LIMERICK 
 LYRICS. 
 
 e^ 
 
 A Collection of Over 700 Choice Versifica- 
 tions, to which is added a number 
 of Short Verses, from 
 Many Sources. 
 
 SELECTED AND ARRANGED KY 
 
 STANTON VAUGHN. 
 
 f^ 
 
 N'E'w York : 
 
 T. J. ci^REir & do. 
 
 4^'^^ TVbst 24:Th: Street 
 1904 
 
LIBRARY of CONGRESS 
 Two Copies Received 
 
 MAY 31 1904 
 
 Cooyrlirht Entry 
 
 CLASS <X XXc. Na 
 
 COPY B 
 
 COPYRIGHT 1904 
 BY 
 
 T. J. Carey & Co. 
 
PREFACE 
 
 "It would seem as though the memory of man 
 runneth not to the contrary of the 'limerick.' That is 
 to say, this particular form of versification is not to 
 be traced to its beginnings. Just why it is called a 
 'limerick/ none can assuredly say. But, whatever its 
 origin, it is an institution provocative of wit of many 
 and the amusement of all. The English-speaking 
 world knows of thousands, some composed for special 
 occasions and speedily perishing; others with the vital- 
 ity of real genius in them." — Evening Star, Wash- 
 ington. 
 
 There was once a poet named Immerick, 
 Who worked forty days on a "limerick," 
 
 At the end of which time, 
 He remarked of his rhyme, 
 **There's a limp in the limb of my limerick." 
 
 I never could quite see the trick, 
 I never wrote a limerick, 
 
 I've often tried 
 And gone to bed a-feelin' sick. 
 
 A writer in a w^estern paper notes that ''this is the 
 day of the limerick," and says of this popular form of 
 nonsense verse that "it possesses a jingling rhythm 
 which haunts the memory long after the measured 
 sonorousness of an epic or the lilting melody of a 
 lyric have departed." 
 
 The writer is evidently under the delusion that all 
 nonsense verses are limericks. Now, we can't give a 
 dictionary definition of a limerick, for the reason that 
 the word, for some unaccountable reason, isn't given; 
 but at least we know one when we see one. 
 
 Edward Lear has generally been charged with the 
 invention of the five-line stanza well known as the 
 "limerick," but he always pleads "not guilty," saying 
 the form was suggested to him^ by a friend as a particu- 
 larly appropriate model for nonsense rhymes, and this 
 model, if we are not mistaken, was taken from the 
 popular song, "All the Way Up to Limerick," How« 
 
Iv PREFACE. 
 
 ever it was, Lear's first nonsense verses, published in 
 1846, were written in the form of the familiar stanza, 
 beginning : 
 
 There was an old man of Tobago, 
 
 and he wrote no less than two hundred and fourteen 
 others. Carolyn Wells is authority that there is an 
 authority to the effect that the ^'limerick" flourished 
 in the reign of William IV., and that the following was 
 current in 1834: 
 
 There was a young man of St. Kitts, 
 Who was^ very much troubled with fits, 
 
 The eclipse of the moon 
 
 Threw him into a swoon, 
 When he tumbled and broke into bits. 
 
 "Limerick" is not in the Century or Standard dic- 
 tionary, but a correspondent writes that Murray gives 
 the following: 
 
 Limerick. — (Said to be from a custom at convivial parties, 
 according to which each member sang an extemporized "non- 
 sense verse," which was followed by a chorus containing the 
 words: "Will you come up to Limerick?") A form of non- 
 sense verse. 
 
 By way of illustration, the following is quoted from 
 Kipling's "Stalky": "Make up a good catchy limerick 
 and let the fags sing it." — S. V. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS 
 
 There was a young poet in Wemyss, 
 Who cried, ^^O, how awful it seems. 
 
 When asleep late at night, 
 
 Lovely poetry to wright. 
 And awakening find it's but dreymss !" 
 
 Sir Thomas and Kitty sat out on the 
 porch, 
 In the light of the silvery moon, 
 And he breathed forth a prayer, 
 To this being most fair. 
 As he asked for her hand as a boon. 
 
 ^^Oh! heart of my heart! oh! beauty most 
 rare, 
 I would give up my life to save thine." 
 ^^That is nothing," said she, 
 ^^The point is with me. 
 Are you willing to give up all nine?" 
 
 There was a young chap named Cholmon- 
 
 deley, 
 Who always at dinner sat dolmondeley. 
 His fair partner said, 
 As he crumbled his bread, 
 ^'Dear me! you behave very rholmon- 
 deley!" 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A boy at Sault Ste. Marie, 
 
 Said, ^^To spell, I will not agree, 
 
 Till they learn to spell ^Soo' 
 
 Without any ^u,' 
 Or an ^a' or an 'V or a ^t.' " 
 
 There was a young man in Ann Arbor, 
 Who studied to be a fine barber; 
 
 He cut quite a dash, 
 
 And used up his cash. 
 Then shaved all his friends at Ann Arbor. 
 
 A fine old landowner named Majori- 
 
 banks. 
 Found the summer heat dry paths and 
 parjoribanks. 
 So about his estate, 
 . To protect his old pate, 
 He arranged pine plantations and larjori- 
 
 banks! 
 But at length when the tide struck the 
 
 barque. 
 It floated away like a sharque. 
 And hereafter he'll steer 
 Of that spot very clear 
 And look out for a low water marque. 
 
 A man who was steering a yacht. 
 
 His course through the water forgacht. 
 
 And he stuck in the mud 
 
 With a dull, sickening thud. 
 And the captain then swore a whole lacht. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 She was wooed by a handsome young Dr., 
 Who one day in his arms tightly Ir. ; 
 
 But straightway he swore 
 
 He would do so no more, 
 Which the same, it was plain, greatly shr. 
 
 A young girl whose last name was Mack, 
 Went to church in a new sealskin sack; 
 
 In donating her mite 
 
 She squeezed it so tight 
 That her kid glove cracked right 'cross the 
 back. 
 
 A little old maid at Sag Harbor, 
 Takes her meals in the shade of an arbor, 
 With her forty pet cats, 
 And her French poodle, ^^Rats," 
 Which is shaved once a wxek by a barber. 
 
 There was a young lady named Maud, 
 Who at meals was a terrible fraud. 
 
 She never was able 
 
 To eat at the table. 
 But out in the pantry — Oh, Lord! 
 
 There was once a young poet in Hing- 
 
 ham. 
 Who said, ^^I have songs and Fll sing- 
 ham;" 
 He sang a few times— 
 Now the funeral chimes 
 Sound doleful whenever they ringham. 
 
8 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 The devil made the wind to blow 
 The ladies' skirts knee high, 
 The Lord was just, 
 He raised the dust 
 To blind the bad man's eye. 
 
 ^W. F. H. S. 
 
 lAnd the ladies are sad, rather than glad, 
 That the devil didn't have his say. 
 They think it unjust 
 To raise the dust 
 To get in the poor man's way. 
 
 — Henry Moore. 
 
 My remedy is this, and I trust, not amiss : 
 When the dust begins to fly. 
 
 Just put on specks, 
 
 Which will prevent the flecks 
 From getting in your eye. 
 
 —Strategist. 
 
 Now all the beaux will wear specks on the 
 nose. 
 And there'll be a big business in 
 glasses; 
 While the beautiful hose 
 The merchant shows 
 Will go like hot cakes and molasses. 
 
 Minnehaha was kneading the dough, 
 Unexpectant of sorrow or wough; 
 The pappoose began bawling. 
 And the bread-pan in fawling 
 Crushed the Indian corn on her tough. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Under the casement the canine was howl- 
 ing, 
 
 His notes were both frequent and long. 
 ^What sing you?" asked Towser, 
 Who that way came prowling, 
 
 Quoth he: ^Tis a pup-ular song." 
 
 There w^as a young girl from the Hub, 
 Who had heard of Diogenes' tub ; 
 To the kitchen she hied her, 
 Where her ma quickly spied her, 
 And oh, how she made that girl scrub. 
 
 In a spasm to be thought most exquisite, 
 A maiden named Lee spelled it Lis. 
 ^^It's good French," said she, 
 ^^ust see Fleur-de-lis" 
 
 And now she is known as plain Liz. 
 
 I know a sweet girl who's called Maud, 
 Of her papa I'm very much awed. 
 
 I'd ask his consent. 
 
 But I think if I went 
 He'd kick till I hollered ^^Oh, Lawd!" 
 
 There was a young housewife of Ayr, 
 Whose husband's homecomings w^ere 
 rare. 
 Had he danced on her chest 
 She'd have felt quite at rest. 
 For at least she'd have known he was 
 there. 
 
10 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A stalwart collection of Sioux, 
 Being hungry and having the blioux, 
 To Washington went, 
 Where a few days they spent 
 In talking and hearing the nioux. 
 
 Said they, ^'You will kindly excuioux 
 Our mode of expressing our vioux, 
 
 But we're hungry out there, 
 
 If youVe rations to spare 
 Do not fear that we'll proudly refuioux." 
 
 They rode through our fair avenioux, 
 Took a trip to the finest of Zioux, 
 Where the monkeys at play 
 On a bright, springtime day, 
 Make us laugh, even when we don't 
 chioux. 
 
 Then we said, ^^Save your pennies, oh, 
 
 Sioux, 
 And beware of bad money and bioux." 
 They grunted. ^^That's nice, 
 We have heap good advice ; 
 But we're still short of blankets and 
 shioux." - ; vy 
 
 A composer who lived in the ghetto, 
 Once wrote out a comic libretto; 
 When nobody sang it, 
 He said, ^^Oh, well, hang it, 
 I'll sing it myself in falsetto!" 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. ii 
 
 A war correspondent named Guido 
 Was struck by a flying torpedo; 
 
 A Red Cross brigade 
 
 Which came to his aid 
 Found only a sleeveless Tuxedo! 
 
 The people who live in Shanghai 
 
 Seem to take great delight when they lai, 
 
 But there isn't much doubt 
 
 That our fishers for troubt, 
 With these folks, in their falsehoods, can 
 vail 
 
 There lived in the village of Beaulieu 
 A couple who'd gone there but neaulieu; 
 
 Their child was named Vaughan 
 
 As soon as 'twas baughan, 
 But, alas, he proved treaulieu unreaulieu. 
 
 There was an old fellow in Worcester, 
 Who owned quite a famous game ror- 
 cester, 
 
 But when it grew old 
 
 It had to be sold, 
 It could not fight as it urcester. 
 
 There was a fair maid of Rhode Island, 
 Who wore a continuous smile, and 
 
 This smile grew apace 
 
 Till it quite hid her face, 
 Then it altered the map of Rhode Island. 
 
12 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There once was an old man at Wemyss, 
 Used to dream such remarkable dremyss, 
 
 The folks stared aghast 
 
 At the things he'd forecast 
 And give vent to their terror in scremyss. 
 
 There was a young man from E^lora, 
 Who married a girl called Lenora, 
 
 But he had not been wed 
 
 Very long till he said, 
 ^^Oh, drat it! I've married a snorer!" 
 
 An oyster from Kalamazoo 
 Confessed he was feeling quite blue, 
 ^^For," says he, ^^as a rule. 
 When the weather turns cool, 
 I invariably get in a stew!" 
 
 A king who began on his reign, 
 Exclaimed with a feeling of peign, 
 
 '^Though I'm legally heir. 
 
 No one seems to ceir 
 That I haven't been born with a breign." 
 
 Last Sunday she wore a new sacque. 
 Low cut at the front and the bacque, 
 And a lovely bouquet 
 Worn in such a cute wuet. 
 As only few girls have the knackue. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 13 
 
 There was a young man of Devizes, 
 Whose ears were different sizes, 
 
 The one that was small 
 
 Was no use at all, 
 But the other took several prizes. 
 
 In exodus of Summer days 
 
 The dude departs in pleasant ways, 
 
 But does forget. 
 
 To our regret, 
 The X owed us he never pays. 
 
 ^^In going from Wall Street," said he, 
 ^To Harlem, how long shall I be?" 
 
 And the answer was, ^Well, 
 
 It's two hours by the L, 
 Or take the express and it's three." 
 
 A certain )^oung damsel in Lent 
 Said she surely must weep and repent, 
 
 For miss-steaks so undone. 
 
 And miss-steaks overdone, 
 Or ^^attentions'' would never be meant. 
 
 There was a fair maid who would sigh. 
 ^'Ah, love is a torture!" she'd cry; 
 
 Said her pa, ^Tommyrot! 
 
 'Tisn't love that you've got, 
 'Tis a mixture — pork, puddin' and pie." 
 
14 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 She was thought enigmatic in Leicester, 
 Till her best fellow one day careicester, 
 
 A riddle before, 
 
 She's a riddle no more. 
 Because, you'll observe, he had geicester. 
 
 A rheumatic old man of White Plains, 
 Who will never stay in when it rains, 
 Has a home full of drugs. 
 Kept in little brown jugs — 
 That's all that he gets for his pains. 
 
 There was an old chap of Sag Harbor, 
 Who never would go to a barber. 
 
 He said, ^What's the use? 
 
 Let my whiskers run loose. 
 And they'll soon round my face form an 
 arbor." 
 
 Little Jack Horner sat in a corner, 
 Watching his chips mount high ; 
 He sat awhile grinning, 
 Then said, /^Ha! I'm winning, 
 What a wizard at poker am I." 
 
 There was an old shark with a smile 
 So broad you could see it a mile, 
 He said to his friends 
 As he sewed up the ends, 
 ^^It was really too wide for the style.'^ 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 15 
 
 A lady who deftly crocheted, 
 
 A terrible temper depleted, 
 On finding when through 
 That a dropped stitch or twough 
 
 Has spoiled the contrivance she'd meted. 
 
 An urchin who lived in Butte, 
 Vivaciously ate of green frutte, 
 
 The doctor was 'phoned. 
 
 The little boy moaned. 
 His bread basket pains wxre acutte. 
 
 A sailor boy named Happy Jack, 
 At school did his cranium crack, 
 
 To elevate pupils, 
 
 And, having few scruples, 
 He wickedly tried a new tack! 
 
 Though a young man of football 
 
 physique. 
 His heart was exceedingly wique, 
 
 While he much loved the maid "^^ 
 
 He was so afraid 
 That he hadn't the courage to spique. ' 
 
 A little boy down in Natchez 
 
 Sat upon powder and matchez, " 
 
 For the seat of war 
 
 He hankers no more, ' 
 
 Though re-enforced well with patchez. 
 
i6 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 ; Don't talk to me of the busy bee, 
 Improving each shining minute, 
 With the fly that waits 
 For hairless pates 
 That bee is noway in it. 
 
 There was an old woman said, "How 
 Shall I flee from this terrible cow? 
 
 I will sit on a stile 
 
 And continue to smile, 
 It may soften the heart of the cow." 
 
 "I am not a cynic," he softly remarked, 
 "I am fond of my fellow-man; 
 
 But, just the same, 
 
 I paint my name 
 On umbrellas as quick as I can." 
 
 He proudly led her down the ,aisle. 
 His face all wreathed in happy smaisle; 
 
 But when the preacher said, "Do 
 you—?" 
 
 She sobbed, "I hardly think I do — 
 I'd better wait a whaisle." 
 
 A dashing young soldier named Itsky, 
 By a Japanese bullet was hitsky, 
 
 He said, "I'll not fight, 
 
 I don't think it's right, 
 And instead I will git uo and gitsky," 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 17 
 
 There once was a corpulent carp, 
 Who wanted to play on a harp, 
 
 But to his chagrin, 
 
 So short was his fin 
 That he couldn't reach up to C sharp. 
 
 A poet whose first name was Peter, 
 On edge of Fame often did teeter; 
 
 But he sadly lacked might, ^ 
 
 And his verse was so light. 
 It was measured by common gas meter. 
 
 The lands of the Sioux are open, 'tis 
 
 trioux, 
 To the hardy white settler who likes all 
 
 things nioux; 
 But what will he dioux 
 When the frolicsome Sioux 
 Swoop down on him, scalp him and chop 
 
 him in tioux? 
 
 A Javanese pig-tailed macaque 
 Complained of a dreadful bacaque; 
 But they gave him some pills 
 That soon cured all the ills 
 Of the Javanese pig-tailed macaque. 
 
 Said a bicycle boy, ^^Now, then, 
 I will ride like the racing men!" 
 But he got into trouble. 
 For he bent himself double, 
 And couldn't bend back again* 
 
!i8 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A fellah went home in a hansom, 
 He had been out all evening to dansom; 
 And he sighed, ^^Well, that's queer, 
 There is no keyhole here!" 
 So he threw his hat over the transom. 
 
 A decrepit old gas man named Peter, 
 While hunting around for the meter, 
 
 Touched a leak with his light. 
 
 He arose out of sight, 
 And, as anyone can see by reading this, it 
 also destroyed the meter. 
 
 Said a Reub who lived near Natohitoches 
 And often wore his mackintoches, 
 
 ^^These showers will woches, 
 
 But the forecasts, begoches. 
 Are simply just a pack o' boches." 
 
 Whenever she looks down the aisle, 
 She gives me a beautiful smaisle, 
 
 And of all of her beaux 
 
 I am certain she sheaux 
 She likes me the best of the whaisle. 
 
 At the classics he'd ne'er had a chance; 
 But in wisdom he led the whole dance, 
 
 Forsooth he was able 
 
 To take a time table 
 And tell what it meant at a glance. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 19 
 
 There was a young fellow who sat 
 Quite thoughtlessly flat on his hat. 
 
 He reposed there a while 
 
 And so altered its style, 
 That he uses it now for a mat. 
 
 There was a disgusting old man, 
 Who used to eat catch-as-catch-can. 
 He covered his vest 
 With remains of the best 
 Of the gravy and chicken and ham. 
 
 Some day, ere she growls too antique, 
 In marraige her hand I shall sique. 
 If she's not a coquette — 
 Which I'd greatly regrette — 
 She shall share my six dollars a wique. 
 
 There w^as a fair maid from Decatur, 
 Who was known as a red-hot potatur. 
 
 To the jungles she wxnt 
 
 On mission work bent. 
 Where a dozen fat savages atur! 
 
 A rogue met a pretty young Mrs., 
 A widow, and stole a few krs. 
 
 And the lady, though she was as- 
 tounded, 
 Said she'd waive prosecution. 
 If he'd make restitution. 
 So the felony was compounded. 
 
20 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was an old woman of Mocha, 
 Who struck at her spouse with a pocha. 
 
 He said, ^^Oh, my deah, 
 
 Your manners are queeaK, 
 But, then, I suppose you're a jocka." 
 
 He asked the policeman his No., 
 When he woke from a much-needed slo. 
 
 But the copper got hot 
 
 And clubbed him a lot, 
 Then hid on a big pile of lo. 
 
 Two maidens were seated at t, 
 Discussing the things that may b. 
 ^^I think ni wed Willie/' 
 Said Mollie to Millie, 
 ^^That is, if he asks me, you c.'' 
 
 There once was a wonderful ape, 
 Who gave up his skin for a cape. 
 Now he swings in the trees, 
 All exposed to the breeze. 
 
 Which leaves him in very bad shape. 
 
 He sent a perfumed billet-doux 
 To a maiden aged thirty and tioux. 
 
 It expressed inclination 
 
 Toward annexation. 
 And she telegraphed, ^^I'm your loux- 
 lioux." 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 21 
 
 '^IVe been dreaming, yes, dreaming of 
 
 you," 
 Said the maiden, so tender and true. 
 
 '^For I have a bad habit 
 
 Of eating Welsh rarebit. 
 And there's no telling what that will do." 
 
 There once was a silly Welsh rabbit, 
 Who had the preposterous habit 
 
 Of saying, ^^Now, I 
 
 Spell my name with a y 
 And a w — when I can grab it." 
 
 There was a young man named Furlong, 
 Who took for his wife a girl. Long, 
 
 In a year or so. 
 
 And all in a row. 
 His family reached a mile long. 
 
 N. B. — Eight furlongs equal one mile. 
 
 The Sultana wore trousers of tafifeta, 
 (Having purchased a yard and a haffeta, 
 
 Bargain), and now. 
 
 See the courtiers kow-tow! 
 No-da soul of them ventures to lafifeta. 
 
 A young man in the city of Sioux 
 Loved a maid with a million or tioux. 
 
 But the papa said, ^^Nay," 
 
 And the youth went away. 
 Urged on by the stern parent's shioux. 
 
22 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Mary had a little goat 
 
 That was full of whims and humors; 
 
 Old bills and paste 
 
 Were quite his taste. 
 But he choked on Mary's bloomers. 
 
 They were married in Washington, D. C, 
 And each soon considered the other N. G., 
 Whereat she fled to Sioux Falls, S. D., 
 While he took his flight out to Guthrie, 
 
 O. T., 
 And now they are once again happy and 
 
 free. 
 
 He gave her some kind of elixir. 
 When she said to him, ^^Fm sixir,'' 
 
 But it tasted so bad, 
 
 That the lady got mad, 
 And said, ^'It's a very mean trixir." 
 
 There was a young man from the city, 
 Who saw what he thought was a kitty. 
 
 To make sure of that 
 
 He gave it a pat. 
 They buried his clothes — what a pity! 
 
 ^^There's a train at 4.04," said Miss Jenny, 
 ^^Four tickets I'll take. Have you any?" 
 
 Said the man at the door, 
 
 ^^Not four for 4.04, 
 For four for 4.04 are too many.'' 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 23 
 
 A prudish young miss of Oshkosh 
 Slipped up on an overripe squash; 
 Good breeding is great, 
 But I grieve to relate 
 She forgot all her French in her much 
 confused state, 
 And the comment she made was, ^'Oh, 
 gosh!" 
 
 Here lies a young lady named Alexis, 
 Who angered a mule down in Texis, 
 
 The mule in the fight 
 First led with his right. 
 Then put in his left on the plexis ! 
 
 ^^There once was a sporting young Dr., 
 Who wasn't afraid of the Pr., 
 
 And as for his sr., 
 
 I often have kr., 
 Though her ma said such goings-on sr." 
 
 Six Sikhs asked the steward to fix 
 Them a nice little stew at 6.06, 
 But the wind blew a gale, 
 And they rushed to the rail. 
 For six Sikhs were seasick at 6.06. 
 
 There was a young man of Ostend, 
 Who vowed he'd hold out till the end, 
 
 But, when half way over, 
 
 From Calais to Dover, 
 He done what he didn't intend. 
 
24 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A girl who was quite an adept, 
 As to Reginald's elbow she crept, 
 
 Whispered into his ear, 
 
 ^This is leap year, my dear; 
 Don't you think you could leap?" — And 
 he ^4ept." 
 
 If the sun sets clear on Friday night, 
 Make fast your stops and hatchway, 
 
 For the wind will blow, 
 
 And it's like to snow 
 Before this time on Monday. 
 
 There once was a thin man called Jno., 
 Whose clothes hung him loosely upno; 
 His facetious friends' loans 
 Always were for five ^^bones," 
 For he looked like a mere skeletno. 
 
 Though he never would marry, swore 
 
 Wait, 
 In due season he led to the alt 
 
 A most beautiful maid. 
 
 And the witnesses said. 
 That he blenched not, nor did he once fait. 
 
 They say there's a servant to Cupid, 
 Whose duty it is to keep track 
 
 Of the number of kisses 
 
 That misters and misses 
 Are giving each other, ker-smack. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 25 
 
 As a dutiful man who is married, 
 I think that he ought to find time, 
 
 This keeper of blisses 
 
 To also watch Mrs. — 
 You may fit any name to this rhyme. 
 
