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Pippins & Peaches 
 
A cknowledgment 
 
 1 he author thanks The Chicago 
 Record Herald for permission to 
 reprint in this book some of the 
 epigrams which originally appeared 
 in that paper. 
 
PIPPINS & 
 PEACHES 
 
 5^7^ 'Pippins by \£»^j^\y \^ 
 
 MADAME QUI VIVE 
 
 'Peaches by 
 
 PENRHYN STANLAWS 
 
 CHICAGO 
 
 THE REILLY & BRITTON CO. 
 I 9 9 
 
.3*3 
 
 LIBRARY of CONGRESS 
 Two CouiesxKecelved 
 
 MAR 19 1009 
 
 CLASS X XXc, No 
 
 Z3*tl>7f 
 
 COPY B. 
 
 Copyright 1909 by 
 
 The %eilly & gritton Co. 
 
 Chicago 
 
 Jill rights reserved 
 
 Printed at 
 
 3Tf>e <Eaj5lon ©res* 
 
 Chicago 
 
to 
 
 Affectionately dedicated to 
 my sweet daughter, Helena, 
 known to the select many as 
 the "Little Spalpeen." 
 
PIPPINS 
 
 and 
 
 PEACHES 
 
 No matter how bright 
 the day is, you can 
 always find a cloud 
 somewhere. 
 
 Hi] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Every man should have 
 a home of his own 
 where he can at least 
 quarrel in peace. 
 
 Because a man is afraid 
 of his wife is no sign 
 she's a fright. 
 
 [12] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Whenever you hear a 
 man boast that he 
 controls destinies, you 
 can be pretty sure that 
 he is about as impor- 
 tant as the little dog 
 who barks the trains 
 out of town. 
 
 [13] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Love laughs at knock- 
 smiths. 
 
 Woman's intuition is so 
 keen that she can 
 guess everything 
 except the truth and 
 discover everything 
 except facts. 
 
 [14] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Husband: A funny 
 creature who lives a 
 sad life. 
 
 What do we care if 
 beauty is only skin 
 deep? We don't want 
 to swim in it. 
 
 [15] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Bills come quickly, but 
 money always lingers. 
 
 Man is perfectly logical, 
 reasonable and consist- 
 ent. Therefore it is 
 the duty of every 
 woman to treat him 
 with gentleness and 
 forbearance. 
 
 [16] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 You cannot paint the lily 
 and the rose. But 
 Lily and Rosie can. 
 
 When a woman says: 
 "There is something 
 you ought to hear" you 
 may be very sure that 
 it is something that she 
 ought not to tell. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 We have observed that 
 it is the woman who 
 hasn't a figure who 
 likes best to display it. 
 
 Marriage is a simple con- 
 tracT: that sometimes 
 results in a compound 
 fracture. 
 
 [18] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Even though her hair 
 be false a woman is 
 naturally attached to it. 
 
 Considering the sorrows 
 of the millionaire, one 
 must believe that 
 fortune smiles on him 
 only to give him the 
 laugh. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 With romantic young 
 ladies the villain is 
 always the hero. 
 
 Mustn't blame a woman 
 for being two-faced; 
 she has the one that 
 nature gave her and 
 the one that the 
 beauty doctor sold her. 
 
 [20] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 That old adage about 
 beauty being skin 
 deep is pretty thin. 
 
 It is only her first love 
 affair that a woman 
 cherishes. Man is so 
 lacking in originality 
 that all the others are 
 merely duplicates. 
 
"You ought to know her," 
 said Miss Smarty. "She 
 has been abroad and she 
 speaks English." 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 What we want to know 
 is this: If an English- 
 man hits his funny 
 bone how long will it 
 take him to laugh ? 
 
 You can drive a man to 
 a tea fight, but you 
 can't make him drink. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Some people never feel 
 right unless there's 
 something the matter 
 with them. 
 
 Good manners are not 
 found in books of 
 etiquette ; they are 
 written on the heart. 
 
 [25] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Love is a lump in your 
 throat; and the sight 
 of somebody makes 
 it feel better. 
 
