';^o^ .-io-.. ^oV^ ^ *>t^ *^ av .*„L,f))iw* O \.- »^ "* **:*. ^'« ,-l<^s e i»o ^^^^<^ o ^^^ **■ .'■ AN OPERETTA IN PROFILE An Operetta In Profile BY CZEIKA ^^ ^. s / ■ii S.J>*^\^,- J^^^VWiS?,^^/ BOSTON TICKNOR AND COMPANY ^ 211 Fremont Street 1887 -«trOl Copyright^ 1887, By Ticknor and Company. All rights reserved. 5Smi)erstta pregs: John Wilson and Son^ Cambridge. DRAMATIS PERSONiE. >c. N Raya Yog. The Portrait. Mrs. Pepperton. Lucy Pepperton. The Statues. Mr. Skeggs. Miss Skeggs. Midnight. The Author. The Committee. The Doppelganger. The United Brooms. Mrs. AduUam. The Policeman. The Attorney. The Attorney's Wife. The Butcher's Wife. Madame Chiff-Chaff. The Dressmaker. The Dissatisfied Husbands. The Charactagent Victims. Mary McGinnis's Green Gown. The Fastidious Family. My Ideal Young Man. Raya Yog's Marionettes. The Three Presbyterian Burglars. The Girl who made the Diagram. I An Operetta in Trofile, "A gentleman horny master parson, who writes himself armigero ; in any hill, quit- tance, or obligation, armigero," Papa is on a salary; that means — it means what I should call a life of vulgar fractions. We never have any- thing whole and perfect of its sort. It is always one half, or two thirds, so to speak, of something else. Thus when the Peppertons, who are our leading family, give their two annual receptions, and I attend, — as of course I must, — I am not actually wearing a crepe-de-chine gown, but one fourth of papa's new hat, one half of mamma's spring wrap, and all of Dick's bicycle stockings. 8 A;i 0/^ctrtfa in Profile. Should I stra\- into the Arabian Nights, and should the old formula bo pro- nounced over niv beloncrinc^s, — "If vou wear this form through mere passing conjuration, resume your former aspect," — I should change on the spot, and resemble nothing so much as one of those attenuated clothes-horses they offer you in Gorman hotels in place of a closet, o\\ which you desperately hang }*our hats, ovxrshoes, gloves, wraps, and gowns in a heap. On the same prin- ciple our Christmas-tree is really papa's now groat-coat, and his name o\\ a sub- scription list is simply eight pounds of our roast beef. We are as unreal as any astronomical appearance, — sunrise, or the starrv march oi the constella- tions ; wo more what we seem than the great golden moon coming up out of a cleft of hre to poise one breathless A7t operetta in Profile. 9 instant on a sapphire sea. Should you pull our bell before conventional call- ing hours, you will hear a rushing and scrambling and hurrying about. That signifies we are caught sweeping or pud- ding-making in tin-pedlers' gowns. Tin- pedlers' gowns are those that should be sold as rags to the tin-man, but are worn instead till five o'clock in the afternoon, because one tailor-made gown in a sea- son is the largest precipitate to be had from those difficulties in solution that we call our income. Still, it is conceded that we are people of some distinction, because papa spent all mamma's money ten or twelve years ago, and because if you substitute '* ulph " for " le," the final ** le " of our name, it becomes the same as that of a great English family dating from the Crusades, as it is spelled on their tombstones. " To be called into a huge sphere and not to he seen to move in it, are the holes where the eyes should he," Some classical old body said, on the death of a friend, ''that the theatre of all his actions had fallen." Now, when papa dies, the theatre of our actions will be closed for want of funds, — that is, society will cut us ; that is, I should not be asked to Mrs. Pepperton's perennial receptions, and Martha Curtis will nod kindly, but will not invite me to her equally perennial lunch-party. And though Miss Curtis and Mrs. Pepperton look microscopic, — beside, say, the Influence of the Romish Church on Civilization, or Esoteric Buddhism, or Geological Epochs, — they make as re- An Operetta in Profile. ii spectable a theatre for one's actions as if they had been named Portia or Cal- purnia, and lived two thousand years ago, presenting to view the very bare arms and impossible drapery of that period. Tied up in this fact are the strings that pulled our Operetta into shape ; for it was I who first suggested an Operetta. To begin, though, you should have the social geography and moral boundaries of our town, for your better comprehension of — no, sympathy is the word, with — my conclusions. They are mine; right or wrong, broad or narrow, they are mine absolutely, as if I had drawn them under some banyan- tree in Paradise, without prejudice from Adam, Eve, or the Serpent. And I want to make them yours ; for your only good reader is that loyalist who thinks just as you do while he is under your banner. 12 An Operetta in Profile. As some towns might be situated exactly on the equator, I should say ours stands precisely on the line of the average. Anything that was special about the life, house, or character of anybody in town would be, and is, dis- couraged. There is an average standard of commonplace and inefficient action for the conduct of matters in general, and whatever ranks, that is regarded with suspicion. A man with his trademark on his opinions, a clever, inventive, or even a very thoroughbred or fascinating person, is vaguely considered doubtful ; and such individuals are so coolly re- ceived and so ironically regarded when they chance to stray among us that the length of their stay is sure to be limited by the length of their first house-lease. If it is true that ideas are the only reali- ties, then our town, properly looked at, An Operetta in Profile. 13 must present a mere dissolving view on a faint horizon. We encourage noth- ing pronounced. Even the very chil- dren affect measles and scarlatina mod- erately, taking them in a perfunctory manner, as a matter of business to be got out of hand. And though there may be the average number of chronic invalids, few people venture on the de- cided step of dying; and in that event the community takes it rather ill, as if *' they should have died by attorney," or as if the town possessed a patent of immortality, and deceased had infringed it. It is quite the same in minor mat- ters; for communities, like individuals, stamp a miniature of themselves, even on trifles. Within twenty-five miles of New York city we wear last year's fash- ions, as if we were — Philadelphians. Our winters blossom now and then in a 14 An Operetta in Profile. stunted german, but we have not yet learned the use of the word " cotillion ; " and in the year 1885 we were guilty of our first Afternoon Tea, and people con- sulted each other privately about the gowns and etiquette proper to such occasions. So conservative are we that Raya Yog told papa at his own table that we had never assimilated the Dec- laration of Independence, and that we should do well to adopt the American Constitution, which was a wise and be- nign theory of government. Whether Raya Yog is Hindoo or Parsee, or what is the precise difference between the two, I am not clear; but he is olive- tinted, though well-bred, and we all regarded him on a '* Greenland's Icy Mountains " — no, '' India's Coral Strand " — basis, and were as much astonished All Operetta in Profile. 15 at his sarcasms as though the Sphinx should open her granite lips and give her Egyptian opinions of a cockney tourist and his plaids and slang. As I have told you, we are people of consid- eration; therefore our dinner given to Raya Yog was styled ''a social event" by the local newspapers, and the princi- pal Nonentities of the town were present, to be informed by this prying heathen *' how McMahon, ex-hack-driver and present justice of peace, told a voteless and bribeless defendant that he should decide against him, no matter what tes- timony and witnesses should be pre- sented ; and how he habitually decided in the very teeth of evidence, sharing the profits with certain petty shopkeepers and attorneys. He was," said Raya Vog, '' a votary of the modern black art, bringing about results by the help 1 6 An Operetta in Profile. of a ring as magical as Aladdin's. And he administered law after the fashion of Milesian kings, and with the rude and vigorous candor of the fourteenth cen- tury." And as papa admitted afterwards (privately) that it was true, and could not be touched upon because of certain political interests, that huge engraving in our dining-room of the Declaration of Independence is simply ridiculous ; for we have not yet come into the Union. For the rest, there is a continual social friction that rubs the tender edges of one's soul. You know how Queen Vic- toria was afraid of being ** as common as the Cambridges." We are as much afraid of being '* common " as her Maj- esty ; but we are never sure who are oilr Cambridges. Nothing is substantive and perfect of its kind. Our pleasure is always a second-story pleasure, and the An Operetta in Profile. 17 bottom planks are the capricious neglect or cordiality of somebo^iy else; conse- quently quite out of our reach, and likely to drop out at any time. We have not even a liking of our own. We can never be quite certain if we wish to go or to stay away, to take up a thing or drop it, till we learn what Lucy Pepperton means to do about the matter. Finally, there is something special in our moral atmosphere. A great many persons in our community go as far as this with charity, — that *' they believe all things." Poddies, "■ also one of ours," sees and hears what she can, imagines what she can neither hear nor see, and gives it all to the town in a daily edition. The first-named people supply the carbon and oxygen ; Poddies adds the chlorine. The result is something very special in our moral air, — special in an unpleasant 1 8 An Operetta in Profile. way. There you have us in rough out- line, and can figure before I begin to tell you in what a genial, liberal, pro- gressive, and pleasant manner we were likely to set about our Operetta. '*'Tis no matter how it he in tune, so it make noise enough,'* The Operetta — the scheme of it, rather — found general favor. No one in the town could sing, and that is the first requisite of an Operetta. As I told you, the suggestion was mine. I have always in mind that possible closing of the family theatre for lack of funds, and the need of a younger and more energetic manager than papa, — a — in short, a husband. And why should not the Operetta prove a fairy godmother who could turn a pumpkin into a coach, and take me in it to find the fairy prince? Not that I believe in fairy princes except as a manner of speaking; the race is 20 An Operetta in Profile. extinct, — died out, at any rate, with Na- thaniel Hawthorne. His wife found him " so tender and true, so just, so mag- nanimous always " under a yoke of poverty, in spite of the daily frets of a difficult life. Ah ! it makes the heart stand still, and brings tears to the eyes. No wonder she *' could not realize her happiness," and passed her days in ** a delightful confusion of bliss." A woman might serve such a man on her knees, and thank God ; '' but when comes such another? " A girl's fancy is generally a theatrical property-room, from which she fits out the men of her acquaintance, the real man simply acting as an animated clothes-horse. But young as I am, I have made the grand discovery of life, — that the average young man is simply a grown-up boy. Though his shirt-front is so mysterious, his manner so reas- An Operetta in Profile. 21 suring and impenetrable, his smile so bland, he is only a grown-up boy. More ! he is generally a boy in difficulties. He is happy as a centaur who should be unable to accommodate his legs to the upholstery of a drawing-room, and his head and shoulders to the economies of a manger, since he is sure to have $12,000 a year ideas on $1,200 a year of income. He sympathizes with girls on the matrimonial question as a trout does with the fisherman. Every flat or dwell- ing house shows him twelve or fifteen hundred reasons against matrimony, in its rent; and he has a multiplication- table ready for Cupid, warranted to take the point from his best arrow. If ever the little blind god is likely to prove too much for him, he has only to fall back on his arithmetic ; and when the sirens sing, in place of tying himself to the 22 An Operetta in Profile, mast, he simply ciphers out the probable cost of their music. Only in his summer vacations he takes with his canoe a cer- tain amount of sentiment; and having selected a tennis-court and a " base-ball nine," looks about him for a '' summer girl," one easy-mannered, susceptible, available for a crescendo flirtation (lim- ited to two weeks). He lays away her memory with his racket and bat, or pos- sibly coins the affair into dollars, — writes a verse or two like a sigh, with a catch- ing refrain, for ** Life " or some such periodical, and gets a cheque for it. All this before the summer Ariadne who took his canoe party for a voyage of life, and has packed up all her best sen- timents, and the family blessing, has well closed the mouth that she opened in astonishment when he bade her good- by. Alt Operetta in Profile, 23 During the winter he sometimes pays a bill, and sometimes a call, — both from necessity; and then figure to yourself the embarrassment of a tribe of friendly savages meeting a white traveller for the first time. In such a call we are the friendly savages. The young man is to us as rare, unexpected, and inexplicable as the white traveller. We survey him with awe and dumb delight in the true savage manner. The heads of our tribe talk stale newspaper, and inquire after his grandmother; we girls giggle con- vulsively; and having no idea what to say to him, indeed knowing nothing to say, giggle again. The clock ticks in that intrusive way peculiar to clocks ; Bob and Kate rub about his legs and crush his hat. His honors sit uneasily on him; he shrinks under the family stare, and the general joy appalls him 24 An Operetta m Profile. lest he should be accepted in advance for some daughter of the family. When he goes, we are quite certain he will never come again; and he never does. I doubt if Psyche herself could marry out of a '* suburban home " in a second- rate suburban town. " You are no surer, no, than is the coal of fire upon the ice, or hailstone in the sun," The second requisite for the produc- tion of an Operetta in our town is Lucy Pepperton. The high protective tariff on ideas, the chronic persecution of any- thing above the average, has left a com- munity without force or individuahty, — something Hke those inert sea-jellies that sting ; only, being human, superior to the jelly in the power of active envy. Our local form of attack on any enter- prise from whose executive list we have been omitted, is to strike it with creep- ing paralysis by declaring the proposed affair '' doubtful," '' mixed," or '' not re- 26 An Operetta in Profile, spectable ; " and so little self-confidence is there anywhere, that the Pepperton family, who rule among us by virtue of wealth, liberality, public spirit, and tact, are the only known antidote for such an attack. Consequently, as I said, Lucy Pepperton was the second requisite. To obtain her co-operation the Operetta was announced as *' for the benefit of the church," and many curious and most unexpected events resulted from this announcement ; among Others a let- ter from Raya Yog, — a remarkable letter, which will be given in its proper place. The sme qua non was that the Oper- etta should be original ; that is, it should be written by some one in town ac- quainted with local needs. The Oper- etta must of course be given to the world by a club. Whatever the matter in hand, a club for despatching it is as An Operetta in Profile. 