1920 
 Copy 1 
 
 ri<? 
 
 SHAM 
 
 A SOCIAL SATIRE IN ONE ACT 
 BY FRANK G. TOMPKINS 
 
 ^^ 
 
 
 1 STEWART KIDD 
 
 •MODERN PLAYS 
 
 EDITED BY FRANK SHA"y 
 
The Portmanteau Plays 
 
 BY STUART WALKER 
 
 Edited and with an introduction by Edward Hale Bierstadt 
 
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 volumes are literary without being pedantic, and dramatic without 
 being noisy. They are a genuine addition to the steadily growing list of 
 worthwhile plays by American dramatists. Stewart & Kidd are to be con- 
 gratulated on presenting them to the public in such attractive format." 
 
 Vol. 1— Portmanteau Plays 
 
 Introduction 
 
 The Trimplet 
 
 Nevertheless 
 
 Six Who Pass While the Lentils Boil 
 
 Medicine Show 
 
 Vol. 2 — More Portmanteau Plays 
 
 Introduction 
 
 The Lady of the Weeping Willow Tree 
 
 The Very Naked Boy 
 
 Jonathan Makes a Wish 
 
 To be issued shortly 
 
 Vol. 3— Portmanteau Adaptations 
 
 Introduction 
 
 Gammer Gurton's Needle 
 
 The Birthday of the Infanta 
 
 "Seventeen" 
 
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 Stewart & Kidd Company 
 
 Publishers Cincinnati, U. S. A. 
 
STEWART KIDD MODERN PLAYS 
 
 Edited by Frank Shay 
 
 SHAM 
 
Stewart Kidd Modern Plays 
 
 Edited by Frank Shay 
 
 T^O MEET the immensely increased de- 
 -^ mands of the play-reading public and those 
 interested in the modern drama, Stewart & Kidd 
 Company are issuing under the general editor- 
 ship of Frank Shay a series of plays from the 
 pens of the world's best contemporary writers. 
 No effort is being spared to secure the best 
 work available, and the plays are issued in a 
 form that is at once attractive to readers and 
 suited to the needs of the performer and 
 producer. 
 
 From time to time special announcements will 
 be printed giving complete lists of the Plays. 
 Those announced thus far are: 
 
 SHAM, a Social Satire in One Act. 
 By Frank G. Tompkins. 
 Originally produced by Sam Hume, at the 
 Arts and Crafts Theatre, Detroit. 
 
 THE SHEPHERD IN THE DISTANCE, 
 
 a Pantomime in One Act. By Holland Hudson. 
 Originally produced by the Washington Square 
 Players. 
 
 MANSIONS, a Play in One Act. 
 By Hildegarde Planner. 
 
 Originally produced by the Indiana Little 
 Theatre Society. 
 
 HEARTS TO MEND, a Fantasy in One Act. 
 By H. A. Overstreet. 
 
 Originally produced by the Fireside Players, 
 White Plains, N. Y. 
 
 Bound in Art Paper. Others to follow. 
 
SHAM 
 
 A SOCIAL SATIRE 
 
 By 
 FRANK G. TOMPKINS 
 
 Originally produced by Sam Hume as the dedicatory piece 
 
 of the new Arts & Crafts Theatre, Detroit, and by 
 
 Maurice Browne of the Chicago Art Theatre. 
 
 CINCINNATI 
 
 STEWART & KIDD COMPANY 
 
 PUBLISHERS 
 

 Copyright, 1920 
 STEWART & KIDD COMPANY 
 
 All Rights Reserved 
 Copyrighted in England 
 
 Reprinted by special arrangement with Mr. Frank G. Tompkins 
 
 The professional and amateur stage rights on this play are strictly 
 
 reserved by the author. Applications tor permission to produce this 
 
 play should be made to Mr. Frank Shay, care Stewart & Kidd Co., 
 Cincinnati, U. S. A. 
 
 1% 30 1920 
 ClA598e73 
 

 SHAM 
 
 By Frank G. Tompkins 
 
 Three people : Charles, the householder. 
 Clara, his wife. 
 The Thief. 
 
 Scene: A darkened room. 
 
 After a moment the door opens, admitting a 
 streak of light, A man peers in cautiously. As 
 soon as he is sure that the room is unoccupied, 
 he steps inside and feels along the wall until he 
 finds the switch which floods the room with 
 light. He is dressed in impeccable taste — evi- 
 dently a man of culture. From time to time he 
 bites appreciatively on a ham sandwich as he 
 looks about him, apparently viewing the room 
 for the first time. Nothing pleases him until a 
 vase over the mantel catches his eye. He picks 
 it up, looks at the bottom, puts it down hard, 
 and mutters, ^^ Imitation.'^ Other articles re- 
 ceive the same disdainful verdict. The whole 
 room is beneath his notice. He starts to sit 
 down before the fire and enjoy his sandwich. 
 Suddenly he pauses to listen, looks about him 
 hurriedly for some place to hide, thinks better 
 of it, and takes his stand opposite the door, 
 smiling pleasantly and expectantly. The door 
 opens and a young woman enters with a man at 
 her heels. As she sees the thief she stifles a 
 scream and retreats, backing the man out be- 
 hind her. The thief smiles and waits. Soon 
 
