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I Gamble s Va udeville Journal I 
 
 £ A BOOK OF CLEVER VAUDEVILLE MATERIAL | 
 
 ft Sketches, Acts, Monologues and Parodies § 
 
 f . * 
 
 ft Written by E. L. Gamble ^ 
 
 I i 
 
 "^^ 
 
 PRICE 50 CENTS 
 
 Copyright 1911 by E. L. Gamble 
 
 V THE STAGE PUB. CO, •:< I AST LITERPOOL, C. * 
 
 1 5^:2^.2^3*»5-3*!5i^S^5*3*S*3^a^l3*5*S«:3^l5«'3*!5*5* St-frSteS'fce) 
 
gown — low 
 
 •■A DETECTIVE STORY.'' 
 
 Exclusive Comedy Sketch. Written by 
 Edward L. Gamble. 
 Full stage -Parlor settings. Bosk It. J. 
 
 • 'AST 
 
 Jimmy Reyaiolds A Detecei^e 
 
 Miss Gale .a < :iever Giil 
 
 Costume -Jimmy Reynolds — Loud check 
 suit—tan shoes with spats — green slouch 
 hat— gloves ami can. Pocket dark lan- 
 tern. 
 
 -Miss Gal€ — Dark ev. 
 '•in. etc. 
 
 Curtain- Darkened stage. Jimmy Rey- 
 nolds found at <•. L>. with lighted dark 
 lantern in hand. Bus of crossing ovei 
 to i: in examine locked disk — thru doss- 
 es to R. to examine all furniture, etc., 
 with dark lantern.) 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — (As lights are tui n 
 ■-(I mi) — "1 guess I'm in tut- rignl place 
 all right, fur I havent discovered that 
 I'm not. This sleuth job suits yours 
 truly from the top floor down. I'm now 
 em a clue that can't go astray so its up 
 to me." 
 
 Enters .Miss Gale C. D.,— "What on 
 earth are you doing here .sir?" 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of giving jump 
 and turning quickly upon tier) — "t-er- 
 have business here.' I Bus. oi concealing 
 ' et lantern.) 
 
 Miss Gale — "J hank you for not troub- 
 ling us. Some men are so much nun 
 considerate than others." (Bus. of 
 ing up towards him.) 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of taking off 
 hat and bowing) — "You see maaam thai 
 l have the pleasure ot being the asses- 
 sor." 
 
 -Miss ( iale i Bus. of clasping hand i 
 
 "Oh. how glad papa, would be to see you 
 As he is not in — " 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds -"It doesn't matter in 
 tlie least. ion can give me alt tne in- 
 formation ! am after." 
 
 Miss Gale — "I thought perhaps you 
 one of the robbeis wno ar>3 now 
 infesting the city." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of back-step- 
 ping as he lakes out note-booki — "JNOW 
 what is your piano worth— my young 
 lady'/' 
 
 Miss Gale — "Nothing at all sir — noth-* 
 ing at all." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds -(Bus, of dropping 
 canne, and hat) — "What's u i;i>. I dident 
 1 came her- from a bug-house." 
 
 Miss Gale— (Bus. of shaking her finger 
 in his face)— "Remember young man mat 
 you are asking these questions and 1 
 am answering them. I have always said 
 that i would make a good business wo- 
 man — and here's the chance to up and 
 prove it to dad." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of backing 
 away from hen — "Just as you say — but 
 you needent take my head oft' abou. it." 
 
 Miss Gale — (Bus. of tucking up his 
 things to hand him cane and throw hat 
 upon chair) — "You may now put down 
 the chairs, tames and other such furni- 
 ture at fifteen dollars and feel mighty 
 glad that i allowed you that much. Be- 
 ing as you are ;l nice man I will now be 
 more liberal." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — "And-er-how many 
 is there in the family and how much 
 are they worth each." 
 
 Miss Gale — "Just you wait until I ca.1! 
 till father, for I'm not not a going to 
 Stay here with no escaped Lunatic." 
 (Bus. "f cross over to telephone L. I.) 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds— (Bus. of following 
 her) — "Oh I say — I must have my little 
 joke you know. I'm sane enough to 
 stay out of a limy joint for a million 
 years." 
 
 Miss (Iale (Bus. of turning upon him) 
 
 "Then reduce that furniture ave dol- 
 lars and I won't call him up. My *-**■« 
 is both a strong and dangeri 
 when aroused." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds -"I shall 
 give you a discounl off th 
 
 to me. The next 
 be cnaigcd up with 
 so wno will ne tile 
 
 ii wi TMP92-009277 
 
 for your Kindness 
 house 1 go to can 
 in diffei ence and 
 wiser? 
 
 Miss Gale — "Do you know that I am 
 fi'igntened to death any more over the 
 reports of this jewelry stealing that has 
 been going on m this neign^ornood. i 
 have a swell collection of diamonds and I 
 would, nt have them taken lor worlds." 
 
 Jimimi Reynolds— (Bus. of ^dropping 
 cane) — "Say, diamonds are my hooDy 
 and I'd like to take a peep a t your, if 
 J i hi don't mind." 
 
 Miss Gale— (Bus. of throwing up hands) 
 "Oh there I've done it. ^ ou see there 
 is only a few common stones i.iat you 
 can put down at twenty five. 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus of making 
 note) — " Twenty five hundred, a., right. 
 But if you'll dazzle my eyes with those 
 stones once I may give you a bargain 
 price on the lot."' 
 
 Miss Gale — (Bus. of stamping foot)— 
 "You can't treat me i.Ke a millionaire 
 sir. for I won't have such nonsense. Be- 
 ing as you are SO anxious to see my jewel 
 ry I'll keep them locked up in tneir 
 
 stanie." 
 
 ( Tr-lep.ione bell rings.) 
 
 Miss Gale — -(Bus. of answering) — "Hel- 
 lo, is that you dad. What's that. You 
 don't mean it now. uh yes 111 know 
 him all right. Me forgot to slop and see 
 Jennie. ill know him dad never fear. 
 All right dad.. I'll watch out for tile 
 ti iek< of cousin Jack, for .. s here now. 
 • i bye." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — Bus. of turning a- 
 round several times; — "I must be leav- 
 ing — what's that, he's here now." 
 
 .Miss (lab — i Bus of throwing her arms 
 around his neck to kiss him) — "Oh you 
 big tense cousin Jack. i on will fool 
 I lessie < iale my assessor.' 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds— "Oh, this is so sud- 
 den." — (BUS. of returning' affection.) 
 
 Miss Gale — (Bus. of Holding him off 
 at arms length) — "Though 1 havent seen 
 you Jack since you wera a little boy — 
 and 1 was a littlier girl — I should have 
 known yi iu anyw 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — "Bid you see me 
 when I was a little boy?' 
 
 Miss (Iale (Bus. of shaking him) — 
 "Now stupid none of your practical pokes 
 which dad says are so fond of. Now 
 how are nil the folks down in old Bos- 
 ton V" 
 
 Jimmy R lynolds- -Jtms. of turning 
 around twice) — "Oh they have all bean 
 so well that none of the doctors will 
 now speak of them." 
 
 Miss" Gale — "And when is Marj going 
 to marry Harry?" 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — "As soon as the min 
 ister pronounces them man and wife." 
 
 \M/s Gale — (Bus. of stamping foot) — "If 
 \ f "havent any brains Jack why don't 
 you go to the butchers and order some?" 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of taking up 
 cane to lean on it) — "If I di<a they 
 would only worry .me by rattling so. If 
 there is any other service miss, that 
 the information bur an can render you 
 please go to the other window." 
 
 Miss Gab — (Bus. of clapping hands) — 
 "Oh I just happened to think Jack of 
 a nice joke I'm playing on you. My 
 girl chum Ma.be! is just crazy over you 
 now and your a going to propose to her 
 before you 1 ave town." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of cane slip- 
 ping and letting him fall upon stage) — ■ 
 "Set 'em up in the other alley." 
 
 Miss Gale — (Bus of laughing) — "There 
 no use of your trying to slip away from 
 me like that. I've told Mabel about you 
 so much b.at she simply fell in love 
 with you — though you did refuse to send 
 Q set her wild wicu." 
 
 \s — (Bus of getting up)— 
 me any wrong so why 
 pvild? i mi seem as fond 
 
 : ©CI.A304885 *K*f 
 
of playing practical yokes on -innocent 
 people as your cousin jacK is. 
 
 Miss wale — vrsus. of clasping nands)— 
 "She s a perfect dream JacK— with ner 
 goiden tresses, blue eyes and mlassic 
 
 laee. . ' 
 
 jimmy Reynolds — (Bus of mocking lien 
 "And I'm a perfect dream of a nightmare. 
 
 B-sides I'm engaged fo another dream." 
 Miss Gale— (Jtsus of tnrowing oul nands) 
 "Whats mat! Why you wiole me you 
 had no girl, .so you Had better waKe up 
 at once tiom that otner dream. 
 
 Jimmy Keynoids "My letters are my 
 practical joK.es. This girl mat I now 
 love is — " 
 
 Miss Gale— (Bus. of clapping her hands 
 in his face as h- hacks up co trip over 
 cane and nearly fall to let cane ^rop.— 
 "Book here Jack Severs— yon cant go 
 against my plans for one minute.'' 
 
 Jimmy Keynoids — (Bus of falling into 
 chair) — "If Mabel is as spirited as he* 
 chum then its poor John lor yours truly ' 
 
 Miss Gale — "Here 1 had it all planned 
 out so you needen't try to spo.. it all 
 young man I can assure you." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — "i suppose you even 
 had the day set for the weuuing and 
 was selping Mabel to select her trous- 
 seau." 
 
 M.ss Gale — -(Bus. of taking up cane to 
 swiss carpet with it) — "I could just cry 
 for disappointment you mean tlimg. But 
 there you shant spoil it. — 1 1 .us. ui shak- 
 ing cane at him.) — "not if my name is 
 Bessie Gale." 
 
 Jimmy Keynoids — (Bus. of attitude of 
 prayer)' — "Blease give me a few moments 
 m which to cohsiaer this proposition be- 
 fore bringing death upon my innocent 
 head." 
 
 Miss Gale — "Then promise to try and 
 win the love of Mabel and I s.iad give 
 you respite." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — "Whats the use of 
 trying to win her love 1 say wnen you 
 said she was head over heels in love 
 with me alreadj i 
 
 Miss Gale — "that was from descrip- 
 tion, and not acquaintance. Now I shall 
 waltz you over to her house mis very 
 evening and put you on exhibition in 
 person as I have in mind pictures. 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — "Wlien do we start 
 on the road with this side-show please'.'' 
 
 Miss Gale — "Your a monkey enough to 
 draw a good crowd even at that." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus of rising to feet 
 to yawn) — "I cannot worry my tender 
 conscience for the rest of my existanoe 
 Bessie, by dazzling another girl with my 
 charms when another has infatulated 
 me for keeps." 
 
 Miss Gale — -"Ask for anything you wish 
 and make the attempt." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — "Well then dear con 
 sin if you'll show me those diamonds of 
 yours I'll waltz over to her house with 
 you." 
 
 Miss Gale — (Bus. of clapping hands)-— 
 "That's great. You just feast your eyes 
 on the baubles as long as you please." 
 (Bus of crossing over to desk.) 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of ditto)— 
 "Your dad must have made you a pres- 
 ent of these imatators of glass just late- 
 ly Bess." 
 
 Miss Gale — (Bus. of unlockig and open 
 ing desk to display her jewel box) — "He 
 just brought these to me yesterday as 
 a birthday present. Y r ou know my age 
 sweet sixteen — but I forgot to tell you 
 about it." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — '"If you should any 
 of them missing upon my departure just 
 blame it on the cat." 
 
 Miss Gale — (Bus. of opening case to 
 show him gems — "Now wouldent it give 
 you some blindness to get one glimpse of 
 "these beauties?'' 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — (Bus. of eagerly ex 
 amining same. — "They make my hands 
 water to wear 'cm." 
 
