PS"?")! 
 
 -7>i 
 


 991 
 1 C8 
 py 1 
 
 
 c^i^'S^o 
 
 O' 
 
 iJOOPER'S WELLS, 
 
 A LMJirn.V IMIYSK'AU sMliHlTA UUIZZIC \J 
 ^^' l)F:Ll(;nTFt LLY lARlCAU 
 
 "vM» (any thing BLt) MnXKFtLLV SATIKllAL 
 
 I» o 
 
 ON THE MfWT \VOM>KRF» r, PRK^'T I^T KVKK W \S (OK W \S S\n ) 
 IJREAMED BY ANY \' HO\VK\KU UOMlERKL I.I.V 
 
 WIDE AUAKK; W . „- \\i IN KlIYME, 11 N«n m 
 
 OVERFLOW WITH REASON ; WKITTEN (A LONG WAV) AK 
 THE STYLE ANU^ATE OK vJIOTIfm CBEAl* ruK I - 
 
 
 ;A; 
 
 /^ 
 
 VISION OF JUDGMENT! 
 
 FOE SALE Hi .\i.i- iujoK5ELL; \ i. r j );>>\ im.i' wiiii 
 
 COPIES, a:<d to all ci: : others) who 
 
 ARE Fl'RM-HBD Willi »F.NSE— <jn:RY 
 
 \J 
 
 \ I 
 
 v\ 
 
 CEJSTS, TWKN'PY-VI \ K. 
 
 J*' 
 
 /*«■!«•.— IViiwr, peju*<^— thou inlk^ of nnthtiic. 
 .Wrrrnfio.— Trirf- ! ■-"- -' •'- 
 
 \N ' <»f an iillo hriiiii. 
 
 B« . ti i>hiiniA*y ; 
 
 W' .- an \\\c air 
 
 JACKSON, MISS.: 
 1M)BS()\ Ar mrKKY, B(X)K AND JOB PRINTKRS 
 
 1851. 
 
 •^^^^'Q^ 
 
 
 
COOPEE'S WELLS, 
 
 A LIGHTLY PHYSICAL, SIJCHTLY QUIZZICAI., 
 DELIGHTFULLY LYRICAL, 
 
 AUD (AIfY THIFG BUT) SPCTEFULLY SATIBICAL 
 
 WE 
 
 i>S THE .MOST WONDKRFUL DREAM TIFAT EVER WAS (OK WAS NOT) 
 
 PREAMED BY ANY WONDERFUL DIKAMER, HOWEVER WONDERFULLY 
 
 WIPE awake; WARRANTED SU I.N RHYME, IF NOT TO 
 
 «»VLRFIX)W WITH REASON ; . (A LONG WAY) AFTER 
 
 THB STYLE AHD DATE Oh ANOTHER GREAT POET's 
 
 VISION OF JUDCIVIENT! 
 
 FOR SALE BY ALL "BnOKSElAAi^ WHO ARE PROVIDED WITH 
 
 COPIES, AND TO ALL ClJi/tKs ToR OTHERs) WIU> 
 
 ARE FURNISHED \ E VSE^HJUERY 
 
 CENTS, TWFl^'TY-FIVE. 
 
 Rom*0.~Pe»n', p*^rp— thou t.iJki of nothing. 
 
 Mtreutio. — I i- of Dn-itiiai 
 
 ^ 'ttH rl>il>ireD nf nn idle br&in, 
 
 lu-w >i -M 11. ■• vain phantMy : 
 
 Which 1- a- ib«tanc«> as th«' »ir 
 
 And inorr it ibmii thf wind. — Shakspfjr' 
 
 JACKSON, MISS. : 
 DOBSON di DICKEY, BOOK AND JOB PRINTERS. 
 
 1851. 
 

 Entered in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for Ihc 
 Southern District of Mississippi. 
 
 
 
PREFACE 
 
 In otlerinf; the fuilowing 8tavoe to one who 
 <.'ooper ot the age— wo arc influenced cimply 
 
 -xquMto practical joke, r ' ' ' '■ 
 
 Ti tlic public-, AB a '■ cu;. 
 
 Sine*, the publ. ation.fom. 
 Moon, wlucb brttii^hl out m ;^ . . 
 busts ot Lunatics who put their laith ii 
 '^m; -d to lert tin- : / . ' cr 
 
 '• ■•■, :i, as liiis h.'i 
 
 The very austere may oc<ry liius rm 
 the propoui\dcr nioro than llic believ. 
 ihej< over lai<tuliOUi*, can find no tiiult ■ i; 
 
 has become the moi-t celebraf^d 
 
 by a wish to bo partakers in the 
 
 • idual haa foiMeil 
 
 . .■< dream.". 
 
 vtrai.rduiary du«coverie.>< in the 
 
 : of creduiiiy poabOK-<d by ilie 
 
 J has never tteenso largo a pill 
 
 u('w much >,'ullibiiity could gulp 
 
 H veracity the long cxpludc.i and Mend.i. .^ 
 
 •!«^- cuntemplof tlie Sati; - -- 
 
 [nTU-'od tU* tii«uc tii hut! 
 .nd !' 
 If: 
 
 ritlucnce of the other siiould warn ;h' 
 Mnrnc for irt-uinglus plea , 
 
 atm^ aiiiaoeijient, and bUme 
 
 far.L-iful Theorie.- — out even 
 
 'Miele minded parson. " who, 
 
 : le — lor had he 
 
 - ,- led, in proof of 
 
 h< rrago, which alternately raided 
 
 ' r\ as they 
 
 wais ago, 
 
 'RLAM OF Calhoun. 
 
