THE AMATEUR SERIES. -A-ct -^^rell 3rovLr psirt.' HOMCEOPATHY Or the Family Cure. A FARCE. By J. C. TRANK :E>:Rxajs is oiEi^ars- CHICAGO: T. S. DENISON, PUBLISHER. NO PLAYS EXCHANGED THE STAR DRAMA. Price, FIFTEEN CTS. EACH, Postpaid. This series includes only plays of the hig^hcst order of merit. They arc the very hest before the public. These plays are rich in variety of incident, and spirited in action. The dramas combine tender pathos, delig-htful humor, and sparkling- wit. The farces are brimful of the rarest fun. This series is very carefully revised by an experienced editor. Each play is un- abridged. They are unequaled in fullness of stage directions, typography, and print. Every play on this list is a success. This series includes only plays suited to the present aay. AIiL.'THAT OL.1TTERS IS WOT OOIiD— A comic drama in two acts. Time, two hours. Six males, three females. CASTE.— A comedy in five acts. Time, two hours and thirty minutes. Five males, three females. EAST iilTSfWE.— A drama in five acts. Time, two hours and thirty minutes. Eight males, seven females. ERITITS OF THE WINK CUP.-A temperance drama in three .acts. Time fifty minutes. Six males, four females. HOME.— A comedy in five acts. Time, two hours. Four males, three females. ICI ON PARL.E FRANCAIS,— A farce. Time forty minutes. Four males, three females. IN THE WRONO HOUSE, (two T. J.'s) A farce. Time thirty minutes. Four males, two females. I'M NOT MESIIiF AT AMi,— A farce. Time, twenty-five minutes. Three males, two females. JOHN SMITH.— A farce. Time thirty-five min. Five males, three females. HISS IN THE DARK.— A sketch. Time thirty minutes. Three males, two females. liADV OF liYONS.— A drama in five acts. Time, two hours and forty-five minutes. Twelve males, four females. liARKINS' I.OVE IjETTERS.— A farce. Time, forty minutes. Four males, two females. liOUVA, THE PAUPER.— A drama in five acts. Time, one hour and forty-five minutes. Nine males, four females. lilMERICK BOY. (THE)- A farce. Time, forty-five minutes. Fi>re males, two females. MY WIFE'S REI.ATION8.— Comedietta. Time, one hour. Four males, six females. MY TURN NEXT.— A farce. Time forty-five min. Four males, three females. MY NEIi^HBOR'S WIFE.— A farce. Time forty-five minutes. Three males, three females. NOT SUCH A FOOIi AS HE liOOHS.— A farcical drama in three acts. Time, two hours. Five male-, four females, PiiRSECUTEB DUTCHMAN. (THE) —A farce. Time, fifty minutes. six males, three females. C^UIET FAMIIiY, (A)— A farce. Time, forty-five minutes. Four males, four females, REGUUAR FIX, (A)— A farce. Time, forty min. Six males, four females. ROUG^H DIAMOND. (THE) (Country Cousin)— A farce. Time, forty minutes. Four males, three females. SOliDIER OF FORTUNE. (A)— A comedy drama in five acts. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. Eight males, three females. SPARKUINO CUP, (THE)— A temperance play in five acts. Time, one hour and forty -five minutes. Twelve males, four females. TEN NIGHTS IN A BAR ROOM.— A temperance drama in five acts. Time, two hours. Twelve males, four females . TOODIiES, (THE)— A drama in two acts. Time, one hour and fifteen min. Six males, two females. TURN HIM OUT.— A farce. Time, forty-five min. Three males, two females. THE TWO PUDDIFOOTS.— A farce. Time, forty minutes. Three males, three females. UNDER THE LAUREIiS.— A drama in five acts. Time, one hour and forty-five minutes. Five males, four females. ;- T^S. DENISON, Publisher, Chicago. The Danger Signal, a drama in two acts, by T. S. Deni. son. Time, i hour, SO minutes ; 7 males, 4 females. Wide Enough for Two. a farce, byT. S. Denison. Time, 50 minutes; 4 males, 2 females. The Jol^ CAST OF CHARACTERS. Jerry McGillicuddy. — From the ould sod. Mr. Gorgibus. — Fond of Philosophy . Deacon Silvergrab. — In search oj a -wife. Adolphus Topnody. — Just married. Charles. — A persecuted lover. Susie Gorgibus. — A pretty blossom. Anna — {Her cousin). — Toung and lively. Mrs, Bangs. — Not married., but ivantsto be. DESCRIPTION OF SCENES. Scene I — A street in first grooves. Scene II — Parlor in Gorgibus^ house — Neatly and if possible^ ele- gantly furnished. Doors R. and L. Door C; ivindo-w L. C; small table C; chairs R. and L. Scene III — Sa7ne as Scene I. Scene IV. — Same as Scene IT. COSTUMES.— (Modern.) Time — about thirty minutes. STAGE DIRECTIONS. R, means right, the actor facing the audience; L, left; C, center; R C, right center, etc. [2] TMP92-009340 HOMCEOPATHY, Scene I, — A Street — Jerry heard singing off R. I wish to St. Patrick I was back in ould Cork, Where we drank buttermilk, and ate extra fat pork, Where the praties were maily an' couldn't be bate; An' no tay did we drink but supper did ate. {Enter Jerry /?. xvith bundle and stick). Jerry. Blessed Saint Patrick! where am I, anyhow, I wonder. This Ameriky is a dale of a country, an' no blarney. Here I've been wanderin' about all day, since breakfast, tryin' to find me some work; but nary a penny have I been able to scroipe in. Bad luck to the day when I left the boys an' girls in ould Oireland, an' crossed the say to Ameriky. But faith, it's no use sighin after the ould sod, or bein' down In the stomach about the shwate days gone by. I'll just thravel along, an' perhaps some gintleman of fortune will be afther axin' me in to sup- per, and make me his chief cashier an' door tender. {Exit L. singing). I wish to St. Patrick I was back in ould Cork, Where we drank buttermilk an' ate extra fat pork; Where the girls were so pretty an' saucy an' neat. An' their faces so buxom, ancl their kisses so sweet. {Enter Charles, /?.) Chas. Great Scot! was ever a human being so cruelly used as I am ! Here an entire week has elapsed without my being able to catch a single glimpse of my dear Susie. Old Gorgibus watches her as closely