Junkard^brnms, 5 iets, 12 5 IV akard's Doom, - - 16 t K."'"?"'., ™ . "'/-i * uVears of ■Drunkard's Life 10 4 J Aaiit Dinah's Pledg-- • 6 S I Drunkard's Warning, « ^ No. XXVII. FRENCH'S STANDARD DRAMA EDITED BY EPES SARGENT. LONDON ASSURANCE. PR 4161 .B2 L6 1860 21 (Jlotnei^g, Copy 1 IN FIYE- ACTS. BY DION. L. BOURCICAULTo WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARAC- TERS, COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. NEIV YORK: Samuel French &. Son, PUBLISHEES, 122 NASSAU STREET. LONDON: Samuel French, PUBLISHEE, 83 STR..A.3>TD. BOOKS KVEB-Sr AaLA-TETTR SSOXTLD JIAVE. iU^TEUB'S GUIDE ; or, How to a«t op Home TheatrioHs and to Aot ir Tbem, wltb Boles, d' ^m. Selected Scenes, Plays and other osefnJ Inrormation for Amateur SocieUes. Price 26 ctfli eUIBB TO THB STAGE. 16 cents. ART OP ACTING. 16 cents. Price 1 S Cents eacli.— Bound Volumes $1. 26. VOL. I. 1 Ion 2 Fario 8 The Lady of Lyoni i Bichelien * 5 The Wife 6 The Honeymoon T The School for Scandal 8 Money YOL. II. 9 The Stranger 10 Grandfather Whitehead 11 Richard III 12 Love's Sacrifice IS The Gamester U A Cure for the Heartache 15 The Hunchback 16 Don Caesar de Bazan VOL. III. 17 The Poor Oentleman 18 Hamlet 19 Charles II 20 Venice Preferred ai Pirarro 22 The Love Chaie 23 Othello 2* Lend me five Shilllngi VOL. IV. as Virginius K6 King of the Common! 27 London Assurance 28 The Rent Day 29 T wo G entlemen ofVerona BO The Jealous Wife SI The Rivals Sa PerfeoUon VOL. V. [Debts B3 A New Way to Pay Old S4 r5 Much Ado About Nothing 6 The Critic VOL. VIII. 7 The Apostat-e 8 Twelfth Night 9 Brutus Simpson & Co 1 Merchant of Venice 2 Old Heads& Young Hwirts 3 Mountaineers Iriage 4 Three Weeks after Mar- VOL. IX. 5 Love S As You Like It 7 The Klder Brother 8 Werner SQisippus Town and Country 1 King Lear 2 Blue Devils VOL. X. 3 Henry VIII 4 Married and Singl* 5 Henry IV 6 Paul Pry 7 Guy Maunering 8 Sweethearts and Wives 9 Serious Family She Stoops to Conquer VOL. XI. 81 Julius Caesar 82 Vicar of Wakefield 83 Leap Year 84 The Catspaw 85 The Passing Cloud 86 Drunkard 87 Rob Rov 88 George 'Barnwell VOL. XII. 89 Ingomar 90 Sketches in India 91 Two Friends 92 Jane Shore 93 Corslcan Brothers 94 Mind your own Business 95 Writing on the Wall 96 Heir at Law VOL. XIII. 97 Soldiers Daughter 98 Douglas 99 Marco Spada 100 Nature's Nobleman 101 SardanapaluB 102 Civilization 103 The Robbers 104 Katharine and Petruchio VOL. XIV. 105 Game of Love 106 Midsummer Night's lOT Ernestine [Dream 108 Rag Picker of Paris * ' "Plying Dutchman 110 Hypocrite 111 Theresa 112 La Tour de Nesle VOL. XV. 113 Ireland As It Is 114 Sea of Ice 115 Seven Clerks 116 Game of Life 117 Forty Thieves 118 Bryan Boroihme 119 Romance and Reality 120 Ugolino VOL. XVL 121 The Tempest 122 The Pilot 123 Carpenter of Rouen 124 Kings Rival 125 Little Treasure r26 Dombey and Son 127 Parents and Guardians 128 Jewess VOL. XVII 129 Camille 130 Married Life 131 Wenlock of Wenlock 132 Rose of Ettrickvale 133 David Copperfleld 134 Aline, or the Rose of 135 Pauline [Killarney 136 Jane Eyre VOL. XVIIL 137 Night and Morning 138 .aEthiop 139 Three Guardsmen 140 Tom Cringle 141 Henriette, the Forsaken 142 Eustache Baudin 143 Ernest Maltravers 144 Bold Dragoons VOL. XIX. 145 Dred, or the Dismal [Swamp 146 Last Days of Pompeii 147 Esmeralda 148 Peter Wilkins 149 Ben the Boatswain 150 Jonathan Bradford 151 Retribution , 152 Minerali >r VOL. XX. 158 PreDch Spy 134 Wept of Wish-ton Wish 155 Evil Genius 156 Ben Bolt 157 Sailor of Francs 1158 Red Mask 159 Life of an Actress |160 Wedding Day [Moscow VOL. XXI. 161 All's Fail in Love 162 Hofer 163 Self 164 Cinderella 165 Phantom 166 Franklin 167 The Gunmaker of 163 The Love of a Prince VOL. xxn. 169 Son of the Night nORory O'More 171 Golden Eagle 172 Rienzi 173 Broken Sword 174 Rip Van Winkle 175 Isabella 176 Heart of Mid Lothian VOL. XXIII. 177 Actress of Padua 178 Floating Beacon 179 Bride of Lamermoor 180 Cataract of the Ganges 181 Robber of the Rhino 182 School of Reform 183 Wandering Boys 184 Mazeppa VOL. XXIV. 185 Young New York *~" The Victims 187 Romance after Marriage 183 Brigand 139 Poor of New York 190 Ambrose Gwinett 191 Raymond and Agnes 192 Gambler's Fate VOL. XXV. 193 Father and Son 194 MassanieUo 195 Sixteen String Jack 196 Youthful Queen 197 Skeleton Witness 198 Innkeeper of Abbeville 199 Miller and his Men 200 Aladdin VOL. XXVI. 7.01 Adrienne the Actress 202 Undine 203 Jessie Brown 204 Asmodeus 205 Mormons 206 Blanche of Brandywine 207 Viola 208 Deseret Deserted VOL. X.XVII. 209 Americans in Paris 210 Victorine 211 Wizard of the Wave ' 212 Castle Spectre 213 Horse-shoe Robinson 214 Armand, Mrs Mowatt 215 Fashion, Mrs Mowatt 16 Glance at New York VOL. XXVIU. 217 Inconstant 218 Uncle Tom's Cabin 219 Guide to the Stage 220 Veteran 221 Miller of New Jersey 222 Dark Hour before Dawn 223 Midsum'r Night's Dream [Laura Keene's Editi 224 Art and Artifice VOL. XXIX 225 Poor Young Man 226 Osf awattomie Brown 227 Pope of Rome 28 Oliver Twist 229 Pauvrette 230 Man in the Iron Mask 231 Knight of Arva 282 Moll Pitcher > VOL. XXX. 233 Black Eyed Susan 234 Satan in Paris 235 Rosina Meadows [ess 236 West End, or Irish Heir- 237 Six Degrees of Crime IS8 The Laoy and the Devil 239 Avenger.or Moor of Sici- 240 Masks and Faces [ly (Catalogue continued on third pa^e of cover.) VOL. XXXI. 241 Merry Wivee of Windsor 242 Mary's Birthday 243 Shandv Maguire 244 Wild Oats 245 Michael Erie 246 Idiot Witness 247 Willow Copse 248 People's Lawyer VOL. XXXII. 249 The Boy Martyrs 250 Lucretia Borgia 251 S-Jrgeon of Paris 262 Patrician's Daughter 253 Shoemaker of Toulouse 254 Momentous Question 255 Love and Loyalty 256 Robber's Wife VOL. XXXUL 25T Dumb Girl of Genoa 258 Wreck Ashore 269 Clari Rural Felicity 261 Wallace 62 Madelaine 263 The Fireman 264 Grist to the MiU VOL. XXXIV. 265 Two Loves and a Life 266 Annie Blake 267 Steward 268 Captain Kyd 269 Nick of the Woods 270 Marble Heart 271 Second Love 272 Dream at Sea VOL. XXXV. 273 Breach of Promise 274 Review 276 Lady of the Lake 276 Still Water Runs Deep 377 The Scholar 278 Helping Hands 279 Faust and Marguerite 280 Last Man VOL. XXXVI. '281 Belle's Strat*»jem 282 Old and Young |2.S3 Ratfaella 2S4 Ruth Oakley 285 British Slave 286 A Ljfe's Ransom 287 Giralda 288 Time Tries All VOL. XXXVII. 289 Ella Rosenburg 290 Warlock of the Glen 231 Zelina 292 Beatrice 293 Neighbor Jaokwood 294 Wonder 295 Robert Emmet Green Bushes VOL. XXXVIII. 297 Flowers of the Forest 93 A Bachelor of Arts 99 The Midnight Banquet 800 Husband of an Hour 301 Love's Labor Lost 302 Naiad Queen 303 Caprice 304 Cradle of Liberty VOL. XXXIX. 305 The Lost Ship 306 Countrv Sqnire 307 Fraud and its VlcUms 308 Putnam 309 King and Deserter 310 La Fiammlna 311 A Hard Sf.-uggle 312 Gwinnetf Vaughas VOL. XL. 313 The Love Knot [Judge 314 Lavater, or Not a Bad 315 The Noble Heart 3l6Coriolanus 317 The Winter's Tale 3l8Eveleen Wilson 319 Ivanhoe Jonathan in En^and No. XXVII, P'RENGH'S STANDARD DRAMA LCNDOiN ASSUKANCE. 3, (Eomclig IN K I V c V c r s. BY DION. L/. bo Urfc IC a U LT. Vi TH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHAllACTEaS 7C» TUMES. RELATIVE POSITIONS, &c. M FKRFfR»Ei> AT THK I'ARX THEAT&e- NEW YORK.: SAMUEL FRENCH, P U P> L I S Tl E R 122 Nassau SniKKr, (Ui' Si'AiH.s.i n f^ CAST OF CHARACTe*f§: Cotjent Gardew, 18-11. Park, 1641 Str Uarcowt Courtly Mr W r;.rro« ir »i . ^"w2"t*,= - ■■■■■■ '■^^r- ";.-''l?s,t Sr^^n^;,";"'.::::;:;::::;;::: :: ttzr " ^",r"'' Jja^^le iveeicy. «' Williams. ^»^.^»-r^.;;y:::;;;::::::::::::::: :: SiiSi :: i?^^*"- Crr«« //arA««,«y 3,„j„„,^ V^^^^j^ 3,.^^ Clarendon Mrs. Humby. Mrs. Voruon COSTUMES. fov h^-TW /r '^RrS^'""'^ '■'■''•^'^ '^^^^^ ^=^'^*^'- pantaloons, doak, a^C BI ^X hIrr AWAV T T "^ '""'' P«"^^»«°"-^' ^hite vest, and black s'tock B1A\ H ARK AWAY. -Firgt dress: Brown surtout coat, white vest, black trow .^e,s.gauers.and walkin^-stick.-5eco«ddr.«; Black dress suit DAZZLE.-F*r*irfreM; Green coat, drab gaiter pants, silk vest.— 5£cdrfre«: Fashi'onabic bfack s'lit ""'^ •='°"^- WhUDLE.— Brown coat, white vest, dark pantaloons ^^«l^-^m:;ru^j"' '^''"V ",''"' '^"''»' ''.''•■fc vest, chequered pantaloons.- S.c^, uress. HIack dress coat and pants, white vest. •^c^i-.r.*" *^ B^JciTScoT'' ^'^"'" '"^'' ''*'"' '''^^'' ""'^ ''''"='' ^''"'-•'- P=^"t«-^/»>«/ '/rew SERVAXTS.-Liv..ry. ^^dnl^d.-Lr^'"'''^^""^'''" '^''""•' ^'''^'""" l>al.it.-.W«rf ./.«,: FasLionaW GRACE HARKAW AY. -First dress: Fasl.i,tnab!e n.orning dress.- .Secon.Ur««« Handsome dinner dress. * »rrm The Scene lies in London and Gloucestershire in ISil.— Time, Three Jcy$. AUTHORS DEDICATION. TO CHARLES KEMBLE THIS comj:dy, (with his kind rEKMIS9ION,> IS dedicatp:d ir HIS FERVENT ADMIRER AND IIUMBIE SERVANT, DION. L. BOURCICAULT By Exchenf:!© * .Arlfiy and NavyOluiab '^' JANUARY 16 1934 EDIT o- RIAL iNTKOLUCTION Tins play may be set down as belonging to wliat a celebrated critic has called " the shabby-genteel school of comedy." Its success was at first accounted for by the unprecedented display of upholstery furniture, which attended its production both on the Covent Garden and the Park boards. The " properties" of the piece, including chairs, curtains, and divans, were of an un- usually splendid description ; added to all which, a Brussels car- pet for the drawing-room scenes was no inconsiderable item in the novelties it presented. We fear that but for these external accompaniments, the play would not have had the run it experi enced in this country. And yet, it has its merits — such as tney are. The French dramatic rule of condensing the incidents of every separate act into a single scene, is skillully and ingeniously carried out. The character of Dazzle is a truthful and legitimate picture, to which, we doubt not, more than one original may be found among the chevaliers of European cities. The plot of the play is mea- gre, and wanting in interest, but sustained by a certain vivacity of tone and " smartness" of allusion, which renders the comedy amusing in the reading as well as in the representation. The business of the scene is rarely suffered to flag ; and mu( h tact is shown in the grouping of the characters. But when we have said thus much in its commendation, we cannot add more except what many will probably regard as the most emphatic praise we could offer, namely, the undisputed fact, that it has been one «f the most popular and attractive comedies of the day. A notable defect in the play, is the heartlessness and flii)pancy of its pervading tone. Max Harkaway, who is a mere repeti- rion of the fox-hunting country gentleman of innumerable come- dies, is the only individual of the dramatis personte who seems to have the most distant notion of a moral obligation or a gene- rona impulse It is not the absence of " noble sentiments," but !▼ EDITORIAI, IN'TROUCTION. of redeeming traits, to which we allude. The Courtlys, fathe! and son, arc weak, unprincipled libertines, the fool prevailing in one, and the scamp in the other. Lady Gay Spanker is a moD" strons, and, we trust, a wholly imaginary creation. No woma* of any pretensions to breeding or good sense, would treat a hus- band, were he even so much of an ass, in the manner she does. It is a libel upon decent society to suppose that it could tolerate such a creature. Grace Harkaway^ from the fustian put into her mouth, is apparently intended for a romantic simpleton — the author has certainly succeeded in making her a very uninterest- ing one. Meddle^ the lawyer, though a broad caricature, is a laughable one ; and as members of his profession aftbrd popular subjects for ridicule and abasement, the introduction of this part may have contributed materially to the favourable reception of the piece. In all these pretended portraitures of some of the constituents of respectable English society, we look in vain for anything like earnestness of character. Not an indication does any one give that he is conscious of the possession of a soul. All appear to be playing a part — striving to seem^ rather than to he. Emotion 18 voted vulgar; and a show of sincerity is evidently regarded aa precluding the claims of the comedy to the title of fashionable. Such a play must always leave the heart unsatisfied, however it ma}' interest the fancy. The dramatists of the last age did not write in this manner. Even the " School for Scandal", dazzUng us as it does with unremitted scintillations of wit, that startle and delight the intellect, is not without its appeals to the better fa- culties of our nature. If we laugh at poor Sir Peter, he still occasionally claims our sympathy and respect. When Charles Surface refuses to sell his uncle's portrait, we experience a glow of satisfaction at the triumph of good and gi-ateful feeling over the importunities of selfishness and the temptations of gain. But in the present play, the darker sides of human character are ex- clusively presented ; and, on rising from the representation, we always feel, in spite of the elegant saloons and gilded furniture, that we have been in indifferently honest company. The climax of