 A fair, witty widow of few years 
 Swore she'd never more gossip on New 
 Year's; 
 But that very night 
 She'd forgotten it quite 
 And told all that she'd heard the past two 
 years. 
 
 The Bishop preached; ^^My friends," said 
 
 he, 
 ^^How sweet a thing is charity. 
 
 The choicest gem in virtue's casket." 
 ^Tt is, indeed,' sighed Miser B., 
 
 ^^And instantly I'll go and — ask it." 
 
 He belonged to a gallant drum corps. 
 Tried to mash a young girl in the strops, 
 
 But she thought him quite rude 
 
 And called him a dude, 
 And never would speak to him morps. 
 
 There was a young indigent Dr., 
 Called in by a woman named Prr., 
 
 With a batt'ry he shr., 
 
 Quite senseless he knr., 
 Ten plunks was the sum that he sr. 
 
26 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A clever young man at the Sault 
 
 Bit off more than he safely could chault, 
 
 And the people all shout, 
 
 Now the cash has run out, 
 ^We'll sault yoult — that's what we will 
 dault." 
 
 There was a young lady at Bingham, 
 Who knew many songs, and could sing 
 'em, 
 But she couldn't mend hose. 
 And she wouldn't wafinb clothes, 
 Or help her old mother to wring 'em. 
 
 They tell this of Julius Caesar, 
 That he put some ice in a freezer, 
 Observing to Brutus, 
 'We'll chill it to suit us!' 
 N0W3 he was a funny old geezer. 
 
 In the name of something dinoloneljr 
 Angelic, human or infolonel. 
 
 Will some one tell me, 
 
 Pho-net-ic-al-lee, 
 Why is it we spell it thus— Colonel? 
 
 A fellow whose first name was Oscai- 
 Sat watching the opera, ^^Tosca," 
 Till the plot grew so deep 
 That they sang him to .sleep. 
 And he dreamed he was dr^vix^g a hoss 
 car. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 27 
 
 Unrefined and quite vulgar's Aug. 
 
 Who has friequently sworn at and C; 
 Though we've said we'd instruct him 
 How he ought to conduct him, 
 
 He declines, for he seems to distr. 
 
 The inventor, he chortled with glee, 
 As they fished his airship from the sea, 
 
 ^'I shall build," and he laughed, 
 
 ^^A submarine craft, 
 And, perhaps, it will fly," remarked he. 
 
 There was an old lady of Rye, 
 Who was baked by mistake in a pie, 
 To the household's disgust 
 She emerged through the crust. 
 And exclaimed, with a yawn, ^Where 
 ami?" 
 
 There was a young man who said, 'Vhy 
 In the butter came this pesky fly? 
 
 Let me tell you, that's flat, 
 
 I would eat a door mat 
 As soon as warm butter with fly." 
 
 He gave her a ring in September, 
 That day he will ever remember; 
 
 She proved a coquette. 
 
 And his ring he will get 
 Back again on the last of January. 
 
28 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was a young man with poor sight, 
 Whom a lady to call did invight, 
 
 He kicked her pet Skye, 
 
 As he tried to pass bye, 
 And ran when he got a good bight. 
 
 He once wrote a novel of passion, 
 Which he fancied to take in some cash on; 
 
 But it was no success. 
 
 For his heroine's dress 
 Was fully a year out of fashion. 
 
 A young woman whose surname was 
 
 Foster, 
 Set out on a visit to Gloucester, 
 
 She traveled all day 
 
 In a roundabout way. 
 And nobody knew what it cost her. 
 
 A Frog once gave an afternoon tea, 
 And invited a Rooster and a Bee; 
 
 Frog sat in the middle, 
 
 And gave them a riddle, 
 ^^And this is the riddle," said he: 
 
 ^^Dear Friends, can either of 5^ou tell me, 
 Why is a Rooster like a Bee?" 
 
 They both answered, ^^Yes, sir; 
 
 We're each a good guesser, 
 And we each have a comb, you see.'' 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 29 
 
 They tell of a girl of Duluth, 
 
 Who had what she called a ^^sweet" tooth; 
 
 So large did it seem 
 
 That a gallon of cream 
 Sufficed not to fill it, in sooth! 
 
 A young man on the journey had met her, 
 And he tried just his hardest to get her; 
 He knelt at her feet. 
 Said, ^^ril die for you, sweet," 
 And she cruelly told him he'd better. 
 
 The lady Giraffe for the ballroom was 
 
 dressed 
 In the latest decollete style. 
 
 When a dashing young beau, 
 
 The good-looking Dodo, 
 Stepped up to her side with a smile. 
 
 ^^My dear Miss Giraffe," said he with a 
 bow, 
 
 ^Tou're the fairest of maids at the ball, 
 And yet if your neck 
 Should grow longer a speck 
 
 You would need to wear nothing at all." 
 
 The cobbler doesn't cobbie with a cob. 
 The gobbler doesn't gobble with a gob. 
 And the slouchy man or nobby 
 Who's afflicted with a hobby 
 Hasn't always had to get it playing hob. 
 
30 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A young woman longing for f ayme, 
 Insisted on spelling it ^^Mayme," 
 
 She went on the stage, 
 
 But much to her rage, 
 She had to walk home just the sayme. 
 
 She arrived home tired and layme, 
 
 But chock full of pluck and quite gayme ; 
 
 So as cookess she hired, 
 
 And is still much admired, 
 Though Mary Ann now is her nayme. 
 
 The pickler doesn't pickle with a pick, 
 The tickler doesn't tickle with a tick, 
 And it doesn't always follow, 
 When there's ugliness to swallow. 
 That the stickler has to stickle with 
 stick. 
 
 I once owned a roving hog, 
 And likewise a little dog, 
 Whom I chained unto a log, 
 To keep him from a bog 
 
 Which was near. 
 That my faithful little dawg, 
 Despite the chain and lawg. 
 Would pursue that roving hawg 
 And get drown-ed in the bawg 
 
 Was my fear. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 31 
 
 One Umra, of Jandol the Khan, 
 Says, ^^ril capture an Englishman." 
 But John Bull attacks him 
 With guns known as Maxim 
 And blows him to Afghanistan. 
 
 A shopkeeper out at West Farms 
 Has twelve new patent burglar alarms, 
 
 And he says, '^While expensive. 
 
 This plan so defensive. 
 Assures me sound slumber's sweet 
 charms." 
 
 There's a girl out in Ann Arbor, Mich., 
 To meet whom I never would wich, 
 
 She'd eat of ice cream 
 
 Till with colic she'd scream, 
 And yet order another big dich. 
 
 But the girl I met way down in Me,, 
 Of all girls gave me most pe. ; , 
 She knew enough to chew gum, 
 But not enough, near, to come 
 In the house to get out of the re. 
 
 A simple old farmer, McVeagh, 
 Whom every one said was a jeagh, 
 
 Fell in with a man 
 
 On the confidence plan, 
 And now he is back making heagh. 
 
32 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A miss is as good as a mile, 
 A kiss is as good as a smile, 
 
 But four painted kings 
 
 Are the beautiful things 
 That are good for the other man's pile. 
 
 But how the smile flattens out, 
 When with exultant shout, 
 
 Four solitaire aces 
 
 Turn up their faces 
 To put that king man to rout.' 
 
 The ov/ner of Polly the Parrot 
 Swore off with the New Year's dawn, 
 
 But the obstinate Polly 
 
 Said, ^Well, by golly, 
 I mean to go swearing on!" 
 
 There was a young urchin of Wye, 
 Who when asked, ''Could he eat a mince 
 pie?" 
 
 Simply nodded his head. 
 
 As he artlessly said, 
 "Bring out all wot you've got an' I'll try!" 
 
 There was a young man named Polk, 
 Who at the racetrack went brolk, 
 
 Now he had to eat. 
 
 So in Water street 
 He left his new ulster in solk. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 33 
 
 An immaculate, swell young man 
 A custom-made, trim young man, 
 
 A dasher, a crasher, 
 
 A female heart smasher, 
 A glass-in-his-eye young man. 
 
 For months he had tried to coax 
 The papers to print his joax, 
 But 'twas all in vain. 
 So his mammoth brain 
 In alcohol now he soax. 
 
 A very well-dressed young man, 
 A plump, well-built young man, 
 
 Despising frivolity. 
 
 Still full of jollity— 
 Quite up-to-date young man. 
 
 Unto his sweltering garret, 
 Ye poet now doth climb. 
 And writeth out a sonnet, 
 Perspiring freely on it, 
 About ye Xmas time. 
 
 There was a young man in Marquette, 
 Who knew that he oughtn't to buette. 
 
 But he did just the same 
 
 On some kind of game, 
 And he hasn't got over it yuette. 
 
34 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was an old woman with a bonnet, 
 And the birds of the air perched upon it; 
 
 Said she, ^^I don't care 
 
 If all the birds in the air 
 Should come and perch on my bonnet." 
 
 On the banks of the Yiangtsekiang, 
 The Cossack urged on his mustang, 
 And attempted to shoot, 
 But his gun caught a root 
 And went off with a terrible bang. 
 
 A Jap went on board of Etruria, 
 To sail for Japan and Manchuria, 
 
 He felt fit for a fight. 
 
 But before it was night 
 He was feeding his pet infusoria. 
 
 A young English woman named St. John 
 Met a red-skinned American It. John, 
 
 Who made her his bride 
 
 And gave her beside 
 A costume with gaudy bead Frt. John. 
 
 The teacher a lesson he taught. 
 The preacher a sermon he praught. 
 
 The stealer he stole, 
 
 The heeler he hole, 
 [And the screecher he awfully scrought. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 35 
 
 The long-winded speaker he spoke, 
 The seeker of wealth he soke, 
 
 The runner he ran, 
 
 The dunner he dan, 
 And the shrieker he horribly shroke. 
 
 The pigeon to Belgium flew, 
 The buyer on credit he bew, 
 
 The doer he did. 
 
 The suer he sid. 
 And the liar (a fisherman) lew. 
 
 The writer this nonsense he wrote, 
 The fighter (an editor) fote. 
 
 The swimmer he swam. 
 
 The skimmer he skam, 
 And the biter was hungry and bote. 
 
 Her old sweetheart, a fellow named 
 
 Beauchamp, 
 When he heard the news said, ^^I'U 
 teauchamp 
 A lesson or two; 
 I'll make them feel blue 
 As soon as I'm able to reauchamp." 
 
 He invited his side partner, Cholmondely, 
 To assist him, but he acted gloimondely. 
 
 Just sat still and heard. 
 
 But said not a word. 
 Expressing unwillingness doimondely. 
 
36 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 So Beauchamp, whose home was in 
 
 Gloucester, 
 Returned there convinced he had 
 loucester, 
 Nor grieved at her fate 
 When he heard that in hate 
 Her spouse o'er a precipice toucester. 
 
 There was a fiancee of Brill, 
 iWhose mother cried, ^^Bless my heart, 
 Till! 
 
 To hear you keep on 
 
 About you and your John 
 Is enough to make any one ill !" 
 
 ■An inventor set sail from Rangoon 
 On a flying machine to the moon; 
 He has not yet come back, 
 And his wife, who's in black, 
 Hopes to draw his insurance check soon. 
 
 There was a young man of Crewkerne, 
 iWho believed he had nothing to learn, 
 
 So to round out his life 
 
 He married a wife, 
 And now — well, he's having his turn! 
 
 In plain spoken English, " 'tis tough" 
 When a man to a girl does blough 
 
 About all the ^^dough" 
 
 On her he'd bestough, 
 And lots of other such stough, 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 37 
 
 A patriot living at Omsk, 
 
 Started out with the army to romsk; 
 
 But he frosted his feet 
 
 And was heard to repeat, 
 ^^Gee whizzki, I wish I was homsk!'' 
 
 But when that young maiden benign, 
 Discovers he's not so divign. 
 
 She cries, ^^Oh, you dunce, 
 
 I did love you wunce. 
 But my love now at home I'll confign." 
 
 This is so the entire world through, 
 You imagine a maiden loves yough — 
 
 Like the wind bends the bough. 
 
 You are bent by the rough. 
 Then left and forsaken — bough-wough. 
 
 They went for a ride with the duque. 
 To show him the sights of Dubuque, 
 
 Till he said, ^^That's enough. 
 
 This is only a blough," 
 Which I knew wasn't bad for a duque. 
 
 Said the man, who while fishing at May- 
 fair, 
 Hauled out an old turtle with gray hair, 
 '^Some things, it would seam, 
 Are dipped from the stream 
 That would have done better to stay 
 thair." 
 
38 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A farmer, while planting some saygo, 
 Fell back in the creek at Newaygo, 
 
 He crawled out, alack! 
 
 With a crick in the back. 
 And was sick for a week with lumbaygo. 
 
 There was a young girl of Strelitza, 
 Whose mother she ups and she hits her; 
 
 The cause of these knocks 
 
 Was her sister's new socks, 
 For she cried, ^'Why, I'm blowed if they 
 fits her!" 
 
 An ambitious lobster declared he would 
 
 sing. 
 And started to practice one day in the 
 Spring; 
 With a starfish for teacher, 
 A dismal old preacher, 
 Who tied up his notes with a piece of red 
 string. 
 
 He showed his five points — which the lob- 
 ster had not — 
 Which, if he'd sing right, must surely be 
 
 got; 
 So the lobster said, "Aw!" 
 Seized the star in his claw, 
 And ate him, then sang very well on the 
 spot. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 39 
 
 The crop being in, as je'd planned, 
 Je said that the jarvest was grand. 
 
 And vowed from jis jeart, 
 
 That the jeaviest part 
 Was done by jis jonest jired jand. 
 
 There was a young lady named Moll, 
 Who purchased a new parasol, 
 
 With a handle so long 
 
 That she had to be strong 
 Or she couldn't have lugged it all. 
 
 She met a young man who, 'twas plain, 
 Was staggering with might and main 
 
 To steady his gait 
 
 'Neath the terrible weight 
 Of his dreadfully cumbersome cane. 
 
 So intent was the beautiful Moll, 
 In lugging her long parasol, 
 
 That she passed the young swain 
 
 With the cumbersome cane. 
 And nevermore saw him at all. 
 
 What a narrow escape for that swain! 
 Had she recognized him he would fain 
 
 Have lifted his hat. 
 
 But how could he do that 
 And carry his cumbersome cane? 
 
^ 
 
 40 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Says Russia in sadness, ^^I dreadoff 
 Japanovich hailstorms of leadofif; 
 
 Unless the small Japski 
 
 Shall meet a mishapski 
 I fear that he'll blow my darned headoff." 
 
 Says China, whose skin is still flabby, 
 ^Wha' fo' white man allee time grabee? 
 
 Wait till one Japanee 
 
 Kill-um Russia, then we 
 Drive-um out all white devils — you 
 sabe?' 
 
 Says Germany, ^^Sooch a gondition 
 Makes varfare von fine, holy mission; 
 
 So der Dutch beoples are 
 
 In cahoots mit der Czar, 
 Gott und Vilhelm und China's partition." 
 
 Says France, ^^Ah, ze warfare romantique, 
 Where ze armies manoeuvre and antic, 
 
 So my heart go rub-dub, 
 
 Just ze Kaiser to drub. 
 For ze smell of ze smoke mek me fran- 
 tiquel" 
 
 Says pestiferous, small San Domingo, 
 ^^I make a da warfare, by jingo ! 
 
 And da's-a all right; 
 
 But I mus' be polite 
 To da malo American gringo." 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 41 
 
 Says wise Uncle Sam, ^Wa-al, I figgers 
 That my issue ain't Russia or niggers; 
 
 But I will, and I shall. 
 
 Make that gol-darned canal, 
 So I'll turn all my bay-nets to diggers." 
 
 ^'This gloomy young man from Squedunk 
 Is burning his clothes in a trunk; 
 You can see, if you try, 
 That there's blood in his eye — 
 He sat down in the woods on a — mephitis 
 Americana. 
 
 /There was a young husband named 
 "^^ Dwightly, 
 
 Whose wife flirted morn, noon and 
 nightly; 
 He murmured, ^^Dear, dear! 
 I would fain interfere, 
 If I knew how to do it politely." 
 
 The actress who got one bouquet 
 Was mad as a hatter, they suet, 
 
 Her order was seven. 
 And the florist had gotten his puet. 
 
 There was a grass widow named Totten, 
 Who stuck to divorces like cotton ; 
 
 When they asked, ^^Who is he?" 
 
 She answered, ^Search me — 
 He's a husband, perhaps, I've forgotten!" 
 
42 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 She was a maid from Kalamazoo, 
 Charming and young and witty, too, 
 
 And wealthy, it was said; 
 And yet, for all she was so fair, 
 And traveled widely here and there, 
 
 She had never a chance to wed. 
 
 For when men heard the awful name 
 Of the Michigan town from which she 
 came. 
 
 They always ceased to woo; 
 For each one said it would hurt his pride 
 To tell his friends he'd sought for a bride, 
 
 A girl from Kalamazoo. 
 
 A conceited young man at Cape Nome 
 Composed a most wonderful pome; 
 
 For feet and for metre 
 
 He said, ^'You can't betre 
 With any gas company home.'^ 
 
 A soldier who lived at Irkutsh 
 Was fat and a coward to bootsk, 
 
 When he went out to fight 
 
 At the first bloody sight 
 He'd hunt for a good chance ter scootsk. 
 
 A pirate who hailed from Nertskinskif 
 Became so exceedingly thinskif 
 That while cleaning his gun. 
 When the day's fight was done. 
 He looked down the bore and fell inskif. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 43 
 
 He had worn a colored blazer on the Nile, 
 He had sported spats in Persia, just for 
 style ; 
 With a necktie quite too utter, 
 In the streets of old Calcutta, 
 He had stirred up quite a flutter for a 
 while. 
 
 The maids of Java thronged before his 
 
 door. 
 Attracted by the trousers that he wore! 
 And his vest — a bosom-venter — 
 Shook Formosa to its centre. 
 And they hailed him as a mentor by the 
 score. 
 
 On his own ground as a ^^masher" on the 
 
 street. 
 He outdid a Turkish Pasha, who stood 
 treat; 
 He gave Shanghai the jumps. 
 And their cheeks stuck out like humps, 
 At the patent-leather pumps upon his feet. 
 
 But he called upon a 'Peka girl one night, 
 
 With a necktie ready-made, which wasn't 
 
 right! 
 
 And she looked at him, this maid did. 
 
 And he faded, and he faded. 
 
 And he faded, and he faded out of sight! 
 
 ( 
 
44 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was a young maid of Passaic, 
 Who with coughs was each night kept 
 awa-ic, 
 
 Till the doctor for fee 
 
 Prescribed a troche, 
 And she now snores in measure trochaic. 
 
 A wise man exploring the Nile 
 Said, 'The Sphinx is no doubt all the 
 style, 
 
 But yonder there be 
 
 Other ruins, I see. 
 And I'll peer-amid those for awhile. 
 
 There once was a lonesome lorn spinster, 
 And luck had for years been ag'inst 'er; 
 . When a man came to burgle. 
 
 She shrieked with a gurgle, 
 *'Stop, thief, while I call in a min'ster!" 
 
 I take this piece of plumbago 
 To tell you I have the lumbago ; 
 I shall hie me away 
 For a week and a day. 
 For I feel like a very bum Dago. 
 
 There once was a husky young Mr., 
 
 Who hugged hard each girl as he kr. ; 
 
 And he kissed with such glee 
 
 That his girl exclaimed, ''See! 
 
 Your lips, upon mine, raised a blr.^' 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 45 
 
 A charming young belle of the Sioux 
 Stooped over to lace up her shioux, 
 But she said as she laced, 
 ^'I must have these replaced, 
 For I see they no longer will dioux." 
 
 Said a youth, as the sleigh-bells did jingle, 
 ^'A\\ the blood in my veins is a-tingle, 
 
 When I think that for me 
 
 You my fair bridle be," 
 But she said, ^^I remain, dear sur-cingle!'^ 
 
 Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran 
 Fell in love w^ith Maria McCann, 
 With a yell and a whoop 
 He cleared the front stoop 
 Just ahead of her papa's brogan. 
 
 The chic Mrs. Nottingham-Corso 
 
 Had her ball gown cut low, only more so! 
 
 When she asked, ^^How's the dress?" 
 
 Her husband said, ^^Bess, 
 Don't you think you'll catch cold in your 
 torso?" 
 
 There's a light in the window for me 
 
 To enable my eyes to see 
 
 That the other fellow's got there ahead. 
 And I'd better go home to my folding 
 bed. 
 
 For the evening is cold for three, 
 
46 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was a young man of Antigua, 
 Whose friends all exclaimed, ^ Why, how- 
 bigua, 
 You would get awful rich 
 If you'd advertise which 
 Health food caused that change in your 
 figua." 
 
 There was a young man in Podunk, 
 Who once tried to capture a skunk; 
 
 The skunk got away. 
 
 And that young man to-day 
 Has his clothes camphored up in a trunk. 
 
 A naughty young maid of Des Moines 
 On a trapeze in midair did toins, 
 Till one night, ofif she fell 
 And went straightway to— well, 
 No matter 'bout others' concoins. 
 
 A gallant young man of Duquesne 
 Went home with a girl in the ruesne; 
 
 She said, w^ith a sigh, 
 
 ^^I wonder when Igh 
 Shall see such a rain-beau aguesne." 
 
 A certain young maiden named Emma 
 
 Was seized with a horrible tremma, 
 
 She swallowed a spider, 
 
 Which stung her inside her — 
 
 Oh, my! what an awful dilemma, 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 47 
 
 A certain young gallant named Robbie 
 Rode his steed back and forth in the 
 lobby; 
 When they told him, "Indoors 
 Is no place for a horse,'' 
 He replied, "Well, you see, it's my 
 hobby." 
 
 A young lady sings in our choir, 
 
 Whose hair is the color of phoir, 
 
 But her charms are unique, 
 
 She has such a fair chique, 
 
 It is really a joy to be nhoir. 
 
 I dreamed that I dwelt in marble halls, 
 With vassals bedecked in gold. 
 
 And those halls I walked 
 
 With twins that squawked, 
 And maybe my feet weren't cold. 
 
 There was a young wife of Antigua, 
 Who said to her spouse, "What a pig you 
 are!" 
 
 He said, "Oh, my queen! 
 
 Is it manners you mean. 
 Or do you refer to my fig-u-a?'^ 
 
 There was a young person named Willy 
 Whose actions were what you'd call silly; 
 
 He went to a ball, 
 
 Dressed in nothing at all, 
 Pretending to represent Chili, 
 
48 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was a young man of Killarney, 
 Who was chock full of what is called 
 blarney; 
 He would sit on a stile 
 And tell lies by the mile 
 Would this dreadful young man of Kil- 
 larney. 
 
 A certain young woman named Hannah 
 Slipped down on a piece of banana, 
 
 She shrieked and oh, my'd, 
 
 And more stars she spied 
 Than belong to the star-spangled banner. 
 
 A gentleman sprang to assist her, 
 
 And picked up her muff and her wrister. 
 
 ^^Did you fall, ma'am?" he cried. 
 
 ^^Do you think," she replied, 
 ^^I sat down for the fun of it, mister?" 
 
 Said a chap in an ofif-handed way, 
 To a damsel coquettish and gay, 
 
 ^^I wonder if I 
 
 Had the heart to apply 
 For a kiss, would I get it or nay?" 
 