 •. u»ion, when tlie counteracting 
 
 U, Mr Cooper is no more to 
 
 or« busuieeeit is to 
 
 are tor taking a bang at his bram's birdlin;' Tht man who invitpH you to take a 
 
 lco pipcf-tem.", 
 -lir were not bin 
 \ ou would not have wt in it, and it i? etji .illy true, bad you attended to all he 
 fitd. you would not have ■ ' -' 
 
 \\\> ha*e entire faith in iicmai qualities of tliis ^mous 
 
 A ell — /Art/ arr r< :i1ii;.s, aiui wanted uo oreatr.er ul dreams to add to their value, 
 
 .1 Wa? .1" in « <i!i -H .i-^ It 19 
 
 • To i^ld rvdoed Col(!. r paint ihe LiJy. *» 
 
 wo.ild alike indu. o i!.e belief that the neighborhood of the 
 ~. - ^..- : ; : diiriive of more tlia:i one Fountain of Health— and whilo 
 wo laugh at the dream, we jdmire the determination, which achieved ucch 
 I'tumphant rcFuit?. 
 
IV. PREFACE. 
 
 We have seen friends return from the Springs and Wells, which they had 
 >4ought complete invalids, looking lilce Dibden's Heroes — such remarkably "jolly 
 young Watermen" that we are convinced the one place is as much the Spring 
 OF Health — as to use a Cockney friends pronunciation, the other is the Well 
 
 of Con- WELL-ESSENCE ! 
 
 We think a liberal exchange of courtesy on the part of the Proprietors oJ 
 these respective places of health and amusement would benefit both. Let them 
 ^ive each others boarders the privilege of testing the qualities of the different 
 waters, and they would be amply repaid by the expenditure of the different 
 visitors. 
 
 In point of situation, shade and accommodation for boarders and families, the 
 Springs have the advantage. The reputation of the table established last year 
 by Mr. Thatcher, has lost nothing by its conduct under the present efficient 
 and gentlemanly lessees. 
 
 3fr. Williams can boast at the Wells, a more spacious Ball-room, and in 
 Gen. Mc!Vlackin,a more known ind experienced Caterer — ^it is therefore no 
 Rmall praise to say that the " best in the world" can be found at the Springs as 
 well as at the table over which the World's friend, the General presides. 
 
 in conclusion, we may as well make a clean breast of it, and own the fullest 
 extent of our " heresy : " We believe in no dreams, and may be considered 
 s-ceptical on other matters, much relied on by elder and better men — nothing 
 t'ould ever convince us that there was any truth in the Legend — tho' as well 
 aathonticated as most such marvela — that Saint Patrick swam across the Irish 
 Channel with his head in his mouth— therefore *the respectable elderly gentleman 
 who dreamed his head was a Barber's shop, and upon waking found he had 
 bunged up his eye knocking for admittance, must excuse if we retain the opinion 
 it is as far as truth can go, far as the Poles (North and South, not Barber's ones) 
 asunder. — t So the Hypocondrical ancient feminine, who dreamed her feet and 
 iegs were glass, and refused to get up for fear of breaking them, must also be 
 good enough to remember our infidelity, and bottle up the phials of her wrath 
 if we are impressed with the notion, ihat she had taken a couple of glasses too 
 much, the contents of which, as is very natural, when any thing is running in 
 one's head, cjwised the distempered vision of her sleep. — Nor can we ever put faith 
 in the assertion that because a gentleman dreamed he was an ox — he shonlct 
 become such an ass, as to wake up chewing his sheet instead of a cud, 
 
 *Hi8tory of Cooper's Well, page 15. +Do, page 15. 
 
COOPERS WELLS 
 
 A 7IS-0N. 
 
 Knuw ye the Springs of the Iciqied Mississippi, 
 
 Embowered 'mid trees of the -^teliest pine, 
 
 Wliere all wlio are nervous or l^n<ruid or hippy- 
 
 Condriacal rush to decline a '* lecline f" 
 
 Know ye the deep wells of suljAur and iron, 
 
 Wliich from alLsnrts of si(:kiu*4 will take out the shine. 
 
 AikI with mantle «»f health wiltteach patient environ. 
 
 Beating sarsaparilla and fameiuodine ? 
 
 Know ye the ball-room — resorl) of the graces, 
 
 Where swQetest patchouli/ exhiles its perfume, 
 
 And smiles bright <is angels enlighten the faces — 
 
 A Ilouri might envy their exquisite bloom ! 
 