as an iron safe, and won't let any one see her. I've a great mind to bum down the house. {Enter Anna, L.) Anna. Good morning Mr. Charles ; you are just the person I am looking for. Chas. I am glad to see you, Anna. Is there any news? Anna. Yes, there is really a good deal of news. In the first place, my uncle, Mr. Gorgibus, is determined that he will marry that horrid housekeeper of hi«, Mrs. Bangs. In the next place, he is equally de- termined that cousin Susie shall marry that miserly old Deacon Silver- grab; and I do believe that the wedding would have already taken place were it not that Susie loves you. She has confided it all to me {laughs playfully)^ and being reduced to extremities we have invented a little trick to hoodwink my uncle; and the near-sighted old fellow doesn't see [3] 4 HOMCEOPATHY. through our scheme at all. At this moment Susie is playing sick. Her credulous father really believes her to be dangerously ill, and has sent me to get a doctor. Now Charles, if you could only send some intimate friend of yours to play the physician you would at least be able to get a letter to Susie, once or twice a day, and no doubt you will soon find a way to carry her off, and marry her in spite of my vmcle and old Silvergrab. Chas. Thank you, Anna, for the interest you manifest in Susie and me. But I fear it would be difficult to find a doctor who would be willing to risk so much for me. I really know of no one who would do it. Anna. I think there will be no trouble. Fix up any of your friends as a doctor — your hired man if you can find no other. It is easy to de- ceive my uncle, and Mrs. Bangs is still more stupid. Neither of them would suspect a trick. But I must hurry back to the house. Be sure and have that doctor up in half an hour, if you love Susie. {Exit L.) Chas. I do love her; but by heavens! what shall I do! Our hired man is a clumsy, awkward old fellow, and would spoil everything. As to the boys, I'm afraid to ask any of them. But something must be done, and that quickly. I wonder "if Billie wouldn't.? Not likely. But I'll ask him anyhow. {Goes L.) {Reenter Jerry L. stops Charles). Jerry, The top o'the mornin' to you, sur. Couldn't you be afther givin' a poor Irishman a job o'work, if you plaize, sur! Chas. My dear fellow, you have nearly frightened me out of my Avits. What is it you want.? Jerry. I'm a lonely Irishman widout the comforts of domestic af- flictions. Couldn't ye be afther helpin me to a little job o'work.? Chas. {aside) This is just the fellow I want, {aloud) Ah! my friend, I am at this moment in need of a servant; but indeed, I do not know what you are capable of doing. Jerry. Don't worry about that, sur. I can do anything. Just try me in a matter of business, something important, if you plaize. Send me to market to ax the price o'butter an' eggs, or to find out what time it is by the town clock, or to see which way the wind blows, or anything else that's difficult, I don't care what, an' I'll do the thing up to your intire satisfaction. Sure, I can do anything from feedin' the pigs an' chickens to rockin' the baby's cradle. Chas. Ha! ha! you are certainly quite a genius. Jerry. Faith, I am that, sur. When I lived In Cork wid my grand- father — did you iver see my grandfather.? Chas. I think not. Jerry. Indeed! then you was niver in Cork.? Chas. No, never. Jerrv. Well, now, raaly, that's surprisin', I can tell you. I knowed there was some folks that was niver in old Oireland, but I thought ivery- body had been in Cork. But no matter, when I lived in Cork wid my grandfather, as I said before Chas. Where was your father! Jerry. I niver had one, sur. Chas. That's quite impossible lIOMCKOi^ATHY. 5 Jerry. I know that, but it's truth all the same. You see there Is exceptions to Iverything nowadays, an' I am an exception to the gineral rule. My mother told me I dropped down from heaven one day widout any warnin', an' that's all the information I iver got about it, sur. Well, when I lived wid my grandfather who kept a tavern in Cork, I was his confidential sarvant. I put out the horses, milked the cows, fed the pigs and geese, took care of the dog, washed the dishes, cooked the dinners, made the beds, scrubbed the floors, killed the cats, dressed the babies, kissed the girls, and did iverythi ng else that a gintleman like me could be expected to do. Chas. Ha! ha! ha! you are just the fellow I want. Jerry, [aside) I thought so. Chas. But what is your name.? Jerry. Jerry, Jerry McGillicudy, Chas. All right. Now Jerry, I'll tell you what I want; you must counterfeit a doctor. Jerry. Counterfeit a doctor! Thunder an' buttermilk! I'd niver be able to do that. I can tell a lie, or do anything else that's mane; but I niver could be a doctor. Good morning, sur. {Goes L.) Chas. Stop a little my friend, and I will explain. Do you see yon- der brick house.'* {Pointing L.) Jerry. The one wid the steeple.'' Chas. No, that's a church, the next one; well, that's where Mr. Gorgibus lives. Jerry. The d 1 he does! Chas. That gentleman has a very beautiful daughter with whom I am deeply in love. But her father wants her to marry Deaeon Silvergrab, and wont let me come near the house. Now old Gorgibus is as stupid as a mule, and we have invented a little trick to deceive him. The young lady is playing sick, and I want you to go to the house as doctor and carry her my letters. Now, Jerry, if you will help me to carry out this little game, I will give you twenty dollars a month. Jerry. Twenty dollars a month! Do you raaly mane it.? Chas. I repeat, you shall have twent}-- dollars a month if you will faithfully carry out this little scheme. Jerry. Ah! when it comes to twenty dollars a month, I'll not say I won't be a doctor — did you say board and washin' too? C?ias. Yes, board, washing, lodging, — everything