PS ^^\b:^ the disadvantages of BEING GOOD AND OTHER LAPSES By J. EDGAR PARK 3B Class l'l:-^ ;S 6l Book Ji^mJlB COPYRIGHT DEPOSm THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD AND OTHER LAPSES THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD AND OTHER LAPSES BY Jf EDGAR PARK Done at the Print Shop of Ernest F. Dow West Newton. Mass. 1915 -Jb J b COPYRIGHT 1915 by J. EDGAR PARK i 0^ DEC 17 1915 DEDICATED TO THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO COULD STAND IT-^ THE PEOPLE OF WEST NEWTON BY THE SAME AUTHOR THE KEEN JOY OF LIVING THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT THE WONDER OF HIS GRACIOUS WORDS THE MAN WHO MISSED CHRISTMAS PARABLES OF LIFE THE REJUVENATION OF FATHER CHRISTMAS THE DWARF'S SPELL HOW I SPENT MY MILLION THE CHILDREN'S BREAD The Pilgrim Press, 14 Beacon St., Boston also THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD Ernest F. Dow, Publisher, West Newton, Mass. 50 Cents Post Free TO THE READER All these papers have been published before and most of them have been reprinted many times in various periodicals. They are gathered together now for the first time and the entire proceeds of this edition go to the good work of the West New- ton Day Nursery. The third essay was reprinted in an English paper and another English paper awarded the first prize to one sentence of it as the best example that week of a "howler." Can the reader guess which was the sentence and decide if the English- men were right? One of the rhymes was first printed anony- mously on the West Newton Church Calendar. A few months after, the writer received a paper containing it from California, from a friend who not knowing he was the author thought the lines would please him, then a new hymn-book with the verse as foreword, and a year after a travelling salesman called to try and sell him copies of the verse printed on cards for distribution; such is anonymity! If you find anything you do not like or cannot understand in the following pages, it is probably meant to be a joke for the author being Scotch jokes "with deefeculty." J. E. P. West Newton. Christmastide. 1915. CONTENTS Page THE DISADVANTAGES_0£ BEING GOOD . . 1 HOW TO CONTROL YOUR FUTURE ... 7 THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE . . . .13 THE REVISION OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 22 WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF 28 SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES 35 UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS ... 42 THE HAPPINESS OF BEING GROWN UP . .51 THE WORLD, THE FLESH AND THE DEVIL . 56 TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS 64 OUR HEREDITARY SCARE 71 LAPSES FROM THE PROSAIC 75 y^ The Disadvantages of Being Good The twin babies are what are technically known as "both kinds" ; that is to say, he is a boy and she is a girl. The boy, like all boys, is good. He is one of those delightful children who haA^e learned in some pfenatal state of existence the consolation of the thumb. His thumb is meat and drink and philosophy to him. If he loses his bottle, if his rattle is taken away from him, if his mother fofgets him on the bed and he slips out and bumps his head on the floor, so that the plastef falls from the dining-room ceiling below, he does not open his mouth to cry at all. Nay, rather, with one somewhat Reproachful glance at the universe, with a con- 2 THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD trolled gulp of inward distress, he elevates his thumb and, with the sweetest sigh of resigna- tion in the world, he slips it in an unobtrusive and well-bred manner into his little mouth. He then proceeds quietly and rhythmically to make the best of the bad situation. Yes, there is no doubt that red-headed George is a good boy. His mother is continually saying that he is no trouble at all. Nor is there any doubt at all that Jane is a thoroughly bad child. Although she, like her brother, is only eight months old, yet she has already shown all the earmarks of a child of the devil, just as her brother is the paragon of all the angelic virtues. In fact, Jane is a typical girl. It would be a sad task to repeat all Jane's failings. One must be charitable with our fu- ture legislators, and yet, when it comes to stealing all her brother's playthings out of his very grasp, and putting her fingers in his eyes to try to make him cry, and tearing the wall pa- per off the wall near her crib, — well, in spite of gallantry, one really has to notice such things. But perhaps the infernally bad nature THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD 3 of her disposition is best seen in her vocal ex- ercises. I have often speculated, when a vis- itor in her home, as to what sound Jane could produce if she was having a leg sawed off slow- ly with a blunt saw. She makes such incredi- bly horrible and lamentable noises when her milk is not quite hot enough to suit her that it seems to me she has no margin of possibili- ties left for a more desperate occasion. The neighbors have a curious theory that a child never cries except when there is something wrong with it. Were I a neighbor with that theory, I would often believe that Jane was being tortured, when as a matter of fact Jane only wants to pull some one's hair, or demands her brother's rattle which he is enjoying for a few perilous moments, dodging his sister's in- furiated grabs. Now were the conventional views of mo- rality correct, we should all desire to be good children like George, and pray that we may not be bad children like Jane. But one cannot study the situation closely without seeing that there are very grave dis- advantages in being good. George has never 4 THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD had a good time in his whole life. He is sim- ply dressed and kissed, and told he is a good boy, and slung down somewhere and forgotten till Jane's voice informs the household it must be time for both children to be fed. Jane, on the other hand, has all the good times. She pulls the hair of all the visitors, and is toted around and allowed to come down with the rest of the family at all meal times. She has all the new toys and gets the most to eat. Why? Because she is bad in such a bewitching way. Because her mother and father simply have to do what she wants them to do if they wish to live in her house at all. So one day, when his mother was not around, I took little George upon my knee, and, gently removing his thumb from his mouth, spoke to him as follows : — "My dear boy, goodness is a very estima- ble thing; in fact, a very valuable characteris- tic, indeed. Understand me now, I do not wish to minimize its value in the world at all. But, if the truth be told, lots of goodness is only tameness, and lots of badness is called bad only because it makes the people who THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD 5 think themselves good feel uncomfortable. Allow me to say, my dear fellow, that you would be a far better man if you were not so good. In fact, Jane is a far better man than you are. Jane is training her parents to un- selfishness and hardihood. Jane's father be- fore he was married would have considered it impossible to do his day's work unless he had his nine hours' sleep every night. Since Jane came he is very thankful to get four. Jane makes all the people about her think of some one besides themselves, she is saving people from being selfish. Though she is bad, every one likes her. And into the bargain she is having a good time herself; she is de- veloping her lungs and her power of grasp. But you will excuse my saying that you are doing nothing for the people around you. For all that you do for them, they are as sel- fish and luxurious in their habits as ever. And you yourself are not getting the pleasure out of life you might. You will not be of as much use to the world. Your goodness is too negative. As the old hymn says : — 6 THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD " 'The whole world loves the quiet men Who sit all day as still as owls; But 'tis needless to mention It gives its attention To the man who gets up and howls.' "Or, to put the matter in another way, goodness to be any good must be interesting as well as good. **And the moral is," I hastened to add, as I saw George beginning to elevate his thumb again preparatory to closing the inter\^iew, "the moral is, either be bad like Jane, or be good in such an active and adventurous way as to be more interesting than she is." How to Control Your Future You must of course choose your great- grandparents very carefully if you want to be a really great man or woman. The way you smiled just now was first invented by your great-grand-aunt-on-your-mother's-side. Your delight in music was born in your great-grand- mother's mother's soul in the parlor in the old farm-house over the piano Sunday afternoons. And your dislike for cats is due to a fright her mother had in the barn when a kitten fell upon her in the dark. The desire to steal was strained out of your family six generations ago by a grand-uncle who refused to steal ap- ples in his youth, though greatly tempted to do so. Any one has only to read one of your 8 HOW TO CONTROL YOUR FUTURE grandparents' old love letters to see why you are so romantic. In fact, you are not really ''you" at all, you are merely the present phase of your family. Still, much depends upon you ; your family, like the moon, runs through its various phases ; you must see to it that in you it does not become fool. Heredity is a great force, and all you are is due to it. Some- where within