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Parson JiJftftsOn's Lecture 
 
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 I. 
 
 PARSON JOHNSON'S LECTURE 
 
 Parson Johnson gave a lecture 
 
 On a Sunday afternoon 
 In the church around the corner 
 
 On the third Sunday in June. 
 Says he, ''I am gwine fo ter tell yer 
 
 Dar am lots ob trouble gwine on 
 An if yer people don stop it, 
 Yer gwine hyar fum me shos yer bon, 
 
 "Ez I was gwine past brudder Jones 
 
 I axxidently dropped in 
 An when I went into his cabin, 
 
 Dar I foun him drinking gin. 
 De man dat calls hisself er deacon, 
 
 Drinkin gin, why de idea,— 
 I fink dat man should be arrested 
 
 An git six months twice a 5^ear. 
 
 "Den I called on Brudder Williams, 
 
 Dat ole man, he beate de dickens; 
 I seed a leeceman chasing him 
 
 Wid er great big bag ob chickens. 
 Now look hyar, brudder, let me tel yer 
 
 Ez sho ez ten and ten am twenty 
 Ef I eber cotch yer doing dat ergin 
 
 What I'll do fo yer will be er plenty. 
 
2. 
 
 "Den I saw some ob de young brudders, 
 
 All nice lookiu young chaps, 
 Dey were huddled in er corner 
 
 An engaged in shooting craps; 
 Den I heard some body holler, 
 
 'Come on seben, come on leben,' 
 Now look hyar brudders, let me tellyer, 
 
 Dats no way to git to hebbin. 
 
 "Las Sunday eben at de meetin 
 
 De leckshun basket were passed round 
 En we counted out de money, 
 
 A leeceman's button in dar were found : 
 Now I know who had dat button, 
 
 Twan no one but Brudder White, 
 Kase las week he was arrested 
 
 Fur being disorderl}^ and had to fight. 
 
 "Now look hyar Brudder, let me tell yer, 
 
 I am sprised at yer, deed I am, 
 Coming to Church ebery Sunday 
 
 Singing, 'hallejeuh to de lam ;' 
 Now aint yer a nice class leader 
 
 Bringing sinners to de cross, 
 Ef dey would foller yo example, 
 
 Dere feet would slip an soul git loss." 
 
 Suddenly, the parson shouted, 
 
 "Cum wake up dar sister Susan, 
 Ebery time yer cum to church 
 
 You am always snoring en er snoozin, 
 Dis yer am a place ob worship. 
 
 An am not er place fo sleep : 
 Does yer fink dat I am a sheperd, 
 
 Watching ober a flock ob sheep ? 
 
3- 
 
 "Well, ef yer does, yer am mistooken 
 
 Kase I got odder fings ter do 
 Besides standing in dis pulpit 
 
 Wakin up ole sheep like you. 
 I am gwine tell yer whuts my mission, 
 
 I am sabin sinners fo de lawd; 
 En when I die, am gwine to hebbin 
 
 Den I'll git a big reward." 
 
 ELZIA'S BEAU 
 
 Now look her Lize, what was de matter 
 
 Wid you an your beau las night, 
 De way dat you an him carried on 
 
 I thought you both would have a fight. 
 When yer daddy an I was coatin, 
 
 We was same as hand in glove 
 Bekase we agreed wid each odder, 
 
 An dats what I call ole time love. 
 
 Well he nebber brings me candy 
 
 Like de odder fellows does 
 To their sweethearts, so I tole him 
 
 He is the cheapest man dat ever was. 
 An he has not eben axed me 
 
 To go out fo a buggy ride 
 An he aint eben got de manhood 
 
 To ax me to be his bride. 
 
But perhaps he is not ready 
 
 To take you fo better or fo wuss, 
 So dats no signification 
 
 Dat you and him should always fuss. 
 Maybe he is sabin up his money 
 
 Fo to take kyar of you; 
 I fink dats a sensible idea 
 
 Which am de right fing to do. 
 
 Well he had better hurry up 
 
 An git a move on hisself 
 Kase some one else might pop de question 
 
 Den I know he will git lef. 
 Ise dun got my wedding clothes 
 
 All ready fo the affair, 
 Bekase I want to show dem folks 
 
 De kind of clothes I am gwine to wear. 
 
 When yo daddy an I got married 
 
 I had on a caliker dress, 
 He had on a hickery shirt. 
 
 White duck suit and linen vest. 
 But you must hab silks an satins, 
 
 Wid yer low necks an shorts sleeves 
 An a great long trail bebine yer 
 
 Like a broom sweeping up leaves. 
 
 Well yer see dem times are different 
 
 Fum these times we have today, 
 Spose we was to do dat now 
 
 What would de young people say? 
 Dey would call us ole-time people 
 
 An would say, we are not in it; 
 So yer know dat would be too much. 
 
 An I would't Stan fo it a minute. 
 
5. 
 
 Wei] yer might tawk bout foggyism 
 
 But it was de bes arter all, 
 We didu't git mad at each odder 
 
 Kase we couldn't go to de ball. 
 Whats de use ob being all dressed up 
 
 When yer husband fum his work come 
 Ef dars no meat in de smoke house 
 
 An no meal in de gum ? 
 
 I'll see dat I am provided 
 
 Wid something in de house to eat, 
 Kase ef he don't, I'll jest tell him 
 
 Pat he will hab to retreat. 
 He will nebber loaf around me, 
 
 Not ef I keep my right senses, 
 An ef he don't take care of me, 
 
 He will know de consequences. 
 
 WIVES. 
 
 A barber should have this kind of wife 
 
 That every one should praise her, 
 And if they don't, it is his fault 
 
 Because he knows how to raise her. 
 A shoemaker should have a wife 
 
 That should not be downcast, 
 By treating him as a good wife should, 
 
 He would be faithful to the last. 
 A musician should have a wife 
 
 Who believes in women's votes, 
 If she should want some spending change 
 
 He could give her a few notes. 
 
