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Class _P5_3_5jQ3 
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 COPYRIGHT DEPOSm 
 
A ROYAL CINCH 
 
 91 farce Cometip in €fu*ee %Ltt$ 
 
 BY 
 
 FRANK H. BERNARD 
 
 AUTHOR OF " PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE " 
 
 Copyright, 1910, by Dick & Fitzgerald 
 
 tff 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 DICK & FITZGERALD 
 
 18 ANN STREET 
 
P535-02, 
 
 A ROYAL CINCH, 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 Jack Eyeri,y , In love with Edith. 
 
 Cinch A colored waiter. 
 
 Mrs. Araminta Fairi^ovk .A widow with aspirations. 
 
 Edith Fairlove. . . „ . . Her daughter, in love with Jack. 
 
 JESSIE Dare , An up-to-date parlor maid. 
 
 Time. — The present. 
 
 Locality. — A villa residence near New York. 
 
 Time of Representation. — About one hour. 
 
 Note. — Time may be extended by the introduction of specialties 
 by the performers. 
 
 (gGLD 17905 
 
A Royal Cinch, 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 
 Act I. — The matrimonial advertisement and its conse- 
 quences. " What ! A real King ! " " Where in the world 
 is Bing Bong?" Jack's nose out of joint. Edith's forced 
 submission. Jack's persistence and stratagem. Jack's sud- 
 den inheritance. Jessie's immaculate nerve. Preparations 
 for Jack's plot. A Cinch. 
 
 Act II. — Jessie mad clean through. Development of the 
 plot. " Daughter, you'll be Queen of Bing Bong." Dis- 
 missal of Jack. " Good-bye, Edith." Accident in the 
 kitchen. Arrival of the King and his Secretary. " A chair 
 for his Highness." " What ! A negro ! Out of my house at 
 once ! " " What a mistake ! " Jessie discloses Cinch's dis- 
 guise. Alas, poor Cinch! 
 
 Act III. — Success of the plot. Mrs. Fairlove relents. Her 
 letter to Jack. " Will he forgive me ? " Jack all right. 
 Jessie's wonderful painting. Settlements, rewards and hap- 
 piness. 
 
 COSTUMES. 
 
 Mrs. Fairlove. — Handsomely dressed in middle age style, 
 black or dark gown, widow's lawn cap, black lace mittens. 
 
 Edith. — Light, fancy silk waist, dark skirt. 
 
 Jessie. — Neat calico dress of light pattern, skirt rather 
 short, short sleeves; small white frilled apron, with little 
 frilled pockets; small, round piece of lace with ribbon bow 
 on top of head, white stockings, low shoes. 
 
 Jack. — -Dark walking suit. For disguise as Secretary, 
 long black robe with loose sleeves, worn over his suit; 
 spectacles; wig and beard to make disguise effective. 
 
 Cinch. — Black face, plain waiter costume. For disguise 
 as king, yellow Prince Albert coat buttoned up, loose 
 trousers; large gilt paper star and silver paper crescent on 
 left breast, several large rings on fingers. 
 
 PROPERTIES. 
 
 Lot of letters, several handfuls of beans, parcels, flour, 
 wineglass, siphon or squirt, feather duster, slap-stick, for 
 Jessie. Letter, handkerchief for Cinch. Coin, greenbacks 
 (stage money) for Jack. Bell for off stage. 
 
4 A Royal Cinch. 
 
 STAGE DIRECTIONS. 
 
 As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience, 
 c. means center of stage; r. right hand; l. left hand; r. c. 
 right of center, l. c. left of center; c. d. door in center of 
 flat; up, toward rear; down, toward the footlights, r. 2 e., 
 entrance at right hand of stage ;l. 2 e. entrance at left hand; 
 X-es, crosses, and X-ing, crossing the stage; X, cross over. 
 
A ROYAL CINCH. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 Act I. — Handsomely furnished parlor in Mrs. Fairlove's 
 home. Sofa r. Table l. a, chair l. of table. Doors at 
 CD.; and r. 2 e. At rise of curtain, bell outside rings 
 vigorously. 
 
 ENTER Jessie door r. 2 e. 
 
 Jessie. Coming! Coming! Dear me, how impatient 
 some people are! I really believe they think we maids have 
 nothing to do but answer calls! (c.) If I had my way 
 about things here, I'd muzzle that bell and let them pull 
 away until their arms were sore! (Bell rings again) Com- 
 ing! Coming! [EXIT c. d. 
 
 ENTER Mrs. Fairlove, door l. 2 e. and X-ing up to c. d. 
 
 Mrs. F. It must be the postman! And such a vigorous 
 ring evidently signifies an unusual amount of mail! (Com- 
 ing down to table l.) I wonder if my advertisement in the 
 matrimonial paper will prove an investment of value? I 
 sincerely trust so, for it is my intention that when Edith 
 marries it shall be to sl man who bears some mark of dis- 
 tinction! Jack Everly will do very well for a girl whose 
 heart is fancy free, but when so serious a matter as mar- 
 riage is to be considered, I shall make it my business to 
 have something to say in the matter! (Sits at table L.) 
 
 ENTER Jessie, c. d., carrying a lot of letters. 
 
 Jessie. That postman is the limit, sure! 
 
 Mrs. F. What do you mean? 
 
 Jessie (placing letters on table). He says that when a 
 private mail reaches such astounding figures as this one, 
 it's always a sign there's something doing! 
 
 Mrs. F. What impudence! I shall report him at head- 
 quarters! Did you get his number? 
 
 5 
 
6 A Royal Cinch. 
 
 Jessie. I only got the mail, mum! And I ain't counted 
 them yet to see what the number is! 
 
 Mrs. Fairlove. I mean, did you notice the number on his 
 hat? 
 
 Jessie. No. It took all my time to watch his hands! 
 Shall I call him back? {Starting toward c. d.) 
 
 Mrs. R No. Instead, you may go and tell my daughter 
 that I wish to speak to her at once! 
 
 Jessie. Yes, mum. (Crosses to r. 2 e. aside) I wonder 
 if she's going to take in boarders! A bunch of letters 
 like that certainly means something. [EXITS door r. 2 e. 
 
 Mrs. F. (examining letters). Yes! As I expected! All 
 in answer to my ad. (Opens letter and reads) " Dear 
 Madam, I am a man of small means and large heart — " 
 (Looks up) Humph! Number one is positively unavail- 
 able! Small means and large hearts signify love in a 
 cottage most decidedly. (Opens another and reads) "Dear 
 Madam, I love your daughter — " (Looks up) Indeed! this 
 one is certainly presumptuous! The idea of loving my 
 daughter even before he has laid eyes on her! (Throws 
 letter down) Evidently a fortune hunter! (Opens another 
 letter and reads) " Dear Madam, I salute you. I am a 
 monarch of royal blood — " (Looks up) What is this! A 
 monarch of royal blood. Can it be possible that even Kings 
 bow to the allurements of a matrimonial ad? (Reads) "I 
 am anxious to take unto myself a wife, and not knowing 
 whose wife to take — " (Looks up) What's this ! (Reads) I 
 offer you my heart and hand, and am willing to throw in my 
 Kingdom, together with the family jewels and gold as well, 
 in consideration of having an American girl for my Queen! 
 As I am now in your city I will call on you Thursday at four 
 p. M. when I hope to be presented to the lady in question. 
 Again I salute you, Madam, and beg to remain respectfully, 
 Hokus Pokus, Emperor of Bing Bong! " (Looks up) Good 
 gracious! Can I believe my eyes! A real King! And he 
 is anxious to marry Edith! (Rising) What a stroke of 
 luck! My daughter a Queen! and I — heavens! how the 
 neighbors will envy me! 
 
 ENTER Edith, door r. 2 e. 
 
 Edith. Did you send for me, mamma? 
 Mrs. F. Yes. Edith, I have news for you I 
 
 Edith. News! Is Jack coming 
 
 Mrs. F. You will kindly refrain from mentioning Mr. 
 Everly's name to me! I have found a husband for you! 
 
A Royal Cinch. 7 
 
 Edith. A husband! I do not understand! I thought 
 Jack was 
 
 Mrs. F. You are right, my child— Jack was — but is no 
 longer! I have decided to make you a Queen! 
 
 Edith. Queen! What is the matter, mamma? Are you 
 ill? 
 
