:^^Bi43»S^ vr SHOEMAKERS BEST SELECTIONS For Redwdin^s and Recit&.tions Nos. I to 27 Now Issued Paper Binding, each aumbef* «> • • 30 ceots^ Cloth •• " •• ~ . . 50 cents Teachers, Readers, Students, and all persons who have had occasion to use books of this kind, concede this to be the best series of speakers published. The different numbers are compiled by leading elocution- ists of the country, who have exceptional facilities for securing selections, and whose judgment as to their merits is invaluable. No trouble or expense i? spared to obtain the very best readings and recitations, and much material is used by special arrangement with other publishers, thus securing the best selections from such American authors as Longfellow, Holmes, Whittier, Lowell, Emerson, Alice and Phoebe Gary, Mrs. Stowe, and many others. The foremost Eng- lish authors are also represented, as well as the leading French and German writers. This series was formerly called "The Elocution- ist's Annual," the first seventeen numbers being pub- lished under that title. While the primary purpose of these books is to supply the wants of the "pubdic reader and elocution- ist, nowhere else can be foUnd such an attractive col- lection of interesting short stories for home reading. Sold by all booksellers and newsdealers, or mailed ;ipon receipt of price. The Penn Publishing Company 226 5. nth Street, Philadelphia WHISKERS A Farce in One Act BY HELEN F. BAGG Author of "WHY NOT JIM?" "THE FASCINATING FANNY BROWN," etc. PHILADELPHIA THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 1912 Copyright 1912 by The Penn Publishing Company ©aU 31UiJ6 whiskers CHARACTERS Miss Sara Adams A rich spinster ]\lALiEL ^^*' (^i^i^^ niece, the bride Inez Her younger niece, the maid of Jionor Frances Page~) Evelyn Birch v The bridesmaids Ethel Ross j AnNa llie colored maid John Phelps A rich old bacJicIor Chester Phelps His nephew, the groom Parker Glen The best man Time of Playing : — One Hour. STORY OF THE PLAY On account of a family quarrel Chester Phelps has not seen his millionaire uncle since babyhood. On the day Chester is to marry Mabel Adams Uncle John comes to the bride's house disguised in black whiskers and asks permis- sion to see the ceremony. Mabel's Aunt Sara hides hun in a closet. Chester is evading jury duty, and fears that the sheriff, "a fat man with black whiskers," will find hnii. The bridesmaids think Uncle John is a burglar after the wedding presents. Chester and the best man tlunk he's the sheriff, and they gag and bind him to prevent his interfermg with the wedding. Aunt Sara rescues him and explains. Uncle John is ruffled, but admires his nephew's spirit. ** I insist upon being allowed to give away the bride." Wed- ding march and general satisfaction. CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES Miss Sara. About forty-five, richly dressed for a house wedding in daytime. Mabel. About twenty-two. At first appearance is all dressed for her wedding except her gown. She wears kimono or dressing-gown. Appears afterward in white wedding dress, white shoes, veil, and carrying flowers. Inez. About twenty. Dresses in pink, as '* maid of honor." Frances, Evelyn and Ethel are pretty girls of any age. They are the bridesmaids. Frances should be the tallest of the three; Evelyn is small and dainty; Ethel is the young- est. They are dressed in lacy white gowns, big white hats, white sli[)pers anci stockings. Anna, colored maid, any age. Wears maid's costume of black dress, white apron and cap. Phelps. Middle-aged, stout. Wears dark glasses and a pair of black false whiskers, of the sort that may be easily removed. Dark clothes. Chester. About twenty-five; wears frock coat, gray trousers, silk hat, white tie, gloves. At first entrance clothes are very dusty. Parker. About twenty-five; wears at first entrance mo- toring togs and goggles, and carries two suit-cases. Ap- pears later in frock coat, etc., like Chester's costume. PROPERTIES For Anna: Boxes of flowers; basket tied with white rib- bons, and containing a cake. For Evelyn : Small chair; long white ribbons. For Mabel : Comb. For Ethel : Lamp. For Miss Sara: Atomizer. For Parker : Two suit-cases ; ring in box. For Chester: Cigarette, whisk-broom, note-book, pencil, dollar bill. For Phelps: Black false whiskers. Other properties: Auto horn, bell, wedding presents, some wrapped, some unwrapped ; one present should be a gravy ladle ; pair of scissors. 4 SCENE PLOT INTERIOR BACKING / o DOOR WITH CURTAINS CHAIR PALMS and' PLANTS 1°°°^ "^O CLOSET Scene. — The "den" at '* Restview," Miss Adams' home. Lnrge open doorways at c, and up r. ; the latter with portidres. Up l. c. door leading to conservatory. Up L. door to telephone closet. Mantel with mirror down L. (The mantel may be omitted, but there should be a mirror in the room.) Table down l. c. Sofa and chairs as in- dicated ; the chair up r. should be a very light one. Other furnishings as desired. There should be a lamp on the table. Whiskers Time : September. Mabel's wedding day. Place : Miss Adams' hofne, Restview. SCENE. — The ^^ den'' at Restview. Ate, a large dooy ivay, open ; at R., another large doorway, curtained ', at L., a small door, leading to a closet, closed, in wJiich is a concealed telephone ; L. c, entrance to a conservatory, half concealed by palms and plants. Frances Page, Evelyn Birch and Ethel Ross, bridesmaids, are dis- covered as the curtain rises. Frances is standing be- fore the mirror adjusting her hat. Evelyn is seated R., tying a couple of boivs in some long ivhite ribbons, which are to be stretched for the wedding procession. Ethel is standing before a small table, l., on which are heaped a number of lately -arrived weddi?ig presents, some wrapped, some lying loose. Ethel {holding it up). Another gravy ladle ! It must be awfully exciting to be a bride. Evelyn. Oh, I don't know. I think the bridesmaids have most of the fun. Frances. Fun ! I guess you wouldn't call it fun if you had to walk up the line with an usher fully four inches shorter than you were ! I don't see why they can't grow a few tall men nowadays ! Ethel. Well, I'm not looking for much fun out of this affair! Here I am, wearing a No. 2 shoe when my whole being calls out for a 3 — ^just because Mabel changed her mind at the last minute and insisted on our having white slippers. {S/ie limps to a chair and sits holding otie foot up and sur- veying it piteously. ) 7 8 WHISKERS Frances {turning to the table), Mabel surely has been lucky. 