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 PS 3525 
 .0856 
 M8 
 1917 
 Copy 1 
 
 Moses 
 
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Copyrighted 1917 
 
 By Bert Moses 
 
 576 Fifth Avenue 
 
 New York 
 
The only thing actually required 
 of a writer is to be understood. 
 Syntax and prosody don't count. 
 
Moses 
 
 in 
 
 Paragraphs 
 
 By 
 Bert Moses 
 
 Written by One Who 
 
 Does Not Take Life Too Seriously, and Intended 
 
 For People Not Fastidious About 
 
 Addisonian English. 
 
 Printed for the Author by 
 
 The Roycrofters, at their Shop, 
 
 which is in East Aurora, 
 
 State of New York, 
 
 in the year 1917. 
 
/^^ 
 
 
 A writer's ability is measured, not 
 by the number of words he gets 
 out of a gallon of ink, but by the 
 intellectual mileage he covers. 
 
 M -2IS18 
 'CU479765 
 
 /M-->^ ( 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 HE problem of the world is to shift 
 Heaven nearer the Equator and Hell 
 S27 nearer the North Pole. 
 
 The idea of promoting a hair-grower 
 seizes you mightily when you go into a 
 gallery and look down. 
 
 Crowds and coin go together. Ask Billy 
 Sunday how to separate them. 
 
 Seriousness is all right, but for God's 
 sake laugh once in a while. 
 
 « 
 
 A Mormon is a man who over-estimates 
 his capacity. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 SALOON-KEEPERS and dogs should 
 ' not feel humiliated because they have 
 to be licensed. The same distinction applies 
 to doctors and lawyers. 
 
 What a scurrying to cover there will be 
 when it is made a jail offense to be a false 
 and fraudulent Congressman! 
 
 ^ 
 
 Every woman is peculiar to herself. The 
 same brand of hot air does n't always go. 
 
 n 
 
 The man who invented cigarettes got his 
 idea from a polecat. 
 
 Never mind the label — examine the goods. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 FASHION names the color of your socks 
 and the hang of your pants, yet many 
 of the great men in history went through 
 Hfe without either. 
 
 ** Truth ** is as elastic a word as ** soup,** 
 of which Heinz and Campbell make many 
 varieties. 
 
 Pick for a wife a woman whose complexion 
 is the work of God and not of a paint-brush. 
 
 Big men are seldom alike, but little folks 
 are very much the same. 
 
 q 
 
 Tombstones are monuments to the futility 
 of medicine. 
 
10 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 ABOUT the only thing you can do today 
 without violating a law is to breathe. 
 Thank God that Congress has kept its hands 
 off the ozone! 
 
 No matter which path you take — whether 
 osteopath, homeopath or allopath — it leads 
 but to the grave. 
 
 A big advertisement does not add to the 
 value of anything, but often adds to its cost. 
 
 f 
 
 When you succeed, you are a wise guy, 
 and when you fail, you are a dub. 
 
 Culture rusts commonsense like water 
 rusts steel. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 11 
 
 THE only difference between the thief and 
 the deadhead is this: One takes from 
 you when you don't know it, and the other 
 when you do. 
 
 Men who play their honesty up in the 
 headlines can be counted upon to hide their 
 crookedness in the small type that follows. 
 
 What boots it what remedy you take so 
 long as you get well ? 
 
 Businessmen who go into the newspapers 
 go ahead of those who stay out. 
 
 f 
 
 The penalty for knocking is to be knocked. 
 
12 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 WHEN I believe I am right, I do not 
 give so much as one-fourth of one 
 per cent of a continental dam whether others 
 agree with me or not. 
 
 Sing Sing is populated by people who 
 thought they could ** get away with it,'* 
 but did n*t. 
 
 If there is any better remedy for sickness 
 than behaving yourself, I do not know what 
 it is. 
 
 g 
 
 Most things have their ups and downs, 
 but with taxes there is nothing but ups. 
 
 Honesty pays because dishonesty does n't. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 13 
 
 WHEN you get to the Pearly Gates, a 
 letter of recommendation from your 
 hired help will carry more weight than a 
 letter from your preacher. 
 
 Next to a dress that fits in the back, 
 nothing pleases a woman like a fake bargain 
 sale. 
 
 An advertisement that sells goods is a 
 good advertisement, even though its gram- 
 mar be bad. 
 
 Don't go so far with your fearlessness that 
 you become a fool. 
 
 n 
 
 It is the hang-over of the cocktail that 
 hurts. 
 
14 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 rlE. worst form of deliberate despotism is 
 represented by the man who beats you 
 to the toilet-room in the morning and locks 
 the door. 
 
 Many of us escape jail because the police 
 don*t know a lot of things about us that we 
 know about ourselves. 
 
 Quite a few men can put a thing across 
 once, but men who can do it twice are the 
 folks for me. 
 
 Cannibals eat their enemies, while civi- 
 lized people shoot them and let them rot. 
 
 ^ 
 
 The world is full of earnest people who are 
 headed the wrong way. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 15 
 
 IF the American Medical Association had 
 been in existence at the time, it would 
 have haled Jesus before a justice of the peace 
 for practising without a license. 
 
 We are all dam fools a part of the time. 
 All we can do is try to reduce the frequency 
 of the attacks. 
 
 The presents you get on your birthday do 
 not compensate for the increase in your age. 
 
 To editors: Why not devote more space 
 to facts and less to headlines? 
 
 The thing to do when a fact appears is to 
 look it squarely in the eye. 
 
16 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 SOCIETY consists largely of much paint 
 and powder and little wearing apparel, 
 thus exhibiting a marked disproportion of 
 color to cover. 
 
 Advertising is the gentle art of annexing 
 the other fellow's coin without the assistance 
 of a dark-lantern and a jimmy. 
 
 Keep your eyes upon the obscure man 
 intent on a new idea. It is he who has ever 
 jarred the world out of the ruts. 
 
 How much worse the itch would be if you 
 could not scratch ! 
 
 Shun that man who commercializes his 
 virtues. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 17 
 
 THE world is full of experts who can not 
 tell an economic thesis from a kippered 
 herring or a fundamental principle from a 
 cold fried egg. 
 
 The Church undertakes to fix you up for 
 the Next World, while Advertising fixes you 
 up for This. 
 
 A bad habit sticks as tightly as the 
 drawers in a cheap bureau on a damp day. 
 
 The more you drink to the health of 
 others, the more you injure your own. 
 