absurdity is reached, when the moralizing speech at the close on the quahties of a gentleman, is put into the lips of the old miscreant, who has just been disappointed in his design of run- ning away with another man's wife We have been told, how EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. ^ ever, that this speech was originally written for Max Harkaway . but that Farren. the actor, who played .Sir Har'^ourt, isisted that it should be transferred to him ; and the author, with the accom- modating spirit of Puff in " The Critic," acquiesced in the de- mand. *' London Assurance" was first produced the 4th March, 1841, at the Theatre Royal, Covent Garden. It was brought out at the Park Theatre, New York, the 11th October ensuing, in quite a novel style of elegance, and ran an unusual number of nights. Mr. Placide, in his impersonation of Sir Harcourt, made what is technically termed a hit, and has been frequently called cpon to repeat the part. LONDON ASSURANCE. ACT I. Scene I. — j4;j A?ite-Room in Sir Harcourt Courtly' s Iloust in Bel grave Square, Enter Cool, c. Cool, Half-past nine, and Mr. Charles has not yet return- ed. I am in a fever of dread. If his father happens to rise earlier than usual on any morning, he is sure to ask first for Mr. Charles. Poor deluded old gentleman — he little thinks ho\y he is deceived. Enter Martin, lazily, l. Well, Martin, he has not come home yet I Mar. No ; and I have not had a wink of sleep all night. — I cannot stand this any longer ; I shall give warning. This is the fifth night Mr. Courtly has remained out, and I'm obliged to stand at the hall window to watch for him. Cool. You know, if Sir Harcourt was aware that we connived at his son's irregularities, we should all be dis- charged. Islar, I have used up all my common excuses on his duns. — * Call again,' * Not at home,' and ' Send it down to you,* won't serve any more ; and Mr. Crust, the wine merchant, swears he will be paid. Cool. So they all say. AVhy, he has arrests out against him already. I've seen the fellows watching the door — \Ijoud knock and ring heard.] — There he is, just in time — quick, Martin, for I expect Sir William's bell every mo- ment — [Bell rings] — and there it is. [Exit Mart 171, slowly.] Thank heaven ! he will return to College to-morrow, and this heavy responsibility \^ill be taken off my shoulders. A valet is as difficult a post \o fill properly as rhf.t of prime milliliter. [ExU, l. 8 LONDON ASSURANCE. jk.CT I Young a [ Wu/iout.] Hollo ! Dazzle. [Without.] Steady! Enter Young Courtly and Dazzle, l. . Ymmg C. Hollo-o-o ! Daz. Hush ! wliat are you about, howling like a Hot- teptot. Sit down there, and thank heaven you are in Bel grave square, instead of Bow street. Young C. D — n — damn Bow street. Daz. Oh, with all my heart ! — you have not seen aa much of it as 1 have. Young C. 1 say — let me see — what was I going to say 1 — oh, look here — [Pulls out a large assortment of bell-jmllSf knockers, ftc, from his jwckct.] There ! dam^me ! I'll puz- zle the two-penny postman, — I'll deprive them of their right of disturbing the neighbourhood. That black Hot* ? head did belong to ohl Vampire, the money-lender ; t:.li bell-pull to Miss Stitch, the milliner. Daz. And this brass griffin Young C. That ! oh, let me see — I think I twisted thai off our own hall-door as I came in, while you were paying the cab. Daz. What shall I do with them 1 Young C. Pack 'em in a small hamper, and send 'exK to the sitting magistrate with my father's compliments ; in the mean time, come into my room, and I'll astonifeh you with some Burgundy. Re-enter Cool, l. c. Cool, (r.) Mr. Charles Young C. Out ! out ! not at home to any one. Cool. And drunk Young C As a lord. Cool. If Sir Harcourt knew this, he would go mad, he would discharge me. Young C. You flatter yourself: that would be no proof of his insanity. — [To Dazzle.] This is Cool, sir, Mr. Cool : he is the best liar in London — there is a pungency about his invention, and an originality in his equivocation, that ia perfectly refreshing. Cool. [Aside.] Why, Mr, Charles, where did you pick nim up' Ym unite the two properties. About seven years ago, he (lied — leaving Grace, a girl, to the guardianship of her uncle, with this will : — if, on attaining the age of nineteen, she would consent to marry me, I should receive those deeds, and all his property, as her dowry. If she refused to comply with this condition, they should revert to my heir-presuraptive or apparent. — She consent?. Cool. Who would not 1 Sir H. I consent to receive her 15,000Z. a-year. [Crosses Cool. Who would not ? to l. Sir H. So prepare. Cool, prepare ; — but where is my boy, where is Charles 1 Cool. Why — oh, he is gone out, Sir Harcourt ; yes, gone out to take a walk. Sir H. Poor child ! A perfect child in heart — a sober, placid mind — the simplicity and verdure of boyhood, kept fresh and unsullied by any contact with society. Tell me. Cool, at what time was he in bed last night 1 Cool. Half-past nine. Sir Harcourt. Sir H. Half-past nine ! Beautiful ! What an original idea ! Reposing in cherub slumbers, while all around him teems with drinking and debauchery 1 Primitive sweet- ness of nature ! no pilot-coated, bear-skinned brawling! Cool. Oh, Sir Harcourt ! Sir H. No cigar-smoking- Cool. Faints at the smell of one. Sir H. No brandy and water bibbing Cool. Doesn't know the taste of anything stronger than barley-water. Sir H. No night parading; — Cool. Never heard the clock strike twelve, except at noon. Sir H. In fact, he is my son, and became a gentleman by right of paternity — he inherited my manners. Enter Martin, l. Mar. Mr. Haikaway. ICxiTEl. LONDON ASSURANCE. Enter Max Harkaway, l. Max. Squire Harkaway, fellcvv. or Max Harkaway, an» other time. [Mar. bows and exit.] Ah! Ha! Sir Har court, I'm devilish glad to see yon ! Gi' me your fist — Dang it, but I'm glad to see you ! Let me see : six — seven years, or more, since we have met. How quickly they have flown! 8ir H. [throunng off his studied vianncr.] Max, Max I give me your hand, old boy. — [ J^/tfc.J Ah ! he is glad to see me : there is no fawning pretence about that squeeze. Cool, you may retire. [Exit Cooly r. c. Max. Why, you are looking quite rosy. Sir H. Ah ! ah ! rosy ! Am I too florid ] Max, Not a bit ; not a bit. Sir H. I thought so. — [Aside.\ Cool said I had put too much on. Max. How comes it. Courtly, you manage to retain your youth ] See, Tm as grey as an old badger, or a wild rabbit ; while you are — are as black as a young rook. I say, whose head grew your hair, eh ? Sir H. Permit me to remark, that all the beauties of my person are of home manufacture. Why should you be surprised at my youth ] I have scarcely thrown off* the gid- diness of a very boy — elasticity of limb — buoyancy of soul ! Remark this position — [throivs himself into an attitude] I held that attitude for ten minutes at Lady Acid's last reu- nion^ at the express desire of one of our first sculptors, while he was making a sketch of me for the Apollo. Max. [aside.] Making a butt of thee for their gibes. Sir H. Lady Sarah Sarcasm started up, and, pointing to my face, ejaculated, * Good gracious ! does not Sir Har- court remind you of the countenance of Ajax, in the Pom- peian portrait V Max. Ajax! — humbug! Sir H. You are complimentary. Max. I'm a plain man, and always speak my mind. What's in a face or figure 1 Does a Grecian nose entail a good temper ] Does a waspish waist indicate a good heai t ? Or, do oily perfumed locks necessarily thatch a well furnished brain? Sir H. It's an undeniable fact, — -plain pec pie always praise tho beauties of the mind. 12 LONDON ASSURANCE. [Ac* ^lax. Excuse the insinuation : I had thought the first Lady Courtly had surfeited you with beauty. Sir H. No : she lived fourteen months with me, and then eloped with an intimate friend. Etiquette compelled me to challenge the seducer; so I received satisfaction — and a bullet in my shoulder at the same time. However, I had the consolation of knowing that he was the hand- somest man of the age. She did not insult me, by running away with a damned ill locking scoundrel. Jiax. That, certainly, was flattering. Sir II. I felt so, as I pocketed the ten thousand pounds damages. Max. That must have been a great balm to your sore honour. Sir H. It was — Max, my honour would have died with out it ; for on that year the wrong horse won the Derby — by some mistake. It was one of the luckiest chances — a thing that does not happen twice in a man's life — the op- gortunity of getting rid of his wife and his debts at th© same time. Max. Tell the truth, Courtly — Did you not feel a little frayed in your delicacy — your honour, now '{ Eh 1 Sir II. Not a whit. Why should II I married money ^ and I received it — virgin gold ! My delicacy and honour had nothing to do with it. The world pities the bereaved husband, when it should congratulate. No : the affair made a sensation, and I was the object. Besides, it is vul- gar to make a parade of one's feelings, however acute they may be : impenetrability of countenance is the sure sign of your highly-bred man of fashion. Max. So a man must, therefore, lose his wife and his money with a smile — in fact, every thing he possesses but his temper. Sir H. Exactly ; and greet ruin with vive la bagatelle f For example ; your modish beauty never discomposes the shape of her features with convulsive laughter. A smile •awards the hon mot^ and also shows the whiteness of hex •eeth. She never weeps impromptu — tears migkt destroy ihe economy of her cheek. Scenes are vulgar, hysterics ob- .^jlete ; she exliibits a calm, placid, impenetrable lake, Wtiose surface is reflection, but of unfathomable depth — a •tatue, whose life is hypothetical, and not xi'prima facie fact iCElfX T.J LONDON ASSURANCE 13 Max. Well, gi ve me the girl that will fly at your eyes in an argument, and stick to her point like a fox to his own tail. Sir 11. But etiquette, Max ! remember etiquette ! Max. Damn etiquette ! 1 have seen a man who thought it sacrilege to eat fish with a knife, that would not scruple to rise up and rob his brother of his birth-right in a gam- bling-house. Your thorough-bred, well-blooded heart, will seldom kick over the traces of good feeling. That's my opinion, and I don't care who knows it. • Sir H. Pardon me — etiquette is the pulse of society, by regulating which the body politic is retained in health. 1 consider myself one of the faculty in the art. 3Iax. Well, well ; you are a living libel upon common sense, for you are old enough to kn#w better. Sir H. Old enough ! What do you mean 1 Old ! I still retain all my little juvenile indiscretions, which your niece's beauties must teach me to discard. I have not sown my wild oats yet. Max. Time you did, at sixty-three. Sir H. Sixty-three ! Good Heavens !~forty, 'pon my life ! forty, next March. Max. Why, you are older than I am. Sir H. Oh ! you are old enough to be ray father. Max. Well, if I am, I am ; that's etiquette, 1 suppose. Poor Grace ! how often I have pitied her fate ! That a young and beautiful creature should be driven into wret- ched splendour, or miserable poverty ! Sir H. Wretched ! wherefore 1 Lady Courtly wretch- ed ! Impossible 1 Max. Will she not be compelled to marry you, whether she likes you or not ] — a choice between you and poverty. [Aside.\ And hang me if it isn't a tie ! But why do you not introduce your son Charles to me ] I have not seen him since he was a child. You would never permit him to accept any of my invitations to spend his vacation at Oak Hall, — of course, we shall have the pleasure cf his company now. Sir H. He is not fit to enter socie.y yet. He is a stu dijus, sober boy. Max. Boy ! Why, he's five-and-twenty. Sir H. Good gracious ! Max, — you will permit me to know my own son's age,- -he is not twenty I4 LONDON A5SUKANCE. £Act 1 Max. x'm dumb. Sir II, You will excuse me while I indulge in the pio« cess of dressing. Cool ! Enter Cool, r. Prej are my toilet. [Exit Cool, l.] That is a ceremony which, with me, supersedes all others. I consider it a du ty which every gentleman owes to society, to render him- self as agreeable an object as possible : and the least com- pliment a mortal can pay to nature, when she honours him by bestowing extra care in the manufacture of his person,, is to display her taste to the best possible advantage ; and so, au rcvoir. [Exit, l. c. Max. That's a good soul — he has his faults, and who has not 1 Forty years of age ! Oh, monstrous ! — but ho does look uncommonly young for sixty, spite of his foreign locks and complexion. Enter Dazzle, r. Daz. Who's my friend with the stick and gaiters, I won- der — one of the family — the governor, may be \ Max. Who's this '] Oh, Charles — is that you, my boy ] How are you 1 [Aside.