included. Jerry. I'm your man — jvist give me a letter, an' I'll be off at once. Chas. I must write one first; besides, you will need a little fixing up. So follow me, we haven't a minute to lose. {Exit R.) Jerry, {frowning). What would my darling Kitty say if she knowed I was goin' to be a doctor to a purty girl that isn't sick! {Exit R.) {Enter Deacon Silvergrab., R.). Dea. {looking at watch). Bless my stars ! here it is nearly ten o'clock, and I haven't paid my compliments to Miss Gorgibus yet. Well, I'll go at once — the dear creature is so affectionately fond of me that 1 can't bear the thought of disappointing her a minute — I candidly believe I shall be obliged to discontinue my parochial duties until after the nuptials have been celebrated. Miss Gorgibus, and my regular philosophical 6 HOMCEOPATHY. pursuits require so much of my time that I don't get anything else accomplished. When I married the first Mrs, Silvergrab, I didn't have half the fuss, and— and so forth, that I now have. But in this refined age, one must be thoroughly imbued v^^ith a spirit of romance, chivalry, and poetry ; and woo the ferninine heart according to the approved fashion of modern aesthetics, (ext'i L.). {Enter Adolphus^ /?,). Adoh Conglomerate my cerebellum! this matrimonial adventure has proved the most felicitous movement that it was ever the good for- tune of Adolphus Topnody to undertake. Perforate my magnanimous pericranium! these three weeks of married life have been the most delightful moments of my life. (Jooks at -watch). Conglomerate my cerebellum! It's an hour and twenty-two minutes "standard time" since I have seen my dear Sarah Jane — I'll go home to her at once. Con- glomerate my cerebellum! {exit L.). {Re-enter Charles and Jerry., R). Chas. Have you the letter, safe.? ^ Jerry, {holding up letter). I have, sur. Chas. Now, pray be careful, Jerry. Jerry. Oh, niver fear ; sure' I can kill a purty girl as asy as any other doctor in town. But what kind of physic must I be after givin' the young lady ! Chas. None at ali; the letter is the chief thing. But if old Gorgi- bus should ask any questions talk about homoeopathy — remember you are a homoeopathic doctor ; tell him about Plato, Socrates, and Hippocrates. The old fellow is a fool and will be easily blinded. Jerry. That means I'm to talk philosophy, politics, an' blarney ginerally. Niver fear but I'll get the blind side of the old man, an' doc- tor the young lady beautifully. Chas. But be very careful, or you will spoil everything, {exit R.) Jerry. Don't worry about that — I'll do the thing up foine. Sure, he don't know what a bo>^ I am fur the girls; an' as fur tellin' lies, my ould grandfather used to say, I could beat the very ould Nick himself So I'm a doctor, wid a cane an'.foine clothes. (Surveys himself) an' goin* to attind a young girl that hain't sick, an' git twenty dollars a month fur doin' the*^ job. Now, it strikes me that I am gittin' up in the world moighty fasht; an' I'd feel furst rate if I only knowed that my darlin' Kitty wouldn't kick up a row about my bein' a homoeopath-etic doctor. Brimstone and fire bugs! I niver can remember that wo'd. But I must be off as fasht as my legs can carry ine. Och! this Ameriky is a dale of a country an' no blarne}'. {e.xit L., singing-). Scene ii. A parlor in Gorgibus' house. Discovered Mrs. Bangs seated R. reading a novel: also Gorgibus pacing the floor). Gorg. My dear Mrs, Bangs, will not my daughter's sudden illness require the nuptials to be postponed.^ Mrs. B. It certainly will; the marriage cannot take place while the poor girl is so sick. But will it be necessary to postpone our wedding also.!* HOMOEOPATHY. 7 Gorg. I have reflected about that, and think it would be wiser to do 80. It would be such an apt illustration of the bonds of filial affection to celebrate the nuptials of father and daughter at one and the same time. {Enter Deacon Silver gr ah ^ R.). Gorg. How do you do, my dear Deacon ! How do I find you this morning! Mrs. B. Pray be seated, Mr. Silvergrab, Dea. {sitting Z^., and arranging collar and cravat). I am in the en- joyment of my customary fine health. Might I be permitted to inquire after yourselves? Mrs. B. Alas! Mr. Silvergrab, a sore affliction has befallen us all. Dea. (with a groan). The heavens forbid ! Mrs. B. It is only too true — only too true, — pray explain, Mr. Gor- gibus, my nerves are so sadly shaken. Gorg. Yes, dear Deacon, the terrible black-winged messenger of disease has visited the sacred precincts of this happy household. My daughter has been taken ill very suddenly and I fear the nuptials must be postponed. I have sent for the doctor. Dea. Oh! terrific misfortune! It rends rriy heart in twain to hear it. Gorg. Quite natural, quite natural. We have both of us so eagerly looked forward to the blessed moment when we might lead the idols of our hearts to the foot of the hy menial altar: and now that this misfor- tune has befallen us, it is really too sad to think of. {Enter Anna L.). Anna, {a^ectionatefy). My dear uncle, I bring you good news. I have engaged the ablest doctor in the world to attend upon cousin Susie. He comes from foreign lands — Hibernia, I think — and no doubt will soon cure poor Susie. He is a homoeopathic doctor, and is so learned {flayftdly and luith vivacity) that, do you know uncle, I almost wish I were sick myself that he might cure me. Gorg. My dear, dear girl! how can gratitude ever repay your kind- ness.'' But where is this physician.? Anna. He will be here in a few moments, {bell rings). Ah! he is ringing now — I will bring him up. {exit /?.). Gorg. I too must go and greet this wonderful physician, {exit R.). Mrs. B. What kind of a physician did she say this is.? Dea. He is — he is — that is, I can't at this instant recall