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THE 
 
 democratic 
 Gospel of Peace, 
 
 ST. TAMMANY. 
 
 »» -»#»- « <- 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 r»xjjBi:.TSiiicD irojR the axitkor. 
 
THE 
 
 DEMOCRATIC GOSPEL 
 
 PE^CE, 
 
 ACCORDIKO TO 
 
 jsrs?. T-A-3VE33wa:.A.3xr''sr. 
 
 NEW YORK : 
 
 miJSTTKr) inOJR, THE ^TJ'mOR. 
 
 18 6^.s3. 
 
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 ^4S2 
 .3 
 •2)44? 
 
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ST, TAMMANY. 
 
 Chapter I. 
 
 1. Now in these latter days there appeared unto 
 men a little book with a red cover, and it was in the 
 handwriting of a certain man who answered to the 
 name of St. Benjamin ; hut he was neither a saint, nor 
 had he the likeness of a saint, neither was he a Ben- 
 jamin; bat he was a son of Belial, and put in themouth 
 of another that which was of himself. And he was 
 an exceeding wicked man. But therein was he in 
 likeness unto those to whom he piped, and they who 
 danced were of a tribe called Eip-publicans, and they 
 were so-called because they were publicans and sin- 
 ners, and ripped the big^ parchment. And, ever since 
 that evil day, they seek to accuse others of the great 
 wickedness; and in this effort they are in their own 
 eyes Somepiinkins. 
 
 2. But to the record. — oSTow in the days of Wi^^^' 
 jvall Fill-upj there arose a little cloud, no bigger than 
 a man's hand; but it was exceedijig black, and indi- 
 cated fori^uncle Sam, Avith a good Constitution, a hard 
 blow. This AVind-wall Fill-up was a prophet of the 
 Ili-windites.. and of the Hubites who governed the 
 M.assa-shootits, the inhabitants of the country of 
 Massa-shootits which lies between Cape Cod and 
 Cannot-i-cut. And there were some good people in 
 Massa-shootits. 
 
 3. ISTowthis little cloud no bigger than a man's hand 
 «ame out of the North, and Wind-wall Fill-up was its 
 prophet, whose shop was in the hub of the IJnion. — • 
 And he was like unto a worm in a nut. 
 
 4. This was one of the prophets to preach the new 
 Gospel without peace, and it was in this wise. 
 
 5. In the days of Washington, all the inhabitants 
 of the infant nation of Nuncle Sam, who desired it, 
 
 ,OV-*C>e^e> ^A^ 
 
had the right to own property in persons then called 
 slaves, now called niggahs. The big parchment did 
 not say they should not. 
 
 6. And Wind-wall was just a man in his own sight, 
 and he walked uprightly before the niggahs. 
 
 7. But when he was not before the niggahs he was 
 nowhare. 
 
 8. And he loved oratory. 
 
 9. And Wind-wall said unto himself, I will elevate 
 myself upon the wings of oratory, and carr}^ the brand 
 of fan-at-it-sam to the very verge of destruction, for 
 this big parchment is a covenant with hell. 
 
 10. So Wind-wall Fill-up first loved himself, and 
 hated the hig parchment after. 
 
 11. Kow in the days of his success, he took unto him- 
 self as partners, Fed-ricks Dug-glass, Henry Wore 
 Breeches, G-ray-iiit Smith, and other workers in the 
 cause, and Ho-race Greedy, a certain philosopher who 
 usually sold the tickets. 
 
 12. And Hor-ace said unto Wind-wall, " Lo, there is 
 gold in the lecture business. 
 
 13. And the gold in those diggins is exceeding rich. 
 
 14. Now hearken unto me; thou art rich in the gift 
 of speech, and thy gas is of exceeding richness, and 
 doth but require the notice of the Tri-burn to cause 
 thee to become a burning and shining light. Now, 
 therefore, barken, thou unto me, and we will become 
 fellow workers in this cause of the niggah, and we 
 Avill divide the profits, as it doth become honest men 
 working for their own welfare.'' 
 
 15. So they traded with their fellow men ; but divided 
 not the spoil with their friends, the niggahs. 
 
 16. So Wind-wall's walk was considerably to the 
 windward of the niggah. 
 
 17. And he went, and taking a Bible in his hand, 
 
 18. Said "Just as like as not, there is something in 
 it. And he read in Leviticus xxv. vs. 44 & 46. 
 
 19. and 20. "Ah!" said he "this doth sanction 
 slavery." And he was troubled. But he reasoned 
 with himself and said, " there is some mistake, in that 
 part of the Scripture; I did not see it before besides, 
 it is too late now. — Ilo-race and I have a race for the 
 niggah before us, which must be run. 
 
22. And it isAvritten, that the race is not to the strong, 
 therefore we will take it easy, and the devil take the 
 hindermost. 
 
 23. Many days after this, it came to pass that Ho- 
 race discoverd that Wind-wall had read the Scriptures, 
 and had become a little weak in the backbone on the 
 great nigo-ah question. Therefore brought he Wind- 
 wall to judgment, and sentenced him to colored 
 church, on the next hot day, if he ever caved in on 
 the John Brown question. 
 
 24. And Wind-wall searched the Scriptures again, 
 and read in Deuteronomy, chap, xv, vs. 12. And 
 after reasoning with himself, said, " this doth not 
 apply to the heathen slave, it is a different statute." 
 And he was troubled, but said, " but we are working 
 a good work for the niggah, and we must declare 
 him free, and let him go." 
 
 25. And he struck hands with Ho-race, and it was 
 so from that day forth. And Wind-wall went out 
 from before Ho-race justified in his own wisdom. 
 
 Chapter II. 
 
 1. And it came to pass about this time, that the 
 great hang-high rooster, who answered to the name 
 of Henry Wore Breeches, sat at ease on his perch in 
 his great coop on the heights of Brooklyn, a city 
 acro'ss the river, and to the eastward of the great city, 
 the city of Gotham. And a great idol was he among 
 the chickens of that roost; and they were the chickens 
 of the covenant. 
 
 2. And the men of Breeches gave their men-singers 
 and their women-singers unto Henry Wore, and when 
 he did not preach, they sung unto their little niggah 
 idol. 
 
 3. Now the men of Breeches were men of dry 
 goods, and of boots, their trade extended unto the 
 uttermost I'imits of the retail department. And they 
 
got great gain, and waxed fat from their diligence ; 
 therefore, they said, "why sit Ave here and see our 
 colored brethern of the South hewers of wood and 
 drawers of water unto the men of the South. Behold 
 those blessed niggahs disgracing themselves by being 
 contented and happy in bondage, instead of killing 
 their masters and becoming freemen, and lazy nig- 
 gahs. How pleasant would it be to take such freemen 
 by the hand, and make them governors in our stead. 
 
 4. Therefore they yielded up to Henry Wore all 
 their hopes, wishes, and desires, that he might blow 
 his horn nnto all nations, while they waited in their 
 coop to see what might turn up. 
 
 5. Now the men of the South, seeing aud hearing 
 what was being done by the men of Breeches, the 
 Gray-hit-tites and the Fed-rick-sites, and how that 
 they were become as grass hoppers in number, began 
 to think that their gospel was rather of Avar than of 
 peace to them. 
 
 6. And Henr3^"\Yore Breeches said within himself, 
 '' shall not I feed at the crib Avith Wind-Avall and Ho- 
 race, and wax fat in lectures, and become a man as 
 well as a rooster ? " 
 
 7. So he made his words as honey, that he might 
 make himself a friend unto them, and of certain men 
 of an Independent turn, who had joined themselves 
 unto Wind-AA^all & Co., and who called themselves Abo- 
 litionists. ^- 
 
 8. Kow Henry Wore desired to become one donkey 
 poAver by himself, and said, "the people of the earth 
 shall do my Avill, which shall be right in my OAvn eye." 
 
 9. And the chickens of the covenant Avere very 
 much elated at the expanded dimensions of the 
 Breeches, and they said one to the other, 
 
 10. Behold the necessity of an enlargement of the 
 field of action for our beloved Breo^'hes. 
 
 11. So they sent him across the great Avaters, nnto 
 the island that sitteth upon the sea. 
 
Chapter 111. 
 
