** A*fVA» WWW jpipj si ?ihfm2% N nSSS^w '■'«*''. n r*nr , ? , -i'-' ; ii||g i^Mf^iMSK HKiil I LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, t t L_ &SO || t UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, t ECCENTRICITIES FOR EDINBURGH: CONTAINING POEMS, entitle'd A LAMENTATION TO SCOTCH BOOKSELLERS. TIRE ; or THE SUN-POKER. MR. CHAMPERNOUNE. THE LUMINOUS HISTORIAN ; or LEARNING IN LOVE. LONDON RURALITY; or MISS BUNN, AND MRS. BUNT. / BY GEORGE COLMAN, the Younger. " His saltern vestrd detur in Urbe locus.' 1 Ovid. EDINBURGH: PRINTED FOR JOHN BALLANTYNE, HANOVER STREET ; AND FOR LONGMAN, HUP.ST, REES, ORME, AND BROWN, LONDON ; By James Ballantyne and Co., Edinburgh. ADVERTISEMENT. In this age, when Caledonian Genius is so pro* lifick, the manuscript Poetry of an Englishman rarely, if ever, ventures into the Scotch Press : and the Verses in this little Volume are deno- minated Eccentricities, — not on account of their deviation from the centre of intellectual gravity, but — because they have wander'd out of their regular typographical orbit, to enter the latitude of North Britain. The chances are that they may prove as evanescent, there, as Comets, — IV much more so, indeed, when it is recollected that Publications which may be only calYd phe- nomena through their locality, and not account- ed remarkable for their brilliancy, are very ra- pid in their transit. This method of publishing was adopted in consequence of an offer from Edinburgh Book- sellers, to purchase some Tales in Verse, to be written by the present Author ; the subjects of which they left to his own discretion, — or indis- cretion : — if any blame, therefore, be attach'd to these Booksellers, it cannot be for choosing the Poems, (since they did not choose them,) but for choosing the Poet, He is duly sensible of the distinction they have shewn him, by inviting him among them, but their proposal has not tickle'd his vanity ; nor can it be mortified by the censure of Censu- rers by Trade, if they charge him with arro- gance in accepting it :— for, this kind of metre- mongery can scarcely be reckon'd a branch of his profess'd business ; — his chief persuit (per- suing it how he can) is dramatick composition ; and he is certain that his endeavour merely to raise a laugh, among the good people of the North, can never be fairly construe'd into an attempt at competition with their native Versi- fiers, who are now flourishing with such well- deserve' d popularity. While the living Bards of Scotland, who take our Taste and Passions by storm, are can- nonading London, with their Sublime and Beau- tiful, both they and their Admirers must be too liberal to object to a few English crackers, of VI our Lowly and Ludicrous, thrown into Edin- burgh. After all, it may be contended that transmit- ting Verse to Scotland, in the present day, is sending Coal to Newcastle : — yet the Rhyme here submitted is but a sort of small-coal, — unlike any thing to be found in the large Mines of Fancy, now open'd, north of the Tweed ; and, if it's novelty should happen to render it not unwelcome, the Reviewers may be as smart upon small-coaly and a Small Coal-man, as, in their facetious wisdoms, it seemeth meet. In collecting Subjects for the Tales, little has been left to choice : — scarcely any humorous gtory presents itself which has not been hack- ney'd in print, and which does not cause a Scrib- bler to exclaim, " nil dictum quod non dictum 11 Vll prius /" — The Author has, of course, given the preference to those materials from which he was able, or fancied he was able, to extract the most amusement. As an answer to any objections, relative to the punctuation of Preterits, Participles, and Adjectives, the Reader is referr'd to the Pre- face to " Poetical Vagaries ;" second edition, octavo : — a few copies of which were, by acci- dent, issue'd, wanting the Errata, mark'd at the end ; — but, without these corrections, the prefa- tory matter is by no means so clear as it ought to be. ERRATA. Page 11. — in the Note ; — for Japelus read Iapetus. Page 17.— at the end of the first line put a comma* Page 30.— in the last line but one, dele the comma. Page 31.— line three — after the word Runt, instead of acorn- ma, put a semicolon. Page 33.— place the eleventh line even with those between which it stands. Page 40«— fourth line — for was, read were. Page 50. — at the end of the third line put a semicolon. Page 82. — line five — after the word despair put a semicolon. Page 95.— line four — instead of For sprucer, read In sprucer. A LAMENTATION; address'd TO THOSE BOOKSELLERS OF EDINBURGH WHO HAVE PURCHASE'D THE COPY-RIGHT OF THE FOLLOWING POEMS, 1. Ye who risk Cash upon my pen ! Spendthrifts ! — rare epithet for men Of Scotland's frugal nation !-= To you these doleful strains are sent ; Call'd, in your country, a Lament, In mine, a Lamentation. 2. " Waesucks !" your criticks, soon, may spier, " What gars this Suthron\ venture here," " Wi' our braw Bards a coper ?" — " Hoot, hoot awa ! — we a' decree" " His tales too dear at a bawbee," " And him an interloper." But if from some, in Fancy rich, Whose flights disdain my crambo pitch, Ye purchase'd English sonnets, Your Scotch Apollos, long since dead, Would all lift up an angry head, With laurel in their bonnets. 4. Ossian's patch'd Spectre, — on his breast A Gaelick night-mare's hoof imprest, — The rhymes would rave a curse on ; t Suthron ;— an Englishman is so call'd in Scotland. In metaphors from Homer's lore, And tropes from David's Psalms, good store, Supplied by James Macpherson. Old Ramsay's Ghost would clod-hop forth. The dead Guarini of the North, Scotch Pastoral's rara avis ; Cramp London dialect to scout, And every barbarous verse, without One lavrock, merle, or mams. % 6. And thou, " O, Jemmy Thomson !" though In London, " Jemmy Thomson, O !" f * Birds ; of which innumerable flights are to be found in Scotch pastorals. f " 0, Sophonisba, Sophonisba, /" Thomson's Sofhonisba. On hearing which, a wag exclaim'd, " 0, Jemmy Thomson, Jemmy Thomson, 0.'" Thou writ'st for weighty reasons, Thy Shade would o'er the stanzas fling A blight^ in publication's Springs And blast them, througli the Seasons, 7. Full many more would rend the tomb ; Weak Mallet, able Douglas Home ;* And Burns, with brains, sans knowledge ; Who caroll'd, (would he caroll'd now !) Methinks, as pleasantly, at plough, As Beattie sang, in college. But voould they u burst their cearments ?" — No ! 'Twere strange if they should rise, and go, Afresh, to couplet-chiming ! What Bards would be such silly slaves, To quit their independent graves, And trust again to rhyming ? * Pronounce'd Hume, in England, 9. Well, — if dead Poets would not rise, What would the Iking do ? — be wise, And generous in their dealings ; Frank Genius never would refuse To hail, and cheer, a stranger muse, Of kindred thoughts, and feelings. 10. Would He, in whose effusions sweet Sublimity and Pathos meet, Depress his venturous brothers ? He, that Hope's Pleasures well must know, (He had not else adorn'd them so,) Could he crush Hope, in others ? 11. No, nor would He, whose minstrel trance Squanders new charms on stale romance, 6 While Scotia's harp * he seizes ; He, who to "Border feuds imparts T 1 e true poetick fire, by starts, — ■ And smoke, whene'er he pleases. 12. But Bards like him surmount controul ;— When Dryden's cataract of soul Impetuously gushes, What rubbish, oft, he drives along, Down his Niagara of song, While grand the torrent rushes ! 