1 never saw handsomer presents. The roouis up- stairs are full of them. Evelyn. I should think they'd have a detective to watch them, or at least a policeman — especially when there have been so many burglaries lately in Elmwood. Ethel [conteniptuously^. What's a policeman? Why, a clever burglar will walk off with your things right under a policeman's nose ! (Evelyn shivers and glances around apprehensively.') Why, i heard this morning {Eiiter Anna, c, with Jier artns full of boxes.) Good gracious, Anna, not more presents? Anna {with a grin). No, ma'am. Dese yere's de flow- ers fo' you-alls to carry. Dey jes' come. {She dumps them on sofa R. T/ie girls ruslifor them. 'Ky Ei.W'^ puts ribbons on table. Anna rescues two of the boxes.) Dese yere b' longs to Miss Mabel an' Miss Inez. {The girls open the others, taking out huge bouquets of pink roses. Anna goes off at c, with the otJier boxes.) Frances. How perfect ! I will say for Chester Phelps that he always does tilings beautifully. That's one of the things I liked about him when he was engaged to me. {The other two exchange amused glances behind her back as she returns to mirror.) Evelyn. It must make you feel quite odd, Fanny, to be bridesmaid at his wedding, after being engaged to him yourself. Frances (placidly'). It does. Very odd. Ethel. The sort of feeling one has at a rummage sale when you see all your old things being snapped up by some one else. Frances. Not at all. Chester and I are very good friends. He never would have suited me as a husband ; I must have a man to whom I can look up. Ethel. Isn't that rather a large order ? Frances (severely). I mean in character. Chester Phelps is entirely too frivolous and inconsequential for me. He'll do very nicely for Mabel. I'm sure 1 hope they'll be quite happy. WHISKERS 9 Evelyn. Well, Chester thinks so, anyhow. I never saw a man more in love. FuANCES {coldly). Really ! Evelyn. And as to his being frivolous, my brother George says that he's one of the rising young men of Elm- wood, and that he has a splendid future. Ethel. He has a milHonaire uncle, at all events. Frances. Who has never spoken to him since he was a boy. Evelyn. You mean old Mr. Phelps, who lives in that big stone house out by the park ? I've heard of him. Frances {putting flowers on sofa). Yes, he quarreled with Chester's father about something, and has never had anything to do with tlie family since. Chester doesn't ex- pect anything from him. He says he is the most peculiar old man in the world. Ethel {stepping to the door c. as an auto horn toots out- side y and looking off L.). There's Parker Glen — and if there isn't Inez on the veranda to meet him ! If that's not a case, I miss my guess. Evelyn. Weil, you know they say that one wedding always makes another. Ethel {limping across the stage slowly). I don't care what it makes, if they'll only have it and get through with it. If I have to wear this shoe much longer they'll have to carry me up the aisle on a stretcher. Evelyn. Cheer up, dear, think how becoming your gown is. Ethel. Humph — that's all very well for you — yours fit ! There's nothing 1 know of that'll squeeze the joy out of life quite so quickly as a shoe one size too small. I'm going upstairs and take them off till this show begins. {She hobbles off c, turning R.) {Enter Inez and Parker Glen at r. Parker carries tivo suit-cases.^ Parker {setting doivn suit-cases with a sigh of relief , and mopping his brow). Hullo, girls ! Inez {running to sofa). Oh, the flowers have come ! AnMi't they lovely? Evelyn. Anna took yours and Mabel's upstairs. 10 WHISKERS Frances. I'm going up to put mine on. Hasn't Chester come yet? Jnez. No. Frances {starting to go). Well, I always said Chester Phelps would be late to his own wedding, and now 1 believe he's going to be. Come on, Evelyn. (^Exit both at c. Parker takes off his coat and goggles.) Inez (^indignantly). To hear that girl talk you'd think she had been engaged to Chester ten years instead of ten days ! Parker. Maybe it seemed like ten years. Say, where is Chester, anyway? Inez. Parker Glen, what do you mean ? Parker. Nothing, only he told me to stop for him in the car and bring him along. Inez. Well? Parker. Well, I did, and they said at the house that he'd been gone two hours. Now, where the dickens has he gone ? Jnez. Why, Parker, you don't think Parker. 'Phere wasn't anything for him to do. He bought his railroad tickets yesterday, and Pve got the license in my pocket. 1 hope he hasn't got stage fright at the last minute. Inez (/// horror). Parker Glen, you do think of the most horrible things ! What time is it? Parker (glancing at his watch). It's eleven-thirty, and the ceremony's fixed for twelve. I hope he hasn't forgotten all about it. Inez, Forgotten about it ! Parker. Well, I've heard of fellows forgetting their weddings, and Chester's as absent-minded as the deuce. Inez. Absent-minded ! Parker, do you suppose he's lost the ring and gone after another ? Parker. No, I don't, because I've got it in my pocket. Want to see it ? Inez {coming to him). Of course I do. Parker {going through his pockets). At least I did have it. Inez. Parker ! Parker {finding it). Ah, here it is ! You don't catch WHISKERS II me forgetting things. {^He opens the little boXy she looking on in fascinated interest.) Neat, eh ? Inez. Oh, Parker, isn't it lovely? Parker. 