PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS -.f VI? ^ COME,DIE,S AND DRAMAS | I M 15 CENTS EACH % A\ M. F. 5K ^Jx ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD (The Factory Girl). Comic Z jfjji^ Drama of great force ; 2 acts ; 2 hours 6 3 «> /ft ARABIAN NIGHTS, THE. Farcical comedy ; always a great success with \f/ (fiS amateurs ; 3 acts ; 2^ hours 4 5 VJ/ vjc BARBARA. Drama; well-written romantic story with touches of genuine W •S: humor ; i act ; 30 minutes ... 2 2 :!' ifjls BETSY. Farcical comedy; keeps audience in roars of laughter to final cur- yfj'^ j/J\ tain ; 3 acts ; 2% hours 7 6 yf^ ^♦> BETWEEN TWO FIRES. Military drama : 3 acts ; 2 hours 8 3 ^^^ 4J BROKEN PROMISES. Strong temperance play of unflagging interest, Sj 'h relieved with much eccentric humor ; 5 acts ; i^ hours 6 3 ^K /j\ and emotional ; 5 acts ; 2% hours q 3 yjUf ^J CASTE, Comedy that always delights the public ; 3 acts ; 2^ hours 5 3 Vt/ 51; CRAWFORD'S CLAIM; OR, NUGGET NELL. Good ratthng Western fl ;?; drama ; 4 acts; 2^ hours 9 ■) ^/ i/^\ CRICKET ON THE HEARTH, THE. Dickens story dramatized ; 3 acts ; J> ifJlS 2 hours . 6 6 \^jf 2J DEACON'S TRIBULATIONS, THE. Comedy drama. A worthy sue- N|/ '•? cessor to the ever-popular "■ Deacon " ; 4 acts ; 2 hours 8 4 W /K EAST LYN N E. Standard drama ; 5 acts ; 2^ hours 8 7 j{j| ^j^ ENGAGED. Society comedy ; full of burlesque fun ; 3 acts ; 2^ hours 5 5^/1 ^jj FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. Domestic drama ; successful wherever produced ; Vj? jj? I act ; I hour 6 3 W /k HOME. Comedy ; fresh dialogue and genuine humor combined with a very ai /fA strong plot ; 3 acts ; 2 hours 4 3 JK imS HONEY-MOON ECLIPSE, A. Comedy marked by spirited dialogue and an \f> (^j\ abundance of comic incidents ; i act ; 30 minutes i 2 \f) 1^ IMOGENE; OR, THE WITCH'S SECRET. Realistic drama sure of being V|/ JIJ enthusiastically received everywhere ; 4 acts ; 2^ hours 8 4 W /!\ IN HONOR BOUND. Drama always given with entire success; i act; ^|i Jl(^ 1^ hour 2 2 ^Y^ JACK FOR EVERY JILL, A. A most successful comedy ; i act ; ^^ hour. 4 4 ij> ^|> JEMIMA, OR, THE WITCH OF BENDER. Very laughable in its jg Jj? absurd complications ; 3 acts ; 2 hours 4 4 jjj /A> JUST FOR FUN. Up-to-date society comedy. The piece is cheerfully ;i> /||\ recommended ; 3 acts ; 2 hours 2 4 ;^^ •^fe LA CIGALE. (The Grasshopper.) Comedy sometimes played as "The ill/f (fi^ Circus Girl " ; 3 acts ; 3 hours , 13 4 M/ Jl^ LADY OF LYONS, THE. Roxnantic Drama ; 5 acts ; 2 K hours 8 5 jj^ ^{\ LADY AUDLEY'S SECRET. Emotional drama ; 2 acts ; "ii< hours 4 3 5|J "?& MAJOR ABORN'S PROPOSAL. Comedy in i act: about 45 minutes; a ^ ^iii pretty comedy especially adapted for amateur production 3 2 'VJ^ 4c MARBLE ARCH, THE. Comedy: one of the most popular little plays; ^J^ ^•^ I act ; ^ hour 2 2 ^ ^|\ MARRIED LIFE. Comedy; companion piece to "Single Life"; 3 acts; i^fjjf i/l\ 2 hours 5 5 yf^ ^i^ MEG'S DIVERSION. Drama; pathetic, humorous and picturesque ; 2 acts ; ilM 2J i^ hours 5 3 V|> ijc MEN, MAIDS, AND MATCHMAKERS. Society comedy sparkling with Jg /!\ wit, interest and human nature ; 3 acts ; 2 hours 4 4 ?K ^|>k MIRIAM'S CRIME. Drama; the interest in this play is kept up to the very lyf/) <^|>i end ; 3 acts ; 2 hours S 2 yf) ^Iv DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann St., N. Y. U A REGULAR FLIRT An Up-to-Datc Society Comedy in Three Acts BY ELEANOR MAUD CRANE Author of '7ust for Fun," "Men, Maids and Match-Makers/* "A Pair of Idiots," etc. COPYRIGHT, 1903, BY ELEANOR MAUD CRANE ^ NEW YORK DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers 18 Ann Street THE LIBRARY OF } CONGRESS, , .[ , . Two Copies Recaivec j C. W JUL 23 1903 ^y j/ , Copyright tntry I CLASS ^. XXc. No I ' 3 / o s- I COHY B. ^^-f^ 4^ <^ '^- A REGULAR FLIRT. e^ DRAMATIS PERSONAE. Dr. Theodore Morgan A Prominent Physician Reginald Morgan ^ ^^^ Doctor's Nephews Theodore Morgan j Dick Harding \ The Doctor's Step-Sister's Son Kitty Harding Dick's Sister Mrs. Mortimer Mason. A Designing Widow Marie O'Reilly Mrs. Mason's Maid Mildred Elliot A Regular Flirt Time.— The Present. Place.— Larchmont, a suburb of New York. Season. — Summer. Costumes. — Modern. Time of Playing, — Two Hours and a' half. SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. ]^ •if.^it J*-*-^^^e^Li''brary :in Dr. Morgan's house. The eve of th'e hdus'e-i)arty."' Dick decides to take the position of butler in his uncle's family. Mrs. Mason decides to marry the Doctor. The guests arrive. A wager is made. Act II. — The next morning. Scene — The Doctor's garden. The race is lost and won. Dick takes refuge in the tool-box. Dr. Morgan becomes confidential. Mrs. Mason is made happy. Theodore consults his uncle. Breakfast is served. Act III. — Two weeks later. Scene — Same as Act I. Marie is surprised. The Doctor and Dick come to an understanding. Reg- inald and Theodore decide to keep bachelor's hall. The Regular Flirt falls a victim to Cupid's wiles. TMP92-008962 A Regfulat Flitt 3 COSTUMES* Kitty Harding. Act I. — Summer gown of light organdie. Act II. — Garden costume, picture hat. Act III. — Full evening dress. Mildred Elliot. Act I. — Half evening dress, to contrast in color with Kitty's. Act II. — White garden dress. Sunbonnet hung over one arm. Act III. — Full evening dress, flowers, fan. Mrs. Mason. Act I. — White gown elaborately trimmed with black, lorgnette. Act II.— Elaborate garden costume, large hat, sunshade, gloves. Act III. — Black spangled evening dress, vio- lets, long gloves, jewels. Dr. Theodore Morgan. Act I. — White duck suit, glasses. Act II. — Riding suit, gaiters and straw hat. Act III. — Full evening dress, white gloves. Reginald Morgan. Act I. — Travelling suit of mixed goods, tan gloves, straw hat. Act II. — Golf suit. Act III. — Full even- ing dress. Theodore Morgan. Act I. — Travelling suit, rather conspic- uous in color ; bright yellow gloves. Act II. — White duck suit, Panama hat and bright tie. Act III. — Full evening dress, gloves, monocle. Dick Harding. Act I. — First costume: Frock coat, gray trousers. Second costume : Butler's uniform, wig. Act II. — First costum.e : Blue serge suit. Second costume : Butler's uni- form. Act III. — Butler's uniform. Marie O'Reilly. Short black dress, white cap with coquettish bow, white apron with tiny pockets, high-heeled shoes with big buckles. ABBREVIATIONS* In observing, the player is supposed to face the audience, c. means centre ; r., right ; l., left ; r. c, right of centre ; l. c, left of centre ; c. d., centre door ; r. d., right door ; l. d., left door ; d. r. c, door right of centre ; d. l. c, door left of centre ; d. f., door in the flat; c. d. f., centre door in the flat; R. D. f., right door in the flat ; L. D. F., left door in the fiat ; i g., 2 g., 3 G., etc., first, second or third grooves, etc. ; i e., 2 e.^ 3 e., etc., first, second or third entrances, etc.; r. u. e., right upper entrance; L. u. e., left upper entrance; up, up stage or toward the rear; down, down stage or toward the audience ; x. means to cross the stage ; x. r., cross toward the right; x. l., cross toward the left. R. r. c. c. l. c. l. 4 A Regular Flirt PROPERTIES. Act I. — Stage properties as per scene-plot at head of act. Golf kit and dress-suit case for Dick. Invitation in pocket for Marie. Fans, handkerchiefs and candlesticks containing lighted candles for Mildred and Kitty. Lorgnette for Mrs. Mason. Monocle and small change in pocket for Theodore. Box of chocolates and small change for Reginald. Note-book and pencil in pocket for Doctor. Letters, postals and pens on desk for Kitty. Chess- board and men on mantle. Small bell and magazine on table. Lighted candles and flowers on mantle and desk. Small tray and two glasses of water for Dick. Act IL — ^Large tool-box up l. Padlock and key. Two flat stones and a trowel near box. Rustic well with tin dipper hang- ing by it down r. Rustic bench, r. c. Small pebbles in front of bench. Sunbonnet and ring for Mildred. Sunshade, shawl, fan, handkerchief and gloves for Mrs. Mason. Spectacles and cigar-case for Dr. Morgan. Cane, monocle, handkerchief and one long suede glove in pocket for Theodore. Light cane and one long suede glove in pocket for Reginald. Breakfast table set with six cups, saucers, plates, knives, forks, spoons, crackers, celery and sandwiches for Dick and Marie. Camp-stools for Dick. Match in pocket for Dick. Small dog for Mildred. Act in. — Same as Act I. More flowers, plants and lights. No desk or small tables. Gloves, fan, shawl, handkerchief, roses and ring for Mildred. Fan, gloves and flowers for Kitty. Lorgn- ette and fan for Mrs. Mason. Letter on tray, glass of water, ring and step-ladder for Dick. Smilax, flower in button-hole, handkerchief, white gloves and glasses for Dr. Morgan. White gloves, plates of whipped cream and monocles for Theodore and Reginald. Brass poker and tongs near fireplace. Portieres drape doorways. A REGULAR FLIRT. ACT I. SCENE. — Library in Dr. Morgan^'s suburban home in Larch- mont. Doors up r. and l. Windows up c, draped. Mantel down R.^ with ornaments. Chess-board and men on mantel. Mirror over mantel. Desk, with writing materials, l. c. Chair at desk. Footstool r. of desk. Small sofa down r. Small table, with magazine and bell, r. Chair down l. Rugs down. Lighted candles on mantel and desk. Time, evening. Lights up. [Kitty is DISCOVERED in listening attitude close to D. L. c. She turns and walks down R. and stands with -fingers clasped over her ears. Enter Dick, l. He slams door after him and advances to c, kicking footstool out of his way. Dick {angrily). I won't put up with it any longer. I declare I won't. {He catches sight of EIitty, who stands motionless, her back toward him.) Kitty! {Louder.) Kitty! {He goes close to her and almost screams.) Kitty! Kitty {taking her hands from over her ears and facing him with a start). Good gracious, Dick, how you startled me! Dick. Well, it nearly took an earthquake. What in the world were you doing? {Puts his hands in his pockets and walks R.) Kitty. Trying not to hear what you and uncle were saying. Dick. Why didn't you shut the door ? That would have been a surer way. {Seats himself on sofa, R.) Kitty. I was so nervous I have been walking the floor. What did he do? {Seats herself in chair, l.) Dick. Told me to go to the — ahem ! Kitty {rising hastily). Oh, Dick, he didn't! Dick {leaning back). Of course, you know best. Kitty {seating herself again and shaking her head). Well, I must say I'm surprised ! He has always been the kindest man in the world, and now 6 A Regular Flirt Dick. Now he's the very old scratch ! He walked all over me. Kitty (leaning forward). It's a perfect shame! What will you do? Dick (shrugging his shoulders) . I'm blessed if I know. Kitty (lowering her voice). Have you any money at all? Dick (in disgusted tones). Not a cent. Kitty. Can't you borrow some? Dick. I owe more now than I'm able to pay. The fact is, Kit, I'm in a pretty fix. Kitty (rising and tvalking c). Let me speak to him, Dick. You always rub him the wrong way. Dick (crossly). Of course, I'm to blame. Kitty (laying her hand on his shoulder). Don't be cross, Dick. I only want to help you. Dick. I know you do, Kitty, and I'm a brute, but I'm so wor- ried. If I only had a little more time I'm sure I could get that position in the bank, but he won't