 1. Kow thebirth'of Xuncle Sam was in this wise 
 
 2. The people of the land Avere the same; like one 
 unto the other, being descended from ancestors like 
 unto themselves. And they had certain niggahs who 
 were held to service or labor. Now, the people occu- 
 2)ied certain provinces, held by governors of a certain 
 stiif-necked king beyond the sea, who taxed their tea 
 and stole their niggahs beyond endurance. And they 
 said, one to the other, " we will have no king, but 
 will unite our provinces and be one nation, and 
 appoint one from among ourselves who shall be our 
 ruler." And it was so. And the provinces were 
 united upon the conditions expressed in a big parch- 
 ment. 
 
 3. And the people in the several provinces were 
 free to do as they thought j^roper witiiin their own 
 province, but nothing contrarj^ to the big parchment. 
 And it was so. 
 
 4. And the people of every province had the right 
 to have and to hold the niggah slave. And the nation 
 was great, and held provinces called territories. — 
 And the big parchment gave powers to appoint gov- 
 ernors, and make laws and regulations to protect the 
 people going there with their property ; but not to 
 deprive them of any rights of property in their nig- 
 galis. There is no such thing in the big parchment. 
 
 5. Prosperity went hand in hand with the men of 
 Nuncle Sam, and they waxed fat. But there were 
 Abolitionist north of Massa Dixon's line, who would 
 lie, cheat, and get the best of the bargain generally; 
 talk against slavery; and not at all live up to the ten 
 commandments. But they were as yet a small trii)e. 
 
 6. And strangers aboroad heard of the thrift of the 
 inhabitants of the land, and came and dwelt therein. 
 
 7. And the tyrants and despots of other lands be- 
 came big jealous. 
 
 8. And there were tribes of kangaroos or niggahs 
 in the land of Nuncle Sam, whose hind legs exceeded 
 in length, their front legs, and they had lamb's wool 
 
8 
 
 for hair; somcAvhat tawny in complexion; given to 
 carry their fore paws in their breeches pockets ; while 
 their heels were considerably thrust out backwards, 
 quite naturall3^ It was not generally supposed that 
 they were of the civet tribe ; consequently they made 
 good slaves, and the men of ISTuncle Sam bought and 
 sold them. 
 
 10. But the time for importing them expired, as the 
 big parchment said the people, through congress, 
 could prevent the importation after 1820, but not 
 before. 
 
 11. But the men of the South still favored their in- 
 stitution of slavery, and said to the lazy kangaroos. 
 " if you do not work, you must be punished ; we 
 house, feed, and clothe 3^ou. And they said again to 
 the men of the North, "abide by the big parch-ment, 
 which says, a person held to service of labor, escap- 
 ing into another province, shall be delivered up." 
 
 12. And it was not a covenant between the JSTorth 
 and South merely, but was one of the conditions ex- 
 pressed in the big parchment, when there was no 
 North, no South. 
 
 13. And the good and true men North stuck to the 
 big parchment. 
 
 14. And the niggahs multiplied, and covered con- 
 siderable ground in the South, and their tracks may 
 be seen this day rather too thick on the earth works, 
 and on the banks of the big muddy. Itmaj' here be 
 remarked, that there is a slight variation in the gen- 
 eral features, and considerably more in the color of 
 some of the kangaroos — supposed to be caused by 
 migratory visits of certain tribes of drummers, inhab- 
 itants of the countries of Cannot-i-cut, and of Massa- 
 shoot-its. As a similar kangaroo freely roams in 
 those countries, picking up their living in various 
 ways, by hewing of wood, drawing of water, &c. 
 
 15. But there arose a meddlesome fan-at-its in the 
 North, who could not see the beam in tlieir own eye. 
 and who associated themselves with like spirits in 
 the countries beyond the sea, who denied that God 
 spake unto Moses on Mount Sinai. 
 
 16. And these men of Belial troubled the men of 
 
the South, who said unto them, " would you, if you 
 were in our stead, desire to be so annoyed. Leave 
 us alone, for with us the holding of slaves is not op- 
 posed to christian principles. Leave us alone. Do 
 ye unto others as ye would have them do unto 3'ou " 
 
 16. Slavery through disuse had become objection- 
 able to most nations, and they wished to see it justly 
 abolished. But the big parchment gave no sanction 
 to deprive the men of the several provinces of any of 
 their rights, but it protected them. 
 
 17. Now the men of the South boasted of their chiv- 
 alry, perhaps, but as there was no particular romance 
 connected with it as in olden times, they limited the 
 exercise of it to the defence of their own honor, their 
 rights and their property. Therefore the chivalry 
 stank in the nostrils of the inhabitants of Cannot-i-cut, 
 and of the Massa-shoot-its, 
 
 18. And Avhen the men of the South discovered any 
 of the tribe of Drummers came into their land to dis- 
 tribute their Gospels without peace, they usually col- 
 lected them together and treated them to syrup of 
 pine, with feathers thrown in, and a gratuitous ride 
 on a -rail. 
 
 19. Now there was a mighty tribe belonging to 
 Nuncle Sam, who called themselves Democrats, 
 and they knew the men of the South were determined 
 in maintaining their rights of property. And they 
 opposed the Fan-at-its with all their strength ; for 
 these Fan-at-its had become as grasshopj^ers in 
 ivumbers, and they were a grievous and a wide awake 
 brood. 
 
 20. Now appeared in Gotham, Wind-wall Fill-up, 
 king of the Fan-at-its, and grand turkey of the kan- 
 garoos. And he taught wherever he was trusted for 
 the use of the tabernacles. 
 
 21. And AVind-wall had two thoughts : one was 
 for the nett receipts, and the other was for the 
 niggah. But the big parchment was to him a cove- 
 nant with hell. 
 
 22. Now about these days, the Dead Eabbits payed 
 him a visit at his tabernacle, and made an ojffering of 
 antique eggs. " For " said they, " you come here to 
 
10 
 
 liatcli out pestilent doctrines." And they drove bim. 
 out. 
 
 23. The Eip-publicans or Somepunkinites at this 
 time endeavored to turn away the wrath of the South, 
 bv saying tliat they intended to give that an- 
 tique relic of barbarism, slavery, its quietus, and 
 wanted the poor men of the South to lend a hand by 
 voting their platform. 
 
 24. And the poor men of the South felt very much 
 grieved that they could not see it; and they were 
 vexed bold and said, " we will buy and sell our kan- 
 garoos and take them too, to the terror-to-ri-oos." — 
 And from that day forth, the Know Nothing Knights 
 of the lantern, rushed round in the dark, seeking a 
 place to bump their heads against. 
 
 25. And the Somepunkinites said to the men of the 
 South, " Beloved brethren, we would live with you in 
 peace, yea! you can keep your kangaroos or nig- 
 gahs in your provinces if j^ou can, and we will not 
 molest them. Moreover, we grant you the privilege 
 of selling or killing and making flag-jacks of your 
 kangaroos or niggahs, which the Drummers begat in 
 your land, and those that are left may continue to be 
 bondmen and bondwomen for ever and a day after. 
 And the niggahs that flee from your provinces most 
 probably will be delivered up ; only take care they 
 do not run into the chicken coop of Henry Wore 
 Breeches. Ye shall in no wise take a niggah from 
 there. But you shall not permit your kangaroos to 
 accompany 3'ou into lands belonging to you, in the 
 territories of Nuncle Sam ; nary a niggah that is a 
 slave shall enter there; the big parchment to the con- 
 ti'ary notwithstanHing; Avhich, though it don't pro- 
 hibit it, ought to. 
 
 26. And the men of the South said •' the kangaroos 
 are the property of citzens of the great nation of 
 Nuncle Sam, and must be protected. And if the 
 Great Mogul of the kingdom of Harem Scarern gets 
 offended, because the citizens of Nuncle Sam hold 
 slaves, he must grin and bear it. But the power of 
 this nation should never be used to subvert private 
 and guaranteed rights. The big parchment does not 
 
11 
 
 say, slaves shall not be taken into the territories." 
 
 27. And the men of the South saw that the men of 
 the North had drawn a bead on their kangaroos. 
 
 28. And it came to pass about these days, that a 
 certain man who answered to the name of Charles 
 Summon-her, received a summons on the posterior 
 bobs of his knowledge box, which had the unhappy 
 effect of depriving the world of an untold amount oi 
 erudite effusions, and poetic quotations for the space 
 of a whole year. This Avas the first stroke of the 
 negro on the brain. So Charles was reminded that 
 the under-ground route Aras not a very pleasant one 
 to travel, and declared that the men of the South 
 should not take their niggahs out of their own pro- 
 vinces. 
 