13. As Scotland's Sons, who wear the bays, Observe how England greets their lays, And welcomes them, delighted, The Sister-Muses, they agree, Should, like the Rose and Thistle, be, In Sister-Lands, united. * See the Invocation to the " Harp of the North," in the Lady of the Lake. 14-. Since, therefore, northward of the Tweed, To Geniuses, of Cockney breed, Such kindness would be granted, E'en my coarse, macaronick style May, here and there, excite a smile, And little else is wanted. 15. Then, Ye who have this bargain made, Cheer up, braw Laddies ! — who's afraid ? — And, thus, my Lamentation, Which, starting on a tristful plan, In deep despondency began, Ends like a Consolation.* * It is almost redundant to mention, that the two first notes, annex'd to the above Lamentation, are intended for the Eng- lish reader. ADVERTISEMENT. At the conclusion of the following Story, the incident of the Heathen Gods' visits to the Bride, and one or two turns of thought, (as exhibited in the Notes,) were suggested by a little Poem, entitle'd " L'Originedes Metiers/ 9 to be found in the " Contes de Guillaume Fade ;" — in which Poem, consisting of only forty-seven lines, Voltaire appears to have made a blunder throughout the first ten, by confounding Pygmalion with Prometheus. 10 Be this as it may, the witty and agreeable Frenchman, — the omnis Minerva homo, — has given ample proofs, in his more important works, that a literary Jack-of- All-Trades may not be a perfect master of many. Excepting its conclusion, the present trifle is founded (and merely founded) on classical traditions, familiar to every school-boy. Heathen mythology, however, is gloriously inconsistent in itself,— even in many instances where all the ancient authors agree; and some of the writers differ in some of their details of the subject in question. I have abided, generally, by Hesiod's ac- count; which has the bulk of the ancient fa- bulists in it's favour, and is the most popular among the moderns:— but I have sometimes left Hesiod for others, as it suited my pur- pose or fancy ; and, sometimes, have depart- ed, a little, from all : —thinking myself at li- 11 berty, in great measure, to tell my tale " as humours and conceits shall govern ;" but ne- ver venturing to abandon the old authorities so far as to jumble histories, relating to two separate personages, together. G. C. FIRE! SUN-POKER. •• (i IfcoXars y& pew (piXov vtop 'AvTiKot (? avTt 7rv£o$ ttv%iv KXKOV ayfyairota-i.' 9 Hesiodi Theogonia. Jove, if we credit what the Classicks say,— Such as old Hesiod, and Apollodorus, And others, who live'd centuries before us,— Was in a furious rage, one day j Which proves that Gods, in their celestial fashion. Could get into a most infernal passion. 14 And why was Jove in such a rage, one day ? Because, forsooth, Prometheus took some clay, And wetted it, — and kneaded it, — and, then, After reflecting on his work forthcoming, He fell to fingering, and thumbing, And thumb'd, and finger'd, till he made some Men: But they were foolish things, when th ey s were done,— Like the Guy Fawkeses children make, for fun.f For what avail'd Man's mere external form ? — 'Twixt men and milestones where could be the odds, Unless he hit upon a way to warm ? And animate his two-legg'd clods ? + The history of Prometheus is oae among the innumerable contradictions in mythology ; for he is said to have made the first men upon earth ; he being on earth himself, with a num- ber of others. There is no solving this absurdity, but by sup- posing him not to be a mortal ; as his father Japetus was of heavenly origin, and one of the Titans, who warr'd against the Gods.— -And, then, what were all the other men, who were in existence before he made the first ? 15 Indeed, although his Men might look much braver, Or handsomer, or merrier, or graver, .1 The odds were vastly in the Milestones' favour Because the Men Prometheus wrought Were (like some living gentlemen, 'tis thought,) Completely destitute of sense, — Whereas in Milestones there's intelligence. In short, 'twas valuable clay Extravagantly thrown away ; Which might, upon a saving plan, Instead of being wasted on a whim, Have made, for every useless limb, A very useful pot, or pan. 'Twas loss of precious time.- — and pains, — and care ; 'Twas an attempt, as if in Nature's mockery, To people all the globe with earthen ware, And be sole father to a race of crockery. 'Twas cheating Woman, yet unborn j — to gain A procreative title to himself, 16 For making Lords, and Squires, of porcelain, And Porters, and Day-labourers, of delf. Heaven knows, without such manufacture, Nonsensical, Promethean stuff, Our ticklish frames are frangible enough, And neither sex can be insure'd from fracture. Only peruse The daily news v— Read, when these Journals deviate into fact, How many Female Characters are cracFd ; How many fashionable Fools, who dash'd At fashionable Clubs, are lately smash 'd; How many Members of the State, contented To patch up old divisions, are cemented ; And, then, alas ! how all, but Poets, shake, To find how very often Bankers break ! — A brittle world, my masters I Full of disasters ! Men hold their lives by frail, and fragile leases, And Women, — lovely Women ! — fall to pieces. 17 The draw-backs on his project damp'd Prometheus Who was aware that all his men of pottery Must be, though ornamental, much beneath use, And downright blanks in this life's lottery :— Yet, how to put them into motion, He had not any notion ; Till Pallas gave him, — which was not o'er wise, In Wisdom's Goddess, — A lift into the skies, Among the heavenly bodies: There Phoebus, heavy stages force'd to run, Constantly setting forth, or coming back, Drove the Mail- Coach that carried out the Sun, Along the turnpike of the Zodiack ; — Now at the Ram, now at the Bull arriving, And several other Signs, as he was driving. And, now, his wheels were in a bad condition ; For he had driven them many a week, 18 And sujfFer'd them to squeak, and creak, and screak, For want of greasing, to prevent attrition. When wheels want greasing, And are not grease'd, the consequence is more Than the mere teasing Of the bad hinge to Mr Shandy's door : — Therefore, as might have been expected, In wheels so shamefully neglected, And kept for ever on the turn, They, first, began to smoke, — and, then, — began to burn, Prometheus saw, — and, in the nick, Approach'd the blazing spokes ; Then lighted up his walking-stick, And hurried off, to light up his clay folks.* * He took away the fire, we are told, " tv »pi\a vapQwi ;'* — that is, in a hollow slick : — but, as the Greek word, vap9»^, means, either, a walking-stick, or a kind of cane use'd for a splint in reducing fractures, it may, possibly, mean the latter; for Prometheus was a great dabbler in physick, and surgery. 