give me another day. Of course, I know we have no claim on him Kitty (turning R.). He was our mother's brother, and is as rich as Croesus. Dick (shaking his linger at her and raising his eyebrows). Step-brother, you mean, which is quite a different thing. Kitty (sitting r. of table). I wish we had never attempted this house-party. I'm in no humor to entertain any one. For some reason or other uncle has been on the rampage all day. First he dismissed Michael Dick (in surprise). Michael! Kitty (sadly). Yes, Michael; and what we shall do without him I don't know. Dick. Why in the world did uncle discharge him? Kitty. I can't imagine, but (looking hastily about and speak- ing impressively) I can guess who is back of it. Dick (drawing a long whistle). Not Mrs. Mason? Kitty. Yes, Mrs. Mason. She's a regular old cat and I hate her. She made uncle believe that I needed a chaperone and got him to invite her here, and now she Is trying to run everything to suit herself. She and that precious maid of hers seem to fill the house. Nothing escapes them. Why, see here. (She tip- toes across the room and suddenly opens d. l. Marie is discov- ered in listening attitude. She zvalks slozvly into room.) Marie (curtseying). Meeses Mason sent me to ask eef the evening mail had gone. Kitty (severely). No, it hasn't. (Marie curtseys.) And, Marie, the next time you have a message for me don't stand wait- ing so long ow/side the door. A Regular Flirt 7 Marie. Yes, Mees. (She curtseys.) Kitty (pointing to door). You may go. Marie. Yes, Mees. (Curtseys.) [EXIT Marie, l. Kitty (opens door, looks after her, then closes door and walks u. L. c). That's the sort of thing I have to contend with con- stantly. Dick (walking u.). I do believe you are right, Kitty. (Turns and faces Kitty.) Now I think of it, Mrs. Mason had a long talk with uncle just before he sent for me, and I bet she put him up to this business. Kitty (crossing r.). Of course she did, and she's to blame about Michael, too. The boys are coming to-night, and how am I to get along? (Seats herself, R.) Dick. How much did uncle pay Michael? Kitty. Forty dollars a month. Dick. What did he do? Kitty. Oh, I don't know. He attended the door and went for the mail and cleaned the silver. Dick (walks slowly c. and l., then turns and faces Kitty.) Kitty, I shall do it. (Raises his hand as Kitty is about to speak.) Don't try to persuade me not to, for my mind is made up, and when I once make up my mind I — I — I — well, I make up my mind. (Walks L.). Kitty. My dear boy, what are you talking about ? Dick (drawing himself up). Ahem! You see before you the future butler of Theodore Morgan, M.D. Madame, at your service. (He bows stiMy.) Kitty (rising). Dick, are you crazy? Dick (l. c). Not a bit of it. Kitty. What on earth do you mean? Dick. Merely this and nothing more. Do you doubt my abil- ity to but? Kitty. Please stop teasing, Dick. (Crosses l.) Dick (giving way). My dear sister, don't you see I am in dead earnest? I. must have money. Uncle says work. I take his advice. You need a butler. I shall buttle. Michael has gone. Long live the new Michael ! Kitty. Really, Dick, this idea is preposterous. (Sits l.) Dick, it is a very practical way out of my difficulties. By taking Michael's place for a month I get my board free, gratis and for nothing, keep one eye out for a more congenial job. one eye on you, and at the same time watch the manoeuvres of your charming chaperone and her m.eddlesome maid. Kitty. But, Dick, what vrill IMildred say? 8 A Regular Flirt Dick (anxiously). Do you think she will care? Kjtty. Of course she will. Aren't you going to promise to love, honor and obey her some sweet day^? Dick. I'm not so sure about that. Mildred is such a slippery little puss that I never know what to expect from her. Kitty. I hope I shall be able to keep from smiling when I see you literally in Michael's boots. Dick. Kitty, promise me that you won't give me away. I told uncle I was going to Boston, and he thinks I've gone. Kitty. Suppose somebody asks for you? Dick. Tell them I'm lost, strayed or stolen. Kitty (slowly). Well, I promise. Dick (walking to d. r.). Now for my interview. [EXIT Dick, r. Kitty sits lost in thought, her elbows on the arms of her chair, her chin resting on the hacks of her clasped hands. ENTER Mildred c, advances to l. Mildred. Good gracious, Kitty, are you deaf? I have been calling you for the last hour. Kitty (looking up and sighing). Only day-dreaming, my dear. What do you want? Mildred (walking to mantel). I wanted to know what you were doing. Kitty. Well, for once in my life I was doing absolutely noth- ing. Mildred. How delightful ! I shall help you. (Seats herself opposite Kitty.) Kitty (rising and going to desk, r. c). Lazy boots! But I must not waste any more time, for I have a letter to write. (Kitty writes.) Mildred (looking around). Where is Dick? I thought he was here. Kitty (pointing to Mildred with her pen). You old fraud! So this is why I am honored. Mildred. Of course not, only ENTER Dr. Morgan, d. l. Doctor (to Kitty). I came to tell you, my dear, that you needn't worry about Michael's leaving, for I have engaged another butler. Kitty. Why did you dismiss old Michael, uncle? A Regular Flirt 9 Doctor. I simply couldn't stand his airs. He got worse and worse, until even his manner of saying "Yes, Dr. Morgan," "No, Dr. Morgan" (touching an imaginary hat stiMy), drove me wild. I think you will find the new man a great improvement. Kitty. Where is he? Doctor. I sent him to the station to meet the nine o'clock ex- press. I thought Dick would go for me, but he decided rather hastly to run on to Boston. {Seats himself l. and takes up maga- zine. ) Mildred (rising). Boston? Why, Kitty, you didn't tell me this! Doctor (looking up). Did he say anything to you about going, Kitty? Kitty (nervously playing with her handkerchief) . Er, no — I mean yes — that is, I think so. Er — I — he did mention it. Doctor. Yes? Then he must have gone. I'm afraid I spoke rather hastily, but I never dreamed that he would take me at my w^ord. Mildred (angrily). Dr. Morgan, I do think you were awfully mean to send Dick away, and I won't forgive you an inch. We might as well open a femiale seminary at once. (Sits r.). Doctor. My dear child, what an extraordinary idea ! Mildred (sadly). Three lone, lorn women shut up in the house together for two weeks. I shall be forced to get up a flirtation with the new butler. Kitty (in mock horror). Mildred, how shocking! Mildred. Can't help it, my dear ; the situation is desperate. Not a single young man. I shall die, I know I shall. Doctor (smiling). Where do I come in? Mildred. You're a dear old goose, but you couldn't flirt if you tried. Doctor. Don't be too sure about that. But if you impertinent girls haven't the good sense to prefer age and wisdom to youth and nonsense, I have a little secret to whisper in your ear that may chase some of those frowns away. Mildred (rises and goes c). A secret? How perfectly charm- ing Doctor. You promise to keep it? Mildred (clasping her hands). On my word of honor. Doctor. You won't even tell Kitty. Mildred (goes to Doctor). I won't, I won't. Indeed, I won't. (Doctor whispers in her ear.) Not really? (Back to l. c.) Doctor. Fact. Mildred (walks r.). Oh, it's too good to be true! (Turns.) When? JO A Regular Flirt Doctor. To-night ! I sent the carriage to meet them. It will be back soon. {Looks at watch.) Mildred. Real live men? Doctor. As lively as crickets. Mildred. Dr. Morgan, you're the dearest man in all the world. Kitty!, Kitty! Kitty {looking up absently from her writing). Yes? Mildred {enthusiastically) . What do you think? Your uncle says his nephews are coming here this evening to spend a whole week. Doctor {shaking his finger at her). Mildred Hortense Elliot, you solemnly promised on your sacred word of honor that you would not divulge one word of the secret I have just committed to your keeping. What have you got to say for yourself? Mildred {penitently). Oh, I'm awfully sorry! I am, truly. Do forgive me this time. Kitty had to be told soon, any- way. Didn't you, Kitty? Besides, you couldn't expect me to keep two whole young men. {Walks u. R.). Kitty. There is no great harm done, Mildred, and uncle is the one who should be punished. I thought it would be pleasant to have a little house-party while you were here, and asked uncle to invite the boys. I didn't tell you, for I wanted to give you a little surprise. But men can never keep secrets, you know. Doctor. I hope Michael — I mean Richards — won't lose his way. {Rises.) I think I shall walk to the gate and see if they are coming. [EXIT Doctor, c. to R. Mildred (u. r.). Isn't it glorious, Kitty? Kitty. What? {Rises with letter in hand, crosses R.). Mildred. Don't be tiresome. You know well enough what I mean. I've been simply dying for a fresh flirtation. I haven't had one for a month. Kitty {raising her eyebrows). Indeed? As long as that? Mildred {slowly). The last flirtation I had was at Mrs. Tay- lor's cotillion. I promised to work him a sofa cushion in his college colors, but I forget what they are, so I consider myself free. It would never do to give a Yale man a Princeton pillow, now would it? {Sits l.) Kitty. I suppose not. {Sits r.) Mildred. I wonder if they are good-looking? What are their names, Kitty? Kitty. Reginald and Theo Morgan. Theo was named for uncle. Mildred. Then they are vour cousins? Kitty. No. They are Uncle Theodore's brother's sons. Dick A Regular Flirt It and I are his step-sister's children. I haven't seen the boys since they were little fellows. Mildred. I hope they have brown eyes and curly hair. I adore brown eyes. If I ever fall in love with a man whose eyes are blue I shall make him dye them. I wonder if they dance? Kitty, you provoking girl, you are not one bit excited. I don't believe you care a rap. Now, I have a feeling that I shall meet my fate to-night. Kitty. And Dick? Mildred (snapping her Ungers). A fig for Dick! Kitty. Sometimes, Mildred, I wonder if you have a heart. Mildred. Set your mind at ease, my dear. I have one in a most disgracefully flourishing condition. {Thoughtfully.) Reg- inald — Theodore — Theodore — Reginald — Mrs. Reginald Morgan — Mrs. Theodore Morgan. Which name do you prefer, Kitty? Kitty. Neither. I like plain names for men. Mildred {gayly). Well, none of your Toms, Dicks or Harrys for me. Kitty {rising and walking to desk). Perhaps they won't suc- cumb to your charms. Perhaps they have sweethearts of their own. Perhaps Mildred {rising and going to Kitty), Oh, perhaps! perhaps! perhaps ! You old croaker. Come into the music-room and show me how that new waltz goes. I feel so restless I can't keep still. {Places her arm about Kitty's zvaist, drawing her to d. l.) [EXEUNT Mildred and Kitty, d. l. ENTER Mrs. Mason, followed by Marie, c, from r. Mrs. Mason {going down l.). Did you say Mr. Dick had gone, Marie ? Marie (u. r. c). Oui, Madame. Mrs. Mason. Oh, speak English, Marie. Marie. Yes, Madam. {Curtsey.) Mrs. Mason. Everything is working finely! {Sits L.) Was the Doctor very angry? Marie {raising her hands, palms outward, and rolling her eyes). Parfectly fureeous, Madam ! Hees face so red did get I thought he would burst and he told him to aller au diable. Mrs. Mason {frowning). Never mind the particulars. Marie. Oh, Madam, he called heem terreeble