 Where the Blonde and IJrunrtte in rich rivalry vie. 
 
 Where eyes like the night, or the morning's blue sk} , 
 
 Their beau-catching powers incessantly try ; 
 
 Where from bevies of belles you your fancy may suit. 
 
 And the voice of the spinster aunt never is mute ? 
 
 Where the tyro exhibits his prowess or faults, 
 
 1 n the break-down, the reel, the cotilion or waltz ; 
 
cooper's wells ; 
 
 Where ten pins are played, by maids who might take 
 '^ The hat from St. Kevan,"^ were kisses the stake ! 
 Where for year's past the beauty, the fashion and wealth 
 Of the Sonth have united for pleasure and health? 
 Ye know it ! I hear ye — jq know it full well ! 
 But for this then, my friends, the most wonderful Well, 
 Two miles from the' Springs, famed and beautiful site, 
 Had never been dreamed off by day or by night. 
 'Tis the w^ay of the world, let one w^ise man succeed. 
 And ten thousand fools follow, wliere he took the lead; 
 If Parr's pills promise life, the whole quaking fraternity 
 Soon get above pa}\ and ensure an eternity ; 
 The compound of Tow^nsend is laughed into scorn 
 By Bull, who exclaims — ^' irom me take a horn." 
 New virtues are svforn to ih powder and lead, 
 As the latest " inventors " kill all things m^ore dead. 
 We must stop these examples, or fill up a ream. 
 So from facts let us go to a fanciful dream. 
 But first, for the sake of the reader's repose, 
 Will omit to oblige 'em the good parson's prose ; 
 And having, in merey, determined to spare 'era, 
 We'll give 'em the metre of Hood's " Eugene Aram.'' 
 'Twont do in our brains, that has ne'er made a lodgment, 
 So, here goes for a slap at the " Vision of Judgment/' — 
 
 ^ 
 
A POKM. 
 
 1. 
 
 Mild Cooper snorccl upon his couch in state, 
 
 Ilis mind was peaceful, l)eing crammed chock full 
 
 Of his good deeds ; lie had been preaching mucli of late. 
 And deemed his sennons were a thought less dull 
 
 Than they had been for years — some seven or eight, 
 lie felt himself — a comfortable feeling — 
 
 At peace with this world's j-rople, short and tall men, 
 
 In line, to quote from him, * at peace with all men." 
 
 Thus did het^lee}), i<»rgctful .fall il1^ 
 
 Thatllesh is heir Uj in th:^ world of grief; 
 A quiet conscience?, like go I o^i inn pills, 
 
 GiveB to the over waket relief. 
 
 He lay "the world unborinLr,^y the world nnborcd,'* 
 
 At least we liope so, he alo^e can tell, 
 If silently he breathed, or loiilly snored, 
 
 During his wondrous droam about the AVell. 
 
 Ft matters little — Parson Cooper slept. 
 
 As many worthy nien have slept before. 
 With less propriety, it should be kept 
 
 In mind, king Soloman, a mighty king (jf y(»n^ 
 Declared for all things, fitting time and ])lace 
 
 ]L\d been appointed ; and I know a score 
 Of goodly churchmen, who to their disgrace 
 
 Keej) napping till the longest sermon's o'er. 
 
COOPER^S WELLS : 
 
 4. 
 
 Thus peaceful stretched in comfortable eai&e, 
 
 Insured, in thought, from murder, rapine, arson, 
 Eesigned alike to Somnus and the fleas 
 
 Lay the recumbent " single minded parson," 
 When all at once a vision stood before him. 
 
 Who ne'er Lord Chesterfield's good manners read ; 
 And quite regardless of all due decorum, 
 
 Touching his private hy^smess bluntly said — 
 
 ) 
 
 1 
 
 '' Cooper" — there's manners — had he no wife or sister;^ 
 
 Mother or grandmother tQ teach him better, 
 Could'nthe have prefixed it with a "Mister," 
 
 As in a playhouse bill, ii i>ote or letter. 
 All superscriptions run — how could he dare, 
 
 (It makes me mad to think on't, I declare) 
 Unless his purposes were vile and sinister, 
 
 Rob of his christian name a sleeping minis-ten 
 
 " Cooper," quoth he of the familiar face^ 
 
 And manners made to match — '' Cooper, a spell 
 Ago, somewhere around this place^ 
 
 You set about a digging out a well ; 
 Go on — 'tis all important you should do it. 
 
 And if you don't, old boy, you're bound to rue it ; 
 Eesume your work for much on it depends. 
 
 And place me in the list of absent friends." 
 
A POEM. 
 
