Turning the Trick 
 
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 1 BAKER, HamHton Place, 
 
 Boston, 
 
 
 FV^^W^A 
 
Turning the Trick 
 
 A Dramatic Comedy in Three Acts 
 
 By ^ 
 
 J. c. Mcmullen 
 
 Author of " When a Feller Needs a Friend,'* etc. 
 
 NOTE 
 
 The professional rights in this play are strictly reserved and 
 application for the right to produce it should be made to the 
 author in care of the publishers. Amateurs may produce it with- 
 out payment of royalty on condition that the name of the author 
 appears on all programmes and advertising issued in connection 
 with such performances. 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
 1920 
 
F5 25 ZS^ 
 
 Turning the Trick 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Patrick Casey, a retired contractor, 
 Mary Anne, his wife. 
 Michael, his son. 
 
 George Drake, a friend of the family . 
 
 Eileen, the maid. 
 
 " Humpy " Steele, the janitor. 
 
 Jim Dougherty, of the U. S. Treasury Department. 
 
 Madam Anna Bairski, a bolshevik. 
 
 Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier, a modiste. 
 
 Place.— New York City. 
 
 Scene. — Living-room of the Casey residence. 
 
 Time. — The present. 
 
 SYNOPSIS 
 
 Act I.— 3 : oo p. m., a Monday afternoon in June. 
 Act II.— 4 : oo p. m., Tuesday afternoon. 
 Act III.— Midnight, Tuesday. 
 
 Copyright, 1920, by J. C. McMullen 
 
 Free for amateur performance. 
 Professional and 7noving picture rights reserved, 
 
 ©GIO 55764 
 
 OCT 14 1920 
 
COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 
 
 Patrick. A fatherly, kindly man of fifty-five, inter- 
 ested in his home and family, with but a slight trace of 
 Irish brogue. Under no circumstances should this part 
 be played as the usual stage Irishman. Should wear dark 
 pants, fancy vest, stiff bosom shirt, narrow black tie and 
 smoking jacket, in first and second acts, trousers and 
 dressing gown in third act, as though hurriedly aroused 
 from bed. - 
 
 Mary Anne. About forty-five years of age. Should 
 be played in an affected manner until last part of third 
 act when she should become her natural self. First act, 
 street dress and hat, removing hat on entrance. Second 
 act, afternoon dress. Third act, negligee. 
 
 Michael. A young man of twenty-four or twenty- 
 five. Should be given careful rehearsing and played 
 rather emotionally, especially in third act. First act, first 
 appearance, business suit and hat, changing to tennis 
 costume. Second and third act, business suit. 
 
 Kathleen. Twenty-one or twenty-two years of age. 
 Affected, patterned after her mother. Acts I and II, 
 house dress. Act III, street dress with hat. 
 
 Maggie. Girl of nineteen. Acts I and II, plain house 
 dress. Act III, first appearance, house dress, as worn 
 in Act II. Second appearance, nightgown, hair down 
 back, etc. 
 
 Eileen. Girl of twenty-three or twenty-f our ; maid's 
 costume. 
 
 Drake. Young man of twenty-five. Business suit 
 first and second acts. Third act, dressing gown over 
 pajamas. Hair should be rumpled, etc., for this appear- 
 ance. 
 
 Humpy. Should be played in a rough, gruff manner, 
 excepting when speaking to Madam Bairski. Should 
 wear cap, down over eyes, have hump on back, keep him- 
 self in stooped position. Third act, entrance after pistol 
 shot, should throw off all disguise, standing erect and 
 
 3 
 
4 NOTE 
 
 Speaking in natural voice. Can be played at any age to 
 suit person playing role. 
 
 Madam Bairski. Woman of about thirty. First act, 
 Russian blouse, hair put up to give the appearance of be- 
 ing bobbed. Second act, plain afternoon dress. Third 
 act, street dress and hat. 
 
 Armand. Excitable Frenchman. Dressed in extreme 
 of fashion. Black hair, small black moustache. Last 
 appearance in last act, should have bedspread thrown 
 over shoulders, giving the appearance as though he had 
 nothing on but underwear and socks. 
 
 Jim. Business suit and hat. 
 
 NOTE 
 
 Stage plan is given on page 7. In first act place 
 should be provided under table down c. for placing the 
 diamonds. This place should be secure so they will not 
 be jolted out. It should be in such a location that audi- 
 ence can see the bag being handled back and forth, but 
 should not be in view of any one on the stage. 
 
 Sunlight can be shown through window for first and 
 second acts. 
 
 Third act can be made very effective by having dim 
 footlights, table lamp on center table, and moonlight 
 streaming through window. No other lighting should 
 be used. The moonlight should be directed to strike the 
 couch or divan, so that characters sitting on divan will 
 have moonlight on face. Michael's confession to his 
 father can be particularly effective by this method. 
 
 Thone can be used to best advantage if placed on 
 table, center. 
 
TAKE NOTICE 
 
 The professional acting rights of this play are owned and re- 
 served by the author. Performance is strictly forbidden unless 
 his consent, or that of his agent, has first been obtained, and 
 attention is called to the penalties provided by law for any in- 
 fringements of his rights, as follows : 
 
 Sec. 28. That any person who wilfully and for profit shall infringe any 
 Copyright secured by this Act, or who shall knowingly and wilfull> aid 
 or abet such infringement, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and 
 upon conviction thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for not ex- 
 ceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one hundred dollars, or both, 
 at the discretion of the court. 
 
 Shc, 29. That any person who, with fraudulent intent, shall insert or 
 impress any notice of Copyright required by this Act, or words of the 
 same Purport, m or upon any uncopyrighted article, or with fraudulent in- 
 tent shall remove or alter the copyright notice upon any article duly copy- 
 righted shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, punishable by a fine of not less 
 than one hundred dollars and not more than one thousand dollars 
 
Turning the Trick 
 
 ACT I 
 
 SCENE. — A living-room in Patrick Casey's house. 
 Entrance c. giving on hallway. Doors, upper r. to 
 music room; dozvn r. ; dozvn l. to hall. Window up l. 
 Chair r. of C. d. ; r. betzveen doors. Divan up l. 
 Small table l. between door and window. Large table 
 and two chairs down c. See following diagram. 
 
 
 lOCKo.r 
 
 
 o<rA*> 
 
 
 o\ 
 
 
 
 1 C^iran \ 
 
 Smell 
 T4,ble, 
 
 
 L 
 
 Tatle. 1 
 
 i 
 
 (At rise Michael appears in hallzvay. Pauses and 
 looks back. Is holding hand inside coat as though 
 hiding something. Stai^ts toward table as Eileen 
 appears in window with arnifid of flowers. As she 
 sees Michael she steps back. Michael goes to 
 table, c, removes small bag from under coat {bag 
 should contain a few pebbles) and puts it in place 
 that shoidd be provided for it in the framework on 
 underside of table. He then listens a moment, looks 
 around room, and hurriedly exits upstairs. Eileen 
 comes forward as Patrick enters r. zvith pair of red 
 flannel drawers in his hand. He is attempting to 
 sew button on the drazvers. Sits r. of table. Eileen 
 arranges flozvers in vase zvhich shoidd be on table.) 
 
 Patrick. And where'd your mistress be after bein', 
 Eileen ? 
 
8 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Eileen. She is attending the meeting of the Execu- 
 tive Board at the Home for Aged Poodle Dogs. 
 
 Patrick (as though not understanding) . What's that 
 you're sayin'? 
 
 Eileen. I said she was attending the meeting of the 
 Executive Board at the Home for Aged Poodle Dogs. 
 
 Patrick. Aged poodle dogs, is it ? Faith ! and if she'd 
 be after sewin' a few of the buttons on me underpants 
 I think she'd be a-spendin' of her time to better advan- 
 tage. Aged poodle dogs ! To think that anny one with 
 the name of Casey would be after gallivantin' after the 
 likes of that. {Pause while he attempts to thread needle.) 
 'Tis a great world, ain't it, Eileen ? 
 
 Eileen {smiling). Yes, indeed, Mr. Casey. 
 
 Patrick. And a great age we live in, Eileen. 
 
 Eileen. Indeed it is, Mr. Casey. 
 
 Patrick. Faith ! The men have to go out and make 
 the money and then stay at home and do the housework 
 while the women do be out a-spendin' of it. 
 
 Eileen. Hardly as bad as that, Mr. Casey. 
 
 Patrick. It is ! It is ! Times do be a-changin', 
 Eileen. {Bites end off thread.) Ye're a fine little girl, 
 Eileen, and the home's blessed that has ye in it. Let me 
 tell ye something, Eileen. Never be ashamed to stay at 
 home and do the work that the good God put ye in the 
 world to do. Now here I am, worth around a million, 
 and I have to sew the buttons on me own underpants 
 because me wife is after spendin' her time a-manicunn' 
 poodle dogs. I wish I was carryin' the hod again, that I 
 do. I seen Mary Anne once a day then, annyhow. 
 Yes I did. And we had fine things to eat then, Eileen. 
 Petaties and fried ham and corn beef and cabbage. Why, 
 Eileen ! I ain't had a plate of corn beef and cabbage for 
 tin years. Mary Anne won't have it. Says it's plebien, 
 she does* Ah, well, I suppose when ye're rich ye must 
 stand up under what it brings ye. Now take Mike. As 
 fine a lad as there ever was. (Eileen looks tozvard 
 stairs zvhere Michael made exit.) But what's he doin'? 
 Nothing, absolutely nothing, but dilly-dallying around 
 from one pink tea to another. But I guess I'm an old 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 9 
 
 fool to be talkin' to ye like this, Eileen. Faith and I 
 suppose it's little ye care about me and me troubles. 
 
 Eileen. You are mistaken, Mr. Casey. I am inter- 
 ested in your affairs, as you know, and if it makes you 
 any happier to talk to me, I am sure I will be glad to 
 listen to you. 
 
 Patrick. Would ye listen to that now? Kathleen 
 never says anything half so pretty to me. But as I was 
 a-sayin' about Mike: He's worried over something and 
 what it is I don't know and he won't tell me. Wanted 
 me to increase his allowance about a month ago. Said it 
 wasn't enough for him to live on decently. And just 
 think of it, Eileen, I give him three hundred dollars a 
 month to spend as he pleases. I wonder if he does need 
 money. 
 
 (Mary Anne enters halhvay; stands in doorway.) 
 
 Eileen. I think it is something else, Mr. Casey. I 
 have noticed Michael, and he has something on his mind, 
 something entirely different from what you think. 
 
 Mary A. Eileen, you may leave the room ! 
 
 Eileen. Yes, Madam. [Exits r. 
 
 Mary A. I do wish, Patrick, you wouldn't discuss 
 family affairs with the servants. 
 
 Patrick. And for why? Nobody else around the 
 house takes the time to talk to me. 
 
 Mary A. Will you never learn to uphold your posi- 
 tion ? You are a millionaire. She is a common working 
 girl. What can people of her class have in common 
 with us? 
 
 Patrick. She may be a workin' girl but she's a fine 
 little lady, Mary Anne. 
 
 Mary A. Don't call me Mary Anne ! I have told you 
 about that a dozen and one times. 
 
 {Sits L. of table and picks up hook.) 
 
 Patrick. And I suppose ye want me to be after 
 callin' ye by yer new name, Marie Annette. Marie 
 Annette Casey ! A fine combination. It's like a piece of 
 French pastry floating around on a dish of Irish stew. 
 
 Mary A. Patrick! Don't be so vulgar. Irish stew! 
 
10 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Patrick. Content yourself. I never ask you to ate 
 any of it. I'm not like you are with me corn beef and 
 cabbage. Why, I ain't had a dish of corn beef and 
 cabbage for But what's the use? Where's Kath- 
 leen ? 
 
 Mary A. Getting ready for her dancing lesson, I pre- 
 sume. 
 
 Patrick. Dancin' lesson? Dancin' is it ye call it? 
 Ye mean learnin' how to do flip-flops with as few clothes 
 on as she can get away with. 
 
 Mary A. Patrick ! You are 
 
 Patrick. I know what I'm talkin' about. They don't 
 dance a dacent dance anny more. Ye must aither have 
 these new fashioned things, that ain't dances at all, at all, 
 or be after goin' in for these no-clothes affairs 
 
 Mary A. No-clothes affairs? What are you talking 
 about ? 
 
 Patrick. The kind that Kathleen's learnin'. Ye have 
 nothing on from here up (measures waist) and less on 
 from there down. 
 
 Mary A. Patrick! I 
 
 Patrick. Wait a minute, now, wait a minute. I 
 just got in the talkin' humor this afternoon. Me daughter 
 being up there with that dago dancin' master 
 
 Mary A. Italian, Patrick, not dago. 
 
 Patrick. Dago I said and dago I mean. Didn't I 
 carry the hod with them for years ? Don't I know a dago 
 whether he do be a hod-carrier or a hi-falutin' dancin' 
 master? Answer me that now? 
 
 Mary A. Signor Romagnola is one of the greatest 
 men in his profession. 
 
 Patrick. Profession? Profession do ye be after 
 callin' it? Do you call it a profession for a he-man to 
 be up-stairs prancin' around like a dog with a tin can 
 tied to his tail, when he could be doin' some good in the 
 world by diggin' ditches or shovelin' coal? Profession 
 me eye ! 
 
 Mary A. There are any number of men who have 
 been dancers who have held a high place in the world's 
 esteem. 
 
TURNING THE TRICK II 
 
 Patrick. Did ye ever hear of an Irishman doin' it? 
 
 Mary A. No, I never did. 
 
 Patrick {triumphantly). There ye are. 'Tis noth- 
 ing for a dacent man to be into then. 
 
 Mary A. Oh, that's all you think about. Ireland and 
 the Irish. You should be an American by this time. 
 You are a naturalized citizen and have been in this coun- 
 try long enough, 
 
 Patrick. I am an American and a good one and I'm 
 all the better one for rememberin' where I came from. 
 Because a man gets married is no reason for forgettin' 
 his mother, is it? Where's Mike? 
 
 JMary a. Michael is playing tennis, I presume. 
 
 Patrick. Playin* tennis, is it? Ye mane bouncin' a 
 baby ball around with a fly swatter. Does it be decorated 
 with baby blue ribbons for the little darlint ? 
 
 Mary A. I won't stand for this. All you have done 
 since I came in here is decry your children. First it was 
 darling Kathleen and now it's Michael. 
 
 Patrick. Mike ! 
 
 Mary A. Michael ! 
 
 Patrick {louder). Mike! 
 
 Mary A. Michael ! 
 
 Patrick {rising and hammering table). Mike! 
 {Runs needle in hand.) Ouch! Mother of Moses! 
 Now look what ye're the cause of me doin'. If ye'd staid 
 at home and put the buttons on me underpants instead 
 of gallivantin' off to play nurse girl to a bunch of poodle 
 dogs that ought to be shot, ye'd be better off and so 
 would I. 
 
 Mary A. {crying). Oh, Patrick! Such language. 
 Will you never learn to be anything but a plain hod- 
 carrier? {Walks toward window.) 
 
 Patrick. No, thank God! I won't. {Follows her.) 
 I am 2i hod-carrier and I'm proud of it. I'm contented 
 to stay at home and enjoy what little the good God gave 
 me instead of tryin' all the new-fangled, fool fads people 
 with ten times the money I have bring up. I don't be- 
 lieve in me daughter dancin' half naked with a dago 
 dancin' master. I don't believe in me son, a fine built 
 
12 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 strappin' lad, playin' tennis and fooling his time away 
 with such lady-l'ike accomplishments when he could be 
 after makin' a little money and a name for himself as a 
 contractor, like his old dad. He and Kathleen can run 
 to all the Jazz dances that's goin' on night after night, 
 but do ye ever hear them comin' in and tellin' their old 
 father and mother they stopped in to church and spent 
 a few minutes with their Maker? They do not. It ain't 
 the fashion nowadays to even admit ye're a Christian. 
 They can attend seven or eight theatres a week with a 
 lot of indacent picture shows thrown in between times, 
 but they ain't got time to get down on their two knees 
 two or three minutes a day and thank the good Lord that 
 made them that He gave them a good father and mother. 
 
 Mary A. They appreciate us, I am sure. 
 
 Patrick. Maybe they do you. They never acquaint 
 me of the fact. 
 
 Mary A. How absurd. 
 
 Patrick. I've been wantin' Mike to take up con- 
 tractin' and settle down, but will he do it? Not so you 
 could notice it, as Maggie says. There's the girl for me. 
 She has some sense, she has. 
 
 Mary A. Humph ! {Sits l.) 
 
 Patrick. Humph yourself ! . I say she has. She 
 knows how to cook and to bake and to scrub and make 
 her own clothes and be dacent to her old father, and 
 that's a lot more than yer precious Kathie does. 
 
 Mary A. Kathleen's your child as well as mine. 
 
 Patrick. Ye mean she used to be; not anny more. 
 And Mike. Does he ever give me a pleasant word? 
 From the way he speaks to me ye'd think I was the 
 butler or the butcher boy. Now, Mary Anne, why don't 
 he settle down, pick out a good girl for himself and get 
 married. There's me friend O'Malley's daughter. 
 O'Malley's pretty well to do and would give her a nice 
 little pile to help Mike along in business. Six months or 
 so ago I wrote to O'Malley and he was tickled to death 
 about it. 
 
 Mary A. (jumping up and shaking finger at Pat- 
 rick). You did! Let me inform you that Michael is 
 
TURNING THE TRICK I3 
 
 not going to marry your friend O'Malley's daughter. 
 What do you know about her? They have Hved in Cali- 
 fornia ever since she was born. You don't know her, I 
 don't know her and I'm very sure Michael don't want to 
 know her. (Sitting.) Besides, Patrick dear, I shall 
 never urge my children to marry. I have become a 
 convert to the Gospel of Freedom. 
 
 Patrick. What the devil are ye talkin' about now? 
 
 Mary A. I believe that we are free to live our life as 
 we choose, unshackled by the conventions of society. 
 Why should we be tied down all our life? The birds of 
 the air are not. The beasts of the field are not, and we 
 all belong to the one great order of love. 
 
 Patrick (disgusted). Bunk! Fiddlesticks! Bosh! 
 
 (Sits table.) 
 
 Mary A. (resignedly). Oh, I knew you wouldn't 
 understand. You never do. You know I have been 
 thinking lately of divorcing you, Patrick, and choosing 
 an affinity that would be more of a soul mate, one that 
 really understands me. (Sits l.) 
 
 Patrick (aghast). What! Divorcing me? Why 
 
 Mary A. (paying no attention to him). But to return 
 to Michael. If he ever does marry he will select some- 
 one a little more in his own class than your friend 
 O'Malley's daughter. 
 
 Patrick. His own class, is it ? Mike's a hod-carrier's 
 son. You was ticklin' the suds in yer mother's wash-tub 
 when I married ye, and O'Malley was section boss on the 
 railroad before he got to be superintendent or gineral 
 manager or whatever the divil he is. His own class ! I 
 think he would be gettin' right into it. 
 
 Mary A. Patrick! Don't bring up such disgusting 
 details of our early life. We are trying hard to outlive 
 those things. 
 
 Patrick. I suppose it's trying to outlive those things 
 that causes Mike and Kathleen to run around with the 
 divorcees and half-crooks and tango lizards and tearoom 
 bums and 
 
 Mary A. (angrily). You are positively disgusting, 
 
I^ TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 speaking in such a manner of your own children. They 
 must act as others in their set are doing. I can see 
 nothing wrong in what they are doing. 
 
 Patrick. Oh, I know ye foster them in it. I'm old 
 fashioned and I don't go in for takin' care of ancient 
 poodle dogs and doin' the latest dance steps, and I wear 
 red flannel underwear and I smoke a clay pipe and I go 
 to bed at nine o'clock, and I don't believe a man should 
 have three or four wives if he wants them. One's 
 enough for me. 
 
 Mary A. You are insulting ! 
 
 (Rushes from room, by stairs, passing Maggie who 
 is entering. Maggie looks after mother, then goes 
 to Patrick.) 
 
 Maggie. What on earth is the matter with Mumsy ? 
 
 Patrick {looking around). Whist! Don't be after 
 calling of yer mother Mumsy. It'll be offendin' of her 
 delicate ear. 
 
 Maggie. Daddy! You've been quarreling with 
 mother again. 
 
 Patrick. Quarreling is it ye call it ? Sure and I was 
 only givin' her a piece of me mind and a mightly little 
 piece at that. I have a whole lot stored tip here for the 
 next time I have a chance at her. 
 
 Maggie {standing hack of Patrick with arms about 
 his neck). What's come over mother lately. Daddy; 
 she don't seem a bit like herself. 
 
 Patrick. Faith and it's that bare-legged dancin' and 
 takin' care of poodle dogs and writin' papers for women's 
 clubs on things she knows nothin' about, and a half a 
 dozen other things she's taken up that's changed her. 
 She ain't herself at all, at all. She don't want to be 
 called Mary Anne anny more. It's Marie Annette, if you 
 please. And she puts the accent on the last syllable of 
 me name now. Did ye know that ? 
 
 Maggie. No ! 
 
 Patrick. It's a fact. I'm Patrick Cas^^ now. 'Tis 
 wonderful what devilment a woman do be gettin' into 
 when she has no washin' or ironin' to do. She do be 
 
TURNING THE TRICK I5 
 
 findin' out that the Caseys originally came from Italy. 
 That they was the Dukes of Bologni or Spaghetti or 
 some other Eyetalian place, and that they finally settled 
 in Ireland and their name was corrupted into plain old- 
 fashioned Casey. 
 
 Maggie. When was all this discovered? 
 
 (Sits table.) 
 
 Patrick. The Lord knows ! She was tellin' me of 
 it the other night. I suppose she'll be after calling me 
 Alfonso or Pietro or Guiseppi one of these days if she 
 thinks she can get away with it. 
 
 Maggie. Imagine you called Pietro Casei. 
 
 Patrick. Yes, and imagine me doin' one of them new- 
 fangled dances that Kathleen's so crazy about. (Rises 
 and attempts to kick over his head and falls to floor.) 
 Do you see? I'm an old fool, that's what I am. 
 
 Kathleen (entering hallway). Father! What are 
 you doing in that undignified position? 
 
