Class 
 
 Book 
 
 Copyright N?._ 
 
 COPYRIGHT DEPOStT. 
 
They had gone about two blocks when they ran 
 into a tribe of Indians. — Frontispiece. 
 
T WI^TTET) 
 HI^TTOP^y 
 
 "By 
 
 FRANK C. VOORHIES 
 
 AX/THCfR OF 
 
 " LovJe Letters of an Irish XOoman" 
 "Mrs. McYiggs of the Very Old Scratch." 
 '"Reflections of "Bridget McJSTulty." Etc. 
 
 Illustrations by 
 T. CROMWELL LAWRENCE 
 
 G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY 
 
 Publishers Now York 
 
LIBRARY of CONGRESS 
 Tw# Copies Received 
 
 MAR 4 1904 
 
 X. Copyright Entry 
 OLASS * XXc. No, 
 ' COPY 8 
 
 Copyright, 1904, by 
 G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY 
 
 Twisted History. 
 
 Issued March, IQ04 
 
TO 
 
 D. A. V., 
 
 WHO IS JEALOUS OF THIS BOOK BECAUSE 
 
 SHE CLAIMS THAT I SAT UP 
 
 LATER AT NIGHT WHILE 
 
 WRITING IT THAN I 
 
 DID 
 
 WHILE COURTING HER 
 
Preface 
 
 AM about to speak plainly, and 
 about myself. 
 
 Every one who buys this 
 
 book is my friend — at the time of buying 
 
 it, anyway — and, as it is perfectly proper 
 
 to speak about one's self to friends, I feel 
 
 that you will not think me magniloquent, 
 
 thrasonical or gasconading when you read 
 
 what I have to say in this little foreword. 
 
 I am a historian, a statistician and a 
 
 philanthropist. 
 
 I am : 
 
 A historian, because I can write his- 
 
 7 
 
PREFACE 
 
 tory the like of which no man has ever 
 dared to turn out. Facts and fiction 
 are sisters, and as they were strangers 
 — according to an old adage — I have 
 brought them together at a family re- 
 union. 
 
 A statistician, because I have learned, 
 by looking over statistics, that there are 
 about 80,000,000 people in the United 
 States to-day. 
 
 A philanthropist, because I have given 
 my brethren a history of the early years 
 of their country that will benefit them 
 greatly. I can also truthfully say that 
 it contains not one word that will harm 
 the sturdy minds of "Young America." 
 
 As I have said, I have figured that 
 
PREFACE 
 
 there are 80,000,000 people in the coun- 
 try now. I have also reckoned on the 
 saying that the average American family 
 consists of five people. 
 
 Now, you must admit that every 
 American family should own a history of 
 the United States, and to tell the truth, I 
 cannot at the present moment think of 
 any history that would better adorn your 
 bookshelf or parlor table — if you keep 
 your precious volumes in the parlor — 
 than my own great book, which you now 
 have in your hands. 
 
 By dividing 80,000,000 by 5, I find that 
 there are 16,000,000 families amongst 
 us at the present time. I am planning 
 on copies of this book entering at least 
 
PREFACE 
 
 15,000,000 of these family circles by June 
 1st. 
 
 I trust that I may not be disappointed. 
 
 I know you will be pleased with 
 "Twisted History," for we guarantee 
 it can be readily digested without the aid 
 of pepsin. 
 
 TO 
 
Contents 
 
 CHAPTER PAGE 
 
 I. Christopher Columbus ... 75 
 
 II. More Wise Boys . .... 37 
 
 III. Raising the Dutch . . . 55 
 
 IV. Reverse English Companies . 71 
 V. More English Doings . . . qq 
 
 VI. i>Y//y /Vj*» #«df iS&ftK* 0/" His 
 
 Friends ....... 7/7 
 
 VII. The Lucky Thirteen . . . iji 
 
 VIII. The Beginning of the Scrap . /</(? 
 
 IX. Hot Times 171 
 
 X. Crossing the Ice — and Other 
 
 Stunts 191 
 
List of Illustrations 
 
 FACING PAGE 
 
 They had gone about two blocks when 
 they ran into a tribe of Indians. 
 — Frontispiece 2 
 
 When Amerigo returned he was be- 
 sieged by the yellow evening news- 
 papers 36 
 
 He was compelled to stand on deck 
 and bow to the Manhattan Indians 54. 
 
 The fire engines were called out to 
 extinguish the " burning gent " . jo 
 
 Landing of the first bunch of Pil- 
 grims g8 
 
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 FACING PAGE 
 
 Spouted to all those of the Congre- 
 gation who had managed to keep 
 awake 116 
 
 1 ' Yours of last year just received ' ' . ijo 
 
 Paul Revere flung himself into the 
 saddle and rode away 148 
 
 Our old friend George Washington 
 started in to make himself felt . . 170 
 
 Washington crossing the Delaware . igo 
 
 14 
 
Twisted History 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS 
 
 m 
 
 HE first person and main guy to 
 be considered by the historian 
 who would do the proper thing 
 and give a full and true account of the 
 ups and downs of the great United States, 
 is Christopher Columbus, the real boy 
 who fired the pistol that gave the New 
 World its start. Hence I will say a few 
 words, in fact, all I know, about Chris, 
 the great discoverer. 
 15 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Little Chris was born, so they tell me, 
 in Genoa, Italy, about 1445, and he grew 
 up to be an ambitious lad and mama's 
 pet. He went to the public schools until 
 he was fourteen and when he left it was, 
 I think, at the special request of the sour 
 old Board of Education, because little 
 Chris spent most of his days playing 
 hookey and more time practising sailors' 
 knots than he did learning to repeat the 
 multiplication tables. On good author- 
 ity, I find that Christopher was unable 
 at the age of fourteen to name, in order, 
 the presidents and vice-presidents of the 
 United States, with their dates. He 
 knew nothing of George Washington 
 
 and his hatchet, and, in fact, a ten-year- 
 
 16 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 old schoolboy of to-day knows more 
 about such things than Columbus did at 
 twenty. 
 
 After he left school — again at the re- 
 quest of the Board of Education — his 
 mother, like all doting owners of bright 
 boys, had great hopes for him, and 
 planned that he should go into busi- 
 ness with a banana stand on the corner 
 of Twenty-third Street and Vermouth 
 Avenue. But not on your life for Chris- 
 topher ! This little son of Italy was not 
 for the banana trade at all, at all. He 
 wanted to go into the sailor business, 
 and from daylight to dark he loved to 
 dally about the barnacle-beridden docks, 
 listening to the sailors repeating their 
 17 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Sunday-school lessons. He was always 
 daffy when he heard the old salty-look- 
 ing mariners talking shop, and one even- 
 ing when he came home and cried out, 
 " Shiver my timbers," mother dear knew 
 it was all off, and that her little Chris- 
 topher was cut out for a rover on the 
 raging main. 
 
 Soon after that his old man got him a 
 job on a sailing vessel, and he proved to 
 be such a wise young gazabe, and learned 
 so much all in a bunch that he was made 
 commander two weeks after he shipped. 
 He used to sail to the Canary Islands, 
 and people have said that it was he who 
 invented the Canary bird ; but for this 
 statement, being a faithful chronicler of 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 facts, I cannot stand sponsor. He was 
 also game enough to sail down the coast 
 of Africa several times, never having 
 nerve enough, however, to lose sight of 
 land, and at one time he came near land- 
 ing at Cape Town and exploring the 
 kopjes, but the funny names he saw on 
 the map put a crimp in his courage, and 
 he was scared off. 
 
 One day, while he was loafing around 
 Lisbon after a voyage, he decided — as 
 do all sailors who feel earth under their 
 feet — to liquor up a bit, so he dropped 
 into an old tavern that was noted for its 
 sosh liquids. The head waiter put him 
 down at a table where another fellow was 
 sitting, for the place put up a good free 
 19 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 lunch and was always crowded, and 
 Chris, after he had gotten outside of a 
 drink or two, began to develop talkitis. 
 He soon found that his newly found 
 messmate was a wine drummer, who rep- 
 resented a firm on the Madeira Islands, 
 and before long the two became good and 
 chummy. 
 
 Now, there is nothing like alcoholic 
 dampness to encourage the growth of 
 friendship, and as the wine agent had 
 been opening his own brand all the morn- 
 ing, just to show the proprietor that it 
 was not poison, he was feeling well 
 primed. Columbus, being not such a 
 much of a tank, was also feeling his oats 
 soon after his second high-ball, so about 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 r^r -*~~ 
 
 twenty minutes after they met the drum- 
 mer and the mariner were holding each 
 other's arms and singing " In the Good 
 Old Summer Time " to a tune that al- 
 lowed of many barber-shop chords. 
 
 From the song it was but a step to 
 another proposition. 
 
 " Say, pard," said the drummer, count- 
 ing his money again and ordering another 
 bottle of his own wine, with glasses for 
 two, "are you game?" 
 
 " Nothing else," replied Chris, lighting 
 a Turkish cigarette and also lighting on 
 a Swiss cheese sandwich that a waiter 
 had slipped in front of him. 
 
 " Well, there is a certain dame here in 
 town that I want you to meet, and you 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 never saw such a looker in all your days. 
 She is a beauteous maid for fair, and she 
 belongs to the smart set, at that. Her 
 old man is governor of the Madeira Is- 
 lands, and his pockets bulge with money, 
 like unto those all-grafters." 
 
 Columbus looked happy when he heard 
 this. He was quite a fusser with the 
 ladies, and he was not exactly averse to 
 the swell set, of which he had read so 
 much in the evening papers. 
 
 " How did you happen to break into 
 the upper ten ? " he asked, somewhat sur- 
 prised to think that a booze pedler could 
 mingle with the swaggers. 
 
 " Why, I'm a wine agent, friend," re- 
 plied the human sponge. " Where were 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 you brought up ? Don't you know that 
 wine agents are the whole cheese ? I 
 hope to marry a swell widow with more 
 money than brains some day and there- 
 after lead cotillons for the high mucka- 
 mucks that never work, like some other 
 wine agents I know. But there, enough 
 of my ambitions. Would you like to 
 meet the beaut, or would you not ? Speak 
 up, Chris." 
 
 " Sure, Mike," said Christopher, and 
 after another drink they were off to meet 
 the fair damsel whose father held down 
 the chief political job in the Madeira 
 Islands. 
 
 The wineseller took our hero around 
 to the best hotel in Lisbon, and gave him 
 23 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 a knockdown to the governor's daughter, 
 and it was all up with little Christopher ! 
 And it was all up with the little society 
 girl ! Love at first sight, too easy — and 
 the second look did not dispel the illu- 
 sion. 
 
 Columbus immediately fell in love with 
 the maiden, and a few days after they 
 were married at the ** little church around 
 the corner." It was awfully funny, too, 
 for about that time Columbus went 
 broke, as do all great men at one time or 
 another, so he and his bride went to live 
 on the Madeira Islands and also on the 
 young lady's papa, the Gov. 
 
 Now, for a long time Christopher Co- 
 lumbus had had the idea under his hat that 
 24 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 the earth on which he lived looked like a 
 Bartlett pear. Several others thought 
 that the world was round, but Columbus 
 was, I think, the first to call attention to 
 the fact that it resembled a Bartlett pear. 
 Just why he made this statement has 
 never quite been understood by us his- 
 torians, but I have often claimed that it 
 was Italian instinct to think of fruit, first 
 of all, in making a simile. At any rate, 
 he claimed that it would be possible to 
 sail to the westward and keep on sailing, 
 and, if you did not care what became of 
 you or your ship, there was a very good 
 chance of your landing on the eastern 
 coast of Japan. 
 
 He confided his idea to his father-in- 
 25 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 law, the governor, and, as the old man 
 liked Chris, he said he thought there 
 might be something in the scheme, but, 
 as both he and Columbus were away up 
 on the tenth floor of their uppers and 
 had but a few simoleons, or whatever 
 kind of money they had on the Madei- 
 ras, they were unable to equip an expedi- 
 tion and take a chance for Japan. 
 
 Day by day Chris became more and 
 more daffy on the subject, and he was 
 nutty to get a boat and sail somewhere 
 toward the west. Finally, he could stand 
 the strain no longer, so he went back 
 home to Genoa and, after going to the 
 Columbus house and giving the family 
 
 the glad hand, he rushed down to the 
 
 26 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Board of Trade rooms and laid his plans 
 before the city council. He begged them 
 to advance the money for men and ships, 
 and he also promised to present his 
 home town with any old thing he discov- 
 ered, but it was of no use. They said 
 he was bughouse, and there was nothing 
 doine from the Genoa selectmen in the 
 line of a cash appropriation. So Chris- 
 topher shook a day-day. 
 
 From there he went to Portugal, and 
 explained his proposed stunt to the king 
 of that skinny strip of land. His majesty 
 was moved by the earnestness of Colum- 
 bus, and told him he was all right ; but 
 when it came to putting up the ready 
 
 money to fit out the fresh-air excursion 
 
 27 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 the wise old potentate stumbled and fell 
 down. Once more was our hero up 
 against the cold eye. 
 
 After his turn down in Portugal, he 
 visited Spain, where almost all the money 
 was (then), but as Spain was at war she 
 needed all the real cash she had on 
 hand, so Columbus had to smoke his 
 dope and dream of his future during 
 seven long weary years before the king 
 and queen would listen to his fairy tale. 
 When he did get them on a string, he 
 pumped hot air for all he was worth, and 
 his con talk went. They said they were 
 willing to take a chance, so, in order to 
 raise enough wherewithal to do the trick 
 
 up in proper shape, they called in Moses 
 
 28 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Cohen, a pawnbroker, and in return for 
 the royal paste jewels received a good- 
 sized check and a pink ticket. Then 
 Columbus and Spain drew up a contract 
 and arrangements were made for the 
 trip. 
 
 On August 3, 1492, Columbus with his 
 three dinky fishing boats set out for 
 America amid a cluster of great rejoic- 
 ings, consisting of many shouts, much 
 music, and a beautiful display of Pain's 
 fireworks. 
 
