NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 'Bahek'^ Edition" of PLAY>3 Fun on the Bingville Price, 25 Cents B* UJ* Plnero*$ Plays Price, 50 eents eacb THF AMA7nN^ Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five fe- InJCi AlflAljVl'liJ niiiles. Costumes, modern; scenery, not difficult. Plays a full evening. males, nine females. Cos tumes, modern society; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening- nAWiHY niPK" Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, four fe- UAlitfl iJly^n. males. Costumes, modern; scenery, two inte- risrs. Plays two hours and a half. TUC P KV I ni?n niTfY comedy in Four Acts. Fourmales, inl!. djAI LUIVU V£U£.A ten females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. UIC UniT^I? IM nOnrD comedy in Four Acts. Nine males, niO nViUOJu 11^ V/JRUEiIV tour females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three Interiors. Plays a full evening. TUr UnDDV UHDCr comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, irlE. nUDDl nUIVOE. Ave females. Costumes, modern; scenery easy. Plays two hours and a half. modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening, I AnV UniTMTIFITI Play in Four Acts. Eight males, seven U\Ul D\J\jmirKJLi females. Costumes, modern; scen- ery, four interiors, not easy. Plays a full evening. I FTTY ^'■^™* ^^ ^°}}^ ^^^^ ^""^ *", Epilogue. Ten males, five Costumes, modern; scenery complicated. Plays a full evening. mlWAPlQTRATF Farce in Three Acts. Twelve males, ITIAUIO 1 IVi\ 1 £1 four females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interior. Plays two hours and a half. Sent prepaid on receipt of price by Salter ?|. 5iafeer & Companp No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts Fun on the Bingville Branch An Entertainment in One Scene By JESSIE A. KELLEY Author of "Pedlers^ Parade," "Village PostofficCt "Tramps^ Conve?itioti" etc., etc. BOSTON WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 1915 Fun on the Bingville Branch CHARACTERS Conductor. Bkakeman. Newsboy. Mrs. Mistaken, who gets on the wroftg train. Mr. and Mrs. Alger, and baby. Mr. and Mrs. Levaggi ) ,. ,. . ., TONV, Mary and Peter Levaggi } """ it<^h<^n family. Mrs. Fussy, a rich woman, very fussy. Robert, her nephew, anxious to please. Mame Jones "I , . , LizSm-ith Yowery girls. Mrs. Mulligan, with her four children. iTs^ilT \ ^'«' <"•" g«"s " "" """'■ Mrs. Cross. Frances Cross, stnall daughter of Mrs. Cross. Alyse Parker ) ^- / • , Maysie Richie r"^^"'^'^^^^'^^- Silas Noser, who has a nose. Johnny Jackson, who asks questiotis. Mrs. Marston, who is taking Johnny with her. Michael Murphy, 7vho is polite. Israel Levitsky, who cannot speak English. Mrs. Precise 1 , - • 7 v Mrs. Mannerly \^ery prim ladies. Mr. Smarty, who tries to be funny. Mr. Austin, who feels rather cranky. 'Rastus Jones, a darkey taking his first ride. Saul Cohen, an elderly Jew. Neither the Levaggi nor the MulHgan children have any speak- ing part. Some characters may be omitted if desired and some can take two or more parts, as nearly all the parts are short and easy. The children's parts may be taken by adults dressed as children if desired. TMP96-006458 Copyright, 1915, by Walter H. Baker & Co. ©CI.D 40643 MAY 14 1915 COSTUMES Conductor, Brakeman and Newsboy should wear coats with brass buttons, regulation caps. Mr. Levaggi old black slouch hat, old shabby clothes. Mrs. Levaggi scarf over head, poorly dressed, children bareheaded, rather dirty. They have many bundles done up in newspapers, old quilts, etc. Mrs. Fussy, elderly, overdressed woman, with lorgnette and smelling salts. Mame Jones and Liz Smith, cheap tawdry finery. Mrs. Mulligan and Children, as grotesque as possible ; the children should each have very large prominent figure "5 " on hat or cap. Rube Hickey and Sal Sofer, country costumes, old-fash- ioned and grotesque ; they carry old faded green umbrella and very large lunch basket. Edythe Ray and Pauline Porter, rather loud, stylish cos- tumes. Alyse Parker and Maysie Richie, in exaggerated stylish dress. Michael Murphy, overalls, jumper, brogans, old felt hat. Israel Levitsky, very old-fashioned derby hat, old clothes, long beard, bald headed. 'Rastus Jones, old "Prince Albert " coat, either too large or too small, old-fashioned tall hat, very high white collar, large red necktie, white cotton gloves. He carries old-fash- ioned valise. Saul Cohen, old-fashioned derby, shabby clothes, long white beard. Mr. Smarty, very showy suit, big diamond stud, ring, etc. Johnny Jackson, has freckled face, and something fixed over two front teeth to make them appear missing. Silas Noser, ordinary attire, with very large false nose. The others may be in ordinary attire. STAGE ARRANGEMENTS The obvious, and when stage room is scanty the best, way of setting the stage for this entertainment consists of chairs set in pairs on both sides of a central aisle running up stage from the front to the back exactly as seats are arranged in a railway train, the legs of