 Investigate all you please, but don't be 
 snooper. 
 
 v/^ 
 
18 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 IT is well to put some trust in God, but the 
 more you put in yourself, the higher will 
 the world rate you, including both Bradstreet 
 and Dun. 
 
 The accumulation of more gold than we 
 need is not a recommendation for an 
 orchestra chair in Heaven. 
 
 € 
 
 Do not strike the boss for a raise the 
 morning after a stag party. 
 
 A gentleman is a man who never claims 
 to be one. 
 
 Many men who talk truth do not tell it. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 19 
 
 I SOMETIMES wonder why business is 
 considered so honorable when it consists 
 of nothing more than seUing things for more 
 than they cost. 
 
 That man is a genius who can, by adver- 
 tising, convert a dollar's worth of plain oats 
 into fifty dollars* worth of breakfast food. 
 
 <i 
 
 Kelly pool does not aid muscular develop- 
 ment so much as beating a rug or carrying 
 out the ashes. 
 
 Just about the time your hair stops grow- t / 
 ing, your waist-line begins. 
 
 Truth is seated in the heart— not in the 
 mouth. 
 
20 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 IF children were taught how to keep their 
 stomachs in good order as carefully as 
 they are taught grammar, the world would 
 be better off. 
 
 « 
 
 The increase in rubbernecks keeps pace 
 with the tendency to cut shirt waists lower 
 and lower, and skirts higher and higher. 
 
 Things in a bottle are overrated — whether 
 they come from a drugstore or a booze- 
 bazaar. 
 
 How fortunate for the fish that most 
 fishermen jerk their poles too soon! 
 
 When taking castor-oil, take enough. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 21 
 
 YOU get the same exercise with an ax 
 that you get with a golf-stick, and you 
 get a pile of wood for your efforts. Throw 
 away your golf-sticks and try an ax! 
 
 There is a good opening for a school to 
 teach us how to get more of the gravy into 
 our mouths and less on our vests. 
 
 «i 
 
 If we can't be decent without codes of 
 ethics, we can't be with them. 
 
 Fashions may come and fashions may go, 
 but tailors* bills run on forever. 
 
 A cocktail lifts you up gently, but sets 
 you down hard. 
 
22 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 HE chief mission of a banquet is to 
 encourage the distiUing industry and 
 supply an excuse for not showing up at the 
 office next day. 
 
 When you come to touch the Uve wire of 
 Love, you will discover that experience 
 differs widely from hearsay. 
 
 <i 
 
 The names that loom largest in history are 
 names that stand for freedom and liberty. 
 
 One Paradise today is better than two 
 Paradises tomorrow. 
 
 There are more fake reformers than there 
 are fakirs. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 23 
 
 THE trouble with quite a few women is 
 that they carry more notions on their 
 heads than in them. That is to say, they 
 display more millinery than mind. 
 
 The things we don't know and never can 
 know are legion, while the things we do 
 know are as few as Irishmen in Jerusalem. 
 
 A fine future lies before the man who is 
 sole proprietor and executor without bond 
 of his own intellect. 
 
 A lot of men earn $10 a week, while a few 
 men get $1 ,000 a week without earning it. 
 
 With coal at $12 a ton, think of the fuel- 
 bill in hell! 
 
24 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 THE day is coming when the doctor who 
 does not pay for his advertising will be 
 looked upon as a man who has nothing 
 worthy to sell. 
 
 Find me a woman who tells the truth 
 about her age, and I will find you a fisher- 
 man who tells the actual weight of his catch. 
 
 The idea is abhorrent that a man can 
 keep opinions out of a newspaper by putting 
 ads in it. 
 
 f 
 
 To be able to tell a big thing from a little 
 thing is the distinguishing mark of greatness. 
 
 All is not lost when you lose your credit — 
 you can go to work for a living. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 25 
 
 THE time to buy is when prices are down, 
 and the time to sell is when prices are 
 up, but few who go into Wall Street seem 
 to know this. 
 
 n 
 
 Many laws are not intended for the good 
 of the public, their chief end being to supply 
 fees to disputatious lawyers. 
 
 It is one of the eternal verities that when 
 you pay a cheap price, you carry away a 
 cheap package. 
 
 Don't put undue faith in a man who talks 
 about a thing, but does not work at it. 
 
 Love is very fine until you get more of it 
 than you can use. 
 
26 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 THE turning point in every man*s life 
 comes when he begins to think of em- 
 ploying others instead of looking for others 
 to employ him. 
 
 ^ 
 
 What you hand the other fellow will in 
 turn be handed to you, it being merely a 
 question of time. 
 
 Nature has the correspondence school 
 beaten a block in producing smart people. 
 
 Moral suasion may work occasionally 
 with a mule, but never with a benzine buggy. 
 
 n 
 
 Carrying out the ashes in Hades must be a 
 real man's job. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 27 
 
 THANK God for the few men who do 
 not ** conform." All the progress the 
 world has ever made traces straight to them 
 — and ever will. 
 
 Language is used by some men to say 
 something, and by other men to make a 
 noise with. 
 
 It is difficult to determine whether women's 
 dresses are intended to conceal or reveal 
 their figures. 
 
 How fortunate for the lawyers that so 
 many people want revenge ! 
 
 Law never changed a man's religious 
 belief and never will. 
 
 ^y' 
 
28 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 THERE is keener joy in making your 
 own living than in inheriting a Uving 
 from your forebears, but you have to try 
 both ways to find it out. 
 
 I know of no waste quite so conspicuous 
 as that exhibited by a pretty woman when 
 she kisses a small boy. 
 
 A great many people go into church for 
 the business they can get out of it. 
 
 Advertisers are not made in colleges, but 
 in shirt-sleeves and overalls. 
 
 n 
 
 The truth that hurts most is the best 
 truth of all. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 29 
 
 ^T^THAT is so pathetic as the man beck- 
 ▼ ▼ ohing the undertaker with nothing 
 accompHshed during Hfe but the accumula- 
 tion of dollars and dividends? 
 
 There are two periods in a woman's life 
 when she is hard to understand — before you 
 marry her and after. 
 
 You can work yourself out of a job easier 
 than you can work yourself in. 
 
 f 
 
 A man does fairly well if he succeeds in 
 being 5 1 per cent good. 
 
 Love, like an automobile, needs two brakes. 
 
30 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 IF you want to pass along sweet satisfac- 
 tion and solace to a woman, tell her her 
 dress fits perfectly across the shoulders and 
 over the hips. 
 
 I 
 Any man who regulates his morals by 
 rules he reads in a book has n't got any 
 morals. 
 