 Columbus was in high spirits as the 
 ships broke away from the dock, but as 
 days ran into days, and weeks came troll- 
 ing along with no land in sight, and no 
 
 prospects, the crew began to get sore. 
 29 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Columbus's high spirits began to fall off 
 and take a drop, and the fury of the men 
 began to fall on and take a rise. A fluc- 
 tuating stock market was never one, two, 
 three, with Columbus and his crew. The 
 sailors planned and plotted against the 
 great discoverer, and threatened to toss 
 him into the briny for the sharks to nibble 
 on ; but somehow Chris managed to hang 
 on and hold them down until one morn- 
 ing, about two o'clock, the tar who was on 
 the dog watch, whatever that is, sighted 
 land. Hurrah ! He ran down and told 
 the crew, and Columbus gave him a new, 
 crisp five-dollar bill, for he had promised 
 to do the grand for the first bright-eye 
 who sighted America. 
 
 30 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 At first Columbus thought they were 
 just off Coney Island, but on closer in- 
 spection the dirt they had spotted proved 
 to be San Salvador. About six a.m., they 
 hove to and landed, and after planting 
 the Spanish flag, which never took root, 
 they mixed a few Scotch high-balls, and 
 drank to the health of Spain, America, 
 and themselves. Then they lit their ci- 
 gars, and started out to take a look at 
 the real estate they had discovered. 
 
 They had gone about two blocks when 
 they ran into a tribe of Indians. It 
 looked like a wild west show at first, but 
 after a second look the newcomers de- 
 cided that the bunch of painted warriors 
 were the real thing, so Columbus selected 
 31 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 a few of the reddest redskins to take 
 back home as samples. 
 
 The Spaniards collected a lot of speci- 
 mens truly American, such as gold, In- 
 dians, etc., and went back to Spain. 
 That they were the whole thing when 
 they arrived home goes without saying, 
 and Columbus had six offers to go into 
 vaudeville, at fabulous salaries, but he 
 was too modest to accept, or if he did, 
 we have no proof of it, and I, as a truth- 
 ful historian, would not claim that he 
 did. 
 
 After that Columbus made two more 
 voyages to the New World, but his first 
 one was the most successful. 
 
 In 1506 he died, having done, in his 
 32 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 life, three great things — accomplished the 
 feat of getting money out of royalty ; 
 performed the wonderful trick of stand-" 
 ing an egg on end ; and finding a home 
 for the Irish. 
 
 Give a triple cheer for Chris. 
 
 33 
 
When Amerigo returned he was besieged by the 
 yellow evening newspapers. 
 
CHAPTER II 
 
 MORE WISE BOYS 
 
 HILE Columbus was doing the 
 grand for Spain, and making 
 discoveries right and left that 
 caused Ferdy, the king, to throw out his 
 chest and inflate his cranium until his 
 6y% crown was three sizes too small for 
 him, the other nations, having heard of 
 Chris and his wonderful lamps that could 
 spot land at three thousand miles, began 
 to get woozy, and cast the green eye on 
 the haughty Spaniard. Each country 
 wanted to add new real estate to its pos- 
 
 37 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 sessions, and seeing that sail boats were 
 pretty safe crafts in which to roam the 
 brine, they easily found skippers who 
 were tired of fishing for mackerel, and 
 more than glad to hunt for new land that 
 had never been touched. 
 
 Portugal hired a fellow by the name of 
 Vasco da Gama to sail around the salty 
 waters to see what he could run up against, 
 and, as luck would have it, the wind car- 
 ried him around the Cape of Good Hope 
 and landed him in India. Here he estab- 
 lished trading posts, and in less than a 
 year or so all the Portugeezers were eat- 
 ing chutney on their beefsteaks, and call- 
 ing it an Indian meal. Few historians 
 know that this is the derivation of the 
 38 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 words " Indian meal," and I am the one 
 who discovered it ; but do not think I am 
 boasting, gentle readers, for never a boast 
 from me, b'gosh. 
 
 In the same year that Vasco da Gama 
 did his Indian stunt, England decided to 
 get into the game of " ride and seek," and 
 sent out a ship under John Cabot, and 
 over the waves, to find a northwest pas- 
 sage to India. Now this passage comes 
 high on the map, and it is so cold that 
 Cabot could not have it, so he landed 
 on Cape Breton, wherever that may be, 
 sailed around for about nine hundred 
 miles — and that is about all he ever did 
 do, so we can well let little Johnny slide 
 without much further mention. The king 
 
 39 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 of England, Henry VII., said to himself, 
 one morning after breakfast and a Mar- 
 tini, "When Johnny comes marching 
 home he will have with him a northwest 
 passage to India. Then we will be much 
 hot stuff with our short cut." But as 
 John was a quitter, and gave up too soon, 
 he came back empty handed, so what is 
 the use of wasting time over him ? 
 
 S'long, Cabbie ! 
 
 The next wise boy we have to consider 
 was, in my opinion, the peach of them 
 all. He was a discoverer and a news- 
 paper man all rolled into one, and if 
 that does not make an up-to-date combi- 
 nation then I am not a great historian. 
 
 Amerigo Vespucci was the hero I mean, 
 40 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 and he had a nose for news that was 
 more than keen. Like the millionaire, 
 labor leader and actress of to-day, he 
 had things named for him, so he did. 
 
 Amerigo was a dago hailing from Flor- 
 ence, and, like Chris Columbus, he hired 
 out to Spain. Finding it did not pay 
 him, however, to hang up his hat and 
 stick to a job controlled by the steam- 
 heated bull-fighters, he quit 'em quick, 
 and soon after got next to a position with 
 Portugal. For this country he made sev- 
 eral trips across the " big pond," as the 
 plebeians of to-day call the Atlantic, and, 
 being a warm proposition, he landed on 
 the tropical shores of South America 
 each time he crossed. 
 41 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 On the way back from his last cruise 
 
 he spent most of his spare moments in 
 
 writing a " feature story " on all the 
 
 great things he had seen and done. He 
 
 was not the most modest thing that ever 
 
 happened, and the way he laid the sugar 
 
 icing all over himself would have made a 
 
 wedding cake look foolish. Columbus 
 
 showed the way to the westward, but, to 
 
 judge from Vespucci's article, he was the 
 
 hunky boy to whom all the credit was 
 
 due. It was he who did the real thing 
 
 in the discovery line, and compared with 
 
 the results of his voyages those of 
 
 Columbus looked like a dime and four 
 
 nickels. Chris was the original package, 
 
 but Vespucci was the straight goods re- 
 42 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 tailed over the counter at four hundred 
 per cent, profit. 
 
 When Amerigo returned from his last 
 trip, he was besieged by the yellow even- 
 ing newspapers that were then issuing 
 about thirteen extras per day on account 
 of the " New World Discoveries," and 
 each one offered him a larger check than 
 the one before, to have the right to 
 publish, exclusively, his copyrighted 
 article. Finally he sold it to the 
 " Strassburg Gazette," and the night it 
 was published there also appeared in the 
 editorial columns of the same paper a 
 suggestion by the editor, that the new 
 country that had just been added to the 
 map be called America, in honor of their 
 
 43 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 correspondent. This suggestion flew 
 around like wildfire and caught the 
 public fancy at once, and as a result the 
 explorer-reporter was responsible for the 
 name of our great and glorious country. 
 
 Hurrah! Hats off ! 
 
 The Spaniards realized that they were 
 doing great deeds, so they tried to keep 
 up the good work. Ponce de Leon, one 
 of their representatives, who was well up 
 on their salary list, governor of Porto 
 Rico and president of the " Cuban 
 Cigarette Trust," while making a voy- 
 age, landed on the coast of Florida on 
 Easter Sunday, in time for early mass. 
 On his way home from church with some 
 real Americans — or Indians, as they were 
 
 44 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 called then — he was told of a wonderful 
 spring that was located many miles, and 
 several moons, to the northward. 
 
 " Ponce, old boy," said one of the 
 Indians, who was particularly friendly 
 because de Leon had passed him a rank 
 five-cent cigar, " Ponce, you are a friend 
 of mine, and I want to put you wise to 
 something that makes one of those patent 
 medicines you see advertised in Chicago 
 monthlies look like knockout drops. I 
 know of a spring that will make you feel 
 like a two-year-old and look like a fellow 
 done over by Dr. Woodbury. It is the 
 sportiest thing in the U. S., and it is 
 called Saratoga Springs. It is the place 
 where all the flashy nouveaux riches 
 
 45 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 gather each year and spend their coin. 
 Take a chance at it, Ponce, old man, and 
 go back to Spain feeling twenty years 
 younger." 
 
 Well, this made de Leon do a bit of 
 guessing. Nothing was too much to 
 expect from the New World, and had he 
 been told that pesos grew on trees in 
 New Jersey, he would have believed it 
 when, as a matter of fact, mosquitoes 
 were the only things raised in that State 
 at that time. 
 
 11 That's just what I have been look- 
 ing for," replied Ponce to Booze-in-the- 
 Throat, the Indian, as he lit a fresh cigar. 
 " I do not mind telling you that I have 
 
 been somewhat of a sport in my time, 
 
 4 6 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 and I now feel sort of rickety — gin 
 rickety — ha! ha ! If I can get into con- 
 dition to start all over again, I will do it ; 
 so me for the rejuvenating spring, in a 
 minute. You can gamble on that." 
 
 So off hustled Ponce de Leon for 
 Saratoga, but as it was out of season 
 when he arrived, he found nothing in 
 the recuperating line doing ; so his get- 
 young-quick trip proved itself N. G., as 
 did many another trip of the nervy 
 adventurers of those days. 
 
 About this time there appeared an- 
 other great globe-trotter, who made a 
 name for himself, although his parents 
 had already made the name of Vasco 
 Nunez de Balboa for him. He was a 
 
 47 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Spaniard — he could not help it — and 
 soon after he struck America he was told 
 by the Indians that there was a great 
 ocean to the westward. That settled 
 Vasco. He decided in a minute, accord- 
 ing to his well-regulated Waterbury, to 
 find the new ocean. 
 
 For some reason or other all the 
 limited express trains to the Pacific coast 
 were sidetracked — some of us historians 
 think there was a strike in the Pullman 
 shops, but we are not sure — and Balboa 
 was compelled to hoof it clear across the 
 continent to San Francisco. Now let 
 me tell you, gentle readers, that it is a 
 good long walk to the town of the 
 
 Chinese, and if you do not believe me 
 
 4 8 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 ask some of the lean, lanky, gray-haired, 
 smooth-faced actors that you meet on 
 Broadway every day. They will tell you 
 that it is a fierce tramp, and as Balboa 
 did not follow railroad tracks laid out 
 by expert engineers, but cut through 
 corn fields and climbed over mountains, 
 you can guess what a hard job he had to 
 reach the Cliff House. 
 
 After biting his way with swords 
 through hostile tribes, he finally reached 
 Sutro Heights, from which he was able 
 to see the broad Pacific. He went in 
 swimming right away and thus showed 
 his right to call the great new ocean 
 a possession of Spain. " Hurrah!" he 
 telegraphed to the king of Spain, "I have 
 
 49 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 found an ocean that makes the Atlantic 
 look like a raindrop. What shall I do 
 with it?" 
 
 After this great pool of water had 
 been found by Balboa, the Spaniards 
 decided to use it ; so they sent out 
 another yachtsman by the name of 
 Magellan. He crossed the Atlantic, 
 rounded Cape Horn and sailed away 
 over the Pacific until he came to the 
 East Indies. From there his crew, for 
 he was killed by a trolley car on one 
 of the islands, sailed around Africa, 
 back to Spain. All this took more than 
 eighty days — but it was a trip around 
 the world. 
 
 So you can now see, gentle readers, 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 what a tough time our forefathers had 
 to prove the earth was round. But 
 they did it, and we Americans are the 
 result of their hard work. We are proud 
 of having been discovered so soon, and 
 just think what a terrible thing it would 
 have been had our discovery been put 
 off for five hundred years. It is in- 
 teresting to conjecture what each one 
 of us might have been, had such been 
 the case. Instead of being Americans 
 with healthy appetites for pie and good 
 old thirsts for anything we can get, 
 some of us would be Frenchmen, eating 
 snails and drinking absinthe ; Germans, 
 eating sauerkraut and drinking beer; 
 Englishmen, eating beef and drinking 
 51 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 ale, or Italians, eating macaroni and 
 drinking Chianti. 
 
 How happy we should be! 
 
 So much for the original discoveries, 
 readers. 
 
 52 
 
He was compelled to stand on deck and bow to 
 the Manhattan Indians. 
 
CHAPTER III 
 
 RAISING THE DUTCH 
 
 HILE Spain, France and Portu- 
 gal were sending out ships and 
 men, helter-skelter, on discover- 
 ing trips, there was a certain bouquet of 
 rotund, florid Dutch brewers who were 
 quietly reading accounts of what was be- 
 ing done in the New World. The ship- 
 ping news of the Amsterdam Hofbrau 
 was the most popular department of the 
 paper, and as it was in charge of the 
 bright young reporter whose name was 
 Hans — I believe in putting in details 
 
 55 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 that other historians leave out — who 
 knew the value of a feature story, 
 whether it was true or merely good read- 
 ing, it often contained very flowery stuff 
 and news that incited the brewers to 
 action. They read about the great stunts 
 that were being done in the U. S. and 
 they soon found out that the exploring 
 bee was buzzing in their Dutch bonnets. 
 Now business was pretty good in Hol- 
 land and the merchants of that place 
 were anxious to dilute the whole earth 
 with their beer, and as Magellan had 
 proved the earth was round they knew 
 that they could sell several quarts of the 
 hop mixture before the whole world was 
 covered. 
 
 56 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 This being: well known, a bunch of 
 them got together and had a meeting, 
 and during the confab one of them arose 
 and said : 
 
 "Say, vellers, ve are making a lods of 
 money, bud vy nod some more make? 
 Hey?" 
 
 "Vy nod?" yelled the rest of the 
 crowd. 
 
 "Dot's vat I say. 'Vy nod?' Und I 
 haf a idea vat I vant to explanation. Der 
 vay to der East H indies is a easiness to 
 find, as I dink, und I say dot ve hire 
 some veller vat don't gif a hurrah vetter 
 he geds boatwrecked or nit und ged him 
 to find der vay. Yust dink vat a skinch 
 id vill be to ged our beer introduction 
 
 57 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 indo der East Hindies vere der vetter is 
 such a hodness dot eferyboty has a con- 
 tinuation performance thirstiness. Oh, id 
 vould be like finding money." 
 