 What's the use of cul- 
 tivating soul beauty 
 when a blonde lady 
 in a soubrette hat can 
 casl you in the shade? 
 
 [26] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 The nearer you get to 
 other folks' troubles, 
 the smaller your own 
 appear. 
 
 Why shouldn't a woman 
 take money from her 
 husband's pocket ? 
 She is merely working 
 a bad example. 
 
 [27] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 We have noticed that 
 most people never 
 talk poverty until they 
 get money. 
 
 We all love that for 
 which we work hard- 
 est and prize it most 
 when we don't get it. 
 
 [28] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Life isn't perfedt unless 
 one has a few priva- 
 tions to enjoy. 
 
 It's not unusual to find 
 individuals with so 
 much wisdom in their 
 heads that there's no 
 space left for common 
 sense. 
 
 [29] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Before marriage love- 
 making is a recrea- 
 tion. After marriage 
 it is an occupation. 
 Oh, tears ! Oh, 
 grouches and despair! 
 
 Ignorance is stupidity 
 reduced to a science. 
 
 [30] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 There is this difference 
 between gravity and 
 wisdom : You laugh 
 at the first and you 
 laugh with the other. 
 
 Beauty in curl papers 
 isn't even skin deep; 
 it is invisible. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Considering the tone of 
 the modern novel one 
 dare not say that one's 
 life is an open book. 
 
 Love is a butterfly whose 
 golden wings bring 
 summer into cheerless 
 days. 
 
 [32] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Beautifying is a harm- 
 less habit. The dear 
 girls are only preserv- 
 ing peaches. 
 
 We have observed that 
 lazy folk who never 
 go to bed are seldom 
 willing to get up. 
 
 [33] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Anyhow Xantippe 
 never had a chance 
 to give her side of 
 the story. 
 
 n I am so tired I could 
 sleep standing up," 
 said the Lady Genius, 
 " only I am too tired 
 to stand up." 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Woman's jealousy flat- 
 ters a man for a min- 
 ute and bores him 
 for an age. 
 
 The most tiresome man 
 in the world is the 
 one who has read 
 everything and re- 
 membered it all. 
 
 135] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Love is a sentiment; to 
 preserve it is an art. 
 
 It's a pretty mean man 
 who will confess to 
 his faults just for the 
 purpose of depriving 
 his wife of a pleasant 
 argument. 
 
 136] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 There is no disgrace in 
 work, except when it 
 is not well done. 
 
 A woman doesn't have 
 to be thin to go 
 through her hus- 
 band's pockets. She 
 doesn't even have to 
 be small. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Beauty is about the 
 only commodity that 
 is lessened in value 
 by advertising. 
 
 Listen to the chatter 
 of girls and you will 
 decide that while 
 talk is cheap, adjec- 
 tives are given away. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Vivacity is given to 
 woman so that she 
 can more uncomfort- 
 ably endure the 
 gravity of men. Even 
 a feast of reason 
 should not be with- 
 out sweets. 
 
 [39] 
 
Nowadays a woman 
 without artificial loveli- 
 ness doesn't look natural. 
 
Pippi ns and Peaches 
 
 Since you never can 
 get even, it's best to 
 call it square. 
 
 Some people have such 
 high expectations 
 that even their dis- 
 appointments never 
 come up to them. 
 
 [42] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Unhappiness is in not 
 knowing what we 
 want and killing our- 
 selves to get it. 
 
 Rest would be delight- 
 ful were it not for 
 the fact that it 
 makes one so tired. 
 
 [43] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 There is this difference 
 between the girl and 
 the woman: the first 
 knows nothing and 
 tells everything, while 
 the other knows 
 everything and tells 
 nothing. 
 
 [44] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 One does not have to 
 be a business woman 
 to make eyes. 
 
 Father may be the 
 ruler of the family, 
 but mother is the 
 teacher. 
 
 [45] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Fortune shows us the 
 way, but she doesn't 
 furnish transportation. 
 
 To the woman who dis- 
 mantles a fashionable 
 coiffure every night 
 the fall of the Roman 
 empire doesn't seem 
 so much. 
 