 29. And after these days James the Sage ruled in 
 the land of jS" uncle Sam ; and he was the last of the 
 happy family. 
 
 Chapter TV. 
 
 1. But the evil days drew nigh, when James must 
 cease to rule the children of I^ uncle Sam, for they 
 had gone aside from the straight path. 
 
 2. And the Somepunkinites strove to have A-bah- 
 ram in his room. 
 
 3. And in those days the men of the South were 
 opposed to rams, and chose of themselves a man, and 
 said, " if the men of the North run their A-bah-ram 
 against us we are destroyed, but if our man be chosen, 
 we are again safe for four years and a day." 
 
 4. But the Somepunkinites said to the whole nation 
 of the North, "men and brethren, arise and put on 
 your armour and fight; for your enemy in the South 
 is as a toad in Egypt for strength; you will overcome 
 him, and you have but to tickle him under the fifth 
 rib with a penny bodkin, and he will be at your feet." 
 
12 
 
 Yea, the stench of the carcass is already slightly 
 perceptible. And they did think that the men of the 
 South who were of their own blood, would submit 
 easy. 
 
 5. Moreover the Somcpunkinites knew not that 
 the men of the South thought so much of their rights 
 that they would risk the losing of their whole pro- 
 perty in maintaining them under the big parchment. 
 
 6. Scattered throughout tlie provinces of the North 
 were men of sympathy and of muscle, and they an- 
 swered to the name of Democrats, and they were a 
 mighty people of valor. But they were hated of the 
 Somcpunkinites because they respected the men of 
 the South, and coincided with them in their views 
 respecting the occupation of the territories, and were 
 in favour of every man attending to his own busi- 
 ness and letting his neighbour alone. 
 
 7. And it came to pass that A-bah-ram was chosen, 
 and when one told him, he stretched his legs and 
 said, " There is a little woman at our house that will 
 he glad to hear on it." And this was the first gos- 
 pel of peace preached by Press-i-dent A-bah-ram. 
 
 8. Now the men of the South began to bestir them- 
 selves, and there was a o-atherino; too-other of the 
 tribes, and they said, " We must roll up the big parch- 
 ment, for it is ripped, and build us a house to keep it 
 in, for this A-bah-ram seeketh to devour us. 
 
 9. And there was a man of the South called Ste- 
 vens, and he lifted up his voice, and told them to take 
 it easy, not to push too hard, not to squeeze the 
 big-parchment into limited quarters. But his was a 
 penny whistle in an earthquake; the quake came, 
 and he turned up, second lidcUe in the new Colum- 
 bia. 
 
 10. The fire-eaters Avho w^ere in the fore-front on 
 both sides,inflamed their passions with Helper book ^ 
 and satiated their love of freedom with John Brown's 
 pikes. At last the fire-eaterrs werj laid to sleep with 
 soothing syrup, and the men of tie South went to 
 work with a will, and the men of the North were 
 not backward in coming forward to the work. 
 
 11. And the Small-punkins in the North had given 
 
13 
 
 their ear to the winning cooings of the Somepunkin- 
 itee, who said, "The Democrats are an evil genera- 
 tion, for they rule the nation with a heavy yoke, 
 and place their screws upon you, and squeeze out of 
 you your substance, your silver, and your gold. They 
 entwine themselves into your affections that they 
 may get your vote and an office. And there, with 
 their taxes, they suck your life-blood, while they fan 
 you with their bills." And so were the Small-punk- 
 ins sold unto the Somepunkinites. 
 
 12. 'Now the Small-punkins and the Somepunkin- 
 ites thought when men offered or accepted compro- 
 mise they crawled around on all-fours, like a kanga- 
 roo or niggah with a stomach-ache. 
 
 13. But the Democrats said, "Let us compromise 
 with the men of the vSouth; they are our brothers; 
 compromise, if we can so use the term, by conceding 
 to them the right of taking their kangaroos into the 
 territories which we hold with them, and which they 
 have the right to do; grant them this, for this is 
 all they ask, and afterwards, when the ]3eople of 
 such territories desire to become a new province, let 
 them, by vote, determine whether the new province 
 shall be free or slave." 
 
 14. But there was no compromise, and the men of 
 the South put their shoulders to the wheel, and their 
 ears in their pocket, and would crush our A-bah-ram 
 under their Jug-of-nought. 
 
 15. And in' those days there was a man who an- 
 swered to the name of Can-i-die. And he was so 
 called because he was always trying to get his head 
 into the lion's mouth, but was never able to come 
 square up to his calling. And he was chief captain 
 of a superior order of blue-coats, and withal men of 
 buttons and staves. Now in Georgy resided a man 
 named Tombs, because there were bones in him. 
 And his spirit was restless, and he had an eye to the 
 future. 
 
 16. And Can-i-die, seeking means to make away 
 with himself, found ^ms going off to Georgy, and 
 straightway he took them unto himself. 
 
 17. Then Tombs sent a letter unto Fernando, chief 
 
14 
 
 of the Man-liat-ons. And the letter said, '• Why 
 keep ye the arms, give them up, for we intend to 
 give them to you at another time." 
 
 18. And Fernando, who was a lawyer as well as a 
 chief, lifted up his voice and said, " Can-i-die took 
 the guns, thinking thereby he did a big thing ; but 
 as your great war hath not begun, I cannot see ex- 
 actly my right in retaining them, but by and by 
 perhaps it will be different. Get ye your guns." And 
 it was so. 
 
 19. Now Fernando loved office, though therein 
 diff'ereth he not from many men. And he bowed 
 him unto the golden calf, but therein is he likened 
 unto many more than can be reckoned. For too 
 many seek wherewithal to mete unto themselves the 
 good things of this life. And at the same time he 
 had regard unto the men of the South, for they sought 
 but their own. And therein is he damned by the 
 Somepunkinites or Eip-publicans. 
 
 20. And the men of the South kept their shoulders 
 to the' wheel. And James the Sage, looking both 
 sides full in the face, trembled for the future welfare 
 of his country; for he saw that the Eip-publicans 
 prevailed, and that they were bound to rule and 
 ruin. And he raised his hand and said, " Peace, be 
 still, till I surrender the reins to A-bah-ram. If you 
 will not have a settlement, attempt not to force me 
 into any overt act. The flame may be smothered in 
 one place, but to break forth in an hundred other 
 places. I hold to the defensive. I am opposed to 
 all your party measures, for I conceive them to be 
 the primary cause next after those of your allies, the 
 abolitionists, of all our difficulties. But I hold to 
 the defensive in hopes, however delusive they may 
 ultimately prove, in hopes that my country may not 
 be divided. I hold to the defensive." His term ex- 
 pired, and the last of the happy family retired to the 
 acceptable shades of retirement. 
 
 21. And A-bah-ram ruled in his stead, and he was 
 a mighty man of jokes, and he was considerably 
 longer than he was broad, and he had captains to 
 do battle against the men of the South, and the men 
 of the South pushed his captains, and the thousands 
 
15 
 
 under them, to the wall, and they did run, and the 
 banner Avas humbled. 
 
 22. And the men of the North Avhen they heard 
 of the discomfiture, took to the military business in 
 great earnestness and zeal. 
 
 23. Kow all right-thinking men had great rever- 
 ence and love for the big-parchment, for under it the 
 nation had grown and spread itself as the bay-tree, 
 so that no other nation but felt the shadow of its 
 wnngs. Wooden clocks and wooden nutmegs from 
 Cannot-i 3ut had penetrated to the remotest coun- 
 tries. The boots and shoes of Massa-slioots-it had 
 not only embraced the hind feet of the Southern 
 kangaroo or niggahs, but they had made themselves 
 felt^upon the e'xtremities of the inhabitants of the 
 most distant climes. The red-flannel shirts of all 
 Noo-Ingland had covered the nakedness of the 
 smallest kangaroo on the coast of Africa, while the 
 poor white man at its own doors did not wear that 
 material but contented himself with shoddy. So we 
 see that the products of the industry of the northern 
 provinces of this great country permeated the remot- 
 est intestinal windings of coinmerce, bringing in re- 
 turn into the hands of industry, as a reward, a good 
 fat prophet, mammon. 
 
