-e. .^*'' -^Va'. V..-^* /^^'v "^^..^^ 'i<\^^ ^oV^ x^^^ o V O N O .^ .o O. •'..■.•V^0 • ^^ ^^'^ ^if^ -V» - • • s s • • '> ^^ s • • POEMS OF L. M. STANLEY, DAMASCUS, OHIO. THE R. M. SCRANTON PRINTING CO. ALLIANCE, OHKi. 1900. TWO copies RECEIVED. Library of Cc^gpofi, Register of Copyrl£:hts. 54249 Copyrighted 1899, by R. M. Sckanton. SECOND COPt, TO MY WIFE AND CHILDREN. Whose Loving Counsel Inspired Me to my Flights of Fancy and Cheered Me on the Way, 1 DEDICATE THIS VOLUME. INTRODUCTION. A waif is started adrift today — A timid waif in a heartless throng — To run the course where the critics lay In wait for the crushing of each song. Oh! woman, wife, thou hast told me'oft Oh children blest you were good to me, And bade me rise and look aloft From the things below that burdened me, To heed not scowls of a frowning foe Whose darkened counsel each word attend8» But up, and up, to the sunliglit go, To live in the smiles of loving friends, And so this waif —an unfinished lay From tlie old farm home, is set ago The pilot Hope at the wheel today To keep adrift from a heartless foe. CONTENTS. AConfession 184 A Dry Summer 31 A Dilemma 66 A Dilemma 67 A Farmers' Institoot 90 A "Hayseeds" Lament 124 AHeartSong of Today 152 A Health 61 A Holiday Romanzo 93 A Legend 140 A Mournful Ballad 136 A Rhapsody 262 A Ride Into The Country. 174 A Phantom 216 A Pilgrim's Monody 182 A Picture from a Picture 121 A Summer Nood Time on the Farm at Damascus.... Ill A Wandering Revery 83 Abijah Searceoffat 79 An Alaskan's Lament 185 An Eastern Sonata 63 An Episode, 161 An October Sabbath 199 Apia 14S Are Open Again 149 At Quaker Mectin' 75 Betrayed 15f) Bob luiJersol 12 Coiiiiiij? HoniH Again 50 Col. A. J.. HawkiiH 1% Day Dreams 234 DainascMs Meeting— Then and Now 259 De (Jradiihite 39 De Plantin* ob de Pole 130 Deatli of an (Md Citizen 146 Dissatisfied 19 Dick Click 24 Fame 48 Fish Wurnis 3b Forsaken 195 From the Front 257 Fun At Damascus 10 Foes 125 Grandma 100 Go Ring The Change 169 Going Hack 171 Have Ah^ved Away 211 Hannah 193 How Prosperity Conies 122 Hawaii and Cncle Sam 168 Hell 230 How the "News" Took With tlie People 62 How Teddy W An' go to diggin' ; like's not It wont take long to git a lot — But gittin 'em after they're found, An' yankin' wurms clear out the ground Is what gits me I ooh I but I hate Ter git them wigglin' wurms fer bait. You see it is this way— they will bore Fer fifty ways or mebby more An' don't know what they're borin' for— This way, that way, up an' down, Side ways, cross ways, roun' an' rouu', An' come out where they started in An' then they'll bore, an' bore, agin! I don't mind that I they have a right Ter bore all day an' back at night Fer all I care— that ain't the pint That puts my nose clear outer jint! My pint is this— these scriggly wurms— When I git after one that squirms That's big, an' fat, an' long an' slim, ^ An' jes erbout a grabbin him An' he pulls back,— I calculate That that would almost aggravate A common saint I Well I can see Jes' where he is, or orter be. An' lif another shovel then An' see him wigglin'— an' when I turn him up agin ter view An* grab, and pull, jes' like we do— An* he jes' lets himself into 88 FISH WURMS. An' each end goes as good as new I Now what gits me an' makes me hot Is— I can't tell what en' I got. An' then the en' as I liave got Goes feelin' round, an' like's not 'Tween my fingers, np my wrist, An' me a holdin' of my fist An' squeezin' him! Hows that feel? Haint I got a right to squeal? An' yet I've got ter squeeze, er he Is goin' to slip away from me! An' then again, they every one Jes' like a gas pipe come undone- Yes they do— I say they do, * An' then each en' will come into Jes' like a gas pipe will unscrew. They haint no head, nor tail ter me Or enny eyes as I kin see. Or ears, or mouth, or enny nose, Or enny legs, er feet, er toes. An' yet they jes' git up an' goes An' wiggle off! ooh! but I hate Them slimy squirming wurms fer bait I have ter git! It al'ays makes Me feel as I was hohlin' snakes. To hold a twistin' wigglin' wurm. Right in my hand an' feel him squirm Tntil sometimes— I offen wish — That things would turn an' wurms eat fish f DE GRADULATE. 39 But then they won't; I calculate That these here warms we git fer bait Ter ketch the fish with— put on hooks An' sling 'em in the little brooks Ter nibble at -is jes' the meat As makes them fishes, what we eat— Jes' think of that I its plain ter me It's jes' as plain as plain kin be, If fish eat wurms, an' then if we Will eat the fish—why don't you see We eat them wurms? I calculate Pa'U hear of that when he wants bait Again! ooh! but it makes me squirm. The thought o' holrtin' of a wurm An' old, unjinting, slimy wurm, An' hold him there an' let him squirm. DE GRADULATE. I'se gwine to sell de ole gray mare An' lif de pen for de shoats, So tuk dem slips from off of de chair An' scrape de bin fur de oats; De ole Dominicker— jes tie him feet— An' fro him in behin', Den git dat poke wid a toat ub wheat An' Ginney eggs all you fine. An' de ole red cow dat's tied to de fence. Go fotch me critter in; 40 DE GRADULATE. SheMl l>riiig ten do'lars I'll bet ten cents, It she am too pore to skin. We're gwine to town, we is dis day, Fur to sell what we has got, So git er-longTobe,— ger-long, I say Ue sun am mighty hot— We're gwine to town to sell all dese — We're gwine to fix up Kate— An' make her look too sweet to squeeze C<>s she's gwine to gradulate. She say dat she want er yaller gown, Wid mutton leg fur de sleebe. So I dun by *er slieep from Brown Dat I tuk widout his lebe, I s{)ec for Kate fur to cut some sliine When she git up dare to speak, Wid 'er hair stuck out like a porkerpine, An' 'er shoes dat's full of squeak, Dey'll fine us niggers ain't berry slow Wlien it comes to gals like Kate, In de yaller gown at de white folk show When she's gwine to gradulate; An' me an' mammy, an' brudder Pete, Will put our Joseys on. An' tuk some sanders o' bread an' meat An' de good ole pone of corn. An' slip down dare in de middle o'day To wait for de afternoon. An' hear dem big words Kate will say In her gradulating tune. Den git-er-long, Tobe, ger-long, ole grey— De sun am mighty hot— Y(»u must be tinking of what I say Or else you'd keep de trot. TOADS AN' SICH. 41 TOADS AN' SICH. I likes cold days, an' frosts, an' snow, An' whis'lin' winds that blow an, blow, An' blow, I do; These kine that flies an' skeeters takes, An' gives 'em sleep that never wakes An' I hate them worser than snakes I do don't you? I hate toads too, I do, not these Here speckly kine, what crawl up trees An' sing o' spring's, But them thare warty kinder sorts, Jes' stickin' full o' great big warts, To give to things. Them there's the ugliest things 'ats made. They come a sneakin' to the shade An' hide all day. An' sit scrooched up, an' shet both eyes— Jes' like they're dead -to get the flies To come that way. An' 'fore he tells the fly come in He smears some 'lasses on his chin, An' bout his nose. An' when tlie flies they come to sip Firs' thing tliey knows he goes "ker zip" An' in they goes. He's got a slimy, sticky tongue 42 THE BROKEN RESOLUTION. Jes' 'tween two streaks of lightning hung It goes so quick. An' mus' be jes' erbout so long An' bout that thick. Them's tonds for you— they call hylodes- The great big squattey, warty, toad, The worstest sorts. An' when one dies cl^an out, an' dead, They hist a toad stool at his head — An' I git warts. THE BROKEN RESOLUTION. I said a year ago las' night That when the New Year come I'd quit my drink an' gittin' tight, An' spend my nites to home. I even went so far to say I'd quit terbacker, too, An' throw away my pipe of clay. An' never take a chew; I resoluted time 'n time To jine the church for shure. An' give the tenth of every dime To help the gospil poor; Quit swearin' an' quit by- words, too. An' be a gentleman. An' do the things I orter to do The very bes' I can ; THE BROKEN RESOLUTION. 