 5 
 
SHAM 
 
 the door opens again, and the man enters with 
 the woman clinging to him. They stand oppo- 
 site the thief and stare at him, not sure what 
 they ought to say or do. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 (pleasantly) Good evening! (pause) Good 
 evening, good evening. You surprised me. 
 Can't say I expected you home so soon. Was 
 the play an awful bore? (pause) We-e-ell, 
 can't one of you speak. I CAN carry on a con- 
 versation alone, but the question-and-answer 
 method is usually preferred. If one of you will 
 ask me how I do, we might get a step farther. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 (breathlessly) You — you — (with growing con- 
 viction) You're a thief! 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Exactly. And you, madame ? The mistress of 
 the house, I presume. Or are you another 
 thief? The traditional one that It takes to 
 catch the first? 
 
 CLARA 
 
 This — this Is OUR house. Charles, why don't 
 you do something? Don't stand there like a — 
 Make him go away! Tell him he mustn't take 
 anything. (Advancing toward the thief and 
 speaking all in one sentence) What have you 
 taken? Give it to me Instantly. How dare 
 you ! Charles, take it away from him. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 (apparently not afraid, a little amused, but un- 
 certain what to do, finally adopting the bullying 
 tone) I say, old man, you'd better clear out. 
 6 
 
SHAM 
 
 We've come home. You know you can't — come 
 now, give it up. Be sensible. I don't want to 
 use force — 
 
 THIEF 
 
 I don't want you to. 
 
 CHARLES ^ 
 
 If you've got anything of ours — We aren t 
 helpless, you know. (He starts to draw some- 
 thing black and shiny from his overcoat pocket. 
 It might he a pistol, but he does not reveal its 
 shape.) 
 THIEF 
 
 Let's see those glasses. Give them here (takes 
 them from the uncertain Charles). Perhaps 
 they're better than mine. Fme cases. (Iries 
 them) Humph! Window glass! Take them 
 back. You're not armed, you know, i threw 
 your revolver down the cold-air shaft. Never 
 carry one myself— in business hours. Yours 
 was in the bottom of your bureau drawer, bad 
 shape, those bureau drawers were m. Nice and 
 neat on top; rat's nest below. Shows up your 
 character in great shape, old man. Always tell 
 your man by his bureau drawers. Didn t it ever 
 occur to you that a thief might drop in on you 
 some night ? What would he think of you f 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 I don't think — 
 
 THIEF 
 
 You should. I said to myself when I opened 
 that drawer: "They put up a great surface, but 
 they're shams. Probably streak that runs 
 through everything they do." You ought to be- 
 
 7 
 
SHAM 
 
 gin with real neatness. This other sort of thing 
 is just a form of dishonesty. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 You ! Talking to US about honesty — in our 
 house ! 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Just the place for honesty. Begins at home. 
 Let's — 
 
 CLARA 
 
 Charles, I won't stand this? Grab hold of 
 him. Search him. You hold him. I'll tele- 
 phone. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 You can't. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 You've cut the wires. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Didn't have to. Your telephone service has 
 been cut off by the company. I found that out 
 before I came. I suspect you neglected the bill. 
 You ought not to, makes no end of trouble. 
 Inconvenienced me this evening. Better get it 
 put in right away. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 Charles, do I have to stand here and be in- 
 sulted? 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Sit down. Won't you, please ! This is your 
 last ham-sandwich, so I can't offer you any, but 
 there's plenty of beer in the cellar, if you care 
 8 
 
SHAM 
 
 for it. I don't recommend it, but perhaps you're 
 used to it. 
 
 CLARA (almost crying) 
 
 Charles, are you going to let him preach to us 
 all night ! I won't have it. Being lectured by 
 a thief! 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 You can't stop a man's talking, my dear, espe- 
 cially this sort of man. Can't you see he's a 
 born preacher? Old man, while advice is going 
 round, let me tell you that you've missed your 
 calling. Why don't you go in for reform? 
 Ought to go big. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 Oh, Charles ! Don't talk to him. You're a 
 good deal bigger than he is. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Maybe I'll jiu-jitsu him. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 He's insulting you now, Charles. Please try. 
 I'll hold his feet. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 No doubt you would. But that wouldn^t stop 
 my talking. You'd be taking an unfair ad- 
 vantage, too; I couldn't kick a lady, could I? 
 Besides, there are two of you. You leave it to 
 Charles and me. Let's have fair play, at least. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 Fair play? I'd like to know — 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Ple-e-ase, don't screech ! My head aches and 
 9 
 
SHAM 
 
 your voice pierces so. Let's sif down quietly 
 and discuss the situation like well-bred people, 
 and when we've come to some understanding, 
 I'll go. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 Yes, after you've taken everything in the house 
 and criticised everything else you can't take, 
 our manners and our morals. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 But he is't taking anything now, is he? Let the 
 poor chap criticise, can't you? I don't suppose 
 he often meets his — er — customers socially. 
 He's just dying for a good old visit. Lone- 
 some profession, isn't it, old man? 
 