 24. And about these days the Democrats said 
 '' All hope is nov\^ nearly vanished, we fear the South 
 cannot be brought back. Behold we must fight 
 those who were' our brothers. And men of Belial 
 brought false accusations against the democrats. 
 And now war was in the land. 
 
16 
 
 Chapter Y. 
 
 1. AdcI it came to pass that a certain Major And- 
 her-son and company of ninety men pitched them- 
 selves into Some-tar, and stuck close to the stars and 
 stripes. For a multitude of men to the number of 
 five thousand, be the same more or less, belonging 
 to Charles Stone, as was generally supposed, attacked 
 them. And this multitude, with malice aforethought, 
 did overcome the ninety, and they were driven forth 
 from the strong-hole. And immediately A-bah-ram 
 did elevate his horns to the moon, and with one 
 blast did pi'oclaim, what had been for some time 
 withheld. He called on the men of Nuncle Sam to 
 come to the scratch, and betake Some-tar and other 
 strong-holes and run up the banner again. And the 
 men of G-otham gathered themselves at the Hall 
 called Cooper's to drive home the hoops, and make 
 the Union tighter. And Fernando the chief was 
 there, and he wept big tears that the banner had 
 been fired into. And every Somepunkinite that day 
 who had falsely accused the democrats of disloyalty 
 drew their heads within their shells. 
 
 2. And Fernando reasoned thus : '^ We are fallen 
 in evil days, but we must fight the Somepunkinites 
 in their own way, for they seek the great offices, and 
 there is no trust to be placed in anj^ prince unless 
 you be that prince." And he continued to be chief 
 ruler of the city. 
 
 3. And about this time many of the ^)olitical war- 
 horses trotted out and gathered together the multi- 
 tudes; and one among tliem lifted up his melodious 
 voice and said, " Fellow citizens, give ear unto me, for 
 my voice is still for war, and may the still, small 
 voice of peace be smothered till our enemies be 
 placed beneath our feet, for they have defied our 
 great chief and magistrate, shot down our flag and 
 trailed it in the dust, and the men of the South are 
 makii\g themselves felt. 
 
 4. And Fernando said unto the people : " He that 
 is with the country is with me, he that is without 
 
17 
 
 the country is not with me. Therefore hearken unto 
 me, my fellow citizens. Put ye every man his 
 shoulder to the wheel, and every man his hand to his 
 pocket, for this war must go forward till it ends; 
 and it will never end without the means to that end. 
 Now therefore make ye every man strong in green 
 backs, and thcreb}^ strengthen up the back bone of 
 the nation. By the strength of the back bone is the 
 camel enabled to bear great burthens ; and without 
 it he would not be worth his oats. By the strength 
 of the back bone is the sea serpent enabled to pick a 
 child from off the poop deck of a man of war. There- 
 fore, my fellow citizens strengthen ye up the back 
 bone of the nation, and I will be w4th you." 
 
 5. And there was a certain man of Belial standing 
 b}^ who asked Fernando if that was the serpent we 
 read of in Scripture that seeketh after men's souls. 
 And Fernando answered and said; "Ye need not 
 trouble yourself, my friend, on that point; you are 
 insured against that calamity. He has thine al- 
 ready," 
 
 6. And Fernando had a brother, and his name was 
 Benjamin; and he was a dealer in gold and silver. 
 And certain men of Belial waxed exceeding wroth 
 against him ; for he was weak on the back bone, and 
 would not give himself over to fight for the kanga- 
 roo and a brother. Neither Avould he wash himself 
 clean of his old thoughts and put on the new order 
 of things; and he was withal stubborn. And he 
 grieved himself with big grief that the tomahaAvk 
 had departed from the halls of Tammany, and that 
 the warriors could no longer sing the pean of vic- 
 tory. 
 
 7. And he told the people back bone was a hum- 
 bug, and Benjamin could handle the quill, and could 
 walk upright without blinking. And he became a 
 lawgiver; and he was very liberal in his gifts. 
 
 8. Now in these days the warriors of the South 
 country withstood the warriors of the North coun- 
 try. And the warriors of the North country with- 
 stood the warriors of the South country sometimes. 
 For the warriors of the South country would set 
 
18 
 
 traps and catch the v/arriors of the jN'orth country. 
 And it was very grievous. Moreover the warriors 
 of the North would withhold themselves in winter 
 quarters till the time of action was past, and there 
 Avait for something to turn up, which was generally 
 found in the shape of a Stonewall. Moreover kan- 
 o'aroos were employed in constructing earth-works 
 over which the warriors of the North often stumbled 
 and hurt themselves and others very grievously. 
 Moreover they had other big guns besides the kanga- 
 roos which w^ent off also, and made great noises, 
 and brake doAvn great trees, which often grievously 
 wounded the Northern warriors, Avho would lay 
 down Hat on their bellies. 
 
 9. Now the people of the South country were in 
 much wonder when they saw such multitudes from 
 the North country trot down towards them, so they 
 betook themselves to Bull Eon; and the warriors of 
 the North country, not liking the appearance of the 
 country there, returned. 
 
 10. Now the chief rulers of the South saw that 
 there was going to be big fights. And they gathered 
 together the scribes, and they caused to go forth 
 a pro-claim-a-nation calling out the men of war in 
 great numbers. And they covered the land with 
 tents, and were as grass-hoppers upon the land. 
 And the}' did eat up the substance of the land. And 
 the men of the North countrj^ were very much afraid 
 lest their brethren of the South might consume 
 themselves. And the men of the North cried " The/ 
 have consumed their corn, and their wheat, and ail 
 green things. And their oxen and their sheep, and 
 their hogs, and all things that creep upon the 
 ground. And we fear us much lest they consume 
 one the other, and there may be no one wherewith 
 we may contend." For there were contractors in 
 those days. And they were numerous and bold. 
 And they made it their business to see that the bods 
 of the warriors were well tucked up; that they did 
 not lay out in the cold, and w^et and spoil their 
 clothes. And these were men of shoddy among the 
 contractors who spun not, neither did they do 
 
19 
 
 honestly. But they Avere frugal, and they gathered 
 together remnants of old clothes, and did thereunto 
 api^ly a mechanical grinding process; and did turn 
 out jackets and trousers for the warriors that were 
 already to wear out. 
 
 11. And at this time there were men in the South 
 country Avho desired to go to the North country, hut 
 they could not. And they crept into holes, and into 
 pits; and they were in a sore and grievious strait. 
 And they cried unto A-hah-ram to come and take 
 them. And he did not. 
 
 12. And in the ]^orth country affairs worked easy, 
 and men were at ease and lived pleasantly, for there 
 was as yet no draft. But there were spies in the 
 land of " A-bah-ram, and they were grievous to be 
 borne, for they helped their masters in the land of 
 the kangaroo. 
 
 13. Now in the South country were big captains, 
 men who hit too hard and in the wrong place. And 
 one of these answered to the name of Jeff, and he 
 became first chief and magistrate in the new Col- 
 umbia. 
 
 14. Now a certain man of Belial in the land of 
 Nuncle Sam accused Jeff' of not paying his debts, but 
 repudiating the same. And Jeff became exceeding 
 Avroth at this, and went, with certain others, and 
 carried away brick from the house of Nuncle Sam, 
 and built up a house of their own. xVnd for this 
 wickedness is he surnamed the brick. 
 
 15. Now Jeff in the days of yore was a man 
 of considerable size, and stood well on his legs, and 
 was trotted into Mex-i-go, and fought there, and 
 became a war horse and led a thousand. 
 
 16. Now on the other side of the seas there is an 
 island, and it is so from the fact that the waters are 
 around it, else it might be a part of a contiguous 
 country which hath a nap on it. And on this island 
 lives a very large Bull with exceeding" great horns. 
 And he is a wonderful animal to look at; and he 
 answers to the name of Jhoanny Bhull, and looks 
 happy when so addressed. And he is at the head 
 of a happy family. And he is a very good Bhull 
 
20 
 
 in his way ; but is exceeding cross when he is out of 
 his way. And he is moi*eover inclined to help those 
 who help themselves, provided always that they 
 keep their hands in their own pocket And as he is 
 a roarer himself, he likes those who can make a 
 noise in the world, with the aforesaid proviso 
 alwaj^s. jN^ow there came a ram from the new 
 Columbia unto the great BhuU. And he sought aid 
 and comfort, and he had a strong back bone, 
 and strong horns; andJhoanny was pleased, and 
 took him to his bosom, and nursed him there a 
 certain number of days, and then told him to go 
 and do his best. And it was so. 
 