 Mrs. F. Far from it ! I never felt better in my life ! I 
 repeat, Edith, you are to become a Queen! 
 
 Edith (going up). Poor dear mamma! I think I had 
 better send for the Doctor! 
 
 Mrs. F. You will kindly reserve that decision until after 
 I have explained the matter more fully. 
 
 Edith (coming down). Then you are not ill? 
 
 Mrs. F. Do I look as if I was suffering from 
 
 Edith. Looks are deceptive you know. 
 
 Mrs. F. Possibly. But not in my case. Now listen. 
 To-day, I have received an offer for your hand from a 
 potentate of considerable importance. This person is none 
 other than Hokus Pokus, the Emperor of Bing Bong! 
 
 Edith. The Emperor of Bing Bong! (Laughs) Is this 
 a joke, mamma ? 
 
 Mrs. F. You will find it a serious joke, my dear. The 
 Emperor is to call here to-morrow for my answer? 
 
 Edith. Where in the world is Bing Bong? I've never 
 heard of such a country, miamma! 
 
 Mrs. F. Good gracious, my child, how careless you are! 
 Everybody knows that the island of Bing Bong is situated 
 off the — off the — er 
 
 Edith. It strikes me that your mental capacity is also 
 below the hundred mark. To be candid, mamma, I do not 
 believe that this Kingdom of yours exists! 
 
 Mrs. F. There you are wrong, my dear, for here is the 
 letter from his Highness which I have just received in the 
 morning's mail. Bead it yourself and be convinced. (Pass- 
 ing Edith letter. Edith reads letter aloud) Well, what 
 have you to say now? 
 
 Edith. I still believe it to be a huge joke, and the 
 perpetrator none other than some friend who knows your 
 foolish ambitions regarding my future welfare! 
 
 Mrs. F. Ridiculous! The letter is genuine, and the 
 King himself will be here to-morrow to interview me relative 
 to my permission for you to become his wife! 
 
 Edith. Admitting then that this letter is genuine, have 
 you decided the course which you intend pursuing? 
 
 Mrs. F. I have. Edith, as your mentor in affairs of this 
 
8 A Royal Cineh. 
 
 kind, I should at least be credited with superior judgment. 
 If by wedding this King, it means fame and position for 
 you, is it not better for you than throwing your future 
 away on such a worthless fellow as Jack Everly? 
 
 Edith. Mr. Everly is a gentleman ! 
 
 Mrs. F. Well, that's about all he can lay claim to. 
 
 Edith. Besides, you know his prospects are good! 
 
 Mrs. F. That depends wholly, my child, on just how you 
 construe the word good. To-day, he is as poor as the 
 proverbial church-mouse. If you mean by good, that his 
 chances of extricating himself from his present poverty, to 
 a position of prominence and wealth, I quite disagree with 
 you. Jack Everly is a type of pronounced good-for-nothings 
 ness, and will always remain the same! 
 
 Edith. You are cruel, mamma! My Jack is manly, 
 honest and 
 
 Mrs. F. Tour — Jack! Well, I like that! And how long 
 pray has he been your Jack? 
 
 Edith. He has always been my Jack, mamma! And 
 what is more, I shall never marry any one but him! 
 
 Mrs. F. Indeed! We will see about that, miss! (X-es 
 to r. 2 e.) Remember, you are my daughter, and that I am 
 mistress here! Jack Everly must never enter this house 
 again! [EXIT r. 2 e. 
 
 Edith. But, mamma! (Discovers Mrs. F. has gone) 
 She has gone! (Crosses to table) To hear her talk one 
 would think that Jack was a criminal. What shall I do? 
 (Sits) I love him, and he loves me! Why not elope? 
 Pshaw! That would never do, for I despise anything 
 romantic! I have it! I will resort to stratagem! Yes, 
 and Jack will help me I am sure! 
 
 ENTER Jack c. d. unseen, and comes down. 
 
 Edith. The idea of miamma's insisting that I marry this 
 King! I won't do it. Indeed I won't! 
 
 Jack. Won't what, my dear? 
 
 Edith (springing up and rushing into his arms). 
 Separate from you, Jack! 
 
 Jack. But why should we separate? 
 
 Edith. It is one of mamma's foolish ideas ! She says you 
 are poor, and 
 
 Jack. In that respect, your mother is correct. I am poor 
 in pocket, Edith, but in love, I more than atone for my 
 financial deficiency! 
 
 Edith. You will stand by me, won't you, Jack ? 
 
A Royal Cinch. 9 
 
 Jack. To the end, my dear ! But come, tell me, why this 
 sudden change in your mother's feelings toward me? 
 
 (They X to sofa and sit.) 
 
 Edith. Of late mamma has become ambitious and thinks 
 I ought to marry a man of distinction. A few days ago she 
 inserted an advertisement in a certain matrimonial paper, 
 hoping thereby to find for me a husband whose name would 
 place me in the swim of social greatness! 
 
 Jack. Excellent! And has she succeeded? 
 
 Edith. Almost! 
 
 Jack. What! 
 
 Edith. To-day, she received a letter from a certain Mr. 
 Hokus Pokus, who styles himself the Emperor of Bing Bong! 
 
 Jack. I know the fellow! 
 
 Edith. Then he really exists? 
 
 Jack. Certainly. He is a harum scarum sort of chap, 
 who rules a diminutive Kingdom somewhere off the coast 
 of Africa. His reputation is a bit off color, I understand. 
 
 Edith. Is he a — negro, Jack? 
 
 Jack. Well — I presume so, considering that his empire 
 is situated within the zone of the dark continent. 
 
 Edith. I can't marry him! 
 
 Jack. Of course you can't! And what's more, I don't 
 intend you shall! 
 
 Edith. You will help me? 
 
 Jack. When beauty is in distress, Jack Everly was never 
 known to show the white feather! 
 
 Edith. What shall we do? Mamma is so bent on my 
 becoming a Queen that she will prove a bitter foe I fear! 
 
 Jack. Leave her to me. 
 
 Edith. But the Emperor is to call here to-morrow at four ! 
 
 Jack. Call here! To-morrow at four? 
 
 Edith. So the letter stated. 
 
 Jack. The infernal wretch! I'll wring his neck off! 
 
 Edith. Isn't there an easier way of disposing of our 
 enemy than taking off his head ? That would be murder, you 
 know! 
 
 Jack. I spoke* figuratively, dear! However, we must rid 
 ourselves of this usurper, and I fear the process will prove 
 a most strenuous undertaking! 
 
 Edith. Why not resort to a diplomatic, or better still, 
 a strategic plan? 
 
 Jack. Perhaps that would be best. Let me think. 
 
io A Royal Cinch. 
 
 ENTER Jessie, r. 2 e. 
 
 Jessie (singing). "Fooling! Fooling! She is only fool- 
 ing you ! " 
 
 Jack (springing up). Excellent! Just the thing! Jessie, 
 you have given me an inspiration ! 
 
 Jessie. Is it good to eat, Mr. Everly? 
 
 Jack. Not exactly. Yet it is food for thought! 
 
 Edith (rising). What is it, Jack? 
 
 Jack. We will fool your mother! 
 
 Edith. But how? 
 
 Jack. Why er — (Sees Jessie listening) by the way, 
 Jessie, doesn't Mrs. Fairlove require your services? 
 
 Jessie. Nixey! I've just come from her. 
 
 Jack Hullo! Wasn't that the bell? 
 
 Jessie. I'm next, all right! Two is company, and three's 
 a crowd! 
 
 Edith. Jessie, how dare you! 
 
 Jessie. Sort of slips out, Miss Edith. I can't help being 
 wise occasionally. 
 
 Jack. Jessie, you are remarkably sharp! Your metaphor 
 was indeed a happy thought! Good-bye! (Turns his back 
 on her) 
 
 Jessie (aside). Gee! how chilly it is! (Sings) "Guess 
 it's time to be going! " [EXITS c. d. 
 
 Edith. She's gone. Now tell me just what you purpose, 
 Jack? 
 
 Jack. Your mother must meet this Hokus Pokus, and 
 
 Edith. But will not that spoil our chances of winning? 
 
 Jack. She must meet the King — but not the genuine 
 article ! 
 
 Edith. What do you mean? 
 