 .Miss Gal( — "1 just cried over them, I 
 was so happy." 
 
 Jimmy Keynoids -"Many a chap I know 
 would turn them into paste in no time." 
 Miss Gale — "Now where did you be- 
 come acquainted with all these magicians 
 Jack'.'." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds— (Bus. of laughing)— 
 ''Your so innocent that a babj would 
 smile with blushes that a baby would 
 Put those baubles away Miss Gale for 
 they might have wings." — (Bus. of wav- 
 ing hand toward them.) 
 
 Miss Gale— (Bus of petting them, then 
 locking case and closing desk to lock 
 it) — ."Arent they the dearest things on 
 earth?" 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — "From my point of 
 viey they may prove to someone to be 
 on that order." 
 
 Miss Gale — "Dad must have spent a 
 a pile on them — and I know he couldent 
 hardly afford them — but he's so fond of 
 me." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds— ."I cant say that I 
 blame him much. But these expensive 
 presents are not always best." 
 
 Miss Gale- -"What would you have him 
 give me — a plain band ring'.'" 
 
 Jimmy Keynoids — "Lets talk of things 
 pleasank. Docs Mabel look anything 
 like her dear chum?" 
 
 Miss Gale — (Bus. of clasping hanus-^-' 
 'Mi. shes a thousand times more beau- 
 tiful .than me." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds— "Then she will make 
 a fortune by simply entering in the beau 
 ty shows. Don't tempt me to throw down 
 that other girl." 
 
 (Crash as of broken ware frob rear 
 wings) 
 
 • Bus. of loth rushing to G. ]) i 
 Miss Gala— "I'll wager that young Lu- 
 lu has broken every dish in the entire 
 house." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds— "It sounds to me like 
 she had borrowed all the neigh- 
 bors also." 
 
 Miss Gale— "I shall go and learn the 
 worst." 
 
 Jimmy R eynolds— "Save the pieces for 
 Mabel and I to start housekeeping- with." 
 (Bus. of coming up to C. to stand ariu 
 run hand through hair. )— "Now isn't this 
 a pretty pickle for a sleauth to be in. 
 I must c-all up headquarters and tell them 
 of the affair." (Bus. of crossing over to 
 telephone ) — "Hello central, give me 752 
 Central. There not busy— what a mir_ 
 acle!" Hellow Mr. Jackson — this is Jim- 
 my Keynoids— I'm on the tran of that 
 diamond robbery case — I followed the 
 girl here by that braid spangles and the 
 gems are here all right. Talk about In- 
 nocence—I don't see how she is mixed 
 up in the affair honest.— Yep— thats the 
 gems all right — whats that icm on th ■ 
 trail— but he's all off and I'm O. K. \\ . I 
 call later — so long." (Bus. of cio. i, 
 over whistling. .—"What do vou think , 
 that. This sleuth business would tangio 
 up the wisest guy on the market." 
 
 ( Knters C. D. Bessie Gale) — "Oh, s: e 
 only broke about half of those in the 
 china closet which she happened to 
 knock over!" 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — "Thats splendid 
 news— but alas she will finish her -job 
 never fear." 
 
 Miss Gale — (Bus. of coming up to C) — 
 "I broke your cane Jack, but vou don't 
 mind, do you?" 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds— < Bus. of staggering) 
 "Not in the least. 1 was going to throw 
 it away anyhow." 
 
 Miss Gale — "Look here uoy — you was- 
 ent calling up that other girl on the 
 phone was you?" 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — "Honest injun — cross 
 my heart — never." 
 
 Miss Gale — (Bus. of clasping him by 
 arm) — "You'll give Mabel a diamond ring 
 as large as that one I showed you — now 
 
wont you?" ,._, 
 
 jimn Oh-er-just a littler 
 
 n't mind." 
 
 (telephone rin 
 
 !us of crossing over to 
 answer) — "If -she asks for you I'll say 
 vour not here. Hello, yes this Is Bess. 
 Whats tha H ■ ■'■ eloped with Will 
 
 Hampton. Well, 1 never! ies, I'll come 
 in the morning-— good-bye." 
 
 Jimn olds -(Bus. of throwing up 
 
 hands)— "Oh what shall I do?" 
 
 Miss Gale -"Oh Jack. Mabel has elop- 
 , ,1. iming over to throw her- 
 
 self in his arms) 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds (Bus of soothing 
 "I can survive the jhock a usin — so don't 
 take it so hard.' 
 
 Miss Gale (Bu reaking away; — 
 
 "She's a mean thing to treat us that way 
 
 and I don't care if she doas get married 
 
 Will, rie's all right — 
 
 but he's not my cousin." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds— "Neither am I — I-er 
 m< a n v\ ha t's the use to cry." 
 
 Miss Gale (Bus of stamping foot) — 
 "Oh I'll tell her a few things when I 
 ni'i'i h r never fear." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds— "I have no misgiv- 
 ings along that line. I don't like the 
 name of Mabel anyway — so what's the 
 odds." 
 
 Miss Gale -"Oh to think that she never 
 hinted at one word of this to me. How 
 she took me in on that talk about you 
 Jack. And here she has eloped on the 
 very evening of your arrival. I don't 
 think 1 li even congratulate her for be- 
 ing so mean." I Bus. of putting hand- 
 kerchief i" face and turning from audi- 
 ence.) 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — i Eus. Of putting arm 
 around her) "Never mind little cousin 
 you can gel even by fooling her in the 
 same way." 
 
 tut 1 don't want to elope 
 and leave dad." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds - 'Tnen you can just 
 Lad along with you." 
 
 Miss Gale— I Bus. of breaking away; — 
 I you be serious for one minut 
 
 ! am so disappointed 
 that 1 could bite nails in two — anu take 
 it all as a good joke.'' 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds (Bus. of putting hand 
 eaft).— "But believe ma Bess that i 
 am only hiding my real feeling under 
 a mask of mirl 
 
 (Telephom i i 
 
 Mis • lali - i Bus ■■: 
 "Hello, is thai I. What that. 
 
 Jack caught in the rain and staying at 
 uncle i Whj h j's hei e now . He 
 
 can't be. Then its an imposter. 
 
 I. Hello-central cut 
 off co 
 
 Jinn Oi tinning' a- 
 
 ur finish .1 
 
 01 
 
 him) — 'a»h you mean thing Sou are 
 , lack — than who are you'.' 
 
 Jirrrmy tJ 1 never said I was 
 
 youi cousin Jack It was you who 
 :■ that eh, 
 Miss ' rale i Bus. of starting back 
 him) what you are 
 
 made you so ovei 
 anxious ti 
 Jimmy Reynolds "You need ha - * 
 : 
 
 Mis - 
 
 ing il to secun a 
 not going to have mj 
 shot." 
 Jimmy R is. of throwing 
 
 iii ■ your a good a> to 
 
 all ugh. but ' fool me, my 
 
 littli I 
 
 if covering him with 
 
 can march out of 
 
 'his house my young friend in a hurry." 
 
 Jimmy Bus. of springing 
 
 et) "I say you needent go to ex- 
 
 1 1-. emes in this matter." 
 
 Miss Gale — "Only a coward would try 
 
 to rob a lone woman and here I've been 
 
 treating you like a gentleman. I can 
 
 bite an entire keg of nails in two 
 
 I'm mad and disappointed." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — I Bus. of Hacking off 
 from her with hands in air) — "If you will 
 put down that advance agent of death 
 we'll talk this matter over in a clam 
 ma nner.' 
 
 Miss Gale — (Bus. of advancing toward 
 him) — "If think that I'm going to now 
 take a chance with you your mistaken. 
 Oh if cousin Jack or dad would only 
 come wouldent you have a lovely time." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — "Not any better time 
 than I'm having now I can assure you 
 Miss i . 
 
 Miss Gale — "One should never be trap 
 ped by appearances for I thought you a 
 perfect dear — to find you this." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds— "Just hold that gun 
 -up higher, the lead might roll out of it 
 bj mistake".- (Bus. of falling over chair) 
 
 Miss Gale— "You attend to the dancing 
 and I'll play the piano." 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — "Then handle that 
 mucis a little slower please." 
 
 Miss Gale— "It would be better if 
 step a little livelier." 
 'I elephone rings) 
 
 Jimmy Reynolds — "Thats for me 
 of making break for telephone.)-^-"Hello, 
 this is Jimmy. What! Tom found the 
 diamonds and there— well what do you 
 think of that — made of paste. Talk about 
 getting in wrong. Hurry back — never." 
 
 .Miss Gale— "Well, he hasent any nerve 
 at all." 
 
 Jimmey Reynolds—"! say now Miss 
 Gale it looks like its up to me to ex- 
 plain matters— nas I'm in wrong." 
 
 Ah Gale (Bus. of throwing pistol on 
 chair)— "You don't mean to say that 
 you really turned my diamonds to paste 
 sir." 
 
 Jimni'. Reynolds (Bus. of confront- 
 ing her to open coal and di plaj badge) — 
 "I'm a private detective out on the trail 
 of a robb ry ease. Well, we found strewn 
 • a tire floor a bunch of | 
 '. like a wise guy discovered today 
 thai your dr._-.-s contained tnis very ar- 
 t icle.' 
 
 Miss Gale "So you thought you were 
 a Sherlock Holmes — not stopping to con- 
 that more than one woman can 
 wear that kind of trimmin 
 
 Jimmie Reynolds — "That the story, 
 when I got next to your babbles that you 
 had rei red but yesterday — which 
 swered thedi scription of thos ■ stolen 
 one- I , ' thoughl ! 'in dad — " 
 
 Mis Bus. of clapping her h 
 
 oung man 
 dad would 
 ah -pick." 
 
 Jimn I to know 
 
 i saw or youi 
 
 dad in m\ life befo 
 
 Miss Ga 
 
 uch a thing to me in 
 
 Jimmey Key; king 
 
 awaj a n't you li 
 
 point of \ i vv my dear 
 
 .\li- 
 girl a ml I think your tn I man 
 
 meeting." 
 .1 immey Reyi £ hould 
 
 well ;.. storm 
 
 all right. No need' to kick up 
 ii 
 
 nrprised if 
 this wasent a i ut up job to get posses- 
 sion of mj jewels by pretending this de- 
 When I Let you get a 
 you il know it." 
 Jimn are of no 
 
 me now . but come 
 
 and be friends with i t.Btis. 
 
 of holding out ha 
 
Miss Gale — (Bus. of turning away to 
 snatch up revolver) — "I'll wager that its 
 all a put up job so I'll hold you at bay 
 until dad comes to inspect you." 
 
 Jimmey Reynolds — "'As its pouring out 
 there s no danger of him coming soon — 
 so if you must hold me at the pistol point 
 let us make up. This is all as straight 
 as a die I'm. telling you girl. 
 
 Miss Gale — "Cousin Jack won't take up 
 this affair about Mlable like you dm. He 
 is a perfect gentleman so doh't you dare 
 go out and breathe a single word about 
 what has happened here." 
 
 Jimmey Reynolds — "If I escape with 
 my life I'll be lucky. I think 1 had better 
 look up a less strenuous job. Bob <;ill 
 has a great place for me." 
 
 .Miss Gale — (Bus. of coming up to him) 
 "Why I know Bob Gill. ior he married 
 an old chum of mine. What's your nam.' 
 — mister detective?" 
 
 Jimmey Reynolds — "Jimmey Reynolds — • 
 at your service." (Bus. of bowing.) 
 
 Miss Gale — (Bus. of throwing pistol up 
 on chair) — ' Why I've heard him speak of 
 you lots of times. We may as well let 
 bygones be bygones." 
 
 Jimmey Reynolds — "I second the mo- 
 tion Miss Gale." (Bus. of shakim hands) 
 Miss Gale — "The sun always snines bet 
 ter after a storm you know — so our friend 
 ship should be bright. I want to take 
 back what I said to you as a detective 
 and have you remember that I took you 
 for my dear cousin." 
 
