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 REPOSITORY OF WIT AND HUMOR; 
 
 COMPRISING 
 
 MORE THAN ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES, 
 
 ODD SCRAPS, OFF-HAND HITS, AND 
 
 HUMOROUS SKETCHES. 
 
 SELECTED AND AHUAXGED BY 
 
 \ 
 M. LAFAYETTE BY EX, ML D. 
 
 AUTHOR OF "REMINISCENCES OF HISTORY," "DARING DEEDS OF WOMAN," 
 "'RANDOM SHOTS," ETC. ETC. 
 
 ft* 
 
 S3 
 
 BOSTON: 
 
 PUBLISHED BY JOHN P. JEWETT & CO. 
 
 CLEVELAND, OHIO : 
 
 JEWETT, PROCTOR & WORTHLNGTON. 
 
 1853. 
 
«n3 
 
 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1852, by 
 
 JOHN P. JEWETT & CO., 
 
 In the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the District of Massachusetts. 
 
 STEREOTYPED BY 
 
 HOBART & BOBBINS, 
 
 NEW ENGLAND TYPE AND STEREOTYPE FOUNDERY, 
 
 BOSTON. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 Nothing is sought after more earnestly, at the 
 present day, than " gems of wit and humor." This 
 being the case, I have been induced to compile this 
 work, which abounds throughout with the most 
 interesting and amusing matter. 
 
 Some of the anecdotes, incidents, &c, are of very 
 great antiquity, and which have not been before the 
 public for more than fifty years past. This gives 
 interest to the work, as the reader can contrast the 
 humorous world in past ages with what it is at the 
 present day. 
 
 In making up this collection, every possible 
 source has been consulted ; but it would be needless 
 
IV PREFACE. 
 
 to say that authorities could be quoted, with few 
 exceptions, for it has been nothing less than the 
 "clippings" of several years that could make up 
 such a variety and number as is here offered. 
 
 M. L. B. 
 
 New York, November, 1852. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 WHENCE COME GREAT MEN? 
 
 Sir Edward Saunders, Chief Justice of England in the 
 reign of Charles the Second, was once a poor beggar-boy 
 strolling about the streets, without any knowledge of his 
 parentage. — Sir Thomas Gresham. who, under the patronage 
 of Elizabeth, became the founder of the Royal Exchange in 
 London, was the son of a poor woman, who, while he was an 
 infant, abandoned him in the fields; and his life was pre- 
 served by the chirping of a grasshopper, which attracted a 
 little boy to the place where he lay. — Nicholas Saunderson, 
 the celebrated mathematician, lost his sight when he was a 
 year old by the small-pox. Assisted by his friends, he pur- 
 sued his studies. He became lecturer on optics in Cam- 
 bridge ; he was the bosom friend of Newton ; he was elected 
 Professor of Mathematics ; and is one of the most acute and 
 learned commentators of the Principia. — Our own Hamilton 
 was the office-boy and runner of his early patron. — William 
 Jones, the friend of Madison and Jefferson, once Secretary of 
 the Navy, and first President of the United States Bank, 
 served his apprenticeship to a ship-builder. 
 
 You have all read of the sexton's son, who became a fine 
 astronomer by spending a short time every evening in gazing 
 on the stars, after ringing the bell for nine o'clock. — Sir 
 1* 
 
b ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 William Phipps, who at the age of forty-five had attained the 
 order of knighthood, and the office of High-sheriff of New 
 England and Governor of Massachusetts, learned to read and 
 to write after his eighteenth year, and whilst learning the trade 
 of a ship-carpenter, in Boston. — William Gifford, the great 
 editor of the Quarterly, was an apprentice to a shoemaker, 
 and spent his leisure hours in study ; and because he had 
 neither pen nor paper, slate nor pencil, he wrote out his 
 problems on smooth leather, with a blunted awl. — David Bit- 
 tenhouse, the American astronomer, when a plough-boy, was 
 observed to have covered his plough and the fences with fig- 
 ures and calculations. — James Ferguson, the great Scotch 
 astronomer, learned to read by himself, and mastered the 
 elements of astronomy whilst a shepherd's boy, in the fields, 
 by night ; and perhaps it is not too much to say, that if the 
 hours wasted in idle company, in vain conversation, at the 
 tavern, were only spent in the pursuit of useful knowledge, 
 the dullest apprentice in any of your shops might become an 
 intelligent member of society, and a fit candidate for most of 
 your civil offices. By such a course the rough covering of 
 many a youth might be laid aside, and their ideas, instead of 
 being confined to local subjects and professional technicalities, 
 might range throughout the wide fields of creation ; and other 
 stars from the young men of this city might be added to that 
 bright constellation of worthies that is gilding our country 
 with a bright yet mellow light. 
 
 QUACKS. 
 
 Who is a quack ? One would think that where there are 
 so many this question need scarcely be asked ; and yet there 
 is not a term in the English language so little understood, or 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 7 
 
 so often misapplied. The regular faculty call all vendors of 
 patent medicines, all practitioners who have not received a 
 collegiate education, and all who differ widely from them in 
 practice, quacks ; but they are often wrong. A quack is 
 one who professes to possess more knowledge than he really 
 has, and promises more than he can perform ; but he who 
 knows how to cure one particular disease, and actually does 
 cure it, who promises and attempts no more, is no quack, 
 all the colleges in the world to the contrary, notwithstanding. 
 All knowledge is not got at school ; nor can a diploma make 
 a savant of an idiot. Learning is knowledge ; but all knowl- 
 edge is not learning. The celebrated " Red Bottle Doctors," 
 of Hertford, England, altogether eclipsed all their neighbors 
 of the regular faculty ; and yet they never went to school. 
 They were farriers, — men of strong minds and sound practi- 
 cal sense ; and they judged rightly, that what was good for 
 horses might be good for men ; — we say rightly, because 
 they were eminently successful in their practice. The most 
 valuable discoveries have been made by uneducated people. 
 Little children discovered the telescope, an untutored Indian 
 the Peruvian bark, a soap-boiler the iodine, and a shepherd 
 navigated Noah's ark. 
 
 There are other than medical quacks, a plenty of them. 
 The teacher who pretends to teach a hundred different arts 
 and sciences is a quack ; the lawyer who predicts the result 
 of a case without hearing the evidence is a quack ; and the 
 preacher who preaches that his is the only true way of salva- 
 tion, is a quack. 
 
 A NEW TEXT. 
 
 The profound knowledge of scripture displayed by some 
 public men is a caution to heathen nations. For instance, 
 
8 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 Mr. Hoge, of Illinois, undertook to compliment one of his 
 colleagues in Congress, the other day, by quoting (as he 
 said) from the Bible the following passage : 
 
 " And while the lamp holds out to burn, 
 The vilest sinner may return." 
 
 Mr. Hoge's scripture quotation, " While the lamp holds 
 out to burn," &c, brings to mind an anecdote related to us 
 by a clergyman as occurring either to him or within his 
 knowledge. A good w T oman (the " weaker vessel," very 
 likely, of the two) had lost her husband by death ; and, 
 receiving a visit of condolence from the minister, she entered 
 pretty fully into a detail of her feelings of loneliness and 
 grief, in her widowed condition. She said she found herself 
 going back and forth, wandering about the house all day 
 long, from garret to cellar, — now looking into the room 
 where her 'poor, dear husband died, then trying to divert her 
 mind by doing chores about house, and then, again, going to 
 the good Book for consolation. She was, she said, a poor, 
 lone woman ; and she could n't help thinking, all day long, 
 of that very touching passage of scripture, — in Lamenta- 
 tions, she believed it was, — which hit her case exactly: 
 " Goosey, goosey gander, where icitt ye wander? " 
 
 EXTRACT FROM DOW JR.'S SERMON ON MEANNESS. 
 
 My friends, too many of you (city folks especially) are 
 ever inclined to meanness. I know some who are so vastly 
 little (if I may be allowed to use the term) that when they 
 are brushed from the earth into the devil's dust-pan, the old 
 chap will have to put on a pair of double -magnifying specta- 
 cles, and poke a long while among the rubbish of immortality. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 9 
 
 before he can find them. There is neighbor Tightfist. in some 
 respects a worthy member of my congregation, and yet I regret 
 to say is mean enough to chase a mosquito through a five- 
 mile swamp for the sake of his suet. To his credit, however, 
 he once made a sacrifice to the good cause, by putting an 
 unfortunate looking penny into the box, and going supperless 
 to bed. And neighbor Stick-in-the-mud. too. if he had the 
 power, and could enrich himself thereby, would brush the 
 silver stars from the firmament, and snatch the golden sun 
 from the sky, and sell the moon for brass : and if sixpence 
 was required at the gate of heaven, rather than pay the fee, 
 I verily believe he would rise from his resting-place at mid- 
 night, and pick the lock with a tenpenny nail ! 
 
 THE ARAB HORSE. 
 
 A most moving incident, illustrative of the extraordinary 
 strength as well as attachment of the Arab horses, is given 
 by Lamartine, in his beautiful travels in the East : 
 
 " An Arab chief, with his tribe, had attacked in the night 
 a caravan of Damascus, and plundered it. When loaded 
 with their spoils, however, the robbers were overtaken in their 
 return by some horsemen of the Pacha of Acre, who killed 
 several, and bound the remainder with cords. In this state 
 of bondage they brought one of the prisoners, named Abou 
 el Marck, to Acre, and laid him, bound hand and foot, 
 wounded as he was, at the entrance of the tent, as they slept 
 during the night. 
 
 " Kept awake by the pain of his wounds, the Arab heard 
 his horse's neigh at a little distance; and, being desirous to 
 stroke, for the last time, the companion of his life, he dragged 
 himself up, bound as he was, to his horse, which was pick- 
 
10 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 eted at a short distance. ' Poor friend/ said he, ' what will 
 you do among the Turks ? You will be shut up under the 
 roof of a khan, with the horses of a pacha, or an aga. No 
 longer will the women and children of the tent bring your 
 barley, camel's milk, or dourra^ in the hollow of their hand ; 
 no longer will you gallop, free as the wind of Egypt, in the 
 desert ; no longer will you cleave with your bosom the waters 
 of the Jordan, which cool your sides, as pure as the foam of 
 your lips. If I am to be a slave, at least you may go free. 
 Go ; return to our tent, to which Marck will return no more, 
 but put your head still in the folds of the tent, and lick the 
 hands of my children.' 
 
 " With these words, as his hands were tied, he undid with 
 his teeth the fetters w T hich held the courser bound, and set 
 him at liberty ; but the noble animal, on receiving its free- 
 dom, instead of bounding away to the desert, bent its head 
 over its master, and, seeing him in fetters and on the ground, 
 took his clothes gently in his teeth, lifted him up, and set off 
 at full speed towards home. Without ever resting, he made 
 straight for the distant but well-known tent, in the mountains 
 of Arabia. He arrived there in safety, and laid his master 
 safe down at the feet of his wife and children, and imme- 
 diately dropped down dead with fatigue. The whole tribe 
 mourned him, and his name is still constantly in the mouths 
 of the Arabs in Jericho." 
 
 MATERNAL AFFECTION. 
 
 A recent traveller gives an account that, when he was 
 walking on the beach in Brazil, he overtook a colored woman 
 with a tray on her head. Being asked what she had to sell, 
 she lowered the tray, and with reverent tenderness uncovered 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 11 
 
 it. It was the lifeless form of her babe, covered by a neat 
 white robe, with a garland round the head, and .flowers within 
 the little hands, that lay clasped upon its bosom. " Is that 
 your child ? " said the traveller. " It was mine a few days 
 ago," she replied, " but the Madonna has it for her little 
 angel now." " How beautifully you have laid it out ! " said 
 he. She added, cheerfully, " Ah ! what is that to the bright 
 wings it wears in heaven?" 
 
 GODLY BOOKS. 
 
 In 1626 a pamphlet was published in London, entitled 
 "A most Delectable, Sweet. Perfumed Nosegay, for God's 
 Saints to smell at." About the year 1646 there was pub- 
 lished a work entitled "A Pair of Bellows, to blow off the Dust 
 cast upon John Fay; " and another called " The Snuffers for 
 Divine Love." Cromwell's time was particularly famous for 
 title-pages. The author of a work on charity entitles his book 
 " Hooks and Eyes for Believers' Breeches ; " and another, who 
 professed a wish to exalt poor human nature, called his labors 
 "High-heeled Shoes for Dwarfs in Holiness; " and another, 
 " Crumbs of Comfort for the Chickens of the Covenant." A 
 Quaker, whose outward man the powers thought proper to 
 imprison, published "A Sigh of Sorrow for the Sinners of 
 Zion, breathed out of a hole in the wall of an Eastern Ves- 
 sel, known among men by the name of Samuel Fish." About 
 the same time there was also published " The Spiritual Mus- 
 tard-pot, to make the Soul Sneeze with Devotion; " " Salva- 
 tion's Vantage-ground, or a Leaping Stand for Heavenly 
 Believers ; " another, " A Shot at the Devil's Head-quarters, 
 through the Tube of the Cannon of the Covenant." : 'This 
 is an author who speaks plain language, that the most ill iter- 
 
12 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ate reprobate cannot fail to understand;" another, " Reap- 
 ing-hook, well tempered for the Stubborn Ears of the Coming 
 Crop ; or, Biscuits baked in the Oven of Charity, carefully 
 conserved for the Chickens of the Church, the Sparrows of 
 the Spirit, and the Sweet Swallows of Salvation." To 
 another, we have the following copious description of its con- 
 tents: " Seven Sobs of a Sorrowful Soul for Sin, or the 
 Penitential Psalms of the Princely Prophet David ; where- 
 unto are also annexed William Huinnis' Handful of Honey- 
 suckles, and Divers Godly and Pithy Ditties, now newly 
 augmented." 
 
 ABYSSINIAN BRUCE. — GEORGE SELWYN. 
 
 In a large company at dinner, Mr. Bruce was, according 
 to his custom, talking away. Some one asked him what 
 musical instruments are used in Abyssinia. Bruce hesitated, 
 not being prepared for the question, and at last said, "I 
 think I saw one lyre there." George Selwyn whispered his 
 next man, "Yes, and there is one less since he left the 
 country." 
 
 Priests (says a punster) are elected in Spain to head 
 armies, with perfect propriety, as they have been bred to the 
 canon law. 
 
 A lady, visiting the British Museum, said to one of the 
 librarians, "Pray, sir, haven't you a skull of Oliver Crom- 
 well here?" "No, madam," replied the man of learning 
 and antiquity. "Dear me," said she, "I wonder at that, 
 for they have a very fine one in the museum at Oxford. " 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 13 
 
 THE TONGUE. 
 
 A company of gentlemen and ladies were very sportive in 
 interrogating each other ; one asked the other if she spoke 
 the Spanish language. A gentleman sitting by answered 
 the lady in saying " that one was enough, for he had under- 
 stood that a lady's tongue hung on a pivot, for both ends 
 moved at the same time.*' " 0, dear sir,'" said the lady, " I 
 think one is enough, if it is well used." 
 
 A BLACK PUDDING. 
 
 A country woman, who was very anxious to hear a cer- 
 tain clergyman preach, at some distance from her place of 
 residence, put a black pudding into her bosom to serve as a 
 refreshment. The clergyman, happening to preach on our 
 darling sins, used the expression so often, u Pull them out of 
 your bosom," that the woman, in a pet, pulled out the pud- 
 ding, and threw it at him. saying, " There, tak it ; what need 
 for makin' a* this noise about a bit of black puddin* 1 " 
 
 
 ANTICHRIST. 
 
 It was formerly a custom, among the Scottish clergy, to 
 make perpetual allusions in their prayers to the Pope, whom 
 they always characterized by the epithet Antichrist. At 
 the time, however, of the French Revolution, the good old 
 hatred of popery gave way before a still more dreadful sub- 
 ject of antipathy and horror, — the mingled infidelity and 
 Jacobinism propagated in consequence of that tremendous 
 event ; and it then became customary to pray for the altar 
 and the throne. Soon after this material change in the 
 prayers had taken place, a poor woman one day said to the 
 
14 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 Rev. Mr. M — -, of Montrose, " Sir, I hae something to 
 spier at ye ; but ye maunna tak it ill." " Na, na," returned 
 
 Mr. M , "I'll no tak it ill." " Ou, dear me, then," 
 
 rejoined the old woman ; " is yon Anna Christie dead, or is 
 she better, that ye prayed sae lang about, for I ne'er hear ye 
 speak about her noo?" 
 
 A GUIDE TO OLD AGE. 
 
 The late Archbishop of Seville, in Spain, lived to the 
 extraordinary age of one hundred years, eight months, and 
 fourteen days. He used to tell his friends, when asked what 
 regimen he observed to be even at that age in the full enjoy- 
 ment of every faculty, " By being old when I was young, I 
 find myself young now I am old." 
 
 STORY OF SIR FRANCIS ANDERSON'S RING. 
 
 The story of Sir Francis Anderson's ring is curious. He 
 was Mayor of Newcastle in 1559. Standing on the bridge, 
 he accidentally dropped a ring from his finger, which fell into 
 the river. The marvellous part of the relation is that, some 
 time after, one of his servants bought a fish in the market, in 
 the body of which the identical ring was found, and thus 
 restored to the owner. In 1783 Mr. Brand saw the ring in 
 the possession of Mr. Edward Anderson, merchant, who per- 
 mitted him to take a drawing of it. He tells us that the 
 engraving on the signet seems to be a Roman antique ; and 
 he adds that this Mr. Anderson has a deed of family prop- 
 erty the seal of which exhibits an impression answerable to 
 that on this memorable ring, and is of a date prior to the 
 supposed time of this extraordinary event. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 15 
 
 An officer being much intoxicated, an old soldier observed 
 that he was afraid there was something wrong at head- 
 quarters. 
 
 A gentleman calling on a friend who, on account of cer- 
 tain duns, was a good deal at home, and had given out to his 
 friends as an excuse that he was confined to his room, 
 which was on the third floor, asked him if he had been ill. 
 "Yes," replied the other, "I have had a severe fit of the 
 roo;?i-atism." " Ay, ay," said his friend, looking round, i: I 
 perceive you are room-attic." 
 
 A certain gentleman, not well skilled in orthography, 
 requested his friend to send him too monkeys. The t not 
 being distinctly written, the friend concluded his too was 
 intended for 100. With difficulty he procured fifty, which 
 he sent, adding. '-'The other fifty, agreeable to your order, 
 will be forwarded as soon as possible." 
 
 A young poet offered his play to one of the theatres for 
 nothing. The manager said the author well knew the exact 
 
 value of it. 
 
 A schoolmaster, who was charged with using the birch 
 rather too violently, declared that it was the only way to 
 make a dull boy smart. 
 
 TIT FOR TAT. 
 
 The passengers on board an Aberdeen smack were most 
 grievously annoyed by the nocturnal visitations of myriads 
 
16 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 of hungry bugs. These little blood-suckers were so inces- 
 sant in their attacks, that to close an eye was utterly out of 
 the question ; nay, so severely did some suffer, that in the 
 morning, when all hands were mustered in the cabin, their 
 physiognomies were to be recognized with considerable diffi- 
 culty ! One night their agonies became so intolerable that 
 they bellowed out to the master of the vessel, " 0, master ! 
 master ! they ? re biting us ! ' J " Wha the deil 's biting ye ? " 
 cries the master. " 0, sir, the bugs." The response of the 
 master, if not consolatory, was admirably laconic: " Weel, 
 mair feil ye ; canna ye bite them again ? " 
 
 MARCH OF INTELLECT. 
 
 A gentleman visiting Mr. Wood's school in Edinburgh, 
 had a book put into his hand for the purpose of examining a 
 class. The word inheritance occurring in the verse, the 
 querist interrogated the youngster as follows: "What is 
 inheritance?" "Patrimony." "What is a patrimony?" 
 " Something left by a father." " What would you call it, if 
 left by a mother ? " " Matrimony P 
 
 COURT MICE. — VOLTAIRE, ALGAROTTI, AND CHASOL. 
 
 These three geniuses were at one time at the court of 
 Frederic, and, as Voltaire expresses it, " made their escape 
 at the same time." It is well known how mrTch must be 
 borne ft'om princes and great men. But Frederic was too 
 free in the abuse of his prerogative. All society has its 
 laws, except the society of the lion and the lamb. Frederic 
 continually failed in the first of these laws, which is to say 
 nothing disobliging of any of the company. He often used 
 
OXE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 17 
 
 to ask bis chamberlain, Polnitz, if he would not willingly 
 change his religion a fifth time, and offer to pay an hundred 
 crowns down for his conversion. He treated poor D'Argens 
 in much the same way. As for Maupertuis, who had been 
 silly enough to place out his money at Berlin, he was obliged 
 to remain there; kl where his treasure wasf* there was his 
 body obliged also to remain. 
 
 RIGHT HON. JOHN HELY HUTCHINSON. 
 
 This celebrated statesman and lawyer had accumulated a 
 great number of very lucrative places ; and so great was his 
 avidity, that Lord North humorously said, " If England and 
 Ireland were given to this man, he would solicit the Isle of 
 Man for a potato-garden.'' 
 
 ALEXANDER POPE, ESQ. 
 
 Mr. Pope's aunt taught him to read when he was a child, 
 and he learnt to write from copying only. 
 
 The subscriptions for his Iliad amounted to six thousand 
 pounds, beside twelve hundred pounds from Lintot for the 
 copy. 
 
 Mr. Pope did not. in his last hours, choose to be attended 
 by the Catholic priest, recommended by Mr. Hooke to come 
 to him, till he knew Lord Bolingbroke had quitted his house. 
 
 Mr. Pope died as he was receiving extreme unction. It is 
 probable, from his not having sufficiently attended to his 
 religious faith and principles, that he was almost in the state 
 of that French nobleman, mentioned in a French miscellany, 
 called A?ia, who, at the requisition of his wife, sent for a 
 priest : and when the priest asked him whether he believed 
 
18 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 such and such particular article, he turned to his wife, and 
 said, "My dear, should I believe that ?" 
 
 A brilliant talker is not always liked by those whom he 
 has most amused. 
 
 Quick believers need broad shoulders. Some people 
 should be all shoulders. 
 
 He that would reprove the world must be one whom the 
 world cannot reprove. 
 
 When the winds of applause blow fresh and strong, then 
 steer with a steady hand. 
 
 Those who declaim loudest against money-getting are 
 often the most avaricious. 
 
 The zeal which begins with hypocrisy must conclude in 
 treachery ; at first, it deceives, — at last, it betrays. 
 
 If judges would make their decisions just, they should 
 behold neither plaintiff, defendant nor pleader, but only the 
 cause itself. 
 
 By cultivating the beautiful, we scatter the seeds of 
 heavenly flowers ; by doing good, we foster those already 
 belonging to humanity. 
 
 The nerve which never relaxes, the eye which never 
 blenches, the thought which never wanders, — these are the 
 masters of victory. 
 
 Digby, the other day, found some money in the street. 
 "Ah!" said he, with a knowing look, " papers have been 
 saying that ' money's tight,' but I wouldn't have believed 
 it ; if I hadn't found it in the gutter." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 19 
 
 POLICY. 
 
 Four days before the death of the Cardinal d'Amboise, 
 Louis XII. having paid him a visit, he burst into tears, and 
 made a general and ministerial confession to the monarch. 
 He acknowledged that he left considerable riches, in the 
 acquisition of which he had many things to reproach himself 
 with. He maintained that he had taken nothing from his 
 majesty's subjects; but he told him that he had for a long 
 time received a pension of fifty thousand ducats from differ- 
 ent princes and republics of Italy, thirty thousand of which 
 were from the Florentines alone. He had, besides, got con- 
 siderable presents, and amassed large sums. He begged the 
 king, therefore, to permit him to dispose of all that he pos- 
 sessed ; and the good king granted him more than he asked. 
 
 DEFINITION OF LOVE. 
 
 At a parochial examination, the minister asked a sort of 
 half-crazy woman what love was, which the string of his 
 former questions led him to. " What's love, Nanny?" 
 "Hoot fye, sir," says Nanny, "dinna speer sic daft like 
 questions as that, when I 'm sure ye ken that love 's joost an 
 unco fykiness i' mind ; an' what mair can me or ony other 
 body say about it?" 
 
 LEARNED DIVINE. 
 
 The equivocality of many of the names of places in Scot- 
 land has given occasion to a very amusing saying regarding 
 a clergyman : "He was born in the parish of Dull, brought 
 up at the school of Dunse {quasi Dunce), and finally 
 settled minister in the parish of Drone ! " 
 
20 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 The following anecdote may be relied on. — When Foote 
 had a house at Hampstead, he invited a number of friends in 
 London to dine with him, twenty of whom obeyed the invita- 
 tion, and fared sumptuously. The repast being over. Dr. 
 Heffernan, who was one of the company, drew from his 
 pocket proposals for a new edition of Horace ; the conditions 
 stating that the price would be two guineas, half to be paid at 
 the time of subscribing, and the other half on the delivery 
 of the book. Our Aristophanes threw down his guinea 
 without delay, declaring himself a subscriber, and every 
 person present instantly followed his example. But, after 
 Heffernan had pocketed the twenty guineas, our host deliv- 
 ered the following remonstrance, addressing himself to the 
 now affluent physician : " Heffernan, this is about the thirty- 
 . fifth time that I have subscribed to your Horace, but for 
 heaven's sake never think of printing it! It is hardship 
 enough to be obliged to throw away a guinea ; but the further 
 punishment of reading your vile nonsense would be intolera- 
 ble." The doctor smiled, and implicitly followed his advice, 
 for not a line of his Horace ever appeared. 
 
 A particular old gentleman of the name of Hair 
 received a letter from one who did not know how to spell his 
 name exactly, and directed the letter to Mr. Hare. The let- 
 ter was returned by the former as an insult, with the remark 
 " that he had seen too much of the world to suffer himself to 
 be made game of." 
 
 Foote, being asked by a lady to translate a physician's 
 motto, which was u a numine salus" he quickly replied, 
 "God help the patient !" 
 
E THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 21 
 
 SINGULAR ANECDOTE OF CHARLES THE SECOND. 
 
 FR03I JIACPHERSON. 
 
 Soon after the Eye-house plot was discovered, thinking to 
 be severe upon the character of his brother, he exhibited a 
 striking feature of his own. The duke, one day. returning 
 from hunting with his guards, found the king in Hyde Park. 
 He expressed his surprise how his majesty could venture his 
 person alone at such a perilous time. " James," replied the 
 king, "take you care of yourself, and I am safe. No man 
 will kill me to make you king ! " 
 
 REPROOF FROM THE PULPIT. 
 
 The Rev. Mr. Shirra, a most eccentric dissenting clergyman 
 at Kirkaldy, could never endure to see any of his flock attend 
 public worship in clothes that he thought too fine for their 
 station in life. One Sunday afternoon, a young lass, who 
 attended his meeting-house regularly, and was personally 
 known to him, came in with a new bonnet of greater magni- 
 tude and more richly decorated than he thought befitted the 
 wearer. He soon observed it ; and, pausing in the middle of 
 his discourse, said, "Leuk, ony o' ye that's near hand there, 
 whether my wife be sleepin' or no, as I canna get a glint o' 
 her for a' thae fine falderals about Jenny Bean's braw new 
 bannet." 
 
 An Irishman, warmly expressing his gratitude to the 
 United States to a friend of ours who was travelling through 
 that country, said, " Had it not been for Ameriky, in sending 
 us flour and male, Ireland wouldn't have been here to this 
 day." 
 
22 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 PETER BALES 
 
 Was one of the first introducers of short-hand writing. 
 His skill in micography, or miniature writing, was, we 
 believe, unparalleled. Mr. Evelin informs that, in the year 
 1575, he wrote the Lord's Prayer, the creed, the decalogue, 
 with two short prayers in Latin, his own name, motto, day 
 of the month, year of the Lord, and reign of the queen 
 (Elizabeth), to whom he presented it at Hampton Court, all 
 within the circle of a silver penny, inchased in a ring and 
 borders of gold, and covered with a crystal so accurately 
 wrought as to be very plainly legible. He died about 1600. 
 
 DRAMATIC ANECDOTES. 
 
 Moliere, the great comic poet of France, was also an 
 excellent performer. He died while sustaining a part in a 
 comedy of his own writing, called "Le Malade Imaginaire," 
 in the year 1679, in his grand climacteric. The Archbishop 
 of Paris, who held the amusement of the stage in detestation, 
 would not suffer his body to be inhumed in consecrated 
 ground. The king, being informed of the obstinacy of this 
 rigid prelate, sent for him into his presence, and began to 
 expostulate with him on the impropriety of his conduct; but 
 the holy man was not to be convinced. His majesty, finding 
 fair arguments ineffectual, at length asked him how many feet 
 deep the consecrated ground reached. The bishop, without 
 reflection or ceremony, replied, " About eight." "Then," 
 replied the king, " let the grave of Moliere be dug twelve 
 feet, which is four below the consecrated earth ! " Louis 
 the Fourteenth spoke this in a tone which convinced the 
 churchman that it would be unsafe to make further resist- 
 ance. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 23 
 
 A PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Maclaurin, the able expounder of Newton's " Principia," 
 and Professor of Mathematics in the College of Edinburgh, 
 could not yawn without dislocating his jaw. At the same 
 time, his instinct of imitation was so strong, that he could 
 not resist yawning when he witnessed that act in others. His 
 pupils w r ere not slow in discovering and taking advantage of 
 his weakness. When tired of his lecture, they either began 
 to yawn, or open their mouths in imitation of that act, and 
 prelection was immediately interrupted. The professor stood 
 before them with his mouth wide open, and could not proceed 
 till he rang for his servant to come and shut it. In the 
 mean time the conspirators effected their escape. 
 
 SIR JAMES STUART, BART. 
 
 During the intended French invasion into Scotland, in the 
 year 1708, the English fleet at the mouth of the Frith of 
 Forth was mistaken at Edinburgh for the French. Upon 
 that occasion, Sir Hugh Dalrymple, Lord President of the 
 Court of Session, who was flying into England himself, 
 advised Sir James Stuart to do the same, putting him in 
 mind that he had had a hand in drawing the Prince of 
 Orange's manifesto. He answered, " Ay, ay, my dear, that 
 is true; and I must draw this man's, too." This is a story 
 well known to both families. 
 
 The Rev. Rowland Hill, in a conversation on the powers 
 of the letter H, w T here it was contended that it was no letter, 
 but a simple aspiration or breathing, took the opposite side 
 of the question, and insisted on its being, to all intents and 
 
24 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 purposes, a letter ; and concluded by observing that, if it were 
 not, it was a very serious affair to him, as it would occasion 
 his being ill all the days of his life. 
 
 PRACTICAL WIT. 
 
 A young gentleman, celebrated for his wit at college, was 
 asked by his father for a specimen of his talents, while enter- 
 taining a party of friends at vacation. The scholar knelt 
 upon the hearth and roared lustily, twice, to the great sur- 
 prise of the old squire, who asked him what the he meant 
 
 by that. " Why, sir," replied the son, "seeing the fire so 
 low, I thought it might be the better for &pair of bellows " 
 
 EDMUND BURKE, ESQ., 
 
 Was not only fond of reading novels, but of reading them 
 aloud to his company. Ladies were always extremely 
 delighted to have him to read works of that sort. One day, 
 a beautiful young lady, of the name of Miss Paine, had come 
 over from the charming seat of Paine's Hill, near Cobham, to 
 visit Mrs. Burke, and was a hearer of one of these readings. 
 The phrase Mons Veneris happening to occur, the young 
 lady asked the meaning. " Paine* s Hill" replied the gal- 
 lant Edmund. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF BOISSI. 
 
 It occurred to one of Boissi's friends that it was very ex- 
 traordinary he could never find him at home, and, at length, 
 he burst open the door. He now beheld his friend, with 
 his wife and child, lying on a bed, pale and emaciated, scarcely 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 25 
 
 able to utter a sound. The parents lay still, in a perfect 
 stupor ; they never heard the bursting open of the door, 
 and felt nothing of the embraces of their agitated friend. 
 They were restored to health and the world. This trans- 
 action made a great noise at Paris, and at length came to the 
 ears of Madam Pompadour. She immediately sent Boissi 
 one hundred loads d'or : and procured him a profitable place, 
 with a pension for his wife and child. He was a member of 
 the French Academy. His works are printed in three 
 vols.. 8vo. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF GAERICK. 
 
 When Garrick was last at Paris. Preville invited him to 
 his villa. Preville was reckoned the most accomplished com- 
 edian of the French theatre. Our Koscius, being in a very 
 gay humor, proposed to go in one of the hired coaches that 
 go to Versailles, on which road the villa of Preville lies. 
 When they got in, he ordered the coachman to drive on, who 
 answered that he would do so as soon as he got his complement 
 of four passengers. A caprice immediately seized Garrick ; 
 he determined to give his brother-player a specimen of art. 
 While the coachman was attentively plying for passengers, 
 Garrick slipped out of the door, went round the coach, and, 
 by his wonderful command of countenance, — a power which 
 he so happily displayed in Abel Drugger, — palmed himself 
 upon the coachman for a stranger. This he did twice, and 
 was admitted each time into the coach as a fresh passenger, 
 to the astonishment and admiration of Preville. He whipped 
 out a third time, and, addressing himself to the coachman, was 
 answered, in a surly tone, "that he had already got his com- 
 plement ; " and he would have driven off without him, had not 
 Preville called out that, as the stranger appeared a very little 
 3 
 
26 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 man, they would, to accommodate the gentleman, contrive to 
 make room. 
 
 COMPLAISANCE. 
 
 It is well known that Madam de Guerchville was extremely 
 beautiful, that Henry IV. was in love with her, that she 
 resisted his passion a long time, and that the king conceived 
 so much esteem for her that he appointed her a lady of the 
 bedchamber to the queen, telling her that had he known a 
 more virtuous woman in his kingdom he would have given 
 her the preference. 
 
 The Abbe de Choissy relates a circumstance in the life of 
 this lady hitherto unknown. Henry IV., knowing that Madam 
 de Guercheville was at Roche-Guyon, resolved to pay her a 
 visit; and sent a gentleman to acquaint her that, having been 
 on a hunting party in the neighborhood, he requested leave 
 to sup with her, and to sleep in her castle. The lady replied, 
 with great respect, that she would do her best to receive the 
 king in a manner suitable to his rank and dignity. The 
 monarch, enchanted with this answer, repaired to the castle, 
 where he found Madame de Guerchville at the bottom of the 
 staircase, full-dressed, and ready to receive him. She con- 
 ducted him, with much ceremony, into the best apartment ; 
 and, as he passed along, he observed in the kitchen every 
 preparation for a magnificent supper. The lady informed 
 him, as soon as he had enjoyed a little repose, it would be 
 served up. When the supper was ready, and the king about 
 to sit down to table, he learned that Madam de Guercheville 
 had ordered her carriage, and departed from the castle. Sur- 
 prised and much vexed at this information, he sent to inquire 
 the reason ; upon which she sent back this answer : that a 
 king ought always to be master wherever he was ; and that, 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 27 
 
 as for her part, she wished to enjoy freedom, wherever she 
 might be. 
 
 Let us so order our conversation in the world that we 
 may live, when we are dead, in the affections of the best, 
 and leave an honorable testimony in the consciences of the 
 worst. 
 
 He who troubles himself more than he needs grieves also 
 more than is necessary ; for the same weakness which makes 
 him anticipate his misery makes him enlarge it too. 
 
 He that can apprehend and consider vice, with all her 
 baits and seeming pleasure, and yet abstain, and yet distin- 
 guish, and yet prefer, that which is truly better, — he is the 
 true warfaring Christian. 
 
 Henry the Eighth, and Francis the First of France, were 
 both princes of very warm tempers ; and the former, having 
 a design of sending a very warm message to the latter, pitched 
 on Sir Thomas More, his chancellor, for the messenger. Sir 
 Thomas, having received his instructions, told Henry that he 
 feared, if he carried such a message to so violent a man as 
 FranciSj it might cost him his head. " Never fear, man," 
 said the king ; " if Francis were to cut off your head, I would 
 make every Frenchman in my power a head shorter." "I 
 am obliged to your majesty," replied the facetious chancellor, 
 l: but I must doubt if any of their heads would fit my shoul- 
 ders." 
 
 Truth, they say, lies in a well. " For my part," said a 
 wit, "I thought it the property of truth to lie nowhere." 
 
28 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 IMPLICIT FAITH. 
 
 The celebrated Simon Fraser, Lord Lovat, to his other 
 qualities added a most inordinate vanity. In 1736 he 
 erected a monument (still extant) in the old church of Kirk- 
 hill, within a few miles of Castle Dounie, to the memory of 
 his father, in which he took occasion to say of himself that 
 " both at home and abroad, by his eminent actions in the war 
 and the state, he had acquired great honors and reputation." 
 Sir Robert Munro, who fell at Falkirk, being on a visit to 
 Lord Lovat, they went together to view this monument. Sir 
 Robert, upon reading the inscription, in a free manner said, 
 " Simon, how the devil came you to put up such boasting, 
 romantic stuff? " To which the wary Jacobite replied, " The 
 monument and inscription are chiefly for the Frasers, who 
 must believe whatever I, their chief, require of them, and 
 their posterity will think it as true as the gospel." 
 
 KING JAMES II. 
 
 Some time previous to the landing of the Prince of Orange, 
 it was generally reported that the whole armament was lost. 
 James received the news at dinner ; and, with an appearance 
 of great devotion, remarked, "It is not to be wondered at, 
 for the host has been exposed these several days ! " 
 
 out-lawed. 
 
 When Sergeant Maynard, then ninety years of age, came 
 at the head of the lawyers to congratulate the Prince of 
 Orange, the prince having paid him this compliment on the 
 vigor of his age, "that he had outlived all the men of the 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 29 
 
 law of his time,' 5 Maynard answered, " Had not your High- 
 ness come over. I should have outlived the law itself." 
 
 THE BRITISH SEAMAN STILL. 
 
 WHEN D'Avaux, the French ambassador, hastened to 
 inform James, then in Ireland, of some advantage obtained 
 by the French fleet, James, with a generous peevishness, 
 answered, " C'est Men la premiere fois done:" — "It is 
 the first time, then." 
 
 Lady Lane was presiding, one evening, at the card-table, 
 when her ruffles caught the fire of the candle. Lord Lyttle- 
 ton. intending to be witty on the accident, said he did not 
 think her ladyship so apt to take fire, "Nor am I, my 
 lord, from such a spark as you." 
 
 There are none or very few evils, but penury and guilt. 
 The dignity of virtue makes everything else a trifle, or very 
 tolerable. Penury itself may flatter one, for it may be 
 inflicted on a man for his virtue. 
 
 It is the great privilege of poverty to be happy unenvied, 
 to be healthy without physic, secure without a guard, and 
 to obtain from the bounty of nature what the great and 
 wealthy are compelled to procure by the help of art. — 
 Johnson. 
 
 Lord Chesterfield's physicians having informed him 
 that he was dying "by inches,'" he thanked Heaven that he 
 was not so tall by a foot as Sir Thomas Robinson. 
 
 3* 
 
SO ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 An ignorant lawyer, pleading in an action of assault and 
 battery, to aggravate matters, gravely told the court that his 
 client had been beaten by a certain wooden instrument, called 
 an iron pestle. 
 
 cc Dear me, how fluidly he does talk ! " said Mrs. Parting- 
 ton, recently, at a temperance lecture. "I am always 
 rejoiced when he mounts the nostril, for his eloquence warms 
 me in every nerve and cartridge of my body, — verdigrease 
 itself couldn't be more smooth than his blessed tongue is ! " 
 and she wiped her spectacles with her cotton bandanna, and 
 never took eyes from the speaker during the whole hour he 
 was on the stand. 
 
 Women are curious creatures, after all ; when they once 
 see a man that they like, they will watch him. 
 
 An Hibernian traveller, expressing how cheering and com- 
 fortable the roads are made by mile-stones, suggests that it 
 would be a great improvement if they were nearer each other. 
 
 An Irish footman, having carried a basket of game from 
 his master to a friend, waiting a considerable time for his 
 customary fee, but finding no present appear, scratched his 
 head and said, " Sir, if my master should say, ' Paddy, what 
 did the gentleman give you,' what would your honor have me 
 tell him?" 
 
 Why is a mariner tracking his way upon a map like the 
 old Pharisees ? — Because he compasses sea and land. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 31 
 
 DR. JOHNSON. 
 
 When Dr. Johnson was on his tour to the Hebrides, he 
 dined at the house of George Gordon, Esq., of Gordon 
 Bank, near Kelso, in company with Lord Kaimes and other 
 gentlemen. In the evening, when tea and coffee were intro- 
 duced, Miss Gordon, the host's daughter, directed the servant 
 to hand the doctor some tea-cakes peculiar to Scotland, called 
 scones, or girdle-cakes. Dr. Johnson pushed the man's 
 hand back, signifying that he would not taste them. The 
 young lady, who had superintended their making, feeling 
 a little disappointed, determined to try her efforts on the 
 doctor, and presented them herself, observing they were made 
 purposely for him. The doctor looked good-naturedly at 
 Miss Gordon (who had been silent the whole time of dinner), 
 and said, taking the cakes, " Have you a tongue? I have 
 not heard you speak this day." The young lady answered, 
 " My benefit, sir, has been in hearing." The doctor instantly 
 replied, "I have not heard so good a thing said this day." 
 And this in the company of the author of " The Elements of 
 Criticism." 
 
 Two suitors in chancery, being reconciled to each other 
 after a very tedious and expensive suit, applied to an artist 
 to paint a device in commemoration of their returning amity 
 and peace. The artist accordingly painted one of them in his 
 shirt j and the other stark naked. 
 
 A gentleman meeting a very young and beautiful girl in 
 the pump-room at Bath, asked her why she drank the waters. 
 "From mere wantonness, sir," replied she. " And pray, 
 madam," said he, " have they cured you?" 
 
32 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 When Dr. Percy first published his collection of Ancient 
 English Ballads, perhaps he was too lavish in commendation 
 of the beautiful simplicity and poetic merit he supposed him- 
 self to discover in them. This circumstance provoked John- 
 son to observe, one evening, at Miss Reynolds' tea-table, that 
 he could rhyme as well, and as elegantly, in common narra- 
 tive and conversation. For instance, says he, 
 
 " As, with my hat upon my head, 
 I walked along the Strand, 
 I there did meet another man, 
 With his hat in his hand." 
 
 Or, to render such poetry subservient to my own immediate 
 use, 
 
 " I therefore pray thee, Renny dear, 
 That thou wilt give to me, 
 With cream and sugar softened well. 
 Another dish of tea. 
 
 " Nor fear that I, my gentle maid, 
 
 Shall long detain the cup, 
 
 When once unto the bottom I 
 
 Have drank the liquor up. 
 
 " Yet hear, alas ! this mournful truth, 
 Nor hear it with a frown ; 
 Thou canst not make the tea so fast 
 As I can gulp it down." 
 
 And thus he proceeded through several more stanzas, till the 
 reverend critic cried out for quarter. Such ridicule, how- 
 ever, was not unmerited. The editor of the Biographia 
 Dramatica judiciously observes, "It has sometimes hap- 
 pened that those who have been tempted to reprint specimens 
 of the rude poetry of our early writers have likewise per- 
 suaded themselves that these trifles were possessed of a further 
 degree of value than they may justly challenge as the records 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 33 
 
 of fugitive customs, or the repositories of ancient language. 
 When Rowe, in his Prologue to Jane Shore, without excep- 
 tion, declared that 
 
 * These venerable ancient song-inditers 
 Soared many a pitch above our modern writers,! 
 
 he certainly said what he neither believed himself, nor could 
 "wish any part of his audience or his readers to believe. Such 
 literary falsehoods deserve to be exposed as often as they are 
 detected. 7 ' 
 
 A physician who lived in London visited a lady who 
 resided at Chelsea. After continuing his visits for some time, 
 the lady expressed an apprehension that it might be incon- 
 venient for him to come so far on her account. " 0, by no 
 means," replied the doctor; "I have another patient in the 
 neighborhood, and I always set out to kill two birds with 
 one stone." 
 
 Dr. Henniker being in private conversation with the 
 Earl of Chatham, his lordship asked him, among other ques- 
 tions, what was wit. "Wit," ne replied, "my lord, is what 
 a pension would be, given by your lordship to your humble 
 servant, — a good thing well applied." 
 
 A Frenchman having frequently heard the word press 
 made use of to imply persuade, as "press that gentleman 
 to take some refreshment," "press him to stay to-night," 
 thought he would show his talents by using a synonymous 
 term : and, therefore, made no scruple one evening to cry 
 out in company. " Pray squeeze that lady to sing." 
 
34 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 DR. JOHNSON. 
 
 When James Bos well took Dr. Johnson to his father's 
 house in Scotland, old Boswell, astonished at the singularity 
 of his manners, remarked that Jamie had brought an odd 
 chiel along with him. " Sir," said Boswell, " he is the 
 grand luminary of our hemisphere : quite a constellation, 
 sir ! " " Ursa Major, I suppose," said the old gentleman. 
 
 MOFFAT. 
 
 The village of Moffat has of late years thriven considerably, 
 by reason of the visitors attracted to it by a mineral well in 
 the neighborhood. As its prosperity, however, is great 
 during the summer months, so it is little during the desolate 
 period of winter. The neighboring villagers, who, of course, 
 envy Moffat during the days of its splendor, have long had a 
 standing joke upon the town. " If you meet," say they, " a 
 Moffat man in summer anyw T here out of doors, and ask him 
 where he resides, he vociferates, — £ Moffat, and be d — d! J 
 But, on the contrary, if you ask the same question in winter, 
 his answer is expressed in the most piteous strain, — £ Moffat, 
 God help us ! ' " 
 
 The first time General Howe went to court, after his 
 return from America, he had to his carriage a very handsome 
 pair of bay horses. A person, who observed them, exclaimed, 
 " Where could the general get his bays? " " Not in Amer- 
 ica," replied a bystander. 
 
 In a coffee-house in London the following hint w r as once 
 stuck up by a witty wag: " Gentlemen learning to spell 
 are requested to use yesterday's papers." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 35 
 
 CURIOUS STRATAGEM OF TENIER. 
 
 Tins great painter, perceiving that the works of painters 
 sold much dearer after the death of their authors, wisely 
 determined to anticipate the reversionary profits of talent ; 
 and. to effect this, thought he could not adopt a better 
 expedient than to cease to live to the public. In order to 
 execute this singular stratagem, he absented himself from the 
 town of Anvers. and his wife and children counterfeited afflic- 
 tion by putting on black. The trick succeeded, and in a 
 very short time all the pieces of the pretended deceased 
 were bought up at very high prices. 
 
 SEEING NOT BELIEVING. 
 
 The Abbe Regnier, secretary of the French Academy, 
 was collecting in his hat from each member a contribution for 
 a certain purpose. The president, Roses, one of the Forty, was 
 a great miser, but had paid his quota ; which the Abbe not 
 perceiving, he presented the hat a second time. Roses, as 
 was to be expected, said he had already paid. " I believe 
 it." answered Regnier, " though I did not see it." "And 
 I," added Fontenelle, who was beside him, "saw it, but I do 
 not believe it" 
 
 One day, Boswell trying to make a definition of man that 
 would distinguish him from all other animals, calls him "a 
 cooking animal. A man can dress a good dinner, and every 
 man is more or less a cook in seasoning what he himself eats."' 
 '•Tour definition,' 7 replied Burke, "is good; I now see 
 the full force of the common proverb, — There is reason in, the 
 roasting of eggs. 7 ' 
 
36 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 EDWARD GIBBON, ESQ., 
 
 Has an observation on the Beggar's Opera, which, 
 
 whether just or not, is new and ingenious. " It has," he said, 
 
 " had a beneficial effect in refining highwaymen, and making 
 
 them less ferocious, more polite ; in short, more like gentle- 
 
 JAMES BOSWELL— - EDMUND BURKE. 
 Boswell telling him that he had seen at the Blue-Stocking 
 Club a number of ladies sitting round a worthy and tall 
 friend of theirs (Johnson), and listening to his literature, 
 " Ay," said Burke, " like maids round a May-pole." 
 
 A LINE. 
 A felon, who was just on the point of being turned off, 
 asked the hangman if he had any message to the place where 
 he was going. " I will trouble you with a line" replied the 
 finisher of the law. 
 
 Barrymore happening to come late to the theatre, and 
 having to dress for his part, was driven to the last moment, 
 when, to heighten his perplexity, the key of his drawer was 
 missing. " Never mind," replied Banister, coolly, "if you 
 have swallowed the key, it will serve — to open your chest" 
 
 When Foote was at Salt-Hill, he dined at the Castle ; and 
 when Partridge produced the bill, which was rather exorbi- 
 tant, Foote asked him his name. "Partridge, an't please 
 you," said he. " Partridge ! " returned Foote, " it should be 
 Woodcock, by the length of your bill." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 37 
 
 LIBERALITY. 
 
 An Episcopalian lady at Alloa had a Presbyterian hus- 
 band, on -whose death she applied to her own clergyman to 
 have the burial service read over him. He refused to do so ; 
 which being reported to old Skinner, the poet, he remarked, 
 " Hoot, sic a stiff ass ! If it had been me, I wad hae said, 
 1 Ay, the mae the merrier.' " 
 
 An English nobleman being in company with a certain 
 minister of state, the latter was observing "there could be 
 nothing more ridiculous than the manner in which the council 
 of state assembled in some of the negro nations. In the 
 council-chamber are placed twelve large jars, half full of 
 water ; twelve councillors of state enter naked ; and, stalking 
 along w T ith great gravity, each leaps into his jar, and im- 
 merses himself up to his chin, and in this pretty attitude 
 they deliberate on national affairs." "You do not smile," 
 continued the minister of state to the noble lord who sat next 
 him. " Smile ! — no," answered his lordship. " I see every 
 day things more ridiculous than that." "Pray, what?" 
 returned the minister. "A country," replied the nobleman, 
 " where the jars alone sit in council." 
 
 Michael Angelo, in his picture of the last judgment in 
 the Pope's Chapel, painted among the figures in hell that 
 of a certain cardinal, who was his enemy, so like that every- 
 body knew it at first sight. The cardinal complained to 
 Pope Clement the Seventh, and desired that it might be 
 defaced. " I have power to deliver a soul out of purgatory : 
 but not out of hell" replied his Holiness. 
 4 
 
38 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 BIRMINGHAM TASTE. 
 When Handel's L' Allegro and II Penseroso were exhibited 
 at Birmingham, a few years ago, the following passage (as 
 Mr. Wharton says, "for obvious reasons") was more ap- 
 plauded than any in the whole performance : 
 
 " Such notes as warbled to the string 
 Drew iron tears down Pluto's cheek." 
 
 A person was boasting that he was sprung from a high 
 family in Ireland. "Yes," said a bystander. "I have seen 
 some of the same family so high that their feet could not 
 touch the ground." 
 
 An anecdote is told of a Jacobite gentleman, of the name 
 of Cochrane, who, being applied to for permission to take a 
 stone from his quarry, near Falkirk, to serve as a headstone 
 for Sir Robert Monro, of Foulis, answered, " Od, I'll gie ye 
 headstanes for them a', an' ye like;" meaning all Sir Rob- 
 ert's party. 
 
 ORIGIN OF THE TERM TONTINE. 
 The word Tontine is only a cant word, derived from the 
 name of an Italian projector. This was one Laurence Tonti, 
 a creature of Cardinal Mazarin, who, finding the people 
 extremely out of humor with his eminency's administration, 
 imagined he could reconcile them by a proposal of making 
 people rich in an instant, without trouble or pains. His 
 scheme was a lottery of annuities, with survivorship, which 
 he proposed in 1653, with the consent of the court ; but the 
 parliament would not register the edict. Three years after. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 39 
 
 he tried his project again, for building a stone bridge over the 
 Seine, when it had both the favor of the court and the sanc- 
 tion of parliament, under the title of Banque Royale, but it 
 failed again ; for. somebody having given it the unlucky name 
 of Tontine, nobody in Paris would trust his money in a lot- 
 tery that had an Italian title. The last attempt poor Tonti 
 made was to get his plan adopted by the clergy for the pay- 
 ment of their debts ; but, though they acknowledged the 
 ingenuity of it, they rejected it, as unfit for their purpose. 
 
 Such was the invention of the Tontine. We will now 
 show when it first came into use. When Louis XIV. was 
 distressed by the league of Augsburg, and granted money 
 beyond what the revenues of the kingdom would furnish, for 
 supplying his enormous expenses, he had recourse to the 
 plans of Tonti, which, though long laid aside, were not for- 
 gotten ; and, by an edict in 1689, created a Tontine Royale 
 of one million four hundred thousand livres annual rent, 
 divided into fourteen classes. The actions were three hundred 
 livres apiece, and the proprietors were to receive ten per cent., 
 with benefit of survivorship in every class. The scheme was 
 executed but very imperfectly ; for none of the classes rose to 
 above twenty-five thousand livres, instead of one hundred 
 thousand, according to the original institution, though the 
 annuities were very regularly paid. A few years after, the 
 people seeming in better humor for projects of this kind, 
 another Tontine was erected upon nearly the same terms ; but 
 this was never above half full. They both subsisted in the 
 year 1726, when the French king united the thirteenth class 
 of the first Tontine with the fourteenth of the second, all the 
 actions of which were possessed by Charlotte Bonnemay, 
 widow of Lewis Barbier, a surgeon of Paris, who died at the 
 age of ninety-six. This gentlewoman had ventured three 
 
40 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 hundred livres in each Tontine ; and in the last year of her 
 life she had for her annuity seventy-three thousand five hun- 
 dred livres, or about three thousand six hundred pounds a 
 year, for about thirty pounds. 
 
 EXTEMPORE PREACHING. 
 A low English pasquinading pamphlet upon the Scottish 
 nation, printed in the year 1701, says, " They are foes to all 
 copy-hold tenures in divinity, and will much rather preach 
 extempore nonsense than give sound sermons from notes. * 
 In the time of King James I., after his coming to England, 
 one of his own country thus accosted him : ' Sir,' said he, ' I 
 am sorry to see your majesty so dealt with by your prelatical 
 tantivies as you are. Alas ! they can neither preach nor pray 
 but by the beuk; if your majesty will please hear me, I'se 
 do baith without.' And so he did, till the king told him l he 
 preached and prayed as if he had never leuked in a beuk in 
 his whole life.' " 
 
 Dr. Johnson, being in company with Boswell, was 
 remarking that the Scotch, previous to the union, were little 
 better than savages, without the accommodations of civilized 
 life, when the following dialogue took place: Boswell. " We 
 had wine before the union." Johnson. "No, sir; you had 
 some weak stuff, the refuse of France, which would not make 
 you drunk." Boswell. " I assure you, sir, there was a great 
 deal of drunkenness." Johnson. "'No, sir; there were peo- 
 ple who died of dropsies, which they contracted in trying to 
 get. drunk." 
 
 * The pamphlet ends with the following couplet : 
 
 " The tilings that are abominated there 
 Are clean shirts, swine's flesh, and the common prayer." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 41 
 
 BATTLE OF PROVERBS. 
 The following anecdote is related of the Duke of Lau- 
 derdale: "This nobleman, when first minister of state, was 
 invited to dinner by the then Lord Chancellor [probably 
 Rothes], and as splendidly entertained as the poverty of the 
 country w r ould permit. At taking leave, says he, ' My lord, 
 I 'se con you muckle thanks for your generous and noble 
 treat, which puts me in mind of a proverb we have in use 
 amongst us, namely, That feuls make feasts, and wise men 
 eat them. The other, loth to be outdone in point of civility, 
 replied, ' You say very true, my lord ; and it is as true that 
 wise men make proverbs, and feuls repeat them. 7 " 
 
 LOUIS XVI. 
 On the day that this prince, with his family, was brought 
 back from Varennesj it is asserted that from Strasburgh to 
 Paris there were more than five hundred thousand persons 
 under arms. The king, on this occasion, taking a part in the 
 extraordinary spectacle, smiled on the people, and, with much 
 ingenuousness, said, ""Well, here I am! " 
 
 THE FAITHFUL SLAVE. 
 
 "When Capt. Payne had fallen on the deck of his vessel, 
 by the severe wound he received, his waiting-man, who was 
 passionately attached to him, started up, and, seizing a pike, 
 exclaimed, " You have killed my master, and I will revenge 
 him!" and instantly ran the British lieutenant of marines 
 through the body. He then leaped overboard, and, amid a 
 shower of shot, swam safe and triumphant to the American 
 shore. 
 
 4* 
 
42 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 M. ADAM, 
 
 An advocate of Toulouse, usually composed the speeches 
 which were to be delivered by the president. It happened 
 that, during the absence of the advocate, an occasional speech 
 was required, which the president composed as well as he 
 could. When he was delivering it, a counsellor, who observed 
 him embarrassed, cited these words from Genesis: "Adam, 
 iibi es ? " — " Adam, where art thou? " 
 
 PRINCESS OF CONTI. 
 This princess (daughter of Louis XIV.), speaking to the 
 ambassador of Morocco, expressed her disapprobation of the 
 plurality of wives allowed by Mahomet. "We should only 
 require one each," replied the courteous ambassador, " if they 
 were all like your highness." 
 
 MADAME DE STAEL. 
 
 At the time that Madame de Stael was writing " Memoirs 
 of her Life," a friend asked her how she should depict herself 
 w r hen she came to that part of her life where adventures of 
 gallantry formed so conspicuous a part. " ! " said she, " I 
 shall represent myself only as a bust." 
 
 APOLOGIES FOR SHABBINESS. 
 
 A respectable public functionary in Dundee, of parsimo- 
 nious habits, w T as one day rallied by a friend from the country 
 upon the extreme shabbiness of his attire. "Hoot, man," 
 answered the baillie, "its nae matter; everybody kens me 
 here; " meaning that, his character being perfectly known in 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 43 
 
 the place, it was quite unnecessary that he should fortify his 
 pretensions by fine clothes. It happened that the same friend 
 met him afterwards in the streets of London, and, finding 
 his clothes no better, expressed still greater surprise than 
 before, adding that surely his former excuse would not now 
 avail him. "Hoot, man," answered the pertinacious miser, 
 u naebody kens me here ! " 
 
 A JACOBITE EPIGRAM. 
 
 It was formerly a custom of the magistrates of Edinburgh, 
 on the king's birth-day, to erect a stage, or theatre as it was 
 called, at the Cross, upon which they assembled, and in sol- 
 emn style drank his majesty's health. During the perform-, 
 ance of this ceremony, in the year 1748, it happened that 
 there came on a dreadful thunder-storm, which compelled the 
 company to make a hasty retreat into one of the neighboring 
 houses, where they remained till the air again became clear. 
 On their returning to complete the interrupted solemnity, it 
 was found that the rain, in their absence, had dabbled all the 
 wine out of their glasses, leaving only water behind. Upon 
 this incident a Jacobite wrote an epigram, the first stanza of 
 which recounted the miracle of the water converted into wine 
 at the marriage of Cana. and the second proceeded thus : 
 
 "But when, to drink great Brunswick's health, 
 Our tribunes mounted le theatre, 
 Heaven would not countenance their mirth, 
 But turned their claret into water." 
 
 The settled aversion Dr. Johnson felt towards an infidel 
 he expressed to all ranks and at all times, without the small- 
 
44 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 est reserve; for, though on common occasions he paid the 
 greatest deference to birth or title, yet his regard for truth 
 and virtue never gave way to meaner considerations. We 
 talked of a dead wit one evening, and somebody praised him. 
 " Let us never," said he, "praise talents ill-employed, sir. 
 We foul our mouths by commending such infidels." " Allow 
 him the lumieres, at least," entreated one of the company. 
 "I do allow him, sir, just enough to light him to hell," was 
 the reply. 
 
 COCK-CROWING. 
 
 Danas, Bishop of Laveur, who assisted at the Council of 
 Trent, having prescribed in one of his discourses rules for the 
 conduct of the Sovereign Pontiff, a cardinal interrupted the 
 bishop by saying " G alius cantatP Danas answered im- 
 mediately, "Ultinam ad Galli cantum petras resissceret" 
 and continued his discourse. 
 
 HAPPY RETORT. 
 A Florentine ignoramus was ridiculing Magliabechi on 
 his great age : the learned man replied, "An ass is older at 
 twenty than a man at sixty years." 
 
 A beggar, one day, said to the Emperor Maximilian, 
 " We are all children of the same Father," as an incitement to 
 bestow an alms. The emperor gave him a trifle. " This is a 
 very little for a monarch," said the beggar. " True," replied 
 the emperor, "but if every one of your brothers gave you as 
 much, you would be richer than I." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 45 
 
 A certain preacher having changed his religion, was 
 much blamed by his friends for having deserted them. To 
 excuse himself, he said he had seven reasons ; and, being asked 
 what they were, replied, "A wife and six children." 
 
 A Broadway fop asked a friend what apology he should 
 make for not being one at the party the day before, to which 
 he had a card of invitation. " 0, my dear sir," replied the 
 wit, " say nothing about it ; you were never missed." 
 
 When the Persian ambassador was in England, he was 
 paid a handsome compliment by Captain Topham. As he 
 was showing the many wounds he had received in the wars 
 against the Turks, the captain said that his excellency's skin 
 would sell for little or nothing, it had so many holes in it. 
 
 A gentleman dining with a friend, observing the top dish 
 of fish was not quite so fresh as might have been wished, took 
 one, and put it to his mouth and then to his ear. The lady of 
 the house having asked him the reason, he answered, " I had 
 a brother who was shipwrecked the day before yesterday ; so 
 I was asking if the fish could give information concerning his 
 body, to which it replied it knew nothing of the transaction, 
 not having been at sea these three weeks." 
 
 Parents who are ignorant of their duty will be taught, 
 by the misconduct of their children, what they ought to have 
 done. 
 
46 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 CASTING EEFLECTIONS. 
 
 In the late Professor Hill's class, the gilded buttons of one 
 of the students happened to reflect the rays of the sun upon 
 the professor's face, who, as may be supposed, ordered the 
 gentleman to give over throwing reflections on him. The 
 student, totally ignorant of the matter, with the utmost sim- 
 plicity said, "That he would be the last in the class who 
 would cast reflections on the professor." 
 
 Lee Lewis shooting in a field, the proprietor attacked him 
 violently : "I allow no person to kill game on my manor, but 
 myself; and I'll shoot you, if you come here again." 
 "What!" said the other, "I suppose you mean to make 
 game of me." 
 
 A man without modesty is lost to all sense of honor and 
 virtue. 
 
 A great chance in life is like a cold bath in winter, — we 
 all hesitate at the first plunge. 
 
 The best government is that in which the law speaks 
 instead of the lawyer. 
 
 Vice can never know itself and virtue ; but virtue knows 
 both itself and vice. 
 
 Moderation is commonly firm, and firmness is commonly 
 successful. 
 
 We hope to grow old, and yet we fear old age ; that is, we 
 are willing to live, and afraid to die. 
 
 Absence diminishes moderate passions, and increases great 
 ones, as the wind extinguishes tapers and adds fury to fire. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 47 
 
 THE SHEPHERD AT SEA. 
 
 WITH RELIGIOUS REFLECTIONS. 
 
 On a summer's evening a shepherd, from a little emi- 
 nence, beheld the adjacent sea ; the winds were hushed, the 
 waves had lost their motion ; at a little distance he perceived 
 boats and vessels, which seemed in perfect security to sport 
 upon the surface. Struck with the beauty and novelty of the 
 appearance, he forgot the pleasures of a rural life, forgot all 
 he had heard of the dangerous and deceitful ocean ; he 
 exchanged his flock for merchandise, and embarked before he 
 repented his rashness. A sudden storm arose ; the sea, no 
 longer serene, but like a tiger roused from sleep, assumed the 
 appearance of an enraged enemy, and threatened him with 
 death in every wave. In fine, he lost his bark, he lost his 
 goods ; and it was beyond his hopes that, half drowned and 
 fainting, he himself escaped alive to land. He became wise by 
 his misfortune, and gladly returned to the life of a shepherd. 
 The next time he saw the sea, it was again smooth and silent 
 as at first ; but he beheld it unmoved. " It is in vain," says 
 he, " to think to deceive me again ; I have no mind to suffer 
 a second shipwreck." 
 
 THE WATCHMAN. 
 
 Some soldiers once fell upon a watchman in a small town 
 in Ireland, in a lonely street, and took away his money and 
 coat. He immediately repaired to the captain of the regi- 
 ment, to complain of his misfortune. The captain asked him 
 whether he had on the waistcoat he then wore when he was 
 robbed by the soldiers. " Yes, sir," replied the poor fellow. 
 " Then, my friend," rejoined the captain, " I can assure you 
 they do not belong to my company ; otherwise they would 
 have left you neither waistcoat nor shirt." 
 
48 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A dispute arising relative to the best mode of dressing a 
 beef-steak, the controversy was determined by one of the 
 disputants giving Shakspeare as an authority. " If when 
 'twere done, 'twere well done, then 'twere well it were 
 done quickly" 
 
 The Marquis de Grance, returning from the army ex- 
 tremely dirty, immediately repaired to court. The lords in 
 waiting observed that he had the appearance of a groom. 
 " Acknowledged," said the marquis, " and I shall curry 
 your hides instantly." 
 
 An epicure requested his landlord to get him a spare rib. 
 The innkeeper declared he had none, saving one, and that was 
 a very crooked rib, which he should be glad enough to spare 
 
 As a boy was leading a calf with both hands, a nobleman 
 happened to pass by upon the high- way ; the boy, it seems, 
 minded the calf more than the lord, and went drudging on, 
 without moving his hat. " Why, sirrah," says the nobleman, 
 " have you no more manners than to stand staring me in the 
 face, with your hat on ? " " Alas," says the boy, " I '11 put 
 off my hat with all my heart, if your lordship will but alight, 
 and hold my calf in the mean time." 
 
 A FOP, introducing his friend, a plain man, into company, 
 said, " Gentlemen, I'll assure you he is not so great a fool as 
 he seems." "No," replied the gentleman, " that's the dif- 
 ference between me and my friend." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 49 
 
 POWERS OF A PAINTER. 
 One day the Duke of Tuscany was amusing himself in 
 seeing Cortone painting, who was representing a child crying. 
 "I'll soon make him change his note," cried out the painter. 
 He then gave a touch of his pencil, and the same child 
 appeared laughing ; again, by another stroke of the pencil, he 
 represented him in his former state. "Thus, prince," said 
 the artist, "you see how easy it is to make children either 
 laugh or cry." 
 
 SELF-EXAMINATION. 
 
 Johnson, when about sixty-nine years of age, in order to 
 ascertain whether his mental powers were impaired, deter- 
 mined to try to learn a new language, and fixed upon the low 
 Dutch. Finding he learned it with facility, he desisted, 
 thinking the experiment had been sufficiently tried. Mr. 
 Burke's ready discernment perceived, instantaneously, that 
 it was not a fair trial, as the low Dutch is a language so 
 near our own. Had it been one of the languages entirely 
 different, he might, he said, be soon satisfied. 
 
 IRISH GENTLEMAN AND MARK SUPPLE. 
 
 "I have lost my appetite," said a gigantic Irish gentle- 
 man, and an eminent performer on the trencher, to Mark 
 Supple. "I hope," said Supple, "no poor man has found 
 it, for it would ruin him in a week." 
 
 In a single century, four thousand millions of human 
 beings appear on the face of the earth, act their busy parts, 
 and sink into its peaceful bosom. 
 
50 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 DEAF AND DUMB. 
 
 The late Countess of Kenmore, who was a devout Catholic, 
 passing one day, from her devotions at a chapel in Dublin, 
 through a lane of beggars, who are there certainly the best 
 actors in Europe in the display of counterfeit misery, her 
 ladyship's notice was particularly attracted by one fellow 
 apparently more wretched than all the rest, and she asked 
 him, "Pray, my good man, what's the matter with you?" 
 The fellow, who well knew her simplicity and benevolence, 
 answered, "0, my lady, I'm deaf and dumb" "Poor 
 man," replied the innocent lady, " how long have you been 
 so?" "Ever since I had thefavo?*, last Christmas." The 
 lady presented him with a half-crown, and went away piously 
 commiserating his misfortunes. 
 
 AN EDITOR'S LEAVE-TAKING. 
 
 " The undersigned retires from the editorial chair with 
 complete conviction that all is vanity. From the hour he 
 started his paper to the present time, he has been solicited to 
 lie upon every given subject, and can't remember ever having 
 told a wholesome truth without diminishing his subscription 
 list or making an enemy. Under these circumstances of 
 trial, and having a thorough contempt for himself, he retires, 
 in order to recruit his moral constitution." 
 
 " Come here, you mischievous fellow." " Won't you whip 
 me, father?" "No." "Will you swear you won't?" 
 "Yes." "Then I won't come, father; for Parson Alwood 
 says, 'He that will swear will lie.' 
 
 ? ?? 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 51 
 
 EXCEPTIO FORMAT EEGULAM. 
 
 Soon after the publication of Mr. Home's ** History of the 
 Rebellion of 1745," a clergyman in Roxburghshire, who had 
 read the book, happened to mention, at a presbytery dinner, 
 that the author gave a very amusing account of the conduct 
 of the volunteers who took arms for the defence of Edinburgh 
 against Prince Charles' approaching army, none of whom, 
 when the hour of danger arrived, could be prevailed upon by 
 their officer to stir a step. Mr. Patten, the minister of 
 Crailing, here interrupted his brother, with good-humored 
 warmth, — " Home,*' said he, " does not play us fair there ; 
 I can attest that I was one of seven who marched to the 
 TF 'est Port!" 
 
 HOX. JOHX FORBES. 
 
 Admiral Forbes was remarkable, above all other men, 
 for his extensive and universal knowledge. His meritorious 
 deeds, detailed, would fill a volume. One or two anecdotes 
 we shall give of him, a just tribute to the memory of departed 
 greatness. When the warrant for executing Admiral Byng 
 was offered for signature at the admiralty board, Admiral 
 Forbes refused to sign it, at the same time humbly laying at 
 his majesty's feet his objections. 
 
 A tar half seas over, swaggering into an auction-room. 
 and hearing the auctioneer bawling out two or three times, 
 11 Who bids more than ninepence half-penny 7 " asked, :: May 
 we bid what we please?' 3 "0, yes," replied the seller, 
 •'•anything you please, sir,'*' "Why then," said Jack, - ; I 
 bid you a good-night, and be hanged to you ! " 
 
52 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A DOUBLE BULL. 
 
 Two gentlemen passing a blackberry-bush when the fruit 
 was unripe, one said it was ridiculous to call them black ber- 
 ries, when they were red. " Don't you know," said his friend, 
 " that blackberries are always red when they are green ? " 
 
 Piovano Arlotto, a famous Italian priest, and a great 
 traveller, being on the point of embarking on a voyage, was 
 solicited by several of his friends to purchase a variety of 
 things for them in the country he was going to visit. The 
 curate received all their commissions with great politeness, 
 put the memorandum in his pocket-book very carefully, and 
 promised to oblige every friend. At his return, they all 
 crowded round him to receive their purchases ; but, to their 
 surprise, he had executed but one single commission. This 
 partiality affronting all the rest, he made his apology in the 
 following speech : "Gentlemen, when I set sail I laid all your 
 memorandums on the gallery of the ship, to peruse them, that 
 I might put them in order to be executed regularly ; when 
 suddenly a squall arose, which blew them overboard, and it 
 was impossible for me to remember their divers contents." 
 