 Three men can discuss a thing to death 
 while one man alone is putting it across. 
 
 \^ 
 
 ^ 
 
 If you want people to believe you are 
 honest, do not be too noisy about it. 
 
 f 
 
 The cost of living is what you make it — / 
 and no more. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 31 
 
 THE men most to be relied upon are those 
 who confess that they know Httle, but 
 what they do know is the result of their 
 own experience. 
 
 Fortunate beyond calculation is that boy 
 who comes out of college with as much 
 commonsense as he had when he went in. 
 
 When a man blows about his honesty, I 
 feel safer if there is a cop in the neighbor- 
 hood. 
 
 When a man has more education than he 
 can use, he becomes a nuisance. 
 
 Take off the wrapper and look inside — 
 the outside does n*t count. 
 
32 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 IT was once thought that men who wear 
 the ermine are better than men who 
 don*t, but this is now generally recognized 
 as not being true. 
 
 You get at a man's real character only 
 when you systematically come in contact 
 with his pocketbook. 
 
 f 
 
 People who outlive their ignorance, suc- 
 ceed; those who don't, don't. 
 
 n 
 
 Big events rarely come to pass because of 
 ethics, but in spite of it. 
 
 There are a great many decent people 
 besides you and me. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 33 
 
 IN looking for a man to run the business 
 when you are away, do not pick one who 
 is unduly anxious about harmony between 
 his necktie and socks. 
 
 If you have a hiatus in your head, you 
 had better put in a screen to keep out the 
 bats. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Money that you earn buys joy, while 
 money that you don't earn, don*t. 
 
 The quickest way to lose a friend is to 
 touch him for a ten. 
 
 Quarreling is all right providing you put 
 it off until tomorrow. 
 
34 MOSES IN PARAGRAPH S 
 
 ^O as you please, and think as you please, 
 and say what you please, so long as you 
 observe the recognized common decencies 
 of your fellow men. 
 
 Walking is good exercise when you practise 
 it out of doors and not around a billiard 
 table. 
 
 I hate a lawsuit as much as a pure-food 
 convention hates benzoate of soda. 
 
 q 
 
 Some little fellows have an awful big 
 punch — for instance, the Corsican. 
 
 fl 
 
 Among liars, the honest man stands out 
 like Roosevelt at a convention. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 35 
 
 YOU can not judge a watch by its case, 
 a book by its binding or a woman by 
 her apparel. Always and forever the things 
 that don*t show determine value. 
 
 Men are essentially honest and truthful in 
 the mass, and the percentage of deliberate 
 liars is low. 
 
 Everything has to work out its own sal- 
 vation — even the fly from the maggot. 
 
 I '11 tell you what Truth is: It is sticking 
 to Facts and saying only what is so. 
 
 If you are smart, be patient — people will 
 find it out all right. 
 
36 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 BEHIND every big accomplishment there 
 is always one big man. The rest of the 
 crowd are only foothills at the base of the 
 mountain peak. 
 
 Keep your eye off the clock, and the boss 
 will say the right word to the cashier about 
 your pay-envelope. 
 
 You can generally spot a liar by the vocif er- 
 ousness with which he proclaims his honesty. 
 
 Don't confuse success with money — the 
 world's greatest men were poor. 
 
 Ask yourself tonight if you are ashamed of 
 anything you did today. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 37 
 
 IF you think too much about grammar in 
 writing, the chances are you won't say 
 much of anything, even though you say it 
 faultlessly. 
 
 Grammar is something that always gets 
 in your way when you want to say what you 
 think. 
 
 Going from public school to a job is pref- 
 erable to going from private school to college. 
 
 Banish every thought of money for one 
 whole day, and it will be a day of happiness. 
 
 Feed the hungry man first, and ask his 
 pedigree later on. 
 
38 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 ANY enterprise nowadays — ^whether relig- 
 ious, commercial or otherwise — which 
 leaves woman off the Board of Directors, is 
 apt to be wobbly in the spine. 
 
 It is good to drink whiskey occasionally, 
 because you then know how much better 
 you feel when you leave it alone. 
 
 It consoles us a little to remember that 
 other folks have troubles worse than our own. 
 
 Fifty-one per cent of our habits are bad, 
 and the other forty-nine per cent stupid. 
 
 Do not dig up the past of the man or / 
 woman who is decent now. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 39 
 
 DIPLOMACY is the fine art of getting 
 your laundry from a Chinaman when 
 you have lost the ticket. 
 
 The final test of honesty comes when you 
 have a chance to get rid of a plugged dime, 
 but don't. 
 
 Don*t hit until you have to — then hit 
 hard and be done with it. 
 
 f 
 
 Bulk is not so vital in a book as caloric, 
 amperes and ohms. 
 
 n 
 
 Be on the level, and great will be your \/ 
 reward. 
 
40 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 IN order that a few people may do no 
 work, it is necessary for many people to 
 do a lot of work. 
 
 A man's charity is not to be measured by 
 what he gives, but by what he has left after 
 V giving. 
 
 Science is simply common knowledge 
 hand- tooled, sandpapered and manicured. 
 
 If you are an acorn, do not try to be an 
 oak tree too soon. 
 
 f 
 
 Flaunted virtue is vice hidden behind a 
 noise. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 41 
 
 IT is difficult to say who is most interested 
 in the death notices — the undertaker or 
 the lawyer. 
 
 n 
 
 The dividing line between the close 
 observer and the rubberneck has not yet 
 been defined by the Ladies' Home Journal. 
 
 f 
 
 To acquire friends is not difficult, but to 
 acquire distinguished enemies calls for genius. 
 
 f 
 
 The man who does n't make his own relig- 
 ion has n't got any. 
 
 f 
 
 An honest man lays no claim to the title- 
 he just IS. 
 
42 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 DEEP and lasting is the gratitude you 
 feel to the man who steers you to a 
 drink on a Sunday in a tight town. 
 
 What money the doctors do not take 
 away from you before you die the lawyers 
 get after the event. 
 
 If you want people to think you are smart, 
 tell them things they already know. 
 
 As between an artist's women and God*s 
 women, give me God*s. 
 
 Even the wisest men are ** suckers ** for 
 somebody. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 43 
 
 TO be deceived occasionally is a sweet 
 privilege, for thus may you avoid being 
 the same kind of a dam fool twice. 
 
 Persistency is a cardinal virtue — the one 
 needful thing to get your name on the sign 
 in front of the store. 
 