you is the race-home where the family of whom you are the visible represent- ative live. There live the brute, the savage, the tribal chief, the crusader, the Mayflower passenger, the colonial dame, etc., to omit mention of many awkward poor relations. All of them at times try to pry open the door and stalk abroad into your life. Yes, there are even traces of Father Adam and Mother Eve in us all. It may in fact be said of us all as it was said of a Chinaman of note : — "Now the father, whose name was Hang U. High. Was the last of the race of the great I. Ligh, The father of Chinese history. He was very proud of his pedigree, And even declared that his lineage ran In a line direct to the very first man." HOW TO CONTROL YOUR FUTURE 9 But heredity, while it is without doubt the greatest force in controlling your future, is like predestination in this, that we do not know anything about it. It works, but we do not know how it works. All geniuses can be explained by the forces of heredity as we wisely assert, only we do not know how to explain them. Few geniuses are the children of genius. LL.D., Ph.D., D.D., marries M.A., Lit.D., and their son is Fiddle D.D. Seeing that this is so, there are two main objections to starting the work of controlling your future by choosing your great-grandparents careful- ly: (1). You cannot do it, it is too late now, and (2) you would not know whom to choose if it were possible. Seeing that these things are so, perhaps it might just be as well to accept yourself as your race has made you and try even with such poor material to control your future. A visit to a clairvoyant is a very popular way of starting to control your future. She will astonish you by her information. Notic- ing the style of your clothes, she will tell you that you are a man or woman as the case may 10 HOW TO CONTROL YOUR FUTURE be. With an eye on the ring on your finger, she will reveal certain other secrets of your life. She will then proceed to astonish you by her sketch of your future life. Every word she says will come true. She said you would have a great loss soon, and you had to have a tooth extracted the very next month. She said a dear relative would soon weep, and your mother's cousin lost a pet dog next week. She told you the business you were at would soon change; that the difficulty was coming; that, if you stood firm, you would get through it all right ; that there was one who loved you, and the way you looked when she said that, told her that she was safe in going further; and she prophesied everything just as it has come to pass with you — and with every one else since the beginning of the world. Won- derful ! Is it not? The fact is that there are so many coincidences in this world that any indefinite prophecy you like to make will come to pass. Try it yourself. Prophesy a few things about yourself at random : "I will meet an old friend soon, whom I have not seen for Years. I shall have a curious dream. I shall HOW TO CONTROL YOUR FUTURE 11 have a great success." You will find that they will all come to pass sooner or later except that you will have forgotten, and you will have saved the clairvoyant's fee. This is a world where most people's lives are written on their selves to a Sherlock Holmes ; it is a world of coincidences w^here any indefinite prophecy is sure to come to pass ultimately ; it is a world where we remember the times the thing we are looking for happened and forget the times it did not happen, so it is a great world for clairvoyants. But in the end they never help you much in controlling your future. How can you do it? Is it on Pull and Chance that we must depend? No, 1 think it is upon Work and Trust. Efificiency in the circle within your own control, and confidence in the justice of the circle without your own control, possess these, and the future is yours. After the mysteries of heredity and clair- voyancy it seems a paltry ending. Work as hard and as wisely as you can, trust the uni- verse and the Father's heart at the centre of 12 HOW TO CONTROL YOUR FUTURE the universe, and the world lies all open before you like the promised land. It may be years before you enter it, but it is yours all the time in certain prospect. Work never has failed in the end, trust never was disappointed in the end. The reason that so many of us have not controlled our futures better according to this simple law is that we would much rather sit in the sun on the piazza discussing heredity and clairvoyancy than work like Trojans at the appointed task which is to prepare us for the great future. The Folly of Getting There The great thing in life is not to get there, it is to be getting there. The fun, as a general rule, is over when you do get there, the fun is on the way. But we have all got the extra- ordinary idea that fixity is somehow a nobler thing than progress, that there is more fun in having done a thing than in doing it. "Isn't that a glorious view?" exclaims the automo- bilist to his travelling companion, and in the same breath she answers, *'Yes, it was" ; for they are both interested in getting to Twenty- third Street which is their destination. The "glorious views" through which they, are pass- ing are just "the preliminary services" to get- ting there. 'T want to finish this novel," we say, just as we say, too, "I want to say I've seen this picture," and we take a passing glance 13 14 THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE at it. Like the Irish peasants, we all want to be ''after doing a thing." A group of visitors were being shown through one of the rooms of the National Gal- lery in London by an expert who accompa- nied the party and described each picture for them. The business director of the party had been listening to the description in a con- scientious manner as he was looking up some railway time-tables which he held in his hand. When it was over, he wished to add his word to the expert's exposition. He said, ''There is one thing, ladies and gentlemen, which has not been mentioned, I think, which I would like to have you all notice especially. All the pictures in this room are originals, — not copies, but originals. Now it is a great thing to be able to say you have seen an original of these pictures." To which the expert added sotto voce, "Yes, and it is a greater thing to have seen them !" In his heart a passer-by added, "Yes, and it is a still greater thing to be seeing them !" The absolute folly of our prevailing mood of mind in this respect is especially noticeable THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE IS in our vacation tours. Our first end is to get packed. Then it is to get to the station in time for the train, and all the time in the train we worry as to whether it will get in, in time to catch the boat. On the boat we count up the run every day in the hopes of getting there a day earlier. We have a terri- ble scramble to get our baggage ofif first, in order that we may catch the first train for London. We do London, worrying much the last two days lest anything should occur to keep us from reaching Paris on time. We leave Paris with a sigh of relief that we have got there at any rate, but hoping that nothing will delay the train which is to bring us to Berlin. Somewhere between Paris and Ber- lin we begin to worry about our homeward trip, and the Mecca of our souls now is "to get through things" in time to get the boat at Liverpool which is to bring us home. Once we are home, we feel we shall have *'got there," and full felicity will be ours. We missed the fun of packing, we missed the fun of going to the station in a cab with our trunk strapped on behind. We missed the 16 THE FOLLV of GSTTINC 'THERE fun of sitting in the train feeling we had no- thing to do for six weeks and a visit to Europe before us. We missed the fun of lying for seven days like a primeval savage on our back in the sun thinking of nothing while the in- numerable laughter of the sea waves stretched around us as far as eye could reach. We missed the fun of landing in England, of loaf- ing in London, of reverting to Anglicism, oi dreaming half a day in Westminster. We never let Paris have time to soak into us, and all we remember of Berlin is the intricacy of the time-tables of trains and boats to bring us back to Liverpool. We got there, — that is to say, we got home again where we started from, — and found too late that we had missed the fun en route. All this is due to a defect in the human mind, for which, if we like, we can blame Plato and Aristotle. It is the result of their static philosophy. Everything must be motionless before it is worthy of investigation : so they seemed to think as they reduced life to essenc- es and states. So we seem to think as we re- fuse to take our joy on the wing as it is alive, THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE 17 and rush on to kill it and have it canned, thus killing the real life of joy which is in coming and going, nay, most of all, in becoming. So the parents pray for stage after stage of their children's life to be safely reached, worrying through each one about their passage to the next, till at last they do get there ; i. e., all the children are safely married and away from home, and the lonely birds in the empty nest begin to wonder if they could not have en- joyed their children more in each of the dif- ferent stages as they were going along. There are two useful principles in life which, if remembered, will do a great deal to correct this defect in our popular attitude towards life. The happiest thing in life is not to get something : it is to be doing something. Fight as