 Patrick. Undignified is it? Faith and if I had half 
 me clothes off and was standing on one toe wigglin' an 
 old tin plate above me head it would be all right, wouldn't 
 it? But as I have all me clothes on and am only sittin* 
 on the floor it's all wrong, (Rises.) 
 
 Kathleen. We won't discuss that now. But I do 
 wish you wouldn't do such foolish things. Suppose 
 some of my friends had dropped in. 
 
 Patrick. Suppose and they had. All they would 
 have seen would have been an old Irish gentleman sittin' 
 on the floor a-talkin' to his daughter. Nothing very out 
 of the ordinary about that. (Goes to light pipe.) 
 
 Kathleen. Please don't smoke that horrid pipe in 
 here, father. 
 
 (Patrick looks at her and then puts pipe in pocket.) 
 
 Maggie (hastily). What's in the wind now, Kathie? 
 Kathleen. Could you help Eileen prepare a little 
 lunch for about four o'clock ? I have a friend coming in. 
 Maggie. Who's coming? 
 Kathleen. Anna Bairski. 
 
l6 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Patrick. Who's she? 
 
 Kathleen. A friend of mine, I told you. 
 
 Patrick. Where did you pick her up? 
 
 Kathleen. Mother and I have met her a number of 
 times at the women's club during the past couple of 
 weeks, if you must know. 
 
 Patrick. And what does she do for a livin' ? 
 
 Kathleen. She doesn't do anything. She's a bol- 
 shevik. 
 
 Patrick. Oh, I see. Does everybody. One of these 
 Russian fumadiddles we hear so much about lately. 
 What does she want you to do ? Burn the post-office or 
 just shoot the mayor? 
 
 Kathleen. Father! Don't be ridiculous. 
 
 Patrick. Is she married? 
 
 Kathleen. She doesn't believe in marriage. 
 
 Patrick (aghast). What! Doesn't believe in mar- 
 riage? What kind of a haythen is she? 
 
 Kathleen. Please, father ! Madam Bairski may be 
 with us for several weeks and while she is here I do 
 wish you wouldn't bring up subjects you don't under- 
 stand. (Takes book from table and sits l.) 
 
 Patrick (angrily). Don't understand? Don't under- 
 stand, is it? I understand I'd like to take you over me 
 two knees and spank you for talkin' such nonsense. 
 Don't understand ! You a little snip of twenty tell an 
 old man of fifty-five he don't understand when he says 
 a woman's a fool that don't believe in matrimony. I — I — 
 
 I Ah, but what's the use in talkin' ? Faith I don't 
 
 know what's got into you and your mother lately. I'll 
 take me pipe and go out in the back yard and have a little 
 smoke. It's the only place I can have any peace lately. 
 
 [Exits zvindow. 
 
 Kathleen. Poor father ! He's so hopelessly old- 
 fashioned. Not a bit like mother. 
 
 Maggie. No, thank God! He isn't. I can't under- 
 stand what's gotten into you and mother lately. Daddy 
 hasn't the satisfaction of even doing as he pleases in his 
 own home. It's a pretty pass when he has to go into the 
 back yard to smoke. 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 1 7 
 
 Michael {enters right). Where's the mater? 
 
 Maggie. Mumsy is up in her room mirsing a grouch 
 if I am any judge of matters. She flounced out of the 
 room just as I came in and from what I could gather 
 she and father had been having a little tiff. 
 
 Michael. That's about all they get done lately. Why 
 can't they live in peace ? It's so hopelessly old-fashioned 
 to be always scrapping. 
 
 {Throws hwiself comfortably on couch as Maggie 
 goes toward him.) 
 
 Maggie. I'll tell you why they can't live in peace. 
 It's because mother and Kathleen, yes, and you too, Mike, 
 are trying to run the Casey ship on the rocks. 
 
 Michael. Oh, come now, I say. Just because we 
 go in for a little pleasure in life don't give you license 
 to say we're trying to shipwreck the old boat. 
 
 Maggie. What else do you call it? Father made the 
 money that keeps us going and all you three do is spend 
 it and in ways too that you know father don't like. 
 
 {Goes hack to table.) 
 
 Michael. Precious little he gives me to spend. I 
 asked him for a little more last month and you would 
 have thought he was broke from the howl he put up. 
 
 Maggie. All you think about is to run to him for 
 money or when you need something. 
 
 Kathleen. Don't mind her, Michael. She and father 
 make a good pair. They would be contented to be in 
 Shantytown yet if we hadn't had a little ambition and 
 made father build this place. 
 
 Maggie. Yes, and what pleasure does he get out of 
 it? You object to any of his friends coming here. What 
 good does this place do him? 
 
 Kathleen. But, Maggie, his friends are such im- 
 possible creatures. Just think of that old Brannigan, 
 here. 
 
 Maggie. And what of it? What's the matter with 
 old Mr. Brannigan? 
 
 Kathleen. Maggie, you can be funny when you 
 
l8 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 want to. What's the matter with old Mr. Brannigan? 
 Run along now and attend to the lunch, won't you? 
 That's a dear. 
 
 (Goes to Maggie; puts arm around her shoulders.) 
 
 Maggie. Yes, I'll attend to your lunch for you, Kath- 
 leen, because it's the kind of work I enjoy, but one of 
 these days the three of you will be sorry for heckling 
 and bickering with a poor old man like Daddy who de- 
 serves all your kindness and care now that he is growing 
 old. [Exits R. 
 
 Kathleen. Maggie's just like father. No ambition 
 whatever. She is perfectly contented to sit down and 
 enjoy what she has. Imagine her asking what's the mat- 
 ter with that old fool of a Brannigan. The last time he 
 was here I gave him plainly to understand he could stay 
 in Shantytown. I didn't want him telling my friends 
 about the time he and father were carrying the hod to- 
 gether. 
 
 Michael. Who's coming this afternoon? 
 
 Kathleen. A perfect duck of a girl that mother and 
 I met at the Women's Club a couple of weeks ago. She's 
 a Russian and her name's Anna Bairski and would you 
 believe it, Michael, she's a bolshevik. 
 
 {Sits on couch beside Michael.) 
 
 Michael. Dirty and smelly, I suppose. 
 
 Kathleen. No, she isn't ! She's wonderful and has 
 some of the most advanced views, Michael. Mother and 
 I are going to cultivate her because I know she can help 
 us in our campaign to get into society. Why, Michael, 
 she doesn't believe in marriage at all. Says we are all as 
 free as the birds and that the mere mumbling of a few 
 words over us by a minister has nothing whatever to do 
 with our lives. Oh, I'm crazy about her. 
 
 Michael. I should say she has advanced views. 
 I'm with you in all your schemes to really get somewhere 
 but I still have enough religion and common sense left 
 not to believe in such junk as that. 
 
 Kathleen. I don't want a sermon from you. I just 
 
TURNING THE TRICK I9 
 
 had one from father. (Goes back to table. Better 
 Eileen with card.) Send her right up. (Eileen exits.) 
 She's come, Michael! (Goes to him.) They were all 
 after her at the club and we got her. I know she'll be 
 just wonderful. I want you to have tea with us. But 
 what will we do if father should come in? He would be 
 sure to do something he shouldn't. (Anna enters c. d.) 
 Good-afternoon, Madam Bairski. (Goes toward Anna.) 
 
 Anna. Comrade Anna, if you please. We are all 
 equal, you understand. 
 
 Kathleen. Oh, yes, yes, of course. I'm so glad you 
 came. My brother, Mr. Casey. 
 
 (Michael bows; Anna nodding.) 
 
 Anna (looking around). You are of the capitalistic 
 class, I see? 
 
 Michael. Er, what ? 
 
 (Michael, r., Kathleen, c, Anna, l.) 
 
 Anna. You are of the rich, the cursed rich, that's 
 what I mean. The rich that oppresses the poor, grinds 
 them down, tears their very hearts from them and feeds 
 it to the dogs. 
 
 Michael. Er, yes. (To Kathleen.) A little oif 
 here, eh? (Taps head.) 
 
 Kathleen. Hush ! She'll hear you. You see, 
 Madam Bairski 
 
 Anna. Comrade, Comrade Anna. We only use our 
 surnames for legal purposes. What good are they other- 
 wise? 
 
 Michael. That's true. I could very easily get along 
 without Casey. 
 
 Anna. Are there any converts to the wonderful 
 cause, the glorious cause in this house ? 
 
 Kathleen. I can hardly say, as yet. You see it's so 
 new and 
 
 Anna. New! It's as old as the ages. The Brother- 
 hood of Man ! Ah, that I could see it spread all over 
 the world and the accursed rich wiped out like the carrion 
 
20 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 they are. (Michael is getting fidgety and starts stealth- 
 ily toward R.) They have oppressed the poor and the 
 aged. (Notices Michael.) Sit down! (Michael 
 flops on chair suddenly. ) They have oppressed the poor 
 and the aged, the children and the sick, until the World's 
 very heart calls out for help and succor. (Stops and 
 studies a moment.) The World's very heart. That's a 
 good phrase. I'll use that in my next lecture. Where 
 v^as I? Oh, yes, the World's very heart, the World's 
 
 very heart, the What was I saying? 
 
 Michael. Search me. 
 
 (Patrick enters window and knocks pipe against 
 frame to knock out the ashes.) 
 
 Kathleen. Father! Don't do that! {To Anna.) 
 Comrade Anna, allow me to introduce you to my father. 
 
 Anna (shaking hands with Patrick). I am very glad 
 to meet you, Comrade Patrick. 
 
 Patrick. Eh, what? Patrick? I garry, why don't 
 you be sociable and call me Paddy. I haven't heard it 
 since we got our first hired girl and Mary Anne got on 
 her dignity and tacked Patrick on to me. 
 
 Anna. You are of the idle rich, I presume? 
 
 Patrick. No, not at all. Ye have me mixed up with 
 me son over there. (Points to Michael.) 
 
 Michael. Oh, I say, father, quit your spoofing. 
 
 Patrick (drawing arm as though fo strike him). Aw, 
 shut up. Answer me like a man or keep your mouth shut. 
 
 (Eileen enters and stands halhvay.) 
 
 Kathleen. If you will excuse us, father, we will take 
 Comrade Anna to the music room where we can have our 
 talk undisturbed. (To Eileen.) Has Mons. De Lovier 
 arrived? 
 
 Eileen. Not yet. Miss Casey. 
 
 [Kathleen, Anna and Michael ^jtr^V music room. 
 
 Patrick. And who's Moonsier De Lovier, Eileen? 
 
 Eileen. He is Miss Casey's modiste. 
 
 Patrick. Her what ? 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 21 
 
 Eileen. Her costumer. Her dressmaker. 
 
 Patrick. And do they be after havin' men dress- 
 makers now? 
 
 Eileen. Oh, yes; the real high priced ones are all 
 men. 
 
 Patrick. Glory be to God! We'll be havin' men 
 nurse girls next. At that I do be thinkin' it would be a 
 good job for Mike. And what would ye be after tellin' 
 me, Eileen? 
 
 Eileen. Mr. Drake has called. 
 
 Patrick. Send him right up. He's a fine lad, Eileen. 
 (Eileen exits.) I wish me own boy was like him. 
 
 George (enters hallway and shakes hands with Pat- 
 rick). Hello, Mr. Casey. 
 
 Patrick. Hello yourself. 'Tis glad I am to see you. 
 Sit down. (They sit couch.) I was askin' Kathleen the 
 other day where ye do be keepin' yourself and she said 
 she didn't know. 
 
 George. To tell the truth, Mr. Casey, it was about 
 Kathleen I came to see you to-day. You know we have 
 been friends for a long time and I always thought that, 
 well, that she and I 
 
 Patrick. Ye always thought ye would like to marry 
 her until she begun making such a damn fool of herself 
 as she has lately. 
 
 George (eagerly). Yes, that's it. (Catches himself.) 
 Oh, no, no, that isn't what I mean. 
 
 Patrick (laying hand on George's shoulder). Yes it 
 is, I know. I've known ye for a long time, George, me 
 boy, and if I didn't know ye had more sense than to 
 stand for her monkey doodle business and her interpre- 
 tative dances and her bolsheviki and her free love and her 
 puttin' on airs generally, I wouldn't want ye for a son- 
 in-law. 
 
 George. Well, you have it about right, Mr. Casey. I 
 can't stand for such nonsense. While we have never said 
 much about it, even between ourselves, we have been 
 practically engaged for the past year, yet the other day 
 when I asked her about our engagement and setting the 
 date for the wedding, she said she didn't believe in mar- 
 
22 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 riage, at least not as it was practised in America. That 
 we were all as free as the air, married and unmarried 
 alike. It rather staggered me, I'll confess. 
 
 Patrick. Staggered ye, did it ? Faith and it walloped 
 me on the jaw when I heard it until me head's dizzy with 
 tryin' to comprehend her and her mother's shennanigans. 
 Would ye believe it, me name's changed ? 
 
 George. What ! 
 
 Patrick. It's a fact. Me name's no longer Casey. 
 It's Casei. 
 
 George. What are you talking about ? 
 
 Patrick. 'Tis a fact, I tell you. Mary Anne changed 
 me from an honest-to-God Irishman into a dago, just 
 like that. {Snaps fingers.) 
 
 George. Such rot ! 
 
 Patrick. Rot's right. Tryin' to make an Eyetalian 
 out of an Irishman. Can you imagine me ever givin' up 
 me corn beef and cabbage for spaghetti? Although there 
 ain't much chance of me givin' it up, for Mary Anne 
 won't let me ate it at all anny more. 
 
 George. Is there nothing that can be done to bring 
 them to their senses ? 
 
 Patrick. If there is I wish somebody would tell me 
 about it. 
 
 Humpy (enters hallway). Is this a union house? 
 
 (George and Patrick both turn to him.) 
 
 Patrick. A what ? 
 
 Humpy. A union house, a union house. That's what 
 I said. 
 
 Patrick (to George). I suppose that's one of Kath- 
 leen's bolsheviks or walkin' delegates or something like 
 that. 
 
 George. Who are you and what do you want? 
 
 Humpy. ^ I'm the new janitor, see, and I wants to 
 know If this is a union house. If you pays your help 
 union wages? Do you get me? 
 
 (Should be looking around the room continually as 
 though searching for something.) 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 23 
 
 Eileen (at c. d.). There is no work to be done in this 
 room, Mr. Steele. 
 
 Humpy. I knows it. I just came in to see the head 
 of the house to see if he pays his help union wages. 
 
 Patrick (to George). The head of the house. Do 
 ye hear what he called me? (To Humpy.) Don't you 
 ever let Mary Anne hear you callin' me that. 
 
 George. Eileen, he wants to know if you belong to 
 the housemaid's union. (To Humpy.) Is that it? 
 
 Eileen. This is the new janitor, just hired this morn- 
 ing. I sent him to the cellar and I am sure I gave him the 
 proper directions. 
 
 Humpy. Huh ! I suppose I ain't good enough for 
 the drawin' room. ( Walks c. ) Just because I works for 
 me livin' I ain't 
 
 Patrick (ffoing to Humpy and laying hand on his 
 shoulder). Ye got the wrong idea, me man. Ye're just 
 as good as I am and for all I know better, and if ye'U 
 trot along Eileen will show you the work ye were hired 
 to do. 
 
 Humpy. But I want to know what you pay here. 
 
 Patrick. Take him along, Eileen. He'll get all that's 
 comin' to him. (They start out c. D.) There's a bottle 
 of beer in the ice box that might taste good. See that 
 he gets it, Eileen. (They exit.) Faith and with their 
 unions and their bolsheviks and their jazz dances, the 
 world's gettin' into a great state, ain't it? 
 
 George (as though struck with an idea). Union! By 
 Jiminey ! I think there is the answer to your problem. 
 Union! Get together and teach them a lesson. Make 
 them sick of their new-fangled ideas. Make them glad 
 of the fact that their name is Casey. Make them 
 
 Patrick. Did ye ketch it from the janitor? What 
 on earth are ye talkin' about ? 
 
 George. Is there any place we can talk without being 
 overheard? I think I have a scheme that will settle the 
 whole thing and solve your troubles as well as my own. 
 
 Patrick (looking around). Whist, lad! I'll take ye 
 out behind the garage. There's a nice quiet spot there 
 between the ash barrel and the garbage can where no one 
 
24 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 ever goes. It's where I smoke me pipe when I don't 
 want Mary Anne, I mean Marie Annette, to smell it. 
 
 [They exit window. 
 
 (Arm AND enters hallway. Has two large dress boxes 
 which he places on floor just inside the door. Then 
 sits table r. Waits awhile, looking right and left. 
 Then taps fingers on table. Becomes very impa- 
 tient. Takes small mirror from pocket and arranges 
 his hair, moustache, etc. Finally gets up and looks 
 out c. D. Comes front and sits as Eileen enters r.) 
 
 Eileen. Miss Casey said to tell you she would be 
 here in a moment. 
 
 Armand. In a moment, ees eet? Zey kip me, ze great 
 Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier waiting, while 
 zey feex ze hair or powdair ze nose or paint ze cheek. 
 
 Eileen. I am sure Miss Casey will be very sorry. 
 
 Armand. And so she should. {Looks at watch.) 
 Ah, ha! I lose of ze minutes, four. And for why? Be- 
 cause she feex ze hair and powdair ze nose and paint 
 ze cheek. Bah ! 
 
 Eileen {smiling). I am quite sure she will not keep 
 you waiting much longer. {Picks up one of the boxes.) 
 
 Armand {rushing to her). No, no. Mademoiselle. Eet 
 is no work for ze ladee or for one so sharming or has so 
 much of — of — what you call heem? — Oh, yes, ze grace. 
 Pairmeet me. {Takes Box.) You are ze maid of 
 Madam? 
 
 Eileen. Yes, Monsieur. 
 
 (Kathleen and Anna enter r.) 
 
 Armand. Parlez vous Frangais ? 
 
 Eileen. No, not that kind. I'm of the Erin Go 
 Bragh variety. 
 
 Armand. Ah, Mademoiselle, I take you for ze French, 
 you look so chic, so 
 
 Kathleen. You may leave the room, Eileen. 
 (Eileen exits c. d.) Did you bring the dresses, Mon- 
 sieur? 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 2$ 
 
 Armand. Oui, oui, I have bringed them and oh, 
 Mademoiselle ! Zey are creations for — for, — what you 
 call heem? Oh, yes, ze fairee. Wait, I show. (Opens 
 box and takes out ball gown.) Ees eet not beautiful? 
 Ees it not ? No ? 
 
 Kathleen. Oh, it's wonderful. Isn't it, Madam 
 Bairski ? 
 
 Anna (looking at it very carelessly). Yes, it's pretty, 
 but the price of it would no doubt keep a poor family 
 for a month.. Buy shoes, bread 
 
 Armand. Bread ! Bread ! You mention ze bread in 
 ze same breath with my gown ? My wonderful creation ? 
 Ah, Mon Dieu, Mon Dieu! Eet ees sacralege. (Puts 
 dress in box. ) I shall not stay. You have my art insult. 
 I should have known bettair. When ze Mademoiselle 
 make me wait while she feex ze hair and powdair ze 
 nose and paint ze cheek, how can I expect she or her 
 friends will appreciate my beautiful gown. 
 
 Kathleen. Oh, come, Mons. De Lovier, we shall 
 hunt up mother and I will try the gown on. Oh, I know 
 I shall love it. I think it is wonderful. Are you coming. 
 Madam, I mean Comrade Anna. 
 
 Anna. No, thank you, I shall remain here. 
 
 (Sits L. until Kathleen and Armand leave, 
 makes a hurried search of the room, table, drawers, 
 etc. Hears Michael r. and hurriedly sits l. as he 
 enters.) 
 
 Michael (entering r.). Where's Kathleen? She 
 rushed off like a house afire. What's up ? 
 
 Anna. A new dress, I understand. She and the 
 modiste just went to search for your mother. And now, 
 Comrade Michael, we will finish our discussion. When 
 the capitalistic rich have gained the control of the essen- 
 tials of this world to the extent that they have, and are 
 eating the very heart from the great laboring class 
 
 Michael (who has been fidgeting trying to think of an 
 excuse to get away). If you will excuse me. Miss Bair- 
 ski, I mean Comrade Anna, you will greatly oblige me. 
 (Is backing toward window.) You see I just thought of 
 
26 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 something I must see my father about and — and — I know 
 you won't mind. _ ^ ^ [Exits window. 
 
 Anna (zuatches Michael exit, smiling, then goes to 
 'phone and calls). Van Courtland, 1617. {Looks 
 around room.) Frank? Anna. How about the — ah — 
 assistant. — Is here? How will I know him? Hump- 
 backed? — All right, but what was wrong with Jimmy 
 Smith or Young Wallace ? {Hvmvy enters c. t>.) I shall 
 do nothing of the sort. My soul, heart, time — every- 
 thing I have, is dedicated to the cause of the working- 
 man. Good-afternoon. {Hangs up receiver.) I am 
 Madam Bairski. You are 
 
 Humpy. Yes, I'm it. Some dump, ain't it? We 
 ought to make a good haul here. 
 
 Anna. Shut up! You fool! How did you get in 
 here? 
 
 Humpy. They was expectin' a new janitor and when 
 I came around they took me for it and here I am. 
 
 Anna. Janitor, eh? Well, act like one. Let me 
 do the talking. Did Frank tell you what I wanted? 
 
 Humpy. Only that I was to git five hundred plunks 
 for the job. What is it? Crackin' a safe? 
 
 Anna. It's a lot bigger than cracking a safe. There's 
 about thirty thousand dollars' worth of diamonds in this 
 house. I don't know just where, but they are here. So 
 keep your eyes open. We have to find them and move 
 quick, understand, quick. Make the rounds of the house 
 and keep your eye on everything. 
 
 Humpy. Yeh, I started to do that. Bumped into the 
 old guy in this room a little while ago and ' 
 
 Enter Maggie c. d. 
 
 Anna. I am sure, my good man, you are in the 
 wrong place. I think the furnace is usually kept in the 
 cellar, not in the living-room. 
 
 Humpy. Thanky, mam, but I thought as how there 
 might be some pipes In this room, maybe something to 
 the heatin' apparatus as needed attention. [Exits c. d. 
 