6, 
 
 A baker should have this kind of wife 
 That should always keep hira wise. 
 
 If he should lie in the bed late, 
 She could help him to rise. 
 
 A poet should have this kind of wife 
 
 That is loving and kind, 
 If she should ever feel indisposed, 
 
 He could compose her mind. 
 
 A jeweler should have a wife 
 To make him toe the notch, 
 
 If he neglected his business. 
 
 She could keep him on his watch. 
 
 A paperhanger should have a wife 
 To keep things in good order, 
 
 If she should invite some one to dine, 
 He could bring her home a boarder. 
 
 A base ball player should have a wife 
 
 That doesn't like to growl, 
 If she should want some chicken, 
 
 He could bring her home a fowl. 
 
 An undertaker should have a wife 
 That he should not see too often, 
 
 If she was suffering with a cold, 
 
 He would always keep her coughing. 
 
 A fish dealer should have a wife 
 
 No matter what prevails, 
 If she wanted to learn music, 
 
 He could teach her to run scales. 
 
7' 
 THE OYSTER ROAST 
 
 Well didn't we have a scumptious time ? 
 
 Bet yer life we did, 
 Everybody that attended 
 
 From the old folks to a kid. 
 We had some nice eatables 
 
 And jest as warm as toast, 
 But the main thing there that evening 
 
 Was that old-time Oyster Roast. 
 
 **Are you going?" says I to Lucy, 
 
 "To that grand affair tonight. 
 Where everything will be exquisite 
 
 And our hearts filled with delight. ?" 
 "Am Igwine," says she, "now look hyar 
 
 I wouldn't let de police foce 
 Keep me fum attending dat 
 
 Ole-time- Virginia Oyster Roast." 
 
 "Well John, I suppose you'll be there 
 
 With your sweetheart by your side." 
 So he looked at me surprisedly 
 
 For a moment, then replied, 
 "What made yer ax me such a question ? 
 
 I wouldn't even let Hamlet's ghost 
 Stop me fum being present 
 
 At dat ole-time Oyster Roast." 
 
8. 
 
 "Now Lticinda, how about you, 
 
 Will 5^ou be present also, 
 Where there will a grand gathering 
 
 And accompanied b}' your beau?" 
 "Will I be dar ? Now, jest watch me, 
 
 Kase I am invited by de host, 
 So yer can bet 5-er bottom dollar 
 
 I'll be at dat Oyster Roast." 
 
 "Well, Bill, I suppose you are preparing 
 
 For a grand time to spend, 
 Have 3^ou sent an invitation 
 
 To your young lady friend ?" 
 "Now Ise gwine to answer 3^er. 
 
 Hab I sent one ? Why ob cose. 
 An ef I don't be present, 
 
 Dar wont be no 03^ster Roast, ' ' 
 
 So to our homes we departed, 
 
 After spending a glorious time, 
 It didn't cost us not one penu}^ 
 
 Not as much as a dime; 
 We ate and ate till we got tired 
 
 And I don't know who ate de most 
 But I filled my bread basket 
 
 At that old time Ovster Roast. 
 
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•9^ 
 HOW I WAS CONVINCED 
 
 I never believed in'superstition 
 
 Until I got convinced, 
 Because I was frightened most to death. 
 
 And Ise believed it ever since. 
 I never thought a cat had nine lives 
 
 And all that sort of stuJBf, 
 And thirteen being an unlucky number. 
 
 Says I, "That's all a bluff." 
 
 So I will tell you how it happened,, 
 
 It was this way you see, 
 We were sitting around gossiping 
 
 When some one said to me, 
 "'Do you believe in the dead coming back?' 
 
 Says I, "Certainly not ; 
 Because I'll tell you my opinion, 
 
 It is nothing but rot." 
 
 "Well," says he, "I know a man, 
 
 And a haunted house he own, 
 He will give you a hundred dollars 
 
 If you will stay there all night alone. 
 Says I, "Certainly I will. 
 
 Because that is easy money made, 
 I'll go there and stay all the time 
 
 And never be afraid, ' ' 
 
lO. 
 
 So he taken me to this man 
 
 And told him all about me, 
 Being so fearless and brave, 
 
 So of course he did not doubt me. 
 "Well," says the man, "go ahead 
 
 And see what you can do ; 
 And if you stay there all night, 
 
 Why this money belongs to you." 
 
 So I weut the following night 
 
 With this money on my mind, 
 Because I considered this you see, 
 
 A very lucky find. 
 So then I went to bed 
 
 Between twelve and one o'clock, 
 And fallen off into sleep, 
 
 And on the door there came a knock, 
 
 "Who is there and what 5^ou wan-t ?" 
 
 But not a word it said ; 
 Then I begin to get nervous 
 
 And sat right up in bed : 
 Something advanced towards me 
 
 All attired in white 
 And made some funny movements 
 
 That gave me a terrible fright. 
 
 Was I frightened ? You bet I was, 
 
 I had the St. Vitus dance. 
 It scared me so until I could not 
 
 Even put on my pants. 
 So when I looked around again 
 
 That ghost, you see, had vanished ; 
 It scared me so until I really 
 
 Believe I danced in Spanish. 
 
II. 
 
 So when I went to get the money 
 
 They had me for a laughing stock, 
 Everybody would say to me, 
 
 "Chase yourself around the block." 
 They guyed me from morn until night, 
 
 Which made me feel so bad 
 Until I thought they would not stop, 
 
 And nearly drove me mad. 
 
 HOG KILLING TIME. 
 
 Heb yer eber been in de country 
 
 Hog killing time ? 
 It's better dan Humpty Dumpty 
 
 Hog killing time; 
 Chasing the hog around de pen 
 
 Striking at him now an den ; 
 It's a glorious place to spend 
 
 Hog killing time. 
 
 Build a fire under de pot 
 
 Hog killing time, 
 Have the water boiling hot. 
 
