'•PXTNCH'S BEST.'* [?ric3 25 C3nts. \ #%. ^^\ I ^lUfnUilUM^^ i^Nii/iiif t^! '' PUNCHES'' LABOURS OF HERCULES. ,] WU^ SlUstrnlians. NEW-YORK : ^^ STRINGER & TOWNSEND, 222 BROADWAY.If^g^ 1851. I^^5i*r^^l^^ FRANK FORESTER'S FISH AMD FISHING. THE THIRD EDITION OF FRANK FORESTE R'S Jllnetratclr from Nature bji tl)c QVutljor, HENRY AVILLIAM HERBERT, Esq., AUTHOR OF "field SPORTS," ** WARWICK WOODLANDS," ETC. This Edition has been entirely revised, and much valuable information added, together with THE SUPPLEMENTARY VOLUME, Heretofore issued in a sep irate form ; and Twknty Additional Embellishments, making in all nearly One Hundred Highly Finished Engravings, with A Carefully Engraved Steel Plate of Twenty-four Elegantly Colored Flies, Making the most attractive pictorial vohima that has appeared in this country, "equal in value and interest alike to the Sportsman and Naturalist," und forming a standard work on the subject of Angling. One volume, handsomely bound in cloth, Price $3 00. list nf (emhellisljiiirnts: A Steel Engraving of Twenty-four Flies, Beautifully Colored. Frontispiece — The Mascalonge, Outline of Lake Trout, Head of the Silver Trout, Gill Covers and Dental System of Trout, The True Salmon, Salmon Pinks, Salmon Smolt, The Brook Trout, Brook Trout Fry, The Mackinaw Salmon, Variety Truite de Greve, The Siskawitz, The Lake Trout, 'J'he Salmon Trout, The Masamacush, Back's Grayling, 'I'he American Smelt, The White Fish. The Otsejio llass. Head of the Northern Pickerel, Head of the Mascalonge. The Great Northern Pickerel, The Common Pickerel, The Long Island Pickerel, The Common Carp. The American Roach, The New York Shiner, The American Bream, Minnows, The Herring, The Shad. The Cat Fish, The Eel. The American Yellow Perch, The Striped Sea Bass, The Yellow Pike I'erch, I'he Bl ick B tss, I'he Kock Biss, The J'onmion Pond-Fish, The Cod, The American HadJCh's labours of HEitCULES. *' May it please your Divinity, " Whereas your mightiness in times past, as we are Credibly informed by our reverend chaplain, and divers others, learned men and great clerks, was graciously pleased to pursue, entrap, and catch, a certain Stag, of incredible sv/iftness, golden horns, and brazen feet, and to deliver the same, firmly bound and secured, into the custody of your mightiness's brother Eurystheus : which Stag did crop, despoil, and lay waste the pastures and meadows of CEnoe, to the no small damage and detriment of the shepherds and graziers of that region and the neigh- bourhood. And whereas, now, a certain Buck, or Male- deer, also with horns (to our cost) richly gilt, and though not having feet of brass, yet being of a brazen face ; more- over exceedingly swift, so that no man may catch him, and withal of extreme subtlety, doth, in like manner, nib* ble, bite, and devour, the herbage of a certain field to us appertaining, commonly called the Field of Commerce : We, the undersigned, the Lord Mayor, Corporation, Mer* chants, Bankers, Tradesman, and others of the City of London, in the County of Middlesex, do humbly beg, en* treat, and implore, your mightiness, that you would graciously vouchsafe also to pursue, catch, and entrap the said Buck, and deliver the same, likewise firmly bound and secured, into the hands and custody of our Sheriffs of London and Middlesex ; to be by them dealt with accord- ing to the law in such case made and provided. And your petitioners, as in duty bound, will ever pray." Then followed a host of signatures. Hercules, having vv^ith much gravity and condescension, patiently listened to the above oration, politely requested his lordship to be more explicit ; protesting that he could not, for the life and soul of him, comprehend what he had been driving at. Whereupon, the Lord Mayor being now out of breath, his clerk proceeded in terms rather less enigmatical to explain the object of the petition. He informed Hercules that the Buck complained of was a human Buck, the type or pattern of a genus, and that he derived his name from his outward man, which was what was commonly denominated a "fashionable exterior," that is, the exterior of a Buck. That the brazenness of his face was a metaphorical expression signi- fying its unchanging nature, and indicating singular cool- punch's labours of HERCULES. 17 ness and imperturbability of mind. That the gold on his horns represented booty and pillage, and was intended to distino-uish him from certain other Bucks whose horns were said to be green. That his nibbling and biting in the Field of Commerce meant divers depredations, which, by craft and stratagem, he perpetrated on the goods, chat- tels,- and substance of commercial men. And that his great swiftness of foot related to a remarkable facility of absconding, by means of which, after playing off one of his tricks, he would transfer himself in less than no time to France or America, and that he had a great many dis- guises, military, naval, and foreign : and thus ended his speech. The hero a-fifected for a few moments to be reading over the signatures. He w^as only thinking. Presently, he rose, and having glanced his penetrating aye over the deputation, delivered himself as follows: " My Lord Mayor and Gentlemen, " I shall have much pleasure in acceding (substantially) to your request, and in doing my best to settle the hash — that is t6 say, the venison — of this very troublesome and mis- chievous Buck. You will please, however, to allow me to manage this matter my own way. As to consigning him to the custody of your Sheriffs of London and Middlesex, I can- not undertake to do that, because it strikes me forcibly that the offices of those gentlemen will very shortly be sine- cures, in which case I know you too well to suppose that you will continue them ; so that you may expect, before any long time shall have elapsed, to have no Sheriffs at all." Here the members of the deputation generally ex- changed blank looks, and the visages of the civic dignita- ries — some of whom gave audible grunts of dissatisfaction —became visibly inflamed, which Hercules, not marking, continued — "Now, gentlemen, before I take any measures for the capture of this Buck, I must insist upon a little exertion on your own parts with a view to protect this Field of Commerce, as you call it, from his depredations. I am not going to Avaste my immortal breath in chasing him for some twelve months, perhaps to no manner of purpose, and with the certainty of having to recommence my pur- suit of some other individual of his tribe equally obnoxious with himself at the end of it. You must famish and de- 2* 18 punch's labours of HERCULES. bilitate him, gentlemen ; him and all his kin, and then I will see what I can do for you. And now, attend. How is it, I ask, that this Buck, — or, as I may as well call him by his real name, Swindler, is enabled to prey upon you ? Why — you addle-brained, pudding-pated, turtle-witted. noodles — because you are stupid enough to let him. How is it that you do not recognise him the instant you see him ? Why — and you have been told this before — because 3'our brains are in your breeches' pockets. Do you sup- pose that every rogue has not his name written in his countenance for those who can read ? It repels you from his eye — it disgusts you in his smirk — it grates upon your ear in his very voice. I am a demigod, but with half my wit — which is that of a mere man, I could detect a swind- ler instantly. For instance, there," (here Hercules rose and pointed with his fore-linger to an individual present,) " there is a swindler ! Do you not see the snake, the vul- ture, and the fox branded in his every lineament ? Do you not, I say ?" Hercules paused. Every eye was directed toward the object thus denounced. He was a Jew bill-discounter. The creature looked as if blasted by a thunderbolt. His eyes were fixed and wide open, his face like whitewash, and his tigrinning lips livid as a mulberry. His knees knocked together, and his whole frame shook like a jelly in convulsions. "Vanish, scoundrel!" thundered the hero. The caitiff lost no time in obeying ; and hastening frantically into the street, ran his head against a lamp-post. He was taken up, labouring under concussion of the brain, and having been bled, physicked, and blistered accordingly, turned Christian on recovery, and gave away all he had to a hospital. "There!" resumed Hercules, "I was right, you see. Now all you have to do to become just as good a physiogno- mist as I am, is just to devote a little of that time which you lay out upon your ledgers and day-books to looking about you, studying mankind, and cultivating those Mammon- muddled, dross-defiled, twopenny-halfpenny intellects of yours. And, now, get out with you !". So saying, Her- cules descended from his throne, and catching up his foot- stool, flung it at their heads, which he afterwards belaboured with his club to such purpose, that they speedily beat their punch's labours of HERCULES. 19 retreat. Rubbing their pates, they made the best of their way home, and when they got there, took care to act upon his suggestions. The result was, that the race of swindlers in the course of a few months became quite extinct, — all except one. He had been the great Buck swindler of his day, but he was now become a mere starveling and tatterdemalion. Hercules, in taking a walk one day, caught sight of him through a dusty window, dining at a Avretched eating- house in the New Cut. The hero watched his oppor- tunity; and as the sorry wretch, the shadow of his former self, was "bolting," as Hercules foresaw that he would, without having discharged his reckoning, he seized him, almost unresisted, by the collar. He would not commit him to a jail, well knowing that he would go out a greater rogue than he went in ; and he considered the workhouse too bad even for a swindler. So having given him a wholesome taste of his emendatory club, he put a few guineas in his pocket and shipped him off to Australia. CHAPTER IV. LABOUR FOUETH. HOW HERCULES DESTROYED A GREAT BOAR. Hercules, in putting do^^m war, so far put down mur- der. But murder is multiform. Not to talk of murdering Hamlet, Othello, and Macbeth, or murdering characters in another sense of the term, which being metaphorical mur- ders, break no bones ; there are, or rather there were, anteriorly to this happy era, several varieties of downright, literal, deadly murder. Men, women, and children, were worked to death in mines and factories. Wretches were starved in prisons. And the public was poisoned, as will presently be shown, b)'' the wholesale. The old world was infested with certain evils called dis- eases. We know, though of course no one ever thinks of trying the experiment, what would happen to one of us who should think proper to put his hand in the fire. For we read, in a certain book intended for the instruction of children, that " ignisy'" fire, " urit" burns. But, fortu- 20 punch's labours of HERCULES. nately, we are also further aware that some things are good to eat and others not, and of those which are good, that it is right to take only a limited quantity, otherwise that certain consequences, not essentially in any way differing from the burning of one's fingers, must, of ne- cessity, ensue. So that no individual now dreams of eating turtle, venison, beef, mutton, and vegetables for six ; or drinking champagne, port, sherry, or bjandy-and-water for ten, as, sooth to say, was commonly done in times of yore. Nor does anybody otherwise break the laws of health ; consequently nobody is ill. Diseases were sus- ceptible of relief, and those whose business it was to afford it were called physicians, surgeons, and apothecaries. The ruins of the Hall of the latter, and of the Colleges of the two former, were still standing within the memory of man. The practice of these men consisted, that is to say, it ought to have consisted, in directing their patients what to eat and drink, and how to live ; and withal in giving and applying to them peculiar substances called medicines and remedies. This latter part of their business was the least and most insignificant portion of it ; but our ancestors, with all respect to their memory, were such boobies as to suppose it the principal. They fancied that every disease had an appropriate cure in the shape of some drug or other, which when they became ill, they had nothing to do but to drink, swallow, or use. This mistake of theirs gave origin to another class of practitioners. The physicians, surgeons, and apothecaries lived by the exercise of their calling, that is to say, they were paid (sometimes) by the persons whom they attended. They were obliged to be at much expense and trouble in educat- ing and qualifying themselves for their duties ; whereas the other class was under no obligation of the sort. Its mem- bers had only to invent some substance or compound, and to pay a certain sum which secured the monopoly of it to themselves, in order to go and sell it wherever, and to what amount, they pleased. These persons were denomi- nated GIUACKS. Our revered ancestors were distinguished by a remark- able faculty,^ — a singular width of swallow. This will perhaps have been inferred from what has been said above of their voracity ; but the swallow here intended was a mental or moral swallow, a capacity of gulping assertions punch's labours of HERCULES. 