ILI5ICAYS WIMGED BEAR KENNETH SAWYER ■GOODMAN STAGE GUILD PLAYS EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR THE STAGE GUILD PLAYS & MASQUES By Kenneth Sawyer Goodman DUST OF THE ROAD : A Mid- western Morality in One Act. net 150 THE GAME OF CHESS: A Melodrama in One Act. net 35c BARBARA: An Artificial Com- edy in One Act. net 35c BACK OF THE YARDS: A Play in One Act. net 35c By Kenneth Sawyer Goodman and Thomas Wood SVevens THE MASQUE OF QUETZAL'S BOWL. net 25c A PAGEANT FOR INDE- PENDENCE DAY. net 35c THE MASQUE OF MONTE- ZUMA, net 25c THE DAIMIO'S HEAD, MON- TEZUMA & QUETZAL'S BOWL together, bound in cloth, net $1.00 RYLAND: A Comedy in One Act net 2^c CESAR'S GODS: A Byzantine Masque. net 25c HOLBEIN IN BLACKFRIARS: An Improbable Comedy, net 25c By Wallace Rice and Thomas Wood Stevens THE CHAPLET OF PAN: A Masque. net 35c EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR A CHRISTMAS-EVE NIGHT- MARE IN ONE ACT BY KENNETH SAWYER GOODMAN NEW YORK DONALD C. VAUGHAN MCMXIV Copyright iqi4 by Kenneth Sawyer Goodman All rights reserved ^^C-^^!fL\'SL EPHRAIM AND l^/f THE WINGED BEAR CHARACTERS Ephraim Bumsteeple Bertha, his wife A Maid Edward Sheets A Young Woman, from the streets A Young Man, in a silk hat Notice : Application for permis- sion to perform this play in the United States should be made to The Stage Guild, Railway Ex- change Building, Chicago; and application for permission to per- form it elsewhere should be made to Mr. B. Iden Payne, The Gaiety Theatre, Manchester, England. No performance of it may take place without consent of the owners of the acting rights. JAN 13 1915 ©C1.D 39382 EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR Time: the present. Place: the library of MR. bumsteeple's house; a middle-class room, in a middle-class neighborhood, in a middle-class city, When the curtain rises, EPHRAIM is reluctantly handing a dime to THE MAID, who takes it and goes into the hall. EPHRAIM then turns on bertha, who is embroidering beside the fire-place. He speaks peevishly. EPHRAIM. Bertha, you've made me break an established custom. I — I won't do it again. BERTHA. [in a mild voice] I can't help feeling mean when I turn anyone away, Ephraim. EPHRAIM. [picking up his evening paper] You ought to feel quite the reverse. You ought to take pride in doing the right thing. I most certainly do. BERTHA. But is it the right thing? EPHRAIM. Of course it is. [He sits down in the most comfortable chair and shakes out his paper.] (5) STAGE GUILD PLAYS BERTHA. I'd never think of giving more than a dime at the door. EPHRAiM. And every dime you do give at the door probably means two glasses of beer at the nearest saloon. BERTHA. Maybe it's worse to put hatred and envy into a man's heart than to run the risk of putting a glass of beer into his stomach. EPHRAIM. [laying down the paper and look- ing at BERTHA over his glasses] Do I under- stand that you'd willingly contribute to de- pravity? BERTHA. I'd rather contribute to that than to nothing. EPHRAIM. To nothing? Did you say "noth- ing" ? Don't I put five dollars in the plate every Sunday? Don't I contribute to the missionary society? Don't I give my time to all sorts of committees? It's not the money I'm thinking of — it's the principle. BERTHA. But isn't Christmas Eve a time to forget your principles, Ephraim? EPHRAIM. Bertha! I'm amazed at you! BERTHA. I'd like to feel I was doing some- thing personal. EPHRAIM. How many times have I got to tell you that indiscriminate giving isn't charity EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 7 at all. It's putting a premium on beggary. It's bad for the poor themselves. It doesn't do anybody good. BERTHA. It might do you good. EPHRAIM. I hope I'm not selfish enough to think of myself first. BERTHA. Giving ought to be a pleasure to you. EPHRAIM. It would be a pleasure to me. So would lots of other things be a pleasure to me. I dare say getting drunk might be a pleasure to me, but I don't even keep alcohol in the house. BERTHA, I can think of worse things. A good soak might do you good if it only made you a