19 Oh ! for a Pen in Jove's own lightning dipp'd S Ink is too gross, though coming from Japan ;~— For pens with fire celestial should be tipp'd, Before they treat On that which first illuminated MAN, And emulate, in heat, The very Walking-Stick that did the feat. But, as I cannot make my quill a flambeau, And scarcely ever, in my rhyme, Attempt a stroke of the Sublime, I shall proceed in Crambo. Touch'd by vivifick flame, the stockish dirt Fermented, and became no more inert. Each quickening Form Grew warm ; — Their pulses beat, — they ope'd their eyes, — Look'd up, — and, dazzle' d with the view, First wonder'd at, but shortly brave' d the skies, As, oft, their purblind, vain, descendants do : 20 For, soon, they style'd themselves a reasoning throng ; — But, oh ! so clogg'd their Reason's heavenly fire, With Mother Earth's preponderating mire, That half their Reason was to reason wrong. — Hence Man is, still, of such a lumpish leaven, That e'en the little wit he musters, now, Seems scarce his own, or gain'd we know not how, Unless 'tis by a Felony, from Heaven. But, kindle'd into action, human clods, Kings, Coblers, Statesmen, Nightmen, — all, — Stalk, here, this Spherick Plaything's Demigods, Terrestrial Joves of Jove's mere billiard ball. — They prate, they legislate, they criticise, Chop logick, ethicize, philosophize, (Poor, reasoning dirt-pies !) While nine in ten, Among the mighty foolish men, Are the sophisticated Mighty Wise. 21 Yet, while their kindred clay they overrun, All are pronounce'd, by their important Selves, From him who rules, to him who delves, " Souls made of Fire, and Children of the Sun," When Jove was told of what was done, and doing, He bellow'd like a Bull, from irritation ; — Louder than when he went, one day, a-wooing, * And bellow'd like a Bull, for recreation. He swore — (the Gods had all a swearing habit) — He'd truss Prometheus, neck and heels, And roast him, as he'd roast a rabbit, Basting him, all the while, at the Sun's wheels. " A Scoundrel !" Jove exclaim'd, — " to mount so " high !" " Walking into my Heaven, to daub my Sky !" " My Nectar, too, perhaps, to soak ! " * To Eur op a. 22 " Running, as hard as ever he could run," ii To stick his nasty stick into my Sun," " As hard as ever he could poke !" " I'll make him an example to all felons \ " He soon shall know" " What 'tis to go" " And raise, by heat, a human fry," " Forcing his men, as, by and by/' H His men will force their cucumbers, and melons." u He soon shall feel, though now my vengeance lin- " gers," " That he who steals my fire has burnt his fingers." Jove growl'd his growl ; — and, his resolves to fix, He swore to be revenged by STYX. This was a clincher, as the Poets fable ; — Not like his Oaths that stood on slight foundations, His common, Custom-House asseverations, — But binding, and irrevocable. 23 Swearing to do a thing, when bile's afloat, Is easier than, afterwards, essaying it ; Just as to sign a promissory Note Is not so difficult as paying it. And, therefore, when the Cloud- Compeller* Coolly consider'd he had sworn, when hotter, Revenge upon the Potter, For making, from a clayey soil, Living Originals, — as fast as Kneller, Or Reynolds, have drawn likenesses, in oil ;— - He set himself (but nothing loth) To chew the cud of this same oath : — - And, now, As matter of digestion, The Quid and Quomodo became the ques- tion ; — By tuhat to be revenge'd — and How ? First, for the What ; — an Engine for the plan ; A panting Paradox for breathing Man ; * " N£eX«j/spiTa Zsy?." Poet. Grac» passim. u-s, V 24 A Balm to wound, Calamity to bless him, Pleasing to plague, and comforting distress him ; A Source of joy, to drown the World in tears ; A Dove, that with the branch of Peace appears To set Mankind together by the ears ; To make the Greybeard dote, the Youth grow sad, Enervate Heroes, drive e'en Stoicks mad; — Like Ivy's noxious elegance to spring, Born to be propp'd, adorn, destroy, and cling, To be - - - in short, a WOMAN was the thing. Next for the hoiv, — the quomodo, — The method whereupon to pitch, For plaguing hapless mortals, here, below, With such a - - (what's the term ?) — a Witch ; — The Thunderer thought proper That she should travel, pick-bach, through the Air, Close to our Planet's Superficies, — where The High-Flyer she rode upon should drop her : And, then, no doubt, she'd kick up, night and day, A devil of a dust among the clay. 25 " Set down a woman upon Earth," Jove said, Shaking his head, " And, as to cramming her with a variety" " Of rules to breed confusion in Society," " It does n't signify a pinch of snuff;" — " Let her but have her way in all her actions," " She's certain to make mischief fast enough," Without my helping her in her transactions." " And yet," continued he, " although" " A grudge to all these bran-new folks I owe," " Since 'twas Prometheus join'd their particles," " And lighted up their articles," " It is but just this Girl should fall" " (Though dropping as a plague on all)" " More perpendicular" " Upon that Rascal, in particular :" " Therefore, You, Mercury, to Him shall carry " her :"— " Present her as a Gift for the New Year" " With my best Compliments, d'ye hear," 26 " And say I've sent her down for him to marry her" " I know not what can more embitter life" " Than, when, among a male community," " There's but one Female to disturb their uni- " tj» et Having that Female for a Wife." " But hold, — she must be form'd before you take « her ;" " So step to Vulcan, — and bid Vulcan make her." Vulcan, who didn't like the job, said, " Damn her," " Fetch me my hammer ;" — " 'Tis Jove's own order, so I'll set about her ;" "But 'tis, friend Mercury, my firm opinion" " That Pluto, and the Imps of his Dominion," ** Will not be very long without her." And, now, the labouring bellows play'd, The hammer beat, the anvil rung ; The Cyclops only know what stuff Was work'd on, by a God so rough, * * This is a downright departure from poetical authori- 27 To thump, and pommel into shape, a Maid, So tender, and so young. As Vulcan plied, with tuck'd up sleeves, His arms, too sinewy to tire, Close to the stithy stood the God of Thieves, Watching the God of Fire. So stands a Robber, while the Smith nails fast The clinking shoe his Horse has nearly cast. And, oh ! 'twas odd To see whene'er the swarthy God Had dealt a softer, or a lustier stroke, How some new beauty he awoke ! ties : for we are positively inform'd (I won't quote any more Greek here j it cramps my fingers ;) that Pandora was compo- se'd of clay and water. — But it was unworthy of Jupiter to give such an order, or of Vulcan to execute it.— I am wiliing to save both their credits, by making them avoid so degrading a piece of imitation, as constructing a human figure from the same materials as those use'd by Prometheus. 28 How fair, and delicately fresh, The rigid substance soften'd into flesh ! — While here a limb, and there a feature came, As he was manufacturing the Dame. Soon, a luxuriant, heaving bosom rose, To Mercury's agreeable surprise ; Shortly, a hip was fashion'd, — now, — a nose, — And, then, a pair of legs,— and, then, — a pair of eyes : For, though expert in thunderbolts, and armour, Vulcan, till now, had never made a Charmer ; Wherefore, he went on, all the while, In a most desultory style : And, so confuse'd was the old Bellows-blower, He left the face, by starts, and fits, As soon as he had hammer'd a few hits, To go and give another hammer, lower. 