LIBRARY OF CONGRESS lllilliilllllliiliillillliliilL^ 016 112 391 2 9 SCHOOL AND SOCIAL DRAMA. "-A-ct T^rell 3ro"u.r part." Hans Yon Smash. 7. ^. pENI30)N :E'I^XOE! 15 CEIsTTS CHICAGO : T. S. DENISON 1S7S. NO PLAYS EXCHANGED, T. S. DENISON'S CATALOGUE OF NEW PLAYS, FOR SCHOOLS and AMATEURS 1878. These plays have been prepared expressly to meet the wants of teachers and amateur clubs. They are simple in construction, and require no scenery, or such as is usually at hand. They afford room for ^^ acting " They 7\rt pure in tone otid language. The six first on the list were before the public last year, and met with a very favorable reception. "If the succeeding- numbers are as g-ood as the first, we predict for them a large demand." — National Teachers' Monthly, N. T. and Chicago. "These plays ai)pear to be full of fiin and to teach many good lessons with- al." — Wis.jfour. of Education. "The farces are full of fun." — Daily hiter- Ocean, Chicago. "These plays are realizing the dearth of good literature in this department." — N. r. School Bulletin. ODDS WITH THE ENEMY. A drama in five acts; 7 male and 4 female characters. Time i hour 50 min. Contains a good humorous negro character. "It took splendidly. 'Tabbs' made it spicy." — C. E. Rogers, Dunkirk, Iiid. SETH GREENBACK. A drama in four acts; 7 male and 3 female characters. Tine t hour 15 m. " ' Seth Greenback' has one very good Irish comic character, and some pathetic and telling situations. The plot is simple and dramatic, and culmin- ates well." — lovja Normal Mo7ithly. WANTED, A CORRESPONDENT. A farce in two acts, 4 male and 4 female characters. Time 45 m. \'ery niteresting and amusing. INITIATING A GRANGER A ludicrous farce; S male characters. Time, 25 m. " 'Initiating a Granger' brought down the house." — y. L. Sharp, Burlington THE SPARKLING CUP. A temperance drama in five acts; 12 male and 4 female characters. Time, 1 hour 45 m. A thrilling play, worthy the best efforts of amateurs. Pathetic song and death scene. "It is just the thing for dramatic cXxxh?,."^— The Anvil, Washington, D. C. HANS VON SMASH -A. IF^^iE^OE T. S. DENISON, Author of Odds with the Eitemy ; The Sparkling Cup; Seth Greenback; Louz a ^ the Pauper ; Watited, A Correspondent; Initiating a Granger; A Family Strike ; The Assessor ; Tjvo Ghosts in White; Borrowing Trouble ; The Pull- Back ; Country Justice ; etc. CHICAGO: >^,-^ ■ ^y^^^ 1878. Copyright, 1878, by T. S .Deniaoa CHARACTERS. Hans Von Smash. Mr. Batch. Henry Dasher. John Prettyman. Mary Batch. Susie Batch. Katie, servant. COSTUMES. Hans in dress to represent a German emigrant lately arrived. Prettyman to represent a dandy. Mary and Susie in plain w^orking dress in the prologue, in neat evening- dress in the farce proper. Others in dress suitable to the character. SITUATIONS. R means right for the actor as he faces the audience ; Z, left; C, center. Steam Press of Cushing, Thomas &. Co., 170 Clark St. HANS VON SMASH PROLOGUE. ISCENE. — Roo7n in a farm house. Doors R and L. Sofa R. Chairs R and L. Pictures^ &c. Farmer Batch discovered as curtain rises, reading a paper. Knocking at door L. Batch opens door L. Enter Hans. Hans. Goot tay^ Meester! Batch. Good day! Come in! Take a chair! Hans. Vat do you tink apout te wetter to-morrow? Batch. Well, I don't know. What do you think about it? Hans. Ach! I shust tinks if it ton't clear upte cloudy wetter tay before to-morrow, maype it was rainin next tay. Batch. Probably so ! A very pointed observation, considered in a meteorological sense ! Hans. Ya! ya! Dot's yoost vot I was bin dryin' to say all dair wile. {A pause. Batch