^ This is the hoy. Daz. He knows me — he is too respectable for a bailiff. [Aloud.] How are you ] Max. Your father has just left me. Daz. [Aside] The devil he has ! He has been dead these ten years. Oh ! I see, he thinks I'm young Courtly. [jlhud.] The honour you would confer upon me, I must unwillingly disclaim, — I am not Mr. Courtly. Max. I beg pardon — a friend, I suppose"? Daz. Oh, a most intimate friend — a friend of years — distantly related to the family — one of my ancestors mar ried one of his. [Aside] Adam and Eve. Max. Are you on a visit here % Daz. Yes. Oh ! yes. [^5if cyphers after your unit on that and any other occasion. Med. Ha ! ha ! very good. Why, I did hope to have the honour of drawing out the deeds ; for, whatever Jenka may say to the contrary, I have no hesitation in saying — Sir H. [Putting him aside. — To Max] If the future La- dy Courtly be visible at so unfashionable an hour as this, I shall beg to be introduced. Max. Visible ! Ever since six this morning, I'll warrant ye. Two to one she is at dinner. Sir H. Dinner ! Is it possible 1 Lady Courtly dine at half-past one p. m. ! Med. I rather prefer that hour to peck a little my Sir H. Dear me ! who was addressing you 1 Med. Oh ! I beg pardon. Max. Here, James ! [ Calling. Enter James, l. Tell Miss Grace to come here directly. [Exit James, l.] Now prepare. Courtly, for, though I say it, she is — with the exception of my bay mare, Kitty — the handsomest thing in the country. Considering she is a biped, she is a wonder ! Full of blood, sound wind and limb, plenty of bone, sweet coat, in fine condition, with a thorough-bred step, as dainty as a pet greyhound. Sir H. Damme, don't compare her to a horse ! Max. Well, I wouldn't, but she's almost as fine a crea ture, — close similarities. Med. Oh, very fine creature ! Close similarity, amount- ing to identity. Sir H. Good gracious, sir ! What can a lawyer know about women ! Med. Everything. The consistorial court is a fine study of the character, and I have no hesitation in saying that 1 have examined more women than Jenks, or Sir H. Oh, damn Jenks ! Med. Sir, thank you. Damn him again, sir, danrn biro again ! Enter Grace, l. Grace. My dear uncle ! Max. Ah, Gra<'.e, you little jade, come here. 30 LONDON ASSURANCE. [Acrll Sir H. [Ei/eing her thrxOugJi his glass.] Oh, clear ! she is rural Venus ! I'm astonished an-', delighted. a Max. Won't you kiss your o^J uncle ? [Kisses her. Sir H. [Draws an agonizing facc\ Oh! — ah — um ! — N'importe ! — my privilege in embryo — hem ! It's very tantalizing, though. Max. You are not glad to see me, you are not. Sir H. Oh; no, no! [Aside,\ that is too much. I shall do something horrible presently, if this ^oes on. [Aloud.] I should be sorry to curtail any little ebullition of affection ; but — ahem I May I be permitted % Max. Of course you may. There, Grace, is Sir Har- court, your husband that will be. Go to him, girl. Sw H. Permit me to do homage to the charms, the pre- sence of wjiich have placed me in sight of Paradise. [Sir Harcourt and Grace retire. Enter Dazzle, l. Daz. Ah ! old fellow, how are you ] Max. I'm glad to see you. Are you comfortably quar- tered yet, eh ? Daz. Splendidly quartered ! What a place you've got ^nre ! Here, Hamilton. Enter Young Courtly. Permit me to introduce my friend, Augustus Hamilton Capital fellow 1 drinks like a sieve, and rides like a thun der-storm. Max. Sir, I'm devilish glad to see you. Here, Sir Har- court, permit me to introduce to you Young C. The devil ! Daz. [Aside.] What's the matter ] Young G. [Aside.] Why, that is my governor, by c wpi- ter! Daz. [Aside.] What, old Whiskers ! you don't say that 1 Young G. [Aside.] It is : what's to be done now ? Max. Mr. Hamilton, Sir Harcourt Cturtly — Sir Har- court Courtly, Mr. Hamilton. Sir II. Hamilton ! Good gracious ! God bless me ! • -why, Charles, is it possible 1 — why, Max, that's my son I Young G. [Aside.] What shall I do 1 Max. Your son ! Scene I.J LONDON ASSURANCE. 31 Grace. Your son, Sir Harcourt ! have you a son as old as that gentleman ! Sir H. No — that is — a yes, — not by twenty year* — a — Charles, why don't you answer me, sir ] Young C. [Aside to Dazzle.] What shall I say r Daz. [Aside.] Deny your identity. Young C. [J.5zVZe.] "Capital! [Aloud.] What's the matter sir 1 Sir H. How came you down here, sir 1 Young C. By one of Newman's best fours — in twelve nours and a quarter. Sir H. Isn't your name Charles Courtly ] Yowig C. Not to my knowledge. Sir H. Do you mean to say that you are usually called Augustus Hamilton ] Young C. Lamentable fact — and quite correct. Sir H. Cool, is that my son 1 Cool. No, sir — it is not Mr. Charles — but it is very like nim. Max. I cannot understand all this. [Goes up. Grace. [Aside }^ I think I can. Daz, [Aside to Young C.] Give him a touch of the in- dignant. Young C. Allow me to say, Sir What-d'ye-caH'em Hartly — Sir H. Hartly, sir ! Courtly, sir ! Courtly ! Young C. Well, Hartly, or Court-heart, or wnatever your name may be, I say your conduct is — a — a — , and were it not for the presence of this lady, I should feel in- clined—to — to — . Sir II. No, no, that can't be my son, — he never would address me in that way. Max. [Coming doivn.] What is all this? Sir H. Sir, your likeness to my son Charles is so asto- nishing, that it, for a moment — the equilibrium of my eti- quette — 'pon my life, I — permit me to request your pardcii. Med. Sir Harcourt, don't apologise, don't — bring an ao tion. I'm witness. Sir H. Some one take this man away. ^/^^cr James, l. James. Luncheon is on the tab!e, sir. 32 LONDON ASSURANCE. [Ac»n Sir II. jNJiss Ilarkaway, I never swore before a lady in my life — excejot when I promised to love and cherish the late Lady Courtly, which I took care to preface with an apology, — I was compelled to the ceremony, and conse- quently not answerable for the language — but to that gen- tleman's identity I would have pledged — my hair. Grace. [Aside.] If that security were called for, I suspect the answer wcjuld be — no effects. [Exeunt Sir Harcourt and Grace, l. Med. [To ilitt.T.] I have something very particular tc communicate. Max. Can't listen at present. [Exit, l. Med. [To Dazzle and Young C] I can afford you infer mation, which I T>az. Oh, dont bother ! i Young C. Go to the devil ! i [Extunty l. Med. Now, I have no hesitation in saying that is the height of ingratitude. — O^. — Mr. Cool— can you oblige me] [Presents Jiis account. Cool. Why, what is all this 1 Med. Small account versus you — to giving information concerning the last census of the population of Old borough and vicinity, six and eightpence. Cool. Oh, you mean to make me pay for this, do you? Med. Unconditionally. Cool. Well, 1 have no objection — the charge is fair- but remember, I am a servant on board wages, — will you throw in a little advice gratis — if I give you the money ? Med. Ahem !— I will. Cool. A fellow has insulted me. I want to abuse him— wnat terms are actionable 1 Bled. You may call him anything you please, providing there are no witnesses. Cool. Oh, may I ? [Looks round.] then you rascally, pet- tifogging scoundrel! Med. Hallo ! Cool. You mean — dirty — disgrace to your profession. Med. Libel — slander — Cool. Ay, but where are your witnesses ? Med. Give me the costs — six and eightpence. Cool, 1 deny that you gave ne information at all, Med You do ! Scire I.] LONDON ASSURANCE. 33 Cool, Y(js, where are your witnesses ] [ Exitf l. Med. All — damme , [Exit^ L. END OF ACT II. ACT III. Scene I. — A Morning-Room in Oalc Hall, French windows opening to the Lawn. Max and Sir Harcouht seated on one side, Dazzle on the other; Grace and Young Courtly playing chess at hack All dressed for dinner. Max. [Aside to Sir H.] What can I do ] Sir H. Get rid of them civilly. Max, What, turn them out, after I particularly invited them to stay a month or two 1 Sir H, Why, they are disreputable characters ; as for that young fellow, in whom my Lady Courtly appears so particularly absorbed, — I am bewildered — I have written to town for my Charles, my boy — it certainly is the most extraordinary likeness — Daz. Sir Harcourt, I have an idea — Sir H. Sir, I am delighted to hear it. — [Aside to Max.] That fellow is a swindler. Max. I met him at your house. Sir II. Never saw him before in all my life. Daz. [Crossing to Sir IL] I will bet you five to one that I can beat you three out of four games at billiards, with ono hand. Sir H, No, sir. Daz, I don't mind giving you ten points in fifty. Sir U, Sir, I never gamble. Daz. You don't ! Well, I'll teach you — easiest thing ia life — you have every requisite — good temper. Sir H. I have not, sir. Daz. A long-headed, knowing old buck. Sir H. Sir ! [Thci/ go up conversing with Max^ c. Grace. Really, Mr. Hamilton, you improve. — A young man pays us a visit, as you half intimate, to escape incon* venient friends — that is complimentary to us, his hosts. 34 LONDON ASSURANCE. ^Acr III. Young C. Nay, that is too severe. Grace. Affer an acquaintanceship of two daja, you sit Jown to teach me chess and domestic economy at the samo time. — Might I ask where you graduated in that science — where you learned all that store of matrimonial advice which you have obliged me with 1 [They come forward. Young C. I imbibed it, madam, from the moment I be- held you, and having studied my subject con amore^ took ray degrees from your eyes. Grace. Oh, I see you are a Master of Arts already. Young C. Unfortunately, no — I shall remain a bachelor — till you can assist me to that honour. [Sir Harcourt comes doicn — aside to Dazzle?^ Keep the old boy away. Daz. [Asidc?^ How do you get on ] Young C. [Aside.] Splendidly ! Sir H. Is the conversation strictly confidential ? — or might I join % Daz. [Taking his arin?[ Oh, not in the least, my dear sii — we were remarking that rifle shooting was an excellent diversion during the summer months. Sir H. [Drawing himself vp.\ Sir, T was addressing — Daz. And I was saying what a pity it was I couldn't find any one reasonable enough to back his opinion with long odds — come out on the lawn, and pitch up your hat, and I will hold you ten to one I put a bullet into it every time, at forty joaces. Sir H. No, sir — I consider you Max. Here, all of you — look, here is Lady Gay Spanker coming across the lawn at a hand gallop ! Sir H. [Rtmning to the window.] Bless me, the horse is running away ! Max. Look how she takes that fence ! there's a seat. Sir H. Lady Gay Spanker — who may she be 1 Grace. Gay Spanker, Sir Harcourt % My cousin and dearest friend — you must like her. Sir TI. It will be my devoir, since it is your wish— though it will be a hard task in your presence. Grace. I am sure she will like you. jS/r H. Ha ! ha ! I flatter myself. Young G. Who, and what is she 1 Grace, Glee, glee, made a living thing — Nature, in some fit>Iic mood, shut up a merry devil in her eye, and, spiting BcZMfil.] %0N1^0!v ASSURANCE. 35 Art, Stole joy's brightest hai mony to thrill her laugh, which peals out sorrow's knell. Her cry rings loudest in the field the very echo ioves it best, and as each hill attempts to ape her voice. Earth a ems to laugh that it made a thing <8o glad. Max. Ay, the merriest minx I ever kissed. [Lady Gay laughs without. Lady G. [ Wi/nout.] Max ! Max. Come n, you mischievous puss. Enter James, l. Jafnes. Mr. Adolphus and Lady Gay Spanker, [Exit Enter Lady Gay, l., ftiUy equipped in riding hahit, ^. Lady Gay. Ha ! ha ! Well, governor, how are ye ] I have been down five times, climbing up your stairs in my long clothes. How are you, Grace, dear] [Kisses her.] There, don't fidget. Max. And there — [kisses him\ there's one for you. Sir H. Ahem ! Lady Gay. Oh, gracious, I didn't see you had visitors. Max. Permit me to introduce — Sir Harcourt Courtly, Lady Gay Spanker. Mr. Dazzle, Mr. Hamilton — Lady Gay Spanker. ^ir H. [Aside.] A devilish fine woman ! Daz. [Aside to Sir iJ. | She's a devilish fine woman. Lady Gay. You musn't think anything of the liberties i take with my old papa here — bless him ! Sir H. Oh, no ! [^.s^Vi^'.] I only thought I should like to be in his place. Lady Gay. I am so glad you have come. Sir Harcourt. Now we shall be able to make a decent figure at the heels of a hunt. Sir H. Does your Ladyship hunt ? Lady Gay. Ha ! I say, Governor, does my Ladyship hunt 1 I rather flatter myself that I do hunt ! Why, Sir Harcourt, one might as well live without laughing as with- out hunting. Man was fashioned expressly to fit a horse. Are not hedges and ditches created for leaps ] Of course I And I look upon foxes to be one of the most blessed dispensations of a benign Providence. 36 LONDON ASSURANCE Act III Sir II. Yes it is all very well in the abstract : 1 tried it once. Ijady Gay. Once ! Only once 1 Sir II. Once, only once. And then the animal ran away with me. Lady Gay. Why, you would not have him walk 1 Sir H. Finding my society disagreeable, he instituted a series of kicks, with a view to removing the annoyance j but aided by the united stays of the mane and tail, I frus- trated his intentions. [All laugh.] His next resource, how ever, was more effectual, for he succeeded in rubbing me off against a tree. Max cV Lady Gay. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Daz. How absurd you must have looked with your legs and arms in the air, like a shipwrecked tea-tab]e. Sir H. Sir, I never looked absurd in my life. Ah, it may be very amusing in relation, I dare say, but very un- pleasant in effect. Lady Gay. I pity you, Sir Harcourt ; it was criminal in your parents to neglect your education so shamefully. Sir H. Pf>ssibly ; but be assured, I shall never break my neck awkwardly from ahorse, when it might be accom plished with less trouble from a bed-room window. Young C. \ Aside.] My dad will be caught by this she Bucephalus-tamer. Max. Ah ! Sir Harcourt, had you been here a month ago, you would have witnessed the most glorious run that ever swept over merry England's green cbeek — a steeple- chase, sir, which I intended to win, but my horse broke down the day before. I had a chance, notwithstanding, and but for Gay here, I should have won. How I regret- ted my absence from it ! How did my filly behave herse'/. Gay 1 Lady Gay. Gloriously, Max ! gloriously ! There were sixty horses in the field, all mettle to the bone : the start was a picture — away we went in a cloud — pell-mell — helter-skelter — the fools first, as usual, using themselves up — we soon passed them — first your Kitty, then my Blue- skin, and Craven's colt last. Then came the tug — Kitty skiramed the walls — Blueskin flew over the fences — the Colt neck-and-neck, and lialf a mile to run — at last the Coll baulked a leap and went wild. Kitty and J had in aU ScMeI.] LONDON iSSURANCE. 3^ to ourselves — slie was three lengths ahead as we breasted the last wall, six feet, if an inch, and a ditch on the other side. Now, for the first time, I gave Blueskin his head — ha ! ha ! Away he flew like a thunderbolt — over went the filly — I over the same spot, leaving Kitty in the ditch — walked the steeple, eight miles in thirty minutes, and scarcely turned a hair All. Bravo ! Bravo ! Lady Gay. Do you hunt 1 Daz. Hunt ! I belong to a hunting family. I was bom on horseback and cradled in a kennel ! Ay, and 1 hope 1 may die with a whoo- whoop ! Max. \To Sir H.] You must leave your town habits io the smoke of London ; here we rise with the lark. Sir H. Haven't the remotest conception when that pe- riod is. Grace. The man that misses sunrise loses the sweetest part of his existence. Sir H. Oh, pardon me ; I have seen sunrise frequently after a ball, or from the windows of my travelling carriage, and I ahvays considered it disagreeable. Grace. I love to watch the first tear that glistens in the opening eye of morning, the silent song the flowers breathe, the thrilling choir of the woodland minstrels, to which the modest brook trickles aplause : — these swelling out the sweetest chord of sweet creation's matins, seem to pour some soft and merry tale into the daylight's ear, as if the waking world had dreamed a happy thing, and now smiled o'er the telling of it. Sir H. The effect of a rustic education ! Who could ever discover music in a damp foggy morning, except those confounded waits, who never play in tune, and a misera- ble wretch who makes a point of crying coffee under my window just as I am persuading myself to sleep : in fact, I never heard any music worth listening to, except in Italy. Lady Gay. No 1 then you never heard a well-trained English pack in full cry ] Sir H. Full cry ! Lady G. Ay ! there is harmony, if you will. Give vc\t the trumpet-neigh ; the spotted pack just catching scent. What a chorus is their yelp ! The view-hallo, blent with a peal of free and fearless mirth ! That's our old Englisb uiu:*ic, — match it where you can. 38 LONDON ASSURANCE. [Act II* Sir H. [Aside.] I must see about Lady Gay Spanker. l)az. [Aside to Sir H.] Ah, would you Ladij Gay. Time then appears as young- as love, and plumes as swift a wing. Away we go ! The earth flies back to aid our course ! Horse, man, hound, earth, hea- ven ! — all — all — one piece of glowing ecstacy ! Then 1 love the world, myself, and every living thing, — my jocund Boul cries out for very glee, as it could wish that all crea- ation had but one mouth, that I might kiss it ! Sir H. [Aside.] I wish I were the mouth ! Max. Why, we will regenerate you, Baronet ! But tray, where is your husband 1 — Where is Adolphus ! Lady Gay. Bless me, where is my Dolly ] Sir H. You are married, then 1 Lady Gay. I have a husband somewhere, though I can'i find him just now. Dolly, dear! [Aside to Max.\ Gove^* nor, at home 1 always whistle when I want him. Enter Spanker, l. Span. Here I am, — did you call me. Gay 1 Sir II. [Eyeing him.] Is that your husband ? Lady Gay. [Aside] Yes, bless his stupid face, that's my Dolly. Max. Permit me to introduce you to Sir Harcourt Coart- ly- Sjyan. How d'ye do ] I — ah ! — um ! [Appears frigTitened. Lady Gay. Delighted to have the honour of making the acquaintance of a gentleman so highly celebrated in the world of fashion. Span. Oh, yes, delighted, I'm sure — quite — very, so de- lighted — delighted ! [Gets quite confused ^ draws on his glove, and tears it. Lady Gay. Where have you been, Dolly ] Span. Oh, ah, I was just outside. Max. Why did you not come in ] Span. I'm sure I didn't — I don't exactly know, but I thought as — perhaps — I can't remember. . Daz. Shall we have the pleasure of your company to dinner ] Span. I always dine — usually — thut i.s, unless Gay re- oiains ec«:17£ I.J L . NDON ASSURA SCE. SB Lady Gay. Stay dinner, of course ; we came ( n purposo «D Stop three or four days with you. Grace. Will you excuse my alssence, Gay % Max. What! what! Where are you going 1 What ou^es you away ! Grace. We must postpone the dinner till Gay is dressed "Max. Oh, never mind, — stay where you are. airacc. No, I must go. Max. I say you sha'n't ! I will be king in my own nouse. Grace. Do, my dear uncle ; — you shall be king, and I'll be your prime minister, — that is, I'll rule, and you shall have the honor of taking the consequences. [Exitf L. Lady Gay. Well said, Grace ; have your own way , H •s the only thing we women ought to be allowed. Max. Come, Gay, dress for dinner. Sir H. Permit me, Lady Gay Spanker. Lady Gay. With pleasure, — ^what do you want 1 Sir H. To escort you. Lady Gay. Oh, never mind, I can escort myself, thank you, and Dolly too ; — come, dear ! [JGxeV, K. Sir H. Au revoir ! Span. Ah, thank you ! [Exit awkwardly, R. Sir H. What an ill-assorted pair ! Max, Not a bit ! She married him for freedom, and she has it ; he married her for protection, and he has it. Sir II. How he ever summoned courage to propose to her, I can't guess. Max. Bless you, he never did. She proposed to him She says he would if he could ; but as he couldn't, she dia it for him. [Exeunt laughing, l. Enter Cool with a letter, l. Cool. Mr. Charles, I have been watching to find you alone. Sir Harcourt has written to town for you. Young G. The devil he has ! Cool. He expects you down to-morrow evening. Daz. Oh ! he'll be punctual. A thought strikes me. Young C. Pooh ! Confound your thoughts ! I can think of nothing but the idea of leaving Grace, at the very mo- ment when I had established the most Daz. What if I can prevent her marriage with youf Governor ] 40 LONDON ASSURANCE. [Act III Young C. Impossible ! Daz. He's pluming himself for the conquest of Lady Gay Spanker. It will not be difficult to make him believe she accedes to his suit. And if she would but join in th« plan Young G. I see it all. And do you think she would 1 J)az, I mistake my game if she would not. Cool. Here comes Sir Harcourt ! Daz. I'll begin with him. Retire, and watch how I'll open the campaign for you. [ Young Courtly and Cool retire Enter Sir Harcourt, l. Sir II. Here is that cursed fellow again. Daz. Ah, my dear old friend ! Sir H. Mr. Dazzle ! Daz. I have a secret of importance to disclose to you. Are you a man of honor ] Hush ! don't speak ; you are. It is with the greatest pain I am compelled to request you, as a gentleman, that you will shun studiously the society oi Lady Gay Spanker ! Sir H. Good gracious ! Wherefore, and by what righl do you make such a demand % Daz. Why, I am distantly related to the Spankers. Sir H. Why, damme, sir, if you don't appear to be ro lated to every family in Great Britain ! Daz. A good many of the nobility claim me as a con nection. But, to return — she is much struck with youi address ; evidently, she laid herself out for display Sir H. Ha ! you surprise me ! Daz. To entangle you. Sir H. Ha ! ha ! why, it did appear like it. Daz. You will spare her for my sake ; give her no en couragement ; if disgrace come upon my relatives, tht Spankers, I should never hold up my head again. Sir K. [Aside.] I shall achieve an easy conquest, and a jtIoHous. Ha ! ha ! I never remarked it before, but this is a gentleman. Daz. May I rely on your generosity 1 Sir H. Faithfully. [Shaka his hand.] Sir, I honour and esteem you ; but, might I ask, how came you to meet our fiiend, Max Harkaway, in my house in Belgrave Scuare I SCi£?£ 1 LONDON ASSURANCE. 41 He-enter Young Courtly. Sits on sofa at hack^ L. Baz. Certainly. I had an acceptance of ycKJr son's fu'. one hundred pounds. Sir H, \Astonishcd\ Of my son's 1 Impossible 1 Daz. Ah, sir, fact ! he paid a debt for a poor unfortunate man— fifteen childien--half-a-dozen wives— the devil knows what all. Sir H. Simple boy ! Daz. Innocent youth, I have no doubt ; when you have the hundred convenient, [ shall feel delighted. Sir H. Oh 1 follow me to my room, and if you have the document, it will be happiness to me to pay it. Poor Charles 1 good heart ! Daz. Oh, a splendid heart ! I dare say. [Exit Sir Harcourt, l.] Come, here ; write me the bill. Young a What for'? Daz. What for ] why, to release the unfortunate man and his family, to be sure, from jail. . Young C. Who is he 1 Daz. Yourself. Young C. But I haven't fifteen children ! Daz. Will you take your oath of that ? Young C. Nor four wives. Daz. More shame for you, with all that family. Come, don't be obstinate ; write and date it back. Young C. Ay, but where is the stamp 1 Daz. Here they are, of all patterns. [Pulls out a pochcf- book.\ I keep them ready drawn in case of necessity, all but the date and acceptance. Now, if you are in an auto- graphic humour, you can try how your signature will look across half-a-dozen of them ; — there — write — exactly — you know the place — across — good — and thank youi lucky stars ♦hat you have found a friend at last, that gives you money 3M.f\ advice. [Takes paper and exit, l. Young C. Things are approaching to a climax ; I must appear in propria 2)crsona — and immediately — but I must first ascertain what are the real sentiments of this riddle oi a woman. Does she love me ] I flatter myself — by Jove here she comes — I shall never have such an opportunity tgaio I 42 LONDON ASSURANCE. [At'T 1X1 Enter Grace, l. Grace. I wish I bad never seen Mr, Hamilt 3n. ^Vhy does every object appear robbed of the charm it once pre- sented to me % Why do I shudder at the contemplation of this marriage, which, till now, was to me a subject of in- difference ] Am I in love 1 In love ! if I am, my past life has been the work of raising up a pedestal to place my own folly on — I — the infidel — the railer ! Young C. Meditating upon matrimony, madam ] Grace. [Aside.] He little thinks he was the subject of my meditations ! [Aloud.] No. Young C. [Aside.] I must unmask my battery now. Grace. [Aside.] How foolish I am — he will perceive that I tremble — 1 must appear at ease. [Ajjause. Young C. Eh ? ah ! um ! Grace. Ah! [They sink into silence again. Aside.] How very awkward ! Young C. Inside.] It is a very difficult subject to begin [Aloud.] Madam — ahem — there v/as — is — I mean — I was about to remark — a — [jlsidc.] Hang me if it is not a very slippery subject. I must brush up my faculties ; attack her in her own way. [Aloud.] Sing! oh, muse! [Aside.] Why, I have made love before to a hundred women ! Grace. [Aside.] I wish 1 had something to do, for I have nothing to say. Young G. Madam — there is — a subject so fraught with fate to my future life, that you must pardon my lack of de- licacy should a too hasty expression mar the fervent cour- tesy of its intent. To you, 1 feel aware, I must a])pear in the light of a comparative stranger. Grace. [Aside.] I know what's coming. Young C. Of you — I know perhaps too much for my own peace. Grace. [Aside.] He is in love. Young C. I forget all that befel before I saw your beau- teous self; I seem born into another world — my nature changed — the beams of that bright face falling on my soul, have, from its chaos, warmed into life the flowrets of affec- tion, v.'hose maiden odours now float toward the sun, pour- ing forth on their pure tongue a mite of adoration, midst SCEHE I.] LONDON ASbUKANCE 43 the voices of a universe. [Aside.] That's something in her own style. Grace. Mr. Hamilton ! Youn^ C. You cannot feel surpi»isecl — — Grace. I am more thansurpiised. [^^side.] I am delight- ed. Young G. Do not speak so coldly. Grace. You have offended me. Young C. No, madam ; no woman, whatever her state, can be offended by the adoration even of the meanest ; it is myself whom 1 have offended and deceived — but still I ask your pardon. Grace. [Aside.] Oh ! he thinks I am refusing him. [Aloud.] I am not exactly offended, but Young G. Conskler my position — a few days — and an insurmountable barrier would have placed you beyond my wildest hopes — you would have been my moliher. Grace. I should have been your mother ! [Aside.] 