635 62 y 1 NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. B7\hER'3 Edition or PLnY3 THE GRANGER COPYRIGHT, 1889, BY WALT6R H. BAKER & CO. piays for /Amateur 5t?eatrieals. BV GEORGE T^Z. BKKEF2, j Author of "Amateur Dramas," "The Mimic Stage!' "The Social Stage," "The Drawing' Room Stage" "Handy Dramas" "The Exhibition Dramas" "A Baker's Dozen" etc, I Titles in tliis Type are New Plays. Titles in this Type are Temperance Plays, i DRAMAS. In Four A cis. Better than Oold. 7 male, 4 female char ..25 In Three Acts. Onr Folks. 6 male, 5 female char. . 15 The Flower of the Family. 5 male, 3 female char 15 Enlisted for the War. 7 male, 3 fe- male char 15 My Brother's Keeper, 5 male, 3 fe- male char 15 TUe Idtt/e Urown Jug. 5 male, 3 female char. ....,.•«. 15 In Two Acts. Above the CloadA. 7 male, 3 female char. . 15 One Hundred Tears Ag^o. 7 male, 4 female char 15 Among the Breakers. 6 male, 4 female char. 15 Bread on the Waters. 5 male, 3 female char 15 Down by the Sea. 6 male, 3 female char. 15 Once on a Time. 4 male, 2 female char. 15 The Last Ijoaf. 5 male, 3 female char. 15 In One Act. Stand by the Flag. 5 male char. . . 15 The Tempter. 3 male, i female char. 15 COMEDIES AND FARCES. A. Mysterious Disappearance. 4 male, 3 female char 15 Paddle Tour Own Canoe. 7 male 3 female char. . , IS A. Drop too Much. 4 male, > female char 15 A. lAttle More Cider, % male, 3 fe- male char 15 A Thorn Among the Roses. 2 male, 6 female char 15 Nevkr .Say Die. 3 male, 3 female char. 15 Seeing the Elephant. 6 male, 3 female char 15 The Boston Dip. 4 male, 3 female char. 15 The Duchess of Dublin. 6 male, 4 fe- male char 'S Thirty Minutes for Refreshments. 4 male, 3 female char " *5 We're all Teetotalers. 4 male, 2 fe- male char. »S Male Characters Only. A Close Shavk. 6 char • • J5 A Public Benefactor. 6 char. ... 15 A Sea op Troubles. 8 char 15 WALTER H. BAKER & CO. COMEDIES, etc., continued. Male Characters Only. i A Tender Attachment. 7 char. . . Ij'S Coals OF Fire. 6 char. ...... 'S Freedom of the Press. 8 char. ... '5 Shall Our Mothers Votf? 11 char. 15 Gentlemen OF THE Jury. 12 char. . . 'S Humors of the Strike. 8 char. . . . >? My Uncle the Captain. 6 char. . . . "S New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. . »S The Great Elixir. 9 char IS Thk Hypochondriac. 3 char '5 The Man with the Demijohn. 4 char ..'....'S The Runaways. 4 char 'S The Thief OF Time. 6 char xs Wanted, a Male Cook. 4 char. ... 15 Female Characters Only. A Love of a Bonnet. 5 char 'S A Precious Pickle. 6 char «S No Cure No Pay. 7 char 'S The Champion of Her Sbx. 8 char. . iS The Greatest Plague IN Life. 8 char. »S The Grecian Bend. 7 char 'S The Red Chignon. 6 char '5 Using the Weed. 7 char ALLZGORIES. Arranged/or Music and Tableaux, Lighthart's Pilgrimage. 8 female f char 15 The Revolt of the Bees. 9 female char. 15 The Sculptor's Triumph, i male. 4 fe- male char 15 The Tournament of Idylcourt. 10 fe-| male char J 15 The War OF the Roses. 8 female char./ 15 The Voyage of Life. 8 female char. . 15 MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC An Original Idea, t male, i femal Bonbons; or, the Paint King. 6 male I female char 2<; Capuletta; or, Romeo and Juliet 15 Restored. 3 male, i female char. • 15 Santa Claus' Frolics 15 Snow-bound; or, Alonzo the Bravr4 AND THE Fair Imogene. 3 male, female char 4 *S The Merry Christmas of the Oli Woman who Lived in a Shob< The Pkdler of Very Nice. 7 mal char The Seven Ages. A Tableau Entertain ment. Numerous male and female char . 15 Too Late for the Train. 2 male chaj •. 15 The Visions of Freedom, ii femai char. 23 Winlfer St„ Boston. M, THE GRANGER OR CAUGHT IN HIS OWN TRAP Ji ^iniuulvi in ^hvj^c ^jcts BY / DAVID HILL AUTHOR OF " FORCED TO THE WAR," " OUT OF HIS SPHERE," " BOUND BY AN OATH," " PLACER GOLD," ETC. 5il5.o CHARACTERS. JOHN HAYMAKER . A wealthy Maine farmer, land owner, etc., k}iown as " The Granger " CALEB GUSHING . . Country farmer and neighbor to Haytnaker RICHARD MASON Minnie's lover ISAAC GREENLY Haymaker's house servant NEWSBOY. BOOTBLACK. POLICEMAN. BARKEEPER. THREE BUNCO MEN. LOAFERS, Etc. MARTHA HAYMAKER .... John Haymaker's wife MINNIE HAYMAKER .... John Haymaker's daughter PROPERTIES. ACT I. ScENK I. — Gun, g-ame-bag, and crow for Richard. Scene 2. — Gun and game-ban:. • Scene 3. — Furniture for sitting-room. Old-fashioned valise, containing wig, farmer's frock, cowhide boots, broad-brimmed hat, etc., for an old- fashioned farmer. Also, two steel traps with long silverplated cliains attached to ring which goes around neck and under coat collar. ACT II. Scene i . — Stool, blacking and brush for bootblack. Papers for newsboy. Check for bunco men; and same properties for Haymaker as m Act 1., Scene 3. Scene 2. — Bar, glasses, bottles, decanter, etc. Disguises for Minnie and Richard. Valise for Haymaker. Scene 3. — Table with dishes, coffee-pot, food, paper containing powder, etc. False face, sign, books, valise, etc. ACT III. Scene 2. — Same as in Act I. Scene 3. — Disguises tor Richard and Minnie. Copyright, 1890, by Walter H. Baker & Co. SYNOPSIS. ACT I. Scene I. — Highway. Agriculture discussed. Farming a trade. "It takes more good, sound, common sense to run a farm successfully than it does a national bank." Steel traps. How to catch pickpockets. A good shot. Evolution. Gushing not to be convinced. " I won't believe that I originated from a monkey, although I may bear a slrikin' resem- blance tu one." Isaac as an informer. Hard to hear. " IMeaster Hay- maker, dom it! woolye stop that dinging and come here?" SCEN'E II. — Highway. Tlie lovers. Philopened. The penalty two kisses. Caught in tlie ac:. " Well, young man, when 3'fni are satisfied, please give me your attention." Wager between Richard and Haj'maker. " I will wager that you will be outwitted at your own game inside of a month; and your daughter's hand shall pay the penalty if I win." " And if you lose? " " If I lose, I will never trouble you or your daugh- ter again." The acceptance. Scene III. — Interior of Haymaker's house. Haymaker's peculiarities discussed. Richard unfolds his plan to Mrs. Haymaker and Minnie. They join him in the plot to outwit Haymaker. Oft to the city. ACT 11. Scene I. — City street. Haymaker disguised as a "Granger." Lots of fun. Taken for a greenhorn. New kind of game. Baiting the trap. How the pickpockets were caught. " Feel at this moment jest like speakin' in meetin', don't ye? " Held in tow. Off to the " tavern." Scene II. — City liar-room. How Haymaker fooled the crowd. Releasing the pickpockets. Parting advice. " When you pick up another Granger on the street, don't take him for a pumpkin until you have tested the rind." How tlie traps were worked. Tough yarns. Richard and Minnie disguised as musicians. The song. Charity. " A few pennies, please." Evolution. " Yengster, jest lead the way tu them there books." Scene HI. — floom in tenement house. Haymaker argues upon evolution. The supper. Second argument. The drugged coffee. Haymaker- falls asleep. Richard happy. " Hurrah! we together have outwitted John Haymaker." How tlie' joke was carried out. The false face and sign. Minnie's keepsake. Haymaker caught in his own traps. ACT III. .Scene I. — Country highway. Meeting between Haymaker and Gushing. Haymaker ugly. "You're an old, meddlesome, wizzled, knock-kneed, and dried-up jackass." Gushing astonished. " Wa'all, I swow ! I'll be biowed if I ever seed Haymaker like that afore." ScENii II. — Room in Haymaker's house same as in Act I. Waiting for Haymaker. "O, my! tliere is father coming now." Crestfallen but spunky. Haymaker's explanation. His admiration for those who outwitted him. " If they would confess, I would give them a tliousand dollars and a position 'for life." Taken at his word. Richard and Minnie again disgui.se and appear before Haymaker as in the city. The song. Haymaker dumfounded. " Well, it's beginning to dawn upon me that I'm a confounded old fool." Fulfilling the contract. Haymaker's closing words. " Though I still advocate the theory of evolution, and am still willing to sustain my sentiments at all times and places, it never again shall be the principal tool to catch John Haymaker in his own trap." THE GRANGER. ACT I. Scene I. — A field with high fence running across stage down centre. Landscape in the distance representiitg the White Mountains. A path entei's L. I. E., and off R. Time, 7norning. As curtain rises, John Haymaker, who is in front of fence, is seen conversing with Caleb CUSHING, who is upon opposite side. Caleb. Wa'all, I s'pose I might ez well own right up that the fault is mine. Howsumever, I never wern'tgood for nuthin' else, so tuk tu farmin'. Haymaker, Hold on, Caleb, hold on right there. It takes more good, sound, common sense to run a farm successfully than it does a national bank. The remark, " He is fit for nothing only a farmer," is idiotic. It means, the way it is applied, that a man who is good for nothing else, can run a farm. I say he can't. Say ! look here ; who make the best generals ? Men who have attended a military school, and who have had experience in the field. Who make the best sea-captains ? Men who have studied the chart, the stars, the currents of the ocean, and who have worked before the mast. Who make the best farmers ? I will answer that too. Men who have studied the soil, the growth of plants, nature of grasses ; what soil is best adapted for certain seeds ; when to sow and when to reap ; and who are posted in the markets and the value of their products. Isn't farming a trade, Caleb ? Caleb. It may be, John. I know we started in life with about the same amount o' capital, an' bought farms jinin' each other; but while I've got all the chaff an' stubble, you've reaped the fat o' the land, live well, an' look purty considerable hale an' hearty. Hay. Weigh two hundred pounds, Caleb, before dinner. Look at me now. Strong and robust, muscles like iron, form well knit and put together, and a pretty fair sample of 6 THE GRANGER, the typical down-east farmer. Ain't I, though ? {^Showing hi7n self off.) Look me over and see. Now, Caleb, do you want to know why I have succeeded ? Caleb. Wa'all, 1 don't mind a-listenin', John, seein' ez how you are willin' tu tell me. Hay. Very well. You remember when we attended school together ? Caleb. Remember? Crackee ! kin I forget the happiest days o' my life? Why, them times are fastened on tu my mind jest like bark on tu a tree. I couldn't forget 'em if I would. Hay. Well, what did you learn ? When our school- days were finished, I had mastered a thorough business education, and you — well — er — er — where were you, Caleb ? Caleb (^scratching his head). Wa'all, near ez I kin cakerlate, I wus a-hangin' around addition purty nigh tu where I started. Hay. Exactly. Well, with my education finished, I served an apprenticeship of three years with an experienced farmer. You worked around at odd jobs. We bought farms adjoining ; same number of acres, same quality of soil ; in fact, no choice between them. What has been the result ? Caleb. Purty nigh all my land has jined partnership with yourn, an' the rest is plastered all over with a mort- gage. Hay. Correct again. You have run your farm as you did your studies. That is, without thought or calculation. I'll bet you don't know the market value of butter to-da}', Caleb. No need on't, John, seein' ez how one cow is farrer, an' t'other one is purty nigh on tu being dry. Hay. Correct once more. Well, from the moment I got the deed of my farm I went to work to improve it. I systematized my work ; repaired and improved ; made every moment count; read agricultural papers; watched the march of enterprise ; grasped at new ideas ; kept posted in the market — Caleb. An' sold everything for cash, an' at the highest price. Hay. I did, Caleb, and seldom waited for a rise. Why, some nien hold an article for an extra cent until they lose ten. Hold potatoes at eighty cents for eighty-five, and then sell at fifty. Keep new hops until they are old, and then sell for second quality. Butter the same, and also eggs. Now I always take the market price and let her slide. To- daj, Caleb, I am one of the largest land-owners in Maine, THE GRANGER. 