27 necessary to us as to Hercules; and the dramatis personce^ like the stock in a ready-made-clothing store, must be adapted to fit those persons who would be invited to join the club, and the Operetta itself to our town-hall. When the New Zealand Exploring Society ex- cavates our town, I prophesy that its town-hall will give them a longer pause than anything else they may find on the American continent, it will be so impos- sible to decide fi'om any ordinary rea- soning for what it could have been intended. It is of no particular style, and seems to be of no special use. If a dance is in question, it has neither dress- ing nor supper rooms. As a lecture room or theatre, it has no private en- trance, no withdrawing room, and no stage, except a narrow shelf at the end of the room like a schoolmaster's ros- 28 An Operetta in Profile. trum. It could not have been devised for the public, — at least for more than three hundred of it, for that is its seating capacity, — and it might be an embod- ied nightmare for its hideousness, or a packing-case for Bartholdi's Liberty from its shape ; all of which infirmities must, as is evident, be carefully considered in the make-up of our Operetta. There was no difficulty about the music. The Operetta, like an American girl abroad, could marry itself to any wandering air of foreign extraction that proved suit- able ; but its libretto must be local. It was very easy to find the writer; for there was but one woman in town capable of it, — a woman much despised by us for her cleverness, as a late fashion or invention is set at naught in a country village. She was very subject to new and excellent ideas, that we at first ridi- An Operetta in Profile, 29 culed and then adopted, but for which we never forgave her; and — crowning weakness ! — being very simple and mag- nanimous (I am not sure, by the way, that one of these qualities is not a con- sequence of the other), she was continu- ally assisting her enemies and obliging her detractors, — for which she received her just due of contempt. She had not an idea of making much of her wares ; one would have supposed, from her readi- ness when our committee visited her, that it was an every-day matter to have libret- tos on hand, — like pies. She brought out her ideas as if they were bits of old lace from some perfumed box, and al- tered and re-altered them to suit our demands, as one takes in or lets out the body of a gown, — all with such careless ease that though her libretto has since been pronounced clever enough for the 30 An Operetta in Profile. professional stage, we felt not so much that she exhibited genius, as a frivolous cast of mind inconsistent with her cir- cumstances, as she is a woman of forty and of limited income. Even in society it is impossible always to get on without ideas; and if these entities prefer the company of old coats and shabby gowns, one must take them where they can be found, — but with a certain disapproba- tion, as in our case ; as though our author had stolen her manners and libretto from Mrs. Pepperton, who on an income of twenty thousand a year might be sup- posed to be in a position to set up ideas and refinements of feehng, and keep them up in good style. "■ Have you the lion's part written ? Pray you, if it be, give it to me, for I am slow of study." Meantime we examined the sketch of the first act. Curtain rising on a gallery of Statues (an excellent scene for the narrow shelf that must make our stage) ; lights down ; music, tum-ti-tum, tujn-ti-tum ; violoncello throb and muf- fled drum-thud, — a far-away note of preparation ; statues, — fisher-girls, flow- er-maidens. Morning, Spring, etc., some twenty of them : a pretty effect, and an excellent idea for using girls of bony pattern and the awkward persuasion ; girls who habitually sit on one foot and walk with stiff elbows and short steps, 32 An Operetta in Profile. and are mentally unable to get through a line without a giggle, yet whose fathers own corner lots or something in Wall Street. Hidden in antique drapery, and toned down and kept in by drill, they (not the fathers or the corner lots) would damage the Operetta as little as could be expected. Their leader per- force must be Lucy Pepperton ; for although the first scene of the Operetta was not yet written, and we were still in consultation over it, that dear Poddies was already making morning calls to discuss the improprieties of the Venus de Milo and her sisterhood. By way of checkmate we were obliged to lose no time in getting out a photograph of the ''Minerva Giustiani" (we called it, by the by, the " Mother of the Gracchi," as better suited to the Poddies mind) ; also an announcement that twenty-five yards An Operetta in Profile. 33 of unbleached muslin would be the smallest possible quantity required by each Statue, and that Miss Pepperton would lead the Statue dances. These last were carefully characterized as stately minuets, the first to be danced to the allegro. Opus 10, of Beethoven. Not at all because our town knows Beethoven as a dramatic writer, a man leading delicate fantasies from sombre depths to dizziest heights of shivering, rapturous harmony, voicing in one and the same breath the Hallelujah chorus of the whole world, and mankind's wail of intolerable anguish, — and that with such weird notes of preparation, such marshalling of forces, such dainty, elfin, flying repetitions of haunting sweetness ! Far from it ! The town holds his writ- ings as heavy, dull, and ugly, — therefore respectable. 34 ^^^ Operetta in Profile, Getting back to the libretto as the curtain rose on the darkened gallery of Statues, a deep resounding bell slowly sounded the twelve strokes of mid- night. Rose-lights began to glow and deepen on the Statues, animating by slow degrees and coming down from their pedestals, so many skips and stops to so many bars of music ; posing with devitalized, then with vitalized limbs, the music energizing with them in a languid, swaying measure, deepening into notes of weird stir and warning. The Statues wheeling, hesitating, pausing, advancing to form the minuet; at which juncture the Portrait (the only one in the gallery), a life-size of George Washington in his youth and the hero of the Operetta, drawn by the spell of the hour, steps from its frame and leads the measure. Now, about this portrait there could An Operetta in Profile. 35 be no question. The mantle of the leading role could fall on but one pair of shoulders, — those of a young man to whom fate had already assigned one trying role^ that of the single good parti in town. It was fortunate for us that he counted more than six notes in his voice, and not more than one pair of legs and arms on the stage, and added the graces of wit, humor, and dramatic genius to those of money and social prestige ; for he was as inevitable as death. And perhaps it is time to say here that he was down on my private programme for something more, — the required fairy prince; that is, if, as I hoped, the Operetta should prove a true godmother, and present me with Cin- derella's luck and her pumpkin. The libretto went on to say that the statue minuet having occurred in that 36 Alt Operetta in Profile. precise half hour in the century in which inanimate objects may claim the privilege of living at will, Midnight in vain at- tempts to recall the dancers to her kingdom of Silence and Shadows, the curtain falls on the Portrait and his family of Statues in full revolt and pre- paring to enter the world of life. " You have not seen such a thing as it is ; I can hardly forbear hurling things.'* So behold us fairly launched on the first act and its rehearsal in the Pepper- ton parlors, full of a pleasantly import- ant sense of well-being in our familiarity with their yellow satin upholstery and white and gold furniture ; and finding in the management that bouquet of privilege, that piquant sense of the envy of the excluded, that brings one into sympathy with the gods as disposers of men, with the right to much laughter at their expense, — or with any other petty power, as a head-waiter, or a new rich family who are not allowing time " to wash off the double gilt of their oppor- 38 A 71 Operetta m Profile. tunlty." We found anxieties also, as if they had been pins stuck in the yellow satin sofas. Like the people of Nineveh, our amateurs did not know their right hand from their left. Nor could the Statues be brought to remember their poses, or the business of the minuet, so anxious was each individual to attract the special attention of the Portrait, who was also the notable parti of our society. And did he but glance in their direction, lo ! a universal simper rippling across their marble calm, and every Statue of them swaying about on her pedestal. Next, the setting of the second act, from the peculiarities of the stage, was also pronounced impossible ; and yet we were unwilling to relinquish this second act as it stood. In it the Portrait, having been turned away from all the principal hotels because of his inexplicable family An Operetta in Profile. 39 of Statues, boldly enters a private dwell- ing. This is the residence of Mr, Skeggs and his wife ; they regard him as some Romeo, who, having invited the ballet to supper, had forgotten the way home afterwards. But the Portrait explains that he is a reporter of the New York "■ Herald," travelling with an automatic show that he has bought on speculation. There was an airy smartness in the dia- logue, and cleverness in the situations, the conceits, and the local hits, that made us unwilling in any way to alter the libretto. Yet it demanded a hand- some interior, a drawing-room, — and drawing-rooms demand furniture. Now, as there were no dressing-rooms, no side spaces worthy of mention (mere standing room for the dramatis personce) ^ no back entrance, no second staircase, where could any drawing-room furniture 40 An Operetta in Profile. be stored during the progress of the first act? It could scarcely be handed in piece by piece over the heads of the audience. We were at a dead-lock, and it looked as if the fairy godmother Oper- etta was playing me a game of chess in place of manoeuvring her pumpkin, and was finding me a checkmate instead of the traditional glass slipper. *' The times were out of joint," and it should have been I '' who set them right." Instead, there was handed me a diagram like the cabalistic chalk-mark that some tramp scores over your door. There was a long story behind it, if you only knew how to read it. Plans and diagrams are stupid, per- haps, but this one is not to be skipped. This bit of clever simplicity was devised by the girl who had specially not been asked to join our club. People about An Operetta in Profile. 41 a 3 0- o -t to ^ 3 ^ CL re ET a- >-< p a. • v> ■-« H ■I ^ §". D- 5' 5 3 fi) 3 <-i- 3 EL C/) CD crq W U) P 3 P^ C:. o ^ 3 PV 3 o - S W 3- o 3 '"^ i o g S-p £^ P „ P -- o t^ 3 S KG-^ p ^ ri^ 3 P £f r-h &a-5 5! C" P. 3 c 3 k— ■ •-! 1/5 C/q C!- ro 5'3 ■ ►1 Pj H P f> ^ .^s. U^ 3 55 r S^" i, 3 > o > o en H > o Crq 3^ 3 rt- ftj tell what — methought I was and methought I had ; hut man is hut a patched fool if he will offer to say . . . what methought I had." Hans von Bulow said that the mo- notony of respectability was driving him crazy. He wanted some common music, some exquisitely incorrect harmonies, some charmingly disgraceful tunes only sixteen rhythmical bars in length ; and not daring to be found listening to any- thing of the sort in public, had secluded himself with an accordion and a collec- tion of negro melodies. In this sense we proposed that our third act should be after Von Biilow. The Portrait, who, you 62 All Operetta in Profile. remember, had escaped arrest through a window, followed by the inevitable Statues, rushed into the arms of the Cook Ladies' Association returning from a' meeting of their order. He was re- ceived by them with enthusiasm on informing them he was exhibiting a show of Irish beauty, and that the po- lice, in the English interest, were trying to prevent him. The Cook Ladies were some fifteen or twenty hobbledehoys in calico gowns, armed with brooms and banners, and singing at the top of their strong young voices doggerel something like this : — " If the rulers of the country You 're looking for, my friend, Just come and make a call on us, And your trouble 's at an end. For it 's Bridget rules the kitchen, And Pat that runs the stable ; An Operetta in Profile. 