 Maggie. I am Kathleen's sister. I presume you are 
 Madam Bairski. 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 2/ 
 
 Anna. Comrade Anna, if you please. 
 
 Maggie. I don't understand you. 
 
 Anna. No? Well, the old order is passing. Mister, 
 Missus and Miss, like Your Highness, Your Lordship 
 and Your Majesty, are a little out of date in this age". 
 The era of good fellowship is here. I am as good as you. 
 You are as good as me. We are both as good as any one 
 else. The world will soon be run by the League of 
 Brotherly Love. I am your comrade. You are mine. 
 Why not address each other as such ? 
 
 Maggie. Oh, I see. 
 
 Anna. The day of the rich and the ruling class is 
 passing. Soon the workers will have their opportunity. 
 They will rule the world. They 
 
 Maggie. According to your ideas then, my father, 
 simply because he is rich, will be thrown in the discard 
 when this era of good fellowship arrives. 
 
 Anna. The w^orld has no use for the rich. 
 
 Maggie. Why then are you, the exponent of this 
 wonderful doctrine that is to revolutionize the world, 
 visiting in the home of the rich ? Oh, I beg your pardon. 
 You are a guest here and should be treated with courtesy. 
 I — I allowed my feelings to run away with my good 
 manners. Have you seen Kathleen? 
 
 Anna. I believe she is trying on a gown which the 
 modiste has just brought. 
 
 {Goes to window and looks out.) 
 
 Maggie {smiling). Her favorite pastime. I may as 
 well go and see her dress. Will you go with me ? 
 Anna. In a moment. 
 
 (Maggie exits stairs. Anna hides behind window 
 curtain as Michael enters window.) 
 
 Michael {at 'phone). Murray Hill, 234. — Yes, yes, 
 hurry. — Hello ! I must speak to Linton. — But why isn't 
 he here? 
 
 (Patrick and George appear at window talking. 
 Michael mutters under his breath and starts center 
 door as Anna exits window.) 
 
28 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Patrick. Wait a minute, Mike. 
 
 Michael. Don't call me Mike ! 
 
 Patrick. I'll be after callin' ye something ye'U like 
 less than Mike in a minute. Come over here and sit 
 down. (Patrick sits couch.) 
 
 Michael. What do you want ? 
 
 Patrick. Come here and I'll tell ye. 
 
 Michael (nodding toward George). Is it necessary 
 that he be here ? 
 
 George (still at window). You can call me when you 
 want me, Mr. Casey. [Exits window. 
 
 Patrick. Now come here and sit down and no 
 monkey shines. (Michael sits beside father sulkily.) 
 What ails ye, me boy? (Anxiously.) Don't think yer 
 old father's not noticed there's something on yer mind 
 for the past couple of weeks. What's the matter, lad? 
 
 Michael. I asked you last month for more money. 
 I can't get along on what you are giving me. 
 
 Patrick. Now, we won't talk about that at all. 
 That's settled. 
 
 Michael. All right. (Rising.) You want to know 
 what's wrong and when I tell you, you decline to listen 
 to me. 
 
 Patrick. Lad, when I was your age I didn't have 
 thirty dollars a year to spend for pleasure, let alone three 
 hundred dollars a month. 
 
 Michael (zvalking r.). Oh, that's all I hear from 
 you. " When I was your age " or " when I was young." 
 Times have changed in the past thirty years. I must up- 
 hold my position. 
 
 Patrick. At the expense of your old father. (Fol- 
 lows Michael.) Do you think I enjoyed workin' like a 
 horse carryin' the hod tryin' to make a little money so I 
 could spend me last days in peace, to have you and your 
 mother and sister spend it like a bunch of millionaires? 
 It won't last forever, me boy. 
 
 Michael. Yes, it's the same old story with you. You 
 are always talking about it not lasting, just as though 
 you haven't plenty. And I do wish you would quit talk- 
 ing about when you carried the hod. You never mention 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 29 
 
 that you were one of the most successful contractors in 
 New York before you retired. It's always " when I 
 carried the hod." You seem to glory in it. 
 
 Patrick. I do. Why shouldn't I? It ain't every 
 man could start in life carryin' a (stops and looks at 
 Michael) load of bricks up and down a ladder and be 
 worth a million before he was sixty. And now tell your 
 old father what's worryin' you. (Lays his hand on 
 Michael's shoidder, which is impatiently shook off. 
 Patrick looks hurt.) All right, me boy, if ye won't tell 
 me, I can't make ye. Ye've not been playin' cards again, 
 have ye? 
 
 Michael. And if I have, is it any business of yours? 
 
 [Exits c. D. 
 
 Patrick (shakes head a moment and then starts 
 toward center as Mons. De Lovier comes hurriedly 
 down-stairs, carrying boxes in such a manner that he 
 cannot see where he is going. Bumps into Patrick and 
 drops boxes). Well, can't ye watch where ye're goin'? 
 
 Armand. Watch where I am to go, ees eet? Such 
 impudence. Such affronts as I have receive in thees 
 house. Do you know who I am? Yes? No? Me, I 
 am ze great Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier. 
 Ze greatest modiste in America. 
 
 Patrick. Oh, ho ! So ye're the man dressmaker, are 
 ye? 
 
 Armand. Dressmaker? Dressmaker? Me he calls a 
 dressmaker? Oh, Mon Dieu, Mon Dieu ! Such an in- 
 sult. Monsieur, you have me insult. You have my art 
 insult. You have me ze great affront give. But what 
 can I expect where ze ladee she make me wait while she 
 feex ze hair and powdair ze nose and paint ze cheek. 
 (Snaps fingers under Patrick's nose.) Zat for you! 
 
 (Gathers up boxes and places them near hallway, tak- 
 ing one of the boxes preparatory to going upstairs.) 
 
 Patrick. Well, what are ye, if ye ain't the dress- 
 maker ? 
 
 Armand. Ze dressmaker ! I ! Eet ees to laugh ! As 
 you Americans say, For ze love of ze Michael, what ees 
 
30 
 
 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 ze use? {Taps head.) I sink zere is nobody in ze resi- 
 dence. [Exits stairs. 
 
 Patrick. Faith and I think he's a nut. {Goes to 
 windozv and calls.) Come on now, George, me boy. 
 (George enters window.) Now we can get together and 
 work out the details of our scheme. I think it is a grand 
 one. {They sit couch.) 
 
 George. It sure is. All that is necessary is to give 
 them all the bolshevism and socialism and all the other 
 isms they want. Rub it in on them. Make them sick 
 of it. Adopt the free love plan and all the other plans 
 they are so crazy about. It's bound to work out. This 
 thing is simply a fad with them. They'll get over it if 
 they're fed up on it. Take Kathleen ; she's bugs on this 
 interpretative dancing. You take it up. 
 
 Patrick. What? . Can you imagine me doin' one of 
 them wigglin' dances with nothin' on but me suspenders 
 and me shoestrings? 
 
 George. Mrs. Casey is interested in poodle dogs. Buy 
 a kennel. Have them in every room. She is also ad- 
 vocating free love. Divorce her. 
 
 Patrick {shocked). What! Me divorce Mary Anne? 
 
 George. Just until you turn the trick. Just to bring 
 her to her senses. She'll soon come across. Now go to 
 it. I'll be right here on the job to back you up. 
 
 (Eileen enters from hallway with card which she 
 gives to Patrick.) 
 
 Patrick. Jim Dougherty, eh! What the divil's he 
 after? Send him up. {'Ei\JE^i<i exits hallzv ay.) He's the 
 son of me ould friend Mike Dougherty. Me boy Mike's 
 named after him. Jim's workin' for Uncle Sam; in the 
 Treasury Department, in some sort of special investi- 
 gatin' work, whatever the devil that is. Started in as a 
 stenographer but got switched on this work and he's 
 made good. He's smart as a whip. Ye'll like him. 
 
 Jim {enters hallway). How's my old friend, Mr. 
 Casey, to-day? {They shake hands.) 
 
 Patrick. Fine ! Fine ! Take a seat. YeVe a sight 
 for sore eyes, Jimmy me lad. I ain't seen ye for the Lord 
 knows how long. 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 3I 
 
 Jim (sits L.). You wouldn't see me to-day only that I 
 have some business I must talk over with you. 
 
 Patrick. Fire ahead. (Jim nods toward George.) 
 Meet me friend, Mr. Drake. 
 
 Jim. Very glad to meet you, Mr. Drake. (They 
 shake hands.) This is rather personal business, Mr. 
 Casey. (George starts c. d.) 
 
 Patrick. Ye can speak before George. He expects 
 to marry me daughter Kathleen. Come back and sit 
 down, George. 
 
 (Patrick and George sit couch, Jim, l.) 
 
 Jim. All right then, Mr. Casey, I'll go right to it. To 
 make it short: there's a gang of men, headed by Jack 
 Linton, as slick a rogue as there is in New York, smug- 
 gling diamonds into the United States, and there is some- 
 body in this house handling the diamonds for them. 
 
 Patrick. Go on, man, ye're crazy. 
 
 Jim. No, I'm not. W-e've been trying to get our 
 hands on the whole gang, so we've left this man go a 
 couple of times, thinking he would lead us to the gang's 
 hangout. We've traced him right to your house three 
 times. Last week we were sure we had him. We had 
 one of our best men on the case and we followed the 
 man from the boat to right in front of your house when 
 presto, he vanished. 
 
 Patrick. But that don't say annything. It's a public 
 street. A man could disappear into anny one of a dozen 
 places. 
 
 Jim. The same thing happened about an hour ago. 
 The man jumped from a taxi, made for this house and 
 disappeared in or around it. I saw this myself. We've 
 never had a good look at the party but judge him to be 
 about twenty-five or so. Now, I know you, Mr. Casey, 
 and have no doubts about your family, but thought it 
 might be some of the servants or possibly a visitor. 
 Have you any visitors at present ? 
 
 Patrick. No one. Wait a minute though. I forgot 
 that bolshevik hootenanny Kathleen's brought in. 
 
 Jim. Who's she ? When and where did your daughter 
 meet her? 
 
3^ 
 
 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Patrick. The Lord knows, I don't. I think it was 
 some women's club or other. They're always gettin' into 
 some kind of devilment in them. 
 
 Jim. What do you know about her ? 
 
 Patrick. Divil a bit, only that she's some kind of a 
 haythen that don't believe in gettin' married and a few 
 other fool notions like that. 
 
 Jim. ril size her up later. {Going to window.) Vm 
 sure my man is in or around this house, for he hasn't had 
 a chance to get out, as I have the place surrounded with 
 policemen. 
 
 Patrick. I don't like that, Jim Dougherty. 
 
 (Rising; George goes R.) 
 
 Jim. Now don't get excited, Mr. Casey. They are 
 plain clothes men and no one knows about them nor do 
 I want them to. We profited by our experience of last 
 week and were prepared for the gentleman when he 
 started out this way to-day. There's no doubt about it; 
 he's here or around here. The only thing is to get him. 
 Now how many people are there in the house? That is, 
 that you know of. 
 
 Patrick (counting on fingers). There's me and Mary 
 Anne, that's two, and Mike, he's three, and Maggie, she's 
 four, and Eileen, she's the maid, and a mighty fine girl 
 at that. I wish Mike would marry a girl like that. She 
 makes five. Maybe if his mind wasn't so taken up with 
 tryin' to pay his poker debts, he would. And me daughter 
 Kathleen, she's six, and the haythen woman, she's seven, 
 and, let me see. Who else? 
 
 George. The new janitor. 
 
 (Walks over toward Patrick and Jim.) 
 
 Jim. New janitor? Where did he come from? 
 
 Patrick. How should I know? 
 
 Jim. When did he come? 
 
 Patrick. Don't ask me that either. Mary Anne 
 handles all that kind of stuff. (Counting.) The janitor's 
 eight. (Pointing to George.) Ye're nine, and the he- 
 dressmaker's tin and that's all. 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 33 
 
 Jim. Um-hmii. We can leave the family out. Who 
 is the " he-dressmaker? " 
 
 Patrick. Some fool Frinchman. What is his name? 
 
 (Studies.) 
 
 George. You can leave him out too. He's De Lovier. 
 You've heard of him. 
 
 Jim. Oh, yes, that one. Nothing doing there. How 
 about the servants ? 
 
 Patrick. There's the naygur cook and the up-stairs 
 girl and the gardener and the laundress. All Irish but 
 the naygur and his name's Kelly. 
 
 Jim (studying a moment). They wouldn't count. 
 This is the job of someone with brains. I can't rush 
 things for I have absolutely no evidence. But I sure 
 want to land that bird, li I only had someone on the 
 inside to keep their eyes on things generally. Who could 
 I get? 
 
 Patrick. Who saw you come up? 
 
 Jim. No one but the maid. 
 
 Patrick. You've never met Mary Anne, have you? 
 
 Jim. No. 
 
 Patrick. Nor anyone else in the family ? 
 
 Jim. I met your son once a long time ago, but he 
 would hardly remember me. Why? 
 
 George (excitedly). I get you ! That's good. Bring 
 him in as one of the new regime. 
 
 Jim. What's on? What are you talking about? 
 
 Patrick. Well, you see, it's like this, Jim. Me wife 
 and me daughter Kathleen, to say nothin' of that fool 
 boy Mike, Lord forgive me for ever namin' him after as 
 fine a man as yer father, the whole bunch of them have 
 the society bug and the noteriety bug and the bug for 
 half a dozen other fool ideas, and George and me was just 
 cookin' up a scheme to cure them when you stepped in 
 on it. Now we're going to give each one of them a 
 good, lippin' dose of their own medicine. 
 
 George. We'll take each one of their fads and give 
 it to them morning, noon and night, until they are sick 
 of it. Mrs. Casey likes dogs. We'll keep them in every 
 
34 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 room. She believes, or says she does, in free love. Mr. 
 Casey is going to divorce her. (Jim looks surprised.) 
 For a few days only. Kathleen has the dancing bug. 
 Mr. Casey is going to take it up in its highest form. Now 
 can't we fit you into this scheme some way so that you 
 can be on the job and incidentally help us? 
 
 Jim. Not so bad. {Studies a moment.) I might 
 help out on the dancing end of it. I'm not much on the 
 interpretative stuff, but I'm there on all the other varie- 
 ties. 
 
 George. Just the thing ! Come in as the new dancing 
 master. 
 
 Patrick. But I just told Mary Anne to-day that no 
 dacent Irishman ever was a dancin' master. 
 
 Jim. Yes, and teaching dancing is a little different 
 from just dancing. 
 
 George. You can bluff your way all right. Come in 
 as some blooming foreigner. If unnecessary questions 
 are asked, plead your ignorance of the English language. 
 Your name's Dougherty. Come in as Signor Do-her-ti. 
 Put the accent on the second syllable and there you are, 
 the great Italian artist. 
 
 Patrick. I garry, that's good. That'll give me a 
 chance to fire that dago that's been hangin' after Kath- 
 leen. 
 
 Jim. By George ! I believe it can be done. I'll have 
 my chance to keep my eye on everything going on, for 
 I am sure the man I am after is in this house. 
 
 George. Sure. Now we'd better fix Eileen. 
 
 (Starts c. D.) 
 
 Patrick. Yes, and Maggie. She can keep her mouth 
 shut. Put her next to it too. 
 
 Jim. Are you sure they won't say anything? 
 
 Patrick. Dead sure. Maggie's the daughter of her 
 father and I'm so sure of the kind of a girl the other one 
 is that I wish Mike would get some sense in his head 
 and make her me daughter too. 
 
 (George rings bell for Eileen.) 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 35 
 
 Jim. ril have to get a little make-up of some kind. 
 A moustache I suppose will be sufficient. 
 
 George. That and an accent. 
 
 Jim. I can handle the accent all right. Lord knows 
 I hear enough different varieties of them. 
 
 (Eileen enters c. d.) 
 
 Patrick. Send me daughter Maggie here at once, 
 Eileen, and be after comin' back yourself. (Eileen 
 exits.) Aw, there's a jewel of a girl. If Mike only had 
 some eyes in his head. 
 
 (Voices heard upstairs. Jim hides outside window.) 
 
 Arm AND {enters from stairs followed by Kathleen 
 and Mary A.). Ah, Madame, you have ze — ze — what 
 you call heem? — Ah, ze exquisite taste. You have take 
 ze gown which is ze most beautiful, ze most gorgeous, 
 and Mademoiselle will look, oh, in eet she will look di- 
 vine. Eet ees ze one great triumph of ze peer of 
 modistes. I, Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier, 
 say so. Yes ? No ? 
 
 Mary A. Oh, Kathleen, isn't his language wonderful ! 
 Such beautiful thoughts, such refinement of expression. 
 
 Kathleen. The ladies of New York are fortunate in 
 having such a wonderful modiste as you, Monsieur. 
 
 Armand (bowing). Mademoiselle is kind. She is 
 sharming. She is ze queen of 
 
 Patrick. When you get through with yer hippity- 
 hoppin' and scrapin' and bo win' we would like to do a 
 little more talkin' in here. 
 
 Mary A. (looking at Patrick disdainfully). Come, 
 Mons. De Lovier. We will go into the music room and 
 finish our conversation undisturbed. (To Patrick.) 
 Such rudeness ! Will you never be anything but a com- 
 mon hod-carrier ? 
 
 (Exits music room with head up. Kathleen and 
 Armand follow her disdain f idly.) 
 
 Patrick. And that's what I'm after hearin' every 
 time I open me mouth. It's no wonder I'm gettin' old 
 
36 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 and {Looks around for Jim.) Where the divil did 
 
 that man be after takin' himself? 
 
 Jim {entering from window). Right here. I didn't 
 want anyone to see me as yet. 
 
 George. You were wise. {Ruhhing his hands.) I 
 beheve this thing is going to work out fine ! 
 
 Maggie {enters r., followed by Eileen). What do 
 you want, Daddy? 
 
 Patrick. Whist! {Tiptoes around stage, others^ 
 amused by his actions.) It's careful ye want to be.' 
 We're in the midst of a conspiracy. 
 
 Maggie. What are you talking about ? 
 
 Patrick. It's a smuggler we have in the house. 
 
 {Motions for silence.) 
 
 Maggie {takes him by the ear and leads him center). 
 Now you stand right there and quit jiggling around so 
 much. Perhaps then you can tell us what you have on 
 your mind. 
 
 Patrick. How can I be a-tellin' ye, when ye wdh't 
 give me time? 
 
 George. It's like this, Maggie, Mr. Dougherty here 
 — have you met Mr. Dougherty ? 
 
 Maggie. No, I haven't. 
 
 (Mike appears at window as though going to enter. 
 Notices people in the room and stops.) 
 
 Patrick. Faith and ye know him as well as I do. 
 He's the son of me old friend Mike Dougherty. The 
 man I named Mike after. Ye've often heard me speak 
 of him. 
 
 Maggie. Hearing you speak of him and knowing him 
 are two entirely different things. Daddy. {To Jim.) I 
 am very glad to make your acquaintance, Mr. Dougherty. 
 
 Jim {bowing). And I yours, Miss Casey. If you 
 will allow me, perhaps I can explain a little quicker. I 
 am from the U. S. Treasury Department. (Mike 
 starts.) There is a gang of smugglers that has been 
 running diamonds into the United States since the war 
 and there is some one in this house handling them. He 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 37 
 
 meets the boat when it docks, get the diamonds and de- 
 Uvers them to the party or parties for whom they are 
 intended. I am trying to get that man. We traced him 
 here to-day and lost him. I called to ask your father 
 about the case, made the remark that I would like to be 
 in the house where I could keep an eye on things gener- 
 ally, and your father told me of a scheme he is going to 
 try out which, by assisting him, will enable me to be in 
 a position to nab my man — if I can locate him. 
 
 (During this speech Eileen has been jiiuch disturbed.) 
 
 Eileen. I — I think I had better go, Miss Maggie, 
 I 
 
 George. No, you are in on this too, Eileen. 
 
 Patrick. To be sure, ye are. I told Jim I wanted 
 Maggie and ye to know of it, for we could depend on 
 your help. 
 
 Eileen. Of course I will be glad to do anything that 
 I can but I have my work to do, Mr. Casey, and — and — 
 (starts R.) I really had better be going. 
 
 Maggie. Nonsense ! Don't bother about your work, 
 ril help you do it. If you are needed by Mr. Dougherty 
 and Daddy your work can wait. 
 
 Eileen. Very well. Miss Casey. (Steps back c. d.) 
 
 Patrick. George and me was a-talkin' about Mary 
 Anne and Kathleen and their fool ideas and we decided 
 to teach them a lesson. Would ye believe it? Mary 
 Anne was a-tellin' me, not twenty minutes ago, that she 
 had a notion to divorce me and hunt up a more congenial 
 soul mate. Could ye imagine it? I suppose she'd be 
 takin' up with that fool Frinchman if she had half a 
 chance. 
 
 Maggie. Father, do get to the point. What have you 
 in mind ? 
 
 George. With your permission, Mr. Casey 
 
 Patrick. Go ahead. I ain't makin' any headway at 
 all, at all. 
 
 George. You have no doubt noticed the way Kathleen 
 has been treating me, Maggie. 
 
 Maggie. Yes, I have. 
 
38 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 George. I came to talk things over with your father 
 to-day to see what could be done about it and we cooked 
 up a scheme to cure her with her own game. While we 
 are at it we are going to include Mrs. Casey. 
 
 Maggie. If you can stop mother from running after 
 those awful poodle dogs I am with you. 
 
 George. We are going to give your mother all the 
 poodle dogs and free love she wants and we are going to 
 give Kathleen all the bolshevism and brotherhood of man 
 business and dancing and so on that she wants'. 
 
 Maggie. But where do Eileen and I come in? 
 
 George. We're coming to that. Mr. Dougherty is 
 coming into the house as Signor Do-her-ti, our dancing 
 master. Your father is taking up interpretative dancing. 
 
 Patrick. And I want you and Eileen to know about 
 it and help me out. 
 
 Maggie. A fine idea, and I am with you. W^hat shall 
 we do first ? 
 
 George. Spring it on the rest of the family. Re- 
 member, now, no matter what happens, you mustn't give 
 the plot away until Mr. Dougherty gives the word. 
 
 (Michael disappears from window.) 
 
 Jim. It will be an opportunity not only of serving 
 your private purpose but you will also be helping me 
 land my man. 
 