the chairs at the back of the stage being lengthened in some way so that the audience may see all the y^issengers 3 4 NOTES clearly. The imagination of the audience will do the rest. The chairs in this arrangement should all face the audience, and may be covered with red or green cambric ; but in these days when so much rattan furniture is available this may not be necessary. Another way — and a rather better one when there is room — is to set the chairs in pairs in a row slanting diagonally down the stage from up right to down left, the aisle being supposed to be side on to the audience and the nearer row of seats to be omitted. This will give a full view of all the performers to the audience and make the dialogue between them and the con- ductor more easily grasped. Any way is a good way if it be adapted to the place of per- formance and if it put the action clearly in the eye of the au- dience. NOTES Do not hurry the performance. Take time to act out every- thing, giving the audience time to appreciate the jokes. A pause does no harm. Do not go on while the audience is laughing. Sal and Rube by their actions can furnish an end- less amount of amusement throughout the entire entertainment, being careful however to do everything in a quiet way so that the audience can follow what the other characters are doing. Mrs. Mulligan can also keep the people in an uproar of laugh- ter by her sly winkings and grimaces to the other passengers while talking to the conductor. The Levaggi children do a great deal of eating, passing paper bags around continually. Johnny Jackson might stand in the aisle while asking questions, making himself as prominent as possible. All the characters should try to be in as conspicuous a position as possible while taking their main parts. Seats can be changed readily, passengers going to door, getting a glass of water and taking a different seat as they return. Rube and Sal should be in a front seat all the time. A large doll may be fixed up for the Alger baby. This can be held near the parent's face and parent can imitate the crying of a baby. All the children's parts may be taken by adults dressed as children if desired. Fun on the Bingville Branch SCENE. — Slage set as on page 3. Bkakeman {at door). All aboard ! Next station is Way- ville. E7iter Mrs. Mistaken, with very many bundles. Mrs, Mis. Does this car go to Sabine ? Brake. No. Mrs. Mis. {snappishly). Oh, dear, I want to get a car that goes to Sabine. Brake. Well, I haven't time to go and get one for you. This train goes to Wayville. Hurry up, madam, or you'll get taken along. (Mrs. Mis. tries to hurry; drops bundles; tries to pick them up; drops more; finally gets off. Conductor comes through to take tickets. Mame Jones and Liz Smith are both chewing gtwi vigorously.) Con. (taking Mame's ticket). Rained pretty hard yester- day, didn't it? Mame. Yep, it did sure. Con. It was almost like the Flood. Liz. The Flood ! Wot wuz that ? Con. The Flood, you know. Noah, the Ark, Ararat. Mame. I ain't hed naw time ter read the papers lately. Guess I ain't heerd of it. (Con. goes to Mrs. Precise and Mrs. Mannerly for tickets.) Mrs. p. (to Mrs. Man.). No, I have two tickets right here. You put yours right back. I'm going to pay this time. Mrs. Man. No, indeed, you are not. (Fumbles in bag for ticket.) FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH Mrs. p. Yes, I am, too. Mrs. Man. No, you are not. (Still hunts for ticket.) Mrs. p. {handing two tickets to Con.). Here are the tickets. Con. {looking at tickets'). Excuse me, madam, but these are not the right tickets. Mrs. p. Of course they are the right tickets. Con. Sorry, madam, but they are not good on this line. Mrs. p. I'd Hke to know why not. Con. They are beer checks, madam. Mrs. p. {in great co?ifusio?i). However could those have got in my pocketbook ? Mr. Smarty (laughifig aloud). Pretty good give-away that. Been going through hubby's pockets. (Mrs. p. and Mrs. Man. turn and give him an indignant look then whisper together as if explaining the matter.) Brake, {at door). Bayview ! Bayview ! Enter Edythe Ray and Pauline Porter. As soon as they are seated Edythe ope7is a box of candy and passes it to Pauline. Pauline takes apiece; starts to put it in her mouth ; stops afid gasps. Pauline. Oh, I forgot, our class is having a self-denial month and I've given up candy. {Puts candy back in box.) Edythe. Nonsense ! You're foolish to miss such lovely chocolates. They're dandy. {Closes box ; takes out school books.) Mr. Hale gave us an awful lesson in Philosophy for to-morrow. Pauline {abstractedly). Did he? Edythe. Yes, all about molecules. Pauline. Say, Edythe, I've decided to change my self- denial to pie. Open that box quick. {Box is opened and both girls indulge freely ifi chocolates.) What did you say you were studying, Edythe ? Edythe, Oh, molecules and atoms and photoplasms. I don't know which I like best, but Mr. Hale is just too sweet for anything. He's the one that tells about molecules and atoms. We