 CLARA 
 
 If you WON'T do anything, I'll call the neigh- 
 bors. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 No neighbors to call. Nearest one a block 
 away, and he isn't at home. That comes of 
 living in a fashionable suburb. Don't believe 
 you can afford it, either. WON'T you sit down, 
 madame? I can't till you do. Well, then I 
 shall have to stand, and I've been on my feet 
 all day. It's hardly considerate (plaintively). 
 I don't talk so well on my feet, either. It will 
 take me much longer this way. (Clara bounces 
 into a chair, vieaning fully) Thank you, that's 
 better (sighs with relief as he sinks into the easy 
 chair) I knew I could appeal to your better 
 nature. Have a cigarette ? (Charles accepts 
 one from his beautiful case) And you, 
 madame? 
 
 lO 
 
S H A M 
 
 CLARA (puts out her handy but withdraws it 
 quickly) 
 
 Thank you, I don't care to smoke — with a thief. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Right. Better not smoke, anyway. I'm so old- 
 fashioned, I hate to see women smoke. None 
 of the women in my family do it. Perhaps 
 we're too conventional — 
 
 CLARA 
 
 I don't know that I care to be like the women 
 of your family. I will have one, if you please. 
 No doubt you get them from a man of taste. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Your next-door neighbor. This is — was — his 
 case. Exquisite taste. Seen this case often, I 
 suppose? (He eyes them closely) Great 
 friends? Or perhaps you don't move in the 
 same circles. (Clara glares at him) Pardon 
 me. Tactless of me, but how could I guess? 
 Well, here's your chance to get acquainted with 
 his cigarettes. Will you have one now? 
 
 CLARA 
 
 I don't receive stolen goods. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 That's a little hard on Charles, Isn't It? He 
 seems to be enjoying his. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Bully cigarette. Hempsted's a connoisseur. 
 Truth is — we don't know the Hempsteds. 
 They've never called. 
 
 II 
 
SHAM 
 
 THIEF 
 
 That's right, Charles. Tell the truth and shame 
 (with a jerk of his head toward Clara) — you 
 know who. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 Charles, there isn't any reason, I'm sure — 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Quietly, please. Remember my head. I'm 
 sorry but I must decline to discuss your social 
 prospects with you, and also your neighbors' 
 shortcomings, much as we should all enjoy it. 
 There isn't time for that. Let's get down to 
 business. The question we'v^e got to decide and 
 decide very quickly is, What would you like to 
 have me take? 
 
 CLARA (aghast) 
 
 What would we — what would we like to have 
 you take? Why — why — you can't take any- 
 thing now; we're here. Of all the nerve! 
 What would we like — 
 
 THIEF 
 
 It gains by repetition, doesn't it. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 You've got me, old man. You'll have to come 
 again. I may be slow, but I don't for the mo- 
 ment see the necessity for your taking anything. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 I was afraid of this. I'll have to begin farther 
 back. Look here now, just suppose I go away 
 and don't take anything (with an air of tri- 
 umph) How would you like that ? 
 
 12 
 
SHAM 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Suits me to a "T." How about you, my dear? 
 Think you can be firm and bear up under it? 
 
 THIEF , 
 
 Don't be sarcastic. YouVe too big. Only 
 women and little men should be sarcastic. Be- 
 sides, it isn't fair to me, when I'm trying to 
 help you. Here am I, trying to get you out ot 
 a mighty ticklish situation, and you go and get 
 funny. It isn't right. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Beg pardon, old man. Try us in words of one 
 syUable. You see this is a new situation for us. 
 But we're anxious to learn. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Listen, then. See if you can follow this. Now 
 there's nothing in your house that I want; noth- 
 ing that I could for a moment contemplate keep- 
 ing without a good deal of pain to myself. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 We're trying to spare you. But if yo« care to 
 know, we had the advice of Elsie de Wolte. 
 
 THIEF (wonderingly) 
 
 Elsie de Wolfe ? Elsie, how could you ! Now, 
 if you had asked me to guess, I should have 
 said— the Pullman Company. I shudder to 
 think of owning any of this bric-a-brac myselt. 
 But it must be done. Here am I offering to 
 burden myself with something I don't want, 
 wouldn't keep for worlds, and couldn t seU. 
 (Growing a little oratorical) Why do I do 
 this? 
 
 13 
 
SHAM 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Yes, why do you ? 
 
 CLARA 
 
 Hush, Charles; it's a rhetorical question; he 
 wants to answer it himself. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 I do it to accommodate you. Must I be even 
 plainer? Imagine that I go away, refusing to 
 take anything in spite of your protests. Imag- 
 ine it's to-morrow. The police and the report- 
 ers have caught wind of the story. Something 
 has been taken from every house in Sargent 
 Road — except one. The nature of the articles 
 shows that the thief is a man of rare discrim- 
 ination. To be quite frank — a connoisseur. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 A connoisseur of what? Humph! 
 
 THIEF 
 
 And a connoisseur of such judgment that to 
 have him pass your Rubens by is to cast doubt 
 upon its authenticity. I do not exaggerate. Let 
 me tell you that from the Hempsteds — (Clara 
 leans forward, all interest) — but that would 
 take too long. (She leans back) The public 
 immediately asks. Why did the thief take noth- 
 ing from 2819 Sargent Road? The answer is 
 too obvious : There is nothing worth taking at 
 2819 Sargent Road. 
 
