PS 3505 .A857E8 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 00002^54763 . .^'^^.. " .-^ °^ v^ . ^■^^.■^UA/tJjL TTt-^VMju C379 397 EXTRACTS FROM AN UNBROKEN CORRESPONDENCE The Living are so stupid when they speak of the Others. Maurice Maeterlinck, The Blue Bird Published by Insurance Press, Inc. Boston, Mass. \n Copyright IQX6 Insurance Press, Inc. c^:^ DEC 28 1916 4457206 EXTRACTS FROM AN UNBROKEN CORRESPONDENCE As I take up the pen in the old familiar fashion, yet with what change in conditions, I am absolutely free from the thought that any message is passing from my mind to yours, that any reply will ever reach me, that the act has any validity whatsoever save that of affording a relief from insupportable tension. Let me then review the history of the weeks which have passed since the tidings of your death came, thus putting away from me by this act what I may not speak and addressing you as of old, simply out of habit. I was returning from a short sojourn in Manton Hills, where I had been seeing again the places frequented by us in our unthinking youth. Antici- pating your retlirn and our marriage at no remote period, I had revelled in reminders of the past and in suggestions of the future. As I had taken my way from one landmark to another, dwelling on the time when we should together revisit those scenes — not less eager but simply more comprehending than before — I had allowed myself to heap joy on joy. Something of this I was trying to express in a letter to you which I took with me unfinished to the train. Until the moment of collection for the foreign post I stood by the receptacle adding a few words which struggled to fuse time and space. Still in a maze of joyous anticipation, I mechani- cally took a proffered paper, which I carried un- opened. In the carriage, a fellow passenger asked to borrow the paper for a moment and as he handed it back, civily calling my attention to an item of impersonal interest, my eye fell on the fateful lines cabled the night before. A few moments later, on my own desk, I found a private dispatch con- firming the other. Our schoolbooks used to tell us of experiments with a mouse in a vacuum. I find that under circumstances not so very different, a human being may be constrained to keep on living. Memo- 4 randa show me that during the weeks which followed I met all my routine engagements, together with some popularly supposed to belong to recreation and pleasure. I fear that I sadly puzzled some un- suspecting friends by my inconsistent behaviour, and I know that I availed myself to the full of certain undefended creatures who so handily serve as absorbents for the acrid humours of the privileged. This mood was marked off by a letter from your son — like the gentleman he was born, the boy writes a good note — asking me to join a group of friends in the mortuary rite, day and hour being conditioned on the arrival of the foreign steamer. He added that the group would be small, owing to the fact that so many had not returned from the country and politely urged my attendance as that of an old and valued friend of the family. His mother had taught me to love honor more and I could accept this unconscious challenge in its own free spirit. The group was indeed small in number but it was great in friends. Besides those nearest you 5 by tie of blood were those scarcely less than kin through years of attachment. Dear L. was detained by illness but one did not need to ask from whose hand came the soft-hued flowers which parted the grass here and there. Good X. was there and his noble rival Y., each with his consort of course. It seemed to be a time of much preoccupation with the clergy for the office fell to a youth, hurried from the tennis field, I do not doubt. Oh that youth! I do not know what restrained my impious hand. As it was speech trod hard on the heels of thought in this mad fashion: "To make that gentleness, that grace before you, ages have given of their best and you cannot spare a moment, a cadence. Put off that garb which you will not grow up to in seven incarnations, get down to earth, and find out for yourself what it is to live." But as no one moved to take me into custody I infer that I kept up a fair show of propriety to the close. Your son was painfully unnerved for a time and the ever ready arm of H. was a welcome support. Yet, before we parted, I saw that grief would speedily 6 be put away as a garment at the close of the season. None the less the garment this time has the measure of a true man. As the moment of leave-taking approached, those of us who could claim no actual kinship withdrew into the background. I in my impersonal char- acter of family friend occupied myself with culling a few mortalia from a neighboring plot. Mesdames X. and Y. on the extreme limit of the group but not far from me, bulging against the declining day, were engaged in tearing to shreds that fiction of beauty which my less discriminating sex had so persistently woven about you. Absolute finality reached, the ladies turned to summon their re- spective lords with pointed reminders of the lateness of the hour and evening engagements. I have always noticed that after a committal, the flow of human feeling seems to take a fresh start and this case was no exception. The claims of old friendship were urged; there were pressing invitations to call, to dine, to do anything or everything, to bind together the common life 7 remaining, as if, thus strengthened it could delay the inevitable doom. The return to the warm pre- cincts of the cheerful day was duly acclaimed. With your beloved brother N. who had