girls are all just crazy about him. We've named our hats after him. This is ray Hale hat. You see how the velvet is drawn down on the brim and caught there with a knot and a bunch of forget-me-nots. Pauline (examining hat). It's just too sweet for anything. FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 7 Edythe. I think it is perfectly, exquisitely lovely. Pauline. I must study my geometry. Edythe. Do you like that ? Pauline. Oh, yes, I think theorems are the divinest things ! I'm just enraptured with theorems. Mr. Long's eyes look so beautiful when he is explaining them. I never know a word he is saying, I'm so in love with his eyes. 1 must study. Let the triangle A. B. C— triangle A. B. Oh, say, Edythe, do you like my hair done this way ? Edythe. It's awfully stylish, and classical, too. Looks fine. How do you like mine ? Pauline. Turn your head round so I can get a side view. (Edythe's hat has a long quill or stick-up of some sort. Mr. S., who sits just behind them, is leaning forzvard and the quill sticks in his eye, making him cry out and hold on to his eye.) Edythe (turning around). Oh, I beg your pardon ! Mr. S. Don't mention it. I'm all right; I have one eye left. Pauline. Isn't he a lovely, polite man? Have you learned your French lesson ? We're going to that dance to-night, so we must get our studying all done on the train. (Opens book.) Je parle, tu parle. What are you going to wear to-night, Edythe? Edythe. I'm going to wear that blue muslin with the pink roses ; the one that has the ruffles on it. Pauline. Oh, yes, that's just a dream. Michael Murphy. Be jabbers, Oi rickin her fayther didn't foind the bill fer it anny drame. Mame. Gee, wouldn't yez like to be one of them swells, Liz? Liz. Naw, they git my goat. Brake. Homer ! Homer ! (Pauline and Edythe get up.) Pauline. I've got my French and geometry all done. Edythe. And I've done my Philosophy. We've studied awful hard all the Avay, haven't we? Pauline. Yes, my head aches, I've studied so steadily. (Edythe and Pauline get off.) 8 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH E7iter Rube Hickey and Sal Sofer. Sal carries large basket. When part way down the aisle Rube looks a?ix- iously around. Rube. I snummy, whar is thet air lunch basket, Sal? Sal. I hev it, Rube. Rube. Pass it over here quick. Sal. It's turrible perlite of you to kerry it fer me, Rube. Rube. Perlite ! Huh ! I guess I don't take no risk of losin' thet air lunch. It's a lappin' good one maw put up fer us to take ter the circus. Sal. I hope 'tis fer I feel empty as a barrel already. {They finally get seated, Rube having a great time finding a place for the basket.') You kin set the basket right over thar, Rube. Rube. No, sir-ee ! Maw told me ter look out fer them air pickpockets on the keers, but they've got to sit up nights ter git ahead of this air chicken. I ain't no greenhorn if I wuz brung up in Bingville. There, by gosh ! I'd like ter see any blamed smart city chap git that basket. {Puts basket on floor and puts both feet on it.) Maw put a dozen biled eggs in thar. She found a nest the old white hen had stole under the rhubab. Six slabs of pie ; a hunk of gingerbread, and some bread and merlasses. We live turrible high to our house. You'll hev to go some ter keep up with maw's cooking, Sal. {Chucks Sal utider the chin.) Sal {peevishly). Huh, I reckon other folks kin cook besides yer maw. Rube {puttifig arm aroimd Sal). Don't git mad, Sal. Say, won't we hev a great time at the circus? Golly, I'm jest a-goin' ter blow myself. I'll buy a hull quart of peanuts fer yer and some pink lemonade, too. I'll be dinged if I don't. (Frances Cross has been eating most of the time ; now has a tantrum ; yells and screams, the mother trying in vain to stop her. ) Mr. S. {very loud). That young one needs a good spanking. Mrs. Cross {turning around). It's none of your business and I don't believe in spanking a child on a full stomach any- way. Mr. S. Neither do I. Turn her over, madam, turn her over. FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 9 Mrs. C. {snappishly). Some folks don't know enough to mind their own business. Frances. If you don't give me some more candy I'll yell again. Mrs. C. But mother thinks you ought not to eat any more. It will make you sick. (Frances begins to scream and kick.) Here, darling, you may have just this piece. (Frances looks slyly round at other passengers, takes candy and stops screaming.) Mame. Gee, wouldn't I guv dat kid a sidewinder if she wuz mine. Liz. Wouldn't I jest? (Frances sticks out tongue at them.) Newsboy. Papers ! Papers ! Latest edition 1 Mr. S. {trying to be smart). Here, my boy, have you any of to-morrow's papers? {Looks around for others to hear the fun.) News. Naw, I sold 'em all out day before yesterday. {Passengers laugh.) Mr. S. I'll take one of to-day's, then. Here's ten cents, and you can have the change to buy a cigar. News. Tanks awfully, but you'd better keep it and buy a few brains. {Passengers laugh. Mr. S. becomes absorbed in reading paper.) Michael. Good fer yez, newsy. Oi'U toike a payper mesilf. Brake. Elmwood ! Elmwood ! Change here for Hob- son, Southbridge and Pemberton. Enter Mr. a7id Mrs. Levaggi with three children. They have great time getting settled ; much jabbering, presumably in Italian. Mr. L. {handing ticket to zvife). You gif dees hafa teeckit to de conducta. Mrs. L, Why for I gif Tony's teeckit to de conducta? 