1 thought so. Young C. No — that is, I meant Sir Harcourt Courtly's bride. Grace. [ WitJi great empJiasis.] Never ! Young C. How ! never ! may I then hope ? — you turn away — you would not lacerate me by a refusal ] Grace. [Aside.] How stupid he is ! Young C. Still silent ! I thank you, Miss Grace — -I ought to have expected this — fool that 1 have been — one course alone remains — farewell ! Grace. [Aside.] Now he's going. Young C. Farewell forever ! [SitsI] Will you not speak one word ] I shall leave this house immediately — I shall not see you again. Grace. Unhand me, sir, I insist. Young C. [Aside.] Oh ! what an ass I've been ! [Rushes up to her and seizes her hand.] Release this hand ] Never ! never ! [Kissing it.] Never will I quit this hand ! it shall be my companion in misery — in solitude — when you are far away. Grace. Oh ! should any one come ! [Drops Jier handker- chief ; he stoops to ^^/c'/f it vp.] For heaven's sake do not kueel. Ycvng C. [Kneels.] Forever thus prostrate, Defore my 44 LONDON ASSURANCE [Act III sours saint, 1 will lead a pious life of eternal acoration. Grace. Should we be discovered thus — pray, Mr. Hamil- ton — pray — pray. Young O. Pray ! I am praying ; what more can 1 do 1 Grace. Your conduct is shameful. Young C. It is, [Rises. Grace. And if I do not scream, it is not for your sake— that — but it might alarm the family. Young C. It might — it would. Say, am I wholly indif- ferent to you 1 I entreat one word — I implore you — do not withdraw your hand — [She snatclics it away — he puts his around her ivaist.] You smile. Grace. Leave me, dear Mr. Hamilton ! Young C. Dear 1 Then 1 am dear to you ; that word once more ; say — say you love me ! Grace. Is this fair 1 [He catches her in his arms and kisses her. Enter Lady Gay Spanker, r. Lady Gay. Ha ! oh ! Grace. Gay ! destruction ! [Exit, l Young C. Fizgig ! The devil ! Lady Gay. Don't mind me — pray, don't let me be any interruption ! Young C. I was just Lady Gay. Yes, I see you were. Young C. Oh ! madam, how could you mar my bliss in the very ecstacy of its fulfilment ] Lady Gay. 1 always like to be in at the death. Never drop your ears ; bless you, she is only a little fresh — give her her head, and she will outrun herself Young C. Possibly ; but what am I to do ? Lady Gay. Keep your seat. Young C. But in a few days she will take a leap that must throw me — she marries Sir Harcourt Courtly. Lady Gay. Why, that is awkward, certainly ; bi t you can challenge him, and shoot him. Young C. Unfortunately, that is out of the question. Lady Gay. How so 1 Young C. You will not betray a secret, if I inform you 1 Lady Gay. All right — what is it ? Young C. I am his son. fiCSHBl.] LOx\DON ASSURANCE. 46 Lady Gay. What — his son ? But he does net know you ] Young C. No. 1 met him here by char.ce, and faced it out, I never saw him before in my life. Lady Gay. Beautiful ! — I see it all — you're in love with your mother, that should be — your w^ife, that will be. Young C. Now, 1 think I could distance the old gentle- man, if you will but lend us your assistance. Lady Gay. I will in anytiiing. Young C. You must know, then, that my father, Sir Har- court, has fallen desperately in love with you. Lady Gay. With me ! — [Uticrs a scream of deliglit,\ — That is delicious ! Young C. Now, if you only could Lady Gay. Could ! — I will. Ha ! ha ! I see my cue, I'll cross his scent — I'll draw him after me. Ho ! ho ] won't I make love to him 1 Ha ! Young C. The only objection might be Mr. Spanker who might Lady Gay. No, he mightn't, he 'as no objection. Bless him, he's an inestimable little character — you don't know him as well as I do. I dare say — ha ! ha ! [Dinner-bell rings.\ Here they come to dinner. I'll commence my operations on your governo- immediately. Ha! ha! how I shall enjoy it. Young C. Be guarded ! Enter Max Harkaway, Sir Harcourt, Dazzle, Grace and Spanker, l. Max. Now, gentlemen — Sir Harcourt, do you lead Grace. Lady Gay. I believe Sir Harcourt is engaged to me. [Ta/xcs his arm. Max. Well, please yourselves. [They -^Je out, Max Jirst, Young Courtly and G*ac* Sir Harcourt coquetting unth Lady Gay, leaving Dazzle who ojfers his arm to Sjianker END OF ACT III 46 LONDON ASSURANCE. lAc? l? A C T I V Scene I. — A handsome Draicing-Room in Cafe Hall, cJian deliers, tahlcs with hooks, drawings, ^r. Grace and La* DY Gay discovered. Servant handing Coffee. Grace. If there be one habit more abominable than ano- ther, it is that of the gentlemen sitting over their wine : it is a selfish, unfeeling fashion, and a gross insult to our Bex. Lady Gay. We are turned out just when the fun begins. How happy the poor wretches look at the contemplation of bsing rid of us. Grace. The conventional signal for the ladies to with- draw, is anxiously and deliberately waited for. Lady Gay. Then I begin to wish I were a man. Grace. The instant the door is closed upon us, there rises a roar ! Lady Gay. In celebration of their short-lived liberty, my love ; rejoicing over their emancipation. Grace. I think it very insulting, whatever it may be. Lad^y Gay. Ah ! my dear, philosophers say that man is tlie creature of an hour — it is the dinner hour, I suppose. [Loud noise. Cries of * A song, a song.' Grace. I am afraid they are getting too pleasant to be agreeable. Lady Gay. I hope the squire will restrict himself ; after his third bottle, he becomes rather voluminous. [Cries of * Silence.'] Some one is going to sing. [Jiwips up.] Let ua hear ! [Spaiiker is heard to sing. Grace. Oh, no, Gay, for heaven's sake ! Lady Gay. Oho ! ha ! ha ! why, that is my Dolly. [A. the conclusion of the verse.] Well, I never heard my Dolly sing before ! Happy wretches, how I envy them ! Enter James, l., witJi a note. James. Mn Hamilton has just left the house for Lor don, Grace. Impossible ! — that is, without seeing — that is— Lady Gay. Ha ! ha ! Grace. He never — speak, sii ! James. He left. Miss Grace, in a desperate hurry, and BCEWJ 1. 1 LONDON ASSURANCE 47 this iiote, I believe, for you. [Presenting a note on a salver Grace. For me ! - [About to snatch it, hut rcstraming her' self, takes it coolly. Exit James. [Reads.'] * Your manner during dinner has left me no alter- native but instant departure ; my absence will release you from the oppression which my society must necessarily inflict on your sensitive mind. It may tend also to smother, though it can ne- ver extinguish, that indomitable passion, of which I am the pas- sive victim. Dare I supplicate pardon and oblivion for the past? It is the last request of the self-deceived, but still loving ' Augustus Hamilton.' [Puts her hand to her forehead and appears giddy. Lady Gay. Hallo, Grace ! what's the matter % Grace. [Recoveri?ig herself] Nothing — the heat of the room. Lady Gay. Oh ! what excuse does he make 1 particulai unforeseen business, I suppose 1 Grace. Why, yes — a mere formula — a — a — you may put it in the fire. [Puts it in her hosom. Lady Gay. [Aside?^ It is near enough to the fire where it is. Grace. I'm glad he's gone. Lady Gay. So am I. Grace. He was a disagreeable, ignorant person. Lady Gay. Yes ; and so vulgar ! Grace. No, he was not at all vulgar. Lady Gay. I mean in appearance. Grace. Oh ! how can you say so ; he was very distmgut. Lady Gay. Well, I might have been mistaken, but I took him for a forward, intrusive Grace. Good gracious, Gay ! he was very retiring — even shy. Lady Gay. [Aside.] It's all right. She is in love, — blows hot and cold in the same breath. Grace. How can you be a competent judge ? Why, you have not known him more than a few hours, — while I —I Lady Gay. Have known bin two days and a quarter! I yield — I confess, I never was, Dr will be so intimate with him as you appeared to be ! H \ ! ha ! [Loud noise of arguiJient. The foldi?ig-doors are thrown open. Enter the whole party of gentlemen, apparently engaged in 48 I.ONIJON ASSURANCE. ^Acr if icar7n discussion. Theij assetnhle in hiots, while t?.e Ser* rants hand Cojft'c, ^"c. Max, Sir Harcourt, Dazzle, and Spanker, together. Daz. But, my Jear sir, consider llic posilioii of ihe two countries, under such a constitution. Sir II. The two countries ! What have they to do with tlic subject. Max. Everything. Look at their two legislative bonies. Span. Ay, look at their two legislative bodies. Sir H. Why, it would inevitably establish universal an archy and confusion. Grace. I think they are pretty well established already. Sjmn. Well, suppose it did, what has anarch}- and con- fusion to do with tlie subject % Lad]/ Gay. Do look at my Dolly : he is arguing — talk- ing politics — 'pon my life he is. [Calling.^ Mr. Spanker my dear ! Span. Excuse me, love, I am discussing a point of im portance. luadv Gay. Oh, that is delicious; he must discuss that to me. — \She goes vp and leads him down, he appears is have shaken off his gaiicherie, she shahcs her head.] Dolly ! Dolly ! Span. Pardon me, Lady Gay Spanker, I conceive your mutilation of my sponsorial appellation derogatory to my amour propre. Lady Gay. Your what ? Ho! hot Span. And I particularly request that, for the future, J may not be treated with that cavalier spirit which does not become your sex nor your station, your ladyship. Lady Gay. You have been indulging till you have lost the little wit nature dribbled into your unfortunate little head — your brains want the whipper-in — you are not your- self. Span. Madam, I am doubly myself; and permit me to inform you, that unless you voluntarily pay obedience to my commands, I shall enforce them. Lady Gay. Your commands ! Span. Yes, madam; I mean to put a full stop to your hunting. Lady Gay. You do ! ah ! [Aside.] I can scarcely apeak ScKSBl.^ LONDON ASSURANCE 49 from delight. [Aloud.] Who put such an idea into your head, for I am sure it is not an original emanation of your genius 1 Span, Sir Harcourt Courtly, my friend ; and now, mark aie ! I request, for your own sake, that I. may not be com- pelled to assfyrt my a — my authority, as your husband. I shall say "uo more than this^f you persist in your absurd "obellioii-- Ladv >'ay. Well ! Span. Contemplate a separation. [Looks at her haughtily and retires. Lady Gay. Now I'm happy ! My own little darling, inestimable Dolly, has tumbled into a spirit, somehow. Sir Harcourt, too ! Ha ! ha ! he's trying to make him ill-treat me, so that his own suit may thrive. Sir H. [Advances.] Lady Gay ! Lady Gay. Now for it. Sir H. What hours of misery were those I passed, when, by your secession, the room suffered a total eclipse. Lady Gay. Ah ! you flatter. Sir H. No, pardon me, that were imposF^ble. No, be- lieve me, I tried to join in the boisterous n*/rth,. but my thoughts would desert to the drawing-room. Ah ! how I envied the careless levity and cool indifference with which Mr. Spanker enjoyed your absence. Daz. [ Who is lounging in a chair.] Max, that Madeira is worth its weight in gold ; I hope you have more of it. Max. A pipe, I think. Daz. I consider a magnum of that nectar, and a meer- schaum of kanaster, to consummate the ultimatum of ai! mundane bliss. To drown myself in liquid ecstacy, and then blow a cloud on which the enfranchised soul could soar above Olympus. — Oh ! jEJw^cr James, L. James. Mr. Charles Courtly ! Sir H. Ah, n^w, Max, you must see a living apology few my conduct. Enter Young Courtly, dressed very 'plainly Well, Charles, how are you 1 Don't be afraid There, Max, what do you say now 1 60 . LOMON ASSUKj^NCE. [Act it. MaiJC. Well, this is tlie most extraordinary likeness. Grace. [Aside.] Yes — considering it is the oiiginal. I am not so easily deceived ! Max. Fir, I am delighted to see you. Young C. Thank you, sir. Daz. Will you be kind enough to introduce me. Sir Har court 1 Sir IL This is Mr. Dazzle, Charles. Young C. Which ? \hooking from Spanker to Dazzle Sir H. [To Lady Gay.] Is not that refreshing] Miss liarkaway — Charles, this is your mother, or rather will be. Young C. Madam, I shall love, honour, and obey you punctually. [Takes out a book, sighs, and goes up reading. Enter James, l. Sir H. You perceive ? Quite unused to society — per- fectly ignorant of every conventional rule of. life. James. The Doctor and the young ladies have arrived. - [Exit, L. Max. The young ladies — now we must to the ball — I make it a rule always to commence the festivities with a good old country dance — a rattling Sir Roger dc' Coverly ; come. Sir Harcourt. Sir II. Does this antiquity require a war-whoop in it 1 3Iax. Nothing but a nimble foot and a light heart. Sir H. Yery antediluvian indispensables ! Lady Gay Spanker, will you honour me by becoming my preceptor ? Lady Gay. Why, I am engaged — but [Aloud] on such a plea as Sir Harcourt's, I must v^^aive all obstacles. Max. Now, Grace, girl — give your hand to Mr. Courtly. Grace. Pray, excuse me, uncle — I have a headache. Sir H. [Aside.] Jealousy ! by the gods. — Jealous of my devotions at another's fane ! [Alo7id.] Charles my boy ! amuse Miss Grace during our absence. [Exit with Lady Gay, L. Max. But don't you dance, Mr. Courtly ! Young C. Dance, sir ! — I never dance— I can procure exercise in a much more rational manner — and music dis- turbs my meditations. Max. Well, do the gallant. ^ [Exit, l. Young C. I never studied that Art — but I have a Prize Essay on a Hydi'ostatic subject, which wovld delight her §fcMEl.] LOiNTON ASSURANCE. 