the techni- cal name; but he belongs to a newly discovered sect of physicians who cure people not so much by the medicine they give them, as by the medicine they don't give them. {Re-enter Gor gibus R. followed by Jerry and Anna). Gorg. I have sent tor you, doctor, to see my daughter, who is very ill. Jerry. I am highly obliged to ye, sur. {aside). Now for some philosophy, {aloud). Socrates says, and Pluto proves widout a doubt that a person is not well when he is sick: an' Lord Pork remarks that -a per- son is sick when he is not enjoying good health. Gorg. Who says that! g HOMCEOPATAY. Jerry. Lord Pork. Gorg. Lord Pork ! Lord Pork ! let me reflect a Dea. I should judge the learned doctor refers to Lord Bacon. Jerry. Exactly, sur; exactly. Lord Bacon — that's the man. I got a troifle confused in the name. Gorg. Don't mention it, don't mention it; the wisest of men some- times fall into error. You see, doctor, Miss Gorgibus is my only daugh- ter and I place all confidence in you. , Jerry. An' well you may, Misther Gorgibus. I am not an ivery day kind of a doctor. I am a homoeo — (aside) oh murther ! I've ciane forgot what I am. {scratches his head). Ould Ireland foriver! I've got it. {aloud) Misther Gorgibus, I am a homoeopath-etic doctor, and am the greatest, wisest, and wonderfullest physician in the physical, intellectual, and mineral faculty. Gorg. I am delighted to hear it. Jerry. All other doctors, in my opinion, are nothin' but murtherin' thaving villains. I studied in the animal, vegitive, conjugal, and hy- menial departments, an' can cure any disease. Let me feel your pulse, snr. {Jeels Gorgibus' pulse). Mrs . B. It is his daughter that is sick, not he. Jerry. No matter, the blood of the father and daughter are one ; and by ascertaining the stale of the former we find out what ails the other. Mrs. B. How learned! Dea. What marvelous erudition ! Gorg. {to Anna). Go fetch my daughter, that the great doctor may see her. Anna. Yes, uncle. {Exit L.) Jerry. What is it that's ailin' your daughter, may I ask, sur.? Gorg. The poor girl has caught the heart disease, and we have been obliged to postpone tlie nuptials on account of her illness. Jerry. Now that's bad indeed. But raaly, misther Gorgibus, it strikes me that if the girl isgoin'tobe married you'd be overpowered wid joy at her havin' the heart disease. Faith, I wouldn't have a wife that didn't have a touch of it. Gorg. I beseech you, dear doctor, that you will use all your mys- tery to cure her. Jerry. Don't worry about that; sure, I can cure anything. {Enter Susie L. supported by Anna). Jerry. Is this the young lady ! {aside). Faith, I feel the heart disease comin' over me — ain't she a jewel.? Beats ould Oireland all to blazes! {aloud) Mydarlin'let me feel your pulse. {Takes her hand and gives her letter unobserved by the rest). The pulse tells me she has the heart disease. Mrs. B. How quickly he found it out! Jerry. Of course; we great doctors can tell what the matter is at first sight: {to Susie) My jewel, my darlin' does the pain afflict you much } Susie. Very much. Jerry. Where does it hurt you.? Susie. {Points to her hearty and sighs). HOjMCEOPATHY 9 Jerry . There, I knowed it. I hit the nail on the head ivery time ; your daughter has the heart disease. Gorg. I believe you are right to say so; but can you tell me how this heart disease arises! Jerry. Nothin' more aisy, sur. Hippocrates says on the subject, a — a great many quare things. Gorg. No doubt, no doubt. Dea. He was a great man. Jerry. Hippocrates says Gorg. In what chapter, if you please. Jerry. In his chapter on — on hearts. Gorg. Very well, continue. Jerry. Hippocrates says on the subject a great many quare things ; but I am of the opinion, that this disease of the heart arises from various irresistible fa vers, which are called pulmonic favers, that is to say — fa vers which are pulmonic, and formed from sartin influences, an' cli- matic disarrangement, an' polar sensitiveness, arisin' in the regions of the disease — {to Gor gibus) do you understand French.^ Gor^. Not in the least. Jerry, {to the others). Do you ladies an' gintlemen understand French.? {Omnes nod negatively^). Jerry, {ass'aming various coinical attitudes). Gloria deus sanctissima est bonus singularite! Sic semper tyrannus a la mode! E pluribus unum St. Patrick! Nux voinica ergot (wzV// ^^'ea/ emphasis). Begorry! Gorg. Why didn't I study French.? Mrs. B. What a very clever man! Dta. Very clever, indeed. Anna. How beautiful ! I didn't understand a word of it. Susie. I think I feel some better already. Jerry, {aside) Aint she adarlin.? {aloud). Now this climatic dis- arrangement, an' polar sensitiveness which I tould you about, in passin' through the stomach, into the liver which is to the left, and the heart which is to the right, and havin' a visible communication wid the brain, by means of the windpipe, produce sartin vapors in the lungs — give great attention here. Gorg. I do, I do. Jerry. Which vapors bein' possessed wid sartin pizens — listen sharp now — Gorg. I am all ears. Jerry. Produce these irresistible fevers in the ventricles of the lungs and engender this disease of the heart; and that is exactly th^raison she is sick, sur. Mrs. B. How well the learned doctor explains all. Dea. He does indeed, madam. Gorg. It is very philosophical argument, no doubt. But there is one thing I don't understand clearly, and that is about Uie heart and the liver. The heart is to the left and the liver is to the right, is it not so.? Jerry. They formerly were ; but we great homoeopathetic doctors have changed all that, an' nowadays we practice physic on an intirely new plan. Mrs. B. How clear he makes everything! lO HOMCEOPATHY. Susie, {-with a deep sigh). Oh dear ! Jerry, {running to her side). What's the matther? — anything