10 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH Mr. L. He aska how olda Tony was, and I no lika lie. You tella de lie. Con. (taking tickets from Mrs. L.). You'll have to pay full fare for that boy. He is over twelve years old. Mrs. L. No, he no twelva. Con. Madam, he can't go on half fare ; he is too large, alto- gether too large. Mrs. L. (j/iany gestures). Wella, he too larga now. He no too larga when de traina starta. He smalla then. Traina slowa, slowa. Con. Where is the ticket for that girl ? How old is she ? Mrs. L. She be fiva in Juna. Con. She looks older than that. Mrs. L. She poora little girla. She has lota trouble, maka her looka olda. (Mr. L. sees quarter lying on the floor in the aisle ; gets up and gets it.) Con. Here, you, that's my quarter. Mr. L. Youra quarta had notta hola in heem. Con. Yes, it had. Mr. L. {showing quarter). Wella, dessa quarta no gotta hola in heem, so notta your quarta. {Puts quarter in pocket.) No hola in heem. (Con. passes on to other passetigers.) Mrs. p. {in loud voice to Mrs. Man.). I never would have one in the house. It has always been my strict rule and I don't know as I can ever get over it. Mame {171 loud whisper to Liz, who is talking). Sh ! Stop yer yap. I want ter git wise to wot these old sticks back uv us are sayin'. Sounds like a scandal in high life. Mrs. p. I don't know as I shall ever get over the disgrace of it. My mother always said she never could hold up her head again if anything like that came into the family. Liz (in very loud stage whisper, Tiudging Mame). Say, Mame, it must be something orful. Mrs. p. To think she should do such a thing ! None of us suspected, none of us dreamed she would do such a thing. You can't imagine the shock when I came home and found the new maid (raising voice excitedly) had ordered onions and had cooked some for dinner. . FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH II (Mame and \az let themselves drop over.) Mame. Wouldn't dat jar yer? Liz. Say, dat's der limit. I tought sure it wuz a murder er a suicide. Brake. Hayden ! Hayden ! Next station is Riggsville. Enter Mr. Austin, hat off, very warm, wiping face with ha?idker chief. Sits down with Mr. S. Mr. S. Been running to catch the train ? Mr. Aus. (sarcastically). No, 1 was only running to chase it out of the station. (Mops face vigorously.) Mr. S. You travel on these trains a lot. What train do you consider the most difficult one to catch ? Mr. Aus. {snappishly, fammighimself with hat). They're all the same to me. Mr. S. That so? I call the 12 : 50 a hard train to catch, don't you ? Mr. Aus. I don't know and I don't care. Mr. S. Yes, the 12 : 50 is a hard train because it's ten to one if you catch it. (JLaughs heartily at his ow?ifoke. Mr. Aus. looks disgusted and keeps on fanning and mopping face. Con. comes along. Mr. Aus. ha?ids him ticket.) Con. You can't use this ticket on this train. It's only good on a later train. Mr. Aus. That ticket is all right. Con. The road won't take it, sir. Mr. Aus. (angrily). Well, this blamed old road will never see another cent of my money, then. Con. What will you do ? Walk ? Mr. Aus. No, I'll stop buying tickets, and pay my fares to you. No danger of the company ever getting a cent of it then. Mr. S. Does this train go as far as Garner ? Con. Yes, sir. Mr. S. Well, I want you to tell me when we get there. You'd better stick a stamp on your nose, or put a straw in your mouth, or tie a knot in one of your lips so you won't forget it. (Passe tigers watch and listen.) Con. It wouldn't be convenient for me to do those things. / 12 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH but if you will kindly pin your ears around your neck I think I shall remember to tell you. (^Laughter among passe?igers.') News. Candy ! Candy ! Rube. Hi, thar, guess me and Sal will hev some of thet air stuff. {After much deliberation Rube buys two sticks of striped candy, and they both begin sucking them.) Lapping good, ain't they, Sal? Sal. Yes, they be — if you suck 'em they last a sight longer. Rube. I don't never let no gal say I'm a tight wad when I takes her to the circus. This candy cost two hull cents, but I told you I wuz a-goin' ter blow myself, and 1 be. Brake. Riggsville ! Riggsville ! Enter Mr. and Mrs. Alger with baby, Mrs. Marston, Johnny Jackson and Israel Levitsky. Israel sits in front of Mrs. Mar. and Johnny ; takes off hat. Johnny {pointing to Israel). Gee, look at that man's whiskers. Mus. Mar. {in loud whisper). Hush, Johnny, the man will hear you. Johnny {in very loud stage 7vhisper). He don't need no necktie, does