little less sure of yourself afterward. EPHRAIM. This is preposterous! What's getting into you? BERTHA. I was wondcring what sort of excuses you'd make if you turned Christ away from your door and then found out what you'd done. EPHRAIM. I won't be talked to like this. Its — it's not decent! BERTHA. What would you do? EPHRAIM. This is positively sacrilegious! BERTHA. I'm waiting for you to answer me. 8 STAGE GUILD PLAYS EPHRAIM. I dont know what I'd do. How do I know what I'd do? It's ridiculous! You might as well ask me what I'd do if I met a — a — winged bear in my front hall. BERTHA. I wish you would! I wish you'd meet something you couldn't argue with. EPHRAIM. Well, I won't — [the maid enters from the hall.] THE MAID. Oh sir! Oh Missus! Oh Saints have mercy on us! EPHRAIM. Is this any way to come into a room? THE MAID. There's — there's a Thing in the hall. EPHRAIM. Well — THE MAID. It came in by the front door. I couldn't help it, sir. Honest to God I couldn't! EPHRAIM. I told you to keep the chain on the door. THE MAID. I did — I did, sir. I didn't open the front door at all, not a crack. It came in through the glass. EPHRAIM. Nonsense! I didn't hear any- thing break. THE MAID. Oh, sir, it came in sort of oozy- like — like smoke. I never seen it hardly till it was there — a — a-pushing of me and a-breathing on me like it was a — a bear. EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR Q BERTHA. Well, Ephraim? EPHRAIM. The girl's out of her head. THE MAID, [beginning to snivel] You go and see for yourself if you don' t believe me. EPHRAIM. You're a fool! THE MAID. You'll See if I am, Mr. Bum- steeple. EPHRAIM. I'll see nothing at all. [He goes to the hall door and comes face to face with the Winged Bear.] THE MAID, [running to bertha and crouching beside her] Ow! Heaven help us, it's here! EPHRAIM. [to the Bear] Wha — what's the meaning of this? What are you doing in my house? If this is a masquerade trick, you can get out. Get out, I say, or I'll call the police. THE MAID. Don't touch it, sir! Don't leave it lay hold on you! EPHRAIM. Nonsense! [He makes a move toward the Bear which has advanced into the centre of the room. It strikes an attitude and ephraim falls back. SHEETS appears in the doorway.] BERTHA, [calmly] Well, Ephraim, what do you call it ? lO STAGE GUILD PLAYS SHEETS. [speaking from the doorway] Couldn't rightly say, ma'm, what you might call him. EPHRAIM. [relieved at seeing a human being] So there you are, are you? SHEETS, [his voice betraying symptoms of in- toxication] Right! I'm here, governor. EPHRAIM. If you're the proprietor of this animal, you can take him away. I won't have him here! SHEETS. Fm not his proprietor, governor. Seems more like he was mine. EPHRAIM. [looking at the Bear] There isn't such a thing! He doesn't exist! SHEETS, [confidentially] Exactly what I said to myself when I fetched up against him first. "Edward Sheets," I says, "he don't exist. Don't you believe your eyes," I says. "He's an hallucination,'' I says, "or a phantas- magoria, that's what he is — like the green bab- oons — " EPHRAIM. You're quite right. You're in no fit condition to trust your own eyesight. SHEETS. Ain't I though! Mebbe not, old owl, but you've seen him yourself, ain't you? EPHRAIM. I won't admit it. I certainly won't admit it. EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR I I BERTHA. It looks to me as if you'd have to admit it, Ephraim. SHEETS. Right you are, old dear. It's what we all come to. We all says to each other, before we come in here with him, we says — EPHRAIM. Who's "we"? SHEETS. His pals — me and the rest of 'em. There's a fair gang of us — EPHRAIM. Where? SHEETS. In the hall, governor. Why not? EPHRAIM. Who let you in? SHEETS, [indicating the Bear] He did. EPHRAIM. Well, you can all get out again and cart this along with you. SHEETS. That's easier said nor done, gov- ernor. We was coming around the corner below when the lady that's with us takes a fancy to a Christmas tree in a delicatessen store window. Does he go in and ask for it like a gentleman? Not him. He pushes in the whole front of the place and grabs it for her. Lord, there's no laying a finger on him. He was up in the air like a big bird, he was, with the tree in his fist like it was an umbrella. He was a block off when we caught up to him. That's how easy he is to handle. You take my tip, govern- or — leave him be. BERTHA. This is perfectly delightful! 