i mm mHHBftfflsl 1823 HI rain! Hi mm ■ H m 1 ■ BH '■■hHhh » • • • « J? z *P^ ^ -.«* *aiSS^ ft %> <& *^ # 1 £ .»•• THE / WORKS OP THE LATE C.A.STEVENS, ESQ. Consisting of his celebrated LECTURE ON HEADS, AND SONGS. A NEW AND IMPROVED EDITION, To which is prefixed A LIFE OF THE AUTHOR. BY W. H. BADHAM, ESQ. Risum teneatis, Amici ? Hor. LONDON: "Sa'°r WASBB0DRN *™ »*. OLOB. KNIBB AND LANGBMDGE, WOKCESTER. 1823. Oift. W. L. Rhogmakar 7 S ' '06. LONDON : Printed by Thomas Davison, Whitefriars. h THE yy~—> OE THE LATE G. A. STEVENS ESQ? "Witherington del nted for G.WILLIAMS, Cheltenham ;WASHBOURlsr k SON, Gloucester, and KN7BB &C? Worcester •. 1824. WORKS OF THE LATE G. A. STEVENS, ESQ. THE WORKS OF THE LATE G. A. STEVENS, ESQ. Consisting of his celebrated LECTURE ON HEADS, AND SONGS. A NEW AND IMPROVED EDITION, To which is prefixed A LIFE OF THE AUTHOR. BY C. TOLLY, ESQ. Risum teneatis, Amici ? Hor. LONDON: PRINTED FOR WASHBOURN AND SON, GLOU- CESTER ; G. WILLIAMS, CHELTENHAM ; AND KNIBB AND LANGBRIDGE, WORCESTER. 1823. LONDON: Printed by Thomas Davison, Whitefriars. PREFACE. THE author of this Lecture being the first who ever attempted to entertain an audience for four hours by himself, without a change of person, although he sometimes changed his appearance by a wig, &c. the undertaking, though novel, was extremely hazardous; notwithstanding, he met with extraordinary success in London, and after- wards delivered it with a continuance of that suc- cess in almost every principal town in England and Ireland. During this itinerant stage of its exhibition, it had received great improvements and additions from the hints and suggestions of Shuter, Howard, Churchill, and many other wits of that day. It therefore re-appeared in London almost a new performance, and met with increased approbation. After the author's death, Mr. Lee Lewis, and other comedians, delivered it (with temporary alterations) in the East Indies, and various parts of this kingdom, with considerable applause. The success of this Lecture has occa- sioned many similar attempts. We have had a Lecture on Hearts, a Brush for rubbing off Care, Portraits, &c. &c; but though assisted with music, they have never acquired the popularity that has vi PREFACE. marked the present undertaking, which unques- tionably possesses every quality of true satire. The heads and their dresses compose the picturesque —the assumption of character and dialogue by the lecturer, the dramatic— and the lively description of manners, the judicious propriety and pertinence of observation, the narrative: — herein are there- fore united the most remarkable species of satire. The wit, also, is as various as the subjects which it satirizes; its brilliancy charms, its poignancy convicts while it chastises, its pertinency adorns the sentiment or observation it would illustrate, and its variety always entertains, but never satiates. Even the author's puns please from the aptness and pleasantry of their conceits. The characters are such as will be found to exist with nature, and compose every part of the community. The old and young, the rich and poor, male and female, married and unmarried, and those of every learned and unlearned profession, are the subjects of the author's whimsical, yet judicious censure. The language is both lively and delicate. In short, this entertainment abounds in more wit, humour, and character, than can be found in any of our modern comedies. A work of such acknowledged merit, which has never yet been presented to the public in a suit- able form, cannot be unacceptable to the admirers of real wit and humour. It has survived its author, and will outlive even his successors. All due at' PREFACE. vii tention, therefore, has been paid to the present edition, in which it will appear that an entire new arrangement has been adopted, every fresh subject or character bearing appropriate heads, in order that references may be made by the reader with greater facility, and that the lecturer may be ap- prised of what action, tone of voice, gestures, &e. the respective parts may require. The ingenious additions which were made by Mr. Pilon are re- tained, except where the vicissitudes of fashion re- quired some change, in which case we have sub- stituted original additions, as specified in our notes, at the same time adhering as closely as pos- sible to Stevens's text. Thus modernized, this Lecture on Heads may still afford entertainment either on the stage or in the closet, particularly when it is recollected that it was once the most popular exhibition of the age. Our author's Songs having been also esteemed as choice effusions of wit and pleasantry, are here given without any alterations from the original text ; for being chiefly devoted to Venus and Bac- chus, the subjects seem as well adapted to the pre- sent day as to that period in which they were pro- duced. Those entertaining compositions, which for the first time, accompany the author's Lecture on Heads, cannot fail to render the present volume doubly interesting to the lovers of Whim and Fancy. CONTENTS. LECTURE ON HEADS. PART I. Page INTRODUCTION . 1 Definition of a Head . • 3 Sir Whisky Whiffle . 4 Knowing Heads 5 Wooden Heads . 6 A Foolish Head . ib. Master Jacky . . 7 A Masculine Lady . ib. The Fool's Cap . . 8 A London Blood, a Man of the Town, and a Woman of the Town .... 9 PA k RT 3 I. The Five Sciences; — Architecture, Painting, Poetry, Music, and Astronomy . .12 Death of Wit 13 A Connoisseur . , . . . .14 A Reasoner . . . . . .15 A Freeholder's Head and an Election Picture ib. Origin of Presents at General Elections . 16 Six Antique Medals ib. Jonas, the Conjuring Jew . , . .18 A Foreign Adventurer , . . .19 An Opera Dancer or Singer . . , ib. A5 CONTENTS. PART III. Ladies' Fashionable Head-Dresses . . 22 An Old Maid and an Old Bachelor . . 23 Female Orators 24 The Debate Reporter 25 The Groaners and Grinners . . . ib. Ladies' Wigs ...... 26 A young Female Quaker, and Remarks on Arti- ficial Complexions . . ib. The Girdle of Good Temper, a Preservative to Beauty . . . . " . . .27 Matrimonial Pictures . . . .28 PART IV. The Law , . . 31 Daniel versus Dishclout . . . . ib* Nobody, Anybody, Somebody, and Everybody 33 Flattery ....... 35 A Frenchman and a British Tar . . .36 A Spaniard and a Dutchman , . .37 A British Hero 38 PART V. . A Compendium of Law „ . . .40 Bullum versus Boatum .... ib, A City Politician 42 A Proud Man ...... 45 Dissertations on a Full-Bottomed Bob- Wig and a Methodist's Wig ib. CONTENTS. xi SONGS. Page A CARICATURE 217 Ad Infinitum 117 Administration 176 A Fore-castle Song . . , . .132 A Lesson of Love 248 A Love Song 152 Amelia 158 A new Roast Beef 145 A Simple Pastoral 125 A Toast 203 A Time for all Things .... 141 A Wonder . 208 Bartleme Fair Ill Beauty and Wine . . . . . .151 Beaume de Vie 221 Beef and a Bumper 206 Beef Steak Club 216 Castles in Air 102 Chastity 180 Circe .178 Common Sense 130 Conclusion of the Humbug » . .191 Contentment 233 Courtship ....... 169 Dick and Doll 123 Doodle Doo 160 Do the Same 165 English Litany 70 Elixir L' Argent . . . . . .120 Extravaganza . . . , . .95 Fair Play 177 Freedom -. 185 Fool's Hall 212 Gaming 103 CONTENTS. s Partnership God save the King . Give the Devil his Due Here Goes Honour . Independency Jack Tar's Song Kissing . Liberty Hall Love and Wine' May Maria Mediocrity Mutual Love Mum . My Nose Not as it should be . Nobody and Nothing Nunc est Bibendum Origin of English Liberty Origin of Faction Prejudice Present Taste . Politics Reason . Repentance Rural Felicity Self Semele # Seriosity Silenus and Cupid Sleep . . Spring . The Divorce . The Worms The Race The Picture . The Marine Medley CONTENTS. The Nabob . The Origin of Toll, Loll, Loll The Railers The Artists The Dream . The Wine Vault The Briton The End . The Trio . The Jolly Soul The Times The Raree Show The Question The Connoisseur The Songster's Horn-Book The Cabal The Whim The Scurvy . The Demirep The Veteran The Pipe of Love The Briton's Wish The Damn'd Honest Fellow The Humbug . The Comet The Blood The Vision The Griskin Club The Specific . The Norfolk Farmer The Bottle The Masquerade The Marquis of Granby The London Hunt The Man . The Auction . The Squabble . xiv CONTENTS. The Portrait ...... 202 The World 205 The Parade 209 The Fright 236 The Funeral 238 The Cobbler of Cripplegate . . . 240 The Hum 242 The Parent 223 The Point 225 The Sweethearts . . . , . . 246 Time Killers 237 Time's Defeat 91 Tom of Bedlam 227 To-day and To-Night . . . .107 To Drink 108 Toll, Loll de Roll 80 Toll, Loll, Loll 82 True Blue 92 Ditto 93 Transit of Venus . . • . 173 Water 232 What's that to me 153 Song the last 249 MEMOIR GEORGE ALEXANDER STEVENS. THE subject of our present consideration was one of the most singular characters this or any other country ever produced. He was born in or near Holborn, having been the son of a tradesman, and brought up with a view to some mechanical employment. In early life, he, however, attempted the stage, and became first a strolling player in one of the provincial companies, whose chief head- quarters were at Lincoln, where he performed some time. He then joined other companies, and, in 1752, performed in Dublin, where he produced his first dramatic piece, a burlesque tragedy, called *« Distress upon Distress." The year following, he came to London, and obtained an engagement at Covent Garden Theatre. As an actor his merit was below mediocrity ; but as an humorous author, he acquired considerable fame. Thus many can xvi MEMOIR OF write for the stage with celebrity, who on the stage cannot act like common men. Mr. Stevens soon became famous at the several convivial societies then in being, of which there was a great number, as, The Choice Spirits, High Borlace, Comus's Court, &c. &c. for which he wrote many of the songs here annexed, which were very much ap- plauded, and, by the critics of his day, esteemed the best classical songs then extant. Before his visit to Dublin, our author had a severe fit of illness, during which he gave the fol- lowing account of himself, which affords every reason to suppose that the tenor of his life had not been much influenced by the rules of piety or virtue. f By chance condemn' d to wander from my birth, An erring exile o'er the face of earth ; Wild through the world of vice — licentious race ! I 've started folly, and enjoy'd the chace; Pleased with each passion, I pursued their aim, Cheer' d the gay pack, and grasp'd the guilty game. RevelPd regardless, leap'd reflection o'er, Till youth, till health, fame, fortune, are no more ; Too late I feel the thought-corroding pain Of sharp remembrance and severe disdain, Each painted pleasure its avenger breeds, Sorrow's sad train to Riot's troop succeeds, Slow wasting sickness steals on swift debauch, Contempt on pride, pale want on waste approach." G. A. STEVENS. xvii It is, however, to be apprehended that the Li- bertine Repentant, as he called himself, renewed the same course on the return of his health, which happy restoration also soon became accompanied with wealth; for, by an extraordinary effort of genius, he acquired not only fame but affluence. Hitherto his finances were at a low ebb, and his person often in durance. Still, as a companion, he was cheerful, humorous, and entertaining ; par- ticularly after the manner of his predecessor, Tom D'Urfey, by singing, with much drollery and spirit, a variety of his own excellent songs. He usually wrote pieces of humour for Shuter to deliver at his benefit; and, in 176*0, published a novel, in two volumes, called " The History of Tom Fool." The next year he began a periodical publication, entitled " The Beauties of Magazines." In 1763, he gave the public some entertainment at the ex- pense of his friend Shuter and Nancy Dawson, in " The Dramatic History of Master Edward, Mrs. Ann, Mrs. Llworddrhydd, and others, the extra- ordinaries of those times." For Shuter he com- posed the first sketch of his Lecture on Heads ; but whether the humour of the piece was not congenial with that of Shuter, or whether he was inadequate to the task, it is certain that he did not approve of it. Fortunately for the author, he was prompted j to enlarge his plan, and having furnished him- self with a complete apparatus, he went into the J country and repeated his Lecture, with so much xviii MEMOIR OF success, at various places, that he was soon enabled to amass, and remit home, several large sums of money; by which he secured for himself an af- fluence which might have lasted him during the rest of his life. After exhibiting his Lecture all through England and Scotland, with extraordinary approbation, he visited America, and was well received at all the capital towns. At Boston his reception was far from what he expected ; he was apprehensive that the gloom of bigoted presbytery would prevent the humour of his Lecture from being relished, but crowded audiences, for the space of six weeks, convinced him of his error. At Phi- ladelphia, his reception was equally flattering and profitable. After an absence of two years he re- turned to England, and soon after paid a visit to Ireland. It cannot be wondered that Stevens and his Lecture were admired by a people remarkable for their humour, but more particularly for their hospitality, for which he has paid them so many compliments in his Songs. His Lecture, in the course of a few years, produced him near 10,000/. the greatest part of which melted from his hands before his death. Novelty, it must be confessed, in a great mea- sure, recommended Mr. Stevens's undertaking. He is the first instance that can be produced, of one man, by his writing and reciting, entertaining an audience for the space of four hours. The intrinsic merit of his composition, indeed, rendered this G. A. STEVENS. xix novelty of some duration. Many productions of a similar nature have been offered to the public by the imitators of our Lecturer, but with little or no success. Mr. Dibdin, indeed, by the excellence of his Songs and music, has been Mr. Stevens's most fortunate successor. The Lecture on Heads, how- ever, like a good play, can always afford enter- tainment, in the closet; but the puerility of similar undertakings renders them scarcely tolerable during recitation. As Mr. Stevens was the inventor of this species of entertainment, it may naturally be inquired by what means it was suggested to him. The first idea of his Lecture, we understand, he got at a village where he was manager of a company, and where he met with a country mechanic, who de- scribed the members of the corporation with great force and humour. Upon this idea Stevens im- proved, and was assisted in making the heads by his friend, who little imagined what a source of profit he had established. After the Lecture on Heads had apparently been repeated often enough to lose some of its effect, he composed another entertainment of the like kind, called " The Supplement; being a New Lec- ture upon Heads, Portraits, and Whole Lengths." It began in February, 1766, but notwithstanding the Lecturer's acknowledged reputation, it was coldly received, and ended with six nights' per- formance. It was tried again the next year, but xx MEMOIR OF with little more success, being repeated only seven nights. It is natural to suppose that the author had exhausted his fancy on the subject; indeed it is a general remark that the Second Part of any dramatic composition is very inferior to the First. By means of the money Mr. Stevens had ae- quired by his Lecture, he now abandoned the drudgery of literature, till January, 1770, when he produced a burletta, called, (< The Court of Alex- ander," set by Dr Fisher, which proved no addi- tion of fame to either author or composer. In 1773, he brought out " The Trip to Portsmouth," a comic sketch, at the Haymarket, in which he performed, for the last time, himself. This piece consisted of a few detached pieces, begun and finished in five days. After this he repeated his Lecture on Heads, both in London, and several other places; but finding his faculties impaired, he sold his property in the work to the late Mr. Lee Lewis. Several able performers have since at- tempted this dramatic extravaganza, but have all failed in creating that general laugh which the original speaker never failed to excite ; much, however, must be attributed to the first impres- sion ; doubtless Mr. Stevens's successors made their essays while the author's exhibition was fresh upon the minds of the people. Many, however, who never saw the original, have been highly enter- tained by the late Messrs. Lee Lewis and Palmer. With respect to the exit of this extraordinary G. A. STEVENS. xxi character, who had often " kept the table in a roar," we are sorry to observe, it was his misfor- tune that his mind and body did not keep pace with each other in their decay. He sunk by de- grees into a state of all others the most distressing to those who have any connexion, either of friend- ship or consanguinity, with a person so unhappily circumstanced. He retained his bodily faculties after his mind had lost its powers, and exhibited a miserable spectacle of idiotism and fatuity. At length, after several years remaining in this con- dition, he died at Biggleswade, Bedfordshire,, Sep- tember 6, 1784. Besides the pieces and Songs already noticed, Mr. Stevens was the author of several poems and fragments, many of which he never published. He produced the first book of a poem called ** The Birthday of Folly," in imitation of the Dunciad, but proceeded in his design no farther. LECTURE ON HEADS; Originally written by GEORGE ALEXANDER STEVENS, Afterwards improved by MR. FREDERIC PILON, AND NOW ADAPTED TO THE PRESENT TIME. LECTURE ON HEADS. Introduction.