Give the Women a Chance HARRY L. NEWTON'S One-Act Comedy Sketches, Monologues and Dramatic Episodes ACTOR AND THE JANITOR, THE A Comic Novelty Act CASEY THE INVENTOR A Vaudeville Comic CHATTER Monologue for Males COLLEGE CHUMS, THE A Comedy Incident DOWN IN PARADISE ALLEY Comedy Sketch FAMILY SECRET Monologue GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE A Suffragette Monologue IMMIGRANT INSPECTOR A Comedy Taikfest IN A CABARET Comedy Crossfire INVITATION TO THE BALL Comedy Sketch IZZY'S VACATION A Summer Episode JACK AND HIS QUEEN. A A Comedietta KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL Comedy Sketch MEET MY WIFE A Comedy Drama MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE, THE A Comedy Domestic Upheaval PAIR OF PANTS. A Talking Act ROSE OF MEXICO, A A Drama SALLIE AND SAMMIE A Comedy Skit SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD. THE Comedy TWO GIRLS AND HIM Comedy Sketch WHAT EVERY WOMAN THINKS SHE KNOWS Suffragette Monologue Price, 25 Cents Each I r: M. WITMARK & SONS Witmark Building, J44-146 West 37th Street, New York FRANK DUMONT'S FAMOUS PLAYS "A TRAMP AMONG CRANKS," Ur PERPETUAL MOTION. Sketch tor 6 males. By Frank Dumont A laughable experience in a sanitarium of "eccentric** inventors. Contains an excellent low comedy part. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "TWO WOMEN AND ONE MAN.** Sketch for two females. By Frank Dumont. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Bella Sanders, | t:« ^ 11 XI7 11- ^ \ College Chums Estelle Williams, ) ^ Two sclioolmates meet, not having seen each other since leaving college. The talk over old times is very amusing. Naturally, they talk over the good and bad points of other mates, although neither believed in "running down" their neighbors. While in college they had agreed never to marry without consulting the other, but time changes matters and they both fall in love with the same man. Nothing could bring discord to these two loyal friends — but — the man — makes a change, and, womanlike, they abuse each other with the tongue. It turns out that the man marries one of their despised mates, so nothing is left but to console each other by ridiculing the man's choice. Excellent sketch for two ladies. Can be done in white or black face. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD." A Modern Musical Burlesque. By Frank Dumont. Five Males — Two females. There are many burlesques on "Little Red Riding Hood." Mr. Dumont, however, has really outdone all others on this occasion. Ours is an unusual production. We have incorporated all the musical numbers in the book of the play, including the dramatic or cue music. Any musical society can handle this version. Contains excellent speaking parts and abounds in good comedy lines and music. Price, 50 cents, postpaid. With complete piano score of original vocal and incidental numbers. We also rent manuscript arrangements for orchestra when desired. M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark Bldg. New York POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE A SUFFRAGETTE MONOLOGUE By HARRY L. NEWTON Copyright MCMXIV by M. ]Vitmark & Sons International copyris:ht secured Published by M. WITMARK & SONS Witmark Building, New York CHICAGO LONDON (;i\K THK WOMKN A CHANCE. Note — The act'uifi riijlits of this Monologue are ex- f^ressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom P}ofessionals 7i'ho 7vish to produce it should opl^ly. Amateur representation may be made without such application and with- out charge. ©CLD ;i8()30 SEP -2 1914 "GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE." My dear sisters, as an officer in the army of suffragettes, it becomes my duty to scatter broad- cast general orders and commands. In our glorious campaign against our common enemy — m_an — it behooves us to frame our plans of action. It is our duty, dear sisters, to look as attractive as possible at all times. As witness me ! It is a great battle we are fighting. Therefore, be sure and keep your powder dry. Remember, all's fair in war, so it is therefore permissible to take as many men captives as you may wish. If you catch a man, hold on to him ; it may be your one and only chance. We are fighting for a great cause. If you happen to forget what it is, ask a man. Men always re- member all things political. Keep your hair and your courage up, sisters, your temper down, your feet dry and your nose powdered. Give the women a chance. In giving this lecture, night after night, I have attained quite a reputation. So famous have I be- come that two large cities in the middle-west have both claimed me as belonging to them. St. Louis, for instance, claims that I belong in Chicago, and Chicago just as emphatically declares that I belong in St. Louis. Give the women a chance ! But they can't stop me from talking. The police claim that when a suffragette gets in jail, they can't get her to open her mouth, and when she's out of jail, they can't get her to close her mouth. (,i\ 1-: rill-: \\( )Mi:.