 Jack. This is my plan. There is a negro waiter down 
 at my house named Cinch. For a small consideration, I am 
 inclined to believe that I can persuade him to impersonate 
 this Hokus Pokus, and by making him follow my instructions 
 regarding his actions when in the presence of your mother, 
 I feel assured that she will become disgusted, and give her 
 consent to our marriage! 
 
 Edith. Jack, you are a treasure! (Kisses him) 
 
 Jack. Treasures are something that always remain dear 
 to us, do they not? 
 
 Edith. Yes — and you shall remain dear to me, always! 
 
 Jack. Always ? 
 
 Edith. That is — providing we win! 
 
A Royal Cinch. n 
 
 Jack. Ah! But have no fear, my love. The battle is as 
 good as won already. 
 
 ENTER Jessie, c. d. 
 
 Jessie. There's a colored individual at the door who says 
 that he would appreciate the honor of feasting his eyes upon 
 one Mr. Jack Everly. 
 
 Jack. A colored individual! Wants to see me! Did he 
 give his name? 
 
 Jessie. Sure! His name is Cinch! 
 
 Jack. Cinch! The very man! (To Edith) May I ask 
 him in? 
 
 Edith. Certainly. He is just in time to help complete 
 our plans. 
 
 Jack (io Jessie). Miss Fairlove requests that you kindly 
 escort the gentleman to this room. 
 
 Jessie. All right, Captain! I fly! (As she goes out c 
 D.) Come on in, rag-time, and join the white folks! 
 
 Jack. Jessie is blossoming into a sort of freshness that 
 bears the insignia of immaculate nerve! 
 
 Edith. She is certainly forward for one of her years. 
 
 Jack. Forward! She's the limit! 
 
 Edith. However, I think it advisable that we take her 
 into our confidence. 
 
 Jack. But she might expose us, and then all would be 
 lost! 
 
 Edith. Leave her in my hands, Jack. Remember, she is 
 one of my own sex, and who knows, there may be a little love 
 affair in her life as well. 
 
 Jack. I understand. Do as you think best in the matter. 
 You handle Jessie, and I'll bring Mr. Cinch around to our 
 way of thinking, never fear. 
 
 ENTER Jessie, c. d. 
 
 Jessie. Come on, smoke! 
 
 ENTER Cinch c. d. 
 
 Cinch. Say! Who yo' calling smoke, anyhow? My 
 name's Cinch! 
 
 Jessie. Well — it's a cinch that you're a smoke all right! 
 Edith. Jessie, where are your manners? 
 Jessie. Bunno, unless I dropped them when I went out! 
 Jack. You dropped them when you came in! 
 
iZ A Royal Cinch. 
 
 Edith (to Jack). Leave her to me! (To Jessie) 
 Follow me at once, Miss. (Crosses to R. 2 e.) I have some- 
 thing of importance to say to you! [EXITS ft. 2 e. 
 
 Jessie (X-es to r. 2 e. — looks at Cinch and sings). "Way 
 down in ma heart I got a f eelin' f o' you ! " 
 
 Cinch (singing). " Feelin' fo' me?' 
 
 Jessie (singing). " Feelin' fo' you!" 
 
 [Kicks her foot backwards at him as she EXITS. 
 
 Jack. Don't mind her, Cinch. She's not responsible. 
 
 Cinch. Eh? 
 
 Jack. I say, Jessie is not responsible for her actions. 
 Little cracked, you know. 
 
 Cinch (coming down). Dat's jes' what I thought, Marse 
 Jack. 
 
 Jack. Now tell me, what brought you here? 
 
 Cinch. Eh? 
 
 Jack. I say, what brought you here? 
 
 Cinch. Ma feet, sar! 
 
 Jack. No, no, I mean what do you want to see me for? 
 
 Cinch. Yare's a letter what come fo' yo' jes' now, and 
 seeing as how it's marked pussonal, I thought I'd brung it to 
 yo', sar! 
 
 Jack (taking letter from Cinch). Ah! Very kind of 
 you, Cinch, I must say. Here's a quarter for your trouble. 
 
 Cinch (taking money). Thankee, Marse Jack. 
 
 Jack (opens letter). Hullo! From my lawyer! (Reads) 
 " We have just learned through our English branch, that the 
 sum of twenty thousand pounds has been left you by an 
 Uncle in India. Said money to be paid to you on your 
 twenty-fifth birthday, providing you have in the mean time 
 
 married and " (Looks up) By Jove! this is luck! A 
 
 hundred thousand dollars is mine providing I have a wife ! I 
 must marry Edith at once! This is an incentive that would 
 spur any man on to victory ! Cinch ! How would you like to 
 earn twenty-five dollars? 
 
 Cinch. What yo' wants me to do, sar — kill a man? 
 
 Jack. Certainly not! But I want you to impersonate 
 one! 
 
 Cinch. Em-pus-nate! What's dat air, marse Jack? 
 
 Jack. Why er — how would you like to be a King? 
 
 Cinch. I'd rather be an ace, sar! 
 
 Jack. An ace! 
 
 Cinch. Sure! Don' an ace take de King! 
 
 Jack. You are talking about cards. I mean a real King 
 — the ruler of a country. 
 
A Royal Cinch. 13 
 
 Cinch. Urn! Urn! Not me, Marse Jack. I'se only a 
 common nigger, sar! 
 
 Jack. But if I were to make you a present of twenty-five 
 dollars, wouldn't you be willing to play the role of a King 
 for one day? Come now, think it over. Twenty-five dollars 
 is considerable money, Cinch! 
 
 Cinch. I know dat, boss. But fo' me to hold down dat 
 air King job fo' a whole day's gwine to be a mighty risky 
 thing, I reckon. 
 
 Jack. There you are wrong. It will be the easiest thing 
 in the world to do. Now listen. As you already know, 
 Miss Fairlove and myself are anxious to marry. Unfor- 
 tunately, Edith's mother objects to this union, and intends 
 to give her daughter's hand to an African King named Hokus 
 Pokus, who is coming here to-morrow. I intend to thwart 
 her in this by abducting the real King and having you take 
 his place. 
 
 Cinch. Me play Hokey Pokey! 'Scuse me, Marse Jack. 
 I'se only a two spot — I ain't none o' dem big fellers, I ain't! 
 
 Jack. It will be easy enough. I will rig you up in a 
 regal manner, and all you will have to do is appear idiotic. 
 
 Cinch. What yo' mean by dat? 
 
 Jack. Why be natural, of course. 
 
 Cinch. Does yo' think I can do it, sar? 
 
 Jack. Aren't you doing it now? (Cinch nods) Well, 
 in the role of King you will do exactly as you are doing 
 now. Bear in mind, however, my object is to disgust Mrs. 
 Fairlove, and force her to let Edith and me marry. 
 
 Cinch. Does yo' be'lebe I can disgust her? 
 
 Jack. I think so. In fact, I am sure that when she 
 looks at your face she will go into hysterics! 
 
 Cinch. What's dem hy — ster — ics — anyhow? 
 
 Jack. Why er — I mean by hysterics, that she will treat 
 you to cake and wine, and possibly call you pet names. 
 
 Cinch. Dat a fact? 
 
 Jack. Of course. Eemember, you will be a King. She 
 may be so taken with you that she will lose her head and 
 throw things at you! 
 
 Cinch. Hold on, Marse Jack. I don' 'low no one to throw 
 things at me! 
 
 Jack. You do not understand. I miean — she may throw 
 flowers, and perhaps money at you. 
 
 Cinch. Will she do dat? 
 
 Jack. Most likely. Then again she's liable to imagine 
 that you are her pet dog, and endeavor to fondle you. 
 
14 A Royal Cinch. 
 
 Cinch. I ain't no dog! 
 
 Jack. Of course not — you're only a brute. 
 
 Cinch. Dat's it — I'se a brute I is. Say, what am a brute, 
 anyhow ? 
 
 Jack. A brute, Cinch, is a protoplasmic globule. 
 
 Cinch. A pho — to — flas — is dat what I am, Marse Jack? 
 
 Jack. Certainly. 
 
 Cinch. If dat's a fact, reckon I'll take dis job. 
 
 Jack. Do you mean it? 
 
 Cinch. Deed I does, and dere's ma hand on it, sar! 
 {They shake) 
 
 Jack. Cinch, you're a brick! 
 
