chase 
 
 Care into the ocean, 
 Unless you have developed the notion 
 That Care is a dear friend, 
 And you have no desire to end 
 Your acquaintanceship, 
 In which case you can slip 
 Your bank account 
 And any amount 
 You can beg or borrow 
 Into that Sub-cellar of Sorrow 
 Known 
 
 As the Sucker's Own 
 Sinking Fund, 
 Which hund- 
 
 Reds do every season down there, 
 And have Care 
 Sit and stare 
 
 At you, and follow you back 
 Home, and keep on your track 
 Until you replenish your stack. 
 And if you do replenish 
 It's a bottle of Rhenish 
 55 
 
50 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 Wine 
 
 To a shine 
 
 Jug of sarsaparilla you 
 
 Will do 
 
 The same thing over again next season — 
 
 And that Is the reason 
 
 The expression, *'What's the use!" 
 
 Is hurled so often at the Obtuse. 
 
 Palm Beach Is a delight 
 
 To the sight 
 
 For Nature is lavish and o'er the scene 
 
 Spreads her gorgeous green 
 
 Mantle, delicately tinted 
 
 With recently minted 
 
 Polnsettia blooms. 
 
 And the whispering palm looms 
 
 Ever pleasantly on the sight. 
 
 The night 
 
 Is filled with distant echoes of the sea 
 
 And the 
 
 Moon and stars come there to play 
 
 And make holiday. 
 
 And there also come 
 
 A few dear, dumb 
 
 Dwellers In distant Kokomo 
 
 Who, having saved up a dollar or so, 
 
 Are clad in garments rare 
 
 From the 'Tair 
 
 Price Store" at home, 
 
 And they roam 
 
 The walks and porches, eyes 
 
 Agog and filled with glad surprise, 
 
PALM BEACH 57 
 
 Hoping to 
 
 Touch elbows with a few 
 
 Dukes or Princes or Earls, 
 
 Or get a glimpse of those priceless pearls 
 
 That vex 
 
 The necks 
 
 Of the Moving Picture Queens, 
 
 They see on screens 
 
 In the Home Town. 
 
 You can write it down 
 
 That Palm Beach is a Mecca — 
 
 By Heck! a 
 
 Veritable shrine for the proletariat! — 
 
 Whatever that 
 
 May be ! 
 
 And it's plain to see 
 
 It is also a Mecca for the 
 
 Bourgeois and the Social Gnat 
 
 Known as the Aristocrat — 
 
 Oh, I beg pardon ! What? 
 
 Great Scott! 
 
 You say there 
 
 Is no Class Distinction in this fair 
 
 Land of the Stars and Strikes! 
 
 We're all on the same Pike's 
 
 Peak 
 
 So to squeak? 
 
 And the only thing that lowers or raises 
 
 Us in the praises 
 
 Of our fellow travelers through life 
 
 Is the amount of Cash our wife 
 
 Has in her name ? — is that what you mean? 
 
58 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 Well, between 
 
 You and me 
 
 And the 
 
 Lamp-post, maybe 
 
 You're right; 
 
 But, If I might 
 
 Be so bold. 
 
 Why do all the funny old 
 
 Politicians and small fry 
 
 Editors of two-by-four newspapers cry 
 
 Continually, "O Proletariat!" and with one eye 
 
 Closed temporarily sigh, 
 
 *'OfthoseamII" 
 
 By and by 
 
 Sometime will you please 
 
 Tell me, to ease 
 
 My mind, just what is a proletariat; 
 
 And did the cat 
 
 Bring that 
 
 Funny word in the parlor, and where 
 
 Did the cat find it? 
 
 I wouldn't mind it 
 
 If you also tell 
 
 Me how to spell 
 
 "Bourgeois" and why. 
 
 When I know how to spell it, do I 
 
 Have to mention it again? 
 
 Now and then 
 
 Doesn't it strike you 
 
 That quite a few 
 
 Uncomfortable birds 
 
 Of words 
 
PALM BEACH 59 
 
 Immigrate to this country and 
 
 After they stand 
 
 Around Ellis Island for a while 
 
 They smile 
 
 Themselves into our language and we make 
 
 A great fuss over them and take 
 
 Them out for an airing 
 
 Every day, never bearing 
 
 In mind 
 
 That though we mean to be kind 
 
 We don^t know just what we do mean 
 
 When, with the Bean 
 
 Proud of its Pronunciation, we exclaim, 
 
 With eyes aflame, 
 
 "He's a Bourgeois" this or that 
 
 Or a "Proletariat!" 
 
 We shouldn't be 
 
 So free 
 
 With these alien Children of Speech, 
 
 For when we mention their names each 
 
 One of them sneaks away 
 
 To some gray 
 
 Corner in our brain, lies flat 
 
 On its little fat 
 
 Foreign stomach, and laughs itself sick 
 
 Over the slick 
 
 Manner in which it has made 
 
 A nice home for itself in our staid 
 
 Old Language. Now, all that being so, 
 
 Let's go 
 
 Back to Palm Beach, swept 
 
 By ocean breezes, and kept 
 
60 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 Gay 
 
 By Broadway 
 
 And Forty-second Street; 
 
 Where you can meet 
 
 Any Notable of Earth, 
 
 If the girth 
 
 Of your roll is wide 
 
 Enough to permit you to abide 
 
 In that neighborhood for more 
 
 Than four 
 
 Or Rvc days. 
 
 And where every chaise 
 
 Longue will uphold 
 
 From time to time those who are bold 
 
 In Finance or Statesmanship ; 
 
 If not these, then some one who had the grip 
 
 And enough dough 
 
 Togo 
 
 There and recuperate. 
 
 Great 
 
 Writers will tell you 
 
 That there are two 
 
 Hotels of the Class A 
 
 Type, 
 
 Each with an army of bellhops to swipe 
 
 Your hand-baggage the moment you 
 
 Drop off the train due 
 
 From the North at i :22, 
 
 And arriving at 8 129 — 
 
 Late — late for everything except to dine 
 
 Under the plain 
 
 But eagle eye of Joe McLane. 
 
PALM BEACH 61 
 
 One of these hostelries, you will be told 
 
 On every old 
 
 Occasion, is beyond doubt 
 
 The largest wooden hang-out 
 
 In the world, 
 
 And it lies curled 
 
 On 
 
 The lawn 
 
 On the shore of Lake Worth, 
 
 But you can bet Perth 
 
 Amboy against Manhattan Isle 
 
 That though it's some pile 
 
 Of timber, investigation does not disclose 
 
 Any wood in the heads of those 
 
 Who make it a joyous playground 
 
 For the visitors who stay 'round 
 
 Its pleasing purlieus. 
 
 Here the Curlews 
 
 Of Fashion and the male 
 
 Birds of Paradise scatter the Kale; 
 
 One may sit on its wide 
 
 Porches and hear quaint side 
 
 Remarks when Money meets Cash, 
 
 And see the flash 
 
 Of recognition in the eye 
 
 Of Former Poverty when spry 
 
 Profiteer 
 
 Draws near 
 
 With a smile 
 
 To shake the hand of Plenty-All-The-Whlle. 
 