1 j^icked it out for him. Inez (^admiringly). 1 thought it looked like your taste. Parkicr (shutting the box witJi a snap and putting it in his pocket). Oh, come now, quit jollying me. 1 don't like it. Jnez (innocently). Jollying you? Parker. Yes. Making out that you think I'm the whole cheese, when you don't care a hang for me. Jnez. 1 do care a hang for you. Parker. No, you don't. Here I've been begging you all sunniier to marry me and have a double wedding Inez. A double wedding ! No, thank you ! One wed- ding is all my nervous system will stand at a time. If I survive this one I may consider your — your Parker. 01i, that's right — laugh about it. It's funny, isn' t it ? (Laughs a forced laugh. ) Inez. I'm not laughing. You know I can't marry you and leave poor Aunt Sara all alone. It would be brutal. Parker. Nonsense. She'd never miss you. She's got her clubs and her settlement, and her suffragette movements and Inez. Don't you make fun of my aunt Parker. I'm not making fun of her. I think she's bully; but you can't stay with her forever, you know. Inez. Well, I can't leave her now while her hay fever is so bad — that's certain. Parker. How about when her hay fever is over? (Puis his arm around her.) Inez (shyly). I — I (He is about to kiss her ivhen Mabel appears in the door- way at c. Mabel is dressed for the weddings all except her goivn, and has thrown a dressing-gown around Jier. She looks very much excited, has a comb in her hand, being evidently not quite through with her toilet.) Mabel. Parker Glen, what are you doing ? Parker (as Inez jumps away). Praying for frost. (Inez giggles.) 12 WHISKERS Mabel. Humph ! Where is Chester ? Parker. Tliat's what 1 want to know. Mabel {alarmed). Why, Parker Jnez {to Parker). Hush ! i^l^o Mabel.) Parker stopped for him in the car, dear, but he had started. 1 sui)pose he had an errand he wanted to do. Parker. That's it, of course. Mabel. Errand ! Parker Glen, you're hiding some- thin i^ from me. Parker. Me ? Inez. Why, Mabel dear, how could Mabel {sinking into a chair up l.). Something's hap- pened to Chester, and you won't tell me ! Inez {to Parker). Now see what you've done ! Parker. 1 ? Inez. Yes, you. Now, Mabel Mabel {wildly). Oh, I knew something dreadful was going to happen ever since Chester droi)ped the looking- glass Uncle Josiah sent us, and broke it ! {Tragically.) Oil ! was it the automobile ? (Parker tramps up and down with his hands in his pockets-^ wJiile Inez tries to calm Mabel.) Inez. Nothing has happened, darling, he's all right — he Mabel {indignantly). Then what did Parker mean by telling me that it had ? Parker. Gosh ! Mabel. But why doesn't he come? Oh, something must have haj)pened ! {Sobs again.) Parker. Shall I 'phone over to tlie house and see if he's come back ? Mabel. And have every telephone girl in town know that I'm hunting him up? No, indeed. I'd die first. Parker. Oh, very well. Inez. I'll tell you {She pauses as a peculiar whistle is heard off . Mabel rises.) Mabel. Oh, it's Chester ! {Whistle repeated. Parker runs up to door c, and looks off l.) He's safe ! He's safe ! WHISKERS JO Parkeu. Well, I'll be darned. He's climbing in the window. Come on in here and explain yourself. (Parker comes dozvn c. Chester Phelps' head in tall silk Iiat appears slowly around edge of door c. He looks about anxiously?) Mabel. Oh, Chester ! Chester {Jinger on his lips). Hush ! (^He comes in, looking behind him anxiously, the three watching Iiim in amazement. He is covered with dust. He comes down front.) Mabel. But, Chester, what does it mean ? Why are you coming in like a — a Parker. Porch climber? Inez. And what in the world has happened to vour clothes? ^ Chester {in a hollow tone). Has— has the sheriff been here ? Inez. The sheriff! Mabel {indignantly). Of course not ! Chester {dropping into a chair ; they gather around him anxiously). Thank iieaven ! Parker, i say, old man, where have you been all morning ? I stopped for you Chester {solemnly — glancing at his trousers). I have been in the coal bin since nine o'clock this morning. Parker. Inez t '" ^'^^ ^°^^ '^^^ ' Mabel {putting her hand on his shoulder). Darling, are you sure you're not out of your head ? Chester {irritably). No, I'm not sure. I've had enough this morning to put me out of my head. Are you sure that there hasn't been a fat man with a bushy black beard hanging around here this morning? {Sits on sofa r.) Mabel {soothingly). No, dear, of course not. (Parker and Inez gaze at each other in consternation.) Inez {to Parker). Parker, is there any disease that be- gins by seeing fat men with black bushy beards? Parker. If there is, I never had it ! MABEt.. But, Chester, why should the sheriff come here ? Chester. To arrest me ! 14 WHISKERS Mabkl. But Chester. Oh, it's all my confounded absent-minded- ness. {TJie others glance at each other and shake their heads hopelessly. Mabel sits by Jiim on sofa, comb in hand, her face expressing great alarm. Inez has sunk into a chair L. Pakker stands c, zvith his hands in his pock- ets.