names. I shook until the door he r-r-rattled, and scarcely could I through the key- hole see. Mrs. Mason. What time did he go? J2 A Regular Flirt Marie. I heard the Doctor Mees Kitty tell that Meester Deeck had the 8.30 train taken. Mrs. Mason. Good ! Now, the next thing to do is to get rid of that Kitty. It will be a difficult task, but I am rarely baffled, Marie. Marie. Yes, Madam. (Curtsey.) Mrs. Mason. Has Michael gone? Marie (sadly). Yes, Madam. ' Mrs. Mason. That's splendid ! He has been here too long and knew too much. Now, when I am married to the Doctor Marie (in surprise). Madam! Mrs. Mason (frowning). Oh, bother! I did not intend to let that slip ! Well, the mischief is done now. Can I trust you, Marie? Marie (curtsey). Ah, yes. Madam, you can trust Marie. Mrs. Mason (thoughtfully). You see, Marie, I am going to marry the Doctor. Marie (clasping her hands). How romanteek! (Takes step u. c.) When? Mrs. Mason. Oh, not for some time. In fact, he doesn't know anything about it yet, but he will when I am ready. (Rises and goes to window, stopping at desk and looking at letters.) So far all works beautifully, but we must be discreet and cut our cards carefully. You must be a good girl and keep your eyes and ears open, and (leaving desk and zvalking to window) you shall have a new silk dress to wear at my wedding. Marie. Madam ees so kind, so good ! Mrs. Mason (looking out of window). Now I must run and take an umbrella to the dear Doctor. He is standing there by the gate, and it looks like rain. Men always appreciate thought- fulness in a woman. [EXIT Mrs. Mason, r. Marie (looking after her). Ah, Madam ees a wonderful wo- man ! She knows how to manage. She should have been born one general. ENTER Dick, l. to c, in butler's uniform. He carries a dress- suit case and golf kit. Marie (u. l.). Mon Dieu! The new butler. Ah, he ees one fine young man ! Ahem ! (She clears her throat, and as Dick looks toward her she curtsies. Dick deposits articles u. R.) Let me help you, Meester — Meester Dick (u. r.). Thanks. I think I can manage. (Walks down R.) A Regular Flirt J3 Marie (following to l. c.) Ah, now don't be deesagreeable, Meester — Meester Pardon, but Mees Kitty ees not here to introduce. You are the new butler, ees it not? I am Marie O'Reilly. My mother called me Marie. She was French and what you say — romanteek. Dick (r). Was your father French, too? Marie (smiling). Non, non; mon pere he was Irish — Mon- sieur Patreek O'Reilly. You are the new butler n'est ce pas? (Crosses down r.) Dick (crossing to l.). Yes, I'm Richards. Is this the mail? (Picks up letters from desk.) Marie (taking letters from him). Ah, yes ; but I have not feen- ished with it yet. (Comes d. l. with letters.) Dick (down r.). What do you mean? Marie (calmly reading a postal). There ees much for me to see to-day. (Holds up letter and examines it with head on one side.) Mees Mildred haf write to that offeecer again. Ah, there ees a girl! (Looks at Dick.) Don't you always overlook the mail? Dick (r., sharply). Of course not. Marie. That ees very foolish. How can you to know what ees to happen eef you never look the letters through ? Dick. I consider it none of my business. Marie (looking at him in surprise). Ah, that ees one big meestake. Everything ees your beesiness. Everything. I think you have not butler been long? Dick (grimly). No; this is my first position. I Marie (pointing to him). Ah, I see ! You are what my father call him — green. Let me tell you one thing, my friend. Neever neglect the mail, eef you would be wise. Dick. Thanks. Marie. Now you are cross with Marie. (Advances c.) See, I will make you pleased. Do you dance, Meester Reechard? Dick (stammers). Yes — no — I don't know. I used to. Marie (clapping her hands). Ah, that ees good. You shall go \vith me to the ball. Dick (advancing c). But Marie (raising her hand). No, no, no. I say you shall. Michael was to go, but Michael ees not here no more. See, here ees the invitation. (Draws card from pocket and shows it to Dick.) It ees to be very fine ball. No wash ladies, no kitchen ladies — just real ladies and gentlemen, like you and me, Meester Reechard. Remember, to-morrow night. (Leaves invitation in Dick's hand, and EXIT d. r.) 14 A Regular Flirt ENTER Kitty, c. from l. Dick (putting card in pocket and facing Kitty). Well, Kit, how do you like me? Kitty (going l.). Dick, oh, Dick! How could you? Your lovely beard ! I could cry. Dick (advancing r. c). Well, for mercy's sake, don't! I had to have some disguise ; and it will grow out again, you know. It's the wig that bothers me. (Scratches,) My, how stiff I feel! I am beginning to realize that old Michael didn't have such a soft snap, after all. Kitty (advancing c. and patting his shoulder). Poor boy! Are you very tired? Dick. I have hitherto labored under the delusion that Michael did a comfortable lot of posing around, and now I am finding out my mistake. Kitty (walking l.). Dick, it's a perfect shame! I wish you would give up this crazy idea. Here are the boys arriving for this house-party, and you have all the work and none of the fun. (Sits L.) Dick (sitting r.). My dear girl, I am having all the fun im- aginable. Why, I have just received a pressing invitation to a swell ball. Kitty. And you can't go ? Oh, Dick, I am so sorry ! Dick. Of course, I am going. I wouldn't miss it for a farm. Kitty. But you will be recognized and uncle will be furious. Dick. He will be none the wiser, for let me tell you none of your exclusive set will be present. (Rises and advances c.) Here is the invitation. (Draws card from pocket.) An imposing affair, you will acknowledge. (Kitty rises and advancing c, looks at card.) ''Tickets fifty cents. Admit gent and lady." I am to escort the fair Marie. (Puts invitation in pocket.) Kitty (in dismay). Not Mrs. Mason's maid? Dick. The same. Won't we make a striking pair? (Sticks out elbows and swaggers.) Kitty. Dick, you are not really going? Oh, dear I I can just picture you waltzing with the cook. Dick. You're wrong there. No cooks, chambermaids or such common white trash are to be present. Only the select upper ten will be there, and I feel quite ''sot up" to think I am honored. [Laughter outside. Kitty. Here they all come. (Walks l. c.) Dick. Now I must prepare to but. (He throws back por- tiere L. c.) A Regular Flirt J5 ENTER Mrs. Mason, Mildred, Dr. Morgan, Kitty, Reginald, Theodore. Reginald places candy-box on mantel. All ad- vance, talking and laughing. Positions. Dr. Morgan. Mrs. Mason. Mildred. Theo. Reginald. Kitty. Doctor (smiling and rubbing his hands). Here they are, Kitty, bag and baggage. Welcome, boys, welcome. This is Lib- erty Hall, you know. Mildred. And I am the Goddess of Liberty. (Strikes attitude, one hand raised at full length above her head.) [All laugh. Mrs. Mason and Mildred cross over. EXIT Dick. Dr. M. seats himself on chair, r. c. Mrs. Mason sits at his right. Kitty (looking at boys). How you tw^o have changed! I should never have know^n either of you. (Walks to R. c. and stands behind her uncle's chair.) Theo (speaking with a drawl). Aw — Miss Mildred, I don't believe you remember me, for I haven't seen you since you were so high. (Measures about a foot from the floor.) You used to come and play with Kitty. You wore little bobbed-off skirts, don't you know Positions. Kitty. Reginald. Dr. Morgan. Mildred. Mrs. Mason. Theo. Reg. And you gave me three kisses for five pieces of candy. Mildred. I'm sure you are both mistaken. Doctor (after regarding boys, turns to Mrs. Mason). Did you ever see such boys ? I can't get a word in edgewise. Kitty (to Theo). I am so glad you brought your kit. The links here are fine. Reg. (contemptuously) . He has never played a game in his life. Kitty. That's all right. He will soon pick it up. Theo. It's the simplest thing in the world. (Takes c. All stop talking and look at Theo, who illustrates as he speaks.) First you make a little mound, so. Then you stick your ball on top of it, so. Then you stand off and whack it with your caddy. 16 A Regular Flirt [All laugh. Reginald turns on his heel and walks to mantel, taking up candy-box. Doctor (clapping his hands). Bravo! Theo, you will soon be- come a champion. [Reginald gives candy to Mildred. Mildred. How perfectly lovely ! A box of candy for me. How did you ever guess I wanted some? Chocolates, too, my favorites ! (She beams on Reginald, who smiles back at her. Theo scowls. Mildred passes candy.) Doctor. Did the card club meet here this afternoon. Miss Mil- dred? (To Mrs. Mason.) These young ladies are so very pro- gressive that they scorn men's society and have formed a club of their own — no men admitted. Mildred (back in her place, l. c). Yes, indeed, I must confess I like to be independent. Will you ring for some water, Mr. Mor- gan? I am so thirsty. [Reginald and Theo gaze wildly about them. Both spy small bell on table, l. c. Both spring forward and strike bell. ENTER Dick, r. Reg. a glass of water for Miss Mildred, Richards. Theo. Aw — yes, a glass of water. Dick. Yes, sir. [EXIT Dick. Reginald takes Theo's seat beside Mil- dred. Theo stares at him through his monocle, then places a chair close to Mildred's other side and seats himself. Mildred. I hate to see a girl who can't be happy without a lot of men fussing around her all the time. ENTER Dick with two glasses of water. Both men spring up and each seizes a glass and offers it to Mildred. Mildred. Oh, thank you so much ! Dear me, two glasses ! Well, I shall be generous and take a sip from each. (She drinks first from Theo's glass and returns it to him. He returns glass to Dick, who stands scowling at them. Mildred sips from Reg- inald's glass, and as he gives it back to Dick, Theo takes seat on sofa by Mildred. Reginald returns, sees Theo and scowls. Mildred looks up at Reginald, smiles and gives him her fan.) You may fan me, Mr. Morgan. It is very warm to-night. (Reg- inald takes chair beside Mildred and fans her.) So when Kitty suggested this afternoon a card club for girls only, I knew it A Regular Flirt J7 would just suit me. (She drops handkerchief. Both men stoop for it and hump heads.) Theo. Clumsy! Reg. Stupid ! [Theo secures handkerchief and gives it to Mildred^ zvho smiles at him and then at Reginald. Mildred. Thanks. That is my handkerchief. I didn't know I dropped it. Now isn't this unfortunate? I detest peppermint. (Holds up candy.) Reg. (holding out his hand). Give it to me. I adore pepper- mint. Theo. What a fib ! Miss Mildred, Reginald never eats candy. Reg. I am going to eat this bit, however. Mildred. You will have to toss up for it. (Men rise and take coins from their pockets.)