21 Of this, the Gluacks took great advantage. A lie is now a moral monster, a thing we never hear;: we only know what it is from History. In the days, however, whereof we write, lies were " as plenty as blackberries ;" or rather, to use what in this delightful age is an apter simile, as abundant as pineapples. Well ; these Gluacks did lie enormously. You could not take up a newspaper or magazine that was not crammed with their falsehoods. Hardly could you pass a wall which did not display them ; hardly run your nose against a post without their offend- ing it. They stared you brazenly in the face in the broad ways, they sneaked into your notice in every corner. One Quack professed by his infallible specific j;o cure all dis- eases ; another modestly restricted its efficacy, which, how- ever, he vowed was unerring,' to one. Each pressed Styleses and Nokeses, in attestation of his therapeutic miracles, mto his service by scores : and at last it became a well-known fact that whoever could afford to pay suf- ficiently for the effectual dissemination of his lies, was sure to be repaid for his outlay by the realization of a fortune. For our good progenitors gorged these bounces with avidity, to the infinite detriment and dissatisfaction of the regular professors of physic ; and moreover, to the slaughter of whole multitudes, which constituted the species of murder above adverted to. Accordingly, the medical men went to Hercules, to complain to him of the ravages of quackery, which they represented as a terrible bore. Hercules, recollecting his former adventure with the Erymanthian boar, was inquiring about the length of the monster's tusks, when they undeceived him by informing him that they meant a grievance. Whereupon, the hero read them a short but interesting lecture, which he recommended their head man to retail at the next conversazione at the College of Physicians. He expounded unto them the real nature of disease, with the proper principles of treating it, which they pretending that they knew already, the hero asked them why, (and be blistered to them !) they had kept the people in ignorance. They had allowed the public to remain fools, and how could they complain if it became the prey of knavery? Until they purged their own body of quackery, he would see himself at Erebus before he would stir his stumps, or 22 punch's labours of HERCULES. his club either, to afford them the slightest assistance. With this, he frowned, and shook his said club at them in so threatening and awful a manner that they all went down upon their knees and humbly promised to mind what he had told them ; after which, they slunk out of his presence much sadder and wiser men than they were when they came into it. In due time, Hercules set to work to extirpate the evil. His first proceeding was to belabour soundly with his club the unprincipled legislature of the country, which for a consideration protected the Q,uack in the monopoly of his poisonous rubbish. He also distributed an adequate amount of drubbing among the public generally, insomuch, that in spite of the density of their skulls he quickly caused the light of reason to dance before their eyes, even as, when a heavy singlestick alighteth on the crown of a rustic, sparks and balls as of fire do glimmer and flash athwart his retina. And herein he was no respecter of persons, but did as vigorously and unsparingly assault divers Lords spiritual and temporal, county members of Parliament, worshipful aldermen, and respectable burgesses, as the most humble workmen and mechanics. Nay, as the latter, many of them, had been better taught at their various in- stitutes than to put faith in Quacks, he found even more thumping required at his hands among what were then called the superior classes of society. Indeed, some of those who wanted the hardest hitting, were certain ladies of quality, including a large proportion of superannuated Countesses, who had been stupid enough to allow their names to be appended to certificates recommendatory of the ear-trumpet of this Gluack, the spectacles of that, and the eye-snuff or stomach-pills of the other. Nor did Hercules forget the proprietors of various noted journals, who let out the columns of their papers for Q,uacks to publish their lies in them, — but in truth, he dressed and curried them soundly, till they ceased to be the abettors of homicidal humbug. The specific of the Gluack now rapidly became a drug in the market. Whole warehouses were filled with elixirs, carminatives, electuaries, balsams, and real blessings to mothers, large quantities of which were shot on waste lands as rubbish, while some were converted to agricultural purposes. It was found, however, that the vegetable pills punch's labours of HERCULES. 23 and syrups which, it had been hoped, would form useful manure, proved, in consequence of not being vegetable matter at all, extremely detrimental to the soil. However, certain tons of powders, which were principally composed of bone-dust, were used with great benefit in some dis- tricts. In fine, the occupation of the duack, thanks to the club of Hercules, was very soon gone; and the only incon- venience which resulted was a certain increase of popula- tion. It was remedied by emigration to Australia. As Hercules, when he went to destroy the Erymanthian boar, destroyed likewise the Centaurs, so, in putting down the bore of quackery, he overthrew a sect or gang of per- sons of whom the said Centaurs were in some measure typical. For we are informed that the Centaurs were a species of monsters, half men and half horse. Now the persons alluded to were a sort of Gluacks, half-rational creatures and half-jackass, of whom some were termed Homceopathists, others Hydropathists, while there like- wise belonged unto them several of the Mesmerists and Phrenologists. All were comprehensible under the generic term pseudosopher. One remarkable circumstance attendant on the destruc- tion of quackery, was an extreme attenuation of the Facul- ty, which included within itself a very large number of virtual Cluacks. But, however, as a great and correspond- ing decline had taken place in the sum of diseases, there remained quite as many medical practitioners as were wanted, until mankind gradually arrived at their present state of enlightenment with respect to physiology ; and at length diseases and doctors became extinct together. S4 punch's labours of HERCULES. CHAPTER V. LABOUR FIFTH. HOW HERCULES CLEANSED THE AUGEAN STABLES OF ENGLAND. Oxford Street has its " Pantheon ;" Regent Street its " Circus ;" and a club-house in Pall Mall is called the "Athenaeum." In addition to these classicalities of Lon- don, there were formerly The Augean Stables. The original Augean Stables were tenements apper- taining to one Augeas, king of Elis, a country of Pelopon- nesus. They had been occupied for many j'-ears by about three thousand head of live-stock, consisting of goats and oxen, and during all that time had never once been cleaned out ; so that, although externally they bore the appearance of stables, their interior arrangements were rather like those of a pig-sty, and one of a particularly bad style. Perhaps, however, as there were no pigs in them, we had better say that they were a sort of ill-regulated cow-houses ; but whether pig-sties, cow-houses, or stables, they were extremely insalubrious and unpleasant, and ought to have been indicted for a nuisance. Hercules, during his mortal career, performed the astonishing feat of cleansing and dulcifying these odoriferous out-houses in one day, which master-piece of scavengery he accomplished by the simple process of turning the course of the river Alpheus through them. Divested, by this means, of their delicate super- fluities, they were fit, with a little clean straw, for the accommodation of a racing stud ; though perhaps they would first have required a little rose water. The English Augean Stables, which were in existence so lately as the year 1843, were situated in various parts of London. Some were called Offices ; others. Courts ; but the principal were denominated Houses. These last stood on the Middlesex side of the Thames contiguous to Westminster Bridge. Their outside was really very like that of common stables ; the reason of which was, that they had been built up in a great hurry for temporary use, -—the old buildings having been recently burnt down. What may seem .singular, that accident had not in the slightest degree amehorated the §tate of the interior from I punch's labours of HERCULES. 25 which they had derived their appellation. But the fihh in them was moral filth, which is incombustible by material fire. The whooping, shouting-, yelling, hooting, groaning^- and other uncouth and zoological noises which were occa- sionally made in these stables, might have induced the hearer, if out of sight of what was going on within, to suppose that they were really what they seemed to be,— al least that they were mews, or pens, or menageries, where wild beasts and other animafs were confined. Among these sounds there was a very common one which much resembled braying ; nor when, upon being more distinctly listened to, it was found to be articulate, did the similitude disappear. However, the occupants of these edifices were really human beings ; though not a few, in the qualities of their intellect, partook strongly of the asinine nature ; and it was remarked in a celebrated newspaper of the day, that any allusion made to the thistle-munching quadrupeds of the long ears was certain to excite a sort of sympathetic cachinnation in the assembly held therein. Several, from their connection with agriculture, and also from their tastes, habits, and ideas, might fiouratively have been termed oxen ; but the only bulls in the Augean Stables were Irish, or oral bulls, and these were tolerably numerous. Goats, there were none, unless the representative of a Welchman may be called a goat ; but of monkeys and puppies of the biped class, particularly in that division of the stables which was entitled "The Upper House," there was a considerable number. The tenants of the Augean Stables did not live in them always ; they only came there on certain evenings from about January or February until August. The purpose for which they met was that of law-making, — but they made many more speeches than laws. The object of their legislation was professedly the greatest possible happiness of the public at large, but it was really the greatest possi- ble happiness of the individual legislators. When, in early times, they made laws with ropes about their necks, they enacted whatever pleased the tyrant for the time being — thus judiciously saving their own bacon : and lat- terly, when they began to be subject to "pressure from without," they consulted the public good just as far as 3 26 punch's labours of hercules. they were obliged, 9 nd no further; allowing justice and benevolence to be squeezed out of them by instalments, to an amount exactly proportioned to that pressure. They were divided into two principal classes, who dif- fered theoretically about matters of government, but were cordially united on the principle of taking care of them- selves. There was a third and small party whose aim was to promote the national welfare, but those who composed it were scouted. It will now be seen that the legislation in the Augean Stables was very dirty work ; and, the place not having been cleaned out since its foundation several centuries back, (though an abortive attempt with that view was made in •1830,) that the accumulation of filth there must have been prodigious. This chiefly consisted of foul and sordid Acts, which, therefore, instead of being wholesome and salutary, ■as such Acts ought to have been, were grievously the reverse, to the infinite scandal and offence of ail rightly constituted noses. The other places which were likewise denominated Augean Stables, were also in a very disgraceful state. The various Courts were defiled with injustice: and one in particular, yclept the Court of Chancery, was so over- laden with rascality that it was called in bitter irony the Court of Equity. Of the OfRces, those termed Police Offices were full of partiality and oppression, and those which belonged to the Government, besides swarming with a sort of locusts, caterpillars, and other vermin, who preyed on the vitals of the country, were replete with fraud and humbug. Such were the delightful dens, which Hercules, by way of parallel to his former achievement, found it his vocation to clean out. Of course it will be supposed, that as of yore he turned the river Alpheus through the stables of his Majesty Augeas, so did he divert the Thames through those of the British sovereign. It is not certain that he had not at first some idea of so doing, the principal stables being commodiously situated for this purpose, and the creatures within them as richly deserving a drenching as did the cattle and "creeping things" which did not go up into Noah's Ark. But there were two objections to this plan ; first, that a great many of the said creatures were — if there be any truth in a certain proverb — exempt from punch's labours of HERCULES. 