 17. i^ow when the nation of Nuncle Sam heard 
 of this, they waxed exceeding wroth, and smote 
 their own bosom, and stamped with their feet on to 
 the ground, and talked with big voice against 
 Jhoann}^ EhuU. And the Somepunkinites or Eip- 
 2:)ublicans cried in an exceeding loud voice unto 
 A-bah-ram, saying, " The nabobs, and the bobroyals 
 of Jhoanny Bhull calculate on ruining this country, 
 and scoff at us. And there were in the land of 
 Jhoanny Bhull uncertain scribes and pharisees who 
 wrote against the great country of Nuncle Sam. 
 And they struck hands with the Somepunkinites in 
 a quiet way, and they were used by the Somepunkin- 
 ites or Eip-publicans, and were well paid. 
 
 18. And the nabobs and the bobroyals and the 
 bobarounds of the kingdom of Jhoanny Bhull said, 
 " The Kebel-lion is around, his mane is up and his 
 tail is down, and the kingdom of Nuncle Sam may 
 against itself be divided forever and a day. And, 
 w^e in future may be contented in looking at two 
 turkey cocks instead of one. 
 
 19. Now the nabobs, the bobro3'als, and the 
 bobarounds were given to mirth, and like a tallow 
 candle were consumers of the fat of the land. 
 
 20. And the rulers of Jhoanny Bhull published unto 
 the four quarters of the earth, that in the war 
 between the men of the jS'orth and the men of the 
 South, that Jhoanny would consider them square, that 
 both sides were equal to the top and bottom^ but that 
 
21 
 
 the Soath side stuck out a -'leetle farther" than the 
 ^""orth side. And the nabobs, the bobroyals and 
 the bobarounds who were given to mirth, whispered 
 into the ears of the uncertain scribes who were in 
 the pay of the Eip-publicans that Jhoanny intended 
 to hang his hat on it. 
 
 21. And the nabobs, the bobroyals, the boba- 
 rounds, the uncertain scribes and the pharisees of 
 the kingdom of Jhoanny Bhull, and the Some-punkin- 
 ites or Eip-publicans of Nuncle Sam struck hands. 
 
 22. And the dealers in the products of the bowels 
 of the earth, in iron, in coal, in brimstone, and in 
 saltpetre, of the kingdom of Jhoanny BhuU w^ere ex- 
 ceeding sorrowful that they would be called upon to 
 furnish those requisites to the two brothers in arms, 
 and in sorrow they laboured in the night season 
 also, and the getters-up of rams were not idle; and 
 in process of time the rams were seen upon the great 
 deep. And they carried their noses under the water, 
 and their arms in their belly. And they smoked at 
 the pipe which they carried on their backs. And 
 they had a wheel at their sterns w^hich revolved like 
 a windmill under water; and therewith proceeded 
 they on their mission of mischief. And they had 
 scales of iron on their sides and on their heads, 
 which were exceeding thick; and this was their 
 defence, but their offence w^as in their arms. 
 
 23. And thus w^as the Eebel-lion streno:thened in 
 the land of Jhoanny Bhull. 
 
 '&" 
 
 Chapter YI. 
 
 1. ^ow A-bah-ram had no use for his honesty, for 
 he carried his eyes in the head of a Sewer, and his 
 ears were attached to the same premises. But he 
 thought it was for the best, and therein perhaps was 
 his error. 
 
99 
 
 2. Moreover made he friends also of the mam- 
 moths of unrighteousness. For they of his appoint- 
 ment carried great pockets ; and their chief hihor 
 lay in increasing the size thereof. And they under- 
 stood not the duties whereunto they were called. 
 And A-bah-rani was sorely provoked; and he put 
 his foot down heavy, and took it up light, for the 
 floor was hard and their heads were harder. And 
 the Somepunkinitcs who had exalted him cried out 
 
 against him. 
 
 3. And about these days -the people of the ]N"orth 
 countrj^ found that it must be fight. 
 
 4. For the men of the South country kept on their 
 legs as though they had no bellies to crawl on. Now 
 the Somepunkinites were exceeding desirous to push 
 the Democrats to the wall. And they spake all 
 manner of evil against them, and spat upon them, 
 hoping that they might never more get into office. 
 For the Somepunkinitcs had the loaves and the 
 fishes; but were willing the Democrats should have 
 the spirit of the big-parchment, for therein they 
 themselves abided not. 
 
 6. And this exceeding bitterness of the Somepun- 
 kinitcs towards the Democrats caused them to 
 "kinder feel" a pleasure in the discomfiture of Eip- 
 publicans, but they yielded up their lives and their 
 treasure to the necessities of their country. 
 
 6. Now A-bah-ram was exceedingly unfortunate 
 in the investment of the nation's funds. And the 
 Democrats laughed the Somepunkinitcs to scorn. 
 But they still hoped for the Union. 
 
 7. And about this time when the afi'airs of the 
 nation were in a great strait, certain of the Demo- 
 crats said one to the other " AYhat say ye to an armi- 
 stice for a few days or a few weeks, to see if at this 
 late day the men of the South would not come back 
 upon yielding them their rights in the territories, 
 and in matters touching the return of escaped kanga- 
 roos. 
 
 8. And they communicated their thoughts to the 
 big chiefs of Tammany; for they were in former 
 times great in the councils of the nation. And they 
 
2S 
 
 could scent the designs of their enemies the Some- 
 pnukinites, and understood them, and knew their 
 hearts, that they were wicked, that their purpose 
 was to crush out slavery in the South, root and 
 branch, that the power of the nation was in their 
 hands to do it. And they advised their brethren to 
 lay by their pipe of j)eace, or piece of pipe, and con- 
 tinue to carry the tomahawk. 
 
 9. About tins time a letter got abroad among the 
 men of the Korth, touching a peaceful separation. 
 And they who got it up were called peace men. But 
 as has already been entered upon this record, the 
 democrats proper had already ceased to make efforts 
 of conciliation, with, or through the Somepunkinites, 
 or any other punkinites, nabobs, bobroyals, or bob- 
 arounds, domestic or foreign. 
 
 lU. And tlie Hang-high rooster of the great Some- 
 punkins crowed aloud for an adversary. But there 
 was not one to be found so low as to meet him. 
 
 11. And the Hano'-bio-h rooster seeins; no one dis- 
 posed to scratch him, gathered his feathers and strut- 
 ted to his dung-heap. 
 
 12. And the Somepunkinites were exceeding great 
 blowers, and carried with them great pipes, which 
 were liivc unto bag-pipes for noise, wherewithal they 
 kept themselves before the people, and terror-fried 
 the democrats. 
 
 13. Now the the great chieftains, the sachems and 
 the w^arriors of the tent of Tammany had girded up 
 their loins and stood in battle array, to do for their 
 country, as the powers that ruled might see tit; 
 whether to march and meet the foe, or barter their 
 war-club for an exemption certificate. And they 
 were patriotic and bold. But their other enemy, the 
 Somepunkinites, stayed at home in great multitudes, 
 and watched their opportunity to do the democrats 
 under the fifth rib. 
 
 14. But the chiefs and the sachems left a reserve 
 guard to protect their homes, their wives, and their 
 offices. Now the chiefs of the tribes were 
 
 15. Fernando, tlie chief and magisti-ate of the 
 great city, the city of Gotham, and Benjamin his 
 
♦ 24 
 
 brother. James and Erastus were brother Brooks, 
 and they drove an Express, and rode rough shod 
 over the ioe, the Somepuukinites. But Samuel was 
 more smooth and oily, and was a brother politically. 
 And Hiram was a bee and kept buz-zing, and kept 
 his foe Wide Awake in hot water. Elijah was an old 
 war horse that snorted through the streets of the 
 city; and he smelt the battle afar; and was in the 
 forefront of the hottest battles, and with his war- 
 club doing under the fifth rib of his adversaries. 
 And Isaiah was a big brave. And a cannonier of no 
 small bore. And in his day has done the State no 
 small service. And he knew a Somepunkinite from 
 a mermaid. And Isaiah dreamed a big dream, and 
 the gates of the city park were thrown open, and 
 the Somepuukinites or Eip-publicans, and their broth- 
 ers, the Fan-at-its, from the greatest, and they were 
 not great, unto the minutest of the tribes, all and 
 singly, so there was not left a stray hair that apper- 
 tained unto them in all the city, were led captives 
 in chains at the wheels of the chariots of the big 
 chiefs and sachems. And they were led forth of the 
 city to an island called Barren. And they were 
 •delivered up to the inhabitants thereof, to be dealt 
 with as in their discretion was most profitable; but 
 Lever ,more to be returned to the beloved city of 
 Gotham. And Isaiah awoke from his sleep, and he 
 sighed a very big sigh. 
 