* Now, heads it's yours (nods to Theo), and tails it's yours (nods to Reginald). [Men toss coins, while Mildred regards them smilingly, nibbling the candy until she has eaten the entire piece. Theo. Oh, joy! I win. Luck was with me. Where is the candy. Miss Mildred? Mildred (extending empty hands). Oh, I'm awfully sorry! How could I have been so thoughtless? I — I — have eaten it all up. (Reginald slaps his knee and laughs.) Never mind, you shall have two of the biggest pieces in the box. (Mildred ayid Theo hold the box between them, their heads bent together over it. Reginald rubs his chin and scowls.) Doctor. No, Mrs. Mason, whist is not my strong forte. Chess is my great game. Mrs. Mason. Why didn't you let me know this before. I adore chess. (Kitty brings board and chess men from mantel. Doctor sets up pieces as Mrs. Mason talks.) Thank you, dear (to Kitty). My dear Dr. Morgan, why do you always speak of yourself as an old man? It is perfectly ridiculous. My dear de- parted (sighing and raising her eyes to the ceiling) always said that a man is as old as he feels. Doctor. But, Mrs. Mason, when a man is nearly fifty he can no longer consider himself a boy. Mrs. Mason. Not a boy, perhaps, but Doctor. Check ! Mrs. Mason. How funny! I never saw that knight. Now where shall I move next? I can't go there, nor there, nor there. Oh ! Here's a place. [Business playing chess. Kitty watches game. Mildred. Why, Mr. Theo, what an awful story ! What do you suppose your hrother says? (To Reginald.) He doesn't be- t& A Regular Flirt lieve I ever saw the sun rise in my life. Did you ever ! Why, Fm willing to make a wager with either of you that I shall be awake first to-morrow morning. Theo. I'll take you up. Reg. So shall I. Doctor. Checkmate ! Mrs. Mason. That's so ! What a fine game you play. (Doc- tor collects pieces, puts them in box. Rises.) Let's try another game? Doctor. Not to-night. I am interested in this wager. (Walks c) Kitty. But, Mildred, how can you prove it? We all wake up early enough. It's the getting up that's so hard. Positions.' Doctor. Theo. Kitty. Mildred. Mrs. Mason. Reginald. Doctor. You should appoint a meeting-place. Mildred. Yes, that's the best way. I vote we have a race. Doctor, will you hold the stakes? Doctor. With pleasure. (Takes from pocket note-book and pencil.) Reg. I suggest we meet in this room. Mildred. No, indeed ! Who ever heard of anything so pro- saic? Doctor. How about the billiard-room upstairs? Mildred. That won't do at all. We should choose a place out-of doors. Kitty. The sumxmer-house. Mildred. That won't do, either. It's too near. Reg. Let's choose the upper end of the tennis court, by the gardener's old house. Mildred (clapping her hands). Good! That's just the place. Kitty. Whoever gets there first to-morrow wins. Doctor. Five pounds of Huyler's to a bottle of beer I beat you all. Theo. A dozen pairs of evening gloves to a cigarette that I beat you. Miss Mildred. Mildred. How perfectly lovely ! Thank you so much. I like the suede, you know. Five and three-quarters. Reg. But they are not won yet. Mildred. But I shall win. You needn't think for one minute that I intend to lose. A Regular Flirt <9 Theo. Aw — Kitty, I don't mind risking a pound of molasses taffy to a box of good cigars that I shall get there first, if you will kindly show me the way. Doctor (going up c). That's it, Theo. Be rash and be bold. Now, wait a minute, for I want to register a bet myself. Miss Mildred, are you willing? A bunch of violets as big as your head shall be yours if you outwit the old man. Theo. Hurrah for Foxy Grandpa ! Kitty. Mrs. Mason, will you race with me? Mrs. Mason. No, thank you. The early morning air does not agree with me. Doctor. Now that's too bad, for I was about to propose a match between us. Mrs. Mason (crossing r. c. Kjtty gives way, r.) Of course. Doctor, as you are a physician, I can take your advice, and so I shall be delighted to enter the contest. Positions. Dr. Morgan. Theo. Mrs. Mason. Mildred. Kitty. Reginald. Kitty. Aren't you going to race with me, too, uncle? Doctor. Certainly, my dear, certainly. What shall be the reward of the victor? Mildred. A lawn party. Oh ! Do say a lawn party, Kitty. Kitty. No, a dance. A great big dance, to be given two weeks from to-night. Doctor (smiling). But suppose I win? Kitty. Then I shall make you a beautiful shaving-ball. Mildred. Kitty, if you lose I shall never forgive you. [Doctor rings bell. Kitty. I suggest that no alarm-clocks be wound in the house to-night. ENTER Dick, r. Theo. Er — I say, Richards, wind mine in the garden. Doctor. Richards. Dick. Yes, sir. Doctor. You need ring no rising bell to-morrow. Dick. Yes, sir. Mrs. Mason. As we all expect to get up bright and early, I propose that we retire now. 20 A Regular Flitt Doctor. A wise suggestion. I second the motion. [Business, all say good-night to Doctor. Mildred drops handkerchief as she passes out. Dick picks up hand- kerchief and puts it into his pocket. Mrs. Mason turns as she reaches door and kisses her hand to\ Doctor. Dick holds back portiere for all to pass out. EXEUNT all, d. l., except Doctor. Doctor (u. c.) Now I wonder what she means by that. Poor, silly woman ! She is very kind and sympathetic, I must say. {Comes down c.) I shall take her into my confidence to-mor- row and tell her about my love for Mildred and ask her advice. ENTER Dick, d. l. Doctor (c). Here, Michael — Richards, or whatever you call yourself. Dick. Yes, sir. Doctor {walking r.). Why — er — I expect to wake up early to-morrow. I — er— always do. But — er — your room is directly over mine, you know. Dick. Yes, sir. Doctor. Well — er — when you get out of bed in the morning — er — if you will accidentally — quite accidentally, you know — just drop your boots down very heavily. {Walks to door, r.) I — er — don't mind if it does disturb me. You understand? Dick. Yes, sir. [EXIT Dr. MorCxAn, d. r. Dick extinguishes candle on desk and walks toward mantel. ENTER Reginald, d. l. Business, looking on Hoor and under chairs. Catches sight of Dick. Reg. That you, Richards? Miss Mildred dropped her hand- kerchief somewhere in this room. Help me look for it. Dick. Yes, sir. [Both look diligently in all sorts of impossible places. Reg. (l. c). It doesn't seem to be here. Er — I say, Richards. Dick (r. c). Yes, sir? Reg. You understand you are not to knock at my door to- morrow ? Dick. Yes, sir. Reg. Yes, yes; that's right. You are not by any means to knock. But — er — Richards. Dick. Yes, sir. A Regular Flirt 2J Reg. Ah ! you see, Miss Mildred made me give up my watch to her, and I shall have no way of telling the time. I shall wake up early enough. I always do, but — er — if you will just throw a handful of pebbles up at my window at — er — about five to-mor- row morning, why — er — (tips him) you won't be sorry. [EXIT Reginald^ d. l. Dick crosses to r. and extin- guishes all candles except one. ENTER Theo, r. Crosses to c. Theo. Aw — Richards, Miss Mildred dropped her handker- chief and I told her I'd find it for her, don't you know? You needn't put out that — aw — light just yet. {Walks l. c). Dick. No, sir. Theo. Did she — aw — leave it on this chair? {Looks on chair by desk.) Dick. No, sir. I didn't see it there. Theo (coming down r. c). Aw — Richards. Dick (crossing to l. c). Yes, sir. Theo. I always like to shave very early, and — aw — I wish you would bring the hot water to my door about five o'clock. (Tips Dick.) Dick (looks at tip amd turns up nose). Yes, sir. (Bows deeply.) 1 hank you, sir. Theo. Don't— aw — mention it. (Goes toward door, r., then stopping and turning.) Oh — aw — one thing more. Dick (l. c). Yes, sir. Theo. You needn't knock at the — aw — door, but when you bring the water, don't you know, why — aw — ^just rattle the knob vigorously until I answer. I — aw — don't want the water to get cold. [EXIT Theo, d. r. Dick takes remaining candle from mantel and comes dozvn c. He draws Marie's invi- tation from his pocket and reads it by light of candle, nodding his head. ENTER Mildred, l., looking over her left shoulder, and Kitty, r., looking over her right shoulder. Both girls carry lighted candles and advance to c, where they collide. Both scream. Dick starts and drops his candlestick. Picks it up and walks r. Kitty (r. c). Mildred! What on earth are you doing here? Mildred (l. c). Kitty! How you frightened me! I just wanted to speak to Richards. 22 A Regular Flkt Kitty. So did I. Mildred. Richards. Dick. Yes, Miss. Mildred (coming down R. c.) Er — that is — I — er — Richards Kitty (coining down and going l. c). Out with it, Mildred. You came to coax Richards to call you early to-morrow. I know you did. Mildred (r. c). I didn't at all. You ought to know^ me better, Kitty, than to accuse me of being so mean and underhand. I just came to coax Richards to turn back the hands of the boys' clocks so they will be slow to-morrow. Kitty. You old fraud ! And you are the girl who wouldn't condescend to anything mean or dishonorable? Mildred. Do you think that's mean? It isn't. It will just serve them right. Come, now, Kitty, or we shall never be able to get up to-morrow. Kitty. All right. You run on and I'll follow in a second. I want to speak to Richards a minute. Mildred. Well, don't be long. [EXIT Mildred, d. l. Kitty (l. c). Dick. Dick (r. c). Oh, Kitty, I don't believe I can stand it. To see those little cads flirting with Mildred right under my nose makes me perfectly furious. Kitty. Oh, they are harmless enough. But I do hate to have you miss all the fun. Dick. Funf Well, if you call that fun, you are welcome to it. But I'll tell you one thing, I shall get even with them yet. They shall sleep until the crack of doom for all I care, and I shall meet Mildred myself to-morrow morning early and have it out with her. The idea of her flirting with those little fools right before me ! Why, she actually let that blatant idiot Reginald squeeze her hand out there in the hall (pointing d. l.) for two whole minutes, and I had to grin and bear it. (Hands in pockets, scozvls.) Kitty (taking a step toward him). My dear Dick, I [Door opens r. Dick hastily crosses to l. Kitty gives way, crossing r. ENTER Mrs. Mason, l. to c. Mrs. Mason. Ah, Kitty — I may call you Kitty, may I not? I thought I heard voices. Giving Richards some orders? You A Regular Flirt 23 (coming down c.) are too young to be burdened with household affairs. You should let me attend to them for you. Kjtty {stiMy). Thank you, Mrs. Mason, but I have kept house for my uncle for many years, and never found it too great a care. Mrs. Mason {crosses r. c). Don't you think you should be in bed now, however? It is very late, and you should be get- ting your beauty sleep. Come. (Slips her arm through Kitty's.) Kitty (drawing her arm away). Very well. Don't forget to put out the hall light, Richards. Dick. I'll attend to it, Miss. [Mrs. Mason walks to door, r., then stands hack and lets Kitty pass out first. Mrs. Mason looks steadily at DiCK^ who turns and meets her gaze, then quickly looks away again. EXEUNT Kitty and Mrs. Ma- son, R. Dick (to c). The old cat! What's she prowling around here for, I'd like to know? (Yawns and goes u. c.) Dear me, but I'm tired. This day has been ten miles long. Well, out she goes. (Extinguishes candle.) CURTAIN. ACT XL SCENE. — The Doctor's garden. Potted plants here and there. Rustic bench down R. c. Well, with tin dipper hanging by its extreme R. Large tool-box fastened by a padlock, l. c, key in lock. Tzvo Hat stones near tool-box. A garden^ trowel to R. of box. A few pebbles scattered in front of' bench. Time, early morning. Lights up. ENTER Dick in ordinary morning suit, r. Dick (c). Hum! I used to think it was a soul-inspiring thing to watch the sun rise, but Great Scott ! Of all cold, forlorn, disagreeable, uncanny, uncomfortable hours of the day this is the worst. (Walks to bench, r.) Talk about the delights of nature, pshaw! (Sits on bench, r.) My feet are soaked through and I know I shall take cold. (Lifts up one foot and looks at the 24 A Regular Flirt