 Hog killing time ; 
 Git yer knife all sharp an keen 
 
 Kase dat hog yer got clean 
 Den cut de fat fum de lean 
 
 Hog killing time. 
 
12. 
 
 Good ole chitling an pork chops 
 Hog killing time, 
 
 Make yer lips go flippert}^ flop- 
 Hog killing time; 
 
 Breakfast bacon and nice ham 
 Cooked in de ole frying pan^ 
 
 De bes eating in de Ian 
 Hog killing time. 
 
 Sausages an nice hogshead, 
 
 Hog killing time, 
 Wid a hunk ob hot corn bread 
 
 Hog killing time ; 
 Liver, spare rib and pigs feet 
 
 Dat kind of living am hard to beat 
 And dats de kind ob grub to eat, 
 
 Hog killing time. 
 
 Pig tail an nice crackling bread, 
 
 Hog killing time, 
 Bekase de hungry must be fed 
 
 Hog killing time ; 
 When yer want to eat a snack 
 
 Go to de smoke house an on de rack, 
 Dar you'll see some ole fat back, 
 
 Hog killing time. 
 
 Try de fat up to make lard, 
 
 Hog killing time. 
 Put it aside and let it get hard, 
 
 Hog killing time ; 
 Take de lard and fry some tripe, 
 
 It beats all de turkey an snipe, 
 When you are froo you can smoke yer pipe, 
 
 Hog killing time. 
 
13- 
 HOW I FOOLED DADDY. 
 
 I stole off fum my dad one day 
 
 Kase he wants me to work an nebber play, 
 So I jes got my line an hook 
 
 An scampered off down to de brook, 
 I could hyar him callin, "Zeke ; 
 
 Well ef dat boy aint got a cheek. 
 Running off keepin me waitin; 
 
 Well ef he don beat ole Satan." 
 
 So I put some bait on my hook 
 
 An frew it out in de brook, 
 Den I waited a minute or so, 
 
 When under de water my cork did go; 
 Den all at once I jerked it out 
 
 An on dat hook was a big trout; 
 So I took it off an laid it aside. 
 
 To take it home an hab it fried. 
 
 Den I baited my hook ergin 
 
 An in de brook I frew it in, 
 So my line begin to git taut 
 
 An dar was anudder fish I caught ; 
 Well he tried to git away. 
 
 But he was on dat hook to stay 
 So I pulled it out an bless de Ian, 
 
 Anudder trout big as my han. 
 
14- 
 
 Den I hurd my daddy callin me 
 
 "Well whar in de worl kin dat boy be ? 
 
 A lazy scamp running off; 
 
 I'll bet he is hidin up in de lof , 
 
 Leabin all dis work fo me ter do; 
 
 He'll know who is boss when I git froo 
 Gibbin him sech a lamin he aint had befo; 
 
 He'll nebber hide fum me no mo." 
 
 Fishin am better dan milkin a cow, 
 
 Or driven a hoss hitched ter a plow; 
 Pullin fodder or shellin corn, 
 
 Gittin up early in de morn 
 Feedin de chickens an de hogs, 
 
 Takin de ax an breakin up logrs; 
 Sich hard work I'll always shun 
 
 Roastin ter def in de hot sun. 
 
 But when my daddy saw dem trout 
 
 Yer ought ter seed his tongue stick out: 
 '*Well I declar, now, look at dat ! 
 
 Two great big fish all nice and fat. 
 Whar did yer ketch dem fishes boy ?" 
 
 An den his heart jes leaped fo joy. 
 "Yer say yer kotched em in de brook, 
 
 Cum hyar Samanthy an jes look !" 
 
 Den mammy she cum up an sed, 
 
 "Two nice fresh fish an gills all red, 
 Yer aint lazy, am yer son ? 
 
 Jes wait till dem fish git dun; 
 Yer shall hab a great big piece, 
 
 All swimming in hot grease." 
 Did I enjoy it ? Well I should snicker, 
 
 Twas better dan corn bread an pot licker. 
 
15. 
 
 So arter we had ate dem fishes fishes, 
 
 An mammy she washed up de dishes, 
 Daddy he goes an chop de wood 
 
 An doin eberyfing he could 
 To keep de house full ob sunshine, 
 
 While I looked arter my hook an line. 
 But ef I hadn't caught dem fish, I know 
 
 I would hab got a floggiu, sho. 
 
 THE KITCHEN MECHANIC. 
 
 You may have your chambermaids and nurses, 
 also 
 Schoolteachers, stenographers and musicians 
 But there is one that I like best and she is all 
 right, I know; 
 And I know I am not talking on suspicion: 
 She bakes the nicest biscuits and makes the nicest 
 tea. 
 And you just ought to smell them pork chops 
 a-frying, 
 She is a cook from her heart, and certainly is 
 good to me. 
 So I'll take the kitchen mechanic for mine. 
 
i6. 
 
 She works for the aristocrats that have money to 
 burn, 
 And they buy the best the market affords; 
 They pays her a big salary for they know it is 
 well earned: 
 An-d I don't have to pay nothing for my board. 
 She goes down to market and buys fish by the 
 bunch, 
 And she saves me the largest one on the line; 
 If I don't get it for breakfast, I'll get it for lunch 
 That's why I like the kitchen mechanic for 
 mine. 
 
 Her Boss gave a dinner to the head of the Nation 
 
 And the members of the Cabinet were invited, 
 So I had to take Mr. Roosevelt's invitation, 
 
 He responded by saying, "I am delighted." 
 And when they brought in the dessert, some 
 apple roly boly 
 
 With sauce seasoned with nice sherry wine ; 
 When the President tasted it, he just shouted, 
 "Holy," 
 
 Give me the kitchen mechanic for mine. 
 
 She goes about her work and never complains 
 
 Like some people you see when they are workin 
 But whatever she does she takes the best of pains. 
 