* EVERY single speaker*, who, like me, attempts to entertain an audience, has not only the censure of that assembly to dread, but also every part of his own behaviour to fear. The smallest error of voice, * This introductory matter was added by Mr. Pilon. Mr. Stevens, the author, when he first delivered this Lecture at the Theatre Royal, Haymarket (1772), spoke a prologue, wherein, after some pertinent re- marks on two or three characters in the Lecture, he concluded with these fines : * ' In ridicule, that exhibition see As rich in raree-show as repartee, Where wit squeaks round the room, ' Do you know me?'" (The curtain then drew up, and discovered a vari- ety of heads, differently ornamented, and in motion, repeating "Do you know me?'') " Like heads of corn, in autumn's plenteous fields, Yon crop of heads dame Fashion's harvest yields; From hints like these I formed ray lecturing plan, And strove to mark the mimicries of man. If you find aught absurd in the deed or design, Of all heads to be seen here, the wrong head is mine. B 2 LECTURE ON HEADS. judgment, or delivery, will be noted: "All that can be presumed upon in his favour is, a hope — that he may meet with that indulgence, which an English audience are so remarkable for, and that every exhi- bition stands so much in need o/." This method of lecturing is a very ancient custom ; Juno the wife of Jupiter, being the first who gave her husband a lecture, and, from the place wherein that oration was supposed to have been delivered, they have always since that time been called curtain lec- tures. But, before I presume to meddle with other peo- ple's heads, it may be proper to say something upon my own, if upon my own any thing could be said to the purpose: but, after many experiments, finding I could not make any thing of my own, I have taken the liberty to try what I cottld do, by exhibiting a collection of heads belonging to other people. But here is a head* [shows Stevens's head] I confess I have In behalf of that head I put in my petition, That you'll please to accept this droll exhibition. I hope your attention will honor my story, And the whim of this night may find favor before ye." When the late Mr. Lee Lewis delivered this Lecture at the Theatre Royal, Covent Garden (1780), it was preceded by a prologue, written by Mr. Pilon, which boasted of very little merit. The same gentleman afterwards, and the late Mr. Palmer, at the Royalty Theatre, (1788-9), gave no other introductory matter than the above, which was certainly sufficient. The original lecturer and author, (Mr. Stevens), on commencing the entertainment, stood behind a long table covered with green cloth, resembling a counter, (on the front of which was this motto, As you like it).. Two screens placed behind, obliquely, formed his am- buscade, from whence he took up the heads as he wanted them. He then began with his introductory apology, "Before I presume to meddle," &c. * This is a compliment paid to the original lecturer by Mr. Pilon. The author of The Flitch of Bacon, &c. who wrote " Critical Observations on Mr. Stevens's Lecture upon Heads," (a production which was after- LECTURE ON HEADS. 3 more than once wished on my own shoulders ; but I fear my poor abilities will bring a blush on its cheeks. In this" head Genius erected a temple to Originality, where Fancy and Obsei vation resided ; and from their union sprang this numerous and whimsical progeny. This is the head of George Alexander Stevens, long known, and long respected ; a man universally acknow- ledged of infinite wit and most excellent fancy ; one who gave peculiar grace to the jest, and could set the table on a roar with flashes of merriment : but wit and humour were not his only excellencies ; he possessed a keenness of satire, that made folly hide her head in the highest places, and vice tremble in the bosoms of the great ; but, blessed with that affluence which ge- nius and prudence are sure to acquire in England, the liberal patroness of the fine arts, he afterwards enjoyed that ease his talents had earned, whilst Fame, like an evening sun, gilded the winter of his life with mild, but cheerful beams. With respect, but honest ambi- tion, I have undertaken to fill his place, and hope my attention and zeal to please will speak in behalf of conscious inferiority. Definition of a Head. A HEAD, to speak in the gardener's style, is a mere bulbous excrescence, growing out from between the shoulders like a wen; it is supposed to be a mere expletive, just to wear a hat on, to fill up the hollow of a wig, to take snuff with, or have your hair dressed upon. Some of these heads are manufactured in wood, some in paste-board, which is a hint to show there may not only be block-heads, but also paper-skulls. Physicians acquaint us that, upon any fright or alarm, the spirits fly up into the head, and the blood wards suppressed), represents the then lecturer as one who did not give peculiar grace to the jest. " He en- ters, (says this critic of that day), the right hand door abruptly and awkwardly, and delivers this petit piece of his own, not destitute of wit and humour, but which suffers greatly by his voice and action." — The best actors indeed, even Garrick, have been censured by the hyp ercri tics of their days. B 2 4 LECTURE ON HEADS. rushes violently back to the heart. Hence it is, poli- ticians compare the human constitution and the na- tion's constitution together : they supposing the head to be the court end of the town, and the heart the country ; for people in the country seem to be taking things to heart, and people at court only seem to wish to be at the head of things. We make a mighty bustle about the twenty-four letters ; how many changes they can ring, and how many volumes they have composed ; yet, let us look upon the many millions of mankind, and see if any two faces are alike. Nature never designed several faces which we see ; it is the odd exercise they give the muscles belonging to their visages occasions such looks : As for example ; we meet in the streets with several people talking to themselves, and seem much pleased with such self conversation ; [here take them off]. Some people we see staring at every thing, and wondering with a foolish face of praise [make a face here~] ; some laughing, some crying. Now crying and laughing are contrary effects ; the least alteration of features occa- sions the difference : it is turning up the muscles to laugh, [do so here~\ and down to cry. . Yet laughter is much mistaken, no person being ca- pable of laughing who is incapable of thinking. For some people suddenly break out into violent spasms, ha, ha, ha ! and then, without any gradation, change at once into downright stupidity ; as for example, [here shows the example}. In speaking about faces, we shall now exhibit a bold face. [Shows the head.} Sir Whisky Whiffle. This is Sir Whisky Whiffle : he is one of those min- cing, tittering, tip-toe, tripping animalculae of the times, that flutter about fine women like flies in a flower garden ; as harmless and as constant as their shadows, they dangle by the side of beauty, like part of their watch equipage, as glittering, as light, and as useless. And the ladies suffer such things about them, as they wear soufflee gauze, not as things of value, but merely to make a show with ; they never say any thing to the purpose, but with this in their hands [take up an eye-glass], they stare at ladies, as if they were a jury of astronomers, executing a writ of inquiry upon some beautiful planet : they imagine LECTURE ON HEADS. 5 themselves possessed of the power of a rattle-snake, who can, as it is said, fascinate by a look ; and that every fine woman must, at first sight, fall into their arms. — " Ha ! who's that, Jack ? she 's a devilish fine woman, 'pon honour, an immensely lovely creature : who is she ? She must be one of us ; she must be come-atable, 'pon honour." " No, sir," replies a stran- ger, that overheard him, " she 's a lady of strict virtue." — '* Is she so ? I'll look at her again — ay, ay, she may be a lady of strict virtue, for now I look at her again, there is something devilish ungenteel about her." Knowing Heads. WIGS * as well as books, are furniture for the head, and both wigs and books are sometimes equally vo- luminous. We may therefore suppose this wig [shows a large wig] to be a huge quarto in large paper ; this is a duodecimo in small $nni[tdkes the knowin g head], and this a jockey's head sweated down to ride a sweep- stakes. [Takes the jockey's head.] Now a jockey's head and a horse's head have great affinity, for the jockey's head can pull the horse's head on which side of the post the rider pleases : but what sort of heads must those people have, who know such things are done, and will trust such sinking funds with their capitals. These are a couple of heads, which in the Sportsman's Calendar are called a brace of knowing ones, and as a great many people about London affect to be thought knowing ones, they dress themselves in these fashions, * Here it is where Mr. Stevens's lecture originally began. The preceding character of Sir Whisky Whiffle is written by Mr. Pilon, or rather is Mr. Stevens's head of Sir Dimple Daisy improved. " Here is a head to which no heart of oak belongs. 'Tis the head of one of the Insipids; he is called Sir Dimple Daisy, and these curls aie called love's lap- wings. These delicate insensibles are to be met with at all public places of entertainment — a set of well- dressed dawdling insignificancies, possessing neither sympathies nor antipathies, >' &c. Mr. Stevens also gave a head in high taste, one of the family of the Finicals, which was so strongly allied to the above, that his successors have with great pro- priety omitted it. 6 LECTURE ON HEADS. as if it could add to the dignity of a head to show they have taken their degrees from students in the stable, up to the master's of arts upon a coach-box. [Gives the two heads off, and takes the book-case.^ Wooden Heads, The phrase of wooden-heads is no longer paradoxi- cal, some people fit up wooden studies, cabinet-makers become book-makers, and a man may show a parade of much reading by only the assistance of a timber- merchant. A student in the Temple may be furnished with a collection of law books cut from a whipping- post ; physical dictionaries may be had in Jesuit's bark ; a treatise upon duels in touchwood; the history" of Opposition. in worm-wood; Shakespear's works in cedar, his commentators' in rotten-wood ; the review- ers in birch ; and the history of England in heart of oak. Mankind now make use of substitutes in more things than book making and militia men ; some husbands are apt to substitute inferior women to their own ladies, like the idiot, who exchanged a brilliant for a piece of broken looking-glass: — of such husbands we can only say, they have borrowed their education from these" libraries, and have very wooden, very wooden heads indeed. [Gives it off.~] A Foolish Head. Here's a head full charged for fun [takes the head], a comical half-foolish face, what a great many upon the stage can put on, and what a great many people, not upon the stage, can't put off. This man always laughed at what he said himself, and he imagined a man of wit must always be upon the broad grin : and whenever he was in company, he was always teasing some one to be merry, saying, Now you, Muster what do you call 'em ? do now say something to make us all laugh ; come now do be comical a little. But if there is no other person will speak, he will threaten to tell you a story to make you die with laughing, and he will assure you, it is the' most bestest and most comicallest story that ever you heard in all your born days ; and he always interlards his narration with, so as I was a saying, says I, and so as he was a saying, says he ; so says he to me, and I to him, and he to me again ;•—• LECTURE ON HEADS. 7 did you ever hear any thing more eomical in all your born days ? But after he had concluded his narration, not finding any person even to smile at what he sail, struck with the disappointment, he puts on a sad face himself, and looking round upon the company, he says, It was a good story zvhen I heard it too : why then so, and so, and so, that sail, that sail, gentlemen. [Puts on a foolish look, and gives the head off.] Master Jacky. Here is Master Jacky [takes the head'], Mama's darling ; when she was with child of him, she dreamt she was brought to bed of a pincushion. He was never suffered to look into a book, for fear of making him round-shouldered, yet he was an immense scholar for all that : his mama's woman had taught him ail Hoyle by heart, and he could calculate to a single tea- spoonful how much cream should be put into a codlin tart. He wears a piece of lace which seems purloined from a lady's tucker, and placed here, to show that such beings as these can make no other use of ladies favours than to expose them. Horace had certainly such a character in view by his dulcissimwt,sa hat over it]. This is a hat in high taste at the upper end of the town ; and this [takes the head] a bonnet in high taste at the lower end of the town : not more different are these two heads in their dresses than they are in their manner of con- versation ; this makes use of a delicate dialect, it being thought polite pronunciation to say, instead of can not, ca/ant ; must not, ma'ant ; shall not, sha'ant. This clipping of letters would be extremely detrimental to the current coin of conversation, did not these good dames make ample amends, by adding supernumerary syllables; when they talk of break fastes, and toastesses, and running their heads against the postesses, to avoid the wild beastesses. These female orators, brought up at the bar of Billingsgate, have a peculiar way of ex- pressing themselves, which, however indelicate it may seem to more civilized ears, is exactly conformable to the way of ancient oratory ; the difference between an- cient and modern oratory, consists in saying some- thing or nothing to the purpose; some people talk without saying any thing ; some people don't care what they say ; some married men would be glad to have nothing to say to their wives ; and some hus- bands would be full as glad if their wives had not any thing to say to them. [Gives the heads off.] LECTURE ON HEADS 25 The Debate Reporter. Ancient oratory is the knack of putting words, not things, together ; for speech-makers now are esti- mated, not by the merit, but by the length of their harangues; they are minuted as we do galloping horses, and their goodness rated according as they hold out against time. For example, a gentleman lately coming into a coffee-house, and expressing himself highly pleased with some debates which he had just then heard, one of his acquaintance begged the favour he would tell the company what the debates were about. " About, sir ?— Yes, sir.— About, — what were they debating about ? Why they were about five hours long. 5 '—" But what did they say, sir ?"— " What did they say, sir? Why one man said every thing; he was up two hours, three quarters, nineteen seconds, and five-eighths, by my watch, which is the best stop- watch in England : so if I don't know what he said, who should ? For I had my eye upon my watch all the time he was speaking."—" Which side was he of ?"— " Which side was he of ?— Why, he was of my side, I stood close by him all the time." The Groaners and Grinners. Here are the busts of two ancient laughing and crying philosophers, or orators [takes the two heads up.~] These in their lifetimes were heads of two powerful factions, called the Groaners and the Grin- ners, [holds one head in each hand /] this, Don Dis- mal's faction, is a representation of that discontented part of mankind, who are always railing at the times, and the world, and the people of the world. This is a good-natured fellow, that made the best of every thing ; and this Don Dismal would attack his brother — "Oh brother! brother! brother! what will this world come to ?" — '* The same place it set out from this day twelvemonth." — " When will the nation's debt be paid off." — " Will you pass your word for it ?" " These are very slippery times — very slippery times." " They are always so in frosty weather.'' " What's become of our liberty, where shall we find liberty ?" ** In Ireland to be sure." " I can't bear to see such C ck 26 LECTURE ON HEADS. times." "Shut your eyes, then." [Gives the heads Ladies' Wigs.* Formerly our fair countrywomen boasted of large hoops, long waists, and high head-dresses ; but be- hold them now, sans hoops, sans waists, and sans tetes. Ladies of former times were overloaded with dress — ladies of the present day have very little covering. In one thing, however, the ancient and modern fe- male heads agree— false hair : [shows two heads'] this ancient lady has a tete of horse-hair, [takes'it off] and this modern lady wears — a wig [takes it off.] Now, as all fashions descend to our inferiors, a ser- vant maid, as soon as she received her quarter's wages, purchased a wig from an old Jew ; but before she had finished at her garret dressing-table, a knock at the door induced her to look out of the window to see who the bold intruder was— unfortunately the wind was high — and she no sooner popped her head out than the wig flew off, to the no small entertain- ment of all the passers by, and her new-purchased finery having been picked up by a shoe-cleaner, was afterwards made use of in wiping her master's boots. A young female Quaker, and remarks on artificial Complexions. Horace, in describing a fine woman, makes use of two Latin words which are, simplex munditiis. Now these two words cannot be properly translated; their best interpretation is that of a young female quaker [takes the head] : such is the effect of native neatness; here is no bundle of hair to set her off, no jewels to adorn her, nor artificial complexion. Yet there is a certain odium which satire has dared to charge our English ladies with, which is plastering their features with white-wash, or rubbing rouge or red, upon their faces [gives the head off] ; women of the town * Mr. Pilon's addition here, being upon ladies' tetes now out of fashion, we have endeavoured to substitute something more applicable to the present times. LECTURE ON HEADS. 27 may lay on red, because, like pirates, the dexterity of their profession consists in their engaging under false colours; hut for the delicate, the inculpable part of the sex to vermilion their faces, seems as if ladies would fish for lovers as men bait for mackarel, by hanging something red upon the hook ; or that they imagined men to be of the bull, or turkey-cock kind, that would fly at anything scarlet [takes the head qff\ But such practitioners should remember that their faces are the works of their Creator :— -if bad, hew dare they mend it ?— if good, why mend it ? Are they ashamed of his work, and proud of their own ? If any such there be, let them lay by the art, and blush not to appear that he blushes not to have made them. The Girdle of Good Temper a preservative to Beauty. If any lady should be offended with the lecturer's daring to take such liberties with her sex, by way of atonement for that part of my behaviour which may appear culpable, I humbly beg leave to offer a nos- trum, or recipe, to preserve the ladies' faces in perpe- tual bloom, and defend beauty from all assaults of time ; and I dare venture to affirm, not all the paints, pomatums, or washes, can be of so much service to make the ladies look lovely, as the application of this — [shows the girdle of good temper'] — let but the ladies wear this noble order, and they never will be angry with me ; this is the grand secret of attraction, this is the girdle of Venus, which Juno borrowed to make herself appear lovely to her husband Jupiter ; and what is here humbly recommended to all married folks of every denomination; and to them I appeal, whether husband or wife, wife or husband, do not alternately wish each other would wear this girdle ? But here lies the mistake, while the husband begs his wife, the wife insists upon the husband's putting it on ; in the contention the girdle drops down be- tween them, and neither of them will condescend to stoop first to take it up— [lays down the girdle].