sole.) If it were not for that interview with Mildred I shouldn't wait here. (Snee:ses and rises.) There, I knew it! ENTER Mildred, l. Mildred (starting). Why, Dick, what on earth are you doing here ? Dick (gloomily) . Looking for worms. Mildred. Going fishing? Dick. No, but I'm such an early bird I ought to find a lot. Mildred. I suppose you intend that for a joke. Dick (turns). I am in no humor for joking. Do you usually promenade at this unearthly hour? Mildred (sitting on tool-box). I fail to see what difference it can make to you when I take my constitutional. Dick. Oh, of course, if you are going to be huffy, I (Pauses.) Mildred. Well? Dick (sitting on bench, r.). I shall go. Mildred. Where? Dick. To the deuce. Mildred (rising). Oh, Dick! Dick. I suppose you thought I had gone. - Mildred (swinging her sunbonnet by the strings). You seem to imagine I have nothing to do but think about you. (Sits.) Dick. Not at all. I understand thoroughly that you are always busy with your favorite occupation. Mildred. And that is? Dick. Flirting. Mildred. Why, Dick Harding ! I never flirted in my life. I don't know how. Dick (rising). It's a pretty good imitation, then. (Turning r.) What you can find so amusing in those little cads I can't imagine ! Mildred. I must say you're a nice one to find fault with me. You of all others. Dick (facing Mildred). What do you mean? I never flirt. Mildred. Here you are, pretending to care for a girl, and (Pauses.) Dick. Why, Mildred, I never pretended to care for you ! Mildred (rising and zvalking excitedly up and dozvn l. c). That's right, deny it. I suppose you tell that girl in Boston that she's the only one ; and she, no doubt, believes you. Girls are such geese. (Stamps her foot.) Why, I even believed you my- self once. A Regular Flirt 25 Dick (in surprise). Mildred! How can you talk so? Mildred. Oh, of course, you'll deny that, too. I can't say Tm surprised. Nothing that you can say would surprise me now. (Goes up.) Dick (going toward her a step). See here, Mildred, there never was any girl but you. Mildred (pausing in her walk and facing him). Why did you go rushing off to Boston without even waiting to say good- bye? Dick (in amazement). I didn't. Mildred (in sarcastic tones). Indeed! Dr. Morgan doesn't usually indulge in prevarications. He leaves that sort of thing to his more competent nephew. (Bows deeply to Dick and walks l.) Dick (advancing c. to Mildred. She turns from him). Mil- dred, listen to me. Mildred (her hack toward him). I am listening. Go on. Dick. I wish I could explain the whole thing to you now. I hope to be able to do so soon. Mildred (tossing her head). You needn't trouble yourself. I don't find the subject particularly interesting. ^ (Down l.) Dick. Perhaps not, but anyway this is not what I came here to speak to you about. Mildred. It seems, then, that you came for the express pur- pose of meeting me? Dick. Yes, I did. I don't deny it. Mildred (smiling). Strange! And what little bird carried all the way to Boston the news that I was to be here? Dick (angrily). I tell you I wasn't in Boston. I have never been to Boston and I never expect to go to Boston. (Walks R. and down.) Mildred. You needn't get so mad about it. Dick (turning to Mildred). I'm not mad, but you won't let me get to the point. Mildred (impatiently) . For goodness sake, get there and stay there ! You've done nothing but scold me for the last hour. Dick. I'm not scolding you and we haven't been here five min- utes. Mildred. Well, it seems five years. (Turns and walks c.) Look here, who gave you permission to shave off your beard? Dick. That is neither here nor there. Mildred (laughing). It certainly isn't there (pointing to DiCK^s face), and I don't want it here (rubbing her chin). You look like a freak. Dick. Thank you. (Bows stiffly.) Mildred (looking at him closely). Dick. 26 A Regular Flirt Dick. Yes? Mildred. Button your coat. (Dick fastens a couple of but- tons of his jacket.) No, not like that — all the way. Dick (fastening jacket). Why? Mildred. Because. (Takes a step back to l.) Dick, you wicked, wicked boy! (Shakes finger at him.) So you thought you could fool me, did you? Dick. Er — er — what do you mean? I — I — don't understand you. Mildred. Oh, yes, you do. You understand me perfectly. You — Richards. Dick. Well, you see, Mildred, it was this way. (Walks c.) The governor and I had a falling out and — oh, it's too long a story to tell now, but I didn't want to leave home just at present, so I stepped into Michael's boots. They don't fit, either, I'm sorry to say. Mildred (advancing c). Then you didn't go to Boston at all? Dick (putting his arm around her). Of course I didn't go to Boston. Mildred (disengages herself and walks back to l.) And you were here all the time last evening? Dick (turns r. and walks r. c). Yes, and that brings me to the point at last. (Facing Mildred.) I want to know what you meant by flirting so outrageously last night. Mildred. And I want to know who gave you permission to lecture me. (Walks l.) Dick (advancing c). I wish you to understand, once for all, that I shall not permit you to accept presents from any man. Mildred. How are you going to prevent it? Dick. No self-respecting girl would do such a thing. You are engaged to me, and Mildred. Were, you should say. Dick (l.). Why — why, Mildred, surely you don't mean to throw me over? Mildred. Yes, I do. I am tired of being scolded and treated like a naughty child. You are selfish, jealous, and cruel, and — here's your old ring. (Takes ring from Unger, turns back on Dick and holds ring out.) Dick (zvalking to r. c). I refuse to accept it. Mildred. And I refuse to keep it. What do you wish done with it. Dick. I'll be hanged if I care ! Throw it down the well (pointing r.) if you don't want it; but you needn't think you can get rid of me so easily. Mildred. Dick, how horrid you are! A Regular Flirt 27 Dick (walking l.). Here, give it to me. (Takes ring from Mildred and walks c.) Once more, do you want it? (Holds out ring to Mildred.) Mildred. No-o-o. Dick. Well, here she goes. (Throws ring down well and goes R. Mildred screams and clasps hands.) Mildred (half -crying). Dick Harding, I think you are the meanest man I know. I shall never (stamp), never (stamp), never (stamp) speak to you again. I — I — hate you ! I wish you would go to Boston and never come back. My pretty, pretty ring! (Covers her face with her hands.) Dick (advancing l. to Mildred). Mildred, please forgive me. I didn't know you really cared. I'll get you another, if you will only stop crying. (Loud cough is heard.) Great Scott (looking r.). Mildred, I hear some one coming. If it should be uncle I shall be in a pretty fix. (Goes up r. and looks about desperately.) Where in thunder shall I go? Mildred (lifting lid of tool-box). Here, get into the tool-box. Leave the lid open a little way for air. [Dick crosses to tool-box and hastily jumps in. Mil- dred stands in front of it, nervously twisting her bonnet strings. ENTER Kitty hastily, r. to c, and Theo runs in, l. to c. Kitty (breathlessly fanning herself with her hat). I beat. Theo (taking oif Panama hat, wiping his forehead, and fan- ning himself with handkerchief). Oh, Kitty! I was a whole yard ahead of you. Kitty. Why, Theo Morgan! (To Mildred.) Mildred, didn't I get here first? [Crosses l. and prepares to seat herself on tool-box. Theo crosses to r. Mildred (pushing Kitty back). Don't. You — you mustn't sit there. Kitty (back to c, looks at box). Gracious, how you startled me! Has it just been painted? Theo. Whew ! I'm all out of breath. Mildred (looking at box and speaking sadly). I am so afraid he will smother. Kitty (seating herself up c.) I don't see why he should. I ran as fast as he did. Theo. Then how do you — aw — account for my getting here first? 28 A Regular Flirt Kitty. You didn't. We were about even. I ran the faster, but you took the longest steps. Mildred (shaking her head). Fm afraid he will die! Kitty. Don't you worry about him, Mildred, for he's a pretty healthy specimen. Theo. My, but I'm thirsty. (Turns r.) Kitty. So am I. Theo (going to well, r.). Here's a dipper. (Looks into dip- per.) Mildred (absently looking at box). I hope it has some air- holes in it. Theo. Aw — what an unkind wish ! I sincerely hope it hasn't. (Looks down well.) Kitty. You won't find any water in that old well. It's as dry as a bone. Theo (turning from well). So am I, Kitty. It seems to me there should be a spring somewhere around here. (Looks r. and L.) Theo. Right you are ! I — aw — remember that old spring. Let's see if we can find it! (Goes to Kitty^s side.) Kitty (rising and holding out left hand). Come, Mildred. Mildred. No, I think I shall -yvait here. Theo. Miss Mildred is going to stand her ground. Very well, if — aw — any one comes before we get back just tell them that you saw us. [EXEUNT Kitty and Theo, r. Mildred goes up c. and watches them out of sight, then rushes u. l. c. to tool-box and kneels beside it. Mildred (in agonized whisper). Dick! Dick! Oh, Dick, you're not dead, are you? (Starts back and looks off l.) I do believe he has fainted. Good gracious, here comes some one ! (Rises and steps back to u. c.) ENTER Reginald, l. Reg. (coming c). Ah, Miss Mildred, so you are here first? I really thought I was up early. (Pauses and looks anx- iously at Mildred.) What's the matter? You look rather pale. Mildred. Mr. Reginald, will you get me a drink of water? I am so thirsty. (Goes toward tool-box. Reginald walks down r. c. a loud sneeze is heard from Dick.) Thank goodness, he's alive ! Reg. Certainly. Why, what a peculiar noise! Mildred (nervously) . It — it was only I. I — I have a severe cold. Achoo ! (Forces sneeze.) A Regular Flirt 29 Reg. I'm so sorry! How did you catch it? Mildred. In the tool-box. I — I mean I take cold very easily. ENTER Kitty and Theo r., and stop u. c. He carries a dipper- fid of water. Kitty. We thought you might be thirsty, so we brought some water for you. Reg. I am so glad you did, for Miss Mildred is ready to ex- pire. [Theo gives dipper to Mildred, then takes out handker- chief and Hecks water oif his shoes. Mildred tries to swallow a few mouthfuls of water. A loud groan is heard, L. All start. Mildred drops dipper. Kitty. Did you ever ! What was that ? Reg. {taking a step hack). I thought I heard a noise a few minutes ago, but Miss Mildred declared I was mistaken. Theo {trembling) . May — maybe something has gotten into the tool-box? Let's — aw — let's investigate. {Puts monocle to his eye and starts forward timidly.) Mildred {placing herself between Theo and box). No! no! no! It came from that direction {Points R.) Kitty. Why, what nonsense, Mildred ! It came from that direction. {Points toward tool-box. Another and louder groan is heard. All start. Reginald hides behind well.) Ah! There it is again. Theo {theatrically). 'Tis treason! The foe is at hand. {Shoulders dipper.) Arm yourselves, fellow-citizens. {An- other groan is heard. Theo staggers back, then rushes forward, springs lightly upon tool-box and looks behind it.) Well, I never ! If there isn't Uncle Theo ! Kitty, The idea! I wonder if he has been there all night? [Theo gets off of box. Doctor {sitting up and looking at the others from over the box, rubbing his eyes). Where in the name of mischief am I? Reg. Good morning, uncle. Doctor {rising). You young people think yourselves remark- ably clever, but you see I have beaten you all. I was here first. Positions. Kitty. Theo Doctor. Reginald. Mildred. Kitty. I suppose you were up all night? 