 Truth slips from your grasp just when you 
 think you have a firm hold upon it. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Men who ** come back '* are men who 
 never really went away. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Progress sometimes consists in going back 
 and starting over. 
 
44 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 SOME men prefer to scratch, because 
 scratching is easier than going after 
 them with a fine comb. 
 
 All attempts to produce genius by chart, 
 compass and card systems have not yet 
 increased the visible supply. 
 
 It is quite as important to be honest your- 
 self as to require honesty from others. 
 
 <i 
 
 A patriot may be noisy, but it is not noise 
 that makes him a patriot. 
 
 § 
 
 You can not make yourself good by calling 
 other people bad. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 45 
 
 SUCCESS is something distinct and sepa- 
 rate from dollars. Most men who have 
 run up great scores were poor. 
 
 The policeman's billy does not change 
 human nature, but the world has not yet 
 found it out. 
 
 No man is so deadly dull as he who does 
 nothing to which objection can be taken. 
 
 No man ever achieves greatness until his 
 enemies outnumber his friends. 
 
 § 
 
 Success is individual — nothing but the 
 man himself counts. 
 
46 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 MOST reforms are all right, but many 
 reformers themselves should be doing 
 sixty days on the Island. 
 
 The knowledge most men possess is second- 
 hand, and such knowledge rarely boosts its 
 possessor to the Board of Directors. 
 
 I would rather have a little money that I 
 earned than a lot of money that I did n't. 
 
 CI 
 
 A man may be altogether honest, and 
 still be a hopeless boob. 
 
 ^ 
 
 It is a great thing to get there before you 
 start. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 47 
 
 GREAT speed is not necessary to Fame. 
 Read in your Bible about that 40-year 
 trip through the Wilderness. 
 
 Modesty may be a virtue, but merit that 
 vaunts itself occasionally is what makes 
 entries in your bank-book. 
 
 Every man has his eye on the main chance, 
 no matter where destiny places him. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Where there is a surplus of noise, there is 
 sure to be a paucity of sense. 
 
 Ethics, like love, is a very nice thing until 
 you get too much of it. 
 
48 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 /^ REAT is the joy of the fat lady when 
 ^^ she gets on the scales and finds she 
 is losing flesh! 
 
 The Gift of Grip — the taking hold and 
 holding fast to the end — this is the token of 
 success — there is no other test. 
 
 Whenever you want to queer a thing, 
 refer it to a committee. 
 
 Besides being the finest of all indoor 
 sports, sleep is free. 
 
 A wart does n*t matter much so long as it 
 does not show. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 49 
 
 MEN generally are not so bad nor women 
 generally quite so good as common 
 report has it. 
 
 Knowledge proceeds from doing the thing 
 — not from memorizing something out of a 
 book. 
 
 The man who carries scars can give you 
 sounder advice than the man who does n't. 
 
 f 
 
 Blessed is that man whose percentage of 
 commonsense runs up into the nineties. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Wise is the guy who can tell people things 
 he does n't know and get paid for it. 
 
50 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 YOU will never know what Life is until 
 you have been both bitterly reviled 
 and deeply beloved. 
 
 f 
 
 Brains are a birthday present. You can't 
 take them away from college unless you 
 take them with you when you go in. 
 
 Successful advertising is the fine art of 
 doing the thing as others have not done it. 
 
 You can spout and shout about truth, but 
 that does not make you a truthful man. 
 
 § 
 
 No worthy cause is ever harmed by hear- 
 ing the other side. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 51 
 
 YOU can not accurately judge the im- 
 portance of a factory by the noise of 
 its whistle. 
 
 <i 
 
 The token of wisdom is to establish a 
 working agreement between the brain and 
 the mouth. 
 
 f 
 
 No writer or artist can be brilliant except 
 upon occasion, when the voltage is just right. 
 
 fl 
 
 What makes money valuable is the fact 
 that a lot of folks have n't got any. 
 
 Truth can never be fixed by resolution nor 
 determined by a committee. 
 
52 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 MAN sprang from monkeys all right, but 
 the distance covered did not break 
 any records. 
 
 The only work that wears and tires is the 
 work that leaves no thrill of joy when the 
 day is done. 
 
 Doctors will never pay for advertising so 
 long as newspapers hand it to them free. 
 
 It is a mighty fine thing to forget the other 
 fellow and center upon yourself. 
 
 Look out for the guy who displays his 
 morals in the show window. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 53 
 
 YOU had better enjoy life while you have 
 it'. You can never get away from this 
 world and take it along. 
 
 § 
 
 Knowledge garnered from experience is 
 the kind of knowledge that gets your name 
 on the letterhead. 
 
 Be just as truthful as you know how, but 
 for the sake of self-respect don't boast of it. 
 
 Reputation proceeds from but one cause, 
 and that is by deserving it. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Be an individual — there is so little compe- 
 tition. 
 
54 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 SOME men attend conventions to improve 
 their knowledge, but most men go to 
 improve their opportunities. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Men who make laws are not quite so 
 important to the world as men who make 
 business. 
 
 f 
 
 What this country needs is birth control 
 of bedbugs and bull-con. 
 
 Honesty and truthfulness are never genu- 
 ine when exploited. 
 
 Bumps are what you need to get there- 
 not books. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 55 
 
 LAUGH when you lose, be modest when 
 you win, do the best you can, and let 
 it go at that. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Riches are largely a matter of conscience. 
 Great wealth comes from squeezing pennies 
 from the poor. 
 
 No matter what kind of medicine you take, 
 the undertaker will get you anyhow. 
 
 Success comes from what you do^ — not 
 from what you memorize. 
 
 n 
 
 All women are charming, even though 
 many are not clever. 
 
56 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 BEFORE blaming the man who stumbles, 
 you better look what sort of burden 
 he has on his back. 
 
 One-half the world thinks the other half 
 is trying to steal its money — and generally 
 it is. 
 
 f 
 
 The most satisfying and healthful indoor 
 sport is exercising the intellect. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Get your brain hitting on all its cylinders 
 before you begin to think. 
 
 € 
 
 Advertising is the art of handling truth 
 with variations. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 57 
 
 THE Christianity of Christ and the mad 
 Dash after Dollars are not chemical 
 affinities — really they will not mix. 
 
 To take ** bargains ** away from a woman 
 is the same as taking water away from a 
 duck. 
 
 n 
 
 The dullness of a man's intellect can often 
 be judged by the brilliance of his necktie. 
 