 "Sure, Mike," yelled a voice from the 
 crowd, "led's do id." 
 
 After much talking and consulting in 
 fractured English — for these Dutchmen 
 were the originators of the Weberfield 
 dialect — it was decided to form a trust 
 called the East India Company, and one 
 Hendrik Hudson was chosen to take a 
 chance at discovering new markets for 
 the liquid products of Holland. He was 
 given a ship called "The Half Moon," 
 and in this he was to sail away and hunt 
 for that northwestern passage to the East 
 
 5S 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Indies that was so often sought for but 
 never found. 
 
 In passing I take the liberty — which is 
 allowed all competent historians — of in- 
 terpolating an opinion that has long been 
 nestling beneath my sparse and gray 
 locks. It seems to me that the name of 
 the boat sent out upon such an errand as 
 I feel "The Half Moon" was should have 
 been named "The Full Moon." What 
 do you think about it ? Facts are facts, 
 however, and such being the case, my 
 opinion in this matter is without weight, 
 although it has a flavor, so to speak, has 
 it not, readers? 
 
 In 1609 Henny set sail, and as the 
 ice forbade him the northwestern passage, 
 59 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 he decided to have a look at the New 
 World anyway; so he struck the U. S. 
 square in the harbor of New York and 
 sailed up the river that bore his name. 
 He was somewhat surprised to find the 
 beautiful waterway named after him, and 
 as he passed the Palisades on his way to 
 Albany, he was compelled to stand on 
 deck all the while and bow to the Man- 
 hattan Indians that were sitting on the 
 rocks and cheering the namesake of the 
 Hudson River. As he told his sister 
 afterwards, it was the proudest moment 
 of his life when he saw those decorated 
 Americans perched like birds, feathers 
 and all, reclining over the beautiful land- 
 scape, waving their red blankets in their 
 60 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 enthusiasm, until the whole scene re- 
 sembled an animated, impressionistic 
 sunset. 
 
 How's that, readers? 
 
 But I must not allow my beautiful 
 thoughts to run at random with my pen. 
 I must get me back to Hendrik and tell 
 posterity what he managed to do before 
 he died. 
 
 After Hudson had seen all he cared to 
 on the Hudson River he sailed back to 
 the old sod once again, landing in Eng- 
 land and sending his report to the Dutch 
 from that place. The brewers were sore 
 because he had not found the route to 
 India, so he flung aside the East India 
 colors and shipped under the Union Jack. 
 
 61 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 All his following voyages were made for 
 England. But he never amounted to 
 much except to get things named after 
 him, so we can well let him drop. Thud! 
 That for you, Hendrik ! 
 
 But the Dutch did not give up their 
 hold on the New World. They kept 
 their eyes on two sites — one was New 
 York and the other was Milwaukee — 
 although little was said about the latter 
 until later. However, I know for a fact 
 that several Dutchmen decided to make 
 Milwaukee famous about four hundred 
 years ago — but more of this in another 
 chapter. 
 
 A company was formed in Holland, 
 
 called the New Netherland Company, and 
 
 62 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 they settled in New York, somewhere on 
 Sixth Avenue, I have been told, and 
 they did lots of business with the Indians 
 that could always be found in that vicin- 
 ity. In passing I might say that Indians 
 can be found to this day on Sixth Avenue, 
 anywhere between Twenty-third and 
 Thirtieth Streets. Of course, this is a 
 digression, but it is a fact, none the less. 
 The Dutch flocked to New York, or 
 New Amsterdam, as they called the big 
 burg, and planted corn, cattle and all 
 sorts of other vegetables until the colony 
 was one big farm, and a thriving one at 
 that. When they first started into the 
 colonization business the Indians were 
 somewhat leery of them, but the little 
 
 63 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 round Hollanders soon changed this con- 
 dition to "beery," and that meant friend- 
 liness. 
 
 In order to induce men to occupy New 
 Netherland, the company's directors met 
 one evening in Von Zweibach's palm 
 garden and decided to allow any of its 
 members who should buy a certain num- 
 ber of building lots or abandoned farms 
 from the Indian real-estate agents, and 
 form a colony of at least fifty persons, 
 the right to run the township thus formed, 
 with almost absolute control. Thus fifty 
 sports might form a colony, and box- 
 ine matches to a finish could be held 
 within their precincts, or they could keep 
 open on Sunday without sandwiches; or 
 64 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 if fifty of a sanctimonious nature desired 
 to have prayer meeting each evening and 
 six gatherings of the Ladies' Aid Society 
 per week, they could do so. The State 
 would never register the smallest kick. 
 In fact, things were freer then and there 
 than they are now and here in this so- 
 called "free country." By the way, if 
 any of my readers thinks this is really a 
 free country, let him take a little vacation 
 in Atlantic City or Saratoga. If he finds 
 anything "free" in either of these places, 
 he would do me a favor if he would let 
 me know; it would be worth a trip just 
 to go and take advantage of it. 
 
 The Indians did a flourishing land- 
 office business and their terms — one cold 
 65 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 stein down and two steins per week until 
 paid for, foam off for cash — suited the 
 colonists down to the ground. They 
 settled on each side of the Hudson and 
 even bought land down in Connecticut — 
 just why, I have never been able to find 
 out. 
 
 And now you must have a clear idea 
 of what our Dutch ancestors accomplished 
 in the dim past. They were quiet, in- 
 dustrious ancestors and were responsible 
 for several very important persons and 
 things. Almost all the big millionaire 
 families of to-day can blame their thrifty, 
 Dutch, great-great-great-grandpas for the 
 bundles of wherewithal they now pos- 
 sess. 
 
 66 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 The inhabitants of New Netherland 
 were directly responsible for the Holland 
 Dames, Holland Gin and the Holland 
 House, New York's ultra- fashionable 
 hostelrie, whatever that may mean. 
 
 You can't beat the Dutch ! 
 
 67 
 
The fire engines were called out to extinguish the 
 "burning gent. " 
 
CHAPTER IV 
 
 REVERSE ENGLISH COMPANIES 
 
 OW for a few words about Eng- 
 land's stabs at the western 
 hemisphere. I have not said 
 much about them, up to this time, for 
 the very reason that, up to this time, they 
 had not done very much. Sir Walter 
 Raleigh, an Elizabethan dude who never 
 worked two whole hours in his life, came 
 over in 1564. He landed on North 
 Carolina and tried to start a colony, but 
 all his attempts were fruitless, and when 
 he died, by the help of an axe, he had 
 71 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 really accomplished little else than to 
 learn to hit the pipe — for it was he who 
 traded vices with the Indians. He taught 
 them to enjoy a hot toddy and a Scotch 
 high-ball, and they reciprocated with a 
 warm bowl of Virginia cut plug. 
 
 He was entranced with the weed and 
 after his return from America made a 
 great sensation, one day, by strolling 
 down the Strand puffing away at an aged 
 corncob. They tell me the fire engines — 
 Departments 4 and 6 — were called out to 
 extinguish the ''burning gent," but of this 
 I am not sure, so I do not put it down 
 fbr a fact. I merely inject it here as an 
 anecdote, as all historians do now and 
 
 then, in order to make their work seem 
 
 72 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 more interesting. History, dear friends, 
 is a hard thing to write — not that I want 
 to pat myself gently on the right shoulder 
 and tell myself I am a wonder because I 
 can write history — and an occasional bit 
 of fiction helps to brighten pages that are 
 otherwise deep and tiresome. It makes 
 no difference how true an anecdote may 
 or may not be, we have to dish out a few 
 for you in order to make you say, at the 
 reading club — if you are a lady — " I love 
 to read history. It is so full of little 
 stories." Some of these stories may read 
 
 like press-agent stuff, but now I find 
 
 I am wandering, and a historian must 
 never wander. The beaten paths are for 
 him, so I will hie me back to the Eng- 
 
 73 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 lish and their deeds, immediately, if not 
 sooner, as the Podunk humorist would 
 say. 
 
 As I said before, the English never did 
 very much in the discovering line for the 
 U. S. — or any other line, as far as that is 
 concerned — until we began to issue gold 
 bonds. The other countries, such as 
 Spain, Portugal and Holland, pushed the 
 discoveries while the English did the 
 resting. 
 
 In 1606 King James I. of England 
 granted rights to two English companies 
 that were formed to resemble the Dutch 
 companies, to hold and rule over and do 
 any old thing they felt like doing, under 
 his thumb, in the land between Cape 
 74 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Fear and the St. Croix River. He 
 marked out the boundaries on an old 
 Rand, McNally atlas that had been 
 knocking around the palace for many 
 moons and he gave the northern portion 
 to a bunch he called the Plymouth Com- 
 pany and the southern part to the Lon- 
 don Company. The whole crowd was 
 incorporated under the laws of Maine, 
 which had been discovered by an Eng- 
 lishman, bah Jove, by the name of Pop- 
 ham, some years prior, and called the 
 Virginia Company — and there you have 
 the story of the combine in a nutshell. 
 
 King Jim was a sort of a hardshelled 
 crab and he was anxious to add to his 
 power. He had had a religious tussle 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 for a year or so and lost lots of votes on 
 that account, so he thought a few com- 
 panies such as the two he had sent to the 
 U. S. would bring him in a revenue that 
 would let him stand on his own feet once 
 again and in his own shoe leather. In 
 other words, he was on his uppers for fair 
 and here was a chance to make good, for 
 the New World contained all sorts of 
 riches, according to popular opinion, al- 
 though not even the Standard Oil Com- 
 pany was dreamed of in those days. 
 
 In 1607 the first English settlement in 
 America was made. The London Com- 
 pany sent out three vessels under the 
 command of Captain Christopher New- 
 port, and it was their intention to land on 
 76 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Roanoke Island. But intentions in those 
 days were about as certain as is the col- 
 ored vote of present times. A storm 
 came along toward the finale of the trip, 
 and instead of landing on Roanoke they 
 were tickled to death to blow into Chesa- 
 peake Bay, and there, under the shelter- 
 ing lees, whatever they may be, enjoy 
 safety, rest and Baltimore oysters. They 
 entered the bay with a suddenness such as 
 only a more than rigid breeze can furnish 
 to sailing craft, but they managed to name 
 the two capes they passed as they came 
 through the narrows. So it was that 
 Capes Henry and Charles were named 
 on the fly, so to speak, after the two fly 
 sons of Jim the Initial, King of England. 
 
 77 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 After they had gotten well into quiet 
 waters they had time to look about them, 
 and they found that they were just off the 
 entrance of a nice young river that had 
 never been named, so they sailed up this, 
 enjoying the scenery that was sprinkled 
 on either side. As this voyage was a 
 sort of a naming expedition, and each 
 of the members of the party was anx- 
 ious to sidle into the heart of the king, 
 with the hope that that personage would 
 make him governor, sooner or later, of 
 the colony they were about to establish, 
 they named everything they saw after the 
 royal family. The first river they used 
 in the U. S. they called the James, and 
 although the king never touched water 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 himself for any other purpose than bath- 
 ing, he was very chesty when he thought 
 of or spoke of the sinuous body of " aqua 
 impura " that was to hold his cog for all 
 its damp life. He was a peculiar sort of 
 a king, this fellow, and loved to be " it." 
 If a cheap cigar had been named after 
 him and advertised in all the monthly 
 magazines, and if three-sheets, telling all 
 about him and the fragrant puffs that could 
 be extracted from the " King James 
 Stogie," had been pasted on every vacant 
 fence in town, he would have enjoyed it 
 hugely. He was a spectacular gent and 
 no mistake, and the members of the Lon- 
 don Company were wise to this fact, too. 
 They knew their game, and played it well. 
 
 79 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 On May 13 they landed on the banks 
 of the James and started to fix up a burg 
 that they called Jamestown — also in honor 
 of their king — and after they got fairly 
 settled they opened a sealed letter that 
 Jim had given them with the instructions 
 that they should not open the prize pack- 
 age until they arrived at their final stop- 
 ping place. In the envelope were the 
 names of the seven men who were to act 
 as council for the new colony. The pre- 
 sident was found to be a Mr. Wingfield, 
 who had not left his stateroom during the 
 whole voyage from the old country until 
 smooth water was found in the Chesa- 
 peake, and among the members of the 
 
 city's selectmen were Chris Newport, after 
 
 80 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 whom several towns were named, prin- 
 cipally a gaudy watering-place that is 
 much affected by people with more money 
 
 than , and Bartholomew Gosnold, 
 
 popularly known as Barty, and Captain 
 John Smith, particularly known to the 
 people of to-day as a comic-opera charac- 
 ter. 
 
 Very few of the London Company had 
 ever been guilty of manual labor in Eng- 
 land. Most of them had been "gents of 
 leisure," to use a Bowery expression, and 
 when they found that gold nuggets could 
 not be picked up in the gutters of James- 
 town's streets they were the possessors of 
 much embarrassment, but they showed 
 good nerve. They fell to work and cut 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 down trees to be used for houses in which 
 they were to live. The fall was so deep 
 and steep that it fractured the pride of 
 a lot of them, but they soon found that 
 Jamestown was not London — no one 
 could be bought to do the work of 
 another, so busy was each doing his own 
 little chores in the line of raising a roof 
 over his head. As a result, every fellow 
 had to wield the axe and lead the plough 
 for his own little self. 
 
 Their first summer was a hard one. 
 The peninsula on which Jamestown was 
 situated was about as healthy as are 
 the flats around Jersey City. It was 
 damp, mosquitoey and malarial. The 
 
 broom of pestilence swept away half of 
 
 82 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 the colony during the hot months, and if 
 the Indians had not provided the other 
 half with handouts now and then, they 
 would have starved to death. As it was, 
 the largest portion of the city of James- 
 town was a graveyard in less than a year 
 after the London Company arrived. 
 