43 Had cause to be exact in these— 'Cause on my future life Depended one I had to please, An' wanted for a wife. WTien New Year's come- sorry the day- Two days was run in one— The old year as it slipped away An' new one je^' begun— You see, to get my courage up To enter my reform, I drank from the enthoosin' cup To keep my spirits warm. An' cum to know the new year in From out a stupid doze, No better did the new begin Than did the ole one close; The great reform to enter on I had to celebrate. An' did it 'fore the old was gone, In manner up-to-date. When on the street, I tried to meet With every blushing miss— Like Hobson, too, I smiled so sweet> I thought to win a kiss, But the perlice hornswoggled me And found the calaboose — Yes, cause I did like Hobson did They said I played the deuce: An' Hobson, he was gone to sea, Bound for Manila bay, An' got three thousand kisses free — While I for one must pay. 44 UNCLE EBEN'S LAMENT. An' I am still a bachelor, A drunken, swearin' moke, Without a thing worth livin' for Except to drink an' smoke. With good intentions lyin' 'round To build my Bridge of Sighs, To lead to regions underground An' not above the skies. An' so I'll lite my pipe of clay With good old cut and dry. An' whiff again as yesterday. While coming through the rye. UNCLE EBEN'S LAMENT. Bress de Laud dat lubeth Eben^ I's a gettin' ole' I know, Eph an' Pompey both am votin' Lo, dese many years ago. Stan' up, 'Lias, side your sis'er, Bofe de same age to er day, Bofe am twins an' hed one momma Till some spirit took' er 'way. Golly ! I's gettin' feebler - They was born in six'y-two. Tears as if de only chil'reu Frum de nes' hab gwine an' flew. Lissen, honeys ! I's a thinkin' Bout de time insix'y-four; UNCLE EBEN'S LAMENT. 45 Me an' momma bof e 'er sittin* Jus' outside der cabin door, When we heered a cry of "hoo-hoo I" "Hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo !" loud an' plain, Comin' from de jimsin bushes Growiu' long der medder lane. "Lissen" sez I, skeered an' trimbly— "Tis de gostess, sartin shore !" An' your momma tried to skeer it As I barred de cabin door; An' I nebber seed her af 'er, An' I mourn dese many a day Till dis heart am sad an' heaby An' de brack am turned to gray. But de white folks tell me, chil'ren. Long afore our weddin' day When she libed in Carolina She dun mawried 'Rastus Gray; Dat dey took an' sole him from her, Leabin' Chole, dere pickininnie, Hol'in' out 'er hands an' cryin' To go long to ole Virginy. When de wah was at de middle, Lawd, he make his people free, An' de niggahs flock to Kansas From de gu'f to Tennessee; An' I spec your momma, chil'ren, Lub dat fust lub enny way, 46 JUST so. All' de gostess hollerin' "hoo-hoo,\ Were clat niggah 'Rastiis Gray. Las' I heertl were her in Kansas, Big brack cloiuls 'er rollin' high, An' dey say de whirl win' took her Up above de Jasper sky; But I's libin' as de blessed Fur de realum of endless day, When I spec to meet ole momma Thout dat botherin' Rastus Gray. JUST SO. I like ter go up town of nites— An' hear the feller's tellin' 'Bout the times when they liad their fites At raisin's er at spellin'; It jes' beats the very dickens, That they never got no lickin's— Them's what The other fellers got. They jes' sit roun' on kegs of nails Or ag'n tlie counter propped Chaw terbacker an' tell tales 'Bout the horses they liad swapped — An' all the trades they ever made The tother fellers always paid For it An' they got badly bit. JUST SO. ^" An' hear 'em tell erbout the nites When roastin' ears 'ould blossom They took their clogs an' hed the fites Ter kill the coons an' possum But then I never heard 'em say Their dogs let enny git away — They downed All coons they ever found. An' pitchin' horse shoes for the pop- Right in front the blacksmith shop, An' meetin' folks come 'long an' stop, An' wan ter know—" who's on top? " There's no one yit as I kin fin', Who ever sed he were behin' Nor lost A blessed game he tossed. An' then the goodes' thing they know- Is 'bout times they took the gals An' went ter see Van Amburg's show, ^^ Or else ter parties with their " Sals." I never heard of one a gittin' From a gurl a blessed mitten— Jes who He took— he wanted to. An' I hev ben ter meetin' to, An' heard the preacher sayin' 'Bout the big meetin's he'd bin through When he done all the prayin,' 48 FAME.. An' hundreds got their 'ligion tliere- But then I guess it was somewhere In Maine Or else I guess in Spain. An' I hev heard the ole mai(l, too, Tell of fellers that they liad— An' they hed fellers not a few— Wantin' them mos' awful bad— But they jes turned their noses up An' wouldn't have the lazy pup; But then — They never foun' their men. FAME. I do not hanker after fame That eums by bloody deeds, I druther git it hoin' corn Or rise a pullin' weeds; I druther git it in the fiel' By plowing furrows strait, Or git it by a punkin raised— The bigges' in the state. I do not hanker after f ame— The kine that Dewey got— A lookin' down a cannon's mouth Jes' 'speetin' to be shot, FAME. 49 I druther do my lookin' where The cannons never cum. I druther hear the 'skeeters sing Than hear the flghtin' drum. I druther have a little fiel'— Jes' suited to my han' — Than be the bigges' kinder man That lived within the Ian'; I druther see my taters grow With promise of a crop, Than ride erlong the avenues- Right at the very top. I druther have a little wife— An' drest in calerco— Than see her drest in fines' silk An' ridin' out for show; I druther go afoot to church— An' set without a pew, Than go to where the organ doos^ The thing I orter do. I druther be jes' what I am, An' what I useter be, Than go to war an' fin' a fame By sinkin' in ths sea; J druther calkerlate on how To git my daily bread. Than hearin' praises born of me After meself is dead. 60 COMING HOME AGAIN. I drnther whet my scythe to mow With arms that's bare an' brown, Or march along my tasseled row Of corn to cut it down, Than be a huntin' of the earth For fame to cum aroun', An' like as not lay down an' die Eefore its ever foun'. COMING HOME AGAIN. Well Mary, I'm in Oklahoma, To enter the land I was first. But the creeks they are thirsting for water. And Mary, I'm dying of thirst. The insects are stinging and biting, Devouring me piecemeal away— Mosquitoes and fleas in the night-time And fleas and mosquitoes by day. The verdant and rolling prairies Are naked and brown as a bun. And the beautiful climate of summer As hot as the Hottentot's sun. And water as stagnant and murkey As that in our cow-pasture flat Is selling at two bits a galhm And hard to get even at that. But Mary, our homestead's a failure— I'm sorry to pen you this line,— MY FIRST LOVE. 51 I see where I failed in my reck'ning, Your judgment was better than mine, I staked off an eighty at sundown And hoisted my tent on the sand And dreamed I had made a cool thousand By getting my choice of the land. But Mary, this morning on rising An army was camping around, My eighty had been sub-divided And boomers were plowing the ground. And when I remonstrated with them — And did it in Christian like terms— They showed me a brace of revolvers And said I was food