been deeply moved and still seemed badly broken up, the experience seemed to sharpen a naturally keen perception of the frailty of the body and the insist- ence of disease. He complained of the dampness, imperceptible to the rest, urged almost unseemly haste and rejoiced in the approach to pavements and sign-boards. At his request, I attended him to his rooms, where he waxed talkative on the sombre side. All his line for generations, stock and branch, it seemed, had yielded to over-mastering fate. I reminded him how exceedingly inconvenient it would be to have some of his predecessors still about, rallied him on his last escapade, and left him with good promise of a nap before dinner. Released, I drove quickly back over the route of the afternoon, dismissing my carriage at some distance from my destination. Now, I thought that I have met all the demands of this direful 8 day in that complete detachment to which con- ditions called me, now that I have discharged the life-long trust which she placed with me, if any- thought and expression remain to her, something from her will penetrate to me in this utter isolation and privacy. L.'s flowers in the grass still lifted their pale disks as if expectant and the cool of the evening seemed to bring out a perfume unnoticed before. But of you — nothing, nothing; not fineness of sound but utter silence. Instead of some consoling, some caressing influence, there came the shadow of age. I had never thought of time but as the vehicle of hope while you lived. Now, age leered and ogled and tottered before me, the jest of time. No, I was right. Do not contend. Death ends all — for all, even the just. Do you remember how we watched a wreath of mist thrown off from the flood as if by a supreme effort, laughing in light and color? For a moment that wreath of rain- 9 bows lived all but consciously with us. It is in- conceivable that those selfsame particles, together with that accident of light, should be reassembled. And shall the human life, you used to say, evolved from a mightier, subtler, more mysterious force be scarcely more permanent than a chance im- pulse of the torrent? But why should it? For the human life just as truly finds its value, its essence not in its length but in its relations and its intensity. The stream of time moves on, evolving new forms from new combination, never reproducing what it has passed by. Bound early in life by a marriage which had its source in the worldy ambition of those who should have protected you, to a degree that you did not realize at the time, how true you were to that tie! True? How you cherished it, idealized it, grieved over the manhood that might have been. How you taught your children to forgive if they could not respect their father. When the vigil ended 10 and others saw only an unhonored grave, you saw the life over which you had yearned, come into its own at last. How easy conquest would have been for you. Yet you scorned the very thought of it. You kept even friendship waiting at the door. Since I last wrote you, I have had a fruitless jaunt of some months. I had thought that I might gain in cathedral or gallery, from music or from scenery closely associated with you, a certain pleasurable warmth of memory which would dispel the clogging torpor of my spirit. But the moment which I sought always fled before me and now I 11 realize that I am not to know it. In a few days I shall be on my homeward voyage, counting the hours between me and activity, drudgery, anything save this futility. But the homelier setting, the merely human relation yields far more generously. Again from the old garden seat — a book in my hand, perhaps — I see you at the low farmhouse window intent on some gay sewing to put the grim sitting room out of conceit with itself that very night. The children, sated with play, crowd around you invading your ocean of roses and castles, and peacocks. You hold them adroitly in check without stopping your needle. And the night after the accident at G., your resource, your touch. You, who might have been the centre of a gay salon. 12 Suppose the hymnist's heaven were realized and I permitted to gaze upon you now and then under your halo through endless years. What would that be to me? Rather memory and your hat with the roses, the one that you didn't like to wear, you know. When I wrote you just before sailing I did not make a clean breast of it. I did not admit my mental conflict in regard to Griese. From the first I had taken for granted that I should not give myself the needless pain of visiting the place where I last saw you, the place which had stood for the beginning only to usher in the end. But Griese did not let me go so easily. The whole continent seemed to be daring me to buy a ticket for Griese. At last, only three days before the sailing of the steamer, I picked up the gauntlet. It turned out that poor silly Griese had sold herself to cheap money and the throng with which 13 that is current. Everything was changed. The very stones had lost their character. Memory decHned to bless this tawdry shrine. I resolved to depart early in the morning, leaving a margin of one train for the steamer. After wretched hours of wakefulness, I fell into sleep toward morning from which I awoke with a new thought in a clear and competent mind. Before me was the vision of the sitting room, now so degraded, but then as you made it ; yourself at the table before your travelling writing case, your face wearing an expression of much concern as you spoke of an old school friend, probably in great need, whose circumstances you hoped to relieve on your return