 Then the maiden with cunning replied, 
 ^^Such requests should be always denied; 
 
 It is safer and best 
 
 To defer your request. 
 At least until after ypuVe tried,'- 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 49 
 
 Dickery, dickery, dock, 
 The mouse ran up the clock 
 
 On Mabel's hose, 
 
 To seek repose 
 Beneath the cyclist's frock. 
 
 Dickery, dickery, dare. 
 
 He found some bloomers there; 
 
 But nary gown. 
 
 So he came down, 
 Dickery, dickery, dare! 
 
 In a rainstorm a girl of renown 
 
 Insisted on going dow^ntown. 
 But the umbrella's leaks 
 Wet the bloom on her cheeks, 
 
 And it dropped down and ruined her 
 gown. 
 
 As we've seen the young girl was no saint, 
 And she lodged a most mighty complaint; 
 
 She raved and she swore , 
 
 At the man in the store 
 For not selling her waterproof paint. 
 
 There was a young girl of Madrid, 
 Whose bike went amiss on the skid, 
 The bike it was broken, 
 And words they were spoken, 
 I'm sorry she did, but she did! 
 
50 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A young man, whose first name was Geo., 
 Once ventured his pa's check to feo. ; 
 
 But they quickly found out 
 
 What this youth was about. 
 And compelled him at once to disgeo. 
 
 Now Geo. had a brother named Jno., 
 And though all his money was gno., 
 
 Just as honest was he 
 
 As a man could well be. 
 So he put his wife's jewels in pno. 
 
 There wanst was two cats at Kilkenny, 
 Each thought there was one cat too many, 
 
 So they quarrell'd and fit. 
 
 They scratched and they bit, 
 
 Till, excepting their nails 
 
 And the tips of their tails. 
 Instead of two cats, there weren't any. 
 
 There was a young maid of Manilla, 
 Whose favorite cream was vanilla. 
 
 But sad to relate, 
 
 Though you piled up her plate, 
 'Twas impossible ever to fill her. 
 
 A certain old maid of Cohoes, 
 
 In despair, taught her bird to propose; 
 
 But the parrot, dejected. 
 
 At being accepted. 
 Shrieked words too profane to disclose. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 51 
 
 A man owned a cow in Nantucket, 
 She knew a square meal when she struck 
 it. 
 One night she broke in 
 To the oats — cleaned the bin, 
 And the next day this cow kicked the 
 bucket. 
 
 *^My beauty," said Chesterfield Lance, 
 ^'This Haymarket coat, will enhance/' 
 But jhis pride took a fall, 
 When he heard a kid brawl, 
 ^'Get on to the lady in pants." 
 
 There was an old man with a skewer 
 Who hunted a hostile reviewer, 
 ^^I'll teach him,' he cried, 
 ^ When I've punctured his hide. 
 To call my last novel impure." 
 
 Once did Sir Jim, in armor tin, 
 Take tea with Lady Bowsers. 
 With manner free 
 She split some tea 
 And rusted Jim's best trousers. 
 
 There was a fair Philippine maid 
 
 Who walked in the streets unarrayed. 
 
 When asked why she did it 
 
 She replied: I should fidget 
 
 If dressed, for my best frock is frayed.'^ 
 
52 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 An eccentric old man of Cohoes 
 Always bought ^^Children's size" suits of 
 clothes ; 
 ^^I can never decide 
 When I'll need them," he cried, 
 ^^Second childhood comes quick — good- 
 ness knows." 
 
 From Paris Maude ordered her bonnet, 
 'Twas a ^^poem," ^^creation," a ^'sonnet," 
 
 But the sight of the bill 
 
 Made her dear father ill, 
 And as for the rampage — he's on it. 
 
 There once was a 'cal fellow, 
 Who grew .ically mellov/ ; 
 
 With a — he was gone 
 
 To the town of : 
 To write for a sheet that was yellow. 
 
 Her etamine skirt was a winner 
 Till a billy-goat ate it — the sinner — 
 Then he said, with a grunt, 
 '' 'Twas a pretty tough stunt. 
 And I feel like I'd etamine dinner." 
 
 There was a young Theolog. Rev., 
 Who preached till it seemed he could 
 Nev. 
 
 His hearers thought thus. 
 
 There resulted a fuss — 
 Now a pillow's attached to her Neth. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 53 
 
 *When you are hungry," the fool crank 
 said, 
 'The best thing to eat is an apple." 
 The Philadelphian laughed in glee; 
 'Tve something better than that," 
 said he, 
 As he went on eating his scrapple. 
 
 There was a young girl named O'Dell, 
 Who, while walking down Chestnut 
 Street fell. 
 
 She got up with a bound, 
 
 And looked all around. 
 And said in a deep voice, '^Oh, H — 1!" 
 
 A messenger boy named Mercurius, 
 One day earned a dime that was spurious. 
 
 He turned that one in, 
 
 Spent the other for gin. 
 And made his pa, Jupiter, furious. 
 
 There was a young girl from New York, 
 Whose ancestors all came from Cork, 
 
 Who possessed an idea 
 
 That in order to be queer 
 She had to eat soup with a fork. 
 
 He fell in love with a dairy maid, 
 
 Alas! for Cupid's blindness! 
 He found that she had, for such as he, 
 Not a bit of what, is said to be, 
 The milk of human kindness. 
 
54 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A belligerent wren once wattacked an old 
 when- — 
 By wrage and wresentment win- 
 duced — 
 But the wrow wasn't wlong, 
 For the wren, wyoung and wstrong, 
 Wrushed the wrathful old when off the 
 wroost 
 
 A certain young lady at Golden 
 Once sought her best beau to embolden 
 By observing, '^Don't you 
 Think one chair's 'nufif for two?" 
 And now, when he calls, she is holden. 
 
 There was a young Chink from Pekin, 
 iWho tried to talk English like sin, 
 
 For whenever an ^^r" 
 
 His progress v/ould jar 
 He pronounced it like — ell, as in Lynn. 
 
 A certain young man of great gumption, 
 'Mongst cannibals had the presumption 
 
 To go — but, alack! 
 
 He never came back. 
 They say 'twas a case of consumption. 
 
 When Mrs. Lattimer had twins 
 Papa cried, ^Thilopena!" 
 
 And one was plump 
 
 And one was thin. 
 Could anything be meaner? 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 55 
 
 Young Mrs. Hubbard went to the cup- 
 board 
 To get her pug dog some f romage de brie. 
 
 But none found she there, 
 
 Her husband — the bear! 
 Had eaten it all with his dinner — you see. 
 
 ■--Puck, 
 
 This did not feaze Pa Lattimer, 
 There never was a keener, 
 
 He named the fat one 
 
 ^Tatima," 
 And called the lean one "Lena.'' 
 
 An ambitious, and young. Ph. D., 
 Got a bid, one day, to a T, 
 
 At the Y. M. C. A. 
 
 And he felt like a J, 
 On forgetting to R. S. V. P. 
 
 She asked him for his autograph, . 
 
 A famous man was he; 
 But she was his wife, and she wanted it 
 On a check, for a sum that was lib'ral 
 writ. 
 
 So he didn't feel honored, you see. 
 
 There was a bold Briton named Pain, 
 Who said, "I will cross the wide main; 
 
 Too damp here," he cried; 
 
 "So good-by to King Ned, 
 I will leave and get out of the reign.'' 
 
56 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 'Tis strange how new newspapers honor 
 The creature that's called prima donna; 
 
 They say not a thing 
 
 Of how she can sing, 
 But talk of the clothes she has on her. 
 
 — Eugene Field. 
 
 Her golden hair looked well in a ^^rat/' 
 And other girls were envious at that, 
 
 Until one windy day 
 
 Her hat sailed away. 
 And her golden hair sailed away with the 
 hat. 
 
 There was a young lady named Maud, 
 Who at meals was a terrible fraud, 
 
 She never was able 
 
 To eat at the table. 
 But — out in the pantry — oh. Lord! 
 
 I know a sweet girl who's called Maude, 
 Of her papa Fm very much awed, 
 
 I'd ask his consent. 
 
 But I think if I went 
 He'd kick till I hollered, ^^Oh, Lawd!" 
 
 A newspaper man on the Isthmus 
 Said, ^^Colonel, now what about thisth- 
 mus?" 
 
 The Colonel said, ^Write 
 
 That it looks like a fite, 
 But I think 'twill be over by Christhmus." 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 57 
 
 There once was a bull dog named Caesar, 
 Saw a cat and thought he would taesar, 
 But the cat was too fly, 
 And she scratched out an eye, 
 Now Caesar just sees her and flaesar. 
 
 In the wild West there lived a young 
 
 Sioux, 
 Who made quite a brilliant debioux 
 
 In highest society, 
 
 With all due propriety. 
 Just as every sweet maiden should dioux. 
 
 A dashing young fellow named Day, 
 Prints the solid Muldoon at Ourray, 
 
 When folks pay their back dues 
 
 He's as mild as you choose. 
 When they don't, there's the devil to pay. 
 
 — Eugene Field. 
 
 Her appearance was somewhat unique. 
 And the language that maiden could 
 spique, 
 
 Was truly refined. 
 
 But a little inclined 
 To be terse, like the Latin or Grique. 
 
 Never once was her young mind opaque 
 Whether she was asleep or awaque, 
 
 For, at quick repartee. 
 
 Either night or by dee. 
 She was ready to give and to take. 
 
58 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Softest eyes had she, like a gazelle, 
 And her sweet voice was not like the yelle 
 Of the wild Indians whioux 
 Had reared that young Sioux, 
 And had taught her to write, read and 
 spelle. 
 
 I ate cake, and Salina ate jelly, 
 
 Salina went home with a pain in her 
 
 Now don't be excited. 
 
 And don't be misled, 
 Salina went home with a pain in her head I 
 
 In Leadville a certain girl's bonnet 
 Has four yards of ostrich plumes on it, 
 
 While her sister, poor thing, 
 
 Wears a red rooster wing, 
 And that is the cause of this sonnet. 
 
 — Eugene Field, 
 
 There was a young maiden of Gloucester, 
 Who loved in the sea, to disport her, 
 
 She sat on a nail, 
 
 Then turned very pale. 
 And jumped backward into the water. 
 
 There was a young fellow named Tape 
 Who always wore trousers of crape. 
 When asked if they'd tear. 
 He replied, ^^Here and there, 
 But they hold such an elegant shape," 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 59 
 
 There was a sculptor named Phidias, 
 Whose statues were perfectly hideous, 
 
 He made Aphrodite 
 
 Without any nightie, 
 And shocked the ultra-fastidious. 
 
 Now when Aphrodite by Phidias 
 Had shocked the ultra-fastidious, 
 Then all the old aunties 
 Swore she must wear panties, 
 Which made her look perfectly hideous. 
 
 And if all the old aunties will squeal-o 
 Because statues don't wear a great deal-o. 
 
 Then for heaven's sake ask 
 
 That a loose-fitting basque 
 Be made for the Venus de Milo I 
 
 There was a young lady named Perkins, 
 Who was exceedingly fond of green ger- 
 kins ; 
 
 She ate a whole quart, 
 
 Which was more than she ought, 
 For it pickled her internal workin's. 
 
 A dashing young cowboy named Gus, 
 Got involved in a serious muss 
 With a party named Berripger, 
 And drawing his derringer 
 He tapped him for laudable pus. 
 
 — Eugene Field. 
 
6o LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was a young lady narried Anna, 
 Who sang in the choir — high soprano. 
 Once she slipped — going out, 
 Which made the gentlemen shout, 
 "We have heard, and now see your Hos- 
 annah." 
 
 There was a young lady of Joppa, 
 Who came a society cropper, 
 She went to Ostend 
 With a gentleman friend. 
 And the rest of the story's improper. 
 
 Willie, in the best of sashes. 
 
 Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes, 
 
 By and by 
 
 The air grew chilly, 
 But no one cared to poke up Willy. 
 
 A young man whose fad was pajamas, 
 Wore a suit made of wool from the 
 llamas. 
 
 The unmanly effect 
 
 Made people suspect. 
 That the outfit was really his mama's. 
 
 There was a young man from Connecticut 
 Who never had seen a girl's petticoat. 
 
 So when one met his eye. 
 
 He thought he should die, 
 He blushed and you may "bet he cut." 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 6i 
 
 There is a clam-digger in Pelham, 
 Who digs clams in purpose to sell 'em. 
 
 People ask, ^^Are they nice?" 
 
 And, 'What is the price?" 
 But they never can get him to tell 'em. 
 
 A young woman of New Rochelle, 
 Went round the streets ringing a bell, 
 When asked why she rang it. 
 She said, 'Why, goU dang it, 
 Can't you see that I've got things to sell?'^ 
 
 There was a young maiden of Michigan, 
 To meet her, I never would wish again. 
 
 She gobbled ice-cream. 
 
 Till with pain she would scream, 
 Then called for a whole dish again. 
 
 Said Moses to Aaron, down by the dark 
 
 blue sea, 
 The ladies here disport themselves in 
 
 scanty drapery. 
 They dive into the deep blue waves and 
 
 balance on their toeses, 
 Of course you wouldn't dare to look, 
 ^To H , I won't," said Moses. 
 
 A sculptor of nymphs and Bacchantes 
 Omitted the coatees and panties, 
 But a kind-hearted Madam, 
 Who knev/ where they had 'em, 
 Donated some warm ''Ypsilanties." 
 
62 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was a young lady named Mabel, 
 Who danced on the dining-room table, 
 But she blushed very red, 
 When the gentlemen said, 
 ''Oh! look at the legs on the table." 
 
 There was a young maiden of Siam, 
 Who said to her lover named Priam, 
 
 ''If you kiss me, of course, 
 
 You'll have to use force. 
 But, goodness knows, you're stronger than 
 I am." 
 
 There was an old maid of Fife, 
 Who had never been kissed in her life, 
 So she saw a large cat. 
 And she said, "I'll kiss that," 
 But the cat said, "Not on your life." 
 
 Solomon and David led very merry lives. 
 And had a most delightful time among 
 
 their many wives. 
 But when at last their blood grew thin, 
 They suffered many qualms. 
 Then Sol, — he wrote the Proverbs — and 
 
 Dave, he wrote the Psalms. 
 
 A Spaniard whose name was Jose, 
 Jad justled to get in jis je; ' 
 
 He took off jis jat 
 
 And jappily sat 
 Upon the fence, crying "Joore!" 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 63 
 
 The beautiful belle of Del Norte, 
 Is reckoned disdainful and horty, 
 Because, during the day. 
 She says, ^^Boys, keep away," 
 But she yawns, in the gloaming, like 
 forty! 
 
 —Eugene Field. 
 
 A lady who lived at Bordeaux, 
 
 Had a corn on her right little teaux; 
 
 She borrowed a razor. 
 
 For her skill we must praise her. 
 For the corn is gone, (so is her teaux). 
 
 'Tis said that Sir Walter Raleigh 
 Fell in love with a maiden named Mol- 
 leigh, 
 
 But he quite lost his mind 
 
 Over all of her kind. 
 Though he really was good at a Jolleigh. 
 
 After wedding a rich heiress. Price 
 Said, "Gambling's a terrible vice, 
 But one thing I know. 
 This watching for dough. 
 Is a thing that's exceedingly nice." 
 
 A farmer once called his cow "Zephyr," 
 She seemed such an amiable heifer. 
 
 When the farmer drew near 
 
 She kicked off his ear. 
 And now he's very much dephyr. 
 
64 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Each evening a good looking Mr. 
 Comes around for to visit my sr. 
 
 One night on the stairs, 
 
 He, all unawares, 
 Put has arm round her figure and kr. 
 
 Sam Short was so fond of Welsh rare-bit 
 That his taste led him into the hare-bit 
 
 Of spending his days 
 
 Near the doors of cafeys. 
 And when he would see one he'd grabe- 
 bit. 
 
 A beautiful young man at Sigauche, 
 Once courted the charming Miss Sauche, 
 
 But when she was wed 
 
 To another, he said, 
 ^^My life is a horrible bauche!" 
 
 — Eugene Field, 
 
 Now what in the world shall we dioux, 
 V/ith the bloody and murdering Sioux, 
 
 Who some time ago. 
 
 Took his arrow and bow. 
 And raised such a hellabelioux? 
 
 — Eugene Field, 
 
 When the ark was just over Genoa 
 Mrs. Noah burst forth at poor Noah, 
 
 'Who's this Joan of Arc? 
 
 You are keeping her dark;" 
 ^'Oh, no, I don't know her," said Noah. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 65 
 
 There was an old gourmet called Lamb 
 Who indulged in a weakness for hamb ; 
 
 When they brought him some bacon, 
 
 He said, ^^You're mistaken, 
 For this stuff, I don't care a — bT' 
 
 Once a Frenchman who'd promptly said 
 
 ^^Oui" 
 To some ladies who'd ask him if houi 
 
 Cared to drink, threw a fit 
 
 Upon finding that it 
 Was a tipple no stronger than toui. 
 
 There once was a mouse that loved cheese, 
 But in vain, as the scent made him sneeze, 
 
 Till he took some cologne 
 
 Well mixed with ozone— 
 And now he says ^^more if you please." 
 
 She sat away down the parquet. 
 
 And the hat she had on was quite guet; 
 
 But a man sat behind her, 
 
 Who called it a blinder 
 And went out and demanded his puet. 
 
 If I should see a Thomas cat 
 
 Eloping with a cow, 
 
 I wouM not check such tender love 
 Because 'twould not be any of 
 , My business anyhow. 
 
66 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A foolish young Rhode Island clam 
 Said: ^'I will now make a salaam.'' 
 
 He started in well 
 
 But forgot he'd a shell — 
 He is now being charged with flimflam. 
 
 A filial youth of Chicawgo 
 
 When advised by his attorneys to law go, 
 
 Said modestly, ^Tshaw! 
 
 I'll stay home with maw 
 And make paw go." 
 
 There once was a wary prof, 
 Who captured a youthful trans. 
 He said, ^^Son, don't lie — 
 Aren't you stealing a pie?" 
 But the lad said, ^^I'm not a conf." 
 
 There was an old maid from Duquesne 
 Who the rigor of mortis did f uesne ; 
 
 She came to with a shout. 
 
 Saying: ^Tlease let me out; 
 This coffin will drive me insuesne." 
 
 A maiden at gay Narragansett 
 Fain would two-step, but couldn't quite 
 dansett; 
 But with feet full of joy, 
 By the side of her boy, 
 She determined to break loose and 
 chansett. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 67 
 
 There was a young girl in the choir 
 Whose voice rose hoir and hoir, 
 
 Till it reached such a height 
 
 It was clear out of sight, 
 And they found it next day in the spoir. 
 
 A fool girl of Paris named Jane 
 Once threw herself into the Seine. 
 
 She was off in her head, 
 
 The fisherman said 
 Who found her. He found her in Seine. 
 
 There was a young fellow from Me., 
 Who courted a maid, but in ve. ; 
 
 For she kicked when he kister 
 
 And hollered for sister, 
 And dared him to do it age. 
 
 The animals down at the Zoo 
 They didn't know just what to do, 
 Said the tiger: ^'Methinks 
 That a golf game, by jinks, 
 Is really the thing." 
 Then they laid out the lynx. 
 
 A dentist who lives in Duluth 
 Has wedded a widow named Ruth, 
 Who is so sentimental 
 Concerning things dental 
 She calls her dear Second her Twoth, 
 
68 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A lovelorn young man of Ky. 
 
 Was saying sweet things to his dy. 
 When her pa hove in sight 
 The young fellow took flight 
 
 And deemed his escape to be ly. 
 
 A very sad play called ^^East Lynne," 
 
 A mixture of virtue and synne; 
 Big crowds, black and white, 
 Packed the house every night — 
 
 In fact, they could hardly get ynne. 
 
 A nobby young man of Duquesne 
 Wore rubbers when there was no ruesne. 
 
 He said: ^^It is wet 
 
 In old London, you bet.'' 
 Good gracious! The young man was 
 vuesne. 
 
 A bashful young fellow from Md., 
 Remarked to a fair one: ^^Oh, Dd., 
 
 A kiss on your brow?" 
 
 Well, he did, anyhow, 
 And he vowed 'twas a rare bit from Fd. 
 
 There was an old monk of Siberia 
 Whose life it grew drearier and drearier. 
 
 Till he broke from his cell 
 
 With a hell of a yell 
 And eloped with the Mother Superior. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 69 
 
 A vessel has sailed from Chicago 
 With barrels of pork for a cargo; 
 
 For Boston she's bound, 
 
 Preceded, I've found, 
 [By another with beans from near Fargo. 
 
 There was a young man in Decatur 
 Whose head wasn't as big as a 'tatur. 
 
 His feet were not small. 
 
 And he had lots of gall. 
 But he hadn't the brains of a tomatur. 
 
 A canner, exceedingly canny, 
 
 One morning remarked to his granny: 
 
 ^'A canner can can 
 
 Anything that he can. 
 But a canner can't can a can, can he?" 
 
 There was a young girl of N. Y., 
 She was greatly addicted T. T. 
 
 Her husband, of course. 
 
 Soon got a divorce. 
 And said to her: ''Now then, Y. W." 
 
 Of a sudden the great prima donna 
 Cried ''Heavens, my voice is a goner!" 
 But a cat in the wings 
 Cried, "I know how she sings," 
 And finished the solo with honor. 
 
70 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A youth once lived way out in Kansas, 
 Who could dance fifty different dances; 
 He'd of coats full three score, 
 And he'd white vests galore, 
 And he owned ninety-nine pairs of 
 pantses. 
 
 There was once a maiden in Fla., 
 Who had no fall hat, so she ba.. 
 
 Little old bonnet, 
 
 Men doted uponnet, 
 But the girls said she couldn't look ha. 
 
 A soubrette who had made a fiasco, 
 In despair drank a pint of tobasco, 
 Soon the hair on her head, 
 Turned from yellow to red, 
 And she then got a job from Belasco. 
 
 An artist who frescoes a ceiling, 
 Remarked, with an air of much feeling, 
 
 ^The lady is Eve, 
 
 And I'd have you believe, 
 'Xis an apple she seems to be peeling." 
 
 There was a young man named Pete, 
 Who thought he was very discreet. 
 Till he met a sweet girl. 
 Now his brain's in a whirl, 
 And he can't tell his head from his feet. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 71 
 
 There was a young Welchman of Mawd- 
 
 dwy, 
 Who was puzzled to ascertain hawddwy, 
 
 English word ^^yacht," 
 
 Could rhyme rightly with ^^knot," 
 So he studied the poems of Sawddwy. 
 
 A miss was once kissed on her wrist, 
 Where no miss cares to be kissed; 
 
 Said the kissed to the kisser, 
 
 ^^View now my sad visor 
 And take back that kiss, I insist." 
 
 ^^I should think you could see that you're 
 here. 
 
 And you'll alv>^ays remain here, I fear, 
 For it matters not where 
 You may go, when you're there. 
 
 You'll say to yourself, ^I am here.' " 
 
 You see, they stole each other's hearts, 
 So now they're man and wife; 
 Sad punishment for common theft, 
 Both of their liberty bereft, 
 In wedlock's chains for life. 
 
 The lady leaned from her lattice, 
 Toward the lovelorn knight below, 
 '^Is that you, Fred?" she shyly said; 
 But, answering not, he turned and 
 fled. 
 For alas! his name was Joe, 
 
72 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 In New Orleans there lived a young Cre- 
 ole, 
 iWho, when asked if her hair were all re- 
 ole, 
 Replied, with a shrug, 
 ^^Just give it a tug, 
 [A.'nd judge by the way that I squeole.'' 
 