we will against it, we all have implicitly at the back of our minds the assump- tion that the end of all endeavor is somehow to attain to the dignity of sitting still in the full possession of many things. *'Soul, thou hast much goods laid up for many years : take thine ease !" That idea in one form or ano- 18 THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE ther is El Dorado of all our hopes. As a race we have not even been able so far to imagine a heaven that we would not all be deadly tired of in a week. It is because all the heavens we have been able to imagine are expressed in terms of these two ideals, possession and sitting still. We have our golden harp, we sit upon our throne. The reason why all our heavens are dull is a simple one. In the slang American phrase it is because there is "nothing doing." Receiving is possessing, but giving is doing something and is more blessed. Let us all make up our minds to it ; no combination of outward circumstances, no possessions of any kind, can give us happiness ; happiness is a state of doing and of becoming. No state of circumstances that you could devise would give it to you except by a corresponding change in yourself. Happiness is an inward activity of the self, for the second principle is this, The most important thing in life is not to have got anywhere, it is to be going some- where. If to get there is the great end of life, then the important thing about you is how THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE 19 you die. We are all going either into the grave (it is a terribly dangerous world this, and it is a question whether any of us will get out of it alive), or we are going to shrink and shrivel up into extreme old age (and the end of that can be seen in the experience of Me- thuselah, who upon his nine hundredth birth- day said he was feeling very well if only his shoe strings would not flap so in his face). If the end is the thing, such is the end. But the end is not the thing, the thing is how we go along, how we behave at breakfast and in the street car on this day of the year of our grace 1911. In your home the end of all things is of comparatively little importance com- pared with the passing day. The question is not as to whether you will live to be a well- preserved old gentleman like Methuselah ; it is not as to whether you will get your soul safely saved in heaven ; it is as to whether you say your word of cheer and do your deed of kindliness in the light of this dull, common- place, every-day world. Breakfast is the test of all Christianity, at breakfast it shall be known. Christianity is the philosopher's 20 THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE Stone which turns every moment it touches into gold. To be saved is to be in love with the moment. You remember Marzial's little tragedy concerning the man who thought the end of life was to get there? — "She was only a woman, famished for loving, Mad for devotion and such slight things; And he was a very great musician. And used to finger his fiddle strings. "Her heart's sweet gamut is cracking and breaking For a look, for a touch — for such slight things; But he's such a very great musician. Grimacing and fing'ring his fiddle strings." Each moment comes to us as neutral. To each of us is given a magic wand with which to touch it and transfigure it. Our touch will make it either an angel or a devil. Towards each one of us now are coming, in strong, level flight, countless thousands of these angelic possibilities. One touch from us, and they may become for all time beau- tiful spirits. But he who rushed through life in order to get to heaven, when he arrived there found it empty, swept, and garnished ; and, when he asked, ''Where are the angels?" THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE 21 the answer came : *'You have been passing them unnoticed with the swiftness of light- ning, sixty every minute for the last fifty years. The only angels in heaven are those you bring with you." Being tired and disappointed, he asked for his throne upon which to sit down, but he was informed that there are no seats in heaven because there is no weariness there. What we call struggle here, there is peace. What we call love here, there is rest. Heaven is a road, not a hall. "This common road, with hedges high Confined on either hand, Will surely enter by and by vSome large luxurious land. "The many wayfarers on foot Have toiled from stage to stage, And others roll along the route With easy equipage. "All seek methinks that palace hall Whereon my thoughts are set. Press onward! Hear the angels call I 'Hasten! 'Tis farther yet!' "Dreamer! In vain thou hastenest; That golden throne resign; Take by the road thy joy, thy rest; The road, the road is thine." The Revision of the Ten Commandments I see by the papers that there is a move- ment afoot for the revision of the Ten Com- mandments. This comes as a great relief to me, as I have never felt quite easy about them in my own mind. It has always seemed to me that they are written from the wrong point of view. Now there are but two points of view from which the world may be regarded. You may look at the world from the inside of the automobile or you may look at the world from outside of the automobile, in as far as the dust will permit you to see any world at all. My objection to the Ten Commandments has al- ways been that they are written from the 22 THE REVISION OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 23 inside of the automobile, while all my life I have been outside in the dust and smell. Let us look at them for a few moments, that we may see if this analysis is not correct. The first commandment insists that I shall not dare to take as my God any god ex- cept the god of the man who is in power. The poor man must not worship a god of his own : he must worship the god which the upper classes think best for him. The second commandment declares that the poor and unlearned man must make no tangible representation of his god for an aid to his worship. The rich and educated do not need any such help to grasp their meta- physical deity, therefore the poor and concrete- minded man must not have it. The third commandment infers that, while the favored classes can laugh at the petty gods of the submerged tenth, it is blasphemy for the ignorant to scoiT at the god which the scholars consider best for them. The fourth commandment is the pro- nouncement of a class rich enough to have *'manservant and maidservant and cattle" as 24 THE REVISION OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS to how other people shall keep the weekly holiday in such a way as not to annoy the leisured and cultured classes at their worship or their golf. The fifth commandment can be kept only by those successful enough to be able to save a little something to put by to care for their parents in old age. The sixth commandment against murder is always the safeguard of tyranny. The seventh commandment is the precept of a class moneyed enough to marry and sup- port a home whenever it will. The eighth commandment is the bulwark of the propertied classes and always has been against those upon whose shoulders they are standing. The ninth commandment is the denial of the right of the consumer to investigate the ways of the producer lest he say unjust things. The tenth commandment preaches the time-worn lesson which the rich charity visitor has ever preached to the poor family, — that they ought to be content with their lot, and not ask for any fairer division of the good THE REVISION OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 25 things of this life than God has vouchsafed to grant at the present time. I should like to make my suggestion as to a real revision of these Ten Commandments from the point of view of the man outside the automobile. 1. Thou shalt not insist that other people shall worship thy god. 2. Thou shalt not dictate how other peo- ple shall worship their god. 3. Thou shalt not take the name of the gods of others in vain. 4. Remember to keep one day in seven sacred to the health and happiness of others. 5. So live that every one may have a chance to honor his parents and provide for them in old age. 6. Thou shalt not make the toiler hate thee and thy class by living an easy, idle and heartless life. Thou shalt care for the health and safety of those who work for thee as if their health and life were thine own. 7. Thou shalt pay thy workers enough so that they can marry and support a home of their own in comfort. Thou shalt not pay 26 THE REVISION OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS thy women workers less than enough to sup- port an honest life. 8. Thou shalt not tempt thy fellow-man to steal by treating him merely as a cog to be worked or left idle at pleasure in the dividend- producing machine. 