 Patrick {scratching his head). Faith and I'm half 
 afraid to spring it on Mary Anne. She's liable to swat 
 me one with a rollin' pin. I don't suppose she's out of 
 practise. {Voices heard from music room.) Holy 
 mother of Moses ! Here she comes. 
 
 {Attempts to hide behind George.) 
 
 ^ Jim. I'll go. I'll be back, all dolled up, in a short 
 time. In the meantime, be careful. [Exits window. 
 
 Patrick. What'll I say? How'll I do it? 
 
 George. Begin by divorcing her. Tell her you are 
 going to pick a younger and prettier wife. Who could 
 you get ? By Jove ! Take Eileen. 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 39 
 
 Eileen. Oh, no, no ! Mr. Drake. I couldn't. Really, 
 I couldn't. 
 
 George. It's all in the game, Eileen. Be a sport and 
 help us out. 
 
 Patrick. Faith and I counted on your help, Eileen. 
 
 Maggie. I'll back you up, Eileen. It won't be for 
 long, I can tell you. Mother won't see anybody take her 
 place if she can help it. 
 
 Eileen. If you think it best. Miss Casey, I will. 
 
 Arm AND {enters from music room, followed by Mary 
 A., Kathleen and Michael). And I tell zem. Madam, 
 zat of all ze ladies in New York, zere is none can match 
 ze great Madam Marie Annette Casei, for her sharm, 
 her tact, her wonderful — ah, what you call heem ? Her — 
 her taste in ze clothes. Ah ! In zat. Madam, you are 
 supreme. 
 
 Mary A. Ah, Monsieur, I fear you flatter me. 
 
 George (shoving Patrick forzvard). Now is your 
 chance. Go to it. 
 
 Patrick (pulling at George). Stick by me, me boy, 
 stick by me. 
 
 (Clears throat very loudly and attempts to speak sev- 
 eral times. All look at him.) 
 
 Kathleen. What is the matter now, father? 
 
 Michael. Yes, get it off your chest. Governor, what- 
 ever it is. 
 
 Patrick (angrily). Governor, is it? And that's all 
 the respect ye have for yer father. A nice family I 
 got. Me wife runs around playin' nurse girl to a bunch 
 of poodle dogs while I have to sew the buttons on me 
 own under pants while you (to Kathleen) tell me I 
 don't know what I'm talkin' about when I say a wornan 
 has no sense that brings up the fool ideas that Russian 
 thing-a-majig does. (To Michael.) And you, you give 
 me nothing but sass and gab when I try to tell you you're 
 wastin' your time runnin' around to all the pink teas and 
 fool dances ye do and playin' poker to all hours of the' 
 night. Well, I've stood it long enough. From now on, 
 / (taps self on chest) run this shebang. I'm boss, and 
 
40 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 the first thing I'm goin' to do is pick me a younger wife, 
 an affinity, a soul mate, {looking at Mary Anne) one 
 that really miderstands me. {To Eileen.) Come here, 
 Eileen. {Puts arm around her as she goes to him.) 
 Behold the future Mrs. Casey. 
 
 Mary A. {screaming). Patrick! Have you gone 
 crazy ? What are you going to do with me ? 
 
 Patrick. With you ? Huh ! You can marry the 
 dressmaker. 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
ACT II 
 
 SCENE. — The same. Tuesday, 4 p. m. 
 
 {Curtain rises with Patrick and Jim going through 
 dance step. Patrick should be as awkward as pos- 
 sible. Mary Anne standing at window looking on.) 
 
 Jim {counting and shozving Patrick at the same 
 time). One, two, three, hop; one, two, three, hop; one, 
 two, three, hop. Now you try it. 
 
 Patrick. One, two, three, hop ; one, two, three, hop ; 
 one, two, three, hop. {Falls as he makes last step.) 
 
 Mary A. Serves you right. There's no fool Hke an 
 old fool. To think of a man of your age trying to learn 
 to dance. 
 
 Patrick. How about yourself? There's as much 
 sense in me doin' this as there is in a woman of your age 
 washin' poodle dogs' faces and tyin' curley-cues in their 
 tails. {Rises.) 
 
 Mary A. AH you have done for the past twenty-four 
 hours is insult me. You might at least have a little 
 respect for me. 
 
 Patrick. Respect, is it ? A fine lot of respect ye show 
 me ; takin' up with a he-dressmaker. . 
 
 Mary A. Mons. De Lovier is a modiste. 
 
 Patrick. He ain't. 
 
 Mary A. Pie is. 
 
 Patrick. He ain't. 
 
 Mary A. He is. 
 
 Patrick {raising arm). He ain't, I tell you. He's a 
 he-dressmaker. 
 
 Mary A. {looking up and seeing Patrick's arm 
 raised). You're right, Patrick. He's a dressmaker. 
 
 Patrick. Yes. That's what I said he was the first 
 time. {To Jim.) I garry, somebody said to treat 'em 
 rough and keep 'em guessin', and I believe he was right. 
 
 41 
 
42 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Jim (winks at Patrick). We willa now beginna de 
 dance. One, two, three, hop. One 
 
 Mary A. (putting hands over her ears). Oh, you will 
 drive me crazy with that one, two, three, hop. It's all 
 I have heard all day long. How long are you going to 
 keep this up, Patrick ? 
 
 Patrick. Until I'm ready to quit. One, two, three, 
 hop. 
 
 Mary A. Well, if you must make a fool of yourself 
 this way, go ahead. But there's another thing I would 
 like to ask you. How long are you going to flaunt that 
 servant in my face? 
 
 Patrick (contlmiing his dance). What servant? 
 
 Mary A. You know quite well ; Eileen. 
 
 Patrick. Be careful, Mary Anne, ye're speakin' of 
 me affinity. 
 
 Mary A. Your affinity! How dare you insult me 
 like that. How dare you talk of an affinity ! How 
 dare 
 
 Patrick (putting up his hand). Wait a minute. Do 
 you remember only yesterday when ye told me ye were 
 thinkin' of divorcin' me and pickin' up a soul mate that 
 understood ye better than I did? Do you remember it? 
 
 Mary A. Yes, I do, but I didn't mean anything. I 
 was just talking. 
 
 Patrick. Oh, ye were, were ye? Well, I'm doin' the 
 talkin' now and I mane this. I told ye some day ye 
 would drive me too far and ye have. Ye seemed to have 
 a good bit of fun out of your carryings on, you and 
 Kathleen, now I'm tryin' it out to see how / like it. 
 
 Mary A. Oh, you are a brute ! 
 
 Patrick. Of course I am. I expected ye to think I 
 was. A man's always a brute and no gintleman when he 
 tries to teach a woman a lesson. Ye could walk all over 
 rne and do as ye pleased ever since the day we were mar- 
 ried but when I take the reins in me own hand, I'm a 
 brute. All right, I am, but I'm enjoyin' meself and for 
 the first time in twenty years. I can even smoke me pipe 
 in me own house now. 
 
 Arm AND (rushes in window with boxes, which he 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 43 
 
 places on floor near window). Oh, zis is too much, too 
 much. Yesterday I take heem as a joke, but to-day, eet 
 is go too far. For why, Mons. Casei, for why you no 
 permeet me, Armand Francois Boni Ainie De Lovier, ze 
 world's greatest modiste, to leave zis house. For why ? 
 
 Patrick. For why? Oh, just for instance, I guess. 
 
 Armand {wildly). For eenstance, ees eet? I will no 
 stand for eenstance. I to my business must go and at 
 once. You hear me ? Ah, Mon Dieu, Mon Dieu ! Zat 
 I, ze great Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier should 
 have to undergo zis. But what can I expect in ze house 
 where ze Madam make me wait while she feex ze hair 
 and powdair ze nose and paint ze cheek. 
 
 (Struts around stage excitedly.) 
 
 Patrick. Now, Frenchy 
 
 Armand. Frenchy, ees eet you call me ? Me, ze great 
 Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier. Me you call 
 ze Frenchy? 
 
 Patrick. Ah, shut up yer face. If ye was a rale 
 he-man ye wouldn't be runnin' around makin' dresses for 
 a livin'. Ye'd be out doin' a rale man's job. Ye might 
 even be carryin' — — 
 
 Mary A. Patrick ! Don't you dare suggest that poor 
 dear Mons. De Lovier might carry the hod. 
 
 Armand (aghast). What! Me carry ze hod? Me, 
 ze great Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier carry 
 ze hod ? Ah ! Mon Dieu ! Eet is sacrilege. You have 
 me insult. You have my art insult. You have on me 
 indignities heaped. Very well. I cannot get out. I 
 shall out in ze grounds go and call ze neighbors. I shall 
 tell sem ze kind of a man Mons. Casei ees. You shall see. 
 
 (Rushes out window.) 
 
 Patrick (laughing). I garry, Frenchy is gettin' riled 
 up. 
 
 Mary A. You should be ashamed of yourself. He is 
 an artist and should not be treated so roughly. The poor 
 man's nerves must be on edge. (Armand heard scream- 
 ing outside.) What is that? 
 
44 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Jim (going to window). Ah, Signora, de modiste, he 
 maka de bigga de hollo. 
 
 Patrick (at zvindozv). We must go and stop him or 
 one of the policemen will be bangin' him on the head and 
 we don't want that. [Exits, follozved by Jim. 
 
 Mary A. Let me go too. I can soothe his wounded 
 spirits. [Exits windozv. 
 
 Michael (enters c. d. Looks around stage then goes 
 to 'phone). Murray Hill 234. — Yes, yes. Ring again. — 
 There must be someone there. — Hello, hello. I want to 
 
 speak to Linton. — Hello. This is Where's Linton ? 
 
 — Out? My God, man, why hasn't he got in communi- 
 cation with me? Where is he? — You don't know? — But 
 if they are found here, I'm ruined. (Eileen enters hall- 
 way and stops in doorway.) There's a police officer in 
 
 the house and 
 
 (Anna enters c. d.) 
 
 Eileen (very loud). Mr. Casey, your father asked to 
 see you at once. 
 
 (Michael hangs up receiver. Anna glares at Eileen 
 and exits c. d.) 
 
 Michael. Did — did you hear what I said ? 
 
 Eileen. Part of it. 
 
 Michael. Did she? (Nods tozvard c. d.) 
 
 Eileen. I don't think so. I called to you as soon as 
 she came in. It was the first thing that came into my 
 head and I wanted to warn you that she was listening. 
 
 Michael. Thank you. (JJ^alks to back of stage and 
 then comes forward.) Ah, Eileen, I'm in a devil of a 
 hole and I don't know how to get out of it. (Sits l.) 
 
 Eileen. Possibly I could help you a little, Mr. Casey, 
 if you would care to trust me. 
 
 Michael (after a short pause). I must have some- 
 one to help me and it might as well be you. 
 
 Eileen. I've noticed you've been in trouble for the 
 past couple of months, Mr. Casey. 
 
 Michael. You have ? Why should you bother your- 
 self about my affairs? 
 
 Eileen. Possibly I shouldn't, but I have a reason for 
 
TURNING THE TRICK. 45 
 
 doing so and might be able to help you if you would only 
 confide in me and trust me. 
 
 Michael (rises; looks at Eileen a moment as though 
 going to speak. Walks to back of stage; then comes 
 
 front). Eileen, I (Throws himself on couch l. and 
 
 hows head in hands. ) I can't, Eileen, I can't. 
 
 Eileen (going to him). It's the diamonds, isn't it, Mr. 
 Casey ? 
 
 Michael (rising quickly). Hush, for God's sake! 
 How did you guess that? 
 
 Eileen. When the man called for the last lot of 
 them, the ones previous to those you now have 
 
 Michael. How do you know I have any now? 
 
 Eileen. I saw you bring them in. When he was here 
 the other time I happened to be in the library when you 
 took him in there to turn the diamonds over to him and 
 when you locked the door, of course I couldn't get out. 
 So I remained quietly in the corner where I was and in- 
 advertently overheard the whole thing. Oh, Mr. Casey, 
 how did you get mixed up in such a game as this ? Don't 
 you know it's — it's dishonest? 
 
 Michael (wearily). Oh, we won't go into that now. 
 I'm so sick and ashamed of the whole thing I can hardly 
 look anybody in the face. To think that I should be act- 
 ing as a go-between for a gang of diamond thieves. I 
 almost hate myself. I had made up my mind that this 
 would be the last time I would handle them. I thought 
 with the money I would get I could straighten myself up 
 and no one would be the wiser. And now to think that 
 I have the diamonds and can't get rid of them. 
 
 (Stands at window with hack to Eileen.) 
 
 Eileen. Won't your father allow anybody out of the 
 house ? 
 
 Michael. Not a soul. Ever since Dougherty came 
 in. 
 
 Eileen. Dougherty ! Then you know ? 
 
 Michael. Yes, I heard the plot. I was just outside 
 the window as it was arranged yesterday. As soon as 
 I knew what was up I attempted to go out but Dougherty 
 
46 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 already had the place surrounded with plain clothes men, 
 and I knew if I forced my way out the diamonds would 
 be either found on me or they would suspect something, 
 so I thought I had better take my chances and hold them 
 here. 
 
 Eileen. But if someone should find them ? 
 
 Michael. They won't. Under the table is about the 
 last place they would look for them. Who's that Bairski 
 woman, Eileen ? I believe she knows about the diamonds 
 too. Oh, why did I ever get mixed up in a deal like this ? 
 
 (Goes front and sits chair l.) 
 
 Eileen. Now, don't worry, Mr. Casey, between the 
 two of us we can get rid of them, I am sure. (Studies a 
 moment.) If Madam Bairski wants them, let her have 
 them. It might be a good way out of it. 
 
 Michael. No, no, I must deliver them as I promised. 
 If I don't Well, I must deliver them, that's all. 
 
 Mary A. (enters from windozu). Oh, the poor dear 
 man, I got him quieted. (Notices Eileen.) Michael! 
 why are you associating with that — that person? 
 
 Eileen (smiles and whispers to Michael). Don't 
 worry. I'll help you. , [Exits R. 
 
 Mary A. (sits table). Oh, Michael, Michael! Such 
 goings on, such goings on. I do believe your father is 
 losing his rnind. 
 
 Michael. What's the matter now ? 
 
 Mary A. He's learning to dance. Has his own danc- 
 ing master and has been going around repeating One, 
 Two, Three, Hop, until he has me almost frantic. And 
 Michael, he's forbidden anybody to leave the grounds. 
 Even Mons. De Lovier can't get out. There are men 
 stationed all around the place. Poor Moonsier attempted 
 to leave a few moments ago and there was a dreadful 
 scene. Poor man ! I pity him so much. He is so deli- 
 cately strung. And Michael, such rudeness and boorish- 
 ness on the part of your father. Do you know, Michael, 
 I shouldn't be surprised if Mons. De Lovier challenged 
 Patrick to a duel. Now, wouldn't that be romantic? It 
 would be sure to get our names in the paper. 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 47 
 
 Michael. Mother ! Do you realize what you are say- 
 ing? Father and I haven't been very — wt\\, very con- 
 genial, but I don't see how you can mention that clown 
 and father in the same breath. 
 
 Mary A. {astounded). Why, Michael! I do believe 
 you are standing up for him. And after the way he in- 
 sulted me yesterday, too. Telling me that he would take 
 that — that servant as his affinity. I'll tear her eyes out. 
 I'll turn her out. I'll 
 
 Michael. Mother, you should know that you can't 
 turn father from a purpose he has in mind by contrary- 
 ing him. I have found that out to my sorrow. Had I 
 listened to him perhaps I wouldn't be in the fix I am in 
 now. 
 
 Mary A. I won't have him lording it over me. I 
 won't stand for him taking that — that hussy for his 
 affinity. I won't 
 
 Patrick {at c. d.). You won't what? 
 
 Mary A. None of your business. 
 
 (Michael smiles, shrugs his shoulders and exits R.) 
 
 Patrick. Oh, all right. 
 
 {Sits table r., lights his pipe. Takes magazine from 
 table and begins leafing over the pages. Wetting his 
 thumb each time he turns a page. Mary Anne sits 
 awhile Covertly watching him. Then begins to 
 fidget.) 
 
 Mary A. Well ! Say something. 
 
 Patrick {without looking up). All right. "Some- 
 thing." 
 
 Mary A. {going to him). Oh, you, you {He 
 
 pays no attention to her. She watches him a moment 
 and then begins to sniffle.) I think it's mean to treat your 
 little Mary Anne this way. Me that's worked and slaved 
 for you for the past twenty-five years. {He still pays 
 no attention to her.) Patrick! Patrick, I say! {He 
 continues with magazine.) Oh, you monster, you viper. 
 
48 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 you brute! (Rushes to door r. a7td opens it and several 
 dogs come put.) Where did these horrid dogs come 
 from? {No answer.) Patrick! What does this mean? 
 Patrick. Well, ye like to be a-spendin' of yer time 
 playin* nurse girl to a bunch of curs, so I thought bein' 
 as ye couldn't get to the dogs I would bring the dogs to ye. 
 
 {Begins reading.) 
 
 Mary A. {going l.). Oh, you, you 
 
 Patrick. I say, Mary Anne. Now that Eileen's got 
 your job we need a new maid. The job's after payin' 
 twelve dollars a week. Do you think as how ye'd want 
 it? 
 
 Mary A. {shaking finger in his face). Want it? 
 Want a job in my own house? Do you think for a min- 
 ute I'm going to stand idly by and see that servant as- 
 sume my place in this house ? Do you think you are going 
 to get rid of me so easily as that? If you do you are 
 mistaken. Let me tell you that, Paddy Casey, and don't 
 you forget it. [Exits stairs. 
 
 Patrick. Here, wait a minute. Take your little 
 dears wifli ye. {Puts dogs out after her.) There ye go 
 now, Clarissie. Come on now, Anistasia. Here, Flora- 
 belle. 
 
 {Has a name for each dog; as he puts last dog out 
 George enters c. d.) 
 
 George. Well, how goes it to-day? 
 
 Patrick. Glory be to God ! I just had a conflab with 
 Mary Anne and there's some hope for her, me lad. She's 
 got her Irish up. 
 
 George. No ! 
 
 Patrick. Yes, and she's fightin' mad. And she called 
 me Paddy. Faith and it made me feel good to hear the 
 name once more. 
 
 George {laughing and slapping Patrick on hack). 
 You'll win. ^ Stick to it. 
 
 Patrick. Oh, I'll stick it out all right. 
 
TURNING THE TRICK . 49 
 
 Kathleen {enters from hallway, dressed for street). 
 Father ! What is the meaning of this ? 
 
 (George walks to window and stands with hack to 
 room.) 
 
 Patrick. The meanin' of what, me dear? 
 
 Kathleen. I attempted to leave the house and was 
 stopped at the gate by a man, who told me no one could 
 leave without your permission. 
 
 Patrick. Well, what of it? 
 
 Kathleen {indignantly). What of it? Are we 
 prisoners? What right have you to say when I shall or 
 shall not leave the house? 
 
 Patrick. I happen to be yer father, Kathleen, and a 
 father's usually supposed to have a little say in his own 
 household. 
 
 Kathleen. My father ? Humph ! 
 
 George {reproachfidly). Kathleen! 
 
 Patrick. Oh, let her alone. I'm used to it. 'Tis 
 nothin' new. The only ones around the place as ever 
 thinks I'm worth passin' the time of day to is Eileen and 
 Maggie. 
 
 Kathleen. Eileen ! You should be ashamed to men- 
 tion that name ! Do you think for a moment we will 
 stand your carryings-on with that servant ? 
 
 Patrick. Servant is it? Is that all ye have against 
 her? 
 
 Kathleen. Isn't that enough ? 
 
 Patrick. Oh, I don't know. Yer mother was one. 
 
 Kathleen. Please don't remind me of those days. 
 I'm trying hard to forget them. 
 
 Patrick. Of course ye are. That's what the trouble 
 is with ye, the whole bunch of ye. Ye haven't time to 
 attend to the duties the good God put ye into the world 
 for, but ye have to take up this fool dancin' and bolshe- 
 vism and 
 
 Kathleen. Now, father, don't ! {Putting up hand. ) 
 
 Patrick. Shut up ! I'm spakin' now. If ye got 
 down on yer two knees and scrubbed the floor once in 
 awhile and did yer washin' and ironin' and bakin* as ye 
 
50 . TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 were intended to do, ye wouldn't have time for such 
 shennanigans as ye're pullin' oif, ye and yer mother. 
 It makes me mad, that it does, when I think of it. 
 (Kathleen tosses her head.) Shut up! 
 
 Kathleen. I didn't say anything. 
 
 Patrick. Well, why didn't ye? Ye said ye believed 
 in free love, but when I try it out, it ain't decent. Ye 
 said ye didn't believe in marriage but when I try to put 
 yer prachin' into practise ye all kick. 
 
 Kathleen. I won't stay here to be insulted. 
 
 Patrick. Trot along with ye. No one asked ye in 
 and I ain't heard annyone ask ye to stay either. 
 
 Kathleen. You should be ashamed of yourself, a 
 man as old as you are 
 
 George. Kathleen ! 
 
 Kathleen {glaring at George). This is your doings, 
 I know it. 
 
 George. What makes you think I am back of it ? 
 
 Kathleen. Because father wouldn't have brains 
 enough to think of anything like it. [Exits stairs. 
 
 Patrick (looking after her). Wow! 'Twas a hard 
 woUop she handed me. 
 
 George. I suppose my goose is cooked with her for 
 sure now. 
 
 Patrick. Aw, buck up, me boy. Ye're havin' v/on- 
 derful luck with her. 
 
 George. Wonderful luck ! I don't see how you make 
 that out. 
 
 Patrick. Whenever ye get a woman mad at ye, she's 
 beginnin' to take an interest in ye. I know. 
 
 Michael {entering r.). Father, I would like to ask a 
 favor of you, if I may. 
 
 Patrick. Ye may. Spake up. 
 
 Michael. I simply must go down town and 
 
 Patrick. Ye simply m^lst do nothin' of the kind. 
 
 Michael {pleading). But father, it's important. Very 
 important. I — I — well, I can't explain, but it means so 
 much to me, to all of us that I go. 
 