12 STAGE GUILD PLAYS EPHRAIM. [turning on her] Bertha, it's preposterous! It's against nature! BERTHA. I don't care! What if it is? SHEETS. There now! That's spoken like an old sport! EPHRAIM. How dare you speak to Mrs. Bumsteeple in that way ? BERTHA, [to sheets] Call your friends in. EPHRAIM. He'll do nothing of the kind — SHEETS, [turning on ephraim] Who's boss here, I'd like to know? EPHRAIM. I'll show you! [ephraim makes for the door. The Bear intercepts him, strikes an attitude and waves him back to his chair, ephraim falls back as if pushed, sheets beckons to someone in the hall.] BERTHA. Ephraim, you ought to have better sense. SHEETS. Don't say I didn't warn you, gov- ernor. Just sit easy-like and no one's going to hurt you. [A young woman of obvious disrespec- tability enters, carrying a small Christmas tree. She is followed by a young man wearing evening clothes and a silk hat. He car- ries a large market basket.] EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR I 3 EPHRAiM. Hurt me? Hurt me? In my own house, in my own library! Bertha, did you hear what this man said to me? Do — do you see what /'m seeing? BERTHA. I most Certainly do. EPHRAIM. [appealing to the young man] You in the silk hat — you look like a human being — perhaps you'll be good enough to throw some light on this — this extravaganza? THE YOUNG MAN. By Jove, you've hit it, old boy. Extravaganza, that's the word I've been hunting for. Why didn't I think of it ! EPHRAIM. Well, now that you have thought of it? THE YOUNG MAN. I shall hold on to it, of course. Ha, ha ! Extravaganza ! Ripping one too, isn't it? Amusing as hell! EPHRAIM. [flaring up] I should say it was just about as amusing as the place you mention. THE YOUNG MAN. Hold Up there! Don't start anything you can't finish! THE WOMAN. Aw, comc off! What's the use of getting sore at the beginning of a social evening ? EPHRAIM. Never in my life have I been sub- jected to anything so impossible! SHEETS We all know that, governor. We're all making allowance for you. 14 STAGE GUILD PLAYS EPHRAIM. I won't have allowances made for me! I don't need them! I don't want them! All I want is an explanation of — of — this mon- strosity. SHEETS. It was me seen him first, governor. I'd twenty cents — two dimes — panhandled it off a guy in a bar. Fair lit up I was, too, but I knowed enough not to buy with it there. I was outside steering for another pair of swinging doors when I bumps an old dame on the crossing. Looked like she was near froze. Well, I don't know what hit me but before I'd got a hand on myself, I give her the two dimes. Then I turns round to look for another touch and, bingo, I fetches up against this here feller — riz right up out of the dark, he did, like he'd come through the pavement. EPHRAIM. I don't believe a word of what you're saying! BERTHA. Weren' t you frightened, Mr. Sheets ? SHEETS. No, ma'm, not me. I'm that used to visions I don't mind 'em at all. Blue camels I see mostly, and them trampling on my stom- ach. This here's a lovin' beast alongside of what I'm used to. [The Bear begins to dance before EPHRAIM.] EPHRAIM. [trying to wave him off] I can see no difference between this and any other prod- uct of alcoholic delirium. EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR I 5 THE YOUNG MAN. Perhaps you haven't had Mr. Sheets's experience? EPHRAIM. I wasn't talking to you, sir. THE WOMAN. Aw, keep your shirt on, Mr. Bumsteeple. EPHRAIM. [turning on her] That's not a decent way to talk to me. THE WOMAN, [sullenly] I can give you some talk that won't be as decent as that, not by half! BERTHA. I wish you would, my dear. EPHRAIM. Eh, what's that? BERTHA. I think it would be very good for him to hear it. EPHRAIM. Bertha, for heaven's sake — THE YOUNG MAN. Here, here, there's nothing to get in a row about — EPHRAIM. Isn't there? THE WOMAN. No — not unlcss you make it yourself. SHEETS. We was only telling you, governor. EPHRAIM. Well, sir, I'm listening to you. SHEETS, [indicating the Bear] Amiable he was from the start — cottoned to me right away, he did — "Come along of me," says he, "and I'll give you a run for your money — a big time," he says, "something to put a new heart into you." 1 6 STAGE GUILD PLAYS EPHRAiM. Do I understand you to say this — this monster spoke to you ? SHEETS. I can't say exactly that he spoke, but he made hisself understood. "I'm with you, Old Egg," says I. "Lead on," says I, "whatever you call yourself." BERTHA. And he did lead on, didn't he? SHEETS. More'n that, he did. Seems like he's onto what's up. Christmas blow-out, that's what he's got his heart set on. Nothing too good for him nor his pals. Look what he's fetched in his pack. Here you, trot it out for the governor. THE YOUNG MAN. [opening the basket] Four quarts vintage champagne, cakes, pates, roast goose, all sorts of good things. Regular maitre d' hotel — well, rather! [He takes out a bottle.] EPHRAIM. Don't you put that bottle on my table! THE WOMAN, [contemptously] My word, Mr. Bumsteeple, you are a first class blighter! EPHRAIM. Don't you speak to me, woman. THE YOUNG MAN. I Say, old man, you haven't got a gallon punchbowl about the place, have you? EPHRAIM. I have not. There isn't such a thing in the house. EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 1 7 BERTHA, [pointing to a large bowl of artificial flowers on the library table] You can use the big flower- bowl. THE YOUNG MAN. Good thought ! [He takes the flowers out of the bowl and throws them on the floor.] THE WOMAN, [to BERTH a] Say, but you re a bit of the right stuff, you are ! BERTHA. Thanks! I hope I know enough not to spoil a good time. EPHRAIM. A good time? Did you say **a good time?^^ Bertha, this is depraved. It's ridiculous! You don't mean to tell me you're letting yourself become a party to this night- mare? BERTHA. I'm doing my best to, Ephraim. [the young MAN is now opening the bottles, one by one. The Bear takes them from him and pours the contents into the bowl. He then stirs the punch with a paper- cutter.] EPHRAIM. I'll soon put a stop to this outrage! [He makes a move toward the table.] SHEETS. Here now, none of that, governor ! THE WOMAN, [to ephraim] Wait till we've warmed your gizzard for you. You may sing different. 1 8 STAGE GUILD PLAYS EPHRAiM. What business is this of yours? What are you, anyway? THE WOMAN. You know damned well what I am. EPHRAIM. By the way you talk, I'd say you were a common, lowdown — SHEETS. Here, here — we'll have no hard names ! [the young man takes a dozen tin mugs from the basket and begins filling them.] bertha. She's a human being, Ephraim. EPHRAIM. I'm beginning to doubt if we're any of us human beings — BERTHA. You'll treat her with respect while she's in this house whatever she is. EPHRAIM. [to bertha] If she's such a friend of yours, ask her to — to — ask her why I find my house made into a — a beer-garden — into an asyulm for blithering idiots? THE YOUNG MAN. Here, wet your whistle with this! [He holds out a mug of punch to EPHRAIM. EPHRAIM hesitates, the Bear makes a gesture, and EPHRAIM drinks.] BERTHA, [to THE WOMAN] My dear, you don't want my husband to have a stroke of apoplexy, do you ? EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 1 9 THE WOMAN. I'm not particular anxious about him one way or the other. BERTHA. But for my sake, try to answer his question. THE WOMAN, [reluctantly] Well, I was tak- ing my evening stroll, I was, and I suppose Mr. Bumsteeple here will be asking me what I was looking for — EPHRAIM. God forbid! I've no desire to know, [the young MAN takes plates from the basket and begins serving the food.] bertha. But weren't you doing anything else? the woman, [sheepishly] I was petting a dog. SHEETS, [tired of being left out of the conversa- tion] That she was — down on her knees a- pet- ting of him, and a-talking to him and a-loving of him, governor, like he was a child. EPHRAIM. Glad she showed some human feeling at any rate. SHEETS, [genially] That's the first word of kindness you've handed out, governor. Take another mug. [hands ephraim another mug of punch and a plate.] EPHRAIM. No, I won't. I — I — I don't ap- prove of this. [He takes the mug and the plate.] 