9. Thou shalt not manipulate thy capi- tal in such an inhuman manner that the toil- ers and consumers shall in the end come to believe every evil against thee. 10. Thou shalt not display thy wealth in such a manner as to make others less weal- thy feel uncomfortable. Thou shalt not dress thy children so expensively as to make the hearts of all other children and of their parents to be sore within them. But as the very young curate said to the London congregation, "But, dearly beloved, we must not be too hard upon the twelve apostles." Perhaps the meaning in my re- vised form of the Ten Commandments is really in great part implicit in them in their original form. Perhaps it is only because most of the editions published of them have been for au- tomobile use only that they have sometimes THE REVISION OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 27 seemed to be a weapon to be used by the propertied and successful classes against the toilers of forge and furnace and those who are down and out. At any rate there is a better command- ment than any of them which at the same time includes all that is best in them all. These are but fences placed at the most dan- gerous points to save some of those who may have strayed from the Way of Life ; but up along the whole mountain side, in the Way itself, like a gleaming thread in the sunshine, there runs the Golden Rule, to follow which is perfect freedom. Why Ministers Play Golf The only really grave defect in Gutmann's monumental work, "The Sport of the Clergy," is the omission of an adequate treatment of the game of golf. It is monstrous that in a work where one whole volume is devoted to Surplices and fully ten pages to Theology, that Golf should be passed over with a paltry paragraph. For the benefit of any of our read- ers who may be outside the reach of Mr. Carnegie's generosity we quote this inade- quate paragraph. Gutmann, after speaking of the various outdoor sports favored by the clergy, such as street-walking, door-bell ring- ing, and en-graving, comes at last to golf which he defines as follows : — ''Golf is a game indulged in by Presbyter- ian ministers. It is played with short poles 28 WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF 29 similar to those formerly used to take church offerings. A man and a boy generally play together. The boy carries a bag with the various poles. The man selects seriatim the poles from the bag. The game, the interest of which it is said cannot be appreciated by an outsider, includes walking over certain fields called links* with the boy. The poles are frequently used to remove portions of the turf, so that the succeeding party can follow the tracks of the one going before" (pp. 164, 165, vol. vi.). Now altogether, apart from the serious omission of all mention of the ball, which in the case of all but the merest begin- ners' play forms such an important feature of the game, this account is upon other grounds entirely misleading. For very few clergymen, and those only in the larger churches, can af- ford a caddy at all. As a matter of fact, most ministers carry their own bag of staves. Passing from Gutmann's bulky work we find this subject noticed next in an excellent *A term derived from the German, because, in good play, after any stroke, as much of these as possible should be left. 30 WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF little brochure on Golf published by the Evan- gelistic Association. The theory advanced here as to why ministers play golf is, however, erroneous. The supreme interest of the game, according to this authority, centres upon the search after and recovery of the lost. Now it can only be stated that this is a mere out- sider's view of the game. To an onlooker the links often do seem to be covered with groups of individuals knee-deep in weeds or among bushes or poking their clubs, as the poet beautifully says, "by the banks of streams," all apparently in search of some- thing. The present writer himself once saw an outsider acutely observing a member of such a party who was on his hands and knees among some nettles looking down a hole in the ground. After some logical thought this friend asked the following question, ''Have you lost your ball?" This astounding suppo- sition was immediately corrected by the play- er, who informed the questioner politely of his mistaken inference, adding that the object of his search was the ten tribes of Israel. The cheerfulness with which this reply WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF 31 was given probably misled the well-meaning writer in the above-mentioned publication of the Evangelistic Association. The fact is that non-players in general are apt to place too much emphasis both upon the movements of real estate and upon the side excursions which are a mere incident in golf and of very little real importance in the game itself. They are but the relaxations indulged in by players from the strain of continuous playing which is intense. It is necessary, before coming to the real solution of this subject, to dispense with yet one other incorrect theory. The Rationalistic Press in its Tracts for the Times No. 265, under the caption, **Why Ministers play Golf," advances the theory that the reason is simply this, that in golf every- thing depends upon a good lie. The Ration- alistic Press is avowedly inimical to the cloth, and we cannot help feeling that some of this bias has crept into their analysis of our problem ; for, as a matter of fact, the actual state of the case — we state for the benefit of the Rationalistic Press — is simply this, that in golf a good lie is better than a bad lie. 32 WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF Coming-, then, to the really serious discussion of this great question, we may say, from an insider's point of view, that there are two main reasons why ministers play golf. (1) A great deal of mystery has always centred around the question, Who made the golf links? Beginners at the game are often worried over this problem. Only experience can bring at last home to the soul the true answer. As one goes on with the game, one finds every hole guarded with diabolic traps, every green gratuitously broken by humps and hollows, every long drive spoiled by hazards, real and suggested. Suddenly the real fact that every golfer knows, but seldom speaks about, dawns upon one : the devil made the golf links. The whole game is a metaphor. The white ball is the soul. It is the duty of the priest to guide the unsullied soul from stage to stage over a course filled with traps, bunkers, and hazards, by the evil one himself. He who has to lay the fewest strokes upon the soul he guides safely home wins the game. Golf, then, seem- ingly only a game, is really a ritual. It is es- WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF 33 pecially popular with the low-church and pro- testingly protestant clergy who find in it the same expression of high ideals which the priests of other faiths embody in the perform- ance of elaborate rites and ceremonies. And golf has the advantage of being in the open air. (2) The second reason why ministers play golf is somewhat different. It is well knowm that the ministry is a very irritating occupation. Ministers must accept all sorts of abuse silently. They must with door-mat humility be all things to all women. The result is that, being but human, they accumulate a vast supply of unexpressed profanity. Some ministers work this off upon their wives. But the nobler sort work it off in the long profane silences of golf. It is not merely in the viciousness with which the ball (for the time being representing some irrita- ting parishioner) may be struck that relief comes. It is still more in the silence that falls like balm upon the players when an easy put has been missed. In ordinary life silence is unexpressive. In the game of golf such 34 WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF silence is eloquent, almost eschatological, in- deed I myself have sometimes noticed a dis- tinct sulphurous odor upon the putting green during such a silence. Many a minister has worked off three weeks' store of parish worry in one such golphic silence. Little more can be said in the present state of our knowledge upon this profound subject. One can only conclude by referring to what is, after all, the most exhaustive study of the inner significance of the game : Prof. Niblick Green's great work, *'The Psychology of Golf" (Putt Lectures, St. Andrew's, 1903). In chapter five we find the following suggest- ive paragraph with which we conclude this study : — *'The worst hazard is a mental hazard. It is as hard to hit a golf-ball as to speak in public, and for the same reason. The follow- ing three rules will be a great help to begin- ners in both cases : — "Keep your eye on the ball ; ''Keep your feet on the ground ; "Carry your stroke through." Some Inexpensive Household Luxuries The necessities of life have all risen in price, but the real luxuries are still inexpen- sive. Bread and meat are dear, but love and jokes are as cheap as sunshine and moonshine. Necessities are so costly that almost the only v^ay an honest man can live is by stealing. But in this respect one can have a perfectly good conscience about the real luxuries, for like the best kisses they must by their very nature be stolen. They are the fairy fruit which must be snatched at only in passing and enjoyed incidentally, as almost inadvertently. In the social life of the home we often come to the edge of a precipice or up against a stone wall. In a moment we know we shall 33 36 SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES be over the edge ; in a moment there will be harsh words and estrangement, with or with- out temper and tears. Or it may be we feel ourselves helpless in the face of an unspeak- able situation, desperately impotent. Now the real title of this article (as the knight ex- plained to Alice) is "Luxurious ways of meet- ing conversationally difficult domestic situa- tions." "It is a good thing," said the sage, "to know the truth and to be able to talk about the truth ; but it is a better thing to know the truth and be able to talk about palm trees." There should be a large picture of the ir- relevant palm trees in every home. When Martha and I get into a discussion now, we seldom run the syllogistic stage into its infinite series, as we