 No one ever does anything big unless he 
 does it exactly as he pleases. 
 
 f 
 
 Outside of the experience, there is little in 
 getting soused. 
 
58 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 MOST lawyers are dam glad to get the 
 job, no matter which side of the case 
 is offered them. 
 
 Anger gets you nowhere except to a 
 sanitarium. Many doctors thrive because 
 many people get mad. 
 
 The things that can not be taught out of 
 books are the things that put you ** next.*' 
 
 f 
 
 A kick from the rear does not rank so high 
 in reform tactics as a pat on the shoulder. 
 
 Liars supply the necessary background to 
 make Honesty conspicuous. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 59 
 
 ANY one can buy advertising, but the 
 genius is he who has pubUcity cast upon 
 him without price. 
 
 Fame and reputation flow to the lawyer in 
 proportion as he succeeds in keeping crim- 
 inals out of jail. 
 
 The world is redeemed by men and women 
 whose brains do not think in a rut. 
 
 Ethical codes die, like men, and decency 
 demands their burial. 
 
 Truth is not true until it is carried out into 
 decimals. 
 
60 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 DO not attempt to knock the ball over the 
 fence when a single is all that is needed 
 to bring in the winning run. 
 
 It is an axiom in business, I believe, that 
 you do not get any profit when you sell a 
 thing for less than it cost you. 
 
 Any fool can join an Ad Club, but it takes 
 a man with brains to be an advertiser. 
 
 Great men do not really begin to live until 
 after they are dead. 
 
 To yell honesty is not so impressive as to 
 practise honesty. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 61 
 
 WHAT the world needs is not human 
 machines and more product, but 
 human happiness and better product. 
 
 C 
 
 The man intent on getting the law on his 
 neighbor is preparing for his neighbor to get 
 the law on him. 
 
 Up to date, all attempts to create news by 
 using big type have resulted in failure. 
 
 Caution does n*t count unless you know 
 when to toss it aside and plunge. 
 
 It is sad but true that bad things are more 
 '* catching ** than good. 
 
62 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 PIE difference between Facts and Con- 
 versation seems so small that most of 
 us don't see it. 
 
 ^ 
 
 How unfortunate that many speakers do 
 not know the difference between oratory 
 and noise! 
 
 The only writers who ** write themselves 
 out " are the writers who write what is not so. 
 
 « 
 
 It is not what you get, but what you 
 expect to get, that makes Life worth while. 
 
 Nothing is free — not even salvation or 
 trading-stamps. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 63 
 
 THE happiest hours are at the evening 
 fireside when a man relates his day's 
 triumph to his family. 
 
 f 
 
 Virtue stands out more boldly when there 
 is a background of vice to stipply the needed 
 contrast. 
 
 Many laws are introduced and passed by 
 people who want revenge. 
 
 Intelligence can never be extracted from 
 a brain that possesses it not. 
 
 The only way to arrive is to start and keep 
 going on. 
 
64 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 TRY being a highlight part of the time 
 only. You have got to be a shadow once 
 in a while so the highlights will show. 
 
 A Good Reputation is a thing of slow 
 growth, while a Bad Reputation may come 
 between darkness and daylight. 
 
 Deep thought and stupidity are much 
 alike, except that they are very different. 
 
 The man who wants war never seems to 
 realize that he can get it bi^ joining the army. 
 
 Economy is a virtue and waste is wicked- 
 ness. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 65 
 
 POVERTY is a blessing in this respect: 
 You may experience the supreme joy of 
 doing your own work. 
 
 q 
 
 A careful search of the records goes to 
 show that " chewing the rag " can not be 
 depended upon to change results. 
 
 Law-makers seem to create more trouble 
 than they correct. 
 
 The only things you can never get too 
 much of are facts. 
 
 Beware of the man who uses his honesty 
 as fly-paper. 
 
66 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 BEATEN paths are for the Lilliputs. 
 Climb the fence and cut across if you 
 ever expect to ** arrive.** 
 
 The cry is for men who can do things — for 
 men who are neither echoes nor rubber 
 stamps. 
 
 An abiUty and a desire to render a useful 
 service are the only tests of respectability. 
 
 It is quite as important to be honest your- 
 self as to require honesty from others. 
 
 Guilt is almost as immune as innocence if 
 you have the price in your clothes. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 67 
 
 THE rewards awaiting the honest poHti- 
 cian are priceless, but none has yet 
 appeared to collect the prize. 
 
 There is nothing finer in the whole category 
 of existence than the Woman Who Works. 
 No, I did n't say with her tongue. 
 
 The number of drug-stores is in inverse 
 ratio to the number of woodpiles. 
 
 Living on a small salary is an easy task 
 because so many of us do it. 
 
 q 
 
 A little science and a lot of sweat make a 
 great combination. 
 
68 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 13EF0RE arriving anywhere it is always 
 *^ necessary to start, but this rather 
 important point is frequently overlooked. 
 
 A cocktail lifts you up for one hour, but it 
 takes many hours to recover from the jar 
 you get when you hit the ground. 
 
 Before you tell your boss to go to hell, be 
 reasonably sure he will stand for it. 
 
 The things that kill genius are rules and 
 regulations. 
 
 f 
 
 Don't let anybody clip the wings of your 
 ideas. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 69 
 
 IF you have never made a serious mistake, 
 the chances are you have never done 
 anything worth while. 
 
 Three words constitute the only code of 
 Ethics that mankind needs — The Golden 
 Rule. 
 
 Language is a means many people adopt to 
 tell things which they do not know. 
 
 It is a great gift to be able to distinguish 
 between truth and a jumble of words. 
 
 A boss is as necessary in promoting good 
 as in promoting evil. 
 
70 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 SO long as Fashion and Hygiene are at 
 odds, the medical ** perfesh *' will con- 
 tinue to collect the coin. 
 
 The greatest crime is idleness, and when 
 the human parasite is eliminated the millen- 
 nium will be just around the corner. 
 
 Brevity is all right, provided you don't 
 stop before you are through. 
 
 n 
 
 Language is the greatest force in the world 
 — except Love. 
 
 Nature plays no favorites, and neither 
 does God. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 71 
 
 SO much depends upon the choice of 
 parents that children should be taught 
 the importance of wise selection. 
 
 To bestow a swift kick or give a piece of 
 silver — there lies the art of determining 
 values. 
 
 Troubles that don't happen worry you 
 more than those that do. 
 
 f 
 
 Nature is lavish in the production of 
 everything but great men. 
 
 No one will believe in you until you 
 believe in yourself. 
 