he? Don't show none with them whiskers. Mrs. Mar. Keep still, Johnny. Johnny. I wish I wuz bald-headed like he is, then I wouldn't have to waste time combing my hair. Mrs. Mar. Will you keep still, Johnny? Johnny. Say, will I have whiskers some day ? Mrs. Mar. Perhaps so. Johnny. Will you have whiskers, too ? Mrs. Mar. Johnny Jackson, if you don't stop talking, I'll tell your mother, and she'll give you a good whipping. Johnny. What'U you give me if I keep still? Mrs. Mar. I'll give you some candy. Johnny. All right ; let's see it. (Mrs. Mar. gives Johnny candy and he begins eating it. Michael has been watching the Alger baby closely, lean- ing over to do so. Mrs. A., xvho has been watching him, finally gets exasperated.) FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH I J Mrs. a. {to Michael). Rubber ! Rubber ! Michael. Rubber? Begorry, Oi'm glad to be afther hear- ing it. Oi vvuz afrade it wuz a rale choild. Mrs. a. Beast ! {Baby begins to cry, and Mr. and Mrs. A. try in vain to soothe it, talking baby talk, trotting it, etc.') Mr. S. {very loud). Why don't you sing to the kid ? (Mr. a. begins to sing so?nething very poorly. Baby stops crying. Mr. A. continues to sing.) Say, that's worse than the crying. Let up on that, for the land's sake, or you'll drive us crazy. Mr. Aus. I believe that's Sam Alger. Haven't seen him for an age. I'll have to go down and speak to him. {Goes down ; shakes hands ; looks at baby.) Well, well, but he's a fine little fellow, isn't she? How old is it now? Do her teeth bother him much ? I hope he gets through her second summer all right. She looks like you, Sam, doesn't he? I've heard it does. Glad to have seen you. Good-bye. {Goes back to seat, mopping face.) Mrs. Man. {to Con.). Does this train stop at Fenrick? Con. No, not unless some one wants to get on or off. Do you want it to stop ? Mrs. Man. Yes, I'd like to have it stop. Con. {pulling strap). We are right there now. This is Fenrick. (Mrs. Man. goes to door and stands there talking to cat she holds in her arms.) Mrs. Man. There, Ruffles, this is the place where you were born. You did want to see it, didn't you ? Mamma told you that you should some day. Now, take a good look at it. Con. Hurry up and get off, madam. I shall have to start this train quickly. (Mrs. Man. co7nes back to seat. Con., crankily.) Didn't you say you wanted to get off at Fenrick, madam ? Mrs. Man. Oh, no, I didn't want to get off. I only wanted you to stop the train so I could show this dear little kitty where he was born. Con. Hang your old cat ! We were late, anyway, and you've made me lose five minutes more. 14 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH Johnny. Say, that woman over there has two colors in her hair. What makes that ? (Mrs. P. turns ajid gives him a black look.) Say, wouldn't she turn milk sour if she looked at it like that ? See that feller down there hugging his girl ! Guess he likes her, don't you? (Rube and Sal look around and giggle. Mrs. A. goes out, presumably into tiext car, leaving baby rviih husband.') Mrs. Mar. You're the worst boy I ever saw in my life, Johnny Jackson. Johnny. Say, I'm going to have a girl when I grow up. Did you ever have a feller? I shouldn't think any feller'd want you. Mrs. Mar. {slamming Johnny down on seat). You keep still or I'll box your ears good. (Con. comes to get tickets. Mrs, Mar. hands him one ticket.) Con. How old is that boy? Mrs. Mar. How old do you think ? Con. Old enough to pay a fare, I should say. Mrs. Mar. Don't seem so to me. Con. Well, you ought to know. Mrs. Mar. Yes, I suppose I ought, but I forgot to ask. He ain't my child. I'm jest taking him along with me to favor his mother. Con. {to Johnny). How old are you, young man ? Johnny. I dunno. Con. Well, madam, I'll have to charge for him if you can't or won't tell me. Mrs. Mar. {loud voice, angrily). His age ain't any of my business. It's yours, and if you make i mistake I'll sue your old road for damages. I ain't got but mighty little money with me, and if you make me pay and I run short and get in trouble and then his ma tells me that he's under age, I'll make your old road pay good for it. You advertise what you'll do, and if you don't do it there'll be trouble. Con. If you say he's under age, I'll take your word for it. Mrs. Mar. I ain't a-sayin' a thing. It's for you to say, and I'm jest warnin' you that you'd better not make any mis- takes, for his ma'll know, and if you take money that I need, it will go mighty hard with you if you're wrong. Con. But you ought to know. FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH I5 Mrs. Mar. Why? Your road dor.'t pay me for knowing; it pays you. But I'm not going to raise a rumpus, I'm jest warnin' you. How much ? Con. Perhaps we had better let it go. Mrs. Mar. Jest remember I didn't say he wasn't old enough, and I didn't refuse to pay. Johnny {to Con.). Say, you ain't a two-faced man, are you, Mr. Conductor? Con. a two-faced man ! What are you talking about, kid ? This ain't