used to do, but according to a tacit understanding, the victory is accorded to the one who is the first to notice "How cool the palm trees look tonight !" The palm trees stand for the impotence of logic to settle any- thing worth settling. After we have talked about them for a while, and about our neigh- bor's dog, we are conscious that there was SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES 37 nothing to be discussed. The irrelevant set- tled it for US. So, too, when the junkman has offered you a dollar and you have said you will not take less than two for your old stove, do not let the junkman be the first to notice the weather and comment upon the prospect of early rain, but introduce your palm trees immediately. In nine cases out of ten you will find that the irrelevant will bring up his price. But the greatest value of palm trees is their humanizing influence. When you get desperately busy and worried and serious, when the market is bad and will keep on grow- ing worse if people do not attend to what you say, when things are all going to the dogs sim- ply because men will act so idiotic, though it is perfectly clear what they ought to do — then it is well to ease off your intense voice when you get home for a while and talk about palm trees. They afford great scope for discussion, and after you have dwelt upon them for a few moments from various points of view, you will find that either you or the other people will have got sense. 38 SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES Blessed is the man who, going through the ways of this world, dusty with all its in- finitely little gibble-gabble and humbug, yet remains serene and happy because it all affords him such an opportunity to talk to his heart's content upon that greatest of all subjects, palm trees. The saturated solution does not crys- tallize till some irrelevant object is introduced into it ; it will crystallize beautifully around a straw. In a similar way, thought often crys- tallizes around a palm tree. Hamerton writes to a young friend, re- ferring to a family scene he had witnessed : "Your mother asked you to what part of America your friend B. had emigrated, and you answered, 'The Argentine Republic' A shade of displeasure crossed your mother's face because she did not know where the Ar- gentine Republic was. You imprudently ad- ded that it was in South America. 'Yes, yes, I know very well,' she answered ; 'there was a great battle there during the American War. It is well your friend was not there under Jefferson Davis.' " Hamerton goes on to say, "That was a SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES 39 perfectly magnificent chance for you to hold your tongue." But who of us would have done it? Not one. We would all have snort- ed as the war horse for the fray and afifirmed, and explained, and at length fetched the atlas to prove to one indignant and blinded with tears that she had become confused between the Southern States and South America. Reader, I see you are hanging your head, so am I. Fellow-seekers after truth, lend me your ears that I may whisper into their furry depths : **In the life of the home there is a time to speak, and a time to keep silence." Some people have not brains enough to be silly themselves. But few people can resist the solvent influence of a piece of really ex- cellent fooling introduced at the right time. We all of us, of course, perceive the profound philosophy which underlies the remark of Mr. Weller Senior, that "circumwented" is a ''more tenderer" word than "circumscribed," but we do not apply this principle with enough of our forefathers' inflexible moral courage to the life of the home. The irrelevant is some- times only irritating, silence-infuriating, but 40 SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES there are few situations that will not yield to the subtle influence of the irrationally absurd. George Meredith begins his simple little ode, To the Comic Spirit, with the words, "Sword of Common Sense !" It is hard to tell whether the rest of the poem is an expla- nation or an exemplification of the comic spir- it, but this line is both. Fellow-mariners, in the wild adventure of domesticity, take this sword ; with it you will be able to cut many a Gordian knot. Humor takes brains, foolish- ness does not, and it is of foolishness I speak ; humor is too subtle a product for this work. The worst quarrel which Martha and I have ever had — which brought us indeed both to visit the public library at the same time surreptitiously to look up the conditions of the divorce laws — this worst quarrel was as to whether there had been two or three clergymen officiating in an Episcopal church we had at- tended that morning. I remember how just at its darkest hour that misunderstanding was cleared up by an excellent piece of foolish- ness which Martha sprung upon me. I should gladly tell you of it for the very thought SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES 41 of it makes me feel wiser and better still. But the peculiarity of all foolishness is that, being SO brainless, it is impossible to retell it. But if all these fail ; if the spark of irrel- evance goes out into darkness again, if silence is barren, if foolishness falls flat, is there no last desperate resort? One thing only can I recommend. I know it seems an old-fashioned remedy, but it sometimes does work. I am inclined to think that a man talks more sense during his courtship than at any other time in his life. There are two philosophic lines which are too obscure for the ordinary mind to grasp, and yet which contain more sound so- ciological verity than any other two lines ever written upon the social question. They are worth your study. They are these : *'A little bit of love Makes a very happy home." Unorthodox Interpretations When I was a child, I had not only to learn the ten commandments, but also what were called Scripture proofs for each of them. These proofs consisted of morsels of Scripture wrested from their context, which supported in their fragmentary form the contention of each particular commandment. I remember satisfying my infant sense of the injustice of this proceeding by making out a set of com- mandments each of which was the direct con- tradictory of the orthodox edition, and finding for each of these new commandments a num- ber of Scripture proofs. For instance, I re- member these : — 6. Thou shalt kill. 1 Kings xviii. 40; 1 Samuel xv. 3. Psalm cxxxvii. 9. 7. Thou shalt commit adultery. Gen. 42 UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS 43 xxix. ; Judges v. 30. 8. Thou shalt steal. Exodus xii. 36; Gen- esis xxvii. 24. I never dared show this revised list to any one, but derived much inward satisfaction from it. As I have grown older, I have been settled in the opinion that most theological arguments have been on a like uncomforta- bly reversible basis, and that most heretics have had more truth upon their side than it was safe for them to have without a corres- ponding sense of humor. When as a boy, I quoted to one of my near relatives the text, "He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh," as a justification of my behavior on Sabbath afternoon, he professed to be shocked beyond measure, and told me that my soul was in jeopardy, and "One, who even your irreligious nature must confess is the greatest authority in the world, has said, referring to the worth of one's soul, 'All that a man hath will he give for his life,' " whereat I shocked him still more by getting him to look up Job ii. 4 and see who it was he considered "the greatest authority." Samuel Butler gives this advice to the young: 44 UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS "Do not be too much carried away by the Bi- ble. Remember it presents only one side of the case. All the books were written by God." There is something to be said for this posi- tion, as the negro preacher said, after quoting to his congregation some terrible verses about the torments of the damned, ^'Brethren, I am not responsible for the composure of this book." On the other hand, I sometimes still like to dream that, supposing the book was not all written by God, but by hard-headed and wise men and women, perhaps there is more com- mon sense and less mystery-only-to-be-inter- preted-by-one-who-has-our-diploma in it than is generally supposed. I heard a fool preach a sermon last sum- mer upon the needless expense of educating ministers. He said all that was needed to be- come a soul-searching preacher was a common- sense reading of the Bible and some expe- rience. "After all," he said, "the most effect- ive sermon in its results which we read of in the New Testament was preached by a rooster, and all he said was 'Cock-a-doodle-doo.' " With- UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS 45 out going just as far as this rooster, yet there is a great deal to be said for consulting common sense rather than what generally passes as scholarship in the interpretation of the Bible. I was greatly struck with this truth one Sunday upon coming out of a church where a most "scholarly" sermon had been delivered upon the casting of the evil spirit out of the Gadarene demoniac and the subsequent disas- ter to the swine. The higher criticism had had its innings, and the congregation was dis- missed to think the results, if any, over by themselves. On the way out an old farmer said to me a word more illuminating as to the spirit of the whole passage than all the sermon had been. He said he "guessed the thoughts in the hearts of some fellers would make even a herd of pigs that shamed that