30 A Regular Flirt Doctor (coming around upper end of box to c). Not at all. I simply strolled out in this direction about four o'clock. While waiting for you, Miss Lazybones {bowing to Mildred) I took a little nap. Mildred. Now, Dr. Morgan, you surely don't call this fair? You've been sweetly sleeping for the past hour. This was to be a test of early awakening, and your eyes are not fairly opened yet. Doctor. I beg your pardon, my fair foe, this was a contest of early rising. I was certainly up before any one of you. All. Oh, Uncle Theodore ! Doctor {smiling). I see I shall have to yield to the decision of the majority. {Catches sight of trowel near box.) That wretch Williams gets more careless every day. {Goes to tool- box and raises lid an inch or two. Mildred gasps and clasps her hands.) I thought so — the tool-box unlocked. {Drops lid, locks box and hides key under stone close to box. Mildred covers her eyes with her hands.) There, that will give him a scare. He will never think of looking under that stone for the key. {Goes back to c.) Kitty. Williams has one of the dearest little puppies you ever saw. Come and I'll get him to show it to you. Theo. What are you thinking of, Miss Mildred? You look annoyed. Kitty. She is trying to solve some such problem as this: If one girl can dispose of one pound of Huyler's in two hours, how many times will ten pounds go into one, two, three, four, five people. {Points to each in turn as she counts. All laugh but Mil- dred. ) And I have won my dance ! Isn't it lovely ! Two weeks from to-night. I shall have my new gown by then. Uncle, you are an angel ! {Advances to R. of Doctor and embraces him.) Reg. Miss Mildred, remember you promised me the first dance. Mildred {looking toward tool-box). Why, Dr. Morgan, I never did any such thing! Reg. But you are going to. I can see it in your eyes. They are always dancing. Doctor {to Kitty). I thought you were coming to see the puppy. Theo. So we are. Come, Miss Mildred — aw — lead the way. Mildred {still looking anxiously at tool-box). No, no. I think I won't go. {Sighs.) I'm very tired. Besides I have lost something and I want to look for it. {Looks about nervously.) Reg. Why didn't you say so before? We shall all help you. [Business, looking about. A Regular Flirt 3 J Mildred (sitting on tool-box). No, you all go on, and I shall join you in a few minutes. Theo (seating himself beside her). Yes, you all go on. (Waves hand to others.) We — aw — shall follow presently. Mildred (rising). I see I shall have to yield. (Sighs. Busi- ness, looking at box.) Well (calls back over her shoulder as she walks R.), we won't be gone long. (Sighs.) Oh, dear! [EXEUNT Mildred, Theo, Kitty, Reginald and Dr. Morgan, r. ENTER Mrs Mason, l., followed by Marie. The latter carries Mrs. Mason's sunshade, her shawl and a small camp- stool. Mrs. Mason looks around, then walks R. and seat^ herself. Mrs. Mason. We seem to be the only ones here. Ah, Marie, you should have been in the library last night to have heard the Doctor's words when he begged me to enter the early-rising con- test. (Speaks slowly and impressively.) "Mrs. Mason," he said *T propose a match between us." Now if that isn't pointed, I should like to know what is. Marie (u. c). Indeed, Madam, any one with two eyes could see that he your lover ees. Mrs. Mason. Marie, you are a jewel ! You shall have my pink satin w^aist to wear to the ball to-night. Marie (curtsies). Thank you, Madam. And I heard him tell Mees Keety last night that you wert a wonderful woman. Mrs. Mason (smiling and rolling her eyes). You shall have a lace collar to wear with the waist. (Lowers her voice.) What did Miss Kitty say ? Marie. Mees Keety, she say you were wonderfully clever to hide your age so well. Mrs. Mason (scowling). I'll just thank that interfering Kitty to hold her tongue. I was always an attractive girl (tossing her head and touching her hair), and I haven't lost my charm yet. Mr. Theodore Morgan regarded me with most admiring eyes, and I'm sure Mr. Reginald would have asked me to race with him if that Mildred had not monopolized all his time. She is the most impertinent girl I ever saw, and w^hen L am mistress of the Doc- tor's house she shall never darken its doors. Marie. Mees Keety seems a nice young lady. Mrs. Mason. That's because she's so shy. She's a deceitful piece, and I shall open the dear Doctor's eyes to her conduct. (Looks off l.) Ah, there he comes. Marie, you may discreetly retire. [EXIT Marie, r. 32 A Regular Flirt ENTER Dr. Morgan, l. Mrs. Mason. Ah, Doctor, you see I have gotten ahead of you for once. I have been here for at least half an hour. Doctor (c). Indeed, Mrs. Mason, so long? The others are all looking for the gardener's puppy. Don't you want to see it? Mrs. Mason. Do you mean to say that I am not the first to reach here? Doctor. My dear Mrs. Mason, surely you don't call this early ? Why, the race was won long ago ! Mrs. Mason. And I have lost? Never mind! I am sure it is delightful here, just you and I alone communing with Nature. Don't you adore Nature, Doctor? (Leans forward.) I do. See those drifting clouds (pointing to ceiling). Don't you wish you could rest upon them and be wafted away and away? Doctor (puts on glasses, looks up and starts). By Jingo! They look like rain. There will be a storm before night. Mrs. Mason. And the lace-work of the leaves. Doctor (looking l.). The caterpillars after them again, eh? I must speak to Williams. Mrs. Mason (sighing). And the beautiful birds; the thrushes and the larks. Doctor. Sparrows, Madam ; nothing but sparrows. Mrs. Mason. Ah, Doctor, I fear you are not sentimental. Doctor. No, Mrs. Mason, sentiment is not my style; but I am fond of the country. Mrs. Mason. So am I. I love it! I adore it! I always thought I should be perfectly happy to live in Nature's lap, so to speak. To listen to the nightingale's song and watch the dear little silk-worms spin (looking down) and (rising with a scream) horrors ! what's that nasty, horrid, creepy thing ? Take it away ! (Steps back.) Take it away ! (Shudders.) Doctor (advancing r. and looking on the ground). My dear Mrs. Mason, don't be alarmed ! It's only a beetle. (Stoops, and picking up smdll pebble, tosses it over his shoulder.) There! I have sent him flying. Mrs. Mason (resuming her seat). What was I saying? Oh, yes ! How I loved the country. Its calm repose is balm to my poor nerves. It satisfies the soul's hunger. Doctor (anxiously). Are you hungry, Mrs. Mason? (Walks R.) Let me call Richards. I told him to serve breakfast out here, and I don't understand why he doesn't do so. Mrs. Mason (raising her hand). No, no, don't go. I was only referring to the soul-hnngtv — the craving that lies deeply hidden in every human heart for — for — you know what I mean, A Regulat Flirt 33 Doctor, don't you? (Clasps her hands and Isans forward, look- ing tenderly into the Doctor'^ face.) Doctor (c). Not exactly. {Face lights up.) Yes, I do, too. You are homesick. Mrs. Mason {wiping her eye delicately with one corner of her handkerchief). Alas, no! What can the word ''home'' mean to one alone in the world as I am? (Sighs.) Doctor. I— I beg pardon for my thoughtlessness. Mrs. Mason (extending her arms). Ah, Doctor, you under- stand. Yon can appreciate the feelings of the widow. Doctor (swinging his glasses and turning l.). But I have never been a widow. Mrs. Mason (dropping her arms and lowering her voice). But you, too, are alone. Doctor (cheerfully) . I have Kitty. Mrs. Mason (smiling). That is true; but how can a young girl like Kitty sympathize with a man of your — of your Doctor. Age ? Mrs. Mason. Position. Age, indeed ! One would think you were Methusaleh himself. Doctor. How about these? (Points to gray hairs.) I fear they are telltales. Mrs. Mason. Nonsense ! Why, lots of men turn gray at thirty, and bald, too. Doctor. You certainly are consoling. You make it so easy for me to — to consult you, you know. Mrs. Mason (eagerly). Yes? Doctor. I want to ask your advice about something. (Starts toward her. Mrs. Mason makes room for him on the bench be- side her.) I don't suppose I should (hesitates, and then seats himself), but Kitty is hardly more than a child, and I feel as if I need the help of a wiser, older head. Mrs. Mason. I should be only too delighted. Doctor (rising, twists his hat awkwardly, looks at his boots, clears his throat and smiles inanely). I — I hardly know how to say it, but — but — well, the fact of the matter is, I'm in love. Mrs. Mason (smiling rapturously). Oh, Dr. Morgan! Doctor (seating himself beside Mrs. Mason again). Now, here's where I want your advice. Do you think I'm too old? Mrs. Mason (leaning against his arm). Oh, Dr. Morgan, this is so sudden ! Doctor. I don't wonder that you are surprised. I was myself at first. It quite took my breath away. (Rises.) Let me leave you to think it over a bit. The more you think about it the more accustomed 3'^ou get to the idea, you know. 34 ' A RcgiiUt Flift Mrs. Mason (placing her hand on his arm and drawing him down). No, no, don't go. To tell you the truth, I — I was more or less prepared for this. Doctor (in surprise). By Jupiter! Were you? Well, I wasn't. I was never more surprised in my life. I can assure you, my dear Mrs. Mason. Mrs. Mason (laying her head on his shoulder). Won't you call me — Dolly? Doctor (drawing hack in surprise). Dolly! Mrs. Mason (smiling up in his face). Ah, how sweet it sounds from your lips! And I may call you Theodore, may I not? But no, that is too stiff and formal. I know, I shall call you — Dora. Doctor (jumping up). Dora! [A loud laugh is heard from Dick in the tool-box. Mrs. Mason. Good gracious ! What was that ? Doctor (going c). I shall investigate. Mrs. Mason (clinging to his arm). You mustn't! You will be killed. Don't leave me ; don't, or I shall faint. Doctor. My dear Mrs. Mason Mrs. Mason. Dolly, you mean. Doctor. I must find out where that noise came from. (Starts toward tool-box.) Mrs. Mason (holding him back). If you leave me I shall die. I beg, I implore you. Doctor. Let me call some one. (Starts d. r.) Mrs. Mason. Take — take me with you. Doctor (crossly). Well, come, then. [EXIT Doctor, r., with Mrs. Mason clinging to his arm, half -fainting. ENTER Marie, r. Marie (coming down r.). Ah, I thought I heard madam to call. Dick (in tool-box). Marie! Marie! Marie (starting and looking R.). Ciel ! What is that? Dick (louder). Marie, it is I, Dick — I mean Richards. Marie (clasping her hands and looking up). It must be a ghost. Dick. Marie, don't be frightened ! Listen ! I am in the tool- box. I got locked in by accident. Are you alone? Marie (turning l. and looking at box). Yes, but ' Dick. Then before any one comes take the key from under that flat stone in front of this confounded box and let me out. A Regular Flirt 35 Marie (looking about wildly). I cannot find it. I am so frightened ! Dick (crossly). Don't be stupid! The key is under the stone. Marie (lifting stone and taking up key). Ah! I have it. Dick. Quick! Unlock the box. Marie (trying to unfasten the lock and half -sobbing). I — I cannot it turn. (Looks over her shoulder.) Some one is com- ing. Dick (anxiously). Try again. Try hard. [Marie makes one final effort. Turns the key and throzvs back lid of box. Then jumps back to C. Dick springs out of box. His collar is unfastened and his hat is crushed. Dick (brushing himself). At last! Of all rusty, dusty, musty places that is the worst ! I should have smothered long ago but for that hole in the back. Mildred certainly was cruel to leave me in the lurch like this. (Locks box and hides key under stone.) Well, I must not be caught here. Good-by, Marie. You mustn't tell any one of this little episode. Do you under- stand ? Marie (smiling at Dick). Ah, yes! It is one leetle secret. Dick. Yes, it is a secret, and it is my secret. If you tell a word of it to a single soul I — I — well, I won't go to the ball with you to-night. [EXIT Dick, r. Marie (following a few steps after him). 