\ a c iiaxcf I'd like to sec some half portion of a man with a six and scven-cigliths hatting average attempt to gag me. It's painfnlly I rue lliat man was made first, hut he's heen after the women ever since. And man is one of the greatest prohlems j)of)r woman has to solve. lor instance, no woman can understand why it is that a man will spend three dollars a week for fl(jwers while he's trying to get the girl, and after he's married to her he won't even lake home a nickel's worth of dandelions. .\ man can discover the north or south pole, hut can't tinxl where a hook and eye come together in the hack of his wife's gown. Man gets altogether too much credit where he shouldn't. I^'or instance, take the "leather of Writers." It's an outrage. It should he the "Mother of W aters." since it is the Mrs. Ippi. < live the women a chance. A man will go sound to sleej) if his wife tries to talk to him after supper, hut he can walk around a ix)ol tahle i)laying Kelly Tool for fifteen hours and never hat an eye. r.efore a man marries he swears hy his fiancee. After he marries he swears at his wife. ( ii\e the women a chance. It is claimed hy many that woman's sphere in life is marriage, that a woman will never know what true happiness is until she gets married. That mav he true, hut then it will he loo late for her to ai)preciate it. ^ GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE Women who marry in haste often see better bargains at their leisure. We don't need the men, sisters. When a couple get married the minister says : ''You are now one." And he's right. The wife is one and the husband is nothing. Give the women a chance. At that, women believe in marriage more than the men. To illustrate : A bride is always dressed in white ; white dress, white slippers, veil and so forth. Why? Because white is a color denoting the festive, joyous occasion. • On the other hand, look at the groom. He's always dressed in black, isn't he? Give the women a chance. Married men claim that nowadays life for them is just one blamed hook after another. From the time they are "hooked" at the altar until they begin to hook their wife's gown in the back, it is nothing but hooks. And where, sisters, is the man living to-day who can hook his wife's gown and refrain from a certain vocabulary? The wife calls to her husband to come and hook her in the back. He obeys, but if he had his say he'd hook her in the jaw. But he grabs a hook in one hand and begins an exploration for an eye across a two inch chasm of lace. And when he cannot find a partner for a certain young hook, he artfully hitches him onto a hunk of lace instead. All the time he is making a noise like a grouch, with remarks like these : "Why the deuce don't you pull those strings tighter s- this dress can get together?" Or: "Gee, but you've GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE got fat since \()U liad this dress made." And all the while poor wife is doiii*^ an Isad«>re Duncan about the room in a frenzied attempt to assist him. Tliey say tliat King Solomon had a thousand \vive>. hut he had a snaj). Not one of his wives had t« he hooked in the back. lUu to return. just as. friend husband gets the last hook hooked, she says: "John, unhook tliem again. I think ril wear my oilier corset." (live llie women a chance. Some wise man has now made the discovery that we can do without sleep. We've been sleeping away years of our lives, all to no pur])ose. Leave it to man to give woman the worst of it. If man is taught to do without sleep, what chance w ill woman have to go through his pockets. (jive the women a chance. And speaking of money, our government, now run by men. issues a new ])icce of money and they claim it takes fully si.\ months to get it int<^ circulation. W Ould it take six months to get it into circula- tion it a woman was llic lirsl to get her hands on it? No. ( iive the women a chance. Now. sisters. 1 have no desire to po.se as a diampion for every last member of our sex. We are not every one of us perfect. We are nearly, but not (|uite. b'or instance. I have little use for the girl whose skirl is so tight that she can't bciid over to turn a wringer or chase a p.iir of her brother's socks up and down a washboard. CAVE THE WOAIEN A CHANCE 6 Also there is the girl with the chewing gum habit. A girl afflicted with the chewing gum habit is a sure sign that she has nothing on her mind but her hair, and the chances are that that isn't original. No, sisters, women have a few things to learn yet — but not many. And if one woman doesn't know it, another one does. Seated next to me at a theatre the other evening v;'as a woman. She didn't know the name of the opera they were singing. I had to tell her. I make it a point to know these things. I saw the name of the opera on the curtain. It was ''Asbestos." Another discovery I made at the theatre was, that women go to see what the actresses wear, while the men go to see what they don't wear. This merely comes from being a