for the worms. You know I love peace with my neighbors, I couldn't contend with such men, So I gave up my claim to these "jumpers" And homeward I've started again. My love of adventure is over, And all of my longing to roam. If ever I reach you in safety Dear Mary— I'll hold the old home. MY FIRST LOVE. Twas many and many a year ago When I was a tot of three I fell in love with a little girl But she— didn't fall like me; 52 MY FIRST LOVE. When we baked our mud pies in the road — In the shade of a rugbug tree — I tokl that little girl I loved her— She said — "she didn't love me." One day we swung on the garden gate She stubbed her toe on a stone, I told her then that it hurt as bad As if I had stubbed ray own; I tore a piece from my old blue waist— As low down piece as could be— And wrapped her toe— did she love me then ? She said -"she couldn't love me." I let her slide on our cellar door On smoothest plank in the sun; And if I had but a peach or two I would always give her one; And if my gum I had chewed awhile And the little girl I'd see I would take tliat gum and give to her. But she— she wouldn't love me. She use to sit for to watch me dig For the iBsli worms in the shade And I tliink she told me forty times She'ld never die an old maid, I think she spoke of a party once Of a boy and girl afraid In going home— at some telephone poles That were out on a dress parade. MY FIRST LOVE. 53 And they went back where the party was And were chased by turn-turns roar And whistling snipes of the Garfield braves As they walked hind legs before, And measly owls from the beaver swamp In walloping coats of blue Snapped lantern jaws as they chased the boy With his stem wind gun in view. And the little girl she almost "booed" As she told the tale of the three And wondered if she had been the girl And the boy he had been me If I would have run as that boy run On his killdeer legs so free And I said, oh no, no, no, no, no Then she said she— she loved me. Then I took her down to Walker's store With my pants well out at the knee And bought her a wad of pepsin gum That grew on a pillberry tree. And she started off on her pigeon toes With her freckled face she sped With lips warped up to her peekid nose And hair of a golden red. But the wind blew out of the East one day 'Twas a salt sea breath it blew 54 MY FIRST LOVE. And it wore the germs of the whooping cough It had picked up in Peru It came like the march of a Cavalier In his martial cloak of grey With the mist of the morn for a robe he wore In his deadly search for prey. My feet were covered with mud and slime My face from the mulberry tree When the whooping cough marched down the road But he had no whoop for me, But the little girl I loved so well That was always clean and neat Who stubbed her toe at the garden gate And skinned her pretty feet She took the whooping cough and then They sent for King and Cobbs Who are always spooking round you know In search for just such jobs. And the Doctors came with their ipecac And their balsam of tolu And King put a mustard plaster twice Way down in the sole of her shoe 'Twill draw the blood to her feet said Cobbs And that will never do So he put a plaster on to her head And they drawed her clean into. THANKSGIVING AT DAMASCUS. 55 THANKSGIVING AT DAMASCUS. Thanksgiving at Damascus, it comes but once a year. Most like a second Christmas time in goodies that was here Roast turkey, duck and stuff in'— ge whiz what apple sass- And when you licked your platter clean, you had a chance to pass Your dish up to the head agin an' git another fill, — ^^ hich hatched up the beginnin' of a comin' doctor bill. Some sought their greatest pleasure in the path of soli- tude, Some sang the thankful meter with the dog an' gun an* wood. Some took of "Innisfillen," or California port: To some the supremest pleasure was the evening spent in court, The churches all was closed but one, an' that one held 'em all, In kind of union services they has here every fall. Whereat they hev a sermon spoke an' after that a spell A kind o' pop up meetin' like fur evry one to tell Of all the blessin's they received, likewise the bless's missed. Of what a strugglin' time they hed the Devil to resist. They thanked the Lord fur bless's had, the known an' the unknown. That when they asked for bread they got the bread and not a stone. The preacheress— a Quakeress, at benediction rose, An' wished to give a partin' thank before the meetin's close,— 56 THE HUNT— AN EPISODE. Not for November victories when Dimocrats went down, Not fur the great big wagons full the farmers haul to town, But 'cause tliat on next 'lection clay the statutes had it 'rote The female wimmin had a chance of castin' of a vote. And so they thanked the Lord for this, but never sed a word About the legislator man who gave,— and not the Lord. And so I spec' election time, when it shall come again, Will find me stayin' home at work without my Phoebe Jane. You'll find her at the pollin' place a 'hoopin' up her man, *Tis so with all the wimmen folks, from Beersheba unto Dan. You'll find me in the kitchen where the baby just awoke, With paregoric bottle, and one suspender broke. THE HUNT-AN EPISODE. "What is that father?" "A lawyer, child. It's a S alem lawyer, weird and wild. That took the gim from the rusty rack And shut both eyes when he heard it crack, And liired a farmer to shoot the squirrels Wliile he stayed in the house and teased the girls And oiled his hands to make them brown To show his wife when he went to town." SPELLIN' SCHOOL AT BRICKTOWN. 57 *'What is that father?' "The farmer, son, He's coming home for his work is done ; The crack of his rifle often heard Has brought to his sack a squirrel or bird, And that lawyer there will hand him pelf Then swear that he shot them all himself. And "Munchausen" will blanch with very shame When the lawyer tells how he shot the game." *'Are they always thus?" The father smiled And gave a nod to the thoughtful child. •'It is always thus,— they grow and feed On soil where the devil sows the seed; They milk the cows that their clients hold And "court" their "prayers" for their hard earned gold; They seldom toil, and they never spin, But they gather a host of the shekels in." SPELLIN* SCHOOL AT BRICKTOWN. They had a spellin' school t'other night— at Bricktown school— An' sent a notice down to us who go to Golden Rule— That's the deestrict I'm from — to a lot o' us big fellers. Fer us to git a wagon load— an' bring down, of our spell- ers An' try an' rassel spellin' ; well we 'eluded we would try 58 spellin' school at bricktown. An' git a load of girls an' boys an' have a little high, Goin' an' comin' from the spellin'— an' so I asked Lize Ong An' Peely's girls— Till an' Juli' Ann— if they 'Id go along. They was big in fersich a scheme— an' I was too, of course— An' sol got Milt Windle to jme me with his horse, An' git Joe Pettit's wagon. Well, we filled the bed with hay Clean up above the very top, an' started qn the w^ay To gether up the girls— an' I am just a laughin' yet Ter see them pilin' in that hay to hunt a place to set So as to be 'long side of me— an' all that I could do Was stretch my arms out both a ways an' be a holdin' two. An' I could hear 'em whisperin' like to each other, tellin' They knowed that I'd be the one to beat Bricktown a spellin'." The road was awful rough, an' they did drive to beat all sin — It jolted me to t'other end from where I started in Up by the driver; all the hay had slid from under me An' I was 'bout as well shook up as medder hay can be, As Bricktown came in view— an' they was havin' lots o' fun A playin' ring— the big ones was— an' little ones would run To git each other's tag, as books was called an' all went in, An' we piled out an' got inside before the thing begin. spellin' school at bricktown. 