27 a watery death ; and secondfy, that to direct that stream through all the stables, some of which lay dispersedly, was physically impossible. But there was another stream which was capable of swamping them all, and he availed himself of it as"we shall see. This stream was the tide of Public Opinion. How to raise it, was the difficulty, — though it is easier to raise the water than to raise the wind. But heroes make no bones of difficulties, and break a great many in spite of them. And never more potent was enchanter's wand in arousing the strength of the billows, than the club of Hercules. Prospero's was a rattan to it. In fciith he flourished it to some purpose ; but first he therewith hoisted out of the sluggish and stagnant waters of the popular mind all those weeds of prejudice, ignorance, gullibility and selfishness, which had till then kept it a dull toad-pond. And when he had done this, it was a grand sight to see how, first swaying to and fro like an awakened ocean, it gradually rose and swelled, and heaved up its waves unto the sky. For he had stirred it up from the very bottom, whence burst and bubbled up fresh and pure springs innumerable ; insomuch, that it became a vast vrorld of waters. And now Hercules smote it with his club, as whilom Neptune, when he had a mind to brew up a storm, was wont to smite the main with his trident. Whereat, it roared and foamed terrifically, and broke with tremendous force against the black rocks of Interest, Bribery, and Corrup- tion, which were set up to dam it out from the stables. The rocks shook and trembled to their foundations by reason of its violence, and from behind them arose shouts of rage, and unmeaning menaces, and imprecations, and cries of alarm, amid all which a noise as of many donkeys was distinctly audible. Bit by bit, large masses of rock crumbled and fell with an astonishing sound into the gulf beneath ; wherefrom a voice of great triumph, as the voice of many thunders, ascended, rending the air. Nor did the flood, it being now pure, replace with muddy depositions the havoc which it continually made. At last, it having attained to its full height and power, and the rocks having been thoroughly sapped and undermined, Hercules, stand- ing on the shore, did, with one end of his all-potent and magnetic club, attract the huge body of waves unto himself, and then, presenting unto it the other, he repelled 28 punch's labours of hercules. 1 and dismissed it, full flow, with irresistible momentum against its barriers, which it burst, broke down, and bore away in its overwhelming tide, — and then rushing with unchecked course through those sinks of stables, washed off at one sweep the accumulated abominations of ages. And so Hercules cleaned out the Augean Stables. CHAPTER VI. LABOUR SIXTH. HOW HERCULES DESTROYED THE HARPIES. The neighbourhood of the lake Stymphalis, in Arcadia, was infested by certain carnivorous birds whose quarry was the human species. They are said to have resembled cranes or storks ; but the crane and stork are not anthropo- phagous, but fish-eaters, and partial to frogs. The adjutant, or gigantic crane,' to be sure, is piscivorous in a wider sense — with it all being fish that comes to net ; but it does not catch Sepoys. The Stymphalides most likely were immense vultures — if they were any thing at all. What- ever they were, it is recorded in the various Mythologies that Hercules shot them. Now there was formerly a sort of Stymphalides in Eng- land. To what particular class to refer them would puzzle an ornithologist. Their natures- and dispositions were a compound of the raven, carrion crow, vulture, kite, and buzzard ; they resembled the last two creatures, especially in their generous disposition to prey upon the weak and defenceless. They had likewise so much of the heron in them, as a strong appetite for gudgeons ; and as the albatross devours its fellow-creatures the guils, even so did they. They were foul, filthy, cruel, and rapacious. Let us call them Harpies. It will have been divined by the reader that these Har- pies belonged to the genus Homo. So, apparently they did ; though perhaps in reality they were of the class Diaholus ; for they were decidedly inhuman. But their resemblance to the Harpy was, in the majority of instances, not merely a moral one. By far the greater number of PUNCH S LABOURS OF HERCULES. 29 them had that prominent feature of the face, the organ of smell, very like, in conformation, to the beak of the harpy. These individuals were of a certain " persuasion," though what they were persuaded of, except that the grand rule of conduct was to get money, it is not easy to conceive. Besides their nasal peculiarity, they possessed the pleasing personal advantages, of thick, pouting, and everted lips ; and a lozenge-like eye, of the variety termed goggle, pro- truding attractiv^ely from its socket. Their countenances were radiant with a smirk of complacent baseness and self-applauding cunning. . The elder of them were alto- gether shabby ; the younger, dirty and fine. Their names were for the most part those of a certain wise king, of that king's father, and of the head of a particular priesthood ; but these names they generally clipped and abbreviated, as if they were ashamed of them ; although, in truth, they were not ashamed of any thing. The rest of the Harpies had the eyes, nose, and mouth of the Christian, and some of thera actually pretended to that title ; going to chapel on Sundays three times a day, and while there, groaning and loolcing dismal, and calling themselves miserable sinners; which nobody could deny that they were. The prey of these Harpies was twofold. One kind corresponded to that most attenuated of quadrupeds, the Church Mouse ; the other to that remarkably tender bird, the Green Goose. The Church Mouse was an unfortu- nate wight who VvTanted a few pounds on an emergency ; the Green Goose, a young fool with expectations, who would fain squander his fortune beforehand. Necessity placed the Mouse, Extravagance the Goose, in the power of the Harpies. There is an amusement in which our youth often in- dulge, denominated the flying of kites. A species of kite- flying was also practised by the youth of our ancestors, and by others of them. There is this difference, however, between the two games ; that whereas our boys must first have the wind raised before they can fly their kites, kites were flown formerly to raise the wind. Now the Church Mice and the Green Geese where the chief flyers of kites : and thus it was that they became the prey of the Harpies. By certain means, which the Legal Hydra, pandering to the voracity of the Harpies, afforded; the latter were 3^ 80 punch's labours of HERCULES. enabled to despoil the Green Geese and Church Mice even unto nakedness, and plague them afterwards to boot. These means were designated by two cabalistic phrases, Fieri Facias, and Capias ad Satisfaciendum : and by them were effected Execution and Imprisonment for Debt. By Execution, a debtor, with his wife and family, was reduced to destitution and beggary ; by Imprisonment the poor wretch was tormented, and all who depended on him starved. Among the various social phenomena occasioned by these processes, the woman about to become a mother turned shivering into the snow; the sick child expiring on the dung-hill ; the distracted father blowing his brains out — were matters of frequent occurrence. These benevolent contrivances for the benefit of the Harpies, were maintained by the British public out of a tender regard on the part of its members for their beloved pockets, and a modest distrust of their own penetration, which led them to take every precaution against the contingency of being cheated; it never occurred to them that it would be sufficient to- punish the fraudulent debtor as a rogue. Hercules, on beholding the ravages of these miscreant Harpies, was moved to an extremity of compassion and wrath. And when he came to scan their hard, pitiless, yellow, ill-omened faces, and to look into their greedy, mean, and cruel eyes, his celestial ichor so boiled with indignant contempt and hatred, that he could have found in his heart literally to dash the whole brood of them to atoms. He reined in, however, the excess of his ire ; and, leaving the individual caitiffs, with his malison, to go their own way to Erebus, took measures for exterminating the species. Having first placarded the town with notices of his in- te-ntion, he gave a lecture on the law of debtor and credi- tor at Exeter Hall, where he appeared on the platform in' a respectable suit of black and a white neckcloth. He began by complimenting his audience on the singular freedom from hypocrisy which characterized the British nation, and on the conformity of its practice with the code which it professed to follow. The compliment was ac- knowledged with loud cheers. He then enumerated cer- . tain precepts of the code in question, such as those general- ly recommending justice and benevolence, and particularly 1 punch's labours of HERCULES. 31 that which required the forgiveness of debts, and the sur- render of a coat to one who took a cloak ; and he demon- strated the beautiful accordance therewith of the law which he had undertaken to handle. He showed that debt, unless a swindling transaction, was a contract entered into with a risk; and, in case of its unavoidable non-fulfil- ment, how consistent it was with the maxim " Do unto others as you would be done by," to ruin a debtor and consign him to a dungeon. Then he drew so delightfully pathe^tic a picture of the workings of the law with respect not only to the prisoner, but his wife and children, that all the ladies present cried bitterly. To be sure he was interrupted occasionally by murmurs and cries of "Oh! oh !" but on the whole his discourse produced a serious impression, and the majority of his hearers looked grave and thoughtful, as if really a rather new light had begun to dawn upon their minds. He wound up his speech by a strong panegyric upon the Harpies in general, (whom, however, he did not call "Harpies," but " highly respect- able men,'*) and upon the considerate regard of the legis- lature for their interests and well-being. Having con- cluded, he sat down in perfect silence : no one rose to reply to him, and the assembly separated looking extreme- ly foolish. Very shortly afterwards, a grand discovery was made by the sagacious public, namel}', that punishment for debt was contrary to the spirit of their religion. The Harpies now began to yell and scream wondrously, in great trepidation and alarm ■; the rather that Hercules had begun to discharge against them his inevitable and deadly arrows. The wounds which they therefrom re- ceived were so fearfully envenomed, that the wretches swelled up like bloated reptiles ; and became, as it were, noisome among men. They were only^seen to be exe- crated ; their company was shunned like a pestilence, and to such a pitch had the popular animosity against them arisen, that they stood in bodily fear. And now the legislature, galled by the stray shafts of the hero, and overawed by the cry of the people for Right and Justice, at once utterly abolished the laws which maintained them, in being ; and their pernicious and hateful existence was happily terminated for ever. S3 punch's labours of HERCULES. CHAPTER VII. LABOUR THE SEVENTH. HOW HERCULES CAUGHT AND TAMED A PRODIGIOUS WILD BULL, WHICH RAVAGED A CERTAIN ISLAND. Hercules was a bull-hunter of old. It is on record that he captured a wild and very mischievous bull, which laid waste the island of Crete. The Heraclidoe, or descendants of Hercules, had they flourished at a later epoch, might have taken the name and arms of Turnbull ; the Heralds' College, surely, would have had no objection to their doing so. The hero, in his deified state, did likewise catch and tame a notable bull ; bull No. 2. This bull was a bull who made himself very trouble- some in an island contiguous unto Great Britain, forming, indeed, a third of the United Kingdom ; and so powerful was he that he nearly turned it upside down. In fact, this island was Hibernia ; so that the bull was an Irish bull. However, the reader must know that he was positively an Irish bull, in which respect he differed from certain other bulls of that nation. This bull was a very fat bull. He had no horns, (that we know of,) so that he did not gore anybody. Still he was very dangerous. He possessed a marvellous gift of bellowing, whereby he was wont to create frequent dis- turbances in the island, to the perilous excitement of the turbulent part of the population, and the disquiet and alarm of the more peaceable inhabitants. Probably it was on account of this faculty of roaring that he was named the Great O ; that letter energetically pronounced being imitative of a roar. The noises which he used to make w^ere so terrible that they shook the whole island like an earthquake, to such an extent as at times to render its utter disjunction from the sister kingdom a thing to be appre- hended. Hence it v/as that he was also denominated Agitator. He consumed a wonderful amount of provender annually, in the shape of a material which in the language of the country was called Rhint. This provender he obtained by dint of his roaring, which was rather musical to the punch's labours of HERCULES. 