— Bear and forbear, give and forgive, are the four chariot wheels that carry Love to heaven : Peace, Lowliness, "Fervency, and Taste are the four radiant horses that draw it. Many people have been all their lifetime making this chariot, without ever being able to put one wheel to it; their horses have most of C 2 28 LECTURE ON HEADS. , them got the string-halt, and that is the reason why married people now-a-days walk a foot to the Elysian Fields. Many a couple who live in splendour think they keep the only carriage that can convey them to happiness, but their vehicle is too often the post-coach of ruin; the horses that draw it, are Vanity, Insolence, Luxury, and Credit ; the footmen who ride behind it are, Pride, Lust, Tyranny, and Oppression ; the ser- vants out of livery, that wait at table, are Folly and Wantonness; then Sickness and Death take away. Were ladies once to see themselves in an ill temper, I question if ever again they would choose to appear in such a character. Matrimonial Pictures. Here is a lady [takes up the picture"] in her true tranquil state of mind, in that amiableness of disposi- tion which makes foreigners declare, that an English lady, when she chooses to be in temper, and chooses to be herself, is the most lovely figure in the uni- verse ; and on the reverse of this medallion is the same lady, when she chooses not to be in temper, and not to be herself [turns the picture}. This face is put on when she is disappointed of her masquerade habit, when she has lost a sans prendre, when her lap-dog's foot is trod upon, or when her husband has dared to contradict her. Some married ladies may have great cause of complaint against their husbands' irregular- ities ; but is this a face to make those husbands better ? Surely no — it is only by such looks as these [turns the picture'] they are to be won; and may the ladies hereafter only wear such looks, and may this never more be known — [turns the picture] — only as a pic- ture taken out of iEsop's fables. [Gives off the picture]. May each married lady preserve her good man, And young ones get good ones as fast as they can. It is very remarkable there should be such a plenty ful harvest of courtship before marriage, and gene- rally such a famine afterwards. Courtship is a fine bowling-green turf, all galloping round, and sweet-hearting, a sun-shine holiday in summer time. But when once through matrimony's turnpike, the weather becomes wintry, and some hus- LECTURE ON HEADS. 29 bands are seized with a cold aguish fit, to which the faculty have given this name [shows the girdle of indifference']. Courtship is Matrimony's running foot- man, bnt seldom stays to see the stocking thrown ; it is too often carried away by the two grand preser- vatives of matrimonial friendship, delicacy and gm- titude. There is also another distemper very mortal to the honey-moon, it is what the ladies are sometimes seized with, and the college of physicians call it by this title — [shows the girdle of the sullens]. This dis- temper generally arises from some ill-conditioned speech, with which the lady has been hurt ; who then leaning on her elbow upon the breakfast-table, her cheek resting upon the palm of her hand, her eyes fixed earnestly upon the fire, her feet beating tattoo time : — the husband in the meanwhile biting his lips, pulling down his ruffles, stamping about the room, and looking at his lady like the devil. At last he abruptly demands of her, " What 's the matter with you, madam ?" The lady mildly replies, " Nothing." " What is it you do mean, madam?" ' ' Nothing." ** What would you make me, madam V* " Nothing." " What is it I have done to you, madam?" " O — h— nothing." And this quarrel arose as they sat at breakfast : — the lady very innocently observed, (i She believed the tea was made with Thames water." The husband, in mere contradiction, insisted upon it, that the tea-kettle was filled out of the New River. From a scene of matrimonial tumult, here is one of matrimonial tranquillity. [Matrimonial picture brought on, and you go forward]. Here is an after- dinner wedlock tete-a-tete, a mere matrimonial vis-a- vis; the husband in a yawning state of dissipation, and the lady in almost the same drowsy attitude, called a nothing-to-doishness. If an unexpected visi- tor should happen to break in upon their solitude, the lady, in her apology, declares that " she is hor- ribly chagrined, and most immensely out of counte- nance, to be caught in such a dishabille : but, upon honour, she did not mind how her clothes weie huddled on, not expecting any company, there being nobody at home but her husband*" 30 LECTURE ON HEADS. The gentleman, he shakes his guest by the hand, and says, " I am heartily glad to see you, Jack ; I don't know how it was, I was almost asleep ; for as there was nohody at home but my wife, I did not know what to do" with myself." END OF PART III. LECTURE ON HEADS. PART IV. THE LAW. WE shall now consider the law, as our laws are very considerable, both in bulk and number, according as the statutes declare ; considerandi, considerando, con- siderandum ; and are not to be meddled with by those that don't understand them. Law always expresses itself with true grammatical precision, never con- founding moods, cases, or genders, except indeed when a woman happens accidentally to be slain, then the verdict is always brought in man-slaughter. The essence of the law is altercation ; for the law can al- tercate, fulminate, deprecate, irritate, and go on at any rate: — now the quintessence of the law has, according to its name, five parts. The first, is the beginning, or insipiendum ; the second, the uncer- tainty, or dubitendum ; the third, delay, or puzzlien- dum ; fourthly, replication without endum ; and, fifthly, monstrum and hotrendum. Daniel versus Dishclout. All which are exemplified in the following case, Daniel against Dishclout. Daniel was groom in the same family wherein Dishclout was cook-maid, and Daniel returning home one day fuddled, he stooped down to take a sop out of the dripping-pan ; Dish- clout pushed him into the dripping-pan, which spoiled his clothes, and he was advised to bring his action against the cook-maid ; the pleadings of which were as follow. The first person who spoke was Mr. Ser- jeant Snuffle. He began, sayings " Since I have the honour to be pitched upon to open this cause to your Lordship, I shall not impertinently presume to take up any of your Lordship's time by a round-about cir- cumlocutory manner of speaking or talking quite foreign to the purpose, and not any ways relating to the matter in hand. I shall, I will, I design to show what damages my client has sustained hereupon, iy hereupon, and thereupon. Now, my lord, my client 32 LECTURE ON HEADS* being a servant in the same family with Dishclout, and not being at board wages, imagined he had a right to the fee-simple of the dripping-pan, therefore he made an attempt on the sop with his right hand, which the defendant replevied with her left, tripped us up, and tumbled us into the dripping-pan. Now, in Broughton's Reports, Slack versus Smallwood, it is said, that primus strocus sine jocus, absolutus est provokus ; now, who gave the primus strocus ? Who gave the first offence ? Why, the cook ; she brought the dripping-pan there; for, my lord, though we will allow, if we had not been there, we could not have been thrown down there, yet, my lord, if the dripping- pan had not been there, for lis to have tumbled down into, we could not have tumbled into the dripping- pan." The next counsel on the same side began with, " My lord, he who makes use of many words, to no purpose, has not much to say for himself, therefore I shall come. to the point at once, at once and imme- diately I shall come to the point. My client was in liquor, the liquor in him having served an ejectment upon his understanding, common sense was nonsuited, and he was a man besides himself, as Dr. Bibibus de- clares, in his Dissertation upon Bumpers, in the 139th folio volume of the Abridgment of the Statutes, page 1286, he says, that a drunken man is homo du- plicans, or a double man ; not only because he sees things double, but also because he is not as he should be, profecto ipse he, but is as he should not be, de- fecto tipse he." The counsel on the other side rose up gracefully, playing with his ruffles prettily, and tossing the ties of his wig about emphatically. He began with, " My lord, and you, gentlemen of the jury, I humbly do conceive, I have the authority to declare, that I am counsel in this case for the defendant ; therefore, my lord, I shall not flourish away in words ; words are no more than filagree works. Some people may think them an embellishment, but to me it is a mat- ter of astonishment, how any one can be so imperti- nent to the detriment of all rudiment. But, my lord, this, is not to be looked at through the medium of right and wrong ; for the law knows no medium, and aright and wrong are but its shadows. Now, in the first place, they have called a kitchen my client's pre- mises ; a kitchen is not a warehouse, nor a wash- LECTURE ON HEADS. 33 house, a brewhouse, nor a bakehouse, an inn-house, nor an outhouse, nor a dwelling-house; no, my lord, it is absolutely and bona fide neither more nor less than a kitchen, or, as the law more classically ex- presses, a kitchen is, camera necessaria pro urns cookare ; cum sauce pannis, stew-pannis, scullero, dressero, coalholo, stovis, smoak jacko,pro roastandum, boilandum, fryandum, et plumpudding mixandum, pro turtle soupos, calve's head hashibus, cum calipee et calepashibus. " But we shall not avail ourselves of an alibi, but admit of the existence of a cook-maid Now, my lord, we shall take it upon a new ground, and beg a new trial ; for as they have curtailed our name, from plain Mary into Moll, I hope the court will not allow of this ; for if they were to allow of mistakes, what would the law do; for when the law don't find mistakes, it is the business of the law to make them." Therefore the court allowed them the liberty of a new trial ; for the law is our liberty, and it is happy for us we have the liberty to go to law. Nobody, Anybody, Somebody, and Everybody. By all the laws of laughing, every man is at liberty to play the fool with himself; but some people, fear- ful it would take from their consequence, choose to do it by proxy ; hence comes the appearance of keep- ful fools in great families, [takes the head;'] thus are they dressed, and show by this party-coloured garment, they are related to all the wise families in the king- dom. This is a fool's-cap, 'tis put upon Nobody's head ; Nobody's face is without features, because we could not put Anybody's face upon Nobody's head. This is the head of Somebody [takes the head,] it has two faces, for Somebody is supposed to carry two faces ; one of these faces is handsome, the other rather ill-favoured : the handsome face is exhibited as a hint to that part of mankind who are always whispering among their acquaintance, how well they are with Somebody, and that Somebody is a very fine woman. One of those boasters of beauty, one night at a tavern, relating his amazing amours, the toast-master called him to order, and a gentleman, in a frolic, instead of naming any living lady for his toast, gave the Greek name of the tragic muse, Melpomene ; upon which this boaster of beauty, the moment he heard the word C 5 34 LECTURE ON HEADS. Melpomene, addresses the toast-master, " Oh ! ho ! Mr. Toast-master, you are going a round of demireps. —Ay, ay, Moll Pomonc, I remember her very well, she was a very fine girl, and so was her sister, Bet Po- mone; I had 'em both at a certain house, you know where." Can we help smiling at the partiality of the present times— that a man should be transported if he snare a hare, or net a partridge, and yet there is no punishment for those whisperers away of ladies' repu- tations ? But ill tongues would fall hurtless, were there no believers to give them credit, as robbers could not continue to pilfer, were there no receivers of stolen goods. Here is the head [takes it] of Anybody, with his eyes closed, his mouth shut, and his ears stopped, and this is exhibited as an emblem of wisdom ; and Anybody may become wise, if they will not spy into the faults of others, tell tales of others, nor listen to the tales of others, but mind their own business, and be satisfied. Here is the head [takes it] of Everybody, [turns the head round;] this is to show how people dread popular clamour, or what all the world will say, or what Everybody will say ; nay, there is not a poor country wench, when her young master the 'squire attempts to delude her, but will immediately reply to him, " Lord ! — your honour ! — what will the world say?" And this what will the world say, is what Everybody is anxious after, although it is hardly worth Anybody's while to trouble their heads with the world's sayings. These four heads of Nobody, Everybody, Somebody, and Anybody, form a fifth head, called a Busybody ; the Busybody is always anxious after something about Somebody ; he'll keep company with Anybody, to find out Everybody's business, and is only at a loss when this head stops his pursuit, and Nobody will give him an answer. It is from these four heads the fib of each day is fabricated ; Suspicion begets the morning whis- per, the gossip Report circulates it as a secret, wide- mouthed Wonder gives Credulity credit for it, and Self-interest authenticates, that, as Anybody may be set to work by Somebody, Everybody is alarmed at it, and at last there is Nobody knows any thing at all of the matter. From these four heads people purchase lottery-tickets, although calculation demonstrates the odds are so much against them ; but Hope flatters them, Fancy makes them believe, and Expectation observes, that the twenty thousand pounds prizes LECTURE ON HEADS. 35 must come to Somebody, [Gives the head off J arid as Anybody may have them, [Gives the head off~\ and Nobody knows who, [Gives the head off~\ Everybody buys lottery tickets. — [Gives the head off.'} Flattery. Most difficult it is for any single speaker long to preserve the attention of his auditors : nay, he could not continue speaking, conscious of that difficulty, did he not depend greatly on the humanity of his hearers. Yet it is not Flattery prompts the lecturer to this address ; for, to show in how odious a light he holds flattery, he here exposes the head of Flattery. [Takes the head.~] This being, called Flattery, was begat upon Poverty by Wit ; and that is the reason why poor wits are always the greatest flatterers. The ancients had several days they called lucky and un- lucky ones ; they were marked as white and black days. Thus is the face of Flattery distinguished: to the lucky she shows her white, or shining profile ; to the unlucky she is always in eclipse ; but, on the least appearance of Calamity, immediately Flattery changes into reproach. [Opens the head.'] How easy the transition is from flattery into reproach ; the moral of which is, that it is a reproach to our understandings to suffer flattery. But some people are so fond of that incense, that they greedily accept it, though they despise the hand that offers it, without considering the receiver is as bad as the thief. As every head here is intended to convey some moral, the moral of this head is as follows : — this head was the occasion of the first duel that ever was fought ; it then standing on a pillar, in the centre, where four roads met. Two knight-errants, one from the north, and one from the south, arrived at the pillar at the same instant, whereon this head was placed; one of the knight- errants, who only saw this side of the head, called out, " It was a shame to trust a silver head by the road side." " A silver head," replied the knight who only saw this side of the head, "it's a black head." Flat contradiction produced fatal demonstration; their swords flew out, and they hacked and hewed one an- other so long, that at last, fainting with loss of blood, they fell on the ground ; then, lifting up their eyes, they discovered their mistake concerning this image. A venerable hermit coming by, bound up 36 LECTURE ON HEADS. their wounds, placed them again on horseback, and gave them this piece of advice, — That they never hereafter should engage in any parties, or take part in any dispute, without having previously examined both sides of the question. A Frenchman and a British Tar. Here is the head of a Frenchman — {shows the head] — all levity and lightness, singing and capering from morning till night, as if he looked upon life to be but a long dance, and liberty and law but a jig. Yet Monsieur talks in high strains of the law, though he live in a country that knows no law but the caprice of an absolute upstart. Has he property ? An edict from the emperor can take it, and the slave is satisfied. Pursue him to the dismal dungeon in the country to which a lettre de cachet conveys him, and buries the wretch for life : there see him in all his misery ; — ask him " What is the cause ?" " Jene scat pas : it is the will of de emperor." Give him a soup maigre, a little sallad, and a hind quarter of a frog, and he is in spirits He is now the declared enemy of Great Britain: ask him "Why? — has England done your country any injury?" "Oh no." "What then is your cause of quarrel ?" " England, sir, give too much liberty to de press. Bonaparte do no like it. Your British constitution do not agree with his — he vant to alter it — he vill make you alter it." — " Make ! Hark you, monsieur, is France able to cope with England on her own element, the sea ?" '■' Oh ! pour- quoi non ? Why not ?" Here is the head of a British tar ; [shows the head] and while England can man her navy with thousands of his spirits, Monsieur's threats are in vain. Here is a man who despises danger, wounds, and death ; he fights with the spirit of a lion, and, as if, like a salamander, his element was fire, gets fresh courage as the action grows hotter ; he knows no disgrace like striking to the French flag ; no re- ward for past services so ample as a wooden leg, and no retreat so honourable as Greenwich Hospital. Con- trast his behaviour with that of a French sailor, who must have a drawn sword over his head to make him stand to his gun, who runs trembling to the priest for an absolution — " Ah, mon bon pere, avez pitie de moi /" when he should look on death like a man. This brave tar attended the gallant Nelson in his last LECTURE ON HEADS. 