7 Have money in bonds, at interest, and in the banks. Look here ! {Takes rolls of money from his different pockets^ I carry it all about me — rolls of it. It don't make me penu- rious, either. 1 believe in being both generous and accom- modating. I enjoy pleasures, too ; pleasures to my own liking. Why, in the cities I dress odd, appear green, am called a Granger, a hayseed, and all that, and then, at the proper moment, I haul out this roll of bills and see them stare. Ha ! ha ! ha ! I like to see them stare, Caleb. Caleb. I've heerd ye joke over your exploits a heap o' times, John ; but I cakerlate some time you'll get cum up with. Money scattered around loosely is a mighty temptation, an' some one'll steal it sometime when you don't know it. Hay. Ha ! ha ! ha ! catch John Haymaker napping, eh 1 I guess not. I'm used to the ways of thieves and pick- pockets, and I love to tempt them. Ever noticed those chains of mine ? Caleb. Them two big silver ones ez you sometimes wear around your neck ? Yes, I've seen 'em a heap o' times. Hay. Well, attached to those chains are two steel traps. Those traps are set and placed in my outside pockets. I show rolls of money to a crowd, jam it into false pockets in the ones containing the traps, grow careless, and then wait the results. Ha ! ha ! I give pickpockets all the chance they want, Caleb, all the chance they want, Caleb. Yes : but you'll get cum up with some time, or Caleb Cushing is no prophet. Hay. Oh, I've travelled, Caleb, and am familiar with crooks of all descriptions. I go to Boston to-night. That puts me in mind of an incident that happened the last time I was there. I was walking along Tremont Street in the evening, when all of a sudden I heard the whir-r-r-r-r of an electric burglar's alarm. I rushed down the street, and had just got opposite tlie block, when — {Gun heard off L., and dead crow falls from above, hitting Haymaker on the head.') Thunder ! (Richard runs in from L.) Look here, young man, do you handle all weapons in like careless manner .-* Richard. Beg pardon, sir ; the gun was pointed up, not down. The charge went several feet above you. Hay. Yes : but I might as well be shot to death as knocked in the head. It is only a matter of taste. Then," again, shooting crows is bad business. Rich. I always considered it a blessing to destroy as jnany crows as possibly. 5 THE GRANGER. Hay. a wrono; idea. Ever examine the crop of a crow that had haunted a corn-field? I have. To one kernel of corn were eleven wire-worms. Wire-worms destroy more corn in- one season than all the crows that visit the field. I tell you, the crow is the farmer's friend, but the farmer don't realize it. Caleb. Wa'all, I'll be blowed if you ain't the fust pusson I ever see'd ez ud argefy for a crow. You kin hev 'em, ■John, hev 'em all, an' I'll cling to the worms. Anyhow, that vvus a purty good shot, seein' ez how the bird was piirty well up. Rich. Half the credit is due to the gun. A good gun, with quick, true aim, should wing game at a long distance. Give me a bird well up and rocketing over upon the wind : no fun to bag a fowl on the roost. Good-day, gentlemen, I will remove the dead from the field. (J^icks tip crow and exit R. I. E.) Caleb. Purty bright young man, John. An ornament to the bank in which he works, an' a good match for your darter. Hay. No, sir ; far from it. The influence that places a man in position, does not always qualify him for the position he holds. The young man is bright, witty, intelligent, and honest: no doubt about that. Still, his habits are not formed. He prefers sporting to filling out checks ; racing the woods to keeping book accounts. Give me a farmer with rough hands and a business brain in place of a bank- clerk with a white tie and fickle disposition. I oppose the match because the young man is unsettled in his habits. Caleb. Wa'all, it's purty evident he's settled on one thing ; an' that is, he's in love with your darter. An' I'll be bound he'll hev her, banks or no banks. Hay. Not if I can avoid it. I forbade him tlie house the last time he was there. If he disobeys my command, he shall find out that the word of John Haymaker is law. Caleb. An' the result will be purty nigh on tu the same ez in your own case years ago. I kin remember when your wife wus let out of a tu-story winder with a rope ; an' a chase through one town an' tu counties didn't bring her back, either. Hay. Well, well, the case was different, entirely diflferent. Caleb. Wa'all, I can't arge with ye, 'cause I ain't smart enough ; but if I wus tu arge, I should say you wus ez sot on the matter ez on some others. You sorter behave, ye know, that man sprung from monkeys. Believe it tu sech an extent, that, when you get tu going, tu judges and a Meth- odist minister couldn't stop ye or change your opinion, THE GRAXGKU. 9 Hay. Just so. Why ? Because I am correct. Evolu- tion is a rock upon which many a man has split ; but with me, it is a foundation upon which I remain steadfast and immovable. I believe in it. Caleb. Wa'all, that may be all right for you ; but it cums no cluseT tu me than the stone did which Mrs. Peasley threw at the dog. I ain't proud 'cause I ain't. Still, I don't want no monkey a-shoutin' from the top of some hand-organ, an' a-savin,' '■ But for me, what would humanity hev been ? " "It wouldn't sot well, John. Hay. And why? Because you have not looked at the matter critically. You, no doubt, believe with the North- landers, that man was formed from a piece of wood found floating on the sea; or like Hesiod, that he sprung from a race of giants ; or Anaximander, that he was engendered from beings of a different form ; or Anaxagoras, that he originated from the fecundation of the earth. Perhaps you beHeve with Nason, that — • ^Caleb. H-h-hold on, John. You're a-gettin' me ez mud- dled as a pig wound up in a hoop-skirt. Blest if I know one of them fellers you've mentioned. Never met 'em anywheres. Anyhow, they kin think jest what they please, an' I'll du the same. Now I believe that man originated jest ez is laid down in the fust chapters of Genesis ; an' if it hadn't a-been for Eve an' that pesky old sarpint, I'm a-thinkin' we should be jest a-wadin' in milk an' honey tu-day, an' ez happy ez a clam in its native element. Hay. That biblical theory, Caleb, can't be proved. It is overruled by science ; overruled by geology ; and overruled by observation and inquiry. {Enter Isaac, r. i e. He should be a little, tliin, wrinkled old man, with squeaky voice and red hair.) Science has traced m.an back through innu- merable ages, far beyond the period of Genesis, and from the beginning down has found him developing according to the established rules of evolution. Isaac {speaking r. i e.). Measter Haymaker. Hay. {not hearing). Even to-day the relation existing between man, reptiles, birds, and animals is still discernible. Man and the lower brutes are frequently excited by the same emotions ; while all animals show a power of reasoning that is truly wonderful. Isaac {louder). I say, Measter Haymaker! Hay. {not heeding). Tliere also is a wonderful affinity existing between man and plants. Plants, like man, are affected by light and darkness ; sleep at night : subsist, at least many of them, upon animal food; and in some cases are possessed with the powers of digestion. 10 THE GRANGER. Isaac {still louder). Measter Haymaker, woolye be quiet and come here ? Hay. {continuing). Dive into the carbonif — Caleb {ijtterrtipting). John, Isaac is a-shoutin' tu ye like murder. Hay. {turning upon Isaac sharply). What the devil do you want .'' Isaac. Dom it, mon ! I want thee to come here — that's wiiat a' want. Hay. {crossitig to Isaac). Well, now explain why you have left the house without orders. Isaac. Ees, zur ; I will do that vor zartain. Here ! I do be getten at it thic way — at your zarvice. When cows ha' gotten into the corn, thee would drive them out — wouldn't thee, now ? Hay. Well ! Isaac. If thee vi^ere a flagman, and zaw two trains in a tightest place — meeting on the zame track, as 'twur, what would thee do, now, zay ? Hay. Why, swing a red flag, of course. Isaac. Woo'ee do that, though ? Zure enough. Well, there be not much difference between two trains and Meastress Minnie and Measter Richard. Hay. What are you trying to explain ? Isaac. Dang it! thee be dull as a hoe. Didn't I zee Measter Richard go down the path i' thic way ? {Pointing it out on the palm of his hand.) And didn't I zee Meas- tress Minnie coming up from the house i' thic way .'' And — Well, thee would know the result like I, wouldn't thee, now ? Hay. Aha ! obeying my orders, eh ? Good enough ! Here ! you take the path around the hill to the right, and I will swing around to the left. By this means we shall not miss them where the two paths branch off. If you find them on your side, cross over and inform me. Caleb, we will finish that argument at another time. {Exit R. i E.) Caleb. Isaac, my advice is, not tu see too much unless you can't help it. Isaac. A' knows that zecret by heart, zur. There be an understanding between us — Meastress Minnie and mysel, d'ye zee .'' Eef there be things before {pointing toward L.) as I shouldn't be zeeing — why, drabbit it! I whiztles a bit, then turns I around so {faces R.), and dom the thing do I know what happens, Good-by, zur. {Exit R. i E. as ^cene closes in.) THE GRANGER,' II Scene II. — Highway. Minnie and Richard discovered. Richard. And you saw me coming over the hill ? Minnie. Over the hill, Richard ; and knowing you were prohibited from visiting the house, I caught up my hat and rushed down the path to meet you. Rich; Which shows you are a girl of good taste. Do you know, I made a desperate shot over yonder ? Mm. Nothing dangerous, I hope .'' Rich. Oh, no, only to myself I dropped a crow on the wing up where the choke-cherry bushes entangle the fence. Rushing out to intercept it, I nearly fell into your father's arms, while the crow took him squarely on top of the head. I was not aware of his presence until the gun was dis- charged. MiN. What did he say ? Rich. Oh, he set me up for a minute, then, with Caleb for a listener, branched out into a lecture on crowolog}-, during which I very gracefully bowed myself out of his presence. MiN. Caleb was there, then .'' Rich. Yes ; they were talking across the line fence just — well, just as we should over the garden gate, you know. Confound it ! I am not of much value in the eyes of your father, am I .'' However, I may take a rise sometime, and then — MiN. And then? Rich. I may be of more value in the eyes of his daughter. ■ Mm. Oh, Richard, you know I overestimate you already. No, no, I don't mean that. I mean — Rich. Ha ! ha ! a true confession at last. Oh, don't try to change it, or you will only make it worse. Here ! hold this game-bag a moment while I weigh the import of your words. {Js\\^^\K takes game-bag.