 146] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 A gossip is a talented 
 lady who discovers 
 facts that aren't so. 
 
 Aimlessness is not con- 
 tent to go nowhere; 
 it must waste its 
 time coming back. 
 
 [47] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Marry in haste and re- 
 pent at Sioux Falls. 
 
 Better a little love ex- 
 pressed with gentle 
 words and kindly 
 acts than a great 
 love that sulks in self- 
 ishness and silence. 
 
 [48] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 The only political views 
 most women have 
 are photographs of 
 candidates. 
 
 No, Genevieve, the girl 
 with the seven teen- 
 inch waist does not 
 necessarily feel small. 
 
 [49] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Concealing beauty is 
 the cleverest way of 
 revealing it. 
 
 Woman's crowning 
 glory is her hair. 
 With so many falsi- 
 fied locks in vogue, 
 there are many pre- 
 tenders to the crown. 
 
 [50] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Chatter is noisy silence. 
 
 No woman ever con- 
 siders her own re- 
 marks really clever 
 until they reach such 
 a degree of brilliancy 
 that she herself does 
 not understand them. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Laziness is merely a still- 
 life demonstration that 
 the easiest way to 
 work is to loaf. 
 
 None is in such need of 
 advice as the sweet, 
 dear, kind, simple soul 
 who gives it unasked. 
 
 [52] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 There isn't much to 
 some people except 
 their weight. 
 
 Hens should not crow, 
 not because they are 
 hens, but because 
 crowing is a silly, 
 masculine habit. 
 
 [53] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Your close friend is not 
 necessarily a stingy one. 
 
 She is a very dear 
 friend of mine," said a 
 woman, "she is so dear 
 that she borrowed 
 $20 of me." 
 
 [54] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Women talk of their 
 blessings, but they 
 brag of their griefs. 
 
 Man is interesting when 
 he gives his views of 
 womankind, but to be 
 truly eloquent, he musT: 
 talk of himself. 
 
 [55] 
 
Poor husband ! His 
 faults are pegs on which 
 wine hangs her raps. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 No well-trained husband 
 will ever be railroaded 
 to oblivion or side- 
 tracked into a divorce 
 court. 
 
 Literary Note: Mr. Hen- 
 peck is going to write 
 a book called, "How 
 I Feel after Five 
 Years of Moulting." 
 
 [56] 
 
Pippi ns and Peaches 
 
 The most beautiful of 
 all arts is the art of 
 being beautiful. 
 
 It isn't necessary for 
 women to be eloquent. 
 With a gesture or a 
 glance she can tell 
 the life story of her 
 dearest friend. 
 
 [59] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Why worry about 
 freckles? Even the 
 sun has spots on it. 
 
 To the quarrelsome 
 woman the bone of 
 contention is more 
 delicious than pate- 
 de-foie-gras and a 
 stuffed olive. 
 
 [60] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Speeches that relieve 
 one mind usually bur- 
 den another. 
 
 Humanity is made up of 
 shirkers and workers. 
 But how pleasant it 
 is to realize that the 
 shirkers are fat and 
 the workers are lean ! 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Song of house-cleaning 
 time: "What are the 
 wild wives saying ?" 
 
 It is the hallucination of 
 the fretter that the 
 world begins at her 
 head and ends at 
 her heels. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 We wonder why girls 
 are so fussy about 
 their shoes ; they're 
 such small matters. 
 
 We do not object to 
 selfishness. What 
 disturbs us is its low- 
 down method of 
 operation. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Watch for good luck 
 and you will miss it ; 
 fortune is the reward 
 of industry. 
 
 It's easy for a woman 
 to forgive a man, but 
 it is not easy for her 
 to forget to tell him 
 that she forgave him. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 I t's the hair dye you use 
 today that makes you 
 bald tomorrow. Aw- 
 ful thought! 
 
 It's strange that women 
 ever argue when 
 silence and a look do 
 the business so much 
 better. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Never ask a woman her 
 age. You will only 
 encourage her to 
 tell lies. 
 