 Cinch. Brick! I thought I was a pho — to — flas, er, dat 
 what you say. 
 
 Jack. They are synonymous, my boy. 
 
 Cinch. Sym — om — nibus! Fo' heaven sake what yo' all 
 talking 'bout? 
 
 Jack. I mean by synonymous, that brute and brick are 
 the same thing. 
 
 Cinch. Dey don't sound de same. 
 
 Jack. They are though. Now then we must get down to 
 business. To begin with, here is a retainer for you — ten 
 dollars on account. 
 
 Cinch. Say, Marse Jack, dis yere ten makes me feel like 
 a King dis berry minute. 
 
 ENTEE Edith, r. 2 e. quickly followed by Jessie. 
 
 Edith. Quick, Jack! Mamma is coming! 
 
 Jack. Then I'm off! Everything fixed? 
 
 Edith. Yes. I have told Jessie all, and she has promised 
 us her aid. 
 
 Jack. Good! {To Jessie) Little girl, I'll not forget 
 your kindness! 
 
 Jessie. To-morrow is my birthday Mr. Everly! I hope 
 you won't forget that. 
 
 Jack. To be sure I won't! 
 
 Jessie. Will you, bang up? 
 
 Jack. Won't I though! Handsomely! 
 
 Mrs. F. (calling, off r.). Edith! Jessie! 
 
 Edith. Good-bye, Jack. May we win! 
 
 Jack (hisses her). We've got to win! Good-bye! Come 
 on, Cinch ! 
 
 Cinch (following Jack to c. d.). I'm watching yo', boss! 
 
 Jessie (throws a handful of beans at Cinch). Hail to the 
 King! 
 
A Royal Cinch. 15 
 
 Jack (at door). Jessie, you are a wizard! [EXITS c. D. 
 Cinch. No, Marse Jack, she's a blizzard! [EXIT c, D# 
 
 ENTER Mrs. F. r. 2 e. 
 
 Mrs. F. Edith, my dear — (discovers hearts on floor) 
 Hullo! what is this all over the floor? 
 
 Jessie. The same as this, mum! (Tosses up another 
 handful of beans) 
 
 Mrs. F. Jessie, how dare you! 
 
 Jessie. I'm celebrating! That's all! (Jumps on table 
 and tosses up more beans in air) All hail to the King! 
 
 Mrs. F. stands as if shocked — Edith falls on sofa laughing. 
 
 QUICK CURTAIN. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE. — Lawn of the Fairlove home. House entrance R., 
 fence at rear, gate at rear c. At rise of curtain Jessie 
 ENTERS through gate c, her arms filled with pack- 
 ages. — At same time Edith ENTERS from house r. 
 
 Edith. Did you get everything that mamma ordered? 
 
 Jessie. Don't my arms look as if I did? 
 
 Edith. Well, you need not snap me up so sharp about it! 
 
 Jessie. I'm mad ! Mad clean through — that's what I am ! 
 This errand-boy work is not suited to my taste! Why 
 couldn't the store man deliver these things and save me the 
 trouble of letting other work stand ? 
 
 Edith. You are too impetuous! You know that the 
 Emperor is coming here to-day, and mamma wishes to treat 
 him in a royal manner! 
 
 Jessie. You mean his Kinglets? 
 
 Edith. Yes. Remember, Jessie, if you help Jack and me 
 in this, I will see that you have a new dress, and a suitable 
 sum of money as well! 
 
 Jessie. Gee whiz! (Drops packages on stage) A new 
 dress! And money too! Do you mean it, Miss Edith? 
 
 Edith. Of course I do. All that will be required of you, 
 is to pay strict attention to mamma's orders, and conduct 
 yourself as a maid in a well regulated house would do. In 
 the first place, it will be necessary for you to keep Mr. Cinch's 
 incognito — — 
 
t6 A Royal Cinch. 
 
 Jessie. His — what ? 
 
 Edith. I mean, you must keep from mamma the fact that 
 he is only masquerading in the guise of the King. 
 
 Jessie. I'm next! You mean, I'm not to give the snap 
 away! 
 
 Edith. Exactly. For if she were to penetrate into the 
 truth of our little scheme all would be lost. Promise me you 
 will use discretion at all times! 
 
 Jessie. That discretion word is a lallapaloosa for me to 
 be up against, but if you mean will I stick by you — you just 
 bet your life I will! 
 
 EN TEE Mrs. F. from house. 
 
 Mrs. F. Ah! there you are, my dear! (Sees Jessie) 
 Jessie, how dare you loiter out here when you know there 
 is so much work to be done? 
 
 Jessie (picking up packages). Is there? 
 
 Mrs. F. Is there! Good gracious, child, how careless you 
 are! You know the King is coming here to-day, and I want 
 everything ready to receive him. 
 
 Edith. The fault is mine, mamma. I was merely ques- 
 tioning Jessie relative to the final arrangements. 
 
 Mrs. F. 'Very well. (To Jessie) Go at once to the 
 kitchen, Miss, and see that the cook hurries matters along. 
 Lunch must be served at four sharp. 
 
 Jessie (X-ing to house). I'm a-going! (At door) Hail 
 to the King! (She throws the packages in the air and rushes 
 
 off) 
 
 Mrs. F. (shocked). What impudence! 
 
 Edith. Don't let her annoy you. Eemember, she is little 
 more than a child. 
 
 Mrs. F. But children, my dear, are supposed to be 
 blessed with some manners. 
 
 Edith. Not Jessie. She's simply untamable, and we 
 must pay no attention to her eccentricities. 
 
 Mrs. F. Were I to take your advice, I'm sorely afraid 
 she would soon override us all! However, for the present 
 we will forget her and talk of other things. Your decision, 
 my child, in agreeing to abide by my wishes concerning 
 your marriage, has pleased me more than anything else in 
 the world. 
 
 Edith. It appeared to me to be the only alternative, 
 mamma. 
 
 Mrs. F. It certainly proves that you have good common 
 sense. What sort of a husband would Jack Everly make for 
 
A Royal Cinch. 17 
 
 you, my dear? It's simply ridiculous to believe that you 
 could waste your affection on a person of his calibre! Re- 
 member, Edith, when you are a Queen 
 
 Edith. A Queen! Oh yes, certainly! I had forgotten. 
 
 Mrs. F. Forgotten ! I hope you will not forget that you 
 have promised to be governed by my judgment in this mat- 
 ter? 
 
 Edith. Not that, mamma. If, after you have met and 
 talked with the Emperor, you consider it advisable for me to 
 accept his hand, I will say good-bye to Mr. Everly forever, 
 and endeavor to become a faithful Queen to his Highness ! 
 
 Mrs. F. Now you are exhibiting more tact than I gave 
 you credit for possessing! My child, I am sure that we shall 
 find this Hokus Pokus to be a gentleman of culture and re- 
 finement. His high position among potentates will elevate 
 you to a standing that few women in this world could easily 
 attain ! 
 
 Edith. I hope so. 
 
 Mrs. F. Hope — so! If the Queen of Bing Bong is the 
 first lady of her own country, does it not follow that her 
 social elevation is superior to — er — well, suppose we add, 
 being the wife of Jack Everly? 
 
 Edith. Why add Jack Everly's name? I thought he was 
 already considered out of the question! 
 
 Mrs. F. So he is, my dear. I was simply offering a com- 
 parison, that is all. 
 
 Edith. Some comparisons are odious, mamma! 
 
 Mrs. F. Are they? Be that as it may, I speak the truth 
 and you know it! 
 
 Jack (outside). Very well! I'll see for myself! 
 
 Mrs. F. Mr. Everly's voice! How dare he come here 
 after my letter informing him that the engagement was off? 
 
 Edith. Possibly he has forgotten something. 
 
 Mrs. F. No doubt! His manners! 
 
 ENTER Jack c. gate. 
 
 Jack. Pardon my entering so informally! I — I — I trust 
 I am not intruding? 
 
 Mrs. F. (coldly). You received my letter, Mr. Everly? 
 
 Jack. Certainly. And I have come for an explanation. 
 
 Mrs. F. Explanations are quite unnecessary! I endeav- 
 ored to be as explicit as possible in the letter, and thought 
 you were gentleman enough to accept the inevitable without 
 further comment! 
 