 The Indians were, for the most part, 
 very friendly, but they had never forgot- 
 ten some of the wrongs they had suffered 
 at the hands of Raleigh in years gone by. 
 Sir Walt had the burning of Indian vil- 
 lages and the slaughter of innocent red- 
 skins down to a fine art, and he was 
 never happy unless he was making some 
 poor savage dance under the stimulus of 
 hot lead. He ever held his torch ready 
 83 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 to start their wigwams toward ashes. 
 Whenever he travelled over a stretch of 
 Indian country he always left behind him 
 a trail of losses for the fire insurance com- 
 panies ; and the Indians — well, they were 
 getting confounded (?) tired of it. When 
 the London Company had come along 
 they were, naturally enough, still some- 
 what under the influence of their ancient 
 soreness, and looked upon the newcomers 
 as another bunch of arson and murder 
 propagators. 
 
 Some enterprising historian, knowing 
 the feelings of the Indians toward the 
 white strangers in those days, has in- 
 vented a pretty and popular anecdote 
 that I will repeat, in my own words, for 
 8 4 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 the edification and amusement of my mil- 
 lions of readers. No history would be 
 complete without this romantic tale, and 
 as I mean that this, my great life work, 
 shall be the most complete resume of 
 daring deeds and direful doings that has 
 ever been penned and retailed to the 
 great and appreciative public, I am wal- 
 lowing among the cobwebs of antiquity 
 and — there, there, pardon me for wander- 
 ing again, but I should have been a stout, 
 well-fed novelist rather than a lean, half- 
 fed historian, so that I could paint beau- 
 tiful word pictures. Enough, however ; 
 let us return to the romantic tale I am 
 about to untwist. 
 
 The leading characters of this melo- 
 
 S5 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 drama are Captain John Smith, con- 
 sidered, since the spread of the story of 
 his life, the real leader of the Jamestown 
 colony; Powhatan, a crusty Indian chief 
 who plays the part of villain in the story; 
 and Pocohontas, his beautiful daughter. 
 I have seen many red squaws in my time, 
 from Colorado to the State of Washing- 
 ton, but never in all my experience have 
 I ever seen a looker among them — the 
 other side of the street for me when one 
 of these comes along — but they say Pocy 
 had the goods so far as looks were con- 
 cerned, and to keep up interest in the 
 story I myself must claim this as gospel 
 truth. 'Twixt you and me, nevertheless, 
 I doubt it. 
 
 86 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 It seems that our old friend John 
 Smith was an ardent hunter. If he was 
 not hunting for trouble he was crazy to 
 look for game. He loved to carry a 
 heavy blunderbuss through the under- 
 brush and with it shoot a stray squirrel 
 or bear, now and again, and on one oc- 
 casion whilst he and two of his friends 
 were skirmishing through the woods, too 
 far from their own little huts, looking for 
 something to bag, they were found and 
 collared by some Indians who straight- 
 way took them as trophies of the hunt to 
 their chief Powhatan, the sourball. When 
 old Pow saw the white triumvirate he was 
 very sore indeed, and before you could 
 wink three times he had sent two of them 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 over the range to the happy hunting 
 grounds. He was quite a sportsman him- 
 self and he liked to see an even score in 
 any game, and as the death tally, up to 
 that time, was about 800 to 1 in favor 
 of the English, Powhatan was proud to 
 think that he was about to reduce it to 
 800 to 4. 
 
 After he had done away with the two 
 companions of Smith he centred his at- 
 tention on the captain. He had a beauti- 
 fully carved stone brought to him and 
 this he planned to use as a pillow for 
 Smitty's head. He made that gentleman 
 assume a reclining position and place his 
 block upon the block, thus to facilitate 
 the act of decapitation. When all ar- 
 
 S3 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 rangements had been made and he held, 
 raised above him, the axe that was about 
 to separate John and his life forevermore 
 — just at this moment, mind you, in order 
 to make the scene the more melodramatic 
 — his beautiful daughter, Pocohontas, ran 
 down the steps of the piazza that sur- 
 rounded the " Powhatan Wigwam " and 
 cried out in a musical voice, "Papa, oh, 
 papa, do not disconnect the apex of Mr. 
 Smith from its foundation. In other 
 words, old man, spare his life for the 
 sake of your little daught." And with 
 these words flowing freely from her ruby 
 lips she fell at the side of Smith and en- 
 circled his neck with her plump, blushing 
 
 arms, weeping profusely, until the tears 
 
 8 9 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 trickled off her long black lashes and fell 
 with little thuds upon the bosom of Mr. 
 Smith's boiled shirt. 
 
 Gee ! It was heartrending. Honestly, 
 it was. 
 
 When Powhatan saw this advertise- 
 ment of emotion on the part of his only 
 child he lowered his axe and said, in his 
 deep bass voice, " Fine stage business, 
 my child. Timed to the moment. Let 
 me think for a second or two." So he 
 wrapped himself in thought and his 
 blanket, and thunk. 
 
 Just what he thunk we do ixOt know, 
 
 but I have my theories. He no doubt 
 
 said to himself, " Here is a chance to 
 
 marry my daughter into English aristoc- 
 
 9 o 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 racy. I am an American and naturally I 
 would like to see my daughter hitched to 
 a foreigner. Why not let this little ro- 
 mance find its culmination in an unhappy 
 marriage? Give the reporters a chance." 
 And with that he told Smith to arise, and 
 the scene that followed between the beau- 
 tiful red princess and the pardoned cap- 
 tain — well, it must be acted, for I can 
 never describe it, staid and unemotional 
 historian that I am. 
 
 At any rate, after this episode, Pow- 
 hatan was friendly toward the English, and 
 Smith introduced Pocohontas among the 
 upper ten of Jamestown. He never pop- 
 ped the vital question himself, but a fel- 
 low named John Rolfe, who wanted to 
 91 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 get his name in this history, did, and she 
 took him on the spot. "All Johns look 
 alike to me," she said to herself, " and if 
 I cannot have John Smith give me John 
 Rolfe." And so it was that Mr. and Mrs. 
 Rolfe happened. Her husband took her 
 to England, and in London she made 
 quite a hit. She was the first married lady 
 of a red complexion that had ever been in 
 that town, and, being a novelty, she was 
 considered the real thing, just as are nov- 
 elties in New York society to-day. Buf- 
 falo Bill's Wild West Show has since taken 
 her place in the hearts of London society. 
 
 And that is about all there is to the 
 tale. What do you think of it ? 
 
 After this little incident matters went 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 from bad to worse with the Virginia col- 
 ony. They starved and they were op- 
 pressed. A man by the name of Lord 
 Delaware was sent over and he ruled as 
 though he were a king. The people 
 loved him about as much as they loved 
 malaria, and at that time there was no 
 cure for either, so you can appreciate the 
 simile — if you have had malaria, and I 
 hope you have not. 
 
 To speak frankly, Lord Delaware was 
 a lobster. 
 
 About this time two things happened 
 that were O.K. for Virginia. Tobacco 
 found a ready sale in England and the 
 colonists raised it for foreign consump- 
 tion. That's number one. 
 
 93 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Number two was the new governor, 
 Mr. Yeardley, who was sent out by a new 
 faction that was against the king. This 
 new man was a corker, to use an expres- 
 sion of one of the colonists, and he al- 
 lowed the people to make their own laws. 
 If they wanted a beer after eleven p.m. or 
 on Sundays they could vote "Yes " with- 
 out any king to bother them. In other 
 words everything was local option. 
 
 About this time a Dutch vessel came 
 up the James River with a carload of 
 negroes fresh from Africa and the Dutch- 
 men sold the whole bunch to the colo- 
 nists at bargain prices. This was the 
 beginning of slavery in the U. S. 
 
 And now, gentle readers, you have 
 
 94 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 learned about all there is to know about 
 the London Company and the Virginia 
 Colony, so I will shut the door of this 
 chapter with a slam. 
 
 That's all. 
 
 Bang ! 
 
 95 
 
o* 
 
Landing of the first bunch of Pilgrims. 
 
CHAPTER V 
 
 MORE ENGLISH DOINGS 
 
 ART of this chapter concerns 
 the Pilgrims, as they were 
 known in those days, which 
 word in modern, up-to-date parlance 
 means nothing more nor less than ho- 
 boes, or wanderers. 
 
 In England the Church of England 
 held all the power. If you did not be- 
 long to this church, agree with their 
 views and pay your pew rent regularly 
 you were subject to fines or imprison- 
 ment. In other words, the police courts 
 
 ILofC. " 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 and the churches stood in with each 
 other. 
 
 Now, as was natural, amongst such a 
 crowd of population as England then 
 claimed, some of the people objected to 
 this tyrannic rule of the church, and as a 
 result they pulled away from it. On this 
 account they were nicknamed " Sepa- 
 ratists," and they left England because of 
 " oppression," as they called it. The 
 "Separatists" first emigrated to Holland, 
 and there started up churches according 
 to their own views, but before long they 
 concluded that if they remained in that 
 country, all their grandchildren would 
 talk nothing but Dutch. That did not 
 please them, so they looked for new 
 
 IOO 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 worlds to conquer, and hence got the 
 New World idea in their heads. 
 
 They decided to give us a trial here in 
 the U. S. There was no room for them 
 within the city limits of Jamestown, be- 
 cause there it would have been required 
 of them to attend the Church of Eng- 
 land at least sixteen times per week. 
 They thought of New Netherlands for a 
 moment or two, but there they would 
 run against the same snags they were 
 bumping into in Holland. By gosh, they 
 didn't know what to do. 
 
 Finally they collected a lot of old fur- 
 niture, blue plates, and other rubbish and 
 sailed from Delft-Haven in a boat called 
 the Speedwell. They were joined at 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Southampton, England, by the ship that 
 has made more money for the Boston 
 dealers in ancient furniture and cracked 
 plates than any other craft that ever cut 
 through green salt water. This boat was 
 the Mayflower, and with it the Speedwell 
 and the Pilgrims started out one beauti- 
 ful morning, full of hope and spring 
 water, for that was the strongest bever- 
 age this crowd ever touched. On such 
 an occasion as this the ordinary man 
 would have hit one or two for luck, but 
 the Pilgrims — well, I guess not. 
 
 After putting out to sea they found 
 that the Speedwell had lost all her speed 
 on account of a leak she had carelessly 
 brought with her, so the whole bunch of 
 
 102 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 hoboes — I should say Pilgrims — had to 
 turn back and beach the leaking vessel. 
 It is not strange to me that this boat was 
 holey, considering the holy host it had 
 on board and — but this is no time for 
 jokes ; and puns, being cheap wit, are not 
 to be indulged in by high-salaried his- 
 torians such as myself. Pardon me, dear 
 readers, and I will never do it again. 
 
 As a result of the breakdown all the 
 Pilgrims piled into the poor old May- 
 flower with their household goods and 
 chattels, and once again a start was made 
 for the New World. They tried to 
 reach the Jersey coast, but as very, very 
 good luck for them would have it, they 
 
 were driven, by a storm, from this sec- 
 103 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 tion of the U. S. and finally cast anchor 
 off Cape Cod in Massachusetts. 
 
 They happened to land at a place that 
 is of no earthly good save as a summer 
 resort (all places that are worthless, in our 
 day, are used for summer places), so they 
 crossed the bay and entered the sheltered 
 harbor of Plymouth, as they named the 
 place, because John Smith, the fellow who 
 had the romantic experience with the In- 
 dian princess in the last chapter, had given 
 the locality that name before, and also be- 
 cause they had seen Plymouth, England, 
 last of all when they sailed toward the 
 promised land. They landed on a large 
 rock, so tradition goes, and thousands 
 
 of travellers still go down to Plymouth 
 104 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 to see that rock. It is particularly famous 
 because a brand of three-dollar pants was 
 named " Plymouth Rock," and warranted 
 not to rip, but this really has nothing to 
 do with the history, and I should not have 
 mentioned it here. The year of landing 
 was 1620. 
 
 The first governor of the Plymouth 
 Company was John Carver. Besides being 
 chosen to hold down the gubernatorial 
 campstool he was also made superinten- 
 dent of Sunday Schools, which, by the 
 way, dear readers, was no mean job, as the 
 whole of Plymouth was one religious body 
 that observed Sunday School sessions 
 each day of the year. 
 
 They say that the good die young, and 
 105 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 perhaps that is why the company was 
 deceased during the first winter spent in 
 the U. S. They kept deceasing at such 
 a rapid rate during the months of Janu- 
 ary and February, 1621, that it looked 
 as though tombstones would be the only 
 relics of the Pilgrims, so in April they 
 sent the Mayflower back to England for 
 more stock and furniture. The people 
 who came over on the second trip were 
 not all of the same faith as the Pilgrims, 
 and, as a result, Plymouth began to be- 
 come more cosmopolitan, harboring folks 
 of all sorts and conditions. 
 
 After a growth of three years Plymouth, 
 all in a bunch, forsook the Plymouth 
 
 Trading Company and started in business 
 
 106 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 for itself. Each colonist was given a 
 piece of land and a fence around it, and 
 they were soon getting along nicely, thank 
 you, in true New England style and 
 thriftiness. 
 
 About this time another religious fac- 
 tion in England desired to get away from 
 the land of royalty. They were called 
 Puritans because they wished to purify the 
 Church of England. In fact, they were 
 purer than a certain widely advertised 
 baking powder that is guaranteed to be 
 " absolutely pure." They were too good 
 for this world, so they decided to go to 
 Massachusetts, and, in 1630, about one 
 thousand persons, high and low — jack and 
 the game — left England and sailed for 
 107 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Massachusetts Bay. They carried with 
 them the king's charter, and so undertook 
 to govern themselves in the king's name. 
 They landed at Salem, and the foxy 
 settlers who already held that place and 
 had it on a paying basis, told them that 
 there were far better places than theirs 
 and gently advised the newcomers to 
 look for them. The Puritans took the 
 hint and sailed down the coast to Boston 
 harbor, landing at Charlestown. The 
 U. S. navy-yard was not there at that 
 time, so they landed safely, but only a few 
 considered the place O. K., and many of 
 them crossed the Charles river and set 
 up shop on an inviting peninsula. They 
 called the place Boston, and proceeded 
 
 108 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 to cut streets and lay out house lots. 
 All historians, until I entered the field, 
 have claimed that the Puritans were 
 straight and nothing crooked could be 
 proved against them, but I challenge this 
 claim — how about the streets of Boston ? 
 If they were not laid out by a cross-eyed 
 C. E., then a vaudeville artist must have 
 done the trick, and a contortionist at that. 
 I leave it to you if I haven't a right to 
 this opinion. How about it? 
 