 Jimmey Reynolds — "That was only a 
 pretense to stay here and not go trailing 
 off over there when I spoke of that other 
 girl." 
 
 Miss Gale — "Oh. that is better. I was 
 just thinking-er-" 
 
 Jimmey Reynolds — (Bus. of taking her 
 hands) — "Do you know that as soon as 
 I entered this room I fen in love with 
 you. But we detectives find women who 
 look as innocent an angels and are — well 
 not built that way. Now Maoel did play 
 a mean trick on you." 
 
 Miss Gale — "I'll get even with that 
 young lady never fear. 
 
 Jimmey Reynolds — "Then say for a lark 
 we get even in the same way — you and 
 I tomorrow night." 
 
 Miss GaK; — "If the moon is shining j. 
 will do it. We can got much farther than 
 Mabel will in this storm." 
 
 Jimnn\ R ynolds — "Two lovers in a 
 closed carriage don't mind the weather 
 at least 1 can assure you. With you to- 
 night 1 would be perfectly happy." (Bus 
 of taking her in his arms) 
 
 Miss Gale — "I'm glad you hit on this 
 trail, Jimmey." 
 
 Jimmey Reynolds— "Th .■ greatest sleuth 
 on earth never struck tne lucky trail 
 1 found Bess— the honey-moon trail." 
 Curtain. 
 
 "SIGN THE PLEDGE" 
 Written by B. L. Gamble 
 
 tie Darling Home. Time pr s- 
 ent. 
 
 Settings. Parlor settings, Property 
 Couches covered with cushions at R. and 
 L. Several large fake snakes h. among 
 cushions on both couches and one under 
 center table. 
 
 Costume — Marie Darling, dressed gir>- 
 ishly in white. BJlaine H|olmes — ■ Full 
 evening dress. 
 Cast- 
 Marie Darling The Charmer 
 
 Blaine Holmes A Live Wire 
 
 Curtain. 
 
 (Enters C. D. Blaine Holmes in ine- 
 briated condition, just returning from 
 club. Advances to C. and stares around 
 
 Blaine Holmes — "Well. now. hie. what 
 do you know about this? This here 
 shack just looks our from the outside 
 and my skeleton key opened the door. 
 Oh say, hie. this is a joke, but I gu ss 
 
 I'll rest for a few minutes anyway, so 
 lets have a little light on the subject." 
 (Business of turning up lamp on' Cen- 
 ter table, lights up stage.) 
 
 Blaine Holmes — -"Hie. that couch looks 
 all right." (Staggers over to coin I L. R 
 and takes seat, takes off hat, then rise!t 
 and slowly takes off long coat with 
 effort, andt hrows both on a chair, takes 
 s at. ' As his hand touches snake gets 
 restless, makes sure of what it is and 
 i ising gingerly edges away from couch.) 
 (Enters R. D. Marie Darling who trips 
 in to confront Blain with cry of sur- 
 prise, as he bumns into h r and jumps 
 into air with an "Ugh.") 
 
 Marie Darling — "Well did you ever. 
 Where on earth did you come from sir.?" 
 Blane Holmes — (with low how) — "I beg 
 your pardon a thousand times, my pretty 
 miss, hie, but I'm delighted to meet you." 
 Marie Darling — (Drawing herself up 
 frigidly — "Now haven't you the nerve. 
 Please explain why you are in this house 
 at this late hour?" 
 
 Blaine Holmes — "My dear girl, your 
 house had no business looking just like 
 ours, on the next street, and my skele- 
 ton key had no, hie. no business open- 
 ing your door." (Glances at couch etc.) 
 Marie Darling — (Laughlingly) — "Oh, so 
 your just a plain drunk. I s j e. My fath- 
 er does not get home until very late so 
 that is why I am still up. Now why 
 are you looking at my couch in that 
 stealthy way." 
 
 Blane Holmes — (With Guilty Surprise) 
 — "Why er, yes. you see I just was wond 
 ering if it was inhabited." 
 
 Marie Darling — (Laughlingly — "Oh my, 
 your certainly a funny fellow. Are you 
 married ?" 
 
 Blaine Holmes — (Bowing) — "Not guil- 
 ty, thank you. I've havent met the girl 
 yet whose good enough for me." 
 
 Marie Darling — (Skipping over and tak 
 ing a seat on couch R)— "M y.but you 
 will certainly have a hard time of it 
 finding her. And 1'iii afraid thai aftei 
 wards she will have a hard time of it 
 keeping track of you." 
 
 Blaine Holmes — 'Slowly edging toward! 
 her)— "We're both pretty good jokers. 
 Do vmi konw, hie, I like you little girl. 
 You know 1 could quit this drinking too 
 much water if I wanted to." 
 
 Marie Darling — "You are so original 
 
 in your savings. Tak.' a seat please 
 
 aur fare is paid." 
 
 Blaine He'll).- "Now look here, hie, 
 
 my name is Blaine Holmes, and you 
 
 don't mind my standing up do you?" 
 
 Marie Darling— "I ask you to be seat- 
 ed, sir. This couch is tint the electric 
 chair, and this is net leap year, so sit 
 
 : \v : i 
 
 Blaine Holmes (Taking seat and ris- 
 ing two or three times, then plump down 
 turns upon him.) — "This is awful 
 inn it? Say, what's your name 
 anvway?" (Fidgets abouts.") 
 
 Marie Darling- "My name sire is Ma- 
 rie Barling, and no comments on the 
 Darling piease." 
 
 Blaine Holmes — (Laughling and slap- 
 ping knee "Now that's too comical for 
 werds. 1 was just going to say some- 
 thing about Darling." 
 
 Marie Darling — "You'd he a nice man 
 if veu dident drink." 
 
 Blaine Holmes — (Leaning back on 
 couch and catching hold of snake jumps 
 ie t'e t with a yell and throws snake 
 hack of couch.) — "Oh, gee, but I'm scar- 
 ed Marie.' 1 
 
 Marie Darling— (Rising)— "Say Mr. 
 Holmes, whats the matter with you I'd 
 like to know." (Catchesh im arm and 
 shakes him. ) 
 
 Blaine Holmes — (Dragging her farther 
 from couch) — "Burr, did you so- that 
 t'it'lv toot snake Marie?" 
 
 Marie Darling — "Why man your seeing 
 
things for sure. There's no snakes 
 around here other than those in vour 
 imagination." 
 
 Blaine holmes "Then I've got the 
 snakes. Oh why do I drink?" (Runs 
 hands through hair and breaking- losi 
 rambles around room.') 
 
 .Maii.- Darling— (Following him)— "If 
 you will never touch another drop then 
 you Will never see another snake Blaine. 
 Sign the pledge." 
 
 (Business of Blaine discovering side 
 board and taking up decanter takes a 
 long' pull at it. th.-n spits and sputters, 
 dancing about.) 
 
 Marie Dai ling — (Throwing herself into 
 chair and laughling heartily) — ' oh your 
 drinking the vinegar and sauces Blaine. 
 
 Blaine Holmes — "Brrrr, tthats worse 
 than the snakes. Oh my mouth I'll nev 
 er touch another (hop. without looking 
 at the label again." 
 
 Marie Darling— "Oh dear, your such 
 a funny f How. 
 
 Blaine Holm.es — ■ (Confronting her in 
 anger)— "If you want to have a laugh 
 why dont you go to a show and pay 
 for it?" 
 
 Marie Darling— "Then why don't you 
 cut out seeing snakes and drinking ta- 
 basco sauce? Oh dear, oh dear."" 
 
 Blaine Holmes— (Edges up to table, 
 then gives a leap in the air)— "Great Cea 
 ser, what's on my foot. Brrr, there's 
 snakes all around here." 
 
 Marie Darling— (Rising)— "Why Blaine 
 its all your imagination. Dont get excil 
 ed. but jusi evert your will power" 
 (Dances about him) 
 
 Blaine I lolmes- 1 1; ac hing under tabli 
 pulls up .snake, which he hastily throws 
 back into place and beats it around ta 
 b!e to front I "Saw now you 
 girl, didenl I. hie, just now oick'up a 
 snaki 
 
 Marii Darling "Why you certainly did 
 not sir. four simply having ahllucina- 
 tions." 
 
 Blaine.. Holmes — (Running. . hands 
 through head) "Bj the ghost of my 
 grandmother I'm seeing things right. 
 What doctor, what doctor girl?" 
 
 Alaiie Darling (Coming round and tak 
 ing his ha ndi "Don'1 you know Blaine, 
 that the moment you sign the pledge 
 all these hallucinations will just fade 
 away. Some men can drink and not 
 make fools of themselves, but you an 
 one of the men who simply can't' drink." 
 
 Blaine Holmes — "Oh no. I can't drink." 
 
 Marie Darling— (Laughing)— "You have 
 simply got to sw.ar off all together, you 
 bad boy. or you'll lie seeing worse than 
 snakes later on. Its time you were look 
 ing up some nice girl, you know, ami 
 whal girl would marry such as you." 
 (Shakes finger at him. I 
 
 Blaine Holmes (Soberly shaking head 
 
 up ami down) "Tliats just exactly right, 
 
 bul I can'1 do Marie." 
 
 Marie Darling (Tripping ovei ami 
 taking seal on i. couch)— "Why certain- 
 ly you cm Blaine. I've heard of your 
 fathe! and mother- both worthy of .a 
 
 g 1 son. wealthy and all that, so think 
 
 it o\ er I 'la inc. 
 
 I lla i in- I lolmes i Edging towai d couch 
 alert i— "1 wonder if this couch lias am 
 of 'em in it '.'" 
 
 Marie Hailing "Why any place will 
 themif you think so. I know that 
 if you on,- • sign the pledge for me you 
 will never ice 1 , it. so think of the 'old 
 foiKs at home, then of that nice girl I 
 was speaking of.'' 
 
 Blaine Holmes -| don't know no nice 
 girl only you. Say. your such a nice mil 
 after all. bul say. 1 jusi cant do it. What 
 would the boys ai the dub say?" (Takes 
 sea i Inside her.) 
 
 Marie Ha! ling "They'd say. What a 
 foolish chap he is. don't you know, rath 
 er queer of him not want to see more 
 
 snakes again." 
 
 Blaine Holmes — "Say. your the kidder 
 all right, but your the only girl I'd listen 
 to such stuff as this from. (Takes her 
 hand i — "Marie. I think your the sweet- 
 est girl what am. and I'd do anything 
 in this world for you. honest injun." 
 (Hets awkwardly down on knees be- 
 fore her. ) 
 
 Marie Darling — (Patting his head) — 
 "My put this is so sudden. Now you 
 just close your eyes and set' if you don't 
 picture some other girl to whom you 
 would the same wo. d.j you are about to 
 say." 
 
 Blaime Holmes — •(Closing eyes) — "I'll 
 do just as you say Marie." 
 
 Marie Darling — (Business of taking 
 up fake snake and dropping it over his 
 neck) — "Hut you wont sign the pledge 
 for me." 
 
 Blaine Holmes — (Business of .lumping 
 to feet and dancing about wiih snake in 
 hands at last rushing to side door and 
 hurling out same.) 
 
 Marie Darling — (Throwing herself full 
 length on couch to laugh. "Oh you poor 
 boy you've certainly got 'em Pail." 
 
 Blaine Holmes — "Brrr. thatw as a real 
 snake that was." 
 
 Marie Darling — Jumping up to confront 
 him and shake finger at him — "Why that 
 was only your imagination again Blane. 
 Vour seeing things, thats all so you had 
 better do as I say." 
 
 Blaine Holmes — (Stepping around gin- 
 gerly, looking about and edging toward 
 ( '. DO— "This house may lie just asyou 
 Say, but I'll try the street for mine." 
 
 Marie Darling — (Laughlingly catching 
 him by arm and pulling him hack as 
 he readies C. D. ) — "You., see them out 
 there worse than in here, you foolish 
 boy. And you dident tell me what were 
 going to. Now you wont leave me like 
 this will you." (Pettingly coaxes him 
 back to R. couch. I 
 
 Mat ie I i.ii ling — ( Taking seat ) — "They 
 would run you in out there seeing snakes 
 and going without your hat and coat. 
 You were telling me som thing you 
 know, when that — that hallucination in- 
 ter] llpteil US." 
 