33 ears of the majority of the Hibernians, who, to tell the truth, were somewhat of an obstreperous disposition ; but who also expected to derive certain advantages from it, hoping that it would terrify the adjoining country into conceding to them certain rights and privileges, which, as they conceived, it had unjustly withheld from them» They therefore, though they could ill afford it, supplied him copiously with the Rhint, to encourage him to bellow and roar. This bull had a kinsman, whose name was John Bull, who lived over the water, and to whom the hullabaloo which he kept up was extremely annoying. John par- ticularly disapproved of the earthquakes which the Irish bull was occasioning, and looked forward to their possible consequence with much uneasiness. He roared out to him to be quiet ; it was of no use. He roared to those who had the common charge of himself and the other bull, to interfere and keep him in order; they could not, they knew not Vv^hat to do. So that at last he roared out for help to Hercules. Hercules, ever inclined to act as a peacemaker, acceded readily to the roar of John Bull. The hero's intentions becoming known, it was thought by many that he would embark for Hibernia by the first steamer, and instantly proceed to reduce the animal to reason with his club. But upon consideration, he found that whatever induced the Hibernian bull to bellow, there was, as a matter of fact, no little reason in his roar ; at least on the part of those who upheld him therein. For they, for the most part, had been reduced to live on potatoes and salt ; a diet which he felt would, in his mortal state, have made him cry out, or get anybody he could to cry out for him by proxy. And he put it to John Bull, who was extremely sensitive in his own case to the wrongs of the stomach, and whose appe- tite was especially remarkable, whether starvation was not a fair excuse for roaring or causing to roar. It was clear, therefore, to the demigod, that the proper course to pursue in order to tame down this Irish bull would be to relieve, aud thereby to pacifj?-, the famishing population of his country. And now how, he came to ask himself, was it that the Hibernians were fain to live upon the root which the swine did eat ; that Irishmen were re- duced to fare like Irish pigs ? He saw in a moment that 84 PtJJfCH's LABOURS OF HERCULES. it was from the depressed state of agriculture and com- merce ; and. that this again arose in consequence of the absence from the country of those whose presence was necessary to their promotion ; the capitalists and owners of the soil : and here the question naturally suggested it- sfelf: — "Was he to break their heads?" No. It was from fear of having their heads broken that they absented themselves. The country was too hot to hold them ; and now came the grand question, — how was this ? There is a certain culinary axiom, analogically applica- ble to legislation, namely, that "What is sauce for goose is sauce for gander." Now the sister island, conformably to its gender, being representable by gander, and Great Britain, in consideration of its political wisdorn, by goose, it was apparent to the mind of Hercules, that, for goose and for gander, very different sauces were provided, and that gander naturally was highly indignant with her cooks. Hence her inflammatory condition, and consequently in- convenient temperature. Between Hibernia and Britannia there was one especial difference. No man who likes mutton and dislikes beef, will willingly eat beef instead of mutton. Still less will- ingly will he allow beef to be forced down his throat ; and least of all will he willingly pay for the said beef. Now there was, in the times whereof we are writing, a species of theological beef, and a species of theological mutton. In Britannia this diversity of taste was acknowledged and accommodated, insomuch that, in a particular district of the island where veal was preferred,— the other and the larger district being inhabited by beef-eaters, and beef- eating being therein the established system — the use of veal was ratified and sanctioned by law, and men were not obliged to eat beef unless they choose : still less were they obliged to pay for it whether they ate it or not. It had been at one time attempted to force beef upon them ; but they covenanted together against it and kicked it out, and thenceforward they were allowed to eat their veal in quiet. The territory in question was called Scotia— Hibernia had a peculiar appetite for mutton ; indeed she could eat nothing else, and as she was obliged to eat some- thing, she chose that and paid for it. Be it observed, we speak of mutton theological ; for of veritable mutton poor OP HERCULES. 35 Hibernia had little enough. But Britannia insisted. on her feeding- on heef, or, at all events, on paying- for a supply of it. The pocket is impatient of aggression. Men do not like being taxed, whether directly or indirectly, for fwhat they do not require. Hibernia, therefore, took the demand which was made on her of payment for the beef (which she would rather have been without) extremely ill. Nor was this all. The purveyors of the popular aliment, mutton, felt themselves exceedingly aggrieved, partly at the abstract wrong of their customers being saddled with the expense of unpalatable beef, partly because their mut- ton, but for that imposition, would have borne a higher price. They therefore very naturally sided with those who dealt with them, and exhorted them to clamour for "Liberty of Mutton," and "No compulsory Beef," ex- citing the bull also to roar to the same tune. Hercules being acquainted with these circumstances, pre- sented himself with his club before the Legislature of the United Kingdom of Britannia and Hibernia, and said how happy he should be to reduce the Irish bull, in accordance \vith the wishes of the Bull called John, to a state of harm- less domesticity. But he would not budge, he declared, till the homogeneity of the sauce for the gander with the sauce for the goose was established, and especially till the exaction for the repudiated beef was abolished. His de- claration was received with much grunting, hooting, and groaning ; and an abortive attempt was made to convince him that the so-called gander was no gander, but quite a different bird from the goose. Those who made this asser- tion knew very well that it was false ; and there nee(^ed only a very few blows from the hero's club to put them all to silence. But they demurred strongly to the mutton, and insisted on upholding the beef. Mutton, they contended, was unwholesome for the Hibernians. Hercules replied that they would eat nothing else. They urged that beef was the proper thing ; that the benighted creature's did not know what was good for themselves. The demigod answered that beef they would not have. Then they began to panegyrize beef; but Hercules lost all patience, and knowing well that the purveyors of beef were at the bottom of all this humbug, he flew into a fit of divine wrath, and laid about him right and left, till he had drub- bed common sense and rationality into the assembly, when 36 punch's labours of hercules. they at length agreed to be guided by his advice. So the sauce for the gander and the sauce for the goose were identified ; the privilege of mutton was conceded to the Hibernians, and beef was left to their option. And then Hercules went over to Hibernia prepared to take the bull by the horns, and now that he had no further business to roar, to cudgel him soundly should he prove riotous. But the supply of provender, all but an eleemo- synary sufficiency, had ceased ; the creature was tame as a lamb : and allowed himself to be quietly conveyed by the hero to Liverpool, and thence to London, where Her- cules, to show the docility of his prize, having entwined a garland of mingled rose, shamrock, and thistle around his neck, led him thereby about the principal thoroughfares, and presented him on the first Court day to her Majesty the Glueen. CHAPTER Vin. LABOUR THE EIGHTH. HOW HERCULES DESTROYED CER- TAIN MARES WHICH FED UPON HUMAN FLESH. Once upon a time, that time being the mythological era of Greece, there lived one Diomedes, King of Bistonia in Thrace, who was celebrated for his mares ; as well he might be : since the said mares, rejecting corn and beans, were accustomed to eat men. Whether this taste of theirs was innate or acquired, whether it had been engendered by Dioniedes for a physiological experiment, or (for kings' ideas of jocularity were formerly often singular) for fun ; or whether the animals had associated in early youth with hyenas, and had imbibed their propensities, we cannot say. Diomedes, perhaps, was a political economist, who, in order to reduce the surplus population of his territory, occasionally turned out those mares to graze among the paupers, who are more like grass than any other kind of flesh, being not only especially liable to be cut down, but also being continually trodden on. At least so it was while paupers were. No doubt the subjects of Diomedes objected to becoming pasture, and being mown as human hay ; and were not a little rejoiced when Hercules under- punch's labours of HERCULES. 37 took to put down their sovereign's stud. In this under- taking he succeeded ; he conveyed the mares away, first having regaled them on the carcass of their owner ; and turned them loose on Mount Olympus, where they finally came to be eaten up themselves by the bears. Once again upon a time, when Hercules v/as last on Earth, there existed monsters like the mares of Diomedes. These monsters were of the feminine gender ; and they drew a certain vehicle called the Car of Fashion ; we may therefore compare them to mares. Their names were Pride and Vanity ; so that there was only a pair of them and not a stud ; but their appetite was enormous, and their victims were without number. What was peculiar to them, however, was, that they had no notion of the kind of food which they devoured, nor suspected that it was aught but ordinary provender. This singular circumstance arose from their being totally blind, and from their nostrils being continually filled with incense, ofi^ered up by certain idola- ters to Fashion, Avhich impaired their sense of smell: also from their being naturally devoid of taste. For an ordinary mare, fourteen hands would be a con- siderable height ; but these mares were much higher than that ; and those who rode them might have been em- phatically said to ride the high horse ; for a mare is a horse : although the converse of the proposition is unten- able. They were gaily and jauntily tricked out with bows, and ribbons, and top-knots; and their chariot was as of gilt gingerbread beset with gimcracks. Fashion herself sat upon the box driving this chaise and pair ; her brows crowned with a garland of tulips, surmounted with a velvet cap of divers colours, of a conical shape, set about with gems, and decorated with a peacock's feather. Her arms were adorned with costly bracelets, her fingers with rings and jewels, and her person with a vest of glistening satin, displaying all the hues of the rainbow. Her waist was as the waist of a wasp, and she had wings at her back like unto those of a butterfly. Sometimes she sat, holding the reins of her car in one hand and a mirror in the other, in which she regarded the reflection of her own countenance, (the only reflection that she had any taste for,) with an expression of admiration and rapture : some- times she would drive standing on the point of one foot, the other being stretched out at right angles with her body, 4 38 punch's labours op hercules. ' to give the spectators an advantageous viewof her graces, and show them how pretty she looked. The prey on which Fashion fed her mares consisted of young females. She, no less than the animals, was igno- rant of its quality ; she unconsciously occasioned the supply of it : but even if she had known what it was, it is proba- ble that she would not have cared a spangle about the matter; she, wonderful to relate, existing without a heart. The young females whom Pride and Vanity devoured, — we speak not of those fair beings who were eaten up by them in another sense — were the poor dress-makers and milliners. These unfortunate creatures were forced to sacrifice to those insatiable animals their life-blood, 'which was worked out of them by excessive toil, in order to furnish trappings for Fashion and her car. Had they been devoured at once, their fate had been less grievous ; but they were killed by inches, by tortures lingering and slow. Some ached at head and at heart to death ; others were gradually smothered by consumption ; others, in like manner, poisoned by close air, or worried by complicated miseries into an early grave. Hercules, revolving in his mind the evils which infested society, took cognisance of the case of these poor young v/omen ; and being, like all true heroes, a professed champion of damsels in distress, he conceived a strong feeling of indignation against Fashion, her car, and the odious animals which drew it ; and thereupon determined to upset the whole concern. He forthwith proceeded, with his arrows and his club, to demolish this idol of Fashion : so he shot and battered away at her with all his might to reduce her from a god- dess to a dummy. He knocked off the tawdry tinsel of her head-dress, till he had. reduced it to show like what it really was — a mere fool's-cap. He bestowed a hand- some thwack upon her head, that all might hear how hollow and empty it sounded. He drove one of his keenest darts through the place where her heart should have been, to convince the beholders, by her