18 A Royal Cinch. 
 
 Jack. But, Mrs. Fairlove, do you consider it just to 
 annul this engagement without first extending me the cour- 
 tesy of your reason for so doing? 
 
 Mrs. F. The letter was final, sir! Further argument upon 
 the subject is quite unnecessary! 
 
 Edith. But, mamma, why not tell Jack all? 
 
 Mrs. F. Do you wish it, my dear? 
 
 Edith. It would be better, I am sure! 
 
 Mrs. F. Very well. My reason, Mr. Everly, for break- 
 ing off the engagement, was because I have found for my 
 daughter a more suitable husband! One who will elevate 
 her to that position which a lady of her tastes prefers! 
 
 Jack. I understand you, madam. Then you do not care 
 for the future happiness of your daughter? You do not 
 consider her love ■ 
 
 Mrs. F. Love! Fiddlesticks! What does love amount 
 to at the present day? Love is simply the synonym of fool- 
 ishness, which permeates the mind of the young, and the 
 innocent ! 
 
 Edith. Why — mamma ! 
 
 Mrs. F. It's a fact, a most decided fact, my child! 
 People of to-day are above the silly sentiment of emotion! 
 Marriages nowadays are made for convenience or gain, not 
 for the purpose of satisfying the fancies of a diseased heart! 
 
 Jack. Am I to infer that you practiced what you now 
 preach in your younger days, madam? 
 
 Mrs. F. In my younger days, conditions were quite dif- 
 ferent from what they are to-day, Mr. Everly! 
 
 Jack. Then you admit having married for love? 
 
 Mrs. F. I admit nothing! Suffice to say that knowing 
 my ultimatum regarding my daughter's future, you will act 
 as a gentleman should, by deferring to my wishes! 
 
 Jack {X-ing to Edith). Good-bye, Edith! {Offering her 
 his hand) 
 
 Edith {talcing his hand). Good-bye, Mr. Everly! 
 
 Jack {aside to Edith). Keep it up! Success is ours! 
 {Turns and goes up to gate c.) Madam, I salute you! 
 {Salutes) [EXITS out gate. 
 
 Mrs. F. {shocked). What insolence! He is mocking me! 
 
 Edith. What do you mean? 
 
 Mrs. F. Those are the very words used by the King in his 
 letter! Does he know * 
 
 Edith. He knows nothing beyond what you told him, 
 mamma ! 
 
A Royal Cinch. 1$ 
 
 Mrs. F. It's very strange that he should use the same 
 
 term as 
 
 Edith. Merely a coincidence, mamma. 
 
 ENTER Jessie suddenly from house. 
 
 Jessie. The cat, mum! He fell in the soup, tipped it 
 over, and put the fire out! The fire being out, put the cook 
 out, and the cook being out, put me out, mum! 
 
 Mrs. F. Dear me! What gross carelessness! I'll give 
 that cat a sound thrashing for his 
 
 Jessie. You'd better give him a piece of meat, mum! 
 He's hungry! 
 
 Mrs. F. (X-ing to door). That will do, miss! I am 
 capable of running my own establishment! 
 
 Jessie. Commence on the cat, mum! He'll give you a 
 run for your money! (Jessie goes up to gate) 
 
 Mrs. F. If you are not more guarded in your remarks, I 
 will 
 
 Jessie (looking off l.). Gee, mum! Pipe the canary! 
 
 Mrs. F. (at door). What is the matter with you? 
 
 Jessie. Quick! He's coming! He's coming, mum! 
 
 Edith (going up to gate). Who is it, Jessie? 
 
 Jessie. Why, his noblets of course! The King of the 
 Ping Pong islands! 
 
 Mrs. F. The King coming! I must go at once and pre- 
 pare to meet him! 
 
 Jessie. Get on to his glad rags ! Say — he's a dream, he is ! 
 
 Mrs. F. (to Jessie). Be very careful what you say or do 
 in his presence, miss. Come with me, my child! (To Jes- 
 sie) Tell his Highness that I will see him here in a few 
 moments! [EXITS into house. 
 
 Edith (to Jessie). Mum's the word, Jessie! Don't forget 
 the dress that's coming! (X-ing to house) 
 
 Jessie (coming down). I never forget anything that's 
 coming, Miss Edith. [EXIT Edith into house, laughing. 
 
 ENTER Jack and Cinch through gate and come down. 
 They are both in disguise. 
 
 Jack. Ah! You here, Jessie? 
 
 Jessie. Sure! Where'd you think I was — out in the 
 woods? 
 
 Jack. Certainly not! (Aside) I wish you were though! 
 (Aloud) Where is your mistress? 
 
20 A Royal Cinch. 
 
 Jessie. Gone to get her happy togs on — so she can meet 
 this ebony King of yours! 
 
 Cinch. Clare to goodness, Marse Jack, if dis yere kid 
 ain't de newest brand o' goods in de market! 
 
 Jessie. Say, smoke — don't you call me a kid! 
 
 Cinch. An' don' yo' call me smoke nuther ! 
 
 Jack. Here! Here! This will never do! Eemember 
 your promise, Jessie. A new dress and ten dollars if we are 
 successful ! 
 
 Jessie. Me for the goods, Mr. Everly! From this time 
 forth I'm as dumb as an oyster! (X-es to house) Now to 
 inform her ladyship that the Duke de Kackayak awaits her 
 presence in the Baronial hall ! 
 
 [EXITS into house singing: "I don't care if I never 
 come hack I" 
 
 Jack. No! And we don't care if you never come back 
 either! (To Cinch) Now, Cinch, the game is up to us! 
 
 Cinch. How I look, Marse Jack? 
 
 Jack. Splendid! You look the part to perfection! I 
 have written a letter to the real Hokus Pokus, asking him to 
 defer his visit until he hears again from Mrs. Fairlove. In 
 the mean time, I hope we will have been successful in bring- 
 ing Mrs. Fairlove to our terms. Play your part well, my 
 boy, and that fifteen is yours! 
 
 Cinch. To' don' think dere's any danger, does yer? 
 
 Jack. Not unless the lady should happen to fall in love 
 with you. 
 
 Cinch. Dat wouldn't do, boss. I'se a married man ! Jes* 
 tole me now what yo' want me to do. 
 
 Jack. Simply make a fool of yourself. 
 
 Cinch. Thought yo' say fo' me to be natural? 
 
 Jack. Well — it's the same thing, isn't it ? 
 
 Cinch. Is it ? 
 
 Jack. Of course. Now, if the lady should knock you 
 down — why 
 
 Cinch. Hold on dere, marse Jack! It's worth more'n 
 fifteen dollars to be knocked down, I reckon ! 
 
 Jack. Nothing of the sort. In saying that the lady may 
 knock you down, I speak in a figurative manner, and mean, 
 that she may smother you. 
 
 Cinch. Smother me ! 
 
 Jack. With kindness, my boy! Don't you understand? 
 
 Cinch. I understand yo', marse Jack, but I don't 'zactly 
 know what yo' say. What knock yo' down mean? 
 
 Jack. Certainly. Remember, now, I am your secretary, 
 
A Royal Cinch. 21 
 
 and will do most of the talking. Don't let them see your 
 face, cover it up with your handkerchief. {Looking toward 
 house) Sh! They are coming! 
 
 ENTER Mrs. Fairlove and Edith from house, followed by 
 
 Jessie. 
 
 Jessie. Here he is, mum ! Ain't he the 'cutest thing that 
 ever happened? 
 
 Mrs. F. Jessie ! How dare you ! 
 
 Jack (X-ing to Mrs. F.). Ah! Ze Madame Fairlove, I 
 believe ? 
 
 Mrs. F. Yes. (Bowing) 
 
 Jack. I am ze — what you call ze — ze secretaire of his 
 Highness — ze great Hokus Po! 
 
 Mrs. F. Ah, I see! (Aside, to Edith) Evidently, the 
 King prefers a French secretary to one of his own country- 
 men. (Aloud, to Jack) The King. Does he converse in 
 English, or French? 
 
 Jack. Ah, both of zem. But he prefaire ze English. 
 Shall I introduce ze King to ze Madame? Yes? 
 
 Mrs. F. If you please. (Aside, to Edith) Keep up your 
 courage, my dear. 
 
 Jack (aside, to Cinch). Brace up, my boy. I am going to 
 introduce you to the mother. Say something real nice now. 
 (Aloud) Your Highness, allow me ze plaisaire of ze in- 
 troduction to ze faire Madame Fairlove! 
 