 Blaine Holmes — "The next hallucina- 
 tion and I hoof it for other quarters. 
 I'll go to jail and give myself tip and 
 make 'cm lock 'em out." 
 
 Ala lie laarling — "Oh you poor boy, :.1I 
 that will do no good. 'Did you think of 
 any other girl Blaine'.'" 
 
 Blaine Holmes -"I can thing of no one 
 but you Marie. (Gets down on knee and 
 takes both her hands). "I want to tell 
 you Marie that I love you as the one 
 girl in the whole wide world.'' 
 
 Marie Darling — "Yet you will let an- 
 other snake scare you away from me, on 
 I don't believe it." 
 
 Blaine Holmes--"L:t em come, send a 
 whole menagerie and I won't leave you 
 my sweet Marie. Your the onlv girl in 
 this world, and I want you to marry 
 me." 
 
 Marie Darling — "So you wont let a 
 snake scare you away Blain >. You are 
 beginning to convince me now. But I 
 can never marry a man who drinks like 
 a fish, so if you want me as your own 
 thep ledg 
 
 Blaine Holmes — (Jumping to feet and 
 waxing arms, etc.) — "Then bring out 
 your life pledge, and I'll sign it if you 
 will marry me. No more snakes for 
 yours truly." 
 
 Ala He Darling — (Rising quickly and go- 
 ing to table places paper ink etc with 
 chair ready) — "Come ahead Blaine and 
 sign the pledge, then I promise on my 
 word to marry you." 
 
 Blaine Holmes (Taking up his silk 
 hat front chair and tossing it in air to 
 catch it. etc. i — "Hjurrah. H'urrah, no 
 more snakes for muh. and I win the 
 
sweetesl girl in thewhole world." (Busi- 
 ness of lushing to table and writing out 
 pledge to sign it. ) 
 
 Mark; Parling — (Reading it) — "I hereby 
 swear never to touch another drop of 
 booze as long as I live, so God help me, 
 signed Blaine Holmes. That's the way to 
 be a rial sport Blaine, and you can 
 have irrj hand." 
 
 Blaine Holmes— (Jumping up and kiss 
 fog hr hand) — "I'm glad I happened in 
 here snakes and all. Oh you darling 
 Searie 
 
 Marie Darling — "And now I'll have to 
 fess up Blaine, so don't lie angry. I so 
 wanted you to sign the pledge that I play 
 ed a trick on you." 
 
 Blaine Holmes— "I don't care a snap of 
 my finger what." 
 
 Man ■ Darling — "My father is a great 
 animal trainer, and while fixing new 
 quarters he brought a cage of snakes 
 and left them overnight in the next 
 room. I guess they gol out, and so not 
 being afraid of my pets I thought up 
 this scheme in g t you to sign toe 
 pledge." 
 
 i. lame Holmes — "Well I'll be swindled 
 Si> Tin stung." 
 
 Marie Darling— (Holding out arms to 
 Him) — "Xn your not stung." 
 
 Blaine Holmes — (Taking her in aimsj- 
 "No 1 in n ul stung." 
 
 ( 'uriain. 
 
 "GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS." 
 
 Talking Skit For Sister Team. Written 
 
 By E. L, Gamble. 
 
 Francis — "Its awful the way men stari 
 
 at sou when you happen to have en ■> 
 
 harem skirt." 
 
 Dolly — "They would 3tare at you worse 
 
 if 5 lidn't have on a harem skirt when 
 
 your supposed to have one on." 
 
 Francis — "I'm a saving up money foj 
 a rainy day and I'b going to buy the 
 sw llest silk stocking you ever looked 
 at too.' 
 
 Dolly — "1 gues you will get to marry 
 that guy you go' with — for he is sure 
 ugly enough to be desperat enough to 
 marry you." 
 
 Francis — "And the reason you are a 
 suffragette is that you can't find a man 
 who is ugly enough to lie desperate 
 tgh." 
 Dolly — "That reminds me of the gO\ - 
 ernor of a state who visited the state 
 prison and fount one of the prisoners 
 tn lie the handsomest man he had evei 
 laid eyes on. He found out that the man 
 was serving a term for tunning off with 
 a girl." 
 
 Francis— "I'd like tn see him run of; 
 with me." 
 
 Dolly — "Well, the governor promised 
 th.' man a pardon— for he said that th" 
 ugly man was not to blame for he coulrt- 
 ent be expected to get a wife in any oth- 
 er way." 
 
 Francis — "I dropped into a suffragette 
 meeting for fun one day and th- speaker 
 was saying that the day would soon come 
 when women took the place of men and 
 men took the place of women. Thus a 
 woman would take up her husbands oc- 
 cupation. An Irish woman from trie 
 back shrieked "Arrah. and me husband 
 a bod carrier?" 
 
 Polly — "When I was a kid my sistei 
 had a beau who one evening proposed tn 
 her. She answered that she wouldenl 
 marry tin- best man mi earth. Just th n 
 from my hiding place I chined out— 'Whv 
 sis. Aunt Amelia always savs that and 
 just look at her now.' Sister took him. 
 
 Francis — "I supnose you are quite an 
 nimt bv this time?" 
 
 Dollv — "Yes, sister had triplets net 
 long ago." 
 
 Francis— "And what on earth did they 
 name them?" 
 
 Dolly — "Their daddy named them tnst 
 thing. He called them, Holy Smokes, 
 Thunder and Lightning." 
 
 Francis — "I don't blame him. I would 
 made it stronger than that." 
 
 Dolly— "My brother Jack claimed be 
 had round a way to make diamonds out 
 of coal but I told him that if he could 
 find a way to make coal out of diamonds 
 his fortune was made." 
 
 Francis— "I had a brother who found 
 a great way to make money, but thej 
 sent lo a sanitarium of criminology tor 
 ten years tor it." 
 
 Dony— "What was your nicest present 
 last < hristmas?" 
 
 Francis— "Huh, a pitcher of frozen 
 Lemonade flavored with limes 
 
 Dolly— "Gee, I bet you telt like > ou 
 had been stung with a bee as big as a 
 
 ° rrancis— "I did my hair up with mis- 
 tletoe that eve oh you kid. 
 
 Dolly— "I tell you a way for us to make 
 some big money. Let us start a mat ri- 
 monial bureau. There is all kinds o„ 
 
 C °Sancis-"Not for muh. If we started 
 
 a riot we would stand a better chance o 
 I Long and happy life. Nowadays all 
 would swear they were stung and then 
 they would heap everything th*y could 
 set their hands upon on our noble brows. 
 I'd rather do the Maude Miller stunt for 
 
 "T'nlh "1 heal of a man who has sued 
 his w'ne for alimony." 
 
 Francis— "We had better watch out, 
 
 %^S!MKf£ ;er a million « 
 
 in this country now allowed to vote. Just 
 think of that. Things are coming our 
 
 n Ss-'''Oh yes. and wnlle .there arc 
 over a million women in this country 
 n,w allowed to vote the..; are several 
 women figured by the millions who are 
 no° auowfd ... k/ep their husbands/' 
 
 Dolly "Whv they ought to be allowed 
 to keep their husbands. Do you want 
 their husbands taken from them? 
 
 p ranc is "Just wait till I get a bus 
 band Jus1 Y«.u Wait. ' 
 
 Dolly— "But my dear— I don t think i 
 oTt-.ii ' ve tn be a hundred.' 
 S, K „', i -"Our motto this leap year 
 m ^ t an 1 e-If you don't first call a man 
 whv try try again. There are as bg 
 Idiots- 'in the world as women have in 
 
 tl DoUv- "you" might be able to catch a 
 married one and Then get busy and keep 
 eiit of the way of his real wife. . 
 
 Francis -"I want a widower for mine. 
 T K wife has done the work of brow 
 beating him into the resemblance of a 
 1,'s and She has sort of trained bin 
 flown to the Place where he will eat out 
 of° y our hand and follow you around you 
 
 ta rv5iv— "Gee. vim talk like be was an 
 aiSnal Ko* rny cooking will fix me 
 un w An mv hubby all right all right. 
 "' , ; Ms " Your tooting it will fix him 
 ,,,.,, all right. I well remember that 
 batch of h leuUs you baked and I threw 
 ,; of the window and near lv killed a 
 poor man below who was carrying a small 
 •;;,;, safe nn his head. Your some cook 
 all risrht all right." ^« QO ~ and 
 
 Dollv— "Talking aboul marriasw and 
 p 11 1 that- von know T bad an uncle who 
 was a professor and verv absent nund- 
 
 ,' He could eat th* fln^-s on the 
 ,.,,,,. :1 „.i spv it WP* fine pplprv 
 
 Francis— "Oh y s I remember him. He 
 
took me shopping one when 1 was a 
 and he got a hoid 01 a mut ooiored gftJ 
 and luu.i her home instead 01 me. And 
 mother hasn't spoite to your Uncle Duu- 
 ley sinci . 
 
 Dolly — "Thats him. Well, the nurse 
 \\ ni into his study one day unci announc 
 ed thai two little stranger's had arriv- 
 ed. Uncle asked what little strangers. 
 'Die nurse said why two little boys. M3 
 uncle fussed about — -saying — 'Two little 
 me then why don't you 
 &■ nd them in?" 
 
 Francis — "My little brother was sore 
 
 e when we had a new arrival at the 
 
 house. He said that ma must knew her 
 business, but he dident see what in cre- 
 ation we u nicd with a baby." 
 
 Dolly— "My mother told me of an old 
 woman she knew who called upon all the 
 little strangers in town. She would look 
 at them and exclaim — 'Why it is the very 
 image of its daddy.' " 
 
 Francis "I'm glad I dent look like 
 your old man. Mjy father told your fath 
 er one- to go on home and scare his 
 own family with his face." 
 
 Dolly- "Well, they put a bahv monkey 
 in one crib— and of course the old woman 
 said — 'lis the very image of its daddy.' " 
 
 Francis T took a drive in the country 
 the other day and as we came to a ere -k 
 I asked 1 he old driver the name of it. 
 The old fellow said it was Swimpsons 
 1 ask him to repeat it, and he 
 said it was Swompsons creek. Then I 
 asked him again and he said it was 
 Swumpsons creek?" 
 
 Dolly— "Why dident you set him to 
 whistle it for you?" 
 
 Francis— "I couldent understand, so I 
 ask him how you spelt it. Wall, hi 
 some spelt ii one way and some spelt it 
 
 iut in his own opinion 
 warent no right of spelling it." 
 
 Dolly— "If he had had a Consetina he 
 might have played it over for you " 
 
 Francis -"Why my brother once did an 
 awful thing. Why Rob once killed— why 
 he— he killed — " 
 
 Dolly— "Yes, yes. go on and It me 
 hear the worst." 
 
 ''Why he killed— his breath 
 Sen Sen." 
 
 lexl time I make a batter 
 cakes I II , vour cra . 
 
 mum. Thais just what you d -ser 
 such remarks." 
 
 Fran, -is "Then I shall 1 ecome a great 
 hero. Just think of how 1 shall save the 
 of all or those fo r whom vou are 
 baking cak 
 Dolly— "I dont use uncooked rici 
 
 fritters (hough like -ou do 
 What von know about cooking could be 
 advertised on a stamp." 
 
 ' what I know about mak- 
 
 " couldent he advertrised in a set 
 
 oks such as an agent sells you at 
 
 five down and a dollar a month for nexi 
 
 two hundred years." 
 
 Doliv "Youv said that so often that 
 yon are beginning 1,1 believe it yourself 
 1 ou 11 oe weai ing a rat next." 
 
 Francis— "I hear that vou have a voice 
 on you like Melba— the only trouble be- 
 ing that vou have to give it out in con- 
 densed form." 
 
 Dolly— "Well. 1 tried a hunch of new 
 songsover on the neighbors today and 
 they dident kick — so what are vou kick- 
 ing about." 
 