63 And ain^t the two, between them, To whack the world just able ? Oh, no ! Just so ! To whack the world just able." All the brooms down with hearty thumps at the '* Oh, no ! Just so ! " music getting frolicsome; Cook Ladies change places, advance, retreat; music growing more furious; Cook Ladies spin across the stage ; music settling in- to the lilt of an Irish jig; Cook Ladies *' setting " into the jig. And very pretty dancing it was ; and so happy as the boys were about it ! while we felt the delicious thrills of diplomacy. I should suppose that great minds care nothing about diplomacy, and are simple, direct, and childlike, like Christians, — I mean like ideal Christians. But small minds get deep satisfaction from policy and 64 An Operetta in Profile. forecast and cleverness and manage- ment; and one of our best hours in this business was spent in counting over the families and fond relatives who would come to see and share the radiant satisfaction of these young men. But surely Destiny is not a woman, as portrayed, but a man. No woman is so logically sarcastic ! We had reckoned without our Doppelgdnger, We — that is, the Committee — held, as you may suppose, daily meetings ; and at each one we said : *' It will be better not to mention this at present, but to keep it strictly to ourselves; the effect in the end will be so much better." But this is the age of tattle. Our news- papers bring the most impertinent gos- sip about the world and its wife, and we call it — news. Nothing is sacred from a reporter or your neighbor's opera- An Operetta in Profile, 65 glass; and the only known method of keeping a secret is that used by the London ''Times." That journal held one fast in its clutch for six hours. But it went into a state of siege ! Doors and windows were made fast; no one went out or came in, and despatches were handed in through a window; and no mortal knew the why of it all but the editor and two men safe in his sanctum meanwhile. Now, that is an excellent, energetic method, but not possible in our case; so it goes without saying, that it was precisely as if a sieve had promised not to let a drop of water through. All our conclusions were handed about as small change for con- versational currency almost before we had drawn them ourselves, and as a consequence established itself our Dop- pelgdnger Committee. So regularly as 5 66 All Operetta in Profile. we met of evenings, did our Doppcl- gdnger sit of mornings in critical con- clave on our proceedings. It was like reading of one's self in an opposition newspaper to hear their comments. But not till the third act was actually on the stocks did a coalition of some of the most unlikely people in town oblige us to consider our provoking double in a serious light. " Tongue, I must put you in a butter- woman's mouth, and buy myself another of Baja^et's mule, if yon prattle me into these perils," Half-way up the middle aisle of our church sits a family conscious of pos- sessing the correct conduct and ideas that may be called the hall-mark of aristocratic race. Benevolent, kindly, courteous, and entirely conservative, they are living exponents of the great power of negation. They are continually quoted and admired for what they re- fuse to do, say, read, wear, and believe. They come in gray gowns and thick shoes to satin and tulle assemblies. They think emotion in art improper, and that the correct manner is formal. 68 An Operetta in Profile. and proper upholstery a little ugly. But they condemn no one who yields to the popular impulse in these matters. They only explain to you, in all the pride of meekness and arrogance of humility, your own inferiority as you float down the stream with the rest of the rubbish, while they stand on the bank full of good wishes, and wash their hands of you. Then, too, they edit their own dictionary; and what its deflnition of proper and improper may be, no one can divine till he asks. Consequently our Committee, offering them an interest in the Oper- etta, learned that for any member of that family, anything enacted in the glaring publicity of an audience com- posed of their neighbors of the last thirty years or so, would be quite im- possible, — though well enough, perhaps. An Operetta in Profile, 6g for those who had no such scruples. And though no one could be more anxious that the desired sum should be obtained for the church, they could not lend even their names as an indorse- ment for the undertaking. In short, our Committee came away from that house very red in the face, and morally tingling. *'0h! if you borrow one another's love for the instant, you may, when you hear no more word of Pompey, return it again." But who could have pictured them — the correct, the fastidious, the faultless — fraternizing, united by a common bond of indignation, and standing on our third act as a platform, with the extreme left wing of our little community, — the speckled sheep so nearly black that one never quite knows whether to coun- tenance or cut them ; the Adullamites ! those who are avoided, discontented, whispered about; the intimates of Mrs. AduUam, and that lady herself! There are women spurred by a crav- ing egotism to ceaseless war with other A71 operetta in Profile. Ji women. Such a one was Mrs. Adullam. Had she been ugly, she might have written sour reviews and set the teeth of authors on edge, or painted scan- dalous portraits after the manner of Ouida ; for she was so unfortunate that she believed anything good, true, noble, whatever warms the heart and brings tears to the eyes, to be mere trick, grimace, stage-effect, copy-book, an outer fine polish over an inner forma- tion of crystals of absurdity, meanness, and hypocrisy ! And what else but sourness and malice could be the result of such a creed? Authors and women escaped, however, because thirty years before, by virtue of a well-cut nose and fine violet eyes, Mrs. Adullam had found the short and easy road to victory over other women, by the subjugation of every man who fancied blonde loveli- 72 An Operetta in Profile, ness. Copy-books teach us how a pas- sion indulged becomes a tyrant. At fifty, urged by that same necessity of victory, Mrs. Adullam, like Napoleon, lost her head, and betook herself to dyes, paints, girlish slang and clothes, and — boys ; and supplied a great want in our circle. When we found ourselves in a '' Lord-I-thank-thee-I-am-not-as- other-women-are " state of gratitude, one could always finish the sentence to oneself — ** even as this " Mrs; Adullam. It had even been supposed impossible that Mrs. Adullam should be invited to join our club. Yet now behold her bronze frizz and point-de-vice tight jackets, in friendliest conversation with those hats and wraps that piqued them- selves on lack of style and fit, as unne- cessary to their wearers. The tight wrap and the shapeless one '' had long felt An Operetta in Profile. 73 the laxity of Church discipline, and errors in Church management." " Mrs. AduUam's father was a clergyman, and she was sensitive on these points." '' As for variety-show dancing, and vulgar burlesque in connection with anything so sacred as getting money for the church — there indeed was need for instant interference. Besides, there was the Bishop's pastoral letter." In brief, Mrs. AduUam, who had hitherto re- sented her exclusion by playing Dop- pelgdnger, saw the strategic importance of the situation and seized it, clever little Wellington that she was ! And the most fastidious family in town, that had hitherto only nodded vaguely at Mrs. AduUam's audacious toques, recol- lected a text seldom mentioned out of church, it is so inconvenient and ill- fitting in every-day life : '' Judge not, 74 -^^^ Operetta in Profile. that ye be not judged." Notes were sent between the two houses, they grew confidential on raihvay trains, and drove home together. The *' family " supplied the text, and Mrs. AduUam preached the sermon in every drawing- room where she was received, with her accustomed sarcastic comments. The Bishop's pastoral letter, that everybody took for a meaningless shred of medi- sevalism, was found to have an edge in it. We had proposed to elude it by calling the Operetta *' Dialogues in Series, with Vocal Illustrations." But such an evasion would only be possi- ble in a friendly obscurity, whereas, Mrs. AduUam was turning the public dark-lantern full upon us. A hasty sum- mons brought the Committee through a blinding snow-storm to an informal morning meeting at the house of our An Operetta in Profile. 75 President, Mrs. Pepperton ; and that lady, being a woman of impulse, met us at the very door, a letter tragically ex- tended in each hand : — ** Come in, ladies ! Pray lose no time in learning how your labors are appre- ciated. The church must have money. The congregation is too poor or too stingy to give it. Even our clergyman declares he will talk no more about it, as he came to preach Christ, and not debts. Somebody must earn the money by their wits, and we who — " here her English failed her. She crushed the letters into my hand, — for as Secretary of the Association it was my business to read them, — and flung herself into the nearest chair. The first letter was from the Ultra-Con- servative - AduUam - Opposition, signed by a number of names that obliged "^6 An Operetta in Profile. attention, — a formal protest against the third act of the Operetta as ** riot- ous and indecorous " (they had never seen it, knew about it only from hear- say) ; and as unfit to be used in connection with a church benefit, and calling attention to the Bishop's pas- toral letter. *' Riotous and indecorous ! " The Committee looked at each other quiver- ing and scarlet. Mrs. Pepperton threw out her hands with an impatient gesture. '* That is nothing ; you will find we are much worse than that. Read the other letter, and you will discover that we are heathen also, and that somebody from Bombay, or the Ghaut Mountains, or Siam, or Timbuctoo, for what I know, — some idolatrous rendezvous, — has arrived in order to tell us so. Read it, that's all; read it!" An Operetta in Profile. yy The second letter was addressed by Raya Yog to ** The Ladies of the Execu- tive Committee," and read as follows : Tadies, — You have been graciously pleased to ask my assistance in an undertaking for "the benefit of your Church." Pardon a stranger both to your religion and civilization, if I venture to ask, " Of which Church?" For to my apprehension there are two, — one that I do not see, but of which I hear ; one of which I do not hear, but that I do see, — the Church of Christ, and the Christian Church. The first, as I understand it, was founded by him you call your Saviour. A Jewish peasant, whose ministry among the poor and despised lasted only three years, ended in an ignominious death, and was in the opinion of the men of his own day a failure. Never- theless, though the succeeding eighteen cen- turies, while acknowledging his name, have steadily disobeyed his commandments and disregarded his teachings, the mere preaching 78 A7i Operetta in Profile. of his word has been an energiznig force that has altered the whole world and opened high- ways into its most inaccessible fastnesses, physical and mental. There has been life in contact with the mere dry husks of his teach- ing, as in the bones of Elijah. It has fallen out as he declared, *' that man does not Uve by bread alone, but by every word that pro- ceedeth out of the mouth of God ; " and that which makes up the life of man to-day, — its activity, glory, and greatness, — found its motive force in the preaching of his Gos- pel, and has advanced with it step for step. According to this Gospel there are two kingdoms, — that of this world, whose Prince had nothing in Jesus (Christ, who chose his own lot, having power " to lay his life down and the power to take it up," rejected all be- longing to it, even a shelter) ; and the king- dom of heaven. Its gate is so far from that of this world that to enter it " a man must be born again." Its atmosphere is so different that the new man must be spiritual, — " flesh and blood [animal love and desires] cannot An Operetta in Profile. 79 inherit it." Its time is now, its place is here, — "the kingdom of heaven is within you ; " its centre is in the antipodes of Self; that is, in God. Its law sets aside the pains and perplexities of earth, as electricity does time and space. It brings out succor, rest, and comfort from any conditions, with- out outward change ; as the sun-power draws out leaf and blossom and fruit, without level- ling or smoothing the heap of refuse or the mound of earth. It offers one model, — a little child; one commandment, — love, love that will give its whole life for another, a neighbor ; that is, he who needs you, — an enemy, a slanderer, a rival perhaps. It has one formula, — secrecy in almsgiving, pray- ing, and well doing ; one reward, — Eternal Life, " Because I live, ye shall live also ; " one promise, — " Ask, and it shall be given you." Is not this true ? Have I not correctly read your Gospel ? But does the Christian Church find or take " a kingdom of heaven " with it into the m.arket-places and counting-houses ? Does it admit a working faith in its business and 8o Aft Operetta in Profile. politics ; or does it say something about " alle- gory," and keep its daily life and its religion in " water-tight compartments " ? Does it " love its neighbor as itself," when business is based on disadvantage of the neighbor, and society on the humiliation of a neighbor? Is it in humility that it crowds the highway, asking for " greetings," and scrambles for " the high- est places " ? Is it for secrecy that subscrip- tion-lists are arranged? Where can I, a stranger, find in the collective doings of the Christian Church practical proof of the con- viction that the real entities are unseen, and not of this world? Again, the Church of Christ names itself a Spiritual Church. It has one Ruler, — God ; " A Spirit who must be worshipped in spirit and truth." It has a teacher and protector, — a Holy Ghost. It is constantly attacked and accused by what one of your writers calls " an Unholy Ghost." It is in a state of war- fare, " for Christ must rule till he has put down all enemies under his feet." It wres- tles " not against flesh and blood, but against All Operetta in Profile. 