close observer. But I digress. Hard times are surely wath us, and they couldn't be worse, so why not give the women a chance. Witness the manner in which foodstuff is going up in price. A\'hy, it won't be long at this rate before beefsteak will become our national currency. We'll soon be going into a store, buying something, pay- ing for it w^ith a chunk of beefsteak and for change we'll get back a couple of porkchops. Give the women a chance. Every year women school teachers receive pro- posals of marriage, but very few ever accept them. Why? I'm here to answer that question. A school teacher has hard work supporting one on the salary she gets. That's why. iil\ K THI-: WOMEN A CHANCE No. dear sisters, wc (kmand the same right to vote, run for office and hold political jobs the same as men. In other words, we demand the same right to go out nights and "sit up with a sick frien r» ^7 T -..T 017 401 126 6 HARRY L. NEWIOJN "A Rose of Mexico" A Comedy-Dramatic Playlet of Mexican Life. An Original Dramatic Playlet for one Male and one Female, the scene of which is laid in Mexico The story is of Carinita, a Mexican pirl, recently returned from school in the United States, and Pedro. a Mexican youth who has turned bandit in her ab- sence to secure money enough to ask her to marry him. "A Pair of Pants" A Rapid-Fire Talking Act. This act for straight man and comedian who wants his three dollars, while the other wants his pants, runs riot with fun, gags, absurdities and snap- py lines. Plenty of opportunity for good acting. *'A Jack and His Queen" Comedietta in one act for two Males and one Female. Jack Windsor, a young bachelor, returned from an eight years' tour of the world, he decides to settle down by marrying his fiancee. Flora Mason. Flora pa)s a surreptitious visit to Jack's apartments. "Tot- tie Twinklctoes," a dancer, is to call. Jack discovers Flora in his rooms and mistakes her for Tottie. Flora keeps up the deception and some very smart dialogue ensues. "An Invitation to the Ball" A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. Plenty of work nnd good comedy for Mose John- son, a colored servant, and Birdie Birdsdl. the daugh- ter of his master, who has made up her mind to at- tend a masque ball with Mose in attendance. ^'Chatter" A Monologue for Males. This is a brisk and breezy up-to-date monologue for light or low comedians. It is a whirlwind of com- ical lines which reach the apex of wit. Used with great success by professional entertainers. "Down in Paradise Alley** An East Side Episode for one Male and one Female. •Tells a delightful story of a young college gradit- ate who has fallen in love with Jerry O'Connell^ a lit- tle East Side street singer, li\ing in Paradise Alle^', New York. A charming little playlet in which com- edy and pathos are beautifully blended. The special- ties introduced throughout the playlet are at the op- tion of the performers. 'Family Secrets' A Monologue for Rube Girl. This Rube Girl hands you a laugh every two sec- onds on a subject which appeals to all, viz., her de- ccription of her home and "folks" Up-State. 'Izzy*s Vacation' A summer episode in two scenes. This is a splendid comedy for Hebrew comedians and lady who can play pert young miss. Izzy Goldberg is on a vacation in the country and running across Grace Howe, a breezy person who, in the spirit oi mischief, accuses Izzy of having followed her "Keep Your Eye on^he Ball" A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. For a clever Irish comedian and leading woman Madame Blavatsky, fortune teller, has money disguises himself as Madame Blavatsky. The coniplications that follow must be read to be appre- ciated. Meet My Wife' A Comedy SketcK for two Miles and one Female. George Chamberlain, a hen-pecked husband, may not drink, smoke or have an opinion of his own with- out his wife's permission. With the arrival of a friend, Percy Hamilton, he enters into a plot to cir- cumvent his wife and eventually becomes piaster in his own house. "The Spirit of Captain Kidd" A Vaudeville Playlet in two scenes. Dealing with the absurd adventures of Timothy McSorley, an Irish laborer, and Hi Grass, a regular rube, who, on learning of treasure buried by the no- torious pirate. Captain Kidd, set out to find it. This excruciatingly funny playlet is in two scenes. It is one long scre^in from start to finish. "Two Girls and Him" A Comedy classic in one scene for two Females and one Male. TTiere is a vein of exquisite sentiment running through this little playlet. Florence and Birdie Feathertop find themselves stranded. Timothy McDufT hears of their sad plight and spends his earnings to pay their way to the city "What Every Woman Thinks She Knows* A Suffragette Monologue. This monologue on the suflTragiettc question-is a scream from beginning to end. More ludicrous "pat- ter" could not well be imagined. There is a dash of brilliant wit and humor that cannot fail to please. ANY OF THE ABOVE 25 CENTS EACH M. WITMARK & SONS 86 WIIMARK BUILDING New^ York