 16. And all the chiefs, sachems and warriors had 
 their war paint on. And they served the city in its 
 need, and took their chances for office. And they 
 Btood by the big parchment as it was at the begin- 
 ning; for it embraced the fundamental principles 
 ui^on which the nation was based. 
 
 17. And there was a man of Belial, in those days, 
 who went about stealthily and privily prying into 
 affairs that pertaineth not unto this record. And the 
 name that he afterwards assumed unto himself was 
 St. Benjamin. 
 
 18. And a certain Avoman, a lady, came to the 
 North. And her husband was not with her, and 
 therefore St. Benjamin, thinking her comely, looked 
 upon her. 
 
25 
 
 19. And the minions of N uncle Sam notified Can-i- 
 die to put her in ward. 
 
 20. Now St. Benjamin, who was a knight, but not 
 of the chivalry, followed close at her skirts, and he 
 records that one of the chiefs of Tammany, who 
 guarded the homes, and the wives, and the offices of 
 the warriors who were fighting in the battles of their 
 country ; and moreover, at the same time protected 
 defenceless cri-no-lines, rescued her from Can-i-die, 
 and she was let go free. 
 
 21. And St. Benjamin became very tedious in his 
 pursuits, and he laid himself down and slept. 
 
 22. And about these days A-bah-ram stretched his 
 legs, and sent and took certain discontents under his 
 wings, treated them to a little dungeon; tickled 
 them with a feather, and let them go. 
 
 23. And immediately the chiefs, sachems and war- 
 riors who w-ere left to guard the homes, the wives, 
 and the offices of the warriors who had gone to fight 
 the battles of their country, raised a great outcry 
 against such proceedings. 
 
 * 24. For the big parchment granted freedom ot 
 speech, but the mouth of the slanderer could be shut 
 up. And the men of the nation liked to speak their 
 
 minds. , . ^ 
 
 25. But in the time of Eebel-lions this law was 
 swallowed up, and a man and a brother could be 
 taken up on a shadow— of a suspicion, or through 
 false information of an enemy, and be placed in 
 Lauffhy.yet to weep for months. , 
 
 26 And the men of the North elevated their 
 voices, and talked big words to A-bah-ram, and told 
 him plainly and by vote, that his men of authority 
 must not exercise unlawfully the power placed in 
 their hands. „ ,. , - 
 
 27. And he repented him of his own folly, and ot 
 the folly of the men in his authority. 
 
26 
 
 Chapter YII. 
 
 1. Now about this time the spirit of peace stirred 
 up the bosom of Fernando. And he was in a sore 
 strait; and he strove with the spirit, and the spirit 
 overcame him, and he was subjected unto it. And 
 he buttoned up his coat, and went forth as one man, 
 by himself, Avith his pipe, which was the emblem of 
 peace. And he abided his time, that he might smoke 
 it in the councils of the nation. And he saw an 
 opening. 
 
 2. And he said to the other chiefs, sachems and 
 warriors who were left to guard the homes, the wives 
 and the offices of the Avarriors who had gone to fight 
 the battles of their country, " I am going a long 
 journey.'' And they said, " Whither goeth thou ?" 
 And he said, " I go a-fishing." 
 
 3 — 4. And he afterwards sent heralds and sum- 
 moned the chiefs. 
 
 5. And said, " Gather ye every man his loins unto 
 himself, and appear ye every man at the Hall of the 
 Cooper, both inside and outside, for ye are a big mul- 
 titude, that ye may bear witness to my words of 
 peace." 
 
 6. Now the Hall of the Cooper was not a small 
 place, neither was it a largo hall wherein was done 
 the tinkering of barrels and of kegs. But the name 
 whereby it was knoAvn appertaineth unto a grave 
 and venerable Knickerbocker, who stuck to the occu- 
 pations whereunto he applied himself, and acquired 
 an abundance of lucre of gold and of silver. And 
 he builded of his superabundance the big outside and 
 left the hollow which is called the Hall. He gave 
 the big outside and Hall unto the city, and the place 
 was named after him. And he was a good man, with 
 an exceeding curious beard; but he afterwards gave 
 himself unto the Somepunkinites. And the man of 
 Belial who took unto himself the name of St. Benja- 
 min, though he Avas neither a saint, nor a Benjamin, 
 followed at the skirts of Peter who was not a cooper 
 by trade, and told marvellous stories intended for liis 
 hurt, but which pertaineth not unto this record. 
 
27 
 
 7. And Fernando the Chief who was possessed of 
 the' good spirit of peace, but yet was indiscreet, 
 looked in vain for the assembling of the chiefs, the 
 sachems, and the warriors who were left to guard the 
 homes, the wnves, and the offices of the braves who 
 had gone to fight the battles of their country. 
 
 8. They came not to the Hall of Peter who was 
 not a cooper by trade. 
 
 9. But they gathered themselves together, and one 
 among them said, " The Cxospel of Peace was preached 
 by us'before the coming of the war, it pertaineth not 
 now unto us. For the people have been led as sheep 
 to the slaughter, and abide by their A-bah-ram, the 
 tinkling of''w4iose bell is sweet unto them, and they 
 follow whithersoever it listeth." 
 
 10. '' What think ye w^e can do ? Preach the gos- 
 pel of peace as we did in the olden time before the 
 days of the war ? ]S^ay, we must abide our time." 
 
 11. '• For as our preaching w^as despised in the 
 olden time, and as A-bah-ram doth locomote in our 
 room, and hath in a measure cast us out; and the 
 land is made desolate, we must again strengthen up 
 our back-bone and gather in the votes of the people, 
 that we may again be a mighty multitude. 
 
 12—13. But a few of the warriors who were given 
 now and then to taste of the fire-water, made trail to 
 the Hall of Peter who was not a cooper by trade, to 
 hearken unto Fernando the Chief, who was possessed 
 by the good spirit of eace, bput was indiscreet. 
 
 14. And Isaiah who smiled was there, and many of 
 the smaller fry than he were there. 
 
 15. And there Avere there a great number of the 
 followers of the camp of the Democrats in the olden 
 time, the Hi-hi-ites, the Muguglies, the Skylights, tne 
 Tite-ites, the High-tites, the Low-tites, the Palver- 
 ites, who hailed mostly from the Bow^-wow-ry, a 
 broadway that leadeth unto the Hall called Cooper's 
 in the one direction, and in the other direction unto 
 the hall called City Hall. And these two ends were 
 not so far apart as they measured. And Can-i-die 
 reigned at times in both ; and he sometimes makes 
 hi mself felt in both ; and sometimes getteth felt in 
 
28 
 
 return, but it is not the felt that appertaineth unto 
 the hat, for therein differeth he from other men, for 
 he wears not a hat, but an exceeding shining castor 
 called a caj). 
 
 16. Now these men of Gath were bent on mischief, 
 and they were exceeding great in numbers. And 
 they believed Fernando had become exceeding 
 pious. 
 
 17. And Fernando buttoned up his coat and stood 
 forth. And the Ili-hi-ites paid him such a compli- 
 ment that Can-i-die thought his time was come, but 
 it wasn't; and he kept his head out of the lion's 
 mouth, and drew it into his castor called a cap, and 
 waited. 
 