8i Principalities, against Powers, against the Rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places," — a hie- rarchy of infernal splendor, the Order of the Wisdom of the Abyss ! That is to be trium- phant for a time ; for " it shall manifest itself with signs and wonders that might deceive the very elect," working miracles, worshipped by the .world. It is not an infant hierarchy ; for by what occult power did the Egyptian magicians parallel the wonders worked by Moses up to a certain point ? By what occult power did she of Endor show the likeness of Samuel to the hard-hunted Saul? What mighty power withstood for one and twenty days the messenger to Daniel, — that mes- senger robed in whiteness of snow and dazzle of gold, shining from within as the burning of a gem in his clearness, his eyes as light- ning; before whom Daniel, prince, prophet, priest, seer, wise in occult lore, the friend of angels, " fell as one dead "? Who were those who '* withstood " while " Michael the great Prince of the Jews alone was with him in 6 82 An Operetta in Profile. these matters " ? What darkly wise urging was that, calHng the fainting Messiah to use the power given him of God for selfish ends, and so cut loose from the Divinity ; subtler yet, whispering him to prove that power and test the promises in the services of his pride? What is '' this Power in the Air," and its " Prince " against whom Christ and Paul and John warn all believers, — this Brotherhood of the Shadow that is '' to prevail against the saints " till withered and shrivelled " in the brightness of the coming of the Lord"? "Allegory" answers. That Christian Church, that is to-day in the persons of its members the great business manager and land-owner and oppressor in that " world " whose " Prince " wars against the Church of Christ. But the Word of Christ, that he declares " shall outlast heaven and earth," has taken to itself wings of flame, and has traversed the world, and is returning, " quick and power- ful as a two-edged sword," blazoned on the blood-red banner of the Socialist, the Anarch- ist, and the Infidel. These deny the Christ, All Operetta in Profile. 83 but are keen to see that the great working force of the times is latent in that despised commandment of universal brotherhood. And as his own are mute, the very stones in the street are crying out against those mighty shrines of granite and marble, decorated with everything except obedience, where they have buried a dead Christ deaf to his poor, who sin and starve about his temples. And as the sun draws jewelled reflections from windows where are blazoned saints and martyrs who in life would not have been welcome in these costly buildings, and as the organ-swells fill all the solemn aisles and vaulted roof, there sounds continually a Voice, — " They sit before thee as my people, and they hear thy words, but they will not do them. For with their mouth they show thee much love, but their heart goeth after their covetousness. And lo ! thou art unto them as a very lovely song, of one that hath a pleasant voice, and can play well on an in- strument. For they hear thy words, but they do them not." 84 Alt Operetta in Profile. His name is over the portal, indeed, but within are the counters of the money-chang- ers ; and though you can read the signs of the skies, you cannot read " the signs of the times." And to those who still adhere to the Church of Christ, it has happened as he fore- told, "and the days shall come when you shall desire to see one of the days of the Son of Man, and shall not see it." For they say unto you, Lo ! here, or Lo ! there, but it is not He ; and even as he asks, " should he at his coming find faith on the earth," do you echo the sad question, for he is rejected of this generation. Compassionate then the embarrassment of a foreigner confused between creeds and practice, and kindly explain. Is your under- taking for the benefit of the Church of Christ ? Does it invite the help of the obscure and neglected, and propose to delight not only your friends, but the helpless and the sad ; those hurt in heart and sore in soul ; those who know pleasure only by report ? Or is it for a Christian church, for the decoration and An Operetta in Profile. 85 repair of some religious club-house, by way of coaxing the needed sum from people who are anxious to balance their heavenly book- keeping at the smallest possible cost, because of their earthly ledgers ? Yours most respectfully, Raya Yog. " She 's a good sign, but I have seen small reflection of her wit." " There ! " cried Mrs. Pepperton, en- ergetically throwing out her hands as I finished the reading of Raya Yog's let- ter; ''there!" and again words failed her. To be called " riotous and inde- corous," and Pharisees ! To be bated by a Mrs. Adullam and a copper-col- ored, or (if one is to be particular to a shade) olive-tinted, idolater, who no doubt said unintelligible prayers to some gold or ebony image with a hideous, leering face, and who believed childish absurdities about sacred tortoises and Buddha. A man to whom we had been condescendingly explaining, ever since A /I Operetta in Profile. 87 our evil stars brought him among us. Would you not call the Operetta rather a malicious jinn than a fairy godmother, playing a diabolical game of chess, and offering us check at every other move? Still, whether godmother or malicious jinn, none of us were disposed to aban- don our Operetta. We were in love with our own scheme, and, like all love, it was stimulated by opposition. It was agreed, of course, that no notice should be taken of Raya Yog's singular and most impertinent letter. No doubt, in his ignorance of our language, he had not the least idea of what he was saying. The protest was a more serious business, and there was a certain relief in feeling that for that we could hold our author responsible. She had never been thor- oughly approved among us. To begin, there was something in her very appear- 88 An Operetta in Profile. ance different from others, — an outward show no doubt of what was within (I mean her pecuhar and original think- ing), that imposed upon strangers as an air of distinction. They attributed it to a fine estate, an uncle in the Senate, or a grandfather at least. And of course when it was discovered that she was the mere nobody that she is, people re- sented their involuntary deference. Be- sides, her mind might be said to be a positive inn for ideas that had their capital in the next world, and were hopelessly out at elbows in this. In addition, she would never leave Truth in her well. She was always for having the goddess out in the light of day, and was inevitably repaid by such blows and bruises as must always fall to that mortal dwarf who will walk with an im- mortal giant. Never too popular, and An Operetta in Profile, 89 having no following to make any one afraid, she was In the natural course of the Libretto, like Fate, made to bear the blame of every one's failures and dis- appointments. She had never been al- lowed to select the dramatis personcs, or offer opinions; but the public held her accountable for every invidious criti- cism and selection. In retaliation she had been specially omitted from lunches and neighborly gatherings, and no Arc- tic explorer could find himself more thoroughly frozen In or out, than she had been in the Pepperton drawing- rooms. And now the Committee felt itself at liberty to turn on her in a united glare ; for was it not her fault that they had been called " riotous and indeco- rous "? And Mrs. Pepperton, as spokes- woman, was just opening her mouth, when the offender froze the words on 90 An Operetta in Profile, her lips with a roll of manuscript. A fresh roll ! A new third act. Some muttering, some hint of the intended protest had reached her only the after- noon before, and her quick wit had caught at the truth. She had written all night. The Broom-dance was swept away ; there was no Broom-dance. The Committee might write at once to the ** Protestants," and in courteous phrases give them to understand that the Broom- dance had already been relinquished as ** unsuitable ; " and the third act was to take place in a young ladies' seminary ! In fact, the Hobbledehoy Brigade was to be held in reserve for a fourth act, and in place of the Cook Ladies' Associa- tion, the Portrait would take refuge in the Chiff-Chaff Seminary. There he would present the Statues as his coun- try cousins, for whom he desired lessons Aji Operetta in Profile. 91 in deportment. Once more the Pepper- ton's working carriage made its omnibus rounds, and stood before the different doors in town, while eager neighbors watched its shabby green linings and cynical coachman in quivering anxiety ; and ladies said to each other afterwards, with attempted indifference, " that Mrs. Pepperton had called, and that Jane or Marie was invited to act as a Chiff-Chaff girl, — if that were the name ; it was something like that, at any rate." The daughters of their mothers were equally well satisfied. Young ladyhood has re- straints as well as compensations. The length of one's hair, the turn of an ankle, the grace of a jump or a skip, all kept severely secret by every well-bred young woman, may be quite innocently dis- played, — put the clock back to girlhood, and the young lady in Chiff-Chaff Semi- 92 A71 Operetta in Profile. nary. And fifteen girls, who knew where to keep their feet under their short skirts, and within what bounds to shriek, giggle, and skip, made such a pretty show of dimples, bloom, and archness that it was already counted as the feature of the Operetta; while a general burst of laughter received the dialogue in the deportment class, that was already winging its way about in town talk. As thus : — "■ How should one cut a shabby ac- quaintance with perfect politeness?" *' By a faint smile, that grazes the shabby forehead, and then slants away, over the heads and shoulders of those nearest." Class proceeds to illustrate the '' faint- ness " of the smile, and to *' slant " it correctly. ** What is the first principle of deport- ment?" A7t operetta in Profile. 93 " To call attention to one's gown." Class proceeds to pose with a view to the '' gowns." " What is the second principle of deportment?" " To assert one's superiority." ** Superiority to what, young ladies? " " To everything." " Precisely how is this best accom- plished?" " By a stolid deafness and consistent bhndness." ''Exactly; the class will now recite the creed of the deaf people who have ears, and the blind people who have eyes." Class all together : *' I believe in being deaf, dumb, and blind to all strangers, landscapes, chance remarks, works of art, interesting incidents, and ordinary civilities of life, on all streets, railways, 94 ^^^ Operetta in Profile, and steamboats, and in all hotels, thea- tres, and picture-galleries, and every- where in general." Class proceeds to illustrate '' assertion of superiority." "■ Very good ! Now, young ladies," and here Madame Chiff-Chaff turns her cold eyes on the Statues, *' there is something too free, too wild, too — too — too natural about your demeanor. You keep your feet far apart. Pray observe. You should in your gait try to convey the idea that a woman moves about on castors and without joints. Your arms are too limp. Hold them more closely at the top, and stick them sharply out at the elbows. So ! Shorten your steps, if you please ! Stiffen your- selves ! Try to give an impression of no limbs and general helplessness ! Class, attention ! The Chiff-Chaff young ladies An Operetta in Profile. 95 will now walk in single file before these young ladies — from the country — and give them an object-lesson in style." Class proceeds to give the object-les- son in '' style." This dialogue required so little men- tal effort, and could be applied in so many ill-natured v/ays, that it came up, like Jack's Beanstalk, in every lady's parlor. But at the same time there was a positive explosion of indignation. The withdrawal of the Cook Ladies and their broom-dance set free the Genii in the bottle we had just been made to open. Our Hobbledehoys had been captivated by the rush and jollity, the rhythmic stampings and " fetching " chorus, of the Cook Ladies' Association. They were flattered to be of use and impor- tance, and were pleased perhaps with the novelty of a real interest outside of 96 All Opei'etta in Profile. billiard-rooms, bar-rooms, and green- rooms. Then young people have, be- sides, an unhealthy appetite for unripe, indigestible things, like grievances, and our boys were prepared to fight for this one as if it had been a Stuart or a Bour- bon. They formed themselves into a " Society of United Brooms," wearing a silver broom as a badge, and were loud and bitterly witty on the subject. And as the ill-omened Genii we had just un- bottled would have it, at that time the town fell heir to a scandal. '' Will it serve for any model to build mischief on ? " As one takes children to visit a me- nagerie and stare through the bars at Hons, cobras, and other venomous forms of unhappiness, so did an official promi- nent in the Church convoy a neophyte, a young Daniel not yet come to judg- ment, through the whirling, glittering maze of a great public ball in New York. While thus engaged he beheld there another well-known face, another suburban youth, unescorted, with no offi- cial guardian angel, — there on his own responsibility, and enjoying himself com- pletely ! Very likely the horror-struck official talked in his sleep ; and his wife — told nobody, but she radiated it 7 98 An Operetta in Profile. throughout her circle. Perhaps she could not have retained the secret within her system with safety to herself. A member of the ultra-fastidious-family- who-had-protested thought it a duty to inform the mother of the " unescorted " young man, etc. Everything hooked into everything else, like the *' House that Jack built," till the whole circle about that young man took fire and blew up ; and the fastidious family cut the unescorted young man on the street, because it was a duty to save their own olive-branches from the upas- like influence of the unescorted one. But as all the town, except those most concerned, knew, those '* olive- branches " also attended the fatal ball in New York, also unescorted; only — the prominent church-member had not hap- pened to see them. An Operetta in Profile. 