 My memories of the Beach are these: 
 
 A health-laden breeze 
 
62 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 From over tropic seas; 
 
 A fat man with tight 
 
 White 
 
 Flannel trousers which wouldn't permit 
 
 Him to walk or sit. 
 
 Poinsettia bordered glimpses of fair 
 
 And rare 
 
 Gardens where Nature tried to do 
 
 Her best and succeeded only too 
 
 Well. 
 
 A Swell 
 
 Named John 
 
 Newriches, from Waterbury, Conn., 
 
 Parking his Robert Burns cigar on 
 
 The lawn 
 
 While he tried to flirt 
 
 With a panatella-shaped Skirt 
 
 Who was out walking 
 
 With andnalking 
 
 To a Pekinese 
 
 And paying no heed to the Big Sneeze, 
 
 John, 
 
 From Waterbury, Conn. 
 
 Palmettos whispering to the date 
 
 Palms great 
 
 Bits of gossip about those 
 
 Poor human things in gaudy clothes 
 
 Who strutted, all tailor-made, 
 
 Beneath their shade. 
 
 A pretty girl trying to 
 
 Pour a few 
 
 Pounds of face-powder on a well-done 
 
PALM BEACH 63 
 
 Sun- 
 Burned nose 
 Which chose 
 To spurn 
 
 The powder and tried to turn 
 Pinker 
 
 And make her think her 
 Date to take tea 
 With the 
 
 Man of Her Choice was frost- 
 Bitten and Lost 
 
 In the Everglades of Circumstance. 
 The phosphorescent dance 
 Of the Lake fishes which throw 
 A glow 
 
 Of beautiful, unearthly light 
 Into the night — 
 
 And the night keeps it for its own. 
 The fatherly tone 
 Of Flo 
 
 Ziegfeld, who, in slow 
 And measured accents, tells 
 Irving Berlin the mystic spells 
 To weave in order to win, 
 And the thin 
 Upward curves 
 Of Irv's 
 Left eyebrow 
 As he replies, "How 
 Come you lose yourself, how come, now?'* 
 And the saddened voice of Arch 
 Selwyn asking Edgar how to steal a march 
 
64 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 On the fickle jade 
 
 Called Fortune, and the staid 
 
 And solemn reply : 
 
 "Buy 
 
 A ticket back home!" 
 
 The white foam 
 
 Hurrying to the shore 
 
 Seeking to get away from the roar 
 
 Of the following wave, 
 
 And'the moon making the night its slave, 
 
 While Southern stars gleam 
 
 And seem 
 
 To be so near; 
 
 Then clear 
 
 And far away the call 
 
 Of a night-bird, "All 
 
 Is well!— All's well! 
 
 Tell 
 
 The sleeping world all is well!" 
 
SNAP SHOTS 
 
 When friend Wife gave friend Son that new- 
 fangled camera last Christmas I had a hunch that 
 the dealers in photographic supplies would get the 
 supreme exercise of their lives hot-footing it to the 
 bank with the contents of my wallet. 
 
 Son just grabbed that camera and went after 
 everything and everybody in the neighborhood. 
 
 It so happens that our neighborhood is Ventnor, 
 N. J., and the poor, patient, old Atlantic Ocean cer- 
 tainly did get some severe punishment from Son's 
 camera. He forced that ocean to pose for enough 
 pictures to make it conceited for the rest of its life, 
 but as most of the views turned out to be nothing 
 more than a pale white line ending with sudden and 
 unenlightening darkness Fm sure the ocean won't 
 care much. If it did keep still long enough to be 
 "shot" in any of the pictures it was most thoroughly 
 disguised. 
 
 Then Son decided that land views might possibly 
 lead to better results, so he picked out the Hotel 
 Ambassador, standing huge and inspiring against 
 the distant sky line, and opened up his eight dollar 
 machine gun on that inviting view. I don't think 
 Son ever got enough of the Ambassador in any one 
 snapshot to identify it as a Class A caravansary, but 
 he did get a wonderful approach in the form of 
 
 65 
 
66 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 enough zigzag lines, parallelograms, obtuse angles 
 and right angle triangles of twisted Boardwalk to 
 make a corking good lesson in geometry. 
 
 Before we started on our Florida trip Son was 
 cured of collecting the landscape; so he turned the 
 camera over to friend Daughter, and she began to 
 take views of everything that couldn't run all the 
 way from Ventnor to Florida, and then she discov- 
 ered the camera wasn't loaded, which helped a little. 
 
 Like everything else in this world, picture pinch- 
 ing from still life depends entirely on the point of 
 view. 
 
 If your point of view is all right it's an easy mat- 
 ter to make a four-dollar dog-house look like the 
 villa of a Wall Street broker at Palm Beach. 
 
 Ten minutes after we arrived in Hawleysville 
 Daughter had set me up as a series of statues all 
 over Uncle Gilbert's lawn, and she was snapping 
 at me like a Spitz doggie at a peddler. 
 
 I sat for two hundred and nineteen pictures that 
 forenoon and I posed for every hero in history, from 
 William the Conqueror down to a conscience-stricken 
 Profiteer handing the money back. 
 
 But when she tried to coax me to climb up a limb . 
 of a tree and stay there till she got a picture of me 
 looking like an owl I swore softly in three languages, 
 fell over the back fence, and ran for my life. 
 
 When I rubbershoed it back that afternoon friend 
 Daughter was busy developing her crimes. 
 
 The proper and up-to-date caper in connection 
 with taking snapshots these days is to buy a develop- 
 ing outfit and upset the household from pit to dome 
 
SNAP SHOTS 67 
 
 while you are squeezing out pictures of every dearly 
 beloved friend that crosses your pathway. 
 
 Friend Daughter selected a spare room on the top 
 floor of Uncle Gilbert's home where she could await 
 developments. 
 
 A half hour later ghostly noises began to come 
 from that room and mysterious whisperings fell out 
 of the window and bumped over the lawn. 
 
 When I reached the front door I found that the 
 gardener had left, the waitress was leaving, and the 
 cook was telephoning for a rural policeman. 
 
 ''Where is Daughter?" I asked Mehitabel, the 
 cook. 
 
 *'She is still developing," said Mehitabel. 
 
 *'What has she developed?" I inquired. 
 
 "Up to the present time she has developed your 
 Uncle's temper and she has developed your Aunt's 
 appetite, she has developed in your wife a desire to 
 take a long walk, a couple of bill collectors devel- 
 oped a pain in the neck when she took their pictures, 
 and, if things go on in this way, I think this will 
 soon develop into a foolish house!" said Mehitabel, 
 the cook. 
 
 A half hour later, while I was hiding behind the 
 pianola In the living room, not daring to breathe 
 above a whisper for fear I would get my picture 
 taken again, friend Daughter rushed In, exclaiming, 
 "Oh, joy! Oh, joy! Father, I have developed two 
 pictures!" 
 