 The difference between 
 you and other people 
 is that their money 
 looks bigger and 
 their troubles smaller. 
 
 [66] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 A becoming hat gives 
 a woman a tremen- 
 dous interest in 
 outdoor life. 
 
 Conceit is the result of 
 small aims and sim- 
 plicity the outgrowth 
 of great ones. 
 
 [67] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Why fish for deep 
 thoughts in shallow 
 brains? Whales don't 
 swim in puddles. 
 
 Ugliness is as often 
 caused by the misuse 
 of good qualities as 
 by the lack of them. 
 
 [68] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Lazy people have no 
 right to complain, 
 and busy ones haven't 
 the time. 
 
 "Don't be stingy," says 
 the Beauty Doctor. 
 "Give your face a 
 thought." 
 
 [69] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 When a girl has pretty 
 feet her short gown is 
 her long suit. 
 
 There is happiness in 
 life as there is gold 
 in the earth. Because 
 you have not found 
 it is no proof that it 
 isn't there. 
 
 [70] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 It is well perhaps to love 
 wisely; but it is more 
 fun to love foolishly. 
 
 If you hear that a woman 
 is a genius, the news 
 does not surprise you. 
 But if somebody says 
 she can cook, you 
 fall dead. 
 
PEACH IV 
 
 You can't tell by the 
 society buds just what 
 the peach crop will be. 
 
s*h 
 
 tB^s^u 
 
 <y 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Patience is a beautiful 
 virtue and anyone who 
 has not an automobile 
 may possess it. 
 
 There are women who 
 gad so much they 
 never feel at home 
 except when they 
 are calling. 
 
 [74] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Woman's smile is like a 
 maxim; it often has a 
 dozen meanings. 
 
 No cannons roar or 
 trumpet's blast can 
 reach as far as the 
 soft, still little whisper 
 of the gossip's tongue. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 There's only one ghost. 
 He appears on the 
 first of the month 
 and his name is Bill. 
 
 Optimism is the habit 
 of telling yourself 
 jolly falsehoods that 
 may eventually come 
 true. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Motto of some business 
 men: "If at first you 
 don't succeed, fail, 
 again. 
 
 fail — ~ ' 
 
 Let us ask not that 
 others practice what 
 they preach. Let us 
 ask instead that they 
 merely stop preaching. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 When a man learns 
 to poetize on the 
 emotions of his heart 
 instead of prosing on 
 the needs of his 
 digestion the unloved 
 husband will be a 
 novelty. 
 
 [78] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 When a woman marries, 
 her one thought is 
 to make her husband 
 happy. When a man 
 marries, it is to make 
 himself happy. After 
 a time —but this isn't 
 an essay. 
 
 [79] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 The neighbor who gazes 
 into your window 
 usually looks well. 
 
 There are two types of 
 women made from 
 the same mold: The 
 coquette and the lady 
 who puts kerosene 
 on the kindlings. 
 
 [80] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 The girl who draws in 
 her lines is not always 
 an artist. 
 
 When a man hears his 
 wife say something 
 extremely clever he 
 is quite certain that 
 he must have said 
 it first. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 If some people did 
 not know quite so 
 much, they would 
 know more. 
 
 Woman has two weap- 
 ons, argument and in- 
 difference ; the first 
 always loses and the 
 other always wins. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 How disappointed a 
 blush must be when 
 it finds that a stick of 
 rouge got there first. 
 
 If you can't get money 
 from the rich, you 
 can always sell things 
 to the poor who 
 have plenty. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 No woman wears any 
 false hair to speak of. 
 
 You would think that 
 man would be the 
 last creature on earth 
 in which woman 
 would be interested. 
 So he is— first, last 
 and for all time. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Penny wise and pound 
 foolish: the fat lady 
 who buys bonbons. 
 
 You can tell when a 
 woman is thoroughly, 
 perfectly happy: she 
 always looks so 
 thoroughly, perfectly 
 miserable. 
 