^ Two weeks ago I was drawn on a jury, to appear to- day — this morning at nine o'clock, before Judge Short. I meant to have it changed to some time next monlli. I've got a friend who might have worked it for me all right — a lawyer chap, but 1 had so many things on my mind that I forgot all about it, and it never entered my head till this morning at breakfast. Mabel. But vvliy didn't you telephone the judge that you luid an important engagement and couldn't come ? Chester {disgustedly). What do you think a subjjoena is, anyhow? An invitation to play ''bridge"? Parker. You might have gone and tried to get him to excuse you. They'll do that sometimes. Chester. It was nine o'clock then, and when I came to look at the papers — I hadn't taken the trouble to read them before — 1 found that it was Judge Short before whom I was to appear. Inez. Well? Chester. Then I knew it was all up. Judge Short hates me. You see, his name was up for membersliip at the Country Club last spring, and 1 was one of the three who blackballed him. Some fool let it out, and the judge has had it in for me ever since. It would be just nuts for him to break up this wedding. Mabel. Oh, Chester, how could you do anything so rash as to blackball a judge? You might have known you'd need him some day. Chester. Well, he's a stupid old bore. I belonged to a club with him once, and he used to drive me crazy, but- tonholing me to listen to his fool stories, and 1 made up my mind I wasn't going to stand for it again. J couldn't foresee a calamity like this. Nobody could, {^He springs up and begins trainping up and doivn.) I decided to dress, to pre- pare for the wedding as though nothing had happened, and to come here and tell you everything. The first man 1 saw when 1 turned the corner of this street was Johnson — the sheriff, a fat old [)arty with black whiskers. whiskers 15 Mabel. } ^, , Inez. \ ^'^ ' Chester. He didn't see me; I bolted down an alley and ran for home; I got in through the cellar door and hid in the coal bin, and I've been there ever since. Mabel (as lie sinks on sofa again). You poor darling ! What an awful time you've had ! Chester. Awful ! Parker. But what are you going to do about it? I sup- pose you know that you're to be married in less than half an iiour, and that the guests will be coming any minute? Chester. I'm going through wilh it if I'm arrested in the middle of the ceremony and taken to the penitentiary. Mabel. Chester, they couldn't j^ut you ihere? Chester. I don't know what they can do. That's the beauty of a modern education. Teaches you absolutely nothing useful. It may be a hanging offense for all 1 know. Mabel. Oh, Chester ! Chester, it would be just peaches and cream to that old idiot to send me from the altar to the gallows ! (IVa/ks up and down a^ain followed by Mabel waving the comb frantically. ) Inez {to Parker). Parker Glen, you must think of something to help him out of this, or I'll never speak to you again. Parker. What do you want me to do? Murder the sheriff? Inez. I want you to use your brain — if you have one. There must be a way somewhere. Chester {dismally'). There is. I can give myself up. Mabel {clinging to him). Darling, no, think of me ! Chester. I am thinking of you. How can I let you tie yourself to a felon ? Mabel {wildly). I'd rather be tied to anything than to have all those peoi)le come here expecting a wedding and find me without anybody to get married to. I — 1 couldn't stand it. {He embraces her. ) Parker. I have it ! 'Phone the minister to hurry up and get it over with before anything happens. Inez. Si)lendid ! I knew you'd think of something. Mabel. Yes. Parker, hurry and 'phone. He's West 678. 1 6 WHISKERS (Parker goes to ^ phone, which is in closet at \.. An mito horn toots outside. Chesieu is very nervous, and Mabel soot/ies him. Inez runs to door c, looking off r.) Parker {at closet door). The first guest, by Jove ! {He enters closet.') Inez. It's tlie Montmorencys ! Lucky for us you're not expected to receive your guests at a wedding. Parker {Jieardat 'piione). West 678. — No, if Pd wanted 786 Pd have said so. — Pm in control of my faculties. What? Now look here Yes, Pm holding it. {AnotJier horn sounds.) Inez. The Truedales. Parker. Is this the Rev. Howe's residence? Is lie there? What? Oh, very well. {Ri/igs off. Comes out of closet.) He started for this house half an hour iigo in his car. Inez. He's had a puncture ! Chester. Just my blamed luck ! Mabel. A minister ought to be ashamed to run an auto- mobile. It's positively immoral. Parker. It simply resolves itself into a question of which gets here first — the minister or the sheriff — the altar or the penitentiary. Inez. Parker ! Chester. Yes, laugh ! It's funny for you. That's all a best man's for nowadays — to tie white bows on trunks and make a fool of himself generally. He used to be expected to make himself useful, but of course Parker. Cheer up, old man, maybe the minister will get here first, and we'll get you off before they can nab you. Chester. Yes, you're awfully clever. 1 have to come back some time, don't I ? Parker. Well, you can pay your fine then, like a man. {Another toot.) Inez {still at door c). The Middletons ! Chester. Fine? How much money do you suppose a man has when he comes back from a wedding trip ? Inez {coming down). As for you, Parker Glen, if you • WHISKERS 17 expect to have anything to do with this affair at all, you'd belter go upstairs and dress. 1 don't suppose you intend to walk up with me in tliose things ! Pakkkr. By George, I forgot. {Grabs suit-cases.) Bye, old man, don't let 'em nab you while I'm gone. {Dashes off c. Mabf:l suddenly realizes that her oivfi toilet is scarcely bride- like.) Mabel. Oh ! I can't leave you like this, dear. Inez. He can hide in the telephone closet if anybody comes. There are a lot of cloaks and things in the end of it so he can cover himself all up. Chester. 