20 STAGE GUILD PLAYS SHEETS. Yellow it was, too, and mangy looking. Smelt to high heaven, it did. Some- thing fierce ! THE YOUNG MAN. Whew! Well, rather! I ought to know. I carried it all the way here. I tied it to your hat-rack. EPHRAiM. You tied it to my hat-rack ! THE YOUNG MAN. I did. SHEETS. Throw your lip over your grog, governor. Things '11 begin to look brighter to you when you've took another pull. [The Bear makes a move at ephraim and EPHRAIM drinks.] THE YOUNG MAN. And what's more, I made a bed for it out of what I judged to be your winter overcoat. EPHRAIM. I — I'm beyond expressing my in- dignation. I'm beyond even expressing aston- ishment. BERTHA. That's something gained at least. THE WOMAN, [to BERTHAJ When I sccn the little brute a-shivering in the gutter I thought to myself, "Well, Myrtle," I thought, "here's something worse off than you. " I'd just picked it up suddenlike and was wondering what the hell I'd do with it, when up comes Old Clooty there, with what's-his-name in tow. EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 21 SHEETS. That's US, governor, him and me. I wish you could have seen the hugging and the kissing. Fair slobbered on her, he did, like she was the finest lady in the world. "Look out, " says I, "you don't know what sort of company you're getting yourself into," I says. Did he listen to me? Not him. Nothing would do but she must come along of us. BERTHA. But weren't you frightened, my girl? THE WOMAN. Me? Frightened? Lord bless your soul, no! If you'd been out of nights the times I have, you'd know there's worse beasts than him — going round in taxis with silk toppers on their heads. Afraid of him? Why he's a lamb, he is. Sheets ain't so bad neither. The three of us was thick as thieves even before we met up with Mr. Thingum-a-jig. EPHRAIM. And who's Mr. Thingum-a-jig? SHEETS. Don't ask questions, governor, till you've inhaled another little whiff of this. [He holds out another mug of punch to EPHRAIM.] THE YOUNG MAN. Mr. Thingum-a-jig? She doubtless means me. EPHRAIM. [taking the mug] Well, I suppose there is no harm in hearing how you came to be mixed up in this. THE YOUNG MAN. Certainly. Charmed to enlighten you when you ask politely — 22 STAGE GUILD PLAYS EPHRAiM. I'd no intention of being polite. SHEETS. Ah, but you were, governor. THE WOMAN. Compared to what you was ten minutes ago. BERTHA. Please don't irritate him. EPHRAIM. [to THE YOUNG MAN] I'm Waiting for you, sir. THE YOUNG MAN. [in a half-dreamy voice] Ah, yes. Well, you see, I was sitting in a hack- driver's saloon, quite close to the door, at a little round table, with a glass of absinthe in front of me. I was — well, taking stock of a rather ex- ceptionally bountiful harvest of wild oats. BERTHA. But, surely, that wasn't all? THE YOUNG MAN. [hesitatingly] No. EPHRAIM. What else? THE YOUNG MAN. [with a sort of vague earnest- ness] I was thinking of my people, my mother and father, of the money they'd wasted on me. I'd made up my mind to write a letter. EPHRAIM. I dare say it would do you good, sir, to think of them oftener ! THE YOUNG MAN. [hard again] No, it makes me too damned uncomfortable. However, that's got nothing to do with our little party. I was feeling rather cut up for the moment — EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 23 that's all — when, lo and behold, the door bursts open, like something in a pantomine, and in waltzes this — and these — THE WOMAN. Meaning Sheets and me. SHEETS. Same thing over again, governor. Affectionate greetings. Invitation to join our happy family. THE WOMAN. I wasn't for taking on this Johnnie, not me — thought I was onto his sort. But I must have been mistaken. Nicky took such a shine to him — anyhow, he joined and here