 He vanished without sign of fire or smoke ; 
 
 The parson rubbed his eyes, and scratched his head. 
 During whicli process, slowly he awoke, 
 
 And turned him round upon his good shuck bed. 
 Still more perplexed he felt him every minute ; 
 
 Still more and more aspailed his caput's thatch ; 
 'nil, like his dream, he said, " there's something in it, 
 
 And not in vain hath been this vicrorous scratch.'* 
 
 *• This dream hereafter may btf theme to crack about, 
 
 (And here he jdaced his thiunb nails close together) 
 Now ministerial duties mu-t I ])ack about, 
 
 (Thank fortmie, that vih- i meet's dead as leather) 
 That dream's a dream, but wliat can I make oft* it, 
 
 ^V' hence the eft'ects j^rocei'ding from this cause — 
 Twas Balaam's Ass alone forgot the pmpliet, 
 
 " I deem twin-born with sacerdotal laws.*' 
 
 Tlie vision passed — all visions do, 'tis plain — 
 l»ut stern realities remained behind ; 
 
 The Springs still grew in favor, worldly gain 
 Was showered on them by that goddess blind, 
 
 Who opes at will great Pluto's golden ]>ortal. 
 
 To glad the heart of each expectant mortal, 
 And parson Cooper, longing for the beam 
 Of her bright smile, again began to dream. 
 
10 cooper's wells ; 
 
 10. 
 
 Aiid liere, kind reader, with your approbation, 
 (Without it I am like a luckless boat, 
 
 Damaged beyond stll hope of reparation. 
 Rendered unfit ever again to float 
 
 On public favor's tide) a dissertation 
 
 Will I meekly venture, touching the hosts 
 Of wild opinions, all concerning ghosts. 
 
 And dreams advanced by their defenders. 
 
 From Joseph's visions, to the witch called Endor ; 
 
 11. 
 
 First, as the learned Doctor Johnson said, 
 
 '' Sir, to deny belief I'm all unwilling. 
 Look on this superscriptioii-xthis the head 
 
 And this the tail of a most legal shilling ; 
 Sir, had this coin, of twelve-pence value neat, 
 
 Never been issued, plain as spade's a spade. 
 Tliat base and worthless pewter counterfeit, 
 
 Bv coiner vile would never have been made." 
 
 12. 
 
 So far so good, we will not be ]3rofuse, 
 
 ^OY seek to crowd example on example ; 
 We '11 take for our immediate present use 
 
 The illustrative Doctor's ]3ic[uant samjDle, 
 And softly whisper in our public's ear, 
 
 (Long may we bask beneath its sunny beams) 
 We think had not the beal /Springs been' near 
 
 And doing well^ Coojper had dreamed no dreams. 
 
A POEM. 
 
 11 
 
 l>iit aj? it wa^, each duUar tliat was paid 
 
 To tliose who owned tlio Mississippi water, 
 In spirit maybe to the i)ar>on said, 
 
 '• AVe're not lor vou, but don't von think we orUr. 
 And acting as did raw puk on Fnseli, 
 AVlien paintini,' liorroi-s, 'twas the only meal lie 
 Made— kei'p willy niily, j* >tering nngentcely 
 Jlis ]>oor brains, until witli ^^Eiatcr zeal he 
 
 \\, 
 
 As inward t<» wcahn > j- it him bL'ckone<I. 
 
 Like Kn<k*riir<->, go » > ' ;:: i bleep, 
 1 )uvotinj: all Ids ener- In :nii thu second ; 
 
 (^n strength of this < i.' to keep 
 
 A fiecond digger constantly (^ipiuyed. 
 
 bfearching for futin\i r.' . i j^resent ones destroyed 
 
 The bov's exert iuns, wliic |»e> had bunyc(: 
 
 An«l still dccrca.-ing fii . ^i*- >"ul unn'-yed. 
 
 Thus matters stoo<l for some tro months^ or better. 
 
 1 )in-ing which time the nameless spirit came, 
 Always repeating, to tlie very letter. 
 
 His strong injunctions t" resume the game. 
 And hope f«'rmore good luck, nor q\\ pccea''*^ 
 
 Like one who's fleeced by some 'cute thimble-rigger ; 
 And thinking on the goo<l advice it gave, he 
 
 (Cooj>er) emi)loyed a third must able digger. 
 
12 coopee's wells : 
 
 16. 
 
 He, as the otlier, biirrowed like a mole 
 
 Some thirty feet still deeper from the surface ; 
 Then losing patience, swore upon his soul 
 
 If that sleep prophet would show his or her face, 
 (Not knowing w^ell the gender of a vision) 
 
 He'd demonstrate, with scholarly precision, 
 Where there's no water, surely 'tis a rule, 
 
 That he who seeks a well must be a fool. 
 
 One long year passed over the j)arson's two — 
 
 Ears ever 0})en to consoling grace — 
 Then he once more was thrown into a stew. 
 
 In dreams again that same familar face 
 Appeared ; the parson knew it, but he could not tell. 
 
 Whether with airs from Heaven, or blasts from Hell 
 It was endow^ed, one thing is certain, (p'raps) the "iigger" 
 
 Told him to go and hire the fourth digger. 
 