 And from her duty she is never shirkin; 
 So, Vv'hen she washes the dishes and washes the 
 kitchen flooi. 
 
 And how she makes them pots and kettles 
 shine! 
 She then sits down to rest after her work is o'er. 
 
 So I'll keep the kitchen mechanic for mine. 
 
17. 
 
 She went out one evening to cook a special 
 dinner 
 For some people that came here on a visit, 
 And everybod)' at the table says that girl is a 
 winner, 
 Because everything she cooks is just exquisite. 
 So they went in the kitchen to give her the glad 
 hand : 
 And told her that her cooking was superfine, 
 So the bow that she gave them, I tell you it was 
 grand 
 And I'll stand by the kitchen mechanic for 
 mine. 
 
 So one these days I'll make a change which will 
 be for the best 
 By making you see a wise suggestion, 
 Because I have no rival to get in no contest; 
 
 So that is why I am going to pop the question, 
 And when she accepts me and says she'll be my 
 wife. 
 And down the City Hall I'll go a-flying 
 To get a piece of paper that'll make us happy 
 for life; 
 Then the kitchen mechanic will be all mine. 
 
 
 KM VM 
 
i8. 
 BAD EPHRIAM. 
 
 Ephriam Johnson, look hyar chile, 
 
 Wha make yer so bad, 
 Ef yer don behave yerself 
 
 I am sho gwine tell yer dad. 
 When yer knows, Ise sick enuff 
 
 To be right in de bed. 
 De way dat yer am carrying on 
 
 Will sholy kill me daid. 
 
 De odder day, I sed ter yer, 
 
 Go chop me up some wood; 
 Yer didn't eben move er peg 
 
 But right dar yer stood, 
 Until I got behine yer 
 
 Wid my piece ob rawhide 
 An gib yer a good flogging 
 
 An den yer nearly flied. 
 
 Yer teacher tole me that yer aint 
 
 Bin to skul fo a week. 
 Stan dar like yer deaf an dum 
 
 Ez tho yer can not speak, 
 Arter yer dady work all day 
 
 On de ole plantashun 
 En try ter sen yer to skul 
 
 To git an eddycashun. 
 
19. 
 
 So when yergit in company, 
 
 Yer will know how to tawk 
 An when yer sot down to yer meals, 
 
 Know how to hole yer fawk. 
 But ef yer don study dem lessons, 
 
 An stop dat playing hookey 
 Yer will grow up an ignoramus 
 
 Ks shos my name is Sukey. 
 
 Brudder Williams tole me de odder day 
 
 Dat he saw yer coating 
 Walkin tween two yaller gals, 
 
 Doing nuthin but spoatin. 
 Ef I eber hyar dat ergin, 
 
 Yer know what I am gwine do, 
 I'll git my rawhide down ergin 
 
 An cut yer haf in two. 
 
 Now Ise dun froo talkin 
 
 Kase yer knows right fum wrong 
 En when I tell yer to do a thing, 
 
 I want yer to move erlong. 
 Yer is jes doin dat to pester me 
 
 But I'll take yer down a button hole lower, 
 An ef yer don beliebe me boy, 
 
 Jes try me an I'll show yer. 
 
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20. 
 
 WHAR DE POT AM BILING STRONG- 
 
 Look here uncle Erastus, tell me 
 
 Why in the Kitchen you always stay; 
 You come here early in the morning, 
 
 An remain in there all day. 
 "Well honey Ise gwine tell yer 
 
 An I don't fink dat Ise wrong; 
 De reason dat I like de Kitchen, 
 
 Kase dat am whar de pot biles strong 
 
 "De parlor an de dining room 
 
 Am very good yer see, 
 It am good fo some people, 
 
 But tain de place fo me. 
 Ise satisfied wid de Kitchen 
 
 Kase dats de place whar I belong; 
 An I'll always be contented 
 
 Whar de pot am biling strong.*' 
 
 Uncle Erastus, will you kindly 
 
 Tell me what is in dat pot ? 
 "Go long chile don pester me, 
 
 Kant yer smell dem cabbage hot ? 
 Yer want me to git my banjo. 
 
 Come in de parlor an sing a song 
 But yer am sadly mistaken, 
 
 Kase dat aint whar de pot biles strong. 
 
21. 
 
 ''Oh, uncle, "says Miss lyUcy, 
 
 ''Come out and see our new game," 
 But he looked at the young lady 
 
 For a while then exclaimed, 
 ''I aint got no time fo Base Ball, 
 
 Neither Tennis nor Ping Pong, 
 But I'll play it in the kitchen 
 
 Whar de pot am biling strong." 
 
 Ebery Cook in de neighborhood 
 
 Calls me their star boarder, 
 Bekase I always keep my bread 
 
 An meat choppers in good order; 
 *'Git out ob here," said A.unt Chloe, 
 
 Ef yer don 't I '11 burn yer wid dese tongs. " 
 I don care, I am not a gwine 
 
 Fum whar de pot am biling strong. 
 
 An when Ise froo on dis earth, 
 
 I'll go up to dat land 
 Whar all de angels den will form 
 
 A glorious happy band. 
 But you will find me in de kitchen 
 
 Kase dats de place whar I belong, 
 An I'll be de Superintendent 
 
 Whar de pot am biling strong. 
 
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22. 
 
 SINCE CHARLEY'S BIN UP NORF. 
 
 My son, Charley, has bin away 
 
 But now he has returned, 
 He mout ez well stayed at home 
 
 Fo nothing up dar he's learned, 
 Ceptin putin on lots of airs 
 
 En treatin me wid much scoff. 
 He is jes done gotten beside hissef 
 
 Sence Charley's back fum Norf. 
 
 He came home wid a gret big trunk 
 
 Umbrella an suit case ; 
 So now he wants to be de boss 
 
 Kn tries ter rule de place. 
 But I am gwine ter run dis shack 
 
 Unless my brains git soft 
 En let him know he shant rule me, 
 
 Bekase he is bin up Norf. 
 