to America. I see again the movement of your hand — good God — your fingers, each one living, sentient to the very rim of the nail, as you tucked away in some recess a letter or slip evidently relating to this purpose. I was too selfishly happy at the time to take cognizance of any extraneous details of name or place or to understand how any one could be down in luck. To recover the paper, perhaps a mere 14 memorandum, would probably prove an Impossible task even if I cared to undertake it. But recover the address I must. By delaying until the second train I made space for another visit to the old sites, including the sitting room, hoping that association would help me out, but to no purpose. On the train all was excitement as most of my fellow passengers were like myself racing with the ship, but even then I noted a persistent turn of my mind toward the last third of the alphabet, and a dawning suggestion of something geological in the name of the town. On the deck, at last I took up the alphabet systematically, making lists of surnames, beginning with each letter, studying the ship's lists and every other form of literature accessible for suggestions, — starting at my task early in the morning and keeping at it until late in the evening, but no letter and no name gave the clue. This afternoon just as I was applying myself anew to the middle of the alphabet, a steward brought me a note which asked me to grant a few minutes to the sons of an old acquaintance 15 who were fellow passengers and had discovered my identity. I had previously noticed these two prepossessing young men, not suspecting the relation and at another time should have been delighted to see them. As it was I assented grudgingly enough. The eagerness of my new acquaintances to know more of their father's youth made an excuse for reminiscence. We found, too, that an old tutor of mine had been a senior classical professor in their recent college days and we gleefully reviewed the traits known to me in the grub and persisting in the scarab. I parted from them rather late in the evening and emerging somewhat from my holiday mood found my consciousness suddenly impaled by a horizontal line rather more than half an inch long with something — a letter at the end of it. The worn page in my Latin grammar— the only thing that one ever really learns — came before me and I saw my letter, at the end of the row of liquids —r. You remember that the first three /, m, n, went glibly enough and then there was that straggler at the end to be cuffed and pounded into line. I 16 never dreamed that I should live to speak a good word for him. Methinks, the whole surname is mine now. When I wrote you last evening, I little expected to be able to report so soon another triumph as it were conferred upon me. As I told you before, the place had a geological suggestion about it and this has taken me through all the ship's literature again, including descriptions of scenery, which had the sole virtue of making the rest of the novel seem lively by comparison. Since I felt sure that when I should take down a long unused treatise on Geology I should find my town, I decided for this last day before land would be sighted to give myself up to the fascination of the sea thus far ignored. In this equipoise I sat looking out over the waste before me. My mind drifted toward lesser landlocked waters and the phenomena of inland saltiness, and all at once I had my word— Elton of course. I shall verify this suggestion by recourse to that 17 selfsame book as soon as I land, and then if I am right, I shall make a journey to Elton, taking the most probable from a long list of competitors. Felicitations? The thing is done. An output of superadded signs, all finely weathered, guided me into the presence of the local depositary of life, death, and mortgages throughout Elton and the country side. After half an hour's chat, I saw that my new ac- quaintance had the faculty of speech and of silence in equal degree. I had found my man and indeed my woman, though I verified the latter theory for myself and actually recognized in a drooping figure moving aimlessly about a decaying home place, the somewhat defaced negative of a pink and gold member of a terrifying group of school friends, by which I found you surrounded once when I went up to pay my youthful devoirs at T. As the train hurried homeward, cleaving the hills and bearing down into the sunset, I experienced a 18 lightness of heart which I had not expected to know again. With the return to familiar mutely remind- ing objects, with nightfall, with loss of the stimulus afforded by my task now completed, void and dark- ness have settled down upon me again. Yet now and then a rift as a moment ago when I read the letter of acknov/ledgment forwarded by my accom- plice in Elton, addressed in hand writing not badly off the original pink and gold, "To My Unknown Benefactor." A new role for me. Don't tell me for Heaven's sake that I have bungled it. Again the young grain is a billowing mist upon your hills. The air is vibrant with life. Perfume puts forth its insistent reminder. How is it that you are out of all this? In this thronging grass are sounds beyond the compass of my ear. Perhaps there are scents so fine that they escape me. Has the mind also its unsuspected limits? Is what I call loss, void but my own impact against these barriers to apprehen- 19 sion? Am I to die and to pass into dust with the gamut incomplete? Remembering your constant sohcitude regarding your brother, I have made it my habit to look in upon from time to time. Of. late I have noticed a lowering