^ Philopene ! Mm. {dropping bag). Oh, how mean ! There ! I will never speak to you again, never ! Dear me ! What made you take advantage of me so .'' Why, I wouldn't have been philopened for the world. Rich, {slowly picking tip ba^. Let's see; the one who philopened the other was to name the penalty, I believe ? Mm. {snappishly'). I suppose so. Rich. Well, I shall claim two kisses, and the debt must be paid at once. Mm. I won't pay it, there ! {Starts to run.) KiQH. {catching hold of her). Oh, yes, you will too. And 12 THE GRANGER. I shall claim one extra for starting to run away. Come ! pay the debt quickly, or I shall claim double interest. (Minnie kisses Richard Just as Isaac enters r. i. e. Seeing them he speaks qitickly.') Isaac. Zure, zee hawk as stole Measter Haymaker's chickens do be zailing above us at this moment. I declare, he do conduct himzelf r%andzomely. There ! now he turns himzelf around zo {turns around and faces R.), and starts straight for the barn again, zure enough. Rich. Well, follow it with j'our eyes until out of sight, and then go for it. Isaac. Thank ye, zur : it do be a hornet's nest here soon if thee be not flying thyzel. Thy feylher, Minnie, all cocked and primed, do be coming around t'other hill. MiN. Oh, Richard, run quick, while I hasten to the house. Father must not see us together. Rich. Wait, I must have that other kiss. Quick! and then I will dart down the hill like a sky-rocket. MiN. Oh, I darsen't. Isaac {still looking off^. Gi' him thy kiss, child, and let the fool go. Dom it ! like all lovers, he do be too unreason- able to go until zatisfied, anyhow. MiN. Then be quick, or we shall certainly be found together. Rich. Well, then, here goes. {Kisses Iter jitst as Hay- maker enters L. i E. He watches them a moment withotit speaking. Pictiirei) Haymaker {sarcastically'). Well, young man, when you are satisfied, please give me your attention. MiN. \(starting back in S7irprise J together). Oh! Rich. \ Really, sir, I — Isaac {confused). Dash it ! that do be the domnedest hawk — Hay. Isaac, cross over here. Isaac {crossijig over). Ees, zur: I be your znrvint, zur. Hay. Yes, and a faithful one too. Have you any explanations to make ? Isaac. Noa, zur: thee did zee it all thyzel, didn't thee ? Hay. Exactly ; and without any of your assistance. Were you hired to assume the position you were taking.'' Isaac. Zure, could I turn backward wi'out turning I around ? I be not turtle built, zur, noa, zur. Then — hoping as how thee wilt not take it unkindly — when I do be around, zame as you zaw me, zur, how woo I knpw the tricks them two woo be playing ? Hay. That will do. Begone \ THE GRANGER. I 3 Isaac {shuffling across stage). Ees, zur. {Aside.) I be domned lucky to get off zo easily. {Exit L. i e.) Hay. {after a pause). Well, have you two anything to say ? Any excuses to make over the little tableau I have been an unwelcome witness to ? MiN. Oh, father, blame me if you will, but do not include Richard. It was I wlT#disobeyed by coming here. Hay. No doubt of it. Two needles attracted by the same magnet. What has that to do with the tableau, eh ? Rich. I will explain, sir. There wasa philopene pledged be I ween us, which, by accident, I won. The penalty was two kisses, which I claimed, and was about to receive, when — Hay. When the little seance was suddenly brought to a sad termination by the appearance of a third party: or, I might say, fourth, as it is plainly evident that the third was obsolete. Gad ! kisses are very sweet penalties, very. Miss Haymaker, you may go to the house. MiN. You will not blame Richard, father ? Hay. Do as I command you. (Minnie exit R. i e.) Well, sir, after ordering you from the house, you take this method to disobey my commands and insult my daughter. Rich. I have not disobeyed you, sir, in that I have not been to the house. I have not insulted your daughter, because I love her, and an honest kiss passed between two lovers is nothing to be ashamed of. Hay. You love my daughter, eh ? A very frank admis- sion, I must confess. Then you are not ashamed over what has just transpired ? Rtch. No, sir, I am not. I will say, instead, that I am proud to have received a kiss from so honorable and upright a t'irl as the daughter of John Haymaker. Hay. {aside). Well, well, the boy knows something, after all. {Aloud.) Just so; but refusing you the house is a direct intimation that you are not wanted, is it not ? Rich. By you, yes : but not by your daughter. Hay. Well, sir, I speak for my daughter. When I refuse you my house, it means directly that your connections with the family have ceased. In other words, that you are not wanted, either at the house, on the premises, or in her coiTipany. You understand .'' Rich. Not fully. Show me some good reason why I am not wanted, and I will trouble you no more. Hay. It is not necessary. Rich. It is. Indirectly you have insulted my pride, if not my character. Now what have you against me ? Do I ,14 THE GRANGER. drink, chew, smoke, swear, or associate with evil companions ? Are my morals corrupt ? Do I spend my money lavishly ? I defy you to show it. My father is a large land-owner as well as yourself, and of as respectable a pedigree. Then what have you against me ? Hay. {aside). The boy argues well, anyhow. {Aloud.) Against your character, nothing : against your business principles, considerable. You are unstable, sir, and to me show an utter disregard for your situation. Rich. In what respect, pray? Hay. Well, when you should be looking at the practical side of life, using your idle moments to study into the intricacies of the occupation you follow, you go roaming the fields and woods, shooting in a careless manner, and other- wise wasting the time that should be used for other jDur- poses. This shiftlessness alone, in one so young, would unfit you to wed my daughter, if nothing more. Rich. Ha! ha! ha! is that your complaint? {Taking paper from his pocket.) Look at this, Mr. Haymaker. {Reads.) " For being an exemplary young man, etc., and for close attention to business, we take pleasure in raising your salary one hundred dollars the coming year. Signed, A. Longnecker, Pres." {Pjttti7ig tip paper). Your opinion is at variance with the bank, you see. Hay. {aside). I must adhere to my argument, if it is slim. {Aloud.) Well, sir, if such is the case, how is it that you are habitually absent from your post of duty ? Rich. Like all youth, I need exercise and pleasure. Bring up a puppy in a box and it will grow dull and stupid, would it not ? I take my exercise in the fields and woods, among the birds and flowers, and this brings me under your observation. Were I to lounge in the village, you would not- notice me so often. I am requested to go, sir, as my employers consider that health is essential to business. Hay. {aside). Dash it ! I admire the youth after all. {Aloud.) Well, sir, you have expressed yourself intelli- gently, and I beheve candidly : but I am not satisfied. The youth who aspires to my daughter, must work himself up as I have done. That is {straigJitening himself up proiidly)., must depend upon his own resources, show native shrewd- ness, and feel himself competent to cope with the devices and tricks of the world. I have done this, and what is the result? To-day I am one of the largest land-owners in the State, hold mortgages and bonds, and am well versed in business besides. Rich. I am aware of that fact, sir, and also, that you pride THE GRANGER. I 5 yourself upon being too sharp for swindlers and pickpockets. Still, I will make a wager, that, inside of a month, I will out- wit \'Ou at your own game : and your daughter's hand shall pay the jsenalty if I win. Hay. Well, well, for a youth, you are making a bold proposition. Supposing I take you at your word, and you lose. Rich. I will never trouble you or 3'our daughter again. Hay. Hey ? Won't trouble me or my daughter again ? Here I I'll take you at your word. It's a bargain. Outwit John Haymaker? Ha! ha! ha! pretty big job you've undertaken, my lad, do you know it ? Rich. I will take my chances, and rely upon your word of honor for the prize if I win. Good-day, sir. {Bows him- self o2it L. I E.) Hay. Ha ! ha ! ha ! a bright boy, I must confess : but outwitting John Haymaker, — that was the most insane sen- tence he. ever uttered. {Exit R. i E.) Scene III. — Sitting-room in John Haymaker's house. FnrjiitJire appropriate to wealth and taste of owner. Minnie discovered sitting near window, r. c, back. Mrs. Haymaker seated r., sewing, and Isaac, l.* ditsting furniture. Minnie. Just think of it ! Father hasn't mentioned my little episode with Richard since he returned. I expected such a scolding, too. What can have come over him, I wonder. Isaac. Dan't thee be teekled zo easily. The storm as do be delayed be the more fierce when close at hand, and it be zome zo with the scolding. MiN. What! do you think he will broach the subject now? Why, he went through the room without speaking, and didn't look a bit cross, either. Isaac. Likely, likely. That be no good zymptom, though. Drabbit it ! the man do fight the hardest who be in a smiling condition. Dan't thee flatter thyzel, thee won't, woolye, now ? Mrs. Haymaker. He goes to Boston on the early train to-night. When he came in, it was to prepare for the journey. Min. Is he going to play the Granger again ? Mrs. H. Yes, or at least, I call it playing the fool. They call him a Granger on the same principle, I suppose, 1 6 THE GRANGER. that they call an overdressed young man a dude. Nothing pleases John so much as being taken for a country greenhorn, and then turning the tables. He will find his match some- tim.e, though, and then he will listen to reason. Mm. Oh, it would be just fun to make people think you were green, and then fool them. Wouldn't I like to peek around some corner and see him, though. Isaac. Likely thee would. It be the nature of woman to peek — or zomething like that. MiN. A man wouldn't peek, oh, no ! he is too much of an angel to do anything wrong. Ha ! ha ! how bad he must feel to be without wings, he is so perfect. {Noise off r.) Weir, draw on a long face, Isaac, father is coming. Isaac. Thee hadst better lengthen thine own face a bit, I do be thinking, under the zircumstances. (Haymaker entei's R. 3 e., tiying to tie on neck-scarf^ Hay. Martha, exercise your patience upon this choker. Dang the thing ! it bothers worse than keeping Merino sheep in the pasture. (Mrs. H. appi'oaches c, and fixes tie.) MiN. What about Shropshire, and Cotswold, and South- down, and Teeswater, and — Hay. There ! that will do. I mean Merinos and noth- ing else. Here ! — dash it ! be careful with that pin. Mrs. H. I am not using a pin at all. Hay. By George ! you must be cultivating hang-nails, then. Haven't you severed the jugular, or an artery, or something '^. {Mo%'ing uneasily about.) Mrs. H. No, I haven't. Keep still, can't you.'' How can I fix this tie with you bobbing around like an eel in a frying-pan. Hay. Well, well, don"t scold, Martha. Mrs. H. I am not; but if I should, it might amount to something. There, that is fixed. {Returns to seat, R.) How long shall you remain away ? Hay. Oh — er — a week, perhaps, perhaps longer. It will depend, you see, upon how old " Hayseed " is represented. Yes; now I think of it, I shall remain three weeks — three weeks on particular business that I had well-nigh forgotten. MiN. Anything pecuhar about the business, father.