 The Boston settlers had come to stick. 
 They meant business with a capital B, 
 and they made Boston the capital B of 
 that locality. All the governing was 
 done from that place, and all the farmers 
 who lived in Dorchester, Roxbury and 
 109 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Chelsea had to pull on their boots and 
 come to town whenever it was time to vote. 
 
 The colony contained every kind of 
 artisan necessary to provide for the wants 
 of a community. There were in the 
 crowd bricklayers, shoemakers, butchers, 
 bakers and candlestickmakers. Beings 
 near the salt water, several of the more 
 roving took up fishing and boatbuilding 
 as trades, and before many moons Boston 
 was getting along swimmingly, even 
 though the swell Back Bay district was 
 not then in existence. 
 
 They decided to cut the king and his 
 power out of their colony. John Win- 
 throp, after whom Winthrop Beach, the 
 Coney Island of Massachusetts, was 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 named, was the first governor of the 
 settlement, and he was a daisy. There 
 are about twenty John Winthrops in the 
 Boston directory to-day, but I venture to 
 say that our John cut more ice in his day 
 — I must say for the benefit of those of 
 my gentle readers who do not understand 
 "street English," that John was not in 
 the ice business, but claimed farming as 
 his trade — than do any eight of the 
 present-day Johns. 
 
 For ten years the colony grew rapidly, 
 and in this time twenty thousand English 
 came over and settled in and about Bos- 
 ton. They came to New England to 
 escape a harsh church and harsher laws, 
 although I, for one, cannot see why their 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 own religious views and harsh laws were 
 not as bad as the ones they tried to shake. 
 In this case, it seems to me, the cure was 
 as bad as the disease. 
 
 The success of the Massachusetts 
 colony inspired many Englishmen who 
 were looking for large estates for nothing, 
 and before many years had passed nearly 
 all of New England was more or less 
 settled. Maine had been started before 
 Mass., and after the latter proved suc- 
 cessful New Hampshire and Vermont 
 began to get popular and populated. 
 The green fields of Connecticut also drew 
 a goodly bunch of settlers, and the 
 inhabitants of this section of the U. S. 
 soon developed a reputation for crafti- 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 
 ness. It has been said by some that the 
 first bunco steerer was a Connecticut 
 man, but we have no proof of this. Just 
 because some people in this State made 
 nutmegs on a turning lathe, all sorts of 
 fairy tales about these people have arisen. 
 As for myself, I have been in Connecticut 
 many times and I have never been beaten 
 but once — that was because I bet on 
 Princeton instead of Yale at the New 
 Haven House. Those were happy col- 
 lege days ; ah, those happy days, so free 
 from care, but never free from debts. 
 How often did a game wipe out a bank 
 account and how often was the old dress 
 suit hung up to get the price to go down 
 to New York. But there — enough about 
 113 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 the halcyon days at old Nassau with its 
 pure air and its proximity to Trenton. 
 
 Rhode Island was first settled at Prov- 
 idence by Roger Williams, a preacher 
 exiled from Massachusetts. He named 
 the town Providence because he claimed 
 it was provided as a place of refuge by 
 God. If Roger could see the place now 
 and spend a few days in his old town he 
 would agree that Providence must have 
 forgotten the place long ago. 
 
 And so, gentle readers, you have a 
 mild idea of New England before it 
 really had a good start. The soil was 
 rich and the settlers were crafty— hence 
 the flourishing N. E. to-day. 
 
 Thanks, Yanks 
 
 114 
 
Spouted to all those of the Congregation who had 
 managed to keep awake. 
 
CHAPTER VI 
 
 BILLY PENN AND SOME OF HIS FRIENDS 
 
 BOUT the time the Puritans 
 were beginning to become im- 
 portant and do business in 
 England and New England there ap- 
 peared on the scene of the religious play 
 a new character. The fellows name was 
 George Fox ; he played a serious part 
 and called himself a Friend. He spoke 
 like an ancient prophet and if he was 
 alive to-day he would no doubt hire the 
 Madison Square Garden and hold a sanc- 
 timonious circus, as do present-day pro- 
 117 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 phets — but some prophets are in the busi- 
 ness for profit and some — but pardon me 
 again, learned readers, for punning. I 
 really cannot understand why a great 
 historian, with a nine and seven-eighths 
 brain, such as I am, should resort to puns 
 to hold your interest, but really I must 
 confess my weakness and they show up 
 in every chapter, gol ding ! I promise I 
 will not do it again, in this chapter, so 
 avaunt, puns. Begone ! 
 
 Returning to Fox, the Friend, be it 
 said that he had a lot of new-fangled 
 ideas tucked under his broad-rimmed hat, 
 and in those days he was looked upon as 
 a first-class freak. He taught that there 
 was no church except in the meeting to- 
 ns 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 gether of friends. When these friends 
 did get together in meeting they waited 
 until the spirit moved them and then 
 arose and spouted white talk that was 
 supposed to do a heap of good to all 
 those of the congregation who had man- 
 aged to keep awake. Some of their talk 
 was far from white and took on a yellow 
 hue, for they often berated the condition of 
 the law and religion of England, but the 
 creed of the Friends, being peculiar, be- 
 came popular and Fox soon found that 
 he had a pile of followers. 
 
 Fox said that there was no difference 
 between men in rank and he could not 
 be coaxed — by a bayonet or otherwise — 
 
 to remove his lid when in the presence 
 
 119 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 of royalty or greatness. Not on your 
 life! If he met Cromwell at one of the 
 London restaurants or night lunch carts 
 he would keep his hat securely located 
 on the spot where he had placed it in the 
 morning and say, ''Oliver, hello! What 
 are you going to eat?" and when the 
 waiter yelled out " Ham and — " or " Draw 
 one," for Cromwell, Fox would say, " I'll 
 take the same," just to show that one 
 man's digestive powers were as good as 
 another's. 
 
 The Friends were driven from pillar to 
 post. After each meeting held by this 
 sect they spent the night in the station 
 house. They never failed to find the 
 police cab waiting to conduct them to 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 green light Number 4 or 8, according to 
 the ward in which their gatherings were 
 held. 
 
 This was discouraging, so one morning 
 after they had been bailed out of the jug 
 they got together, had a smoke talk 
 (without the smoke, for one of the laws 
 of the Friend religion is, " Never do any- 
 thing that is pleasant"), chartered a boat 
 and sailed away for New England. Here 
 they met the frigid stare. The ice pitcher 
 was passed out to them without ringing 
 for it, so they had to skedaddle from that 
 section of the U. S., double-quick. 
 
 About this time a rich nobleman — there 
 were such things in those days of old — 
 named William Penn, became intoxicated 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 with the doctrines of Fox, and soon after 
 he began to feel his oats of Quaker- 
 ism — hence the well-known and popular 
 " Quaker Oats " — he came into possession 
 of a strip of land in New Jersey, through 
 a debt, and, having no other use for the 
 land, he decided to plant a few Quaker 
 colonies in the place. Now, Penn had 
 never seen his piece of property, which 
 was in West Jersey, and he had never 
 run against any of the sand-burrs and mos- 
 quitoes which that section of our great 
 and glorious country furnishes, so he can- 
 not be said to have had a grudge against 
 any of the innocent Friends that he per- 
 suaded then to settle down on and try to 
 farm his preserves, but, as the Friends 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 were what would be called " easy" in our 
 day, they made no kick when they saw 
 the country, but set to work to cultivate 
 and populate it. 
 
 They started farms and towns, and be- 
 fore long the Jersey sweet potatoes and 
 watermelons were about the best things 
 in this line that had ever happened, and 
 all that the Quaker families in that vicin- 
 ity needed was a market for their products. 
 Now, as William Penn was an all-around 
 heavyweight, generous sort of a long- 
 haired, broad-brimmed, good fellow, he 
 decided to plant a new town just across 
 the river from Camden, New Jersey, and 
 after he had persuaded the king to grant 
 
 him a farm in that locality — on account 
 
 123 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 of a little bill that his majesty owed 
 Perm's father — he sailed away with a 
 fresh bunch of Quakers in 1682, and after 
 making a couple of stops at Newcastle, 
 Delaware, and Chester, Pa., he sailed up 
 the river to Philadelphia and laid the 
 corner-stone of that city where the Ridge- 
 way House now stands. 
 
 For two years Penn stayed in Philadel- 
 phia — which, I think, is the record ; for 
 how a man could stay any longer is more 
 than my imaginative brain can guess — 
 and his main object was to mosey up to 
 the right side of the Indians. He paid 
 them for all the land he took from them 
 — at the rate of one cent per front mile, 
 
 eight miles deep, which is about the price 
 
 124 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 of real estate in Brookline, Mass., to-day 
 (God forgive me for lying) — and he also 
 gave them presents. Just what the pres- 
 ents were we historians do not know, but 
 some say they were diamonds, pearl 
 brooches and gold hat-pins. I say they 
 were overshoes, nail-files and photographs 
 of Westminster Abbey, but of course (I 
 may as well confess) none of us know 
 just what he did give. You can gamble, 
 however, that he did not give away very 
 much, because he was a Quaker, and — 
 but I went to a Quaker school once, and 
 had to attend meeting every Wednesday, 
 so I am prejudiced. 
 
 Penn named his farm, which consisted 
 of many square miles, Pennsylvania, and 
 125 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 he also designated the most unaccommo- 
 dating railroad in the U. S. by the same 
 name. 
 
 The Quakers are said to be modest, 
 but Billy Penn must have been an excep- 
 tion, for every other thing you see. in 
 Philadelphia has a Penn label on it, such 
 as Penn Square, the Pension Office, 
 Waterman's Fountain Pen, etc., to say 
 nothing of the statue on the tower of the 
 Public Buildings. (These buildings, in- 
 stead of being called the city hall, are 
 called the Public Buildings because it is 
 claimed the public was fleeced until the 
 shears cut into its hide when the place 
 was built, and as a result several Quaker- 
 town millionaires are said to be carrying 
 city money in their pockets as they stroll 
 126 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 through the mussy lobby of the Walton 
 Hotel ; but here, I must not get so close 
 to personalities in my history, because I 
 am a great historian, even though some 
 of my ancestors were touched for appro- 
 priations for the great white building 
 that stands in front of Broad Street Sta- 
 tion, and, worst of all, they came up with 
 the coin. (Patriotic but easy, hey ?) 
 
 Anyway, Penn was a pretty good sort, 
 and all the Friends were sorry when he 
 left them and joined the great meeting in 
 1 701. He was as slow as molasses run- 
 ning from a bung hole on a cold December 
 morning, and he imbued his tortoise na- 
 ture into Philadelphia so deeply that that 
 town now boasts of its ability to keep 
 two years behind the times without any 
 127 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 effort. They have never been able to 
 purify the air of the languor that Penn left 
 with them, and I have been told that a 
 man was killed there a few days ago by 
 being run over by a hearse, but I cannot 
 vouch for this, as my only authority is a 
 friend of mine who is in vaudeville. He 
 calls himself a New Yorker, although he 
 was born in Battle Creek, Michigan, and he 
 may be biassed, If you have ever been in 
 the town of drowsiness, however, you will 
 agree with me that such a fatal event as 
 the one just mentioned is highly probable. 
 
 In 1703 the Penn colony divided itself 
 into two sections, and called one Dela- 
 ware and the other Pennsylvania. 
 
 As for New Jersey 
 
 Well, the least said of N. J. the better. 
 
 123 
 
Yours of last year just received. 
 
CHAPTER VII 
 
 THE LUCKY THIRTEEN 
 
 HE English planted their colo- 
 nies and vegetables on the 
 Atlantic seaboard and rapidly 
 made good in the U. S. They pushed 
 toward the interior of the continent, too, 
 and populated the country that reaches 
 from the Atlantic half way to Chicago 
 and St. Louis. 
 
 Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Con- 
 necticut and Rhode Island were oc- 
 cupied by the goody-goody Puritans, 
 and some others who were not so good. 
 131 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 It did not take much effort in those 
 days to be a real bad man in Connec- 
 ticut, however, as you can see when I 
 quote one of the old blue laws of that 
 State. " No one shall eat mince pies, 
 dance, play cards, or play any in- 
 strument of music except the drum, 
 trumpet or jewsharp." If a man played 
 any one of these instruments nowadays 
 for pleasure's sake, he would be looked 
 upon as a fit candidate for the nut 
 farm ; so you can see that the laws of 
 olden times were somewhat at variance 
 with up-to-date ideas. 
 
 Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Dela- 
 ware claimed the Quakers as their 
 population, and the Dutchmen, who 
 132 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 could not make a living in Holland, 
 had settled down in New York, where 
 better luck attended them than the old 
 country could afford, and as a result 
 you will find that most of the good 
 old Dutch names that were handed 
 down to present-day New Yorkers were 
 accompanied by money and real estate 
 that make the four hundred and one — 
 the one is a new debutante with a frigid 
 million, who just landed — about the 
 wealthiest bunch that ever attended 
 Weber and Field's, and dined at Sherry's, 
 after the show. 
 
 Maryland was begun by Lord Balti- 
 more, a Catholic, who found the streets 
 of London too hot to walk on, and the 
 133 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 church seats of the English metropolis 
 too warm for regular usage. The colony 
 was continued by a family named the 
 Calverts, and everything went along as 
 smoothly as could be expected at that 
 time. They raised tobacco for the 
 English trade and prospered much, for 
 England, ever willing to add new vices 
 to her already long list, took the smok- 
 ing habit right into her midst and con- 
 sumed, each year, a quantity of tobacco 
 that would have made the tobacco trust 
 declare extra dividends each week, if they 
 had been in existence at the time. 
 
 Virginia, the home of the negro, the 
 colonial mansion with white pillars be- 
 decking its front, and plug-cut smoking 
 134 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 fodder, had been settled by the English, 
 as had also the Carolinas and Georgia. 
 