 CHARLES ( comprehendingly ) 
 Um-hu-m ! 
 
 THIEF 
 
 The public laughs. Worse still, the neighbors 
 14 
 
SHAM 
 
 laugh. What becomes of social pretensions 
 after that? It's a serious thing, laughter is. 
 It puts anybody's case out of court. And it's a 
 serious thing to have a thief pass you by. Peo- 
 ple have been socially marooned for less than 
 that. Have I made myself clear? Are you 
 ready for the question ? What would you like 
 to have me take? 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Now, old man, I say that's neat. Sure you 
 aren't a lawyer? 
 
 THIEF 
 
 I have studied the law — but not from that side. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 It's all bosh. Why couldn't we claim we'd lost 
 something very valuable, something we'd never 
 had? 
 
 THIEF (solemnly) 
 
 That's the most shameless proposal I've ever 
 heard. Yes, you could lie about it. I can't con- 
 ceal from you what I think of your moral stand- 
 ards. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 I can't imagine you concealing anything un- 
 pleasant. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 It's no worse than — 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Your moral sense is blunted. But I can't attend 
 to that now. Think of this : Suppose, as I said, 
 I should take nothing and you should publish 
 
 15 
 
SHAM 
 
 that bare-faced lie, and then I should get caught. 
 Would I shield you? Never. Or suppose I 
 shouldn't get caught. Has no one entered your 
 house since you have been here? Doesn't your 
 maid know what you have ? Can you trust her 
 not to talk? No, no, it isn't worth the risk. 
 It isn't even common sense, to say nothing of 
 the moral aspects of the case. Why do people 
 never stop to think of the practical advantages 
 of having things stolen ! Endless possibilities ! 
 Why, a woman loses a $5 brooch and it's im- 
 mediately worth $15. The longer it stays lost, 
 the more diamonds it had in it, until she prays 
 God every night that it won't be found. Look 
 at the advertising she gets out of it. And does 
 she learn anything from it? Never. Let a 
 harmless thief appear in her room and she yells 
 like a hyena instead of saying to him, like a 
 sensible woman : "Hands up ; I've gort: you right 
 where I want you; you take those imitation 
 pearls off my dresser and get to hell out of here. 
 If I ever see you or those pearls around here 
 again, I'll hand you over to the police." That's 
 what she ought to say. It's the chance of her 
 life. But unless she's an actress, she misses it 
 absolutely. A thief doesn't expect gratitude, 
 but it seems to me he might at least expect un- 
 derstanding and intelligent co-operaticai. Here 
 are you facing disgrace, and here am I willing 
 to save you. And what do I get? Sarcasm, 
 cheap sarcasm ! 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 I beg your pardon, old man. I'm truly sorry. 
 You're just too advanced for us. Clara, there's 
 an idea in it. What do you think? 
 16 
 
S H A xM 
 
 CLARA 
 
 It has its possibilities. Now if he'll let me 
 choose — Isn't there a joker in it somewhere? 
 Let me think. We might let you have some- 
 thing. What do you want? 
 
 '^HIEF (indignantly) 
 
 What do I want? I — don't want — anything. 
 Can't you see that? The question is, What do 
 you want me to have? And please be a little 
 considerate. Don't ask me to take the pianola 
 or the ice-box. Can't you make up your minds. 
 Let me help you. Haven't you got some old 
 wedding gifts ? Everybody has. Regular white 
 elephants, yet you don't dare get rid of them 
 for fear the donors will come to see you and 
 miss them. A discriminating thief is a godsend. 
 All you have to do is write: "Dear Maude and 
 Fred: Last night our house was broken into, 
 and of course the first thing that was taken was 
 that lovely Roycroft chair you gave us." Or 
 choose what you like. Here's opportunity 
 knocking at your door. Make it something 
 ugly as you please, but something genuine. I 
 hate sham. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 Charles, it's our chance. There's that lovely, 
 hand-carved — 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Stop ! I saw it (shuddering) It has the marks 
 of the machine all over it. Not that. I can't 
 take that. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 Beggars shouldn't be — 
 17 
 
SHAM 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Where's my coat? That settles it. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 Oh, don't go ! I didn't mean ir. Honestly I 
 didn't. It just slipped out. You mustn't leave 
 us like this — 
 
 THIEF 
 
 I don't have to put up with such — 
 
 CLARA 
 
 Oh, please stay, and take something! Haven't 
 we anything you want? Charles, hold him; 
 don't let him go. No, that won't do any good. 
 Talk to him — 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Don't be so sensitive, old man. She didn't 
 mean it. You know how those old sayings slip 
 out— just say themselves. She only called you 
 a little beggar anyway. You ought to hear 
 what she calls me sometimes. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 I don't want to. I'm not her husband. And I 
 don't believe she does it in the same way, either. 
 But I'm not going to be mean about this. I'll 
 give you another chance. Trot out your curios. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 How about this? Old luster set of Clara's 
 grandmother's. I'm no judge of such things 
 myself, but if you could use it, take it. Grand- 
 dad gave it to her when they were sweethearts, 
 didn't he, Clara? 
 
 i8 
 
SHAM 
 
 THIEF 
 
 That! Old luster? That jug won't be four 
 years old its next birthday. Don't lay such 
 things to your grandmother. Have some re- 
 spect for the dead. If you gave more than 
 $3.98 for it, they saw you coming. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 You don't know anything about it. You're just 
 trying to humiliate us because you know you 
 have the upper hand. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 All right. Go ahead. Take your own risks. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 There's this Sheffield tray? 
 