 Francis— "I guess I rant belli it being 
 as I am a bisrh kicker. You sure live in 
 a great neighborhood — I guess I'll move 
 out in that section." 
 
 Dolly — "No you wont— the landlords de 
 mand rent in advance." 
 
 Francis — ''You must be paid mi for a 
 year and they cant put vou out." 
 
 "THE HOT AIR LINE." 
 
 Talking Skit. Two Straight Males. Writ- 
 ten by Edward L. Gamble. 
 
 1 - i 1 1 — "Dou you know Jack, they can 
 make shoes out of any kind of skins. 
 Thats a fact." 
 
 Jack- "Whata bout banana skins old 
 pal?" 
 
 Bill— "They make slippers out of them" 
 
 Jack "You know a Missouri judge says 
 thai a man has a perfect right to spank 
 his wife." 
 
 Bill — "And a man has also a perfect 
 right to stick a pin in the hind leg 1 
 a. mule — hut whwo wants to do thai 
 
 Jack— "You know one time I taught 
 seh, nil for several months. One day 1 
 asked Johnny Jones to make me a sen- 
 t ne,- containing the word dynamite." 
 
 Bill — "I can make you one containing 
 the words bitter end. The dog chased 
 the cat under the table and bit her end." 
 
 Jack — "Well. Johnny wrot out. My sis- 
 ter Rose wotildent let ou kiss her,' but my 
 sister Dinah might." 
 
 Bill — "You know I took a trip over to 
 England last summer — and I saw some 
 funny things for sure. On a pub house 
 it had a sign that read: yThis is a Free 
 House, so 1 went in and ordered of the 
 best. I refused to pay as that was a 
 free house, but that bouncer was a 
 peach." 
 
 Jack (Laughing) — "That served you 
 right — 'but if it had been me I would 
 have went and told Mary or George on 
 the sassy things." 
 
 Bill — "A funny thing I saw was a strong 
 brute who got very loud after being 
 thrown out of a pub house — so two cops 
 came up to take him off. But you should 
 have seen that chap throw those cop- 
 pers about. At the station house the man 
 fined eight shillings and costs for gamb- 
 ling." 
 
 Jack — "I don't see how they made out 
 that he was gam), ling." 
 
 Bill — "Well, waseht he throwing 
 pers ; iet '.'" 
 
 Jack "I once owned a canary 
 was so tame that it would sit on a good 
 fish. Thats going- some." 
 
 "Thais nothing. I ond 
 1 that was so tame that it would 
 sit on a percher. Just think of it. si 1 011 
 • h." 
 Jack " Well. \ "ii certainly did have 
 the best bird to your notions. But my 
 canarv could seven seven different 
 
 hats nothing, mv parrot could 
 ■ ■ 1 1 ■ * . ■ ■ :s." 
 
 in' ' . once had a 1 nend who 
 in :_•,■! a divorce from his wife on the 
 
 nd: 1 1 aught her a kissing the 
 
 ice-man — but the judge after hearing tn 
 ca«» would not grant it." 
 
 Kill "It was a cold proposition a I 
 — but why wouldent he?" 
 
 Jack -"Well, the woman said thai she 
 did kiss the ice-man — but that he nit 
 them an extra hundr d every day — so 
 whv should hubby kick?" 
 
 bill That may be all right, as far as 
 
 it 1 s— but suppose she would kiss the 
 
 coal man — for an extra ton — and so on." 
 
 Jack — "You know one time I had a 
 dandy job — I used to work for t n> .• 
 Same." 
 
 Bill — "Coulden you get a job from any 
 body but vour relations ? 
 
 .lac'-' — "I was at a temnei ■•> m- ■ lecture 
 the other night — and the speaker shouted 
 out. Bet us not waste our time with the 
 sma'l beer shoos and saloons — but let us 
 go direct to the big breweries. A purple 
 nosed gent sitting next to me shouted 
 out. All right boos. I'll go right now." 
 
 Bill — "I understand that you have a 
 brother who is very much addicted tr> 
 the nse o f strong drink, is that right?" 
 
 Jack — "Well, he says that it used to 
 s-=>em strong, but now it all seems mild. 
 If he keeps en though he'll soon he using 
 choloroform to drink." 
 
Bid — "I was iii a police court 
 when a man had his wife up on a sad 
 charge of giving him a sound thrashing. 
 'Plit- woman told the judge that he hub- 
 by deserved all he sot, as she saw him 
 go in a saloon and actually drink down 
 a foaming .'-■lass of beer — actually drink 
 drink it down.-" 
 
 Jack — "The mad brute— he should have 
 been hung at the least." 
 
 Bill — 'The judge asked her what she 
 wanted him to do with it throw it up." 
 
 Jack—"! was in the same place of bus- 
 iness one day— and a colored lady want- 
 ed a diverge against her husband. The 
 judge asked her on what grounds — ana 
 she said on anybodies grounds — as that 
 fool nigger had got a job and said ..c . 
 was a going to keep the family." 
 
 Bill— "Well, well, it sounds like music 
 to me." . 
 
 Jack— "The judge told ner that she 
 should thank the Lord for that — but she 
 says that sue doesent want to b > the 
 talk of the neighborhood — cause all the 
 Women folks will say that she cant keep 
 a husband." 
 
 Bill — "I heard a little girl one day ask 
 her mother if she had wings would she 
 be an angel? Her mother said yes, but 
 the little girl answered that if she baa 
 wings she would not be an angel — but 
 that she would be a fly." 
 
 Jack — "When I was a kid going to 
 school the teaeher asked that if she had 
 the table how many would she have? 1 
 five eggs in a basket and laid tnree on 
 told her that she would then have eight." 
 
 Bill — "I wouldent mind seeing a pretty 
 teacher lay three eggs on a table. You 
 know 1 looked up Ireland the other day 
 and i was surprised at what a small 
 cduntry as to size and population it is." 
 
 Jack — "But just consider the annex 
 it has over here on our police force. 1 
 sow a cop run a man in the other day 
 for spitting on the side-walk — for the 
 cap said that the man had the tooth- 
 and he would be giving it to every 
 in the town begorrah. 
 
 Bill— "I saw an Irish cop run in a man 
 
 once because the fellow said that he wan 
 
 an A. P. A. — the officed said thai he 
 
 lent have laid hands on him if he 
 
 had been an A P E." 
 
 Jack — "Do you believe in tnal mar- 
 my dear friend?" 
 
 Bill— "well, all marriages are a trial. 
 Woulden't it be a great idea for men 
 to be allowed to trade off their wife to 
 another man for his wife every one,, m 
 a while though?" 
 
 Jack — "And throw- in all the kids for 
 good measui eh? But it woum lie just 
 like a horse trade -both parties would ai- 
 wavs get Stung." 
 
 Bill — "I met a man yesterday whom i 
 haderi't seen for a year and he sure 
 
 glad tO See me." 
 
 Jack -"Well, did you pay that twenty 
 you have owed him all that tim.?" 
 
 Bill — ' if I was to pay you all 1 owe you 
 — they would soon be planting you neath 
 the old willow tree where only the tree 
 would weep for you." 
 
 Jack — "Is that counting th,e inl iresl on 
 Tiie deht, or not?" 
 
 Bill — "I had a friend who had a darky 
 in his employee for ten years — and the 
 dark gentleman stole ten dollars out of 
 my friends pocket. lie was found out 
 and my friend torn him that he couldent 
 understand why he would steal from him 
 for the first time the sum of ten dollars 
 after ten years of employment, 'i he dark 
 gentleman said that was nothing. The 
 congregation of his church could not un- 
 d rstand why after twenty years of work- 
 in' foh ..•ie Lord their preacher had skip- 
 . pe dwith two hundred dollars." 
 
 Jack — "You know one time i started in 
 to be a detective — but the work was too 
 hard on me — and I ended up witn msing 
 a mere shadow." 
 
 Bill — -"If you were a good shadow then 
 you would make a better detective than, 
 most of them. A man once told me that 
 if I was ever in trouble not to seriu to, 
 detective — for I might just as well send 
 for my mother-in-law?' 
 
 Jack — "My first case was for a forlorn 
 wife. Her hubby was a traveling man for 
 a drg-goods house and she sent me on 
 his trail as he only came home once in 
 six months. 1 had a pretty chase to find 
 out that he knew every skirt and model 
 from New York to Frisco — then 1 gol 
 wise as to why he came home in six 
 months only. I got in wrong several 
 times and got mine." 
 
 Bill— "What an interesting- experi 
 you must of had." 
 
 Jack — "It was all interesting and ex- 
 citing sure. Then the traveling man took, 
 up lingerie — and hasent been home since." 
 
 Bill— "1 wonder if 1 can get the job he 
 gave up in the first place?" 
 
 Jack--"I also sold sewing machines once 
 — but I was given six months in jail for 
 carrying one around on my oaek without 
 a stitch on." 
 
 Bill — "Say — why do you always wear 
 black socks anyway old chap? 
 
 Jack — "Well, 1 only have one can of 
 paint and that is block:" 
 
 Bill — "I hear that you have a good tip 
 on the races for today." 
 
 Jack — "My best tip on the races is — 
 dont play the ponies." 
 
 Bill — "You cant lose any more on your 
 tip than a bunch of rubes' do on a check- 
 er game. 1 won fifty bucks on uie ponies 
 yesterday though." 
 
 Jack — "Then lets go out and have a 
 good time together — while the going out 
 is good. You owe me for that bit of ad- 
 vice vou know." 
 
 Bill— "You have as much nerve as the 
 boarder that owed the landlady for three 
 vears uoard — and who told her that he 
 would pay her back every cent for back: 
 board as soon as his fifty year old uncle 
 as health" as a horse— died from old ag< 
 and left him the fortune he might get. ' 
 
 Jack— "That sure was the fluid extract 
 of NERVE." 
 
 THE lMARRIED STATE 
 
 Talking Skitf or male and female. Writ 
 ten by E. L. Gamble. 
 i v, enti ie "Why did vou lead me to 
 ih ■ altar at the point 'of a pistol and 
 compel me to marry you, woman?" 
 Soubrette — "Why you idiot — 1 n.< 
 uch a thing." 
 
 i ntric — "Then how in creation did 
 gel me to marry vou?" 
 Soubrette— "I guess it was my mon 
 \ on wei e after." 
 
 entric — "And I dident get what I 
 was after — thats a cinch." 
 
 Soubrette— "Does our friend Jent 
 his wife quarrel as badly as they used 
 
 Eccentric — "I should smile not. Why 
 haven't a single cross word for 
 other now a davs." 
 
 Soubrette— "You don't mean it. And 
 on earth did the miracle happen?" 
 
 tuccentric— "They simply got a di- 
 vorce.' 
 
 Soubrette— "No home to mother for 
 muh— caus dad don't make as much as 
 you do." 
 
 Eccentric "I was in a store the other 
 day when a boy came in and asked for 
 a pint of gasoline to run their auto with. 
 The clerk told the boy that a pint of 
 gasoline would not run an auto very 
 long." 
 
 Soubrette— (laughing)— "Not enough to- 
 run over one man with." 
 
 Eccentric — "The kid said that he knew 
 that — but it would the automobile till 
 dad came home with his fifteen a week 
 to pay to buy more with. That's going 
 some. , ,, . 
 
 Soubrette- "Did you ever do anything 
 besides act?" 
 
 Eccentric— "I should smile. Why I 
 used to be a detective. One day we 
 were out on a case looking for a desper- 
 ate criminal'. I saw a man come cringing 
 and sneaking along — so I pointed him out 
 to my fellow detective as the desperate: 
 
criminal we w-ere after." (Business?) 
 
 Soubrette " k'es, y s. go <>n. go on." 
 < Business > 
 
 Eccentric "But my companion only 
 burst out laughing. Why you old fool, 
 In- roared, that only Brown— who mar- 
 ried ;i widow with eight children of her 
 own." 
 Soub etti < juit your kidding." 
 Eccentric— "A fellow told me the other 
 
 day that his wife was i- rtainly soin.e Cl'l 
 
 tured woman. Id- said that' she cor 1 . 1 
 talk Spanish, German French and Eng- 
 lish." 
 