 There was a young lady of Norway, 
 Who casually sat in a doorway! 
 When the door squeezed her flat, 
 She exclaimed, 'What of that?" 
 This courageous young lady of Norway. 
 
 A Spanish grandee of Havana, 
 Who stepped on a bit of banana, 
 Came down in the mud 
 With a dull, sickening thud. 
 While the band played, ''The Star- 
 Spangled Banner." 
 
 You've seen an accomplished modiste, 
 By the aid of Pointe and batiste. 
 
 Full flare, gores, shirring a-plenty 
 
 Make 39 look just like 20, 
 Oh, isn't she a useful artiste? 
 
 An amusing young person from Butte, 
 Who wouldn't, or couldn't be mutte. 
 Persistently sputtered 
 And stuttered and muttered 
 Till everyone else followed sutte. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 73 
 
 A freckled young damsel named Clarar 
 Much wished to grow fairer fairer; 
 
 So she tried cream of tartar, 
 
 With faith of a marytr, 
 And her freckles grew rarer and rarer. 
 
 Short is the story 
 
 Of Jimmy Gonetoglory. 
 
 Found a stick of dynamite, then 
 You couldn't see 'im ; 
 Friends, though feeling tough, 
 Searched till they'd enough 
 To hold an interesting little 
 P. M. in the P. M. 
 
 There was a young lady of Olney, 
 Who went for a ride in a polney, 
 
 But alas! and alack! 
 
 She fell off his back, 
 In a place that was muddy and stolney. 
 
 There was a cross chappie called Charlie, 
 Whose temper was knotted and gnarly; 
 
 He'd say, ^Wake me at eight;" 
 
 But would sleep on till late, 
 Then wake up all snappy and snarly. 
 
 He courted a gem of a girl, 
 
 And told her that she was his pearl; 
 
 But when they were married, 
 
 Her ma came and tarried. 
 Though he didn't like mother of pearl. 
 
74 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was a young maid from Ky., 
 Whom the other girls thought very ly., 
 
 As suitors galore 
 
 Were turned from the door, 
 She would cry, ^^Nothing doing, my dy.!'^ 
 
 She's attended by numbers of beaux, 
 When down to the seashore she geaux. 
 
 Though it isn't her face. 
 
 That draws them apace. 
 But the Trilbyesque curves of her teaux. 
 
 The girl on the wheel yelled: ^^Oh, Mr.!" 
 But when a man went to asr. 
 
 She gave him a look 
 
 That his breath away took 
 And would raise on an oak knot a blr. 
 
 We once had a blasphemous parrot, 
 That swore till we just couldn't bear it. 
 
 When we tied up his beak, 
 
 He learned in one week 
 In the deaf and dumb language to swear 
 it. 
 
 There was an old maiden named White, 
 Who slept in pajamas one night, 
 
 As she happened to pass 
 
 Near a large looking-glass. 
 She exclaimed, ^There's a man!" in de- 
 light. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 75 
 
 Whene'er the burlesque actress lets 
 Her photo go with cigarettes 
 
 She asks not pay nor pelf, 
 Because she knows this wise she gets 
 
 Some good puffs for herself. 
 
 There once was a young lady Dr., 
 Who owned a bad parrot that mr., 
 
 He would likewise blaspheme, 
 
 Using language extreme — 
 All of which, so the lady said, shr. .|| 
 
 A man hired by John Smith & Co., 
 Loudly declared that he'd tho. 
 
 Men that he saw, 
 
 Dumping dirt near the store. 
 The drivers, therefore, didn't do. 
 
 There was once a maiden named Choi- 
 
 mondeley. 
 Who every one said was quite Colmonde- 
 ley, 
 Yet the maid was so shy. 
 That when strangers were ny.. 
 She always just stood around dolmonde- 
 ley. 
 
 IVe seen her smile, I've seen her weep, 
 I've called her angel, times a score; 
 
 Now that we've v/ed I've seen her sleep. 
 And, as I've also heard her snore, 
 I ne'er call her angel more. 
 
76 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was a young lady in Lawrence, 
 Whose language came gushing in taw- 
 rence, 
 Till told by her teacher, 
 ^^Your manner, dear creacher, 
 Is more than your scholarship warrence." 
 
 They were waltzing at a bal masque, 
 And he for her heart tried to ask, 
 
 But, behold, 'twas his mother, 
 
 Instead of another. 
 So he never completed his tasque. 
 
 As fewer hairs upon his head 
 
 With the lapse of time, you note. 
 While more hairs to be found, wot yc, 
 Which fluffy long and golden be. 
 Upon the shoulder of his coat? 
 
 Two sailors who worked on a barque. 
 One day went off on a larque. 
 They felt very tough. 
 And blew in their stough. 
 And did not return till 'twas darque. 
 
 A small boy when asked to spell '^yacht," 
 Most saucily said, ^'I will nacht-" 
 
 So his teacher in wrath. 
 
 Took a section of lath. 
 And warmed him up well on the ^pacht. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. ^^ 
 
 He had taken of whiskey a drachm, 
 And thought he could lick Uncle Sam; 
 
 But a tip from a cop 
 
 Caused his courage to drop, 
 And he lurched away meek as a lachm. 
 
 A baby in Kalamazoo 
 
 Remarked quite distinctly, ^^Goo-goo." 
 
 'Twas explained by his ma, 
 
 And likewise his pa, 
 That he meant to say, ^^How do you do?" 
 
 There was a young fellow in Ga., 
 Who remarked to a check, ^^I will Fa.!" 
 
 And the judge gave him ten 
 
 In the commonwealth's pen, 
 ^Where," he said, ^^they will lodge you 
 and ba." 
 
 Miss Freckle has got a new beau. 
 She tells me his front name is Jeau; 
 
 That he lives in St. Paul, 
 
 And that late in the faul, 
 To the wild, woolly West she will geau. 
 
 When married they'll take a chateau, 
 And keep twenty servants or seaii. 
 Just as down in Ky., 
 Where folks who are ly., 
 Of wealth make a glittering sheau. 
 
78 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was a watchmaker named Quick, 
 And he thought he was awfully slick, 
 
 But he couldn't hold out, 
 
 He went up the spout, 
 He tried to do business on tick. 
 
 There was an old salt lived in Gloucester, 
 His wife was a pill yet he houcester. 
 
 One day, they tell me, 
 
 He took her to sea. 
 And over the boat he doucester. 
 
 ^^Beg pardon, your age?" to a Boston 
 
 maid 
 Were the words which the census-man 
 said; 
 Though hot the day. 
 In a cold, freezing way. 
 She gazed on him till he was dead. 
 
 A spinster once fell in a faint. 
 
 While treating her face to fresh paint. 
 
 I said, '^Are you mad? 
 
 Are you glad, sad or bad?" 
 And she rose and replied, ^^No, I ainV* 
 
 There was a young lady of Me., 
 Who was of her beauty quite ve., 
 But a freckle or two 
 Later on came in view, 
 And drove the young lady inse. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 79 
 
 A wondrous faith-healer one day, 
 
 Had to keep all his patients at bay, ;. 
 
 While he hid in his booth, ^j 
 
 With a riotous tooth, 
 Which his faith couldn't stop, strange to' 
 say. 
 
 There once was a gallant knight-errant. 
 Whose lady-love had a stern parent. 
 
 He wore steel shirts and pants, 
 
 And a sword and a lance. 
 But the young folks afraid of him weren^t. 
 
 ^'Will you dream of me, dear one, to- 
 night?" 
 She answered — he heard with a thrill: 
 
 ^^You know I've a habit, 
 
 Of eating Welch rabbit. 
 And it's likely as not that I will." 
 
 The rumpus about women's rights, 
 
 Is but the merest tissue, 
 For woman, like the question which 
 Has roused her to her highest pitch, 
 
 Is only a side issue. 
 
 He learned to play tunes on a comb, 
 And became such a nuisance at homb, 
 
 That m.a spanked him, and then — 
 
 'Will you do it again?" 
 And he cheerfully answered her ^^Nomb." 
 
8o LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 If you're looking for a wife, come to Bos- 
 ton; 
 If you're single, wish to trade, or have 
 divorced one, 
 You will find one there, no doubt, 
 For they're lying all about. 
 Like Whitcomb Riley pumpkins with the 
 frost on. 
 
 There was a young fellow from Lansing, 
 Who was very devoted to dancing; 
 
 He waltzed a girl once, 
 
 She called him a dunce. 
 Because on her toes he kept prancing. 
 
 In a village post-ofBce, Miss Peek 
 Had a job at six plunks per week, 
 
 But she near had a fit, 
 
 And threatened to quit, 
 When a postal came written in Greek. 
 
 A bookworm of Kennebunk, Me., 
 Found pleasure in reading Monte., 
 
 He also liked Poe, 
 
 And Daniel Defoe, 
 But the telephone book caused him pe. 
 
 A maiden of Chattanooga, Tenn., 
 Whose name v/as Miss Bridget D. Henn, 
 
 Was afloat on the tide. 
 
 When she soulf uUy side, 
 ^^I w'd like t' have wan iv thim Menn.^' 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 8i 
 
 The centipede was happy until the toad, 
 in fun, 
 Asked her, ^Which leg comes after 
 
 which?" 
 This worked her mind to such a pitch, 
 She lay distracted in a ditch, 
 Considering how to run. 
 
 There was a young man from St. Cloud, 
 Who played the trombone out aloud. 
 
 He was hit by a brick. 
 
 At the very first lick, 
 But he thanked his detractors and boud. 
 
 A man who was deeply in debt. 
 Said, ^^No matter whatever I gebt^ 
 
 My creditors claim 
 
 A share of the same. 
 Which makes me discouraged, you bebt.'' 
 
 Said a dainty professor of Latin, 
 Who dressed his pet piggie in satin: 
 
 ^^If I teach her to speak 
 
 In Norwegian and Greek, 
 Do you think she'd be easier to fatten?" 
 
 An ancient New Yorker named Pratt, 
 Once went on a terrible batt. 
 
 Whomever he saw. 
 
 He would paste with his paw. 
 And gleefully gurgle, 'Take thatt." 
 
82 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 What a fool a man in love can be! — 
 Even I have been one of those. 
 He has even been known — 
 As in case like my own — 
 To have gone so far as propose. 
 
 A stranger sojourning in Iowa 
 Thought of thirst he was destined to die 
 away; 
 Now he spends all his days 
 Where the soda fountain plays, 
 And has very near winked his left eye 
 away. 
 
 He brought home a fancy lawn-mower, 
 And ran it each morning at 4, 
 
 But the noveltee 
 
 Has worn off, and he 
 Perspires and pushes no mower. 
 
 A fellow who lived on the Rhine 
 Saw a fish that he wanted to dhine, 
 But how to invite him? — 
 ^^Ah," he said, ^^I will write him!'' 
 So he sat down and dropped him a Ihine! 
 
 If the billy goat only would learn 
 To pull spikes, think how much he could 
 earn. 
 
 The railroad would pay 
 
 Him a dollar a day. 
 And he would have money to burn. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 83 
 
 A fellow sojourning in Fla., 
 
 Got his bill from the clerk in the ca., 
 
 And the more things he read, 
 
 The more things he said, 
 And the latter grew torrid and ta. 
 
 As he filled up the order book pp., 
 He said, ^^I should get higher ww." 
 
 So he struck for more pay. 
 
 But, alas, now, they say, 
 He is driving Fifth Avenue stst. 
 
 There was an old gardener of Wymond- 
 
 ham, 
 Who picked his tomatoes and skymond- 
 ham. 
 That isn't the way, 
 To keep them, they say; 
 He ought to have got 'em and trymond- 
 ham. 
 
 There was a famed tanner of Mousehold 
 Who once made no end of a household. 
 
 But they hanged the poor bloke 
 
 To a neighboring oak. 
 And that was the end of the tousehold. 
 
 There was an old man up in Maine, 
 Who stood all one day in the rain. 
 
 Then at home in a strife, 
 
 He was told by his wife, 
 ^' 'Twould be well to go out there again.'' 
 
84 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There were three young women of Birm- 
 ingham, 
 And I know a sad story concerning 'em. 
 They stuck needles and pins, 
 In the right rev' rend shins 
 Of the bishop engaged in confirming 
 'em. 
 
 There's a woman called Madame Tus- 
 saud, 
 
 Slow sewers she shows how to sew; 
 She says, ^^If, So-and-so, 
 You sew so, you'll sew slow, 
 
 [And you'll only sew so-so, Sew so." 
 
 There was an old woman took snuff, 
 iWho said she was happy enough. 
 For she sneezed when she pleased, 
 And was pleased when she sneezed, 
 And that is enough about snufif. 
 
 There was once a finicky prude, 
 Who vowed she detested the nude, 
 
 So chicken and feather 
 
 She ate of together, 
 And said 'twas decorous food. 
 
 There was a young fellov/ in Flint, 
 Who thought he was some on the sprint, 
 But the pa of his girl 
 Gave the young man a whirl, 
 And now he is done up in lint. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 85 
 
 A jolly young lady from Kas., 
 Said, '^O, dear, Maud, what is this that 
 pas." 
 Maud exclaimed, ^^It's a man!" 
 Whereat both the girls ran. 
 Saying, ^^Here's where the villain un- 
 mas." 
 
 A distinguished old one-legged Colonel 
 Once started to edit a jolonel, 
 
 But soon in disgust 
 
 He gave up — he was ^^bust" — 
 ^Tor," said he, ^^the expense's infoloael.'^ 
 
 ^ What will you take my picture for?" 
 Inquired the anxious maid. 
 
 "li it looks like you/' 
 
 Said Little Boy Blue, 
 ''I'll take it for you, I'm afraid." 
 
 They stood beneath the mistletoe, 
 And he — of course, he kissed her, 
 Her sister saw them, grew enraged, 
 (You see the kisser was engaged 
 To wed the kissee's sister). 
 
 A lunatic given to laughter 
 
 iWoke the echoes from floor to raughter; 
 
 That the man was insane 
 
 Was perfectly plain; 
 For no one man could be any daughter. 
 
86 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A damsel extremely petite 
 
 Went to purchase some shoes for her fite, 
 
 The dealer brought eights, 
 
 And the chronicle states, 
 That the maiden's collapse was complite. 
 
 She was wary and wily, 
 
 And kissed him quite slyly. 
 
 Then laughed in a murmur of glee, 
 
 And they say the velocity 
 
 Of his reciprocity 
 
 iWas really refreshing to see. 
 
 There was a young man of Havanner, 
 iWho stepped on a peel of bananner, 
 
 The words that he said 
 
 As he stood on his head, 
 [Wouldn't do for a Sunday-school banner. 
 
 There was a young girl of Milpitas, 
 Who had an attack of bronchitis, 
 
 And she said, ''I shall cough 
 
 My infernal head off. 
 If I don't get out of Milpitas.'' 
 
 There was a young man so benighted, 
 He never knew when he was slighted. 
 
 He went to a party. 
 
 And he ate just as hearty 
 As if he'd been really invited. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 87 
 
 There was a young girl named Molly, 
 
 Who hated to ride on a trolly. 
 She'd say, with a sigh, 
 ^*If the steps weren't so high, 
 
 I'm sure that the troUey'd be jolly.'* 
 
 He ordered a porterhouse steak, 
 Sauerkraut, mince pie and fruit ceak! 
 
 Then sat down to dine, 
 
 Drank three kinds of wine, 
 And retired with a bad stomach-eak. 
 
 There was a young lad of Calcutta, 
 Whenever he spoke he would stutter. 
 
 To his teacher, said he, 
 
 "P-p-lease t-tell me. 
 Is a b-buttress a f-feminine b-butter?/' 
 
 A muscular Turk of Stamboul, 
 Tried to pull out the tail of a mule, 
 
 And the coroner's ju., 
 
 By the body did view. 
 And brought in a verdict ^^damphool." 
 
 A maid who is slightly antique, 
 
 Was grossly insulted last wique. ' 
 
 Her best fellow said, 
 
 ^'It is time we were waid," 
 And now, it is said, they don't spique. 
 
88 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was once a maiden named Rhoda, 
 Who perfectly doted on soda, 
 
 She drank so much fiz, 
 
 Well, it's none of my biz,, 
 But it's a wonder it didn't explode her. 
 
 There was a young man in Calcutter, 
 Who was famed far and wide as a butter, 
 
 He butted right in, 
 
 To the high social din — 
 And they carried him home on a shutter. 
 
 She tried very hard to play euchre, 
 But just thirteen seconds it tuchre 
 To forget what was trump. 
 Her husband hissed ^^Chump," 
 And her fortitude quickly forsuchre. 
 
 There was a small boy named Hugh, 
 Who carefully slipped in the shoe 
 
 Of his pa a large tack. 
 
 And the small boy's back 
 Was afterward red, white and blue. 
 
 A damsel who lived in Paducah 
 Was anxious to dance la cachuca. 
 
 Her hair came unpinned 
 
 And her elbow was skinned, 
 Ere her mother could come to rebuke her. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 89 
 
 A young man who wore a flash sash 
 Went out upon Broadway to mash; 
 He fell into a pud- 
 Die of sticky, black mud, 
 And that settled the flash sash's hash. 
 
 As they sauntered about on the Quays, 
 He ventured her dear hands to squays, 
 
 Nor did she object. 
 
 Because, we expect, 
 'Twas a catch at which no girl might 
 snuays. 
 
 Young Brewster wed Adeline Worcester, 
 But nobody knev>^ what indorcester 
 
 In writing her name 
 
 To spell it the same. 
 And make it read, ^^ Adeline Brorcester.'^ 
 
 Araminta felt very much hurt 
 
 That the neighbors should animadvert — 
 
 For how should they dare? 
 
 It was not their afifair: — 
 On the length of her rainy day skirt. 
 
 A new servant maid named Maria, 
 Had trouble in lighting the fire. 
 
 The wood it was green. 
 
 So she used gasoline. 
 And she's gone where the fuel is dryer. 
 
90 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 The ostrich grabbed the poor music man 
 And swallowed his silver trombone. 
 
 ^^Fm sorry," said he, 
 
 ^^But, then, sir, you see. 
 My stomach is needing a tone." ' 
 
 He cried as they stood at the garden gate, 
 
 *^Oh, give me a kiss, my own, my fate;" 
 
 Just then, as her father came that way, 
 
 The lover got something beginning 
 
 with"K," 
 But it wasn't a kiss, I'm sorry to say. 
 
 A noble red man of the Sioux 
 Drank of firewater glasses a fioux 
 
 He let out one wild yell. 
 
 Then collapsed in a cell. 
 Thirty days is the time he will dioux. 
 
 A jester who had a toothache. 
 To a dentist's his way did be-tache, 
 
 But nought could assuage 
 
 His grief and his ruage. 
 When the wrong tooth was pulled by mis- 
 tache. 
 
 You've probably heard many times 
 
 Of the woman whose parrot sang chimes; 
 
 Her name was Miss Barrett, 
 
 She hadn't a parrot. 
 But we say that she had 'cause it rhymes. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 91 
 
 There was a young heiress called Rooker, 
 And a lawyer called Luke, tried to ^^hook" 
 her, 
 But the heiress was shrewd, 
 Though her question w^as rude, 
 ^'Do you look at my looks, Luke, or 
 lucre?" 
 
 A poet swore several curses, 
 
 ^Tor empty," he said, ^^my purse is. 
 
 My poems, alack! 
 
 Ne'er fail to come back. 
 And my verses are always reverses." 
 
 To write a good modern hymn. 
 
 He struggled and scribbled with vymn, 
 
 But he put not a bit. 
 
 Of ragtime in it. 
 And so its success was but slymn. 
 
 A maiden caught stealing a dahlia. 
 Said, ^^Oh, you shan't tell on me, shalia?'' 
 
 But the florist was hot, 
 
 And he said, ^^Like as not 
 They'll send you to jail, you bad gahlia." 
 
 A noble young Roman named Caesar 
 Once called on a maid — tried to squesar. 
 
 But the girl, with a blush, 
 
 Said the Latin for ^^Tush, 
 You horrid young thing! let me baesar." 
 
92 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Whatever I do, wherever I go, 
 
 I am filled with woe, alack! 
 A moment's pleasure did I know, 
 
 But I'm sunburned now from head to 
 toe, 
 On my arms and legs and back. 
 
 A young lady in crossing the ocean 
 Grew ill from the ship's dizzy mocean, 
 
 She said, with a sigh. 
 
 And a tear in her eigh, 
 ^^Of living, I've no longer a nocean." 
 
 There was a young lady of Gloucester, 
 Who married a fellow named Foucester, 
 
 iBut returned to her ma. 
 
 And her brother and pa. 
 Because the man hectored and boucester. 
 
 There was a young fellow of Lee, 
 Who went for a swim in the sea ; 
 
 On a rock (so he said) 
 
 He met a mer-maid. 
 Who offered him afternoon tea. 
 
 He said he'd be always her dr.. 
 
 For she gave him a smile when he mr. 
 
 But she bade him be calm. 
 
 And stop being a clam, 
 For his ardent attentions upsr. 
 
 1 
 
 i 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 93 
 
 There was a young lawyer named Pique, 
 Who sported a prominent bique, 
 
 An angry old client 
 
 Grew very defiant, 
 And gave his proboscis a twique. 
 
 When asked to state who wrote ^'Love 
 
 and Laughter," 
 Evasively, he said, '^I don't haughter; 
 
 The riddle of the sphinx 
 
 Is an easy mark, methnx, 
 I leave t'other for the great hereaughter." 
 
 A lady who warbled in mezzo. 
 Repined, '^I am always in dezzo, 
 
 My runs and my trills 
 
 Could pay all my bills 
 And would, if I didn't forgezzo.'' 
 
 Consider now the cantaloupe. 
 
 The sight of one fills you with houpe, 
 
 With eager haste, 
 
 You try a taste. 
 And get a flavor like soft soupe. 
 
 I'd rather have fingers than toes; 
 I'd rather have ears than a nose, 
 
 And as for mxy hair 
 
 I'm glad it's all there; 
 I'll be awfully sad when it goes. 
 
94 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 ^he use of predigested foods 
 
 Brings up a vital question, 
 Suppose man's stomach should refuse, 
 All outside help, and henceforth choose 
 
 To do its own digestion? 
 
 There was a young fellow named Cain, 
 Who was wicked like Mary MacLane. 
 
 With the leg of a table. 
 
 He slugged brother Abel, 
 And shouted, ^^Remember the Maine." 
 
 A young lady who lived in Dubuque, 
 By her beau, later on was forsuque; 
 
 But he quickly repented, 
 
 And — well, she relented. 
 So they married and then a flat tuque. 
 
 It seems that old Sir Walter Raleigh 
 Was in love with a maiden named 
 Daleigh; 
 
 He quite lost his head 
 
 Over her, it is said; 
 She was doubtless a real hot tamaleigh. 
 
 There was once a school teacher named 
 
 Beauchamp, 
 And her pupils — didn't she teachamp? 
 
 For when they were bad. 
 
 She made them feel sad 
 If ever she happened to reachamp. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 95 
 
 There was a young lady called Freda, 
 Who was an omnivorous reader. 
 
 Of Dickens and Scott, 
 
 She had read quite a lot; 
 But her favorite author was Ouida. 
 