a circus. Johnny. Cuz I wuz thinking if you hed two faces you'd leave this one at home and wear the better lookin' one. You couldn't hev two such ugly faces. Con. What you need, young man, is a good horsewhip. (Johnny makes tip face at Con.) Brake. Highland Square ! Highland Square ! Next sta- tion is Stetson. Enter Alvse Parker and Maysie Richie. They stand at door saying good-bye to an invisible person. Alyse. Good-bye, dear; good-bye. Maysie. Come over next Tuesday. Good-bye. Alyse. We'll be dreadfully cross if you don't. Good-bye. Maysie. Oh, she'll come all right. Reggie is coming, you know. , {Both lai/gh.) Good-bye, good-bye, dear. {Both ivave hands and throtv kisses.) Brake. Guess I've waited long enough for that mush. All aboard ! Ma^e 1 Good-bye. See you Tuesday. Good-bye. (More waving and kiss-throwing. In getting seated in front ofM.^. Aus., Maysie scratches him with her hat-pin.') Mr. Aus. {crankily). Madam, you have scratched my face with that barbarous hat-pin. Maysie. Don't be at all alarmed, sir; I sterilize it every day. Rube. Say, Sal, I'm gittin' turrible hungry. Let's eat one of them air biled eggs. Sal. I be, tew, and I reckon I could eat a slab of pie, tew. l6 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH (Rube has a great tirne getting up the basket. Gives Sal the old umbrella to hold.) Rube. Be keerful not to lose thet umberell, Sal. Paw paid seventy-five cents fur it, and we ain't hed it more'n twenty years. {Hands out egg /^ Sal ; takes one himself ; puts basket back carefully ; puts feet on it. They take shells off the eggs and eat large mouthfuls ; much noise, etc.) Guess I've got to hev something else. Seems ter be a turrible big hole in my stummick. {Gets up basket again; takes out great piece of pie for each.') Alyse. Wasn't that actor perfectly, utterly exquisite in the play this afternoon ? Maysie. Oh, perfectly lovely. I just fell in love with him when he sang "Drink to Me Only with Thine Eyes," and he looked right at me all the time he was singing it. Liz {to Mame). Say, he wuz a cheap skate. Drink to me wid thine eyes ! Huh, a feller wot couldn't say. Drink ter me only wid soda water, and then treat yer ter two glasses, ain't wuth standin'-room at a truant officer's picnic. Hey, Mame? Mame. Them's me sentiments, sure. Say, I used ter know that swell girl. Liz. Why don't youse go and speak to her then ? Mame. She ain't paid her fare. She might ask me ter pay it fer her. {Both laugh loudly.) Con. (taking tickets from AhYSE and Maysie). Arthur said it was pretty cold this morning. Maysie. Arthur who ? Con. Our thermometer. {Girls giggle.) Liz. Say, I went ter de movies las' night. Gee, they wuz great. Onct when I tought dey wuz goin' ter kill de hero I got so excited I swallered my gum, and den dey didn't kill him after all. Con. (to Israel). Your ticket. (Israel shakes head.) Where is your ticket ? (Israel shakes head and makes signs that he does not under- stand.) FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 1 7 Mr. S. (Jo Con.). He doesn't understand English. Try him in German. Con. {to Israel). Can you speak German? (Israel makes signs he doesn't understand.') Can you speak Italian? (Israel still shakes head.) Speak Jewish language? (Israel still makes signs.) Can you speak French ? {More signs and head shaking.) I've spoken to him in five languages, and he doesn't understand any of them. Michael. Begorry, Oi didn't know Oi could spake all the langwidges, but if that's the way yez do it Oi kin. Oi'll hev a thry at the ould feller. {Comes over to Israel.) Can yez spake Swadish? (Israel doesnU under st arid.) Kin yez spake Dutch? {More head shaking and majiy gestures.) Kin yez spake Hungarian ? Thin phwat in the divil kin yez spake ? (Israel finally pulls out dirty envelope with ticket and note in it. Con. reads.) Con. All right. Here's his ticket, and he's to get off at the next station. Mr. Aus. {to Con.). I'm sleepy. Guess I'll take a nap; put me off when we get to Yonkers. Con. All right, sir, I will. Mr. Aus. It is important I should get off there, so be sure to wake me. I wake up pretty hard, and I may kick some, but don't pay any attention to me if I am ugly. I want you to put me off at Yonkers no matter how hard I fight. Understand ? Here's a dollar to help you remember. Con. All right; off you'll go, sure. (Mr. Aus. very soon goes to sleep and snores loudly. Mr. S., who has been watching Mr. A. trying to keep the baby quiet, 710 w goes over to him.) Mr. S. {in loud voice). Say, a woman gave you that baby to hold while she went into the next car a few minutes, didn't she? Mr. a. {rather surprised). Yes. Mr. S. Just before we stopped at a station, wasn't it? Mr. a. I believe it was. Mr. S. {laughing heartily). I tumbled to the fact as soon as I saw it. You expect her back, I suppose ? Mr. a. Of course. Mr. S. Looking for her every blessed minute, ain't you? l8 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH Mr. a. I think it is about time for her. Mr. S. This