 " However," replied one of them, " you have brought Mr. 
 
 his silks." "Very true," says Piovano; "but the reason is 
 that he enclosed in his memorandum a number of ducats^ 
 the weight of which prevented it from being carried away by 
 the wind with yours." 
 
 " Grammar-class, come up. How is grammar divided ? " 
 " Why, grammar is divided into Ornithology, Etymology, 
 Swintax and Mahogany." 
 
0XE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 53 
 
 A PUN WHISTLED. 
 A YOUNG Scotchman visiting London with his father, and 
 being much given ^o punning, his father often reproved him 
 for it. and expressed a wish that he would endeavor to leave 
 it off entirely, and. if possible, display a little genuine wit 
 One day. taking a walk together, they passed Newgate, 
 where a man was confined in the stocks, with his head firmly 
 jammed in between two ponderous blocks of wood. An 
 excellent pun. strictly in point, instantly occurred to the 
 young man ; but, his father being present, he durst not come 
 out with it ; so he contented himself with whistling the tune 
 of * ; Through the wood. Laddie." 
 
 TThex Dr. Johnson had completed his dictionary, Millar, 
 the bookseller, and principal proprietor of the work, could not 
 help expressing his joy upon the occasion in terms somewhat 
 intemperate, as appears by the following acknowledgment of 
 the receipt of the last sheet of the manuscript: " Andrew 
 Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with 
 the money for the last sheet of the copy of the dictionary, and 
 thanks God he has done with him." To which Johnson 
 returned this good-humored answer: "Samuel Johnson 
 returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very 
 glad to find (as he does by his note) that Andrew Millar has 
 the grace to thank God for anything." 
 
 Lucas de Keek, an Italian painter, resided in England, in 
 the reign of Elizabeth. He was ordered by that princess to 
 characterize the English in respect to their dress. He drew 
 a man naked ; on the ground before him lay various pieces 
 
54 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 of cloth scattered about of divers colors ; in his hand he held 
 a pair of shears ; from his mouth a label was pendent, on 
 which these words were inscribed : 
 
 *' I am an Englishman, and naked I stand here, 
 Musing in my mind what garment I shall wear. ' ' 
 
 The queen was delighted with the performance, commended 
 his wit, and liberally rewarded him. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF CHUECHILL. 
 
 When Churchill finished his Rosciad, he waited on a well- 
 known publisher with a copy, who was at that time busily 
 employed in a work that made much noise in the world. The 
 bookseller suffered so severely by the publication of poetry, 
 that he was determined to have nothing more to do w T ith the 
 rhyming pupils of Apollo, unless the author would make 
 such a deposit as would secure him from any loss. This 
 Churchill would not comply with. 
 
 The bookseller recommended a worthy young man to him, 
 who had just ventured his little fortune in the uncertain sea 
 of ink, and would probably run the hazard of the publication. 
 Churchill waited on him, and found everything to his w r ish. 
 
 The publication was advertised, and five days elapsed before 
 five copies were sold. 
 
 Churchill w T as thunderstruck ; the bookseller was little 
 less. At the end of four days more he called again, and 
 found six copies had gone off ! The poet, conscious of the 
 merit of his poem, was almost frantic, and hurried to a friend 
 to acquaint him with his hard fortune. His friend, who was 
 intimate with Garrick, posted to him in the morning, and 
 informed him what a beautiful picture of his astonishing abil- 
 
OXE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 55 
 
 ities there was exhibited in the Rosciad. Garrick swallowed 
 the gilded pill instantly, sent for the poem, read it, and 
 sounded its praises wherever he visited that day. The next 
 evening the publisher had not a single copy left ; and in a 
 few weeks so many editions went off, that Churchill found 
 himself richer than any poet whose estate lay at that time in 
 Parnassus. 
 
 A countryman popped his head into a lottery-office, and 
 seeing only one man sitting at the desk, asked him what he 
 had for sale. To which the would-be wit replied, " Logger- 
 heads.'' " Then, sir,'' says the countryman, " your trade is 
 almost at an end, for I see you have but one left." 
 
 An Irish gentleman being visited by a friend of his, was 
 found a good deal ruffled : and, being asked the reason of it, 
 said he had lost a new pair of black silk stockings out of his 
 room, which cost him eighteen shillings, — but that he hoped 
 he should get them again, for he ordered them to be cried, 
 and offered a half-crown reward. His friend observed that 
 the reward was too little for such valuable stockings. " Pho," 
 said the Irishman, "I ordered the crier to say they were 
 worsted." 
 
 In a new-raised corps, a soldier lately observed to his com- 
 rade, who was an Irishman, that a corporal was to be dismissed 
 from the regiment. " Faith, and indeed,' 3 replied the Irish- 
 man, " I hope it is the corporal who is so troublesome in 
 our company." "What is his name?" replied the other. 
 " Why, arrah, dear honey, it is Corporal Punishment, to 
 be sure." 
 
56 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 CAUTIOUS PLEADING. 
 
 An Irishman, at an assize in Cork, being arraigned for 
 felony before Judge Monteney, was asked by whom he would 
 be tried. " By no one/' says he. The jailer desired him to 
 say, By God and his country. " I '11 not do it," says Paddy, 
 " for I don't like it at all at all. my dear." " What 's that 
 you say, honest man?" said the judge. " See there, now," 
 says the criminal; " his lordship, long life to him ! calls me 
 an honest man, and why should I plead guilty ? " u What do 
 you say ? " replied the judge, in an authoritative voice. " I 
 say, my lord, I won't be tried by God, at all, for he knows 
 all about the matter ; but I will be tried by your lordship and 
 my country." 
 
 A certain lawyer had been laboring for his client in a 
 long-winded speech, but the verdict was found against him. 
 " Zounds!" exclaimed he, "I believe the jury have been 
 inoculated for stupidity.''' " That may be," said his oppo- 
 nent ; " but you, Mr.. Sergeant, seem to have had it the nat- 
 ural wayP 
 
 Sir George Saville was remarkably fond of sailing, 
 and, pursuing his favorite amusement on the Humber, with 
 an old fisherman, the vessel admitted a great quantity of 
 water. Sir George, turning to the old man with great com- 
 posure, asked him how much more water the boat would 
 hold, before she would sink. " Half a bucket-full, an' 
 please you, Sir George; " on which the sails were unfurled, 
 and they came safe on shore. The old man being asked why 
 he did not sooner apprize Sir George of his danger, replied, 
 "Why, marry, I 'so an auld man, and thought I could not 
 die in better company." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 57 
 
 THE AUCTION. 
 
 an auction at Cork, the following lots were put up for 
 sale : One pewter and three flint wigs : a bell-metal chaff 
 -■-■?, and a calimanco hog-trough ; a buckskin warming-pan, 
 and a pewter looking-glass ; a japan cleaving beetle, a leather 
 mattock, three silk hog's yokes, and a pinchbeck swill-tub ; 
 four sheep-skin milk-pails, a lamb-skin grindstone, a canvass 
 gridiron, a dimity coal-scuttle, a wooden timber-chain, and a 
 brass cart-rope. 
 
 SERGEANT DAYY. 
 
 An Irish gentleman once appeared in the Court of King' 3 
 Bench as surety for a friend in the sum of three thousand 
 pounds. Sergeant Davy, though he well knew the responsi- 
 bility of the gentleman, could not help his customary imper- 
 tinence. " Well, sir, how do you make yourself to be worth 
 three thousand pounds'?" The gentleman very deliberately 
 specified the particulars up to two thousand nine hundred and 
 forty pounds. "Ay," said Davy, "that is not enough by 
 six::,"' "For that sum, 77 replied the other, " I have a note 
 of hand of one Sergeant Davy, and I hope he will have the 
 honesty soon to discharge it. 77 This set the court in a roar. 
 The sergeant was for once abashed ; and Lord Mansfield 
 said, "Well, brother, I think we may accept the bail. 77 
 
 An Episcopal German prince, in the hearing of an honest 
 peasant, swore so bitterly that the honest rustic could not 
 forbear muttering that " he thought it not proper in a Chris- 
 tian bishop. 77 • You are wrong, good man, 77 said the other; 
 " I swear not as a bishop, but as a prince.'' ;> Very well,' 7 
 
58 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 said the peasant, "but when the devil takes the prince for 
 swearing, what will become of the bishop ? " 
 
 ADRIAN BROWER, 
 
 The most eminent of the Dutch painters, in the sphere of 
 broad humor, was actually taken by Frank Hals from begging 
 in the streets, and instructed by him. His pieces are inimi- 
 table in their way, representing his pot companions in the 
 act of drinking, smoking tobacco, gaming, fighting, &c, per- 
 formed with so delicate and free a pencil, so much of nature 
 in his expression, such elegant drawing in the respective 
 parts, and such good keeping in the whole altogether, that he 
 is deemed superior in the humorous line. He was pleasant 
 facetious and witty, in his cups, and was a strong advocate 
 for a short life and a merry one. Resolving to proceed post- 
 haste to his grave, by the help of brandy he arrived at his 
 journey's end when he was only thirty years of age. On his 
 death-bed he asked for a goblet of water, which he drank, 
 saying, "We must reconcile ourselves to our enemies, when 
 we are dying." 
 
 ANECDOTE OF ALEXANDER THE GREAT. 
 
 The city of Sidon having surrendered to Alexander, he 
 ordered Hephsestion to bestow the crown on him whom the 
 Sidonians should think most worthy of that honor. Hephses- 
 tion being at that time resident with two young men of dis- 
 tinction, offered them the kingdom ; but they refused it, tell- 
 ing him that it was contrary to the laws of their country to 
 admit any one to that honor who was not of the royal family. 
 He then, having expressed his admiration of their disinter- 
 ested spirit, desired them to name one of the royal race, who 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 59 
 
 might remember that be received the crown through their 
 hands. Overlooking many who would have been ambitious 
 of this high honor, they made choice of Abdolonymus, whose 
 singular merit had rendered him conspicuous even in the vale 
 of obscurity. Though remotely related to the royal family, a 
 series of misfortunes had reduced him to the necessity of cul- 
 tivating a garden, for a small stipend, in the suburbs of the 
 city. 
 
 While Abdolonymus was busily employed in weeding his 
 garden, the two friends of Hephsestion, bearing in their hands 
 the ensigns of royalty, approached and saluted him king, 
 informing him that Alexander had appointed him to that 
 office, and requiring him immediately to exchange his rustic 
 garb and utensils of husbandry for the regal robe and 
 sceptre. At the same time, they urged him, when he should 
 be seated on the throne, and have a nation in his power, not 
 to forget the humble condition from which he had been 
 raised. 
 
 All this, at the first, appeared to Abdolonymus as an illu- 
 sion of the fancy, or an insult offered to his poverty. He 
 requested them not to trouble him further with their imperti- 
 nent jests, and to find some other way of amusing themselves, 
 which might leave him in the peaceable enjoyment of his 
 obscure habitation. At length, however, they convinced him 
 that they were serious in their proposal, and prevailed upon 
 him to accept the regal office, and accompany them to the 
 palace. 
 
 X o sooner was he in possession of the government, than 
 pride and envy created him enemies, who whispered their 
 murmurs in every place, till at last they reached the ear of 
 Alexander, who, commanding the new-elected prince to be 
 sent for, required of him with what temper of mind he had 
 
60 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 borne his poverty. " Would to Heaven," replied Abdolony- 
 mus, " that I may be able to bear my crown with equal mod- 
 eration ; for, when I possessed little, I wanted nothing. 
 These hands supplied me with whatever I desired." From 
 this answer Alexander formed so high an idea of his wisdom, 
 that he confirmed the choice w T hich had been made, and 
 annexed a neighboring province to the government of Sidon. - 
 
 MASS AND MESS. 
 
 Fontenelle had a brother, an abbot. A gentleman asked 
 him, one day, "What is your brother doing?" "My 
 brother ? " said he ; " he is a priest." " Has he a living? " 
 " No." " How does he employ himself? " "He says mass 
 in the morning." " And in the evening ? " "In the even- 
 ing," rejoins Fontenelle, " he don't know what he says." 
 
 POLITICAL PRUDENCE. 
 
 About the commencement of the rebellion of 1745, a man 
 being asked by his friend what side he intended to espouse in 
 the troubles that w r ere about to ensue, answered, " Faith, I 
 shall take the side that the gallows is to be on." 
 
 As a number of convicts w r ere passing from Newgate, 
 handcuffed, two and two, sentenced to be shipped from Eng- 
 land to America, the procession advanced w r ith great jollity, 
 with fifes before them, playing " Through the Wood, Lad- 
 die." A gentleman, who w 7 as spectator, could not help 
 exclaiming, "Heavens! how can these poor wretches be so 
 joyous, on such an occasion ? " One of the convicts over- 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 61 
 
 hearing him, replied, "Joyous? — Ay, so we are, master; and 
 if you will but come with us, you will be quite transported" 
 
 HIGHLAND THIEVES. 
 Dugald M'Caul was a professed thief in the Highlands, 
 and sometimes took young lads into his service as apprentices 
 to the same business. "With one of these hopeful youths, 
 who had recently engaged with him, he agreed one night to 
 proceed upon an excursion, the apprentice to steal a wedder, 
 and Dugald himself to steal kail. It was also agreed that 
 
 o o 
 
 they should, after being in possession of their booty, meet in 
 the kirk-yard, where they were pretty sure of not being 
 molested, as it got the name of being haunted by a ghost. 
 Dugald, as may well be supposed, arrived first at the place 
 of rendezvous, and, sitting on a grave-stone, amused himself 
 with eating kail-custocks until the apprentice should arrive 
 with the wedder. In a neighboring farm-house a cripple 
 tailor happened to be at work : and the conversation having 
 turned upon the story of the kirk-yard being haunted, the 
 tailor boldly censured some young men present for not hav- 
 ing the courage to go and speak to the supposed apparition, 
 adding, that if he had the use of his limbs, he would have 
 no hesitation in doing it himself. One of the young men, 
 nettled at the tailor's remarks, proposed taking the tailor on 
 his back to the kirk-yard ; and, as the tailor could not well 
 recede from what he had said, off they went. The moment 
 they entered the kirk-yard, Dugald M'Caul saw them; and, 
 thinking it was the apprentice with a wedder on his back, he 
 said, in a low tone of voice, as they approached him, " Is he 
 fat? " " Whether he be fat or lean," cried the young man, 
 "there he is to you!" and, throwing down the tailor, ran 
 6 
 
62 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 off as hard as he could. To his utter astonishment, he found 
 the tailor close at his heels, on entering the farm-house, — 
 intense fear having supplied him with the long-lost use of his 
 limbs, which it is said he retained ever after. 
 
 MUTATIS MUTANDIS. 
 
 An elderly fat gentleman, in discussing a warm beef-steak 
 at a Highland inn, called to the waiting-boy, " Donald, bring 
 me more bread, for I eat a great deal of bread to my 
 steak." Donald answered, with much modest simplicity, 
 "Ay, and please your honor, and ye eat a great deal of 
 steak to your bread." 
 
 HUGO ARNOT. 
 
 Hugo Arnot one day, while panting with asthma, was 
 almost deafened by the noise of a brawling fellow who was 
 selling oysters below his window. "The extravagant ras- 
 cal!" said Hugo, " he has wasted as much breath as would 
 have served me for a month." 
 
 An unprincipled debtor being informed by his friend that 
 one of his creditors wished to receive the interest, as he 
 could not obtain the principal^ he replied, with more wit. 
 than honesty : " It is not my interest to pay the principal, 
 nor my principle to pay the interest" 
 
 An ordinary domestic clock having unfortunately run 
 down, it was observed that it had come to an untimely end ! 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 63 
 
 AUTHORITY. 
 
 The following anecdote proves how much presence of mind 
 in a man in office is necessary to check the insults of author- 
 ity. One day, the Duke of Orleans, tired with the reiterated 
 remonstrances made in relation to his arrangements about the 
 mint, gave the magistrate who had been speaking to him this 
 brutal answer. " Go, and be d d ! " The magistrate, with- 
 out being disconcerted, replied, " Does your Highness com- 
 mand that this answer should be registered ? " The prince, 
 whom, this gravity brought to himself, changed his language, 
 and expressed himself with the dignity that became him. 
 
 MAGNANIMITY. 
 
 The Chevalier de Menilles, being implicated in the con- 
 spiracy against the Duke of Orleans, was thrown into prison. 
 The allegation against him w r as, the not having betrayed those 
 who had intrusted him with the secret. A Marquis of Me- 
 nilles, of another family, went to the Duke of Orleans, to 
 assure him that the chevalier was neither a relation nor friend 
 of his. " So much the worse for you," replied the regent; 
 " the Chevalier cle Menilles is a very gallant gentleman." 
 
 EDMUND BURKE. 
 
 Mr. Burke was about five feet ten inches high, well-made, 
 and muscular ; of that firm and compact frame that denotes 
 more strength than bulk. His countenance had, in his 
 youth, been handsome. The expression of his face was less 
 striking than one who had not seen him would have antici- 
 pated. 
 
64 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 CRIMES AND PUNISHMENTS. 
 
 The Bishop of Avranches discoursing with the Archbishop 
 of Cambray on the subject of the code of criminal laws in 
 France, approved, in contradiction to the archbishop, of the 
 number of executions for capital offences. " I maintain," 
 said he, " that such criminals are not fit to live." " But, my 
 friend," replied Fenelon, "you do not reflect that they are 
 still less fit to die." 
 
 When Voltaire's tragedy of Algira was first performed, in 
 1716, it was reported by many persons that it was not the 
 work of Voltaire. " I hope the report is true," observed a 
 wit. "Why?" asked another. "Because," replied the 
 former, " w T e shall then have two good poets, instead of one." 
 
 Col. Bodens, who was very fat, being accosted, by a man 
 to whom he owed money, with a "how d'ye?" answered, 
 "Pretty well, I thank you; you find I hold my own." 
 "Yes, sir," rejoined the man, "and mine, too, to my sor- 
 row." 
 
 A boy who in term-time picked a pocket fled inside 
 the bar for protection. He was asked the reason of this 
 strange conduct, and replied that " in the multitude of coun- 
 sellors there is safety." 
 
 During the census in this city, an ancient dame returned 
 herself as a " Congregational Decanter" — meaning, in cor- 
 rect language, "dissenter." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES 65 
 
 DEAN SWIFT. 
 
 Dean Swift was one day in company, when the conversa- 
 tion fell upon the antiquity of the family. The lady of the 
 house expatiated a little too freely on her descent, observing 
 that her ancestors' names began with De, and, of course, of 
 ancient French extraction. When she had finished, "And 
 now," said the Dean, " you will be so kind as to help me to 
 a piece of that D'umpiing." 
 
 THE HUSBAND'S FEAK. 
 
 An Irishman, who had often experienced his wife's ill- 
 humor, opposed her with no other weapon but silence. Where- 
 upon a friend told him, "It is easily seen you are afraid of 
 your wife." " It is not she that I am afraid of," replied the 
 husband ; " it is the noise." 
 
 An old Chevalier de Maltha, of ancient noblesse, but in 
 low circumstances, was in a coffee-house at Paris, where was 
 Julien, the great manufacturer at the Gobelins of the fine 
 tapestry, so much distinguished both for the figures and col- 
 ors. The chevalier's carriage was very old. Says Julien, 
 with a plebeian insolence, " I think, sir, you had better have 
 your carriage new painted." "Well, sir, you may take it 
 home and dye it." All the coffee-house rejoiced at Julien's 
 confusion. 
 
 In a certain court of justice in Vermont, a sheriff, or crier, 
 was ordered to call the defendant, or the cause would proceed 
 ex parte. Not understanding the meaning of the words ex 
 parte, he declared that it would proceed the next fair day. 
 
 6* 
 
66 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 IRISHMAN AND TEA-KETTLE. 
 
 The servant of a naval commander, an Irishman, one day 
 let a tea-kettle fall into the sea, upon which he ran to his 
 master, " Arrah, an' plase your honor, can anything be said 
 to be lost, when you know where it is ? " " Certainly not," 
 replied the officer. " Why, then, by my soul and St. Pat- 
 rick, your tea-kettle is safe, for it is at the bottom of the 
 sea." 
 
 DARKNESS visible. 
 
 An Irishman, being at a town in the west of England on 
 a winter night, observed to an inhabitant, rather shrewdly, 
 " One thing is clear, that your town is very dark" 
 
 ELOQUENCE. 
 
 Mr. Burke's colleague for Bristol, it would appear, was 
 not remarkable as an orator. It is reported that, after Mr. 
 Burke had delivered one of his best speeches at Bristol, 
 Cruger rose up, and exclaimed, "I say ditto to Mr. Burke; 
 I say ditto to Mr. Burke." 
 
 JAMES CHARLES FOX. 
 
 Mr. Fox (afterwards Lord Holland) made it a rule, in 
 the tuition of his children, to follow and regulate, but not 
 restrain, nature. At table, Charles, when a boy, was per- 
 mitted to enter into the conversation of men, and acquitted 
 himself to the astonishment of all present. Perhaps the 
 early habit of thinking with freedom, and speaking with read- 
 iness, may have contributed to that prompt exertion of his 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTE-. G7 
 
 great talents which makes a considerable part of his senato- 
 rial excellence. When Mr. Fox waa Secretary of State, 
 young Charles used to read his despatches; and when not 
 ten years of age, one day told his father that a paper, which 
 he had just read, was too feeble, and threw it into the fire. 
 The secretary made out another copy, without the slightest 
 reprimand. Most parents would agree in thinking that the 
 father's indulgence, even to Charles Fox, was excessive. 
 Few. very few, can have an opportunity of ascertaining its 
 effects on such a subject. 
 
 Two sailors, being in company together, were relating the 
 most remarkable accidents that happened in their voyages. 
 One swore they found it so excessively hot, going to Guinea, 
 that they used no fire to boil their kettle, but dressed all their 
 meat above deck, in the sunshine; and could bake, boil, fry 
 or stew, as well as at a large fire. 
 
 The other said, " I never was in so hot a climate as that ; 
 but I have been so many degrees to the northward, where it 
 has been so cold, it has frozen our words in our mouths, that 
 we could not hear one another speak, till we came into a 
 warmer latitude to thaw them ; and then all our discourses 
 broke out together like a clap of thunder, that there was 
 never such a confusion of tongues heard at Babel.*' 
 
 When Marshal Tallard was riding with the Duke of 
 Marlborough in his carriage, after the victory of Blenheim, 
 " My Lord Duke," says the marshal, "you have had the 
 honor of beating the best troops in the world."* " I hope,*" 
 replied the duke, "you except those who have had the honor 
 of beating them."' 
 
68 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A CURIOUS MANNER OF PUNISHING THOSE GUILTY OF A 
 LIBEL, IN RUSSIA. 
 
 We complain very heavily of the men who write libels ; 
 but the method we take to punish has not the effect which is 
 intended. It does not deter the offenders, nor terrify others 
 from committing the same crime. Imprisonment, pillory, 
 burning the libel, and some other things of the same sort, are 
 what these gentlemen earnestly desire; it saves them the 
 expense of advertising. They manage these things differently 
 in Russia. A gentleman in Petersburg thought fit to pub- 
 lish a quarto pamphlet, reflecting upon the unlimited power 
 of the sovereign, and exposing the iniquity with which it was 
 exerted. The offender was immediately seized, by virtue of a 
 warrant signed by one of the principal officers of state, was 
 tried in a summary w T ay, his book determined to be a libel, 
 and he himself, as the author, condemned to eat his own 
 words. The sentence was literally carried into execution. A 
 scaffold was erected in the most public street in the town, the 
 imperial provost was the executioner, and all the inferior mag- 
 istrates attended the ceremony. The book was severed from 
 the binding, the margins were cut off, and every leaf was 
 rolled up in the form of a lottery-ticket when it was taken 
 out of the wheel at Guildhall. The author was then fed 
 with them separately by the provost. The gentleman had 
 received a complete mouthful before he began to chew ; but 
 he was obliged, upon pain of the severest bastinado, to swal- 
 low as many of the leaves as the attendant surgeon thought 
 it possible for him to do, without the immediate hazard of his 
 life. 
 
 A country squire introduced his baboon, in clerical 
 habits, to say grace. A clergyman who was present imme- 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 69 
 
 diately left the table, asking ten thousand pardons for not 
 remembering that his lordship's nearest relation was in 
 orders. 
 
 HISTORY OF ALCOHOL. 
 
 Alcohol was invented nine hundred and fifty years ago, by 
 the son of a strange woman, Hagar, in Arabia. Ladies used 
 it with a powder to paint themselves, that they might appear 
 more beautiful ; and this powder was called alcohol. During 
 the reign of William and Mary an act was passed encouraging 
 the manufacture of spirits. Soon after, intemperance and 
 profligacy prevailed to such an extent that the retailers in 
 intoxicating drinks put up signs in public places informing 
 the people that they might get drunk for a penny, and have 
 some straw to get sober on. 
 
 In the sixteenth century distilled spirits spread over the 
 continent of Europe. About this time it was introduced into 
 the colonies, as the United States were then called. The 
 first notice we have of its use in public life was among the 
 laborers in the Hungarian mines, in the fifteenth century. 
 In 1751 it was used by the English soldiers as a cordial. 
 The alcohol in Europe was made of grapes, and sold in Italy 
 and Spain as a medicine. The Genoese afterwards made it 
 from grain, and sold it as a medicine in bottles, under the 
 name of the water of life. Until the sixteenth century it 
 had only been kept by apothecaries as medicine. During the 
 reign of Henry VII. brandy was unknown in Ireland, and 
 soon its alarming effect induced the government to pass a law 
 prohibiting its manufacture. 
 
 About one hundred and twenty years ago it w r as used as a 
 beverage, especially among the soldiers in the English colo- 
 nies in North America, under the preposterous notion that it 
 
70 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 prevented sickness, and made men fearless on the field of bat- 
 tle. It was looked upon as a sovereign specific. Such is a 
 brief sketch of the introduction of alcohol into society as a 
 beverage. The history of it is written in the wretchedness, 
 the tears, the groans, poverty and murder, of thousands. It 
 has marched the land with the tread of a giant, leaving the 
 impress of its footsteps in the bones, sinews and life's blood, 
 of the people. 
 
 NO PAY NO PLAY. 
 
 When the first Musical Festival took place at Edinburgh, 
 there was a great bustle, for some time before, among the 
 musicians, and much fear was expressed lest there should not 
 be a sufficient number of violin-players in town to fill that 
 department of the orchestra. An old woman, who conducted 
 a wretched performer — her husband — through the streets, 
 and who thought, perhaps, that the Musical Festival would 
 be an affair little better than a penny wedding, hearing of the 
 great demand for fiddlers, remarked one day to a friend, 
 " Faith, they'll no get our John, unless they pay him 
 weel! " 
 
 An Irish servant, being struck by his master, cried out, 
 " Devil take me if I am certain whether he has killed me or 
 no ; but, if I am dead, it will afford me great satisfaction to 
 hear the old rogue was hanged for killing me." 
 
 A gentleman, being jolted by a sailor, vociferated that he 
 would give him a flogging. " No," says the son of Neptune, 
 "you shan't give it to me; I will return it, and pay inter- 
 est besides." 
 
OMB THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 71 
 
 CAPITULATION. 
 
 Some years ago, a gentleman in Galloway, when walking 
 on his estate, observed a country boy rapidly mounting to the 
 top of a very high tree, in search, no doubt, of a crow or 
 pyet'a nest. Being concerned for the little fellow's safety, as 
 well as anxious to banish such mischievous intruders from his 
 plantations, he bawled out, "Ho, ye little scoundrel! what 
 are you about there ? Come down immediately, and never 
 let me see your face in this place again ! " The climber, 
 nowise alarmed at this address, rested himself on a branch, 
 and answered, very laconically, u Na; if I was to come 
 doon, you would lick me." u No," said the gentleman, 
 " although you well deserve to be punished, I won't beat you 
 for this offence; so come down immediately." "Say as 
 sure 's death ye '11 no lick me," rejoined the culprit, " and I '11 
 come doon." " What, you impudent rogue ! do you presume 
 to doubt my word, and treat me like one of your school- 
 boys?" "Idinna ken," whimpered the pertinacious boy 
 " but unless you say as sure 's death, I '11 no come doon the 
 day." The gentleman, who was a distinguished humorist, 
 had now great difficulty in preserving his gravity ; and, find- 
 ing further remonstrance vain, he at last fairly capitulated 
 with the enemy, and agreed to grant him his own terms, and 
 to let him march off with all the honors of war. 
 
 A gentleman, who had been very silly and pert in a 
 lady's company, at last began to grieve at remembering the 
 loss of his child, lately dead. A bishop, sitting by, advised 
 him to make himself easy, because the child was gone to 
 heaven. "I believe, my lord," said the lady, "'tis that 
 which makes him grieve, because lie is sure never to see his 
 child there." 
 
72 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 BLACK AS EVER. 
 
 A gentleman crossing the water lately below Lime-house, 
 where laborers were at work in a tier of colliers, and wanting 
 to learn the price of coals in the Pool, hailed one of the men 
 with " Well, Paddy, how are coals ? " " Black as ever, your 
 honor," replied the Irishman, with a hearty laugh. 
 
 PADDY AND THE GAME-COCKS. 
 
 A gentleman, having engaged to fight a main of cocks, 
 directed his feeder in the country, who was a son of the sod, 
 to pick out two of the best, and bring them to town. Paddy, 
 having made his selection, put the two cocks together into a 
 bag, and brought them with him in the mail-coach. When 
 they arrived it was found that upon their journey they had 
 almost torn each other to pieces ; on which Paddy was se- 
 verely taken to task for his stupidity in putting both cocks 
 in one bag. " Indeed," said the honest Hibernian, "I 
 thought there was no risk of their falling out, as they were 
 going to fight on the same side." 
 
 THE IRISH METHOD OF RUINING A BANKER. 
 
 In a late Irish rebellion, J. C. Beresford, Esq., a banker, 
 and member for Dublin, rendered himself so very obnoxious 
 to the rebels, in consequence of his vigilance in bringing them 
 to punishment, that whenever they found any of his bank- 
 notes, in plundering a house, the general cry was, " By 
 Jasus, we'll ruin the rascal ! we'll destroy every note of his 
 we can find ! " and they actually destroyed, it is supposed, 
 upwards of twenty thousand pounds of his notes during the 
 rebellion. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 73 
 
 ODD PROCLAMATION FOR HOLDING A FAIR AMONG THE 
 SCOTCH. 
 
 OlKS! and that's e'e time; yes! and that's twa 
 times; yes! and that's theird and last time. All man- 
 ner of pearson or pearsons, "whosoever, let 'em draw near, 
 and I shall let 'em kenn that there is a fair to be held at the 
 muckle town of Langholm, for the space of aught days, 
 wherein if any hustrin, custrin, land-lopper, dub-skouper, or 
 gang-the-gate-swinger, shall breed any hurdam, durham, rab- 
 blement, brabblement, or squabblement, he shall have his lugs 
 tacked to the muckle throne, with a nail of a twa-a-penny, 
 until he down on his hobshanks, and put up his muckle 
 daups, and pray to hea'en neen times, — God bless the king, 
 and thrice the muckle laird of Helton, paying a groat to me, 
 Jemmy Ferguson, Bailly of the aforesaid manor. — So you 
 heard my proclamation, and I '11 gang heam to my dinner. 
 
 RISE OF THE CITY OF GLASGOW. 
 
 The late Provost Cochrane, who was eminently wise, and 
 who had been a merchant at Glasgow for near seventy 
 years, being asked to what causes he imputed the sudden 
 rise of the city of Glasgow, said it was all owing to four 
 young men of talents and spirit, who started at one time in 
 business, and whose success gave example to the rest. The 
 four had not ten thousand pounds amongst them when 
 they began. 
 
 IRISH CAPITALS. 
 
 The preceding anecdote was related by the Earl of Ches- 
 terfield in answer to some observations as to the poverty of 
 Ireland. His lordship was for maintaining " the chain of 
 
 7 
 
74 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 causes and effects to be as absolute in the moral and political, 
 as the natural world." Certainly the argument that, because 
 the Irish have small capitals, they will not obtain trade, is an 
 argument for children. 
 
 LITERAKY ANECDOTE. 
 
 The performance known by the name of " Burn's Trea- 
 tise on the Office of a Justice of the Peace " was written by 
 a poor clergyman in the north of England. He went to 
 London to sell his manuscript, and inquired of the landlord 
 at the inn where he lodged if he was acquainted with any 
 bookseller. The master of the house introduced him to a 
 person in the trade, who, after keeping the manuscript for 
 examination eight days, at last offered him twenty pounds for 
 it. After a variety of disappointments of the same kind, the 
 author waited on Mr. Miller, who was rising fast in fame and 
 fortune. He had sufficient strength of mind to see that 
 " honesty was the best policy;" and, by treating every 
 writer with justice, and often with generosity, he acquired a 
 most opulent fortune. He had in his employment gentlemen 
 in every different branch of learning, who were to report to 
 him of the different books submitted to their inspection. The 
 manuscript in question was transmitted to a Scotch student in 
 the Temple, and Burn in the mean time received a general 
 invitation to Mr. Miller's table. In eight or ten days the 
 manuscript was returned to Mr. Miller, with a note that it 
 would be an excellent bargain at two hundred pounds. Next 
 day, after dinner, when the glass had begun to circulate, he 
 asked Burn what was the lowest sum he would take. The 
 poor man replied that the highest offer he had received was 
 twenty pounds, — a sum too small to defray the expenses of 
 his journey. " Will you accept of two hundred guineas?" 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 75 
 
 said Mr. Miller. "Two hundred guineas!" cried the par- 
 son, clapping his hands ; " I am extremely fortunate." The 
 book went through many impressions, and Miller, of his own 
 good will, paid the clergyman an hundred pounds additional 
 for each of them. As the author loved port, the bookseller 
 gave him a letter of credit for the purchase of a pipe of wine 
 per annum, during the rest of his life, in any wine-cellar in 
 London where he thought proper. "After all this," added 
 Miller, in telling the story, "I have lived to clear eleven 
 thousand pounds by the bargain." 
 
 MAKING A WIFE A NURSE. 
 
 A bachelor of seventy and upwards came one day to 
 Bishop Alexander, of Dunkeld, and said he wished to be mar- 
 ried to a girl of the neighborhood, whom he named. The 
 bishop, a non-juring Scotch Episcopalian of the middle of 
 the last century, and himself an old bachelor, inquired into 
 the motives of this strange proceeding, and soon drew from the 
 old man the awkward apology, that he married to have a 
 nurse. Too knowing to believe such a statement, the good 
 bishop quietly replied, " See, John, then, and mak her ane." 
 
 TEXT FOR TEXT. 
 
 The Duke of Bouillon, whom Louis XIII. had just par- 
 doned for a conspiracy, met the Cardinal of Valette, who 
 said to him, " Beati quorum remissa sunt iniquitates." 
 — "Blessed are they whose sins are forgiven them." As 
 this cardinal had been suspected of being also engaged in 
 another conspiracy, the duke answered him, u Et quorum 
 tecta sunt peccata" — "And under whose roof there are no 
 
76 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 faults." This answer is the more happy, as being chosen 
 from the same Psalm. 
 
 POPE ALEXANDER THE SIXTH, 
 
 Having expended large sums in building a magnificent 
 palace, the poor, "who suffered greatly, murmured at it, and 
 "wrote these words upon the gates of it: " Die ut lapides 
 isti panes jiantP — " Command that these stones be made 
 bread." 
 
 TWO REVEREND DRONES. 
 
 A certain reverend drone in the country was complaining 
 to another that it was great fatigue to preach twice a day. 
 " 0," said the other, "I preach twice every Sunday, and 
 make nothing of it." 
 
 A DISTINCTION. 
 An Irish gentleman, by way of complimenting the king, 
 said, "That the only difference he knew between the Pope 
 and his majesty was, that the first was infallible^ and the 
 second could do no wrong." 
 
 No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to 
 himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting 
 bewildered as to which may be the truer. 
 
 If any inducement could influence angels to leave heaven 
 to dwell on earth, it would be to associate with and wipe the 
 tears of sorrow from the eyes of the fairest daughters of our 
 world. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 77 
 
 A FINE ANSWER. 
 
 Shortly after his accession, Louis XIV.. then very young, 
 asked one of the oldest of his courtiers which he liked best, 
 the last age or the present. " Sire," answered he, "1 
 passed my youth in respecting the old. and I now pass my 
 old age in respecting the young.*' 
 
 CHOICE OF DEATH. 
 
 A court buffoon haying offended his sovereign, the mon- 
 arch ordered him to be brought before him, and with a stern 
 countenance reproached him. "Wretch! you shall receive 
 the punishment you merit: prepare yourself for death." 
 The culprit, in great terror, fell upon his knees, and cried for 
 mercy. ' : I will extend no other mercy to you," said the 
 prince, " except permitting you to choose what kind of death 
 you will die. Decide immediately, for I will be obeyed." 
 " I adore your clemency,"' said the crafty jester; "I choose 
 to die of old age/"' 
 
 MR. CURRAN. 
 
 This celebrated orator, once passing through an obscure 
 alley in Dublin, observing a broken pane patched by a page 
 of a very dull book, exclaimed to his companions, " 'T is the 
 first time, I believe, that the author has thrown light upon 
 any subject" 
 
 A melting sermon being one day preached in a country 
 
 church, all the congregation fell a weeping, except one man, 
 
 who begged to be excused, a3 he belonged to another 
 
 parish. 
 
 7* 
 
78 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 CAPTAIN GROSE 
 
 Had illustrated the Antiquities of England and Wales, in 
 four volumes quarto, and of Scotland, in two volumes. He 
 was executing a work of the same kind relative to Ireland, 
 when he died at Dublin, in May, 1791. He also published 
 " A Provincial Glossary, with a Collection of Local Proverbs, 
 &c," and a very eccentric performance, entitled, " A Clas- 
 sical History of the Vulgar Tongue/'' He was a man of 
 much humor, and remarkably familiar with his domestics. 
 Though a military officer, his figure was so remarkably thick 
 and short that he was supposed by many a kind of burlesque 
 on the military character. He delighted much in punning 
 upon his own figure, of which the following anecdote is an 
 instance, as it is also a proof of his familiarity and good- 
 nature. In a culinary tete-a-tete with his housekeeper, she 
 thus expostulated with him : " Sir, as you are inclinable to be 
 fat, you should not eat food of a nourishing kind; you should 
 
 , w "You jade," replied he, "I am not inclinable to 
 
 be fat; that I am fat is wholly against my inclination; I 
 consider it as a misfortune to be fat. For the future, there- 
 fore, remember that I am disinclined to be fat." 
 
 BAUCHIE LEE. 
 
 Before the Bridge of Dalserf, in Lanarkshire, was built, 
 about forty years ago, a ferry-boat was kept there by one 
 Bauchie Lee, a rough, uncultivated being, but possessed of 
 great shrewdness and humor. The late Earl of Hyndford 
 (the last of the title) had occasion very frequently to pass 
 the ferry, when he generally gave Bauchie a shilling, 
 although the charge was only one penny. His lordship 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 79 
 
 cracked many a joke with Bauchie, who, in return, used a 
 good deal of freedom : but the former, on a particular occa- 
 sion, determined to give the ferryman a puzzler. So, accord- 
 ingly, having got across the river, his lordship leapt out of the 
 boat -without so much as putting his hand into his pocket. 
 Bauchie, apparently thunderstruck at the occurrence, for a 
 while eyed the earl, who, before he had gone many paces, 
 was interrupted with the vehement vociferation of, " My lord ! 
 I have only to say to your lordship, that if you have lost 
 your purse, recollect it has not been in my boat." The good 
 earl laughed heartily, retraced his steps, and rewarded 
 Bauchie with a double gift. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF A HISTORIAN. 
 
 Mr. Dayid Hume often met with illiberal treatment from 
 the clergy of Scotland, who took every opportunity to asperse 
 his character, on account of his free opinions. Observing a 
 certain zealot of this class always leave the room when he 
 entered it, he one day took an opportunity to address him as 
 follows : "I am surprised, friend, to find you express an 
 aversion to me ; I would wish to be upon good terms with 
 you here, as it is very probable we shall be both doomed to 
 the same place hereafter : you believe I shall be damned for 
 want of faith, and I fear you will be damned for want of 
 charity." 
 
 A person said to a physician, " Well, doctor, Mr. B. is 
 dead, notwithstanding you promised to cure him." The doctor 
 replied, " You were absent, sir ; you did not follow the pro- 
 gress of the cure. He died mired." 
 
80 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF LORD SOMERS AND MR. JOHNSTONE. 
 
 Lord Somers, when Chancellor, hired a little house near 
 Twickenham Common, in which parish Mr. Johnstone, Secre- 
 tary of State for Scotland, built that beautiful villa, late in 
 the possession of Sir George Peacock. The Chancellor of 
 England invited the Secretary of Scotland to a convivial 
 dinner, and the- secretary, during dinner, entertained the com- 
 pany with a long story of a countryman of his own, conclud- 
 ing with " Notwithstanding all this, he was a d — d knave." 
 "What!" in a start, exclaimed Somers ; "you, Mr. John- 
 stone, declare a Scotchman to be a knave? " " Take no heed 
 about that, sir," says the secretary; "for, as I shall answer 
 to the Lord, we have more knaves in Scotland than ye have 
 honest men in England." 
 
 TRUCKLE-BEDS 
 
 Among the furniture of our old colleges, truckle-beds are 
 very frequently enumerated. Shakspeare, painting (it is 
 presumed) the manners of his own times, makes the truckle- 
 bed part of the furniture of his facetious knight. (Merry 
 Wives of Windsor, act iv. scene 5) ; and Hall, who wrote 1597, 
 satirizing a " gentle squire" and a domestic tutor, represents 
 it as the first condition requisite in the latter, 
 
 " That lie sleep upon the truckle-bed, 
 While his young maister lieth o'er his head." 
 
 RINGS. 
 The use of rings is of high antiquity in Ireland. In a 
 translation of a fragment of Icelandic history, entitled " A 
 Voyage from Ireland to Iceland," in the possession of the 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 81 
 
 Earl of Moira, an Irish princess, resident in Iceland, presents 
 to her son, on the eve of his departure for Ireland, a ring, 
 saying, " My father made a present of this gold ring to me on 
 the appearance of my first tooth ; I hope that he will know it 
 
 JOURNEY OF CHARLES I. INTO SPAIN, IN 1623. 
 
 It appears by the Inrollment Book in the office for audit- 
 ing the public accounts, vol. in. fol. 175, that the prince's 
 expenses for his journey into Spain, during his abode there, 
 and for his return from thence, amounted to fifty thousand 
 and twenty-seven pounds ; which was paid in part out of the 
 king's exchequer, and in part out of the prince's treasury. 
 
 SEDITIOUS SERMONS. 
 
 In the year 1622, the Privy Council, by the direction of 
 King James, wrote to the university concerning a wicked 
 sermon preached by one Knight, who sheltered himself under 
 the doctrine taught by Parens in his Commentary on the loth 
 chapter of Eomans, which the bishops had declared seditious, 
 scandalous, and contrary to the Scriptures. The heads of the 
 University were, therefore, enjoined to stop such doctrines, 
 and to search all the libraries, and in case any such books 
 were found there to burn them. 
 
 DUTCH HOSPITALITY. 
 An Irish soldier, who came over with General Moore, 
 being asked if he met with much hospitality in Holland, 
 "0 yes," he replied, " too much; I was in the hospital 
 almost all the time I was there." 
 
82 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 AN IRISH WARNING. 
 
 "Do not send for Dr. S ," said Captain O'Neal; 
 
 " do not send for Dr. S. ; for he once attended a young 
 
 officer of our regiment, and, upon my conscience, he stuffed 
 the poor lad so unmercifully with potions and draughts, that 
 he continued sick for a fortnight after he was quite well." 
 
 SUWARROW. 
 
 The singularity of his manners is as striking as the eccen- 
 tricity of his mind. He retires to rest at six in the evening, 
 and rises at two in the morning, when he bathes himself in 
 cold water, or causes pails of water to be thrown over his 
 naked body. He dines at eight, and his dinner, like his 
 breakfast, consists of the coarsest and commonest food of the 
 soldiers, and brandy ; a man trembles to be invited to such a 
 repast. Often, in the middle of the entertainment, one of his 
 aids-de-camp rises, and, approaching him, forbids him to eat 
 anymore. "By whose order am I forbidden?" demands 
 Suwarrow. " By order of the Marshal Suwarrow himself," 
 answers the aid-de-camp. Suwarrow, rising, then says, " He 
 must be obeyed." In the same manner, he causes himself to 
 be commanded in his own name to walk, or do any other 
 necessary thing. 
 
 A METHOD OF SUPPRESSING A MOB WITHOUT BLOODSHED. 
 
 In the year 1792 the women of Toulon declared them- 
 selves in a state of insurrection, and, assembling in great 
 crowds, threatened to hang the magistrates, if they did not 
 lower the price of sugar. The procurator Snydic at first 
 laughed at their threats, but the multitude refusing to dis- 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 83 
 
 perse, he assembled the Council General of the commune, and 
 ordered the fire-engines, with a plentiful supply of water 
 mixed with soot, to be drawn out in battle array. By a 
 vigorous discharge of this smutty artillery, the insurgents in 
 petticoats were completely routed, and retired peaceably to 
 their homes. 
 
 AN IEISH HAND-BILL. 
 
 The following remarkable hand-bill was printed and stuck 
 up in several parts of the city of Dublin : " This is to certify, 
 that I, Daniel 0' Flanagan, am not the person that was tarred 
 and feathered by the liberty mob on Tuesday last ; and I am 
 ready to give twenty guineas to any one that will bet me 
 fifty that I am the other man who goes by my name. Wit- 
 ness my hand, this 30th of July. — Dan. 0' Flanagan." 
 
 WIGS. 
 
 It is said that the first person by whom a wig was worn 
 in Ireland was a Mr. Edmund O'Dwyer, who lost his estate 
 by joining in opposition to Cromwell's forces. He was known 
 by the appellation of " Edmund of the Wig. : 
 
 , ?? 
 
 An Irish gentleman, having a party to meet at a tavern, 
 exclaimed, on arriving (finding the room empty), " So I am 
 first, after all.*' The waiter informed him that he was mis- 
 taken ; that his friends had been there, but were gone. 
 " Very well,'' replied the Hibernian, " then I have made no 
 mistake : for, as they were all here before me, surely I was 
 right in saying I was first, after all" 
 
84 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 THE "SHIPWRECK" OF AND BY WILLIAM FALCONER. 
 
 Perhaps the incidents connected with the fortunes of this 
 amiable, accomplished and ingenious writer, are unexampled. 
 It is to the honor of Scotland, so prolific in great literary tal- 
 ents, that William Falconer was a native of that country. 
 He published, in 1762, a charming pathetic poem, called 
 "The Shipwreck," formed on a disaster which happened to 
 himself some years before. Had he not experienced the perils 
 which he so feelingly describes in that poem, he could not 
 possibly have related them with so much pathos. It is very 
 remarkable that, in the second calamity of the same kind, he 
 probably lost his life ; for he went out, in 1769, in the Aurora 
 frigate, which was never heard of after sailing from the Cape 
 of Good Hope for the East Indies. Mr. F. was secretary to 
 the supervisors who were on board. 
 
 Two brothers having been sentenced to death, one was 
 executed first. "See!" the other brother said, "what a 
 lamentable spectacle my brother makes ! In a few minutes I 
 shall be turned off, — and then you will see a pair of spec- 
 tacles ! " 
 
 A coachmaker, remarking the fashionable stages of car- 
 riages, said that a sociable was all the ton during the honey- 
 moon, and a sulky ever after. 
 
 "You are always yawning ! " said a woman to her hus- 
 band. " My dear friend," replied he, " the husband and wife 
 are one, and when I am alone I grow weary." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 85 
 
 A Frenchman, calling at a federal tavern for a gill of 
 wine, which was brought him, observed that the quantity was 
 very small, and that it was the custom in France to bring 
 liquor in a measure. "Ay," said the landlord, "but we 
 don't wish to introduce French measures here." 
 
 A very plain man was acting the character of Mithridates 
 on a French theatre, when Momma said to him, "My lord, 
 you change countenance." A young fellow in the pit cried, 
 
 " For Heaven's sake, let him ! " 
 
 Envy shoots at others, and wounds itself. 
 
 Praise makes a wise man modest, a fool arrogant. 
 
 He is unworthy to live who lives only for himself. 
 
 Discovery often becomes a crime, and doubt of established 
 error, treason. 
 
 The defects of the mind, like those of the face, grow worse 
 as we grow old. 
 
 Better is a poor and wise child, than an old and foolish 
 king, who will no more be admonished. 
 
 Introduce changes in your reading and studies. Who 
 reads but little at a time retains that little the better. 
 
 Youth endures nothing more easily than poverty, if only a 
 love, either of a heart or a science, illuminate its dark 
 present. 
 
 To answer a bully with the courteousness of a gentleman, 
 is like defending yourself with a foil against a two-handed 
 
 sword. 
 
 8 
 
86 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 An impudent fellow from Scotland was described to Dr. 
 Johnson, as affecting to be a savage, and railing at established 
 systems. He observed, " There is nothing surprising in this. 
 He wants to make himself conspicuous. He would tumble in 
 a hog-sty so long as you looked at him and called to him to 
 come out. But let him alone ; never mind him, and he will 
 soon give it up." 
 
 During the engagement between the American frigate 
 Constellation and the French national frigate La Vengeance, 
 an American sailor, intent on nothing but capturing the 
 Frenchman, exclaimed, " Blast it, lieutenant, don't put any 
 more balls in the guns; you will spoil the prize." 
 
 An Irish painter declares, in an Irish journal, that, among 
 other portraits, he has a representation of Death, as large as 
 life. 
 
 A French actress recited imprecatory verses with terrible 
 gestures, but as soon as she had done her face remained 
 quite composed, without dumb play. Mr. Garrick said of 
 her, " She is a good girl ; she puts herself in a terrible pas- 
 sion, but she bears not the least shadow of malice." 
 
 A little boy having been much praised for his quickness 
 of reply, a gentleman observed when children were so keen in 
 their youth they are generally stupid and dull as they ad- 
 vance in years. " What a very sensible boy you must have 
 been, sir, then ! " replied the child. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 87 
 
 EXAGGERATION OUT-EXAGGERATED. 
 
 Nothing is more common than to make extravagant and 
 improbable assertions, as if a rational conversation could not 
 be supported but by the marvellous. The best answer that 
 can be made to such is, if possible, to exceed the absurdity. 
 A gentleman was boasting, in company with Boursault, of his 
 very strong sight, and, just at the moment, looking through 
 the window, said, " I can discern from hence a mouse on the 
 top of that high tower." " I do not see it/ 7 answered Bour- 
 sault, " but I hear it running. " 
 
 IMITATING HANNIBAL. 
 
 The magistrates of Marseilles having, on some great pub- 
 lic anniversary, waited on Henry IV. of France, and prepared 
 for the purpose a long and learned harangue, which, for the 
 greater satisfaction of the king (who loved brevity and de- 
 spatch), was to be delivered by the chief magistrate, who had 
 a very ungraceful and drawling delivery, — he began thus: 
 ••'Sire, Hannibal, on quitting Carthage — " At these words, 
 the king interrupted him, by saying, "Hannibal, when he 
 quitted Carthage, had dined, and I will go and . do the same." 
 
 A DEVILISH GOOD FORTUNE. 
 "It is an ill wind/' says the old adage, "that blows 
 nobody any good; " the higher the better for the Bricklayer's 
 Company, who have a rich harvest, which they continue to 
 reap for a fortnight afterwards. They exclaim, with David, 
 " Praise the Lord, ye winds, for he rideth in the tempest." 
 One of them, looking very earnestly at a pavement almost 
 wholly covered with the tiles that were blown down by a tre- 
 
88 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 mendous storm, said to an Irishman "who stood by, "The 
 devil has been very busy abroad to-night ; can you account 
 for it?" "Yes," answered Patrick, "lean; he has mar- 
 ried his eldest daughter to a bricklayer, and, as he had no 
 money to fortune her, he has given her a high wind for a 
 portion." 
 
 A HIBERNIAN EPISTLE. 
 
 The following letter from an Irish soldier on duty at the 
 Tower was written to the warden: " My wife is very ill; 
 prays your honor's worship to let me sleep out at night, 
 promising most faithfully never to go out till after the gates 
 are locked up at night, and always to come in before the gates 
 are opened in the morning ; for which your petitioner shall 
 ever pray." 
 
 Henky IV., King of France, always made his children 
 call him papa or father, not the usual title of Sir, or, Your 
 majesty. He used frequently to join in their amusements ; 
 and, one day, as he was going on all fours, with the dauphin, 
 his son, on his back, an ambassador entered his apartment 
 suddenly, and surprised him in this attitude. The monarch, 
 without moving from it, said to him, " Monsieur L'Ambassa- 
 deur, have you any children?" "Yes, sire," replied he. 
 " Very well, then," said the king ; " I shall finish my race 
 round my chamber." 
 
 A DUMB ANIMAL. 
 A gentleman threatening to beat a dog which barked 
 intolerably, " Why," exclaimed an Irishman who was present, 
 " would you beat the poor dumb animal for making a noise?" 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 89 
 
 EFFECTS OF SPREEING. 
 11 Patrick, do you know the fate of the drunkard ? " 
 Pat, — •• Pate ! Don't I stand upon the most beautiful pair 
 you ever seen ? ,s 
 
 A POOR ARABIAN. 
 A poor Arabian of the desert, ignorant as most Arabians 
 are, was one day asked how he came to be assured that there 
 was a God. "In the same way," replied he, "that I am 
 
 able to tell by the print impressed on the sand whether it 
 was a man or a beast passed this way." 
 
 ZS o lady who has any regard for herself, or any respect for 
 the society in which she moves, wiL 1 be slovenly in her appear- 
 ance, or careless in her attire. 
 
 What is the highest beauty of literature, poetry, fiction, 
 and the fine arts, but a moral beauty, which genius has bodied 
 forth for the admiration of the world ? 
 
 He who violates his promise to pay, or withholds the pay- 
 ment of a debt when in his power to meet his engagement, 
 ought to be made to feel that in the sight of all honest men 
 
 he is a swindler. 
 
 When I see a young profligate squandering his fortune 
 in bagnios, or at the gaming-table, I cannot help looking on 
 him as hastening his own death, and, in a manner, digging 
 his own grave. 
 
 One of the worst things to fat on is envy. It is as difficult 
 for a grudging man to raise a double chin as it is for a bank- 
 rupt to raise a loan. Plumpness comes not from roast beef, 
 but from a good heart and a cheerful disposition. 
 
90 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 DISCERNMENT. 
 
 The Earl of Stair's discernment appeared in the choice of 
 the three friends whom he carried in his coach to London, to 
 provide for : — the late Sir John Pringle, afterwards Presi- 
 dent of the Royal Society ; Mr. Keith, afterwards ambassador 
 at Berlin and Vienna; and Sir Lawrence Dundas, — men of 
 superior talents in their respective lines, and of good birth, 
 but at that time no favorites of fortune. He was well repaid. 
 I have seen the two first, at fourscore years of age, cry when 
 the name of Stair was mentioned. 
 
 self-defence. 
 
 James Massey Dawson, Esq., independent of his own 
 personal prowess (which many remember as being the terror 
 of all the hackney-coachmen within the bills of mortality), 
 was commonly attended in his perambulations by an extraor- 
 dinary number of very fierce dogs. One of them having 
 assailed a paver, and fastened on his leg, the paver, se defend- 
 endo, killed the animal. His master, enraged, demanded 
 compensation, and had the chief of the rammer and pickaxe 
 brought before a magistrate. On being asked why he killed 
 the dog, he answered that " the animal would have bit him." 
 " But why," said the magistrate, "not strike him with the 
 handle of the pick, instead of the point ? " " So I should," 
 answered Paddy, "if he had attempted to bite me with his 
 tail, instead of his teeth." 
 
 A crimp, endeavoring to inveigle a young shepherd to 
 enlist by the promise of making him a sergeant, was archly 
 answered that he was already afield officer. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 91 
 
 FAITH. 
 
 Frederick the Great having embellished a Lutheran 
 church with a new altar-piece, the ministers represented to 
 the king that their flock could not read the canticles, which 
 were done in very small print. His majesty, considering that 
 the advanced state of the building rendered this fault irreme- 
 diable, returned their remonstrance, having first written at 
 the bottom of it these w r ords, " Happy are they who believe 
 and see not, 75 
 
 An old French nobleman told a lady that formerly his 
 polite attentions were taken for declarations of love, but that 
 now his declarations of love were taken for polite attentions. 
 
 A French gentleman had courted a young lady some 
 months ; at last the mother asked him whether, by thus con- 
 tinuing his courtship to her daughter, he meant to marry her, 
 or otherwise. " To tell you the truth, madam," replied he, 
 " it is for otherwise" 
 
 A foolish fellow said in company. '-An idea strikes me." 
 A wag replied, " I am surprised at it." 
 
 Viscount S. once met M. de V., and said to him, "Is it 
 true, sir, that in a house where I am thought to be witty 
 you said that I had no wit at all?" M. de V. answered, 
 • ; My lord, there is not a word of truth in the matter; I 
 never was in a house where you were thought to be witty, and 
 I never had occasion to tell anybody you had no wit at all." 
 
92 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 FRAGMENT OF A SERMON, 
 
 BY DR CHENEY, BISHOP OF GLOSTER, WHO WAS DISSATISFIED WITH THE 
 REFORMATION. 
 
 " These new writers," says his lordship, "in matters of 
 controversy, as Mr. Calvin and others, agree not together, 
 but are at dissension among themselves, and are together by 
 the ears ; therefore, take heed of them. Yet read them ; 
 for in opening the text they do pass many of the old fathers, 
 and they are excellently well learned in the tongues ; but in 
 matters now in controversy follow them not, but follow the 
 old fathers and doctors, though Mr. Calvin denies some of 
 them. As for your new doctors, it is good to pick a salad 
 out of them, now and then. ' Scriptures, Scriptures,' do you 
 cry ? Be not too hasty ; for so the heretics always cried. I 
 would ask this question : I have to do with an heretic, I 
 bring scripture against him, and he will confess it to be scrip- 
 ture, but he will deny the sense that I bring for it ; how, 
 now, how shall this be tried ? marry, by the fathers only, and 
 not by others. In reading the Scriptures, be you like a 
 snail, which is a goodly figure ; for when he feels a hard 
 thing against his horns, he pulls them in again. So do you ; 
 read Scriptures, in God's name ; but when you come to mat- 
 ters of controversy, go back again, and pull in your horns." 
 
 The famous Fermier general, Mons. Bouret, was a man of 
 immense fortune, but stupid even to a proverb. Being one 
 day in the king's apartment at Versailles, called L'oeuil de 
 Boeuf, where two noblemen were engaged in a party at piquet, 
 one of them happened to play the wrong card, and by that lost 
 the game ; when he exclaimed, " 0, what a Bouret ami!" 
 Offended at this liberty, Bouret instantly resented it in these 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 93 
 
 words: "Sir you are an ass!" "The very thing I 
 meant," replied the other, "with a sang froid that gave the 
 epigram its full poignancy. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF PIGALLE. 
 Pigalle, the celebrated artist, -who had laid by twelve 
 Louis d'ors for his journey from Lyons to Paris, seeing 
 one day a man who was walking with visible marks of deep- 
 felt sorrow in his countenance, boldly accosted him, and 
 asked him if he could any way relieve him. "Ah, sir! " 
 exclaimed the stranger, "for want of ten Louis, I must 
 be dragged this evening to a dungeon, and be separated from 
 a tender wife and numerous family." " Is that all? " replied 
 the humane artist. " Come along with me ; I have twelve of 
 them in my trunk, and they are all at your service." A 
 friend, who met him by chance next day, asked him whether 
 he had relieved the distresses of a poor man, as was publicly 
 reported at Lyons. "Ah, mon ami," said Pigalle, "what a 
 delicious supper did I make last night upon bread and 
 cheese, with a family who blessed me at every mouthful they 
 ate, which was moistened with the tears of gratitude ! " 
 
 ANECDOTE OF DR. HOUGH. 
 
 Dr. Hough, Bishop of Worcester, who was as remarkable 
 for the evenness of his temper as for many other great quali- 
 ties, having a good deal of company at his house, a gentle- 
 man present desired his lordship to show him a weather-glass, 
 which the bishop had lately purchased, and which cost him 
 above thirty guineas. The servant was accordingly desired 
 to bring it, who, in delivering it to the gentleman, accident- 
 
94 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ally let it fall, and broke it all to pieces. The company was all 
 a little deranged from this accident, but particularly the gen- 
 tleman who asked to see it, and who was making many apolo- 
 gies for the accident. " Be under no concern, my dear sir," 
 said the bishop, smiling; " I think it is rather a lucky omen. 
 We have hitherto had a very dry season, and now I hope we 
 shall have some more rain ; for I protest I do not remember 
 ever to have seen the glass so low in my life." 
 
 A TEIFLER. 
 
 " I will forfeit my head, if you are not wrong," exclaimed 
 a dull and warm orator to the president Montesquieu, in an 
 argument. "I accept it," replied the philosopher; "any 
 trifle among friends has a value." 
 
 SAVING ONE'S BACON. 
 
 A boy, who had not returned after the holidays to 
 Winchester school, which the master charged him to do, 
 came back at last loaded with a fine ham, as a bribe to the 
 master, who took the ham, but flogged the lad, and told him, 
 " You may give my compliments to your mother for £he ham, 
 but I assure you it shall not save your bacon." 
 
 A negro, having purchased a hat, was observed to take it 
 from his head on the fall of a slight shower of rain, and to 
 manifest considerable alarm to preserve it from the wet. On 
 being remonstrated with for his supposed stupidity in thus 
 leaving his head exposed, he wittingly observed, "Hat belong 
 to me, head belong to massa" 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 95 
 
 BUILDING CxVSTLES IN THE AIR. 
 During the civil war, some persons of the royal party 
 having mixed with the republicans in company, were talking 
 of their future hopes. " 'T is all building castles in the air," 
 observed a surly republican. "Where can we build them 
 else?" replied a cavalier; "you have robbed us of every 
 inch of land." 
 
 STORY RAISED. 
 Mr. Congreve going up the water in a boat, one of the 
 watermen told him, as they passed by Peterborough House, 
 at Milbank, "that the house had sunk a story." "No, 
 friend," said he; "I rather believe it is a story raised." 
 
 CURE FOR DUMBNESS 
 An Irish soldier got discharged by pretending to be dumb. 
 Soon after, enlisting in another corps, he was met and recog- 
 nized by a former comrade, who asked him how he had 
 learned to speak so as to get into a new regiment. " By St. 
 Patrick," answered the Milesian, "ten guineas would make 
 any man spake." 
 
 In the beginning of the British treaty fever, an honest- 
 hearted, blunt, careless fellow was met by an old man, who 
 in a solemn tone exclaimed, " Is it possible? " and, still shak- 
 ing his gray locks, said, " They do say General Washington 
 is a going to sell his country." " Well, and who has a better 
 right?" returned the wag. "It is a country of his own 
 making ; he has suckled, and nursed, and tended, and fatted 
 it, till, faith, I am not afraid to trust him with it in any 
 market under heaven." 
 
96 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 THE FRIAR IS GOOD, BUT THE ABBOT IS BETTER. 
 
 Francis I. playing at tennis with a friar, who struck the 
 ball well, the king said, "That 's a good stroke for a friar." 
 " I '11 give it the stroke of an abbot, if your majesty pleases." 
 
 PAINTING'S PLUS ULTRA. 
 
 Nanteuil said " he could paint the portrait of an absent, 
 upon the report of an intelligent man, who would satisfac- 
 torily answer him all the questions he might ask." 
 
 We think this proud boast of Nanteuil very practicable ; the 
 lineaments of nature, as to the expression of the passions, &c, 
 on the human face, are invariable, though in different degrees 
 of operation. History and Memoirs present characteristic 
 traits of distinguished personages; perhaps, more unerring 
 traits for the canvas than the living subject. " Equally," said 
 Horace Walpole, " with painted portraits of memorable per- 
 sons, I admire written portraits, in which the character is 
 traced with those minute touches that resemble life itself." 
 
 ROYAL FAVOR. 
 A POOR Irishman was one day bragging to his friends that 
 the king had spoken to him. On being asked what his 
 majesty said to him, he replied, " Arrah, my dear honey, he 
 only axed me to get out of the way." 
 
 CURRAN. 
 Curran was once asked what an Irish gentleman, just 
 arrived in England, could mean by perpetually putting out 
 his tongue. " I suppose," replied the wit, "he's trying to 
 catch the English accent P 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 97 
 
 INSTANCE OF UNCOMMON AFFECTION. 
 
 RELATED BY MR. COXE, IX HIS ACCOUNT OF THE PRISONS AXD HOSPITALS 
 IX RUSSIA, SWEDEN, AXD DENMARK. 
 
 Within the court of the prison of the police of Moscow a 
 gentleman is confined, who alone, of these prisoners, is 
 refused the privilege of ever coming out : and yet this pun- 
 ishment is scarely adequate to the enormity of the crime, — 
 having whipped several of his peasants in so cruel a manner 
 that they died in consequence of the stripes. In Russia the 
 lords have great power over their peasants ; but the fate of 
 this tyrant shows that they are amenable for any wanton 
 abuse of it. 
 
 A mark of attachment in a domestic once belonging to this 
 man must strongly interest the feelings of humanity. Close 
 to the prison door of this unhappy wretch an old woman of 
 about seventy years of age has built a miserable shed, that 
 scarcely repels the common violence of the weather ; there 
 she resides, from pure motives of compassion to the prisoner. 
 She had been his nurse, and continues with him (at least, at 
 the time when Coxe travelled into the northern kingdoms), in 
 order to render him all the service which might happen to be 
 in her power. Such another instance of affection, says Mr. * 
 Coxe, is not to be met with ; for it must be absolutely disin- 
 terested, as the prisoner, considering the greatness of his 
 crime, can never have any hopes of being released, nor can 
 she ever expect any recompense but what she derives from 
 her own feelings. Mr. Coxe gave her a small piece of money, 
 and she immediately handed it to the prisoner. 
 
 A Gazetteer inserted in his paper, " Some say that Car- 
 dinal Mazarin is dead, others that he is still living ; as to me, 
 I believe neither the one nor the other." 
 9 
 
98 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF A MODERN GREEK. 
 
 The following anecdote helps to prove that even among 
 the present Greeks, in the gloomy day of servitude, the 
 remembrance of their ancient glory is not totally extinct. 
 
 When the late Mr. Anson (Lord Anson's brother) was 
 upon his travels in the East, he hired a vessel to visit the Isle 
 of Tenedos. His pilot, an old Greek, as they were sailing 
 along, said with some satisfaction, "There it was our fleet 
 lay!" Mr. Anson demanded, "What fleet?" "What 
 fleet ! " replied the old man, a little piqued at the question; 
 " why, our Grecian fleet at the siege of Troy." 
 
 In the battle of Monmouth, General Lee, who commanded 
 the advance of the American army, had beaten a retreat, and 
 met the intrepid Washington marching to his support w T ith 
 the whole line of the army. General Washington, with sur- 
 prise, immediately accosted him with, " What is the reason 
 of this extraordinary retreat?" " Sir," replied Lee, "your 
 troops will not fight British grenadiers." Washington im- 
 mediately retorted, " Sir, you never tried them.''' 
 
 A lady, who gave herself great airs of importance, on 
 being introduced to a gentleman for the first time, said, with 
 much cool indifference, " I think, sir, I have seen you some- 
 where" "Very likely," replied the gentleman, with equal 
 sang froid, "you may, ma'am, as J have been there very 
 often." 
 
 The more servants a man keeps, the more spies he has 
 upon his actions. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 99 
 
 IRISH LEARNING. 
 A number of gentlemen having visited a country school 
 in Ireland, the master, wishing to show off his scholars, and 
 also his own learning, called up one Mike Bryan, who was 
 his chief exhibition-boy. Mike appeared, clothed in some- 
 thing which had once been breeches, but which now served 
 no other end than to throw the spectator into a wilderness 
 of doubt as to the possibility, in case of Mike ever throwing 
 them off, of his ever again being able to find his way into 
 them. The master, after requesting this important pillar of 
 his establishment '-not to stand there making a looking- 
 glass of his sleeve, but to blow his nose and shut the door/' 
 desired him to spell " Constantinople." The boy really did 
 contrive, though with some difficulty, to get through this 
 mighty exercise ; when the rejoiced pedagogue, patting him 
 on the head, and calling him an American chief, turned round 
 to the visitors, and gravely remarked, " See what it is to 
 understand navigation ! " 
 
 EFFICACY OF A PUN. 
 A member of Parliament, having brought in a bill that 
 required an amendment, which was denied him by the house, 
 frequently repeated that " he thirsted to mend his bill." 
 At length another member rose and addressed the speaker, 
 humbly moving that, as the honorable member who spoke 
 last thirsted so very much, he might be allowed to mend his 
 draught" This put the house into good humor, and his 
 petition was granted. 
 
 The late witty Earl of Kelly, in the younger part of his 
 life, was terribly addicted to dissipation. One day his mother 
 
100 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 took him very severely to task for a debauch, and advised 
 him to profit by the example of a certain gentleman, "whose 
 constant food was vegetables, and his drink pure "water. 
 "What! madam." said his lordship, "do you "wish me to 
 imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks like a fish ? " 
 
 A smart fellow, thinking to show his wit one night at a 
 tavern, called to the drawer, " Here, Mercury, " said he, 
 "'take away this bottle full of emptiness." Said one of the 
 company, " Do you speak that, Jack, of your own head? " 
 
 DINNER-TIME. 
 
 In the war carried on by the Pope at the camp of Picene, 
 a general engagement became, from the position of the 
 armies, unavoidable. The cardinal went through the ranks 
 exhorting the papal troops to exertions for the honor and 
 states of the Holy See ; following this up with a complete 
 remission of all their sins, and concluding with an assurance 
 that such of them as died that day would dine with the 
 angels in heaven. After this seasonable harangue, his Emi- 
 nence was retiring, which a soldier observing, said to him, 
 "And you, my Lord Cardinal, won't you remain with us, 
 and go and dine in Paradise? " " My friend," answered the 
 cardinal, "I should gladly be of the party, but my dinner- 
 hour has not yet come, for I have no appetite." 
 
 The Duke of Richmond, being asked why he ordered a 
 captain's guard to mount on the kitchen, replied that he 
 wished to accustom the captains of the militia to stand fire. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 101 
 
 GRADATION OF LIQUORS. 
 Samuel Johnson, dining one day at Sir Joshua Reynolds', 
 said, " Claret for boys, port for men, brandy for heroes." 
 "Then," said Burke, "let me have claret; I love to be a 
 boy, and to have the careless gayety of boyish days." Though 
 Burke relished a cheerful glass, he did not exceed ; and did 
 not prefer strong wine. 
 
 RETALIATION. 
 
 An American General L was in company where 
 
 there were some few Scotch. After supper, when the wine 
 was Served up, the general rose, and addressed the company 
 in the following words : "Gentlemen, I must inform you, 
 that when I get a little groggish, I have an absurd custom 
 of railing against the Scotch ; I hope no gentleman in com- 
 pany will take it amiss."' With this, he sat down. Up starts 
 M , a Scotch officer, and, without seeming the least dis- 
 pleased, said, "Gentlemen, I, when I am a little groggish, 
 and hear any person railing against the Scotch, have an 
 absurd custom of kicking him out of the company ; I hope no 
 gentleman will take it amiss." It is superfluous to add that 
 that night he had no occasion to exert his talents. 
 