of tone evinced both in the step and in the eye, and was hardly surprised to learn of his serious illness just as I was going out of town for a couple of days in response to an urgent call. On my return I found him indeed very ill from a sudden stroke. He talked with some difficulty yet with perfect coherency. For the first time in years N. had nothing to say about shattered health or insistent mortality. He seemed to avoid these topics and to dwell on those of wider interest and more cheerful character. I asked him of course what I could do for him and he directed me to a compartment in his open desk from which I took a parcel of papers folded and labelled with a care of which I had not thought N. capable. As I returned 20 to his bedside he asked me to read from the file, beginning with first member. I was astonished to find that I had in my hand a package of your letters to N. extending from the days of youth to the maturity of lives widely differing, yet indissolubly united in the family bond. The thought of reading these letters aloud was overwhelming but — com- mend me, my saint, for this time I really deserve it — after getting myself in hand under pretence of adjusting the light, I began as N. had directed and read one letter after the other, all so free from yourself and therein so revealing yourself. When- ever I gave sign of stopping with the fear that the excitement might be too much for N., the look in his face constrained me to go on. At last, I really did stop — perhaps because we had both become so thoughtful that words, even from those pages, seemed out of place. After I had read a letter or two, N. reached out the arm which he could use and rested it on my shoulder. Gradually, his hand slipped down to my hand and we sat together like two school girls, lost in recollection, silent, 21 and yet not sad. A strange impulse came over me in the presence of one so soon to pass from out the known and visible and I do not know what folly I might have uttered had not the doctor entered, smug and brisk, at the critical moment bringing my mood and my visit to an end. But you know what I would have said. I called again the next morning. There was still breath but the lifelong companion of breath had gone about his own business and had no sign for neighbor or friend. And so N. with his pills and powders and poses, N. too had a lantern under his coat. I am beginning to think that it never does to decline to take any body seriously. And what about some of my other theories? Ah, forbear, it is not like you to follow up an advantage so mercilessly. 22 The last rite for N. took me to-day to that spot which I left with anguish one autumn evening ten years ago. All that I then apprehended had been worked out in the shuddering flesh, but mingling with and almost surmounting the sense of pain came the sense of the increased dimensions of experience. It was as if you and I had moved an infinite distance from that spot and its immediate associations, not by the same road and yet not apart. The lettering before me seemed remote, I could almost say strangely futile. The obverse of that field of sleep, the struggling, aspiring world outside seemed more related to you. I shall never go so far from you again. True to the ancient friendship, your son A. came to see me to-day to announce his engagement. It seems that he has been engaged for a long time to a nice girl but they have not been able to marry owing to A.'s responsibilities in life of which I do not doubt that charges for poor H. form a large part. 23 Why did I not know about these things before? Why did not A. tell me? Why did you not tell me? (Pray consider this last scrupulously erased. I could hardly be less rational just now if I were going to marry the girl myself.) The wedding cards will be out within a fortnight. Since I last wrote you, I have had the first long illness of my life. I seemed to be seeking you through crowded streets, winding passages, parched desert and arctic ice— heroic hospitar methods kindly supplying the last feature — but always in vain after the manner of dreams. At last came something so different in character. I did not recognize the place. We seemed to be a little apart from each other, not far from others but yet by ourselves. I have often tried to think what you wore. In your expressio'n was a sweet seriousness, one with the brooding calm which shut us in. I 24 only know that I felt without surprise that all questions had been answered, that all doubts had been removed, that peace rested on all we had and were. These were but the vagaries of a sick man. But in some way they seem so compelling, and so permanent that I cannot forbear writing of them. My convalescence, beginning in the early spring has kept pace with the advancing season. For the first time since childhood I have allowed spring and summer to have their own way with me. Never since tender years have I been so grinned at through the tree tops. Never have I scared up so many dryads and hamadryads. Through all I have been conscious of a diffused sense not perhaps of your presence but of yourself. If I have not written frequently of late it is because I have felt moved to write only somewhat like this: "It is to-day as it was yesterday, only more positive, more delight- ful;" or "To-day has been so good. Dare I hope that to-morrow will be like it?" All this is of course 25 but the experience of an invalid awaking to life again after the depletion of illness and abandoned to the seclusion of his state. You know I often used to tell you in times of perfect attunement of earth and air and pushing