'I'hanks. Inez. Come. We mustn't let Aunt Sara know that any- tliing's gone wrong. It would worry her. But (Inez drags her away. As they go off at c. Miss Sai^a Adams enters c. She is a large, handsome zvoman of about fifty, beautifully gowned for the ivedding. She has an air of autJiority which shoras her to be in the habit of managing her houseJiold very thoroughly.) Miss Sara. My dear child ! Not dressed, and the guests arriving? This will never do. Inez. She'll be ready in five minutes, aunty. Don't get excited ; remember your hay fever. {The girls run off c. Miss Sara comes down. Chester seizes a whisk-broom from table and begins brus/iing himself furiously. Clouds of dust arise and Miss Sara sneezes ivildly. He stops.) Chester. I — I beg your pardon, aunty — I seem to have a little dust on me. Miss Sara. You seem to have a great deal of dust on you. Doesn't anybody look after your clothes at home ? Chester. Oh, yes, once in a while. Miss Sara. Well, it's lucky you're marrying a sensible girl, Chester, who'll take care of you properly. Cfiester {iiervously). I hope she'll have the chance. Miss Sara. What? Chester. I mean, I hope nothing will happen to upset the wedding — you know. l8 WHISKl-RS Miss Sara (in amazement'). What could happen to up- set the wedding at this hour ? Chester (darkly). Oh, lots of things. Fellows die suddenly, sometimes. Miss Sara. Chester Phelps ! Don't you feel well ? Chester. Oh, yes, perfectly, just nervous; horribly nervous. (^Another honi toots. Miss Sara goes to door c.) Miss Sara. The Thompsons ! The ridiculous display that those people indulge in ! (Chester sits doivn, takes out vote-book and begins to ivrite. Anotlier horn.) 'I'he van Sprays ! Dear me, where can Mr. Howe be? 1 detest unpunctuality ; and in a minister it's unpardonable. Chester. Don't be hard on him, aunty. Something may have happened to him. You've no idea how many things can happen to a fellow nowadays. Miss Sara. Chester, what is the matter with you ? Chester. Nothing — nothing at all ! Miss Sara. What are you doing? Chester (putting the 7iote-book in his pocket). Noth- ing — nothing — just jotting down a few — well — a few — you know, aunty, I want Mabel to have everything I've got, in case I — I'm taken suddenly. Miss Sara (in horror). Taken suddenly ! Chester Phelps, have you been near anybody who's got anything catching? (Conies down Q.) Chester. I ? No, of course not. I only want to be on the safe side — I (Enter Anna, c.) Miss Sara. The safe side ! Do you mean to tell me Anna. A gentleman, miss, to see you. Chester {^jumping up in a panic). Where is he? Anna. At de side do'. He wanter see Miss Sara by herse'f. Miss Sara. He's a book agent, of course. Tell him I'm out. (Chester ivipes his broiv.) Anna. He done see de folks comin' in, honey ; he WHISKERS 19 know yo'-alls to home. He say it's mos' perticler dat you should see him alone. Chicster. Alone ! Miss Sara. The impudence of these people is beyond anything ! Well, send him in. I suppose it's the quickest way to get rid of him, (^Another horn is heard. Miss Sara ^oes up to door c.) The Hendersons and the 'lownleys- Where can that minister be? (Chester beckons to Anna. SJie comes to liim. He gives her a dollar?) Chester (/// a whisper'). Anna ! Anna. Yassir ? Chester. That man — the book agent — was he a fat man with a bushy black beard ? Anna {grinning). Yassir, dat's him, sah — ^jes* de spit- tin' image ! (Chester gives a groan and without a word bolts out of the room at r. Anna stares at him and Miss Sara turfis Just in time to see him.) Fo' de Lawd ! {^Exit Anna, shaking her head. Miss Sara comes down front.) Miss Sara. Well, if that's the effect matrimony has on people, I thank my stars 1 had sense enough to stay single ! \Enter John Phelps, a shorty fat man, with an enormous pair of black whiskers.) Well, sir, what do you want? If it's books, I've got enough to last me the rest of my life — if it's sewing-machines, I don't use 'em — if it's butter Phelps. It's not, ma'am, I assure you. (^He removes the black whiskers. Miss Sara gives a little shriek.) Don't be alarmed, ma'am. They are not — not indigenous to the soil, so to speak. Miss Sara {indignantly). Who are you? Phei-ps {glancing around apprehensively). Hush! I'm John Phelps; Chester's uncle. Miss Sara {sinking on sofa R.). What ! Phelps. I've come to the wedding, ma'am. He didn't invite me, but I've come. Miss Sara. Then why in the name of common sense couldn't you come to the front door ? And why — those ? Phelps {drawing up chair and sitting). Listen, ma'am, and I'll tell you. You've heard that Chester's family and 1 20 WHISKIiRS don't get on? Chester's father married a Jackson. I can't abide the Jacksons, never couhi. I've never had anytliing to do with 'em since. But I've always kept my eye on Chester. He's a fine boy. 'I'his is strictly between you and me, ma'am, as 1 can see you are the sort of woman who can keep a secret. I mean to leave him a good bit of my money one of these days. Miss Sara. Dear me, how splendid of you, Mr. Phelps. Phelps. Nonsense, he's all Phelps, you know. No Jackson about him ; he's a boy of spirit — 1 like him. But i don't want him to know it. Miss Sara. No? Phelps. Not for the world. He'd tell the family, they'd think 1 was coming around — the Jacksons would gloat. I won't have any Jacksons gloating over me till Pm in my grave. I made up my mind to come in disguise, so 1 bought these whiskers and I thought maybe you would let nie stay in a corner somewhere so that 1 could see the wed- ding widiout being seen. Miss Sara. In a corner ! Phelps. Yes, I hate weddings. I hate fuss and feath- ers. Besides, I have hay fever dreadfully. I'm likely to be taken with a horrible spell of sneezing just at the crucial mo- ment. I daren't risk it. Miss Sara. You have hay fever, too? Phelps. 