 SCOTCH DELIBERATION. 
 
 " Shoulder arms ! " exclaimed the captain, in a voice 
 intended to resemble thunder. But the execution of the order 
 was anything but simultaneous; and one man, it was ob- 
 served, was standing still at ease. Upon being challenged 
 by the captain why he had ,not shouldered along with the 
 rest, " What the de'il 's a' the haste ? " quoth he ; " canna ye 
 wait till a body tak a snuff? " 
 9* 
 
102 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 CHURCH CANDIDATES. 
 
 At a church in Scotland, where there was a popular call. 
 two candidates offered to preach, of the names of Adam and 
 Low. The last preached in the morning, and took for his 
 text, " Adam, where art thou V* He made a most excellent 
 discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the 
 evening Mr. Adam preached, and took for his text, " Lo, here 
 am I ! " The impromptu and his sermon gained him the 
 church. 
 
 A LACHRYMOSE MAJOR. 
 
 Before the accession of the late Duke of York to the 
 office of commander-in-chief, when the army abounded in 
 abuses of all kinds, children were sometimes gifted with com- 
 missions, in acknowledgment of the services of their fathers, 
 or for worse reasons. A late Scotch judge had a son who. 
 before he was eleven years of age, rose to the rank of major. 
 One morning, the mother of this valiant officer, hearing a 
 noise in the nursery, rang to know the cause of it. "It's 
 naething,*' answered the servant, "but the major greeting 
 (crying) for his parritch." 
 
 Sir George Lisle signalized himself upon many occasions 
 in the civil war during the reign of Charles I., particularly in 
 the last battle of Newbury, where, in the dusk of the even- 
 ing, he led his men to the charge in his shirt, that his person 
 might be more conspicuous. The king, who was an eye-wit- 
 ness of his bravery, knighted him on the field of battle. In 
 164S he rose for his majesty in Essex, and was one of the 
 royalists who so obstinately defended Colchester, and who 
 
OSE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 103 
 
 died in its defence. The brave man, having tenderly em- 
 braced the corpse of Sir Charles Lucas, his departed friend, 
 immediately presented himself to the soldiers, who were ready 
 for his execution. Thinking that they stood at too great a 
 distance, he desired them to come nearer. One of them said, 
 "I warrant you, sir, we shall hit you/' He replied, with a 
 smile, -'Friends, I have been nearer you, when you have 
 missed me.' ; 
 
 RECEIPT TO WRITE WELL. 
 
 Two Jesuits of the college of Port Eoyal called one day 
 on Rousseau, for the purpose of requesting him to disclose the 
 secret he seemed to possess, which enabled him to write upon 
 all subjects with such warmth and eloquence. "I have, in- 
 deed, one secret,'* answered Rousseau, "and I am sorry it is 
 not generally adopted by mankind : it is, never to speak that 
 which I do not think/'' 
 
 The following is an advertisement of Fleet, for the sale of 
 a negro woman. It is short and pithy, namely: " To be 
 sold by the printer of this paper, the very best negro woman 
 in this town, who has had the small-pox and the measles, is 
 as hearty as a horse, as brisk as a bird, and will work like a 
 beaver. :; 
 
 " Have you the " Lays of the Last Minstrel?" said a city 
 miss, addressing a young man who stood behind the counter 
 of a country store. " No, we haven't any o' them kind," 
 said the clerk; cc but we have good fresh hen's eggs, that we 
 can warrant were laid last week." 
 
104 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 HOWLET-FACE. 
 
 Robert Burns, being informed that a little girl, in the 
 company where he was, had been rudely designated "howlet- 
 face" by a gentleman present, on account of a certain disa- 
 greeable peculiarity in her visage, which reminded him of an 
 owl, he immediately wrote this verse, and handed it to the 
 person concerned : 
 
 " And did he ca' ye Howlet-face, 
 The vile, unseemly spectre ! 
 Your faee has been a looking-glass, 
 In which he 5 s seen his picture." 
 
 POLITICAL ECONOMY. 
 
 Shortly after the commencement of the last war, a tax 
 was laid on candles, which, as a Ricardo lecturer would 
 prove, made them dearer. A Scottish wife, in Greenock, 
 remarked to her chandler, Simon Macbeth, that the price was 
 raised, and asked why. "It's a' owin' to the war," said 
 Simon. "The war!" said the astonished matron; "gracious 
 me ! are they gaun to fight by cannel licht ? " 
 
 " Since time," says Goethe, "is not a person we can over- 
 take when he is past, let us honor him with mirth and cheer- 
 fulness of heart while he is passing." 
 
 Cicero calls gratitude the mother of virtues ; reckons it 
 as the most capital of all duties ; and uses the words -grateful 
 and good as synonymous terms, inseparably united in the 
 same character. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 105 
 
 A GOOD REASON, AND A FIXE COMPLIMENT. 
 
 Le Seur was employed by the Friars of Toulouse to make 
 a painting representing the temptation of our Lord in the 
 desert. The artist represented Satan in the habit of a friar. 
 The reverend fathers, extremely offended, made most violent 
 complaints to the painter, who answered them :: that the 
 enemy of the world could not have taken more likely means 
 to seduce our Lord Jesus Christ than by wearing the garb 
 of virtue." 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, who had been desired by his wife to make 
 a purchase for her at a milliner's, being requested by a friend 
 on his return to call in. begged to be excused from stopping, 
 as he had bought a bonnet for his wife, and was afraid the 
 fa sit ion would alter before he got home. 
 
 The Lacedemonians refused to send any deputies to the 
 assembly held at Corinth. Philip complained of their neg- 
 lect, with haughtiness, but only received the following an- 
 swer : "If you imagine yourself to be grown greater since 
 your victory, measure your shadow; you will find that it has 
 not lengthened a single inch.'' Philip, irritated, replied, 
 11 If I enter Laconia. I will drive you all out of the country.' 7 
 They returned him for answer the single word " If. : 
 
 
 In order to render yourself acceptable in society, correct 
 every appearance of harshness in behavior. Let that gen- 
 tleness distinguish your manners which springs, not so much 
 from trying to be polite, as from a mild and guileless heart. 
 
106 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ORIGIN OF THE WORD GROG. 
 
 The British sailors had always been accustomed to drink 
 their allowance of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon 
 ordered those under his command to mix it with water. This 
 innovation gave great offence to the sailors, and for a time 
 rendered the admiral extremely unpopular. The admiral at 
 that time wore a grogram coat ; for which reason, they nick- 
 named him Old Grog. And hence, by degrees, the mixed 
 liquor he constrained them to drink universally obtained 
 among them the appellation of grog. 
 
 GOOD WINE NEEDS NO BUSH. 
 
 Some of the friends of Vander Kabel, a famous Dutch 
 painter, observed to him that they had never heard any praises 
 but of his worst paintings. " True," answered he, " for the 
 best will always praise themselves." 
 
 A person reading a paragraph in the papers that a large 
 piece of land was washed away by an inundation, but that 
 the account was not fully confirmed, was stopped short by a 
 gentleman, who observed, "that if it was even true, there 
 was no ground for the report." 
 
 The grave is indeed hallowed when the grass of the church- 
 yard can cover all memory save that of love. We dwell on 
 every good gift of the lost one, as though no unworthy 
 thought could cross that little mound of earth, the barrier 
 between the two worlds. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 107 
 
 IRISH NATION. 
 
 There are different ways of conducting different nations ; 
 but the fairest and gentlest are generally the most easy. Sir 
 John Dalrymple says that he once asked the late Lord Har- 
 court, when Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, how he contrived to 
 carry all the points of government, and yet to be the favorite 
 of the people. He made this golden answer, " I never trick 
 the Irish." 
 
 WIT IN A HOBNAIL. 
 A proud parson and his man. riding over a common, saw 
 a shepherd tending his flock, in a new coat. The parson 
 asked, in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat. "The- 
 same people,' 7 said the shepherd, '-'that clothe you, — the 
 parish." 7 The parson, nettled a little, rode on murmuring a 
 considerable way, and sent his man back to ask the shepherd 
 if he would come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. 
 The man went to the shepherd accordingly, and delivered his 
 master's message, concluding that his master really wanted a 
 fool. ' : Are you going away, then? ;7 said the shepherd. 
 •• No," answered the other. " Then you may tell your mas- 
 ter. "'* replied the shepherd, " his living won't maintain three 
 of us.'' 
 
 HIGH STYLE. 
 
 The late Mr. Andrew B-lf— r, one of the judges in the 
 Commissary Court of Edinburgh, used to talk in a very pom- 
 pous and inflated style. Having made an appointment with 
 the late Hon. Henry Erskine, on some particular business, 
 and failing to attend, he apologized for it by telling the 
 learned barrister that his brother, the Laird of B-lb — nie, in 
 passing from one of his enclosures to another, had fallen 
 
108 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 down from the stile, and sprained his ankle. This trifling 
 accident he related in language highly pedantic and bombast- 
 ical. The witty advocate, with his usual vivacity, replied, 
 "It is very fortunate for your brother, Andrew, that it was 
 not from your style he fell, or he would have broken his 
 neck, instead of spraining his ankle! " 
 
 During the time the above gentleman presided in court, 
 his sister, Miss B-lf — r, happened to be examined as a wit- 
 ness in a cause then depending before the court, Andrew 
 began, in his pompous way, by asking, " Woman, what is thy 
 name ? what is thy age ? and where is thy usual place of 
 residence?" To which interrogatories Miss B-lf — r only 
 replied by staring him broad in the face ; when the questions 
 were again repeated, with all the grimace and pedantry he 
 was master of: which the lady observing, said, "Dear me, 
 Andrew, do ye no ken your ain sister?" To which the 
 judge answered, " Woman, when I sit in this court to admin- 
 ister justice, I know no one, — neither father nor mother, 
 sister nor brother ! " 
 
 DR. PARR. 
 
 Dr. Parr was not very delicate in the choice of his ex- 
 pressions, when heated by argument or contradiction. He 
 once called a clergyman a fool, who, indeed, was little bet- 
 ter. The clergyman said he would complain of this usage to 
 the bishop. "Do," said the doctor, "and my Lord Bishop 
 will confirm you." 
 
 Lieutenant S being extremely ill, and almost dead 
 
 for want of rest, it was thought expedient to give him an 
 opiate. Whilst it was preparing, his disorder being at a 
 crisis, he fell into a profound sleep. His friend and country- 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 109 
 
 man, Lieutenant A P -, who had attended him with 
 
 the most unremitting care, seeing the state he was in, shook 
 him violently by the shoulder, exclaiming, " Arrah, my good 
 friend, don't be after sleeping now, but wait till you have 
 taken your sleeping stuff! " 
 
 ANECDOTE OF GEORGE IT. 
 
 When' Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he pro- 
 posed a person to George II. as proper to fill a place of great 
 trust, but which the king himself was determined should be 
 filled by another. The council, however, resolved not to 
 indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent. It was 
 Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant of the office 
 for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty by ask- 
 ing him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged 
 to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to 
 have the blanks filled up. " With the devil's ! " replied the 
 king, in a paroxysm of rage. " And shall the instrument," 
 said the earl, coolly, " run as usual, — our trusty, well-beloved 
 cousin and counsellor?" — a repartee at which the king 
 laughed heartily, and with great good humor signed the grant. 
 
 WEST-INDIAN BEES. 
 A travelled man was descanting one day upon what he 
 had seen in his peregrinations. He was particularly impress- 
 ive on the largeness to which common reptiles and insects 
 grew in tropical climates. "In the West Indies," said he, 
 "bees are about the size of our sheep." "And how large 
 may the bee-hives be? " inquired one of the company. " 0, 
 about the ordinary size," said the traveller, without thinking 
 of the exaggerated size he had just ascribed to the tenants of 
 10 
 
110 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 these receptacles. " Then/' said the inquirer, " how do the 
 bees get into the hives? " " 0," replied the detected Mun- 
 chausen, " let the bees look to that ! " 
 
 A FAULT IN CANDLES. 
 
 Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he 
 hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said 
 he was very sorry to hear them complained of, as they were as 
 good as he could make. "Why," says Ralph, "they were 
 very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would 
 not burn any longer." 
 
 BEST BODY OF DIVINITY. 
 
 Parker, Bishop of Oxford, being asked by an acquaint- 
 ance what was the best body of divinity, answered, "That 
 which can help a man to keep a coach and six horses." 
 
 receiver as bad as the thief. 
 
 The motto which was inserted under the arms of William 
 Prince of Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was 
 " Non rapid sed recepi : " 
 
 " I did not steal, but I received." 
 
 This being shown to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic 
 smile, " The receiver is as bad as the thief." 
 
 An arch boy, having taken notice of his school-master's 
 often reading a chapter in the Corinthians, wherein is this 
 
ONE THOUSAND AXE 111 
 
 sentence. lf We shall all be changed in the twinkling of an 
 i tvately erased the letter c in the word changed. The 
 ;: time his master read it. " We shall all be hanged in 
 the twinkling of an eve/' 
 
 JUSTICE. 
 
 A French nobleman, who had been satirized bj Voltaire, 
 meeting the poet soon after, gave him a hearty drubbing. 
 The poet immediately flew to the Duke of Orleans, told him 
 how he had been used, and begged he would do him justice. 
 ■• Sir." replied the duke, with a significant smile, "it has 
 been done you already ! " 
 
 AKECDOTE OY ROCHEFOUCAULT. 
 
 B : : hit hfcauxTj the French Rochester of Louis the Four- 
 
 ath'a court, having offended the king, hired a dung-cart, 
 
 and, stripping himself quite naked, got up to the chin in it, 
 
 just as his majesty was passing through the streets of Paris 
 
 in state. The dung-cart man, as instructed, immediately 
 
 fell a wrangling with one of the king's postilions, which 
 
 S3 much noise that the king put his head out of 
 
 the window to know what was the matter. Rochefoucault 
 
 watched the opportunity, raised himself forward in the cart, 
 
 all bemired as he was. and, bowing very respectfully to his 
 
 Nothing at all. sire, but that your coachman and 
 
 mine have had a fracas together." 
 
 A late French paper states, among its anecdotes, that a 
 wefl-j in Paris recently married a youthful 
 
112 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 poet. After the wedding she took him aside, and, in a peni- 
 tential tone, begged his forgiveness for having deceived him 
 in declaring that her income amounted to two thousand dol- 
 lars a year. "And you haven't it?" asked the poet; 
 adding, after a moment, " Well, it 's of no consequence, don't 
 trouble your head about such trifles." " But you misunder- 
 stand me,' 7 said the bride; " I only misstated the amount — 
 it is twenty thousand ! " The account states that the poet 
 pardoned her. the other way, with equal facility. 
 
 EXTINCTION OF NOBILITY. 
 
 The celebrated physician, M. Marphoy, who set himself up 
 as a man of great importance, said that he ranked none but 
 people of quality among his patients ; and, as two of noble 
 birth had lately died under his hands, some one said, " If we 
 leave hun alone, he will render this country like Switzerland, 
 — he will exterminate all the nobility." 
 
 SINGULAR TASTE. 
 
 One particularity of Bayle is very singular. This great 
 genius could not resist the desire he felt to see rope-dancing. 
 Whenever any was to be seen at the Hague, or at Rotterdam, 
 he muffled himself up in his cloak, ran to see it, like a child, 
 and never quitted the spectacle till the last. 
 
 A poor Irishman applied at the church-warden's office, at 
 Manchester, for relief, and upon some doubt being ^expressed 
 as to whether he was a proper object for parochial relief, he 
 enforced his suit with much earnestness. " Och. ver honor." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 113 
 
 said he, " sure I'd be starved long since, but for my cat." 
 " But for what 1 " asked the astonished interrogator. " My 
 cat, ' ' rejoined the Irishman. ' ' Your cat ! how so ? " " Sure, 
 yer honor, I sould her eleven times for sixpence a time, and 
 she was always home before I'd get there myself." 
 
 When the mother of the late King of Spain was on her 
 road to Madrid, she passed through a little town in Spain, 
 famous for the manufacturing of gloves and stockings. The 
 honest magistrates of the place thought they could not better 
 express their joy for the reception of the new queen than by 
 presenting her with a sample of those commodities for which 
 alone their town was remarkable. The major domo who 
 conducted the queen received the gloves very graciously ; but 
 when the stockings were presented, he flung them away, with 
 great indignation, and severely reprimanded the magistrates 
 for this egregious piece of indecency. "Know," says he, 
 "that a queen of Spain has no legs." The poor young 
 queen, who at that time understood the language but very 
 imperfectly, and had been often frightened with stories of 
 Spanish jealousy, imagined they were going to cut off her 
 legs ; upon which she fell a crying, and begged them to con- 
 duct her back to Germany, for that she never would endure 
 that operation ; — and it was with some difficulty they could 
 appease her. Philip IV., it is said, never in his life laughed 
 heartily but at the recital of that story. 
 
 An officer was defending himself before Sir Sidney Smith, 
 for not having attacked a certain post, because he had con- 
 sidered it inattackable. " Sir," said the gallant chief, 
 " that word is not English." 
 10* 
 
114 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 INSTANCE OF A CONTEMPT OF PAIN. 
 
 Mr. Meares, in speaking of the natives of Prince Wil- 
 liam's Sound, says, " They are certainly a very savage race 
 of people, and possess an uncommon degree of insensibility 
 to corporal pain. Of this we had a very singular proof on 
 the following occasion. In the course of the winter, among 
 other rubbish, several broken glass bottles had been thrown 
 out of the ship, and one of the natives, who was searching 
 among them to see what he could find, cut his foot in a very 
 severe manner. On seeing it bleed, we pointed out what had 
 caused the wound, and applied a dressing to it, which we 
 made him understand was the remedy we ourselves employed 
 on similar occasions. But he and his companions instantly 
 turned the whole into ridicule ; and, at the same time, taking 
 some of the glass, they scarified their legs and arms in a most 
 extraordinary manner, informing us that nothing of that kind 
 could ever hurt them," 
 
 When a noted state Criminal was tried at Edinburgh for 
 sedition, the Lord Justice Clark asked him, " Hae ye ony 
 coonsel, mon? 77 u No." u Do you want to hae ony ap- 
 pointed? " " I only want an interpreter, to make me under- 
 stand what your lordship says. 7 ' 
 
 Lord Kelly once asking one of your gentle shepherds 
 for a toast, he gave " Mirth and Innocence. 77 The next toast 
 being his lordship's, he gave " Milk and Water. 77 
 
 A picture of a certain divine, well known by the nick-name 
 of Snake, having appeared at one of the exhibitions of the 
 
0XE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 115 
 
 Royal Academy, the following pungent paragraph, published 
 in a morning paper. was made the subject of a prosecution in 
 the Court of King's Bench, when Lord Mansfield observed 
 that he should be apt to excuse the libel for the sake of the 
 wit : 
 
 "An artist admires the picture of the reverend Parson 
 Snake, in the exhibition, where he is drawn at full length in 
 a beautiful landscape, with a large tree, and attended with his 
 faithful Fidel. He thinks, however, the tree wants execu- 
 tion , and that the painter has not done justice to the dog." 
 
 ANECDOTE OF THE CELEBRATED GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS. 
 
 Gustavus entered the town of Mew in the evening, extol- 
 ling the fidelity of the inhabitants and bravery of the garrison 
 to the highest degree, and allowing no man's good services to 
 pass by unrewarded. In the hurry and confusion of this con- 
 flict, Gustavus fell twice into the enemy's hands. How he 
 escaped the first time, cannot well be ascertained. He was 
 extricated a second time by the admirable presence of mind 
 of a Swedish horseman, who, to conceal his majesty's rank, 
 cried out to the Polanders, "Have a care of yourselves, for 
 we will rescue our brother ! " The king had three or four 
 companions at his elbow. This task he performed in an 
 instant. Xot long afterwards, Gustavus perceived his deliv- 
 erer made prisoner ; and, putting himself at the head of five 
 or six cavaliers, brought him off triumphantly. "Now,' 3 
 said he, ;; brother-soldier, we are upon equal terms : the obli- 
 gation is become reciprocal/' 
 
 So it is. — Masters are generally the greatest servants in 
 the house. 
 
116 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A DOVETAILER OF SERMONS. 
 
 The Rev. Dr. B was what is commonly termed '*a 
 
 popular preacher;" not, however, by drawing on his own 
 stores, but by the knack which he possessed of appropriating 
 the thoughts and language of other great divines, who had 
 gone before him, to his own use ; and, by a skilful splicing 
 and dovetailing of passages, so as to make a whole. Fortu- 
 nately for him, those who composed his audience were not 
 deeply skilled in pulpit lore, and with such he passed for a 
 wonder of erudition. It happened, however, that the doctor 
 was detected in his literary larcenies. One Sunday, a grave 
 old gentleman seated himself close to the pulpit, and listened 
 with profound attention. The doctor had scarcely finished 
 his third sentence, before the old gentleman said, loud enough 
 to be heard by those near him, " That's Sherlock." The 
 doctor frowned, but went on. He had not proceeded much 
 further, when his grave auditor broke out with, " That's 
 Tillotson." The doctor bit his lips, and paused, but again 
 went on. At a third exclamation of, " That's Blair," the 
 doctor lost all patience, and, leaning over the side of the pul- 
 pit, '-Fellow," he cried, " if you do not hold your tongue, 
 you shall be turned out." Without altering a muscle, the 
 old cynic, looking the doctor full in the face, says, " That's 
 his own." 
 
 HONORS GENEALOGICAL. 
 
 At the reception of Marshal Luxemburgh in Parliament, 
 a dispute upon the subject of precedency arose between him 
 and the Dukes of Gesores and Villeroi. The lawyer who 
 pleaded the marshal's cause said merely, "'Tis very sur- 
 prising, gentlemen, that the descendants of two notaries, who 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 117 
 
 have formerly signed the contract of marriage of Marshal 
 Luxemburgh's great-grandfather; should at this day dispute 
 with him the point of precedency." He justified the asser- 
 tion by producing the contract, with the signatures. 
 
 A SAYING CLAUSE. 
 
 The Count de Charolois, prince of the blood, was famous 
 for the ferocity of his manners. In his youth he took a 
 dreadful and barbarous pleasure in killing a man, as children 
 do in crushing a fly. But, when he went to ask his pardon, 
 he always represented the murder as the effect of an unlucky 
 mischance, or of necessity. On one of these occasions, when 
 the king (Louis XV.) was giving him his pardon, he said to 
 him, c: Here it is ; but I declare to you, at the same time, that 
 I have a pardon ready for any one who shall kill you." 
 
 FIEST niPRESSIONS. 
 
 C. J. Fox, when fourteen years of age, was carried by his 
 father, just created Lord Holland, to Spain, and was allowed 
 five guineas a night for a faro-bank, — an allowance which 
 generated his propensity for gaming. 
 
 " John," said a traveller to a farmer's boy, who was hoe- 
 ing in the field, : 'your corn is very small." "Yes, we 
 planted the small kind." '-'But it looks dwarfish and yel- 
 low." " Yes, we planted the yellow sort." " I mean you 
 will not have half a crop, — do you understand me ? " '* 0, 
 yes, I understand; we don't expect to, for we planted on 
 the shares." 
 
118 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 REGRET AT PARTING. 
 
 The President de Maisons happened to die at the time of 
 his appointment to the employment of attorney-general. 
 Penetrated with regret, his last words were, " Must one die 
 at the eve of being invested with the highest employments? " 
 
 THE SWIMMING CHALLENGE. 
 
 A second Leander has made his appearance in the shape 
 of a German, who says he is "but a looker-on here in Vi- 
 enna/' and is anxious, like Commodore Stevens, for a little 
 nautical exercise with any John Bull who feels disposed to 
 swim with him from Dover to Calais, for two, three, or four 
 thousand dollars. This German Leander differs from his 
 Grecian prototype in more particulars than one. The swim- 
 ming feat of the latter was "all for love; " but a check on 
 the London banker is the hero that attracts the other. The 
 width, too, of the Hellespont, though it stretches from Eu- 
 rope to Asia, is but a mile and a half across at its widest 
 part, and only half a mile at its narrowest, while the distance 
 from Dover to Calais is twenty-one long miles. Byron 
 rivalled Leander, and is his own hero of the tale; but he 
 who floats from France to England had better be a Cork man 
 than a German cousin to anything short of a steamer. 
 
 ANECDOTES OF ROMAN LUXURY. 
 
 Q. Hortensius had the honor of being the first Roman 
 that introduced the peacock to the table, as a great dainty, 
 in a magnificent feast which he made on his being created 
 Augur. The price of a peacock, says Arbuthnot, page 129, 
 
0NE THOUSAND ANECDOTE8. 119 
 
 was fifty denarii. — that is, one pound twelve shillings three- 
 pence. A flock of one hundred was sold at a much dearer 
 rate, for three hundred and twenty-two pounds eighteen shil- 
 lings fourpence. of our money. M. Aufidius Lurco, accord- 
 ing to Yarro, used to make every year, of his peacocks, four 
 hundred and eighty-four pounds seven shillings sixpence. 
 
 Juvenal speaks of a fish called the mullus (which is sup- 
 posed to be what the French and we call sounnoiiellei), bought 
 for forty-eight pounds eight shillings ninepence. Accord- 
 ing to Macrobius, there was paid for another fifty-seven 
 pounds ten shillings one penny. For a third, according to 
 Pliny, sixty-four pounds eleven shillings eightpence. Our 
 age is as yet unacquainted with the niceness of the ancients 
 in weighing their fishes at table, and beholding them expire. 
 The death of a mullus, with the variety and change of colors 
 in its last moments, was reckoned one of the most entertain- 
 ing spectacles in the world by the men of taste at Rome. 
 
 "TWIT, TWIT, TWIT!" 
 
 '•'Twit, twit, twit, eh? — yes, I'll soon twit yon!" A" 
 gentleman fond of gunning, but who was a poorer marksman 
 than those who are generally fond of the sport, got the loan 
 of an excellent pointer. The dog, nothing loth, ranged, 
 quickly formed, and stood steadily. Up walked our gentle- 
 man gunner. "Twit, twit, twit," went the birds; bang, 
 bang, went the gun, and away the birds flew. The dog gave 
 a significant look at his companion, as much as to say, " You 
 must mend this." < : Twit, twit," went the birds, and off 
 went the gun. Again and again, with no better effect than 
 at first, the dog watched the flight of the birds till out of 
 
120 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 sight. He then gave the gentleman a most expressive look 
 of contempt, and trotted home to his master. 
 
 DR. BUTLER. 
 
 Dr. Butler was a man of peculiar manners. Being sent 
 for to a lady's house, the lady desired a servant to ask him 
 ■what he would have for supper. " A roasted horse,' 7 said 
 the doctor. The man stared, and vanished; but, turning 
 upon the stairs, soon reappeared, and said to the reverend 
 divine, " Sir, will you please to have a pudding in his belly?" 
 Butler, laughing, said, " Thou hast a pudding of wit in thy 
 head, and I like thee well. But why ask me what I choose 
 for supper ? I came here to give advice, and not to eat. I 
 shall eat as the rest." 
 
 SINCERITY. 
 
 On the discovery of the conspiracy against him, King 
 William treated the framers of it with great generosity. Sev- 
 eral of the Scotch nobility had been seized, but orders were 
 given to set them at liberty, if they would give their words 
 of honor not to disturb the government. Lord Arran, with 
 that undaunted spirit which sprang from the blood of the great 
 families of Douglas and Hamilton united in his person, refused 
 to give his word, " because," he said, "he was sure he could 
 not keep it." 
 
 In May, 1784, a bill intending to limit the privilege of 
 franking was sent from the Parliament of Ireland for the 
 royal approbation. In it was a clause enacting that any 
 member who, from illness or other cause, should be unable to 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 121 
 
 write, might authorize another person to frank for him, pro- 
 vided that, on the back of the letter so franked, the member 
 gave a certificate, under his hand, of his inability to write. 
 
 FOR BACHELORS. 
 
 In a late work on suicide it is said that marriage is, to a 
 certain extent, a prevention of suicide. It has been satisfac- 
 torily established that, among men, two-thirds that destroy 
 themselves are bachelors ! 
 
 VERY GOOD. 
 
 The New Orleans Times, speaking of the little birds, says, 
 " How happy must they be ! They find their subsistence in a 
 thousand ways, and are never happier than when eggs are 
 high:' 
 
 An Irish drummer, who now and then indulged in a 
 noggin of right good potten, was accosted by the reviewing 
 general, iC What makes your nose so red? 7 ' ( *Plase yer 
 honor," replied Pat, "I always blush when I spake to a 
 general officer." 
 
 A gentleman being at a church, had his pocket picked of 
 his watch ; and, complaining of it to a friend of his, he re- 
 plied, "Had you watched as well as prayed, your watch had 
 been secure. But the next watch you carry about you, 
 remember these lines : 
 
 8 He that a watch would wear, this he must do, 
 Pocket his watch, and watch his pocket too.' " 
 11 
 
122 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A person who dined in company with Dr. Johnson en- 
 deavored to make his court to him by laughing immoderately 
 at everything he said. The doctor bore it for some time with 
 philosophical indifference ; but the impertinent ha, ha, ha ! 
 becoming intolerable, " Pray, sir," said the doctor, " what is 
 the matter ? I hope I have not said anything that you can 
 comprehend." 
 
 " We talked," says Boswell, " of the education of children, 
 and I asked what he thought was best to teach them first." 
 Johnson. — " Sir, it is no matter what you teach them first, 
 any more than what leg you shall put into your breeches 
 first. Sir, you may stand disputing which is best to put in 
 first, but in the mean time your breech is bare. Sir, while 
 you are considering which of two things you should teach 
 your child first, another boy has learned them both." 
 
 An Englishman and a Welshman disputing in whose coun- 
 try was the best living, said the Welshman, "There is such 
 noble house-keeping in Wales, that I have known about a 
 dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner." " Ay," 
 answered the Englishman; "that was because every man 
 toasted his own cheese." 
 
 On the master tailors and their journeymen going to law, 
 a gentleman observed that the suits with which these worthies 
 thus furnish each other will probably last longer than any 
 they ever supplied their customers with, if the observation of 
 the learned Daniel Burgess be true, that a law suit is a suit 
 for life. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTE.-. 123 
 
 HANGING TOGETHER. 
 A Scotch clergyman, in the great rebellion, said in his 
 prayer, " Lord, bless the Grand Council the Parliament, and 
 grant they may all hang together.' 7 A country fellow stand- 
 ing by said, "Amen, with all my heart, and the sooner the 
 better; and I am sure 'tis the prayer of all good people ! " 
 "Friends," says Mess John, "I don't mean as that fellow 
 means ; but pray that they may all hang together in accord 
 and concord." " No matter what cord," answered the rustic, 
 "so 'tis but a strong cord ! " 
 
 The desire of gain will sometimes inspire with dishonest 
 cunning an illiterate savage. After a successful attack on 
 the royal party, in 1745, a Highlander had gained a watch, 
 as his share of the spoils of the vanquished. Unacquainted 
 with its use, he listened with equal surprise and pleasure to 
 the ticking sound with which his new acquisition amused 
 him ; after a few hours, however, the watch was clown, the 
 noise ceased, and the dispirited owner, looking on the toy no 
 longer with any satisfaction, determined to conceal the mis- 
 fortune which had befallen it, and to dispose of it to the first 
 person who offered him a trifle in exchange. He soon met 
 with a customer; but, at parting, he could not conceal his 
 triumph, and exultingly exclaimed, "Why, she died last 
 night!" 
 
 Two Irishmen one day a-gunning, a large flock of pigeons 
 came flying over their heads. Patrick, elevating his piece 
 and firing, brought one of them to the ground. " Arrah ! " 
 exclaimed his companion, " what a fool are you to waste your 
 ammunition, when the bare fall would have killed him ! " 
 
124 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ELWES, THE MISER. 
 
 The eldest son of Elwes, the celebrated miser, having fallen 
 down with a ladder when pulling some grapes, had the pre- 
 caution to go into the village to the barber and get bled. On 
 his return, he was asked where he had been, and what was 
 the matter with his arm. He told his father what had hap- 
 pened, and that he had got bled. " Bled ! " said the old gen- 
 tleman ; " but what did you give ? " " A shilling," answered 
 the boy. "Psha!" returned the father, " you are a block- 
 head; never part with your blood" 
 
 Elwes had two country-seats, the one in Suffolk and the 
 other in Berkshire ; of these he gave the preference to the 
 former, because his journey from town thither cost him two- 
 pence-half-penny, that into Berkshire amounted to fourpence. 
 At this time he was worth eight hundred thousand pounds. 
 
 A GOOD TOAST. 
 
 The following characteristic toast was given at an agricul- 
 tural dinner, by Thomas G. Fessenden, Esq., editor of the 
 New England Farmer : 
 
 " The battle of the Cowpens: May Americans ahoays 
 beat in Cow pens, Calf pens, Sheep pens, Pig pens, 
 Authors' 1 pens, and all other pens." 
 
 A gentleman lying on his death-bed called to his coach- 
 man, who had been an old servant, and said, " Ah! Tom, I 
 am going a long and rugged journey, worse than ever you 
 drove me." " 0, dear sir," replied the fellow (he having 
 been an indifferent master), "never let that discourage you. 
 for it is all down hill." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 125 
 
 HENRY, PRINCE OF CONDE. 
 Tins prince, father of the great Conde, wishing privately 
 to mortgage his estate of Muret, went incognito to an adjacent 
 village, where lived one Arnoul, a notary. The notary was 
 at dinner, and his wife waited without in the hall till he had 
 dined. The prince inquired for Arnoul ; the woman answered, 
 in her patois, "Arnoul is at dinner; sit you down on the 
 bench there ; when Arnoul is at dinner, not a soul can speak 
 with him, i' faith." The prince patiently sat down, waiting 
 the event of Arnoul' s dinner. "When it was ended, he was 
 introduced; the notary drew out the writing, leaving the 
 names blank ; and, having read it aloud, asked the prince 
 (whom he did not know either in person or as proprietor of 
 the estate) his name and designation. "They are short," 
 answered the client; "put Henry of Bourbon, Prince of 
 Conde, First Prince of the Blood, Lord of Muret." Guess 
 the poor notary's amazement ! Throwing himself on his 
 knees, he begged pardon for his ignorance. The prince raised 
 him, saying, "Fear nothing, my worthy friend. Arnoul was 
 at dinner, you know." The story spread, and became a pro- 
 vincial proverb, when one did not choose to be disturbed by 
 an intrusion, — "'Arnoul is at dinner." 
 
 A French officer, more remarkable for his birth and spirit 
 than his riches, had served the Venetian republic with great 
 valor and fidelity for some years, but had not met with pre- 
 ferment adequate, by any means, to his merits. One day, he 
 waited on an " illustrissimo " whom he had often solicited in 
 vain, but on whose friendship he had still some reliance. The 
 reception he met with was cool and mortifying ; the noble 
 turned his back on the necessitous veteran, and left him to 
 11* 
 
126 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 find his way to the street through a suite of apartments inag- * 
 nificently furnished. He passed them, lost in thought, till, 
 casting his eyes on a sumptuous sideboard, where stood, on a 
 damask cloth, as a preparation for a showy entertainment, an 
 invaluable collection of Venice glass, polished and formed to 
 the highest degree of perfection, he took hold of a corner of 
 the linen, and, turning to a faithful English mastiff who 
 always accompanied him, said to the animal, in a kind of 
 absence of mind, " There, my poor old friend ! you see how 
 these scoundrels enjoy themselves, and yet how we are 
 treated ! " The poor dog looked up in his master's face, and 
 wagged his tail, as if he understood him. The master walked 
 on, but the mastiff slackened his pace, and, laying hold of 
 the damask cloth with his teeth, at one hearty pull brought 
 all the sideboard in shivers to the ground, and deprived the 
 insolent noble of his favorite exhibition of splendor. 
 
 COALS TO NEWCASTLE. 
 
 The chief apprehension of the Duke of Newcastle (the 
 minister) was that of catching cold. Often, in the heat of 
 summer, the debates in the House of Lords would stand still 
 till some window were shut, in consequence of the duke's 
 orders. The peers would all be melting in sweat, that the 
 duke might not catch cold. 
 
 When Sir Joseph Yorke was ambassador at the Hague, a 
 curious instance happened of this idle apprehension. The 
 late king going to Hanover, the duke must go with him, that 
 his foes might not injure him in his absence. The day they 
 svere to pass the sea, a messenger came, at five o'clock in the 
 morning, and drew Sir Joseph's bed-curtains. Sir Joseph, 
 starting, asked what was the matter. The man said he came 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 127 
 
 from the Duke of Newcastle. " For God's sake/' exclaimed 
 Sir Joseph, < : what is it 7 Is the king ill ?" " No." After 
 eral fruitless questions, the messenger at length said, " The 
 duke sent me to see you in bed, for in this bed he means to 
 sleep.'' 
 
 RIGHT CONJECTURE. 
 
 A buck parson, going to read prayers at a village in the 
 west of England, found some difficulty in putting on the sur- 
 plice. "D — n this surplice!" said he to the clerk; " I 
 think the devil is in it." Amen, astonished, waited till the 
 parson had got it on, and then answered, :i I think as how he 
 
 WALKING BY FAITH. 
 
 A person saying that he would not believe there was any 
 devil, because he had never seen him, was answered by 
 another, ''By the same rule, I should believe you to have 
 neither wit nor sense." 
 
 A GOOD EXCUSE. 
 
 The judges of the Court of Session, in case of their being 
 unable to attend, always send an excuse to the Lord Presi- 
 dent. On one occasion, when Lord Stonefield sent an apolo- 
 getic note, Lord Eraxfield asked the president, in his broad 
 dialect, "What excuse can a stout fellow like him hae'7" 
 "My lord," answered the president, "he has lost his wife." 
 "Lost his wife ! " exclaimed Braxfield, whose connubial lot 
 was not the most happy ; " that is a good excuse, truly: I 
 wish we had a' the same ! " 
 
128 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 CAUSE AND EFFECT. 
 
 Two gentlemen happening to meet, the one observed, " So 
 
 our friend , the attorney, is dead." "Yes, and I 
 
 hear he left very few effects P "It could not be otherwise; 
 he had very few causes" 
 
 EXTREMELY POLITE. 
 
 A good story is told of a sheriff who came near being out- 
 done by a person it was in the line of his duty to hang. 
 " Sir," said the gentleman, a3 the sheriff was carefully ad- 
 justing the rope, " really, your attentions deserve my thanks. 
 In fact, I do not know of one I should rather have hang me." 
 "Really," said the sheriff, "you are pleased to be compli- 
 mentary. I do not know of another individual it would give 
 me so much pleasure to hang." 
 
 A gentleman of the bar in Ireland walking one day 
 with a friend, who was extremely precise in pronunciation, 
 the latter hearing a person near him say curosityiov curi- 
 osity ', exclaimed, "How that fellow murders the English 
 language ! " " Not so bad," said the other ; "he has only 
 knocked an /out." 
 
 In a remote part of Bavaria, Bayard Taylor stopped for 
 breakfast at an inn, where there was a young man who was 
 to start the next morning, an emigrant to New York. They 
 plied our friend with questions ; but what most troubled the 
 youth's father was, " the fact he had heard that no one was 
 allowed to sit down in an American inn, but each one must 
 drink his beer standing, and immediately walk out." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 129 
 
 In the Limerick paper, an Irish gentleman, whose lady 
 had absconded from him, thus cautions the public against 
 trusting her : " My wife has eloped from me without rhyme 
 or reason, and I desire no one to trust her on my account, 
 for I am not married to her ! ?? 
 
 Pyrrho, the head of the sect called after his name, asserted 
 that there was no difference between life and death. Some 
 person, in ridicule of this absurd position, asked Pyrrho why 
 he did not die, as life and death were the same. " For that 
 very reason,'' replied he, "because there is no difference 
 between the two states.' 3 
 
 Several of the British dames are very fond of the Trafal- 
 gar garter, on which is inscribed the memorable signal, "Eng- 
 land expects every man will do his duty.*' 
 
 A certain noted physician at Bath was lately complaining 
 in a coffee-house in that city that he had three fine daughters, 
 to whom he should give ten thousand pounds each, and yet 
 that he could find nobody to marry them. "With your lave, 
 doctor/"' said an Irishman who was present, stepping up and 
 making a very respectful bow, "I'll take two of them ! " 
 
 A country actor, performing the part of Richmond in the 
 tragedy of Richard III., had the misfortune to find his mem- 
 ory completely fail when he had reached the words, "'Thus 
 far into the bowels of the land have we marched on without 
 
130 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 impediment." After having repeated these words several 
 times, the audience testified their displeasure by a general 
 hiss, when, coming forward, he thus addressed them : " Ladies 
 and gentlemen, thus far into the bowels of the land have we 
 marched on without impediment, and I declare I cannot get 
 any farther." 
 
 "But, as I said before, we have proved to you where 
 that town-line is. Yes, gentlemen of the jury, there it is, 
 and there it will remain forever ; and all the ingenuity of my 
 learned brother can never efface it — can never wash it out. 
 No, gentlemen, he may plant one foot on the utmost verge 
 of the outermost ring of the planet Saturn, and plant the 
 other on Arcturus, and seize the Pleiades by the hair and 
 wring them till they are dry, but he cannot wash out that 
 town-line." 
 
 The following is a copy of a joiner's bill for jobbing in a 
 Catholic church in Bohemia: " For solidly repairing St. 
 Joseph, 4id. ; for cleansing and ornamenting the Holy Ghost, 
 9d. ; for repairing the Virgin Mary, before and behind, and 
 making her a child, 5s. ; for furnishing a nose for the devil, 
 putting a horn on his head, and gluing a piece to his tail, 
 4s. 6d" 
 
 BACK AGAIN. 
 
 A poor fellow in Scotland, creeping through the hedge of 
 an orchard, with an intention to rob it, was seen by the owner, 
 who called out to him, " Sawney, hoot man, where are you 
 gangin' ? " " Back again" said Sawney. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 131 
 
 HORRIBLE INSTANCE OF REVENGEFUL JEALOUSY. 
 
 The Marchioness of Astorgass, who lived in the time of 
 Charles the Second, King of Spain, suspected the fidelity of 
 her husband. Having discovered that he had engaged in an 
 amour with a young lady distinguished almost beyond the 
 rest of her sex by the graces of her person and the beauties 
 of her countenance, she flew at once to this unfortunate ob- 
 ject of her resentment, murdered her, tore out her heart, and 
 then, returning home, had it served up among the dishes at 
 the table of her husband. When he had eaten of it, she 
 asked him whether the dish she had purposely prepared for 
 him proved agreeable to his palate. He answered that he had 
 found it delicious. "At this," said she, "I am not sur- 
 prised, for it is the heart of the woman whom you so much 
 adored." Scarcely had she uttered these words, when, taking 
 from a cabinet the bloody head of this devoted victim to her 
 jealousy, she rolled it along the table at which her husband 
 and several of his friends were sitting. Availing herself of 
 the first moments, in which they remained motionless and as- 
 tonished at the horror of the scene, the marchioness instantly 
 disappeared, took refuge in a convent, and there, becoming 
 a lunatic, expired under an agony of mind too shocking to 
 admit of a description. 
 
 WISDOM CONCEALED. 
 
 Two men conversing, one asked the other what was the 
 reason men were afraid, some of one thing, and some of an- 
 other. The other said he did not know, but he was more 
 afraid of a dog than he was of a man ; and, turning to Mr. 
 Broughton (seeing him very serious), asked him the same 
 question. Seeing their sportive intentions. Mr. Broughton 
 
132 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 replied, "The reasons are easily assigned; man can be rea- 
 soned with, but not a dog." They lowered their lofty mas- 
 tiff tails, and went their way, saying, " He is a man of sound 
 intellect." 
 
 A MATRIMONIAL PAIR OF ANECDOTES OF CONJUGAL 
 AFFECTION. 
 
 As an old man of the name of Michael Young, who lived 
 at the bottom of the West Lomond Hill in Fife, was breath- 
 ing his last, his wife, somewhat tired with her long vigils 
 over his latter illness, breathed the following affectionate hints 
 into his ear: "Be wearin, Michaelie; be wearin (going). 
 Ye ken the candle 's wastin, and the folks wearyin. Be 
 wearin, Michaelie, my man." 
 
 The wife of a small farmer in Aberdeenshire having been 
 long confined to bed before the time when her last moment 
 approached, the husband, who was of a very niggardly disposi- 
 tion, at length grudged to let her have so much as a light by 
 the side of her bed. One night, when in this dark condition, 
 she exclaimed, " 0, isna this an unco thing, that a puir body 
 can get nae licht to see to die wi' ! " The husband instantly 
 rose up, lighted a candle, and, bringing it forward hastily to 
 the bottom of the bed, said, " There, die now ! " 
 
 DELICATE CONSCIENCE. 
 
 Duncan M'Iver, a Highland clergyman, having raised 
 what is called an action for augmentation of stipend before 
 the Court of Sessions, thought proper next Sunday to apolo- 
 gize to his parishioners for what he had done, in the following 
 manner : "In the day of joodgment, the gude Lord '11 say 
 to me, 'Wha's this ye hae wi' ye the cloy, Duncan? Ye 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 133 
 
 hae mony ane there, Duncan.' Then I '11 pe say to the gude 
 Lord, ' They 're a' your ain pairns, I hae brought up for ye, 
 gude Lord.' He '11 pe say, 'That's weel dune, Duncan; 
 they '11 nae doubt hae paid ye weel for that ? ' But I r ll joost 
 gie a fidge, and draw up my shuthers ; for Duncan M'lver 
 disna like to tell lies." 
 
 APPLICATION OF SCRIPTURE. 
 
 Pope Innocent the XL was the son of a banker. He 
 was elected on the day of St. Matthew ; and from that day, 
 Pasquin says, — il Invenerunt hominem sedentnm in telo- 
 nio!" — '-They found the men sitting at the seat of ex- 
 change." 
 
 One day, Lord Kelly, whose frequent sacrifices to Bac- 
 chus produced a rubicund nose that would have done honor to 
 Bardolph himself, called on Mr. Foote, at his villa at Fulham. 
 " 0, Kelly," says the wag, " I am very glad you are come. 
 My peaches are very backward; do, for God's sake, hold 
 your nose over them for two or three hours ! " 
 
 An Irishman (according to Sir Jonas Barrington), having 
 been wounded in the side in a duel, was asked to describe 
 the sensation caused by the stroke of the pistol-bullet, "It 
 felt," said the wounded man, '-as if I had been punched by 
 the mainmast of a seventy-four." 
 
 A certain auctioneer, having become an innkeeper, and 
 soon after being thrown into prison, the following paragraph 
 12 
 
134 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 respecting him appeared in the morning papers : " Mr. . 
 
 who lately left the pulpit for the bar, is now promoted to the 
 benchP 
 
 PARIS NEWS COURIER. 
 
 At the time of the disputes between the Jesuits and the 
 Jansenists, a paper entitled Ecclesiastical Neios was par- 
 ticularly distinguished for wit and delicacy, as much as bit- 
 terness, irony, and satire. For the space of two years all 
 the vigilance of the Paris police was in vain exerted to come 
 at its authors and distributors. A wager was laid with M. 
 Herault, lieutenant of the police, that this should get into 
 Paris, at such a turnpike, on such a day, and at such an 
 hour, and yet that it should escape the vigilance of the police 
 clerks. In fact, agreeably to these conditions, and especially 
 at the appointed place, a man makes his appearance, who is 
 stopped, and searched with the greatest strictness, but in 
 vain. No notice was taken of a shagged dog he had along 
 with him, and who was trained to this business. It was a 
 common dog, who, under his coat, thick set with hair, carried 
 a number of these light papers. The magistrate laughed at 
 the trick, and owned himself outwitted. At length, he was 
 more fortunate ; one of the printers was discovered. This 
 incident did not put a stop to the publication ; the concur- 
 rence of the Parliament of Paris and the archbishop to 
 destroy it made the publication revive. 
 
 AN ECCENTRIC DIVINE. 
 
 Some years since there resided in R an eccentric but 
 
 most worthy divine of the Baptist persuasion, by the name of 
 Driver, — yet more familiarly known by the name of Tom 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 135 
 
 Driver, — who loved a good joke, no matter whom it hit, pro- 
 vided it wounded not too deeply. One day, while returning 
 from a visit to a brother clergyman of an adjacent town, 
 meeting a man with an exceedingly poor yoke of oxen, and 
 an unusually large load of hay, which was so deeply in the 
 mire that the united efforts of the cattle could not start it 
 from its position, he accosted him with, "Well, friend, what 
 is the matter?" " Matter enough; I'm in the mud, and 
 can't get out." " Your oxen are too lean for such a load. 
 You should give them more to eat, for you know T that the 
 Bible says, ' Whoso giveth to the poor lendeth to the Lord.' " 
 The farmer replied that that was not the reason. " Well, 
 what is it, then?" asked the divine. "Why, they are just 
 
 like the North Baptist Church at R ," replied the farmer, 
 
 pettishly; "they want a darned sight better Driver than 
 they 've got now." 
 
 An ignorant person applied to a gentleman to be his bailiff 
 on a farm ; and, willing to convey an idea of his skill in the 
 treatment of cattle, informed the gentleman that he had 
 always been beastly inclined. 
 
 Two soldiers being condemned to death, the general, being 
 prevailed upon to spare one of them, ordered them to cast a 
 die upon the head of a drum for their lives. The first, throw- 
 ing two sixes, fell a wringing his hands ; but was agreeably 
 surprised, when the other threw two sixes also. The officer 
 appointed to see the execution ordered them to throw again. 
 They did so, and each of them threw two fives ; at which the 
 soldiers round shouted, and said neither of them were to die. 
 Hereupon the officer acquainted the council of war, who 
 
136 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ordered them to throw again ; which they did, and threw two 
 fours. The general, being made acquainted with it, sent for 
 the two men, and pardoned them. "I love/ 7 said he, "in 
 such extraordinary cases, to listen to the voice of Provi- 
 dence." 
 
 LOYE. 
 
 " Martha, does thee love me?" asked a Quaker youth 
 of one at whose shrine his heart's holiest feelings had been 
 offered up. "Why, Seth," answered she, "we are com- 
 manded to love one another, are we not?" " Ah, Martha, 
 but does thee regard me with the feeling the world calls 
 love?" "I hardly know what to tell thee, Seth. I have 
 greatly feared that my heart is an erring one. I have tried 
 to bestow my love on all ; but I may have sometimes thought, 
 perhaps, that thee was getting rather more than thy share." 
 
 An Irishman w r as seen in the upper part of the city, with 
 the words "A Tenant Wanted"' in letters painted on a piece 
 of pasteboard, suspended around his neck. Pat was asked 
 who w r anted a tenant. l * And it ? s meself," he replied, " that 
 wants the tenant." " For what house?" "I don't care 
 what kind of a house, so as it is a dacent one and sure 
 wages." "You are a fool, Paddy, or else somebody has 
 been making a fool of you ; why don ? t you say ( a situation 
 wanted' on your show-bill ? " "Aha! my darlint," replied 
 the Irishman, "and it is there ye are? I want to be occu- 
 pied, and can I be occupied widout having a tenant? " 
 
 A gentleman, on his travels, called his servant to the side 
 of the post-chaise. " Tom," says he, " here is a guinea 
 
OXE THOUSAND ANE 1S7 
 
 which is too light, and I can get nobody to take it ; do you, 
 and part with it. some how or other, on the road." '-'Yes, 
 sir,*' says the footman, " I will endeavor.*' When they came 
 to their inn at night, the gentleman called to his servant, to 
 know if he had passed off the guinea. ' ; Yes, sir,'' says the 
 man, "I did it, slyly. " "Ay, Tom,"' says the master, i: I 
 fancy thou art a sly sort of fellow ; but tell me how." 
 "Why, sir," says the footman, "the people refused it at 
 breakfast, and so they did where your honor dined ; but, as I 
 had a groat to pay at the turnpike, I whipped him between 
 the half-pence, and the man put it into his pocket, and never 
 saw it." 
 
 KINDNESS OF A CAKPEXTEK. 
 
 A carpenter, having neglected to make a gibbet (which 
 was ordered by the executioner), on the ground that he had 
 not been paid for the last that he had erected, gave so much 
 offence that the next time the judge came the circuit he was 
 sent for. "Fellow," said the judge, in a stern tone, "how 
 came you to neglect making the gibbet that was ordered on 
 my account? " ''I humbly beg your pardon," said the car- 
 penter, :: had I known it had been for your lordship, it 
 should have been done immediately." 
 
 OXE AT A TIME, GENTLEMEN. 
 
 Oxe Sunday evening, when the weather was extremely 
 hot, the windows of a parish church in the diocese of 
 Gloucester v t open to admit more air, while the con- 
 
 gregation was assembled for divine service. Just as the cler- 
 gyman was beginning his weekly discourse (who, by the by, 
 was not mu- oratorical powers), a jackass, 
 
138 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 which had been grazing in the church-yard, popped his head 
 in at the window, and began braying with all his might, as 
 if in opposition to the reverend preacher. On this, a wag 
 present immediately got up from his seat, and, with great 
 gravity of countenance, exclaimed, " One at a time, gentle- 
 men, if you please ! n The whole congregation set up a loud 
 laugh, when the jackass took fright, and gave up the contest ; 
 though, from the clergyman's chagrin and confusion, he would 
 probably not have been the worst orator. 
 
 ROMAN BON MOT. 
 Metellus, whose mother had been a Roman of great gal- 
 lantry, meaning to reproach Cicero with the meanness of his 
 ,Jbirth, " Learn," said Metellus, " who was your father." " It 
 would be much more difficult for you," answered Cicero, "to 
 learn who your father was." 
 
 DELICATE REPROOF. 
 
 Cicero, seeing Tullia, his daughter, walking with too 
 much precipitation, and her husband too slow for a man, rep- 
 rehended them both, by saying to Tullia, in the presence of 
 Piso, "Look at your husband, — it is thus a woman should 
 walk." 
 
 We sometimes get jokes from Illinois, and the latest is the 
 following. It is a good bit of drollery, quite original, we 
 believe, and we must put it on file among the funny things 
 of the times. A constable that had lately been inducted into 
 office was in attendance on the court, and was ordered by the 
 judge to callJohn Bell and Elizabeth Bell. He immediately 
 began, at the top of his lungs: "'John Bell and Elizabeth 
 
ONE THOUSAND AXECDOTES. 139 
 
 Bell ! " " One at a time/' said the judge. " One at a time. 
 one at a time, one at a time/ 7 shouted the constable. 
 " Now you 've done it," exclaimed the judge, out of patience. 
 "Now you've done it, now you've done it, now you've 
 done IT ! " yelled the constable. There was no standing 
 this : the court, bar and bystanders, broke into a heavy 
 laugh, to the perfect surprise and dismay of the astonished 
 constable. 
 
 "TO SHAME A LIAR, TELL A GREATER LIE." 
 
 Sir Patrick Blake was once in company where a noble- 
 man — since dead — was relating many wonderful accounts 
 of echoes which he had heard abroad, more particularly one 
 in the ruins of a temple on the Appian way, about twelve 
 miles from Rome, which, he said, '"repeated any words 
 seventy times.' 7 '-That," replied Sir Patrick, who had 
 listened with great attention to much more than he believed, 
 "is nothing wonderful. There is an echo on my brother's 
 estate, near the lake of Killarney, in Ireland, to which I 
 have frequently said, "Good-morrow, Madam Echo!" and 
 it has immediately answered, "Good-morrow, Sir Patrick 
 Blake ; how do you do? " The nobleman never afterwards 
 told his wonderful tale of echoes before Sir Patrick. 
 
 A GOLDEN COVEY. 
 
 Domixico, the celebrated harlequin, going to see Louis 
 XIV., at supper fixed his eye on a dish of partridges. The 
 king, who was fond of his acting, said, "Give that dish to 
 Dominico." — "'And the partridges, too. sire?*' Louis, pen- 
 etrating his art. replied, "And the partridges, too.*' The 
 dish was gold. 
 
140 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 METAPHYSICS. 
 
 A Scotch blacksmith, being asked the meaning of meta- 
 physics, explained it as follows : " When the party who listens 
 disna ken what the party who speaks means, and when the 
 party who speaks disna ken what he means himself, — that is 
 metaphysics." 
 
 DOCTOR MACK NIGHT. 
 
 The Rev. Doctors Henry and M' Knight, of Edinburgh, 
 used occasionally to meet in the evening at an old lady's 
 house in Merchant-street, where, after tea, the newspapers 
 were commonly produced. On one of these nights, while 
 Dr. H. was reading, he desired Dr. M'K. to snuff the candle, 
 which, in the attempt, he extinguished. "Well done, Dr. 
 Mack-m^Atf," said Dr. H., ironically. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF A LATE PASHA OF GRAND CAIRO. 
 
 A late Pasha of Grand Cairo, in Egypt, a man of keen 
 parts, and, for a Turk, tolerably well versed in the history 
 of antiquity, finding himself reduced to one of those misera- 
 ble expedients of extortion by which the Ottoman Empire 
 subsists, ordered the most opulent individuals of the Jewish 
 nation, who are rich and numerous at Grand Cairo, to appear 
 before him. The anxious infidels approached the dread divan. 
 " I have been reading, ye caffres ! (Anglice, scoundrels) the 
 annals of your people," said the pasha; "and I find, by 
 your own confession, that your forefathers borrowed of mine 
 an immense quantity of jewels, plate and money, which have 
 never been repaid. Begone, this moment ! Make up your 
 accounts, and bring me in the balance, or, by the beard of the 
 holy prophet " The terrified Hebrews ran home, and 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 141 
 
 returned back to the divan with their hearts fall of sorrow, 
 and their purses filled with sequins. The pasha approved 
 their account, accepted the balance, and gave them a regular 
 discharge. 
 
 ALL ABOVE-BOARD. 
 
 Alexander the Great being urged to give battle in the 
 night. •• Xo.'* said he. ;> I will not allow it to be said that I 
 am indebted to darkness for victory. 73 
 
 The same prince refused to see a beautiful woman whom 
 he had made prisoner. lt For fear." said he. " I should be 
 captivated by my captive.' 3 
 
 MILITARY ELOQUENCE. 
 
 Ax officer in the army of Henry IV.. who commanded a 
 regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of the enemy ad- 
 vancing, who appeared newly equipped, said to his soldiers. 
 : - There, my brave fellows. ep and clothe yourselves. 73 
 
 PREACHERS. 
 
 The following eulogium was given to a great preacher : 
 "His audience, apprehensive that his discourse was drawing 
 to a conclusion, were continually in pain." 
 
 Over a door, in the neighborhood of Lincoln's Inn-fields, 
 is written. " J. Death, dealer in spirituous liquors/'" 
 
 A wag at Manchester advertised threepence reward for 
 the sight of a guinea, as the greatest rarity of the times. 
 
142 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 When Cherry formed the scheme of taking a company to 
 Calcutta, the terms talked of were enormous. A lac of 
 rupees per month was promised to the walking gentlemen, 
 &c. &c. The question went round, "What is a lac of 
 rupees?" None of the actors were sufficiently acquainted 
 with the course of exchange to reply ; but Munden, who was 
 opposed to the scheme, said, "Do you know what a lack of 
 money is?" "Yes, yes." "Then that means exactly the 
 same thing" The result proved that Joey was right. 
 
 Philanthropos, walking in Bowdoin-street the other day, 
 observed a heavy cart, which two poor, jaded horses were 
 attempting to draw up the hill. They arrived about half 
 way, when their strength failed them, and they could neither 
 draw nor remain where they were, and the team began back- 
 ing down the hill. The teamster sought for a stone to block 
 the ^wheels, when Philanthropos, in his eagerness to lend his 
 aid, rushed forward and put his new hat under the wheel. 
 The team was not stopped, but his hat was. 
 
 An Irish student was once asked what was meant by pos- 
 thumous works. "They are such works," says Paddy, "as 
 a man writes after he is dead." 
 
 Charles James Fox, canvassing for an election, asked 
 the vote of an honest mechanic, who was bitterly opposed to 
 his interests. The fellow refused it, but presented him with 
 a halter. " Pray, sir, keep it," says the wit, " for I presume 
 it must be a family piece." v 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 143 
 
 ABERCORX FAMILY. 
 
 Sir George Hamilton, fourth son of James, first Earl 
 of Abercorn, married Mary, third sister to James, Duke of 
 Ormond; her nieces, daughters of the Duke of Ormond, 
 Lady Mary, wife of the Earl of Devonshire, and Elizabeth, 
 second wife of the Earl of Chesterfield, were the reigning 
 beauties of the age. The scandalous chronicles of these times 
 charge the husband of the Countess of Chesterfield with hav- 
 ing caused her to take the sacrament upon her innocence 
 respecting any intimacy with the Duke of York, and having 
 then bribed his chaplain to put poison into the sacrament cup, 
 of which she died. His son, Lord Stanhope, by his third 
 wife (father of Lord Chesterfield, the author), married Ger- 
 trude Saville, daughter of the Marquis of Halifax. The 
 marquis and earl quarrelled, and the latter made his son bring 
 his wife to Litchfield, breaking off all intercourse between the 
 families. Lady Stanhope had always on her toilet her fath- 
 er's " Advice to a Daughter; " her father-in-law took it up 
 one day, and wrote in the title-page, " Labor in vain.". On 
 her side, the lady made her servant out of livery carry in his 
 pocket a bottle of wine, another of water, and a cup ; and 
 whenever she dined or supped in company with her father-in- 
 law, she never would drink but of those liquors from her 
 servant's hand, as a hint to the earl, and society present, of 
 what his lordship was suspected of having effected by a similar 
 beverage. 
 
 The learned Dr. West having married a lady by the name 
 of Experience, who was very tall, being asked what he 
 thought of the married state, replied that "by long Expe- 
 rience he had found it a good thing to be married." 
 
144 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A surgeon, being sent for to a gentleman who had just 
 received a slight wound in a rencounter, gave orders to his 
 servant to go home, with all the haste imaginable, and fetch a 
 certain plaster. The patient, turning pale, exclaimed, " Lord, 
 sir, I hope there is no danger!" "Yes, indeed there is," 
 answered the surgeon; "for, if the fellow does not make 
 haste, it will heal before he returns." 
 
 NERVES. 
 
 A dow t ager Duchess of Bedford, in her eighty-fifth year, 
 was living at Buxton at a time w T hen it was the medical farce 
 of the day for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim 
 and caprice into !! a shock of the nervous system." Her 
 grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the room what 
 brought them there, and being generally answered "for a 
 nervous complaint," was asked, in her turn, what brought her 
 to Buxton. " I came only for pleasure," answered the hale 
 old lady; "for, thank God, I was born before nerves came 
 into fashion." 
 
 SUBSTANCE AND SHADOW. 
 
 A fellow* went to the parish priest, and told him, with a 
 long face, that he had seen a ghost. "When and where?" 
 said the pastor. "'Last night," replied the man, "I was 
 passing by the church, and up against the wall of it did I 
 behold the spectre." " In what shape did it appear ? " asked 
 the priest. "'It appeared in the shape of a great ass." 
 "'Go home, and hold your tongue about it," rejoined the 
 pastor; "you are a very timid man, and have been fright- 
 ened by your oivn shadoivP 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 145 
 
 NEW OPPOSITIONIST. 
 
 A dog having one day got into the House of Commons, by 
 his barking interrupted Lord North, who happened to be 
 opening one of his budgets. His lordship pleasantly inquired 
 by what new oppositionist he was attacked. A wag replied, 
 " It was a member for JBar&-shire." 
 
 FOX AND SHERIDAN. 
 
 Sheridan was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, 
 the manager, desirous of showing him some civility, took him 
 all over the theatre, and exhibited its beauties. "There, 
 Mr. Sheridan, ;; said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, 
 without being clever in one, "I built and painted all these 
 boxes, and I painted all these scenes." "Did you?" said 
 Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; "well, I should not, I 
 am sure, have known you were a Fox by your brush" 
 
 ACCOUNT OF 3VIULY MOLUC. 
 
 When Don Sebastian, King of Portugal, had invaded the 
 territories of Muly Moluc, Emperor of Morocco, in order to 
 dethrone him, and set his crown upon the head of his nephew, 
 Moluc was wearing away with a distemper which he himself 
 knew was incurable ; — however, he prepared for the recep- 
 tion of so formidable an enemy. He was, indeed, so far spent 
 with his sickness that he did not expect to live out the whole 
 day, when the last decisive battle was given ; but. knowing 
 the fatal consequences that would happen to his children and 
 people in case he should die before he put an end to that war, 
 he commanded his principal officers, that if he died during the 
 13 
 
146 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 engagement they should conceal his death from the army, and 
 that they should ride up to the litter in which his corpse was 
 carried, under pretence of receiving orders from him as usual. 
 Before the battle began, he was carried through all the ranks 
 of his army in an open litter, as they stood drawn up in array, 
 encouraging them. to fight valiantly in defence of their religion 
 and country. Finding, afterwards, the battle to go against 
 him, though he was very near his last agonies, he threw him- 
 self out of his litter, rallied his army, and led them on to the 
 charge, which afterwards ended in a complete victory on the 
 part of the Moors. He had no sooner brought his men to the 
 engagement, but, finding himself utterly spent, he was again 
 replaced in his litter, where, laying his finger on his mouth, 
 to enjoin secrecy to his officers, who stood about him, he died 
 a few moments after in that posture, with scarcely a groan. 
 
 CURIOUS TYPOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTE. 
 
 It is well known to literary people that, in preparing 
 works for the press, it is usual for the printer, after the 
 proof-sheets have been seen by the author, to go over them 
 again, and clear them of what are called typographical errors, 
 such as wrong spellings, inaccuracies of punctuation, and sim- 
 ilar imperfections. In performing this office for a celebrated 
 northern critic and editor, a printer, now dead, was in the 
 habit of introducing a much greater number of commas than 
 it appeared to the author the sense required. The case was 
 provoking, but did not produce a formal remonstrance, until 
 Mr. W — n himself accidentally afforded the learned editor an 
 opportunity of signifying his dissatisfaction with the plethora 
 of punctuation under which his compositions were made to 
 labor. The worthy printer, coming to a passage one day 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 147 
 
 which he did not understand, very naturally took it into his 
 head that it was unintelligible, and transmitted it to his em- 
 ployer, with a remark on the margin that " there appeared 
 some obscurity in it." The sheet was immediately returned, 
 with this reply, which we give verbatim: " Mr. J. sees no 
 obscurity here, except such as arises from the d — d quantity 
 of commas, which Mr. W — n seems to keep in a pepper-box 
 beside him. for the purpose of dusting all his proofs with." 
 
 BETTER OR WORSE. 
 
 M I prat you, dear Thomas, don't rave thus, and curse ; 
 
 You know that you took me for better or worse." 
 " So I did," replied Thomas, "but, then, madam, look ye, 
 
 You proved, upon trial, much worse than I took ye." 
 
 NO ATTORNEYS ADMITTED. 
 
 A man who had a case in court said that if he lost it in 
 the Common Pleas he would appeal to the Supreme Court, 
 and from there to the United States Court, and from there to 
 heaven. " Certainly, then/' replied a gentleman, "you will 
 be defeated ; for you will not be present to answer for yourself, 
 and no attorney is ever admitted there ! ?; 
 
 A country girl riding by a turnpike-road without paying 
 toll, the gate-keeper hailed her and demanded his fee. On 
 her demanding his authority, he referred her to his sign, 
 where she read, "A man and horse, six cents/' "Well," 
 jays she, "you can demand nothing of me, as this is but a 
 voman and a mare." 
 
148 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 HIGHLAND CHRISTIANITY. 
 
 A Highlander was visited on his death-bed by his cler- 
 gyman, who exhorted Donald to prepare himself for another 
 world by a sincere repentance of all the crimes he had com- 
 mitted on earth, and strongly urged the absolute necessity of 
 forgiving his enemies. Donald shrugged up his shoulders at 
 this hard request ; yet he at last agreed to forgive every per- 
 son w r ho had injured him, except one, who had long been the 
 Highlander's mortal foe, and of whom Donald hoped the par- 
 son would make an exception. 
 
 TWO BITES OF A CHERRY. 
 
 Mr. A. Cherry, the performer, was written to, a few years 
 ago, with the offer of a very capital engagement from a man- 
 ager, who, on a former occasion, had not behaved altogether 
 well to him. Cherry sent him word that he had been bit by 
 him once, and he was resolved that he should not make two 
 bites of A. Cherry" 
 
 A bacchanalian candidate offering for a country borough 
 in England, the electors unanimously agreed that he was a 
 very proper man to szy>?ORT. 
 
 Several gentlemen were assembled opposite a tavern in 
 Augusta, viewing a very small horse. One of the company 
 observing that he had never seen so small a one before, an 
 Irishman present declared that he did not think him a small 
 horse at all, "for I have seen one in Ireland as little as 
 tivo of him." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 149 
 
 SERMONIZING MOVINGLY. 
 
 The Abbe Dufont, "who in general was a good preacher, 
 was apt, on some subjects, to be immoderately tedious. When- 
 ever the founder of the Jesuits was introduced, he never 
 failed to enter on a tiresome panegyric on his favorite saint. 
 One day he compared him with all the celestial hierarchy, and 
 could find no place honorable enough for him, while his long 
 paragraphs were ever closed with the exclamation, "Where 
 shall we place this great patriarch?" An auditor, whose 
 patience was exhausted, rose up, and said, " Since you are so 
 puzzled, he may have my place, for I am going." 
 
 A ROUSES. 
 
 Father Seraphin, a noted Capuchin, of pious simplicity, 
 was preaching before Louis XIV. at Versailles, when he per- 
 ceived the Abbe Fenelon asleep. Stopping in the midst of 
 his discourse, he said, ""Wake that abbe who is asleep, and 
 who perhaps only attends here to pay his court to the king." 
 Louis smiled, and pardoned the disrespect, in consideration of 
 the father's simplicity of character." 
 
 MARGAROT. 
 
 Margarot, one of the English members of the British 
 Convention which met at Edinburgh in the year 1792 for 
 the avowed purpose of revolutionizing the British nation, — 
 a man preeminent in effrontery and profligacy, — -was, on the 
 day of his trial before the High Court of Justiciary, accom- 
 panied by the lowest rabble of Edinburgh, who took the 
 horses from the carriage in which he was conveyed, and 
 13* 
 
150 ONE THOUSAND ANL'CDOTES. 
 
 dragged him to the Parliament House. On entering the 
 court, he was complaining bitterly of a blow he had received 
 on one of his legs. "Poh, man! be comforted," cried one 
 of the macers that accompanied him, " I suppose 'tis only 
 one of your horses has given you a kick." 
 
 NO SINECURE. 
 
 Colonel M., of the Perthshire Cavalry, was complaining 
 that, from the ignorance and inattention of his officers, he was 
 obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment. " I am," said 
 he, " my own captain, my ow T n lieutenant, my own cornet," — 
 u And trumpeter ) I presume," said a lady present. 
 
 COSMO DE medicis. 
 
 The Duke of Tuscany complained to an ambassador from 
 the republic of Venice that his predecessor had behaved very 
 ill during; his residence at Florence. "Your highness must 
 not be surprised," said the ambassador, " for I can assure 
 you we have many fools at Venice." " We have also fools 
 at Florence," replied the duke, "but we take care never to 
 send them out of the country on public business." 
 