 If you will count over the colonies I 
 have mentioned, you will, perhaps, find 
 that they tally twelve, but if you will 
 read and count again you will see that 
 there are thirteen — I am a regular Sam 
 Lloyd as well as a great historian — and 
 these were the thirteen original colonies 
 that stood together so well and laid 
 the cornerstone of our future happiness. 
 These people were the nervy, hard- 
 working folks of real mettle that were 
 responsible for us and our homes. They 
 laid the foundations on which we have 
 built the great country of which we are 
 now so proud, and whenever we think 
 
 135 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 of them we should take off our hats, 
 if the weather is not too cold, and give 
 a triple cheer. I am not cheering now, 
 but I have my hat off ; still, I suppose 
 any fool knows enough to keep his 
 head uncovered while in the privacy 
 of his own den — here I am wandering 
 again, like a tramp instead of an edu- 
 cator of the people, and while wandering 
 is better than punning, still it is not 
 becoming for a historian to ramble too 
 much, so I will cut it out. 
 
 Back to the colonies ! 
 
 The thirteen colonies were thirteen 
 
 distinct governments, but they had also 
 
 a great deal in common. They were 
 
 English colonies ; they obeyed English 
 
 136 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 laws; they called the king of England 
 their king ; they traded with each other 
 both by land and water. Letters and 
 newspapers were sent back and forth, 
 but things were not done so rapidly 
 as they are now. Neither the mails 
 nor the males were as swift as to-day 
 finds them. It was no cinch to go from 
 New York to Boston or Providence. 
 The Fall River Line, that system of 
 boarding house boats, was not in ex- 
 istence then, and if you got to Prov- 
 idence in three days it was because 
 luck and wind were blowing your way. 
 Steam had not been patented at that 
 time, and sail boats were the only crafts 
 that plowed the salt. 
 137 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 The mails were carried on horseback, 
 and if one ever got a letter that was 
 addressed to him he was not only de- 
 lighted, but also surprised. It was very 
 common to see business letters beginning 
 — u Yours of last year just received, and 
 in reply would say, etc." — so you can 
 see that our new, rapid deliveries are 
 somewhat more handy than the old, 
 never-get-there method is. 
 
 The first newspaper was published in 
 Boston in 1704. It was called the 
 " News-Letter " and consisted, mostly, 
 of advertisements such as "Phineas Po- 
 dunk has lost his old blue cow. He 
 misses her and her milk so much that 
 
 he will give the finder, who leaves her 
 
 138 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 at his back gate, a shilling and a piece of 
 squash pie." 
 
 Little by little the colonies began to 
 pull together, and as troubles arose in 
 the form of Indians, etc., they soon saw 
 that some sort of a union was needed 
 for the good of them all. The New 
 England bunch got together after a 
 certain dose of Indian and decided to 
 repel future attacks in unison. They 
 figured that bulk repulsion was more 
 deadly than fighting by the ounce. New 
 Yorkers also had the same idea hatching 
 in the incubator of public opinion and a 
 full — " complete " would, perhaps, be a 
 less confusing word to use in this con- 
 nection — congress was held in Albany in 
 139 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 1754, to discuss the plan of having one 
 government for the entire thirteen col- 
 onies. Ben Franklin, the well-known 
 kite-flier, electrician, philosopher, printer, 
 publisher, editor and dealer-out of good 
 advice for young men, was one of the 
 delegates from Pennsylvania, and he 
 submitted a plan whereby the colonies, 
 as a whole, should be presided over by a 
 President, and each colony should have 
 a governor and house of representatives. 
 The plan of Ben was all right. In 
 substance we use his plan now, without 
 paying royalties to anybody, but the 
 English government said " Nay ! Nay ! " 
 when it was tendered for inspection, and 
 
 the separate colonies cried "Gadzooks ! 
 140 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Nit!" when it was placed before them 
 for consideration. England thought it 
 gave the colonies too much power, and 
 the colonies thought it gave England too 
 much power — so you can see politics were 
 about as many-sided then as now. 
 
 Each day found the colonists getting 
 sorer and sorer with England. They 
 were being squeezed for money until they 
 could hear their bones crack. Every 
 method the English could think of to 
 get a cent or two out of the husky Ameri- 
 cans was used until it frazzled at the 
 ends. The trusts of to-day are charity 
 institutions compared with England in 
 her palmy days. The poor man, nowa- 
 days, does not have to buy oil every time 
 141 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 its price soars a cent or two higher, but 
 if the poor man, then, did not come up 
 he was compelled to swallow the steel 
 toothpick known as a bayonet. 
 
 Them was hard days, them was ! 
 
 Just to give you a few tips as to how 
 the English rubbed it into the colonists, 
 I will explain some of the money-making 
 stunts thought out by the grafters. 
 
 All furs and hides brought in by hunt- 
 ers had to be sent to England. Now 
 and then the skin of a deceased cow was 
 allowed to the animal's owner and right- 
 ful heir, for shoes, but only now and then. 
 When the furs were sent to England to 
 be sold the hunter had to pay a tax at 
 
 the time of shipment, and also at the mo- 
 
 142 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 ment of its arrival in England. Then he 
 had to come up with a commission for 
 the fellow who sold it in London. When 
 the money was sent him he had to fork 
 out another tax when the check left the 
 pier, and once again when it arrived in 
 the U. S. This made the skin of a bear, 
 for instance, net the hunter one shilling 
 and tu'pence, to say nothing of the buck- 
 shot and powder. This same law ap- 
 plied to fish, pitch, turpentine, tar, ship 
 timbers, and about four thousand other 
 articles which I do not care to mention 
 because I have not got the time. 
 
 Encouraging, hey ! 
 
 Besides this, England forbade the colo- 
 nies to carry on manufacturing. For in- 
 143 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 stance, they allowed them to take iron 
 ore from the mines. That meant hard 
 work and callous hands, so, of course, 
 that was just the kind of work for the 
 Americans. Anything that coaxed out 
 perspiration and afforded backache was 
 good enough for them. But when they 
 got the ore out into daylight — that was 
 another story. Then it slid into the 
 hands of the English. If the colonists 
 wanted anything made of iron, they had 
 to send the ore to England ; they coughed 
 up a tax when it left America, and an- 
 other when it reached the old country — 
 
 the old country, as they used to 
 
 call it. They paid English merchants 
 for carrying it, English manufacturers 
 
 144 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 for working it, and English merchants 
 for bringing back the finished product, 
 not mentioning about eight other taxes 
 and costs concerning which I have been 
 unable to find any records. 
 
 In this way England's government and 
 merchants were getting rich fast at the 
 expense of the colonies, and they took 
 good care that the colonies were not al- 
 lowed to trade with any other countries. 
 English officers kept house and sharp 
 lookout at all the ports, and strictly en- 
 forced all laws and collected all taxes. 
 None escaped ; each had to come up for 
 the benefit of the royal pocketbook. 
 
 The colonists were rapidly getting tor- 
 rid beneath their neckwear, and the 
 145 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 swearing of vengeance was getting to be 
 very popular on street corners and gro- 
 cery stores until — well, it seems to me 
 that there is going to be a scrap before 
 many more chapters of this historical 
 novel. 
 
 What do you think about it, placid 
 peruser ? 
 
 146 
 
Paul Revere flung himself into the saddle and 
 rode away. 
 
CHAPTER VIII 
 
 THE BEGINNING OF THE SCRAP 
 
 [ROM 1756 to 1763 England and 
 France were having a set-to in 
 the shape of the Seven Years' 
 War. The French and Indian War was 
 part of this scrap, and when peace finally 
 came England was mistress of the Amer- 
 ican colonies and that was about all she 
 did have. She was completely broken, 
 and the expense of her rash expenditure 
 of gunpowder, bullets and blood put her 
 on her uppers for fair; so she cast her 
 
 weather eye about for a tonic that would 
 
 149 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 build up her more than run-down finances. 
 Bump! 
 
 Down fell the axe of taxation upon 
 the neck of the easy colonists! It was 
 called the Stamp Act and it was a won- 
 derful piece of mechanism. 
 
 To-day we have trading-stamps that 
 rob buyers and sellers, but the Stamp 
 Act of 1765 had the present-day scheme 
 whipped to a custard, to use an expres- 
 sion that emanated from the mind of a 
 modern humorist. It robbed everybody 
 and gave no premiums. The law stated 
 that all deeds, contracts, bills-of-sale, 
 wills, mortgages, telegrams and a thou- 
 sand etceteras were illegal unless they 
 had stamps affixed thereto. These stamps 
 150 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 were for sale in the colonies ''between 
 the hours of i a. m. and 12.60 a. m. at 
 the British box-office." Their cost was 
 1 1 shillings, 6 pence per, which in real 
 money means about two dollars and 
 eighty-seven cents. 
 
 It was no cinch to sell a pair of chick- 
 ens for $1.06 and then have to paste 
 stamps on them the face value of which 
 was more than a fresh five-dollar bill. 
 It was an outrage, said the colonists, and 
 they would not stand for it, so there! 
 
 In October, 1765, delegates from the 
 colonies met in New York and decided 
 that the Stamp Act was just one roast 
 too much and they drew up a declaration 
 of rights. They declared that they would 
 151 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 not use the stamps and they did not. As 
 a result the Stamp Act was removed to 
 the attic storeroom of the House of 
 Lords, and it was up to Sir Reginald 
 Doolittle and Lord Percival Needthe- 
 money to invent some new instrument 
 of torture. This was victory number 
 
 ONE FOR THE COLONISTS. 
 
 The colonies compelled Parliament, 
 that collection of blue-bloods that had 
 nothing but ancestors and mortgages, to 
 remove one tax after another until the 
 tax on tea remained alone. You must 
 remember that most of the Americans 
 then were nothing more nor less than 
 Englishmen, and, then as now, tea was 
 the great national stimulant of Britain. 
 152 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Beer suits the German, chianti pleases 
 the Dago, any old drink that thrills is 
 good enough for the American, and tea 
 tickles the palate of the Englishman 
 (hence the price to pay for Shamrock L, 
 II. and III.). So you can see Parliament 
 thought it knew its business when it 
 chose tea for the final tax; but, for the 
 first and last time — ahem — in the history 
 of the doings of that learned body, it 
 made a mistake that eventually caused 
 England to lose the largest tract of real 
 estate that it ever had its hands on. 
 
 The foxy colonists were ready for them 
 
 on the tea question, however. They 
 
 refused to buy it. Grandma Perkins, 
 
 spinster Agatha Skinner and others had 
 
 153 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 to go without their afternoon and even- 
 ing cups of cheer. No more dissipation 
 for them because of the decision of the 
 colonists. Patent medicine advertise- 
 ments began to fill the newspapers read- 
 ing "Tea Habit Cured. Be patriotic 
 and swear off drinking tea. We have 
 the cure. Can be given on the quiet to 
 your old maid sister Rebecca or any 
 other aged female of your household. 
 Sent postpaid for $1.00, or a bushel of 
 oats," etc., and England soon began to 
 feel the result of this concerted effort on 
 the part of the colonists and the chemists. 
 The East India Company, a tea con- 
 cern in which the king was a heavy 
 stockholder, had, in their warehouse, 
 154 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 seventeen million pounds of tea that they 
 planned to sell in the colonies for three 
 times what it was worth, plus a tax of 
 eighteen cents per pound. As you can 
 see, this would have extracted a large 
 lump of ready coin from the colonists and 
 allowed the king to squander dividends 
 in 24-horse-power automobiles ; but the 
 Americans, in concert, placed their index 
 fingers on the left sides of their nasal ap- 
 pendages, and quothed, " Not on your 
 life, Mr. King and your company. You 
 can't work us. Take back your teas." 
 
 When the East India Company shipped 
 
 their breakfast Oolong to America the 
 
 vessels that carried it were promptly 
 
 twisted about in their courses as they 
 
 155 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 entered most of the ports along the coast 
 and given a swift push toward the ware- 
 house. " Back to the home grounds," 
 cried the colonists, and the captains 
 backed. 
 
 The royalist governor at Boston, how- 
 ever, tried to enforce the landing of the 
 tea at that port. The Bostonians would 
 not allow it. Even the Back Bay crowd 
 denied themselves five o'clock social 
 events and rebelled against the landing 
 of their favorite beverage. 
 
 Gee ! It was certainly exciting for 
 three weeks or more while the governor 
 was trying to land the tea and the colo- 
 nists were trying to point the rudders of 
 
 the Oolong ships eastward. 
 156 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Indignation meetings were held, day 
 and night, in Faneuil Hall, one of Bos- 
 ton's places of interest (now a meat 
 market and vegetable shop), and each 
 time a meeting was held there appeared 
 a larger crowd than the time before, until 
 one night, in December, it was found 
 necessary to cluster in Old South Church 
 in order to have more room and, also, to 
 add one more to the thousand historical 
 points in Bostontown — that you can see, 
 either by trolley or on foot, at fifty cents 
 per head. 
 
 Together with the crowd there gath- 
 ered twilight on this crisp December 
 evening. Washington Street was thronged 
 with indignant New Englanders, and the 
 157 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 homespuns glistened under the electric 
 lights of Newspaper Row. The bulletin 
 boards were kept busy showing up the 
 latest tea trouble. In the church on 
 the corner of Milk Street it was all ex- 
 citement. A messenger from the gov- 
 ernor brought the news that his honor 
 had made his final refusal, in blue ink, 
 and the tea must be landed. 
 
 Eye-witnesses tell me that Pandemo- 
 nium reigned, although I must confess 
 that I would not recognize this gentle- 
 man should I meet him to-morrow. I had 
 always believed that Sam Adams held 
 the chair on this great occasion, but, per- 
 haps, his nickname was Pandemonium. 
 
 Who knows ? I don't. Neither do you. 
 
 158 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 At any rate, Sam was there, and being 
 a nervy youth he sprang to his feet (just 
 where they were I do not know for a cer- 
 tainty), and cried out in a loud voice, 
 saying, " This meeting can do nothing 
 more to save the country." Then a gal- 
 lery god yelled, " Hurrah for Griffin's 
 Wharf ! " — and they were off. 
 
 At Griffin's Wharf were the junks that 
 carried the tea over which there was such 
 a commotion. 
 