 18. Now Fernando lifted up his voice and said, 
 "Give ear unto my voice, ye sons of Gotham, and lay 
 unto your bosoms my few remarks. My voice is 
 now still for war. Yea, it remaineth quite still on 
 that. I come to sing you a little song of peace, and 
 not me only, for I know full well that you will join 
 me in the good song [Hi, Hi, good for Fernando,]. 
 Beloved friends, we have stumbled upon troublesome 
 times. The blood of the men that have fallen uj^on 
 the slaughter-fields of our beloved country was shed 
 upon the altar of no ignoble cause, but shed because 
 the hellish actions of a Northern tribe created a 
 necessity for it. Think ye that I am not for the 
 Union? Think ye that I would not have parted 
 with my raiment, with my silver and my gold, all 
 that man holds dear on earth, to have saved that 
 Union ? I tell you I would have j^arted with them 
 as a man parteth with all to defend his life from the 
 midnight assassin. Is this the issue of a traitor s 
 lips ? I speak not so much for myself as I but 
 express the sentiment, the principle of eve^y good 
 Democrat. Connect ye not these principles with my 
 desire for office; I may seek office, as other men seek 
 for their gold and their silver, but with them 1 may 
 still hold to my love of country. I still pray that 
 the blessings of peace may soon beam upon our 
 homes; that parents, wives, brothers and sisters may 
 no more be called upon to shed great tears for the 
 
29 
 
 loss of loved ones. These are my feelings, this my 
 weakness ^' 
 
 19. " There ma}^ be Democrats who do not reason 
 or feel as myself, but I seek not to differ with any." 
 
 20. And the Hi-hi-ites, the Skylights, the Tite-ites, 
 and the High-tites were struck dumb. 
 
 21. Again Fernando opened his mouth and said 
 " Fellow-citizens, the times are perilous. Cleave ye 
 every man unto what seemeth right in his own eyes. 
 But be ye mindful that there are high and mighty 
 governing laws implanted deeply in every man's 
 nature, they are Justice and Eight, and they are not 
 so deeply placed but at an effort they can be brought 
 to his comprehension. In asking or desiring peace, 
 1 ask it not at the expense of the Union; but with a 
 philanthropic certainty of a future union through a 
 present temporar}^ cessation of hostilities. But the 
 great Somepunkinites or Eip-publicans seek first 
 only to set the kangaroo free, and next to creep upon 
 their bellies before the men of the South.'' 
 
 23. And when the Hi-hi-tites, the Skylights, the 
 Tite-ites and the High-tites heard that saying of let- 
 ting go free the kangaroo, they gave one very big 
 groan. 
 
 23, And Fernando continued, " The union of the 
 States was intended by our forefathers to be perma- 
 nent. Yet the destruction of the fundamental prin- 
 ciples upon which that union was based, their destruc- 
 tion I say, Avould leave the aggrieved provinces the 
 moral right of taking care of themselves, if they 
 could. My friends, good night." 
 
 24 — 25. And Fernando became sick, and Isaiah 
 took his place, and said, " My friends, this is sudden 
 and unexpected, but I will do my best to tell you 
 great truths. The Somepunkinites, my friends, are 
 cruel in their kindness. Their love to the kangaroo 
 is the love wolves show to lambs, rooting them from 
 their pleasant homes, and killing them with kind- 
 ness. There is no use in talking peace. AYhat is 
 the use of it, it cometh not by talking; but it comes, 
 my friends, by fighting. If you do not believe me 
 ask Can-i-die, and he will tell you that he has been 
 
80 
 
 fighting all his life, and he is perhaps in a state o, 
 peace with himself and the rest of mankind. Butf 
 my friends, it will not do for me to speak in this 
 dissolute manner, for we are assembled here for a 
 higher purpose. Peace — may my bak bon be broke 
 if I see it. A kangaroo orniggar likes peace for he 
 then can eat his bread at his master's expense, rob 
 the hen-roost and suck the setting egg, and take 
 unto^each the other a wife, and have grown unto 
 them little kianga-roos 
 
 26. And Isaiah blew his proboscis and continued, 
 *'Ye boys of G-otham, see ye not how your master 
 A-bah-ram seeketh the continuance of the war by 
 speaking peacefully unto the men of the Noi^th, by 
 uttering jokes which you yourselves might be proud 
 to utter. And ye see how pleasantly everj^thing 
 glides along like an eel in a mill-race; but there may 
 be, my friends, an old gentleman with a pitch-fork at 
 the end of it. But, my dear friends, it is not good to 
 look at the end of matters, for that is not warlike. 
 We must look to the means to that end; to the 
 money, to the silver, and to the gold. 
 
 27. My friends, we will get used to this war, for 
 life is short ; one day fleeth unto another day, one 
 month fleeth unto another month, one year fleeth 
 unto another year, and Ave fleeth unto another world, 
 and our places in the big wigwam knoweth us no 
 more. 
 
 28. Now the blessings of war are seen on every 
 side : the carpenter is busy with his lumber -, the 
 stone-cutter thrives in chiseling uj^on grave-stones 
 the names of the happy departed warriors ; the miller 
 is busy in the mill, with heavy stakes to reward his 
 industry ; the iron-founder moulds swamp-angels, 
 A-bah-ram's true messengers of peace unto the 
 benighted ; and he will have his reward. So you see, 
 my friends, we will all get our rewards by working 
 for the war. 
 
 29. Let this war continue, my friends, for peace is 
 in the belly of the war and we must abide the 
 delivery." 
 
 30. Now there was a son of Belial in the crowd 
 
31 
 
 who cried out to Isaiah "What of the copperheads?" 
 And Isaiah answered and said, " I'll tell thee, my 
 friend. Thou hast heard how in the olden time there 
 were ab'olitionists ? Well, they were a species of a 
 Shang-High, and they layed a very large egg. Now 
 there appeared something very odd about that egg, 
 for the oldest hens had sat upon it, but there was no 
 hatch in it. And this continued for years ; and a 
 generation of old hens, male and female, of the abo- 
 lition brood had tried in vain to get anything out of 
 it. At last there came a wooly horse from Califor- 
 nia, and he answered to the name of Fre-mount. 
 And being a Shang-High of the brood of Eip-pub- 
 licans, he scratched acquaintance with the abolition- 
 ists. And the two parties built a platform upon 
 which they placed a nest to their satisfaction; and 
 in that nest they placed that egg', and on that egg 
 they placed Fre-mount. And he tried hard to hatch 
 it, and as some supposed, came very near doing it. 
 But he failed. Then they tried A-bah-ram, and after 
 a persevering effort he succeeded, my friends, he 
 succeeded, for forthwith appeared the viper, called 
 the copperhead. So you see the egg was laid by the 
 Abolitionists, audit was afterwards hatched out by 
 the Eip-publicans. But they both denied the par- 
 entage ; and, have ever since been trying to place 
 the stigma on some other party. And it continueth 
 so, even unto this day. My friend, good night." 
 
 31. Now Fernando, who had recovered him of his 
 sickness, arose and said, " Peace and free speech 
 shall prevail ^vhen — " 
 
 32. Now certain men of Belial who are contractors, 
 and withal men of shoddy, -and who from curiosit}^ 
 had come to the gathering, cried out with exceeding 
 loud voices, "Thou art a man of peace, and a traitor, 
 for you would stop the war.'' Now the Skj-lights, 
 the Pulver-ites, the Tite-ites, and the High-tites were 
 exceeding wroth at this, and cried out against the 
 men of Belial. But Fernando waved his hand, and 
 there was peace. 
 
 33. And Fernando said to the men of Belial, who 
 were of the contractors called Shoddy, " Sirs, you 
 
32 
 
 do intrude yourselves and art impertinent ; but as ye 
 desire an answer, and art worthy, ye shall have it. 
 I will tell thee a story, very likely new unto thee. 
 " In ancient days there was a man, and his name 
 was Paul, an apostle of the living God, and he 
 preached peace ; and he journeyed to a city called 
 Ephesus. And the people of that city worshipped 
 an idol called Diana. And in that country were 
 many idols made of silver, also. And Paul was 
 mighty in his speech. Now a certain man named 
 Demetrius, a silver-smith, which made silver shrines 
 for Diana, brought no small gain imto the crafts- 
 men; wdiom he called together with the workmen of 
 like occupation, and said, " Sirs, ye know that by 
 this craft we have our wealth ; moreover ye see and 
 hear, that not alone at Ephesus, but almost through- 
 out all Asia, this Paul hath persuaded and turned 
 away much people, saying, there be no gods which 
 are made with hands ; so this our craft is in danger 
 to be set at nought. And when they heard these 
 sayings, they were full of wrath, and cried out say- 
 ing, ' G-reat is Diana of the Ephesians.''" 
 