72 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 HEALTH is somewhat more important 
 than pleasure, but quite a few folks 
 do not recognize this as being so. 
 
 The trouble about what the world calls 
 ** success " is that you have to be a hog to 
 attain it. 
 
 In heaven's name, be Somebody, but to be 
 Somebody you must Be Yourself. 
 
 A low price and a bargain are radically 
 different propositions. 
 
 ^ 
 
 If you want to go fast, do not be in too 
 much of a hurry. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 73 
 
 GREAT men are those who do one thing 
 big enough to divert attention from 
 their many mistakes. 
 
 If you do not want to ** travel on the rim " 
 after you are forty, you 'd better take care 
 of your tires before you are forty. 
 
 n 
 
 Some one may have said it before, but 
 nothing except honesty ever wins out. 
 
 Even Diogenes lacked the nerve to look 
 for an honest lawyer. 
 
 There is only one real excuse for War, and 
 that is Peace. 
 
74 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 THE first date on a man's tombstone is 
 fixed by his parents, but the last date 
 is largely fixed by himself. 
 
 Nothing pleases a man more than dis- 
 covering a new way to comb his hair so that 
 the bald spot will be less conspicuous. 
 
 The original man is he who knows how to 
 ** swipe '* and change the setting of the gem. 
 
 A plated thing does not wear well, whether 
 it be a piece of jewelry or a reputation. 
 
 ^ 
 
 What you do is not half so important as 
 doing what you do do well. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 75 
 
 W 
 
 ISE is he who knows when he has 
 enough, and works hard the rest of 
 his Hfe not to get more. 
 
 Q 
 
 Things that you think you want are often 
 things that you don't want after you get 
 them. 
 
 Some folks could n't see an opportunity if 
 it came down Broadway carrying a red flag. 
 
 One advantage of a trip across the ocean 
 is that you don't pass any tombstones. 
 
 n 
 
 The only man worth while is the man who 
 is intent on his job. 
 
76 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 YOU can never deliver what you have n't 
 got. Take an inventory before sending 
 for the express- wagon. 
 
 Trying to get something for nothing 
 usually results in this: You give more than 
 you get. 
 
 People who look to doctors for good health 
 have their eyes turned in the wrong direction. 
 
 To master the art of Doing Things, you 
 first must master the art of Hurrying Slowly. 
 
 History repeats, but usually at a time 
 when you have no bet up. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 77 
 
 YOUR importance in the world is judged 
 by the character and the number of 
 your enemies. 
 
 If you can not work more today than 
 yesterday, work better, and the score will 
 stand as high. 
 
 The wearing of whiskers is no longer con- 
 sidered essential to the possession of wisdom. 
 
 § 
 
 The real hero is he who plays dice with 
 Death when he knows the dice are loaded. 
 
 n 
 
 Honesty that has never been sorely tested 
 really does n*t count. 
 
78 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 LADIES intent upon regaining Youth 
 would do well to use their minds more 
 and their cosmetics less. 
 
 Neither a whistle nor a clock is needed to 
 tell the worthy man when to go to work or 
 when to quit. 
 
 Law is founded upon precedent, whether 
 there be justice in the precedent or not. 
 
 The further away you keep from a drug- 
 store, the nearer you keep to health. 
 
 The things that cost you most are the 
 things you get for nothing. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 79 
 
 THE first step to secure the loyal services 
 of an employee is to sacredly keep all 
 promises you make him. 
 
 The unselfish man is an inspiring subject 
 to talk about, but if you want to work up 
 an appetite, go out and find him. 
 
 Brains count for more than long hair and a 
 big necktie in making an artist. 
 
 Everything about the automobile has 
 been improved but the smell. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Kindness is always in order, but where 
 kindness fails, try a kick. 
 
80 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 YOU will never amount to much until you 
 are pointed out as either ** dangerous ** 
 it it 
 
 or crazy. 
 
 q 
 
 Men who give themselves the worst of it 
 today usually expect to get the best of it 
 tomorrow. 
 
 Love is a terrific tax on Life. Do not crowd 
 too much of it into a day or a week or a year. 
 
 Knowing when to begin is important, but 
 only the wise know when to stop. 
 
 € 
 
 Virtue may be the result of opportunity- 
 or rather the lack of it. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 81 
 
 A SON would always be better off if he 
 ^ ^ could inherit more of the old man's 
 brains and less of his money. 
 
 n 
 
 Theology can be put up in cans, but 
 Common Sense has defied all efforts in that 
 direction. 
 
 Hell, high water and court injunctions hin- 
 dereth not when a man is really in earnest. 
 
 n 
 
 Medicine is the main handicap that 
 Nature has to overcome in curing the sick. 
 
 To a lady fair: When perfume fails, try a 
 bath. 
 
82 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 A KICK coming rapidly from behind is 
 ^ ^ sometimes more bracing than a sweet 
 caress or a sympathetic sigh. 
 
 Some Uttle trouble may come from on 
 high, but most of it we ourselves make here 
 below. 
 
 To become a philosopher, read much, 
 remember much and loaf much. 
 
 The only religion that rings true is the 
 religion you make for yourself. 
 
 Classical music is a bit of melody sur- 
 rounded by a lot of noise. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 83 
 
 WHAT you learn in books never counts 
 ' for so much as what you learn by 
 ** being up against it.** 
 
 If you think you can change values by 
 changing labels, you will never rank with 
 such thinkers as Darwin and Buckle. 
 
 A genius is a man who does as he dam 
 pleases, and is neither ashamed nor afraid. 
 
 People who carry grouches under their 
 vests are headed straight for Muldoon*s. 
 
 Great events lie before the man who has 
 an intellect and knows how to use it. 
 
84 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 THERE are few great men, simply because 
 it takes a dense background of fools 
 to set them off. 
 
 The knowledge you get out of knocks is 
 the knowledge that lifts you above the 
 push. 
 
 A brass band is really not needed in fixing 
 your importance to the community. 
 
 The corpse in the mausoleum is just as 
 dead as the corpse in the trenches. 
 
 Men who follow paths do not run up a 
 high score. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 85 
 
 ¥"1 7HEN any man tells you he under- 
 ▼ ▼ stands woman, it is your privilege 
 to clear the throat and close one eye. 
 
 The man who is intent on his job generally 
 figures, at the end of the season, among those 
 who hit above .300. 
 
 Great indeed is this truth : The surest way 
 to injure yourself is to do injury to another. 
 