 I sed ter him be odder day 
 
 "Bring sum water fo decow." 
 He looked at me in stonishment 
 
 En sed he did'nt know how. 
 He did'nt want ter go an bring 
 
 Sum eggs down fum de lof, 
 Bekase he is gotten so prowd 
 
 Sence he is back fum Norf. 
 
23- 
 
 He is dun fogotten his childhood days 
 
 When he was a little chap, 
 Settin down on de bar flo 
 
 Wid a tin plate in his lap, 
 But now he mus haf napkin rings, 
 
 Finger bowls, an table clof, 
 En all dat sort of foolishness 
 
 Sence Charley's back fum Norf. 
 
 He smokes imported terbacker 
 
 Dat cums in a gold box. 
 En now he don't eben want to wear 
 
 His mammy's home made sox. 
 But warin pattern leather shoes. 
 
 En clothes made ob broad cloff, 
 Silk hat, an a gret big walkin cane 
 
 Sence Charley's back fum Norf. 
 
 He had a gal name Liza Jane 
 
 En she was good an true. 
 Now he is dun stuck on a city gal 
 
 En says, that Liza wont do. 
 When he was sick she used ter bring 
 
 Him nice hot chicken brof, 
 En now he's done gone turned her down 
 
 Sence Charley's back fum Norf. 
 
 After I dun work fum morn till nite, 
 
 Ter keep dat boy in skule; 
 He treats me wid no mo respect 
 
 Dan ef I was a mule. 
 But one desedays I'll lose my temper, 
 
 En de handle I'll fly off 
 En make him fogit all erbout 
 
 Dat he's eber seed up Norf. 
 
24- 
 
 THE INNOCENT PRISONER 
 
 It was in a crowded court room that I strolled, 
 There stood a prisoner at the bar, haggard, old 
 and gray; 
 And on his face, he wore a look of sorrow and 
 despair, 
 That looked as though it never had a tender 
 mother's care. 
 ''What is the charge," inquired the judge, as 
 stern as could be ; 
 "Murder, your honor," replied the clerk, "in 
 the first degree." 
 "Hold on," replied the prisoner, "don't say 
 those words again , 
 Because I was not in that place, when that 
 man was slain. 
 I am a stranger in this town and haven't got one 
 friend, 
 And if you will permit me, judge, myself I 
 must defend. 
 I have no money, as you can see, but there is 
 one thing I own 
 And that is an honest heart, I wouldn't give 
 for a throne. 
 So now, if )^ou will give me a chance at what I 
 have to say 
 And I will tell you only the truth, let come 
 what may. 
 I had a kind and loving mother and a dear father 
 also ; 
 To find my better parents, you would have to 
 search I know. 
 
25 
 
 I had everything that heart could wish and was 
 sent to Sunday School 
 And had a lovely teacher who taught me the 
 
 golden rule; 
 She was a kind and loving lady and thought 
 
 the world of me 
 And I don't believe that there is any as fine 
 as she. 
 Then I grew to be a young man and my future 
 looked bright, 
 Which filled my parents' heart with much joy 
 and delight. 
 Things went on for a while, then something 
 strange occured, 
 I fell into bad company and from home I was 
 lured. 
 Then to, the gambling table, my supposed friends 
 and I would go. 
 Where everything looked inviting and the 
 lights were all aglow. 
 Then we would spend most of our time in that 
 ' horrible place. 
 
 Which brought me down to nothing but shame 
 and disgrace. 
 
 Then I commenced to drinking and lost all self- 
 respect 
 
 Until I became to nothing but a total wreck. 
 My parents, they pleaded with me from bad 
 company refrain. 
 But it had gotten the best of me and their 
 pleadings were in vain. 
 It grieved ray poor old mother so to see her only 
 boy. 
 
 Should lead a life as I was, when I was her 
 pride and joy. 
 
26. 
 
 She lingered on for a while, until finally one 
 day, 
 The Lord, He sent his messenger down and 
 taken her away. 
 Then everybody went back on me, my supposed 
 friends also, 
 Until I was left alone and had no place to go. 
 My father said, 'Never again do I want to see 
 your face, 
 Because you have brought upon me shame 
 and disgrace.' 
 I said, 'Father forgive me for the wrong I have 
 done.' 
 But he turned a deaf ear to me and said, 'Never 
 be gone.' 
 I wandered off for months and around the count- 
 ry, I did roam 
 But it had no charms for me as my old former 
 home. 
 I was passing by a church on an Easter Sunday 
 morn 
 And I dont believe I've heard sweeter music 
 since I was born, 
 A lady sang a solo entitled, 'Where is my boy 
 tonight ?' 
 Which brought me back to my childhood, 
 when I was young and bright. 
 Then from that day, I started to lead a better life 
 And by doing so, I was blessed with a dear 
 devoted wife. 
 And heaven, also, blessed us with a darling lit- 
 tle boy, 
 Which added to our pleasures and was our 
 pride and jo5^ 
 
27. 
 
 He grew to be a 3^oiing lad until finally one day, 
 An angel visited our home and took our child 
 away. 
 Then grim death came again and visited our 
 home, 
 And it claimed my dear beloved wife and left 
 me all alone. 
 So gentlemen, I have told the truth and I sin- 
 cerely hope, 
 That I will not die the death at the end of a 
 rope, 
 My time is nearly ended on this earth as you can 
 see : 
 So please dont punish an innocent man and 
 set the guilty free." 
 Then as he turned to face the jury, who sat with 
 silent breath, 
 His work was done, his lips were sealed, bis 
 eyes were closed in death. 
 
 THE THANKSGIVING DINNER, 
 
 'Twas at a Thanksgiving dinner 
 
 In de state of Louisiana, 
 Gibbin by an aged couple; 
 
 Deacon Snowball an aunt Hannah: 
 Eberyfing dat you could menshun; 
 
 It was on dat bill ob fare. 
 Good ole chicken wid brown gravy, 
 
 Juicy roast beef nice and rare. 
 