 THIEF 
 
 No. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Do you like Wedgewood? 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Yes, where is it? (Looks at it) No. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 This darling hawthorne vase — 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Please take it away. It isn't hawthorne. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 I suppose Cloisonne — 
 
 THIEF 
 
 If they were any of them what you call them. 
 But they aren't. 
 
 19 
 
SHAM 
 
 CHARLES , 
 
 Well, if you'd consider burnt wood, ihat s a 
 genuine burn. 
 
 rpTTTp "P 
 
 Nothing short of cremation would do jt justice. 
 
 Of course I've got to take one of them, if they re 
 
 all you've got. But honestly, there isn t one 
 
 genuine thing in this house, except Charles— 
 
 and — and the ham sandwich. 
 CLARA (takes miniature from cabinet) 
 
 I wonder if you would treasure this as I do. 
 
 It's very dear to me. It's grandmother— 
 THIEF (suspiciously) 
 
 Grandmother again? 
 
 CLARA , . c 4.Uo<- 
 
 As a little girl. Pamted on ivory, bee that 
 quaint old coral necklace. And those adorable 
 ?ellow curls. And the pink circle comb. Would 
 you like it ? 
 
 ^Trying to appeal to my sympathy I've a good 
 notion to take it to punish you. I wonder if 
 IS your grandmother. There isn't the slightest 
 family resemblance. Look here !— it is !— it s 
 a copy of the Selby miniature ! Woman do you 
 knTwho that 'is? It's Harriet Beecher 
 Stowe at twelve. What have you done with 
 my overcoat? 
 
 ^Tgiv^up. Here it is. Clara, that was too bad. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 I wanted to see if he d know. 
 
 20 
 
SHAM 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 There's no use trying to save us after this. 
 We'll just have to bear the disgrace. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Charles, you're a trump ! I'll even take that 
 old daub for YOU. Give it to me. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Walt a minute. You won't have to. Say, 
 Clara, where is that old picture of Cousin Paul? 
 It's just as bad as it pretends to be, if genuine- 
 ness is all you want. 
 
 THIEF (suspiciously) 
 
 Who is Cousin Paul? Don't try to ring in 
 Daniel Webster on me. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Cousin of mine. Lives on a farm near Mad- 
 ison, Wisconsin. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 You don't claim the picture is by Sargent or 
 Whistler? 
 
 CLARA 
 
 It couldn't be — 
 THIEF (ignoring her pointedly) 
 
 Do you, Charles? 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Certainly not. It's a water color of the purest 
 water, and almost a speaking likeness. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 I'll take Cousin Paul. Probably he has human 
 interest. 
 
 21 
 
SHAM 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 That's the last thing I should have thought of 
 in connection with Cousin Paul. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Bring him, but wrapped, please. My courage 
 might fail me if I saw him face to face. 
 
 CHARLES (leaving room for picture) 
 Mine always does. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 While Charles is wrapping up the picture, I 
 want to know how you got back so early. Your 
 maid said you were going to the Garrick. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 We told her so. But we went to the moving 
 pictures. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 You ought not to go to the movies. It will de- 
 stroy your literary taste and weaken your minds. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 I don't care for them myself, but Charles won't 
 see anything else. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 You ought to make him. Men only go to the 
 theater anyway because their wives take them. 
 They'd rather stay at home or play billiards. 
 You have a chance right there. Charles will 
 go where you take him. By and by he will begin 
 to like it. Now to-night there was a Granville 
 Barker show at the Garrick, and you went to 
 the movies to see a woman whose idea of cute- 
 ness is to act as if she had a case of arrested 
 mental development. 
 
 22 
 
SHAM 
 
 CHARLES (entering, doing up picture) 
 
 Silly old films, anyway. But Clara will go. 
 Goes afternoons when I'm not here, and then 
 drags me off again in the evening. Here's your 
 picture, as soon as I get it tied up. Can't tell 
 you how grateful we are. Shall we make it 
 unanimous, Clara? 
 
 CLARA 
 
 I haven't the vote, you know. Clumsy! give 
 me the picture. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Don't try to thank me. If you'll give up this 
 shamming I'll feel repaid for my time and 
 trouble (looking at watch) By Jove ! it's far 
 too much time. I must make tracks this min- 
 ute. I'll feel repaid if you'll take my advice 
 about the theater for one thing, and — why 
 don't you bundle all this imitation junk together 
 and sell it and get one genuine good thing? 
 (Clara leaves, apparently for more string) 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Who'd buy them? 
 THIEF 
 
 There must be other people in the world with 
 taste as infallibly bad as yours. 
 