 Patrick. Does it that now? I suppose Miss Hor- 
 tense De Vanderbiit has been after callin' ye up on the 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 5 1 
 
 'phone to have ye carry her little Chinese poodle Snook- 
 ums to Miss Waldorf Astoria's reception. It's all as 
 important as that, isn't it? 
 
 Michael. Please don't joke about it, father. I must 
 go, I tell you I simply must. 
 
 Patrick (going to him). Look here, lad. Look yer 
 father in the eye. (Michael looks at his father a mo- 
 ment and then drops his head.) I thought so. It's 
 something ye're ashamed of. 
 
 Michael. , No, no, father 
 
 Patrick. Ye're lyin' and I know it. It's ashamed I 
 am that I have to say it to me own sofi at that. Ye're 
 not goin' out. 
 
 Michael. Please, father. 
 
 Patrick. Ye're not goin' out ! Do ye understand it ? 
 
 Michael. Yes, I understand, but you will be sorry. 
 Dad, and possibly before the day's out. [Exits r. 
 
 Patrick (speaking to George who has been standing 
 at window during previous conversation). George, me 
 boy, there goes what I thought was goin' to be me pride 
 and joy and he's turned out to be a liar and a — a — faith 
 I don't know the word for a general good-for-nothing. 
 
 Jim (enters window talking to Armand). Ah, you 
 makka de bigga meestake, Mons. De Lovier. To Italia 
 belongs the bigga distinch, the bigga honor of being the 
 mistress of arts, not to La Belle France. 
 
 Armand. Non, non. Monsieur. You are ze one zat 
 make ze mistake. Ze Frenchman is ze greatest artiste in 
 ze world. Look at me. Am I not ze world's greatest 
 modiste? And I am ze French. 
 
 Jim. Admitted, Signor, still I say you makka de 
 bigga mistake. 
 
 Armand. Non, non. 
 
 Jim. Si, si, Signor. 
 
 Armand. And I say non, non. La Belle France est 
 la source des beaux arts. 
 
 (The following conversation should be spoken very 
 fast, each gesticulating violently.) 
 
 Jim. Voi Sbagliate. Voi intendente I'ltalia. 
 
52 TURNING THE TRICK. 
 
 Armand. Non, non, J'ai dit la France. 
 Jim. Voi siete uno sciocco. 
 Armand. Et vous aussi! 
 
 (T^ie two following speeches should he spoken to- 
 gether. The one in French, the other in Italian — 
 very rapidly.) 
 
 Armand. Fou ! Stupide ! Inbecile ! N'avez vous 
 pas des verveaux. Ne savez vous pas ce que la France a 
 accomplit pour le monde? En musique, les beaux arts, 
 rhistorie, Tarchitecture, elle est supreme. Et tu veux me 
 dire qu'elle est surpasse par Tltalie ? Bah ! 
 
 Jim. Idiota ! Stupido ! Imbecille ! Dove avete il 
 cervello voi? Non comprendete voi quello che la Italia 
 ha fatto per il mondo? Nella musica, nella arti, nella 
 storia, nella architettura, esse e' suprema. E voi — tentate 
 di dirmo che essa e' superata dall' Francia ? Bah ! 
 
 Armand. Sacre ! You are ze one beeg fool! 
 
 (Rushes out c. d.) 
 
 Jim (looks after him and laughs). I think I beat him 
 out that time. 
 
 Patrick. And what was ye after tellin* him? And 
 what was he sayin'? 
 
 Jim. Don't ask me. I couldn't understand French 
 and my Italian is not very classic as I have picked it up 
 around the police courts, so I think it was about a stand 
 off. After we got him quieted down and you had left I 
 engaged him in a conversation which drifted from one 
 thing to another until finally we began disputing as to the 
 relative standing of France and Italy in the eyes of the 
 world. That's what all that pawing (makes motions with 
 his arms as mode during the conversation in Italian) was 
 about. I did get out of my talk with him though that 
 he knows nothing about this diamond business. Have 
 you learned anything? 
 
 Patrick. I've learned Mary Anne's got her Irish up. 
 
 George. And I've learned that I've probably put my- 
 self in Dutch with Kathleen. 
 
TURNING THE TRICK. 53 
 
 Jim. No, no. I mean have you learned anything 
 about the diamonds, about the man I'm after? 
 
 Patrick. I thought that was your job. 
 
 Jim. It is, but I'm looking for all the help I can get. 
 You expect me to help you out and it's no more than 
 fair that you do the same for me. 
 
 Maggie {at zvindow). Come here, everybody. (Point- 
 ing R. ) What do you see down there ? 
 
 Patrick. It's the Bairski woman talkin' to a man. 
 
 Jim. Who's the man? 
 
 George. The new janitor. 
 
 Maggie. That's the second time to-day I have caught 
 them talking. I also caught them together yesterday. 
 
 Jim (as they all enter room). I've never got a good 
 look at Madam Bairski. Where did you say your daugh- 
 ter met her? 
 
 Patrick. I don't think I said, but I believe it was 
 some woman's club or some place like that. 
 
 Jim. Um-hum. I wonder if she could be connected 
 with the diamond business in any way. 
 
 Patrick. I thought you said it was a man you are 
 after. 
 
 Jim. It is, but she may be in on the game also. I 
 think I will keep my eye on the lady. (Goes to window.) 
 They're coming toward the house. Perhaps she is bring- 
 ing him here. If we go in the music room and let them 
 alone together, we might listen and learn something. 
 
 (They all exit hurriedly into music room.) 
 
 Anna (at window). Just a moment. (Enters and 
 looks around.) Come in; there's no one here. 
 
 Humpy (at window). Ain't it risky for me to be 
 caught talkin' to you in the drawin'-room ? They put me 
 out yesterday. 
 
 Anna. -. If I'm caught I'll pass it ofi as my Interest in 
 the working man. You know I'm supposed to be a 
 bolshevik and it's safer to have you here than for me to 
 go to the servants' quarters. 
 
 Humpy (entering). Well, what do you want? 
 
 (Down R. by table; Anna, l.) 
 
54 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Anna. As I tried to tell you before, there's about 
 thirty thousand dollars' worth of diamonds in this house. 
 ' Humpy. Family jewels? 
 
 Anna. No, smuggled. 
 
 Humpy. Smuggled? How did they git here? 
 
 Anna. Ever hear of Jack Linton's gang? 
 
 Humpy. The big man when it comes to handlin' 
 sparklers? I should say yes. 
 
 Anna. Well, he's having them shipped in here whole- 
 sale since the war. Young Casey meets the boat 
 
 Humpy. Young Casey? The old man's son? 
 
 Anna. Yes. Don't interrupt so much. As I say, he 
 meets the boat, gets the diamonds and gets them here 
 where Linton comes after them. 
 
 Humpy. How does he get them past the customs 
 officers ? 
 
 Anna. Never mind how he does it. He does it, that's 
 all. Now the Malvernia docked yesterday and I know 
 he has the bunch that came in on it. 
 
 Humpy. But why should he 
 
 Anna. Oh, Linton's paying him well for his work. 
 Who would suspect a millionaire's son of being a party 
 to smuggling diamonds ? The old man's a tight wad and 
 young Casey needs the money to straighten up his poker 
 debts. I got the ins of things in general in this house 
 from that empty headed sister of his. Now the chances 
 are ten to one the diamonds are hidden in this room 
 somewhere, because here is w^here Linton would naturally 
 come and Casey would have them handy. He wouldn't 
 have them on him, for if he was caught it would be a 
 dead give away. I heard him at the 'phone a little while 
 ago and thought I might get next, but the maid tipped him 
 off that I was listening. 
 
 Humpy. Why should she tip him off? 
 
 Anna. Because she's in love with him, the little fool. 
 Now here's my plan. I must get those diamonds to-night. 
 
 Humpy. Suppose Linton gets here first. 
 
 Anna. He won't. Since the old man has started in 
 to reform the household he insists that everyone go to 
 bed at nine o'clock. We'll allow three hours and by that 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 55 
 
 time everybody ought to be asleep. I want you to be in 
 the hall there (points) at twelve o'clock sharp. Stay on 
 watch while I go over the room. If the diamonds are 
 here, I'll find them. When I'm through your five hun- 
 dred dollars will be waiting on you. Now take a good 
 look at the room before you leave so you won't make any 
 noise in the dark, in case you do have to come in. 
 
 Humpy (looking around carefully). I've got it. I'll 
 be here. [Exits window. 
 
 Jim (enter,s from music room). Good-afternoon, 
 Signorina. 
 
 Anna. Good-afternoon, Comrade — what is your first 
 name ? 
 
 Jim. The Americana man he calla me James, Signo- 
 rina. 
 
 Anna. Good-afternoon, Comrade James. We bolshe- 
 viks always use the first name. We have no use for the 
 other. 
 
 Jim. The Signorina is a bolshevika ? 
 
 Anna. Yes. 
 
 Jim. Is it a gooda de job to makka de mon? 
 
 Anna (smiling). We have no use for money. 
 
 Jim. Ah, ha ! You are what de Americana man 
 calla de sponge. 
 
 Anna. What do you mean? 
 
 Jim. You no needa de mon. You sponga oflfa de 
 friend. 
 
 Anna. Sir ! How dare you. You evidently forget I 
 am a guest in this house. I shall acquaint Comrade 
 Patrick that you have insulted me. [Exits window. 
 
 Jim (looking after her). A pretty slick game. 
 
 Enter Patrick, Maggie and George, r. 
 
 Patrick. Did ye find out anything? 
 
 Jim. I found out that you are entertaining one of the 
 slickest crooks in New York. 
 
 Patrick (staggered). Wh-wh-what's that? 
 
 Jim. You are privileged to have as your guest, Slip- 
 pery Anne Logan, a thief with a record from here to 
 Seattle. 
 
56 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Patrick. Well Fll be 
 Maggie. Daddy ! 
 
 Patrick. I mane it. Here's Kathleen, me own 
 daughter, runnin' around with a thief. A thief ! Would 
 ye get that now ? Fll — I'll call up the police. Til put her 
 out of the house. I'll 
 
 Jim. Lay low and let me handle it. That's what I'm 
 here for. If you sit tight and keep your mouth shut I 
 can easily put her where she belongs. Mr. Drake, you 
 and Mr. Casey go for a stroll in the grounds. You will 
 probably run into Anne. Talk and act as though you 
 knew nothing. She will say I have insulted her and 
 when she does, Mr. Casey, side in with her, and leave the 
 rest to me. Now run along, I want to have a talk with 
 Miss Casey. 
 
 (Patrick and George exit windozir.) 
 
 Maggie. You have heard something else, Mr. Dough- 
 erty. Something you didn't tell Daddy and George. 
 
 Jim. Yes, I have. I have learned the party I am 
 after is still in this house, but I couldn't get his name. 
 
 Maggie. Who on earth could it be ? 
 
 Jim. That's what I am trying to figure out, and I 
 thought possibly you could help me. Is there anyone in 
 the house your maid Eileen is interested in ? 
 
 Maggie. Not that I know of. Why ? 
 
 Jim. Anne said that the maid tipped the man I am 
 after off to something, I couldn't just catch what, be- 
 cause she was in love with him. 
 
 Maggie. Eileen ! Surely you are mistaken. She as- 
 sociates with none of the servants. Why, Daddy thinks 
 as much of her as he does of me, almost. He is always 
 saying if Mike has any eyes in his head he would marry 
 her. 
 
 Jim (struck with idea). Good Lord! Why didn't I 
 think of it before! 
 
 Maggie. What ? What have you in mind now ? 
 
 Jim. Does your brother pay any particular attention 
 to Eileen ? 
 
 Maggie. No. She seems to think a lot of him and I 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 57 
 
 believe he likes her, but he — well, Mike has some very 
 
 foolish ideas about caste and {Looks at Jim 
 
 startled.) Surely you can't think Mike is the man you 
 are after. 
 
 Jim. He owes a lot of poker debts, as I heard your 
 father say, yesterday, and I heard Anne tell the janitor 
 something about poker debts. 
 
 Maggie. But it couldn't be Mike. Please don't say 
 it's Mike. 
 
 Jim. I'm mighty sorry. Miss Casey, but it looks like it. 
 
 Maggie. Surely you are mistaken. It will break 
 Daddy's heart if you are right. He is always scolding 
 Mike for his dilly-dallying, as he says, but he's the apple 
 of his eye, nevertheless. Oh, you must be mistaken. 
 
 Jim. I knew it was a man but I never dreamed it 
 could be your brother. 
 
 Maggie. What can we do to get him out of it? 
 
 Jim. I'm afraid 
 
 Maggie. Don't say you can't help him. We must find 
 some way out of it. How long has he been at it? 
 
 Jim. I don't know, but I do know this isn't the first 
 time. 
 
 Maggie. Couldn't we get the diamonds from him? 
 Prevent him from turning them over to this gang? 
 
 Jim. Even if tve did, this is not the first lot he has 
 handled for the gang. 
 
 Maggie. How do you know that? 
 
 Jim. We know it has been going on for the past three 
 months. I myself have chased him three times, but he 
 has always got away from me. 
 
 Maggie. Thank God ! Couldn't you be mistaken ? It 
 might even be George Drake. 
 
 Jim. But why should he bring them here? I know 
 how you feel about this, Miss Casey, and I hate to be in 
 the position I am here. Your father is my father's friend 
 and 
 
 Maggie. Mike was named after your father. Oh, we 
 must save Mike somehow. Can't you think of anything 
 we can do? 
 
 Jim. I would give anything in the world to save you 
 
5^ TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 and your family from the suffering that is bound to come 
 if our suspicions are correct, but I am a sworn officer of 
 the law and what can I do ? How can I help out in this 
 case? 
 
 Maggie. But he is young. Why, Mike is only 
 twenty-five and — and {Sits at table and sobs.) 
 
 Jim (going to her). There, there. Miss Casey, we will 
 try and find some way out of your trouble. You can 
 depend on me doing anything I can. And possibly we 
 are mistaken after all. All we have is the word of a 
 thief. We will know for sure before long. 
 
 Maggie (rising and drying eyes). Thank you, Jim. 
 I mean Mr. Dougherty. 
 
 Jim. I have been known as Jim a whole lot longer 
 than I have as Mr. Dougherty — Maggie. 
 
 Maggie (wiping her eyes and trying to smile). Have 
 you — Jim? Maybe if — if we worked together we could 
 find some way out of this tangle. 
 
 Jim. That's the way to talk ! Suppose we go into the 
 music room. There aren't so many people going in there. 
 We can talk things over without being interrupted and 
 besides I want to arrange a little scheme of my own to 
 surprise " Comrade Anna " about twelve o'clock to-night. 
 
 (They exit music room.) 
 
 Kathleen (enters window followed by George). No, 
 no, no ! I'll never speak to you again, George Drake, as 
 long as I live. I know it is your doings that Daddy is 
 carrying on like this. I knozsj you put him up to it. 
 (Sits table r., tapping foot on floor, George stands near 
 windozv, disturbed. Slight pause.) Well, why don't you 
 say something? Don't stand there like a dolt, a ninny. 
 
 George (coming forward). You just said you 
 wouldn't speak to me again, so what's the use of me say- 
 ing anything? 
 
 Kathleen. Why did you put this nonsense into 
 father's head? 
 
 George. What nonsense? 
 
 Kathleen. Don't plead ignorance, for I know you 
 are responsible for us being locked in like this. I was 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 59 
 
 never so indignant in my life. To think that I should 
 go to the gate and be advised by some — some person, that 
 I could not leave the grounds. Oh, it is too much. 
 
 George. Look here, Kathleen. Just take your 
 father's side of it. Look at it from his point of view 
 for a change. 
 
 Kathleen. His side of it? His point of view? He 
 hasn't got one. All he thinks about is when he was a hod- 
 carrier or in taking care of that old clay pipe he persists 
 in smoking in front of everyone that comes into the 
 house. I won't stand for it any longer, I tell you I 
 won't. 
 
 (Starts walking back and forth over stage, George 
 following. ) 
 
 George. Please, Kathleen, listen to reason. Your 
 father 
 
 Kathleen. My father ! My father ! He is the only 
 one to be considered, is he ? I thought you cared for me, 
 not my father. How about me? How about mother? 
 We have tried and tried to make something of ourselves 
 in the past ten years and what does he do ? Spoil it ! 
 Spoil it all. Every time we invite guests into the house 
 he persists in coming into the drawing room wearing that 
 old smoking jacket and smoking that abominable clay pipe 
 of his. He has disgraced us over and over again and I 
 am about sick of it and I tell you I won't stand for it 
 much longer. 
 
 George. Disgraced you? Why, girlie, you don't know 
 what disgrace is, if you call that disgrace. You should 
 listen to reason. 
 
 Kathleen. That's all I have listened to for the past 
 three or four years and I am getting tired of it. Now 
 let me tell you something, George Drake. I am going to 
 get out of this house and to-day. 
 
 George {smiling). How? 
 
 Kathleen. It don't make any difference how. I am 
 going to get out. (Starts R.) 
 
 George. Don't, do anything foolish, Kathleen. Won't 
 you listen to me ? 
 
6o TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Kathleen. No, I won't ! ' [Exits R. 
 
 George (following her). But, Kathleen, you must. 
 
 [Exits R. 
 
 Enter Michael c. d., very cmdiously, and goes toward 
 table R. as Maggie and Jim appear door r. Maggie 
 motions Jim to go back, and she goes to table just 
 as Michael kneels to reach under table. 
 
 Maggie. Mike. 
 
 Michael (jumping quickly). Well, what do you 
 want? 
 
 Maggie. Don't speak to me like that, Mike. I merely 
 want to ask you a question. 
 
 Michael. Don't ask me anything and don't spy on 
 me either. 
 
 Maggie. I wasn't spying on you, Mike. Why 
 should I ? 
 
 Michael. I don't know, but I want you to quit it. 
 Do you understand? Quit it. And don't look at me 
 like that. You would think I was a criminal or had done 
 something I shouldn't. 
 
 Maggie. Oh, Mike, don't ! If you would only tell 
 me 
 
 Michael (grabbing her hand). Tell you what? 
 What do you mean ? Whom have you been talking to ? 
 
 Maggie (struggling to free herself). To — to — why, to 
 no one, Mike, but if you would only tell me what's been 
 troubling you lately, I might be able to help you. 
 
 Michael. I don't want your help. I don't want any- 
 body's help. If you would only let me alone and not 
 always be preaching to me, I would be better off. Any- 
 way, I want you to quit spying on me, that's all. Quit 
 spying on me. 
 
 (Exits c. D. ; Maggie looks after him a moment and 
 exits slowly to music room.) 
 
 Arm AND (enters cautiously from windozv and goes to 
 'phone. Patrick enters just behind him and stands in 
 window). Geeve me Broadway seex four and ze one. — 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 6l 
 
 I said geeve me Broadway seex four and ze one. — No, 
 no, no. Not seex four feefty one. Seex four and ze 
 one. — No, no, I do not want ze poor feesh. Eef I buy 
 ze feesh I buy ze fat one. Ha! Ha! Zat is good, ees 
 
 , eet not ? — I said geeve me I said geeve me 
 
 Oh, ho ! You call me ze poor feesh ees eet? Me, ze great 
 Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier, you, ze telephone 
 center, call ze poor feesh. Oh, Mon Dieu, Mon Dieu! 
 Now listen, center. I want you to geev me Broadway 
 
 seex four and ze Put on ze night cap, ze brain is 
 
 asleep ! Oh,' ze insult. Ze freshness ! Center, you are 
 
 ze pug-nosed, freckle faced She hang up ! She 
 
 hang up on me, ze great Armand Francois Boni Aime 
 De Lovier. I shall report her to ze management. I 
 shall 
 
 Patrick {coming forward and taking 'phone). I say, 
 Frenchy. I don't want anny 'phonin' from this house 
 that I don't know about. 
 
 Armand. But Monsieur ! I must to my business at- 
 tend. Just sink of ze Mesdames and ze beautiful young 
 ladees zat have in ze order for ze dress and I not zere to 
 serve zem. Ah, Monsieur ! eet ees, what you call heem ? 
 Ze great calamity ! Yes ? No ? 
 
 Pa-^ick. It'll be a great calamity for you if I catch 
 you at that 'phone again, now remember that. [Exits R. 
 
 Armand {walking up and dozvn stage excitedly as 
 Mary A. enters c. d.). What shall I do? What shall 
 I do? Ze old man h'e is crazee. He ruin my busi- 
 ness. To sink zat I, ze world's greatest Modiste should 
 undergo zis humiliation. Cest le terrible ! 
 
 Mary A. It's too bad, Monsieur! It's just too bad, 
 that's what it is. Now, let's sit right down here and 
 see if we^ can't figure some way out of it. Now what 
 can we do? {Sitting l.) 
 
 Armand. Do? Do? {Excited.) I would like to 
 beat ze tattoo on Mons. Casei's stomach. {Makes passes 
 as though striking.) Oh, to sink zat I, ze great 
 
 Mary A. Yes, yes, I know that. The question is to 
 get you out. Possibly if I got you out, you might be able 
 to get Kathleen and me ouc. Now let us think for a mo- 
 
62 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 ment. (Pauses. Arm and assumes different postures of 
 profound thinking. ) Oh, I have it ! How about this : 
 
 {Whispers in Armand's ear as Patrick enters and 
 stands R.) 
 
 Armand. Oh, Madame, eet ees excellent ! Your plan 
 ees, what you call heem ? Inspired ! Now listen to your 
 Armand : 
 
 (Whispers to Mary A. She answers him and he 
 again whispers. Patrick pidls up his sleeves, spits 
 on his hands, etc.) 
 
 Mary A. Oh, Mons. De Lovier! You can say the 
 nicest things and I just know if you follow my advice you 
 will be able to get away. 
 
 Patrick (coming forward). So! Madam Casei! I 
 have caught you, have I ? 
 
 Mary A. Caught me what? You told me I could 
 marry the dressmaker. Perhaps I am getting ready to 
 follow your advice. 
 
 Patrick. Faith, and if that's all that's worryin' your 
 red head, ye needn't be excited. You can marry the 
 dressmaker or the janitor or who ever the devil you 
 please, for all I care, but I don't want any plottin' to 
 get the dressmaker or anybody else out of this house 
 until Patrick Timothy Casey gives the word. Do you 
 get that now? 
 