99 The gossips were as busy and merry as crows. The *' united brooms " com- posed locally impertinent and transpar- ently mystic songs and catches. The severe party's Christianity seemed to have risen to the surface and turned sour, like cream in a thunder-storm. Mr. Skeggs, by steady perseverance, could scarcely collect and retail his im- proved edition of half the comments in town. It was spring-time for him. His sallow face wore a look of positive ani- mation. And as his light top-coat twinkled in and out of innumerable doors he was happy as a sparrow with a straw or an end of thread. The insin- uated scandal concerning the ** olive- branches " who attended the ball " un- escorted," and the severity of certain persons who would do better to turn the microscope on their own fields, gave lOO An Operetta in Profile. flavor to the dry theological discussions about the Bishop's pastoral letter, when applied to ** dialogues in series with vocal illustrations." And when it is re- membered that an Iliad of what each lady might know or suspect about other members of the '' United Brooms " was also in order, it will be seen at once that formal calls became for the time endura- ble, while we quaked behind the Operetta that had opened the gates for this deluge of mud. There were also very special results from the selection of a Madame Chiff- Chaff. The music in duos and trios, with pretty little marching and tripping meas- ures, contained also a solo for Madame Chiff-Chaff, requiring the best voice in the Operetta, a sense of humor, and a married lady, as it was probable if this All Operetta in Profile. lOi prominent role should be offered to a young lady that the other girls would resign in a body. The results that fol- lowed her nomination were unexpected, and came far afield, like the straggling tendrils of Virginia creeper, that, start- ing from a root on the southern side of our house, crept under ground, beneath piazzas and past steps and walls, into the light of day on the northwestern angle of the building. ''Ay! an you had an eye behind you, you might see more detraction at your heels than fortune before you." Hitherto our Operetta had man- ceuvred within what one may call the aristocratic section of the town, — if any- thing American can be aristocratic. For what makes up the woof and warp of an aristocracy under the Declaration of Independence? Or why are we trying to grow this impossible exotic under glass? Abroad, where families date, like rats, from the Crusades, or at the very least have neighbored each other for the last seven hundred years or so, American aristocracy is a ridiculous mushroom. Here it has An Operetta in Profile. 103 no record, no history, no Debrett of its own, and can have none. It is relative, differing in almost every county. It is always an open question, and forever in Chancery. Get yourself recognized at home ; and fifty miles away, perhaps, no- body knows who you are, and you are flatly denied. For example. Many years ago a New England Brahmin was travel- ling for several days on a Mississippi steamboat where his name carried no con- viction with it. The Brahmin, as is often the manner of Brahmins, was small, dry, and insignificantly ugly. The Brahmin- ess, his wife, on the contrary, was what maybe called a sumptuous beauty, — de- licious flesh and blood, in soft yellowish white and softer rose-petal tints, with dark eyes full of an inward fire ; a woman withal of statuesque and chilling dig- nity. The Brahmins took their caste with 104 ^^^ Operetta in Profile, them. They sat apart, ate apart. In view of all this mystery and seclusion, of a couple in such startling contrast as this so-called husband and wife, that explo- sive virtue, that, like carbonic-acid gas, is everywhere in the atmosphere, first smouldered, and then blazed; and in consideration of the insulted modesty of the other passengers, at the first landing the Brahmins were requested to with- draw. This was a Brahmin of Brahmins ! And in a land where such horrors are possible, our aristocracy must always be like our divorce laws, — recognized in one State, and illegal in another. Nor is this all. As all Americans are already free and equal, we are burdened as we stand with a right to be maintained, — an everlasting equation, in which one is al- ways trying to learn to what this equality is equal. If Americans are also to climb Ajt Operetta in Profile. 105 the ever-climbing wave of pedigree, in order to speak reasonably about the thing at all, there should be a court, in constant session, on the claims, laws, precedents, and definitions of an Ameri- can aristocracy. At present, if a man achieves money, he sets up a carriage, a coach-dog, and a coat of arms together ; buys them all three. Aristocracy is only a euphuism for money, without preju- dice from any genuine claims of descent, as I can soon show you. There is in one of our smaller streets a house where you can step directly into the year 1776. In the hall hangs a brownish picture in a dingy frame. It is the portrait of a man who signed the Declaration of Independence, and filled so large a niche in the gallery of his epoch that novels of his day generally introduce his name, to give the proper io6 Ajt Operetta in Profile. verisimilitude to their story. Here, too, are chairs once belonging to Marie An- toinette ; miniatures of members of her court ; bits even of that luckless woman's handiwork, given in personal friendship to men and women of a generation not more courteous or honorable than their descendants of to-day. Yet these people live in seclusion. I have even been as- sured that they are " common," — that is, poor; also, that a certain easy, gliding grace of one of these ladies was much out of keeping in her little parlor. " Out of keeping " for the children of men and women who led a life of mark in English annals ; who shone dazzling at Versailles ; who shared the retreats to the little Trianon; who helped with heart and arm to uphold the young fortunes of our Republic ! But for a young lady whose grandmother smoked a pipe, and An Operetta in Profile. 107 whose father, being named Munday, has just set up the family motto in blue and gold, Sic transit gloria miindi, with all the appropriate heraldic beasts, — how well, I say, in the mind of our critic, this '' easy grace" would have suited, how entirely in keeping ! were it a thing to be bought, instead of an affair of inheri- tance. So if, according to Olivia's Fool, ''What is, is," it is plain that our pedi- grees should be found in the money ar- ticle in the ''Herald," and are as variable as anything in an almanac. And there would be much less confusion if papers of aristocracy were made out for the cur- rent year, giving notice of those on their promotion and of those just counted out, — also local particulars and defini- tions; for in some sections nothing more is needed to achieve aristocracy than a glass window, in others a White- io8 All Operetta in Profile. chapel cart, in others a yacht, or a cottage at Newport. And taking it all together, was Raya Yog so very wrong about his two Churches? Since what can the kingdom of heaven, where the greatest hath the humility of a little child, hold in common with thinking of this order? " You wear out a good wholesome fore- noon in hearing a course between an orange- wife and a fosset-seller , and then adjourn the controversy of three pence to a second day of audience," However, as I was about to say, there is as much butcher, baker, and candlestick-maker among us as else- where, and the sort of circumstance called '' unforeseen " is sure to have a root somewhere in the grocer's zone. Now, almost in the centre of our town lies a broad street, clearly intended for a fashionable quarter, that for some oc- cult reason has failed, — like a beauty of a wealthy marriage. And, spite of am- bitious buildings, you are told " that no- no An Operetta in Profile. body lives there that anybody knows." This crushing social edict cuts ofif its inhabitants from us, and they might almost as well be the red and blue fish in the Lake of the Buried City for any- thing that we know of them. Inter- cepting this domestic Sahara are grassy roads, catching pleasant glimpses of curving shore and sparkling bay. On these have sprung up a mushroom crop of houses with so much Queen Anne and so little length and width that it is difficult to consider them seriously, not as toys, but as habitations. They are at once so fine and so flimsy that they have an air of being bought in a lot at some bargain counter. The paint is haggard ; the walls and win- dows are out of line; the ornamental saw-work is impossible ; the stained glass is unreasonable; there is a tradi- A?i Operetta in Profile. in tion attached to the cellar about India- rubber boots regularly supplied as a part of the kitchen furniture. These streets make up a Debatable Land, where side by side with people styled " com- mon " and '' impossible " live those who are neither quite in society nor abso- lutely out of it. The dividing-lines are so faintly outlined between that the best social naturalist could hardly have explained the selection that omitted one and invited her neighbor. Between those liable to be occasionally included and often snubbed, and those never rec- ognized at all, there is plenty of friction and dissatisfaction, — all the more be- cause, strangely enough, the local edi- tors and attorneys have hitherto always been found in the "■ impossible " ranks. In the very centre of this region lived Madame Chiff-Chaff; and Rome was 112 An Operetta in Profile, never shaken by fiercer contending pas- sions than was the district around her by the news of her appointment. Mrs. Chiff-Chaff possessed the requisite voice and sense of humor, and was also in that essential state of marriage ; it was said, besides, that she was of an excellent family. Why excellent, nobody knew, for nobody knew the family; but, like that other unknown quantity, x, every- thing is argued from it. This unknown family was also cultured, for some one belonging to it had once written a book. Had a woman been called a cook be- cause she made a pie, the next question would have been as to the goodness of the pie ; but as it was only a book, we were not so critical. For the rest, Mrs. Chiff-Chaff herself was stout, rosy, comely, clever, and executive, whatever the occasion, whether a church fair, a Aft Operetta in Profile. 113 funeral, or a wedding; and coming to be gradually adopted among us like an Idea, carriages from the Upper End of the town were to be seen more and more frequently before her door, — to the bitter discomfiture of her neighbors, specially of those across the way. Here lived the local attorney (a sal- low man, with that hungry craving for importance that some people call am- bition) ; also his wife, a bride of six months, and his father-in-law, Jeffries Harwell, — a famous name in Southern society half a century ago. The Jeffries- Harwell duels, their embassies, their love-making, their horses, their lineage dating back to the crusaders' tombs, — were they not all in the current gossip of their day? Their old manor-house, built with bricks brought from England, still stands, though no longer in the 8 114 ^^^ Operetta in Profile. possession of the family. There are also some wonderful sideboards and silver in existence, on which you will find their crest and initial; and the fa- mous Harwell emeralds are, if I mistake not, at Tiffany's. Sixty years ago a Jeffries Harwell married the most beau- tiful woman in Philadelphia, — a city of beautiful women; but as such she is still remembered, together with the Harwell plate, lace, beauty, breeding, pride, folly, and fierce, impracticable temper. Also at the court of Na- poleon HI. figured a Harwell of such finished manners that his American ex- traction, if not forgotten, was forgiven. But acres vanished like mists, stocks ex- haled like essence. Real estate is surely the most unreal and delusive of posses- sions; riches have wings; and without a setting of gold, of what value is even An Operetta in Profile. 