Don't worry about your 
 new photograph, dearie; 
 the man can retouch it so 
 it won't look natural. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Big scandals from little 
 gossips grow. 
 
 Whenever you see some- 
 thing inexpressibly 
 ugly on the counter 
 of a shop, you can 
 make a safe wager 
 that some man will 
 come along and buy it. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Some women of thirty 
 don't have to appear 
 old to look like sixty. 
 
 No matter how many 
 mean things you do, 
 you will always find 
 somebody ready to 
 complain about them. 
 
 [89] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Flattery is like soda fizz, 
 sweet to swallow, 
 but very bad for 
 the system. 
 
 Let us rejoice that most 
 of us would rather read 
 the dream book than 
 the dictionary. 
 
 [90] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 No woman is so silly 
 that she doesn't like 
 to be foolish. 
 
 Two classes of individ- 
 uals people the earth: 
 those who make the 
 best of everything 
 and those who take it. 
 
 [91] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Genius needs to be ad- 
 vertised to be recog- 
 nized, but beauty is 
 its own press agent. 
 
 If Fortune ever smiles 
 upon a grouchy, 
 grumbling husband, it 
 is because she thinks 
 he is funny. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Flatterers are our 
 enemies and it is only 
 right and proper that 
 we should love them. 
 
 The only way that a 
 woman can make her 
 family understand 
 that she is tired is to 
 lie down and die. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Have kindness for your 
 friend's faults; she can 
 always find considera- 
 tion for her virtues. 
 
 There are three things 
 a woman can make 
 out of nothing — a 
 hat, a salad and an 
 argument. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Fashions and flirtations 
 grow ridiculous with 
 age. 
 
 Charity begins at home. 
 Don't send flannels to 
 the heathen. Give 
 liver pills to the grouch 
 next door. 
 
 [95] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Life is a crust of bread 
 that love transforms 
 into a banquet. 
 
 Do not value things 
 by their usefulness. 
 The flowers and the 
 dew-drops may not 
 be necessary, but 
 God thought them 
 worth while. 
 
 [96] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Half a loaf is better 
 than no rest at all. 
 
 It's a dreadful thing to 
 be in love," declares 
 Mr. Despairing Swain, 
 "I have a heartache 
 that would fill three 
 hospitals and then 
 some." 
 
PEACH VI 
 
 
 No wonder the world 
 looks gay to lovers; it 
 is laughing at them. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Too much strong talk 
 weakens the best of 
 arguments. 
 
 "Courtship," says Mrs. 
 Matrimonial Failure, 
 "is a barque that sails 
 from the court of 
 Cupid and lands at 
 the court of divorce." 
 
 1100] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Big sisters with tattling 
 brothers say that 
 little pitchers have 
 big mouths. 
 
 How absurd to say that 
 love is blind when his 
 enchanted eyes see 
 beauty and charms 
 that never existed. 
 
 [101] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Egotism is vanity that 
 has read a book. 
 
 In life's calendar there 
 are four seasons—the 
 inspiration of a spring, 
 the joys of a summer, 
 the regret of an 
 autumn and the toil 
 of a winter. 
 
 [102] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 A woman with a bull 
 pup says that her 
 family motto is: "My 
 dog can fite your dog." 
 
 Why distress one's mind 
 with trifles when 
 there are so many 
 important griefs to 
 enjoy ? 
 
 [103] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Some people don't know 
 much and even that 
 they can't keep to 
 themselves. 
 
 "It wouldn't be so bad 
 to have to go to bed," 
 said a little child, "if 
 it just didn't get late 
 so early." 
 
 [104] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 She who fights and runs 
 away will live to shop 
 another day. 
 
 Everything depends 
 upon the point of 
 view, but we have 
 noticed that some 
 people' s point of view 
 is not very sharp. 
 
 [105] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 When it comes to draw- 
 ing on a bank account 
 every woman is an 
 artist. 
 
 Certain popular books 
 lead us to the belief 
 that the unspeakable 
 is not necessarily the 
 unreadable. 
 
 [106] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 They say that Adam 
 couldn't bear rib 
 roasts. 
 