28. 
 
 Den we had a great big roast pig 
 
 En a double-jointed possum 
 Wid an apple in its mouth; 
 
 Byes lookin like an apple blossom. 
 Ole aunt Hannah baked de turkey 
 
 An dis am de way she dressed it, 
 She fixed dat turkey to perfection 
 
 An it looked like it was double-breasted. 
 
 Den we had some good ole cabbage 
 
 All cooked up with nice fat-back, 
 All sprinkled wid salt and pepper 
 
 Made my Hps go smackery smack. 
 Den we had some nice fried codfish. . 
 
 Good ole black bass an baked trout 
 Seasoned wid parsley an onions 
 
 Wid de gravy oozing out. 
 
 Den we had fur vegetables, 
 
 String beans an black-eyed peas, 
 Stewed tomatoes; nice and sweetened 
 
 As de honey fum de bees; 
 Den we had some maccaroni, 
 
 Good hot hoe-cake on de griddle 
 All ripped open in de back. 
 
 An butter flung right in de middle. 
 
 So den when it came to dessert 
 
 We had ice cream an rice puddin 
 Cakes and pies ob all description; 
 
 To refuse it, no I couldn't. 
 An we had some nuts an raisins, 
 
 Oranges an fruits ob all kind 
 An a jug ob apple brandy, 
 
 Also some blackberrj- wine. 
 
29. 
 
 When we sembled roiin dat table 
 
 Eberybody in dere places 
 lyookin good as anybody 
 
 Wid sweet smiles on our faces, 
 So we helped ourselves a plenty 
 
 Kase dar were nuff to go around; 
 But an ole man in dat party 
 
 Just as greedy as a hound. 
 
 So he just hollored right out, 
 
 ''When am dat meat gwine git karved ? 
 I aint got no time fo tawkin 
 
 Kase I am mouty nigh starved." 
 Den aunt Susan, she just bellowed, 
 
 "Why man don' be such a glutton 
 You dun ate up haf de roast beef 
 
 An want to finish up on de mutton," 
 
 So after we had finished eating, 
 
 Just to please de ole folks. 
 We sang an played on de organ 
 
 Also cracked some funny jokes; 
 So after it was all over 
 
 Everybody treated right, 
 
 We all joined in and sang, "Home sweet 
 home," 
 
 And bade every one good-night. 
 
 10 ■^. 
 
 
30. 
 UNCLE JOSH 
 
 Uncle Josh he came to town , 
 
 To buy himself a bed, 
 He went into a furniture store 
 
 And this is what he said, 
 "I want to see one of your beds 
 
 The finest that you've got, 
 And if you have one that I like 
 
 I'll buy it on the spot." 
 
 So the clerk a very polite young man, 
 
 Says, "Certainly, follow me, 
 And I will show you what we have 
 
 And also guarantee 
 That the beds we have in stock, 
 
 They really are the strongest, 
 Because they are made of the best material 
 
 And also last the longest. 
 
 ''Now here is a beautiful folding bed 
 
 And also up-to-date, 
 So I'll advise you to buy this one 
 
 Before it is too late. 
 It has a lookiflg glass in front 
 
 And selling ver)^ cheap. 
 And time you get into this bed 
 
 You will go right off to sleep . ' ' 
 
31 
 
 *'Now suppose this bed was to close up 
 
 And in it, I would get caught, 
 And another thing, I am afraid. 
 
 It is a little too short." 
 Says the clerk, "Why no, I don't think so, 
 
 If you will only see through it, 
 Because when you get in this bed, 
 
 Two feet are added to it. 
 
 "Now here is a bed of solid oak 
 
 And one of cherry stain, 
 And an iron bed that will stand the test 
 
 As long as the world remains; 
 So here is a white enameled bed 
 
 With brass knobs on the end 
 And every bed we have in stock 
 
 I can certainly recommend. 
 
 "Now if you will permit me," 
 
 The ambitious young man said, 
 "I am sure you will make no mistake - 
 
 By selecting this spring bed." 
 "No, I don't want no spring bed. " 
 
 Said uncle Josh with a frown, 
 "I want a bed that I can use 
 
 All the whole year around." 
 
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32. 
 THE UNLUCKY SUITOR. 
 
 I wonder if there are other beaux 
 
 As unlucky as I. 
 I can't get a girl to save my life, 
 
 No matter how hard I try; 
 I fell in love with a damsel 
 
 The sweetest girl in town 
 And I thought I had her dead for sure 
 
 Until she turned me down. 
 
 So then I started out again 
 
 To see what I could do, 
 I called on a young lady 
 
 That I had in view, 
 But she got stuck on a young man 
 
 Because he was a soldier, 
 And when I paid her another call, 
 
 She gave me the cold shoulder. 
 
 So a chum of mine carried me around 
 
 To meet his sweetheart's friend; 
 Of course I was tickled most to death 
 
 Thinking my troubles were at an end. 
 So when he introduced us, 
 
 I bowed so sweet and cute, 
 She says, "I am pleased to meet you 
 
 But I am sorry you don't suit." 
 
33- 
 
 But I didn't give up in despair 
 
 On this sweetheart hunt. 
 I called on a young lady 
 
 By the name of Miss Blount ; 
 And then I popped the question, 
 
 Thinking she was the real thing 
 Until she said, "My suitor must 
 
 Give me an engagement ring." 
 
 Says I, "Look here young lady. 
 
 That's too much taffy for a cent 
 You should be satisfied with a husband 
 
 That is willing to pay the rent. 
 Then have to buy the marketing 
 
 And look after the fuel, 
 So I might as well tell you now 
 
 I think you awful cruel." 
 
 So young men take my advice, 
 
 Don't live beyond your means, 
 If you can't afford to buy turkey. 
 
 Why live on pork and beans ; 
 And don't marry an extravagant woman 
 
 But just leave her alone : 
 For if you don't she will keep your nose 
 
 Right at the grinding stone. 
 