115 an ancestor with the cross of a crusader on his shoulder? Nothing remained to Jeffries Harwell but that hypochondria hereditary in such families like gout, by which a man imagines that he is — not of glass, but of consequence, when he is shabby and out at elbows, and hustled by everybody. The attorney found his wife, who was twenty-nine years old and looked seventeen (a very wide-eyed, in- nocent seventeen), in a dingy lodging- house, where she managed the dinners and the bills for her father. Her sleepy blue eyes were tolerably well open to the chances of the life in which she found herself. She accepted the meagre attorney in exchange for her dimples, her " fetching" foreign airs, and trick of speech (she had been educated abroad), as a fair bargain. He was a lifelong quittance for herself and father for the ii6 An Operetta in Profile. butcher's bill and the rent. Having a correct appreciation of her own attrac- tions and tact, she thought of the sub- urban town, in which a home waited for her, as already conquered. Like other clever people, she underrated the resist- ing power of dulness. No one had ever heard of the Jeffries Harwells ; and had they done so, it was like finding the Koh- t-noor tied up in a tramp's handkerchief. What unmentionable reasons could have induced a Jeffries Harwell to marry the local attorney? She attended the church reception, and the iron-clad, duty-doing ladies who addressed her were consider- ably startled by her readiness and her repartees ; the air of equality, even con- descension ; the clever anecdotes, the society style, the self-possession, of the attorney's wife. It was whispered that she had been an actress, or a ballet- An Operetta in Profile. iiy dancer even. The Upper End carriages never came to her door. The butcher's wife, on her left, was of the opinion that there was more starch than Christianity in the Upper End, and strongly advised her to join the other church. The edi- tor's wife, on her right, was of the same opinion. Commonplace women, all wrong about their hair, their skirts, and their grammar, nodded at her distantly, or overlooked her altogether. Her wit, her voice, and her dramatic cleverness were all needed in the Operetta ; but she had not even been asked to join the club. She was filled with contempt- uous rage; that bitter schoolmistress, Envy, kept her all day at moral subtrac- tion, — subtracting the world's estimate of herself from her own estimate of her- self, and finding the world in debt to her for a large remainder; subtracting Ii8 An Operetta in Profile. the actual value of her neighbors from the world's over-estimate of them, and smiling sardonically at the huge dis- crepancy. She was a woman of force, a woman to make herself felt. Besides, such a state of affairs is contagious ; a malarial mist of scandal filled and pois- oned the entire neighborhood, and from thence began imperceptibly to make a deadly way into a higher social plane. *' Look you! the worm is not to he trusted hut in the keeping of wise people ; for indeed there is no goodness in the worm," In the heart of the town there is a large shop-window filled with repulsive fashion- plates, giving, as they are doubtless in- tended to do, painful notions of what not to wear. This suggests, in its own dreary way, a mantua-maker within. Here the Upper End ladies bring their old gowns to be picked out and re-made, and the smart waitresses and cooks their Sunday gowns. In addition, these last relate what they suppose they know, and think they see, of the family life of their em- ployers. The mantua-maker, as middle- I20 Aji Operetta in Profile. man, retails this interesting information to those ladies who are of the Guild of St.Gossip. Also, the cooks and waitresses aforesaid take home their spoils to such of their mistresses as will hear them. The mantua-maker is, besides, on terms of humble intimacy with the butcher's wife and other ladies of that neighbor- hood, and attends all their little festivi- ties as an assistant, waiting in kitchen or dining-room, ready for an emergency. Through her there is, as you can see, an ever-open channel of communication between the non-visiting sections, — a northwest passage about which there is unhappily no difficulty. So poor a creature she looks, so foolish, fluttered, and cowardly, it is hard to take her seriously. Yet, poor as she sits there, shrilly talking, she has cost a good man his good name. Sitting there in the attor- An Operetta in Profile. 121 ney's kitchen, it was her hand that wrote the Mene-Mene-Tekel-Upharsin on the walls of the finest house in town, whose inhabitants did not visit the attorney's wife. The scandal mist was rising. In venomous twistings and turnings, it was creeping in at the Upper End. What the town had always known of Mr. Pep- perton was that his gates stood wide open, literally for all. The wharf in his pleasure-grounds was filled of summer evenings by people who had no water outlook and sunset view of their own. His carriages were omnibuses. His boats took out half the town. To him the town owed its best street, and industrial activ- ity. The church was a matter between him and the congregation. He took three fourths of its debt and worries, and the congregation, with much grumb- ling, accepted the rest. When his ten- 122 All Operetta in Profile. ants were straitened, and pushed into financial corners, he forgot rent-day, — sometimes many rent-days in succes- sion. And wherever there was sorrow, his family first knocked at the door. What the town now heard of Mr. Pep- perton — in cautious whispers, of course — was that he took the bread of the or- phan, and, after the manner of Ahab, was just about to add a widow's land to his own great possessions. The rumor was so poisonous to whoever touched it that it crawled and wriggled from one, door to another, finding none to take it in. Still it lived and lurked and crawled. The widow who owned the Naboth's vineyard in question bore a close men- tal resemblance to one of our hens, who sat for weeks on a turnip, threw all the food away from her chickens in the vio- lence of her scratchings, and mothered a An Operetta in Profile. 123 three-months brood with that hysterical anxiety considered correct by every hen of fine sensibiHty. Some spiteful chance persuaded her that she needed our local attorney. Men, especially attorneys, are apt to rate their own services highly. Therefore he gave her for signature a deed that transferred her entire estate to him. Having, after the manner of her kind, signed the deed without reading it, she filled the air with weak wailings. The generous Pepperton blood came up at her appeal, and Mr. Pepperton headed an attempt to wrench from the attorney the widow's land. It was the election period. As a single energy in Nature develops things the most opposite, so there is a similar unity in daily life. You find the same faces in opposition on all the different lines of business, politics, theology, and society. The widow was 124 Ajt Operetta in Profile. warned and advised well nigh out of any sense she had. "• Mr. Pepperton simply wished to add her acres to his own. If she gave him, as was necessary, a power of attorney, she would be rob- bing and destroying her children and her- self" The widow swayed helplessly, this way and that. *' She was sure she could not tell what to think. Perhaps they were right ! She could not see herself why Mr. Pepperton and those fine people who never called on her were so inter- ested for her now." Scandal is the work- ing-beam of politics, and the attorney's political friends were as anxious about the Ahab and Naboth rumor as he could be. They watched it as if it was a beloved child between life and death. Only, who could handle it? "It is proved already that you are little better than false knaves, and it will go near to he thought so shortly," At this juncture Mary McGinnIs bought a new gown, — a green gown with a pattern in embroidery. It required much fitting and consideration, because it was intended to poison life for the upstairs girl and to bring the coachman to terms. During the trying on and putting off, Mary, who was waitress in an Upper End house, detailed to the mantua-maker how her master at din- ner had repeated the widow and orphan story, describing it as a wicked and evi- dent falsehood, and requiring his wife and daughters to stamp on it and crush 126 An Operetta in Profile. it out if it reared a head in their pres- ence. That afternoon, in the attorney's kitchen, the mantua-maker brought out the waitress's story, among other items from her budget. The attorney's wife heard, and her eyes flashed. '' My dear ! " she said to the attorney that night, *' there is no more honest, cau- tious, and soHd man in town ; he is one of the best citizens in the place. Since he told the story, give it on his authority y So indorsed, the story took air. Does any one doubt? I declare positively I am relating a fact. The story not only took air, it took the train. It was met in New York business circles; it trav- elled West; it even crossed the Atlan- tic. The local paper ached to publish it appropriately, but dared not. But bar- rooms and billiard-rooms were under no An Operetta in Profile. 127 such restraint. In vain the man who had talked to his wife in the privacy of his own dining-room protested, contra- dicted, and explained. People were now busy with the reasons that had brought this new David to covet the widow's ewe lamb. " He was embar- rassed; he had over-bought, over-built, extended his operations too widely." No one knew just how; but it sounded business like, and everybody repeated it in a knowing way. Had Mr. Pepper- ton been a weaker man, of fewer re- sources and less nerve, he would also have been a ruined man ; for there was some such rush on him and his opera- tions as on a suspected bank. It is a strange sensation for a just man to know that there are very many people who firmly believe, and will always believe, in some impossible guilt of his, so that an 128 An Operetta in Profile. angel out of Revelation could scarcely undeceive them. But it is, alas ! no rare experience. The scandal-mists wreathed and curled above the Pepperton roof- tree and many more besides. And now if it were not the mantua-maker who called the figures for this dreadful Ca ira dance, who did? And if the attor- ney's wife had not been denied all share in our Operetta, would that subtly se- lected Ace of Sponsorship have been thrown on the table? And if not, would the Pepperton credit have been so strained, and the Pepperton character been so cruelly smirched? All this transpired, as one might say, on parallel lines with the Operetta. No one analyzed the matter; there was a vague impression of a violent outbreak of scandal among us, as if the epidemic had been scarlatina or small-pox. " As An Operetta in Profile. 129 the north wind driveth away rain, so doth an angry countenance a backbiting tongue." But no such wholesome wind swept our air clean of germs of malice and suspicion, and silenced evil tongues. There was no loss of caste for the scan- dal-mongers. All our men and women who disapprove of scandal listened to it nevertheless. They always do. Who has ever escaped from " the scourge of the tongue " ? There was a warrior of old times who faced a giant and a Phi- listine army with undaunted composure, but who cried out in anguish *^ that he had heard the slander of many, and that fear was on every side." Indeed, I am learning to wonder at the anxieties and agonies about reputation ; for who, pray, possesses one that will pass cur- rent in all quarters, and what hold can there be on a thing that is blown about 9 130 An Operetta in Profile. by the breath of a mouth? And, O Fairy Godmother ! with such a storm in our horizon, why was there no warning, and never an umbrella of thy providing? Over what rough and stony ways art thou trundling our Pumpkin, and what strange and unwelcome passengers are we not to take on board? For myself personally, it was of course no season for glass slippers; the fairy prince needed rather a pair of scales to weigh out words and smiles to each of forty young women, each ready at shortest notice to pull somebody's hair. Still, there is a silent speech that is electric, subtle, and convincing, and nothing in that language came to me from the Por- trait: he only accepted me like the other peculiarities of the Operetta. But, as you may remember, in view of that possible closing of our domestic theatre, All Operetta in Profile. 131 I was setting traps, not for Cupid, but Hymen, — two very different deities. My fairy prince was hunting nothing; he was strictly indifferent. Let x repre- sent matrimony. Have you not often observed in such cases that if one party is Steadily Determined, and the other Lazily Indifferent, the equation is apt, give it time enough, to result like this : — S. D. = L. L + ,r? Precisely ! I placed my trust in the two P.'s, — Propinquity and Persistency, and postponed personal for public perplexities. These grew thicker and thicker in our way, as though they had a blossoming season, and we had lighted in the middle of it. And still no one turned a seeing eye on the Debatable Ground or the attorney's wife. 132 All Operetta in Profile, That lady had arrived at much popu- larity in her immediate neighborhood. It followed that ladies were constantly coming to her of mornings with bits of crochet and hemming and knitting, when she was not going to them with other bits of crochet and hemming and knit- ting; all solitary thinking and reflection being understood, in feminine circles, to be uncomfortable, and what is called lonesome. There are, of course, circles and circles. In some it is thought de- sirable to give off impressions from cer- tain books, and these are called '* ideas." And the going over of these books and their contents constitutes a literary con- versation or a literary person, — just as the naming of the tools in a chest would make a man a carpenter, and the hand- ling and cataloguing of models and marble would constitute him a sculptor. A7t operetta in Profile. 133 In the Debatable Circle the talk was not of books, but of the relative weight of babies and virtues of sewing-ma- chines, the only correct recipe for certain preserves and confections, and the one infallible method of dealing with that arch-enemy of the human race, that in- carnation of original sin, the servant- girl. This constitutes housewifery, as the talking of books, culture. And the identical feature in both circles is that necessity for an unceasing twittering and a constant rushing about; so that in the attorney's house the neighbors might be said to ebb and flow daily in a regular social tide. Consequently, the attorney's wife was among the first to discuss the impending cataclysm in the , Presbyterian Church, and to get the rudder-cords of that labor- ing bark well within her grasp. Conse- 134 -^^^ Operetta in Profile, quently again, unlikely as it seems, the Pumpkin was derailed, the Operetta overturned, and that scandalous Ace took all our tricks. '' I am for the house with the narrow gate, which I take to he too little for pomps to enter," As we have all read, the modern Pil- grims to the Heavenly City travel by express trains, escaping the difficulties of the Slough of Despond. Apolyon himself, who is generally conceded to have been much misunderstood, is the engine-driver, and there are many and constant improvements on this important route. For example, Giant Despair, a very civil, amiable old gentleman, is now the conductor. No pauses are made at the House Beautiful, where they are completely behind the times, and the Valley of Humiliation is avoided. 