-^ Hay. Well, yes ; it does have a peculiar significance, I must confess. Let's see ; weW, the nature of it, principally, is to test the legality, or I might say, the criminality, of kiss- ing a proscribed lover over a penalty resulting from a philopene. Something of that nature, anyhow. yii'ii {tuniiiig toward window). Oh! THE GRANGER. I 7 Isaac {aside to Minnie). It bean't wholesome to ques- tion too heavily, be it now, zay ? Hay. Isaac ? Isaac {starting qnickly). Ees — ees, zur. Hay. Look to the interest of the farm while I am away, as well as the family. Should the hands loiter in the field, or the cattle go astray, or a gate be left ajar, back up to them gently ; or, should it so happen that you did walk up face front, " turn I around zo " {tu?'ns aroiiiid in itnitation of Isaac), and go to star-gazing. Being a faithful and obe- dient servant, you will, no doubt, obey all of my instruc- tions. Isaac. Ees, zur — if there be no hawks in the way. {Aside to Minnie, who has bee?i slyly laughing at him.) Stop thy domned tittering, woolye, now ? Mrs. H. Jolm. I wish you would go to the city once and appear human. What is the use of acting like an unsophis- ticated rustic, without breeding or education, when you can appear otherwise ? Hay. Ha! ha! ha! why, Martha, there's pleasure in it — recreation — comfort. Look here! I walk along Wash- ington Street, minding my own business, too, and am greeted with such remarks as, "Hello! old Hayseed!" "No flies about him ! " "Is grass green deoun to your heouse ? " and so forth ; but it all falls upon my ears like the tinkling of silver bells. Ha! ha! ha! they don't know me, you see. Then, at the proper moment, I pull out this roll of bills {taking large roll of dills from his pocket), and my value goes up a hundred per cent. Oh ! nothing like money to make a man appreciated. Did you know that.'' An old coat is a soft pillow if lined with bank-bills. Well, well, I'm rattling off into a speech. Isaac, has Peter the team ready ? Isaac. Ees, zur. Hay. Well, bring my receptacle and I am off. (Isaac exit R. I E.) I think more of that old valise than I would of a government position. I suppose it was made in the days of Henry Clay, and was used to scatter nomination tickets. {Enter Isaac with old-fashioned valise.) Looks like it, don't it ? {Takes valise.) Well, kiss me, Martha, and keep a clear head until my return. {Crosses r.) Mrs. H. Did I not know you, I should certainly refuse. Hay. Would be your duty, wouldn't it? Well, well, " witli all thy faults, I love thee still." {Kisses her.) Now, good-by. ( Turns to go.) MiN. Haven't you a kiss for me, father ? 15 THE GRANGER. Hay. {looks at her shat-ply for a moment'). Let's see; the penalty for a philopene is two kisses, I believe. No appealing, no loop-holes to crawl through, like the prohibi- tory law, no — Well, well, here is the kiss, girl. A child is a child but once, and as such should be appreciated. {Kisses her.) There ! peace be unto this house until my return, {Exit c. n., followed by Isaac.) MiN. How father must look when he is fully rigged out! What do you suppose the people take him for 1 Mrs. H. I suppose he is taken for what he intends to represent ; that is, an uncouth country clown, who has never travelled, and who is unused to the ways of the world. In his travels he is nicknamed " The Granger." ■ MiN. Yes ; and he is such a mimic, too. It must be real fun. Wouldn't I like to know, though, what transpired between him and Richard. It couldn't have been anything serious, or he would have shown it in his face. Mrs. H. I think at heart he respects Richard more than he is wiUing to own ; but if he is prejudiced against him, which is evident he is, I think it doubtful if they come to a reconciliation. MiN. And it is all because Richard don't work and think just as he does. I think it is real mean. There is no more likely young fellow in the county, and people say so, too. Mrs. H. Your father has his peculiarities like other men. He enjoys pleasure, and loves to indulge in it ; but he attends strictly to business, and it nettles him to see others neglect it. He can become comical and excitable at almost the same instant. Cross him in his belief, and he is apt to act unreasonable ; too much so for his own good. Outside from this, and the fact that he is a trifle conceited, he will hold his own with the average. MiN. Yes ; touch him on evolution and he goes off like a sky-rocket. Whew ! how he does spin when he gets to going! It makes me think of a clock that gets to striking sometimes and won't stop until run down. Ha ! ha ! to think that we originated from monkeys is too comical for anything. If it only had been butterflies, or humming-birds, it would have been real nice ; but monkeys, the horrid things — ugh! {Looking otif of window.') Why, as I live, there is Isaac coming toward the house, and Richard is with him. What can it mean? Mrs. H. ( ^oing to window). Although I respect the youth, I hope he is not fooHsh enough to disobey vour father's command. Coming hereafter he has been forbidden THE GRANGER. I 9 the house, and the moment my husband is out of sight, is not gentlemanl}^, to say the least. Mm. Oh, he will explain himself! Perhaps he and father came to terms, and that was what made father act so queer. We will find out in a moment anyway. {Enter Isaac, followed by Richard, c. d.) Richard. You will pardon this unseemly visit, Mrs. Haymaker, after ■ having been forbidden from entering the house ; but I have business that brought me here, which, when explained, will, I think, pardon me for the intrusion. Isaac. The man as be not responsible for his acts do be excusable, zure enough. Mrs. H. Speaking for myself, I do not object to your presence ; but as your presence is offensive to my husband, I would advise you to be careful. MiN. I don't think father feels very bad, or he would have said more about it. Isaac. Dan't thee know that deepest grief be not dis- zernible on the outzide ? It burns the fiercest on the inside, out o' zight, zame as a coal-pit, or zomething like that. How- zomever, thy feyther and Richard have come to zome under- standing, which — Well, well, I do be doing all the talking myzel — zame as usual. {Retires to a seat L. 3 E.) MiN. iJaugJiing). And say the least. Isaac. Ees — zame as women at a zoing zircle. Mrs. H. {retiirnhig to seat near R. i e.). Well, Richard, consider yourself at home, and we will Hsten to the nature of your business. Rich, {seating himself down c. near Minnib). The sum total of my business is this: I have made a wager with Mr. Haymaker, and the winning of it has much to do with my future happiness. Mrs. H. Indeed ! I was not aware that Mr. Haymaker was in the habit of betting or making wagers. Mm. How much is the bet, Richard ? Rich. Well, valued by law. about three thousand dollars. To me, however, the value is far more. I proposed the bet, vou see, and he took me up like a flash. Now, in order to win, I need the united efforts of you two ladies. Mrs. H. Assisting you to win three thousand dollars from my husband, Richard, would seem more insane than rational. Isaac. They do be zeeing things through green goggles. Drabbit it ! break the ice at once, and out wi' it. Rich. I will. You know, Mrs. Haymaker, that your 20 THE GRANGER. husband prides himself upon being too sharp to be swindled or even robbed. Now I have made a wager that I will out- wit him inside of a month. MiN. And if you do, you win three thousand dollars? Rich. Not in money — no. If I win, I wed his daughter by his own consent. If I lose, I relinquish all claims, and shun this house forever. MiN. {clapping Jier hands). Oh ! then you must help him, mother. You will, won't you ? Isaac. Thee do be mortal glad to beat thy feyther, zomehow. Zure, I do blush for thee, for zartain. Mrs. H. If my daughter is to be raffled for, or used like a lottery ticket, I certainly shall object. MiN. Oh, mother ! don't look at it in that light. You know, excepting father, we are all willing — or — that is — Isaac. Richard, if the two of you be not engaged, it be thine own fault, zurely. She do make confessions that — Oh, well ! I bean't saying anything but to myzel, as usual. Rich. We are engaged, Isaac, and all are in my favor but Mr. Haymaker. A test has now come up between us. If I lose, after making the challenge myself, I lose all pres- tige in his eyes, and the woman I love. If I win, it will elevate me in his estimation, heal the breach between us, and teach him a lesson he will never forget. Mrs. H. In what respect ? Rich. By proving to him, that, like all men, he is liable to mistakes. Lt is currently reported that Haymaker will find his match some time ; and when he does, it is evident he will be out a large sum of money. Mrs. H. I have often had fears of the same thing. Rich. Very well. If I rob him, will it not break him from courting an attack, and tempting thieves in the fu- ture ? Mrs. H. I hardly think so. I doubt, Richard, although I admire your courage, if you can accomplish your object. Mr. Haymaker is a far-seeing man. You, as yet, are com- paratively young, and unused to the ways of the world. I would gladly assist you if I considered that the plan was feasible. Rich. Do I have your consent and assistance if the plan is feasible .'' Mrs. H. {after a pause'). Well — j'es ; that is, I will decide after hearing how you intend to proceed. Rich. Well, here is what I propose : Mr. Haymaker is vulnerable in one point — evolution. Interest him in that, and he forgets all else. That will be my point of attack. tHE GRANGER, ^t Minnie is good at personifying different characters, and so' am I. We can both sing, too. Now my plan is to go to Boston at once, and take you two with me. We will hire a couple of furnished rooms for our headquarters. Minnie and I will disguise as musicians, and play upon the street; of course, making it our aim to play in the presence of Mr. Haymaker. We shall have a story to tell, too, that will interest him; and mark me, that story will influence him to go to our rooms. Minnie and I will do the work, while you, Mrs. Haymaker, shall serve as our protectors. Is not the plan feasible ? Mrs. H. I hardly think you can disguise so as to deceive him. Rich. A costumer for a small sum will put us in proper shape. I have no fears about that. Mrs. H. I doubt if you can influence him to go to the rooms ; and even then I fail to see how you are going to suc- ceed. Rich. Leave that to me. Mr. Haymaker is noted for his generosity. Our story shall touch his sympathetic nature. Wishing to investigate before giving, he will go with us to our rooms. Trust me for the rest. Will you assist me ? MiN. {excitedly^. Oh, do, mother! You have often said you would like to play a good joke on father, and now is your time. I want to go to the city too. (Crossing to her mother and tJirowing her arms around her neck.