 The cook of one of the colleges at Cambridge was lately 
 ordered into the room to receive a lecture, for sending up a 
 dish that appeared dirty, in which there was a calf's head. 
 The cook denied the charge, and, looking at the person who 
 made the complaint, said, "I beg your pardon, sir; the dish 
 is so clean that you may see your face in it." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 151 
 
 When Dr. Johnson was told that Rousseau's Confessions 
 would contain every motive that had induced him to act in 
 every situation, "Then," replied he, "if he was an honest 
 man, his book will not be worth a farthing." 
 
 Stephen Kemble happening to pass through Newport 
 Market, the butchers set up their usual cry of "What d' ye 
 buy? What d'ye buy?" Stephen parried this for some 
 time, by saying he did not want anything. At last a 
 butcher started from his stall, and, eying Stephen's figure 
 from top to bottom, which certainly did not indicate that he 
 fed on air, exclaimed, "Well, sir, though you do not now 
 want anything, only say you buy your meat of me, and you 
 will make my fortune." 
 
 An Irish conjuror and ventriloquist, of the name of Ray, 
 but who called himself " Le Sieur Ray," to blarney his 
 countrymen (though he spoke a brogue thick enough to have 
 been cut with a knife, as Bowles used to say), exhibiting before 
 their late majesties, refused to perform his grand deception 
 till the queen said cockalorum, in which he pretended the 
 charm consisted. Her majesty thought the word either diffi- 
 cult or indelicate, and declined; but the king was so bent 
 upon the great astonishment, that he turned round to her 
 good-naturedly, and said, " Say cockalorum, Charlotte, — say 
 cockalorum." 
 
 Dr. A , physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a 
 
 vestry in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt 
 so long on the fellow's misconduct, as to raise his choler, 
 
152 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 and draw from him this expression: " Sir, I was in hopes 
 you would have treated my failings with more gentleness, or 
 that you would have been the last man alive to appear against 
 me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours ! " 
 
 FLATTERY BY THE TON. 
 
 Louis XIV., having asked Boileau in what year her wa$ 
 born, that poet answered him, "I came into the world one 
 year before your majesty, to announce the wonders of your 
 
 ROYAL GRAVITATION. 
 
 When all the court were sliding on the Seine, whicii was 
 frozen over, Henry IV. wished also to join them ; the Mar- 
 shal Bassompierre prevented him. " The others are sliding," 
 said Henry IV. " Ah, sire," answered Bassompierre, " but 
 you are of greater weight than the others." 
 
 A FINE REPLY OF A SOLDIER. 
 
 A soldier, in the army of Marshal Turenne, took the 
 name of that general, who reprimanded him for it. u How 
 am I to blame, general?" said the soldier. "I have my 
 choice of names ; if I had known one more illustrious than 
 yours, I should have taken it." This ingenious answer pro- 
 cured him a reward. 
 
 The most loquacious persons frequently are the slowest to 
 perform. 
 
 Everywhere endeavor to be useful, and everywhere you 
 will be at home. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTE.-. 153 
 
 AN IMPORTED PAT-RIOT ON HIS COUNTRY-SEAT. 
 
 Here, reader, is a pat-riot sample of one of the monthly 
 additions made to our maternal census every month by the 
 humane (a fruitful importation law) ; but we have a very 
 broad country, and broader charity, and I suppose we might 
 just as well make up our minds to take them as they come. — 
 good, bad. and very bad. One of these citizens had the good 
 luck to be landed on our country coast a few days ago, with 
 all his 'arthly possessions, which were an empty chest, a 
 tobaccy-pipe, and a shillelah : when, seating himself upon his 
 box, which had served as a table, trunk, bedstead and chair, 
 and gazing round upon a very large prospect of the land of 
 liberty, he thus broke out, in modern Greek : '-Hurrah! och, 
 be St. Paddy, an' its here I am on my country-seat, in the 
 blest land of liberty, where whiskey runs as clear as mud, 
 where tobaccy grows right up, too, — yes, ready to be smoked; 
 jist where paratees peel themselves ready for the pot, an' 
 where there 's nothin to do at all, at all, but to improve the 
 breed of the shillelah by knockin one another down, till ye 
 get up into the first office in the counthry. Och, the swate 
 liberty of dyin in a row, for the sake o' seein' yourself laid 
 out an' buried with the honors o' the cudgel; mate three 
 times a day, an' pig for dinner ; and, above all, to live in a 
 house wid a bit of a steeple on it to escort the smoke out, an' a 
 separate lodgin' for the sow and pigs jist. Hurrah for swate 
 Amerikee ! Lord bless the ship that transported me over 
 the water ! " 
 
 Folly is a bad quality ; but never to endure it in others 
 is a greater folly. 
 
 Xo man ever did an injury designedly to another, that did 
 not injure himself the most. 
 
154 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 HOW TO FIND YOUR MAN. 
 
 A person having unprovokedly struck iEsop, the latter 
 said, " I am greatly obliged to you; 55 and, giving him a piece 
 of gold, " though I cannot afford, at present, to give you 
 more, I '11 show you a person presently who can : give this 
 man coming up to us such a blow, and you will be well re- 
 warded." The aggressor, being pot-valiant, and moreover 
 fool enough to follow iEsop's counsel, struck the gentleman. 
 He happened to be a magistrate. JEsop's friend was seized, 
 imprisoned, and held himself very fortunate to escape with a 
 severe flagellation. 
 
 An Irishman, on board a man-of-war, was desired by his 
 messmate to go down and fetch a can of small beer. Teague, 
 knowing that preparations were making to sail, absolutely 
 refused. " Arrah, my shoul, 55 says he, " and so, w T hen I am 
 gone into the cellar to fetch beer, the ship will sail away, and 
 leave me behind. 55 
 
 At a rehearsal of Artaxerxes, the celebrated Mrs. Bad- 
 dely, who sustained the principal female character, called out, 
 in a peremptory manner, " Fellow, bring me my crook. 55 
 Mr. Simonds immediately replied, " Madam, your fellow is 
 not in the world." 
 
 Jean Paul says love may slumber in a lady 5 s heart, but 
 it always dreams. 
 
 The fool has one advantage over an educated man, — he is 
 always contented with himself. 
 
 Those who have had the most forgiven them should be the 
 least addicted to slander. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 155 
 
 ANECDOTE OF JAMES V. 
 
 King James the Fifth, in one of his pedestrian tours, 
 is said to have called at the village of Markinch, in Fife ; 
 and. going into the only change-house, desired to be furnished 
 with some refreshment. The gudewife informed him that her 
 only room was then engaged by the minister and schoolmas- 
 ter, but that she believed they would have no objection to 
 admit him into their company. He entered, was made very 
 welcome, and began to drink with them. After a tough 
 debauch of several hours, during which he succeeded in com- 
 pletely ingratiating himself with the two parochial dignita- 
 ries, the reckoning came to be paid, and James pulled out 
 money to contribute his share. The schoolmaster, on this, 
 proposed to the clergyman that they should pay the whole, as 
 the other had only recently acceded to the company, and w r as, 
 moreover, entitled to their hospitality as a stranger. " Na, 
 na," quoth the minister, "I see nae reason in that. This 
 birkie maun just pay higglety-pigglety wi' oursels. That's 
 aye the law in Markinch. Higgle ty-pigglety 's the word." 
 The schoolmaster attempted to repel this selfish and unjust 
 reasoning; but the minister remained perfectly obdurate. 
 King James at last exclaimed, in a pet, "Weel, weel, hig- 
 glety-pigglety be't!" and he immediately made such ar- 
 rangements as insured an equality of stipend to his two 
 drinking companions ; thus at once testifying his disgust at 
 the meanness of the superior, and his admiration of the gen- 
 erosity of the inferior functionary. To this day the salaries 
 of the minister and schoolmaster of Markinch are nearly 
 equal, — a thing as singular as it may be surprising. Our 
 authors for this story, as Pitscottie would say, are fifteen 
 different clergymen, resident at different corners of the king- 
 dom, all of whom told it in the same way, adding, as an 
 
156 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 attestation of their verity, that they heard it discussed in all 
 its bearings, times innumerable, at the breakfasts given by 
 the professors of divinity ; on which occasions, it seems, pro- 
 bationers are duly informed of the various stipends, glebes, 
 &c, of the parishes of Scotland, as they are instructed, at 
 another period of the day, in the more solemn mysteries of 
 their profession. 
 
 A certain Dutch Justice of the Peace, in the State of New 
 York, having issued a summons made returnable on the Sab- 
 bath-day, the constable into whose hands it was put to be 
 served, being a fellow of humor, returned the summons 
 agreeably to date. The justice, expecting it to be of some 
 other nature, perused it, and finding what it was, said, in a 
 great passion, " Vat de tivel you brings dis to-day vor? JJ 
 " Why," replied the constable, " see whether or no it is not 
 returnable this day; and, should I neglect my duty, you 
 would no doubt, with great propriety, report to the grand- 
 jury, and in all probability have me severely fined." ^Upon 
 this the justice, with a loud voice, proclaimed, "I adjourns 
 this courts till next Wednesday; JJ and calls to his son, say- 
 ing, " Hauns, look off de almanac, and sees as dat vill be on 
 the Sunbath's-day." 
 
 Over-earnest asseverations give men suspicion that the 
 speaker is conscious of his own falsities. 
 
 It is a complaint against some young ministers that, while 
 their bodies are in the pulpits, their hearts are in the pews. 
 
 Chill penury weighs down the heart itself; and though it 
 is sometimes endured with calmness, it is but the calmness of 
 despair. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 157 
 
 ANECDOTE OF THE GOOD HUMOR OF KING GEORGE I. 
 
 On one of his journeys to Hanover his coach broke. At 
 a distance in view was a chateau of a considerable German 
 nobleman. The king sent to borrow assistance. The pos- 
 sessor came, conveyed the king to his house, and begged the 
 honor of his majesty's accepting a dinner while his carriage 
 was repairing ; and, while the dinner was preparing, begged 
 leave to amuse his majesty with a collection of pictures which 
 he had formed in several tours to Italy. But what did the 
 king see, in one of the rooms, but an unknown portrait of a 
 person in robes, and with the regalia of the sovereigns of 
 Great Britain ! George asked whom it represented. The 
 nobleman replied, with much diffident but decent respect, that 
 in various journeys to Rome he had been acquainted with 
 Chevalier de St. George, who had done him the honor of send- 
 ing him that picture. '-Upon my word," said the king, 
 instantly, " it is very like to the family." It was impossible 
 to remove the embarrassment of the proprietor with more 
 good breeding. 
 
 A poor man, who had a termagant wife, after a long dis- 
 pute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, told 
 her if she spoke one crooked word more, he would beat her 
 brains out. "Why, then, ranrs-horns, you rogue," said 
 she, "if I die for it! " 
 
 \ 
 
 A young coxcomb, with a very fine hat, told a poor fellow 
 with a shabby one, " he scorned to keep company with such 
 wooZ-headed fellows." ' : Sir," answered the other, ' : you 
 disparage your own judgment; for, whatever you think, my 
 hat is as good a beaver as ever was felt."' 
 14 
 
158 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 JOCKEYSHIP. 
 
 Louis XL, when he was a youth, used to visit a peasant 
 whose garden produced excellent fruit. Soon after he as- 
 cended the throne, this peasant waited on him, and brought 
 his little present, — a turnip, from his garden, of an extraordi- 
 nary size. The king smiled, remembered his past pleasures, 
 and ordered a thousand crowns to the peasant. 
 
 The lord of his village, hearing of this liberality, argued 
 with himself thus : "If this peasant have a thousand crowns 
 for a turnip, I have only to present a fine horse to this mu- 
 nificent monarch, and my fortune is made." As others 
 might entertain the same idea, he loses no time, but mounts 
 one horse, and leads in his hand a beautiful barb, the pride 
 of his stable. He arrives at court, and requests the king's 
 acceptance of his little present. Louis highly praised the 
 steed; and the donor's expectations were raised to the utmost, 
 when the king exclaimed, "Bring me my turnip;" and 
 added, in presenting it to the seigneur, " Hold! this cost me 
 a thousand crowns, and I give it you for your horse." 
 
 THE NEW CUT. 
 
 An old Scotch clergyman, who had an old tailor for his 
 mart) was one day riding home from a neighboring parish, 
 where he had been assisting in the celebration of the sacra- 
 ment. "John," cried he, "how comes it, do you think, 
 that my young brother there should have such great assem- 
 blages of people hearing him, when I, for instance, although 
 preaching the same sermons I ever preached, am losing my 
 hearers daily?" "Lord bless ye, sir," answered his sage 
 valet, " it's just wi' you as it 's wi' mysell. I sew just as 
 weel as ever I did ; yet that puir elf has ta'en 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 159 
 
 my business maist clean awa. It 's no the sewing that 7 11 do, 
 sir : it 's the new cut : it 's just the new cut." 
 
 ALLAN RAMSAY. 
 
 Ramsay's patroness, Susanna. Countess of Eglintoun. to 
 loid he dedicates his immortal " Gentle Shepherd, 77 once 
 sent him a present of a basket of fine fruit. No poet of the 
 last century could let such a circumstance pass unsung. Ac- 
 cordingly, honest Allan composed the following compliment- 
 ary epigram, which he returned in his note of acknowledg- 
 ment to the countess : 
 
 " Now, Priam's son, ye may be mute, 
 
 Poi I can bauldly brag with thee : 
 
 Thou to the fairest gave the fruit — 
 
 The fairest gave the fruit to me." 
 
 Not content with sending this to the person for w T hom it 
 9 most particularly intended, he enclosed a copy to his 
 friend Budgell. who soon sent him back the following com- 
 ment upon it : 
 
 1 ; As Juno fair, as Yenus kind, 
 
 She may have been who gave the fruit ; 
 But had she had Minerva's mind, 
 
 She 'd ne'er have given 't to such a brute." 
 
 An Irish clergyman, having gone to visit the portraits of 
 the Scottish kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the 
 monarchs of a very youthful appearance, whilst his son was 
 depicted with a long beard, and wore the traits of extreme 
 - Sanaa Maria ! " exclaimed the good Hibernian, 
 •'• is it possible that this gentleman >!d man when his 
 
 FATHER IPOS hom. 
 
160 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 COMPARISON. 
 
 Remarking on an actress of Drury-lane Theatre, remark- 
 able for her coquetry, " That lady," said Mr. Garrick, " is 
 like those sparkling wines, which every one tastes, but none 
 buys." 
 
 SALVATION. 
 
 Marshal Bassompierre was a favorite of Henry IV., and 
 wielded the sword and pen equally well. His memoirs are 
 (as most of the French memoirs) very entertaining. He was 
 confined in the Bastile under Louis XIII. Being found one 
 day reading the Bible, he said to the keeper, " Don't be 
 alarmed at my employment ; I am searching for a passage to 
 save myself." 
 
 BREVITY. 
 
 An officer demanding, with much importunity, an audience 
 of Frederick the Great, it was granted, on condition that he 
 should say only two words. He accordingly presented him- 
 self with a petition in his hand, in which he requested a pen- 
 sion. "Sire" said he, "sign" 
 
 LORD NAIRN. 
 
 Lord Nairn took refuge, after the Forty-five, in some 
 small French town, where there w T as no other Scotsman but 
 himself. Having been all his life accustomed to the deep 
 drinking of his native country, and now requiring more than 
 ever perhaps to amuse himself by that means, he took very 
 ill with the sobriety of the French, none of whom he could 
 ever prevail upon to sit a single moment after dinner. At 
 
OXE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 161 
 
 last, it fortunately happened that a few more of his unhappy 
 countrymen came to reside at the same place, and supplied 
 him with company to his mind. The first day they dined 
 together his lordship felt quite in ecstasy ; and, on handing 
 the bottle down the table to his friends, said, 'I canna 
 express to ye, gentlemen, the satisfaction I feel in ance mair 
 getting some men o' sense about me. after being plagued for 
 a twelvemonth wi' a set o' fools, nae better than brute beasts, 
 than winna drink mair than what serves them." 
 
 PRODIGALITY. 
 
 Two young gentlemen, who were emulous of extravagant 
 expense, and one day, on some expensive freak, in Madame 
 Sevigne's presence, that lady said, ''It seems to me as if I 
 saw them saluting each other at the door of an alms-house, 
 and each inviting the other to go in first." 
 
 When Kemble was rehearsing the romance sung by Rich- 
 ard in the play of Richard, Shaw, the leader of the band, 
 called out from the orchestra, "Mr. Kemble, my dear Mr. 
 Kemble, you are murdering time." Kemble, calmly and 
 coolly taking a pinch of snurT, said, i: My dear sir, it is better 
 for me to murder time at once, than to be constantly beating 
 him. as you go." 
 
 ECONOMY is the parent of integrity, of liberty, and of 
 ease; and the sister of temperance, of cheerfulness, and 
 health ; — and profuseness is a cruel and crafty demon, that 
 gradually involves her followers in dependence and debts, — 
 that is, fetters them with "irons that enter into their souls. ' : 
 14 - 
 
162 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF WILLIAM RUFUS. 
 
 A memorable instance of William Rufus' expedition and 
 valor is recorded. In 1099, as he was hunting in the New 
 Forest, Hampshire, a messenger from the continent brought 
 intelligence that the city of Mons was besieged. Yvilliam 
 ordered the man to return with speed, and tell the garrison 
 to hold out. for that he would be with them in eight days. 
 Then, turning his horse, he rode directly to the sea-coast, and 
 desired all his attendants to follow him. At Dartmouth he 
 found an old vessel, on board of which he instantly embarked, 
 notwithstanding the remonstrances of the master, w^ho told 
 him he could not put to sea without the utmost peril. The 
 wind, however, changing favorably, they arrived safe at 
 Barfleur the next morning, and proceeded to Mons. where his 
 unexpected appearance had such an effect that the siege was 
 instantly raised. 
 
 Tyrrel, who is said to have pierced the king accidentally 
 with an arrow, retired to France in consequence of that un- 
 lucky circumstance ; where he declared, upon oath, that he 
 was not nigh the king in the chase all that fatal day. And, 
 if the tyrannical conduct of Rufus be duly considered, it 
 seems more than probable that, having strayed from his at- 
 tendants, he was found alone by some secret enemy, who 
 took good aim, and deliberately assassinated him. The joy 
 which all ranks of people discovered at his death warrants 
 this conjecture. 
 
 M. Desmaret was the comptroller-general of the finances 
 under Louis XV. From him descended the family of Malle- 
 bois. He left three sons, who were men of small stature, 
 and who, on that account, w T ere named at court ''The Ter- 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 163 
 
 FATE. 
 
 Zeno was a native of Cyprus. He taught in the Portico 
 of Stoa, in Athens ; hence Stoic, the appellation of his 
 followers, amongst whom arc to be ranked the greatest char- 
 acters of antiquity ; as Cato, Seneca, Epictetus, and Marcus 
 Antonius. A servant of Zeno, being told that the plea oifale 
 w r ould exculpate him from any fault he should commit, 
 exclaimed to his master, as he was undergoing punishment 
 for theft, " It is my fate to be a thief." "Yes," replied 
 Zeno, " and it is your fate to loe punished for it." 
 
 The aptitude and quaintness of remark frequently made by 
 the sons of Neptune are almost proverbial. Sleeping, one 
 night, w T ith that worthy and meritorious officer, Captain Colby 
 (then a midshipman, but now Admiral Thornborough's cap- 
 tain, on board the Royal Sovereign), it occurred to me that 
 I had drawn too large a portion of the bed-covering from 
 him ; and, as the weather w r as severe, I kindly inquired if he 
 was in want of any clothes? He replied, laconically, "I 
 want a coat most amazingly." 
 
 Some years ago, the junior Sheridan, who inherited a large 
 portion of the wit and genius of his father, was dining with 
 a party of his father's constituents at the Swan, in Stafford. 
 Among the company were, of course, a great many shoe- 
 makers (I beg their pardon, I mean shoe manufacturers). 
 One of the most eminent of them w T as in the chair, and, in 
 the course of the afternoon, he called upon young Sheridan 
 for a sentiment. This call not being immediately attended 
 
164 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 tc, the president, in rather an angry tone, repeated it. 
 Sheridan, who was entertaining his neighbor with a story, 
 appeared displeased at this second interruption, and, desiring 
 a bumper might be filled, he gave, " May the manufacture 
 of Stafford be trampled upon by all the world." It is 
 needless to say that this sentiment, given with apparent 
 warmth, restored him to the good graces of the president. 
 
 LIVING WITHOUT BRAINS. 
 
 As the late Professor H was walking near Edin- 
 burgh, he met one of those beings usually called fools. 
 "Pray," says the professor, accosting him, " how long can 
 a person live without brains? " "I dinna ken," replied the 
 fellow, scratching his head; "how long have you lived 
 yoursell, sir? " 
 
 Capital offences are not often committed in Sweden; many 
 of the towns in which there are provincial courts of justice 
 are, therefore, without an executioner. In one of these a 
 criminal was sentenced to be hanged, which occasioned great 
 embarrassment. It was found necessary to engage a hang- 
 man who lived at a considerable distance, who would require 
 the expenses of his long journey to be paid, as well as the 
 customary reward of two crowns. A young tradesman just 
 admitted into the city council (according to the practice upon 
 these occasions) delivered his sentiments first upon this busi- 
 ness, and hoped his brethren would approve of his proposal. 
 " Gentlemen," said he, "I think we had better give the male- 
 factor the two crowns, and let him go and get hanged where 
 he pleases." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 165 
 
 NATIONALITY. 
 
 The Abbe Raynal came, with some Frenchmen of rank, 
 to see Mr. Walpole, at Strawberry-hill. They were standing 
 at a window, looking at the prospect to the Thames, which 
 they found flat, and one of them said in French, not thinking 
 that Mr. TV. and a Mr. Churchill overheard them. " Every- 
 thing in England serves to recommend France to us the 
 more." Mr. Churchill, somewhat piqued, instantly stepped 
 up, and said, " Gentlemen, when the Cherokees were in this 
 country, they could eat nothing but train-oil." 
 
 A merchant who had failed in business held the following 
 consultation with his clock: "You," said he, "are a me- 
 chanical affair, while I have the principal action in myself." 
 "Very true," replied the clock; "but, when you wind up 
 your affairs, you stop business ; when my affairs are wound 
 up, 'I go the longer for it." 
 
 DANCING TO SOME TUNE. 
 
 The celebrated dancer, Barberini, was, for some time, 
 engaged at the king's theatre, at Berlin. He was a little in 
 love with her, because she had legs like a man ; but the thing 
 most of all incomprehensible was, he gave her a salary of 
 upwards of thirteen hundred pounds. His Italian poet, who 
 put the operas into verse, had little more than a thirtieth 
 part of the sum ; but it ought to be remembered he was very 
 ugly, and could not dance. In a word, Barberini touched, 
 for her share, more than all of his ministers of state put 
 together. 
 
166 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 RETROSPECT. 
 
 The Abbe de Choisi, having incurred some heavy debts, 
 was under the necessity of selling his fine estate in Xor- 
 mandy. Passing, some time afterwards, the seat of his former 
 wealth, and being extremely hungry, he exclaimed, as he 
 looked at it, u 0, how I should like to dine with you 
 to-day ! " 
 
 A Scotchman and an Irishman were sleeping at an inn 
 together. 'The weather being rather warm, the Scotchman 
 put his leg out of bed. A person, seeing him in this situa- 
 tion, gently fixed a spur on Sawney's heel, who, drawing his 
 leg into bed, so disturbed his companion, that he exclaimed, 
 " Arrah, my dear honey, have a care ! for, by my shoul, you 
 have fractured the skull-boon of my shin, with those nails of 
 yours, I belave." The Scotchman being sound asleep, but 
 restless in his dreams, .still scratching poor Teague, til>, his 
 patience being quite spent, he succeeded in rousing Sawney ; 
 who, not a little surprised at finding a spur on his heel, 
 loudly exclaimed, " The ostler has ta'en off my boots last 
 night, and left on the spur." 
 
 A veteran toper complained to Dr. W., of Boston, that, 
 from long use of spirituous liquors, they palled upon his 
 palate, and failed to exhilarate his spirits. The doctor, in a 
 sportive mood, inquired if he had ever used aqua fortis. and 
 recommended it to his patient, diluted with water. The toper 
 immediately procured a considerable quantity, which he at 
 first mixed with water, but afterwards took in its crude 
 state : however, in a few months the aqua fortis afforded him 
 

 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 167 
 
 as little pleasure as common New England white-face. Soon 
 after, the unfortunate tippler, meeting the doctor, addressed 
 him thus : : - Doctor, the aqua fortis won't do ; can't you give 
 me something stronger ? Do, dear doctor, for the love of 
 grog, let me have a little aqua fifties.'' 1 
 
 THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH AXD A POOR SOLDIER. 
 
 Soox after victory had declared itself in favor of the 
 British arms at the memorable battle of Blenheim, the Duke 
 of Marlborough, in traversing the ranks, observed a soldier 
 leaning, in a pensive manner, on the butt-end of his musket. 
 His Grace immediately accosted him thus, " Why so pensive, 
 my friend, after so glorious a victory? 7 ' "It may be glo- 
 rious." replied the son of Mars: "but I have only earned 
 four-pence, by contributing to all this acquisition of fame ! " 
 The subsequent conduct of the duke, on this occasion, is not 
 known. 
 
 BOX-MOTS OF THE HONORABLE HEXRY ERSKIXE. 
 
 This celebrated wit, of whom it might be said, more truly, 
 perhaps, than of any other man that ever breathed, that 
 
 " lie could not ope 
 
 His month, bnt ont there flew a trope," 
 
 was one day at a large dinner-party, where Miss Henrietta 
 
 was also present. This lady had been the most 
 
 admired beauty of her day, in Edinburgh ; but, at the time 
 in question, was a little past the meridian of life. It must 
 also be premised of her, that her name was usually abbre- 
 viated into Hennie. ' ; Mr. Erskine,"' said the lady, as the 
 wine was beginning to circulate, "they say that ye 're a 
 
168 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 great man for making puns : could ye mak a pun, d' ye think, 
 on me?" " Od ; Hennie," the wit instantly replied, " you 
 might be making puns yourself, now; I'm sure, Hennie 
 though ye be, ye 're nae chicken." 
 
 Being one day in London, in company with the Duchess 
 of Gordon, he asked her, " Are we never again to enjoy the 
 honor and pleasure of your Grace's society at Edinburgh? " 
 "0!" said she, " Edinburgh is a vile, dull place; I hate 
 it ! " " Madam," replied the gallant barrister, " the sun 
 might as well say, There 's a vile, dark morning ; I won't rise 
 to-day." 
 
 SUPERLATIVE VANITY. 
 
 A visionary who flourished in the last century was at the 
 expense of having a plate engraved, in which he was repre- 
 sented kneeling before a crucifix, with a label from his mouth, 
 ' c Lord Jesus, do you love me? " From that of Jesus pro- 
 ceeded another label, "Yes, most illustrious, most excellent, 
 and most learned Sigerus, crowned poet of his Imperial 
 Majesty, and most worthy rector of the University of Wit- 
 temberg, — yes, I do love you." 
 
 DRY IN CHURCH. 
 
 The Bev. Doctors H and M were colleagues in 
 
 the Old Church of Edinburgh. One Sunday, when it was 
 
 Dr. M 's turn to preach, he had got himself very much 
 
 wetted by a heavy rain, and was standing before the session- 
 room fire, drying his clothes, when Dr. H came in, 
 
 w r hom he requested would that day take his place, as he had 
 escaped the shower. " 0, by no means," replied the doctor ; 
 " gang up to the poopit, — ye '11 be dry eneuch there" 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 100 
 
 lloXOR. 
 
 M. de Fabin, being ordered, by the Duke of Vendome, 
 on a very perilous service, in which personal animosity was 
 supposed to dictate, some of his brother officers were sup- 
 plying pretences for evading the service. " I can very easily 
 save my life," answered M. de Fabin, "but who will save 
 ray honor ?" 
 
 A valetudinarian complained of a violent pain in one 
 of his legs. His wife made use of embrocations and flannel to 
 no purpose : the patient continued his groaning. A surgeon 
 was called in, who, on examining the leg, declared it was 
 sound. " Then it must be the other" replied he. 
 
 HACKSTOUN OF EATHILLET. 
 
 The son of this celebrated Covenanter was a Jacobite, and 
 turned out in the Fifteen. A future representative married 
 into the family of Hay of Xaughton, which was unfortu- 
 nately tainted with a strain of madness. The offspring of 
 this marriage was a son, named Helenus, who, along with 
 the talent inherent in his fathers family, had, moreover, a 
 great portion of the insanity of his other parent. Old Hack- 
 stoun used to say to this youth, on observing any symptom 
 of extravagance, " Helenus, Helenus, ma man, I doot ye've 
 owre muckle mither wit." 
 
 This Helenus married a lady who had previously had two 
 husbands ; and he was never after free from quarrels and 
 law-suits with his wife's various families and connections. In 
 the course of one of these suits, he published an account of 
 his family, with an appendix, containing letters that passed 
 15 
 
170 • ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 between himself and his opponents' party. — the names all in 
 blanks, and, therefore, the whole quite unintelligible, except 
 to himself. He used to come to Edinburgh, and ride through 
 the streets in a carriage, the panels of which were all covered 
 over with devices, in the shape of coats-armorial, allusive to 
 the circumstances of his law-suits. These were of his own 
 invention ; and, if we are not mistaken, he also painted them 
 himself. One may serve as a specimen of the whole. He 
 had a gentleman, of the name of Baillie, one of his wife's 
 sons, represented sitting in the corner of a room, upon a 
 large egg, titled with the word "Plot." This was one of 
 his enemies, he said, hatching a plot against him. In such 
 drivel ended the line of the stern murderer of Archbishop 
 Sharpe. 
 
 Old Hackstoun one day said to Mr. Smibert, the minister 
 of Cupar, who was also blessed with a foolish, or rather wild 
 youth, for a son, " D' ye ken, sir, you and I are wiser than 
 Solomon?" "How can that be, Rathillet?" inquired the 
 startled clergyman. " Oo, ye see," said Hackstoun, " Solo- 
 mon didna ken whether his son was to be a fool or a wise 
 man ; but baith you and I are quite sure that our sons are 
 fools." 
 
 Some gentlemen being in a tavern, as they were in the 
 height of their jollity, in came a friend of theirs, whose name 
 was Sampson. "Ah," said one, "we may now be securely 
 merry, fearing neither sergeant nor bailiff; for, though a 
 thousand such Philistines should come, here is Sampson, who 
 is able to brain them all." "Sir," replied Sampson, "I 
 may boldly venture on so many as you speak of, provided 
 you lend me one of your jaw-bones." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 171 
 
 The following epigram was occasioned by Miss H.'s elope- 
 ment from Oxford with her footman, at the time a gentleman 
 called by the wits of the University Dr. Toe, from his 
 peculiarity of walking, was paying his addresses to her. 
 
 " 'Twixt footman John and Dr. Toe 
 A rivalship befell, 
 "Which should be the happy beau, 
 And bear away the belle. 
 
 " The footman gained the lady's heart, 
 And who can blame her ? — No man ! 
 The whole prevailed against its part, — 
 'Twas Foot-man versus Toe-man.' ■ 
 
 An Irish gentleman, in company, a few nights since, 
 observing that the lights were so dim as only to render the 
 darkness visible, called out, lustily, " Here, waiter, let me 
 have a couple of dacent candles, that I may see how those 
 others burn." 
 
 A Gascon officer, demanding his salary from the minister 
 of war, maintained that he was in danger of dying of 
 hunger. The minister, who saw that his visage w r as full and 
 ruddy, told him his face gave the lie to his statement. i: Ah ! 
 sir," said the Gascon, " don't trust to that ! This face is not 
 mine ; it belongs to my landlord, who has given me credit 
 for a long time." 
 
 A countryman being requested to help a member of 
 Congress out of a ditch, replied that he had no hand ifi 
 State affairs. 
 
172 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 HEAD SERMONS. 
 
 The antipathy entertained by the Scotch of the lower 
 orders against read sermons is the subject of various good 
 jokes ; but of none, perhaps, better than the following. A 
 country clergyman, on the north side of the Forth, who had a 
 most zealous respect for true religion and sound toryism, was 
 guilty of this fault to a great degree, — was, indeed, as his 
 parishioners said, a perfect slave to the paper. At the 
 acquittal of the pure and lovely Queen Caroline, in 1821, the 
 inhabitants of the village where this clergyman's manse stood 
 resolved on having an illumination, as well as their neighbors, 
 and the bellman was sent round to announce the event. In 
 the course of his peregrinations, John stopped opposite the 
 manse, and read his proclamation. The news of a radical 
 illumination in the parish alarmed the minister extremely ; he 
 ran out, crying, " Stop, John; wha bade ye cry that? Ye 
 souldna cry that, John.' 7 "'Deed, sir," answered John, 
 " I '11 just cry what I'm paid for, and ne'er speer wha gies 
 me the paper." The minister, seeing that no good was to be 
 done in this way, made up to John, and, snatching the paper 
 from him, ran off. "Hoot, man," cried the sardonic Scot; 
 "yeneednarin sae fast; though ye canna tell your story 
 wanting your paper, d'ye think I canna do wanting mine? " 
 
 THE TWO STORY-TELLERS. 
 
 The clergymen of two adjoining parishes in Forfarshire, 
 about the end of the last century, were both alike remarkable 
 for an infinite fund of anecdote, as well as for a prodigious 
 willingness, or rather eagerness, to disclose it. When one 
 of them happened to be present in any company, he generally 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 173 
 
 monopolized, or rather prevented, all conversation ; when 
 both were present, there was a constant and keenly-contested 
 struggle for the first place. It fell out, on a certain morning, 
 that they breakfasted together, without any other company ; 
 when the host, having a kind of right of precedence, in virtue 
 of his place, commenced an excellent but very long-winded 
 story, which his guest was compelled to listen to, though dis- 
 posed, at the end of every sentence, to strike in with his 
 parallel and far more interesting tale. 
 
 THE CONTEST OF ART — ZEUXIS AND PARRHASIUS. 
 
 Many curious anecdotes are related of the former of these 
 celebrated painters. His dispute with Parrhasius is thu3 
 related by Pliny : Zeuxis had painted some grapes so natu- 
 rally that the birds used to come and peck at them ; and 
 Parrhasius had represented a curtain so artfully, that Zeuxis, 
 mistaking it for a real curtain, which hid his rival's work, 
 ordered it to be drawn aside, that he might see the painting 
 behind it. Discovering his mistake, he confessed himself 
 outdone, since he had only imposed upon birds, but Parr- 
 hasius had deceived even those who were judges of the art. 
 Another time he painted a boy loaded with grapes, when the 
 birds flew r again to his picture. At this he was exceedingly 
 vexed, and frankly acknowledged that it was not perfectly 
 finished, since, had he represented the boy as naturally as the 
 grapes, the birds would have been afraid of him. One of 
 Zeuxis' finest pieces was a Hercules strangling some dragons 
 in his cradle, in the presence of the affrighted mother. Some 
 are of opinion, however, that Helena was the picture by which 
 he gained the greatest reputation. He died immensely rich. 
 15* 
 
174 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 Valerius Flaccus says that his death was occasioned by an 
 immoderate fit of laughter, on looking at the picture of an old 
 woman he had drawn. 
 
 A gentleman who was always very generous to his rich 
 relations, and took no notice of his poor ones, was once riding 
 through a river, in the midst of which his horse stood still 
 and staled; whereupon his servant wittily said to him, " Sir, 
 your horse now resembles yourself, for he bestows his moist 
 bounty to the overflowing streams, when the ground is almost 
 barren for want of water.' 7 
 
 When Queen Elizabeth, in one of her progresses, soon 
 after the defeat of the Spanish Armada, visited Shrewsbury, 
 the mayor, on congratulating her on the memorable event, 
 said, " When the King of Spain attacked your majesty, egad! 
 he took the wrong sow by the earl " The queen could not 
 help smiling at this ; and her admiration was further height- 
 ened when, at her departure, he begged permission " to attend 
 her majesty to the gallows T n which stood a mile out of 
 town. 
 
 REDEMPTION. 
 
 The Count de Melas, a Spanish officer, debarred himself 
 and his soldiers, not only of every comfort, but even of neces- 
 saries ; and the effect of his extreme severity was the ruin 
 of the health of many. He died at Milan, where some of his 
 officers put upon his tomb these words of the creed: " Qui 
 propter nos et propter nostrum salutem, descendit ad 
 infernos" — "Who for us," &c. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 175 
 
 ANECDOTES OF DOCTOR FRANKLIN. 
 
 Doctor Franklin once examining a boy, at the request 
 of his father, relative to the progress he had made in his 
 learning, found him offering excuses for almost everything 
 which he should have done. This he listened to for some 
 time with great patience, and very much to the boy's satis- 
 faction, who thought he had deceived him. At last he said, 
 in his usual grave mannner, * : I grant you, young gentleman, 
 you have been very ingenious in your apologies for not 
 doing your duty, and as such I must report you to your 
 father; but this" I must likewise tell him, as well as you, — 
 that the boy who is good at excuses is generally good for 
 nothing else."' 
 
 When people who had got together a little money in trade 
 used to be capriciously wishing to live in the country (with- 
 out having a single quality or habit to fit them for agricul- 
 ture, its pursuit or enjoyments), he would dryly ask, " What 
 do you think of the country for 3 " " 0, because I am tired 
 of the town.*' '-And for this reason,' 7 replied he, — '-'you 
 want to re-tire in the country." 
 
 When he heard people say "they were tired of a thing, ;J 
 merely through the want of proper perseverance, he used to 
 reply, "Well, do as married people do, — tire and begin 
 again:'* 
 
 Franklin's father was a Puritan of the old stamp, and, with 
 other peculiarities of this sect, was accustomed to precede all 
 his meals with long prayers, and sometimes to say grace over 
 every particular dish. This not agreeing with the impatience 
 of young Franklin's appetite, who was then about eleven 
 years old, he determined to give his father a broad hint. 
 Accordingly, when, at the beginning of winter, he was, as 
 
176 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 usual, busy in salting provisions for the season, he asked his 
 father " whether it would not be better to crave a blessing, 
 once for all, on the whole cask of provisions, then, as it would 
 be a wonderful saving of time in future." 
 
 His peculiar talent was that of illustrating subjects by 
 apposite anecdotes. When he was agent in England for the 
 province of Pennsylvania, he was frequently applied to by the 
 ministry for his opinion respecting the operation of the Stamp 
 Act; but his answer was uniformly the same, "that the 
 people of America would never submit to iV\ 
 
 In an advertisement of a house in the country, it is men- 
 tioned, as one of the great advantages of its situation, that, in 
 all probability, a new road will be cut through it." 
 
 A clergyman, preaching some time ago in the neighbor- 
 hood of Wapping, England, observing that most of his audi- 
 ence were in the seafaring way, very properly embellished his 
 discourse with several nautical tropes and figures. Among 
 other things, he advised them to be "ever on the watch, so 
 that on whatever tack the devil should down upon them, he 
 might be crippled in the action." "Ay, master," cried a 
 jolly son of Neptune; "but, let me tell you that will depend 
 upon having the weather- gauge of him." 
 
 A lady told her husband she read the Art of Love on 
 purpose to be agreeable to him. " I would rather have love 
 without art," replied he. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 177 
 
 PROFESSIONAL SENSIBILITY. 
 
 An Italian painter has been seen to bedew with tears his 
 palette and pencils, because lie was employed to cover with a 
 drapery the greatest part of one of Raphael's paintings, in 
 which an infant Jesus appeared too naked. 
 
 RED HAIR. 
 
 Bentley's Miscellany, in a recent number, has an amus- 
 ing article on "Red Hair," which, for some reason or other, 
 has always been disliked in various parts of the world ; though 
 one of its shades, the auburn color, running into brown, has 
 always been as much admired as the bright red has been con- 
 temned. Red hair has been considered as betokening a cruel 
 and fiend-like disposition, and as appropriate to executioners. 
 Scott, in the "Talisman," gives Richard's headsman a "huge 
 red beard mingling with shaggy locks of the same color," and, 
 on the other hand, the Queen Berengaria is introduced with 
 "golden tresses." 
 
 Red hair is also regarded as a mark of craftiness and 
 treachery. In Spain it is called the hair of Judas, and he is 
 distinguished by it in the Spanish paintings. Shakspeare 
 makes Rosalind say of her lover, " His hair is of the dissem- 
 bling color;" to which Celia replies. "Something browner 
 than Judas." 
 
 Among the ancient nations, the Egyptians are most re- 
 markable for their aversion to red hair, and were accustomed 
 annually to offer a burnt sacrifice, in honor of their devil, 
 Typho, of a red-haired man ; but it is humanely suggested, 
 by way of mitigation, that they had long waged war with a 
 nation whose hair was of a reddish hue, and the victim was 
 only a prisoner of war ! 
 
178 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 The Chinese picture their devil as white, with red hair, 
 and denominate the English " red-haired devils, or barbari- 
 ans." A French traveller, more liberal than the Chinese, 
 says, " I spik always de trut, and I vill say dat I have seen 
 English vich had not red hair." 
 
 In the Highland clans, in Scotland, red hair is regarded as 
 a deformity. A nobleman, visiting a Highlander, inquired 
 for one of his sons, who was kept out of the way upon an 
 excuse which led to the supposition that he was infirm or daft. 
 But, on the father's producing a fine, handsome young man, 
 the nobleman exclaimed, "I see nothing the matter with 
 him ! " to which the father sorrowfully replied, " Nothing the 
 matter with him? Look at his hair ! " It was red. 
 
 The ancient Romans and the modern Italians have been 
 great admirers of women of golden-colored hair. 
 
 In our country red locks are not considered as contribut- 
 ing to beauty, in either sex ; but the red-haired people are 
 usually more than commonly endowed in their mental consti- 
 tution, and can afford to offset brains against hair. Some of 
 the greatest men have been crowned with red hair ; amongst 
 them that vigorous old pirate, William the Conqueror, of 
 England, the blood of whose followers still flows in the veins 
 of New England men. 
 
 CAKRYING BUNDLES. 
 
 Many people have a contemptible fear of being seen to 
 carry any bundle, however small, having the absurd idea that 
 there is a social degradation in the act. The most trifling as 
 well as weighty packages must be sent to them, no matter 
 how much to the inconvenience of others. This arises from a 
 low kind of pride. There is a pride that is higher, that arises 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 179 
 
 from a consciousness of there being something in the indi- 
 vidual not to be affected by such accidents — worth and weight 
 of character. This latter pride was exhibited by the Ameri- 
 can son of Jerome Napoleon Bonaparte. While he was in 
 college, at Cambridge, he was one day carrying to his room a 
 broom he had just purchased, when he met a friend, who, 
 noticing the broom with surprise, exclaimed, " Why did you 
 not have it sent home V : :i I am not ashamed to carry home 
 anything which belongs to me," was the sensible reply of 
 young Bonaparte. Very different pride was this from that 
 of a young lady whom we know, who always gave her mother 
 all the bundles to carry when they went out together, because 
 she thought it vulgar to be seen with one herself. 
 
 A MATCH FOR SHERIDAN. 
 
 Sheridan sometimes met with his match, and that in 
 quarters where it might have been least expected. He was 
 one day endeavoring to cut a suit of new clothes out of a tail- 
 or's shop in the city. Flattery was the weapon he employed. 
 t: Upon my word," said he, '-you are an excellent finisher; 
 you beat our snips in the West End hollow. Why don't you 
 push your thimble amongst us 7 I'll recommend you every- 
 where. Upon my honor, your work does you infinite credit.*' 
 " Yes/" replied the artist, " I always take care that my work 
 gives long credit, but the wearers ready money. , ?? 
 
 A chemist, discoursing of drugs, asserted that all bitter 
 things were hot. "No," observed one present; " there is 
 one of a very different quality, and that is a bitter cold 
 dayr 
 
180 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 BENEFIT OF STAMMERING. 
 
 A stammering Lord Deloraine, being in a cock-pit and 
 offering several bets which he would have lost if he could 
 have replied in time, at length offered ten pounds to a crown. 
 A gambler, who stood by, said "Done; " but his lordship's 
 fit of stammering happening to seize him at that moment, he 
 could not repeat the word " Done" till the favorite cock was 
 beat. " Confound your stuttering tongue ! " cried the leg ; 
 " if you could speak like other folk, you would be ruined." 
 
 ALL OR NONE. 
 
 At the siege of Charleroi, the Duke of Marlborough or- 
 dered an officer to take twelve volunteers out of his regiment 
 for an exploit of peculiar hazard. The officer signified the 
 order to his regiment; all remained silent and motionless; 
 three times the question was received in silence. " How is 
 this?" exclaimed the officer; "do you hear me?" "You 
 are heard, sir," cried one in the ranks; "but why do you 
 call for twelve volunteers ? We are all so ; you have only to 
 choose." 
 
 GENEROUS SENTIMENT. 
 
 M. Flechier, speaking of Marshal Turenne, says, "He 
 reckoned his own misfortunes as faults ; but, more indulgent 
 to others, he reckoned their faults as misfortunes." 
 
 At a late review of the militia, a young Englishman ob- 
 served " they were not English troops." " No," replied his 
 friend, " but they beat them" 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 181 
 
 DR. JAMES. 
 
 Dr. James is said to have been indebted for the discovery 
 of the celebrated powder long known by his name to a Ger- 
 man called Swanberg ; but such is generally the fate of orig- 
 inal inventors, that the German died almost starving, while 
 James, and many of his successors in the sale of this medi- 
 cine, rode in their coaches. 
 
 James being once asked his opinion of the difference be- 
 tween a doctor and an apothecary, replied. c: It did not become 
 him to decide on such a delicate point. However, he would 
 tell the company an anecdote, which perhaps might elucidate 
 the question. A monkey, belonging to a gentleman's house 
 in the country, observed the butler one day go into the cel- 
 lar, take the spigot out of the barrel, draw himself a jug of 
 ale, and then return it into the barrel again. When the but- 
 ler went away, Jacko, who wished to be an imitator without 
 the capacity of his original, drew the spigot out of the bar- 
 rel; but, not knowing how to stop it again, let the beer 
 run all about the place, while he frisked up and down stairs, 
 in the greatest fright and confusion imaginable. 7 ' 
 
 RUSTIC NOTION OF THE RESURRECTION. 
 
 It is the custom in Scotland for the elders to assist the 
 minister, in visiting the sick ; and on such occasions they give 
 the patient and the surrounding gossips the benefit of prayers. 
 Being generally well acquainted in the different families, they 
 often sit an hour or two after the sacred rites, to chat with 
 those who are in health, and to receive the benefit of a dram. 
 On one of these occasions, at the house of Donald M'Intyre, 
 whose wife had been confined to her fire-side and arm-chair 
 for many years, the elder and Donald grew unco gracious. 
 16 
 
182 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 Glass after glass was filled from the bottle, and the elder en- 
 tered into a number of metaphysical discussions, which he 
 had heard from the minister. Among other topics was the 
 Kesurrection. The elder was strenuous in support of the 
 rising of the same body ; but Donald could not comprehend 
 how a body once dissolved in the dust could be reanimated. 
 At last, catching what he thought a glimpse of the subject, 
 he exclaimed, " Weel, weel, Sandy, ye 're richt sae far. You 
 and me, that are strong healthy folk, may rise again ; but 
 that peer thing there far she sits (that poor thing there where 
 she sits), s/ie'll ne'er rise again." 
 
 SIR GEORGE MACKENZIE. 
 
 This great man left his estates to an heiress, who was mar- 
 ried to the Earl of Bute. It is said that the earl married that 
 young lady under very extraordinary circumstances, and after 
 having practised a most laughable ruse upon her father. En- 
 tertaining no hope of procuring Sir George's consent to the 
 match, his lordship went to him in the capacity of a client 
 wishing to consult a lawyer, related to him all the circum- 
 stances of the case with the exception of the name of the 
 young lady, and asked, in conclusion, how he should proceed ; 
 and if, in the event of their being married without the father's 
 consent, they might be disappointed in enjoying his estates 
 after his death. Sir George, totally unconscious that himself 
 and his daughter were the persons concerned, gave an advice 
 which tended to the very event he was expected to be adverse 
 to, — the clandestine marriage of his daughter to the Earl of 
 Bute. 
 
 Either the future or the past is written in every face, and 
 makes us, if not melancholy, at least mild and gentle. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 183 
 
 TWO POETS TO ONE COUPLET. 
 
 A young student, walking with another round the Calton 
 Hill, at Edinburgh, began to expatiate on the matchless beau- 
 ties and infinite variety of the views which were to be ob- 
 tained from that site: and he at length confessed that, 
 inspired by the admirable prospect of the coast of Fife, on 
 the opposite side of the Firth of Forth, he had commenced a 
 poem in its praise ; — but he had, somehow, failed to get 
 beyond the first line, — 
 
 " Again we see upon the northern shore." 
 
 '•Why, man, 5 ' answered his companion, U I think it would 
 be no difficult matter to make that a couplet. Let me see, — 
 
 c Kinghorn still standing where it stood before. ' " 
 
 An Irish soldier once returning from battle in the night, 
 marching a little way behind his companion, called out to 
 him, "Hollo, Pat, I have cotch a Tartar!" " Bring him 
 along, then ; bring him along, then ! " "Ay, but ho won't 
 come." "Why, then, come away without him." "By 
 jingo ! but he won't let me." 
 
 A horse-stealer was brought to be examined before a 
 justice, who, finding the felony apparent, "Well, sirrah," 
 says he, " if thou art not hanged for this, I '11 be hanged for 
 you ! " "I humbly thank your worship," replied the thief, 
 ' • and when the time comes I desire you not to be out of the 
 way." 
 
 In Massachusetts there is sledding, in Virginia there is 
 Wheeling. 
 
184 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF SIBBALD, EDITOR OF CHRONICLES OF SCOT- 
 TISH POETRY. 
 
 Mr. James Sibbald, editor of the Chronicles of Scottish 
 Poetry, was a man of eccentricity and humor. For three or 
 four years he resided in London, without ever letting his 
 Scotch friends know anything of his proceedings, or even 
 where he lived. At last his brother, a Leith merchant, found 
 means to get a letter conveyed to him, the object of which was 
 to inquire into his circumstances, and to ask where he resided. 
 Sibbald sent the following laconic reply : 
 
 " Dear Brother : 
 
 " I live in So-ho, and my business is so-so. 
 
 64 Yours, 
 
 " James Sibbald. 
 
 AMBASSADOR. 
 
 Philip II. sent a young nobleman to Rome to congratulate 
 Sixtus V. on his exaltation. Sixtus was dissatisfied at so 
 young an ambassador being sent, and, with his usual frank- 
 ness, said, £i Does your master want men, that he sends to me 
 a beardless ambassador?" " Had my sovereign thought," 
 replied the haughty Spaniard, " that merit consisted in a 
 beard, he would have sent you a goat" 
 
 "NEVER ENDING, STILL BEGINNING." 
 
 The mania of Catharine II., Empress of Russia, to sketch 
 everything, and complete nothing, drew from Joseph II. a 
 very shrewd and satirical remark. During his travels in 
 Tauris, he was invited by her to place the second stone of a 
 town, of which she had herself, with great parade, laid the 
 first. On his return, he said, "I have finished, in a single 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 185 
 
 day, a very important business with the Empress of Russia ; 
 she has laid the first stone of a city, and I have laid the 
 last." 
 
 Dr. Stuckly once waited upon Sir Isaac Newton, a little 
 before dinner-time ; but he had given orders not to be called 
 down to anybody till his dinner was upon the table. At 
 length a boiled chicken was brought in, and Stuckly waited 
 till it was near quite cold, when, being very hungry, he ate it 
 up, and ordered another to be dressed for Sir Isaac, who 
 came down before the second was ready, and, seeing the dish 
 and cover of the first, which had been removed, he lifted up 
 the latter, and, turning to Dr. Stuckly, said, " What strange 
 folks we studious people are ! I really forgot I had dined." 
 
 A gentleman, having put out a candle by accident one 
 night, ordered his waiting-man (who was a simple being) to 
 light it again in the kitchen. " But take care, John," added 
 he, " that you do not hit yourself against anything, in the 
 dark." Mindful of the caution, John stretched out both his 
 arms at full length before him ; but unluckily a door, which 
 stood half open, passed between his hands, and struck him a 
 woful blow upon the nose. " Dickens ! " muttered he, when 
 he recovered his senses a little; "I always heard that I had 
 a plaguy long nose, but I vow I never have thought before 
 that it was longer than my arm." 
 
 Anacharsis, the Scythian sage, being asked in what re- 
 spect learned men differed from unlearned, answered, "As 
 the living from the dead." 
 16* 
 
186 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SCOT AND A SOT. 
 
 Hovedan, a writer of the thirteenth century, informs us 
 that Joannes Scotus, the early Scotch philosopher, being in 
 company with Charles the Bold, King of Prance, that mon- 
 arch asked him, good-humoredly, what was the difference 
 between a Scot and a Sot. Scotus, who sat opposite the 
 king, answered, " Only the breadth of the table. v 
 
 PETER AND MARTIN. 
 
 The sensible, ingenious and philanthropical Sterne, had 
 brought up four dogs ; one he called Peter, the other Mar- 
 tin. He had given to each a disciple, or proselyte, and had 
 maintained between the parties a great animosity. Peter 
 never saw Martin but he was ready to jump on and devour 
 him ; and Martin had an equal hatred for him. When 
 Sterne wished to divert himself, he called Peter and Martin. 
 Each took his place, — the one on his right hand, the other 
 on his left ; and each with his disciple beside him. Sterne 
 then spoke to Peter, to invite him to agree with Martin. Pe- 
 ter, by his continual barking, and the sparkling of his eyes, 
 seemed to say that he w r ould listen to no accommodation. He 
 afterwards turned to Martin, towards whom his wishes of 
 union were equally unavailing. "Let us see/ 7 said Sterne, 
 "if, by a conference, your spirits and sentiments may become 
 more conformable." He brought them together. They at 
 first conversed together, by barking gently. They seemed, by 
 their growling, to answer each other, till at length they insens- 
 ibly attacked each other in furious combat, and would prob- 
 ably have torn each other to pieces, had they not been parted. 
 The amiable Sterne, as an excuse for the apparent folly of 
 amusing himself in this manner, contended, with probably a 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES 187 
 
 great degree of truth, that the conduct of his dogs afforded 
 him an apt type of the sanguinary animosities that have been 
 produced, even in the most humane and generous nations, by 
 religious controversy, or difference of opinion. 
 
 EXTRAORDINARY IGNORANCE. 
 
 Sir John Germain, ancestor of Lady Betty Germain, was 
 a Dutch adventurer, who came over to England in the reign 
 of King Charles II. He had an intrigue with a countess, 
 who was divorced, and married him. This man was so igno- 
 rant that, being told that Sir Matthew Decker wrote St. Mat- 
 thew's gospel, he firmly believed it. " I doubted," says 
 Lord Orford, "this tale very much, till I asked a lady of 
 quality, his descendant, about it, who told me it was most 
 true. She added that Sir John Germain w 7 as, in consequence, 
 so much persuaded of Sir Matthew's piety, that by his will 
 he left two hundred pounds to Sir Matthew, to be by him dis- 
 tributed among the Dutch paupers in London." 
 
 During Lord Holland's late illness, George Selwyn called 
 and left his card. Selwyn had a fondness for seeing dead 
 bodies ; and the dying lord, fully comprehending his feeling, 
 is said to have remarked, "If Mi. Selwyn calls again, show 
 him up. If I am alive, I shall be delighted to see him ; and 
 if I am dead, he will like to see me." 
 
 The greatest praise a preacher can receive is the silence 
 of his auditors ; for, when they leave church in a pensive 
 manner, their silence is very expressive. 
 
188 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 PRESBYTERIAN COMFORT. 
 
 A witty democrat, deploring the fate of Mr. Livingston, 
 neglected by the house and maltreated by Porcupine, in spite 
 of his eloqueace and apt allusion to Shakspeare, applies to 
 the New York orator a fragment from Dr. Watts : 
 
 ' ' See, Tvhat a Living-stone 
 The builders did refuse ! " 
 
 The favorite way of committing suicide in this country, 
 just now, is by using camphene and burning-fluid lamps. If 
 somebody would invent a lamp for gunpowder, which would 
 do the work of death still more effectually, it would undoubt- 
 edly become popular among the users of camphene. 
 
 A man, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage 
 that, though taken in great quantities, it always made him 
 fat. "I have seen the time," said another, "when it made 
 you lean" "When, I should like to know ? " said the eulo- 
 gist. "Why, no longer since than last night — against the 
 wall." 
 
 There has been, it seems, great slaughter among clergy- 
 men. The Burlington Sentinel heads the article about the 
 explosion of the James Jackson as follows : " Terrible Steam- 
 boat Accident ! Thirty-five parsons killed and wounded ! " 
 
 One being choked with a honeycomb, his friends began to 
 bemoan him. " Why do you make such lamentation? " said 
 another, " for never did any man die a sweeter death." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 189 
 
 GOLDEN TIDE. 
 
 The Duke of Bourbon had dipped deep in the stream of 
 Mr. Law's System, and magnificently embellished his chateau 
 of Chantilly, at which he received Louis XV. on his return 
 from Eheims. This gave occasion to a pleasant remark, that 
 ' : the river of Mississippi must necessarily have passed by 
 Chantilly." 
 
 The editor of the Gazette of the United States in the 
 following caustic and witty manner notices the primary as- 
 semblies of our towns : "In the index to the second volume 
 of the laws of Xew York (Greenleaf s edition), occurs this 
 odd reference, c Swixe, — see Town-meetings? JJ 
 
 A YOUNG lady at Wirtemberg has been suffocated lately by 
 the fragrant effluvia of various kinds of flowers kept in her 
 bed-chamber. This, we suppose, is the death which Pope has 
 so elegantly painted, in his poetical epistles to Bolingbroke : 
 
 " Or, quick effluvia darting through the brain, 
 Die of a rose in aromatic pain." 
 
 A Mb. Auger, in a southern paper, advertises a large 
 tract of land for sale. We should advise adventurers to be 
 careful how they purchase, as, from the name of the proprie- 
 tor, we think there is a probability of their being bored. 
 
 Two comedians having laid a wager as to which of them 
 sang the best, they agreed to refer it to Kelley, who under- 
 took to be arbitrator on this occasion. A day was accordingly 
 
190 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 agreed upon, and both of the parties executed to the best of 
 their abilities before him. As soon as they had finished, he 
 proceeded to give judgment in the following manner : "As 
 for you, sir," addressing himself to the first, " you are the 
 worst singer I ever heard in all my life." " Ah," said the 
 other, exultingly, " I knew I should win my wager." " Stop 
 sir," said the arbitrator; " I have a word to say to you before 
 you go, which is this, — that, as for you, you cannot sing at 
 all!" 
 
 In some parts of Maryland the corn grows so short that 
 the farmers have to get down on their knees to pull it. Sev- 
 eral years ago, Mr. Corwin, in company with a friend, was 
 passing through the most sterile region of the western shore. 
 Seeing a man on his knees in a field near the road, they ac- 
 costed him, and inquired w T hat he was doing. He answered 
 that he was pulling corn. " Ah, I see," said Mr. Corwin, in 
 a tone of apology and commiseration, "you must be very 
 poor, indeed." "Not so very poor as you might imagine," 
 replied the farmer, rising to his feet, and surveying the short 
 group around him ; "I don't own all this land." 
 
 The notorious Burroughs, visiting a clergyman where he 
 was not known, engaged to preach for him ; but previous to 
 Sunday morning decamped with his brother's cash, and left 
 the following words for the morrow's text: "Ye shall seek 
 me, and shall not find me." 
 
 The following curious advertisement appeared in a Con- 
 cord, N. H., paper: "Whereas I, Daniel Clay, through mis- 
 representation, was induced to post my wife Rhoda in the 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 191 
 
 papers, now beg leave to inform the public that I have taken 
 her to wifej after settling all our domestic broils in an amia- 
 ble manner : so that everything, as usual, goes on like clock- 
 work." 
 
 "WHAT CAN ENNOBLE SLATES, OR SOTS, OR COWARDS?" 
 
 Among the admirable axioms of Sir Thomas Overbury, 
 there is one which places the knight's opinion of family hon- 
 ors in a very conspicuous point of view. He says that the 
 man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious an- 
 cestors is like a potato,, the only good thing about him is 
 under ground. 
 
 Whex Foote was once walking with his friend Gahagan in 
 Soho-square, they met a most miserable object, who earnestly 
 solicited their charity. Gahagan refused ; and, on Foote giv- 
 ing a few pence, said, " I believe you are imposed upon, for I 
 am morally certain that fellow is an impostor." " He is 
 either the most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw 
 in my life," replied the comedian; "and, as either one or 
 the other, he has a brotherly claim upon meP 
 
 A soldier was sentenced, for deserting, to have his ear 
 cut off. After undergoing the brutal ordeal, he was escorted 
 out of the court-yard to the tune of " Rogue's March." He 
 then turned, and, in^mock dignity, thus addressed the musi- 
 cians : ^Gentlemen, I thank you; but I have no ear for 
 music." 
 
 Foote. being upon a visit at Lord Townshend's, at Rayn- 
 ham. happened one morning to look into the pig-sty, and saw 
 
192 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 a silver spoon among the pigs' victuals. One of the house- 
 maids coming by, and perceiving Mr. Foote, cried out, 
 u Plague on the pigs, — what a noise they make ! " " Well 
 they may," said Foote, "for they have but one silver spoon 
 between them." 
 
 PAINTING. 
 
 " I will admit," said Hogarth, " all the world to be com- 
 petent judges of my pictures, excepting those of my profes- 
 
 NOBLES TO NINE-PENCE. 
 
 The predominant passion of Albert, Elector of Cologne, 
 was the love of show and magnificence. His extravagance 
 and profusion were very great. His prodigality gave birth to 
 a curious manufacture, — that of Bantschow. It consisted 
 of utensils for eating and drinking, made of wood, and finely 
 gilt. The elector made use of them as his service of plate, 
 which he had been obliged to pledge. 
 
 A BONNE BOUCHE. 
 
 An elderly lady, on a visit at Margate, went into the mar- 
 ket, having made up her mind to buy a goose. There were but 
 two in the market, both in custody of a little cherry-cheeked 
 lass from Birchington, who, to the surprise of her customer, 
 positively refused to sell one without the other. Recollecting 
 that a neighbor had also expressed a wish for one, the lady 
 was, without much difficulty, prevailed on to take both. 
 "When the bargain was concluded, however, she thought 
 proper to inquire of the vendor why she had so peremptorily 
 declined selling them separately. " If you please, my lady," 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 103 
 
 ■was the naive answer ; " Mother said as how the geese had 
 lived together fifteen years ^ and it would be cruel to part 
 them/' 
 
 EQUITY. 
 
 A gentleman resident at Harrow made frequent com- 
 plaints to the masters of the great school there, of his garden 
 being stripped of its fruit, even before it became ripe, — but 
 to no purpose. Tired of applying to the masters for redress, 
 he at length appealed to the boys, and, sending for one to his 
 house, he said, " Xow. my good fellow, I'll make this agree- 
 ment with you and your companions. Let the fruit remain 
 on the trees till it becomes ripe, and I promise to give you 
 half. ;? The boy coolly replied, " I can say nothing to the 
 proposition, sir, myself, but will make it known to the rest of 
 the boys, and inform you of their decision to-morrow." To- 
 morrow came, and brought with it this reply : " The gentle- 
 men of Harrow cannot agree to receive so unequal a share,, 
 since Mr. is an individual, and we are many." 
 
 STRONG LIKENESS. 
 
 Johnson, being asked if Edmund Burke resembled Tul- 
 lius Cicero, answered, " No, sir; he resembles Edmund 
 Burke." The truth is that, being both men of extraor- 
 dinary wisdom, they, upon practical subjects, argue as all 
 men of true wisdom argue. They were both first-rate 
 speakers, according to situation and country ; but their com- 
 positions were no more alike than those of Hume and Tacitus, 
 or Kobertson and Livy, because the two Britons resembled 
 the two Romans in the general circumstances of being the 
 first historians of their nation. 
 17 
 
194 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 RESULT OF A QUARREL. 
 
 A vicar and curate of a village, -where there was to be 
 a burial, were at variance. The vicar not coming in time, 
 the curate began the service, and was reading the words, "I 
 am the resurrection,' 7 when the vicar arrived, almost out of 
 breath, and, snatching the ^ book out of the curate's hands, 
 with great scorn, cried, " You the resurrection! /am the 
 resurrection ; " and then went on. 
 
 A person having a horse very hardy, and with but very 
 little stomach, thought, by degrees, he might make him live 
 without hay or oats, so subtracted daily something from his 
 meat, till at last the horse died. Going to carry him off to 
 the crows, his neighbor asked, " How came it to die?" 
 "Why, I thought," answered he, "to make him live on 
 nothing ; and just as I brought him to it, he died. 
 
 An Irish trader being on a visit in Flanders, his friend, 
 after carrying him about the city to show him the curiosities, 
 at length proposed to him to go to see Castor and Pollux, two 
 celebrated statues. "Castor and Pollux," replied he, "I 
 never heard of that house before. I suppose it has been 
 lately established. Do they deal in linen 1 " 
 
 An honest clergyman in the country was reproving a mar- 
 ried couple for their frequent dissensions, seeing they were 
 both one. " Both one ! " cried the husband; "were you to 
 come by our door sometimes when we quarrel, you would 
 swear we were twenty/' 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 195 
 
 PLURALITIES. 
 WHBN George I. landed at Greenwich, the inhabitants, after 
 discussing the subject of what was the highest honor they 
 could confer upon the newly-arrived sovereign, determined 
 upon electing him church- warden, which was accordingly done. 
 A dispute, however, afterwards took place in the vestry, as to 
 whether he who was elected to serve the office of king could 
 serve the office of church- warden at the same time. 
 
 LORD BARRYMORE. 
 
 One evening Lord Barrymore made a remark which 
 transported Anthony Pasquin so much, that he vociferated for 
 writing materials to note it down. The former called him to 
 order, and asked what he wanted. " Ink — ink — ink, my 
 lord!" he replied, striking his hand on the table. " Do 
 you?" said his lordship; " wash your hands, and then you'll 
 get a quart. 7 ' 
 
 WITTY REJOINDER. 
 
 Councillor Lamb, an old man when the present Lord 
 Erskine was in the height of his reputation, was a man of 
 timid manners and nervous disposition, and usually prefaced 
 his pleadings with an apology to that effect. On one occasion, 
 when opposed to Erskine, he remarked that he " felt himself 
 growing more and more timid, as he grew older." " No 
 wonder," replied the witty but relentless barrister; " every 
 one knows the older a Lamb grows, the more sheepish he 
 becomes." 
 
 Among the advertisements in the London Times is one for 
 a nurse in CJ a small gentleman's family." 
 
196 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 THE SQUIRE AND HIS MISTRESS. 
 A COUNTRY squire being one day in company with his 
 mistress, and wanting his valet, pompously cried out, " Where 
 is the blockhead?' 7 "Upon your shoulders," replied the 
 lady. 
 
 PARDON OF INJURIES. 
 A satiric poet had published some severe verses against 
 the vizier of the Caliph Aziz, in which the caliph himself was 
 not spared. The vizier complained of it, and demanded the 
 punishment of the author. Aziz, having read the satire, said 
 to him, " As I take part in the abuse, I desire that you will 
 share with me the merit of pardoning him." 
 
 PASQUINADES. 
 
 Pasquinades are a sort of satire which took their name 
 from a mutilated statue, called Pasquin, to which they were 
 attached. It is commonly supposed to have its name from 
 a buffoon tailor of the neighborhood, whose shop was a sort 
 of receptacle for news and satiric effusions. There was 
 another statue, called Marsorio, to which, when the satire 
 assumed a colloquial form, the answers were affixed. 
 
 A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, having 
 fallen asleep in his chair, a negro boy, who was in waiting, 
 observed a mosquito hovering round his face. Quashi eyed 
 the insect very attentively ; at last he saw him alight on his 
 master's nose, and immediately fly off. "Ah, bless you 
 heart ! " exclaimed the negro, " me glad to see you burn you 
 foot." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 197 
 
 HAPPINESS ! 
 
 The answer of Jacob, Joseph's hoary father, to Pharaoh, 
 ought to impress every one who can read. " What may your 
 age be?" said the king to him. "An hundred and thirty 
 years,"' answered the old man ; " and, in this short pilgrimage, 
 I have not seen one happy day." 
 
 THE AGE OF CHIVALRY NOT PAST. 
 At least, in one of its primary objects, which were, 1st. The 
 protection of the ladies ; 2d. The security of the public roads. 
 Chivalry and knighthood began in the eleventh century, 
 by an association of noblemen, who engaged, and even vowed 
 solemnly, "to maintain the security of the public roads, and 
 to protect the ladies." This association began in France, and 
 soon spread through Europe. It seems to have continued 
 longer in Spain than in any other country, from local and 
 other causes. 
 
 An honest Hibernian, whose bank-pocket (in his own 
 words) had stopped payment, was forced to the sad necessity 
 of perambulating the streets at Manchester two nights 
 together, for want of a few pence to pay his lodging, when, 
 accidentally hearing a person talk of the lying-in hospital, he 
 exclaimed, "That's the place for me, honey, — where is it? 
 for, by St. Patrick, I 've been lying out these two nights ! " 
 
 All artificial movements, which come not from the very 
 heart of the people, but are made by money, are mere revolts. 
 Revolutions are not possible only where there is a great reason 
 for them. — Kossuth. 
 17* 
 
198 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 LUTHER, 
 This Augustinian friar was born at Isleb, in Saxony, in 
 1483. Want was his first inducement to embrace a monastic 
 life ; superstition determined him in it. Shocked by a clap 
 of thunder, which killed one of his friends by his side, he 
 threw himself, at two-and-twenty years of age, into a convent 
 of Augustinian friars. 
 
 THE PREVIOUS QUESTION. 
 
 During the administration of the regent, Duke of Orleans, 
 the favorites, mistresses, &c, made a trade of reducing the 
 taxes. A certain contractor, who was taxed at fifty thousand 
 pounds sterling, replied to a nobleman who offered to get him 
 acquitted for twelve thousand five hundred pounds, " Faith, 
 my lord, you come too late ; I have already agreed with your 
 lady for six thousand two hundred and fifty." 
 
 DIVERTING VAGABOND. 
 Mossop, the player, always spoke in heroics. A cobbler 
 in Dublin, who once brought home his boots, refused to leave 
 them without the money. Mossop came in whilst he was 
 disputing, and, looking sternly, exclaimed. " Tell me, are you 
 the noted cobbler I have often heard of? " " Yes," says the 
 fellow, "and I think you the diverting vagabond I have often 
 
 A WORD TO SNUFF-TAKERS. 
 A lady asked her physician whether snuff was injurious to 
 the brain. " No," said he, " for nobody who has any 
 brains ever takes snuff." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 199 
 
 SOLITUDE. 
 
 The celebrated Dr. Young was fond of retirement. A young 
 man, who observed him often walking alone, said to him, one 
 day, in accosting him, " Sir, how can you bear this soli- 
 tude?" " I had only begun to be alone," answered Young, 
 " at the moment you accosted me." 
 
 VALUE OF JUSTCE. 
 M. Camus, having bought a charge of bailiff for his son, 
 advised him never to work in vain, but to raise contribu- 
 tions on those who wanted his assistance. " What, father," 
 said the son, in surprise, "would you have me sell justice?" 
 " Why not?" answered the father : "is so scarce an article 
 to be given for nothing?" 
 