 Soubrette -"My, what an awful talk- 
 er." 
 
 Eccentric -"Yes, bul I to],] him that 
 was nothing. My wife could talk in 
 teen different languages — when I 
 came home late at night." 
 
 Soubrette- "I was on the street car the 
 other daj and a pretty girl told the con- 
 ductor she had left her pocket hook at 
 home The con told her that it was all 
 right- -to stay on. Sin- said Thank 
 you sir. And the con answered — Don't 
 htank me miss — hut thank that bull dog 
 a sitting on your lap a yawning." 
 
 Eccentric — "I stopped at a boarding 
 house once — where at dinner the land 
 lady beean to moan ami cry. She said 
 tnat though her husband was a low 
 down critter she had been worried to 
 death since he had disappeared two days 
 1' tore -and ending up with passing the 
 hash." 
 
 Soubrette -"Oh. the poor woman. Did 
 you sympathize?" 
 
 Eccentric — "I took some hash am I 
 exclaimed — well if here aint his collai 
 buttons. The guy next to me cried out 
 And here's the very cuff button 1 gavt 
 him myself. Oh you hash." 
 
 Soubrette I tell you that I wouldent 
 ■Mrs. Jackson's shoe-- for a whole 
 lot." 
 
 nine "Aid why not — my deal 
 wife." 
 
 Soubrette "Becausi 5 'Sterday she told 
 m* thai every single pair she had was 
 worn out." t Business, i 
 
 nitric-—" W'ha ts the use oi living 
 anvwa v ?" 
 
 Soubrette "No usi at all. Lets do 
 awa> with ourselves." 
 
 Eccentric — "All right. We'll move at 
 once to — (Rube Town) 
 
 Soubrette — " You knew I went over to 
 Mrs Smith's for dinner the other day. 
 Well I was telling her that my fore- 
 fathers cam over on the May-Flower- 
 and sti< told me not to talk so loud 
 a I Mint it. 1 got sore and said I would 
 get "i.it on the housetops and proclaim 
 it." 
 
 Eccentric "Whether it was the truth 
 or not, eh. ' 
 
 Soubrette — "But Mrs. Smith told me 
 the reason why. She dident want Brid- 
 get the cook to hear me — for Bridget's 
 it grandfather was an Irish 
 king." 
 
 Eccentric — "Bass the linger howl 
 please." 
 
 Soubrette — "I read of a peculiar girl 
 in the paper this morning who was rais 
 ing frogs. Think of that." 
 
 Eccentric "And I rlead of another 
 girl whc was raising c tin Think of 
 They would hoth take up a lot of 
 gruond." 
 
 Soubrette 1 was passing museum and 
 side-show the other day— and stooped 
 to hear the man in front speilit off b> 
 
 the leal." 
 
 Eccentric — "A woman uoes udmire 
 man who can talk more tnan she can."" 
 
 Soubrette "Tie speiler was bawling 
 out that lie had en exhibition the ug- 
 liest woman yes — in the whole wide 
 world. A fellow from the audience cried 
 out i ha t he was co^ ering too much ter- 
 ritory. The spieler ought to s -e his wife 
 in England once 
 
 Eecenl rrc "lie was lik • the traveling 
 ered t" much territorys o 
 his wife' gol herself a divorce." 
 
 Coubrette "And it strikes me (hat you 
 cover too much territory.'' 
 
 Eccentric "I see by the papers that 
 women have come ti> rule a town out west 
 Appointed women as fire— men — or fire 
 
 worn n. But the town wi- get tired of 
 I \| eases — df buying a certain ex- 
 pensive article for these tire — women- 
 all right." 
 
 Soubrette "Now what will these fire- 
 wom.-n wear so much of -that comes so 
 high. I'd li'e t,, know'.'" 
 
 I'Teeniii "Why silk stockings of 
 
 I till se." 
 
 Soubrette — "I think you ate going too 
 far — in your remarks." 
 
 Eccentric "I'm covering too mpch ter- 
 ritory, I reckon." 
 
 Soubrette — "You were Hitting with 
 that girl today — now dcn't tell me 
 lor 1 saw you." 
 
 Eccentric— "Why I was simple admir 
 ing that girl's hat. My fae ■ lighted up 
 when i thought how swell you Would 
 look in one. 
 
 Coubiette — "I guess you had better 
 tell that to my mother this evening. Sin- 
 will know what to advise me." 
 
 Eccentiic — -"I remembsr so well the 
 time you and I were married in a lions 
 
 Cage. It Seemed S" exciting tllCll hilt 
 
 u wouldent now." 
 
 Soubrette— ■**' I was talking to Dorothy 
 today." 
 
 Eccentric— "What did she have to say 
 about me?" 
 
 Soubrette — "Nothing she can't speak 
 good of a person she keeps mum." 
 
 Eccentric — "If you keep on a treating 
 me like this I will get d ssperate. 1 will 
 -," "in to your father's farm tomorrow 
 and jump right down into his well and 
 drowned myself." 
 
 Souorette — "Now please don't do that 
 hubby. Phase d..n't go out to my dad- 
 dy's farm and jump down into his well 
 and drown yourself." (Business) 
 
 Eccentric — '\-.h. then you don't want 
 muh do do that d sp.jet a te deed '.' 
 
 Soubrette -"No indeed, because then 
 latherwou Id have t" go a mile for drinK 
 ing water." 
 
 Eccentric Gee, I'll slap myself on tie 
 wrist severely. But I'll kill myself new - 
 If it is the last thing I ever do." 
 
 Soubrette — "I'll put up the dough to 
 supply your demise. Though all the 
 widows may not be merry — they are at 
 least all happy." 
 
 Eccentric- (Business) -"Oh. you are so 
 
 nd darling'. But one last request 
 Whatever you do don't ..orget t" collect 
 the insurance money — and divine it up 
 with me." 
 
 Soubrette- "Don't worry mother bird — 
 I can fly." 
 
 Eccentric — "And don't forget to plant 
 things on my grave." 
 
 SoubretU — "I'll plant ginseng on your 
 grave its worth ten dollars a pound" 
 
 Eccentric — "You certainlj are a busi- 
 i. s- woman from the ground up." 
 
 Soubrette — "And you will be a business 
 man from the ground ilow n." 
 
 Eccentric "But think I have to kick 
 the bucket now whether I want to or 
 not. I must be a myrtyr." 
 
 Soubrette — "But just think of the big 
 favor you will be doing your loving 
 wife." ( Busin iss. ) 
 
 Eccentric— "This is the last camel on 
 the straws back." (Business.) 
 
 "ADVENTURES OF A GENTLEMAN." 
 
 Monologue For Straight Male. Written 
 oy E. L. Gamble. , ■ 
 
 You know I'm sort of a searcher for 
 adventure— a chap who goes ou1 to look 
 for that which is stranger than fiction. 
 As a boy 1 was the regular village CUt- 
 up and as a man I am out always in 
 search of adventure. Weil I always find 
 what I am looking for — trouble as the 
 Dutchman said when he called the Irish- 
 man an A. I'. A. 
 
Last summer 1 went to the sea-shora 
 — 10 gel on a lan — and nisi ciay x got 
 a lainiing iniougn tuning wiui a i 
 ty gin — who Happened 10 have a cnap 
 hanging around — who proved io oe nei 
 husDanu. j. wouion t nave minded u 
 so mucn it I nauciu or seen mat same 
 woman in a baumig suit — «new — itnen i 
 threw myselt into the Driny deep and 
 had to ue rescued oy uie lue-saveis. 
 'itien tne gii is an garnered aiuuno and 
 kissed — tne me savcis. 
 
 isexL oay tnougn i met a real peach in 
 her ua Liang sun, i,ut sue v»asn l 
 wearing as many domes as the pure 
 loud law demands — out i gallantly di 
 my blusnes in a buncn of roaes t uougnt 
 lie — aim v. sia.uii out i01' a good Lime. 
 She vowed mat siie had no nuouj — 
 but alas — she had oec.ome engageil the 
 aay oeioie lo a lue-saver — <<i.u win,-. 
 he' got through w im me 1 sure did 
 llueo a liu-Mii .-r. 
 
 vvitn gieat uisguest I left the girls 
 to otheis and hit tne tiowing rowi tor 
 my only companion tor me next two 
 days. then on sueii a Drignt morn- 
 
 ing I appeared upon the beacn in pa- 
 jamas and sucn a mee pair ol spy glass- 
 es. As 1 looived thiougn these out upon 
 the mighty ocean l gave a greatest ol 
 wild snouts and begged everybody to 
 draw neign. 1 told me excited crowds 
 who gatiieied around that through my 
 glasses t could see amonster sea-serpenl 
 the real articli — only ten times worse. 
 Women feinted while strong men at 
 once seized my glasses and tried to 
 find the monster. They could not get 
 the rignt focus though — for 1 was tne 
 only boy who knew wh ire i<> look to 
 find the demon of the deep. Then they 
 1 wore a weird look and a pair of pa- 
 jamas — so more women feinted — while 
 otheis gathered "closer— and then two 
 husky y.ouths escorted me back to my 
 hotel. 
 
 The next morning I shook the sand 
 of Atlantic City from my feet — a 
 might say — and took a fast express to 
 Philadelphia. I signed three ol idges dur- 
 ing tin- ride over — hut 1 am afraid" that 
 none of them took. And 1 wanted to 
 look out of the windows so had — but 
 with such a head as I had on that was 
 impossible. Then such an innocent 
 y©ting girl smiled faintly at me from 
 across the isle — and 1 returned her smiles 
 witli interest — until we were cuddled up 
 in the same seat talking about the time 
 we dident have at the dear old sea-shore. 
 Her father had been called from Atlan- 
 tic City the week before -leaving her 
 alone — so it is no wonder 1 took the 
 blue eyed girlie to my manly bosom. 
 At the station though she disappeared 
 in a very strange manner — and when 
 I looked at my watch — I swore — straight 
 ened my tie- — pin vamoused— and my 
 pockets had even given up their burdens. 
 All I had left was my gold plated false 
 teeth and an empty suit case — I gave her 
 the contents of the suit ease for going 
 arid getting hei a drink of water. Noah 
 Webster had never been in my predica- 
 ment — or he would have written a big- 
 ger dictionary. 
 
 As it was i made out with a regular 
 vocabulary — and then going up to a cop 
 I told him my troubles. I told him the 
 sad story of how I had been robbed in 
 the car during my ride over— the sweet 
 innocent girl I accused outright — but the 
 cop listened to the bitter end — then gave 
 me a shove in the face and told me to 
 go while the going was good. But I was 
 persistant— so he advised me to drink 
 only chasers in the future — and not to 
 overwork poor police-men who had to 
 stand at a corner all day — asleep. Then 
 we had it hot and heavy — belie\ 
 When I came to I was lying on a lit- 
 tle cot in a cage in a darkened apart- 
 ment. A doctor came and said that he 
 thought I would live — if I was removed 
 
 at once to the hospital. At th i advance 
 agent tor the morgue 1 was waiteu on 
 
 by such a swell little nurse that 1 soon 
 forgot my troubles. She at once vowed 
 that 1 was her affinity — that her hus- 
 band was a perfect brute — that was why 
 she had left him — then she .egan to 
 make love to me very desperately. I 
 noticed that the physician watched her 
 very closely — and one day he told me 
 that he feared she was going off her 
 noodle. Well, she went off t..e very next 
 day — for I saw her chasing the same 
 doctor around with an amputating knife 
 — I lay there trembling a thousand 
 trembles a minute. And 1 - eard her 
 screem that she would save her affinity 
 from death at the hands of the doctor 
 vidian. 1 told trie next nurse that I was 
 feeling like a two year old — that I could 
 leave the place at once. She said that 
 it was impossible to discharge me from 
 the job for a few days — but that I could 
 now'get up and walk around. So I gladly 
 stretched my legs — that afternoon — yes— 
 I did stretch them — for I met my for- 
 mer nurse — who had in some manner 
 escaped — and she fell weeping on my 
 neck. Then she decided .we tow must 
 die together — and she pulled out a razoi 
 in a business-like manner. I stopped to 
 ask no question — but took the advici 
 of the cop and left while the going was 
 good. 1 never dreamed that a man 
 could run so fast 1> 'fon — for my very 
 shoes began to smoke — as she urged me 
 on with blood thirsty cries for my lire. 
 I left her far behind -and soon found 
 myself out in the country — where the 
 birds were singing the latest songs — and 
 all that sort of things. 
 