11 29 At last, in spite of bungling, and confusion, The Work was coming near to a conclusion, It dwindle'd into giving her a tat, — And, then, a pat ; — Making her, here and there, a little fatter, And, sometimes, thumping her a little flatter ; Till, having here increase'd, and there diminish'd her, He gave her the last knock,— -and finish'd her. Wing-footed Mercury, who buoy'd the Dame, Flew swiftly over the Favonian wind, Gliding to Jove, — while Vulcan, who was lame, Hobble'd along the Milky Way, behind. — Jove in full Synod sat ;— so there they found him, With all his Gods and Goddesses around him. The Gods and Goddesses had firm reliance On their own skill, in every Art, and Science ; Each was a Connoisseur, or Connoisseuse ;— 30 That is, they had a general smattering, Enough to set them, on all subjects, chatter- ing, Like sundry Gentlemen who write Reviews ; — Raw Theorists, who preach to old Practitioners, As if the Priests were taught by the Parishioners So, — when the Fair One was announce'd, — Up their Immortalships all bounce'd, Without the least decorum ; And all the Cognoscenti of the Skies Popp'd up their spying-glasses to their eyes, To pass their judgement on the Piece before 'em ; Peeping, and peering, Praising, or jeering ; Spluttering encomium, and stricture ; As purchasers, and puffers, auctioneering, Cry up, or down, a Statue, or a Picture. They put the Maid, In every light, — in every shade : — SI They look'd at her in front,— Sideways, — behind, — in all directions ; — Call'd her a She-Colossus, — then, a Runt, A Paragon, — a Depot of Perfections. Most of the Gods good-nature'dly appear'd Defending all the Goddesses call'd frightful ; The Goddesses found out a flaw, — and sneer'd ; The Gods said, flaw or not, it look'd delightful. But they who most approve'd of what was done, Still pointed to some fault in Vulcan's labour ; And every fault observe'd by every one Differ'd from that discover'd by their neighbour. As with the Gods above, e'en so, It happens among Men below : — - If works be ne'er exhibited, nor printed, Till all the different matters are efface'd, At which kind Patrons, and shrewd Men of Taste, Have, variously, and delicately hinted, 32 Such Works will, sure, escape the World's dis- dain, — For not one morsel of them will remain ! Hearing their hypercriticisms, Jove thunder'd, — " Truce with sneers, and witticisms !" " And mark, — I order every God and Goddess," " Who boast of any thing worth giving" " To human bodies," " To give it to the Maid,— for I'll be curst" " If After-Time sha'n't say, as she's the first," " That she surpass'd all After- Women living." " Let her be, quickly, with your gifts endow'd." — The Monarch of Olympus spake ; It made his petty Tenants quake, And the large Sky-Holders, obedient, bow'd. First, Venus, with a rouge pot, Stay ! This isn't the right way. 33 Some pages back, when Men were lighting, I would have seen them all at Jericho, Rather than wave my doggrel mode of writing, E'en could I write in carmine Homerico : — But Woman ! — Come, ye Muses ! — don't be jilts ! But help me, if ye can, into my stilts. To heighten excellence, add oil to flame, And beautify a Beauty, VENUS came. A pointed shaft she bore, a gilded toy, Pluck'd from the quiver of her wanton Boy ; And gently wave'd, as light as Zephyr flies, It's dove-down feather near the Fair One's eyes :— The Eyes caught thrilling Mischief from the dart, ^ To wound, — yet joy, while wounding, to impart-,- And shoot, at every glance, desire into the heart lart, a 2art../ CUPID, who watch'd, but slyly seem'd at play, While sprawling on the azure Heaven he lay, c 34 Laugh' d, with his dimples drown'd in tears of mirth, To think what sport the Maid would make on Earth. Around the blushing Virgin's slender waist, Her Cestus, next, the Paphian Goddess place'd ; That charm-diffusing Cincture, which, indued, Made tempting Woman idolize'd when view'd ; — Oh, then ! Ye Muses, ye are fetter'd now ! And Bards must humbly to Fanaticks bow. Since, then, what once was Poetry is Vice, And men, grown more corrupt, are grown more nice ; Sincepens, as Moral Thrice-Distill'd proclaims, Must hardly touch and go on female frames, Lest they should strike a light in apt desire, And set some Sinner's tinder-box on fire ; — Since Fancy is, by modern Cant, forbid To sing what, erst, the Zone of Venus did ; Let the " mind's eye" of CRITICKS piece it out, (More glowingly than Poets can, no doubt,) And polish, as it suits their luscious whims, The picture of a perfect Beauty's limbs, 35 While, buzz'd among the Gods, the whispers run, That Venus self had, e'en, herself outdone, The Graces, dancing with the rosy Hours, Entwine'd the ringlets of the Fair with flowers. Precise Diana (call'd a Prude, above,) Threw draperies about her form of love ; And seem'd as scandalize'd, till they were thrown, As if Endymion she had never known.* The sage Minerva deck'd the Maiden's charms, Circling with ornaments her legs, and arms : Deep Wisdom she reserve'd,— for well she knew Men with Wise Women will have nought to do. But SuADA,f seeing wisdom was refuse'd, Gave her, — what, oft, in wisdom's place is use'd, — * Orion was, also, a gallant of this Goddess of Chastity; — and so was Pan,— -dn the shape of a white goat ! t Goddess of eloquence, and persuasion. 36" That trite, mellifluent flippancy of speech, Which little understandings love to reach ; That chime of periods which, by Taste uncheck'd, Ne'er stops at words, for others more select, But boasts, in Common-place's ready strains, The smooth facilities of shallow brains ; Skims, glibly, o'er the surfaces of sense, And constitutes a spurious Eloque?ice,-^ Such eloquence prevails within the walls Of Taverns, Town-Houses, and Common-Halls ; Where empty Demagogues are reckon'd great, By Blockheads who admire when Blockheads prate. Such, too, at times, in Coteries we find — Some Coxcomb's growth of his unfertile mind ; His Tree of seeming Knowledge, void of fruit, Or flaunting Flower, that blooms without a root. Tinsel, like this, was fittest for the plan Of sending her on earth, to wheedle Man : For Man, in argument however quick, Mostly succumbs to female rhetorick ; 37 And, when by handsome Women 'tis display'd, 'Tis wonderful how little will persuade ! Aiding False Eloquence, with false supplies, Came Mercury, and tipp'd her tongue with lies ; And, lest her Dialogue should seem too long, Apollo gave her all the powers of Song. With such accomplishments endow'd, a Name Was only wanted to complete the Dame. Jove, who all languages with ease could speak, Prescribe'd an appellation from the Greek. — " Loaded with presents as she is," he cried, 61 Those presents in her name should be implied :" " PANDORA let it be."*— The title found, PANDORA the Immortals shout around, And Heaven's high Arch re-echoe'd to the sound. sound. J * This name signifies all gifts :— a piece of information much at the service of the Ladies, and the Country-Gentle* men. 88 Thus, having finish'd her affairs, Upstairs, 'Twas time that Dame Pandora, now, should go Down, down, down, down, a dizzy depth below ! Millions of miles she had to ride, thro' ether ; And, then, through what would spoil her curl- ing hair, That Lincolnshire, that Essex, of the air, The Clouds, which roll'd, like aguish fens, be- neath her : But Mercury stood by, both Guide and Hack, And gracefully she leap'd upon his back. As she was quitting their abode, How the Gods envied Mercury his load! " Farewell ! Farewell !" was all their cry ; " We grieve to lose you, in the Sky I" 39 " We wish you could have longer tarried l" Each to salute her, then, drew near,— And each said, softly, in her ear, " We shall drop in upon you, by and by," " To ask you how you do, when you are mar- ried." As Mercury was getting jealous Of all those whispers, from the Gods, his fellows, He wave'd, abruptly, his Caduceus, — spread '\ The wings his Petasus had lent his head, \ Took to his feather'dheels,andwithPANDORAfled.3 What happen'd, as they travell'd, Has never been unravell'd :^ But, if Pandora thought the journey long, And Mercury could never make it nearer, As she was very weak, and he was very strong, 'Tis probable he did his best to cheer her. 40 Arrive'd, at length, their feet on