136 A 71 operetta in Profile. But stop-over tickets may be had for the magnificent parks of Pope and Pagan. The last particularly show trees of co- lossal size and fabulous age, boulevards of wonderful extent and beauty, and mountains crowned by a marvellous series of towers, ascended by spiral stairways said to have been hewn out by the Jinn in pre-historic times. Guide- books are on all the trains. There are Pullman-cars for the wealthier class, each provided with a Wall Street ticker, and in instant communication with every market in the world. There is a sliding Juggernaut judgment-seat for crushing one's neighbor ; also thimbles and yard- sticks, bearing different ecclesiastical stamps, for measuring the Universe and the designs of its Maker, — all of which is the more desirable, as the journey itself lacks interest. The road runs be- A 71 operetta in Profile. 137 tween walls of rock that tower on each side, shutting out the sunlight of heaven and all notion of the surrounding coun- try; and through the entire route the light is supplied by an ingenious inven- tion patented by Apolyon. Thus it fell out that a passenger on this train, who had increased greatly both in wealth and in consequence in the Presbyterian Church, tried by his gauge his pastor, plodding along on foot over the old route to the Heavenly City; and the pastor was found wanting. We of the other Church could of course count up the sins of our own rector on our fingers; but naturally we are not so well advised about Presbyterian infirmities. Apparently the wickedness was of that subtly spiritual kind that outwardly is of the most innpcent com- plexion. This shepherd of the other 138 An Operetta in Profile. flock had provided the children with a Christmas-tree on which glittered angels in spun glass. There were flowers on his reading-desk in church. And worst of all, he was the most popular man in town with the young men who had grown up around him. These young men thought that their best evenings were spent in their pastor's study, — plain and convincing proof of something wrong in the study. What was the peculiar gravity of these offences, I do not know. The answer is as difficult as why in the Marian persecution a bishop should have been burned for teaching a seal to come to his whistle, and for dining at table with his domestics. What is certain is, that this pastor found himself suddenly obliged to leave the church that had been his field for so many years, to the astonishment of An Operetta in Profile. 139 the majority of his congregation. This astonished majority resolved to " swarm " with their pastor and to build a new church. Doubtless you know what happened next. Leave a spider free, and she will spin a web ! Give a Churchwoman of any denomination her head, and she will evolute a fair. It is a strictly feminine development, like a woman's lunch of sugared violets and sweet champagne. Men understand neither the one nor the other, — and, for that matter, are only asked to pay for both. It was here that the attorney's wife began to steer the Presbyterian barge. ** By all means," said she. " We will have the fair and forestall the Operetta (or they will forestall us) ; it will be easy. I happen to know that they are rehears- ing without stopping for breath, because 140 A /I Operetta in Profile. it is impossible to give an Episcopalian entertainment in Lent. It must happen on one of the three last days of the week preceding. They cannot be ready for an earlier date. Therefore if we rent the hall and advertise our fair for those, three days and evenings — " She paused expressively. '' But what will they do then? " asked one of her hearers timidly. "Do? Do without!" and her eyes gleamed. '' Let them wait till after Lent." There you have it, — or rather we had it. This was the news awaiting our next rehearsal. " I call that — Well, on second thoughts, as these are ladies acting for a Church, we shall do better not to call it at all," said the Portrait, under the first sting of the news. At this up rose the three An Operetta in Profile. 141 Burglars (Presbyterian, you remember), as on one spring, and — resigned. ** I will get you three better ones whittled out to-morrow," said Mrs. Pepperton. But we looked blankly at each other. Were the Operetta a case of true love, all this would be in reason. But in a town wasting and eaten away with its own dulness, why did the very stars in their courses fight against us when we offered it something like amuse- ment? And we could have spared any- thing better than a man. A man that can use his legs and arms and voice in amateur theatricals is as hard to catch in such a town as ours, as — an air of distinction. And here were three men gone at one fell swoop ! It was possible to substitute women — strong-minded women asserting their rights, and also their superiority by their scientific 142 Alt Operetta in Profile. scheme of burglary. But however droll the dialogue, the scenic effect would be spoiled. It is the eye as well as the ear that the drama must convince. If you are to get in sympathy with an audi- ence, you are not to tell them a thing has happened, but to make it happen then and there, and let them literally take stock in its action. Feminine bur- glars would look inefficient and unreas- onable. At this juncture occurred the name of my Ideal Young Man, then vis- iting in town. He might be willing to take the vacant oar in our boat ; and to me as an acquaintance (acquaintance, indeed!) was intrusted a note of invita- tion for him. Then the great question of dates came up for consideration. The other Church had stolen our days, — at least the evenings of those days. We had not precisely bought those evenings ; An Operetta in Profile. 143 we had no pre-emption claim in them. In that great moral common outside of the Law and its limitations, it is not so easy to stake off one's claims. Yet one hardly expects to find Church members scudding away around corners with your ideas in that Artful-Dodger style. We were witty and bitter and crushing ; but there is nothing so stubborn as a fact. And, after all, the other denomination had pocketed our days; that could not be brushed away or rubbed out by the keenest sarcasm. To try to tide the Operetta over Lent, was virtually to abandon the affair. Everybody knows the deadly and death-dealing nature of things dramatic in amateur circles. Apparently there is something in the mere stir of anything theatrical that sets loose all the appropriate bacteria for killing off the grandmothers, uncles, and 144 ~ ^^^ Operetta in Profile. cousins of the dramatis personcE; send- ing the actors into mourning, and out of the play. Then the jealousies ! They alone would blow up the Operetta like so much dynamite, or eat it away like vitriol. From the very outset we had gone at once into a chronic condition of receiving resignations dictated by spite over night, and persuading the unre- signed resigners the next day to recon- sider. Then the bouquet, the sparkle, the aroma of the present morhent ! That would exhale, leaving the whole affair flat and tasteless. Hold the Operetta over Lent? Bind the dew fast on the lawn ! We accepted the impossible ! Let the Committee for the fair keep their stolen days ! (We insisted on styl- ing them ^' stolen.") These were the last three days of the week before Ash Wednesday. The Operetta should be An Operetta hi Profile, i45 given on Monday of that week, — this, although the fourth act was not yet in rehearsal, and although it embodied the most difficult conception of the Operetta ! 10 '* I could be bounded in a nutshell, and think myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams," And all this time the .note to my Ideal Young Man was twisted and re- twisted in my restless fingers. All sum- mer was in that name. The pale sand, the mighty opal arch of sky, the sharp hiss of the waves, the broad moors, silent but for the whistle of a blackbird here and there — why, I saw it all again ! And when one name holds so much, is it quite certain that its owner would sit comfortably in the Pumpkin with the — Portrait? Or rather, as the Portrait was quite unconscious of the role of fairy prince that I had assigned him, should An Operetta in Profile, 147 I sit comfortably in the Pumpkin be- tween my last summer and the pro- gramme for my future — theatre? One of our problems in vulgar frac- tions comes up each summer, and each year is more difficult of solution. There is a bit of the family-tree growing in Vermont, and the children are sent there for the summer vacation. If Mamma leaves town she goes there also. But it really does not matter so much in her case ; she is the balance-wheel, — important enough, but out of sight; nobody remembers her. And Papa — it would be absurd to think of Papa as going anywhere; he is the working- beam of — of everything. But I am the family Dial-plate, informing the world at large whether it is social high noon, or getting into the decline with us. Be- sides, how is a girl to meet — to know — 148 An Operetta in Profile. people, to find that younger theatrical manager, if she is rooted at home where are eight men who are as tired of her as she is of them? Is that brutal? It is true. Do you notice, Truth is brutal; and, in my opinion, with the brutality of a god, not a goddess, — she would never be so directly rude ; anything feminine could, would, should, must, sometimes insinuate. As it happened, last summer was a barren one; no invitations to visit any one till late in the season, and then at second hand. It was as a friend of a friend, to complete a party of six, that I was invited to visit an Arcadian family resident for the summer at Nantucket, or, more properly, at Siasconset Beach. Nantucket, as I dare say you know, is an island well out at sea, all its moors undulating in green waves, as though it A 71 operetta in Profile. 149 had just hardened out of the surround- ing sea. The town, clean, trim, sleepily satisfied, sits on its hill glittering in the sun. It looks on a harbor blue as vio- lets, shut in by long, low spits of tawny yellow sand, all of which makes a won- derful bit of coloring on a fair day. There are no finer complexions, better brains, or keener thinkers than are in- digenous to Nantucket. Pioneers of thought and some of God's most un- selfish saints and martyrs belong to her ; plain living and high thinking has always been her rule ; on her scale, brains rank first, religion gets in somewhere between, and money last. The dollar argument has not the same conviction in it as on the mainland, and there is a jungle and tangle all over the island of a stiff, sturdy American self-respecting inde- pendence, embarrassing now and then 150 All Operetta in Profile. to those who put their faith rather in money than in a common humanity. Between Nantucket and Siasconset are seven miles of moor — seven miles of vio- lets in May; of wild roses, honeysuc- kle, and sweet bay, later on. Siasconset itself is like an expression or a perfume ; it defies photograph, brush, or pen. It was built, they say, in the time of good neighbors, when, if a man announced, *' I want a house," his hearers replied, ** Then come ! Where shall we build it? " If one may judge from results, said hearers contributed not only labor, but any odd boards, gable-end of a house, remnant of a ship, or section of whale- boat, from their own door-yard ; build- ing them all in with entire impartiality. The houses are so low-pitched that one is all out of drawing beside them, and you get into relations with ridgepole and Alt Operetta in Profile. 151 chimney that at home would only be possible in a nightmare. They stand on broad, deep-rutted, grassy lanes, flavored with the salt breath of the sea, or the sweetness of bays from the moors, and showing through white shimmering mist or moonlight, as the case may be. And the moonlight is of such penetrat- ing splendor — because, no doubt, of the clear purity of the air — that you feel it like a thrill. The air itself is that of the middle Atlantic, touching you with the same urgent inspiration. On the sand there is the usual joyous seaside bustle and glitter, where the long rows of striped awnings make a gay picture. The streets, or roadways, or lanes, call them what you like, are a daily charade. Fine young men in tennis-suits go about in operatic manner with wheelbarrows and pails; and ''fetching" gowns, with 152 An Operetta in Profile. fair girls inside of them, are to be seen carrying plates and pitchers. The chic of " S'conset " is to be — primeval. It has not yet been vulgarized into a Rhine- pebble Newport, a regulation watering- place; and people whose breeding is manufactured by their milliners, and those who are on their promotion in society, fall ill at the station and go back on the next train. There are private cottages, and cottages to be rented, of various orders. But the real old blue of Siasconset life is to rent a fisher- man's cottage a century old ; add your Saratoga trunks at each end, to serve as library and extra sleeping-room, and experiment; set up housekeeping, and go back to the first principles of life. Perhaps, like myself, you have attributed all the pinches in the daily shoe to Mrs. Grundy ; but that dear old woman is not All Operetta in Profile. 153 left behind at Siasconset. She never is, anywhere. She is here skipping about in flannels and ounce-hats. And yet at Siasconset I began to dream — that oysters and clams would be less reserved, perhaps in another shape of shell; and that if a giraffe danced at all, he must certainly dance the Boston dip; and that it was the pressure of our houses (that is, of the way in which the architect sees fit to build them) and of our servants (that is, of their ideas as to what one must or must not have in a house) and of our neighbors (that is, of what they think best to buy and use), and not by any means we ourselves, who really dictate and decide about what we call our wants and necessities. Besides, I really have always supposed that what was grand, classic, noble, poetic, lovely, was perhaps not precisely to be bought. 