 18. - ^ 
 
 Here we'll digress again, the parson's doubt 
 
 As to the place from wlience the vision hailed. 
 Seems full of wisdom — no one but a lout 
 
 Could fancy from the ether blue he sailed, 
 To start as 'twere a heavenly doctor's shop 
 
 Of water, which a vulgar housemaid's mop 
 Would scorn to use, nor is it over civil 
 
 To think his reverence friend came from the devil. 
 
A POEM. I- 
 
 UK 
 
 Mill, there are ]»r<)*s and cou'?^ wull worth discus&iun, 
 
 Involved in this same vision's dream-like mystery : 
 Much should we like to have, in scented Itussian 
 
 Leather, well-bound, his private history, 
 I'nit that's impossible, so let's endeavor. 
 
 To sift the evidence ourselves, and see 
 If in the upper regions he was ever, 
 
 < )r came " from depth, where deeper dei>tli may b' 
 
 20. 
 
 Jinpriinis — If from above he came, why then 
 
 A ten-pin alley is a g'dly place, 
 The bar a place where <^j 'ritn'if men 
 
 Imbi])e with juleps, wh-jlfeuine drauglits of grace ; 
 A ball-room, reftofcant*- denunciations, 
 
 A scene of innocent ui; usements, where 
 Despite all humbug par^'>n*8 t-xecrations, 
 
 V^irtue and pleasui-e have an e<]ual share. 
 
 21. 
 
 The mystic dance, tripjxjd lightly by young feet ; 
 
 The joyful ])cating of each bounding heart ; 
 'J'lie thrill of ecstacy, when loved hands meet 
 
 With gentle clasp, proof that the boy -god's dart 
 Hath done its subtle work, the ripening blush 
 That speaks the swelling blood's tumultous rusli, 
 The rapture felt when true love is professed ; 
 If he from Ileaven came, by heaven are blest ! 
 
14 coopek's wells ; 
 
 But if, as ageiit from the realms below, 
 
 He rose to visit this sad world of woe, 
 Is it to be supposed, that he who Madam 
 Eve did seduce into beguiling Adam, 
 (Don''t he deserve an everlasting whippin' 
 For stuffiing earth's grandmother with that pippin) 
 Would tell a parson of a A^^ell — oh, no ! vae tJiinh 
 MeM keep the sulpher for his^r/'/tv/fg drink. 
 
 How to leave Heaven and 'tother place at rest, 
 
 AV^e think we know the cause of that same dream — ■ 
 Mind w^e're not sure, for we have only guessed 
 
 From certain documents which w^e have seen, 
 These were those antidotes for himian ills, 
 Bj landlords known as well paid weekly bills 
 For boarders at the Springs, so without further gam^mon, 
 The vision was a messenger from Mammon ! 
 
 '■;' 2T 
 
 "W^e'rs getting prosy like the revered Parson, 
 
 And as we hate all tedious imitation, 
 No more like him we'll carry the same farce on, 
 
 ISTor tax for fables, bored imagination ; 
 The Well was found by digger number four. 
 
 Sweet recompense for toil, the reader thinks, 
 Down went the spade, tlie digger dug no more, 
 
 But roared, '- Oh Scissors, hcv/ the v/ater stinks !" 
 
A POEM. 1/^ 
 
 25 
 
 ^*»StinkR, " quotli good Cooper, peering to the bottom, 
 
 " Like all creation, " cried the digger tiurried, 
 " As it' tentlmusand Polecats, goodness mt 'cm, 
 
 Ijeneath tlie surface lia<I tor vcars l)een buried C 
 The pai*8on fctill gazed downward with delight, 
 In whispering accents he exclaimed ^^ all's right, *' 
 For in the deep abyss — else dark as night. 
 The visi<jn of a Dollak nat his gladdened sight. 
 
 H(> much for the wonderful dreams they tell, 
 Wliicli caused the tindin^ of Cooper's AVell ; 
 
 But if any man wishes to v in a hat. 
 Or a pair of boots, he caii do it pat 
 
 If he'll put up a V, and uiHlertake 
 To disprove the assertion \^ hereby make : 
 
 When he dream])'t that drtauk Jind no mistake, 
 
 Parson C. was amazi-V(;ly * ▼ide awaki:.'' 
 
 And sis we have dnne with the dreams (all a fable,) 
 We'll come to the facts — a magnificent table. 
 
 U'er which Gen'l. ^fac. hath his banner unfurled, 
 Is always supplied with '' the best in the world :'' 
 
 THE C;i:.\EItAl.'S I>VITATIO-\. 
 
 '• Here's A No. 1, a maghiticent fish, 
 A Mackerel — pronounced a superlative dish, 
 And oh, the roast beef — ain't the visitors lucky I 
 Ob, the roast beef, the roast beef from Kentucky ' 
 
10 GEN. m'mAKIN^S invitation. 
 
 Here's lamb, and spring chickens, and infantine geese.^ 
 
 Asparagus, articliokes, lovely green pease, 
 
 Can lobsters, young salads, and gratias domine^ 
 
 A splendiferous dish of magnificent hominy ; 
 
 Here's mutton, I'm sure, to look at is a treat, 
 
 And of pork, the whole hog, from his head to his feet ; 
 
 Here's sausage, and turkey, the haunch of a buck 
 
 And canvass back ham, and a muscovy duck. 
 