61 •—for it enchanted the Reverend Doctor Pump, of Ccrpua Christi. Grace. [Aside.^ What on earth could have induced him to disguise himself in that frightful way ! — I rather suGpect some plot to entrap me into a confession. Young C. [Aside.] Dare I confess this trick to her ] No ! Not until I have proved her affection indisputably. Let me see — I must concoct. [ Takes a chair, and. forgetting his assumed cJiaracter, is ahout to take his natural free man- ner. — Grace looks surprised. — He turn abashed.] Madam, I have been desired to amuse you. Grace. Thank you. Young C. ' The labour we delight in, physics pain.' — I will draw you a moral, ahem ! Subject, the effects of inebriety ! — which, according to Ben Jonson — means per- plexion of the intellects, caused by imbibing spirituous li- quors. — About an hour before my arrival, I passed an ap- palling evidence of the effects of this state — a carriage was overthrown — horses killed — gentleman in a hopeless state, with his neck broken — all occasioned by the intoxication of the post-boy. Grace. That is very amusing. Young C. I found it edifying — nutritious food for re- flection — the expiring man desired his best complimeTit« to yo«. Grace. To me 1 Young C. Yes. . Grace. His name was — Young C. Mr. Augustus Hamilton. Grace. Augustus ! Oh ! [Affects to faint.] Young C. [Aside.] Huzza ! Grace. But where, sir, did this happen ? Young C. About four miles down the road. Grace. He must be conveyed here. Enter Servant, l. Serv. Mr. Meddle, madam. Htttt, & Enter Meddle, l. Med. On very particular 'business. Grace. Tha very person. My dear sir \ Med. My dear madam ! . 52 LONDON ASSURANCE. [AiT IV Grace. You m us execute a very particular ccmmission lor me immediately. Mr. Hamilton has met with a fright tul accident on the Loi.don road, and is in a dying state. Med. Well ! I have no hesitation in saying, he takes it uncommonly easy — he looks as if he was used to it. Graze. You mistake : that is not Mr. Hamilton, but Mr Courtly, who will exp.ain everything, and conduct you to the spot. Young C. [Aside.] Uh ! I must put a stop to all this, ei I shall be found out. — [Aloud.] Madam, that were useless, for I omitted to mention a small fact which occurred be- fore I left Mr, Hamilton — he died. Grace. Dear me ! Oh, then we needn't trouble you, Mr. Meddle. [3Iusic heard.] Hark! I hear they are commen- cing a waltz — if you will ask me — perhaps your society and conversation may tend to dispel the dreadful sensa- tions you have aroused. Young C. [Aside.] Hears of my death — screams out — and then asks rne to waltz ! I am bewildered ! Can sho suspect me ] I wonder which she likes best — me or my double ] Confound this disguise — I must retain it — 1 have g^ne too far with my dad to pull up now. — At your ser- ice, madam. Grace. [Aside.] 1 will j^ay him well for this trick ! [Exeunt, l., all but Meddle. Med. Well, if that is not Mr. Hamilton, scratch me out with a big blade, for I am a blot — a mistake upon the rolls. There is an error in the pleadings somewhere, and I will discover it. I would swear to his identity before the most discriminating jury. By the bye, this accident will form a capital excuse for my presence here. I just stepped in to see how matters worked, and — stay — here comes the bride- groom elect — and, oh ! in his very arms. Lady Gay Span- ker ! [Ltooks round.] Where are my witnesses 1 Oh, vhat Bome one else were here ! However, I can retire and grt Bome information, eh — Spanker versus Courtly — damages —"Witness. ^.Gets into an arm-chair, which he turns round. Enter Sir Harcourt Courtly, supjwrting Lat^v G-ay, L. Sir II. This cool room will iccover you. Lad?/ Gay. Excuse my trusting to you for support. Sir II I am iranspor'od 1 \llow' me thus ever to eiip fiCEWB IJ LONDON ASSURANCE, 4. J port this lovely burden, and I shall conceive t > dise is regained. [They sit.] Lady Gay. Oh ! Sir Harcourt, I feel ven faint. Sir H. The waltz made you giddy. Lady Gay. And I have left my salts in the other room. Sir II. I always carry a flacon, for the express accom modation of the fair sex. [Producing a smelling-hottle.\ Lady Gay. Thank you — ah! [She sighs.] Sir H. What a sigh was there ! Lady Gay. The vapour of consuming grief. Sir H. Grief? Is it possible ! Have you a grief? Arfi you unhappy 1 Dear me ! Lady Gay. Am I not married 1 Sir H. What a horrible state of existence ! Lady Gay. I am never contradicted, so there are none of those enlivening, interesting Iktle differences, which so pleasingly diversify the monotony of conjugal life, like spots of verdure— no quarrels, like oases in the desert of matrimony — no rows. Sir H. How vulgar ! what a brute ! Lady Gay. I never have anything but my own way ; and he won't permit me to spend more than 1 like. Sir H. Mean-spirited wretch ! Ludy Gay. How can I help being miserable % Sir H. Miserable ! I wonder you are not in a lunatic asylum, with such unheard-of barbarity ! Lady Gay. Bv<: worse than all that! Sir H Can ' , be out-heroded ] Lady Gay. f es, I could forgive that — I do — it is my duty. But OT y imagine — picture to yourself, my dear Sir Harcourt, th« agh I, the third daughter of an Earl, married him out of prty for his destitute and helpless situation aa a bachelor with ten thousand a year — conceive, if you can — he actually permits me, with the most placid indiffer- ence, to flirt with any old fool I may meet. Sir H. Good gracious ! miserable idiot ! Lady Gay. I fear there is an incon.patibility of temper, which renders a separation inevitable. Sir H. Indispensable, my dear madam ! Ah ! had I been the happy possessor of such a realm of bliss — what a beatific eternity unfolds itself to my extending imagina- tion ! Had another man but looked at you, I should have 54 * LONDON ASSURANCE. * [^^r f"? annihilated him at once ; and if he had the temerity to speak, his life alone could have expiated his crime. Lady Gaj/. Oh, an existence of such a nature is too bright for the eye of thought — too sweet to bear refiec tion. Sir H. My devotion, eternal, deep Lady Gay. Oh, Sir Harcourt ! Sir JI. [More Jerven fly.] Your every thought should be a separate study, — each wish forestalled by the quick ap- prehension of a kindred soul. Lady Gay. Alas ! how can I avoid my fate 1 Sir H. If a life — a heart — were offered to your astonish- ed view by one who is considered the index of fashion — the vane of the heau moiidc, — if you saw him at your feet, begging, beseeching your acceptance of all, and more than this, what would your answer Lady Gay. Ah ! I know of none so devoted ! Sir H. You do ! [Throwivg himself upon his k77ees.\ Be- hold Sir Harcourt Courtly ! [Meddle jumps up in the chair. Lady Gay. [Aside.] Ha! ha! Yoicks ! Puss has bro- ken cover. Sir H. Speak, adored, dearest Lady Gay ! — speak — will you fly from the tyranny, the wretched misery of such a monster's roof, and accept the soul which lives but in your presence ! Lady Gay. Do not press me. Oh, spare a weak, yield- ing woman, — be contented to know that you are, alas ! too dear to me. But the world — the world would say — Sir H. Let us be a precedent, to open a more extended and liberal view of matrimonial advantages to society. Lady Gay. How irresistible is your argument ! Oh ! pause ! Sir H. I have ascertained for a fact, that every trades- man of mine lives with his wife, and tins you see it has become a vulgar and plebeian custom. Lady Gay. Leave n^e ; I feel 1 cannot withstand your powers of persuasion. Swear that you will never forsake me. Sir H. Dictate the oath. May I grow wrinkled, — may two inches be added to the circumference of my waist, — may 1 lose the fall in my back, — may I be old and ugly the instant forego one tithe of adoration ! ScsHC 1 LONDON ASSURANCE. • 05 Lady Gay. I must believe you. Sir H, Shall we leave this detestable spot — this hoixible vicinity 1 Lady Gay. The sooner the bettev": to'-niorrow evening Jet it be. Now let me return ; my absence will be remark- ed. [He kisses her hand.\ Do I appear confused \ Has my agitation rendered me unfit to enter the room 1 Sir H. More angelic by a lovely tinge of heigVtened co- lour. Lady Gay. To-mon-ow, in this room, which opens on the lawn. Sir H. -At eleven o'clock. Lady Gay. Have your carriage in waiting, and four horses. Remember, .please be particular to have four; don't let the affair come off shabbily. Adieu, dear Sir Harcourt ! [Exit, l. Sir II. Veni, vidi, vici ! Hannibal, Caesar, Napoleon, Alexander never completed so fair a conquest in so short a time. She dropped fascinated. This is an unprecedent- ed example of the irresistible force of personal appearance combined with polished address. Poor creature ! how she loves me ! I pity so prostrating a passion, and ought to return it. I will : it is a duty I owe to society and fashion [Exit, L. Med. [Turns the chair roufid.] * There is a tide in the af- fairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortai/ty. This is my tide — 1 am the only witness. ' Virtue is sure to find its own reward.' But I've no time to contemplate what I shall be — something huge. Let me see — Spanker versus Courtly — Crim. Con. — Damages placed at .150,000/. at least, for juries always decimate your hopes. Enter Spanker, l. Span. I cannot find Gay anywhere, Med. The plaintiff himself—I m.ust commence the action. Mr. Spanker, as 1 have information of deep vital importance toimpart, will you take a seat I [They mt sol 'ranly. Med- die takes out a note-hook and ]^encil.] Ahem ! You have I wife! Re-enter Lady Gay behind^ l. Sfon. Yes 1 oelieve, I •• 56 LONDON ASSURANCE. ^ Act IV 31ed. Will you be kind enough, without any prevarica* tion, to answer my questions "i Span. You alaiTn — I MeJ. Compose yourself and reserve your feelings ; take time to consider. You have a wife ] Span, Yes Med. He has a wife — good — a hona-jide wife — bound morally and legally to be your wife, and nobody else's in effect, except on your written permission Span. But what has this Med. Hush ! allow me, my dear sir, to congratulate you. \^Shakes-his hand. Span. What for] Med. Lady Gay Spanker is about to dishonor the bond vf wedlock by eloping from you. Span. [Siarii?ig.] What ? Med, Be patient — I thought you would be overjoyed. Place the affair in my hands, and 1 will venture to promise the largest damages on record. ^an. Damn the damages ! — I want my wife. Oh, I'll go and ask her not to run away. She may run away with me — she may liunt — she may ride — anything she likes. Oh, sir, let us put a stop to this affair. Med. Put a stop to it ! do not alarm me, sir. Sir, you will spoil the most exquisite brief that was ever penned. It must proceed — it shall proceed. It is illegal to prevent it, and 1 will bring an action against you for wilful intent to injure the profession. Span. Oh, what an ass I am ! Oh, I have driven her to this. It was all that damned, brandy punch on the top of Burgundy. What a fool I was ! Med. It was the happiest moment of your life. ^pan. So I thought at the time ; but we live to grow wiser. Tell me, who is the vile seducer ? Med. Sir Harcourt Courtly. Span. Ha ! he is my best friend, Med. I should think he is. U you will accompany rao — here is a verbatim copy of the whole transaction m short-hand — sworn to by me. Span. Only let me have Gay back again. Med. Even thai; may be aiTanged : — this way. Span, That ©veJ' I should live to see my wife run away* .SCEWC 1.) LONDON ASSURANCE. 57 Oh, I will do any thing — keep two packs oi I unds — buy up every horse and ass in England — myself int. luded — oh ! [Exit Span, aid Med. l. Lady Gay. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Poor Dolly ! I'm sorry I must continue to- deceive him. If he would kindle up a little— So, that fellow overheard all^well, so much the better. Enter Young Courtly, r. Young C. My dear madam, how fares the plot 1 does my governor nibble 1 Lady Gay. Nibble ! he is caught and in the basket. I have just left him with a hook in his gills, panting for very lack of element. But how goes on your encounter 1 Young C. Bravely. By a simple ruse, I have discover- ed that she loves me. I see but one chance against the best termination I could hope. Lady Gay. What is that ] Yonng C. My father has told me that I return to town again to-morrow afternoon. Lady Gay. Well, I insist you stop and dine — keep out of the way. Young C. Oh, but what excuse shall I offer for disobe- dience ] What can I say when he sees me before dinner! Lady Gay. Say — say Grace. Enter Grace, i,., and gets hcliind tlie winaoiv curtains. Young C. Ha ! ha ! Lady Gay. 1 have arranged to elope with Sir Harcourl myself to-morrow night. Young C. The deuce you have ! Lady Gay, Now if you could persuade Grace to follow that example — his carriage will be waiting at the Park — be there a little before eleven, and it will just prevent out escape Can you make her agree to that ] Young C. Oh, without the slightest difficulty, if Mr Augustus Hamilton supplicates. Lady Gay. Success attend you. [Going.] Young C. I will bend the haughty Grace. [Going.] Lady Gay. Do. [Exeunt severally, f^ace. Will you \ END jP act IV G6 LONDON ASSURANCE rAcv¥ ACT V . Scene I. — J. Drawing-Room in Oak Hall. Enter Cool, l. Cool, This is the most serious affair Sir Harcourt hafi aver been engaged in. I took the liberty of considering nim a fool when he told me he was going to marry : but voluntarily to incur another man's incumbrance is very little short of madness. If he continues to conduct himself in this absurd manner, I shall be compelled to dismiss him. . Entci' Sir Harcourt, "L.^-eqidjpjped for travelling. Sir H. Cool ! Cool. Sir Harcourt. Sir II. Is my chariot in waiting? . Cool. For the last half hour at the park wicket. But, pardon the insinuation, sir ; would it not be more advisable to hesitate a little for a short reflection before you under- take the heavy responsibility of a woman ] Sir H. No : hesitation destroys the romance of a faux pas, and reduces it to the level of a mere mercantile cal- culation. Cool. What is to be done with Mr. Charles 1 Sir H. Ay, much against my will, Lady Gay prevailed on me to permit him to remain. You, Cool, must return him to College. Pass through London, and deliver these papers: here is a small notice of the coming elopement for the Morning Post ; this, by an eye-witness, for the Herald; this, with all the particulars, for the Chronicle ; and the full and circumstantial account for the evening journals — after which, meet us at Boulogne. Cool. Very good. Sir Harcourt. [Going. Sir H. Lose no time. Remember — Hotel Anglais, Bou- logne-sur-Mer. And, Cool, bring a few copies with you, and don't forget to distribute some amongst very particular friends. Cool. It shall be done. [Exit, l. " Sir H. With what indifference does a man of the world ** view the approach of the most perilous catastrophe ! My " position, hazardous us it i» entails none of that nervous Scene L J« LONDON ASSURANCE. 69 " excitement which a neophyte in the sr.nool of fashion ' would feel. I am as cool and steady as possible. Ifa- " bit, habit ! Oh ! how many roses will fade upon the cheek "of beauty, when the defalcation of Sir Harcourt Courtly " is whispered — then hinted — at last, confirmed and bruit- "ed. I think I see them. Then, on my return, they will * not dare to eject me — I am their sovereign ! Whoever "attempts to think of treason, I'll banish him from the " West End — I'll cut him — I'll put him out of fashion 1" Enter Lady Gay, l. Lady Gay. Sir Harcourt 1 Sir H. At your feet. Lady Gay. I had hoped you would have repented. Sir H. Repented ! Lady Gay. Have you not come to say it was a jest t— say you have ! Sir H. Love is too sacred a subject to be trifled with. Come, let us fly ! See, 1 have procured disguises Lady Gay. My courage begins to fail me. Let me re- turn. Sir H. Impossible ! Lady Gay. Where do you intend to take me ? Sir H. You shall be my guide. The carriage waits. Lady Gay. You will never desert me 1 Sir H. Desert ! Oh, Heavens ! Nay, do not hesitate — flight, now, alone is left to your desperate situation f Come, every moment is laden with danger. [ They are going » Lady Gay. Oh ! gracious ! Sir H. Hush i what is it ? Lady Gay. I have forgotten — I must return. Sir H. Impossible ! Lady Gay. I must ! I must ! I have left Max — a pet staghound, in his basket — without whom, life would be unendurable — I could not exist ! Sir 11. No, no. Let him be sent after us in a hamper. Lady Gay. In a hamper! Remorseless man! Go— « you l<»ve me not. How would you like to be sent after tae — inahanrperl Let me fetch him. Hark! I hear him squeal ! Oh ! Max — Max ! Sir IL Hush ! for Heaven's sake. They'll imagine GO LONDON ASSURANCE , [Act V you're calling the Squire. I hear footsteps : where can I retire 1 \Goes up, e. Enter Meddle, Spanker, Dazzle, and Max, l. Lady Gay screams. Med Spanker versus Courtly ! — I subpoena every ono of you as witnesses ! — I have 'em ready — here they are — shilling a-piece. [Giving them round Lady Gay. Where is Sir Harcourt 1 Med. There !— «-bear witness ! — call on the vile delin quent for protection ! Span. Oh ! his protection !' Lady Gay. What ] ha ! Med. I'll swear I overheard the whole elopement plan* ned — before any jury ! — where's the book 1 Span. Do you hear, you profligate ] Lady Gay. Ha! ha! ha! ha! Daz. But where is this wretched Lothario 1 Med. Ay, where is the defendant 1 Span. Where lies the hoary villain 1 Lady Gay. What villain % Span. That will not serve you ! — I'll not be blinded that way ! Med. We won't be blinded any way ! Max. I must seek Sir Harcourt, and demand an expla- nation ! Such a thing never occurred in Oak Hall before — It must be cleared up ! [Exit, k Med. [Aside to Spanker.] Now, take my advice ; remem- ber your gender. Mind the notes I have given you. Span. [Aside.] All right ! Here they are ! Now, ma- dam, I have procured the highest legal opinion on this point. Med. Hear ! hear ! Span. And the question resolves itself into a — into— What's this 1 [Looks at notes. Med. A nutshell ! Span. Yes, we are in a nutshell. Will you, in every respect, subscribe to my requests — desires — commands— yuook^ at notes] — orders — imperative — indicative — injunc- tive — or otherwise % Lady Gay. [Aside.] 'Pon my life, he's actually going to ■nume the ribl>ors, and take the box-seat. I must i^nl. 8 SciiKEl.j LONDON ASSURANCE 61 Btop to this. 1 will ! It w'Jl all ena in smoke. I know Sir Harcourt would rather run than Hght ! Daz. Oh ! I smell powder ! — command my Eervices. My dear madam, can I be of any use 1 Spon. Oh! a challenge! 1 must consult my legal ad- viser. Med. No ! impossible ! Daz. Pooh ! the easiest thing in life ! Leave it to me : What has an attorney to do with affairs of honour % — they are out of his element. Med. Cc/npromise the question ? Pull his nose ! — we have no objection to that. Daz. [Turning to Lady Gay.] Well, we have no objec- tion either — have we ? Lady Gay. No! — pull his nose — that will be something. Med. And, moreover, it is not exactly actionable ! Daz. Isn't it ! — thank you — I'll "bote down that piece of information — it may be useful. Med. How ! cheated out of my legal knowledge ] Lady Gay. Mr. Spanker, 1 am determined ! — I insist upon a challenge being sent to Sir Harcourt Courtly ! — and — mark me — if you refuse to fight him — I will. Med. Don't. Take my advice — you'll incapacit Lady Gay. Look you, Mr. Meddle, unless you wish me tO horsewhip you, hold your tongue. Med. What a she-tiger — I shall retire and collect my costs. [Exit, L. Lady Gay. Mr. Spanker, oblige me by writing as I dic- tate. Span. He's gone — and now 1 am defenceless ! Is this the fate of husbands ! — A duel ! — Is this the result of be- coming master of my own family ? Lady Gay. * Sir, the situation in which you were dis- covered with my wife, admits neither of explanation nor apology.' Span. Oh, yes ! but it does — I don't believe you really intended to run quite away. Lady Gay. You do not ; but I know better, I say I did ! and if it had not been for your unfortunate interrupt'-^n, I do not know where I might have been by this time. Go ». Span Nor apology.' I'm writing my own death-war- 5S LONDON /.SSURANCE. ^Act ^ rani - -committing suicide on compulsion. Ladrj Gay. ' The bearer will arrange all preaminary matters ; for another day must see this sacrilege expiated by your life, or that ot * Yours very sincerely, * Dolly Spanker.' Now, Mr. Dazzle. [Gives it over his head. Daz, The document is as sacred as if it were a hundred pound bill. Lady Gay. We trust to your discretion. Span. His discretion ! Oh, put your head in a tiger's mouth, and trust to his discretion ! Daz. [Scaling letter, Sfc, with Span/cers seal.] My dear Lady Gay, matters of this kind are indigenous to my na- ture, independently of their pervading fascination to all humanity ; but this is the more especially delightful, as you may perceive I shall be the intimate and bosom friend of both parties. Lady Gay. Is it not the only alternative in such a case 1 Daz. It is a beautiful panacea in any, in every case. I Going — returns.] By the way, where would you like this party of pleasure to come off? Open air shooting is plea- sant-enough, but if I might venture to advise, we could or- der half-a-dozen of that Madeira and a box of cigars into the billiard-room, so make a night of it; take up the irons every now and then ; string for first shot, and blaze away at one another in an amicable and gentlemanlike way ; so conclude the matter before the potency of the liquor could disturb the individuality of the object, or the smoke of the ciga s render the outline dubious. Does such an arrange- raen , coincide with your views ? L idy Gay. Perfectly. Daz. I trust shortly to be the harbinger of happy tidings. [Exit, L. Span. [Coming foward.] Lady Gay Spanker, are you .imbitious of becoming a widow ] Lady Gay. Why, Dolly, woman is at best but weak, and weeds become me. Sjmn. Female ! am I to be immolated on the altar of your vanity. Lady Gay. If you become pathetic, I shall laugh. Span. Farewell — base, heartless, unfeeling woman ! [Exit., L. BcbotbI.] LONDON ASSURANCE. 63 .^ Lady Gay. Ha ! well, ao I am. I am heartless for Ijo is a dear, good little fellow, and I ought not to play upon his feelings : but 'pon my life he sounds so well up at con- cert pitch, that I feel disinclined to untune him. Poor Doll, I didn't think he cared so much about me. I will put him out of pain. {Exit, l. Sir Harcourt comes down. Sir H. I have been a fool ! a dupe to my own vanity. I shall be pointed at as a ridiculous old coxcomb — and so I am. The hour of conviction is arrived. Have I de- ceived myself] — Have I turned all my senses inwards looking towards self— always self?— and has the world been ever laughing at me 1 Well, if they have, I will re- vert the joke ;— they may say I am an old ass ; but I will prove that I am neither too old to repent my folly, nor such an ass as to flinch from confessing it. A blow' half met is but half felt. Enter Dazzle, l. Daz. Sir Harcourt, may I be permitted the honour of a few minutes' conversation with you ] Sir IT. With pleasure. Daz. Have the kindness to throw your eye over that. [Gives letter. Sir IT. [Beads.] * Situatioi] — my wife — apology — expi- ate—my life.' ^ Why, this is intended for a challenge. .Daz. Why, indeed, I am perfectly aware that tt is not quite en regie in the couching, for with that I had nothing to do; but I trust that the irregularity of the composition will be confounded in the beauty of the subject. Sir H. Mr. Dazzle, are you in earnest % Daz. Sir Harcourt Courtly, upon my honour I am, anu I hope that no previous engagement will interfere with an /mmediate reply in propria persona. We have fixed upon the billiard room as the scene of action, which I have jusi: seen properly illuminated in honour of the occasion ; and, by the bye, if your implements are not handy, I can oblige you with a pair of the sweetest things you ever handled — hair-triggered- saw grip ; heir-looms in my family. I re- gard them almost in the light of relations. Sii H. Sir, I shall avail myself of one of your relativef \Aside.] One of the hereditaments of my folly— I, must a cept it. [Aloud.] Sir, I shall be happy to meet Mr. Spankor at any time or place h^ may appoint. 