 Mrs. F. (bowing low) Your Highness! 
 
 Cinch. Ah, there! 
 
 Mrs. F. (surprised). Ah, there! 
 
 Jack. Madame! Madame! You do not ze understand. 
 By ah zare, ze King he means, charmed to meet you! 
 
 Mrs. F. I see. 
 
 Jack (aside, to Cinch). Be careful, old fellow! You'll 
 spoil the game if you make another break like that. 
 
 (Edith X-s to l. Jessie stands about l. c.) 
 
 Mrs. F. His Highness being somewhat fatigued by his 
 journey, I presume would enjoy a little refreshment, — say a 
 little wine? 
 
 Cinch (aside). Would I! (Aside, to Jack) Tell her to 
 ask me, marse Jack. 
 
 Jack (aside ^ to Cinch). She has already asked you. 
 (Aloud) Ze King say he will be please to accept of a leetle 
 wine. Eh, your Highness? 
 
 Cinch. Bet yo' life I will ! (Bows to Mrs. F.— as he does 
 
22 A Royal Cinch. 
 
 so, Jessie hits him with a slap-stick. Cinch falls, Jessie X's 
 to house) 
 
 Mrs. F. Good gracious, Jessie! What have you done? 
 
 Jessie. Just made a base hit, mum, that's all! 
 
 Cinch {after being assisted to his feet by Jack, aside). 
 Marse Jack, I do believe dat kid has broke my heart ! (Rubs 
 his back) 
 
 Mrs. F. (to Jessie). Bring the King a glass of our choic- 
 est wine, Jessie! 
 
 Jessie. Yes'm! (Aside) That ought to have been good 
 for a home run! [EXITS to house. 
 
 Mrs. F. (to Jack). I trust that his Highness has suffered 
 no injury from his fall ? 
 
 Jack. Not at all, Madame! Ze King, he enjoys what you 
 call ze leetle joke! 
 
 Mrs. F. But why does his Highness prefer to keep his face 
 covered all the time? Is it 
 
 Jack. Eet ees ze custom of hees country, Madame. Hees 
 face is nevaire seen in what you call ze public. 
 
 ENTEK Jessie, from house, with a glass filled with flour. 
 
 Jessie. One up, for the King! 
 
 Mrs. F. (taking glass from Jessie). Your Majesty, allow 
 me! (Passes glass to Cinch) 
 
 Cinch (aside, to Jack). Dis certainly am living, marse 
 Jack! (Drinks and blows flour over his face. Mrs. F. 
 screams. Jessie and Edith laugh. Cinch faints in Jack's 
 arms) 
 
 Mrs. F. Quick! Jessie! A chair for his Highness! 
 (Jessie brings chair c) 
 
 Jessie. Sit down, Willie! (Takes Cinch by shoulders 
 and pulls him down onto chair) 
 
 Cinch (struggling to get up). Lena' me up! (Cinch rises, 
 his face uncovered) 
 
 Mrs. F. (screams). A negro! 
 
 Edith. Oh mamma! This is terrible! 
 
 Mrs. F. Out of my house at once, sir! Do you think I 
 would allow my daughter to marry an African? 
 
 Jack. But, Madame, ze King 
 
 Mrs. F. A fig for your King, sir! Out of my house at 
 once, I say! (To Edith) My child, what an awful mistake 
 I have made! 
 
 Edith. You did not know the truth, mamma! You have 
 been deceived! (To Jack) Keep it up! 
 
A Royal Cinch. 23 
 
 Jack. But, Madame, ze King will sue you for ze breach 
 of promise ! 
 
 Mrs. F. Begone at once, or I will ring for the police ! 
 
 Jack (to Cinch). Kef use to go! 
 
 Cinch. Look yere, Sec, I refuse to go till I marries dis 
 yere gal! 
 
 Jack. But, your Highness, we are what you call ze or- 
 dered out! (Aside to Cinch) Work it up! 
 
 Cinch. Don' care fo' dat, Sec! I won' leave yere till I 
 gets dat fifteen dollars ! 
 
 All (surprised). What! 
 
 Jack (aside, to Cinch). I'll break your neck for that! 
 (Aloud) His Highness means zat he insists zat ze Madame 
 pays for ze ticket what he buy to come here! 
 
 Mrs. F. I will pay for nothing ! I order you both to leave 
 here at once! 
 
 Jessie (comes down to Cinch, with siphon). Say, smoke! 
 
 Cinch. Don' yo' call me smoke! 
 
 Jessie. I'll call your bluff, then ! (Spurts water on him) 
 You get! 
 
 Cinch. You bet! 
 
 -- ■- 
 
 (Cinch turns quickly and rushes up towards gate c. 
 Jessie follows him. At gate Cinch turns and Jessie 
 plays the siphon in his face. Cinch strikes attitude 
 of swimming. Jack, outside gate, laughing. Mrs. F. 
 faints in Edith's arms. Edith throws kiss to Jack.) 
 
 Jessie. Say, King — -you look like a two-spot. Back for 
 yours to the Bing Bong islands! (Throws up beans) Hail 
 to the King! (Spurts water in his face) Bain to the King! 
 Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 QUICK CUKTAIN. 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 SCENE.— Same as Act I. Jessie is DISCOVEKED in the 
 act of dusting and arranging the furniture. 
 
 Jessie. There's no use talking, yesterday was certainly 
 a day of action! To-day, I imagine that his kinglets is busy 
 nursing his sore spots. (Laughs) Gee ! How funny he did 
 look when I turned the hose on him! (Sits at table) And 
 poor Mad — ame! This morning she is terribly indisposed. 
 
24 A Royal Cinch. 
 
 Got an attack of protrastic nerves, I believe — whatever 
 that is. Ain't got that present yet for my share in the picnic. 
 Reckon it'll be all right when Mr. Everly comes over, 
 
 though ! 
 
 ENTEK Edith, r. 2 e. 
 
 Edith. Ah, here you are! Jack been over yet? 
 
 Jessie. If he has, then my eyesight is getting bad! Say 
 — how about that present I was to get ! Is it coming ? 
 
 Edith. Of course. As soon as Mr. Everly arrives he will 
 give you the equivalent. 
 
 Jessie. Squivalent! I thought it was to be a new suit? 
 
 Edith. So it is. I mean, that instead of' giving you the 
 article itself, he will give you the money to purchase it in- 
 stead. 
 
 Jessie. Oh! I thought you were reneging! 
 
 Edith. Why should I? Did you not play your part well? 
 
 Jessie. I tried to make it lively for Cinch. 
 
 Edith. You did most assuredly. Mamma was so disgusted 
 that she wrote to Jack at once asking him to call to-day. 
 
 Jessie. Smoke was certainly a bum King, Miss Edith? 
 
 Edith. After you got through with him — yes. 
 
 Jessie. And his secretary! (Laughs) Say, Mr. Everly 
 was the limit, and two over! 
 
 Edith. I thought he played his part exceeding well. 
 
 Jessie. It's natural for you to see nothing but perfection 
 in Mr. Everly, you're stuck on him! 
 
 Edith. How can you be so bold? 
 
 Jessie. Well, it's the truth! 
 
 Edith. What if it is ! I'm not ashamed of it ! 
 
 Jessie. No, but it strikes me that even the truth has its 
 disadvantages — sometimes. 
 
 Edith. You are positively incorrigible! But come, let us 
 change the subject. 
 
 Jessie. What shall it be, the weather? 
 
 Edith. No, mamma! 
 
 Jessie. Back up! She's a dead one! 
 
 Edith. A dead one! 
 
 Jessie. Yes. As a shine, your mother is a magnitude of 
 bewildering greatness. She's had her innings, she has, and 
 lost her game! 
 
 Edith. Lost her game ! 
 
 Jessie. Sure! Score, nine to nothing! 
 
 Edith. Will you kindly endeavor to use a more refined 
 English when speaking of mamma ? 
 
A Royal Cinch. 25 
 
 Jessie. Nixey, Miss Edith ! Mamma is all to the bad this 
 time, and refined English lacks weight of expression in her 
 case. 
 
 Edith {going up stage, disgusted). How is she this morn- 
 ing? 
 
 Jessie. Up against it good and hard! 
 