 As you can imagine I was hardly clad 
 for a 'country tour — but I'd had loo much 
 and then some of city life— so I meand 
 eri d on in search of some quiet village. 
 This I found as the sun was siking in 
 the sink— nnd the first individual I met 
 was an old maid— -who gave one look 
 at me and then f led ' in search of the 
 town constable. The mighty hand of 
 the law descended upon me by gosh — 
 and he run me in — saying that I was the 
 husband oi a salome danc r. 1 told the 
 old constable that I was going to marry 
 a salome dancer — but she wiggled out 
 of it. He said he dident blame her fur 
 it — begosh — and we containued on our 
 way to tin- lockup. The old maid fol- 
 lowed as near as she could get — she said 
 she wanted to Vie sure that justice was 
 done — and that a man who was evil 
 enough to run around with hardly any 
 clothes on should be sent to prison for 
 life. The idea of scaring to death such 
 a young innocent girl as herself in such 
 a brutish manner. 
 
 That night I stole out from the single 
 rickety cell and while the constable he 
 slept with a big pistol close by his side 1 
 helped myself to his entire wardrobe. 
 Then I stole out into the night — and by 
 morning' was in another fair hamlet. 
 But alas — I had no cash — so I hit upon 
 a plan. Stopped several autos that came 
 through the village — and being dresser? 
 as the constable worked a graft — the 
 banding over of a five for not arrest- 
 ing them. I got enough to keep me for a 
 week by noon — so I managed at the gen- 
 eral store to get rigged out in some kind 
 of shaoe -and then I took a train to a 
 linger town nearby — as my terrible plot 
 mieM be discovered at any moment. 
 
 While looking over the new burg I 
 met a young man just returning from 
 nling in a gentle game of football. He 
 had a black eve— so I kidded him about 
 sonic nlaver handing him a black eve. 
 He just grinning nnd tanning his pocket 
 said that it dident worrv him about 
 that Having giving lvm a black eve — as 
 he had tb" fellow's ear in his pocket. 
 
 I stenned into a general store — bis: de- 
 p-i '■! inei-it hotiso — to have a look at the 
 giil clerks and saw a Dutchman pac- 
 
ing back and forth. A floorwalker step- 
 pi d up to iimi and ask u ne was looK- 
 nig tor soni.ining in mens clothes, trie 
 said that ne was looking tor something 
 in women's cloi nes— nis vt ife. 
 
 A gnl clerK would hardly take a prize 
 at a oeauty show asked me it shis could 
 do anytnmg tor — and just to jolly her 
 1 told her thai she certainly couid do 
 something for me- she could marry me. 
 Without losing much time she put on 
 Jar nat and coat and coming forth 
 grabbed me by the arm and yelled to 
 the floorwalker thai she was going- to 
 quit — and go and get married — then I 
 was dragged into the street and she mad.' 
 a bee line for the ministers. 1 decided 
 that she was going too iar — so I slipped 
 • bj lei teing her keep my coal for a 
 relic of the time she n arly got a man 
 — and beat it. 
 
 1 bought another coal but not her 
 store— and then kept away from that 
 district. Just at dusk l happened to spy 
 a note at my feet and picking it up — 
 I read it. I found that it was a love 
 epistle and that some beautiful maiden 
 ask a certain young man to meet her at 
 lite left side of the postoffice going 
 north — that she much see mm at once. 
 Scenting adventure and romance I de- 
 cided to be on hand and have some fun. 
 'in hand I was with bells on — and as I 
 arrived at the stated time up she came — • 
 a stately looking maiden heavily veiled. 
 With a cry of joy I whispered that I — 
 iar John had come in reply to her note — 
 I'd she was soon cuddled up in my arms. 
 Then she said she would give me the 
 kiss I bagged for — and threw back her 
 veil. By all the girls I have ever met 
 was as black as the ace of spades. 
 When L came to I vowed never again 
 In go forth in search of adventure. 
 
 ■SOURKROUT." 
 
 ogu :. Written by B. I. 
 
 Ga 1 1 : 
 
 When 1 first to this United SI 
 
 came, a fellow told me to go up to an- 
 
 one and tell him that he was a 
 
 e thai would please him al 
 
 i so- smilling all the while 
 
 1 gu hi tried to knock 
 
 mine head off of mine shoulders vith- 
 
 very fatally. "I did vith- 
 
 stood the insult and ba'ttercake vith 
 
 if I did it mine: 
 and then 1 got up mine Irish and start- 
 el to try and his frau live bj herself 
 -st of her days— if she n<-\ e) 
 
 ing another fool to marry 
 her. 
 
 ^ fellow patted h n thi back af- 
 
 ti rwards the light and calling me 
 
 scout wain lo know if 1 was a 
 Dutchman. I told him no. 1 vas a Chin- 
 iman couldenl he see that 1 • 
 boxer ; 
 
 I vanted to go to a good hotel— so a 
 i M address gave in.- but vhen I did 
 got there I found min self in a livery 
 -Mole. The proprietor was a sassy duck 
 He said that he had enough jack asses 
 in the stable in— vithout boarding me. 
 I told him to go on home and scare his 
 own family vith his face— not to impose 
 on the whole public. He mad got and 
 said he v. mid make mine head spin 
 around on mine shoulders just like a 
 top — and I told him not to something 
 start that he couldent finish. Then his 
 wife m came and we both kissed her and 
 mad^ up. He wanted to know vhat I 
 vould do if mine frau did not cook me 
 vhat I vanted at meals. I tole him if I 
 had a wife and she did thot I vould 
 order a keg of beer— make a barrel of 
 sourgrout and live happily ever after-' 
 wards. 
 
 I got a job next day in a pretzel fac- 
 tory as head designer. Thot vas n gooa 
 
 12 
 
 — job and vone worthy of an artist — 
 ve me. lucre vos a most beautiful 
 girl a vorking next to me — that frauline 
 kept throwing her big eyes blue over 
 to me till I got tired of catching them. 
 'i hen a young Irishman came to vork 
 is— and he made love to Caroline 
 v'hile 1 vorked. Then I got myself ues- 
 i vone day and popping down my 
 Knees on I just proposed to her there in 
 broad daylign... The Irishman Pat got 
 down his knees on and plead louder 
 111:111 I could. Poor Caroline to prevent 
 var betwixt two such great countries 
 said s,." vould not promise either — that 
 instead she vould marry the vone thot 
 had the money most by vone month from 
 LuOt fatal day. Pat and me passed com- 
 plaints to each other from thot day on. 
 I told him that I knew an Irishman who 
 couldent lick a stick of yellow candy — 
 and he said he knew already a Dutch- 
 man who couldent lick the guy who 
 ■ oul .ent lick a stick of yellow candy. 
 \V did have such joyness. Then ve be- 
 gan to save up der coin of the realm 
 like it vos worth having. I got so 
 tightness it nearly broke 
 mine heart to spend a nickel vonce a day 
 tor a glass of— not vater — and a free 
 lunch. 1 vent to thot proprietor of thot 
 livery stable and got to sleep in the hay 
 lofe for nothings. And thot saved my 
 barber expensiveness — for the rats chew- 
 ed oft' mine beard each night. I ate so 
 less thot I began to look like a defecitive 
 toward the month last — a mere shadow. 
 .Mine own mothed vould not have known 
 or a living skeleton in a siue-show. 
 1 diil not dare to look in the glass for 
 fear of getting discouraged and throw- 
 ing up the sponge, Thot Pat did not 
 save like I did — so I vos happy — though 
 Caroline said thot I skeered her half 
 to death. — Then the night before the last 
 lay I counted mine coin with great joy 
 ent to bed with a stomach so empty 
 hot I vas ashamed to look it in the 
 1 did hear a noise doing th i night 
 — but you always hear noises in a livery 
 did not bother to wake up, 
 I >er next morning though I found to 
 mine horrors and terrors thot mine mon- 
 ey had vamous d I called in seven polices 
 and they found nothing 1 ut a penny 
 and gave 'em that for their kindness 
 and went at last to vork in a rage. 
 Pat and Caroline was making love for ail 
 orth — 'out I said nothings. Then 
 in Caronne said ve should 
 mow her our moneys — and she take tne 
 winner. I told her nothing doing- — and 
 I hoi blam • Pa1 null d out such a big 
 
 moi e than I had ived arid vi get the 
 
 ;ame oline sa id he had vone 
 
 and thot evenings they vos married. 
 
 I ite a f.\v nails for supper — and deeid- 
 
 1 d (o boai d a t tin- stable till pay day. 
 
 The next morning th" bride and hroom 
 i'ere there— and Caroline kissed me — and 
 Pal came up and said he vonted a few 
 \ "ids vith me. Alone he handed me the 
 vad of money I had lost — and then vith 
 much iaughter told me he had only bor- 
 rowed it for a day — thot vas all. 
 
 But thot was not all — for when we re- 
 turned Caroline did not know her hus- 
 hand of a few hours — thot was all. 
 
 Igo t a joh next in a flour mill a tramp 
 ing ou der grain mit mine heavy shoes 
 - and [ \ anted to do it in mine bare feets 
 so as not to soil def pour so — that der 
 miller said no — he was not trving to 
 make Hmberger cheese by a short vavs. 
 He said as it vos mine feet were dead 
 and he dident think he could use me 
 very long— but I told him that mine feet 
 vere only asleep. He said it vould be 
 better if thev vos dead— then I could go 
 "tit and bury them. 
 
 Rut I did fool him bv buving a gallon 
 of toilet vaters— and using it very freely 
 both internally and externa llv— till he 
 
began to complains of me ;i smelling too 
 good. I told him uiot 1 did not come 
 there to be smelled like a ro3e— but to 
 be vorked like a horse. 
 
 Thot miller he had a daughter who 
 vos no beaut and about forty or more 
 of age wno t'os alvays a hanging 
 around making e\ es at me. Thie oiu 
 boy told me 1 vos welcome to hei and 
 der fortune her mother hau lift her- 
 because she couldent take it vith her — 
 but'vone good look at her unbecoming 
 face makes me determined to stay single 
 fur the rest of mine natural gass days. 
 .Cut she vould make luff to me — and vone 
 bright day she caught me alone — and gel- 
 ling down on her old squeeky knees she 
 told me thot being as it vos leap year 
 she vould ask me for mine hand. Vhot 
 could I do boys — just picture yourself 
 in such a dilemity — but blush and told 
 her I vould try ami make her a good 
 husbands. 
 
 The day of the veddings approach cl 
 vithout good cheer — for 1 vos in to marry 
 thot pld Century plant — and no mistakes. 
 I learnt down at the gineral store thot 
 the old girl had been trying to catch a 
 man for ny on to twenty years — but the; 
 had all had the nerves to turn her down, 
 it seemed like a dream — a night-mare — 
 thot day vhen I stod in der dear tittle 
 church — and as there vos a vindow i 
 near me I suddenly gets up der nerve — 
 and without evens saying goodby — I goes 
 out just before* the ceremony — and takes 
 to der voods for mine. 
 