 Oh, the flying machine some day will fly 
 And through the ether roam. 
 But on its collapse, 
 The horse, perhaps. 
 Will be asked to haul it home. 
 
 A fellow who slaughtered two toucans. 
 Said, ^^I shall put them into two cans." 
 
 Two canners who heard, 
 
 Said, ^Tou'U be a bird, 
 If you can put two toucans in two cans." 
 
 There was a youth named Le Marque, 
 Who called on the comely Miss Clarque* 
 
 She asked him to stay. 
 
 But he answered, ^^Nay, 
 I'm afraid to go home after darque." 
 
 Mr. Bogworthy rented a suite 
 In a building without any huite. 
 
 He lived there for six months. 
 
 But never kicked onths, 
 For a surgeon has cut off his fuite. 
 
96 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was a young man of Alaska, 
 In love with a maid of Nebraska. 
 
 He sat on a hummock 
 
 And rubbed his — chest; 
 '^When the ice is broken, I'll ask her.'' 
 
 A bushman whose name was Umphalia 
 Tried to play Harry Laire in Australia. 
 
 He went to a ball 
 
 But was fired from the hall. 
 Because of his scanty regalia. 
 
 A Turk named Abdullah Ben Sharum 
 Had twenty-four wives in his harem. 
 
 When his Arab steed died, 
 
 ^'Mighty Allah!" he cried, 
 ^'Take some of my wives, I can spare- 
 
 'em." 
 
 A young coon who just knew his biz. 
 
 Tried to kiss an acquaintance of his. 
 Said she, ^^Dat can't be, 
 'Less you's stronger dan me; 
 
 But, Honey, I reckons you is." 
 
 A certain young fellow named Beebee 
 Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe. 
 
 ^^But," said he, '^I must see 
 
 What the clerical fee 
 Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee." 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 97 
 
 This language they call Volapuk 
 Is a very hard language to spuk. 
 It tangles the tongue, 
 And you'll wear out a longue, 
 Before you've at it a wuk. 
 
 A genius who once did aspire 
 To invent an aerial flyer, 
 
 When asked, ^^Does it go?" 
 
 Replied, ^I don't know; 
 I'm a-waiting some damphule to try 'er." 
 
 A maiden whioux lived in Sioux 
 
 On a nioux kind of gum tried to chioux. 
 
 But of lockjaw she died, 
 
 And the coroner cried 
 
 When he brought in his verdict, "A sad 
 suicide!" 
 For that gum was a big hunk of glioux. 
 
 There once was a sporty young Mr., 
 Who said to a girl when he kr., 
 ^ Won't you please be my wife?" 
 She said, ^'Not on your life; 
 The most I can be is your sr." 
 
 When a tramp is given cold victuals, 
 Your kindness he ofttimes belictuals. 
 
 And if asked to work. 
 
 He howls like a Turk 
 And smashes the dishes and kictuals. 
 
98 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A typical young girl from Arkansas 
 Can chaw more tobacco than her ma can 
 chaw. 
 
 She can sling a little ink, 
 
 Take a little drink, 
 And saw more v/ood than her pa can saw. 
 
 The typical young man from Arkansas 
 Is never afraid of his mother-in-law. 
 
 He can stay out all night, 
 
 Take a hand in a fight. 
 And ring in a cold deck on his father-in- 
 law. 
 
 A grass widow who lived in Eau Claire 
 Tried a new-fangled bleach on her haire, 
 
 And in just one night. 
 
 Her hair got so light, 
 That her head next morning was baire. 
 
 *^My state,'^ said a fellow from Md., 
 ^^In winter's a big Tom and Jd., 
 
 In summer the cows 
 
 Contentedly browse — 
 Milk-punches then make it a dd.'^ 
 
 There was a young lady from Dorset, 
 Lit on a match and decided to toss it 
 
 In a cup of benzine; 
 
 And out on the green. 
 They found a side-comb and a corset. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 99 
 
 A cannibal monarch imperial 
 Kept his wives on a diet of cereal, 
 But he didn't much care 
 What the women should wear, 
 Nor did they; it was quite immaterial. 
 
 There once was a foppish old beau, 
 Who said, ^^I find walking too sleau, 
 
 So I prances down the street 
 
 And throw out my feet 
 And trip my fantastical teau." 
 
 iBook I, by the lady from Butte, 
 Being naughty, some folks thought it 
 cutte. 
 
 Book II, being tame, 
 
 D/idn't sell quite the same — 
 Though it bettered the lady's repute. 
 
 There was a young maid from Japan 
 Who married a Hottentot man. 
 
 The girl she was yellow, 
 
 And black was the fellow, 
 And their children were all black and tan. 
 
 There was a poor fellow from Lynn, 
 By accident sat on a pynn, 
 
 He let out a shriek, 
 
 A howl and a squiek. 
 And his language was really a synn, 
 
 LcfC. 
 
100 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 ^^A lady named Rose had a daughter 
 
 Who did things no lady had ought'er. | 
 
 The good folks confessed ^ 
 
 She was none of the best, 
 But I noticed they all of them bought 
 her." 
 
 A Turk by the name of Haroun 
 Ate whiskey by means of a spoon. 
 
 To one who asked why, 
 
 This Turk made reply: 
 ^'To drink is forbidden, you loon/' 
 
 There was a fair maid named Pomona — 
 The first time she ate of bologna 
 
 She said : ^^It is queer, 
 
 But I really fear 
 You must help me remove its kimona." 
 
 A party from Liberty Bluff (Wis.), 
 Who thought he was mighty hot stuff. 
 
 Struck New York for a stay 
 
 Of a week and a day. 
 But he found that a day was enough. 
 
 There was a young lady from Kent, 
 Who always said just what she meant; 
 
 People said, ^'She's a dear; 
 
 So unique — so sincere" — 
 But they shunned her by common con- 
 sent 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. loi 
 
 Her feelings she could not disguise, 
 So when he gazed into her uise 
 
 So bashfully risen, 
 
 He knew she was his'n 
 And kissed her because he was wuise. 
 
 Said the widow, a pretty young Mrs., 
 '^Sir, I really don't know what a krs." 
 Then the bold man, in haste. 
 Put his arm 'round her waist. 
 And exclaimed: ^'My dear madam, thrs." 
 
 An old lady who lived in Columbus, 
 Whose daily amusement was to fuss. 
 
 By divorces and such 
 
 Changed her last name so much 
 That the composite looked like a rebus. 
 
 A junior 'way down in Key West 
 Stole his arm 'round a pretty girl's waist. 
 Then she said: ^^If you please. 
 Give a hard and long squeeze — 
 For we girls all like that sort best." 
 
 There once was a fellow named S-m, 
 A foe to all pretence and sh-m, 
 His language was 1 — se 
 
 And he swore like the d — ce. 
 When angry he always said d — m. 
 
I02 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 When she eyed me askance 
 Was she offended? No; 
 She did not mean it so, 
 When she eyed me askance, 
 For she's cross-eyed, you know. 
 
 The wise man is strong in his wisdom, 
 The foolish man weak in his folly; 
 
 But the high and the low, 
 
 As they come and they go. 
 Are all easy marks for a jolly. 
 
 She's a blonde of the genus peroxide 
 Foolish. If I had her rocks I'd 
 
 Let my hair glint 
 
 With its natural tint, 
 Though 't were that of a frazzled old fox- 
 hide. 
 
 Oh, gas may escape and gas may burst 
 And vanish in noise and flame. 
 
 But the meter's hand, in its quiet way 
 Goes traveling onward day by day, 
 And gets there just the same. 
 
 A youth with the pride of a czar 
 Thought it funny to hector his cpar. 
 Till the old man arose 
 And pummelled his nose, 
 And showed him full many a cstar. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 103 
 
 A feudist who lived in Ky., 
 Said, ^*Yes, I hev been purty ly, 
 
 Fer I've never been hit 
 
 In the back — that is, yit" — 
 Now he's dead — but he surely was ply. 
 
 There was a co-ed from Cayenne 
 Who ate onions, club cheese and senne- 
 senne 
 Till a bad fright one day 
 Took her breath quite away, 
 And we hope she won't find it agenne. 
 
 Said a maid, '^I shall marry for lucre." 
 Then her ma stood right up and shuckre, 
 
 But just the same 
 
 When a chance came 
 The old dame said no word to rebuchre. 
 
 A piccolo player was stoned 
 
 As over his playing he moaned. 
 
 When asked why he played it, 
 
 He smiled as he said it, 
 '^Because it's so very high-toned.f 
 
 A granger who came from Twin Views 
 Sat in with a nice stack of bliews. 
 
 Ere the midnight bell tolled 
 
 His feet grew so cold 
 That he had to stuff hay in his shiews. 
 
104 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Said a gourmand too fond of good 
 
 victuals, 
 ^^How this beastly existence belictuals. 
 
 Don't you think 'twould be fine 
 
 To do nothing but dine? 
 I wish life was all beer and skictuals.'^ 
 
 The wide, expensive panama 
 Which seems to be without a fla 
 
 May be a fake — 
 
 'Tis said they make 
 A lot of them in Arkansa. 
 
 There once was a frolicsome Sioux 
 Whioux didn't know just what tioux 
 dioux. 
 
 So he went for a walk 
 
 With his gay tomahawk 
 And proceeded tioux make the air blioux. 
 
 Miss Hyacinthe Gladys McGee 
 Said somewhat explosively: 'Whee! 
 If the back of my head 
 Were my forehead instead. 
 Just think how unique I should be!" 
 
 ^^He kissed me when he called last week," 
 Said Miss Ann Teek, as o'er her cheek 
 
 The crimson blushes started. 
 ^That's so like Ned," Miss Peppery said; 
 
 ^'He always was kind hearted." 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 105 
 
 The deacon said: ^^Now, we'll sing 
 
 hymns. 
 You ought to rise when you sing, Mrs. 
 Symns." 
 But the sister stayed sot 
 And said: ^^Rise I will not; 
 I can't; I've got cramps in my lymns." 
 
 A tenderfoot went out to Butte 
 And said he knew how to shutte. 
 
 He missed every shot 
 
 And he never forgot 
 The way he received the hoarse hutte. 
 
 A certain young lady named Daisy, 
 Who was most infernally laisy, 
 
 Said : ^'It dizzies my head, . 
 
 To make up the bed, 
 But the way I can waltz sets 'em craisy." 
 
 There was a young man from Mont. 
 Who slipped on a peel of ban. 
 
 He fell on his head 
 
 And what he then said, 
 Was quite the reverse of ^^Hos.'^ 
 
 There's a girl in the city of Sioux — 
 Or, in fact, there are quite a Jfioux 
 
 Who will any night. 
 
 Accept an invight. 
 To get outside a cream soda or tioux. 
 
io6 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A granger one day cashed a cheque 
 On a city bank that was a wreque; 
 
 This new-fangled gold brique 
 Made him so hopelessly sique 
 That he hanged himself by the neque. 
 
 An elephant lay in his bunk, 
 In slumber his chest rose and sunk, 
 He snored and he snored 
 Till the jungle folks roared — 
 Then his wife tied a knot in his trunk. 
 
 There once was a man who lived @ 
 Fifteenth and Spruce in a fl@. 
 But to Camden he moved 
 And the cause of it proved 
 To be his wife's new Easter h@. 
 
 A minister, a man of prayer, 
 
 Who stubbed his toe against a chayer 
 While hunting matches in the dark, 
 Was strangled by the choice remark 
 
 He'd like to say, but didn't dayer. 
 
 ^This chicken soup," Miss Starvem said, 
 ^^I wish, Judge, you would try." 
 
 The judge he took a sip. vSaid he — 
 ^The chicken, ma'am, it seems to me. 
 Has proved an alibi." 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 107 
 
 There was an old man of Lyme, 
 Who married three wives at a time. 
 When asked: ^^Why the third?" 
 He replied: ^^One's absurd, 
 And bigamy, sir, is a crime." 
 
 Burglar Bill, who could break into any 
 
 old house, 
 Gave up at the point of a gun, 
 
 For laden with booty. 
 
 Because of his loot, he 
 Could hardly break into a run. 
 
 There was a young lady named Enus, 
 Who went to a ball dressed as Venus. 
 
 But the guests thought her rude 
 
 To come in the nude, 
 So they brought her a leaf from the 
 greenus. 
 
 A tailor of highest repute 
 
 Made a suit for a suitor of Butte. 
 
 But when donned the suit parted, 
 
 The suitor then started 
 A suit, for the suit didn't suit. 
 
 There was an old sailor of Crete 
 Whose peg legs propelled him quite nete. 
 
 '^Strong liquor," he said, 
 
 '^Never goes to my head. 
 And I know it can't go to my fete." 
 
io8 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 The only silent woman ever known 
 Reclines on Egypt's sultry sands alone; 
 And the Egyptian thinks, 
 As he interviews the sphynx, 
 He'd be happy if his wife were carved of 
 stone. 
 
 A beautiful lassie named Florence 
 Once wept till her tears flowed in tor- 
 rence. 
 When asked why she cried, 
 She sighed and replied, 
 ^'The sheriff's been here with some wor- 
 rence/' 
 
 One day an old maiden from Gloucester 
 Met a gentleman cow, and he toucester. 
 Though she w^asn't much hurt 
 It played hob with her skirt, 
 Oh, think of the anguish that coucester. 
 
 There was a young girl from Westchester 
 Whose fellow stole up and caressed her. 
 ''Come, kiss me!" he cried, 
 But she blushed and denied. 
 And refused to begin till he pressed her. 
 
 There was a small boy of Quebec, 
 Who was buried in snow to his neck; 
 
 When asked: ''Are you friz?" 
 
 He replied: "Yes, I is; 
 But we don't call this cold in Quebec," 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 109 
 
 There was an old man of St. Bees, 
 Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 
 
 When asked: ^'Does it hurt?" 
 
 He replied: ^^No, doesn't. 
 But I thought all the while 'twas a 
 hornet." 
 
 The old Mother Hubbard 
 Lay in the cupboard 
 
 And stifled a dreadful moan. 
 It had gone out of style 
 And for quite a long while 
 
 Its owner had let it alone. 
 
 There was a young man of Typhoo 
 Who wanted to catch the 2.2. 
 
 But his friend said, '^Don't hurry, 
 
 Or worry, or flurry. 
 It's a minute or two to 2.2." 
 
 There was a young man of St. Kitts 
 Who was very much troubled with fits; 
 
 The eclipse of the moon 
 
 Threw him into a swoon 
 When he tumbled and broke into bits. 
 
 There was an old man of Apulia 
 Whose conduct was very peculiar; 
 
 He fed twenty sons 
 
 Upon nothing but buns, 
 That whimsical man of Apulia. 
 
no LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There was an old fellow of Me. 
 (Maine), 
 
 Who was fond of the works of Hall Ce. 
 With a wide, vacant smile. 
 He said: ^They're good style;'' 
 
 Alas! the poor man was inse. 
 
 I am gai, I am poet, I dwell 
 
 Rupert Street, at the fifth; I am swell 
 
 And I sing tralala 
 
 And I love my mamma, 
 And the English, I speaks him quite well. 
 
 There was a young man of Ostend 
 Who vowed he'd hold out to the end, 
 
 But when half way over 
 
 From Calais to Dover, 
 He done what he didn't intend. 
 
 There was a young lady of Lynn 
 Whose waist was so charmingly thin 
 
 The dressmaker needed 
 
 A microscope, she did. 
 To fit this young lady of Lynn. 
 
 A jolly young chemistry tough. 
 While mixing a compounded stuff, 
 
 Dropped a match in the vial. 
 
 And after a while — 
 They found his front teeth and one cuff. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. in 
 
 There's a lady in Kalamazoo 
 Who bites all her oysters in two, 
 
 For she feels a misgiving, 
 
 Should any be living, 
 They'd kick up a hullabaloo. 
 
 There v^as an old lady named Carr 
 Who took the 3.3 to Forfar; 
 
 For she said: ^'I conceive 
 
 It is likely to leave 
 Far before the 4.4 to Forfar." 
 
 There was a young person named Tate 
 
 Who went out to dine at 8-8, 
 But I will not relate 
 What that person named Tate 
 
 And his tete-a-tete ate at 8-8. 
 
 A tutor who tooted the flute 
 
 Tried to teach two young tooters to toot; 
 
 Said the two to the tutor: 
 
 ^^Is it harder to toot, or 
 To tutor two tooters to toot?" 
 
 There was an old man of Tarentum^ 
 Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 
 
 'em. 
 
 When they asked him the cost 
 Of what he had lost. 
 He replied: ^^I can't say, for I rent 'em." 
 
112 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There once was a happy hyena 
 Who played on an old concertina; 
 
 He dressed very well, 
 
 And in his lapel 
 He carelessly stuck a verbena. 
 
 There once was a man from Nantucket 
 Who kept all his cash in a bucket; 
 
 But his daughter named Nan 
 
 Ran away with a man, 
 And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 
 
 But he followed the pair to Pawtucket, 
 The man and the girl with the bucket; 
 
 And he said to the man 
 
 He was welcome to Nan, 
 But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. 
 
 So pa followed the man to Andover, 
 And discovered him living in clover. 
 
 ^^Tho my daughter you've won. 
 
 You can't have my mon. 
 In regard to that bucket, Andover.'^ 
 
 ^"^There was a young person of Crete 
 Whose toilette was far from complete; 
 She dressed in a sack, 
 Spickle-speckled with black, 
 That ombliferous person of Crete* 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 113 
 
 I'd rather have fingers than toes, 
 I'd rather have ears than a nose! 
 
 And as for my hair, 
 
 I'm glad it's all there; 
 I'll be awfuly sad when it goes. 
 
 There once v^as a baby of yore, 
 But no one knew what it was for, 
 
 And being afraid 
 
 It might be mislaid, 
 They put it away in a drawer. 
 
 There was a young maid who said : ^ Why 
 Can't I look in my ear with my eye? 
 
 If I put my mind to it 
 
 I'm sure I can do it. 
 You never can tell till you try." 
 
 There once was a Frenchman from Pau 
 Who went for a slide on the snau 
 
 In the rough Pyrenees, 
 
 Where he skinned both his knees, 
 And his cuticle now has to grau. 
 
 There was a young man of Atlanta 
 Fell in love with a girl full of banter. 
 
 ^^I should just like to see 
 
 The man who'd kiss me," 
 She said, and he did instanten 
 
114 LIMERICK LYRICS. i 
 
 The fellow that dabbles in stocks 
 Is likely to run on the rocks ; 
 
 His pile dwindles away ^ 
 
 Like ice on a hot day; 
 It melts in chips, not in blocks. 
 
 A young married man of Nunhead, 
 To a pal very solemnly said: 
 
 "Though spliced but a week, 
 
 If truth I must speak, 
 I heartily wish myself dead.'' 
 
 They played at the game called parchesi 
 Till he exclaimed : "This is too esi. 
 
 Let's dress and get out 
 
 And wander about;" 
 But t'others all thought 'twas too bresi. 
 
 A fellow in good old Terre Haute 
 Went out at election to vaute; 
 When his party won out 
 He gave a great shout — 
 And came home as full as a gaute. 
 
 There was a young maid of Wyo., 
 Who liked to walk out in the glo. 
 
 If a friend, as she passed, 
 
 Quite politely would ask 
 What she'd have, she'd reply: "Some- 
 thing fo." 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 115 
 
 A Teutonic actor cried ^^Hoch! 
 
 I am fond of sword-play and war-smock. 
 
 But I don't mean it. NeinI 
 
 No ulterior design 
 Is involved. It is only a joch." 
 
 There was a young man from Woon- 
 
 socket, 
 Whose picture was worn in a locket; 
 
 He married the belle, 
 
 And ere long it befell 
 That they took out the locket to socket. 
 
 \ 
 
 A girl went abroad from Dubuque 
 Intending to get her a duque, 
 
 But the price was so high 
 
 She wasn't able to high, 
 And the neighbors cried: ^^Oh, what a 
 fluquel" 
 
 A pseudo big chief of the Sioux 
 
 Sued hard for the hand of sweet Sue; 
 
 He carried the day, 
 
 And the marriage, they say, 
 Of Sue and the Sioux will ensue. 
 
 The cantatrice, Mme. de Anna, 
 Who sang a mosquito sopranna, 
 
 Slipped ofif in high C 
 Half an inch from the key. 
 In a very ridiculous manna. 
 
ii6 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Oh, the women wear the breeches in 
 
 Aiken, 
 The women ride astride in Aiken, in 
 Aiken. 
 They don't do things by halves, 
 And they show their pretty calves, 
 Be they fat or lean as staves in Aiken, in 
 Aiken. 
 
 ^'Go ask papa," the maiden said. 
 
 He knew that her papa was dead; 
 He also knew the life he led 
 Aiid to where her answer led 
 
 When ^^Go ask papa," the maiden said. 
 
 There was a young fellow named Phil, 
 Who courted a charmer named Lil; 
 
 Then followed, of course, 
 
 A suit for divorce. 
 So you see he is courting her still. 
 
 A cook there was kneading her dough. 
 When in at the dor walked her bough; 
 
 She said: ^^I'm busy, 
 
 So don't make me dusy 
 With love talk, but get up and gough." 
 
 They had purchased a set of croquet. 
 And were ready one morning to pluet. 
 But the horrid old rain 
 Spoiled the game for the twain, 
 So they spooned in the parlor all duet. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 117 
 
 A gallant and social Mr. 
 On meeting a fair damsel kr, 
 
 She called for a Dr. 
 
 The thing had so shr, 
 iAnd on her red lips raised a blr. 
 
 A clergyman told from his text 
 How Samson was barbered and vexed, 
 
 And told it so true 
 
 That a man in the pew 
 Got rattled, and shouted out ''Next!" 
 
 She made for herself a new toque, 
 But cried till she thought she would 
 choque, 
 
 When her husband said ''Gee! 
 
 Your friends will all see 
 That a hat made like that is a joque." 
 
 In Chicago they called her petite, 
 She'd a figure uncommonly nite; 
 
 But of course you can see. 
 
 Just as plain as can be, 
 This didn't apply to her fite. 
 
 A telephone maid from Cologne 
 
 Had a heart that was harder than stogne. 
 
 When they asked for her hand 
 
 In tones that were bland, 
 She blasted their hopes o'er the 'phogne. 
 
ii8 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 An heiress who lived in Dubuque 
 Was courted and wed to a duque, 
 But this nobleman gay 
 Made her wealth fade away, 
 So she had to go out as a cuque. 
 
 The sermon our pastor Rt. Rev. 
 
 Began, may have had a Rt. clev, 
 But his talk, though consistent, 
 Kept the end so far distant, 
 
 We left since we felt he mt. nev. 
 
 There once was a maid from Fa. 
 Who slipped as she walked in the ca. 
 
 She cried out, ^^Oh, fudge! 
 
 I really can't budge," 
 Now could there be anything ha? 
 
 A man who made photos in platinum 
 Sat down on some fresh prints to flat- 
 
 inum; 
 
 But a pin in the chair 
 Made him leap up and swair — 
 Now he wishes he never had satinum. 
 
 A young lady on economy bent 
 Wished to give a luncheon in Lent, 
 So dried apples and water 
 She served, but it taught her 
 Swell affairs oft bring discontent. 
 
'^ LIMERICK LYRICS. 119 
 
 There once was a nice young Mr. 
 Who loved some one else's sr; 
 
 When he asked her to wed 
 
 She just nodded her head, 
 So he promptly got up and he kr. 
 