 Here's apples, and oranges, and pine cut in slices. 
 
 Almonds and raisins, vanilla cream ices. 
 
 And puddings from famed Carolina's choice 7'ices ; 
 
 Here's biscuit and seed cake, and crackers and rusk, 
 
 Melons, called cantelope, nutmeg and musk, 
 
 8end up your plates ! from what shall it be ? 
 
 Baughnaugh claughbaugli, hot coffee, black or green tea» 
 
 Here's cold slmujli and radishes, rich sour Tcraut^ 
 
 Mere's stake fried with onions, and stake broiled withoot. 
 
 And as charming a shoat as a tail ever curled, 
 
 All A No. 1, and the best in the world." 
 
 In short, at this table but aj;Le thing can vex 'ee, 
 And that is the dread of that plague aj>^ojplex ^y. 
 
 <_ 
 
THE VISITORS 
 
 PA'S. 
 
 Elderly men in vuluiniiious liat<, 
 
 With or withujit milk-white cravats ; 
 
 With half bald heads or grizzly lockh', 
 
 And jxxikets well lined with hai'd earned rucks ; 
 
 Human j)elicans doomed in bleed, 
 
 'J'hat their voinig may on Fashion's banquet feed; 
 
 Fuming and fussing night a-idday, 
 
 Wondering who the devil can j.ay 
 
 Those monstrous bills, that are^woekly given 
 
 To mount the milliunarc nearer Heaven : 
 
 The only jdaee where tlie entrance door 
 
 Js closed tu tlic rich and sc<.t free to the i)o<jr. 
 
 yiA'^, 
 
 Kxtensive ladies, replete witii ton^nie, 
 
 stricken m years, but in fashions young ; 
 
 '' Nobody thinks Jane Anne their daughter, 
 
 In short, 'tis believed, while drinking the water, 
 
 By :\lr. Smith, and all other Misters, 
 
 \Stead of mother and child they are twin-b(,rn sisters ;'' 
 
 Frisking al»nut at every call. 
 
 From ten-pin alley to fancy l)all, 
 
 Ever with schemes and stratagems rife 
 
 To get their darlings *^ settled for life.'' 
 
18 THE VISITORS. 
 
 tjnci.es. 
 
 Judges of juleps and iced champaigne, 
 
 Fond of a bet, " and good at a game ;" 
 
 'Not over young, and not over old, 
 
 Harnessed with levers and chains of gold, 
 
 Up to a " cue" and the " little joker," 
 
 " Some" at brewing a punch, and " some" at poker, 
 
 Who have studied from life, 'stead of bookmen's shelves. 
 
 And learned all thej know, "to take care for themselves." 
 
 AUNTSe 
 
 Maidens, of course, of an uncertain age, 
 
 1^0 longer " engaging" with hopes to engage 
 
 The sterling love of some sensible fellow, 
 
 Who would choose his wife like his peaches — mellow ; 
 
 Judges of rouge, and of every " Eau," 
 
 From "Eau de Cologne," sold by famed " Gureaud ;" 
 
 Compounds of whalebone, laces and silk, 
 
 Finished off with chalk, like Kew York milk. 
 
 GUARDIANS. 
 
 Far better off than a genuine " Pa^" 
 Because he has nothing to fear from ^' Ma," 
 But rules the roast with his lordly say^ 
 While his rich ward's funds the piper pay ; 
 He lives, as he should, on the fat of the land. 
 And spendeth thei?- cash with a liberal hand. 
 Oh ! no better berth would I sigh for, I weeHj 
 Thau a wealthy heiress or heir's guardeen. 
 
 v# 
 
THK VISITORS . 19 
 
 SONS. 
 
 Some of them men, and some of them boys, 
 
 Some betwixt and between, called hobby-dy-hoys ; 
 
 The former the height of fashion, of course, 
 
 Who have seen Jenny Lind, and can all " talk horse ;** 
 
 Tlie next tou big fur the second table. 
 
 Just cut from their motlK-r's aj>rnns' cable ; 
 
 For the rest, it may be well aiid truly said, 
 
 " They are excellent boys, when asleep in bed/* 
 
 DAI (;HTEK^4. 
 
 Spirits of loveliness — gem< of perfection ! 
 
 Well worth a bachelor's cluseBt inspection ; 
 
 Angels in gauze, French satin nr lutestring. 
 
 Who's praises shouhl near leave Apollo a mute-strino- ; 
 
 Possessors of virtues, to cuuij by the million, 
 
 Magnificent dancers of waltz fer ct^tilion ; 
 
 llie pride of their fathers, their beaux and their mothers, 
 
 A7/ ultrds to nil im.h — excepting their brothers. 
 
 ACQl AI>TANrE.S. 
 
 Folks trom Now York, oi lerritic gentility. 
 