reads.) Maype you hires mine hants. Batch. What did you say? Hans. Mine hants! {Holds up his hands.) Maype you hires dem ! To hoe in de garten ! Oond tig te grount opples. Batch. Oh ! I understand. I do want a hand, Hans, Himmel ! I hires poth hants ! Batch. I want only one hand at present. May be Jones, the next neighbor, will take one ! Hans. Py dunder! How was I workin' mit one h ant for you and mit te oder for Shones? I works mit poth ter hants in one place ! Batch. Oh! I see now! What do you want a month? Hans. {Puzzled.) I link so! Batch. What wages do you ask for your services? Hans. Serfices! I guess dot's goot enough! I takes dot efery month. Batch. Well, I think I'll hire you. Whiat can you do? Hans. I dos anyting. Batch. Do you object to the chores, after a day's work? Hans. Chaws! I was notparticlars a bit;I eats allde womens cooks for te table to put on. Batch. I mean are you willing to leed the pigs and get kmd- ling after you quit work? Enter Katie, R. She dusts about the room. Hans. Yaf ya! I feets te pigs oond tekindlin's. I bin not par- ticlars. 50 HANS VON SMASH. Batch. All right. What is your name? Hans. Hans Von Smash! Batch. Very good. My name is Batch. We'll get along to- gether, I think. Now, Mr. Von Smash, you've not been in this country long; let me give you a little advice! Hans Advice! Ya! Dot's goot, Meester Patch. Batch. You are not used to the ways of Americans yet. Learn by observing others. Always think twice before you speak, and look before you leap. Do you understand.? Hans. Fershtay ? Ya ! I tinks so. Katie. {Aside.) Sure an' he's as green as a frosted gourd. Batch. Hans, I am going away this afternoon and mav not be back before to-morrow. The girls will show you your work. 1 will leave you in charge of the place. Look out for tramps. Haiis. Tramps! Vot ist dot.? Batch. Men ! They roam the country and do mischief If you let them in the house they may steal something. If they get in kick them out if they don't behave. Hans. I keep them right out! Batch. Mr. Von Smash, bring up the horses from the field back of the barn, and feed them halt a peck of oats apiece. Feed the fattening hogs in the pen two or three baskets of corn. Do you understand.? Hans. Ya! I fershtays dot, Mr. Patch. {Exit Batch, L. Hans looks around.) Meester Patch got one booty nice blace to shtop, I dinks. {Sees Katie.) Goot tay, Fraulein! Katie. Fryline! Ye spalpeen, will ye be callin' a dacint girrel names to her face.? Shame on ye, Misther Von Smash-up, or whatever your haythen name is. Hans. Oh my belts ist booty goot, I dank you. Katie. Shure an' it wasn't your health I was talkin' about, ye ill mannered baste ye. Hans. Vat you say, Fraulem .? I no fershtay, '^z.dam. Katie. Faith he's swearin" at me, I belave. If I had a shille- lah I'd crack your noggin, I would. Hans. {Puzzled.) Ya! ya! Are you te gal dot tells me vat I will do? Katie. If I did I would tell you to make tracks off the place intirely. Musha! an' what does the master mane a bringin' a dirty Dutchman here with his furrin' ways an' his breath a smel- hn' of sourkrout, to shame the sinses of respictable people. {Im- patiently.) Faith an' I think I'll get my character an' lave at once. Hans. {Aside.) By dunder, she talks booty goot ; yoost like a shtump talker. {Aloud.) Vat will I do dis afternoon, now. Te gals were to tell me, Mr. Patch said. Katie. I'll ask thegirrels, then, for it's not meself will be takin' orders to the likes of ye. Hans. Ist dot so? {Exit Katie^R.) Ach! dese Americans bin funn/ beoples. Dot one shpeaks not one bit like Mr. Patch. Vat HANS VON SMASH. 