 CHARjlES 
 
 Call that honest? 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Certainly. I'm not telling you to sell them as 
 relics. You couldn't in the first place, except to 
 a home for the aged and indigent blind. But 
 I know a man who needs them. They'd rejoice 
 
 23 
 
SHAM 
 
 his heart. They'd be things of beauty to him. 
 I wish I could help you pick out something with 
 your money. But I don't dare risk seeing you 
 again. 
 
 CLARA (re-entering, with the picture tied) 
 Why not? There's honor among thieves. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 There is. If you were thieves, I'd know just 
 how far to trust you. Now, I'd be willing to 
 trust Charles as man to man. Gentleman's 
 agreement. But (looking at Clara) I don't 
 know — 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Clara is just as honest as we are — with her own 
 class. But your profession puts you outside the 
 pale with her; you're her natural enemy. You 
 haven't any rights. But you've been a liberal 
 education for us both. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 I've been liberal. You meet me — listen I — there 
 are footsteps on the porch. I — I've waited too 
 long. Here I've stood talking — 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Well, stop it now, can't you. I don't see how 
 you've ever got anywhere. Hide ! 
 
 THIEF 
 
 No, it can't be done. If you'll play fair, I'm 
 safe enough here in this room, safer than any- 
 where else. Pretend I'm a friend of yours. 
 You will? Gentleman's agreement? (he shakes 
 hands with Charles) 
 
 24 
 
SHAM 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Gentleman's agreement. My word of honor. 
 
 CLARA (offers her hand as Charles starts for the 
 door) 
 
 Gentleman's agreement, but only in this. I 
 haven't forgiven you for what you've said. If 
 I ever get you in a tight place — look out. 
 
 THIEF (taking her hand) 
 
 Don't tell more than the one necessary lie. It's 
 so easy to get started in that sort of thing. Stick 
 to it that I'm a friend of the family and that I've 
 been spending the evening. God knows I have ! 
 
 CLARA 
 
 I'll try to stick to that. But can't I improvise a 
 little? It's such fun! 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Not a bit. Not one little white lie. 
 
 CHARLES (entering with a young man behind him) 
 It's a man from the News. He says he was out 
 here on another story and he's got a big scoop. 
 There's been some artistic burglary in the neigh- 
 borhood and he's run onto it. I told him we 
 hadn't lost anything and that we don't want to 
 get into the papers ; but he wants us to answer 
 a few questions. 
 
 REPORTER 
 
 Please do. I need some stuff about the neigh- 
 borhood. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 I don't know, Charles, but that it's our duty. 
 (She smiles wickedly at the thief) Something 
 
 25 
 
SHAM 
 
 we say may help catch the thieves. Perhaps we 
 owe it to law and order. 
 
 REPORTER 
 
 That's right. Would you object if I used your 
 
 name? 
 
 (Charles and the thief motion to Clara to keep 
 
 still, but throughout the rest of the conversation 
 
 she disregards their frantic signals, and sails 
 
 serenely on.) 
 
 CLARA 
 
 I don't know that we should mind if you men- 
 tion us nicely. Will the Hempsteds be in? I 
 shan't mind it, if they don't. 
 
 REPORTER 
 
 Good for you. Now, have you — 
 
 CLARA 
 
 We have missed something. We haven't had 
 
 time to look thoroughly, but we do know that 
 
 one of our pictures is gone. 
 
 (The men are motioning to her, hut she goes on 
 
 sweetly.) 
 
 REPORTER 
 
 A-a-ah ! Valuable picture. He hasn't taken 
 anything that wasn't best of its class. Remark- 
 able chap. Must be the same one that rifled the 
 Pierpont collection of illuminated manuscripts. 
 Culled the finest pieces without a mistake. 
 
 THIEF (interested) 
 
 He made one big mistake. He — (stops short) 
 
 REPORTER 
 
 Know the Pierponts ? 
 
 26 
 
SHAM 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Er — ye-es. I've been in their house. (Retires 
 from the conversation. Clara smiles.) 
 
 REPORTER 
 
 Well, believe me, If he's taken anything, your 
 reputation as collectors is made. Picture, eh? 
 Old master, I suppose? 
 
 CLARA 
 
 A family portrait. We treasured it for that. 
 Associations, you know. 
 
 REPORTER 
 
 Must have been valuable, all right. Depend on 
 him to know. He don't run away with any junk. 
 Who was the artist? 
 
 CLARA 
 
 We don't know — definitely. 
 
 REPORTER 
 
 Never heard it attributed to anybody? 
 
 CLARA 
 
 We don't care to make any point of such things. 
 But there have been people who have thought — 
 it was not — a — a Gilbert Stuart. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Clara! 
 
 CLARA 
 
 I don't know much about such things myself. 
 But our friend (nods toward the thief), Mr. — 
 Mr. Hlbbard — who has some reputation as a 
 collector, has always said that it was — not. In 
 spite of that fact, he had offered to take it off 
 
 • our hands. 
 
 . 27 
 
SHAM 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Clara, you're going too far — 
 
 REPORTER 
 
 She's quite right. You're wrong, Mr. Hibbard, 
 You may be good, but this fellow KNOWS. 
 Too bad you didn't take it while the taking was 
 good. This fellow never sells. Of course he 
 can't exhibit. Just loves beautiful things. No, 
 sir, it was real. 
 