 Scions of all the famed ccd-fish nobility ; 
 
 Farmers of note from faiiiod Gcnessee ; 
 
 Brokers and plantei-s of rich Tennessee ; 
 
 Horse jockeys and dentists in scores from the " South,'' 
 
 Both learned in different descriptions of mouth ; 
 
 Doctors, lawyers, and clerks by the dozen ; 
 
 And from everywhere, every ones green country cousin. 
 
20 THE VISITORS. 
 
 STRANGERS. 
 
 Slaves to dyspepsia, or liver, or bile, 
 
 From Germany, Holland, or Britain's green isle, 
 
 Captains from Cuba, (but minus commission. 
 
 Because Uncle Sam refused his permission) ; 
 
 Sliarp men and soft men, and precious Tom Noddies, 
 
 Somebodys somewhere, and elsewhere nobodies ; 
 
 Folks made by dozens in cities or towns, 
 
 One half Mr. Smiths, 'tother half Mr. Browns. 
 
 FRIENDS. 
 
 A bevy of " humans," with holiday faces. 
 
 The common live stock of these beautiful places ; 
 
 Always ready to lunch, to liquor, or dine 
 
 With any new comer — good' judges of wine ; 
 
 Who have found out the secret this many a day. 
 
 That has the best flavor for which other's pay ; 
 
 Financiers unequalled — that fact is most clear, 
 
 For they live well on "something" like "nothing a year." 
 
 OAMBLERS. 
 
 Good looking fellows, with highly oiled hair. 
 
 And a manner best known as the " devil-may-care," ^ 
 
 With diamond brooches as big as a dollar, 
 
 Most wonderful stocks, and a stiff stand-up collar ; 
 
 Beady to take up a fortunate " speck." 
 
 And ring in a " flush," a " full," or " cold deck ;" 
 
 Who oft ask the questions, to thousands who rue it — 
 
 " I think I'll see that, sir,"—" On wliat do you do it T^ 
 
 Having summed up the beauty, the fashion and wealth, 
 We now will prescribe for each vistor's health : 
 
 
PRESCHIPTIONS. 
 
 \o. l.-For PA'S. 
 
 ^ ou'll iiji(] the water jireciuus doctor's stuff*, 
 
 So mix it with Kri-uch cc»«,niaic, " quantum suff f 
 
 Fear not your jacket's apoj.lectic ills — 
 
 'J'liey'Il weekly l)lee(l you with their weekly hills, 
 
 To fortify your wallet tor tlnse shocks, 
 
 Keep ever ready a full cai^c ..fnx-ks — 
 
 Jionor tlicir tlnntfjhu — hecnme a true heliever 
 
 'iliey'll <|uic kly cure you ol • yo/^/^jy ydloio fever. ^^ 
 
 !No. 2. -I or :IIA»S, 
 
 ^5olne scruples of j)rucK-iirr, . um_- us tve water, 
 AVhik' ket']»iii«r a guard on v-air Wautilul daudtter 
 
 And a largo lot ol ire to frei/o and keep cool 
 The unwelcome address of eackdollarlcBs fool ; 
 A i>hial of hints, to let drop wifli great care, 
 To cement close the love of a hlessed nullii.naire, 
 (.'oncocted of Anna Matilda's perfections, 
 Mixed up Willi deep ra]»tun *> reliiK-d iutcrjections. 
 
 Twelve fehirts, to be taken at least two a day, 
 
 A collection of vests, grave colored and gay ; 
 
 Tlic M ater — of course, by your doctor's advice, 
 
 Diluted with brandy— medicated with ice; 
 
 If under the treatment, now known as " herbacious," 
 
 Infuse it with mint in a tuiul.ler capacious. 
 
 Take care of yourself, and your purse don't get broke, or 
 
 Much Med by a " cut," or hard liit from " poker." 
 
 
22 PEESCRIPTIOXS. 
 
 No. 4.-For AUNTS. 
 
 The water, of course, from the Wells — cocoa dippers— 
 To be taken each morn, in sun bonnet and slippers 
 All nicely embroidered, becoming a belle, as 
 Those fairy affairs of the fair Cinderellas ; 
 At dinner yom' health more attention deserves, 
 Blonde lace and barege are first rate for the nerves ; 
 In the ball room, book muslin, a bouquet and salts, 
 If " exhibited" well, may result in a waltz. 
 
 No. 5.-For GUARDIANS. 
 
 If you, like the name of the place, would be '' Well,-' 
 From all cares of this worjd relax for a " spell ;" 
 You're of age, so of " iirdent," or first vintage wine, 
 Take quantum ^ii^-iced ^'tenever j6 dine ; 
 If nervous or hipped, try porter or ale, 
 The best " Loudon Stout,f or the " East India pale ;" 
 Should a headache arise from this life a-lormode^ a 
 Prescription for that's aqua pued et soda. 
 
 No. 6,— For SONS. 
 
 Maccassar, six bottles, for whiskers and head, 
 With dye to convert a deep black a deep red ; 
 Canes, such as are used by each dashing buck, 
 Tipt with " ivory leg" of a lady to suck 
 (From this general practice, sure nothing beneath 
 The sun, can afford such relief to the teeth) ; 
 Avoid strong flirtations — remember the sentence — 
 " Go speak to Papa," is oft fraught w^ith repentance. 
 
