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SALMAGUJS^DI. 
 
 RIVERSIDE EDITIOJJ. 
 
SUMMER MOUSiS. 
 
SALMAGUNDI ; 
 
 OR, THE 
 
 VVHIMWHAMS AND OPINIONS OF LAUNCELOT 
 
 LANGSTAFF, ESQ., AND OTHERS. 
 
 BY 
 
 WILLIAM IRVING, JAMES KIRKE PAULDING, 
 
 AND 
 
 WASHINGTON IRVING. 
 
 In hoc eat hoax, cum quiz et jokcsez, 
 Et Bmokem, toastem, roaatem folksez, 
 
 Fee, faw, fuiii. Ptalmanazar. 
 
 With baked and boiled, and stewed and toasted, 
 And fried and broiled, and smoked and roasted. 
 We treat the town. 
 
 PRINTED FROM THE ORIGINAL EDITION, WITH A PREFACB 
 AND NOTES BY EVERT A. DUYCKINCK. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA: 
 
 J. B. LIPPINCOTT A CO. 
 
 1872. 
 
?^^o 
 
 
 Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the jear 1860, by 
 
 THE EXECUTORS OP 
 
 J. K. Paulding and WAsniNGTON Irving, 
 
 in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for 
 
 the Southern District of New York. 
 
EDITOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 I be present reprint of the following papers 
 has grown out of the repeated demand, 
 l l^o^O! of late years, for an edition of Salma- 
 GUNDi, worthy to accompany tlie collected 
 volumes of tlie writings of the distinguished authors- 
 The book would probably have been included by 
 Mr. Irvin*' in the revised edition of his works, had 
 it been wholly his own. It was published some 
 time aco, in the series of tlie writings oi" Ids friend 
 and relative, the joint author of the essays, 'Mr. Paul- 
 din«'-, and though it had been long out of print in that 
 form, Mr. Ii'ving did not seem disposed to break the 
 a-ssociation. He was accustomed, indeed, to speak 
 of it as a Ught, trivial pubUcation, the sport of his 
 boyish days ; and he certainly showed no eagerness 
 iu revivin*T it ; but we cannot suppose him insensi- 
 ble to the many excellences which the work undoubt- 
 edly possesses — charms of manner and of thought 
 springing from the Iresh joyous period of youth, and 
 lending their grace to the brightest pages of his ma- 
 tured labors. SALMAGUiyjDi is the literary parent, 
 not only of tlie " Sketch Book " and the '* Alhambra," 
 but of all the intermediate and subsequent produc- 
 tions of Irving, even of some slight ornaments of 
 the graver offspring of the " Columbus" and " Wash- 
 ington." There is, lor instance, in one of the later 
 numbers, a chapt>jr of " The Chi'onicles of the re- 
 
vi EDITOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 nowned and Ancient City of Gotham," which an- 
 ticipates the humor of Knickerbocker ; there are 
 traits of tenderness and pathos suggestive of the 
 plaintive sentiment of the " Sketch Book ; " and the 
 kindly humors of the Cocklolt mansion are an 
 American " Bracebridge Hall." 
 
 The book in fact, is every way in place in company 
 with the series of ]Mr. Irving's writings. It was not 
 all of his composition, to be sure, nor did it receive 
 that care of revision at his hands, bestowed upon his 
 other compositions in his latest editions ; but, without 
 separating his part from the rest, and making every 
 allowance for inexperience of style, we may readily 
 enough detect throughout its pages the genius of 
 Washington Irving. 
 
 Leaving the particular elucidation of the special 
 authorship of the various articles to his literary 
 executor and biographer, if he shall think proper 
 in his forthcoming work to make such an investiga- 
 tion and disclosure, we may here generally state, 
 for the information of the reader, that Salma- 
 gundi was the joint production of William Irving, 
 James Kirke Paulding, and Washington Irving. 
 It is well known that the humorous and sentimental 
 poetry of the work was wholly written by William 
 Irving, who was at the time a merchant of JSTew 
 York, and some seventeen years older than his 
 brother Washington. The genial and inventive 
 faculties of William Irving were of a high order. 
 Besides the poetry of Salmagundi, the work is in- 
 debted to him lor occasional hints and sketches 
 worked up by his brother, among which may be 
 mentioned the amusing picture of the civic militia 
 exercises in the letter of Mustapha, in the fifth 
 number, and the equally humorous sketch, of more 
 serious import, of the political " slang-whangers " 
 in the fourteenth. 
 
EDITOR' ti PREFACE. vii 
 
 William Irving married tlie sister of James Kirke 
 Paulding, who came from his home in Westchester 
 County, to New York, for the first time, on a visit 
 to his new relative. He found the house of his 
 brother-in-law in the city the genial resort of a 
 knot of wits and humorists who graced the Callio- 
 pean Society, a literary institution of those daj's. 
 An intimacy with Washington Irving sprang up, 
 of which in due time came the joint authorship of 
 Salmagundi, which was thus a species of family 
 party. A considerable portion of the book was 
 written by Paulding. We may, perhaps, trace his 
 pen in the oriental papers, a form of writing for 
 which he retained a liking, and which he practiced 
 with great spirit and elegance to the last. Many 
 of the exquisite passages of description of nature 
 were undoubtedly written by him. "Mine Uncle 
 John," a mellow, fine toned portrait, was his work, 
 and he had a hand in " Autumnal Reflections," one 
 of the most refined sentimental papers of the vol- 
 ume. It is, perhaps, a common misapprehension 
 of this eminent writer, that his pen was wanting in 
 geniality, and that he took rather a splenetic view 
 of life. This notion has probably arisen fi-ora the 
 admission of a controversial element into his pro- 
 ductions where, perhaps, it might have been better 
 shut out; but certainly, with this exception, no 
 American writer has spread upon his page more 
 feeling observation, more friendly truths, more ge- 
 nial sympathies. His favorite method of the ap- 
 ologue affords a kindly proof of this, which is no* 
 to be mistaken by those skilled in literary physiog 
 nomy. 
 
 Some ten years or more after the conclusion of 
 Salmagundi, Paulding ventured alone upon a sec 
 end series. Washington Irving was in Eiu-ope, and 
 
Viii EDITOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 the muse of Pindar Cockloft was silent. It was a 
 dangerous undertaking, for the very essence of a Sal' 
 magundi is the combination of divers ingredients — 
 a product of many minds. The new work proved 
 a little too uniform and didactic in parts. Geoffrey 
 Crayon could have pruned and heigLcened it here 
 and there. Yet it contains many delightful pages. 
 There is, among other things, a charming account 
 of a further visit to the old Cockloft Hall, inviting 
 as the old. One passage in it — the death of old 
 Cassar — has a genuine touch of pathos. The 
 cherry-tree had fallen which he had assisted his mas- 
 ter to plant sixty years before, and the poor negro 
 " seemed smitten with the same blast that leveled 
 it. It was curious," concludes the little narrative, 
 " to see how the errors of his early impressions — 
 for he was sixteen years old when brought from 
 Africa — had mixed up with the simple ideas im- 
 planted subsequently, respecting the Cliristian re- 
 ligion. His kind mistresses ministered to the wants 
 of his soul, as well as the infirmities of his body, 
 and endeavored to make him comprehend the 
 mysteries of our faith. But they were beyond his 
 reach. He feared, he said, ' the Lord would not 
 know him' — meaning that, lowly as he was, it 
 might escape the Divinity that such a being had 
 ever existed. His decay was gradual, but the 
 state of his mind was singularly compounded of the 
 mistakes of ignorance and the ramblings of light- 
 headedness, as it is called. The day before he died 
 I was in to see him. ' Massa Launcelot,' said he, 
 ' think old negro like me ever go to heaven ? ' 'I 
 warrant you, old Caesar,' replied I. He seemed com- 
 forted with the assurance, but still a doubt hung on 
 his mind — ' What will old neg-ro like me do there ? ' 
 — Then his eye seemed glad for a moment, and his 
 
EDITORS PREFACE. - [x 
 
 last words were — * Never mind — I can wait upon 
 ^he angels.' " 
 
 While we write, the remains of this author, at 
 the venerable age of eighty-two, are being borne to 
 the tomb. It is due to his memory, and to his gen- 
 erous participation in the literature of the day, to 
 express the opinion that when the productions of 
 Paulding, now for some time hidden from the world, 
 shall be revived, the public will again find in^hem, 
 a freshness and interest, a spirit and humor, unaba- 
 ted since their first appearance. To the inhabitants 
 of New York in particular, they will present strong 
 claims to attention, for the author, though he turned 
 his back upon the city, was a genuine son of Man- 
 hattan. 
 
 Of the third writer, Washington Irving, it is not 
 necessary here to speak, nor have we occasion, as 
 we have said, further to point out his share in the 
 work. The many graces and excellences of his 
 style are too well known for the reader to need 
 a guide to find them out. He will meet everywhere 
 in these pages the first sprightly efforts of invention, 
 the playful humor, the sportive fancy, the tender 
 sentiment which constituted in youth as in age — 
 Washino'ton Irvino;. 
 
 A word should be said of the publisher of the 
 work, David Longworth, a gentleman as much given 
 to whimwhams as any of the race so pleasantly sat- 
 irized in the little yellow-covered numbers which ho 
 sent forth fortnightly to the pubhc. He was the 
 theatrical publisher of the day, in the neighborhood 
 of the old Park Theatre, then a new building, hold- 
 ing his place of business on the spot now sacred so 
 the good cheer of Windust. Here he displayed, on 
 the outer wall, a huge painting of the crowning of 
 Shakespeare ; while within, a distinction for those 
 
X "'• EDITOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 times in the infant state of the arts, his shop boasted 
 as its attraction a series of the prints of AKlerman 
 Boydell's recently published Shakespeare Gallery. 
 He had been a printer, and had ingrafted on his 
 occupation a taste for elegance in typography, en- 
 graving, and binding. His beautiful " Telemachus '* 
 and other publications, would, in our day, be simply 
 accounted neat ; but in his time they made a sensa- 
 tion, very much as luxuries of furniture and living, 
 now enjoyed by everybody, were then considered 
 somewhat aristocratic, and reserved only for un- 
 doubted affluence. But Longworth had a special 
 whim for elegance. He called his shop, by a fine 
 effort of the imagination, " The Sentimental Epi- 
 cure's Ordinary ; " and as a proof of his judgment, 
 trifled with the English language. In the original 
 edition of some of his books, proper names are 
 spelt with small initial letters. Oddly enough, the 
 man who was so grandiloquent himself would not 
 allow New York its appropriate capitals. It must 
 be written new-york, and portly Philadelphia must 
 dwindle in lower-case. The wags of Salmagundi, 
 while they were laughing at the town, must some- 
 times have been tempted to place a full length of 
 their humorist publisher on his pages. 
 
 Salmagundi was quite a success on its first ap- 
 pearance. It did not make a fortune for its authors. 
 That was hardly to be expected of so modest a 
 little pamphlet ; but it created its impression. Slight 
 as it was in form, and apparently written off so 
 carelessly, it was really the most formidable incur- 
 sion which had yet been made in America into the 
 realm of taste in this species of literature. Frank- 
 lin had written a half dozen agreeable essays for a 
 newspaper, and addressed a few complimentary 
 apologues to the French ladies Francis llopkinson 
 
EDITOR'S PREFACE. - XI 
 
 was really an elegant author, who, like Belknap in 
 the Foresters, had turned the graces of his pen to 
 the decoration of politics ; Dennie wrote some inge- 
 nious lay sermons, and was steeped in rhetorical 
 refinements : but none of these were read by the 
 fair. We do not, indeed, recall a single book writ- 
 ten in America worthy of Belinda's toilet-table be- 
 fore Salmagundi. 
 
 As for the success out of doors, it must have been 
 a cheerful thing to witness. Dr. Francis, the genial 
 reminiscent, tells us : — 
 
 " Ere half a dozen numbers of Salmagundi were 
 issued, quite a commotion arose among the literati 
 and the public concerning the work and its authors. 
 The humble drudges about town, who had lived 
 obscurely, yet fancied themselves members of the 
 literary world by their revision of Dil worth; and 
 the editors of catechisms with explanatory notes, 
 were astounded at that greater eclat which elegant 
 letters secured, and which was denied to their unin- 
 ventive products ; while fashionable coteries every- 
 where were prodigal of conjectures from what mine 
 the gold dust was brought to light for the common- 
 wealth of letters. Salmagundi was found at almost 
 every tea-table. The sale announced the fact that 
 literary property was both vendible and profitable." 
 The " characters " sketched in these pleasant 
 papers were doubtless drawn more or less from the 
 life, and included most of the notabilities of the town, 
 with occasionally a glance beyond it. There are 
 said to be some touches of Dennie, the essayist and 
 critic of Philadelphia, in Launcelot Langstaff. A 
 whole bevy of beaux and belles saw themselves re- 
 fleeted in the Ding Dongs and Sophy Sparkles. The 
 base metal of Brummagem adventurers and spend- 
 thrifts was nailed to the counter bv the satire of 
 
Xii EDITORS PREFACE. 
 
 Straddle : theatrical critics were silenced by a glance 
 at themselves in the mirror of ' Sbidlikens ; fashion- 
 able upstarts shrank from the portraits of the Giblets ; 
 the small-beer of the politician soured at the thun- 
 dering satire of Dabble ; the feathers of the carpet 
 soldiers wilted when they were paraded in the regi- 
 ment of the Far>:-rao;s. Salmagundi was the mild 
 terror of the town when society was not too over- 
 grown an instrument to be played upon by a cun- 
 ning musician. 
 
 New York was a queer place then, as our own 
 New York may be, doubtless, to our descendants 
 fitly years hence, if they have a pair of Salmagundi 
 spectacles to see it with. There were all sorts of 
 humors aHoat, small and great, from fashionable 
 nothings, with their idle brains, to the heads of 
 great projectors teeming with national wonders. 
 We see something of all in the book. There is 
 that North River Society which figures on so many 
 pages. Were the wits conscious how much of the 
 future these humorous projectors, the Stevenses, the 
 Livingstons, and Fultons, held in as yet uncrystalized 
 solution in their vagaries ? Mr. Ichabod Fungus 
 laughs at that " aquatic mole or water rat," the "Tor- 
 pedo," with which the great inventor entertained the 
 town at the Battery, but we -hear nothing of his 
 waggery when the Clermont ascends the Hudson. 
 It was the heyday, too, of the Jeffersonian era, and 
 the reader may get a very good idea of the feelings 
 entertained towards the sage of Monticello, in respect 
 to his " economical " administration of embargos and 
 gun-boats. 
 
 How distant it all seems — far removed as the 
 days of the " Spectator " itself, the parent of this 
 fluttering |)rogeuy of humors and anticipations of 
 the gentle essayists. There is nothing of New York 
 
EDITOR'S PREFACE. XIU 
 
 of the present time in its pages — of our bustling, 
 driving, busy era. The town seems then to have 
 had an hour or two for a little tea-table chat. The 
 demon of ceaseless work had not then taken such 
 fnll possession of the world. There was something 
 to laugh over, and sorrow had leisure for a tear. 
 There were actors then ; people went to the theatre, 
 and talked over the performance when they came 
 away. Where is the great George Frederick now, 
 and the gentle accents of Cooper ? The poor wiz- 
 ened Frenchmen, exiles of Europe and Saint Do- 
 mingo, whose quaint habits so perplexed My Aunt 
 Charity, where are they ? Vanished fi'om earth, 
 but not before their fadeless images were stamped 
 within the leaves of this book. 
 
 Well, all have gone, writers and actors. The 
 garments of the beaux would startle us like ghosts 
 if we were to look into the old wardrobes ; the 
 beauty of the belles has withered into ashes ; good 
 and evil undreamt of have come out of the inventors 
 and politicians ; a new generation swarms with a 
 new set of follies, and we write the eulogies and 
 epitaphs of the departed humorists. So runs the 
 world away, will be the reflection of the reader as 
 he lays down these sprightly pages, redolent of 
 youth and vivacity, of the spring-time of life, when 
 satu'e itself has no bitterness, though it may affect 
 scornful words and frowning emphasis, when hope 
 spreads its gayest hues of promise, and melancholy 
 itself has its tinct of eloquence and pleasure. 
 
 The text of this edition is that of the original 
 work as it was first published by Longworth. In 
 the subsequent reprints, several papers of interest 
 
xiv EDITORS PREFACE. 
 
 were dropped, wliich are now restored. A few ver- 
 bal corrections have been made, following the Paris 
 edition of Irving's works of 1834, which had more 
 or less of the author's supervision. The notes to 
 that copy, so far as they extended, have been re- 
 tained, and will be found to be appropriately cred- 
 ited. 
 
 The interesting sketch of the Summer-house of 
 Cockloft Hall, which appears as the frontispiece, is 
 a contribution to the volume from Mr. W. A. White- 
 head, of Newark. 
 
 New York, ApHl 7, 1860. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 — • — 
 
 KO. PAQB 
 
 1 --SATURDAY, JANUARY 24, 1807 . . . 1 
 
 Publisher's Notice, Shakespeare Galleky, 
 New York 4 
 
 From the Elbow-chair of Launcelot Lang- 
 staff, Esq 5 
 
 Theatrics — Containing the Quintessence 
 of Modern Criticism. By William Wiz- 
 ard, Esq 14 
 
 New York Assembly. By Anthony Ever- 
 green, Gent 17 
 
 II. - WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1807. From 
 the Elbow-chair of Launcelot Lang- 
 staff, Esq 24 
 
 Mr. Wilson's Concert. By Anthony Ever- 
 green, Gent .31 
 
 Cockloft Family 34 
 
 To Launcelot Langstaff, Esq. ... 39 
 Advertisement 43 
 
 IIL — FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1807. From my 
 
 Elbow-chair ....... 46 
 
 Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Kelt 
 Khan, Captain of a Ketch, to Asem 
 Hacchem, Principal Slave-driver to 
 His Highness the Bashaw of Tripoli . 49 
 Fashions. By Anthony Evergreen, Gent. 55 
 
 Incog 58 
 
 Proclamation, i rom the Mill of Pindar 
 
 Cockloft, Esq. • 62 
 
 Dr. Christopher Costive .... 66 
 
xvi CONTENTS. 
 
 NO. FASB 
 
 IV. —TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 1807. From 
 
 MY Elbow-chaik 71 
 
 Memoramdums for a Tour to bk entitled 
 " The Stranger in New Jersey ; or, 
 Cockney Travelling." By Jehemy 
 Cockloft, the Younger .... 75 
 
 FROiM MY Elbow-chair 84 
 
 Flummery. From the Mill of Pindar 
 Cockloft, Esq. ; being a Poem with 
 Notes, or rather Notes with a Poem ; 
 IN THE Manner of Dr. Christopher 
 Costive 86 
 
 v. — SATURDAY, MARCH 7, 1807. From my 
 
 Elbow-chair 99 
 
 Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli 
 Khan, to Abdallah Eb'n Al Rahab, 
 
 SURNAMED the SnORER, MILITARY SEN- 
 TINEL AT THE Gate of His Highness' 
 
 Palace 99 
 
 By Anthony Evergreen, Gent. . . Ill 
 To the Ladies. From the Mill of Pin- 
 dar Cockloft, Esq 113 
 
 VL — FRIDAY, MARCH 20, 1807. From my El- 
 bow-chair 123 
 
 Theatrics. By William Wizard, Esq. . 136 
 
 VII. — SATURDAY, APRIL 4, 1807. Letter from 
 Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Khan, to 
 AsEM Hacchem, Principal Slaa'E-Driver 
 to His Highness the Bashaw of Tripoli 146 
 From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq. 
 Notes by William Wizard, Esq. . . 157 
 
 VTIL— SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 1807. By Anthony 
 
 Evergreen, Gent 164 
 
 On Style. By William Wizard, Esq. . 173 
 
 To CohllK.sPONDENTS 182 
 
CONTENTS. Xldi 
 
 NO. PAOX 
 
 IX. — SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 1807. From my 
 
 Elbow-chair 187 
 
 Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli 
 Khan, Captaik of a Ketv^h, to Asem 
 Haochem, Principal Slave-driver to 
 His Highness the Bashaw of Tripoli . 197 
 
 From the Mill ok Pindar Cockloft, 
 Esq 206 
 
 X.— SATURDAY, MAY 16, 1807. From my El- 
 bow-chair 212 
 
 To Launcelot Langstaff, Esq. . . . 214 
 The Stranger in Pennsylvania. By 
 Jeremy Cockloft, the Y''ounger . . 221 
 
 XL — TUESDAY, JUNE 2,1807. Letter from 
 Mustapha Rub-a-Bub Keli Khan, Cap- 
 tain OF A Ketch, to Asem Hacchem, 
 Principal Slave-driver to His High- 
 ness the Bashaw of Tripoli . . . 232 
 From my Elbow-chair. Mine Uncle John 244 
 
 XII. — SATURDAY, JUNE 27, 1807. From my 
 
 Elbow-chair 254 
 
 The Stranger at Home; or, a Tour, in 
 Broadway. By Jeremy Cockloft, the 
 
 Y'ounger 205 
 
 From my Elbow-chair 275 
 
 From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq. 276 
 
 XIII. — FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 1807. From my El- 
 bow-chair 281 
 
 Plans for defending our Harbor. By 
 
 William Wizard, Esq 285 
 
 From my Elbow-chair. A Retrospect; 
 
 OR, "What You Will" . . . .295 
 To Ueadki;s Ajsi^ Correspondents . . 308 
 b 
 
xviii CONTENTS. 
 
 nc PAW 
 
 XI 7. — SATURDAY, SEPT. 16, 1807. Lettpr from 
 MusTAPHA Rub- A -Dub Keli Khan, 
 
 TO ASKM HaCCHEM, PRINCIPAL SlAVE- 
 
 DRiVER TO His Highness the Bashaw 
 
 OF Tripoli 310 
 
 Cockloft Hall. By Launcelot Lanq- 
 
 STAFF, Esq. ... . . 322 
 
 Theatrical Intelligence. By William 
 
 Wizard, Esq 335 
 
 XV. — THURSDAY, OCT. 1, 1807. Sketches 
 
 from Nature. By Anthony Ever- 
 green, Gknt 340 
 
 On Greatness. By Launcelot Lang- 
 staff, Esq 349 
 
 XVI. —THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1807. Style 
 
 AT Ballston. By William Wizard, 
 
 Esq 360 
 
 Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli 
 Khan, to Asem Hacchkm, Principal 
 Slave-driver to His Highness the 
 Bashaw of Tripoli .... 368 
 
 XVIL— WEDNESDAY, NOV. 11, 1807. Autumnal 
 Reflections. By Launcelot Lang- 
 staff, Esq 380 
 
 By Launcelot Langstaff, Esq. . . 386 
 Chap. CIX. — Of the Chronicles of 
 THE Renowned and Antient City of 
 Gotham 392 
 
 XVHL — TUESDAY, NOV. 24, 1807. The Little 
 Man in Black. By Launcelot Lang- 
 staff, Esq. 401 
 
 Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli 
 Khan, to Asem Hacchem, Principal 
 Slave - driver to His Highness the 
 Bashaw of Tripoli .... 411 
 
CONTENTS. xix 
 
 "*'• PAGK 
 
 XIX. — THURSDAY, DEC. 31, 1807. From my 
 
 Elbow-chair 42() 
 
 Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli 
 Khan, to Muley Helim Al Raggi, Sur- 
 named The Agreeable Ragamuffin, 
 Chief Mountebank and Buffa-dancer 
 
 to His Highness 422 
 
 By Anthony Evergreen, Gent. . . 434 
 Tea: A Poem 441 
 
 XX. — MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 1808. From my 
 
 Elbow-chair 443 
 
 To the Ladies. By Anthony Ever- 
 green, Gent 453 
 
 Fareavell . 468 
 
SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 NO. I.— SATURDAY, JANUARY 24, 1807. 
 
 [S everybody knows, or ought to know, 
 what a Salmagund is, we shall spare 
 ourselves the trouble of an explanation ; 
 besides, we despise trouble as we do everything 
 low and mean, and hold the man who would in- 
 cur it unnecessarily as an object worthy our high- 
 est pity and contempt. Neither will we puzzle 
 our heads to give an account of ourselves, for 
 two reasons ; first, because it is nobody's business ; 
 secondly, because if it were, we do not hold our- 
 selves bound to attend to anybody's business but 
 ot»r own ; and even that we take the liberty of 
 neglecting when it suits our inclination. To 
 these we might add a third, that very few men 
 can give a tolerable account of themselves, let 
 them try ever so hard ; but this reason we can- 
 didly avow, would not hold good with ourselves. 
 
 There are, however, two or three pieces of in- 
 formation which we bestow gratis on the public, 
 chiefly because it suits our own pleasure and 
 convein'ence that they should be known, and 
 
 pnrtly because we do not wish that there should 
 3 
 
2 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 be aiiy ill will between us at the commencemenl 
 of our acquaintance. 
 
 Our intention is simply to instruct the young, 
 reform tiie old, correct the town, and castigate the 
 age ; this is an arduous task, and therefore we 
 undertake it with confidence. We intend for this 
 purpose to present a striking picture of the town ; 
 and as everybody is anxious to see his own phiz 
 on canvas, however stupid or ugly it may be, we 
 have no doubt but the whole town will flock to 
 our exhibition. Our picture will necessarily 
 include a vast variety of figures ; and should any 
 gentleman or lady be displeased with the inveter- 
 ate truth of their likenesses, they may ease their 
 spleen by laughing at those of their neighbors — 
 this being what we understand by poetical justice. 
 
 Like all true and able editors, we consider 
 ourselves infallible ; and therefore, with the cus- 
 tomary diffidence of our brethren of the quill, we 
 shall take the liberty of interfering in all matters 
 either of a public or a private nature. We are 
 critics, amateurs, dilettanti, and cognoscenti ; and 
 as we know " by the pricking of our thumbs," 
 that every opinion which we may advance in 
 either of those characters will be correct, we are 
 determined, though it may be questioned, contra- 
 dicted, or even controverted, yet it shall never be 
 revoked. 
 
 We beg the public particularly to understand 
 that we solicit no patronage. We are deter- 
 mined, on the contrary, that the patronage shall 
 be entirely on our side. We have nothing to do 
 with the pecuniary concerns of the paper ; its 
 
TO OUR FRIENDS. 3 
 
 success will yield us neither pride nor profit — 
 uor will its failure occasion to us either loss or 
 mortification. We advise the public, therefore, 
 to purchase our numbers merely for their own 
 sakes ; if they do not, let them settle the affair 
 with their consciences and posterity. 
 
 To conclude, we invite all editors of news- 
 papers and literary journals to praise us heart- 
 ily in advance, as we assure them that we intend 
 to deserve their praises. To our next-door 
 neighbor, " Town," ^ we hold out a hand of 
 amity, declaring to him Uiat, after ours, his paper 
 will stand the best chance for immortality. We 
 proffer an exchange of civilities : he shall furnish 
 us with notices of epic poems and tobacco ; and 
 we in return will enrich him with original specu- 
 lations on all manner of subjects, together with 
 " the rummaging of my grandfather's mahogany 
 chest of drawers," " the life and amours of mine 
 Uncle John," " anecdotes of the Cockloft family," 
 and learned quotations from that unheard of 
 writer of folios, Linkum Fidelius. 
 
 1 The title of a newspaper published in New York, the 
 columns of which, aaiong other miscellaneous topics, occa- 
 Bionally contained strictures on the performances at the thea* 
 tres. — Paris Ed. 
 
4 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 PUBLISHER'S NOTICE. 
 
 SHAKESPEARE GALLERY, NEW YORK.l 
 
 THIS work will be published and sold by D 
 Long worth. It will be printed on hot- 
 pressed vellum paper, as that is held in highest 
 estimation for buckling up young ladies' hair — a 
 purpose to which similar works are usually ap- 
 propriated ; it will be a small, neat, duodecimo 
 size, so that, when enough numbers are written, 
 it may form a volume sufficiently portable to be 
 carried in old ladies' pockets and young ladies' 
 work-bags. 
 
 As the above work will not come out at stated 
 periods, notice will be given when another num- 
 ber will be published. The price will depend on 
 the size of the number, and must be paid on de- 
 livery. The publisher professes the same sub- 
 lime contempt for money as his authors. The 
 liberal, patronage bestowed by his discerning fel- 
 low-citizens on various works of taste which he 
 
 1 David Longworth, an eccentric bookseller, had filled a 
 large apartment with the valuable engravings of " Boydell's 
 Shakespeare Gallery," magnificently framed, and had nearly 
 obscured the front of his house with a huge sign — a colossal 
 painting in chiaroscuro, of the crowning of Shakespeare. 
 Longworth had an extraordinary propensity to publish ele- 
 gant works, to the great gratification of persons of taste, and 
 the no small diminution of his own slender fortune. He 
 alludes ironically to this circumstance in the present notice. — 
 J'aris Ed. Longworth's store was in Park Row, near the 
 Park Theatre. He was the dramatic publisher of New York 
 in his (lay, and long issued the City Directory. 
 
ADVICE TO THE ^PUBLIC. 5 
 
 has published, has left him no inclination to ask 
 for further favors at tlieir hands, and he publishes 
 this work in the mere hope of requiting their 
 bounty.^ 
 
 FROM THE ELBOW-CHAIR OF LAUNCELOT 
 LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 
 
 7 E were a considerable time in decidino' 
 
 o 
 
 whether we should be at the pains of in- 
 troducing ourselves to the public. As we care 
 for nobody, and as we are not yet at the bar, we 
 do not feel bound to hold up our hands and an- 
 swer to our names. 
 
 Willing, however, to gain at once that frank, 
 confidential footing, wliich we are certain of ulti- 
 mately possessing in this, doubtless, " best of all 
 possible cities ; " and anxious to spare its worthy 
 inhabitants the trouble of making a thousand 
 wise conjectures, not one of which woidd be 
 worth a tobacco-stopper, we have thought it in 
 some degree a necessary exertion of charitable 
 condescension to furnish them with a slight clew 
 to the truth. 
 
 Before we proceed further, however, we advise 
 everybody, man, woman, and child, that can read, 
 
 1 It was not orifcinally the intention of the authors to insert 
 the above address in the -work ; but, unwilling that a morceau 
 60 precious should be lost to posterity, they have been induced 
 to alter their minds. This will account for any repetition of 
 iilea that may appear in the introductory essay. — Note to 
 original Ed. 
 
6 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 or get any friend to read for them, to purchase 
 this paper — not that we write for money, for, in 
 common with all philosophical wiseacres, from 
 Solomon downward, we hold it in supreme con- 
 tempt. The public are welcome to buy this 
 work, or not, just as they choose. If it be pur- 
 chased freely, so much the better for the public 
 — and the publisher ; we gain not a stiver. If 
 it be not purchased, we give fair warning — we 
 shall burn all our essays, critiques, and epigrams, 
 in one promiscuous blaze ; and, like the books of 
 the sibyls and the Alexandrian Library, they 
 will be lost forever to posterity. For the sake, 
 therefore, of our publisher, for the sake of the 
 public, and for tlie sake of the public's children 
 to the nineteenth generation, we advise them to 
 purchase our paper. We beg the respectable 
 old matrons of this city not to be alarmed at the 
 appearance we make ; we are none of those out- 
 landish geniuses who swarm in New York, who 
 live by their wits, or rather by the little w^it of 
 their neighbors, and who spoil the genuine honest 
 American tastes of their daughters with French 
 slops and fricasseed sentiment. 
 
 We have said we do not write for money — 
 neither do we write for fame ; we know too well 
 the variable nature of public opinion to build 
 our hopes upon it — we care not what the public 
 think of us, and we suspect, before we reach the 
 tenth number, they will not know what to think 
 of us. In two words, we write for no other 
 earthly purpose but to please ourselves ; and 
 this we shall be sure of doing, for we are all 
 
OVR INTENTIONS. 7 
 
 three of us determined beforehand to be pleased 
 with what we write. If, in the course of this 
 work, we edify and instruct and amuse the pub- 
 lic, so much the better for the public ; but we 
 frankly acknowledge that so soon as we get tired 
 of readinof our own works, we shall discontinue 
 them without the least remorse, whatever the 
 public may think of it. While we continue to 
 go on, we will go on merrily : if we moralize, it 
 shall be but seldom ; and, on all occasions, we 
 shall be more solicitous to make our readers 
 laugh than cry ; for we are laughing philosophers, 
 and clearly of opinion that wisdom, true wisdom, 
 is a plump, jolly dame, who sits in her arm-chair, 
 laughs right merrily at the farce of life — and 
 takes the world as it goes. 
 
 We intend particularly to notice the conduct 
 of the fashionable world ; nor in this shall we 
 be governed by that carping spirit with which 
 narrow-minded book-worm cynics squint at the 
 little extravagances of the ton ; but with that 
 liberal toleration which actuates every man of 
 fashion. While we keep more than a Cerberus 
 watch over the guardian rules of female delicacy 
 and decorum, we shall not discourage any little 
 sprightliness of demeanor, or innocent vivacity 
 of character. Before we advance one line fur- 
 ther, we must let it be understood, as our firm 
 opinion, void of all prejudice or partiality, that 
 the ladies of New York are the fairest, the 
 finest, tl^e most accomplished, the most bewitch- 
 ing, the most ineffable beings that walk, creep, 
 crawl, swim, fly, float, or vegetate in any or all 
 
8 SALMAGVNDI. 
 
 of the four elements ; and that they only want 
 to be cured of certain whims, eccentricities, and 
 unseemly conceits, by our superintending cares, 
 to render them absolutely perfect. They will, 
 therefore, receive a large portion of those atten- 
 tions directed to the fasliionable world ; nor v/ill 
 the gentlemen who doze away their time in the 
 circles of the haul-ton escape our currying. We 
 mean those stupid fellows who sit stock-still upon 
 their chairs, without saying a word, and then 
 
 complain, " How stupid it was at Mrs. 's 
 
 party.^ 
 
 This department will be under the peculiar 
 direction and control of Anthony Evergreen, 
 gent., to whom all communications on this sub- 
 ject are to be addressed. This gentleman, from 
 his long experience in the routine of balls, tea- 
 parties, and assemblies, is eminently qualified for 
 the task he has undertaken. He is a kind of 
 patriarch in the fashionable world, and has seen 
 generation after generation pass away into the 
 silent tomb of raati-imony while he remains un- 
 changeably the same. He can recount the 
 amours and courtsliips of the fathers, mothers, 
 uncles, and aunts, and even the grandames, of all 
 tlie belles of the present day — provided their 
 pedigrees extend so far back without being lost 
 in obscurity. As, however, treating of pedigrees 
 is rather an ungrateful task in this city, and as 
 we mean to be perfectly good-natured, he has 
 promised to be cautious in this particuiar. He 
 recollects perfectly the time when young ladies 
 used to go sleigh-riding at night, without their 
 
KISSING^BRIDGE. 9 
 
 mammas or grand mammas ; in short, without 
 being matroniz d at all : and can relate a thou- 
 Band pleasant stories about Kissing-bridge.-^ He 
 likewise remembers the time when ladies paid 
 tea-visits, at three in the afternoon, and returned 
 before dark to see that the house was shut up 
 and the servants on duty. He has often played 
 cricket in the orchard in the rear of old Vaux- 
 hall, and remembers when the Bull's Head '^ was 
 
 1 Amongst the amusements of the citizens in times gone 
 by was that of making excurrsions in the winter evenings, on 
 sleighs, to some neighboring village, where the social party 
 had a ball and supper. Kissing-bridge had its name from 
 the circumstance that here the beaux exacted from their fair 
 companions the forfeiture of a kiss before permitting their 
 travelling vehicles to pass over. — Paris Ed. 
 
 The Rev. Andrew Burnaby, Vicar of Greenwich, in his 
 " travels through the Middle Settlements in North America, 
 in the years 1759 and 1760." has this mention of the spot, 
 fixing the locality near Fiftieth street, near the site of old 
 Cato's. " The amusements of the New-Yorkers," says Bur- 
 naby, "are balls and sleighing expeditions in the winter; in 
 the summer, going in parties upon the water and fishing, or 
 making excursions into the country. There are several houses 
 pleasantly suited upon East River, near New York, where it 
 is common to have turtle feasts: these happen once or twice 
 in a week. Thirty or forty gentlemen and ladies meet and 
 dine together, drink tea in the afternoon, fish and amuse 
 themselves till evening, and then return home in Italian 
 chaises, a gentleman and lady in each chaise. In the way 
 there is a bridge, about three miles distant from New York, 
 which you always pass over as you return, called the Kissing- 
 bridge, Avhere it is a part of the etiquette to salute the lady 
 who has put herself under your protection." From this it 
 would appear that the privileges of Kissing bridge were not 
 confined to sleighing parties. 
 
 '■i Old V auxhaU stood at the corner of Warren and Green- 
 
10 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 quite out of town. Though he has slowly and 
 gradually given in to modei-n fashions, and still 
 flourishes in the beau-monde, yet he seems a 
 little prejudiced in favor of the dress and man- 
 ners of the old school; and his chief commenda- 
 tion of a new mode is, " that it is the same good 
 old fashion we had before the war." It has cost 
 us much trouble to make him confess that a co- 
 tillon is superior to a minuet, or an unadorned 
 crop to a pig-tail and powder. Custom and 
 fashion have, however, had more effect on him 
 than all our lectures ; and he tempers, so hap- 
 pily, the grave and ceremonious gallantry of the 
 old school with the " liail-fellow " familiarity of 
 the new, that we trust, on a little acquaintance, 
 and making allowance for his old-fashioned preju- 
 dices, he will become a very considerable favorite 
 with our readers — if not, the worse for them- 
 selves, as they will have to endure his com- 
 pany. 
 
 In the territory of criticism, William Wizard, 
 
 wich streets, and was originaliy the residence of Sir Peter 
 Warren. It fell into the hands of Sam Fraunces, the famous 
 tavern-keeper, who kept it as a public garden. Fraunces 
 was the steward of General Washington. A later Vauxhall 
 was kept in the neighhorhood of Broome Street by Delacroix, 
 who removed the establishment about 1808 to the better known 
 Vauxhall Garden, which extended from the Bowery to Broad- 
 way', crossing the present Lafayette Place and site of the 
 Astor Library. The Bull's Head, the chief cattle mart, occu- 
 pied the site of the Bowery Theatre, and has travelled upward 
 with the growth of city, making one or two halting -places on 
 that avenue on its way to its present position in the Fifth 
 Avenue. 
 
ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF WILL WIZARD. H 
 
 Esq., has undertaken to preside ; and though we 
 may all dabble in it a little bv turns, yet we have 
 willingly ceded to him all discretionary powers in 
 this respect. Though Will has not had the ad- 
 vantage of an education at Oxford or Cambridge, 
 or even at Edinburgh or Aberdeen, and though 
 he is but little versed in Hebrew, yet we hav^e 
 no doubt he will be found fully competent to the 
 undertaking. He has improved his taste by a 
 long residence abroad, particularly at Canton, 
 Calcutta, and the gay and polished court of Hayti. 
 He has also had an opportunity of seeing the best 
 singing-girls and tragedians of China, is a great 
 connoisseur in mandarin dresses, and porcelain, 
 and particularly values himself on his intimate 
 knowledge of the buffalo, and war-dances of the 
 northern Indians. He is likewise promised the 
 assistance of a gentleman, lately from London, 
 who was born and bred in that centre of science 
 and hon gout^ the vicinity of Fleet Market, where 
 he has been edified, man and boy, these six-and- 
 twenty years, with the harmonious jingle of Bow- 
 bells. His taste, therefore, has attained to such 
 an exquisite pitch of refinement that there are 
 few exhibitions of any kind which do not put 
 him in a fever. He has assured Will, that if Mr. 
 Cooper emphasizes '' and " instead of " hut" or 
 Mrs. Oldmixon pins her kerchief a hair's breadth 
 awry, or Mrs. Darley offers to dare to look less 
 than the " daughter of a senator of Venice," — 
 the standard of a senator's daughter being exactly 
 six feet, — they shall all hear of it in good time. 
 We have, however, advised Will Wizard to keep 
 
12 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 his friend in check, lest, by opening the eyes of 
 the public to the wretchedness uf the actors by 
 whom they have hitherto been entertained, he 
 might cut off one source of amusement from our 
 fellow citizens. We hereby give notice, that we 
 have taken the whole corps, from the manager in 
 his mantle of gorgeous copper-lace to honest John 
 in his green coat and black breeches, under our 
 wing — and woe be unto him who injures a hair 
 of their heads. As we have no design against 
 the patience of oar fellow-citizens, we shall not 
 dose them with copious draughts of theatrical 
 criticism ; we well know that they have already 
 been well physicked with them of late ; our the- 
 atrics shall take up but a small part of our paper ; 
 nor sliall they be altogether confined to the stage, 
 but extend from time to time to those incorrigible 
 offenders against the peace of society, the stage- 
 critics, who not unfrequently create the fault they 
 find, in order to yield an opening for their witti- 
 cisms — censure an actor for a gesture he never 
 made, or an emphasis he never gave ; and, in their 
 attempt to show off new readings, make the sweet 
 swan of Avon cackle like a goose. If any one 
 should feel himself offended by our remarks, let 
 him attack us in return — we shall not wince 
 from the combat. W his passes be successful, we 
 will be the first to cry out, a hit ! a hit ! and we 
 doubt not we shall frequently lay ourselves open 
 to the weapons of our assailants. But let them 
 have a care how they run a tilling with us ; they 
 have to deal with stubborn foes, who can bear a 
 world of pummelling ; we will be relentless in 
 
OURSELVES. 13 
 
 our vengeance, and will fight " till from our bones 
 the flesh be hack't." 
 
 What other subjects we shall include in the 
 range of our observations, we have not determined, 
 or rather we shall not trouble ourselves to detail. 
 The public have already more information con- 
 cerning us, than wc intended to impart. We owe 
 them no favors, neither do we ask any. We 
 again advise them, for their own sakes, to read 
 our papers when they come out. We recommend 
 to all mothers to purchase them for their daughters, 
 who will be taught the true line of propriety, and 
 the most advisable method of manaofing their 
 beaux. We advise all daughters to purchase them 
 for the sake of their mothers, who shall be initi- 
 ated into the arcana of the bon-ton, and cured of 
 all those rusty old notions which they acquired 
 during the last century: parents shall be taught 
 how to govern their children, girls how to get 
 husbands, and old maids how to do without them. 
 
 As we do not measure our wits by the yard or 
 the bushel, and as they do not flow periodically 
 nor constantly, we shall !iot restrict our paper as 
 to size or the time of its appearance. It will be 
 published whenever we have sufficient matter to 
 constitute a number, and the size of the number 
 shall depend on the stock in hand. This will best 
 suit our neojliofent habits, and leave us that full 
 liberty and independence which is the joy and 
 pride of our souls. As we have before hinted, 
 that we do not concern ourselves about the 
 pecuniary matters of our paper, we leave its price 
 to be regulated by oui- publisher : only recommend- 
 
14 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 ing him, for his own interest, and the honor of its 
 authors, not to sell their invaluable productions 
 too cheap. 
 
 Is there any one who wishes to know more 
 about us ? — let him read Salmagundi, and grow 
 wise apace. Thus mucli we vvill say — there 
 are three of us, " Bardolph, Peto, and J," all 
 townsmen good and true ; many a time and 
 oft have we three amused the town without its 
 knowing to whom it was indebted ; and many a 
 time have we seen the midnight lamp twinkle 
 faintly on our studious phizes, and heard the morn- 
 ing salutation of '' past three o'clock," before we 
 sought our pillows. The result of these mid- 
 night studies is now offered to the public ; and 
 little as we care for the opinion of this exceed- 
 ingly stupid world, we shall take care, as far as 
 lies in our careless natures, to fulfill the promises 
 made in this introduction ; if we do not, we shall 
 have so many examples to justify us, that we feel 
 little solicitude on that account. 
 
 THEATRICS — CONTAINING THE QUINTESSENCE 
 OF MODERN CRITICISM. 
 
 BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 
 
 MACBETH was performed to a very crowded 
 house, and much to our satisfaction. As, 
 liovvever. our neighbor " Town " has been very 
 voluminous already in liis criticisms on this play, 
 we shall make but ^ew remarks. Having never 
 
THEATRICALS. 15 
 
 seen Kemble in this character, we are absolutely 
 at a loss to say whether Mr. Cooper pertbrmed 
 it well or not. We think, however, there was an 
 error in his costume^ as the learned Linkum Fide- 
 lias is of opinion that in the time of Macbeth 
 the Scots did not wear sandals, but wooden shoes. 
 Macbeth also was noted for wearing his jacket 
 open, that he might play the Scotch fiddle more 
 conveniently — that being a hereditary accomplish- 
 ment in the Glamis family. 
 
 We have seen this character performed in 
 China, by the celebrated Cliow-Ghow, the Rosciua 
 of that great empire, who in the dagger scene 
 always electrified the audience by blowing his 
 nose like a trumpet. Chow- Chow, in compliance 
 with the opinion of the sage Linkum Fidelius, 
 performed Macbeth in wooden shoes ; this gave 
 him an opportunity of producing great effect, for 
 on first seeing the " air-drawn dagger," he always 
 cut a prodigious high caper, and kicked his shoes 
 into the pit at the heads oAthe critics ; whereupon 
 the audience were marvelously delighted, flour- 
 ished their hands, and stroked their whiskers three 
 times, and the matter was carefidly recorded in 
 the next number of a paper called the FlimFlam 
 (English, -Town"). 
 
 We were much pleased with Mrs. Villiers in 
 Lady Macbeth ; but we think she would have 
 given a greater effect to the night scene, if, instead 
 of holdino^ the candle in her hand, or setting it 
 down on the table, which is sagaciously censured 
 by neighbor " Town," she had stuck it in her 
 night-cap. This would have been extremely pic- 
 
16 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 turesque, and would have marked more strongly 
 the derangement of her mind. 
 
 Mrs. Villiers is not by any means large enough 
 for the character : Lady Macbeth having been, in 
 our opinion, a woman of extraordinary size, and 
 of the race of the giants, notwithstanding what 
 she says of her " little hand" — which being said 
 in her sleep passes for nothing. We should be 
 happy to see this character in the hands of the 
 lady who played Gltimdalca., queen of the giants, 
 in Tom Thumb ; she is exactly of imperial dimen- 
 sions ; and, provided she is well shaved, of a most 
 interesting physiognomy : as she appears likewise 
 to be a lady of some nerve, I dare engage she will 
 read a letter about witches vanishing in air, and 
 such common occurrences, without being unnatu- 
 rally suiprised, to the aimoyance of honest '' Town." 
 
 We are happy to observe that Mr. Cooper prof- 
 its by the instructions of friend " Town," and does 
 not dip the daggers in blood so deep as formerly 
 by a matter of an incl^^r two.^ This was a vio- 
 lent outrage upon our immortal bard. We differ 
 with Mr. "Town" in his reading of the words " this 
 is a sorry sight" We are of opinion the force of 
 the sentence should be thrown on the word sigJdy 
 because Macbeth having been, shortly before, 
 most confoundedly humbugged with an aerial 
 dagger, was in doubt whether the daggers actually 
 in his hands were real, or whether they were not 
 mere shadows, or as the old English may have 
 termed it, syghtes (this, at any rate, will estab- 
 lish our skill in new readings). Though we dif- 
 fer in this respect from our neighbor " Town," yet 
 
THE ASSEMBLY. 17 
 
 we heartily agree with him in censuring Mr. 
 Cooper for omitting that passage so remarkable 
 for " beauty of imagery," etc., beginning with 
 " and pity like a naked new-born babe," etc. It 
 is one of those passages of Shakespeare which 
 should always be retained, for the purpose of show- 
 ing how sometimes tliat great poet could talk like a 
 buzzard ; or, to speak more plainly, like the famous 
 mad poet, Nat Lee. 
 
 As it is the first duty of a friend to advise, 
 and as we profess and do actually feel a friend- 
 ship for honest " Town," we warn him never, in 
 his criticisms, to meddle with a lady's " petticoats," 
 or to quote Nic Bottom. In the first instance he 
 may " catch a tartar ;" and in the second, the ass's 
 head may rise up in judgment against him ; and 
 when it is once afloat there is no knowing where 
 some unlucky hand may place it. We would not, 
 for all the money in our pockets, see " Town " 
 flourishing his critical quill under the auspices 
 of an ass's head, like the great Franklin in his 
 Montero Cap. 
 
 NEW YORK ASSEMBLY. 
 
 BY ANTHONY EVEKGREKN, GENT. 
 
 THE assemblies this year have gained a great 
 accession of beauty. Several brilliant stars 
 have risen from the East and from the North, to 
 brighten the firmament of fashion; among the 
 number I have discovered another planet, which 
 
18 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 rivals even Venus in lustre, and I claim equal 
 honor with Herschel for my discovery. I shall 
 take some future opportunity to describe this 
 planet, and the numerous statellites which revolve 
 around it. 
 
 At the last assembly the company began to 
 make some show about eight, but the most fash- 
 ionable delayed their appearance until nine — - 
 nine being the number of the muses, and there- 
 fore the best possible hour for beginning to ex- 
 hibit the graces. (This is meant for a pretty 
 play upon words, and I assure my readers that I 
 think it veiy tolerable.) 
 
 Poor Will Honeycomb, whose memory I 
 bold in special consideration, even with his half 
 century of experience, would have been puzzled 
 to point out the humors of a lady by her prevail- 
 ing colors ; for the '• rival queens" of fashion, Mrs. 
 Toole and Madame Bouchard,^ appeared to 
 have exhausted their wonderful inventions in the 
 different disposition, variation, and combination 
 of tints and shades. The philosopher who main- 
 tained that black was white, and that, of course, 
 there was no such color as white, might have 
 given some color to his theory on this occasion, by 
 the absence of poor forsaken white muslin. I was, 
 however, much pleased to see that red maintained 
 its ground against all other colors, because red is the 
 color of Mr. Jefferson's ***** **^ Tom Paine's 
 nose, and my slippers.^ 
 
 1 Two fashionable milliners of rival celebrity in the city of 
 New York. — Paris Ed. 
 ^ lu this instance, as well as on several other occasions, 8 
 
THE ASSEMBLY. 19 
 
 Let the grumbling smellfungi of this world, 
 who cultivate taste among books, cobwebs, and 
 spiders, rail at the extravagance of the age ; for 
 my part, 1 was delighted with the magic of the 
 scene, and as the ladies tripped through the mazes 
 ofthe dance, sparkling and glowing and dazzling, 
 I, like the honest Chinese, thanked them heartily 
 for the jewels and finery with which they loaded 
 tbemselves, merely for the entertainment of by- 
 stander's, and blessed my stars that I was a bach- 
 elor. 
 
 The gentlemen were considerably numerous, and 
 being, as usual, eqnipt in their appropriate black 
 
 little innocent pleasantry is indulged at Mr. Jefferson's ex- 
 pense. The allusion made here is to the red velvet small 
 clothes with which the President, in defiance of good taste, 
 used to attire himself on levee days and other public occa- 
 sions. — Paris Ed. 
 
 In one of his splenetic moods in Virginia, John Randolph 
 once vented his complaint of Jefferson, with an allusion to 
 the old scandal. " I cannot live," said he, " in this miser- 
 able undone countr}', where, as the Turks follow their sacred 
 standard, which is a pair of Mahomet's green breeches, we 
 are governed by the old red breeches of that prince of projec- 
 tors, St. Thomas of Cantingbury; and surely, Becket him- 
 self never had more pilgrims at his shrine, than the saint of 
 Monticello." 
 
 As for the proboscis of Paine, " I sha-U secure him to a 
 nicety," said Jarvis, when he was about to take the bust of 
 Paine, now in the New York Historical Society, " if I can 
 get plaster enough for his carbuncled nose." Dr. Francis, M'ho 
 relates the anecdote in one of the interesting historical sketches 
 ivhich he has given to the public, also furnishes a couplet 
 sung by the boys in the street : — 
 
 " Tom Paine is come from far, from far ; 
 His nose is like a blazins: star ! " 
 
20 SALMAGUXDI. 
 
 uniform?, constituted a sable regiment, which con- 
 tributed not a little to the brilliant gayety ot" the 
 ball-room. I mu*t confess I am indebted for this 
 remark to our friend the cockney. Mr. *Sbidlik- 
 enstlash. or ' Sbidlikens. as he is called for short- 
 ness. He is a fellow of infinite verbosity — 
 stands ill high favor — with himself — and, like 
 Caleb Quotem. is •• up to everything." I remem- 
 ber when a comfortable, plump-looking citizen 
 led into the room a fair damsel, who looked for 
 all the world like the personification of a rainbow ; 
 'Sbidlikens observed that it reminded him of a 
 fable, which he had read somewhere, of the mar- 
 riage of an honest, painstaking snail, who had 
 once walked six feet in an hour for a wager, to a 
 buttertfy whom he used to gallant by the elbow, 
 with the aid of much puffing and exertion. On 
 being called upon to tell where he had come 
 across the story, 'Sbidlikens absolutely refused to 
 answer. 
 
 It would but be repeating an old story to say 
 that the ladies of New York dance well — and 
 well may they, since they learn it scientifically, 
 and begin their lessons before they have quit 
 their swaddling clothes. The immortal Duport 
 has usurped despotic sway over all the female 
 heads and heels in this city ; horn-books, primers, 
 and pianos are neglected to attend to his posi- 
 tions ; and poor Chilton, with his pots and 
 kettles and chemical crockery, finds him a more 
 potent enemy than the whole collective force of 
 the ''North River Society." ^ 'Sbidlikens insists 
 1 An imaginary association, the object of which was to set 
 
DANCING FRENCHMEN. 21 
 
 that this dancing mania will inevitably continue 
 as lono; as a dancino:-master will charcre the fash- 
 ionable price of five-and-twenty dollars a quarter, 
 and all other accomplishments are so vulgar as 
 to be attainable at '* half the money ; " but I put 
 no faith in 'Sbidiikens' candor in this particular. 
 Among his infinitude of endowments, he is but a 
 poor proficient in dancing ; and though he often 
 flounders through a cotillon, yet he never cut a 
 pigeon- wing in his life. 
 
 In my mind there's no position more positive 
 and unexceptionable than that most Frenchmen, 
 dead or alive, are born dancers. I came pounce 
 upon this discovery at the assembly, and I imme- 
 diatelv noted it down in niv regrister of indispu- 
 table facts ; the public i-hall know all about iL 
 As [ nes'er dance cotillons, holding them to be 
 monstrous distorters of the human frame, and 
 tantamount in their operations to being broken 
 and dislocated on the wheel, I generally take oc- 
 casion, while they are soin^ on, to make mv re- 
 marks on the company. In the course of these 
 observations I was struck with the energy and 
 eloquence of sundry limbs, which seemed to be 
 flourishing about without appertaining to any- 
 body. After much investigation and difficulty, I 
 at length traced them to their respective owners, 
 whom I found to be all Frenchmen to a man. 
 Art may have meddled somewhat in these affairs, 
 but nature certaiidy did more. I have since 
 
 ihe North River (the Hudson) on tire. A number of young 
 inen of son^e fashion, little talent, and great pretension, were 
 ridiculed as members. — Paris Ed. 
 
22 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 been considerably employed in calculations on 
 this subject ; and by tlie most accurate computa- 
 tion I have determined that a Frenchman passe3 
 at least three-fifths of liis time between the heav- 
 ens and the earth, and partakes eminently of 
 the nature of a gossamer or soap-bubble. One 
 of these jack-o'-lantern hi^roes, in taking a figure, 
 which neither Euclid nor P^-thagoras himself 
 could demonstrate, unfortunately wound himself 
 — I mean his feet — his better part — into a 
 lady's cobweb muslin robe ; but perceiving it at 
 the instant, he set himself a-spinning the other 
 way, like a top, unraveled his step, without 
 omitting one* angle or curve, and extricated him- 
 self without breaking a Jhread of the lady's 
 dress ! he then sprung up, like a sturgeon, 
 crossed his feet four times, and fimshed this 
 wonderful evolution by quivering his left leg, as 
 a cat does her paw when she has accidentally 
 dipped it in water. No man, '' of woman born," 
 who was not a Frenchman, or a mountebank, 
 could have done the like. 
 
 Amonj; the new faces I remarked a blooming 
 nymph, who lias brought a fresh supply of roses 
 from the country to adoin the wreath of beauty, 
 where lilies too much predominate. As I wish 
 well to every sweet face under heaven, I sin- 
 cerely hope her roses may survive the frosts and 
 dissipations of winter, and lose nothing by a com- 
 parison with the loveliest offerings of the spring. 
 'Sbidlikens, to whom I made similar remarks, 
 assured nn; ihat they were very just and very 
 prettily exprest ; and that the lady in question 
 
AT SUPPER. 23 
 
 was a prodigious fine piece of flesh and blood. 
 Now, could I find it in my heart to baste these 
 cockneys like their own roast beef — they can 
 make no distinction between a fine woman and a 
 fine horse. 
 
 I would praise the sylph-like grace with which 
 another young lady acquitted herself in the dance, 
 but that she excels in far more valuable accom- 
 plishments. Who praises the rose for its beauty, 
 even though it is beautiful? 
 
 The company retired at the customary hour to 
 the supper-room, where the tables were laid out 
 with their usual splendor and profusion. My 
 friend, 'Sbidlikens, with the native forethought 
 of a cockney, had carefully stowed his pocket 
 with cheese and crackers, that he might not be 
 tempted again to venture his limbs in the crowd 
 of hungry fair ones who throng the supper-room 
 door; his precaution was unnecessary, for the 
 company entered the room with surprising order 
 and decorum. No gowns were torn — no ladies 
 fainted — no noses bled — nor was there any 
 need of the interference of either managers or 
 peace officers. 
 
 
NO. II.— WEDNESDAY, FEB. 4, 1807. 
 
 FROM THE ELBOW-CHAIR OF LAUNCELOT LANG- 
 STAFF, ESQUIRE. 
 
 ^^^^ N the conduct of an epic poem, it has 
 
 been the custom, from lime immemora- 
 
 ^^ ble, for the poet occasionally to introduce 
 
 his reader to an intimate acquaintance with the 
 heroes of his story, by conducting him into their 
 tents, and giving him an opportunity of observing 
 them in their night-gown and slippers. However 
 I despise the servile genius that would descend 
 to follow a precedent, though furnished by Homer 
 himself, and consider him as on a par with the 
 cart that follows at the heels of the horse, with- 
 out ever taking the lead, yet at the present mo- 
 ment my whim is opposed to my opinion ; and 
 whenever this is the case, my opinion generally 
 surrenders at discretion. I am determined, there- 
 fore, to give the town a peep into our divan ; and 
 I shall repeat it as often as I please, to show that 
 I intend to be sociable. 
 
 Tlie other night Will Wizard and Evergreen 
 called upon me, to pass away a few hours in 
 social chat, and hold a kind of council of war. 
 To give a zest to our evening, I uncorked a 
 bottle of London Particular, which has 2:rown old 
 
WHAT THEY SAT OF US. 25 
 
 with myself, and which never fails to excite a 
 Bmile in the countenances of my old cronies, to 
 whom alone it is devoted. After some little 
 time the conversation turned on the effect pro- 
 duced b^ our first number ; every one had his 
 budget of information, and I assure ray readers 
 that we laughed most unceremoniously at their 
 expense ; they will excuse us for our merriment 
 — 'tis a way we've got. Evergreen, who is 
 equally a favorite and companion of young and 
 old. was particularly satisfactory in his details ; 
 and it was highly amusing to hear how different 
 characters were tickled with different passages. 
 The old folks were delighted to find there was 
 a bias in our junto toward the '* good old times ;" 
 and he particularly noticed a worthy old gentle- 
 man of his acquaintance, who had been some- 
 what a beau in his day, whose eyes brightened 
 at the bare mention of Kissincr-bridge. It re- 
 called [o his recollection several of his youthful 
 exploits at that celebrated pass, on which he 
 seemed to dwell with great pleasure and self- 
 complacency ; he hoped, he said, that the biidge 
 might be preserved for the benefit of posterity, 
 and as a monument of the gallantry of their 
 grandfathers, and even hinted at the expediency 
 of erecting a toll-gate there, to collect the forfeits 
 of the ladies. But the most flattering testimony 
 of approbation which our work has received, 
 was from an old lady who never laughed but 
 once in her life, and that was at the conclusion of 
 the last war. She was detected by friend An- 
 tiiony in the very fact of laughing most obstrep- 
 
36 SALMAGrXDL 
 
 erously at the description of the little danr»«no 
 Frenchman. Now it glads mv very lieart to 
 find our effusion? have such a pleasing effect. I 
 venerate the aged, and joy whenever it is in my 
 power to scatter a few flowers in their path. 
 
 The young people were particularly interested 
 ill the account of the assembly. There was 
 some difference of opinion respecting the new 
 planet, and the blooming nymph from the coun- 
 try ; but as to the compliment paid to the fasci- 
 nating little sylph who danced so gracefully, 
 every lady modestly took that to herself. 
 
 Evergreen mentioned also that the young 
 ladies were extremely anxious to learn the true 
 mode of managing their beaux ; and Miss Diana 
 Wearwell, who is as chaste as an icicle, has 
 seen a few superfluous winters pass over her head, 
 and boasts of having slain her thousands, wished 
 to know ho^ old maids were to do without hus- 
 b.'»-nds ; not that she was very curious about the 
 matter, she '* only asked for information." Sev- 
 eral ladies expressed their earnest desire that we 
 would not spare those wooden gentlemen who 
 perforoi the parts of mutes, or stalking horses, in 
 their drawinir rooms : and tlieir mothers were 
 equally anxious that we would show no quarter 
 to th<»e lads of spirit, who now and then cut 
 their bottles to enliven a tea-party with the hu- 
 mor? of the dinner-table. 
 
 Will Wizard was not a little chasrrined at 
 havinjr been mistaken for a srentleman, " who ia 
 no more like me." said Will. *• than I like Her- 
 cules." " I wa< well assured. " continued Will, 
 
DISG-DOSG. 27 
 
 " that as our characters were drawn from nature, 
 the orio-inab would be found in every society. 
 And so it has happened — ererj h"ttle circle has 
 its 'Sbidlikens ; and the cockney, intended merely 
 as the representative of his species, has dwindled 
 into an insignificant individual, who havincr recoor- 
 nize<l his own likeness, has f(X>lishly appropriated 
 to himself a picture for which he never sat. 
 Such, too, has been the case with Ding-dong, 
 who has kindly undertaken to be my represen- 
 tative ; not that I care much about the raaiter, for 
 it must be acknowledged that the animal is a 
 good-natured animal enough, — and what is more, 
 a fashionable animal, — and this is saying more 
 than to call him a conjurer. But I am much 
 mistaken if he can claim any affinity to the Wiz- 
 ard family. Surely everybody knows Ding-dong, 
 the gentle Ding-dong, who pervades all space, 
 who is here and there and everywhere ; no tea- 
 party can be complete without Ding-dong, and 
 his appearance is sure to occasion a smile. Ding- 
 dong has been the occasion of much wit in 
 his day ; I have even seen many puny whip- 
 sters attempt to be dull at his expense, who were 
 as much interior to liim as the gad-fly is to the 
 ox that he buzzes about. Does any witling 
 want to distress the company with a miserable 
 pun ? — nobofly's name presents sooner than 
 Ding-dong's ; and it has been played upon with 
 equal skill and equal entertainment to the by- 
 standers as Trinity-bells. Ding-dong is pro- 
 foundly devoted to the ladies, and highly en- 
 titled to their regard ; for I know no man who 
 
28 ^ SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 makes a better bow, or talks less to the purpose 
 than Ding-dong. Diug-dong has acquired a pro- 
 digious fuud- of knowledge bj reading Dilworth 
 when a boy ; and the other day, on being asked 
 who was the author of Macbeth, answered, with- 
 out the least he:?iiatiou, Shakespeare ! Ding- 
 dong has a quotation for every day of the year, 
 and every hour of the day. and every minute of 
 the hour; but he often commits petty larcenies oa 
 the poets — plucks the gray hairs of old Chau- 
 cer's head, and claps them on the chin of Pope ; 
 and filches Johnson's wig to cover the bald pate 
 of Homer ; but his blunders pass undetected by 
 one-half of his hearers. Ding-dong, it is true, 
 though he has long wrangled at our bar, cannot 
 boast much of his legal knowledge, nor does his 
 forensic eloquence entitle him to rank with a 
 Cicero or a Demosthenes ; but bating his pro- 
 fessional deficiencies, he is a man of most delec- 
 table discourse, and can hold forth for an hour 
 upon the color of a ribbon or the construction of 
 a work-bag. Ding-4^ioug is now in his fortieth 
 year, or perhaps a little more — rivals all the 
 little beaux in the town, in his attentions to the 
 ladies — is in a state of rapid improvement ; and 
 there is no doubt that by the time he arrives at 
 years of discretion, he will be a very accom- 
 plished, agreeable young fellow."' 1 advise all 
 clever, good-for-nothing, •* learned and authentic 
 gentlemen," to take Ciire how they wear this cap, 
 however well it fits ; and to bear in mind, that 
 our characters are not individuals, but species ; 
 if, after this warning, any person chooses to rep- 
 
THE WIZARD FAMILY. 29 
 
 resent Mr. Ding-dong, the sin is at his own door ; 
 we wash our hands of it. 
 
 We all sympathized with Wizard, that he 
 should h)e mistaken for a person so very different ; 
 and T hereby assure my readers, that William 
 Wizard is no other person in the whole world 
 but William Wizard ; so I beg I may hear uc 
 more cr>njectures on the subject. Will is, in fact, 
 a wiseacre by inheritance. The Wizard family 
 has Ions: been celebrated for knowins more than 
 their neighbors, particularly concerning their 
 neighbor's affiiirs. Tbev were anciently called 
 Josselin ; but Will's great-uncle, by the father's 
 side, having been accidentally burnt for a witch ir. 
 Connecticut, in consequence of blowing up his 
 own house in a philosophical experiment, the 
 family, in order to perpetuate the recollection of 
 this memorable circumstance, assumed the name 
 and arms of Wizard, and have borne them ever 
 since. 
 
 In the course of my customary morning's walk 
 I stopped in a bookstore, which is noted for be- 
 ing the favorite haunt of a number of literati, 
 some of whom rank high in the opinion of the 
 world, and others rank equally high in their own. 
 Here I found a knot of queer fellows listening to 
 one of their company, who was reading our 
 paper ; I particularly noticed Mr. Ichabod Fungus 
 among the number. 
 
 Fungus is one of those fidoretinor, meddling 
 quidnuncs with which this unhappy city is pes- 
 tered — one of our - Q in a corner fellows," who 
 speaks volumes in a wink, conveys most porten- 
 
30 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 tons information by laying his finger beside his 
 nose, and is always smelling a rat in the most 
 triflino; occurrence. He listened to our work 
 with the most frigid gravity — every now and 
 then gave a mysterious shrug, a humph, or a 
 screw of the mouth ; and on being asked his 
 opinion at the conclusion, said, he did not know 
 what to think of it; he hoped it did not mean 
 anything against the government, that no lurking 
 treason was couched in all this talk. These 
 were dangerous times — times of plot and con- 
 spiracy ; he did not at all like those stars after 
 Mr. Jefferson's name — they had an air of con- 
 cealment. Dick Paddle, whe was one of tho 
 group, undertook our cause. Dick is known to 
 the world as being a most knowing genius, who 
 can see as far as anybody — into a millstone, 
 maintains, in the teeth of all argument, that a 
 spade is a spade ; and will labor a good half hour 
 by St. Paul's clock to establish a self-evident fact. 
 Dick assured old Fungus that those stars merely 
 stood for JNIr. Jefferson's red what-d'ye call-ems^ 
 and that, so far from a conspiracy against their 
 peace and prosperity, the authors, whom he knew 
 very well, were only expressing their high re- 
 spect for them. The old man shook his head, 
 shrugged his shoulders, gave a mysterious Lord 
 Burleigh nod, said he hoped it might be so ; but 
 he was by no means satisfied with this attack 
 upon the President's breeches, as " thereby hangs 
 a tale." 
 
MUSICAL. 31 
 
 MR. WILSON'S CONCERT. 
 
 BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 
 
 IN my register of indisputable facts 1 have 
 noted it conspicuously, that all modern music 
 is but mere dregs and draining of the ancient, and 
 that all the spirit and vigor of harmony has en- 
 tirely evaporated in the lapse of ages. O ! for 
 the chant of the Naiades and Dryades, the shell of 
 the Tritons, and the sweet warblings of the Mer- 
 maids of ancient days ! Where now shall we seek 
 the Amphion, who built walls with a turn of his 
 hurdy-gurdy, the Orpheus who made stones to 
 whistle about his ears, and trees hop in a country 
 dance, by the mere quavering of his fiddle-stick ! 
 Ah ! had I the power of the former, how soon 
 would I build up the new City Hall,-'^ and save 
 the cash and credit of the Corporation ; and how 
 much sooner would I build myself a snug house 
 in Broadway — nor would it be the first time a 
 house has been obtained there for a song. In my 
 opinion, the Scotch bagpipe is the only instrument 
 that rivals the ancient lyre, and I am surprised it 
 should be almost the only one entirely excluded 
 from our concerts. 
 
 Taking of concerts reminds me of that given 
 a few nights since by Mr. AVilson, at which 1 
 had the misfortune of being present. It was at- 
 tended by a numerous company, and gave great 
 Batisfaction, if I may be allowed to judge from 
 
 1 This edifice, the corner-stone of which was laid by Mayoi 
 Edward Livingston in 18U;{, was not finished till 1812. 
 
32 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 the frequent gapings of the audience ; though I 
 will not risk my credit as a connoisseur by saying 
 whether they proceeded from wonder or a violent 
 inclination to doze. I was delighted to find in 
 the mazes of the crowd my particular friend 
 'Sbidlikens, who had put on liis cognoscenti phiz 
 — he being, according to his own account, a pro- 
 found adept in the science of music. He can tell a 
 crotchet at first sight ; and, like a true English- 
 man, is delighted with the plum-pudding rotundity 
 of a semibref ; and, in short, boasts of having in- 
 continently climbed up PaflTs musical tree,-^ which 
 hangs every day upon the poplar, from the fun- 
 damental concord to the fundamental major dis- 
 cord ; and so on from branch to branch, until he 
 reached the very top, where he sung " Rule Bri- 
 tannia," clappe^*! his wings, and then — came 
 down again. Like all true transfttlantic judges, 
 he suffers most horribly at our musical entertain- 
 ments, and assures me that what with the con- 
 founded scraping and scratching and grating of 
 our fiddlers, he thinks the sitting out one of oui 
 concerts tantamount to the punishment of that 
 unfortunate saint who was fi'ittered in two with a 
 handsaw. 
 
 The concert was given in the tea-room at the 
 City Hotel ; an apartment admirably calculated, 
 by its dingy walls, beautifully marbled with smoke, 
 to show off the dresses and complexions of the 
 ladies ; and by the flatness of its ceiling to repress 
 those impertinent reverberations of the music, 
 
 1 An emblematical device, suspended from a poplar in front 
 of the shop of Paff, a music-seller in Broadway. — Paris Ed. 
 
A CONCERT. 38 
 
 which, whatever others may foolishly assert, are, 
 as 'Sbidlikens says, " no better than repetitions 
 of old stories." 
 
 Mr. Wilson gave me infinite satisfaction by the 
 gentility of his demeanor, and the roguish looks 
 he now and then cast at the ladies, but we fear 
 liis excessive modesty threw him into some little 
 confusion, for he al)Solutely forgot himself, and in 
 the whole course of his entrances and exits, never 
 once made his bow to the audience. On the 
 whole, however, 1 think he has a fine voice, sings 
 with great taste, and is a very modest, good-look- 
 ing little man ; but I beg leave to repeat the ad- 
 vice so often given by the illustrious tenants of 
 the theatrical sky-parlor, to the gentlemen who 
 are charged with the " nice conduct " of chairs 
 and tables — " make a bow, Johnny — Johnny, 
 make a bow ! " 
 
 I cannot, on this occasion, but express ray sur- 
 prise that certain amateurs should be so frequently 
 at concerts, considering what agonies they suffer 
 while a piece of music is playing. I defy any 
 man of common humanity, and who has not the 
 heart of a Choctaw, to contemplate the counte- 
 nance of one of these unhappy victims of a fiddle- 
 stick without feeling a sentiment of compassion. 
 His whole visage is distorted : he rolls up his 
 eyes, as M'Sycophunt says, " like a duck in thun- 
 der," and the music seems to operate upon him 
 like a fit of the colic ; his very bowels seem to 
 sympathize at every twang of the catgut, as if 
 he heard at that moment the wailings of the help- 
 less animal that had been sacrificed to harmony. 
 
34 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 Nor does the hero of the orchestra seem less af- 
 fected ; as soon as the signal is given, he seizes 
 his fiddle-stick, makes a most horrible grimace, 
 scowls fiercely upon his music-book, as though he 
 would grin every crotchet and quaver out of 
 countenance. I have sometimes particularly no- 
 ticed a hungry-looking Gaul, who torments a huge 
 bass viol, and who is doubtless the original of the 
 famous " Raw-head-and-bloody-bones," so potent 
 in frightening naughty children. 
 
 The person who played the French horn was 
 very excellent in his way. but 'Sbidlikens could 
 not relish his performance, having some time since 
 heard a gentleman amateur in Gotham play a 
 solo on his proboscis, in a style infinitely superior 
 Snout, the bellows-mender, never turned his wind 
 instrument more musically ; nor did the cele- 
 brated *: knight of the burning lamp," ever yield 
 more exquisite entertainment with his nose ; this 
 ijenileman had latterlv ceased to exhibit this 
 prodigious accomplishment, having, it was whis- 
 pered, hired out liis snout to a ferryman, who had 
 lost his conchshell ; the consequence was that 
 he did not show his nose in company so frequently 
 as before. 
 
 SITTING late the other evening in my elbow- 
 chair, indulging in that kind of indolent medi- 
 tation, which I consider the perfection of human 
 bliss, I was aroused from my revery by the en- 
 trance of an old servant in tiie Cockloft livery, 
 
THE COLKLOFT HUMORS. 3d 
 
 who handed me a letter, containing the following 
 address from ray cousin and old college chum, 
 Pindar Cockloft. 
 
 Honesi Andrew, as he delivered it, informed 
 me that his master, who resides a little way from 
 town, on reading a small pamphlet in a neat yel- 
 low cover,^ rubbed his hands with symptoms of 
 great satisfaction, called for his favorite Chinese 
 inkstand, with two sprawling Mandarins for its 
 supporters, and wrote the letter which he had 
 the honor to present me. 
 
 As I foresee my cousin will one day become 
 a great favorite with the public, and as I know 
 him to be somewhat punctilious as it respects 
 etiquette. I shall take this opportunity to gratify 
 the old gentleman, by giving him a proper in- 
 troduction to the fashionable world. The Cock- 
 loft family, to which I have the comfort of being 
 related, has been fruitful in old bachelors and 
 humorists, as will be perceived when I come to 
 treat more of its history. My cousin Pindar is 
 one of its mo«t conspicuous members — he is now 
 in his fifty-eighth year — is a bachelor, partly 
 through choice, and partly through chance, and 
 an oddity of the first water. Half his life has 
 been employed in writing odes, sonnets, epigrams, 
 and elegies, which he seldom shows to anybody 
 but ray j elf after they are written ; and all the 
 "lid chests, drawers, and cliair-bottoras in the house, 
 teem with his productions. 
 
 In his vounirer davs he ficnired as a dashing 
 
 1 The numbers of Salmagundi were originallr published 
 >a this lorci. 
 
36 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 blade in the great world ; and no young fellow 
 of the town wore a longer pig-tail, or carried 
 more buckram in his skirts. From sixteen to 
 thirty he was continually in love, and during that 
 period, to use his own words, he be-scribbled 
 more paper than would serve the theatre for 
 snow-storms a whole season. The evening of his 
 thirtieth birthday, as lie sat by the fire-side, as 
 much in love as ever was man in this world, and 
 writing the name of his mistress in the ashes, 
 with an old tongs that had lost one of its legs, he 
 was seiijed with a whim-wham that he was an 
 old fool to be in love at his time of life. It was 
 ever one of the Cockloft characteristics to strike 
 to whim : and had Pindar stood out on this occa- 
 sion he would have brought the reputation of his 
 mother in question. From that time he gave up 
 all particular attentions to the ladies ; and though 
 he still loves their company, he has never been 
 known to exceed the bounds of common courtesy 
 in his intercourse with them. He was the life 
 and ornament of our family circle in town, until 
 the epoch of the French Revolution, which sent 
 so many unfortunate dancing-masters from their 
 country to polish and enlighten our hemisphere. 
 This was a sad time for Pindar, who had taken 
 a genuine Cockloft prejudice against everything 
 French, ever since he was brought to death's 
 door by a ragout : he groaned at Ca Ira, and the 
 Marseilles Hymn had much the same effect upon 
 him, that sharpening a knife on a dry whetstone 
 has upon some people — it set his teeth chatter- 
 mg. He might in time have been reconciled tc 
 
C CKL OF T HA LL. 87 
 
 these rubs, had not the introduction of French 
 cockades on the hats of our citizens absolutely 
 thrown him into a fever. The first time he saw 
 an instance of this kind, he came home with 
 great precipitation, packed up his trunk, his old- 
 fashioned writing-desk, and liis Chinese ink-stand, 
 and made a kind of crowline retreat to Cockloft 
 Hall,^ where he has resided ever since. 
 
 My cousin Pindar is of a mercurial disposition 
 — a humorist without ill-nature — he is of the 
 true gunpowder temper ; one flash, and all is 
 over. It is true when the wind is easterly, or 
 the gout gives him a gentle twinge, or he hears 
 of any new successes of the French, he will 
 become a little splenetic ; and heaven help the 
 man, and more particularly the woman, that 
 crosses his humor at that moment — she is sure 
 to receive no quarter. These are the most sub- 
 lime moments of Pindar. I swear to you, dear 
 ladies and gentlemen, I would not lose one of 
 
 1 Cockloft Hall had its origin in a favorite resort of Irving 
 and his companions, in an old country house, once the resi- 
 dence of the Kembles, on the Passaic, near Ne\yark. It was 
 then known, says the writer of a pleasant reminiscence in the 
 Newark Advertiser, as the " Gouvorneur Place," from which 
 family it had descended to Mr. Gouveriieur Kemble; but dur- 
 ing most of the time referred to it was not inhabited by the 
 family, but was in charge of a respectable couple, who kept 
 it in order, and acted as host and hostess to Irving, Paulding, 
 and the three or four others, constiruting their coterie." Mr. 
 Irving, in a letter to the New Jersey Historical Society, re- 
 ferring to these visits, remarked, " With Newark are asso- 
 ciated in my mind many pleasant recollections of early days, 
 and of social meetings at au old mansion on the banks of the 
 Passaic." 
 
38 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 these splenetic bursts for the best wig in my 
 wardrobe ; even though it were proved to be the 
 identical wig worn by the sage Linkum Fidelius, 
 when he demonstrated before the whole University 
 of Leyden, that it was possible to make bricks 
 without straw. I have seen the old gentleman 
 blaze forth such a volcanic explosion of wit, 
 ridicule, and satire, that I was almost tempted to 
 believe him inspired. But these sallies only 
 lasted for a moment, and passed like summer 
 clouds over the benevolent sunshine which ever 
 warmed his heart and lighted up his countenance. 
 
 Time, tliough it has dealt roughly with his 
 person, has passed lightly over the graces of his 
 mind, and left him in full possession of all the 
 sensibilities of youth. His eye kindles at the 
 relation of a noble and generous action, his heart 
 melts at the story of distress, and he is still a 
 warm admirer of the fair. Like all old bachelors, 
 however, he looks back with a fond and lingering 
 eye on the period of his boyhood ; and would 
 sooner suffer the pangs of matrimony than ac- 
 knowledge that the world, or anything in it, is 
 half so clever as it was in those good old times 
 that are " gone by." 
 
 I believe I have already mentioned, that with 
 all his good qualities he is a humorist, and a 
 humorist of the highest order. He has some of 
 the most intolerable whim-whams I ever met 
 with in my life, and his oddities are sufficient to 
 eke out a hundred tolerable originals. But I 
 will not eidarge on them — enough has been told 
 to excite a desire to know more ; and I am much 
 
A POETICAL EPISTLE. - 39 
 
 mistaken if, in the course of half a dozen of our 
 numbers, he don't tickle, plague, please, and 
 perplex the whole town, and completely establish 
 his claim to the laureateship he has solicited, and 
 with which we hereby invest him, recommending 
 him and his efiusions to public reverence and 
 respect. Launcelot Langstaff. 
 
 D 
 
 TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 
 EAR LAUNCE, 
 
 As I find you have taken the quill, 
 To put our gay town and its fair under drill, 
 I offer my hopes for success to your cause. 
 And send you unvarnish'd my mite of applause. 
 Ah, Launce, this poor town has been wofully 
 fash'd ; 
 Has long been be-Frenchman'd, be-cockney'd, be- 
 
 trash'd. 
 And our ladies bedeviFd, bewilder'd astray, 
 From the rules of their grandames have wan- 
 dered away. 
 No longer that modest demeanor we meet, 
 Which whilom the eye*3 of our fathers did greet ; 
 No longer be-mobbled, be-ruffled, be-quilled, 
 Be-powder'd, be-hooded, be-patch'd, and be- 
 
 frilt'd. 
 No longer our fair ones their grograms display. 
 And stiff in brocade, strut " like castles " away. 
 
iO SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 O, how fondly my soul forms departed have 
 
 traced, 
 Wheu our ladies in stays, and in bodice well 
 
 laced, 
 When bishop'd, and cushioned, and hoop*d to the 
 
 chin, 
 Well calash'd without, and well bolster'd within ; 
 All cased in their buckrams, from crown down 
 
 to tail, 
 Like O'Brallaghan's mistress, were shaped like a 
 
 pail. 
 Well — peace to those fashions — the joy of 
 
 our eyes — 
 Tempora mutantur, new follies will rise ; 
 Yet, " like joys that are past," they still crowd 
 
 on the mind. 
 In moments of thought, as the soul looks behind. 
 Sweet days of our boyhood, gone by, my dear 
 
 Launce, 
 Like the shadows of night, or the forms in a 
 
 trance ; 
 Yet oft we retrace those bright visions again, 
 Nos mutamur, 'tis true — but those visions re- 
 main. 
 I recall with delight, how my bosom would creep, 
 When some delicate foot from its chamber would 
 
 peep; 
 And when I a neat stocking'd ankle could spy, 
 By the sages of old I was rapt to the sky ! 
 All then was retiring, was modest, discreet ; 
 The beauties, all shrouded, were left to conceit — 
 To the visions which fancy would form in her 
 
 eye, 
 
A POETICAL EPISTLE. 41 
 
 Of graces that snug in soft ambush would lie ; 
 And the heart, like the poets, in thought would 
 
 pursue 
 The elysium of bliss which was veiled from its 
 
 view. 
 We are old-fashion'd fellows, our nieces will 
 
 say: 
 Old-fashioned, indeed, coz — and swear it they 
 
 may — 
 For I freely confess that it yields me no pride. 
 To see them all blaze what their mothers would 
 
 hide : 
 To see them, all shivering, some cold winter's 
 
 day, 
 So lavish their beauties and graces display, 
 And give to each fopling that offers his hand, 
 Like Moses from Pisgah — > a peep at the land. 
 But a truce with complaining — the object in 
 
 view 
 Is to offer my help in the work you pursue; 
 And as your effusions and labors sublime. 
 May need, now and then, a few touches of 
 
 rhyme, 
 I humbly solicit, as cousin and friend, 
 A quiddity, quirk, or remonstrance to send : 
 Or should you a laureate want in your plan, 
 By the muff of my grandmother, I am your 
 
 man ! 
 You must know I have got a poetical mill, 
 Which with odd lines, and couplets, and triplets 
 
 I fill; 
 And a poem I grind, as from rags white and blue 
 The paper-mill yields you a sheet fair and new. 
 
42 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 I can grind down an ode, or an epic that's long, 
 
 Into sonnet, acrostic, conundrum, or song: 
 
 As to dull hudibrastic, so boasted of late, 
 
 The doggrel discharge of some muddle-brain'd 
 
 pate, 
 I can grind it by wholesale — and give it its 
 
 point, 
 With billingsgate dished up in rhymes out of 
 
 joint. 
 1 have read all the poets, and got them by 
 
 heart ; 
 Can slit them, and twist them, and take them 
 
 apart ; 
 Can cook up an ode out of patches and shreds, 
 To muddle my readers and bother their heads. 
 Old Homer, and Virgil, and Ovid I scan, 
 Anacreon, and Sappho, who changed to a swan ; 
 I ambics and sapphics I grind at my will. 
 And with duties of love every noddle can fill. 
 O, 'twould do your heart good, Launce, to 
 
 see my mill grind 
 Old stuff into verses and poems refin'd : — 
 Dan Spenser, Dan Chaucer, those poets of old. 
 Though covered with dust, are yet true sterling 
 
 gold^ 
 I can grind off their tarnish, and bring them to 
 
 view, 
 New-modell'd, new-mill'd, and improved in their 
 
 hue. 
 But I promise no more — only give me the 
 
 place, 
 And I'll warrant I'll fill it with credit and grace ; 
 
AN ADVERTISEMENT. 43 
 
 By the living ! I'll figure and cut you a dash — 
 A.S bold as. Will Wizard, or 'Sbidlikensflash ! 
 
 Pindar Cockloft. 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 PERHAPS the most fruitful source of mor- 
 tification to a merry writer, who, for the 
 amusement of himself and the public, employs 
 his leisure in sketching odd characters from im- 
 agination, is, that he cannot flourish his pen but 
 every Jack-pudding imagines it is pointed directly 
 at himself; he cannot, in his gambols, throw a 
 fool's cap among the crowd, but every queer fel- 
 low insists upon putting it on his own head ; or 
 chalk an outlandish figure, but every outlandish 
 genius is eager to write his own name under it. 
 However we may be mortified, that these men 
 should each individually think himself of sufficient 
 consequence to engage our attention, we should 
 not care a rush about it, if they did not get into 
 a passion, and complain of having been ill used. 
 
 It is not in our hearts to hurt the feelings of 
 one single mortal by holding him up to public 
 ridicule ; and if it were, we lay it down as one 
 of our indisputable facts, that no man can be 
 made ridiculous but by his own folly. As, how- 
 ever, we are aware that when a man by chance 
 gets a thwack in the crowd, he is apt to suppose 
 the blow w^as intended exclusively for himself, 
 
44 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 and so fall into unreasonable anger, we have de- 
 termined to let these crusty gentry know what 
 kind of satisfaction they are to expect from us. 
 We are resolved not to fight, for three special 
 reasons : first, because fighting is at all events 
 extremely troublesome and inconvenient, particu- 
 larly at this season of the year ; second, because 
 if either of us should happen to be killed, it 
 would be a great loss to the public, and rob them 
 of many a good laugh we have in store for their 
 amusement ; and third, because if we should 
 chance to kill our adversary, as is most likely, 
 for we can every one of us split balls upon razors 
 and snuff candles, it would be a loss to our pub- 
 lisher, by depriving him of a good customer. If 
 any gentleman casuist will give three as good 
 reasons for fighting, we promise him a complete 
 set of Salmagundi for nothing. 
 
 But though we do not fight in our own proper 
 persons, let it not be supposed that we will not 
 give ample satisfaction to all those who may 
 choose to demand it, for this would be a mis- 
 take of the first magnitude, and lead very valiant 
 gentlemen perhaps into what is called a quan- 
 dary. It would be a thousand and one pities 
 that any honest man, after taking to himself the 
 cap and bells which we merely offered to his 
 acceptance, should not bave the privilege of 
 being cudgeled into the bargain. We pride 
 ourselves upon giving satisfaction in every de- 
 partment of our paper ; and to fill that of fight- 
 ing, have engaged two of those strapping heroes 
 of the theatre, who figure in the retinues of our 
 
PROFFER OF SATISFACTION. 
 
 45 
 
 gingerbread kings and queens ; now hurry an 
 old stuff petticoat on their backs, and strut sena- 
 tors of Rome, or aldermen of London ; and now 
 be-wliisker their muffin faces with burnt cork, 
 and swagger right valiant warriors, armed cap a- 
 pie, in buckram. Should, therefore, any great 
 little man about town take offense at our good- 
 natured villainy, though we intend to offend no- 
 body under heaven, he will please to apply at 
 any hour after twelve o'clock, as our champions 
 will then be off duty at the theatre and ready for 
 anything. They have promised to fight " with 
 or without balls ; " to give two tweaks of the 
 nose for one ; to submit to be kicked, and to 
 cudgel their applicant most heartily in return ; 
 this being what we understand by '' the satisfao- 
 tion of a gentleman." 
 