 No, Agnes, a well de- 
 veloped mind is not 
 always the cause 
 of an enlarged pom- 
 padour. 
 
 [107] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 For every beautiful 
 illusion that is lost, a 
 beautiful reality may 
 be found. 
 
 To practice economy it 
 is only necessary to 
 spend a little bit 
 more than your income. 
 
 [108] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Love is blind; he burnt 
 out his eyes making 
 matches. 
 
 Considering the dreadful 
 things that children 
 eat, is it not surpris- 
 ing that any of them 
 live to be human 
 beings ? 
 
 [109] 
 
PEACH VII 
 
 Not every woman who 
 wears a picture hat is in 
 a lovely frame of mind. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Mrs. Bargain Hunter is 
 strong on prices and 
 weak on values. 
 
 "I am perfectly independ- 
 ent," said the Little 
 Spalpeen to her 
 mother. "I have plenty 
 of money of your own." 
 
 [112] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 "I'm no artist," said Mrs. 
 Matrimonial Failure, 
 " but I drew a cartoon 
 all right." 
 
 Do not forget that even 
 the good old times 
 were not so good until 
 they got old. 
 
 [113] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 No woman wants to 
 wear a halo. It's all 
 she can do to manage 
 her false hair. 
 
 Some people never 
 realize they have 
 been married until 
 they are divorced. 
 
 [114] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Friends make us miser- 
 able, but our enemies 
 give us much joy. 
 
 Father Time has the 
 largest family on rec- 
 ord. By the way, 
 where's Mother Time? 
 
 [115] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 It's a good thing that 
 women don't know 
 how smart they are. 
 When they do know 
 the world will not 
 only turn around each 
 day, but it will take 
 off its hat and bow. 
 
 [116] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Money talks, and every- 
 body is willing to 
 listen. 
 
 I am always so busy 
 doing nothing," re- 
 marked the Little 
 Spalpeen, "that 1 
 never have time to 
 do anything else." 
 
 [117] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Trust not the wealth 
 of hair. Often it is 
 counterfeit. 
 
 When a woman loves a 
 man she will never 
 treat him as if he 
 were a stranger— she 
 always treats him 
 much worse than that. 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 I don't like radishes. 
 One bit me once. 
 
 Many a business man is 
 so full of schemes 
 that he can easily 
 lose more money than 
 he knows what to 
 do with. 
 
 [119] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 When "she" is out of 
 sight, "he" is out of 
 mind. 
 
 When the girl next 
 door practices rag- 
 time, we always 
 wonder how the 
 piano can stand the 
 strain. 
 
 [120] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Mathematicians will tell 
 you that figures don't 
 lie— but ask the dress- 
 maker. 
 
 Before marriage a woman 
 is interested in the re- 
 flections in the mirror; 
 after marriage she is 
 engrossed with the re- 
 flections in the mind. 
 
 [121] 
 
 ' 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 If you have a difficult 
 task to do, don't say 
 "Shall I be Able?" 
 Cain killed Abel. 
 
 Fashions are so peculiar 
 that it's a real treat 
 for a woman to 
 be unlovely and com- 
 fortable. 
 
 [122] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 It is a misfortune for 
 a woman to want 
 a confidant, and a 
 calamity if she finds 
 one. 
 
 Woman's most wonder- 
 ful art is that of per- 
 suading herself that 
 she always tells the 
 absolute truth. 
 
 1123] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 A department store is a 
 place where prices are 
 butchered to make a 
 woman's holiday. 
 
 A woman always reads 
 the last chapter of a 
 man's life first, and 
 most of them never 
 get to the beginning. 
 
 [124] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 "Father, may I have a new 
 gown for Easter?" "You 
 may, but I doubt it." 
 
 Why should women 
 be frightened by 
 mice when most of 
 them consider rats a 
 necessity ? 
 
 1125] 
 
Pippins and Peaches 
 
 Beware of the maid who 
 says she knows French. 
 A little knowledge is 
 a dangerous thing 
 when applied to bills 
 
 of f, 
 
 are. 
 
 [126] 
 
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