obvious insensibility to the wound, that she was without one. He dashed away her fallacious externals of elegance, and displayed the contrivances beneath them for screwing on this part, puffing out that, ^d transmogrifying the other — that every one might see what a thing of lies and nothingness * PTTNCH*S LABOURS OF HERCULES* 39 she intrinsically was. The more effectually to disparage and bring her into contempt, he also attacked her priests and ministers, the hierophants of fiddle-faddle, who spoke, and sang, and wrote paragraphs in the newspapers to her praise and glory ; till at last " Fashionable Intelligence" became a theme of laughter even to scorn. He then seized Pride and Vanity by the mane, (they had no bridle,) and, stripping them of their feathers and fineries, he bade people look and see what sorry jades they were. And having thus exhibited them in all their meanness to derision, he demanded if it was to be borne that to these vile things should be infimolated youth, and health, and beauty ; that they should be allowed to batten on the agonies, and tears, and wasting flesh, and blood of an innocent girl ? At first his words seemed as foolishness to the delicate votaresses of Fashion, by whose means, unwittingly, the creatures had been pampered ; and they only thought that the speaker was a coarse, rough person, a savage whose delight was to excruciate by his ferocious invectives the refined sensibilities of "ton;" but Hercule"s, by a wave of his magic club, raised before their eyes a panorama of the ghastly wretchedness of which they had been the ignorant cause ; and soon, on many a flaunting cheek, the factitious rose of the paint-pot was merged in the blush of shame. He then (in the most gentleman-like manner possible) applied his magic weapon to their habiliments, when lo ! there ensued a marvel. The snowy cambric became crimson ; the pink satin yellow, like the cheek of sickness ; and the glossy silk dull, like its faded eye. Their finely- strung nerves thrilled with horror; but when the elegant corset embraced the form which it invested with a glow like that of hectic fever, they screamed aloud Avith affright. Another flourish of the club annulled the transformation, and their terrors were relieved ; but conviction had been wrought in their minds, and they tremblingly resigned Pride and Vanity into the hands of Hercules, to be dealt with according to his pleasure. In consequence of the renunciation of Pride and Vanity, a considerable impairment took place of the splendour of " Drawing-rooms," " Soirees," the boxes of the Italian Opera, and Regent-street of a summer's afternoon. The remaining partisans of fiddle-faddle sighed bitterly over this altered state of things, and lamented with much pathos 40 punch's labours of HERCULES. ' the departed glories wherein they had lived, and moved, and had their being-. But to most eyes, Beauty gained more in its adornments of Goodness and Mercy, than it lost in the matter of silk and satin. It will be inquired, what did Hercules do with Pride and Vanity ? Some say that he turned them loose in Paris where they were, after a long time, annihilated by Com- mon Sense. But the more prevailing opinion is, that he sacrificed them to Jupiter. CHAPTER IX. THE NINTH LABOUR. HOW HERCULES OBTAINED A Gill DLE W^HICH APPERTAINED TO ROYALTY. HippoLYTA, Glueen of the Amazons, and afterwards (according to Shakspeare) Duchess of Athens, had a girdle, which was called the girdle of Mars. Hippolyta and her subjects were military and masculine ladies : this girdle, therefore, w^as probably like a soldier's belt ; and her Majesty when she wore it must have looked very much like Mr. Listen as " Moll Flagon." The ninth labour imposed upon Hercules by Eurystheus, was to get possession of this accoutrement for his daughter Admeta: a service of danger ; for every individual of the Amazons was a regular Joan of Arc, or Maid of Saragossa; and they were regarded as the Invincibles of their day. How- ever, Hercules got the girdle. There was also a certain girdle with which the Sovereign of England, whether king or queen, was invested as the Head of the Executive. For a royal cincture it was a very unpretending looking thing. It was no silk or satin sash, embroidered, studded with gems, and fastened with a gold buckle. No. It was just such a girdle as a friar might have worn; in fact it was made of hemp. And it is proper to state, that the monarch only w^ore it in theory ; for whatever difference of opinion may have existed as to its utility, no one would have regarded it as ornamental. Strange to say, however, it was actually worn occasionally by the subject, though never more than once by the same punch's labours of HERCULES. 41 individual ; and it then served not for a girdle, but for a necklace. This girdle, also, may be said to have been the girdle of Mars, for Mars was the god of hangmen. In a word, it was — the Halter. Hercules, who looked at the world and events with the eye of the mind, went one day to the Court of Bucking- ham Palace. Around him were rank, splendour, and beauty. Uniforms, orders, stars, crosses, feathers, were glowing, glittering, waving about on every side. Eyes, brighter than the diamonds which encircled the brows above them, were radiating in all directions. Perfumes loaded the air. On her throne, pre-eminent over this scene of magnificence, sat the young and lovely Glueen of England. She wore, to ordinary eyes, what seemed to be merely the Order of the Garter; but to those of Hercules, it was accompanied by that of the Haher, which he thought exceedingly ugly. He knew that it had not been put on by her own royal hands, nor by the delicate fingers of the ladies of the bed-chamber; that Her Gracious Majesty was not aware that she was wearing it, and that if she were so, she would be exceedingly glad to get rid of it. He therefore resolved to divest her fair form of this unbecom- ing decoration. The Halter was a trapping with which Royalty had been embellished by Law. It was a contrivance for the protec- tion of life and property ; but not having been found practically to accomplish the latter object, it had been, after a long series of unsuccessful experiments, abandoned as far as that was concerned, and was now no longer em- ployed to deter a famishing wretch from purloining a [ew shillings, or feloniously walking off with a lamb. It was still resorted to, however, as a preventive against murder, on that truly homoeopathic principle, " Similia similibus curantur;" whereon " one fire burns out another's burn- ing." But Legislation and Quackery were closely akin in those days. All that Hercules had to do, was to procure ihe repeal of the enactments which maintained the Halter. But this was no easy matter. The Halter had many friends and supporters who considered it essential to the existence of society. Some of them venerated it as an ancient and time honoured appendage to the glorious constitution ; 4* 42 PUNCH S LABOURS OF HERCULES. and not a few regarded it with interest as a property ap- pertaining to the tragic drama of life, the decline of which, they, in their hearts, would have been sorry to behold. So the hero, in the accomplishment of this labour, encoun- tered much opposition. Among the articles of the popular creed, was one which inculcated the duty of returning good for evil, and which distinctly repudiated the maxim of " An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth." Hercules demanded what dif- ference there was between morality for the mass, and morality for the individual ? The answer which he re- ceived was, "A g-Qod deal;" and no other, with the hardest blows of his club, could he hammer out of the respondents. Instead of replying to his questions, they assailed him with abuse ; calling him a profane person, a subverter of the established order of things, a mawkish sentimentalist, and other names. '* Well done, my fine fellows," cried Hercules, "rally around the Halter." Whereat, they howled and yelled, and hooted at him the louder. Then Hercules changed his tone, and affecling to be convinced that he had been in error, began to sing the praises of hemp, which he asserted to constitute the cord which held the community togfether, but for which man- kind would instantly set about cutting each other's throats. " Talk of the bond of Charity I" he would exclaim ; " pooh ! the noose — the noose is the thing !" But neither would people admit of this doctrine, and they indignantly asked what business had he or anybody to use such language as that ? They were not beasts of prey, they said, lions, tigers, hyasnas, but men — Christians. " Then you are not," said the demigod, "deterred from doing murder by fear of the gallows ?" They replied, " Cer- tainly not." But, they contended, the ignorant and the stupid and the brutal were. Hercules hereupon disguised himself as a recruiting sergeant, and taking a drum before him, and getting a fifer to precede him, he strutted forth playing the Grenadier's March. In a moment he had a score or two of ragamuffins at his heels, all ready to list. " Death or Victory !" cried ITercules. " Hurrah !" shouted the rabble. " Thirteen pence a day, my lads, safe!" he exclaimed. Again they cheered. " Who cares for the chance of a bullet !" " Not PrNCH S LABOURS OF HERCULES. 43 we ! We should think not ! Bullets ! Ho, ho !" roared the populace with scorn. "Get along with you, you vaga- bonds," said the hero, dispersing them with his club. " So much, gentlemen, for the fear of death." But John Bull was a strong-minded fellow. He was not to be laughed out of his convictions — not he ! Her- cules, however, resolved to persevere. Accordingly he gave a grand banquet, whereunto he invited the Ministers, several of the Judges, a Bishop or two, a large number of ladies of title, and all the most distinguished personages in the world of Fashion, of Science, and Literature. A hero was always able to command good society — particu- larly if he gave good dinners ; so they were very glad to come. Dinner being ended, and the cloth removed, Her- cules rose, and requested his distinguished guests to allow him to call their attention to a toast which he was about to propose — the health of a gentleman present, to whom, he had no doubt, they would feel extremely happy to do that honour : a gentleman whose important services to the state, (he hoped no one present would ever require them,) per- formed under the most trying circumstances, entitled him to public gratitude, and particularly to the thanks of. all those who were concerned in the administration of Justice. He had that gentleman now in his eye. Here the looks of the illustrious assembly were all directed to the quarter indicated by Hercules, where, next to a young and beautiful countess, sat a short, squat, burly man with a flat head, coarse features, and sunken eyes, who had been till now unnoticed by any one ; or, if he had, had passed for some stupid nobleman. "I beg," continued the illustrious demigod, "to propose the health of Jack Ketch." A scene of the utmost confusion instantly ensued. The young countess screamed and fell down in a fainting fit. A universal exclamation of horror and disgust broke forth, and an expression of indignation and loathing sat on every countenance. The ladies turned pale ; the noble lords looked ferocious ; the Judges frowned, and the meek eyes of the Bishops flashed, fire. Hercules, with well-feigned astonishment, protested that he did not know what was the matter. A noble Duke there present, begged respectfully to ask. the distinguished demigod whether he considered such 44 punch's labours of HERCULES. conduct on his part fit and proper, and hospitable treat- ment of his right honourable, and reverend, and illustrious guests ? " Such conduct as what ?" answered Hercules. "Nay, really," said his Grace, "I nnust beg- your Mightiness's pardon ; but look at that person." And he pointed to Jack Ketch, who returned the compliment with an ominous leer. "Well!" replied the hero, "is he not a man and a brother ? Have you not enacted that if no hangman can be found, the sheriff is to perform his part ? Why may not Jack Ketch be a respectable man ?" "I do not," said the Duke, " object to his station in life, being quite aware that to a divine understanding, such as that of your Mightiness, all men are equal: but to ask us to dine with the common hangman !" "The common hangman!" said Hercules. "What then ? Has the accessory any right to be ashamed of his principal? You, all and each of you, who uphold Jack Ketch, are his accomplices. The fairest lady among you who would continue him^ in his ojfhce, lends a hand to tighten the noose which throttles a fellow-creature." " A — h !" screamed all the ladies in unison. " And now is it not too bad of you," continued Hercules, " to impose a participation in this man's deeds upon your very Sovereign, — to force the Royal hand, b}'' its signature, to the death-warrant, to become the priinuin mobile in the work of butchery ?" They had nothing to say in reply. " Get out," said Hercules to Jack Ketch ; " we have now had enough of your company. Well, good people, what say you ? Will you consent to relieve Royalty of this elegant, this Christian ornament, the hempen girdle, and to resign it into my custody ?" They now saw the force of the arguments of Hercules ; and shortly afterwards an Act of Parliament was passed for dispensing in future with the services of Jack Ketch, and for the everlasting disuse of the Halter, which the Head of the Executive gladly resigned into the hands of Hercules, who formally made a present of it to Punchy to perpetuate, in the execution of Jack Ketch, the memory of his triumph over legal homicide. punch's labours of HERCULES. 