37 glorious exploit, and returned with his dear remains to attend him to the grave, when his account was that Monsieur hid his face, [puts by the head'] while he and his comrades did their duty ! A Spaniard and a Dutchman, Here is the head of a Spaniard, [shows the Mad'] a combination of gravity and pride, who, having once made a vain attempt "to invade old England, joins hands with Monsieur, (though quite the contrast of himself, being all levity and insignificance), in hopes that the French emperor's Invincibles would have been more fortunate than his. Still he finds our hearts of oak not only impenetrable, but penetrating fighters. The Frenchman, vain and sanguine to the last, en- courages his ally to persevere. — "Attendre, attendre, mon cher ami." — " Wait, my good friend, we shall get the game yet." — f Certainly," replies the grave Don, "for we get all the rubbers." But whilst these two are mourning over their losses by the war, here comes another to complete the procession of madness and folly. This is the head [shows it] of Mynheer Van Neverfelt Large Breecho Love Cabbeecho Dutch Doggero, a great merchant at Rotterdam, who had amassed an immense fortune by supplying the enemies of Great Britain with hemp, and who, if he had his deserts, should die as he has lived by it. He considers treaties as mere court promises, and these, in the vul- gar acceptation of a pye-crust, whenever they cover any advantage, it is but breaking them, and down with friendship and honour in a bite. He looks upon interest to be the true law of nature, and principle a sinking fund, in which no Dutchman should be con- cerned. He looks upon money to be the greatest good upon earth ; and a pickled herring the greatest dainty. If you ask him what wisdom is, he '11 an- swer you, stock. If you ask him what benevolence is, he '11" reply, stock; and should you inquire who made him, he would say, stock ; for stock is the only deity he bows down to. If you would judge of his wit," his whole stock lies in a pipe of tobacco : and if you would judge of his conversation, a bull and a bear are his stock companions. When men have eminently distinguished them- selves in arts or arms, their characters should be held up to the public with every mark of honour, to 38 LECTURE ON HEADS. inspire the young candidate for fame with a generous emulation. There is a noble enthusiasm in great minds, which not only inclines them to behold illus- trious actions with wonder and delight, but kindles also a desire of attaining the same degree of excellence. The Romans, who well knew this principle in human nature, decreed triumphs to their generals — erected obelisks and statues in commemoration of their vic- tories ; and, to this day, the cabinet of the antiquary preserves records of the victories of a Germanicus, the generosity of a Titus, or the peaceful virtues of an Antoninus. Why, then, should not England adopt the practice of the Romans, a people who reached the highest pinnacle of military glory ? It is true, that some of our great generals have marble monuments in Westminster Abbey ; but why should not the living enjoy the full inheritance of their laurels ? If they deserve to have their victories proclaimed to the world by the voice of Fame, let it be when men are sensible to the sweetness of her trumpet; for she will then sound like an angel in their ears. A British Hero, Here is the head of a British hero ; a title seldom conferred, and as seldom merited, till the ardent valour of the youthful warrior is ripened into the wisdom and cool intrepidity of the veteran. He en- tered the service with the principles of a soldier and a patriot, the love of fame, and the love of his country. His mind active and vigorous — burning with the thirst of honour — flew to posts of danger with a rapidity which gave tenfold value to his military exertions, and rendered his onsets terrible as resistless. No ex- pedition appeared to him either difficult or impracti- cable that was to be undertaken for the good of the cause he had embarked in. When the Turks were almost ruined by the machinations of a Corsican, like a good Christian he came to their relief, and made the spoiler flee from Acre. Fortune seemed enam- oured with his valour, for when he became a prisoner in France, she assisted his escape in a most wonderful manner. As he is yet in the prime of youthr, there is nothing too great to be expected from him. . He has already proved himself a British hero, and may every British hero prove himself— a Sir Sidney Smith. END OF PART IV. LECTURE ON HEADS. PART V. A COMPENDIUM OF LAW. WE shall now return to the law, for our laws are full of returns, and. we shall show a compendium of law [takes the wig]. — Parts of practice in the twist of the tail. The depth of a full bottom denotes the length of a chancery suit, and the black coif behind, like a blistering plaister, seems to show us that law is a great irritator, and only to be used in cases of necessity. We shall now beg leave to change the fashion of the head-dress, for, like a poor perriwig-maker, I am obliged to mount several patterns on the same block. [Puts on the wig, and takes the nosegay.] Law is— law, — law is law, and as in such and so forth, and hereby, and aforesaid, provided always, nevertheless, notwithstanding. Law is like a country dance, people are led up and down in it till they are tired. Law is like a book of surgery, there are a great many terrible cases in it. It is also like physic, they that take least of it are best off. Law is like a homely gentlewoman, very well to follow. Law is also like a scolding wife, very bad when it follows us. Law is like a new fashion, people are bewitched to get into it ; it is also like bad weather, most people are glad when they get out of it. Bullum versus Boatum. We now shall mention a cause called ' Bullum ver- sus Boatum, it was a cause that came before me. The cause was as follows: — There were two farmers, farmer A, and farmer B. Farmer A was seised or possessed of a bull ; farmer B was seised or possessed of a ferry-boat. Now the own- er of the ferry-boat having made his boat fast to a post on shore, with a piece of hay, twisted rope fashion, or as we say, vulgo vocato, a hay-band. After he had 40 LECTURE ON HEADS. made his boat fast to a post on shore, as it was very- natural for a hungry man to do, he went up town to dinner; farmer A.'s bull, as it was very natural for a hungry bull to do, came down town to look for a din- ner ; and the bull observing, discovering, seeing, and spying out, some turnips in the bottom of the ferry- boat, the bull scrambled into the ferry-boat — he eat up the turnips ; and, to make an end of his meal, he fell to work upon the hay-band : the boat being eat from its moorings, floated down the river, with the bull in it : it struck against a rock — beat a hole in the bottom of the boat, and tossed the bull overboard : whereupon the owner of the bull brought his action against the boat, for running away with the bull : — the owner of the boat brought his action against the bull for running away with the boat. And thus no- tice of trial was given Bullum versus Boatum, Boatum versus Bullum. Now the counsel for the bull began with saying, " My lord, and you, gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this cause for the bull. — We are indicted for running away with the boat. Now, my lord, we have heard of running horses, but never of running bulls before. Now, my lord, the bull could no more run away with the boat than a man in a coach may be said to run away with the horses ; therefore, my lord, how can we punish what is not punishable ? How can we eat what is not eatable ? Or, how can we drink what is not drinkable ? Or, as the law says, how can we think on what is not think- able ? Therefore, my lord, as we are counsel in this cause for the bull, if the jury should bring the bull in guilty, the jury would be guilty of a bull." The counsel for the boat observed, that the bull should be nonsuited, because, in his declaration, he had not specified what colour he was ; for thus wisely and thus learnedly spoke the counsel : — " My lord, if the bull was of no colour, he must be of some colour ; and if he was not of any colour, what colour could the bull be ?" I overruled this motion myself, by ob- serving the bull was a white bull, and that white is no <»lour , besides, as I told my brethren, they should not trouble their heads to talk of colour in the law, for the law can colour anything. This cause being afterwards left to a reference, upon the award, both bull and boat were acquitted, it being proved that the tide of the river carried them both away, upon which I gave it, as my opinion, that as the tide of the rives LECTURE OX HEADS. 41 carried both bull and boat away., both bull and boat had a good action against the water bailiff. My opinion being taken, an action was issued, and, upon the traverse, this point of law arose, how, wherefore, and whether, why, when, and what, what- soever, whereas, and whereby, as the boat was not a compos mentis evidence, how "could an oath be admi- nistered ? That point was soon settled by Boatum^ attorney declaring, that for his client he would swear anything. The water-bailiff's charter was then read, taken out of the original record in true law Latin; which set forth in their declaration that they were carried away either by the tide of flood or the tide of ebb. The" charter of the water-bailiff was as follows : — Aqu When a quantum suff. Is took of the stuff, Elixir nouveau de I 'argent. When sickness voluptuousness seizes, The medical corps in array, Sword by side take the field 'gainst diseases, And, Swiss-like, give battle for pay. Not a word of self Accepting the pelf, That lesson the learned ne'er con, But faith we're fiamm'd, We might die and be damn'd, But for our Elixir V argent. HERE GOES. Tune — To sigh or complain. COME care-curing Mirth From Wit's bower forth, Bring Humour, your brother, along, Hospitality 's here, And Harmony near, To chorus droll Sentiment's song„ In Comedy trim, Joke, Gesture, and Whim, With trios will keep up the ball i * By order of Taste We open the feast Of Friendship in Liberty Hall. M SONGS, Who'll President be ? Unanimity, see He 's order'd to sit as our host ; My Lord Common Sense, With pains and expense, Introduced him to give out the toast. Though Scandal we hate, Only good we hold great, Nor any for title's sake praise; Unworthy 's that name, No merit can claim But what genealogies raise. In this anno dom., we Would felicity see, I '11 demonstrate how easy we could ; Change fault-finding elves To mending ourselves, Then things might be soon as they should. Some wives read their mates Curtain-lectures, debates, And wonder they 're not understood ; The husband 's perplex'd^ And the lady is vex'd, 'Cause every thing 's not as it should. If pension, or place, Is the gift of his Grace, Refusal would be over-nice, Plum-pudding on board, And press'd by my Lord, Who would not come in for a slice ? Corruption 's the cry, Opposition runs high, SONGS, 123 Yet who can help laughing to see, Though Faction 's so big ilmbo Tory and Whig In one part both parties agree. For the kingdom of man, Division 's the plan, By the laws of the Cyprian court, The ladies must yield, When our standard we wield, And what we advance they support. For a bumper I call — Here 's the sovereign of all, The spring from which all honour flows, From thence we all came, So we go to that same, Here 's to it, and to it, here goes. DICK AND DOLL. Tune— I'm like a skiff on the ocean toss'd. AS one bright summer's sultry day, For sake of shade I sought the grove ; Through thickset hedge, on top of hay, I met with mutual Love : A youth with one arm round his pretty girl's waist, On small swelling breasts he his other hand plac'd, While she cry'd, " Dick be still, "* Pray tell me what 's your will?" " I come," quoth Dick, " to have some chat," And close to hers, his lips he squeez'd ; " I guess," cries Doll, " what you'd be at, "But now I won't be teaz'd." 124 SONGS. She strove to rise up, but his strength held her down, She call'd out for help, and petition'd the clown, *' O Dick, dear, let me rise, '* The sun puts out my eyes. " I'll tear your soul out! — Lord ! these men, " If ever — well — I won't submit. — " Why ? what ? the devil .'—curse me then ! (t You '11 fling me into a fit." Down, like a bent lily, her head dropp'd aslant, Her eyes lost the day-light, her breath became scant, And, feebly, on her tongue Expiring accents hung. The chorus birds sung o'er their heads, The breeze blew rustling through the grove, Sweet smelt the hay, on new-mown meads, All seem'd the scene of Love. Dick offer'd to lift up the lass as she lay, A look, full of tenderness, told, him to stay; " So soon, Dick, will you go ? " I wish — dear me ! — heigh ho !" Vibrating with heart-heaving sighs, Her tucker trembling to and fro% Her crimson'd cheeks, her glist'ning eyes, Proclaim'd possession's glow. Dick bid her farewell, but she, languishing, cry'd, As wanton she play'd by her fall'n shepherd's side, «« A moment ! pray sit still, " Since now you've had your will. 1 Lord !" cries the girl, "you hasty men, " Of love afford but one poor proof; ; Our fowls at home, each sparrow hen, " Is ten times better off;—* SONGS. 125 re lost, fill the blank with grimace, And pantomime scorn by your power of face ; If Merit dares speak, and he's known to be poor, Knock him down with a bet, then your triumph 's secure. With high-varnish'd masters, and bronzed bustos graced, Your house, like a toy shop, is lumber'd in taste. All, all are antiques, Ciceroni procures, For who dares deceive such complete connoisseurs £» SONGS. 129 The worth of a man, say the wise, is his pence; 'Twas said so, and so it will centuries hence, Then money's the thing, the grand pimp that pro- cures Full work for the wits, when she forms connoisseurs. Sing tantararara taste all. THE SONGSTER'S HORN-BOOK. Tune— A lly Croker, GREAT A was alarm'd at B's bad behav'our, Because he refused C, D, E, F, favour, G got a husband, with H, I, K, and L, M marry'd Mary, and scholars taught to spell. A, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, k, 1, m, &c. It went hard at first with N, O, P, and Q, With R, S, T, single and also double U ; With X and Y it stuck in their gizzards, 'Till they were made friends by the two crooked izzards. This A, B, C, though so little it is thought about, Each change in the world, by its power has brought about ; 'Tis the ground- work of wisdom, of science the key, sir, What can a man know, who don't know A, B, C, sir ? Some fiddlers, in dress, pretend to ape their betters, They had better mind their horn-book, and study all their letters ; Their knowledge now no farther goes, from A, B, C, sir, To the four more letters call'd D, E, F, and G, sir. 65 130 SONGS. As to words, 'tis not worth while to mind their pre- cision, If we through the gamut can run a division ; The annals of England, to our shame will tell ye, That Newton was nothing to fine Farinelli. How ravishing that swell ! what sweet Symplixmina f What Catabilis! what taste! Ah cava divina! O chigusto the voice of Signior Sustinuti, Miltonic the language of Tace titti tutti ! As insects will cluster round pots full of honey, Imported illiberals swarm for our money, Sense is scared off by Sound, and Trash over Taste glories, Only Show 'tis succeeds now, O Temporal O Mores ! This A, B, C, excuse without ceremoni, My hoarse voice and. harmony is not unisoni; If you censure my singing, for censure is free, sir, As a songster, remember I 'm but in A, B, C, sir. A, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, k, 1, m, &c. COMMON SENSE. Tune, One morning young Roger accosted me thus. ONE night having nothing to do— nor to drink, I began a new practice, and that was to think ; What my subject should be, kept me some time in doubt, I consider'd, at last — what toe all were about. Such frauds and such fractions, such follies, such fictions, Such out-of-door clamours, and in contradictions; SONGS. 131 What must this be owing to ? why ? or from whence ? What is it we want ?— why, we want Common Sense. O yes ! who can tell us where Common Sense dwells ? Does it burnish gold roofs, or strew rushes in cells ? Does it beam in the mine ? does it swim in the sea ? Does it wing the wide air ? does it blossom the tree ? If folks would accept Common Sense as their guest, With meum and tuum at home they '11 be bless'd ? Not lunatic lacqueys run mad up and down, Nor mind any business but what was their own. But which is the way to find Common Sense out ? She feasts not on turtle ; — cuts in at no rout ? — Get the tub-cynic's lanthorn, we won't mind expense, But look by its light 'till we spy Common Sense. If chance she is seen, though for fear we mistake her. She 's natively neat, like a lovely young quaker, Pure Beauty, despising false Drapery's aid, And Common Sense scorns all pedantic parade. Let us first call at court, but, perhaps, we intrude, 'Twas told so by Miss Affectation, the prude ; There Fashion forbids the free use of the mind, What can Common Sense say in a place so refined ? Then at church ! to be sure, Common Sense there succeeds, Unless Superstition should choak it with weeds ; And though Infidelity dares a pretence, She *s easily vanquished by plain Common Sense. When I mention'd the church, you expected at least, In the common-place mode, some stale joke 'gainst a priest ; \m SONGS. That a laugh I shou'd raise at the clergy's expense ; But he who would wish it must want Common Sense. As to trade, no accounts can be well kept without her Yet stock-jobbers say they know nothing about her ; Bear witness 'Change Alley— the omniums declare, Common Sense shall for ever be under par there. Come, I '11 give you a toast, if I give no offence—. Here's the sensitive plant, and the root common sense : Here's Love's magic circle, which all senses binds, And delicate pleasures to sensible minds. A FORE-CASTLE SONG. Tune— How happy could I be with either, DO you see, as a sailor, I'll heave off A bit of a song in my way ; But, if you don't like it I '11 leave off, I soon can my bawling belay. Odd lingos musicianers write in, Concerning flats, sharps, and all that; We seamen are sharp in our fighting, And as to the Frenchmen they 're flat. Outlandish folks tickle your ears With solos, and such sort of stuff, We tars have no more than three cheers, Which French folks think music enough. Through Canada loudly 'twas rung, Then echoed on Senegal's shore, At Guadaloupe merrily sung, And Martinique chorus'd encore. At Havre we play'd well our parts, Though our game they pretended to scoff; SONGS. 133 For trumps we turn'd up English hearts, They threw down their cards and sheer'd off. They have met with their match now they feel, Their shuffling and cutting we check ; They were lurcKd at Crown Point, and lost Deals, And faith they got slamm'd at Quebec. Our music gave French folks the vapours. It took an odd turn on Conflans ; We knew they were all fond of capers, So set up an old English dance. 