 Armand. But for why you keep me, ze great Ar- 
 mand 
 
 Patrick (picking up cushion and drazving it hack to 
 throw). Choke it off! Choke it off, Frenchy. Yer 
 head's jest about soft enough that a sofy pillow would 
 make a good dint in it, so be careful. 
 
 Arma-nd (feeling his head). Soft? Soft? My head 
 is what you call soft? Me, ze great Armand Fran- 
 cois 
 
 Patrick (putting hand over his mouth). Aw, shut up 
 yer face, ye'll let the draft in. Now git ! Ye can tell yer 
 story to the next one ye bump into. (Shoves Armand 
 out c. E.) And as for you, Mary Anne Casey, git up- 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 63 
 
 Stairs and no more shennanigans with that Frinch jumpin' 
 jack. 
 
 Mary A. {crying). You — you brute! To treat your 
 lawful wedded wife like this. Oh, you monster! You 
 viper I You rat ! You — you 
 
 Patrick. Yes, go on. 
 
 Mary A. {crying very loud). To treat your dear little 
 Mary Anne this way, when she loves you like she does. 
 
 {Exits stairs and cries very loud just outside door.) 
 
 Patrick. I garry ! I'd better go and shut her up or 
 she'll be after havin' the neighbors in to see what I'm 
 bateing her up for. [Exits stairs. 
 
 Anna {enters c. d., followed by Kathleen). Under 
 no conditions would I stand for it, Comrade Kathleen. 
 Why should he play the tyrant, simply because he is your 
 father? {Sits l. ; Kathleen at table r.) Why should 
 he, I say? 
 
 Kathleen. That's just what I think. What right 
 has he to insist on me staying here when I don't want 
 to stay? 
 
 Anna. None whatever. We are all free, free as the 
 birds of the air and the lilies of the field. 
 
 Kathleen. Oh, how beautifully you talk, Comrade 
 Anna. You must have traveled and studied a lot. 
 
 Anna. Yes, I have traveled considerably. You see 
 the police 
 
 Kathleen. The police! 
 
 Anna. That is — er, I am a bolshevik, a free thinker. 
 I believe in expressing what is in me and in taking what 
 I want, and the police have — er, kept me moving. You 
 understand. 
 
 Kathleen. Oh, yes I How romantic ! 
 
 Anna. Yes, isn't it? 
 
 Kathleen. But suppose I did leave here. Comrade 
 Anna, where should I go? 
 
 Anna. Go to this address. {Goes to table and writes 
 card.) You will find friends of mine there. Stay there 
 for a few days and let no one know where you are. Just 
 think of the sensation it will make ! Think of the head- 
 
64 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 lines in the papers. " Kathleen Casei, the beautiful 
 daughter of one of New York's wealthy contractors, dis- 
 appears with all her jewels." Of course, you will take 
 your jewels with you, all of them. 
 
 * Kathleen. Oh, of course. You are wonderful to 
 think of things like you do. But should I take all of 
 them ? 
 
 Anna. Every one of them. Don't think of going 
 without them. 
 
 Kathleen. Now, let me see: I have the diamond 
 sunburst and the pearl necklace and the ruby locket and 
 
 the emerald brooch and the You are quite sure 
 
 they will be safe with your friends? 
 
 Anna. Oh, quite sure. You need have no worry. 
 If you once reach there with your jewels they will be in 
 safe hands, I can assure you. 
 
 Eileen (enters stairs). Miss Casey, your father 
 would like you to go to your mother at once. She is 
 hysterical. 
 
 Kathleen. Hysterical? How absurd. I shall take 
 everything and go there, Comrade Anna, but I am not 
 going to tell even you how I am going to get out. 
 
 (Exits stairs; pause in which Anna watches Eileen 
 closely, Eileen making no effort to leave the room.) 
 
 Anna. Well ! 
 
 Eileen. Is there anything I can do for you, Madam ? 
 
 Anna. Yes ! Leave the room ! 
 
 Eileen. Very well. [Bozvs and exits R. 
 
 Anna (looks around room hurriedly and then goes to 
 'phone). Van Courtland 1617. — Anna speaking. Have 
 the machine on the corner here at twelve o'clock to-night, 
 sharp! I must get out. There's a police officer in the 
 house and a girl that suspects something. I wish you 
 had sent Smith or Young Wallace. I don't more than 
 half trust this Humpy. Now mind — twelve sharp. Oh, 
 by the way! There'll be a young fool show up there 
 sometime to-day or to-morrow. She'll have a bag full of 
 jewels. You'll know how to handle them. — Sure! You 
 know. 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 65 
 
 {Hangs up receiver, looks around room and exits c. d.) 
 
 Eileen {enters after short pause, closes door care- 
 fidly, looks out c. D. and then goes to 'phone). Informa- 
 tion, please. Can you give me the subscriber's name for 
 Van Courtland 1617. — The Hotel Clancy? Thank you. 
 {Gets 'phone hook and looks through it. Jim and 
 Maggie enter r.) Oh, Mr. Dougherty, I'm so glad you 
 came in. I don't know why, but I have suspected that 
 Madam Bairski and I just listened outside the door and 
 heard her call Van Courtland 161 7 and ask for a ma- 
 chine to be at the corner at twelve sharp to-night as she 
 must make her getaway, whatever that means. She 
 knows you are an officer and says she suspects me. 
 
 Jim. Um-hum. 
 
 Eileen. I looked up the number in the book and it's 
 the Hotel Clancy on the lo\ver Bowery. If she is what 
 she claims to be why should she be acting this way ? 
 
 Jim. You would make a good detective, Miss 
 O'Rourke. As for Madam Bairski knowing me, no doubt 
 she would. I have been instrumental in having her sent 
 up twice for some of the stunts she has pulled off. 
 {Takes hook.) The Hotel Clancy, eh? Van Courtland 
 1617. You are sure it was that number? 
 
 Eileen. Positive. 
 
 Jim {laying down hook). The hangout for a bunch 
 of crooks. I know the place. And the machine was to 
 be here at twelve sharp? 
 
 Eileen. Yes. 
 
 Maggie. What are you going to do? 
 
 Jim. Be here at the windup and see what Is coming 
 off. If I don't get anything else, I'll probably get the 
 diamonds, as she evidently knows where they are. Then 
 we might possibly catch 
 
 Maggie. Oh, Jim ! Please don't do anything to Mike. 
 
 Eileen. Mike ! I mean Mr. Casey — why he — that 
 is, there is nothing wrong with him, Is there? 
 
 Jim {looJiing at Eileen sharply). Miss O'Rourke, why 
 did you tip Mr. Case}^ to the fact that Madam Bairski 
 was listening to his 'phone conversation some time ago ? 
 
66 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Eileen. How did you know that ? 
 
 Jim. Never mind. Why did you do it ? 
 
 Eileen. Why, I Mr. Casey has been very good 
 
 to me, Mr. Dougherty. 
 
 Maggie. Why, Eileen! He's the crankiest, most 
 cantankerous man to be around that I know of. That is 
 lately. (Michael in hallway, l.) I can't think what 
 has gotten over Mike. 
 
 Jim. Whatever your motive. Miss O'Rourke, it was 
 very kind of you to aid him. You have done him a favor 
 which some day he will be glad to repay. {Looks at 
 watch.) We still have some time before dinner. Shall 
 we take a little walk around the grounds? {Offers his 
 arm to Maggie.) Will you join us, Miss O'Rourke? 
 
 Eileen. No thank you. 
 
 [Jim and Maggie exit window, talking. 
 
 Michael {coming forward). What was he saying? 
 What does he intend doing ? Tell me, for God's sake ! 
 
 Eileen. Don't excite yourself, please, Mr. Casey. I 
 have a plan. 
 
 Michael. What can we do to prevent him carrying 
 out his scheme? Oh, Eileen, he'll find the diamonds and 
 I'll be disgraced and I can't stand that. 
 
 Eileen. Can't you trust me ? I tell you I have a plan 
 that can't fail. I am sure I can save you from being 
 found out. Please believe me. Just let things go on as 
 they are and trust me. 
 
 Michael. But how will I know? How can I stand 
 this suspense? 
 
 Eileen. Listen ! Mr. Dougherty expects an effort 
 will be made to remove the diamonds at twelve o'clock 
 to-night. 
 
 Michael {going toward table). I'll take them away. 
 
 rii 
 
 Eileen. No, no ! Leave them where they are. Just 
 leave the matter in my hands and I can promise you you 
 will be rid of them. 
 
 Michael. But I can't let them get into other hands. 
 I must deliver them. 
 
 Eileen. Just leave that to me, Mr. Casey. My plan 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 67 
 
 can't fail. And whatever you do, don't come down here 
 at twelve o'clock. Promise me. 
 
 Michael. But Eileen 
 
 Eileen. Promise me, please. 
 
 Michael. I — I promise. 
 
 Eileen {shoving him gently toward door c). Trust 
 me, Mr. Casey; everything will be all right. (Michael 
 exits c. D. ; Eileen goes to table, feels to see if diamonds 
 are there, and then goes to window.) I don't like to do 
 it, but I ,can see no other way ; I can see no other way. 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
ACT III 
 
 SCENE. — The same. Midnight, Tuesday. 
 
 {Curtain should be drawn on darkened and empty 
 stage. Moonlight outside window i.. Eileen conies 
 down-stairs and goes slowly to table where dia- 
 monds are hidden as Humpy appears in moonlight 
 outside window. Eileen removes diamonds from 
 under table when slight noise is heard on stairway. 
 She runs and hides behind couch l. as Humpy dis- 
 appears from window. Jim appears on stairway 
 7vith revolver in hand. Pauses a moment at foot of 
 stairs then walks to table, goes over table, drawers, 
 etc., then goes to window for a moment. He then 
 softly tiptoes into hallway l. As he disappears into 
 hallway Eileen quickly darts from behind couch and 
 starts toward window. At window she stops and 
 notices the dress box beside zvindow. Hurriedly 
 drops diamonds in the dress box, and hearing 
 Michael on stairs, again hides behind couch.) 
 
 Michael (enters stairs and goes to table. Reaches 
 for diamonds). My God! They're gone! 
 
 Jim (in halhuay). Hands up, you! Be quick! 
 (Michael throws up hands.) You at the foot of the 
 stairs there, and you over by the couch. Put your mitts 
 up, all of you, and be quick about it. No monkey buslr 
 ness either. (Turns on light and stands zvlth back to 
 audience. Eileen is disclosed standing at end of couch 
 near window. Madam Bairski right front, Michael back 
 of table, Kathleen at door of music room with satchel 
 at her feet, Mary A. and Armand on stairs. All have 
 hands up.) Now then : Are you all after the diamonds? 
 (No answer.) Nothing to say, any of you? (Pause; 
 to Michael.) Well, you evidently knew something 
 about them, so we'll just put the cuffs on you to be sure 
 we've got you. Put out your hands. 
 63 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 69 
 
 (Michael in a daze puts out his hands.) 
 
 Mary A. (coming forzvard). What do you mean by 
 this ? My boy has done nothing wrong, I know he hasn't. 
 
 Eileen {quietly, stepping forward). Mr. Casey had 
 nothing to do with the diamonds, Mr. Dougherty. I am 
 the one you are after. 
 
 Jim. So you're the one I'm after, are you? {To 
 Michael.) We'll just buckle you up for safe keeping, 
 anyway. Put out your hands. 
 
 {Puts handcuffs on Michael.) 
 
 Mary A. Who are you to take such liberties in this 
 house? 
 
 Jim. I'll give you full particulars as to who and what 
 I am later. All I can say at present, Mrs. Casey, is that 
 your son has placed himself in a mighty compromising 
 position, and I think he will be best under restraint for a 
 while. {To others.) You can drop your hands now. 
 {All drop hands.) Don't make any unnecessary moves, 
 though, for I have you covered. {To Michael.) You 
 sit down there. {Points to chair hack of table.) The 
 rest of you get over here. (Jim steps hack c. ajid points 
 L., zvhere all go hut Eileen, who stays near couch back.) 
 Now then, Miss O'Rourke, we'll hear your story. 
 
 Eileen. Can't I speak to you alone, Mr. Dougherty? 
 
 Jim {looks from one to the other). Mrs. Casey, al- 
 though I can't see your reason for being here, I don't 
 think you are in any way connected with this game. Will 
 you go to Mr. Drake's room and tell him to come down 
 at once? Tell him to come right away; not to stand on 
 ceremony. [Mary A. exits stairs. 
 
 Michael {rising). You are in wrong, Dougherty. 
 {Nods fozvard Eileen.) She had absolutely nothing to 
 do with it. 
 
 Eileen. Please, Mr. Casey, don't try to take the 
 blame for what I have done. I can handle myself. 
 
 (Puts finger to lips as sign for Michael to keep quiet.) 
 
 Michael. But I can't stand for this. You are 
 
70 
 
 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 wrong, and you know it. She had nothing to do with 
 this, Dougherty. I can explain 
 
 Jim. You'll have every opportunity in the world to 
 explain and so will she. So will all the rest of you. I 
 am the best little old listener in the world when it comes 
 to explaining things, especially in a case of this kind. 
 
 Anna. I protest against your high-handed manner of 
 conducting things. Why should we be held here just 
 because you say so ? The mere fact that we were in this 
 room at midnight is no reason for you holding us up at 
 the point of a gun. 
 
 Jim. That'll be just about enough from you, Annie. 
 
 {Looks at her meaningly. Anna clinches her hands, 
 bites her lips and turns away.) 
 
 Kathleen (indignantly). The idea! Who are you 
 to act like this with us ? Father's dancing master ! Why 
 have you handcuffed my brother, ordered my mother 
 around as though she were a servant and spoken, to our 
 guest as you have? If they wish to stand for it, / don't. 
 I am going to my room. (Starts toward stairs.) 
 
 Jim. I would advise you to stay where you are. Miss 
 Casey. 
 
 Kathleen. I shall do nothing of the kind. 
 
 Jim. You had better take my advice. 
 
 Kathleen. I won't. (Again starts toward stairs.) 
 
 Jim (pointing gun toward her). Go back where you 
 were. (Kathleen glares at him a moment, then re- 
 sumes former position.) When you move again let me 
 be the one to tell you to do it. Do you get me? 
 
 Kathleen. I — I (Looks at gun; very meekly.) 
 
 Yes, Mr. Dougherty. 
 
 George (enters from stair, hair rumpled. Wearing 
 pajamas and bath-robe. Is follozved by Mary A. 
 George goes c, Mary A. r. front). What's up, old man? 
 (Notices others.) Why, what's on? Kathleen! What 
 are you doing dressed readv to go out at this time of 
 night, and Mike! My God! Mike! Why, what's 
 wrong ? 
 
 Jim. Here, Drake, take this gun. (Hands gun to 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 7I 
 
 George.) Just a moment. {Exits r., returning almost 
 instantly with door key.) I have locked the other door 
 to that room. (Puts key in pocket.) You take this 
 crowd in there and see that none of them leave until I 
 give them permission. 
 
 (Stands at door r. to permit them to pass.) 
 
 George. But what's up? What does it all mean? 
 
 JiAi. I think I have the man, or woman, I am after. 
 I'm not so sure about the diamonds, but I don't think 
 they are far off. Come, ladies and gentlemen. 
 
 Mary A. Diamonds ! What diamonds ? What are 
 you talking about ? 
 
 Armand. Sir ! Zis ees one insult. For why you ar- 
 rest me? Me, ze great Armand Francois 
 
 Jim. Mons. De Lovier, I would arrest the King of 
 Siam if he was here and had a hand in the tangle I am 
 trying to clear up. Pass right in. 
 
 Anna. This is an outrage ! 
 
 Jim. No remarks from the gallery, Annie. Slip right 
 along. (All exit but Anna, Eileen and Michael.) 
 Come right along, Annie dear. 
 
 Anna (clenching hands). Oh, wouldn't I lik^ 
 
 Jim. Yes, I know you would. But for the present 
 you had better follow the others. (Anna glares at him 
 and exits R.) Now then, we can talk in peace. What 
 have you to say, MissO'Rourke? 
 
 Eileen. Nothing. 
 
 Jim. Nothing? Didn't you want to speak to me 
 alone ? 
 
 Eileen. We are not alone, Mr, Dougherty. 
 
 Jim. You can speak before Mr. Casey. 
 
 Eileen. I have changed my mind. I have nothing 
 to say. 
 
 Jim. Changed your mind, eh? Well, I understand 
 that is a woman's privilege. All right. What have you 
 to say for yourself, Casey? 
 
 (Eileen, r., Jim, c., Michaex, l.) 
 
 Michael. I have (Eileen motions to keep quiet) 
 nothing to say. 
 
72 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Jim {looking from one to the other). Oh! You 
 haven't ! Now look here, you two. I think one of you 
 brought those diamonds into this house, so evidently one 
 of you is the party I am after. Just which one, I don't 
 know. {Looks at Michael.) I have my suspicions, 
 though. {During this conversation Humpy stealthily 
 enters from window and removes bag of diamonds from 
 box where Eileen had placed them. As he gets outside 
 window, makes noise. Jim whirls around facing 
 window.) What was that? 
 
 {Walks toward window and looks out; to Michael.) 
 
 Eileen. Why did you come down here when I told 
 you not to? 
 
 Michael. I couldn't stay away, I 
 
 Eileen. Say nothing, no matter what you hear or see. 
 
 Jim {coming forward). So you have nothing to say, 
 either of you ? 
 
 Eileen. Nothing, Mr. Dougherty. 
 
 Jim. And you, Casey? 
 
 Michael {after a short pause). Nothing. 
 
 Jim. One of you is a mighty good liar and the other 
 one pretty good at holding their tongue, but if we can't 
 get anything out of you we'll try someone else. But 
 before I call anyone in, how about the diamonds? 
 {Neither answer.) What have you done with them, 
 Casey? {No answer.) All right. {Goes to door R.) 
 Send Miss Casey in, Drake. {Motions for Michael 
 and Eileen to go into room r., which they do, passing 
 Kathleen as she enters.) And now. Miss Casey, will 
 you tell me what you were doing in this room at mid- 
 night, dressed for the street? 
 
 (Kathleen on couch; Jim, c.) 
 
 Kathleen. I don't think that is any of your btisiness. 
 Jim {opens coat and shozvs her badge). Possibly that 
 will give you to understand it is some of my business. 
 Kathleen. Just who are you? 
 Jim. Jim Dougherty, of the United States Treasury 
 

 TURNING THE TRICK 73 
 
 Department. Here to get a man, or woman, who has been 
 disposing of diamonds smuggled into the United States. 
 
 Kathleen. What man or woman? 
 
 Jim. If I knew that I wouldn't be questioning you. 
 
 Kathleen. Is that why you put the handcuffs on 
 Mike? Why, Mike wouldn't do a thing like that ! 
 
 Jim. I hope he didn't, but things look mighty interest- 
 ing for Mike just the same. Now for his sake and your 
 own I would advise you to tell me just what you know 
 about this case. 
 
 Kathleen {earnestly) . Oh, I don't know anything at 
 all about it. This is the first time I even knew there were 
 diamonds in the house. • 
 
 Jim. Are you sure you weren't trying to get them out 
 of the house for your brother? 
 
 Kathleen. Oh, no, indeed, Mr. Dougherty! In- 
 deed I wasn't. You see Daddy and I had a quarrel and 
 he said we were all to stay in the house until 
 
 Jim. Yes, yes, I know about that. I helped arrange 
 it. 
 
 Kathleen. Indeed ! Well, if you know so much 
 about it why are you questioning me ? 
 
 Jim. Please don't take that tone, Miss Casey. I must 
 know the ins and outs of this case. 
 
 Kathleen. Well, I don't believe Daddy has any right 
 to say what I shall or shall not do. My life is my own 
 to live as I please. 
 
 Jim. Comrade Anna's teaching, I presume? 
 
 Kathleen. Yes, it is, if you must know. 
 
 Jim. Do you know who she is? 
 
 Kathleen. Yes, she is a Russian lecturer. 
 
 Jim. Do you know where she's from? 
 
 Kateileen. Why from Russia, of course. Where 
 should she be from ? 
 
 Jim. Russia ! Humph ! She's just about two weeks 
 out of Sing Sing. 
 
 Kathleen. The idea ! What would she know about 
 Sing Sing? 
 
 Jim. My dear young lady 
 
 Kathleen. I hate people being so familiar. 
 
74 
 
 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Jim. I beg your pardon, Miss Casey. Madam Bair- 
 ski, as you call her, is one of the slickest confidence 
 women in New York. She has a police record as long as 
 your arm. 
 
 Kathleen {dropping her hag). I — I don't believe 
 you ! 
 
 Jim {at door). Drake! Send Slippery Anne out to 
 me. 
 
 Kathleen. Slippery Anne! Is that her name? 
 (Anna enters.) Why did you take me in like that, 
 you — you Representing yourself to me as a bol- 
 shevik. You a crook, a confidence woman. I — I could 
 tear your eyes out. 
 
 Anna {contemptuously) . I'd like to see you try it, 
 you empty-headed little fool ! 
 
 (Jim nods tozvard door r. ; Anna exits.) 
 
 Jim. Now have you anything to tell me? 
 
 Kathleen. Yes, I have ! I made up my mind I was 
 going to get out of this house to-night no matter what 
 Daddy said. I told Madam Bairski about it, I mean that 
 Slippery Anne woman, and she urged me on. Told me 
 she wouldn't stand for it either if she were me. I had 
 no particular place to go, so she gave me the address of 
 some friends and told me to go there and stay for a day 
 or so. She said if I disappeared for a couple of days it 
 would make a big sensation and I would get my name in 
 the paper and — and so I thought everybody would be 
 asleep at midnight and that would be my chance — and 
 you caught me, and — and {Sobs.) 
 
 Jim. There, there, Miss Casey. You are not the first 
 one she has taken in. But in the future I would advise 
 you to listen a little more to your father and not so much 
 to outsiders. 
 
 Kathleen. Oh, I will, I will ! 
 
 Jim. May I see your bag? 
 
 Kathleen {picking bag up). There's nothing in it, 
 really — only a few things. 
 
 Jim. I would like to see those few things. I must 
 find those diamonds, you know. {Opens bag, reaches in 
 and finds jewelry.) Whose jewelry is this? 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 75 
 
 Kathleen. Mine. 
 