64 LOxXDON ASSURANCE lAct'? Daz. The sooner the better, sir. Allow me to offer you my arm. I see you understand these matters ; — my friend Spanker is wofully ignorant — miserably uneducated. [Exeunt, l. Re-enter Max, with Grace, r. Max. Give ye joy, girl, give ye joy. Sir Harcourt Coirtly must consent to waive all title to your hand in fa- vour of his son Charles. Gi'ace. Oh, indeed ! Is that the pith of your congratu- lation — humph ! the exchange of an old fool for a young one ] Pardon me if I am not able to distinguish the ad- vantage. Max. Advantage ! Grace. Moreover, by what right am I a transferable ci- pher in the family of Courtly 1 So, then, my fate is reduc- ed to this, to sacrifice my fortune, or unite myself with a worm-eaten edition of the Classics! Max. Why, he certainly is not such a fellow as I could have chosen for my little Grace ; but consider, to retain fifteen thousand a-year ! Now, tell me honestly — but why should I say Jionestly ? Speak, girl, would you rather not have the lad ? Grace. Why do you ask me 1 Max. Why, look ye, I'm an old fellow ; another hunting season or two, and I shall be in at my own death — I can't leave you this house and land, because they are entailed, nor can I say I'm sorry for it, for it is a good law ; but I have a little box with my Grace's name upon it, where, since your father's death and miserly will, I have yearly placed a certain sum to be yours, should you refuse to ful- fil the conditions prescribed. Grace. My own dear uncle ! [ Clasping him round the neck. Max. Pooh 1 pooh ! what's to do now ? Why, it waa only a trifle — why, you little rogue, what are you crying about 1 Grace. Nothing, but Max. But what 1 Come, out with it : Will you haTfl young Courtly 1 . Re-enter Ladv Gay, l. hady Gay, Oh ! Max, Max ! •CCITE I.] LONDON ASSURANCE W J^ax. Why what's amiss with you 1 Jjady Gay. I'm a wicked woman ! Max. What have you done 1 Lady Gay. Everything — oh, I thought Sir Harcourt w^as a coward, but now I find a man may be a coxcomb without being a poltroon. Just to show my husband how inconvenient it is to hold the ribands sometimes, I made him send a challenge to the old fellow, and he, to my surprise, accepted it, and is going to blow my Dolly's brains out in the billiard-room. Max. The devil ! Lady Gay. Just when I imagined I had got my whip hand of him again, outcomes my linch-pin — and over I go —oh! Max. I will soon put a stop to that — a duel under my roof! Murder in Oak Hall ! I'll shoot them, both ! [Exit^ L. Grace. Are you really in earnest % Lady Gay. Do you think it looks like a joke % Oh ! Dolly, if you allow yourself to be shot, 1 will never forgive you — never ! All, he is a great fool, Grace ! but I can't tell why, I would sooner lose my bridle hand than he should be hurt on my account. Enter Sir Harcourt, l. Tell me — tell me — have you shot him — is he dead — my dear Sir Harcourt 1 You horrid old brute — have you kill- ed him ] I shall never forgive myself. \Exit, l Grace. Oh ! Sir Harcourt, what has happened 1 Sir H. Don't be alarmed, I be": — your uncle interrupted us — discharged the weapons — locked the challenger up in the billiard-room to cool his rage. Grace. Thank Heaven ! Sir H. Miss Grace, to apologise for my conduct were aseless, more especially as I am confident that no feelings of indignation or sorrow for my late acts are cherished by you ; but still, reparation is in my power, and I not only waive all title, right, or claim to your person or your for- tune, but freely admit your power to bestow them on a more worthy object. Grace. This generosity. Sir Harcourt, is most unexpect- 66 LONtON ASSURANCE. fAc* t Sir H. No, not generosity, but simplj justxe, justice ! Grace. May I still beg a favour 1 Sir H. Claim anything that is min.e to grant. Grace. You have been duped by Lady Gay Spanker, I have also been cheated and played upon by her and Mr. Hamilton — may I beg that the contract between us, may, £0 all appearances, be still held good ] Sir II. Certainly, although I confess I cannot see the point of your purpose. Enter Max, icith Young Courtly, \.. Max. Now, Grace, I have brought the lad. Grace. Thank you, uncle, but tbe trouble was quite ur; necessary — Sir Harcourt holds to his original contract. Max. The deuce he does ! Grace. And [ am willing — nay, eager, to become Ladj Courtly. Young C. [Aside.] The deuce you are ! Max. But, Sir Harcourt Sir II. One word, Max. for an instant. [77/e?/ 7'etirc^ l. Young C. [Aside.] What can thi'=^ mean 1 Can it be possible that I have been mistaken — that she is not in love with Augustus Hamilton ? Grace. Now we shall find how ho intends to bend the haucrhty Grace. Young C. Madam — Miss, I mean, — are you really in earnest — are you in love with ray father ? Grace. No, indeed I am not. Young C. Are you in love with any one else ? Grace. No, or I should not marry him. Young C. Then you actually accept him as your real Qusband ] Grace. In the common acceptation of the word. Young C. [Aside.] Hang me if I have not been a pretty fool ! [AIo2(d.\ Why do you marry him, if. you don't caro ftbont him ] Grace. To save my fortune. Young C. [Aside.] Mercenary, cold-hearted girl! [Aloud^ But if there be any one you love in the least— marry him, - were you never in love 1 Grace. Never j Ycung C. [A-side.] Oh .' what an ass I've been ! \/ilfjvd^ LONDON AbGUKANXE. 67 I heard Laay Gay mention something ab^ut a Mr Humil- ton. Grace, Ah, yes, a person who, after an acquaintance- ship of two days, had the assurance to make love to me, and Young C. Y"es, — you — Well 1 . Grace. I pretended to receive his attentions. Young C. [Aside.] \t was the best pretence I ever saw, Grace. An absurd, vain, conceited coxcomb, who appear- ed to imagine that I was so struck with his fulsome speech, that he could turn me round his finger. Young C. [Aside.] My very thoughts ! Grace. But he was mistaken. Young G. [Aside.] Confoundedly ! [Aloud.] Yet you seemed rather concerned about the mews of his death. Grace. His accident ? No, but Young C. But what ? Grace. [Aside.] What can I say ? [Aloud.] Ah ! but my maid Pert's brother is a post-boy, and I thought he migb^ have sustained an injury, poor boy. Young C. [Aside.] Damn the post-boy ! [Aloud.] Madam» jf the retention of your fortune be the plea on which you are about to bestow your hand on one you do not love, and whose very actions speak his carelessness for that inestima- ble jewel he is incapable of appreciating — know that I am devotedly, madly attached to you. Grace. You, sir ^ Impossible! Young C. Not at all, — but inevitable, — I have been so for a long time. Grace. Why, you never saw me till last night. Young C. I have seen you in imagination — you are the ideal I have worshipped. Grace. Since you press me into a confession, — 'which nothing but this could bring me to speak, — know, I did love poor Augustus Hamilton — Re-enter Max and Sir Harcourt. but he — he is — no — more ! Pray, spare me, sir. Young C. [Aside.] She loves ir.e ! And, oh ! what a si- tuation I am in ! — if I own I a'n the man, my governor will overhear, and ruin me — if i do not, she'll marry him. —What is to be done 1 OC LONDON AStsURANCE fAcT tf E?iter Lady Gay, l. I^ad1/ Gay. Where have you put my Dolly 1 I have oeen lacing all round the house — tell me, is he quite dead ! Max. I'll have him brought in. \Exit^ l. Sir H. My dear madam, you must perceive this unfortu- nate occurrence was no fault of mine. I was compelled to act as I have done — I was willing to offer any apology, but that resource was excluded, as unacceptable. Lady Gay. I Imow — I know — 'twas 1 made him write that letter — there was no apology required — 'twas I that apparently seduced you from the paths of propriety : — 'twas all a joke, and here is the end of it. Enter Max, 'Spanker, and Dazzle, l. Oh ! if he had but lived to say, *' I forgive you, Gay !" Span. So I do ! Lady Gay. [Seeing hi??i.] Ah ! he is alive ! Span. Of course 1 am ! Lady Gay. Ha ! ha ! ha ! [Embraces Jiim.] I will never hunt again — unless you wish it. Sell your stable Span. No, Tio — do what you like — say what you like for the future ! I find the head of a family has less ease and more responsibility than I, as a member, could have antici- pated. I abdicate ! Enter Cool, l. Sir H. Ah! Cool, here! [Aside to Cool.] You may de- stroy those papers — I have altered my mind, and 1 do not intend to elope at present. Where are they 1 Cool. As you seemed particular. Sir Harcourt, I sent tnem off to London by mail. Sir H. Why, then, a fulUdescription of the whole affair v»'ill be published to-morrow. Cool. Most irretrievably ! Sir H. You must post to town immediately, and stop the press. Cool. Beg pardon — but they would see me hanged first Sir Harcourt, they don't frequently meet with such a pro- fitable lie. Servant I Without. \ No, sir! no, sir J §cm I.) LONDON ASSURANCE 69 Enter Si]vrt>soN, l. Simpson. Sir, there's a gentleman, who calls himself Mr Solomon Isaacs, insists upon following me up. [Exit, l. Enter Mr. Solomon Isaacs, l. Isaacs. Mr. Courtly, you will excuse my performaace of a most disagreeable duty at any time, but more especially in such a manner. 1 must beg the honour of your con pany to town. Sir H. What! how! what for 1 Isaacs. For debt, Sir Harcourt. Sir H. Arrested '? impossible ! Here must be soma mistake. Isaacs. Not the slightest, sir. Judgment has been given in five cases, for the last three months ; but Mr. Courtly is an eel rather too nimble for my men. We have been op his track, and traced him down to this village, with Mi Dazzle. Daz. Ah ! Isaacs ! how are you ? Isaacs. Thank you, sir. [Speaks to Sir'H.] Max. Do you know him 1 Daz. Oh, intimately ! Distantly related to his family- same arms on our escutcheon — empty purse falling thro' a hole in a — pocket : motto, * Requiascet in pace' — which means, * Let virtue be its own reward.' Sir H. [To Isaacs.] Oh, I thought there was a mistake ! Know, to your misfortune, that Mr. Hamilton was the per- son you dogged to Oak Hall, between whom and my son a most remarkable likeness exists. Isaacs. Ha ! ha ! Know, to your misfortune, Sir Har court, that Mr. Hamilton and Mr. Courtly are one and the same person ! Sir H. Ch-arles ! Young C. Concealment is in vain — I am Augustus Ha- milton. Sir H. Hang me if I didn't think it all along ! Oh you infernc], cozening dog! ^ Cropses to him, Isaacs. Now, then, Mr. Hamilton Grace. Stay, sir — Mr. Charles Courtly is under age- ask his father. Sir H. Ahem ! — I won't — I won't pay a shilling of the rascal's debts — not a sixpence ! *^0 LONDON ASSURANCE. [ACT? Grace. Then I will — you may retire. [Exit IsaacSt l. Young C. I can now perceive the generous point of your conduct towards me ; and, believe me, I appreciate, and will endeavour to deserve it. Max. Ha ! ha ! Come, Sir Harcourt, you have been fairly beaten — you must forgive him — say you will. Sir H. So, sir, it appears you have been leading, covert- y, an infernal town life 1 Young C. Yes, please, father. [Imitating blaster Charles. Sir II. None of your humbug, sir ! [^*i<^e.] He is my own son — how could I expect him to keep out of the fire ? [Aloud. \ And you, Mr. Cool !— have you been deceiv- ing me 1 Cool. Oh ! Sir Harcourt, if your perception was played upon, how could I be expected to see ] [Exit, l. Sir H. Well, it would be useless to withhold my hand. There, boy ! [He gives his hand to Young Courtly. Grace zomes down on the other side and offers her hand ; he takes it.\ What is all this 1 What do you want % Young C. Your blessing, father. Grace. If you please, father. Sir H. Oho ! the mystery is being solved. So, so, you young scoundrel, you have been making love — under the rose. Lady Gay. He learnt that from you. Sir Harcourt. Sir II. Ahem ! What would you do now, if I were to withhold my consent? Grace. jDo without it. Max. The will says, if Grace marries any one but you, her property reverts to your heir-apparent — and there he stands. Lady Gay. Make a virtue of necessity. Span. I married from inclination, and see how happy I am. And if ever I have a son Lady Gay. Hush ! Dolly, dear ! Sir II. Well ! take her, boy ! Although you are too young to marry. ] They retire with Max, Lady Gay. Am I forgiven, Sir Harcourt ] Sir II. Ahem ! Why — a — [Aside.] Have you really deceived me ? Lady Gay. Can you not see through this 1 e«;r>B I.J • LONDON ASSURANCE. 7l Sir IT. And you still love me 1 Lady Gay. As much as I ever did. Sir H. [Is about to kiss her/iand, when Spanker intcrjtosts between.] A very handsome ving, indeed. Si)an. Very. \JPuts her arm in his, and they go up Sir II. Poor little Spanker ! Max. [Coming down, aside to Sir H.] One point I v/ish .o have settled. Who is Mr. Dazzle 1 Sir H. A relative of the Spankers, he told me. Max. Oh, no, a near connexion of yours'. Sir H.' Never saw him before I came down here, in ali my life. [To Young Courtly.] Charles, who is Mr. Dazzle I Young C. Dazzle, Dazzle, — will you excuse an imper- tinent question 1 — but who the deuce are you ? Daz. Certainly, I have not the remotest idea. All. How, sir ] Daz. Simple question as you may think it, it would puzzle half the world to answer. One thing \ can vouch — Nature made me a gentleman — that is, I live on the best that can be procured for credit. I never spend my own money when I can oblige a friend. I'm always thick on the winning horse. I'm an epidemic on the traae of tailor. For further particulars, inquire of any sitting ma- gistrate. Sir H. And these are the deeds which attest your title to the name of gentleman 1 I perceive you have caught the infection of the present age. Charles, permit me, as your father, and you, sir, as his friend, to correct you on one point. Barefaced assurance is the vulgar substitute for gentlemanly ease; and there are many, who, by aping the vices of the great, imagine that they elevate themselvet to the rank of those, whose faults alone they copy. No ! sir. Tiie title of gentleman is the only one out of any mo- narch's gift, yet within the reach of every peasant. It should be engrossed by Truth — stamped with Honor — seal- ed with good-feeling — signed Man — and enrolled in eveiy true young iingliijh heart. THS END. 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