 I wish you could have seen the expression on 
 Daughter's face. 
 
68 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 In order to develop the films a picturesque assort- 
 ment of drugs and chemicals have to be used. 
 
 Well, friend Daughter had used them. 
 
 A silent little stream of wood alcohol had trickled 
 down over her left ear into her startled bobbed hair, 
 and on the end of her nose about six grains of ex- 
 tract of potash was sending out signals of distress 
 to some spirits of turpentine which was burning on 
 top of her right eyebrow. 
 
 Something dark and lingering like iodine had 
 given her chin the double-cross and her apron looked 
 like the remnants of a porous plaster. 
 
 Her right hand had red, white, green, purple, 
 and magenta marks all over it, and her left hand 
 looked like the Fourth of July. 
 
 "Father!'* she yelled; "here it is! My goodness, 
 I am so excited! See what a fine picture of you I 
 took!" 
 
 She handed me the picture, but all I could see was 
 a woodshed with the door wide open. 
 
 "A good picture of the woodshed," I said; "but 
 whose woodshed is it?" 
 
 "A woodshed!" exclaimed friend Daughter; 
 "why, that is your face. Father. And where you 
 think the door is open is only your mouth !" 
 
 I looked crestfallen and then I looked at the 
 picture again, but my better nature asserted itself 
 and I made no attempt to strike that defenseless 
 girl. 
 
 Then she handed me another picture and said, 
 "Father, isn't this wonderful?" 
 
 I looked at the picture and muttered, "All I can 
 
SNAP SHOTS 69 
 
 see Is the colored gardener walking across lots with 
 a sack of flour on his back!" 
 
 "Oh!" gasped friend Daughter, *'how can you ex- 
 pect to see what it is when you are holding the pic- 
 ture upside down?" 
 
 I turned the picture around, and then I was quite 
 agreeably surprised. 
 
 "It's wonderful!" I shouted. "It's a real thing, 
 all right! Why, this is splendid! I suppose it is 
 called, 'Moonlight on the St. John's River'? Did 
 this one come with the camera or did you draw it 
 from memory?" 
 
 "The idea of such a thing," friend Daughter 
 pouted; "can't you see that you're holding the picture 
 the wrong way? Turn it around and you will see 
 what it is!" 
 
 I gave the thing another turn. 
 
 "Gee whiz!" I said; "now I have it! Oh, the 
 limit ! You wished to surprise me with a picture of 
 the sunset at Governor's Island. How lovely it is 1 
 See, over here in this corner there's a bunch of 
 soldiers listening to what's cooking for supper, and 
 over here is the smoke from the gun that sets the sun 
 —I like it!" 
 
 Then friend Daughter grabbed the picture out of 
 my hands and burst into reproachful speech. 
 
 "Oh, Father, why do you try to discourage my 
 efforts to be artistic?" she Nazimovaded. "This is 
 a picture of you holding Mrs. Macllvaine's baby in 
 your arms, and I think it's perfectly lovely, even if 
 the baby is crying." 
 
 When the exercises were over I inquired casually, 
 
70 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 "Where, my dear, where are the other 21,219 P^^" 
 tures you snapped to-day?" 
 
 "Only these two came out good because, don't 
 you see, I'm an amateur yet," was her come-back. 
 
 The net result of Floridian views as collected by 
 both Son and Daughter and highly approved of by 
 friend Wife is as follows: — 
 
 One portion of a dotted Swiss dress with a large 
 and rather fantastic sea shell in background, la- 
 bled, "The Band Concert at Miami." 
 
 One shattered remnant of a trench in the Somme 
 Sector, surmounted by sand bags, fondly called by 
 the perpetrator, "The City Gates, St. Augustine." 
 
 A remarkably intelligent looking Seminole Indian 
 gathering firewood, which turns out to be none other 
 than yours truly picking shells on Miami Beach. 
 
 A telegraph pole standing in an attitude of em- 
 barrassed silence with one of its cross-arms beckon- 
 ing to a letter box, which, it appears, is friend 
 Daughter's cameralstic idea of how friend Son looks 
 while lighting his pipe. 
 
 A bowlder in the foreground which has evidently 
 fallen from one of the steep walls of a canon which 
 must have strayed away from Colorado, labeled, 
 "Mother, in St. George Street, St. Augustine." 
 
 A snappy little feather duster standing upside 
 down with one of the feathers resting on a plate of 
 oysters — which was Son's idea of a good picture of 
 Daughter eating ice cream. 
 
 A bright knot-hole in a high board fence, en- 
 titled, "Morning on Matanzas Bay." 
 
 Two slightly used whiskbrooms, a broken water 
 
SNAP SHOTS 71 
 
 pitcher and a futuristic view of something that looks 
 like a cry for help, labelled, "The gardens of the 
 Alcazar, St. Augustine." 
 
 A view on the Indian river showing a small oak 
 tree with hanging moss, which I considered quite 
 good, especially after it was explained to me that 
 Daughter's dog, "Gyp," posed for the entire 
 scene. 
 
 A colored boy selling newspapers to the end of 
 an automobile with a Georgia license plate on it, 
 called, "The Old Slave Market, St. Augustine." 
 
 Something that resembles three nervous looking 
 men handing money to an almost human guide from 
 whose left hand a cactus plant is growing, carefully 
 inscribed, "The Alligator Farm, Anastasia Island." 
 
 A very large and hitherto unused porous plaster 
 with a step-ladder and four very quaint dog houses 
 in the foreground, which is called, "Yachts at An- 
 chor in Biscayne Bay at Miami." 
 
 Side by side two large round sea shells, looking 
 exactly alike; above these a white sand dune; be- 
 low and between the sea shells a hillock; under the 
 hillock a long, straight, dark ravine, supported by a 
 field of stubbly wheat, the entire production la- 
 beled, "A Portrait Study of Father." 
 
 An attenuated scarecrow standing solitary and 
 alone on a dark night in a very black field, entitled, 
 "Palm Trees and White Sand on the Beach at An- 
 astasia Island." 
 
 For my part, I'm glad my memory is still on the 
 job; otherwise, a study of these snapshots would lead 
 
7a IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 me to believe that Florida is nothing more than a 
 tame nightmare being entertained by freaks in a 
 gloomy junkshop — ^but the kids think the pictures 
 are great, so what's the use ? 
 
MIAMI 
 
 ^'My! Ah, me!" 
 
 Balmy 
 
 In the Winter sunshine I 
 
 "My! Ami?" 
 
 Spry 
 
 As a mining town 
 
 Set down 
 
 Behind a Western mountain, 
 
 Countin' 
 
 Its nuggets of bright 
 
 Gold ere comes the night. 
 
 ''Me? Ami?" 
 