154 -^^^ Operetta in Profile. but that such qualities required gold, carving, painting, statuary — a deliberate ajid well-trained luxury, in short ; as the peach needs the sun on the wall. I thought that plain, bare, and simple liv- ing was necessarily coarse, sordid, and full of discontent ; yet here at Siascon- set this very question was given me, with the rest of the Arcadian party, as a problem to solve experimentally. We were allowed no servants, — indeed there was no room for them. We were to face the most primitive conditions, and nothing was made easy for us, I am sure. I know as much of trigonometry as a cooking-stove; but that stove could never have been in its normal condition, — chronic dyspepsia alone could account for the singular performances of its oven. The pump was clearly a Knight of Labor, for it was always on the strike, and never Alt Operetta in Profile. 155 would be reconciled to us during our stay. Our young men (Harvard) split wood, made fires, brought water, pre- pared vegetables, went of errands, and — gave advice. We — made bread very bad or very good, got up omelettes light or leather like, dinners good or uneata- ble, as that tricksy Chance that presides over neophytes would have it. We washed pots, pans, cups, and saucers. We swept. It was an honest experi- ment; and apart from the novelty and amusement of this primeval picnic, it seems there is a certain pleasure in labor per se that is as much a part of it as the pink blossoms of an apple-tree. And certainly there was evolved from this life more wit, more ideas, more cleverness, than in all the correct conventional do- ings of the entire winter. I have always had in stock an ideal house-party that 156 All Operetta in Profile. should express itself chiefly in epigrams, be deep in the poets, dyed in the classics, keen only about theories, principles, and art, and without a sordid nerve in its whole make-up; and I found it in an unplastered house as we sat about a kitchen-table trying to eat with three- tined forks. It was not a consequence of steel forks and kitchen-tables, but surely it is a result of the never-ending emergencies that made one active in self-defence, and of the primitive life that offered the senses so little, forcing the spirit to supply beauty and decora- tion. A year of cotillons, yachting, coaching, and polo offered no such harvest. Here then was the cream of life. Without it of what worth are clothes, carriages, grandeurs of any sort? But it is necessary to take my conclusions An Operetta in Profile. 157 with a grain of salt ; for have I anywhere hinted to you that my Ideal Young Man is a son of the hostess of the Arcadian party, and assisted in the Arcadian ex- periment? There was always in my museum an Ideal, though, like Benedict, I had no intention of looking after it. " Brave he should be, or I 'd none of him ; true, or I 'd never cheapen him ; gentle, or I 'd never look on him ; of brains and good address, or come not near me; honorable, or not I for an angel ; energetic, and his hair might be of what color it pleased God." As it chanced, the hair was blond. For the rest — well, for the time being, for the rest I would have given bail. But I take it — one's Ideal is the morning star, pulsing and throbbing in a rosy dawn that shone never on sea or land. Con- clusions drawn in this doubtful light 158 An Operetta in Profile. from an enchanted summer are not to be trusted. What, after all, was the witchery of that time but the old pri- meval trick? An attraction of atoms, molecular shifting, and vibration; mat- ter once more fooling the subtle spirit in a gay masquerade of traits, proper- ties, and qualities. Just as the sea and the stars call, and such of your dust as once belonged to them answers ; as the warm breath of the pines on some clear height, or as low, close-nestling violets stirs, and that of you that once was as they, remembers and responds. Of such material is love, — the love of the poet and the romance. A glance, a dance, a sigh, a whisper, a thrill of the nerves, a bondage of the eyes, a subtle, sweet delirium, crying. Forever, and ex- haling like the dew on the moors. The love that endures, stronger than age, An Operetta in Profile. 159 death, or the grave, longer than life, firm as truth, tender as a mother, the sunlight of the soul, is the absolute faith of a woman in a man's honor, gen- tleness, and goodness proved towards her; the firm faith of a man in a woman's honor, candor, and devotion proved towards him; a sureness of al- liance and defence against the whole world; a sense of content and well- being found nowhere else. And all this found by the right man and the right woman ; for many excellent people are not at all excellent for each other. And its right name is friendship. Such things are ! Our debt to Julian Haw- thorne is not yet old for his portrait of such a perfect marriage in the life of his father and mother. We are all the richer and better of that history. Its springtime of happiness is in a manner i6o Ajt Operetta in Profile. ours, and we have a right to thank God for it. But such bhss is a true phoenix ; it comes once in a thousand years. How do I know, I, a girl? For what then are one's eyes and ears? There are all the decorous marriages of one's acquaintance ready for analysis, where there is no scandal, no outbreak, the married pair trudging on stolidly, but quietly enough ; the man as weak as the average, the woman as shallow as the average. Each has discerned the other, and is ignorant of self; he laughs in his sleeve at her shallowness, she smiles behind her fan at his weakness. And one of these is the stronger, and rules virtually or openly; that is to say, one possesses an almost absolute power over the other. Absolute power is not only vital with all manner of evil, but in its very essence is transformation ; A 71 operetta hi Profile. i6i so that the absolute husband or wife is actually a wholly different person from the man or woman you knew before marriage, and seldom a better one. If marriage makes a new heaven for the time, there is meanwhile a new earth in process of formation, waiting for the couple who are soon to be turned out of Paradise; and very strange beasts are to be found in this earth. What then is certain in matrimony? Money settled on the wife. And I was certain that my Ideal lacked money. Nothing could be prettier than this Ar- cadian experiment, or — more econom- ical. It was a clever way of stopping Mrs. Grundy's mouth and getting over the summer at a cheap rate. I knew nothing about the Arcadian family and their assets. As I told you, I was in- vited as a friend of a friend, and no one II 1 62 An Operetta in Profile, thought or spoke of money. Neverthe- less, I was privately convinced that our summer philosophy was a graceful economy; ergo, that my Ideal was poor. Yet oh, those clear mornings, life in the air, and gleam and flash on the waves ! Those silent afternoons with a sapphire sea and turquoise sky, hol- lows and spurs of the sand-hills, all sharply outlined in the pale light ! The twilight blushing in deepest rose almost to the zenith, and the still ocean parted in fire to let a round full moon into our upper air ! Those nights of Haroun Al Raschid, while we wandered in the white moonlight, guitar in hand, through the wide lanes salt with the sea and sweet with clover, cinnamon pinks, and bay! One's theories and worldly wis- dom may be at the finger-ends, but so An Operetta in Profile, 163 are one's sensations. How many better brains than mine have been mastered by a throb and a thrill and an ignis fatuus of romance ! To send the in- vitation intrusted to me by the Com- mittee to my Ideal Young Man, was simply to overturn the pumpkin, fairy godmother and all, — that is, to send it to his right address. But suppose it en route to the Dead-Letter Office, via^ say, Siasconset itself. (There is no winter post-office at Siasconset.) Vir- tuous, truthful, proper, high-minded reader, I know already how you must disapprove of me, and how from the very beginning I could have had no caste with you at all. And still it costs me a blush to say that is precisely what I did. I addressed the Committee's invitation to my Ideal Young Man at Siasconset Beach, and posted it. " First, a very excellent, good, conceited thing ; after, a wonderful sweet air, with remarkable rich words to it," Our Fourth Act opened on an empty stage, where entered the Portrait to a suggestive accompaniment of music. Mrs. Pepperton objected at once to the selection made. She said that Irish- wake music was undoubtedly very pretty, given in that measured time. For her part, she really thought Braham an ex- cellent composer, let people talk as they would ; much of his writing was worthy of Sullivan. But as we were acting in the interests of the Church, and the town was in such a scandalous humor, would it not be better to choose something more classical than Harrigan and Hart? An Operetta in Profile, 165 Lucy Pepperton grew scarlet. The Portrait suddenly vanished in the hall. The Committee, pilloried fast on sofas near the piano, were in a nervous agony. The " Irish-wake music " was Beet- hoven's, — an allegretto movement from Opus 14, chosen for a weird preci- sion of skip suitable to the Portrait's humor, which was troubled, as was evi- dent from his walk. Trouble on the stage always affects the legs; and so touched with gloom was the Portrait's stride that he very nearly ran against Madame Chiff-Chaff. " So abstracted ! " and the lady sur- veyed him coquettishly. " A penny for your thoughts, Mr. Washington." *' A penny is par value. My thoughts are below that," returned the Portrait, coolly. *' To the vulgar crowd perhaps, not to me, Mr. Washington." 1 66 An Operetta in Profile. Madame Chiff-Chafif drew a little closer. The Portrait eyed her appre- hensively; then, aside to the audience: " Gray hair in long braids," said he ; *'wide hat with roses; shoes half a size too small ! In a lady fifty-six years old, what might that mean? " Here she sighed. ** Coquettish too ! Let us take the next train, by all means," Then to Madame Chiff-Chafif: ** I was coming to find you, my dear madame, to say good-by." He stopped in consternation. Madame Chiff-Chaff had promptly fainted on the nearest sofa. "Awkward!" remarked the Portrait. " Still, while she is there she is harmless, and it will be wise to go at once." Suiting the action to the word, he is stealing out accordingly, when suddenly the fainting lady sits erect with flashing eyes. i An Operetta in Profile. 167 " Stop, sir ! My bill, if you please, sir, before you go ; my bill, Mr. Wash- ington, for board and tuition of twenty young ladies for one week at sixty dol- lars apiece. Twelve hundred dollars ! And had I known your real charac- ter and theirs before, I can only say the task would never have been un- dertaken at all." And she sailed out majestically. The Portrait fell limply into the near- est chair, and fumbling in his pocket, brought out, not twelve hundred dollars, but a dozen neatly folded little notes. He opened one and read aloud, — We have a half holiday this afternoon. Be sure and meet me near the statue of Lincoln. I have so much to tell you. And let nobody know. Ever yours, MOLLIE. 1 68 An Operetta in Profile. *' They all read like that," said the Portrait, looking with haggard eyes at the audience, " all the dozen ! Two of them have appointed the monu- ment as a rendezvous, three the boat- landing, two the Episcopal church, one the post-office, two the railway- station, and two the Picnic Grove ! Each charges me to tell no one else, and I have promised each girl to meet her! " Here a servant brought in three letters on a tray. He opened the first. A bill for twenty pairs of shoes at ten dollars a pair — for the Statues. The second — a bill for twenty hats at ten dollars a- piece — for the Statues. The third — a bill for forty boxes of Huyler's candy at two dollars apiece — for the Statues. And thirty dollars for a week's chewing- gum. ** Five hundred and ten dollars ! " Alt Operetta in Profile. 169 cried the Portrait wildly. "Excellent; better and better ! " At this juncture entered the Statues and Chiff-Chaff girls. All the Statues were hobbling on high-heeled shoes. Every girl sat down on one foot, or else stood with one leg shortened. Every girl was chewing gum, and all were talk- ing together and giggling violently. The Portrait looked at them critically, and suddenly threw up his hat. All the girls screamed at once. **What is that for?" " I have found a recipe for making my fortune, ladies; and I owe it to you. It came while thinking what charming wives you would make." All the girls together: "Oh, you funny man ! " " Five hundred and ninety," promptly returned the Portrait. I/O All Operetta in Profile. All the girls in full cry again : " Oh, you funny man ! Five hundred and ninety what? " ** The five hundred and ninetieth time in two days that I have been called a funny man ; I have kept account in my note-book." *' Oh, you funny — " But the Portrait had vanished. The senior Chiff-Chaff hesitated, looked slyly around her, and edged towards the door. *' Better not take the trouble," ob- served the girl next to her; *' it will be quite thrown away. He is engaged to walk with me this afternoon." The senior Chiff-Chafif whirled about. *' Don't tell falsehoods, miss ; he is going with me." *' I have his note in my pocket." '' So have I." Girl Number Three : " What absolute Aji Operetta in Profile. 171 nonsense ! He is to meet me at the church." '* You ! " (Girl Number Four.) '' He is to meet me there." '' I beg your pardon ! He meets me at the post-office this afternoon; I have his note" (Girl Number Five).