^ You will go, won't you ? Isaac. To be zure she will go. Do the two of you be thinking to go trapezing off together wi'out her going? She be not so domned zilly as that. MiN. Mother, will you go ? Mrs. H. Minnie, I will. I believe I should enjoy the pleasure of seeing him outwitted if only to laugh at him about it in the future. MiN. Oh ! good. Mother, here is a kiss to pay you. (^Kisses her.) Isaac. There be another here wi' mouth watering for zome of the zame. Rich. No, Isaac ; not under this roof while I am pro- scribed. Wait until I have conquered, and then see. Mrs. Haymaker, having your consent, I feel that success is cer- tain. Mrs. H. When do you start ? Rich. To-morrow. Come, Minnie, we will sing a song together as a kind of rehearsal, and then I am off to make arrangements, and to get leave of absence. 22 THE GRANGER, Isaac. Having a good audience to zing to — Mistress Haymaker and myzel, d'ye zee — do thy loveliest, and zing pratty. Rich. Well, Isaac, you can be our critic, and decide after we have finished. Come, Minnie. (Minnie and Richard advance front of stage and sing song to suit the occasion. ~) Curtain. THE GRANGER. 2$ ACT II. Scene I. — Cify street. Entrances R. andt,. (As curtain rises John Haymaker enters from l. He has on cowhide boots with pantaloons tncked in, wears long hair and a broad-brimmed hat. and is dressed in long blue drilling frock, over which are seen two medium-sized silver chains attached to a ring worn around the neck. Each chain reaches to the pockets beneath, and is fastened to traps which are concealed in the pockets. He carries a large, old-fashioned carpet-bag. As Haymaker enters, lotid laughter is heard off stage L.) Y{aymak.¥.k {backijig on and looking off L.). Wa'all, laffif you want tu — no law agin it ez I knows on. Makes me think of a lot o' calves a-blaatin' on a cattle train — it does, by Methuselah. Look a-here, now, I'll laff with you. {Laughs loudly with others o?itside L.) There! eny remarks tu make about that ? Skowhegan plunket! if I hed voices like yourn, I'd greese 'em with goose-ile tu keep from havin' consumption. Oh, yes ; look me over if you want tu ! {Turning around^ Reg'ler hayseed, ain't I? Got sheep- shears an' rake-teeth in my hair, in course I hev. {Laughter renewed^ That's right! keep it up. Feel better when you git well over it, I'll bet tu dollars. Hey? Did you call me a sunflower.'' If I hed you across my knee, you starched- up extract from a Chinese laundry, I'd make you feel sun- burnt, I would, by mighty! A Granger — eh 1 Wa'all, s'posin' I am — s'posin' I am, what s'yer goin' tu du about it — say ? Newsboy (^«/i?rj-yr(7;« R.). Herald — Globe! Herald — Globe ! Hay. {turning arotmd). Hey? What's that you're shoutin' about ? Newsboy. Morning and evening papers. Paper, sir ? Hay. Wa'all, I don't mind, seein's you're so willin'. {Takes paper.) Thank'ee ! don't know what I shall du with 24 THE GRANGEK. it ; but it may come handy some time. {Puts it in his pocket and starts off?) Good-day, sonny. Newsboy. Here, sir ; two cents for the paper, please. •Hay. {stoppifi^). Oh ! you sell 'em, du ye ? Skowhegan plunket ! why. didn't you. say so afore.'' (^Places valise on sidewalk, R.) Look a-here, sonny, I reckon I don't want eny papers. {Offers paper back.) Newsboy. Yes, you do, sir. Newsiest paper of the week. Labor riot in New York, steamboat explosion, two murders, scandal in high life, more about tariff and civil- service reform, another outrage in Canadian waters, and all about the latest base-ball game. You couldn't do v^^ithout it, sir. Hay. Enything about why the milk o' some cows sours quicker'n others ? Newsboy. What, sir ? Hay. Explain why a goose-egg hatches a goslin', or a hen's egg a chicken, when put under some other fowl .'' Newsboy. I fear, sir — - Hay. Give eny receipt for currant worms, or how tu destroy potato-bugs outside o' the ordinary way ? Newsboy. I've a crippled brother and a sick mother who depend upon me for a living. Won't you buy a paper, please 1 Hay. No human critter can suffer 'round Solomon Slope- worth if he knows' it. Count 'em out, sonny, an' I'll take the hull lot. {Takes out large roll of money as boy counts papers. Enter First Bunco Man from l., who perceives money) Bunco Man {aside). Ah-ha! there's a chicken to pick, sure enough. Full of money, too, as a sheep-tick full of new blood. I'll watch him. {Remains L.) Hay. Wa'all, how many .? Newsboy. Twenty Globes and forty Heralds, sir. Hay. Sixty all together. How much does it figer up at tu cents apiece ? Newsboy {promptly). Two dollars, sir. Hay. Hey.'' Is that Boston figerin' .f" Tangle me up in a barbed wire fence if I didn't think it afore. Couldn't ^ell 'em butter in that way, bet your shoe-strings you couldn't. Wa'all, here's the tu dollars {gives boy money), an' what ye don't need for- your sick mother, you kin use to buy an arithmetic, an' study addition. Jest du them papers up in a bundle, an' I'll put 'em in this keerpit-bag. {Turns to R., and stoops dow7t to open valise. Boy with papers slips out R. jcnobserved.) There ! reckon this'll hold 'em all, an' a small THE GRANGER. 25 house besides. (^Rises tip with valise open., and finds boy gone.') Wa'al], I'll be blowed ! Bunco Man {advancing front). Rather played it on you, didn't he? Just the way with newsboys — a rascally, thieving set. Hay. S'pose so. Not much tu blame, nuther, seein' ez who they associate with. I kinder pity the yengster, arter .i'i. B. M. Were you to know them, your pity would turn to disgust. You are from the country, I should judge ? Hay. Who in thunder told ye ? B. M. I guessed it by your garb. Not that it is unbe- coming at all ; but because it resembles the old, honest, sturdy, and substantial American farmer. Hay. Jest so — jest so. Been in the country yerself, I reckon ? B. M. Very little. Was a lightning-rod dispenser once, but soon gave up the job. Hay. Wonder they hadn't shot ye at fust sight. Don't appreciate them fellers down in Maine, no sir'ee. We jest fire 'em right oflf the premises. Why, look a-here ; I wouldn't stretch 'a story for a four-year-old colt, but I'll bet tu dollars that them fellers ud sit beside a sraall-pox patient, an' talk lightning-rods until he died, if it ud only insure a sale tu the widder arter he wus buried. They would, by Methuselah ! B. M. Ha ! ha ! I think you are about correct. May I ask in what part of the country you reside? Hay. You may — nuthin' preventin'. B. M. Ah — yes. Perhaps it is in Maine? Hay. Perhaps it is. Oxford County, purty nigh on tu the Hampshire line. Kin look out o' the kitchen winder each mornin', an' see the sua a-gildin' the tops o' the White Mountains, jest like great sheets o' gold. Ever take tu fishin', mister ? ^ B. M. Not much — no. Hay. Ain't like some men, then, who ud hang tu a brook till tliey fished it dry, an' tlien hanker for more ? Human sharks, I call 'em. Some on 'em right here in Bostown, ready tu pick a man's pocket at a moment's notice. Wa'all, talkin' o' fishin', puts me in mind of a brook ez runs across my farm. Ez I said afore, I wouldn't stretch a story for a four-year-old colt ; but the trout in that stream breed so fast, an' grow so quick, that I hev tu hire 'em scooped out tu keep the stream from over-flowin' an' floodin' the land. I du, by Methuselah ! 26 THE GRANGER. B. M. Not much of a bro®k for frout either — eh ? Hay. Not much, consider! n'. Why, Caleb Gushing, Vv^hose land jines right on tu mine, an' who owns a saw-mill, hez 'em so thick in his brook, an' so well trained, that, when he wants tu saw, all he hez to do is jest to whistle, an' I'll be durned if they won't swim right up in a mass, an' hold the water back like a dam. Then, when Caleb is through, they jest scatter out an' let the water slide. Mighty savin', I kin tell ye. B. M. Ha ! ha ! I should say so. You are a land-owner, then ? Hay. Wa'all, sorter. People in Oxford County, Maine, '11 tell ye that Solomon Slopeworth is one of the largest land- owners in the State. B. M. Ah — um ! glad to hear it. Married, I suppose ? Hay. Got a wife an' ez fine a darter ez there is in the country. Why, ez Margaret, my wife, sez, an' ez I have sed a heap o' times, the looks o' Miranda for beauty an' pertness ain't tu be found. They are scarce ez hen's teeth anyhow. B. M. {aside). Am finding out just what I want to know. {Aloud.') Yes, no doubt of it. Hay. (placing valise on sidewalk). Now, look a-here ; you're a sort o' dressy chap with an honest, open counte- nance, an' I don't mind tellin' ye a secret. Kin ye keep it ': B. M. One of the first injunctions of my mother was to keep a secret inviolable. Hay. Sho! hed a mother, did ye ? I'll allow I shouldn't a-thought it. You seem like one o' them fellers who never wus born, but wus jest lifted right out of a clothes-basket, full grown, all starched, an' ready for use. You du, by Methuselah! B. M. Ah! complimentary, I see. But the secret; do I understand — Hay. Oh, yes 1 I wus a-goin' tu say that money in a ragged coat wus ez good ez money in a new one ; but witli- out money, the new coat stands the biggest show. I've been called old Hayseed twenty times on this same street. Whv.'' Jest because my clothes ain't ez purty ez somebody's else's clothes, an' because I'm awkward and clumsy in my gait. Look a-here. {Taking mo7iey from his pocket.) See this money ? I'll bet tu dollars I kin buy each one on 'em, an' ' still hev money in the bank. B. M. Do you always carry money about you in that care- less manner ? Hay. Why not? Ain't a-goin' tu steal it, be ye ? B. M. Why — ah — no ; only it seems careless, that's all. THE GRANGER. 2J Well, good-day, my friend, glad to have met you. {Bows politely and exit R.) Hay. (^putting iitoiuy in Ids pocket and laughing). Ha ! ha! ha! think I couldn't read that countenance? Think my family history was told for nothing ? Only wait, that's all. I've baited the trap, and if I don't catch the fox, then John H^aymaker is no prophet. Bootblack {enters from l.). Shine, sah.'^ Hay. Hey ? Want tu shine ? Why, sartin I want tu shine. Never saw a man ez didn't, did ye ? Bootblack: (^places stool c). Have yer boots blacked, boss ? Seat all ready for yer. Give yer first-class shine, sah. Hay. Give it tu me, eh ? Durned if I won't take it. I will, by Methuselah! {Seats himself iipo/i stool and places foot on block.) There, sonny ; there's ez square a foot ez you ever worked on. Bootblack. Jess so, sah. Two square feet in one, sah.' {Proceeding to work.) Mighty good on de water — dem feet. Hay. Why so ? Bootblack. Nebber could drown unless you tipped ober, sah. Hay. Eh, what's that ? Look a-here ! you chunk o' black muck, if I hed you on the farm, du you know what I would du with ye ? Bootblack. Don't know, sah. Hay. I'd stick you up in the field to frighten crows out of the corn. I would, by Methuselah ! Bootblack. Nebber would work, sah. Nigger and de crow too much ob de same complexion. Hay. Wa'all, I'll be durned if I'd thought o' that. Skow- hegan plunket ! if I was a nigger, I'd go tu some bleachery an' bleach myself back into a white man. Bootblack. De nigger would want you to, sah. Hay. Why so ? Bootblack. Kase you isn't ob de right make-up. Hair too straight, like an Injin's. Nebber try to be a nigger, sah. {Packing up brush and blacking.) Hay. Here ! what are you doing ? You haven't blacked the other boot. Bootblack. Nebber finish a job widout de pay fust, sah. Hay. Hey ? Ain't you doin' this for nuthin' .' Bootblack. Fo' twenty cents, sah. Hay. {rising to his feet). Nuthin' said about twenty 28 THE GRANGER. cents, Skowhegan plunket ! the ordinary price ain't only ten. Bootblack. Fo' common feet, sah. Costs more to paint de big house den it does de little one. Twenty cents fo' you, sah. Hay. I won't pay it, I'll be durned if I will ! Bootblack. Jess as ye like, sah. Nebber quarrel wid a man wid a big foot. It ain't safe, sah. {Picking up stool and starting off.) Speak well fo' de blacking, sah. Hay. Here, come back. Du you think I want tu be left half shod? Finish the job an' Til rake up the money, if it takes the last cent. Bootblack. Couldn't do it, nohow. Nebber could live to go 'round dat odder foot. Good-day, sah. Speak well fo' de blacking. {Exit l.) Hay. Well, that youngster is bound to have his own rights, or nothing. Mighty good idea, too. Should have held me for that twenty cents, though ; only point in which he lacked judgment. {^Looking at his feeti) Ha ! ha ! played it on me well. Hang it ! my feet look like a field half ploughed. Shall have to strike another bootblack to finish the job. Policeman {entering from L.). Move on ! Shure, and you have obstructed the sidewalk long enough. Hay. Sho ! you don't say. Nuthin' tu hinder you from passin', is there ? Police. Not the idea at all, at all. Yees are obstructing the sidewalk.