51 did he tell me to do for atwice? (T/n)iA-<.) Ya! he said dink a coople times oond den shpeak. Fy dunder! dot gal shpeaks a coople times oond den links. {Thinks.) Oond he said, " Shoomp a coople times oond den look pack." Ach! dot's good atwice. 1 minds dot. Tink tswi times oond look pack — no, oond shpeak. Shoomp a coople times oond look pack. Vat for do you look pack } Enter Mary and Susie, ^. Mary. Are you Mr. Von Smash } Hans. Ya ! ya ! dot bin me, Fraulein. Susie. (Aside.) What did he say about a line? Mary. (Aside.) I don't know. What an odd name he has. Hans. (Aside.) Tey was shpeakin' a coople times before tey tink. I'll yoost see if tey shoomp twice times pefore tey look pack. Mary. You want work** Hans. Ya! Mary. Well, you may saw wood till supper time, and do the chores after supper. Hans. Where must I put te chores .'' {Girls laugh) Mary. I see you don't understand. The chores are feedins^ the horses and hogs and driving up the cows. Hans. Where will I drive for te cows.'' Mary. (Laughing) Oh, you don't drive for the cows. You walk and drive the cows. Hans. Himmel ! dot peats me; / tvalk oond te cows drives. Susie. You bring them to be milked. Hans. Oh, yal ya! I understands now. Say, Frauleins, ist dot Oder American gal a seester ot yours .^ (Girls laugh.) Susie. Oh, no, she is our servant. Mary. Mr. Von Smash, you may go to work as soon as you are ready. (Exeujtt girls, E.) Hans. A serf ant ! Mav pe dot ist American language for cous- in. Dot American language ist a lunny language Aen it makes a man wa//- while the cows drive. Py dunder! te funniest ting is dese Americans don't all shpeak te language alike. But I guess I got ein booty goot blace. I moost saw wood all tay oond drive oop te chores in te evenin'. Oond booty gals, too! I shpeaks dot ad- wice ofer anoder lime, so I forgets it not at all. How isl dot.'' " Tink a coople of times oond shpeak. Shump a coople of times oond look pack." I wonder what you looks pack for.? Py him- mel ! I got him ; you looks pack to see how far you shoomped. (Exit, L) CURTAIN. 52 HANS VON SMASH. ACT I Scene. — Same as in Prologue. Room arranged Jor company m Vase of JloTvers on table. Books, albutns, etc., displayed on table. Rock- ing chair L of center table. Lamp burning. Enter Hans, Z, Hans. Dis ist a funny country. Man woi-k till dark oond den gets after te chores. Py dunder! I ton't guess I like dem chores at all. I moost first trive oop te cows. One of tern cows will not trive goot. I yoost hit him mit a shtick. Py himmel! dot cow lifted me on his head oond drowed me mit de fence ofer. I was mat! I sewed more as one hour on te hole -where dot tence went through my bantaloon preeches. Te gals laughed like a circus. Tem gals got shplendit good dempers. Tey told me I moost not at all pring oop dot cow. Ach! I tinks I wouldn't pring him any more. Oond vat a lot of porks! Meester Patch sait I will feed dem porks some pushels of corn, oond te horses only one peck of weet. Dot was not fair. Te horses bin more as seven times pigger as te porks. I yoost divides oond geefs efery horse a pushel of weet, oond efery pork a pushel of corn. Ach! I bin so tired! Oond do*^ fence made trouble in my pack. {Rubs his back. Sits in easy chair.) Dot's a goot schtool ! {Rocks.) Dot's easy! Oond posies ! {^Smells the bouquet.) Acth ! tem maitens know yoost how to fix up a house. Vot dimes ish dot.? Dot moost bin apout half past bed time. Enter Katije, R. Katie. {Aside.) Och! it's a foine easy time he's havin' rockin' himself in the parlor like a gintleman. {Aloud.) Misther Von Smash-up, the hired men