NO. III. — FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1807 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 
 
 S I delight in everything novel and 
 
 eccentric, and would at any time give 
 
 I an old coat for a new idea, I am par- 
 
 ticularly attentive to the manners and conversa- 
 tion of strangers, and scarcely ever a traveller 
 enters this city whose appearance promises any- 
 thing original, but by some means or another I 
 form an acquaintance with him. I must confess 
 I often suffer manifold afflictions from the intima- 
 cies thus contracted : my curiosity is frequently 
 punished by the stupid details of a blockhead, or 
 the shallow verbosity of a coxcomb. Now, I 
 would prefer at any time to travel with an ox- 
 team through a Carolina sand-flat, ^ther than 
 plod through a heavy, unmeaning conversation 
 with the former; and as to the latter, I would 
 sooner hold sweet converse with the wheel of a 
 knife-grinder than endure his monotonous chat- 
 tering. In fact, the strangers who flock to this 
 most pleasant of all earthly cities are generally 
 mere birds of passage, whose plumage is often 
 gay enough, I own, but their notes, " heaven 
 save the mark," are as unmusical as those of 
 that classic night-bird which the ancients humor- 
 
TICKLING A COCKNEY. 47 
 
 Dusly selected aKS the emblem of wisdom. Those 
 from the South, it is true, entertain me with 
 their horses, equipages, and puns ; and it is ex- 
 cessively pleasant to hear a couple of these four^ 
 in-hand gentlemen detail their exploits over a 
 bottle. Those from the East have often induced 
 me to doubt the existence of the wise men of 
 yore, who are said to have flourished in that 
 quarter ; and as for those from parts beyond seas 
 — 01 my masters, ye shall hear more from me 
 anon. Heaven help this unhappy town ! hath 
 it not goslings enow of its own hatching and 
 rearing, that it must be overwhelmed by such an 
 inundation of ganders from other climes? I 
 would not have any of my courteous and gentle 
 readers suppose that I am running a muck, full 
 tilt, cut and slash, upon all foreigners indiscrimi- 
 nately. I have no national antipathies, though 
 related to the Cockloft family. As to honest 
 John Bull, I shake him heartily by the hand, 
 assuring him that I love his jolly countenance, 
 and, moreover. Mm lineally descended from him; 
 in proof of which I allege my invincible predi- 
 lection for roast beef and pudding. 1 therefore 
 look upon all his children as my kinsmen ; and I 
 beg, when I tickle a cockney, I may not be under- 
 stood as trimming an Englishman; — they being 
 very distinct animals, as I shall clearly demon- 
 strate in a future number. If any one wishes 
 (o know my opinion of the Irish and Scotch, he 
 may find it in the characters of those two nations, 
 drawn by the first advocate of the age. But the 
 t'rcnch, I must i-onfess, are my favorites ; and I 
 
48 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 have taken more pains to argue my cousin Pin- 
 dar out of his antipathy to them than I ever 
 did about any other thing. When, therefore, I 
 choose to hunt a Monsieur for my own particular 
 amusement, I beg it may not be asserted that I 
 intend him as a representative of his countrymen 
 at large. Far from this ; I love the nation, as 
 being a nation of right merry fellows, possessing 
 the true secret of being happy ; which is nothing 
 more than thinking of nothing, talking about 
 anything, and laughing at everything. I mean 
 only to tune up those little thingimys, who repre- 
 sent nobody but themselves ; who have no na- 
 tional trait about them but their language, and 
 who hop about our town in swarms, like little 
 toads after a shower. 
 
 Among the few strangers whose acquaintance 
 has entertained me, I particularly rank the mag- 
 nanimous Mustapha Rub-a-dub Keli Khan, a 
 most illustrious captain of a ketch, who figured, 
 some time since, in our fashionable circles, at the 
 head of a ragged regiment of Tripolitan prison- 
 ers.^ His conversation was to me a perpetual 
 feast; I chuckled with inward pleasure at his 
 whimsical mistakes and unaffected observations 
 on men and manners, and I rolled each odd con- 
 ceit " like a sweet morsel under my tongue." 
 
 Whether Mustapha was captivated by my 
 
 1 Several Tripolitan prisoners, taken by an American 
 squadron, in an action off Tripoli, were brought to New 
 York, wliere they lived at large, objects of the curiosity and 
 hospitality of the inhabitants, until an opportunity presentp<1 
 to restore thorn to their own country. — Pm-is Ed. 
 
LETTER OF MU STAPH A. 49 
 
 iron-bound physiogncmy, or flattered by tlie 
 attentions which I paid him, I won't determine ; 
 but I so far gained liis confidence, that, at his 
 departure, he presented me with a bundle of 
 papers, containing, among other articles, several 
 copies of letters, which he had written to his 
 friends at Tripoli. The following is a transla- 
 tion of one of them. The original is in Arabic- 
 Greek ; but by the assistance of Will Wizard, 
 who understands all languages, not excepting 
 that manufactured by Psalmanazar, I have been 
 enabled to accomplish a tolerable translation. 
 We should have found little difficulty in render- 
 ing it into English, had it not been for Musta- 
 pha's confounded pot-hooks and trammels. 
 
 LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELl 
 KHAN, 
 
 CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAIj 
 
 SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW 
 
 OF TRIPOLI. 
 
 THOU wilt learn from this letter, most illus- 
 trious disciple of Mahomet, that I have for 
 some time resided in New York ; the most 
 polished, vast, and magnificent city of the United 
 States of America. But what to me are its de- 
 lights ! I wander a captive through its splendid 
 streets, I turn a heavy eye on every rising day 
 that beholds me banished from my country. The 
 Christian husbands here lament most bitterly any 
 
50 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 short absence from home, though they leave but 
 one wife behind to lament their departure ; what 
 then must be the feelings of thy unhappy kins- 
 man, while thus lingering at an immeasurable 
 distance from three-and-twenty of the most lovely 
 and obedient wives in all Tripoli ! Allah ! 
 shall thy servant never again return to his native 
 land, nor behold his beloved wives, who beam on 
 his memory beautiful as the rosy morn of the 
 east, and graceful as Mahomet's camel ! 
 
 Yet beautiful, O most puissant slave-driver, 
 as are my wives, they are far exceeded by the 
 women of this country. Even those who run 
 about the streets with bare arms and necks (et 
 cetera), whose habiliments are too scanty to 
 protect them from the inclemency of the seasons, 
 or the scrutinizing glances of the curious, and 
 who it would seem belong to nobody, are lovely 
 as the houris that people the elysium of true 
 believers. If then, such as run wild in the high- 
 ways, and whom no one cares to appropriate, are 
 thus beauteous, what must be the charms of those 
 who are shut up in the seraglios, and never per- 
 mitted to go abroad ! surely the region of beauty, 
 the Valley of the Graces, can contain nothing so 
 inimitably fair ! 
 
 But, notwithstanding the charms of these 
 infidel women, they are apt to have one fault, 
 which is extremely troublesome and inconvenient. 
 Wouldst thou believe it, Asem, I have been 
 positively assured by a famous dervise, or doctor, 
 as he is here called, that at least one-fifth part 
 of them — have souls ! Incredible as it may 
 
NEW YORK LADIES, 51 
 
 seem to thee, I am the more inclined to believe 
 them in possession of this monstrous superfluity^ 
 from my own little experience, and from the in- 
 formation which I have derived from others. In 
 walking the streets I have actually seen an ex- 
 ceedingly good-looking woman, with soul enough 
 to box her husband's ears to his heart's content, 
 and my very whiskers trembled with indignation 
 at the abject state of these wretched infidels. I 
 am told, moreover, that some of the women have 
 soul enough to usurp the breeches of the men, 
 but these I suppose are married and kept close ; 
 for I have not, in my rambles, met with any so 
 extravagantly accoutred : others, I am informed, 
 have soul enough to swear ! — yea ! by the beard 
 of the great Omar, who prayed three times to 
 each of the one hundred and twenty-four thou- 
 sand prophets of our most holy faith, and who 
 never swore but once in his life — they actually 
 swear ! 
 
 Get thee to the mosque, good Asem ! return 
 thanks to our most holy prophet, that he has 
 been thus mindful of the comfort of all true 
 Mussulmans, and has given them wives with no 
 more souls than cats and dogs, and other neces- 
 sary animals of the household. 
 
 Thou wilt doubtless be anxious to learn our 
 reception in this country, and how we were 
 treated by a people whom we have been accus- 
 tomed to consider as unenlightened barbarians. 
 
 On landing we were waited upon to our lodg- 
 ings, I suppose according to the directions of the 
 municipality, by a vast and respectable escort 
 
52 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 of boys and negroes, who shouted and threw up 
 their hats, doubtless to do honor to the magnani- 
 mous Mustapha, captain of a ketch ; they were 
 somewhat ragged and dirty in their equipments, 
 but this we attributed to their republican simplic- 
 ity. One of them, in the zeal of admiration, threw 
 an old shoe, which gave thy friend rather an un- 
 gentle salutation on one side of the head, whereat 
 I was not a little offended, until the interpreter 
 informed us that this was the customary manner 
 in which great men were honored in this coun- 
 try ; and that the more distinguished they were, 
 the more they were subjected to the attacks and 
 peltings of the mob. Upon this I bowed my 
 head three • times, with my hands to my turban, 
 and made a speech in Arabic-Greek, which gave 
 great satisfaction, and occasioned a shower of old 
 shoes, hats, and so forth, that was exceedingly 
 refreshing to us all. 
 
 Thou wilt not as yet expect that I should give 
 thee an account of the laws and politics of this 
 country. I will reserve them for some future 
 letter, when I shall be more experienced in their 
 complicated and seemingly contradictory nature. 
 
 This empire is governed by a grand and most 
 puissant bashaw, whom they dignify with the 
 title of president. He is chosen by persons, who 
 are chosen by an assembly, elected by the people 
 ■ — hence the mob is called the sovereign people 
 — and the country, free ; the body politic doubt- 
 less resembling a vessel, which is best governed by 
 its tail. The present bashaw is a very plain old 
 gentleman — something they say of a humorist. 
 
THE GRAND BASHAW. 53 
 
 as he amuses himself with impaling butterflies 
 and pickling tadpoles ; he is rather declining in 
 popularity, having given great offense by wearing 
 red breeches and tying his horse to a post. ^ 
 The people of the United States have assured 
 me that they themselves are the most enlightened 
 nation under the sun ; but thou knowest that the 
 barbarians of the desert, who assemble at the 
 summer solstice, to shoot their arrows at that 
 glorious luminary, in order to extinguish his 
 burning rays, make precisely the same boast — 
 which of them have the superior claim, I shall 
 not attempt to decide. 
 
 I have observed, with some degree of surprise, 
 that tlie men of this country do not seem in 
 haste to accommodate themselves even with the 
 single wife which alone the laws permit them to 
 marry ; this backwardness is probably owing to 
 the misfortune of their absolutely having no 
 female mutes among them. Thou knowest how 
 valuable are these silent companions — what a 
 price is given for them in the East, and what 
 entertaining wives they make. What delightful 
 
 1 This is another allusion to the primitive habits of Mr. 
 Jefferson, who, even while the first magistrate of the Repub- 
 lic, and on occasions when a little of the " pomp and circum- 
 stance " of office would not have been incompatible with that 
 situation, w^as accustomed to dress in the plainest garb, and 
 when on horseback to be without an attendant; so that it not 
 unfrequently happened that he might be seen, when the busi- 
 ness of the state required his personal presence, riding up 
 alone to the government house at Washington, and having 
 tied his steed to the nearest post, proceed to transact the im- 
 portant business of the nation. — Paris Ed. 
 
64 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 entertainment arises from beholding the silent 
 eloquence of their sighs and gestures ; but a 
 wife possessed both of a tongue and a soul — 
 monstrous ! monstrous ! is it astonishing that 
 these unhappy infidels should shrink from a union 
 with a woman so preposterously endowed ! 
 
 Thou host doubtless read in the works of Abul 
 Faraj, the Arabian historian, the tradition which 
 mentions that the muses were once upon the 
 point of falling togetiier by the ears about the 
 admission of a tenth amons their number, until 
 she assured them, by signs, that she was dumb ; 
 whereupon they received her with great rejoi- 
 cing. I should, perhaps, inform thee that there 
 are but nine Christian muses, who were formerly 
 pagans, but have since been converted, and that 
 in this country we never hear of a tenth, unless 
 some crazy poet wishes to pay a hyperbolical 
 compliment to his mistress; on which occasion it 
 goes hard, but she figures as a tenth muse, or 
 fourth grace, even though she should be more 
 illiterate than a Hottentot, and more ungraceful 
 than a dancing bear ! Since my arrival in this 
 country, I have met with not less than a hundred 
 of these supernumerary muses and graces — and 
 may Allah preserve me from ever meeting with 
 any more ! 
 
 When I have studied this people more pro- 
 foundly, I will write thee again : in the mean 
 time watch over my household, and do not beat 
 my beloved wives unless you catch them with 
 their noses out at the window. Though far dis- 
 tant, and a slave, let me live in thy heart as thou 
 
FASHIONS. 55 
 
 Hvest in mine ; think not, friend of my soul, 
 that the splendors of this luxurious capital, its 
 gorgeous palaces, its stupendous mosques, and the 
 beautiful females who run wild in herds about its 
 streets, can obliterate thee from my remembrance 
 Thy name shall still be mentioned in the five-and- 
 twenty prayers which I offer up daily ; and may 
 our great prophet, after bestowing on thee all the 
 blessings of this life, at length, in good old age, 
 lead thee gently by the hand, to enjoy the dignity 
 of bashaw of three tails in the blissful bowers of 
 Eden. MusTAPHA. 
 
 FASHIONS. 
 
 BY ANTHONY EVEKGREEN, GENT. 
 
 The following article is furnished me by a young lady of un- 
 questionable taste, and who is the oracle of fashion and frip- 
 pery. Being deej^ly initiated into all the mysteries of the 
 toilet, she has promised me, from time to time, a similar detail. 
 
 MRS. TOOLE has for some time reigned un- 
 rivaled in the fashionable world, and had 
 the supreme direction of caps, bonnets, feathers, 
 flowers, and tinsel. She has dressed and undressed 
 our ladies just as she pleased ; now loading them 
 with velvet and wadding, now turning them adrift 
 upon the world to run shivering through the 
 streets with scarcely a covering to their — backs; 
 and now obliging them to drag a long train at 
 their heels, like the tail of a paper kite. Her 
 
56 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 despotic sway, however, threatens to be limited. 
 A dangerous rival has sprung up in the person 
 of Madame Boucliard, an intrepid little woman, 
 fj*es!i from the head-quarters of fashion and folly, 
 and who has burst like a second Bonaparte upon 
 the fashionable world. Mrs. Toole, notwithstand- 
 ing, seems determined to dispute her ground 
 bravely for the honor of old England. Tiie ladies 
 have begun to arrange themselves under the 
 banner of one or other of these heroines of the 
 needle, and everything portends open war. Ma- 
 darrje Bouchard marches gallantly to the field, 
 flourishing a flaming red robe for a standard, 
 "flouting the skies;" and Mrs. Toole, no wise 
 dismayed, sallies out under cover of a forest of 
 artificial flowers, like Malcolm's iiost. Both parties 
 possess great merit, and both deserve the victory. 
 Mrs. Toole charges the highest, but Madame 
 Bouchard makes the lowest courtesy. Madame 
 Bouchard is a little short lady — nor is there any 
 hope of her growing larger ; but then she is per- 
 fectly genteel, and so is Mrs. Tople. Mrs. Toole 
 lives in Broadway, and Madame Bouchaj'd in 
 Courtlandt street ; but Madame atones for the in- 
 feriority of her stand by making two courtesies 
 to Mrs. Toole's one, and talking French like an 
 angel. Mrs. Toole is the best looking, but Ma- 
 dame Bouchard wears a most bewitching little 
 scrubby wig. Mrs. Toole is the tallest, but Ma- 
 ianie Bouchard has the longest nose. Mrs. Toole 
 IS fond of roast beef, but Madame Bouchard is 
 loyal in her adherence to onions ; in short, so 
 equally are the merits of the two ladies balanced, 
 
MORNING DRESS. 57 
 
 that there is no judging which will " kick the 
 beam." It, however, seems to be the prevailing 
 opinion that Madame Bouchard will carry the 
 day, because she wears a wig, has a long nose, 
 talks French, loves onions, and does not charge 
 ubove ten times as much for a thing as it is worth. 
 
 Uiider the direction of these high piiestesses of the beau-monde^ 
 the folloioing is the fashionable morning dress for walking. 
 
 If the weather be very cold, a thin muslin 
 gown or frock is most advisable, because it agrees 
 with the season, being perfectly cool. The neck, 
 arms, and particularly the elbows bare, in order 
 that they may be agreeably painted and mottled 
 by Mr. John Frost, nose-painter-general, of the 
 color of Castile soap. Shoes of kid, the thinnest 
 that can possibly be procured — as they tend to 
 promote colds, and make a lady look interesting — 
 {i, e. grizzly). Picnic silk stockings, with lace 
 clocks, flesh-colored are most fashionable, as they 
 have the appearance of bare legs — nudity being 
 all the rage. The stockings carelessly bespattered 
 with mud, to agree with the gown, which should be 
 bordered about three inches deep with the most 
 fashionable colored mud that can be found ; the 
 ladies permitted to hold up their trains, after they 
 have swept two or three streets, in order to 
 show — the clocks of their stockings. The sl.awl 
 scarlet, crimson, flame, orange, salmon, or any 
 other combustible or brimstone color, thrown over 
 
58 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 one shoulder, like an Indian blanket, with one 
 end dragging on the ground. 
 
 N. B. if the ladies have not a red shawl at 
 hand, a red petticoat, turned topsy-turvy over the 
 shoulders, would do just as well. This is called 
 beinof dressed a la drabble. 
 
 When the ladies do not go abroad of a morn- 
 ing, the usual chimuej-corner dress is a dotted, 
 spotted, striped, or cross-barred gown ; a yellowish, 
 whitish, sinokish, dirty-colored shawl, and the 
 hair curiously ornamented with little bits of news- 
 papers, or pieces of a letter from a dear friend. 
 This is called the '' Cinderella dress." 
 
 The recipe for a full dress is as follows : take 
 of spider-net, crape, satin, gimp, cat-gut, gauze, 
 whalebone, lace, bobbin, ribbons, and artificial 
 flowers, as much as will riof out the congregation 
 of a village church ; to these, add as many span- 
 gles, beads, and gewgaws as would be sufficient to 
 turn the heads of all the fashionable fair ones 
 of Nootka Sound. Let Mrs. Toole or Madame 
 Bouchard patch all these articles together, one 
 upon another, dash them plentifully over with 
 stars, bugles, and tinsel, and they will altogether 
 form a dress, which, hung upon a lady's back, 
 cannot fail of supplying the place of beauty, 
 youth, and grace, and of reminding the spectator 
 of that celebrated region of finery eddied Rag 
 Fair. 
 
 ONE of the greatest sources of amusement 
 incident to our humorous knight-errantry 
 is to ramble about, and hear tlie various conjee- 
 
INCOG. 59 
 
 tures of the town respecting our worships, whom 
 everybody pretends to know as well as Falstaff 
 did Prince Hal, at Gad's-hill. We have sometimes 
 seen a sapient, sleepy fellow, on being tickled with 
 a straw, make a furious effort, and fancy he had 
 fairly caugiit a gnat in his grasp ; so, that many- 
 headed monster, the public, who, with all its 
 heads, is, we fear, sadly off for brains, has, after 
 long hovering, come souse down, like a king-tisher, 
 on the autliors of Salmagundi, and caught them as 
 certainly as the aforesaid honest fellow caught the 
 gnat. 
 
 Would that we were rich enough to give every 
 one of our numerous readers a cent, as a reward 
 for their ingenuity ! Not that they have really 
 conjectured within a thousand leagues of the truth, 
 but that we consider it a great stretch of ingenu- 
 ity even to have guessed wrong ; and that we 
 hold ourselves much obliged to them for havinsr 
 taken the trouble to guess at all. 
 
 One of the most tickling, dear, mischievous 
 pleasures of this life is to laugh in one's sleeve 
 — to sit snug in the corner, unnoticed and un- 
 known, and hear the wise men of Gotham, who 
 are profound judges of horse-flesh, pronounce, from 
 the style of our work, who are the authors. This 
 \istening incog., and receiving a hearty praising 
 over another man's back, is a situation so celes- 
 tially whimsical, that we have done little else than 
 laugh in our sleeve ever since our first number 
 was published. 
 
 The town has at length allayed the titillations 
 of curiosity, by fixing on two young gentlemen 
 
60 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 of literary talents — that is to say, they are equal 
 to the composition of a newspaper squib, a hodge- 
 podge criticism, or some such trifle, and may occa- 
 sionally raise a smile by their effusions ; but par- 
 don us, sweet sirs, if we modestly doubt your 
 capability of supporting the burden of Salmagundi, 
 or of keeping up a laugh for a whole fortnight, as 
 we have done, and intend to do, until the whole 
 town becomes a community of laughing philos- 
 ophers like ourselves. We have no intention, 
 however, of undervaluing the abilities of these two 
 young men, wliom we verily believe, according 
 to common acceptation, young men of promise. 
 
 Were we ill-natured, we might publish some- 
 thing that would get our representatives into dif- 
 ficulties ; but far be it from us to do anything to 
 the injury of persons to whom we are under such 
 obligations. 
 
 While they stand before us, we, like little Teucer, 
 behind the sevenfold shield of Ajax, can lauuch 
 unseen our sportive arrows, which, we trust, will 
 never inflict a wound, unless, like his, they fly, 
 *' heaven-directed," to some conscience-struck bo- 
 som. 
 
 Another marvelous great source of pleasure to 
 us is the abuse our work has received from sev- 
 eral wooden gentlemen, whose censures we covet 
 more than ever we did anything in our lives. 
 The moment we declared open war against folly 
 and stupidity, we expected to receive no quarter ; 
 and to provoke a confederacy of all the blockheads 
 in town. For it is one of our indisputable facts, 
 that so sure as you catch a gander by the tail, the 
 
DULLNESS IN ARMS. 61 
 
 whole flock, geese, goslings, one and all, have a 
 fellow feeling on the occasion, and begin to cackle 
 and hiss like so many devils bewitched. As we 
 have a profound respect for these ancient and re- 
 spectable birds, on the score of their once 
 saving the Capitol, we hereby declare that we 
 mean no offense whatever by comparing them to 
 the aforesaid confederacy. We have heard, in 
 our walks, such criticism on Salmagundi as almost 
 induced ^ belief that folly had here, as in the 
 East, her moments of inspired idiotism. Every 
 silly roystei has, as if by an instinctive sense of 
 anticipated danger, joined in the cry, and con- 
 demned us without mercy. All is thus as it should 
 be. It would have mortified us very sensibly 
 had we been disappointed in this particular, as we 
 should then have been apprehensive that our shafts 
 had fallen to the ground, imiocent of the " blood 
 or brains" of a single numskull. Our efforts have 
 been crowned with wonderful success. All the 
 queer fish, the grubs, the flats, the noddies, and 
 the live-oak and timber gentlemen, are pointing 
 their empty guns at us ; and we are threatened 
 with a most puissant confederacy of the " pigmies 
 and cranes," and other '' light militia," backed by 
 the heavy-armed artillery of dullness and stupidity. 
 The veriest dreams of our most sanguine moments 
 are thus realized. We 4iave no fear of the cen- 
 sures of the wise, the good, or the fair, for they 
 will ever be sacred from our attacks. We rever- 
 ence the wise, love the good, and adore the fair ; 
 we declare ourselves champions in their cause 
 — in the cause of morality — and we throw our 
 gauntlet to all the world besides. 
 
62 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 While we profess and feel the sarae indifference 
 to public applause as at first, we most earnestly 
 invite the attacks and censui'es of all the wooden 
 warriors of this sensible city ; and especially of 
 that distinguished and learned body, heretofore 
 celebrated under the appellation of " The North 
 River Society." The thrice valiant and renowned 
 Don Quixote never made such work amongst the 
 wool-clad warriors of Trapoban, or the puppets 
 of the itinerant showman, as we promise to make 
 among these fine fellows ; and we pledge ourselves 
 to the public in general, and the Albany skippers 
 in particular, that the North River shall not bo 
 set on fire this winter at least, for we shall give 
 the authors of that nefarious scheme ample em- 
 ployment for some time to come. 
 
 PROCLAMATION, FROM THE MILL OF PINDAE 
 COCKLOFT ESQ. 
 
 TO all the young belles who enliven our scene, 
 From ripe tive-and-forty, to blooming fifteen ; 
 Who racket at routs, and who rattle at plays, 
 Who visit, and fidget, and dance out their days ; 
 Who conquer all hearts with a shot from the eye, 
 Who freeze with a frown, and who thaw with a 
 
 sigh : — 
 To all those bright youths who embellish the age, 
 Whether young boys or old boys, or numskull or 
 sage : 
 
POETICAL INTENTIONS. 63 
 
 Whether bull dogs, who cringe at their mis- 
 tress's feet, 
 
 Who sigh and who whine, and who try to look 
 sweet ; 
 
 Whether tough dogs, who squat down stock 
 still in a row 
 
 And play wooden gentlemen stuck up for a show; 
 
 Or SAD DOGS, who glory in running their rigs, 
 
 Now dash in their sleighs, and now whirl in their 
 
 Who riot at Dyde's^ on imperial champagne, 
 And then scour our city — the peace to maintain; 
 To whoe'er it concerns or may happen to meet, 
 By these presents their worships I lovingly greet, 
 Now KNOW YE, that I, Pindar Cockloft, Esquire, 
 Am laureate, appointed at special desire ; 
 A censor, self-dubbed, to admonish the fair, 
 And tenderly take the town under my care. 
 
 I'm a ci-devant beau, cousin Launcelot has 
 
 said — 
 A remnant of habits long vanished and dead : 
 But still, thougli my heart dwells with rapture 
 
 sublime. 
 On the fashions and customs which reign'd in my 
 
 prime, 
 I yet can perceive — and still candidly praise, 
 Some maxims and manners of these "latter days;'* 
 Still own that some wisdom and beauty appears, 
 Though almost entombed in the rubbish of years. 
 
 1 Dyde's public-house was in Park Row. It was brought 
 into notice by a famous coalition supper of the Burrites and 
 Clintonians. A pamphlet was published giving an account 
 of the Dyde Supper. 
 
G4 ' SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 No fierce nor tyrannical cynic am I, 
 Who frown on each foible I chance to espy ; 
 Who pounce on a novelty, just like a kite, 
 And tear up a victim through malice or spite ; 
 Who expose to the scoffs of an ill-natured crew, 
 A trembler for starting a whim that is new. 
 No, no — I shall cautiously hold up my glass, 
 To the sweet little blossoms who heedlessly pass ; 
 My remarks not too pointed to wound or offend, 
 Nor so vague as to miss their benevolent end : 
 Each innocent fashion shall have its full sway ; 
 New modes shall arise to astonish Broadway : 
 Red hats and red shawls still illumine the town, 
 And each belle, like a bon-fire, blaze up and 
 
 down. 
 Fair spirits who brighten the gloom of our 
 
 days, 
 Who cheer this dull scene with your heavenly 
 
 rays, 
 No mortal can love you more firmly and true, 
 From the crown of the head to the sole of your 
 
 shoe. 
 I'm old fashioned, 'tis true, — but still runs in my 
 
 heart 
 That affectionate stream, to which youth gave 
 
 the start, 
 More calm in its current — yet potent in force ; 
 Less rufiled by gales — but still steadfast in 
 
 course. 
 Though the lover, enraptured, no longer ap- 
 pears, — 
 'Tis the guide and the guardian enlightened by 
 
 years. 
 
POETICAL INTENTIONS. 65 
 
 All ripen'd and mellovv'd and soften'd by time, 
 The asperities polish'd which chafed in my prime ; 
 I'm fully prepared for that delicate end, 
 The fair one's instructor, companion, and friend. 
 — And should I perceive you in fashion's gay 
 
 dance. 
 Allured by the frippery-mongers of France, 
 Expose your weak frames to a chill wintry sky 
 To be nipp'd by its frosts, to be torn from the 
 
 eye; 
 My soft admonitions shall fall on your ear — 
 Shall whisper those parents to whom you are 
 
 dear — 
 Shall warn you of hazards you heedlessly run, 
 And sing of those fair ones whom frost has un- 
 done. 
 Bright suns that would scarce on our horizon 
 
 dawn, 
 Ere shrouded from sight, they were early with- 
 drawn ; 
 Gay sylphs, who have floated in circles below. 
 As pure in their souls, and as transient as snow ; 
 Sweet roses, that bloom'd and decay'd to my eye, 
 And of forms that have flitted and passed to the 
 
 sky. 
 But as to those brainless pert bloods of our town, 
 Tliose sprigs of the ton who run decency down ; 
 Who lounge and who lout, and who booby about, 
 No knowledge within, and no manners without ; 
 Who stare at each beauty with insolent eyes ; 
 Who rail at those morals their fathers would 
 prize ; 
 
 5 
 
66 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 Who are loud at the play — and who impiously 
 
 dare 
 To come in their cups to the routs of the fair ; 
 I shall hold up my mirror, to let them survey 
 The figures they cut as they dash it away : 
 Should my good-humored verse no amendment 
 
 produce, 
 Like scarecrows, at least, they shall still be of 
 
 use ; 
 I shall stitch them, in effigy, up in my rhyme, 
 And hold them aloft through the progress of time, 
 As figures of fun to make the folks laugh, 
 Like that queer-looking angel erected by Paff, 
 " What shtop," as he says, " all de people what 
 
 come ; 
 What smiles on dem all, and what peats on de 
 
 trum." 
 
 " Haw now, mooncalf? '* 
 
 WE have been congratulating ourselves ex- 
 ceedingly on having, at length, attracted 
 the notice of a ponderous genius of this city, 
 Dr. Christopher Costive, LL. D., etc., who has 
 spoken of us in such a manner that we are ten 
 times better pleased than ever we were before. 
 It shall never be said of us, that we have been 
 outdone in the way of complimenting, and we 
 therefore assure Dr. Christopher Costive that, for 
 a Yankee doodle song, about " Sister Tabitha," 
 *'our Cow," and "dandy," and "sugar-candy," 
 
DR. CHRISTOPHER COSTIVE. 67 
 
 and all these jokes of truly Eastern saltness, we 
 know no man more " cute " than himself. 
 
 If Dr. Costive should find fault with having 
 nothing but whipt syllabub from us, we promise 
 him that, if circumstances render it necessary, 
 we will occasionally give it a little variety by 
 whipping him up in it as completely as ever a 
 dish of ass's milk was whipt up in this world. 
 Our friend seems rather vociferous in his demand 
 for a dish of " flummery," and as such a dish is 
 not in our bill of fare, we immediately requested 
 our publisher to procure us one that would suit 
 our friend's appetite. He has brought us " De- 
 mocracy Unveiled, or Tyranny stripped of the 
 Garb of Patriotism," by Christopher Costive, 
 LL. D. etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc. We can 
 now promise our friend to serve him up a plenti- 
 ful dish of flummery from his own shop, when- 
 ever he thinks fit to demand it, and gar- 
 nished with a little Salma";undi for sauce. We 
 hope he will not behave like his prototype, Dr. 
 Lampedo, and gag at his own " patent draught." 
 
 Our respected friend appears a little worried 
 that we do not write for money. Now this looks 
 ill of Dr. Costive — not that we thereby mean to 
 insinuate that Dr. Costive is an ill-looking per- 
 sonage ; on the contrary, we think him a great 
 poet, a very great poet, the greatest poet of the 
 age, and, considering the excessive gravity of 
 his person, we are the more astonished at the sub- 
 lime flights of his fat fancy. To convince him that 
 we are disposed to befriend him all in our power, 
 we take this opportunity to inform our numerous 
 
68 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 readers that there is such a man as Dr, Christo- 
 pher Costive, and that he publishes a weakly pa- 
 per, called the " Weekly Inspector," somewhere 
 in this city, and that he writes for money} We, 
 therefore, advise " everybody, man, woman, and 
 child, that can read, or get anybody to read for 
 them, to purchase his paper," where they will find 
 the true " bubble and squeak," and " topsy- 
 turvy," which Dr. Costive will at any time ex- 
 change for money. 
 
 Upon the whole, we consider him a very mod- 
 est, decent, good-looking big man, who writes for 
 money ; being but " half a fish and half a monster.*' 
 
 1 The " Weekly Inspector," here alluded to, was a neatly 
 printed octavo journal, chiefly political, conducted by Thomas 
 Green Fessenden. It was commenced Aug. 30, 1806, and was 
 published in New York by Ezra Sargent, 39 AVall Street, with 
 the motto from Hamilton : " Of those men who have over' 
 turned the liberties of republics, the greater number have 
 begun their career by paying an obsequious court to the 
 people — commencing demagogues and ending tyrants." 
 
 Feb. 7, 1807, a fortnight after its publication, Fessenden 
 notices Salmagundi, a " new literary publication," with an 
 opening fling or two at the club of wits who profess them- 
 selves supremely indifierent to the reception of their work. 
 In the next number but one of the " Inspector" the attack 
 is followed up by an article — "Salmagundi — o/ir^s Bubble 
 AND Squeak — again." In reply to the notice of the former 
 which had appeared in the interim in Salmagundi, Chris- 
 topher Caustic raves in his extraordinary slang at these 
 "frothy productions." "The disease," he says, '• is becom- 
 ing epidemic, the fever rising to frenzy, spreading from fool to 
 fool; a numberless number of nameless names have already 
 caught the infection, and from one end of the town to the 
 other, all is nonsense and 'Salmagundi.'" He calls it "a 
 mere hodge-podge of train oil and garlic, instead of ' Salma- 
 
DR. CAUSTIC'S RAVINGS. 69 
 
 gundi.' .... This is, in English, a ' gibe cat,' smoth- 
 ered in onions and eaten with fennel, rue, and caraway seed 
 In fact, there was one Huddesford, an English wit, who wrote 
 a poem with that are title, which this worst of wizards may 
 have purloined in some of their rambles, and thus gained a 
 lerjal claim to the wit it contains." He proposes, to his own 
 great delight, " Silly-kickaby " as a substitute for " Salma- 
 gundi."' " Having dispatched ' Salmagundi ' or SiUy-kicknby, 
 we come next to ' Whimwhams and Opinions.' What a 
 broken-backed metaphor! it is as bad as to have christened 
 your nonsense Apjile Dumpling ; or Flights of Fancy. 
 
 ' Atque idem jungat vulpes 
 Et mulgeat hircos ' — 
 
 That is, in English: — 
 
 This sorry set of silly shoats, 
 Should be employed to milk he-goats, 
 Or sent to Carolina bogs, 
 To yoke ox-teams of prairie dogs. 
 
 Whimwhams' is taken by this junto of notables from an 
 English publication. Launcelot Langstaff is a vile daub 
 of a caricature of Isaac Bickerstaff. Will Honeycomb sat 
 for Anthony Evergreen; Will Wizard's original may be 
 found in the British classics ; and in short, the prototype of 
 every other character, with the exception of a ^QVf scurrilous 
 personalities. The work ought to have been styled Silly-kick- 
 aby, alias Tag-locks of common English Publications^ compiled 
 by Dunderpate, Doughhead, Dumpling and Co., published 
 by Peter Pettyman, sold at the sign of the Ditch delving 
 driveller, Caughnawaugher Slip, dedicated, and to be devoted, 
 to a certain goddess." The Doctor ends with abusing the 
 metre of Pindar Cockloft, and then asserting that it was 
 stolen from " Dr. Caustic's nick-nackatory." 
 
 We shall see in a future number how the Doctor's literary 
 billingsgate was followed up in Salmagundi. The " Weekly 
 Inspector " replies in tlie small shot of a handful of " squibs '* 
 in his number for March 6, leveled at " the lilliputian 
 journal," alluding to the small page of the original edition 
 of Salmagundi, and the war dies out. 
 
70 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 The " Inspector" makes his exit at the close of his second 
 volume, Aug. 22, 1807. 
 
 These mutual random hits and editorial discourtesies of a 
 type too common in the annals of literature — these quarrels 
 of authors — should be remembered for what they were, the 
 passing nonsense of the hour. Thomas Green Fessenden, 
 notwithstanding this nonsensical raving, was a man of mark 
 and merit — not only of humor and spirit in the comic verses 
 with which he enlivened the newspaper discussions of his 
 day, but to be held in memory for his more sober labors in 
 the cause of agriculture. There is a very pleasing reminis- 
 cence of his later 3-ears — he died at the age of sixty-six in 
 1837 — by Nathaniel Hawthorne, in which he celebrates 
 " the amiable temper and abstracted habits " of his old 
 friend. 
 
NO. IV. -TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 1807. 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 
 
 ERHAPS there is no class of men to 
 which the curious and literary are more 
 indebted than travellers — I mean travel- 
 mongers, who write whole volumes about them- 
 selves, their horses, and their servants, interspersed 
 with anecdotes of innkeepers, droll sayings of stage- 
 drivers, and interesting memoirs of — the Lord 
 knows who. They will give you a full account 
 of a city, its manners, customs, and manufactures ; 
 though perhaps all their knowledge of it was ob- 
 tained by a peep from their itm-windows, and an 
 interesting conversation with the landlord or the 
 waiter. America has had its share of these buz- 
 zards ; and in the name of my countrymen I re- 
 turn them profound thanks for the compliments 
 they have lavished upon us, and the variety of 
 particulars concerning our own country, which we 
 should never have discovered without their assist- 
 ance. 
 
 Influenced by such sentiments, I am delighted 
 to find that the Cockloft family, among its other 
 whimsical and monstrous productions, is about to 
 be enriched with a genuine travel- writer. This 
 is no less a personage than Mr. Jeremy Cock- 
 
72 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 loft, the only son and darling pride of my cousin, 
 Mr. Cliristopher Cockloft. I should have said 
 Jeremy Cockloft, the younger^ as he so styles 
 himself, by way of distinguishing him from II 
 Signore Jeremy Cockloftico, a gouty old gentle- 
 man who flourished about the time that Pliny 
 tiie elder was smoked to death with the fire 
 and brimstone of Vesuvius ; and whose travels, 
 if he ever wrote any, are now lost forever 
 to the world. Jeremy is now in his one-and- 
 twentieth year, and a young fellow of wonderful 
 quick parts, if you will trust to the word of his 
 father, who, having begotten him, should be the 
 best judge of the matter. He is the oracle of 
 the family, dictates to his sisters on every oc- 
 casion, though they are some dozen or more years 
 older than himself — and never did son give 
 mother better advice than Jeremy. 
 
 As old Cockloft was determined his son should 
 be both a scholar and a gentleman, he took great 
 pains with his education, which was completed at 
 our university, where he became exceedingly ex- 
 pert in quizzing his teachers and playing billiards. 
 No student made better squibs and crackers to 
 blow up the chemical professor; no one chalked 
 more ludicrous caricatures on the walls of the 
 college ; and none were more adroit in shaving 
 pigs and climbing lightning-rods. He moreover 
 learned all the letters of the Greek alphabet ; 
 could demonstrate that water never, " of its own 
 accord," rose above the level of its source, and 
 that air was certainly the principle of life ; for 
 he had been entertained with the humane experi- 
 
JEREMY COCKLOFT. 73 
 
 inent of a cat worried to death in an air-pump. 
 He once shook down the ash-house, bj an artificial 
 earthquake ; and nearly blew his sister Barbara 
 and her cat out of the window with thundering 
 powder. He hkewise boasts exceedingly of being 
 thoroughly acquainted with the composition of 
 Lacedemonian black broth ; and once made a pot 
 of it, which had well-nigh poisoned the whole 
 family, and actually threw the cook-maid into 
 convulsions. But above all, he values himself 
 upon his logic, has the old college conundrum of 
 the cat with three tails at his fingers' ends, and 
 often hampers his father with his syllogisms, to 
 the great delight of the old gentleman ; who con- 
 siders the major, minor, and conclusion, as almost 
 equal in argument to the pulley, the wedge, and 
 the lever, in mechanics. In fact, my cousin Cock- 
 loft was once nearly annihilated with astonish- 
 ment, on hearing Jeremy trace the derivation 
 of Mango from Jeremiah King — as, Jeremiah 
 King, Jerry King ! Jerking, Girkin ! cucumber, 
 Mango ! In short, had Jeremy been a student 
 at Oxford or Cambridge, he would, in all prob- 
 ability, been pronioted to the dignity of a senior 
 wrangler. By this sketch I mean no disparage- 
 ment to the abilities of other students of our 
 college, for I have no doubt that every commence- 
 ment ushers into society luminaries full as brilliant 
 as Jeremy CochlofU the younger. 
 
 Having made a very pretty speech on grad- 
 uating, to a numerous assemblage of old folks 
 and young ladies, who all declared that he was 
 u very fine young man, and made very handsome 
 
74 SALMAGUNDI, 
 
 gestures, Jeremy was seized with a great desire 
 to see, or rather to be seen by the world ; and 
 as his father was anxious to give him every pos- 
 sible advantage, it was determined Jeremy should 
 visit foreign parts. In consequence of this resolu- 
 tion, he has spent a matter of three or four months 
 in visiting strange places ; and in the course of 
 his travels has tarried some few days at the splen- 
 did metropolis' of Albany and Philadelphia. 
 
 Jeremy has travelled as every modern man of 
 sense should do; that is, he judges of things by 
 the sample next at hand ; if he has ever any 
 doubt on a subject, always decides against the 
 city where he happens to sojourn ; and invariably 
 takes home as the standard by which to direct 
 his judgment. 
 
 Going into his room the other day, when he 
 happened to be absent, I found a manuscript 
 volume lying on his table ; and was overjoyed to 
 find it contained notes and hints for a book of trav- 
 els which he intends publishing. He seems to 
 have taken a late fashionable travel-monger for 
 his model, and I have no doubt his work will be 
 equally instructive and amusing with that of his 
 prototype. The following are some extracts, 
 which may not prove uninteresting to my readers. 
 
TEE STRANGER IN NEW JERSEY. 75 
 
 MEMORANDUMS FOR A TOUR TO BE ENTITLED 
 "THE STRANGER IN NEW JERSEY , OR, COCK- 
 NEY TRAVELLING." i 
 
 BY JEREMY COCKLOFT, THE YOUNGER. 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 THE man in the moon ^ — preparations for de- 
 parture — hints to travellers about packing 
 their trunks ^ — straps, buckles, and bed-cords — 
 ease of pistols, a la cockney — five trunks, three 
 bandboxes, a cocked hat, and a medicine chest, 
 d la Frangaise — parting advice of my two sis- 
 ters — quere, why old maids are so particular in 
 
 1 It is not a little singular, that this mode of ridiculing the 
 gossiping productions of Sir John Carr, and other tourists of 
 the day, should have been successfully adopted almost at the 
 same moment by two writers placed in different and distant 
 quarters of the globe. My Focket-Book appeared in Lon- 
 don only two or three weeks after the publication of these 
 "Memorandums" in New York — so that neither writer 
 could possibly have borrowed from the other — and by its in- 
 genious pleasantry and poignant satire, crushed a whole host 
 of book-making tourists, with the luckless knight at their 
 head. — Paris Ed. This matter is again referred to at the 
 close of No. XIII. 
 
 2 Vide Carr's Stranger in Ireland. John Carr, Esq., of the 
 Honorable Society of the Middle Temple, wrote several slip- 
 slop entertaining books of travel, A Northern Summer^ 
 The Stranger in France^ and The Stranger in Ireland^ a Tour 
 in 1805. The last appears to have been popular in America. 
 It reached its third edition from the New York press of Riley, 
 this very year, 3807. 
 
 3 Vide Weld. Isaac Weld travelled through the United 
 3tatesin 1795-7. 
 
76 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 their cautions against naughty women — descrip- 
 tion of Powles-Hook ferry-boats — might be eon- 
 verted into gun-boats, and defend our ports 
 equally well with Albany sloops — Brom, the 
 black ferryman — Charon — river Styx — ghosts ; 
 
 — Major Hunt — good story — ferriage ninepence; 
 
 — city of Harsimus — built on the spot where the 
 folk once danced on their stumps, while the devil 
 fiddled — quere, why do the Harsimites talk Dutch ? 
 
 — story of the Tower of Babel, and confusion of 
 tongues — get into the stage — driver a wag — 
 famous fellow for running stage races — killed 
 three passengers and crippled nine in the course 
 of his practice — pliilosophical reasons why stage- 
 drivers love grog — causeway — ditch on each 
 side for folk to tumble into — famous place for 
 skilly-pots ; Philadelphians call 'em tarapins — 
 roast them under the ashes as we do potatoes — 
 quere, may not this be the reason that the Phil- 
 adelphians are all turtle-heads ? — Hackensack 
 bridge — good painting of a blue liorse jumping 
 over a mountain — wonder who it was painted 
 by ; — mem. to ask the Baron de Grusto about 
 it on my return ; — Rattlesnake Hill, so called 
 from abounding with butterflies ; — salt marsh, 
 surmounted here and there by a solitary hay-stack 
 
 — more tarapins — wonder why the Philadel- 
 phians don't establish a fishery here, and get a 
 patent for it — bridge over the Passaic — rate of 
 toll — description of toll-boards — tollman had 
 but one eye — story how it is possible he may 
 have lost the other — pence-table, etc.-^ 
 
 1 Vide Carr. 
 
DE OMNIBUS REBUS. 77 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Newark — noted for its fiue breed of fat mos- 
 quitoes — sting through the thickest boots ^ — 
 story about GalJy nippers — Archy GifFord and 
 his man Caliban — jolly fat fellows — a know- 
 ing traveller always judges of everything by the 
 innkeepers and waiters- — set down Newark 
 people all fat as butter — learned dissertation on 
 Archy Gilford's green coat, with philosophical 
 reasons why the Newarkites wear red worsted 
 nightcaps, and turn their noses to the south when 
 the wind blows — Newark academy full of win- 
 dows — sunshine excellent to make little boys 
 grow — Elizabethtown — fine girls — vile mos- 
 quitoes — plenty of oysters — quere, have oysters 
 any feeling ? — good story about the fox catching 
 them by his tail — ergo, foxes might be of great 
 use in the pearl fishery — landlord member of 
 
 1 Firfe Weld. " General Washington," says AVeld, "told 
 me that he never was so much annoyed by mosquitoes in any 
 part of America, as in Skenesborough, for that they used to 
 bite through the thickest boot." 
 
 2 Vide Carr ; vide Moore ; vide Weld ; vide Parkinson ; 
 vide Priest. Richard Parkinson, late of Orange Hill, near 
 Baltimore, published in London, 1805, his tour in America, 
 in 1798-1800, exhibiting sketches of Society and Manners, 
 and a particular account of the American system of agricul- 
 ture, etc. William Priest, who signs himself on the title-page 
 of his book, "Musician, late of the theatres Philadelphia, 
 Baltimore, and Boston," travelled in the United States be- 
 tween the years 1793 and 1797, and published his journals in 
 London, in a thin octavo in 1802. Vide Linkum Fidelias, 
 and vide Messrs. Tag, Rag, and Bobtail. 
 
78 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 the legislature — treats everybody who has a vote 
 — mem. all the innkeepers members of the leg 
 islature in New Jersey ; Bridge-town, vulgarly 
 called Spank-town^ from a story of quondam par- 
 son and his wife — real name, accordinor to 
 Linkum Fidelius, Bridge-town, from bridge, a 
 contrivance to get dry shod over a river or brook ; 
 and town^ an appellation given in America to the 
 accidental assemblage of a church, a tavern, and 
 a blacksmith's shop — Linkum as right as my 
 left leg ; — Rahway River — good place for gun- 
 boats — wonder why Mr. Jefferson don't send a 
 river fleet here, to protect the hay vessels? — 
 Woodbridge — landlady mending her husband's 
 breeches — sublime apostrophe to conjugal affec- 
 tion and the fair sex ; ^ — Woodbridge famous for 
 its crab-fishery — sentimental correspondence be- 
 tween a c rab and a lobster — digression to Abe- 
 lard and Eloisa ; — mem. when the moon is in 
 Pisces, she plays the devil with the crabs. 
 
 CHAPTER Til. 
 
 Brunswick — oldest town in the State — divis- 
 ion line between two counties in the middle of 
 the street; — posed a lawyer witli the case of a 
 man standing with one foot in each county — 
 wanted to know in which he was domicil — law- 
 yer couldn't tell for the soul of him ; — mem. all 
 the New Jersey lawyers nums ; — Miss Hay's 
 boarding-school — young ladies not allowed to 
 eat mustard — and why ? — fat story of a mus- 
 tard-pot, with a good saying of Ding-Dong's; — 
 1 Vide, the Sentimental Kotzebue. 
 
ET QV IB USD AM ALUS. 79 
 
 Vernon's tavern — fine place to sleep, if the 
 noise would let you — another Caliban! — Ver- 
 non slew-Qyddi — people of Brunswick, of course, 
 all squint ; — Drake's tavern — fine old blade — 
 wears square buckles in his shoes — tells bloody 
 long stories about last war — people, of course, 
 all do the same ; — Hook'em Snivy, the famous 
 fortune-teller, born here — contemporary with 
 Mother Shoulders — particulars of his history — 
 died one day — lines to his memory, which found 
 their way into my pocket-hook ; ^ — melancholy re- 
 flections on the death of great men — beautiful 
 epitaph on myself. 
 
 CHAPTER rv. 
 
 Princeton — college — professors wear boots ! 
 — students famous for their love of a jest — set 
 the college on fire, and burned out the professors ; 
 an excellent joke, but not worth repeating — 
 mem. American students very much addicted to 
 burning down colleges — reminds me of a good 
 Btory, nothing at all to the purpose — two socie- 
 ties in the college — good notion — encourages 
 emulation, and makes little boys fight ; — students 
 famous for their eating and erudition — saw two 
 at the tavern, who had just got their allowance 
 of spending money — laid it all out in a supper, 
 
 1 Vide, Carr and Blind Bet. Carr, in his travels, meets on 
 the roadside in Wales a stone-blind woman, supporting her- 
 self and infirm mother by the sale of gloves and stockings. 
 The traveller perpetrates some verses on the occasion, which 
 he introduces in this ludicrous fashion: ''Upon her quitting 
 us, the following lines found their way into my pocket-book ! " 
 
80 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 got fuddled, and d — d the professors for nincoms. 
 N. B. Southern gentlemen — church-yard — apos- 
 trophe to grim death — saw a cow feeding on a 
 grave — metempsychosis — who knows but the 
 cow may have been eating up the soul of one of 
 my ancestors — made me melancholy and pensive 
 for fifteen minutes ; — man planting cabbages ^ — 
 wondered how he could plant them so straight — 
 method of mole-catching — and all that — quere, 
 whether it would not be a good notion to ring 
 their noses as we do pigs' — mem. to propose it 
 to the American Agricultural Society — get a 
 premium, perhaps — commencement — students 
 give a ball and supper — company from New 
 Yoik, Philadelphia, and Albany — great contest 
 which spoke the best English — Albanians vocif- 
 erous in their demand for sturgeon — Philadel- 
 phians gave the preference to raccoon ^ and splac- 
 nuncs^ — gave them a long dissertation on the 
 phlegmatic nature of a goose's gizzard — students 
 can't dance — always set off with the wrong foot 
 foremost — Duport's opinion on that subject — 
 Sir Christopher Hatton the first man who ever 
 turned out his toes in dancing — favorite with 
 Queen Bess on that account — Sir Walter 
 Raleigh — good story about his smoking — his 
 
 1 Vide Carr. 
 
 2 Vide Priest. " At two," says Priest, " the Philadelphians 
 dine on what is usual in England, both a variety of American 
 dishes, such as bear, opossum, raccoon, etc. ! " 
 
 2 Gulliver is announced by the town crier in Brobdignag 
 as " a strange creature to be seen at the sign of the Green 
 Eagle, not so big as a splacnuck, an animal in that country 
 very finely shaped, about six feet long." 
 
FURTHER ADVENTURES. 81 
 
 descent into New Spain — El Dorado — Candide 
 
 — Dr. Pan gloss — Miss Cunegunde — earthquake 
 at Lisbon — Baron of Thundertentronck ^ — 
 Jesuits — Monks — Cardinal Woolsey — Pope 
 Joan — Tom Jefferson — Tom Paine, and Tom 
 
 the whew ! N. B. Students got drunk as 
 
 usual. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Left Princeton — country finely diversified 
 with sheep and hay-stacks ^ — saw a man riding 
 alone in a wappn ! why the deuce didn't the 
 blockhead ride in a chair ? fellow must be a fool 
 
 — particular account of the construction of 
 wagons, carts, wheelbarrows, and quail-traps — 
 saw a large flock of crows — concluded there 
 must be a dead horse in the neighborhood — 
 mem. country remarkable for crows — won't let 
 the horses die in peace — anecdote of a jury of 
 crows — stopped to give the horses water — good- 
 looking man came up and asked me if I had 
 seen his wife ? heavens ! thought I, how strange 
 it is that this virtuous man should ask me about 
 his wife — story of Cain and Abel — stage-driver 
 took a swig — mem. set down all the people as 
 drunkards — old house had moss on the top — 
 swallows built in the roof — better place than 
 old men's beards — story about that — derivation 
 of words kippy, hippy ^ hippy, and shoo-pig ^ — 
 
 1 Jeremy Cockloft appears, in this enumeration, to have 
 come from a recent perusal of Voltaire's Candide. 
 
 2 Vide Carr. 
 
 8 Vide Carr's learned derivation of gee and whoa. 
 6 
 
82 SALMAGUNDI 
 
 negro drlvt^r could not write his own name — 
 languishing state of literature in this country;-^ 
 philosophical inquiry of 'Sbidlikens, why the 
 Americans are so much inferior to the nobility 
 of Cheapside and Shoreditch, and why they do 
 not eat plum-pudding on Sundays — superfine 
 reflections about anything. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Trenton — built above the head of navigation 
 to encourage commerce — capital of the State — 
 only wants a castle, a bay, a mountain, a sea, and 
 a volcano, to bear a strong resemblance to the 
 Bay of Naples^ — supreme court sitting — fat 
 chief justice — used to get asleep on the bench 
 after dinner — gave judgment, I suppose, like 
 Pilate's wife, from his dreams — reminded me of 
 Justice Bridlegoose deciding by a throw of a die, 
 
 1 Moore: — 
 
 *' Is this the region then, is this the clime 
 For soaring fancies? for those dreams sublime, 
 Which all their miracles of light reveal 
 To heads that meditate and hearts that feel? 
 Alas! not so — the Muse of nature lights 
 Her glories round; she scales the mountain heights, 
 And roams the forests; every wondrous spot 
 Burns with her step, yet man regards it not. 
 She whispers round, her Avords are in the air, 
 But lost, unheard, they linger freezing there, 
 Without one breath of soul, divinely strong, 
 One ray of mind, to thaw them into song." 
 
 — Epiitle to the Eon. W. R. Spencer, from Buffalo, upon Lake 
 
 Erie. 
 
 2 Can. 
 
OF STURGEONS. 83 
 
 and of the oracle of the holy bottle ^ — attempted 
 to kiss the chambermaid — boxed my ears till 
 they rung like our theatre-bell — girl had lost 
 one tooth — mem. all the American ladies prudes, 
 and have bad teeth ; Anacreon Moore's opinion 
 on the matter. State-house — fine place to see 
 the sturgeons jump up — query, whether stur- 
 geons jump up by an impulse of the tail, or 
 whether they bounce up from the bottom by the 
 elasticity of their noses ? Linkum Fidelius of 
 the latter opinion — I too — sturgeon's nose capi- 
 tal for tennis-balls — learnt that at school — went 
 to a ball — negro wench principal musician! 
 N. B. People of America have no fiddlers but 
 females ! — origin of the phrase, " fiddle of your 
 heart" — reasons why men fiddle better than 
 women ; expedient of the Amazons, who were 
 expert at the bow; waiter at the city tavern — 
 good story of iiis — nothing to the purpose — 
 never mind — fill up my book like Carr — make 
 it sell. Saw a democrat s'et into a stage followed 
 by his dog.^ N. B. This town remarkable for 
 dogs and democrats — superfine sentiment^ — 
 good story from Joe Miller — ode to a piggin of 
 butter — pensive meditations on a mouse-hole — 
 make a book as clear as a whistle ! 
 
 1 Rabelais' Judge Bridlegoose and famous Oracle. There 
 was a slight difficulty in the Judge's method of decision, 
 " he was become old, and his sight of late was very much 
 failed, and become dimmer than it was wont to be; by reason 
 of which infirmity he was not able so distinctly and clearly 
 to discern the points of the dice, as formerly he had been ac- 
 customed to do." 
 
 2 Moore. s Carr. 
 
84 SALMAGUXDI. 
 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIE. 
 
 I HAVE observed a particular intimacy fiwr 
 these few days past between that dry wag, 
 Will Wizard, and my cousin Pindar. The latter 
 has taken his winter quarters at old Cockloft's, 
 in the comer room opposite mine, in order to be 
 at hand and overlook the town. They hardly 
 gave themselves time, on Sunday last, to wait 
 for the family toast of " our absent friends," be- 
 fore ihey adjourned to Pindar's chamber. In the 
 course of an hour my cousin's enormous manda- 
 rin inkstand was sent down to be replemshed. 
 I be^ran to be seriously alarmed, for I thought 
 if they had exhausted its contents without ex- 
 hausting their subject, there was no knowing 
 where it would end- 
 On returning to tea, my cousin Pindar was 
 observed to rub his hands, a sure sign that some- 
 thing tickled his fancy ; he. however, maintained 
 as mysterious a couurenance as a Seventh Ward 
 politician. As to Will Wizard, he took longer 
 strides than usuaL his inflexible phiz had an un- 
 commonly knowing air, and a sagacious wink 
 occasionally betrayed that he had more in his 
 head than he chose to communicate. The whole 
 family (who in truth are much given to wonder 
 at everything) were sadly puzzled to conjecture 
 what iheir two precious noddles had been bother- 
 ing about. 
 
 In the evening, after I had retreated to my 
 citadel, the elbow-chair, I was surprised by the 
 abrupt entrance of these two worthies. My 
 
A ROD AV PICKLE. 
 
 cousin opened the budget at once : he dedared 
 that it was as necessary for a modem poet to 
 have an assistant, as for Don Qnixote to have a 
 Sancho — that it was the fa=-hion for poets, now- 
 adays, to write so ineffitblv obscure, that every 
 line required a page of notes to explain its 
 meaning:, and render its " darkness visible " — 
 that a modem poem could no idcm« succeed with- 
 out notes, than a paper kite could fly without a 
 tail. In a word, Pegasus had become a most 
 mulish animal, and would not budge a foot, 
 unless he lumbered along a cart-load of quota- 
 tions and explanations, and illustrations at his 
 heels : he had therefore prevailed on Will Wiz- 
 ard to assist him occasionally as annotator and 
 illustrator. As a specimen of their united labors, 
 he handed roe the following complimentary ode 
 to that king of the buzzanJs. Dr. Christopher 
 Costive, informing me that he had plenty more 
 on hand whenever occasion required it. I had 
 been rather surprised lately at the Doctors med- 
 dling with us, as he was sure of gaining more 
 kicks than coppers in return ; but I am told an 
 ass loves to have his muzzle scratched with net- 
 tles. On expressing my surprise. Will informed 
 me that it was all a sham battle : that he was 
 very intimate with the Doctor, and could relate 
 a thousand diverting anecdotes concemintr him ; 
 and that the Doctor, findin;? we were in want of 
 a butt, had generously volunteered himself as our 
 target. I wish him joy of his bargain. 
 
 In the tbllowing poem it will be observed that, 
 while my cousin Pindar tunes his pif-e on the 
 
1^06 
 
 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 top of the page, Will Wizard worries away at 
 his thorough bass below. The notes of a mod- 
 ern poem being like the sound of a French horn, 
 bassoon, kettle-drum, and bass-viol, in our or- 
 chestra, which make such a confounded racket, 
 that they entirely drown the song ; and no man, 
 who has not the sublime ear of a connoisseur, 
 can tell what the devil they're playing. 
 
 FLUMMERY. 
 
 FROM THE MILL.1 OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 
 
 Being a Poem with Notes, or rather Notes with a Poem; ^ in 
 the manner of 
 
 DOCTORS CHRISTOPHER COSTIVE. 
 
 " Prick me Bull calf till he roars." * 
 
 Falslaff. 
 
 rilHE greatest ^ poet of our day, 
 JL From State of Maine to Louisiana ; ^ 
 The hero who did 'sist upon't, 
 He wou'dn't be deputy to Mr. Hunt ;' 
 Who rear'd a gallows for each elf, and 
 Did for hangman his own self stand. ^ 
 And made folks think it very odd, he 
 Should turn Ja.ck Ketch to everybody, 
 The modern mounter of Pegasus, 
 The clumsj'^ jolter of Jackasses,^ 
 
FLUMMERY. 87 
 
 Who, now the poet's dray horse starts on, 
 
 Anon, the gibbet hurdle carts on, 
 
 Now o'er a poem dozes happy, 
 
 And next expertly draws the cap ; he 
 
 Who cares not though the world should know it 
 
 That he 's half hangman, half a poet.^^ 
 
 Who gibbeted the knaves so knowing. 
 
 That kept Democracy a-going, 
 
 Hung his Jac-similp, famed Toney ^^ 
 
 Pasquin, the friend of Mr. Hon^. 
 
 Who drags like snail his filthy slime 
 
 Through many a ragged, hobbling rhyme, 
 
 Then calls his billingsgate — sarcastic ! 
 
 His drabbling doggrel — Hudibrastic ! 
 
 [|Good lack, my friends, 'twould make you soon-^ 
 
 laugh, 
 To see this jolter-headed moon-calf, 
 From Hudibras his honors steal 
 And break Sam Butler on the wheel.] ^^ 
 With other things that I might tell ye on 
 Performed by this rump-fed hellion ^* 
 — But not o'er long to dwell upon't. 
 This man as big as an elephant,^^ 
 This sweetest witlinor of the asfe, ^^ 
 This hero^ hangman, critic, sage,^^ 
 This poet of five hundred pound ^^ 
 Has come to grace our hapless town. 
 And when he entered, every goose 
 Began to cackle like the deuce ; 
 The asses brayed to one another — 
 Twas plain — the creatures smelt a brother. 
 
88 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 NOTES, BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 
 
 1 Mill.'] As we are not a little anxious to cultivate the in- 
 timacy so happily commenced between the Doctor and our- 
 selves, we feel bound in candor to confess the charge made 
 against us, of having borrowed from him some of the phrases 
 and ideas of our last number; and we justify ourselves by 
 attributing it to our high regard for his talents: for what can 
 be a greater proof of friendship, nowadays, than borrowing? 
 If we were his enemies, we might justify it by the old maxim 
 of " foiling the devil with his own weapons." As to the 
 "mill," Avhich the Doctor so vociferously claims, honest Pin- 
 dar acknowledges that he borrowed the idea from the Doc- 
 tor's writings in general, for he never dipped in them without 
 thinking of our nocturnal music-grinder, who continually 
 grinds over and over the same sleepy tune of, " 0, hard is 
 my fate." 
 
 2 Notes with a Poem.l Whatever merit may appear in this 
 Poem, my friend Cockloft must own that it is entirely owing 
 to his close adherence to his big prototype. Dr. Caustic. The 
 rhymes are generally harrowed from the Doctor's own works, 
 possessing all that quaintness, cuteness, and clumsiness, for 
 which he is remarkable. As the lesser thing should always 
 depend upon the greater, we have rather inverted the usual 
 title of such works, and made the poem minor. We recom- 
 mend the Doctor's mode of comjiiling a book to all the nums 
 of the day — as an example, we instance his " Terrible Trac- 
 toration," of Avhich, as feAV buy, and still fewer read it (a 
 proof that the town are not quite such fools as the Doctor 
 would make them), we shall say little. The book was 
 smothered in notes, like a goose in onions — some ill-natured 
 cynics have asserted that what little whim the work contained 
 lay entirely in the notes, which we are sorry to say were not 
 written by the Doctor; his poem might therefore be said to 
 resemble the ley of a stool, dressed up with savory sauce ; or, 
 as the Doctor will understand it better, that famous dish 
 called pumph'ii-pie, where, though the pumpkin gives the 
 name to the dish, yet the great skill of the ook is to hide the 
 twan^ of it as much as possible with spice and saynr. 
 
FLUMMERY. 89 
 
 3 Doctor.'] The Doctor, we are told, was not bred a physi- 
 cian; nor was he indebted for his appellation to a gratuitous 
 donation from any university, as Doctor of Laws — he was 
 humorously so dubbed by his neighbors in Vermont, on ac- 
 count of having once benevolently physicked a sick horse — 
 his works bear testimony to his drenching abilities; and we 
 may justly apply to him an unlucky epigram, written on a 
 brother quack in physic and poetry : — 
 
 " For physic aud farces 
 His equal tliere scarce is — 
 \\\f>.fnrcps are physic — 
 His physic & farce is." 
 
 4 Prick Bull calf^ e^c] We had not the least expectation 
 that our notice of Doctor Costive, in the last number, would 
 have put him into such an indecent passion. Bless us, how 
 he has roared ! and like FalstafF not only roared but " ran and 
 roared " — 
 
 " unpack'dhis heart with words, 
 
 And fell a cursing — like a very drab ! 
 A scullioa I " 
 
 He has given us a most woful scolding through some eight 
 or nine columns, and plainly proved that our work was not 
 worth a fig, because " Salmagundi " had been heretofore given 
 as a title to another work — Launcelot Langstaff was evi- 
 dently copied from Isaac BickerstafF, becMuse they both ended 
 with staff — " Whimwhams " was the same as " Flim- 
 flams" — " Will Wizard " was taken from — the Lord knows 
 where; Wintry was accidentally misspelled or misprinted 
 Wintery, and " Weakly " Avas borrowed frpm his own Weakly 
 productions. 0, Midas, Midas, how thine ears do loom 
 through the fog of thy writings. When a man of the Doctor's 
 gumption can write nine columns against our woi'k, and dis- 
 cover no greater faults, we may well be vain — were we to 
 criticise our own writings, they would stand a much poorer 
 chance. Tn spite of the Doctor's crustiness we still love him 
 in our hearts — he mav scold like an old woman but we know 
 
90 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 it all arises from that excessive irritability common to all men 
 who have "written a book," and particularly a book of dog- 
 gerel rhymes. We again assure him of our perfect good-will 
 toward himself and his most amiable offspring, that delec- 
 table pair of twin brothers, Terrible Tracloration and Dcr 
 mocracy Unveiled. May the whole world in general, and pos- 
 terity in particular, know the proper distinction between 
 Hudibrastic and Doggerel, and acquit the Doctor from the 
 imputation meanly leveled against him by sundry nincoms 
 of imitating Hudibras. We ai-e sorry that he should ever 
 have been thought capable of descending to be a copjist, and 
 we challenge the whole world to deny that the Doctor's verse 
 is doggerel, genuine, broken-winded, rickety doggerel, what- 
 ever his enemies may insist to the contrary. The Doctor's 
 waggery, however, like that of many other double-headed 
 wits, seems often to have been taken by the wrong end. On 
 the first appearance of his Terrible Tracioradon, the critics 
 were absolutely'' at a loss, such was the delicacy of his wit, to 
 say Avhether he was the champion or opponent of Perkinism. 
 Thus the Critical Review for 1803 : " His real object cannot 
 always be ascertained — we think him, however, the friend of 
 the Tractors " Either the Doctor or the critic must have 
 heen a dunderhead — we charitably suppose the critic. The 
 Doctor afterward, like " John-a-Gudgeon " in the Pleader's 
 Guide, explained, and his explanation proved so perfectly 
 satisfactory that there were very few of the reviewers but 
 could tell, or at least guess at his object. The fact was, the 
 Doctor, good inoffensive soul, did not mean to attack anything 
 — except common sense. We recommend this work as a 
 soporific specimen of the Doctor's skill in balderdash. 
 
 5 Greatest poet.] Great Is sometimes a positive, sometimes 
 a figurativ^e term — as we say a, great man, a. great mountain 
 or when speaking of the Doctor, great man mountain — hav- 
 ing no allusion here to the mountain which brought forth a 
 mouse. When, however, we speak of the Doctor as a great 
 nan or great poet, we mean to be understood that he is some 
 8ix teet six inches high — three feet across the shoulders, nine 
 round the paunch — that he weighs about half a ton, and is 
 withal most clumsily hung together. 
 
FLUMMERY. 91 
 
 • Louisiana.'] Though we plume ourselves on adhering 
 closely to the Doctor's rhymes, yet we have taken the liberty 
 of differing a little in the pronunciation of this word — the 
 Doctor gives it in the true eastern dialect, Lousy-anee — but 
 to give it a la Costive — 
 
 *' Which late, 'tis said, in weather rainy, 
 Was melted in Louisiana." 
 
 Again: for when the Doctor gets hold of a good rhyme, ho 
 is a " woundy " toad for harping on it. 
 
 *' But please his highness ship, I won't 
 Be deputy to Mr. Hunt : 
 No — were it offered 'twould be vain, he 
 Won't catch me in Louisiana (or Lousy-anee "). 
 
 These two latter lines are truly as musical as marrowbones 
 and cleavers, and remind us of that sweet couplet, by the 
 Doctor's rival, the inimitable Searson 
 
 " From this seat I pass'd to Alexandria, 
 And am pleased through rural scenes to wander." 
 
 Sear. Mount Ver. 
 
 If our reader wishes for more specimens of the Doctor's 
 knack at rhyming, we'll give him the oft-repeated tags of 
 " rogues and demagogues," " brewing and ruin," " wilder- 
 ing and children," '' women and common," " trimming and 
 women," " well-knows and fellows," " comparison and har- 
 ass'd-em; " together with an occasional mixture of those attic 
 eastern jingles of " dandy and handy " and " sugar candy.' 
 The Doctor and Sear.son's poetic contest is similar to one 
 that whilom took place between two honest tars (we beg the 
 gentle Joe Miller's pardon for bovrowing an anecdote); one 
 gave as jyvize couplet : — 
 
 " As she slips she slides along, 
 A faithful friend is hard to fina!^ 
 
 but the other rhymester beat him all hollow by singing out 
 
 '* My quart pot holds a gallon, 
 By zounds." 
 
92 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 ' Deputy to Mr. Hunt.] Mr. Hunt was a little man and a 
 young man ; the Doctor, although of the same age, feeling 
 the immensity of his qualifications, refuses to second such a 
 governor, urging his size, and like Billy Bugby, alleging 
 that what he wanted in years he made up in bulk ; and if he 
 lacked in brains, he atoned for all in garbage. 
 
 8 Did for hangman, etc.] How the Doctor ever came to 
 stumble on this unhappy idea, we are at a loss to imagine — 
 it is an odd " whimwham " tor a fellow to dub himself with 
 the humorous epithet of hangman. " We would not have his 
 enemies say so." Wliether the Doctor has a hanging look or 
 no, we leave others to determine. AYe are certain he is in no 
 danger of the gallows himself ; but we warn him to take care 
 how he visits Connecticut — he may chance to be burnt for a 
 witch. We give the Doctors own claim to his Tyburn title. 
 
 " Now since ye are a ruffian crew, 
 As honest Jack Ketch ever knew ; 
 No threats nor growling shall prohibit 
 My hanging you on satire's gibbet." Vide CostiTe. 
 
 9 This clumsy jolter of jackasses.] As this line partakes of 
 the true Costive obscurity, we beg leave to explain. There is 
 no intention of calling the Doctor a jackal's, we only mean 
 that he makes an ass of Pegasus, and even when on poor 
 Pegasus (so degraded) he is but a miserable rider. His 
 trotting, pacing, nigglety-nagglety lines, put us often in 
 mind of that pious but quaint expression about the " devil 
 riding rough shod over a soul." 
 
 10 Half a poet.] 0, tie! fi-iend Cockloft, this savors of 
 sheer envy. Were there any doubts of the Doctor's being a 
 whole poet — aye, and a big poet, the following verse would 
 set them at rest. It shows that he is a complete jockey on 
 Pegasus; and when the poor nag won't pace, he'll cudgel 
 him as soundly as he does his own brains: — 
 
 " Yes, we were 'raptm^ed when he said 
 We're all republican, all fed- 
 Ral fellow-citizens, Americans, 
 And hoped wed done with faction's hurricanes ! " — Costive. 
 
FL UMMER T. 93 
 
 Is this poetic frenzy (alias idiotism), t*r is it turgid stu- 
 pidity ? Truly it is as smooth as a pine-log causeway ; it con- 
 tirms the Doctor's right to his sir-name, and can only be 
 matched by a stave fiom the Doctor's contemporaiy bard and 
 rival rhymester, Searson — videlicet : — 
 
 " From house to house soon took my departure, 
 And to the garden look'd for sweet nature. 
 The fishing very great at Mount Ternon, 
 When there with other scenes I look'd upon. 
 This pleasing sevt hath its prospects so high, 
 That one would think "twas for astronomy, 
 ' Twould answer for an observatory. " 
 
 The reader will perceive the similarity in taste, style, and 
 ear of these rival poets. I have their works bound up to- 
 gether, and Minshull's into the bargain. It shall go hard but 
 they shall all descend the gutter of immortality together. 
 
 11 His facsimile, famed Toney.'] The Doctor's abusing poor 
 Toney Pasquin, brought forcibly to our recollection the vulgar 
 cant saying about the pot and the kettle. Perhaps no two of 
 the great poets of the day are more alike, in most particulars, 
 than Doctor Costive and honest Toney. The Doctor is a true 
 poetic bhickguard — and so is Toney. The Doctor is an 
 adept in the Billingsgate vocabulary — so is Toney. The 
 Doctor has bespattered many a poor devil who never offended 
 him — so has Toney. The Doctor has ^Titten a book — so 
 has Toney. It may be said of each of them — 
 
 " We will not rake the dunghill for his crimes, 
 Who knows the man will never read his rhymes." 
 
 The only particular in which they disagree is, that Toney 
 has occasionalh' been convicted of saying a good thing — the 
 gentle stupidity of the Doctor being entirely innocent of any- 
 thing of the kind. 
 
 " Oh, here's another pumpion, the cramm'd son of a starved 
 usurer, Cacafogo. Both their brains buttered cannot make 
 two spoonsful." — Rule a Wife. 
 
 12 Soan.] This word is entirely unnecessary'- to the sense, 
 and is dragged in for no other purpose whatever but to eke 
 
94 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 out the line, iu humble imitation of a dull, but honest expe- 
 dient, frequently made use of by the illustrious Searson. and 
 his great rival, Doctor Costive. 
 
 13 And break, etcJ\ It has for some time been a trick with 
 many a sleepy scribbler, beside the Doctor, though now it has 
 grown rather notorious, to break their crabbed lines with a 
 " list or stick," or a crowbar, and then term their chopped hay 
 Hudibrastic — thus is poetry daily put on the rack; and thus 
 is poor Butler crucified every hour. 
 
 1-* Rump-fed hellion.'] Lest the Doctor should here again ac- 
 cuse us of borrowing — a thing, by the by, we strongly sus- 
 pect him of, as we think we can discover that many of his 
 tnoughts, and certainly some of kis rhymes, are borrowed 
 tiom the immortal Searson and the inimitable Minshull — we 
 acknowledge that we are indebted for this line to Shakespeare. 
 "\Miether the term rump-fed applies to the Doctor or not, we 
 cannot exactly tell ; but if we were not afraid of swelling our 
 notes, we would, following the example of the Doctor in his 
 Democracy Unveiled, give our readers an account of the fa- 
 mous Rump Parliament — and truly 'twould be as much in 
 point as most of the notes in that celebrated work. 
 
 EeUi'jn. '• A deputy scullion employed in regions below ' to 
 cook up the broth.' " — Link. Fid. The Doctor, good man, 
 has employed himself, while on earth, as far as his weakly 
 powers would go, in stewing up manj' a woful kettle of tish. 
 
 " Double, double, toil and trouble, 
 Fire bum, and cauldron bubble." 
 
 Shakespeare must certainly have had the Doctor's weekly 
 mess of bubble and squeak in view, when he wrote the above. 
 15 .4s big as an elephant.'] There is more truth than poetry 
 in this comparison. The following curious anecdote was told 
 me by the Doctor himself, when I breakfasted with him the 
 other morning : The elephant which travelled lately through 
 our country, was shown in New England ; two simple country 
 girls, desirous of seeing what kind of a beast it was, applied 
 for admittance. On entering the room, the Doctor, who was 
 etooping to tie his shoe-string Avith his back toward them. 
 
GENERAL REMARK. 95 
 
 was for a moment taken for the elephant ! They declared it 
 was a clumsy creature — " they could not make head nor tail 
 of it." No wonder, poor things, the critics were as much 
 puzzled themselves, as we have already shown. 
 
 16 Sweetest willing.] A poetic license, the Doctor certainly 
 being none of the sweetest of personages. Many a fair 
 flower, however, springs out of a dunghill — and the Doctor 
 is not the lirst poet who has written a sweet song in " marvel- 
 ous dirty linen." 
 
 1' This hero, hangman, etc.] 
 
 " All hushed in mute attention sit, 
 To hear this critic, poet, wit, 
 Philosopher, all, all at once, 
 And to complete them, all this DUNCE." 
 
 Lloyd. 
 18 /Y»e hundred jjouna.'j i. e. five hundred pounds weight; 
 or in true avoirdupois, 4 cwt. 1 qu. 24 lbs. 
 
 GENERAL RExMARK. 
 
 We have endeavored to copy the Doctor's style 
 and manner as correctly as possible throughout 
 this charming poem ; the rhymes are chiefly 
 " filched *' from his own labors, and jingle as har- 
 moniously as sleigh bells — like him, we have 
 sometimes risen and sometimes descended, with 
 all his leaden profundity. Some poets sip in the 
 Heliconian stream, others dabble in it. The 
 Doctor exceeds them all — he has a true poetic 
 DIVING-BELL — plunges boldly to the bottom, 
 and there drabbles in the mud like a flounder, 
 In the gallows part of his poem, the Doctor may 
 truly be said to rise ; and in our touch on the 
 
96 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 Helicon, we have almost equaled those profound 
 sinkings of his genius, where the Doctor even 
 descends below himself. We conclude with bor- 
 rowing a speech from old Shakespeare — " Give 
 me thy hand," Doctor, " 1 am sorry I beat thee ; 
 but while thou livest, keep a good tongue in thy 
 head." 
 
 NOTICE. 
 
 While in a " state militant," wajrinor war 
 with folly and stupidity, and assailed on all sides 
 by a combination of nincoms and numsculls, we 
 are gratified to find that our careless effusions 
 have received the approbation of men of wit and 
 genius. We have expressed heretofore our con- 
 tempt for the applause of the million, but we 
 confess ourselves ambitious of the praises of the 
 few ; we have read, therefore, with infinite self- 
 congratulation the encomiums passed on our pro- 
 ductions by the learned and liberal editor of the 
 " People's Friend." The attacks of that billings- 
 gate droll. Dr. Costive, and his whole North River 
 fraternity, could not give us greater delight. Wo 
 also publish with pride the following Card from 
 the authors of " The Echo," ^ a work which 
 we have commended to a conspicuous post in 
 our library, and we do hereby shake its au- 
 thors by the hand as a set of right merry wags, 
 choice spirits, and, what we think better than all, 
 genuine humorists. 
 
 1 The famous production of the Hartford wits, Alsop, 
 Dwight, Hopkins, & Co. 
 
EFFUSIONS RECEIVED. 97 
 
 CARD. 
 
 ** The authors of The Echo send a copy of it 
 to the writers of Salmagundi, which they re- 
 quest them to accept, as a mark of the pleasure 
 tliey have received from their Cervantic effu- 
 sions." 
 
 Now we are in the humor of card writing, we 
 would acknowledge the reception of several efi\i- 
 sions in prose and verse, whicli, though they do 
 great credit to the writers, and would doubtless 
 be both pleasing and instructive to the public, 
 yet do not come exactly within the intention of 
 our work ; the authors, therefore, will excuse 
 our not publishing them. 
 
 We have likewise received a note written in 
 a French hand, but in villainous bad English. 
 Will Wizard has been at much pains to decipher 
 it, but in vain ; it is as unintelligible as a Her- 
 culanenn manuscript. He has discovered, how- 
 ever, that it is a vindication of dancing, together 
 with a long eulogy on the pas de chat 
 
 As a considerable part of this paper is taken 
 up with a stupid subject, namely ; the Doctor, and 
 we do not wish that our readers should pay for 
 *' flummery " merely, we have directed our pub- 
 lisher to give them eight pages extra ; this will 
 account for the unusual size of the present num- 
 ber. We confess we horroioed this idea, among 
 many others, fi-om the Doctor, who lately finding 
 7 
 
98 
 
 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 that his readers were dissatisfied with the contents 
 of his " weekly " paper, endeavored to put them 
 in good humor by doubling the hulk ; this he 
 waggishly enough terms doubling the dose — (X 
 the droll dog ! 
 
NO. V. — SATURDAY, MARCH 7, 1807. 
 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 
 
 TIE following letter from my friend 
 Mustapha appears to have been written 
 ^Syjl some time subsequent to the one already 
 published. Were I to judge from its contents, 
 1 should suppose it was suggested by the splendid 
 review of the twenty-fifth of last November, when 
 a pair of colors wei-e presented at the City Hall, 
 to the regiments of artillery ; and when a huge 
 dinner was devoured by our corporation, in the 
 honorable remembrance of the evacuation of this 
 city. I am happy to find that the laudable spirit 
 of military emulation which prevails in our city 
 has attracted the attention of a stranger of Mus- 
 tapha's sagacity ; by militai'v emulation I mean 
 that spirited rivalry in tiie size of a hat, the 
 length of a feather, and the gingerbread finery 
 of a sword-belt. 
 
 J.ETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI 
 KHAN, TO ABDALLAH EB'N AL RAHAB, SUR- 
 NAMED THE SNORER, MHJTARY SENTINEL AT 
 THE GATE OF HIS HIGHNESS' PALACE. 
 
 inOU hast heard, O Abdallah, of the great 
 magician Muley Fuz, who could change 
 a blooming land blessed with all the elysian 
 
 rr\\ 
 
100 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 charms of hill and dale, of glade and grove, of 
 fruit and flower, into a desert, frightful, solitary, 
 and forloi-n ; who, with the wave of his wand 
 could transform even the disciples of Mahomet 
 into gi-inning apes and chattering monkeys. 
 Surely, thought I to myself this morning, the 
 dreadful Muley has been exercising his infernal 
 enchantments on these unhappy infidels. Listen, 
 O Abdallah, and wonder ! Last night I com- 
 mitted myself to tranquil slumber, encompassed 
 with all the monotonous tokens of peace, and 
 this morning 1 awoke enveloped in the noise, 
 the bustle, the clangor, and the shouts of war. 
 Everything was changed, as if by magic. An 
 immense army had sprung up, like mushrooms, 
 in a night, and all the cobblers, tailors, and tin- 
 kers of the city had mounted the nodding plume ; 
 had become, in the twinkling of an eye, helmeted 
 heroes and war-worn veterans. 
 
 Alarmed at the beating of drums, the braying 
 of trumpets, and the shouting of the multitude, I 
 dressed myself in haste, sallied forth, and followed 
 a prodigious crowd of people to a place called the 
 Battery. This is so denominated, I am told, 
 from having once been defended with formidable 
 wooden bulwarks, which in the course of a hard 
 winter were thriftily pulled to pieces by an eco- 
 nomic corporation, to be distributed for fii-e-wood 
 among the poor; this was done at the liint of a 
 cunning^ old enjrineer, who assured tlieni it was the 
 only way in which their fortifications would ever 
 be able to keep up a warm fire Economy, my 
 friend, is the watch-word of this nation ; I have 
 
APPEARANCE OF THE ARMY 101 
 
 been studying for a month past to divine its 
 meaning, but truly am as much perplexed as ever. 
 It is a kind of national starvation ; an experiment 
 how many comforts and necessaries the body pol- 
 itic can be deprived of before it perishes. It has 
 already arrived to a lamentable degree of debility, 
 and promises to share the fate of the Arabian 
 philosopher, wlio proved that he could live with- 
 out food, but unfortunately died just as he had 
 brought his experiment to perfection. 
 
 On arriving at the Battery, I found an im- 
 mense army of six hundred men, drawn up in a 
 true Mussulman crescent. At first I supposed this 
 was in compliment to myself, but my interpreter 
 informed me that it was done merely fot^:j'Want 
 of room — the corporation not being able to afford 
 them sufficient to display in a straight line. 
 As I expected a display of some grand evolutions 
 and military maneuvers, I determined to remain 
 a tranquil spectator, in hopes that I might possi- 
 bly collect some hints which might be of service 
 to His Highness. 
 
 This great body of men, I perceived, was under 
 the command of a small bashaw, in yellow and 
 gold, with white nodding plumes, and most for- 
 midable whiskers; which, contrary to the Tripol- 
 itan fashion, were in the neighborhood of his 
 ears instead of his nose. He had two attendants 
 called aid-de-camps (or tails), being similar to a 
 bashaw with two tails. The bashaw, though 
 commander-in-chief, seemed to have little more to 
 do than myself; he was a spectator within the 
 lines, and 1 without : he was clear of the rabble, 
 
102 Salmagundi. 
 
 and I was encompassed by then* ; this was the 
 only difference between us, except that he had the 
 best opportunity of showing his clothes. I waited 
 an hour or two with exemplary patience, expect- 
 ing to see some grand military evolutions or a sham 
 battle exhibited'; but no such thing took place; 
 the men stood stock still, supporting their arms, 
 groaning under the fatigues of war, and now and 
 then sending out a foraging party to levy contri- 
 butions of beer and a favorite beverage which 
 they denominated grog. As I perceived the 
 crowd very active in examining the line, from one 
 extreme to the other, and as I could see no other 
 purpose for which these sunshine warriors should 
 be exposed so long to the merciless attacks of the 
 wind and weather, I of course concluded that this 
 must be the review. 
 
 In about two hours the army was put in motion, 
 and marched through some narrow streets — there 
 the economic corporation had carefully provided 
 a soft carpet of mud — to a magnificent castle of 
 painted brick, decorated with grand pillars of pine 
 boards. By the ardor which brightened in each 
 countenance, I soon perceived that this castle was 
 to undergo a vigorous attack. As the ordnance 
 of the castle was perfectly silent, and as they had 
 nothing but a straight street to advance through, 
 they made their approaches with great courage 
 and admirable regularity, until within about a 
 hundred feet of the castle a pump opposed a for- 
 midable obstacle in their way, and put the whole 
 army to a nonplus. The circumstance was sud- 
 den and unlooked for : the commanding oflScer 
 
A BRILLIANT CHARGE, 103 
 
 ran over all the military tactics with which his 
 head was crammed, but none offered any expedi- 
 ent for the present awful emergency. The pump 
 maintained its post, and so did the commander ; 
 there was no knowing^ which was most at a stand. 
 The commanding officer ordered his men to wheel 
 and take it in flank ; the army accordingly wheeled 
 and came full butt against it in the rear, exactly 
 as they were before, " Wheel to the left !" cried 
 the officer ; they did so, and again as before the 
 inveterate pump intercepted their progress. 
 "Right about face!" cried the officer; the men 
 obeyed, but bungled — i\\Q,y faced back to back. 
 Upon this the bashaw with two tails, with great 
 coolness, undauntedly ordered his men to push 
 right forward, pell-mell, pump or no pump ; they 
 gallantly obeyed ; after unheard-of acts of bra- 
 very the pump was carried, without the loss of 
 a man, and the army firmly intrenched itself un- 
 der the walls of the castle. The bashaw had 
 then a council of war with his officers ; the most 
 vigorous measures were resolved on. An ad- 
 vanced guard of musicians were ordered to at- 
 tack the castle without mercy. Then the whole 
 band opened a most tremendous battery of drums, 
 fifes, tambourines, and trumpets, and kept up a 
 thundering assault, as if the castle like the walla 
 of Jericho, spoken of in the Jewish Chronicles, 
 would tumble down at the blowing of rams' horns. 
 After some time a parley ensued. The grand 
 bashaw of the city appeared on the battlements 
 of the castle, and as far as I could understand from 
 circumstances, dared the little bashaw of two tails 
 
1U4 SALMAGUXDI. 
 
 to single combat — this thou kuowest was in the 
 style of aucieut chivalry — the little bashaw dis- 
 mouuted with great intrepidity, and ascended the 
 battlements of the castle, where the great bashaw 
 waited to receive him, attended by numerous 
 dignitaries and worthies of his court, one of whom 
 bore the splendid bimners of the castle. The 
 battle was carried on entirely by words, accord- 
 ing to the universal custom of this country, of 
 which I shall speak to thee more fully hereafter. 
 The grand bjishaw made a furious attack in a 
 speech of considerable length ; the little bashaw, 
 by no means appalled, retorted with great spirit. 
 The grand bashaw attempted to rip him up with 
 an argument, or stun him with a solid fact ; but 
 the little bashaw parried them both with admi- 
 rable adroitness, and run him clean through and 
 through with a syllogism. The grand bashaw 
 was overthrown, the bannei-s of the castle yielded 
 up to the little bashaw, and the c<istle surren- 
 dered after a vigorous defense of three hours, dur- 
 ing which the besiegers suffered great extremity 
 from muddy streets and a drizzling atmosphere. 
 