1 won't, I won't. I promise you. ENTER Mildred l. She rushes hastily past Marie and kneels beside tool-box. Mildred (in agonizing tones). Dick! Oh, Dick, answer me! It is I — Mildred. I have tried so hard to come back, but 1 could not get away until now. (Turns over stone.) The key! Where is the key? Dr. Morgan put it here. I saw him. (Bends over box). Dick, just wait one little minute and you will be free. He's fainted ! I know he has fainted. Marie (stepping to c). What is the matter, Miss Mildred? Did you something lose? Mildred (impatiently). Yes, Marie, a key. A little iron key. Marie (going to r. of Mildred, pushing one of the stones aside with her foot, stooping and picking up key). Is this it? Mildred (snatching key from Marie and putting it in lock). Yes, yes! Oh, Marie, suppose he is dead! Oh, I can't get it open! (Twisting key in lock.) The lock is caught! It is broken ! He will die ! I know he will ! Oh, Dick ! Dick ! (She 36 A Regular Flirt succeeds in unlocking the box. Throws hack lid hastily.) Dick! {Looks into box and then turns slozvly, gasping in amazement,) Why — why, he's gone ! Marie {looking at her in surprise) . Who? Mildred {wiping her eyes, half laughing and half crying). Who? Why, nobody. Of course not! I — I was just silly. One minute. {She presses her hands to her head.) Marie. Marie. Yes, Mees. Mildred {advancing c). Tell me the truth, Marie, and Fll give you anything you want. Marie {meekly). Yes, Mees Mildred. Mildred. Have you been here long? Marie. Not very long. Mildred. Did you see a man here a little while ago? Marie {nodding). Yes, Mees. Mildred {anxiously). Who was it? Marie. Dr. Morgan. Mildred {impatiently). I don't mean him. I mean — how shall I describe him? Why, you know — Richards. Have you seen him? Marie {shaking her head). No, Mees Mildred. Mildred. Marie, who opened that box? {Points L.) Marie {smiling blandly). You did. Mildred. But I mean before I touched it. Who took the key from under that stone and undid the lock? Marie {shrugging her shoulders). I don't know. Mildred {sharply). Did you see any one get out of the tool- box? Marie. No, Mees. Mildred. Sure ? Marie. Sure. Mildred {sighing). Well, he certainly got out somehow, for he couldn't have melted away. Never mind, Marie, I see you know nothing. It is not very important, anyway. I thought there was something in the box that I v/anted, but {raising the lid and letting it fall again) there isn't. That's all. I must have been dreaming. {Listens intently.) I hear the others com- ing. I — I must brace up. You needn't say anything about my being here. Marie. Yes, Mees — I mean, no, Mees. Mildred. And, Marie, if you should see Richards tell him that Dr. Morgan wants him to serve breakfast out here. [EXIT Mildred, r. Marie watches her out of sight, then stamps her foot. Marie. Mees Mildred loves Reechard. She shall not have A Regular Flirt 37 heem. She ees one beeg peeg ! If she does not let heem alone I will make it some warm for her. [EXIT Marie, l. ENTER Dr. Morgan and Theo, r. Doctor (advancing c). Well, my boy, you say you wish to speak to me alone. Now is your opportunity. Is anything wrong ? Theo (crossing to l.). I'm afraid there is, sir. I feel very anxious about my health. Doctor (looking at Theo ovei' his glasses). You don't mean it ! Come to my office this evening. Theo. I can't come to-night very well. Miss — aw — Mildred has promised to go rowing with me. Doctor (smiling). Then come to-morrow^ morning at eleven. Theo (swinging his cane). I'm awfully sorry, but Miss Mil- dred wants me to — aw — play golf with her then. Doctor (frowning) . Suppose we say to-morrow night? Theo. Really, uncle, it's too bad, but we are all going sailing and I — aw — promised to teach Mildred how to steer. Can't you prescribe for me here? I'll tell you all my symptoms. (Scats himself on tool-box, crossing his knees.) Doctor (sitting on bench r. and lighting a cigar). I know we shall be interrupted, but let's hear them. Theo (swinging one foot). In the first place, I've lost my appetite. I — ^^aw^ — couldn't eat a mouthful of, breakfast, and I'm not hungry now. Then I hardly slept a wink last night. I laid awake and tossed about until nearly daybreak. A thing I never did in all my life before, don't you know ? Doctor. Perhaps you were nervous and afraid of over-sleep- ing. Theo. Fm sure it wasn't that. I — aw^ — haven't a nervous tem- perament. I simply got thinking about Miss Mildred. I — aw — mean about lots of things, until I got wider and wider awake. Doctor. Why didn't you try not thinking about her — I mean them? Theo. I did, but the more I determined not to do so the more she — I mean they — would pop up in my mind. She's an awfully jolly girl, isn't she, uncle? Doctor (looking at his cigar). Any other symptom? Theo. Yes. There's my heart itself. It cuts up all sorts of capers. At times it beats so rapidly it fairly takes my breath away. Doctor. Let m.e listen to it. (Rises, and going to Theo, places his ear on Theo's chest.) That's a pretty healthy beat! Theo. Oh, it's all right now, but you should have heard it 38 A Regular Flirt a few minutes ago, when I was talking to Miss Mildred. Why, it kept up a regular tattoo ! Then when she left us for a second, it seemed to stop beating and sank down, down, down, until I thought it would come out of the heels of my boots. I — aw — never knew I had a heart before, but ever since I came into your library last night it hasn't given me a minute's peace. Doctor. Does it seem to expand one minute with rapturous joy and the next feel as heavy as lead? Theo {waving his cane). That's it! That's just the way I feel! Doctor. Are you happy, sad, elated and depressed all in the course of a second? Theo. Yes, yes. You describe my sensations exactly. Now what shall I take to cure me? Doctor (shaking his head). My dear boy, I fear your case is a serious one. Theo (anxiously). But, uncle, won't you prescribe for me? Doctor. No medicine I might order would do you a particle of good. For your disease there is no remedy. Theo. Then it can't be the grippe? Doctor (smiling). You are suffering from a far more ancient ailment. Theo. Then it can't be appendicitis, for that, too, is a com- paratively modern complaint. Doctor. No, it isn't appendicitis or peritonitis, or any other -itis. Theo. You — you alarm me terribly. Do — do you think I'd stand any chance if I — went away — say to — aw — Colorado? Doctor. You might travel from "Greenland's icy mountains to India's coral strands," but everywhere would the demon of un- rest follow you. My boy, you have fallen a victim to Cupid's poisoned arrows. Theo (in disgust). Pshaw! You only mean I'm in love. Doctor. Only in love ! Theo, when you reach my age you will not speak so flippantl3^ Theo. Oh, what a scare you gave me! I thought you were going to tell me that my heart was all played out. Doctor. And when I tell you far worse news you scoff. Why, boy, your heart is completely gone, and the best thing you can do is to get one in exchange as soon as possible. Theo. Thanks, but I haven't known her long enough. She'd — aw — think me crazy. Doctor (smiling). No girl thinks a man crazy when he tells her he loves her. Take my advice and waste no more time. Where is Reginald? I want to see him. A Regular Flirt 39 Theo (crossly). I don't know, and I don't care. Doctor (raising his eyebrozvs). Why, what's the matter? Have you and Reginald quarrelled? Theo (tapping his foot with cane). Of course not; but Regi- nald is such a blooming jay he makes me — aw — tired. Doctor (in surprise). Reginald a jay? Theo (angrily). Yes. He hasn't the sense to know when he isn't wanted. All the time I was talking to Miss Mildred he kept sticking in his oar. Who wants his opinions? Nobody. Hasn't he brains enough to clear out when he sees a man talking to a pretty girl? ENTER Reginald, r. Positions. Reginald. Doctor. Theo. Reginald. Hello, Theo! That you? I thought you were with Miss Mildred. Theo. The deuce you did ! I suppose that's why yon — aw — came toddling after me. Reg. By thunder ! What do you mean.? Theo (lightly). Oh, nothing, nothing. Before I'd poke my nose where it wasn't wanted I'd see myself in Halifax. Reg. (bitterly). I suppose you refer to my interrupting your conversation a moment ago, but you evidently don't know my reasons for so doing. ' Theo. Reasons ? Rot ! You are so — aw — everlastingly con- ceited that you fancy nobody sees through your precious motives, but let me tell you, my fine sir, I'm not such an ass as you take me for. Reg. You remind me of a verse I heard the other day. It ran something like this: "How he loves its gentle gurgle! How he loves its fluent flow ! How he loves to wind his mouth up ! How he loves to let it go!" Doctor (rising). That's pretty severe, Reginald. Reg. He deserves it, uncle. I have offered to explain, but he won't shut up long enough to let me. [EXIT Doctor, l. Theo. Oh, I don't mind his jabber. Reg. Are you not aware that Miss Mildred asked me to meet 40 A Regular Flirt her in front of the gardener's cottage? The fact that you were forcing your society upon her would certainly not interfere with my keeping my appointments. Your presence didn't disturb me in the least. I simply overlooked such a trifle. Theo (angrily). That's not true and you know it. I don't believe she ever promised to meet you. Reg. Your believing it or not doesn't alter the facts. Miss Mildred is too polite to let you know how welcome any interrup- tion would be to a tete-a-tete with you. Theo. You think you're awfully smart. It's a good thing you don't know Miss Mildred's opinion of you. Reg. {drawing a long suede glove from his pocket). Perhaps you recognize this glove. She gave it to me not long ago for a little souvenir. {Holds glove aloft and regards it tenderly.) Theo. Pshaw ! I can match you. {Draws long snede glove from his pocket and holds it up.) There's the mate. {Puts glove in his pocket.) Reg. {putting glove into his pocket.) She has promised to go sailing with me this afternoon. Theo. I hope she won't get wet and take cold, for we are go- ing to play golf to-morrow. Reg. {doubling up with laughter). Golf, eh! Golf! You? Golf! Excuse me, but — ha! ha! ha! You! Golf! It's too much ! Theo {scornfully) . You seem to be vastly amused. Reg. {clapping his knees). I am. Golf! Golf! You! By Jupiter, that's rich. I haven't had such a good laugh for an age. Take my advice and practice by yourself first. Why, I don't believe you know a brassie from a lofter ! Theo. I know