'Twas Britons strike home that they sounded, By the strength of that tune they were trounced, The tididols looking confounded, While Hawke faith their feather-heads pounced- Our instruments always do wonders, From round- tops we give serenades ; Our organs are twenty-four pounders, Our concerts are brisk cannonades. For cooks, though the French folks are neater, Our messes they never can beat, Our dishes have so much salt-petre, And as to our balls they're forced meat, God bless our King George, with three cheers, sirs, And God bless his consort, amen : In past times we 've drubb'd the Mounseers, sirs ; For pastime we '11 drub them again. There's one thing I have more to say, — though Beyond seas, my boys, we'll o'ercome, If you '11 give old England fair play though, And keep yourselves quiet at home. THE CABAL. Tune— Long time with the Graces fair Venus, <$c. WHY should you, loved sensible, shou'd you be pale? The portrait of Grief y ou app ear ; 134 SONGS. You look like yon lily that droops in the vale, With my lips let me wipe off that tear. Disdain a reply to Malignity's tongue, Let Patience to Clamour submit ; It is better that Slander should say you was wrong, Than that you the wrong should commit. The atheist, if really such madmen exist, Belief will delirious decry, In infidel doubtings pretend to persist, What they cannot conceive they deny. Thus some of your sex, old and ugly, will rail, Like atheists all goodness they doubt, Insisting men may o'er all beauties prevail, Because themselves could not hold out. You must pardon the cry, think not strange what I say, They mercy from you must receive ; Be it known to your tenderness, 'tis the world's way, Who injure will never forgive. Smile, smile, and smile on, let day beam on your face, To oblivion be obloquy hurl'd ; By the best you're beloved, thou fair figure of Grace, So laugh at the rest of the world. THE WHIM. Tune, If I ever should know, and that knowledge impart. THAT the world is a stage, and the stage is a school, Where some study knaves parts, and some play the fool, Was said, and again so we say ; SONGS. 135 For as the world's round, and rolls round about, Old fashions come in, and new fashions go out, As vanity dresses the play. Do not seriously think of these whimsical times, But sing or say something in whimsical rhymes, — The world's but a whim, and all that; I mean not the world which revolves on the poles, But the animal world that's made up of odd souls, The sons and the daughters of Chat. For- a new exhibition their portraits we '11 plan, And pen and ink likenesses sketch if we can, Where all may their semblances see; Though folks of fine breeding, immensely polite, Their own faces finish with rouge and flake white, So leave no employment for me. Let us tenderly take off those masks and their cures Attempt, by exposing such caricatures In Impartiality's hall ; But if the gall'd sinner should wince at a line, And cry, «« Curse the fellow ! the picture's not mine," The prime-serjeant painter I call. ( * Come, Satyr, assist me, my project is new.*'— The demi beast, grinning, his range of reeds blew, And this was his symphony's song : — ** Shou'd. I sing of these times, or in prose or in verse, v '■ Weak things, but not wicked ones, I should re- hearse, " A medley betwixt right and wrong. " This aera is much too insipid for me, '* Futility 's only in practice I see, " Unworthy one stroke of my lash; 136 SONGS. " The fashion is Folly/ let Folly go on, ** To shew Sense subsides, and True Taste to Bon Ton, ** And Genius is banish'd for trash." Disdain frown' d his brow, redd'ning rage his eyes cast, Contempt o'er his countenance spread as he past, No more dissipation he'll school : We'll be quite the thing then, as life's but a toy, A bustle in which we can only enjoy The pleasure of playing the fool. THE SCURVY. Tune— Ere Phoebus shall peep on the fresh bud' ding flow 'rs. EVE tempted to err, ill betide the sad time, Ye modern wives pity her fall ; Since we her sons suffer for grandmamma's crime, The scurvy has tainted us all. To curb the contagion which putrifies here, In vain have the faculty try'd ; Its pestilent symptoms offensive appear In vulgar eruptions of pride. For all pride is low, 'tis a cancerous brain, A poorness or foulness of blood ; The want of sound sense renders wretches insane, Who are lifted above what they should. Epidemic prognostics appear in each state, Where meanness in office is placed, Who scurvily ape the odd airs of the great, And fancy ill breeding is taste. SONGS. 137 But when their high mighty superiors approach, The malady takes a new turn ; As abjectly then the base scurvy things crouch, As before they were bloated with scorn. With artists the scurvy of envy appears, When comates they coldly commend ; Nay oft it breaks out in illiberal sneers, And poisons the fame of a friend. Should Genius a visit to Greatness presume, He 's scurvily offer'd a chair ; Disdain marks the things in the visiting-room, Who wonder the fright should come there. Be proud if ye please, ye gay groups of conceit. Still flatter, be venal, and vain ; We know what ye feel, what ye pay for each treat, And we know too — ye dare not complain. With unmeaning gaze pamper'd Wealth wheel'd along, With the scurvy of vanity swell'd, Took the snuff of contempt at the more worthy throng, By whom he 's with pity beheld. Come meek-eyed Humility, lend me thy hand, Humanity deign me thy aid ; Instruct me, that I may myself understand Not to scorn those my Maker has made ! THE DEMIREP; OR, I KNOW WHO. Tune — Though Austria and Russia, France >Fla7* ders, and Prussia, pLEOPATRA the gay, as old stories declare, i Put Mark Antony oft to the rout ; 138 SONGS. That the lover was fond, and the lady was fair, No modern among us will doubt. But yet I insist Our own times are the best. Antiquity ! what can that do, sir ? Could Livia, or Lais, Faustina, or Thais, Compare to the fine 1 know who, sir ? Let placemen receive, and let patriots oppose, , m And raise unforgiving dissensions; A mistress's arms is the post I would choose, A bottle and friend are my pensions. Preferments at court Are ministers' sport, When they see what to gain them folks do, sir ; They may boroughs command, I wish only to stand As member for fine 1 know who, sir. Possessors, assessors, envelope the mind With ethics of old Aristotle ; The lesson of Nature, to tutor mankind, Is — beauty sublimed by a bottle. The best in the college, Who boast of their knowledge, The science supreme never knew, sir, Unless they can prove That a lecture of love They have had with the fine 1 know who, sir, You this or that system embrace or reject, As philosophy's fashion is ruling ; But look in her face and you '11 find an effect Beyond electricity's fooling. Though sparks there arise, What are they to her eyes ? SONGS. 139 And as to what touching can do, sir, It is all but a joke, When compared to the stroke 'that is given by fine 1 know who, sir. The atoms of Cartes Sir Isaac destroy'd, Lebnitz pilfer'd our countryman's fluxions ; Newton found out attraction, and proved nature 's void, Spite of prejudiced Plenum's constructions. Gravitation can boast, In the form of my toast, More power than all of them knew, sir ; What fellow, or soph, Will in tangents fly off From the centre of fine 1 know who, sir. Ye sensible socials, who dare, now and then, To laugh at some folks in this nation, 'Tis beauty which sculptures us blocks into men, To beauty then make a libation. Poor lovers may prize Lips, legs, arms, and eyes, Such piecemeal pretensions won't do, sir ? No part shall be lost When I mention my toast, — " Here's the whole of the fine— I know who, sir." MAY. Tune,' A beautiful facet and a form without fault. BLEAK winter is drove, by warm winds, to the north, And spring's early pencil gay colours the earth ; QEach blossom expands its pied leaves to the day, j Creation 's new clothed in the livery of May. 140 SONGS. As thus, in soliloquy, rambling along, I look'd tow'rds the wood, there I heard a sweet song ; The leaves gently fann'd to and fro by the breeze, The air a soft symphony play'd through the trees. As a hound after hare the long meadow o'erleaps, It was something like love which gave speed to my steps ; I beat through the thicket, upon the game sprung, And too soon had a view of the Syren who sung. Oh ! how my heart beat, how alarm'd was my pride, To behold a young rustic fix'd close at her side ; They toy'd and they prattled, 'twas innocent play. Their rosy cheeks spoke all the warmth of new May. The lad and the lass look'd like Eden's first pair, And I, scowling, stood just as Satan did there; Her tenderness hateful, his fondness as bad, But their give-and-take kissings— O God !— I grew mad. I turn'd from the sight, then return'd in despair, And pretended a cure by despising the fair ; On both bestow'd curses, went raving away, Rut I stopp'd at each step, nor could go, nor could stay. Home heavily sighing, I halted along, Each bird jarr'd my head with its out-of-tune song-: The late pleasing landscapes appear'd in decay, The scene to December was changed from new May. In my books I expected some nostrum to find, But Learning to Love has small share in the mind; No morals 1 met there the wonder could work, But instinct suggested — to draw a long corlw SONGS. 141 As sorrow is dry, the best thing I could do, To make my cure perfect, was— drawing out two : So wine before wenching hereafter I '11 say, For wine's good in all months, as well as in May. A TIME FOR ALL THINGS. Tune — lama young damsel that flatters myself. ALL things have their time by the Hebrew king's rule: What pity a wise man would e'er play the fool ! Yet weak was that sage, who, when long past his prime, Attempted with beautiful girls to keep time. All was vanity then, and vexation his text ; To be sure he was vain, and his women were vex'd. On his own times how wisely King Solomon spoke, But wisdom, in our times, is rather a joke ; Who 's to blame ? 'tis not clear, whether we or our guides, But equally things are ill-timed on all sides. Like witlings, who sacrifice all to their fun, We our errors enjoy, and rejoice we 're undone. There's a time to be right, for some time we 've been wrong : There's a time for a speech, and a time for a song. As to song-making, somebody told me the way, Since I nothing could do, how I something should say. I wish still to do, has my doings outsped^ And all I have left, alas ! lumbers my head. Superannuate socials, like me, leave the lass, Pursue the sole sport which we 're fit for — the glass. 142 SONGS. Be not bubbled by self, nor be flattery's dupes, Nor attempt at intrigue when ability droops. At impotent keepers we 've pointed with scorn, Avoid the same vice, be not laugh'd at in turn. Turn'd the corner of forty, 'tis time to give way ; But women to wine change, and still we 've our day. Doctor Bibbibus says, whether flask or Scotch pint, As oil to the head, wine the soul will anoint. Embrace then the bottles, hug closely your quarts, — May we have in our arms what we love in our hearts* MUTUAL LOVE. Tune — As Chloe on flowers reclined, <&c ON the brook's grassy brink, in the willow's cool shade, The primroses pressing, a damsel was laid : She smiled on the tide that roll'd limpid along, Beholding herself, to herself sung this song, The 'squire's fine lady last night he brought home ; What ! though in such gay clothes from London she's come, Had I costly fashions as well should I seem, For fairer my face is, if truth 's in this stream. Through churchyard, on Sunday, as slowly I tread, While gaping louts, grinning, on tombstones are spread, I hear how they praise me, I keep on my way, And, down-looking, seem not to heed what they say. Sometimes lords and captains, all over perfume, Will stop me, and tell me, I 'm beauty in bloom. That I rival the rose, that I 'm whiter than snow : I simper, and simply say— Don't jeer one so. SONGS. ±43 They 've press'd me, they 've promised, nay offei'd me gold, Sometimes, I assure you, they 've strove to be bold ; They 've talk'd of my treasure, they 've call'd it a gem, To be sure so it is, but it is not for them. No ! no! 'tis for him, and 'tis only his part, Who *s the man of my hope, and the hopes of my heart ; Who friendly instructs me, who fondly can play, And his eyes always speak what his wishes would The ranging bee sweets from the honey-cups sips, <■ As sweet I taste love from the touch of his lips ; ' Oft my cheek on the fleece of my lambkins I rest, But cold is that pillow compar'd to his breast. 'Tis here for my fair one ! — her lover reply'd, O'er the hedge as he leap'd, and light dropp'd at her side; She started ! a moment life's bloom left her face, | But quick 'twas recall'd by the warmth of embrace. She languishing lay in love's tenderest scene, | And question'd the rambler where 'twas he had been? Why so he would fright her ? — She 'd scold him, she vow'd ; I But a kiss was his plea, and that plea was allow'd. : Till by kisses o'ercome, to his transports she yields, The landscapes were lost, and forgot were the fields ; Each felt those sensations susceptibles prove, Who, mutually melting, exchange mutual love* 144 SONGS. THE VETERAN. Tune — Give us glasses, my wench, TURN'D of forty !-— what then ?— why 'twixt that and threescore, All the days of our lives let us live : We only ask health, not a moment hope more, Than what Nature, undoctor'd, will give. Non sum qualis eram, in schoolmaster's lore, Is, — «* our cake we can't have when 'tis eat ;" — Do not turn to past views, but new ground gallop o'er, Nor pull up, for 'tis time enough yet. Ulysses at forty queen Circe embraced, When older Calypso could move, iEtherials pronounced him a man to their taste, He had health, understanding, and love. The boys of this time ne'er to manhood arise, As shrubs cannot strengthen to trees. Affectation ability's vacuum supplies, Ere of age they are old by disease. Insipid emaciates each public place throng-^- As trinkets on watch-chains are worn, By fine women's sides, showy, rattling along, The fops are for fashion-sake born. Those mode-made-up things, flutter lifehood away, Abortions of what Britons were : Perpetually talk, though they 've nothing to say j Their looks are but vacancy's stare. As nothing they think on, so nothing they do 4 But only rise up, and lie down j SONGS. 145 Inexpletive truths dissipation pursue, And hue and cry Life through the town. In the pause of embrace practised beauties aver, That Wit keeps Desire alive; No wonder they sensible forty prefer To folly and faint twenty-five. No chronics my muscular bulwarks invade, Within, prima via is right : Constitution I never a bankrupt have made, So can pay Beauty's bill upon sight. It is true we are told, — old companions we've been : Yet sound in our heads and our hearts, Let wine, wit, and women, but open the scene, We still can go on with our parts. While prompted by natural vigour to play, We act thus, encore and encore, The warning-bell rung, we 've no business to stay, Valete, the farce, faith, is o'er. A NEW ROAST BEEF. To the old Tune. NOW old England's flag is commander in chief, With Monsieur our monarch 's turn'd o'er a new leaf, Down, down with French dishes, up, up with roast beef. O the roast beef, &c. In flat-bottoms, slily, those schemers were coasting, They threaten'd invasion, but spite of their boast- ing, No ribs of roast beef had they ; but a rib roasting. H 146 SONGS. While good English beef, and good English brown beer, Please our tastes, and each day on our tables appear, What more can we hope for, or what can we fear ? The Spaniards once strove, by the strength of their guns, To make us keep Lent, and to turn our girls nuns, But we still roast our beef, for we basted the Dons. At Minorca, indeed, though I speak it with grief, Our garrison fainted for want of relief, They grew out of hopes as they grew out of beef. But at Minden, well fed, why we there faced about, Right and left, van and rear, foot and horse, put to rout, They would be in our beef— but, avast, they were out. To plunder our cupboards, France sent the Brest fleet, We a belly-full gave them without any meat ; They then sold their plates 'cause they 'd nothing to eat. We came, saw, and eonquer'd, the French lilies droop, Louisbourg, Montreal, Martinique, Guadaloupe, Their towns we toss'd up, just as they swallow soup. By the strength of our beef we our bulwarks main- tain, As Liberty's first-born, and lords of the main ; And those deeds are witness'd by France and by Spain. SONGS. 147 All knights, by their titles, in heraldry shine, Nay, writers romantic have styled some divine, But what are their Sirs to old England's Sir Loin. Let us honour this dish, 'tis in dignity chief, For garnish will give it the noblest relief: Here 's liberty, loyalty, ay, and roast beef. O the roast beef, &c. THE PIPE OF LOVE. Tune— Bless* d age of gold, ONE primrose time a maiden brown, Wishing for what we will not say, By side of shepherd sat her down, And softly ask'd him, would he play ? Mild shone the sun through redstreak morn, And glist'ning dew-drops pearl'd the grass ; The rustic, stretch'd beneath the thorn, Grinning, reply'd, "I'll please thee, lass." All on the green field's turfy bed, Smiling, the fond one fell along ; The thick-leaf 'd shade her face o'erspread, While, lisping, she began this song. — " 'Tis love which gives life holidays, " And love I '11 always take thy part; " My shepherd's pipe so sweetly plays, *' It finds the way to win my heart. " The ladies dress'd with silks so fine, " In golden chairs to visits go ; " On costly dishes they can dine, " And ev'ry night see ev'ry show. " Yet, if 'tis true what I 've heard speak, ** Those high degrees lead lonely lives; " Husbands are wilful, husbands weak, " And seldom pipe to please their wives." H2 148 SONGS. Blue broke the clouds, the day yet young, The flowers fragrant fill'd the breeze ; Wanton the lass, half whisp'ring, sung, <( Yes, Shepherd, once more, if you please.' Awaking from embraced delight, She heard her dame, and dared not stay ; They kiss, they part, but first — at night, She charged him, come again and play. His team to geer, home hied the loon, The love-cheer'd lass blithe bore her pail, And thus she gave her ditty tune, Tripping it deftly down the dale. •' Though organ-pipes play music fine, * * And fountain pipes folks run to see ; " Though thirsty souls love pipes of wine, « ' The pipe of love 's the pipe for me." THE BRITON'S WISH. Tune — Daniel Cooper. WOULD you know the way that Eve In Eden was caught tripping, Arch Satan twitch'd her by the sleeve, And show'd a golden pippin ; Tempted by the glitt'ring charm, *Twas said she ill-used Adam, And ever since the same alarm Bewitches Miss and Madam. The dad of Danae was a dolt, To lock a woman's will in ; A guinea shower burst each bolt, Miss oped her lap for filling. Ask beauties, who for chapmen wait, What 'tis they chiefly wish for, They '11 own, though most men take their bait, 'Tis only gold they fish for. SONGS. 