 A maiden named Annabel Rose, 
 Who was given to up-to-date clothes, 
 
 From Santa Claus got 
 
 A nice house and lot, 
 But it fell through the clocks in her hose. 
 
 There orice was a miserable debtor 
 Who sat down to write a long letter. 
 
 When he picked up the ink, 
 
 His heart it did sink, 
 For he spilled some all over his swebter. 
 
 Miss Minnie McFinney, of Butte, 
 Fed always, and only on f rutte. 
 
 Said she: ^^Let the coarse 
 
 Eat of beef and of horse, 
 I'm a peach, and that's all there is tutte.'' 
 
 There was a grass widow quite proper, 
 Who was formerly married to Hopper, 
 
 But he got a divorce. 
 
 As a matter of course. 
 And the grass widow's now a grass- 
 hopper. 
 
I20 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 'Tis said that old Earl of Warwick 
 (A personage very histarwick) 
 
 Dismissed his physician, 
 
 A man of position, d 
 
 For making him drink paregarwick. 
 
 i 
 
 The brakeman was broke, so he turned on 
 his brake. 
 And broke through the car with a gun. 
 To the folks he had broken he left no 
 kind token. 
 But broke for the brake with the 
 ^^mon." 
 
 A giddy young cat named Mariar 
 On the back fence sang higher and 
 higher. 
 Till she hit a high note 
 Which got stuck in her throat — 
 She now has to play on a lyre. 
 
 A chap who lived just as he should 
 Was running one day through a would, 
 
 When his head struck a tree, 
 
 He fell dead as could be — 
 How nice that he'd always been gould. 
 
 There once was a mile, 
 With a form like a pretty gUe, 
 Whenever she laughed 
 She drove me quite daughed, 
 And made me as angry- as elle. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 121 
 
 A witty chap full of bon mots 
 Went often to vaudeville shots; 
 When he sat and talked back 
 Till, chagrined with his slack, 
 The boss led him out by the nots. 
 
 There once was a freshman named 
 
 Greening, 
 Who fell down four flights without mean- 
 ing. 
 The janitor swore, 
 As he struck the ground floor: 
 ^Twill take all the afternoon cleaning." 
 
 There once was a girl named Amelia, 
 Who drank half a pint of lobelia, 
 The doctor came quick 
 And declared, ^^You're not sick, 
 So why am I summoned to helia?'' 
 
 Algernon Jones ate Paris green 
 And died all over the carpet clean. 
 The loss of the rug piqued Algie's father. 
 Who remarked: ^'He always was a 
 bother." 
 
 A young fellow said, ^^If I could" — 
 Then he stopped for a moment and stould. 
 
 ^^I affirm by my soul — 
 
 Could afford to buy coul 
 I wouldn't be here sawing would." 
 
122 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A girl with her hands in the dough 
 Was caught in the act by her bough. 
 
 ^^Now I've got you," he said; 
 
 With a toss of her head, 
 She answered him: ^^Ough. I don't 
 knough !" 
 
 A weak but ingenious young guy 
 Was induced to believe he could fluy, 
 
 So he built a machine 
 
 That required gasoline — 
 Well, he found it a quick way to duy. 
 
 There was a young man with a squint, 
 Who couldn't be moved by a huint, 
 
 So he stayed, and he stayed 
 
 'Till her pa made a raid — 
 And now he is plastered with luint. 
 
 A lady who liked to crochet 
 Had a manner vivacious and get. 
 
 People's names she forgot, 
 
 But that bothered her not. 
 For she calmly addressed them as "set," 
 
 A fellow who lived in New Guinea, 
 Was known as a silly young nuinea. 
 
 He utterly lacked 
 
 Good judgment and tact. 
 For he told a svelt girl she was skuinea.. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 123 
 
 A woman who wanted a toque 
 
 And whose hubby had said he was broque 
 
 Swiped his new overcoat 
 
 And just left him a noat 
 To say she had put it in soque. 
 
 A man by the name of Mulqueen, 
 Who endeavored to light his dudeen 
 
 With a dynamite stick, 
 
 His pipe may have lit, 
 But I can't say the same of Mulqueen. 
 
 There was a young lady of Crewe, 
 Who wanted to catch the 2 : 2. 
 
 Said the porter, '^Don't hurry 
 
 Or scurry or flurry, 
 It's a minute or 2 2 2: 2." 
 
 There was a young fellow in Me., 
 Who took his girl out in the re. 
 She wore rainy-day clothes 
 And her openwork hothes 
 He noticed, were clocked like a se. 
 
 Said the mate of this vessel unique 
 To the cap'n, ^^What port shall we 
 sique?" 
 
 Said the cap'n, 'We'll dock 'er 
 
 In Davy Jones' locker; 
 The bloomin' old tub's sprung a lique." 
 
124 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 If men wore their hats in the lift, 
 Miss Bangup got awfully mift, 
 
 But when her best beau 
 
 Cigarette smoke did bleau 
 Through his nose, she would smile as 
 she snift. 
 
 There was once a Jap of renown 
 
 Who doted on seeing the town. 
 Said the girls, with surprise, 
 ^When he makes goo-goo eyes, 
 
 One of his eyes look up 
 
 And the other looks pensively down.'' 
 
 There was a big chap in Mo., 
 Who drove a big truck for a Bro. 
 
 In speech he was mild 
 
 As a Sunday-school child; 
 The strongest he used was, ^^Oh, Fo. !'' 
 
 They all made a journey to Haddam — 
 Papa, son-in-law and the madam; 
 
 Where the bucket they drained 
 
 Until nothing remained, 
 And the next morning all three of them 
 Haddam. 
 
 There was an old Kansas antique, 
 Whose life was a smash and a shrique. 
 
 And they say Carrie N. 
 
 Is a fussy old hen. 
 Who ought to be ducked in the crique. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 125 
 
 There was a young lady in China, 
 Who was quite a greedy young dina. 
 
 She feasted on snails, 
 
 Slugs, peacocks and quails, 
 ^^No mixture," she said, '^could be fina." 
 
 The maid was a buster, and around with 
 a duster 
 Was really a fluster a-dusting a bust in 
 the hall. 
 But when she had dusted, 
 The bust it was busted; 
 The bust it was dust — that was all. 
 
 Then the man stole away to Havannah 
 With the bucket, but left poor, dear 
 Anna. 
 
 But pa wired in brief 
 
 To the run-away thief, 
 ^^You can't have that bucket, Havannah." 
 
 There once was a dignified mme.. 
 Who ^^biked" on a road of macme., 
 
 When lo ! by mistake, 
 
 A rough road she did take 
 And immediately thought that she hme. 
 
 There was a young girl from Marquette, 
 Who purchased a pug for a puette; 
 
 But alas and alack! 
 
 It sat on the track, 
 And the girl is lamenting it yuette. 
 
126 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Now lay away your sealskin sacque, 
 And take the flannels from your bacque 
 And then the grip will lay you low 
 And all your loving friends will gow 
 Behind your body in a hacque. 
 
 There was a young man down in Ga., 
 As cunning and cold as a Ba. 
 But he shuffled the decks, 
 Wrote many false checks, 
 And now he's in jail as a fa. 
 
 Nan went with her aunt to Antietam. 
 Her pa he had promised to treat 'em. 
 
 He bought from the ''Man," 
 
 Some apples for ''Nan," 
 But before Nan could eat 'em, Antietam. 
 
 A five-year-old maiden named Clytie 
 Saw a statue of nude Aphrodite. 
 
 "Do you like it?" said I. 
 
 "Yes," the Miss made reply. ^ 
 "But I dess she's fordotten her nightie.'^ 
 
 Once a frisky young maiden named 
 Mame 
 
 Attempted the shy skee to tame. 
 With many wide swerves 
 The skees showed their curves. 
 
 And Mame, in the spill, did the same. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 127 
 
 A cheese that was aged and gray- 
 Was walking and talking one day. 
 
 Said the cheese, ^^Kindly note 
 
 My mama was a goat 
 And I'm made out of curds by the whay." 
 
 She was filled with resentment and pique, 
 Refused to contend for a wique; 
 
 But a box of nice candy 
 
 Came in very handy, 
 And brought back a smile to her chique. 
 
 A girl from the town of Milwaukee, 
 When waltzing was thoroughly gaukee,"^" 
 
 But in gossip she'd shine — 
 
 For that was her line — 
 Her long suit was just taulkee-taulkee! 
 
 There was a fellow named Dunne, 
 Who thinks making debts is great fun, 
 
 But collectors declare, 
 
 In a tone of despair, 
 ^'We will never be done dunning Dunne.'' 
 
 A youth whose style was unique. 
 To marry an heiress did sique. 
 
 But he didn't succeed, 
 
 And to keep him from need. 
 He's still working for one pound per 
 wique. 
 
128 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Said the aeronaut, in his balloon: 
 
 ^^I shall see all the stars very soon." 
 
 He was right, for he dropped, 
 
 And he saw when he stopped, 
 
 Three millions of stars and a moon. 
 
 Ambrose B. McLarning, 
 Without a moment's warning, 
 
 Jumped into the Hudson, 
 
 In all of his duds, an' — 
 His funeral was held the next marning. 
 
 Some artists they kin surely draw, 
 
 Espechully the masters, 
 But 'bout the best I've ever saw 
 In this respect wus my granmaw 
 
 Elmiry's mustard plasters. 
 
 There was an old man of Cape Horn, 
 Who wished he had never been born. 
 
 So he sat on a chair 
 
 Till he died of despair. 
 That dolorous man of Cape Horn. 
 
 There is a hammer called Opportunity, 
 
 And when the moment comes 
 To clinch success or else to fail. 
 For each who fairly strikes the nail, 
 
 A hundred hit their thumbs. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 129 
 
 There was a young man of Mo., 
 Who wanted to sit on a jo., 
 
 But the judge called him down 
 
 With a terrible frown, 
 And the youngster stalked out in a fo. 
 
 Said a sensible man of Corea, 
 ^^I must own to a sneaking idea 
 
 That the Jap and the Russ, 
 
 Ere they finish their fuss. 
 Will just wipe up the ground with 
 Corea." 
 
 L was a leary old lynx. 
 
 Who said, ^^Do you know what I thinks? 
 
 I think if you happen 
 
 To catch me a nappin', 
 By jinks, I will set up the drinks." 
 
 He was one of the life-saving corps, 
 Who guarded at all times the shores. 
 
 One night in a squall 
 
 He fell from a yawl, 
 And he never was seen any more. 
 
 A youth once imbibed some champagne, 
 Which soon found its way to his bragne, 
 
 And he murmured, ^^Oh-haw! 
 
 Everything goe, psee-psaw — 
 ni never drink liquor agagne!" 
 
130 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 There once was a new Cambridge mayor, 
 Who said, ^^FU cause a great scayorl 
 
 I'll cut down the trees 
 
 In the yard, if you plees. 
 And then FU have wood and to spayor." 
 
 When you are dressing for the ball, 
 
 And round and round you fly. 
 
 Oh, how it makes you walk the floor. 
 To find the man who rooms next door 
 
 Has got your last dress tie! 
 
 There once was a fine Jersey cow, 
 Who remarked, ^Will you please tell me 
 how. 
 
 Ever since I was born, 
 
 I ain't had any horn?" 
 We replied, ^^ You're a muley, so now I" 
 
 A young man who hunted in Maine, 
 Met a lion one day in the rain, 
 
 He ran in a fright 
 
 With all his might, 
 But the lion ran, too, with his mane. 
 
 There were three little birds in a wood, 
 Who always sang hymns when they could, 
 What the words were about 
 They could never make out, 
 But they felt they were doing th^rn good. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 131 
 
 When you forgive an enemy 
 The stings that smart you and blister, 
 The reason then is one of two — 
 He is a bigger man than you, 
 Or has a pretty sister. 
 
 Punctuation's abhorent to Thos., 
 And he loathes semicolons and cos. ; 
 
 He is such a bad boy 
 
 That a wave of great joy 
 Would arise were the kid taken fros. 
 
 A light-fingered fellow of Worcester, 
 Declared, ^^LU not steal as I urcester." 
 
 But he fell with a swoop 
 
 On the first chicken coop 
 That he saw, and made ofif with a ror- 
 cesten 
 
 The wife who wants a sealskin sacque 
 Will softly now her lord attracque, 
 
 And coax and tease. 
 
 And melt and freeze. 
 Until she conquers him, alacquel 
 
 When she starts on her campaign, 
 She makes her purpose very plain. 
 
 And ne'er relents 
 
 Till he consents, 
 And then she sweetly smiles again, 
 
132 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 ^^Marry me, or, if not, a new gown!" 
 Said the girl with a terrible frown, 
 But the man, undismayed. 
 Gave his purse to the maid, 
 And told her to hie to the town. 
 
 There was a young man named Ignatius, 
 Who lived in an attic quite spacious, 
 
 When he tore his apparel, 
 
 He'd sit in a barrel. 
 Until he could mend 'em — my gracious I 
 
 ^^Of the bargains the market affords. 
 The best that I know for the lovers of self, 
 
 Is to buy Lord 
 
 At what he is worth — 
 And sell at the price he puts on himself.'^ 
 
 At present the fad is old pewter, 
 Milady thinks nothing is cewter, 
 So if ^^her" you'd delight 
 With a bauble that's right, 
 Buy pewter — it's certain to sewter. 
 
 A girl made believe she was crazy. 
 And one day when the weather was hazy 
 
 She brandished a knife. 
 
 Screamed, ^^Wed me, or your life!" 
 "Take me," said the fellow, quite mazy. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 133 
 
 There once was a fellow called Jas., 
 Who w^as given to all sorts of gas.; 
 
 He remarked, ^^I can play 
 
 The races all day; 
 I can play, too, the hose on some flas.'* 
 
 There was a young student named Rough, 
 ,Who was more than enough ^^up to 
 snough." 
 
 In fact, I believe, 
 
 He'd a card up his sleeve — 
 Namely, notes on the edge of his cough. 
 
 Three jolly young fellows of Manx 
 Drank so much they wtve looked on as 
 tanx; 
 They swore ofif on the first. 
 But so great was their thirst. 
 On the Fourth they accepted with thanx. 
 
 Two dance hall musicians in Butte 
 Were paid to play cornet and flutte, 
 But they drank lemonade. 
 Beer and whiskey, which made 
 These two tooters too tight to tutte. 
 
 There w^as an old maid of Oneida, 
 Who screamed at the sight of a speida, 
 
 She would kick at a lamb 
 
 And run wild from a ramb. 
 But fearlessly tackle hard ceida. 
 
134 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A wealthy old buffer named Saint John 
 Had a fire and went ofif for an ain't John, 
 
 He helped it to play, 
 
 But, alas, the next day. 
 He was plagued with rheumatical twaint 
 John! 
 
 So the next time he came, this young Mr. 
 Looked round for the maiden, but mr. ; 
 
 But he lengthened his stay, 
 
 And made good, anyway — 
 For he kissed to a bir her sister. 
 
 There is an old woman named Boyle, 
 
 Who's living on cod-liver oyle. 
 Though she looks like a phantom 
 She's the pluck of a bhantam. 
 
 And vows she won't ^^shuffle the coyle." 
 
 ^^I lift home at tin minutes to eight, 
 For I wanted tin minutes to ate ; 
 
 Me thrain goes at 9.09, 
 
 And now it's nigh nine. 
 So there shtill is tin minutes to wait." 
 
 There once was a fellow named Otto, 
 Who scorched with his 90-mile auto, 
 
 He outscorched this life, 
 
 And the rumor is rife 
 That the next will scorch him, for it 
 ought to. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 135 
 
 A pretty young girl of Algiers, 
 
 Who was constantly weeping for years, 
 
 Saved the drops in a tank, 
 
 Which was kept in a bank, 
 Till safe-blowers burst into tears. 
 
 A company wrecked in Monclair 
 Vainly skirmished around for fare, 
 Being left on their suppers. 
 Started home on their uppers, 
 But still are quite far from the square. 
 
 There was a young lady named Lulu, 
 Who was running away wath a Zulu, 
 When her grandfather caught her 
 And drenched her with water. 
 And said, ^^Now, I hope that will do, Lu 
 
 ^> 
 
 A tramp asked a farmer for something 
 to eat. 
 One day as he chanced there to stop. 
 The kind-hearted farmer went out to the 
 
 shed. 
 And gave him an axe, and feelingly said, 
 ^^Now, just help yourself to a chop 1" 
 
 There is a fair girl at Le Sueur, 
 Whose upper lips' covered with fur, 
 Yet this adds but a charm 
 To her father's big farm. 
 And the fellows are wild after her. 
 
*f 
 
 136 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 A barefoot young woman of Twickenham 
 iBought shoes 'cause she thought she'd 
 walk quick in 'em; 
 
 After walking a mile 
 
 She sat on a stile, 
 And right there became awful sick in 'em. 
 
 There was once a swate colleen called 
 Florrie, 
 
 iWho tumbled down, biff, in a quarrie ; 
 As she wiped off the dirt. 
 She said, ''Och! doesn't it hurt? 
 
 Begorra, Oi raley feel sorrie!" 
 
 The shark enjoys no man's respect. 
 And he doesn't wish to claim it, yet 
 It may be said for him that he 
 Flaunts no pretentious piety 
 In grabbing all that he can get. 
 
 A young maid of old Terre Haute 
 Found herself in a deuce of a baute, 
 The husband she'd bought 
 Wrote the name ^Terry Hawt," 
 So she speedily set him aflaute. 
 
 One night when the echoes were dumb, 
 A bibulous rake with a drumb 
 
 Made a horrible noise 
 
 To give vent to his joise. 
 Until he by a cop was o'ercumR 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 137 
 
 She gave her heart to the handsome 
 
 youth — 
 The youth with a sweet mustache ; 
 
 She gave her heart — but her hand she 
 
 saved 
 For the gray-bearded man whose lip 
 was shaved, 
 And whose pockets were lined with cash. 
 
 There was once a cal. fellow, 
 Who grew ically mellow, 
 
 With a — he was gone 
 
 To the town of : 
 To write for a sheet that was yellow. 
 
 Miss Nora once wore a fedora 
 As bright as the light of Aurora, 
 
 A goat passing by 
 
 Said, when it caught his eye, 
 ^^I'd adore a feed o'er fedora!" 
 
 A party whose candor was shocking 
 Was once reprimanded for knocking, 
 
 Because he had said 
 
 Of the heiress he wed 
 She carries her coin in her chatelaine. 
 
 The question he'd popped at a toi. 
 
 And the answer had filled him with gloi, 
 
 For the maiden so fair, 
 
 With a sweet, modest air. 
 Replied to him simply with ^^Oui.'^ 
 
138 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 But as he drove his motor car 
 
 He smoked a strong and vile cigar. 
 
 O, nicotine 
 
 And gasoline, 
 There's joy for us, these two between. 
 
 When in the footlights' glare she stands 
 Men think her one of the fairy queens; 
 
 What would they say 
 
 Could they but see 
 The way she tackles the pork and beans? 
 
 The wind blows sweetly from the west, 
 The furnace fire dies, 
 
 And in a little while we'll get 
 
 The sticky paper out and set 
 The old snares for the flies. 
 
 There was a great swell in Japan, 
 Whose name on a Tuesday began; 
 It lasted through Sunday, 
 Till twilight on Monday, 
 And sounded like stones in a can. 
 
 In Iowa's fair Oskaloosa 
 
 A girl said, ^^I'll not marry yoosa." 
 
 His name was Oscar, 
 
 But he lost off the R, 
 When the people asked, ^^Did Oska- 
 loosa?" 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 139 
 
 A teacher whose spelling's unique, 
 Thus wrote down the days of the wique: 
 The first he spelt '^Sonday," 
 The second day ^^Munday" — 
 And now a new teacher they sique. 
 
 To a poor, dirty tramp said proud Matt, 
 ^^Get immediately out of the patt! 
 
 You're obstructing my way — 
 
 Vanish quickly, I say! 
 Besides, you've not taken a batt!" 
 
 A masher who lived in Marseilles 
 Was a winner with giddy femeilles, 
 
 But a girl from Bordeaux, 
 
 When he popped, snorted ^^Neaux!'' 
 And it took all the wind from his seilles. 
 
 When the funny man's copy is due, 
 And jokes seem remarkably few, 
 
 He will jump to his chair, 
 
 Take a pull at his hair. 
 Then grind out a limerick or two. 
 
 Did you ever wake to consciousness of 
 
 bliss. 
 When the maiden fair was willing 
 To bestow the pleasure thrilling 
 In a moment's taste of heaven called a 
 
 kiss? 
 
140 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 ^The clothes don't make the man," she 
 sighed, 
 In language pat; 
 He saw her bloomers, and he cried, 
 ^^I'mgladof thatr 
 
 Extremes doth Mistress Fashion love 
 In woman's drapery show, 
 
 In winter decollete above, 
 In summer decollete below. 
 
 He forced her pa to toe the mark; 
 
 'Twas quite a hit. 
 Alas! her pa did toe the mark. 
 
 But he was it! 
 
 ^^I'll marry whom I please," said she, 
 
 And tossed her little head; 
 ^'Hurrah, you're mine, for certainly 
 
 You do please me," he said. 
 
 When Adam ate that apple red, 
 It only took a minute ; 
 
 The apple was in Adam then, 
 But Adam wasn't in it. 
 
 *^How was my angel cake?" she said; 
 
 Her husband answered with a frown: 
 ^^Though it was heavier than lead, 
 
 I fear I cannot keep it down." 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 141 
 
 That woman cannot run a train, 
 
 It's useless to repine, 
 For every Monday she would have 
 
 A wash out on the line. 
 
 There'd be less cause for worrying, 
 For picturesque remarks and fuss, 
 
 If we could fall upon the snow 
 As softly as it falls on us. 
 
 He married her — his fair typewriter 
 
 girl- 
 So ladylike, so gentle, such a pearl! — 
 And now discovers, to his consternation. 
 There's not a thing she'll do at his dicta- 
 tion. 
 
 A coach and four he'd have, he swore, 
 
 If only things went right. 
 And now he's gone to buy the coach — 
 
 Quadruplets came last night. 
 
 She made a fortune in preserves, 
 No woman e'er did better; 
 
 She won a breach-of-promise case 
 By ^^preserving" every letter. 
 
 In counting life's worries 
 'Tis little things tell, 
 
 AH girls with small brothers 
 Know this very well. 
 
142 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 All things may come 
 To those who wait, 
 
 But when they do 
 They're out of date. 
 
 \ 
 
 He led her to the altar, 
 'Twas merely tit for tat; 
 
 He led her to the altar, 
 She led him after that. 
 
 Mary had a little lamb. 
 
 Its fleece was white as snow^ 
 
 But most of us have heard of ix\ 
 All that we want to know. 
 
 Willie scalped his baby brother^ 
 Left him lying hairless; 
 
 ^Willie," said his worried mother, 
 "You are getting careless." 
 
 I do not know why I am here, 
 
 I really do not care. 
 But if I wasn't here, I know, 
 
 I'd probably be there. 
 
 A bachelor says a woman can't 
 
 Throw straight because she squintr ; 
 
 But, just the same, she's accurate. 
 When it comes to throwing hints, 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 143 
 
 *^I am building," the pensive maiden said, 
 
 "A castle in the air." 
 ^*And what is the corner-stone?" he asked. 
 
 She answered: ^^A solitaire." 
 
 *^If you cannot be a light-house, 
 Be a candle!" Moody said; 
 
 But you know a candle's wick-ed, 
 So by Moody don't be led! 
 