 On returning to dinner I soon discovered that 
 as usual 1 had been indulgincr iu a oreat mistake. 
 The matter Wiis all clearly explained to me by 
 a fellow-lodger, who on ordinary occasions moves 
 in the humble character of a tailor, but in the 
 present instance figured iu a high military station, 
 denominated corporaL He informed me that 
 what I had mistaken for a castle was the splen- 
 did palace of ihe municipality, and that the sup- 
 posed attack was nothing more than the delivery 
 
FEA THERS. I05 
 
 of a flag given by the authorities, to the army, 
 for its magnanimous defense of the town for up- 
 ward of twenty years past, that is, ever since the 
 last war I ray friend, surely everything in 
 this country is on a great scale ! — The con- 
 versation insensibly turned upon the military 
 establishment of the nation ; and I do assure thee 
 that my friend, the tailor, though being, according 
 to a national proverb, but the ninth part of a man, 
 yet acquitted himself on military concerns as ably 
 as the grand bashaw of the empire himself. He 
 observed that their rulers had decided that vrars 
 were very useless and expensive, and ill befitting 
 an economic, philosophic nation ; they had there- 
 fore made up their minds never to have any wars, 
 and consequently there was no need of soldiers or 
 military discipline. As, however, it was thought 
 highly ornamental to a city to have a number of 
 men dressed in fine clothes 'dUil Jeaihers, strutting 
 about the streets on a holiday, — and as the wo- 
 men and childi'en were particularly fond of such 
 raree shoivs, it was ordered that the tailors of the 
 different cities throughout the empire should, forth- 
 with, go to work and cut out and manufacture 
 soldiers as fast as their shears and needles would 
 permit. 
 
 These soldiers have no pecuniary pay ; and 
 tlieir only recompense for the immense services 
 wliich they render their country, in their voluntary 
 parades, is the plunder of smiles, and winks, and 
 nods which they extort from the ladies. As they 
 have no opportunity, like the vagrant Arabs, of 
 making inroads ou their neighbors : and as it is 
 
106 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 necessary to keep up their military spirit, the 
 town is therefore now and then, but particularly 
 on two days of the year, given up to their rav- 
 ages. The arrangements are contrived with ad- 
 mirable address, so that every officer, from the 
 bashaw down to the drum-major, the chief of the 
 eunuchs, or musicians, shall have his share of that 
 invaluable booty, the admiration of the fair. As 
 to the soldiers, poor animals, they, like the pri- 
 vates in all great armies, have to bear the brunt 
 of danger and fatigue, while their officers receive 
 all the glory and reward. The narrative of a 
 parade day will exemplify this more clearly. 
 
 The chief bashaw, in the plenitude of his 
 authority, orders a grand review of the whole 
 army at two o'clock. The bashaw with two tails, 
 that he may have an opportunity of vaporing 
 about, as greatest man on the field, orders the 
 army to assemble at twelve. The kiay, or colonel, 
 as he is called, that is, commander of one hundred 
 and twenty men, orders his regiment or tribe to 
 collect one mile at least from the place of parade 
 at eleven. Each captain, or fag- rag, as we term 
 them, commands his squad to meet at ten at least 
 half a mile from the regimental parade; and to 
 close all, the chief of the eunuchs orders his in- 
 fernal concert of fifes, trumpets, cymbals, and 
 kettle-drums to assemble at ten! — from that 
 moment the city receives no quarter. All is noise, 
 hooting, hubbub, and combustion. Every window, 
 door, crack, and loophole, from the garret to the 
 cellar, is crowded with the fascinating fair of all 
 ages and of all complexions. The mistress smiles 
 
THE HONORS OF WAR. 107 
 
 through the windows of the drawing-room ; the 
 chubby chambermaid lolls out of the attic case- 
 ment, and a host of sooty wenches roll their white 
 eyes and grin and chatter from the cellar door. 
 Every nymph seems anxious to yield voluntarily 
 that tribute which the heroes of their country 
 demand. First struts the chief eunuch, or drum- 
 major, at the head of his sable band, magnificently 
 arrayed in tarnished scarlet. Alexander himself 
 could not have spurned the earth more superbly. 
 A host of ragged boys shout in his train, and in- 
 flate the bosom of the warrior with tenfold self- 
 complacency. After he has rattled his kettle- 
 drums through the town, and swelled and swag- 
 gered like a turkey-cock before all the dingy 
 Floras, and Dianas, and Junos, and Didos of 
 his acquaintance, he repairs to his place of des- 
 tination loaded with a rich booty of smiles and 
 approbation. Next comes the fag RAG, or cap- 
 tain, at the head of his mighty band, consisting 
 of one lieutenant, one ensign, or mute, four ser- 
 geants, four corporals, one drummer, one fifer, 
 and if he has any privates so much the better 
 for himself. In marching to the regimental 
 parade, he is sure to paddle through the street or 
 lane wiiich is honored with the residence of his 
 mistress or intended, whom he resolutely lays 
 under a heavy contribution. Truly it is delect- 
 able to behold these heroes, as they march, cast 
 side glances at the upper windows ; to collect the 
 .'smiles, the nods, and the winks, which tlie enrap- 
 tured fair ones lavish profusely on the magnani- 
 mous defenders of their country. 
 
108 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 The fag-rags having conducted their squads 
 to their respective regiments, then comes the turn 
 of the colonel, a bashaw with no tails, for all 
 eyes are now directed to him ; and the fag-rags, 
 and the eunuchs, and the kettle-drummers, havuig 
 had their hour of notoriety, are confounded and 
 lost in the military crowd. The colonel sets his 
 whole regiment in motion ; and mounted on a 
 mettlesome charger, frisks and fidgets, and capers, 
 and plunges in front, to the great entertainment 
 of the multitude, and the great hazard of him- 
 self and his neighbors. Having displayed him- 
 self, his trappings, his horse, and his horseman- 
 ship, he at length arrives at the place of general 
 rendezvous, blessed with the universal admiration 
 of his country-women, I should perhaps mention 
 a squadron of hardy veterans, most of whom 
 have seen a deal of service during the nineteen 
 or twenty years of their experience, and who, 
 most gorgeously equipped in tight green jackets 
 and breeches, trot and amble, and gallop and 
 scamper like little devils through every street and 
 nook and corner and poke-hole of the city, to the 
 great dread of all old people, and sage matrons 
 with young children. This is truly sublime ! this 
 is what I call making a mountain out of a mole- 
 hill. O, my friend, on what a great scale is 
 everything done in this country. It is in the 
 style of the wandering Arabs of the desert El-tih, 
 Is a village to be attacked, or a hamlet to be 
 plundered, the wliole desert, for weeks beforehand, 
 is in a buzz: such marching and counter-marching, 
 ere they can concentrate their ragged forces ! and 
 
TH?: TUG OF WAR. 109 
 
 the consequence is, that before they can bring 
 their troops into action, the whole enterprise is 
 blown. 
 
 The army being all happily collected on the 
 Battery, though, perhaps, two hours after the 
 time appointed, it is now the turn of the bashaw 
 with two tails to distinguish himself. Ambition, 
 my friend, is implanted alike in every heart, it 
 pervades each bosom, from the bashaw to the 
 drum-major. This is a sage truism, and I trust, 
 therefore, it will not be disputed. The bashaw, 
 fired with that thirst for glory, inseparable from 
 the noble mind, is anxious to reap a full share 
 of the laurels of the day and bear off his portion 
 of female plunder. The drums beat, the fifes 
 whistle, the standards wave proudly in the air. 
 Tlie signal is given! thunder roars the cannon! 
 away goes the bashaw, and away go the tails ! 
 The review finished, evolutions and military 
 maneuvers are generally dispensed with for three 
 excellent reasons : first, because tlie army knows 
 very little about them ; second, because, as the 
 country has determined to remain always at 
 peace, there is no necessity for them to know 
 anything about them ; and third, as it is growing 
 late, the basliaw must dispatch, or it will be too 
 dark for him to get his quota of the plunder. 
 He, of course, orders the whole army to march ; 
 and now, my friend, now comes the tug of war, 
 now is the city completely sacked. Open fly the 
 Battery gates, forth sallies the bashaw with his 
 two tails, surrounded by a shouting body-guard 
 of boys and negroes ! then pour forth his legions. 
 
110 SALMAGUNDL 
 
 potent as the pismires of the desert ! the custom- 
 ary salutations of the country commence — these 
 tokens of joy and admiration which so much an- 
 noyed me on first hiuding ; the air is darkened 
 with old hats, shoes, and dead cats ; they fly in 
 showers like the arrows of the Parthians. The 
 soldiers, no ways disheartened, like the intrepid 
 followers of Leonidas, march gallantly under 
 their shade. On they push, splash, dash, mud or 
 no mud. Down one lane, up another ; the 
 martial music resounds through every street ; 
 the fair ones throng to their windows^ the soldiers 
 look every way but straight forward. " Carry 
 arms ! " cries the bashaw — " tan-ta ra-ra," brays 
 the trumpet — •' rub-a^dub," roars the drum — 
 '' hurraw," shout the ragamuffins. The bashaw 
 smiles with exultation — every fag-rag feels him- 
 self a hero — "none but the brave deserves the 
 fair ! " Head of the immortal Amrou, on what a 
 great scale is everything in this country ! 
 
 Ay, but you'll say, is not this unfair that the 
 officers should share all the sports while the pri- 
 vates undergo all the fatigue ? truly, my friend, I 
 indulged the same idea, and pitied from my heart 
 the poor fellows who had to drabble through the 
 mud and the mire, toiling under ponderous cocked 
 hats, which seemed as unwieldy and cumbrous 
 as the shell which the snail lumbers along on his 
 back. I soon found out, however, that they have 
 their quantum of notoriety. As soon as the army 
 is dismissed, the city swarms with little scouting 
 parties, who fire off their guns at every corner, 
 to the great delight of all the women and chil- 
 
SUMMING UP. Ill 
 
 dreii in their vicinity ; and woe unto any dog, or 
 pig, or hog, tliat falls iu the way of these mag- 
 nanimous warriors ; they are shown no quarter. 
 Every gentle swain repairs to pass the evening at 
 the feet of liis dulcinea, to play, " the soldier 
 tired of war's alarms," and to captivate her with 
 the glare of his regimentals; excepting some am- 
 bitious heroes who strut to the theatre, flame 
 away in the front boxes, and hector every old 
 apple-woman in the lobbies. 
 
 Such, my friend, is the gigantic genius of this 
 nation, and its faculty for swelling up nothings 
 into importance. Our bashaw of Tripoli will re- 
 view his troops of some thousands, by an early 
 hour in the morning. Here a review of six 
 hundred meji is made the mighty work of a day ! 
 with us a bashaw of two tails is never appointed 
 to a command of less than ten thousand men ; 
 but here we behold every grade, from the bashaw 
 down to the drum-major, in a force of less than 
 one-tenth of the number. By the beard of Ma- 
 homet ! but everything here is indeed on a great 
 scale. 
 
 BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 
 
 XWAS not a little surprised the other morning 
 at a request from Will Wizard that I would 
 
 accompany him that evening to Mrs. 's ball. 
 
 The request was simple enough in itself, it was 
 only singulai- as coming from Will ; of all my 
 
112 SALyfAGrXDI. 
 
 acquaintance. Wizard is the least calculated and 
 disponed for the society of ladies — not ihat he 
 dislikes their eompaiiy ; on the contrary, like 
 every man of pith and marrow, he is a professed 
 admirer of ihe sex; and had he been bom a poet, 
 would undoubtedly have bespattered and be 
 rhymed some hard-named goddess, until she be- 
 came a« famous as Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's 
 Sacbarissa : but Will is such a confounded bungler 
 at a bow. has so many odd bachelor habits, and 
 finds it so troublesome to be gallant, that he 
 generally prefers snK»kin2 his dgar and telling 
 bis stories among cronies of his own gender — 
 and thuntiering I0115 stories they are, let me tell 
 yoa ; set Will once a-going about China or Crim 
 Tartary. or the Hottentots, and Heaven help the 
 poor victim who has to endure his prolixity : he 
 might belter be tied to the tail of a jaxi-o'-lantem. 
 In one word — Will talks like a traveller. Being 
 well acquainted with his character, I was the 
 iBore alarmed at his inclinaiion to visit a parly ; 
 since he has often assured me, that he considered 
 it as equivalent to being stuck up for three hoozs 
 in a steam engine. I even wondered how he had 
 received an invitation ; this he soon aoooanted for. 
 It seems WilL on his last arrival from Canton, 
 had made a present of a case of tea to a lady for 
 irhoai be had once entertained a sneaking kind- 
 ness when at sTammar school : and she in return 
 had invited him to come and drink some of it; 
 a cheap way enough of paying off little obligations. 
 I readily acceded to Will's proposition, expecting 
 enteriainment from his eccentric remarks ; 
 
WJLL WIZARD'S EVENING DRESS. 113 
 
 and as he has been absent some few years, I an- 
 ticipated his surprise at the splendor and elegance 
 of a modern rout. 
 
 On calling for Will in the evening, I found 
 him full dressed, waiting for me. I contemplated 
 him with absolute dismay. As he still retained 
 a spark of regard for the lady who once reigned 
 in his affections, he had been at unusual pains in 
 decorating his person, and broke upon my sight 
 arrayed in the true style that prevailed among 
 our beaux some years ago. His hair was turned 
 U23 and tufted at the top, frizzled out at the ears, 
 a profusion of powder puffed over the whole, and 
 a long plaited club swung gracefully from shoulder 
 to shoulder, describing a pleasing semicircle of 
 powder and pomatum. His claret-colored coat 
 was decorated with a profusion of gilt buttons, 
 and reached to his calves. His white cassimere 
 small-clothes were so tight that he seemed to have 
 grown up in them ; and his ponderous legs, which 
 are the thickest part of his body, were beautifully 
 clothed in skv-blue silk stockings, once considered 
 SO becoming. But above all, he prided himself 
 upon his waistcoat of China silk, which might al- 
 most have served a crood housewife for a sliort- 
 gown ; and he boasted that the roses and tulips 
 upon it were the work of Nang-Fou, daughter of 
 the great Chin- Chin- Fou^ who had fallen in love 
 with the graces of his person, and sent it to him 
 as a parting present ; he assured me she was a 
 remarkable beauty, with sweet obliquity of eyes, 
 and a foot no larger than the thumb of an alder- 
 man ; he then dilated most copiously on his silver- 
 8 
 
114 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 sprigged dickey, which he assured me was qnite 
 the rage among the dashing young mandarins of 
 Canton. 
 
 I hold it an ill-natured office to put any man 
 out of conceit with himself; so, though I would 
 willingly have made a little alteration in my 
 friend Wizard's picturesque costume, yet I politely 
 complimented him on his rakish appearance. 
 
 On entering the room I kept a good look-out 
 on Will, expecting to see him exhibit signs of 
 surprise ; but he is one of those knowing fellows 
 who are never surprised at anything, or at least 
 will never acknowledge it. He took his stand in 
 the middle of the floor, playing with his great 
 steel watch-chain ; and looking round on the com- 
 pany, the furniture, and the pictures, with the 
 air of a man " who has seen d — d finer things 
 in his time;" and to my utter confusion and dis- 
 may, I saw l)im coolly pull out his villainous old 
 japanned tobacco-box, ornamented with a bottle, 
 a pipe, and a scurvy motto, and help himself to 
 a quid in face of all the company. 
 
 I' knew it was all in vain to find fault with a 
 fellow of Will's Socratic turn, who is never to be 
 put out of liumor with himself; so, after he had 
 given his box its prescriptive rap and returned it 
 to his pocket, 1 drew him into a corner where we 
 might observe the company without being prom- 
 inent objects ourselves. 
 
 •' And pray who is that stylish figure," said 
 Will, '• who blazes away in red, like a volcano, 
 and who seems wrapped in flames like a fiery 
 dragon ? " That," cried I, " is Miss Laurella 
 
BILLY DIMPLE. 115 
 
 Dashaway — she Is the highest flash of the ton — 
 has much whim and more eccentricity, and has 
 reduced many an unhappy gentleman to stupidity 
 by her charms ; you see she holds out the red 
 Hag in token of ' no quarter.' " " Then keep me 
 safe out of the sphere of her attractions," cried 
 Will, " I would not e'en come in contact with 
 her train, lest it should scorch me like the tail of 
 a comet. But who, I beg of you, is that amia- 
 ble youth who is handing a young lady, and at the 
 same time contemplating his sweet person in a 
 mirror as he passes?" "His name,'' said I, "is 
 Billy Dimple ; he is a universal smiler, and 
 would travel from Dan to Beersheba and smile 
 on everybody as he passed. Dimple is a slave 
 to the ladies — a hero at tea-parties, and is fa- 
 mous at the pirouette and the pigeon-wing ; a 
 fiddle-stick is his idol, and a dance his elysium." 
 " A very pretty young gentleman, truly," cried 
 Wizard, " he reminds me of a contemporary 
 beau at Hayti. You must know that the mag- 
 nanimous Dessalines gave a great ball to his 
 court one fine sultry summer's evening ; Dessy 
 and me were great cronies — hand and glove — 
 one of the most condescending great men I ever 
 knew. Such a display of black and yellow beau- 
 ties ! such a show of Madras handkerchiefs, red 
 beads, cocks' tails and peacocks' feathers ! — it 
 was, as here, who should wear the highest top- 
 knot, drag the longest tails, or exhibit the great- 
 est variety of combs, colors, and gewgaws. In 
 the middle of the rout, when all was buzz, slip- 
 slop, crack, and perfume, who should enter but 
 
116 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 Tucky Squash ! The yellow beauties blushed 
 blue, and the black ones blushed as red as they 
 could, with pleasure ; and there was a universal 
 agitation of fans ; every eye brightened and 
 whitened to see Tucky ; for he was the pride of 
 the court, the pink of courtesy, the mirror of 
 fasliion, the adoration of all the sable fair ones 
 of Hayti. Such bi'eadth of nose, such exuberance 
 of lip ! his shins had the true cucumber curve ; 
 his face in dancing shone like a kettle ; and pro- 
 vided you kept to windward of him in summer, 
 I do not know a sweeter youth in all Hayti than 
 Tucky Squash. When he laughed, there ap- 
 peared from ear to ear a chevaux-de-frise of 
 teeth, that rivaled the shark's in whiteness ; he 
 could whistle like a northwester ; play on a 
 three-stringed fiddle like Apollo ; and as to dan- 
 cing no Long Island negro could shuffle you 
 * double trouble,' ' hoe corn and dig potatoes ' more 
 scientifically — in short, he was a second Lo- 
 thario. And the dusky nympiis of Hayti, one 
 and all, declared him a perpetual Adonis. Tucky 
 walked about, wliistling to himself, without re- 
 garding anybody ; and his nonchalance was irre- 
 sistible.*' 
 
 I found Will had got neck and heels into one 
 of his travellers stories ; and there is no know- 
 ing how far he would have run his parallel be- 
 tween Billy Dimple and Tucky Squash, had not 
 the music struck up from an adjoining apartment 
 and summoned the company to a dance. The 
 sound seemed to have an inspiring effect on 
 honest Will, and he procured the hand of an old 
 
WILL WIZARD'S DANCING. 117 
 
 acquaintance for a country dance. It happened 
 to be the fashionable one of " the Devil anions the 
 Tailors," which is so vociferously demanded at 
 every ball and assembly ; and many a torn gown, 
 and many an unfortunate toe did rue the dancing 
 of that night ; for Will thundered down the dance 
 like a coach and six, sometimes right, some- 
 times wrong ; now running over half a score of 
 liltle Frenchmen, and now making sad inroads 
 into ladies' cobweb muslins and spangled tails. 
 As ewkiry part of Will's body partook of the ex- 
 ertion, he shook from his capacious head such 
 volumes of powder that, like pious ^neas on his 
 first hiterview with Queen Dido, he might be 
 said to have been enveloped in a cloud. Nor 
 w^as Will's partner an insignificant figure in the 
 scene ; she was a young lady of most voluminous 
 proportions, that quivered at every skip ; and 
 being braced up in the fashionable style, with 
 whalebone, stay-tape, and buckram, looked like 
 an apple-pudding tied in the middle ; or, taking 
 her flaming dress into consideration, like a bed 
 and bolsters rolled up in a suit of red curtains. 
 The dance finished, I would gladly have taken 
 Will off; but no, he was now in one of his 
 happy moods, and there was no doing anything 
 with him. He insisted on my introducing him to 
 Miss Sophy Sparkle, a young lady unrivaled 
 for playful wit and innocent vivacity, and who 
 like a brilliant adds lustre to the front of fashion. 
 I accordingly presented him to her, and began a 
 conversation in which, I thought, he might take a 
 share ; but no such thing. Will took his stand 
 
118 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 beside her, straddling like a Colossus, with his 
 hands in his pockets, and an air of the most pro- 
 found attention ; nor did he pretend to open his 
 lips for some time, until, upon some lively sally 
 of hers, he electrified the whole company with a 
 most intolerable burst of laughter. What was to 
 be done with such an incorrigible fellow ? To 
 add to my distress, the first word he spoke was 
 to tell Miss Sparkle that something she had said 
 reminded him of a circumstance that happened to 
 him in China ; and at it he went in the true 
 traveller style ; described the Chinese mode of 
 eating rice with chop sticks ; entered into a long 
 eulogium on the succulent qualities of boiled 
 bird's nests ; and I made my escape at the very 
 moment when he was on the point of squatting 
 down on the floor, to show how the little Chinese 
 Joshes sit cross-legged. 
 
 TO THE LADIES. 
 
 FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 
 
 THOUGH jogging down the hill of life, 
 Without the comfort of a wife ; 
 And though I ne'er a helpmate chose, 
 To stock my house and mend my hose ; 
 With care my person to adorn ; 
 And spruce me up on Sunday morn ; 
 Still do 1 love the gentle sex. 
 And still with cares my brain perplex, 
 
THE POLISH OF THE TOWN. 119 
 
 To keep the fair ones of the age 
 Unsullied as the spotless page ; 
 All pure, all simple, all refined, 
 The sweetest solace of mankind. 
 I hate the loose insidious jest 
 To beauty's modest ear addrest, 
 And hold that frowns should never fail 
 To check each smooth, but fulsome tale ; 
 But he whose impious pen should dare 
 Invade the morals of the fair ; 
 To taint that purity divine 
 Which should each female heart enshrine ; 
 Though soft his vicious strains should swell, 
 As those which erst from Gabriel fell, 
 Should yet be held aloft to shame, 
 And foul dishonor shade his name. 
 Judge then, my friends, of my surprise, 
 The ire that kindled in my eyes, 
 When I relate, that t'other day 
 I went a morning call to pay, 
 On two young nieces, just come down 
 To take the polish of the town : 
 By which I mean no more or less 
 Than a la Frangaise to undress ; 
 To whirl the modest waltz's rounds. 
 Taught by Duport for snug ten pounds ; 
 To thump and thunder through a song, 
 Play fortes soft and dolces strong : 
 Exhibit loud piano feats. 
 Caught from that crotchet-hero, Meetz ; 
 To drive the rose-bloom from the face, 
 And fix the lily in its place ; 
 To doff the white, and in its stead 
 
120 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 To bounce about in brazen red. 
 
 While in the parlor I delay 'd 
 Till they their persons had array 'd, 
 A dapper volume caught my eye, 
 That on the window chanced to lie : 
 A book's a friend — I always choose 
 To turn its pages and peruse ; 
 It proved those poems known to fame 
 For praising every cyprian dame ; 
 The bantlings of a dapper youth, 
 Kenown'd for gratitude and truth ; 
 A little pest, hight Tommy Moore, 
 Who hopp'd and skipp'd our country o'er> 
 Who sipp'd our tea and lived on sops, 
 Revel'd on syllabubs and slops. 
 And when his brain, of cobweb fine. 
 Was fuddled with five drops of wine, 
 Would all his puny loves rehearse. 
 And many a maid debauch — in verse. 
 Surprised to meet in open view, 
 A book of such lascivious hue, 
 I chid my nieces, but they say 
 'Tis all the passion of the day ; 
 That many a fashionable belle 
 Will with eiuaptured accents dwell 
 On the sweet morceau she has found 
 In this delicious, curst compound ! 
 
 Soft do the tinklinor numbers roll, 
 An<l lure to vice the unthinking soul; 
 They tempt by softer sounds away, 
 They lead entranced the heart astray ; 
 And Satan's doctrine sweetly sing, 
 As with a seraph's heavenly string. 
 
 I 
 
TOMMY MOORE. 121 
 
 Such sounds, so good old Homer sung, 
 Once warbled from the Siren's tongue ; 
 Sweet melting tones were heard to pour 
 Along Ausonia's sun-gilt shore ; 
 Seductive strains in ether float, 
 And every wild, deceitful note 
 That could the yielding iieart assail, 
 Were wafted on tlie breathing gale; 
 And every gentle accent bland, 
 To tempt Ulysses to their strand. 
 
 And can it be this book so base, 
 Is laid on every window-case ? , 
 
 O ! fair ones, if you will profane 
 Those breasts where heaven itself should reign ; 
 And throw those pure recesses wide. 
 Where peace and virtue should reside, 
 To let the holy pile admit 
 A guest unhallowed and unfit ; 
 Pray, like the frail ones of the night, 
 Who hide their wanderings from the light, 
 So let your errors secret be, 
 And hide, at least, your fault from me; 
 Seek some by-corner to explore 
 The smooth polluted pages o'er : 
 There drink the insidious poison io, 
 There silly nurse your souls for sin ; 
 And while that purity you blight, 
 Which stamps you messengers of light. 
 And sap those mounds the gods bestow, 
 To keep you spotless here below ; 
 Still, in compassion to our race, 
 Who joy, not only in the face, 
 But in that more exalted part, 
 
122 
 
 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 The sacred temple of the heart ; 
 
 O ! hide forever from our view 
 
 The fatal mischief you pursue ; 
 
 Let MEN your praises still exalt, 
 
 And none but angels mourn your fault. 
 
NO. VI. — FRIDAY, MARCH 20, 1807. 
 FROM MY ELBOAV-CHAIR. 
 
 HE Cockloft family, of which I have 
 made such frequent mention, is of great 
 antiquity, if there be any truth in the 
 genealogical tree which hangs up in my cousin's 
 library. They trace their descent from a cele- 
 brated Roman knight, cousin to the progenitor 
 of his majesty of Britain, who left his native 
 country on occasion of some disgust, and coming 
 into Wales, became a great favorite of Prince 
 Madoc, and accompanied that famous Argonaut 
 in the voyage which ended in the discovery of 
 this conthient. Though a member of the family, 
 I have sometimes ventured to doubt the authen- 
 ticity of this portion of their annals, to the great 
 vexation of cousin Christopher, who is looked up 
 to as the head of our house, and who, though as 
 orthodox as a bishop, would sooner give up the 
 whole decalogue than lop off a single limb of the 
 family tree. From time immemorial, it has been 
 the rule for the Cocklofts to marry one of their 
 own name ; and, as they always bred like rabbits, 
 the family has increased and multiplied like that 
 of Adam and Eve. In truth, their number is 
 almost incredible ; and you can hardly go into 
 
124 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 any part of the country without starting a war- 
 ren of genuine Cocklofts. Every person of the 
 least observation or experience must have ob- 
 served that where this practice of marrying cous- 
 ins, and second cousins, prevails in a family, 
 every member, in the course of a few generations, 
 becomes queer, humorous, and original ; as much 
 distinguished from the common race of mongrels 
 as if he was of a diffei'ent species. This has 
 happened in our family, and particularly in that 
 branch of it of which Mr. Cin-istopher Cockloft, 
 or, to do him justice, Mr. Christopher Cockloft, 
 Esq., is the head. Christopher is, in fact, the 
 only married man of the nanie who resides in 
 town ; his family is small, having lost most of his 
 children, when young, by the excessive care he 
 took to bring them up like vegetables. This was 
 one of his first whimwhams, and a confounded 
 one it was, as his children might have told, had 
 they not fallen victims to this experiment before 
 they could talk. He had got from some quack 
 philosopher or other a notion that there was a 
 complete analogy between children and plants, 
 and that they ought to be both reared alike. 
 Accordingly he spi-inkled them every morning 
 with water; laid them out in the sun, as he did 
 his geraniums ; and, if the season was remarkably 
 dry, repeated this wise experiment three or four 
 times of a morning. The consequence was, that 
 the poor little souls died one after the other, ex- 
 cept Jeremy and his two sisters ; who, to be sure, 
 are a trio of as odd, runty, mummy-looking 
 orijiinals as ever Iloijarth fancied in his most 
 
MRS. COCKLOFT. 125 
 
 happy moments. Mrs. Cockloft, the larger if 
 not the better half of my cousin, often remon- 
 strated against this vegetable theory ; and even 
 brought the parson of the parish, in which my 
 cousin's country liouse is situated, to her aid ; but 
 in vain : Christopher persisted, and attributed the 
 failure of his plan to its not having been exactly 
 conformed to. As I have mentioned Mrs. Cock- 
 loft, I may as well say a little more about her 
 while I am in the humor. She is a lady of 
 vronderful notability, a warm admirer of shining 
 mahogany, clean hearths, and her husband, who 
 she considers the wisest man in the world, bating 
 Will Wizard and the parson of our parish, the 
 last of whom is her oracle on all occasions. She 
 goes constantly to church every Sunday and 
 Saint's-day ; and insists upon it that no man is 
 entitled to ascend a pulpit unless he has been or- 
 dained by a bishop : nay, so far does she carry 
 her orthodoxy, that all the argument in the world 
 will never persuade Iter that a Presbyterian or 
 Baptist, or even a Calvinist, has any possible 
 ciiance of going to Heaven. Above everything 
 else, however, she abhors paganism ; can scarcely 
 refrain from laying violent hands on a pantheon 
 when she meets with it ; and was very nigh 
 going into hysterics when my cousin insisted one 
 of his boys should be christened after our lau- 
 reate, because the parson of the parish had told 
 her that Pindar was the name of a pagan writer, 
 famous for his love of boxing-matches, wrestling, 
 and horse-racing. To sum up all her qualifica- 
 tions in the shortest possible way, Mrs. Cockloft 
 
126 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 is, in the true sense of the phrase, a good sort 
 of woman ; and I often congratulate my cousin 
 on possessing her. The rest of the family con- 
 sists of Jeremy Cockloft, the younger, who has 
 already been mentioned, and the two Miss Cock- 
 lofts, or rather the young ladies, as they iiave 
 been called by the servants time out of mind ; 
 not that they {ire really young, the younger being 
 somewhat on the shady side of thirty, but it has 
 ever been the custom to call every member of 
 the family young under fifty. In the southeast 
 corner of the house I hold quiet possession of 
 an old-fashioned apartment, where myself and 
 my elbow-chair are suffered to amuse ourselves 
 undisturbed, save at meal-times. This apartment 
 old Cockloft has facetiously denominated Cousin 
 Launce's Paradise ; and the good old gentleman 
 has two or three favorite jokes about it, which 
 are served up as regularly as the standing family 
 dish of beef-steaks and onions, which every day 
 maintains its station at the foot of the table, in 
 defiance of mutton, poultry, or even venison 
 itself. 
 
 Though the family is apparently small, yet, 
 like most old establishments of the kind, it does 
 not want for honorary members. It is the city 
 rendezvous of the Cocklofts ; and we are con- 
 tinually enlivened by the company of half a score 
 of uncles, aunts, and cousins, in the fortieth re- 
 move, from all parts of the country, who profess 
 a wonderful regard for Cousin Christopher, and 
 overwhelm every member of his household, down 
 to the cook in the kitchen, with their attentions. 
 
COUNTRY COUSINS. 127 
 
 We have for three weeks past been greeted with 
 the company of two worthy old spinsters, who 
 came down from the country to settle a lawsuit. 
 They have done little else but retail stories of 
 their village neighbors, knit stockings, and take 
 snuff all the time they have been here ; the 
 whole fiimily are bewildered with churchyard 
 tales of sheeted ghosts, white horses without 
 heads, and with large goggle eyes in their but- 
 tocks ; and not one of the old servants dare 
 budge an inch after dark without a numerous 
 company at his heels. My cousin's visitors, how- 
 ever, always return his hospitality with due grati- 
 tude, and now and then remind him of their fra- 
 ternal regard, by a present of a pot of apple 
 sweetmeats, or a bariel of sour cider at Christ- 
 mas. Jeremy displays himself to great advan- 
 tage among his country relations, who all think 
 him a prodigy, and often stand astounded, in 
 "gaping wonderment," at his natural philosophy. 
 He lately frightened a sinjple old uncle almost 
 out of his wits, by giving it as his opinion that 
 the earth would one day be scorched to ashes by 
 the eccentric gambols of the famous comet, so 
 much talked of; and positively asserted that this 
 world revolved round the sun, and that the moon 
 was certainly inhabited. 
 
 The family mansion bears equal marks of 
 antiquity with its inhabitants. As the Cocklofts 
 are remarkable for their attachment to everything 
 that has remained long in the family, they are 
 bigoted toward their old edifice, and I dare say 
 would sooner have it crumble about their ears 
 
]28 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 than abandon it. The consequence is, it has 
 been so patched up and repaired, that it has be- 
 come as full of whims and oddities as its tenants; 
 requires to be nursed and humored like a gouty 
 old codcrer of an alderman, and reminds one of 
 the famous ship in which a certain admiral cir- 
 cumnavigated the globe, which was so patched 
 and timbered, in order to preserve so great a 
 curiosity, that ai length not a particle of the 
 orisinal remained. Whenever the wind blows, 
 the old mansion makes a most perilous groaning ; 
 and every storm is sure to make a day's work 
 for the carpenter, who attends upon it as regu- 
 larly as the family physician. This predilection 
 for everything that has been long in the family 
 shows itself in every particular. The domestics 
 are all grown gray in the service of our house. 
 We have a little, old, crusty, gray-headed negro, 
 who has lived through two or thi-ee generations 
 of the Cocklofts, and of course has become a 
 personage of no little importance in the house- 
 hold. He calls all the family by their Christian 
 names : tells long stories about how he dandled 
 them on his knee when they were children ; and 
 is a complete Cockloft chronicle for the last sev- 
 enty years. The family carriage was made in 
 the last French war, and the old horses were 
 most indubitably foaled in Noah's ark : resem- 
 bling marvelously, in gravity of demeanor, those 
 sober animals which may be seen any day of the 
 year in the streets of Philadelphia walking their 
 snail's pace, a dozen in a row, and harmoniously 
 iinc'lino^ their bells. Whirawhams are the in- 
 
WHIM WHAMS. 129 
 
 heritance of the Cocklofts, and every member of 
 the household is a humorist sui generis^ from the 
 master down to the footman. The very cats and 
 dogs are humorists ; and we have a little runty 
 scoundrel of a cur, who whenever the church 
 bells ring, will run to the street door, turn up his 
 nose in the wind, and howl most piteously. 
 Jeremy insists that this is owing to a peculiar 
 delicacy in the organization of his ears, and sup- 
 ports his position by many learned arguments 
 which nobody can understand ; but I am of opin- 
 ion that it is a mere Cockloft whimwham, which 
 the little cur indulges, being descended from a 
 race of dogs which has flourished in the family 
 ever since the time of my grandfather. A pro- 
 pensity to save everything that bears the stamp 
 of family antiquity has accumulated an abun- 
 dance of trumpery and rubbish with which the 
 house is encumbei-ed from the cellar to the gar- 
 ret ; and every room, and closet, and corner is 
 crammed with three-legged chairs, clocks without 
 hands, swords without scabbards, cocked hats, 
 broken candlesticks, and looking-glasses with 
 frames carved into fantastic shapes of feathered 
 sheep, woolly birds, and other animals that have 
 no name except in books of heraldry. The pon- 
 derous mahogany chairs in the parlors are of 
 such unwieldy proportions that it is quite a 
 serious undertaking to gallant one of them across 
 the room, and sometimes make a most equivocal 
 noise when you sit down in a hurry; the mantel- 
 piece is decorated witii little lacquered earthen 
 
 shepherdesses, some of which are without toes, 
 9 
 
130 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 and others without noses ; and the fire-place is 
 garnished out with Dutch tiles, exhibiting a great 
 variety of Scripture pieces, which my good old 
 soul of a cousin takes infinite delight in explain- 
 ing. Poor Jeremy hates them as lie does poi- 
 son ; for, while a younker, he was obliged by 
 his mother to learn the history of a tile every 
 Sunday morning before she would permit him to 
 join his playmates ; this was a terrible affair for 
 Jeremy, who, by the time he had learned the last, 
 had forgotten the first, rvnd was obliged to begin 
 again. He assured me the other day, with a 
 round college oath, that if the old house stood 
 out till he inherited it, he would have these tilea 
 taken out, and ground into powder, for the per- 
 fect hatred he bore them. 
 
 My cousin Christopher enjoys unlimited au- 
 thority in the mansion of his forefathers ; he is 
 truly what may be termed a hearty old blade ; 
 has a florid, sunshine countenance ; and if you 
 will only praise his wine and laugh at his long 
 stories, himself and his house are heartily at your 
 service. The first condition is indeed easily com- 
 plied with ; for, to tell the truth, his wine is ex- 
 cellent ; but his stories, being not of the best, and 
 often repeated, are apt to create a disposition to 
 yawn — being, in addition to their other qualities, 
 most unreasonably long. His prolixity is the 
 more afflicting to me, since I have all his stories 
 by heart ; and when he enters upon one, it re- 
 minds me of Newark causeway, where the trav- 
 eller sees the end at the distance of several 
 miles. To the great misfortune of all his ac- 
 
nOSPITALITY. 131 
 
 quaintance, Cousin Cockloft is blest with a most 
 provokingly retentive memory ; and can give day 
 and date, and name, and age, and circumstance, 
 with the most unfeeling precision. These, how- 
 ever, are but trivial foibles, forgotten, or remem- 
 bered only with a kind of tender, respectful pity, 
 by those who know witli what a rich, redundant 
 harvest of kindness and generosity his heart is 
 stored. It would delight you to see with what 
 social gladness he welcomes a visitor into his 
 house ; and the poorest man that enters his door 
 never leaves it without a cordial invitation to 
 sit down, and drink a glass of wine. By the 
 honest farmers round his country-seat he is looked 
 up to with love and reverence ; they never pass 
 bim by without his inquiring after the welfare of 
 their families, and receiving a cordial shake of 
 his liberal hand. There are but two classes of 
 people who are thrown out of the reach of his 
 hospitality, and these are Frenchmen and Demo- 
 crats. The old gentleman considers it treason 
 against the majesty of good breeding to speak to 
 any visitor with his hat on ; but the moment a 
 Democrat enters his door, he forthwith bids his 
 man Pompey bring his hat, puts It on his head, 
 and salutes him with an appalling " Well, sir, 
 what do you want of me ? " 
 
 He has a profound contempt for Frenchmen, 
 and firmly believes that thev eat nothing but frogs 
 and soupe-maigre in their own country. This 
 unlucky prejudice is partly owing to my great- 
 aunt Pamela having been many years ago run 
 away with by a French count, who turned out to 
 
132 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 be the son of a generation of barbers ; and partly 
 to a little vivid spark of toryism which burns hi 
 a secret corner of his heart. He was a loyal 
 subject of the crown, has hardly yet recovered 
 the shock of independence ; and, though he does 
 not care to own it, always does honor to his 
 majesty's birthday, by inviting a few cavaliers, 
 like himself, to dinner, and gracing his table with 
 more than ordinaiy festivity. If by chance the 
 Revolution is mentioned before him, my cousin 
 shakes his head ; and you may see, if you take 
 good note, a lurking smile of contempt in the cor- 
 ner of his eye which marks a decided disappro- 
 bation of the sound. He once, in the fullness of 
 his heart, observed to me that green peas were a 
 month later than they were under the old govern- 
 ment. But the most eccentric manifestation of 
 loyalty he ever gave was making a voyage to 
 Halifax for no other reason under heaven but to 
 hear his majesty prayed for in church, as he used 
 to be here formerly. This he never could be 
 brought fairly to acknowledge ; but it is a certain 
 fact, I assure you. It is not a little singular that 
 a person so much given to long story-telling as 
 my cousin, should take a liking to another of the 
 same character ; but so it is with the old gentle- 
 man. His prime favorite and companion is Will 
 Wizard, who is almost a member of the family ; 
 and will sit before the fire, with his feet on the 
 massy andirons, and smoke his cigar, and screw 
 his phiz, and spin away tremendous long stories 
 of his travels, for a whole evening, to the great 
 delight of the old gentleman and lady, and espe- 
 
COCKLOFT LADIES. 133 
 
 cially of the young ladies, who, like Desdemona, 
 do " seriously incline," and listen to him with in- 
 numerable " dears," " Is it possibles," " Goody 
 graciouses," and look upon him as a second Sinba^i 
 the sailor. 
 
 The Misses Cockloft, whose pardon I crave for 
 not having particularly introduced them before, 
 are a pair of delectable damsels, who, having pur- 
 loined and locked up the family Bible, pass for 
 just what age they please to plead guilty to. 
 Barbara, the eldest, has long since I'esigned the 
 character of a belle, and adopted that staid, sober, 
 demure, snuff-taking air becoming her years and 
 discretion. She is a good-natured soul, whom I 
 never saw in a passion but once, and that was oc- 
 casioned by seeing an old favorite beau of hers 
 kiss the hand of a pretty, blooming girl ; and, in 
 truth, she only got angry because, as she very 
 properly said, it was spoiling the child. Her 
 sister Margery, or Maggie, as she is familiarly 
 termed, seemed disposed to maintain her post as 
 a belle, until a few months since ; when acciden- 
 tally hearing a gentleman observe that she broke 
 very fast, she suddenly left off going to the as- 
 sembly, took a cat into high favor, and began to 
 rail at the* forward pertness of young misses. 
 From that moment I set her down for an old 
 maid ; and so she is, " by the hand of my body." 
 The young ladies are still visited by some half 
 dozen of veteran beaux, who grew and flourished 
 in the haul ton, when the Miss Cocklofts were 
 quite children ; but have been brushed rather 
 rudely by the hand of time, who, to say the truth, 
 
134 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 can do almost anything but make people young. 
 They are, notwithstandhig, still warm candidates 
 for female favor; look venerably tender, and re- 
 peat over and over the same honeyed speeches 
 and sugared sentiments to the little belles that 
 they poured so profusely into the ears of their 
 mothers. I beg leave here to give notice that by 
 this sketch I mean no reflection on old bachelors ; 
 on the contrary, I hold that next to a fine lady, 
 the ne plus ultra^ an old bachelor to be the most 
 charming being upon earth ; inasmuch as by liv- 
 ing in " single blessedness," he of course does 
 just as he pleases ; and if he has any genius, 
 must acquire a plentiful stock of whims, and od- 
 dities, and whalebone habits ; without which I 
 esteem a man to be mere beef without mustard — 
 good for nothing at all but to run on errands for 
 ladies, take boxes at the theatre, and act the part 
 of a screen at tea-parties, or a walking-stick in 
 the streets. I merely speak of these old boys 
 who infest public walks, pounce upon ladies from 
 every corner of the street, and worry, and frisk, 
 and amble, and caper before, behind, and round 
 about the fashionable belles, like old ponies in a 
 pasture, striving to supply the absence of youth- 
 ful whim and hilarity, by grimaces and grins, and 
 artificial vivacity. I have sometimes seen one of 
 these " reverend youths " endeavoring to elevate 
 his wintry passions into something like love, by 
 basking in the sunshine of beauty ; and it did re- 
 mind me of an old moth, attempting to fly through 
 a pane of glass toward a light, without ever ap- 
 proaching near enough to warm itself, or scorch 
 its wings. 
 
FAMILY SYMPATHY. 135 
 
 Never, I firmly believe, did there exist a fam- 
 ily that went more by tangents than the Cocklofts. 
 Everything is governed by whim ; and if one 
 member starts a new freak, away all the rest fol- 
 low on like wild geese in a string. As the fanii- 
 , ly, the servants, the horses, cats, and dogs have 
 all grown old together, they have accommodated 
 themselves to each other's habits completely ; 
 and though every body of them is full of odd 
 points, angles, rhomboids, and ins and outs, yet 
 some how or other they harmonize together like 
 so many straight lines; and it is truly a grateful 
 and refreshing; sight to see them agree so well. 
 Should one, however, get out of tune, it is like 
 a cracked fiddle, the whole concern is ajar ; you 
 perceive a cloud over every brow in the house 
 and even the old cliairs seem to creak, affetuoso. 
 If my cousin, as he is rather apt to do, betray 
 any symptoms of vexation or uneasiness, no mat- 
 ter about what, he is worried to death with in- 
 quiries, which answer no other end but to demon- 
 strate the good will of the inquirer, and put him 
 in a passion ; for everybody knows how provok- 
 ing it is to be cut short in a fit of the blues, 
 by an impertinent question about '' what is the 
 matter ? " when a man can't tell himself. I 
 remember a few months ago the old gentleman 
 came home in quite a squall ; kicked poor CaevSar 
 the mastiff, out of his way, as he came through 
 the hall, threw his hat on the table with most 
 violent emphasis, and pulling out his box, took 
 three huge pinches of snuff, and threw a fourth 
 into the cat's eyes as he sat purring his astonish 
 
136 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 ment at the fireside. This was enough to set 
 the body politic going ; Mrs. Cockloft began 
 " my dearing " it as fast as tongue could move ; 
 the young ladies took each a stand jit an elbow of 
 his chair ; Jeremy marshaled in the rear ; the 
 servants came tumbling in ; the mastiff put up an 
 inquiring nose ; and even grimalkin, after he had 
 cleaned his whiskers and finished sneezing, dis- 
 covered indubitable signs of sympathy. After 
 the most affectionate inquiries on all sides, it 
 turned out that my cousin, in crossing the street, 
 had got his silk stockings bespattered with mud 
 by a coach, which, it seems, belonged to a dashing 
 gentleman who had formerly supplied the fami- 
 ly with hot rolls and muffins ! Mrs. Cockloft 
 thereupon turned up her eyes, and the young 
 ladies their noses ; and it would have edified a 
 whole congregation to hear the conversation 
 which took place concerning the insolence of up- 
 starts, and the vulgarity of would-be gentlemen 
 and ladies, who strive to emerge from low life 
 by dashing about in carriages to pay a visit two 
 doors off; giving parties to people who laugh at 
 them, and cutting all their old friends. 
 
 THEATRICS. 
 
 BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 
 
 I WENT a few evenings since to the theatre, 
 accompanied by my friend 'Sbidlikens, the 
 cockney, who is a man deeply read in the history 
 
THEATRICS. 137 
 
 of Cinderella, Valentine and Orson, Blue Beard, 
 and all those recondite works so necessary to en- 
 able a man to understand the modern drama. 
 "Sbidlikens is one of those intolerable fellows who 
 Avill never be pleased with anything until he has 
 turned and twisted it divers ways, to see if it 
 eoiresponds with his notions of congruity ; and as 
 he is none of the quickest in his ratiocinations, he 
 will f^ometimes come out with his approbation, 
 when everybody else has forgotten the cause 
 which excited it. 'Sbidlikens is, moreover, a 
 great critic, for he finds fault with everything ; 
 this being what I understand by modern criti- 
 cism. He, however, is pleased to acknowledge 
 that our theatre is not so despicable, all things 
 considered ; and really thinks Cooper one of our 
 best actors. The play was " Othello '* and to 
 speak my mind freely, I think I have seen it 
 performed much woise in my time. The actors, 
 I firmly believe, did their best ; and whenever 
 this is the case, no man has a right to find fault 
 with them, in my opinion. -Little Rutherford, the 
 Roscius of the Philadelphia theatre, looked as 
 big as possible ; and what he wanted in size he 
 made up in frowning. I like frowning in trag- 
 edy ; and if a man but keeps his forehead in 
 proper wrinkle, talks big, and takes long strides 
 on the stage, I always set him down as a great 
 tragedian ; and so does my friend 'Sbidlikens. 
 
 Before the first act was over, 'Sbidlikens began 
 to flouiish his critical wooden sword like a har- 
 lequin. He first found fault with Cooper for not 
 having made himself as black as a negro, " for,'* 
 
138 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 said he, " that Othello was an arrant black, ap- 
 pears from several expressions of the play ; as 
 for instance, ' thick lips,' ' sooty bosom,' and a 
 variety of others. I am inclined to think," con- 
 tinned he, '' that Othello was an Egyptian by 
 birth, from the circumstance of the handkerchief 
 given to Iiis mother by a native of that country ; 
 and, if so, he certainly was as black as my hat ; 
 fi)r Herodotus has told us, that the Egyptians had 
 flat noses and frizzled hair — a clear proof that 
 they were all negroes." He did not confine his 
 strictures to this single error of the actor, but 
 went on to run him down in toto. In this he 
 was seconded by a red-hot Philadelphian, who 
 proved by a string of most eloquent logical puns, 
 that Fennel was unquestionably in every respect 
 a better actor than Cooper. I knew it was in 
 vain to contend with tliem, since I recollected a 
 most obstinate trial of skill these two great Roscii 
 had last spring in Philadelphia. C )oper bran- 
 dished his blood-stained dagger at the theatre — 
 Fennel flourished his snuff-box and shook his 
 wig at the Lyceum, and the unfortunate Phil- 
 adelpliians were a long time at a loss to decide 
 which deserved the palm. The literati were in- 
 clined to give it to Cooper, because his name was 
 the most fruitful in puns ; but then, on the other 
 side, it was contended that Fennel was the best 
 Greek scholar. Scarcely was the town of Stras- 
 burgh in a greater hubbub about the courteous 
 stranger's nose ; and it was well that the doctors 
 of the University did not get into the dispute, 
 else it might have become a battle of folios. At 
 
COCKNEY CRITICISM. 139 
 
 length, after much excellent argument had been 
 expended on both sides, recourse was had to 
 Cocker's Arithmetic and a carpenter's rule ; the 
 rival candidates were both measured by one of 
 their most steady-handed critics, and by the most 
 exact measurement it was proved that Mr. Fen- 
 nel was the greater actor by three inches and a 
 quarter. Since this demonstration of inferiority, 
 Cooper has never been able to hold up his head 
 in Philadelphia. 
 
 In order to change a conversation in which 
 my favorite suffered so much, I made some in- 
 quiries of the Philadelphian concerning the two 
 heroes of his theatre, Wood and Cain ; but I had 
 scarcely mentioned their names, when, whack ! 
 he threw a whole handful of puns in my face ; 
 'twas like a bowl of cold water. I turned on 
 my heel, had recourse to my tobacco-box, and 
 said no more about Wood and Cain ; nor will I 
 ever more, if I can help it, mention their names 
 in the presence of a Philadelphian. Would that 
 they could leave off punning ! for I love every 
 soul of them, with a cordial affection, warm as 
 their own generous hearts, and boundless as their 
 hospitality. 
 
 During the performance, I kept an eye on the 
 countenance of my friend, the cockney ; because, 
 liaving come all the way from England, and 
 having seen Kemble once, on a visit which he 
 made from the button-manufactory to Lunnun^ 
 I thought his phiz might serve .as a kind of 
 thermometer to direct my manifestations of ap 
 [►lause or disapprobation. I might as well have 
 
140 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 looked at the back side of his head ; for I could 
 not, with all my peering, perceive by his features 
 that he was pleased with anything — except him- 
 self. His hat was twitched a little on one side, 
 as much as to say, " Demme, I'm your sorts ! " 
 he was sucking the end of a little stick ; he was 
 a " gemman " from head to foot ; but as to his 
 face, there was no more expression in it than in 
 the face of a Chinese lady on a tea-cup. On 
 Cooper's giving one of his gunpowder explosions 
 of passion, I exclaimed, " Fine, very fine ! '* 
 " Pardon me," said my friend 'Sbid likens, " this 
 is damnable! — the gesture, my dear sir — only 
 look at the gesture ! how horrible ! do you not 
 observe that the actor slaps his forehead, whereas, 
 the passion not having arrived at the proper 
 height, he should only liave slapped his — pocket- 
 flap ? this figure of rlietoric is a most important 
 stage-trick, and the proper management of it is 
 what peculiarly distinguishes the great actor from 
 the mere plodding mechanical buffoon. Differ- 
 ent degrees of passion require different slaps, 
 which we critics have reduced to a perfect man- 
 ual, improving upon the principle adopted by 
 Frederic of Prussia, by deciding that an actor, 
 like a soldier, is a mere machine; as thus — the 
 actor, for a minor burst of passion, merely slaps 
 his pocket- hole ; good ! for a major burst, he 
 slaps his breast ; very good ! but for a burst 
 maximus, he whacks away at his fbi'ehead, like a 
 brave fellow; this is excellent; nothing can be 
 finer than an exit, slapping the forehead from one 
 end of the stage to the other." '' Except," re- 
 
COCKNEY CRITICISM. 141 
 
 plied I, " one of those slaps on the breast, which 
 I have sometimes admired in some of our fat 
 heroes and heroines, which make their whole 
 body shake and quiver like a pyramid of jelly." 
 
 The Philadelphian had listened to this conver- 
 sation with profound attention, and appeared de- 
 lighted with 'Sbidlikens' mechanical strictures; 
 'twas natural enough in a man who chose an 
 actor as he would a grenadier. He took the 
 opportunity of a pause to enter into a long con- 
 versation with my friend ; and was receiving a 
 prodigious fund of information concerning the 
 true mode of emphasizing conjunctions, shifting 
 scenes, snuffing candles, and making thunder and 
 lightning, better than you can get every day 
 from the sky, as practiced at the royal theatres ; 
 when, as ill luck would have it, they happened 
 to run their heads full butt against a new read- 
 ing. Now this was " a stumper," as our old 
 friend Paddle would say ; for the Philadelphians 
 are as inveterate new-reading hunters as the 
 cockneys ; and, for aught I know, as well skilled 
 in finding them out. The Philadelphian there- 
 upon met the cockney on his own ground, and at 
 it they went, like two inveterate curs at a bone. 
 'Sbidlikens quoted Theobald, Hanmer, and a host 
 of learned commentators, who have pinned them- 
 selves on the sleeve of Shakespeare's immortal- 
 ity, and made the old bard, like General Wash- 
 ington, in General Washington's life, a most 
 diminutive figure in his own book ; his opponent 
 chose Johnson for his bottle-holder, and thundered 
 him forward like an elephant to bear down the 
 
142 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 ranks of the enemy. I was not long in discover- 
 ing that these two precious judges had got hold 
 of that unlucky passage of Shakespeare which, 
 like a straw, has tickled, and puzzled, and con- 
 founded many a somniferous buzzard of past and 
 present time. It was tlie celebrated wish of 
 Desdemona, that heaven had made her such a 
 man as Othello. 'Sbidlikens insisted that " the 
 gentle Desdemona " merely wished for such a 
 man for a husband, which in all conscience was 
 a modest wish enough, and very natural in a 
 young lady who might possibly have had a predi- 
 lection for flat noses ; like a certain philosophical 
 great man of our day. The Philadelphian con- 
 tended, witli all the vehemence of a member of 
 Congress, moving the House to have " whereas,'* 
 or '' also," or " nevertheless " struck out of a bill, 
 that the young lady wished heaven had made 
 her a man instead of a woman, in order that she 
 might have an opportunity of seeing the " an- 
 thropophagi, and the men whose heads do grow 
 beneath their shoulders ; " which was a very 
 natural wish, considering the curiosity of the sex. 
 ^On being referred to, I incontinently decided in 
 favor of the honorable member who spoke last ; 
 inasmuch as I think it was a very foolish, and 
 therefore very natural, wish for a young lady to 
 make before a man she wished to marry. It 
 was, moreover, an indication of the violent in- 
 clination slie felt to wear the breeches, which 
 was afterward, in all probability, gratified, if we 
 may judge from the title of "our captain's cap- 
 tain," given her by Cassio — a phrase which, in 
 
NATURAL ACTING. 143 
 
 my opinion, indicates that Othello was, at that 
 time, most ignominiously lienpecked. I believe 
 my arguments staggered 'Sbidlikens himself, for 
 he looked confoundedly queer, and said not an- 
 other word on the subject. 
 
 A little while after, at it he went again on 
 another tack, and began to find fault with Cooper's 
 manner of dying ; " it was not natural," he said ; 
 for it had lately been demonstrated by a learned 
 doctor of physic, that when a man is mortally 
 stabbed, he ought to take a flying leap of at least 
 five feet, and drop down "dead as a salmon in a 
 fishmonger's basket." Whenever a man, in the 
 predicament above mentioned, departed from this 
 fundamental rule, by falling flat down like a log, 
 and rolling about for two or three minutes, mak- 
 ing speeches all the time, the said learned doctor 
 maintained that it was owing to the waywardness 
 of the human mind, which delighted in flying in 
 the face of nature, and dying in defiance of all 
 her established rules. I replied, " for my part I 
 held that every man had a right of dying in 
 whatever position he pleased ; and that the mode 
 of doing it depended altogether on the peculiar 
 character of the person going to die. A Persian 
 could not die in peace unless he had his face 
 turned to the east ; a Mahometan would ahvays 
 choose to have his toward Mecca ; a Frenchman 
 might prefer this mode of throwing a somerset ; 
 but Mynheer Van Brumblebottom, the Roscius 
 of Rotterdam, always chose to thunder down on 
 his seat of honor whenever he received a mortal 
 wound. Being a man of ponderous dimensions, 
 
144 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 this had a most electrifying effect, for the whole 
 theatre ' shook like Ol^'inpiis at the nod of 
 Jove.' " The Philadelphiaii was immediately 
 inspired with a pun, and swore tliat Mynheer 
 must be great in a dying scene, since he knew 
 how to make the most of his latter end. 
 
 It is the inveterate cry of stage critics, that 
 an actor does not perform the character naturally, 
 if, by chance, he happens not to die exactly as 
 they would have him. I think the exhibition of 
 a play at Pekin would suit them exactly ; and I 
 wish, with all my heart, that they would go there 
 and see one ; nature is there imitated with the 
 most scrupulous exactness in every trifling partic- 
 ular. Here an unhappy lady or gentleman, who 
 happens, unluckily, to be poisoned or stabbed, is 
 left on the stage to writhe and groan, and make 
 faces at the audience, until the poet pleases they 
 should die ; while the honest folks of the drama- 
 tis pei'soncB, bless their hearts ! all crowd round 
 and yield most potent assistance, by crying and 
 lamenting most vociferously ! The audience, ten- 
 der souls, pull out their white pocket-handker- 
 chiefs, wipe their eyes, blow their noses,.„and 
 swear it is natural as life, wiule the poor actor is 
 left to die without common Christian comfort. 
 In China, on the contrary, the first thing they do 
 is to run for the doctor and tchoouc, or notary. 
 The audience are entertained throughout the fifth 
 act with a learned consultation of physicians, and 
 if the patient must die, he does it secundum artem^ 
 and always is allowed time to make his will. 
 The celebrated Chow-Chow wtis the completest 
 
CHOW-CHOW. 145 
 
 baud I ever saw at killing himself; he always 
 carried under his robe a bladder of bull's blood, 
 which, when he gave the mortal stab, spirted out 
 to the infinite delight of the audience. Not that 
 the ladies of China are more fond of the sight of 
 blood than those of our own country ; on the con- 
 trary, they are remarkably sensitive in this par- 
 ticular ; and we are told by the great Linkum 
 Fidelius, that the beautiful Ninny Consequa, one 
 of the ladies of the emperor's seraglio, once 
 fainted away on seeing a favorite slave's nose 
 bleed ; since which time, refinement has been car- 
 ried to such a pitch that a buskined hero is not 
 allowed to run himself througii the body in the 
 face of the audience. The immortal Chow-Chow, 
 in conformity to this absurd prejudice, whenever 
 he plays the part of Othello, which is reckoned 
 his masterpiece, always keeps a bold front, stabs 
 himself slyly behind, and is dead before anybody 
 suspects that he has given the mortal blow. 
 
 P. S. — Just as this was going to press, I was 
 informed by Evergreen that Othello had not been 
 performed here the Lord knows when ; no matter, 
 I am not the first that has criticised a play with- 
 out seeing it, and this critique will answer for the 
 last performance, if that was a dozen years ago. 
 
 10 
 
NO. VIL— SATURDAY, APRIL 4, 4807. 
 
 LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELl 
 KHAN, TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE- 
 DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF 
 TRIPOLI. 
 
 PROMISED in a former letter, good 
 Asem, that I would furnish thee with a 
 few hints respecting the nature of the 
 government by which I am held in durance. 
 Though my inquiries for that purpose have been 
 industrious, yet I am not perfectly satisfied with 
 their results ; for thou mayst easily imagine that 
 the vision of a captive is overshadowed by the 
 mists of illusion and prejudice, and the horizon 
 of his speculations must be limited indeed. I 
 find that the people of this country are strangely 
 at a loss to determine the nature and proper char- 
 acter of their government. Even their dervises 
 are extremely in the dark as to this particular, 
 and are continually indulging in the most prepos- 
 terous disquisitions on the subject ; some have in- 
 sisted that it savors of an aristocracy ; others 
 maintain that it is a pure democracy ; and a third 
 set of theorists declare absolutely that it is noth- 
 ing more or less than a mobocracy. The latter, 
 I must confess, though still wide in error, have 
 come nearest to the truth. You of course must 
 
OF GOVERNMENT. 147 
 
 understand the meaumg of these different words, 
 as they are derived from the ancient Greek lan- 
 guage, and bespeak loudly the verbal poverty of 
 these poor infidels, who cannot utter a learned 
 phrase without laying the dead languages under 
 contribution. A man, my dear Asem, who talks 
 good sense in his native tongue, is held in toler- 
 able estimation in this country ; but a fool, who 
 clothes his feeble ideas in a foreign or antique 
 gai'b, is bowed down to as a literary prodigy. 
 While I conversed with these people in plain 
 English, I was but little attended to; but the 
 moment I prosed away in Greek, every one 
 looked up to me with veneration as an oracle. 
 
 Although the dervises differ widely in the par- 
 ticulars above mentioned, yet they all agree in 
 terming their government one of the most pacific 
 in the known world. I cannot help pitying their 
 ignorance, and smiling, at times, to see into what 
 ridiculous errors those nations will wander, who 
 are unenlightened by the precepts of Mahomet, 
 our divine prophet, and uninstructed by the five 
 hundred and forty-nine books of wisdom of the 
 immortal Ibrahim Hassan al Fusti. To call this 
 nation pacific ! Most preposterous ! it reminds 
 me of the title assumed by the sheik of that mur- 
 derous tribe of wild Arabs, that desolate the val- 
 leys of Belsaden, who styles himself " Star of 
 Courtesy — Beam of the Mercy- Seat." 
 
 The simple truth of the matter is, that these 
 people are totally ignorant of their own true 
 character ; for, according to the best of my obser- 
 vation, they are the most warlike, and I must 
 
148 SALMAGUNDI 
 
 say, the most savage nation that I have as yet 
 discovered among all the barbai-ians. They are 
 not only at war, in their own way, with almost 
 every nation on earth, but they are at the same 
 time engaged in the most complicated knot of 
 civil wars that ever infested any poor unhappy 
 country on which Allah has denounced his male- 
 diction ! 
 
 To let thee at once into a secret, which is un- 
 known to these people themselves, their govern- 
 ment is a pure unadulterated logocracy^ or gov- 
 ernment of words. The whole nation does every- 
 thing viva voce, or by word of mouth ; and in this 
 manner is one of the most military nations in 
 existence. Every man who has what is here 
 called the gift of the gab, that is, a plentiful stock 
 of verbosity, becomes a soldier outright ; and is 
 forever in a militant state. The country is en- 
 tirely defended vi et lingua ; that is to say, by 
 force of tongues. The account which I lately 
 wrote to our friend, the snorer, respecting the 
 immense army of six hundred men, makes noth- 
 ing against this observation ; that formidable 
 body being kept up, as I have already observed, 
 only to amuse their fair countrywomen by their 
 splendid appearance and nodding plumes ; and 
 are, by way of distinction, denominated the " de- 
 fenders of the fair." 
 
 In a logocracy thou well knowest there is little 
 or no occasion for fire-arms, or any such de- 
 structive weapons. Every offensive or defensive 
 measure is enforced by wordy battle, and paper 
 war ; he who has the longest tongue or readiest 
 
WORDY BATTLE. 149 
 
 quill is sure to gain tlie victory — will carry hor- 
 ror, abuse, and ink-shed into the very trenches 
 of the enemy ; and, without mercy or remorse, 
 put men, women, and children to the point of 
 the — pen ! 
 
 There is still preserved in this country some 
 remains of that Gothic spirit of knight-errantry 
 wliich so much annoyed the faithful in the middle 
 ages of the lit'gira. As, notwithstanding their 
 martial disposition, they are a people much given 
 to commerce and agriculture, and must, neces- 
 sarily, at certain seasons be engaged in these 
 employments, they have accommodated them- 
 selves by appointing knights, or constant M^ar- 
 riors, incessant brawlers, similar to those who, 
 in former a^es, swore eternal enmity to the fol- 
 lowers of our divine prophet. These knights, 
 denominated editors or slang -whangers, are ap- 
 pointed in every town, village, or district, to 
 carry on both foreign and internal warfare, and 
 may be said to keep up a constant firing " in 
 words." O my friend, could you but witness 
 tlie enormities sometimes committed by these tre- 
 mendous slang-whangers, your very turban would 
 rise with horror and astonishment. I have seen 
 them extend their ravages even into the kitchens 
 of their opponents, and annihilate the very cook 
 with a blast ; and I do assure thee, I beheld one 
 of these warriors attack a most venerable bashaw, 
 and at one stroke of his pen lay him open from 
 the waistband of his breeches to his chin ! 
 
 There lias been a civil war carrying on with 
 ^reat violence for some time past, in consequence 
 
150 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 of a conspiracy, among the higher classes, to 
 dethrone his highness, the present bashaw, and 
 place another in his stead. I was mistakeu when 
 I formerly asserted to thee that this dissatisfac- 
 tion arose from his wearing red breeches. It is 
 true, the nation have long held tiiat color in 
 great detestation, in consequence of a dispute 
 they had some twenty years since with the bar- 
 barians of the British islands. The color, how- 
 ever, is again rising into favor, as the ladies have 
 transferred it to their heads from the bashaw's 
 
 body. The true reason, I am told, is, that 
 
 the bashaw absolutely refuses to believe in the 
 deluge, and in the story of Balaam's ass ; main- 
 taining tliat this animal was never yet permitted 
 to talk except in a genuine logocracy ; where, it 
 is true, his voice may often be heard, and is lis- 
 tened to with reverence, as " the voice of the 
 sovereign people." Nay, so far did he carry his 
 obstinacy, that he absolutely invited a professed 
 antedihivian from the Gallic empire, who illumi- 
 nated the whole country with his principles — 
 and his nose. This was enough to set the nation 
 in a blaze — every slang-whanger resorted to 
 his tongue or his pen ; and for seven years have 
 they carried on a most inhuman war, in which 
 volumes of words have been expended, oceans 
 of ink have been shed, nor has any mercy been 
 shown to age, sex, or condition. Every day 
 have these slang-whangers made furious attacks 
 on each other, and upon their respective adhe- 
 rents ; discharging their heavy artillery, con- 
 sisting of large sheets, loaded with scoundrel! 
 
SLANG- WHANGING. 151 
 
 villain ! liar ! rascal ! numskull ! nincompoop 
 dunderhead ! wiseacre ! blockhead ! jackass ! and 
 I do swear, by my beard, though I know thou 
 wilt scarcely credit me, that in some of these 
 skirmishes the grand bashaw himself has been 
 wofully pelted ! yea, most ignominiously pelted ! 
 and yet have these talking desperadoes escaped 
 without the bastinado ! 
 
 Every now and then a slang-whanger, who 
 has a longer head, or rather a longer tongue than 
 the rest, will elevate his piece and discharge a 
 shot quite across the ocean, leveled at the head 
 of the emperor of France, the king of England, 
 or, wouldst thou believe it, Asem, even at 
 his sublime highness the bashaw of Tripoli! 
 These long pieces are loaded with single ball, or 
 language, as tyrant ! usurper ! robber ! tiger ! 
 monster ! aiid thou mayest well suppose they 
 occasion great distress and dismay in the camps 
 of the enemy, and are marvelously annoying to 
 the crowned heads at which they are directed. 
 The slang-whatiger, though perhaps the mere 
 champion of a village, having fired off his shot, 
 struts about with cjreat self-conjiratulation. chuck- 
 ling at the prodigious bustle he must have occa- 
 sioned, and seems to ask of every stranger, 
 " Well, sir, what do they think of me in Eu- 
 rope?"^ This is sufficient to show you tlie 
 manner in which these bloody, or rather windy 
 
 NOTE, BY WILLLV3I WIZARD, ESQ. 
 
 ^ The sage Mustapba, when he wrote the above paragraph, 
 had probabl}" in his eye the following anecdote, related either 
 
152 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 fellows fight; it is the only mode allowable in a 
 lo»ocracy or government of words. I would 
 also observe that their civil wars have a thousand 
 ramifications. 
 
 While the fury of the battle rages in the 
 metropolis, every little town and village has a 
 distinct broil, growing like excrescences out of 
 the grand national altercation, or rather agitating 
 within it, like those complicated pieces of mecha- 
 nism where there is a " wheel within a wheel." 
 
 But ill nothing is the verbose nature of this 
 government more evident than in its grand na- 
 tional divan, or Congress, where the laws are 
 framed ; this is a blustering, windy assembly, 
 where everything is carried by noise, tumult, 
 and debate ; for thou must know, that the mem- 
 bers of this assembly do not meet together to 
 find wisdom in the multitude of counselors, but 
 to wrangle, call each other hard names, and hear 
 themselves talk. When the Congress opens, the 
 
 by Linkum Fidelius, or Josephus Millerius, vulgarly called 
 Joe Miller, of facetious memon\ 
 
 The captain of a slave-vessel, on his first lauding on the 
 »oast of Guinea, observed under a palm-tree a negro chief, 
 sitting most majestically on a stump; while two women, with 
 M'ooden spoons, were administering his favorite pottage of 
 boiled rice; which, as his imperial majesty was a little 
 greedy, would part of it escape the place of destination and 
 run down his chin. The watchful attendants were particu- 
 larly careful to intercept these scape-grace particles, and re- 
 turn them to their proper port of entry. As the captain ap- 
 proached, in order to admire this curious exhibition of 
 royalty, the great chief clapped his hands to his sides, and 
 saluted his visitor with the following pompous question — 
 " Well, sir! what do they say of me m England? " 
 
ALL TALK AND NO CIDER. 153 
 
 bashaw first sends them a long message, i. c, a 
 huge mass of words — vox et prceterea nihil, aU 
 meaning nothing; because it only tells them 
 what they perfectly know already. Then the 
 whole assembly are thrown into a ferment, and 
 have a long talk about the quantity of words 
 that are to be returned in answer to this mes- 
 sage ; and here arise many disputes about the 
 correction and alteration of " if so he's " and 
 *' how 80 ever's." A month, perhaps, is spent in 
 thus determining the precise number of words 
 the answer shall contain ; and then another, most 
 probably, in concluding whether it shall be car- 
 ried to the bashaw on foot, on horseback, or in 
 coaches. Having settled this weighty matter, 
 they next fall to work upon the message itself, 
 and hold as much chattering over it as so many 
 magpies over an addled ii^^. This done, they 
 divide the message into small portions, and de- 
 liver them into the hands of little juntoes of 
 talkers, called committees ; these juntoes have 
 each a world of talking about their respective 
 paragraphs, and leturn the results to the grand 
 divan, which forthwith falls to and retalks the 
 matter over more earnestly than ever. Now, 
 after all, it is an even chance that the subject 
 of this prodijrious arguing, quarreling, and talk- 
 inuf is an affair of no importance, and ends en- 
 tirely in smoke. May it not then be said, the 
 whole nation have been talking to no purpose ? 
 The people, in fact, seem to be somewhat con- 
 scious of this propensity to talk, by which they 
 are characterized, and have a favorite proverb 
 
154 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 on the subject, viz., " all talk and no cider ; " 
 this is particularly applied when their Congress, 
 or assembly of all the sage chatterers of the 
 nation, have chattered through a whole session, 
 in a time of great peril and momentous event, 
 and have done nothing but exhibit the length of 
 their tongues and the emptiness of their heads. 
 This has been the case more than once, my 
 friend ; and to let thee into a secret, I have been 
 told in confidence, that there liave been abso- 
 lutely several old women smuggled into Congress 
 from different parts of the empire ; who, having 
 once got on the breeches, as thou mayest well 
 imagine, have taken the lead in debate, and over- 
 whelmed the whole assembly with their garru- 
 lity ; for my part, as times go, I do not see why 
 old women should not be as eligible to public 
 councils as old men who possess their disposi- 
 tions ; they certaiidy are eminently possessed of 
 the qualifications requisite to govern in a log- 
 ocracy. 
 
 Nothing, as I have repeatedly insisted, can be 
 done in this country without talking ; but they 
 take so long to talk over a measure, that by the 
 tiine they have determined upon adopting it, the 
 period has elapsed which was proper for carrying 
 it into effect. Unhappy nation ! thus iorn to 
 pieces by intestine talks ! never, I fear, will it be 
 restored to tranquillity and silence. Words are 
 but breath; breath is but air ; and air put into 
 motion is nothing but wind. This vast empire, 
 tlierefore, may be compared to nothing more or 
 less than a mighty windmill, and the orators, and 
 
THE BASE AW. 155 
 
 the chatterers, and the slang-whangers, are the 
 breezes that put it in motion ; unluckily, however, 
 they are apt to blow different ways, and their 
 blasts counteracting each other — the mill is per- 
 plexed, the wlieels stand still, the grist is uuground, 
 and the miller and his family starved. 
 
 Everything partakes of the windy nature of 
 the government. In case of any domestic griev- 
 ance, or an insult from a foreign foe, the people 
 are all in a buzz ; town-meetings are immediately 
 held where the quidnuncs of the city repair, each 
 like an Atlas, with the cares of the whole nation 
 upon his shoulders, each resolutely bent upon sav- 
 ing ids country, and each swelling and strutting 
 like a turkey-cock ; puffed up with words, and 
 wind, and nonsense. After bustling, and buzzing, 
 and bawling for some time, and after each man 
 has shown himself to be indubitably the greatest 
 personage in the meeting, they pass a string of 
 resolutions, i. e. words, which were previously 
 prepared for the purpose ; these resolutions are 
 whimsically denominated the sense of the meet- 
 ing, and are sent off for the instruction of the 
 reigning bashaw, who receives them graciously, 
 puts them into his rt-d breeches pocket, forgets to 
 read them — and so the matter ends. 
 
 As to his highness, the present bashaw, who is 
 at the very top of the logocracy, never was a 
 dignitary better qualified for his station. He is 
 a man of superlative ventosity, and comparable 
 to nothing but a huge bladder of wind. He talks 
 of vanquisiiing all opposition by the force of reason 
 Hud philosophy : throws his gauntlet at all the 
 
156 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 notions of the earth, and defies them to meet 
 him — on the field of argument! Is the national 
 dignity insulted, a case in which his highness of 
 Tripoli would immediately call forth his forces, 
 the bashaw of America — utters a speech. Does 
 a foreio^n invader molest the commerce in the 
 very mouth of the harbors, an insult which would 
 induce his highness of Tripoli to order out 
 his fleets, his highness of America — utters a 
 speech. Are the free citizens of America dragged 
 from on board the vessels of their country, and 
 forcibly detained in the war ships of another — 
 his highness utters a speech. Is a peaceable cit- 
 izen killed by the marauders of a foreign power, 
 on the very shores of his country — his highness 
 utters a speech. Does an alarming insurrection 
 break out in a distant part of the empire — his 
 highness utters a speech ! — nay, more, for here 
 he shows his " energies " — he most intrepidly dis- 
 patches a courier on horseback, and orders him to 
 ride one hundred and twenty miles a da}', with a 
 most formidable army of proclamations, i. e. a 
 collection of words, packed up in his saddle-bags. 
 He is instructed to show no favor nor affection ; 
 but to charge the thickest ranks of the enemy, 
 and to speechify and batter by words the con- 
 spiracy and the conspirators out of existence. 
 Heavens, my friend, what a deal of blustering is 
 here ! It reminds me of a dunghill cock in a farm- 
 yard, who, having accidentally in his scratchings 
 found a worm, immediately begins a most vocifer- 
 ous cackling — calls around him his hen-hearted 
 companions, who run chattering from all quarters 
 
ANCESTRAL SHADES. 157 
 
 to gobble up the poor little worm that happened to 
 turn under his eye. O, Asem ! Asem ! on what a 
 prodigious great scale is everything in this coun- 
 try ! 
 
 Thus, then, I conclude my observations. The 
 infidel nations have each a separate characteristic 
 trait, by vvhicli they may be distinguished from 
 each other ; the Spaniards, for instance, may be 
 said to sleep upon every affair of importance; the 
 Italians to fiddle upon everything ; the French to 
 dance upon everything ; the Germans to smoke 
 upon everything ; the British islanders to eat 
 upon everything ; and the windy subjects of the 
 American logocracy to talk upon everything. 
 
 For ever thine, 
 
 MUSTAPHA. 
 
 FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 
 
 HOW oft in musing mood my heart recalls, 
 From gray-beard father Time's oblivious 
 halls. 
 The modes and maxims of my early day. 
 Long in those dark recesses stow'd away : 
 Drags once more to the cheerful realms of light 
 Those buckram fashions, long since lost in night, 
 And makes, like Endor's witch, once more to rise 
 My grogram grandames to my raptured eyes ! 
 
 Shades of my fathers ! in your pasteboard skirts, 
 Your broidered waistcoats and your plaited shirts, 
 Your formal bag-v\igs — wide-extended cuffs, 
 
158 8ALMAGUNDL 
 
 Your five-inch chitterlings and uine-inch ruffs 
 Gods ! how ye strut, at times, in all your state, 
 Amid the visions of my thoughtful pate ! 
 I see ye move the solemn minuet o'er, 
 The modest foot scarce rising from the floor ; 
 No thundering rigadoon with boisterous* prance. 
 No pigeon-wing disturb your contre-danse. 
 But silent as the gentle Lethe's tide, 
 Adown the festive maze ye peaceful glide ! 
 
 Still in my mental eye each name appears — 
 Each modest beauty of departed years ; 
 Close by mamma I see her stately march, 
 Or sit, Mi d.11 the majesty of starch ; — 
 When for the dance a stranger seeks her hand. 
 I see her doubting, hesitating stand ; 
 Yield to his claim with most fastidious grace. 
 And sigh for her intended in his place ! 
 
 Ah ! golden days ; when every gentle fair 
 On sacred Sabbath conn'd with pious care 
 Her Holy Bible, or her prayer-book o'er. 
 Or studied honest Bunyan's drowsy lore ; 
 Travell'd with him the " Pilgrim's Progress '* 
 
 through, 
 And storm'd the famous town of Man-soul too : — 
 Beat Eye and Ear-gate up with thundering jar. 
 And fought triumphant through the " Holy War ;** 
 Or if, perchance, to lighter work? inclined. 
 They sought with novels to relax the mind, 
 'Tvvas *' Grandison's politely " formal page, 
 Or '' Clelia " or " Pamela " were the rage. 
 
 No plays were then — theatrics were un- 
 known — 
 A learned pig, a dancing monkey shown, 
 
MODERN BELLES. 159 
 
 The feats of Punch, a cunning juggler's sleight. 
 Were sure to fill each bosom with delight. 
 An honest, simple, humdrum race we were, 
 Undazzled yet by fashion's wildering glare ; 
 Our manners unreserved, devoid of guile, 
 We knew not then the modern monster. Style : 
 Style, that with pride each empty bosom swells, 
 Puffs boys to manliood, little girls to belles. 
 
 Scarce from the nursery freed, our gentle fair 
 Are yielded to the dancing-master's care ; 
 And, ere the head one mite of sense can gain, 
 Are introduced 'mid folly's frippery train. 
 A stranger's grasp no longer gives alarms. 
 Our fair surrender to their very arms. 
 And in the insidious waltz ^ will swim and twine, 
 And whirl and languish tenderly divine ! 
 O, how I hate this loving, hugging dance ; 
 This imp of Germany brought up in France : 
 Nor can I see a niece its windings trace, 
 But all the honest blood glows in my face. 
 " Sad, sad refinement this," I often say ; 
 *Tis modesty indeed refined away ! 
 Let France its whim, its sparkling wit supply, 
 The easy grace that captivates the eye ; 
 But curse their waltz — their loose, lascivious arts, 
 " That smooth our manners, to corrupt our 
 
 hearts ! " 2 
 Where now those books, from which in days of 
 
 yore 
 Our mothers gained their literary store ? 
 Alas ! stifF-skirted Grandison gives place 
 To novels of a new and rakish race ; 
 And honest Bunyan's pious dreaming lore, 
 
160 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 To the lascivious rhapsodies of Moore. 
 And, last of all, behold the mimic stage, 
 Its morals lead to polish off the age ; 
 With flimsy farce, a comedy miscall'd, 
 Garnished with vulgar cant, and proverbs bald, 
 With puns most puny, and a plenteous store 
 Of smutty jokes, to catch a gallery roar. 
 Or see, more fatal, graced with every art 
 To charm and captivate the female heart, 
 The false, '' the gallant, gay Lothario " smiles. ^ 
 And loudly boasts his base seductive wiles — 
 In glowing colors paint Calista's wrongs, 
 And with voluptuous scenes the tale prolongs. 
 When Cooper lends his fascinating powers, 
 Decks vice itself in bright alluring flowers, 
 Pleased with his maidy grace, his youthful fire, 
 Our fair are lured the villain to admire ; 
 While humbler virtue, like a stalkino- horse. 
 Struts clumsily and croaks in honest Morse. 
 
 Ah, hapless days ! when trials thus combined, 
 In pleasing garb assail the female mind ; 
 When every smooth, insidious snare is spread 
 To sap the morals and delude the head ! 
 Not Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-neoro, 
 To prove their faith and virtue here below, 
 Could more an angel's helping hand require 
 To guide their steps uninjured through the fire, 
 Where had but heaven its guardian aid denied, 
 The holy trio in the proof had died. 
 If, then, their manly vigor sought supplies 
 From the bright stranger in celestial guise, 
 Alas ! can we from feebler natures claim, 
 To brave seduction's ordeal, free from blame ; 
 
THE WALTZ. 161 
 
 To pass through fire unhurt like golden ore, 
 Though ANGEL MISSIONS bless the earth no 
 more ! 
 
 NOTES, BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 
 
 1 Waltz.] As many of the retired matrons of this city, un- 
 skilled in " gestic lore " are doubtless ignorant of the move- 
 ments and tigures of this modest exhibition, I will endeavor 
 to give some account of it, in order that they may learn what 
 odd capers their daughters sometimes cut when from under 
 their guardian wings. 
 
 On a signal being given by the music, the gentleman seizes 
 the lad}'' round her waist ; the lady scorning to be outdone in 
 courtesy, very politely takes the gentleman round the neck, 
 with one arm resting against his shoulder to prevent encroach- 
 ments. Away then they go, about, and about, and about — 
 "About M'hat, sir ? " — about the room, madam, to be sure. 
 The whole economy of this dance consists in turning round 
 and round the room in a certain measured step : and it is 
 truly astonishing that this continued revolution does not set 
 all their heads swimming like a top ; but I have been posi- 
 tivel}' assured that it only occasions a gentle sensation which 
 is marvelously agreeable. In the course of this circumnav- 
 igation, the dancers, in order to give the charm of variety, 
 are continually changing their relative situations ; — now the 
 gentleman, meaning no harm in the world, I assure you, 
 madam, carelessly flings his arm about the lady's neck, with 
 an air of celestial impudence, and anon the lady, meaning* as 
 little harm as the gentleman, takes him round the waist with 
 most ingenuous modest languishment, to the great delight of 
 numerous spectators and amateurs, who generally form a 
 ring, as the mob do about a pair of amazons pulling caps, or 
 a couple of fighting mastiffs. 
 
 After continuing this divine interchange of hands, arms, et 
 caetera, for half an hour or so, the lady begins to tire, and 
 Mrith " eyes upraised," in most bewitching languor, petitions 
 
1G2 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 her partner for a little more support. This is always g\\vi\ 
 without hesitation. The lady leans gently on his shoulder, 
 their arms entwine in a ihoiisand seducing, mischievous 
 curves — don't be alarmed, madam — closer and closer they 
 approach each other, and in conclusion, the parties being 
 overcome with ecstatic fatigue, the lady seems almost sinking 
 into the gentleman's arms, and then — " Well, sir! and what 
 thenV" — Lord, madam, how should I know? 
 
 2.] My friend Pindar, and in fact our whole junto, has 
 been accused of an unreasonable hostility to the French na- 
 tion; and I am informed by a Parisian correspondent, that 
 our first number played the very devil in the court of St. 
 Cloud. His imperial majesty got into a most outrageous 
 passion, and being withal a waspish little gentleman, had 
 nearly kicked his bosom friend, Talleyrand, out of the cabi- 
 net, in paroxysms of his wrath. He insisted upou it that 
 the nation was assailed in its most vital part, being, like 
 Achilles, extremely sensitive to any attacks upon the heel. 
 When my correspondent sent otf his dispatches., it was still 
 in doubt what measures would be adopted; but it "was 
 strongly suspected that vehement representations would be 
 made to our government. Willing, therefore, to save our 
 Executive from any embarrassment on ihe subject, and above 
 all, from the disagreeable alternative of sending an apology 
 by the " Hornet," we do assure ]\Ir. Jeflerson that there is 
 nothing further from our thoughts than the subversion of the 
 Gallic empire, or any attack on the interests, tranquillity, or 
 reputation of the nation at large, which we seriously declare 
 possesses the highest rank in our estimation. Nothing less 
 than the national welfare could have induced us to trouble 
 ourselves with this explanation; and in the name of the 
 junto, 1 once more declare, that when we toast a Frenchman, 
 we merely mean one of these inconnus, who swarmed to this 
 country from the kitchens and barbers' shops of Nantz, Bor- 
 deaux, and Marseilles — played game of leap-frog at all our 
 balls and assemblies — set this unhappy town hopping mad, 
 and passed themselves off on our tender-hearted damsels for 
 unfortunate noblemen, ruined in the revolution! Such only 
 can wince at the lash, and accuse us of severity; and we 
 
FAIR PENITENTS. 163 
 
 should be mortifie*^ in the extreme if they did not feel otir 
 well-intended castigation. 
 
 3 Fair Penitent.'] The story of this play, if told in its na- 
 tive language, would exhibit a scene of guilt and shame 
 which no modest ear could listen to without shrinking with 
 disgust; but, arrayed as it is, in all the splendor of harmo- 
 nious, rich, and polished verse, it steals into the heart like 
 some ga)', luxurious, smooth-faced villain, and betrays it in- 
 sensibly to immorality and vice; our very sympathy is en- 
 listed on the side of guilt; and the piety of Altamont, and 
 the gentleness of Lavinia, are lost in the splendid debaucher- 
 ies of 'the "gallant, gay Lothario," and the blustering, hollow 
 repentance of the fair Calista, whose sorrow reminds us of 
 that of Pope's Heloise — "I mourn the lover, not lament the 
 fault." Nothing is more easy than to banish such plays from 
 our stage Were our ladies, instead of crowding to see thein 
 again and again repeated, to discourage their exhibition by 
 absence, the stage would soon be indeed the school of morality, 
 and the number of "Fair Penitents," in all probability, 
 diminish. 
 
NO. VIII.— SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 1807. 
 
 BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 
 
 *' In all thy humors, whether grave or mellow, 
 Thou'rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow ; 
 Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen about thee, 
 There is no living with thee — nor without thee." 
 
 EVER, in the memory of the oldest in- 
 habitant, has there been known a more 
 backward spring." This is the univer- 
 sal remark among the almanac quidnuncs, and 
 weather-wiseacres of the day ; and I have heard 
 it at least fifty-five times from old Mrs. Cock- 
 loft, who, poor woman, is one of those walking 
 almanacs that foretell every snow, rain, or frost, 
 by the shooting of corns, a pain in the bones, or 
 an " ugly stitch in the side." I do not recollect, 
 in the whole course of my life, to have seen the 
 month of March indulge in such untoward ca- 
 pers, caprices, and coquetries, as it has done this 
 year ; I might have forgiven these vagaries, had 
 they not completely knocked up my friend Lang- 
 statF; whose feelings are ever at the mercy of a 
 weathercock, whose spirits sink and rise with the 
 mercury of a barometer, and to whom an east 
 wind is as obnoxious as a Sicilian sirocco. He 
 was tempted some time since, by the fineness of 
 the weather, to dress himself with more than or- 
 
LANGSTAFF ON NATURE. 165 
 
 dinary care, and take his morning stroll ; but 
 before he had half finished his peregrination, he 
 was utterly discomfited, and driven home by a 
 tremendous squall of wind, hail, rain, and snow, 
 or, as he testily termed it, "a most villainous 
 congregation of vapors." 
 
 This was too much for the patience of friend 
 Launcelot ; he declared he would humor the 
 weather no longer in its whimwhams ; and, ac- 
 cording to his immemorial custom on these occa- 
 sions, retreated in high dudgeon to his elbow- 
 chair to lie in of the spleen and lail at nature 
 for being so fantastical : " Confound the jade," 
 he frequently exclaims, "what a pity Nature had 
 not been of the masculine instead of the fem- 
 inine gender ; the almanac-makers might then 
 have calculated with some dt^gree of certainty." 
 
 When LangstafF invests himself with the 
 spleen, and gives audience to the blue devils 
 from his elbow-chair, 1 would not advise any of 
 his friends to come within gun-shot of his citadel 
 with the benevolent purpose of administering 
 consolation or amusement ; for he is then as 
 crusty and crabbed as that famous coiner of false 
 money, Diogenes himself. Indeed his room is at 
 such times inaccessible ; and old Pompey is the 
 only soul that can gain admission, or ask a ques- 
 tion with impunity ; the truth is, that on these 
 occasions there is not a straw's difference be- 
 tween them, for Pompey is as grum and grim 
 and cynical as his master. 
 