 So then I met another lady 
 And with me she was smitten, 
 
 I always found her industrious 
 Either sewing or knitting ; 
 
 So I congratulated my self 
 
 And said, "She is mine I know :" 
 
 Until her father said, he thought she was 
 Too young to have a beau. 
 
34- 
 
 **Well," said I, "I guess I had better go, 
 
 I am sorry that we must part : ' ' 
 Says she, "My darling, please don't go 
 
 Because you are the light of my heart." 
 That was more than the old man could stand, 
 
 And before I was aware 
 He hollered, "Mary, you put out that light 
 
 And come right straight upstairs." 
 
 LUCINDIA. 
 
 Ise dun got myself a wife 
 
 And I am de happiest man in town 
 Kase I cut de odder fellows out 
 
 And married Lucindia Browm. 
 She had lots of admirers, 
 
 But I put dem up de spout; 
 She called me her dear shining light 
 
 And blew de odders out. 
 
 Now I'll tell yer de easiest way 
 
 Ef yer want to win a bride, 
 De fust thing is fo you to do 
 
 Git de ole folks on yer side; 
 Kase de}' can do a lot fo yer 
 
 To help to git a wife. 
 Kase dey did it fo me yer see. 
 
 Now I'll be happy fur life. 
 
35- 
 
 When we came out on de street, 
 
 Gee but didn't dem boys git jealous ? 
 I could see dem on de sly 
 
 Swelling out like a bellows. 
 So one fellow came to me and said, 
 
 "I challenge yer fo a duel 
 Bekase yer stole my gal fum me, 
 
 Which I think was awful cruel." 
 
 I said, " I got something else to do 
 
 Besides going round fighting, 
 But ef yer git my blood a biling, 
 
 I'll whip yer quickern lightning." 
 So he dropped his head and walked away 
 
 And not another word he muttered, 
 Bekase I told him he had better find out 
 
 What side his bread was buttered. 
 
 Den my wife came up to me and said, 
 
 "Yer is as brave as yer can be, 
 Dats de kind ob husband I want. 
 
 Who is willing to protect me. 
 Yer stood yer ground without a flinch, 
 
 Wid lots ob grit an sand, 
 An I aiu shame to tell yer, 
 
 Dats what I call a man." 
 
 Now^ you know dat made me feel good 
 
 An jes gotten married too, 
 So I sed to her, "You are my wife. 
 
 And I'll stick to yer like glue. 
 I tole yer parents I'd protect yer, 
 
 Assho as my name is Thomas; 
 So you can go an tell the world 
 
 That I shall keep my promise." 
 
36. 
 FAMILY COMPLAINTS. 
 
 Well uncle, how are yon today? 
 
 Thankee boss, jes niiddlin. 
 Why, you are looking so happy and gay, 
 
 As though 5^ou have been fiddling. 
 Well, boss, I tell yer, I jes tuk 
 
 My ole fiddle down jes fo luck 
 An tried to play dat Mobile Buck, 
 
 But no, I didn't. 
 
 Well, how are you today, auntChloe ? 
 
 Well Doctah Ise mouty poley. 
 You don't mean it, is that so ? 
 
 I mean dat thing sholy. 
 Yer see Ise got a tech ob grip 
 
 An a fever blister on my lip 
 An a pain around my hip. 
 
 But, thank God, Ise holy. 
 
 Well uncle Zeb, how are you tonight ? 
 
 Oh, Doctah Ise mouty sick. 
 Why your eyes are clear and your pulse all 
 right, 
 
 And looking better than you were last 
 week. 
 Well, Doctah, I'll tell yer how it is, 
 
 Ise got a case of rheumatiz 
 An I can't hear fum my dear Liz, 
 
 But I'll not kick. 
 
37- 
 
 Well, aunt Dinah, how are you? 
 
 Oh, Doctah, Ise got an awful pain. 
 I was in hope that you would be better 
 
 When I called again. 
 Well Ise got a miser^^ in my side 
 
 And I thought last nite I would have 
 died, 
 But ob course, I am satisfied, 
 
 So I'll not complain. 
 
 Well uncle Remus, how are you this time ? 
 
 Oh Doctah, I aint feeling spry. 
 Why you look juSt like the picture of health. 
 
 And I really don't see why. 
 Well Ise got an abcess in my toof 
 
 An I don feel well as I did in youth, 
 So now, Ise dun tole you de trufe 
 
 But I'll not cry. 
 
 Well aunt Betsy how do you feel ? 
 
 Oh, Doctah, I feel mouty blue, 
 Why, I dont see how that can be. 
 
 What can be the matter with you ? 
 Well, Ise got a pain around my liver. 
 
 Had a chill las nitedat made me shiver 
 But I felt better arter I got under de kiver, 
 
 But I'll pull froo. 
 
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38. 
 WHAT CAME TO MY MIND. 
 
 One day while on a river bank, 
 
 And sitting on a log 
 And looking at the tadpoles. 
 
 How they turned to a frog, 
 So this thought came into my mind, 
 
 As I looked with a sigh, 
 I went and got some buckwheat cakes 
 
 And made the butterfly. 
 
 A little boy hungry, one day. 
 
 Wanted something to eat. 
 His mother sent him out to see 
 
 If the butcher had pig feet. 
 So when he brought her the answer 
 
 It was surprising news, 
 •*I really could not tell, because 
 
 The butcher had on shoes. ' ' 
 
 A physician in our town 
 
 By the name of Bell, 
 Went in the country to visit, 
 
 And was drowned in a well. 
 So the coroner held the inquest 
 
 And felt his collar bone, 
 Said he should have attended the sick 
 
 And left the well alone. 
 
39' 
 
 While visiting in the country 
 
 On my summer vacation, 
 And having a glorious time, 
 
 On the old plantation ; 
 A milkmaid one day milked a cow 
 
 To have the milk for lunch, 
 All at once the cow kicked the maid 
 
 And gave her a milk punch. 
 