 THIEF (between his teeth) 
 
 It wasn't. Of all the — 
 CLARA (smiling) 
 
 You take your beating so ungracefully, Mr. 
 
 Hibbard. The case, you see, is all against you. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Be careful. The picture may be found at any 
 minute. Don't go too far. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 I hardly think it will be found unless the thief 
 is caught. And I have such perfect confidence 
 in his good sense that I don't expect that. 
 
 REPORTER 
 
 Lots of time for a getaway. When was he 
 here? 
 
 CLARA 
 
 He was gone when we came from the theater. 
 But we must almost have caught him. Some of 
 our finest things were gathered together here on 
 the table ready for his flight. How he must 
 have hated to leave them, all the miniatures and 
 the cloissone. I almost feel sorry for him. 
 28 
 
SHAM 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 I do. 
 CLARA 
 
 You see, we went to the Garrlck for the Gran- 
 ville Barker show. Mr. Hibbard took us (she 
 smiles sweetly at htm) I'm devoted to the best 
 in drama and I always insist that Charles and 
 Mr. Hibbard shall take me only to the finest 
 things. And now we come home to find our — 
 You're sure it was a Gilbert Stuart? — gone. 
 
 THIEF 
 
 I've got to be getting out of here ! Can't stay 
 a minute longer! Charles, I wish you luck in 
 that reform we were speaking of, but I haven't 
 much hope (looking at Clara) There is such 
 a thing as total depravity. Oh, here ! (taking 
 package from under his arm) What am I 
 thinking of? I was running away with your 
 package (hands it to Clara) 
 
 CLARA (refusing it) 
 
 Oh, but it's yours, Mr. Hibbard. I couldn't 
 think of taking it. Really, you must keep it to 
 remember us by. Put it among your art treas- 
 ures at home, next to your lovely illumiinated 
 manuscripts, and whenever you look at it re- 
 member us and this delightful evening, from 
 which we are all taking away so much. You 
 must keep it — that's part of the bargain, isn't 
 it? And now are we even? 
 
 THIEF 
 
 Even ? Far from it. I yield you your woman's 
 right to the last word, and I admit it's the best 
 (stoops and kisses her hand) Good-night, 
 29 
 
SHAM 
 
 Clara. (To the reporter) May I give you a 
 lift back to town? 
 
 REPORTER 
 
 Thanks. As far as the Hempsted's corner. 
 Good-night. Thank you for this much help. 
 (Exeunt,) 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Thank goodness, they've gone. What relief! 
 That pace is too rapid for me. You had me 
 running round in circles. But he's got the pic- 
 ture, and we're safe at last. But don't you 
 think, Clara, you took some awful risks. You 
 goaded him pretty far. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 I had to. Did you hear him call me Clara? 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 He had to (chuckling) He doesn't know our 
 name. But he wasn't a bad fellow, was he? 
 I couldn't help liking him in spite of his impu- 
 dence. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 You showed it. You took sides with him 
 against me all the time the reporter was here. 
 But, you know, he was right about our house. 
 It's all wrong. The Hempsteds would see it 
 in a minute. ^ I believe I'll clear out this cabinet 
 and have this room done over in mahogany. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 Too expensive this winter. 
 
 CLARA 
 
 Birch will do just as well — nobody knows the 
 difference. Listen! is he coming back? 
 
 30 
 
SHAM 
 
 REPORTER (in the doorway) 
 
 Excuse me — listen. Mr. Hibbard says you've 
 given him the wrong package. He says you 
 need this to go with the picture of your grand- 
 mother. And he says, sir, that you need to get 
 wise to your own family. He's waiting for me. 
 Good-night ! (Exit) 
 
 CHARLES (angrily) 
 
 Get wise to my own family? He may know all 
 about art (undoing the picture) but I guess I 
 know my own relatives. (Holds up picture so 
 that audience can see it, but he can't) And if 
 that isn't a picture of my own cousin Paul, I'll 
 eat — (sees Clara laughing) What the devil I 
 (Looks at picture, which represents George 
 Washington) Clara ! you did that ! (laughs up- 
 roariously) You little cheat! 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 31 
 
Ready Shortly 
 
 The Provincetown Plays 
 
 Edited by- 
 George Cram Cook and Frank Shay 
 
 THE CONTENTS ARE: 
 
 Alice Rostetter's comedy The Widow's Veil 
 
 James Oppenheim's poetic Night 
 George Cram Cook's and 
 
 Susan Glaspeirs Suppressed Desires 
 
 Eugene O'Neiirs play Bound East for Cardiff 
 
 Edna St. Vincent Millay's Aria de Capo 
 
 Rita Wellman's String of the Samisen 
 
 Wilbur D. Steele's satire Not Smart 
 
 Floyd Dell's comedy The Angel Intrudes 
 
 Hutchin Hapgood's and 
 
 Neith Boyce's play Enemies 
 
 Pendleton King's Cocaine 
 
 Every author, with one exception, has a book or more to 
 his credit. Several are at the top of their profession. 
 
 Rita Wellman, a Saturday Evening Post star, has had two 
 or three plays on Broadway, and has a new novel, THE 
 WINGS OF DESIRE. 
 