 Just outside of the church, at this 
 moment, there arose a war-whoop that 
 cracked several windows in that vicinity 
 — at least I have been told so by several 
 glaziers in Boston, who claim that their 
 grandfathers replaced the damaged glass- 
 159 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 ware ; for you must know that every na- 
 tive Bostonian has an ancestor who did 
 something in the olden times ; why, dear 
 readers, I know a bootblack who used to 
 launder my shoes every morning when 
 I was in Boston — and had the price 
 — who claimed that his great-great- 
 grandfather learned how to enjoy corned 
 beef and cabbage two weeks before 
 the Revolutionary War. Just think of 
 it! 
 
 But I believe I was talking about tea 
 and not New England dinners, so let us 
 return to the Old South Church. When 
 the contents of this sacred edifice heard 
 the whoop that was raised without, some 
 
 said " Harvard students," and some said 
 1 60 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 "Indians." They all piled out into the 
 street. 
 
 It seems that a masquerade party was 
 letting out at just the moment that the 
 unfavorable news came from the gov- 
 ernor, and when the masked men, who 
 had gone as Indians from the 9th ward 
 Republican club, heard of the governor's 
 verdict they made a bee-line for Griffin's 
 Wharf. As they were making this line 
 of the busy insect, the crowd poured out 
 of Old South and followed, and thus the 
 Boston Tea Party, as this event was 
 called, was one of the best attended 
 social affairs of that year in Boston. 
 
 The wharf that Griffin owned was 
 
 black with people and the Indians 
 
 161 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 swarmed over the tea ships. Each had 
 tomahawks and they were used to good 
 advantage on the tea chests. In less 
 than five minutes Boston harbor was a 
 pot of cold tea, so quickly did the con- 
 tents of the hated chests leave their 
 receptacles. It was a sight that I have 
 never seen now, then, before or since. 
 It was simply gorgeous, if I may use the 
 expression. AND THIS WAS VIC- 
 TORY NUMBER TWO FOR THE 
 COLONISTS. 
 
 When Parliament heard of the Tea 
 Party it was sore indeed. They got 
 busy and made a new law, as was their 
 custom whenever soreness overtook them. 
 
 This law forbade Boston to load or un- 
 
 162 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 load any ships until the people of that 
 town bagged their trousers by getting 
 down on their knees and apologizing, 
 and emptied their pockets by paying for 
 the tea that had been tossed to the 
 fishes. 
 
 This law was a solar plexus blow to 
 the prosperity of the colony and also the 
 primary cause of the war that was re- 
 sponsible for the "Daughters of the Rev- 
 olution." A British fleet was anchored 
 in Boston Harbor and a regiment of red- 
 coated soldiers patrolled the streets of 
 the town, trying their best to look nifty 
 and handsome as they twirled their 
 bamboo canes and held their noses in 
 
 the air by means of the cords on their 
 
 163 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 dinky little caps. England meant to 
 enforce the laws she had made, and I do 
 not blame the Bostonians for getting a 
 trifle enraged. 
 
 General Gage, the royalist governor 
 of Massachusetts, was leader of the 
 British troops and he marched them up 
 and down the Common to protect the 
 city from its inhabitants. There was not 
 much excitement in this, and Gage, hop- 
 ing to get his picture in this history of 
 mine, planned to march, one bright, 
 moonlighted night, to Concord, where the 
 colonists had stored their gunpowder and 
 other deadly paraphernalia. 
 
 When the eventful night came Paul 
 Revere, a gentleman chosen because his 
 164 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 name rhymes with "hear" — ('Listen, my 
 children, and you shall hear') — flung 
 himself into his saddle and rode away at 
 neckbreaking pace from Boston to Con- 
 cord, telling all the people that the Brit- 
 ish were marching toward the arsenal, 
 or whatever they called the storehouse 
 that contained the death-dealing dust. 
 Hence when Gage and his troops reached 
 Lexington they found a bunch of pa- 
 triots lined up on the common and only 
 too willing to hand over their powder and 
 bullets. Why should Gage march on 
 to Concord and steal the ammunition, 
 when these patriots were willing to send 
 it to him — all they had and on the fly, at 
 that ? This is a question I cannot an- 
 165 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 swer ; all I know is that only a few of the 
 English soldiers stopped in Lexington- — 
 these are there yet — and those that were 
 left went on to Concord, where they pro- 
 ceeded to destroy the military stores. 
 None of the jewelry stores were touched. 
 I know this because there were no jew- 
 elry stores in town. 
 
 While they were enjoying themselves 
 in this work of destruction they heard 
 shots in the distance, and remembering 
 they had left some of their number to 
 guard Concord Bridge they hustled in that 
 direction to find that the American min- 
 ute-men — so-called because they were 
 ready to fight without the usual two 
 weeks' notice and also because they would 
 
 1 66 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 rather kill an Englishman every minute 
 than earn gold dollars in the same length 
 of time — were making the redcoat guards 
 look like crimson porous plasters. In 
 other words, the colonial militia was 
 making short work of the king's troops, 
 and this was the beginning of the Revo- 
 lutionary War. 
 
 The Britishers retreated toward Boston 
 and the colonists, back of stone fences, 
 made it one of the hottest trips ever 
 taken over the Concord road, before or 
 since. 
 
 Thus was the great game for liberty 
 
 beofun and the score stood 2 to o in favor 
 
 of the colonist team. The news spread 
 
 rapidly and patriots began to pour into 
 
 167 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Cambridge. The old town looked as 
 busy and bustling as it does on a Har- 
 vard-Yale football day and every availa- 
 ble field was Soldiers' Field on that mem- 
 orable 20th of April. 
 
 Look out for more trouble in the next 
 chapter. 
 
 168 
 
Our old friend George Washington started in 
 to make himself felt. 
 
CHAPTER IX 
 
 HOT TIMES 
 
 ^wpS|HINGS looked very warm in 
 
 j||fe Massachusetts and the inhabi- 
 
 : •••••• : ^ tants of that colony were wise 
 
 to the fact. They knew that trouble was 
 
 brewing about as fast as beer is brewed 
 
 in Milwaukee. For this reason they sent 
 
 a letter to the Continental Congress that 
 
 was being held in Philadelphia and asked 
 
 them to take charge of the army that was 
 
 gathering in Cambridge. Congress chose 
 
 George Washington to be the father of 
 
 his country, because they thought his 
 171 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 face would look well on postage stamps. 
 They made him General and Commander- 
 in-Chief of the army of the United Col- 
 onies, and he immediately set out for 
 Cambridge to take charge of the troops. 
 While on his way to the army that 
 body of gentlemen was busy keeping up 
 the reputation it had started on April 
 19th. Having heard that the British 
 meant to occupy Charlestown the colonists 
 sent troops to that beautiful suburb and 
 breastworks were thrown up on Breed's 
 Hill. The next day the British saw the 
 parapets, as I think fortifications are 
 called, and how they hotfooted in that 
 direction was a caution. They almost 
 flew from the ferry boats that landed them 
 172 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 on Charlestown neck and rushed up the 
 hill, on the top of which were perched the 
 cool Americans. A reporter from one of 
 the New York papers heard some one 
 shout, " Don't shoot until you see the 
 whites of their eyes," and at that moment 
 a volley of flint-locks cut short the speech 
 and cut down the English hill climbers. 
 Again the redcoats tried to mount the 
 grassy incline, and again they felt the 
 warm bullets of the patriots trickling 
 through their systems. 
 
 By that time all the American ammu- 
 nition had been inserted into English- 
 men, and when the third attack came, 
 it stayed, and the colonists moved on to 
 give it room. The British took posses- 
 173 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 sion of Breed's Hill, and the battle of 
 Bunker Hill had been fought. " Let 
 them have the old hill ; we don't want it," 
 cried a blue-jeaned American ; and, to tell 
 the truth, it really was an unattractive 
 hill. So much so, in fact, that we always 
 speak of the battle as that of Bunker 
 Hill instead of Breed's; and when a 
 monument was erected some years ago, 
 in honor of this altercation, it was placed 
 on the apex of Bunker Hill, because that 
 mound was the more beautiful. 
 
 On the 3d of July, 1775, Washington 
 took charge of the army, and after that 
 business was done in the war office. 
 George was a great leader, and he set 
 to work to do a little leading that was 
 174 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 bound to show results. Meanwhile he 
 kept his keen glance directed across the 
 Charles River toward the British in Bos- 
 ton. 
 
 The English troops, however, had had a 
 good taste of New England lead, and 
 they manfully withheld any desire that 
 they might have had to see blood flow, 
 because experience had taught them that 
 the chances were in favor of their own 
 life fluid doing most of the flowing. For 
 this reason they decided to shift opera- 
 tions from Boston for a few days, so part 
 of the fleet in the harbor was sent to Fal- 
 mouth, Maine — now Portland, in the same 
 State — and that town was burned, sacked, 
 and wiped off the map in a jiffy. 
 175 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 After that the war began in earnest, 
 and our old friend George Washington 
 started in to make himself felt. On the 
 i st of January, 1776, the flag of the United 
 Colonies was hoisted, and it has flapped 
 in the breezes of heaven ever since ; 
 there has been no change except in the 
 design, and there never will be. 
 
 Hurrah ! 
 
 In March Washington filled Dorches- 
 ter Heights with men and cannon, the 
 latter easily snatched from an English 
 garrison at Fort Ticonderoga. He was 
 going to touch up Boston a bit with 
 some shot and shell that he felt he could 
 spare, but General Howe saw him first, 
 
 and, not wishing George to be so ex- 
 
 176 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 travagant all on his account, he, with his 
 troops, bravely fled to the ships and 
 sailed away. 
 
 You have perhaps noticed by the dates 
 I have given that we are now coming to 
 the fourth of July, that day of firecrackers 
 and busy hospitals. On this day, 1776, 
 the Declaration of Independence was 
 finished and signed by John Hancock, 
 president of the Continental Congress, 
 and fifty-five delegates from the colonies, 
 with the result that the United States of 
 America was started on her prosperous 
 career, and also that the social position 
 of descendants of the signers was assured 
 forevermore. I think some of the de- 
 scendants are prouder when they think of 
 177 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 the latter state of affairs than they are 
 over the first; but I cannot say this for 
 certain, only I have heard — but here, I 
 am wandering again. If I am not careful, 
 I will stroll out of history-writing into 
 the compiling of " Who Thinks He Is 
 Who in America," so I must keep to my 
 subject more closely. 
 
 After the Declaration of Independence 
 was read in Philadelphia from the balcony 
 of Independence Hall, the liberty bell, 
 that wonderful bell that has travelled more 
 miles than many drummers, pealed forth 
 its tones until it could have been heard 
 by boarders at the new Stratford-Bellevue 
 had that magnificent hostelry been open 
 for business at the time. So hard was the 
 178 ' 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 bell-rope tugged by the old bellman, owing 
 to his enthusiasm on this occasion, that 
 the old bell could not stand the strain, 
 and soon afterward she was found to be 
 cracked, which has made the relic all the 
 more valuable. 
 
 Ever since that the 4th of July has 
 been celebrated as the birthday of the 
 nation, and it has also given small boys 
 the chance to vent some of the pent-up 
 vivacity that every American boy is sup- 
 posed to have. 
 
 After the great Declaration of Inde- 
 pendence, the words of which every school- 
 child of to-day learns by heart and then 
 promptly forgets, the colonies began to 
 make laws for themselves and call them- 
 179 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 selves States, and in this way the United 
 States of America started business with 
 the thirteen original States already men- 
 tioned in this very complete history. 
 
 Each State was independent of the 
 others, but they stood together in the 
 common effort to free themselves from 
 England and the king. Each State con- 
 tributed troops to the Continental army 
 and each State was ready and anxious to 
 say farewell to its English cousins and 
 fathers. They had been under the heel 
 of John Bull's boot long enough, and they 
 wanted to be free ; best of all, they were 
 willing to fight for freedom with a will. 
 
 The colonists already had a good army 
 
 and brave generals, but they sent Ben 
 
 1 80 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Franklin to Europe to find more if possi- 
 ble. In those days there were lots of 
 young fellows who were looking for 
 trouble — and also looking for a place in 
 popular historical novels — so the colonists 
 felt that Franklin, with his long hair and 
 quiet manners, ought to be able to spot 
 a few adventurers and entice them Amer- 
 icaward. Sure enough, he did so and he 
 gathered together such men as Kos- 
 ciusko, Pulaski, Kalb, Steuben and La- 
 fayette — men who differed from most 
 men in public life to-day, inasmuch as 
 they were looking for blood and not for 
 blood-money. 
 
 After the fighting got a good start the 
 first real victory for the British was the 
 
 181 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 capture of New York City. Several 
 years ago this city was in the possession 
 of Anglomaniacs, but for a while after 
 August 27th, 1776, she was under the 
 control of real Englishmen. 
 
 Ten thousand American soldiers were 
 scattered over New York by Washington 
 from his headquarters at Fulton Ferry. 
 George was a good provider, and rather 
 than have his men walk and carry heavy 
 cannon on their backs he hired the ser- 
 vices of the "L" and had that chari- 
 table institution transport the recruits to 
 Harlem Plains. Here he lodged his men 
 most comfortably in the large and com- 
 modious suites of the magnificent apart- 
 ment houses which have so long been the 
 182 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 pride and joy of Harlemites. Ah! Those 
 Harlem palaces ! Who has not read of 
 the beautiful and roomy house-keeping 
 flats of Harlem, with all their pure airi- 
 ness and delightful views ? Ah — but I 
 need say no more. You can understand 
 why my enthusiasm runs away with my 
 pen. Grand ! Grand ! 
 
 And thus were the Americans en- 
 camped. 
 
 The British landed on Staten Island ; 
 and thus the two armies remained for 
 several days while General Howe and 
 George Washington had a little confab. 
 Old Howe suggested peace and George 
 said, " Sure, but we want independence 
 with it. Nothing else," whereupon Howe 
 183 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 replied, " Nothing else, then," and strode 
 away in two-four time. 
 
 That evening the whole English army, 
 hired men, valets and all, crossed the bay 
 and landed on Staten Island, just south of 
 Brooklyn. They did not dare to go to 
 Brooklyn, in the first place because no 
 one cares to go to that town if he can 
 help it, and in the second place because 
 the American army was seated within the 
 city limits. 
 