life, that to be resolved into nature (meaning in the right company of course) would be no hard fate. It is as if I felt the first stir of the transformation! Luckily autumn is hurrying on to put a stop to these flights. The pipers have ceased. The flags are furled. Summer has gone. I write by the fire in my quiet room. Yet still that pervading sense as if your life current were mingling with mine. I might have known that my watchful opponent would score a point for that "spiritual body" which she has often so eloquently urged. Evidently the 26 points of my armor must be tightened up as for serious business. Here's X in affliction at last, poor fellow, and sends for me. And since last evening I have been undergoing one of my attacks of buoyancy (None of those celestial airs if you please. My habits remain irreproachable) of buoyancy, I say. Such as a man has a right to when the influenza has begun to thaw out of his joints a bit. Nevertheless I must screw myself together and go. Dear old Y.'s relict was there in a camel-load of crape and with grief torrential, exerting such a pressure that our truly bereaved X. rose to positive vivacity. Do not be alarmed. You will not have Mrs. X. with you for keeps just yet. She will be sure to have forgotten something and come back. 27 Feeling rather out of sorts the other day I con- sulted Dr. H. Professional gratification came writhing up through sympathy as he told me that he found in my condition a sad confirmation of a theory he had formed at the time of my illness. Once more a little pin bores through the castle wall. Think of it, — that great bastion of a fellow you used to know. I have set things to rights, put a cup in the mouth of a sack here and there, notably in A. 's, and now I shall have nothing to do but write to you as long as I live. And what then? O madam, madam, I sometimes think that you, even you are just a bit nagging. Well, my dear, have your way. It's inseparable from you. We will declare a truce for the brief remainder of my span. Besides I am under bonds not to get into excitement or controversy. 28 I have just returned from a Christmas frolic at your son's. A. is the same fine fellow as ever but I have always shrunk from his hospitalities. The fact is that his oldest little girl has a halfway resem- blance to you which I have not been able to meet* Frequently I have turned away from her as if in rebuke. But this time I resolved to go and to play fair. After the other guests had gone I drew the little girl up to me and fastened to her necklace that miniature of yourself made in Paris which no one save ourselves has seen since it left the artist's hands. By the way, the young fellow — der Geistliche — of that dreadful afternoon so distant in years yet so near the quick forever, was at the party. They are going to make him something very high up. Everybody was congratulating him and after the first shock of contact I joined in, layers below lay- man as 1 am. He cannot get too much experience. 29 Glorious days and I still shamble forth. Not an exaggeration altogether, madam. I do shamble a little now. But do not fear for yourself. You are just as trim and free of step as ever, companion of my — senile? — fancy. And how you set off those new furs I have just chosen for you —quite the thing, I am assured. A.'s boys visit me almost daily, bringing their exploits and penalties; also their toys and pets. My cherished tomes are displaced and smart nags and cars look out from their improvised stalls. I manage to keep one chair by sitting in it. As for my dignity, I have forgotten what it was like. A mangy cur brought in from the street knows where some of it went. Called out of my library for a moment this morning I found on returning that my chair had been commandeered as an automobile. Appro- 30 priately it became disabled and was towed off at an early stage of the game leaving me without a prop. The nurse coming to convoy the homeward trip brought in her arms the baby, a mallet-headed little chub. (My esteemed correspondent once critical but now nothing if not a grandmother probably thinks him a beauty.) He is as yet bald and speechless, but he eyes me as if only biding his time. It is evidently the part of prudence to vacate a position which I cannot expect to hold much longer. I lay down my pen to go to the window. It's a wild night with every promise of a long storm. I fear those poor little beggars will not get out of the nursery to-morrow. Let me tell you while there is yet time how much A. reminds me of Richard in happy ways. All traits of the father which were lovable, all sugges- tions of strength are in the son graven in deeper 31 lines and massed into character. The charm that we knew reappears — and stays. I know that this will please you. I have a curious feeling as if I had died somewhere along back. Floored, but will write soon. Think of me as in no pain. "And waved along the vault her kindled brand." It flickers — it clouds— it tarries — it emerges — it stays— it glows — it is. They thought that I was dying yesterday. They little dream how much I am alive. My hand — They have put the pen back into my hand. As if we needed it I 32 fun ^ "•. % .n* ..".. •?•-, ** A.V ... % ** ."-J.;' ^K^ f^^^^S^K/^o ^i^ S^ * Deacidified using the Bookkeeper proces M O vi> 9 *» Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide ^.V*^ o ' Treatment Date: Sept. 2009 ^ -^^^^ "^ '<$*^ ^ PreservationTechnologie **Q J^ ,. , , *^ A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATK '' O -I'o' J^* jYT^ f *J 111 Thomson Park Drive Cranberry Township, PA 1 1*^ N. MANCHESTER, INDIANA 46962