sit in the kitchen. Hans. Oh dis room bin goot enough! Katie. Good enough! The girrels will be startin' ye out o' here when their beaux come. Hans. Katrina, te Americans don't shpeak teir language all alike. Katie My name is Katie, shure, it's none o* your Dutch Ka- trinas. Hans. So.? Veil, Katie, you don't shpeak mit words like your cousins, te oder gals. Katie. {Aside.) He's takin' me for an American. An' why shouldn't he, for I've no furrin' ways about me at all. Misther Von Smash-it, we shpeak different accints in this country. It's the style. Hans. Occidents! So.? Katie-reena, mebbe I will have one Occident, too, when I gets te Americanish style! Katie. {Aside.) Faith he's not a bad gintleman at last. {Aloud.) Misther Smash-up, your bed-room is up stairs, second door to the right. HANS VON SMASH. 53 Hans. Ya! ja! All right. {Exit Katie, R.) Veil, I was shieepj now ; but tern tramps, I was to look out for tern. Tey bin not here, oond I waits a shpell. {Sits and rocks.) Enter Mary, R. Mary. {Aside.) Why, is he here jet.? I expect John every minute. {Aloud.) Mr. Von Smash, your bed-room is at the head of the stairs, on the right. Hans. Ya!ya! Ifershtay! {Exit Mary, L.) How defer tem gals bin ! Enter Susie, R, Suste. {Aside.) Good gracious! There's that Dutchman! {Aloud.) Mr. — Mr. — Hans. Ya ! Susie. Mr. Smash, there's a fire in the kitchen stove if you t^i-efer it. Hans. Fire ! I runned after te horses enough to warm a ople of shtoves. >usie. You look tired. Your bed-room is at the right hand » stairs. Hans. Oh, I likes dis room. {Smells bouquet) Susie, {Aside.) Well, I declare ! And Henry may come at any me. I'll find a way to get him out. {Exit L.) Hans. Tem gals bin sociable kind of maitens. Tey makes a tellow feel yoost right at home. 1 likes tem petter as te chores. Enter Susie Z, witA oyster can. Susie. Mr. Smash, will you please come to the kitchen and pen this can of oysters for me ? Hans. Ya! yal"! opens him mit — mit— himmel — mit— Susie. With a can-opener ! Hans. No! mit happiness! Geefhim! {Takes can and drops .m hts knees, and opetis his knife.) Susie. Oh not there! Come to the kitchen for the can-opener. Hans. My yackknife will do! {Begins.) Susie. You v/ill injure the carpet! Hans. Dot injury will not harm te carpet. {7 he lid suddenly gives ivay and spills oysters on the carpet.) Suste. Oh dear! You've ruined the carpet! {Bell rin^s.) There's Henry! {Runs out L.) Hans. {Excited.) Py dunder, tem oysters shoomped out right away ! Vat moost I pe tooin } Tem oysters moost nefer go to waste ! Enter L, Svsi^ followed by Henry Dasher. Susie. Walk in Mr. Dasher! We have had a slight accident. Take a seat here, please. {Seats him on sofa.) Excuse me for a moment. Dasher, Certainly ! {Exit Susie, R.) What on earth is that \ 54 HANS VON SMASH. fellow doing. {Hans empties cards from a card-basket on the table, and picks up the oysters one by one on his knije blade.) Is he an es- caped lunatic? Fellow, you will injure that basket. {Aside.) My present to Susie too! Confound him. Hans, Py dunder is dot ine basket? I dink dot was one plate. Enter Susie, 7?, xvith a pan., spoon and towel. Susie. Oh Mr. Von Smash, you've ruined my card basket? It's too bad, Henry. {Cleans up the oysters^ Dasher. Von Smash! What a name! Susie, I've a mind to smash his head! Susie. It was an accident, Henry. He is not acquainted with our ways. {Exit ivith pan.) Hans. Tern oysters was clean. I did not pick tern mit mein fingers. Dasher. Pah ! An accident indeed ! He's a blockhead. {Paces back and forth.) Hans. {Aside.) I p'leives dot feller was one tramp. He