ailin you, my jewel? — are you sick? Susie. Oh! I am dying, I — I know I am. Jerry. Howly Saints! don't you do it -don't amuse yourself by dyin' until I write you a prescription. Get me a pen an' paper, quick, somebody. {Anna gets them). Is there anybody here that knows how to write? Gorg. Can't you write yourself? Jerry. Och ! blazes! I don't recollect now, sure I used to could; but I have so many things to remember that I forget half of them — misther Gorgibus, your daughter is very sick. I will write her a pre- scription and visit her two times ivery day fur the next six months. Gorg. You don't say so! You are a wonderful doctor, indeed. Come with me to the library, and I will arrange for your pay. Jerry, (aside). Am I ashlape, or dramin'? Is he goin' to pay me twice over agin I wonder? Bedad! it looks loike it. {aloud). Yes, sur, misther Gorgibus, I'm comin' {crosses stage ivhile speaking aside). This Ameriky is a dale of a country an' no blarney. {Glances at Susie). Aint she a darlin? {Exit Gorgibus L) Now that's what I call a lady, yes, sur. Beats o\ild Oireland — ould Nick burn me if she don't. Roses an' lilies! {smacks his lips) what cheeks! Tulips an' carnations! {smacks lips again) what's a whole jug-full of home made, double distilled, un dooty paid mountain dew Avhiskey compared to them lips? {Exit L.) Dea. The knowledge and information of some folks is surprisin'. How readily the learned physician spoke French, and elucidated this heart disease. Mrs. B. It is wonderful, indeed, especially those medical terms he quoted. But my dear Deacon, wouldn't you like a cup of tea to collect your shattered nerves? Come with me. {Rises) Dea. {rising). I don't care If I do: my nerves are a little deranged {Curtseys to Susie and Anna, and exit R. -with Mrs. Bangs). Susie {brightening up). O Anna! Anyia. {throiving her head back in chair and laughing). Oh, dear! Susie. It is too bad for me to tease papa so. He thinks I am really at death's door. Anna, {still laughing and holdiiig her sides). That comical Irishman is enough to break one's heart. Did he bring you a letter from Charlie! Susie, {holding up letter). The dear, good fellow didn't forget me. Let us run upstairs, quick, before the folks come in again. {Exeunt Susie and Anna eenter door). {Reenter Gorgibus L.^follotved by Jerry). Gorg. Twenty-five dollars a month, did you say? Jerry. Yes, sur, exactly, sur, — seein it's you sur. Gorg. Two visits a day ? Jerry. Yes, sur; two visits a day an' mind you, kill or cure or no pay, for twenty-five dollars a month. Gorg. I'll engage you for six months. Here is your first month's pay. {Gives money). Come again to-morrow. I must now look after my daughter. {Aside). This illness completely disarranges all my plans ( Exit center door). HO M CKO PA T H V. n yerry. {looking of ter Gorgibtis). I wonder how that ugly ould sinner iver came to have such a party daughter! But faith this Ameriky is a dale of a country, an' no blarney. (Crosses sfage and is about to exit R. as Anna enters from same side. Jerry sees her and appears confused. He hurriedly recrosses stage and stands L.) Jerry, (aside). I almost run over her. Anjia. (aside)- Here's that Irishman again, Jerry, (aside). What'll I say to her? Anna, (aside). Now for some fun. I'll captivate him, see if I don't" Jerry. The top o' the morning to you, my jewel. I'm the doctor an' must give you some medicine. Anna. Medicine.'' Fie! I am as well as you are. Jerry. So much the worse : this excess of health is apt to be very dangerous. I think there wouldn't be no harm in givin' you a little medicine. (Approaches her). Anna. Do you really think so.? (Smiles coqnettishly). Jerry, (bowing profusely). That's my humble opinion, (aside). I wonder if she is expectin' me to kiss her.? I'll thry it on anyhow, (aloud) My darlin' — Anna. Your darlin'.? well, I never — Jerry, (moving toward her). My jewel — Anna, (stepping back). Your jewel too.? (aside) I'm getting along splendidly so far, Jerry. Flower of my heart! (tries to p ut his artn around her. Site eludes him.^ and crosses to L. of stage. Jerry folloivs). Beautiful witch o' the mountain ! Sweet Jersey Lily ! Anna, (a little alarmed). Now don't be foolish, sir. Jerry. Niver a bit of it. I see you've got a fever ; an' I want to take your hand to ascertain the state of your pulse, that's all. Anna. Oh! that's all, is it.? well, there's my hand, (holds out her hand to him). But mind you, no more sweet words — I don't like taffy. Jerry. Oh! niver you fear, (kisses her suddenly) How is that jewel .? (she jlushes with anger; and retorts by giving Jerry a vigorous slap on tho. mo)ith -which Jars of his hat). Anna. You villain! (smiles in spite of herself). Aha! doctor, that kiss was a homoeopathic dose, was it ! well, I returned you good for b.id. (aside\. I got more this time than I bargained for. (Exit R. quickly). Jerry, (dusting his hat). What a quare girl ! Kitty niver acted that way. This Ameriky is a dale of a country, and no blarney. (Hears noise off R^ Hark! somebody's comin'. I'll he after makin' myself scarce. (Ezit hastily through open window L,. C. Scene closes). Scene III. — (A Street^ Jerry heard singing off L. Air — "TV/e Limerick Glove:') "When you go courtin' a neat or dainty lass Don't be a sig^hin', or ready to faint; alas ! Little she'd i are for such pluckless philandering-. And to ould Nick would send you a wandering-. But you thief, you rogue, you lyin' cur, Have at her like an Irishman, sir." (Enter Jerry L., singing). "Tip her the wink, take hold of the fist of her, Kiss her before she'd have time to sav Christ();)hor. J 2 HOMOEOPATHY. She may cry out you're an impudent fellow, sir, But her eyes will unsay what her tongue it may tell you sir. Oh! you thief, you rogue, you lyin' cur. You're a