 A tramp went to a lady's house 
 
 And asked her for a dime, 
 Says she, *'Why look here, I believe 
 
 You loaf half of the time." 
 So the tramp says, "Of course 'tis true, 
 
 What I ask for is rather small. 
 But don't you know a half a loaf 
 
 Is better than no loaf at all ?" 
 
 A party went out in a boat 
 
 For a nice quiet sail, 
 All at once the boat capsized 
 
 In an awful stormy gale. 
 Some of them said, "Throw me a rope,' 
 
 Some grabbing at a straw, 
 But I got me a bar of soap 
 
 And washed myself ashore. 
 
 THE VEGETABLE CONVENTION 
 
 The vegetables held a convention 
 Every one was represented. 
 
 The Onion was the strongest, 
 Because you see it was scented. 
 
40. 
 
 The Potato played an important part. 
 
 Which was not a surprise ; 
 It could see what was going on 
 
 Because it had its eyes. 
 
 The Corn was very conspicious 
 And was the only one could hear. 
 
 The reason was because you see 
 It brought with it its ear. 
 
 The Pea was the only delegate 
 That played such a high card ; 
 
 It was the only one had company 
 Because it brought its pard. 
 
 The lettuce tried to make a speech 
 But it was a little too green, 
 
 So it had to take its seat by saying,. 
 "Treat me like a human bean." 
 
 The asparagus was there also 
 
 All tied up in a knot, 
 It made an insinuating remark 
 
 Which made the pepper red hot. 
 
 The squash was there with its colors 
 And made one member sweet, 
 
 By sa5dT]g to that delegate, 
 
 "You are nothing but a dead beet. 
 
41. 
 
 The Cucumber and turnip 
 
 The tomato and the kale 
 Said any one that made such a remark 
 
 Ought to be sent to jail. 
 
 So the cabbage sat there looking meek, 
 
 And not one word it said, 
 So it wise by keeping mum 
 
 And it came out ahead. 
 
 So when the meeting was all over, 
 
 They stood there in a group. 
 The parsley said, "Good-bye Mr. Carrot, 
 
 I'U meet you in the soup." 
 
 PICKING ON A BIG HAM BONE. 
 
 Some people crave for music 
 
 And always want to sing, 
 But I don't like it not one bit 
 
 Not if I were a king. 
 I can not sing contralto. 
 
 Tenor, bass, nor baritone, 
 But I can entertain anybody 
 
 Picking on a big ham bone. 
 
42. 
 
 I went to the Theatre one night 
 
 To see the people act, 
 I did not like the show one bit 
 
 And wanted my money back. 
 One man sang "Bab5^'s lullaby," 
 
 And he was overgrown, 
 Why I could beat him ten to one 
 
 Picking on a big ham bone. 
 
 I was invited to a party 
 
 Given by some friends of mine. 
 They had everything that heart could wish 
 
 And looking sweet and fine. 
 Then they requested me to sing, 
 
 '*My old Kentucky home," 
 I said I might sing it if I were 
 
 Picking on a big ham bone. 
 
 Some people they like chicken. 
 
 And some like turkey and duck. 
 And some, you see, likes a roast pig 
 
 And ail that sort of truck. 
 But I will tell you what I like, 
 
 Just give me a hot corn pone 
 And I will be there with the goods 
 
 Picking on a big ham bone. 
 
 I attended a camp meeting 
 
 To hear the old folks sing, 
 The music that they sang that day 
 
 Through the air it did ring; 
 Then some one knelt down and prayed 
 
 Until it made me groan 
 Because I couldn't entertain them 
 
 Picking on a big habm one. 
 
43- 
 
 I went into a truck field 
 
 To see the farmer's crops. 
 Strawberries and black-eyed peas 
 
 Were just as thick as hops. 
 So the farmer says, pick some berries, 
 
 But I says, leave me alone 
 Because I am going away and 
 
 Pick on my big ham bone. 
 
 Some people plays the organ 
 
 And some the mandolin, 
 Some also pick the guitar 
 
 And beat the tambourine; 
 I can not pick the banjo. 
 
 Nor play the xylophone 
 But I won a medal one day 
 
 Picking on a big ham bone. 
 
 And when my work on earth is done, 
 
 And I shall close my eyes, 
 I'll be up in that land above 
 
 To the mansion in the skies. 
 And when old Gabriel's trumpet blows 
 
 When we meet around the throne, 
 Then I will join in the chorus 
 
 By picking on my big ham bone. 
 
 
 
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44- 
 
 HOW I WON SUSANNA. 
 
 Talk about your sweethearts 
 
 Ise got one hard to beat, 
 Her name, Susanna Flapjack 
 
 And looks good ernuff to eat. 
 She is got dis coal black hair 
 
 And sholy am good lookin 
 She went down town de odder day 
 
 An had he picture tookin. 
 
 I'll tell yer how I won her 
 
 It was just like dis: 
 We were playing ring around de rosy 
 
 An gibbin all er kiss. 
 Good lawd er mussey, when my mouf 
 
 Pressed ginst dem ruby lips 
 It tickled me all ober, 
 
 Bz I caught dem honey drips. 
 
 So I scoted her home dat evening 
 
 An was just on de verge 
 To ax her to become my wife, 
 
 But couldn't pluck de courage. 
 So I went to a friend of mine 
 
 Dat had been dar befo. 
 An axed him, please to help me out, 
 
 Sa)^s he, "Why to besho." 
 
 Ll- U ^ 
 
45 
 
 So yer want to marry my daughter, 
 
 But permit me say, 
 I'd like to know ef you have anything 
 
 Saved up fo a rainy day ? 
 Says I, why yes indeed, I have, 
 
 As we puffed on our cheroots : . 
 I have an umbrella and a makintosh 
 
 And a pair of rubber boots. 
 
 
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