earth they set When Mercury, a stranger to the whereabout, Ask'd, of the first clay Citizen he met, If one Prometheus was not living thereabout. " But, sir," said Mercury, apologizing, " The person whom I want you may not know." " That," said the Citizen, " would be surprising," " Why, sir, he made me 3 not a week ago." Prometheus being found, Jove's aeronautick Plenipo Made him a bow, so very low, His forehead almost touch'd the ground. He told him, " He was most happy to behold him ;" " He held him in the deepest estimation," " As the great Founder of a great Clay Nation ;" 41 " And, for his own poor part, that he" " Had the high honour, now, to be" " His,— with the most profound consideration." In short, he said no more Than diplomatick folks say, o'er and o'er; — What all Embassadors express, In an official speech, To those they have, the honour to address, And come, with vast respect, to overreach. Then, opening his credentials, He, artfully, harangue'd on the essentials. " The Men," he said, " were vastly pretty Men ;" " Astonishingly clever !" " But, out alas ! what then ?" " Things could not go on so, for ever." " 'Twas a fine thought to plunder the Sun's wheels :" " Yet, Theft was but a minor Talent's business ;" 42 " And clambering so very high to steal," " Must give the gentleman who steals a dizziness." " Then," (Mercury continued,) " Men alone," u It seems, are lighted into flesh and bone ;" — " Now, Celibacy is the worst of fashions," " For people who are heated into passions.*' " Why, what a difficulty there must be" « To kill ennui!" " What they can do it puzzles me to think !" " Except, indeed, just eat, — and drink," — " Lounge in the sun, — or sleep where it is shady ;"— " Sure, sir, a man of parts, like you, must know" " That every Gentleman made here, below," " Must find it very dull, without a Lady." n And, therefore," (coming to the point,) he said, " Good-nature'd Jove has ta'en it in his head" " To send a W t oman down," — " Man's happiness to crown ;" 11 43 " His bed to share, his board to grace," f And, solacing, perpetuate his race ;" — " But, thinking the first compliment is due" " To Him who has evince'd himself so knowing/' " As first to set Mortality a-going," " He sends her, as a Wife, dear sir, to You." " Take her, I beg ; — I leave her at your door ;" — " I've brought her from a monstrous distance ;" — " Don't rob the Heavens again, sir, I implore!" " For, now, you may increase your human store," " Extremely well, without the Sun's assistance." u Prometheus, — dear Pandora! — now, good by !"— He said, — and shot his way into the Sky. Prometheus, who possess'd a world of craft, Smoke'd the old Thunderer's design, and laugb/d. He eye'd Pandora ; — what a lovely creature ! How fascinating every feature ! 44 What symmetry ! — He kiss'd her : — " Zooks !" " Jove," he exclaim'd, " knows how to bait his hooks !" Again he kiss'd ; He couldn't for his soul resist : — His cheek grew flush'd ; — We learn, from Shak- speare's pen, — A truth, by every body recollected,— That " there's a tide in the affairs of men," Which must not be neglected : And, had Prometheus stood, one moment, dallying, Or shillyshallying, He would have lost his tide, — Have fall'n into the trap, — Taken Pandora for his Bride, And sorely have lamented his mishap. " Charmer !" he said, " if wedded we should be," " We should be only teasing one another " 45 * { And, since you're much too young, 'tis plain to " see," " For an old, cold philosopher, like me," " You shall be married to my younger Brother." Few Women are by a refusal stung, When the old men resign them to the young ; — Therefore Pandora took it not in dudgeon : To Epimetheus, then they go, (Epi was younger brother to old Pro,) And Epimetheus bit, like a young gudgeon, lie sigh'd, he sue'd, — and she was not obdurate : To nail the marriage fast, without delay, Frometheus saw, that very day, The heathen rites performed, by a clay Curate, During the Honeymoon, How the young Couple toy'd ! The Honeymoon was over, soon, And, then, how much were the young Couple cloy'd ! 46 When a man's Honeymoon is in the wane, A thought will, sometimes, flit across his brain, (And very troublesome the thought must be,) That waning moons have horns, and so may He. If Epimetheus felt this kind of queasiness, 'Twas but the preface to much more uneasiness : For as, one night, when waxing late, The Couple sat, Most dully conjugal, in tete a tke, Trying to chat, And carry on the matrimonial farce, — A Card was left, — and, on it, written — " MARS." " Mars !" cried the husband, — looking queer ; — " And who the devil's he ? " Who ?" quoth the Wife ;— « the God of War, my " dear ;" " Come down from Heaven, no doubt, to visit we." 47 " The God of War ! — come down, so la*e, from " Heaven I" " To see my Wife, too ! — at half past Eleven 1" — . " Pray, Ma'am, are all the Gods to visit You ?" " Yes, sir," Pandora answer'd, somewhat nettle'd, " Most of them said that, soon as I was settle'd," " They should drop in, to ask me how I do." Mars call'd again, at breakfast : — in he came, To Epimetheus, and the Dame, Dress'd in a full, Field Marshal's, uniform ; Looking as fierce, en militaire, As if he meant to cannonade the Fair, And carry her by Storm. But, after the first Compliments were over, 'Twas plain he came not as Pandora's lover ; For, to the Husband's joy, the God seem'd shy ; Nay, downright sheepish, with a Woman by :— 48 And, in his talk, was anxious to address The Man alone, whenever he was able ; Taking no notice of the Wife, — unless By treading on her toe, beneath the table ; Assuring Epimetheus how delighted He was to call on him, though uninvited. Cried Epimetheus, " Sir, as I'm a sinner/' " I like your conversation, beyond measure !" " Do me the honour, sir, to stay to dinner : Says Mars, " I will, sir, with the greatest plea " sure." From that same day, Mars, in the house, was Jaufile ; Coming in, and going out, Like a pet lamb ; And, every morning, galloping about (His bashfulness got over) with Madame ;— 49 Riding through shady copses, and cross lanes ; Taking (although 'twas useless) wondrous pains To shun the observation of the million ;— Both on one horse, in the old-fashion'd taste ; She with her arm round the Field Marshal's waist, And clinging to his back, upon a pillion : Giving so very prominent a handle To gossipping, and scandal, That folks., when talking of Pandora's Spouse, Held up two fingers, just above their brows ; And, at the mention of her name, They, absolutely, cried out " Shame!" Mars was a fickle God, — and months had roll'd ; He, first, grew cool, — then cooler, — then quite cold. His time was come ; He did not wait for beat of drum ; But face'd about, thinking 'twas best to fly, And stole a march, one night, into the Sky. 50 Pandora scarce had lost the God of Slaughter, When Neptune popp'd his head out of the Water, For shore directly steering Hoping, if Woman listen'd to discourses, Made by the Chief Commander of Land Forces, That the High Admiral might get a hearing. * Now, if the Second Wooer thrive'd, His Exit, much like Mars' s, soon arrive 1 Only that Mars went up, — and Neptune re'd, t NEcfeW.J 'Twas, then, the fate of half the Gods to follow; Plump, rosy Bacchus, laurel -wreath'd Apollo ;— Nay, Vulcan, who had hammer'd her together, Sigh'd to her, from his lungs of bellows-leather. Thus pass'd Pandora's frolick Spring ; Her Summer fled, — her Autumn came ; And, soon, she wept, — low, despicable Dame ! — That lovers had, like swallows, taken wiDg. * " Qui cede a Mars peut se rendre a Neptune" Voltaire. 