looks sassy sometimes. {Aloud.) Say meester, vere was you goin?' Dasher. That is my own business. Hajis. Ya! ya! I was goin' to find out a leetle vere you was goin'. Dasher. I am going nowhere. Hans. Goin' to shtay all night. Dasher. Attend to your own business, Dutchy, or I'll not be responsible for the consequences. {Aside.) I'd as soon lick that chap as eat. Hafis. [Looks puzzled. Aside.) I dinks dat bin one tramp. Meester, hat you got dis visit pooty much ofer? Dasher. {Excitedly.) Fellow, leave this room. I wont stand your insolence any longer. Hans. Now I knows you are one tramp. You makes te mis- chief yoost as Mr. Patch said. Mine frient, let me geef you one leetle shtick of advice. {Approaches Dasher.) Dasher. Sir, I'm no tramp, I'd have you understand. I'll have satisfaction for that insult! (Squares at Hans.) Hans. Listen for dot atwice. "Tink dwice oond shpeak. Shoomp two times oond look back." Now shoomp towards dot door. Dasher. Villain! Touch me if you dare, ajid I'll break your head. Hans. {Approaching Dasher.) You petter go or I kicks you ofer te yard oond out of te fence. {Dasher strikes at Hans. Hans kicks kirn.) Enter Susie, R, Dasher. Scoundrel ! {Hans seizes Dasher. They struggle. Hans collars Dasher and leads him to the door and kicks himotit.) Hans. Shoomp anoder time! Susie. Mr. Smash! Henry! What's the matter? Please Mr. Smash don't hurt him. {Exeunt all L.) HANS VON SMASH. 55 Enter Mary, R. Mary. I thought I heard a noise. Where can Susie and Mr, Dasher be? Walking on the porch I presume. John is very late this evening. Enter Hans, L. Hans. Eef dot fellow comes pack I moostkick him like one big mule team. Mary. Why Mr. Von Smash have you not retired yet.? Hans. Tired! Ya! I pin trod oond shl^epy, but I stays here a leetle spell yet. {BelL rings. Exit Mary L) Veil dis ist one strange house vere people rings pells oond dont go to ped at all. Enter Mary awii John Prettymam, ZL. Mary. Take a seat Mr. Prettyman. {John seated R of table., Mary seated on sofa.) You are late this evening, John. Prettyman. Yes, I was detained at the store longer than usual. Enter Hans, L. Hans. Himmel! how dot fellow sh wore out in te street! (6"if^5 Prettyman.) Py dunder, anoder one I pleives. {Seats himself L.) Mary. {To Prettyman.) I declare! There's our hired man! What has he come down stairs tor.? {To Hans.) Anything the matter, Hans.? Hans. Nein! I was pooty well! Mary. Couldn't you tind your bed-room? Hans. I haf not time yet to hunt him. Mary. Why, Mr. Von Smash, your work is all done. You can retire anytime. I will show you the way. Hans. Ach! I bin not sleepy, {Aside.) I yoost keeps on dot fellow mit one eye. Mary. Well I never! Where's Susie and Mr. Dasher? This is a trick of Susie's, I know. Prettymam. { With draivl.) Weally now, Miss Mary, that is quite a trick. Mary. I'll get even with her Mr. Prettyman! I'll send him to sit on the porch with them. Prettyman. Ah! Miss Mary! That's a capital idea, now weally. Mary. Mr. Von Smash, will you please sit on the porch a while and listen if Pa's commg? I think lie will be here soon, and when he comes he will neeu assistance with the horses. Hans. Ya ! Ya ! I watches te porch, Mary. Till lather comes! You are very kind, Hans. Hans. Ach! dot bin all right. {Aside.) Py dunder! I listens on te porch mit one ear, oond on dot fellow mit anoder ear. Mebbe dot was goin' to be anoder tramp. {Exit L.) Prettyman. Strategv, ISliss Mary, will ovehturn empiahs. (77/6/ seat themselves %vith tkerr back to tiie dear L.) Mary. Oh! I m quite a strategist, Mr. Prettyman. 