149 But why should women hear the blame, When men, both out and in, sir, Will gamble at the golden game, Nor care they how they win, sir. Arts, Science, Office, Trade, confess Mean mercenary dealings, All reas'ning bipeds, more or less, Show selfish fellow-feelings. Election agents truth disgrace, They've made this an unsound age ; To brothels brought fair Freedom's face, And, Pandar-like, took poundage. But henceforth, Britons, may we show In bribes no more our trust is, But nobly independent go And only vote for Justice. O Thou ! from whom each blessing springs, Earth, seas, and skies director, To whom we owe the best of kings, Be his, be our protector. The tyrant, arm'd with terror's scourge, Awes abject slaves t' approve him, But free-born Britons bow to George, For in our hearts we love him. Dear liberty, celestial fire, Remain here unconsuming ; May that spark catch, to son from sire, From age to age illuming. For this is ev'ry Briton's song, This all we wish to be, boys ; Let life be short, let life be long, But let that life be free, boys. 150 SONGS. NOT AS IT SHOULD BE. Tune — If e'er I incline, A COXCOMB once said He had Bet's maidenhead, But 'twas false, as I told Mr. Would-be, His doctor declared, Impotency debarr'd; The fribble was not as he should be. As beauty is used, So Britannia 's abused ; How many loud coffee-house praters Will boast of the weight Which they have in the state, And would be the nation's dictators ! Such creatures pretend They can England befriend, So attract or distract all about them ; That, po?i onnei % , they know How, when, what, and also, And the ministry can't do without them. When candidates bow, Patriotic they vow To honour, esteem, and adore us ; But choose, they change soon, They are taught the court tune, And chant in majority's chorus. Reproach, if you please, May impertinent tease, Rememb'rance attempt to awaken : But th' answer is this, I thought things amiss, I really, my friend, was mistaken. SONGS. ' 151 His market is made, We all live by trade, So buy or sell, sirs — choose you whether; Rich and poor, 'tis the same, Change-alley 's the game, A job ! a sad job altogether ! Our animal stuff Is not made of bomb proof, When Temptation's artillery assails : As the batt'ries begin, We 're betray'd from within, The flesh over spirit prevails. Corruption ! — that 's hard — But, from birth to churchyard, What are we ? but rotting along : Folly moulders our clay, Each vice has its day, But— good night— for I 've done with my song. BEAUTY AND WINE. Tune — Attend, all ye fairs, I'll tell you the art* ONE day at her toilet as Venus began To prepare for her face-making duty, Bacchus stood at her elbow, and swore that her plan Would not help it, but hinder her beauty. A bottle young Semele held up to view, And begg'd she'd observe his directions — This Burgundy, dear Cytherea, will do, 'Tis a rouge that refines all complexions. Too polite to refuse him, the bumper she sips ; On his knees, the buck begg'd she 'd encore ; 152 SONGS. The joy-giving goddess, with wine-moisten'd lips, Declared she would hob-nob once more. Out of window each wash, paste, and powder she hurl'd, And the god of the grape vow'd to join ; Shook hands, sign'd and seal'd, then bid Fame tell the world, The union of Beauty and Wine. A LOVE SONG. Tune — Gentle is my Damon, engaging his air. LET him fond of fibbing invoke which he'll choose, Mars, Bacchus, Apollo, or madam the Muse; Great names in the classical kingdom of letters, But poets are apt to make free with their betters. I scorn to say aught, save the thing which is true, No beauties I '11 plunder, yet give mine her due; She has charms upon charms, such as few people may view, She has charms,— for the tooth-ache, and eke for the ague. Her lips, — she has two, and her teeth, they are white, And what she puts into her mouth they can bite ; Black and all black her eyes ; but, what 's worthy remark, They are shut when she sleeps, and she's blind in the dark. Her ears from her cheeks equal distance are bearing, 'Cause each side her head should go partners in hear- ing: SONGS. 153 The fall of her neck 's the downfall of beholders, Love tumbles them in by the head and the shoulders. Her waist is — so — so,, so waste no words about it, Her heart is within it, her stays are without it ; Her breasts are so pair'd — two such breasts when you see, You'll swear that no woman yet born e'er had three. Her voice neither nightingales, no, nor canaries, Nor all the wing'd warbler's wild whistling vagaries : Nor shall I to instrument music compare it, 'Tis likely, if you was not deaf, you might hear it. Her legs are proportion'd to bear what they 've car- ried, And equally pair'd, as if happily married ; But wedlock will sometimes the best friends divide, By her spouse so she 's served when he throws them aside. Not too tall, nor too short, but I'll venture to say, She 's a very good size — in the middling way. She 's — ay — that she is, — she is all, but I 'm wrong, Her all I can't say, for I 've sung all my song. WHAT'S THAT TO ME? Tune— 'The dainty dames who trip along, THE blue clouds from the skies are fled, And vapours cap the mountain's head ; The lord of day resigns his reign, While twilight ushers in her train, But, what 's all this to me ? By shepherds whistling o'er the wold The tinkling flocks are drove to fold ; H5 154 SONGS. JJer brimming pail the milk-maid bears, And. hears her love, or thinks she hears — Yet what 's all this to me ? From reeking pools the steams ascend, Tall leafy trees their shades extend ; Evening appears in matron grey, And puts to blush the rakish day, Still, what's all this to me ? The flow'ry beds have lost their bloom, The verdant grove 's conceal'd in gloom, The landscapes die upon the sight, And chilly spreads the veil of night. Well ! what 's all this to me ? Though dismal birds begin to prowl, The flitting bat, the hooting owl ; And glow-worms glimmer feeble rays, The link*boys of the lightfoot fays- Why, what 's all this to me ? Yes, yes, in truth, for when 'twas dark, A light I spied, and bless'd the mark ; — I hemm'd, and quick the casement oped, How leap'd my heart, my search was stopp'd, And that was much to me. (< Hist," cries my fair one, " softly creep, " The old folks are both fast asleep: \* Lord ! how our house-dog makes a din ! " But I'll steal down, and let you in." Now, what do you think of me ? When safe we met, few words were said, For fear by voice to be betray'd : — So what was done I Will not say, 'Twas Love look'd on, and bid us play. But, what is that to thee ? SONGS. 155 Love's raptured rites are secret joys, Profaned by sots and babbling boys; But we initiates never boast, Fidelity 's our general toast, Here 's that, my friend, to thee. THE DAMN'D HONEST FELLOW. Tune — Old woman at Grimstone. AS a choice-spirit bred, so I '11 choicely behave, My bucks, I 'm daran'd honest and free ; As to rules, they 're for fools ; I '11 be nobody's slave ; The minister must do for me. If he does not, nor cannot, for that's all the same, But leaves me to sink or to swim ; If he won't do for me when I send in my name, Why, damme then, I '11 do for him. If George did but tip me a place, or a post, If I didn't clear all, 1 '11 be curst ; I '11 take care that nothing shall never be lost, Of myself though, I '11 take care the first. The government's tools to a man I would shift, Corruption 's the nation's disgrace ; The treasury's lord, why I '11 turn him adrift, And whip myself plump in his place. The national debt I '11 wet-spunge it away, The sinking fund that I would drown; And when we bold Britons have nothing to pay, W 7 hy then ail our money 's our own. As to Scotchmen, I '11 scotch them all off, never fear, They are Jacobites all to a man ; 156 SONGS. Pray tell me what business have such fellows here? I 'm a Briton, and hate ev'ry clan. They have nothing to do with our meat and our drink ; I grant you they're clever; but still We 're ten times as clever, if we would but think, And one time or other we will. Like foxes I '11 hunt presbyterians to church, For, zounds, we '11 be all orthodox ; The subsidy princes I '11 leave in the lurch, And stockjobbers set in the stocks. My friends I '11 provide for, and thus I '11 begin; — Archbishop of York shall make room, His pulpit I 've promised to my whipper-in, And lord chancellor's seat to my groom. My grand buck at drinking shall admiral be; I 've judgment in all I design : He surely must prove best commander at sea Who 's best at an ocean of wine. Now as to land-service, excise I'll disband, And I '11 banish the watch from the street ; Between York and Lunnon no turnpikes shall stand, And I '11 burn the King's Bench and the Fleet. As to smugglers, why curse on the Custom-house tribe, Of placemen, I '11 soon make an end ; I '11 hang the first fellow I find take a bribe, Except 'twas a buck, and my friend. So now for a toast— -stay— what toast shall we have ? Why Liberty — can we say more ?•>-* SONGS. 157 And he who won't pledge it I'm sure is a slave, And a slave is a son of a whore. A wife to be sure ! that 's the fashion in town, And fashion for wives to make free ; But I won't be humm'd, I '11 have none of my own; What friends have will always serve me. So here 's to that girl who will give one a share ; But as for those jilts who deny, So cursedly coy, though they've so much to spare — But drink, brother bucks, for I'm dry. LIBERTY HALL. Tune — Derry Down. OLD Homer ! but with him what have we to do ? What are Grecians or Trojans to me or to you ? Such heathenish heroes no more I '11 invoke, Choice spirits assist me, attend hearts of oak. Derry down. Sweet Peace, beloved handmaid of Science and Art, Unanimity, take your petitioner's part ; Accept of my song, 'tis the best 1 can do — But first, may it please ye — my service to you. Perhaps my address you may premature think, Because I have mention'd no toast as I drink; There are many fine toasts, but the best of 'em all Is the toast of the times— that is Liberty Hall. That fine British building by Alfred was framed, Its grand corner-stone Magna Charta is named ; Independency came at Integrity's call, And form'd the front pillars of Liberty Hall. 158 SONGS. This manor our forefathers bought with their blood, And their sons, and their sons' sons, have proved the deeds good ; By that title we live, with that title we'll fall, For life is not life out of Liberty Hall. In mantle of honour, each star-spangled fold, Playing bright in the sunshine, the burnish of gold, Truth beams on her breast ; see, at Loyalty's call, The Genius of England in Liberty Hall. Ye sweet-smelling courtlings of riband and lace, The spaniels of Power, and Bounty's disgrace, So supple, so servile, so passive ye fall, 'Twas Passive-obedience lost Liberty Hall. But when Revolution had settled the crown, And Natural Reason knock'd Tyranny down, No frowns clothed with terror appear'd to appal, The doors were thrown open of Liberty Hall. See England triumphant, her ships sweep the sea, Her standard is justice, her watch- word's be free; Our king is our countryman, Englishmen all, God bless him, and bless us, in Liberty Hall. On vere is des all — Monsieur wants to know, 'Tis neither at Marli, Versailles, Fontainbleau : 'Tis a palace of no mortal architect's art, For Liberty Hall is an Englishman's heart. Derry down. AMELIA. Tune, Ye lasses who drive from the smoke of the town ONE eve from whist-table Amelia withdrew, Join'd our group, and she begg'd we 'd explain- SONGS. 159 Why year after year, by Wit's common-place crew, We are told life's so short and so vain. With a look that spoke more than all Cicero said, To me flew her order — I bow'd and obey'd. " Our sex, my fair curious, are Vanity's fools, '* On bubbles of self-love we soar ; " However a patron may pension his tools, «' Dependency dodges for more. «' The gross of mankind are such near-sighted elves, "As trash they behoid all the world — but them- selves. ** Illib'ral Ingratitude always will scold, (< Expectancy 's ever in pain ; " Abuse gives her tongue, and you need not be told, »« The most worthless are always most vain. " Like pure silent streams, Merit keeps in its place, ■' Approach Dunce's torrent, Froth flies in your face. '.* When you bless the day, with your figure and face, (( Insensibles seem to admire ; '*. By Love's electricities— Beauty and Grace, * ( Ev'n Dulness is struck with desire. f< Life's not worth, without you, one half day's ex- pense, " 'Tis a world without sun, and a soul withoutsense. '* O ! would ye, ineffables, would you endure " To bestow upon man a new birth; ' ■ Your forms are specifics to furnish the cure, " And eradicate Folly from earth. ". To you, as our sovereign, we offer our hearts, r « And only are happy when you take our parts." 160 SONGS. DOODLE DOO. Tune — Ev'ry where fine ladies flirting. YOUNGLINGS fond of female chases, Mount on hopes in wedlock races, Some for fortune, some for faces. Doodle, doodle, doo, &c. Oh ! th' ecstatic joys which flow, sir, When two souls congenial glow, sir, This above, and that below, sir. Each 'gainst each, like wrestlers, twining, Each with each engagement joining, Now resisting, now resigning. When imparadised they 're pairing, Ev'ry nerve stretch'. I to its bearing, Hardly knowing what nor wherein. Fainting, panting— pulses thrilling- She — obedient waits, and willing ; But he 's out of breath with billing. Fain the fair would fondly dally, Looking Love— but he don't rally, Rather seeming — shilly shally. Kissing, smiling, she cries — so ! so ! Go you naughty creature, go! go! While he yawns out— ah ! ah ! ah! — oh ! oh ! This indeed too often the case is, Men will furious fall on faces, Then fall off into disgraces. All the work they make with wooings, Couplings, changings, cursings, cooings, Are but doodling doodle doings. SONGS. 161 Falling back, then falling to, sir, We, like babies, beauties woo, sir, Love is — Cock a doodle doo, sir. Doodle, doodle, doo, &c, THE HUMBUG. Tune — The man who is drunk is void of all care* THAT living's a joke, Johnny Gay has express'd, In earnest we '11 make all we can of the jest; Loll de roll, &c. A load of conceits, a long life we are lugging, Which some are humbugg'd by, and some are hum- bugging. Fal de roll, &c. His Honour with consequence charges his face, Bows round to the levee, and ogles His Grace, Then whispers his friend, " Sir, depend on my word ;" But if you depend, you're humbugg'd, by the Lord. Says Patty the prude, and she wide spread her fan, — " Me marry ! What? I go to bed to a man ? " I detest all male creatures! My God! I shall swoon !" She did—and was brought to bed, faith, before noon ! To London Pa sent her, when bloom was regain'd, Invi'late her maidenhead there she maintain'd ; For a virgin was wed, she knew how to be mum, So gain'd a good husband, her husband a hum. Miss nicely observed, wastly wulgar 's this word, Immensely indelicate, monsterous absurd ; Yet last night, dear Miss, when you thought your- self snug, You confess'd — without loving — life 's all a humbug. 162 SONGS. The wanton wife often, too often, I fear, Proves words to be facts when she calls her spouse deer ; And enjoys the sweet cheat, as stolen pleasures she hugs, How cunningly now she her cuckold humbugs. But husband at home, as few married men wish, Fal de roll, toll loll, To dine ev'ry day on the very same dish, Doll de roll, &c. Makes a meal with her maid, the thing publicly known is, A tZte-a-tUt feast, call'd the Lex Talionis. Fal de roll, &c. THE COMET. Tune — Should I once become great, what a busi- ness 'tivould be. HAD I old Homer here, I would make that wretch see, Quoth Venus, whom 'tis he abuses ; What business has any verse-monger with me ? Their prudes let them stick to — the Muses. — And so I was wounded by rough Diomede ? A pretty dress'd up sort of story ; See Jupiter smiles — but, Papa, now, indeed, 'Tis not for your honour and glory. Why will you permit these mortality frights What Olympus has plann'd to review ? Don't suifer such reptiles to creep out at nights T' observe what we deities do. Immensely impertinent 'twas, you must own, My transit to see, and expose it ; Because, t'other day, I just drove out of town, Their spectacles peep'd in my closet. SONGS. 163 A moment Jove laid his bright dignity down, And let laughter illumine his face ; To his daughter replied — " Cytherea, a frown " Becomes not the empress of grace. " Those atoms of clay which you see to and fro " Skip about on yon globular crust, •' Like the blue on a plum, are but insects, you know, ,( A mere animalculous dust. " Those emmets, 'tis true, scientifical prate, " A race of half-reasoning elves, " Who all can account, as they think, for my state, " Yet know not the state of themselves. " They pretend to examine eternity's rules — " The cause of all causes dispute; " I '11 show you these arrogant earth-worms are fools, " And thus all their systems confute." Away, at his word, the vast comet rush'd forth, And swift through immensity blazed, Yet attraction went on, though it girdled the earth — On earth how the star-peepers gazed ! Each circled and circled a scheme of his own, And reason'd about and awry ; In derision, a moment, immortals look down, 'Twas a jest for the sons of the sky. Be humble, ye beings of feeble threescore, Shall Jinites — infinity scan? The best of us only are men, and no more — And, at best, only think what is man ! A contrary mixture of pity and scorn, Pride, servility, sorrow, and mirth ; In a moment he's made, in a moment he's born, In a moment again he is earth. 164 SONGS. Sons of Error, for that's all the birthright ye share, As ev'ry day's actions make known ; No longer let vanity gaze into air, But think of itself and look down. — Yet hold ! — let us think — to look down, did I say ? I did so — and so seize my cup ; Come, do as I do, and I'll show you the way, The best way, my lads, to look up. THE BLOOD. Tune — Tars of old England, YE learn'd of the age, Each artist, each sage, Ye speakers at famed Robin Hood, Describe, or decline, Or derive, or define, What the character is of a blood. Macaronies so neat, Pert Jemmies so sweet, With all their effeminate brood ; Free-masons so shy, Choice spirits so high, Are kick'd out of doors by a blood. If making a bet, Or if taking a whet, Or if beating the rounds he thinks good Who dare to oppose, Will be pluck'd by the nose, With a — Dam'me, sir, a'n't I a blood ? If the constable queer, And the watch should appear, His riots to quell, if they could, SONGS. 