59 We stood aroun' the stove a bit to take keer of our nose. An' Juli' Ann took ofE her shoes an' said that hers was froze; An' they 'pinted choosers, of two girls I didn't know, An' one had freckles on her face whitewashed to keep from show — An' they was slickers, an' went up head beginnin' of a row An' began a choosin' spellers; — well the one I loved the worst She guessed firs' page an' got firs' choice an' she took me first An' I stood by her at the head, an' she kep' me a tellin' Who was the bes' in Golden Rule for her to choose for spellin' They kep' a choosin' that a way till all of 'em was took An' then a feller givin' out, he opened up his book— An old McGuffey speller — an' said we'ed begin at "blaze'* An' spell a round or two he guessed, an' then spell cross a ways An' enny of us missin' words first time, couldn't right 'em. But mus' sit down— pass to nex' an' so on adfinitumf We hadn't spelled roun' but twice when only four was standin, — I was one— an' very shure that I would make my landin* An' come out head ; when my word come an he gave me "mealy,"— An' I got so uster spellin' Juli Anna Peely That I got a double e instead of e-a in the word An' that lef * me in goin' down the nex' one to the third— fJO spellin' school at bricktown. An' the girl what did my choosiu', she beat the Gohlen Rule An' then tliey throwed their liats and yelled "three cheers for Bricktown school." An' then we all stood up agin— for spellin' cross a ways— An' took the same old places, an' started in at "praise" With my girl first— a leadin off— an' then t'other head, An' gee and haw they took their turns at eatin' words he read ! There was 'bout thirteen stand in' an' some on either side An' looked to me like bein' a mighty close divide An' I was jes through spellin' of a little easy word When he give out "animule ' as plain as I ever heard. First one missed and then the nex' an' so on to the tother An' all the Goldeu Rule went down but me an' Julia's brother— An' he went down, an' all the rest that spelled there for Bricktown An' lef me stannin' yet - an' all the rest was down, An' I was standin' like a rock— an' I up an' said A-n' an n-i anni— an' then I shook my head — An' then went on an' finished it, m-u-l-e mule, annimule An' then you oughter heard 'em yell, three cheers for the Golden Rule. A HEALTH. 61 A HEALTH. Let's drink us a health to soldier boys rations Of old rusty bacon that's always in store, The strength of the boy, and hope of the nations. And monarch alike of division and corps. Not flitch of the swine well fed by a brewer, Not fattened on moss on the flea-ridden sand. Nor those from the stone frescoed hills of Missouri, Nor sleek with the fat from our northermost land ; But old and prolific of offspring by dozens, And bare of a hair on the shoulder or side— The pair that old Noah ark-saved, were her cousins — But thicker than theirs her rhinoceros hide. As long as a rail she has been at her killing As poor as the wood-work of harrow, I know. And surely she died just because she was willing, And was biding in years the time she should go, She was bitten by cur, and mastiff and hound. And clubbed on the head for her stealing of swill, Been shot with great charges of buckshot when found . A-nosing for corn that was spilled at the mill ; And then as a corpse on a scaffold has lain, Been doused in a vat of hot water and lye Been hung on a cross— and been severed in twain. With her head to the ground and her heels to the sky; Has been savored with salt and tormented with smoke, And was hammered and poinded and hung up and dried, This swine of our youth of the toughness of oak, This mother swine hog that has petered and died. ong years it has been since her trials endured — 62 HOW THE "NEWS" TOOK WITH THE PEOPLE. Long years since she foraged the forests afar — Long years since her sides for the soldiers were cured' And put in a barrel awaiting a war. Let's drink to her health— the soldier boys' ration, The flitch of the swiue that is always in store, The strength of the boy, and the strength of the nation, The old mother flitch that is leader in war. HOW THE ''NEWS'' TOOK WITH THE PEOPLE. Up the street went the newsboy fleet With a bundle of papers under his arm. And he caught the glance of the maidens sweet And the farmer fiesli from his festive farm; And he yelled witli a lusty voice and loud With the newsboy twang— "The Seeking News"— As he rushed as a host cart through a crowd, Or a News man, after some interviews. And the nap of the afternoon was broke Of the housewife, through witli lier daily chores, As she heard the words of the newsboy spoke. She arose, and rushed barefdot out of doors. And she made for the boy witli the "Sebring News" And she purchased six— right on the spot, And she never waited to don her shoes Till she read each line in the News she got. And they came from the streets, and lanes and ways, On nimble feet and on wtM)den pegs— AN EASTER SONATA. 63 Like boys run after a band that plays Or a hungry man for the food he begs: And the town was astir from park to place And a bedlam reigned in the city hall, While the dogs helped on in the merry chase As they heard the sound of the newsboy's call. The fire bells rang; and the new patrol With our mayor abroad in a new chip hat, And drove by a fellow as black as coal Pushed wildly on where the crowd was at. And the council came, and the two lone "cops" With mace in hand and in navy blues Rushed for tlieir game, but they lost their props. When they found the row was to get the News. The cats backed up on the back stair stoops. And the horses broke their straps and neighed, The chickens fled in fright to their coops While the unlearned man knelt down and prayed; And never a bit did the bedlam cease Till each one bought and devoured the News, When the farmer smiled— went home in peace. And the dear housewife— put on her shoes. AN EASTER SONATA Miss Avarilla Alice Jones, you all heard about her, She bloomed into society, a score of years ago. And every party that we had, was incomplete without her 64 AN EASTER SONATA. She always had her pick and choice of who should be her beau; And every boy that 1 knew of, was on Avarilla smitten And she just had a picnic time in giving them the mit- ten. She always wore a low necked dress all loaded down with posies; She had a face just like a rose but more than ten times sweeter; She looked just like an angel would upon a bed of roses. And I would walk for twenty squares to get a chance to meet her. To catch a glance and get a smile Oh ! there was nothing sweeter, It filled my cup of happiness above the topmost meter. I used to think she poured on me her most bewitching glances And really was in love witli me— I did upon my honor — And strung her little bow for me with Cupid's fairy lances That I might revel in the bliss of feasting eyes upon her. She pressed me and caressed me, as sportive as a kitten Until I asked to see her home— and, gosh ! I got the mitten. Well, after that I steeled my heart against her wily glances And said the sea was full of fish of better than the captured; That I was free within the sea to fish and take my chances That I with Avarilla Jones no longer was enraptured AN EASTER SONATA. ^ And from that day she mittened me her winsome ways were ending And through the gates of " Old Maid's Land " her sua was swifty trending. Tis twenty winters since that day and time has been uo laggard, He's worked upon that old maid Jones and furrowed out her features, And left her poor, and lank, and lean with carewora looks and haggard, A melancholy old recluse— a toothless padded creature^ With day dreams of what might have been in life's ro- seated morning Had she but fawned upon my hopes instead of idly scorning. Till Easter Day, she was not seen for years at our class meeting. Nor had she any services of other kinds attended. That day three times she went to church and took the top- most seating. And even with the choir her voice in broken notes were blended ! And everybody said " Old Rill " was trying for to run il But that was false —she only went to show her Easter Bonnet. And such a bonnet as it was, with flowers from hill ant heather. The whole jam pile had gone to seed where nature*^ crown was fading. 