46 CHAPTER X. LABOUR THE TENTH.~HOW HEKCULES DESTROYED THE MONSTER MAMMON AND HIS WHOLE HERD. It has been said that Christianity overthrew the wor- ship of demons. It was some time in doing so, however; for, to say nothing of the devil Moloch, or War, whose destruction by Hercules we have already commemorated, the devil Mammon, so late as the middle of the nineteenth century, was adored throughout the world, but especially in Great Britain. To Mammon, as well as to Moloch, were sacrificed human victims ; and the larger share of them, perhaps, v/as immolated to the former fiend. They were deprived of life, not by the summary processes of throat-cutting, shooting, and stabbing, amid fire and smoke, and the thunder of cannon, and the roll of drums, and the braying of trumpets, but by the slow and silent operation of dis- ease, wretchedness, and hunger. Thus, though Moloch, of the two devils, could boast of the finer festivals, the more exquisite banquet of agony was spread for Mammon. Demons were fond of inhabiting the human body. Mammon was frequently to be seen incarnate ; and he assumed various forms. Sometimes he appeared in the shape of a lean withered old man, but more generally in that of a round bloated monster, with a big belly. His cheeks were fat ; hfs chin pendulous ; and pimples of carbuncular appearance garnished the end of his nose. His eyes were dull and leaden, and the line of his mouth was that of a smile reversed ; so that he had a peculiarly forbidding look. He most commonly wore an ample blue coat with brazen buttons, a waistcoat of black or buff, with a white neckcloth and shirt frill, and loosely-made trousers of drab, together with gaiters of the same. Oftentimes was his hair powdered ; and not unfrequently was he to be seen with a pair of pocket spectacles depending from his neck by a black ribbon. He seemed, as it were some- what knock-kneed ; and he usually carried his hands in his breeches pockets. Beast as he looked, and devil as he was, people were very civil to him wherever he went, 46 punch's labours of hercules, for he did not show his tail ; his square-toed shoes con- cealed his hoof; and he bore the semblance of a respect- able man. Mammon had a herd of slaves, who mostly looked very much like himself. They did him service as priests, sell- ing him their own souls, and providing his altar with daily victims, of whose necessity they took advantage to work them to death. Various were the scenes of this butchery ; but the principal of them were the loom and the mine, which latter was very appropriate, demons being sub terraneous in their habits. Often in mephitic vapour, oi the Tartarean atmosphere of a fire-damp, would the foul fiend hover over his victims in the crannies of the coal pit, and regale his malignant eyes with their pale, wan looks, their haggard features, and distorted limbs, and his fell ears with their groans, and sighs, and struggling breath. Often, also, in the close, crowded, and unwholesome factory would he revel in alike treat; further gratified, in either situation, by the swearing, cursing, ill words, filth, ruffian- ism, and profligacy, engendered by the circumstances of their lot, among the wretches on whose blood he battened. Another of his favourite haunts was the workhouse, where he glutted himself on the deathbed of the unfriended pauper, worn out by the oppression of his murderous ministers, and on the surrounding fatuity, despair, and anguish of heart, entailed by unpitying Avarice upon the poor. Or he would betake himself to the jail, and there exult in the tears of the captives, lost to themselves and to the world for ever through crime, to which penury, the infliction of their taskmasters, had goaded them. Mammon, furthermore, played into the hands of Moloch ; hunger for gold was accompanied with thirst for blood. He stirred up the nations to war, and his crowning triumph was the slaughter of the unhappy Chinese for the price of poison. Perjury, swindling, iniquitous monopoly, and tyrannous legislation, were also among the works of Mammon. For him the politician turned his coat ; for him was the heart of Beauty self-bartered, or crushed by a compulsory sale to the dotard or the villain. At his bidding did the preach- ers of a religion which bade the forgiveness of debts, distrain for tithes. Gambling, with its deadly fruit of madness and suicide, was an Upas of his growing. PUNCH S LABOURS OF HERCULES. 47 The manifold murders of this fiend Mammon and his herd considered, he may be well said to have resembled the monster Geryon, the son of Chrysaor or Gold-sword, king of Erytheia, whose oxen devoured human flesh. The herd, too, of Mammon, were like unto oxen, seeing that they were, for the most part, very fat, and also extremely stupid. And of aught noble, or refined, or beautiful ; of patriotism, virtue ; of poetry, music, or the arts — they had about as much an idea as the ox. Indeed, they bore an instinctive aversion to all persons who were eminent in those respects; and were never more happy than to see an enthusiast or a man of genius, at whom they were very fond of sneering, in distress. A crowned king, Avho was one of them, said, (he could not talk English,) "Iv beebles will be poets, they moost sdarve." The tenth labour of Hercules was to destroy Mammon, as he had formerly served Geryon, whom the monster re- sembled. He effected this business by a process which probably would never have been divined had the wisest heads in jthe United Kingdom been laid together for that purpose. There Avas a body of men who were principally dis- tinguished by wearing black clothes and white neckcloths. It was their business to instruct the people in certain mysteries, and also in certain matters of conduct. Their doctrine formed a system which was said to be established in the land, and which everybody, particularly the gentle- men in black, professed to believe and to be guided by. People made this profession, no doubt, with great sincerity ; but they were slightly mistaken. The truth was, that they disbelieved, for the most part, in the whole matter, and, what was very singular, without knowing it. For when Hercules charged them v^^ith incredulity, they were very angry ; and asked him what he meant, and how he durst accuse a whole nation, with so many respectable persons in it, of downright hypocrisy ? Did he not know where they went on Sundays? "I do," said Hercules ; "I see your carriages at the doors." They did not like this answer at all, and Avould have called Hercules, as they had done others who had talked similarly to them before, various hard names ; but they stood in awe of his club. Then the hero went on to ask them whether one of the maxims which they acknowledgedy 4S PUNCH S LABOURS OF HERCULES. was not that " the love of money is the root of all evil?" " Certainly," they said ; they believed it, and were ready to swear it. "I think," said Hercules, "you had better swear not at all:" at which remark they appeared not a little confounded. " Come, then," proceeded Hercules, "I will not ask you to sell all your effects, and give the proceeds to the starving weavers ; but suppose, now, that you devote a tithe of your possessions, each of you, to the poor?" They demurred unanimously to this proposal ; and when Hercules politely pressed them to allow him to ease them of this guilty burden of gold, they saw neither the reason- ableness nor the joke of what he said. They could not, however, help their eyes being slightly opened to their inconsistency ; whereon the hero left them to meditate at their leisure. In the mean time, he addressed himself to the sable gen- tlemen, among whom he shot a few of his sharpest arrows, which they all cried out against as arrows of persecution. The arrows were aimed with great precision at that part of the encephalon denominated the organ of conscientious- ness ; which they stung into such activity, that the gentle- men at length began seriously to practise what they preached. The consequence was, (such is the force of example,) that, after a while, the nation came round to their way of thinking; and that, one thousand and odd years after its introduction into Britain, Christianity be- came the English creed; the worship of Mammon was abolished, his herd scattered and destroyed, and himself sent unto his own place. punch's labours of HERCULES. 4d CHAPTER XI. LABOUR THE ELEVENTH. HOW HERCULES OBTAINED THE GOLDEN FRUIT FROM THE HESPERIDES. The word, " Hesperides," means Western Maids. The Hesperides of classical antiquity were in possession of a certain little freehold, which was called their garden. Where it was situate is a point on which the learned differ. Apollodorus places it in the country of the Hyperboreans ; that is to say, in the region beyond the north ; whereby he proves himself a very poetically-minded person, by quietly giving to airy nothing a local habitation and a name. For we take it, that, beyond the North Pole, the- John o'Groats' House of this terraqueous globe, there is nothing to be found but atmosphere. And the North Pole itself, there is every reason to believe, is all nix ^ which may be inter- preted "all snow," or "nothing at all;" according to the Cockney or classical predilections of our readers. Hesiod transports the Hesperides beyond the seas, but he does not say for how long, nor to what place. Their residence, according to the more prevalent opinion, was near Mount Atlas, in Africa. They were said to be the children of Night ; very probably because they were dark, as, on the supposition that they were Moorish, maids, no doubt they would have been. In one of those poetical gems whose coruscations illumine the infant mind, a question is put to a young lady of the name of Mary, as to the nature of her horticultural produce. Had the reply been that it principally consisted of golden pippins, the only bump in the inquirer's head that would have been called into action, would have been that of " Alimentiveness." But had it also been that those pip- pins were really and bond fide apples of gold, the an- swer would have rather appealed to " Marvellousness ;" and in case it had not been voted a great lie, would have aroused " Acquisitiveness" also. Eurystheus, it would seem, must have acted under these organs, for the eleventh task which he imposed upon Hercules was, to rob the orchard of the Hesperides. The place (steel traps and spring guns had not as yet been invented) was guarded 5 50 punch's labours of HERCULES. "by a terrible dragon, to which Hercules proved himself a St. George. He slew the monster and stole the apples. Another account states that he got Atlas (of that ilk) to commit the theft, and did him afterwards out of the booty. But since, in the same narration, it is averred, that, while Atlas was doing the larceny, Hercules supported the heavens for him on his shoulders, this story must be re- garded as being, in every sense of the phrase, an instance of what is called in the vernacular " coming it strong." The English Hesperides included, otber western people tesides western maids. They mostly resided in a part of the west which was commonly called the West End. They were known by various denominations, whereof the principal were the " exclusive circles," and the "e7i7e of /on." Their Gardens were chiefly "Spring Gardens" and " May Fair ;" but they had also other Gardens of broad acres in many a district of fair England. The fruit of these Gardens was golden ; that is, it was the fruit of gold. Some of it was good to eat, and very good ; con- sisting, indeed, of fish, flesh, and fowl of the best ; a good deal of it, too, was drinkable, true " aurum potabile,''^ in the species of wines and liqueurs, which, could the ancients have tasted them, would have made them think decidedly small beer of Falernian. In short, it included all the luxuries and comforts of this life, in as far as they were procurable by money. The exclusiveness of these Gardens was maintained by a variety of ingenious devices, and was practically enforced, not by a dragon, but by a degraded sort of humane-crea- tures, who bore externally a great resemblance to the monkey race, and were fantastically arrayed in garments of divers colours, red, and yellow, and green, and blue. Their attire displayed a great profusion of gold and silver hat-bands, buttons, buckles, shoulder knots, and other decorations of the badge class, seemingly intended as ^ marks of ignominy, which appearance was strengthened by the circumstance that their heads were besmeared with a mixture of an unctuous substance, called pomatum, with a white dust or powder. It was much in this way that a man was wont to disfigure his person when he played the fool or Merry-Andrew on the stage. However, these fellows were absolutely proud of their shame ; and they were constantly to be seen, the very picture of vanity punch's LABotjRS OF HERCULES. 