 Why 
 
 Do the strangers fly 
 
 To you in Winter from the four, 
 
 Or more, 
 
 Corners of the earth, 
 
 Adding to your mirth, 
 
 And the amounts 
 
 Of your bank accounts? 
 
 It Is the climate — 
 
 So sublime it 
 
 Coaxes health to come back and stay 
 
 And stick for many an added day. 
 
 ''Mammy!" 
 
 No clammy 
 
 73 
 
74 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 Silence there! 
 
 What with the bands blaring 
 
 And the aeroplanes tearing 
 
 Through the air — 
 
 Why, it's a bear — 
 
 Cat for Pep! 
 
 Are you hep 
 
 That I 
 
 In my 
 
 Poor, artless, little Japanese way 
 
 Have been making a gay 
 
 Bit of an effort to show 
 
 The various pronunciations that go 
 
 With ''Miami," eh? 
 
 Say! 
 
 IVe been 
 
 Trying to screen 
 
 A *'movie^ for you 
 
 Of the few 
 
 Methods of approaching the name 
 
 Of that same 
 
 Busy, bustling town 
 
 'Way down 
 
 South in the land of grapefruit. 
 
 So take whichever style may suit 
 
 Your fancy. As for mine 
 
 I rather incline 
 
 To Miami — 
 
 You may gather from the rhyme how I 
 
 Pronounce it — and so! 
 
 Let's go ! 
 
 Whether it be ''me" or "my" 
 
MIAMI 75 
 
 Miami is shy- 
 On nothing except diffidence. 
 Immense, 
 Not in size, 
 But in the eyes 
 
 Of the ''natives'^ who live there 
 During such time as they can spare 
 From their birthplaces 
 
 In Boston, Mass., or Chicago, 111., as the cases 
 Maybe; 
 
 But these '^natives" agree 
 And meet 
 And set their feet 
 On one common ground 
 Which is, that more suckers abound 
 In Florida than in their 
 Home town — be that where 
 It may, 
 So they stay 
 In the *'Sunny," 
 
 Observing the color of the money 
 Which the tourists flash; 
 It is then that the **nativcs" cash 
 In on the agility 
 
 With which they show their ability 
 To make 
 The stranger take 
 To the idea that he needs 
 The deeds 
 To a smart 
 
 Little bungalow and become a part 
 Of the ''native" pop- 
 
7^ IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 Ulation, with stop- 
 
 Over privileges in his erstwhile home 
 
 In the frozen North, whence he may roam 
 
 When all the other "natives" go, 
 
 With steps faltering and slow, 
 
 North to their erstwhiles 
 
 And stay there until the money thirst wiles 
 
 Them back 
 
 To stack 
 
 The shack 
 
 And become "natives" again in the Fall. 
 
 All 
 
 The real, blue-blooded "natives" park 
 
 Themselves in the dark 
 
 Background, 
 
 And are hard to be found. 
 
 You 
 
 Will notice that the real "native" is few 
 
 And far between. 
 
 But may be seen 
 
 Occasionally paddling a droll 
 
 Canoe, himself disguised as a Seminole, 
 
 In the far reaches 
 
 Of one of Nature's peaches 
 
 Of places — the Everglades! 
 
 To the shades 
 
 Of the tall 
 
 Jungle palms all 
 
 The real "natives" have hurried 
 
 Into retirement, worried 
 
 By the look of keen 
 
 Competition on the lean 
 
MIAMI 77 
 
 Faces 
 
 Of the avant couriers of other races 
 
 Flocking from the North to take up places 
 
 At the receipt of customs, and otherwise fit 
 
 Themselves to sit 
 
 On the Temple steps and barter. 
 
 Smarter 
 
 Than any "native" is he 
 
 Who hurries South with the 
 
 Commodity known as ''Yankee thrift," 
 
 And a swift 
 
 Eye to values — so 
 
 Exit sullenly the slow 
 
 Habitant 
 
 Who can^t 
 
 Compete 
 
 With the lad from the effete, 
 
 So to speak, East, who can trade in 
 
 A tin 
 
 Automobile for seven acres of sand 
 
 And turn the sand into land. 
 
 And put seven little spick and span 
 
 Queen Anne 
 
 Cottages thereon and rent 
 
 The same so he will achieve 43 per cent 
 
 On his 
 
 Investment. Modern biz 
 
 Of that vociferous kind 
 
 Penetrates the mind 
 
 Of the "native" in the same way 
 
 The police penetrate a joint 
 
 Where the bartender continues to anoint 
 
78 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 The thirst 
 
 With the worst 
 
 Kind of expensive boozes 
 
 And where no customer loses 
 
 A beat in picking 
 
 Up the Volstead Act and kicking 
 
 It on the shins. 
 
 All of which knocks the pins 
 
 From under 
 
 The real "native" and with wonder 
 
 In his sad eyes 
 
 And a number 2 size 
 
 Portmanteau in his hand 
 
 He hikes for the jungle land 
 
 Afar, 
 
 Where the alligators are 
 
 Blinking in the swamps; 
 
 And there he romps 
 
 Care free, 
 
 And consorts with only the 
 
 Happy hookworm 
 
 For the term 
 
 Of his natural life. 
 
 Far from strife, 
 
 Far from the madding crowd, 
 
 And the loud 
 
 Echoes of the hurrying throng 
 
 Singing its ceaseless song 
 
 Of Big Business, the real "native*' can say 
 
 Pax Vobiscum ! and lay 
 
 His head upon a stump. 
 
 Not even troubling to jump 
 
MIAMI 79 
 
 When he hears 
 
 The swift in-take of breath which appears 
 
 To be 
 
 The 
 
 Preliminary custom of the rattlesnake 
 
 Before it decides to take 
 
 A few bites from its prospective lunch — 
 
 For even snakes have a hunch 
 
 To keep away from a lone 
 
 "Native" who has troubles enough of his own. 
 
 But, nevertheless, Miami by day 
 
 Is a dream of green and gray 
 
 Delight, 
 
 And when the night 
 
 Falls o'er Biscayne Bay 
 
 And its ripples play 
 
 Tag with each ray 
 
 Of moonlight, 
 
 That, indeed, is a wondrous sight! 
 
 Brave yachts ride 
 
 On the trembling tide, 
 
 Their twinkling lamps smiling 
 
 At the fairy darkness which is beguiling 
 
 The on-looker not to call it Night. 
 
 Tall palms, bedight 
 
 With the sheen 
 
 Of ghostly green. 
 
 Silhouetted against the far 
 
 Horizon where angry waves of the ocean are 
 
 Forever seeking conflict with the quiet Bay! 
 
 The gay 
 
 Strains of a distant mandolin coming o'er 
 
80 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 The waters, and to the shore 
 
 Crooningly conies the Southern breeze, 
 
 From over distant seas, 
 
 Where it has kissed forgotten waves 
 
 And still it saves 
 
 Caresses for the brow of this fair Night. 
 