66 A DILEMMA. And forty difiEerent colors there.were intertwined together* Above the head of gold and grey fast into silver shading — The only love she had on earth, oh, how she doted on it, And she was married to that love, that darling Easter Bonnet. A DILEMMA. I'm tangled 'bout religion, till I don't know what to do For ma, she is a Catholic, and pa he is a Jew, An tliey're all the time a tightin' 'bout whicli religion's best To lead them 'cross to Canaan where the wicked go to rest; Pa says Ids Christ is coming, an' ma says he's come and gone, *Long witli the 'postle Peter, an' the water preachin' John; So while pa keeps a watchin' for his coming in a cloud, Ma'shuntin 'round in Armathy to find Ids empty shroud; Pa says he wants no masses said, to help unload his sin, Nor priests who charge admittances to heaven to help him in; Ma says she wants no Rabbi who the risen Lord deny To preach to her of heaven or its beauty glorify; Pa says he has the Bible to substantiate his creed, An' ma the same old Bible to supply her every need, So you cannot much be blaming if I'm nearly out at sea In finding a religion that is good enough for me; I don't know wliere to anchor, an' I don't know what to do- For ma she is a Catholic, and pa, he is a Jew. A DILEMMA. 67 A DILEMMA. I know a lovely widow, she's the turn of thirty-two As pretty as a fairy that old Thetis tried to woo And when I chance to meet her she will turn her face awry But she gives me heavenly glances an' I hate to pass her by. Her mourning weeds become her— in her plain and sable gown. She is more of an enchantress than is all the girls in town, An* I sometimes get to thinkin' by myself when in the wood An' huntin' of the mushroons, that I only wish I could Jes' be along aside her sometimes when she's alone An' tell her of the feelin' that I'm keepin' as my own. She's as plump as any partridge and more graceful in her walk An' can talk on any subject that a fellow wants to talk. An' I would'nt care for dying— 'pears to me 'twere heaven to be The husband of the widder like the feller useter be An' have her hoverin' round him as he crossed the dark abyss An likely bendin' o'er him for to soothe him with a kiss As he went within the shadow where no landin' was in view To await the resurrection of the trumpet when it blew 68 A DILEMMA. An' then I get to thinkin,' if we both had married lier An' both had gone to heaven an' she knew jes' where we were An' she should follow after— do you think we should agree ? Would she love the other fellow, or would give her love to me ? [t is mighty nigh perplexing to a feller who can doubt To be figgering on such questions an' be making noth» ing out. An' the Bible ought to tell us so's to put the thing to rest If a woman marries often, why which one she loves the best An' if all had gone to heaven, an' were seated in a row An' we all shall know each other as the Bible tells us so^ An' the widow I had married, an' the other fellows too, Came sweeping into glory, when St. Peter let her through, An' should take the firstist husband for to walk about the town An' see the golden paving of the streets a going down. Do you think that I'd be singing hallelujah to tlie Lamb Or wisliing tliat the firstist was a serving out his damn Would it be the kinder heaven that a feller 'spects to see When he gets aboard the vessel for to cross the Jasper sea. THE CANDIDATES. 69 THE CANDIDATES. The candidates are eomin' from the fiel' an' from the shop, They are comin' thick and faster, like as if they never stop. They all are groomed for winners, an' they've got a friendly grip, An' their han' is in their pocket to the boodler for a tip. They are comin' in from Beaver, from Goshen an' from Green, From Springfield an' from Milton an' a host or more between, From Ellsworth an' from Boardman— an' the good Lawd hide his face — As we try to count the numbers from the city in the race. They are hankerin' after office, an' they scent the heavy till, An' their cousins an' their uncles are a workin' with a will; An' they offen fib a little— jes' a little on the sly— For in introoducin' politics ole Adam learned to lie; An' they rake among the carrion for their op- ponents' abuse. For fault or else a failure as a dish for present use. 70 THEY ALL WANT WAR. Or they tell a horrid feature in an opponent's career, Of liis prostootin' virtue or his appetite for beer. They go to every meetin' where the pious folks are led, An' walk like Ananias 'inong the patriotic dead, An' think that every feller must doff his hat and coat, An' give his time an' money for ter help him git a vote. Oh, the candidates are comin', I can hear 'em in the breeze. As thick as summer June bugs as they're flit- tin' 'mong the trees. An' the good Lawd show his pity on the poor deluded set, Who hold the sack for snipin', but a snipe will never get. THEY ALL WANT WAR. We was sittin' in the grocery— Jack Dugan and McXeal, An' I was kinder mincin' on a piece of orange peel I pulled from off the counter— when in comes Billy Tool THEY ALL WANT WAR. 71 An' sez, "BedadI old Cleveland's got the drop on Johnny Bull. He has spit on both his hands the lion's tail to twist, Onless he took the medicine he said he would resist ; An' so he sent a somethin' out to congress as a feeler, Which said he'd fix the English lines along with Venzueler. An' as it looks to me," he sez, "an' seein' what 'twas for, It looks jes' like a little scrap a leadin'to a war." Jack Dugan's eyes was flashin' as he jumped from off his seat An' swore he had a hanker in' for to taste the English meat. "Jes' let the blarsted redcoats come," he said, into our ports — They'll get a taste o' kingdom come from forty- 'leven forts. An' if they get a chance to put their men upon the land They'll find a million Yankee boys with muskets in their hand. Why, gosh I the North an' South is one; there ain't no rebels— say. If Johnny wants to tussel Sam— Goodbye to Canada; An' if he wants to sail his men across the foamin' sea, 12 THEY ALL WANT WAR. Ould Ireland will be to homeinvitin' him to tea." An' tlii'n he spit on botli his hands, and pulling down his vest, IJe bought some old Virginy twist to put his nerves to rest. McNeal, he grew excited, and was ready for the fray, Although he was a rebel an' had worn the rebel gray. "America must own," he said, an' rule Amer- ica; An' if a call for volunteers shall come as sixty-one, You'll find old Jim McXeal in front, a loadin of his gun." But Billy Tool, he said as how he rather kinder guessed If all was goin' to war he'd stay at home and rest. "I have a mind to let 'em figlit I wouldn't be Hgin it - Pervided, if they wanted men, they wouldn't count me in it. '*A war," he said, "would surely make my mut- ton go up higher, A' feller wouldn't have to ride a week to hunt a buyer. An' corn will jump to sixty cents, an' wheat will touch a dollar, THE DEVIL'S MORTGAGES. 