 His name was Willie Wood, 
 Her name was Susie Glue, 
 
 He pressed her to his heart and said: 
 ^^My dear, I'm stuck on you." 
 
 She sang a moving little song, 
 This girl of voice bereft; 
 
 In fact, it was so moving that 
 The audience all left. 
 
 A mouse ran by, she did not scream, 
 Or wildly raise her head; 
 
 ^*I do not mind such animals 
 With bloomers on," she said. 
 
 She wanted to go to the Charity Ball, 
 But she had no new fixings to wear. 
 
 And well did she know, as her judgment- 
 of clothes. 
 That charity would not be there. 
 
144 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 In the sunny South where blue-grass 
 grows 
 
 A paradox is born; 
 The corn is full of kernels and 
 
 The colonel's full of corn. 
 
 A maiden once ate a cucumber, 
 And then she lay down to slumber; 
 
 The next thing she knew 
 
 Up to Heaven she flew, 
 And her casket was made of new lumber. 
 
 — Eugene Field, 
 
 He stood on the bridge at midnight. 
 Beneath the heaven's great dome. 
 
 Because he was married and the jag that 
 he carried 
 Made him afraid to go home. 
 
 A punch in my solar plexus 
 
 The Demon Rum gave me; 
 I didn't mind; in fact, was glad — 
 
 'Twas a good, stiff Roman punch, you 
 see. 
 
 The girl to her doting father brings 
 Her lover with a fond salute. 
 
 But as time goes on there's a change in 
 things — 
 She brings him a lover to Hoot I 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 145 
 
 The bird sits moping on the bough 
 
 And takes it rather ill 
 That he, forsooth, is killed to dress 
 
 The girl that's dressed to kill. 
 
 With bold bacilli in a kiss 
 And germs in the ice cream, 
 
 Pray who can tell what will become 
 Of love's young dream? 
 
 'Twas ever thus, from childhood's hour, 
 I'd softly to the door advance. 
 
 And for my latchkey wildly ^^scour," 
 To find 'twas in some other ^^pants." 
 
 The gentleman of leisure's one 
 Who takes his time, no doubt; 
 
 He may take your time, too, so watch 
 Your watch when he's about. 
 
 ^^Your face is like a peach," he said; 
 
 She blushed beneath her bonnet. 
 Nor dreamed he meant to say it had 
 
 Superfluous fuzz upon it. 
 
 She met him in the darkened hall; 
 
 Said he, ^^I've brought some roses." 
 Her answer seemed irrelevant; 
 
 It was, ^^How cold your nose isl" 
 
146 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Oh, the size of the sighs a fond lover 
 sighs, 
 When some flirt casts him off for a 
 better, 
 Can never size up w^ith the size of the 
 sighs 
 Of the poor luckless one who may get 
 her. 
 
 \ She was a simple summer girl. 
 Her beauty made me glad. 
 But the sweets she ate at my expense 
 Took every cent I had. 
 
 *'Say so. Sue, sau-cy Sue, 
 
 Never leave me to sigh so. Sue; 
 
 If you love me, saucy Sue, 
 
 Wouldn't it be better for to say so, Sue?" 
 
 You may scramble up mountains all over 
 
 the world, 
 
 Of the biggest and highest description, 
 
 But you'll find the most difficult sort of 
 
 ascent 
 
 When you try to get up a subscription. 
 
 Behold the felicitous father. 
 
 His daughter's wedding when at. 
 
 Supporting the bride to the altar. 
 And the bride and the groom after that* 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 147 
 
 *^Have you learned," he asked, 
 
 ^To flirt with a fan?" 
 *^No," the maiden said, 
 
 *^I prefer a man." 
 
 From Saratoga Clara writes: 
 ^^Come here for your ozone, 
 
 It strengthens all things, since I came; 
 My love has stronger grown." 
 
 The coming woman, night and day, 
 
 We hear of high and low, 
 Till there's but one thing we can say — 
 
 We wish she'd come and go! 
 
 ^^I'U stick to you whate'er betide, 
 Though all the world may scoff." 
 
 Thus spoke the heavy flannel shirt, 
 But the man said, ^^Aw, come off 1" 
 
 The prettiest girl I ever knew 
 Was good and kind and brilliant, too. 
 And yet she would not stay. Ah, me! 
 I met her in a reverie. 
 
 The stork is a bird with a great big bill ; 
 He brings us the babies whenever he will; 
 Then comes the doctor, and when he is 
 
 through 
 You find that he has a big bill, too. 
 
148 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 If there's one unsecluded spot 
 That I would like to own 
 
 And fence about, 'tis that small plot 
 Where my wild oats were sown. 
 
 She was mad enough to tear her hair 
 And grind her teeth, also; 
 But she curbed her angry passion, 
 For they cost too much, you know. 
 
 "Just think what we'd be missing," 
 Said he, '4f that delighted 
 
 Discoverer of kissing 
 Had had it copyrighted." 
 
 Hark! the herald angels sing 
 Killam's pills are just the thing;. 
 Peace on earth and mercy mild, 
 Two for man and one for child. 
 
 The young man took his sister's hand, 
 And sought to soothe her tears. 
 "The cry-sis has arrived!" he said 
 As she burst into tears. 
 
 The boy stood on the burning deck 
 
 Because he was afraid. 
 He couldn't swim to save his neck, 
 
 And that was why he stayed. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 149 
 
 Her pretty mouth, when first I kissed it, 
 
 I knew right well; 
 She turned her head — I thought I missed 
 
 it, 
 I cannot tell 
 Just how it was, but, well — I kissed it. 
 
 Mary had a little lamb, 
 
 Likewise a lobster stew, 
 And ere the sunlit morning dawned 
 
 She had the nightmare, too. 
 
 They went out sailing, lass and lad, 
 Who liked each other well ; 
 
 He hugged the shore, and I might add- 
 But, pshaw! I mustn't tell! 
 
 *^Come into the garden, Maud," he 
 sighed. 
 But sweet Maud was nobody's fool. 
 ^^Do your own tater-buggin','' she cried — 
 ^^I'U stay in the house and keep cool. 
 
 ^ Will you walk into my parlor?" said the 
 spider to the fly. 
 ^Well, hardly," said the insect as he 
 winked the other eye. 
 
 ^^Your parlor has an entrance, but of ex- 
 its it is shy, 
 
 So I'll stay outside in safety and remain 
 a little fly." 
 
150 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 ^^I love the ground you walk on," 
 
 This was the tale he told. 
 They lived up by the Klondike 
 
 And the ground was full of gold. 
 
 "Your' re lively to-day," said the William 
 Goat 
 As he watched his helpmeet hustle. 
 She said: "I have just eaten some wom- 
 
 en's wear, 
 
 And I'm just full of bustle." 
 
 "I cannot sing the old songs,'^ 
 
 She warbled. It was true, 
 And would some power would keep her 
 
 From murdering the new. 
 
 "Mother, may I go out to swim?" 
 "Yes, my dearest daughter. 
 
 Get a suit you'll look well in 
 But don't go near the water." 
 
 Close, close beside each other 
 They sat for half the night; 
 
 Until the younger brother 
 Turned sudden up the light. 
 
 Of all the great composers known, 
 There's one will always keep 
 
 A promise that's all his own — 
 The great composer — Sleep. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 151 
 
 *^Oh, do you love me, dear?" he cried; 
 
 *^And will you cast your lot 
 With mine in Hymen's 'Knot'?" She 
 sighed 
 
 And simply echoed ''Not!" 
 
 Ay! he was drunk with love, he said; 
 
 And Cupid held the cup. 
 Quite soon thereafter they were wed 
 
 And then he sobered up. 
 
 She shuts her eyes whene'er we kiss, 
 This maid so sweet and good. 
 
 And from my inmost heart I wish 
 Her mother also w^ould. 
 
 They buried her in a bathing suit; 
 
 A victim of the sea, 
 
 Who died from shame when a big wave 
 
 came — 
 Her epitaph, R. I. P. 
 
 The leaves are turning yellow; 
 
 The garden's charm has died; 
 And Mabel and her fellow 
 
 Now bill and coo inside. 
 
 She ne'er again will speak to him — 
 This stupid youth so bland. 
 
 She stood beneath the mistletoe — 
 He merely shook her hand. 
 
152 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 He steered across the floor at night, 
 The room was pitchy black; 
 
 He loudly swore — and then went ofif 
 Upon another tackl 
 
 icjy 
 
 IVe called full twenty times,'' said he, 
 ^^Your stony heart to soften." 
 ^^I'm shocked to hear," responded she, 
 ^That you've been full so often." 
 
 ;Now, as to mistletoe 
 
 Why don't the ladies fair 
 
 •Adopt a new and fetching fad 
 And wear it in their hair? 
 
 He trod on the corn of the belle of the 
 ball. 
 And then — so the other girls tell — 
 Slumbering echoes were aroused in the 
 hall 
 Because of the bawl of the belle. 
 
 The society girl may be first in the whirl 
 
 of receptions and balls. 
 But she'll have to admit it's the telephone 
 
 girl who receives the most ^^calls." 
 
 *What makes the butter bad?" he asked, 
 
 And pushed away the stuff. 
 ^^Because," said she, ^^when it was cream, 
 
 It wasn't whipped enough." 
 
LIMERICK LYPvICS. 153 
 
 No matter how highly a father may value 
 His daughter, 'tis truthful to say 
 
 That some time there's coming a time 
 when he's willing 
 Quite gladly to give her away. 
 
 If Nature made you ugly, 
 And for this fact you care, 
 
 Just step into a street car, and 
 You'll soon be passing fare. 
 
 ^Wilt play this day a twosome with me?'' 
 Quote I, and the maid quote ^^yea." 
 
 ^^Make it a onesome for life!" cried I; 
 But the maid replied ^^Nay, nay!" 
 
 The irrepressible dude very early in life 
 Falls in love with each maiden he sees, 
 
 In fact, he no sooner gets down on his lip. 
 Than he's apt to get down on his knees. 
 
 In Eden once a rib became 
 
 A woman, so they say. 
 And now it's ribbon that becomes 
 
 A woman of to-day. 
 
 He pressed his suit persistently 
 
 With vigor, go and snap ; 
 She pressed his suit three times a week 
 
 By sitting on his lap. 
 
154 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 The weather yesterday was bad, 
 The mud and slush were shocking, 
 
 But they gave the maid a splendid chance 
 To show her new silk stocking. 
 
 Though grass may grow anew each year 
 
 And seem of tender age, 
 'Tis older far than you appear, 
 
 Because its past-ur-age! 
 
 ^^Something has come between us,'^ 
 
 Cried the lover in dismay. 
 *What else can you expect?" she asked, 
 
 ^ When you sit so far away." 
 
 *^The poor benighted Hindoo, 
 He does the best he kindo; 
 
 He sticks to his case 
 
 From first to last. 
 And for pants he makes his skindo." 
 
 Mary had a little lamb, 
 A joyous, youthful mutton; 
 
 And when they played at parlor games 
 'Twas Mary got the butt'n. 
 
 Spinner's ^^pair" has just arrived. 
 And soon the poor old feller 
 
 All day v^^ill like the ocean ships. 
 Become a twin propeller. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 155 
 
 I met a goat, and said to him, 
 ^^The question, pray, excuse. 
 
 Why do you always wag your chin?'' 
 Quoth he, ^^Because I chews I" 
 
 Baby in the caldron fell — 
 
 See the grief on mother's brow, 
 
 Mother loves her darling well — 
 Darling's quite hard-boiled by now. 
 
 He told her the old, old story, 
 'Till she to believe him grew, 
 
 And married the man, and after that 
 'Most any old story would do. 
 
 ^^Oh, Dorothy, darling, do give me a 
 kiss?" 
 Her reply was not quite what he'd 
 reckoned. 
 ^^Oh, I couldn't do that," said coy little 
 Miss; 
 *^But I'll lend you just one for a sec- 
 ond." 
 
 ^T dote upon oaks," said the languishing 
 maid, 
 *^So noble, so stately, though few; 
 Tell me, now, Mr. Jones, what's your 
 favorite tree?" 
 And he tenderly answered her, ^'Yew.'' 
 
156 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Love in her eyes — Oh, ecstasy! 
 
 My heart leaps with a hope divine. 
 Love in her eyes — but not for me. 
 
 She sees an ice cream soda sign. 
 
 Old Baldhead in the foremost row 
 Scanned o'er the ballet lasses. 
 
 Poor dears! They wore few clothes and 
 so 
 He covered them with his glasses. 
 
 He wrote a quatrain on her eyebrow, 
 
 A sonnet on her throat, 
 And her father put a footprint 
 
 On the fag-end of his coat. 
 
 ^^Did you knock when you came to- 
 night?" asked she 
 
 With a blush, the sly little thing. 
 ^^I did; but why do you ask?" said he. 
 
 "Oh, I thought you came with a ring." 
 
 Wasted are the hammock's graces 
 On the dusty garret floor; 
 
 But the youth his chance embraces. 
 In the parlor, as before. 
 
 I held her little hand in mine; 
 
 She said her love would never falter. 
 That was last year— to-night, I opine- 
 
 My rival holds it at the altar. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 157 
 
 ^^Good-night!" she sighed; and yet once 
 more, 
 ^^Good-night!'' He cried: ^^Adieu! 
 Adieu!" 
 The parlor clock struck one before 
 The lateness of the hour struck two. 
 
 Sweet Anna was, as many know, 
 
 A woman suffragist: 
 But when sweet Anna got a beau, 
 
 She was an Anna kissed. 
 
 The lightning bug is brilliant. 
 But he hasn't any mind; 
 
 He blunders through existence 
 With his headlight on behind. 
 
 They tell us that it taketh two 
 To make a quarrel. This 
 
 Is also true : It taketh two 
 Likewise to make a kiss. 
 
 I'm very fond of oolong, 
 And soochong pleaseth me; 
 
 But one great tea I can't abide. 
 And that's humid-i-tea. 
 
 The ballet's not the drawing card 
 
 That once it used to be. 
 Ah! when it dies, may some good bard 
 
 Indite its L. E. G. 
 
158 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 You never hear the bee complain, 
 Nor hear it weep nor wail; 
 
 But if it wish, it can unfold 
 A very painful tail. 
 
 When Phyllis lets me tie her shoe 
 My glad heart sings. Indeed, 
 
 I do declare, I wouldn't care 
 Were she a centipede. 
 
 The porcupine may have his quills. 
 
 The elephant his trunk. 
 But when it comes to common scents 
 
 My money's on the skunk. 
 
 ^^These sharp detective officers," 
 Said Giggles to his wife, 
 
 ^^Are very like variety — 
 They are the spies of life.'' 
 
 That anybody seeks her life 
 
 Cannot in truth be said; 
 Although, because of her milliner's bill, 
 
 There's a price upon her head. 
 
 The lightning flashed, the lightning 
 crashed, 
 
 The skies were rent asunder, 
 With shriek and wail loud blew the gale, 
 
 And then it rained like thunder. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 159 
 
 The boy across his mother's knee, 
 His sorrows paused to nurse; 
 
 ^'Alackaday! This is," said he, 
 ^'A very sad reverse." 
 
 ^T guess it's time to go," 
 Remarked at last the bore; 
 
 *'An excellent guess," she answered; 
 ^^Why didn't you guess before?" 
 
 He was happy 'ere he met her. 
 Six short months ago; 
 
 Now, if he could but forget her, 
 Once more he'd be so. 
 
 Little Johnnie killed his sister, 
 A thing a brother should not do; 
 Cried his mother: ^^Now you'll catch it, 
 You've spoiled your father's brand-new 
 hatchet." 
 
 Microscopic lens doth show 
 
 That water teems with insects queer; 
 But what comfort 'tis to know 
 
 There are no such things in beer. 
 
 Of all the sad and gloomy words 
 That mankind ever writ, 
 
 There are no sadder ones to me 
 Than these two: 'Tlease remit" 
 
i6o LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 The big girls who have little brothers, 
 Who always run and tell their mothers 
 Whate'er they hear and see, know well 
 In life 'tis little things that tell. 
 
 The boy stood on the burning deck, 
 Whence all but him had fled; 
 
 He would not move to save his neck, 
 ^Tor I'm insured," he said. 
 
 She asked him if he'd take a seat. 
 But he, his blushes hiding, 
 
 Replied that he preferred to stand. 
 For he'd been horseback riding. 
 
 It is a formal dinner 
 
 And I am there, you see ; 
 
 Were "V to drop quite out of '4t," 
 Why, ^^it" would be a ^^t." 
 
 "My supper's cold!" 
 He swore with vim. 
 
 And then she made 
 It hot for him. 
 
 She would not, though I coaxed and 
 teased, 
 
 And begged of her my bride to be ; 
 She said she'd marry whom she pleased. 
 
 Yet — goodness knows — she pleases me. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. i6i 
 
 To knock down fifty oxen he 
 Was strong enough, 'twas clear. 
 
 His voice was strong, that's all. You see 
 He was an auctioneer. 
 
 ^^Oh, papa," said little Nellie, 
 
 And a new thought to her springs, 
 
 ^ What ailed the fallen angels ; 
 
 Couldn't they work their wings?" 
 
 I kissed her once more and she got mad. 
 
 Oh, I was such a dunce ; 
 I know now 'twas because I had 
 
 Just kissed her only once. 
 
 If you offer your hand to some fair maid 
 As to wedding perhaps she'll scofif, 
 
 But if you offer it to a buzz saw 
 The affair's likely to come off. 
 
 He tried to press his cheek to hers, 
 
 She tried her cheek to save; 
 And said: Come round to-morrow eve, 
 
 Here's ten cents for a shave. 
 
 She was going on to say: ^^Yes, Fred, I 
 will," 
 
 But before she could get through. 
 He took the words right out of her mouth, 
 
 As lovers often do. 
 
i62 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 ^What? Go to the ant?" said the slug- 
 gard; 
 ^ What a waste of my strength it would 
 be! 
 To the picnic I'll hie, and I'll sit by the 
 pie, 
 And let the ant come to me." 
 
 ^ Where are you going, my pretty maid?" 
 ^^Fm going to cut the corn," she said. 
 
 ^^Can I go with you, my pretty maid?" 
 ^^You're no chiropodist," she said. 
 
 Once I heard a mother utter, 
 ^^Go, my son, and shut the shutter," 
 ^'Shutter's shut," the boy did utter, 
 "I can't shut it any shutter." 
 
 ^^He hasn't combed his hair for twenty 
 
 years!" 
 
 The listener's eyes grew round and 
 
 wonder spread; 
 
 But afterward they each set up the beers, 
 
 ^^He hasn't forty hairs upon his head!" 
 
 "If I should try to take a kiss," says he, 
 "Tell me, what would you do?" 
 
 "You ought not to attempt it, John," said 
 she; 
 "I'm not as strong as you." 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 163 
 
 ^^No change in summer gowns, that's 
 clear," 
 
 Said Mr. Gowen Hockett, 
 "At least, no change in yours, my dear, 
 
 For there's none in my pocket." 
 
 She leaned upon his manly breast, 
 She pressed the buttons on his vest. 
 And then — oh, well, he did the rest, 
 Of course! 
 
 Mary had a little lamb 
 And a piece of apple pie, 
 
 And got a check for fifty cents, 
 Which she considered high. 
 
 Wen my pop talk o' Standard Oil, 
 It makes my heart beat faster. 
 
 Fur fear I'll git some, 'cause I know 
 The standard oil is castor. 
 
 I asked the hand of rich Miss Binx, 
 
 For I was hardly put; 
 But did I get it? No, indeed 1 
 
 I got her father's foot. 
 
 He used to send her roses; 
 
 He sent them every hour. 
 But now they're married and he sends 
 
 Her home a cauliflower. 
 
i64 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 I 
 
 And now the Johnnie discovers, 
 
 To his sorrow, don't cher know, 
 That his accounts he cannot settle. 
 
 Though with checks his trousers show. I 
 
 They say the baby looks like me, 
 A circumstance I dreaded, 
 
 But the only likeness I can see 
 Is that we're both bald-headed. 
 
 The Chanticleer announced with joy, 
 ^^The day, my dear, doth dawn," 
 
 And the hen, engaged in hatching eggs. 
 Rejoined in brief: ^^I'm on." 
 
 Though it has-been quite clearly shown 
 That women cannot throw a stone. 
 It came as straight as straight could be. 
 The kiss my sweetheart threw at me. 
 
 ^^Adam," said Eve, 
 
 As they went out the gate. 
 When ordered to leave, 
 ^^Is my leaf on straight?' 
 
 Oh, Jack and Jill went up the hill. 
 
 'Tis true they went together. 
 When Jack came down, he wore a frown, 
 
 Poor Jill, she wore a feather. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 165 
 
 The devil makes the strong March wind 
 That lifts the skirts too high; 
 
 But angels send the whirling dust 
 That blows in the bad man's eye. 
 
 Mary had a little lamb, 
 
 But she thought it was immense: 
 With new green peas and other things 
 
 It cost her ninety cents. 
 
 How strange a thing one's income is, 
 A paradox it seems to be — 
 
 To live without one bothers some, 
 To live within one bothers me. 
 
 "My love," he said, ^4t seems to me 
 
 That I am made for you." 
 ^^But then," she cried and gently sighed, 
 
 ^^I am not maid for you." 
 
 "Mother, may I go out to wheel?" 
 
 "Yes, my darling daughter; 
 I suppose, of course, you won't wear 
 skirts. 
 
 Although I think you oughter." 
 
 One sex alone did use to smoke. 
 But now look out for t'other; 
 
 Since a bicycle girl can scratch a match 
 Just like her elder brother. 
 
i66 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 *Where are you going, my pretty maid?'' 
 
 ^'I'm going a-moving, sir/' she said. 
 ^^I'U move along with you', my pretty 
 maid." 
 ^^Your motion's not seconded, sir," she 
 said. 
 
 Girl, oil. 
 Kettle, boil, 
 For rest 
 See inquest. 
 
 ^^Is a howling dog a sign of death?'^ 
 
 Said Doolittle to Dunn. 
 ^^Of course it is, if the dog will wait 
 
 Until I get my gun." 
 
 I had a dream the other night, 
 And woke up very sore ; 
 
 I dreamed I owned a gold mine, 
 But, alas, my dream was o'er. 
 
 I summered on the Jersey coast 
 And I am puzzled still, 
 
 As, twixt the skeeters and hotels 
 Which has the longest bill. 
 
 Her face was happy, 
 His face was stern; 
 
 Her hand was in his'n, 
 His'n was in her'n. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 167 
 
 He took her hand, "Oh, pray be miner' 
 
 ''Not much!" said Bess. 
 ''May I," he meekly asked, "be thine?" 
 
 She answered, "Yesl" 
 
 There are no thornless roses, ^"^^^ 
 There's fuzz on all the peaches. 
 
 And every time a banquet's given, 
 There's bound to be some speec|ps%^ 
 
 ^.^-^^^ 
 
 Ther^oney TsTanil season's here. 
 With barkers barking louder 
 
 About the beerless glass of beer 
 And plate of clamless chowder. 
 
 Now doth the boy steal forth to tap 
 The maple trees with joy; 
 
 Meanwhile the farmer, flail in hand, 
 Steals up and taps the boy. 
 
 He drank, chewed an' smoked an' wus 
 likewise profane; 
 
 He got angry on small provocation, 
 So he give up the job of reformin' hisself, 
 
 An' went in fur reformin' the nation. 
 
 When Phyllis prowls among my books. 
 
 To borrow some of them. 
 She bears away, with saucy looks. 
 