56 HANS VON SMASH. Prettyman. Ah, indeed you are; and your conquests are as lasting as complete. Mary. That hadn't occurred to me, John. Prettyman. Vewy twue, I assure you. {Moves his chair closer to Mary's.) Bans. {Opens door L and peeps in.) Dot fellow pet.ter keep shtill. Prettyman. {Draws chair closer.) Deah Miss Mary, the con- quests of fwiendship and — ah — and — Ha7is. {^teps inside. Aside.) Eef dot tramp touches dot gal, I knocks his head off. Prettyman. I was just saying, ah ! that — ah 1 Hans. {Aside.) He petter tink a coople dimes before he shpeaks once. Prettyman. The conquests of love, ah! {Suddenly puts his arm around Mary and hisses her. She gives a little scream.) Hans. (Seizes Prei:yman by the collar and jerks him from the chair.) You shtop dot pooty quick! Prettyman. Weally, ah! this is somewhat sudden, and disa- gweeable, too. I certainly meant no offense. Hans. Fence ! Veil yoost put dot fence between you oond te house right away. Mary. Why, 'Hans, what are you doing.? Hans. Meester Patch sait eef a fellow was doin' meeschief, he was one tramp. Dot fellow was doin's meeschief. He was at- tactin' one single woman, oond he moost go out of dis house. Mary. {Laughing.) Oh, you are mistaken, Hans ; he is a friend of mine. Hans. Ine frient! Veil, I guess he was one pooty goot frient eef you takes all dot from him. Mary. John, we will sit on the porch, too, as Hans seems de- termined to occupy this room, Prettyman. Weally, I would pitch that fellow out of the woom, but I vewy much dislike to have anything to do with such disa- gweeable characters. {Exeunt John and Mary L.) Hans. Vat funny peoples dese Americans bm ! Dot was gweer frientship. Mebbe a fellow likes dot after he learns it. Enter Katie, R. Katie. Faith, Misther Von Smash-up, an' are ye here all alone.? Where are the girrels an' their shwatehearts.? Hans. The girls.? Tey bin on te porches. {Aside) Py dun- der! I plieves I tries dot trientship. Katie. Shure anl^int you lonesome shpindin' the avnin' all by yersilf.? {Seats herself on the sofa.) Hans. Ya! Ya ! a leetle pit. Katriaa, I likes te An-.ericans pooty goot. Katie. {Aside.) He takes me for an American, an' why shouldn't he? Have a seat Misther Hans.? Hans. I likes te frientship in dis country. {Puts his arm around HANS VON SMASH. 57 Katie's neck and presses her head against his shoulder^ Dot bin goot. (Laughs.) Katie. {Releases herself and gives him a ringing slap in the face. Both jump up.) What are ye doin'? Ye've towzed me head in- tirely, and me switch is clane ruined. Hans. {Rtibbing his face.) I was not — I did not — Katie. • You're a dunce, I'm thinkin'. Hans. Don't bin mat! Dot bin only frientship. Katie. Quare friendship indade! I thought ye was shtalin' a kiss, and I'll have none of that. I'll forgive ye this time. {Seats herself on sofa.) Hans. A kees ! I nefer thought like dot. {Aside.) 1 tries dot kees. {Seats himself beside Katie^ Meester Patch ist one nice man. Katie. Yis. indade, he is. Haiia. 1 likes him, oond I likes dis blace, oond I likes dese American gals. {Kisses Katie.) Enter Patch suddenly L. Katie. Och, ye sly rouge! {Sees Batch.) Misther Batch! I declare! {Runs out R.) Batch. How's this, Hans ! I can' t allow any more of that in my house. Hans. Dot have bin enough dis time. Patch. This time! You are getting acquainted very fast, I think. Hans. I tink zo. Patch. No more of this in future, you rascal. Hans. I was makin' frientship. Patch. So I see. Very fast, too! {Pauses.) Did you feed the horses and pigs, as I told you.'' Hans. Ya 1 I feets te pigs one pushel apiece of corns, oond te horses one pushel apiece of