73 An' all the other grain an' sich will very likely foller. An' wool -ge whiz!— where it will go, as high as sixty-four, An' horses for the cavalry will bring a hun- dred more." An' then he darted out the door, the same he entered in. An' bought a half a hundred sheep from land poor Josey Shinn. And I— I felt hilarious— and war was my desire, And so I took my p3ncil out and marked my prices higher. THE DEVIL'S MORTGAGES. The Bible says the worl' was made a pur- pose for mankin' An' every feller had a right to everything he fln'. The wattah runnin' in the creeks, the fishes in the swim The honey hidin' in the rocks an' apples on the lim' The cattle on a thousan' hills, the med- der down below They jes' as much belong to me as any one I know. THE DEVIL'S MORTGAGES. The Lawd lie says the worl' is his— hi? angels oberseers An' we the fellers ruiinin' it an' farmin' on the sheers He sed that he mus' have a tenth of everything that grows Ai' Satan hoi's the raor'gages for what the people owes Aq' when the judgment day cunis roun' an' we a owin' yet I spec' the Devil will foreclose an' git us for the debt. On3 day the Jews an' Gentiles got to talkin' bout the plan An' each he said his father was the one who owned the Ian' An' so they got to scrappin'— or at leas' it so appears 'Bout which un had a right to pull an' eat sum roasln ears. The Jews they said they cleaned the Ian' an' picked an' piled the stone The Gentiles lowed the seed was theirs an' claimed it all their own An' so they fit a battle close beside the Tiber sea Which ended in an armistice an' formin' this decree That he wlio firs' possessed the Ian' an* fenced it as his own It gave him all tlie Ian' he fenced an' all the Ian' Jiad grown AT QUAKER MEETIN' '?» An' when he traded off his Ian' they broke a stone into One piece he gave it to the court the other piece to you An' he who hel' the broken' bit, to fit the court house stone Had all the Ian' an' all the crops upon it for his own An' so they cum to count the Lawd as dispossessed of all They paid their brother but the Lawd they never paid at all An' hence the Devil hoi's his court for provin' up his claim An' rakes so many sinners off to satisfy the same. AT QUAKER MEETIN^ I never had a feelin' what the meetin' folks has got, To let a feller tramp my toes an' never care a grot — To let 'em lie and steal of me, an' cheat me all they can. An, then jes' down an pray for them to be an hones' man. I'm built upon another plan from meetin' folks as these. With san' a stickin' in my craw instead of prayin' knees, 76 AT QUAKER MEETIN' An' ev'ry insult offered uie— as trampin' of my toes— Will fin' my dander glttin' up, an' strik- in tellin' blows; An' I have 'lowed for many years that ev'ry one wlio dares To heap abuses onto me— he need'nt look for prayers. Today I went ter meeting'— jes' to hear 'em preach an' pray— I went ter Quaker meetin'— 'cause I al'ays leaned tliat way — I could liear tlie clock a-tickin' as it leaned ag'in the shelf, An' my heart it kep' a bumpin' an' a tliumpin' of itself, An' the pious congregation in sweet, sub- missive will Were as the waves of Jordan, when they tol' 'em to be still; Then 'mid the quiet people— close to where I nervous sat In the stillness of the meetin'— an awful stillness that — Arose a good oF Quaker— and his name was Atherton - An' tol' 'em 'bout the prayin' folks an' what their prayers had done. He said he offen was cas' down, with sper- its runnin' low, AT QUAKER MEETIN'. 77 An' he could almos' hear an' feel the devil come an' go; An' yet he al'ays kep' him off, when sneakin' onawares, By gittin' down upon his knees an' skeer- in' him with prayers. Then he tol' 'em 'bout some chil'ren, but I'm poor at 'memberin' names That the jedge who heard the trial had consigned 'em to the flames; An' he said they was good chil'ren, jes' as good as good kin be. An' they lived with Hebrew parents in the Ian' of Gallilee; An' he tol' 'em how they put 'em in a fur- nace awful hot, An' the Hebrews kep' a prayin' that the fire would touch 'em not. The story was a good 'un, an' it interested me. But got me jes' as angry as a feller well kin be, An' I felt had I been near him— the jedge I would have slain, Would hit him jes' as Abel was- an' I have been the Cain. Then he went a little furder— an' tol' 'em how they seen The chil'ren playin' in the fire as playin' on the green, 78 AT QUAKER MEETIN' An' when they roasted 'em a day, jes' to appease his ire, They come right out tlie furnace door— and 'thout a smell of fire. Then my feelin's they was melted, an' my pity turned about From the chil'ren in the furnace to the jedge an' jury out, An' I half believe the prayin', as the Qua- ker said they prayed. Took the fire from out the furnace, an' the han' of murder stayed, An' I pity jedge an' jury at knowin' their decree By Hebrew prayers was beaten in that Ian' across the sea. An' maybe that the meetin' folks who pray witli great desire For those wlio lie an' steal of me are heapin' coals of fire Upon the heads of those who do the things so wrong to me, Jes' like the Hebrew people did who prayed in Gallilee. ABIJAH SCARCEOFFAT. "^^ ABIJAH SCARCEOFFAT. We all know 'Bijah, the peddler man— That is, Pa and Ma and me and Dan, And my old aunty, Malindy Ann- Comes to our house whenever he can, Carries a pack Onto his back, Filled with the cutest and purtiest things. With tlireads and thimbles, and rubber and rings, Laces and ribbons, and checkers and dice, And knives and pencils and everything nice, And a wee little box with a lid and a spring He pushes on— and the ugliest thing That ever I seen jumps out at me, With the longest beard I ever see, Whiter'n snow It is, I know. And only one leg below the knee, I can't tell which 'tis— monkey or man- But 'Bijah says he carries it 'cause It'll scratch and bite with its teeth and claws The girls and boys Who touch his toys. And if they should take one thing to keep, He would come some night when they're asleep And bring a feller what's bigger nor he. That lives in the woods in a hollow tree, And drag them up to the chimley top And black their faces -and— let 'em drop, He says, one day a little girl took 80 ABIJAH SCARCEOFFAT. A row of pins and a pocketbook, And he got a sack From out of his pack And put her in, and she can't come back. You don't know 'Bijah, the peddler man? Why, I've known him as long as Dan! He's awful high and blind of one eye And he wears a patch upon each knee. With two behind for his coat to see; And he has side whiskers on his chin That reach clean up till his ears begin; He's slim and poor, and he says that that Is 'cause his name is Scarceoffat. But Pa, he won't let me tell you all, 'Cause he has told me along toward fall. My old maid aunty— Malindy Ann- Will marry Abijah, if she can! And she's as tall and bony as he, Mouth like a burr on a chestnut tree. Mole on her nose, black as a crow. And walks with a wibly-wably go, And all huuiped up with the rlieumatiz, Worser by lots than the back of his. She lives with us And raises a fuss Whenever us youngsters laugh or crow. And I don't care how soon she'll go. I'll bet when 'Bijah has her awhile He'll stroke his beard and his blood with bile. When she tries on him to be his boss, ABIJAH SCARCEOFFAT. 