 A line of hills served as a breastworks 
 for the American troops, and while they 
 were looking over the crests of these hills, 
 a detachment of the British made a cir- 
 cuitous march and began to pump bullets 
 
 into them from the rear. It is not con- 
 
 184 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 sidered good form to be shot in the back 
 in war, but after this scrimmage it was 
 found that most of the damage had been 
 done to the rear of the American troops ; 
 but, under the circumstances, this was 
 not disgraceful on this occasion. It was 
 called the Battle of Long Island, and re- 
 sulted in a victory for the English and 
 the capture of New York. 
 
 Just then a fog fell with a crash over 
 the American troops, and, while i 4 -. stunned 
 some, it killed none, and under cover of 
 it Washington wisely backed his men to 
 the New York side. He there found it 
 was impossible to hold New York against 
 the army, as well as the fleet that was an- 
 chored in the bay, so he decided to retreat. 
 185 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 This retreat was aided by a certain 
 American lady named Murray, who sent 
 her servant to ask General Howe and his 
 officers to spend a little while in her 
 house, over cake and punch. Howe, be- 
 ing an "Ancient and Honorable," ac- 
 cepted the invitation — for the " Ancients," 
 which is a social organization with beauti- 
 ful uniforms, and on earth for the purpose 
 of destroying food and punishing spiritu- 
 ous liquors — never refuse anything in the 
 banquet line — and while he was busy with 
 his fork and glass Putnam slipped out of 
 New York, untouched. 
 
 It was during this retreat that a brave 
 act was committed which is responsible 
 for many statues in Connecticut. It 
 
 186 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 seems that one Nathan Hale, a young 
 man from the Nutmeg State — so called 
 because the wooden nutmegs I have men- 
 tioned in another chapter were invented 
 within its boundaries — volunteered to go 
 within the English lines and find out 
 what they were going to do. He went — 
 and then he went to heaven, so we hope. 
 Hence the statues. 
 
 After that, disaster after disaster seemed 
 to walk right up and introduce themselves 
 to Washington and his army, and for a 
 time it looked as though the raw Ameri- 
 can troops were going to be cooked until 
 they were well done ; but they were rare 
 boys, and it took more hot times than the 
 English had yet been able to show them 
 187 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 to roast this crowd, and, besides that, 
 they saved their best victories until the 
 end of the war, so that I might have a 
 good climax for the last chapter of this 
 volume. 
 
 Get ready for the climax ! 
 
 188 
 
Washington crossing the Delaware. 
 
CHAPTER X 
 
 CROSSING THE ICE AND OTHER STUNTS 
 
 3^p^l|HE Americans were greatly dis- 
 |5§Si couraged at the succession of 
 ™ disasters that had made their 
 appearance. After the hard luck at Long 
 Island, defeat came on the run, and our 
 honored leader, George Washington, 
 seemed to be making a specialty of re- 
 treating. He did nothing but side-step 
 and back up until the heels of his soldiers 
 were swelled beyond recognition ; but 
 foxy Washington, the cherry tree muti- 
 lator, had a little idea under his white 
 191 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 wig that he was only biding his time to 
 
 spring on the unsuspecting English. 
 
 After leaving New York, George 
 
 marched his army to White Plains, with 
 
 strict instructions to his men to keep 
 
 their faces pointed toward the metropolis 
 
 they were forsaking. He might have 
 
 done this in order to be sure to see the 
 
 English if they should follow ; then, 
 
 again, he might have desired that the 
 
 inhabitants of that section should think 
 
 he was coming rather than going. I 
 
 do not think that any historian, other 
 
 than myself, has given this solution 
 
 in his work, so this is what might be 
 
 termed a scoop. At any rate, he reached 
 
 White Plains, foot-sore, but heart-whole, 
 192 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 and proceeded to gather in a little long- 
 needed rest. 
 
 The rest consisted of but a few desul- 
 tory winks, however, for Howe soon 
 turned up and caused George to again 
 show his valor as a retreater. In the first 
 battles of the war George established a 
 reputation as a retreater, but, before the 
 Revolutionary War had gone into history 
 — like mine — he began to go into the vic- 
 tory business, and in that he proved him- 
 self to be a first-rate repeater. 
 
 He withdrew, to speak mildly, across 
 the Hudson River into New Jersey and 
 continued his withdrawal through that 
 beautiful State, enjoying the scenery as 
 he went. I shall never forget the words 
 193 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 he uttered as he passed through Hoboken; 
 these can best be left to the imagination. 
 
 The American army was closely fol- 
 lowed by the British. Never have the 
 English followed in our footsteps as they 
 did on that occasion, and they tagged 
 after our soldiers until they came to 
 Trenton, where Washington crossed the 
 river into Pennsylvania. Howe either 
 liked Trenton with its hayseedy Inter- 
 State Fair and other things, or he thought 
 the campaign was over, for he went into 
 winter quarters at once and made 
 things as comfortable for himself and 
 his men as was possible — in Trenton and 
 vicinity. 
 
 Washington gave Mr. Howe plenty of 
 194 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 time to get settled for the cold weather. 
 He remained on the Pennsylvania side of 
 the river and kept mum, but in the mean- 
 time he inspected the guns and ammuni- 
 tion of his men and saw to it that they 
 were well heeled for destructive pur- 
 poses. He had in mind a coup that 
 would outcoup any coup he had couped 
 in the past. It was one that he knew 
 would take the chill of the frosty weather 
 they were having off the redcoated 
 British and Hessians. But he said noth- 
 ing ; he only waited with the same en- 
 thusiasm which he had used in his re- 
 treats. George's enthusiasm was like the 
 great lake in Yellowstone National Park 
 — bottom could not be reached — and he 
 195 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 always carried hopefulness securely but- 
 toned within his iron constitution. 
 
 Ah ! A cold day was that memorable 
 Christmas in 1776. The English army, 
 stationed in New Jersey, spent the holi- 
 day in joyfulness, full of good cheer and 
 other intoxicants. The American army, 
 also, rallied round the Christmas tree 
 they had found in the woods, and enjoyed 
 themselves generally. Had they had 
 stockings they would have had lots of 
 fun examining the sticks of candy and 
 five-dollar gold pieces with which they 
 would have been filled, but as bad luck 
 would have it, the soldiers had no socks 
 and hence no surprises. Washington 
 
 treated each man, however, with a quart 
 
 196 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 of Great Western champagne, in the first 
 place to warm them up for a little trip he 
 had planned, and in the second place to 
 show them that he was wise to the fact 
 that bubbling fluid made in our own 
 country was as good as any that came 
 across from the hated other side. 
 
 After the soldiers were filled with 
 sparkling wine they began to effervesce 
 with enthusiasm, and at an opportune 
 moment our old chum George, the sooth- 
 sayer, stepped into their midst, which 
 was located somewhere between Trenton 
 and Bristol, and raising his hat with his 
 well-manicured right hand he also raised 
 his voice, and said, " Gents. We have 
 had a lovely time to-day. Now what do 
 197 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 you say to giving a beautiful bit of ex- 
 citement to our friends across the river ? 
 Get ready to give them a little hot lead 
 to digest the hot punch they have been 
 punishing all day. Boats will be waiting 
 for you at the riverside to-night. Come 
 one, come all. You are cordially invited 
 to be present." And with the shout of 
 " Aye, aye, sir," ringing in his ears he 
 retreated to his headquarters. 
 
 Chunks of ice filled the river. It 
 looked as though the Knickerbocker Ice 
 Company had dumped all its stock into 
 the Delaware. I never saw so much ice 
 between New Jersey and this country in 
 all my life, and it reminded me of the act 
 
 in Stetson's Uncle Tom's Cabin, No. 8, 
 
 198 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 where Eliza crosses the ice, accompanied 
 by her mother, Little Eva. 
 
 As Washington stood on the bank on 
 that historical evening and gazed out 
 over the frost-bitten waters he almost lost 
 his nerve ; but gritting his teeth and turn- 
 ing up his trousers, he jumped aboard 
 of one of the boats and stood, like a 
 statue, in the bow. Several artists who 
 were on the railroad bridge drew the 
 beautiful picture he presented, and many 
 of these wonderful paintings now adorn 
 the walls of patriotic citizens — and each 
 one is the original. 
 
 When Washington and his .army ar- 
 rived at Trenton they surprised the enemy 
 
 in their camp, and took one thousand of 
 
 199 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 them prisoners, which was a very sub- 
 stantial Christmas present for the Ameri- 
 can people at that stage of the game, and 
 this little gift marked one of the turning 
 points in the Revolutionary War. It was 
 right here in Trenton that a period was 
 placed after the big victories of the Eng- 
 lish, and the American army began to do 
 stunts that caused John Eull to finally go 
 back to the old country and graze on his 
 own pastures. 
 
 After the Trenton episode, Washington 
 marched to Princeton and there defeated 
 and scattered the British army once again. 
 The battle occurred just as the Princeton 
 students were going to chapel, and it is 
 needless to say that there was no service 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 on that morning. Several old alumni 
 that I have interviewed tell me that they 
 never saw such a free-for-all, outside of a 
 meeting of the senior class, in their lives as 
 happened on the Princeton battlefield on 
 the morning of January 3, 1777. Its equal 
 was not again seen in Princetontown until 
 the Yale-Princeton game of 1898, when 
 Arthur Poe made his famous run. 
 
 After Washington kicked a goal from 
 the field the British team knew that it 
 was good-day for them, so they ran off 
 the field and hid in Potter's woods, while 
 the American army triumphantly marched 
 to Morristown, the town of New York tax- 
 skippers, and went into winter quarters. 
 
 In the spring of 1777 war was started 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 up again. Time had been taken out by 
 the timekeeper during the winter months, 
 but before the ground thawed the slaugh- 
 tering business was opened up once more 
 at the old stand. 
 
 After the scrap, which had been con- 
 tinued to our next, had begun, winged 
 victory flew from one side to the other. 
 First she wobbled into the camps of the 
 Americans, and then she staggered over to 
 the English side ; but it was not until she 
 perched on our tent-poles, after the sur- 
 render of an English commander called 
 Burgoyne, at Saratoga, on the steps of 
 the United States Hotel, that the real 
 turning-point of the war was reached. 
 With this surrender came arms, powder 
 and cannon, and we needed them badly. 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 It gave courage to the American soldiers, 
 and soreness to those who were watching 
 the newspaper reports in England. 
 
 Soon after this France came over to our 
 side and promised to help us with her 
 navy, and she stuck to her promise like 
 the good fellow she has always been. 
 
 General Clinton, who succeeded Howe 
 as leader of the English, left Philadelphia 
 one fine morning and started for New 
 York. He was met at Monmouth Court 
 House, New Jersey, however, and Wash- 
 ington taught him a lesson that he never 
 forgot ; and when Clinton and his cluster 
 of cripples left the field that day he was 
 heard to say, u Washington is a son-of-a- 
 gun and a dabster at this game. Fudge ! " 
 
 The English generals tried to establish 
 203 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 themselves in New York, and after that was 
 found to be too exciting for them they at- 
 tempted to cut New England from the 
 rest of the colonies and hold that section of 
 the United States for their own dear selves. 
 But it was of no use. There was nothing 
 doing for them, so they took another 
 chance and aimed for the southern states. 
 Here luck came their way, at first. 
 The sunny south seemed to agree with 
 their fighting blood, and they soon took 
 Savannah without half trying, and held 
 onto it, just as though it was worth having. 
 The next town they gathered in and 
 added to their collection of deserted vil- 
 lages was Charleston, which went over to 
 the English, theatres, licenses et al. (don't 
 forget al.), in the spring of 1 780. Soon 
 204 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 after this Camden, S. C, joined the col- 
 lection — and the Americans began to get 
 tired of this snatching of townships 
 almost before they could finish them. 
 
 But Dame Fortune still refused to 
 make love to us. Trouble came thick 
 and fast, and about that time Benedict 
 Arnold, the meanest man America had 
 ever turned out, did his world-renowned 
 stunt, of which we are all so heartily 
 ashamed. There is no use saying much 
 about it. He tried to give inside infor- 
 mation to the English that would enable 
 them to capture West Point, but Major 
 Andre, who carried Arnolds letter, was 
 caught and searched, and — well — poor 
 fellow — that's about all. Andre was sus- 
 pended and Arnold was expelled. 
 205 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 Well, patient readers, we are now near- 
 ing the end of the war — and, incidentally, 
 the end of this great history of mine. 
 The benefits our nation has received from 
 this war can never be estimated, nor can 
 the benefits my history will donate to this 
 same great people. Sometimes I shut 
 my eyes and picture, in my mind's eye, 
 George Washington and myself standing 
 side by side, hand in hand. Then I gen- 
 tly ponder, " Which of us shall have the 
 higher pedestal in the Hall of Fame?" 
 I will not repeat the answer I make to 
 this question for fear you may think I 
 am a boaster. 
 
 After a lot of manoeuvring Washing- 
 ton finally caught Cornwallis, the English 
 
 general, in a trap at Yorktown, and a siege 
 206 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 of that town was begun in September, 
 1 78 1. Each day the English received 
 American shot and shell for breakfast, 
 lunch and dinner, not to speak of a light 
 supper of grapeshot and rocksalt after the 
 theatre. Before long the English were 
 so lavishly entertained that they began to 
 show signs of fatigue, and on the 19th of 
 October they were ready to wave the only 
 white flag there was in the camp — a hand- 
 kerchief, I believe it was — and they did so. 
 Cornwallis surrendered his whole army to 
 Washington at Yorktown on that bright 
 fall morning, and the war was over. 
 
 We then had our independence, and 
 we still have it. I have not heard any 
 reports lately that we were going to give 
 
 it up. But if worst ever comes to worst 
 
 207 
 
TWISTED HISTORY 
 
 you can count on me. I will go out and 
 defend my country any day in the week, 
 if you will let me know a few weeks 
 ahead so that I will not have any other 
 engagements in the way. With my Bowie 
 knife and Flobert rifle I will take my 
 stand at the front — but I do not think I 
 will be needed this week. I merely wanted 
 you to know, before I leave you, that I 
 am as brave as a fighter as I am as a his- 
 torian, and it takes a valiant man to write 
 a history like this one. 
 
 Tell your friends about this book — it's 
 a marvel. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 208 
 
MAR 4 1304