51 Our habits last, good lack I Much longer in the heart than on the back ; Therefore, Pandora's vernal fire Could never, at her fall of leaf, expire** Left by the Gods, she wander'd through the groves, To think upon her past, her shameless loves ; And, there, her dim, and languid glances threw, Till e'en the very Satyrs dare'd to sue.f Now, since our World's first Woman was incline'd To play such pranks below, Our fortunes, our pei suits, our turns of mind, From her Vagaries may be said to flow. * " Quand unefemme alma dans son printems," " Elle ne pent jamais f aire autre chose** Voltaire, t Voltaire says, coarsely, " elle vit dans les champs'' *t jj n g m Satire, et lvi fit les avances." 52 Cornuted men from Vulcan are descended ; Mercury's lads are at the gallows ended ; Heroes to Neptune, and to Mars belong ; The gross, and sensual, to the Satyr throng ; Gay Bacchanalian boys bestride the tons ; Or drain the bottles, rather ; But most, like me, of great Apollo's Sons Have much degenerated from their Father.* Yet, of each Sire each Son appears a sample ; And, as for poor Pandora's weak propensity, To count the Daughters sway'd by her example, — 'Tis reckoning sands, to number their Immensity !f * " bien peu d'entre nous'" " Sont descendus du Dieu de la Lumiere" Voltaire. The double meaning of the God of Light, and of Understand- ing, would be almost lost in a literal English translation, + " De nos parens nous tenons touts nos gouts ;'* u Mais le metier de la belle Bandore" '* Quoique peu r&re, est encore le plus doux" " Et cest celui que tout Paris honored Volt. 53 The quotations from Voltaire have been given as an avowal of any borrow'd thoughts; — but the Author has been told he has so alter'd those thoughts, (very likely for the worse,) that it is almost an act of supererogation to acknow- ledge them. Mr. CHAMPERNOUNE. " And a-hegging ive tvill go, tvill go, tvill go" Old Ballad. w But the King was determine 1 d to abolish monasteries of every denomination ; and, "probably, thought, that these an- cient establishments would be the sooner forgot, that no re- mains of them, of any kind, were allowed to subsist in the kingdom" Hume's History of England. 1. Who of the Tudor line so great, Both in abdomen and in state, As the last Harry, out of Eight, Who wore the English Crown ? — Among his Beefeaters, — huge things, Employ'd to waddle after Kings, Like broad-wheefd waggons wanting springs, — Was Mr. Champernoune. 55 2. Forswearing Rome, and Bulls, and Shrift, King Harry turn'd the Monks adrift, Put every Nun to her last shift, And threw their Convents down : His Courtiers swore, with ready grace, They'd broil a Pope, to keep a Place, So all unpapalized apace, Like Mr. Champernoune. Each leaving, thus, his pliant soul, Politely, to the King's control, Thought that in riches he should roll, And bid old Care go drown ; Each hope'd, since he'd be damn'd, or blest, Just as His Majesty thought best, To thrive at Court, — as, with the rest, Thought Mr. Champernoune. 56 4. Monks groan'd, the Holy Sisters rave'd ; Their hair had stood on end, if save'd, But, luckily, they all were shave'd, And bald was every crown : While, to this Layman, and to that, As poor, before, as any rat, The King gave Abbey-Lands, — as fat As Mr. Champernoune. 5. One morning, to the Presence-door, (Where stood the Beefeater, before,) There came two Courtiers trim, who wore The gayest gear in town. Observing them 'twixt fear and doubt, In fidgets till the King came out, " Pray, what's the Suit you're here about ?" Said Mr. Champernoune. 57 6. Enrage'd at such a question, put By this low, martial man of gut, The well- dress' d Courtiers 'gan to strut, And stare, and bounce, and frown ; Crying, " Base Beefeater, and Boor !" " We trust no Suits with rogues so poor :" — . " Your Tailors do, I'm pretty sure," Thought Mr. Champernoune. 7. But, lo ! the King ! — down knelt the Twain, And gave a Paper, coarse in grain ; For England's Monarchs, then, were fain To handle whitey -brown ; But what the Paper might declare, As to the purport of their prayer, Was quite a mystical affair To Mr. Champernoune. 58 8. Yet, since the Beefeater had eyes, He saw that Courtiers kneel to rise, And, therefore, thought it not unwise To join in flumping down : Quite sure a Mendicant to Thrones All danger in his trade disowns, Behind them, on his marrow-bones, Dropp'd Mr. Champernoune. 9. Hal read, and granted ; — now began A grateful Duo from the van ; But, soon, a Third, and rearward Man, Join'd Chorus, to the Crown : Neither, from Hal, durst turn his nob, Tow'rd their Assistant in the job, To find that he, who bore a bob, Was Mr. Champernoune. 59 10. Thus, witless who his lungs so plied, u Thanks, good my Liege I" the couple cried; When " Ditto," like a roaring tide, Seem'd every voice to drown. They pause'd, discomfited ; and, then, Took courage, and went to't, again ; cs Long live the King !" they bawl'd ; — {{ Amen !" Thunder'd brave Champernoune, 11. Now, onward walk'd the Monarch,— who The sweet Jane Seymour went to woo : For closely was he sticking to The tail of Jenny's gown ; * And, ere the foremost of the brace Had time to turn about, and face, Behind them, from his kneeling-place, Slipp'd Mr. Champernoune. * This is an approach to anachronism, for which the licen- tia vatum must be pleaded. Henry had not effected the en- firedestruction of the Convents before his marriage with Jane 60 12. The Suitors, quitted by the King, " Let's see," they cried, " what this snug thing," " These same, rich, Abbey-Lands will bring," u Just given us, by the Crown :" — " It's yearly profits will be, clean, " Among us Two," — " us THREE, you mean," (Popping his noddle in, between,) Cried Mr. Champernoune. 13. " Three ! ! !"— .« Three ;— -'twas Ithat knelt behind ;"— • " But you were out of sight ;" — " You'll find" 41 You're not to leave me out of mind ;" " Don't think me such a clown ;" " Don't fancy I'll my share forego ;" — " Your share! — We begg'd the Lands, you know:" " You'll recollect I back'd you, though," Quoth Mr. Champernoune. Seymour : — in the life-time, however, of his former wife, Anne Boleyne, he had broken up the lesser monasteries. — He cut off Anne's head, on one day, and married Jane, on the next i 61 14. Words mounted high ; — to end dispute, (High words, 'tis certain, never do't,) Back to King Harry went the Suit, To hunt the question down. " "Who begg'd the lands ?" quoth Hal ; " say true." " We were the organs, Sire, to You :" — il And I, my Liege, the bellows blew," Roar'd Mr. Champernoune. 15. King Harry stroke'd his face so fat, Next, gave his pincushion a pat, And in a sort of study sat, Denominated, brown : Then said, " It seemeth meet, and fair," il Church-Lands should be obtain'd by prayer ;** " You pray'd, — he helped you, — give his share" " To Mr. Champernoune." 62 16. Now, bless all bounteous Potentates, Who give their Subjects good Estates ! But thrice bless Him who tolerates, Yet keeps the Papists down ! — Who, yielding to their proper wants, All reasonable favour grants To Them, — and purer Protestants Than Mr. Champernoune. 