81 Ami gets to acing so tarnel cross, Ami scolds him like she use' to me, And stomps her foot, for to let her be. Then Uncle 'Bijah will have to bring His box with a lid, and press the spring, And let her see that ugliest thing, And drag her up to the chimley top. And blacken her face, and let her drop. SOME OBSERVIN^S. When the moon is at the fuUin', an' the rain a-pourin' down. An' the medders jes a swimmin'— like as if they're goin' ter drown, An' the oats begin a-mouldin', an' the shock a- gittin' green. An' the flies a-makin' cattle look a little lank an' lean; It's a deal o' sight o' comfort ter a feller— in a horn— To enumerate his blessin's and be glad that he is born. When he gits up in the mornin' for the kin'lin' wood ter git — An' the rails an' piles o' corncobs are a jeS a-soppin wet, An' the ax is in the holler, an' the hatchet in the shed. SOME OBSERVIN'S An' the wife an' little urchins they is snorin in the bed; Its a (leal o' sight o' comfort for a feller then ter know That there won't be eny kin'lin' in the regions down below. When he's workin' in the harves', an' the sweat from ev'ry pore Is the pushin' of another for the makin' room for more, An' his shirt upon his elbows, an' his trouser^ 'bout his knees They is jes a-gapin' open ter tlie playin' of the breeze. It's a deal o' sight o' comfort for ter know the preacher said, "That by sweatin' of the forehead we mus' eat our daily bread." When he's diggin' of his taters an' the crop is mighty slim— With a nary peach nor apple ter be seen upon a lim' With the colic 'mong the chickens an' the eggs a-gittin skeerce. An' the payin' rent a-comin', and the boss a-lookin' fierce- - It's a deal o' sight o' comfort ter confront an empty purse. An' to set to ruminatin' 'bout a ride within a hearse. A WANDERING REVERY. 83 When the bugs are on the squashes an' the smut is on the corn, An' the wife too feeble winded for ter blow the dinner horn, An' the dog he gits ter mournin'— in a dole- fulistie whine — An' you hear the serooeh owl trem'lin' with his voices in the pine, An' the fire begins to sputter an' the week a-buruin' low. An' you have ter look behin' you for the devil as you go — It's a deal o' sight o' comfort in the 'mergencies as this To forgit the overtakin's in the thanks for them you miss. A WANDERING REVERY, Up the road comes the clatter of feet And the lumbering sound of a wabbling trap, And a charger snorts on a new made street Where the urchins play a game of crap. And a fellow with goggles and one with specks- TV' ith measly looks and sunburnt hair — With looks as wise as preacher's texts Says, "say my sonny pray tell me where Is the beautiful city of Sebring?" 84 A WANDERING REVERY. And (lashing maidens in waists of blue With faces as freckled as turkey eggs, And stepping as light as a kangaroo And as spry as a boy mumbley pegs— Comes up the track on the railroad ties,— And mops the sweat from her fading brow— And glancing around to her left she spies. A fellow in blouse a milking a cow And she asks for the road to Sebring? A portly man and a spindle shank Emerge from the smoking car a pair — With a vinegar man witli looks as blank As the open smiles of a polar bear- Waltz up the steps where the toot-toot stops. And light the end of a spent cigar. And ask of a nigger, working his chops To tell him the way, and about liow far. To the new made city of Sebring. The wagons go by with brick and stone, And the drivers whistle an unknown tune, And the butcher's cart with gristle and bone Goes hippety hop each afternoon. And strangers they come and go by scores, And divil a bit will their business tell As our mayor sits in his stoop and snores And dreams he is telling as lie must tell Of the way to the city of Sebring. And the telephone man, with horse and cart; Is spouting along for his right of way OUR LEAP YEAR PARTY. 85 And the barber and butcher a place to start To gather their bills— but never to pay: And Satan is sending his imps afloat And they all come in— but they go away— For the wolf is known in another coat And nary a bum will have a stay In the beautiful city of Sebring. OUR LEAP YEAR PARTY. Leap year is jes' the bigges' fun fer me That ever you did see— Nothin' partic'lar 'bout it az I knows 'Ceptin' for the girl boze An, girls turn to boze in leap years, an' they, They have the bills ter pay, Fer oysters, an' fer soda cream an' gum; An' when the shows they cum. They hev ter git the tickets, an' then go, An' they be the boys' bow An go an' git the boys, an' find a seat An' git goodies ter eat Fer us 'tween plays; an' fore our boze they cum, We jes' sit roun' at home With nuthin' 'tall ter do but sit an' wait. An' rock in front the gate. An' mebby nuss tlie cat, an' stroke its fur, Jes' fer ter hear it purr. I hadn't had a bow— not one jes' right- Till week ago ternight. 86 THE THREE OLE MAIDS. An' then I hed one — an' she cum fer me Ter go with her an' be Her girl at a leap year party then ter be In the Academy; An' I sed— "Yes"— an' so I went an' dressed Up in my very best— An' she waited till I dressed - an' then we started for the party; She sed I were to play girl all the way An' act jes' like as they Do every way — an' she would act an' do Jes' like a boy all through. An' it was fun, I tell you now, fer me Ter see them try ter be Jes'like the boys— like hens that try ter crow They sounded though ; Well, after while one of tlie girls— our boze She tore some of her clothes— Her dress it was— an' she jes' hed ter be Jes' like a boy, you see— An' so she up an' sed in boyish cants, "Oh Mister Mills has tore his pants." THE THREE OLE MAIDS. There once was three ole maidens sat a sippin,' of their tea, They all hed been as han'some, jes' as han'some as can be— An' each one went ter tellin' of jes' how it came erbout THE THREE OLE MAIDS. 87 That others got their Nathans an that they was lef ' witiiout. The firs' one said she'd offers for to marry by the score But seas was full of o' fishes an' she went a fishin' more, An' she baited with her beauty an' foun' out rather late That beauty when it's fadin' is an antiquated bait, So in her desperation she decided not ter wait But marry the nex' feller— but he hadn't cum ter date. Another had begotten on a very modern plan A model superstructure of a very model man, An' she ter be his idol— an' a very summer queen A lollin' in the posies when the grass is growin green, While he should do the plantin' an' a tendin' of the corn. An, rise an' git her breakfas' in the bright an" dewey morn. His eyes and his complexion she had noted down» with care. An' even cum to namin' of the color of his hair; But fellers all are faulty, an' she couldnt think ter wed A feller who would measure any less then as she sed, So now a toothless maiden, of fifty summers flown, She hadn't any Nathan that she dared to call her own. 88 THE COUNTRY DOCTOR. The otlier of the trio -she was rich, of great estate An' riclies— so slie tohl 'em— was a very temptin' bait Au' fellers who was hankerin' fer to git her heart an' han' Had still a bigger notion fer ter git to farm her Ian', So this suspicious maiden of the poor deceptive man. Is wrinkled an' bal'-headed— an' her Nathan is her Ian', Thus talked the three old maidens, as together sip- pin tea. As tellin' tales together of the things that uster be: But they didn't tell the secret of their failure of life To become a loviii' mother, or tender lovin' wife; Man doesn't wed for beauty, ner fer riches, ner is made For patterns for the angels— but a little lower grade. THE COUNTRY DOCTOR. His office hours are the twenty-four— And the door bell rings as he crawls in bed. As hesink^ away in a dreamy snore, Or seats himself for liis daily bread; THE COUNTRY DOCTOR. 