- The gineral public can't go by yees widout taking the street. Hay. Hain't tu people passed in the last ten minutes. Hull crowd on 'em down on t'other street, though. Must be a cattle-show or circus down that way somewheres, I reckon. Police. Shall I be afther assisting yeez to move, or will yeez move without ? Hay. Wa'all, I reckon you kin assist me. Much obleeged. Jest take that keerpit bag an' lead me tu a first- class tavern. Durned if you ain't the most obligin'chap I've struck in Bostown. You are, by Methuselah ! Police. No trifling. Yees move along, or I'll be afther taking yees to the station-house. Hay. Sho ! can't loaf 'round here ez you would in a pasture, then ? Skowhegan plunket ! you could race in my fields a hull day, an' I wouldn't say a durned word. Do you own this cow-path, mister ? Police, I have charge of it, sur — yis. THE GRANGER. 29 Hay. You du. Wa'all, now, how much'll you charge tu jest go along an' mind your own business ? Police. Thunder an' 'ounds ! this talk to me ? Whom be yeas ondressing, yees spalpeen ? Hay. Sorter reckon I don't know, squire. Police, {siiaightening himself iip proudly'). I'm a Policeman. YiPCi. {looking him over). Sho ! you don't say. Durned if I didn't take you for one of 'em fellers ez leads a bear around with a string. I did, by Methuselah ! Reckon a policeman must be somethin' higher than that? Police. Shure and yees will foind out, and mighty quick, too. I'll not speak again. If yees are here on my return, bad luck to the mither that raised yees ; that's all. {Walks promptly across stage and off l.) Hay. Durned if I couldn't put him in my vest-pocket an' use him for a toothpick. {Assn/ning his v.atnral voice.) Well, that's the end of that racket. {Looking off r.) Hello ! there are the partners of that lightning-rod dispenser. I can tell them as far as a man can tell the sme'l of a skunk. {Enter from R., Second andHviiKT) Bunco Men. They are stylishly dressed, with stovepipe hats^ and canes, etc. As they pass Haymaker, the Second B. M. suddenly stops, looks at him critically, and then extends his hand) Second B. M. Pardon me, sir ; but if you are not Solo- mon Slopeworth, of Oxford County, Maine, then I have lost my reckoning. Mr. Slopeworth, how do you do ? Hay. {grasping his hand). Purty well, thank'ee. B. M. Mr. Slopeworth, this is my friend, Charles Mathews. Hay. Durned glad tu see ye, both on ye. {Grasping and shaking their hands.) How's the folks at hum .-^ {They try to release their hands.) Sho ! ain't a-hurtin' on ye, be 1} Ha! ha! ha! ain't jest used tu a Granger's shake, I reckon. Wa'all, wa'all {zvringing their hands), take it good-naturedly, Mr. — er — er — what did you say your name was ? B. M. {trying to luithdraw his hand). Ah, yes : Pink- ham — Jim Pinkham, sir. Hay. {holding their hands and thinking). Pinkham ! Pinkham ! Don't seem tu recollect that name, somehow. Ain't no relation of Lydia's, be ye ? B. M. None whatever. You will recollect that I was at your place two years ago. I not only reimember you, but your wife Margaret, and your daughter Miranda, 30 THE GRANGER. Hay. The deuce you do. ( Shaking their hands.') Durned if it don't make you seem like old friends. {Releas- ing their hands.) Funny, I can't place you, though. What wus you a-doin' ? B. M. I took supper with you. You will remember me by that. Hay. I s'pose I'd orter : but I've fed so many tramps, that — B. M.. {indignantly). Beg pardon, sir: I was not there as a tramp. Hay. Oh ! you wasn't. Wa'all, I couldn't tell, ye see. So many people are beggars one day, an' dress like kings the next, that we're apt tu get 'em mixed up. Wus there for somethin', I s'pose ? B. M. I was looking at horses. A man by name of Caleb Johnson was there too. At supper-time you invited me in. Hay. Did — eh? Hed a good supper, didn't ye ? B. M. Never could ask for a better. The products of the farm were well represented, and I think I did justice to them. Strange you should have forgotten me. Hay. Wa'all, I can't remember everything no more nor a judge. Didn't sell you a spavined horse, did I ? B. M. No, sir, I bought no horse at all. Hay. Wa'all, that accounts for it. Had I tucked a foundered horse on tu ye, or one troubled with the epizootic, I might hev remembered you durned quick. Cu'rus how you know me, though. B. M. I am good at remembering both names and faces. Having seen you at the farm, I should know you if I saw you in Halifax. Hay. Oh, you would. Wa'all, I'll be durned if that ain't queer. See right through me jest ez you would a piece of glass, wouldn't ye ? Now when I cum to Bostown I'm so sorter changed an' stuck up that I hardly know myself. Still, I'm stopped by you, right on the street, an' called Solomon Slopeworth jest ez familiar ez by one o' the family. Beats the Dutch. Durned if I wouldn't like to shake hands agin. I would, by Methuselah ! {Offers hand.) Third B. M. Excuse me, sir, if I decline. Second B. M. Having tested your shake, you will par- don me if I also decline. Hay. Ha! ha! ha! feared tu shake hands, be ye? Wa'all, I don't know ez I blame ye. Why, I'll bet tu dollars, an' I've got tlie money tu back it {taking roll of money from his pocket and displaying it)., that I've got a grip THE GRANGER. 3 I that'll hold both on ye tighter'n a bear in a trap. Hope ye won't take the bet, though, durned if I don't. {Returns money to his pockets.') Third B. M. Come, Jim, we must hurry to the bank. If not there by three, the check cannot be cashed. Second B. M. {looking at watch). Why, it is after five now. Third B. M. What ! then we are too late. So much for loitering here. Five hundred dollars is promised at six, and I must have it at whatever risk. How much have you about you } Second B. M. Not ten dollars. How large is the check ? Third B. M. Fifteen hundred dollars on First National Bank. Second B. M. Good as the wheat. Perhaps Mr. Slope- worth can accommodate you. He is a thorough business man, and, as I have noticed, has plenty of money. Let him see it. Third B. M. With pleasure. {Hands check to Hay- maker.) You can see more distinctly, Mr. Slopeworth, by turning to the gas-jet burning there in the window. The street-light is somewhat dim. If you can cash the check, or even loan me the six hundred upon it for a few hours, you will oblige me greatly. Hay {turning back to audience and facing c). Wa'all, I don't mind lookin' at the check, though I ain't so sartin about cashin' it. Let's see : it reads {holds check above his eyes as if trying to pick it out. As he does so, each B. M. slips a hand into his side pockets), " Boston, Mass., Sept. fust. Number twenty-one hundred an' fifty-tu. First National Bank. Pay tu the order of Charles Mathews, or bearer, fifteen hundred dollars. {Traps spring on B. M., wJio start back with a yell. Quick as a flash, Haymaker grasps each one by the throat and swings them around front.) Ah — ha ! taken that other grip, hain't ye ? Thought you could beat Solomon Slopeworth, eh ! Knew my hull pedigree, did ye ? ( They attempt to draw weapons with their free hands.) Here! touch your pockets, an' I'll bunt your heads together like a pile-driver buntin' a log. {Twisting them around.) Oh ! I've got you, an I've a good mind tu wring your necks. {Shakes them.) Second B. M. {speaking with effort). Don't ! for God's sake, don't ! Let us go, and we will trouble you no more. Third B. M. Release me from this hellish trap, and I'll pay you handsomely. 32 TiiE GRANGER. Hay. You will, eh ? Would give your last shirt if you hadn't done it, PI! bet a dollar. Feel at this moment jest like speakin' in meetin', don't ye? Will ye keep quiet if I'll let up on ye ? Second B. M. Release me and I am at your command. Hay. Won't try tu run away, will ye, till I give the signal ? Third B. M. Release your hand, and I will remain at your mercy. Hay. Wa'all, I'll try ye. {Leis go of their throats.) There! try tu run now, an' I'll rap your heads tugether like tu batterin' rams. Second B. M. Now free us from these traps. They hurt like the devil. Hay. Du they ? I'll be durned if I ain't sorry. There was alius somethin' sympathetic about my nature, anyhow. Why, I'd leave a woodchuck in a trap a hull da}^ rather than hurt it by takin' it out. Reckon I'll du the same by you. Don't like it, eh ? Wa'all, must keep your hands out o' other people's pockets, then. Look a-here ! {Taking 7noney from his pockets and shaking it before them) Plenty o' corn in the crib, if you know where tu find the key. Ha ! ha ! ha ! didn't know where it wus, did ye ? {Reticrjis ■money to his pockets.) Now will ye du ez I want you tu if I'll not give ye tu the perlice ? Second B. M. We can hardly do otherwise, can we ? Hay. That's so, by Methuselah. Wa'all, just return them traps tu the pockets where you found 'em. {They start to remove traps.) No ; you needn't take 'em off. Return 'em with the same hand you took 'em off with. {They hesitate.) Come! will ye du az I tell ye? {They rehictant/y obey.) There ! now sorter look happy an pleas- ant-like, for there's a pesky perliceman a-comin' at double- quick. Police, {enters fro7n L.). Begorra ! yeez are still here, and in moighty foine company, too. Are yeez acquainted with thim two gintlemen? Hay. In course I am. Wouldn't be so durned familiar with 'em unless I was, would I ? Police. And would yeez moind telling how the famiharity took place ? Hay. Wa'all, perhaps that's a secret I don't want tu explain. Ain't obleegecl tu, be I ? Police. Shure, there's no compulsion about it, no, sir; but in duty to meself and me profession, I'll be afther saying that thim two gintlemen are pickpockets, THE GRANGER. 