 FEMALE QUARRELS. 
 
 The spretce injuria for mce is the greatest with a woman. 
 
 The Earl of Chesterfield, hearing that two of his female 
 
 relations had quarrelled, asked, "Did they call each other 
 
 U g]y 7" " £To." << Well, well ; I shall soon reconcile them." 
 
 A dissenting minister, not many years since deceased, 
 married three wives : the first, for her riches ; the second, on 
 account of her personal charms ; the third, he married in old 
 age, merely for the sake of securing her attention and his own 
 comfort ; this last, however, who survived him, proved an 
 abominable shrew. "I have," said the reverend old man to 
 a friend, "had, in my time, three wives ; the tcorld, the flesh, 
 and the devil, — but the devil sticks by." 
 
200 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 LITERARY GUZZLEMENT. 
 
 Hume, Smith, and other literati of the last century, used 
 to frequent a tavern in a low street in Edinburgh, called the 
 Potterrow; where, if their accommodations were not of the 
 first order, they had, at least, no cause to complain of the 
 scantiness of their victuals. One day, as the landlady was 
 bringing in a third supply of some particularly good dish, she 
 thus addressed them : " They ca' ye the liter awti, I believe ; 
 od, if they were to ca' ye the eaterawti, they would be nearer 
 the mark. 77 
 
 ANECDOTE OF THE SHORTER CATECHISM. 
 
 A Scotch clergyman was one day catechising his flock in 
 the church. The bedral, or church-officer, being somewhat 
 ill-read in the Catechism, thought it best to keep a modest 
 place near the door, in the hope of escaping the inquisition. 
 But the clergyman observed him, and called him forward. 
 " John," said he, " what is baptism?" " Ou, sir," answered 
 John, scratching his head, " ye ken; it's just sax-pence to 
 me, and fifteen-pence to the precentor." 
 
 A man whose name was Herring, dropping accidentally 
 into a river, desired one that stood on the bank to lend him 
 his hand for the helping him out. " 0, no," said he, u by 
 no means; for water is the Herring's proper element." 
 
 A biography of Eobespierre in an Irish paper concludes 
 thus : " This extraordinary man left no children behind him, 
 except his brother, who was killed at the same time." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 201 
 
 THE AUTHOR OF WAVERLEY. 
 
 Mrs. Murray Keith, a venerable Scotch lady, from whom 
 Sir Walter Scott derived many of the traditionary stories 
 and anecdotes wrought up in his admirable fictions, taxed 
 him one day with the authorship, which he, as usual, stoutly 
 denied. "What," exclaimed the old lady, "d'ye think I 
 dinna ken my ain groats anions other folk's kail ?" 
 
 REASONS FOR THE SCOTCH BEING GREAT SMUGGLERS. 
 
 An Englishman once expressed great surprise, in a com- 
 pany of literati at Edinburgh, that the Scotch should be so 
 much addicted to smuggling, seeing that they are a remarka- 
 bly sober and moral people. He thought it must be much 
 against their conscience. " 0, not at all, sir," said Mr- 
 R d, a noted punster, who was present: "what is con- 
 science but a l small still voice' V* "Further," added Pro- 
 fessor AY , "it is : the worm that never dies.' " 
 
 BETTERTON. 
 
 Archbishop Sancroft once asked this celebrated actor, 
 " Pray. Mr. Betterton, can you inform me what is the reason 
 you actors on the stage affect your audience by speaking of 
 things imaginary as if they were real, while we in the 
 church speak of things redt } which our congregations receive 
 only as if they were imaginary? " "'Why, really, my 
 lordr" said Betterton, "I don't know; except it is, that we 
 actors speak of things imaginary as if they were real, while 
 you in the pulpit speak of things real as if they were imagi- 
 nary." 
 
202 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A ROUGH ROAD. 
 
 A young Tennessean, who was taken by the enemy at New 
 Orleans, on the night of the same day was asked how far it 
 was to the city, and answered, " Six miles." They replied, 
 
 We will be there to-morrow." "It is not far," said he, 
 " but it is a very rough road." "What is in the way?" 
 " Old Hickory" replied the young man. 
 
 a 
 
 EXAMPLE. 
 
 Madame de Longueyille was advised to go to court, in 
 order to give it a good example. "I cannot," said she, 
 " show a better example than in quitting it." 
 
 SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION. 
 
 Santeuil, preaching one day upon the Evangelist of the 
 Samaritan, said, " Don't be surprised at this evangelist being 
 so long ; it is a woman who speaks." 
 
 A CHINESE ANECDOTE. 
 
 In China there has existed, from time immemorial, an his- 
 torical tribunal, instituted in order to perpetuate the virtues 
 and vices of the reigning monarch. One day the Emperor 
 Tai-t-song ordered this tribunal to produce the history of his 
 reign. "You know," answered the president, "that we 
 give an exact detail of the virtues and vices of our sove- 
 reigns ; and we are no longer at liberty to record the truth, 
 if our registers be subject to your inspection." " What ! " 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 203 
 
 replied the emperor, "you transmit my history to posterity, 
 and do you assume the liberty to acquaint it with my faults 1 " 
 "It is inconsistent with my character," rejoined the president, 
 " and with the dignity of my place, ever to disguise the truth. 
 I am bound to record the whole. If you are guilty of even the 
 slightest fault, I shall sensibly feel it ; but I must not forget 
 my duty — I cannot be silent. And such is the exactness 
 and severity of the duties which my office of historian imposes 
 upon me, that I am not even suffered to omit our present 
 conversation." Tai-t-song had an elevation of soul. " Con- 
 tinue," said he to the president, "to write the truth, without 
 constraint. May my virtues and vices contribute to the pub- 
 lic utility, and be instructive to my successors ! Your tribu- 
 nal is free. I will forever protect it, and permit it to write 
 my history with the greatest impartiality." What an excel- 
 lent lesson to the princes of the earth ! Happy for their 
 subjects, did they constantly reflect that the faithful hand of 
 history will not fail to render them dear or odious to the latest 
 times ! 
 
 POETRY AND PAINTING. 
 
 Boileau said, "As tradesmen are continually wanting 
 signs for their shops, a bad painter is always of some use; 
 but what is a bad poet good for ! " 
 
 GOOD REASON. 
 
 An old bed-ridden peasant in Fife one day called to his 
 grandson, a little boy, "Jock, bring me a drink of cauld 
 water." Jock, who remembered that there was no water in 
 the house, except a small quantity at the bottom of a pitcher, 
 
204 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 which had become muddy, asked his venerable relation if he 
 would prefer it with what he called " a flitcher o' meal on the 
 tap o ? t?" " No/ ? answered the old man; "bring it by 
 itself." "Then," said Jock, in a tone of evident chagrin, 
 " I '11 hae to gang to the wall for 't." 
 
 A GOOD CUSTOMER. 
 
 When the son of a certain London banker had eloped to 
 Scotland with a great heiress, whom he married, still retain- 
 ing a paternal taste for parsimony, he objected to the demand 
 of two guineas made by the priest of Gretna Green, stating 
 
 that Captain had reported the canonical charge to be 
 
 only five shillings. " True," replied Vulcan; "but Captain 
 
 is an Irishman, and I have married him five times, — so 
 
 I consider him as a good customer ; but perhaps I may never 
 see your face again." 
 
 STRANGE PRAYER. 
 
 A Presbyterian minister, in the reign of King William 
 III., performing public worship in the Tron Church at Edin- 
 burgh, used this remarkable expression in his prayer: " Lord, 
 have mercy upon all fools and idiots, and particularly upon 
 the Town Council of Edinburgh." 
 
 ANOTHER. 
 
 Mr. John Dickson, a clergyman of the same age and 
 country, praying for grace, said, "Lord, dibble thou the 
 kale-seed of thy grace in our hearts ; and, if we grow not up 
 good kale, Lord, make us good sprouts, at least." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 205 
 
 A Cape-Cod man laid a wager that lie would lie down 
 naked on the salt meadows a quarter of an hour, and submit 
 to the utmost fury of the mosquitos for that term, without 
 once wincing. Accordingly the wager was staked ; he lay 
 down, in one of the calm hot evenings of last August, on the 
 side of a marsh where the mosquitos were flying about by 
 millions. Thirteen minutes and a half he lay in this situation 
 without shrinking, and put the whole host of the winged little 
 fiends at defiance. One of the company, fearing, at last, that 
 the fellow would win the wager, stepped aside, and put the 
 small end of a walking-stick into the fire, with which he 
 returned and slyly applied it to the man's naked back. He 
 could hold out no longer, but shrunk from the touch with 
 some violence, taking it for the bite of a large fly. "You 
 have lost the wager," said one of the company. " I have 
 lost it. sure enough,*' said he; "but, if it had not been for 
 that deuced ganninipper, I should have won it ! JJ [A ganni- 
 nipper is a large, green fly, abounding in pine woods, of a 
 very keen sting, peculiarly painful and venomous.] 
 
 LORD JUSTICE-CLERK. 
 
 The Lord Justice-Clerk is the chief judge of the Scottish 
 Criminal Court : in addition to which dignity, he sits at the 
 head of one division of the great Civil Court of the country. 
 It will thus be imagined by a southern reader that he is a 
 personage of no small local dignity. A bearer of this office 
 wagjmce shooting over the grounds of a friend in Ayrshire 
 by himself, when a gamekeeper, who was unacquainted with 
 his person, came up and demanded to see his license, or card 
 of permission. His lordship had, unfortunately, nothing of 
 the sort about his person ; but. secure in his high character 
 
206 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 and dignity, he made very light of the omission, and was pre- 
 paring to renew his sport. The man, however, was zealous in 
 his trust, and sternly forbade him to proceed any further over 
 the fields. "What, sirrah!" cried his lordship; "do you 
 know whom you are speaking to ? I am the Lord Justice- 
 Clerk ! " "I dinna care," replied the man, " whase clerk ye 
 are ; but ye maun shank aff thir grounds, or, by my saul, 
 I'll lay your feet fast ! " The reader is left to conceive the 
 astonishment of the unfortunate judge, at finding himself 
 treated in a style so different from his wont. 
 
 The honorable Judge Sewall went into a hatter's shop in 
 order to procure a pair of second-hand brushes for the pur- 
 pose of cleaning his shoes. The master of the shop presented 
 him with a couple which had become unfit for his own use. 
 "What is your price?" says the judge. " If they will an- 
 swer your purpose," says the other, "you may have them, 
 and welcome." The judge, hearing this, laid them down, 
 and, with a graceful bow, went directly out of the door. At 
 which the mechanic said to him, "Your honor has forgotten 
 the principal design of your visit." " By no means," replied 
 the judge ; "if you please to set your price, I stand ready to 
 purchase. But ever since it has fallen to my lot to occupy a 
 seat on the bench, I have studiously avoided receiving a single 
 copper by way of donation, lest in some future period it might 
 have a kind of influence in determining my judgment." 
 
 The Irish definition of an open countenance is not a bad 
 one, — a mouth from ear to ear. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 207 
 
 Ax American loyalist, being asked to purchase a ticket at 
 one of General Burgoyne's benefits in London at one of the 
 theatres, replied, i: I have paid enough for his sward in 
 
 America, and am determined to give nothing for his pen in 
 
 'England.'" 
 
 AT MY WIT'S END. 
 
 A gentleman in the west of Scotland, celebrated for his 
 wit, was conversing with a lady, who, at last, quite over- 
 powered by the brilliance and frequency of his bon inots, 
 exclaimed, " Stop, sir! there is really no end to your wit," 
 '•God forbid, madam," replied the humorist, "that I should 
 ever be at my wit's end.'' 
 
 SCOTCH BULL. 
 
 There is. at this present time (A. D. 1830), the following 
 inscription over the principal door of the Gaelic Chapel at 
 Edinburgh: "The Gaelic Chapel, removed from the Castle 
 Hill to this place, 1815. The Lord will provide." 
 
 GOOD FOR TRADE. 
 
 The late well-known Sandy Wood, surgeon in Edinburgh, 
 was walking through the streets of that city during the time 
 of an illumination, when he observed a young rascal breaking 
 every window he could reach, with as much industry as if he 
 had been doing the most commendable action in the world. 
 Enraged at this mischievous disposition, Sandy seized him by 
 the collar, and asked him what he meant by thus destroying 
 the honest people's windows. " Why, it ? s all for the good of 
 1 -\" replied the young urchin ; :: T am a glazier" "All 
 
208 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 for the good of trade, is it?" said Sandy, raising his cane and 
 breaking the boy's head; "there, then, that's for the good 
 of my trade, — I am a surgeon ! " 
 
 Mr. was not remarkable for his punctual attendance 
 
 on public worship. A friend once asked him why he was so 
 frequently culpable in that respect. He said that Neighbor 
 Such-a-one snored so intolerably that he could not sleep. 
 
 Mrs. W., walking on one of the wharves in New York, 
 
 jocosely asked a sailor why a ship was always called she. 
 
 " 0, faith," says the son of Neptune, "because the rigging 
 costs more than the hull." 
 
 An ignorant candidate for medical honors, having thrown 
 himself almost into a fever from his incapability of answering 
 the questions, was asked by one of the censors how he would 
 sweat a patient for the rheumatism. "I would send him 
 here to be examined ! " 
 
 A thief, having stolen a cup out of a tavern, was pursued, 
 and a great mob raised around him. A bystander was asked 
 what was the matter. "Nothing," answered he; "a poor 
 fellow has only taken a cup too much" 
 
 An Indian, who was appointed a justice of the peace, 
 issued the following energetic warrant : "Me High Howder, 
 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 209 
 
 yu constable, yu deputy, best way yu look um Jeremiah 
 Wicket, strong yu take um, fast yu hold um, quick yu bring 
 um before me, Captain Howdeb." 
 
 ANECDOTES OF MR. HOWARD. 
 
 BY DK. AIKEN. 
 
 The following characteristic anecdote was communicated to 
 me by a gentleman who travelled in a chaise with him from 
 Lancashire to London, in 1777: 
 
 Mr. Howard observed that he had found few things more 
 difficult to manage than post-chaise drivers, w T ho would seldom 
 comply with his wishes of going either slow or fast, till he 
 adopted the following method : At the end of a stage, when 
 the driver had been perverse, he desired the landlord to send 
 for some poor, industrious widow, or other proper object of 
 charity, and to introduce such person and the driver together. 
 He then paid the latter his fare, and told him, as he had not 
 thought proper to attend to his repeated requests as to the 
 manner of being driven, he should not make him any present ; 
 but, to show him that he did not withhold it through any 
 principle of parsimony, he would give the poor person present 
 double the sum usually given to a postilion. This he did, 
 and dismissed the parties. He had not long practised this 
 mode, he said, before he experienced the good effects of it on 
 all the roads where he was known. 
 
 A more extraordinary instance of Mr. Howard's determined 
 spirit has been related to me. Travelling, once, in the King 
 of Prussia's dominions, he came to a very narrow piece of 
 road, admitting only one carriage, where it was enjoined on 
 all postilions entering at each end to blow their horns by way 
 of notice. He did so ; but, after proceeding a good way, they 
 18* 
 
210 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 met a courier travelling on the king's business, who had 
 neglected this precaution. The courier ordered Mr. Howard's 
 postilion to turn back; but Mr. Howard remonstrated that 
 he had complied with the rule, while the other had violated 
 it, and therefore that he should Hksist on going forwards. 
 The courier, relying on an authority to which, in that coun- 
 try, everything must give way, made use of high words, — 
 but in vain. As neither was disposed to yield, they sat still 
 a long time in their respective carriages. At length the 
 courier gave up the point to the sturdy Englishman, who 
 would on no account renounce his 7 % ights. 
 
 HANDEL AND THE SERPENT. 
 
 The first time the musical instrument called the serpent 
 was used in a concert where Handel presided, he was so much 
 surprised with the coarseness of its tones that he called out 
 hastily, " Vat de devil is dat?" On being informed it was 
 the serpent, he replied, "It never can be de serpent vat 
 seduced Eve." 
 
 A traveller was lately boasting of the luxury of arriving 
 at night, after a hard day's journey, to partake of the enjoy- 
 ment of a well-cut ham, and the left leg of a goose. " Pray, 
 sir, what is the peculiar luxury of a left leg?" "Sir, to 
 conceive its luxury, you must find that it is the only leg left." 
 
 When landing some troops at Quiberon Bay, and manoeu- 
 vring in the best manner to effect the disembarkation with 
 the least possible loss, Mr. Colby was shot through the hat. 
 
OXE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 211 
 
 Upon jocosely observing to him that he perhaps bobbed his 
 head to avoid the danger, he facetiously remarked, '*It is no 
 reproach to a British officer to prevent the enemy from 
 seeing through him." 
 
 An Irishman being asked why he fled from his colors, said 
 his heart was as good as any man's in the regiment, but he 
 protested his cowardly legs would run away with him, what- 
 ever he could do. 
 
 A SICK LAWYER. 
 
 A lawyer, being sick, made his last will and testament, 
 and gave all his estate to fools and madmen ! Being asked 
 the reason for so doing, he said, " From such I got it, and to 
 
 such I return it again. ;J 
 
 GOOD MANNERS. 
 
 Dunning, the celebrated barrister, was addicted to the low 
 and unpardonable vice of turning witnesses into ridicule at 
 their examinations. One morning he was telling Mr. Solici- 
 tor-General Lee that he had just bought a few good manors 
 in Devonshire, near his native village of Ashburton. "I 
 wish,*' said Lee, "you would bring some of them into "West- 
 minster Hall ; for, upon my honor, you have most need of 
 them there." 
 
 CONCISE DISCOURSE — RAPIN. 
 
 This celebrated Jesuit, on the Festival of St. Stephen, was 
 to deliver a panegyric on that saint ; and, it being late before 
 
212 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 he began, his brethren, who feared that he might detain them 
 too long, begged him to abridge his discourse. Rapin mounted 
 the pulpit, and addressed his auditors, " Brothers, it is one 
 year to-day since I delivered before you a panegyric on the 
 saint whose festival we celebrate. As I have not heard that 
 he has performed anything new since, I have nothing to add 
 to the encomiums which I then passed upon him." There- 
 upon he gave his benediction, and departed. 
 
 EXPRESSION. 
 
 Le Seuer acquired, by his rare talents, the denomination 
 of the Raphael of France. Le Brun, a celebrated painter, 
 examining the cloisters of the Chartreuse, at Paris, painted by 
 Le Seuer, supposing himself alone, cried out, at each painting, 
 1 £ How fine that is ! what beautiful coloring ! how admirable is 
 the effect and expression of the figures ! JJ The same artist, 
 having visited Le Seuer in his last moments, said, in retiring, 
 that " Death was going to extract a large thorn from his foot." 
 
 ETYMOLOGY. 
 
 Dr. Dalgleish, minister of Peebles, in giving a statistical 
 account of that parish for Sir John Sinclair's immense com- 
 pilation, simply stated that the place must have derived its 
 name from the pebbles which are found there in great quan- 
 tity. The more elaborate antiquary, George Chalmers, by a 
 tolerable pun for a man of his stamp, remarks in his " Cale- 
 donia ' ; that the worthy clergyman of Peebles, in seeking for 
 the etymology of the word, is content to look no further than 
 to the stones beneath his feet ! 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 213 
 
 A LAD IN HIS DAY. 
 
 When Dr. Thomson (father of Dr. Andrew Thomson, of 
 Edinburgh) was minister of Markinch, he happened to preach 
 from the text, "Look not upon wine when it is red in the 
 cup; " from which he made a most eloquent and impressive 
 discourse against drunkenness, stating its fatal effects on the 
 head, heart and purse. Several of his observations were lev- 
 elled at two cronies with whom he was well acquainted, who 
 frequently poured out libations to the rosy god. At the dis- 
 missal of the congregation, the two friends met, the doctor 
 being close behind them. "Did you hear yon, Johnnie?" 
 quoth the one. "'Did I hear't! Wha didna hear't? I 
 ne'er winked an e'e the hale sermon." "Aweel, an' what 
 thought ye o't?" "Adeed, Davie, I think he's been a lad 
 in his day, or he coudna ken'd sae weel about it. Ah ! he 's 
 been a slee hand, the minister ! " 
 
 ONE GLASS AT A TIME. 
 
 Dr. Thomson took occasion to exhort the same Davie, who 
 was a namesake of his own, to abstain from excessive drinking, 
 otherwise he would bring his gray hairs prematurely to the 
 grave. " Take my advice, David," says the minister, " and 
 never take more than one glass at a time." " Neither I do, 
 sir," says David; "neither I do; but I care unco little how 
 short time be at ween the twa."' 
 
 PAST UNDERSTANDING. 
 
 The agreeable writer, Gombold, one day presented some of 
 his compositions to a nobleman of rather dull comprehension. 
 The nobleman, in reading them, said, " Here are things I do 
 not understand." The poet answered, " That 's not my fault." 
 
214 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A SHAVING PUN. 
 
 At one period, the corporation of skinners, in the burgh of 
 Lanark, before its total extinction, was threatened with self- 
 dissolution ; when, in order to keep up the show of a body 
 corporate, the fast-expiring remnant bethought themselves of 
 admitting into their numbers members who knew nothing of 
 the craft. The measure was strenuously opposed by the 
 magistrates, and the matter was carried to the Court of Ses- 
 sion. During one of the pleadings before the Lord Ordinary, 
 the counsel for the magistrates observed that a barber had 
 been admitted, at the same time adding, with dignified 
 emphasis, " And sure, my Lord, he is no skinner. ?? His 
 Lordship, with an arch smile, briefly interrupted him with. 
 " I am not sure of that ; perhaps he is skinner enough." 
 
 The wife of an Irish gentleman being suddenly taken ill, 
 the husband ordered a servant to get a horse ready to go for 
 the doctor. By the time, however, that the horse was ready, 
 and the note to the doctor written, the lady had recovered ; 
 on which, he added the following postscript, and sent the 
 servant off: " My wife having recovered, you need not 
 
 Dr. Shard, of Hart Hall, Oxford, had a ridiculous, though 
 very common habit, of prefacing all his sentences with the 
 words " I say." An under-graduate having mimicked this 
 peculiarity, the doctor sent for him to give him a jobation, 
 which he began thus : " I say, they say, you say, I say I 
 say; " when, finding the ridiculous combination, he concluded 
 by bidding him quit the room. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 215 
 
 EXPORTED AND TRANSPORTED DEFINED. 
 
 A gentleman recently married was enjoying, with his 
 fair one, an evening walk along the beach at Musselburgh. 
 " Pray, my dear," said the lady, "what is the difference 
 between exported and transported!" At that moment a 
 vessel left the harbor, bound for a foreign port. " Were you, 
 my love," returned the gentleman, " aboard that vessel, you 
 would be exported^ and I would be transported^ 
 
 Two gentlemen discoursing in a t public company, one of 
 them observed that the disorder of the king's evil was very 
 uncommon in this country. " True," replied the other, 
 "the king's' evil seldom rages in a republican govern- 
 ment" 
 
 A COUNSEL'S OPINION OF THE FOLLY OF GOING TO LAW. 
 
 Counsellor M T being in company, one day, after he 
 
 had retired from practice, the glorious uncertainty of the law 
 became the subject of conversation. He was appealed to for 
 his opinion, when he laconically observed, " If any man was 
 to claim the coat upon my back, and threaten me with a law- 
 suit in case of a refusal to give it him, he certainly should 
 have it, lest, in defending my coat, I should find out, too 
 late, that I was deprived of my waistcoat also ! " 
 
 HARANGUE. 
 
 The President Mole, finding it his duty to make one of 
 those orations prescribed by custom to the Duke of Bour- 
 goigne, who was then an infant in his cradle, contented 
 
216 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 himself with addressing these honest sentiments to him: 
 "My Lord, we come to offer our respects to you; our 
 children will offer you their services" 
 
 TRANSMIGRATION OF SOULS. 
 
 The transmigration of souls was the subject in a large 
 company. A young gentleman attempted to turn the subject 
 into ridicule, and said, " In fact, I can remember having been 
 the golden calf myself." "That we can readily believe," 
 replied George Selwyn, " for you have only lost the gilding." 
 
 At the conclusion of a meeting for the choice of town 
 officers, a Mr. Shote was chosen hog-constable ; which pro- 
 duced the subsequent impromptu : 
 
 " The •wisdom of this town now stands confessed, 
 They chose one Shote to govern all the rest." 
 
 A country schoolmaster asked a sailor what was the 
 third and half the third of two pence. The fellow was illit- 
 erate and unacquainted with arithmetic, and very ingeniously 
 evaded an answer, intimating that, as his messmates were by, 
 he did not care to give that for nothing for which he had paid 
 at so dear a rate by application and expense, adding that he 
 could set the schoolmaster a much harder question. This 
 not a little piqued the other, who felt his learned consequence 
 hurt by being told so by an unlettered tar. " What is it ? " 
 cried the former. " Why," replied the sailor, " if a pound 
 of cheese cost four pence, what will a cart-load of turnips 
 amount to?" 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 217 
 
 CHARLES II. AND ROCHESTER. 
 
 King Charles II. being at bowls, and having laid a bowl 
 very near the jack, cried out, "My soul to a horse-hair, no- 
 body beats that." ' ; Lay odds," says Rochester, u and I'll 
 take you." 
 
 DUNNING EXTRAORDINARY. 
 
 A tradesman pressing a gentleman very much for pay- 
 ment of his bill, the latter said, 1 1 You need not be in so great 
 a hurry; I am not going to run away." " I do not imagine 
 you are, sir," returned the tradesman; " but I am." 
 
 JAMES II. AND WALLER. 
 
 King James II. having a wish to converse with Waller, 
 the poet, sent for him one afternoon, and took him into his 
 closet, where was a very fine picture of the Princess of Or- 
 ange. The king asked him his opinion of the picture, on 
 which Waller said he thought it extremely like the greatest 
 woman that ever lived in the world. " Whom do you call 
 so ? " said the king. " Queen Elizabeth," replied the other. 
 "I wonder, Mr. Waller," said the king, "that you should 
 think so ; for she owed all her greatness to her council, and 
 that, indeed, it must be admitted, was a wise one." "And 
 pray, sir," said Waller, " did your majesty ever know a fool 
 choose a wise council 7 " 
 
 DR. JOHNSON. 
 
 When Dr. Johnson visited the University of St. Andrew's, 
 he took occasion to inquire of one of the professors into the 
 state of their funds ; and, being told that they were not so 
 19 
 
218 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 affluent as many of their neighbors, " No matter," said the 
 doctor, dryly, " persevere in the plan you have formed, and 
 you will get rich by degrees" 
 
 MARCH OF POLITENESS. 
 
 Complaisance is no longer confined to the polite circles. 
 A captain of a vessel was lately called out of a coffee-house, 
 at Wapping, by a waterman, with the following address: 
 " An 't please your honor, the tide is waiting for you." 
 
 DELICACY. 
 
 In a company where Fontenelle was present, a piece of 
 mechanism, composed of ivory and most curiously constructed, 
 was produced for the inspection of the company. It was of 
 such delicate workmanship that they were afraid of breaking 
 it, if they touched it. It was generally admired. " For my 
 part," said Fontenelle, "I don't like anything of such very 
 delicate structure." Just at this moment the Marchioness of 
 Flamaren entered the room. She had heard Fontenelle' s 
 observation, which he perceiving, added, " I don't say so, 
 however, of your ladyship." 
 
 A GREAT NAME. 
 
 The Count d'Evreux came sometimes to see Fontenelle. 
 One day that this prince, after a long visit, was preparing to 
 go out, Fontenelle said to his servants, " Open the folding- 
 doors." "0, no," said the count, "I can pass very well 
 with one open." "You will pass through," said Fontenelle, 
 " but your name will not." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 219 
 
 NEGRO RAFFLE. 
 
 In my tour through the Southern States I have met with 
 many amusing incidents, but do not remember anything that 
 created so great an excitement, for the time being, as a " ne- 
 gro raffle 7 ' in the town of , in the State of Mississippi. 
 
 Mr. , the owner of the boy, having a note to pay that 
 
 day, and not having the wherewith to do it, was compelled to 
 do what he gladly would not have done. The boy to be 
 raffled for was a smart, intelligent lad, of about eighteen years 
 of age. He went by the name of Bill. There were eighty 
 chances, with ••'three dice,'' at ten dollars per chance. I 
 was present when the affair came off. There remained one 
 chance, which I took and gave to Bill, upon the condition 
 that he would throw the dice himself, and " shake like oxen.'' 
 Bili rolled his eyes in an astonished and astonishing manner, 
 and after a hearty AYha, wha. wha ! in which he displayed 
 two frightful rows of ivory, opening a mouth " like the break 
 of dav. from east to west."' with a low bow. said. " I "11 try, 
 Massa." As may be supposed, the scene became highly 
 
 exciting. 
 
 The raffling commenced. Bill looked on unconcerned at 
 anything but the idea of leaving his old master. When the 
 chances were all raffled off but the last, Bill took the box. 
 Previously to his throwing, however, he was offered one hun- 
 dred dollars for his chance, — the highest throw yet made 
 being forty-six, which stood "ja tie" between two individu- 
 als. But Bill was no " compromise man ; '' he refused the 
 offer, saying, ' ; De whole hog, or noffin," and made his first 
 throw, which was thirteen. His second throw was sixteen. 
 Bill stopped, scratched his head, threw again, and up came 
 eighteen. It was declared off that " Bill was high and free ; " 
 and such a shout I never heard in my life. Bill hardly knew 
 
220 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 what to do with himself. In a moment, however, he asked 
 
 the whole party to drink ; and no man in , it is said, 
 
 ever refused an invitation of the kind, except one, and he 
 soon after died. So says tradition. 
 
 Bill's success induced him to try another speculation of the 
 "same sort," believing that he could do, as a free man, as 
 much as he had before done. He proposed to set himself 
 up again in a "raffle;" and, as he had won before, he 
 thought it would be no more than fair that he should put the 
 price at six hundred dollars this time. The chances were 
 soon taken, Bill reserving but one chance to himself. He 
 pocketed five hundred dollars, and the sport again com- 
 menced. Bill's original owner and himself were the two 
 highest again ; and, in throwing off, Bill lost. It proved a 
 very fortunate speculation for Bill and his master both. The 
 master had made eight hundred dollars clear, and Bill had 
 cleared five hundred dollars, and remained with his kind mas- 
 ter. They started for home together, the master declaring 
 no money could induce him to part with Bill again, unless 
 he was willing to leave; but promised him, if he would 
 be as faithful to him as he had always been, until he was 
 twenty-one, he should have his freedom. They were both 
 well contented, and every one present was satisfied that he 
 had got his money's worth. 
 
 The New York papers tell some large pigeon stories of 
 late; but the Livingston (N. Y.) Union, we think, rather 
 beats them all. It says that "a man in Genesee killed 
 seventy-one pigeons at one shot, with a common fowling- 
 piece. The same sportsman once gathered eleven bushels 
 and three pecks of pigeons' legs, the product of one shot 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 221 
 
 with the ■ common fowling-piece.' He aimed too low, and 
 the legs took a benefit."' 
 
 WRITTEN AFTER GOING TO LAW. 
 
 The law they say great nature's chain connects, 
 That causes ever must produce effects ; 
 In me behold reversed great nature's laws, — 
 All my effects lost by a single cause. 
 
 It is stated in the last foreign papers that a young lady at 
 Liscard purchased some eggs, and put two of them on the fire 
 to boil. When the water began to warm, one of the eggs 
 burst, and out sprang a chicken, which hopped into the fire, 
 and was burnt to death before it could be secured. 
 
 The words of a German author to his daughter are so full 
 of wisdom that the young lady who should make them het 
 rule would avoid half the scrapes of her companions : " Con- 
 verse always with your female friends as if a gentleman were 
 of the party, and with young men as if your female com- 
 panions were present." 
 
 Relationships are rather far-fetched sometimes, both in 
 Ireland and Scotland. " Do you know Tom Duffy, Pat? " 
 11 Know him, is it? " says Pat ; " sure, he 's a near relaiion 
 of mine; he once wanted to marry my sister Kate." 
 
 An advertisement in a Connecticut paper began thus : 
 " To let, a large farm, on any terms, good, bad, or indiffer- 
 ent." 
 
 19* 
 
222 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 The most interesting sight is that of a young lady, with 
 eyes like a u gazelle," a voice like a " silver trumpet," and 
 ■with "lips like rubies," and with " cheeks that have stolen 
 the carnation of the deathless rose," with her mouth full of 
 — gingerbread. 
 
 A Yankee, according to the poet Saxe, is a driving young 
 man: 
 
 "He sees aqueducts in bubbling springs ; 
 Buildings in stone, and cash in everything." 
 
 A lady, who not long since visited Harrowgate Spring, 
 expatiating on the superior efficacy of the Ballston Spa, in 
 order to substantiate her position, added, " The dollars are 
 left at Ballston." " Yes, madam," very gravely replied Mr. 
 Cowley, the keeper of Harrow T gate, " the healthy leave their 
 dollars nt Ballston, and the lame leave their crutches at 
 Harrowgate." 
 
 When Dryden had finished his translation of Virgil, after 
 some deliberation with himself, he sent the MS. to Jacob 
 Tonson, requiring for it a certain sum, which he mentioned in 
 a note. Tonson was desirous of possessing the work, but 
 meanly wished to avail himself of Dryden's necessities, which 
 at that time were particularly urgent. He therefore informed 
 Dryden that he could not afford to give so much for it as he 
 demanded. In answer to this, Dryden sent the following 
 lines to Tonson, whom they w T ere meant to describe : 
 
 " With leering look, bull-faced, and freckled fair, 
 With two left legs, with Judas-colored hair, 
 And frowzy pores that taint the ambient air." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 223 
 
 When they were delivered to Tonson, he asked if Mr. Dry- 
 den had said anything more. "Yes, sir/' answered the 
 bearer ; "he said, ' Tell the dog that he who wrote these lines 
 will write more like them.' " Tonson immediately paid the 
 money which Dryden had at first demanded for his Virgil. 
 
 EPITAPH IN A COUNTRY CHURCH- YARD. 
 
 Here lies the remains of Thomas Nichols, who died in 
 Philadelphia, March, 1793. Had he lived, he would have 
 been buried here. 
 
 ANECDOTE. 
 
 Swift, Arbuthnot and Parnel, who were all contempora- 
 ries and intimates of Lord Bathurst, took the advantage of 
 a fine frosty morning to walk down to a little place his lord- 
 ship had about eleven miles from town. When they were 
 about half-way, Swift, who was remarkable for being an old 
 traveller, and getting the best room and warmest bed, pre- 
 tended he did not like their pace, and said he would walk on 
 before, and inform his lordship of the journey. This they 
 agreed to ; but he was no sooner out of sight than they, judg- 
 ing his errand, sent off a horseman by a by-way, to inform 
 his lordship of the particulars. The man got there time 
 enough to deliver his message, when his lordship, recollecting 
 that Swift never had the small-pox, thought of the following 
 device. When he saw him coming up the avenue, he ran out 
 to meet him, expressing his happiness at seeing him, but said 
 he was mortified at one circumstance, as it must deprive him 
 of the pleasure of his company, and that was that a raging 
 small-pox was in the house ; but begged he would accept such 
 accommodations as a little house at the bottom of the avenue 
 
224 015TE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 would afford. Swift was necessitated to comply ; and in this 
 lonesome situation, afraid to speak to any one around him, 
 he was served with dinner. In the evening, however, the 
 wits thought proper to release him, by going down in a body 
 to inform him of the deception, and that the fifth best room 
 and bed in the house were at his service. Swift, however he 
 might be inwardly mortified, thought it his interest to join in 
 the laugh ; when they all adjourned to the mansion-house, 
 and spent the evening in that manner that can be very well 
 conceived by those who were in the least acquainted with 
 the brilliancy of their characters. 
 
 A writer in the Boston Monthly Anthology, speaking of' 
 the style and character of Dr. Aikin as an author, observed 
 that his letters to a young lady upon a course of English po- 
 etry were worth at least as much as any Lonnet in Cornhill. 
 
 A lady was induced to attend a sermon preached by a 
 Scotch clergyman ; and, being asked her opinion of it as she 
 came out of church, declared that it was as broad as it was 
 long. 
 
 A Mr. Vaux, an innkeeper in the vicinity of Philadelphia, 
 as a party were making merry at his house, abruptly entered 
 the room in a boisterous manner, but was soon gagged by a 
 wag present, who observed that he was vox et preterea nihil. 
 
 One day Swift observed a great rabble of people assem- 
 bled in a large open space before his door in Kevin-street ; 
 and, upon inquiring the cause of this, was told it was to see 
 
OKI THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 225 
 
 the eclipse. He immediately sent for the beadle, or crier, 
 and gave him all his lesson of what he should do. Away 
 ran Davy for his bell ; and, after ringing it some time among 
 the crowd, bawled out, "0. yes! 0, yes! all manner of 
 persons concerned are desired to take notice that it is the 
 Dean of St, Patrick's will and pleasure that the eclipse be 
 put off till this hour to-morrow. So God save the king, and 
 his reverence the dean"! " The mob, upon this notice, im- 
 mediately dispersed : only some, more cunning than the rest, 
 swore they would not lose another afternoon ; for that the 
 dean, who was a comical man, might take it into his head to 
 put off the eclipse again, and so make fools of them a second 
 time. 
 
 " "What complaints can my husband make of me ? " said a 
 techy wife. "I have a mind to all that he has a mind to; 
 he has a mind to be master, and so have I." 
 
 Lord Kellie was once amusing his company with an ac- 
 count of a sermon he had heard in a church in Italy, in which 
 the priest related the miracle of St. Anthony, when preaching 
 on ship-board, attracting the fishes, which, in order to listen 
 to his pious discourse, held their heads out of the water. " I 
 can perfectly well believe the miracle," said Mr. Henry 
 Erskine. " How so?" i: When your lordship was at 
 church, there was at least one fish oat of the water. 91 
 
 A man in Michigan, not long since, committed suicide by 
 drowning. As the body could not be found, the coroner held 
 an inquest on his hat and jacket, found on the bank of the 
 lake. Verdict, ci Found empty." 
 
226 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 BON MOT FOR THE BAR. 
 Mr. Erskine, being indisposed in the Court of King's 
 Bench, told Mr. Jekyl that he had a pain in his bowels, for 
 which he could get no relief. " I will give you an infallible 
 specific," replied the humorous Banister ; " get made Attorney- 
 general, my friend, and then you will have no bowels at all.' 7 
 
 CURIOUS ACCOUNT OF A BLIND MAN. 
 
 John Metcalf, born at Knaresborough in the year 1717, 
 lost his sight when only four years old, soon after which he 
 became unconscious of light and its various effects. Being 
 instructed to play on the violin, he attended as a musician at 
 the Queen's Head, High Harrowgate, for many years, and 
 was the first person who set up a wheel-carriage for the con- 
 veyance of company to and from the places of public resort 
 in that neighborhood. In the year 1745 he engaged to serve 
 as musician in Colonel Thornton's volunteers, and was taken 
 prisoner at the battle of Falkirk. Being soon released, he 
 returned to Knaresborough, and commenced common carrier 
 betwixt that town and York, and often served as a guide in 
 intricate roads during the night, or when the tracks were 
 covered with snow ; nor was any person more eager of the 
 chase, which he would follow, either on foot or on horseback, 
 with the greatest avidity. Strange as this may appear to 
 those who can see, the employment he followed for many 
 years afterward is still more extraordinary, and one of the 
 last to which we could suppose a blind man would ever 
 turn his attention, — that of projecting and contracting for the 
 making of high roads, building bridges, houses, &c. With 
 no other assistance than a long staff in his hand, he would 
 ascend the precipice, and explore the valley, and investigate 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 227 
 
 llie extent of each, its form and situation. The plans which he 
 designed, and the estimates he made, were done in a method 
 peculiar to himself, and which he could not well convey the 
 meaning of to others. This extraordinary man was at 
 Knaresborough, his native place, in June, 1788, being just 
 returned from finishing a piece of road, and constructing a 
 bridge over a rivulet at Marsden, near Huddersfield, in York- 
 shire, being then, in the seventy-first year of his age, healthy 
 and strong. 
 
 UNION OF LITERARY COMPOSITIONS. 
 
 At a large literary party in Edinburgh, some years ago, it 
 was mentioned that a certain well-known literary character 
 had written two poems, one called "The Bible," the other 
 " The Ocean; " that he was offering them to the booksellers, 
 who, however, would not accede to his terms of publication ; 
 and that the worthy author was, therefore, puzzled not a little 
 as to what he should do with his productions. " Why," 
 remarked a sarcastic gentleman, who was present, "I think 
 the doctor could not do better than throw the one into the 
 other." 
 
 FEAR, 
 
 Lord Peterborough being congratulated on never evinc- 
 ing any fear, " Sir," answered Lord Peterborough, " show me 
 a danger which I am convinced is near and unavoidable, and 
 I promise you I shall have as much fear as any of you." 
 
 A gentleman seeing a lady holding an act of parliament 
 before her face to keep the fire off, said she was like an 
 insolvent debtor, — " she was taking the benefit of the act," 
 
228 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 THE CONCLUSION. 
 
 President Mole was occasionally very imperious in such 
 cases as the subject-matter of the pleading, or the advocate, 
 happened to be the objects of his dislike. On one occasion, 
 however, he was answered in his own way. An advocate hav- 
 ing risen to plead in an obnoxious cause, the president repeat- 
 edly desired him to abridge his cause. The advocate contended 
 for it with increased effect, and insisted that he had said noth- 
 ing but what was essential ; the president, at length, piqued 
 at something he had advanced, told him "the court ordered 
 him to conclude." "Well," answered the advocate, "I con- 
 clude that the court understands me." 
 
 The following ingenious and scholastic toasts were given at 
 a party of Virginian graduates : 
 
 1. The Four Cardinal Points : May every quarter open to 
 our scattered steps the paths of wisdom, wealth, and glory. 
 
 2. The Seven Sciences : May they never cease to illumin- 
 ate our land, while the seven stars continue to rise and set. 
 
 3. I. Grammar : Success to concord and good govern- 
 ment. An active man always in the imperative. 
 
 4. II. Logic : Wealthy premises to the industrious. 
 
 5. III. Rhetoric : In these times it were well to try the 
 sublime of canon. Above all, the iron-ical matter should 
 not be omitted, for that never fails touching the feelings of 
 the insolent. 
 
 6. IV. Arithmetic : Avoid internal divisions ; they are 
 the root of evils without number ', and eventually reduce a 
 nation to the most vidgar fractions. On the contrary line, 
 in the allegations of fellowship and amity, every day will 
 &dd 5^m-proof of your having calculated wisely. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 229 
 
 7. V. Geometry : May our rulers always survey well the 
 ground on which they stand. May the people never be 
 encompassed with the plats of chain-carriers, and may a 
 chord of sixty be the protractor of the traitor's neck. 
 
 8. VI. Astronomy : May no revolution eclipse the sun of 
 liberty ; but may its disk be without spot, and its beams 
 encircle both hemispheres at once. 
 
 9. VII. Music : May the whole tenor of our lives move 
 counter to what is base. 
 
 10. Geography : Let our laws be bounded by the equator 
 of justice, and let no latitude be given to him who crosses 
 the line. 
 
 11. Chemistry : The refinement of Athens, the metal of 
 Sparta, and the regidus of Rome. 
 
 12. Mechanics : Perpetual motion to the wheels of the 
 federal constitution. May execration never leave the poli- 
 tician who is a leaver of its principles. 
 
 13. The Languages : May the living be not too- much 
 given to the grave, and may the dead never be forgotten. 
 
 A physician who carries a merry physiognomy into the 
 sick room, and among chronic, nervous and hypochondriac 
 people, does a thousand times more to effect cures w 7 ith his 
 warm, hearty laugh, and joyous face, than he does by his 
 medicines. 
 
 "When the Hindoo priest is about to baptize an infant, he 
 utters the following beautiful sentiment: " Little babe, thou 
 enterest the world weeping, while all around thee smile ; con- 
 trive so to live that you may depart in smiles, while all 
 around you weep." 
 20 
 
230 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A PUNSTER BOGGED. 
 
 Two Scotch country clergymen, one of whom was an inces- 
 sant punster, were going home one night from a presbytery 
 dinner ; and it so happened that the place where they had to 
 take leave of each other, for the purpose of going to their 
 several manses, was a spot of ground little better in character 
 than a peat-moss. " Well," said one to the other, " after you 
 have made* so many puns to-night, I have only to beg that 
 you will make one more, and let it be on our parting at this 
 moment." "Nay," said the other, and, as he spoke, he 
 affected to sink a little into the soft soil beneath his feet, 
 :i you have fairly bogged me now." 
 
 Two servants discoursing over a pot of ale, of their master's 
 hospitality, one said his master kept a very noble Christmas 
 this year, for he killed an ox every day. " Tush ! " said the 
 other, " my master killed an ox and a half" 
 
 A Walpole wit observed that the late-invented method of 
 making iron-bound boots and shoes was actually putting 
 mankind upon a footing with horses. 
 
 An Irish officer of six feet high made his appearance at the 
 rooms of Bath, when the late haughty Princess Amelia was 
 present. She was led, from his extraordinary appearance, to 
 inquire his name, family, and pursuits. She received for 
 information, among other answers to her inquiries, that he had 
 been originally intended for the church. " Rather for the 
 steeple" she tauntingly replied. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 231 
 
 LONG PAUSE. 
 
 A great teller of stories was in the midst of one of them, 
 at his evening club, when notice was brought him that a ship. 
 in which he was going to the West Indies, was on the point 
 of sailing ; he was, therefore, obliged to break off abruptly. 
 But, on fys return from Jamaica, some years afterwards, he 
 repaired to the club, and, taking possession of his old seat by 
 the fireside, he resumed his tale : " Gentlemen, as I was say- 
 ing»- __^___ 
 
 An East India governor having died abroad, his body was 
 put in arrack, to preserve it for interment in England. A 
 sailor on board the ship being frequently drunk, the captain 
 assured him the next time he was guilty of that offence he 
 should be severely whipped ; and, at the same time, forbade 
 the purser, and, indeed, all the ship, to let him have any 
 liquor. Shortly after, the fellow appeared very drunk. How 
 he got the liquor no one could guess. The captain, resolved 
 to find out and punish the person who had thus disobeyed his 
 orders, promised to forgive him, if he would tell whence he 
 got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccuped out, 
 " Why, please your honor, I tapped the governor/*' 
 
 Rashness borrows the name of courage, but it is of another 
 race, and nothing allied to that virtue ; the one descends in a 
 direct line from prudence, the other from folly and presump- 
 tion 
 
 Dorian, a celebrated wit, having lost a gouty shoe, being 
 much afflicted with that disorder, said, "The only harm I wish 
 the thief is that the shoe may fit him." 
 
232 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 GOOD BOOK-KEEPERS. 
 
 Sir Walter Scott, in lending a book one day to a friend, 
 cautioned him to be punctual in returning it. " This is 
 really necessary/' said the poet, in apology; "for, though 
 many of my friends are bad arithmeticians , I observe almost 
 all of them to be good book-keepers" 
 
 A very little gentleman was one day a hunting, and his 
 servant asked a clown whether he saw any gentleman ride 
 that way. u Truly," said he, "I saw a hat upon a saddle 
 galloping that way a while since." 
 
 When George Whitefield first came to Charleston, in 
 South Carolina, the Reverend Alexander Garden was Epis- 
 copal minister in that place. Not liking Whitefield' s princi- 
 ples, he took occasion to preach against him, from the 
 following text: "Behold, they that have turned the world 
 upside down have come hither also." In the afternoon, Mr. 
 Whitefield retorted upon his antagonist, before a crowded 
 audience, in these words : "Alexander, the coppersmith, hath 
 done me much evil : the Lord reward him according to his 
 works." 
 
 NEW METAMORPHOSIS. 
 
 Mr. S de, of S de, in Berwickshire, some years 
 
 ago resolved to improve a quantity of hie waste land, which 
 was looked upon by his neighbors as a mad sort of project, 
 the prospect of profit being somewhat disproportioned to the 
 present outlay. He was, however, determined to carry his 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTE-. 233 
 
 favorite scheme into effect, malgre the sneers of his friends. 
 One day, as he was standing with bent brows, surveying the 
 operations, very much like a man who knows he is wrong, 
 but has, nevertheless, determined to go through with what 
 he has taken in hand, an old, stupid woman came up, and, 
 leaning over an enclosure, said to him, " But, dear me, Mr. 
 
 S de, an ye tak in a' the land this gate, what ? s to become 
 
 o' the pair muir-fowl? - J The sensitive proprietor answered, 
 in a voice which admitted of no reply, " Let them turn 
 paitricks, and be blowed to them ! " 
 
 ANTIQUITY OF THE CAMPBELLS. 
 
 An old woman of the name of Gordon, in the north of 
 Scotland, was listening to the account given in Scripture of 
 Solomon's glory, which was read to her by a little female 
 grandchild. When the girl came to tell of the thousand 
 camels, which formed part of the Jewish sovereign's live 
 stock, " Eh, lassie,'' cried the old woman, "a thousand 
 Campbells, say ye ) The Campbells (pronounced Cammils) 
 are an auld clan, sure eneuch ; but look an ye dinna see the 
 Gordons, too." 
 
 SCHOOLBOY'S QUESTIONS. 
 
 Three boys at school learning their catechism, the one 
 askqd the other how far he had got ; to which he answered, 
 i: I 'm at a state o : sin and misery.' 7 He then asked another 
 what length he was; to which he replied, "I'm just at 
 effectual calling." They were both anxious, of course, to 
 learn how far he was himself; and, having asked him, he 
 answered, " Past redemption." 
 20* 
 
234 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 TIMBER TO TIMBER. 
 
 At the placing of Mr. F-rl-ng, minister of the Chapel of 
 Ease, Glasgow, of whose abilities Mr. Thorn entertained no 
 great opinion, when they came to that part of the ceremony 
 where the hands are imposed, the other members of the pres- 
 bytery were making room for Mr. Thorn, that he might get 
 forward his hand on the head of Mr. F-rl-ng likewise ; but 
 Mr. Thorn, keeping at a^ distance, said, "Na, na, timmer to 
 timmer will do weel enough/' 7 laying his staff on the head of 
 the new divine. 
 
 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INTELLIGENCE AND IGNORANCE. 
 
 Aristippus, the Athenian, being asked, what difference 
 there was between a wise and an ignorant man, " Let them 
 be sent," said he, " out of their own country, and you will 
 
 EXCLUSION. 
 
 An Athenian (as was customary with that people) had 
 caused an inscription to be placed over the door of his house, 
 " Let nothing enter here but what is good." Diogenes 
 asked, " Then where will the master go in ? ''* 
 
 SPIRITED ANSWER. 
 
 The Emperor Charles V. asked Michael Angelo his opin- 
 ion of Albert Dure, a celebrated painter. Angelo was bold 
 enough to make him this answer : "I esteem him so much, 
 that if I was not Michael Angelo, I had rather be Albert 
 Dure than the Emperor Charles V." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 235 
 
 PATENT MEDICINES. 
 
 ramrod's tincture of gridiron, otherwise called nature's grand 
 restorative. 
 
 Doctor Simeon Ramrod, by a scrutinous and chemical 
 analyzation of vegetable substances, has recently discovered 
 that gridirons contain a subtle invigorating fluid, sympathet- 
 ically allied to the nervous or magnetic fluid of the human 
 body, which, being skilfully extracted and properly prepared, 
 becomes a specific and infallible remedy for almost every com- 
 plaint of mind and body to which human nature has been 
 subject since the flood. It is found, also, to have a powerful 
 effect upon the brute creation, and on various inanimate sub- 
 stances ; to give relief against accidents, to be a wonderful 
 quickener of the circulations, and to give renovated strength to 
 all muscular exertions, from which it is found useful to per- 
 sons travelling by sea or by land, and to those exposed to 
 extraordinary dangers. To announce the instances in w^hich 
 Ramrod's Tincture of Gridiron has proved beneficial, would 
 be but to give a detail of all the diseases to which men, w r omen 
 and children, are subject. The following are but a few, out 
 of a thousand and upwards, of certificates which have been 
 or may be procured, as a testimony of its efficacy, namely : 
 
 "The subscriber had long been afflicted with the tooth- 
 ache, to such a degree that nearly all his teeth had been 
 drawn out, and by an unjust sentence he also unfortunately 
 had both his ears cut off. On applying a little of the Tinc- 
 ture of Gridiron to his head, his teeth were restored, and his 
 head was instantly supplied w T ith as fine a pair of ears as he 
 could boast of the day he was born. John Earwig." 
 
 "Not long since, riding on the highway, my horse stum- 
 bled and fell, and so lamed himself as to be unable to proceed. 
 
236 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 I heard of a phial of the Tincture of Gridiron in the neigh- 
 borhood, and suddenly found myself at the end of my journey, 
 without further trouble. Jona. Speedwell." 
 
 " Having from my infancy had an uncommon relish for 
 barbecues, I not long since attended one ; and, notwithstand- 
 ing the splendid variety which a sumptuous table afforded, I 
 was unable to eat a mouthful. I took a spoonful of the Tinc- 
 ture of Gridiron, and felt as perfectly satisfied as if I had 
 eaten all on the table. S. Gormandizer." 
 
 " Some time ago my house was very much infested with 
 rats ; and one day, as I sat brooding over my misfortunes, a 
 large number of them suddenly came upon me and ate me up. 
 I instantly took some of the Tincture of Gridiron, and found 
 myself at ease, and have never been eaten since. 
 
 Jack Recover." 
 
 "I was, not long since, subject to extreme fatigue from 
 dancing and other exercise. I took a small quantity of the 
 Tincture of Gridiron, and have been dancing ever since, with- 
 out the least inconvenience. Sam Rigadoon." 
 
 " Riding out the other day, I accidentally fell into a ditch, 
 and broke my legs, my arms and neck. On taking a little 
 of the Tincture of Gridiron, I instantly recovered, and have 
 never been near a ditch since, nor felt a desire to approach 
 one. Tom Tumble." 
 
 " Walking, not long since, near the machinery of a mill, I 
 was caught and carried between two cog-wheels, and every 
 bone in my body broken to pieces. A phial of Ramrod's 
 Tincture of Gridiron being thrown into the mill-pond, I found 
 myself restored, and as whole and sound as a roach. 
 
 Dick Whirligig. " 
 
 Note. — Gridirons taken in their natural state, and par- 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 237 
 
 ticularly taken whole, are, by skilful chemists, deemed ex- 
 tremely dangerous ; but the recent discovery of a mode of 
 preparing the tincture from them, places them in the first 
 rank of valuable plants. 
 
 33= Beware of Counterfeits ! Each bottle is stopped 
 with a gimlet, and sealed with juniper-berries, and labelled 
 " Ramrod's Tincture of Gridiron." To be sold {only) by 
 the subscriber, in Frying-pan Alley, at the sign of the Tea- 
 kettle, who always subscribes his own name. 
 
 S. RAMROD. 
 
 PAINTING. 
 
 Timanthes, an Athenian painter, made use of a very inge- 
 nious device for representing the prodigious size of a sleeping 
 giant. He represented a satyr measuring the thumb of the 
 giant with a thyrse. 
 
 BON MOT OF JAMES I. OE SCOTLAND. 
 
 When this prince was at Dunfermline, the monks of the 
 abbey showed him the tomb of his ancestor, David I., who is 
 noted in Scottish history for his benefactions to the church. 
 On its being remarked to the living king that the dead one 
 had been a perfect saint, "Ay," said he, "he was ane sair 
 sanct for the crown." 
 
 apelles. 
 
 A painter boasted to Apelles of his being able to paint 
 very fast. This great artist merely answered, "It is visible 
 in your works." 
 
238 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 VIGEE. 
 
 Vigee, taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when 
 he was working at the mouth she was twisting her features, 
 in order to render it smaller, and put her lips into the most 
 violent contraction. Impatient at such designing artifice, he 
 at length said to her, " Don't hurt yourself, madam, in try- 
 ing to make your mouth smaller, because, if you choose, I 
 will make none at all." 
 
 ABSENCE OF MIND. 
 
 Mr. Imlach, late minister of the Muirhouse, near Dundee, 
 was remarkable for his absence of mind. In his prayer one 
 day he said, " Lord, bless all ranks and degrees of persons, 
 from the king on the dunghill to the beggar on the throne." 
 Then, recollecting himself, he added, "I mean from the beg- 
 gar on the throne to the king on the dunghill ! " 
 
 EXPLOITS OF AN ARMY OF FIDDLERS. 
 
 Ranulph sought a retreat from the attacks of the Welsh 
 in the Castle of Rheddlan, which underwent a violent siege for 
 some time ; till Roger Lacy, Constable of Chester, collected a 
 formidable band of fiddlers and other motley minstrels, who 
 had assembled together at a fair at Chester, founded by Hugh 
 Lupus, one leading privilege of which was the protection of 
 rogues, thieves and vagabonds of every denomination, during 
 its continuance, from restraint of punishment. With this 
 regiment of resiners did Roger march into Wales, where, 
 strange to tell, they played so good a tune, that it in a short 
 time closed with the raising of the siege ; for which service 
 Ranulph rewarded Lacy with full power over all the scrapers 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 239 
 
 of catgut in the county ; a privilege which his son transferred 
 to the family of the Duttons, in Cheshire ; and it is within 
 the recollection of many persons now living, that the anniver- 
 sary of this whimsical solemnity was regularly celebrated, on 
 the festival of St. John the Baptist, by a procession of the 
 minstrels to the church of their tutelar saint in Chester, to 
 the no small amusement of the spectators. 
 
 NEW ENGLAND CURIOSITY REBUKED. 
 
 Doctor Franklin, in the early part of his life, as trav- 
 elling from Philadelphia to Boston, was accosted at an inn 
 where he stopped with the usual questions of, Whence came 
 you? What is your name? Where are you going? and 
 Of what profession? with many other equally impertinent 
 inquiries. The doctor sat obstinately silent till supper was 
 ended, when he desired the host to assemble his wife, children 
 and servants. They were accordingly introduced with much 
 solemnity, and the doctor, rising from his seat, thus addressed 
 them, with singular gravity : " My good friends, I have sent 
 for you all, to give an account of myself. My name is Ben- 
 jamin Franklin ; I am a printer, of Philadelphia, aged about 
 years, and am going on business to Boston." 
 
 PLEASANT PROSPECT. 
 
 An elderly lady, intending to purchase the upper flat of a 
 house in Prince' s-street, opposite the West Church Burying- 
 ground, from which the chain of Pentland Hills forms a beau- 
 tiful back-ground, after being made acquainted with all its 
 conveniences and the beauty of its situation, elegantly enumer- 
 ated by the builder, he requested her to cast her eye on the 
 
240 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 romantic hills at a distance, on the other side of the church- 
 yard. The lady admitted that "she had certainly a most 
 pleasant prospect beyond the grave" 
 
 AN APPLE-WOMAN PUZZLED. 
 
 A few days since, a pleasant-looking, middle-aged man, 
 with iron-gray hair, stopped at an apple- woman's stand on 
 Chestnut-street, and, buying one of her finest pippins, he cut 
 it in two, when, much to the woman's astonishment, a five- 
 dollar gold piece rolled out from the core. " Why," said he ; 
 " these are golden pippins you sell! shall I have another at 
 the same price?" She was so astonished at the occurrence 
 as to be unable to reply ; and the buyer, taking silence for 
 consent, cut another, when a golden seed, of still greater 
 value, dropped from it. Recovering from her surprise, she 
 refused to sell any more to him, and forthwith commenced 
 cutting her apples upon her own account, without finding 
 what she expected. The purchaser was, after some haggling 
 about the price, suffered to pay for another apple, and the 
 woman was again surprised by a golden eagle being found 
 within it. A crowd had by this time gathered, who, recog- 
 nizing Blitz in the purchaser, enjoyed the amazement of the 
 woman. She was about to cut another pippin, when Blitz 
 offered to show her how to accomplish the feat. Lending her 
 his own knife, he used a little magic powder, and, on cutting 
 the apple, she found her labors rewarded with a quarter-eagle. 
 This Blitz allowed her to keep, in return for his joke. 
 
 Some hearts, like evening primroses, open most beautifully 
 in the shadows of life. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 241 
 
 SINGULAR CASE OF INSTINCT IN A HORSE. 
 
 We do not remember ever to have heard of a more remark- 
 able exhibition of equine intelligence than was communicated 
 to us a few days since, by Mr. Allen, of St. Anthony's. The 
 circumstances, as they were narrated to us. are as follows : 
 
 Mr. A. has had for a considerable time a span of sprightly 
 little horses that he has never separated. In the stable, in 
 the field, in the harness, they have always been together. 
 This has caused a strong attachment to grow up between 
 them. A few days ago, he went with them out to Lake Min- 
 netouka. on a fishing excursion. Taking them out of the 
 carriage, he led them down to the lake, and tied them with 
 stout ropes, several rods apart, on a strip of grass that grew 
 upon the shore, and left them to feed. Returning to the 
 shanty, he threw himself upon the floor to await the return 
 of the party who had repaired to the lake to fish. Not much 
 time had elapsed before the sound of an approaching horse's 
 feet attracted his attention, and a moment after one of his 
 span appeared at the door. The animal put his head in, and, 
 giving one neigh, turned at a slow gallop, yet under evident 
 excitement, and returned to the spot where but a few minutes 
 before he and his companion had been seemingly fastened. 
 Surprised to find his horse loose, and struck with his singular 
 conduct, Mr. A. immediately followed, and found the other 
 lying in the water, entangled in the rope, and struggling to 
 keep his head from being submerged. While Mr. A. pro- 
 ceeded to disengage the unfortunate horse, his noble benefac- 
 tor stood by, manifesting the utmost solicitude and sympathy; 
 and when his mate was extricated from his perilous situation, 
 and again upon his feet on terra firma, the generous creature 
 exhibited the most unquestionable signs of satisfaction and joy. 
 That this intelligent animal should have noticed the misfor- 
 21 
 
242 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 tune of his mate, — that he should know where to apply for 
 rescue, and in his efforts should sunder a three-fourths-inch 
 rope, and, finally, that he should exhibit so high an apprecia- 
 tion of the event, — are circumstances to astonish us, and com- 
 mend themselves to the thoughtful consideration of those who 
 would limit the power of reasoning to the " genus homo." 
 
 It is possible to be so neighborly as to be no neighbor. 
 
 Economy may be carried to such excess that it is more 
 properly termed extravagance. 
 
 Thoughts unuttered are your own ; thoughts uttered are 
 the world's. Remember this, and be governed accordingly. 
 
 It is better to sow a young heart with generous thoughts 
 and deeds than a field with corn, since the heart's harvest is 
 perpetual. 
 
 Kossuth, in his speech to the General Assembly of Ohio, 
 said, " The spirit of our age is democracy; all for the people, 
 and all by the people." 
 
 It is more honorable to the head, as well as to the heart, 
 to be misled in our eagerness in the pursuit of truth, than to 
 be safe from blundering by contempt of it. — S. T. Coleridge. 
 
 PROFESSIONAL BLINDNESS. 
 
 Sir Joshua Reynolds originally studied under Hudson, 
 an English portrait-painter, who bestowed very liberally on 
 his customers fair tie-wigs, blue velvet coats, and white satin 
 waistcoats. He afterwards went to Italy, where he studied 
 three years. On his return, he hired a large house in New- 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 243 
 
 port-street ; and the first specimen he gave of his abilities 
 was a boy's head in a turban, richly painted in the style of 
 Rembrandt, which so attracted Hudson's attention that he 
 called every day to see it in its progress, and perceiving, at 
 last, no trace of his own manner left, he exclaimed, " Really, 
 Reynolds, you don't paint so well as when you left England." 
 
 COUNSELLOR DUNNING. 
 
 Counsellor Dunning was cross-examining an old woman, 
 who was an evidence in a case of assault, respecting the iden- 
 tity of the defendant. "Was he a tall man?" says he. 
 " Not very tall; much about the size of your honor." "Was 
 he well-looked?" "'Not very; much like jour honor." 
 "Did he squint?" "'A little; but not so much as your 
 honor." 
 
 During the retreat of the British troops in Holland, while 
 they were floundering through the mud in a part of the road 
 uncommonly bad, a corps of the guards were much scattered, 
 when the commanding officer called out to the men to form 
 two deep. "Blast me ! " shouts a grenadier from between 
 two mountains of mud, "I am too deep already; I am up 
 to the neck." 
 
 A lady at sea, full of delicate apprehensions in a gale of 
 wind, cried out, among other pretty exclamations, "'We shall 
 all go to the bottom; mercy on us ! how my head swims ! " 
 "Zounds, madam, never fear," said one of the sailors; "you 
 can never go to the bottom while your head swims." 
 
244 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 VERY LIKE YOUR MEAT. 
 
 Hugo Arnot, author of the History of Edinburgh, &c, 
 was a perfect walking skeleton. One day he was eating a 
 split dried haddock, — or, as it is called in Scotland, a spel- 
 dring, — when Harry Erskine came in. "You see," said 
 Hugo, "I am not starving." "I must own," replied the 
 other, " that you are very like your meat." 
 
 FACE OF BRASS. 
 
 The house of Mr. Dundas, once Lord President of the 
 Court of Sessions in Scotland, and the elder brother of Mr. 
 Secretary Dundas, having, after his death, been converted 
 into a smith's shop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the 
 following impromptu : 
 
 " This house a lawyer once enjoyed, 
 A smith does now possess ; 
 How naturally the iron age 
 Succeeds the age of brass ! " 
 
 REVERSIONARY PAYMENTS. 
 
 A Roman prince complained to C. Maratti, the celebrated 
 painter, of the dearness of his pictures. He answered that 
 the famous artists, his predecessors, having been very ill 
 paid, the whole world were indebted to them a very large 
 sum, and that he was come to receive their arrears. 
 
 When it was told to the late Rev. Sydney Smith that it 
 was intended to pave St. Paul's church-yard with blocks, his 
 answer was, that he thought there would be no difficulty in 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 245 
 
 the matter, if the Dean and Chapter would pat their 
 heads together. 
 
 TIT FOR TAT. 
 
 A physician's business rendered it necessary for him to 
 dine several days at a public house with several of his 
 brother chips. On calling for his bill, he found a certain sum 
 charged each day for wine. The doctor made objections to the 
 charge, and said that he had not made use of wine. "The 
 wine," said the landlord 3 "was on the sideboard; you might 
 have helped yourself. 7 ' Some time after, the landlord called 
 at the doctor's house, and desired that he would call and pre- 
 scribe for one of his children. On adjusting their mutual 
 accounts, the landlord found a charge for medicine exactly 
 equal to his charge for wine. "How is this, doctor? I 
 have had no medicine." "It was on the shelf," said the 
 doctor ; " you might have helped yourself." 
 
 TAKE AWAY THE FOWLS. 
 
 A certain reverend gentleman of the city of Edinburgh 
 dining with a friend, the lady of the house desiring the ser- 
 vant to take away the dish containing the fovjls, which she 
 pronounced fools (as is sometimes done in Scotland), " I 
 
 presume, madam, you mean fowls" said Mr. R , very 
 
 pompously. "Very well, be it so," said the lady; "take 
 away the foiv Is, but let the fool remain ! " 
 
 A manufacturer of tomb-stones, in a flourishing town 
 in Illinois, lately received a call from a countryman who 
 wanted a stone to place over the grave of his mother. After 
 21* 
 
246 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 looking around for some time, and making sundry remarks 
 about the taste of his deceased mother, he finally pitched 
 upon one which the stone-cutter had prepared for another 
 person. " I like this one," said he. " But," said the man- 
 ufacturer, "that belongs to another man. and has Mrs. Per- 
 ry's name cut on it : it wouldn't do for your mother.'' i; 0, 
 yes, it would," said the countryman ; " she could n't read; 
 and, besides," he continued, as he observed the wonderment 
 of the stone-cutter, -'Perry was always a favorite name of 
 hers, anyhow ! " 
 
 " This ere hanimal, my little dears," observed the keeper 
 of a menagerie to a school, "is a leopard. His complexion 
 is yaller, and agreeably diversified with black spots ! It vos 
 a vulgar herror of the hancients that the critter vos hincapable 
 of changing his spots, vich was deproved in modern times by 
 obserwin' that he wery often slept in one spot, and next night 
 changed to another." £ 'But I say, Mr. Showman," screamed 
 little Johnny, "'the leopard a'nt yellow at all; the Bible 
 says he 's white." " Vere is the text,"' inquired the show- 
 man; u in the Apothecary, or the song of Susannah?" 
 "It's where it says that Gehazi went forth a leper white as 
 
 snow 
 
 ! » 
 
 A story is told of a traveller in Vienna, who was not a 
 little startled at seeing the Danube water-mark on the upper 
 story of a house far above his head. To have reached that 
 height the river must have overflowed the entire city, and 
 drowned out the people. He ventured to inquire. " 0. no," 
 he was told, '-the river never rose to there; but when the 
 memorial was below, the children used to deface it, and the 
 mark had been accordingly removed beyond their reach." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 247 
 
 The absurdity of the thing was entirely incomprehensible to 
 the Austrian intellect. 
 
 A lady passing through New Hampshire observed the 
 following notice on a board : ' { Horses taken in to grass. Long 
 tails, three shillings and sixpence; short tails, two shillings.'' 
 The lady asked the owner of the land the reason for the dif- 
 ference of price. "Why, you see, ma'am," was the reply, 
 "the long tails can brush away the flies, but the short tails 
 are so tormented by them that they can hardly eat at all." 
 
 The following delightful picture is from the Minesota 
 Pioneer: "You can see people in our streets down from 
 the regions of the north, where they have mosquitos ' as is 
 mosquitos,' with veils, which they wear around their hats, 
 fastened around the crown with a band. These they pull 
 down over their faces towards night, when the mosquitos 
 thicken the air too much for respiration.' 
 
 ?? 
 
 Mrs. Harris says it is not as much trouble for a " nuss " 
 to take care of sick people as some folks imagine. The most 
 of 'em don't want anything now-a-days, and when they do 
 they don't get it. 
 
 A^printer by the name of Fleet was blessed with a fam- 
 ily of worthy good people, who were not all remarkable for 
 the pleasantness of their countenances, on which account he 
 would sometimes indulge himself in jokes which were rather 
 coarse, at their expense. He once invited an intimate friend 
 
248 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 to dine with him on pouts , — a kind of fish of which the gen- 
 tleman was remarkably fond. When dinner appeared, the 
 guest remarked that the pouts were wanting. " 0, no," said 
 Fleet, "only look at my wife and daughters." 
 
 LAWYER AND WITNESS. 
 
 Lately a lawyer, retained in a case of assault and battery, 
 was cross-examining a witness in relation to the force of the 
 blow struck. " What kind of a blow was given ? " asked the 
 lawyer. "A blow of the common kind." " Describe the 
 blow." " I am not good at description." " Show me what 
 kind of a blow it was." " I cannot." "You must." "I 
 w T on't." The lawyer appealed to the court. The court told 
 the witness that if the counsel insisted upon his showing 
 what kind of a blow it was, he must do so. " Do you insist 
 upon it?" asked the witness. The counsel replied that he 
 did. "Well, then, since you compel me to show, it was this 
 kind of a blow," at the same time suiting the action to the 
 word, and knocking the astonished disciple of Coke upon Lit- 
 tleton over. 
 
 JUST FEARS. 
 