'Poo? Miss Sara. 1 am a victim — a ffllow-sufferer, Mr, Phelps. From the fifteenth of September till frost 1 suffer the tortures of the — what you may call 'ems ! Phelps. Strange ! Mine always begins on the afternoon of the twelfth ! Miss S.'VRA. The twelfth ! What a coincidence ! But I have a remedy Phelps. Pve tried 'em all. Miss Sara (risino^ and going np c). Oh, but this one is wonderful ! I've been taking it all day, and I've only had fifteen fits {Slie pauses as she waits for a sneeze, her features working convulsively. ~) Phelps {alarmed). Fits, ma'am? Do you mean to say that my nephew is marrying into a family where they have fiis? WHISKERS 21 Miss Sara (as the sneeze refuses to materialize'). Of snet'ziiig, sir. If you will wait i will run up-stairs and fetch you souie of it right away. PhilLPS {detaining her). Don't leave me here alone. Suppose Chester couies in and sees nie ? Suppose it gels into the newspapers that I, John Phelps, attended the wed- ding of a man who was half Jackson — suppose Miss Sara. Don't worry — go into the conservatory and wait. {Faints to door up l. c.) No one will think of going in there. I won't be a moment. Phelps {^wringing her hand). Miss Adams, how can I thauk you for your kindness, your consideration, your Miss Sara. By being good to Chester and Mabel. {She goes off at c. He stands a ?nomefit watcliing her.) Phelps. A fine woman ! A magnificent woman ! If the niece is like her, Chester is a lucky dog ! {The auto horn toots again. He starts nervously.) Dear me, more people ! I hope none of them will find their way in here. I hope Chester won't come in. Perhaps Pd better take Miss Adams' advice and retreat into the conservatory. Re- markably sensible and attractive woman. {He goes ifito the conservatory up l. c.) {Enter Anna at c, witli a big basket tied 7vith wlnte rib- bons. Slie deposits it in a cJiair ivith a grunt of relief.) Anna. Dere's a cake from old lady Johnson, My Ian', pears lak dese yere presents am nevah gwine stop arrivin'. Seems lak when folks gits married, nowadays, dey don' have to buy no mo' tings fo' de res' ob dey lives. {She looks around the room ivith a grin.) Dey sho is somefin' power- ful stimulatin' 'bout er weddin' ! I reckon when dat party starts er marchin' in wif de music playin', (lis yere niggah's gwine to have to hoi' on tight ter keep from jinin* in de per- cession ! {She starts to marehy solevinly^ across the stage ; suddenly there is a loud sneeze from the conservatory. Anna stops instantly, a look of fright eo?ning into her face. Just then, Evelyn, Frances and Eihel eo^ne in ate. Ethel is still limping, and all of them appear much excited over something.) 22 WHISKERS Frances. You must have imagined him, Ethel. Ethel {indignantly). Oh, very well, if you think I could imagine a man in a tall silk hat climbing in that very window in broad daylight ! Besides, 1 heard him whistle ! Evelyn. Whistle ! Ethel, Yes, a low, awful kind of a whistle hke you read about in pirate stories — a whistle to tell his gang that he'd gotten in, probably. Evelyn. Merciful heavens ! Anna {with a groan, falling on her knees down L.). Dey done come at las' ! Oh, Lawdy, Lawdy ! Frances. Anna, what's the matter? Anna. Dey's a man hid in dah, honey. {Points to door L. c. ) I done heard him sneeze jes' befo' you-all come in. Ethel. It's my man ! 1 told you 1 didn't imagine him ! Anna {wringing her liands). He's a night doctah, honey — he sho' is. Evelyn. What's a night doctor? Anna. Lawd, honey, don' yo' know what night doctahs is? Hit's one ob dem young medicinal students what goes provvlin' roun' an' kidnaps po' niggahs fer to use 'em in de 'sectin' room. Lawdy, I jes' knew one ob 'em was gwine get me some time. {She breaks into a wail.^ Frances {severely). Nonsense, Anna, don't be a fool ! It's a burglar after the wedding silver. What did he look like, Ethel? Ethel {sinking onto sofa and taking off her shoe). I didn't see his face — but his whistle was awful ! Evelyn. What shall we do ? If we tell the girls they'll be frightened to death. The wedding will be ruined. Anna. Look hyah, don* yo'-all do nuffin' to spile dis weddin'. Hit's powerful bad luck ter spile er weddin'. Ethel. I don't suppose you want the family to be mur- dered in cold blood, and all those lovely presents stolen, do you ? Anna. Oh, Lawdy, chile, don' talk lak dat ! Frances. The thing to do is to say nothing to any one, but to telephone the police. By the time they get here, the wedding will be over, and they can arrest the man. 1 shall do it myself at once. .( Crosses to 'phone closet.) EvKi,YN. But, Frances, suppose he hears you? Frances. He can't, if he's in the conservatory. But if WHISKERS 23 you're afraid you'd better arm yourself with somelhing and be ready for hiui. (A bell ri?igs ; they all jump.) Anna. Dat Miss Mabel wantin' me Ethel. Well, mind you don't let her see that anything's the matter. It would be a wicked shame to frighten her now. (Frances goes into closet.) Anna. Yassem. I ain't gwine tell nobody nufifin*, but goodness knows dey ain't gwine be no mo' highfaluLiness in dis yere weddin' fer me. (^Exit Anna, c.) Frances (Jieard in closet). Give me the police station. Evelyn {taking up a small chair up r.). Do you sup- pose 1 could brain him with this if he made a rush ? Ethel {liinping to the table and seizing a lamp). Try, and if he gets away from you, I'll smash him with this ! Frances {very excitedly). Is this the police station? This is 324 North Avenue: Miss Adams' house — yes — where the wedding is. Say, there's a man here. — What? There usually is at a wedding? Look here, don't you be impertinent to me, young fellow, or I'll report you. My father is an alderman. There's a strange man hidden on these premises, and we think he's after the silver. We want yon to send a policeman up Ethel. Two policemen ! He's a desperate-looking wretch ! Frances. Two policemen — big ones — yes — ^just as soon as you can. {Pause.) What? Oh, how awful! {She comes out of telephone closet.) Girls, he said there was a dreadful robbery last night at the other end of town and they slugged the man of the house and broke his arm ! He said the robber was still at large ! Ethel {putting down the lamp and limpiiig to sofa R.). Well, he isn't — he's in our conservatory ! Evelyn {going to door c). More people ! Ethel. And for all they know they've come to assist at a murder instead of a wedding. Frances. That's the beauty of keeping your wits about yon. Now, if it hadn't been for me P:thel. You? Why, all you did was to telephone the 24 WHISKERS police. I risked my life leaning out of an upstairs window watching him climb in. Suppose he'd shot me? Frances. You'd better say, "Suppose I'd fallen out of the window on him and killed him? " You were scared to death — you know you were. Ethel. VVeii, how about you ? I don't suppose yon Frances. 1 was not in the least frightened. 1 {A tremendous sneeze is Jieard from the conservatory. The three rush together in the 77iiddle of the room, Ethel, shoe in hand, Frances, holding her tightly, Evelyn, ivith her hands covering her eyes.) All. Oh ! (^Just at this moment Mlss Sara enters at c, atomizer in hand ; the girls jump apart.') Miss Sara. Why, girls, what is the matter? Frances. N-nolhing, Miss Sara ; we Evelyn. We were just — ^just Ethel {trying to put on her shoe, standing on one foot). Just wondering why the minister didn't come. Miss Saua. I'he minister has come. He's in the library putting on his robes. We'll form the procession just as soon as Mabel is ready. She's so excited, poor child, that she can't do a thing for herself. Evelyn. But where's Chester? Miss Sara. I don't know where he is. He bolted out of here a few minutes ago like a crazy man. 1 dare say he's in the library with Mr. Howe. 1 wish some of you would go and tell him we're nearly ready. Frances {quickly). \\\ go. Evelyn. So will I. ( They go off r. Ethel foUoivs sloivly.) Ethel. Wait for me. {Exit all, R.) Miss Sara [glancing around apprehensively^. Ahem ! {There is no response.) Dear me, I hope he hasn'l gone into the other rooms ! I wouldn't have him meet Chester in his nervous condition for the world — it might ruin the WHISKERS 25 boy's chances. (Goes up toward conservatory.) Mr. Phelps ! {^Enter Phelps, l. c.) Oh, you're still here ! Phelps. Ves, and sneezing my head off! There's goldenrod in that room somewhere ! Mlss Saka. Goldenrod ! Impossible ! I never allow it in the house. Phelps. It's there — somewhere. Some fiend has hidden it there. I can't stand it. PU go out with the other guests. Pd rather meet a thousand Jacksons than stay in a death- trap like that ! (Puts on the 7vhiskers and glares at Iier.) Miss Sara. Now, Mr. Phelps, don't agitate yourself. See, Pve brought the remedy. (Holds out the atomizer.) Five sniffs every fifteen minutes, and Phelps. Madam, I have no breath to sniff — I am suffo- cated — I tell you that place is rank with goldenrod — I Mlss Sara. There, there, calm yourself, Mr. Phelps. You shan't go back there. Here is a splendid hiding-place for you. (Goes to telephone closet L. ; ope /is door.) You can leave the door ajar, and you will see the bridal pro- cession as it passes through the room, and then you can steal out and watch the ceremony through those portieres. Phelps. No — no — my mind is made up. I'll go out like a man. With these whiskers I don't look like myself. Miss Sara. You certainly do not. You look like nn escaped convict. Suppose some of the Jackson family should see you in these and recognize you ! Phe[-ps. Suffering cats ! Miss Sara. You see, I'm right. Phelps. You are. You're a remarkable woman. I don't see how you have escaped being married, ma'am. Miss Sara {stiffly'). The people who do the work in tliis world, Mr. Phelps, don't have time to think of getting married. Phelps. Just what I have always said, ma'am — just why I'm single myself. Miss Sara. Pve been a very busy woman, Mr. Phelps. I've had two girls to bring up. Phelps. And remarkably well you've succeeded, mn'am, if report speaks the truth. 1 hope that nephew of mine is worthy of your niece. Miss Sara. He's a splendid fellow. Phelps. Solid, I hope? No nonsense about him? Miss Sara. Oh, dear no, none whatever ! 26 WHISKERS Phei.ps. What I dislike about tlie young men of the present day is their flighliness. It's a nervous generation — they iiave no repose — no — self-control — no Miss Sara. That's the truth. Phelps. 1 hope Chester's not nervous? I hate a nerv- ous young man. Miss Sai^a. Oh, dear no, not at all. {Aside.) And may I be forgiven for the lies I'm telling ! Phelps. And I trust, I sincerely trust that he does not smoke cigarettes. Miss Sara (^faintly). No — no — he doesn't ! (Chester's voice is heard at r.) Chester. Oh, all right, Pm ready. Miss Sara. Goodness gracious, here he is! The closet, quick {Fashes Phelps toivard it.) Phelps. But are you sure Miss Sara. Yes, yes, he mustn't see you, you know ! Quick ! Phelps (goifif). AVell, if you Miss Sara {pushing him in). There you are — take the atomizer — remember, fifteen sniffs (^She shuts the door on him as Chester e?iters r., ciqarette in mouth. He rushes up to her excitedly.) Chester. Well, why don't we begin ? The minister's ready, bridesmaids are ready, Pm ready, — why the deuce can't we begin ? Miss Sara {doivn l.). Because Mabel isn't dressed. Calm yourself, Chester. CHii:sTER. I can't calm myself. Here are the moments slip[)ing away — flying — and every one maybe (//. Oh, Chester ! Chester {crossly). Well, I didn't. I fell on his head. I think he bit me. Inez. But we must do something ! We can't leave him there ! He may make a fuss right in the midst of the ceremony ! Mabel. Oh, we can't have anything like that ! Parker. He must be gaggeci and bound till after the wedding. Chester. Well, who's going to gag and bind him? I suppose you know what it means to assault and batter an officer of the law ? Parker. Oh, of course if you don't care about getting marrie(i Mabel (dropping into a chair and bursting into tears). Oh ! ' Chester (caressing her). Don't, darling, Pll — I'll brain WHISKERS 29 llie wretrli if it's necessary — only 1 think it's Parker's place to do it. ]\1abi<:l (^sobbi/ig). So do I. He may have a gun. Chester. Of conrse he may. Inez (angri/y). 