makes me laugh. {Laughs very loud and looks around at other passengers who are all listening. ) Young man, you're left. You've been played on for an innocent. Better turn the kid over to a policeman before the reporters get onto you and give you a big write up. Your friends will have a great laugh on you. That woman will never come back. You've got the kid on your hands. Mr. a. She'll come back all right. Mr. S. What makes you think she'll come back ? Mr. A. Because she's my wife and this is our baby. {Looks around.) Here she comes now. {Passengers laugh.') Mr. S. {confused). Oh — um — er — I see. {Retires hurriedly to seat among the roars of the passengers.) Mrs. a. {taking baby). Mummy's ittle tootsie wootsie. Did it miss its murasie ? Brake. Stetson ! Stetson ! (Con. motions to Israel, who gets off.) Enter Mrs. Mulligan and four children, Silas Noser and Saul Cohen. Silas sits back of Michael and near Mrs. C. and Frances. Saul sits so??iezvhere near Mr. S.) Mrs. p. {to Mrs. Man.), I should think they ought to charge folks according to their weight. {Points to M-&S. MvL.) Look at the size of that woman. Mrs. Mul. Shure, it's moighty lucky they don't for they'd niver be afther sthopping fer yez at all, at all. Mr. S. {to Saul). Hello, Father Abraham ! (Saul makes no reply.) Hello, Father Isaac! (Saul turns and looks at him but makes no reply. Mr. S. looks to see if passengers are listening to him, and speaks in still louder tones. ) Hello there, Father Jacob ! Saul {rising slowly, facing Mr. S.). I am neither Abra- ham, Isaac or Jacob, but Saul, the son of Kish, who went forth to find his father's ass, and behold I have found him. (Saul sits down calmly amidst the roars of the passengers. Mr. S. reads paper. Michael has been looking at some papers he has taken out of his pocket and Silas has his FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 1 9 head over Michael's shoulder trying to see what they are. Fi7iaUy Michael takes a red bandanna handkerchief out of his pocket and wipes Silas' nose, twisting it pretty hard and holding on to it for some time.) Silas. Ow ! What are you doing to my nose ? Michael. Shure, Oi ax yer pardin. It wuz so cloise to moine Oi thought it wuzmoine. (^Chuckles and wifiks at other passengers. ) Begorry perhaps he'll kape it out uv ither payple's business fer a whoile. (Frances has fust caught sight of Silas' nose and begins to scream, her mother trying in vain to stop her. Silas goes over to her.) Silas. What ails you, my dear ? Frances {screaming and drawing away from him). Take off your nose ! Take off your nose ! (Silas and Mrs. C. look confused.) Mrs. C. You must excuse my daughter, but I took her to a masked ball once and she got very much frightened at a per- son who had on a mask with a very large nose. Now, unfor- tunately, you are going to some mask and have on a false nose and she is dreadfully frightened again. (Frances begins to screa?n again.) Let me beg of you to have pity on the poor child and take off your nose. Silas. But, madam Mrs. C. {as Y-RXiiC^s screams again). Quick, take off your nose or my child will go into convulsions. Silas. But, madam, I can't take off my nose. It is not false ; it is my own. Mrs. C. Impossible ! Silas. Touch it and see. (Mrs. C. gives Silas' nose a hard pull, expecting it to come off, but it does not.) Mrs. C. I beg your pardon. (Frances begins screaming again.) What shall I do? What shall I do? Won't you please go to the back of the car and cover your nose with your hat? (Silas goes back, covers jiose with hat ; Frances finally quiets down.) 20 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH News. All the latest books, latest books and magazines ! {To Mr. S.) Don't you want to buy Gilbert Parker's latest book, sir? Mr. S. No, I'm Gilbert Parker myself. News. Well, buy this one of Mary Wilkins Freeman. You ain't Mary, be you? {Another laugh at VIr. S.'s expense. M.V.. S. reads paper, soon falls asleep and snores.') Con. {to Mrs. Mul.). Fares, please. (Mrs. Mul. hands him one ticket. Con. looks at children.) You'll have to pay for all these children, madam ; they are all over age. Mrs. Mul. And phwat is the age ? Con. Unless they are under five they must pay a fare. Mrs. Mul. Shure, jist cast yer oiye to the hats uv thim and ye' 11 say they are all under foive. Con. {looking at hats). Those tricks won't work. You must pay for them all. Mrs. Mul. {unnkifig at passengers). Shure, me husband's woife's cousin, who is a conductor on the strate car, niver axes me to pay wan cint for anny wan of thim. Con. {impatie?ttly). I don't care what your husband's woife's cousin does. Hand over your tickets. Mrs. Mul. Shure, Oi'm afther givin' yez the only ticket I have. Con. Well, you must pay the money if you haven't the tickets. Mrs. Mul. {giving a scream). Howly mither of Moses, ye've slipped on me corn. Sometoimes Oi wish Oi wuz wan of thim Christian Scientists so Oi wouldn't know whin Oi wuz hoirt, and sometoimes Oi'd loike to be wan of thim snakes, for