63 The Story of a kneeling Beefeater brought to my mind the fable'd genuflection of a much more important personage. Poetry, it is said, generally succeeds best in fiction ; and there can be little or no doubt that the anecdote which I have here versified, with much amplification, has not one word of truth in it. — I hesitated, however, before I adopted the subject, lest I might be thought to give intentional offence to any estimable character living; or to treat with too much levity the memory of a departed Author; — an Author whose profound learning, and elegance of com- 64 position* must challenge the admiration of the latest posterity. If, on reflection, I venture to publish this Trifle, let me hope (should I have been wrong) that it will be attributed to want of Taste, and not to deficiency of Respect;— but I cannot think that any existing Friend of the erudite Hero of my Song can be seriously angry at my repeating, in rhyme, an idle Tale, which has of- ten been printed in prose ; — or that a common- place laugh, at the exterior of a Great Man, implies any aim to detract from his numerous virtues, and mental superiority : — much less can I imagine that the noble Editor of the His- torian's Miscellaneous Works will misconstrue, to his own, or my disadvantage, any mention of his strong partiality for one towards whom a strong partiality does credit to the head, and the strongest an honour to the heart. 65 Is there any illustrious Character of whom something harmlessly ludicrous has not been recorded by Fact, exaggerated by Report, or invented by Fancy ? The English Motto, prefix'd to this Poem, is by no means intended to allude to the Lady mention'd in the Memoirs, from which the quo- tation is taken. — Dates of time must disprove such an insinuation ; — and I have already said that I offer the whole incident as an absolute fiction, G, C THE LUMINOUS HISTORIAN; OR LEARNING IN LOVE. Surgere conanti partes nequeunt gravitate moveri. Ovid. Met. J sazo 9 and love'd. Memoirs of Gibbon, by himself. h rom Childhood's, e'en to Age's, mental dreams, Those twilights of the soul, in Life's extremes, That lead young drivellers from the cradle's gloom, Or old ones to the darkness of a tomb, How Nature, in our scanty day of breath, Divides the progress to the night of Death ! 68 Prescribes the series when to pule, to play, Love, act, reflect, then doze the world away, Till weak mortality's mechanick powers Have, once, run round their narrow ring of hours. " Once round !" exclaim a gay and thoughtless host ; " Rounds after rounds of hours we, all, can boast." To scout so dry a fact would be to mock Saint Dunstan's Strikers, or an eight-day clock ; — But, in a human Time-piece, no device Can course the Dial of Existence twice ; And, when the failing nerves, and worn-out brain, Have circle'd into Infancy again, "Who shall rotation's earlier force restore, Or wind up works prepare'd to move no more ? Much, then, has each to do, before he dies, While all his action in a nutshell lies. Yet is the nutshell, upon reason's plan, Sufficient for the mighty maggot, Man ; 69 For though his Drama, in it's little range, Be fraught with many an important change ; Though, to each Mortal, various parts we find, In his own tragi-comedy, assign'd, — E'en (if the curtain do not drop too soon,) From Babe to " lean and slipper'd Pantaloon/'—^ Still Natures lineations plainly tell There's room, and time enough, to act them well ; Well as the Bard, to whom Her lines were known. Draws them, in four and twenty of his own.* Yet, easy as the task appears, how few Keep their successive Ages full in view ! Most, in all periods, heedless of their date, Prone to be this, or that, too soon, or late, Evince, as passions, or conceits, may rule, 'Tis ne'er too soon, nor late, to play the fool. Along the path of Life, while to and fro, Like lap-dogs airing, Vice and Folly go, * See Shakspeare's As You Like Ju 70 Old curs and puppies jostling in the track, Now scampering forward, and now running back, 'Tis sad the silly animals to see Reversing points at which they ought to be 1 To see what idle war with Time they wage, Enfeebling Youth, and turning boys in Age ; — To see worn One and Twenty writhe with gout, Groaning beneath whole vintages drank out ; Green Puberty fast rotting to it's fall, While Dotage dies his eyebrows, for a Ball I If, then, the sillier Actors of their day Transpose the scenes of blossom and decay, No wonder that the wisest, now and then, Forget their cast of character, as men ; Throw off the habits of their life, by starts, And prove the best imperfect in their parts.—- Statesmen have shewn that, in affairs of State, Sedateness cannot always be sedate ; Zeno, perhaps, might be from books beguileM, To play a game at marbles with a child ; 71 Nay, stick a pin into a Parson's rump, The strict Divine may bawl out " damme," plump.— But what if Statesman, Stoick, or Divine, Deviate, by chance, thus slightly from their line ? If Statesman, Stoick, or Divine, do so, Does this call out for reprobation ? — no : But still 'tis laughable ; — for, in a word, The grave man's nonsense is the most absurd ; And, when his casual folly stands confest, We own his merits, but enjoy the jest. While the pure pen of a Historick Sage Distills it's beauties over every page, That mirth may chuckle at his clumsy Love, A Tale, which late tradition yields, may prove. I. A Man I sing whom Memory reveres ; Hallow'd the spot where now he lies in earth ; Learning, and Genius, there, may mingle tears, With Virtue, weeping over moral worth. 72 Clio, the first of Muses, hail'd his birth ; But Momus, ever flouting, laugh'd outright, To think that, when to manhood grown, what mirth Would be provoke'd by so grotesque a wight, So oddly form'd as He, who was Eudoxus hight, IL And, when adult, with Erudition's store His early taste, and judgment, were supplied ; He drain'd the sources of historick lore, Then pour'd them back, through Europe, purified : Majestick, deep, yet smooth, and clear the tide ; And Elegance, obedient to his call, Sail'd down his flow of words, in Swan-like pride ; — But, oh ! how wondrous the Decline and Fall, To f ' look upon his face," and, then, " forget it all !" 73 in. Like a carve'd Pumpkin was his classick jole ; Flesh had the Solo of his chin encored ; Puff'd were his cheeks, — his mouth a little hole, Just in the centre of his visage bore'd : His nose should to a Pug have been restore'd. A Dame, whose blindness was a piteous case, And whose soft hand his countenance explore'd, No features in so fat a mass could trace, But said it was a thing below the human face. * IV. His person look'd as funnily obese As if a Pagod, growing large as Man, Had, rashly, waddle'd off its chimney-piece, To visit a Chinese upon a fan. * The following ludicrous story was, once, in general cir- culation :— A foreign Lady, who was a blind physiognomist, ■was greatly offended with some persons who submitted the features of Eudoxus to her touch ; imagining that they had, through a mauvaise plaisanterie, brought her hand in contact with the very reverse of the " human face divine." 