 And now my thoughts take flight 
 
 To the white 
 
 Sands on Anastasia Isle 
 
 With the smile 
 
 Of the same moon on old Mantanzas Bay, 
 
 Where the same ripples play 
 
 The same 
 
 Game 
 
 With each delighted ray ! 
 
 And so, I say, 
 
 Mantanzas and Biscayne 
 
 Remain 
 
 In memory Queens of Night! 
 
 Twin Sisters of Delight 
 
 A sight 
 
 Fit to feast the eye 
 
 Of the gods, for try 
 
 Where you may, 
 
 Biscayne or Mantanzas Bay 
 
 Under a tropic moon 
 
 With the world-old tune 
 
 Of the distant sea 
 
 For an accompanying melody. 
 
 Is the 
 
 Ultimate in Beauty, and no gleaming star 
 
 Is so far 
 
MIAMI 81 
 
 Away 
 
 That it cannot play 
 
 Its part 
 
 In Nature's fairest Panorama of Art. 
 
 Hail! Miami! Hail! and good-by! 
 
 And, with a passing sigh, 
 
 Hail, St. Augustine! 
 
 Queen 
 
 Of Matanzas Bay! 
 
 Hail and farewell — until another day. 
 
MR. EIDEL WEISS 
 
 I met him one evening In the lounge of the Al- 
 cazar In St. Augustine. 
 
 He talked and I listened. And so the evening 
 wore on. 
 
 I am py birth A Sviss chentleman py der name of 
 Weiss. Ven I vas qvlte young In der age I hat 
 such a hesitation In my ambition dot many peoples 
 t'ought I vas der laziest boy In our commune. I 
 t'Ink dot Is der reason vy my fadder christened me 
 py der name of Eldel. He set dot for laziness I 
 vas der flower of der family so he called me Eldel 
 Weiss. 
 
 But I ofercrew dis pleasant disease owing to a 
 bunch of seasickness I ackvlred ven I emigranted to 
 dIs country on a steamship vich dit a nautical shimmy 
 all der vay from Havre to der Hook of Sandy. 
 
 It Is now forty years since I came py dIs glorious 
 land of der Stars and Strikes, bud to dIs day venefer 
 I catch a gllmpus of der ocean I lean ofer to der 
 north-vest und mit strange noises In my t'roat I begin 
 vigvagging for a doctor. 
 
 Since I am py dIs country I haf played many parts 
 in der pannermama ve call Life. Falrst I vas der 
 assistant floorvalker mIt a plumber und it vas dare 
 
 82 
 
MR. EIDELWEISS 88 
 
 I learned how beautiful and eggsclting is der idea 
 of highway robbery. 
 
 From den on it vas der ambition of my young life 
 to make a name for myself in der highway robbery 
 pitzness, so I studied und studied und finefully my 
 ambition vas sterilized und I became a head vaiter. 
 
 All I hat to do vas to make a low bow to a lot 
 of veil-dressed peoples, und if dey hat der courage to 
 slip me a cubble of dollars I vould point dem at a 
 table und let dem battle mit der menu card, because 
 none but der brafe deserf der bill of fare. 
 
 As der poet says it, "All der vorld's a stage und 
 eferybody vants to be der stage driver." Vich is 
 true, bud only a few know how to handle der reins. 
 It ain't der vay you crack der vip, it's der vay you 
 steer your horses dot gets you vare you vish to vent 
 in dis vorld. 
 
 A head vaiter mit a pleasant smile and a keen 
 knowletch of polite robbery can get far ouid on der 
 road to riches eggspecially if he has a chack-knife 
 attachments between der collar-bone und der sub- 
 basement vich permissions him to bow politefully for 
 eight hours a day mitouid losing der smile vich goes 
 mit it. 
 
 Und so it aind long before my leedle bank account 
 crew und crew und efery night I vould go home mit 
 der spoils und say my prayers to Jesse James. 
 
 Und ven it came time to buy Liperty Bonds I vas 
 able to go ouid und pick up an armful big enough to 
 paper t'ree rooms in our apartment. 
 
 As der poet says it, "Dem dot has — gits." Und 
 nefer vas a truer vord spoken from der chest ouid. 
 
84 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 Holding up a train has der disatvantagement of cli- 
 mate und perhaps der moon ain't right on a t'ick 
 fog might come und spoil der toot assemble or some- 
 ding. Bud ven a veil-meaning head vaiter stands 
 smiling in front of a money-lined chentlemans mit a 
 desire in his heart to get a table near der chazz band 
 so he can vatch der vimmens shaking deir camosoles 
 it is der biggest skinch vich has yet been discofered 
 by der Columbuses of Graft. 
 
 Veil, anyvay, after being at der Rich Hotel for 
 a cubble of years, und hafing made Captain Kitt und 
 der price privateers und Robert Hood und Richard 
 Dick Vittington und Americus Vesuvius und all dem 
 udder pirates look like a flock of Sunday school boys 
 I got a idea in der head und I vent home to speak 
 abouid it to Mrs. Eidel Weiss, because I always in- 
 sult her abouid everyt'ing. 
 
 "Mrs. Eidel Weiss, my dear," I set to her, **I 
 haf an idea!" 
 
 "Really," she responded, mit a scornful up-turn- 
 ing of der eyebrows. "Is it annoying you mit much 
 pain or does it took der formation of a fever? An 
 idea in your head, my dear Eidel, is in der same po- 
 sition as a stranger in a strange land und ve must 
 be kind mit strangers. Leave us approach mit cau- 
 tion dis idea vich py some mistake has strayed into 
 your head. It may be timid und stampede und leave 
 feet-tracks all ofer your brain, is it not so, Eidel?" 
 
 You know, efer since I took all my safings and 
 financialed a munitions factory during der var and 
 made myself a fortune, Mrs. Eidel Weiss has been 
 afflictioned mit sarcasm of der langvitch. She gets 
 
MR. EIDELWEISS 85 
 
 dis habit from a friend of hers by der name of Mrs. 
 Muffin vich has a husband vich made a fortune ven 
 he inventioned a paper match dot breaks in two at 
 der fishological moment ven you vish to Hght your 
 cigar In a hurry. Mrs. Muffin is vot der French 
 call a nouveau-riche — vich means a fresh rich. 
 
 A fresh rich is a person vich gets good money 
 faster den dey get good manners. 
 
 Mrs. Muffin believes in sarcasting her langvitch 
 ven speaking mit her husband und der udder serv- 
 ants in der house, und Mrs. Weiss, vich is alvays on 
 der lookould for somet'ing new In household amuse- 
 ments, has introductioned dis idea In our home mit 
 der result dot der servants vich formally became olt 
 und gray in our service py spending nearly a veek 
 mit us now leave like der trains from New York for 
 Phlllymadelphia — every hour on der hour. 
 