 Jim. What were you going to do with it? 
 
 Kathleen. That — that woman told me to take it 
 with me. 
 
 Jim. Where was she sending you? 
 
 Katpileen {takes card out of glove and hands it to 
 Jim). Here's the address. 
 
 Jim {reading). Hotel Clancy! {Places hag on floor 
 in front of zmndow.) Miss Casey, that place is a regular 
 nest of crooks and thieves. You are a lucky girl you 
 were caught in time. Now go up-stairs and get down 
 on your knees and thank God that you are still under 
 your father's roof and don't be so foolish in the future. 
 (Kathleen slowly exits stairs. Jim looks after her a 
 moment.) Little fool! {Goes to door R.) All right for 
 Anne again. (Anna enters; walks front r.) I'm wait- 
 ing. 
 
 Anna. What for? 
 
 Jim. For you to spill things. Go to it. 
 
 {Sits couch.) 
 Anna. Some gentleman, I'll tell the world. 
 
 {Should drop all semblance of good breeding, speak- 
 ing in a slangy, don't-care manner.) 
 
 Jim {rising). I beg your pardon. {Bows.) Be 
 seated, Madam Bairski. 
 
 Anna {sitting l. of table). Lop off the Madam stuff. 
 Got a pill about you ? 
 
 Jim. Sure. {Hands her cigarette case.) 
 
 Anna {takes cigarette and lights it). I've been dying 
 for one of these. 
 
 Jim {sitting l.). Now that I've acted the gentleman, 
 go ahead and tell me what you know about this affair. 
 
 Anna {who is just ready fa smoke, drops cigarette and 
 turns to Jim). What affair? 
 
 Jim. This diamond business. 
 
 Anna. What diamonds ? 
 
 Jim. Now, Annie, I'm Irish, don't rile me. You 
 
76 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 know quite well what diamonds. The ones yon are here 
 for. 
 
 Anna. I don't know what you are talking about. 
 
 Jim. Oh, yes, you do, Annie. Come across, come 
 across. If you get it out of your system you'll feel better. 
 Besides, it might influence me to put in a good word for 
 you. 
 
 Anna {angrily, rising). What for? Why should you 
 put in a good word for me, I'd like to know? 
 
 Jim. Now, Annie 
 
 Anna. Who do you think you're talking to? Some 
 sucker that don't know anything? Some one that you 
 can get to spill everything they have in them and then 
 have it put over them by a smart gazaboo like you ? Well, 
 you got another think coming, old topper. {Snaps 
 fingers.) I ain't telling anything, see! I ain't got any- 
 thing to tell and if I had I wouldn't talk until I saw my 
 lawyer. And another thing: yon ain't got nothing on 
 me, for I ain't done anything for you to get your hooks 
 on me for. You can't arrest me simply because I'm in 
 this house. I was asked here by Miss Casey as her 
 guest. If you don't believe me, ask her. Ask anybody. 
 It ain't no crime to be invited into a rich man's house, 
 is it? I ain't stole anything. If you don't believe me, ask 
 them if anything's gone. I don't know anything about 
 your old diamonds and I've been acting the lady ever 
 since I came here. Now if you think you have anything 
 on me, go to it. (^7'/^ table.) 
 
 Jim {rising and looking at her admiringly). No 
 wonder they call you Slippery Anne ! You're all there 
 when it comes to handling yourself, aren't you? All 
 right. Granted I haven't anything on you. You are here 
 in a house where there are a number of smuggled dia- 
 monds. You are caught at midnight where the diamonds 
 are supposed to be hidden with all evidences of being 
 prepared for a hasty flight. And besides, the maid heard 
 you call up the Hotel Clancy and ask for an auto to be 
 on the corner at twelve sharp. 
 
 Anna {clenching her hands). Oh, if I had my fingers 
 on that girl ! 
 
TURNING THE TRlCK 77 
 
 Jim. That got you, didn't it ? Nozv have you anything 
 to say? 
 
 Anna {turns and looks at him a moment, then lan- 
 guidly fixes her hair) . Not a thing, dearie ! 
 
 Jim. Nothing as to where the diamonds are, either? 
 (Short pause, Anna polishing her nails, etc.) All right, 
 run along. I'll get to the bottom of this thing if I have 
 patience. (Anna exits r.) We'll now take the dress- 
 maker. 
 
 Arm AND (enters r.). Oh Mon Dieu! Mon Dieu ! 
 To sink zat I should come to zis; me, ze great Armand 
 Francois Boni Aime De Lovier. And in zis house where 
 I have so many favors done for Madame and Mademoi- 
 selle, Ah ! Armand ! Armand ! eet ees ze one great — 
 great — what you call heem? Tribulation you have to 
 endure. And now, Monsieur, what does ze policeman 
 want wiz Armand De Lovier? 
 
 Jim. What do you know about this diamond business? 
 
 Armand (surprised). Diamond business? I know 
 nossing about ze diamonds. Monsieur. I make ze dress, 
 Monsieur. I do not sell ze diamond. I am ze great 
 artiste in Madame's clothes, not in ze jewelry, Monsieur. 
 
 Jim. What were you doing in this room when I 
 caught you, about half an hour ago? 
 
 Armand. Ah ! Monsieur ! ze old man Casei he is 
 crazee. He say no one shall leave ze house, but I, Mon- 
 sieur, am a man of ze business. I must leave. I have 
 ze business zat requires ze brains of ze world's greatest 
 modiste to run eet, so Madam Casei and me we make ze 
 — ze — what you call heem? Ze — ze plot, and she say, 
 " Meet me in ze living-room at ze midnight and I get you 
 out," and so, Monsieur, I be here and zen you come, and 
 oh ! Mon Dieu ! Mon Dieu ! what will become of me 
 now? 
 
 Jim (laughing). Mons. De Lovier, I think if you go 
 to your room and stay there, I can safely promise you 
 that you will be permitted to leave this house to-morrow 
 morning. 
 
 Armand. Ah ! Mons. Doherti, you are ze gentleman. 
 I kees your hand. (Grabs Jim's hand and kisses it. 
 
78 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Jim jerks it away.) I kees your cheek. (Kisses Jim on 
 both cheeks, Jim protesting.) And now, Monsieur, I go, 
 I go. (Starts toward stairs.) But once more I salute 
 Monsieur. 
 
 (Kisses Jim on mouth and then runs upstairs.) 
 
 Jim (rubbing mouth with handkerchief). The crazy 
 fool ! He hasn't sense enough to steal diamonds. 
 
 Maggie (enters from stairs). What's going on, Jim? 
 I just met Mons. De Lovier on the stairs and he grabbed 
 me and kissed me as he passed. 
 
 Jim (rubbing lips). You're not the only one he kissed. 
 I got it too. 
 
 Maggie. I heard talking down-stairs and I came down 
 to see what was the matter. 
 
 Jim. I have made the round-up, and while I haven't 
 found the diamonds — in fact, haven't looked for them, I 
 have one party handcuffed and another confessing they 
 are the one I am after. 
 
 Maggie. Who has confessed? Not Mike? 
 
 Jim. No, not Mike. Eileen. 
 
 Maggie. Eileen! You are crazy. What would that 
 girl know about smuggling diamonds? 
 
 Jim. That I don't know, but I do know that she has 
 confessed she is the one I am after. 
 
 Maggie. I don't believe it. Bring them in here and 
 let me have a talk with them. Perhaps I can get the 
 truth out of them. 
 
 Jim (at door r.). Send Casey and Miss O'Rourke in, 
 Drake. (They enter.) Casey, your sister would like 
 to speak to you. 
 
 Maggie. Why, Mike ! I didn't know you were hand- 
 cuffed. Can't they be taken off, Jim? 
 
 Jim. I suppose so. I'll put you on your word, Casey. 
 
 (Removes handcuffs, Michael rubbing wrists.) 
 
 Maggie. Just leave me alone with them for a few 
 minutes, Jim. (Jim bows and exits R.) Now, Mike, 
 tell me all about it. 
 
 Michael. There's nothing to tell. 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 79 
 
 Maggie. Don't take that tone, Mike. For your own 
 sake, if you know anything about this diamond business, 
 teil it. 
 
 Eileen. I told Mr. Dougherty that I was the one he 
 was after. Why does he persist in holding Mr. Casey? 
 
 Michael. Eileen, I don't see why you do this for 
 
 me. You know I ( Catches himself as Eileen 
 
 turns and looks at him.) I — I don't like it, that's all. 
 
 EjLEEN. Neither do I, but Oh, why don't they 
 
 take me away and settle it? 
 
 {Walks to window, Michael down R., Maggie, l.) 
 
 Maggie (looks from one to the other). Come here, 
 you two. (They pay no attention fo her.) Come here. 
 (Pulls them down on couch l., Maggie sitting center.) 
 Now, I am sure that neither of you is in this smuggling 
 business. 
 
 Michael (rising). Don't get into this, Maggie. 
 
 Maggie (pidling him down). Sit still! I know you, 
 Mike, and I don't think you would do anything to dis- 
 grace the name of Casey. 
 
 Michael. A great name to be disgraced! Casey! 
 
 Maggie (indignantly). Of course it's a great name to 
 be disgraced. Why wouldn't it be ? It's a shame to dis- 
 grace any Irish name 
 
 (Shot heard outside window, with command "Stop, I 
 tell you! " All rush to window.) 
 
 Humpy (enters window grasping left shoulder with 
 right hand. Is holding hag of diamonds in left hand; 
 staggers toward table l. and falls; Maggie and Michael 
 help him to chair l. table, as George, Jim, Mary A. and 
 Anna rush on stage from r.) I guess he binged me, all 
 right, but I — I held on to the diamonds. 
 
 (Falls hack in chair.) 
 
 Michael. My God ! Linton ! You— you 
 
 Maggie. Some water, quick! The man's wounded. 
 
 [Mary A. exits l. 
 
8° TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Humpy I got the diamonds all right. I-I 
 
 Mary A. {enters with glass). Here, drink this. 
 
 (Humpy drinks water.) 
 
 /yoTrniYhi^rn ^i4°":£' 11^ -,-" 
 
 Th-afhur^^^' ^'"'' ^°"^' ^^^^ SS!) S^T 
 WWeTd— "' *' ^"'"°"'^^' ■"-. the diamonds! 
 ItfrS th-g ntrtS toSr.Smg .eVf S 
 
 hea'^dTshot.^^wTatf^p/'"" '" ^'''^-^^' ^'-)- I 
 
 ScB^- Cai'efuirtggi:.''^'^- t£-..«^...V.. 
 
 (rA^3; help Humpy upstairs.) 
 Jim (/>m/^ diamonds in pocket^ T Ti^vpn'f ^.^^^ 
 
 Mad'amT -^'v*'^ ^'^'"? ^^^^ ^^ O^^oX'^T.ll 
 Madam Bairski can wait in there. (Points r ) If vnn 
 
 o?,t-HT'^ '° f° °"'' A""ie' don't forge there's a m°n 
 
 pATRin^ Wiu , t, ^' 1 i -^ [£^//^ ttp-stairs. 
 
 iviiCHAEL. I— I can't tell you. I— I . 
 
 (Sits couch with head in hands.) 
 
 «"? ISVe^ffad^'d'T" """ ^''""'^ ''^ 
 
 old Daddy all about it ' ' ^°" ' ^'^' ^^-^- ™' y^-" 
 
 Michael. They just carried a dying man up-stairs. 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 8l 
 
 Dad, and he's a crook and a thief and one of the most 
 notorious men in New York, but he saved me from — 
 the — penitentiary. 
 
 Patrick {looking around room). ^ Hush! Lad! Ye 
 don't know what ye're sayin'. 
 
 Michael. It's true, Dad, it's true ! Oh, father, I've 
 been a rotter if ever there was one. I've had all the ad- 
 vantages you could give me and I have wasted them. 
 I've — I've 
 
 Patrick. There, there, lad, tell yer old Daddy all 
 about it. He'll stick by ye, no matter what ye've done. 
 
 Michael. I've been playing poker lately. Dad, and I 
 got into debt. I owed a lot of money and didn't know 
 how to pay it. I asked you to increase my allowance and 
 you wouldn't. It never occurred to me that I might go 
 out like a man and earn some money for myself. Then 
 I got this chance of disposing of these smuggled dia- 
 monds. 
 
 Patrick. But, Mike 
 
 Michael. Oh, I know it wasn't honest, but I had to 
 have money and I wasn't man enough to get it in an 
 honest way, so I went into this. Yesterday was .the third 
 time I had handled them and it was to be my last. I was 
 to get five hundred dollars for the job and that would 
 straighten me up. 
 
 Patrick. But why didn't ye explain to me, lad? 
 
 Michael. Because I was a fool, but I've had my les- 
 son to-night, Dad, and I'll remember it. You see I got 
 into a crowd that had more money to spend than I had, 
 and when I couldn't keep up with them they called me a 
 quitter and began to twit me about — well 
 
 Patrick. Yer dad being a hod-carrier in his young 
 days, I suppose. 
 
 Michael. That, and us being Irish, and our 
 name 
 
 Patrick. As though that was a disgrace. Now, I'm 
 not manin* to prache to ye, lad, but ye can be just as 
 proud of the name of Casey as ye can of yer Nevilles 
 and yer Byrons and yer Montmorencys. 'Tis a good 
 old-fashioned name. Ye'll find it in all walks of life. 
 
82 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 especially in places where men are doin' some good in 
 the world. Many a good policeman have I known be the 
 name of Casey. And again, lad, 'tis like old Bill Shake- 
 speare said, "A rose be anny other name would smell as 
 swate." So the good deeds of a Casey can shine just as 
 bright and make just as many people happy as those of 
 the King of England, bad cess to him ! Yer whole 
 trouble, as well as yer mother's and yer sister Kathleen's, 
 is that ye've been tryin' to fly a little higher than the good 
 Lord intended ye to, forgettin' the fact that society and 
 havin' yer name in the papers and runnin' around with 
 the smart set, don't do your soul anny good or make yer 
 conscience anny easier on ye when ye do wrong. 
 
 Michael. I know it. Dad, I know it ! 
 
 Patrick. Now there's Mary Anne. She's the one 
 woman I picked out of the whole world to be yer mother, 
 lad, and I think the world of her and what she's done in 
 it, for she was me friend and me standby when I needed 
 one bad. But she got the idea in her head lately that 
 because I started in life carryin' the hod, and was proud 
 of it, there was something wrong with me, something to 
 be ashamed of. She needed her lesson, and I think the 
 goin's on here this night will be one for her. It's the 
 same way with you, lad. You needed your lesson and ye 
 got it, and ye can get down on yer two knees the night 
 and thank the good God above ye that ye're not doin' yer 
 penance inside the walls of the jail instead of here beside 
 yer old Dad that loves ye. (Takes out handkerchief and 
 blows nose loudly, then wipes eyes.) There, be off with 
 ye ! But whist, lad. Before ye go, would ye be after 
 tellin' yer old Dad that ye love him, like ye used to when 
 ye was a little codger and I brought ye home some candy 
 of a night? Could ye, lad? 
 
 Michael. Don't, Dad, don't. You are making me 
 ashamed of myself. 
 
 Patrick. Faith and I'm not tryin' to, lad. I'm proud 
 of ye, although I haven't had the opportunity of sayin' 
 it to ye much lately. 
 
 Michael. Dad, you are one of the best men that ever 
 lived. I do love and honor you and I'm proud that you 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 83 
 
 are my father. And, Dad : Tm going to be proud of the 
 fact that I'm Irish and that my name's Casey. I'll never 
 be ashamed of that again. 
 
 Patrick {delighted). Would ye hear that now? 
 
 Michael. Linton took the blame of the whole thing 
 to-night and cleared me before Dougherty. Why I don't 
 know. 
 
 Patrick. Thank God he did ! It's over with, and ye 
 can begin all over again. {They shake hands.) 
 
 Kathleen {on stairway; very meekly). Dad! 
 Where's George? 
 
 Michael. He took the man who was shot up-stairs. 
 
 {Goes to window.) 
 
 Kathleen. Was that a shot? I heard it, but didn't 
 know what it was. Who was hurt? 
 
 Patrick. Don't ask anny questions. What are you 
 doin' up at this time of night? 
 
 Kathleen. I want to see George. You see. Daddy, 
 I was going to run aw^ay to-night and make a fool of 
 
 myself and Mr. Dougherty stopped me and^and 
 
 Oh, Daddy ! I'm going to be the best little girl to you 
 from now on and I want George. 
 
 George {enters hurriedly from stairs). Where's that 
 Bairski woman? She's wanted. 
 
 Kathleen {running to him). George dear, I want to 
 tell you 
 
 George. I haven't time now. Where's Madam Bair- 
 ski? 
 
 Michael {points r.). She's in there. 
 
 George {at door r.). Madam Bairski! You are 
 wanted up-stairs at once. Please hurry. 
 
 {She enters and exits stairs with George.) 
 
 Kathleen. Well, the idea ! I wanted to talk to him 
 and he never even looked at me. 
 
 Michael. There are more important things going on 
 here to-night, Kathleen, than patching up lover's quarrels. 
 
 Kathleen. Indeed ! 
 
84 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Patrick. Here, here, here ! Come here, the two of 
 ye. 'Tis a good chance I have. There's a secret I want 
 to be tehin' ye, now that Mike has come to his senses. 
 
 Kathleen. What is it? 
 
 Patrick. 'Tis a great secret ! {Looks around stage.) 
 I was after expectin' ye would have found it out before 
 this, but ye didn't. 
 
 Michael. Perhaps you had better get it off your 
 mind, Dad. 
 
 Patrick. 'Tis about Eileen. 
 
 Kathleen. Eileen ! 
 
 Michael. Eileen! What about her? 
 
 Patrick. Whose daughter would ye be after thinkin* 
 she is? 
 
 Kathleen. Why, her father's and mother's, of 
 course. 
 
 Patrick {indignantly). 'Tis a wonderful mind ye 
 have, me dear, a wonderful mind. As though anny fool 
 wouldn't know that. Her father's and mother's ! 
 
 Kathleen. Well, what do you mean ? What are you 
 talking about ? 
 
 Patrick. Ye've often heard me tell about me friend 
 O'Malley as lives in Californy, haven't ye? 
 
 Michael. Quite frequently. 
 
 Patrick {to Michael). And of how I would like to 
 see ye married to his daughter? 
 
 Michael. Yes, I have. But what has that to do 
 with Eileen? 
 
 Patrick. Eileen is the daughter of me friend O'Mal- 
 ley! {Looks from one to the other in triumph.) 
 
 Kathleen. What ! Eileen, our servant, the daughter 
 of your friend O'Malley? 
 
 Michael. The daughter of O'Malley? But why has 
 
 she — what has she {Grabs father by the arm.) 
 
 Come here and sit down and tell me all about it. Every 
 bit of it. {They sit couch, Patrick in middle.) 
 
 Kathleen. The idea ! Don't miss a word ! 
 
 Patrick. Well, 'twas this way, Mike. When ye were 
 at yer worst runnin' around to these pink teas and playin' 
 poker and the Lord knows what else, I wrote and asked 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 85 
 
 me old friend O'Malley's advice about what to do with 
 ye. He said to have ye get married. I said all right, but 
 where's the girl that I can find for him that has as much 
 sense as he has, and the Lord knows ye hadn't much in 
 them days, Mike. 
 
 Michael. Thanks. 
 
 Patrick. Ye're welcome. So O'Malley says how 
 about me daughter Eileen. She's good lookin', sensible, 
 knows how to play the pianny and 
 
 Kathleen. Get to the point, father ! 
 
 Patrick. I am, if ye'U give me time. So the only 
 question was to have ye meet her, for yer mother had 
 got her head full of a bunch of ideas that the O'Malleys 
 wasn't good enough for the Caseys. So I invites Eileen 
 for a visit without Mary Anne knowin' annything about 
 it. Well, she landed here on a day ye were all out and 
 on this same day yer mother had sent to the employment 
 office for a new maid, and the maid got here the same 
 time as Eileen and I took Eileen for the maid. She took 
 it as a joke and then got a great idea, that I let her come 
 on as the maid and get acquainted with the family. So 
 I give the real maid twenty-five dollars and -let her go 
 and 
 
 Michael (rising). She has been working here for us 
 as maid ever since. A girl that is a graduate of Vassar 
 and — why, Dad, if it hadn't been for her I would be — 
 I want to see her alone. (Shoves them toward c. d.) 
 - Patrick. But just a minute, Mike. 
 
 Michael (shoves them out CD.). Go on! You can 
 tell me about it later. (Goes to door r. and calls.) 
 Eileen! (Eileen enters.) Eileen, I want to thank you 
 for your kindness to me to-night. What was your reason 
 for helping me as you did ? 
 
 Eileen. For your father's sake, Mr. Casey, and — and 
 — oh, it was nothing, Mr. Casey, nothing at all. 
 
 Michael. It was a whole lot to me, Eileen. Only 
 for you and your kindness to me I would now be in 
 Central Station. 
 
 Eileen. Don't, Mr. Casey! 
 
 Michael. Why did you do it, Eileen? 
 
86 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Eileen (hesitates a moment). I must go, Mr. Casey. 
 (Starts R.) 
 
 Michael (holding her). Did you do it because — well 
 
 • — because Eileen, Dad told me who you are. I've 
 
 been a fool and the next thing to a thief. Only for your 
 help and the generosity of that man up-stairs I would be 
 in jail. Eileen, I've had my lesson, one that I'll never 
 forget. I have found out that it doesn't take money and 
 position to make a real friend and — Eileen, do you think 
 you could ever learn to care for me? 
 
 Eileen. No, Mr. Casey, I don't think I ever could. 
 
 Michael. Why couldn't you? 
 
 Eileen. I don't think I could ever learn, Michael, be- 
 cause I do already. 
 
 Mary A. (enters from stairs). Oh, Michael, Michael, 
 such goings on in this house to-night ! Maggie's up- 
 stairs waiting on that thief hand and foot as though he 
 was somebody, and when I told her she shouldn't do it 
 she said he was a human being and that he should have 
 attention while he was under this roof whether he was a 
 thief or not. 
 
 Michael. Maggie is right, mother. 
 