 Launcelot has now been above three weeks in 
 this desolate situation, and has, therefore, had but 
 
166 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 little to do III our last immbor. As he could not 
 be prevailed oii to i^Ive any aeeount of lihnself 
 in our hitroduction, 1 will take the opportunity 
 of hivS conlinement, while his baek is turned, to 
 fjive a slight sketeh ot" his ehara(!ter — fertile in 
 whiinwhanis and bachelorisms, but rich in many 
 of the sterling qualities of our nature. An- 
 nexed to this article, our readers will perceive a 
 striking likeness of my friend which was taken 
 by that cunning rogue. Will Wizard, who peeped 
 through the key-hole and sketched it off, as hon- 
 est Launcelot sat by the tire, wrapped up in his 
 flannel robe de chaiuhrc, anil induliiing in a mor- 
 tal lit of tlu> hi/p. Now take my word for it, gen- 
 tle reader, this is the most auspicious moment in 
 which to touch olV the phiz of a genuine humor- 
 ist. 
 
 Of the antiquity of the Langstaff family I can 
 say but little; except that I have no doubt it is 
 equal to that of most families who have the 
 privilege of making their own pedigree, without 
 the impertinent interposition of a college of 
 heralds. ]My friend Launcelot is not a man to 
 blazon anything ; but 1 have heard him talk 
 with great complacency of his ancestor, Sir 
 Rowland, who was a dashing buck in the days 
 ot llardiktuitc, and broke the head of a irijiantic 
 Dane, at a game of quarter-staff, in presence of 
 the whole court. In memory of this gallant ex- 
 ploit, Sir Rowland was permitted to take the 
 name of Langstoffc, and to assume as a crest to 
 his arms a hand grasping a cudgel. It is, how- 
 ever, a foible so ridiculously common in this 
 
LANGSTAFrS PJCCULIARfTIES. 167 
 
 country for people to claim consanguinity with 
 all the great personages of their own name in 
 Europe, tliat I should put but little fuitli in this 
 family boast of friend Langstaff, did I not i^now 
 him to be a man of most unquestionable veracity. 
 
 The whole world knows already that my friend 
 is a bachelor ; for he is, or pretends to be, exceed- 
 ingly proud of his personal independence, and 
 takes care to make it k?iown in all companies 
 where strangers are present. Pie is forever 
 vaunting the precious state of " single blessed- 
 ness," and was, not long ago, considerably startled 
 at a proposition of one of his great favorites, Miss 
 Sophy Sparkle, "that old bachelors should be 
 taxed as luxuries.*' Launcelot immediately hied 
 him home, and wrote a tremendous long represen- 
 tation in their behalf, which I am resolved to pub- 
 lish if it is ever attempted to carry the measure 
 into operation. Whether he is sincere in these 
 professions, or whetiier his present situation is 
 owing to choice or disappointment, he only can 
 tell ; but if he ever does tell, I will suffer myself 
 to be shot by the first lady's eye that can twang 
 an arrow. In his youth he was forever in love ; 
 but it was his misfortune to be continually crossed 
 and rivaled by his bosom friend and contemporary 
 beau, Pindar Cockloft, P2sq., for as Langstaff' never 
 made a confidant on these occasions, his friends 
 never knew which way his affections pointed ; 
 and so, between them both, the lady generally 
 slipped through their fingers. 
 
 It has ever been the misfortune of Launcelot, 
 that he could not for the soul of him restrain a 
 
168 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 good thing; and this fatah'ty has drawn upon 
 him the ill-will of many whom he would not 
 have offended for the world. With the kindest 
 heart under heaven, and the most benevolent dis- 
 position under heaven toward every being around 
 him, he has been continually betrayed by the 
 mischievous vivacity of his fancy, and the good- 
 humored waggery of his feelings, into satirical 
 sallies which have been treasured up by the in- 
 vidious, and retailed out with the bitter sneer of 
 malevolence, instead of the playful hilarity of 
 countenance which originally sweetened and tem- 
 pered and disarmed them of their sting. These 
 misrepresentations have gained him many re- 
 proaches and lost him many a friend. 
 
 This unlucky characteristic played the mivS- 
 chief with him in one of his love affairs. He 
 was, as 1 have before observed, often opposed in 
 his gallantries by that formidable rival, Pindar 
 Cockloft, Esq., and a most formidable rival he 
 was ; for he had Apollo, the nine muses, together 
 with all the joint tenants of Olympus, to back 
 him ; and everybody knows what important con- 
 federates they are to a lover. Poor Launcelot 
 stood no chance ; the lady was cooped up in the 
 poet's corner of every weekly paper ; and at 
 length Pindar attacked her with a sonnet, that 
 took up a whole column, in which he enumerated 
 at least a dozen cardinal virtues, together with 
 mnumerable others of inferior consideration. 
 Launcelot saw his case was desperate, and that 
 unless he sat down forthwith, be-cherubimed 
 and be-angeled her to the skies, and put every 
 
A GREAT MISFORTUNE. 169 
 
 virtue under the sun in requisition, he might as 
 well go hang himself, and so make an end of the 
 business. At it, therefore, he went ; and was 
 going on very swimmingly, for in the space of a 
 dozen lines he had enlisted under her command 
 at least three-score and ten substantial house- 
 keeping virtues, when unluckily for Launcelot's 
 reputation as a poet and the lady's as a saint, 
 one of those confounded orood thou^fhts struck 
 his laucrhter-lovins brain — it was irresistible ; 
 away he went, full sweep before the wind, cut- 
 ting and slashing, and tickled to death with his 
 own fun ; the consequence was, that by the time 
 he had finished, never was poor lady so most 
 ludicrously lampooned since lampooning came 
 into fashion. But this was not half; so hugely 
 was Launcelot pleased with this frolic of his 
 wits, that nothing would do but he must shovv it 
 to the lady, who, as well she might, was mortally 
 offended, and forbid him her presence. My 
 friend was in despair, but, through the interfer- 
 ence of his generous rival, was permitted to 
 make his apology, which, however, most unluck- 
 ily happened to be rather worse tlian the original 
 offense ; for though he had studied aji eloquent 
 compliment, yet, as ill luck would have it, a 
 most preposterous whim wham knocked at his 
 pericranium, and inspired him to say some con- 
 summate good things, which, all put together, 
 amounted to a downright hoax, and provoked 
 the lady's wrath to such a degree, that sentence 
 of eternal banishment was awarded against him. 
 Launcelot was inconsolable, and determined in 
 
170 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 the true style of novel heroics to make the tour 
 of Europe, and endeavor to lose the recollection 
 of this misfortune amongst the gayeties of France 
 and the' classic charms of Italy; he accordingly 
 took passage in a vessel, and pursued his voyage 
 prosperously as f\ir as Sandy Hook, where he 
 was seized with a violent fit of sea-sickness; at 
 which he was so affronted that he put iiis port- 
 manteau into the first pilot-boat, and returned to 
 town completely cured of his love and his rage 
 for travelling. 
 
 I pass over the subsequent amours of ray 
 friend Langstaff, being but little acquainted with 
 them ; for, as I have already mentioned, lie never 
 was known to make a confidant of anybody. 
 He always affirmed that a man must be a fool 
 to fall in love, but an idiot to boast of it; ever 
 denominated it the villainous passion ; lamented 
 that it could not be cudgeled out of the human 
 heart ; and yet could no more live without being 
 in love with somebody or other than he could 
 without whimwhams. 
 
 My friend Launcelot is a man of excessive 
 irritability of nerve, and I am acquainted with 
 no one so susceptible of the petty " miseries of 
 human life;" yet its keener evils and misfor- 
 tunes he bears without shrinking, and however 
 they may prey in secret on his happiness, he 
 never complains. This was strikingly evinced in 
 an affair where his heart was deeply and irrevo- 
 cably concerned, and in which his success was 
 ruined by one for whom he had long cherished a 
 warm friendship. The circumstance cut poor 
 
ANTIPATHIES. 171 
 
 Langstaff to tlie very soul ; he was not seen in 
 company for months afterward, and for a long 
 time he seemed to retire within himself, and bat- 
 tle with the poignancy of his feelings ; but not a 
 murmur or a reproach was heard to fall from his 
 lips, though, at the mention of his friend's name, 
 a shade of melancholy might be observed steal- 
 ing across his face, and his voice assumed a 
 touching tone, that seemed to say he remembered 
 his treachery " more in sorrow than in anger." 
 This affair has given a slight tinge of sadness to 
 his disposition, which, however, does not prevent 
 his entering into the amusements of the world ; 
 the only effect it occasions is, that you may occa- 
 sionally observe him, at the end of a lively con- 
 versation, sink for a few minutes into an apparent 
 forgetfulness of surrounding objects, during which 
 time he seems to be indulging in some melancholy 
 retrospection. 
 
 Langstaff inherited from his father a love of 
 literature, a disposition for castle-building, a mor- 
 tal enmity to noise, a sovereign antipathy to cold 
 weather and brooms, and a plentiful stock of 
 whimwhams. From t!ie delicacy of his nerves 
 he is peculiarly sensible to discordant sounds; 
 the rattling of a wheelbarrow is •' horrible ; " the 
 noise of children "diives him distracted;" and 
 he once left excellent lodgings merely because 
 the lady of the house wore high-heeled shoes, in 
 which she clattered up and down stairs, till, to 
 use his own emphatic expression, " they made 
 life loathsome " to him. He suffers annual mar- 
 tyrdom from the razor-edged zephyrs of our 
 
172 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 " balmy spring," and solemnly declares that the 
 boasted month of May has become a perfect 
 " vagabond." As some people have a great an- 
 tipathy to cats, and can tell when one is locked 
 up in a closet, so Launcelot declares his feelings 
 always announce to him the neighborhood of a 
 broom — a household implement which he abomi- 
 nates above all others. Nor is there any living 
 animal in the world that he holds in more utter 
 abhorrence than what is usually termed a notable 
 housewife ; a pestilent being, who, he protests, 
 is the bane of goodfellowsliip, and has a heavy 
 charge to answer for the many offenses commit- 
 ted against the ease, comfort, and social enjoy- 
 ments of sovereign man. He told me, not lorig 
 ago, " that he had rather see one of the weird 
 sisters flourish through his keyhole on a broom- 
 stick, than one of tlie servant-maids enter the 
 door with a besom." 
 
 My friend Launcelot is ardent and sincere in 
 his attachments, which are confined to a chosen 
 few, in whose society he loves to give free scope 
 to his whimsical imagination ; he, however, 
 mingles freely with the world, though more as a 
 spectator than an actor ; and without an anxiety, 
 or hardly a care to please, is generally received 
 with welcome and listened to with complacency. 
 When he extends his hand, it is in a free, open, 
 liberal style ; and when you shake it, you feel 
 his honest heart throb in its pulsations. Though 
 rather fond of gay exhibitions, he does not appear 
 so frequently at balls and assemblies since the 
 introduction of the drum, trumpet, and tambour- 
 
ON STYLE. 173 
 
 ine ; all of which he abhors on account of the 
 rude attack they make on his organs of hearing : 
 in short, such is his antipathy to noise, that 
 though exceedingly patriotic, yet he retreats 
 every Fourth of July to Cockloft Hall, in order 
 to get out of the way of the hubbub and confu- 
 sion whi(;h make so considerable a part of the 
 pleasure of that splendid anniversary. 
 
 I intend this article as a mere sketch of Lans- 
 staff's multifarious character ; his innumerable 
 whimwhams will be exhibited by himself, in the 
 course of this work, in all their strange varieties ; 
 and the machinery of his mind, more intricate 
 than the most subtile piece of clock-work, be 
 fully explained. And trust me, gentle folk, his 
 are the whimwhams of a courteous gentleman, 
 full of most excellent qualities ; honorable in his 
 disposition, independent in his sentiments, and of 
 unbounded good nature, as may be seen through 
 all his works. 
 
 ON STYLE. 
 
 BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 
 
 Style, a manner of writing; title; pin of a dial; the pistil 
 of plants. — Johnson. 
 
 Style, is style. — LinJcum Fiddius. 
 
 NOW I would not give a straw for either of 
 the above definitions, though I think the 
 latter is by far the most satisfactory ; and I do 
 
174 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 wish sincerely every modern numskull, wiio takes 
 hold, of a subject he knows nothing about, would 
 adopt honest Linkum's mode of explanation. 
 Blair's Lectures on this article have not thrown 
 a whit more light on tiie subject of my inquiries ; 
 ihey puzzled me just as much as did the learned 
 and laborious expositions and illustrations of the 
 worthy professor of our college, in the middle of 
 which I generally had the ill luck to fall asleep. 
 
 This same word Style, though but a diminutive 
 word, assumes to itself more contradictions, and 
 significations, and eccentricities, than any mono- 
 syllable in the language is legitimately entitled 
 to. It is an arrant little humorist of a word, 
 and full of whimwhams, which occasions me to 
 like it hugely ; but it puzzled me most wickedly on 
 my first return from a long residence abroad, hav- 
 ing crept into fashionable use during my absence; 
 and had it not been for friend Evercrreen, and 
 that thrifty sprig of knowledge, Jeremy Cocklofl 
 the younger, I should have remained to this day 
 ignorant of its meanino:. 
 
 Though it would seem that the people of all 
 countries are equally vehement in the pursuit of 
 this phantom, style, yet in almost all of them 
 there is a strange diversity in opinion as to what 
 constitutes its essence ; and every different class, 
 like the pagan nations, adore it under a different 
 form. In England, for instance, an honest cit 
 packs up himself, his family and his style, in a 
 buggy or tim-whisky, and rattles away on Sunday 
 with his fair partner blooming beside him, like 
 an eastern bride, and two chubby children, squat- 
 
THE STYLE. 175 
 
 tinjir like Chinese images at his feet. A baronet 
 requires a chariot and pair; a lord must needs 
 have a barouche and four; but a duke — O! a 
 duke cannot possibly lumber his style along under 
 a coach and six, and half a score of footmen into 
 the bargain. In China a })uissant Mandarin 
 loads at least three elephants with style ; and an 
 overgrown sheep at the Cape of Good Hope, 
 trails along his tail and his style on a wheelbarrow. 
 In Egypt, or at Constantinople, style consists in 
 the quantity of fur and fine clothes a lady can 
 put on without danger of suffocation ; here it is 
 otherwise, and consists in the quantity she can 
 put off without the risk of freezing. A Chinese 
 lady is thought prodigal of her charms if she ex- 
 pose the tip of her nose, or the ends of her 
 lingers, to the ardent gaze of bystanders ; and I 
 recollect that all Canton was in a buzz in con- 
 sequence of the great belle, Miss Nangfous, peep- 
 insf out of the window with her face uncovered ! 
 Here the style is to show not otdy the face, but 
 the neck, shoulders, etc. ; and a lady never pre- 
 sumes to hide them except when she is not " at 
 home," and not sufficiently undressed to see com- 
 pany. 
 
 This style has ruined the peace and harmony 
 of many a worthy household ; for no sooner do 
 they set up for style, but instantly all the honest 
 old comfortable saiis ceremonie furniture is dis- 
 carded ; and you stalk cautiously about, amongst 
 the uncomfortable splendor of Grecian chairs, 
 Egyptian tables, Turkey carpets, and Etruscan 
 vases. Tills vast improvement in furniture de- 
 
176 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 maiids an increase in the domestic establishment; 
 and a family that once required two or three ser- 
 vants for convenience, now employs half a dozen 
 for style. 
 
 Bell Brazen, late favorite of my unfortunate 
 friend Dessalines, was one of these patterns of 
 style ; and whatever freak she was seized with, 
 however preposterous, was implicitly followed by 
 all who would be considered as admitted in the 
 stylish arcana. Slie was once seized with a 
 whimwham that tickled the whole court. She 
 could not lay down to take an afternoon's loll, 
 but she must have one servant to scratch her 
 head, two to tickle her feet, and a fourth to fan 
 her delectable person while she slumbered. The 
 thing took — it became the rage, and not a sable 
 belle in all Hayti but what insisted upon being 
 fanned, and scratched, and tickled in the true im- 
 perial style. Sneer not at this picture, my most 
 excellent townswomen, for who among you but 
 are daily following fashions equally absurd ? 
 
 Style, accordingly to Evergreen's account, con- 
 sists in certain fashions, or certain eccentricities, 
 or certain manners of certain people, in certain 
 situations, and possessed of a certain share of 
 fashion or importance. A red cloak, for instance, 
 on the shoulders of an old market-woman is re- 
 garded with contempt it is vulgar, it is odious : 
 fling, however, its usurping rival, a red shawl, 
 over the fine figure of a fashionable belle, and let 
 her flame away with it in Broadway, or in a ball- 
 room, and it is immediately declared to be the 
 style. 
 
NEW-MADE FASHIONABLES. 177 
 
 The modes of attaining this certain situation, 
 which entitle its holder to style, are various and 
 opposite : the most ostensible is the attainment of 
 wealth, the possession of which changes at once 
 the pert airs of vuglar ignorance into fashionable 
 ease and elegant vivacity. It is highly amusing 
 to observe the gradation of a family aspiring to 
 style, and the devious windings they pursue in 
 order to attain it. While beating up against wind 
 and tide, they are the most complaisant beings 
 in the world ; they keep " booing and booing," as 
 M'Sycophant says, until you would suppose them 
 incapable of standing upright ; they kiss their 
 hands to everybody who has the least claim to 
 style ; their familiarity is intolerable, and they 
 absolutely overwhelm you with their friendship 
 and loving kindness. But having once gained 
 the envied preeminence, never were beings in 
 the world more changed. They assume the most 
 intolerable caprices : at one time, address you with 
 importunate sociability ; at another, pass you by 
 with silent indifference ; sometimes sit up in their 
 chairs in all the majesty of dignified silence ; and 
 at another time bounce about with all the obstrep- 
 erous ill-bred noise of a little hoyden just broke 
 loose from a boarding-school. 
 
 Another feature which distinguishes these new- 
 made fashionables, is the inveteracy with which 
 they look down upon the honest people who are 
 struggling to climb up to the same envied height. 
 They never fail to salute them with the most 
 sarcastic reflections; and like so many worthy 
 hodmen, clambering a ladder, each one looks down 
 12 
 
178 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 upon his next neighbor below, and makes no 
 scruple of shaking the dust off his shoes into his 
 eyes. Thus by dint of perse vei'ance, merely, 
 they come to be considered as established denizens 
 of the great world ; as in some barbarous nations 
 an oyster shell is of sterling value, and a copper 
 washed counter will pass current for genuine 
 gold. 
 
 In no instance have I seen this grasping after 
 style more whimsically exhibite<l, than in the 
 family of my old acquaintance, Timothy Giblet, 
 I recollect old Giblet when I was a boy, and he 
 was the most surly curmudgeon I ever knew. 
 He was a perfect scarecrow to the small-fry of 
 the day, and inherited the hatred of all these un- 
 lucky little shavei's : for never could we assemble 
 about his door of an evening to play, and make 
 a little hubbub, but out he sallied from his nest 
 like a spider, flourished his formidable horsewhip, 
 and dispersed the whole crew in the twinkling of 
 a lamp. I perfectly remember a bill he sent in 
 to my father for a pane of glass [ had accidentally 
 broken, which came well-ni^h gettinsf me a sound 
 flogging; and I remember as perfiBCtly that the 
 next night I revenged myself by breaking half 
 a dozen. 
 
 Giblet was as arrant a grubworm as ever 
 crawled ; and the only rules of right and wrong 
 he cared a button for, were the rules of multipli- 
 cation and addition, which he practiced much 
 more successfully than he did any of the rules 
 of religion or morality. He used to declare they 
 were the true golden rules ; and he took special 
 
THE GIBLET FAMILY. 179 
 
 care to put Cocker's arithmetic in the hands of 
 bis children, before they had read ten pages in 
 the Bible or the Prayer-book. The practice of 
 these favorite maxims was at length crowned 
 with the harvest of success ; and after a life 
 of self-denial atid starvation, and after enduring 
 all the pounds, shillings, and pence miseries of a 
 miser, he had the satisfaction of seeing himself 
 worth a plum, and of dying just as he had deter- 
 termined to enjoy the remainder of his days in 
 contemplating his great wealth and accumulating 
 mortgages. 
 
 His children inherited his money ; but they 
 buried the disposition, and every other memorial 
 of their father, in his grave. Fired with a noble 
 thirst for style, they instantly.emerged from the 
 retired lane in which themselves and their ac- 
 complishments had hitherto been buried ; and 
 they blazed, and they whizzed, and they cracked 
 about town, like a nest of squibs and devils in a 
 fire-work. I can liken their sudden eclat to noth- 
 ing but that of the locust, which is hatched in 
 the dust, where it increases and swells up to ma- 
 turity, and after feeling for a moment the vivify- 
 ing rays of the sun, bursts forth a mighty insect, 
 and flutters, and rattles, and buzzes from eveiy 
 tree. The little warblers who have long cheered 
 the woodlands with their dulcet notes, are stunned 
 by the discordant racket of these upstart in- 
 truders, and contemplate, in contemptuous silence, 
 their tinsel and their noise. 
 
 Having once started, the Giblets were deter- 
 mined that nothing should stop them in their 
 
180 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 career, «i)til they had run their full course, and 
 arrived at the very tip top of style. Every 
 tailor, every shoemaker, every coachmaker, every 
 milliner, every mantau maker, every paper- 
 hanger, every piano teacher, and every dancing- 
 master in the city, were enlisted in theii- service ; 
 and the willing wights most courteously an- 
 Bwered their call ; and fell to work to build up 
 the fame of the Giblets, as they had done that 
 of many an aspiring family before them. In a 
 little time the young ladies could dance the waltz, 
 thunder Lodoiska, murder French, kill time, and 
 commit violence on the face of nature in a land- 
 scape in water-colors, equal to the best lady in 
 the land ; and the young gentlemen were seen 
 lounging at corners of streets, and driving tan- 
 dem ; heard talking loud at the theatre, and 
 laughing in chiu'ch, with as much ease, and 
 grace, and modesty, as if they had been gentle- 
 men all the days of their lives. 
 
 And the Giblets arrayed themselves in scarlet, 
 and in fine linen, and seated themselves in high 
 places ; but nobody noticed them except to honor 
 them with a little contempt. The Giblets made 
 a prodigious splash in their own opinion ; but 
 nobody extolled them except the tailors, and the 
 milliners who had been employed in manufac- 
 turing their pharaphernalia. The Giblets there- 
 upon being, like Caleb Quotem, determined to 
 have " a place at the review," fell to work more 
 fiercely than ever ; they gave dinners, and they 
 gave balls, they hired cooks, they hired fiddlers, 
 they hired confectioners ; and they would have 
 
GETTING INTO NOTICE. 181 
 
 kept a newspaper in pay, had they not all been 
 bought up at that time for the election. They 
 invited the dancing-men and the dancing-women, 
 and the gormandizers, and the epicures of the 
 city, to come and make merry at their expense ; 
 and the dancing-men and the dancing-women, 
 and the epicures, and the gormandizers did 
 come ; and they did make merry at their ex- 
 pense ; and they eat, and tliey drank, and they 
 capered, and they danced, and they — laughed 
 at their entertainers. 
 
 Then commenced the hurry and the bustle, 
 and the miglity nothingness of fashionable life ; 
 such rattling in coaches ! sucli flaunting in the 
 streets! such slamming of box doors at the the- 
 atre ! such a tempest of bustle and unmeaning 
 noise wherever they appeared ! The Giblets 
 were seen here and there and everywhere ; they 
 visited everybody they knew, and everybody 
 they did not know ; and there was no getting 
 along for the Giblets. Their plan at length suc- 
 ceeded. By dint of dinners, of feeding and 
 frolicking the town, the Giblei familv worked 
 themselves into notice, and enjoyt d the ineffable 
 pleasure of being forever pestered by visitoi'S 
 who cared nothing about them ; of being 
 squeezed, and smothered, and parboiled at nightly 
 balls and evening tea-parties ; they were allowed 
 the privilege of forgetting the very few old 
 friends they once possessed ; they turned their 
 noses up in the wind at everything that was not 
 genteel; and their superb manners and sublime 
 affectation at length left it no lono^er a matter of 
 doubt that the Giblets were perfectly \\\ style. 
 
182 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 -" Being, as it were, a small contentmente 
 
 in a never contenting subjecte; a bitter pleas- 
 aunte taste of a sweete seasoned sower ; and, all 
 in all, a more than ordiiiarie rejoycing, in an ex- 
 traordinarie sorrow of delyghts." — 
 
 Link. Fidelius. 
 
 WE have been considerably edified of late 
 by several letters of advice from a num- 
 ber of sage correspondents, who really seem to 
 know more about our work than we do oui'selves. 
 One warns us against saying anything more 
 about 'Sbidlikens, who is a very particular 
 friend of the writer, and who has a singular dis- 
 inclination to be laughed at. This correspondent 
 in particular inveighs against personalities, and 
 accuses us of ill-nature in bringing forward old 
 Fungus and Billy Dimple, as figures of fun to 
 amuse the public. Another gentleman, who 
 states that he is a near relation of the Cocklofts, 
 proses away most soporifically on the impro- 
 priety of ridiculing a respectable old family ; 
 and declares that if we make them and their 
 whimwhams the subject of any more essays, he 
 shall be under the necessity of applying to our 
 theatrical champions for satisfaction. A third, 
 who, by the crabbedness of the handwriting, and 
 a few careless inaccuracies in the spelling, ap- 
 pears to be a lady, assures us that the Miss 
 Cocklofts, and Miss Diana Wearwell, and Miss 
 Dashaway, and Mrs. , Will Wizard's quon- 
 dam flame, are so much obliged to us for our 
 notice, that they intend in future to take no 
 
TO CORRESPONDENTS. 183 
 
 notice of us at all, but leave us out of all their 
 tea-parties, for which we make them one of our 
 best bows, and say, " thank you, ladies." 
 
 We wish to heaven these good people would 
 attend to their own affairs, if they have any to 
 attend to, and let us alone. It is one of the 
 most provoking things in the world that we can- 
 not tickle the public a little, merely for our own 
 private amusement, but we must be crossed and 
 jostled by these meddling incendiaries, and, in 
 fact, have the whole town about our ears. We 
 are much in the same situation with an unlucky 
 blade of a cockney, who, having mounted his bit 
 of blood to enjoy a little innocent recreation, and 
 display his horsemanship along Broadway, is 
 worried by all those little yelping curs that in- 
 fest our city, and who never fail to sally out and 
 growl, and bark, and snarl, to the great annoy- 
 ance of the Birmingham equestrian. 
 
 Wisely was it said by the sage Linkum Fide- 
 lius, " howbeit, moreover, nevertheless, this thrice- 
 wicked towne is charged up to the muzzle with 
 all manner of ill-natures and uncharitablenesses, 
 and is, moreover, exceedinglie naughte." This 
 passage of the erudite Linkum was applied to 
 the city of Grotham, of which he was once Lord 
 Mayor, as appears by his picture hung up in the 
 hall of that ancient city ; but his observation fits 
 this best of all possible cities " to a hair." It 
 is a melancholy truth that this same New York, 
 though the most charming, pleasant, polished, and 
 praiseworthy city under the sun, and in a word 
 the honne houche of the universe, is most shock- 
 
184 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 ingly ill-natured and sarcastic, and wickedly given 
 to all manner of baekslidings ; for which we are 
 very sorry, indeed. In truth, for it must come 
 out like murder, one time or other, the inhab- 
 itants are not only ill-natured, but manifestly un- 
 just ; no sooner do they get one of our random 
 sketches in their hands, but instantly they apply 
 it most unjustifiably to some " dear fiiend," and 
 then accuse us vociferously of the personality 
 which originated in their own officious friendship! 
 Truly it is an ill-natured town, and most ear- 
 nestly do we hope it may not meet with the fate 
 of Sodom and Gomorrah of old. 
 
 As, however, it may be thought incumbent 
 upon us to make some apology for these mistakes 
 of the town ; and as our good-nature is truly ex- 
 emplary, we would certainly answer this expec- 
 tation, were it not that we have an invincible 
 antipathy to making apologies. We have a most 
 profound contempt for any man who cannot give 
 three good reasons for an unreasonable thing ; 
 and will therefore condescend, as usual, to give 
 the public three special reasons for never apolo- 
 gizing: first, an apology implies tJjat we are ac- 
 countable to somebody or another for our conduct ; 
 now, as we do not care a fiddle-stick, as authors, 
 for either public opinion or private ill-will, it 
 would be implying a falsehood to apologize ; sec- 
 ond, an apology would indicate that we had been 
 doing what we ought not to have done. Now, as 
 we never did and never intend to do anything 
 wrong, it would be ridiculous to make an apol- 
 ogy ; third, we labor under the same incapacity 
 
GENTLE READER. 185 
 
 in the art of apologizing that lost LangstafF his 
 mistress ; we never yet undertook to make an 
 apology without committing a new offense, and 
 making matters ten times worse than they were 
 before ; and we are, therefore, determined to 
 avoid such predicaments in future. 
 
 But though we have resolved never to apolo- 
 gize, yet we have no particular objection to ex- 
 plain ; and if this is all that's wanted, we will go 
 about it directly : — allons, gentlemen ! — before, 
 however, we enter upon this serious affair, we 
 take this opportunity to express our surprise and 
 indigrjation at the incredulity of some people. 
 Have we not, over and over, assured the town 
 that we are three of the best-natured fellows liv- 
 ing ? And is it not astonishing;, that havin^j al- 
 ready given seven convincing proofs of the truth 
 of this assurance, they should still have any 
 doubts on the subject ? But as it it is one of 
 the impossible tln'ngs to mnke a knave believe in 
 honesty, so, perhaps, it may be another to make 
 this most sarcastic, satirical, and tea drinking city 
 believe in the existence of good-nature. But to 
 our explanation. Gentle reader ! — for we are 
 convinced that none but gentle or genteel readers 
 can relish our excellent productions — if thou art 
 in expectation of being perfectly satisfied with 
 what we are about to say, thou mayest as well 
 " whistle lillebullero," and skip quite over what 
 follows ; for never wight was more disappointed 
 than thou wilt be, most assuredly. But to the 
 explanation : We care just as much about the 
 public and its wise conjectures, as we do about 
 
186 
 
 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 the man in the moon and his whim whams ; or 
 the criticisms of the lady who sits majestically in 
 her elbow-chair in the lobster : and who, belying 
 her sex, as we are credibly informed, never says 
 anything worth listening to. We have launched 
 our bark, and we will steer to our destined port 
 with undeviating perseverance, fearless of being 
 shipwrecked by the way. Good-nature is our 
 steersman, reason our ballast, whim the breeze 
 that wafts us along, and morality our leading 
 star. 
 
NO. IX.— SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 1807. 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 
 
 |T in some measure jumps with my hu- 
 mor to be " melancholy and gentleman- 
 like " this stormy night, and I see no 
 reason why I should not indulge myself for once. 
 Away, then, with joke, with fun, and laughter, 
 for a while ; let my soul look back in mournful 
 retrospect, and sadden with the memory of my 
 good aunt Charity — - who died of a Frenchman ! 
 Stare not, 0, most dubious reader, at the 
 mention of a complaint so uncommon ; grievously 
 hath it ajfflicted the ancient family of the Cock- 
 lofts, who carry their absurd antipathy to the 
 French so far, that they will not suffer a clove of 
 garlic in the house ; and my good old friend 
 Christopher was once on the point of abandoning 
 his paternal couirry mansion of Cockloft Hall, 
 merely because a colony of frogs had settled in 
 a neighboring swamp. I verily believe he would 
 have carried his whim wham into effect, had not 
 a fortunate drought obliged the enemy to strike 
 their tents, and, like a troop of wandering Arabs, 
 to march off towards a moister part of the coun- 
 try. 
 
 My aunt Charity departed this life in the fifty- 
 
188 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 ninth year of her age, though she never grew 
 older after twenty-live. In her teens she was, 
 according to her own account, a celebrated 
 beauty, though I never could meet with anybody 
 that remembered when she was handsome ; on 
 the contrary, Evergreen's father, who used to 
 gallant her in his youth, says she was as knotty 
 a little piece of humanity as he ever saw ; and 
 that, if she had been possessed of the least sensi- 
 bility, she would, like poor old Acco^ have most 
 certainly run mad at her own figure and face the 
 first time she contemplated hi.rself in a looking- 
 glass. In the good old times that saw my aunt 
 in the heyday of youth, a fine lady was a most 
 formidable animal, and required to be approached 
 with the same awe and devotion that a Tartar 
 feels in the presence of his Grand Lama. If a 
 gentleman offered to take her hand, except to 
 help her into a carriage, or lead her into a draw- 
 ing-room, such frowns ! such a rustling of brocade 
 and taffeta ! her very paste shoe-buckles sparkled 
 with indignation, and for a moment assumed the 
 brilliancy of diamonds : in those days the person 
 of a belle was sacred ; it was unprofaned by the 
 sacrilegious grasp of a stranger: simple souls! 
 — they had not the waltz among them yet ! 
 
 My good aunt prided herself on keeping up 
 this buckram delicacy ; and if she happened to 
 be playing at the old-fashioned game of forfeits, 
 and was fined a kiss, it was always more trouble 
 to get it than it was worth ; for she made a most 
 gallant defense, and never surrendered until she 
 saw her adversary inclined to give over his attack. 
 
MY AUNT CHARITY. 189 
 
 Evergreen's father says he remembers once to 
 have been on a sleighing party with her, and 
 when they came to Kissing-bridge, it fell to his 
 lot to levy contributions on Miss Charity Cockloft, 
 who, after squalling at a hideous rate, at length 
 jumped out of the sleigh plump into a snow-bank, 
 where she stuck fast like an icicle, until he came 
 to her rescue. This Latonian feat cost her a 
 rheumatism, from which she never thoroughly 
 recovered. 
 
 It is rather singular that my aunt, though a 
 great beauty, and an heiress withal, never got 
 married. The reason she alleged was, that she 
 never met with a lover who resembled Sir Charles 
 Grandison, the hero of her nightly dreams and 
 waking fancy; but I am privately of opinion 
 that it was owing to her never having had an of- 
 fer. This much is certain, that for many years 
 previous to her decease, she declined all atten- 
 tions from the gentlemen, and contented herself 
 with watching over the welfare of her fellow-crea- 
 tures. She was, indeed, observed to take a con- 
 siderable lean toward Methodism, was frequent in 
 her attendance at love feasts, read Whitefield and 
 Wesley, and even went so far as once to travel 
 the distance of five-and-twenty miles to be present 
 at a camp-meeting. This gave great offense to 
 my cousin Christopher, and his good lady, who, 
 as I have already mentioned, are rigidly orthodox , 
 and had not my aunt Charity been of a most pa- 
 cific disposition, her religious whimwham would 
 have occasioned many a family altercation. She 
 was, indeed, as good a soul as the Cockloft family 
 
190 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 ever boasted ; a lady of unbounded loving-kindness, 
 whicli extended to man, woman, and child ; many 
 of whom she almost killed with good-nature. 
 Was any acquaintance sick? Jn vain did the 
 wind whistle and the storm beat ; my aunt would 
 waddle through mud and mire, over the whole 
 town, but what she would visit them. She would 
 sit by them for hours together with the most per- 
 severing patience, and tell a thousand melancholy 
 stories of human misery, to keep up their spirits, 
 The whole catalogue of yerh teas was at her fin- 
 gers' ends, from formidable wormwood down to 
 gentle balm ; and she would descant by the hour 
 on the healing qualities of hoarhound, catnip, and 
 pennyroyal. Woe be to the patient that came 
 under the benevolent hand of my aunt Charity ; 
 he was sure, willy-nilly, to be drenched with a 
 deluge of decoctions ; and full many a time has 
 my cousin Christopher borne a twinge of pain in 
 silence, through fear of being condenmed to suffer 
 the martyrdom of her materia-medica. My good 
 aunt had moreover, considerable skill in astron- 
 omy, for she could tell when the sun rose and 
 set every day in the year ; and no woman was 
 able to pronounce with more certainty, at what 
 precise minute the moon changed. She held the 
 Btory of the moon's being made of green cheese, 
 as an abominable slander on her favorite planet ; 
 and she had made several valuable discoveries in 
 solar eclipses, by means of a bit of burnt glass, 
 which entitled her at least to an honorary ad- 
 mission in the American Philosophical Society. 
 Hutching's Improved was her favorite book ; and 
 
CURIOSITY. 191 
 
 I shrewdly suspect that it was from this valuable 
 work she i\rew most of her sovereign remedies 
 for colds, coughs, corns, and consumptions. 
 
 But the truth must be told. With all her 
 good qualities my aunt Charity was afflicted with 
 one fault, extremely rare among her gentle sex 
 — it was curiosity. How she came by it, I am 
 at a loss to imagine, but it played the very ven- 
 geance with her and destroyed the comfort of her 
 life. Having an invincible desire to know every- 
 body's character, business, and mode of living, 
 she was forever prying into the affairs of her 
 neighbors ; and got a great deal of ill-will from 
 people toward whom she had the kindest disposi- 
 tion possible. If any family on the opposite side 
 of the street gave a dinner, my aunt would mount 
 her spectacles, and sit at the window until the 
 company were all housed, merely that she might 
 know who they were. If she heard a story about 
 any of her acquaintances, she would fortliwith set 
 off full sail, and never rest until, to use her usual 
 expression, she had got " to the bottom of it ; '* 
 which meant nothing more than telling it to every- 
 body she knew. 
 
 I remember one night my aunt Charity hap- 
 pened to hear a most precious story about one of 
 her good friends, but unfortunately too late to 
 give it immediate circulation. It made her abso- 
 lutely miserable ; and she hardly slept a wink all 
 night, for fear her bosom-friend, Mrs. Sipkins, 
 should get the start of her in the morning and 
 blow the whole affair. You must know there 
 ■was always a contest between these two ladies, 
 who should first give currency to the good-natured 
 
192 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 tliiugs said about everybody; and this unfortu- 
 nate rivalship at length proved fatal to their long 
 and ardent friendship. My aunt got up full two 
 hours that morning before her usual time ; put 
 on her pompadour taffeta gown, and sallied forth 
 to lament the misfortune of her dear friend. 
 Would you believe it! — wherever she went, Mrs. 
 Sipkins had anticipated her ; and, instead of be- 
 ing listened to with uplifted hands and open- 
 mouthed wonder, my unhappy aunt was obliged 
 to sit down quietly and listen to the whole affair, 
 with numerous additions, alterations, and amend- 
 -ments ! Now, this was too bad ; it would have 
 almost provoked Patience Grizzle or a saint. It 
 was too much for my aunt, who kept her bed for 
 three days afterward, with a cold, as she pretended ; 
 but I have no doubt it was owins to this affair 
 of Mrs. Sipkins, to whom she never would be rec- 
 onciled. 
 
 But I pass over the rest of my aunt Charity's 
 life, checkered with the various calamities, and 
 misfortunes, and mortifications, incident to those 
 worthy old gentlewomen who have the domestic 
 cares of the whole community upon their minds ; 
 and I hasten to relate the melancholy incident 
 that hurried her out of existence in the full bloom 
 of antiquated virginity. 
 
 In their frolicsome malice, the fates had or- 
 dained that a French boarding-house, or Pension 
 Frangaise, as it was called, should be established 
 directly opposite my aunt's residence. Cruel 
 event ! Unhappy Aunt Charity ! It threw her 
 into that alarming disorder denominated the fid- 
 gets ; she did uotiiing but watch at the window 
 
DYING OF A FRENCHMAN. 193 
 
 day after day, but without becoming one whit 
 the wiser at the end of a fortnight than she was 
 at the beginning ; she thought that neighbor 
 Pension had a monstrous Lai'ge family, and some- 
 how or other they were all men ! she could not 
 imagine what business neighbor Pension followed 
 to support so numerous a household ; and won- 
 dered why there was always such a scraping of 
 fiddles in the parlor, and such a smell of onions 
 from neighbor Pension's kitchen ; in short, neigh- 
 bor Pension was continually uppermost in her 
 thoughts, and incessantly on the outer edge of her 
 tongue. This was, I believe, the very first time she 
 had ever failed " to get at the bottom of a thing ;" 
 and the disappointment cost her many a sleepless 
 night, I warrant you. I have little doubt, how- 
 ever, that my aunt would have ferreted neighbor 
 Pension out, could she have spoken or understood 
 French ; but in those times people in general 
 could make themselves understood in plain Eng- 
 lish ; and it was always a standing rule in the 
 Cockloft family, which exists to this day, that 
 not one of the females should learn French. 
 
 My aunt Charity had lived at her window for 
 some time in vain ; when one day, as she was 
 keeping her usual look-out and suffering all the 
 pangs of unsatisfied curiosity, she beheld a little 
 meagre, weazel faced Frenchman, of the most for- 
 lorn, diminutive, and pitiful proportions, arrive at 
 neighbor Pension's door. He was dressed in 
 white, with a little pinched-up cocked hat; he 
 seemed to shake in the wind, and every blast that 
 went over him whistled through his bones and 
 13 
 
J 94 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 threatened instant annihilation. This embodied 
 gpirit of famine was followed by three carts, lum- 
 bered with crazy trunks, chests, band-boxes, bidets, 
 medicine-chests, parrots, and monkeys ; and at his 
 heels ran a yelping pack of little black-nosed pug- 
 dogs. This was the one thing wanting to fill up 
 the measure of my aunt Charity's afflictions ; she 
 could not conceive, for the soid of her, who this 
 mysterious little apparition could be that made so 
 great a display ; what he could possibly do with 
 so much baggage, and particularly with his par- 
 rots and monkeys ; or how so small a carcass could 
 have occasion for so many trunks of clothes. 
 Honest soul ! she had never had a peep into a 
 Frenchman's wai'drobe — that depdt of old coats, 
 hats, and breeches, of the growth of every fashion 
 he has followed in his life. 
 
 From the time of this fatal arrival, my poor 
 aunt was in a quandary ; — all her inquiries were 
 fruitless ; no one could expound the history of 
 this mysterious stranger : she never held up her 
 head afterward — drooped daily, took to her bed 
 in a fortnight, and in " one little month " I saw 
 her quietly deposited in the family vault — being 
 the seventh Cockloft that litis died of a whim- 
 wham ! 
 
 Take warning, my fair countrywomen ! and 
 you, O ye excellent ladies, whether married or 
 single, who pry into other people's affairs and 
 neglect those of your own household — who are so 
 busily employed in observing the faults of others 
 that you have no time to correct your own — re- 
 member the fate of my dear aunt Charity, and 
 eschew the evil spirit of curiosity. 
 
PRANKS OF WIZARD AND EVERGREEN. 195 
 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 
 
 [FIND, by perusal of our last number, that 
 Will Wizard and Evergreen, taking advan- 
 tage of my confinement, have been playing some 
 of their gambols. I suspected these rogues of 
 some malpractices, in consequence of their queer 
 looks and knowing winks whenever I came down 
 to dinner ; and of their not sliowing their faces at 
 old Cockloft's for several days, after the appear- 
 ance of their precious effusions. Whenever these 
 two waggish fellows lay their heads together, there 
 is always sure to be hatched some notable piece 
 of mischief; which, if it tickles nobody else, is 
 sure to make its authors merry. The public will 
 take notice that, for the purpose of teaching these 
 my associates better manners, and punishing them 
 for their high misdemeanoi's, I have, by virtue 
 of my authority, suspended them from all inter- 
 ference in Salmagundi, until they show a proper 
 degree of repentance ; or I get tired of supporting 
 the burden of the work myself. I am sorry for 
 Will, who is already sufficiently mortified in not 
 daring to come to the old house, and tell his long 
 stories and smoke his cigar; but Evergreen, being 
 an old beau, may solace himself in his disgrace by 
 trimming up all his old finery and making love 
 to the little girls. 
 
 At present, my right-hand man is Cousin Pin- 
 dar, whom I have taken into high favor. He 
 came home the other night all in a blaze like a 
 sky-rocket — whisked up to his ro .m in a parox- 
 ysm of poetic inspiration, nor did we see anything 
 
196 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 of him until late the next morning, when he 
 bounced upon us at breakfast, 
 
 " Fire in each eye — and paper in each hand." 
 
 This is just the way with Pindar, he is like a 
 volcano ; will remain for a long time silent with- 
 out emitting a single spark, and then, all at once, 
 burst out in a tremendous explosion of rhyme 
 and rhapsody. 
 
 As the letters of my friend, Mustapha, seem 
 to excite considerable curiosity, I have subjoined 
 another. I do not vouch for the justice of his re- 
 marks, or the correctness of his conclusions; they 
 are full of the blunders and errors in which stran- 
 gers continually indulge, who pretend to give an 
 account of this country before they well know 
 the geography of the street in which they live. 
 The copies of my friend's papers being confused 
 and without date, T cannot pretend to give them 
 in systematic order ; in fact, they seem now and 
 then to treat of matters which have occurred since 
 his departure : whether these are sly interpola- 
 tions of the meddlesome wight Will Wizard, or 
 whether honest Mustapha was gifted with the 
 spirit of prophecy or second sight, I neither know, 
 nor in fact, do I care. The followino; seems to 
 have been written when the Tripolitan prisoners 
 were so much annoyed by the ragged state of their 
 wardrobe. Mustapha feelingly depicts the embar- 
 rassments of his situation, traveller-like ; makes 
 an easy transition from his breeches to the seat of 
 government, and incontinently abuses the whole 
 administration ; like a sapient traveller I once 
 knew, who damned the French nation in toto — 
 because they eat sugar with green peas. 
 
RIDICULOUS DILEMMA. 197 
 
 LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI 
 KHAN, 
 
 CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASr>M HACCIIEM, PRINCIPAL 
 
 SLAVE DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE 
 
 BASHAW OF TKirOLI. 
 
 SWEET, O Asem ! is the memory of distant 
 friends ! like the mellow ray of a departing 
 Bun it falls tenderly yet sadly on the heart. 
 Every hour of absence from my native land rolls 
 heavily by, like the sandy wave of the desert ; 
 and the fair shores of my country rise blooming to 
 my imagination, clothed in the soft illusive charms 
 of distance. I sigh, yet no one listens to the sigh 
 of the captive ; 1 shed the bitter tear of recollec- 
 tion, but no one sympathizes in the tear of the 
 turbaned stranger ! Tliink not, liowever, thou 
 brother of my soul, that I complain of the horrors 
 of my situation ; think not that my captivity is 
 •attended with the labors, the chains, the scourges, 
 the insults, that render slavery, with us, more 
 dreadful than the pangs of hesitating, lingering 
 death. Liglit indeed are the restraints on the 
 personal freedom of thy kinsman ; but who can 
 enter into the afflictions of the mind ? — who can 
 describe the agonies of the heart ? They are 
 mutable as the clouds of the air — they are count- 
 less as the waves that divide me from my native 
 country. 
 
 I have, of late, my dear Asem, labored under 
 an inconvenience singularly unfortunate, and am 
 reduced to a dilemma most ridiculously embarrass- 
 ing. Why should I hide it from the companion 
 
198 SALMAGUNDI 
 
 of my thoughts, the partner of my sorrows and 
 my joys ? Alas, Asem ! thy friend Miistaplia, 
 the invincible captain of a ketch, is sadly in want 
 of a pair of breeches ! Thou wilt doubtless 
 smile, 0, most grave Mussulman, to hear me in- 
 dulge in ardent lamentations about a circumstance 
 so trivial, and a want apparently so easy to be 
 satisfied ; but little canst thou know of the mor- 
 tifications attending my necessities, and the as- 
 tonishing difficulty of supplying them. Honored 
 by the smiles and attentions of the beautiful 
 ladies of this city, who have fallen in love with 
 my whiskers and my turban ; courted by the 
 bashaws and the great men, who delight to have 
 me at their feasts ; the honor of my company 
 eagerly solicited by every fiddler who gives a 
 concert ; think of my chagrin at being obliged to 
 decline the host of invitations that daily over- 
 whelm me, merely for want of a pair of breeches ! 
 O, Allah ! Allah ! that thy disciples could come 
 into the world all befeathered like a bantam, or 
 with a pair of leather breeches like the wild deer 
 of the forest ! Surely, my friend, it is the destiny 
 of man to be forever subjected to petty evils, 
 which, however trifling in appearance, prey in 
 silence on his little pittance of enjoyment, and 
 poison those moments of sunshine, wliich might 
 otherwise be consecrated to happiness. 
 
 The want of a garment, thou wilt say, is easily 
 supplied ; and thou mayest suppose need only be 
 mentioned to be remedied at once by any tailor 
 of the land ; little canst thou conceive the impedi- 
 ments which stand-in the way of my comfort; 
 
A PAIR OF BREECHES. 199 
 
 and still less art thou acquainted with the pro- 
 digious great scale on which everything is tran- 
 sacted in this country. The nation moves most 
 majestically slow and clumsy in the most trivial 
 affairs, like the unwieldy elephant which makes a 
 formidable difficulty of picking up a straw ! 
 When I hinted my necessities to the officer who 
 has charge of myself and my companions, I ex- 
 pected to have them forthwith relieved ; but he 
 made an amazing long face, told me that we were 
 prisoners of state, that we must therefore be 
 clothed at the expense of goverrmient ; that as no 
 provision had been made by Congress for any 
 emergency of the kind, it was impossible to fur- 
 nish me with a pair of breeches, until all the sages 
 of the nation had been convened to talk over the 
 matter, and debate upon the expediency of grant- 
 ing my request. Sword of the immortal Khaled, 
 thought I, but this is great! this is truly sublime ! 
 All the sages of an immense logocracy assembled 
 together to talk about my breeches ! Vain mortal 
 that I am ! I cannot but own that I was some- 
 what reconciled to the delay, which must neces- 
 sarily attend this method of clothing me, by the 
 consideration that if they made the affair a na- 
 tional act, my " name must of course be embodied 
 in history," and myself and my breeches flourish 
 to immortality in the annals of this mighty 
 empire ! 
 
 " But pray," said 1, " how does it happen that 
 a matter so insignificant should be erected into an 
 object of such importance, as to employ the rep- 
 resentative wisdom of the nation ; and what is 
 
200 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 the cause of their talking so much about a trifle?" 
 " 0," replied the officer, who acts as our slave- 
 driver, " it all proceeds from economy. If the 
 government did not spend ten times as much 
 money in debating whether it was proper to sup- 
 ply you with breeches, as the breeches themselves 
 would cost, the people who goverji the bashaw 
 and his divan would straightway begin to com- 
 plain of their liberties being infringed ; the na- 
 tional finances squandered ! Not a hostile slang- 
 whanger throughout the logocracy, but would 
 burst forth like a barrel of combustion ; and ten 
 chances to one but the bashaw and the sages of 
 his divan would all be turned out of office to- 
 gether. My good Mussulman," continued he, 
 " the administration have the good of the people 
 too much at heart to trifle with their pockets ; 
 and they would sooner assemble and talk away 
 ten thousand dollars, than expend fifty silently 
 out of the treasury ; such is the wonderful spirit of 
 economy that pervades every branch of this 
 government." " But," said I, " how is it pos- 
 sible they can spend money in talking ? surely 
 words cannot be the current coin of this country ? " 
 " Truly," cried he, smiling, " your question is per- 
 tinent enough, for words indeed often supply the 
 place of cash among us, and many an honest 
 debt is paid in promises ; but the fact is, the 
 grand bashaw and the members of Congress, or 
 grand talkers of the nation, either receive a 
 yearly salary, or are paid by the day." " By 
 the nine hundred ton2;ues of the great beast of 
 Mahomet's vision, but the murder is out — it is 
 
ECONOMY. 201 
 
 no wonder these honest men talk so much about 
 nothing, when they are paid for talking, like day- 
 laborers." " You are mistaken," said my driver ; 
 " it is nothing but economy ! " 
 
 I remained silent for some minutes, for this in- 
 explicable word, economy, always discomfits me ; 
 and when I flatter myself I have grasped it, it slips 
 through my fingers like a jack-o'-lantern. I have 
 not, nor perhaps ever shall acquire, sufficient of 
 the philosopliic policy of this government to dj-aw 
 a proper distinction between an individual and a 
 nation. If a man was to throw away a pound 
 ia order to save a beggarly penny, and boast at 
 the same time of his economy, I should think 
 hiin on a par with the fool in the fable of Alfangi, 
 who, in skinning a flint worth a farthing, spoiled 
 a knife worth fifty times the sum, and thought he 
 had acted wisely. The shrewd fellow would 
 doubtless have valued himself much more highly 
 on his economy, could he have knowa that his 
 example would one day be followed by the ba- 
 shaw of America and the sages of his divan. 
 
 This economic disposition, my friend, occasions 
 much fighting of the spirit, and innumerable con- 
 tests of the tongue in this talking assembly. 
 Wouldst thou believe it ? they were actually em- 
 ployed for a whole week in a most strenuous and 
 eloquent debate about patching up a hole in the 
 wall of the room appropriated to their meetings ! 
 A vast profusion of nervous argument and pom- 
 pous declamation was expended on the occasion. 
 Some of the orators, I am told, being rather wag- 
 gishly inclined, were most stupidly jocular on the 
 
202 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 occasion ; but their waggery gave great offense, 
 and was highly reprobated by the more weighty 
 part of the assembly, who held all wit and humor 
 in abomination, and thought the business in liand 
 mucli too solemn and serious to be treated lightly. 
 It is supposed by some that affair would have oc- 
 cupied a whole winter, as it was a subject upon 
 which several gentlemen spoke who had never 
 been known to open their lips in that place, except 
 to say yes and no. These silent members are, 
 by way of distinction, denominated orator mums, 
 and are highly valued in this country on account 
 of their great talent for silence — a qualification 
 extremely rare in a logocracy. 
 
 Fortunately for the public tranquillity, in the 
 hottest part of the debate, when two rampant 
 Virginians, brimful of logic and philosophy, were 
 measuring tongues, and syllogistically edgeling 
 each other out of their unreasonable notions, the 
 president of the divan, a knowing old gentleman, 
 one night slily sent a mason, with a hod of mortar, 
 who, in the course of a ^qw minutes, closed up 
 the hole, and put a final end to the argument. 
 Thus did this wise old gentleman, by liitting on 
 a most simple expedient, in all probability, save 
 his country as much money as would build a gun- 
 boat, or pay a hireling slang-whatiger for a whole 
 volume of words. As it happened, only a few 
 thousand dollars were expended in paying these 
 men, who are denominated, I suppose in derision, 
 legislators. 
 
 Another instance of their economy, I relate 
 with pleasure, for I really begin to feel a regard 
 
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. 203 
 
 for these poor barbarians. They talked away the 
 best part of a whole winter before they could 
 determine not to expend a ^qw dollars in pur- 
 chasing a sword to bestow on an illustrious war- 
 rior ; yes, Asem, on that very hero who frightened 
 all our poor old women and young children at 
 Derne,^ and fully proved himself a greater man 
 than the mother that bore him. Thus, my friend, 
 is the whole collective wisdom of this mighty 
 logocracy employed in somniferous debates about 
 the most trivial affairs ; like I have sometimes 
 seen a herculean mountebank exerting all his 
 energies in balancing a straw upon his nose. 
 Tiieir sages behold the minutest object with the 
 microscopic eyes of a pismire ; mole-hills swell 
 into mountains, and a grain of mustard seed will 
 set the whole ant-hill in a hubbub. Whether 
 this indicates a capacious vision or a diminutive 
 mind, I leave thee to decide ; for my part, I con- 
 sider it as another proof of the great scale on 
 which everything is transacted in this country. 
 I have before told thee that nothing can be 
 done without consulting the sajjes of the nation, 
 who compose the assembly called the Congress. 
 This prolific body may not improperly be termed 
 the " mother of inventions ; " and a most fruitful 
 mother it is, let me tell thee, though its children 
 are generally abortions. It has lately labored 
 with what was deemed the conception of a mighty 
 navy. All the old women and the good wives 
 that assist the bashaw in his emergencies, hurried 
 
 1 General Eaton's famous adventure on the land expedition 
 from Egypt to rescue Bainbridge and the prisoners at Tripoli 
 
204 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 to head-quarters to be busy, like midwives, at the 
 delivery All was anxiety, fidgeting, and con- 
 sultation ; when, after a deal of groaning and 
 struggling, instead of formidable first-rates and 
 gallant frigates, out crept a litter of sorry little 
 gunboats ! These are most pitiful little vessels, 
 partaking vastly of the character of the grand 
 bashaw, who has the credit of begetting them — 
 being flat, shallow vessels that can only sail be- 
 fore the wind — must always keep in with the 
 land — are continually foundering or lunning 
 ashore — and, in short, are only fit for smooth 
 water. Though intended for the defense of the 
 maritime cities, yet the cities are obliged to de- 
 fend them ; and they require as much nursing as 
 so many rickety little bantlings. They are, how- 
 ever, the darling pets of the grand bashaw, being 
 the children of his dotage, and, perhaps, from their 
 diminutive size and palpable weakness, are called 
 the " infant navy of America." Tlie act that 
 brought them into existence was almost deified by 
 the majority of the people as a grand stroke of 
 economy. By the beard of Mahomet, but this 
 word is truly inexplicable. 
 
 To this economic body, therefore, was I ad- 
 vised to address my petition, and humbly to pray 
 that the august assembly of sages would, in the 
 plentitude of their wisdom and the magnitude 
 of their powers, munificently bestow on an un- 
 fortunate captive, a pair of cotton breeches ! 
 " Head of the immortal Amrou," cried J, " but 
 this would be presumptuous to a degree ; what ! 
 after these worthies have thought proper to leave 
 
M US TA PHA* IN EXTREMITY. 205 
 
 tlieir country naked and defenseless, and exposed 
 to all the political storms that rattle without, can 
 I expect that they will lend a helping hand to 
 comfort the extremities of a solitary captive ? " 
 My exclamation was only answered by a smile, 
 and I was consoled by the assurance that, so far 
 from being neglected, it was every way probable 
 my breeches might occupy a whole session of the 
 divan, and set several of the longest heads to 
 gether by the ears. Flattering as was the idea 
 of a whole nation being agitated about my 
 breeches, yet I own I was somewhat dismayed at 
 the idea of remaining in querpo, until all the 
 national gray-beards should have made a speech 
 on the occasion, and given their consent to the 
 measure. The embarrassment and distress of 
 mind which I experienced was visible in my 
 countenance, and my guard, who is a man of in- 
 finite good-nature, immediately suggested, as a 
 more expeditious plan of supplying my wants, a 
 benefit at the theatre. Though profoundly igno- 
 rant of his meaning, I agreed to his proposition, 
 the result of which I shall disclose to thee in 
 another letter. 
 
 Fare thee well, dear Asem ; in thy pious 
 prayers to our great prophet, never forget to 
 solicit thy friend's return ; and when thou num- 
 berest up the many blessings bestowed on thee 
 by all-bountiful Allah, pour forth thy gratitude 
 that he has cast thy nativity in a land where 
 there is no assembly of legislative chatterers ; no 
 great bftshaw, who bestrides a gunboat for a 
 hobby-horse; where the word economy is un- 
 
206 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 known, and where an unfortunate captive is not 
 obliged to call upon the whole nation to cut him 
 out a pair of breeches. 
 
 Ever thine, 
 
 MUSTAPHA.. 
 
 FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 
 
 THOUGH entered on that sober age, 
 When men withdraw from fashion's stage, 
 And leave the follies of the day, 
 To shape their course a graver way; 
 Still those gay scenes I loiter round. 
 In which my youth sweet transport found ; 
 And though I feel their joys decay. 
 And languish every hour away — 
 Yet like an exile doom'd to part 
 From the dear country of his heart. 
 From the fair spot in which he sprung, 
 Where his first notes of love were sung, 
 Will often turn to wave the hand, 
 And sigh his blessings on the land; 
 Just so my lingering watch I keep — 
 Thus oft I take my farewell peep. 
 
 And, like that pilgrim, who retreats, 
 Thus lagging from his parent seats, 
 When the sad thought pervades his mind. 
 That the fair land he leaves behind 
 Is ravaged by a foreign foe. 
 Its cities waste, its temples low. 
 And ruined all those haunts of joy 
 Tiiat gave him rapture when a boy ; 
 
LAUDATOR TEMP US ACTl. 207 
 
 Turns from it with averted eye, 
 And while he heaves the anguish'd sigh, 
 Scarce feels reirret that the loved shore 
 Shall beam upon his sight no more ; 
 Just so it grieves my soul to view, 
 While breathing forth a fond adieu, 
 The innovations pride has made, 
 The fustian, frippery, and parade, 
 That now usurp with mawkish grace 
 Pure tranquil pleasure's wonted place ! 
 
 'Twas joy we looked for in my prime, 
 That idol of the olden time ; 
 When all our pastimes had the art 
 To please and not mislead the heart. 
 Style curs'd us not — that modern flash, 
 That love of racket and of trash. 
 Which scares at once all feeling joys, 
 And drowns delight in empty noise ; 
 Which barters friendship, mirth, and truth. 
 The artless air, the bloom of youth. 
 And all those gentle sweets that swarm 
 Round nature in her simplest form. 
 For cold display, for hollow state. 
 The trappings of the would-be great. 
 
 O! once again those days recall, 
 When heart met heart in fashion's hall, 
 When every honest guest would flock 
 To add his pleasure to the stock. 
 More fond his transports to express. 
 Than show the tinsel of his dress! — 
 These were the times that clasp'd the soul 
 In gentle friendship's soft control; 
 Our fair ones, unprofan'd by art. 
 
208 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 Content to gain one honest heart, » 
 
 No train of sighing swains desired, | 
 
 Sought to be loved and not admired. 
 
 But now 'tis form, not love unites ; j 
 
 'Tis show, not pleasure that invites. \ 
 
 Each seeks the ball to play the queen, 
 
 To flirt, to conquer, to be seen: 
 
 Each grasps at universal sway, 
 
 And reigns the idol of the day ; 
 
 Exults amid a thousand sighs, 
 
 And triumphs when a lover dies. 
 
 Each belle a rival belle surveys. 
 
 Like deadly foe, with hostile gaze ; 
 
 Nor can her " dearest friend " caress, 
 
 Till she has slily scann'd her dress ; 
 
 Ten conquests in one year will make, 
 
 And six eternal friendships break ! 
 
 How oft I breathe the inward sigh, 
 
 And feel tlie dew-drop in my eye. 
 
 When I behold some beauteous frame, 
 
 Divine in everything but name, 
 
 Just venturino;, in the tender affe, 
 
 On fashion's late newfangled stage ! 
 
 "Where soon the guiltless heart shall cease 
 
 To beat in artlessness and peace : 
 
 Where all the flowers of gay delight 
 
 With which youth decks its prospects bright, 
 
 Shall wither 'mid the cares, the strife, 
 
 The cold realities of life ! 
 
 Thus lately, in my careless mood. 
 As I the world of fashion view'd. 
 While celebrating, great and small. 
 That great solemnity — a ball. 
 
TWO SISTER NYMPHS. 209 
 
 My roving vision chanced to light 
 On two sweet forms divinely bright ; 
 Two sister nymphs, alike in face, 
 In mien, in loveliness, and grace ; 
 Twin rosebuds, bursting into bloom, 
 In all their brilliance and perfume : 
 Like those fair forms that often beam 
 Upon the eastern poet's dream ! 
 For Eden had each lovely maid 
 In native innocence arrayed — 
 And heaven itself had almost shed 
 Its sacred halo round each head ! 
 
 They seem'd just entering, hand-in-hand, 
 To cautious tread this fairy land ; 
 To take a timid, hasty view. 
 Enchanted with a scene so new. 
 The modest blush, untaught by art, 
 Bespoke their purity of heart ; 
 And every timorous act unfurl'd 
 Two souls unspotted by the world. 
 
 O, how these strangers joy'd my sight, 
 And thrilled my bosom with delight ! 
 They brought the visions of my youth 
 Back to my soul in all their truth ; 
 Recall'd fair spirits into day, 
 That time's rough hand had swept away I 
 Thus the bright natives from above, 
 Who come on messages of love. 
 Will bless, at rare and distant whiles, 
 Our sinful dwelling by their smiles ! 
 
 ! my romance of youth is past, 
 
 Dear airy dreams, too bright to last ! 
 
 Yet when such forms as these appear, 
 14 
 
2]0 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 I feel your soft remembrance here; 
 For, ah ! the simple poet's heart, 
 On which fond love once play'd its part, 
 Still feels the soft pulsations beat, 
 As loath to quit their foimer seat. 
 Just like the harp's melodious wire, 
 Swept by a bard with heavenly fire. 
 Though ceased the loudly-swelling strain, 
 Yet sweet vibrations long remain. 
 
 Full soon I found the lovely pair 
 Had sprung beneath a mother's care, 
 Hard by a neighboring streamlet's side, 
 At once its ornament and pride. 
 The beauteous parent's tender heart 
 Had well fulfilled its pious part ; 
 And, like the holy man of old, 
 As we're by sacred writings told, 
 Who, when he from his pupil sped, 
 Pour'd two-fold blessings on his head — 
 So this fond mother had imprest 
 Her early virtues in each breast, 
 And as she found her stock enlarge, 
 Had stampt new graces on her charge. 
 
 The fair resign'd the calm retreat, 
 "Where first their souls in concert beat, 
 And flew on expectation's wing, 
 To sip the joys of life's gay spring ; 
 To sport in fashion's splendid maze, 
 "Where friendship fades, and love decays. 
 So two sweet wild flowers, near the side 
 Of some fair river's silver tide, 
 Pure as the gentle stream that laves 
 The green biinks with its lucid waves. 
 
GUARDIAN ANGELS. 211 
 
 Bloom beauteous in their native ground, 
 Diffusing heavenly fragrance round. 
 But should a venturous hand transfer 
 These blossoms to the gay parterre, 
 Where, spite of artificial aid. 
 The fairest plants of nature fade, 
 Though they may shine supreme awhile, 
 'Mid pale ones of the stranger soil. 
 The tender beauties soon decay, 
 And their sweet fragrance dies away. 
 
 Blest spirits ! who, entlironed in air, 
 Watch o'er the virtues of the fair, 
 And with angelic ken survey 
 Their windings through life's checker'd way ; 
 Who hover round them as they glide 
 Down fashion's smooth, deceitful tide. 
 And guide them o'er that stormy deep 
 Where dissipation's tempests sweep : 
 O make tliis inexperienced pair 
 The objects of your tenderest care. 
 Preserve them from the languid eye, 
 The faded cheek, the long-drawn sigh ; 
 And let it be your constant aim 
 To keep the fair ones still the same: 
 Two sister hearts, unsullied, bright ^ 
 
 As the first beam of lucid light. 
 That sparkles from the youthful sun. 
 When first his jocund race begun. 
 So when these hearts shall burst their shrine, 
 To wing their flight to realms divine. 
 They may to radiant mansions rise. 
 Pure as when first they left the skies. 
 
NO. X. — SATURDAY, MAY 16, 1807. 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 
 
 HE long ijiterval which has elapsed since 
 the publication of our last Dumber, like 
 
 ^^yi many other remarkable events, has given 
 rise to much conjecture and excited considerable 
 solicitude. It is but a day or two since I heard 
 a knowing young gentleman observe, that he 
 suspected Salmagundi would be a nine days 
 w^onder, and had even propliesied that the ninth 
 would be our last eflfort. But the age of proph- 
 ecy, as well as that of chivalry, is past ; and no 
 reasonable man should now venture to foretell 
 aught but what he is determined to bring about 
 himself. He may then, if he please, monopolize 
 prediction, and be honored as a prophet even in 
 his own country. 
 
 Though I hold whether we write, or not write, 
 to be none of the public's business, yet as I have 
 just heard of the loss of three thousand votes at 
 least to the Clintonians, I feel in a remarkably 
 dulcet humor thereupon, and will give some ac- 
 count of the reasons which induced us to resume 
 our useful labors, or rather our amusement ; for 
 if writing cost either of us a moment's labor, 
 there is not a man but what would hang up his 
 
 i 
 
DISAPPOINTED READERS. 213 
 
 pen, to the great detriment of the world at large, 
 and of our publisher in particular ; who has ac- 
 tually bought himself a pair of trunk breeches, 
 with the profits of our writings ! ! 
 
 He informs me that several persons having 
 called last Saturday for No. X, took the disap- 
 pointment so inuch to heart that he really appre- 
 hended some terrible catastrophe ; and one good- 
 looking man, in particular, declared his intention 
 of quitting the country if tlie work was not con- 
 tinued. Add to this, the "town has grown quite 
 melancholy in the last fortnight ; and several 
 young ladies have declared, in my hearing, that 
 if another number did not make its appearance 
 soon, they would be obliged to amuse themselves 
 with teasing their beaux and making them miser- 
 able. Now I assure my readers there was no 
 flattery in this, for they no more suspected me 
 of being Launcelot Langstaff than they suspected 
 me of being the emperor of China, or the man 
 in the moon. 
 
 I have also received several letters complaining 
 of our indolent procrastination ; and one of my 
 correspondents assures me, that a number of 
 young gentlemen, who had not read a book 
 through since they left school, but who have 
 taken a wonderful liking to our paper, will cer- 
 tainly relapse into their old habits unless we go 
 on. 
 
 For the sake, therefore, of all these good peo- 
 ple, and most especially for the satisfaction of the 
 ladies, every one of whom we would love, if we 
 possibly could, I have again wielded my pea 
 
214 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 with a most hearty determination to set the whole 
 world to rights ; to make cherubims and seraphs 
 of all the ftiir ones of this enelianting town, and 
 raise the spirits of the poor Federalists, who, in 
 truth, seem to be in a sad taking, ever since the 
 American-Ticket niet with the accident of being 
 so unhappily thrown out. 
 
 TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 
 
 SIR : — I felt myself hurt and offended by Mr. 
 Evergreen's terrible philippic against mod- 
 ern music, in No. II. of your work, and was under 
 serious apprehension that his strictures might 
 bring the art, which I have the honor to profess, 
 into contempt. The opinion of yourself and fra- 
 ternity appears indeed to have a wonderful effect 
 upon the town. 1 am told the ladies are all em- 
 ployed in reading Bunyan and " Pamela," and the 
 waltz has been entirely forsaken ever since the 
 winter balls have closed. Under these apprehen- 
 sions I should have addressed you before, had I 
 not been sedulously employed, while the theatre 
 continued open, in supporting the astonishing va- 
 riety of the orchestra, and in composing a new 
 chime of Bob-Major for Trinity Church, to be 
 rung during the summer, beginning with ding- 
 dong di-do, instead of di-do ding-dong. The cit- 
 izens, especially those who live in the neighbor- 
 hood of that harmonious quarter, will, no doubt, 
 be infinitely delighted with this novelty. 
 
PERFECTION OF MODERN MUSIC. 215 
 
 But to the object of this communication. So 
 far, sir, from agreeing with Mr. Evergreen in 
 thinking that all modern music is but tlie more 
 dregs and drainings of the ancient, I trust, before 
 this letter is concluded, I shall convince you and 
 him that some of the late professors of this en- 
 chanting art have completely distanced the paltry 
 efforts of the ancients ; and that I, in particular, 
 have at length brought it almost to absolute per- 
 fection. 
 
 The Greeks, simple souls ! were astonished at 
 the powers of Oi'pheus, who made the woods and 
 rocks dance to his lyre ; — of Amphion, who con- 
 verted crotchets into bricks, and quavers into 
 mortar ; and of Arion, who won upon the com- 
 passion of the fishes. In the fervency of admi- 
 ration, their poets fabled that Apollo had lent 
 them his lyre, and inspired them with his own 
 spirit of harmony. What then would they have 
 said had they witnessed the wonderful effects of 
 my skill ? had they heard me in the compass of a 
 single piece, describe in glowing notes one of the 
 most sublime operations of nature ; and not only 
 make inanimate objects dance, but even speak ; 
 and not only speak, but speak in strains of ex- 
 quisite harmony ? 
 
 Let me not, however, be understood to say 
 that I am the sole author of this extraordinary 
 improvement in the art, for I confess I took the 
 hint of many of my discoveries from some of 
 those meritorious productions that have lately 
 come abroad and made so much noise under the 
 title of overtures. From some of these, as, for 
 
216 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 instance, Lodoiska, and the battle of Marc^ngo, a 
 gentleman, or a captain in the city militia, or an 
 amazonian young lady may indeed acquire a toler- 
 able idea of military tactics, and become very 
 well experienced in the firing of musketry, the 
 roaring of cannon, tiie rattling of drums, the 
 whistling of fifes, braying of trumpets, groans of 
 the dying, the trampling of cavalry, without ever 
 going to the wars ; but it is more especially in the 
 art of imitatintj inimitable things, and o:"ivinof the 
 language of every passion and sentiment of the 
 human mind, so as entirely to do away the ne- 
 cessity of speech, that I particularly excel tiie 
 most celebrated musicians of ancient and modern 
 times. 
 
 I think, sir, I may venture to say there is not 
 a sound in the whole compass of nature which I 
 cannot imitate, and even improve upon — nay, 
 what I consider the perfection of my art, I have 
 discovered a method of expressing, in the most 
 striking manner, that undefinable, indescribable 
 silence which accompanies the falling of snow. 
 
 In order to prove to you that I do not arrogate 
 to myself what I am unable to perform. I will 
 detail to you the d liferent movements of a grand 
 piece, which I pride myself upon exceedingly, 
 called the " Breaking up of the Ice in the North 
 River." 
 
 The piece opens with a gentle andante affetu- 
 oso, which ushers you into the Assembly-room in 
 the State House at Albany, where the speaker 
 addresses tiie farewell speech, informing the 
 members that the ice is about breaking up, and 
 
OPERATIC. 217 
 
 thanking them for their great services and good 
 behavior in a manner so pathetic as to bring 
 tears into their eyes. — Flourish of Jack-a-don- 
 keys. — Ice cracks; Albany in a hubbub — air, 
 "Three children sliding on the ice, all on a sum- 
 mer's day." — Citizens quarreling in Dutch; — 
 chorus of a tin trumpet, a cracked fiddle, and a 
 hand-saw ! — allegro moderato. — Hard frost — ■ 
 this, if given with proper spirit, luis a charming 
 effect, and sets everybody's teeth chattering. — 
 Symptoms of snow — consultation of old women 
 who complain of pains in the bones and rheu- 
 matics ; — air, "There was an old woman tossed 
 up in a blanket," etc. — allegro staccato ; wagon 
 breaks into the ice — people all run to see what 
 is the matter; air, siciliano — ''Can you row the 
 boat ashore, Billy boy, Billy boy ? " — andante — 
 frost fish froze up in the ice — air, " Ho, why dost 
 thou shiver and shake, Gaffer Gray, and why does 
 thy nose look so blue?" — Flourish of twopenny 
 trumpets and rattles — consultation of the North 
 River Society — determine to set the North 
 River on fire, as soon as it will burn — air, " O, 
 what a fine kettle of fish." 
 
 Part II. — Great Thaw. — This consists of 
 tiie most melting strains, flowing so smoothly as 
 to occasion a great overflowing of scientific rap- 
 ture ; air, " One misty moisty morning." The 
 House of Assembly breaks up — air, " The owls 
 came out and flew about." — Assemblymen em- 
 bark on their way to New York — air, " The 
 ducks arid geese they all swim over, fal de ral," 
 etc. — Vessel sets sail — chorus of mariners — 
 
218 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 " Steer her up, and let her gang." After this a 
 rapid movement conducts you to New York — 
 the North River Society hold a meeting at the 
 corner of Wall Street, and determine to delay 
 burning till all the Assemblymen are safe at home, 
 for fear of consuming some of their own mem- 
 bers, who belong to that respectable body. — Re- 
 turn again to the capital. — Ice floats down the 
 river — lamentation of skaters ; air, affetuoso — 
 " I sigh and lament me in vain," etc. — Albanians 
 cutting up sturgeon ; air, " O the roast beef of 
 Albany." — Ice runs against Polopoy's Island with 
 a terrible crash. This is represented by a fiei-ce 
 fellow travelling with his fiddlestick over a huge 
 bass viol, at the rate of one hundred and fifty 
 bars per minute, and tearing the music to rags ; 
 this being what is called execution. The great 
 body of ice passes West Point, and is saluted by 
 three or four dismounted cannon from Fort Put- 
 nam — "Jefferson's March," by a full band — air, 
 " Yankee Doodle," with seven ty-six variations, 
 never before attempted, except by the celebrated 
 eagle which flutters his wings over the copper- 
 bottomed angel at Messrs. Patf's in Broadway. 
 Ice passes New York — conch-shell sounds at a 
 distance — ferrymen call o-v-e-r — people run 
 down Courtlandt Street — ferry-boat sets sail — 
 air, accompanied by the conch-shell, " We'll all 
 go over the ferry — Rondeau — giving a particu- 
 lar account of Brom, the Powles Hook admiral, 
 who is supposed to be closely connected with the 
 North River Society. — The Society make a grand 
 attempt to fire the stream, but are utterly defeated 
 
FLUTE AND FIDDLE. 219 
 
 by a remarkable high tide, which brings the plot 
 to light, drowns upward of a thousand rats, and 
 occasions twenty robins to break their necks.^ 
 Society, not being discouraged, apply to " Com- 
 mon Sense" for his lantern — air, "Nose, nose, 
 jolly red nose." Flock of wild geese fly over 
 the city — old wives chatter in the fog — cocks 
 crow at Communipaw — drums beat on Gover- 
 nor's Island. — Tlie whole to conclude with the 
 blowing up of Sand's powder-house. 
 
 Thus, sir, you perceive what wonderful powers 
 of expression have been hitherto locked up in 
 this enchanting art ; a whole history is here told 
 without the aid of speech or writing ; and pro- 
 vided the hearer is in tlie least acquainted with 
 music, he cannot mistake a sinj;le note. As to 
 the blowing up of the powder-house, I look upon 
 it as a chef d^ceuvre^ which I am confident will 
 delight all modern amateurs, who very properly 
 estimate music in proportion to the noise it 
 makes, and delight in thundering cannon and 
 earthquakes. 
 
 I must confess, however:, it is a very difficult 
 part to manage, and I iiave already broken six 
 pianos in giving it the proper force and effect. 
 But I do not despair, nnd am quite certain that 
 bv the time I have broken eight or ten more, I 
 shall have brought it to such perfection as to be 
 able to teach any young lady of tolerable ear to 
 thunder it away, to the infinite delight of papa 
 and mamma, and the great annoyance of those 
 vandals who are so barbarous as to prefer the 
 
 1 Vide, Solomon Lang. 
 
220 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 simple melody of a Scots air to the sublime effu- 
 sions of modern musical doctors. 
 
 In my warm anticipations of future improve- 
 ment I have sometimes almost convinced myself 
 that music will, in time, be brought to such a 
 climax of perfection as to supersede the necessity 
 of speech and writing ; and every kind of social 
 intercourse be conducted by the flute and fiddle. 
 The immense benefits that will result from this 
 improvement must be plain to every man of the 
 least consideration. In the present unhappy situ- 
 ation of mortals, a man has but one way of mak- 
 ing himself perfectly understood ; if he loses his 
 speech, he must inevitably be dumb all the rest 
 of his life ; but having once learned this new 
 musical language, the loss of speech will be a 
 mere trifle, not worth a moment's uneasiness. 
 Not only this, Mr. L., but it will add much to 
 the harmony of domestic intercourse ; for it is 
 certainly much more agreeable to hear a lady 
 give lectures on the piano than viva voce, in the 
 usual discordant measure. This manner of dis- 
 coursing may also, I think, be introduced with 
 great efl"ect into our national assemblies, where 
 every man, instead of wagging his tongue, should 
 be obliged to flourish a fiddle-stick, by which 
 means, if he said nothing to the purpose, he 
 would, at all events, "discourse most eloquent 
 music," which is more than can be said of most 
 of them present. They might also sound their 
 own trumpets without being obliged to a hireling 
 scribbler, for an immortality of nine days, or sub- 
 jected to the censure of eijotism. 
 
COCKLOFT ON HIS TRAVELS. 221 
 
 But the most important result of this discovery 
 is that it may be applied to the establishment of 
 that great desideratum, in the learned world, a 
 universal language. Wherever this science of 
 music is cultivated, nothing more will lj)e neces- 
 sary than a knowledge of its alphabet ; which, 
 being almost tlie same everywhei'e, will amount 
 to a universal medium of conununication. A 
 man may thus, with his violin under his arm, 
 a piece of rosin, and a few bundles of catgut, 
 fiddle his way through the world, and never be 
 at a loss to make himself understood. 
 I am, etc.. 
 
 Demy Semiquaver. 
 
 THE STRANGER IN PENNSYLVANIA. 
 
 BY JEREMY COCKLOFT, THE YOUNGER. 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 C^ROSS the Delaware — knew I was in Penn- 
 J sylvania, because all the people were fat and 
 looked like the statue of William Penn — Bristol 
 • — very remarkable for having nothing in it 
 worth the attention of the traveller — saw Bur- 
 lington on the opposite side of the river — fine 
 place for pigeon-houses — and why? — Pennsyl- 
 vania famous for barns — cattle in general better 
 lodged than the farmers — barns appear to be 
 built, as the old Roman peasant planted his trees, 
 " for posterity and the immortal gods." Saw 
 
222 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 several fine bridges of two or three arches, built 
 over dry places — wondered what could be the 
 use of them — reminded me of the famous bridge 
 at Madrid, built over no water — Chamouny 
 — floating bridge made of pine logs fastened 
 together by ropes of walnut bark — strange tliat 
 the people who have such a taste for bridges 
 should not have taken advantage of this river 
 to indulge in their favorite kind of architec- 
 ture! — expressed my surprise to a fellow pas- 
 senger, who observed to me with great grav- 
 ity, "that nothing was more natural than that 
 people who build bridges over dry places should 
 neglect them where they are really necessary " — 
 could not, for the head of me, see to the bottom 
 of the man's reasoning — about half an hour 
 after it struck me that he had been quizzing me 
 a little — didn't care much about that — revenge 
 myself by mentioning him in ray book. Village 
 of Washington — very pleasant, and remarkable 
 for being built on each side of the road — houses 
 all cast in the same mould — have a very Quaker- 
 ish appearance, being built of stone, plastered and 
 white-washed, and green doors, ornamented with 
 brass knockers, kept very bright — saw several 
 genteel young ladies scouring them — which was 
 no doubt the reason of their brightness. Break- 
 fasted at the Fox Chase — recommend this house 
 to all gentlemen travelling for information, as 
 the landlady makes the best buckwheat cakes 
 in the whole world ; and because it bears the 
 same name with a play, written by a young gen- 
 tleman of Philadelphia, which, notwithstanding its 
 
PRINCETON STUDENTS. 223 
 
 very considerable merit, was received at that city 
 with indiifereiice and neglect, because it had no 
 puns in it. Frankfort in the mud — very pictu- 
 resque town, situated on the edge of a pleasant 
 swamp — or meadow, as they call it — houses all 
 built of turf, cut in imitation of stone — poor 
 substitute — took in a couple of Princeton stu- 
 dents, who were going on to the southward, to 
 tell their papas (or rather their mammas) what 
 fine manly little boys they were, and how nobly 
 they resisted the authority of the trustees — 
 both pupils of Godwin and Tom Paine — talked 
 about the rights of man, the social compact, and 
 the perfectibility of boys — hope their parents 
 will whip them when they get home, and send 
 them back to the college without any spending 
 money. Turnpike gates — direction to keep to 
 the right as the law directs — very good advice, 
 in my opinion ; but one of the students swore he 
 had no idea of submitting to this kind of op- 
 pression, and insisted on the di-iver's taking the 
 left passage, in order to show the world we 
 were not to be imposed upon by such arbitrary 
 rules — driver, who I believe, had been a student 
 at Princeton himself, shook his head like a pro- 
 fessor, and said it would not do. Entered Phila- 
 delphia through the suburbs — four little markets 
 in a herd — one turned into a school for young 
 ladies — mem. young ladies early in the market 
 here — pun — good. 
 
224 SALMAGUNDI 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Very 111 — confined to my bed with a violent 
 fit of the pun mania — strangers always experi- 
 ence an attack of the kind on their first arrival, 
 and undergo a seasonmg as Europeans do in the 
 West Indies, In my way from the stage-office 
 to Renshaw's I was accosted by a good-looking 
 young gentleman from New Jersey, who had 
 caught the infection — he took me by the button 
 and informed me of a contest that had lately 
 taken place between a tailor and shoemaker 
 about I forget what ; — Snip was pronounced a 
 fellow of great capability^ a man of gentlemanly 
 habits, who would doubtless suit everybody. The 
 shoemaker bristled up at this, and waxed exceed- 
 ing wroth — swore the tailor was but a half- 
 souled fellow, and that it was to shew he was 
 never cut-out for a gentleman. The choler of 
 the tailor was up in an instant, he swore by his 
 thimble that he would never pocket such an in- 
 sult, but would baste any man who dared to re- 
 peat it. — Honest Crispin was now worked up 
 to his proper pitchy and was determined to yield 
 the tailor no quarters ; — he vowed he would lose 
 his all but what he would gain his ends. He 
 resolutely held on to the la^t, and on his threat- 
 ing to backstrap his 'adversary, the tailor was 
 obliged to sheer off, declaring at the same time, 
 that he would have him bound over. The young 
 gentleman, having finished his detail, gave a 
 most obstreperous laugh, and hurried off to tf 11 
 his story to somebody else — Licentia punica, as 
 
ETYMOLOGICAL RESEARCHES. 225 
 
 Horace observes — it did my business — I went 
 home, took to my bed, and was two days con- 
 lined with this singular complaint. 
 
 Having, however, looked about me with the 
 Argus eyes of a traveller, I have picked up 
 enough in the course of my walk from the stage- 
 office to the hotel, to give a full and impartial ac- 
 count of this remarkable city. According to the 
 good old rule, I shall begin with the etymology 
 of its name, which, according to Linkum Fide- 
 lius, Tom. LV., is clearly derived, either from the 
 name of its first founder, viz. Philo Dripping- 
 pan, or the singular taste of the aborigines, who 
 flourished there on his arrival. Linkum, who is 
 as shrewd a fellow as any theorist or F. S. A. 
 for peeping with a dark lantern into the lumber 
 garret of antiquity, and lugging out all the trash 
 which was left there for oblivion by our wiser 
 ancestors, supports liis opinion by a prodigious 
 number of ingenious and inapplicable arguments ; 
 but particularly rests his position on the known 
 fact, that Philo Dripping-pan was remarkable for 
 his predilection to eating, and his love of what 
 the learned Dutch call doup. Our erudite au- 
 thor likewise observes that the citizens are to 
 this day noted for their love of " a sop in the 
 pan," and their portly appearance, " except, in- 
 deed," continues he, " the young ladies, who are 
 perfectly genteel in their dimensions " — this, how- 
 ever, he ill-naturedly enough attributes to their 
 eating pickles, and drinking vinegar. 
 
 The Philadelphians boast much of the situation 
 and plan of their city, and well may they, since it 
 15 
 
226 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 is, undoubtedly, as fair and square, and regular 
 and right-angled, as any mechanical genius could 
 have possibly made it. I am clearly of opinion 
 that this humdrum regularity has a vast effect on 
 the character of its inhabitants and even on their 
 looks, " for you will observe," writes Linkum, 
 "that they are an honest, worthy, square, good- 
 looking, well-meaning, regular, uniform, straight- 
 forward, clock-work, clear-headed, one-like-another, 
 salubrious, upright, kind of people, who always 
 go to work methodically, never put the cart be- 
 fore the horse, talk like a book, walk mathemati- 
 cally, never turn but in right angles, think 
 syllogistically, and pun theoretically, according to 
 the genuine rules of Cicero and Dean Swift ; 
 — whereas the people of New York — God help 
 tbem — tossed about over hills and dales, through 
 lanes and alleys, and crooked streets — contin- 
 ually mounting and descending, turning and 
 twisting — whisking off at tangents, and left- 
 angle-triangles, just like their own queer, odd, 
 topsy-turvy, rantipole city, are the most irregular, 
 crazy-headed, quicksilver, eccenti'ic, wliimwham- 
 sical set of mortals that ever were jumbled to- 
 gether in this uneven, villainous, revolving globe, 
 and are the very antipodeans to the Philadel- 
 phians." 
 
 The streets of Philadelphia are wide and 
 straight, which is wisely ordered, for the inhabi- 
 tants having generally crooked noses, and most 
 commonly travelling hard after them, the good 
 folks would undoubtedly soon go to the wall, in 
 the crooked streets of our city. This fact of the 
 
THE CITY OF PENN. 227 
 
 crooked noses has not been hitherto remarked by 
 any of our American travellers, but must strike 
 every stranger of the least observation. There is, 
 however, one place which 1 would recommend to 
 all my fellow-citizens, who may come after me, 
 as a promenade — I mean Dock street — the only 
 street in Philadelphia that bears any resemblance 
 to New York — how tender, how exquisite are 
 the feelings awakened in the breast of a traveller, 
 when his eye encounters some object which re- 
 minds him of his far distant country ! The pen- 
 sive New Yorker, having drank his glass of por- 
 ter, and smoked his cigar after dinner (by the 
 way I would- recommend Sheaif, as selling the 
 best Philadelphia), may here direct his solitary 
 steps and indulge in that mellow tenderness in 
 which the sentimental Kotzebue erst delighted to 
 wallow — he may recall the romantic scenery and 
 graceful windings of Maiden Lane and Pearl 
 street, trace the tumultuous gutter in its harmoni- 
 ous meanderings, and almost fancy he beholds 
 the moss-crowned roof of the Bear Market, or 
 the majestic steeple of St. Paul's towering to 
 the clouds. — Perhaps, too, he may have left be- 
 hind him some gentle fair one, who, all the live- 
 long evening, sits pensively at the window, lean- 
 ing on her elbows, and counting the lingering, 
 lame, and broken-winded moments that so tedi 
 ously lengthen the hours which separate her from 
 the object of her contemplations! — deliglitful 
 X/ethe of the soul — sunshine of existence — wife 
 and children poking up the cheerful evening fire 
 
 — paper windows, mud walls, love in a cottage 
 
 — sweet sensibility — and all that. 
 