'I'hen you shan't send Parker in there — I won't allow it. I won't have him shot to pieces — they can take Chester to jail first. Mabel. You're a selfish little thing ! To go and s[)oil my wedding just for Parker Glen. Parker. Tell you what we'll do. We'll fall upon him together, tie him up, gag him, and leave him in there till afier tiie wedding, and then if he makes a fuss Chester. If he makes a fuss ! Pakker. Well, that's up to you — of course, if you Great Scott, what's that? (7y/ich disheveled — bano;in<^ the door — at the same moment Frances, Evelyn and Ethel enter at r. Inez, /// a sepulchral whisper.) Did you do it ? (Chester goes to sofa r.) Parker. You bet he's good for tiie rest of the day, all riiiht. 30 WHISKERS (Mabel is fanning Chester witli Jier veil ; he is completely exhausted.^ Frances. What's the matter ? Everybody's waiting. Ethel. Where's Miss Sara ? Evelyn. Good gracious, aren't you even in line yet? Mabel. We're wailing for (Bnler Ani^ A al c, wildly . ) Anna. Lawdy, Lawdy, de police am hyah ! (Chester gives a howl and starts for tJie door. Parker holds him. Mabel sinks into a chair, Inez falls oji her knees, burying Jier face on Mabel's lap.) Frances. ^ Evelyn. V The police ! E'JHEL. ) Chester. Let me go — let me go ! Parker. It's no use, old man, they've got us. Chester (f-isitig). They haven't got me, and they're not going to (^Shakes his fst at Anna.) Where are they ? Anna. In de kitchen — two powerful big ones — oh, Lawdy, Lawdy ! Frances [calmly). It's all right. I sent for them. Chester. You sent for them ? Frances. Yes — for the man in the closet. Chester (clutching his head). For the man in the closet ! Am 1 going mad ? (The wedding march is still being played.) Ethel. He's a burglar. I saw him crawl in the window — he's after the silver. Chester {bursting into ivild laughter). In the window ! Ha, ha [To Anna, furiously.) Where's the coal bin? (Anna shrinks away from him.) Mabel. Chester, be calm ! Chester. Calm ! When these idiots have sent for the police to land me in the penitentiary? Frances. You ? WHISKIiRS 31 Parker. Tliey must be goilcn rid of, before they find out lluii lie's in there. Inez. If we could keep them in the kitchen till after the ceremony. Chester, We'll have to keep them tliere. Here, you. {He grabs the cake from the basket and dumps it into the astonished Anna's arms.) 'lake it, make 'em eat it — all of it. Load 'em up. Keep 'em busy — hear? Anna. Yassir ! (Exit Anna, c, and enter Miss Sara, c.) Miss Sara. Chester, what does this mean ? What are you doing? What Pauker. It means that there's a man hiding in that closet Miss Sara {jvildly). Oh ! Chester. It's the sheriff — he's after me for dodging jury duty this morning — we, Parker and I, tied him up. They saw- him, thought he was a burglar, and sent for the police. If those two policemen don't happen to like cake, I shall probably be working with a chain gang this time next week. Frances. Oh ! {She bursts into tears ; the other two bridesmaids console her.) Miss Sara. You and Parker tied him up ! Parker. And gagged him. Miss Sara. Merciful powers ! {Enter Anna, c.) Anna. Day done say dey'd wait till atter de ceremony, Marse Chester, but to keep de do' locked tight case dey say hit's de bad man whut broke inter ole Judge Short's house las' night an' beat de judge up so's he couldn't hoi' no cote dis mawnin'. {Exit Anna, c.) Chester. No court to day ! Well, then, what's the sheriff doing here ? Parker. F^nt they say it isn't the sheriff. Mabee. '1 hank heaven ! CT 3 1912 32 WHISKERS Chester. Then who is he ? He has black whiskers. (Miss Sara goes to the closet and throws open tlie door. All tlie girls scream. Chester ^2;//^ Parker try to stop her. Out rolls Phelps tied ivilh wliite ribbons, a hand- kerchief in his month, and a pair of black whiskers hang- ing to his coat button.) Miss Sara. Your Uncle John Phelps, and may he for- give you, for 1 never should (Chester doubles np on sofa r. Parker oji chair l. Miss Sara and Mabel, /// c, cut the ribbons.) Mabel. Oh, Uncle John, you must forgive us ! You don't know how horribly frightened we were, and we'll never, never do it again as long as we live. Phelps (^rising). No, my dear, you never will — you'll never have the chance. Miss Sara. My dear Mr. Phelps, I assure you Phelps (coming down). My dear lady, not a word. Serves me right for coming where I wasn't invited. Chester (jumping up). Uncle John, if I'd thought you cared Phelps. Not a word, my boy, not a word — I like your sj^irit — 1 like your courage — it takes nerve to tackle an officer of the law, as you thought you were doing. It shows that you're all Pheli)s — no Jackson about you. Be- sides, if it hadn't been for you 1 never should have had the pleasure of meeting the most delightful woman 1 have ever met. Not a word. Mabel (slyly). Why, Aunt Sara ! Chester. I say, it's bully of you to Phelps. Not a word — I insist upon giving the bride away. Come, my dear. Now, are we going to keep that minister waiting all day? (/fe takes Mabel by the arm, pushes Chester toward the door r. ; they all fall i?ito position. Miss ^M