74 Such his exterior ; — curious 'twas to scan ! — And, oft, he rapt his snuff-box, cock'd his snout, And, ere his polish'd periods he began, Bent forwards, stretching his fore-finger out, And talk'd in phrase as round as He was round about. * V. Oh ! kindly Peer ! who hand his likeness down,f Through Partiality's mistaken zeal, • *' I drew my snuff-box, rapp'd it, took snuff twice, and continued my discourse, in my usual attitude of my body bent forwards, and my fore-finger stretch'd out." See No. XVII. in the posthumous letters of the learned Historian in question : — and, in a Note on this passage, we find that " this attitude continued to be characteristick of him." + The Noble Editor of his Miscellaneous Works, &c, in- forms us that " the Engraving in the Frontispiece of the Memoirs is taken from the figure, [of the Historian] cut with scissors, by Mrs Brown;" — and, that " the extraoi dinary talents of this Lady have furnish'd as complete a likeness, as to person, face, and manner, as can be conceive'd." — The per- son, face, and manner, of the Historian, are full as exiraordi- 15 Why did you tempt ingenious Mrs Brown, And make her for her pocket-scissars feel, To cut his Shade out, with her ruthless steel ? (His posthumous Memoirs were quite enough,) Why stick it up, on either long, long heel, And in a Frontispiece the carcass stuff, To look like an erect, black tadpole, taking snuff? nary as the talents of the Lady ; and a Copy of the Engra- ving, on a reduced scale, is here subjoin'd, as illustrative of some stanzas, in the present Poem. 76 VI. 'Tis not, my Lord, an uncouth Shape, nor Head, That should surviving tenderness control To hide the outlines of the mighty dead, But 'tis a grave man's ugliness that's droll ; The face, and body, then, burlesque the soul : — Sir Joshua's * flattery would scarcely do To screen from laughter the Historian's poll ; To place him in derision's broadest view, Was left to Mrs Brown, to Friendship, and to You i VII. Yet, trust me, Peer, I mean not to offend ; Affection warm as your's the Muse respects ; For who could ever so expose a friend, Till fondly purblind to that friend's defects ? * Sir Joshua Reynolds : — See the print, from his painting, nrefiVd to the " Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire." 77 Your sense was dazzle'd by his intellects :— The wrapt Enthusiast, seldom seeing clear, A charming Author with his Book connects ; You saw him in his graceful style appear, And fancied Punch had grown Apollo Belvedere. VIII. Cramp'd in finances, * weary of the Town, Through well-earn'd fame, with new ambition fire'd, And deck'd with Literature's laurel crown,f Eudoxus to Helvetia's clime retire'd ; There competence was wealth, — there Health re- spire'd. • « — he was not in possession of an income which corre- sponded with his notions of ease and comfort in his own coun- try. In Switzerland his fortune was ample." "Editor of the Miscellaneous Works, &c, + He had, already, publish'd three volumes of his celebra- ted History. 78 Amid the Alps, high towering to the Skies, (Types of his mind!) fresh vigour he acquire'd In wider scope Rome's Annals to comprise, And, on an Empire's fall, still brilliantly to rise. IX. From thy romantick scenery, Lausanne ! Soon as his labours reach'd their destine'd home, The rumour round the big-wig circles ran, Till, eagerly, the World grasp'd ev'ry Tome ! Reviewing wasps, about the honey-comb, Stung where they could, at a most stingless rate, While Cadell, fattening, in the Strand, on Rome, Proudly exclaim' d, in bibliotheck state, " Who sells great Authors' works, must, sure, himself " be great." * • " Who rules o'er Freemen must, himself, be Free."— * c Who drives Fat Oxen must, himself, be Fat." Johnson. 79 x. Yet poring Authors relaxation need, And must, Apollo-like, the bow unbend ; Must walk, — or else, when very fat indeed, Their sitting brings them to their latter end» Eudoxus could, on foot, a hill descend, And so, if he had tried, could Doctor Slop ; But climb an Alpine steep ! " oh, Heaven defend 1" " That tugging project he resolve'd to drop," e: Though Nature's richest charms invited to the top." XL Expression, oft, beyond a meaning goes ; And, when Eudoxus talk'd of Nature's charms, Alas, good man ! he only thought of those Which please our eyes, but never fill our arms. Mere child in love, he dreamt not of alarms The Child of Venus gives, pernicious elf! Rome's loves, — nay, rapes, (those worst of amo- rous harms,) 80 Those he recorded, for the Student's shelf, But knew not how to love, nor ravish, for himself. XII. His whole construction seem'd to blunt, and turn, The arrows that from Cupid's quiver skim ; So cold, he never could for Woman burn, So ugly, Woman could not burn for him. — Still, Cupid sent him, in a wicked whim, A philosophick Blonde, a. Charmer wise, Studious, and plump, now languishing, now prim, Who, skill'd most temptingly to syllogize, Chopp'd logick with a pair of large, blue, melting eyes. XIII. 'Twas in Lausanne, where crowded parties chat, And take their tea, ere London Fashion dines, Nosing Eudoxus, blue-eye'd Agnes sat, And talk'd of Trajan, and the Antonines ; — 6 81 Dwelt much on Roman risings, and declines ; And murmur'd, while they huddle d knee to knee, " What things Voluptuousness undermines !" Eudoxus felt a glow ; — but knew not, he, Whether 'twas love, the crowd, philosophy, or tea. XIV. Whene'er she utter'd, breathing like the South, As o'er a bank of violets it blows,* He curl'd the smirking hole he call'd a mouth, And fed with snuff the knob he term'd a nose : His bosom's fat heave'd with unwonted throes ; And still she talk'd, and still he listened, — still Fresh beauties in her countenance arose ; — He ask'd her dwelling-place ; — sad news, and chill ! ** Skirting Lausanne," she said, — " upon the next high hill." * " Oh ! it came o'er my ear like the sweet south, •* That breathes upon a bank of -violets," &c. Shakspeare. 82 xv. High hill ! — alas ! he ne'er on horseback rode ; Eternal visits, in a carriage, there, So near Lausanne as Agnes's abode, Might scandalize the philosophick Fair : — Then, walk, — or not ; — 'twas either way despair 1 Bore through the Alps ! — on foot ! — so pursy, too ! At length, he mentally pronounce' d, " I swear'* " What Hannibal with vinegar could do" To venture, dearest Maid ! with all my oil, for " You !" XVI. That night, on which Eudoxus Agnes met, Neglected Wisdom had his pillow flown, While She retire'd, half prude, and half coquette, To bed with Vanity, as cold as stone. The Sage as an Adonis would be known, His Venus wish'd for a Scavante to pass ; Each saw each other's foible, not their own ; 83 He smile'd at Science in a lovely lass, She at a Sapient Squab, who turn'd philandering Ass. XVII. Thus both, it seems, their natural play mistook, Though Agnes had the better of the game ; For studious Beauties can enjoy a Book, When ugly Scholars can't enjoy a Dame. — A learned Dangler often stamps the name Of Blue-Stocking on her he ne'er embrace'd : The Lady's object, now, was classick fame, His passion, therefore, though by far less chaste, Portended an amour in the Platonick taste. XVIII. Yet her enticing charms, his weight of thought, Had fix'd their commerce, in a comiek hour ; Thus is our Planet to it's centre brought, By Gravity's, and by Attractions power. — 84 The morning blush'd; — but, soon, — a soaking shower ! Eudoxus pause'd, between his love and rain ; He breakfasted, — he sigh'd, — it cease'd to lower, — He wish'd the surface of the Globe one plain, CalPd for his thickest shoes, and groan'd, and sigh'd again. XIX. " Alas !" he cried, " pedestrious I depart," " To scale Olympus, and a Goddess find :" " Not seeing her will almost break my heart," " And getting at her almost break my wind." " Never did body trifle so with mind !" " So raise it's projects, and so knock them flat !" " Never was amorous lump of human-kind" " So self-suspended, between this and that ;" " So goaded by the flesh, — so hinder'd by the fat !" 85 xx. " Why, cruel Cupid ! make me clambering go," " And, like the Chamois, skip on heights im- mense ?" mmm 014 456 002 4 # ^p$ %:. jm&t k > " ~ " - \ ■ ' •. « C /> r* a- ^ ,