228 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 Everybody has heard of the famous Bank of 
 Pennsylvania, which, since the destruction of the 
 tomb of Mausolus, and the Colossus of Rhodes, 
 may fairly be estimated as one of the wonders of 
 the world. My landlord thinks it unquestionably 
 the finest building upon earth. The honest man 
 has never seen the theatre in New York, or the 
 new brick church at the head of Rector street, 
 which when finished, will beyond all doubt be 
 infinitely superior to the Pennsylvania barns 1 
 noted before. 
 
 Philadelphia is a place of great trade and com- 
 merce — not but that it would have been much 
 more so, that is, had it been built on the site of 
 New York : but as New York has engrossed its 
 present situation, I think Philadelphia must be 
 content to stand where it does at present-^ at 
 any rate it is not Philadelphia's fault, nor is it 
 any concern of mine, so I shall not make myself 
 uneasy about the affair. Besides to use Trim's 
 argument, were that city to stand where New 
 York does, it might perhaps have the misfortune 
 to be called New York and not Philadelphia, 
 which would be quite another matter, and this por- 
 tion of my travels had undoubtedly been smoth- 
 ered before it was born — which would have been 
 a thousand pities indeed. 
 
 Of the manufactures of Philadelphia, I can say 
 but little, except that the people are famous for 
 an excellent kind of confectionery, made from the 
 drainings of sugar. The process is simple as any 
 in Mrs. Glass's excellent and useful work (which 
 I hereby recommend to the fair hands of all young 
 
THE LADIES. 229 
 
 ladies, who are not occupied in reading Moore's 
 poems) — you buy a pot — put your molasses in 
 your pot (if you can beg, borrow, or steal 
 your molasses it will come much cheaper than if 
 you buy it) — boil your molasses to a proper con- 
 sistency ; but if you boil it too much, it will be 
 none the better for it — then pour it off and let 
 it cool, or draw it out into little pieces about nine 
 inches long, and put it by for use. This manu- 
 facture is called by the Bostonians lasses candyy 
 by the New Yorkers, cock-a-nee nee — but by 
 the polite Philadelphians, by a name utterly im- 
 possible to pronounce. 
 
 The Philadelphia ladies are some of them beau- 
 tiful, some of them tolerably good looking, and 
 some of them, to say the truth, are not at all hand- 
 some. They are, however, very agreeable in 
 general, except those who are i-eckoned witty, 
 who, if I might be allowed to speak my mind, are 
 very disagreeable, particularly to young gentle- 
 men, who are travelling for information. Being 
 fond of tea-parties, they are a little given to crit- 
 icism — but are in general remarkably discreet, 
 and very industrious as I have been assured by 
 some of my friends. Take them all in all, how- 
 ever, they are much inferior to the ladies of New 
 York, as plainly appears from several young gen- 
 tlemen having fallen in love with some of our 
 belles, after resisting all the female attractions of 
 Philadelphia. From this inferiority, I except 
 one, who is the most amiable, the most accom- 
 plished, the most bewitching, and the most of 
 everything that constitutes the divinity of woman 
 — mem. — golden apple ! 
 
230 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 The amusements of the Philadelphians are dan- 
 cing, punning, tea-parties, and theatrical exhibitions. 
 In the first, they are far inferior to the young 
 people of New York, owing to the misfortune of 
 their mostly preferring to idle away time in the 
 cultivation of the head instead of the heels. It is 
 a melancholy fact that an infinite number of 
 young ladies in Philadelphia, whose minds are 
 elegantly accomplished in literature, have sacri- 
 ficed to the attainment of such trifling acquisitions, 
 the pigeon-wing, the waltz, the Cossack dance, and 
 other matters of equal importance. On the other 
 hand, they excel the New Yorkers in punning, and 
 in tiie management of tea-parties. In New York 
 you never hear, except from some young gentle- 
 man just returned from a visit to Philadelphia, a 
 single attempt at punning, and at a tea-party, the 
 ladies in general are disposed close together, like 
 a setting of jewels, or pearls round a locket, in all 
 the majesty of good behavior — and if a gentle- 
 man wishes to have a conversation with one of 
 them, about the backwardness of the spring, the 
 improvements in the theatre, or the merits of his 
 horse, he is obliged to march up in the face of 
 such volleys of eye-shot ! such a formidable ar- 
 tillery of glances ! If he escapes annihilation, 
 be should cry out a miracle ! and never encounter 
 such dangers again. I remember to have once 
 heard a very valiant British officer, who had 
 served with great credit for some years in the 
 train-bands, declare with a veteran oath, that 
 sooner than encounter such deadly peril, he would 
 fight his way clear through a London mob, though 
 
A DISCOMFITED OFFICER. 231 
 
 he were pelted with brick-bats all the time. 
 Some ladies who were present at this declaration 
 of the gallant officer, were inclined to consider it 
 a great compliment, until one, more knowing than 
 the rest, declared, with a little piece of a sneer, 
 *' that they were very mucli obliged to him for 
 likening the company to a London mob, and their 
 glances to brick-bats." The officer looked blue, 
 turned on his heel, made a fine retreat, and went 
 home with a determination to quiz the American 
 ladies as soon as he got to London. 
 
NO. XL — TUESDAY, JUNE 2, 1807. 
 
 LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELT 
 
 KHAN, 
 
 CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL 
 SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OP 
 TRIPOLI. 
 
 HE deep shadows of midnight gather 
 around me ; the footsteps of the pas- 
 IMfiJ^I sengers have ceased in the streets, and 
 nothing disturbs the holy silence of the hour 
 save the sound of the distant drums, mingled 
 with the shouts, the bawlings, and the discordant 
 revelry of his majesty, the Sovereign Mob. Let 
 the hour be sacred to friendship, and consecrated 
 to thee, O thou brother of my inmost soul ! 
 
 O Asem ! I almost shrink at the recollection 
 of the scenes of confusion, of licentious disorgan- 
 ization which I have witnessed during the last 
 three days. I have beheld this whole city, nay, 
 this whole State, given up to the tongue and the 
 pen; to the puffers, the bawlers, the babblers, 
 and the slangwhange;rs. I have beheld the com- 
 munity convulsed with a civil war, or civil talk ; 
 individuals verbally massacred, families annihi- 
 lated by whole sheets full, and slang wh angers 
 coolly bathing their pens in ink and rioting in 
 
AN ELECTION. 233 
 
 the slaughter of their thousands. I have seen, 
 in short, that awful despot, the People, in the 
 moment of unlimited power, wielding newspapers 
 in one hand, and with the other scattering mud 
 and filth about, like some desperate lunatic re- 
 lieved from the restraints of his strait waistcoat. 
 I have seen beggars on horseback, ragamuffins 
 riding in coaches, and swine seated in places of 
 honor ; I have seen liberty ; I have seen equal- 
 ity ; I have seen fraternity. I have seen that 
 great political puppet-show — an Election. 
 
 A few days ago the friend, whom T have men- 
 tioned in some of my former letters, called upon 
 me to accompany him to witness this grand cere- 
 mony ; and we forthwith sallied out to the polls, 
 as he called them. Thouijli for several weeks 
 before this splendid exhibition nothing else had 
 been talked of, yet I do assure thee I was en- 
 tirely ignorant of its nature ; and when, on com- 
 ing up to a church, my companion informed me 
 we were at the polls, I supposed that an election 
 was some great religious ceremony, like the fast 
 of Ramazan, or the great festival of Haraphat, 
 so celebrated in the East. 
 
 My friend, however, undeceived me at once, 
 and entered into a long dissertation on the nature 
 and object of an election, the substance of which 
 was nearly to this effect : — 
 
 " You know," said he, "^hat this country is 
 engaged in a violent internal warfare, and suffers 
 a variety of evils fi'om civil dissensions. An 
 election is the grand trial of strength, the deci- 
 sive battle when the belligerents draw out their 
 
234 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 forces in martial array ; when every leader, 
 burning with warlike ardor, and encoui-aged by 
 the shouts and acclamations of tatterdemalions, 
 buffoons, dependents, parasites, toad-eaters, scrubs, 
 vagrants, mumpers, ragamuffins, bravos, and beg- 
 gars in his rear ; and puffed up by his bellows- 
 blowing slang whangers, waves gallantly the ban- 
 ners of faction, and presses forward to office and 
 immortality ! 
 
 " For a month or two previous to the critical 
 period which is to decide this important affair, 
 the whole community is in a ferment. Every 
 man, of whatever rank or degree — such is the 
 wonderful patriotism of the people — disinterest- 
 edly neglects his business to devote himself to 
 his country ;' and not an insignificant fellow but 
 feels himself inspired, on this occasion, with as 
 much warmth in favor of the cause he has es- 
 poused, as if all the comfort of his life, or even 
 his life itself, was dependent on the issue. Grand 
 councils of war are,* in the first place, called by 
 the different powers, which are dubbed general 
 meetings, where all the head workmen of the 
 party collect, and arrange the order of battle — 
 appoint their different commanders, and their 
 subordinate instruments, and furnish the funds 
 indispensable for supplying the expenses of the 
 war. Inferior councils are next called in the 
 different classes or wards, consisting of young 
 cadets, who are catiaidates for offices ; idlers who 
 come there for mere curiosity ; and orators who 
 appear for the purpose of detailing all the crimes, 
 the faults, or the weaknesses of their opponents; 
 
POLITICAL ORATORY. 235 
 
 and speaking the sense of the meeting^ as it is 
 called ; for as the meeting generally consists of 
 men whose quota of sense, taken individually, 
 would make but a poor figure, these orators are 
 appointed to collect it all in a lump ; when, I 
 assure you, it makes a very formidable appear- 
 ance, and furnishes sufficient matter to spin an 
 oration of two or three hours. 
 
 *' The orators who declaim at these meetings 
 are, with a few exceptions, men of most profound 
 and perplexed eloquence ; who are the oracles of 
 barbers' shops, market-places, and porter-houses; 
 and whom you may see every day at the corners 
 of the streets, taking honest men prisoners by the 
 button, and talking their ribs quite bare without 
 mercy and without end. These orators, in ad- 
 dressing an audience, generally mount a chair, a 
 table, or an empty beer barrel, which last is sup- 
 posed to afford considerable inspiration, and thun- 
 der away their combustible sentiments at the 
 heads of the audience, who are genei-ally so 
 busily employed in smoking, drinking, and hear- 
 ing themselves talk, that they seldom hear a word 
 of the matter. This, however, is of little mo- 
 ment: for as they come there to agree, at all 
 events, to a certain set of resolutions, or articles 
 of war, it is not • at all necessary to hear tlie 
 speech ; more especially as few would understand 
 it if they did. Do not suppose, however, that 
 the minor persons of the meeting are entirely 
 idle. Besides smoking and drinking, which are 
 generally practiced, there are few who do not 
 come with as great a desire to talk as the orator 
 
236 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 himself; each has his little circle of listeners, in 
 the midst of whom he sets his hat on one side of 
 his head, and deals out matter-of-fact information, 
 and draws self-evident conclusions with the perti- 
 nacity of a pedant, and to the great edification 
 of his gaping auditors. Nay, the very urchins 
 from the nursery, who are scarcely emancipated 
 from the dominion of birch, on these occasions 
 strut pigmy great men, bellow for the instruction 
 of gray-bearded ignorance, and, like the frog in 
 the fable, endeavor to puff themselves up to the 
 size of the great object of their emulation — the 
 principal orator. 
 
 " But is it not preposterous to a degree," cried 
 I, "for those puny whipsters to attempt to lecture 
 age and experience ? They should be sent to 
 school to learn better." 
 
 " Not at all," replied my friend ; '- for as an 
 election is nothing moi-e than a war of words, 
 the man that can wag his tongue witli the great- 
 est elasticity, whether he speaks to the purpose or 
 not, is entitled to lecture at ward meetings and 
 polls, and instruct all who are inclined to listen 
 to him ; you may have remarked a ward meeting 
 of politic dogs, where, although the great dog is, 
 ostensibly, the leader, and makes the most noise, 
 yet every little scoiuidrel of a cur has something 
 to say ; and in proportion to his insignificance, 
 fidgets, and worries, and puffs about mightily, in 
 order to obtain the notice and approbation of his 
 betters. Thus it is with these little, beardless, 
 bread-and-butter politicians, who on this occasion 
 escape from the jurisdiction of their mammas to 
 
ELECTION TACTICS. 237 
 
 attend to the affairs of the nation. You will see 
 them engaged in dreadful wordy contest with old 
 cartmen, cobblers, and tailors, and plume them- 
 selves not a little if they should chance to gain a 
 victory. Aspiring spirits ! how interesting are 
 the first dawnings of political greatness ! An 
 election, my friend, is a nursery or hot- bed of 
 genius in a logocracy ; and I look with enthu- 
 siasm on a troop of these Lilliputian partisans, as 
 so many chatterers, and oiators and puffers, and 
 slang-whangers in embryo, who will one day take 
 an important part in the quarrels and wordy wars 
 of their country. 
 
 " As the time for fighting the decisive battle 
 approaches, appearances become more and more 
 alarming; committees are appointed, who hold 
 little encampments from whence they send out 
 small detachments of tattlers, to reconnoitre, 
 harass, and skirmish with the enemy, and, if 
 possible, ascertain their numbers ; everybody 
 seems big with the mighty event that is impend- 
 ing ; the orators, they gradually swell up beyond 
 their usual size ; the little orators, they grow 
 greater and greater ; the secretaries of the ward 
 committees strut about, looking like wooden ora- 
 cles ; the puffers put on the airs of mighty con- 
 sequence ; the slang-whangers deal out direful 
 innuendoes, and threats of doughty import, and 
 all is buzz, murmur, suspense, and sublimity ! 
 
 " At length the day arrives. The storm that 
 has been so long gathering and threatening in 
 distant thunders, bursts forth in terrible explo- 
 sion ; all business is at an end ; the whole city is 
 
238 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 in a tumult ; the people are running helter-skel- 
 ter, they know not whither, and they know not 
 why; the hackney coaches rattle through the 
 streets with thundering vehemence, loaded with 
 recruiting sergeants who have been prowling in 
 cellars and caves, to unearth some miserable min- 
 ion of poverty and ignorance, who will barter his 
 vote for a glass of beer, or a ride in a coach with 
 such Jine gentlemen! the buzzards of the party 
 scamper from poll to poll, on foot or on horse- 
 back ; and they worry from committee to com- 
 mittee, and buzz, and fume, and talk big, and — 
 do nothing ; like the vagabond drone, who wastes 
 his time in the laborious idleness of see-saw-song 
 and busy nothingness." 
 
 I know not how long my friend would have 
 continued his detail, had he not been interrupted 
 by a squabble which took place between two old 
 continentals, as they were called. It seems they 
 had entered into an argument on the respective 
 merits of their cause, and not being able to make 
 each other clearly understood, resorted to what is 
 called knock-down arguments, which form the 
 superlative degree of argumentum ad hominem ; 
 but are, in my opinion, extremely inconsistent 
 with the true spirit of a genuine logocracy. 
 After they had beaten each other soundly, and 
 set the whole mob together by the ears, they 
 came to a full explanation ; when it was discov- 
 ered that they were both of the same way of 
 thinking ; whereupon they shook each other hear- 
 tily by the hand, and laughed with great glee at 
 their humorous raisunderstandinfir. 
 
THE SOVEREIGN PEOPLE. 239 
 
 I could not help being struck with the exceed- 
 ing great number of ragged, dirty-looking persons 
 that swaggered about the place, and seemed to 
 think themselves the bashaws of the land. I in- 
 quired of my friend if these people were em- 
 ployed to drive away the hogs, dogs, and other 
 intruders that might thrust themselves in and in- 
 terrupt the ceremony ? 
 
 " By no means," replied he ; " these are the 
 representatives of the sovereign people, who come 
 here to make governors, senators, and members 
 of assembly, and are the source of all power and 
 authority in this nation." 
 
 " Preposterous ! " said I ; " how is it possible 
 that such men can be capable of distinguishing 
 between an honest man and a knave ; or, even if 
 they were, will it not always happen that they 
 are led by the nose by some intriguing dema- 
 gogue, and made the mere tools of ambitious po- 
 litical jugglers ? Surely it would be better to 
 trust to Providence, or even to chance, for gover- 
 nors, than resort to the discriminating powers 
 of an ignorant mob. I plainly perceive the con- 
 sequence. A man, who possesses superior talents, 
 and that honest pride which ever accompanies 
 this possession, will always be sacrificed by some 
 creeping insect who will prostitute himself to 
 familiarity with the lowest of mankind ; and, like 
 the idolatrous Egyptian, worship the wallowing 
 tenants of filth and mire." 
 
 " All this is true enough," replied my friend, 
 *' but after all, you cannot say but that this is a 
 free country, and that the people can get drunk 
 
240 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 cheaper here, particularly at elections, than in the 
 despotic countries of the East." I could not, 
 with any degree of propriety or truth, deny this 
 last assertion ; for just at that moment a patriotic 
 brewer arrived with a load of beer, which, for a 
 moment, occasioned a cessation of argument. 
 The great crowd of buzzards, puffers, and " old 
 continentals " of all parties, who throng to the 
 polls, to persuade, to cheat, or to force the free- 
 holders into the right way, and to maintain the 
 freedom of suffrage, seemed for a moment to for- 
 get their antipathies, and joined heartily in a 
 copious libation of this patriotic and argumenta- 
 tive beverage. 
 
 These beer-barrels, indeed, seem to be most 
 able logicians, well stored with tliat kind of sound 
 argument best suited to the comprehension, and 
 most relished by the mob, or sovereign people, 
 who are never so tractable as when operated 
 upon by this convincing liquor, which, in fact, 
 seems to be imbued with the very spirit of a log- 
 ocracy. No sooner does it begin its operation, 
 than the tongue waxes exceeding: valorous, and 
 becomes impatient for some mighty conflict. 
 The puffer puts himself at the head of his body- 
 guard of buzzards, and his legion of ragamuffins, 
 and woe then to every unhappy adversary who 
 is uninspired by the deity of the beer-barrel — 
 he is sure to be talked, and argued, into complete 
 insignificance. 
 
 While I was making these observations, I was 
 surprised to observe a bashaw, high in ofiice, 
 shaking a fellow by the hand, that looked rather 
 
HUMILITY. 241 
 
 more ragged than a scarecrow, and inquiring with 
 apparent solicitude concerning the health of his 
 family ; after which he slipped a little folded pa- 
 per into his hand and turned away. I could 
 not help applauding his humility in shaking the 
 fellow's hand, and his benevolence in relieving 
 his distresses, for [ imagined the paper contained 
 something for the poor man's necessities ; and truly 
 he seemed verging toward the last stage of star- 
 vation. My friend, however, soon undeceived me 
 by saying that this was an elector, and that the 
 bashaw had merely given him the list of can- 
 didates for whom he was to vote. 
 
 " Ho ! ho ! " said T, " then he is a particular 
 friend of the bashaw ? " 
 
 " By no means," replied my friend, " the ba- 
 shaw will pass him without notice, the day after 
 the election, except, perhaps, just to drive over 
 him with his coach." 
 
 My friend then proceeded to inform me that 
 for some time before, and during the continuance 
 of an election, there was a most delectable court- 
 ship, or intrigue carried on between the great 
 bashaws and the mother mob. That mother Mob 
 generally preferred the attentions of the rabble, 
 or of fellows of her own stamp ; but would some- 
 times condescend to be treated to a feasting, or 
 anything of that kind, at the bashaw's expense I 
 Nay, sometimes when she was in good humor, she 
 would condescend to toy with him in her rough 
 way : but woe to the bashaw who attempted to 
 be familiar with her, for she was the most petu- 
 lant, cross, crabbed, scolding, thieving, scratching, 
 16 
 
242 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 toping, wrongheaded, rebellious, and abominable 
 iermaaant that ever was let loose in the world to 
 the confusion of honest gentlemen bashaws. 
 
 Just then a fellow came round and distributed 
 amon» the crowd a number of handbills, written 
 by the ghost of Washington, the fame of whose 
 illustrious actions, and still more illustrious virtues, 
 have reached even the remotest regior»s of the 
 East, and who is venerated by this people as the 
 Father of his country. On reading this paltry 
 paper, I could not restrain my indignation. " In- 
 sulted hero,'' cried I, " is it thus thy name is pro- 
 faned, thy memory disgraced, thy spirit drawn 
 down from heaven to administer to the brutal vi- 
 olence of party rage ? It is thus the necroman- 
 cers of the East, by their infernal incantations, 
 sometimes call up the shades of the just, to give 
 their sanction to frauds, to lies, and to every spe- 
 cies of enormity." My friend smiled at my 
 warmth, and observed, that raising ghosts, and 
 not only raising them but making them speak, 
 was one of the miracles of election. " And be- 
 lieve me," continued he, " there is good reason for 
 the ashes of departed heroes being disturbed on 
 these occasions, for such is the sandy foundation 
 of our government, that there never happens an 
 election of an alderman, or a collector, or even a 
 constable, but we are in imminent danger of los- 
 ing our liberties, and becoming a province of 
 France, or tributary to the British islands." '' By 
 the hump of Mahomet's camel," said I, " but this 
 is only another striking example of the prodigious 
 great scale on which everything is transacted in 
 this country 1 " 
 
A ROW. ' 243 
 
 By this time I had become tired of the scene ; 
 my head ached with the uproar of voices, ming- 
 ling in all the discordant tones of triumphant 
 exclamation, nonsensical argument, intemperate 
 reproach, and drunken absurdity. The confu- 
 sion was such as no language can adequately 
 describe, and it seemed as if all the restraints of 
 decency, and all tlie bands of law, had been 
 broken and given place to the wide ravages of 
 licentious brutality. These, thought I, are the 
 orgies of liberty ! these are manifestations of the 
 spirit of independence ! these are the symbols of 
 man's sovereignty ! Head of Mahomet ! with 
 what a fatal and inexorable despotism do empty 
 names and ideal phantoms exercise their domin- 
 ion over the human mind ! The experience of 
 ages has demonstrated, that in all nations, bar- 
 barous or enlightened, the mass of the people, 
 the mob, must be slaves, or they will be tyrants ; 
 but their tyranny will not be long : some ambi- 
 tious leader, having at first condescended to be 
 their slave, will at length become their master ; 
 and in proportion to the vileness of his former 
 servitude, will be the severity of his subsequent 
 tyranny. Yet, with innumerable examples staring 
 them in the face, the people still bawl out lib- 
 erty ; by which they mean nothing but freedom 
 from every species of legal restraint, and a war- 
 rant foi* all kinds of licentiousness : and the 
 bashaws and leaders, in courting the mob, convince 
 them of their power ; and by administering to 
 their passions, for the purposes of ambition, at 
 length learn, by fatal experience, that he who 
 
244 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 worships the beast that carries him on his back, 
 will sooner or later be thrown into the dust, and 
 trampled under foot by the animal who has 
 learnt the secret of its power, by this very ado- 
 ration. Ever thine, Mustapha.. 
 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 
 
 MINE UNCLE JOHN. 
 
 TO those whose habits of abstraction may 
 have let them into some of the secrets of 
 their own minds, and whose freedom from daily 
 toil has left them at leisure to analyze their feel- 
 ings, it will be nothing new to say that the 
 present is peculiarly the season of remembrance. 
 The flowers, the zephyrs, and the warblers of 
 spring, returning after their tedious absence, 
 bring naturally to our recollection past times 
 and buried feelings ; and the whispers of the 
 full-foliaged grove fall on the ear of contempla- 
 tion, like the sweet tones of far distant friends 
 whom the rude jostlers of the world have 
 severed from us and cast far beyond our reach. 
 It is at such times, that, casting backward many 
 a lingering look, we recall, with a kind of sweet- 
 souled melancholy, the days of our youth, and 
 the jocund companions who started with us the 
 race of life, but parted midway in the journey 
 to pursue some winding path that allured them 
 with a prospect more seducing, and never re- 
 
MY UNCLE JOHN. 245 
 
 turned to us again. It is then, too, if we have 
 been afflicted with any heavy sorrow, if we have 
 even lost — and who has not! — an old friend or 
 chosen companion, that his shade will hover 
 around us ; the memory of his virtues press on 
 the heart ; and a thousand endearing recollec- 
 tions, forgotton amidst the cold pleasures and 
 midnight dissipations of winter, arise to our re- 
 membrance. 
 
 These speculations bring to my mind my 
 uncle John, the history of whose loves and dis- 
 appointments I have promised to the world. 
 Though I must own myself much addicted to 
 forgetting my promises, yet, as I iiave been so 
 happily reminded of this, I believe I must pay 
 it at once, " and there is an end." Lest my 
 readers — good-natured souls that they are! — 
 should, in the ardor of peeping into millstones, 
 take my uncle for an old acquaintance, 1 here 
 inform them, that the old orentleman died a o-reat 
 many years ago, and it is impossible they should 
 ever have known him. I pity them — for they 
 would have known a good-natured, benevolent 
 man, whose example might have been of service. 
 
 The last time I saw my uncle John, was fif- 
 teen years ago, when I paid him a visit at his 
 old mansion. I found him reading a newspaper 
 — for it was election-time, and he was always a 
 warm Federalist, and had made several converts 
 to the true political faith in his time ; particu- 
 larly one old tenant who always, just before the 
 
 election, became a violent anti in order that 
 
 lie might be convinced of his errors by my 
 
246 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 uncle, who never failed to reward his conviction 
 by some substantial benefit. 
 
 After we had settled the affairs of the nation, 
 and I had paid my respects to the old family 
 chroniclers in the kitchen — an indispensable 
 ceremony — the old gentleman exclaimed, with 
 heartfelt glee, " Well, I suppose you are for a 
 trout-fishing; I have got everything prepared; 
 but first you must take a walk with me to see 
 my improvements." 1 was obliged to consent ; 
 though 1 knew my uncle would lead me a most 
 villainous dance, and in all probability treat me 
 to a quagmire, or a tumble into a ditch. If my 
 readers choose to accompany me in this expedi- 
 tion, they are welcome ; if not, let them stay 
 at home like lazy fellows — and sleep — or be 
 hanged. 
 
 Though I had been absent several years, yet 
 there was very little alteration in the scenery, 
 and every object retained the same features it 
 bore when I was a school-boy : for it was in this 
 spot that I grew up in the fear of ghosts, and in 
 the breaking of many of the ten commandments. 
 The brook, or river, as they would call it in 
 Europe, still murmured with its wonted sweet- 
 ness through the meadow ; and its banks were 
 still tufted with dwarf willows, that bent down 
 to the surface. The same echo inhabited the 
 valley, and the same tender air of repose per- 
 vaded the whole scene. Even my good uncle 
 was but little altered, except that his hair was 
 grown a little grayer, and his forehead had lost 
 some of its former smoothness. He had, however, 
 
A RURAL WALK. 247 
 
 lost nothing of his former activity, and huighed 
 heartily at the difficulty I found in keeping up 
 with him as he stumped through bushes, and 
 briers, and hedges ; talking all the time about his 
 improvements, and telling what he would do 
 with such a spot of ground and such a tree. At 
 length, after showing me his stone fences, his 
 famous two-year-old bull, his new invented cart, 
 which was to go before the horse, and his Eclipse 
 colt, he was pleased to return home to dinner. 
 
 After dinner and returning thanks — which 
 with him was not a ceremony merely, but an 
 offering from the heart — my uncle opened his 
 trunk, took out his fishing-tackle, and, without 
 saying a word, sallied forth with some of those 
 truly alarming steps which Daddy Neptune once 
 took when he was in a great hurry to attend the 
 affair of the siege of Troy. Trout-fishing was 
 my uncle's favorite sport ; and, though I always 
 caught two fish for his one, he never would ac- 
 knowledge my superiority ; but puzzled himself 
 often and often, to account for such a singular 
 phenomenon. 
 
 Following the current of the brook, for a mile 
 or two, we retraced many of our old haunts, and 
 told a hundred adventures which had befallen us 
 at different times. It was like snatching the 
 hour-glass of time, inverting it, and rolling back 
 again the sands that had marked the lapse of 
 years. At length the shadows began to lengthen, 
 the south wind gradually settled into a perfect 
 calm, the sun threw his rays through the trees 
 on the hill-tops in golden lustre, and a kind of 
 
248 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 Sabbath stillness pervaded the whole valley, indi- 
 cating that the hour was fast approaching which 
 was to relieve for a while the farmer from liis 
 rural labor, the ox from his toil, the school urchin 
 from his primer, and bring the loving ploughman 
 home to the feet of his blooming dairy-maid. 
 
 As we were watching in silence the last rays 
 of the sun, beaming their farewell radiance on the 
 high hills at a distance, my uncle exclaimed, in a 
 kind of half desponding tone, while he rested 
 his arm over an old tree that had fallen : " I know 
 not how it is, my dear Launce, but sucii an even- 
 ing, and such a still, quiet scene as this, always 
 makes me a little sad ; and it is at such a time I 
 am most apt to look forward with regret to the 
 period when this farm, on which ' 1 have been 
 young but now am old,' and QXQry object around 
 me that is endeared by long acquaintance — when 
 all these and I must shake hands and part. I 
 have no fear of death, for my life has afforded 
 but little temptation to wickedness ; and when I 
 die, I hope to leave behind me more substantial 
 proofs of virtue than will be fonnd in my epitaph, 
 and more lasting memorials than churches built 
 or hospitals endowed, with wealth wrung from the 
 hard hand of poverty, by an unfeeling landlord or 
 unprincipled knave ; but still, when I pass such a 
 day as this and contemplate such a scene, I can- 
 not help feeling a latent wisli to linger yet a little 
 longer in this peaceful asylum ; to enjoy a little 
 more sunshine in this world, and to have a few 
 more fishing matches with my boy." As he end- 
 ed, he raised his hand a little from the fallen tiee, 
 
A CAUTIOUS MAN. 249 
 
 fliid, dropping it languidly by his side, turned him- 
 self toward home. The sentiment, the look, the 
 action, all seemed to be prophetic. And so they 
 were, for when I shook him by the hand, and bade 
 him farewell the next morning — it was for the 
 last time ! 
 
 He died a bachelor, at the age of sixty-three, 
 thousrh he had been all his life tryini? to G^et mar- 
 ried, and always thought himself on the point of 
 accomplishing his wishes. His disappointments 
 were not owing either to the deformity of his mind 
 or person ; for in his youth he was reckoned 
 handsome, and 1 myself can witness for him that 
 he had as kind a heart as ever was fashioned by 
 heaven ; neither were they owing to his poverty 
 
 — which sometimes stands in an honest man's 
 way — for he was born to the inheritance of a 
 small estate which was sufficient to e^^tablish his 
 claim to the title of " one well to do in the world." 
 The truth is, my uncle had a prodigious antipathy 
 to doing things in a hurry. " A man should con- 
 sider," said he to ine once, " that he can always 
 get a wife, but cannot always get rid of her. For 
 my part," continued he, " I am a younn; fellow, 
 with the world befc^re me " — he was about forty ! 
 
 — " and am resolved to look sharp, wei<i;h matters 
 well, and know what's what, before I marry : in 
 short, Launce, / don't intend to ,do the thing in a 
 hurry, depend upon itr On this whim wham he 
 proceeded. He began with young girls, and end- 
 ed with widows. The girls he courted until they 
 grew old maids, or married out of pure appre- 
 hension of incuiring certain penalties hereafter; 
 
250 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 and the widows, not having quite as much pa- 
 tience, generally, at the end of a year, while the 
 good man thought himself in the high road to suc- 
 cess, married some harum-scarum young fellow 
 who had not such an antipathy to doing tJiings in 
 a hurry. 
 
 My uncle would have inevitably sunk under 
 these repeated disappointments — for he did not 
 want sensibility — had he not hit upon a discov- 
 ery which set all to rights at once. He consoled 
 his vanity — for he was a little vain, and soothed 
 his pride — which was his master passion — by 
 telling his friends very significantly, while his eye 
 would flash triumph, ^Hhathe might have hadher^ 
 Those who know how much of the bitterness of 
 disappointed affection arises from wounded vanity 
 and exasperated pride, will give my uncle credit 
 for this discovery. 
 
 My uncle had been told by a prodigious num- 
 ber of married men, and had read in an innumer- 
 able quantity of books, that a man could not pos- 
 sibly be happy except in the marriage state ; so 
 he determined at an early age to marry, that he 
 might not lose his otdy chance for happiness. 
 He, accordingly, forthwith paid his addresses to 
 the daughter of a neighboring gentleman farmer, 
 who was reckoned the beauty of the whole world ; 
 El phrase by which the honest country people mean 
 nothing more than the circle of their acquaintance, 
 or that territory of land which is within sight of 
 the smoke of their own hamlet. 
 
 This young lady, in addition to her beauty, was 
 highly accomplished, for she had spent five or six 
 
AN ACCOMPLISHED LADY. 251 
 
 months at a board in o^-school in town, where she 
 learned to work pictures in satin and paint sheep, 
 that might be mistaken for wolves ; to hold up 
 her head, sit straight in her chair, and to think 
 every species of useful acquirement beneatli her 
 attention. When she returned home, so complete- 
 ly had she forgotten everything she knew before, 
 that on seeing one of the maids milking a cow, 
 she asked her father, with an air of most enchant- 
 ing ignorance, " what tliat odd-looking thing was 
 doing to that queer animal ? " The old man shook 
 his head at this ; but the mother was delighted at 
 these symptoms of gentility, and so enamored of 
 her daughter's accomplishments that she actually 
 got framed a picture worked in satin by the young 
 lady. It represented the tomb scene in Romeo 
 and Juliet. Romeo was dressed in an orange- 
 colored cloak, fastened round his neck with a laige 
 golden clasp ; a white satin tamboured waistcoat, 
 leather breeches, blue silk stockings, and white 
 topped boots. The amiable Juliet shone in a 
 flame-colored gown, most gorgeously bespangled 
 with silver stars, a high crowned muslin cap that 
 reached to the top of the tomb ; on her feet she 
 wore a pair of short-quai-fered high-heeled shoes, 
 and her waist was the exact fac-simile of an in- 
 verted sugarloaf. The head of the '' noble county 
 Paris " looked like a chimney sweeper's brush 
 that had lost its handle, and the cloak of the 
 good Friar hung about him as gracefully as the 
 armor of a rhinoceios. The good lady considered 
 this picture as a splendid proof of her daughter's 
 acconiplishments, and hung it up in the best par- 
 
252 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 lor, as ail honest tradesman does his certificate of 
 admission into that enlightened body yclept the 
 Mechanic Society. 
 
 With this accomplished young lady then did 
 my uncle John become deeply enamored, and, as 
 it was his first love, he determined to bestir him- 
 self in an extraordinary manner. Once at least 
 in a fortnight, and generally on a Sunday evening, 
 he would put on his leather breeches, for he was 
 a great beau, mount his gray horse Pepper, and 
 ride over to see his Miss Pamela, though she lived 
 upward of a mile off, and he was obliged to pass 
 close by a churchyard, wliich at least a hundred 
 creditable persons would swear was haunted ! 
 Miss Pamela could not be insensible to such 
 proofs of attachment, and accordingly received 
 him with considerable kindness ; her mother al- 
 ways left the room when he came, and my uncle 
 had as good as made a declaration, by saying, one 
 eveninor, very significantlv, " that he believed that 
 he should soon change his condition ; " when, some- 
 how or other, he began to think he was doing 
 things in too great a hurry^ and that it was high 
 time to consider ; so he considered near a month 
 about it, and there is no saying how much longer 
 he might have spun the thread of his doubts had 
 he not been roused from this state of indecision, 
 by the news that liis mistress had married an 
 attorney's apprentice, whom she had seen the Sun- 
 day V)efore at church ; where he had excited the 
 applauses of the whole congregation by the invin- 
 cible gravity with which he listened to a Dutch 
 .sermon. The young people in the neighborhood 
 
/ MIGHT HAVE HAD HER. 253 
 
 laughed a good deal at my uncle on the occasion, 
 but he only shrugged his shoulders, looked mys- 
 terious, and replied, •' Tut, hoys! I might have had 
 herr 
 
 NOTE BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 
 
 Our publisher, who is busily engaged in printing a celebra- 
 ted work, which is perhaps more generally read in this city 
 than any other book, not excepting the Bible — I mean the 
 New York Directory — has begged so hard that we will not 
 overwhelm him with too much of a good thing, that we have, 
 with LangstatPs approbation, cut short the residue of uncle 
 John's amours. In all probability it will be given in a future 
 number, whenever Launcelot is in the humor for it — he is 
 such an odd — but mum, for fear of another suspension. 
 
NO. XII. — SATURDAY, JUNE 27, 1807. 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 
 
 OME men delight in the study of plants, 
 in the dissection of a leaf, or in the con- 
 tour and complexion of a tulip ; others 
 are charmed with the beauties of the feathered 
 race, or the varied hues of the insect tribe. A nat- 
 uralist will spend hours in the fatiguing pursuit 
 of a butterfly, and a man of the ton will waste 
 whole years in the chase of a fine lady. I feel a 
 respect for their avocations, for my own are some- 
 what similar. I love to open the great volume 
 of human character ; to me the examination of 
 a beau is more interesting than that of a daffodil 
 or narcissus, and I feel a thousand times more 
 pleasui'e in catching a new view of human nature, 
 than in kidnapping the most gorgeous butterfly — 
 even an Emperor of Morocco himself! 
 
 In my present situation I have ample room for 
 the indulgence of this taste ; for, perhaps, there 
 is not a house in this city more fertile in subjects 
 for the anatomist of human character, than my 
 Cousin Cockloft's. Honest Christopher, as I have 
 before mentioned, is one of those hearty old cav- 
 aliers who pride themselves upon keeping up the 
 good, honest, unceremonious hospitality of old 
 
ODD HUMANITIES. 255 
 
 times. He is never so happy as when he has 
 drawn about him a knot of sterling-hearted asso- 
 ciates, and sits at the liead of his table dispensing 
 a warm, cheering welcome to all. His counte- 
 nance expands at every glass and beams forth 
 emanations of hilarity, benevolence, and good-fel- 
 lowship, that inspiie and gladden every guest 
 around him. It is no wonder, therefore, that such 
 excellent social qualities should attract a host of 
 friends and guests ; in fact, my cousin is almost 
 overwhelmed with them, and they all, uniformly, 
 pronounce old Cockloft to be one of the finest old 
 fellows in the world. His wine also always 
 comes in for a good share of their approbation ; 
 nor do they forget to do honor to Mrs. Cockloft's 
 cookery, pronouncing it to be modeled after the 
 most approved recipes of Heliogabalus and Mrs. 
 Glasse. The variety of company thus attracted 
 is particularly pleasing to me ; for, being consid- 
 ered a privileged person in the family, I can sit 
 in a corner, indulge in my favorite amusement 
 of observation, and retreat to my elbow-chair like 
 a bee to his hive, whenever I have collected suf- 
 ficient food for meditation. 
 
 Will Wizard is particularly efficient in adding 
 to the stock of originals which frequent our house ; 
 for he is one of the most inveterate hunters of 
 oddities 1 ever knew ; and his first care, on mak- 
 ing a new acquaintance, is to gallant him to old 
 Cockloft's, where he never fails to receive the 
 freedom of the house in a pinch from his gold 
 box. Will has, without exception, the queerest, 
 most eccentric, and indescribable set of intimates 
 
256 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 that ever man possessed ; how he became ac- 
 quainted with them I cannot conceive, except by 
 supposing there is a secret attraction or unintel- 
 ligible sympathy that unconsciously draws together 
 oddities of every soil. 
 
 Will's great crony for some time was Tom 
 Straddle, to whom he took a great liking. Strad- 
 dle had just arrived in an importation of hard- 
 ware, fresh from the city of Birmingham, or 
 rather, as the most learned English would call it, 
 Brummagem^ so famous for its manufactories of 
 gimlets, penknives, and pepper-boxes ; and where 
 they make buttons and beaux enough to inundate 
 our whole country. He was a young man of 
 considerable standing in the manufactory at Bir- 
 mingham, sometimes had the honor to hand his 
 master's daughter into a tim-whisky, was the ora- 
 cle of the tavern he frequented on Sundays, and 
 could beat all his associates, if you would take his 
 word for it, in boxing, beer-drinking,jumping over 
 chairs, and imitating cats in a gutter and opera 
 singers. Straddle was, moreover, a member of a 
 Catch Club, and was a great hand at ringing bob- 
 majors ; he was, of course, a complete connoisseur 
 of music, and entitled to assume that character at 
 all performances in the art. He was likewise a 
 member of a Spouting Club, had seen a company 
 of strolUug actors perform in a barn, and had even, 
 like Abel Drugger, " enacted " tlie part of Major 
 Sturgeon with considerable applause ; he was con- 
 sequently a profound critic, and fully authorized 
 to turn up his nose at any American performances. 
 He had twice partaken of annual dinners, given 
 
TOM STRADDLE. 257 
 
 to the head manufacturers of Birminf^ham, where 
 he had the good fortune to get a taste of turtle 
 and turbot, and a smack of champagne and Bur- 
 gundy ; and he had heard a vast deal of the roast- 
 beef of Old England ; he was therefore epicure 
 sufficient to d — n every dish, and every glass of 
 wine he tasted in America, though, at the same 
 time, lie was as voracious an animal as ever 
 crossed the Atlantic. Straddle had been splashed 
 half-a-dozen times by the carriages of nobility, 
 and had once the superlative felicity of being 
 kicked out of doors by the footman of a noble 
 duke; he could, therefore, talk of nobility and de- 
 spise the untitled plebeians of America. In short, 
 Straddle was one of those dapper, bustling, florid, 
 round, self impoi'tant ^'' gemmen " who bounce upon 
 us, half beau, half button-maker : undertake to 
 give us the true polish of the hon ton, and en- 
 deavor to inspire us with a proper and dignified 
 contempt of our native country. 
 
 Straddle was quite in raptures when his em- 
 ployers determined to send him to America as an 
 ngenf. He considered himself as going among a 
 nation of barbarians, where he would be received 
 as a prodigy ; he anticipated, with a proud satis- 
 faction, the bustle and confusion his arrival would 
 occasion ; the crowd that would throng to gaze at 
 him as he passed through the streets ; and had 
 little doubt but that he should occasion as much 
 curiosity as an Indian chief or a Tark in the 
 streets of Birmingham. He had heard of the 
 beauty of our women, and chuckled at the thought 
 of liow completely he should eclipse their unpol- 
 
258 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 ishod beaux, and the number of despairing lovcra 
 that would mourn the hour of his arrival. I am 
 even informed by Will Wizard that he put good 
 store of beads, spike-nails, and looking-glasses in 
 his trunk to win the affections of the fair ones as 
 they paddled about in their bark canoes. The 
 reason Will gave for this error of Straddle's, 
 respecting our ladies, was, that he had read in 
 Guthrie's Geograpiiy that the aborigines of Amer- 
 ica were all savages ; and not exactly understand- 
 ing the word "aborigines," he applied to one of 
 his fellow-apprentices, who assured him that it 
 was the Latin word for inhabitants. 
 
 Wizard used to tell another anecdote of Strad- 
 dle, which always put him in a passion : Will 
 swore that the captain of the ship told him, that 
 when Straddle heard they were off the banks of 
 Newfoundland, he insisted upon going on shore 
 there to gather some good cabbages, of which he 
 was excessively fond. Straddle, however, denied 
 all this, and declared it to be a mischievous quiz 
 of Will Wizard ; who indeed often made himself 
 merry at his expense. However this may be, 
 certain it is, he kept his tailor and shoemaker 
 constantly employed for a month before his de- 
 parture ; equipped himself with a smart crooked 
 stick about eighteen inches long, a pair of 
 breeches of most unheard-of length, a little short 
 pair of Hoby's white-topped boots, that seemed to 
 stand on tip-toe to reach his breeches, and his hat 
 had the true trans-atlantic declination toward his 
 right ear. The fact was — nor did he make any 
 secret of it — he was determined to ^^ astonish the 
 natives a few ! " 
 
BRUMMAGEM SUFFERING. 259 
 
 Straddle was not a little disappointed on his 
 arrival, to find the Americans were rather more 
 civilized than he had imagined ; he was suffered 
 to walk to his lodgings unmolested by a crowd, 
 and even unnoticed by a single individual ; no 
 love-letters came pouring in upon him ; no rivals 
 lay in wait to assassinate him ; his very dress ex- 
 cited no attention, for there were many fools 
 dressed equally ridiculously with himself. This 
 was mortifying indeed to an aspiring youth, who 
 had come out with the idea of astonishing and 
 captivating. He was equally unfortunate in his 
 pretensions to the character of critic, connoisseur, 
 and boxer ; he condemned our whole dramatic 
 corps, and everything appertaining to the theatre ; 
 but his critical abilities were ridiculed ; he found 
 fault with old Cockloft's dinner, not even sparing 
 his wine, and was never invited to the house 
 afterward ; he scoured the streets at night, and 
 was cudgeled by a sturdy watchman ; he hoaxed 
 an honest mechanic, and was soundly kicked. 
 Thus disappointed in all his attempts at notoriety, 
 Straddle hit on the expedient which was resorted 
 to by the Giblets — he determined to take the 
 town by storm. He accordingly bought horses 
 and equipages, and forthwith made a furious dash 
 at style in a gig and tandem. 
 
 As Straddle's finances were but limited, it may 
 easily be supposed that his fashionable career in- 
 fringed a little upon his consignment, which was 
 indeed the case, for, to use a true cockney phrase, 
 Brummagem suffered. But this was a circum- 
 stance that made little impression upon Straddle, 
 
260 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 who was now a lad of spirit, and lads of spirit 
 always despise the sordid cares of keeping another 
 man's money. Suspecting this circumstance, I 
 never could witness any of his exhibitions of 
 style, without some whimsical association of ideas. 
 Did he give an entertaiiunent to a host of guzzling 
 friends, I immediately fancied them gormandizing 
 heartily at the expense of poor Birmingham, and 
 swallowing a consignment of hand-saws and 
 razors. Did I behold him dashing through 
 Broadway in liis gig, I saw him, " in my mind's 
 eye," driving tandem on a nest of tea-boards ; 
 nor could I ever contemplate his cockney ex- 
 hibitions of horsemanship, but my mischievous 
 imagination would picture him spurring a cask 
 of hardware, like rosy Bacchus bestriding a beer 
 barrel, or the little gentleman who bestraddles 
 the world in the front of Hutching's almanac. 
 
 Straddle was equally successful with the Gib- 
 lets, as may well be supposed ; for though pedes- 
 trian merit may strive in vain to become fashion- 
 able in Gotham, yet a candidate in an equipage 
 is always recognized, and like Philip's ass, laden 
 with gold, will gain admittance everywhere. 
 Mounted in his curricle or liis gig, the candidate 
 is like a statue elevated on a high pedestal, his 
 merits are discernible from afar, and strike the 
 dullest optics. O, Gotham, Gotham ! most en- 
 lightened of cities ! — how does my heart swell 
 with delight when I behold your sapient inhabi- 
 tants lavishing their attention with such wonder- 
 ful discernment ! 
 
 Thus Straddle became quite a man of ton, and 
 
STRADDLE'S SUCCESS. 261 
 
 was caressed, and courted, and invited to dinners 
 and balls. Wliatever was absurd or ridiculous 
 in him before, was now declared to be the style. 
 He criticised our theatre, and was listened to 
 with reverence. He pronounced our musical 
 entertainments barbarous ; and the judgment 
 of Apollo himself would not have been more 
 decisive. He abused our dinners : and the god 
 of eating, if there be any such deity, seemed to 
 speak thro*ugh his organs. He became at once 
 a man of taste, for he put his malediction on 
 everything ; and his arguments were conclusive, 
 for he supported every assertion with a bet. He 
 was likewise pronounced, by the learned in the 
 fashionable world, a young man of great research 
 and deep observation ; for he had sent home, as 
 natural curiosities, an ear of Indian corn, a pair 
 of moccasins, a belt of wampum, and a four- 
 leaved clover. He had taken great pains to en- 
 rich this curious collection with an Indian and a 
 cataract, but without success. In fine, the people 
 talked of Straddle and his equipage, and Straddle 
 talked of his horses, until it was impossible for 
 the most critical observer to pronounce, whether 
 Straddle or his horses were most admired, or 
 whether Straddle admired himself or his horses 
 most. 
 
 Straddle was now in the zenith of his glory. 
 He swaggered about parlors and drawing-rooms 
 with the same unceremonious confidence he used 
 to display in the taverns at Birmingham. He 
 accosted a lady as he would a bar-maid ; and this 
 was pronounced a certain proof that he had been 
 
262 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 nsed to better company in Birmingham. He be- 
 came the great man of all the .taverns between 
 New York and Harlem, and no one stood a 
 chance of being accommodated, until Straddle 
 and his horses were perfectly satisfied. He 
 
 d d the landlords and waiters with the best 
 
 air in the world, and accosted them with the true 
 gentlemanly familiarity. He staggered from the 
 dinner-table to the play, entered the box like a 
 tempest, and staid long enough to be bored to 
 death, and to bore all those who had the mis- 
 fortune to be near him. From thence he dashed 
 off to a ball time enough to flounder through a co- 
 tillon, tear half a dozen gowns, commit a num- 
 ber of other depredations, and make the whole 
 company sensible of his infinite condescension 
 in coming amongst them. The people of Go- 
 tham thought him a prodigious fine fellow ; the 
 young bucks cultivated his acquaintance with 
 the most persevering assiduity ; and his retainers 
 were sometimes complimented with a seat in his 
 curricle, or a ride on one of his fine horses. The 
 belles were delighted with the attentions of such 
 a fashionable gentleman, and struck with astonish- 
 ment at his learned distinctions between wrought 
 scissors and those of cast-steel ; together with his 
 profound dissertations on buttons and horse flesh. 
 The rich merchants courted his acquaintance be- 
 cause he was an Englishman, and their wives 
 treated him with great deference because he had 
 come from beyond seas. I cannot help here ob- 
 serving that your salt water is a marvelous great 
 sharpener of men's wits, and I intend to recom- 
 
A BREAK UP. 263 
 
 mend it to some of my acquaintance in a particular 
 essay. 
 
 Straddle continued his brilliant career for only 
 a short time. His prosperous journey over the 
 turnpike of fashion was checked by some of 
 those stumbling-blocks in the way of aspiring 
 youth, called creditors, or duns — a race of peo- 
 ple who, as a celebrated writer observes, "are 
 hated by gods and men." Consignments slack- 
 ened, whispers of distant suspicion floated in the 
 dark, and those pests of society, the tailors and 
 shoemakers, rose in rebellion against Straddle. 
 In vain were all his remonstrances, in vain did 
 he prove to them that though he had given them 
 no money, yet he had given them more custom, 
 and as many promises as any young man in the 
 city. They were inflexible, and the signal of 
 danger being given, a host of other prosecutors 
 pounced upon his back. Straddle saw there was 
 but one way for it ; he determined to do the 
 thing genteelly, to go to smash like a hero, and 
 dashed into the limits in high style, being the 
 fifteenth gentleman I have known to drive tan- 
 dem to the — ne plus ultra — the d 1. 
 
 Unfortunate Straddle ! May thy fate be a 
 warning to all young gentlemen who come out 
 from Birmingham to astonish the natives ! I 
 should never have taken the trouble to delineate 
 his character had he not been a genuine cockney, 
 and worthy to be the representative of his nu- 
 merous tribe. Perhaps my simple countrymen 
 may hereafter be able to distinguish between the 
 real English gentleman, and individuals of the cast 
 
264 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 I have heretofore spoken of, as mere mongrels, 
 springing at one bound from contemptible ob- 
 scurity at home to dayh'ght and splendor in this 
 good-natured land. The true-born and true-bred 
 English gentleman is a character I hold in great 
 respect ; and I love to look back to the period 
 when our forefathers flourished in the same gen- 
 erous soil, and hailed each other as brothers. 
 But the cockney! — when 1 contemplate him as 
 springing, too, from the same source, I feel 
 ashamed of the relationship, and am tempted to 
 deny my origin. In the character of Straddle is 
 traced the complete outline of a true cockney, of 
 EngHsh growth, and a descendant of that indi- 
 vidual facetious character mentioned by Shake- 
 speare, " who, in pure kindness to his horse, hut' 
 tered his hay" ^ 
 
 1 An amusing verification of the fidelity of the character 
 of Tom Straddle, to the type of the Brummagem tourist, is 
 afforded in an anecdote related in a Memoir of Irving, pre- 
 fixed to the Paris edition of his works. " Some j'ears ago," 
 it reads, " a man who was prosecuted in Jamaica, for a libel- 
 ous publication, produced a volume of Salmagundi on his 
 trial. This publication, it appeared, had been copied literally, 
 word for Avord, from the character of Tom Straddle, printed, 
 sold, sent abroad, mischievously enough, to be sure, while 
 one of those English travellers, whom Irving had so delight- 
 fully hit off, was in Jamaica, exploring and astonishing the 
 natives." 
 
A TOUR IN BROADWAY. 265 
 
 THE STRANGER AT HOME ; OR, A TOUR IN BROAD- 
 WAY. 
 
 BY JEREMY COCKLOFT, THE YOUNGER. 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 YOUR learned traveller begins his travels at 
 the commencement of his journey ; others 
 begin theirs at the end ; and a third class begin 
 anyhow and anywhere, which I think is the true 
 way. A hite facetious writer begins what ho 
 calls a " Picture of New York," with a partic- 
 ular description of Glen's Falls, from whence, 
 with admirable dexterity, he makes a digression 
 to the celebrated Mill Rock on Long Island ! 
 Now, this is what I like ; and I intend, in my 
 present tour, to digress as often and as long as I 
 please. If, therefore, I choose to make a hop, 
 skip, and jump to China, or New Holland, or 
 Terra Incognita, or Communipaw, I can produce 
 a host of examples to justify me, even in books 
 that have been praised by the English reviewers, 
 whose jiat being all that is necessary to give 
 books a currency in this country, I am deter- 
 mined, as soon as I finish my edition of travels 
 in seventy-five volumes, to transmit it forthwith 
 to them for judgment. If these Transatlantic 
 censors praise it, I have no fear of its success in 
 this country, where their approbation gives, like 
 the Tower stamp, a fictitious value, and makes 
 tinsel and wampum pass current for classic gold. 
 
206 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Battery — flag-staff kept by Louis Keaffee 
 — Keaffee maintains two spy-glasses by subscrip- 
 tions — merchants pay two shillings a year to 
 look through them at the signal poles on Staten 
 Island — a very pleasant prospect ; but not so 
 pleasant as that from the hill of Howth — query, 
 ever been there? Young seniors go down to 
 the flag-staff to buy pea-nuts and beer, after the 
 fatigue of their morning studies, and sometimes 
 to play at ball, or some other innocent amuse- 
 ment — digression to the Olympic and Isthmian 
 games, with a description of the Isthmus of 
 Corinth, and that of Darien : to conclude with a 
 dissertation on the Indian custom of offering a 
 whiff of tobacco smoke to their great spirit 
 Areskou. — Return to the Battery — delightful 
 place to indulge in the luxury of sentiment. 
 How various are the mutations of this world ! 
 but a few days, a few hours, — at least not aboTe 
 two hundred years ago, and this spot was in- 
 habited by a race of aboi'igines, who dwelt in 
 bark huts, lived upon oysters and Indian corn, 
 danced buffalo dances, and were lords " of the 
 fowl and the brute ; " but the spirit of time, and 
 the spirit of brandy have swept them from their 
 ancient inheritance ; and as the white wave of 
 the ocean, by its ever toiling assiduity, gains on 
 the brown land, so the white man, by slow and 
 sure degrees, has gained on the brown savage, 
 and dispossessed him of the land of his fore- 
 fathers. — Conjectures on the first peopling of 
 
FIRST PEOPLING OF AMERICA. 267 
 
 America — different opinions on that subject, to 
 the amount of near one hundred — opinion of 
 Augustine Torniel — that they are the descend- 
 ants of Shem and Japheth, who came by the 
 way of Japan to America. — Jutfridius Petre 
 says they came from Friezhmd. — mem. cold 
 journey — Mons. Charron says they are de- 
 scended from the Gauls — ^bitter enough — A. 
 Milius from the Celtae — Kircher from the 
 P^gyptians — L'Compte from the Phoenicians — • 
 Lescarbort from the Canaanites, alias the An- 
 thropophagi — Brerewood from Tartars — Gro- 
 ti us from the Norwegians — and Linkum Fide- 
 lius has written two folio vohimes to prove that 
 America was first of all peopled either by the 
 antipodeans or the Cornish miners, who, he 
 maintains, might easily have made a subterranean 
 passage to this country, particularly the antipo- 
 deans, who, he asserts, can get along under 
 ground as fast as moles — query, which of these 
 is in the right, or are they all wrong ? For my 
 part, I don't see why America had not as good a 
 right to be peopled at first, as any little contemp- 
 tible country in Europe, or Asia ; and I am de- 
 termined to write a book at my first leisure, to 
 prove that Noah was born here — and that so far 
 is America from being indebted to any other 
 country for inhabitants, that they were every one 
 of them peopled by colonies from her ! — mem. 
 Battery a very pleasant place to walk on a Sun- 
 day evening — not quite genteel though — every 
 body walks there, and a pleasure, however gen- 
 uine, is spoiled by general participation — the 
 
268 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 fashionable ladies of Nevv York turn up their 
 noses if you ask them to walk on the Battery on 
 Sunday — query, have they scruples of con- 
 science, or scruples of delicacy ? Neither — they 
 have only scruples of gentility, which are quite 
 different things. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Custom-house ^ — origin of duties on mer- 
 chandise — this place much frequented by mer- 
 chants — and why ? — different classes of mer- 
 chants — importers — a kind of nobility — whole- 
 sale merchants — have the privilege of going to 
 the city assembly ! — Retail traders cannot go to 
 ilie assembly. — Some curious speculations on the 
 vast distinction betwixt selling tape by the piece 
 or by the yard. — Wholesale merchants look down 
 upon the retailers, who in return look down upon 
 the green-grocers, who look down upon the mar- 
 ket-women, who don't care a straw about any of 
 them. — Origin of the distinctions of rank — Dr. 
 Johnson once horribly puzzled to settle the point 
 of precedence between a louse and a flea — good 
 hint enough to humble purse-proud arrogance. — 
 Custom-house partly used as a lodging-house for 
 the pictures belonging to the Academy of Arts 
 — couldn't afford the statues house-room, most of 
 them in the cellar of the City Hall — poor place 
 for the gods and goddesses — after Olympus. — 
 Pensive reflections on the ups and downs of life 
 
 1 The old Government-house facing Bowling-Green, built 
 for the President of the United States, afterwards the resi- 
 dence of George Clinton and John Jay. 
 
BROADWAY. 269 
 
 — Apollo, and the rest of the set, used to cut a 
 great figure in days of yore. — Mem. every dog 
 has his day — sorry for Venus though, poor 
 wench, to be cooped up in a celhir with not a sin- 
 gle grace to wait on her ! — Eulogy on the gen- 
 tlemen of the Academy of Arts, for the great 
 spirit with which they began the undertaking, 
 and the perseverance with which they have pur- 
 sued it — it is a pity, however, they began at the 
 wrong end — maxim — If you want a bird and a 
 cage, always buy the cage first — hem! — a word 
 to the wise ! 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Bowling Green — fine place for pasturing 
 cows — a perquisite of the late corporation — for- 
 merly ornamented with a statue of George the 
 Third — people pulled it down in the war to 
 make bullets — great pity ; it might have been 
 given to the Academy — it would have become a 
 cellar as well as any other. — Broadway — great 
 difference in the gentility of streets — a man who 
 resides in Pearl street, or Chatham Row, derives 
 no kind of dignity from his domicil ; but place 
 him in a certain part of Broadway, anywhere 
 between the Battery and Wall street, and he 
 straightway becomes entitled to figure in the 
 beau monde, and strut as a person of prodigious 
 consequence ! — Query, whether there is a degree 
 of purity in the air of that quarter which changes 
 the gross particles of vulgarity into gems of re- 
 finement and polish ? A question to be asked, 
 but not to be answered — New brick church ! — 
 
270 SALMAGUNDI. , 
 
 What a pity it is the corporation of Trinity 
 church are so poor ! — if they could not afford to 
 build a better place of worship, why did they not 
 go about with a subscription ? — even I would 
 have given them a few shillings ratlier than our 
 city should have been disgraced by such a pitiful 
 specimen of economy — Wall street — City Hall, 
 famous place for catch-poles, deputy sheriffs, and 
 young lawyers ; which last attend the courts, not 
 because they have business there, but because 
 they liave no business anywhere else. My blood 
 always curdles when I see a catch-pole, they be- 
 ing a species of vermin who feed and fatten on 
 the common wretchedness of mankind, who trade 
 in misery, and in becoming the executioners of 
 the law, by their oppression and villainy, almost 
 counterbalance all tlie benefits which are derived 
 from its salutary regulations — Story of Quevedo 
 about a catch-pole possessed by a devil, who, on 
 being interrogated, declared that he did not come 
 there voluntarily, but by compulsion ; and that a 
 decent devil would never, of his own free will, 
 enter into the body of a catch-pole ; instead, 
 therefore, of doing him the injustice to say that 
 here was a catch-pole bedeviled, they should say, 
 it was a devil be-catch-poled ; that being in real- 
 ity the truth — Wonder what has become of the 
 old crier of the court, who used to make more 
 noise in preserving silence than the audience did 
 in breaking it — if a man happened to drop his 
 cane, the old hero would sing out " silence ! " in a 
 voice that emulated the " wide mouthed thunder " 
 — On inquiring, found he had retired from basi- 
 
BARBERS. 271 
 
 ness to enjoy otium cum dignitate^ as many a 
 great man has done before. Strange that wise 
 men, as they are thought, should toil through a 
 whole existence merely to enjoy a few moments 
 of leisure at last ! why don't they begin to be 
 easy at first, and not purchase a moment's pleas- 
 ure with an age of pain ? — mem. posed some of 
 the jockeys — eh ! 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Barber's pole ; three different orders of shav- 
 ers in New York — those who shave pigs ; N. B. 
 
 — freshmen and sophomores, — those who cut 
 beards, and those who shave notes of hand ; the 
 last are the most respectable, because, in the 
 course of a year, they make more money, and 
 that honestly, than the whole corps of other shav- 
 ers can do in half a century ; besides, it would 
 puzzle a common barber to ruin any man, except 
 by cutting his throat ; whereas your higher order 
 o^ shavers, your true blood-suckers of the commu- 
 nity, seated snugly behind the curtain, in watch 
 for prey, live on the vitals of the unfortunate, and 
 grow rich on the ruin of thousands. Yet this 
 last class of barbers are held in high respect in 
 the world ; they never offend against the decen- 
 cies of life, go often to church, look down on hon- 
 est poverty walking on foot, and call themselves 
 gentlemen ; yea, men of honor ! — Lottery offices 
 
 — another set of capital shavers ! — licensed 
 gambling houses ! good things enough, as they 
 enable a few holiest industrious gentlemen to hum- 
 bug the people — accoi"ding to law ; besides, if 
 
272 SALMAGVNDL 
 
 the people will be such fools, whose fault is it but 
 their own if they get S/^ ? — Messrs. PafF — beg 
 pardon for patting them in such bad company, 
 because they are a couple of fine fellows — mem. 
 to recommend Michael's antique snuff-box to all 
 amateurs in the art. — Eagle singing Yankee- 
 doodle — N. B. — BufFon, Pennant and the rest 
 of the naturalists, all naturals not to know the 
 ea<£le was a sinafino- bird ; Linkum Fidelius knew 
 better, and gives a long description of a bald 
 eagle that serenaded him once in Canada ; — di- 
 gression ; particular account of the Canadian In- 
 dians ; — story about Areskou learning to make 
 fishing nets of a spider — don't believe it, though, 
 because, according to Linkum, and many other 
 learned authorities, Areskou is the same as 3Iars, 
 being derived from his Greek name of Ares ; and 
 if so, he knew well enough what a net was with- 
 out consulting a spider ; — story of Arachne be- 
 ing changed into a spider as a reward for having 
 hanged herself; — derivation of the word spinster 
 from spider ; — Colophon, now Altobosco, the 
 bitthplace of Arachne, remarkable for a famous 
 breed of spiders to this day ; — mem. nothing 
 like a little scholarship — make the ignoramus^ 
 viz. the majority of my readers, stare like wild 
 pigeons; — return to New York a short cut — 
 meet a dashing belle, in a little thick white veil — 
 tried to get a peep at her face — saw she squinted 
 a little — thought so at first ; — never saw a face 
 covered with a veil that was worth looking at; — 
 saw some ladies holding a conversation across the 
 street about going to church next Sunday — 
 
DRY-GOODS STORES. 273 
 
 talked so loud they frightened a cartmaii's horse, 
 who ran away, and overset a basket of ginger- 
 bread with a little boy under it ; — mem. I don't 
 much see the use of speaking-trumpets now-a- 
 days. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Bought a pair of gloves ; dry-goods stores the 
 genuine schools of politeness — true Parisian 
 manners there — got a pair of gloves and a pista- 
 reen's worth of bows for a dollar — dog cheap ! — 
 Courtlandt street corner — famous place to see the 
 belles go by — query, ever been shopping with a 
 lady? — 5>ome account of it — ladies go into all 
 the shops in the city to buy a pair of gloves — 
 good way of spending time, if they have nothing 
 else to do. — Oswego market — looks very much 
 like a triumphal arch — some account of the man- 
 ner of erecting them in ancient times ; digression 
 to the «rc/z-duke Charles, and some account of the 
 ancient Germans. N. B. — quote Tacitus on this 
 subject. — Particular description of market- bas- 
 kets, butcher's blocks, and wheelbarrows ; — mem, 
 queer things run upon one wheel ! — Saw a cart- 
 man driving full tilt through Broadway — run 
 over a child — good enough for it — what busi- 
 ness had it to be in the way ? — Hint concerning 
 the laws against pigs, goats, dogs, and cartmen, — 
 grand apostrophe to the sublime science of juris- 
 prudence ; — comparison between legislators and 
 tinkers ; query, whether it requires greater ability 
 to mend a law than to mend a kettle ? — inquiry 
 into the utility of makino; laws that are broken a 
 hundred times a day with impunity; — my Lord 
 18 
 
274 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 Coke's opinion on the subject ; my Lord a very 
 great man — so was Lord Bacon : a good story 
 about a criminal named Hog claiming relationship 
 with him. — Hogg's porter-house ; — a great 
 haunt of Will Wizard ; Will put down there one 
 night by a sea-captain, in an argument concern- 
 ing the era of the Chinese empire Whangpo ; — 
 Hogg's a capital place for hearing the same sto- 
 ries, the same jokes, and the same songs every 
 night in the year — mem. except Sunday nights; 
 fine school for young politicians too — some of the 
 longest and thickest heads in the city come there 
 to settle the nation. — Scheme of Ichahod Fungus 
 to restore the balance of Europe ; — digression ; — 
 some account of the balance of Europe ; comparison 
 between it and a pair of scales, with the Emperor 
 Alexander in one and the Emperor Napoleon in 
 the other : fine fellows — both of a weight, can't 
 tell which will kick the beam : — mem. don't care 
 much either — nothing to me: — Ichahod very 
 unhappy about it — thinks Napoleon has an eye 
 on this country — capital place to pasture his 
 horses, and provide for the rest of his family. — Dey 
 street — ancient Dutch name of it, signifying mur- 
 derers' valley, formerly the site of a great peach 
 orchard ; my grandmother's history of the famous 
 Peach war — arose from an Indian stealing peaches 
 out of this orchard ; good cause as need be for a 
 war ; just as good as the balance of power. An- 
 ecdote of war between two Italian states about a 
 bucket ; introduce some capital new truisms about 
 the folly of mankind, the ambition of kings, 
 potentates, and princes ; particularly Alexander, 
 
ODDS AND ENDS. 275 
 
 Caesar, Charles the XII th, Napoleon, little King 
 Pepin, and the great Charlemagne. — Conclude 
 with an exhortation to the present race of sove- 
 leigns to keep the king's peace, and abstain from 
 all those deadly quarrels which produce battle, 
 muider, and sudden death — mem. — ran my 
 nose against a lamp-post — conclude in great dud- 
 geon. 
 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 
 
 OUR cousin Pindar, after having been con- 
 fined for some time past with a fit of the 
 gout, which is a kind of keepsake in our family, 
 has again set his mill going, as my readers will 
 perceive. On reading his piece I could not help 
 smiling at the high compliments which, contrary 
 to his usual style, he has lavished on the dear sex. 
 The old gentleman, unfortunately observing my 
 merriment, stumped out of the room with great 
 vociferation of crutch, and has not exchanged 
 three words with me since. I expect every hour 
 to hear that he has packed up his movables, and, 
 as usual in all cases of disgust, retreated to his 
 old country-house. 
 
 Pindar, like most of the old Cockloft heroes, is 
 wonderfully susceptible to the genial influence of 
 warm weather. In winter he is one of the most 
 crusty old bachelors under heaven, and is wick- 
 edly addicted to sarcastic reflections of every kind, 
 particularly on the little enchanting foibles and 
 
276 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 whimwhams of women. But when the spring 
 comes on, and the mild influence of the sun re- 
 leases nature from her icy fetteis, the ice of his 
 bosom dissolves into a gentle current which re- 
 flects the bewitching qualities of the fair ; as in 
 some mild, clear evening, when nature reposes in 
 silence, the stream bears in its pure bosom all the 
 starry magnificence of heaven. It is under the 
 control of this influence he has written his piece; 
 and I beg the ladies, in the plenitude of their 
 harmless conceit, not to flatter themselves that be- 
 cause <he good Pindar has suffered them to escape 
 his censures he had nothing more to censure. It 
 is but sunshine and zephyrs which have wrought 
 this wonderful change ; and I am much mistaken 
 if the flrst northeaster don't convert all his good 
 nature into most exquisite spleen. 
 
 FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 
 
 HOW often I cast my reflections behind, 
 And call up the days of past youth to my 
 
 mind. 
 When folly assails in habiliments new. 
 When fashion obtrudes some fresh whimwham to 
 
 view ; 
 When the foplings of fashion bedazzle my sight, 
 Bewilder my feelings — my senses benight ; 
 I retreat in disgust from the world of to-day. 
 To commune with the world that has mouldered 
 
 away ; 
 
RETROSPECT. 277 
 
 To converse with the shades of those friends of 
 
 my love, 
 Long gather'd in peace to the angels above. 
 
 In my rambles through life should I meet with 
 
 annoy, 
 From the bold, beardless stripling — the turbid, 
 
 pert boy — 
 One reared in the mode lately reckon'd genteel, 
 Which, neglecting the head, aims to perfect the 
 
 heel ; 
 Which completes the sweet fopling while yet in 
 
 his teens, 
 And fits him for fashion's light changeable scenes ; 
 Proclaims him a man to the near and the far, 
 Can he dance a cotillon or smoke a cigar ; 
 And though brain'ess and vapid as vapid can be. 
 To routs and to parties pronounces him free : — 
 O, I think on the beaux that existed of yore. 
 On those rules of the ton that exist now no more ! 
 
 I recall with delight *how each yonker at first 
 In the cradle of science and virtue was nursed : 
 — How the graces of person and graces of mind. 
 The polish of learning and fashion combined. 
 Till softened in manners and strengthened in head, 
 By the classical lore of the living and dead, 
 Matured in his person till manly in size, 
 He then was presented a beau to our eyes ! 
 
 My nieces of late have made frequent complaint 
 That they sufi^er vexation and painful constraint. 
 By haviiig their circles too often distrest 
 By some three or four goslings just fledged from 
 
 the nest, 
 Who, propp'd by the credit their fathers sustain, 
 
278 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 Alike tender in years and in person and brain, 
 But plenteously stock'd with that substitute, brass, 
 For true wits and critics would anxiously pass. 
 They complain of that empty sarcastical slang, 
 So common to all the coxcombical gang, 
 Who the fair with their shallow experience vex. 
 By thrumming forever their weakness of sex ; 
 And who boast of themselves, when they talk 
 
 with proud air 
 Of Man's mental ascendency over the fair. 
 
 'Twas thus the young owlet produced in the 
 
 nest, 
 Where the eagle of Jove her young eaglets had 
 
 prest, 
 Pretended to boast of his royal descent, 
 And vaunted that force which to eagles is lent. 
 Though fated to shun with his dim visual ray, 
 The cheering delights and the brilliance of day ; 
 To forsake the fair regions of ether and light. 
 For dull moping caverns of darkness and night: 
 Still talk'd of that eagle-like strength of the eye. 
 Which approaches unwinking the pride of the 
 
 sky, 
 Of that wing which unwearied can hover and 
 
 play ^ 
 In the noon-tide effulirpnce and torrent of day. 
 
 Dear girls, the sad evils of which ye complain 
 Your sex must endure from the feeble and vain, 
 'Tis the commonplace jest of the nursery scape- 
 goat, 
 'Tis the commonplace ballad that croaks from his 
 
 throat ; 
 He hr^ws not that nature — that polish decrees, 
 
COMPLIMENTARY. 279 
 
 That women should always endeavor to please : 
 That the law of their system has early imprest 
 The importance of fitting themselves to each 
 
 guest ; 
 And, of course, that full oft when ye trifle and 
 
 play, 
 'Tis to gratify trifiers who strut in your way. 
 The child might as well of its mother complain, 
 As wanting true wisdom and soundness of brain ; 
 Because that, at times, while it hangs on her 
 
 breast, 
 She with a " lullaby-baby *' beguiles it to rest. 
 *Tis its weakness of mind that induces the strain, 
 For wisdom to infants is prattled in vain. 
 
 'Tis true at odd times, when in frolicsome fit. 
 In the midst of his gambols, the mischievous wit 
 May start some light foible that clings to the fair 
 Like cobwebs that fasten to objects most rare, — 
 In the play of his fancy will sportively say 
 Some delicate censure that pops in his way. 
 He may smile at your fashions, and frankly ex- 
 press 
 His dislike of a dance or a flaming red dress ; 
 Yet he blames not your want of man's physical 
 
 force, 
 Nor complains though ye caimot in Latin dis- 
 course. 
 He delights in the language of nature ye speak, 
 Though not so refined as true classic Greek. 
 He remembers that Providence never design'd 
 Our females like suns to bewilder and blind ; 
 But like the mild orb of pale ev'ning serene, 
 Whose radiatice illumines, yet softens the scene, 
 
280 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 To light us with cheering and welcoming ray, 
 Along the rude path when the sun is away. 
 
 I own in my scribblings I lately have nam'd 
 Some faults of our fair which I gently have 
 
 blam'd, 
 But be it forever by all understood, 
 My censures were only pronounc'd for their good. 
 I delight in the sex ; 'tis the pride of my mind. 
 To consider them gentle, endearing, refin'd ; 
 As our solace below, in the journey of life, 
 To smooth its rough p^isses — to soften its strife : 
 As objects intended our joys to supply, 
 And to lead us in love to the temples on high. 
 How oft have I felt, when two lucid blue eyes, 
 As calm and as bright as the gems of the skies. 
 Have beara'd their soft radiance into my soul, 
 Impress'd with an awe like an angel's control ! 
 Yes, fair ones, by this is forever defin'd 
 The fop from the man of refinement and mind ; 
 The latter believes ye in bounty were given 
 As a bond upon earth of our union with heaven ; 
 And if ye are weak and are frail, in his view 
 'Tis to call forth fresh warmth and his fondness 
 
 renew. 
 'Tis his joy to support these defects of your frame. 
 And his love at your weakness redoubles its 
 
 flame ; 
 He rejoices the gem is so rich and so fair. 
 And is proud that it claims his protection and 
 
 care. 
 
NO. XIII. — FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 1807. 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR, 
 
 WAS not a little perplexed, a short 
 time since, by the eccentric conduct of 
 my knowing coadjutor, Will Wizard. 
 For two or three days he was completely in a 
 quandary. He would come into old Cockloft's 
 parlor ten times a day, swinging his ponderous 
 legs along, with his usual vast strides, clap his 
 hands into his sides, contemplate the little shep- 
 herdesses on the mantel-piece for a few minutes, 
 whistling all the while, and then sally out full 
 sweep, without uttering a word. To be sure, a 
 pish or a pshaw occasionally escaped him ; and he 
 was observed once to pull out his enormous to- 
 bacco-box, drum for a moment upon its lid with 
 his knuckles, and then return it into his pocket 
 without taking a quid. 'Twas evident Will was 
 full of some mighty idea : not that his restless- 
 ness was any way uncommon ; for I have often 
 seen Will throw himself almost in a fever of 
 heat and fatigue — doing nothing. But this in- 
 flexible taciturnity set the whole family, as usual, 
 a wondering: as Will seldom enters the house 
 without giving one of his "one thousand and 
 one " stories. For my part, I began to think 
 
282 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 that the late fracas at Canton had alarmed Will 
 for the safety of his friends, Kinglun, Chinqua, 
 and Consequa ; or that something had gone wrong 
 in the alterations of the theatre ; or that some 
 new outrage at Norfolk had put him in a worry ; 
 in short, I did not know what to think ; for Will 
 is such a universal busybody, and meddles so 
 much in everything going forward, that you 
 might as well attempt to conjecture what is going 
 on in the North Star as in his precious pericra- 
 nium. Even Mrs. Cockloft, who, like a worthy 
 woman as she is, seldom troubles herself about 
 anything in this world — saving the affairs of her 
 household, and the correct deportment of her fe- 
 male friends — was struck with the mystery of 
 Will's behavior. She happened, when he came 
 in and went out the tenth time, to be busy darn- 
 ing the bottom of one of the old red damask 
 chairs ; and notwithstanding this is to her an 
 affair of vast importance, yet she could not help 
 turning round and exclaiming — 
 
 " I wonder what can be the matter with Mr. 
 Wizard ? " 
 
 " Nothing," replied old Christopher, " only we 
 shall have an eruption soon." 
 
 The old lady did not understand a word of 
 this, neither did she care ; she had expressed her 
 wonder; and that, with her, is always sufficient. 
 
 I am so well acquainted with Will's peculiari- 
 ties that 1 can tell, even by his wiiistle, when he 
 IS about an essay for our paper, as certainly as 
 a weather wiseacre knows that it is going to rain 
 when he sees a pig nui squeaking about with his 
 
A MANUSCRIPT. 283 
 
 nose in the wind. I, therefore, laid my account 
 with receiving a communication from him before 
 long ; and sure enough, the evening before last I 
 distinguished his freemason knocli at my door. 
 I have seen many wise men in my time, philoso- 
 phers, mathematicians, astronomers, politicians, 
 editors, and almanac-makers ; but never did I see 
 a man look half so wise as did my friend Wizard 
 on enteriiis; the room. Had Lavater beheld him 
 at that moment, he would have set him down, to 
 a certainty, as a fellow who had just discovered 
 the longitude or the philosopher's stone. 
 
 Without saying a word, he handed me a roll 
 of paper ; after which he lighted his cigar, sat 
 down, crossed his legs, folded his arms, and, ele- 
 vating his nose to an angle of about forty-five 
 degrees, began to smoke like a steam-engine — 
 Will delights in the picturesque. On opening 
 his budget, and perceiving^ the motto, it struck me 
 that Will had brought me one of his confounded 
 Chinese manuscripts, and I was forthwith going 
 to dismiss it with indignation ; but accidentally 
 seeing the name of our oracle, the sage Linkum, 
 of whose inestimable folios we pride ourselves 
 upon being the >'-oIe possessors, I began to think 
 the better of it, and looked round to Will to ex- 
 press approbation, I shall never forget the figure 
 he cut at that moment ! He had watched my 
 countenance, on opening his manuscript, with the 
 argus eyes of an author : and, perceiving some 
 tokens of disapprobation, began, according to cus- 
 tom, to puff away at his cigar with such vigor 
 that in a few minutes he had entirely involved 
 
284 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 himself in smoke, except his nose and one foot, 
 which were just visible, the latter wagging with 
 great velocity. I believe I have hinted before — 
 at least I ought to have done so — that Will's 
 nose is a very goodly nose ; to which it may be 
 as well to add that, in his voyages under the 
 tropics, it has acquited a copper complexion, 
 which renders it very brilliant and luminous. 
 You may imagine what a sumptuous appearance 
 it made, projecting boldly, like the celebrated 
 promontorium Jiasidium at Sanios, with a light- 
 house upon it, and surrounded on all sides with 
 smoke and vapor. Had my gravity been, like 
 the Chinese philosopher's, " within one degree of 
 absolute frigidity," here would have been a trial 
 for it. 1 could not stand it, but burst into such 
 a laugh as I do not indulge in above once in a 
 hundred years. This was too much for Will ; 
 he emerged from his cloud, threw his cigar into 
 the fire-place, and strode out of the room, puUin-g 
 up his breeches, muttering something which, 1 
 verily believe, was nothing more than a horrible 
 long Chinese malediction. 
 
 He, however, left his manuscript behind him, 
 which I now give to the world. Whether he is 
 serious on the occasion, or only bantering, no one, 
 I believe, can tell ; for, whether in speaking or 
 writhig, there is such an invincible gravity in his 
 demeanor and style, that even I, who have studied 
 him as closely as an antiquarian studies an old 
 manuscript or inscription, am frequently at a loss 
 to know what the rogue would be at. I have 
 seen him indulijre in his favorite amusement of 
 
HARBOR DEFENSES. 285 
 
 quizzing for hours together, witliout any one hav- 
 ing the least suspicion of the matter, until he 
 would suddenly twist his phiz into an expression 
 that baffles all description, thrust his tongue in 
 his cheeix, and blow up in a laugh almost as loud 
 as the shout of the Romans on a certain occasion, 
 which honest Plutarch avers frightened several 
 crows to such a degi'ee that they fell down stone 
 dead into the Campus Martins. Jeremy Cock- 
 loft the younger, who, like a true modern philos- 
 opher, delights in experiments that are of no kind 
 of use, took the trouble to measure one of Will's 
 risible explosions, and declared to me that, ac- 
 cording to accurate measurement, it contained 
 thirty feet square of solid laughter. What will 
 the processors say to this ? 
 
 PLANS FOR DEFENDING OUR HARBOR. 
 
 BY WILLIAM WIZAKU, ESQ. 
 
 Long-fong teko buzz tor-pe-do, 
 
 Fudge Conf'udui. 
 
 We'll blow the villains all sky-high; 
 
 But do it with econo my. Link. Fid. 
 
 SURELY never was a town more subject to 
 midsummer fancies and dog-day whimwhams 
 than this most excellent of cities ; our notions, 
 like our diseases, seem all epidemic ; and no 
 sooner does a new disorder or a new freak seize 
 one individual but it is sure to run through all 
 
286 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 the community. This is particularly the case 
 when the summer is at the hottest, and every- 
 body's head is in a vertigo and his brain in a 
 ferment ; 'tis absolutely necessary, then, the poor 
 souls should hav9 some bubble to amuse them- 
 selves with, or they would certainly run mad. 
 Last year the poplar worm made its appearance 
 most fortunately for our citizens; and everybody 
 was so much in horror of being poisoned, and de- 
 voured, and so busied in making humane experi- 
 ments on cats and dogs, that we got through the 
 summer quite comfortably; the cats had the worst 
 of it ; every mouser of them was shaved, and 
 there was not a whisker to be seen in the whole 
 sisterhood. This summer everybody has had full 
 employment in plaiming fortifications for our 
 harbor. Not a cobbler or tailor in the city but 
 has left his awl and his thimble, become an en- 
 gineer outright, and aspired most magnanimously 
 to the building of forts and the destruction of 
 navies ! Heavens ! as my friend Mustapha would 
 say, on what a great scale is everything in this 
 country ! 
 
 Among the various plans that have been of- 
 fered, the most conspicuous is one devised and 
 exhibited, as I am informed, by that notable con- 
 federacy, •' The North River Society.'* 
 
 Anxious to redeem their reputation from the 
 foul suspicions that have for a long time over- 
 clouded it, these aquatic incendiaries have come 
 forward, at the present alarming juncture, and 
 announced a most potent discovery which is to 
 guarantee our port from the visits of any foreign 
 
INFERNAL MACHINES. 287 
 
 inarauders. The Society have, it seems, invented 
 a cunning machine, shrewdly yclept a Torpedo} 
 by which the stoutest line of battle ship, even a 
 Santissima Trmidada^ may be caught napping and 
 decompcsed in a twinkling ; a kind of submarine 
 powder-magazine to swim under water, like an 
 aquatic mole, or water-rat, and destroy the enemy 
 in the moments of unsuspicious security. 
 
 This straw tickled the noses of all our dignita- 
 ries wonderfully ; for to do our government jus- 
 tice, it has no objection to injuring and extermi- 
 nating its enemies in any manner — provided the 
 thing can be done economically. 
 
 It was determined the experiment should be 
 tried, and an old brig was purchased for not more 
 than twice its value, and delivered over into the 
 hands of its tormentors, the North River Society, 
 to be tortured, and battered, and annihilated, se- 
 
 1 The allusion is here evidently to the experiment made by 
 Fulton in New York Harbor, on the 20th of Jul}', 1807, 
 Bhortly after his return from Europe, briiig:ing with him the 
 favorite plans of " torpedo warfare," as he called it, which he 
 had laid before the governments of France and England. An 
 old brig was, after some delay, blown up in the bay by one 
 of Fulton's charged canisters. The affair, with Fulton's ap- 
 peal to the Government, his previous lecture on Governor's 
 Island to the magistracy of the city, when the audience was 
 somewhat diminished on the production of one of the loaded 
 torpedoes, with his declaration that it contained a hundred 
 and seventy pounds of powder, and that, if he were to suffer 
 the clock-work to run fifteen minutes, he had no doubt it 
 would blow the fortification to atoms — all this, with his let- 
 ter to the Corporation the day after his successful experiment, 
 was well calculated to produce the stir in the city so pleasantly 
 set forth in this paper of SAUVJAGUiir»i, 
 
288 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 cundum artem. A day was appointed for the 
 occasion, when all the good citizens of the won- 
 der-loving city of Gotham were invited to the 
 blowing-up ; like the fat innkeeper in Rabelais, 
 who requested all his customers to come on a 
 certain day and see him burst. 
 
 As I have almost as great a veneration as the 
 good Mr. Walter Shandy for all kinds of experi- 
 ments that are ingeniously ridiculous, I made 
 very particular mention of the one in question at 
 the table of my friend Christopher Cockloft ; but 
 it put the honest old gentleman in a violent pas- 
 sion. He condemned it in toto as attempt to in- 
 troduce a dastardly and exterminating mode of 
 warfare. " Already have we proceeded far 
 enough," said he, " in the science of destruction ; 
 war is already invested with sufficient horrors 
 and calamities. Let us not increase the cata- 
 logue ; let us not, by these deadly artifices, pro- 
 voke a system of insidious and indiscriminate 
 hostility, that shall terminate in laying our cities 
 desolate, and exposing our women, our children, 
 and our infirm, to the sword of pitiless recrimi- 
 nation." Honest old cavalier ! — it was evident 
 he did not reason as a true politician — but he 
 felt as a Christian and philanthropist ; and that 
 was perhaps just as weU. 
 
 It may be readily supposed, that our citizens 
 did not refuse the invitation of the Society to 
 the blow-up ; it was the first naval action ever 
 exhibited in our port, and the good people all 
 crowded to see the British navy blown up in 
 efRgy. The young ladies were delighted with 
 
DISAPP INTM EN TS. 289 
 
 the novelty of the show, and dedared that if 
 war could be conducted in this manner, it would 
 become a fashionable amusement ; and the de- 
 struction of a fleet be as pleasant as a ball or a 
 tea-party. The old folk were equally pleased 
 with the spectacle — ; because it cost them noth- 
 ing. Dear souls, how hard was it they should 
 be disappointed! the brig most obstinately re- 
 fused to be decomposed ; the dinners were cold, 
 and the puddings were overboiled, throughout the 
 renowned city of Gotham ; and its sapient in- 
 habitants, like the honest Strasburghers, from 
 whom most of them are doubtless descended, 
 who went out to see the courteous stranger and 
 his nose, all returned home after having threat- 
 ened to pull down the flag-staff by way of tak- 
 ing satisfaction for their disappointment. By 
 the way, there is not an animal in the world 
 more discriminating in its vengeance than a free- 
 born mob. 
 
 In the evening I repaired to friend Hogg's, to 
 smoke a sociable cigar, but had scarcely entered 
 the room when I was taken prisoner by my 
 friend, Mr. Ichabod Fungus ; wdio I soon saw 
 was at his usual trade of prying into mill-stones. 
 The old gentleman informed me that the bris: 
 had actually blown up, after a world of man- 
 euvering, and had nearly blown up the So- 
 ciety with it ; he seemed to entertain strong 
 doubts as to the objects of the Society in the 
 invention of these inlernal machines — iunted a 
 suspicion of their wishing to set the river on fire, 
 and that he should not be surprised, on waking 
 19 
 
290 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 one of these mornings, to find tlie Hudson in a 
 blaze. 
 