they would drown themselves." Now that is what I mean by a genuine unorthodox interpretation of the Scriptures. So, too, was that of the farmer's wife who at the celebration of the thirtieth anniversary of her marriage told me that her favorite passage of Scripture was that telling about the marriage at Cana of Galilee, and, 46 UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS Upon my asking her the feelings that led to this preference, said : Well, how the Lord did it at that marriage she could not propose to say, nor how he had done it at her own mar- riage. But that he done it, she knew, for, — and here she looked lovingly at her husband who was standing beside her, — for the Lord had turned the waters of life into wine for her that day. There is, of course, a good deal of mental fumbling about these common-sense unortho- dox interpretations of the Bible, but it is my belief that the sense in which the narratives are understood by the great majority of hum- ble, unsophisticated readers is quite satisfac- torily unorthodox. The liberal school are apt to set up what is almost a straw man, the per- son who holds every word and phrase in a lit- eral manner, and believe, because this form is the only form in which the faith of hosts of ordinary folk has been intellectualized, that therefore it is the practical method of their in- terpretation. Formally they believe many such things about the Bible because they have been so taught, but practically they interpret UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS 47 the Bible in a way that does credit, I generally find, both to their head and their heart. This, of course, does not refer to Bible class interpre- tations, which are naturally dictated by the dogmas of the society which supports the Bible class, but it does refer to the interpreta- tions of humble lovers of the book as they read it for their own use, and as they speak of them only to close and confidential friends. "The baskets ! The baskets !" said one ihoughtful old lady, looking up from her Bible one afternoon. "Where in that desert place did the twelve baskets come from to fill with fragments? I think I know," she said after a pause, with a quiet smile, — "I think I know. I think every family in the crowd had done just what the disciples had done, and had brought a basket full of provisions for their day's outing. Each family was so selfish that it was hiding its lunch under togas and be- neath shawls, lest there would not be enough to go round if they began to divide it. Every one was afraid that, if he shared his lunch with his neighbor, there would not be enough left for himself. Later thev meant to retire when 48 UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS unnoticed, and devour it in secret. But Jesus broke down that selfishness effectively by sud- denly calling openly for the little lunch which he and his disciples had with them. In spite of sly signs and hints and whispered protests on the part of these companions of his, it had to be produced. Then he began simply to dis- tribute it to the multitude, as if there had been more than enough for everybody. He did it as if it was the most natural thing in the world to give away what little he had. I can see the eyes of the crowd as they strained forward to see what the Master was doing now. Lo ! he was distributing in the most generous and open-handed way his own little store to the multitude. This could not be allowed to go on, the Master himself must not be allowed to go hungry ; and all over the crowd, at first shamefacedly, later with more and more free- dom, from men's pockets, from under women's shawls, from behind bushes and heaps of stones, the baskets began to appear, big and little, which had been hurriedly put together on the start from home. Now Jesus had giv- en away to those directly around him all his UNORTHODOX INTERPRI:tATIONS 49 own little store, and now one after another was rising from various parts of the crowd and bringing up to the Master baskets and loaves and fishes and packets of food. They offered these to him for himself, but, instead of taking them himself, he took them also out of the hands of the donors and began to pass them around among the multitude. More and more food was discovered and passed around till at last these people who had at first been so self- ish and secretive found to their astonishment that, when they all became generous with their store, there had been among them all the time far more than enough to satisfy the hun- ger of every one present. Then the Master, with one of those little touches of care and reverence for all God's gifts which character- ize his life and teaching, commanded that the fragments of this first love-feast should be picked up and placed in the baskets which were now strewn empty around. That is what the Lord of Life can do." Now I am sure that this interpretation of the feeding of the five thousand will not appeal so generally to any of us as the ortho- 50 UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS dox miracle-interpretation, because the lesson of the latter way of looking at it is that we should expect miracles (which we are all lazy- enough to enjoy expecting) whereas the so- cial lessons of this old lady's unorthodox ex- planation are awkward, not to say inconven- ient. The Happiness of Being Grown Up There are so many things to be thankful for. It never struck me until I was buying my new pair of shoes for fifty cents more than I paid six months ago, how thankful I should be that I was not a centipede. In the same way it was when passing ''the house where I was born" that it suddenly flashed upon me how thankful I should be that I was grown up. I sat for years dangling feet that would not touch the floor and wishing I was grown up. I stood for years at the nursery window watching my father omni- potently leave the house and go down the street and turn the corner at last which led to the great, free world of fairyland. My gods Si 52 THE HAPPINESS OF BEING GROWN UP for many a year were men of thirty and forty, and my ideals boys of seventeen and eighteen. Now I am a god myself, but somehow it does not seem as nice as I thought it was going to be. I can rise up at this present moment and go down the street beneath the admiring gaze of another nursery window and turn at last the street corner that leads to the big, free world, but there is no romantic thrill at that corner now; around it there are just more streets and more houses. I am at perfect lib- erty not to eat my oatmeal at breakfast, but instead to steal down the street to that tempt- ing store and buy candy ; but the sense of this freedom does not intoxicate as once it would have done. Yet, as I say, just as I was passing "the house where I was born," it all came back to me how thankful I should be that I was grown up. Suddenly I got over all this cant about wishing I was a child again, and about child- hood as being the happiest time in one's life. Suddenly I felt that at last I had grown to man's estate, that I had at last a chance to be 'S ery proud and great, and tell the other girls THK HAPP1NE:SS of being grown up 53 and boys not to meddle with my toys." It was glorious. I wanted to stop that anxious-looking man who was passing and tell Kim to cheer up, that I had just discovered that we had grown up, that there was no one to prevent us from skipping school that after- noon and going to the ball game. But a second look, a second thought con- vinced me that we had all lost it ; we have all lost the sense of the happiness of being grown up. We look at the past sentimentally, at the present discontentedly, at the future anxious- ly- Childhood? Who would be a child again? So would not I. Poetry is all very well, but it is the poet's imagination. What are the three greatest factors in the life of the child? Agonizing, inarticulate, misunderstood colic — everlasting, irritating, "Don't do thats" — burning envy and admiration of the freedom of grown-ups. The three agonies of child- hood you and I do not, of course, remember when we long in verse for infancy again, but ask any six-months-old child and he will not deny that my analysis is correct. 