 The famous French engineer, Marshal Vauban, passing 
 through a village, was suddenly attacked by an illness which 
 required immediate bleeding. The surgeon of the place pre- 
 sented himself for that purpose ; but the marshal, who was a 
 little tinctured with the notion that a man's countenance 
 generally indicates his ability, discovered some diffidence as to 
 committing himself to the surgeon's hands, who asked him if 
 he was afraid of bleeding. "No," answered the marshal, "but 
 I '11 frankly acknowledge that I 'm afraid of the bleeder." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 249 
 
 EXTRAORDINARY EFFECTS OF FEAR. 
 
 In the time of the American war, while the army was 
 encamped at West Point, a party of soldiers discovered an 
 eagle's nest half way down the vast precipice of the rock ad- 
 jacent to the fort. In order to get at the nest, one of the* 
 soldiers was let down by a rope fastened round his middle 
 and made sure above, with two or three men to guide the 
 rope, and draw him up when he had executed his design. 
 When he had descended near the nest, the eagle came upon 
 him with hideous screams, aiming at his head. In this 
 dilemma, he had no way to defend himself but by taking out 
 his knife, with which he kept her off by striking at her every 
 time she came at him. In one of the passes he made at her, 
 he had the misfortune to strike the rope and cut off two of 
 the strands, and the other began to untwist, while his com- 
 panions above drew him up as soon as possible. In this situ- 
 ation, he expected the rope every moment to part, when he 
 must have fallen from the tremendous height, and been dashed 
 to pieces among the rocks ; but when almost every prospect 
 of life had ceased, he was drawn up to the top of the rock, 
 when the remaining strand of the rope was nearly reduced to 
 a wisp or two ! The effect of this sudden and extraordinary 
 instance of fear upon this man was such that, in the course 
 of twenty-four hours, the hair of his head, from a coal-black, 
 was turned as white as the whitest wool ! The man was 
 about twenty-five years of age. 
 
 A French surgeon (Portal) has written a paper to prove 
 that cutting off the great toe is a specific against the falling 
 sickness. In the astonishing progress of science, it may in 
 time be discovered that a man ca* stand better upon one leg 
 than upon two. 
 
250 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 MK. C— K, LORD E— N. 
 
 This eccentric senator, so remarkable for his naive expres- 
 sions, being reminded of a remark which he had formerly 
 made upon a picture, but which he himself had forgotten, 
 inquired, " Did I say that ? " " Yes." " Then, if I said 
 that," quoth the self-gratified wit, "it was deevilish gude." 
 
 One day, as he was limping down the High street of 
 Edinburgh, from the Court of Session, he overheard a young 
 lady saying to her companion, rather loudly, " That's Mr. 
 C — k, the lame law T yer." Upon which he turned round, and, 
 with his usual face of expression, said, " No, madam ; I am 
 a lame man, but not a lame lawyer." 
 
 One passing by a fellow that was deformed, began, in 
 derision, to praise his arms, legs, face, and other parts of his 
 body ; which the fellow perceiving, and knowing himself 
 abused, said that he had one property more, which the other 
 had not taken notice of; and, being demanded what it was, 
 looking over his shoulder upon the other, said, " This is 
 my property : I have a wall-eye in my head, with which I 
 never look over my shoulder, but I behold a fool." 
 
 Some years since, a sober, zealous Connecticut parson went 
 to catechize a family in his parish, who w r ere not so well 
 versed in the rudiments of divinity as many are. When 
 arrived, he thought proper to begin with Lois, the eldest 
 daughter, a girl about eighteen, and buxom as May, w T hose 
 charms had smitten the young village swains with an epi- 
 demic. "Well, Lois," said the parson, "I shall begin with 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 251 
 
 you : come, tell me who died for you/' Lois, with a charm- 
 ing flush in her cheek, replied, "Why, nobody, as I know 
 on." The parson, rather surprised at her answer, repeated his 
 question, with increasing zeal. Lois, rather irritated at the 
 inquisitive parson, again replied, '-'Why, nobody, sir; there 
 was Tom Dawson lay bed-rid for me about six months, but 
 folks say he has got about again." 
 
 Dr. Johnson was iit company with a Scotchman, who was 
 extolling the beauties of the prospect from the Castle Hill, 
 Edinburgh. "Sir," replied he, "the noblest prospect that 
 a Scotchman ever sees is the high road to London." 
 
 A musical gentleman, while performing, was arrested by 
 two bailiffs, who requested him to join them in a trio. "I 
 should rather imagine," said the unfortunate gentleman, "you 
 wish for a catch" 
 
 Mr. Addison once bet that he could make the worst pun 
 that had ever been heard, and succeeded admirably by going 
 up to a man who was carrying a hare in his hand. " Pray," 
 cried he to the man, " is that your own hare, or a wig ? " 
 
 During the American war, an Irishman in the American 
 service, having come by surprise on a small party of Hes- 
 sians, who were foraging, seized their arms, which they had 
 laid aside. He then presented his musket, and with threats 
 drove them before him into the American camp, where the 
 
252 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 singularity of the exploit occasioning some wonder, he was 
 brought, with his prisoners, before General Washington, who 
 asked him how he had taken them. " Why, general," said 
 he, "I surrounded them." 
 
 The manager of a company of tragedians at Versailles, 
 being advised to form a corps of the pages of the king, 
 queen, and princes, answered, sulkily, " Do you think I want 
 to make a book? ,J • 
 
 A vine bears three kinds of grapes, said Anacharsis; 
 the first of pleasure, the second of drunkenness, the third of 
 repentance. 
 
 A scholar, being so fuddled that he could not unlock his 
 door, complained that somebody had stolen his key-hole. 
 
 A TRUE JOE MILLER. 
 
 In the time of Joe Miller, there was an old deaf player of 
 the name of Cross, who, being very vain, took every pains to 
 conceal his infirmity. Joe, walking along Fleet-street with 
 a friend, saw Cross on the opposite side, and told his acquaint- 
 ance he should see some fine sport. So, beckoning to Cross 
 with his finger, he opened his mouth wide, and began to 
 assume the attitude and gestures of one who bawls very loud 
 to a distant object. Cross, thinking that Miller had hallooed 
 to him, and taking that as too broad a signification of his 
 infirmity, pame puffing across the street as hard as he could. 
 " What the devil,' 7 cried he to Joe, u do you make such a 
 noise for ? do you think one cannot hear ? " 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 253 
 
 FRIDE OF ANCESTRY. 
 
 An anecdote is told of Mr. Roger of Werndee, in Mon- 
 mouthshire, which exhibits the pride of ancestry in a striking 
 point of view. His house was in such a state of dilapidation 
 that the proprietor was in danger of perishing under the ruins 
 of the ancient mansion, which he venerated even in decay. A 
 stranger, whom he accidentally met at the foot of the Skyrrid, 
 made various inquiries respecting the country, the prospects, 
 and the neighboring houses ; and, among others, asked, 
 '•Whose is this antique mansion before us 1 " "That 3 sir. 
 is Werndee, a very ancient house ; for out of it came the 
 Earls of Pembroke of the first line, and the Earls of 'Pem- 
 broke of the second line ; the Lords Herbert of Cherbury, 
 the Herberts of Coldbrook, Ramsey, Cardiff, and York ; the 
 Morgans of Acton ; the Earl of Hunsdon ; the houses of 
 Ircowm and Lanarth, and all the Powells. Out of this house, 
 also, by the female line, came the Duke of Beaufort." "And 
 pray, sir, who lives there now 1" " I do, sir. 7 ' " Then par- 
 don me, and accept a piece of advice ; come out of it yourself, 
 or you will soon be buried in the ruins of it." 
 
 Some thieves met a man, robbed him, and bound him in a 
 wood. Just after, they met another, bound him also, and 
 laid him on the other side of the hedge ; when one of them 
 cried, " I am undone ! I am undone ! " The other, hearing 
 him, begged most heartily that he would come and undo him 
 too. 
 
 A remarkably hard drinker, who was expiring, begged 
 one of his friends to bring him a goblet of water, telling him, 
 "On our death-beds we must be reconciled to our enemies." 
 22 
 
254 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 IMPROVEMENT ON THE FRILL. 
 
 George Selywn one day dining at the Duke of Rich- 
 mond's, a French marquis was declaiming on the ingenuity 
 of his countrymen, "who," he said, " were de grande artistes 
 for de modes and de fashions, pour tout le nionde. For in- 
 stance," said he, " look at de roffel {ruffle), dat fine ornament 
 for de hand and for de breast. De Frenchman invent it, and 
 all de oder nations in Europe quickly adopt de same plan." 
 "True," replied Mr. Selwyn, "we allow that your country- 
 men have great merit in invention ; but you must at the same 
 time admit that, though the English are not an inventive, 
 they are at least an improving, people. For example, to the 
 very articles which you mention they have made a very im- 
 portant and useful addition." " Les Anglois, Mistare Sel- 
 vin," returned the Frenchman, stroking and pulling down the 
 ruffles on his breast and hands, "'are, sans doute, ver clevar 
 men; rnaisje ne connais pas quelle improvement dey could 
 make to de roffel ; que ce la Monsieur ? " " Why, by add- 
 ing a shirt to it," replied Selwyn. 
 
 PETER THE GREAT. 
 A Russian officer, named Valensky, who had a command 
 in the Persian expedition, had once been beaten by the Empe- 
 ror Peter's order, mistaking him for another. " Well," said 
 Peter, " I am sorry for it, but you will deserve it one day or 
 other, and then remind me that you are in arrears with me ; " 
 which accordingly happened upon that very expedition, and 
 he was excused. 
 
 A countess coming into the dressing-room of her daugh- 
 ter, a young lady about fourteen, whilst she was at her toilet, 
 and observing her very busy in setting her person off to the 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 255 
 
 best advantage, herself being in full dress and richly adorned 
 with jewels, asked the girl what she would give to be as fine 
 as her mamma. To which miss replied, " Not quite so much 
 as jour ladyship would give to be as young as I am:'' 
 
 THE RIGHT HAND. 
 
 Marshal Cassion rose very early, after the battle of 
 Rocroi. '-Because,'' said he to the Prince of Conde, "we 
 have a great day's work to perform." The prince, who es- 
 teemed him, without loving him, called him " his right hand." 
 " Yes," answered the marshal, "it is the hand furthest from 
 the heart." 
 
 THEATRICAL CUSTOM. 
 
 La Fontaine, being in company with Moliere and Des- 
 preaux, was condemning the custom of the conversations aside 
 in dramatic pieces. " Nothing," said he, " is more contrary 
 to good sense. What ! the pit is to hear what the actor does 
 not hear, though he stands close to the speaker." La Fon- 
 taine grew warm in declaiming against this usage. In the 
 mean time, Despreaux said loud, "'La Fontaine must be a 
 great rascal." The poet continued his subject of complaint. 
 They began to laugh ; he asked them why they laughed. 
 Despreaux answered him, "The reason is this : I have been 
 abusing you quite loud, and you have not heard me, yet are 
 so close to me that you touch me ; and you are surprised that 
 an a^tor on the stage does not hear an aside which another 
 performer says by his side." 
 
 Alphonsus, King of Naples, had in his court a fool, who 
 used to write down in a book all the follies of the great men 
 
256 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 in his time that were at court. The king one day, having a 
 Moor in his household, sent him to the Levant to buy horses, 
 with ten thousand ducats. This the fool marked in his book, 
 esteeming it a pure piece of folly. Some time after, the king, 
 as he used to do when he had a mind to be merry, called for 
 the book, and found at last his own name, with the story of 
 the ten thousand ducats. The king, being somewhat moved, 
 asked the reason why his name was there. " Because," says 
 the jester, "you have committed a piece of folly, to give 
 your money to one you are never like to see again." " But 
 if he does come again," says the king, "and brings me the 
 horses, what folly is that in me?" "Why, if ever he does 
 come again," replies the fool, " I '11 blot out your name, and 
 put in his." 
 
 THE UP-COUNTRYMAN'S MISTAKE. 
 
 An up-countryman, having business with a friend in the 
 State of Georgia, had to ride about a mile on the beach in 
 going up to the house where a great number of fiddlers had 
 mustered. As soon as the countryman's horse entered the 
 beach, he was no less surprised than his master at seeing such 
 a large assembly of uncommonly polite little animals. After 
 he had arrived at his friend's some time, he complained of a 
 most violent pain in his back. His friend asked him how he 
 came by it. He said he did not know, without it was owing 
 to his continual bowing to those little animals he saw on the 
 beach ; for they were on every side, looking at him, and a 
 bowing, — "How do you do? how do you do?" "'I thought 
 to myself," said the countryman, "you shan't have more man- 
 ners than I have got : and so they kept both myself and horse 
 a bowing, first one side and then the other, — 'How do you do, 
 sirs? how do you do, sirs?' until we passed them all. This 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 257 
 
 must have been the cause of the pain in my back/' The gen- 
 tleman burst into a loud laugh, saying the little animals that 
 he saw were a kind of sand-crab, that were accustomed, at 
 the rising and going down of the tide, to assemble, in their 
 manner of actions, to rejoice and sport. " Tarnation seize 
 the little things/ 7 said the countryman, " for making me such 
 a fool ! M 
 
 NOT OUR LAWFUL SOVEREIGN. 
 
 An English regiment, stationed at Peterhead, not long 
 after the Rebellion of 17-45, received such polite attentions 
 from the inhabitants, that the colonel determined, by way of 
 expressing his gratitude, to invite the principal inhabitants to 
 dinner. Among those selected for invitation was Bishop 
 Dunbar: but some one. on being told so by the colonel, 
 remarked that that person was only a Scotch bishop, and 
 perhaps unworthy of the honor he designed to confer upon 
 him. "Oj never mind that,' 7 cried the Englishman ; £ 'my 
 father was a bishop, and I respect the title, by whatever 
 countryman it may be borne.'' Not satisfied with this, he 
 called upon the bishop in person, and requested, in very re- 
 spectful terms, the honor of his company. The bishop, who 
 was a man of very modest and retired mode of life, desired to 
 be excused, on the plea of his age and infirmities : and also 
 represented to the colonel that, as his principles forbade him 
 to join in certain public toasts, it would perhaps be just as 
 agreeable to all parties that j^e should not attend. The 
 colonel would by no means listen to any excuses ; and, at 
 last, succeeded in obtaining the old man's consent, though not 
 before he had promised that no toast should be given at all 
 calculated to offend the feelings of the guest. At dinner 
 everything proceeded well ; but, on * : The King" being given, 
 
258 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 after the withdrawal of the cloth, and the bishop drinking it 
 W 7 ith the preliminary addition of the word " rightful," a cor- 
 net swore a violent oath, and exclaimed, "That is not King 
 George, sir." " I take you all to witness," said the old cler- 
 gyman, placidly, but with triumph beaming in his eye, " this 
 young gentleman says King George is not our rightful sover- 
 eign ! " This good thing was hailed by a burst of laughter, 
 at the cornet's expense. 
 
 A gentleman amusing himself in the gallery of the 
 Palais, a place in Paris somewhat as our Exchanges for- 
 merly were, observed, while he was carelessly looking over 
 some pamphlets, a suspicious fellow stood rather too near him. 
 The gentleman was dressed according to the fashion of the 
 times, in a coat with a prodigious number of silver tags and 
 tassels, upon which the thief began to have a design ; and the 
 gentleman, not willing to disappoint him, turned his head 
 another way, to give him an opportunity. The thief imme- 
 diately set to work, and in a trice twisted off seven or eight 
 of the silver tags. The gentleman perceived it, and, draw- 
 ing out a penknife, caught the fellow by the ear, and cut it 
 off close to his head. " Murder ! murder ! " cries the thief. 
 "Robbery ! robbery ! " cries the gentleman. Upon this the 
 thief, in a passion, throwing them at the gentleman, roared, 
 "There are your tags and buttons! u "Very well," says 
 the gentleman (throwing it back in like manner), " there is 
 your ear!" * 
 
 One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told 
 him he was his kinsman. Says he, " No hog can be bacon 
 till it is hanged, and then I '11 allow you to be my kinsman." 
 
OXE THOUSAND ANECDOTE*. 259 
 
 MRS. PARTINGTON OX TRAINING 
 
 "Moral training," said Mrs. Partington, "is the best, 
 arter all." She had heard some one in the omnibus speaking 
 of moral training, and her benevolence gave it into the charge 
 of memory until she got home : and memory revolved it, and 
 pondered it. and reviewed it. and fancy construed it to mean 
 something about the military training that was to come off the 
 next day. '' I hope it will be a moral training, I 7 m sure,' 7 
 said she: ■'•'for I see that the gov 7 nor is to be there in his 
 new suit, and I hope they '11 make their revolutions well 
 before him. I do admire the milintery, where the sogers in 
 their fancy unicorns look just like a patchwork quilt. They 
 wasn't moral trainings in old times, when men put 'enemies 
 into their heads to steal away their hats, 7 as Mr. Smooth, the 
 schoolmaster, used to say. Your Uncle Paul had a good deal 
 of milintery sperret. sometimes, Isaac.' 7 Ike had remained 
 very quiet while she was speaking. "What upon airth are 
 you doing there. Isaac ]" cried she. The young gentleman. 
 readily told her he was painting a horse, at the same time dis- 
 playing an animal nominally of that description, done beauti- 
 fully in blue, which he appeared to look on with much satis- 
 •• But what are you painting it with 1 — As true as 
 I'm living, you've got your Uncle Paul's tompion that he 
 used to wear in his cap so long ago, and you 're using up all 
 my bluing! 7 * That pompion. saved for so many years, to 
 be used for such a purpose ! Ah, Ike, Ike ! 
 
 Max once asked the eagle. "Why dost thou bring up thy 
 young so high in the air ?" The eagle replied, "Would they 
 when grown up venture so near the sun, if I brought them 
 up low down on the earth 
 
260 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 BUCKINGHAM AND SIR ROBERT YINER. 
 
 The second Duke of Buckingham, talking to Sir Robert 
 Viner in a melancholy humor about his personal extrava- 
 gance, U I am afraid, Sir Robert," he said, "I shall die a 
 beggar, at last, — the most terrible thing in the world." 
 "Upon my word, my lord, 5 ' answered the mayor, "'there is 
 another thing more terrible which you have reason to appre- 
 hend : and that is, that you will live a beg gar ', at the rate 
 you go on." 
 
 PROPHECY FULFILLED. 
 
 One coming into a cathedral where the choir consisted of 
 very bad voices said that the prophecy of Amos was fulfilled, 
 — "And the songs of the temple shall be bowlings." 
 
 ROYAL FAULTS. 
 
 The famous "Whiston was a pensioner to Queen Caroline, 
 who sometimes admitted him to the honor of her conversation, 
 and paid the pension with her own hands. One day she said 
 to him, " Mr. Whiston, I understand you are a free speaker, 
 and honestly tell people of their faults : no one is without 
 faults, and I wish you would tell me of mine;" and she 
 pressed him to do so. He was still upon the reserve, and she 
 pressed him the more. "Well," said he, " since your 
 majesty insists upon it, I must obey you. There are abun- 
 dance of people who come out of the country every spring to 
 London upon business, and they all naturally desire to see 
 the king and queen, and have not any opportunity of seeing 
 your majesty so conveniently as at the Chapel Royal: but 
 these country folks, who are not used to such things, when 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 2G1 
 
 they see your majesty talking with the king almost all the 
 time of divine service, are perfectly astonished, and depart 
 with strange impressions into their respective counties, and 
 make their reports there, let me tell you, not at all to your 
 majesty's honor." "I am sorry for it," answered the queen; 
 " I believe there may be too much truth in what you say; 
 but pray, Mr. Whiston, tell me of another fault." "No, 
 madam," said he ; "let me see you mend this, before I tell 
 you of another." 
 
 LORD THURLOW AND THE DISSENTERS. 
 
 The dissenters waited upon Lord Thurlow, by appointment, 
 to request his vote for the repeal of the test act. After he 
 had heard their sentiments, in a long harangue, with more 
 than his ordinary patience, when the speech w r as concluded he 
 thus addressed them: " Gentlemen, you have requested me 
 to vote for the repeal of the test act. I shall not vote for it. 
 I do not care whether your religion or mine has the ascend- 
 ency, or whether any religion or none ; but, as I know when 
 you were uppermost you kept us down, so now that we are 
 uppermost we w T ill, by the help of God, keep you where you 
 
 MAKING FREE. 
 
 Some time ago a member of Parliament applied to the 
 post-office to know why some of his franks had been charged. 
 The answer was, " We supposed, sir, they were not of your 
 writing; the hand is not the same." "Why, not precisely 
 the same ; but, the truth is, I happened to be a little tipsy 
 when I wrote them." "Then, sir, will you be so good, in 
 future, as to write •' drank ' when you make free" 
 
262 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 « 
 
 Some Frenchmen who had landed on the coast of Guinea 
 were carried before a negro prince. He was seated under a 
 tree ; his throne was a large block of wood, and his guard con- 
 sisted of three or four negroes armed with wooden pikes. 
 This ridiculous monarch asked, " Do they talk much of me in 
 France?" 
 
 A VERY COMMON CASE IN LETTER-WRITING. 
 
 In a collection of posthumous letters, lately published, is 
 the following very natural, very just, and very generally 
 appropriate reflection: "It is now six months since I have 
 written you ; but do not place all that time to the account of 
 my negligence. This is the calculation I propose : impute to 
 my idleness the first month only, — the other months lay to 
 the account of the shame I had in omitting to write to you 
 during the first." 
 
 The crier employed by an auctioneer in Portsmouth, among 
 other articles, cried white silk stockings, of all colors. 
 
 A gentleman asked a shepherd " whether that river might 
 be passed over or not." "Yes," says he, — but, upon try- 
 ing, he flounced over head and ears. "Why, you rogue ! " 
 says he, "did you not tell me it might be passed over?" 
 " Indeed, sir," says he, "I thought so; for my geese go over 
 and back again every day, and I did not doubt but you was 
 as wise as a goose." 
 
 IGNORANCE. 
 
 A certain gentleman, in speaking of a book, said "he 
 found it so bad he did not give himself the trouble to read it." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 263 
 
 THE GOOD OF LEARNING. 
 
 It is well known that those who are admitted doctors in the 
 University of Montpelier wear the gown of Rabelais, which 
 is put on with much ceremonious veneration. The cause of 
 this custom is not so well known ; — it is, that Rabelais, by 
 his wit, procured the revocation of a decree which abolished 
 its privileges. The Chancellor Duprat being on this occasion 
 inaccessible to any mediator, Rabelais hit on the following 
 singular contrivance to obtain an audience. He addressed 
 himself to the porter of M. Duprat, to whom he spoke in 
 Latin ; the porter immediately sent for a man who spoke that 
 language, — Rabelais spoke Greek to him; another, w r ho 
 understood Greek, having appeared, he spoke Hebrew to him, 
 and, it is added, several other languages. The capacity of 
 Rabelais so astonished the assembly that they went, in a body, 
 to inform the chancellor, who, charmed with the speech he 
 made, and at the science he displayed, reestablished, on his 
 account, all the privileges of the university. 
 
 DUKE OF NORFOLK. 
 
 The first Protestanf Duke of Norfolk, carrying the sword 
 of state before James II. to his chapel, stopped at the door, 
 and would go no further. The king said, "Tour father 
 would have gone further,*' — to which the duke answered, 
 :i Your father would not have gone so far." 
 
 HUGH PETERS. 
 
 Hugh Peters, the Puritan, preaching on the devil's enter- 
 ing the swine, said, "My beloved, for conclusion I shall give 
 three observations on the text ; which, for your better remem- 
 
264 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. • 
 
 brance, I shall clothe in three English proverbs : — 1. The 
 devil went from men into swine, — He had leather play at 
 sm,all game than stand out. 2. When he possessed them, 
 they ran down a bank into the sea, — They must needs go 
 ivhom the devil drives. 3. They were all, no less than two 
 thousand, drowned in the sea, — The devil brought his hogs 
 to a fair ?narket" 
 
 JUDGE JEFFRIES. 
 
 When Jeffries was told that the Prince of Orange would 
 very soon land, and it was reported that a manifesto, stating 
 his inducements, objects, &c, was already written, "Pray, 
 my Lord Chief- Justice," said a gentleman present, "what do 
 you think will be the heads of this manifesto?" li Mine 
 will be one^ replied he. 
 
 MODEST REPLY. 
 
 A lady asked the celebrated statesman and warrior, Prince 
 Maurice of Nassau, who was the greatest general of his age. 
 The modesty of this prince would not permit him to name 
 himself; his ambition forbade him to yield the rank to any of 
 his rivals; — he answered, "Madam, the Marquis of Spinola 
 is the second." 
 
 ACTING. 
 
 Thomas Betterton, the celebrated English actor, w r as so 
 exact in imitating nature, that the look of surprise he assumed 
 in the character of Hamlet (when he personated the ghost) 
 astonished Booth to such a degree that he was incapable of 
 proceeding in his part for some moments. This anecdote is 
 related by Booth, who observes that " Betterton was not an 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 265 
 
 actor, but nature itself, — that he put on his part with his 
 clothes, and was the very man or character he undertook to 
 be, and nothing more." 
 
 The mind may be overburdened ; like the body, it is 
 strengthened more by the warmth of exercise than of clothes. 
 
 Happy the land where the history of the past is the history 
 of the people, and not a mere flattery to kings. — Kossuth. 
 
 " Think wrong, and welcome," said Lessing ; " but think; " 
 and that maxim is the plain corner-stone of greatness. 
 
 Modest men conceal their joys as well as their sorrows, for 
 they consider the one as undeserved as the other. — Jean 
 Paul. 
 
 There is high political wisdom in the custom yearly to 
 revive the memory of civic virtue and national glory in the 
 minds of the living generation. — Kossuth. 
 
 The man who will not execute his resolutions when they 
 are fresh upon him can have no hope from them afterwards ; 
 they will be dissipated, lost, and perish in the hurry and 
 skurry of the world, or sink in the slough of indolence. 
 
 A peevish English moralist complains that the ladies of 
 the present day have red bosoms, red cheeks, and red elbows, 
 and, indeed, are well red in everything but in books. 
 
 Winterbotham, the historian, in his description of the 
 Chinese island Kiun Teheou Fou, says, " Among the birds 
 are to be found starlings Avith a small crescent on their bills, 
 and blackbirds of a deep blue color." 
 
266 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A MORAL. 
 
 A clergyman riding across a bridge near where two men 
 were fishing, overheard one of them swearing most dreadfully. 
 He dismounted, tied his horse, and entered into conversation 
 with the swearer, asking him many questions about his em- 
 ployment, and at length what kind of bait he used. He 
 answered, "Different kinds for different fish." " But cannot 
 you catch fish without bait ? " " No," said he, staring at the 
 minister; " they would be great fools to bite at the bare 
 hook." " But," said the minister, " I know a fisherman who 
 catches many fish without bait." "But who is he?" said 
 the fisherman. "It is the devil; and he catches swearers 
 without bait Other sinners want a bait, but the silly swearer 
 will bite at the bare hook" 
 
 A German writer says that Bonaparte was so ambitious, 
 that he would have the Black Sea for a wash-basin, the Med- 
 iterranean for a watering-place, the Baltic for a fish-pond, the 
 Atlantic for a pleasure-yacht, and the Pacific Ocean for a 
 horse-pond, when he is in a passion. 
 
 A young Frenchman, son to a merchant in Paris, has 
 lately published the memoirs of his life, which begin in the 
 following curious manner : " I am the son of Pierre Bertrand 
 and Co." 
 
 A man named Stone exclaimed, in a bar-room, "'I have the 
 hardest name in the company." "Done," said one ; "what 
 is your name?" "Stone," cried the first. "Hand me 
 the money," said he ; "my name is Harder." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 267 
 
 QUEER RETALIATION. 
 
 When Cibber once went to visit Booth, and knew that he 
 was at home, a female domestic denied him. Cibber took no 
 notice of this at the time ; but when, in a few days after- 
 wards, Booth paid him a visit in return, he called out from 
 the floor that he w T as not at home. " How can that be," 
 answered Booth; "do I not hear your voice?" " To be 
 sure you do," answered Cibber; " but what then ? I believed 
 your servant-maid, and it is hard, indeed, if you won't believe 
 me!" 
 
 WIFE. 
 
 A lady was asked to reveal the secret by which she had 
 always preserved the attention and affection of her husband. 
 "It is," answered she, "in doing everything that pleases 
 him, and by bearing patiently everything that does not please 
 me." 
 
 GENEROSITY. 
 
 A gentleman, who owed a considerable sum to the Duke 
 of Soissons, waited on him to request he would cancel half 
 the debt. " That half is no longer mine," said the duke to 
 him, "after you have taken the trouble to ask for it; but, 
 as you have left the other half at my disposal, will you allow 
 me to give it to you? " 
 
 " I cannot imagine," said Alderman H., "why my whis- 
 kers should turn gray so much quicker than the hair on my 
 head." " Because you have worked so much more with your 
 jaws than with your brains," observed a wag. 
 
268 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 FORGIVENESS. 
 
 The son of the Caliph Haroun al Raschid preferred a com- 
 plaint of a man who had calumniated his mother. u 0, son ! " 
 said the caliph, l c you are doing a greater wrong to yout 
 mother than he has, for you will cause it to be believed that 
 she did not teach you forgiveness." 
 
 MEDICINE. 
 
 About fifty years since, a very worthy man, and one 
 whose word may be relied on, went to St. James' Palace, to 
 visit one of the pages, w r hose apartment was two pair of stairs 
 high. He drank tea there, took his leave, and, stepping back 
 unadvisedly (on his friend's shutting the door after him), he 
 half slipped and half tumbled down a whole flight of steps, 
 and probably w T ith his head burst open a closet-door. We 
 say probably, because the unlucky visitor was too completely 
 stunned with the fall to know w T hat had happened. Certain 
 it is that he found himself, on his recovery, sitting on the 
 floor of a small room, and most kindly attended by a neat 
 little old gentleman, who was carefully washing his head with 
 a towel, and fitting, with infinite exactness, pieces of sticking- 
 plaster to the variegated cuts which the accident had con- 
 ferred on the abrupt visitor's unwigged pate. For some time 
 his surprise kept him silent ; but, finding that the kind physi- 
 cian had completed his task, and had even picked up his wig 
 and replaced it on his battered head, he rose from the floor, 
 and, limping towards his benefactor, was going to utter a pro- 
 fusion of thanks for the succor he had received, and inquiries 
 into the manner of his mishap. These were, however, in- 
 stantly checked by an intelligent frown, and by a significant 
 wave of the hand towards the door of the closet. The patient 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 209 
 
 understood the hint, and retired, taking more care of his steps 
 downwards for the remainder of the staircase, and wondering 
 how so much humanity and so much unsociableness could 
 dwell in the same breast. His wonder (which, like all other 
 wonders, was connected with folly) ceased, w 7 hen he found, on 
 describing to a friend the situation of the closet, that he had 
 owed the kind assistance he had received to the first man in 
 the kingdom, who, after having exercised the humanity of the 
 fellow-creature, found too much of the monarch about him 
 to support a familiar conversation with the person he had 
 relieved. 
 
 MORTIFICATION. 
 
 DupuYj Bishop of Arras, invited one day to dinner two 
 clergymen and three ladies. He remarked that, during the 
 whole of the repast, the youngest of the two clergymen had 
 his eyes steadfastly fixed on one of the ladies, who was very 
 handsome. The bishop, after dinner, when the ladies retired, 
 asked him what he thought of the beauty he had been looking 
 at. The clergyman answered, " My lord, in looking at that 
 lady, I was reflecting that her beautiful forehead will one 
 day be covered with wrinkles ; that the coral on her lips will 
 pass to her eyes, the vivacity of which will be extinguished ; 
 that the ivory of her teeth will be changed to ebony ; that 
 to the roses and lilies of her complexion the withered appear- 
 ance of care will succeed ; that her fine soft skin will become 
 a dry parchment : that her agreeable smiles will be converted 
 into grimaces ; and that, at length, she will become the anti- 
 dote of love.'' "I never should have supposed," said the 
 bishop, " that the sight of a fine woman could have inspired 
 a young man with such a profound meditation." 
 23* 
 
270 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A beggar asked Moliere for alms ; lie gave him, through 
 absence of mind or mistake, for a less valuable piece, a louis 
 d'or. The poor fellow, on perceiving it, hobbled after him, 
 and told him of it ; upon which Moliere returned it to him, 
 with another louis d'or, as a reward for his honesty, exclaim- 
 ing, " My God ! what a lodging Virtue has taken up with 
 there ! " 
 
 PUN UPON PUN. 
 
 Strange, Moore and Wright, three notorious punsters, 
 were, on a certain occasion, dining .together, when Moore 
 observed, "There is but one knave among us, and that ? s 
 Strange" u 0, no," said Wright ; "there is one Moore" 
 "Ay," said Strange, "that's Wright." 
 
 CAT 0' NINE TAILS. 
 
 The captain of one of the British frigates, a man of 
 undaunted bravery, had a natural antipathy to a cat. A 
 sailor, who, from misconduct, had been ordered a flogging, 
 saved his back, by presenting to his captain the following 
 petition : 
 
 " By your honor's command 
 
 A culprit I stand, 
 An example to all the ship's crew ; 
 
 I am pinioned, and stript, 
 
 And condemned to be whipt, 
 And if I am flogged — 'tis my due ! 
 
 A cat, I am told, 
 
 In abhorrence you hold : 
 Your honor's aversion is mine ! — 
 
 If a cat with one tail 
 
 Makes your stout heart to fail, 
 0, gave me from one that has nine ! " 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 271 
 
 EXTRAORDINARY ALTAR-PIECE. 
 
 " Over a Popish altar at Worms," says Burnet, " there is 
 a picture one would think invented to ridicule transubstantia- 
 tion. There is a windmill, and the Virgin Mary throws Christ 
 into the hopper, and He comes out at the eye of the mill all 
 in wafers, which a priest takes up to give to the people." 
 
 General Sir Eyre Coote and his staff were standing in 
 a group one morning, when a gun was pointed at them. The 
 ball struck the ground near Coote. " You had better move, 
 sir," said an officer; "you are observed." " Never mind," 
 replied the general, " they could not do that again." Another 
 time, one of his aids-de-camp observed that he endangered his 
 health, and the fate of the army, by exposing himself too 
 much to the sun. " Tut, tut," exclaimed the veteran ; "the 
 sun has no more effect on me than on a deal board." " Ay, 
 but, sir," rejoined the aid-de-camp, "'you should recollect it 
 is not the first old board that the sun has split." 
 
 When Dr. Jeggon, afterwards Bishop of Norwich, was 
 master of Bennet College, Cambridge, he punished all the 
 under-graduates for some general offence ; and because he 
 disdained to convert the penalty-money into private use, it 
 was expended on new whitening the hall of the college. A 
 scholar hung the following verses on the screen : 
 
 " "Dr. Jeggon, Bennet College master, 
 
 Broke the scholars' heads and gave the walls a plaster." 
 
 The doctor, perusing the paper, wrote underneath, extem- 
 pore, 
 
 " Knew I but the wag that writ these verses in bravery, 
 I 'd commend him for his wit, but whip him for his knavery." 
 
272 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 TO EDITORS AND OTHERS. 
 
 The public are informed that accidents, murders, &c., are 
 manufactured and for sale at the subscriber's establishment, 
 in the back-attic of No. 14 Literary Row. Their prices vary, 
 of course, as to size, goodness, and quality. The undersigned 
 begs leave to append some specimens of skill. 
 
 J. Fitz Fiction. 
 
 N. B. A discount made to wholesale purchasers. 
 
 " Singular Fact. — As one of the children of Mr. Snubbins 
 was sleeping in its crib, on Wednesday last, a mouse crept 
 down its throat. The child was awakened, and, with a pre- 
 cocity truly astonishing, called loudly for a physician. The 
 intelligent Dr. Trodnob, being sent for, made the interesting 
 little sufferer swallow a cat ; who, when she had caught the 
 mouse, was dislodged by means of a stomach-pump. The 
 accomplished little innocent, we are happy to say, is near 
 recovery." 
 
 " Distressing Occurrence. — As one of our most respected 
 fellow-citizens was crossing the track of the Slambangmuggle.- 
 tonville Railroad, he was knocked down by one of the locomo- 
 tives, and thrown to a great distance. A physician was 
 immediately called in, and we are happy to say that the 
 patient is so far recovered as to ask for a gin toddy." 
 
 "Horrible! — The powder-mill of Sancho Suds & Co. 
 blew up on Wednesday last, witk a tremendous noise." 
 
 The man who will live above his present circumstances is 
 in great danger of living in a little time much beneath them ; 
 or, as the Italian proverb says, u The man who lives by hope 
 will die by danger." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 273 
 
 INGENIOUS REASON. 
 
 The Welsh formerly drank their ale, mead, or metheglin, 
 out of earthen vessels, glazed and painted within and without, 
 with dainty devices. A farmer in the principality, who had a 
 curious quart mug, with an angel painted at the bottom, on 
 the inside, found that a neighbor who very frequently visited 
 him, and, with the customary hospitality, had the first 
 draught, always gave so hearty a swig as to leave little for 
 the rest of the party. This our farmer three or four times 
 remonstrated against, as unfair ; but was always answered, 
 lt Hur does so love to look at that pretty angel, that hur always 
 drinks till hur can see its face. 7 ' The farmer, on this, set 
 aside his angel cup, and at the next Shrewsbury fair bought 
 one with a figure of the devil painted at the bottom. This 
 being produced, foaming with ale, to his guest ; he made but 
 one draught, and handed it to the next man quite empty. 
 Being asked his reason, as he could not now wish to look at 
 the angel, he replied, " iNo, but hur cannot bear to leave 
 that ugly devil a drop." 
 
 A WINDOW IN THE BELLY. 
 
 "I WISH," said Rigby to Charles Fox, '''that you would 
 stand out of my light, or that you had a window in that great 
 belly of yours.*' "What," said Charles, '-'that you might 
 lay an additional tax upon it, I suppose ! " 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Your comedy I 've read, my friend, 
 And like the halfjou pilfered best ; 
 
 But sure the drama you might mend — 
 Take courage, man ! and steal the rest. 
 
274 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 GENERAL WOLFE. 
 
 General Wolfe, happening to overhear a> young officer 
 talk of him in a very familiar manner, as,. "Wolfe and I 
 drank a bottle of wine together, 7 ' and so on, appeared, and 
 said, "I think you might say General Wolfe." "No," 
 replied the subaltern, with a happy presence of mind, "did 
 you ever hear of General Achilles, or General Julius Caesar? " 
 
 A servant, who had made the improvement which might 
 have been expected from hearing the irreligious and blasphe- 
 mous conversation continually passing at the table where it 
 was his place to wait, took an opportunity to rob his master. 
 Being apprehended, and urged to give a reason for this 
 infamous behavior, "Sir," said he, "I have so often heard 
 you speak of the impossibility of a future state, and that after 
 death there was no reward for virtue or punishment for vice, 
 
 I was tempted to commit the robbery." "Well, but," 
 I the master, " had you no fear of that death which the 
 
 of your country inflict on a criminal? " " Sir," rejoined 
 the servant, looking sternly at his master, "what is that to 
 you, if I had a mind to venture that ? You had removed my 
 greatest fear ; — why should I fear the less ? " 
 
 An attorney, says an ingenious writer, is the same thing to 
 a barrister that an apothecary is to a physician, with this 
 difference, that your lawyer does not deal in scruples. 
 
 From Bonaparte's enmity to the Press, it is supposed that 
 he was a friend to Locke on the Human Understanding. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 275 
 
 PATRIOTIC REPARATION. 
 On the appointment of the Rockingham administration, 
 John Wilkes conceived that, as the minister courted popular- 
 ity, he, having been strenuous in the popular cause, might 
 command his own terms. He demanded a general pardon, 
 five thousand pounds in cash, and a pension on the Irish 
 establishment. Edmund Burke, who had been prevailed on 
 to second the application, refused to carry so presumptuous a 
 requisition to the marquis, nor "would any other person make 
 so extravagant an application. Wilkes, on the change of 
 ministry, renewed hostilities : and, in conclusion, was expelled 
 the House, sentenced to two years' imprisonment and one 
 thousand pounds' fine, and security for seven years' good 
 behavior. This was, compared with Wilkes' first view, a 
 great obliquity of prospect, indeed! 
 
 SEVERE RETORT. 
 
 Soon after Lord Sidney's elevation to the peerage, he hap- 
 pened to observe in company that authors were often very 
 ridiculous in the titles they gave. u That," said a gentleman 
 present, ' ; is an error from which even kings appear not to be 
 exempt." 
 
 Ears are the ports of entry to the soul, through which att 
 ships are more easily admitted than those laden with the 
 whispers of prudence, or the lessons of prudence and experi- 
 ence. 
 
 Henry IV., being informed that two physicians had abjured 
 their religion, said to Duplessis Morney, " Your religion, sir, 
 is in a decline, and the physicians have given it up." 
 
276 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 SYMPATHY. 
 
 The late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a 
 ditch; the next moment a young curate called out, "Lie still, 
 your grace! " leapt over him, and pursued his sport. Such 
 an apparent want of feeling, we might presume, was properly 
 resented, — not so. On being assisted to remount, the duke 
 said, " That young man shall have the first good living that 
 fallg to my disposal ; had he stopped to have taken care of 
 me, I never would have patronized him;" being delighted 
 with an ardor similar to his own, or with a spirit that would 
 not stoop to flatter. 
 
 As there is no jumping in nature, equally there is no stop 
 to it. 
 
 A distinguished teacher defines genius to be the power of 
 making efforts. 
 
 If you would keep your secret from an enemy, tell it not 
 to a friend. 
 
 It is in the garden of centralization where the venomous 
 plant of ambition thrives. 
 
 We soon forget not only our sorrows, but the lessons we 
 learned from them. 
 
 Not Unity, but Union, will and must become the watch- 
 word of national bodies. 
 
 Deference is the most complicate, the most indirect, and the 
 most elegant, of all compliments. 
 
 Our evil genius, like the junior member of a deliberative 
 body, always gives its views first. 
 
 Mother ! What comfort there is in the name which gives 
 assurance of a love that can neither change nor fail ! 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 277 
 
 BURLESQUE OF THE STYLE OF DR. JOHNSON. 
 
 SUPPOSED TO BE WRITTEN BY B. JEPHSON, ESQ. 
 
 While I was admiring the fantastical ramifications of some 
 umbelliferous plants that hung over the margin of the Liffy, 
 the fallacious bank, imperceptibly corroded by the moist tooth 
 of the fluid, gave way beneath my feet, and I was suddenly 
 submerged to some fathoms of profundity. Presence of mind, 
 in constitutions not naturally timid, is generally in proportion 
 to the imminence of the peril. Having never learned to move 
 through the water in horizontal progression, had I desponded, 
 I had perished ; but, being for a moment raised above the 
 element by my struggles, or by some felicitous casualty, I 
 was sensible of the danger, and instantly embraced the means 
 of extrication. A cow, at the moment of my lapse, had en- 
 tered the stream, within the distance of a protruded arm ; 
 and, being in the act of transverse navigation to seek the pas- 
 ture of the opposite bank, I laid hold on that part of the ani- 
 mal which is loosely pendant behind, and is formed by the 
 continuation of the vertebrae. In, this manner I was safely 
 conveyed to a fordable passage, not without some delectation 
 from the sense of the progress without effort on my part, and 
 the exhilarating approximation of more than problematical 
 deliverance. Though in some respects I resembled the pilot 
 of Gyas, Jam senior madidaqne fluens in veste, yet my 
 companions, unlike the barbarous Phrygian spectators, fore- 
 bore to acerbitate the uncouthness of embarrassment by the 
 insults of derision. Shrieks of complorance testified sorrow 
 for my submersion, and safety was rendered more pleasant by 
 the felicitations of sympathy. As the danger was over, I 
 took no umbrage at a little risibility excited by the feculence 
 of my visage, upon which the cow had discharged her gra- 
 mineous digestion in a very ludicrous abundance. About this 
 24 
 
278 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 time the bell summoned us to dinner ; and, as the cutaneous 
 contact of irrigated garments is neither pleasant nor salu- 
 brious, I was easily persuaded by the ladies to divest myself 
 of mire. Colonel Manly obligingly accommodated me with a 
 covering of camlet. I found it commodious, and more agree- 
 able than the many compressive ligaments of modern drapery. 
 That there might be no violation of decorum, I took care to 
 have the loose robe fastened before with small cylindrical 
 wires, which the dainty fingers of the ladies easily removed 
 from their dress and inserted into mine, at such proper inter- 
 vals as to leave no aperture that could awaken the suscepti- 
 bility of temperament, or provoke the cachinnations of levity. 
 
 When the Persians under Xerxes invaded Greece, their 
 haughty general sent these words to Leonidas, the commander 
 of the Grecian forces: " Surrender your arms." Leonidas 
 wrote and returned this answer on the same paper : " Come 
 and take them." 
 
 A tar, passing by one of those corners in Philadelphia 
 where idlers assemble for the benefit of the sun in cold 
 weather, observed one basking, and called out, " Hoa, brother, 
 what latitude are you in, for I observe you are taking the 
 sun?" 
 
 A certain nobleman, who had not the character of being 
 very courageous, one day asked a miser what pleasure he ex- 
 perienced in hoarding up so many guineas. "I find as many 
 charms in them," replied the miser, " as you do in wearing a 
 sword." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 279 
 
 PRESBYTERIANS PROVED TO BE CHRISTIANS. 
 
 It was once asked, "Are the Presbyterians Christians?" 
 The answer was, "Yes." "How do you make them out to 
 be Christians? " was again asked. Answer: "Because they 
 love their enemies." Question again: "Who are the ene- 
 mies they love? " Answer : " The devil, the world, and the 
 flesh." 
 
 SARCASM AT SIR GILBERT ELLIOT, OF MINTO. 
 
 A minister at a particular occurrence of Whitsuntide, 
 during the reign of Queen Anne, was preaching upon the 
 subject so commonly handled at that time, — the influence of 
 the Holy Spirit. He had, like many of his brethren and 
 party, a strong ill-will to Sir Gilbert Elliot, of Minto, who, 
 by political dexterity and great parsimony, had attained a 
 large fortune, and who must certainly be allowed to have mer- 
 ited very little friendship from the Jacobites. By way of a 
 wipe at the talents which Sir Gilbert displayed for the acqui- 
 sition of money, Calder introduced this strange expression 
 into his sermon : " I '11 tell ye what, my friends ; if the Holy 
 Spirit had consisted in gucle goolcl doubloons, it wad ha' been 
 clinking by this time in Gibbie Elliot's pouch." 
 
 lenthall, the speaker. 
 
 In the time of the Long Parliament, Sandys, a gentleman 
 of bold spirit, was examined before the House, when Lent- 
 hall, the speaker^ put some ridiculous and impertinent ques- 
 tions to him, asking, at last, what countryman he was. "Of 
 Kent," said Sandys; "and pray, may I demand the same 
 of you?" "I am out of the west," said Lenthall. "By 
 
280 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 my troth," replied Sandys, "so I thought, for all of the 
 wise men come out of the east." 
 
 "I WISH I COULD." 
 
 A gentleman travelling in a long lane, where his horse 
 could hardly get through the mire, met a peasant, of whom 
 he inquired the way to a certain place. " Straight forward," 
 said the man ; " you cannot go out of your way." " Faith, 
 I fear so," said the querist; " I wish I could." 
 
 CRIME AND PUNISHMENT. 
 
 There were two delinquents of King's College, one of 
 whom was named Payne and the other Culpepper. Payne 
 was expelled, but Culpepper escaped. Upon this, a wit wrote 
 the following very apt line : 
 
 " Pana perire potest ; Culpa perenms erit." 
 
 EXHUMATION OF THE REGICIDES. 
 
 In the crowd which attended the exhumation of Cromwell, 
 Ireton and Bradshaw, after the Restoration, some one ex- 
 claimed, "Who would have ever thought to see Cromwell 
 hanged for high treason?" " 0, sir," said another, "this 
 is nothing strange; see," he added, pointing to Bradshaw, 
 " there is a president for it." 
 
 A gentleman being once reproached for voting against his 
 conscience, "The charge is false," said he; "I never had a 
 conscience." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 281 
 
 SOME CURIOUS PARTICULARS OF SHAKSPEAPE. 
 
 "William Siiakspeare. the great poet of nature, was the 
 son of John Shakspeare. a considerable dealer in wool, and 
 was born at Stratford upon Avon, in April. 1564. At a 
 proper age he was put to a free school, where he acquired the 
 rudiments of grammar-learning. His father had no design 
 to make a scholar of him. On the contrary, he took him 
 early from school, and employed him in his own business : but 
 he did not continue long in it. for at seventeen years of age he 
 married, and commenced master of a family. In this domes- 
 tic obscurity he lived for some time. till, falling into bad 
 company, he was prevailed on to steal deer from Sir Thomas 
 Lucy's park, near Stratford; for which, being prosecuted by 
 that gentleman, he made him the subject of a ballad, which 
 was so very severe, that it heightened the prosecution against 
 him to that degree that he was obliged to shelter himself in 
 London. On his arrival, being driven by the last necessity, 
 he went to the play-house door, and picked up a little money 
 by taking care of gentlemen's horses who came to the play. 
 At length, some of the players, accidentally discoursing with 
 him. were so pleased with his conversation that they recom- 
 mended him to the house, where he was first admitted in a 
 low station : but his admirable wit. and the natural turn of 
 it to the stage, soon distinguished him, if not as an extraor- 
 dinary actor, yet as an excellent dramatic writer. 
 
 Having, by practice and observation, acquainted himself 
 with the mechanical economy of the theatre, his active genius 
 supplied the rest. But. the whole view of his first attempts 
 in stage-poetry being to procure a subsistence, he directed hi3 
 endeavors solely to hit the taste and humor that then pre- 
 vailed amongst the meaner sort of people, of whom the au- 
 dience was generally composed ; and therefore his images of 
 24 " ; 
 
282 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 life were drawn from those of that rank. Thus did Shak- 
 speare set out, without the advantage of education, the advice 
 or assistance of the learned, the patronage of the better sort, 
 or any acquaintance among them. But when his perform- 
 ances had merited the protection of his prince, and the en- 
 couragement of the court had succeeded that of the town, 
 the works of his riper years were manifestly raised above the 
 level of his former productions. 
 
 Queen Elizabeth, who showed Shakspeare many marks of 
 her favor, was so well pleased with the delightful character of 
 Falstaff, in the two parts of Henry IV., that she commanded 
 the author to continue it in one play more, and to show the 
 knight in love ; which he executed inimitably in the Merry 
 Wives of Windsor. Among his other patrons, the Earl of 
 Southampton is particularly honored by him in the dedication 
 of two poems, Venus and Adonis, and Lucrece. In the be- 
 ginning of James the First's reign, he was one of the princi- 
 pal managers of the play-house, and continued in it several 
 years afterwards ; till, having acquired such a fortune as sat- 
 isfied his moderate wishes and views in life, he quitted the 
 stage and all other business, and passed the remainder of his 
 life in an honorable ease at his native town of Stratford, 
 where he lived in a handsome house of his own building, to 
 which he gave the name of New Place. 
 
 He died on the 23d of April, 1616, in the fifty-third year 
 of his age, and was interred in the chancel of the great church 
 at Stratford, where a handsome monument was erected to 
 him. In 1740 another very noble one was raised to his 
 memory, at the public expense, in Westminster Abbey ; an 
 ample contribution for this purpose being made, upon exhibit- 
 ing Julius Caesar, at the Theatre-royal in Drury-lane, April 
 28, 1738. His dramatic writings were first published to- 
 
OXE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 283 
 
 gether in folio, in 1723 ; since which they have had many 
 editions, and have been republished with notes by Mr. Rowe, 
 Mr. Pope, Mr. Theobald, Sir Thomas Hanmer, Mr. Warbur- 
 ton, and Samuel Johnson, LL.D. 
 
 John Prentice, the grave-digger of Carnwarth, in Lan- 
 arkshire, had a pleasant equivoque, which he constantly used 
 on hearing of the death of any person. " Hech whow ! " he 
 
 would say, "is dead? I wad rather it had been other 
 
 twa." 
 
 A person once asked John Prentice if he considered him- 
 self at liberty to pray for his daily bread. ' : Dear sake, 
 sir,' 7 he answered, " the Lord's Prayer tells us that, ye ken." 
 "Ay 3 but," said the querist, " do you think you can do that, 
 consistently with the command which enjoins us to wish no 
 evil to our neighbors?" "Dear sake, sir," cried John, 
 rather puzzled, "yekenfouk maun be buriet ! " This was 
 quite natural, and very conclusive. 
 
 The grave-digger of Sorn, in Ayrshire, was as selfish and 
 mean a wretch as ever handled mattock or carried mortcloth. 
 He w T as a very querulous and discontented old man, with a 
 voice like the whistle of the wind through a key-hole on a 
 bleak Sunday afternoon in the country. An acquaintance 
 from a neighboring parish accosted him one day, and asked 
 how the world was standing with him. " 0, very puirly, 
 sir — very puirly, indeed," was the answer; "the yard has 
 dune naething ava for us this simmer. If ye like to believe 
 me, I havena buriet a leevin' soul this sax weeks ! " 
 
284 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 PASSIONS. 
 
 The fatal end of Ferrante Pallavicino (says the French 
 commentator on the Naudaeana and Partiniana) has been 
 told by many authors ; but we never met with so many par- 
 ticulars relating to it as in the following narrative, which is 
 taken from a MS. in one of the most celebrated libraries in 
 Paris, added to the close of a volume entitled " The Glory of 
 the Incognitos of Padua." It runs thus : 
 
 '• Carlo di Bresche, known in Italy by the name of Carlo 
 di Morti, was the son of a bookseller in Paris, named Pietro 
 di Bresche. He travelled in the service of a nobleman 
 through Italy ; but his master dying on the road, Carlo went 
 from Venice to Rome, where he was recommended to the Bar- 
 berini family as a man capable of undertaking any bold en- 
 terprise. No sooner was his character known than he was 
 intrusted by them with the destruction of Ferrante Pallavi- 
 cino, against whom the Barberini were highly exasperated, on 
 account of his two predictions, the i Baccinata,' and the ' Di- 
 vortio Celeste.' The price of this treacherous exploit was 
 then settled to be three thousand doubloons. Carlo, on this, 
 repaired to Venice, the asylum of Ferrante, where he con- 
 trived to insinuate himself so far into his friendship that, 
 finding him disposed to seek a refuge in France from the 
 snares which were laid for his life in Italy, he offered himself 
 as his fellow-traveller, and was accepted. They journeyed 
 together as far as Orange, a city within ten miles of Avignon ; 
 when Carlo sending an account to the vice-legate at that 
 place that the prey was in his hands, a party was sent to 
 seize them both, they were conducted to Avignon and thrown 
 into prison. Carlo, however, who had only been confined for 
 form's sake, was soon set free ; whereas Ferrante was re- 
 tained, brought to a trial, and executed. Meanwhile Carlo 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 285 
 
 returned to Rome, where he received the infamous reward of 
 his diabolical treachery, partly in pictures (which were ex- 
 posed to sale in Paris, at the Hotel de Fleury, afterwards a 
 lodging-house kept by Madam Batillon, a native of Bretagne, 
 in the Rue des Bourdonnois), and partly in ready money. 
 
 "In the interim, Cardinal Mazarin, extremely hurt at the 
 death of Pallavicino, to whom he bore much good will, 
 directed one Ganducci, an Italian, to contract an intimacy 
 with the traitor. This the emissary brought about in the 
 most cautious manner, by pretending to sell gloves, perfumes 
 and other trifles, which he bartered with Carlo for pictures 
 and other goods. Having now settled a kind of commerce 
 with him, he often went to his house, which stood in the 
 i Place Maubert; J and one morning, going at a very early 
 hour, on pretence of their common interests, he complained to 
 Carlo concerning some misconduct of his in their affairs, — 
 the which Carlo, who was then in bed, denying, the other, 
 picking a quarrel with him, darted upon him, caught him fast 
 round the body, and stabbed him in the reins with a poniard. 
 Carlo, who was stout and active, finding himself wounded, 
 grappled with the assassin, and in the scuffle they both fell to 
 the ground. The people of the house ran to the room, on 
 hearing the noise in the chamber, but could not enter, as the 
 door was locked from within. Having fetched officers of 
 justice, and broken open the door, the murder was discovered, 
 and Ganducci was led away to the little Chatelet, while Carlo 
 was expiring. 
 
 ""When the story was told to Cardinal Mazarin, he gave 
 directions to the magistrate of the police to release the pris- 
 oner, and was obeyed. Thus was the execrable villain Carlo 
 repaid for his more than inhuman treachery. " 
 
286 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 PUNCTILIO. 
 
 The students at Oxford stand much upon punctilio in the 
 matter of making acquaintance ; insomuch that one will not 
 hold the least intercourse with another, unless the proper 
 formula of introduction has been gone through. It is told, 
 as a quiz upon them for this peculiarity, that a young gen- 
 tleman who had recently entered one of the colleges happen- 
 ing to be seized with cramp while bathing in the Isis, and 
 being on the point of sinking, probably to rise no more, a 
 youth of older standing, who leaned over a bridge near the 
 scene, thus soliloquized : — "" Good God ! what a pity I was 
 not introduced to that freshman, — perhaps I might have 
 saved him." 
 
 SPUNGERS. 
 
 Words, as well as men and things, seem to fall from their 
 more dignified and valued state into " abatement and low 
 price." The name of Spunger, which at present carries with 
 it such an odious meaning, was among the ancients an honor- 
 able title. Diodorus relates that " the Celtic bards, who 
 were the poets of the ancient Gauls, followed them to war, to 
 witness and record their heroic actions, and that they were 
 called, as a mark of honor, Spungers." 
 
 CARDINAL RICHELIEU. 
 
 The cardinal intimated to the French academy his desire 
 that a dictionary of the French language should be com- 
 posed. It was submitted to his eminence that M. Vauge- 
 las was every way equal to the principal charge and concern 
 in its compilation ; but that, as an encouragement, it would 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 287 
 
 be expedient to obtain for hiin, from the king, the repayment 
 of his pension of two thousand livres, which had been dis- 
 continued. The pension was restored, and Vaugelas went 
 immediately to thank the cardinal. That minister, seeing 
 Vaugelas enter his chamber, advanced towards him, and said, 
 " Well, sir, you will at least not forget the word pension in 
 your Dictionary." "No, my lord/' replied M. Vaugelas, 
 " and still less the word gratitude." 
 
 GOING TO RAMOTH GILEAD. 
 
 A sailor, who had served the king so long at sea that he 
 almost forgot the usages of civilized society on shore, went 
 one day into the church at his native town of Kirkaldy, in 
 Fife, where it happened that the minister chose for his text 
 the well-known passage, " Who will go up with us toRamoth 
 Gilead?" This emphatic appeal being read a second time, 
 and in a still more impressive tone of voice, the thoughtless 
 tar crammed a quid of tobacco into his cheek, rose up, put 
 on his hat ; then, looking around him, and seeing nobody 
 moving, he exclaimed, " You cowardly lubbers ! will none of 
 you go with the old gentleman? I '11 go, for one." So out 
 he w r ent, giving three cheers at the door, to the amazement 
 of all present. 
 
 " Where is Mr. F. ? " inquired an old lady of us, a few 
 days since, referring to a mutual friend now travelling in 
 Europe. " 0, in some part of Austria, I believe," was the 
 reply. "Well, dear me ! " exclaimed the blessed old woman, 
 "I'm so glad he's in Austria, for then he can bring me 
 home an ostrich feather." 
 
288 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 Lord Mansfield, being willing to save a man who had 
 stolen a watch, directed the jury to bring it in value ten 
 pence. " Ten pence, my lord ! " said the prosecutor; " why, 
 the very fashion of it cost me fifty shillings." " Perhaps so,' 7 
 replied his lordship, " but we are not to hang a man for 
 fashion's sake." 
 
 TOM HOOD ON THE IRISH BOY. 
 
 Give liim a collar without a skirt 
 (That 's the Irish linen for shirt), 
 And a slice of bread, with a taste of dirt 
 
 (That 's Poverty's Irish butter), 
 And what does he lack to make him blest ? 
 Some oyster-shells, or a sparrow's nest, 
 
 A candle-end and a gutter. 
 
 As long as a man gets six dollars a week, he can live and 
 get along rather quietly and contentedly : but as soon as his 
 wages reach twelve dollars a week, he needs twenty-four, — 
 gets in debt, and " busts up," at that ! Man is a high press- 
 ure engine, — vanity's the steam, money the fuel,— apply 
 to principle, and you have the facts. Make a note on ? t ! 
 
 A Frenchman, being arraigned a few days since, at New 
 York, for stealing three bags of coffee from a vessel in East 
 Eiver, was asked by the clerk of the court if he was guilty 
 or not guilty. Pretending, however, not to understand, 
 the clerk asked him, in plain English, if he did steal the 
 coffee. To which he immediately replied, "No, sare, me 
 only sequestare de coffee." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 2S9 
 
 INJUSTICE. 
 
 A reward greatly beneath the merit is injustice. A brave 
 fellow, who had both his arms shot off in battle, was offered 
 by his colonel half a crown. "You surely think, colonel," 
 answered the soldier, with great readiness, " that I have only 
 lost a pair of gloves." The name of the generous and just 
 colonel is not recorded. General St. Clair, being told the 
 story, procured the soldier Chelsea provision, and gave him 
 half a crown a week for life. 
 
 CONFESSIONS OF A PICKPOCKET. 
 
 A celebrated pickpocket, who was lately sent to the 
 state-prison for his misdeeds, being noted for his marvellous 
 adroitness in pocket-lifting, was requested to reveal the secret 
 of his success, when the following, among other disclosures, 
 were made. We publish them, as likely to be useful to those 
 who are willing to take a hint : 
 
 " I never," said the pickpocket, " attempt the pocket of an 
 old resident of a city, but uniformly strangers and country- 
 men." But, on being asked how he distinguished them, he 
 replied, "Very easily ;" and gave the following list of persons 
 who were the regular victims of the " craft " : 
 
 " Persons in an omnibus who take out their pocket-books 
 after the stage stops are sure to be countrymen. Those who 
 stop to converse on the side-walks or in thoroughfares, or take 
 out pocket-books at the box or pit offices of theatres, or steam- 
 boat-offices. All those who stop to gaze at shop-windows, or 
 count money or show pocket-books in the street, or call in 
 at the Funk auction-rooms. All these," said he, "are our 
 common victims. If I find a man eating oysters or fruit or 
 carrying an open knife in the street, in nine times out of tea 
 25 
 
290 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 he is green, and we victimize him. Persons who stand up 
 in theatres, or stand on cross-walks, are generally country 
 folks, and we make sure of them." 
 
 The shrewdness of these observations of the pickpocket must 
 be obvious to all city people, and accounts for the remarkable 
 fact that city residents seldom suffer by the operations of these 
 light-fingered gentry. 
 
 JAMES THE FIRST. 
 
 King James the First gave all manner of liberty and 
 encouragement to the exercise of buffoonery, and he took 
 great delight in it himself. Happening once to bear some- 
 what hard on one of his Scotch courtiers, "By my saul," 
 retorted the peer, "he that made your majesty a king spoiled 
 the best fool in Christendom ! " 
 
 precedency at the gallows. 
 
 Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, 
 riding by Tyburn together, said the former, " That is a 
 very pretty tenement, if it had but a Garret." " You fool ! " 
 replied Garret; "don't you know there must be Chambers 
 first?" 
 
 GOOD ADVICE. 
 
 A forward young scholar, wishing to appear in the pul- 
 pit, consulted an elder preacher as to what text he should 
 choose. The latter, wishing him well, and knowing he was 
 too young, suggested this text: "Go to Jericho till your 
 beard be grown." The scholar, it is said, took the sage's 
 advice, and, waiting a few years, proved eventually an ex- 
 cellent preacher. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 291 
 
 THE LEAST EVIL. 
 
 One asked his friend why he married so little a wife. 
 "Why," said he, "I thought you had known that of all 
 evils we should choose the least." 
 
 MANFUL ASSISTANCE. 
 
 The master of a ship, walking about on deck, called into 
 the hold, "Who's there?" A boy answered, "Will, sir." 
 "What are you doing?" "Nothing, sir." "Is Tom 
 there?" "Yes," cried Tom. "What are you doing, 
 Tom?" " Helping Will, sir ! " 
 
 ACCUMULATION. 
 
 M. de Vandille w T as the most remarkable man at Paris, 
 on account of his extreme wealth and avarice. He had been 
 a magistrate at Boulogne. He literally adopted the old 
 maxim, that " the semina of wealth, the halfpence and pence, 
 may be compared to seconds of time, which generate years, 
 centuries, and even eternity itself." In 1735 M. de Vandille 
 possessed upwards of seven hundred thousand pounds, which he 
 had got or multiplied upon the body of a single shilling, from 
 the age of sixteen to the age of seventy-two. When, having 
 overheated himself one summer's day in carrying home a load 
 of fuel, a fever ensued, he for the first time in his life sent for 
 a surgeon to bleed him ; but, thinking his terms exorbitant, 
 he proposed terms to a common barber-surgeon, who under- 
 took a vein for three pence a time. "But," says Vandille, 
 " how often will it be requisite to bleed? " " Three times," 
 said he. "And what quantity of blood do you propose to 
 take?" "About eight ounces each time," replied the opera- 
 
292 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 tor. "That will be nine pence! too much! too much!" 
 exclaimed old Vandille. " I have determined to go a cheaper 
 way to work ; take the whole quantity at once that you pro- 
 pose to take at three times, and that will save me six pence. 7 ' 
 This being insisted on, he lost twenty-four ounces of blood, 
 and also, by this unprecedented stretch of parsimony, his life. 
 He left his vast treasures to the king, whom he appointed his 
 sole heir. 
 
 THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH. 
 
 Watteau, a celebrated Dutch painter, is said in his last 
 moments to have given a strong testimony of his affection to 
 his art. A priest who attended him offering him a crucifix 
 to kiss which was extremely ill-painted, " For God's sake, 
 father," said the dying man, " remove it from me; the sight 
 of it shocks me ! " 
 
 COMPLIMENT WORTHY OE AN EMPEROR. 
 
 The Emperor Charles V. frequently supplied the inimi- 
 table painter, Titian, with considerable sums of money, signi- 
 fying upon these occasions " that he did not mean to pay him 
 the value of his pictures, because they were above all price." 
 
 THE RIGHT OF DISCOVERY. 
 
 A gentleman praising the personal charms of a very plain 
 woman before Foote, the latter whispered him, "And why 
 don't you lay claim to such an accomplished beauty?" 
 "What right have I to her?" replied the other. "Every 
 right, by the law of nations, as the first discoverer," said 
 Foote. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 293 
 
 A gentleman, in complimenting a great poet of his ac- 
 quaintance, said that he "had climbed Mount Parnassus with 
 a ladder, and, when he had ascended, he drew it up after 
 him.*' 
 
 It is said of the celebrated Dr. Radcliffe, that he was not 
 in the habit of paying his bills without much following and 
 importunity ; nor then, if any chance appeared of wearying 
 out the patience of his creditors. A paver, after long and 
 fruitless attempts, caught him just getting out of his chariot 
 at his own door at Bloomsbury-square, and set upon him. 
 " Why, you rascal ! " said the doctor ; " do you pretend to be 
 paid for such a piece of work ? Why, you spoiled my pave- 
 ment, and then covered it over with earth to hide your bad 
 work.'' " Doctor," said the paver, " mine is not the only 
 piece of bad work that the earth hides." " You dog, you ! " 
 said the doctor ; " are you a wit ? Well, you must be poor ; 
 come in." The man was paid. 
 
 Uneasy and ambitious gentility is always spurious. The 
 garment which one has long worn never sits uncomfortable. 
 
 The stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lopping our 
 desires is like cutting off our feet when we ivant shoes. 
 
 Ambition often puts men upon doing the meanest offices ; 
 so climbing is performed in the same posture as creeping. 
 
 " Where are you going?" asked an old gentleman of a 
 little boy who had just completed his tenth year. "Why, 
 into my eleventh year," he replied. 
 25* 
 
294 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 DUKE OF ARGYLL. 
 
 John, Duke of Argyll, having been with some ladies in 
 the opera-house in London, an English squire, puffing, blow- 
 ing and sweating, entered the box in which they were seated, 
 with his hunting-boots on, and whip in hand. The duke 
 instantly rose up, and, making a low bow, exclaimed, " Sir, 
 I am very much obliged to you l v " ! why ? — how ? — 
 for what? " ll For not bringing your horse here ! " 
 
 AMOR PATRLE. 
 
 A gentleman from the Highlands of Scotland, attended 
 by his trusty servant Donald, a native of the wild and moun- 
 tainous district of Lochaber, in Inverness-shire, when travel- 
 ling through the fertile and delightful plains of Italy, asked 
 Donald what he would do if he possessed an estate there. 
 Donald instantly replied, " Please your honor, I would sell 
 him, and buy an estate in Lochaber ! " 
 
 POOR MAN OF MUTTON. 
 
 A leg of mutton in its last stage of scraggism is sometimes 
 ■ (in Scotland) devilled, or otherwise prepared for the table, 
 and then bears the familiar title of * : a poor man of mutton," 
 or, more briefly, "a poor man." It is related by Dr. Jame- 
 son, in his dictionary, that a Scotch nobleman entering an inn 
 at London, after a long journey, and being asked by the land- 
 lord what he would please to have, answered, with a yawn, 
 " I dare say I could take a bit of a poor man." "A bit of 
 what?" inquired the landlord. U A bit of a poor man," 
 repeated his lordship. " The Lord have a care of my poor 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 295 
 
 soul ! " cried mine host, and made but one step from the top 
 of the stairs to the bottom ; nor could he be prevailed upon, 
 till the phrase was explained by the nobleman's valet, to make 
 his appearance again in the parlor. 
 
 CROSS ANSWERS. 
 
 A prisoner being brought up to Bow-street, the following 
 dialogue passed between him and the sitting magistrate : 
 " How do you live V s " Pretty well, sir ; generally a joint 
 and pudding at dinner." " I mean, sir, how do you get your 
 bread?" "I beg your worship's pardon; sometimes at the 
 baker's, and sometimes at the chandler's shop." "You may 
 be as witty as you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you, 
 How do you do?" " Tolerable well, I thank your worship; 
 I hope your worship is well." 
 
 SINGULAR ESCAPE. 
 
 FROM A DESCRIPTION OF THE ISLAND OF ST. HELENA. 
 