 " Not that I disapprove of the plan," said he, 
 " provided it has the end in view wliich they 
 profess ; no, no, an excellent plan of defense ; no 
 need of batteries, forts, frigates, and gun-boats; 
 observe, sir, all that's necessary is that the ships 
 must come to anchor in a convenient place 
 watch must be asleep, or so complacent as not to 
 disturb any boats paddling about them — fair 
 wind and tide — no moonlight — machines well- 
 directed — mustn't flash in the pan — bang's the 
 word, and the vessel's blown up in a moment ! " 
 
 " Good," said I, " you remind me of a lubberly 
 Chinese who was flogged by an honest cap- 
 tain of my acquaintance, and who, on being ad- 
 vised to retaliate, exclaimed : ' Hi yah ! s'pose 
 two men hold fast him captain, den very mush 
 rae bamboo he ! ' " 
 
 The old gentleman grew a little crusty, and 
 insisted that I did not understand him ; all that 
 was requisite to render the effect certain was, 
 that the enemy should enter into the project : or, 
 in other words, be agreeable to the measure ; so 
 that if the machine did not come to the ship, the 
 ship should go to the machine ; by which means 
 he thought the success of the machine would be 
 inevitable — provided it struck fire. 
 
 " But do not you think," said I, doubtingly, 
 "that it would be rather difficult to persuade 
 the enemy into such an agreement ? Some peo- 
 ple have an invincible antipathy to being blown 
 up." 
 
SHREWD DEVICES. 291 
 
 "Not at all, not at all," replied he, trium- 
 phantly; "got an excellent notion for that; do 
 with them as we have done with the brig — buy 
 all the vessels we mean to destroy, and blow 'em 
 up as best suits our convenience. I have thought 
 deeply on that subject, and have calculated to a 
 certainty that if our funds hold out we may, in 
 this way, destroy the whole British navy — by 
 contract." 
 
 By this time all the quidnuncs of tlie room 
 had gathered around us, each pregnant with some 
 mighty scheme for the salvation of his country. 
 One pathetically lamented that we had no such 
 men among us as the famous Toujoursdort and 
 Grossitout ; who, when the celebrated Captain 
 Trenchement made war against the city of Kala- 
 cahabalaba, utterly discomfited the great king, 
 BigstafF, and blew up his whole army by sneez- 
 ing. Another imparted a sage idea, which 
 seems to have occupied more heads than one ; 
 that is, that the best way of fortifying the har- 
 bor was to ruin it at once — choke the channel 
 with rocks and blocks; strew it with chevauxde- 
 frise and torpedoes, and make it like a imrsery- 
 garden, full of men-traps and spring-guns. No 
 vessel would then have the temerity to enter our 
 harbor ; we should not even dare to navigate it 
 ourselves. Or, if no cheaper way could be de- 
 vised, let Governor's Island be raised by levers 
 and pulleys — floated with empty casks, etc., 
 towed down to the Narrows, and di'opped plump 
 in the very mouth of the harbor ! 
 
 "" But," said I, " would not the prosecution of 
 
292 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 these whim whams be rather expensive and dila- 
 tory?" 
 
 " Pshaw ! " cried the other, " what's a million 
 of money to an experiment ? The true spirit of 
 our economy requires that we should spare no 
 expense in discovering tlie cheapest mode of de- 
 fending ourselves ; and then if all these modes 
 should fail, why, you know the worst we have to 
 do is to return to the old-fashioned humdrum 
 mode of forts and batteries." 
 
 " By which time," cried 1, " the arrival of the 
 enemy may have rendered their erection super- 
 fluous." 
 
 A shrewd old gentleman who stood listening 
 by, with a mischievously equivocal look, observed 
 that the most effectual mode of repulsing a fleet 
 from our ports would be to administer them a 
 proclamation from time to time, till it operated. 
 
 Unwilling to leave the company without demon- 
 strating my patriotism and ingenuity, I communi- 
 cated a plan of defense ; which, in truth, was 
 suggested long since by that infallible oracle, Mus- 
 tapha, who had as clear a head for cobweb weav- 
 ing as ever dignified the shoulders of a projector. 
 He thought tlie most effectual mode would be to 
 assemble all the slang-whangers, great and small, 
 from all parts of the State, and marshal them at 
 the Battery, where they should be exposed point- 
 blank to the enemy, and form a tremendous body 
 of scolding infantry, similar to the poissards, or 
 doughty champions of Billingsgate. They should 
 be exhorted to fire away without pity or re- 
 morse, in sheets, half-sheets, columns, handbills, or 
 
INFLAMMATORY PROJECTORS. 293 
 
 squibs ; great cannon, little cSniion, pica, Ger • 
 man text, stereotype, and to run their enemies 
 through and through with sharp-pointed italics. 
 They should have orders to show no quarter — 
 to blaze away in their loudest epithets — ^'mis- 
 creants! " " murderers ! " "• barbarians ! " " pi' 
 rates I '* " robbers! " " Blackguards ! " and to do 
 away all fear of consequences, they sliould be 
 guaranteed from all dangers of pillory, kicking, 
 cuffing, nose-pulling, whipping-post, or prosecu- 
 tion for libels. " If," continued Miistjipiui, "you 
 wish men to fight well and valiantly, lliey must 
 be allowed those weapons they have been used 
 to handle. Your countrymen are notoriously 
 adroit in the manao^ement of the tongue and the 
 pen, and conduct all their battles by speeches or 
 newspapers. Adopt, therefore, the plan I have 
 pointed out ; and rely upon it that, let any fleet, 
 however large, be but once assailed by this bat- 
 tery of slang-whangers, and if they have not 
 entirely lost the sense of hearing, or a regard 
 for their own characters and feelings, they will, at 
 the very first fire, slip their cables, and retreat 
 with as much precipitation as if they had un- 
 warily entered into the atmosphere of the Bohan 
 upas. In this manner may your wars be con- 
 ducted with proper economy ; and it will cost no 
 more to drive off a fleet than to write up a party, 
 or write down a bashaw with three tails." 
 
 The sly old gentleman I have before mentioned, 
 was highly delighted with this plan ; and pro- 
 posed, as an impiovement, that mortars should 
 be placed on the Battery, which, instead of throw- 
 
294 SALMACrUNDI. 
 
 ing shells and such trifles, might be charged with 
 newspapers, Tammany addresses, etc., by way of 
 red-hot shot, which would undoubtedly be very 
 potent in blowing up any powder magazine they 
 might chance to come in contact with. He con- 
 cluded by informing the company, that in the 
 course of a few evenings, lie would have the 
 honor to present them with a scheme for load- 
 ing certain vessels with newspapers, resolutions 
 of " numerous and respectable meetings," and 
 other combustibles, which vessels were to be 
 blown directly in the midst of the enemy by the 
 bellows of the slang-whangers ; and he was much 
 mistaken if they would not be more fatal than 
 fire-ships, bomb-ketches, gun-boats, or even tor- 
 pedoes. 
 
 These are but two or three specimens of the 
 nature and efficacy of the iimumerable plans with 
 which this city abounds. Everybody seems 
 charged to the muzzle with gunpowder — every 
 eye flashes fire- works and torpedoes — and every 
 corner is occupied by knots of inflammatory pro- 
 jectors, not one of whom but has some pre- 
 posterous mode of destruction, which he has 
 proved to be infallible by a previous experiment 
 in a tub of water ! 
 
 Even Jeremy Cockloft has caught the infection, 
 to the great annoyance of the inhabitants of 
 Cockloft Hall, whither he retired to make his 
 experiments undisturbed. At one time all the 
 mirrors in the house were unhung — their col- 
 lected rays thrown into the hot-house, to try 
 Archimedes' plan of burning-glasses ; and the 
 
A PROJECTOR. 295 
 
 honest old gardener was almost knocked down by 
 what he mistook for a stroke of the sun, but 
 which turned out to be nothing more than a 
 sudden attack of one of these tremendous jack-o'- 
 lanterns. It became dangerous to walk through 
 the court-yard for fear of an explosion ; and tlie 
 whole family was thrown into absolute distress 
 and consternation, by a letter from the old house- 
 keeper to Mrs. Cockloft, informing her of his 
 having blown up a favorite Chinese gander, which 
 I had brought from Canton, as he was majestically 
 sailing in the duck-pond. 
 
 " In the multitude of counselors there is 
 safety ; " if so, the defenseless city of Gotham has 
 nothing to apprehend ; but much do I fear that so 
 many excellent and infalHble projects will be 
 presented, that we shall be at a loss which to 
 adopt ; and the peaceable inhabitants fare like a 
 famous projector of my acquaintance, wiiose 
 house was unfortunately plundered while he was 
 contriving a patent lock to secure his door. 
 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 
 A retrospect; or, "what you will." 
 
 LOLLING in my elbow-chair this fine summer 
 noon, I feel myself insensibly yielding to 
 that genial feeling of indolence the season is so 
 well fitted to inspire. Every one who is blessed 
 with a little of the delicious languor of disposition 
 
296 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 that delights in repose, must often have sported 
 among the fairy scenes, the golden visions, the 
 voluptuous reveries, that swim before the im- 
 agination at such moments, and which so much 
 resemble those blissful sensations a Mussulman 
 enjoys after his favorite indulgence of opium, 
 which Will Wizard declares can be compared to 
 nothing but '' swimming in an ocean of peacocks' 
 feathers." In such a mood everybody must be 
 sensible it would be idle and unprofitable for a 
 man to send his wits a gadding on a voyage of 
 discovery into futurity, or even to trouble himself 
 with a laborious investigation of what is actually 
 pas ing under his eye. We are, at such times, 
 more disposed to resort to the pleasures of memory 
 than to those of the imagination ; and, like the 
 wayfaring traveller, reclining for a moment on his 
 staff, had rather contemplate the ground we have 
 travelled, than the region which is yet before us. 
 I could here amuse myself, and stultify my 
 readers, with a most ehdjorate and ingenious par- 
 allel between authors and travellers ; but in this 
 balmy season, which makes men stupid and dogs 
 mad, and when, doubtless, many of our most stren- 
 uous admirers have great difficulty in keeping 
 awake through the day, it would be cruel to saddle 
 them with the formidable difficulty of putting 
 two ideas together and drawing a conclusion, or, 
 in the learned phrase, forging syllogisms in Ba^ 
 roco — a terrible undertaking for the dog-days! 
 To say the truth, my observations were only in- 
 tended to prove that this, of all others, is the 
 most auspicious moment, and my present, the 
 
A RETROSPECT. 297 
 
 favorable mood for indulging in a retrospect. 
 Whether, like certain great personages of the 
 day, in attempting to prove one thing, I have ex- 
 posed another ; or whether, like certain other 
 great personages, in attempting to prove a great 
 deal, I have proved nothing at all, I leave to my 
 readers to decide, provided they have the power 
 and inclination so to do ; but a retrospect will I 
 take, notwithstanding. 
 
 I am perfectly aware that in doing this I shall 
 lay myself open to the charge of imitation, than 
 which a man might be better accused of down- 
 right housebreaking ; for it has been a standing 
 rule with many of my illustrious predecessors, 
 occasionally, and particularly at the conclusion of 
 a volume, to look over their shoulder and chuckle 
 at the miracles they had achieved. But, as I 
 before professed, I am determined to hold myself 
 entirely independent of all manner of opinions 
 and criticisms, as the only method of getting on 
 in this world in anything like a straiglit line. 
 True it is, I may sometimes seem to angle a little 
 for the good opinion of mankind, by giving them 
 some excellent reasons for doing unreasonable 
 things ; but this is merely to show tliem, that al- 
 tliQtigh I may occasionally go wrong, it is not for 
 want of knowing how to go right ; and here I 
 will lay down a maxim, which will forever entitle 
 me to the gratitude of my inexperienced readers, 
 namely, that a man always gets more credit in 
 the eyes of this naughty world for sinning will- 
 fully than for sinning through sheer ignorance. 
 
 It will doubtless be insisted by many ingenious 
 
298 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 cavilers, who will be meddling with what doea 
 not at all concern them, that this retrospect should 
 have been taken at the commencement of our 
 second volume ; it is usual, I know : moreover it 
 is natural. So soon as a writer has once ac- 
 complished a volume, he forthwith becomes 
 wonderfully increased in attitude ! he steps upon 
 his book as upon a pedestal, and is elevated in 
 proportion to its magnitude. A duodecimo makes 
 him one inch taller ; an octavo, three inches ; 
 a quarto, six ; but he who has made out to swell 
 a folio looks down upon his fellow creatures from 
 such a fearful height that, ten to one, the poor 
 man's head is turned forever afterward. From 
 such a lofty situation, therefore, it is natural an 
 author should cast his eyes behind, and having 
 reached the first landing-place on the stairs of 
 immortality, may reasonably be allowed to plead 
 his privilege to look back over the height he has 
 ascended. I have deviated a little from this 
 venerable custom, merely that our retrospect 
 might fall in the dog days — of all days in the 
 year most congenial to the indulgence of a little 
 self-sufficiency, inasmuch as people have then 
 little to do but to retire within the sphere of 
 self, and make the most of what they find there. 
 Let it not be supposed, however, that we think 
 ourselves a whit the wiser or better since we 
 have finished our volume than we were before ; 
 on the contrary, we seriously assure our readers 
 that we were fully possessed of all the wisdom 
 and morality it contains at the moment we com- 
 menced writing. It is, the world which has grown 
 
IRON-BOUND PHYSIOGNOMIES. 299 
 
 wiser, not us ; we have thrown our mite into the 
 common stock of knowledge, we have shared 
 our morsel with the ignorant multitude ; and 
 so far from elevating ourselves above the world, 
 our sole endeavor has been to raise the world 
 to our own level, and make it as wise as we, its 
 disinterested benefactors. 
 
 To a moral writer like myself, who, next to 
 his own comfort and entertainment, has the good 
 of his fellow citizens at heart, a retrospect is but a 
 sorry amusement. Like the industrious husband- 
 man, he often contemplates in silent disappoint- 
 ment his labors wasted on a barren soil, or the 
 seeds he has carefully sown, choked by a redun- 
 dancy of worthless weeds. I expected long ere this 
 to have seen a complete reformation in manners 
 and morals, achieved by our united efforts. My 
 fancy echoed to the applauding voices of a retrieved 
 generation ; I anticipated, with proud satisfaction, 
 the period, not far distant, when our work would 
 be introduced into the academies with which every 
 lane and alley of our cities abounds ; when our 
 precepts would be gently inducted into every un- 
 lucky urchin by force of birch, and my iron-bound 
 physiognomy, as taken by Will Wizard, be as 
 notorious as that of Noah Webster, junr. Esq. or 
 his no less renowned predecessor, the illustrious 
 Dilworth of spelling-book immortality .-'^ But, 
 
 1 Dr. Francis, in his remarks on the life and character of 
 "Washington Irving, before the Historical Societ}'-, alludes to 
 this contiict of spelling-books at the school in which they were 
 both instructed. " There was a curious contiict existing in 
 the school between the principal and his assistant instructor; 
 
300 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 well-a-day ! to let my readers into a profound 
 secret — the expectations of man are like the 
 varied hues that tinge the distant prospect ; never 
 to be realized, never to be enjoyed but in per- 
 spective. Luckless Launcelot, that the humblest 
 of the many air castles thou hast erected should 
 prove a " baseless fabric I " Much does it grieve 
 me to confess, that after all our lectures, precepts, 
 and excellent admonitions, the people of New 
 York are nearly as much given to backsliding and 
 ill-nature as ever ; they are just as mucii aban- 
 doned to dancino; and tea-drinking ; and as to 
 scandal, Will Wizard informs me that, by a 
 rough computation, since the last cargo of gun- 
 powder-tea from Canton, no less than eighteen 
 characters have been blown up, besides a number 
 of others that have been wofully shattered. 
 
 The ladies still labor under the same scarcity 
 of muslins, and delight in flesh-colored silk stock- 
 ings : it is evident, however, that our advice has 
 had very considerable effect on them, as they en- 
 deavor to act as opposite to it as possible ; this 
 being what Evergreen calls female independence. 
 As to Straddles, they abound as much as ever in 
 Broadway, particularly on Sundays ; and Wizaid 
 roundly asserts that he supped in company with 
 a knot of them a few evenings since, when they 
 
 the former a legitimate burgher of the city, the latter a New 
 England pedagogue. So far as I can remember, something 
 depended on the choice of the boy's parents in the selection 
 of his studies; but if not expressed otherwise, the principal 
 stuck earnestly to Dilworth, while the assistant, for his 
 BBction of instruction, held to Noah Webster." 
 
PUNSTERS. 301 
 
 UquiJated a whole Birmingham coFisignment, in a 
 batch of imperial champagne. I have, further- 
 more, in the course of a month past, detected no 
 less than three Giblet families mukins: their first 
 onset toward style and gentility in the very 
 manner we have heretofore reprobated. Nor 
 have our utmost efforts been able to check the 
 progress of that alarming epidemic, the rage for 
 punning, which, though doubtless originally in- 
 tended merely to ornament and enliven conver- 
 sation by little sports of fancy, threatens to over- 
 run and poison the whole, like the baneful ivy 
 which destroys the useful plant it first embellished. 
 Now I look upon a habitual punster as a dep- 
 redator upon conversation ; and I have remarked 
 sometimes one of these offenders, sitting silent on 
 the watch for an hour together, until some luck- 
 less wight, unfortunately for the ease and quiet 
 of the company, dropped a phrase susceptible of 
 a double meaning ; when — pop, our punster 
 would dart out like a veteran mouser from her 
 covert, seize the unlucky word, and after worry- 
 ing and mumbling at it until it was capable of no 
 further marring, relapse again into silent watch- 
 fulness, and lie in wait for another opportunity. 
 Even this might be borne with, by the aid of a 
 little philosophy ; but the worst of it is, they are 
 not content to manufacture puns and laugh heart- 
 ily at them themselves ; but they expect we 
 should laugh with them, which I consider as an 
 intolerable hardship, and a flagrant imposition on 
 good-nature. Let those gentlemen fritter away 
 conversation with impunity, and deal out their 
 
302 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 wits in sixpenny bits if they please ; but I beg 
 I may have the choice of refusing currency to 
 their small change. I am seriously afi-aid, how- 
 ever, that our junto is not quite free from the in- 
 fection — nay, that it has even approaclied so 
 near as to menace the tranquillity of my elbow- 
 chair; for Will Wizard, as we were in caucus 
 the other night, absolutely electrified Pindar and 
 myself with a >nost palpable and perplexing pun; 
 had it been a torpedo, it could not have more dis- 
 composed the fraternity. Sentence of banish- 
 ment was unanimously decreed ; but on his con- 
 fessing that, like many celebrated wits, he was 
 merely retailing other men's wares on commission, 
 he was for that once forgiven on condition of re- 
 fraining from such diabolical practices in future. 
 Pindar is particularly outrageous against punsters ; 
 and quite astonished and put me to a nonplus a 
 day or two since, by asking al)ruptly " whether I 
 thought a punster could be a good Christian ? " 
 He followed up his question triumphantly by of- 
 fering to prove, by sound logic and historical fact, 
 that the Roman Empire owed its decline and fall 
 to a pun ; and that nothing tended so much to de- 
 moralize the French nation, as their abominable 
 rage ^oy jeux de mots. 
 
 But what, above everything else, has caused 
 me much vexation of spirit, and displeased me 
 most with this stiff-necked nation is, that in spite 
 of all the serious and profound censures of the 
 sage Mustapha, in his various letters — they will 
 talk! — tliey will still wag their tongues, and 
 chatter like very slang- whangers ! This is a de- 
 
A BEQUEST TO POSTERITY. 303 
 
 gree of obstinancy incomprehensible in the ex: 
 treme ; and is another proof how alarming is the 
 force of habit, and how difficult it is to reduce be- 
 ings, accustomed to talk, to that state of silence 
 which is the very acme of human wisdom. 
 
 We can only account for these disappointments 
 in our moderate and reasonable expectations, by 
 supposing the world so deeply sunk in tlie miie of 
 delinquency, that not even Hercules, were he to 
 put his shoulder to the axletree, would be able to 
 extricate it. We comfort ourselves, however, by 
 the reflection that there are at least three good 
 men left in this degenerate age to benefit the 
 world by example, should precept ultimately fail. 
 And borrowing, for once, an example from certain 
 sleepy writers who, after the first emotions of sur- 
 prise at finding their invaluable effusions neglected 
 or despised, console themselves with the idea that 
 *tis a stupid age, and look forward to posterity 
 for redress, we bequeath our volume to future 
 generations — and much good may it do them. 
 Heaven grant they may be able to read it ! for, if 
 our fashionable mode of education continues to 
 improve, as of late, I am under serious apprehen- 
 sions that the period is not far distant when the 
 discipline of the dancing-master will supersede 
 that of the grammarian ; crotchets and quavers 
 supplant the alphabet : and the heels, by an anti- 
 podean maneuver, obtain entire preeminence over 
 the head. How does my heart yearn for poor, 
 dear posterity, when this work shall become unin- 
 telligible to our grandchildren, as it seems to be 
 their grandfathers and grandmothers. 
 
304 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 In fact — for I love to be candid — we begin to 
 suspect that many people read our numbers merely 
 for their amusement, without paying any attention 
 to the serious truths conveyed in every page. 
 Unpardonable want of penetration ! not thai we 
 wish to restrict our readers in the article of laugh- 
 ing, which we consider as one of the dearest pre- 
 rogatives of man, and the distinguishing character- 
 istic which raises him above all other animals : 
 let them laugh, therefore, if they will, provided 
 they profit at the same time, and do not mistake 
 our object. It is one of our indisputable facts 
 that it is easier to laugh ten follies out of counte- 
 nance than to coax, reason, or flog a man out of 
 one. In this odd, singular, and indescribable age, 
 
 — which is neither the age of gold, silver, iron, 
 brass, chivalry, or pills, as Sir John Carr asserts, 
 
 — a grave writer who attempts to attack folly with 
 the heavy artillery of moral reasoning, will fare 
 like Smollett's honest pedant, who clearly demon- 
 strated by angles, etc., after the manner of Euclid, 
 that it was wrong to do evil — and was laughed at 
 for his pains. Take my word for it, a little well- 
 applied ridicule, like Haiuiibal's application of 
 vinegar to rocks, will do more with certain hard 
 heads and obdurate hearts, than all the logic or 
 demonstrations in Lon^inus or Euclid, But the 
 people of Gotham, wise souls ! are so much ac- 
 customed to see Morality approach them clothed 
 in formidable wigs and sable garbs, " with leaden 
 eye that loves the ground," that they can never 
 recognize her when, drest in gay attire, she comes 
 tripping toward them with smiles and sunshine 
 
RAYS OF SUNSHINE. 305 
 
 in her countenance. — Well, let the rogues re- 
 main in happy ignorance, for " ignorance is bliss '* 
 as the poet snys — and I put as implicit faith in 
 poetry as I do in the almanac or the newspaper. 
 We will improve them, without their being the 
 wiser for it, and they shall become better in spite 
 of their teeth, and without their having the least 
 suspicion of the reformation working within tliem. 
 
 Amono; all our manifold st'ievances, however, 
 still some small but vivid rays of sunshine occa- 
 sionally brighten along our path ; cheering our 
 steps, and inviting us to persevere. 
 
 The public have paid some little regard to a 
 few articles of our advice ; they have purchased 
 our numbers fi-eely — so much the better for our 
 publisher ; they have read them attentively — so 
 much the better for themselves. The inelancholy 
 fate of my dear aunt Charity has had a wonder- 
 ful effect ; and I have now before me a letter 
 from a gentleman who lives opposite to a couple 
 of old ladies, remarkable for the interest they took 
 in his affairs ; his apartments were absolutely in 
 a state of blockade, and he was on the point of 
 changing his lodgings, or capitulating, until the 
 appearance of our ninth number, which he imme- 
 diately sent over witli his compliments. The 
 good ladies took the hint, and have scarcely ap- 
 peared at their window since. As to the wooden 
 gentlemen, our friend, Miss Sparkle, assures me, 
 they are wonderfully improved by our criticisms, 
 and sometimes venture to make a remark, or at- 
 tempt a pun in company, to the great edification 
 of all who happen to understand them. As to 
 
 20 
 
306 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 the red shawls, they are entirely discarded from 
 the fair shoulders of our ladies — ever since the 
 last importation of finery — nor has any lady, 
 since the cold weather, ventured to expose her el- 
 bows to the admiring gaze of scrutinizing passen- 
 gers. But there is one victory we have achieved 
 which has given us more pleasure than to have 
 vs^ritten down the whole administration : I am as 
 Bured, from unquestionable authoiity, that our 
 young ladies — doubtless in consequence of our 
 weighty admonitions — have not once indulged 
 in that intoxicating, inflammatory, and whirhgig 
 dance, the waltz — ever since hot weather com- 
 menced. True it is, I understand an attempt 
 was made to exhibit it by some of the sable fair 
 ones at the last African ball, but it was hiorhlv 
 disapproved of by all the respectable elderly la- 
 dies present. 
 
 These are sweet sources of comfort to atone 
 for the many wrongs and misrepresentations 
 heaped upon us by the world — for even we have 
 experienced its ill-nature. How often have we 
 heard ourselves reproached for the insidious appli- 
 cations of the uncharitable ! how often have we 
 been accused of emotions which never found an 
 entrance into our bosoms ! how often have our 
 sportive effusions been wrested to serve tlie pur- 
 poses of particular enmity and bitterness ! Meddle- 
 some spirits ! little do they know our disposition : 
 we " lack gall " to wound the feelings of a single 
 innocent individual ; we can even forgive them 
 from the very bottom of our souls ; may they 
 meet as ready a forgiveness from their own con- 
 
A PLEASING CONSOLATION. 307 
 
 sciences ! Like true and independent bachelors, 
 having no domestic cares to interfere with our 
 general benevolence, we consider it incumbent 
 upon us to watch over the welfare of society ; 
 and although we are indebted to the world for 
 little else than left-handed favors, yet we feel a 
 proud satisfaction in requiting evil with good, and 
 the sneer of illiberality with the unfeigned smile 
 of good humor. With these mingled motives of 
 selfishness and philanthropy we commenced our 
 work, and if we cannot solace ourselves with the 
 consciousness of having done much good, yet there 
 is still one pleasing consolation left, which the 
 world can neither give nor take away. Tliere 
 are moments — lingerinir moments of listless in- 
 difference and heavy-hearted despondency — when 
 our best hopes and affections slipping, as they 
 sometimes will, from their hold on those objects to 
 which they usually cling for support, seem aban- 
 doned on the wide waste of cheerless existence, 
 without a place to cast anchor ; without a shoie in 
 view to excite a single wish, or to give a momentary 
 interest to contemplation. We look back with de- 
 light upon many of these moments of mental gloom, 
 whiled away by the cheerful exercise of our pen, 
 and consider every such triumph over the spleen as 
 r^jtarding the furrowing hand of time in its insid- 
 ious encroachments on our brows. If, in addition 
 to our own amusement, we have, as we jogged 
 carelessly laughing along, brushed away one tear 
 of dejection and called forth a smile in its place 
 — if we have brightened the pale countenance of 
 a child of sorrow, — we shall feel almost as much. 
 
808 SALMAGUNDI... 
 
 joy and rejoicing as a slang-whanger does when he 
 bathes his pen in the heart's blood of* a patron 
 and benefactor, or sacrifices one more ilhistrious 
 victim on the altar of party animosity. 
 
 TO READERS AND CORRESPONDENTS." 
 
 IT is our misfortune to be frequently pestered, 
 in our peregrinations about this blessed city, 
 by certain critical gad-flies ; who buzz around 
 and merely attack the skin, without ever being 
 able to penetrate the body. The reputation of 
 our promising protege, Jeremy Cockloft the 
 younger, has been assailed by these skin-deep crit- 
 ics ; they have questioned his claims to origi- 
 nality, and even hinted that the ideas for his New 
 Jersey Tour were borrowed from a late work 
 entitled "My Pocket-book." As there is no lit- 
 erary offense more despicable in the eyes of the 
 trio than borrowing, we immediately called Jer- 
 emy to an account ; when he proved, by the ded- 
 ication of the work in question, that it was first 
 published in London in March, 1807; and that 
 his " Stranger in New Jersey " had made its aj^- 
 pearance on the 24th of the preceding February. 
 We were on the point of acquitting Jeremy 
 with honor on the ground that it was impossible, 
 knowing as he is, to borrow from a foreign work 
 one month before it was in existence ; when Will 
 Wizard suddenly took up the cudgels for the crit- 
 
TO TEDDY M' GUNDY. 309 
 
 ics, and insisted that nothing was more probable , 
 for he recollected readinu; of an ingfenious Dutch 
 author who plainly convicted the ancients of steal- 
 ing from his labors ! — So much for criticism. 
 
 We have received a host of friendly and ad- 
 monitory letters from different quarters, and 
 among the rest a very loving epistle from George- 
 town, Columbia, signed Teddy M' Gundy, who 
 addresses us by the name of Saul M' Gundy, 
 and insists that we are descended from the 
 same Irish progenitors, and nearly related. As 
 friend Teddy seems to be an honest, merry 
 rogue, we are sorry tliat we cannot admit his 
 claims to kindred ; we thank him, however, for 
 his good-will, and should he ever be inclined to 
 favor us with another epis^tle, we will hint to him, 
 and at the same time to our other numerous cor- 
 respondents, that their communications will be 
 infinitely more acceptable if they will just recol- 
 lect Tom Shuffleton's advice, " pay the post-boy, 
 Muggins." 
 
 
NO. XIV. — SATURDAY, SEPT. 16, 1807. 
 
 LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI 
 KHAN, 
 
 TO A8EM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS 
 HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLL 
 
 JEALTH and joy to the friend of my 
 heart ! Ma}'^ the angel of peace ever 
 watch over thy dwelling, and the star 
 of prosperity shed its benignant lustre on all thy 
 undertakings. Far other is the lot of thy cap- 
 tive friend : his brightest hopes extend but to a 
 lengthened period of weary captivity, and mem- 
 ory only adds to the measure of his griefs, by 
 holding up a mirror which reflects with re- 
 doubled charms the hours of past felicity. In 
 midnio-ht slumbers mv soul holds sweet converse 
 with the tender objects of its affections: it is 
 then the exile is restored to his country : it 
 is then the wide waste of waters that rolls 
 between us disappears, and I clasp to my bosom 
 the companion of my youth ; I awake and find 
 it but a vision of the ni";ht. The sigh will 
 rise ; the tear of dejection will steal adown my 
 cheek ; I fly to my pen, and strive to forget 
 myself, and my sorrows, in conversing with my 
 friend. 
 
 In such a situation, my good Asem, it cannot 
 
POLITICS, 311 
 
 be expected that I should be able so wholly to 
 abstract myself from my own feelings, as to give 
 thee a full and systematic account of the sincrular 
 people among whom my disastrous lot has l)eea 
 cast. I can only find leisure, from my own in- 
 dividual sorrows, to entertain thee occasionally 
 with some of the most prominent features of 
 their character ; and now and then a sohtary 
 picture of their most preposterous eccentricities. 
 
 I have before observed, that among the dis- 
 tmguishing characteristics of the people of this 
 logocracy, is their invincible love of talking ; and, 
 that I could compare the nation to nothTng but 
 a mighty windmill. Thou art doubtless at a 
 loss to conceive how this mill is supplied with 
 grist ; or, m other words, how it is possible to 
 furnish subjects to supply the perpetual motion 
 ot so many tongues. 
 
 --The genius of the nation appears in its hicrh- 
 est lustre in this particular in the discovery,*or 
 rather the application of a subject which seems 
 to supply an inexhaustible mine of words. It 
 is nothing more, my friend, than - politics " ; a 
 word which, I declare to thee, has perplexed me 
 almost as much as the redoubtable one of economy. 
 On consulting a dictionary of this languao-e, I 
 found It denoted the science of government T and 
 the relations, situations, and dispositions of states 
 and empires. Good ! thought I ; for a people 
 who boast of governing themselves, there could 
 Qot be a more important subject of investigation. 
 1 therefore listened attentively, expecting to hear 
 from " the most enlightened people under the 
 
312 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 sun," — for so they modestly term themselves, — 
 sublime disputations on the science of legislation, 
 and precepts of political wisdom that would not 
 have disgraced our great prophet and legislator 
 himself! — but, alas, Asem ! how continually are 
 my expectations disappointed ! how dignified a 
 meaning does this word bear in the dictionary; 
 how despicable its common application ; I find it 
 extending to every contemptibl-e discussion of local 
 animosity, and every petty altercation of insignif- 
 icant individuals. It embraces, alike, all manner 
 of concerns ; fiom the organization of a divan, 
 the election of a bashaw, or the levying of an 
 army, to the appointment of a constable, the 
 personal disputes of two miserable slang-whang- 
 ers, the cleaning of the streets, or the economy 
 of a dirt cart. A couple of politicians w'ill 
 quarrel, with the most vociferous pertinacity, 
 about the character of a bum-bailiff whom no- 
 body cares for ; or the deportment of a little 
 great man whom nobody knows ; and this is 
 called talking politics ; nay ! it is but few days 
 since that I was annoyed by a debate between 
 two of my fellow lodgers, who were magnani- 
 mously employed in condemning a luckless 
 wight to infamy, because he chose to wear a 
 red coat, and to entertain certain erroneous opin- 
 ions some thirty years ago. Shocked at their 
 illiberal and vindictive spirit, I rebuked them for 
 thus indulging in slander and un charitablenesses, 
 about the color of a coat, which had doubtless 
 for many years been worn out ; or the belief in 
 errors, which in all probability had been long 
 
THE LOGOCRACT. 513 
 
 since atoned for and abandoned ; but they justi- 
 fied themselves by alleging that they were only 
 engaged in politics, and exerting that liberty of 
 speech, and freedom of discussion, which was the 
 glory and safeguard of their national indepen- 
 dence. " O Mahomet ! " thought I, " what a coun- 
 try must that be, which builds its political safety 
 on ruined characters and the persecution of indi- 
 viduals ! " 
 
 Into what transports of surprise and incredulity 
 am I continually betrayed, as the character of this 
 eccentric people gradually develops itself to my 
 observations. Every new research increases the 
 perplexities in which I am involved, and I am 
 more than ever at a loss where to place them in 
 the scale of my estimation. It is thus the phi- 
 losopher, in pursuing truth through the labyrinth 
 of doubt, error, and misrepresentation, frequently 
 finds himself bewildered in the mazes of contra- 
 dictory experience ; and almost wishes he could 
 quietly retrace his wandeiing steps, !?teal back 
 into the path of honest ignorance, and jog on 
 once more in contented indifference. 
 
 How fertile in these contradictions is this ex- 
 tensive logocracy ! Men of different nations, man- 
 ners, and languages, live in this country in the 
 most perfect harmony ; and nothing is more com- 
 mon than to see individuals, whose respective 
 governments are at variance, taking each other 
 by the hand and exchanging the offices of friend- 
 siiip. Nay, even on the subject of religion, 
 which, as it affects our dearest interests, our earli- 
 est opini(ms and prejudices, some warmth and 
 
314 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 heart-burnings might be excused, which, even In 
 our enh'ghtened country, is so fruitful in differ- 
 ence between man and man ! — even religion 
 occasions no dissension among these people ; and 
 it has even been discovered, by one of their 
 sages, that believing in one god or twenty gods 
 " neither breaks a man's leg nor picks his pock- 
 et." ^ The idolatrous Persian may here bow 
 down before his everlasting fire, and prostrate 
 himself toward the glowing east. The Chinese 
 may adore his Fo, or his Josh ; the Egyptian his 
 stork ; and the Mussulman practice, unmolested, 
 the divine precepts of our immortal prophet. 
 Nay, even the forlorn, abandoned Atheist, who 
 lies down at night without committing himself 
 to the protection of Heaven, and rises in the 
 morning without returning thanks for his safety ! 
 who hath no deity but his own will ; whose soul, 
 like the sandy desert, is barren of every flower 
 of hope to throw a solitary bloom over the dead 
 level of sterility and soften the wide extent of 
 desolation ; whose darkened views extend not be- 
 yond the horizon tliat bounds his cheerless exis- 
 tence ; to whom no blissful perspective opens be- 
 yond the grave — even he is suffered to indulge 
 in his desperate opinions, without exciting one 
 other emotion than pity or contempt. But this 
 mild and tolerating spirit reaches not beyond the 
 
 1 Jefferson in his Notes on Virginia, says, " Tiie legislative 
 powers of government extend to such acts only as are in- 
 jurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor 
 to say there are twenty gods or no god. It neither picks luy 
 pocket nor breaks my leg." 
 
THE RAGE FOR TALKING. 315 
 
 pale of religion : once differ in politics, in mere 
 theories, visions, and chimeras, the growth of in- 
 terest, of folly, or madness, and deadly warfare 
 ensues ; every eye flashes fire, every tongue is 
 loaded with reproach, and every heart is filled 
 with gall and bitterness. 
 
 At this period several unjustifiable and seri- 
 ous injuries on the part of the barbarians of the 
 British Island, have given a new impulse to the 
 tongue and the pen, and occasioned a terrible 
 wordy fever. Do not suppose, my friend, that I 
 mean to condemn any proper and dignified ex- 
 pression of resentment for injuries. On the con- 
 trary, 1 love to see a word before a blow ; for 
 " in the fullness of the heart the tongue moveth." 
 But my long experience has convinced me, that 
 people who talk the most about taking satisfac- 
 tion for affronts, generally content themselves with 
 talkino^ instead of revengiiio[ the insult ; like the 
 street women of this country, who after a prodi- 
 gious scolding, quietly sit down and fan them- 
 selves cool as fast as possible. But to return : 
 the rage for talking has no\v, in consequence of 
 the agressions 1 alhided to, increased to a degree 
 far beyond what I have obseived heretofore. In 
 the gardens of His Highiiess of Tripoli are fifteen 
 thousand bee-hives, three hundred peacocks, and 
 a prodigious number of parrots and baboons ; and 
 yet I declare to thee, Asem, that their buzzing, 
 and squalling, and chattering is nothing compared 
 to the wild uproar and war of words, now raging 
 within the bosom of this mighty and distracted 
 logocracy. Politics pervade every city, evei-y 
 
316 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 village, every temple, every porter house : the 
 universal question is, " what is the news ? " 
 This is a kind of challenge to political debate ; 
 and as no two men think exactly alike, 'tis ten to 
 one, but before they finish, all the polite phrases 
 in the language are exhausted by way of giving 
 lire and energy to argument. What renders this 
 talking fever more alarming is, that the people 
 appear to be in the unhappy state of a patient 
 whose palate nauseates the medicine best calcu- 
 lated for the cure of his disease, and seem anxious 
 to continue the fidl enjoyment of their chattering 
 epidemic. They alarm each other by direful re- 
 ports and fearful apprehensions ; like I have seen 
 a lot of old wives in this country entertain them- 
 selves with stories of ghosts and goblins until 
 their imaginations were in a most agonizing 
 panic. Every day begets some new tale, big 
 with agitation ; and the busy goddess, Rumor, to 
 speak in the poetic language of the Christians, is 
 constantly in motion. Slie mounts her rattling 
 stage-wagon, and gallops about the country, 
 freighted with a load of " hints," " informations," 
 "" extracts of letters from respectable gentlemen," 
 "observations of respectable correspondents," and 
 " unquestionable authorities ;" — which her high- 
 priests, the slang-whangei's, retail to their sapient 
 followers, with all the solemnity, and all the au- 
 thenticity of oracles. True it is, the unfortunate 
 slang-whangers are sometimes at a loss for food, 
 to supply this insatiable appetite for intelligence ; 
 and are, not unfrequently, reduced to the necessity 
 of manufacturin;/ dishes suited to the taste of the 
 
A BATTLE OF WORDS. 317 
 
 times, to be served up as morning and evening 
 repasts to their disciples. 
 
 When the hungry politician is tlius full 
 charged with important information, he sallies 
 forth to give due exercise to his tongue ; and tells 
 all he knows, to everybody he meets. Now it is 
 a thousand to one that every person he meets is 
 just as wise as himself, charged with the same 
 articles of information, and possessed of the same 
 violent inclination to give it vent ; for in this 
 country every man adopts some particular slang- 
 whanger, as the standard of his judgment, and 
 reads everything he writes if he reads nothing 
 else ; which is doubtless the reason why the peo- 
 ple of this logocracy are so mai-velously enlight- 
 ened. So away they tilt at each other with their 
 borrowed lances, advancinor to the combat with 
 the opinions and speculations of their respective 
 slang-whangers, which, in all probability, are 
 diametrically opposite. Here then arises as ftiir 
 an opportunity for a battle of words as heart 
 could wish ; and thou mayst rely upon it, 
 Asem, they do not let it pass unimproved. They 
 sometimes begin with argument ; but in process 
 of time, as the tongue begins to wax wanton, 
 other auxiliaries become necessary ; recrimination 
 commences ; reproach follows close at its heels ; 
 from political abuse they proceed to personal, 
 and thus often is a friendship of years trampled 
 down by this contemptible enemy, this gigantic 
 dwarf of politics, the mongrel issue of grovel- 
 ing ambition and aspiring ignorance ! 
 
 There would be but little harm, indeed, in all 
 
318 SALMAGUNDf. 
 
 this, if it ended merely in a broken head ; for this 
 might soon be healed, and the scar, if any re- 
 mained, might serve as a warning ever after 
 against the indulgence of political intemperance ; 
 at the worst, the loss of such heads as these 
 would be a gain to the nation. But the evil ex- 
 tends far deeper ; it threatens to impair all social 
 intercourse, and even to sever the sacred union 
 of family and kindred. The convivial table is 
 disturbed ; the cheerful fireside is invaded ; tlie 
 smile of social hilarity is chased away ; the 
 bond of social love is broken by the everlasting 
 intrusion of this fiend of contention, who lurks 
 in the sparkling bowl, crouches by the fireside, 
 in the friendly circle, infests every avenue to 
 pleasure ; and, like the scowling incubus, sits on 
 the bosom of society, pressing down and smothering 
 every throb and pulsation of liberal philanthropy. 
 But thou wilt perhaps ask, '• What can these 
 people dispute about? One would suppose that, 
 being all free and equal, they would harmonize 
 as brothers; children of the same parent, and 
 equal heirs of the same inheritance." This the- 
 ory is most exquisite, my good friend, but in 
 practice it turns out the very dream of a mad- 
 man. Equality, Asem, is one of tlie most consum- 
 mate scoundrels tliat ever crept from the brain 
 of a political juggler — a fellow who thrusts his 
 hand into the pocket of honest industry, or en- 
 terprising talent, and squanders their hard-earned 
 profits on profligate idleness or indolent stupidity. 
 There will always be an inequality among man- 
 kind so long as a portion of it is enlightened 
 
EQUALITY. 319 
 
 and industrious, and the rest idle and ignorant. 
 The one will acquire a larger share of wealth, 
 and its attendant comforts, refinements, and luxu- 
 ries of life, and the influence and power which 
 those will always possess who have the greatest 
 ability of administering to the necessities of their 
 fellow creatures. These advantages will inevit- 
 ably excite envy ; and envy as inevitably begets 
 ill-will — hence arises that eternal warfare which 
 the lower orders of society are waging against 
 those who have raised themselves by theii own 
 merits, or have been raised by the merits of their 
 ancestors, above the common level. In a nation 
 possessed of quick feelings and impetuous pas- 
 sions, the hastility might engender deadly broils 
 and bloody commotions ; but here it merely vents 
 itself in hifjli-soundinj; words, which lead to con- 
 tinual breaches of decorum, or in the insidious 
 assassination of character, and a restless propen- 
 sity among the base to blacken every reputation 
 which is fairer than their own. 
 
 I cannot help smiling, sometimes, to see the so- 
 licitude with which the people of America, so 
 called from the country having been first discov- 
 ered by Christopher Columbus, battle about 
 them when any election takes place, as if they 
 had the least concern in the matter, or were to be 
 benefited by an exchange of bashaws ; they 
 really seem ignorant that none but the biishaws 
 and their dependents are at all interested in the 
 event ; and that the people at large will not find 
 their situation altered in the least. I formerly 
 gave thee an account of an election which took 
 
320 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 place under my eye. The result has been that 
 the people, as some of tlie slang-whangers say, 
 have obtained a glorious triumph, which, how- 
 ever, is flatly denied by the opposite slang- 
 whangers, who insist that their party is composed 
 of the true sovereign people ; and that the others 
 are all jacobins, Frenchmen, and Irish rebels. I 
 ought to apprise thee that the last is a term of 
 great reproach here ; which, perhaps, thou wouldst 
 not otherwise imagine, considering that it is not 
 many years since this very people were engaged 
 in a revolution ; the failure of which would have 
 subjected them to the same ignominious epi- 
 thet, and a participation in which is now the 
 highest recommendation to public confidence. By 
 Maliomet, but it cannot be denied that the con- 
 sistency of this people, like everything eise ap- 
 pertaining to them, is on a prodigious great scale ! 
 To return, however, to the event of the election. 
 The people triumphed ; and much good has it 
 done them. I, for my part expected to see won- 
 derful changes, and most magical metamorphoses. 
 I expected to see the people all rich, that they 
 would be all gentleman bashaws, riding in their 
 coaches and faring sumptuously every day, eman- 
 cipated from toil, and reveling in luxurious ease. 
 Wilt thou credit me, Asem, when I declare imto 
 thee, that everything remains exactly in the same 
 state it was before the last wordy campaign ? ex- 
 cept a few noisy retainers who have crept into 
 office, and a few noisy patriots, on the other side, 
 who have been kicked out, there is not the least 
 difference. The laborer toils for his daily sup- 
 
A SWELL FISH. 321 
 
 port ; the beggar still lives on the charity of 
 those who have any charity to bestow; and the 
 only solid satisfaction the multitude have reaped 
 is, that they have got a new governor, or bashaw, 
 whom they will praise, idolize, and exalt for a 
 while, and afterward, notwithstanding the sterling 
 merits he really possesses, in compliance with im- 
 memorial custom, they will abuse, calumniate, 
 and trample him under foot. 
 
 Such, my dear Asem, is the way in which the 
 wise people of "the most enlightened country 
 under the sun," are amused with straws, and 
 puffed up with mighty conceits ; like a certain 
 fish I have seen here, which having his belly 
 tickled for a short time, will swell and puff him- 
 self up to twice his usual size, and become a 
 mere bladder of wind and vanity. 
 
 The blessing of a true Mussulman light on 
 thee, good Asem ; ever, while thou livest, be true 
 to thy prophet ; and rejoice that, though the 
 boasting political chatterers of this logocracy 
 cast upon thy countrymen the ignominious epi- 
 thet of slaves, thou livest in a country where the 
 people instead of being at the mercy of a tyrant 
 with a million of heads, have nothing to do but 
 submit to the will of a bashaw of only three 
 tails. 
 
 Ever thine, 
 
 MUSTAPHA, 
 
322 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 COCKLOFT HALL. 
 
 BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 
 
 THOSE who pass their time immured in the 
 smoke of the city, amid the nitth'ng of carts, 
 the brawlino: of the multitude, and the variety 
 of discordant sounds tliat prey insensibly upon 
 the nerves, and beget a weariness of the spirits, 
 can alone understand and feel that expansion of 
 the heart, that physical renovation wiiich a citi- 
 zen experiences when he steals forth from his 
 dusty prison, to breathe the free air of heaven, 
 and enjoy the clear face of nature. Who thai 
 has rambled by the side of one of our majestic 
 rivers, at the hour of sunset, when the wildly 
 romantic scenery around is sottened and tinted by 
 the voluptuous mist of evening: when the bold 
 and swelling outlines of the distant mountain 
 seem melting into the glowing horizon, and a 
 rich mantle of refulgence is thrown over the 
 whole expanse of the heavens, but must have 
 felt how abundant is nature in sources of pure 
 enjoyment ; how luxuriant in all that can enliven 
 the senses or delight the imagination. The jo- 
 cund zephyr full freighted with native fragrance, 
 sues sweetly to the senses ; the chirping of the 
 thousand varieties of insects with which our 
 woodlands abound forms a concert of simple mel- 
 ody ; even the barking of :he farm dog, the 
 lowing of the cattle, the tinkling of their bells, 
 and the strokes of the woodman's axe from the 
 opposite sliore, seem to partake of the softness 
 
REFLECTIONS. 323 
 
 of the scene, and fall tunefully upon the ear; 
 while the voice of the villager, chanting some 
 rustic ballad, swells from a distance, in the sem- 
 blance of the very music of harmonious love. 
 
 At such times I am conscious of the influence 
 of nature upon the heart ; a hallowed calm is 
 diffused over my senses ; I cast my eyes around, 
 and every object is serene, simple, and beautiful ; 
 no warring passion, no discordant string, there 
 vibrates to the touch of ambition, self-interest, 
 hatred, or revenge; I am at peace with the 
 whole world, and hail all mankind as friends and 
 brothers. Blissful moments ! ye recall the care- 
 less days of my boyhood, when mere existence 
 was happiness, when hope was certainty, this 
 world a paradise, and every woman a minister- 
 ing angel ! Surely man was designed for a ten- 
 ant of the universe, instead of being pent up in 
 these dismal cages, these dens of strife, disease, 
 and discord. We were created to ranse the 
 fields, to sport among the groves, to build castles 
 in the air, and have every one of them realized ! 
 
 A whole legion of reflections like these insinu- 
 ated themselves into my mind, and stole me from 
 the influence of the cold realities before me, as I 
 took my accustomed walk a few weeks since on 
 the Battery. Here, watching the splendid muta- 
 tions of one of our summer skies, which emulated 
 the boasted glories of an Italian sunset, I all at 
 once discovered that it was but pack up my port- 
 manteau, bid adieu for awhile to my elbow-chair, 
 and in a little time I should be transported from 
 the region of smoke, and noise, and dust, to the 
 
324 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 enjoyment of a far sweeter prospect and a brighter 
 sky. The next morning I was off full tilt to 
 Cockloft Hall, leaving my man Pompey to follow 
 at his leisure with my baggage. I love to in- 
 dulge in rapid transitions, which are prompted by 
 the quick impulse of the moment ; 'tis the only 
 mode of guarding against that intruding and 
 deadly foe to all parties of pleasure — anticipa- 
 tion. 
 
 Having now made good my retreat until the 
 black frosts commence, it is but a piece of civility 
 due to my readers, who I trust are, ere this, my 
 friends, to give them a proper introduction to my 
 present residence. I do this as much to gratify 
 them as myself; well knowing a reader is always 
 anxious to learn how his author is lodged, whether 
 in a garret, a cellar, a hovel, or a palace ; at least 
 an author is generally vain enough to think so ; 
 and an author's vanity ought sometimes to be 
 gratified. Poor devil ! it is often the only grati- 
 fication he ever tastes in this world ! 
 
 Cockloft Hall is the country residence of the 
 family, or rather the paternal mansion ; which, 
 like the mother country, sends forth wliole colo- 
 nies to people the face of the earth. Pindar 
 whimsically denominates it the family hive ! and 
 there is at least as much truth as humor in my 
 cousin's epithet ; for many a swarm has it pro- 
 duced. I don't recollect whether I have at any 
 time mentioned to my readers, for I seldom look 
 back on what I have written, that the fertility of 
 the Cocklofts is proverbial. The female mem- 
 bers of the family are most incredibly fruitful ; 
 
COCKLOFT HALL. 325 
 
 and to use a favorite phrase of old Cockloft, who 
 is excessively addicted to backgammon, they sel- 
 dom fail " to throw doublets every time." I my- 
 self have known three or four very industrious 
 young men reduced to great extremities by some 
 of these capital breeders ; Heaven smiled upon 
 their union, and enriched them with a numerous 
 and hopeful offspring, who eat them out of doors. 
 But to return to the Hall. It is pleasantly 
 situated on the banks of a sweet pastoral stream ; 
 not so near town as to invite an inundation of 
 idle acquaintance, who come to lounge away an 
 afternoon, nor so distant as to render it an abso- 
 lute deed of charity or friend:?hip to perform the 
 journey. It is one of the oldest habitations in 
 the country, and was built by my cousin Chris- 
 topher's grandfather, who was also mine by the 
 mother's side, in his latter days, to form, as the 
 old gentleman expressed himself, " a snug retreat, 
 where he meant to sit himself down in his old 
 days, and be comfortable for the rest of his life." 
 He was at this time a few years over four-score ; 
 but this was a common saying of his, with which 
 he usually closed his airy speculations. One 
 would have thought, from the long vista of years 
 through which he contemplated many of his pro 
 jects, that the good man had forgot the age of 
 the patriarchs had long since gone by, and calcu- 
 lated living a century longer at least. He was 
 for a considerable time in doubt, on the question 
 of roofing his house with shin<zles or slates: 
 shingles would not last above thirty years ! but 
 then they were much cheaper than slates. He 
 
326 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 settled the matter by a kind of compromise, and 
 determined to build with shingles first ; " and 
 when they are worn out," said the old gentleman, 
 triumphantly, "'twill be time enough to replace 
 them with more durable materials ! " But his 
 contemplated improvements surpassed everything; 
 and scarcely had he a roof over his head when 
 he discovered a thousand things to be arranged 
 before he could " sit down comfortably." In the 
 first place, every tree and bush on the place was 
 cut down or grubbed up by the roots, because 
 they were not placed to his mind ; and a vast 
 quantity of oaks, chestnuts, and elms, set out in 
 clumps, and rows, and labyrinths, which, he ob- 
 served, in about five-and-twenty or thirty years 
 at most, would yield a very tolerable shade, and, 
 moreover, would shut out all the surrounding 
 country ; for he was determined, he said, to have 
 all his views on his own land, and be beholden 
 to no man for a prospect. This, my learned 
 readers will perceive, was something very like 
 the idea of Lorenzo de Medici, who gave as a 
 reason for preferring one of his seats above all 
 the others, " that all the ground within view of 
 it was his own ; " now, whether my grandfather 
 ever heard of the Medici is more than I can say ; 
 I rather think, however, from the characteristic 
 originality of the Cocklofts, that it was a whim- 
 wham of his own begettinjj. Another odd notion 
 of the old gentleman was to blow up a large bed 
 of rocks for the purpose of having a fish-pond, 
 although the river ran at about one hundred 
 yards' distance from the house, and was well 
 
THE FISH-POND, 327 
 
 stored with fish ; but there was nothing, he said, 
 like having things to one's self. So at it he went, 
 with all the ardor of a projector who has just hit 
 upon some splendid and useless whimwham. As 
 he proceeded, his views enlarged ; he would have 
 a summer-house built on the margin of the fish- 
 pond ; he would have it surrounded with elms 
 and willows ; and he would have a cellar dug 
 under it, for some incomprehensible purpose, 
 which remains a secret to this day.-'^ "In a few 
 
 1 The writer of the reminiscence, whom we have already 
 cited in the previous mention of Cockloft Hall, Mr. W. A. 
 Whitehead of Newark, describes the recent condition of the 
 Bummer-house. " The old man," who serves the purpose of 
 the narrator, " sighed and turned away his head, while he led 
 the way to a small building standing not far from the river's 
 brink, and near an artificial basin or pond, into which, as the 
 tide was full, the Passaic was pouring some of its surplus wa- 
 ters through a narrow sluice. It was octagonal in shape, 
 about eighteen feet in diameter, containing only one apart- 
 ment, with a door facing the river on the east, and having 
 windows opening toward each of the other three cardinal 
 points. It was built of stone, and had been originally wea- 
 ther-boarded, although most of the boards had fallen off. It 
 had evidently been constructed with great c^e, being fully 
 plastered within and papered, having an ornamental cornice 
 and chair-board, an arched doorway, and cut stone steps: all 
 indicating a fastidiousness of finish not ordinarily found else- 
 where than in dwellings; but it was far gone toward utter 
 ruin, the window sashes being all out, the door gone, and the 
 Diutilated wood-work showing it to be the resort onh" of the 
 idle and the vicious. On looking to my companion for an 
 explanation, he said: — 
 
 " ' This, sir, was the Cockloft summer house, and this the 
 fish-pond which Irving mentions when giving the portrait of 
 the old proprietor. You may remember the passage, " an odd 
 
328 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 years," he observed, "it would be a delightful 
 piece of wood and water, where he might ramble 
 on a summer's noon, smoke his pipe, and enjoy 
 himself in his old days ; " thrice honest old soul ! 
 — he died of an apoplexy in his ninetieth year, 
 just as he had begun to blow up tlie fish-pond. 
 
 Let no one ridicule the whimwhams of my 
 grandfather. If — and of this there is no doubt, 
 for wise men have said it — if life be but a 
 dream, happy is he who can make the most of 
 the illusion. 
 
 Since my grandfather's death the Hall has 
 passed through the hands of a succession of true 
 
 notion of the old gentleman was to blow up a large bed of 
 rocks for the purpose of having a fish-pond, although the river 
 ran at about one hundred yards' distance from the house, and 
 was vtell stored with fish, but there was nothing, he said, nke 
 having things to one's self. And he would have a sumruer- 
 house built on the margin of the fish-pond; he would ha^ e it 
 surrounded with elms and willows; and he would havj a 
 cellar dug under it, for some incomprehensible purpose, wlJch 
 remains a secret to this day." As I remember it, in the 
 days of youth,' continued my aged friend, ' with its wind )w- 
 seats and lockers, I think it requires no " Will Wizard " to 
 solve the mj^stery of the cellar, but that there the bottles 
 were kept that were wont to surrender their exhilarating con- 
 tents at the summons of the occupants of the comfortable 
 apartment above.' 
 
 "•' As I commented on the peculiar position of the building, 
 my companion remarked : — 
 
 " ' Here, too, you see an illustration of a peculiarity of tha 
 elder " Cockloft." " He was determined," says Irving, " to 
 have all his views on his own land, and be beholden to no 
 man for a prospect." So he placed, you see, the door of his 
 summer-house on the side toward the water, while the win- 
 dows all look inland.' " 
 
ANCIENT FURNITURE. 329 
 
 old cavaliers, like himself, who gloried in observ- 
 ing the golden rules of hospitality ; which, ac- 
 cording to tiie Cockloft principle, consists in giv- 
 ing a guest the freedom of the liouse, cramming 
 him with beef and pudding, and, if possible, lay- 
 ing him under the table with prime port, claret, 
 or London Particular. The mansion appears to 
 have been consecrated to the jolly god, and teems 
 with monuments sacred to conviviality. Every 
 chest of drawers, clothes-press, and cabinet is 
 decorated with enormous China punch-bowls, 
 which Mrs. Cockloft has paraded with much os- 
 fentation, particularly in her favorite red damask 
 bed-chamber, in which a projector might, with 
 great satisfaction, practice his eyperiments on 
 fleets, diving-bells, and submarine boats. 
 
 I have before mentioned Cousin Christopher's 
 profound veneration for antique furniture; in con- 
 sequence of which the old hall is furnished in 
 much the same style with the house in town. 
 Old-fashioned bedsteads, with high testers ; massy 
 clothes-presses, standing most majestically on 
 eagles' claws, and ornamented with a profusion 
 of shining brass handles, clasps, and hinges ; and 
 around the grand parlor are solemnly arranged a 
 set of high-backed, leather-bottomed, massy ma- 
 hogany chairs, that always remind me of the for- 
 mal, long-waisted belles who flourished in stays 
 and buckram about the time they were in fashion. 
 
 If I may judge from their height, it was not 
 the fashion for gentlemen in those days to loll 
 over the back of a lady's chair, and whisper in 
 her ear what — might be as well spoken aloud ; 
 
330 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 at least, they must have been I'attigonians to 
 have effected it. Will Wizard declares that he 
 saw a little fat German gallant attempt once to 
 whisper Miss Barbara Cockloft in this manner ; 
 but being unluckily caught by the chin, he dan- 
 gled and kicked about for half a minute before 
 he could find terra firma — but Will is much ad- 
 dicted to hyperbole, by reason of his having been 
 a great traveller. 
 
 But what the GDcklofts most especially pride 
 themselves upon, is the possession of several fam- 
 ily portraits, which exhibit as honest a set of 
 square, portly, well-fed looking gentlemen arid 
 gentlewomen as ever grew and flourished under 
 the pencil of a Dutch painter. Old Christopher, 
 who is a complete genealogist, lias a story to tell 
 of each, and dilates with copious eloquence on 
 the great services of the general iti large sleeves, 
 during the old French war ; and on the piety of 
 the lady in blue velvet, who so attentively pe- 
 ruses her book, and was once so celebrated for 
 a beautiful arm ; but, much as 1 reverence my 
 illustrious ancestors, I find little to admire in 
 their biography, except my cousin's excellent 
 memory; which is most provokingly retentive of 
 every uninteresting particular. 
 
 My allotted chamber in the Hall is the same 
 that was occupied in days of yore by my honored 
 uncle John. The room exhibits many memorials 
 which recall to my remembrance the solid excel- 
 lence and amiable eccentricities of that gallant old 
 ad. Over the mantel-piece hangs the portrait of 
 a young lady dressed in a flaring, long-waisted, 
 
UNCLE JOHN'S ROOM. 331 
 
 blue silk gown ; be-flowered, and be-furbelowed, 
 and be-cufFed, in a most abundant manner ; she 
 holds in one hand a book, which she very com- 
 plaisantly neglects, to turn and smile on the spec- 
 tator ; in the other a flower, which I hope, for the, 
 honor of Dame Nature, was the sole production of 
 the painter's imagination ; and a little behind her 
 is something tied to a blue ribbon, but whether a 
 little dog, a monkey, or a pigeon, must be left to 
 the judgment of future commentators. This lit- 
 tle damsel, tradition says, was my uncle John's 
 third flame ; and he would infallibly have run 
 away with her, could he have persuaded her into 
 the measure ; but at that time ladies were not 
 quite so easily run away with as Columbine ; and 
 my uncle, failing in the point, took a lucky 
 thought, and with great gallantry ran ofi^ with 
 her picture, which he conveyed in triumph to 
 Cockloft Hall, and hung up in his bed-chamber 
 as a monument of his enterprising spirit. The 
 old gentleman prided himself mightily on this 
 chivalric maneuver ; always chuckled, and pulled 
 up his stock when he contemplated the picture, 
 and never related the exploit without winding up 
 with — " I might, indeed, have carried off the 
 original, had I chose to dangle a little longer after 
 her chariot-wheels ; for, to do the girl justice, I 
 believe she had a liking for me ; but I always 
 scorned to coax, my boy — always — 'twas my 
 way." My imcle John was of a happy temper- 
 ament ; I would give half I am worth for his 
 talent at self-consolation. 
 
 The Miss Cocklofts have made several spirited 
 
332 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 attempts to introduce modern furniture into the 
 Hall, but with very indifferent success. Modern 
 style has always been an object of great annoy- 
 ance to honest Christopher, and is ever treated 
 by him with sovereign contempt, as an upstart 
 intruder. It is a common observation of his, 
 that your old-fashioned, substantial furniture be- 
 speaks the respectability of one's ancestors, and 
 indicates that the family has been used to hold 
 up its head for more than the present generation ; 
 whereas the fragile appendages of modern style 
 seemed to be emblems of mushroom gentility, and, 
 to his mind, predicted that the family dignity will 
 moulder away and vanish with its transient finery. 
 The same whimwham makes him averse to hav- 
 ing his house surrounded with poplars ; which he 
 stigmatizes as mere upstarts, just fit to ornament 
 the shingle palaces of modern gentry, and char- 
 acteristic of the establishments they decorate. 
 Indeed, so far does he carry his veneration for 
 antique trumpery, that he can scarcely see the 
 dust brushed from its resting-place on the old- 
 fashioned testers, or a gray-bearded spider dis- 
 lodged from its ancient inheritance, without groan- 
 ing : and I once saw him in a transport of passion 
 on Jeremy's knocking down a mouldering martin- 
 coop with his tennis-ball, which had been set up 
 in the latter days of my grandfather. Another 
 object of his peculiar affection is an old English 
 cherry-tree, which leans against the corner of the 
 Hall ; and whether the house supports it, or it 
 supports the house, would be, I believe, a ques- 
 tion of some difj&culty to decide. It is held sa- 
 
A TREE. 333 
 
 cred by friend Christopher because he planted 
 and reared it himself, and had once well-nigh 
 broken his neck by a fall from one of its branches. 
 This is one of his favorite stories, and there is 
 reason to believe, that if the tree was out of the 
 way, the old p:;entlernan would forget the whole 
 affair — which would be a great pity. The old 
 tree has long since ceased bearing, and is exceed- 
 ingly infirm ; every tempest robs it of a limb ; and 
 one would suppose from the lamentations of my 
 old friend, on such occasions, that he had lost one 
 of his own. He often contemplates it in a half- 
 melancholy, half-moralizing humor — " together," 
 he says, " have we flourished, and together shall 
 we wither away ; a few years, and both our heads 
 will be laid low, and, perhaps, my mouldering 
 bones may, one day or other, mingle with the 
 dust of the tree I have planted." He often fan- 
 cies, he says, that it rejoices to see him when he 
 revisits the Hall, and that its leaves assume a 
 brighter verdure, as if to welcome his arrival. 
 How whimsically are our tenderest feelings as- 
 sailed ! At one time the old tree had obtruded 
 a withered branch before Miss Baibara's window, 
 and she desired her father to order the gardener 
 to saw it off. I shall never forget the old 
 man's answer, and the look that accompanied it. 
 " What," cried he, " lop off the limbs of my 
 cherry-tree in its old age? Why do you not cut 
 off the gray locks of your poor old father ? " 
 
 Do my readers yawn at this long family de- 
 tail ? They are welcome to throw down our 
 work, and never resume it again. I have no care 
 
334 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 for such ungratified spirits, and will not throw 
 away a thought on one of them. Full often have 
 I contributed to their amusement, and have not I 
 a right, for once, to consult my own ? Who is 
 there that does not fondly turn, at times, to linger 
 round those scenes whicli were once the haunt of 
 his boyhood, ere his heart grew heavy and his 
 head waxed gray ; and to dwell with fond affec- 
 tion on the friends who have twined themselves 
 round his heart — mingled in all his enjoyments 
 — contributed to all his felicities ? If there be 
 any who cannot relish these enjoyments, let them 
 despair ; for they have been so soiled in their in- 
 tercourse with the world, as to be incapable of tast- 
 ing some of the purest pleasures that survive the 
 happy period of youth. 
 
 To such as have not yet lost the rural feeling, 
 I address this simple family picture ; and in the 
 honest sincerity of a warm heart, I invite them to 
 turn aside from bustle, care, and toil, to tarry 
 with me for a season, in the hospitable mansion 
 of the Cocklofts. 
 
 [I "WAS really apprehensive, on reading the fol- 
 lowing effusion of Will Wizard, that he still re- 
 tained that pestilent hankering after puns of which 
 we lately convicted him. He, however, declares 
 that he is fully authorized by the example of the 
 most popular critics and wits of the present age, 
 whose manner and matter he has closely, and he 
 Hatters himself successfully, copied in the sul)se- 
 quent essay.] 
 
THEATRICALS IN DISTRESS. 335 
 
 THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE. 
 
 BY WILLIAM WIZAKD, ESQ. 
 
 THE uncommon healthiness of the season, oc- 
 casioned, as several learned physicians assure 
 me, by the universal prevalence of the influenza, 
 nas encouraged the chieftain of our dramatic corps 
 to marshal his forces, and to commence the cam- 
 paign at a much earlier day than usual. He has 
 been induced to take the fieUl thus suddenly, I 
 am told, by the invasion of certain foreign maraud- 
 ers, who pitched their tents at Vauxhall Garden 
 during the warm months ; and taking advantage 
 of his army being disbanded and dispersed in sum- 
 mer quarters, committed sad depredations upon 
 the borders of his territories, carrying off a con- 
 siderable portion of his winter harvest, and mur- 
 dering some of his most distinguished characters. 
 It is true, these hardy invaders have been re- 
 duced to great extremity by the late heavy rains, 
 which injured and destroyed much of their camp 
 equipage, besides spoiling the best part of their 
 wardrobe. Two cities, a triumphal car, and a 
 new moon for Cinderella, together with the bar- 
 ber's boy who was employed every night to pow- 
 der and make it shine white, have been entirely 
 washed away, and the sea has become very wet 
 and mouldy ; insomuch that great apprehensions 
 are entertained that it will never be dry enough 
 for use. Add to this, the noble County Paris had 
 the misfortune to tear his corduroy breeches, in 
 the sculfle with Romeo, by reason of the tomb 
 
336 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 being very wet, which occasioned him to slip ; 
 and he and his noble rival possessing but one pair 
 of satin ones between them, were reduced to con- 
 siderable shifts to keep up the dignity of their re- 
 spective houses. In spite of these disadvantages, 
 aud the untoward circumstances, they contiimed to 
 enact most intrepidly ; performing with much ease 
 and confidence, inasmuch as they were seldom 
 pestered with an audience to criticise and put them 
 out of countenance. It is rumored that the last 
 heavy shower absolutely dissolved the company, 
 and that our manager has nothing further to ap- 
 prehend from that quarter. 
 
 The theatre opened on Wednesday last, with 
 great eclat, as we critics say, and almost vied in 
 brilliancy with that of my superb friend Consequa 
 in Canton, where the castles were all ivory,, the sea 
 mother of pearl, the skies gold and silver leaf, 
 and the outside of the boxes inlaid with scollop 
 shell-work. Those who want a better description 
 of the theatre, may as well go and see it, and then 
 they can judge for themselves. For the gratifica- 
 tion of a highly respectable class of readers, who 
 love to see everything on paper, I had indeed pre- 
 pared a circumstantial and truly incomprehensible 
 account of it, such as your traveller always fills 
 his book with, and which I defy the most intelli- 
 gent architect, even the great Sir Christopher 
 Wren to understand. I had jumbled cornices, 
 and pilasters, and pillars, and capitals, and tri- 
 glyphs, and modules, and plinths, and volutes, and 
 perspectives, and fore-shortenings, helter-skelter ; 
 and had set all the orders of architecture, Doric, 
 
SUPERNUMERARIES. 337 
 
 Ionic, Corinthian, etc., together by the ears, in or- 
 der to work out a satisfactory description ; but 
 the manager having sent me a polite note re- 
 questing that I would not take off the sharp edge, 
 as he whimsically expressed it, of public curiosity, 
 thereby diminishing the receipts of his house, I 
 have willingly consented to oblige him, and have 
 left my description at the store of our publisher, 
 where any person may see it — provided he ap- 
 plies at a proper hour. 
 
 I cannot refrain here from giving vent to the 
 satisfaction I received from the excellent perfor- 
 mances of the different actors, one and all ; and 
 particularly the gentlemen who shifted the scenes, 
 who acquitted themselves throughout with great 
 celerity, dignity, pathos, and effect. Nor must I 
 pass over the peculiar merits of my friend John, 
 who gallanted off the chairs and tables in the most 
 dignified and circumspect manner. Indeed, I have 
 had frequent occasion to applaud the correctness 
 with which this gentleman fulfills the parts allotted 
 him, and consider him as one of the best general 
 performers in the company. My friend, the cock- 
 ney, found considerable fault with the manner in 
 which John shoved a huse rock from behind the 
 scenes ; maintaining that he should have put his 
 left foot forward, and pushed it with his right 
 hand, that being the method practiced by his con- 
 temporaries of the royal theatres, and universally 
 approved by their best critics. He also took ex- 
 ception to John's coat, which he pronounced too 
 short by a foot at least, particularly when he 
 turned his back to the company. But I look 
 22 
 
338 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 upon these objections in the same light as new 
 readings, and insist that John shall be allowed to 
 maneuver his chairs and tables, shove his rocks, 
 and wear his skirts in that style which his genius 
 best affects. My hopes in the rising merits of 
 this favorite actor daily increase ; and I would 
 hint to the manager the propriety of giving him 
 a benefit, advertising in the usual style of play- 
 bills, as a "" springe to catch woodcocks," that be- 
 tween the play and farce, John will make a bow 
 — for that night only ! 
 
 I am told that no pains have been spared to 
 make the exhibitions of this season as splendid as 
 possible. Several expert rat-catchers have been 
 sent into different parts of the country to catch 
 white mice for the grand pantomime of " Cinder- 
 ella." A nest full of little squab Cupids have 
 been taken in the neighborhood of Communipaw ; 
 they are as yet but half fiedged, of the true Hol- 
 land breed, and it is hoped will be able to fly 
 about by the middle of October ; otherwise they 
 will be suspended about the stage by the waist- 
 band, like little alligators in an apothecary's shop, 
 as the pantomime must positively be performed by 
 that time. Great pains and expense have been 
 incurred in the importation of one of the most 
 portly pumpkins in New England ; and the pub- 
 lic may be assured there is now one on board 
 a vessel from New Haven, which will contain 
 Cinderella's coach and six with perfect ease, were 
 the white mice even ten times as large. 
 
 Also several barrels of hail, rain, brimstone, 
 and gunpowder, are in store for melodramas, of 
 
FURTHER IMPROVEMENT'S. 339 
 
 which a number are to be phiyed off thia winter, 
 It is furthermore wliispereil me that the great 
 thunder drum has been new braced, and an ex- 
 pert performer on ti»at instrument engaged, who 
 will thunder in plain English, so as to be under- 
 stood by the most illiterate hearer. This will be 
 infinitely preferable to tlie miserable Italian ihun- 
 derer, employed last winter by Mr. Ciceri, who 
 performed in such an unnatural and outlandish 
 tongue, that none but the scholars of Signor Da 
 Ponte could understand him. It will be a fur- 
 ther gratification to the patriotic audience to know 
 that the present thunderer is a fellow-countryman, 
 born at Dunderberg, among the echoes of the 
 Highlands, and that he thunders with peculiar 
 emphasis and pompous enunciation, in the true 
 style of a Fourth of July orator. 
 
 In addition to all these additions, the manaser 
 has provided an entire new snow-storm, the very 
 sight of which will be quite sufficient to draw a 
 shawl over every naked bosom in the theatre ; 
 the snow is perfectly fresh, having been manufac- 
 tured last August. 
 
 N.B. The outside of the theatre has been or 
 namented with a new chimney I ! 
 
NO. XV.— THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1807. 
 
 SKETCHES FROM NATURE. 
 
 BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 
 
 HE brisk northwesters, which prevailed 
 not long since, had a powerful effect in 
 arresting the progress of belles, beaux, 
 and wild pigeons in their fashionable northern 
 tour, and turning them back to the more balmy 
 region of the south. Among the rest, I was en- 
 countered, full butt, by a blast which set my 
 teeth chattering, just as I doubled one of the 
 frownmg bluffs of the Mohawk Mountains, in 
 my route to Niagara, and facing about inconti- 
 nently, I forthwith scud befoi-e the wind, and a 
 few days since arrived at* my old quarters in New 
 York. My first care, on returning from so long 
 an absence, was to visit the worthy family of the 
 Cocklofts, whom I found safe burrowed in their 
 country mansion. On inquiring for my highly 
 respected coadjutor, Laiigstaff, I learned, with 
 great concern, that he had relapsed into one of 
 his eccentric fits of the spleen, ever since the era 
 of a turtle dinner given by old Cockloft to some 
 of the neighboring squires, wherein the old gen- 
 tleman had achieved a glorious victory in laying 
 honest Launcelot fairly under the table. Lang- 
 
A FIT OF THE SPLEEN. 341 
 
 Staff, although fond of the social board and cheerful 
 glass, yet abominates any excess, and has an in- 
 vincible aversion to getting mellow, considering 
 it a willful outrage on the sanctity of the imperial 
 mind, a senseless abuse of the body, and an un- 
 pardonable, because a voluntary, prostration of both 
 mental and personal dignity. I have heard him 
 moralize on the subject, in a style that would do 
 honor to Michael Cassio himself; but I believe, 
 if the truth were known, this antipathy rather 
 rises from his having, as the phrase is, but a weak 
 head, and nerves so extremely sensitive, that he is 
 sure to suffer severely from a frolic, and will 
 groan and make resolutions against it for a week 
 afterward. He therefore took this waocs^ish ex- 
 ploit of old Christopher's, and the consequent 
 quizzing which he underwent, in high dudgeon ; 
 had kept aloof from company for a fortnight, and 
 appeared to be meditating some deep plan of re- 
 taliation upon his mischievous old crony. He 
 had, however, for the last day or two, shown some 
 symptoms of convalescence : had listened, with- 
 out more than half a dozen twitches of impa- 
 tience, to one of Christopher's unconscionable 
 long stories, and even was seen to smile, for the 
 one hundred and thirtieth time, at a venerable 
 joke originally borrowed from Joe Miller, but 
 which, by dint of .long occupancy, and frequent 
 repetition, the old gentleman now firmly believes 
 happened to himself somewhere in New England. 
 As I am well acquainted with Launcelot's 
 haunts, I soon found him out. He was lolling 
 on his favorite bench, rudely constructed at the 
 
342 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 foot of an old tree, which is full of fantastical 
 twists, and with its spreading branches forms a 
 canopy of luxuriant foliage. This tree is a 
 kind of chronicle of the short reigns of his 
 uncle John's mistresses ; and its trunk is sorely 
 wounded with carviugs of true lovers' knots, 
 hearts, darts, names, and inscriptions ! — frail 
 memorials of the variety of the fair dames who 
 captivated the wandering fancy of that old 
 cavalier in the days of his youthful romance. 
 Launcelot holds this tree in particular regard, as 
 he does everything else connected with the mem- 
 ory of his good uncle John. He was reclining, in 
 one of his usual brown studies, against its trunk, 
 and gazing pensively upon the river that glided 
 just by, washing the drooping branches of the 
 dwarf willows that fiinged its bank. My ap- 
 pearance roused him ; he grasped my hand with 
 his usual warmth, and with a tremulous l)ut close 
 pressure, which spoke that his heart entered into 
 the salutation. After a number of affectionate 
 inquiries and felicitations, such as friendship, not 
 form, dictated, he seemed to relapse into his for- 
 mer flow of thought, and to resume the chain of 
 ideas my appearance had broken for a moment. 
 
 " I was reflecting," said he, " my dear Anthony, 
 upon some observations I made in our last num- 
 ber : and considering whether the sight of objects 
 once dear to the affections, or of scenes where 
 we have passed different happy periods of early 
 life, really occasions most enjoyment or most re- 
 gret. Renewing onr acquaintance with well- 
 known and long separated objects, revives, it is 
 
SENTIMENTAL. 343 
 
 true, the recollection of former pleasures, and 
 touches the tenderest feelings of the heart; as 
 the flavor of a delicious beverage will remain 
 upon the palate long after the cup has parted 
 from the lips. But on the other hand, my friend, 
 these same objects are too apt to awaken us to a 
 keener recollection of what we were, when they 
 once delighted us ; and to provoke a mortifying 
 and melancholy contrast with what we are at 
 present. They act, in a manner, as milestones 
 of existence, showing us how far we have trav- 
 elled in the journey of life — how much of our 
 weary but fascinating pilgrimage is accomplished. 
 I look round me, and my eye fondly recognizes 
 the fields I once sported over, the river in which 
 I once swam, and the orchard I intrepidly robbed 
 in the halcyon days of boyhood. The fields are 
 still green, the river still rolls unaltered and un- 
 diminished, and the orchard is still flourishing 
 and fruitful ; — it is I only am changed. The 
 thoughtless flow of madcap spirits that nothing 
 could depress, the elasticity of nerve that enabled 
 me to bound over the field, to stem the stream and 
 climb the tree — the ' sunshine of the breast ' 
 that beamed an illusive charm over every object, 
 and created a paradise around me — where are 
 they ? — the thievish lapse of years has stolen 
 them away, and left in return nothing but gray 
 hairs, and a repining spirit." My friend Launce- 
 lot concluded his harangue with a sigh, and as I 
 saw he was still under the influence of a whole 
 legion of the blues, and just on the point of sinking 
 into one of his whimsical and unreasonable fits 
 
344 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 of melancholy abstraction, I proposed a walk. 
 He consented, and slipping his left arm in mine, 
 and waving in the other a gold-headed thorn cane, 
 bequeathed him by his uncle John, we slowly 
 rambled along the margin of the river. 
 
 Langstaff, though possessing great vivacity of 
 temper, is most wofully subject to these " thick 
 cominsr fancies ; " and I do not know a man 
 whose animal spirits do insult him with more 
 jil tings, and coquetries, and slippery tricks. In 
 these moods he is often visited by a whimwham 
 which he indulges in common with the Cocklofts. 
 It is that of looking back with regret, conjuring 
 up the phantoms of good old times, and decking 
 them out in imaginary finery, with the spoils of 
 his fancy ; like a good lady widow, regretting the 
 loss of the " poor dear man ; " for whom, while 
 living, she cared not a rush. I have seen him 
 and Pindar, and old Cockloft, amuse themselves 
 over a bottle with their youthful days, until by 
 the time they had become what is termed merry, 
 they were the most miserable beings in existence. 
 In a similar humor was Lnuncelot at present, and 
 I knew the only way was to let him moralize 
 himself out of it. 
 
 Our ramble was soon interrupted by the ap- 
 pearance of a personage of no little importance 
 at Cockloft Hall — for, to let my readers into a 
 family secret, friend Christopher is notoriously 
 henpecked by an old negro, who has whitened on 
 the place ; and is his master, almanac, and coun- 
 selor. My readers, if haply tliey have sojourned 
 in the country and become conversant in rural 
 
OLD C^SAR. 345 
 
 manners, must have observed that there is scarce 
 a little hamlet but has one of these old, weather- 
 beaten wiseacres of negroes, who ranks among the 
 great characters of the place. He is always 
 resorted to as an oracle to resolve any question 
 about the weather, fishing, shooting, farming, and 
 horse-doctoring ; and on such occasions will 
 slouch his remnant of a hat on one side, fold 
 his arms, roll his white eyes, and examine the sky, 
 with a look as knowing as Peter Pindar's magpie 
 when peeping into a marrow-bone. Such a sage 
 curmudgeon is old C?esar, who acts as friend 
 Cockloft's prime master or grand vizier; assumes, 
 when abroad, his master's style and title ; to Avit, 
 Squire Cockloft ; and is, in effect, absolute lord 
 and ruler of the soil. 
 
 As he passed us, he pulled off his hat with an 
 air of something more than respect ; it partook, I 
 thought, of affection. " There, now, is another 
 memento of the kind I have been noticing," said 
 Launcelot ; " Caesar Avas a bosom friend and 
 chosen playmate of Cousin Pindar and myself, 
 when we were boys. Never were we so happy as 
 when, stealing away on a holiday to the Hall, we 
 ranged about the fields with honest Ciesar. He 
 was particularly adroit in making our quail-traps 
 and fishing-rods ; was always the ringleader in 
 all the schemes of frolicsome mischief perpetrated 
 by the urchins of the neighborliood ; considered 
 himself on an equality with tlie best of us ; and 
 many a hard battle have I had with him, about 
 the division of the spoils of an orchard, or the 
 title to a bird's nest. Many a summer evening 
 
346 SALMAGUNDL 
 
 do I remember when, huddled together on the 
 steps of the Hall door, Csesar, with his stories of 
 giiosts, goblins, and witches, would put us all in 
 a panic, and people every lane, and church-yard, 
 and solitary wood, with imaginary beings. In 
 process of time, he became the constant attend- 
 ant and Man Friday of Cousin Pindar, whenever 
 he went a sparking among the rosy country girls 
 of ihe neighboring farms ; and brought up his rear 
 at every rustic dance, when he would mingle in 
 the sable group that always thronged the door of 
 merriment ; and it was enough to put to the rout 
 a host of splenetic imps to see his mouth gradu- 
 ally dilate from ear to ear, with pride and exulta- 
 tion, at seeing how neatly Master Pindar footed it 
 over the floor. Caesar was likewise the chosen con- 
 fidant and special agent of Pindar in all his love 
 affairs, until, as his evil stars would have it, on 
 being intrusted with the delivery of a poetic 
 billet-doux to one of his patron's sweethearts, he 
 took an unlucky notion to send it to his own sable 
 dulcinea, who, not being able to read it, took it to 
 her mistress ; and so the whole affair was blown. 
 Pindar was universally roasted, and Cffisar dis- 
 charged forever from his confidence. 
 
 " Poor Ccesar ! — he has now grown old, like 
 his young masters, but he still remembers old 
 times ; and will, now and then, remind me of 
 them as he lights me to my room, and lingers a 
 little while to bid me a good-night. Believe me, 
 my dear Evergreen, the honest, simple old crea- 
 ture has a warm corner in my heart ; I don't 
 see, for my part, why a body may not like a negro 
 as well a>i a white man ! " 
 
THE STABLE. 347 
 
 By the time these biograpliical anecdotes were 
 ended we had reached the stable, into which we 
 had involuntarily strolled, and found Ca3sar busily 
 employed in rubbing down the horses ; an office 
 he would not intrust to anybody else, having con- 
 tracted an affection for eveiy beast in the stable, 
 from their beingr descendants of the old race of 
 animals, his youthful contemporaries. Cassar was 
 very particular in giving us their pedigrees, to- 
 gether with a panegyric on the swiftness, bottom, 
 blood, and spirit of their sires. From these he 
 digressed into a variety of anecdotes in which 
 Launcelot bore a conspicuous part, and on which 
 the old negro dwelt with all the garrulity of age. 
 Honest Langstaff stood leaiiing with his arm over 
 the back of his favorite steed, old Killdeer ; and 
 I could perceive he listened to Ciiesar's simple 
 details with that fond attention with which a 
 feeling mind will hang over narratives of boyish 
 days. His eye sparkled with animation, a glow 
 of youthful fire stole across his pale visage ; he 
 nodded with smiling approbation at every sen- 
 tence ; chuckled at every exploit ; lauglied heartily 
 at the story of his once having smoked out a 
 country singing-school with brimstone and assa- 
 fcEtida ; and slipping a piece of money into old 
 Caesar's hand to buy himself a new tobacco-box, 
 he seized me by the arm and hurried out of the 
 stable, brimful of good nature. '' 'Tis a pestilent 
 old rogue for talking, my dear fellow," cried he, 
 "but you must not find fault with him — the 
 creature means well." I knew, at the very mo- 
 ment that he made this apology, honest Caesar 
 
348 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 could not have given him half the satisfaction, had 
 he talked like a Cicero or a Solomon. 
 
 Launcelot returned to the house with me/in the 
 best possible humor — the whole family, who in 
 truth love and honor him from their very souls, 
 were delighted to see the sunbeams once more 
 play in his countenance. Every one seemed to 
 vie who should talk tlie most, tell the longest 
 stories, and be most agreeable ; and Will Wizard, 
 who had accompanied me in my visit, declared, 
 as he lighted his cigar — which had gone out 
 forty times in the course of one of his oriental 
 tales — that he had not passed so pleasant an 
 evening since the birthnight ball of the beauteous 
 empress of Hayti. 
 
 [The following essay was written by my 
 friend LangstaiF, in one of the paroxysms of hia 
 splenetic complaint ; and, for aught I know, may 
 have been effectual in restoring him to good 
 humor. A mental discharge of the kind has a 
 remarkable tendency toward sweetening the tem- 
 per — and Launcelot is, at this moment, one of 
 the best-natured men in existence. 
 
 A. EVERGREEN.J 
 
GREATNESS, 349 
 
 ON GREATNESS. 
 
 BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 
 
 WE have more than once, in the course of 
 our work, been most jocosely familiar with 
 great personages ; and, in truth, treated them 
 witli as little ceremony, respect, and consideration, 
 as if they had been our most particular friends. 
 Now, we would not suffer the mortification of 
 having our readers even suspect us of any inti- 
 macy of the kind ; assuring them we are ex- 
 tremely choice in our intimates and uncommonly 
 circumspect in avoiding connections with all 
 doubtful characters ; particularly pimps, bailiffs, 
 lottery-brokers, chevaliers of iudustry, and great 
 men. The world, in general, is pretty well 
 aware of what is to be understood by the former 
 classes of delinquents ; but as the latter has 
 never, I believe, been specifically defined, and as 
 we are determined to instruct our readers to the 
 extent of our abilities, and tiieir limited compre- 
 hension, it may not be amiss here to let them 
 know what we understand by a great man. 
 
 First, therefore, let us — editors and kings are 
 always plural — premise, that there are two kinds 
 of greatness : one conferred by heaven — the 
 exalted nobility of the soul — the other, a spuri- 
 ous distinction, engendered by the mob and 
 lavished upon its favorites. The former of these 
 distinctions we have already contemplated with 
 reverence ; the latter, we will take this opportu- 
 nity to strip naked before our unenlightened 
 
350 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 readers ; so that, if by chance any of them are 
 held in ignominious thralldora by this base circuhi- 
 tion of false coin, they may forthwith emancipate 
 themselves from such inglorious delusion. 
 