weet. Patch. Wheat! You gave the horses a bushel apiece of wheat! You have foundered them and ruined me, you blundering scoun- drel ! {Rushes out R.) Hans. Dunder oond blitzen! I p'lieves dot Patch bin mat like plazes. Enter Z, Dasher, Prettyman, Mary and Susie. Hans. Here ist dot fellow wat shoomped a coople ot dimes, oond noAv he was lookin' pack. Dasher. Dutchy, you are a lunatic; you must leav? this room, and be quick about it. Hans. AchI 1st dot so. ■* Susie. Henry, please let him alone. Don't have any more dis- turbance. Mary. Oh, de.ir, no! pa wouldn't like it Dasher. Your lather evidentij- was not aware of the dangers he was subjecting his daughters to when he left that fellow to take care of them. 58 HANS VON SMASH. Prettyman. Ah ! Dasheh, the fellow desehves seveh punish- ment tor his disagweeable conduct, but — ah — mightn't the conse- quences be uncomfortable, eh? Dasher. The fellow is evidently dangerous, and should be se- cured. He dared to la}' hands on me, confound him. Hans. Nein ! I laid dot on mit mine foot. Dasher. Villain, this is too much! Prettyman, if jOu are not a coward,- jou will assist me. 's(Z[oh,dont. Hans. {Puzzled.) Vot he bin doin'? I don't fershtaj dot. Prettyman. Weally, discwetion is the better part ot valoh, but I think, Dasheh, if you can manage to hold the wetch, 1 can pwe- vent his inj awing the ladies. {Dasher seizes Ha7is and chokes him against the ivall.) Mary. Mercy! Mr. Prettyman, separate them! Murder! Susie. Henry! Mr. Dasher! Help! Enter hastily Batch and Katie, R. Batch. {Separates the7n.) What is this row about.'' Plague take it ! What do you mean } Dasher. You have employed a madman, and turned him loose in your house to wrong your family and insult your guests. He has created pandemonium liere. Batch. {To Hans.) Is this the case.'' Hans. Pantimony! I don't know dot fellow. Prettyman. He is a wegulah despewadoh. Katie. Indade an' it's a shame that he should turn the house upside down with his furrin ways a worryin' dacmt people. {Aside.) Faith an' he 's a good-hearted JDye after all. Batch. Can it be that I am mistaken in you so badly, Mr. Von Smash.'' Hans. Mebbe dot bin so, Meester Patch. I yoost p'lieved tem poys was tramps, oond I 3 oost kicked tem out mit te house, like you told me. {Batchy Katie, and Hans laugh heartily.) Batch. Taken for tramps ! {Laughs heartily again. ) Well, boy s, that 's a joke ; that will pass ! {Laughs.) It 's a good one ! Susie. Hans, did not mean it, pa! Batch. The better joke, then. Mary. But it was all a mistake. Batch. Well, gentlemen, since it was all a mistake and seems to be about an even thing, I'll apol(\f^ize for Hans. But, you ras- cal, you said you fed the horses wheat, when you put oats into the troughs. Besides you did n't bring a single horse into the stable to get his feed. Hans. Ven I goes out to te field for tem horses I yootst put te pridle shtrap ofer te head of dot big gray horse vot ist poss of dot puisness. Ven I took my two hands t»open dot horse's mouth to put in dot leetle iron shdck, dot pridle dropt oond shtriked hees HANS VON SMASH. 59 legs. Py dunder! dot horse, mit te oders after heem, went ofer dot field like one shtreak of lightnin*. Batik. And your stupidity has ruined a good bridle? Hans. Nein ! Dot pridle bin all goot. More as one hour aft- erwarts dot pridle was shtickin' on dot horse's neck. Batch. {Laughs heartily.) Well, Hans, I guess you will learn in time, though to-day I think you have succeeded in turning thing^s thoroughly topsy turvy. Hans. Ya! Ya! Batch. You certainly have made good your right to the name Hans Von Smash. i ARRANGEMENT OF CHARACTERS. ,SV\ER' SUSIE. o^^ Ba \. .