he is. THE YOUNG MAN. Naturally I joined. Who wouldn't, under the circumstances ? Sensations, that's what I live for. Well, rather! Not that this is anything so jolly exceptional. EPHRAIM. Not exceptional! Did I under- stand you to say ''not exceptional?" THE YOUNG MAN. Did you cvcr try hasheesh ? EPHRAIM. No, but I am beginning to think I may sometime. BERTHA, [pleased] Ephraim ! THE YOUNG MAN. Well, until you do, you can't be expected to realize what a common- place experience you're undergoing. SHEETS. Oh, come now, I call this a nice jolly little jaunt, I do. 24 STAGE GUILD PLAYS THE YOUNG MAN. It scrves its purpose. It helps one to forget. [He fills a mug and drinks.] EPHRAiM. Young man, you seem to have more of a gift for narrative than Mr. Sheets. The point I'm trying to get at — is why the devil you chose my house for the scene of this bacchic demonstration? SHEETS. How should he know more'n the rest on us, governor ? He ain't the captain. THE YOUNG MAN. I'm sure I don't know at all. We just gathered in a few supplies as we came along and here we are. I thought perhaps we were invited. EPHRAIM. Invited! Invited to my house? I hope by this time you are fully aware that you were not invited — not by me at any rate. THE WOMAN. I Can't See that it makes any difference how we came here. Im satisfied with what I'm getting. SHEETS. Me, too, governor, though it's no credit to you, seeing 's how we furnished the victuals. THE YOUNG MAN. Well, We're here and it's my advice, Mr. Bumsteeple, loosen up and make the best of us. THE WOMAN. We're making the best of you, aren't we? Turn about's fair play. EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 25 EPHRAiM. To think that I should have lived to see such a collection of human rubbish in my house. THE WOMAN. Who's "human rubbish," I'd like to know? EPHRAIM. All of you. You're not even fit company for — for — each other. SHEETS. Hold hard, governor! Mebbe his Nibs here knows better'n you what's good com- pany and what isn't. BERTHA. They all have the seed of human kindness in them at least, Ephraim. THE WOMAN. That's more'n I can say of your husband! BERTHA. My dear, you must try to be a little more charitable. SHEETS. [giving THE WOMAN and EPHRAIM each a mug of punch] Bump mugs with her, governor, just to show there's no hard feeling. THE WOMAN, /'m game to call quits if he is. EPHRAIM. I — I refuse. I — I refuse to de- grade myself! [The Bear makes a gesture, ephraim hesitates then clinks mugs with the woman and drinks.] SHEETS. There we are, fine as frog's hair, all settled sociable and easy-like. Say! but ain't it time we fixed on a toastmaster? 26 STAGE GUILD PLAYS THE WOMAN. If scx ain't a hindrance, I'm for Mrs. Bumsteeple. BERTHA. My dear, I'm afraid I couldn't do the affair justice! SHEETS, [putting a wreath of holly on eph- raim's head] What's the matter with the gov- ernor here? EPHRAiM. No, no! Wait! I must get the hang of this. THE YOUNG MAN. Try another mug, old boy. It may clear your brain. [He holds out another mug to eph- RAIM.] EPHRAIM. Eh, how's that? Thanks! [Takes the mug.] Confound it all! If I could only get this straight! I — I'm beginning to think there must be some answer to it. [Nods drowsily.] THE YOUNG MAN. And, by Jove, do you know, I think I can put my finger on it for you. What was it Mrs. Bumsteeple was saying? The "seed of human kindness, " that's it! [Pointing to the Bear] That's what he saw in us. Eh, what! THE WOMAN. But what in Gawd's name did he see in Mr. Bumsteeple? Answer me that, Mr. Smarty, if you can. [ephraim rouses himself with a Jerk.] THE MAID. Wait, the master's going to say something. EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 27 EPHRAIM. I was wondering — BERTHA. Ephraim ! THE YOUNG MAN. Eh? THE WOMAN. [to ephraim] Spit it out if it'll be a comfort to you. EPHRAIM. [to THE WOMAN] I — I WaS Only wondering if that dog of yours would eat any of this sausage I have on my plate. SHEETS, [triumphantly] Ah! There, what did I tell you now? THE WOMAN. Do you mean what you're saying, Mr. Bumsteeple? THE MAID, [in astonishment] Lord bless us if the master hasn't got it up his nose this time right enough. THE YOUNG MAN. Hurrah! The circle's complete. Everybody fill up for another round. [He refills all the mugs on the table.] SHEETS. Speech! Speech, from the gov- ernor ! THE WOMAN. Let him alone, can't you, till he gets his legs under him. THE YOUNG MAN. Put the old boy on his pins. [ephraim struggles to his feet, sheets helping him.] THE WOMAN, [defending him] Leave him be! He doesn't want to say anything. 