51 and conceit, standing at the portals of the " exclusive cir- cles," to prevent the entrance of all those who were not, in the language of the persons so called, who thought it finer than English, of the " ge«s comme ilfauty To obtain the golden fruit of the Hesperides, for the benefit of the public in general, was the endeavour and the work of Hercules. He was wont to repair, of a fine afternoon in ^ June and July, ta a place of public resort, nigh unto the region of that people, which was denomi- nated (without any allusion, as some fable, to apples) Rotten Row. There ^wuld he contemplate the Hesperides, displaying the fruit, and arrayed in the flowers of their Gardens, to the great irrigation of the mouth, and excite- ment of the envy of Penury and Want, who, regarding the raree-show with eager eyes, cursed their own iU destiny, and coveted their neighbours' goods. Now Hercules did not approve of this infringement of the decalogue, but he allowed that much indulgence was to be granted to a hungry belly and tattered back. He considered, also, that a rather more general distribution of the Hesperidian fruit, if it could be peaceably effected, would be desirable. For he could not but see that there was a superfluity of it in the hands of its possessors, which, as though not knowing what to do with it, they, as it were, threw away to the dogs, and principally to an alien pack of hounds, whose only recommendation was that their yelping was musical unto their ears. Our hero had a discerning eye and a taste for beauty ; and he could not but gaze with much admiration on the fineness of form, grace of manner, and happy placidity of countenance, which the feeding on their golden fruit had, for the most part, conferred on the Hesperides. Nor did he not regale his sight by contemplating the flowery luxuriance wherewith their persons were decorated. But he considered that, had he still been a mortal, and had he not known of a world where the souls of the heroes repose among the happy immortals, in proportion as his spirit would have been elated, and his hopes encouraged by the siffht of human nature in its brightest guise, so would his aspirations have been checked, and his heart chilled by the contemplation thereof, shrouded in the rags, and de- faced by the squalor, and coarseness, and degradation, of Poverty. He felt, that, as the high-born, lofty-aired, gQn- 52 punch's labours of hercules. tie-seeming maiden, would have appeared but a little lower than the angels, even so would the she-savage of St. Giles's have seemed but dubiously above the brute. He reflected that the costermonger and the cabman would have well nigh put him from his faith in humanity — ay, and in divinity, too ; that he would have been tempted to question if man, capable of such abasement, could possibly have a soul to be saved. He wished, therefore, to com- municate in some measure to ordinary mortals the advan- tages enjoyed by the fortunate Hesperides. Some say that he commenced his labour to this end, by sending Apollo and the Graces abroad among the people to cultivate and tutor their minds and to inspire them with a longing after the Hesperidian fruit. But the truth is, that he stalked forth himself in the character of the School- master, diffusing knowledge and refinement, and taste, throughout the land, and using his club as a rod where- with to chastise ignorance, and rudeness and vulgarity. Hereby he annihilated several sorts and conditions of men really deserving the title of the " lower classes" by reason of their brutishness and folly. And now men's eyes began to be opened. Rank and title, by their very possessors, were regarded as humbug ; and respect was entertained only for real worth. A general appetite Tor the Hesperidian fruit had been created ; and all that now remained to be ddne, was to procure a due distribution of it throughout society. Hercules might have broken into the Gardens at once, and with the strong hand have stolen, taken, and carried away the golden fruit ; but he did.no such thing. He merely procured for their owners the liberty to sell them, or to bequeath them to whomsoever they pleased — a boon which they themselves thankfully accepted at the hands of the legislature, their attempts still to maintain their supremacy over the ascend- ing many having plunged them deeply in debt. Thus were their Gardens with the fruit of them gradually portioned out among the nation. In a short time the village-dance beneath the hawthorn was as graceful, if not so showy, as an Almack's ball ; the Benefit Club as gentleman-like an aflTair as the Travellers' or the Carlton. The English language was everywhere spoken and pronounced in its purity. Business was transacted over the counter with as much propriety of PUNCH S LABOURS OF HERCULES. 13 manner as at the Home Office. The milliner took tea with the Duchess ; the Earl walked arm-in-arm with his tailor. * Every one respected, and nobody cringed to his fellow; and the maxim "Honour all men" was at length universally observed, CHAPTER XII. LABOUR THE TWELFTH. HOW HERCULES TRIUMPHED OVER THE ENGLISH PLUTO AND CERBERUS HIS LAST GREAT WORK. Between the son of Jupiter and Alcmena, and the hero who presides over these pages, there is in certain parti- culars a very strong resemblance. Punchy like Hercules, settles every thing with his club ; and if he does not de- stroy reptiles and beasts of prey, he knocks bailiffs, con- stables, churchwardens, and other monsters of that class, daily on the head. Punchy moreover, triumphs over Jack Ketch, as also did Hercules ; and his concluding achieve- ment is a victory over the enemy of man. How far in this respect he and Hercules are analogous, the reader will learn ere he is ten minutes older. There was once a Tartarus in England. A Tartarus it truly was ; although in one very material particular it differed from the place where the lawyers are. It was not the habitation of Dives, but of Lazarus. It was the place of punishment for the Poor. The place of punishment for the Poor ! Why, cries the reader, what a set of heartless, cruel, impious mis- creants our forefathers must have been ! Whether they were or not, such a place had they established in the land ; and the name thereof was "The Union Workhouse." How, it will be asked, came this great national crime to be perpetrated in the face of Heaven 1 There had sprung up in England a sect of wiseacres who were called Political Economists. Economist is often used as a mild synonyme for miser ; and these persons were in fact Political Misers. The great question with them was how to maintain the poor at the least possible expense. Not to keep them at all would 5* 54 punch's labours of hercules. have been the plan most to their taste ; but experience had proved that people, when starving to death, are apt to become unruly — to demolish houses, burn hay-ricks, cut throats, and do other mischief; and the Political Econo- mists had a high regard for their own goods and carcasses. To legalize the murder of the unfortunate paupers may be supposed to have been a measure which naturally oc- curred to their minds ; but it would have been difficult to draw the line exactly between rich and poor, and to fix the property qualification at which life should be entitled to protection. For this reason, probably, this scheme was never put into practice ; but so far was it approximated to, that every possible temptation was held out to the needy mother to destroy her offspring, which, if she did, the act was followed by this useful consequence, that she herself was hanged ; the population thus being reduced by two. The discouragement of vaccination amongst the inferior classes would also perhaps have been tried by these humane system-mongers ; but the disease is no re- specter of persons. There was no help but to keep body and soul together ; and barely to do this and no more was the principle of Political Economy. But further, it was an object of that science to prevent poverty ; to deter people from getting poor ; for its professors quietly as- sumed that a man's indigence was owing to his own fault. The corollary of this proposition was, that nobody had any business to be born necessitous, or weak in mind and body, or to fall sick, or break his leg, or lose his eye-sight, or labour under any natural disadvantage, or meet with any accident which might hinder him from getting his bread ; that all such things, which the ignorance of man- kind had before regarded as misfortunes, were crimes and vices, deliberately committed by an abuse of free-will. This dogma would, in these millennial times, undoubted- ly qualify its propounder for Bedlam ; but our ancestors had a great many notions, and did a great many things, which we should now attribute to insanity. It is difficult, when we look at an old picture of a State Procession or a Lord Mayor's Show, not to conclude that the actors in such exhibitions were not deranged. This, however, is a wide digression ; for your turtle-eaters and beef-eaters were any thing but german to the workhouse. In order to effect the very benevolent object of prevent- punch's labours of HERCULES. 55 ing poverty, the Political Economists hatched a certain enactment, which was called the New Poor Law. The Old Poor Law (we do not mean the Statute Law, but a law much older than that — a law then upwards of eighteen hundred years' standing) bade, that if one's brother man were hungry, he should feed him, and if thirsty, that he should give him drink, and the food and drink were to be ~what he would cater for himself; his self-love being the measure of that which he was to bear to his neighbour. Water-gruel, therefore, for instance, was not exactly the sort of aliment which Christian charity would have pre- scribed to want ; it entered not into the dietary of the Old Poor Law ; but it was a staple article in that of the New : moreover it was very strong of the water. The remainder of the bill of fare was of nearly similar quality, the whole of it constituting a "coarser kind of food" than that used by human beings in general. For the Political Economists . very sagaciously divined that rather than be reduced to live on the " coarser kind of food," a man would strain every nerve ; they also wisely perceived that the said food had the recommendation of being cheap as well as nasty. But this was not all. The board provided by the Sa- maritans of the New Poor Law for the distressed was admirably matched by the lodging. The Union Work- house was made to look externally as much like a jail as possible, and its interior arrangements were just such as were calculated for the accommodation of the rogue. It had dungeons for turbulent maturity, and whips for obstreperous youth. Thus it was very judiciously rendered just the sort of place that nobody who had the least notion of comfort would choose to live in. Its incommodious- ness was enhanced, too, by several very ingenious ex- pedients. For example, was any wretched inmate detected indulging in the solace of a morsel of tobacco, he was instantly deprived of the luxury ; nor was the benevolence of the friendly visitor permitted to sweeten the cup of Misery with a lump of sugar. But the masterpiece of cleverness in the workhouse system was the separation of husband from wife ; for nothing would have tended more to lighten their affliction tlian mutual sympathy-— and this would have been any thing but desirable. And the bitter tears, perchance, of an aged, fond couple, now 66 punch's labours of hercules. for the first time separated since the days of their youth, were a highly instructive example to the beholder. It must be added, that the persons confined — for con- fined they were — in the workhouse, were obliged to have their heads cropped, and to wear a dress of shame, for the more forcible impression of others with the dread of coming to their condition. Such was the English Tartarus. Its Pluto was the minister who presided over it for the time being ; and its Cerberus, the triple-headed monster in which was vested the Poor Law Commission. Nor must we omit to mention a great fat, ill-favoured, surly-looking, red-nosed whelp, his offspring ; namely, the Beadle. As Hercules of old dragged Cerberus from his den, so did he, by main force, drag the Cerberus of England, in spite of his barking and biting, into the light of day. He revealed the secrets of the prison-house ; he thundered them into the ears of the nation; nor did he relax his ex- ertions till his shout, " Down with the inhuman Poor Law !" was re-echoed from John o'Groat's House to the Land's End. The cruel enactment was repealed ; mercy was at length shown to the naked and hungry ; and from that instant, to the shame and confusion of the Political Econo- mists, the nation began to prosper. The gift to the poor proved to be a profitable loan. Hercules had now performed his second set of Twelve Labours ; but he determined to do a baker's dozen. His last achievement was — LABOUR THE THIRTEENTH, Concerning which we shall be brief. Hercules, by way of a finish to his great actions, paid the National Debt. This tremendous task he effected, by persuading the pro- prietors of Punch generously to devote one-tenth of their returns to that truly patriotic purpose. The success of Hercules's Labours rendered England an example to the world ; and very happily the world took it ; hence the universal peace and happiness in the midst of which we are now living. THE END. Stereotyped by L. Jotinson, PluladelptLia. STRINGER & TOWNSEND'S Edition, in Periodical Form, OF COOPEE'S NOYELS, At Twenty-Five Cents per Volume. ri.l.fV'nT S '^^^"'^''^ ''^^■■"g purchased of J. Fenimore Cooper, Esq.. the copy- ?;l;f.U '^'!. ^^''^^ ^"^ Romances, are enabled to publish them at the reduced price of Twent>-Five Cents per volume. The opportunity is thus presented to purchase this popular benes of Tale* at a price within the means of every person ; and a reduction of Twknty PER Cent, will be m ide to persons purchasing the complete set, embracing DEERSLAYER, or the First War Path 2 vols PATHP'INDER, or the Inland Sea. 2 vols LAST OF THE MOHICANS, a Tale of 1757. 