 A boy down der road asks me if 1 
 had just escaped from jail — and I told 
 him vorse than thot. Then as 1 vos 
 sauntering along a boy came galloping 
 up and told me thol a big crowd vos a 
 hunting for a man of mine inscription. 
 The lad said he had heard an old woman 
 call me a robber — and thot being as he 
 vented to be a robber vhen he growned 
 up he vanted me to yet avay— so I vent 
 h..e the going vos good. As 1 dashed in- 
 to a town I could hear them drawing 
 nearer — so like the hunted thing 1 vos 
 I rushed up to der new jail and dashing 
 into the sherifs office told him thot J vos 
 
 criminal — and for him to 
 me in his si i cell. 1 reckon I 
 
 thol he though 1 l vos bugs 
 anyvay — so he did as requested. Thot 
 rtgs when a flunkej 
 
 < confessed the 
 whole business— and the sheriff I 
 him— I oke on me — 
 
 Frei i i"ok der next t rain 
 for the nearest vicked city — no more of 
 thol country life for mine. It vos 
 quiet, 
 
 I roamed der streets of a city next 
 day — trying to find work. I vent into a 
 drug store- to buy some salt — to eat an 
 apple. I had vith. The druggist \ 
 
 dancing around in high gl -and vhen 
 
 I ask him about his happiness he just 
 laffed fit to kill. Then he told me thot 
 
 last \ inter a plumb. -r had come twice 
 to thaw out his frozen soda water pipes 
 i thot the same plumper had just 
 sent in two prescriptions to be filled. 
 
 1 hit der druggist for a job — and got in 
 as porter. All I had to do vos to vork 
 twenty-two hours a day — and be care- 
 ful \ hot 1 did vith the oth r two. But I 
 knew I could learn der drug business 
 
 and then l could sell vater at der 
 prices. One day der clerk got sick and 
 had to go hone' so he told me to rait 
 on trade as best 1 could. A man came 
 in for two ounces of sugar of milk — and 
 about half an hour afterwards came 
 ing in again. He said thot I had 
 given him two ounces oi carbolic acid— 
 and he had taken the bottle. I told 
 him not to vorry — as I vould give him 
 two ounces of sugar of milk for notings 
 — as ve vould always corre'ct mistakes. 
 
 A woman came in and vanted me to 
 mix her up a portion — as her daughter 
 was in love vith a soft guy — who she 
 dideht vaiit her to marry — and she vant- 
 ed somethings to give him so he vould 
 luff her daughter no more. I mixed up 
 six ounces of everything I could find 
 
 and told her to feed the young man on 
 thot — and I felt sure he could never luff 
 her daughter — or anyone elses ■ daughter 
 no more. 
 
 A girl came in who had the St. Vitis 
 dance — and she did it so much thot she 
 got me a doing it — and I couldent stop I 
 started in to drink some whiskey — to 
 break it up. I got it broke vhen I got 
 good and full — the drug man came in as 
 trying to sell a boy paregoric ?or 
 the rheumatism — so he gave me der 
 grand bounce. 
 
 I am now in search of a good job — 
 anythings vhich is dishonest — so let me 
 "know if you don't hear of anythings. 
 
 ••THERE'S NOTHING ELSE IN LIFE 
 LIKE LOVE." 
 
 M. Witmark & Sons, Publishers. New 
 
 York City. 
 lln -Land 
 
 Hush — my wit'ie darling creature 
 
 Big of frame and feature 
 
 Signal there no donger. 
 Wife 
 
 You've forgot what I've told you 
 
 I shall each night scold 
 
 So hide in the manger. 
 1 1 usband 
 
 Come now— to my arms now 
 
 Fault is all tl 
 
 Who made me drink joys. 
 
 Why man must you make- me cry 
 By drinking schooners ahoys? 
 
 Nil'S 
 
 Oh please don't talk, talk, talk to me 
 And try to mock, mock, mock, poor me, 
 
 We swore we'd never fight 
 
 That wedding night 
 All dreams just like our ntoneyn 
 
 So whats {he use, use I pray, 
 
 To lie SO , lOOSe 1 
 
 L-ets out it out for lit': 
 And love. love. love. 
 
DEC # 19* 
 
 "KISS ME, HY MONEY KISS ME." 
 
 Ted Snydei Co. Publishers. Parody by 
 
 K. L. Gamble. 
 My little honey 
 
 She wails at home boys 
 She arts so funny 
 
 When 1 do roam boys — 
 She'll give me a cain boys 
 She'll she me a cain boys 
 
 So I'll return to her. 
 
 CHQRUS 
 
 Miss mi. My honey miss me b 
 
 Ami say you'll throw dear 
 No mote those things — 
 Love me — my honey kiss me 
 Let stars not shine dear 
 Me poor head rings 
 
 Every night sweetheart bright 
 I'll be home early wifie elearie 
 
 Don't make me weary 
 By throwing- chairs dear 
 
 At my poor head — 
 Don't go home to your mother 
 
 No other have I 
 
 Wifie, 1 Love You. 
 
 "MY HERO" From The Chocolate Soldier 
 
 Remick & Co. publishers. Parody by B. 
 L. Gamble. 
 
 Will had a squit eyed ugly wifie 
 
 He was a henpecked man poor scout — 
 
 She mad it rought for him on life's sea 
 He knew not what he was about — 
 
 To make life wi ent for mother 
 
 And for 'Will's happiness she'd c 
 
 Tln-y toroured him one then th< other 
 Oh happy Will— both , iy — 
 
 Oh happy Will— both went away 
 
 CHORUS 
 
 Come, come, l love you only 
 
 My kate so true — 
 Come, Come, my wife is roaming 
 
 I long for you — 
 Come, Come, soon she'll return dear 
 
 My arms are aching' for you they burn 
 dear 
 Today Be Mia. 
 
 Come. Come, for you I'm lonely 
 Come., Shero Mine. 
 
 "ITS NICE TO BE NICE TO A NICE 
 LITTLE GIRL LIKE YOU." 
 
 Jos. Morris Pub. Co. Broadway Theatre 
 
 Bldg. New York. Parody By E. L. 
 
 Gamble. 
 
 She was a neat little sweet maid' n 
 girlie — 
 Her age was Forty Two— 
 But though she schemed and she dream- 
 ed late and early — 
 No beau said he'd be true; 
 Ami one day she met a man 
 lie had just got the can 
 Jus': out of a prison he had come — ■ 
 
 When she met him face to face 
 She proposed this darling Grace 
 
 li ■ wanted him for her own chum. 
 
 CHORUS 
 
 Its nice to be nice to a rich little girl 
 like you — 
 I'd be twice- twice as n ii-< • 
 If your age was under forty two — 
 lou can keep me in my style dearie 
 
 V, 1. mi for me you fall 
 And when married then no more I"l 
 
 wearo a dollar Ingersoll — 
 Oh, it:, nice to be nice to a Rich Little 
 Girl Like You. 
 
 "SADIE SALOME" (GO HOME) 
 
 Tew Snyder Co.. Publishers 112 >.'. 3Sth 
 St. New York City. Parody by E. L. 
 Gamble 
 M,'zi- Plaza left unhappy home 
 Just to try her luck up the stage — 
 So he told the folks she came from 
 
 Rome 
 Just to make ili.. man all o'er her 
 crazy — 
 When she hit one lung she caught poor 
 Mos 
 Who forgot lie had a wife name Hose; 
 Eut his wife she saw that girl 
 .Vaole that woman's head now whirl 
 As she uii and did these here worlds 
 hurl. 
 
 CHORUS 
 
 Don't throw those la mils I tell you I dy 
 
 I m only honest Mrs. Bradj 
 
 It only your line clothes 
 Most all your clocking hose 
 
 Oh, oh, oh, thats caught my a! 
 You'd better go and do as Ro-r.e does 
 Trying just now to make my homo l.r.zz; 
 
 Don't bring me to disgrace 
 
 Or else I'll spoil your face 
 
 Lady from Rome go home 
 
 "WINTER" 
 Remlick & Co. New York — Detroit. Paro- 
 dy by E. L. Gamble. 
 
 Winter time am chicken timje 
 
 coasting time and frying time — 
 Thats the time I love 
 When your lady love says Sam 
 
 I'se so tired of eatin' ham 
 Chicken to me shove — 
 Hear those sleigh bells ring 
 chicken tonight bring. 
 
 CHORUS 
 Winter Winter That the time to steal 
 
 Chickens by the reel 
 In October and November and Decem- 
 ber sure remember 
 Winter Winter 
 When the farmer am a snoozing 
 
 Mid the covers so warm You- take 
 those pullets 
 Danger small from bullets When its 
 Winter. 
 
 14 
 
"THAT MESMERIZING MENDELS- 
 SOHN TUNE." 
 
 Ted Snyder Co., Publishers 112 W. 38th 
 
 St. New York City. Parody by E. L. 
 
 Gamble 
 
 Funny business to be standing out here 
 
 at night 
 Won't you com- out to the door dear 
 and bring a light? 
 Hum. Hum. < >h this beautiful night in 
 June — 
 If you ever loved me Please now lets 
 not sever 
 Lord, 1 wish my head would quit go- 
 ing round forever — 
 Hum, hum. < )h that looring old moon 
 My honey. 
 
 CHORUS 
 
 Let me com.- into the house out here I 
 
 cannot see 
 Cheese it honey please now dearie love 
 me again — 
 Hiss no more about your mother 
 Or a wife I'll get another 
 Your the only woman that did e'er ap- 
 peal to me 
 This tantalizing hypnotizing moon will 
 drive me clear out of tune. 
 
 "BILLY" 
 
 Kendis & Paley — 1367 Broadway — New 
 Jfork City. Parody by E. L. Gamble 
 
 Now when I was a maiden I was feeling 
 glad 
 Dreaming of a wedding day — 
 There was a guy I loved but he fell oul 
 with dad 
 For father must have his say — 
 Though I still love my uearest Jack 
 Dad said No — don't bring him back 
 For I daughter will bring home just 
 the boy to love 
 So I married Bill DeMack. 
 
 CHORUS 
 
 Now when I walk I've got to talk wltn 
 Billy 
 Cause Billy has me as his wife — 
 I'd like to talk — With someone else than 
 Billy 
 Caus-e Billy says his nerves I shock — 
 And each new cook She always flirts 
 with Billy 
 I guess he thhftts he pays the hill 
 And when I sleep — I'd like to sleep 
 Each night without that Hill. 
 
 •GALLAGHER' 
 
 >tu: 
 
 N( . w 
 >iC to 
 
 Von Tilzer Music Pub. Co 
 lay. when Gallagher went 
 save the day 
 He had on his made to order clothes — 
 Saturday, when Gallagher lie saw youns 
 Kitty Grey 
 She had on her made to tailor clothes — 
 
 He looked the girlie over as , c strolled 
 
 along the si re t 
 Till one fellow said that masher no one 
 her can beat 
 And then his girl went with Gallag- 
 her 
 ll< dident have in speak. 
 He had forgot about young Kitty Grey. 
 
 CHORUS 
 
 Mash that wwas Gallagher Mash thats 
 
 the boy 
 Whenever they see him it fills girles 
 with joy 
 Mike you son of a gun Mike 
 Flike shouts the other hoys say you've 
 got your nerve 
 You can save your breath I think 
 For he'll give your girl the wink 
 Because you cant turn the Irish down. 
 Parody by E. L. Gamble. 
 
 "ANGEL EYES." 
 
 Shapiro Publisher. Cor 39th & Broadway. 
 
 New York <'ity. 
 
 Since ' I married dearie Mabel Greenleaf 
 Angel cake. I've longed for angle cake — 
 She can't bake 'em fining me with much 
 grief 
 
 For a slice as big as Erie Lake — 
 Naught it matters whether sun or moon- 
 light 
 Just the same I smell it calling me — 
 For she never hakes that batch of tune- 
 light 
 
 CH( >RUS 
 
 So I sling this melody. 
 Angel Cake Good angel cake 
 
 Angel cake Sweet angel cake — 
 When I smack my limps upopn my fav- 
 ored dough 
 Seems to me that time may many 
 years ago, 
 Angel cake, my mouth now sighs 
 Angel cake for thou it sighs 
 The dope my wife now bakes the whole 
 year through 
 Nix, reminds me of you angel cake. 
 By E. D. Gamble. 
 
 15 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
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