28 STAGE GUILD PLAYS EPHRAIM. Hold your tongue, my girl. I know what I'm about. BERTHA, [in alarm for the first time] Eph- raim, you're not going to make a speech? EPHRAIM. [half appealingly] I think I may be permitted to utter a few words in my own house. THE MAID. Hear ! Hear ! EPHRAIM. [talking thickly] Friends, I ad- dress you all as friends, my friends and Mrs. Bumsteeple's friends — THE YOUNG MAN. Hear ! Hear ! SHEETS. Right, oh! We're all friends. THE WOMAN. Go On ! BERTHA. Ephraim, do be careful of your legs! EPHRAIM. [a little more clearly] My legs be damned! I've come to an understanding with myself. It's a big thing to do that. I can't say quite what's got into me. SHEETS. Punch has gotten into you, gov- ernor. EPHRAIM. Yes, I can say that it's more than punch, Mr. Sheets, more than the spirit of the season. SHEETS. Blow me if I don't believe he's right ! EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 29 THE WOMAN, [fo SHEETS] Shut up, Can't you? THE YOUNG MAN. Give him a show ! EPHRAIM. [gaining more clearness as he goes on] I asked for the answer to this riddle. You couldn't give it to me. All right then, I'm going to give it to you instead. Each one of us has given way to a weakness. That's what we've done. Something we were half ashamed to admit was in us. We've been afraid to let ourselves go. THE WOMAN, [almost argumentative again] Do / look as though fd been afraid of letting myself go? SHEETS. [to THE WOMAN] NoW who's butting m BERTHA. Wait, wait! I really think he's going to say it. EPHRAIM. With the help of God, Bertha, I believe I am. Look here all of you. I'm not talking of sins and weaknesses of the flesh. I'm talking of weaknesses of the spirit — weaknesses of the heart. THE WOMAN, [squirming] If this is going to be something like they give you at the Rescue Homes, I won't stand for it. EPHRAIM. I give you my word it isn't. Here's the whole thing in a nutshell. I've made a bogey of my own kind impulses. I was afraid to give way for fear of where they'd lead me. I 30 STAGE GUILD PLAYS tell you I made a monster of them. I was afraid of him. The rest of you weren't, but I was. Well, my friends, there he stands. [Point- ing to the Bear] I — I won't be afraid of him again. THE WOMAN, [relieved] Then you ain't go- ing to spring any reform stuff after all ? EPHRAIM. Eh, reform? No, my dear, noth- ing about reform to the rest of you. THE WOMAN, [almost dazed] And — and no wheezin' about tomorrow? EPHRAIM. No! No, certainly not! THE YOUNG MAN. And quite right you are, old boy. To hell with all the tomorrows! Let's think about tonight. EPHRAIM. Er — er — exactly! Give me an- other mug of punch. [the young MAN gives him another mug of punch.] THE YOUNG MAN. By Jove, I'll give you a toast. SHEETS. Hear ! Hear ! THE YOUNG MAN. Here's to Mr. Ephraim Bumsteeple ! EVERYONE. Hear! Hear! BERTHA, [lifting her mug] Here's to Eph- raim and the Winged Bear! EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 3 I THE WOMAN. Come on ! [She rises and takes sheets by one hand and bertha by the other.] sheets. Right oh ! A dance ! the YOUNG MAN. A dance ! [He takes the maid by one hand and sheets by the other. The Bear takes EPHRAIM by the shoulders and dances with him. The others circle round them, eph- RAiM begins singing " Round and Round the Mulberry Bu^/i" and the others join in.] CURTAIN This first edition of ephraim and the wingi BEAR, printed from type by The LancasU Printing Company, Lancaster, Pennsyi vania, in December, igi4,for donald VAUGHAN, New York, consists of one thou- sand and fifty copies on laid paper. .Irl^f^f^RY OF