 34. And Fernando paused, and Shoddy skedaddled. 
 
 35. 'Now Isaiah only sat down to get an opportu- 
 nity to get up, for he was a restive war-horse. And 
 he said, "Wind-wall Eill-uj), ye boys of Gotham well 
 know, was a man of brass, and ye know how he made 
 a target of himself, and ye did strike w^ell with your 
 eggs, which were more than a day old. But more of 
 him hereafter. 
 
 36. And ye of the Tite-ites who drink somewhat 
 of the tire-water; and ye also of the Skylights who 
 putteth pains in the heads of your enemies, stirred 
 up the assemblies of that man of Belial, to their 
 hurt. 
 
 87. And that son of Belial, St. Benjamin, [who 
 was not a saint, neither had he the likeness of a 
 saint, neither was he a Benjamin,] records how ye 
 did stop the mouth of that wicked man. And he 
 also records how the Somepunkinites were wroth 
 and cried against it, because ye did thereby mar the 
 big parchment, which, they said, doth grant freedom 
 
33 
 
 of speech, even unto the calling of it "The covenant 
 ofhell/^ 
 
 38. And ye answered and said, " This be a man of 
 Belial, and doth injury to the nation/' But these 
 Rip-publicans believed on him and followed him. 
 
 39. And this new gospel of peace of the Ean-at-its 
 spread abroad, and prevailed mightily, to the 
 destruction of men's good reason and friendly feel- 
 ings. 
 
 40. And it was noised abroad even beyond Massa 
 Dixie's line. 
 
 41. And the big warrior and leader of the men of 
 the South, called liob-it Lee, took him up also the 
 new gospel of peace, and with a big band of warriors, 
 did carry it at the point of the bayonet into Penn- 
 sigli-villain-any. And there was also another band, 
 under a big warrior called Joseph; and he did cause 
 Little Mac some little trouble about his base. But 
 Little Mac smelt him the mice in time, and Joseph 
 and his brethren fled them unto his wife who was in 
 Dixie. 
 
 42. But the other big chief called Rob-it Lee, 
 pushed himself into the aforesaid long named pro- 
 vince, and did therein considerable mischief, in the 
 way of appropriating unto himself that which apper- 
 tained unto others. 
 
 43. And the people now comprehended the new 
 Gospel of Peace of the Pan-at-its. And they cried 
 out with a loud voice, " We are sold to the men of 
 Belial." And it was so. And the kangaroo, or nig- 
 gah, was exalted in his own eyes; and he said within 
 himself, " I'se gwan to be a gemman, and live come- 
 for-table, with white wife. Have my new white 
 massa, at de Norf, pay me for do nothin ; and have 
 big time and no mif-take." 
 
 44. Now Isaiah called together his men of mighty 
 deeds, the Skylights, the Tite-ites, the Hi-tites, the 
 Muguglies, and the Pulverites, and he spake unto 
 them a parable. " JS'ow a certain man named Xorth 
 took unto himself a little goat, a scape-goat, [now 
 Can-i-die, who was watching secretly among the men 
 of mighty deeds, thought his time was come, but it 
 
34 
 
 had not.] And he loved that goat to well, and 
 thought it handsome ; but certain men thought 
 otherwise. Well, men and brethren, this little goat, 
 this scape-goat, ought to have been bound by a cer- 
 tain big parchment; but he was not, and one day 
 he escaped from his Master N^orth, and hied him to 
 the mountains, where lived men of Belial, and his 
 master hied him after him, and pushed him close, 
 a.'^.d he thought him of a cave, called Washingstones ; 
 and he entered therein, and his master followed him. 
 Xow it happened that in this cave w^as an exceeding 
 iierce bear, who had taken up his winter quarters, as 
 a sucker doth sometimes take up his intended Avinter 
 quarters at a house in Gotham, called the Astor, 
 without 2)aying board bill, but haviug it charged 
 unto the city, Xow it happened that the scape-goat 
 gored the bear with his exceeding sharp horns, and 
 he rose upon his hind legs. And it happened also 
 about this self-sa.lie hour, that master ^orth was 
 brought face to facew^ith this ferocious bear; and he 
 dared not turn and retreat, for the bear would seize 
 him by his hindermost parts; neither durst he 
 advance, for the bear would seize him b}^ his foremost 
 front. Keither durst he turn to the right hand, nor 
 to the left. And he was in a great and sore strait; 
 for the bear was ferocious, and had exceeding good 
 teeth, and was most dreadful to look upon. [Now it 
 might have occurred to some in that man's place to 
 have said unto the bear, " We two are friends.'' Now 
 J ames the Sage and some others might have qraeted 
 liim down ; for the bear was a tame bear, but had 
 escaped from his cage, and old Buck knew him well.] 
 But master North had his blood up and thought he 
 must do or die. But I tell you, my friends, as I am 
 now preaching unto you the gospel of truth, the man 
 North should never have taken unto himself this 
 scape-goat. Now it is recorded in the hand-writing 
 of Nuncle Sam, that this man North and this bear 
 were once brothers, and occupied the same cage. 
 But this mat ered not. And the man North was an 
 exceeding strong man; and friendship appeared for 
 a moment on the part of the bear, for he approached 
 
35 
 
 and gave the man a hug; but it was more than a 
 hug and a half. And the man being strong, grappled 
 hard; and they rolled upon the ground. And it was 
 a question whether the man would ultimately eat 
 bear, or bear eat man. And it remaineth so unto 
 this day." And the Tite^tes, the Skylights, the Pul- 
 verites, and the Hi-tites cried aloud, " That's so ! 
 That's so'!" 
 
 -i4. And to not a few shall it be given to compre- 
 hend this mystery. 
 
 45. And Isaiah made a big pause, and stretching 
 forth his hands to the pockets of his coat-tail hang- 
 ing on a peg near by, he took therefroui a quart 
 bottle of pure water; applied it to his mouth, and 
 kept it there until it wej^t no more. And he lifted 
 up his voice and said, " Ye sons of Gotham, ye 
 remember well, how in the days of yore, certain men of 
 Belial came roaring around, seeking a place to bump 
 their heads against, and how well you accommodated 
 them in that respect. Keed I repeat their names? 
 Yea, it may be for the advantage of history that 
 their names be recorded here as they whose acts 
 were the true first cause of our good and holy war. 
 There was Wind-wall Fill-up, so called because he 
 was ever blowing into flames his inborn fan-at-it-sam. 
 And he was a profit to Beelzebub, and foretold of the 
 war. 'Next comes Fed-ricks Dug-glass, an escaped 
 kangaroo, and it would have been well for him if he 
 had not escaped. And there was another who trav- 
 elled with these sons of Belial, and held unto them in 
 all their ways, though his path was marked out in 
 another direction ; and his name was Henry Wore 
 Breeches ; and he was so-called because he did, but 
 he should not, because he was a ram, and carried his 
 
 E addles beneath him, his figure-head was of brass, 
 ut he struck with his mouth. Horns he had not, 
 but he carried two great poles upon his back, and 
 they were the North Pole and the South Pole. And 
 on the jSTorth Pole he carried his hat, and on the 
 South Pole he carried the everlasting niggah ; and 
 it was a very exposed place, and the kangaroo was 
 ever out in the cold. The ram carried no pipe. 
 
86 
 
 because he consumed his own smoke; and therein 
 differed he from other rams, and he differed from 
 other rams in this also, he had two great fans or 
 arms pretty well forward and abaft the head. But 
 thc}^ were failures, for they did not work, in keeping 
 his head above the surface, for he w^as intended to 
 run in shallow water. And he was coated with 
 exceeding heavy plates of iron, and even truth and 
 conviction in the shape of hot shot could enter not. 
 His big guns he carried in his waist pockets, the 
 covers whcrof swung on hinges. And their prints 
 were very legible, but they were unto him as quakers, 
 but they quaked not, for he relied on his heavy head. 
 And there was a compass, well bound and gilded, 
 which was an exceeding great ornament, which was 
 much spoken of and talked about, but was not fol- 
 lowed, for the ram navigated shallow waters." 
 
 46. And now hath it been recorded, and herein 
 published unto the four quarters of the earth, that 
 these three weak-minded men, through the influence 
 of the devil, have been instrumental in subverting 
 the Union. And like Judas of old, they may have 
 the conscientious feeling [the same that moved that 
 wicked man after the consummation of his crime,] to 
 remove the world from beneath their feet, in their 
 last ambitious effort. So, boys of Gotham, good 
 night; I hope to address you again very soon." 
 
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