33 Hay. Skowhegan plunket ! you don't say ! Why, I've got over tu thousand dollars in each side pocket. I'm letting 'em put their hands right in on tu it, tu. See ? {^Points to his pockets.) Now I'll bet tu dollars they don't touch a cent on it. Police. Begorra ! yeez must be an ould fool or a thaif in disguise. I've a good moind to arrest the whole gang of yeez. Hay. Oh, don't get excited, squire. Why, I'd jest ez soon they would handle that money ez not. Like the same privilege yerself, wouldn't ye.'' Wa'all, Jim, pick up that keerpit bag and we'll trudge along. (^He hesitates.) Come, pick it right up. (Second B. M. picks up valise reluctantly.') Police, {aside). Moighty quare proceedings this. Be- gorra ! I'll keep an eye on him, or they'll drain him of the last cint. {Aloud to B. M.) If yeez two chaps are not mighty careful, yeez will find your ould places. Second B. M. Sir, I — Third B. M. I, sir — Hay. Don't you fret, squire. They're all right, I reckon. Jest trot along about your business, an' we'll du the same. Police. {jnovingK. Aside.). I'll kape an eye on thim, anyhow. {Exit R.) Hay. Come, now we'll go tu the tavern. Oh, don't look so gloomy. Blowed if a man wouldn't think, tu look at ye, that ye'd both stolen a sheep. I'll swear that you haven't, by Methuselah. Now jest act your purtiest, an' I'll du the same. {Moving R.) Remember, this is the fust, an' may be the last, time you will ever walk out with Solomon Slope- worth, the Granger. {They exit R. As they disappear., Richard «;^^ Minnie, disguised as musicians., enter fro fn L., cross stage and exit R., as scene closes in.) Scene II. — Interior of bar-room. Bar l. c, back. Opening R. c, showing waitvig-room beyond. Table r. c, frojit,' cojitainiftg papers, etc. Barteiider behind bar. Two or three at bar, drinking. As scene opens, they pay for dri7iks and exit R. 3 E. Comjnotion in room R. c, back. Barkeeper. What's the racket in there, I wonder ! {Goes to entrance and looks in.) Hay. {approaching opening with pickpockets, same as in last scene). How de du, squire .'' Fine evening. Jest right tu make corn an' grass grow right smart. Been sarchin' for a fust-class tavern, an' my tu friends tuk me here. 34 THE GRANGER. Bark, {looking at tJiein sharply'). Have your baggage checked in other room, please. Hay. Wa'all, ez I've cum to sta}', I sorter reckon I don't vs^ant it checked. {Pushes his way into room.) Oh, don't look so durned skeert. Never saw a Granger afore, did ye ? Jim, sot that keerpit bag under the table. {They cross to table. Barkeeper goes behind bar.) Second B. M. {placing valise under table). Let us out of this without going further, and we will pay you five hundred dollars spot cash. Third B. M. Subjecting us to this ridicule is worse than going to State's Prison. For Heaven's sake, let us off. Hay. Ha! ha! ha! don't like my company, eh? Wished ye hadn't ^recognized me, don't ye ? Durned if I ain't sorry. When I become attached tu an old hat, or an old pair o' boots, it's jest like puUin' a tooth tu part with 'em. Jest the same with my friends, tu. Du I talk tu much tu suit ye 1 Second B. M. It's the trap, sir. Can't you release me from that ? (Policeman seen standitig in entrance R. c, back.) Hay. Could if I took a notion, I s'pose, but I don't. It ain't policy tu let down the bars an' let the cattle intu the wheat. Why, look a-here; if you've got an unruly steer, jest keep him inside a high fence, or else knock him in the head ; it don't make much difference which. Skowhegan plunket ! if you're in pain, we'll call for some balm o' Gilead. {Swings them around to bar. Three or fotcr loafers ejiter R. 3 e., and seat thetnselves around table.) Look a-here, landlord, hain't got eny Good Samaritan or St. Jacob's ile, hev ye ? Bark, {with knowing smile). Will give you the best we have. {Sets out tumblers and decanter.) Hay. (taking up decaliter and sjnelling). I'll be durned if that don't smell jest like Jamaica ginger down in Maine. It does, by Methuselah. {Fills glass and sets down decanter.) Police. A — a — a — hem ! ahem ! Hay. (j-^^/;/^ Policeman). Hey? I'll be sheep-sheared if thet durned perliceman hain't followed us here. How de du, squire? Walk right up an' express your feeiin's. (Po- liceman rushes to bar.) Think I'm jest turned out tu grass an' need watchin', don't ye? (Second B. M. reaches for decanter.) Here, that ain't your kind. ( Takes decanter and hands it to Policeman.) Now, fill right up, an' don't say a durned word. Landlord, jest pass down thet Congress Water, will ye ? " THE GRANGER. 35 Bark. (Jianding down bottle marked Congress Water). Here you are, sir. Hay. Thank'ee. {Passes bottle to B. M.) There ! reckon that Congress Water will jest hit you tu a T. {77iey hesitate.) Come, hurry up ! A slow hoss in liayin' time, with a storm comin' up, is a pesky poor team. {They reluc- tantly fill glasses.) First Loafer {loudly). Is it dry times down to your house, Joe ? Second Loafer. Yes ; mighty dry. Hay. {turning around). Hey.'' Here, you sorter look out for thet keerpit bag under the table. It's mine. Reckon you said somethin' about bein' dry, didn't ye .'' Wa'all, slide right up tu the bar; that is, if you kin. (Loafers I'ltsh to bar.) Don't drink with a " hayseed " every da)^, ye know; so fill er right up. {Y^oxyy.'K'S, fill glasses^) There! Now drink a health tu Solomon Slopeworth, a self-made man, an' one of the largest land-owners in Maine. {All drink but Bunco Men, who try to work glasses over their shoulders ; they are seen by Haymaker.) Here ! Never saw a man with a mouth hung over his shoulder. Jest drink that down in tlie old-fashioned way. {They drink it down, making wry faces. ) Police, {after all have finished). Would yeez be afther stepping this way for a moment ? I would speak wid yeez. Hay. Why, sartin. Jest wait until arter Jim settles the bill, though. Reckon they don't keep no slate here, so jest fork over the cash. Second B. M. Why, sir, I — Hay. {authoritatively). Jest shell right out an' pay. D'ye hear? (Second B. M. tJirows down money spitefully; Loafers retire to table.) Ha, ha, ha ! Nuthin' like havin' friends ez takes an interest in ye. {Goes down L. i e. with Policeman.) Wa'all, squire, which side o' me du you want tu see fust ? Police. Shure, and I would see yeez alone, sur. Hay. Don't be afeard, squire. If you've enything tu say, j'ist spit er right out. Police. Shure, and your two friends — • Hay. Oh, ye needn't mind them. We three, like cats, dogs, an' chickens, eat out o' the same dish ; tliat is. jest at present. Why, I wouldn't hev nuthin' whispered tu me without them a-hearin' it for a full-blooded Chester pig. I wouldn't, by Methuselali. Let er slide, squire. Police. Well, sor, as a policeman {straightening himself up proudly), and knowing yeez to be from the counthry, and 36 THE GRANGER. in the company of sharpers, I havfr taken upon meself the liberty to follow yeez ez becomes me profession. Shure, and I have informed yeez before, that these two gintlemen were pickpockets ; but yeez still cling to thejn as affectionately as a sick kitten to a hot brick. Shure, and they cling to yeez in the same way, too, afther knowing meself to be a policeman, and upon their track. I fail lo understand it at all, at all. Begorra ! unless they travel at once, I shall put thim under arrest. Hay. I wouldn't du it, squire; I'll be durned if I would. Arrest a man tu many times on suspicion, an' you sort o' spile him. Durned if I hain't seen a dog whipped for lookin' at sheep until they kind o' made a sheep out o' the dog. Now, I sorter think a thief kin be halter broke so ez tu be led right in tu temptation, an' come out ez unscathed ez a sala- mander out o' the fire. Don't believe it, du ye } Police. Begorra! I'd give them the handcuffs ivery toime. Hay. Wa'all, now handcuffs tu me are a good deal like a poke on a hoss. They don't look purty ; an' besides, they give the hoss a bad name. Why, look a-here, squire ; these chaps, tu me. look good deal more like editors tu some Sunday-school weekly than they du pickpockets. They du, by Methuselah. Police. Yeez have not learned to recognize sharpers by their foine clothes and ilh'gant manners, son Hay. Then sharpers dress in broadcloth, du they .-' Wa'all, wa'all, that beats the Dutch ! Believing these tu chaps tu be thieves jest makes me homesick. Purty sure you told the truth, ain't ye ? Police. Shure and I did, sor. I know thim well. Be- gorra ! they show guilt in their faces at this idintical moment. (B. M. /00k sheepish.) Hay. You don't say. Wa'all, I'll be blowed ! Chaps ez slick ez a new bonnet in a bandbox, a-hankerin' arter a man's spare change. I wouldn't a-thought it ; I wouldn't, by Methuselah. {Looking down.) Here ! I'll be Skowhe- gan plunketed, if they ain't in my pockets now. {Shoufs.) Cotch on tu 'em ! Don't let 'em git away ! Police. {rusJiing up). Come to my assistance, ivery mother's son of yeez. {AH ritsh npon thieves. Policeman and Loafer di-ag B. M. to R., the others drag B. M. to L. As they do so, the traps and chains are discovered fastened to their hands, A II start back in surprise.^ THE GRANGER. 3/ Police. What the divil is all that ? Bar. {goitig behind bar laicghing). A genuine Yankee trick. Loafer. Ha, ha, ha ! Boxed as neat as a fox in a trap. Second B. M. Yes ; curse him ! This is the result of trying to pick up a damned country clown. Third B. M. Give us an opportunity, though, and we'll sift the hayseed out of his hair; and don't you forget it. Hay. W — w — what's the matter round here.'' Eny o' you chaps struck a hornet's nest? Let 'em run right off with a man's property, wouldn't ye.'' {To B. M.) Where ye started tu with them traps? Second B. M. You promised if we obeyed your wishes to keep us from the police. You have lied, curse you ! Hay. Wa'all, now, I didn't intend tu; durned if I did. Sorter reckon I won't either. Just wanted tu show you off, that's all. Why, look a-here; durned if you don't look like tu peacocks caught out in a rain. You du, by Methuselah. Second B. M. Yes ; two peacocks in the coils of an old snake. Give — Hay. {lifting his hand). Shet right up, or LU mash you intu a pint o' hot mush. Police. Case enough against them for arrest. Hay. Wa'all, you can't du it if there is. I'm jedge an' jury o' these tu chaps, an' jailer, tu. {To Third B. M.) Now, you jest pay the drinks for the crowd, an' Pll let down the bars an' give ye a chance tu travel ; that is, providin' you're purty considerable kind o' civil. Will ye du it ? Third B. M. Yes ; to be out of these traps, and your company, I'd pay for a hundred drinks. Hay. Thank'ee ! Don't appreciate me ez you did, du ye ? Like eatin' tu many green peas, 'cause you like 'em, an' then hatin' the effect arlerwards. Wa'all, gentlemen, walk right up tu the counter. {All go to bar.) Kind o' reckon I'll keep you on the same kind o' fodder. {Fills their glasses same as before.) Wa'all, gentlemen, drink tugether like a lot o' bosses at a trough. {All drink but B. M.) Down with thet Congress Water, I say, or I'll trot ye over the hull city. (B. M. drink.) Third B. M. {throwing down money). There! If your revenge is complete, just remove these bracelets. Hay. Why, sartin. Glad tu accommodate ye in anything practicable. {Takitig hold of traps.) When you go tu Oxford County, Maine, jest call on Solomon Slopeworth, an' he'll treat you tu ez good a meal o' farm produce ez you ever tasted. {Opens traps and lets them out.) An' another 38 THE GRANGER. thing. When you pick up another Granger on the street, don't take him for a pumpkin until you have tested the rind. A heap o' farmers, sunburnt an' rusty lookin', are jest ez well posted an' shrewd ez you high-toned chaps, who kin support a cane an' a stove-pipe hat. Now you kin go. [The two B. M. S7ieak out, R. c. back; as t/iej go, Loafer starts the shout, '■'■ Hurrah for the Granger!'''' m which the others Join.) (Loafers, Policeman, and Barkeeper suj-round Hay- maker, and examitie traps and chain si) Loafer. Well, that beats all the thief protectors I ever saw. Police, Shure, and did yeez have thim fastened whin on the strate ? Hay. Sorter reckon I did, squire. Bark. Well, how do you work the thing, anyway ? Hay. Won't try tu pick my pockets if I tell ye, I s'pose ? Bark. Hardly, unless I am crazy. Hay. Wa'all, I sot the traps so {^sets traps); then I places 'em in my pockets this way (^places traps in his pockets), an' when the sign is right, show 'em my money {takes out rolls of bills) ; then return it tu my pockets {retitrns 7noney to his pockets), arter which, I turn around, kind o' absent-minded like, this way {turns around facing c, back), an' let 'em work. Want tu try it, eny on ye? (^All say '■'■ No ! no T'' and fall back.) Bet tu dollars there ain't one on ye kin hit the genuine article without being caught. Bark. The man who takes you for a spring chicken will get left. I can see that plainly. Hay. I reckon you're correct, squire. S'pose I've trav- elled all over Europe, an' the north part of Maine, for nuthin' .