 It is a fictitious value given to individuals by 
 public caprice, as bankers give an impi-ession to a 
 worthless slip of paper; thereby gaining it a 
 currency for infinitely more than its intrinsic 
 value. Every nation has its peculiar coin, and 
 peculiar great men ; neither of which will, for the 
 most part, pass current out of the country where 
 they are stamped. Your true mob-created great 
 man, is like a note of one of the little New Eng- 
 land banks, and his value depreciates in pro- 
 portion to the distance from home. In England, 
 a great man is he who has most ribbons and 
 gewgaws on his coat, most liorses to his carriage, 
 most slaves in his retinue, or most toad-eaters at 
 his table ; in France, he who can most dextrously 
 flourish his heels above his head — Duport is 
 most incontestably the greatest man in France ! — 
 when the Emperor is absent. The greatest man 
 in China, is he who can trace his ancestry up to 
 the moon ; and in this country, our great men 
 may generally hunt down their pedigree until it 
 burrow in the dirt like a rabbit. To be concise : 
 our great men are those who are most expert at 
 crawling on all foui's, and have the happiest fa- 
 cility of dragging and winding themselves along 
 in the dirt. This may seem a paradox to many 
 of my readers, who, with great good nature be it 
 hinted, are too stupid to look beyond the mere 
 surface of our invaluable writings ; and often pass 
 
A GREAT MAN. 351 
 
 over the knowing allusions, and poio^nant mean- 
 ing, that is slily couching beneath. It is for the 
 benefit of such helpless ignorants, who have no 
 other creed ^ but the opinion of the mob, that I 
 shall trace, as far as it is possible to follow him in 
 his progress from insignificance — the rise, pro- 
 gress, and completion of a little great man. 
 
 In a logocracy, to use the sage Mustapha's 
 phrase, it is not absolutely necessary to the forma- 
 tion of a great man that he should be either wise 
 or valiant, upright or honorable. On the con- 
 trary, daily experience shows, that these qualities 
 rather impede his preferment; inasmuch as they 
 are prone to render him too inflexibly erect, and 
 directly at variance with that willow suppleness 
 which enables a man to wind and twist through 
 all the nooks and turns and dark winding passages 
 that lead to greatness. The grand requisite for 
 climbing the rugged hill of popularity — the 
 summit of which is the seat of power — is to be 
 useful. And here, once more, tor the sake of 
 our readers, wiio are, of course, not so wise as 
 ourselves, I must explain what we understand by 
 usefulness. The horse, in his native state, is 
 wild, swift, impetuous, full of majesty, and of a 
 most generous spirit. It is then the animal is 
 noble, exalted, and useless. But entrap him, 
 manacle him, cudgel him, break down his lofty 
 spirit, put the curb into his mouth, the load upon 
 his back, and reduce him into servile obedience 
 to the bridle and the lash, and it is then he 
 becomes useful. Your jackass is one of the most 
 useful animals in existence. If my readers do 
 
352 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 not now understand what I mean by usefulness. 
 I give them all up for most absolute nincoms. 
 
 To rise in this country a man must first 
 descend. The aspiring politician may be com- 
 pared to that indefatigable insect, called the 
 tumbler, pronounced by a distinguished personage 
 to be the only industrious animal in Virginia, 
 which buries itself in filth, and works ignobly 
 in the dirt, until it forms a little ball, which it 
 rolls laboriously along, like Diogenes in his tub ; 
 sometimes head, sometimes tail foremost, pilfering 
 from every rut and mud hole, and increasing its 
 ball of greatness by the contributions of the 
 kennel. Just so the candidate for greatness ; — 
 he buries himself in the mob ; labors in dirt and 
 oblivion, and makes unto himself the rudiments 
 of a popular name from the admiration and 
 praises of rogues, ignoramnises, and blackguards. 
 His name once started, onward he goes, struggling 
 and puffing, and pushing it before him ; collecting 
 new tribute from the dregs and offals of society 
 as he proceeds, until having gathered together a 
 mighty mass of popularity, he mounts it in 
 triumph ; is hoisted into oiSice, and becomes a 
 great man, and a ruler in the land. All this will 
 be clearly illustrated by a sketch of a worthy of 
 the kind, who sprung up under my eye, and was 
 hatched from the dirt by the broad rays of 
 popularity, which, like the sun, can " breed mag- 
 gots in a dead dog." 
 
 Timothy Dabble was a young man of very 
 promising talents ; for he wrote a fair hand, and 
 had thrice won the silver medal at a country 
 
TIMOTHY DABBLE. 353 
 
 academy ; he was also an orator, for he talked 
 with emphatic volubility, and could argue a full 
 hour, without taking either side, or advancing a 
 single opinion ; he had still further requisites for 
 eloquence, for he made very handsome gestures, 
 had dimples in his cheeks when he smiled, and 
 enunciated most harmoniously through his nose. 
 In short, nature had certainly marked him out 
 for a great man ; for though he was not tall, yet 
 he added at least half an inch to his stature by 
 elevating his head, and assumed an amazing ex- 
 pression of dignity by turning up his nose and 
 curling his nostrils, in a style of conscious supe- 
 riority. Convinced by these unequivocal appear- 
 ances, Babble's friends, in full caucus, one and 
 all, declared that he was undoubtedly born to be 
 a great man, and it would be his own fault if he 
 were not one. Dabble was tickled with an 
 opinion which coincided so happily with his own — 
 for vanity, in a contidentiul whisper, had given 
 him the like intimation — and he reverenced the 
 judgment of his friends because they thought so 
 highly of himself. Accordingly he set out with 
 a determination to become a great man, and to 
 start in the scrub-race for honor and renown. 
 How to attain the desired prize was however, the 
 question. He knew, by a kind of instinctive 
 feeling, which seems peculiar to groveling minds, 
 that honor, and its better part — profit, would 
 never seek him out ; that they would never knock 
 at his door and crave admittance, but must be 
 courted, and toiled after, and earned. He there- 
 fore strutted forth into the highways, and market- 
 23 
 
354 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 places, and the assemblies of the people ; ranted, 
 like a true cockerel orator, about virtue, and 
 patriotism, and liberty, and equality, and himself. 
 Full many a political windmill did he battle 
 with ; and full many a time did he talk himself 
 out of breath and his hearers out of patience. 
 But Dabble found, to his vast astonishment, that 
 there was not a notorious political pimp at a ward 
 meeting but could out-talk him ; and what was 
 still more mortifying, there was not a notorious 
 political pimp but was more noticed and caressed 
 than himself. The reason was simple enough ; 
 while he harangued about principles, the others 
 ranted about men ; where he reprobated a politi- 
 cal error, they blasted a political character. 
 They were, consequently, the most useful ; for 
 the great object of our political disputes is not 
 who shall have the honor of emancipating the 
 community from the leading-strings of delusion, 
 but who shall have the profit of holding the 
 strings and leading the community by the nose. 
 Dabble was likewise very loud in his profes- 
 sions of integrity, incorruptibility, and disinterest- 
 edness ; words which, from being filtered and 
 refined through newspapers and election hand- 
 bills, have lost their original signification, and in 
 the political dictionary are synonymous with 
 empty pockets, itching palms, and interested am- 
 bition. He, in addition to all this, declared that 
 he would support none but honest men ; but un- 
 luckily, as but few of these offered themselves to 
 be supported, Dabble's services were seldom re- 
 quired. He pledged himself never to engage iu 
 
POLITICAL APPRENTICESHIP. 355 
 
 party schemes, or party politics, but to stand up 
 solely for the broad interests of his country — so 
 he stood alone ; and what is the same thing, he 
 stood still ; for, in this country, he who does not 
 side with either party is like a body in a vacuum 
 between two planets, and must forever remain 
 motionless. 
 
 Dabble was immeasurably surprised that a 
 man so honest, so disinterested, and so sagacious 
 withal, and one, too, who had the good of his 
 country so much at heart, should thus remain 
 unnoticed and unapplauded. A little worldly 
 advice, whispered in his ear by a shrewd old 
 politician, at once explained the whole mystery. 
 " He who would become great," said he, " must 
 serve an apprenticeship to greatness, and rise by 
 regular gradation, like the master of a vessel, 
 who commences by being scrub and cabin-boy. 
 He must fag in the train of great men, echo all 
 their sentiments, become their toad-eater and 
 parasite — laugh at all their jokes, and, above all, 
 endeavor to make them laugh ; if you only make 
 a great man laugh now and then, your fortune is 
 made. Look about you, youngster, and you will 
 not see a single little great man of the day, but 
 his herd of retainers, who yelp at his heels, come 
 at his whistle, worry whoever he points at, and 
 think themselves fully rewarded by sometimes 
 snapping up a crumb that falls from his table. 
 Talk of patriotism, and virtue, and incorruptibil- 
 ity ! — tut, man ! they are the very qualities that 
 scare munificence, and keep patronage at a dis- 
 tance. You might as well attempt to entice 
 
356 SALMAGUNDI 
 
 crowds with red rags and gunpowder. Lay all 
 these scarecrow virtues aside, and let this be your 
 maxim, that a candidate for political eminence is 
 like a dried herring ; he never becomes luminous 
 until he is corrupt." 
 
 Dabble caught with hungry avidity these con- 
 genial doctrines, and turned into his predestined 
 channel of action with the force and rapidity of 
 a stream wliich has for a Avhile been restrained 
 from its natural course. He became what nature 
 had fitted hitn to be : his tone softened down 
 from arrogant self-sufficiency to the whine of 
 fawning solicitation. He mingled in the caucuses 
 of the sovereign people ; assumed a patriotic 
 slovenliness of dress ; argued most logically with 
 those who were of his own opinion ; and slan- 
 dered, with all the malice of impotence, exalted 
 characters whose orbit he despaired ever to ap- 
 proach — just as that scoundrel midnight thief, 
 the owl, hoots at the blessed light of the sun, 
 whose glorious lustre he dares never contemplate. 
 He likewise applied himself to discharging, faith- 
 fully, the honorable duties of a partisan ; he 
 poached about for private slanders and ribald 
 anecdotes ; he folded handbills ; he even wrote 
 one or two himself, which he carried about in his 
 pocket and read to everybody ; he became secre- 
 tary at ward meetings, set his hand to divers 
 resolutions of patriotic import, and even once 
 went so far as to make a speech, in which he 
 proved that patriotism was a virtue — that the 
 reigning bashaw was a great man — that this 
 was a free country, and he himself an arrant and 
 incontestible buzzard ! 
 
PATRIOTISM AND PORTER. 357 
 
 Dabble was now very frequent and devout in 
 his visits to tliose temples of politics, popularity, 
 and smoke — the ward porter-houses ; those true 
 dens of equality, where all ranks, ages, and tal- 
 ents are brought down to the level of rude famil- 
 iarity. 'Twas here his talents expanded, and his 
 genius swelled up to its proper size — like the 
 toad, which, shrinking from balmy airs and jocund 
 sunshine, finds his congenial home in caves and 
 dungeons, and there nourishes his veuom and 
 bloats his deformity. 'Twas here lie reveled with 
 the swinish multitude in their debauches on patri- 
 otism and porter ; and it became an even chance 
 whether Dabble would turn out a great man or a 
 great drunkard. But Dabble in all this kept 
 steadily in his eye the only deity he ever wor- 
 shipped — his interest. Having, by this familiar- 
 ity, ingratiated himself with the mob, he became 
 wonderfully potent and industrious at elections — 
 knew all the dens and cellars of profligacy and 
 intemperance — brought more negroes to the polls, 
 and knew to a greater certainty where votes could 
 be bought for beer, than any of his contempora- 
 ries. His exertions in the cause, his persevering 
 industry, his degrading compliance, his unresist- 
 ing humility, his steadfast dependence, at length 
 caught the attention of one of the leaders of the 
 party, who was pleased to observe that Dabble 
 was a very useful fellow, who would go all 
 lengths. F'rora that moment his fortune was 
 made — he was hand and glove with orators and 
 slang-whangers ; basked in the sunshine of great 
 men's smiles, and had the honor, sundry times, of 
 
358 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 shaking hands with dignitaries during elections, 
 and drinking out of the same pot with them at a 
 porter-house ! ! 
 
 I will not fatigue myself with tracing this 
 caterpillar in his slimy progress from worm to 
 butterfly : suffice it that Dabble bowed and 
 bowed, and fawned, and sneaked, and smirked, 
 and libeled, until one would have thought perse- 
 verance itself would have settled down into de- 
 spair. There was no knowing how long he 
 might have lingered at a distance from his hopes, 
 had he not luckily got tarred and feathered for 
 some electioneering maneuver. This was the 
 making of him ! Let not my readers stare ; tar- 
 ring and feathering here is equal to pillory and 
 cropped ears in England ; and either of these 
 kinds of martyrdom will insure a patriot the 
 sympathy and support of iiis faction. His parti- 
 sans — for even he had his partisans — took his 
 case into consideration. He had been kicked, 
 and cuffed, and disgraced, and dishonored in the 
 cause ; he had licked the dust at the feet of the 
 mob ; he was a faithful drudge, slow to anger, of 
 invincible patience, of incessant assiduity ; a 
 thorough-going tool, who could be curbed, and 
 spurred, and directed at pleasure — in short, he 
 had all the important qualifications for a little 
 great roan, and he was accordingly ushered into 
 office amid the acclamations of the party. The 
 leading men complimented his usefulness, the 
 multitude his republican simplicity, and the 
 slang-whangers vouched for his patriotism. Since 
 his elevation, he has discovered indubitable signs 
 
DABBLE A GREAT MAN, 
 
 359 
 
 of having been destined for a great man. His 
 nose has acquired an additional elevation of sev- 
 eral degrees, so that now he appears to have 
 bidden adieu to this world, and to have set his 
 thoughts altogether on things above ; and he has 
 swelled and inflated himself to such a degree 
 that his friends are under apprehensions that he 
 will, one day or other, explode and blow up like 
 a torpedo. 
 
NO. XVL— THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 
 
 1807. 
 
 STYLE, AT BALLSTON. 
 
 BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 
 
 OTWITHSTANDTNG Evergreen has 
 never been abroad, nor had his under- 
 standing enlightened, or his views en- 
 larged by that marvelous sharpener of the wits, 
 a salt water voyage, yet he is tolerably shrewd 
 and correct, in the limited sphere of his observa- 
 tions ; and now and then astounds me with a 
 right pithy remark, which would do no discredit 
 even to a man who had made the grand tour. 
 
 In several late conversations at Cockloft Hall, 
 he has amused us exceedingly by detailing sundry- 
 particulars concerning that notorious slaughter- 
 house of time, Ballston Springs, where he spent 
 a considerable part of the last summer. The 
 following is a summary of his observations. 
 
 Pleasure has passed through a variety of sig- 
 nifications at Ballston. It originally meant noth- 
 ing more than a relief from pain and sickness ; 
 and the patient who had journeyed many a weary 
 mile to the Springs, with a heavy heart and 
 emaciated form, called it pleasure when he threw 
 
BALLS TON. 361 
 
 by his crutches, and danced away from them with 
 renovated spirits, and limbs jocund with vigor 
 In process of time, pleasure underwent a refine- 
 ment, and appeared in the likeness of a sober, 
 unceremonious country dance, to the flute of an 
 amateur or the three-stringed fiddle of an itiner- 
 ant country musician. Still everything bespoke 
 that happy holiday which the spirits ever enjoy, 
 when emancipated from the shackles of formality, 
 ceremony, and modern politeness ; things went 
 on cheerily, and Ballston was pronounced a 
 charming, humdrum, careless place of resort, 
 where every one was at his ease, and might fol- 
 low unmolested the bent of his humor — provided 
 his wife was not there ; when, lo ! all on a sud- 
 den, Style made its baneful appearance in the 
 semblance of a gig and tandem, a pair of leather 
 breeches, a liveried footman, and a cockney ! 
 Since that fatal era pleasure has taken an entire 
 new signification, and at present means nothing 
 
 but STYLE. 
 
 The worthy, fashionable, dashing, good-for- 
 nothing people of every state, who had rather 
 suffer the martyrdom of a crowd than endure the 
 monotony of their own homes, and the stupid 
 company of t*heir own thoughts, flock to the 
 Springs; not to enjoy the pleasures of society, or 
 benefit by the qualities of the waters, but to ex- 
 hibit their equipages and wardrobes, and to excite 
 the admiration, or, what is much more satisfac- 
 tory, the envy of their fashionable competitors. 
 This, of course, awakens a spirit of noble emula- 
 tion between the eastern, middle, and southern 
 
362 SALMAGUNDI 
 
 States ; and every lady hereupon finding herself 
 charged in a manner with the whole weight of 
 her country's dignity and style, dresses and dashes, 
 and sparkles, without mercy, at her competitors 
 from other parts of the Union. This kind of 
 rivalship naturally requires a vast deal of prepa- 
 ration and prodigious quantities of supplies. A 
 sober citizen's wife will break half a dozen milli- 
 ners' shops, and sometimes starve her family a 
 whole season, to enable herself to make the Springs 
 campaign in style. She repairs to the seat of 
 war with a mighty force of trunks and band- 
 boxes, like so many ammunition chests, filled 
 with caps, hats, gowns, ribbons, shawls, and all 
 the various artillery of fashionable warfare. The 
 lady of a Southern planter will lay out the whole 
 annual produce of a rice plantation in silver and 
 gold muslins, lace veils, and new liveries ; carry 
 a hogshead of tobacco on her head, and trail a 
 bale of sea-island cotton at her heels ; while a 
 lady of Boston or Salem will wrap herself up in 
 the net proceeds of a cargo of whale oil, and tie 
 on her hat with a quintal of codfish. 
 
 The planters' ladies, however, have generally 
 the advantage in this contest ; for, as it is an 
 incontestable fact, that whoever comes from the 
 West or East Indies, or Georgia, or the Caro- 
 linas, or in fact any warm climate, is immensely 
 rich, it cannot be expected that a simple cit of 
 the North can cope with them in style. The 
 planter, therefore, who drives four horses abroad, 
 and a thousand nesfroes at home, and who flour- 
 ishes up to the Springs, followed by half a score 
 
A SEASON AT THE SPRINGS. 363 
 
 of black-a-raoors, in gorgeous liveries, is unques- 
 tionably superior to the northern merchant, who 
 plods on in a carriage and pair ; which, being 
 nothing more than is quite necessary, has no claim 
 whatever to style. He, however, has his conso- 
 lation in feeling superior to thejjionest cit, who 
 dashes about in a simple gig ; he, in return, sneers 
 at the country squire, who jogs along with his 
 scrubby, long-eared pony and saddlebags ; and 
 the squire, by way of taking satisfaction, would 
 make no scruple to run over the unobtrusive pe- 
 destrian, were it not that the last, being the most 
 independent of the whole, might chance to break 
 his head by way of retort. 
 
 The great misfortune is, that this style is sup- 
 ported at such an expense as sometimes to en- 
 croach on the rights and privileges of the pocket ; 
 and occasions very awkward embarrassments to 
 the tyro of fashion. Among a number of in- 
 stances, Evergreen mentions the fate of a dashing 
 blade from the South, wiio made his entree with 
 a tandem and two outriders, by the aid of which 
 he attracted the attention of all the ladies, and 
 caused a coolness between several young couples 
 who, it was thought before his arrival, had a con- 
 siderable kindness for each other. In the course 
 of a fortnight his tandem disappeared ! — the 
 class of good folk who seem to have nothing to 
 do in this world but pry into other people's affairs, 
 began to stare. In a little time longer an out- 
 rider was missing ! — this increased the alarm, 
 and it was consequently whispered that he had 
 eaten the horses and drank the negro. N. B. 
 
364 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 Southern gentlemen are very apt to do this on 
 an emergency. Serious apprehensions were en- 
 tertained about the fate of the remaining servant, 
 which were soon verified by his actually vanish- 
 ing ; and in " one little month " the dashing Caro- 
 linian modes tlj|» took his departure in the stage- 
 coacli ! — universally regretted by the friends who 
 had generously released him from his cumbrous 
 load of style. 
 
 Evergreen, in the course of his detail, gave 
 very melancholy accounts of an alarming famine 
 which raged with great violence at the Springs. 
 Whether this was owing to the incredible ap- 
 petites of the company, or the scarcity which 
 prevailed at the inns, he did not seem inclined 
 to say; but he declares, that he was for sev- 
 eral days in imminent danger of starvation, owing 
 to his being a little too dilatory in his attend- 
 ance at the dinner-table. He relates a number 
 of '' moving accidents," which befell many of the 
 polite company in their zeal to get a good seat at 
 dinner; on which occasion a kind of scrub-race 
 always took place, wherein a vast deal of jockey- 
 ing and unfair play was shown, and a variety of 
 squabbles and unseemly altercations occurred. 
 But when arrived at the scene of action, it was 
 truly an awful sight to behold the confusion, and 
 to hear the tumultuous uproar of voices crying 
 some for one thing, and some for another, to the 
 tuneful accompaniment of knives and forks, rat- 
 tling with all the energy of hungry impatience. 
 The feast of the Centaurs and the Lapithge was 
 nothing when compared with a dinner at the great 
 
DINNER FEATS. 365 
 
 house. At one time, an old gentleman, whose 
 natural irascibility was a little sharpened by the 
 gout, had scalded his throat, by gobbling down a 
 bowl ot' hot soup in a vast hurry, in order to se- 
 cure the first fruits of a roasted partridge before 
 it was snapped up by some hungry rival ; when 
 just, as he was whetting his knife and fork, pre- 
 paratory for a descent on the promised land, he 
 had the mortification to see it transferred, bodily, 
 to the phite of a squeamish little damsel who was 
 taking the waters for debility and loss of appe- 
 tite. This was too much for the patience of old 
 Crusty ; he lodged his fork into the partridge, 
 whipt it into his dish, and cutting oflp a wing of 
 it, — '' There, Miss, there's more than you can 
 eat. Oons ! what should sucli a little chalky- 
 faced puppet as you do with a whole partridge ! " 
 At another time a mighty sweet disposed old dow- 
 ager, who loomed most magnificently at the table, 
 had a sauce-boat launched upon the capacious lap 
 of a silver sprigged muslin gown, by the maneu- 
 vering of a little politic Frenchman, who was 
 dextrously attempting to make a lodgment under 
 the covered way of a chicken-pie ; human nature 
 could not bear it! — the lady bounced round, and, 
 with one box on the ear, drove the luckless wight 
 to utter annihilation. 
 
 But these little cross accidents are amply com- 
 pensated by the great variety of amusements 
 which abounds at this charming resort of beauty 
 and fashion. In the morning the company, each 
 like a jolly Bacchanalian, with glass in hand, sally 
 forth to the Springs : where the gentlemen, who 
 
366 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 wish to make themselves agreeable, have an op- 
 portunitj of dipping themselves into the good 
 opinion of the ladies ; and it is truly delectable to 
 see with what grace and adroitness they perform 
 this ingratiating feat. Anthony says that it is pe- 
 culiarly amazing to behold the quantity of water 
 the ladies drink on this occasion, lor the purpose 
 of getting an appetite for breakfast. He assures 
 me he lias been present when a young lady, of 
 unparalleled delicacy, tossed off, in the space of a 
 minute or two, one-and-twenty tumblers and a 
 wine-glass full. On my asking Anthony whether 
 the solicitude of the bystanders was not greatly 
 awakened as to what might be the effects of this 
 debauch, he replied, that the ladies at Ballston 
 had become such great sticklers for the doctrine 
 of evaporation, that no gentleman ever ventured 
 to remonstrate against this excessive drinking for 
 fear of bringing his philosophy into contempt. 
 The most notorious water-drinkers, in particular, 
 were continually holding forth on the surprising 
 aptitude with which the Ballston waters evapora- 
 ted ; and several gentlemen, who had the hardi- 
 hood to question this female philosophy, were held 
 in high displeasure. 
 
 After breakfast, every one chooses his amuse- 
 ment ; some take a ride into the pine woods, and 
 enjoy the varied and romantic scenery of burnt 
 trees, post and rail fences, pine flats, potato 
 patches, and log huts ; others scramble up the sur- 
 rounding sandhills, that look like the abodes of 
 a gigantic race of ants ; — take a peep at other 
 sand-hills beyond them ; — and then — come down 
 
PLEASURES AT THE SPRINGS. 367 
 
 again. Others who are romantic, — and sundry 
 young ladies insist upon being so whenever they 
 visit the Springs, or go anywhere into the country, 
 — stroll along the borders of a little swampy brooli 
 that dra^s itself alon<? like an Alexandrine, and 
 that so lazily as not to make a single murmur, 
 watching tlie Httle tadpoles as they frolic, right 
 flippantly, in the muddy stream, and listening to 
 tlie inspiring melody of the harmonious frogs that 
 croak upon its borders. Some play at billiards, 
 some play at the fiddle, and some — play the fool ; 
 — the latter being the most prevalent amusement 
 at Ballston. 
 
 These, together with abundance of dancing, 
 and a prodigious deal of sleeping of afternoons, 
 make up the variety of pleasures at the Springs — 
 a delicious life of alternate lassitude and fatigue ; 
 of laborious dissipation, and listless idleness ; of 
 sleepless nights, and days spent in that dozing in- 
 sensibility which ever succeeds them. Now and 
 then, indeed, the influenza, the fever-and-ague, or 
 some such pale-faced intruder, may happen to 
 throvv a momentary damp on the general felicity ; 
 but on the whole, Evergreen declares that Ball- 
 ston wants only six things, to wit: good air, good 
 wine, good living, good beds, good company, and 
 good humor, to be the most enchanting place in 
 the world — excepting Botany Bay, Musquito 
 Cove, Dismal Swamp, and the black-hole at 
 Calcutta. 
 
368 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 [The following letter from the sage Mustapha 
 has cost us more trouble to decipher, and render 
 into tolerable English, than any hitherto published. 
 It was full of blots and erasures, particularly the 
 latter part, which we have no doubt was penned 
 in a moment of great wrath and indignation. 
 Mustapha has often a rambling mode of writing, 
 and his thoughts take such unaccountable turns, 
 that it is difficult to tell one moment where he 
 will lead you the next. This is particularly ob- 
 vious in the commencement of his letters, which 
 seldom bear much analogy to the subsequent 
 parts ; he sets off with a flourish, like a dramatic 
 hero — assumes an air of great pomposity, and 
 struts up to his subject mounted most loftily on 
 stilts. L. Langstaff.] 
 
 LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI 
 
 KHAN, 
 
 rO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS HIGH- 
 NESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 
 
 AMONG the variety of principles by which 
 mankind are actuated, there is one, my 
 dear Asem, which I scarcely know whether to 
 consider as springing from grandeur and nobility 
 of mind, or from a refined species of vanity and 
 egotism. It is that singular, although almost 
 universal desire of living in the memory of pos- 
 terity ; of occupying a share of the world's 
 attention, when we shall long since have ceased 
 to be susceptible either of its praise or censure. 
 
MUTABILITY. 369 
 
 Most of the passions of the mind are bounded by 
 
 the grave ; sometimes, indeed, an anxious hope or 
 
 trembling fear will venture beyond the clouds and 
 
 darkness that rest upon our mortal horizon, and 
 
 expatiate in boundless futurity ; but it is only this 
 
 active love of fame which steadily contemplates 
 
 its fruition, in the applause or gratitude of future 
 
 ages. Indio-nant at the narrow limits which cir- 
 
 cumscribe existence, ambition is forever struggling 
 
 to soar beyond them ; to triumph over space and 
 
 time, and to bear a name, at least, above the 
 
 irritable oblivion in which everything else that 
 
 concerns us must be involved. It is this, my 
 
 friend, which prompts the patriot to his most 
 
 heroic achievements ; which inspires the sublimest 
 
 strains of the poet, and breathes ethereal fire into 
 
 the productions of the painter and the statuary. 
 
 For this the monarch rears the lofty column ; 
 
 the laureled conqueror claims the triumphal arch ; 
 
 while the obscure individual, who moved in a 
 
 humbler sphere, asks but a plain and simple stone 
 
 to mark his grave, and bear to the next generation 
 
 this important truth, that he was born, died — 
 
 and was buried. It .was this passion which once 
 
 erected the vast Numidian piles, whose ruins we 
 
 have so often regarded with wonder, as the shades 
 
 of evening — fit emblems of oblivion — gradually 
 
 stole over and enveloped them in darkness. It 
 
 was this which gave being to those sublime 
 
 monuments of Saracen magnificence, which nod 
 
 in mouldering desolation, as the blast sweeps over 
 
 our deserted plains. — How futile are all our 
 
 eflForts to evade the obliterating hand of time I 
 24 
 
370 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 As I traversed the dreary wastes of Egypt, on 
 my journey to Grand Cairo, I stopped my camel 
 for a while and contemplated, in awful admiration, 
 the stupendous pyramids. An appalling silence 
 prevailed around ; such as reigns in the wilderness 
 when the tempest is hushed, and the beasts of 
 prey have retired to their dens. The myriads 
 that had once been employed in rearing these 
 lofty mementoes of human vanity, whose busy 
 hum once enlivened the solitude of the desert — 
 had all been swept from the earth by the irresist- 
 ible arm of death — all were mingled with their 
 native dust ; all were forgotten ! Even the 
 mighty names which these sepulchres were de- 
 signed to perpetuate had long since faded from 
 remembrance ; history and tradition afforded but 
 vague conjectures, and the pyramids imparted a 
 humiliating lesson to the candidate for immortality. 
 — Alas! alas! said 1 to myself, how mutable are 
 the foundations on which our proudest hopes of 
 future fame are reposed ! He who imagines he 
 has secured to himself the meed of deathless 
 renown, indulges in deluding visions, which only 
 bespeak the vanity of the dreamer. The storied 
 obelisk — the triumphal arch — the swelling dome, 
 shall crumble into dust, and the names they would 
 preserve from oblivion shall often pass away, be- 
 fore their own duration is accomplished. 
 
 Yet this passion for fame, however ridiculous 
 in the eye of the philosopher, deserves respect and 
 consideration, from having been the source of so 
 many illustrious actions ; and, hence it has beeu 
 the practice in all enlightened governments to 
 
NATIONAL MONUMENTS. 371 
 
 perpetuate by monuments, the memory of great 
 men, as a testimony of respect for the illustrious 
 dead, and to awaken in the bosoms of posterity 
 an emulation to merit the same honorable dis- 
 tinction. The people of the American logocracy, 
 who pride themselves upon improving on every 
 precept or example of ancient or modern govern- 
 ments, have discovered a new mode of exciting 
 this love of glory ; a mode by which they do 
 honor to their great men, even in their life-time ! 
 Thou must have observed by this time, that 
 they manage everything in a manner peculiar to 
 themselves ; and doubtless in the best possible 
 manner, seeing they have denominated themselves 
 " the most enliglitened people under the sun." 
 Thou wilt, therefore, perhaps, be curious to know 
 how they contrive to honor the name of a living 
 patriot, and what unheard-of monument they 
 erect in memory of his achievements. By the 
 fiery beard of the mighty Barbarossa, but I can 
 scarcely preserve tiie sobriety of a true disciple 
 of Mahomet while I tell thee ! — wilt thou not 
 smile, O, Massulman of invincible gravity, to 
 learn that they honor their great men by eating, 
 and that the only trophy erected to their exploits, 
 is a public dinner ! But, trust me, Asem, even 
 in this measure, whimsical as it may seem, the 
 philosophic and considerate spirit of this people 
 is admirably displayed. Wisely concluding that 
 when the hero is dead, he becomes insensible to 
 the voice of fame, the song of adulation, or the 
 splendid trophy, they have determined that he 
 shall enjoy his quantum of celebrity while living, 
 
372 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 and revel in the full enjoyment of a nine days' 
 immortality. The barbarous nations of antiquity 
 immolated human victims to the memory of their 
 lamented dead, but the enlightened Americans 
 offer up whole hecatombs of geese and calves, 
 and oceans of wine, in honor of the illustrious 
 living ; and the patriot has the felicity of hearing 
 from every quarter, the vast exploits in gluttony 
 and reveling that have been celebrated to the 
 glory of his name. 
 
 No sooner does a citizen signalize himself in a 
 conspicuous manner in the service of his coun- 
 try, than all the gormandizers assemble and dis- 
 charge the national debt of gratitude, by giving 
 him a diimer ; not that he really receives all the 
 luxuries provided on this occasion ; no, my friend, 
 it is ten chances to one that the great man does 
 not taste a morsel from the table, and is, per- 
 haps, five hundred miles distant ; and, to let thee 
 into a melancholy fact, a patriot under this eco- 
 nomic government, may be often in want of a din- 
 ner, while dozens are devoui-ed in his praise. 
 Neither are these repasts spread out for the hun- 
 gry and necessitous, who might otherwise be 
 filled with food and gladness, and inspii-ed to 
 shout forth the illustrious name, which had been 
 the means of their enjoyment; far from this, 
 Asem ; it is the rich only who indulge in the ban- 
 quet ; those who pay for the dainties are alone 
 privileged to enjoy them ; so that, while opening 
 their purses in honor of the patriot, they at the 
 same time fulfill a great maxim, which in this 
 country comprehends all the rules of prudence, 
 
PUBLIC DINNERS. 373 
 
 and all the duties a man owes to himself—^ 
 namely, getting the worth of their money. 
 
 In process of time this mode of testifying pub« 
 lie applause has been found so marvelously 
 agreeable, that they extend it to events as well 
 as characters, and eat in triumph at the news of 
 a treaty — at the anniversary of any grand na- 
 tional era, or at the gaining of that splendid vic- 
 tory of the tongue an election. Nay, so far 
 
 do they carry it, that certain days are set apart 
 when the guzzlers, the gormandizers, and the 
 wine-bibbers meet together to celebrate a grand 
 indigestion, in memory of some great event ; and 
 every man, in the zeal of patriotism, gets de- 
 voutly drunk — " as the act directs." Then, my 
 friend, mayest thou behold the sublime spectacle 
 of love of country, elevating itself from a senti- 
 ment into an appetite, whetted to the quick with 
 the cheering prospect of tables loaded with the 
 fat things of the land. On this occasion every 
 man is anxious to fall to work, cram himself in 
 honor of the day, and risk a surfeit in the glo- 
 rious cause. Some, I have been told, actually 
 fast for four-and-twenty hours preceding, that 
 they may be enabled to do greater honor to the 
 feast ; and, certainly, if eating and drinking are 
 patriotic rites, he who eats and drinks most, and 
 proves himself the greatest glutton, is, undoubt- 
 edly, the most distinguished patriot. Such, at 
 any rate, seems to be the opinion here ; and they 
 act up to it so rigidly, that by the time it is dark, 
 every kennel in the neighborhood teems with il- 
 lustrious members of the sovereign people, wal- 
 
374 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 lowing: in their cono^enial element of mud and 
 mire. 
 
 These patriotic feasts, or rather national mon- 
 uments, ure patronized and promoted by certain 
 inferior cadis, called '' Aldermen ; " who are com- 
 monly complimented with their direction. These 
 dignitaries, as far as I can learn, are generally 
 appointed on account of their great talents for 
 eating, a qualification peculiarly necessary in the 
 discharge of their official duties. They hold fre- 
 quent meetings at taverns and hotels, where they 
 enter into solemn consultations for the benefit of 
 lobsters and turtles ; establish wholesome regu- 
 lations for the safety and preservation of fish and 
 wild-fowl ; appoint the seasons most proper for 
 eating oysters ; inquire into the economy of tav- 
 erns, the characters of publicans, and the abilities 
 of their cooks ; and discuss, most learnedly, the 
 merits of a bowl of soup, a chicken-pie, or a 
 haunch of venison ; in a word, the alderman has 
 absolute control in all matters of eating, and 
 superintends the whole police — of the belly. 
 Having, in the prosecution of their important 
 office, signalized themselves at so many public 
 festivals ; having gorged so often on patriotism 
 and pudding, and entombed so many great names 
 in their extensive maws, thou wilt easily con- 
 ceive that they wax portly apace, that they fatten 
 on the fame of mighty men, and that their ro- 
 tundity, like the rivers, the lakes, and the moun- 
 tains of their country, must be on a great scale ! 
 Even so, my friend ; and when I sometimes see 
 a portly alderman puffing along, and swelling a? 
 
TOASTS. 375 
 
 if he had the world under his waistcoat, I cannot 
 help looking upon him as a walking monument, 
 and am often ready to exclaim : " Tell me, thou 
 majestic mortal, thou breathing catacomb ! to 
 what illustrious character, what mighty event, 
 does that capacious carcass of thine bear testi- 
 mony r 
 
 But though the enlightened citizens of this log- 
 ocracy eat in honor of their friends, yet they 
 drink destruction to their enemies. Yea, Asera, 
 woe unto those who are doomed to undergo the 
 public vengeance at a public dinner. No sooner 
 are the viands removed, than they prepare for 
 merciless and exterminating hostilities. They 
 drink the intoxicating juice of the grape, out of 
 little glass cups, and over each draught pronounce 
 a short sentence or prayer ; not such a prayer as 
 thy virtuous heart would dictate, thy pious lips 
 give utterance to, my good Asem ; not a tribute 
 of thanks to all-bountiful Allah, nor a humble 
 supplication for his blessing on the draught ; no, 
 my friend, it is merely a toast, that is to say, a 
 fulsome tribute of flattery to their demagogues ; 
 a labored sally of affected sentiment or national 
 egotism ; or, what is more despicable, a maledic- 
 tion on their enemies, an empty threat of ven- 
 geance, or a petition for their destruction ; for 
 toasts, thou must know, are another kind of mis- 
 sive weapon in a logocracy, and are leveled from 
 afar, like the annoying arrows of the Tartars. 
 
 O, Asem ! couldst thou but witness one of 
 these patriotic, these monumental dinners; how 
 
376 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 furiously the flame of patriotism blazes forth ; 
 how suddenly they vanquish armies, subjugate 
 whole countries, and exterminate nations in a 
 bumper, thou wouldst more than ever admire the 
 force of that omnipotent weapon, the tongue. At 
 these moments every coward becomes a hero, every 
 ragamuffin an invincible warrior ; and the most 
 zealous votaries of peace and quiet, forget, for a 
 while, their cherished maxims, and join in the 
 furious attack. Toasts succeeds toast ; kings, 
 emperors, bashaws, are like chaff before the tem- 
 pest ; the inspired patriot vanquishes fleets with 
 a single gunboat, and swallows down navies at a 
 draught, until, overpowered with victory and 
 wine, he sinks upon the field of battle — dead 
 drunk in his country's cause. Sword of the 
 puissant Khalid ! what a display of valor is here ! 
 — the sons of Afric are hardy, brave, and en- 
 terprising, but they can achieve nothing like this. 
 Happy would it be if this mania for toasting 
 extended no further than to the expression of na- 
 tional resentment. Thouo:h we miorht smile at 
 tiie impotent vaporing and windy hyperbole, by 
 which it is distinguished, yet we would excuse it, 
 as the unguarded overflowings of a heart, glow- 
 ing with national injuries, and itidignant at the 
 insults offered to its country. But, alas, my 
 friend, private resentment, individual hatred, and 
 the illiberal spirit of party, are let loose on these 
 festive occasions. Even the names of individ- 
 uals, of unoffending fellow-citizens, are sometimes 
 dragged forth to undei-go the slanders and exe- 
 
VINDICTIVE FESTIVITIES. 377 
 
 cratious of a distempered herd of revelers. ^ 
 Head of Mahomet ! how vindictive, how insatia- 
 bly vindictive, must be that spirit which can 
 drug the mantling bowl with gall and bitterness, 
 and indulge an angry passion in the moment of 
 rejoicing ! " Wine," says their poet, '■ is like sun- 
 shine to the heart, which, under its generous in- 
 fluence, expands with good will, and becomes the 
 very temple of philanthrophy." Strange, that 
 in a temple consecrated to such a divinity, there 
 should remain a secret corner, polluted by the 
 lurkings of malice and revenge, — strange, that 
 in the full flow of social enjoyment, tiiese votaries 
 of pleasure can turn aside to call down curses on 
 the head of a fellow-creature. Despicable souls ! 
 ye are unworthy of being citizens of this " most 
 enlightened country under the sun : " rather herd 
 with the murdeious savages who prowl the 
 mountains of Tibesti ; who stain their midnight 
 orgies with the blood of the innocent wanderer, 
 
 NOTE BY WILLIAM WIZAKD, ESQ. 
 
 1 It would seem that, in this sentence, the sage Mustapha 
 had reference to a patriotic dinner, celebrated last 4th of July, 
 by some gentlemen of Baltimore, when they righteously 
 drank perdition to an unoffending individual, and really 
 thought " they had done the state some service." This ami- 
 able custom of " eating and drinking damnation " to others, 
 is not confined to any party: for a month or two after the 
 4th of July, the different newspapers file off their columns 
 of patriotic toasts against each other, and take a pride in 
 showing how brilliantly their partisans can blackguard public 
 character in their cups — " They dd but jest — poison in jest," 
 as Man\let sa\s. 
 
378 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 and drink their infernal potations from the skulls 
 of the victims they have massacred. 
 
 And yet, trust me, Asem, this spirit of vindic- 
 tive cowardice is not owing to any inherent de- 
 pravity of soul, for on otlier occasions, I have 
 had ample proof that this nation is mild and 
 merciful, brave and magnanimous ; neither is it 
 owing to any defect in their political or religious 
 precepts. The principles inculcated by their 
 rulers, on all occasions, breathe a spirit of univer- 
 sal philanthropy ; and as to their religion, much 
 as 1 am devoted to the Koran of our divine 
 prophet, still I cannot but acknowledge with ad- 
 miration the mild forbearance, the amiable be- 
 neyolence, tlie sublime morality bequeathed them 
 by the founder of their faith. Thou remember- 
 est the doctrines of the mild Nazarene, who 
 preached peace and good-will to all mankind ; 
 who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; who 
 blessed those who cursed him, and prayed for 
 those who despitefuUy used and persecuted him ! 
 What, then, can give rise to this uncharitable, 
 this inhuman custom among the disciples of a 
 master so gentle and forgiving? It is that fiend 
 politics, Asem — that baneful fiend which bewil- 
 dereth every brain, and poisons every social feel- 
 ing ; which intrudes itself at the festive banquet, 
 and like the detestable harpy, pollutes the very 
 viands of the table ; which contaminates the 
 refreshing draught while it is inhaled; which 
 prompts the cowardly assassin to launch his poi- 
 soned arrows from behind the social board : and 
 which renders the bottle, that boasted promoter 
 
THE FIEND POLITICS. 379 
 
 of good fellowship and hilarity, an infernal engine 
 charged with direful combustion. 
 
 O, Asem ! Asem ! how does my heart sicken 
 when I contemplate these cowardly barbarities ! 
 let me, therefore, if possible, withdraw ray atten- 
 tion from them forever. My feelings have borne 
 me from my subject ; and from the monuments 
 of ancient greatness, I have wandered to those of 
 modern degradation. My warmest wishes remain 
 with thee, thou most illustrious of slave-drivers; 
 mayest thou ever be sensible of the mercies of 
 our great prophet, who, in compassion to human 
 imbecility, has prohibited his disciples from the 
 use of the deluding beverage of the grape ; that 
 enemy to reason — that promoter of defamation 
 — that auxiliary of politics. 
 
 Ever thine, 
 
 MUSTAPHA. 
 

 NO. XVII.— WEDNESDAY, NOV. 11, 1807. 
 AUTUMNAL REFLECTIONS. 
 
 BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 
 
 HEN a man is quietly journeying down- 
 ward into the valley of the shadow of 
 departed youth, and begins to contem- 
 jolate, in a shortened perspective, the end of his 
 pilo-rimage, he becomes more solicitous than ever 
 that the remainder of his wayfaring should be 
 smooth and pleasant ; and the evening of his life, 
 like the evening of a summer's day, fade away 
 in mild uninterrupted serenity. If haply his 
 heart has escaped uninjured through the dangers 
 of a seductive world, it may then administer to 
 the purest of his felicities, and its chords vibrate 
 more musically for the trials they have sustained 
 
 — like the viol which yields a melody sweet in 
 proportion to its age. 
 
 To a mind thus temperately harmonized — thus 
 matured and mellowed b) i long lapse of years 
 
 — there is something truly congenial in the quiet 
 enjoyment of our early autumn, amid the tran- 
 quillities of the country. There is a sober and 
 chastened air of gayety diffused over the face of 
 nature, peculiarly interesting to an old man ; 
 and when he views the surrounding landscape 
 
AUTUMNAL REFLECTIONS. 381 
 
 withering under his eye, it seems as if he and 
 nature were takinoj a last farewell of each other 
 and parting with a melancholy smile ; like a 
 couple of old friends, who, having sported away 
 the spring and summer of life together, part at 
 the approach of winter with a kind of prophetic 
 fear that they are never to meet again. 
 
 It is either my good fortune, or mishap, to be 
 keenly susceptible to the influence of the atmos- 
 phere ; and I can feel in the morning, before I 
 open my window, whether the wind is easterly. 
 It will not, therefore, I presume, be considered 
 an extravagant instance of vainglory when I as- 
 sert, that there are few men who can discriminate 
 more accurately in the different varieties of 
 damps, fogs, Scotch mists, and northeast storms, 
 than myself. To the great discredit of my phi- 
 losophy, I confess, I seldom fail to anathematize 
 and excommunicate the weather, when it sports 
 too rudely with my sensitive system ; but then I 
 always endeavor to atone therefor, by eulogizing 
 it when deserving of approbation. And as most 
 of my readers — simple folks ! — make but one 
 distinction, to wit, rain and sunshine ; living in 
 most honest ignorance of the various nice shades 
 which distinguish one fine day from another, I 
 take the trouble, from time to time, of letting 
 them into some of the secrets of nature. So 
 will they be the better enabled to enjoy her beau- 
 ties, with the zest of connoisseurs, and derive at 
 least as much information from my pages as from 
 the weather-wise lore of the almanac. 
 
 Much of my recreation, since I retreated to 
 
382 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 the Hall, has consisted in making little excursions 
 through the neighborhood ; which abounds in the 
 variety of wild, romantic, and luxuriant land- 
 scape that generally characterizes the scenery in 
 the vicinity of our rivers. There is not an emi- 
 nence within a circuit of many miles but com- 
 mands an extensive range of diversified and en- 
 chanting prospect. 
 
 Often have I rambled to the summit of some 
 favorite hill ; and thence, with feelings sweetly 
 tranquil, as the lucid expanse of the heavens 
 that canopied me, have noted the slow and almost 
 imperceptible changes that mark the waning year. 
 There are many features peculiar to our autumn, 
 and which give it an individual character. The 
 " green and yellow melancholy " that first steals 
 over the landscape — the mild and steady serenity 
 of the weather, and the transparent purity of the 
 atmosphere, speak, not merely to the senses, but 
 the heart. It is the season of liberal emotions. 
 To this succeeds fantastic gayety, a motley dress, 
 which the woods assume, where green and yellow, 
 orange, purple, crimson, and scarlet, are whimsi- 
 cally blended together. A sickly splendor this ! 
 — like the wild and broken-hearted gayety, that 
 sometimes precedes dissolution, — or that childish 
 sportiveness of superannuated age, proceeding, 
 not from a vigorous flow of animal spirits, but 
 from the decay and imbecility of the mind. We 
 might, perhaps, be deceived by this gaudy garb of 
 nature, were it not for the rustling of the falling 
 leaf, which, breaking on the stillness of the scene, 
 seems to announce, in prophetic whispers, the 
 
PREMATURE DECAY. 383 
 
 dreary winter that is approacliing. When I have 
 sometimes seen a thrifty young oak changing its 
 hue of sturdy vigor for a bright, but transient 
 glow of red, it has recalled to my mind the 
 treacherous bloom that once mantled the cheek of 
 a friend who is now no more; and which, while 
 it seemed to promise a long life of jocund spirits, 
 was the sure precursor of premature decay. In 
 a little while, and this ostentatious foliage dis- 
 appears ; the close of autumn leaves but one wide 
 expanse of dusky brown, save where some rivu- 
 let steals along, bordered with little strips of green 
 grass ; the woodland echoes no more to the carols 
 of the feathered tribes that sported in the leafy 
 covert, and its solitude and silence is uninter- 
 rupted except by the plaintive whistle of the 
 quail, the barking of the squirrel, or the still 
 more melancholy wintry wind, which, rushing 
 and swelling through the hollows of the moun- 
 tains, sighs through the leafless branches of the 
 grove, and seems to mourn the desolation of the 
 year. 
 
 To one who, like myself, is fond of drawing 
 comparisons between the different divisions of life, 
 and those of the seasons, there will appear a 
 striking analogy, which connects the feelings of 
 the aged with the decline of the year. Often, as 
 I contemplate the mild, uniform, and genial lustre 
 wdth which the sun cheers and invigorates us in 
 the month of October, and the almost impercep- 
 tible haze which, without obscuring, tempers* all 
 the asperities of the landscape, and gives to every 
 object a character of stillness and repose, I can* 
 
384 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 not help comparing it with that portion of exis- 
 tence when, the spring of youthful hope and the 
 summer of the passions having gone by, reason 
 assumes an undisputed sway, and lights us on with 
 bright, but undazzling lustre, adown the hill of 
 life. There is a full and mature luxuriance in 
 the fields that fills the bosom with generous and 
 disinterested content. It is not the thouojhtless 
 extravagance of spring, prodigal only in blos- 
 soms, nor the languid voluptuousness of summer, 
 feverish in its enjoyments, and teeming only with 
 immature abundance — it is that certain fruition 
 of the labors of the past — that prospect of com- 
 fortable realities, which those will be sure to en- 
 joy who have improved the beauteous smUes of 
 heaven, nor wasted away their spring and sum- 
 mer in empty trifling or criminal indulgence. 
 
 Cousin Pindar, who is my constant companion 
 in these expeditions, and who still possesses much 
 of the fire and energy of youthful sentiment, and 
 a buxom hilarity of the spirits, often, indeed, 
 draws me from these half- melancholy reveries, 
 and makes me feel young again by the enthusi- 
 asm with which he contemplates, and the ani- 
 mation with which he eulogizes the beauties of 
 nature displayed before him. His enthusiastic 
 disposition never allows him to enjoy things by 
 halves, and his feelings are continually breaking 
 out in notes of admiration and ejaculations that 
 sober reason might perhaps deem extravagant. 
 But, for my part, when I see a hale, hearty old 
 man, who has jostled through the rough path 
 of the world, without having worn away the fine 
 
SYMPATHIES OF THE SEASON. 385 
 
 edges of his feelings, or blunted his sensibility 
 to natural and moral beauty, I compare him to 
 the evergreen of the forest, whose colors, instead 
 of fading at the approach of winter, seem to 
 assume additional lustre, when contrasted with 
 the surrounding desolation. Such a man is my 
 friend Pindar ; yet sometimes, and particularly at 
 the approach of evening, even he will fall in with 
 my humor ; but he soon recovers his natural tone 
 of spirits ; and, mounting on the elasticity of his 
 mind, like Ganymede on the eagle's wing, he 
 soars to the ethereal regions of sunshine and 
 fancy. 
 
 One afternoon we had strolled to the top of a 
 high hill in the neighborhood of the Hall, which 
 commands an almost boundless prospect ; and as 
 the shadows began to lengthen around us, and the 
 distant mountains to fade into mist, my cousin 
 was seized with a moralizino; fit. " It seems to 
 me," said he, laying his hand lightly on my 
 shoulder, " that there is just at this season, and 
 this hour, a sympathy between us and the world 
 we are now contemplating. The evening is 
 stealing upon nature as well as upon us ; the 
 shadows of the opening day have given place to 
 those of its close ; and the only difference is, that 
 in the morning they were before us, now they 
 are behind ; and that the first vanished in the 
 splendors of noonday, the latter will be lost in 
 the oblivion of night. Our ' May of life,' my 
 dear Launce, has forever fled •, our summer is 
 over and gone — but," continued he, suddenly re- 
 covering himself, and slapping me gayly on the 
 
386 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 Bhoulder — "but why should we repine? — what? 
 though the capricious zephyrs of spring, the 
 heats and hurricanes of summer, have given place 
 to the sober sunshine of autumn ! and though 
 the woods begin to assume the dappled livery of 
 decay.! yet the prevailing color is still green — 
 gay, sprightly green. 
 
 " Let us theu comfort ourselves with this re- 
 flection ; that though the shades of the morning 
 have given place to those of the evening — 
 though the spiing is past, the summer over, and 
 the autumn come — still you and I go on our 
 way rejoicing, and while, like the lofty moun- 
 tains of our southern America, our heads are 
 covered with snow, still, like them, we feel the 
 genial warmth of spring and summer playing 
 upon our bosoms." 
 
 BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ., 
 
 IN the description which I gave some time 
 since, of Cockloft Hall, I totally forgot to 
 make honorable mention of the library, which I 
 confess was a most inexcusable oversight ; for in 
 truth it would bear a comparison, in point of use- 
 fulness and eccentricity, with the motley collec- 
 tion of the renowned hero of La Mancha. 
 
 It was chiefly gathered together by my grand- 
 father; who spared neither pains nor expense to 
 procure specimens of the oldest, most quaint, and 
 insufferable books in the whole compass of Eng- 
 
THE COCKLOFT LIBRARY. 387 
 
 lish, Scotch, and Irish literature. There is a tra- 
 dition in the family that the old gentleman once 
 gave a grand entertainment in consequence of 
 having got possession of a copy of a phillipic, by 
 Archbishop Ansel m, against the unseemly luxury 
 of long-toed shoes, as worn by the courtiers in 
 the time of William Rufus, which he purchased 
 of an honest brick-maker in the neighborhood, for 
 a little less than forty times its value. He had 
 undoubtedly a singular reverence for old authors, 
 and his highest eulogium on his library was, that 
 it consisted of books not to be met with in any 
 other collection ; and as the phrase is, entirely 
 out of print. The reason of which was, I sup- 
 pose, that they were not worthy of being re- 
 printed. 
 
 Cousin Christopher preserves these relics with 
 great care, and has added considerably to the col- 
 lection ; for with the Hall he has inherited almost 
 all the whimwhams of its former possessor. He 
 cherishes a reverential regaid for ponderous tomes 
 of Greek and Latin ; though he knows about as 
 much of these languages, as a young Bachelor of 
 Arts does a year or two after leaving college. A 
 worm-eaten work in ei^ht or ten volumes he com- 
 pares to an old family, more respectable for its 
 antiquity than its splendor ; a lumbering folio he 
 considers as a duke ; a sturdy quarto, as an earl ; 
 and a row of gilded duodecimos, as so many gal- 
 lant knights of the garter. But as to modern 
 works of literature, they are thrust into trunks 
 and drawers, as intruding upstarts, and regarded 
 with as much contempt as mushroom nobility in 
 
388 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 England ; who, having risen to grandeur, merely 
 by their talents and sej vices, are regarded as n\r 
 terly unworthy to mingle their blood with those 
 noble currents that can be traced without a single 
 contamination through a long line of, perhaps, 
 useless and profligate ancestors, up to William 
 the Bastard's cook, or butler, or groom, or some 
 one of Rollo's freebooters. 
 
 Will Wizard, whose studies are of a most un- 
 common complexion, takes great delight in ran- 
 sacking the library ; and has been, during his 
 late sojournings at the Hall, very constant and 
 devout in his visits to this receptacle of obsolete 
 learning. He seemed particularly tickled with 
 the contents of the great mahogany chest of 
 drawers mentioned in the beginning of this work. 
 This venerable piece of architecture has frowned 
 in sullen majesty, from a corner of the library, 
 time out of mind ; and is filled with musty man- 
 uscripts, some in my grandfather's hand-writing 
 and others evidently written long before his day. 
 
 It was a sight, worthy of a man's seeing, tc 
 behold Will with his outlandish phiz poring over 
 old scrawls that would puzzle a whole society of 
 antiquarians to expound, and diving into recepta- 
 cles of trumpery, which for a century past, had 
 been undisturbed by mortal hand. He would sit 
 for whole hours, with a phlegmatic patience un- 
 known in these degenerate days, except, perad- 
 venture, among the High Dutch commentators, 
 prying into the quaint obscurity of musty parch- 
 ments, until his whole face seemed to be con- 
 verted into a folio leaf of black letter ; and occa- 
 
DRYASDUST. 389 
 
 gionally, when the whimsical meaning of an ob- 
 scure passage flashed on his mind, his counte- 
 nance would curl up into an expression of gothic 
 risibility, not unlike the physiognomy of a cab- 
 bage leaf wiltino- before a hot fire. 
 
 At such times there was no getting Will to 
 join in our walks ; or take any part in our usual 
 recreations ; he hardly gave us an oriental tale 
 in a week, and would smoke so inveterately that 
 no one else dared to enter the library under pain 
 of suffocation. This was more especially the 
 case when he encountered any knotty piece of 
 writing ; and he honestly confessed to me that 
 one worm-eaten manuscript, wrtten in a pesti- 
 lent crabbed hand, had cost him a box of the 
 best Spanish cigars before he could make it out ; 
 and after all, it was not worth a tobacco-stalk. 
 Such is the turn of my knowing associate ; only 
 let him get fairly in the track of any odd out-of- 
 the-w^ay whim wham, and away he goes, whip 
 and cut, until he either runs down his game, or 
 runs himself out of breath; I never in my life 
 met with a man who rode his hobby-horse more 
 intolerably hard than Wizard. 
 
 One of his favorite occupations, for some time 
 past, has been the hunting of black letter, which 
 he holds in high regard ; and he often hints, that 
 learning has been on the decline ever since the 
 introduction of the Roman alphabet. An old 
 book printed three hundred years ago is a treas- 
 ure ; and a ragged scroll, about one-half unintel- 
 ligible, fills him with rapture. O*! with what 
 enthusiasm will he dwell on the discovery of the 
 
390 SALMA(W\D[. 
 
 Pandects of Justinian, and Livy's history ; and 
 when he relates the pious exertions of the Med- 
 ici, in recovering the lost treasures of Greek 
 and Roman literature, his eye brightens, and his 
 face assumes all the splendor of an illuminated 
 manuscript. 
 
 Will had vegetated for a considerable time in 
 perfect tranquillity among dust and cobvrebs, when 
 one morning as we were gathered on the piazza, 
 listening with exemplary patience to one of Cous- 
 in Christopher's long stories about the Revolu- 
 tionary War, we were suddenly electrified by an 
 explosion of laughter from the library. My 
 readers, unless perad venture they have heard 
 honest Will laugh, can form no idea of the pro- 
 digious uproar he makes. To hear him in a for- 
 est, you would imagine — that is to say if you 
 were classical enough — that the satyrs and the 
 dryads had just discovered a pair of rural lovers 
 in the shade, and were deriding, with bursts of 
 obstreperous laughter, the blushes of the nymph 
 and the indignation of the swain, — or if it were 
 suddenly, as in the present instance, to break 
 upon the serene and pensive silence of an au- 
 tumnal morning, it would cause a sensation some- 
 thing like that which arises from hearing a sud- 
 den clap of thunder in a summer's day, when not 
 a cloud is to be seen above the horizon. In 
 short, I recommend Will's laugh as a sovereign 
 remedy for the spleen : and if any of our read- 
 ers are troubled with that villainous complaint — 
 which can hardly be, if they make good use of 
 our works — I advise them earnestly to get in- 
 troduced to him forthwith. 
 
WILVS LAUGHTER. 391 
 
 This outrageous merriment of Will's, as may 
 be easily supposed, threw the whole family into 
 a violent lit of wondering ; we all, with the ex- 
 ception of Christopher, who took the interrup- 
 tion in high dudgeon, silently stole up to the li- 
 brary ; and bolting in upon him, were fain at the 
 first glance to join in his aspiring roar. His face 
 — but I despair to give an idea of his appear- 
 ance ! — and until his portrait, which is now in 
 the hands of an eminent artist, is engraved, my 
 readers must be content : I promise them they 
 shall one day or other have a striking likeness of 
 Will's indescribable phiz, in all its native comeli- 
 ness. 
 
 Upon my inquiring the occasion of his mirth, 
 he thrust an old, rusty, musty, and dusty manu- 
 script into my hand, of which I could not deci- 
 pher one word out of ten, without more trouble 
 than it was wortli. This task, however, he kindly 
 took off my hands ; and, in a little more than 
 eight-and-forty hours, produced a translation into 
 fair Roman letters ; though he assured me it had 
 lost a vast deal of its humor by being modern- 
 ized and degraded into plain English. In return 
 for the great pains he had taken, I could not do 
 less than insert it in our work. Will informs me 
 that it is but one sheet of a stupendous bundle 
 which still remains uninvestigated. Who was the 
 author we have not yet discovered ; but a note 
 on the back, in my grandfather's handwriting, in- 
 informs us that it was presented to him as a lit- 
 erary curiosity by his particular friend, the illus- 
 trious Rip Van Dam, formerly lieutenant - gov- 
 
392 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 ernor of the colony of New Amsterdam ; and 
 whose fame, if it has never reached these latter 
 days, it was only because he was too modest a 
 man ever to do anything worthy of being par- 
 ticularly recorded. 
 
 CHAP. CIX. — OF THE CHRONICLES OF THE RE- 
 NOWNED AND ANTIENT CITY OF GOTHAM. 
 
 How Gotham city conquered was, 
 
 And how the folks turned apes — because. 
 
 Link. Fid. 
 
 A LBEIT, much about lliis time it did fall out 
 i\ that the thrice renowned and delectable city 
 of Gotham did suffer great discomfiture, and was 
 reduced to perilous extremity, by the invasion 
 and assaults of the Hoj^pingtQts. These are a 
 people inhabiting a far distant country, exceed- 
 ingly pleasaunte and fertile ; but they being withal 
 egregiously addicted to migrations, do thence is- 
 sue forth in mighty swarms, like the Scythians 
 of old, overrunning divers countries and com- 
 monwealths, and committing great devastations 
 wheresoever they do go, by their horrible and 
 dreadful feats and prowesses. They are specially 
 noted for being right valorous in all exercises of 
 the leg; and of them it hath been rightly af- 
 firmed that no nation in all Christendom or else- 
 where, can cope with them in the adroit, dexter- 
 ous, and jocund shaking of the heel. 
 
 This engaging excellence doth stand unto them 
 
A CHRONICLE OF GOTHAM. 393 
 
 a sovereign recommendation, by which they do 
 insinuate themselves into universal favor and 
 good countenance ; and it is a notable fact, that, 
 let a Hoppingtot but once introduce a foot into 
 company, and it goeth hardly if he doth not con- 
 trive to flourish his whole body in thereafter. 
 The learned Linkum Fidelius, in his famous and 
 unheard of treatise on man, whom he defineth, 
 with exceeding sagacity, to be a corn-cutting, 
 tooth-drawing animal, is particularly minute and 
 elaborate in treating of the nation of the Hop- 
 pingtots, and betrays a little of the Pythagorean 
 in his theory, inasmuch as he accounteth for their 
 being so wonderously adroit in pedestrian exer- 
 cises, by supposing that they did originally ac- 
 quire this unaccountable and unparalleled apti- 
 tude for huge and unmatchable feats of the leo-, 
 by having heretofore been condemned for their 
 numerous offenses against that harmless race of 
 bipeds, — or quadrupeds, for herein the sage 
 Linkum Fidelius appeareth to doubt and waver 
 exceedingly — the frogs, to animate their bodies 
 for the space of one or two generations. 
 
 He also giveth it as his opinion, that the name 
 of Hoppingtots is manifestly derivative from this 
 transmigration. Be this, however, as it may, the 
 matter, albeit it has been the subject of contro- 
 versy among the learned, is but little pertinent 
 to the subject of this history ; wherefore shall we 
 treat and consider it as naughte. 
 
 Now these people being thereto impelled by a 
 superfluity of appetite, and a plentiful deficiency 
 of the wherewithal to satisfy the same, did take 
 
394 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 thought that the antlent and venerable city of 
 Gotham, was, peradventure, possessed of mighty 
 treasures, and did, moreover, abound with all 
 manner of fish and flesh, and eatables and drink- 
 ables, and such like delightsome and wholesome 
 excellencies withal. Whereupon calling a coun- 
 cil of the most active heeled warriors, they did 
 resolve forthwith to put forth a mighty array, 
 make themselves masters of the same, and revel 
 in the good things of the land. To this were 
 they hotly stirred up, and wickedly incited, by 
 two redoubtable and renowned warriors, hight 
 Pirouet and Rigadoon ; ycleped in such sort, 
 by reason that they were two mighty, valiant, 
 and invincible little men ; utterly famous for the 
 victories of the leg which they had, on divers 
 illustrious occasions, right gallantly achieved. 
 
 These doughty champions did ambitiously and 
 wickedly inflame the minds of their countrymen, 
 with gorgeous descriptions, in the which they did 
 cunninglie set forth the marvelous riches and 
 luxuries of Gotham ; where Hoppingtots might 
 have garments for their bodies, shirts to their 
 rufiles, atid might riot most merrily every day in 
 the week on beef, pudding, and such like lusty 
 dainties. They, Pirouet and Rigadoon, did like- 
 wise hold out hopes of an easy conquest ; foras- 
 much as the Gothamites were as yet but little 
 versed in the mystery and science of handling the 
 legs ; and being, moreover, like unto that notable 
 bully of antiquity, Achilles, most vulnerable to 
 all attacks on the heel, would doubtless surrender 
 at the very first assault. Whereupon, on the 
 
THE HOPPJNGTOTS. 395 
 
 hearing of this inspiriting counsel, the Hoppingtots 
 did set up a prodigious great cry of joy, shook 
 their heels in triumph, and were all impatience 
 to dance on to Gotham and take it by storm. 
 
 The cunning Pirouet, and that arch caitiff 
 Rigadoon, knew full well how to {)rofit of this 
 enthusiasm. They forthwith did order every 
 man to arm himself with a certain pestilent little 
 weapon called a fiddle ; to pack up in his knapsack 
 a pair of silk breeches, the like of ruffles, a 
 cocked hat of the form of a half-moon, a bundle 
 of catgut — and inasmuch as in marching to 
 Gotham, the army might peradventure be smitten 
 with scarcity of provisions, they did account it 
 proper that each man should take especial care 
 to carry with him a bunch of right merchantable 
 onions. Having proclaimed these orders by 
 sound of fiddle, they, Pirouet and Rigadoon, did 
 accordingly put their army behind them, and 
 striking up the right jolly and sprightful tune of 
 Ca Ira, away they all capered toward the devoted 
 city of Gotham, with a most horrible and appall- 
 ing chattering of voices. 
 
 Of their first appearance before the beleagured 
 town, and of the various difficulties w^hich did 
 encounter them in their march, this history saith 
 not ; being that other matters of more weighty 
 import require to be written. When that the 
 army of the Hoppingtots did peregrinate within 
 sight of Gotham, and the people of the city did 
 behold the villainous and hitherto unseen capers 
 and grimaces which they did make, a most 
 horrific panic was stirred up among the citizens ; 
 
396 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 and the sages of the town fell into great despon- 
 dency and tribulation, as supposing that these 
 invaders were of the race of the Jig-hees, w^ho 
 did make men into baboons when they achieved 
 a conquest over them. The sages, therefore, 
 called upon all the dancing men and dancing 
 women, and exhorted them, with great vehemence 
 of speech, to make heel against the invaders, and 
 to put themselves upon such gallant defense, such 
 glorious array, and such sturdy evolution, eleva- 
 tion, and transposition of the foot as might incon- 
 tinently impester the legs of the Hoppingtots, and 
 produce their complete discomfiture. But so it did 
 happen, by great mischance, that divers light-heeled 
 youths of Gotham, more especially those who are 
 descended from three wise men, so renowned of 
 yore for having most venturesomely voyaged over 
 sea in a bowl, were, from time to time, captured 
 and inveigled into the camp of the enemy ; where, 
 being foolishly cajoled and treated for a season 
 with outlandish disports and pleasantries, they 
 w^ere sent back to their friends, entirely changed, 
 degenerated, and turned topsy-turvy : insomuch 
 that they thought thenceforth of nothing but their 
 heels, always essaying to thrust them into the 
 most manifest point of view ; and, in a word, as 
 might truly be affirmed, did forever after walk 
 upon their heads outright. 
 
 And the Hoppingtots did day by day, and at 
 late hours of the night, wax more and more 
 urgent in this their investment of the city. At 
 one time ihey would, in goodly procession, make 
 an open assault by sound of fiddle in a treraen- 
 
PIROUET. 397 
 
 dous contra-dance — and anon they would ad- 
 vance by little detachments and maneuvers to 
 take the town by figuring in cotillons. But truly 
 their most cunning and devilish craft and sub- 
 tiltv was made manifest in their strenuous en- 
 deavors to corrupt the ^rrison, by a most insidious 
 and pestilent dance called the Waltz. This, in 
 good truth, was a potent auxiliary ; for, by it, 
 were tlie heads of the simple Gothamites most 
 villainously turned, their wits sent a wool-gather- 
 ing, and themselves on the point of surrendering 
 at discietion even unto the \Q.vy arms of their 
 invading foemen. 
 
 At length the fortifications of the town began 
 to give manifest symptoms of decay ; inasmuch 
 as the breastwork of decency was considerably 
 broken down, and the curtain works of propriety 
 blown up. When that cunning catiff, Pirouet, be- 
 held the ticklish and jeopardized state of the 
 city — " Now, by my leg," quoth he, — he always 
 swore by his leg, being that it was an exceedingly 
 goodlie leg, — '' now, by my leg," quoth he, "but 
 this is no great matter of recreation ; I will show 
 these people a pretty, strange, and new way, 
 forsooth, presentlie, and will shake the dust off my 
 pumps upon this most obstinate and uncivilized 
 town. Whereupon he ordered, and did command 
 his warriors, one and all, that they should put 
 themselves in readiness, and prepare to carry the 
 town by a grand ball. They, in nowise to be 
 daunted, do forthwith, at the word, equip them- 
 . selves for the assault ; and in good faith, truly, it 
 was a gracious and glorious sight — a most 
 
398 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 triumphant and incomparable spectacle — to he- 
 hold them gallantly arrayed in glossy and shining 
 silk breeches tied with abundance of ribbon ; with 
 silken hose of the gorgeous color of the salmon ; 
 right goodlie morocco pumps, decorated with 
 clasps or buckles of a m#st cunninge and secret 
 contrivance, inasmuch as they did of themselves 
 grapple to the shoe without any aid of fluke or 
 tongue, marvelously ensembling witchcraft and 
 necromancy. They had, withal, exuberant chit- 
 terlings, which puffed out at the neck and bosom, 
 after a most jolly fashion, like unto the beard of an 
 antient he-turkey ; and cocked hats, the which 
 they did carry not on their heads, after the fashion 
 of the Gothamites, but under their arms, as a 
 roasted fowl his gizzard. 
 
 Thus being equipped and marshaled, they do 
 attack, assault, batter, and belabor the town with 
 might and main ; most gallantly displaying the 
 vigor of their legs, and shaking their heels at it 
 most emphatically. And the manner of their 
 attack was in this sort : first, they did thunder 
 and gallop forward in a contre-temps — and anon, 
 displayed column in a Cossack dance, a fandango, 
 or a gavot. Whereat the Gothamites, in nowise 
 understanding this unknown system of warfare, 
 marveled exceedinglie, and did open their mouths 
 incontinently, the full distance of a bow-shot, 
 meaning a cross-bow, in sore dismay and appre- 
 hension. Whereupon, saith Rigadoon, flourishing 
 his left leg with great expression of valor, and 
 most magnific carriage : " My copesmates, for 
 what wait we here ? are not the townsmen already 
 
CAPTURE OF GOTHAM. 39S 
 
 won to oiir favor ? do not their women and 
 young damsels wave to us from the walls in such 
 sort that, albeit there is some show of defense, 
 yet is it manifestly converted into our interests?'* 
 So saying, he made no more ado, but leaping into 
 the air about a flisht-shot, and crossincr his feet 
 six times, after the manner of the Hoppingtots, 
 he gave a short partiidge-run, and with mighty 
 vio;or and swiftness did bolt outrigrht over the 
 walls with a somerset. The whole army of 
 Hoppingtots danced in after their valiant chieftain, 
 witli an enormous squeaking of fiddles, and a 
 horrific blasting and brattling of horns ; insomuch 
 that the dogs did howl in the streets, so hideously 
 were their ears assailed. The Gothamites made 
 some semblance of defense, but their women 
 having been all won over into the interest of the 
 enemy, they were shortly reduced to make most 
 abject submission ; and delivered over to the 
 coercion of certain professors of the Hoppingtots, 
 who did put them under most ignominious dur- 
 ance, for the space of a long time, until they had 
 learned to turn out their toes, and flourish their 
 legs after the manner of their conquerors. And 
 thus, after the manner I have related, was the 
 miohty and puissant city of Gotham ciicumvented, 
 and taken by a coup de pied : or, as it might be 
 rendered, by force of legs. 
 
 The conquerors showed no mercy, but did put 
 all ages, sexes, and conditions, to the fiddle and 
 the dance ; and, in a word, compelled and enforced 
 them to become absolute Hoppingtots. " Habit,'* 
 as the ingenious Linkum Fidelius profoundly 
 
400 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 affirmeth, " is second nature." And this original 
 and invaluable observation hath been most aptly 
 proved, and illustrated, by the example of the 
 Gothamites, ever since this disastrous and unlucky 
 mischance. In process of time, they have waxed 
 to be most flagrant, outrageous, and abandoned 
 dancers ; they do ponder on naughte but how to 
 gallantize it at balls, routs, and fandangoes ; inso- 
 much that the like was in no time or place ever 
 observed before. They do moreover, pitifully de- 
 vote their nights to tlie jollification of the legs, 
 and their days forsooth to the instruction and 
 edification of the heel. And to conclude ; their 
 young folk, who whilome did bestow a modicum 
 of leisure upon the head, have of late utterly 
 abandoned this hopeful task, and have quietly, as 
 it were, settled themselves down into mere ma- 
 chines, wound up by a tune, and set in motion by 
 a fiddlestick ! 
 
NO. XVIIL — TUESDAY, NOV. 24, 1807. 
 
 THE LITTLE MAN IN BLACK. 
 
 BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 
 
 HE following story has been handed down 
 j by family tradition for more than a cen- 
 l^s^Ssiij tury. It is one on which my cousin 
 Ciiri.stopher dwells with more than usual prolixity ; 
 and, being in some measure connected with a 
 personage often quoted in our work, 1 have 
 thought it wortliy of being laid before my readers. 
 
 Soon after my grandfather, Mr. Lemuel Cock- 
 loft, had quietly settled himself at the Hall, and 
 just about the time that the gossips of the neigh- 
 borhood, tii-ed of prying into his affairs, were 
 anxious for some new^ tea-table topic, the busy 
 community of our little village was thrown into 
 a grand turmoil of curiosity and conjecture — a 
 situation very common to little gossiping villages 
 -— by the sudden and unaccountable appearance 
 of a mysterious individual. 
 
 The object of this solicitude was a little black- 
 looking man, of a foreign aspect, who took pos- 
 session of an old b ilding, which having long had 
 the reputation of being haunted, was in a state 
 of ruinous desolation, and an object of fear to all 
 2G 
 
402 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 true believers in ghosts. He usually wore a hi»h 
 Bugar-loaf hat wiih a narrow brim ; and a little 
 black cloak, which, short as he was, scarcely 
 reached below his knees. He sought no intimacy 
 or acquaintance with any one ; appeared to take 
 no interest in the pleasures or the little broils of 
 the village ; nor ever talked ; except sometimes to 
 himself in an outlandish tongue. He commonly 
 carried a large book, covered with sheepskin, 
 under his arm ; appeared always to be lost iu 
 meditation ; and was often met by the peasantry, 
 sometimes watching the dawning of day, some- 
 times at noon seated under a tree, poring over 
 his volume ; and sometimes at evening gazing 
 with a look of sober tranquillity at the sun as it 
 gradually sunk below the horizon. 
 
 The good people of the vicinity beheld some- 
 thing prodigiously singular in all this ; a profound 
 mystery seemed to hang about the stranger which, 
 with all their sagacity, they could not penetrate; 
 and in the excess of worldly charity they pro- 
 nounced it a sure sign " that he was no better 
 than he should be ; " a phrase innocent enough 
 in itself: but which, as applied in common, signi- 
 fies nearly everything that is bad. The young 
 people tliought him a gloomy misanthrope, because 
 he never joined in their sports ; the old men 
 thought still more hardly of him because he fol- 
 lowed no trade, and never seemed ambitious of 
 earning a farthing ; and as to the old gossips, 
 baffled by the inflexible taciturnity of the stran- 
 ger, they unanimously decreed that a man who 
 could not or would not talk was no better than a 
 
TEE LITTLE MAN IN BLACK. 40/) 
 
 dumb beast. The little man in black, carele>s 
 of their opinions, seemed resolved to maintain 
 the liberty of keeping his own secret ; and the 
 consequence was that, in a little while, the whole 
 village was in an uproar ; for in little communi- 
 ties of this description, the members have always 
 the privilege of being thoroughly versed, and 
 even of meddling in all the affairs of each other 
 
 A confidential conference was held one Sunday 
 morning after sermon, at the door of the village 
 church, and the character of the unknown fully 
 investigated. The schoolmaster gave it as his 
 opinion that he was the wandering Jew ; the sex- 
 ton was certain that he must be a freemason, 
 from his silence ; a third maintained, with great 
 obstinacy, that he was a high German doctor, 
 and that the book which he carried about with 
 him contained the secrets of the black art ; but 
 the most prevailing opinion seemed to be that he 
 was a witch ; a race of beings at that time 
 abounding in those parts ; and a sagacious old 
 matron, from Connecticut, proposed to ascertain 
 the fact by sousing him into a kettle of hot water. 
 
 Suspicion, when once afloat, goes with wind 
 and tide, and soon becomes ceilainty. Many a 
 stormy night was the little man in black seen by 
 the flashes of lightninjr, friskino- and curveting in 
 the air upon a broomstick ; and it was always 
 observed that at those times the storm did more 
 mischief than at any other. The old lady, in 
 particular, who suggested the humane ordeal of 
 the boiling kettle, lost on one of these occasions 
 a fine briudle cow; which accident was entirely 
 
404 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 ascribed to the vengeance of the little man iu 
 black. If ever a mischievous hireling rode his 
 master's favorite horse to a distant frolic, and the 
 animal was observed to be lame and jaded in the 
 morning, the little man in black was sure to 
 be at the bottom of the affair ; nor could a high 
 wind howl through the village at night but the 
 
 ■J '^ O 
 
 old women shrugged up their shoulders, and ob- 
 served, " the little man in black was in his tan- 
 trutns." In short, he became the bugbear of 
 evei-y house ; and was as effectual in frightening 
 little children into obedience and hysterics, as the 
 redoubtable Raw-head-and-bloody-bones himself; 
 nor could a housewife of the village sleep in peace 
 except under the guardianship of a horseshoe 
 nailed to the door. 
 
 The object of these direful suspicions remained 
 for some time totally ignorant of the wonderful 
 quandary he had occasioned ; but he was soon 
 doomed to feel its effects. An individual who is 
 once so unfortunate as to incur the odium of a 
 village is in a great measure outlawed and pro- 
 scribed ; and becomes a mark for injury and in- 
 sult; particularly if he has not the power or the 
 disposition to recriminate. The little venomous 
 passions, which in the great world are dissipated 
 and weakened by being widely diffused, act in 
 the narrow limits of a country town with col- 
 lected vigor, and become rancorous in proportion 
 as they are confined in their sphere of action. 
 The little man in black experienced the truth of 
 this ; every mischievous urchin returning from 
 school had full liberty to break his windows ; and 
 
TEL POOR TURNSPIT. 405 
 
 Ais was considered as a most daring exploit ; for 
 in such awe did they stand of him, that the most 
 adventurous schoolboy was never seen to ap- 
 proach his threshold, and at night would prefer 
 going round by the cross-roads, where a traveller 
 had been murdered by the Indians, rather than 
 pass by the door of his forlorn habitation. 
 
 The only living creature that seemed to have 
 any care or affection for this deserted being was 
 an old tui'nspit — the companion of his lonely 
 mansion and his solitary wandering — the sharer 
 of his scanty meals, and — sorry I am to say it 
 — the sharer of his persecutions. The turnspit, 
 like his master, was peaceable and inoffensive ; 
 never known to bark at a horse, to growl at a 
 traveller, or to quarrel with the dogs of the 
 neighborhood. He followed close at his master's 
 heels when he went out, and when he returned 
 stretched himself in the sunbeams at the door ; 
 demeaning himself in all things like a civil and 
 well-disposed turnspit. But notwithstanding his 
 exemplary deportment, he fell likewise under the 
 ill report of the village, as being the familiar of 
 the little man in black, and the evil spirit that 
 presided at his incantations. The old hovel was 
 considered as the scene of their unhallowed rites, 
 and its harmless tenants regarded with a detesta- 
 tion which their inoffensive conduct never merited. 
 Though pelted and jeered at by the brats of the 
 village, and frequently abused by their parents, 
 the little man in black never turned to rebuke 
 (hem; and his faithful dog, when wantonly as- 
 saulted, looked up wistfully in his master's face, 
 
406 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 and tliere learned a lesson of patience and for- 
 beai'ance. 
 
 The movements of this inscrutable being had 
 \ou^ been the subject of speculation at Cockloft 
 Hall, for its inmates were full as much given to 
 wondering as their descendants. The patience 
 with which he bore his persecutions particularly 
 surprised them ; for patience is a virtue but little 
 known in the Cockloft family. My grandmother, 
 who, it appears, was rather superstitious, saw in 
 this humility nothing but the gloomy suUenness 
 of a wizard who restrained himself for the pres- 
 ent, in hopes of midnight vengeance ; the parson 
 of the village, who was a man of some reading, 
 pronounced it the stubborn insensibility of a stoic 
 philosopher ; my grandfather, who, worthy soul, 
 seldom wandered abroad in search of conclusions, 
 took a data from his own excellent heart, and re- 
 garded it as the humble forgiveness of a Chris- 
 tian. But however different were their opinions 
 as to the character of the stranger, they agreed 
 in one particular, namely, in never intruding upon 
 his solitude; and my grandmother, who was at 
 that time nursing my mother, never left the room 
 without wisely putting the large family Bible in 
 the cradle — a sure talisman, in her opinion, 
 against witchcraft and necromancy. 
 
 One stormy winter night, when a bleak north- 
 east wind moaned about the cottages, and howled 
 around the village steeple, my grandfather was 
 returning from club, preceded by a servant with 
 a lantern. Just as he arrived opposite the deso- 
 late abode of the little man in black, he was 
 
THE LAST SCENE. 407 
 
 nrrested by the piteous howling of a dog, which, 
 heard in the pauses of a storm, was exquisitely 
 mournful ; and he fancied, now and then, that he 
 caught the low and broken groans of some one in 
 distress. He stopped for some minutes, hesita- 
 ting between the benevolence of his heart and a 
 sensation of geimine delicacy, which, in spite of 
 his eccentricity, he fully possessed — and which 
 forbade him to pry into the concerns of his neigh- 
 bors. Perhaps, too, this hesitation might have 
 been strengthened by a little taint of superstition ; 
 for surely, if the unknown had been addicted to 
 witchcraft, this was a most propitious night for 
 his vagaries. At length the old gentleman's phi- 
 lanthropy predominated ; he approached the hovel, 
 and, pushing open the door — for poverty has no 
 occasion for locks and keys — beheld, by the light 
 of the lantern, a scene that smote his generous 
 heart to the core. 
 
 On a miserable bed, with pallid and emaciated 
 visage, and hollow eyes — in a room destitute 
 of every convenience — without fire to warm 
 or friend to console him, lay this helpless mor- 
 tal, who had been so long the terror and wonder 
 of the village. His dog was crouching on the 
 scanty coverlet, and shivering with cold. My 
 grandfather stepped softly and hesitatingly to the 
 bedside, and accosted the forlorn sufferer in his 
 usual-accents of kindness. The little man in 
 black seemed recalled by the tones of compassion 
 from the lethargy into which he had fallen ; for, 
 though his heart was almost frozen, there was yet 
 nne chord that answered to the call of the good 
 
408 SALMAGUNDI 
 
 old man who bent over him ; the tones of sym- 
 pathy, so novel to his ear, called back his wan- 
 dering senses, and acted like a restorative to his 
 solitary feelings. 
 
 He raised his eyes, but they were vacant and 
 haggard ; he put forth his hand, but it was cold ; 
 he essayed to speak, but the sound died away in 
 his throat ; he pointed to his mouth with an ex- 
 pression of dreadful meaning, and, sad to relate, 
 my grandfather understood that the harmless 
 stranger, deserted by society, was perishing with 
 hunger ! With the quick impulse of humanity, 
 he dispatched the servant to the Hall for refresh- 
 ment. A little warm nourishment renovated him 
 for a short time, but not long ; it was evident his 
 pilgrimage was drawing to a close, and he was 
 about entering that peaceful asylum, where " the 
 wicked cease from troubling.*' 
 
 His tale of misery was short and quickly told ; 
 infirmities had stolen upon him, heightened by the 
 rigors of the season : he had taken to his bed, 
 without strength to rise and ask for assistance — ■ 
 '* and if I had," said he, in a tone of bitter de- 
 spondency, "■ to whom should I have applied ? I 
 have no friend that 1 know of in the world ! 
 The villagers avoid me as somethinof loathsome 
 and dangerous ; and here, in the midst of Chris- 
 tians, should I have perished, without a fellow- 
 being to soothe the last moments of existence, and 
 close my dying eyes, had not the bowlings of 
 my faithful dog excited your attention." 
 
 He seemed deeply sensible of the kindness of 
 my grandfather ; and at one time, as he looked 
 
AN EMBLEM OF BENEVOLENCE. 409 
 
 up into his old benefactor's face, a solitary tear 
 was observed to steal adown the parched furrows 
 of his cheek. Poor outcast ! it was the last tear 
 he shed ; but I warrant it was not the first by 
 millions. My grandfather watched by him all 
 night. Toward morning he gradually declined ; 
 and, as the rising sini gleamed through the win- 
 dow, he begged to be raised in his bed, that he 
 might look at it for the last time. He contem- 
 plated it for a moment, with a kind of religious 
 enthusiasm, and his lips moved as if engaged in 
 prayer. Tiie strange conjectures concerning him 
 rushed on my grandfather's mind ; " he is an 
 idolater," thought he, " and is worshipping the 
 sun ! " He listened a moment, and blushed at 
 his ovvn uncharitable suspicion ; he was only en- 
 gaged in the pious devotions of a Christian. His 
 simple orison being finished, the little man in 
 black withdrew his eyes from the east, and, tak- 
 ing my grandfather's hand in one of his, and 
 making a motion witli the other toward the sun : 
 "I love to contemplate it," said he ; *' 'tis an em- 
 blem of the universal benevolence of a true 
 Ciiristian ; and it is the most glorious work of 
 Him, who is philanthropy itself!" My grand- 
 fither blushed still deeper at his ungenerous sur- 
 mises ; he had pitied the stranger at first, but 
 now he revered him. He turned once more to 
 regard him, but his countenance had undergone 
 a change ; the holy enthusiasm that had lighted 
 up each feature had given place to an expression 
 0? mysterious import; a gleam of grandeur 
 seemed to steal across his Gothic visage, and he 
 
41 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 appeared full of some mighty secret which he 
 hesitated to impart. He raised the tattered night 
 cap that had sunk almost over his eyes, and wav- 
 ing his withered hand with a slow and feeble ex- 
 pression of dignity — '"In me," said he, with 
 laconic solemnity — '• in me you behold the last 
 descendant of the renowned Linkum Fidelius ! " 
 My grandfather gazed at him with reverence ; for 
 though he had never heard of the illustrious per- 
 sonage, thus pompously announced, yet there was 
 a certain black-letter dignity in the name that 
 peculiarly struck his fancy and commanded his 
 respect. 
 
 " You have been kind to me," continued the 
 little man in black, after a momentary pause, 
 *' and richly will I requite your kindness by 
 making you heir to my treasures ! In yonder 
 large deal box are the volumes of my illustrious 
 ancestor, of which I alone am the fortunate pos- 
 sessor. Inherit them, ponder over them, and be 
 wise ! " He tjrew faint with the exertion he had 
 made, and sunk back almost breathless on his 
 pillow. His hand, whi(;h, inspired with the im- 
 portance of his subject, he had raised to my 
 grandfather's arm, slipped from its hold and fell 
 over the side of the bed, and his faithful dog 
 licked it, as if anxious to soothe the last moments 
 of his dying master and testify his gratitude to 
 the hand that had so often cherished him. The 
 untaught caresses of the faithful animal were not 
 lost upon his dying master ; he raised his languid 
 eyes, turned them on the dog, then on my grand- 
 father ; and having given this silent recommenda- 
 tion — closed them for ever. 
 
THE LADIES. 411 
 
 The remains of the little man in black, not- 
 withstanding the objections of many pious peo- 
 ple, were decently interred in the churchyard 
 of the village ; and his spirit, harmless as the 
 body it once animated, has never been known to 
 molest a living being. My grandfather complied, 
 as far as possible, with his last request ; he con- 
 veyed tiie volumes of Linkum Fidelius to his 
 library ; he pondered over them frequently ; but 
 whether he grew wiser, the tradition doth not 
 mention. This much is certain, that his kindness 
 to the poor descendant of Fidelius was amply 
 rewarded by the approbation of his own heart, 
 and the devoted attachment of the old turnspit ; 
 who, transferring his affection from his deceased 
 master to his benefactor, became his constant 
 attendant, and was father to a long line of runty 
 curs that still flourish in the family. And thus 
 was the Cockloft library first enriched by the in- 
 valuable folios of the sage Linkum Fidelius. 
 
 LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI 
 KHAN, 
 
 TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRIXCU'AL SU,\.VE-ORIVEK TO HIS 
 HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 
 
 THOUGH I am often disgusted, my good 
 Asem, with the vices and absurdities of the 
 men of this country, yet the women afford me a 
 world of amusement. Their lively prattle is as 
 diverting as the chattering of the red-tailed par- 
 
A12 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 rot ; nor can the green-headed monkey of Tira- 
 andi equal them in whim and plajfuhiess. But, 
 notwithstanding these valuable qualifications, I 
 am sorry to observe they are not treated with 
 half the attention bestowed on the before men- 
 tioned animals. These infidels put their par- 
 rots in cages and chain their monkeys ; but their 
 women, instead of being carefnlly shut up in ha- 
 rems and seraglios, are abandoned to the direc- 
 tion of their own reason, and suffered to run 
 about in perfect freedom, like other domestic 
 animals. This comes, Asem, of treating their 
 w^omen as rational beings, and allowinsr them 
 souls. The consequence of tljis piteous neglect 
 may easily be imagined ; they have degenerated 
 into all their native wildness, are seldom to be 
 caught at home, and, at an early age, take to the 
 streets and highways, where they rove about 
 in droves, giving ahnost as much annoyance to 
 the peaceable people as the troops of wild dogs 
 that infest our great cities, or the flights of locusts 
 that sometimes spread famine and desolation over 
 whole regions of fertility. 
 
 This propensity to relapse into pristine wild- 
 ness, convinces me of the untamable disposition 
 of the sex, who may indeed be partially domesti- 
 cated by a long coui-se of confinement and re- 
 straint, but the moment they are restored to per- 
 sonal freedom, become wild as the young par- 
 tridge of this country, which, though scarcely 
 half-hatched, will take to the fields and run about 
 with the shell upon its back. 
 
 Notwithstanding their wildness, however, they 
 
DOMESTIC OCCUPATIONS. 413 
 
 are remarkably easy of access, and suffer them- 
 selves to be approached at certain hours of the 
 day, without any symptoms of appreliension ; and 
 I have even happily succeeded in detecting them 
 at their domestic occupations. One of the most 
 important of these, consists in thumping vehe- 
 mently on a kind of musical instrument, and pro- 
 ducing a confused, hideous, and indefinable up- 
 roar, which they call the description of a battle — 
 a jest, no doubt, for they are wonderfully facetious 
 at times, and make great practice of passing jokes 
 upon strangers. Sometimes they employ them- 
 selves in painting little caricatures of landscapes, 
 wherein they display their singular drollery in 
 bantering nature faii'ly out of countenance ; rep- 
 resenting her tricked out in all the tawdry 
 finery of copper skies, purple rivers, calico rocks, 
 red grass, clouds that look like old clothes set 
 adrift by the tempest, and foxy trees, whose 
 melancholy foliage, drooping and curling most 
 fantastically, reminds me of an undressed periwig 
 that I have, now and then, seen hung on a stick 
 in a barber's window. At other times, they em- 
 ploy themselves in acquiring a smattering of lan- 
 guages spoken by nations on the other side of the 
 globe, as they find their own language not suffi- 
 ciently copious to supply their constant demands, 
 and express their multifarfous ideas. But their 
 most important domestic avocation is, to embroider, 
 on satin or muslin, flowers of a nondescript kind, 
 in which the great art is to make them as unlike 
 nature as possible — or to fasten little bits of 
 silver, gold, tinsel and glass, on long strips of 
 
414 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 muslin, which they drag after them with much 
 dip^nity whenever they go abroad — a fine lady, 
 like a bird of paradise, being estimated by the 
 length of her tail. 
 
 But do not. my fi-iend, fall into the enormous 
 error of supposing that the exercise of these arts 
 is attended with any useful or profitable results ; 
 believe me, thou couldst not indulge an idea more 
 unjust and injurious; for it appears to be an es- 
 tablished maxim arnono; the women of this coun- 
 try, that a lady loses her dignity when she conde- 
 scends to be useful ; and forfeits all rank in 
 society the moment siie can be convicted of earn- 
 ing a farthing. Their labors, therefore, are di- 
 rected, not toward supplying their household, but 
 in decking their persons, and — generous souls — 
 they deck their persons, not so much to please 
 themselves, as to gratify others, particularly stran- 
 gers. I am confident thou wilt stare at this, my 
 good Asera, accustomed as thou art to our eastern 
 females, who shrink in blushing timidity even 
 from the glance of^ lover, and are so chary of 
 their favors, that they even seem fearful of lavish- 
 ing their smiles too profusely on their husbands. 
 Here, on the contrary, the stranger has the first 
 place in female regard, and, so far do they carry 
 their hospitality that I have seen a fine lady 
 slight a dozen tried friends and real admirers, who 
 lived in her smiles and made her happiness their 
 study, merely to allure the vague and wandering 
 glances of a stranger, who viewed her person with 
 indifference, and treated her advances with con- 
 tempt. By the whiskers of our sublime bashaw, 
 
DRESS. 415 
 
 but this is highly flattering to a foreigner ! and 
 thou mayest judge how particularly pleasing to 
 one who is, like myself, so ardent an admirer of 
 the sex. Far be it from me to condemn this ex- 
 tniordinary manifestation of good-will — let their 
 own countrymen look to that. 
 
 Be not alarmed, I conjure thee, my dear Asem, 
 lest I should be tempted, by these beautiful bar- 
 barians, to break the faith I owe to the three-and- 
 twenty wives, from whom my unhappy destiny 
 has perhaps severed me forever. No, Asem, nei- 
 ther tiuie, nor the bitter succession of misfortunes 
 that pursue me, can shake from my heart the 
 memory of former attachments. I listen with 
 tranquil heart to the strumming and prattling of 
 these fair sirens; their whimsical paintings touch 
 not the tender chord of my affections ; and I 
 would still defy their fascinations, though they 
 trailed after them tails as long as the gorgeous 
 trappings which are dragged at the heels of the 
 holy camel of Mecca ; or as the tail of the great 
 beast in our prophet's vision, which measured 
 three hundred and forty -nine leagues, two miles, 
 three furlongs, and a hand's breadth in longitude. 
 
 The dress of these women is, if possible, more 
 eccentric and whimsical than their deportment ; 
 and they take an inordinate pride in certain or- 
 naments which are probably derived from their 
 savage progenitors. A woman of this country, 
 dressed out for an exhibition, is loaded with as 
 many ornaments as a Circassian slave when 
 broufrht out for sale. Their heads are tricked 
 out with little bits of horn or shell, cut into fan- 
 
416 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 tastic shapes, and they seem to emulate each other 
 in the number of these singular baubles — like 
 the women we have seen in our journeys to Alep- 
 po, who cover their heads with the entire shell 
 of a tortoise, and, thus equipped, are the envy of 
 all their less fortunate acquaintance. They also 
 decorate their necks and ears with coral, .gold 
 chains, and glass beads, and load their fingers 
 with a variety of rings ; though I must confess, 
 I have never perceived that they wear any in 
 their uoses — as has been affirmed by many trav- 
 ellers. We have heard much of their painting 
 themselves most hideously, and making use of 
 bear's grease in great profusion ; but this, I sol- 
 emnly assure thee, is a misrepresentation ; civi- 
 lization, no doubt, having gradually extirpated 
 these nauseous practices. It is true, I have seen 
 two or three of these females, who had disguised 
 their features with paint ; but then it was merely 
 to give a tinge of red to their cheeks, and did not 
 look very frightful ; and fis to ointment, they rarely 
 use any now, except occasionally a little Grecian 
 oil for their hair, wiiich gives it a glossy, greasy, 
 and, they think, very comely appearance. The 
 last mentioned class of females, I take it for 
 granted, have been but lately caught, and still ro» 
 t-ain strong traits of their original savage propen- 
 sities. 
 
 The most flagrant and inexcusable fiiult, how- 
 ever, which I find in these lovely savages, is the 
 shameless and abandoned exposure of their per- 
 sons. Wilt thou not suspect me of exaggeration 
 when I affirm — • wilt thou not blush for them, 
 
DE GUST IB US. 417 
 
 most discreet Mussulman, when 1 declare to thee, 
 that they are so lost to all sense of modesty, as to 
 expose the whole of their faces, from their fore- 
 head to the chin, and they even go abroad with 
 their hands uncovered ! Monstrous indelicacy ! 
 
 But what I am going to disclose will, doubt- 
 less, appear to thee still more incredible. Tliough 
 1 cannot forbear paying a tribute of admiration 
 to the beautiful faces of these fair infidels, yet I 
 must give it as my firm opinion that their persons 
 are preposterously unseemly. In vain did I look 
 around me, on my first landing, for those divine 
 forms of redundant proportions, which answer to 
 the true standard of Eastern beauty. Not a sin- 
 gle fat fair one could I behold among the multi- 
 tudes that thronged the streets ; the females that 
 passed in review before me, tripping sportively 
 along, resembled a procession of shadows, return- 
 ing to their graves at the crowing of the cock. 
 
 This meagreness I first ascribed to their ex- 
 cessiv^e volubility ; for I have somewhere seen it 
 advanced bv a learned doctor, that the sex were 
 endowed with a peculiar activity of tongue, in or- 
 der that they might practice talking as a healthful 
 exercise, necessary to their confined and sedentary 
 mode of life. This exercise, it was natural to 
 suppose, would be carried to great excess in a 
 logocracy. " Too true," thought I, " they have 
 converted what was undoubtedly meant ns a benef- 
 icent gift, into a noxious habit, that steals the 
 flesh from their bones and the rose from their 
 cheeks — they absolutely talk themselves thin ! " 
 Judge, then, of my surprise when I was assured, 
 27 
 
418 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 not Ions since, that this measrreness was consid- 
 ered the perfection of personal beauty, and that 
 many a lady starved herself, with all the obstinate 
 perseverance of a pious dervise — into a fine fig- 
 ure ! " Nay, more." said iny informer, " they 
 will often sacrifice their healths in this ea«;er pur- 
 suit of skeleton beauty, and drink vineoai', eat 
 pickles, and smoke tobacco, to keep tliemselves 
 within the scanty outlines of the fashions." 
 Faugh ! Allah preserve me from such beauties, 
 who contaminate their pure blood with noxious 
 recipes — who impiously sacrifice the best gifts 
 of Heaven, to a preposterous and mistaken van- 
 ity ! Ere long I shall not be surprised to see 
 them scarring their faces like the negroes of 
 Congo, flattening their noses in imitation of the 
 Hottentots, or, like the barbarians of Ab-al Timar, 
 distorting their lips and ears out of all natural di- 
 mensions. Since I received this information. T 
 cannot contemplate a fine figure without thinking 
 of a vinegar cruet ; nor look at a dashing^ belle 
 without fancying her a pot of pickled cucumbers ! 
 What a difference, my friend, between these 
 shades and the plump beauties of Tripoli — what 
 a contrast between an infidel fair one and my fa- 
 vorite wife, Fatima, whom T bought by the hun- 
 dred weight, and had trundled home in a wheel- 
 barrow ! 
 
 But enough for the present ; I am promised a 
 faithful account of the arcana of a lady's toilette 
 — a complete initiation into the arts, mysteries, 
 spells, and potions ; in short, the whole chemical 
 process by which she reduces herself down to the 
 
HOME THOUGHTS. 419 
 
 most fashionable standard of insignificance ; to- 
 gether with specimens of the strait-waistcoats, the 
 lacings, the bandages, and the various ingenious 
 instruments with which she puts nature to the 
 rack, and tortures herself into a proper figure to 
 be admired. 
 
 Farewell, thou sweetest of slave-drivers ! The 
 echoes that repeat to a lover's ear the song of his 
 mistress, are not more soothino^ than tidings from 
 those we love. Let thy answer to my letters be 
 speedy ; and never, I pray thee, for a moment, 
 cease to watch over the prosperity of my house, 
 and the welfare of my beloved wives. Let them 
 want for nothing, my friend ; but feed them plen- 
 tifully on honey, boiled rice, and water-gruel ; so 
 that when I return to the blessed land of my fa- 
 thers, if that can ever be ! I may find tliem im- 
 proved in size and loveliness, and sleek as the 
 graceful elephants that range the green valley of 
 Abimar. 
 
 Ever thine, 
 
 MUSTAPHA. 
 
NO. XIX. — THURSDAY, DEC. 31, 1807. 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 
 
 AVING returned to town, and once 
 more formally taken possession of my 
 elbow-chair, it behooves me to discard 
 the rural feelings, and the rural sentiments, in 
 which I have for some time past indulged, and 
 devote myself more exclusively to the edification 
 of the town. As I feel at this moment a chival- 
 ric spark of gallantry playing around my heart, 
 and one of those dulcet emotions of cordiality, 
 which an old bachelor will sometimes entertain 
 toward the divine sex, I am determined to gratify 
 the sentiment for once, and devote this number 
 exclusivefy to the ladies. I would not, however, 
 have our fair readers imagine that we wish to 
 flatter ourselves into their good graces, devoutly 
 as we adore them ! — and what true cavalier does 
 not? — and heartily as we desire to flourish in 
 the mild sunshine of their smiles, yet we scorn 
 to insinuate ourselves into their favor ; unless it 
 be as honest friends, sincere well-wishers, and 
 disinterested advisers. If in the course of this 
 number they find us rather prodigal of our enco- 
 miums, they will have the modesty to ascribe it 
 to the excess of their own merits ; if they find 
 
FASHIONABLE DANCING. 421 
 
 U3 extremely indulgent to their faults, thej will 
 impute it rather to the superabundance of our 
 good nature, than to any servile and illiberal fear 
 of giving offense. 
 
 The following letter of Mustapha falls in ex- 
 actly with the current of my purpose. As I 
 have before mentioned that his letters are with- 
 out dates, we were obliged to give them very ir- 
 regularly, without any regard to chronological 
 order. 
 
 The present one appears to have been written 
 not long after his arrival, and antecedent to sev- 
 eral already published. It is more in the famil- 
 iar and colloquial style than the others. Will 
 Wizard declares he has translated it with fidelity, 
 excepting that he has omitted several remarks on 
 the waltz, which the honest Mussulman eulo- 
 gizes with great enthusiasm, comparing it to 
 certain voluptuous dances of the seraglio. Will 
 regretted exceedingly, that the indelicacy of sev- 
 eral of these observations compelled their total 
 exclusion, as he wishes to give all possible en- 
 couragement to this popular and amiable exhibi- 
 tion. 
 
422 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI 
 KHAN, 
 
 rO MULET HELIM AL, RAGGI, SURNAMED THE AGREEABLK 
 RAGAMUFFIN. CHIEF MOUNTEBANK AND BUFFA-DANCER 
 TO HIS HIGHNESS. 
 
 THE numerous letters which I have written 
 to our friend the slave driver, as well as 
 those to thy kinsman the Snorer, and which, 
 doubtless, were read to thee, honest Muley, have, 
 in all probability, awakened thy curiosity to know 
 further particulars concerning the manners of the 
 barbarians, who hold me in such ignominious cap- 
 tivity. I was lately at one of their public cere- 
 monies, which, at first, perplexed me exceedingly 
 as to its object ; but as the explanations of a 
 friend have let me somewhat into the secret, and 
 as it seems to bear no small analogy to thy pro- 
 fession, a description of it may contribute to thy 
 amusement, if not to thy instruction. 
 
 A few days since, just as I had finished my 
 coffee, and was perfuming my whiskers, prepara- 
 tory to a morning walk, I was waited upon by 
 an inhabitant of this place, a gay young infidel, 
 who has of late cultivated my acquaintance. He 
 presented me with a square bit of painted paste- 
 board, which, he informed me, would entitle me 
 to admittance to the City Assembly. Curious to 
 know the meaning of a phrase which was en- 
 tirely new to me, I requested an explanation ; 
 when my friend informed me, that tlie assembly 
 was a numerous concourse of young people of 
 
THE CITY ASSEMBLY, 423 
 
 both sexes, who, on certain occasions, gathered 
 together to dance about a large room with violent 
 gesticulation, and try to outdress each other. 
 " In short," said he, " if you wish to see the na- 
 tives in all their glory, there's no place like the 
 City Assembly ; so you must go there, and sport 
 your whiskers." Though the matter of sporting 
 my whiskers was considerably above my appre- 
 hension, yet I now began, as I thought, to under- 
 stand him. I had heard of the war dances of 
 the natives, which are a kind of religious institu- 
 tion, and had little doubt but that this must be a 
 solemnity of the kind — upon a prodio;ious great 
 scale. Anxious as I am to contemplate these 
 strange people in every situation, I willingly ac- 
 ceded to his proposal, and to be the more at ease, 
 I determined to lay aside my Turkish dress, and 
 appear in plain garments of the fashion of this 
 country, as is my custom whenever I wish to 
 minofle in a crowd without excitino;^ the attention 
 of the gaping multitude. 
 
 It was lonoj after the shades of nio-ht had fal- 
 len before my friend appeared to conduct me to 
 the assembly. " These infidels," thought I, 
 " shroud themselves in mystery, and seek the 
 aid of gloom and darkness, to heighten the so- 
 lemnity of their pious orgies." Resolving to 
 conduct myself with that decent respect, which 
 every stranger owes to the customs of the land 
 in which he sojourns, I chastised my features into 
 an expression of sober reverence, and stretched 
 ray face into a degree of longitude suitable to 
 Uie ceremony I was about to witness. Spite of 
 
424 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 myself, I felt an emotion of awe stealing over my 
 senses as I approached the majestic pile. My 
 imagination pictured something similar to a de- 
 scent into the cave of Dom-Daniel, where the nec- 
 romancers of the East are taudit their infernal 
 arts. I entered with the same gravity of de- 
 meanor that I would have approached the holy 
 temple at Mecca, and bowed my head three times 
 as I passed the threshold. " Head of -the mighty 
 Amrou ! " thought I, on being ushered into a 
 splendid saloon, '' what a display is here ! surely 
 I am transported to the mansions of the Houris, 
 the elysium of the faithful 1 " — How tame ap- 
 peared all the descriptions of enchanted palaces 
 in our Arabian poetry! — wherever I turned my 
 eyes, the quick glances of beauty dazzled my vis- 
 ion and ravished my heart ; lovely virgins flut- 
 tered by me, darting imperial looks of conquest, 
 or beaming such smiles of invitation, as did Ga- 
 briel when he beckoned our holy prophet to 
 Heaven. Shall I own the weakness of thy 
 friend, good Muley ? — while thus gazing on the 
 enchanted scene before me, 1, for a moment, for- 
 got my country ; and even the memory of my 
 three-and-twenty wives faded from my heart ; my 
 thoughts were bewildered and led astray by the 
 charms of these bewitching savages, and I sunk, 
 for a while, into that delicious state of mind, 
 where the senses, all enchanted, and all striving 
 for mastery, produce an endless variety of tumul- 
 tuous, yet pleasing emotions. O Muley, never 
 shall I again wonder that an infidel should prove a 
 recreant to the single solitary wife allotted him, 
 
THE CITY ASSEMBLY. 425 
 
 when, even thy friend, armed with all the pre- 
 cepts of Mahomet, can so easily prove faithless 
 to three-and-twenty. 
 
 " Whither have you led me ? " said I, at length, 
 to my companion, " and to whom do these beau- 
 tiful creatures belong ? Certainly this must be 
 the seraglio of the grand bashaw of the city, and 
 a most happy bashaw must he be, to possess 
 treasures which even his highness of Tripoli can- 
 not parallel." 
 
 " Have a care," cried my companion, " how 
 you talk about seraglios, or you'll have all these 
 gentle nymphs about your ears ; for seraglio is a 
 word which, beyond all others, they abhor. Most 
 of them," continued he, " have no lord and mas- 
 ter, but come here to catch one — they're in the 
 market, as we term it." 
 
 "Ah, hah!" said I, exultingly, "then you 
 really have a fair, or slave-market, such as we 
 have in the East, where the faithful are provided 
 with the choicest virgins of Georgia and Circas- 
 sia? — by our glorious sun of Afric, but I should 
 like to select some ten or a dozen wives from so 
 lovely an assemblage ! Pray, what would you 
 suppose they might be bought for ? " — 
 
 Before I could receive an answer, my attention 
 was attracted by two or three good-looking, mid- 
 dle-sized men, who, being dressed in black, a color 
 universally worn in this country by the muftis 
 and dervises, I immediately concluded to be high- 
 priests, and was confirmed in my original opinion 
 that this was a leligious ceremony. These rev- 
 erciiil personages are entitled managers, and en- 
 
426 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 joyed unlimited authority in the assemblies, being 
 armed with swords, with which, I am told, they 
 would infallibly put any lady to death, who in- 
 fringed the laws of the temple. They walked 
 round the room with great solemnity, and, with 
 an air of profound importance and mystery, put 
 a little piece of folded paper in each fair hand, 
 which I concluded were reHsious talismans. One 
 of them dropped on the floor, whereupon I slily 
 put my foot on it, and, watching an opportunity, 
 picked it up unobserved, and found it to contain 
 some unintelligible words, and the mj-stic number 
 9. What were its virtues I know not ; except 
 that I put it in my pocket, and have hitherto 
 been preserved from my fit of the lumbago, which 
 I generally have about this season of the year, 
 ever since I tumbled into the well of Zim-zim on 
 my pilgrimage to Mecca. I inclose it to thee in 
 this letter, presuming it to be particularly ser- 
 viceable against the dangers of thy profession. 
 
 Shortly after the distribution of these talis- 
 mans, one of the high-priests stalked into the 
 middle of the room with great majesty, and 
 clapped his hands three times ; a loud explosion 
 of music succeeded from a number of black, yel- 
 low, and white musicians, perched in a kind of 
 cage over the grand entrance. The company 
 were thereupon thrown into great confusion and 
 apparent consternation. They hurried to and 
 fro about the room, and at length formed them- 
 selves into little groups of eight persons, half 
 male and half females; the music struck into 
 something like harmony, and. in a moment, to ray 
 
THE DIVINITY. 427 
 
 utter astonishment and dismay, tliey were all 
 seized with what I concluded to be a paroxysm 
 of religious phrenzy, tossing about their heads in 
 a ludicrous style from side to side, and indulging 
 in extravagant contortions of figure ; now throw- 
 ing their heels into the air, and anon whirling 
 round with the velocity of the eastern idolaters, 
 who think they pay a grateful homage to the sun 
 by imitating his motions. I expected every mo- 
 ment to see them fall down in convulsions, foam 
 at the mouth, and shriek with fancied inspiration. 
 As usual, the women seemed most fervent in 
 their religious exercises, and performed them 
 with a melancholy expression of feature that was 
 peculiarly touching ; but I was highly gratified 
 by the exemplary conduct of several male devo- 
 tees, who, though their gesticulations would inti- 
 mate a wild merriment of the feelings, maintained 
 throughout as inflexible a gravity of countenance 
 as so many monkeys of the island of Borneo at 
 their antics. 
 
 " And pray," said I, " who is the divinity that 
 presides in this splendid mosque ? " 
 
 " The divinity ! — O, I understand — you 
 mean the helle of the evening; we have a new 
 one every season ; the one at present in fashion, 
 is that lady you see yonder, dressed in white, 
 with pink ribbons, and a crowd of adorers 
 around her." 
 
 " Truly," cried I, " this is the pleasantest deity 
 I have encountered in the whole course of my 
 travels — so familiar, so condescending, and so 
 !ner)-y withal; why, her very worshippers take 
 her by ihe hand, and whisper in her ear.' 
 
428 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 " My good Mussulman," replied my friend, with 
 great gravity, '• I perceive you are completely iu 
 an error concerning the intent of this ceremony. 
 You are now in a place of public amusement, 
 not of public worship; and the pretty looking 
 young men you see making such violent and gro- 
 tesque distortions, are merely indulging in our 
 favorite amusement of dancins." 
 
 " I cry your mercy," exclaimed I, " these then 
 are the dancing men and women of the town, 
 such as we have in our principal cities, who hire 
 themselves out for the entertainment of the 
 wealthy; but, pray, who pays them for this fa- 
 tio;uinor exhibition ? " 
 
 My friend regarded me for a moment with an 
 air of whimsical perplexity, as if doubting 
 whether I was in jest or earnest. " ' Sblood, 
 man," cried he, " these are some of our greatest 
 people, our fashionables, who are merely dancing 
 here for amusement." 
 
 Dancing for amusement ! think of that, Mu- 
 ley ! — thou, whose greatest pleasure is to chew 
 opium, smoke tobacco, loll on a couch, and doze 
 thyself into the regions of the Houris ! — Dan- 
 cing for amusement ! — shall I never cease having 
 occasion to lauoh at the absurdities of these bar- 
 barians, who are laborious in their recreations, 
 and indolent only in their hours of business ? 
 Dancing for amusement ! — the very idea makes 
 my bones ache, and I never think of it without 
 being obliged to apply my handkerchief to my 
 forehead, and fan myself into some degree of 
 coolness. 
 
HUMAN PUPPETS. 429 
 
 " And pray," said I, when my astonishment 
 had a little subsided, " do these musicians also 
 toil for amusement, or are they confined to their 
 cage, like birds, to sing for the gratification of 
 others ? I should think the former was the case, 
 from the animation with which they flourish their 
 elbows." 
 
 " Not so," replied my friend, " they are well 
 paid, which is no jnore than just, for I assure you 
 they are the most important personages in the 
 room. The fiddler puts the whole assembly in 
 motion, and directs their movements, like the 
 master of a puppet-show, who sets all his paste- 
 board gentry kicking by a jerk of his fingers. 
 There now, look at that dapper little gentle- 
 man yonder, who appears to be suffering the 
 pangs of dislocation in every limb : he is the 
 most expert puppet in the room, and performs, 
 not so much for his own amusement, as for that 
 of the bystanders." Just then, tlie little gentle- 
 man, having finished one of his paroxysms of ac- 
 tivity, seemed to be looking round for applause 
 from the spectators. Feeling myself really much 
 obliged to him for his exertions, I made him a 
 low bow of thanks, but nobody followed my ex- 
 ample, which I thought a singular instance of in- 
 gratitude. 
 
 Thou wilt perceive, friend Muley, that the 
 dancino^ of these barbarians is totallv different 
 from the science professed by thee in Tripoli ; 
 the country, in fact, is afilicted by numerous epi- 
 demical diseases, which travel from house to 
 house, from city to city, with the regularity of a 
 
430 ISALMAGUNBI. 
 
 caravan. Among these, the most formidable is 
 this dancing mania, which prevails chiefly through- 
 out the winter. It at first seized on a few peo- 
 ple of fashion, and being indulged m moderation, 
 was a cheerful exercise ; but in a little time, by 
 quick advances, it infected all classes of the com- 
 munity, and became a raging epidemic. The 
 doctors immediately, as is their usual way, in- 
 stead of devising a remedy, fell together by the 
 ears, to decide whether it was native or imported, 
 and the sticklers for the latter opinion traced it 
 to a cargo of trumpery from France, as they had 
 before hunted down the yellow fever to a bag of 
 coffee from the West Indies. What makes this 
 disease the more formidable is, that the patients 
 seem infatuated with their malady, abandon them- 
 selves to its unbounded ravages, and expose their 
 persons to wintry storms and midnight airs — 
 more fatal, in this capricious climate, than the 
 withering Simoom blast of the desert. 
 
 I know not whether it is a sight most whimsi- 
 cal or melancholy to witness a fit of this dancing 
 malady. The lady hops up to the gentleman, 
 who stands at the distance of about three paces, 
 and then capers back again to her place ; the 
 gentleman, of course, does the same ; then they 
 skip one way, then they jump another ; then they 
 turn their backs to each other ; then they seize 
 each other and shake hands ; then they whirl 
 round, and throw themselves into a thousand gro- 
 tesque and ridiculous attitudes — sometimes on 
 one leg, sometimes on the other, and sometimes 
 on no leg at all — and this they call exhibiting 
 
EFFECTS OF DANCING. 431 
 
 the graces ! By the nineteen thousand capers of 
 the great mountebank of Damascus, but these 
 graces must be something like the crooked-back 
 dwarf, Shabrac, who is sometimes permitted to 
 amuse His Highness by imitating the tricks of a 
 monkey. These fits continue at short intervals 
 for four or five hours, till at last the lady is led 
 off, faint, languid, exhausted, and panting, to her 
 carriage ; rattles home ; passes a night of feverish 
 restlessness, cold perspirations, and troubled sleep ; 
 rises late next morning, if she rises at all, is ner- 
 vous, petulant, or a prey to languid indifference 
 all day — a mere household spectre, neither giv- 
 ing nor receiving enjoyment — in the evening 
 hurries to another dance ; receives an unnatural 
 exhilaration from the lights, the music, the crowd, 
 and the unmeaning bustle ; flutters, sparkles, 
 and blooms for a while until, the transient delir- 
 ium being past, the infatuated maid droops and 
 languishes into apathy again ; is again led off to 
 her carriage, and the next morning rises to go 
 through exactly the same joyless routine. 
 
 And yet, wilt thou believe it, my dear Raggi, 
 these are rational beings — nay, more, their coun- 
 trymen would fain persuade me they have souls ! 
 Is it not a thousand times to be lamented that 
 beings, endowed with charms that might warm 
 even the frigid heart of a dervise — with social 
 and endearing powers that would render them the 
 joy and pride of tlie harem — should surrender 
 themselves to a habit of heartless dissipation, 
 which preys imperceptibly on the roses of the 
 cheek — which robs the eye of its lustre, the 
 
432 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 mouth of its dimpled smile, the spirits of their 
 cheerful hilarity, and the limbs of their elastic 
 vigor — which hurries them off in the spring-time 
 of existence ; or, if they survive, yields to the 
 arms of a youthful bridegroom a frame wrecked 
 in the storms of dissipation, and struggling with 
 premature infirmity. Alas, Muley ! may I not 
 ascribe to this cause, the number of little old 
 women I meet with in this country from the age 
 of eighteen to eight-and-twenty. 
 
 In sauntering down the room, my attention 
 was attracted by a smoky painting, which, on 
 nearer examination, I found consisted of two fe- 
 male figures crowning a bust with a wreath of lau- 
 rel. " This, I suppose," cried I, " was some 
 famous dancer in his time ? " 
 
 " 0, no," replied my friend, " he was only a 
 general." 
 
 " Good ; but then he must have been great at 
 a cotillon, or expert at a fiddlestick, or why is his 
 memorial here ? " 
 
 " Quite the contrary," answered my compan- 
 ion, " history makes no mention of his ever hav- 
 ing flourished a fiddlestick, or figured in n single 
 dance. You have, no doubt, heard of him ; he 
 was the illustrious Washington, the father and 
 deliverer of his country ; and as our nation is re- 
 markable for gratitude to great men, it always 
 does honor to their memory, by placing their 
 monuments over the doors of taverns, or in the 
 corners of dancing rooms." 
 
 From thence my friend and I strolled into a 
 Bmall apartment adjoining the grand saloon, 
 
STUDYING HIEROGLYPHICS. 433 
 
 where I beheld a number of grave-looking per- 
 sons, with venerable gray heads, but without 
 beards, which I thought very unbecoming, seated 
 around a table, studying hieroglyphics. I ap- 
 proached them with reverence, as so many magi, 
 or learned men, endeavoring to expound the mys- 
 teries of Egyptian science. Several of them 
 threw down money, which I supposed was a re- 
 ward proposed for some great discovery, when 
 presently one of them spread his hieroglyphics on 
 the table and exclaimed triumphantly, "■ Two bul- 
 lets and a braggCr ! " and swept all the money into 
 his pocket. He has discovered a key to the 
 hieroglyphics, thought I ; happy mortal ! no doubt 
 his name will be immortalized. Willing, how- 
 ever, to be satisfied, I looked round on vay com- 
 panion with an inquiring eye. He understood 
 me, and informed me that these were a company 
 of friends, who had met together to win each 
 other's money, and be agreeable. "Is that all ? " 
 exclaimed I, " why, then, I pray you, make way, 
 and let me escape from this temple of abomina- 
 tions, or who knows but these people, who meet 
 together to toil, worry, and fatigue themselves to 
 death, and give it the name of pleasure — and 
 who win each other's money by way of being 
 agreeable — may some one of them take a liking 
 to me, and pick my pocket, or break my head in 
 a paroxysm of hearty good-will ! " 
 
 Thy friend, 
 
 MUSTAPHA. 
 
 28 
 
434 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 
 
 ' Nunc est bibendurn nunc pede libero 
 Pulsanda tell us." Hor. 
 
 " Now is the time for wine and myrthful sportes, 
 For daunce, and song, and disportes of sych sortes." 
 
 Linh. Fid. 
 
 THE winter campaign has opened. Fashion 
 has summoned lier nvmierous legions at the 
 sound of trumpet, tambourine, and drum, and all 
 the harmonious minstrelsy of the orchestra, to 
 hasten from the dull, silent, and insipid glades and 
 groves, where they have vegetated during the 
 summer, recovering from tlie ravages of the last 
 winter's campaign. Our fair ones have hurried 
 to town, eager to pay their devotions to the 
 tutelary deity, and to make an offering at her 
 shrine of the few pale and transient roses they 
 gathered in their healthful retreat. The fiddler 
 rosins his bow, the card-table devotee is shuffling 
 her pack ; tlie young ladies are industriously 
 spangling muslins, and the tea-party heroes are 
 airing their chapeaux bras and pea-blossom 
 breeches, to prepare for figuring in the gay circle 
 of smiles, and graces, and beauty. Now the fine 
 lady forgets her country friends, in the hurry of 
 fashionable engagements, or receives the simple 
 intruder, who has foolishly accepted her thousand 
 pressing invitations, with such politeness that the 
 poor soul determines never to come again. Now 
 the gay buck, who erst figured at Ballston, and 
 quaffed the pure spring, exchanges the sparkling 
 
C ORRESP ON DEN CE. 435 
 
 water for still more sparkling champagne, and 
 deserts the nymph of the fountain, to enlist under 
 the standard of jolly Bacchus. In short, now is 
 the important time of the year - in which to 
 harangue the bon-ton reader, and, like some 
 ancient hero in front of the battle, to spirit him 
 up to deeds of noble daring, or still more noble 
 suffering, ni the ranks of fashionable warfare. 
 
 Such, indeed, has been my intention, but the 
 number of cases which have lately come before 
 me, and the variety of complaints 1 have received 
 from a crowd of honest and well-meaning cor- 
 respondents, call for more immediate attention. 
 A host of appeals, petitions, and letters of advice 
 are now before me, and I believe the shortest 
 way to satisfy my petitioners, memorialists, and 
 advisers, will be to publish their letters, as I 
 suspect the object of most of them is merely to 
 get into print. 
 
 to anthony evergreen gent. 
 Sir: — 
 
 As you appear to have taken to yourself the 
 trouble of meddling in the concerns of the beau 
 monde, I take the liberty of appealing to you on 
 a subject which, though considered merely as a 
 very good joke, has occasioned me great vexation 
 and expense. You must know I pride myself 
 on being very useful to the ladies — that is, I 
 take boxes for them at the theatre, go shopping 
 with them, supply them with bouquets, and fur- 
 nish them with novels from the circulating 
 library. In consequence of these attentions 1 am 
 
43 G SAL MA G VXD I. 
 
 become a great favorite, and there is seldom a 
 party eoiog on in the city without my h-avins^ an 
 inritaiiou. The grievance I have to mention, is 
 the exchange erf hats which takes place on these 
 occasions — for, to speak my mind freely, tliere 
 are certain young gentlemen who seem to con- 
 sider fashionable parties as mere places to barter 
 old clothes : and. I am informed, that a number 
 of them manage, by this great system of exchange, 
 to keep their crowns decently covered without 
 their hatter suffering in the least by it. 
 
 It was but lately that I went to a private ball 
 with a new hat, and on returning in the latter 
 part of the evening, and asking tor it, the scoun- 
 drel of a servant, with a broad grin, informed me, 
 that the new hats had been dealt out half an hour 
 since, and they were then on the third quality, 
 and I was in the end obhged to borrow a young 
 lady's beaver rather than go home with any of the 
 ragcred remnants that were left, 
 
 Xow, I would wish to know if there is no pos- 
 sibility of having these offenders punished by law ; 
 and whether it would not be advisable for ladies 
 to mention in their cards of invitation, as a post- 
 sonpt. '•stealing of hats and shawls positively pro- 
 hibited." At any rate, I would thank you. Mr. 
 Evergreen, to discountenance the thing totally, by 
 publishing in your paper that stealing a hat is no 
 joke. Your humble servant, 
 
 Walter Withers. 
 
 My correspondent is informed, that the police 
 have determined to take this matter into con- 
 
^V ACCIDENT. 431 
 
 nderstioD, and ha^e set apart Satnrdaj nomiiiga 
 for the cosmizaoce of fawbionaMe larcenies. 
 
 Mb- EvZEGREEJf: 
 
 SlK — Do TOO think a married woman maj 
 lawfollj pat her husband right in a story, before 
 strangers, when she knows him to be in the 
 wrong ; and can anything aaihorize a wife in the 
 exdamatioii of — ~ Lord, m v dear, how can voa 
 say so ! " Mabgaeet TiXiOX. 
 
 Deab Axthoxt : — 
 
 Goin? do^^rn Broad Wciv this monm^ in a 
 ^reat harry, I ran full against an object wluch at 
 firs; pat me to a prodigious nooplns. Obeerfing 
 it to be dressed in a man's hat. a cloth OTercoat, 
 and spatterdashes. T framed my apology accord- 
 in^lv. exclaiming. ~ My dear sir. I ask ten thou- 
 sand pardons — I assure you. sir. it was entirely 
 accidental — pray excuse me. sir." etc At every 
 one of these excuses, the thing answered me with 
 a downright laugh : at which I was not a little 
 surprised. imtiL on resorting to mj pocket-gbss. I 
 discovered that it was do other than mj old 
 acquaintaiM?e. Oarinda TroDopL I nerw was 
 more chagrined in my life ; for. being an old 
 bachelor, I like to i^>pear as yoong as possible, 
 and am always boasting of the goodness oi my 
 eyes- I beg of yttn. Mr. Evergreen, if yon have 
 any feeling tor your eoutemporuries. to discourage 
 this hermaphro«lite mode of dress : for really, if 
 the &shion take, we poor bachelors will be uttoly 
 
438 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 at a loss to distinguish a woman from a man. 
 Pray let me know your opinion, sir, whether a 
 lady who wears a man's hat and spatterdashes 
 before marriage, may not be apt to usurp some 
 other article of his dress afterward. 
 Your humble servant, 
 
 Roderick Worry. 
 
 Dear Mr. Eyergreex : — 
 
 The other night, at Richard the Third, I sat 
 behind three gentlemen who talked very loud on 
 the subject of Richard's wooing Lady Ann 
 directly in the face of his crimes against that 
 lady. One of them declared such an unnatural 
 scene would be hooted at in China. Pray, sir, 
 w^as that Mr. Wizard ? 
 
 Selina Badger. 
 
 P. S. The gentleman I allude to had a pocket- 
 glass, and wore his hair fastened behind by a 
 tortoise-shell comb, with two teeth wanting. 
 
 Mr. Evergrin : — 
 
 Sir — Beincr a little curious in the affairs of 
 the toilette, I was much interested by the sage 
 Mustapha's remarks, in your last number, con- 
 cerning the art of manufacturing a modern fine 
 lady. I would have you caution your fair 
 readers, however, to be very careful in the 
 management of their machinery, as a deplorable 
 accident happened, last assembly, in consequence 
 of the architecture of a lady's figure not being 
 sufficiently strong. In the middle of one of the 
 
A LADTS ARCHITECTURE. 439 
 
 cotillons, the company was suddenly alarmed by a 
 tremendous crash at the lower end of the room ; 
 and on crowding to the place, discovered that it 
 was a fine figure which had unfortunately broken 
 down from two great exertion in a pigeon wing. 
 By great good luck I secured the corset, which 1 
 carried home in triumph ; and the next morning 
 had it pubHcly dissected, and a lecture read on it 
 at Surgeon's Hall. I have since commenced a 
 dissertation on the subject, in which I shall treat 
 of the superiority of those figures manufactured by 
 steel, stap-tape, and whale-bone, to those formed 
 by Dame Nature. I shall show clearly that the 
 Venus de Medicis has no pretension to beauty of 
 form, as she never wore stays, and her waist is in 
 exact proportion to the rest of her body. I shall 
 inquire into the mysteries of compression, and how 
 tight a figure can be laced without danger of 
 fainting, and whether it would not be advisable 
 for a lady, when dressing for a ball, to be attended 
 by the family physician, as culprits are when 
 tortured on the rack, to know how much more 
 nature will endure. I shall prove that ladies 
 have discovered the secret of that notorious jug- 
 gler, who offered to squeeze himself into a quart 
 bottle ; and I shall demonstrate, to the satisfaction 
 of every fashionable reader, that there is a certain 
 degree of heroism in purchasing a preposterously 
 slender waist at the expense of an old age of* 
 decrepitude and rheumatics. This dissertation 
 shall be published, as soon as finished, and dis- 
 tributed gratis among boarding-school madams, 
 and all worthy matrons who are ambitious that 
 
440 SAL MA G rXD /. 
 
 their daughters should sir straight, move like 
 clock-work and ~ do credit to their bringing op.'' 
 In the mean time, I have hun^ up the skeleton of 
 the corset in the museum beside a dissected wea- 
 sel and a stuffed alligator, where it mav be 
 inspected by all those naturalists who are tbnd of 
 studying the *• human form dirine.^ 
 
 Yours, etc 
 
 JrLIA>' COGXOUS. 
 
 P. S. Bv accurate calculation I find it is dan- 
 gerous for a fine figure, when full dressed, to 
 pronounce a word of more than three svllabies. 
 Fiue Figure, if in love, may indulge in a gentle 
 sigh ; but a sob is hazardous. Fine Figure may 
 smile with safety, may even venture as far as a 
 giggle ; but must never risk a loud laugh. Figure 
 must never play the part of a confidante ; as at a 
 tea-party, some fine evenings since, a young lady 
 whose unparalleled impalpability of waist was the 
 envy of the drawing-room, burst with an impor- 
 tant secret, and had three ribs — of her corset ■ — 
 fractured on the spot. 
 
 Me- Evi:egree>- : — 
 
 Sib — I am one of those industrious gemmen 
 who labor hard to obtain currency in the fashion- 
 able world. I have went to great expense in 
 little boots, short vests and long breeches ; my 
 coat is regularly imported, per stage, from Phila- 
 delphia, duly insured against all risks, and my 
 boots are smuggled from Bond Street. I have 
 lounged in Broadway with one of the most 
 
NOTORIETY. 441 
 
 crooked walking-sticks I could procure, and have 
 sported a pair of salmon-colored small clothes, 
 and flame-colored stockings, at everv concert and 
 ball to which I could purchase admission. Being 
 affeared that 1 might possibly appear to less ad- 
 vantage as a pedesterian, in consequence of my 
 being rather short and a Iktle bainly, I have lately 
 hired a tall horse with croppeii ears and a cocked 
 tail, on which 1 have joined the cavalcade of 
 pretty gemmen, who exhibit bright stirrups every 
 fine morning in Broadway, and take a canter of 
 two miles per day. at the rate of three hundred 
 dollars per annum. But, sir, all this expense has 
 been laid oat in vain, for I can scarcely get a 
 partner at an assembly, or an invitation to a tea- 
 party. Pray. sir. inform me what more I can do 
 to acquire admission into the true stylish circles, 
 and whether it would not be advisable to charter 
 a curricle for a month, and have my cipher put on 
 it, as is done by certain dashers of my acquain- 
 tance. Yours to serve, 
 
 MaT.VQLIQ DUBaTEK. 
 
 TEA. 
 
 FEOil XKE MILL OF PCfDAB COCKLOFT, ESQ. 
 
 dmd earmesSy raxmaumded to tie aSemtiom of Miideru of a 
 certain agt. 
 
 OLD time, my dear girls, is a knave who in truth 
 From the fairest of beauties will pilfer their 
 youth; 
 
442 SALMAGUNDL 
 
 Who, by constant attention and wily deceit, 
 Forever is coaxing some grace to retreat ; 
 And, like crafty seducer, with subtle approach, 
 The further indulged, will still further encroach. 
 Since this " thief of the world " has made otF with 
 
 your bloom, 
 And left you some score of stale years in its 
 
 room — 
 Has depriv'd you of all those gay dreams, that 
 
 would dance 
 In your brains at fifteen, and your bosoms en- 
 trance ; 
 And has forced you almost to renounce, in despair, 
 The hope of a husband's affection and care — 
 Since such is the case, and a case rather hard ! 
 Permit one who holds you in special regard, 
 To furnish such hints in your loveless estate 
 As may shelter your names from distraction and 
 
 hate. 
 Too often our maidens grow aged, I ween, 
 Indulge to excess in the workings of spleen ; 
 And at times, when annoy'd by the slights of man- 
 kind. 
 Work off their resentment — by speaking their 
 
 mind : 
 Assemble together in snuff-taking clan. 
 And hold round the tea-urn a solemn divan. 
 A convention of tattle — a tea-party hight, 
 Which, like meeting of witches, is brew'd up at 
 
 night. 
 Where each matron arrives, fraught with tales 
 
 of surprise, 
 With knowing suspicion and doubtful surmise ; 
 
TEA: A POEM. 443 
 
 Like the broomstick-whirl'd hags that appear in 
 
 Macbeth, 
 Each bearing some relic of venom or death, 
 " To stir up the toil and to double the trouble, 
 That fire may burn, and that cauldron may bub- 
 ble." 
 When the party commences, all starch'd and 
 all glum. 
 They talk of the weather, their corns, or sit mum : 
 They will tell you of cambric, of ribbons, of lace. 
 How cheap they were sold — and will name you 
 
 the place. 
 They discourse of their colds, and they hem and 
 
 they cough. 
 And complain of their servants to pass the time 
 
 off; 
 Or list to the tale of some doting mamma. 
 How her ten weeks old baby will laugh and say 
 taa! 
 But tea, that enlivener of wit and of soul — 
 More loquacious by far than the draughts of the 
 
 bowl, 
 Soon unloosens the tongue and enlivens the mind, 
 And enlightens their eyes to the faults of man- 
 kind. 
 'Twas thus with the Pythia, who served at the 
 fount 
 That flow'd near the far-famed Parnassian mount, 
 While the steam was inhal'd of the sulphuric 
 
 spring. 
 Her vision expanded, her fancy took wing : — 
 By its aid she pronounced the oracular will 
 That Apollo commanded his sons to fulfill. 
 
444 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 But alas ! the sad vestal, performing the rite, 
 Appeared like a demon — terrific to sight.. 
 
 E'en the priests of Apollo averted their eyes, 
 And the temple of Delphi resounded her cries. 
 But quitting the nymph of the tripod of yore, 
 We return to the dames of the tea-pot once more. 
 In harmless chit-chat an acquaintance they 
 roast, 
 And serve up a friend, as they serve up a toast ; 
 Some gentle faux pas, or some female mistake. 
 Is like sweetmeats delicious, or relished as cake ; 
 A bit of broad scandal is like a dry crust, 
 It would stick in the throat, so they butter it first 
 With a little affected good-nature, and cry 
 " Nobody regrets the thing deeper than 1." 
 Our young ladies nibble a good name in play 
 As for pastime they nibble a biscuit away : 
 While with shrugs and surmises, the toothless old 
 
 dame, 
 As she mumbles a crust she will mumble a name. 
 And as the fell sisters astonished the Scot, 
 In predicting of Banquo's descendants the lot, 
 Making shadows of kings, amid flashes of light 
 To appear in array and to frown in his sight, 
 So they conjure up spectres all hideous in hue. 
 Which, as shades of their neighbors, are passed 
 in review. 
 The wives of our cits of inferior degree. 
 Will soak up repute in a little bohea ; 
 The potion is vulgar, and vulgar the slang 
 With which on their neighbors' defects they ha- 
 rangue ; 
 But the scandal improves, a refinement in wrong; 
 
REPUTATIONS AND TEA. 445 
 
 As our matrons are richer and rise to souchonor. 
 With hyson — a beverage that's still more refin'd, 
 Our ladies of fashion enliven their mind, 
 And by nods, innuendoes, and hints, and what 
 
 not, 
 Reputations and tea send together to pot. 
 While madam in cambrics and laces array 'd 
 With her plate and her liveries in splendid pa- 
 rade, 
 Will drink in imperial a friend at a sup, 
 Or in gunpowder blow them by dozens all up. 
 Ah me! how I groan when with full swelling sail 
 Wafted stately along by the favoring gale, 
 A China ship proudly arrives in our bay, 
 Displaying her streamers and blazing away, 
 O ! more fell to our port, is the cargo she bears, 
 Than grenadoes, torpedoes, or warlike affairs : 
 Each chest is a bombshell thrown into our town 
 To shatter repute and bring character down. 
 Ye Samquas, ye Chinquas, ye Chouquas, so 
 
 free, 
 Who discharge on our coast your cursed quan- 
 
 tums of tea, 
 O think, as ye waft the sad weed from your 
 
 strand, 
 Of the plagues and vexations ye deal to our 
 
 land. 
 As the Upas' dread breath, o'er the plain where it 
 
 flies, 
 Empoisons and blasts each green blade that may 
 
 rise, 
 So wherever the leaves of your shrubs find their 
 
 way, 
 
446 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 The social affections soon suffer decay : 
 
 Like to Java's drear waste they embarren the 
 heart, 
 
 Till the blossoms of love and of friendship de- 
 part. 
 Ah, ladies, and was it by heaven design'd, 
 
 That ye should be merciful, loving and kind ? 
 
 Did it form you like angels, and send you below 
 
 To prophesy peace — to bid charity flow ? 
 
 And have ye just left your primeval estate, 
 
 And wandered so widely — so strangely of late ? 
 
 Alas ! the sad cause I too plainly can see — 
 
 These evils have all come upon you through tea ? 
 
 Cursed weed, that can make our faint spirits 
 resign 
 
 The character mild of their mission divine ; 
 
 That can blot from their bosoms that tenderness 
 true, 
 
 Which from female to female forever is due ! 
 
 O how nice is the texture — how fragile the 
 frame 
 
 Of that delicate blossom, a female's fair fame ! 
 
 'Tis the sensitive plant, it recoils from the breath 
 
 And shrinks from the touch as if pregnant with 
 death. 
 
 How often, how often, has innocence sigh'd ; 
 
 Has beauty been reft of its honor — its pride ; 
 
 Has virtue, though pure fis an angel of light, 
 
 Been painted as dark as a demon of night : 
 
 All offer'd up victims, an auto de fe, 
 
 At the gloomy cabals — the dark orgies of tea ! 
 If I, in tlie remnant that's left me of life, 
 
 Am to suffer the torments of slanderous strife, 
 
TEA-PARTY CLACK. 
 
 447 
 
 Let me fall, I implore, in the slang-whangers 
 
 claw, 
 Where the evil is open, and subject to law. 
 Not nibbled, and mumbled, and put to the rack, 
 By the sly underminings of tea-party clack : 
 Condemn me, ye gods, to a newspaper roasting, 
 But spare me ! O, spare me, a tea- table toast- 
 
 ing! 
 
NO. XX. — MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 1808. 
 FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 
 
 ** Extremum hunc mihi concede laborem." — Vii'g. 
 " Soft you, a word or two before we part." 
 
 IN this season of festivity, when the gate 
 of time swings open on its hinges, and 
 an honest rosy-faced New Year comes 
 waddling in, like a jolly fat-sided alderman, loaded 
 with good wishes, good humor, and minced pies, 
 — at this joyous era it has been the custom, from 
 time immemorial, in this ancient and respectable 
 city, for periodical writers, from reverend, grave, 
 and potent essayists like ourselves, down to the 
 humble but industrious editors of magazines, re- 
 views, and newspape' 3, to tcnd-^r their subscribers 
 the compliments of the season ; and when they 
 have slily thawed their hearts with a little of the 
 sunshine of flattery, to conclude by delicately 
 dunning them for their arrears of subscription 
 mone}'. In like manner the caniers of newspa- 
 pers, who undoubtedly belong to the ancient and 
 honorable order of literati, do regularly at the 
 commencement of the year, salute their patrons 
 with abundance of excellent advice, conveyed ia 
 exceedingly good poetry, for which the aforesaid 
 
NEW YEAR CIVILITIES. 449 
 
 good-natured patrons are well pleased to pay them 
 exactly twenty- five cents. In vvalking the streets 
 I am every day saluted with good wishes from old 
 gray-headed negroes, whom I never recollect to 
 have seen before ; and it was but a few days ago, 
 that I was called to receive the compliments of 
 an ugly old woman, who last spring was em- 
 ployed by Mrs. Cockloft to whitewash my room 
 and put things in order ; a phrase which, if 
 rightly understood, means little else than huddling 
 everything into holes and corners, so that if I 
 want to find any particular article, it is, in the 
 language of a humble but expressive saying — 
 " looking for a needle in a haystack." Not rec- 
 ognizing my visitor, I demanded by what au- 
 thority she wished me a " Happy New Year ! '' 
 Her claim was one of the weakest she could 
 have urged, for I have an innate and mortal 
 antipathy to this custom of putting things to 
 rights ; so giving the old witch a pistareen, I 
 desired her forthwith to mount her broomstick, 
 and ride off as fast as possible. 
 
 Of all the various ranks of society, the bakers 
 alone, to their immortal honor be it recorded, de- 
 part from this practice of making a market of 
 congratulations ; and in addition to always allow- 
 ing thirteen to the dozen, do with great liberality, 
 instead of drawing on the purses of their custom- 
 ers at the New Year, present them with divers 
 large, fair, spiced cakes ; which, like the shield 
 of Achilles, or an Egyptian obelisk, are adorned 
 
 with figures of a variety of strange animals, that, 
 29 
 
450 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 in their conformation, out-raarvel all the wild 
 wonders of nature. 
 
 This honest gray-beard custom of setting apart 
 a certain portion of this good-for-nothing exist- 
 ence for the purposes of cordiality, social merri- 
 ment, and good-cheer, is one of the inestimable 
 relics handed down to us from our worthy Dutch 
 ancestors. In perusing one of the manuscripts 
 from my worthy grandfather's mahogany chest 
 of drawers, I find the New Year was celebrated 
 with great festivity during that golden age of our 
 city, when the reins of government were held by 
 the renowned Rip Van Dam, who always did 
 honor to the season by seeing out the old year ; 
 a ceremony which consisted in plying his guests 
 with bumpers, until not one of them was capable 
 of seeing. " Truly," observes my grandfather, 
 who was generally of these parties, — " Truly, 
 he was a most stately and magnificent burgomas- 
 ter ! inasmuch, as he did right lustily carouse it 
 with his friends about New Year ; roasting huge 
 quantities of turkeys ; baking innumerable minced 
 pies ; and smacking the lips of all fair ladies the 
 which he did meet, with such sturdy emphasis that 
 the same might ha 'e been heard the distance of 
 a stone's throw." In his days, according to my 
 grandfather, first were invented these notable cakes, 
 bight new-year-cookies, which originally were 
 impressed on one side with the honest burly 
 countenance of the illustrious Rip ; and on the 
 other with that of the noted St. Nicholas, vulgarly 
 called Santa Claus, of all the saints of the calen- 
 dar the most venerated by true Hollanders and 
 
NEW YEAR FESTIVITY. 451 
 
 their unsophisticated descendants. These cakes 
 are to this time given on the first of January to 
 all visitors, togetlier with a glass of cherry- 
 bounce, or raspberry-brandy. It is with great 
 regret, however, I observe that the simplicity of 
 this venerable usage has been much violated by 
 modern pretenders to style, and our respectable 
 new - year - cookies and cherry - bounce elbowed 
 aside by plum-cake and outlandish liqueurs, in 
 the same way that our worthy old Dutch families 
 are out-dazzled by modern upstarts and mushroom 
 cockneys. 
 
 In addition to this divine origin of New Year 
 festivity, there is something exquisitely grateful, 
 to a good-natured mind, in seeing every face 
 dressed in smiles ; in hearing the oft-repeated 
 salutations that flow spontaneously from the heart 
 to the lips ; in beholding the poor, for once, enjoy- 
 ing the smiles of plenty, and forgetting the cares 
 which press hard upon them, in the jovial revelry 
 of the feelings ; the young children, decked out 
 in their Sunday clothes, and freed from their 
 only cares, the cares of the school, tripping through 
 the streets on errands of pleasure ; and even the 
 very negroes, those holiday-loving rogues, gor- 
 geously aiTayed in cast-off finery, collected in 
 juntos, at corners, displaying their white teeth, and 
 making the welkin ring with bursts of laughter 
 loud enough to crack even the icy cheek of old 
 winter. There is something so pleasant in all 
 this, that I confess it would give me real pain, to 
 behold the frigid influence of modern style cheat- 
 ing us of this jubilee of the heart; and convert- 
 
452 SALAfAGUNDI. 
 
 ing it, as it does every other article of social inter- 
 course, into an idle and unmeaning ceremony. 
 'Tis the annual festival of good-humor ; it comes 
 in the dead of winter, when nature is without a 
 charm, wlien our pleasures are contracted to the 
 fireside, and when everything that unlocks the 
 icy fetters of the heart, and sets the genial current 
 flovving, should be cherished, as a stray lamb 
 found in the wilderness; or a flower blooming 
 among thorns and briers. 
 
 Animated by these sentiments, it is with pe- 
 culiar satisfaction I perceived that the last New 
 Year was kept with more than ordinary enthusiasm. 
 It seemed as if the good old times had rolled 
 back again, and brought with them all the honest, 
 unceremonious intercourse of those golden days, 
 when people were more open and sincere, more 
 moral and more hospitable than now ; when every 
 object carried about it a charm which the hand 
 of time has stolen away, or turned to a deformity ; 
 when the women were more simple, more domestic, 
 more lovely, and more true ; and when even the 
 sun, like a hearty old blade as he is, shone with 
 a genial lustre unknown in these degenerate 
 days, — in short, those foiry times when I was a 
 madcap boy, crowding every enjoyment into the 
 present moment ; making of the past an oblivion ; 
 of the future a heaven ; and careless of all that 
 was " Over the hills and far away." Only one 
 thing was wanting to make every part of the 
 celebration accord with its ancient simplicity. 
 The ladies, who — I write it with the most pier- 
 cing regret — are generally at the head of all 
 
COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. 453 
 
 domestic innovations, most fastidiously refused 
 that mark of good-will, that cliaste and holy 
 sahite which was so fashionable in the happy 
 days of Governor Rip and the patriarchs. Even 
 the Miss Cocklofts, who belong to a family that 
 is ihe last intrenchment beliind which the manners 
 of the good old school have retired, made violent 
 opposition ; and whenever a gentleman entered 
 tiie room, immediately put themselves in a posture 
 of defense. This, Will Wizard, with his usual 
 i^hrewdn( ss, insists was only to give the visitor a 
 hint that they expected an attack ; and declares 
 he lias uniformly observed, that the resistance of 
 those ladies, who make the greatest noise and 
 bustle, is most easily overcome. Tiiis sad in- 
 novation originated with my good aunt Charity, 
 wlio was as airant a tabby as ever wore whiskers ; 
 and I am not a little afflicted to find that she has 
 found so many followers, even among the young 
 and beautiful. 
 
 In compliance with an ancient and venerable 
 custom, sanctioned by time and our ancestors, and 
 more especially by my own inclinations, I will 
 take this opportunity to salute my readers with as 
 many good wishes as I can possibly spare ; for, in 
 truth, I have been so prodigal of late, that I have 
 but few remaining. I should have offered my 
 congratulations sooner ; but, to be candid, having 
 made the last New Year's campaign, according to 
 custom, under Cousin Christopher, in which I 
 have seen some pretty hard service, my head has 
 been somewhat out of order of late, and my 
 intellects rather cloudy for clear writing. Besides, 
 
454 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 [ may allefre as another reason, that I have de- 
 ferred my greetings until this day, which is ex- 
 actly one year since we introduced ourselves to 
 the public ; and surely periodical writers have the 
 same right of datino: from the commencement of 
 their works, that monarchs have from the time of 
 their coronation, or our mo-<t puissant republic 
 from the declaration of its independence. 
 
 These ^ood wishes are warmed into more than 
 usual benevolence by the thought that I am now, 
 perhaps, addressing my old friends for the last 
 time. That we should thns cut off our work in 
 the very vigor of its existence, may excite some 
 little matter of wonder in this enlightened com- 
 munity. Now, though we could give a variety 
 of good reasons for so doing, yet it would be an 
 ill-natured act to deprive the public of such an 
 admirable opportunity to indulge in their favorite 
 amusement of conjecture ; so we generously leave 
 them to flounder in the smooth ocean of glorious 
 uncertainty. Besides, we have ever considered 
 it as beneath persons of our dignity to account 
 for our movements or caprices ; thank heaven, we 
 are not like the unhappy i-ulers of this enlightened 
 land, accountable to the mob for our actions, or 
 dependent on their smiles for support ! — this 
 much, however, we will say, it is not for want of 
 subjects that we stop our career. We are not 
 in the situation of poor Alexander the Great, 
 who wept, as well indeed he might, because there 
 were no more worlds to conquer ; for, to do justice 
 to this queer, odd, rantipole city, and to this 
 whimsical country, there is matter enough in thera 
 
PARTING PHILANTHROPHY. 455 
 
 to keep our risible muscles and our pens going 
 till doomsday. 
 
 Most people, in taking a farewell which may, 
 perhaps, be forever, are anxious to part on good 
 terms ; and it is usual, on such melancholy oc- 
 casions, for even enemies to shake hands, forget 
 their previous quarrels, and bury all former an- 
 imosities in parting regrets. Now, because most 
 people do this, I am determined to act in quite a 
 different way ; for, as I have lived, so I should 
 wish to die, in my own way, without imitating 
 any person, whatever may be his rank, talents, or 
 reputation. Besides, if I know our trio, we have 
 no enmities to obliterate, no hatchet to bury ; and 
 as to all injuries — those we have long since for- 
 given. At this moment there is not an individual 
 in the world, not even the Pope himself, to whom 
 we have any personal hostility. But if, shutting 
 their eyes to the many striking proofs of good- 
 nature displayed through the whole course of this 
 work, there should be any persons so singularly 
 ridiculous as to take offense at our strictures, we 
 heartily forgive their stupidity ; earnestly entreat- 
 inof them to desist from all manifestations of ill- 
 humor, lest they should, peradventure, be classed 
 under some one of the denominations of recreants, 
 we have felt it our duty to hold up to public 
 ridicule. Even at this moment, we feel a glow 
 of parting philanthropy stealing upon us ; a senti- 
 ment of cordial good-will towai"d the numerous 
 host of readers that have jogged on at our heels 
 during the last year ; and in justice to ourselves 
 must seriously protest, that if at any time we 
 
456 SALMAGUNDI 
 
 have treated them a little nngentlj, it was purely 
 in that spirit of heai-ty affection, with which a 
 schoolmaster drubs an unlucky urchin, or a hu- 
 mane muleteer his recreant animal, at the very 
 moment when his heart is brimful of lovins: kind- 
 ness. If this is not considered an ample justi- 
 fication, so much the worse ; for in that case I 
 fear we shall remain forever unjustified — a most 
 desperate extremity, and worthy of every man's 
 commiseration ! 
 
 One circumstance, in particular, has tickled us 
 mightily as we jogged along ; and that is, the 
 astonishing secrecy with which we have been able 
 to carry on our lucubrations ! fully aware of the 
 profound sagacity of the public of Gotham, and 
 their wonderful faculty of distinguishing a writer 
 by his style, it is with great self-congratulation 
 we find that suspicion has never pointed to us as 
 the authors of Salmagundi. Our gray-beard 
 speculations have been most bountifully attributed 
 to sundry smart young gentlemen, who, for aught 
 we know, have no beai'ds at all ; and we have 
 often been highly amused when they were charged 
 with the sin of writing wlsat their harmless minds 
 never conceived, to see them affect all the blush- 
 ing modesty and beautiful embarrassment of de- 
 tected virgin authors. The profound and pene- 
 trating public, having so long been led away from 
 truth and nature by a constant perusal of those 
 delectable histories, and romances, from beyond 
 seas, in which human nature is, for the most part, 
 wickedly mangled and debauched, have never 
 once ima^ined^this work was a "lenuine and most 
 
MERRY OLD BACHELORS. 457 
 
 authentic history ; that the Cocklofts were a real 
 family, dwelling in the city, paying scot and lot, 
 entitled to the right of suffrage, and holding sev- 
 eral respectable offices in the corporation. As 
 little do they suspect that there is a knot of 
 merry old bachelors seated snugly in the old- 
 fashioned parlor of an old- fashioned Dutch house, 
 with a weathercock on the top that came from 
 Holland ; who amuse themselves of an evening 
 by laughing at their neighbors, in an honest way, 
 and who manage to jog on through the streets 
 of our ancient and venerable city, without elbow- 
 ing or being elbowed by a living soul. 
 
 When we first adopted the idea of discontinu- 
 ing this work, we determined, in order to give 
 the critics a fair opportunity for dissection, to de- 
 clare ourselves, one and all, absolutely defunct : 
 for it is one of the rare and invaluable privileges 
 of a periodical writer, that by an act of innocent 
 suicide lie may lawfully consign himself to the 
 grave, and cheat the world of posthumous re- 
 nown. But we abandoned this scheme for many 
 substantial reasons. In the first place, we care 
 but little for the opinion of critics, whom we con- 
 sider a kind of freebooters in the republic of let- 
 ters ; who, like deer, goats, and divers other 
 gi^aminivorous animals, gain subsistence by gor- 
 ging upon the buds and leaves of the young 
 shrubs of the forest, thereby robbing them of 
 their verdure, and retardins" their progress to ma- 
 turity. It also occurred to us, that though an 
 author might lawfully, in all countries, kill him- 
 self outright, yet this privilege did not extend to 
 
'158 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 the raising himself from the dead, if he was ever 
 so anxious ; and all that is left him in such a 
 case, is to take the benefit of the metempsychosis 
 act, and revive under a new name and form. 
 
 Far be it, therefore, from us to condemn our- 
 selves to useless embarrassments, should we ever 
 be disposed to resume the guardianship of this 
 learned city of Gotham, and finish this invalu- 
 able work, which is yet but half completed. We 
 hereby openly and seriously declare, that we are 
 not dead, but intend, if it please Providence, to 
 live for many years to come, to enjoy life with 
 the genuine relish of honest souls, careless of 
 riches, honors, and everything but a good name, 
 among good fellows, and with the full expectation 
 of shufiling off the remnant of existence after 
 the excellent fashion of that merry Grecian, who 
 died lauofhiniT. 
 
 TO THE LADIES. 
 
 BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 
 
 NEXT to our being a knot of independent 
 old bachelors, there is nothing on which we 
 pride ourselves more highly than upon possessing 
 that true chivalric spirit of gallantry which dis- 
 tinguished the days of King Arthur and his val- 
 iant Knights of the Round Table. We cannot, 
 therefore, leave the lists where we have so long 
 been tiltinir at follv, with giving a farewell saluta- 
 
AN HONEST CONFESSION. 459 
 
 tion to those noble dames and beauteous damsels 
 who have honored us with their presence at the 
 tourney. Like true knights, the only recompense 
 we crave is the smile of beauty, and the approba- 
 tion of those gentle fair ones, whose smile and 
 whose approbation far excels all the trophies of 
 honor, and all the rewards of successful ambition. 
 True it is that we have suffered infinite perils, in 
 standing forth as their champions, from the sly 
 attacks of sundry arch caitiffs, who, in the over- 
 flowings of their malignity, have even accused us 
 of entering the lists as defenders of the very 
 foibles and faults of the sex. Would that we 
 could meet with these recreants hand to hand ; 
 they should receive no more quarter than giants 
 and enchanters in romance. 
 
 Had we a spark of vanity in our natures, here 
 is a glorious occasion to show our skill in refu- 
 ting these illiberal insinuations ; but there is 
 something manly and ingenuous in making an 
 honest confession of one's offenses when about 
 retiring from the world ; and so, without any 
 more ado, we doff our helmets, and thus publicly 
 plead guilty to the deadly sin of GOOD-nature ; 
 hoping and expecting forgiveness from our good- 
 natured readers — yet careless whether they be- 
 stow it or not. And in this we do but imitate 
 sundry condemned criminals, who, finding them- 
 selves convicted of a capital crime, with great 
 openness and candor, do generally, in their last 
 dying speech, make a confession of all their pre- 
 vious offenses, which confession is always read 
 with great delight by all true lovers of biog- 
 raphy. 
 
460 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 Still, however, notwithstanding our notorious 
 devotion to the gentle sex, and our indulgent par- 
 tiality, we have endeavored, on divers occasions, 
 with all the polite and becoming delicacy of true 
 respect, to reclaim them from many of those de- 
 lusive follies and unseemly peccadilloes in which 
 they are unhappily too prone to indulge. We 
 have warned them against the sad consequences 
 of encountering our midnight damps and wither- 
 ing wintry blasts ; we have endeavored, with 
 pious hands, to snatch them from the wildering 
 mazes of the waltz, and thus rescuins them from 
 the arras of strangers, to restore them to the 
 bosoms of their friends; to preserve them from 
 the nakedness, the fauiine, the cobweb muslins, 
 the vinegar cruet, the corset, the stay-tape, the 
 buckram, and all the other miseries and racks of 
 a fine figure. But, above all, we have endea- 
 vored to lure them fi-om the mazes of a dissipated 
 world, where they wander about, careless of their 
 value, until they lose their original worth ; and 
 to restore them, before it is too late, to the sacred 
 asylum of home, the soil most congenial to the 
 opening blossom of female loveliness, where it 
 blooms and expands in safety, in the fostering 
 sunshine of maternal affection, and where its 
 heavenly sweets are best known and appreciated. 
 
 Modern philosophers may determine the proper 
 destination of the sex ; they may assign to them 
 an extensive and brilliant orbit, in which to re- 
 volve, to the delight of the million and the confu- 
 sion of man's superior intellect ; but when on 
 this subject we disclaim philosophy, and appeal 
 
INESTIMABLE GEMS. 461 
 
 to the higher tribunal of the heart — and what 
 heart that had not lost its better feelings, would 
 ever seek to repose its happiness on the bosom 
 of one whose pleasures all lay without the thresh- 
 old of home — who snatched enjoyment only in 
 the whirlpool of dissipation, and amid the thought- 
 less and evanescent gayety of a ball-room ? The 
 fair one who is forever in the career of amuse- 
 ment may for a while dazzle, astonish, and enter- 
 tain ; but we are content with coldly admiring, 
 and fondly turn from glitter and noise, to seek 
 the happy fireside of social life, there to confide 
 our dearest and best affections. 
 
 Yet some there are — and we delight to men- 
 tion them — who mingle freely with the world, 
 unsullied by its contaminations ; whose brilliant 
 minds, like the stars of the firmament, are des- 
 tined to shed their light abroad and gladden every 
 beholder with their radiance — to withhold them 
 from the world would be doing it injustice — they 
 are inestimable gems, which were never formed 
 to be shut up in caskets, but to be the pride and 
 ornament of elegant society. 
 
 We have endeavored always to discriminate 
 between a female of this superior order and the 
 thoughtless votary of pleasure, who, destitute of 
 intellectual resources, is servilely dependent on 
 others for every little pittance of enjoyment ; who 
 exhibits herself incessantly amid the noise, the 
 giddy frolic, and capricious vanity of fashionable 
 assemblages ; dissipating her languid affection on 
 a crowd ; lavishing her ready smiles with indis- 
 criminate prodigality on the worthy or the unde- 
 
462 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 serving ; and listening with equal vacancy of 
 mind to the conversation of the enlightened, the 
 frivolity of the coxcomb, and the flourish of the 
 fiddle-stick. 
 
 Tliere is a certain artificial polish — a com- 
 mon-place vivacity acquired by perpetually min- 
 gling in the beau monde, which, in the commerce 
 of the world, supplies the place of natural sua- 
 vity or good-humor ; but is purchased at the ex- 
 pense of all original and sterling traits of charac- 
 ter. By a kind of fashionable discipline the eye 
 is taught to brighten, the lip to smile, and the 
 whole countenance to irradiate with the semblance 
 of friendly welcome, while the bosom is unwarmed 
 by a single spark of genuine kindness or good- 
 will. The elegant simulation may be admired by 
 the connoisseur of human character as a perfec- 
 tion of art, but the heart is not to be deceived by 
 the superficial illusion ; it turns with delight to 
 the timid, retiring fair one, whose smile is the 
 smile of nature ; whose blush is the soft suffu- 
 sion of delicate sensibility ; and whose aflTections, 
 unblighted by the chilling effects of dissipation, 
 glow with all the tenderness and purity of artless 
 youth. Hers is a singleness of mind, a native 
 innocence of manners, and a sweet timidity that 
 steal insensibly upon the heart, and lead it a will- 
 ing captive ; though venturing occasionally among 
 the fairy haunts of pleasure, she shrinks from 
 the broad glare of notoriety, and seems to seek 
 refuge among her friends, even from the admira- 
 tion of the world. 
 
 These observations bring to mind a little alle- 
 
AN ALLEGORY. 463 
 
 gory in one of the manuscripts of the sage Mus- 
 tapha, which, being in some measure applicable 
 to the subject of this essay, we transcribe for the 
 benefit of our fair readers. 
 
 Among the numerous race of the Bedouins, 
 who people the vast tracts of Arabia Deserta, is 
 a small tribe, remarkable for their habits of soli- 
 tude and love of independence. They are of a 
 rambling disposition, roving from waste to waste, 
 slaking their thirst at such scanty pools as are 
 found in those cheerless plains, and glory in the 
 unenvied liberty they enjoy. A youthful Arab 
 of this tribe, a simple son of nature, at length 
 growing weary of his precarious and unsettled 
 mode of life, determined to set out in search of 
 some permanent abode. " I will seek," said he, 
 " some happy region, some generous clime, where 
 the dews of heaven diffuse fertility ; I will find 
 out some unfailing stream, and, forsaking the joy- 
 less life of my forefathers, settle on its borders, 
 dispose my mind to gentle pleasures and tranquil 
 enjoyments, and never wander more." 
 
 Enchanted with this picture of pastoral felicity, 
 be departed from the tents of his companions ; 
 and having journeyed during five days, on the 
 sixth, as the sun was just rising in all the splen- 
 dors of the East, he lifted up his eyes and beheld 
 extended before him, in smiling luxuriance, the 
 fertile regions of Arabia the Happy. Gently 
 swelling hills, tufted with blooming grove, swept 
 down into luxuriant vales, enameled with flowers 
 of never- withering beauty. The sun, no longer 
 dartmg his ray? with torrid fervor, beamed with 
 
464 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 a genial warmth that gladdened and enriched the 
 landscape. A pure and temperate serenity, au 
 air of voluptuous repose, a smile of contented 
 abundance, pervaded the face of nature, and 
 every zephyr breathed a thousand delicious 
 odors. The soul of the youthful wanderer ex- 
 panded with delight — he raised his eyes to 
 heaven, and almost mingled with his tribute of 
 gratitude, a sigh of regret that he had lingered so 
 long amid the sterile solitudes of the desert. 
 
 With fond impatience he hastened to make 
 choice of a stream where he might fix his habi- 
 tation, and taste the promised sweets of this land 
 of deliffht. But here commenced au unforeseen 
 
 o 
 
 perplexity ; for, though he beheld inumerable 
 streams on every side, yet not one could he find 
 which completely answered his high-raised ex- 
 pectations. One abounded with wild and pictu- 
 resque beauty, but it was capricious and unsteady 
 in its course ; sometimes dashing its angry bil- 
 lows against the rocks, and often raging and over- 
 flowing its banks. Another flowed smoothly 
 along, without even a ripple or a murmur ; but 
 its bottom was soft and muddy, and its current 
 dull and sluggish. A third was pure and trans- 
 parent, but its waters were of a chilling coldness, 
 and it had rocks and flints in its bosom. A fourth 
 was dulcet in its tinklings, and graceful in its 
 meanderings ; but it had a cloying sweetness that 
 palled upon the taste ; while a fifth possessed a 
 sparkling vivacity, and a pungency of flavor, that 
 deterred the wanderer from repeating his draught. 
 The youthful Bedouin began to weary with 
 
VOICE OF THE STREAM. 465 
 
 fruitless trials and repeated disappointments, when 
 his attention was suddenly attracted by a lively 
 brook whose dancing waves glittered in the sun- 
 beams, and whose pratting current communicated 
 an air of bewitching gayety to the surrounding 
 landscape. The heart of the wayworn traveller 
 beat with expectation ; but on regarding it atten- 
 tively on its course, he found that it constantly 
 avoided the embowering shade, loitering with 
 equal fondness, whether gliding through the rich 
 valley, or over the barren sand ; that the fragrant 
 flower, the fruitful shrub, and the worthless bram- 
 ble were alike fostered by its waves, and that its 
 current was often interrupted by unprofitable 
 weeds. With idle ambition it expanded itself 
 beyond its proper bounds, and spread into a shal- 
 low waste of water, destitute of beauty or utility, 
 and babbling along with uninteresting vivacity 
 and vapid turbulence. 
 
 The wandering son of the desert turned away 
 with a sigh of regret, and pitied a stream which, 
 if content within its natural limits, might have 
 been the pride of the valley, and the object of 
 all his wishes. Pensive, musing, and disap- 
 pointed, he slowly pursued his now almost hope- 
 less pilgrimage, and had rambled for some time 
 along the margin of a gentle rivulet, before be 
 became sensible of its beauties. It was a simple 
 pastoral stream, whieh, shunning the noonday 
 glare, pursued its unobtrusive course through re- 
 tired and tranquil vales ; now dimpling among 
 flowery banks and tufted shrubbery ; now wind- 
 ing among spicy groves, whose aromatic foli- 
 30 
 
466 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 age fondly bent down to meet the limpid wave. 
 Sometimes, but not often, it would venture from 
 its covert to stray through a flowery meadow ; 
 but quickly, as if fearful of being seen, stole back 
 again into its more congenial shade, and there 
 lingered with sweet delay. Wherever it bent its 
 course, the face of nature brightened into smiles, 
 and a perennial spring reigned upon its borders. 
 The warblers of the woodland delighted to quit 
 their recesses and carol among its bowers ; while 
 the turtle-dove, the timid fawn, the soft-eyed ga- 
 zelle, and all the rural populace, who joy in the 
 sequestered haunts of nature, resorted to its 
 vicinity. Its pure transparent waters rolled over 
 snow-white sands, and heaven itself was reflected 
 in its tranquil bosom. 
 
 The simple Arab threw himself upon its verdant 
 margin ; he tasted the silver tide, and it was like 
 nectar to his lips ; he bounded with transport, 
 for he had found the object of his wayfaring. 
 " Here," cried he, " will I pitch my tent ; here 
 will I pass my days ; for pure, O fair stream, is 
 thy gentle current ; beauteous are thy borders ; 
 and the grove must be a paradise that is refreshed 
 by thy meanderings ! " 
 
 " Pendant opera interrupta." — Virg. 
 " The work's all aback." — Link. Fid. 
 
 ** 1"T0W hard it is," exclaims the divine Con- 
 
 J-X futse, better known among the illiterate 
 
 by the name of Confucius, '• for a man to bite off 
 
THE EMBARGO. 467 
 
 his own nose ! " At this moment I, William 
 Wizard, Esq., feel the full force of this remark, 
 and cannot but give vent to my tribulation at be- 
 ing obliged, through the whim of friend Langstaff, 
 to stop short in my literary career, when at the 
 very point of astonishing my country, and reap- 
 ing the brightest laurels of literature. We daily 
 hear of shipwrecks, of failures and bankruptcies ; 
 they are trifling mishaps which, from tiieir fre- 
 quency, excite but little astonishment or sympa- 
 thy ; but it is not often that we hear of a man's 
 letting immortality slip through his fingers ; and 
 when he does meet with such a misfortune, who 
 would deny him the comfort of bewailing his ca- 
 lamity ? 
 
 Next to embargo, laid upon our commerce, the 
 greatest public annoyance is the embargo laid 
 upon our work ; in consequence of which, the 
 produce of my wits, like that of my country, 
 must remain at home ; and my ideas, like so many 
 merchantmen in port, or redoubtable frigates in 
 the Potomac, moulder away in the mud of my 
 own brain. I know of few things in this world 
 more annoying than to be interrupted in the mid- 
 dle of a favorite story, at the most interesting 
 part, where one expects to shine or to have a con- 
 versation broken off just when you are about 
 coming out, with a score of excellent jokes, not 
 one of which but was good enough to make every 
 fine figure in corsets literally split her sides with 
 laughter. In some such predicament am I placed 
 at present ; and I do protest to you, my good-look- 
 ing and well beloved readers, by the chop-sticka 
 
468 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 of the immortal Josh, I was on the very brink of 
 treating you with a full broadside of the most in- 
 genious and instructive essays that your precioua 
 noddles were ever bothered with. 
 
 In the first place, I had, with infinite labor 
 and pains, and by consulting the divine Plato, 
 Sanconiathon, ApoUonius Rhodius, Sir John Har- 
 rington, Noah Webster, Linkum Fidelius, and 
 others, fully refuted all those wild theories respec- 
 ting the first settlement of our venerable country; 
 and proved, beyond contradiction, that America, 
 so far from being, as the writers of upstart Eu- 
 rope denominate it, the new world, is at least as 
 old as any country in existence, not excepting 
 Egypt, China, or even the land of the Assiniboins; 
 which, according to the traditions of that ancient 
 people, has already assisted at the funerals of 
 thirteen suns, and four hundred and seventy 
 thousand moons ! 
 
 I had likewise written a long dissertation on 
 certain hieroglyphics discovered on those fragments 
 of the moon, which have lately fallen, with singu- 
 lar propriety, in a neighboring State, and have 
 thrown considerable light on the state of litera- 
 ture and the arts in that planet, showing that 
 the universal language which prevails there is 
 high Dutch ; thereby proving it to be the most 
 ancient and original tongue, and corroborating the 
 opinion of a celebrated poet, that it is the language 
 in which the serpent tempted our grandmother 
 Eve. 
 
 To support the theatric department, I had sev- 
 eral very judicious critiques, ready written, wherein 
 
PLAGIARISM. 469 
 
 no quarter was shown either to authors or ac- 
 tors ; and I was only waiting to determine at 
 what plays or performances they should be lev- 
 eled. As to the grand spectacle of Cinderella, 
 which is to be represented this season, I had 
 given it a most unmerciful handling, showing that 
 it was neither tragedy, comedy, nor farce ; that 
 the incidents were highly improbable, that the 
 prince played like a perfect harlequin, that the 
 white mice were merely powdered for the occasion, 
 and that the new moon had a most outrageous 
 copper nose. 
 
 But my most profound and erudite essay in 
 embryo is an analytical, hypercritical review of 
 these Salmagundi lucubrations ; which I had writ- 
 ten partly in revenge for the many waggish jokes 
 played oflf against me by my confederates, and 
 partly for the purpose of saving much invaluable 
 labor to the Zoiluses and Dennises of the age, by 
 detecting and exposing all the similarities, resem- 
 blances, synonymies, analogies, coincidences, etc., 
 which occur in this work. 
 
 I hold it downright plagiarism for any author 
 to write, or even to think, in the same manner 
 with any other writer that either did, doth, or may 
 exist. It is a sage maxim of law — " Ignorantia 
 neminem excusat " — and the same has been ex- 
 tended to literature : so that if an author shall pub- 
 lish an idea that has been ever hinted by another, 
 it shall be no exculpation for him to plead igno- 
 rance of the fact. All, therefore, that 1 had to do 
 was to take a good pair of spectacles, or a mag- 
 nifiying glass, and with Salmagundi in hand and 
 
470 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 a tableful of books before me, to muse over them 
 alternately, in a corner of Cockloft library : care- 
 fully comparing and contrasting all odd ends and 
 fragments of sentences. Little did honest Launce 
 suspect, when he sat lounging and scribbling in 
 his elbow-chair with no other stock to draw upon 
 than his own brain, and no other authority to 
 consult than the sage Linkum Fidelius — little 
 did he think that his careless, unstudied effusions 
 would receive such scrupulous investigation. 
 
 By laborious researches, and patiently collating 
 words, where sentences and ideas ^did not corre- 
 spond, I have detected sundry sly disguises and 
 metamorphoses of which, I'll be bound, Lang- 
 staff himself is ignorant. Thus, for instance — 
 the little man in black is evidently no less a per- 
 sonage than old Goody Blake or Goody some- 
 thing, filched from the Spectator, who confessedly 
 filched her from Otway's " wrinkled hag with age 
 grown double." My friend Launce has taken 
 the honest old woman, dressed her up in the cast- 
 off suit worn by Twaits, in Lampedo, and endeav- 
 ored to palm the imposture upon the enlightened 
 inhabitants of Gotham. No further proof of the 
 fact need be given, than that Goody Blake was 
 taken for a witch, and the little man in black for a 
 conjurer ; and that they both lived in villages, the 
 inhabitants of which were distinguished by a most 
 respectful abhorrence of hobgoblins and broom- 
 sticks ; to be sure the astonishing similiarity ends 
 here, but surely that is enough to prove that the 
 little man in black is no other than Goody Blake 
 in the disguise of a white witch. 
 
MUST AP HA. 471 
 
 Thus, also, the sage Mustapha, in mistaking a 
 brag-party for a convention of magi studying hier- 
 oglyphics, may pretend to orignality of idea and 
 to a familiar acquaintance with the black-letter 
 literati of the East. But this Tripolitan trick 
 will not pass here ; I refer those who wish to de- 
 tect his larceny to one of those wholesale jumbles, 
 or hodge-podge collections of science, which, like 
 a tailor's pandemonium or a giblet-pie, are recep- 
 tacles for scientific fragments of all sorts and sizes. 
 The reader, learned in dictionary studies, will at 
 once perceive I mean an encyclopaedia. There, 
 under the title of Magi, Egypt, Cards, or Hiero- 
 glyphics, I forget which, will be discovered an 
 idea similar to that of Mustapha, as snugly con- 
 cealed as truth at the bottom of a well, or the 
 mistletoe amid the shady branches of an oak ; 
 and it may at any time be drawn from its lurk- 
 ing-place, by those hewers of wood, and drawers 
 of water, who labor in humbler walks of criticism. 
 This is assuredly a most unpardonable error of 
 the sage Mustapha, who had been the captain of 
 a ketch ; and, of course, as your nautical men are 
 for the most part very learned, ought to have 
 known better. But this is not the only blunder 
 of the grave Mussulman who swears by the head 
 of Amrou, the beard of Barbarossa, and the sword 
 of Khalid, as glibly as our good Christian soldiers 
 anathematize body and soul, or a sailor his eyes 
 and odd limbs. Now 1 solemnly pledge myself to 
 the world, that in all my travels through the 
 East, in Persia, Arabia, China, and Egypt, I never 
 heard man, woman, or child, utter any of those pre- 
 
472 SALMAGUNDI. 
 
 posterous and new-fangled asseverations ; and that, 
 so far from swearing by any man's head, it is con- 
 sidered, throughout the East, the greatest insult 
 that can be offered to either the living or dead to 
 meddle in any shape even with his beard. These 
 are but two or three specimens of the exposures 
 I would have made ; but I should have descended 
 still lower ; nor would have spared the most in- 
 significant and, or but, or nevertheless, provided I 
 could have found a ditto in the '* Spectator " or the 
 dictionary ; but all these minutiae I bequeath to 
 the Lilliputian literati of this sagacious commu- 
 nity, who are fond of hunting " such small deer," 
 and I earnestly pray they may find full employ- 
 ment for a twelvemonth to come. 
 
 But the most outrageous plagiarisms of friend 
 Launcelot are those made on sundry living per- 
 sonages. Thus : Tom Straddle has been evi- 
 dently stolen from a distinguished Brummagem 
 emigrant, since they both ride on horseback ; 
 Dabble, the little great man, has his origin in a 
 certain aspiring counselor, who is rising in the 
 world as rapidly as the heaviness of his head will 
 permit ; mine uncle John will bear a tolerable 
 comparison, particularly as it respects the sterling 
 qualities of his heart, with a worthy yeoman of 
 Westchester County ; and to deck out Aunt Char- 
 ity, and the amiable Miss Cocklofts, he has rifled 
 the charms of half the ancient vestals in the city. 
 Nay, he has taken unpardonable liberties with my 
 own person ! — elevating me on the substantial 
 pedestals of a worthy gentleman from China, and 
 tricking me out with claret coats, tight breeches, 
 
FAREWELL. 473 
 
 and silver-sprigged dickeys, in such sort that I 
 can scarcely recognize my own resemblance ; 
 whereas I absolutely declare that I am an ex- 
 ceeding good-looking man, neither too tall nor too 
 short, too old nor too young, with a person indif- 
 ferently robust, a head rather inclining to be 
 large, an easy swing in my walk, and that I wear 
 my own hair, neither queued, nor cropped, nor 
 turned up, but in a fair, pendulous oscillating 
 club, tied with a yard of ninepenny black ribbon. 
 And now having said all that occurs to me on 
 the present pathetic occasion — having made my 
 speech, wrote my eulogy, and drawn my portrait, 
 I bid my readers an affectionate farewell ; ex- 
 horting them to live honestly and soberly — pay- 
 ing their taxes, and reverencing the state, the 
 church, and the corporation — reading diligently 
 the Bible and almanac, the newspaper and Sal- 
 magundi ; which is all the reading an honest 
 citizen has occasion for — and eschewing all spirit 
 of faction, discontent, irreligion, and criticism. 
 Which is all at present 
 
 From their departed friend, 
 
 William Wizard. 
 
 THE END. 
 
719 
 
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