89 He peers without and the night it chills— The mud is up to his horse's side — He mounts his steed with his pack of pills, And sallies forth for a midnight ride. The goblins of night are in their glee, He rides a-past where the ghosts do dwell, He hears strange sounds from a haunted tree Where the hoot owl sits for its midnight yell; He reaches at last his patient's door — He walks within with a listless tread- He pulses his victim o'er and o'er And lays his palm on his frowseyhead; He looks as wise as an ancient Greek," Unfolding the bottles within his pack— Tis a case of colic of whicli we speak — And he doses his patient with ipecac; Then portioning parcels of powder out, He bows adieu— and is homeward bound, And he nods along in a misty doubt Of whether in bed or on the ground. A little one burned about the wrist— A stitch in the back of a rheumatiz; A sprain that was caused by an ankle twist, Are all inquiring "Where Doctor is?" And they live to the north and east and west, And many and many the miles apart 90 THE FARMERS' INSTITOOT. And to give to himself a needed rest He makes the round in a springless cart; He's called to go if a baby cries- He portions out for the thumps in swine He mixes a nostrum to straighten eyes. And cures the clefts of the limping swine ; Then he gets his pay when the pumpkins ripe From the turnip field or buckwheat straw, For the bursted cabbage and mouldy tripe That is sandwiched in with a heap of jaw. A FARMERS* INSTITOOT. We hed a farmers' institoot In our deestrict in the hall, For the tellin' of our doin's one to tother. An 'bout the kinder work for doin' in the fall, Fur the savin' of a heap o' winter bother- When the winter gits rantankerous like As he does in Ximisliillin — Like as chinkin' up the shed, Moving the water trough to places under cover, THE FARMERS' INSTITOOT. ^1 A makin' things handy like, where the cows is fed, Which was the fattenes' kin'— timothy or clover? Them things he was obsarvin'. They all agreed in settin' pes' The little en' goes down- That is if wantin' 'em for tolas' the longes' An' buy in' janes for panterloons, al'ays git the brown, 'Cos them the wearin' kin' an' al'ays the stronges'— Gosh! them janes will hoi' an ox— An' they unanimously sed— In plantin' out a flel' Never ter plant onions an' taters by the t'other. 'Cos if you do the onions makes the ta- ters squeal, Gittin' in their eye an" givin' lots o' bother That's what nachur onions is. The nex' was sed 'bout drainin' farms; Mos' sed they was a usin' tile Some sed the gofer plow it made a bun- kum drain, Snootin' up the yaller clay 'way below the sile, Al'ays makin' big crops-lots and heaps o' grain If the sile is rich aforehand; 92 THE FARMERS' INSTITOOT. An' the head boss he called on me To give em an expression An' tole 'em who I were — 'bout my early traiuin', Sed it weren't elosin' time fer the evenin' session They'd hear from Nimishillin 'bout un- der-drainin' In a plain an' farmlike way. It warn't sarvin' me jes' right, But still I up and sed — There's other kin' o' drains that some o' you has got Thai's drainin' every fiel' inter the river bed That beats the gopher plow or tile upon your lot In the quickness of the drainin'; Some o' you's been usin' them In drains that you is usin', Usin' o' them drains, that'll drain you pretty soon. It's jes' a little glass, the kin' that you is choosin'. You al'ays fin, 'em plenty roun' in the saloon, An' they're a good drain for the farm- A HOLIDAY ROMANZA. 93 A HOLIDAY ROMANZA. I calculated all the fall, well, sence 'fore seedin' time, That when I got my huskin' done, an' fodder sleddid in. An' pun'kins picked, an' tatters dug, an' dusted off with lime To go to Jeptha Morgan's store— he keeps one in Berlin — He's uncle to 'Lize Sanderson— an' E — I'm 'Lize's beau; I've bin a goin' off an' on with her for— let me see- It mus' be goin' on four years sence firs' she let me go, An' I have been her steady beau for mighty nigh to three. She's bin a kinder nudgin' me, an' wantin' me to tell Where Shreves' girls, an' Hobson's girls are gettin' all their things. An' redicules, an' fotographs, an' things she likes to smell, A.n' then hold up her great big ban's, what hadn't enny rings; An' ax me lots of funny things, like, "what I's goin' to see At C'rismus time, an' had I sol' my hogs, an' beef an' sich," An' likely hitch her cheer up close, as close as close could be. An' tell me name her apple seeds, an' tell her which was which. Well if a feller loves a girl, he wants to give a lift. An' so I went to Jeptha's store, an' tol' him who I were— Were 'Lize's beau— an' wanted for to see some C'rismus gif's. An' sposed he knew jes what to git to tickle girls like her, An' he kinder raised his specs, an' looked below at me, 94 A HOLIDAY ROMANZA. An' pulled some stockin's off a string a runnin' overhead An' got some boxes marked on end "waist measure 53," An' 'lowed that "that was 'Kize's size from what his wife had sed." An' then he got some mittens down, and bottles marked "perfume," Jes 'zactly like them Hobson girls was lettin' 'Liza smell, An' jerked the cork to let me git a whiff of apple bloom, An' fryin' ham, an' new cut hay, an' lots I couldn't tell; He sed, "he liardly knew jes what I'd better do, But girls like Lize would 'predate a hood or facinator, Or ennything that's kinder nice an' kinder useful too. Like stockin's, or them w*)olen mits, or else a nutmeg gratir." I swore, I spent a half a day a lookiu' through that store, An' sizin' up the cost of things, an' what to git for Lize, An' walked the legs clean off of me, a walkin' on that floor. An' not a blamed thing could I find that seemed to fill my eyes. An' jes as I was givin' up an' startin' for the mare Who stood a restin' on her legs an' never once had stirred, I seed a skillet on the wall, or somethin' hangin' there, An' yelled to Jeptha, "How'U that do," an' pinted to the bird, An'Jeptha come an' took it down, I tol' hini I would buy it, An' tied it up, I give the price he sed that they was takin' An' when the old folks went to bed, an' everything was' quiet HOW THE WIMEN VOTED IN DEESTRICK NUMBER EIGHT. 95 Aroun' the house, an' bout' the room, 'ceptin' me a shakin', i hauled my skillet out an' sez, sez I, sez I to Lizer: ^'Tomorrow will be C'rismus day an' here's a little present I got for you a C'rismus gif an' kinder a surpriser," An' she jes stood an' grinned at me, an' looked mos' awful pleasant. An' then she come' an leaned her head jes where my heart was bumpin', An' I scrooched down an' leaned my lipad—l don't remem- ber whether I sed a word, but mus' hev sed a word, I guess or som'- thin', *Cos she jes leanin' closer sed— "Let's fry our meat togeth- er." HOW THE WIMEN VOTED IN DEESTRICK NUM- BER EIGHT. Rinktum, rinktum, rinktum, but we have had a happy day, Wimen did the votin' and they had it all their way; Standin' at the votin' place, an' lookin' cross the lot, You could see the wimen comin' with horses on the trot ; An' some had took to walkin' — you could hear 'em half a mile, A whoopin' an' a shoutin' an' a singin' all the while. Why even Aunt Jemima, who's four score years an' seven 'Lowed votin' was another step that took her nearder heaven. She always favored wimen's rights an' thanked the Lord that He 9