-* Tried this same scheme on in New York, an' it worked jest like a charm. Caught four on 'em in one day. Weren't but a leetle behind in Chicago, nuther. Durnedifthet Chicago ain't the wust place for blacklegs I wus ever in. Why, 3'ou'll find 'em stuck on tu every corner ez thick ez flies on tu a lump o' sugar. They don't want tu fool round Solomon Slopeworth, though, or they'll find his eyes ez wide open ez Uncle Zekiel's wus, when the boys tried tu pitch him intu the river. Bark. How was that ? Hay. {seating himself at table, a7id throwing one leg across it). Wa'all, the boys, ye see, hired Uncle Zekiel, who weighed some over tu hundred pound, an' wus sorter foolish on top o' that, tu kneel an' pray on the eend o' a plank THE GRANGER. 39 bridaje where the water wus some over four feet deep under- neath. Their intentions wus, when he got well tu goin', tu jest creep up behind an' shove him off; but Uncle Zekiel kiender smelt a rat, an' so prayed with his eyes wide open. They told him ez how no man ez wus a prayin' man ever prayed in thet sort o' style ; but Zekiel answered, that he wus prayin' jest ez he wus taught tu du in the Scripters. When asked how thet wus, he told them that, in the Scripters, he wus commanded tu watch ez well ez tu pray ; an' thet wus jest what he wus a-tryin' tu du. {All laugh!) 1 tell ye, squire, I'm. like Uncle Zekiel ; I'm alius on the watch. Police. Did yeez iver get come up wid, sor .'' Hay. Never did, squire; though I'll allow I've been in some purty tight places. 1 sorter seem tu attract sharpers, somehow, jest like a puddle o' molasses a lot o' flies. Why, they went clean tu Oxford County, Maine, tu du me up with the bogus gold-brick scheme ; but I outwitted the hull lot. Ike Hicky, though, next-door neighbor tu me, didn't pan out so lucky. Bark. They scooped him in, did they? Hay. Tu thousand dollars in clean cash. But, then, Ike alius wus unlucky, an' absent-minded, tu. Durned if he wouldn't forget his own name sometimes, an' hev tu ask his wife what it wus. He'd walk haff a day in the rain with an amberil right under his arm, an' then wonder wliy in thunder he didn't take one with him. Why, Ike got married on a Saturday, tuck his new bride tu church the next day, an' arter services, hitched up his team an' druv clean tu miles towards hum alone, afore he recollected he wus a married man. Then he druv back an' took her in. Absent-minded 1 I guess he wus. Bark. If he was as unlucky accordingly, he must have led a miserable life. Hay. Miserable? Ike Hicky wus so pesky unlucky, he couldn't be miserable. He didn't hev time atween showers. Why, look a-here ; I've seen young 'uns spanked so often, that tu miss a punishment 'ud make 'em feel unhappy ; an' it wus some so with Ike. If a day passed without somethin' going wrong, it jest put him all out o' jint. Unlucky? Why, i saw more ill-luck pile on tu thet man in five minits once, than 'ud fall on tu an ordinary man in ten years. Bark. How did that happen ? Hay. Wa'all, Ike got tu arguin' with his wife once, an' usin' his right forefinger for a pointer, gave her a plum-centre hit clean in the right eye. She tilted over back, kind o- tragic-iikej ^n' fainted, Bein' g. woman ez weighed some 40 THE GRANGER. over tu hundred pounds, the fall, ez you may imagine, wus not sliglit. She went through the dinner-table ker-smash, broke the leg o' one child in the fall, knocked over the stove, sent seven lengths o' sooty pipe through four lights of ten-by- twelve glass, which frightened a couple o' colts in the front y;ard; the colts waltzed over the fence intu a herd o' tu-year old steers ; the steers an' colts run against some props ez wus used tu hold up an old barn ; the props gave way, the barn collapsed, killin' the hull lot, besides smashin' a top buggy, an' a bran new sleigh which Ike hed stored away for winter use. And all of this happened on one of Ike's most favorable days, tu. {All laugh.') (Richard and Minnie, disguised as musicians, enierfrom R. c, back ; they remain standing doiun r.) Bark, {laughing). Look here, my suburban friend, I think you are spreading that on too thick. Hay. Du ye .^ Don't know Ike Hicky ez well ez I du, I reckon, or you'd think different. Why, Ike built a barn once ; an' what did the pesky jackass du, but place the foun- dation upon a bed o' pure undefiled clay. The result wus, when the frost came it warped the pesky thing so completely out o' shape, that it couldn't hardly stand still. In the barn wus some forty head o' cattle, which Ike wus a-winterin' the fust season. There wus Jarseys, an' Shorthorns, an' SufTolks, an' Ayrshires, an' some ez wasn't neither but a leetle of all. They wus ez straight, plump, well-proportioned cattle when they entered that barn in the fall ez a man 'ud wish tu see ; but you'd orter seen 'em in the spring. So confoundedly did that barn warp an' double up durin' the winter months, that, wlien them air cattle wus let out tu pasture in the month o' May, I'll be blest if each one on 'em weren't twisted com- pletely out o' shape. Now that's a fact, bv Methuselah. {All laugh.) Bark, {placing glasses and decanter on table). Here, walk right up, gentlemen. {All go to bar.) A yarn like that needs washing to go down with good relish. Police. Begorra ! and thin it will digest as hard as ould cheese. Loafer {after glasses are filled). Here is luck to Ike Hicky. the unluckiest man in the State of Maine. Second Loafer. And may he never have a worse neigh- bor beside him than Solomon Slopeworth. Hay. Thankee! Thankee! {All drink:) Bark, {perceiving Richard (tw;?' Minnie down r.). Well, what are you two looking for .'' THE GRANGER. 4I Richard (^advancing to bar as others fall back. Police- man goes down L. ; Loafers seat themselves at table; Haymaker leans against connter L. c). Can we sing, sir, for a few pennies, my sister and I ? We will try and please )'0u, sir. Bark. Singing not allowed in the house. Go on to the street. MiN. {advancing). Just one song, please. If we do not please the gentlemen — Bark. 1 tell you — Hay. Hold on, squire. I ruther hear singin' than a Congressional speech eny day in the week. Jest let 'em warble once, if they want tu. Bark. Very well, to please you. Well, if you have any music in you, let us hear it. (Richard and Minnie advance to c. of stage and sing song. If musicians, a guitar, or some other instrujnent, or in- struments, played by them, would add greatly to the effect. At close, all cheer and call for more.) Hay. Skowhegan plunket ! look a-here. I've got a gal at home ez kin warble like a linnet ; an' I'll be durned if this gal don't sing jest like her. Squire, I'd like tu hear 'em agin. Police. Begorra ! I second the motion. Bark. Very well ! Give us another song. {Second song. At close all clap their hands and cheer. Minnie passes around small box for pennies.) MiN. {approaching Hay.). A few pennies, please. Hay. {taking out roll of bills). Solomon Slopeworth don't pay for no sech singin' ez that with pennies. Here's a tu-dollar bill {throwing bill into box) ; an' if you're an honest couple, an' in want, I'll double it. MiN. W^e try to be honest, sir. We have ourselves and a sick mother to support, and do it by singing. It is our only means of earning a living. Hay. {to Police.). Know enything about this couple, squire ? Police. Niver saw the loikes of thim before, sor. Loafer. Where do you live ? Rich. Just off from Court Square, sir. Moved here from New York two weeks ago. Bark. Why did you leave that city for this ? Rich. We were burned out, sir. Only a few books to which my father attached great value were saved. My father 42 THE GRANGER. lost his life in the fire, and we keep the books on that account. A brother to my mother is somewhere in this city, and we came here to find htm. We got out of money, and so took rooms, and my sister and I play and sing for a living. MiN. You see, sir, my father believed in something diiier- ent from most people, and had a lot of books that treated on the subject. My brother Harry believes in the same tiling, and so refuses to sell the books unless' we are in absolute want. Father calls his belief — calls it — well — {Hesitates.) Harry, what is it father calls his belief.? Rich. Evolution. Hay. {starting quickly'). Hey? Wus that your father's belief.'' Skowhegan plunket ! I should hev liked tu hev met him. Are the books thet are saved relatin' tu thet subject ? Rich. They are, sir ; though the books of Darwin were burned. I lay up ten cents a week toward buying a new set ; but the money comes slow, sir, very slow. Hay. You shall hev the books, yengster ; every one on 'em. Skowhegan plunket ! I'll pay for 'em out of my own pocket. Evolution ? Why, thet is one of the grandest beliefs under the sun. The only true an' correct theory ez wus ever advanced ez tu the origin o' man. I believe in it clean tu the backbone. I advocate it, yengster; an' if you are makin' it a study, an' need help, jest call on Solomon Slopeworth, an' you'll find it. MiN. Oh, sir, I wish you could see his books. You might assist him. Hay. Wa'all, I kin. I'll go right tu the house. Go right hum with you this minit. Rich. Can you do so without trouble to yourself? It is not a great way, sir, and we can show you quickly. It is a humble place, but we are poor, sir. Hay. Don't care a durn about the place. {Crosses to the table and picks up carpet-bag.) I jest want tu see them books. Whenever I see a young man ez is bound tu get at the truth, he'll find Solomon Slopeworth ther tu help him, if he has tu crawl through a thorn bed tu du it. Yengster, jest lead the way tu them air books. (Richard exit r. c, back, followed by Minnie, Haymaker, a7td Policeman ; Barkeeper reuiains behind bar, ajid Loafers seated at table as scene closes in.) THE GRANGER. 43 Scene 3. — Plain kitchen or sitting-room. Lounge c. L. ; table R. C, on which are dishes, food^ lighted lamp, etc.; chairs R. and L. Entrance R. c. back and L. 3 E. As scene opens, Mrs. Haymaker is arranging table. Mrs. Hay. This is a queer proceeding, I must confess. Deserting my own home, stealing away to the city here lil