165 Without compliment, Out of window they 're sent, And that is fine fun for a blood. He laughs at old Nick, Calls religion a trick, And his argument can't be withstood ; 'Tis a bet or an oath, But most commonly both, As to reason — what 's that to a blood ? As we have but our day, Even bloods must decay, He would keep it up still if he could ; But his manor 's fore-closed, And his honour exposed, He must die as he lived — like a blood. To retrench, would be base, To repent, a disgrace ; So he acts just as geniuses should ; By a med'cine of lead, Warm applied to his head, He cures the disease of a blood. DO THE SAME. Tune — How d'ye do. MARK ANTONY gave up the world for a girl, And he who would not do the same is a churl ; Do the same ! that's the thing ;— do not think me to blame : If a bumper I drink, will not you do the same ? But what do you think that I mean by all this ? Why evil to them who imagine amiss : 166 SONGS. Hit or miss, luck is all ; are the lucky to blame ? No, no, do but win— we would all do the same. The dainty-fed dame, in unpinn'd dishabille, To the swain of her sighs upon tiptoe will steal ; Voluptuously welcomes the sense-piercing kiss, And gives up her soul to the dangerous bliss. While soft broken murmurs betray her delight, The rustling leaves play through the still of the night, As if to her tremblings they kept time and tune; Above mildly shone, in pale splendor, the moon. Lady Luna, down-looking, the luscious scene sees, Withdrew her beams, blushing, from silver-topp'd trees ; In a cloud veils her face, crying out, "fie for shame !" To Endymion drives off, — and with him does th same. " 'Tis Hypocrisy's humour, the ton of the times. To lay on our neighbours the load of our crimes ; The failings of friends we to Slander proclaim, But sink our own sinnings, — won't you do the same ? Reason ne'er had the head-ache, no toasts he'll approve ; Reason ne'er had the heart-ache — he ne'er was in love. But poor honest Instinct, he h always to blame, For he'll drink and he'll love, and — why we do the same. My country ! my country ! that phrase cannot fail ; 'Tis the bait voters bite at, the tub for the whale ; Distinction, on each side, is only a name; For this side and that side,— both sides do the same. SONGS. 167 Let us, without blaming or this side or that, Only keep to our own side, and mind what we 're at : I would be at something, but what, I won't name, Yet to toast it 1 11 teach you, and drink to the same. Your sentiment, Decency, give it to me, — The Quaker's address, Frie?id, I drink unto thee : So here 's to 't and to thee ; and pray who 's to blame ? Why him— can you find him ? — who won't do the same. LOVE AND WINE'S PARTNERSHIP. Tune, No more let us trouble our heads 'bout the state. IT was as one morning on Ida Jove shone, All frantic the Queen of Love flew in, Her arms she expanded, embracing his throne, Saying, Sire, oh save me from ruin ! For justice Dione to Jupiter prays, They abandon my temples and shrine, sir ; That sot and his sots have extinguish'd my blaze, And drown'd Beauty's altars in wine, sir. By Styx, but 'tis false, jolly Bacchus replied ; Such slander I '11 never endure, ma'am. Love's pains to assuage men that many things tried, In me only met with their cure, ma'am. Your ignorant urchin, your booby, is blind, And scatters his arrows at random ; The heart they mislead, and they madden the mind ; 'Tis wine which alone can withstand 'em. Where is it ? th' Olympical grand called out, Young Semele bumper'd champaign, sir ; Full nimbly the genius brush'd it about.— Quoth Monarch, I '11 drink again, sir. 168 SONGS. So laying his lightning's artillery down. His tresses imperially shaking, To Venus put on a majestical frown, Saying, Certainly you are mistaken. Mistaken, papa? — Miss, pray, hold your tongue, You 'd better — Jove thunder'd to Venus ; 'Port onner, she pertly replied, you are wrong — Celestials, be judges between us. Go, Mercury, summon the states of the sky, — Thus order'd lord chancellor Jove, sir. At Ida's Exchequer this suit they shall try; Decreeing for Wine or for Love, sir. Their worships went on the Cyprian cause, Unarray'd, Beauty figur'd before 'em ; What licking of lips, what hums, and what hahs ! What peeping there was 'mong the quorum ! The Patron of Vines saw 'twould go for the wench, Unless that a dust he could kick up, Tipp'd Hermes the wink, and they bumper'd the bench, Till the court only chorus'd a hickup. With eyelids half closed, one attempted at speech, But wind overcharged his expression ; My opin — nin — nin< — nin — but bump on his breech He squatted, and snored out the session. Apollo was chairman, in full buckled wig, For that day., being Juno's physician, Smelt cane, stroked his chin, used hard words, and look'd big, As became his right worship's condition. The Statutes, quoth he, the Statutes at Large, Ay, and small too, declare Coram Nob. — But head was too heavy to hold out the charge, It dropp'd, and down fell his full bob. SONGS. 169 An emblem of what often happens below, Stupidity office disgraces ; For Folly has friends, and too many we know — And we know the wise folks too want places. Now Bacchus and Venus agreed 'twixt themselves Altercation hereafter to smother ; At Dulness to laugh, though 'mong dignified elves, And friendly assist one another. But now mind the moral: 'Tis clever to think And think too about something clever ; Since wine make us love, and since love make us drink, Here 's Drinking and Loving for ever. COURTSHIP. Tune— To all ye ladies now at land. LET others sing of flames and darts, And all Love's lullaby; — Of crying eyes, and cracking hearts— The deuce a bit will I. If you are willing, I 'm so too, If not— why there 's no more to do. With fa, la, la. Should you expect, in Sorrow's guise, I '11 wear a woful face, Such maudlin mumm'ry I despise, Mine is no love-sick case ; 'Tis but my whim, e'en make it thine, Then whim to whim, and yours to mine. Or if you think in golden rain, Like Jove, I '11 pave my way, Such expectations are but vain, I've only this to say, — 170 SONGS. You've something which I would be at; I 've something too— so tit for tat . Your taste, your talk, I may admire, And praise, with truth, your face ; Your sparkling eyes that speak desire, And give expression grace. Yet there's a . . . . but I'll not be bold, Nor say, what 's better took than told. Well kens the lass that I would win, And well I ken the road i He that is out would fain be in, A patriot cc-la-mode : As you 're my sov'reign, grant me grace, I only ask a little place. Least said, they say, is mended soon, With you I '11 not dispute; 111 tastes the long requested boon, 'Tis sweet, when short 's the suit. Then grant, with gijaee, the grace I sue, Or let me, without grace, fall to. With fa, la, la. GOD SAVE THE KING. Tune — While waves rebound from Albion's shore* YE hardy sons of Honour's land, Where Freedom Magna Charta plann'd, Ye sovereigns of the sea; On ev'ry shore where salt tides roll, From east to west, from pole to pole, Fair conquest celebrates your name, Witness'd aloud by wond'ring Fame, When ! when will you be free ? SONGS. 171 Mistake me not, my hearts of oak, I scorn with Liberty to joke, Ye sovereigns of the sea ; No right I blame, I praise no wrong, But sing an independent song, Since ministers must he withstood, And patriots are but flesh and blood, I dare with both be free. While strange told tales from scribbler's pen Disturb the heads of honest men, Ye sovereigns of the sea ; The trash of temporizing slaves, Who earn their daily bread as knaves, Heedless which side may rise or fall, The ready money — that 's their all, Such fellows can't be free. We meet for mirth, we meet to sing, And jolly join— God save the King, Ye sovereigns of the sea ; As honest Instinct points the way, Our King, our Country, we obey; Yet pay to neither side our court, But liberty in both support, As men who should be free. Assist, uphold your church and state, See great men good, and good men great, Ye sovereigns of the sea ; Shun Party, that unwelcome guest, No tenant for a Briton's breast. Forget, forgive, in Faction's spite, Awe all abroad, at home unite, Then, then, my friends, you 're free. Ye sov'reigns of wide ocean's waves, To heroes long enshrined in graves 12 172 SONGS. A requiem let us sing ; I Alfred, Henry, Edward name, — Then William, our deliverer, came. May future ages Brunswick own, Perpetual heir to England's throne, So here 's God save the King, THE VISION. Tune, As I went o'er the meadows, no matter the day* AS home I return'd, it was late in the day, Through Westminster Abbey, I knew, was my way, And there I beheld, or believe that I saw, A terrible spectre, with teeth-wanting jaw. The figure was frightful, as you may suppose, His sockets were eyeless, and never a nose. I, trembling, address'd him with — Sir, I presume Your worship is walking from Nightingale's tomb ? As Milton observes, so he grinn'd for a smile, And, stalking off, beckon'd me down the dark aisle, - To sessions I ran, I had Laugh on my side, Intending to hum the whole court. But Reflection, a wretch, who had no bus'ness there, ISTor Memory, yet would come in ; Repentance bid Pleasure descend from the chair, And order'd the cause to begin. I begg'd a permission to call in my friends, To prove the defence I should make ; Quoth Self, as to Friendship he served his own ends, And only did things for my sake. For his mistress in gaiety I was maintain'd, For me he a madman has proved ; Though he may to hundreds affection have feign'd, Yet me, and me only he loved. In a pet I resolved not a witness to call, The general issue my plea ; But challenged the court, judge and jury, and all, That they were as guilty as me. 'Tis the loadstone of life, to that point the world turns, For man is a miserly elf, SONGS. 225 Who cries and laughs, loves and hates, flatters and scorns, As interest acts upon Self. But now I 'm awake — I that logic deny, Which proves Self the ruler of man ; To the heart that can feel, weeping beauty apply, Let him think then of Self if he can. 'Till woman has civilized savage mankind, We cannot susceptible prove ; But when her perfections have beam'd on our mind, We 're brighten'd to Wisdom and Love. Ye scoffers begone, ye ridiculous base— . To Gratitude first be my toast ; May Merit meet always with Friendship's embrace, And each in each other be lost. THE POINT. Tune — I will tell you what, friend, SINCE at last I am free, Contented I '11 be O'er briars barefooted to go ; Or lost in the rain, Upon Salisbury plain, Or left without clothes in the snow. Or if I should perch On the top of Paul's church, The hottest day, just about noon, Astride the cross sat, Without hood, or hat, I 'd whistle off pain with a tune. L5 226 SONGS. For now I am free, No low spirits for me, 1 laugh at all crosses I find ; I think as I please, And reflect at my ease, For liberty lies in my mind. To my fancy I live, And what fancy can give, I enjoy, though it is but a dream ; Observe the world through, Do others pursue Aught else than a fanciful scheme ? Some fancy the court, Some fancy field-sport, The chase of a beauty some choose ; The topers with wine, The misers with coin, j&ild poets are pleased with their muse. La Mancha's mad knight, With windmills would fight, Like him our attempts are a jest ; With envy insane, And with projects so vain, Each sneers at the schemes of the rest. This extravaganza On Folly or Fancy, Appears to be rather too long j With something that 's shrewd, I wish to conclude, And make this an epigram song. In a point it must end, Oh a point I depend, SONGS. <]ffl And like a staunch pointer 1 11 stand ; I appoint you to sing, I appoint you to ring, And a Scotch pint of claret command. TOM O' BEDLAM. Tune, Young Jockey he courted sweet Mogg the Brunette. BARE-FOOT and head-bare, his blanket tight skewer'd, Tom o' Bedlam paraded, erect as my lord; The boys left their play, at his raggedness scared, The mob, pity-struck, at his misery stared. Girls laugh'd, and the fops, fashion-form'd for the day, Shrill screaming on tiptoe stole trembling away, While infants crept close, in their mothers' arms hid, Tom, beauty-like moved, heedless what harm he did. " Where 's the devil ?" quoth Tom; " where 's the devil, I say ? (t Good folks, have ye not seen the devil to-day?" A brother, just cured, cries — '•» Where Old Nick does dwell, «« Come hither, I '11 show you; — look there is his hell. " Behold those round pillars with rams'-horns on top, " A palace some call it, I say 'tis his shop, " Attendance, Dependence, there move round and round, " And where such a dance is, the damn'd must be found. 228 SONGS. " The fiend of Revenge this vile torment made out, " 'Twixt Hope and Despair, to hang souls up in doubt. < c Expectation, indeed, may fill Vanity's head, " But poor must we live when by Promises fed. " I honour the great, who dare greatly behave, *< I dissent not from pique, nor assent as a slave, " For Englishmen scorn base-earn'd bread to re- ceive," « Such a damn'd life," quoth Tom, " I '11 be damn'd if I live." That moment a Methodist came to the place, Hair tuck'd behind ears, and Zeal's cant on his face; He threaten'd, he groan'd, he grimaced, and he whined, The mad fellows mounted and seized him behind. The multitude question'd why he was used thus; " He has broke out," quoth Tom, — " he 's, you see, one of us." To their hospital dragg'd him, he there was un- loosed, Tom cried out — " At Bedlam is madness refused ?" His comate replied — " Brother Tom do not fret, " The world only works now for what it can get'; " Such sad objects as we are, it cares not about, et What has interest to do with us two, in or out ? " But this a decoy duck, who brings in great gains, " And tunnels his hearers by turning their brains. "If he's stopp'd, folks will follow some mischief as bad, " For one way or other, the world will be mad." Here 's a bumper, my boys, may we still find the way. To speak what we know, and to know what we say. SONGS. 229 Ye big wigs of Gresham some nostrum compound, To keep our heads clear, and preserve our hearts sound. May Greatness and Goodness as partners agree, May our sons, like ourselves, social sing we are free ! And may we, self-conscious, presumption despise, Nor e'er be so mad as to think ourselves wise. SEMELE. Tune, Hang whining and pining, lay hold of your glass, EXTINGUISH the candles, give Phoebus fair play, The shutters unbolt, let us honour the day ; My lady Lucina we 've drove from her post, The sun shines upon us, we '11 give him a toast. Says Caution, the neighbours are passing along, They '11 look through the sashes, and tell us we 're wrong : Remonstrance, avaunt — what is all they can say ? But they 've slept all night whilst we drank it away. Ye tutors, disputers, ye dignified doctors, Ye majors, ye minors, with prebends and proctors, What sense is it, prithee, which tells us to think? When all our seven senses declare we should drink. Our patron is Bacchus, and Jove was his sire, He was born in a burst of celestial fire ; Mamma begg'd the god would come worthy her charms, The light'ning of love proved too much for her arms. From her, in a moment, the baby was snatch'd t And into a buck by nurse Jupiter hatch'd* 230 SONGS. Th' immortal to expiate Semele's rape, Bestow'd on his foundling the gift of the grape. Ye love-sick who live on the shine of an eye, The red of a cheek, or the tone of a sigh ; Impress'd by the smiles or the frowns of a fair, As weather-glass shows variations of air : In country or town you have seen, without doubt, A dancing-bear led by a ring in his snout ; While pug plays his tricks if you show him some fruit, These emblems, ye ladies, will most lovers suit. If girls won't comply, why we never run mad, But away to the next, as enough may be had ; If again we're repulsed, we ne'er hang nor despair, But in wine comfort seek, we are sure of it there. Draw your bows, ye Crochetti, in Music 's defence, With sound I 'm for having a portion of sense; Give me a bell's tinkle, a fat landlord's roar, With a good fellow's bellow — biing six bottles more. Six bottles ! we'll have them, and bumper away, We've drank up the night, and we'll drink down the day ; Here 's their healths, who to wine and their words will be just ; Here 's the girl that we love, and the friend we can trust. MEDIOCRITY. Tune — Attempt to be happy ! but how can that be ? IN a neighbourly way, with an honest man's fame, Unoffending, I hope to succeed ; Attend if you please, if you 're pleased with a name, Imprimis, let Probity lead. SONGS. 251 Be careful to keep on Humility's side, Nor ever lose Gratitude's view ; Obey not the envy of Pique nor of Pride, Nor pilfer from Merit its due. Be assured that Esteem is a noble estate,—* Let not a fond smile make you proud ; Nor rail at men merely because they are great, Be not duped by the roar of a crowd. Shun Flattery's phrase, let not Promise allure, Nor dangle for dinners in taste ; Forget not old friends, though perhaps they are poor, Nor make new acquaintance in haste. Oh ! suffer not Interest Friendship to wean, Accept not Servility's treat ; Nor silently witness Iniquity's scene, But open at once on Deceit. Remember yourself, spare the shame of your friend, Nor carry your Wit to excess ; With spirit the cause of the absent defend, And shrink not your arm from Distress. Oppress not the low, nor be high people's slave, Nor ever despair nor be vain ; Howe'er inconsistent the world may behave, Mediocrity ever maintain. Kis viev/s let Ambition extend o'er the state, Let Avarice gluttonize wealth ; No nabobs I wish for, I would not be great, I only ask humbly for health. How cheerful, in health, will my latter days pass, Unenvy'd, unen vying live ; With the friends I have proved, and my fav'rite laS|S, And practice the precepts I give. 232 SONGS. WATER. Tune— >The big belly*d bottle. OUR chorus to Bacchus, to Bacchus we'll raise, Long corks be my garland instead of the bays ; With Burgundy's blessings my temples anoint, And toast the first toper who drank a half-pint. My song is to Bacchus, the god of the vine, The engineer artist to spring Beauty's mine ; Without him Wit pines, and Love languidly fades, Gold water has kept the nine Muses old maids. Quoth Temperance, ft Water 's the med'cine of health;" *' And water," quoth Prudence^ " will win a man wealth :" Though odd it may seem, as the story 's not long, Once water help'd Bacchus, and thus says the song : " It was when his harvest rejoiced the parch'd earth, " Beneath the first vine, Love on Wit begot Mirth ; " Yet Hate raised some rebels who broke from his sway* '* And, drunk with his bounty, denied to obey. " He harness'd his tigers, he marshall'd his force, " Silenus was sutler, Lord Pan led the horse; M The Ganges they cross'd, came in front of the foe, '< And struck them all dead, without striking a blow. " Twas Pan did the feat, cast them into a fright, " He crept, like a fox, through their camp in the night; '* All the wine he drew off, while these ignorants snored, " And into the bottles foul ditch water pour'd. SONGS. 235 " Each rebel, next morn, raised the flask to his head, " But chill'd the first gulp, in an ague-fit fled; " Fled, trembling, from monarch to meanest me- chanic, " From hence came the phrase, to put men in a panic** CONTENTMENT. Tune, Ye nobles who hurry through ev'ry gay toil. THE poachers for fortune who damsels ensnare, With dress and addresses deceive ; To lasses of wealth how those miscreants swear, And, alas ! how the lasses believe. Nay, some ladies seem to expect being lost, They trust whom they know are forsworn, They listen to him who has ruin'd the most, And hope to be ruin'd in turn. i Can this be believed? — no ! — the song-maker jokes, 'Tis the tale of a slanderous crew ; A sigh ! — then I fear that there may be some folks Who are sorry to say it is true; But when love for love is received on each side, How Tenderness smiles on the pair ; This, this is a triumph, and this is my pride, I enjoy such a favourite fair. No paint in her face, — no art in her mind, Her thoughts are explain'd by her eyes; From principle faithful, from gratitude kin( And scorns the deceit of disguise. 