 Veil, anyvay, ven Mrs. Weiss sarcasticated me I 
 responsed her briefly, *'Voman,'^ I set, ''many ideas 
 get In my head und many Ideas get ould again. A 
 man's brain is like a railroad station vich Is no good 
 mit all going ould and nothing coming in. A vise 
 man's brain should be like a reception committee 
 und should shake hands und smile at efery idea dot 
 comes up to it. If you doan'd Hke der idea after 
 you smile at it, awoid it der next time. Bud, voman, 
 my dear, ven a person gets der notion In her head 
 dot sarcasting her husband Is vun of der keenest of 
 Indoor sports den her brain vlll soon become like 
 Tennyson's cook — vich Is leaving forefer." 
 
 Mrs. Weiss yust looked at me, gulped a cubble 
 of times und fell backvards und subsidized veakly 
 
86 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 on der sofa, breathing deeply through her nose, 
 beaten, crushed, vounded to der heart, but cured of 
 her sarcastlcalness^ — for der time being. 
 
 "Vot, Eldel," she set after a slight silence, "Vot 
 IS dis nice idea vich has moofed into der nice fur- 
 nished room under your nice roof — tell me, Eidel, 
 please!" 
 
 *'Voman, my dear," I set, "I vas now rich enough 
 to say dot money ain'd eferyding in dis vorld — und 
 believe it is true ven I say it. A lot of men spend 
 der best part of deir lives getting rich und der rest 
 of deir lives holding on to it. Und den all of a sud- 
 dent dot old rascal called Death comes along, picks 
 deir pockets, snatches deir bankroll und sends dem 
 on a long woyage midouid a penny to bless demselfs 
 mit — so vot is der use ? Now, Voman, my dear, my 
 idea is dis. I vill gif up working und make myself 
 into a retirement, und mit der childrens ve vill trafel, 
 und trafel und see der vorld. In der vinter time ve 
 vill go to Florida und vish ve vas in California. Der 
 next vinter ve vill go to California und vish ve vas 
 in Florida. In der summer for a leedle vile ve vill go 
 to der Catskin Mountains und for annuder leedle 
 vile ve vill go py Newport und see der bare skins in 
 der svim. In udder vords, Voman, my dear, ve vill 
 enchoy der money dot I made vile ve vas liflng, be- 
 cause aftervards if I take gold mit me to vun place 
 dey vill use it to make streets, und if I take my paper 
 money to der udder place it vill burn — so vot's der 
 use? Dare, Voman, my dear, is der big idea! I 
 vill make a retirement from der pizness of making 
 
MR. EIDELWEISS 87 
 
 money under false expenses, und ve vill trafel und 
 see der vorld!" 
 
 Mrs. Weiss yust looked at me und set, "Who vill 
 ve get to bring der trunks up ouid of der basement?" 
 
 Can you beat such? 
 
 Here I haf made der most important epochs of 
 my life. I haf t'rown oferboard mit vun fell soup 
 all der additions of a lifetime; I haf cut der cable 
 vich anchors me to der bed rock of easy money and 
 my wife calmfully inkvires who vill bring der trunks 
 up from der basement ! 
 
 Ain't dot a vimmens? 
 
COME YE BACK! 
 
 ''Those who once get the sand of St. Augustine in 
 their shoes and stray away into far lands will ever 
 after have a longing in their hearts to return to the 
 Ancient Town.'^ — Indian Legend. 
 
 I 
 
 I am weary of the City 
 
 And the never-ceasing beat 
 Of the hurried onward trampling 
 
 Of a hundred thousand feet; 
 And my thoughts turn always Southward 
 
 To that spot so far away 
 Where the breezes through the palm trees 
 
 Make them beckon me and say, 
 "Come ye back and rest beneath us! 
 
 Come ye back, now don't refuse!" 
 O the sand of old St. Augustine 
 
 Is surely in my shoes! 
 
 II 
 
 I am standing on the ramparts 
 Of the Fort so grimly gray 
 88 
 
COMEYEBACK! 89 
 
 Where the breezes romp, then scurry 
 
 Over blue Matanzas Bay; 
 And I'm gazing off to seaward 
 
 Where the distant breakers roar, 
 And they murmur while caressing 
 
 Anastasia's lovely shore, 
 "Come ye back again and watch us! 
 
 Come ye back, now don't refuse!" 
 O the sand of old St. Augustine 
 
 Is surely in my shoes. 
 
 Ill 
 
 I am strolling in the sunlight 
 
 Through the street of George the Saint 
 With its overhanging balconies 
 
 And buildings queerly quaint; 
 There a mocking bird is singing 
 
 In a cage above a door, 
 And in memory I hear him 
 
 Trilling sweetly o'er and o'er, 
 "Come ye back again and listen! 
 
 Com -e back, now don't refuse!" 
 O thf of old St. Augustine 
 
 P .urely in my shoes. 
 
 IV 
 
 I'm lounging in the Swimming Pool, 
 Where Youth in muscle grows. 
 
90 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 Where "Forrest" goes "a-snagglng" 
 
 With his glasses on his nose; 
 Where the "Judge" with jokes is present — 
 
 Also "Apple," "Mills" and "Dike," 
 And I seem to hear a whisper 
 
 From a tiny little tyke, 
 "Come ye back again, applaud us! 
 
 Come ye back, now don't refuse!" 
 O the sand of old St. Augustine 
 
 Is surely In my shoes. 
 
 On the Highway out to Hastings, 
 
 Where the grand "peraties" are, 
 I am riding with "Bob" Stephens 
 
 In his nifty jaunting car; 
 Brown and Felkel mark the miles off 
 
 As we gayly speed along, 
 And methinks I'm sure and certain 
 
 This the burden of their song, 
 "Come ye back, come back, you're welcome I 
 
 Come ye back, now don't refuse !" 
 O the sand of old St. Augustine 
 
 Is surely in my shoes. 
 
 VI 
 
 I am dreaming in the Plaza 
 
 When the Dark hath fallen down 
 
COMEYEBACK! 91 
 
 And the peace of other ages 
 
 Settles o'er the sleeping town; 
 Southern stars are brightly gleaming 
 
 And the NIght-wInds pasing by, 
 Crooning gently, crooning softly, 
 
 'Round about me pause and sigh, 
 "Come ye back! come back and rest ye I 
 
 Come ye back, now don't refuse!" 
 O the sand of old St. Augustine 
 
 Is surely in my shoes. 
 
 VII 
 
 Years and years may roll between us 
 
 And it may be Fate's decree 
 That those kindly, smiling faces 
 
 Nevermore In Life I'll see; 
 But while Mem'ry lives I'll picture 
 
 Waving palms that beckon me. 
 And the wild birds to my heart shall 
 
 Ever sing this melody, 
 "Come ye back, come back among us! 
 
 Come ye back, now don't refuse!'* 
 O the sand of old St. Augustine 
 
 Is surely in my shoes. 
 
THE BOOK OF RO TARY 
 
 In St. Augustine — in the oldest house in the old- 
 est city in our new world oftentimes have I browsed 
 amongst the relics of by-gone days, and pondered 
 thereon. 
 