 Cook and Glaspell are well known — he for his novels, and 
 Miss Glaspell for novels and plays. 
 
 E. Millay is one of America's best minor poets. Steele, 
 according to O'Brien, is America's best short-story writer. 
 
 Oppenheim has over a dozen novels, books of poems and 
 essays to his credit. 
 
 O'Neill has a play on Broadway now, BEYOND THE 
 HORIZON. 
 
 Hutch. Hapgood is author of the STORY OF A LOVER, 
 published by Boni and Liveright anonymously. 
 8do. Silk Cloth, Gilt Top, Net $3.00: % Turkev Morocco, Net $12.00 
 
 STEWART & KIDD COMPANY 
 
 PUBLISHERS CINCINNATI, U. S. A. 
 
7() lit: PUBLISHED s 
 
 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 liillllllllllllllllll* 
 
 015 928 573 A 
 
 Fifty Contemporary One -Act Plays 
 
 Edited by Frank Shay and Pierre Loving 
 
 rh,s volume contains KIKTY RKPRESENTATIVE ONE-ACT 
 PI AYS ot the MODERN THEATRE, chosen from the dramatic 
 
 works of coiucinporarv writors all over the world. 
 
 THF. CONTKN rS ARE 
 SPAIN: 
 
 Ar STRIA: 
 Schnit/lor ^Arthur'' Literature 
 
 niTC.ll'M: 
 MiiotexUttck ^Muurlce^ The Intruder 
 
 UOl IMA: 
 More vKeiierico^ Interlude 
 
 FRANCF: 
 
 Ancey C^ot>r>ieM. Lamblln 
 Torto-Riche vC.et>r>ies^ Franct>isi-'s 
 luck 
 
 C;FRMANY: 
 FttUuiler vKiirF-Altruism 
 von Hofmunsthal vHu^o'Miidonna 
 
 \>>dekind i.Fn\nk' The Tenor 
 
 C;RF AT BRITAIN: 
 
 Bonnoft Arnold A Cood\>oman 
 1 nldoron .George -The Little Stone 
 
 House 
 l.imn:in .Cilbort -Mary's Weddlnjl 
 Oowson Ernest The IMerrot of the 
 
 Minute 
 Fills .Mrs. Havelock^-The Subjection 
 
 of Ke/la 
 Ihinkln ^St. John^ The Constant 
 
 Lover 
 INDIA: 
 
 Mukorjl Ohan Copcil' The Jud^- 
 
 nient of India 
 
 IREL.\NT): 
 Grejiory Lady The Workhouse Ward 
 
 HOLLAND: 
 
 Spveenhoff ^J. H.^-Louis.- 
 HITS GARY: 
 
 Biro Lajos'>-The Grandmother 
 ITALY: 
 
 Glacosa vGiuseppe''-The Ri>lhts of the 
 Soul 
 Rl SSL\: 
 
 Andrevev (.Leonid^ - Love of One's 
 Neijihbor 
 
 Tchekoff , Anton' -The Boor 
 
 Benevente (,Jaclnto>-Love Shocks 
 Ouinteros <Serafina and Joaquin 
 Alrarexl-A Sunn>- Morninit 
 
 SWEDEN: 
 Strindberil *, August V The Strontter 
 Wied vGustaveV Autumn Fires 
 
 ITXITED STATES: 
 Beach ^.Lewis'*- Brothers 
 Cowan vSada'^-ln the Morgue 
 Gjocier vBosworthWThe Baby Gar- 
 
 rlnfte 
 CronjTi (.Geooie W.VA Death in Fever 
 
 Flat 
 Davies i,Marycarol\Ti"^-The Slave with 
 
 Two Faces 
 Day ^Frederic L.)-The Slump 
 Flanner vHilde^iurdeUManslons 
 Glaspell Susjin -Trifles 
 (;erstenber>i (.Alice The Pot BoUer 
 Helburn ^Theresa '-Enter the Hero 
 Hudson TIolland)-The Shepherd in 
 
 the Distance 
 Kemp Tlsirry^ - Boccaccio's Untold 
 
 Tale 
 Laniiner \L;iMreuce> - Another Way 
 
 Out 
 Millav vEdna St. Vincent -Arlo del 
 
 Gap.i 
 MvK^'ler iPhll!p Helena's Husband 
 Miviher vJohn Chapia -Sauce for the 
 
 Emperor 
 O'Neil (.Euiiene -He 
 Stevens Tliomas Wood)-The Niu-sery 
 
 Maid of Heaven 
 Stevens ^.Wallace) -Three Travelers 
 
 Watch a Sunrise 
 Tompkins Fr.»nk G.i-Sham 
 W alker ^ Stuart -The Medicine Show 
 W oilman Rira^-For All Time 
 Wilde ^Percivali-The Finger of God 
 
 YIDDISH: 
 Ash Sholom -Night 
 
 Pinski .E>avid -Forgotten Souls 
 
 dorh. Gilt top VET $5.00 
 
 Turkev Morocco NET $12.00 
 
 STEWART & KIDD COMPANY 
 
 PUBLISHERS :-: CINCINNATI. U. S. A. 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 ■m. 
 
 015 928 573 Q 
 
 Hollinger Corp.