divil of a chap, you Irishman, sir." Give her another, or rather a score of 'em. Still you will find her ready for more of ''em. Press her, caress her, my dear, like a stylish man; For that is the way to court like an Irishman. (speaks). Och ! sure, I'll niver forgit oulcl Oireland, an' the happy days whin I used to thrash the boys an' kiss the girls — what a divil of a fel- low I was fur the girls anyhow — I can't help but think of it. But faith, it's all over wid now, an' I'm a homoeopath-etic doctor with twenty dol- lars a month from my master, an' twenty-five dollars from the gjirl's father. If my darlin' Kitty was only here now, my happiness would be complate. Bedad! I'll buy her a transportation ticket across the say whin my master pays me for doctorin' his sweetheart. That's what I'll do. {stving-s hat). Hurrah for St. Patrick! Down wid John Bull! E pluribus unvim! Ould Oireland foriver! whoo! Adol. {calling outside). Doctor ! doctor ! Jerry. Hark! somebody is callin'. Adol. {still outside). Conglomerate my cerebellum ! Jerry. Go along wid your Sarah Bellum ! {Enter Adolphus^ R.). Adol. Are you the doctor ? Jerry. Yis sur; — exactly, sur — that's my name, sur Adol. My wife is at death's door. Jerry. I'm very glad to hear it, sur. Adol. I want you to come and give her some medicine. Oh, my dear Sarah Jane ! - Jerry. What's ailin' her.? Adol. Oh! she is very ill; I fear she is dying. Jerry. Hovvly saints, man, hasten back as fasht as your legs can carry you, an' tell her not to die till she has a prescription from the doctor — and I'll be around next week sometoime. Adol. I'll do it; thank you, doctor. Good morning, sir. {goes). Oh, my dear Sarah Jane ! conglomerate my ecstatic cerebellum ! {exit R.) Jerry. Ha! ha! ha! if that fellow's Sarah Bellum dies, it will all be owin' to this humbug of a doctor. {Enter Charles^ L.). Chas. Well Jerry, you seem to be in good humor. Jerry. Wid lots o' money in my pocket, an' all the doctorin' I can do, how can I be otherwise.-* Chas. Ha! ha! But never mind that now; I've another job on hand for you. Jerry. Faith, I'm the one for you, just tell me what you want an' I'll do it, or blow up the whole town. Chas. It will not require such extreme measures, I think. But listen to me. In the first place, you know Miss Gorgibus is very pretty — Jerry. Aint she a darlin', though I HOMOEOPATH V 13 Chas. And in the second place Jerry. You are head over heels in love wid her. Chas. Yes. Jerry. An' in the third place, you want to marry her. Chas. Exactly ; but you see that so long as her father keeps her penned up, and won't allow her to get out of his sight, I can't do so. Now, Jerry, if you could manage to get Susie out of the house Jerry., {hesitating). That's a dilicate job. Chas. But I could make it worth your trouble. Jerry. I hate dreadfully to be elopin' wid young girls. You see, Kitty moight find it out an' thin there'd be the divil to pay. But I'll tell you what I will do. I'll git the ould man out of the house, an' thin you can come after the girl j^ourself. Chas. That will do splendidly. Now you manage to get old Gorgi- bus out of the way for half an hour, and 1 will give you fifty dollars. Jerry. Fifty dollars, did you say ! I'll do it, sur. Come along wid me, an' I'll make you the happiest man in town. Bedad ! I'll send the ould fellow on a wild goose chase while you bolt the moon wid his daughter. Ha! ha! ha! This Ameriky is a dale of a country and no blarney. {Exeunt both ^R.). Scene IV same as Scene II. Discovered Jerry looking ont of Tuindow L. C. Jerry. Ha! ha! ha! That beats ould Oireland all to blazes. Ha! ha ! ha ! How beautifully I fooled the ould fellow ! Tould him that the town hall was afire. Ha! ha! ha! And said he had better hasten to the spot at once if he wanted the pleasure of seein' it burn down. Ha! ha! ha! Didn't he skedaddle though! Ha! ha! ha! Picked up a bucket of water, an' away he went loike a steam whistle. Ha! ha! ha! This Ameriky is a dale of a country an' no blarney. Ha! ha! ha! I'll go out- side an' watch the fun. Won't there be a beautiful shindy whin ould Gorgibus gits back ! Ha! ha! hal (exit I^.). {Enter Sicsie, R.) Susie. What is all this excitement about, I wonder.? There is the old Deacon {looking out of ivindovS) running down the road as fast as he can, and papa following him with a bucket of water — I do hope nothing aerious has happened. ' {E7itcr Charles^ L.). Susie. Oh, Charles ! {claps her hands^ and runs to hitn). Chas. My dear Susie ! {kisses her). Susie. How did you get into the house.'' Chas. By sending your father on a "Fool's Errand." Come, let us be off and be married : I have everything arranged. Susie. Oh, Charles ! Chas. Quick, Susie, we haven't a moment to lose. Susie. All right; I'll go. But I must get ready first. Chas. Oh! don't bother; you're looking well enough as you are, Susie. Am I really,? honor bright.? Chas. And shining, of course you are, my dear little angel, {kisses 14 HOMCEOPATHY. Susie. Well, wait just a second ; I'll run and get my wraps. Chas. You won't need any wraps either; it's quite warm. Susie. And I haven't my boots on. Chas. Never mind ; slippers are good enough. Susie. But I must have my hat. Clias. Come, we will hunt your hat after we are married. Susie. I wonder where my gloves are? (jEnfer Anna /?., ivith ivrafs. She puts thetn on Susie). Anna. There. Now, you dear creatures, be off; you haven't a minute to lose. {Exeunt omnes^ L.). (^Enter Mrs. Bangs., /?,). Mrs. B. Why, I can't see anything of the fire — I do wish the gentle- men would return. This suspense is unendurable. Oh, what misery t why can't I faint! why can't I faint! {Enter Gor gibus /?., carrying a bucket., Jolloived by the Deacon ivho lias lost his hat). Gorg. Oh, the villain! Dea. Yes, the villain! Gorg. I'll