 The author, describing a high, steep promontory, called 
 Ladder Hill, the height of which cannot be much less than 
 eight hundred feet, relates an extraordinary accident which 
 happened to a Dutch sailor in 1759, the truth of which was 
 attested by many people on the island. This man, coming 
 out of the country after dark, and being in liquor, mistook 
 the path then in use, and turned to the left instead of the 
 right. He continued his journey with great difficulty, till, 
 finding the descent no longer practicable, he took up his resi- 
 dence for the night in a small chink of the rock, and fell 
 asleep. Late in the morning he waked ; and what were his 
 horror and astonishment to find himself on the brink of a 
 
296 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 precipice a hundred fathoms deep ! He attempted to return 
 back, but found it impossible to climb the crags he had de- 
 scended. After having passed several hours in this dreadful 
 situation, he discovered some boys on the beach at the foot of 
 the precipice, bathing in the sea. Hope of relief made him 
 exert his voice to the utmost ; but he had the mortification to 
 find that the distance prevented his being heard. He then 
 threw one of his shoes towards them, but it unfortunately fell 
 without being perceived ; he threw the other, and was more 
 fortunate, for it fell at the feet of one of the boys just coming 
 out of the water. The youth looked up, and, with great sur- 
 prise, saw the poor Dutchman waving his hat and making 
 other signs of distress. They hastened to the town, and, 
 telling what they had seen, great numbers of people ran to 
 the heights overhead, from whence they could see the man, 
 but were nevertheless puzzled how to save him. At last a 
 coil of strong rope was procured, and, one end being fastened 
 above, the other was veered down over the place where he 
 stood. The sailor instantly laid hold of it, and, with an 
 agility peculiar to people of his profession, in a little time 
 gained the summit. As soon as he found himself safe, he 
 produced an instance of provident thriftiness truly Dutch, by 
 pulling out of his bosom a China punch-bowl, which in all his 
 drunkenness and distress he had taken care to preserve un- 
 broken ; choosing rather to part with shoes than his bowl, 
 though the latter must have alarmed the children at once by 
 its noise, and the shoes must have left him to starve, if they 
 had not fallen in sight. 
 
 Lord Kenyon told a witness, angrily, that he would 
 commit him. " I hope," answered he, "that your lordship 
 will not commit yourself." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 297 
 
 ROGUES OUT, ROGUES IN ; A TOUCH AT THE BANKS. 
 
 " Friend in the grogram gown, with staff and spear, 
 
 "What is your business, what your duty here ? " 
 " To watch the bank." — " The bank ? why, tell me, pray ; 
 
 Think you the bank is like to run away ? ' ' 
 " No, no ! but rogues and thieves — those wicked chaps — 
 
 Might break the locks and doors, and steal, perhaps ; 
 
 And I am paid for standing here all night 
 
 To catch or fright them, and to keep all right." 
 " Well, since you 're paid for watchman, stand thy post, 
 
 And see no stiver of the cash is lost ; 
 
 At the same time, permit me, friend, to doubt 
 
 Such mighty dangers from the rogues without : 
 
 I ? d think the money better far applied, 
 
 If you were paid for catching rogues inside." 
 
 CHARLES THE SECOND'S POCKETS. 
 
 No prince was more addressed than Charles II. ; while the 
 very people who sent these generous, nay, extravagant offers, 
 scarcely allowed him the necessary supplies. Killigrew saw 
 this in the proper view, and once gave private orders to the 
 king's tailor to make one of his majesty's coat-pockets of a 
 most enormous size, and the other scarcely larger than a 
 thimble. The kin^. beino- informed that this was done at the 
 desire of Killigrew, asked him the reason. " May it please 
 your majesty,'"* replied the arch wag, r ' the large pocket is to 
 receive the addresses of your subjects, and the other is to 
 put the money in which they intend to present you with. 7 ' 
 
 Theodore Hook used to say that nothing changed so 
 much in the course of a hundred years as a snuff-box, for it 
 then became a sent ry '-box. 
 
298 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A DIRTY WITNESS. 
 A German gentleman, in the course of a strict cross- 
 examination on a trial during the Oxford Circuit, was asked 
 to state the exact age of the defendant. " Dirty," (thirty) 
 was the reply. " And pray, sir, are you his senior, and by 
 how many years ? " " Why, sir, I am dirty-two" 
 
 HARPIANA. 
 The Bonnet-rouge, or Red-cap, was much venerated at the 
 beginning of the French subversion. La Harpe, one day 
 haranguing, said, "It is asserted that the Red-cap consoli- 
 dates Republican Heads ; I declare that it almost melts 
 mine" and so saying, he threw it among his auditors. This 
 cap, like all its similars, has had its rage ; but it has melted 
 matters much harder and thicker than even the skull of M. 
 la Harpe, President of the Section of Pikes ! 
 
 A family of rank paid a visit to a manse, some in a 
 jaunting-car, some on horseback, and the younger branches, 
 with the governess, whose surname was Wright, in a cart. 
 When they were going away, the minister, -without waiting 
 till a chair was brought, or the cart-door taken off, lifted the 
 young ladies in his arms, and put them into the cart. The 
 governess declared she would not be lifted in that manner. 
 He took her up and placed her in the cart beside her pupils, 
 saying, "Madam, might overcomes Wright." 
 
 Punch asks, "Why is the man who does not bet as bad 
 as a man who does ? Because he is no better." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 299 
 
 SOLD. 
 
 An officer was recently sold in Providence by a limb of the 
 law. The officer, desirous of fees, had heard that the lawyer 
 had lost some article, and went to him with an inquiry as to 
 the fact. The lawyer answering in the affirmative, the officer 
 commenced filling out a blank search-warrant, and finally 
 came to the place where it was necessary to specify the article 
 lost, which the lawyer stated to be an important suit at the 
 Court of Common Pleas. The officer sloped. 
 
 THE BLIND AND THE BLIND. 
 
 A gentleman disputing about religion in Button's coffee- 
 house, one of the company said, " You talk of religion; I'll 
 hold you five guineas you can't repeat the Lord's Prayer ; 
 Sir Richard Steele, here, shall hold stakes." The money 
 being deposited, the gentleman began, "I believe in God," 
 and so went through his Creed. "Well," said the other, 
 " I own I have lost it ; but did not think you could have done 
 it." 
 
 BEN JONSON. 
 
 Lord Craven, in King James the First's reign, was very 
 desirous to see Ben Jonson ; which being told to Ben, he 
 went to my lord's house ; but, being in a very shabby condi- 
 tion, the porter refused him admittance, with some saucy 
 language, which the other did not fail to return. My lord, 
 happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the 
 occasion of it. Ben, who stood in need of nobody to speak 
 for him, said, "He understood his lordship desired to see 
 him." "You, friend!" said my lord; "who are you?" 
 "Ben Jonson," replied the other. "No, no," quoth his 
 
300 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 lordship, "you cannot be Ben Jonson, who wrote the Silent 
 Woman ; you look as if you could not say Boo to a goose." 
 " Boo ! " cried Ben. " Very well," said rny lord, who was 
 more pleased at the joke than offended at the affront ; " I am 
 now convinced you are Ben Jonson." 
 
 A WHOLE DAY TO OURSELVES. 
 The President Allout and Madame Defand were both 
 complaining, one day, of the continual interruptions they met 
 with from the society in which they lived. "How happy 
 should we be," said the lady, "to have a whole day to our- 
 selves !" They agreed to try whether this was not possible, 
 and at last found a small apartment in the Tuilleries, belong- 
 ing to a friend, which was unoccupied, and where they 
 proposed to meet. They arrived, accordingly, in separate 
 conveyances, about eleven in the forenoon, appointed their 
 carriages to return at twelve at night, and ordered dinner 
 from a fautilue. The morning was passed entirely to the 
 satisfaction of both, in the effusions of love and friendship. 
 " If every day," said the one to the other, " were to be like 
 this, life would be too short." Dinner came, and before four 
 o'clock sentiment had given place to gayety and wit. About 
 six the lady looked at the clock. "They play Athaline to- 
 night," said she, " and the new actress is to make her appear- 
 ance." " I confess,"* said the president, " that if I were not 
 here, I should regret not seeing her." "Take care, president ! " 
 said the lady ; " what you say is really an expression of regret ; 
 if you had been as happy as you profess to be, you would not 
 have thought of the possibility of being at the representation 
 of Athaline." The president vindicated himself, and ended 
 with saying, " Js it for you to complain, when you were the 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 301 
 
 first to look at the clock, and to remark that Athaline was to 
 be acted to-night? There is no clock for those that are 
 happy. " The dispute grew warm, they became more and 
 more out of humor, and by seven they wished most earnestly 
 to separate. That was impossible. " ! " said the lady, " I 
 cannot stay here till twelve. Five hours longer ! What a 
 punishment ! " There was a screen in the room. The lady 
 seated herself behind it, and left the rest of the room to the 
 president. The president, piqued at it, takes a pen and writes 
 a note full of reproaches, and throws it over the screen. The 
 lady picks up the note, and writes an answer in the sharpest 
 terms. At last twelve o'clock arrived, and each hurried off 
 separately, fully resolved never to try the experiment again. 
 
 LEARNING AND PARTS REWARDED. 
 
 The remuneration for Dr. Johnson's Dictionary was inade- 
 quate to his performance. So far from relieving him from 
 his embarrassments, he was, shortly after its completion, 
 arrested for five guineas, which sum was discharged by his 
 friend, Samuel Richardson, the Quaker, and author of 
 Clarissa, Grandison, &c. The king, in 1762, settled three 
 hundred pounds per annum on Johnson, without any stipula- 
 tion as to future literary exertions. 
 
 A band of young empty divinity-students paid a visit to a 
 manse; a flock of turkeys followed them to the door. " Sir," 
 says one of the probationers, " do you allow the turkeys to 
 come into your house ? " " Sometimes," replied the minister ; 
 '•but I will not permit them at this time, for I never suffer 
 turkeys and geese to enter at the same time." 
 26 
 
302 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ROYAL CONVERSATION. 
 
 Dr. Samuel Johnson had the honor of a conversation 
 with his majesty, in the library of Buckingham House, in 
 February, 1765, when his majesty asked him if he intended 
 to publish any more works. The doctor answered that he 
 thought he had written enough. "I should think so too," 
 said the king, " if you had not written so well." 
 
 Mr. Pitt having made a moving speech in the House of 
 Commons on the subject of the French invasion, the minister 
 remarked, in a large dinner-party which happened soon after, 
 that it was very right in the premier to alarm us. "How 
 so?" was universally asked. "Why, our whole safety lies 
 in our being all-armed, ." 
 
 During the time Sir Thomas More was Lord Chancellor 
 of England, he used to send his gentleman usher to his wife's 
 pew to tell her that he was gone ; but the next Sunday after 
 he had given up the chancellorship he came himself to her 
 pew, and used the words of his gentleman usher, "Madam, 
 his lordship is gone." 
 
 A young minister, soon after he was licensed to preach, 
 received a letter from a reverend doctor, requesting him to fill 
 his pulpit on the ensuing Sabbath, as he (the doctor) was to 
 be from home. He went, accordingly, and spent a most 
 pleasant Saturday evening at the manse. After service, on 
 Sunday, he dined solus cum sola^ the doctor's lady and he 
 being all the party. The lady was most attentive to the 
 young stranger guest ; and what with carving, and what with 
 
0XE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 303 
 
 pressing him to enjoy the good things set before him, she 
 continued eating after he had finished his meal. The lady 
 said, ;; Sir, I am ashamed to take my dinner before you.*'' 
 ••Madam." quoth he. " I think you are rather dining after 
 
 me 
 
 i •• 
 
 SUBLIME AND BEAUTIFUL. 
 
 Mr. Burke's work on this subject unites Longinus and 
 Aristotle. Burke is a philosophian anatomist of the human 
 mind. Mr. Addison, in his Spectator, describes grandeur and 
 beauty, but does not analyze either. Mr. Burke's system, in 
 many respects, concurs with that of Hutchinson, who placed 
 beauty in uniformity, mingled with variety, although he 
 dwells more on the latter than the former. It coincides with 
 Hogarth's Analysis of Beauty. Johnson said of it, "We 
 have an example of true criticism in Burke's Essay. There 
 is no great merit in showing how many plays have ghosts in 
 them, or how this ghost is better than that : you must show 
 how terror is impressed on the human heart." On perusing 
 Burke's book, his father was so enraptured as to send him a 
 remittance of one hundred pounds, from him a considerable 
 sum. This publication is a grand epoch in the literary his- 
 tory of Burke. In consequence of this manifestation of his 
 intellectual powers, men of distinguished merit courted his 
 acquaintance. 
 
 GLASSES. 
 
 •'• Do you suppose that a person can see better by the aid 
 of glasses V : said a man in company. " I knpw he can,'* said 
 a toper, " for, after I have taken a dozen glasses, I can see 
 double/' 
 
304 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A CRACKED HEAD. 
 
 An Irish servant-lad going along a passage, and singing 
 rather inharmoniously, was asked by his master what horrid 
 noise he was making. "I have not made any noise, sir," 
 he replied. " Why, you were singing, and a confounded noise 
 it was." " 0, perhaps it was the singing in my ears your 
 honor heard ! " This reminds us of the dialogue between 
 twa meenesters of the gude kirk of Scotland. One com- 
 plained he had got a ringing in his head. "Do ye ken the 
 reason o' that?" asked his worthy crony. " Na." "I'll 
 tell ye ; it 's because it 's empty ! " " And have ye never a 
 ringing in your head?" quoth the other. "Na, never!" 
 " And do ye ken the reason ? It 's because it 's cracked ! " 
 was the retort ; and the truth was not very far off. 
 
 YANKEE INGENUITY. 
 
 " Shan't I see you hum from singin-skul to-night, Jeru- 
 shy ? " " No, you shan't do no such thing ! I don't want 
 you nor your company, Eeuben." " P'raps you didn't ex- 
 actly understand what I said?" "Yes I did. You asked 
 me if you mightn't see me hum." " Woy, no I didn't,— I 
 only asked how your marm was ! " 
 
 A certain trading justice, notorious for his professional 
 ingenuity, some time since employed a poor man to saw a 
 load of wood, for which he agreed to give him eighteen pence. 
 The man, in order to be more expeditious in the business, 
 stripped off his coat, and laid it in the street. After finishing 
 the job, he found, to his surprise, that the coat had vanished, 
 and asked the justice, who had been at the door nearly the 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 305 
 
 whole time, if he had seen anything of it. The worthy 
 magistrate replied he had found a coat in the street, and, pro- 
 ducing it. desired to know if he could swear to the property. 
 On the poor man's answering in the affirmative, he proceeded 
 to administer the oath : after which, on restoring the coat, 
 he shrewdly observed to the poor fellow that they were now 
 clear of each other, the price of the work being eighteen 
 pence, and his fees amounting to the same. 
 
 A Yankee tar was once in York, England : he was some- 
 what deformed by having a large bunch on his back. An 
 Englishman that saw him thought he would have a joke with 
 the Yankee, and said, ""What in the deuce is that hump on 
 your back? " " Bunker Hill," promptly replied the Yankee. 
 
 EARLY RISING. 
 
 A father, chiding his son for not leaving his bed at an 
 earlier hour, told him, as an inducement, that a certain man, 
 being up betimes, found a purse of gold. r - It might be so," 
 replied the son, " but he that lost it was up before him." 
 
 A SAW being stolen from the carpenter of an Indiaman, 
 suspicions fell thick upon the captain's negro-boy, who, on 
 being taxed with the theft, roundly denied the charge. The 
 captain, however, being in his own mind convinced of his 
 guilt, ordered him a flogging : which being over, blackee 
 determined to watch the carpenter, who, not being satisfied 
 either with the loss of the saw or the flogging of the boy, 
 said to one of his messmates, a few days after, u D — n this 
 26* 
 
306 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 saw; it sticks in my gizzard now !" The poor boy, overhear- 
 ing him, flew with rapture to the captain, and exclaimed, 
 " ! massa, massa, the carpenter find him saw." " Where?" 
 demanded the captain. " ! massa, him find it, this very 
 minute, in him gezard! " 
 
 A minister and church- warden were talking of the dis- 
 solution of the sexton. " I know but one way of making 
 him think of his latter end," said the minister, " and that is 
 to make him toll the funeral bell." " Ay, sure enough," 
 replied the warden ; "he would constantly have a rope then 
 before his eyes." 
 
 A BACHELOR'S SOLILOQUY. 
 
 To have a wife, or not, that is the question ; 
 
 Whether it is wiser in a man to suffer 
 
 The stings and arrows of outrageous ridicule, 
 
 Or court a girl, or marry her straightway, 
 
 And put the damper upon such 
 
 Miserable meddling ? 
 
 A bachelor ! what do I resemble ? 
 
 A link lost from a golden chain ! 
 
 A costly gem in an old castle hid, 
 
 Whose beauty dazzles when we raise the lid ; 
 
 A sum whose value none could ever prove ; 
 
 A counterfeit upon the bank of love ! 
 
 Ajid such am I ; but am I to remain so, 
 
 Shunned by the married, laughed at by the single, 
 
 My once luxuriant locks becoming gray, 
 
 With none to love, or love me, save my dog ? 
 
 Forbid it, powers who rule o'er mortal love ! 
 
 Rich in houses, lands, the things to sweeten life, 
 
 I '11 not sit down in mean, inglorious content, 
 
 Without one great effort to secure " Heaven's 
 
 Last, best gift to man," — a Wife. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 307 
 
 AT YOUR SERVICE. 
 
 The late Sir Fletcher Norton was in his character of a 
 counsellor rather coarse. He once examined Mr. Alderman 
 Shakspeare as a witness, and, in the course of his examina- 
 tion, said, in a rude way, '-'And pray, what trade are you, 
 friend?" "A ropemaker, at your service" replied the 
 alderman. 
 
 WIT AND THE OPPOSITE. 
 
 Dryden and Otway lived opposite to each other, in Queen- 
 street. Otway, coming one night from the tavern, chalked 
 upon Dryden's door, "Here lives John Dryden; he is a 
 wit" Dryden knew his hand- writing, and next clay chalked 
 on Otway 's door, "Here lives Tom Otway; he is opposite" 
 
 PURGATORY. 
 
 " With regard to purgatory," says an old popish writer, 
 " with regard to purgatory I will not say a great deal; but 
 this much I think ', that the Protestants may go further and 
 fare worse." 
 
 GREED IN LETTERS. 
 
 It being proved, on a trial at Guildhall, that a man's name 
 was really Inch, who pretended that it was Linch, "I see," 
 said the judge, " the old proverb is verified in this man, who, 
 being allowed an Inch, has taken an LP 
 
 The Mareschal of Toiras having made every necessary 
 regulation for an approaching battle, an officer asked leave of 
 
308 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 absence, that he might go to receive his father's blessing, who, 
 he said, was at the point of death. The niareschal, who sus- 
 pected the cause of his retreat, answered him thus: " Go, 
 honor thy father and mother, that thy days may be prolonged 
 unto thee." 
 
 POTATOES. 
 
 Harry Prentice was the first who introduced the culture 
 of potatoes into England. In the year 1784 he sunk one 
 hundred and forty pounds with the managers of the Canon- 
 gate poor-house, for a weekly subsistence of seven shillings, 
 and afterwards made several small donations to that charity. 
 
 This man'£ coffin, for which he paid two guineas, with the 
 year of his birth (1703) on it, had hung nine years in his 
 house ; and he had the undertaker's written obligation to 
 screw him down with his own hands, gratis. 
 
 " John," inquired a domine of a hopeful pupil, " tell me 
 what is a nailer." "A man that makes nails," said John. 
 " Very good. What is a tailor? " " One who makes tails." 
 "0, you stupid fellow ! " said the domine, biting his lips ; 
 " U man who makes tails ? " " Yes, master," returned John, 
 "if the tailor did not put tails to the coats he made, they 
 would be all jackets." "Sit down, John; you're an 
 honor to your maternal relative in consanguinity." " Thank 
 you, sir ; my mother always said I would be worth some- 
 thing." 
 
 "Well, Mr. , you have a fine stand for business." 
 
 "Hem! yes, you may well say that; it is one very fine 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 309 
 
 stand, for no customers come to make me move, all day.' " I 
 suppose, sir, you mean to say the times are hard 7 " u Cer- 
 tainly I do," replied the storekeeper, with care depicted on 
 his countenance; " the times are hard, and the world harder, 
 and I fear that very few will get out of it alive." 
 
 TO BEE, OR NOT TO BEE. 
 
 An humble-bee be-ing attracted by the odoriferous blos- 
 soms on the nose of a toper, alighted thereon for the purpose 
 of levying his contribution ; when the individual, not liking to 
 part with its sweets, clapped his hands over it in a killing 
 humor, exclaiming, with Hamlet, " To be, or not to be ! " 
 
 BARTER. 
 
 "D'Avila, the celebrated writer and soldier, relates that 
 '•'at the time of the League, when Paris was besieged, the 
 inhabitants trucked over the walls a girl for a sirloin of beef." 
 The late Lord Orford very justly observes, "The French 
 civil wars often display witP His lordship might have 
 added "gallantry " as his favorite Sully attests in many 
 places. 
 
 LOUIS xvr. 
 
 Amongst other circumstances related of this prince during 
 his stay in the Temple, Clery, his valet-de-chambre, mentions 
 that he saw, with great calmness, all his decorations, even 
 his knife, taken from him ; but he was very much affected 
 when they carried off his fire-shovel, and did not conceal his 
 anger. 
 
310 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE. 
 
 An eminent counsellor asked M. Langlois why he so 
 often undertook bad causes. " Sir," answered the lawyer, 
 " I have lost so many good ones, that I am quite at a loss 
 which to take." 
 
 THE BEATITUDES. 
 
 A preacher, discoursing on the eight beatitudes, made a 
 very long and tedious sermon. A lady pretending that he had 
 forgotten one state of bliss, the preacher contended that he 
 had not omitted one; when the lady said to him " You did 
 not say, Happy are those who do not hear my sermon." 
 
 DECLARATION OF LOVE. 
 
 Eabelais, the facetious divine, laid a wager that he would 
 make a declaration of love in the pulpit ; accordingly, he took 
 these words for his text, from the Canticles : " It is for you, 
 woman, that I die." 
 
 GALLANTRY AND INGENUITY. 
 
 Of all the declarations of love, the most admirable was 
 .that which a gentleman made to a young lady, who asked him 
 to show her his mistress, when he immediately presented her 
 with a mirror. 
 
 GOOD SUBSTITUTE FOR LAW. 
 
 "I defy you," said a stubborn culprit to a justice during 
 the civil war; "there is no law now." "Then," said the 
 justice gravely to his servants, " if there be no law, bring me 
 a rope." The knave instantly knocked under. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 311 
 
 FEAST OR FAMINE. 
 
 Palaprat was a poet and a wit of the Augustan age in 
 France (Louis XIV.). He lived in the temple with the 
 Grand Prior (the Duke of Yendome), where sometimes he had 
 the most sumptuous repasts, and at other times had no dinner 
 at all. Palaprat observed, on this, that " In that house he 
 should die either of indigestion or inanition." 
 
 ONE TOO MANY. 
 
 M. de Yendome found Palaprat one day beating his ser- 
 vant, for which he reproached him warmly. " How, sir, you 
 blame me ? " said the poet ; " but know that, although I have 
 but one servant. I am as ill attended as you are, who have 
 
 thirty." 
 
 VERACITY. 
 
 Palaprat was secretary to the Duke of Yendome, with 
 whom he lived on the most free terms. M. Catinat, who had 
 the greatest esteem for him. said to him one day, in embracing 
 him, " The freedom with which you let the Grand Prior know 
 your opinion upon all occasions makes me tremble for you." 
 "Be assured, my friend," replied Palaprat, pleasantly, "it 
 is my wages ; his great mind loves truth/' 
 
 *COPY OF AN ADVERTISEMENT IN A DIURNAL PRINT. 
 
 CHALLENGE. 
 
 I, Elizabeth Wilkinson, of Clerkenwell, having had 
 some words with Hannah Hyfield, and requiring satisfaction, 
 do invite her to meet me on the stage, and box me for three 
 guineas, each woman holding half a crown in each hand, and 
 
312 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 the first woman that drops the money to lose the battle. She 
 shall have rare sport. 
 
 ANSWER. 
 
 I, Hannah Hy field, of Newgate Market, hearing of the 
 resoluteness of Elizabeth Wilkinson, will not fail, God wil- 
 ling, to give her more blows than words. Desiring home- 
 blows, and from her no favor, she may expect a good thump- 
 ing. 
 
 COUNSELLOR HARWARD. 
 Many anecdotes are related of this distinguished barrister. 
 A lady, born in the bosom of coquetry, went to him for the 
 purpose of recommending a case of law to his management. 
 She was ascending a private staircase which led to his 
 library. The servant wished to prevent her going up that 
 staircase, upon which she exclaimed to the counsellor, who 
 said to her, " Excuse him, madam; for if he forbid you to 
 go up my private staircase, he certainly did not know you." 
 
 NOBLE SENSE OF DUTY. 
 Rotrou was invested with the magistracy of the town of 
 Dreux at a time when it was afflicted with an epidemic dis- 
 ease. Urged by his Paris friends to save his own life by 
 quitting so dangerous a situation, he answered that neither 
 honor, conscience nor humanity, woulcf allow him to follow 
 this advice, because, under such circumstances, none but him- 
 self could preserve the good order of the place. He finished 
 his letter in these words : " It is not that the peril in which 
 I find myself is not very great, since, at the moment I am 
 writing this, the bell tolls for the twenty-second person who 
 has been buried to-day ; my turn will come when it pleases 
 God." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 813 
 
 EMIGRATION. 
 
 Or all the emigrants. Abbe Maury appears to have had, 
 exclusively, understanding or good fortune. It was he, how- 
 ever, who put into the heads of the nobles the system of 
 emigration the most extravLgant, the most impolitic, the most 
 cowardly. It was in consequence of the Abbe Maury's doc- 
 uments that the royal family set off in disguise for the fron- 
 tier. It is said that the eventual detention of the royal fugi- 
 tives was owing to the king's stopping on the road to dine ; 
 that he was famished on cutlets, and ate like a carman ! In 
 vain did the queen beseech him to adjourn his appetite. He 
 arrived too late for the rendezvous of the Marquis de Bouille 
 and his regiment. Six men stopped the carriage, and he 
 was the first to cry out " Stop ! " It is curious enough that 
 the old aunts of the king, as if inspired with the spirit of 
 divination, insisted so much on leaving France, that at length 
 they accomplished their purpose. They, too, were arrested, 
 but they found the means of getting forward. 
 
 THE GOOD OLD "LAPSUS LINGILE." 
 
 A gentleman's servant bringing into the dining-room, 
 where the company were all assembled, a nice roasted tongue, 
 tripped as he entered the door, and spread the tongue and 
 sauce on the carpet. The landlord, with much presence of 
 mind, soon relieved the embarrassment of his guests, as well 
 as of the servant, by saying, with great good humor, " There's 
 no harm done, gentlemen; His merely a lapsus Unguce" 
 This fortunate play of words excited much merriment. A 
 very sagacious gentleman, struck with the happy effect of the 
 above accident, was determined to make a similar exhibition. 
 He invited a large party, and, when they were all assembled, 
 27 
 
314 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 he had directed his servant to let fall a piece of roast beef on 
 the floor. The servant obeyed his injunctions ; but the com- 
 pany felt hurt at the accident. " Be not uneasy, my friends," 
 cried the would-be witty landlord; "'tis only a lapsus lin- 
 
 THE FAST-DAY. 
 
 A gentleman who employs a great number of hands in 
 a manufactory in the west of England, in order to encourage 
 his work-people in a due attendance at church on a fast-day, 
 told them that if they went to church they would receive 
 their wages for that day, in the same manner as if they had 
 been at work. Upon which a deputation was appointed to 
 acquaint their employer that, " if he would pay them for over 
 hours ) they would attend likewise at the Methodist chapel in 
 the evening ! " 
 
 CONTEMPT OF HANOVER. 
 
 The smallness and unimportance of George the First's 
 paternal dominions, as compared with the great empire to 
 which he acceded, was an unfailing subject of ridicule with 
 the Jacobites. They actually appear to have considered Han- 
 over as little better than what their songs metaphorically rep- 
 resent it to have been, — a mere farm, or lairdship. The late 
 Mr. Moir, of Leckie, in Stirlingshire, an enthusiastic Jaco- 
 bite, and who had succeeded to that estate by marriage, used 
 to take a most ingenious way of expressing his contempt for 
 the Electorate. In showing his grounds to people of his own 
 way of thinking, he used to point out, from a prominent situ- 
 ation, a little farm at the distance of several miles, which had 
 formed his patrimony, and from which he had removed on his 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 315 
 
 marriage with the heiress of Leckie. '-'Now, gentlemen/' 
 he would say, ''these lands which you have just seen form 
 my chief dominions. Yon wee bit over bye, that ye can 
 scarcely see, it 's sae little, — yon is my Hanover.''' 
 
 This contempt of Hanover amounted, in some individuals, 
 to a perfect loathing or horror for the very word ; and some 
 amusing anecdotes are told of their irritability on this partic- 
 ular. In the house of a Jacobite family in Fife the conver- 
 sation turned one night on a strange deformed dwarf which 
 was then exhibited at Edinburgh, and which was said to have 
 come from Germany. " Whaur did ye say it comes frae?" 
 cried a deaf old gentlewoman, of peculiarly acrimonious feel- 
 ings, who had heard the conversation but imperfectly, but 
 whose ears were startled at a word which suggested so many 
 disagreeable associations. The word was repeated to her by 
 some person present; on which her face darkened into a 
 frown of horror and disgust, and she turned away, exclaim- 
 ing, " Germany! I daur say that's the native kintra of a' 
 kinds o' monsters." ' 
 
 STRICT JUSTICE IN OLIVER CROMWELL. 
 
 Don Pantaleon de Saa, brother to the Portuguese am- 
 bassador, being full of his own exploits as a soldier, and of 
 his high quality, resented an affront which he imagined had 
 been offered him at the Royal Exchange, by ordering his ser- 
 vants to his assistance ; and, after wounding several persons, 
 Mr. Jjrreenway, an English gentleman, who was innocent of 
 the fact, was shot dead. After the commitment of the mur- 
 der, the Portuguese thought to elude the ordinary officers of 
 justice by returning to and barricading themselves in the 
 Portuguese ambassador's house, which they threatened to 
 defend against all attempts to take them ; but the fact being 
 
316 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 notorious, Colonel Whaley invested the house by a party of 
 horse. Upon this, the ambassador ordered his domestics to 
 their arms, and sent to complain to Cromwell of the breach 
 of the law of nations. Cromwell, with great magnanimity, 
 answered that justice must be done, and that blood must be 
 satisfied with blood. All the foreign ambassadors in and 
 about London interested themselves in the matter, not being 
 able to conceive that a man of quality, an ambassador's 
 brother, and a knight of Malta, ought to be questioned for 
 the murder of a mechanic, — for so they esteemed an English 
 gentleman to be ; but all remonstrances to Cromwell were 
 ineffectual, and the ambassador's brother was tried, con- 
 demned, and publicly executed, for the murder. 
 
 "Mr. Temple Stanton," says Dr. Birch, "on some exi- 
 gency, borrowed a sum of money of Mr. Addison, with whom 
 he lived on terms of intimacy and friendship, conversing on 
 all subjects with equal freedom. But from this time he 
 agreed implicitly to everything Addison advanced, and never, 
 as formerly, disputed his positions. This change of behavior 
 did not long escape the notice of so accurate an observer, to 
 whom it w T as by no means agreeable. It happened one day 
 that a subject was started on which they had before contro- 
 verted ; but now Mr. Stanyon entirely acquiesced in Mr. Ad- 
 dison's opinion, without offering one word in defence of his 
 own. Addison was displeased, and vented his displeasure by 
 saying, with some emotion, ' Sir, either contradict me, or pay 
 me my money.' " 
 
 An orator began a speech with promising that he should 
 divide the subject he was about to treat of into thirteen 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 317 
 
 heads. The audience began to murmur, and to interrupt 
 this formidable beginning. "But," continued the orator, c; to 
 prevent my being too prolix, I shall omit a dozen of them." 
 
 Ax Italian, who was very much addicted to gaming, and 
 was both very poor and very unlucky, used to exclaim, " For- 
 tune, thou vile traitress ! it is true you can make me lose, but 
 you cannot make me pay." 
 
 A mistress of a boarding-school at Chelsea, who was very 
 red-faced, taxing one of her scholars with some faults, the 
 young lady denied it, but colored at the accusation. " Nay," 
 says the mistress, " I am sure it must be true, for you blush." 
 " Pardon me, madam," says she, "it is only the reflection 
 of your face." 
 
 Politiax, who was one of the first scholars and poets of 
 the splendid era of the Italian Medici, complains in the fol- 
 lowing terms of the vexations to which men of genius are 
 liable from the impertinence of those insects who buzz about 
 the blaze of intellect: " Does any want a motto for the 
 hilt of his sword, or a posy for a ring,— a memento for his 
 bed-chamber, or a device for his silver vessels, or even his 
 earthen ware, — all run to Politian. : 
 
 5? 
 
 The early conductors of the press used to affix to the end 
 of the volumes which they printed some device or couplet 
 concerning the book, with the addition of the name of the 
 printer, and also the name of the corrector. In the edition 
 
 27* 
 
318 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 of the u Pragmatic Sanction/' by Andrew Bocard, at Paris, 
 the following curious couplet is found : 
 
 " Stet, liber hie donee fiuctus formica marinos, 
 Elibat ; et totum testado perambulet orbem." 
 
 IMITATED. 
 
 " May this volume continue in motion, 
 And its pages each day be unfurled, 
 Till an ant to its dregs drinks the ocean, 
 
 Or a tortoise hath crawled round the world." 
 
 CONVERSATION. 
 
 It was a rule with Dr. Jonathan Swift " never to speak 
 more than a minute at a time, and to wait for others to take 
 up the conversation." 
 
 MUSIC. 
 
 Dr. John Stanley was blind from his infancy. He was 
 a very eminent performer and composer of music. Of his 
 scientific knowledge the following anecdote is a proof. It is 
 related by Dr. Alcock, his pupil. ' ' Most of the musicians 
 contrived all methods to get acquainted with him, as they 
 found their advantage in it. It was common, just as the ser- 
 vice of St. Andrew's Church was ended, to see forty or fifty 
 organists at the altar waiting to hear his last voluntary, — 
 even Mr. Handel himself." 
 
 It was shrewdly said, of a notorious parasite and calumni- 
 ator, ." That fellow never opens his mouth but at somebody's 
 expense." 
 
 When a cat drinks rum, you may look out for a rum-pus. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 319 
 
 TOWER OF BABEL. 
 
 The Abbe Raynal, at a very early period of the conti- 
 nental disorders, expressed himself in the following energetic 
 manner : " The great misfortune of our proceeding is, the 
 having invited the multitude, without previous preparation, 
 to mingle themselves in political matters ; and suffered 
 political mountebanks to persuade them that they were wise 
 enough to comprehend everything. The deluded people 
 is, and always will be, the first step on which the ambitious 
 *have, and ever will, place their foot to raise themselves 
 to the summit. The art of writing is the first of all arts : 
 its influence is great, vast and durable, and this is the rea- 
 son why it ought to impose bounds on itself. The ancient 
 emblem of the chariot, which badly driven set the world on 
 fire, finds here its just application." 
 
 Men form their opinions of circumstances of every sort, 
 even the weather being good or bad, from the particular 
 relation those circumstances have to their own situations. A 
 shoe-black meeting a hackney-coachman on a very fine sun- 
 shining day, in the middle of November, accosted him with, 
 -" All 's bad still, Tom ; all ? s bad yet, for you and I ; here "s 
 another of these blasted fine days ! " 
 
 The more true merit a man has, the more does he applaud 
 it mothers. 
 
 A man who is not ashamed of himself need not be ashamed 
 of his early condition in life. 
 
 Death, once seen at our hearth, leaveth a shadow which 
 abideth there forever. 
 
320 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 Henley's audience at his oratory was generally composed 
 of the lowest orders : he once attracted together an immense 
 number of shoemakers, by advertising " that on the following 
 Saturday he would lay open to the public a mode by which a 
 pair of shoes might be made in four minutes, and demonstrate 
 the ease and certainty of this new method, by performing it 
 in the face of the audience" He did so, — by producing a 
 pair of boots, and cutting the feet off ! 
 
 Have not thy cloak .to make when it begins to rain. 
 
 Truth itself becomes falsehood if it is presented in any 
 other than its right relations. There is no truth but the 
 " whole truth." 
 
 It is delightful to rekindle smiles on an infantile counte- 
 nance. Grief is out of place where even reflection has left 
 no trace. 
 
 Learning, it is said, may be an instrument of fraud ; so 
 may bread, if discharged from the mouth of a cannon, be an 
 instrument of death. 
 
 Labor has its sages, though they dispense with an acad- 
 emy, and its kings, though they are not invested with purple. 
 
 OLD MAIDS. 
 
 A sprightly writer expresses his opinion of old maids in 
 the following manner : — " I am inclined to believe that 
 many of the satirical aspersions cast upon old maids tell more 
 to their credit than is generally imagined. Is a woman re- 
 markably neat in her person? — l she will certainly die an old 
 maid.' Is she frugal in her expenses, and exact in her 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 321 
 
 domestic concerns J — * she is cut out for an old maid.' And 
 if she is kind and humane to the animals about her, nothing 
 can save her from the appellation of an ' old maid.' In short, 
 I have always found that neatness, modesty, economy and 
 humanity, are the never-failing characteristics of an : old 
 maid." " ; 
 
 A little girl, being at dinner with a large party, and fear- 
 ing she had been forgotten to be helped, crumbled some bread 
 
 on her plate, and. at the same time, said to a boiled chicken 
 near her, ;; Biddy, biddy, come biddy, come ! ' : 
 
 DISCRETION. 
 
 " Doctor, do you think I have arrived at the years of 
 discretion ]"' i: No, miss, nor do I think you ever will." 
 
 Deax SWIFT vras once travelling through one of the rural 
 parishes, some leagues from London, and, introducing himself 
 to the parson as a member of the same profession, vras invited 
 to partake of his fraternal hospitalities. The dean con- 
 sented, and accompanied the parson to his church the next 
 morning. And there the dean had the satisfaction of hearing 
 one of his own sermons preached by an ignorant i: Bible- 
 bang^r.** without a word of acknowledgment. When the 
 services were over, the dean asked the preacher how long it 
 took him to write such a sermon. - 0." said the minister, 
 ••I wrote that sermon in about two hours. "Did you, 
 
 leed?" said the dean in reply. "Why 3 it took me over 
 two months to write that very sermon ! " 
 
322 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 SINGULAR MALAPROPOS. 
 
 A gentleman sitting in one of the boxes in company with 
 the late Lord North, not knowing his lordship, entered into 
 conversation with him, and, seeing two ladies come into an 
 opposite box, turned to him, and addressed him with, " Pray, 
 sir, can you inform me who is that ugly woman that is just 
 come in? 77 "0," replied his lordship, with great good 
 humor, " that is my wife." " Sir. I ask you ten thousand 
 pardons ; I do not mean her, — I mean that shocking monster 
 who is along with her." "That," replied his lordship, "is 
 my daughter" 
 
 HIT OR MISS. 
 
 John Bunyan, well known as the author of the admired 
 allegory of the Pilgrim's Progress, entered into the Parlia- 
 ment army in 1645. He was drawn out to stand sentinel at 
 the siege of Leicester ; but, another soldier desiring to take 
 his place, and Bunyan to stand his two hours in turn, he com- 
 plied with the request, and by this piece of complaisance pre- 
 served his life, his comrade being shot a few minutes after 
 with a musket-ball. 
 
 AS DEEP IN THE MUD AS I WAS IN THE MIRE. 
 
 A country gentleman, who had been out with Montrose, 
 retiring to his own parish after the war was done, was taken 
 through hands by the Presbyterian clergyman of the place, 
 and ordained to sit for a certain time on the cutty-stool, as a 
 penance for his dreadful offence. " Ye should set my mare 
 there, too, man," cried the intractable cavalier to the clergy- 
 man who delivered the sentence; "I'll be hanged if she 
 wasna as deep i' the mud as I was i J the mire ! " 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 323 
 
 KEEPING ONE'S BED. 
 
 A drunken fellow, to maintain himself at his pot having 
 sold all his goods except his feather-bed, at last made away 
 with that too ; when, being reproved for it by some of his 
 friends. "Why," said he, "I am very well, thank God, and 
 why should I keep my bed? " 
 
 A WARLIKE PRELATE. 
 
 Richard II., on the Pope's reclaiming, as a son of the 
 church, a bishop he had taken prisoner in battle, sent him the 
 prelate's coat of mail, and, in the words of Scripture, asked 
 him, { * Know whether this be thy son's coat or no? " 
 
 In an omnibus, the other day, a little girl not more than 
 seven years of age asked an old gentleman li if he would be 
 her father. 7 ' A look of surprise was the reply. " 0," said 
 the precocious miss, *' : don't you know, if you'll be my father 
 till the fares are collected, I shall get off for half-price ? " 
 
 A CURE EOR BAD POETRY. 
 
 A physician at Bath told Foote he had a mind to publish 
 his own poems, but he had so many irons in the fire he did 
 not well know what to do. " Then take my advice, doctor," 
 said Joote. " and put your poems where your irons are." 
 
 OLD ACQUAINTANCE. 
 Lord Kaimes, in one of his circuits as a Lord of Justiciary 
 in Scotland, having crossed the ferry to Kinghorn, the boat- 
 
324 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 man, to his lordship's surprise, refused to take any money for 
 the service he had rendered him, in consequence of their bein^ 
 old acquaintances. On being desired to explain, the boatman 
 observed that his name was Tom Clark, and that he and his 
 wife Bet had both been tried for sheep-stealing, and, if it had 
 not been for his lordship's jaw, both Bet and himself had 
 either been hanged or transported. His lordship, smiling, 
 bade him be more honest in future, as the consequence might 
 be fatal to him, should their acquaintance ever be renewed. 
 
 A braggadocio swore that he met with two great enemies 
 at one time, and he tossed one so high in the air, that, if he 
 had had a baker's basket full of bread, he would have starved 
 in the fall ; and the other he struck so deep into the earth 
 that he left nothing to be seen but his head and one arm, to 
 pull his hat off to thank him. 
 
 Lord H., who was very much addicted to the bottle, sitting 
 with Foote previous to a masquerade night, asked him what 
 new character he ought to appear in. " New character ! " 
 said the other, pausing for some time, — " suppose you go 
 sober, my lord." 
 
 A Gascon received a severe flogging with a cudgel, with- 
 out daring to resist. A few days afterwards he met with a 
 poet who had lampooned him severely. "Pardieu!" says 
 he, " if you ever dare to make free with me again, I will give 
 you a severe cudgelling." "You can readily afford to give 
 it now," replies the other, "as you received so large a stock 
 the other day." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 325 
 
 LAST WORDS OF KING CHARLES II. 
 
 Were the expressions of a man who regretted to part with 
 his life, for the sake of its pleasures, — u Faites ouvrier les 
 rideaaX) d fin que je voy encore lejour" — " Open the cur- 
 tains, that I may once more see the light of the sun." 
 
 A Dublin paper contains the following paragraph : " Yes- 
 terday, Mr. Kenny, returning to town, fell down and broke 
 his neck, but happily received no further damage" 
 
 A certain bruising parson having been examined as a 
 witness in the Court of King's Bench, the adverse counsel 
 attempted to browbeat him. " I think you are the bruising 
 parson," said he. "lam," says the divine; " and, if you 
 doubt it, I will give it you under my hand" 
 
 NEW WARK AND OLD WARK. 
 
 The old Presbyterian general, David Leslie, it is well 
 known, chose, at the Restoration, to repent of all the deeds of 
 his youth, and express himself a sound and zealous loyalist. 
 Charles II., it is also well known, made him a peer, under 
 the title of Lord Newark. A loyalist of older standing, and 
 who had, perhaps, experienced some sound blows from Les- 
 lie Vtroopers in his younger days, is said to have remonstrated 
 with the king upon a proceeding which showed so much dis- 
 respect for his old friends. " By my soul," said this bold 
 cavalier, " instead of raising him to the peerage for his new 
 wark, there wad ha' been mair justice if your majesty had 
 raised him to the gallows for his auld wark." 
 28 
 
826 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 EARL OF R . 
 
 The Earl of R , eighty years ago, was so weak in his 
 
 mind, or rather so unmanageable, that his relations had to 
 confine him in the Canongate jail, there being then no other 
 asylum for the reception of lunatics at Edinburgh. Some 
 English officers belonging to the Duke of Cumberland's army 
 happening to visit the prison, and being informed that it had 
 no less distinguished a tenant than an earl, asked his lord- 
 ship, in much surprise, how he got into such a place as this. 
 " 'Deed, gentlemen," replied the lunatic, whose mind, like 
 that of other idiots, occasionally gave forth strange flashes of 
 wit, as the darkest nights are illuminated by the brightest 
 lightning, " I got in here in somewhat the same manner that 
 you got into the army,— less by my ain deserts than by the 
 interest of my friends." 
 
 A pragmatical coxcomb, passing along a narrow street, 
 met a corpse that was carrying upon men's shoulders, in order 
 to be interred, and for some time refused to give way to the 
 corpse. "Pray, sir," said one of the bearers, "'don't grum- 
 ble to give way to your betters, for the person here enclosed 
 is now a companion for a king." 
 
 ENGRAVING — JOHN KEYSE SHERWIN. 
 
 The matchless engravings of " Christ and Mary in the 
 Garden," " Christ bearing the Cross," and " The Finding of 
 Moses," are generally known, but not so the singular intro- 
 duction of Mr. Sherwin to that fine art in which he so ex- 
 celled. The following anecdote may be relied on: Mr. S. 
 was. till the age of nineteen, employed in the laborious occu- 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 327 
 
 pation of cutting wood on the estate of Mr. Mitford, in Sus- 
 sex. Being one day in the house of that gentleman, and 
 being also admitted into the room where some of the family 
 were amusing themselves with drawing, Mr. Mitford thought 
 he saw the young man view the process in a very attentive 
 manner, and asked young Sherwin if he could do anything in 
 that way. The youth answered that " he could not tell, but 
 should like to try." Mr. Mitford gave him the port-crayon, 
 when, although his hands were callous with hard labor, he 
 produced a drawing which astonished not only all who were 
 present, but the Society of Arts, to whom it was presented 
 by Mr. Mitford; and the society 7 s silver medal was voted to 
 him on that occasion. 
 
 HAMILTON, OF KILBRACKMONT. 
 
 Robert Hamilton, of Kilbrackmont, in Fife, who died 
 about thirty years ago,, was emphatically a "good hater." 
 He was one day paying a visit to the Thirdpart House, in the 
 east of Fife, where the Honorable Misses Murray, daughters 
 of Viscount Stormont, and sisters of the Earl of Mansfield, 
 resided, — ladies who had originally been enthusiastic Jaco- 
 bites (insomuch that one of them made down Prince Charles' 
 bed, in her father's house at Perth, with her own hands), but 
 who now considered it necessary to treat with respect the 
 sovereign under whom their brother bore so distinguished an 
 office. The room was hung with pictures of the royal family, 
 which had been sent to them by their illustrious kinsman ; 
 and Miss Nicky could not help pointing out these conspicuous 
 ornaments to Mr. Hamilton. Some conversation ensued 
 regarding them, during which she frequently termed the orig- 
 inals " the people above." Kilbrackmont, at length tired 
 
828 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 beyond all patience by the nature of the conversation, and, in 
 particular, by hearing that adulatory phrase so often repeated, 
 burst out with, " People above, Miss Nicky ! What wad I 
 care though they were a' up the lum? " and flung out of the 
 room in an agony of Jacobite passion. 
 
 Old Kilbrackmont is said to have been a complete specimen 
 of the ancient Jacobite humorist. He had been out at the 
 Forty-five, and, by a long course of hard living, the result, 
 probably, of disappointed hopes, personal and political, became 
 latterly very poor. Such, however, was the natural buoyancy 
 of his spirits, that in no circumstances did he ever lose the 
 power of creating or enjoying a joke. He was one night 
 lying in his old, solitary, half-desolate mansion-house, when a 
 band of youthful depredators entered by the window, and 
 began to rummage for spoil through a dilapidated chest of 
 drawers which stood in his bed-room. The good old man, not 
 in the least degree alarmed about his property, leaned quietly 
 over the bed, and addressed the robbers in these words : 
 " Haud ye busy, lads ! haud ye busy ! An' ye find ony thing 
 there i' the dark, it's mair than I can do in the daylicht." 
 
 An ignorant fellow, seeing several persons reading with 
 spectacles, went to buy a pair to enable him to read. He 
 tried several, and told the maker they would not answer, as 
 he could not read with them. " Can you read at all?" asked 
 the other. " No," says he; "if I could, do you think] 
 would be such a fool as to buy spectacles ? " 
 
 Among the singers at Dublin was a Miss Cheese, who, 
 observed a punning critic, was a mity fine performer. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 829 
 
 One Mr. Ash, who was himself a famous punster in Ire- 
 land, coming into an inn, desired the landlord to lend him a 
 hand to pull off his great-coat. " Indeed, sir," said he, "I 
 dare not." " Dare not ! " replied the other ; " what do you 
 mean by that?" "You know, sir," answered he, "there is 
 an act of Parliament against stripping of ash." 
 
 COURT OF GOOD SAYINGS. 
 
 Actions without number were the consequence of the 
 Athenian rage for inventing and applying satirical epithets. 
 In these cases there remained an appeal to the Court of Good 
 Sayings, established at Diomeia, and denouncing the aggress- 
 or as a composer of wicked jests. 
 
 HOW TO LIVE LONG. 
 
 The philosophers of Greece often lived during an entire cen- 
 tury, and the torch of genius which lighted them to the tomb 
 was more brilliant than that of ordinary men, even in the vigor 
 of youth. Theophrastus, at the age of ninety-nine years, com- 
 posed his characters. Were it not for such a confession from 
 himself, they might be taken for the production of a young 
 man full of gayety and fancy, for they exhibit a tone of 
 humor which baffles every attempt to imitate them in the 
 different languages of Europe, 
 
 A poet, being censured for quitting his lodgings somewhat 
 abruptly, w T as told he ought to be ashamed of thus running 
 away. "Pshaw!" replied the bard; "we poets must be 
 indulged in our flights." 
 
 28* 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 CATHOLIC AND PROTESTANT. 
 
 A Catholic asked a Protestant where his religion was 
 before the time of Luther. "Where was your face this 
 morning," said the Protestant, "before it was washed?" 
 
 Another Protestant, being asked the same question by 
 another Catholic, answered, " In the Bible, where yours never 
 
 Henry IV. enacted some sumptuary laws, prohibiting the 
 use of gold and jewels in dress ; but they were for some time 
 ineffectual. He passed a supplement to them, which com- 
 pletely answered his purpose. In this last he exempted from 
 the prohibitions of the former, after one month, all prostitutes 
 and pickpockets. Next day there was not a jewel nor golden 
 ornament to be seen. 
 
 WIT IN THE ELEVENTH CENTURY. 
 
 William the Conqueror, being sick, long kept his cham- 
 ber; whereat the French king, scoffing, said, "The King of 
 England lies long in child-bed." When William heard this, 
 he said, " When I am churched, there shall be a thousand 
 lights in France." He made good what he said, by wasting 
 the French frontiers with fire and sword. 
 
 A Gascon was vaunting one day that in his travels he had 
 been caressed wherever he went, and had seen all the great 
 men throughout Europe. "Have you seen the Darda- 
 nelles?" said one of the company. " Parbleu ! " said he ; 
 " I most surely have seen them, when I dined with them 
 several times." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 331 
 
 ELEGANCE BY ACCIDENT. 
 
 The following curious anecdote is told of Lady Wallace, 
 finned in her maiden days as Miss Eglintoune Maxwell of 
 Monteith, and the sister of the Duchess of Gordon. The 
 young lady's family was about to attend the races at Leith, 
 and the coach was just at the stair-foot, ready to take them 
 away, when it was discovered that Miss Eglintoune was not 
 ready, on account of wanting her head-dress, which she was 
 expecting her milliner to appear with every moment. It so 
 happened that, as the milliner was coming along the street 
 with the dress in her hand, she permitted some part of it to 
 catch the knee-buckle of a street porter, by which it was torn, 
 and, as she thought, completely spoiled. However, she took it 
 to Miss Eglintoune, and told her the story, with many protest- 
 ations of regret. The volatile young lady took the dress from 
 her hands, and, running to her glass, proceeded to put it on, 
 torn as it w T as. only arranging it upon her head in such a w r ay 
 as to conceal the misfortune. She then joined her friends in 
 the carriage, and at Leith, attracting, as usual, much atten- 
 tion, the ladies, instead of ridiculing the aw T kward appearance 
 of her cap, admired it exceedingly, and came back to Edin- 
 burgh, full cry, in the afternoon, to get caps of the same 
 description. Of course, it was soon known that it w r as the 
 manufacture of the milliner, who forthwith was completely* 
 overwhelmed with orders for similar caps ; and, we believe, 
 w T as obliged to tear them with a nail in her counter, in order 
 to complete their resemblance to the original. 
 
 Dr. Johnson, once speaking of a quarrelsome fellow, said, 
 '•If he had two ideas in his head, they would fall out with 
 each other." 
 
332 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 MARGARET OF WALDEMAR. 
 
 When the leading nobility and gentry of- Sweden applied 
 to her for protection and aid, the queen held them Ion a- in 
 suspense ; at length they stood in the dilemma, either to 
 renounce her aid, or to purchase it at her own price. The 
 queen, after a while, pulled off the mask, declaring that, 
 " Since she exposed her own crown to the issue of a doubtful 
 war, it was but just she should have the prospect of an addi- 
 tional kingdom." 
 
 The proud Duke of Somerset employed Seymour, the cele- 
 brated painter, to make some portraits of his running horses ; 
 one day, at dinner, he drank to him with a disdainful sneer, 
 — " Cousin Seymour, your health." The artist modestly 
 replied, " I really believe that I have the honor to be of your 
 grace's family." The fiery duke immediately arose from table, 
 and sent his servant to pay and dismiss Seymour. Another 
 painter was then sent for, who, finding himself unworthy to 
 finish Seymour's work, honestly told the duke so. On this 
 the haughty peer condescended once more to summon his 
 cousin. The high-minded and independent artist answered 
 his mandate in these words : "My lord, I shall now prove 
 ,that I am now of your grace's family, for I will not come." 
 
 A popinjay is a creature formed somewhat like a man, 
 upon which pretty clothes are hung, for the edification of the 
 public. He may sometimes be seen by the side of a lady, 
 her reticule hanging on one arm, and the popinjay on the 
 other. Sometimes he ornaments the wing of a theatre, and 
 not unfrequently graces the sheep-pen in a court of justice. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 333 
 
 EXTEMPORE LINES BY LORD CHESTERFIELD. 
 
 Lord Chesterfield, on viewing Lady M , a reputed 
 
 Jacobite, adorned with Orange ribands at the anniversary ball, 
 at Dublin, in memory of King William, thus addressed her, 
 extempore : 
 
 " Thou little Tory, where 's the jest 
 To wear those ribands in thy breast, 
 When that breast, betraying, shows 
 The whiteness of the rebel rose ? " 
 
 A runaway thief having applied for work to a blacksmith, 
 the latter showed him some handcuffs, and desired to know if 
 he ever made any of them. " Why, yes, sir," said the 
 other, scratching his head; " I have had a hand in them." 
 
 Dr. Johnson would have been immortal had he only 
 written this sentence, which should be inserted in the blank 
 page of every young person's Bible. " Life, to be worthy of 
 a rational being, must always be in progression. We must 
 always purpose to do more and better than in times past. 
 The mind is enlarged and elevated by more purposes, though 
 they end as they begin, by airy contemplation. We compare 
 and judge, though we do not practise." 
 
 A certain lady of unsuspected conjugal fidelity towards a 
 husband to whom she had borne six children gave the name 
 of Gratis to a daughter with which she was favored a few 
 years after his decease. A person, remarking upon the 
 incident, observed that, however some might reflect on the 
 
334 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 widow, for his part he thought her exculpable ; that, in his 
 idea, having subscribed and faithfully accounted for six, she 
 was undoubtedly entitled to the seventh gratis. 
 
 BON MOT OF NELSON. 
 Lord Nelson was as decided and animated in his inter- 
 course with his friends as with the enemies of his country. 
 Captain Berry had served with him in the unfortunate affair 
 of Teneriffe; and, on their return to England, accompanied 
 him to St. James'. The king, with his accustomed suavity, 
 lamented the gallant admiral's wounds. " You have lost your 
 right arm," observed his majesty. " But not my right hand," 
 replied the other, "as I have the honor of presenting Captain 
 Berry to your majesty." 
 
 One of a coroner's jury upon the body of a man who had 
 drowned himself was asked what the verdict was. " Feb de 
 se," was the reply. " Fell into the sea ! " said the inquirer ; 
 " why, it was well known he jumped in." 
 
 A beautiful form is better than a beautiful face; a 
 beautiful behavior is better than a beautiful form. It gives a 
 higher pleasure than statues or pictures ; it is the finest of the 
 fine arts. 
 
 Friendship is more firmly secured by lenity towards fail- 
 ings than by attachment to excellences. The former is 
 valued as a kindness which cannot be claimed ; the latter is 
 exacted as the payment of a debt to merit. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 335 
 
 ANECDOTE OF QUIN. 
 Dining, one day, at a party in Bath, Quin uttered some- 
 thing which caused a general murmur of delight. A noble- 
 man present, who was not illustrious for the brilliancy of his 
 ideas, exclaimed, "What a pity 'tis, Quin, my boy, that a 
 clever fellow like you should be a player ! " Quin fixed and 
 flashed his eye upon the person, with this reply: "What 
 would your lordship have me be ? — a lord ? " 
 
 A learned counsellor, in the middle of an affecting appeal 
 in court on a slander suit, let fly the following flight of genius : 
 " Slander, gentlemen, like a boa constrictor of gigantic size 
 and immeasurable proportions, wraps the coil of its unwueldy 
 body about its unfortunate victim, and, heedless of the shrieks 
 of agony that come from the inmost depths of the victim's 
 soul, loud and reverberating as the mighty thunder that rolls 
 in the heavens, it finally breaks its unlucky neck against the 
 iron wheel of public opinion, forcing him to desperation, then 
 to madness, and finally crushing him in the hideous jaw T S of 
 moral death. — Judge, give us a chaw of tobacco ! " 
 
 In the county of S- , in the Old North State, there 
 
 was a good, honest-hearted old man, named Mitchell, who six 
 days in the week hammered iron on his anvil, and on the 
 seventh hammered the gospel on the pulpit. One warm 
 Sunday morning, after the introductory exercises of religious 
 worship, he threw off his coat and rolled up his shirt-sleeves, 
 and commenced his discourse with the following unique exor- 
 dium : " Now T , my beloved brethren and friends, old Mitchell 
 reckons he ? s goiir to make a chain to chain the devil." 
 
336 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 SIMPLICITY. 
 
 In the monastery of St. Firmin, in Paris, almost all the 
 priests who were confined were massacred. Henriot (after- 
 wards executed with Robespierre) did not leave the house until 
 there were no more murders to be committed. When he went 
 out of the gate he was half naked, covered with blood, and his 
 sabre in his hand. One of the unfortunate priests, who, being 
 in the privy, kept himself concealed, when called to come 
 down, owed his life to these words : "I am going down to 
 you, citizens; I am making haste." The simplicity of this 
 resignation caused him to be forgotten. 
 
 A gentleman in the borough of Norfolk, Va., not long 
 since, having occasion to visit the apartment occupied by his 
 own servants, discovered among the effects of a favorite old 
 maid a pile of funeral cards, amounting to some dozens ; 
 which, upon examining, he found to be those which had been 
 sent to the family at various times on the death of an acquaint- 
 ance, extending back for a number of years. On inquiring 
 of Molly what she was going to do with these funeral cards, 
 the good old woman answered: " Why, massa, I'se expected 
 to die myself, 'fore long, and I has laid these up to send to 
 my friends to come to de funeral." 
 
 A school exercise was given to a student at Westminster 
 school ; the word was Saratoga. On which he immediately 
 wrote an epigrammatic couplet in Latin, of which the following 
 is a translation : 
 
 " Burgoyne, alas ! unknowing future fates, 
 
 Could force his way through Woods, but not through Gates." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 837 
 
 LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE. 
 
 A weaver, who lived in a village in Ayrshire, and who 
 occupied every Sunday a conspicuous bottom-room in the 
 front, laft of the parish church, was a shameless votary of 
 Morpheus. Day after day, for years, John Thamson reg- 
 ularly laid his head upon the book-board at the reading out 
 of the text, and there did he sleep, yea, sometimes snore, till 
 the conclusion of the discourse. John seemed to think tho 
 text all that was truly necessary ; he " dreamed the rest." 
 This at length became intolerably annoying to the clergyman, 
 and two elders were sent to remonstrate with him on the ex- 
 ceeding sinfulness of his behavior. " I canna help it, sirs," 
 said John. " I 'm a hard-working man a' the week, but 
 Sabbath ; and though I like the kirk and the minister weel 
 eneuch, unless ye ca' my head off, I canna keep my een 
 open." "Weel, John," said the remonstrants, "if ye idM 
 allow Satan to exerceese his power over you in this dorming, 
 dwamming way, in the very kirk itsell, what gars ye sit in 
 the front laft, where a' body amaist sees you ? Can ye no 
 tak a back seat, where your sin micht be less seen and 
 heard?" " Tak a back seat!" exclaimed John; " na, na, 
 I '11 never quit my cozie corner. My father, my grandfather, 
 and my great-grandfather, a' sat there ; and there sit will 
 John, come o 't what will ! " This remonstrance being found 
 ineffectual, the minister resolved upon the desperate measure 
 of affronting John out of his truly antichristian practice, by 
 rebuki»g him before the congregation, and while he was in the 
 very act. Little, however, did he know the principle of resist- 
 ance which glowed within the bosom of the drowsy wabster. 
 Next Sunday forenoon, as soon as John had, as usual, sunk 
 into slumber upon the desk, and fairly begun his serenade, he 
 cried, " Sit up, John Thamson ! " "I 'm no sleeping, sir," 
 29 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 quoth John. " 0, John, John ! can you tell me what I said 
 last 1 " " Ouj ay, sir ; ye said, l Sit up, John Thamson ! ' 
 
 BIGID INTEGRITY. 
 
 A native of Corsica being condemed to die, his nephew, 
 accompanied with a lady of distinction, waited upon General 
 Paoli to solicit his pardon ; and, advancing towards the gen- 
 eral (whose humanity and prudence is so much applauded by 
 Mr. Boswell in his history of Corsica), said, with the deepest 
 concern, " May I beg the life of my uncle 1 If it is granted, 
 his relations will make a gift to the state of a thousand 
 sechims. We will furnish fifty soldiers in pay during the 
 siege of Furiani ; we will agree that my uncle shall be ban- 
 ished, and will engage that he shall never return to the 
 island." The governor, knowing the nephew to be a man 
 of worth, answered, " You are acquainted with the circum- 
 stances of this case. Such is my confidence in you, that if 
 you will say that giving your uncle a pardon would be just, 
 useful or honorable, for Corsica, I promise you it shall be 
 granted." The nephew, turning about, and bursting into 
 tears, left him, saying, "I would not have the honor of my 
 country sold for a thousand sechims;" and his unfortunate 
 uncle suffered. 
 
 CONTESTATION OF TEXTS. 
 
 When John, the Duke of Anjou, advanced towards Naples 
 at the head of an army, to invade that city, he placed upon 
 his colors these words : " A man was sent whose name was 
 John." Alphonso of Arragon, who defended the city, an- 
 swered him by this other passage, from the same place, and 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 339 
 
 which he caused to be inscribed on his colors : " He came, 
 and they received him not." 
 
 A JEST, NEXT TO NO JEST. 
 
 Richard Owen Cambridge, Esq.. who long enjoyed the 
 otium cum dignitare with literature and literary men. wrote 
 some papers in " The World," a periodical ^vell known. Be- 
 ing one Sunday after church, during the progress of the 
 above publication, Mrs. Cambridge observed him to be re- 
 markably silent and thoughtful ; and, being apprehensive he 
 had something on his mind rather disagreeable, asked him 
 what he was thinking of. "Upon a very important subject, 
 indeed, my dear,*' said he; "I am thinking of the next 
 1 World/* n 
 
 FAR OWER DEAR. 
 
 A gentleman who had taken the right of shooting over a 
 moor in Ayrshire, at a high rent, on the 12th of August 
 bagged only two brace. After counting the price, he grum- 
 blingly remarked to the tenant of the moor that the birds had 
 cost him two guineas the brace. The tenant very innocently 
 replied, '■' Aweel, sir, ye may be thankfu' ye hae gotten sae 
 few o' them ; for they 're far ower dear.'' 
 
 A^witty moralist used to say of taverns that they were 
 places where men sold madness by the bottle. 
 
 A stone-mason was employed to engrave the following 
 epitaph on a tradesman's wife: "A virtuous woman is a 
 
840 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 crown to her husband." The stone, however, being narrow, 
 he contracted the sentence in the following manner : " A vir- 
 tuous w r oman is 5$. to her husband." 
 
 MR THOM OF GO VAN. 
 
 The anecdotes of this eccentric clergyman are endless. He 
 w T as fond of horses, and usually kept a good one. A favorite, 
 called Lion, died in consequence of having galloped thirty- 
 five miles to enable his master to be present at the placing 
 of a clergyman. Next morning, Mr. Thom, when looking 
 out at his window, saw the bellman running up to the door 
 of the manse. " Weel, John," he thus addressed the tin- 
 tinnabulator, " you ' re unco early asteer; is there ony thing 
 wrang? " " Wrang ! ay, truly, there 's muckle w r rang," an- 
 swered the man. "Ay, ay, what is't, John?" " Lion's 
 dead, sir!" "Is Lion dead, John?" replied Mr. Thorn; 
 "what a pity that ae puir beast should be killed placing 
 anither ! " 
 
 A certain married lady, after having staid out all night, 
 inquired, with affectionate solicitude, "My dear, how do you 
 find your head this morning ? " 
 
 A gentleman once observing that a person famous in the 
 musical line led a very abandoned life, "Ay," replied a 
 wag, " the w T hole tenor of his life has been base." ' 
 
 In a German advertisement for the sale of the machinery 
 of a theatre is an " N. B. To be sold at the same time, thir- 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 341 
 
 ty-two good, substantial old ghosts, with a very fine new 
 devil, — a striking likeness of Bonaparte. 77 
 
 BOMB PROOF. 
 
 While Charles XII., King of Sweden, was one day dic- 
 tating letters to his secretary, a bomb fell through the roof 
 of the house into the adjoining room, when the secretary 
 dropped his pen in a fright. " What is the matter?" said 
 Charles. . " 0, the bomb ! 77 replied he. " The bomb ! 77 says 
 the king, " what have we to do with the bomb 7 — go on. 77 
 
 Captain Underwood, of the East India Company 7 s 
 service, who was supposed not to be very fond of the war 
 with Tippoo, having obtained permission to take a trip to sea, 
 for the benefit of his health, asked the captain of the vessel 
 whether, in case of his being drowned, he would write an 
 epitaph on him. The other said Yes, and repeated extem- 
 pore the following : 
 
 " Here lies, escaped from blood and slaughter, 
 Once Underwood, now underwater." 
 
 A person asked an Irishman why he wore his stockings 
 the wrong side outwards ; who answered, because there was a 
 hole^on the other side. 
 
 A poor Irishman was brought before a magistrate as a 
 common vagrant. The justice asked him what brought him 
 over to this country. "A ship, your honor. 77 "A ship, 
 
 29* 
 
342 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 you impertinent fellow! How do you get your living?" 
 "By my hands, your honor; I am a hay-maker. " "And 
 how long have you been out of employ?" "Plase your 
 honor, our trade has been rather dull all this winter." 
 
 PATIENCE. 
 
 A fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge, on the eve of 
 his departure from the university, preached at St. Mary's, 
 upon these words : " Have patience with me, and I will pay 
 you all ; " and, owing a great sum of money in the town, 
 enlarged mightily on the first part of the text, " Have pa- 
 tience," &c. " Now," says he, "I should come to the second 
 part, — - c and I will pay you all ; J but, having pressed too long 
 on your patience, I must leave that till the next opportunity, 
 — so pray have patience with me!" 
 
 NO BAD EXCHANGE. 
 
 "How are you, this morning?" said lawcett to Cooke. 
 " Not at all myself," says the tragedian. " Then, I congrat- 
 ulate you," replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever else you will, 
 you will be a gainer by the bargain." 
 
 It is a melancholy fact, that since sprigged muslins have 
 become fashionable our ladies are not so spotless as formerly. 
 
 To be perfectly resigned, in the whole life and its every 
 desire, to the will and governance of the Divine Providence, is 
 a worship most pleasing in the sight of the Lord. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 343 
 
 DUKE OF HARCOURT. 
 
 This nobleman, suspecting Caylus was endeavoring to 
 supplant him in the affections of a lady, sent the count a chal- 
 lenge, which the latter, with a view to some testamentary 
 arrangements, wished to defer till next day. This the duke 
 flatly refused. "I will fight," said he, " immediately. I 
 only fight because I love the young lady now ; how do I 
 know if I shall love her to-morrow ? " 
 
 DREAMS. 
 
 A gentleman of considerable talents, but extremely at- 
 tentive to the augury of dreams, relating a very tedious 
 dream which Jie had the preceding night, "Let us awaken 
 him," said Mrs. Piozzi, "for his dream has almost put us to 
 sleep." 
 
 PAINTERS. 
 
 A friend undertook to dissuade Dominochino from bestow- 
 ing so much time upon his works. " You do not know, then," 
 said he, "'that I have a master very difficult to please?" 
 "Who?" "Myself." 
 
 CANDOR, 
 
 Lord Lyttelton asked of a clergyman in the country 
 the use of his pulpit for a young man he had brought down 
 with him. " I really know not," said the parson, " how to 
 refuse your lordship ; yet, if the young gentleman preach 
 better than me, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me 
 afterwards ; and if he preach worse, I don't think he is fit 
 to preach at all." 
 
344 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 •- 
 
 ANDERSON AND THE BANK RECEIVER. 
 
 During the sojourn of the professor in the Quaker city, 
 he used one of the banks for his deposits. One day he wsnt 
 to the bank to deposit a large amount. It was principally in 
 twenty and ten dollar gold pieces, and was handed in in pack- 
 ages of five hundred each. The receiver, who did not know 
 the wizard, and who is usually a very smart man, commenced 
 counting the gold, but could not, for his life, satisfy himself 
 of the numerous amounts. Opening one package, he found 
 all right ; then he took a second, and found it ten dollars 
 short ; re-counted it, and found ten dollars over ; and then 
 again, and it was short. He then laid it aside, took another 
 parcel, and found it contained twenty dollars over, and re- 
 counted it, and it was only ten over ; again he carefully 
 counted it, and discovered it was thirty short ! The young 
 man felt his head, to see if he was laboring under sickness, 
 or deranged. Finding his senses all right, he set to work 
 again, commencing at the first package, and got through five 
 very well ; the next he found twenty short, and, re-counting 
 it, discovered forty over ! He called another teller, who was 
 equally puzzled, but, turning round, saw Professor Anderson 
 standing near him, and felt convinced it was the trick of the 
 wizard. The professor smiled, and desired him to proceed ; 
 and when he got through satisfactorily, he took the receipt 
 for the amount. The young man went to the table where 
 he had left the piles of gold, in order to put them into the 
 drawer — when lo ! he could not lift any of them ! the coins 
 clung together, and were immovable ! The young man looked 
 terrified, and sought a chair ; but the professor, seeing his 
 perplexity, told him not to be alarmed. He found his imagi- 
 nation had affected him, and told him to put the cash away ; 
 and the professor left the bank, passing the crowd of anxious 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 345 
 
 visitors to the bank, -who had been neglected in consequence 
 of the excitement. 
 
 Grief never sleeps ; it watches continually, like a jealous 
 hand. All the world groans under its sway, and it fears that 
 by sleeping its clutch will become loosened, and its prey then 
 escape. 
 