 The worst form of dishonesty is being 
 honest ** because it pays.** 
 
 n 
 
 Hurry all you please, so long as you take 
 plenty of time about it. 
 
86 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 A DOCTOR becomes useful only when 
 he discovers that he can accomplish 
 more without medicine than with it. 
 
 In going through Life you will find the 
 cards stacked against you, but the beauty 
 of it is that you know it. 
 
 The size of a man's mouth does not indi- 
 cate the size of his brain. 
 
 I would rather make one new path than 
 follow forty old ones. 
 
 If you please the public, it will buy what 
 you have to sell. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 87 
 
 THE epigram is a sermon in a sentence, 
 told quickly before the thought is lost 
 in a maze of words. 
 
 If you think you possess a value greater 
 than the world recognizes, think again, for 
 you are probably wrong. 
 
 Eczema, fleas and love are equally irri- 
 tating, and none of them can be hidden. 
 
 ^ 
 
 The men who make history are men who 
 start Something Big. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Give me the man who works more than 
 he talks. 
 
88 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 LOAFING kills men quicker than work- 
 ing, and the undertaker scents a job the 
 moment you ** retire from business.** 
 
 ^ 
 
 Up to date neither the House nor the 
 Senate has been able to change human 
 nature by legal enactment. 
 
 n 
 
 The most deadly dull of all literature is 
 one hundred per cent perfect in syntax. 
 
 n 
 
 Perspiration will get you to the destina- 
 tion quicker than inspiration. 
 
 Coarseness is never clever, and cleverness 
 is never coarse. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 89 
 
 BEFORE a judge renders a decision, a 
 physician should examine him to see if 
 he is suffering from indigestion. 
 
 Do not select for your cashier a man whose 
 first concern in the morning is tips on the 
 afternoon's races. 
 
 If you take all the advice offered, you will 
 pass yourself going in opposite directions. 
 
 Wall Street is the rendezvous of the lamb, 
 the lobster and the loblolly. 
 
 f 
 
 Scars are worth all they cost, no matter 
 how you got them. 
 
90 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 NATURE will pigeon-hole you at the first 
 sign of laziness. The token that distin- 
 guishes the living from the dead is work. 
 
 Great riches do not necessarily imply 
 theft, but somehow or other it often looks 
 that way. 
 
 The melody of music does not proceed 
 from the bass drum. 
 
 <i 
 
 The more you believe, the less are you 
 able to think. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Size means little — much of the doughnut 
 consists of hole. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 91 
 
 THE highest morality is represented by 
 those who work for a Uving and Uve on 
 what they earn. 
 
 You can not get half as much real infor- 
 mation in a college as you can in an ofHce or 
 a factory. 
 
 We can all make a dollar go fast, even 
 though we fail in making it go far. 
 
 f 
 
 Loud reports are not always made with 
 gunpowder. Ask Bradstreet or Dun. 
 
 <i 
 
 Although all men are born free and equal, 
 that condition ends at marriage. 
 
92 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 IT is sad to say, but true nevertheless, that 
 men who think are largely outnumbered 
 by men who don't. 
 
 So long as what a man writes is under- 
 stood by the average intellect, of what use 
 is grammar? 
 
 The real-estate agent is closely pressing 
 Ananias for the record he so long has held. 
 
 If you want to promote goods that every 
 buyer will push along, try wheelbarrows. 
 
 « 
 
 God will judge you more by the little 
 things you have done than by the big. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 93 
 
 THE difference between Graft and Theft 
 is as narrow as the difference between 
 ten cents and a dime. 
 
 Most things are all right until the high- 
 brow begins to codify, classify and give 
 them a college education. 
 
 ^ ■ 
 
 What a mountain of gold there would be 
 in hell if rich people could take it with them. 
 
 ^ 
 
 A prize-fighter is often like a bottl< 
 developed from the neck down. 
 
 Saratoga does not begin to equal Wall 
 Street as a watering-place. 
 
94 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 ORATORY is the art of making people 
 think you know what you are talking 
 about, whether you do or not. 
 
 f 
 
 The idea that you are respectable and the 
 other fellow is n't may not be shared by your 
 neighbors. 
 
 A highbrow is always an employee — 
 never an employer. Look this up and see. 
 
 No physician can do so much for your 
 health as you can do for yourself. 
 
 Wait until the wind is from the East 
 before you pray for rain. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 95 
 
 LOVE that survives the combined odor of 
 onions and beer is the only love that 
 tests true under acid. 
 
 ^ 
 
 The dilettante is classified in therapeutics 
 among the emetics. Like ipecac, he produces 
 nausea. 
 
 Play with the cards held close up, and 
 see to it that the deck is not ** cold.** 
 
 Nothing is complex unless you make it 
 so, women excepted. 
 
 « 
 
 Why not set more people to work and 
 send fewer to jail? 
 
96 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 WATER is a good thing to put in the 
 radiator, but a dam bad thing to put 
 in the gas-tank. 
 
 C 
 
 Hell yawns for the vivisectionist, and all 
 the draughts are opened wide when he 
 arrives. 
 
 Good health comes pretty near being 
 nothing more than good digestion. 
 
 C 
 
 No card system so far introduced will put 
 brains into a man's head. 
 
 Deal from the top of the deck, and do not 
 overplay your pile. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 97 
 
 IF I were St. Peter, clean teeth would 
 count as much as character in figuring up 
 
 the averages. 
 
 The world needs people who can carry big 
 burdens and strike blows that leave deep 
 dents. 
 
 Ethics and precedents have set Progress 
 back thousands of years. 
 
 Final truth for everybody is as far away 
 as lO-cent gasoline. 
 
 q 
 
 The only way to master a thing is to work 
 
 at it. 
 
98 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 T 
 
 'HINK more of the Here and the Now 
 and less of the Hereafter — and it is you 
 for a long life. 
 
 Every moment that passes without your 
 getting experience out of it is a moment 
 wasted. 
 
 An honest man can not help being honest, 
 any more than a liar can help lying. 
 
 n 
 
 The supply of " suckers " has never 
 exceeded the demand. 
 
 The money-making reformer is always a 
 cheat and a fraud. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 99 
 
 WHEN you come to see that there is 
 more in paying wages than in receiv- 
 ing them, big indeed will be your vision. 
 
 Men with big bellies hold the average 
 true by having small brains. 
 
 ^ 
 
 To take without giving an equivalent is 
 dishonorable and wicked. 
 
 To pay your debts is as beautiful as Faith, 
 Hope and Charity. 
 
 g 
 
 It costs more money to get dyspepsia 
 than to cure it. 
 