 ^ 
 
PRESCKII'-nONS. 2n 
 
 .%©. 7-ror DAI GIITJLRS. 
 
 Take of fa.slii«)us — all Gody's Plates — newly arrived, 
 And make up a ^^etofthe latest contrived, 
 For morning, for noon, fur dinner and ball, 
 Just double what '• Pa" thinks sufficient for all ; 
 Let your sweet bonnets be the Parisenne's last loves, 
 And thrice daily repeat your dear lemon kid gloves; 
 Make the best <»f Life's Sj)riii::', for remember its Fall, 
 Will sure rule yuu out as tlu- l)ellc of the hall. 
 
 .No. 8-For ACQI AI.\TAM'E8 A\D FICIOD.S. 
 
 Remember, you all live up«>! your '• shape," 
 Therefore the mannei*s of tlh rich man ape; 
 Avoid all intercourse withleilMWi needy — 
 Cut your own father if his c< at i^ -eedy ; 
 Be proud in poor Vogues, as the ling infenial, 
 And make yourself— a General m a Colonel ; 
 Toady all those w^ho dinners freCy give, 
 For he who lives to please, niust.please to live. 
 
 .\o. Jl.-CiA.iIBLtKS. 
 
 Take O.D. V. (^nottoo much) when you choose. 
 
 And take with greater cuutiou I. (). U's ; 
 
 A broken bone, a luckless u retch bemoans. 
 
 But mind you don't get broken by your '' lx»nes." 
 
 Avoid all credit, uEiit't cAfcii, it is clear, 
 
 Should be the answer to the ]»ank's ca'^hiek ; 
 
 Tliobc who, to pay their way arc all unable, 
 
 Are plagues-as great to vjiif*? at frogs to Phakoah's 
 
 TABLE. 
 
24 APPENDIX. 
 
 If you with fever's burn, or ague sliake in. 
 When taking in the waters, mind you take in 
 As much as Doctor Sam ]3rescribes, remember^ 
 '* Gentlemen, drink freely, for September 
 Soon must come, and then will end 
 Your pumj)-like SivocsitioB.s—Caution'isLS, a friend) 
 You are a stranger—'tis a good man's duty 
 To take you in—so mind yourself my beauty." 
 
 Note — "The Hat krom St. Keevan."— The above ornament of the Calender wa« 
 of Irish origin, and so devoted to his devoUons, that he deemed it unfair to the faith he 
 professed, to profess any faith for the fair. A beautiful damsel, enamored of his saint- 
 ehip (as far as coldness goes, he was emphatically an-ice saint for a small lea party) well, 
 this damsel followed the object who so much objected to her affections, and with a fa-, 
 cility of locomotion peculiar, we presume, to the Irish, according to old chronicles, mado 
 her way to the inaccessible summit of an impassible mountain, to which the Saint had 
 fled to avoid her. One would think this proof of the height her passion had reached, 
 might have softened the Saint's heart; bnt, on the contrary, having made up his mind 
 to take a place where he thought " no followers" would be allowed, he requited her 
 passion, by showing his in a fit, whereof be hurled her into a clear lake, beneath the 
 premises, where he committed so base an action — amounting, now-a-days, to a capital 
 oflFence on the capital. All this may be very fine and respectable, and much to be lauded 
 conduct in a Saint, but, in our private opinion, such a proceeding, by any single gentle- 
 man of the present day, would render him far from popular. 
 
 We add the following to the list of veracious and remarkable Dreams, furnished in 
 the " History of Cooper's Well : 
 
 A certain young gentleman dreamed he was a green gooseberry, and, singular to 
 relate, the very next day the lady he was engaged to, made a fool of him, and married 
 his rival. 
 
 One of the visitors at the Wells dreamed he was a pump, and on receiving his bill 
 the next day, found one of his newly made friends was his sucker, as he had all hi^ 
 drinks charged to his account. 
 
 Another young gentleman dreamed that a foreign Count, to whom he was introduced 
 at this celebrated watering-place, was transmogrified into his washerwoman, and, in 
 confirmation of the vision, he was regularly cleaned out, at poker, by the same indivi- 
 dual, within twenty-four hours. 
 
 Another dreamed that a '• Gent." from N. 0. had been created President, ViQe-Presi- 
 dent, Secretary of State and Treasurer, and the next evening while playing with him at 
 whist, observed he never held less than four honors, which accounted for his writing 
 home for more funds. 
 
 Another, who had lent his gold w-atch, chain and key to a '• friend,'' dreamed that the 
 man he loaned it to turned himself into a pocket pi3tol, and requested him to charg-- 
 him v/ith the establishment; the very same day" the gentleman discharged himself 
 -with the property, and, singular to relate, has not been s .eu jince. 
 
^ 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 1 
 
 015 861 876 A W) 
 
 HoUinger Corp. 
 pH 8.5