 A negro preacher in Alabama recently said : " My dear 
 bredren — de liberal man, wot gib w T ay his property, a'nt 
 gwan to heaben no more clan some ob you wicked sinners is. 
 Charity a'nt no good widout righteousness. It is like beef- 
 steak widout gravy ; dat am to say, no good, nohow." 
 
 EDUCATION IN THE ARMY. 
 
 The following are a few suggestions, thrown out for the 
 benefit of those who are intrusted with the delicate task of 
 teaching the young military idea to do something more than 
 shoot, which was formerly his sole accomplishment. 
 
 If fourteen pounds make one stone, how many stones will 
 make one stone wall ? 
 
 If five yards and a half make a Pole, what is the length 
 of a Hungarian ? 
 
 If a certain number of hogsheads make a pipe, is it pos- 
 sible, K with any quantity of bird's-eye, to make a cigar ? 
 
 If the earth takes twenty-four hours to get round the sun, 
 how many hours will it take for a son to get round an angry 
 father? 
 
 Reduce pounds to shillings ; by billiards, brandy-and- water, 
 and cigars. — Punch. 
 
346 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 FORCE AND PLIABILITY OF CONSCIENCE. 
 
 A tailor, -who was dangerously ill, had a remarkable 
 dream. He saw, fluttering in the air, a piece of cloth of a 
 prodigious length, composed of all the cabbage he had made, 
 of a variety of colors. The angel of death held this piece 
 of patchwork in one of his hands, and with the other gave 
 the tailor several strokes with a piece of iron. The tailor, 
 awakening in a fright, made a vow that, if he recovered, he 
 would cabbage no more. He soon recovered. As he was 
 diffident in himself, he ordered one of his apprentices to put 
 him in mind of his dream whenever he cut out a suit of 
 clothes. The tailor was, for some time, obedient to the inti- 
 mations given him by his apprentice ; but, a nobleman having 
 sent for him to make a coat out of a very rich stuff, his vir- 
 tue could not resist the temptation. His apprentice put him 
 in mind of his dream, but to no purpose. ({ I am tked with 
 your talk about the dream," says the tailor; "there was 
 nothing like this in the whole piece of patchwork I saw in 
 my dream." 
 
 A shoemaker, in Connecticut, bought some shoe-pegs 
 made of rotten wood. Not being able to use them, he took 
 his knife and sharpened the other end of them, and sold them 
 for oats. 
 
 Irving says the only temple of true liberty in this world 
 is the bar-room of a country inn ; an institution where you 
 may pull off your formality with your boots, roll up your 
 trousers with your cares, and puff away at your troubles with 
 a pipe, without any fear that a broomstick will draw your 
 attention to the carpet, or dark-complexioned frowns remind 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 347 
 
 you of the injurious effects of tobacco-juice on the stove- 
 hearth. The parlor Tvill do well enough for those who are 
 brought up under despotism ; but to a man who has once fed 
 on democracy there is no spot in the world where he can 
 enlarge the area of freedom with less fear of raising an 
 insurrection than in the snug, cosey corner of a country bar- 
 room. 
 
 DISABILITY FROM STAMMERING. 
 
 A soldier, about to be sent on an expedition, said to the 
 officer directing the drafts, "Sir, I cannot go, because I — 
 I — stutter.*' '• Stutter!" says the officer, " you don't go 
 to talk, but to fight." "Ay, but they'll p-p-put me on 
 g-g-guard, and a man may go ha-ha-half a mile, before I 
 can say, Wh-wh-who goes there? " " 0, that is no objec- 
 tion ; for there will be another sentry placed along with you, 
 and he can challenge, if you can fire." " "Well, b-b-but I 
 may be taken, and run through the g-g-guts, before I can 
 cry Qu-qu-quarter ! " 
 
 HEROISM OF PATERNAL AFFECTION. 
 
 Loiserrolles — a name that will never be forgotten 
 amongst the victims of democratic rage — received at the 
 Conciergerie an act of accusation which was intended for his 
 son. He said not a word, but obeyed the intimation of the 
 clerk, who ordered him to go to the office. He hies away, 
 concealing his joy that in sacrificing his own life he should 
 preserve that of his son. The mistake was not discovered, 
 because he had done everything to render it complete. He 
 trembled lest his son, who w T as ignorant of this act of devoted- 
 ness. should come in and claim his place. The venerable old 
 
848 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 man, tied to the plank, exclaimed, Cl I have succeeded!" 
 and he received, no doubt, without regret, the stroke of death. 
 But, as if Heaven had waited for this last and generous vic- 
 tim to manifest all its wrath, avenging justice at length 
 displayed itself; that very day it thundered on guilt ; that 
 very day the tyrants were hurled headlong, and all these 
 decemvirs, drunk with blood, mounted the scaffold the next 
 
 A great man commonly disappoints those who visit him. 
 They are on the look-out for his thundering and lightning, 
 and he speaks about common things much like other people ; 
 nay, sometimes he may even be seen laughing. 
 
 Lord, preserve me calm in my spirit, gentle in my com- 
 mands, and watchful that I speak not unadvisedly with my 
 lips, moderate in my purposes, yielding in my temper, and at 
 the same time steadfast in my principles. — Bogatzky. 
 
 1 beg you to take to heart one maxim, which for myself I 
 have ever observed, and ever shall : it is, never to say more 
 than is necessary. The unspoken word never does harm ; 
 but what is once uttered cannot be recalled, and no man can 
 foresee its consequences. — Kossuth. 
 
 Upon coming into the office, the other day, we asked the 
 u Devil" his rule for punctuation. Said he, "I set up as 
 long as I can hold my breath, then put in a comma ; when I 
 gape, I insert a semicolon ; when I sneeze, a colon ; and when 
 I want to take another chew of tobacco, I insert a period." 
 We cannot withhold these rules, so admirable for their sim- 
 plicity, from the public. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 849 
 
 DR. JOHNSON'S RAMBLER. 
 
 Dr. Johnson was paid by the booksellers two guineas per 
 week for this work ; and his employers made by it above 
 ten thousand pounds. Upon the very great repute of the 
 Ramblers, the University of Dublin honored him with a 
 degree of A. M., a favor Johnson had before vainly solicited. 
 
 " What are these 'Royal Bath bricks' that one hears 
 so much about? " asked a gentleman, the other clay, " They 
 are the bricks/' replied a ready-witted friend, "that George 
 the Fourth used to carry ' in his hat " at Bath, his favorite 
 brandy-and- watering place." 
 
 In one of our burying-grounds is a tombstone containing 
 the following inscription: — "To the memory of William 
 McAlpin, who died of the scarlet fever. He was born in 
 Tipperary, Ireland, on the 4th of June, 1813, aged 37 
 years.*' A good round age that, to be born at ! 
 
 A gentleman residing in the neighborhood of Cork, on 
 walking one Sunday evening, met a young peasant-girl, 
 w r hose parents lived near his house. " What are you doing, 
 Jenny?" said he. " Looking for a son-in-law for my mother, 
 sir^* was the smart reply. 
 
 In the lexicon of Suidas is the following sublime passage, 
 which describes the genius and talent of the great father of 
 ancient philosophy : il Aristotle was the secretary of Nature, 
 and he dipped his pen in Mind." 
 30 
 
350 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 UNCOMMON HEROISM. 
 At the siege of Tortona, the commander of the army in 
 the service of Naples, which then lay before the town, ordered 
 one Carew, an Irish officer, to advance, with a detachment 
 under his command, to a particular post. Having given his 
 orders, he whispered to Carew the following dreadful words : 
 " Sir, I know you to be a gallant man ; I have, therefore, 
 put you upon this duty ; I tell you, in confidence, it is certain 
 death to you all. I place you there to make the enemy 
 spring a mine below you." Carew led on his men in silence 
 to the dreadful post, and, with an undaunted countenance, 
 called to one of his soldiers for a draught of wine. " Here," 
 said he, "I drink to all those who bravely fall in battle." 
 Fortunately at that instant the town capitulated, and the 
 brave Carew escaped, but had an opportunity of showing 
 such heroism as is not often equalled. 
 
 Robert Fairgrieve, for many years bedral and grave- 
 digger to the parish of Ancrum, in Roxburghshire, was a man 
 of some humor. The minister one day met him coming home, 
 sooner than was to be expected, from Jedburgh fair, and 
 inquired the reason for such strange conduct, since most of 
 his fellow-parishioners would probably stay till midnight, if 
 not till next morning. " 0, sir," said Robert, " huz that are 
 office-bearers (meaning the minister and himself) should be 
 ensamples to the flock." 
 
 When this strange person was on his death-bed, the minister 
 visited him, for the purpose of administering some ghostly offices 
 to % his soul. He was surprised to find him in a somewhat 
 restless and discontented humor, and not comporting himself 
 exactly as a dying man ought to do. On the clergyman inquir- 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 351 
 
 ing into the cause of his uneasiness, " 0. sir," said Robert. " I 
 was just minding that I've buriet five hunder and ninety- 
 eight folk since I was first made bedral o' Ancrum, and I was 
 anxious that, if it were His holy will, I might be spared to 
 mak it the sax hunder ! " 
 
 A CAUTION. 
 The Duke of Grammont was killed at the battle of Fon- 
 tenoy. "Take care of yourself," said Count Lavendal to 
 him: "your horse is killed." "And so am I,' 7 answered 
 the duke. 
 
 Robin Hannah, who for nearly half a century exercised 
 the trade of grave-digger in the burial-ground attached to the 
 secession meeting-house at Falkirk, had many of the profes- 
 sional peculiarities of his tribe. For instance, Robin would 
 exert himself in accommodating* a good person, or one for 
 whom he entertained sentiments of friendship; and propor- 
 tionally grudged his labors in behalf of persons comparatively 
 worthless. Somebody one day remarked to him that the sod 
 upon a particular grave was very fresh and green. " Ay, 
 it's a bonnie turr," he answered, emphatically ; " but it ? s a 
 pity to see it putten down on the tap o ? sic a skemp." On 
 another occasion, some one observed him suddenly stop in the 
 newly-begun work of forming a grave, and take his way 
 towards the place where his implements were deposited, from 
 whiqh he selected one, and then returned, with a face lighted 
 by a peculiar expression. On being questioned as to his 
 motive for this proceeding, he answered, " Od, he was sic a 
 fine chiel (meaning the individual for whom he was digging 
 the grave), that I just thought I wad howk his grave wi' the 
 new spade." 
 
352 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 It may, perhaps, be supposed, by people of a superficial 
 way of thinking, that there is no particular art or craft 
 to. be exercised in grave-digging, and consequently no grada- 
 tion in the merits of grave-diggers. There could not be a . 
 greater mistake. We believe it quite possible that grave- 
 digging maybe looked upon by the profession itself— and 
 they only give the subject that deep attention it deserves — 
 as one of the fine arts, or, at least, as an art which, in its 
 best productions, may yield to the contemplative observer a 
 certain degree of pleasure. A lady of our acquaintance, when 
 a girl, was drawn by childish curiosity to spend much of her 
 time in overlooking the operations of Robin Hannah. Often, 
 on these occasions, he would say to her, for the purpose of 
 getting quit of her surveillance, which somehow or other was 
 disagreeable to the old man, " Gang awa, my leddie, gang 
 awa, the noo, and if ye 're a gude bairn, I '11 maybe let ye 
 see the grave when it's dune." "VVe make no doubt that 
 Robin considered this a sufficient recompense for any act of 
 self-denial he could have called upon her to perform. Another 
 fills Robin's place, and he now reposes quietlv beneath the 
 green sod he so often spread for others. 
 
 Two Irishmen, having travelled on foot from Chester to 
 Barnet, were tired and fatigued with their journey ; and the 
 more so, when they were told they had still about ten miles 
 to London. " By my shoul and St. Patrick," cries one of 
 them, "it is five miles a-piece, — let's even walk on." 
 
 A citizen's wife being in the country, and seeing a goose 
 that had many goslings, "How is it possible," said she, 
 " that one goose should suckle so many goslings ? " 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 606 
 
 HEROISM. 
 
 The Marquis of Rupelmoncle was killed at the battle of 
 Pfaffenlioven. He was an enlightened philosopher, and an 
 amiable man. He had only his aid-de-camp near him when 
 he fell. " Leave me to die," said he, "and make haste to 
 give notice to M. Segur, that he may take care of the rear- 
 guard." 
 
 A GOOD woman, having drank too large a morning's draught, 
 fell asleep in the church, and at length began to snore, 
 upon which one jogged her. Says she, " Pray give the cup to 
 my gossip there, for I can drink no more." 
 
 A hardened wretch, who was going to be hanged, in his 
 way to the place of execution ordered the cart to stop at a 
 public house, and asked the landlord whether he had not 
 lately lost a silver cup. He answered in the affirmative, and 
 the malefactor said, "Well, make us a drink, and I will give 
 you tidings of it," The abandoned wretch then declared, " It 
 was I who took your cup, and you may rest assured that the 
 next time I come this way you shall have it again." 
 
 Two scholars, passing by a windmill, stood for some time 
 viewing it. The miller, looking out of a little wicket, seeing 
 them, asked them what they would have, and what they 
 stared at. "Why," says one of them, "we are looking at 
 this thing; pray, what is it?" "Why," says the miller, 
 " don't you see ? Where are your eyes ? It is a windmill." 
 "We crave your mercy, sir," said the scholar; "we took it 
 for a jail, seeing a thief looking out of the window." 
 30* 
 
354 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 GARRICK'S EYE. 
 
 Miss Pope was one evening in the green room, comment- 
 ing on the excellences of Garrick, when, amongst other things, 
 she said, "He had the most wonderful eye imaginable; an 
 eye, to use a vulgar phrase, that would penetrate through a 
 deal board ! " " Ay, "cried Wewitzer, " I understand ; what 
 we call a gimblet eye I " 
 
 MARSHAL SAXE. 
 
 In one of his campaigns on the Rhine, the marshal, going 
 his rounds in the encampment, was met by a soldier who had 
 that evening liberally sacrificed to Bacchus, and who, laying 
 hold of the bridle of the marshal's horse, asked him what was 
 the price of it, for that he wanted a horse. The marshal, 
 perceiving the state he was in, had him taken to the provost. 
 The next morning he sent for him, and asked him how 
 much he would give for the horse. The soldier, become per- 
 fectly sober, answered him, " General, the merchant who 
 yesterday evening felt inclined to purchase your horse went 
 off early this morning." 
 
 EXTREME UNCTION. 
 
 As the late Earl of Chesterfield and Lord Petre were once 
 stepping out of a carriage, a great lamp, oil and all, fell from 
 the centre of an iron arch before the house, missing Lord 
 Petre by about half an inch. " 0, my lord," said he, " I was 
 near being gone! " "Why, yes," replied the earl, coolly, 
 "but there would certainly have been one comfort attending 
 the accident, since you must infallibly have received extreme 
 unction before you went." 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 355 
 
 SELLING LANDS. 
 
 A yeoman of Kent selling some lands, the lawyer was 
 puzzled as to the designation which he should have in the 
 deeds. " Say gentleman" suggested a bystander; " for 
 selling lands is a gentleman's trade." 
 
 When General 0' Kelly was introduced to Louis XV., 
 soon after the battle of Fontenoy, his majesty observed that 
 Clark's regiment behaved very well in that engagement. 
 "Sire," said the general, " they behaved well, it is true; 
 many of them were wounded ; but my regiment behaved bet- 
 ter, for we were all killed" 
 
 INGENUOUSNESS. 
 
 General Sloper was distinguished in the annals of gal- 
 lantry. The affair w T ith the celebrated Mrs. Gibber, which 
 became the ground of a prosecution on the part of the lady's 
 husband, Theophilus, is well known. Two young officers of 
 the general's regiment having, after a mess dinner,* discussed 
 rather freely the conduct and character of their commander, 
 and seasoned, as is usual, their remarks with a good deal of 
 the ridiculous, the general sent for them, and asked them if 
 what was reported of them was true. " General," said one 
 of them, "it is: and we should have said much more, if our 
 wine had not failed." 
 
 An Irishman, seeing an undertaker carrying a very small 
 coffin, exclaimed, in the utmost surprise, " Ods blood! is it 
 possible that that coffin can be intended for any living crea- 
 ture?" 
 
356 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 Russell was recently singing "The Gambler's Wife," in 
 
 an English town, and having uttered the words, 
 
 "Hush, lie comes not yet ! 
 The clock strikes one," 
 
 he struck the key to imitate the sudden knell of the departed 
 hour, when a respectably-dressed woman ejaculated, to the 
 amazement of everybody, "Wouldn't I have fetched him 
 home ! " All of Mrs. Caudle's lectures were concentrated 
 in that little sentence. 
 
 A HINT .REMUNERATED. 
 
 The bankruptcy of Mr. Fordyce, the banker, made a great 
 noise some years since. With the foibles generally attendant 
 on aspiring men, Mr. Fordyce had generous qualities. A 
 young, intelligent merchant, who kept cash at his banking- 
 house, and one day made a small lodgment, happened to say, 
 in the office, "that if he could command some thousands at 
 present, there was a certain speculation to be pursued, which 
 in all probability would turn out fortunate." This was said 
 loosely, without Fordyce' s making any answer, or seeming to 
 attend to it, and no more passed at that time. A few months 
 afterwards, when the same merchant was what they call set- 
 tling his book with the house, he was very much surprised 
 to see the sum of five hundred pounds placed to his credit 
 side more than he knew he possessed. Thinking it a mis- 
 take, he pointed it out to the clerk, who, seeing the entry in 
 Mr. Fordyce' s hand- writing, said he must have paid it to 
 him. The merchant, however, knowing he had not, begged 
 to see Mr. Fordyce, who appeared, and told him "it was all 
 right enough, for that as the hint he had a few months before 
 thrown out in the office gained him above five thousand pounds, 
 he thought him fairly entitled to the tithe of that sum." 
 
ONJB THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 857 
 
 MALLEABILITY OF MONEY. 
 
 David Garrick was fond of fame, and equally fond of 
 money ; and few men had it more in their power to gratify 
 both these passions. Foote sometimes threw out pleasantries 
 on Garrick* s avaricious propensity. Being once in company 
 with Garrick, in his garden at Hampton, Roscius, having a 
 guinea in his hand, said, M I think I could throw this guinea 
 to the other side of the Thames/ 7 The English Aristophanes 
 expressed his doubts, " Though I believe," added he, " that 
 you can make a guinea go as far as any man." 
 
 PAUL, EMPEROR OF ALL THE RUSSIAS. 
 
 That eccentricity and fickleness which characterized many 
 of his actions was doubtless the effect of the state in which he 
 was held during the reign of Catharine II. Sentiments of 
 distrust and danger were the habitual inmates of his bosom. 
 At first, as his nature prompted, he opened himself with 
 unbounded confidence and entire familiarity : then, repenting 
 of his frankness, he regarded the friend and confidant as a 
 dangerous character, perhaps the creature of his mother or of 
 the favorite, who had flattered him only to betray him. The 
 fate of his father, Peter III., was ever present to his mind, 
 and formed a combination of all others the most excitive of 
 perturbation, regret and apprehension. 
 
 One of the greatest crimes of which Catharine was guilty 
 was her conduct to that son in whose right she had governed 
 Russia thirty-five years. Paul had sense, activity, a disposi- 
 tion for the sciences, and sentiments of order and justice. 
 But all these were stifled by ill-treatment, or perished for 
 want of cultivation. Catharine kept him at a distance, sur- 
 rounded him with spies, held him in restraint, exposed him 
 
358 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 to every humiliation ; whilst her favorites wallowed in wealth, 
 Paul lived retired, insignificant, and in want of necessaries. 
 Thus she soured his temper, and rendered him capricious and 
 suspicious. Catharine certainly, had not death taken her by 
 surprise, would have disinherited him. Her private confer- 
 ences with the Grand Duke Alexander had begun to be very 
 frequent and mysterious. Had he been willing, or had Cath- 
 arine been able to speak a few words before she died, Paul 
 probably would never have reigned. 
 
 AN EDIFYING SERMON. 
 
 Mr. Johnston, minister of the parish of Lyne and Meg- 
 get, was a man of a singular character. The two parishes, 
 which are twenty miles distant, are very thinly inhabited, 
 both containing only one hundred and sixty souls. In winter 
 Mr. Johnston used to assemble the few that could attend, being 
 so widely scattered, in his own kitchen, and set down before 
 them a bottle or two of whiskey, saying, " Ye '11 no be the 
 waur o' a wee drap o' that, as this is an unco cauld day, an' 
 ye hae a gaye bit till gang ; joost tak an' administer every 
 ane o' ye to yere ain necessity." They accordingly handed 
 the bottle round, every one taking as much as he thought his 
 necessity required, as the minister thought a glass wholly 
 unnecessary. It is needless to say the congregation were 
 greatly edified. 
 
 SAILOR AND STAGE-COACH. 
 
 An honest tar, wishing to be coached up to town from 
 Deptford, thought it a very unbecoming thing in him, who 
 had just been paid off, and had plenty of money, not to have 
 a whole coach to himself; so he took all the places, and seated 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 359 
 
 himself upon the top. The coach was about to set off, when 
 a gentleman appeared, who was holding an altercation with 
 the coachman about the absurdity of his insisting that the 
 seats were all taken, and not a person in the coach. Jack, 
 overhearing high words, thought, as he had paid full freight, 
 he had a right to interfere, and inquired what was the mat- 
 ter ; when, being told that the gentleman was much disap- 
 pointed at not getting a seat, he replied, " You lubber ! stow 
 him away in the hold ; but I '11 be ducked if he come upon 
 deck ! " 
 
 WIT INCURABLE. 
 
 A facetious character, whose talents for humor in private 
 companies were the cause of his being always a guest in con- 
 vivial societies, had by late hours and attachment to the bottle 
 brought himself into a dropsy ; insomuch that the faculty, 
 one and all, agreed nothing could save him but tapping. 
 After much persuasion, he consented to the operation, and 
 his surgeon and assistants arrived with the necessary appa- 
 ratus. Bob was got out of bed, and the operator was on the 
 point of introducing the trocar into the abdomen, when, as if 
 suddenly recollecting himself, he bade the doctor stop. " What ! 
 are you afraid? " cried the surgeon. " No," says the other ; 
 " but, upon recollection, it will not be proper to be tapped 
 here, for nothing that has been tapped in this house ever 
 lasted long." 
 
 BLACK GUARDS. 
 
 A punster, on hearing that the clergy were about to 
 embody themselves for the defence of their country, after mak- 
 ing some observations on their sable attire, and how ill the 
 
860 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 sword would become it, exclaimed, "0! England, unhappy 
 England ! to what a condition are we reduced, when we are 
 to be indebted for the defence of our rights and interests to a 
 band of 6fac&-guards ! " 
 
 ONE REASON 'AS GOOD AS EIGHTEEN. 
 
 Henry IV. being to pass through a small town in Bur- 
 gundy, on the day appointed the mayor and corporation, in 
 their robes and with their regalia, were ready to receive him. 
 On this occasion the following address was presented : u May 
 it please your majesty, of all the towns that have the honor 
 of being governed by your serenity, none have a greater zeal 
 than this. We know that the most certain method of pleasing 
 the greatest warrior of the age would be to receive him amidst 
 the din of a powerful artillery ; but it would have been impos- 
 sible for us to have fired upon this occasion, for eighteen rea- 
 sons. The first, may it please your majesty, is, that we have 
 not, nor ever had, any cannon in the town." " I am so per- 
 fectly satisfied with your first reason," added the king, " that 
 I'll excuse the seventeen others." 
 
 Littleness of soul is often mistaken for prudence. 
 
 Every vicious act weakens a right judgment, and defiles 
 the life. 
 
 Every time you avoid doing wrong you increase your incli- 
 nation to do that which is right. 
 
 Arts that respect the mind were ever reputed nobler than 
 those which serve the body. 
 
 If there has been no temptation, there can be no merit ; if 
 there has been no struggle, there can be no victory. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 8G1 
 
 GEOGRAPHY. 
 
 "What British isle is that the inhabitants of which have 
 tails ? ' ' First boy. — ' ' The Isle of Dogs. ' ? " Whose map of 
 that isle is considered the best ? " Secoiid boy. — " Mogg's." 
 " What is the staple manufacture of the isle? " Third boy. 
 — " Clogs." " State the peculiarity of its climate." Fourth 
 boy. — "Fogs." "And the nature of its soil." Fifth boy. 
 — "Bogs." "What animals doth it abound in?" Sixth 
 boy.— "Frogs." "What is the chief food of the isle?" 
 Seventh boy. — "Hogs." 
 
 Zealous men are ever displaying to you the strength of 
 their belief, while judicious men are showing you the grounds 
 of it. 
 
 If the word contains the seed of heaven, what is it to man, 
 if not implanted in his life and received in pure affection ? 
 
 The worthiest people are most injured by slanderers ; as 
 we usually find that to be the best fruit which the birds have 
 been picking at. 
 
 Wit loses its respect with the good when seen in company 
 with malice ; and to smile at the jest which plants a thorn in 
 another's breast is to become a principal in the mischief. 
 
 V . . 
 
 A young fellow being at a public dinner, and observing 
 
 one of the guests artfully pocket a table-spoon, took another, 
 and very gravely stuck it in his button-hole. Being asked 
 what he meant, he replied, "I saw my neighbor here put a 
 spoon in his pocket, and apprehending it was the custom for 
 us all to take one, preferred putting mine in my button-hole." 
 31 
 
362 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A splenetic blacksmith, who fancied himself sick, would 
 frequently tease a neighboring physician to give him relief. 
 The physician, knowing him to be in perfect health, yet not 
 willing to offend him, told him he must be careful in his diet, 
 and not eat anything that was heavy and windy. The black- 
 smith went off satisfied, but, on casting in his mind what food 
 was heavy and windy, and being ignorant, back he posts to 
 the doctor, who, being quite out of patience with his patient. 
 said, "Don't you know what things are heavy, and what are 
 windy ? " " No," answered the blacksmith. " Why, then I 
 will tell you," said the doctor ; " there 's your anvil is heavy, 
 and your bellows are windy, — do not eat either, and you'll 
 do well enough." 
 
 " Doctor, I is anxious to understand de nature ob my 
 health." " Whey ! 'Tis berry lucky you hab come to me in 
 time. You see you hab got de inflammation of de bronchial 
 tubes, dat acts on de flaxon longus digitous pedis, and dis has 
 ended in de confirmed delirium tremens for sartain. I 'se de 
 only doctor what can cure you." u Shades ob natur ! am it 
 possible?" 
 
 THE YANKEE AND THE COBBLER. 
 
 A cobbler, who was more fond of making remarks on 
 street-passengers than mending his soles or his manners, was 
 daily in the habit of looking up at every one who chanced to 
 pass, and hailing them with various game-making remarks and 
 questions. His wit was considered as sharp as his awl, and 
 persons were obliged to take another street, in order to avoid 
 his game-making : but it happened, on one occasion, that an 
 eccentric Yankee, — a regular down-easter, — who went to the 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 363 
 
 town with his marketing, took a notion to astonish the folks 
 by dressing his three fat sisters up in fashionable style, plac- 
 ing them all on the back of his mule, and thus riding through 
 the town, to the great ridicule of the fashionable bloods. In 
 their way through the city, Jonathan happened to pass the 
 stall of the cobbler ; this, to the lovers of fun in the neighbor- 
 hood, was a happy chance, as, having felt the shaft of the 
 cobbler's ridicule, they were extremely anxious to see the 
 simple Yankee cut dumb. Jonathan walked along at the 
 head of his animal, with a face as long and grave as if he was 
 going to his sisters' funeral, although a good observer could 
 perceive a hidden Yankee smile extending from the corner of 
 his mouth to his ear ; but he had no sooner come opposite to 
 the stall of Cassim than the man of soles poked up his lean 
 visage, and exclaimed, "Why, Mister, you ought to be 
 ashamed of yourself, to let that one poor ass carry them three 
 great gals, when there is two of you together." "Veil, an' 
 vot of it? do you know the reason he does it so veil?" 
 "No; why ? " " Why, kase he minds his own business, an' 
 that's more than you does." 
 
 GOOD WINE. 
 
 Lady Sundon was bribed with a pair of diamond ear- 
 rings, and procured the donor a good place at court. Though 
 the matter w T as notoriously known, she was so imprudent as 
 to wear them constantly in public. This being blamed in a 
 company, Lady Wortley Montague, like Mrs. Candor, under- 
 took Lady Sundon's defence. "And pray," says she, 
 " where is the harm ? I, for my part, think Lady Sundon 
 acts wisely ; for, does not the bush shovr where the wine is 
 sold?" 
 
364 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 HOW TO GET A CELLAR DUG. 
 
 David Smith, a retired oysterman, had scraped together a 
 sufficiency of funds to buy a lot of ground in Loinbard- 
 street, above Twelfth. Being an ingenious old darkey, this 
 Davy Smith, and intending to build a house on the lot he 
 had purchased, he contrived a speculation which he thought 
 would put a few dollars into his fob, and help to pay the ex- 
 penses of his building. The old black rogue secretly inserted 
 a few antique Spanish quarters in the ground, a little below 
 the surface ; and*the next day, while tampering with a spade 
 about the premises, in the presence of a few of his African 
 neighbors, he pretended to dig up some of the hidden treas- 
 ures. Immediately it was reported in the neighborhood that 
 Blackbeard's money, or some other fellow's, was buried in old 
 Davy Smith's lot. Dave made his appearance, to answer in- 
 quiries on this subject, with his arm in a sling. He made a 
 full confirmation of the report, remarking that he had hurt 
 his hand, and was unable to dig; but he was ready to grant 
 digging permits to as many colored persons as would choose 
 to undertake the work, each to pay the wily Davy one dollar 
 for the privilege, — the finder to have all the money he should 
 dig up. Ten able-bodied colored men joyfully accepted these 
 terms, and went to work with the energy of California gold- 
 hunters, making the earth fly as it does when the ground is 
 raked by a cannon-ball. Old Davy stood by to encourage 
 them, exclaiming, once in a while, " Steam up, darkies, — 
 shovel away ! Haw, haw, haw, haw ! How de niggers am 
 a-going it ! You will come to de money bimeby," &c. Af- 
 ter about two hours and a half, the industrious fellows had 
 excavated a square hole, six feet deep, and long and wide 
 enough for Davy's purpose. " Dat will do, niggers; haw, 
 haw, haw ! " cried Davy. " Some people hab to spend money 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 365 
 
 to get dar cellars dug, but I have mine dug for noffin', and 
 git paid ten dollars for 'lowing de niggers to do it ! " Find- 
 ing that they had been swindled, the money-diggers fell on 
 David, pitched him in, and commenced covering him up with 
 as much activity as they had just shown in throwing out the 
 dirt. A policeman happened to pass, when nothing but the 
 old sinner's woolly pate w T as visible ; and, although the officer 
 used all possible speed in getting him out, David's immortal 
 spirit had nearly left the body before he could be released 
 from his unpleasant predicament. 
 
 PRINCIPLE. 
 
 Pelisson was on the point of abjuring Calvinism, when the 
 Duke de Montausier told Madame de Scudery, on the part 
 of the king, that, if Pelisson became Catholic, he would be 
 appointed preceptor to the Dauphin, and president a mortier. 
 This conversation was soon reported to Pelisson, who, for that 
 reason, determined not to return to the established church. 
 
 TO the most honest. 
 
 The minister Morus, who had made a Latin poem to the 
 honor of the Venetian republic, had received for it a magnifi- 
 cent gold chain. At his death he left it, by his will, to 
 Pelisson, as the most honest man he knew. 
 
 An Irishman, a day or two since, who had been often and 
 profitably employed as a stevedore, was observed gazing at a 
 steam-engine that was whizzing away at a swift rate, doing 
 his work for him, and lifting the cotton out from the hold of 
 a ship quicker than you can say "Jack Robinson." Pat 
 31=* 
 
366 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 looked till his anger was pretty well up, and then, shaking 
 his fist at the tarnal critter, he exclaimed, " Choog, choog, 
 choog, spet, stame it and be bothered, ye child of Satan, that 
 ye are ! Ye may do the work o' twenty-five fellies, — ye 
 may take the bread out iv an honest Irishman's mouth, — but 
 by the powers, now, ye can't vote, old blazer, mind that, will 
 ye!" 
 
 A lemonless Irishman was observed one evening slicing a 
 potato into his hot w T hiskey -toddy. " Why, what are you 
 about?" inquired Charley. "It's punch I'm making, 
 dear," quietly replied Pat. "And what are you slicing 
 that in for?" "To give it a flavor, honey." "What! a 
 potato flavor? " " Sure, and is n r t a flavor a flavor, whether 
 it 's lemon or pitaty ?" 
 
 An account was lately published of the lynching of a man 
 named McCoy, in Pike county, Alabama, on the ground that 
 he was an abolitionist. The same man was afterwards 
 mobbed at Hockelty, in the same state. A committee of 
 the citizens waited on him, obtained evidence that he had 
 talked abolitionism, and forthwith ducked him under the spout 
 of the town-pump, and then rode him out of town on a rail. 
 
 Not long since, in South Carolina, a clergyman was preach- 
 ing on the disobedience of Jonah, when commanded to go and 
 preach to the Ninevites. After expatiating for some length 
 of time on the truly awful consequence of disobedience to the 
 divine commands, he exclaimed, in a voice of thunder, that 
 passed through the congregation like an electric shock, "And 
 are there any Jonahs here?" There was a negro present, 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 3G7 
 
 whose name was Jonah ; who, thinking himself called on, 
 immediately arose, and, turning up his white eye to the 
 preacher, with his broadest grin and best bow, answered, 
 " Here be one, Massa." 
 
 HUMANITY. 
 
 As soon as the field of battle was clear, Louis XV., in 
 order to inspire the dauphin with the same horror which he 
 himself had, even for a just war, caused him to go over it. 
 The young prince, shuddering, saw in reality what he had 
 only seen in history. At this horrid spectacle, the dauphin 
 melted. The king said to him, " Learn, my son, how much 
 a victory is costly and painful." This trait, whatever may 
 have been the faults of Louis XV., most certainly is a most 
 honorable record. A similar sentiment of Bonaparte, in his 
 celebrated letter to the arch-duke, is as glorious to that com- 
 mander as even the laurels of Lodi or Marengo. 
 
 SHARP REPARTEE. 
 
 A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows 
 riding that way, one of them called to him, with an insolent 
 air, "Well, honest fellow," said he, "'tis your business to 
 sow, but we reap the fruits of your labor." To which the 
 countryman replied, " 'T is very like you may, for I am sow- 
 ing hemp." 
 
 Foote's Othello, it is said, was a masterpiece of burlesque ; 
 but it fell very far short of the Hamlet, which he attempted 
 in the early part of his life. He went through the play tol- 
 
368 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 erably well until lie came to the last ; but in the scene where 
 he quarrels with Laertes, — 
 
 " What is the reason you use me thus ? 
 I loved you ever, — but 't is no matter ; 
 Let Hercules himself do what he may, 
 The cat will mew, the dog will have his day ; " 
 
 stimulated by a desire to distinguish himself, he entered so 
 much into the quarrel as to throw him out of the words, and 
 he spoke it thus : " I loved you ever; but 'tis no matter. 
 Let Hercules himself do what he may, the dog will mew, — 
 no, the cat ; the cat will bark, — no, that 7 s the dog ; the 
 dog will mew,— no, that 's the cat ; the cat will, — no, the 
 dog, the cat, the dow, — pshaw ! pho ! — it 's something about 
 mewing and barking ; but, as I hope to be saved, ladies and 
 gentlemen, I know nothing more cf the matter." 
 
 NOT HALF WAY TO THE BOTTOM. 
 
 A gentleman riding down a steep hill, and fearing the 
 foot of it was unsound, called out to a clown who was ditch- 
 ing, and asked him if it was hard at the bottom. u Ay," 
 answered the countryman, "it is hard enough at the bottom, 
 I warrant you." But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up 
 to the saddle-girths, which made the gentleman whip, spur, 
 and swear. " Why, thou rascal ! " said he, "didst thou not 
 tell me it was hard at the bottom?" "Ay," replied the 
 fellow, " but you are not half way to the bottom yet." 
 
 To be sold, a threshing-machine, in good working order ; 
 has birch, cane, and strap barrels ; warranted to whip a school 
 of fifty boys in twenty minutes, distinguishing their offences 
 
ONB THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 369 
 
 into literary, moral, and impertinent. Only parted Avith be- 
 cause the owner has flogged all his school away, and his sons 
 are too big to beat. Apply at the College of Preceptors. 
 
 A PUBLIC dinner in England had dwindled away to two 
 guests, an Englishman and a Highland gentleman, who were 
 each trying to prove the superiority of their native countries. 
 Of course, at an argument of this kind, a Scotchman pos- 
 ses, from constant practice, overwhelming advantages. 
 The Highlander's logic was so good that he beat his opponent 
 on every point. At last, the Englishman put a poser. " You 
 will." he said. :; at least admit that England is larger in ex- 
 tent than Scotland?" '*' Certainly not/' 7 was the confident 
 reply: ,; you see. sir. ours is a mountainous, yours is a flat, 
 country. Xow. if all our hills were rolled out flat, we should 
 beat you by hundreds of square miles." 
 
 A gentleman crossing one of the Xew York ferries was 
 sted by one of those peripatetic vendors of cheap litera- 
 ture and weekly newspapers who are to be found in shoals 
 : all our public places, with. " Buy Bulwers last work, 
 sir I — only two shillmY' The gentleman, willing to have a 
 laugh with the urchin, said, "Why, I am Bulwer, myself! " 
 Off went the lad. and, whispering to another, at a little dis- 
 tance, exci wonderment at the information he had to 
 impart. Eying the pretended author of Pelham with a kind 
 of awe. he approached him timidly, and, holding out a pam- 
 :1, modestly, " Buy the Women of England, sir? 
 not Mrs. Ellis, are you ? " Of course, the proposed 
 
370 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 DEAN SWIFT'S OPINION OF FAULTS. 
 
 Dean Swift had a shoulder of mutton brought up for his 
 dinner too much done : he sent for the cook, and told her to 
 take the mutton down, and do it less. " Please your honor, 
 I cannot do it less." " But," says the dean, "if it had not 
 been done enough, you could have done it more, could you 
 not?" " 0, yes; very easily." "Why, then," says the 
 dean, " for the future, when you commit a fault, let it be 
 such a one as can be mended." 
 
 NO STOPPING A WOMAN'S TONGUE. 
 
 Among many others who were brought before the Bir- 
 mingham magistrates, during the late disturbances, was a 
 woman charged with encouraging the rioters, and uttering 
 some bitter maledictions against the millers and bakers ; but, 
 it appearing that she was the wife of a very poor man, and 
 the mother of several small children, the magistrates, unwill- 
 ing to detach her from the care of five little starvelings, asked 
 if she had anybody to speak to her character ; — when no 
 one appearing but her husband, he was ordered to take care 
 that in future she should be more cautious in the exercise of 
 that unruly member, her tongue. "That I cannot, gentle- 
 men," said the poor fellow; "the devil cannot stop her 
 tongue, and I have long since found it necessary, for my own 
 peace, to decline every attempt of the kind ! " 
 
 Mr.. Fox, on his late canvass, having accosted a blunt 
 tradesman, whom he solicited for his vote, the man answered, 
 "I cannot give you my support; I admire your abilities , 
 but not your principles" Mr. Fox smartly replied, "My 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 371 
 
 friend. I applaud you for your sincerity, but your man- 
 ners I don't like." 
 
 At a late election, a gentleman met an old acquaintance 
 walking towards the hustings. " So you are going to vote," 
 said he. "for that sad dog, Charles Fox? " The other coolly 
 replied, (; I am determined, sir, to give Mr. Fox my vote, 
 not because he is a sad dog, but for a better reason — he is 
 a good house-dog ; I mean, a good House-of -Commons 
 dog, — and while we have him there to guard our liberties, 
 we shall have little reason to apprehend any danger from 
 court wolves or ministerial tigers. 77 
 
 ANECDOTE OF PARSON PATEN. 
 
 Parson Paten was so much averse to the Athanasian 
 Creed that he would never read it. Archbishop Seeker, hav- 
 ing been informed of his recusancy, sent the archdeacon to 
 ask him his reason. li I do not believe it, 77 said the priest. 
 " But your metropolitan does, 7 ' replied the archdeacon. " It 
 may be so, 77 rejoined Mr. Paten; " and he can well afford it; 
 he believes at the rate of seven thousand a year, and I only 
 at that of fifty pounds. 77 
 
 A TRUE KING. 
 When Dr. Franklin applied to the King of Prussia to lend 
 his assistance to America, --'Pray, doctor, 77 says the veteran, 
 " what is the object you mean to attain? 77 " Liberty, sire, 77 
 replied the philosopher of Philadelphia; ••liberty! — that 
 freedom which is the birthright of man. 77 The king, after a 
 short pause, made this memorable and kingly answer : "I 
 was born a prince : I am become a king ; and I will not use 
 the power which I possess to the ruin of my own trade. 77 
 
372 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ARMS. 
 
 The Duchess of Kingston, who was remarkable for having 
 a very high sense of her own dignity, being one day detained 
 in her carriage by a cart of coals that was unloading in the 
 street, she leaned with both her arms upon the door, and 
 asked the fellow, "How dare you, sirrah, stop a woman of 
 quality in the street? " " Woman of quality 1 77 replied the 
 man. "Yes, fellow, 7 ' rejoined her grace; "don't you see 
 my arms upon my carriage? " "Yes, I do, indeed, 77 says 
 he, "and a pair of plaguy coarse arms they are. 77 
 
 POPULAR JUSTICE. 
 Two Jews, old clothesmen, with venerable beards, were 
 passing by a stable-door near Tottenham-court Road, one 
 Friday, when a couple of jackets so fascinated them that they 
 could not resist the temptation to give them a place with their 
 own wares. While they were secreting the jackets, the two 
 owners, who were drinking porter on the opposite side of the 
 way, were observing the transaction. They rushed out, 
 seized the Rabbis, locked them up in the stable, and went in 
 quest of certain preparations which promised better things 
 than a jail, or lawyer's wig, or even a fine. They then tied 
 the Rabbis together, matted their beards, and smeared them 
 with warm shoemaker's wax. As soon as the wax was cooled, 
 and the people around had enjoyed sufficiently the sight of 
 the venerable patriarchs in this fraternal embrace, the postil- 
 ions applied to each nose by intervals a few pinches of 
 snuff, which occasioned such a concussion of noses, and such 
 sputtering, that, of five hundred spectators, there was not 
 one who did not depart highly pleased with this spectacle of 
 distributive justice. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 373 
 
 A physician ordered his patient to live higher, — that is, 
 more freely. The poor man mistook the doctor, and removed 
 to the garret, where he unfortunately expired before the 
 doctor's next visit. 
 
 A jockey being asked by another if he could ride well 
 upon a saddle, and being answered in the affirmative, " That 
 is well," replied the former ; "for then you have no need of 
 a horse." 
 
 A person abusing another to Peter Pindar, said he was 
 so insufferably dull that if you said a good thing he did not 
 understand it. "Pray, sir," says Peter, "did you ever try 
 him?" 
 
 A native of one of the Hebrides being joked about the 
 smallness of his island, the most central place not being four 
 miles from the sea, an Irishman in company joined in the 
 laugh, exultingly swearing "that no part of old Ireland was 
 half so near it." 
 
 One of our daily prints lately informed us that an additional 
 number of patrols are to be appointed, to prevent the rob- 
 beries that happened last winter about the metropolis. 
 
 A man, being reproved for swearing, replied he did not 
 know there was any harm in it. " No harm in it ! " said a 
 person present; "why, don't you know the commandment, 
 ' Swear not at all ' ? " " Why, I do not swear at all, " re- 
 plied he ; "I only swear at those who offend me." 
 
374 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 DRAWINGS OF CORK. 
 
 Jack Bannister, praising the hospitality of the Irish, 
 after his return from one of his trips to the sister kingdom, 
 was asked if he had been in Cork. "No," replied the wit; 
 " but I saw a great many drawings of it." 
 
 EPITAPH ON A BLACKSMITH. 
 
 My sledge and hamtrter lie reclined ; 
 My bellows, too, have lost their wind ; 
 My fire 's extinct, my forge decayed, 
 And in the dust my vice is laid ; 
 My coal is spent, my iron 's gone ; 
 My nails are drove, my work is done. 
 
 THE KING IN A SQUABBLE. 
 
 A recruiting-sergeant, addressing an honest country 
 bumpkin in one of the streets of Manchester with, " Come, 
 my lad, thou 'It fight for thy king, won't thou? " " Voight 
 for my king," answered Hodge; "why, has he fawn out 
 wi' onybody?" 
 
 A WIDOW REQUIRES PICKLING. 
 
 Dr. James was sent for to a widow lady who was not very 
 well, who asked him if sea-bathing would not be a very good 
 thing for her. " Why, yes, madam, if a widow won't keep 
 without being salted." 
 
 A chimney-sweeper in a certain borough town, being 
 one of the last voters at a violently-contested election, was 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 375 
 
 strongly pressed by each candidate to honor him with his 
 vote. The fellow, who was for some time at a loss to tell 
 which fine gentleman most merited his suffrage, at last recol- 
 lecting that he had often heard of kissing hands amongst the 
 great folks, declared that he would not vote for either, unless 
 they would kiss his hand. One of them accordingly came 
 forward, and, having vainly endeavored to persuade the sweep 
 to dispense with so disagreeable a ceremonjfoctually saluted 
 his sooty fingers. After which, confidently claiming the 
 expected reward, " No, no ! 7J says the chimney-sweeper, " i 
 shan't vote for you ; for I am very sure he that would kis^ 
 my hand would rob me." 
 
 Some Irish laborers having lately dug a pit in the Found- 
 ling Fields, one of them fell into it ; when another imme- 
 diately procured a cord, and, letting it down with a slip-knot, 
 got it round his countryman's neck, and pulled him up, 
 nearly strangled ! 
 
 AN EAST INDIAN MAJOR LONGBOW. 
 
 An old East Indian, who had returned from Calcutta with 
 a large fortune and a liver complaint, had retired to his native 
 place (Banffshire), and was availing himself, one evening, of 
 the usual privilege of travellers to a very large extent. His 
 Scotch friends listened to his Major Longbows with an air 
 of perfect belief, till, at last, the worthy nabob happened to 
 say that in a particular part of India it was usual to fatten 
 horses upon the flesh of sheep's heads, reduced to a pulp and 
 mixed with rice. " ! " exclaimed all his auditors, with one 
 voice ; " 0, that will never do ! We can believe all the rest ; 
 
376 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 but, really, feeding horses upon sheep's heads is too bad," 
 " Well, gentlemen," said the man of the East, "I assure 
 you that my story about the horses is the only bit of truth 
 that I have told you this evening ! " 
 
 AN ATHENIAN AND A SPARTAN. 
 
 An Athenian fut five questions to a Spartan, and received 
 five answers to them : 
 
 Question. What walls do you like best ? 
 
 Answer. Those that will defend themselves. 
 
 Q. Why did Lycurgus give no written laws at all ? 
 
 A. Because good manners need no laws. 
 
 Q. Why do you make use of such heavy money ? 
 
 A. Because men should be the sooner weary of it. 
 
 Q. Why do you wear such short daggers ? 
 
 A. To be so much nearer the enemy. 
 
 Q. And why such short speeches ? 
 
 A. To bring one another sooner to the point. 
 
 GROSVENOR HOUSE. 
 
 When Grosvenor House, Millbank, was the extreme house 
 on one of the ways leading out of London, somebody asked 
 another, in passing, " Who lives in it ? " " Lord Grosvenor," 
 was the reply. "I do not know what estate his lordship 
 has," said the querist; "but he ought to have a good one, 
 for nobody lives beyond him in the whole town." 
 
 Don't moralize to a man who is on his back. Help him 
 up, see him firmly on his feet, and then give him advice and 
 means. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 377 
 
 More pleasing than the dew-drops that sparkle upon roses, 
 are the tears that pity gathers upon the cheek of beauty. 
 
 At Lowell, music is universally studied, and everybody 
 learns to sing. So should it be everywhere. Sing with the 
 voice, the heart, and the understanding also. 
 
 Dean Swift says he never knew a man to rise to eminence 
 who lay in bed of a morning; and Dr. Franklin says, " He 
 who rises late may trot all day, but never overtake his 
 
 business." 
 
 SUPERSCRIPTION OF A LETTER LATELY SENT BY THE POST. 
 
 Ye men of letters, keepers of the seal, 
 
 Whose care contributes to the public weal, 
 
 Securely guard me, and with speed convey. 
 
 And thanks, with sixpence, shall yuur pains repay 
 
 To Mr. Holt, in Newark, I am sent, — 
 
 Mind, no mistake, sirs, Newark-upon-Trent. 
 
 THE DYING MISER. 
 
 A miser, drawing near his end, 
 
 Was by his doctor urged to send 
 
 (As he to cure had failed in skill) 
 
 For Proctor Page, to make his will. 
 
 The will drawn up in usual form, — 
 " I give," — Gripus began to storm, — 
 " Give ? not a sixpence will I give 
 
 To mortal being, while I live ! " 
 " Then, sir, to whom bequeath your pelf? " 
 " To whom ? " quoth Gripus ; " to myself ! " 
 " Sir, sir, if you will not declare, 
 
 The law will speedy find an heir." 
 " You're cursed mistaken, Mr. Proctor, 
 
 As much as in my case the doctor ; 
 
 My wealth is hid so safe, d' ye mind it, 
 
 That law nor devil e'er shall find it." 
 
 32* 
 
378 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 Grave Physic stared, the lawyer sighed, 
 Old Gripus grinned, and groaned, and died ; 
 When doctor, proctor, strange to see, 
 Their exit made — without a fee. 
 
 The Count de Villa Medina being at church one day, and 
 finding there a religious who begged for the souls in purga- 
 tory, he gave him a piece of gold. " Ah! my lord," said 
 the good father, "you have now delivered a soul." The 
 count threw upon the plate another piece. " Here is another 
 soul delivered," said the religious. "Are you positive of 
 it? " replied the count. " Yes, my lord," replied the monk ; 
 "I am certain they are now in heaven." " Then," said the 
 count, "I'll take back my money, for it signifies nothing to 
 you now ; seeing the souls are already got to heaven, there 
 can be no danger of their returning again to purgatory." 
 And he immediately gave the pieces to the poor that were 
 standing by. 
 
 " I think," said Mrs. Partington, getting up from the 
 breakfast-table, " I will take a tower, or go upon a discursion. 
 The bill says, if I collect rightly, that a party is to go to a 
 very plural spot, and to mistake of a cold collection. I hope 
 it won't be so cold as ours for the poor, last {Sunday ; why, 
 there warn't efficient to buy a feet of wood for a restitute 
 widder." And the old lady put on her calash. 
 
 NIMROD AND RAMROD. 
 
 A gentleman, who thought his sons consumed too much 
 time in hunting and shooting, gave them the appellation of 
 Nimrod and Ramrod. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 379 
 
 NO STRANGER OF ME. 
 
 A parson, tsIio had a scolding wife) one day brought home 
 a brother clergyman to dinner. Having gone into a separate 
 apartment to talk to his spouse about the repast, she attacked 
 and abused him for bringing a parcel of idle fellows to eat up 
 their income. The parson, provoked at her behavior, said, in 
 a pretty loud tone, i: If it were not for the stranger, I would 
 give you a good drubbing.' 7 "0 ! 77 cried the visitor, "I 
 beg you will make no stranger of me. 7 ' 
 
 THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS. 
 
 When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne 
 wrote a prescription for him. The next day, the doctor, com- 
 ing to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his pre- 
 scription. Ci jSTo^ truly, doctor, 77 said Nash; " if I had, I 
 should have broken my neck, for I threw it out of a two-pair- 
 of-stairs window. 77 
 
 Lovers must not trust too implicitly to their visual organs. 
 A tender swain once reproached his inamorata with suffering 
 a rival to kiss her hand, a fact which she indignantly denied. 
 " But I saw it. 77 u Nay, then, 77 cried the offended fair, " I 
 am now convinced you do not love me, since you believe your 
 eyes in preference to my word. 77 
 
 A Yankee has just invented a method to catch rats. He 
 Bays, *• Locate your bed in a room much infested by these 
 animals, and. on retiring, put out the light. Then strew 
 over your pillow some strong-smelling cheese, three or four 
 
380 
 
 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 red herrings, some barley-meal or new malt, and a sprinkling 
 of dried codfish. Keep awake till you find the rats at work, 
 then make a grab." 
 
 A certain German professor having a child at a very 
 advanced period of his age, which he baptized with the name 
 of Adam, and a wit hearing of it, he observed the professor 
 had begun well with the first letter of the alphabet, but that 
 it was too late at his time of day to go through it. 
 
 MUNCEB, 
 
 The speech of this celebrated Anabaptist demagogue to the 
 populace of Mulhausen, in 1524, resembles very much some 
 of the harangues since made in the French Convention, ex- 
 cepting that Muncer thought fit to add the fanaticism of reli- 
 gion to the extremes t enthusiasm of republicanism. 
 
 "Are ye not all brethren, my friends," said he, " and have 
 not we all one common father in Adam? From whence, 
 then, arises that difference of rank and property which tyr- 
 anny has introduced between the nobility and ourselves? 
 Why should we groan under poverty, while they abound in 
 every kind of luxury ? Have we not a right to an equality 
 of those good things which from their nature are made to be 
 divided, without distinction, amongst all mankind ? Restore 
 to us, then, ye rich of the present times, ye greedy usurpers, 
 restore to us the property that you have so long unjustly 
 detained from us ! It is not only as we are men, but as we 
 are Christians, that we have a right to the equal distribution 
 of the good things of this world. In the earliest times of the 
 Christian religion, was it not seen that the apostles themselves 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 381 
 
 had regard to the wants of each of the faithful, in the distri- 
 bution of the money that was brought to their feet ? Shall 
 we never see a return of those blessed times ? The Almighty 
 requires of all mankind that they should destroy the tyranny 
 of the rulers ; that they should demand their liberties, sword 
 in hand ; that they should refuse to pay taxes ; and that they 
 should bring all that they possess into one common stock. 
 Yes, my brethren, it is to my feet that ye ought to bring 
 everything you possess, as our predecessors of old brought all 
 they had to the feet of the apostles. Yes, my brethren, to 
 have everything in common was the very spirit of Christianity 
 at its very birth, and to refuse to pay taxes to our princes, 
 who oppress us, is to free ourselves from that state of slavery 
 from wilich the Saviour of the world has delivered us." 
 
 By harangues of this kind, Muncer soon found himself at 
 the head of forty thousand troops. The Landgrave of Hesse, 
 and many of the neighboring nobility, raised troops and at- 
 tacked Muncer. The impostor, however, nothing daunted, 
 made a speech to his troops, and promised them an entire vic- 
 tory. " Everything," said he to his followers, "must yield 
 to the Most High, who has placed me at the head of you. In 
 vain the enemy's artillery shall thunder against you ; in vain, 
 ndeed, for I will receive in the sleeve of my gown every bul- 
 let that shall be shot against you, and that alone shall be an 
 impenetrable rampart against all the efforts of the enemy." 
 Muncer, however, was not so good as his word ; his troops 
 were defeated, himself taken prisoner and carried to Mulhau- 
 sen, where he perished on a scaffold in 1525. 
 
 Make not a servant a confidant, for if he find out that you 
 dare not displease him, he will dare to displease you. 
 
882 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A CURIOUS HANDBILL. 
 
 Thomas Touchwood, Gent., proposes on the last day of 
 this present November to shoot himself by subscription. His 
 life being of no further use to himself or his friends, he takes 
 this method of endeavoring to turn his death to some account ; 
 and the novelty of the performance, he hopes, will merit the 
 attention and patronage of the public. He will perform with 
 two pistols, — the first shot to be directed through the abdo- 
 men, to which will be added another through the brain ; the 
 whole to conclude with staggering, convulsions, grinning, &c, 
 in a manner never before publicly attempted. 
 
 The doors to be opened at eight, and the exhibition to begin 
 precisely at nine. Particular places, for that night only, 
 reserved for the ladies. No money to be returned, or half- 
 price taken. 
 
 N. B. Beware of counterfeits and impostors. The person 
 who advertises to hang himself the same night, in opposition 
 to Mr. Touchwood, is a tailor, who intends only to give the 
 representation of death by dancing in a collar, — an attempt 
 infinitely inferior to Mr. T.'s original and authentic perform- 
 ance. 
 
 SCRIPTURE AUTHORITY. 
 
 A Quaker married a woman of the Church of England. 
 -After the ceremony, the vicar asked for his fees, which he said 
 were a crown. The Quaker, astonished at the demand, said 
 if he would show him any text in the Scriptures which proved 
 his fees were a crown, he would give it unto him ; upon which 
 the vicar directly turned to the twelfth chapter of Proverbs, 
 verse 4th, where it is said, " A virtuous woman is a crown 
 to her husband/' "Thou art right," replied the Quaker, 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 1 : in thy assertion ; Solomon was a wise man ; here are the 
 five twelvepenny pieces, and something besides to buy thee a 
 pair of gloves." 
 
 PRESSING REASON. 
 
 A sponger was reproached, one day, for dining so often 
 among his friends. "What would you have me to do?" 
 answered he ; ( 'Iam pressed to do it." " True," answered 
 Monk Lewis, " there is nothing more pressing than hunger." 
 
 ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER. 
 
 Buck, the player at York, was asked how he came to turn 
 his coat twice. He replied, smartly, that "one good turn 
 deserved another." 
 
 ON A BAD SERVANT, BUT A GOOD NURSE. 
 
 Says Dick to his friend, " I 'd turn Mary away ; 
 
 She hath not a quality worthy her pay." 
 " No," says he, " I will not, I shan't get such another, 
 
 For she constantly nursed both my father and mother. ' ■ 
 " That 's my view to discharge her, would you keep your breath, 
 
 As she nursed both your father and mother to death. ' • 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Young Strephon, ravished by a smile 
 From Chloe, in a public place, 
 
 Exclaimed, in a theatric style, 
 
 " Nature ne'er formed so fair a face." 
 
 By chance the fool was in the right — 
 
 'T was patches, paint, and candle-light. 
 
384 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 DIALOGUE BETWEEN AN ENGLISH GENTLEMAN AND AN 
 IRISH INNKEEPER. 
 
 Eng. Gent. Holloa, house ! 
 
 Innkeeper. I don't know any one of that name. 
 
 Gent. Are you the master of the inn ? 
 
 Inn. Yes ; sir, please your honor, when my wife 's from 
 home. 
 
 Gent. Have you a bill of fare ? 
 
 Inn. Yes, sir; the fairs of Mullingar and Ballinasloe 
 are the next week. 
 
 Gent. I see. How are your beds ? 
 
 Inn. Very well, I thank you, sir. 
 
 Gent. Have you any mountain 1 
 
 Inn. Yes, sir; this country's full of mountains. 
 
 Gent. I mean a kind of wine. 
 
 Inn. Yes, sir ; all kinds, from Irish white wine [butter- 
 milk] to Burgundy. 
 
 Gent. Have you any porter ? 
 
 Inn. Yes, sir ; Pat is an excellent porter ; he '11 go any- 
 where. 
 
 Gent. No ; I mean porter to drink. 
 
 Inn. 0, sir, he'd drink the ocean, — never fear him for 
 that. 
 
 Gent. Have you any fish ? 
 
 Inn. They call myself an odd fish. 
 
 Gent. I think so ; I hope you 're no sharp. 
 
 Inn. No, sir, indeed ; I am not a lawyer. 
 
 Gent. Have you any soals ? 
 
 Inn. For your boots or shoes, sir ? 
 
 Gent. Psha ! have you any plaice ? 
 
 Inn. No, sir ; but I was promised one, if I would vote for 
 Mr. B. 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 385 
 
 Gent. Have you any wild fowl ? 
 
 Inn. They are tame enough now, for they have been 
 killed these three days. 
 
 Gent. I must see myself. 
 
 Inn. And welcome, sir ; I "11 fetch you the looking-glass. 
 
 Talent is an eye-sore to tyranny. In weakness, tyranny 
 fears it as a power ; in power, it hates it as a liberty. 
 
 No person is obliged to say all he thinks, but both duty 
 and self-interest forbid him to make false pretences. 
 
 A gentleman who had become somewhat dilapidated got 
 into a way of living a little on his friends. Among the rest, 
 he visited an old acquaintance and stayed six or seven days 
 with him, when the gentleman feigned a falling out with his 
 wife, by which means their fare at the table was very slender. 
 The guest, perceiving their drift, but not knowing where to 
 go to better himself, remarked, "Well, I have been here 
 seven days, and have not before seen any quarrel between 
 you ; I am now resolved to stay seven more, in order to see 
 you friends again. 7 ' 
 
 DUBIOUS ADVERTISEMENT FOR A HUSBAND, BY A LADY OF 
 
 CONSIDERABLE FORTUNE. 
 i 
 
 He must be young, as amorous as Jove, as brave as Julius 
 Csesar or Alexander, as just as Aristides, as handsome as 
 Adonis, as musical as Orpheus or Apollo, as wise as Ulysses, 
 as eloquent as Cicero or Demosthenes, as great a philosopher 
 as Socrates, as subtle a logician as Aristotle or Zeno, as rigid 
 33 
 
386 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 as a stoiCj yet occasionally as much addicted to pleasure as 
 Epicurus ; he must possess the learning of Homer, with the 
 sweetness of Virgil, the wit and pleasantry of Horace, and 
 the lively imagination of Shakspeare; he must also be as 
 great a natural philosopher as Bacon or Newton. He must 
 indulge all the lady's caprices ; understand all the following 
 languages, the dead as well as the living : Hebrew, Arabic, 
 Persian, Greek, Latin, French, Italian, Spanish, English, 
 Irish, Scotch, High Dutch, German, Russian, Prussian, Da- 
 nish, Flemish, Swedish, Turkish, Gentoo, Hindoo, Chinese, 
 &c. &c. Whoever thinks he is possessed of the above requi- 
 sites may apply to the printer of the M P , where 
 
 he will be informed of further particulars respecting this lady 
 and her immense fortune. 
 
 P. S. The preference will be given to an Irishman. 
 
 MR. FOX 5 S ESTIMATE OF THE FRENCH CHARACTER. 
 
 In one of the latter days of Fox, the conversation turned 
 on the comparative wisdom of the French and English char- 
 acter. "The Frenchman," it was observed, " delights him- 
 self with the present ; the Englishman makes himself anxious 
 about the future ; is not the Frenchman the wiser? " " He 
 may be the merrier," said Fox ; " but did you ever hear of a 
 savage who did not buy a mirror in preference to a telescope ? " 
 
 KITES. 
 
 Boys fly kites for recreation, and men for other motives ; 
 the first require the wind to raise the kite, the second the 
 kite to raise the wind. 
 
OKB THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 387 
 
 UPRIGHT JUDGE. 
 
 Judge Richardson, in going the western circuit, had a 
 great stone thrown at him, which, as he happened to stoop at 
 the instant, passed clear over his head. " You see," he said 
 to the friends who congratulated him on his escape, " you 
 see, if I had been an upright judge, I had been slain." 
 
 SOBER AS A JUDGE. 
 
 At the last Old Bailey sessions three men were convicted 
 of robbing James Atkins of a five-pound note and other prop- 
 erty. It appeared that the prosecutor had been just paid 
 off, and that, sailing up Drury Lane, an old shipmate hove 
 in sight, — he treated him, and accompanied him to Dyot- 
 street, St. Giles, where he met the others ; a quarrel ensued, 
 and in the skirmish the prosecutor lost his money. On his 
 cross-examination, he was asked by the counsellor if he was 
 not intoxicated. He replied, if any man meant to insinuate 
 he was drunk, he was a sioabber ; that he had only taken six 
 glasses, and was as sober as a judge. Mr. Justice Heath 
 afterwards asked him (the witness) the following questions : 
 
 Judge. At the time when the robbery was committed, 
 were you quite sober ? 
 
 Witness. I was, please your lordship, as sober as a 
 judge. 
 
 Judge. How much had you drank at this time ? 
 
 Witness. Please your- lordship, I had not drank above 
 eight glasses, all the day. 
 
 This answer, of course, excited great astonishment, and a 
 good deal of laughter. The dialogue proceeded : 
 
 Jitdge. Was not this sufficient to make you drunk ? 
 
388 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 Witness. No, please your lordship, nor twice as much. 
 The effect of this answer was such as might be expected — 
 a burst of laughter succeeded. 
 
 SHERIDAN. 
 When Sheridan's life was to be insured, Mr. Aaron Gra- 
 ham, the magistrate, was applied to, in order to know whether 
 Mr. Sheridan was at that period living a more regular life 
 than usual. " I believe he is," said the justiee ; " but, under- 
 stand me, — I think he is more regularly tipsy every night 
 nolo than he has been for several years past." 
 
 Cooper once slurred a certain governor, by attributing the 
 disease in potatoes to the mortification they felt at seeing so 
 small a member of their family in the gubernatorial chair ! 
 
 Old Mr. Worthy says he likes to see young ladies walking 
 the streets on Sunday in their silks with holes in their stock- 
 ings, as it proves they are more attentive to things above 
 than below. 
 
 GONSALVO, THE GREAT CAPTAIN, 
 
 Was a man of great presence of mind. When, in some 
 mutiny amongst his troops, one of the soldiers presented his 
 halberd to his breast, he gently turned it aside with his hand. 
 " Comrade," said he, "take care that in playing with that 
 weapon you do not wound your general." On some other 
 mutiny, for want of pay, on Gonsalvo's expressing his inabil- 
 
OHS THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ity to give it to them, one of the soldiers advanced to him, 
 and said, in a menacing tone, " General, deliver up your 
 daughter to us, and then we can pay ourselves. " The gen- 
 eral, affecting not to hear him amidst the clamor of the troops, 
 took no notice of it at the time, but in the night he took care 
 to have him apprehended, and had him hung from a window, 
 from which all the army might see the body. 
 
 Gonsalvo took Naples by storm in the year 1503 ; and 
 when some of his soldiers expressed their disapprobation at 
 not having had a sufficient share in the spoil of that rich city, 
 Gonsalvo nobly replied, "I will repair your bad fortune; gc 
 to my apartments, take there all you can find, — I give it all 
 into your hands."' 
 
 Gonsalvo, for some time before he died, retired to a con- 
 vent, giving as a reason for his conduct that there should be 
 some time for serious reflection between the life of a soldier 
 and his death. 
 
 A fellow, going to sleep, put a brass pot under his head ; 
 and finding it hard, stuffed it with feathers, and so lay on it 
 with confidence of softness. 
 
 COLUMBUS. 
 
 The will of this great man is still extant m the archives of 
 Genoa, in which city he was born. The most early life of 
 him is to be met with in a book printed at Genoa in 1516, 
 entitled '-Psalteriiim Hebrceum Grcecum, $•£., cum tribus 
 Interpretationibus," by Agostino Giustiniani. It occurs in 
 a note on this verse of the Psalms: "Coeli enarrant glo- 
 ria m Dei.'' 
 
 33* 
 
390 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 In one of the letters which Columbus wrote to the King of 
 Spain, from his fleet, then lying before Jamaica, he has this 
 . remarkable passage : " The wealth that I have discovered will 
 rouse mankind to pillage and to violence, and will revenge 
 the wrongs which I have suffered. The Spanish nation itself 
 will perhaps suffer one day for the crimes that its malignity, 
 its ingratitude, and its envy, is now committing. " 
 
 One of Columbus' immediate descendants is said to have 
 married into an English family. A Genoese gentleman of 
 the Durazzo family published, some years ago, an eulogium 
 upon this excellent and extraordinary man, in which there 
 are several particulars relative to him not generally known. 
 Columbus addressed four Jetters to his sovereign, three of 
 which were translated into French some years ago Iby the 
 Chevalier Flavigny ; the fourth is lost. 
 
 Peter Martyr, in his very curious account of Columbus' 
 voyages, tells us that on his landing on the island of Jamaica 
 he immediately caused mass to be said on account of the safe 
 landing of himself and of his followers, and that during the 
 performance of that sacred mystery an old Carib, eighty years 
 of age, attended by several of his countrymen, observed the 
 service with great attention. After it was over, the old man 
 approached Columbus with a basket of fruit in his hand, 
 which he in a very courteous manner presented to him, and 
 by means of an interpreter thus addressed him : " We have 
 been told that you have in a very powerful and surprising 
 manner run over several countries which were before unknown 
 to you, and that you have filled the inhabitants of them with 
 fear and dismay. Wherefore I exhort and desire you to 
 remember that the souls of men, when they are separated 
 from their bodies, have two passages,— the one, horrid and 
 dark, prepared for those who have been troublesome and 
 
ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 391 
 
 inimical to the human race ; the other, pleasant and delight- 
 ful, appointed for those who. whilst they were alive, delighted 
 in the peace and quiet of mankind. Therefore you will do no 
 hurt to any one, if you bear in mind that you are mortal, 
 and that every one will be rewarded or punished in a future 
 state according to his actions in the present one." 
 
 Columbus, by the interpreter, answered the old man that 
 what he had told him respecting the passage of souls after the 
 death of the body had been long known to him and to his 
 countrymen, and that he was much surprised those notions 
 prevailed amongst them, who seemed to be living quite in a 
 state of nature. That he (Columbus) and his followers were 
 sent by the King and Queen of Spain to discover all those 
 parts of the world that had been hitherto unknown, that they 
 might civilize the cannibals and other wild men who lived in 
 these countries, and inflict proper punishments upon thdrn, and 
 that they might defend and honor those persons who were vir- 
 tuous and innocent ; that, therefore, neither himself nor any 
 other Carib, who had no intention of hurting them, had the 
 least reason to fear any violence ; and that he, with his fol- 
 lowers, would avenge any injury that should be offered to 
 him or to any other worthy persons of the island by any 
 of their neighbors. 
 
 The Carib was so pleased with the speech and the manner 
 of Columbus, that, though he was extremely old, he offered 
 to follow Columbus, and would have done so, had not his wife 
 and children prevented him. He appeared w T ith difficulty to 
 understand how T a man of Columbus' dignity and appearance 
 should be under the control of another person ; and became 
 much more astonished w T hen the interpreter explained to him 
 the honor, the pomp, the wealth, of the several sovereigns of 
 Europe, the extent of the country, and the greatness and 
 
892 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 
 
 beauty of the various objects over which they reigned. He 
 became pensive, melancholy, and ; in a flood of tears, asked the 
 interpreter repeatedly whether it were the heavens or the 
 earth which had produced men so superior to themselves as 
 Columbus and his followers. 
 
 ELECTS OF GRACE. 
 
 When the Duke of Orleans hazarded his credit with the 
 Court of Eome, in making his first ecclesiastical appointments 
 conformably to the wishes of the Jansenist party, he said, 
 "The Jansenists will no longer complain of me ; I have 
 given everything to Grace, and nothing to merit." 
 
 HUSH-MONEY. 
 
 Pope received a thousand pounds from the Duchess of 
 Marlborough, on the condition that he would suppress the 
 character" of Atossa — yet it is printed. 
 
 THE LAWYER AND CLIENT. 
 
 Two lawyers, when a knotty case was o'er, 
 
 Shook hands, and were as good friends as before. 
 
 " Zonnds ! " says the losing client, " how came you 
 
 To be such friends, who were such foes just now ? " 
 
 " Thou fool ! " says one ; " we lawyers, though so keen, 
 
 Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what 's between." 
 

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