 It may be that on this particular occasion within 
 those memory-haunted walls I dreamed, but dream- 
 ing or waking methought I came upon an ancient 
 tome — a book, mildewed with age, finger-printed by 
 the passing of innumerable years and thumb-marked 
 by antiquity. 
 
 Dreaming or waking, I marked it well, for I re- 
 member almost its every word, and those words I 
 shall set down herewith and await the honor of your 
 perusal. 
 
 The title oage of this ancient book read in this 
 wise : 
 
 **Ye Booke of Ro Tary which ye same hath been 
 translated from ye Jiieroglyphics on ye ancient 
 toomhes of ye Kings in Egypt and is herewith made 
 into ye Englishe language by Brother Sebastian, 
 Anno Domino, Seventeen Hundred and Sixty-Four^ 
 
 Then followed on the next page the introduction 
 to the original ^'Book" which had been written upon 
 
 - 92 
 
THE BOOK OF RO TARY 93 
 
 stone by an Egyptian historian when the second Ra- 
 meses was a child in arms. 
 
 And I, Geor, the Scribe, have collected these 
 thoughts and I have graven them upon stone hard 
 by the Temple of Isis. 
 
 And I have put these thought upon stone and they 
 shall abide here near the great market place so that 
 those who run may read and give heed thereto. 
 
 And many wise men in Egypt have already drawn 
 nigh and have signified their approval. 
 
 And they are known to be wise men and there are 
 none wiser in all Egypt, from the Pyramids, which 
 are now building, to the remotest boundary. 
 
 And these men are by name the following: 
 
 Jon Gan Non, who doth make a great light to 
 illumine our homes and when the bill doth come for- 
 ward for this illumination many are those who do 
 protest wrongfully at its enormity with much froth- 
 ing at the mouth. 
 
 Jo Rah Ner, who holdeth in the hollow of his 
 hand all travel on the banks of the Nile, and if thou 
 kickest because thou hast drawn an upper when thou 
 wisheth a lower berth he will tell thee where thou 
 gettest off. 
 
 Geob Assett, who standeth high in the favor of 
 Rameses, the King, as a prophet of the law, and who 
 will one day be a Grand Vizier in Lower Egypt. 
 
 Char Les Young, who hath a kindly soul and 
 who doth keep a caravansary hard by the fortifica- 
 tions where in the shadow of his friendly smile voy- 
 
94/ IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 ageurs may rest a weary head save only when they 
 are disturbed by motor boats upon the Nile. 
 
 Xav Ier Lo Pez, who hath a surprising bazaar 
 hard by the water front, whence go many purchasers, 
 even from distant Nineveh, and Babylon and Pa- 
 latka. 
 
 JiMiNG Ra Ham, who hath land to sell thee to suit 
 thine every purpose, and if thou hast no purpose he 
 will sell it thee anyway. 
 
 Gassow Ayla Mar, he who is high in finance and 
 hath the treasures of Rameses in his keeping and 
 hath also that which few High Treasurers possess, 
 a kind and courtly manner the which he has con- 
 stantly with him and locks it never in his vaults. 
 
 BoBST Ephens, who doth supply with food the 
 dwellers in the Palace, aye, even doth he send food 
 to those who live in tents, and is ever in high es- 
 teem. 
 
 O Tis Bar Nes, who doth wager with thee large 
 sums of money that plagues of fire shall not burn 
 thy bungalows and neither shall plagues of grass- 
 hoppers destroy the breakfast food growing in thy 
 fields, and if, peradventure, he is in error then doth 
 he pay thee promptly. 
 
 Alb Ert Wal Ker, whose reward shall be great 
 when Cometh the final allotment, for he ministers 
 to those who walk in darkness and he is their staff 
 to lean upon. 
 
 Fredhend Er Ich, who draweth for thee the 
 symbols of thy future habitation and who buildeth 
 it for thee and when thou movest in thou findest it 
 ever as thou specified and he remaineth thy friend. 
 
THEBOOKOFROTARY 95 
 
 MuR Ray Sea Gears, who is the physician ex- 
 traordinary to Rameses, the King, and is a man of 
 great skill who goeth among the poor with cooling 
 hands to allay their fever even as he goeth among 
 the rich. 
 
 Claren Cela Mont, who is a tamer of devil- 
 waggons and who doth look the deadly six-cylinder 
 in the eye without fear or trembling. 
 
 Ol Lief Ant, who will transport thee across the 
 Nile in his red barouches even unto the abode of 
 the crocodiles, and who sendeth parchments abroad 
 with many frozen figures thereon, but whose kindly 
 eye gives no man the ice-house glare. 
 
 Fran Kpar Ker, who when the plague of blow- 
 outs falleth upon thee and maketh thee tired, will 
 tire thee over and over again until thou art tired 
 of being tired, whereupon he will cause thy battery 
 to be recharged and thou shalt rejoice. 
 
 Clau Des Mith, who hath a fancy bazaar where 
 the ladies of the court of Rameses are wont to sit by 
 the hour, pricing this and pricing that and finding 
 great pleasure in pawing the precious silks, but pur- 
 chasing infrequently. 
 
 Hen Ry Hankb Rown, who compileth the day's 
 doing and layeth all these before Rameses at even- 
 tide ; who is known in both Upper and Lower Egypt 
 as a goodly scout with an earnest desire to serve his 
 people, an unsullied appetite and a splendid Record. 
 
 Herbf El Kel, who is also a Scribe and who 
 hath a wit so nimble that it is even as a whirling 
 dervish in a Joseph's coat of many colors dancing 
 in the sunlight; and with a stencil on papyrus he 
 
90 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 prints many quaint thoughts and lays these before 
 Rameses, whereupon the King laugheth immoder- 
 ately, and exclaimeth, "Herbf El Kel, of a verity, 
 thou art a case! Why does a chicken — ha, ha, ha, 
 ha ! Thou hast made my sides to ache and for this 
 thy name shall be spread even as a pleasant smile 
 over all of Egypt. Why does a chicken — ha, ha, ha, 
 ha!— Oh, boy!" 
 
 And these are the wise men of Egypt and they 
 are my friends and they are witness that I have 
 graven upon stone the words which hereinafter fol- 
 loweth : 
 
 And this is the Book of Ro Tary. 
 
 And in these days there are Giants and they dwell 
 in that which is called Ro Tary. 
 
 And Ro Tary is built upon a High Spot in the 
 Land of Endeavor. 
 
 And those who dwell In Ro Tary are men of clear 
 vision and they are concerned *with the Future of 
 all things. 
 
 And in Ro Tary they worship a goddess named 
 Truth. 
 
 And this goddess named Truth is ever a partner 
 in their business enterprises, and It is she who makes 
 them to flourish even as a bay tree. 
 
 And those who fall to lay sacrifices at the feet 
 of the goddess named Truth, and who cease to do 
 her homage, find themselves full soon far from Ro 
 Tary, and they go to live in barren lands and are dis- 
 consolate. 
 