 Edith (turning). Up against it? 
 
 Jessie. I mean, that Mrs. Fairlove is indisposed, being 
 somewhat prostrated with a severe attack of nervous figiti- 
 gits! 
 
 Edith. Where in the world do you learn such queer ex- 
 pressions ? One would think to hear you talk that you were 
 positively degenerate! 
 
 Jessie. You mean that I'm a bad egg ? 
 
 Edith. Yes. 
 
 Jessie. Perhaps I am! But bad eggs are no worse than 
 distillers of bad deeds, are they? 
 
 Edith (coming down, angrily). What do you mean? 
 
 Jessie. Look out! (Edith stops quickly) You'll fall 
 over yourself if you ain't careful! 
 
 Edith. Look here, Miss ■ 
 
 Jessie. Pooh, pooh, for you! (Going up) I am now 
 going to interview the major domo of the scullery depart- 
 ment! When I return — I shall come back! 
 
 [EXITS c. d. singing: " Nava, Nava, my Navajo!" 
 
 Edith. Dear me! Jessie is enough to provoke a saint! 
 
 ENTER Mrs. Fairlove r. 2 e. 
 
 Edith. How do you feel, mamma? (X-ing to meet her) 
 
 Mrs. F. (X-es to table l.). Far from well, my dear! My 
 nerves have received such a severe shock that I fear 
 
 Edith. There, there ! You must forget the scenes of yes- 
 terday, and remember that the future has a store of happi- 
 ness for us both! 
 
 Mrs. F. Has Mr. Everly been over, my dear? 
 
 Edith. Not yet. 
 
 Mrs. F. Suppose he were to refuse to accept my apology! 
 
 Edith. I am sure he won't do that! 
 
 Mrs. F. If he does I shall never be able to make repara- 
 tion to you for my foolishness ! 
 
 Edith. Why blame yourself, mamma? You are not to 
 be held to account for what you considered to be best for 
 my welfare. Any mother who holds her daughter's interest 
 at heart would have done the same! 
 
 Mrs, F. I know it, and yet I should not have been so 
 
26 A Royal Cinch. 
 
 impulsive! You are not angry with me, I hope! 
 
 Edith. How foolish of you to ask that ! There is nothing 
 for me to be angry about. 
 
 Mrs. F. And you forgive me ? 
 
 Edith. Why, mamma, there is really nothing to forgive! 
 (Kisses Mrs. F.) 
 
 ENTER Jessie, c. d. 
 
 Jessie (aside). They're like a couple of turtle-doves! 
 (Aloud) Ahem! 
 
 Edith. Well, Jessie? 
 
 Jessie. Mr. Everly — * — 
 
 Edith. Is he without? 
 
 Jessie. Without what? 
 
 Edith. I mean, has he arrived? 
 
 Jessie. He's at the door begging 
 
 Mrs. F. (rises). Begging! 
 
 Jessie. To come in! 
 
 Mrs. F. You stay and see him, my dear! I cannot bear 
 to hear his answer to my appeal! (X-es to r. 2 e.) 
 
 Edith. Very well, mamma! (To Jessie) Admit him! 
 
 [EXIT Jessie, c. d. 
 
 Mrs. F. Do your best, my child, and if successful, let me 
 know at once! [EXIT r. 2 e. 
 
 ENTER Jack, c. d. 
 
 Jack. Edith! 
 
 Edith. Jack! (They embrace) 
 
 Jack. I received your mother's letter and came right 
 over ! She has relented, and offers me her sincerest apologies ! 
 
 Edith. Which of course you will accept! 
 
 Jack. I don't know about that. Perhaps you wish me to 
 refuse them. 
 
 Edith. Oh Jack! You know better than that! 
 
 Jack. Of course! Of course! But come, tell me, how 
 does she feel after her experience of yesterday? 
 
 Edith. She has broken down completely, and hopes you 
 will forgive her hasty words! 
 
 Jack. She does, eh? Now is my time then to give her a 
 dose of the medicine she so graciously dished out to me! 
 
 Edith. What do you mean? 
 
 Jack. Edith, I have fallen heir to a small fortune. An 
 uncle in India has left me twenty thousand pounds! 
 
 Edith. Oh! We can never marry then. 
 
 Jack. Why not? 
 
A Royal Cinch. 2f 
 
 Edith. I am poor, Jack. Money makes a great differ- 
 ence where marriage is concerned. 
 
 Jack. But not where love is ! Edith, I love you, — so well, 
 that I would willingly sacrifice all I possess rather than to 
 see you unhappy! My dear, we will be married at once! 
 
 Edith. Hadn't you better ask mamma first? 
 
 Jack. Hang mamma ! I mean — er, well — you know what 
 I mean! 
 
 Edith. Not exactly. However, suppose we go and con- 
 sult her in reference to the — er 
 
 Jack. Our marriage? 
 
 Edith. Yes. 
 
 Jack. Do you think she will refuse now? 
 
 Edith. I don't see how she can! 
 
 Jack. Good! Let us go to her at once then, for I am 
 anxious to hear her say the words that will make us both 
 happy! .' TEXIT Both r. 2 e. 
 
 ENTER Jessie c. d., followed by Cinch. 
 
 Jessie. Look here, smoke, it ain't no use 
 
 Cinch. Say — don' yo' keep calling me smoke! Ma name's 
 Cinch! 
 
 Jessie. Cut it, my boy! Cut it! 
 
 Cinch. Cut what ? I don' see nothing to cut ! 
 
 Jessie. Cut that name out! Say — who are you anyway 
 when you're at home? 
 
 Cinch. I'se a waiter at de hotel. 
 
 Jessie. Do you like your job ? 
 
 Cinch. Course I does. 
 
 Jessie. Why don't you keep it then? 
 
 Cinch. Reckon I'm a gwine to keep it. 
 
 Jessie. You were quite a soldier yesterday. 
 
 Cinch. I'm used to it. I was a soldier in de war. 
 
 Jessie. The real war? (Cinch nods his head) You 
 
 don't say so? 
 
 Cinch. Yes I do say so, too! 
 
 Jessie. You're immense, you are. I suppose you dis- 
 tinguished yourself on the field of battle? That you were 
 a real hero? 
 
 Cinch. You jes' bet I was! 
 
 Jessie. In the thickest of the fight were you cool? 
 
 Cinch. Coolest man on the ground. 
 
 Jessie. Ah! How cool were you? 
 
 Cinch. I was so dunned cool dat I shivered! 
 
 Jessie, Shivered ! What part of the field were you on ? 
 
*8 
 
 A Royal Cinch. 
 
 Cinch. 
 
 Jessie. 
 
 Cinch. 
 
 Jessie. 
 one day! 
 
 Cinch. 
 
 Jessie. 
 
 Cinch. 
 broke ! 
 
 Jessie. 
 
 I was in the ice wagon! 
 
 Ice wagon! (Laughs) You're funny, you are! 
 
 You ought to see my brother. 
 
 Excuse me! You're quite enough to look at for 
 
 What does yo' do fo' a living? 
 
 Me! The idea! Why — my face is my fortune! 
 
 If yo' face is yo' fortune, I'll bet a dollar yo' 
 
 Well, I want you to understand that 
 
 Is that so ? 
 my face is natural! 
 
 Cinch. Has yo' got it wif yo'? 
 
 Have I got what with me? 
 
 Yo' face? 
 
 The idea! This is my face! 
 
 Dat yo' face? 
 
 Of course. What did you think it was? 
 
 Jessie. 
 Cinch. 
 Jessie. 
 Cinch. 
 Jessie. 
 Cinch. 
 Jessie. 
 was? 
 Cinch. 
 Jessie. 
 
 Can't you see it? 
 
 I'm ashamed to tell yo'! 
 
 Sir ! Answer me at once ! What did you think it 
 
 I thought it was a mask! 
 
 Is that so? As I said before, my face is natural! 
 Heal! And speaking of naturalism reminds me of a little 
 incident that I am about to relate you. I am an artist — I 
 paint! 
 
 I knew dat de first time I looked at yo' face. 
 
 I, sir, am a landscape and figure painter. 
 
 Cinch. 
 Jessie. 
 Cinch. 
 Jessie. 
 
 Does yo' paint yo' figure too? 
 