have him hung. Dea. So will I. Mrs. B. My dear Mr. Gorgibus, y6u frighten me; what new dis* aster has befallen us, pray tell .? Gorg. Oh ! that abominable doctor ! he has played a trick on us. Dea. A most outrageous trick. Gorg. {calling). Susie! Susie! where is my daughter.? Fetch her here at once ; I have something of the greatest importance to communi- cate. Mrs. B. I will bring her to you at ouce. {exit Mrs. B.., B.). Gorg. Be seated, my dear Deacon, {they sit R. and L.). Let us ponder over our philosophical pursuits a few minutes, and try to forget the terrible outrage that has been committed on us. What is your opinion concerning the ''Sublime and Beautiful " ? Dea. {coug-Jis). The "Sublime and Beautiful" is — {coughs) that is, it is — and I am very positive about it — Gorg. Of course. Dea. And I speak without hesitation — Gorg. To be sure. Dea. And without fear of contradiction — Gorg. Certainly, certainly. Dea. That it is a very difficult subject to explain {Reenter Mrs. Bangs., B.) Mrs. B. Oh horrors! Gorg. Horrors, my dear.? Mrs. B. Oh ! yes, much worse than that Susie is not in her room and I can not find her anywhere in the house. Gorg. Not in her room.? Not in the house.? I declare I am sur- rounded with thieves and robbers. {Jerry aj>pears at nvindaw^ Gorgibus HOMCEOPATHY. ^5 sees him). You abominable doctor! You execrable heathen! You sacrilegious monster and destroyer of my happiness! what have you done with my daughter? yerry. {at -whidovj) Your daughter? Ha! ha! ha! why bless my stars! she has gone off wid misther Charles to be married. Gorg. To be married ! It's false, I say it's false ! Jerry. Bedad ! It's true enough for here they come. {Disappears from 7vt7idow). Gorg. I'll have them arrested — I'll call out the milita. Monstrous calamity! Dea. Monstrous calamity, indeed. {Reenter Charles and Susie Z,., followed by Anna and Jerry). Gorg. Daughter, what meaneth all this disturbance of the peace? Amta. {coming forward). Uncle, let me explain, A good old minis- ter across the way consented to say a few words for them, and now they are man and wife. Gorg. Is this true, my daughter? Susie. Yes, papa, it is true. I hope you will forgive me for being so wicked. Here is my husband; won't you congratulate us? {They come fortvard). Gorg. {aside) A remarkably fine looking couple it must be ad- mitted, {aloud). Since it can't be helped now, and seeing yon are all so well satisfied, I may as well rejoice and be happy too. Yes, my dear children, I congratulate you from my heart. Jerry. This Amerikv is a dale of a country and no blarney. Gorg. You abominable doctor! Jerry. Och! don't you worry about me; ju&t forgive me this time an* I'll niver do it again. Susie. Yes, papa, forgive him; I am sure he meant all for the best. Anna. And he is such a splendid doctor. Jerry, {oside) Ain't she a darlin though? Dea. I do not understand. Gorg. My dear Deacon, I would advise you to seek elsewhere for a wife. Anna. Yes, Mr. Silvergrab, and let me give you a little friendly advice, when next you make up your mind to embark in the matrimonial schooner, be sure your intended bride is something near your own age, and not young enough to be your grand daughter. If you follow this rule, you will find the course of love not half so thorny as you did in this case. Gorg. That's true philosophy. Dea. I understand. {Exit L.) Jerry. An' now my friends, since this doctorin' business has turned out so well, I have made up my mind to hang out my shingle as a doc- tor of physic; an' ladies an' gintlemen, hoping you have all been well satisfied wid my cures, I invite you to give me an early call. Remember I practice HOMoeoPATHY, the great family cure for all diseases of the brain, liver, stomach, and especially the heart disease. DISPOSITION OF CHARACTERS. L. C. R. Gorg, and Mrs, B. Jerry and Anna. Susie and Chas. NOTHING BETTER THAN THE sc:e2,-^e=-soo:s RECITATION SERIES. PRICE POST- PAID, PAPER, 25c. " The selections are fresh, pure, and eleva.ting.''''— Missouri Teacher. CONTENTS OF No. 2. Albert Drecker, Pathetic Thomas J. Hyatt g Better in the Morning, Pathetic Bev. Leander S. Coan « Blue Sky Somewhere Vera 8 Wounded, Battle Poem J. W. Watson 1? Papa's Letter, Pathetic 14 Grandfather's Reverie, Pathetic Theodore Parker 16 The Old Village Choir Beiij. F. Taylor 18 At the Party Elizabeth Stuart Phelps 19 Romance at Home, Humorous Fanny Fern 21 The Legend of the Organ Builder Harper's Magazine 23 I Vaeh So Glad I Vash Here, very Humorous 35 Her Dog und der Lobster, Humorous Saul Sertrew 26 What Was His Creed?... 28 Dedication of Gettysburg Cemetery Abraham Lincoln 29 Time Turns the Table, Excellent 30 The Man Who Hadn't Any Objection, Humorous 32 The Soldier's Mother, Sentimental 38 " De Pervisione, Josiar." Humorous 34 A Response to Beautiful Snow, Sentimental Sallie J. Hancock 85 The Defence of Lucknow, Heroic Tennyson 36 A Model Discourse, Humorous 41 My Darling's Shoes 48 The Volunteer Soldiers of the Union Robert O. Ingersoll 44 Life, Compilation Mrs. H. A. Darning 46 The Old-Fashioned Mother 47 De 'Sperience ob de Reb "rend Quacko Strong-, Humorous 48 A Heart to Let 5Q Jimmy Butler and the Owl, Humorous Anonymous 51 Presentiments, Pathetic T. S. Denison 54 Eloquence or Oratory 56 Raising the Flag at Sumter Henry Ward Beecher 57 Parrhasius and the Captive N. P. Willis 59 Portent Celia Thaxter 63 He Wasn't Ready, Humorous 63 The Old Clock in the Corner Eugene J. Hall 64 An Illustration, Fine Description Bev. Philip Krohn, D. D. 66 The Seven Stages Anonymous 68 The Bells of Shaudon Francis Mahony 69 Circumlocution on The House that Jack Built, Fine 71 The Brakeman goes to Church, Humorous Burdette 78 Address to Class of '77, Knox College President Bateman 76 Bay Billy, Battle Incident Frank H. Gassaway 7B The Flood and