54 THE HAPPINESS OF BEING GROWN UP Let US rejoice, therefore, fellow-grown- ups ! We are what we dreamed one day we might be. Misunderstood colic is of the past. We now say "Don't do that" to other little people. W^e are the spankers and no longer the spankees. In conclusion, if we dive into the depths of this profound subject we shall arrive at this valuable truth, that only people who keep their child-heart continue to appreciate right through life the happiness of being grown up. We have analyzed this forgotten dark side of childhood, but there is a glory in childhood which has been best expressed by Meredith in this phrase, "The rapture of the forward view." You only appreciate this side of hap- piness when you feel that your feet do not quite touch the floor yet, when you keep on looking forward to being more grown up than you are at present, when you still have your gods among living men and women. The rap- ture of looking forward to greater powers of self-expression, to greater freedom of person- ality, to greater maturity in the spiritual life, this is the joy of those of us who are incurable THE HAPPINESS OF BKING GROWN UP 55 children. The greatest happiness of being grown up is the happiness of finding one's self still a child. The World, The Flesh and The Devil As soon as a baby soul is born a deadly plot is laid against its life. There are always three partners in this fell conspiracy : the world, the flesh and the devil. Tricked up in gorgeous disguises, in the hopes of being mis- taken for the three wise men of the first Christ- mas, they come to present their gifts at the baby's cradle. The World bears a bank-book, with a first deposit for the new-born babe ; the Flesh brings a silver spoon, while the Devil smiling- ly presents a pretty little looking-glass for the darling child. But, unlike the genuine Wise Men, they do not forthwith leave the baby, but remain with him till his last day, the 56 THE WORLD. THE FLESH AND THE DEVIL 57 World waiting without at the door, the Flesh continually dancing attendance upon him with- in the house, while the Devil depreciates and insinuates himself, till, at last, he creeps right into the baby's eyes. In this way the fight begins between the principalities and powers and the soul of a child. For a while the Flesh has full sway, standing with finger at lip at the nursery door lest the baby's slumbers may be disturbed, toiling at midnight over bottles and brews that the baby's appetite may be tempted. The World stands at the door, handing in presents of gorgeous clothes that the baby may feel himself better than other babies, while the Devil contents himself with making his pres- ence within the child evident by vocal exer- cises at midnight, in the silence of men's sleep- time. A few years pass, and the World now stands at the door in the shape of the neigh- bor's boy, Johnnie, to tempt the little angel soul forgetful of the lofty lessons which he has learned at his mother's and over his fath- er's knee, to tempt him away to steal cherries 58 THE WORLD, THE FLESH AND THE DEVIL or throw stones at the local cat. Within the home the Flesh slyly leaves the pantry door open at all odd moments, with visions of pie and doughnuts within, and his favorite consti- tutional is straight to the nearest candy store and back. The Devil lies low, knowing his time is coming, and merely suggests the kick- ing of furniture and a general program of de- structive hatefulness. In the next scene, only a few years later, the World, the Flesh and the Devil all have left the house, and stand with the group of boys telling stories in the dark corner of the street. The World says: ''Don't be queer! Be like other fellows !" The Flesh says, "This is life!" The Devil adds, with a wink, "Don't tell!" In a year or so the boy leaves home to seek his fortune in the wide, wide world. The Devil has gone before, so as to be able to wel- come him when he arrives as a stranger at the great city. The World goes with him to help him to rid himself of his apron-string ways and help him to be a man among men. The Flesh throws the candy and childishness away, and the; world, the flesh and the devil 59 smiles and nods confidentially at the Devil when he comes to meet the party at the great city. So that evening the boy, in his lodgings, sits down to think. The World sits beside him, and says : "Your father and mother and that home crowd were too narrow and strict. Be a man of the world. Every one lies a little and steals a little, and does a few things on the sly. Don't live in a hole ; live in the world !" Then the boy, looking at the World, says to him, "If I go with you, where will you bring me?" The World lifts the curtain of the future, and the boy sees great office buildings and fine houses and automobiles and honor and the plaudits of the crowd. Then suddenly and nervously the World drops the curtain and looks round at the boy quickly, saying, "That is w^here I will bring you if you will come with me." And the boy is tempted sorely, for he wants to succeed, and he sits thinking deeply, for it is for just such things he has come to the great city — to get on. As he sits thinking, he thinks he hears his 60 THE WORLD, THE FLESH AND THE DEVIL father's voice in his heart ; yes, he hears it clearly and distinctly, his father's voice, yet in his own heart, and it says, "Why did the World drop the curtain so nervously and so suddenly?" His father's voice says this over several times — ''Why was it dropped so sud- denly?" — till the boy, rising up quickly and bending forward before the World can inter- vene, pulls aside the curtain again and sees what comes after those things which the World has showed him — despair and anguish and shame, and a little pile of dust and ashes. Then the boy turns to the World and says, "No, I will not go with you whither you would lead me, but I will bring you where I am going." With that he lays hold of the World and seizes him, and the World falls down upon his knees before him, saying, "Master, I will go wheresoever thou dost lead me." Next the Flesh comes in and speaks to him in whispers of the glory of the body, of love, of the sweet influence of wine and soft joys of ease after the feast. A drowsy per- fume fills the room as he speaks, and soft mu- sic and sweet voices are heard, alluring beyond THE WORLD, THE FLESH AND THE DEVIL 61 words. He feels himself beginning to slip down and drift away upon the sweetest voyage of the world. Suddenly, somewhere in mem- ory, a door is opened swiftly and closed again. But through it he hears in the moment the voice of his mother, singing. It is different music from that he had thought so sweet a moment before; somehow now all the other music seems jarred and jangled and out of tune. A stench as of unwashed bodies in- numerable comes up into his nostrils ; he draws himself up, and, seizing Flesh by the throat, he points out to him the direction in which the stream is flowing, saying, "See whither thou wast bringing me !" And they both look down and see that the river drains immediately into a stagnant and putrid marsh of loathsome aspect. "No," he says to Flesh, "I will not go whither thou wouldest have brought me, but thou must help me along the road whither I am going." Then Flesh bows his head before him, and he brands Flesh upon the forehead with the mark of life. Hardly has he done so when the Devil appears in the room, saying, 62 THE WORLD, THE FLESH AND THE DEVIL with a sneer: "Whither art thou going? Dost thou know thyself whither thou art going? The end of the World is dust and ashes, the end of the flesh is disease and death ; thou art going there, anyway; why not go with good companions along, instead of in lonely toil and thankless duty?" Then the young man sinks down upon his chair dejected, and the tears come into his eyes as he thinks: "How do I know anyway? Whither am I going? I know not! Alas, I know not !" The Devil smiles, and utters again words of doubt and adds counsels of imperfection. At last he says : "No one knows ! Why give up the real for a dream ? Come with me ; you will then, at least, have today, the glorious today!" But the World and the Flesh have seen the young man's perilous state as he is tempt- ed of the Devil, and being now faithful servants of the young man they have gone out in search of help for him. Just at the critical moment, when he is about to despair and yield to the evil one, they return, and the World brings with him a noble friend or two, who rally the: world, the flesh and the devil 63 round the lonely young man, and encourage him and give him strength of soul in his strug- .gle, while the Flesh brings several angels — • Rest, Refreshment, Vital Force and others — • who minister unto him. So, at last, refreshed in body and cheered by companionship, he looks up to have his last fight out with the Devil, but finds the Devil has disappeared and is nowhere to be seen. Then the young man goes out arm in arm with the World and the Body, they sup- porting and helping him, and he leading them on to undreamed heights of happiness and glory. Two Kinds of Christmas A Pagan Christmas Some people say that Christmas is just a pagan festival, with a Christian name added to it. They say it is the historic development of the heathen orgies of the Saturnalia, and that it has been kept up in Christendom all through the years with the added name of Christ tacked on to it. Now if it gives any people any satisfaction so to believe, Scrooge-like, it does us very little harm. Yet it is true that in America today there are the two types of people, those who keep Christmas in a pagan manner and those who keep it in a Christian manner. Some people celebrate the Saturnalia. Some peo- ple celebrate the birth of Jesus. The following are the directions for keep- ing it as a pagan festival : About a week before 64 TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS 65 Christmas think of the people who gave you presents last year and who will probably ex- pect something from you this year. Then de- clare in their presence a few times that you feel so poor this year that you do not see how you can give any presents at all. As soon as the department stores are crowded to overflowing, go down to the city and join the rush. Discover that everybody is so selfish in a crowd, and that you "never saw such rude people, the way they push and crowd and try to get served first." Go in the evening if you possibly can and tell the sales- girl what you think of her for her delay in getting you the change of your dollar bill after your ninety-eight cent purchase. Choose the things that are cheapest. You cannot be expected to know how long the salesgirl has already been upon her feet that week, nor how late the messenger boys have to work delivering parcels at night, nor how much the people could have been paid for making the goods you buy so cheaply. Be- sides they are presents, and it does not matter so much how^ they wear ; it is not as if they 66 TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS were for