234 SONGS. All along on the slope, by the side of a stream, Our hours we happily pass ; My head on her lap, while ray love is her theme, And my looks I lift up to my lass. Enjoying the breeze from the fields of new hay, We gather the summer's sweet pride ; Or point to the brook where the small fishes play, And count them beneath the clear tide. In rooms rich embellish' d with Luxury's store, Let wealth pamper'd Indolence yawn ; Let Wantonness act her deliriums o'er, 'Till dupes to her dungeon are drawn. Let common-place Fondness her blandishments spread, And tempt by the toilet's parade ; The squeeze, the soft sigh, wanton glance, and sly tread, Are pantomime tricks of her trade. I have try*d, and can tell, — I have frolick'd away, And follow'd the fashion of fun ; The same farce have acted that 's play'd at this day, And while the world wheels will be done. GIVE THE DEVIL HIS DUE. Tune-- To take in good part the soft squeeze, 4c THERE is one thing, my friends, I must offer to you, 'Tis, Give to Old Nick what to Old Nick is due; What he owes to us, I can venture to say. Like a demon of rank, upon honour he '11 pay. SONGS. 235 Though you smile at my system, and sneer at my song, His worship 's allow'd to be Prince of Bon Ton ; Now thus lies the bus'ness, sirs, as we 're polite, And practise good manners, pray what is his right ? The devil is in you 's a phrase daily used, Yet oft, by such language the devil 's abused : Though some hollow hearts may have much room to spare, The devil himself would not choose to dwell there. Some people affect with this world to be sick, And give themselves up in a pet to Old Nick ; Devil fetch me ! they cry ; but if Satan they knew, His Honour has much better bus'ness to do. Though of darkness he 's king, he 's a prince of the air, And with his Infernalship we should deal fair ; The cheerful day 's ruled by the angel of light, And the devil (iord bless us) is monarch of night. I His torturing spirits around him await, As watchmen attend on the constable's state ; Those imps of authority sally in shoals, And pennyless strumpets drag in as damn'd souls. The hell upon earth, and life's dev'lish disease, Is poverty sinning, and seized on for fees ; Deep in darkness that dross we call money was hid, A proof that the use.on't to us was forbid. But Pluto, the devil's old heathenish name, Brought it forth from below, as a varnish for shame \ Persuasion, Temptation, attended the gold, f TiU all have been bid for, and few are unsold^ %M SONGS. We are dev'lishly odd, in a dev'lish odd way, Since bribe as bribe can, there 's the devil to pay ; The devil of party makes damnable rout, Though the devil a bit can we tell what about. May Satan seize those who by purchase deceive, May they take the same road who such things re- ceive; But may we preserve honest men, though they're few, Export all the rest, give the devil his due. THE FRIGHT. Tune — Ah ! Chloe ! transported) I cried. ONE ev'ning alone in the grove, Miss sat on the side of the green, She wonder'd at what they call love, And what it was married folks mean. '* All night how I tumble and toss, " Yet neither want manner nor means; " Alas ! must I live to my loss, *' And wither away in my teens?" Young Rodophil ran up the slope, As if he some sport had in view ; She trembled betwixt fear and hope, Irresolute what she should do. She saw him advance to her seat, She saw him, but could not away ; Love fix'd a large weight to her feet, Curiosity told her to stay. Desire gave grace to his tongue, As lovers to lovers will speak ; SONGS. 237 Enamour'd, he over her hung, Then bow'd down his lips to her cheek. He knelt, she attempted to rise, Though 'twas but a feeble essay ; The wildness he wore in his eyes, So scared her, she fainted away. TIME KILLERS. Tune— How foolish weak women beltite, HOW weak is the wisdom of man ? How foolish the fancy of taste ? Admitting that life 's but a span, That span must we wantonly waste ? About we dissatisfy'd move, And ramble from climate to clime; Yet neither enjoy nor improve, But only, alas ! to kill time. Ye husbands, rash dupes to excess, Pretend to live damn'd honest lives, Ingrates to the good ye possess. You abuse both your time and your wives. At midnight inebriate reel, A prey to foul prostitute's lure, O ! think what affection must feel, What delicate wives may endure ? The gun-loaded 'squire will toil All day with keen Industry's care, Incessantly anxious to spoil, The innocent tenants of air. . Or after the fox bursts away, Swift down the wind gallops along ; The mischiefs that chance in the day, At Eight furnish fun for a song. !38 SONGS. At toilets how beauties appear, Like fowlers they arm and take aim j High charged with curls, tier over tier, And animal man is their game. Sometimes with less dangerous arts The fair, dissipations pursue, If trifles did not take their parts, With horrid time what could they do ? When fine women do as they please, They hear not the nursery's din ; No husband's absurdities teaze, They fly such dull scenes to cut in. Dear brag, hazard, loo, and quadrille, Delightful ! ecstatic ! immense ! With them each reflection they kill, And escape all the trouble of sense. Yet, lovelies, before 'tis too late, While yet the pulse beats in its prime, Consider that wrinkles await, And make up your quarrel with Time. Before 'tis too late, so will we— Too long I 've your patience be-rhimed, With Time may we henceforth agree, And henceforth all things be well-timed. THE FUNERAL. Tune — Come ye careless, come and hear me* SEE the pall-supporting bearers, All in undertaker's show ; See the train of sable-wearers Acting ev'ry mode of woe. SONGS. Silent crowds the spot surrounding.. Call'd the grand receiver's dome ; Dismal tolling, tenor sounding, Fellow mortals follow home. List ! oh list ! ye state declaimers, On whose words the many dwell ; Place-bestowing, patriot-tamers, Hark ! oh hark ! 'tis grandeur's knell. Heralds loud proclaim the honours Which this once puissant past ; Tell his titles, count his manors, Lord of only this at last. View the tomb with sculpture splendid,, View the sod with briars bound ; There the farce of finery 's ended, All are equal under ground. Fashions there, there Envy 's banish'dj Beauties there can't plead their forms ; There precedencies are vanish'd, Offals all to odious worms. Wise folks, weak ones, poor and wealthy, Tenant unremitting graves; Haughty, humble, sick, and healthy, Britain's sons, and Asian slaves. Gloom no more the brow with sorrow* Meet the moment, come what may ; If we're all to die to-morrow, Let us live* my lads, to-day. We'll not lavish life's expenses, Nor be niggards when We pay ; Let us please, not pall our senses, This is Reason's holiday. 240 SONGS. Here, to dunces bid defiance, Affectations disapprove ; Here 's my toast,— The grand alliance, Friendship, Freedom, Wit, and Love. THE COBBLER OF CRIPPLEGATE. Tune, Had pretty Miss been at a dancing-school bred. THOUGH a cobbler is call'd but a low occupation, The practice of cobbling is come into fashion, From me up to those who would cobble the nation. Some say that old England wants heel-piecing,— * true, Our country is trod upon like an old shoe, And may heel-pieces want, ay, and head-pieces too. One, vamping our old constitution pretends, And turn and translate it to serve self and friends, All this is but botching to serve their own ends. Each roof in this island with Liberty rings, The good of their country each party-man sings, The sense of that phrase is — my country's good things. If I, but how should I the state have a hand in ? Good souls I 'd be picking, the bad be disbanding, And then we should come to a right understanding. Against want the cunning man wisely provides A storm-shunning shepherd beneath a bush hides, So as the times change we are sure to change sides. SONGS. 241 yith my awl in my hand I '11 old England defend, living room to my betters, who/ve much room to mend, lay they soon become better, or soon have an end. To those who are heedless what here may mishap, I neir hearts are as hard as the stone in my lap, They 're taking their swing, would their swing was my strap. begin to wax warm, so I'll close up my seam, > )r else I could hammer out such a fine theme, t was about something I saw in a dream. 'o my last I am come, and that shall not last long, "O this is the last of a poor cobbler's song, lay they now be right who till now have been wrong. MUM. Tune— Ye medley of mortals, 'E gossips who blab out the secrets of state, ■re tell-tales who over the tea-tables prate, 7e boasters of favours from beauties o'ercome, ?e wiser, poor prattlers, henceforward be mum. Sing tantararara mum all. Ye wives who have husbands neglecting their duties, That time give the bottle that 's due to your beauties ; Would you cure them? take care when in drink they reel home, Vo receive them with smiles, and resolve to be mum. it is good to hold fast, to hold much, or hold long, Hut the best hold of all is holding your tongue; M 242 SONGS. Though wits by their words good companions be- come, Can they get half so much as the man who is mum ? , The servant who slily keeps silent will rise. His ears he must doubt, nor give faith to his eyes Ask the fine waiting-maid how she rich could be- come, She will curt'sy and answer,— -because I was mum. But enough has been said, and enough has been sung; Remember, dear friends, keep good watch o'er your tongue ; I 've no more to say, to an end I have come, My rhymes are all cut, I must henceforth be mum. Sing tantararara mum all. THE HUM. Tune — Push about the brisk bowl. PUSH about the brisk bowl, 'twill enliven the heart, While thus we sit round on the — stay ! What business have I an old song to impart, When I, sirs, a new one can say, can say ? What shall I first say, or what shall I first do * What best will my bad voice become ? Why faith, sirs, I '11 strive by my verses to show, That life is, alas I but a hum. Children weep at their birth, and old men when they die, At death the most happy look glum ; At our entrance and exit we equally cry, Which proves our life 's plainly a hum. SONGS. 243 Law and physic you see will make sure of the fee, What advice to you gratis will come; If poor, you are lost, though merit you boast, For worth without wealth is a hum. Acquaintance pretend that your fortunes they '11 mend, And vow to your service they '11 come ; But be you in need, and you '11 find that indeed, Modern friendship is merely a hum. When some ladies kneel, small devotion they feel, (But let us be modest and mum), At the altar they bow, but 'tis only for show, Religion with them is a hum. We are humm'd from our birth, till we're humm'd into earth, To the end of our jokes then we come ; Take your glass, ray brisk brother, and I '11 take another, And thus make the most of a hum, a hum, And let's make the most of a hum. PRESENT TASTE. Tune, Last night , in my dream, J beheld a brown lass. ONE day meeting Momus, it was upon 'Change, Accosting the droll with — What news ? By the foot of Alcides, quoth he, it is strange, That the English should England abuse. As locusts, in swarms, cross the seas for their prey, As woodcocks first fleshless appear, 214 SONGS. So shoals of imported illib'rals this day, (Necessity's troop), landed here. Not a stroller from France, not a vagrant from Rome, Not a Swiss with a Marmozet show, But here men of science and breeding become, Outlandish folks ev'ry thing know. The rich will receive them as Flattery's imps, Servility grins in their looks, And British-born artists are elbow'd by pimps, By hair-dressers, dancers, and cooks. n English merit, in vain, may attempt at the lead, All the wit in the world we may waste ; But things from beyond sea are sure to succeed, They hit the high fashion of Taste. To taste and to honour who has not a claim ? They are worn without any expense ; They are self-bestow'd gifts, they 're egotist's fame, They 're knav'ry and dunces' defence. English might be allow'd in the rude days of yore, Such vulgars we can't now endure ; There is something so soft in the sound of Signior, And immensely polite in Messieur. How coarse sound the Sandbys; in merit indeed Those brothers embellish the age. Can such a rude name now as Rooker succeed ? Besides, he belongs to the stage. All 's vulgar and horrid, low, wretched, and flat, Of us thus the connoisseur speaks ; But exquisite fine, 'tis immense, and all that, When he talks about Gothics and Greeks. Perhaps my address a presumption may seem, And received by the rich as a sneer ; SONGS. 245 But with all you are worth, to be worthy esteem, Do justice to Genius born here. NOBODY AND NOTHING. Tune — Gee ho Dobbin. A STORY, or song, you have left to my choice, For one I 've no humour, for t' other no voice ; In attempting a tune I like nobody bawl, And as to a mimic, I 'm nothing at all. The wrinkled-cheek critic, called Squire Syntaxis, Pedantical speaking would bring into practice, With classical gabble may wink and may sneer, And beg I would make the thing nothing appear. For schoolmasters conjugate derivate stuff, I speak to be understood, that is enough ; The phrase of like nobody they may condemn, But as I sing nothing, 'tis nothing to them. Now as to this nobody I dare to say, Although we see somebody always in play ; And sometimes that something may somehow be shown, Yet Nobody only must many things own. The public is pester'd with many gay forms, Like butterflies springing from grubs and from worms ; Those well-dress'd necessities daily we view, In Nobody's bus'ness with nothing to do. They 've nothing to think on, they 've nothing to say, Nobody 's all night, and just nothing all day ; M 3 246 SONGS. At nothing they laugh, and at nothing they cry, And nobody cares how they live or they die. 'Tis Nobody only can guess the game play'd, When Nobody 's by, betwixt master and maid ; Unless Indiscretion should alter their plan, Nobody knows nothing 'twixt mistress and man. The romp too ripe grown, unless gather'd a spouse, Will fall, the first shake, from weak Chastity's boughs ; Dear Captain, she whispers, somebody will hear us, Dear Miss, whispers he, there is nobody near us. But when she 's betray'd, by her passion, to shame, And parents and guardians begin with their blame ; Who, T, sir ? — not I, sir ! — no ! honour forbid it, If I am with child, it was Nobody did it. The tread of gallant by Cornuto is heard, On tiptoe the lover from rendezvous scared ; Who 's there ? starts the husband, — 'tis thieves that I hear ; But wife pats his cheek, and lisps, Nobody ! dear. Anybody may say, if they please, I am wrong, Ev'rybody find fault, if they please, with my song; But careful lest somebody we should offend, I with nothing began, and with Nobody end. THE SWEETHEARTS. Tune — Derry down. SINCE the world is so old, and the times are so new, And every thing talk'd of except what is true ; SONGS. 247 Among other stories my fable may pass, Of four or five sweethearts who courted a lass, Derry down, &c. The first was from France, a-la-mode de Paris t All fashion, all feather, Men Monsieur Poudriej He bow'd, he took snuff, cut a caper, and then He bow'd, cut a caper, and took snuff again. A Dutchman advanced, when the lady he saw, He dropp'd down his pipe, and he waddled out yaw; With hands hid in pocket, and unpolish'd leer ; As frogs sing in courtship, so croak'd out Mynheer, From Connaught itself another beau came, Macfinnin Macgragh Ballinbrough was his name; He bow'd to the lass, and he stared at Mounseer, Clapp'd hand on his sword, and said, — Ah, arrah my dear ! The next a Mess John, of rank Methodist taint, Who thought like a sinner, but look'd like a saint, Closed hands, twirl'd his thumbs, moving muckle his face, Then turn'd up his eyes, as about to say grace. A neat English sailor in holiday trim, Who long loved the lass, and the lass had loved him, Athwart them all stept, under arm toss'd his switch, Squared his hat, oped his pouch, gave his trowsers a hitch. He along-side her fell, and he grappled on board, She struck the first broadside of kisses he pour'd, Then he tow'd her to church, and as to the rest, What afterwards follow'd is easily guess'd. Derry down, &e. 248 SONGS. A LESSON OF LOVE. Tune — Go on, ye gay wantons, 8$p. YE Lexicon critics, whose classical pride, Plain sense and plain English, as moderns, deride ; Yet woman, dear woman ! your minds could im- prove, Turn students to her, take a lesson of love. Ye rustics who burst from the arms of embrace, To beauty prefer the rude joys of the chace, So savage a practice no more you '11 approve, When once you have practised a lesson of love. At midnight, ye topers, when bump'ring your toast, Be careful of who, and to whom 'tis you boast ; If the tythe of those joys you pretend ye could prove, Wine would not have power to wean you from love. Ye soldiers, who rush through the rough work of war, As statesmen may scheme, or as sovereigns jar, Engagements more glorious at home ye may prove, So set up your standards and list under Love. Ye busy in traffic, whose cent, per cent, lives, Can estimate justly all worth — but your wives ; While th' interests of trade you so anxious improve, You neglect their demands, and are bankrupts to Love. The life of a man is inquietude's reign, Care, dulness, fatigue, disappointment, and pain ; But clasp the fond female, those ills she '11 remove, Such witchcraft has woman, such magic is love. SONGS. 249 SONG THE LAST ; OR, EPILOGUE. Tune — Laura's song in the Chaplet. THE Wits were wont, in ancient times, To estimate their age by rhymes, A ballad was their schooling ; We moderns may, perhaps, be wrong, If not likewise, also a song, May fit us for our fooling. Imprimis, there 's the men of state, But, hold ! I '11 let alone the great, Lest I should gain a schooling, For Greatness was not form'd for sport, Though some folks greatly make their court By greatly, greatly fooling. We play the fool, we act the wise, We bare-faced walk, or wear disguise, As hopes and fears are ruling ; And yet, with all our deep-laid wiles, From John o' Nokes to Tom o' Stiles, What is it all but fooling ? If men will think, if men will see, That all this to — or not to be, Is as we 're hot or cooling ; To-day on Expectation's wing, To-morrow off, 'tis not the thing, What is the thing ?— why fooling. 250 SONGS. Fool on, fool on, for life at best, Is but half-bred, 'twixt cry and jest, As Chance, not Reason's ruling; To Chance we owe our rights and wrongs, To Chance I dedicate these Songs, A ballad-maker's fooling, G. A. S. THE END. LONDON : Printed by T. Davison, Whitefriars. « ^6* : *$* *£* Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. 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