the Ark, Humorous Darkey Sermon 82 The Steamboat Race Mark Twain 85 Battle of Gettysburg Chas. F. Ward 99 A Connubial Eclogue, Humorous J. Q. Saxe 93 The Chambered Nautilus Oli'ver W. Holmes 95 Ascent of Fu-si-Yama Dora Scnoonmaker Soper 96 The Musician's Tale, Splendid Sea Tale Longfellow 98 Vera Victoria H. M. Soper 104 Ruining the Minister's PaiTot, very Fanny 106 'Wie Irish PMlosopher, Humorous , 10* THE ETHIOPIAN DRAMA. Price, ij cts. each, poil-paid. Thest plays are all short, and very funny. Nothing poor in the list. They Serve admirably to give variety to a prograinine. The female characters may be assumed by males in most cases. Where something thoroughly comical, but unobjectionable is wanted, they are just the thing. STAGE STRUCK DARKT. A very funny "take-off" on tragedy; 2 male, i female. Time 10 minutes. STOCKS UP— STOCKS DOWN. 2 males; a played-out author and his sympathizing friend; very funny and full of " business " and practical jokes. Time 10 minutes. DEAF— IN A HORN. 2 males; negro musician and a deaf pupil. A very interesting question sudden- ly enables the latter to hear. ?\ill of first-class *' business." Tiaie S minutes. HANDY ANDY. 3 males; master and servant. The old man is petulant and the servant makes all sorts of ludicrous mistakes and misunderstands every order. Very lively in action. Time 10 minutes. THE MISCHIEVOUS NIGGER. A farce; 4 males, 2 females. Characters: The mischievous nigger, old man, French barber, Irishman, widow, nurse. Time 20 minutes. THE SHAM DOCTOR. A negro farce; 4 males, 2 females. This is a tip-top farce. The "sham doctor" ran not fail to bringdown the house. Time 15 minutes. NO CURE, NO PAY. 3 males, i female. Doctor Ipecac has a theory that excessive terror will cure people who are deaf and dumb. His daughter's lover is mistaken for the patient to the terror of all. Only one darky. A capital little piece for schools or parlor. Time 10 minutes. TRICKS. 5 males, 2 females. (Only two darkys, i male, i female.) A designing old step-father wishes to marry his step-daughter for her money. She and her lover plan an elopement. The old man discovers it and has an ingenious counter-plot — which fails completely, to his discomfiture. Time 10 minutes. Suited to parlor performance. HAUNTED HOUSE. 2 males. A white- washer encounters "spirits" in a house he has agreed to white-wash. Plenty of business. Time 8 minutes. THE TWO POMPEYS. 4 males. A challenge to a duel is worked up in a very funny way. Time 8 minutes. AN UNHAPPY PAIR. ^ males, and males for a band. Two hungry niggers strike the musician^" for a square meal. Good for school or parlor, and very funny. Time 10 minutes. LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS Any Play on this List 15 Cts. Postpi Plays by T. S. DENISON. ODDS WITH THE ENEMY. A drama in five acts ; 7 innle and 4 fe- male characters. Time, 2 hours. SETH GREENBACK. A drama in four acts; 7 male and 3 fe- male. Time, I hour 15 m. INITIATING A GRANGER. A ludicrous farce ; S male. Time, 25 m. TWO GHOSTS IN WHITE. A humorous farce based on boarding- - school life ; 7 female characters. Tmie, ^^ " ' THE ASSESSOR. A humorous sketch; 3 male and 2 fe- male. Time, 15 m. BORROWING TROUBLE. A ludicrous farce; 3 male and 5 fe- male. Time, 30 m. COUNTRY JUSTICE. A very am.using- country law suit; S male characters. (May admit 14.) Time, THE PULL-BACK. A laug-hable farce; 6 female. Til HANS VON SMASH. A roaring- farce in a prolog-ue and one act; 4 male and 3 female. Time, 30 m. OUR COUNTRY. A patriotic drama in three parts. Re- quires 9 male, 3 female, (Admits 9 male It; female.) Four fine tableaux. Time, about I hour. THE SCHOOL MA'AM. A. briliant comedy in four acts; 6 male, S female. Time, i hour 45 u.in. THE IRISH LINEN PEDDLER. A lively farce; 3 male, 3 female. Time, 45 m- THE KANSAS IMMIGRANTS; Or, the Great Exodus. A roaring- farce; 5 male, i female. Time, 30 m. TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING, A splendid farce; 3 male, 6 female. Time, 45 m. IS THE EDITOR IN? A farce; 4 male and 2 female. AN ONLY DAUGHTER. A drama in three acts; 5 male and 2 female. Time, i hour 15 m. PETS OF SOCIETY. A farce in hig-h life; 7 females. Time, 30 m. 016 103 330 A very male, 2 fe LOUVA, THE PAUPER. A drama in five acts; 9 male and 4 fe- male characters. Time, i hour 45 m. UNDER THE LAURELS. A draiiia in five acts; a stirring- plaj-, fulJy equal to Louva the Pauper. Five male, 4 female. Time, i hour 45 m. THE SPARKLING CUP. A temperance drama in five acts; iz male and .| female. Plays by H. Ellio tt McBride. ON THE BRINK. A temperance drama in two acts; 12 male, 3 female. Time, 1 hour 45 in. A BAD JOB. A farce; 3 male, 2 female. Tune, 30 m. PLAYED AND LOST. A sketch; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 20 m. MY JEREMIAH. A farce; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 25 nr LUCY'S OLD MAN. A sketch; 2 male, 3 female. Time, 20 m. THE COW THAT KICKED CHICAGO. A farce; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 25 in. I'LL STAY AWHILE. A farce; 4 male. Time, 25 m. THE FRIDAY AFTERNSON DIALOGUES, Short and lively. For boys .and g-irls. —Price 25 cts. FRIDAY AFTERNOON SPEAKER' A choice collection. Three parts: for little folks, for older boys and girls, short pithy dialog-ues. — Price 26 cts. SCRAP BOOK READINGS, Latest and best pieces, — Price per No. {paper cover) 26 cts, WORK AND PLAY. BY MARY J. J ACCRUES. A gem for the little folks. This is a book of both instruction and amusement. Part I consists of a large variety of very easy progressive exercises in letters, numbers, objects, geography, language, animated nature, motion, songs, etc. Part II consists of dialogues, charades, pantomimes, etc. all original.— Price, in Manilla boards, post paid, 50 cts. T. S. DHNISON, Publisher, CHICAGO.