 Those volumes I condemn. 
 
i68 LIMERICK LYRICS, 
 
 The merry cockroach swallowed up 
 
 The editor's new paste 
 And murmured, ^^It is nice to have 
 
 A literary taste." 
 
 Now comes the question which will make 
 
 This life a bitter cup. 
 How many hoopskirts will it take 
 
 To fill a horse car up? 
 
 There was a young woman named Han- 
 nah, 
 
 Who put on a great many airs, 
 She stepped on a peel of banana, 
 
 And now she's laid up for repairs. 
 
 I find no trouble in kissing girls 
 
 Of three and thirty-three; 
 But bridging the chasm between the two 
 
 Is the hardest part for me. 
 
 Willie had a little ram 
 
 With fleece as white as snow, 
 
 And everywhere that Willie went, 
 That ram had helped him go. 
 
 Alas, for all their ecstasy, 
 They knew not what was best: 
 
 The young man reached the front door, 
 The old man did the rest. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 169 
 
 It quite shocked the town when it came 
 to the ears 
 Of the people — with other queer ru- 
 mors then rife — 
 That a messenger boy who had lived in 
 their midst, 
 Has been found to be leading a very 
 fast life. 
 
 Of course, detectives needful are 
 There plotting ones to rout; 
 
 But tailors, as a rule, are best 
 For finding people out. 
 
 The sunshine warm and budding trees, 
 Made Johnny feel quite gay. 
 
 He went to swim — the obsequies 
 Are being held to-day. 
 
 She went to see a tragedy, 
 
 But showed no sign of pity; 
 She smiled and smiled the whole way 
 ykrough, 
 
 BeC5trre her teeth were pretty. 
 
 A skater went forth to skate on thin ice, 
 
 Close by was a sign reading, ^^Danger.^' 
 He heeded it not, but went skating right 
 on, 
 And in heaven there soon was a 
 stranger. 
 
I70 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 ^^They say I am a wit," quoth she, 
 ^^Yet spinster I have tarried; 
 
 The girl who's quick at repartee 
 Seems slow at getting married." 
 
 He took the small boy to the shed 
 For a spankety, spank, spank, spank! 
 
 And the words that the urchin sadly said, 
 Were blankety, blank, blank, blank. 
 
 *^Alas! how minutes fly!" cried he, 
 Who seemed so loath to quit the spot. 
 
 She yawned a bit, and said, ^^Ah, me! 
 Alas, likewise, how you do not." 
 
 The rain, though raining every day 
 Upon the just and unjust feller. 
 
 Falls chiefly on the just, because 
 The unjust takes the umbrella." 
 
 He got his daughters off his hands, 
 And thought the job complete, 
 
 But since they're wed he's had to keep 
 Their husbands on their feet. 
 
 A queen was she — the beautiful maid — 
 Beauty or wealth she did not lack — 
 
 But the game was euchre that Cupid 
 played. 
 And the Queen was won by a Jack. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 171 
 
 ^^One swallow does not make a summer,'^ 
 
 A long-forgotten poet sings, 
 But I have seen a small grasshopper 
 
 Make half a dozen springs. 
 
 The fate of Lot's wife 
 Was all her own fault; 
 
 She first turned to ^^rubber,'^ 
 And then turned to salt. 
 
 Her teeth were even and pretty, 
 She had never a dentist's bill, 
 
 And that I now know is the reason 
 Her bright smile haunts me still. 
 
 The mosquito has departed, 
 His busy nights are o'er; 
 
 He was, to say the very least, 
 A most persistent bore. 
 
 Simon Jones has passed away 
 And gone to greater joys. 
 
 He leaves behind a yoke of steers, 
 Six hogs, and twenty boys. 
 
 ^^Take courage, man! don't droop and 
 sigh. 
 
 And your lone state deplore; 
 'Tis true, I have a dozen beaux; 
 
 Yet I have room for ^Moore.' " 
 
17^ limerick' lyrics. 
 
 She is a maid of really perfect figger, 
 As fine a soldier as pulls a trigger — 
 And yet as she's an Indian — tribe of Dig- 
 ger— 
 I'll wed her not, 'twould scarcely be de 
 rigger. 
 
 A human heart is like unto 
 A buckwheat cake, for when 
 
 'Tis once grown cold, it will not do 
 To warm it up again. 
 
 ^When I awaken in the morn, 
 I'm sad, I must confess. 
 
 To think that ere I can go out 
 I must get up and dress." 
 
 Our neighbors — well, they're hard to 
 
 beat. 
 I hate to make complaint. 
 But half the people in our St. 
 Would aggravate a St. 
 
 He owned a gun — in it he blew — 
 The gun went off, and he did to. 
 
 The clerk now stands with eyes agog, 
 
 And shaking at the knees, 
 'Cause Mrs. New Wed asked to see 
 
 ^^A weather-bureau, please." 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 173 
 
 Little Bo-Peep she lost her sheep, 
 And sought for them everywhere; 
 
 Till the sheep she prized she found dis- 
 guised 
 As ^^Lamb" on a bill of fare. 
 
 The reason none can understand, 
 
 But examples there are in plenty — 
 One pound is the weight of the fish you 
 land, 
 And the fish that escaped weighed 
 twenty. 
 
 Her hair is like the finest gold 
 That ever has been mined; 
 
 But, oh! alas for her, it is 
 The twenty carrot kind! 
 
 How pure and good 'twould make the 
 world. 
 The millennium we soon would see, 
 If fathers would but be themselves 
 As good as they think their sons should 
 be. 
 
 ^^Here lies poor Sam : and what is strange, 
 Grim death has worked in him a 
 change — 
 
 He always lied and ahvays will, 
 He once lied loud and now lies still/' 
 
17+ LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 'Tis well man's wants, as such things gOj 
 Are modest. Here's the test — 
 
 Man wants but little here below; 
 And woman wants the rest. 
 
 He saw her standing 'neath the mistletoe, 
 And in the twinkling of an eye — alack I 
 
 Her head upon his shoulder lay, and lo? 
 Her golden hair was hanging down his 
 back. 
 
 To get our names straight I have striven, 
 But the problem seems accursed; 
 
 One's ^^first name" is the last he's given, 
 While the ^4ast name" is the first. 
 
 He's never seen Niagara, 
 
 But oft at I o'clock, 
 When coming home from his saloon, 
 
 He's seen the table rock. 
 
 It takes nine tailors to make a man. 
 But the world has not yet learned 
 
 How many are in the construction 
 Of the tailor-made girl concerned. 
 
 Mother looks over the wardrobe neat, 
 With its various fluffs and frills ; 
 
 The girls look over the list of ads, — 
 And father looks over the bills. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 175 
 
 Mary had a Persian lamb; 
 
 Ids fleece vas round her neck; 
 Her papa had a leedle fit 
 
 Because he wrote der check. 
 
 Soon will the busy little fly 
 Improve each shining hour 
 
 In spoiling just as many naps 
 As come within his power. 
 
 What contrast when she went to swim' — 
 
 In grief his face he hid — 
 'Twixt what he thought she'd look to him 
 
 And what she really did. 
 
 The Devil's a pretty good fellow, 
 In spite of his sins and his fall; 
 
 He says, and his accents are mellow, 
 He's a warm spot at home for us all. 
 
 When Cupid starts one thinking 
 
 Of kissing to be done, 
 Ah, then, two heads are better—^ 
 
 Oh, better far than one. 
 
 One's attitude toward prices higW 
 Depends, the truth to tell, 
 
 On whether he is out to buy, 
 Or if he fain would sell. 
 
176 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Mary had a little lamb 
 
 Inclined to press the button; 
 
 The butcher did the rest, and now 
 That little lamb is mutton. 
 
 ^^A burnt child dreads the fire," 
 
 Said Cholly unto James; 
 ^^ 'Cause, when you're married, doncher- 
 know. 
 
 You're scared of bygone flames." 
 
 He loved her so he said he could 
 
 Forever keep awake. 
 But now at midnight, with those twins 
 
 He sees his great mistake. 
 
 Our language is a funny one. 
 Who ever saw a mummer mum? 
 
 And then again before I'm done, 
 No drunken plumber can be plumb. 
 
 ^^ust change and rest," said Dr. Strange, 
 
 I put it to the test. 
 Hotel men got most all my change, 
 
 The waiters got the rest. 
 
 Hot rage in his face was glowing 
 As he up from his writing rose: 
 
 ^^That piano is always going," 
 He cried, ^^but it never goes," 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 177 
 
 Said Ralph to his tutors, with wondering 
 
 eyes, 
 *^How you spring so high, sir, I cannot 
 
 surmise." 
 *^Oh, that, my friend, I can easily show, 
 'Tis because I have on my spring suit, 
 
 don't you know." 
 
 ^^Me eyes is crossed," sighed Kate. ^^No, 
 love, 
 
 ^^Not crossed," cried Pat. ^^Be jaber, 
 'Tis jist that aich is jealous of 
 
 The beauty av its neighbor." 
 
 They sat for hours by the sea 
 Yet flirted not, and then. 
 
 The reason I found out to be. 
 That both of them were men. 
 
 'Twas Catherine Mary once, we guess, 
 
 Though now 'tis Kathryn Mae. 
 Styll thys is no one's busyness 
 Styll thys ys no one's busyness 
 If she lykes yt that wae. 
 
 To a pupil who lisped a teacher once said, 
 ^^Sally, can you give me a rhyme for 
 month?" 
 
 Said Sally, instanter, tossing her head: 
 ^Thirtenly, thir, I can do it at wunth." 
 
178 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 'Twas on the cheek I kissed her, 
 She made resistance weak; 
 
 But murmured as she felt my lips, 
 ^ Well, I think you have the cheek." 
 
 If Mary had a little lamb, 
 
 As poets oft declare, 
 Lamb was the most expensive dish 
 
 Upon the bill of fare. 
 
 ^^Mary's papa has a goat 
 He found it in the gutter, 
 
 Though pop is often out of bread, 
 He always has the butter." 
 
 He takes two weeks' vacation. 
 He starts away with glee, 
 
 When he gets back he is so tired, 
 He's glad it wasn't three. 
 
 The maiden blushed and hung her head, 
 ^What do you take me for?' she said. 
 
 The young man spoke up eagerly, 
 "For better or for worse," said he. 
 
 The fare they give us where we board 
 Suggests such thoughts as these : — 
 
 If "the pen is mightier than the sword," 
 What's mitier than the cheese? 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 179 
 
 IVe studied much these Roman chairs 
 And still I'm somewhat in the dark, 
 
 If these were all the chairs they had, 
 How, pray, did fond young Romans 
 spark? 
 
 Crabs drink but water; hotter stuff 
 
 Like whiskey not a sip ! 
 But if you press them hard enough 
 
 They're apt to take a nip. 
 
 I raved about a girl so fair. 
 Who wore a head of sun-kissed hair. 
 
 But I was never in the race — 
 
 The son she liked best kissed her face. 
 
 We're all often forced to rob Peter 
 In order to settle v/ith Paul, 
 
 But some of us merely rob Peter 
 And Paul never sees us at all. 
 
 Her lips were uplifted. 
 She leaned on his breast, 
 
 Her head touched a button, 
 And he did the rest. 
 
 He who courts and goes away. 
 May court again another day; 
 
 But he who weds and courts girls still 
 May go to court against his will. 
 
i8o LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 When a woman a secret has to keep, 
 And proud she is to show it, 
 
 Naught makes her madder than to find 
 That no one wants to know it. 
 
 The kerosene can on the mantel reposes. 
 Its contents were sprinkled all over the 
 fire, 
 And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue 
 knows is, 
 This dull world has changed for a 
 sphere that is higher. 
 
 ^^Don't give up the ship!" the noble cap- 
 tain cried — 
 As with trembling lip I hastened to the 
 side. 
 Mighty good advice; yet, if I have fol- 
 lowed it, 
 This reason must suffice — that I hadn't 
 swallowed it. 
 
 He said the gown of clinging fit 
 His wife wore was beyond all reason. 
 
 She said she thought so, too, as it 
 Now clung to her the second season. 
 
 Maid of Athens, ere we part, 
 Give, oh, give me back my heart; 
 
 In America I'll press my suit. 
 And get a goodly wad to boot. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. i8i 
 
 One leap-year eve he met his fate, 
 She saw him home and lingered late, 
 
 And people smiled who passed the gate— 
 The young man's hat was not on 
 straight. 
 
 Some men are fond of animals ; 
 
 Their hearts are touched with pity. 
 We know a lot who'll sit up late 
 
 To fatten up a kitty. 
 
 As he walked with baby 
 He had to confess 
 
 That marriage with him 
 Was a howling success. 
 
 If t-o-u-g-h spells tough, 
 And d-o-u-g-h spells dough, 
 
 Does s-n-o-u-g-h spell snuff? 
 Or, simply snow? 
 
 ^^You say your head aches? Poor old fell 
 Bah Jove, though, nevah mind it; 
 
 It cawn't be water on the bwain — 
 The water couldn't find it." 
 
 ^ Why weepest thus, my little man? 
 
 What care is on thy mind?" 
 ^^My heart is rent with pity for 
 
 The Alley— it is blind." 
 
i82 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 He was fain to kneel at her feet 
 And there implore his fate; 
 
 'Twas sad to see a man reduced 
 To extremities so great. 
 
 For defying the rainiest weather 
 I've hit on a capital way. 
 
 I eat salt mackerel for breakfast 
 And that keeps me dry all day. 
 
 Of all the tortures known to man, 
 The greatest, we assert, 
 
 Is to wear a fifteen collar 
 Upon a sixteen shirt. 
 
 It is not clothes that makes the man, 
 However fine may be their showing. 
 
 Yet, there are many of us who can 
 Say much is to the tailor owing. 
 
 Then tell us why a dogwood bark 
 
 Is but a catnip tea, 
 And why a man is on a lark, 
 
 When he is all at sea? 
 
 Why is it folks sit this way in 
 The car we miss, 
 
 While in the car we catch at last, 
 We're] ammedlikethis? 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 183 
 
 He bobbed the fly; he had a bite; 
 
 He brought the trout to port; 
 And as he weighed the fish he said, 
 
 ^^By Jove! this is reel sport." 
 
 Mary had a little lamb, 
 As you have heard before. 
 
 If Mary had been hungrier, 
 She would have called for more. 
 
 The hen was cackling in her glee — 
 ^^She lays," her owner gladly cries. 
 
 But in the nest no eggs finds he; 
 
 ^^I should have said," he adds, *^she 
 lies." 
 
 To say that marriage is like war 
 
 Is not exactly sense ; 
 For not until the engagement ends 
 
 Do hostilities commence. 
 
 ^^Since silence gives consent," he said, 
 ^^I kiss you thus, yum, yum," 
 
 And afterwards the girl confessed 
 She felt as if struck dumb. 
 
 Mary put poison in mama's tea. 
 Mama died in agony. 
 Now papa with Mary was really vexed; 
 Papa said, ^^Mary, what next?" 
 
i84 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 He thought he would be shrewd, 
 
 And wed for money, 
 Well, now he is beshrewed — 
 
 Is that not funny? 
 
 ^^Oh, papa,'' cried the pretty lad, 
 As down the rain was coming, 
 
 ^^There's surely something very bad 
 About the heavens' plumbing." 
 
 To elevate the stage or not? 
 
 That's the question ; so be it, 
 Please elevate it ten feet high. 
 
 So all the men can see it. 
 
 iWhen other lips and other hearts 
 Their tales of love shall tell, 
 
 It's dollars to a doughnut 
 She'll ring the chestnut bell. 
 
 Don't you roam — 
 'Less you got ter; 
 
 Stay at home — 
 'Tain't no hotter. 
 
 Mary had a little lamb; 
 
 It followed her each day; 
 Till Mary put the bloomers on, 
 
 And then it ran away. 
 
LIMERICK LYPvICS. 185 
 
 Now doth the busy ant disport 
 At pic-nics over much, 
 
 Invading cakes of every sort, 
 And lemon-pies and such. 
 
 I hadn't a vacation 
 
 This year. I thought it best 
 To get along without it, 
 
 Because I needed rest. 
 
 The overcoat calls 
 When Jack Frost falls; 
 Some are in moth balls, 
 And some are in three balls. 
 
 When she her tiny foot sets down, 
 Opposers find, to their surprise, 
 
 It has immovability 
 
 In inverse ratio to its size. 
 
 Ajax defied the lightning — 
 
 It was an easy bluff 
 He knew for insulation, 
 
 Rubber boots were just the stufif. 
 
 He called her an angel before they were 
 wed. 
 But that, alas! didn't endure. 
 For ere many months had passed over his 
 head. 
 He wished that she was one for sure. 
 
i86 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 The labor of the cook is hard, 
 That fact there's no denying; 
 
 And when she's making cooking lard, 
 No doubt she finds it trying. 
 
 ^^O, may I write a verse to you,'' 
 
 The ardent lover cried. 
 "No need; I am averse to you,'' 
 
 The maiden proud replied. 
 
 Lives of cashiers oft remind us, 
 We should take things as they come. 
 
 And departing, leave behind us 
 Nothing but a vacuum. 
 
 The darling little baby boy presented me 
 of late, 
 I love with all a father's fond delight; 
 And yet the little rebel, quite unnatural 
 to state. 
 Is up in arms against me every night. 
 
 The greed of all our biped clan — 
 One simple sentence tells it. 
 
 The generous cow gives milk, while man, 
 The mercenary, sells it. 
 
 "Posing for Trilby?" he said to her. 
 As he gazed on her shoulders bare; 
 
 "Well, no; not altogether, sir," 
 Replied the maiden fair.^ 
 
 V'^ 
 ^ 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 187 
 
 Her Christmas day was very sad ; 
 
 Indeed, she called it shocking. 
 For she declared that all she had 
 
 Was corns inside her stocking. 
 
 "My papa caught me when I went 
 To swim," said Tommy. ^'Soon, 
 
 You bet, I knew what Shakespeare meant 
 By ^slippered pantaloon.' " 
 
 "The rank injustice of the thing," 
 Said the centipede, "makes me sick. 
 
 Here I am, with a hundred feet, 
 And I can't use one for a kick." 
 
 "I love you well," the stamp exclaimed, 
 
 "Dear envelope, so true, 
 In fact, it's evident to all, 
 
 That I am stuck on you." 
 
 Over the grave of the cannibal king, 
 They inscribed with trenchant pen, 
 
 This epitaph: "Write me as one 
 Who loved his fellow-men." 
 
 The stork is a bird with a great big bill; 
 He brings us the babies whenever he will ; 
 Then comes the doctor, and when he is 
 
 through, 
 You find that he has a big bill, too. 
 
m LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Seated at the parlor grandj 
 She makes a picture fair; 
 
 But when to play she lifts a hand, 
 Oh, let me be elsewhere! 
 
 He used to call her his gazelle, 
 But now she's shocked to hear, 
 
 Whenever she makes known her needs, 
 That's she's a little dear. 
 
 I saw Esau kissing Kate, 
 The fact is, we all three saw, 
 
 For I saw Esau, he saw me. 
 And she saw I saw Esau. 
 
 'Tis better in your haste to state 
 All men are liars than 
 
 To pick out one and designate 
 That fellow as the man. 
 
 She looks out of the window, 
 And sees it rains and blows; 
 
 She's going shopping, so she dons 
 Her prettiest pair of hose. 
 
 She sat on the steps at eventide, 
 
 Enjoying the balmy air; 
 He came and asked, ^'May I sit by your 
 side?' 
 
 And she gave him a vacant stare. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 189 
 
 ^^A word to the wise is sufficient," 
 We're told; yet it's never occurred 
 
 To any wiseacre to tell us 
 Just what is that word. 
 
 In Africa, where sands are hot, 
 We find the lusty Hottentot; 
 And, strange it is, if rumors hold, 
 That, as a friend, he is so cold. 
 
 Seven little missionaries — 
 
 Horrible their fate — 
 Cannibals picked clean their bones 
 
 Then they were ate. 
 
 Soon luckless man will mourn his plight, 
 
 And fate's oppressions rue. 
 And wish that fish would freely bite 
 
 As the mosquitoes do. 
 
 I asked for a kiss and she didn't frown 
 Or give me a glance unkind. 
 
 But she looked at the gas and I turned it 
 down, 
 And then — well, never mind. 
 
 The cat that nightly haunts our gate — 
 How heartily we hate her! ^ 
 
 Some night she'll come and mew till late, 
 But we will mu-ti-late her! 
 
I90 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 Mary had a little lamb, 
 
 Whose fleece was black as soot, 
 And into Mary's cup of tea 
 
 He put his dirty foot. 
 Now Mary was a gentle lass, 
 
 Yet wrath she could not smother, 
 And so she said one little word 
 
 That to the lamb meant ^^mother." 
 
 Without stopping or fears, 
 
 He marched at the head of his noble 
 grenadiers; 
 
 And what is still more particular. 
 
 He climbed up rocks that are perpendic- 
 ular. 
 
 "It's queer, I admit," said Harold to May, 
 
 / "But I'm telling you what I have seen. 
 
 Ask the gardener — William — a minute, 
 
 I say! 
 
 Aren't blackberries red when they're 
 
 green?" 
 
 Jonah was an emigrant. 
 
 So runs the bible tale. 
 He crossed the Atlantic Ocean 
 
 In the steerage of a whale. 
 Now Jonah in the steerage 
 
 Made the whale feel quite distressed, 
 So Jonah pushed the button, 
 
 And the whale — he did the rest. 
 
LIMERICK LYRICS. 191 
 
 Johnny drowned his little sister, 
 She was dead before they missed her; 
 Johnny's always up to tricks, 
 Ain't he cute — he's only six. 
 
 Mary had a little lamb, 
 
 She put it on a shelf. 
 And every time it wagged its tail 
 
 It spanked its little self. 
 
 When I pressed my suit she smiled, 
 All my loving heart beguiled; 
 When she pressed her suit — how rash! 
 Cost me just three thousand — cash! 
 
 ^^One swallow does not make a spring," 
 That's patent to the minds of all. 
 
 But copious swallows surely bring 
 In time, a most disastrous fall. 
 
 We don't like icy sidewalks, 
 They keep us on our guard; 
 
 And so to show our sentiments, 
 We sit down on them hard. 
 
 ^^How much is my bill, oh, landlord? 
 
 I will pay it on the spot!" 
 And the landlord paused awhile to think. 
 
 And murmured, '^How much have you 
 got?" 
 
192 LIMERICK LYRICS. 
 
 We met at the ball, bright shone the stars, 
 'Twas over in one swift glance; 
 
 I was carried away — and so was he — 
 In the college ambulance. 
 
 ^This baby," said the father, 
 As his brows met in a scowl, 
 
 ^^May not be a howling swell. 
 But he's got a swelling howl." 
 
 The milkman took some. ducats from 
 
 The profits of his milk. 
 And with great joy he bought his wife 
 
 A nice new watered silk. 
 
 One thought we cannot well divine- 
 Our nerves grow like an icicle. 
 
 Imagining the crinoline 
 Upon the modern bicycle! 
 
 Why did he cross the Rubicon? 
 
 Why dare its rushing tide? 
 Because great Julius Caesar wished 
 
 To reach the other side. 
 
 Said she, ^^How beautiful is nature!" 
 Said the young man, ^Tes, quite true;" 
 
 Then added, as he viewed her com- 
 plexion, 
 "And art is quite beautiful, too," 
 
 [JUL . 2 !S4e 
 
^5 ^7