they don't be having any corns on their fate. Con. If you don't pay your money I shall have the train stopped and put you all off. Mrs. Mul. Howld yer whisht ! Ain't Oi goin' to pay it, thin ? But Oi've got to foind out how much it is before Oi kin pay it, ain't Oi? Con. It will be forty cents for the tickets and five cents apiece for the checks I'll have to give you for paying on the train instead of buying your tickets at the station — sixty cents in all. Mrs. Mul. Howly mither of Moses ! Does yez think Oi'm a Vanderboilt ? FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 21 Con. Hurry up, madam. Mrs. Mul, Oi'm no lightning calkerlator, sorr; but Oi'm an honest, dacent woman, and Oi foinds out thet me bills is kerrict before Oi pays wan penny. Sixty cints, you sed? Well, there's tin for Mary Ann, and tin for Michael; that's twinty. {Counts on fingers.') And foive for Katie. Con. No, ten for Katie. Mrs. Mul. Tin cints fur thet little darlint ! Oi calls that jist clair robbery. Con. That makes thirty cents. Mrs. Mul. If yez are mane enough to toike a fare for that baby it's thoirty thin, and Patsy tin, that's Howly smoke ! {Gives yell.') This car bounces so it gives me rheumatiz in me back. But, begorry, Oi'm glad Oi hev a back to hev rheumatiz in. Con. 1 can't waste any more time with you. Hand over your money. Mrs. Mul. Me rheumatiz made me lose me count. Now Oi'U have to count it all over again to be sure Oi made no mistake, and Oi'U carl on all the payple in the car to listen. There's Mary Ann, that's tin cints Con. If you begin that string again I'll have you arrested. Hand over that sixty cents, lively. Mrs. Mul. Soixty cints ! Shure, it's fourty Oi makes it. Con. Sixty cents. Mrs. Mul. And yez won't toike the fourty? Con. Not one cent less than sixty. Either pay that, or I'll put you off the car at once. Mrs. Mul. Be aisy, sorr, and Oi'U lave the car, for Oi won't be chated out uv twinty cints fur anny wan. Brake. Sladen ! Sladen ! (Con. goes out.) Mrs. Mul. Shure, here we be at Sladen, darlints. {To passengers.) "Didn't Oi put a good wan over on that smart conductor? Shure, it wuz here Oi wuz planning to git out all the toime to see me Cousin Biddy O'Toole and little Moikey. It's wan cowld day whin yez git ahead of Katie Mulligan. Come on, me darlints. (Mrs. Mul. a?id children depart, smiling. ) Enter Mrs. Fussy and nepheiv Robert. Mrs. F. has very many bundles. 22 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH Rob. Here's a seat, Aunt Ann. Mrs. F. Oh, I don't want to sit there. It's too near the back of the car. And oh, dear, Robert, if this isn't the last car ! Rob. What difference does that make ? Mrs. F. That's just like you, Robert. Now, my other nephew, Henry, wouldn't have thought of putting me in the last car. It is so dangerous if there is a rear end collision. I don't see why they don't leave the last car off, anyway. Rob. {going to another seat). Well, try this seat. Aunt Ann. Mrs. F. {sitting down a minute ^ then jumping up). No, I don't like that seat. It's right over the wheels. I'd like a seat on the other side. Michael. Toike moi sate, mum. Mrs. F. Thank you. {Sits down.) Michael. That's orl roight, mum. Wot Oi ses is, a man ort to give a woman the sate she wants. Some min never does unless she's young and pretty, but yez see, mum, it don't make no difference to me. (Mrs. F. glares at him ; begins adjusting bundles, ROB. helping.) Alyse. Wasn't it polite of that man to give that horrid, fussy old lady his seat ? Michael {in loud stage whisper). Shure, Oi wuz jist lad- ing in me payper of a fussy ould woman who lift tin thousand dollars to an illigant young man like mesilf that wuz perlite to her in a strate car ; so when Oi sees this ould crank ses Oi to mesilf, ses Oi, toike no chances, Moickel. She's a fussy ould wan all roight, so perhaps the rist of it will be thrue and Oi'U be getting me tin thousand wan of these days. Mrs. F. There, Robert, don't put that satchel on the floor. I want it on the seat beside me. (Rob. puts it on the seat with a bang.) Be careful how you handle it. My other set of false teeth are in it and I don't want them broken. Now, I believe I'm on the sunny side and no shades at the windows. Robert, I should think you could have found me a seat in a better car. Rob. But the seats in the other car were all taken. Aunt Ann. Mrs. F. Then why didn't you get here sooner? Are you sure you gave me the right ticket ? FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 23 Rob. Yes, sure. Mrs. F. You've made such a blunder about getting me a seat that 1 can't feel comfortable about the ticket. Oh, here's the conductor ! I'll ask him to make sure. Here, Mr. Con- ductor, come here. Will you look at my ticket and see if it is all right ? Con. Where do you want to go ? Mrs. F. I am going to Jericlio. Con. Ticket's all right, madam. Mrs. F. Well, I'm surprised that it is. My nephew here made such a blunder about getting me a seat that I was afraid he didn't get the right ticket. (2