2 vols. PIONEERS, or the Sources of the Susquehanna. 2 vols PRAIRIE. 2 vols ' WATER WITCH, or the Skimmer of the Seas. 2 vols. PILOT, A Tale of the Sea. 2 vols. .... TWO ADMIRALS, a Tale of the Sea. 2 vols. WING-AND-WING, OR Le Feu-Follet. 2 vols. SEA lilONS, OR the Lost Sealers. 2 vols. 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B. — Any of the above Works can be purctiased separately, and forwarded by Mail to any part of the country. The Publishers have constantly on hand coxpletk sets, bound IN A UNIFORM LIBRARY iTYLE, 2 vols. in One, 75 cents. These Works are sold by all Booksellers and Periodical Dealers throughout the country. STRINGER '. Gorge Hook and Bait, utifully Colore®. Skiff and Water Fence, Trout Dcim, Long l:>iand. Silver Lake, Trout, Perch, and Bait Kettle, Netting from Boats, Bait Fishing, Little White Bass, Click Reel, Rock-Bass Fishing, Foot Bridge & Trout Stream, Fishing Boats, A Mackerel Breeze, Creel and Rods, Squidding Under Sail, Hauling the Net, Striking a Heavy Fish, May Files and Stone Flies, Trolling with Scarlet Ibis Fly, Gorge Tackle, River Perch, The Upper Delaware, Nets and Buoys, River View, Fishing Boats, Golden Pheasant, Woodcock Wing, and Hackle, Bait Kettle, Finis. STRINGER & TOWNSEND, Publishers, 222 Broadway, New York. PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS. ES SECOND SERIES. EDITED BY MRS. J. 0. NEAL. NEW-YORK: STRINGER & TOWNSEND, 222 BROADWAY 11 DINKS ON DOGS. THE SPORTSMAN^ VADE MECUM. EDITED BY FRANK FORESTER. CONTAINING FULL INSTRUCTIONS IN ALL THAT RELATES TO THE BBEEDING, BEAKlDiG, BREAKING, KENNELLING, AND CONDITIONING OF DOGS; Togeiher wHi numerous Variable Recipes for the Treatment of the various Diseases to which the Canine Race is subject. AS ALSO, A FEW REMARKS ON GUNS— THEIR LOADING AND CARRIAGE, DESIGNED EXPRESSLY FOR THE USE OF YOUNG SPORTSMEN. ILLUSTRATED WITH FOUR ENGRAVINGS FROM DRAWINGS BY FRANK FORfiSTKR. 1. COCKERS. I 3. BEAGLES. 2. POINTERS. I 4. SETTERS. Handsomely Bound in Red Cloth. Price 62j cents. (Dpininns nf % ^ktm: Dinks on Dogs. Edited by Frank Forester. — We give the briefest title of this volume only for convenience sake. The work treats fully, though in a condensed form, of the breeding, rearing, breaking, kennelling, and con«lition of those dogs which spmrtsnien most value and admire, adding many recipes for the various di^jeases to whicli the canine race have become subject. There are some good counsels to young sportsman, also, on the loading and carriage of guns. With their usual liberality the publisliers have given highly finished wood cut« of the different species of sportsmen's dogs. — Commercial Advertiser. The Sportsman's Vadk Mecum, by "Dinks," edited by Frank Forester. — This handsome little volume and fine lithographs, is intended as a book of instructions to sportsmen. It Is presenteit to the public by one whose opinion is of value in those matters, and as we know nothing of any dogs but lap-dogs, and have a horror «if hydrophobia, we will pin our fiith ori his authority, and recommend gunners and all those fond of dogs to this manual. — jYewrk Daily .Advertiser. "Dinks on Dogs." — "The Sportsman's Vade Mecum," by " Dinks." Edited by Frank Forester. — This book contains full instructions for breeding, breaking, and keepinc of sporting dogs, and many valuable recipes will be found in it for the prevention or cure of dise:ises! to which the dogs are subject. To which is added a few remarks on guns, tlieir loading and carriage. We think, from the practice and experience of Frank Forester, that this mu ters." — Examiner. ItringBr k €mmni]i'B liHtnf fmh txnm\\i\ ^^utilisliA. MIRANDA, A Tale of the French Revolution. By the Author of the "Trapper's Bride." Price, 50 Cents, The very essence of good historical romance is its living scenes, its strong por- traitures, its gr iphic style, and the appliCMtion of all tiiese to the truthful and natural. " Miranda" closely gr.Msps these essential qualities ,• — a fearful picture of that hurricane of Itie passions swayed by Danton and Robespierre. THE PEER'S DAUGHTERS. BY LADY BULWER LYTTON. "Inconnparably amusing and entertaining.'' — Morning Post. '• Exceedingiy cu ious and interesting." — Morning Herald. " We have never met wtih a more entertaining or sparkling volume." — Morning Advertiser. " Lady Buhver's tact and pungency are wonderful in this masterly fiction." — Banker's Magazine. Price 37 1-2 Cents. CON. CREGAN, THE IRISH GIL BLAS. BY CHARLES LEVER, Author of Charles O'Malley, Roland Cashel, tj-c, tj-c This Is a work of nnsurpassing interest, in which there is much to admire. As a literary production, it is one of the best works that, ever came from the pen of this celebrated autlior. • Price 50 .Cents. THE GOLDEN CALF; Or, Prodigality and Speculation in the Nineteenth Century. Thi? tale exliibits a freedom and originality of intellect, superior to the average character of our current popuhr literature, and will hold a conspicuous rank among work? of fiction. Price 25 Cents M ATERNA L LOVE. A Novel — By the Author of " The Fortunes of Woman," &c. Written in a pleasing style, abounding in passages of interest and beauty, with a well-cerlv Musical Critic of the Londi»n Morning Post. EI?IKEI.I.ISMEI> 1¥ITH A PERFECT EIKEIVESS, BEAUTIFULLY ENGRAVED ON STEEL. ^monfl tlje Contents of tt)is tnil» intcrestfns ESFottt are : Her Birth and Childhood. Her Appearance at the Rhenish Fes- Her Early and Singular Success at val. Stockholm. Her Presentation to Queen Victoria The Loss of her Voice and the Girl's by the King of Prussia. Despair. * Her Appearance at her Majesty's Her residence at Paris, under the tui- Theatre, London. tion of Garcia. Her Extraordinary Success. Her First Meeting with Meyerbeer, the The Poor Cottager and Jenny Lind. Composer. Wonderful Success in the Province* Her Engagement at Berlin. J nny Lind and the Ventriloquist. The Sudden Recovery of her Voice and 'Her Second Visit to Vienna. her Marvellous Success. Return to England. Public Rapture on her First Appear- Her Appearanc*^ at Exeter Halliii fur- ance in Vienna. therance of the Mendelsohn Scho- The Student and Jenny Lind. larships. Her Triumphant Entry into Stockholm. Her Engagement with Barnum to Her Engagement with Mr. Bunn. Visit this Country, &c., &c. Single copies 25 cents; five copies to one address, $1. Orders by mail promptly executed. STRINGER & TOWNSEND, Publishers, 222 Broadway, New-Yokjc. LETTER FROM P. T. BARNUM. Messrs. Stringer & Townsend, — Gentlemem: — I feel greatly obliged by your kindness in having sent me the proof-sheets of > our forthcoming " Life of Jenny Lind" I have perused them with much satisfaction, and assure you that, interested as I am in all that con- cerns this distinguished lady, and consequently having read all that has been pub- lished, and learned all in my power in regard to Let history, I have never hitherto read anything whii h so completely puts us in possession of all the interesting de- tails of her life, as the work before me. The authenticity of the entire work none can doubt who know anything of ber history. The beautiful Portrait on steel of this distinguished songstress, which you have had engraved for the frontispiece, is a wonderfully exact copy of the best likeness ever published of her, and is amply worth four times the trifliwg sun charged for your book. Truly your obedieut servant, P. T. BARNUM. Iranistan, near Bridgeport, Ct., April SC, 1650. PRXOB 12h CSI^TS. THE KICKLEBUmS ON THE MINE ; WITH A PREFACE ENTITLED AN ESSAY ON THUNDER AND SMALL BEER. By W. M. THACKERAY, AVTHOB or "TE!«DErfNIS," " TAKITT FA-IR," ETC NEW YORK: STRINGER & TOWNSEND, 222 BROADWAY. 1851. STRISOER i TOWNSENO'S ADVERTISER. ew and Useful Books PUBLISHED BY STRINGER & TOWNSEND, 222 BROADWAY, NEVV-YORK. SAM SLICKS NEW WORK. €l)c ©lb lubgc; or £lfe in a €olcn|i. "Full of the Clockrnaker's shrewdness and quaint comicalities." — Examiner, "There is a fund of wit and wisdom in this amusing volume. It abounds in lively sallies, capital sketches of men and manners, interesting narratives and amusing anecdotes — ail given in Sam Slick's attractive and inimitable manner." —Sun. Prick 9% cent8. SIjc Cancasljirc U)itcl)C3. BT W. HARRISON AINSWORTH, ESQ. PRICE 50 CENTS. •' Mr. Ainsworth in this romance has nmdoan excellent use of much profound and curifrus knowledge, both of the time and of the scene in which the action Is laid." — Examiner. " Mr. Ainsworth may be styled the Salvator Rosa of novelists. He delights in the thrilling — the terrible — the wildly romantic. In g(>rgeous depth of coloring, in vivid reality of portmiture, in entbraUiug interest, Mr. Ainsworth's romances are almost unrivalled. 'The liancashire VVitches' excites a powerful aad undi- minished interest throughout." — Sun. (Uljc Prince; or tl)e £ifc of an ^Ibuenturer. BY THE AUTHOR OF " VALENTINE VOX." 50 CENTS. "It is refreshin" '"^ "" .. .»om the sentimental kind of novel to this amusing volunje — the apj-earance of which, at th',s cheerful ieason, is so apropos. The varied fortunes of the hero afforded oppoitunities of depicting the phases of life, both grave and gay. These have not been lost upon the ingenuity of the author, who alternates touches of pathos and tifaits of humor, with admirable eHecL" —^thenry useful little book, and as such, we commend it to our sporting readers. — Spirit of the Times. Dinks on Does. — This is a neatly printed little volume, all about the breeding, rearing, breaking, kennelling and conditioning of dogs. The author does not favor the public with his name, but his treatise is introduced under the highest sporting auspices. Henry Wm. Herbert, the author of "Frank Fr)rester's Fitld Sports of the United States and British Pro- vinces," is the editor, and commends it to the sporting world in the following tenns : "Of the little work which has been introduced to the sporting world by our esteemed friend, I have only to say, that I hive found it necessary to make no alteration or el'sion ; that It )« thoroughly practical and lounded on experience, and that it is not equalled by any bch)k on I'Mrtsmanship which has ever met my eye." 'J'his is ijigh praise, but we presume fully deserved Our acquaintance with dogs is not scientific, and we will only venture to say, that we have found " Dinks' " notions about dogs quite entertaining, and half regretted, as we closed the book, that dogs comld not read. — Evening Post. STRINGER & TOWNSEND, Publishers, 222 Broadway^ New York. STRINGER (fc'TOWNSEND'S Edition, in Periodical Form, OF COOPER'S NOYELS, At Twenty-Five Cents per Volume. Stringer & Townsend having purchased of J, Fenixore Cooper, Esq., the ropy- rijfht of all his Talks and Romances, are enabled to pul)li:sh them at the reduced price of Twenty-Five Cents per volume. The opportunity is thus presented to purchase this popni.ir Series of Tales at a price Within the means of every pefson ; and a reduction of Twenty per Cent, will be made to persons purchasing the completp set, embrar.ini; DEERSLAYER, or the First War Path. 2 vols. ... 50 PATHFINDER, or the Inland Sea. 2 vols 50 LAST OF THE MOHICANS, a Tale of 1757. 2 vols. . . 50 PIONEERS, or the Sources of the Susquehanna. 2 vols. . . 50 PRAIRIE. 2 vols 50 WATER WITCH, or the Skimivier of the Seas. 2 vols. . . 50 PILOT, A Tale of the Sea. 2 vols 50 TWO ADMIRALS, A Tale of the Sea. 2 vols. ... .50 WING-AND-WING, or Le Feu-Follet. 2 vols. ... 50 SEA LIONS, OR THE Lost Sealers. 2 vols. .... .50 RED ROVER. 2 vols 50 AFLOAT AND ASHORE, or th? Adventures of MrLES Wal LINGFORD. 4 vols. . . ... . . . . $1 WEPT OF WISH-TON-WISH. 2 vols. SPY, A Tale of the Neutral Ground. 2 vols, . OAK OPENINGS, or the Bee Hunters. 2 vols. JACK TIER, OR the Florida Reef. 2 vols. THE CRATER, or Vulcan'.s Peak. 2 vols. REDSKINS, or Indian and Ingln. 2 vols. . &ATANSTOE, or Littlepage Manuscripts. 2 vols. CHAIN BEARER, a Tale of the Colony. 2 vols. . 2 vols HOMEWARD BOUND, or the Chase. HOME AS FOUND, a Tale. 2 vols HEADSMAN, a Novel. 2 vols HEIDENMAUER, A Tale. 2 vols LIONEL LINCOLN, or the Leaguer of Boston. 2 vols. MERCEDES OF CASTILE. 2 vols. . . . MONIKINS. 2 vols. . NED MYERS, or a Life Before the Mast. 1 vol. . TRAVELLING BACHELOR. 2 vols WYANDOTTE. 2 vols BRAVO, A Tale. 2 vols In all Thirty -One Different Works, or Sixty -Three Volumes. 00 50 50 ,5() 50 50 50^ 50 50 50 50 50 50 50 50 50 25 50 50 50 N. B. — Any of the above Works can be purchased separately, and forwarded by Mail Ut any part of the country. The Publishers have consuintly on hand co:«i'tKTB skti, bound IN A uniform library 6TVLB, 2 vols. in one, 75 cents. These Works are sold by all BcHiksellers and Periodical Dealers throughout the country. STRINGER & TOWNSEND, Publishers, JS^a Broad wajTilKc^ Vork. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 014 385 616 1