# CURTAIN. A FAMILY STRIKE. A spicy farce, illustrating- "strikes," 3 male and 2 female characters. Time 20 ni'nntes. LOUVA, THE PAUPER. A drama in five acts; 9 male and 4 female characters. Time, i hour 45 min. Contains a a^ood Yankee character and a humorous darky character. This is an intensely interesting- and pathetic play. It admits of striking scenic effects- and is a strong play for amateurs. TWO GHOSTS IN WHITE. A humorous farce based on boardino^-school lite; 7 female characters. Time 25 m. Abounds in ludicrous episodes. HANS VON SMASH. A roaring firce in a prolog-ue and one act; 3 male and 4 female characters. Time, 30 min. Contains an excellent humoro'.is Dutch character. THE ASSESSOR. A humorous sketch, illustrating- the difficulties of an assessor in listing- the property of a tax-fighter; 3 niale and 2 female characters. Time, 15 m. BORROWING TROUBLE. A ludicrous farce; j male and 4 female characters. Time, 30 m. Illustrates the yery amusing trials ot a borrowings family. THE PULL-BACK. A laughable farce; 6 female characters. Time, 20 min. Contains an ex- cellent old-fashioned, "old lady " character. Pictures her adventures among the devotees of fashion. COUNTRY JUSTICE. A very amusing country law suit; S male characters. (May admit 14.) Time 20 minutes. ON THE BRINK, Or, The Reclaimed Husband. A temperance drama in two acts; 12 male and 3 female characters. Time, I hour, 45 m. Seven of the characters have unimportant parts, and some of the parts are so arranged that the same person may play two parts. Contains three humorous Yankee characters. A fine play for amateurs. A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. A Sketch ; 2 male and 5 female characters. Time, 25 m. A good piece for 5 ounger boys and girls. New plays will appear from time to time. Costumes furnished. Wigs, beards, masks, face paints, tableau lights, etc., at lowest rates. Parties de- siring full information, please address us. T. S. DENISON, CHICAGO, ILL At prices %v it hill the I'each of any Teacher and all School J^oards. THE HOLBHOOK CONDENSING AIE-PUMP. The above Air- Pump, retailing at $9.00, is claimed to be superior to those ordinarily retailing at $20.00. 1. It exhausts and condenses without any change of its parts, where on ordinary pump, capable only of exhausting the an-, costs $20 alone; then $8 extra must be paid for a condensing chamber; not only this, but the parts must be changed, and the pump is likely to get out of repair. 2. Its exhausting power is at a maximum, the valves being light and its parts being so arranged that no air remains under the piston to re- sist the raising of the exhausting valve by rarified air in the receiver The pump is thus mechanically perfect. 3. No instructions accompany ordinary apparatus. The above pump is accompanied by a hand book, giving full histriiciwns as to the prep- aration and maiiipiLlation of the apparatus in every experi77ient. 4. The entire outfit costs but $20, capable of performing 100 exjaer- iments; in the hands of an ingenious teacher, a greater number. An air pump alone usually costs .525. LIST. Holbrook Condensing Air Pump —extra brass — w iirraiitid $^g 00 Two stop-cocks 2 50 OneConnector (o Movable Receiver 75 Two Sing-le Nut Caps 8') Two Double Nut Cap- 90 Three feet % Rubber Tubinsf... $1 00 Band Sheeting- and Thin Rub- ber Sheeting- 70 Book of Experiments and Ex- planations of Apoaratus 50 Brass Plate *. 2 00 % Gallon Bell Jar Receiver i 25 Address All for $20. Carefully packed in a neat box. T. S. DENISON, Chicago, ni.