 Mary A. What! (Notices Eileen.) Leave the 
 room, Eileen ! 
 
 Michael. Just a moment, mother. Eileen and I are 
 going to be married. 
 
 Mary A. (screaming). What! Going to be married ! 
 Are you crazy? Have you lost your wits? You, marry 
 a servant girl? Oh, this is too much, too much! I am 
 going to faint, I know I am going to faint. Catch me, 
 Michael, catch me! (Staggers.) 
 
 Michael. If you faint, mother, you can catch your- 
 self. I'm not going to do it. 
 
 Mary A. What! Oh, such a way to talk to your 
 mother. (To Eileen.) It's all your fault. I knew as 
 soon as you came into the house no good would come of 
 it. Thank God ! Patrick hired you, not me. 
 
 Michael. Listen a moment, mother. Eileen Is not 
 the girl you think she is. She is really Eileen O'Malley. 
 
TURNING THE TRICK. 87 
 
 Mary A. Not Eileen O'Malley, the daughter of Tim 
 O'Malley of San Francisco? 
 
 Michael. The same. 
 
 Mary A. (smiling). Why — why — he's worth a milUon 
 if he's worth a cent, but I don't care, 1 don't want you to 
 m:irry any of the low Irish. You might even marry into 
 the peerage. 
 
 Michael. Now, look here, mother. I have had my 
 lesson to-night and I think from what you have seen you 
 should have had yours. I shall marry Eileen and no 
 other, if she will have me. I have loved her for the last 
 three months but was too much of a snob to admit it, 
 even to myself. I couldn't think of marrying a servant. 
 
 Mary A. A servant! That's just it. What will our 
 friends say? Why did you do a thing like this? 
 
 (Goes L.) 
 
 Eileen {following). I'll be glad to tell you all about 
 it, Mrs. Casey, if you will give me the opportunity. 
 
 Anna {enters from stairs, staggering. Michael goes 
 to her). Send them away. I want to speak to you a 
 moment. 
 
 Michael. Eileen, will you take mother into the music 
 room for a moment ? I want to speak to Madam Bairski, 
 alone. {Very low.) Trust me and go, please. 
 
 Mary A. But Michael, why should you stay here with 
 that 
 
 Eileen. If you will come with me, Mrs. Casey, I'll 
 tell you all about how I came to be here. 
 
 Mary A. Oh, yes, yes ! I want to know all about 
 that. I've heard Patrick say your father is a great rail- 
 road man in the west, and that he's worth at least a mil- 
 lion. [They exit L. 
 
 Anna {sitting l. of table). He's dead. 
 
 Michael. My God! 
 
 {Turns and walks toward window.) 
 
 Anna. He was my husband and I didn't know him 
 until he told me who he was. {Slowly.) I didn't know 
 him! 
 
88 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Michael. Your husband! What are you saying? 
 
 Anna. Yes, my husband! We were married about 
 ten years ago in Chicago, but I was a httle fool. All I 
 thought about was having a good time. He was for a 
 home and children and — well, things didn't go good and 
 I left him. Ran off with a thief and a confidence man 
 and have been drifting from bad to worse ever since. 
 Linton just told me that it was me going away that made 
 him what he was. 
 
 Michael. I'm sorry. 
 
 Anna. He said to tell you this should be a lesson to 
 you. That you have a good father. To remember that 
 and if you are tempted to anything like this again, just 
 think of Jack Linton. 
 
 Michael. I will, I will ! God knows I have learned 
 my lesson. 
 
 Anna. He's taken the blame for everything. Told 
 Dougherty he was the man who had disappeared in front 
 of the house when the bulls were after him and that yes- 
 terday when he entered he was mistaken for the new 
 janitor, so stayed on, biding his time to get out, and — 
 and — you know the rest. 
 
 Michael. Is — is there anything I can do ? 
 
 Anna (rising). No. Dougheity's arranged every- 
 thing. They haven't got anything on me, so I guess I 
 can go. 
 
 Enter Patrick l. 
 
 Patrick. Oh, ho ! So there ye are. So ye're a 
 Roosian, are ye, Slippery Anne ? Huh ! A-rushin' from 
 one jail to another, I suppose. (Points.) Well, there's 
 the dure. Jest rush out of that as fast as yer legs can 
 carry ye. 
 
 Michael. Don't, Dad ! The man who was shot has 
 died. He was her husband. 
 
 Patrick. Go on wid ye, Mike ! Is that a fact ? And 
 me a-talkin' to ye like the baste that I am. Sit down 
 and take off yer coat. Ye can wait until morning, anny- 
 way. (Anna sits l. of table, bows head and sobs.) 
 There, there, me dear. Don't ye pay anny attention to 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 89 
 
 me at all, at all. Sure nobody around the house does, 
 do they, Mike? 
 
 Michael. Well, I guess they haven't in the past. Dad. 
 
 Patrick. See there, now? So dry yer eyes, there's 
 a good girl. 
 
 Jim (enters from stairs, followed by Maggie; to 
 Michael). I'm mighty sorry, Casey, that I humiliated 
 you in the manner in which I did. Linton's confessed 
 the whole thing. It's going to be quite a feather in my 
 cap to have caught him. I beg your pardon and trust 
 you'll forgive me. (Reaches hand to Michael.) 
 
 Michael (shaking hands). That's all right, Dough- 
 erty. I— I don't blame you at all. 
 
 Patrick. Maggie, darlint ! Would ye be after takin' 
 this poor girl up-stairs and puttin' her to bed ? Make her 
 as comfortable as ye can. She'll be lavin' us i-n the 
 mornin'. 
 
 Jim. Do you forget who she is, Mr. Casey? I have 
 nothing on her this time and will have to leave her go, 
 but it's a good thing to remember her past record. 
 
 Patrick. 'Tis a poor world if we can't help those as 
 needs it, Jim, and, this poor girl needs it now, I'm after 
 thinkin'. (Takes out pocketbook.) Here, lassie, I don't 
 know how ye are ofif for money, or annything about ye 
 for that matter, but a few extra dollars when ye're in 
 trouble won't be after comin' amiss. 
 
 (Hands her money and lays pocketbook on table.) 
 
 Anna. I— I (Takes money.) Mr. Casey, you 
 
 are a gentleman. Whether what has happened here to- 
 night will be a lesson to me or not I can't say, but I 
 promise you I'll never forget your kindness. 
 
 Patrick. There, there, run along wid ye. Make her 
 right at home, Maggie. She's in trouble. 
 
 Maggie. I'll attend to her. Daddy. (To Anna.) 
 Come with me. (As Maggie passes Jim als'o speaks to 
 him.) Come around to-morrow, Jim, and we'll really 
 get acquainted. 
 
 Jim. Good-night, dear. (Anna and Maggie exit 
 stairs.) And now, Mr. Casey, as I have the diamonds 
 
90 
 
 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 and the man I was after is dead, I think I will go. I'll 
 have to get rid of the men outside and turn in my report. 
 I'll also send the wagon around for — that up-stairs. 
 
 Patrick. I suppose ye'd better. Good-night to ye, 
 lad. {Shakes hands with Jim, who exits c. d. Looks at 
 zvatch.) Glory be to God, if it ain't one o'clock. We'll 
 rout out Mary Anne and Eileen and have a cup of coffee 
 and then I think we'll all be trottin' off to bed. 
 
 Michael. I wonder how Eileen and mother made 
 out. 
 
 Patrick. Don't ye worry none about that lass, me 
 boy. She's a wonder. [They exit r. 
 
 George (enters stairs, looks around stage and then 
 calls softly). Kathleen! 
 
 Kathleen (enters c. d.). Oh, George, I've been wait- 
 ing in the hall for you. George dear, I've been a nasty, 
 mean, contemptible, stuck-up, ill-tempered, bad girl, and 
 I pretty near got into an awful predicament on account of 
 it, and only for that Mr. Dougherty I would, and I want 
 you to forgive me, and — and marrv me right away quick. 
 Will you? 
 
 George. Will I ! You just give me a chance. 
 
 (Bends head to kiss her just as Michael puts head 
 in door l. and calls.) 
 
 Michael. Say! Do you know it's after one o'clock? 
 Quit your spooning, put out the light and come on in and 
 have a cup of coffee. [Exits. 
 
 George (as he puts out light). We'll talk it over the 
 first thing in the morning. 
 
 Kathleen. Yes, George dear. 
 
 (They exit r. ; stage dark for a moment then Anna and 
 Humpy appear stairs. Have flashlight which they 
 use coming down-stairs. Pause a moment at foot 
 of stairs. Humpy goes door l. and peers into room 
 then comes back c.) 
 
 Anna (going window). Let's get out quick while the 
 gettin's good. If we're caught we're goners. 
 
 Humpy (grabbing her). No, you fool! Wait until 
 
TURNING THE TRICK. 9I 
 
 we're sure Dougherty's took the guard away. {At 
 window.) There's the man at the gate now. 
 
 Anna {goes c, followed by Humpy). Why did you 
 pull this stunt off ? Why did you have me tell that fairy 
 tale about you being my husband? What's the idea? 
 They've got the diamonds. What are you making out 
 of it? Why didn't you let Dougherty take the kid when 
 he was going to ? Why did you take the blame ? 
 
 Humpy. For one thing he's young yet and I don't 
 want him to get into the kind of a life we're leadin', 
 Anne. 
 
 •Anna. For God's sake! You ain't turning sancti- 
 monious, are you? 
 
 Humpy. And then his old man's square, Anne. You 
 know that, and maybe I was a little bit of a fool into 
 the bargain. Anyway I done it and I ain't sorry I did. 
 As for the diamonds, don't be too sure about them havin' 
 them. How about these ? 
 
 {Puts hand in pocket and seemingly takes diamonds 
 from pocket, flashing light on them.) 
 
 Anna. The sparklers ! Let me feel 'em. .How many 
 are there? How did you get 'em? I saw you throw 
 them on the table. 
 
 Humpy. You saw me throw the bag with a bunch of 
 little stones in it on the table. 
 
 Anna. But the diamonds. 
 
 Humpy. Well, while I was waitin' for you I saw the 
 maid come in and take them from where young Casey had 
 hid them. 
 
 Anna. Where were they? 
 
 Humpy. In a bag tacked to the underside of the 
 table there. {Points.) When the girl found she was 
 caught she dropped 'em into the dress box but I was 
 right outside the window and grabbed 'em. I put the 
 diamonds in my pocket and filled the bag with jpebbles 
 from the walk. That's what the " Dick " took away with 
 him. 
 
 Anna. Good enough for him. Fd like to see him 
 when he opais that bag. I owe him one anyway. 
 
92 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Humpy. I was a little leary about havin' that guy 
 shoot at me, but he just nipped my coat. Then I pulled 
 off the dyin' stunt and he got his diamonds, so I knew I'd 
 have nothin' more to look out for from Dougherty. 
 
 Anna. But what was the idea of me teUing them you 
 was my husband ? 
 
 Humpy. Well, we'd settled for the detectives, but we 
 still had the family to consider. They're in there now 
 I'll bet, talking about the tragedy. That leaves us a clear 
 road for beatin' it as soon as Dougherty pulls his man 
 away from the gate. (Goes to window and looks out.) 
 You'd probably 'a' pulled this off if you hadn't been 
 buckin' yours truly. How would you like to work with 
 me after this? {Returns c.) 
 
 Anna. If Frank had only sent Jimmy Smith or 
 Young Wallace I coidd have made it. 
 
 Humpy. Frank knows which side of his bread has 
 the jam on. He's not buckin' Jack Linton yet. He's 
 wise to what's goin' on around this old burg and as soon 
 as you bucked in on it he give me the tip, so I was all 
 prepared for you. But you worked a good scheme, old 
 girl. That bolsheviki's new stuff all right. Now how 
 about my proposition ? 
 
 Anna [walks to windozv and then returns c. to 
 Humpy). It's a go. Now let's get out before someone 
 catches us. 
 
 Humpy {at window). I guess things ought to be safe. 
 Yes, the man at the gate's gone. We'll chance it. But 
 let's see if there's anything else worth takin'. We don't 
 want to miss anything. {Goes to table and finds pocket- 
 hook.) Apocketbook! Filled too. Pretty soft! I guess 
 there ain't much else we can get our mitts on. {Starts 
 toward window and stumbles over Kathleen's grip.) 
 What's this? 
 
 Anna. That little fool's satchel. And she has all her 
 jewelry in it. Talk about luck ! {Takes satchel.) 
 
 Humpy. All right, come on. {Stumbles over dress 
 box.) Sufferin' cats! We'll have the whole bunch on 
 us in a minute. 
 
 Anna. That's the Frenchman's dresses. Take them 
 
TURNING THE TRICK. 
 
 93 
 
 too. rU need some new dresses, and it ain't often I get 
 a chance to wear a De Lovier. 
 
 Humpy. A De Lovier? Huh! You won't have 
 nothin' on me. I gyped his whole outfit before I came 
 down. Coat, pants, the whole shebang, gold watch and 
 some coin included. (Plays flashlight over his clothes.) 
 Pretty nifty, ain't they? 
 
 Anna (looking him over). I'll say so. 
 
 Humpy. Come on, now, let's get out. We'll be cartin' 
 off the parlor piano next. {Picks up dress boxes and 
 stands in window a moment, looking r.) Come on. 
 Everything's O. K. [Exits window. 
 
 Anna (stands in window a moment, turns and looks 
 toward door l.). Good-night, Paddy Casey. You're the 
 only sport in the whole layout. [Exits window. 
 
 Patrick (enters l., searching pockets. Is followed 
 by Mary A., Michael, Eileen, George and Katee- 
 leen). No, I didn't lose it, for I know I had it not 
 more than ten minutes ago. I gave that girl fifty dollars 
 out of it. Now, where could I have put it? 
 
 Mary A. You can never remember where you put a 
 thing ; you are always losing something. 
 
 Michael. Are you sure you didn't lay it down some 
 place ? 
 
 Patrick. No, I put it right back in me pocket. 
 (Searches.) No, I didn't do annything of the sort. I 
 laid it on the table there. Faith and I remember now. 
 (Goes to table and turns on light; hunts over table for 
 pocketbook.) That's queer! Em sure I put it here. 
 
 (All go toward table.) 
 
 Maggie (enters stairs, dressed in nightgown, hair 
 down back, etc. Is much excited). Daddy! The dead 
 man's gone ! 
 
 All. What ! 
 
 Maggie. He's gone, I tell you ! I went to my room 
 to put on my nightgown before going to bed and then I 
 thought I would have a last look to see if that woman 
 was all right. She wasn't in her room and I thought she 
 had gone in to see the dead man. I went in to where he 
 was and he was gone. 
 
94 
 
 TURNING THE TRICK 
 
 Patrick (looks from one to the other, smiling). Faith 
 and they're not the only thing that's gone. Me pocket- 
 book with about hve hundred dollars in it is gone, too. 
 
 Arm AND {enters stairs wrapped in bed spread). Rob- 
 bairs ! Robbairs ! Robbairs ! I have been — what you 
 call heem ? Swiped ! 
 
 Mary A. You have been what? 
 
 Armand. Swiped! Robbed! Stealed! Zat is what. 
 Somebody she steal my coat, she steal my pants, she 
 steal my chapeau, she steal everysing I have but — what 
 you call heem? My — my — ABC's. Ah! To sink zat I, 
 ze great Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier, should 
 have to wear ze bed spread before ze ladees. Eet ees 
 terrible ! When I shall get out of zis house I shall nevair, 
 nevair enter heem again. I De Lovier have said so. 
 
 Patrick. I garry ! That's one consolation we've got 
 out of the bust-up. Now rtm along back to bed and we'll 
 send for a suit for ye the first thing in the morning. 
 
 (Kathleen goes to where Jim placed her bag.) 
 
 Armand. Oh, that I should such indignanties have to 
 
 endure. I, ze great Armand Francois 
 
 [^Exits stairs talking. 
 
 Patrick. And now 
 
 Kathleen. Father ! My bag ! I saw Mr. Dougherty 
 put it here. It's gone and all my jewels were in it. 
 
 Mary A. (looking for dress boxes). And the beauti- 
 ful dresses that Mons. De Lovier brought us! They're 
 gone too. We've been taken in in fine style. We must 
 call the police. (Starts toward 'phone.) 
 
 Patrick (stopping her). No, my dear; we won't do 
 that. Let them go in peace. They're welcome to all 
 they've got. They've done us a good turn the night. 
 Ain't they, Mike? 
 
 Michael. Fll never forget them, Dad. 
 
 Patrick. We've lost nothing that can't be replaced. 
 What's a pocketbook, a few jewels, or some dresses to a 
 man's honor? (Looks at Michael.) Me boy's come 
 into himself this night. Thank God ! and they were in- 
 strumental in helpin' him find himself. Fll make good all 
 
TURNING THE TRICK 95 
 
 ye've lost, so fair weather to their heels. And now, be 
 off to bed with ye ! The whole bunch of ye ! I garry, 
 it must be one-thirty. 
 
 (All start for stairway except Mary A.) 
 
 All. Good-night, etc. 
 
 Michael {goes to foot of stairs, turns and looks at 
 father. Goes back to him, looks him in the eyes and 
 extends^ hand) . Good-night, father! 
 
 (They shake hands heartily.) 
 
 Patrick. Good-night, son! 
 Michael. Good-night, mother. 
 
 (Kisses her on cheek and exits stairs.) 
 
 Patrick. Ain't he the grand lad ? And hasn't every- 
 thing turned out just elegant? Faith and I tried a little 
 bit of Irish on ye and with the help and grace of God 
 and the assistance of a couple of crooks it worked, didn't 
 it, Mary Anne? (Catches himself,) I — I mane Marie 
 Annette. 
 
 Mary A. Go along with ye, Paddy Casey. My- name's 
 Mary Anne and I don't give a hoother who knows it. 
 Would you be after enjoying some corn beef and cabbage 
 for supper to-morrow night, Paddy darling? 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
Plays for Junior High Schools 
 
 Sally Lunn 
 
 Mr. Bob 
 
 Tbe Man from Braadofl 
 
 A Box of Monkeys 
 
 A Rice Pudding 
 
 Class Day 
 
 Chums 
 
 An Easy Mark 
 
 Pa's New Housekeeper 
 
 Not On the Program 
 
 The Cool Collegians 
 
 The Elopement of Ellen 
 
 Tommy's Wife 
 
 Johnny's New Suit 
 
 Thirty Minutes for Refreshments 
 
 West of Omaha 
 
 The Flying Wedge 
 
 My Brother's Keeper 
 
 The. Private Tutor 
 
 Me an' Otis 
 
 Up to Freddie 
 
 My Cousin Timmy 
 
 Aunt Abigail and the Boys 
 
 Caught Out 
 
 Constantine Pueblo Jones 
 
 The Cricket On the Hearth 
 
 The Deacon's Second Wife 
 
 Five Feet of Love 
 
 The Hurdy Gurdy Girl 
 
 Camp Fidelity Girls 
 
 Carroty Nell 
 
 A Case for Sherlock Holmes 
 
 The Clancey Kids 
 
 The Happy Day 
 
 I Grant You Three Wishes 
 
 Just a Little Mistake 
 
 The Land of Night 
 
 Local and Long Distance 
 
 The Original Two Bits 
 
 An Outsider 
 
 Oysters 
 
 A Pan of Fudge 
 
 A Peck of Trouble 
 
 A Precious Pickle 
 
 The First National Boot 
 
 His Father's Son 
 
 The Turn In the Road 
 
 A Half Back's Interference 
 
 The Revolving Wedge 
 
 Mose 
 
 BAKER, Hamilton 
 
 MaUs 
 
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 Place, Boston, 
 
 Mass* 
 
 
 A- 
 
t^ :Ar -1^ Ofc^^Jj^^ifc^-Jl^^l^. J^^^^J^^^^tU,^ 
 
 LIBRARY OF CONG 
 
 !!l!!!!!ll!ll!lllllll!lllllllllll!!lll 
 
 015 926 617 
 
 RESS 
 
 II nil II 
 
 y Plavs and Novelties Thaf Ma 
 
 II ill 
 
 ' 5 
 
 Jb X Id y O «I1U XH «^ V v«l LlViiO 
 
 Males 
 
 Femal 
 
 e, rime 
 
 Price Royalty 
 
 3 Camp Fidelity Girls 
 
 
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 35c 
 
 None 
 
 S Anita's Trial 
 
 
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 M The Farmerette 
 
 
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 jj Behind the Scenes 
 
 
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 ^ The Camp Fire Girls 
 
 
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 M A Case for Sherlock Holmes 
 
 
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 J The House in Laurel Lane 
 
 
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 S Her First Assignment 
 
 
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 M 1 Grant You Three Wishes 
 
 
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 2 Joint Owners in Spain 
 
 
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 K Marrying Money 
 
 
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 M The Original Two Bits 
 
 
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 J The Over-Alls Club 
 
 
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 S Leave it to Polly 
 
 
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 M The Rev. Peter Brice, Bachelor 
 
 
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 2 Mfss Fearless & Co. 
 
 
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 % A Modern Cinderella 
 
 
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 M Theodore, Jr. 
 
 
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 2 Rebecca's Triumph 
 
 
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 H Aboard a Slow Train In Mizzoury 
 
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 M Twelve Old Maids 
 
 
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 2 An Awkward Squad 
 
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 1| The Blow Up of Algernon Blow 
 
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 1j The Man With the Nose 
 
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 J The People's Money 
 
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 y A Regular Rah ! Rah ! Boy 
 
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 M A Regular Scream 
 
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 ^ The Scoutmaster 
 
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 M The Tramps' Convention 
 
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 2 The Turn in the Road 
 
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 Ik Wanted— a Pitcher 
 
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 d What They Did for Jenkins 
 
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 2 Aunt Jerusha's Quilting Party 
 
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 S The District School at Blueberry 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 J Corners 
 
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 J The Emigrants' Party 
 
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 ^ Miss Prim's Kindergarten 
 
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 2 The Revel of the Year 
 
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 ^ Scenes in the Union Depot 
 
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 J Taking the Census In Bingville 
 
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 2 The Village Post-Office 
 
 3 O'Keefe's Circuit 
 
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 2 BAKER, Hamilton Place, 
 
 » Boston, 
 
 Mass. 
 
 r^pr-^ 
 
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 1811C65