 No! No! I mean that I paint rustic views, and 
 objects of nature. Last summer, I was travelling through 
 the Rocky Mountains. 
 Cinch. Did yo' know it? 
 
 How could I be there and not know it? One day 
 
 I would go out sketching. 
 
 Catching? 
 
 No, no! sketching! While meandering over the 
 
 Jessie. 
 I thought 
 
 Cinch. 
 
 Jessie. 
 hills 
 
 Cinch. Doing what? 
 
 Jessie. Meandering! Strolling I mean. While meander- 
 ing over the hills, I suddenly caught sight of a beautiful 
 bunch of grapes! 
 
 Cinch. I know what yo' gwine to say, — yo' eat de grapes ! 
 
 Jessie. Nothing of the kind. I simply sat down at my 
 easel and began to sketch them. 
 
 Cinch. I thought yo' was gwine to paint 'em! 
 
A Royal Cinch. 29 
 
 Jessie. Exactly. That's what I mean by sketched. I 
 painted them. After I had finished my work, I stood back to 
 admire the beauty of it, when suddenly I noticed several 
 little birds flying about. In a few moments they discovered 
 my picture and lighting on it, commenced picking at the 
 canvas. Do you know, I had painted that fruit so natural, 
 that the little birds thought those grapes were real! 
 
 Cinch {laughing). Did the birds see yo'? 
 
 Jessie. I don't know. Why? 
 
 Cinch. 'Guess dey didn't. If dey'd thought yo' was real, 
 dey'd have flowed away. Ha, ha! (Laughs heartily) 
 
 ENTER Jack and Edith r. 2 e. 
 
 Jack. Here they are now! Jessie, here is a present for 
 you! {Gives her bills) Buy a new dress for yourself, and 
 when Edith and I are married I want you to be her maid of 
 honor ! 
 
 Jessie. Bully for you, Mr. Everly! Depend upon it, I'll 
 be there! 
 
 Jack. Now, Cinch, I will settle with you. Here is the 
 fifteen. {Hands bills) I intend also to keep you in mind. 
 At the grand reception which will follow our wedding, I elect 
 you to the position of head waiter! Do you accept? 
 
 Cinch. Does I? Receptions are ma long suit, marse 
 Jack. I'llbedar! 
 
 Jack. And now that everything is settled, and I am the 
 happiest man in the world, I think it no more than proper 
 that I should kiss the prospective bride! {Kisses Edith) 
 
 QUICK CURTAIN. 
 
THE MAN FROM MAINE 
 
 A DRAMA IN FIVE ACTS 
 By CHARLES TOWNSEND 
 
 PRICE 25 CENTS 
 
 Nine male, three female characters. A young man from Maine, a 
 wealthy New Yorker, a young lawyer, a swell English lord, Faro Phila, 
 black sheep; a dude, a Bowery bruiser, Billy the Bum, a darkey servant. 
 A social leader, a woman with a history, a Daisy Maine wildflower. Time 
 of playing, 2 l /i hours. 4 interior scenes. 
 
 SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 
 
 Act I. — Van Cruger's vanity. The letter. A cool reception. Mrs. 
 Bradley's cunning. The question. The threat. 
 
 Act II. — A week later. Some hot words. The decoy letter. A game 
 of cards. The biter bitten. 
 
 Act III. — A day later. Phil's scheme. A specimen "tough." An 
 untimely arrival. A shrewd adventuress. A brutal couple. The threat. 
 A desperate game. 
 
 Act IV. — An hour later. A "dive" in the Bowery. Billy the Bum. 
 A hard crowd. The row. A lucky arrival. A struggle for life. Muggins 
 learns a lesson. 
 
 Act V. — The next morning. A smashed up dude. Nearing the end. 
 Mabel's experience. Brought to bay. The last resort. Foiled. 
 
 Timothy Delano's Courtship 
 
 COMEDY IN TWO ACTS 
 
 By MARTHA R. ORNE 
 
 PRICE 15 CENTS 
 
 Two male, three female characters. A rich old gentleman, an old maid, 
 a young girl and her brother, a colored servant girl. Time of playing, 1 *4 
 hours. The old aunt talks in Mrs. Partington's style. 1 parlor scene. 
 
 SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 
 
 Act I. — The old aunt insists on her niece accepting old Timothy. Rick's 
 little game and the darkey's strategy. 
 
 Act II. — The scheme works. Timothy hears some things which astonish 
 him. His escape. Aunt Tabitha catches him on the rebound, and he stays 
 caught. 
 
Squire Thompkin's Daughter 
 
 A DRAMA IN FIVE ACTS, BY ARTHUR L. BUZZELL. 
 PRICE 25 CENTS 
 
 Five male, two female characters. They consist of two farmers, a 
 banker and his accomplice, a youthful lover, a farmer's wife and daughter. 
 Time of playing, 254 hours. A finely drawn story of rascality, misplaced 
 confidence and retribution. 
 
 SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 
 
 Act I. — Scene, the farmhouse sitting-room. The declaration. The 
 temptation. Signing the mortgage. Millie's departure. 
 
 Act II. — Same scene, a year later. The raised notes. Foreclosure of 
 the mortgage. Eviction. 
 
 Act III. — Scene, Millie's room in city boarding house. Disclosure of the 
 plot. Friends on the track. The attempted murder. Millie's fearful 
 mistake. 
 
 Act IV. — Scene in a street, afterwards room in a cheap boarding house. 
 Millie falls into the trap for her betrayal. Destruction of the notes. The 
 fire. The escape. 
 
 Act V. — Scene, the banker's parlor. The friend in disguise. The mock 
 parson. Foiled. Millie's rescue. Redemption of the farm. 
 
 In the Absence of Susan 
 
 A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS, BY A. C. THOMPSON. 
 PRICE 25 CENTS 
 
 Four male, six female characters. An elderly gentleman, two young 
 men, a sailor. A middle-aged lady, her two daughters, a young lady friend, 
 a gossip and a maidservant. Time of playing, about 2 hours. An elabo- 
 rately worked-out character comedy. 1 interior and 1 exterior scenes. 
 
 SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 
 
 Act I. — Susan, the house tyrant. Dick awaits Geoffrey's arrival. The 
 meeting at the cliff. The adventure. Departure of Susan. 
 
 Act II. — Two days later. The letter to Susan. The recognition. 
 Carrots! Preparations for festivities. Love making. 
 
 Act III. — The game of tennis. The masquerade. Susan's letter. Con- 
 sternation. Jane and her sailor. Return of Susan and her intended husband. 
 Susan squelched. "Not a word, now." Engagements galore. 
 
JEMIMA 
 
 OR 
 
 THE WITCH of BENDER 
 
 COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 
 
 By H. ELLIOTT McBRIDE 
 
 PRICE 15 CENTS 
 
 Four male, four female characters. A farmer, an old bachelor, another 
 farmer and a Yankee; also a farmer's wife, his aunt, a Yankee girl and 
 an aspiring maid. A series of surprises, which are effectual of their pur- 
 pose. Time of playing, \ x / 2 hours. 1 interior scene. < 
 
 SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 
 
 Act I. — Jemima's mistrust and little scheme. The old maid's mistake. 
 Jonah's perplexities. Jeremiah's dilemma. The Witch. "Beware." 
 
 Act II. — Bolivar's oil craze. Invoking the Witch. Bolivar's terror. 
 The old maid's resolve. 
 
 Act III. — The old maid's despair. Jeremiah and Sarah. The Witch's 
 revenge. The old maid happy. Jemima herself again. 
 
 OUT IN THE STREETS 
 
 A TEMPERANCE PLAY IN THREE ACTS 
 By S. N. COOK 
 
 PRICE 15 CENTS 
 
 Si* male, three female characters and a little girl. An old gentleman, 
 plausible rascal, dissolute son, young lover, darkey servant, policeman. 
 Elderly lady and her daughter, widow and child. Time of playing, 1 hour. 
 A tale of oppression and retribution. 3 interior and 1 street scene. 
 
 SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 
 
 Act I.— An irascible father, a sensible wife and an independent daughter. 
 The fawning rascal dismissed. The rascal and his son. The ejection. 
 
 Act II. — The robbery. Out in the streets. The recognition. At home. 
 The widow's story. 
 
 Act III. — The rascal unmasked. The double arrest. The widow comes 
 to her own. A happy wedding. 
 
015 799 533 9 
 
 
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