100 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 A GENTLEMAN is a man who can show 
 a kindly interest when the women folks 
 discuss recipes for prune-flip. 
 
 Pay your debts, mind your own business, 
 give folks a square deal, live one day at a 
 time, and you have more than a fifty-fifty 
 chance of reaching the Happy Land. 
 
 The act of spitting on the hands is not 
 copyrighted. Help yourself. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Putting her name and address in a book 
 is only postponing trouble. 
 
 It is a great art to avoid being caught. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 101 
 
 I AM sick and tired of the fashions — thor- 
 oughly discouraged to see how, having 
 descended from the anthropoidal ape, we 
 are headed back to him again. 
 
 There will be no more Michelangelos and 
 Leonardos until the dollar and the dividend 
 are no longer held out as Life's leading lure. 
 
 Truth is a condition of mind — not a 
 definable thing. 
 
 The only good that comes from kicking 
 is the exercise. 
 
 You can not raise standards by raising hell. 
 
102 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 POLICEMEN are paid bigger salaries 
 than school-teachers, thus indicating 
 that we consider it more important to put 
 folks in jail than to put knowledge into 
 children's heads. 
 
 If your eye sees no further than the pay- 
 envelope Saturday night, you need not 
 anticipate being elected President of the 
 Company when next a vacancy occurs. 
 
 Writers who get their inspiration out of 
 cigarettes and booze seldom succeed in 
 breaking any long-distance records. 
 
 Heroes never wear plug hats. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 103 
 
 BLOW off all denominational froth and 
 foam, all theological piffle, all the musty- 
 mumblings of the doctrinaires, and this one 
 rule will get you into Paradise: Be on the 
 level. 
 
 More money is spent in this country for 
 chewing-gum than for books, which seems 
 to explain why so many more people exer- 
 cise their jaws than their intellects. 
 
 Somehow or other, taxes always go up, 
 no matter who is elected. 
 
 f 
 
 Fame is never found at the end of a path. 
 Do not belittle a fact — face it. 
 
104 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 LAWS regulate your birth, your schooling, 
 your marriage, your business, your 
 habits, your food, your drink, your medicine, 
 your decline and your death. Be patient, and 
 laws will yet regulate your haircut, the hang 
 of your pants, and the mouth-wash you must 
 use before you can kiss your wife and 
 children. 
 
 How fortunate that great beauty and a 
 large brain capacity are rarely combined in 
 the same woman! A combination like that 
 is always dangerous and often irresistible. 
 
 Success and greatness do not come in cans. 
 Why dig up troubles that are dead? 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 105 
 
 AMAN*S life is not to be judged or mea- 
 sured by the money he piles up and 
 leaves for his heirs and assigns to dissipate, 
 but by the service he rendered his associates 
 and the public. 
 
 The man who is ** hard to see ** is always 
 a prig and a pollywumpus. 
 
 We all try to sell high and buy low — let 's 
 admit it here and now. 
 
 Everything should be just what it seems 
 to be — but never will. 
 
 If you want to reform something, begin 
 with yourself. 
 
106 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 ROCKEFELLER puts on the soft pedal 
 when he annexes a hundred millions, 
 while the newsboy yells like hell to make a 
 cent. Noise is seldom a token of wisdom. 
 
 ^ 
 
 The natural always rises superior to the 
 artificial if you will be a bit patient and wait. 
 
 Exercise your intellect more, and your 
 tongue will have less to do. 
 
 How little glory there is in a costly coffin ! 
 Fashion makes monkeys of us all. 
 None of us is any too good. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 107 
 
 LANGUAGE reveals the fool, and lan- 
 guage makes known the sage. 
 
 CJ Language makes us think. 
 
 C[ Language makes bad people good and 
 good people bad. 
 
 C[ Language separates husband from wife, 
 and language brings lover and sweetheart 
 together. 
 
 C; With language the orator sways his 
 audience from laughter to tears, from love 
 to hate, from espousal to opposition. 
 
 r Language is the weapon of the honest 
 man and of the demagogue ; of the saint and 
 of the hypocrite; of the benefactor and of 
 the scoundrel. 
 
 ^. Language establishes superstition, and 
 language sets the minds of men free. 
 
108 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 
 
 LANGUAGE makes war and peace, 
 slaves and freemen, States and Empires. 
 
 ^ Language is the lure of love and the 
 instrument of hatred. 
 
 ^ Language lays before us for a pittance all 
 the wisdom and knowledge garnered from 
 the intelligence of centuries dead and gone, 
 and language tells us today what was 
 accomplished yesterday. 
 
 ^ Language tumbles Governments, destroys 
 nations and overturns political parties. 
 
 C[ Language establishes and blasts reputa- 
 tions, burnishes and blackens character, 
 lauds and defames deeds. 
 
 ^ With language the mother croons her 
 babe to sleep, and with language the leader 
 transforms sane men into insane mobs. 
 
MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 109 
 
 LANGUAGE sets the innocent free and 
 I s^nds the guilty to the gallows. 
 
 C Language builds up mighty business enter- 
 prises, and turns waste places into hives of 
 industry. 
 
 ^ Language is used by the blasphemer, and 
 language is used by the devout when they 
 lift up their voices to God. 
 
 C Language cheers us while we live, and 
 language soothes us when Death beckons 
 with his bony hand. 
 
 ^ Nearly every blessing and nearly every 
 curse visited upon Mankind can be traced 
 to this mighty force we know as Language. 
 
 Cj You are what you are because of your use 
 or misuse of words. 
 
THIS IS THE END OF " MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS," 
 AS WRITTEN BY BERT MOSES AND PRINTED AT 
 EAST AURORA BY ROYCROFTERS GOOD AND TRUE 
 —ALL WITH COATS OFF AND SLEEVES ROLLED 
 UP. NAUGHT HAS BEEN SET DOWN OR DONE IN 
 MALICE, BUT THE GUIDING INSPIRATION HAS 
 BEEN TO MAKE SOME PEOPLE THINK, OTHERS 
 SMILE, AND STILL OTHERS LIFT AN EYEBROW. 
 THE WHOLE COMPLETED EARLY IN THE YEAR 
 NINETEEN HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN .■-•. ^ 
 
Additional copies of this book can be had by addressing the 
 author at 576 Fifth Avenue, New York, not forgetting the 
 price is one honest dollar, irrespective of the belief in some 
 quarters that the price exceeds the value. 
 
iS,f «y OF 
 
 ° 078 348 
 
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