yourself. Work hard in this way for three or four days, making sure to buy for each person something at least as good as that person gave you last year. When you get absolutely sick and tired of this rush, stay at home a morning and take out the store of presents you got last Christmas which were of no use to you and which you have kept to give away again this Christmas. It is well to be sure that you do not send the same things back to people who sent them to you. At the last moment you will remember somebody who' will be likely to expect some- thing from you and whom you had almost for- gtten. Rush back again to town. Remember always to buy the same things that every one else is buying, the same "Christmas books" like this one, that no one was ever discovered reading, the same little useful bags that will serve as a kind of chain-Christmas-present, exchanging owners annually at Christmas for many years, the same useless nothings that the recipients add to their store of other nothings either to be packed away or to be daily dusted. TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS 67 So let the pagan festival be ushered in with one-half of the country standing desper- ately weary, ready to drop, working, selling, being rushed and scolded, delivering parcels, and the other half angry and dissatisfied. On Christmas morning send off any stray last presents you may have, to those who have sent to you and from whom you did not expect- anything. They will think that you sent them before you got theirs and that the delay was due to the Christmas rush. Then unparcel all your own presents, exclaim over them, pack them away, sweep up the paper and ex- celsior and have the first piece of real enjoy- ment you have had for weeks over a good, substantial Christmas dinner. A Christian Christmas Take a page in your note-book and write above it this sentence, "Love can make a little gift excel." All year long be noting down in it suggestions of things the people you love would like : the toy train for the little son of the woman who washed for you at your sum- mer home ; the new graphophone record for 68 TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS the neighbor's boy who is out at the mining camp for the first Christmas. Mem. "Martha said today she would rather have a Persian kitty than anything else in the world !" Mem. "George was saying this June that he had always been wanting a complete set of Hawthorne, but that somehow he had never gotten round to get it." Mem. July 8. "Mrs. Francis said, *I think that picture of Jesus and the Fishermen is the loveliest of all.' " Mem. Aug. 10. "Jane said that the rocker in Mrs. J's parlor was the only chair she ever sat in that exactly suited her," etc., etc. All year long be adding to your ideas, be planning for other people's surprises. Then when Christmas comes you will not need to buy a single conventional, trade-Christmas- present. They will all be personal tokens of thought. They will all have been bought long before the rush begins. You will have bought some things in small local stores for the good of trade, you will have asked for the Consum- er's League Label for the good of the work- TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS 69 people, you will have shopped in November for the good of the salespeople. Before the first week in December they will be all ready ex- cept those upon which you are working your- self. Then you have a great time between that and Christmas planning all kinds of jokes and surprises. A millionaire may have dwarf gooseberry trees supplied by contract at ten dollars apiece from England at every plate on his Christmas table, but the joke is not half so good as — well, what Harry found in his Christmas pie last Christmas, which hit his case so well, and showed him some one else remembered his lit- tle success, and which has added a permanent new word to the private vocabulary of the family ever since. At this time, too, you begin writing letters. One to the author of the book you have so much enjoyed this fall, asking him not to feel it necessary to reply, but telling him all the good it did you ; one to the invalid who thinks herself of no use in the world, telling her how much she means to you ; one perhaps to your doctor or minister or your telephone girl, in 70 TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS return for kindness, thought, courtesy, inspir- ation during the year. On Christmas morning you have time to have a Christmas party for the birds. You are dumbfounded at the number of people who have remembered you. You begin that very evening to write and tell them so. And your Christmas dinner is the least of all the joys of your happiest Christmas. It is not a matter of cost, it is a matter of love and thought and planning. Too late for this Christmas, is it? Ah, but just in time for next. Our Hereditary Scare One of the first stories we tell our children from the Bible is the account of how a severe shower of rain was fatal to a great company of people. We tell them that only a very few people of that district, with some zoological specimens, escaped with their lives in an ark from the rain. This story has been told to children for generations in Sunday schools and in the homes upon Sunday afternoons. The result is that in the minds of practically all Christian people there is a hereditary scari. Religion and the danger of rain have become so subtly connected in their minds that strong men have been known to refuse to go to church upon a wet Sunday. Rain under other circumstances has prac- tically no terrors for the modern man or 71 12 OUR HEREDITARY SCARE woman. But once you couple rain with the idea of Sunday or church or religion, and that subtle psychological connection takes place in their minds. They hardly know why they are scared, but they are scared. It is the un- conscious memory of their early Bible stories which is at work. Now we can hardly afford to give up Noah. This ought to be made plain at the very start. Yet matters are critical. Cases are common where the appearance of a cloud upon Sunday morning has induced a family seizure and emptied an entire pew. My sug- gestion is that a petition signed by represent- atives of all the churches be sent to the Pres- ident calling for a federal commission of scientists to analyze specimens of ''religious rain" (i. e., rain which falls at or before church services). This analysis will, in all probabil- ity, result in a report that rain upon Sundays and church service nights is of precisely the same chemical constitution as upon theater and concert nights. This report will help to dispel this popular misconception. We ought also to insert in our Sunday OUR HEREDITARY SCARE 73 school hymn-books some hymns upon Sun- day rain which would be taught concurrently with the flood story and so help also to allay the unconscious dread caused by this tale. We cannot afford to give up Noah, as we have said. The loss of his ark would be a calamity to toymakers and the loss of his terrible example would be irreparable to the W. C. T. U. But such a hymn as this sung upon the same Sunday upon which the flood story is told would neutralize any harmful ef- fect as well as inculcate some of the princi- ples of true ''science" : Sunday rain is good for me, Makes me grow, you bet, If I keep from out my mind The idea of wet. The juxtaposition of this song with the first knowledge of the flood story will, I be- lieve, entirely destroy the vicious psychologi- cal connection between religion and rain which we have noted above. If these proposals meet with approval and are followed, wet Sundays will soon be red letter days in all our churches, and the point will be taken from the old gibe that the Bap- 74 OUR HEREDITARY SCARE tists are the only Christian church which have not been afraid of water. Lapses from the Prosaic SUNDAY WEATHER Dinna gang to kirk When it rains, Ye micht catch Rheumatic pains! Bide t'hame When it*s cauld, Lest ye dee When ye're auld! The kirk's nae place When it's hot, The folks micht think Ye cared a lot! When it's fine Leave the Lord, Gang a-ridin' In yer Ford! 75 76 LAPSES FROM THE PROSAIC Ye like kirk fine Believe in God, But canna gae, The weather's odd! Ye're no to blame, It's in ither hands, Ye bet the Lord Understands ! A SCOTCH BLESSING "If after kirk you bide a wee, There's some wad like to speak to ye. If after kirk you rise and flee, We'll all seem cold and stiff to ye. That one that's in the seat wi' ye Is stranger here than you, maybe ; All here hae got their fears and cares ; Add you your soul unto our prayers; Be you our angel unawares." LAPSES FROM THE PROSAIC 11 THE REAL HERO Oh it's great to be a hero, to lift your hat and bow, To write your reminiscences and tell the peo- ple how ! But it's hard to take the off-side on the ques- tions of your day, If you want to be a hero — there is no other way. Oh it's great to be a hero and to hear the people shout, And to know your statue'U stand in the mar- ket-place without! But to raise eternal marble from the world's despised clay Takes the toil of the creator, means the cross upon the way. Oh it's great to be a hero, in some other far- off year, When you know how things have come out and can hear the people cheer! But how blank the dearest faces, how the wise ones looked away When trembling lips first stammered what is common truth today. 78 LAPSES FROM THE PROSAIC LOVE'S SECRET A simple word of sooth is this ; Love liveth still in giving bliss. Who for himself bliss doth demand He killeth love right out of hand. Love loveth joy in other eyes ; Joy can be found no otherwise.