 And there is a budding vine In Ro Tary and from 
 this, vine is extracted the Milk of Human Kindness. 
 
THE BOOK OF RO TARY 97 
 
 And in Ro Tary this Milk of Fluman Kindness 
 is the favorite beverage. 
 
 And there are no cows, neither is there any bull 
 in Ro Tary. 
 
 And there are feast days in Ro Tary and those 
 who dwell therein sit them down to that which is 
 called a Lun Cheon. 
 
 And at that which is called a Lun Cheon there are 
 many viands and those who dwell in Ro Tary say 
 one unto the other, "Let us eat, drink and make 
 merry for with the passing of the hour we shall be 
 back in our counting houses!" 
 
 And at these Lun Cheons in Ro Tary they par- 
 take of the Mince of the Chicken, and the Mash of 
 the Potato and the Stew of the Corn, and they make 
 merry, mentioning in kindly manner one and an- 
 other's foibles. 
 
 And even as they eat the Mash of the Potato 
 and the Stew of the Corn their ears are attuned to 
 catch such words of wisdom as may fall from their 
 neighbor's lips. 
 
 And those who dwell in Ro Tary are ever kind 
 to the Stranger within their Gates, and they bid him 
 also to be present at their Lun Cheon. 
 
 And the Stranger within their Gates is enthroned 
 and made much of. 
 
 And willing hands crowd upon his plate the Mince 
 of the Chicken and the Stew of the Corn, and honest 
 voices make him a royal welcome. 
 
 And when the moments of mastication are over 
 the Stranger within the Gates is invited to speak 
 briefly, for the dwellers in Ro Tary are ever eager 
 
98 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 to gaze upon the precious stones of thought which 
 strangers from far lands sometimes carry with them. 
 
 And if, peradventure, the Stranger prove himself 
 to be that which is called an Onion, and orates pom- 
 pously for that length of time which is called inter- 
 minable, and utters no precious stones of thought 
 save only those which concern himself and his man- 
 servants and his maid-servants and his oxen and his 
 asses, then do those who dwell in Ro Tary show the 
 gentleness of their breeding, for they throw at the 
 Stranger none of that which is called the Stew of the 
 Corn, neither do they hurl in his direction the Sliver 
 of the Pie. 
 
 And when the Stranger hath fully explained that 
 he is a self-made man and hath produced all the 
 original blue-prints, and hath told how proud he is of 
 his own achievement in subtracting nothing from 
 nothing and having one to carry, and hath sat him 
 down in his pride, and hath ceased from troubling, 
 then do those who dwell in Ro Tary applaud him 
 loudly and with shining eyes, for such is the good- 
 ness in their hearts that they will swat no one who 
 partakes of Lun Cheon with them, save only the 
 flies. 
 
 And there is no Deceit in Ro Tary, for long be- 
 fore the Stranger had arrived they drank deep of 
 their favorite beverage which is the Milk of Hu- 
 man Kindness, and they were prepared for any 
 emergency, even unto the uttermost. 
 
 And they have a Song in Ro Tary, and that Song 
 is not written in flats, neither is it written in sharps, 
 but is sung ever in that key which is called b-natural. 
 
THE BOOK OF RO TARY 99 
 
 And this Is the Song they sing In Ro Tary : 
 
 Let the green grass grow 
 
 All around, all around; 
 Let the old rain softly fall; 
 
 Let the flowers spring up 
 
 From the ground, from the ground; 
 Let the wild birds sweetly call. 
 
 There is sun enough 
 To shine for us all. 
 If we don't 
 
 Stand hack in the shade; 
 There is joy galore 
 
 For every man — 
 // not — 
 
 Then more will he made 
 
 By the Ro Ro Ro Ro Rotary! 
 
 (By the Ro! By the Ro! By the Ro!) 
 To Smiles be a Vo Vo Votary — 
 
 (Letter go! Letter go! Letter go!) 
 If Grouch wants to sell you 
 
 Melancholy or the Blues 
 Kick him out of your office, 
 
 Put some Pep in your Shoes — 
 Get a Smile on your face. 
 
 Keep it there and Enthuse 
 With the Ro! 
 With the Ro! 
 
 With theRo! Ro! Ro! 
 With the Ro Ro Ro Ro Rotary! 
 
100 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 And those who dwell In Ro Tary are of a keen 
 perception, albeit they frolic betimes as becometh 
 all wise men, yet do they frivol never. 
 
 And they are not that which Is called a Club and 
 which hath for Its foundation the shifting sands of 
 sociability; rather are they a Blessing to the Com- 
 munity, for they are steadfast In the Right. 
 
 And those who dwell In Ro Tary are Argus-eyed, 
 and each eye searcheth out only that which Is for 
 the general good of the Commonweal. 
 
 And there are dreamers of dreams In Ro Tary 
 and there are also magicians who turn those dreams 
 Into glorious realities, and In this manner are the 
 eternal verities observed. 
 
 And they have Laws In Ro Tary and these Laws 
 are the Keystone in their triumphal arch of Success. 
 
 And these are their Laws ; 
 
 Thou shalt not worship money, but thou shalt 
 hold It In high esteem lest In the midst of Assets 
 thou art in Liabilities. 
 
 II 
 
 Thou shalt remember that fair-dealing is thy chief 
 stock In trade, and when thou runneth out of fair- 
 dealing thou also runneth out of business. 
 
 Ill 
 
 Thou shalt not kill the smile upon thy neighbor's 
 face. 
 
THE BOOK OF RO TARY 101 
 IV 
 
 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's jitney, nor his 
 talking machine, nor his wife's ability to brew un- 
 sanctlfied beer in their private catacombs, for he 
 who findeth time to covet is a loafer, and he who 
 loafeth hath discovered the pathway to Oblivion. 
 
 Thou shalt not steal thy neighbor's thunder. 
 Rather shalt thou manufacture thine own thunder, 
 for the Heavens are wide and there is room therein 
 for every Big Noise. 
 
 VI 
 
 Thou shalt honor thy name and thy Promissory 
 Note that thy days may be long in the Land of 
 Business. 
 
 VII 
 
 Thou shalt remember the Lun Cheon day and 
 keep it wholly in mind, for on that day thou shalt 
 exchange ideas one with another and be comforted. 
 
 VIII 
 
 Thou shalt not be a seeker after Easy Money, for 
 he who seeketh Easy Money is a follower of the 
 Will o' the Wisp which leadeth ever into the 
 Swamps of Despair. 
 
102 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 
 
 IX 
 
 Thou shalt view thy services to thy Community 
 as a pleasurable burden, and thou shalt not find this 
 burden heavy, neither shalt thou drop this burden 
 until thin eyes are dimmed by age and thy body 
 weary in well-doing. 
 
 X 
 
 Thou shalt put thine own business first, but if thy 
 Community calleth thee then shalt thou make an- 
 swer and say, "The first shall be last," and doing 
 this thou shalt be a precept to thy neighbor and a 
 lamp to his feet. 
 
 THE END 
 
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