you have brass enough to make a good-sized tea-kettle. I understand golf as well as you do chess, and you actually promised to play with Mildred. {Laughs.) You! Chess ! Why, you don't know a pawn from a pill. Ha ! ha ! ha ! You — chess ! Poor girl ! I certainly do feel sorry for her. ENTER Mildred, r., leading a small dog. Mildred {down c). Whom do you feel sorry for? Theo ) P C {springing to meet her). For you. Mildred {looking from one to the other). And why do I need so much sympathy? Theo {at Mildred's left). Reginald says he is going to play chess with you. He has never played a game in his life, you know. A Regular Flirt 4J Reg. {at Mildred's right). If you play golf with Theo, Miss Mildred, I advise you to wear a mask. Theo. If you go sailing with Reginald, you had better make your will first. Reg. But you probably won't go, for Theo says he expects to take you rowing. Better get your life insured. Mildred. See here, I have no desire to find a watery grave just yet. I'd rather sit in the hammock and let you read to me. Theo. Thanks, awfully ! Reginald has a bad cold, but I have a jolly little book that you'd like, I know. Mildred {smiling at Theo). So good of you. Reginald can help me unravel my silk while you read aloud. It is in a ter- rible snarl. {Stoops and pats dog.) Oh, you dear, darling little puppy ! Reg. It's a perfect shame, Miss Mildred, to waste so much affection on a dog. Now we poor men would be unspeakably happy if you would only address us in such endearing terms. Mildred {smiling at Reginald). Would you really like it? Reg. Just try me and see. Mildred. Very well. You dear, darling little puppy, will you give me that book? Theo {laughing heartily). Good! good! That was fine! Pup- py! Puppy! {Points to Reginald with his cane.) So appro- priate, you know ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! ENTER Dick and Marie, r., carrying set table, which they place c. Dick brings in camp-stools and advances r. c. Dick. Breakfast is served. Mildred {extending her hand to Reginald, who clasps and holds it). Please forgive me. I was only teasing. Dick {angrily). Breakfast is served. Reg. {scowling). Didn't you hear Richards say breakfast was served ? Mildred {drawing her hand away). How lovely! I am sim- ply starving. It is delightful to breakfast out here where it is so picturesque. [They all approach table. Theo. May I sit beside you. Miss Mildred ? Mildred. Yes, indeed! I was just about to suggest your do- ing so. Richards, call the others. They are around somewhere. [Richards walks R, 42 A Regular Flirt ENTER Kitty and Dr. Morgan, with Mrs. Mason clinging to his arm, R. Positions. Mrs. Mason. Dr. Morgan. Reginald. Theo. Kitty. Mildred. Table. Doctor (looking around and smiling). Now, isn't this jolly? [Dick and Marie wait upon the table. Reginald and Theo both pass cups to Mildred and the dishes meet with a crash before her. Theo (an^ri/j; To Reginald). Clumsy! Why in thunder don't you look what you're doing? Reg. It was all your fault. You're so confoundedly officious. Doctor. Gently, boys, gently. There's enough for all. Mrs. Mason {to Doctor). Dora, dear, will you give me a fork? Theo {aside to Kitty). Who the mischief is ''Dora, dearf Reg. {to Theo). She means you. That's your name. Theo {angrily). It is not. Mrs. Mason {placing her hand on the Doctor's arm), Dora, dear, will you give me a fork? Reg. Are you speaking to Theo, Mrs. Mason? Mrs. Mason. Of course not ! I was speaking to my dear Doc- tor. {Looks at Kitty's astonished face.) I suppose you are a little surprised to hear this, but it slipped out. We shall have to tell them the rest now, won't we, Dora, dear? {Smiles sweetly at Doctor, who jumps every time she says Dora.) Doctor {much flustered) . Eh? Ah! What? Are you speak- ing to me, Mrs. Mason? Mrs. Mason {tapping Doctor playfully on the arm). Dolly, dear. Don't you remember I gave you permission to call me Dolly? Doctor {rising). Eh? Why — er — yes. I — I believe you did say something about it. Ah! {Puts hand into pocket.) I must get my cigars. Mrs. Mason {drawng him down into his chair). Send Rich- ards, Dora, dear. He can find them, I know. I want you to help me tell these young people our little secret. Doctor {rising). Richards doesn't know where they are kept. I must go myself. Mrs. Mason {rising). Then I shall go, too. I shall not let A Regular Flirt 43 my dear, precious Dora take that long walk all by himself with no little Dolly to keep him company. Doctor {taking cigar-case from pocket). Ah! I find I have one here. I need not go, after all. {Seats himself.) Mrs. Mason {sitting beside him and looking fondly up into his eyes). Shall we tell them now, Dora, dear, or shall we wait? Doctor. Haven't you made a little mistake, Mrs. Mason? I think you must have misunderstood me. [Kitty, Mildred, Reginald and Theo^ business, eating and looking in surprise at Doctor. Mrs. Mason {sadly). Ah, I see! You are provoked with me because I let it slip. Doctor. No, it wasn't exactly that. Mrs. Mason {wiping her eyes). I'm so glad that you are not angry with your poor little Dolly. Doctor {springing up). I shall have to go for those cigars. Mrs. Mason. I thought you said you had them. Doctor. Yes, but these are the wrong ones. Besides I want a match. (Dick gives Doctor match, which he throws away.) I mean my pipe. Yes, that's it. I want my pipe. Mrs. Mason {rising and slipping her arm through his). You must let me go with you. I am sure you don't feel well. Your face is flushed and you seem feverish. Come. Doctor {looking from Mrs. Mason to the group about the table). But — but I don't want to take you away. Mrs. Mason {smiling at him). Why, Dora, dear, you know I shall be only too happy to help you. [EXEUNT Doctor and Mrs. Mason, r. The others watch them, and then all laugh. EXIT Marie lead- ing dog, R., and Dick, l. Kitty {pointing after Doctor with bit of celery). What in the world do you suppose that means? Reg. {putting dozvn his tea-cup). I should say that ''Dora, dear," was going it pretty strong! ^^ Theo. Did you ever see any one look so utterly miserable as "Dora, dear?'' Do you suppose we should congratulate them? Kitty {throwing dozvn her napkin). She is a mean, horrid, vulgar, designing old cat ! I don't believe he ever proposed to her. Theo. She has evidently made up her mind to — aw — become our auntie. Kitty. She shan't ! I shall never call her aunt, anyway. Mildred {looking from Theo to Reginald). See here, you boys should do something to help your poor uncle. It's a per- fect shame ! 44 A Regular Flirt Reg. What can we do ? The old lady is undeniably clever, and has cut her cards very neatly. Mildred (contemptuously). Pshaw! Three great, big, strong men perfectly powerless before one silly woman. I'm ashamed of you ! Theo. Do you really care, Miss Mildred? Mildred. Of course I do ! I love the dear old Doctor, and hate to see him so wretched. Theo (proudly). That's enough! Your wish is my law. I shall make it my business to see that he is set free. Mildred (extending her hand to Theo). You are an angel! Reg. He's a presuming idiot, you mean 1 How can a donkey like Theo manage an affair of this sort? It takes tact, skill, diplomacy and brains to cope with such a woman. I shall man- age it. Mildred (withdrawing her hand). Thank you so much. With' two such able assistants we should conquer. Here's success to our undertaking! (Raises her coffee-cup. All stand and drink toast.) Kitty (seating herself). Uncle Theo is the soul of honor. If he has uttered one word which that woman could possibly con- struct into a proposal, he will marry her in spite of all you can do or say. Mildred (laughing). I'll marry him myself first. (Seats her- self.) Theo. Don't you worry, Miss Mildred, we'll fix it. We'll jolly her along until she won't know where she stands. Kitty. You'll have to be careful, for she is perfectly capable of sueing the Doctor for breach of promise. Reg. (sitting beside Mildred). I have it. Er — Theo, you can help if you wish. Theo (seating himself and crossing his knees). Oh, I can, can I? Thanks. Reg. Yes, you can propose to her and then she'll drop the Doctor like a hot potato. Theo (looking at Reginald through his monocle). And what am I to do after she has dropped the Doctor? I don't propose to have "Dolly, dear/' shipped off on me. Reg. Oh, you can wriggle out of it somehow. Worms can always crawl, you know. Theo (sweetly). Do you — aw — speak from your own experi- ence? Reg. (bowing). Yes, it has been my misfortune to spend many years in your company. [All laugh. A Regular Flirt 45 Theo (drawling). Aw — laugh everybody! Ha! ha! ha! Reginald has made a joke. Mildred (to Theo). Really, Mr. Morgan, that isn't a bad idea of your brother's. You see, after she has accepted yon, you might let fall some hint of Reginald's brilliant future, and then he can propose to her and she'll drop you. Theo (clapping his hands softly). That's a fine plan, and will let me out of it beautifully. Reg. (ruefully). But — but what am I to do then? Theo (clapping Reginald on the back). Oh, you can crawl. Worms always do. Kitty (anxiously). I am afraid you boys are going to get yourselves into trouble. You are playing with edged tools (Theo takes handkerchief from his pocket, and in doing so pulls out a girl's glove.) The idea! If that isn't my glove! I have been looking high and low for it. Theo (looking at Kitty in ainazenient) . Your glove. Reg. (drazving glove from his pocket). Your glove! Kitty. Yes, my gloves. Well, I declare ! Mildred (laughing). Oh, Kitty, I beg your pardon! I meant to tell you about it, but I forgot. You dropped them in the path and I found them. Theo wanted a souvenir so I let him have one, and Reginald stole the other. Kitty. Well, I must say that's cool ! I'll thank you for my gloves. (She holds out her hand and the boys return her gloves.) ENTER Dr. Morgan_, r. He hastily rushes c, then turns and looks R. Theo. Hello, Dora, dear ! What's up ? Doctor (nervously). That confounded woman will be the death of me! I can't shake her. (Listens.) Here she comes! I knew it. Where can I go? Mildred (raising lid of tool-box). Here's a good hiding-place. Doctor. No, thank you ; but I can squeeze behind it. [Doctor hides behind tool-box. Positions. Table. Reginald. Doctor. Box. Mildred. Kitty. Theo. ENTER Mrs. Mason, r. 46 A Regular Flirt Mrs. Mason (looking through her lorgnette). I thought Dr. Morgan was here. Theo. Didn't he go to the house with you? Mrs. Mason. Yes. He said he had a headache and was going to lie down. I said I would read to him and went to get a book. When I came back he was gone. I thought I caught a glimpse of him out here, but (looking around) I must have been mistaken. Reg. Did he have a fishing rod with him? Mrs. Mason. I don't know. Reg. Because, if he had, he has probably gone fishing oiY those high rocks close to the shore. (Points up r.) It is his favorite spot. Mrs. Mason. Thank you so much. EXIT Mrs. Mason, r. There is silence while they all watch her out of sight. Then Dr. Morgan comes cautiously forward to c. and leans back against table perfectly limp. All crowd about him. CURTAIN. ACT III. Two Weeks Later. SCENE. — Same as Act I. Time, evening. If possible, -fire in grate under mantel, r. c. Poker and tongs by -fireplace. Flow- ers, plants and lights give room festive appearance. Tete-a- tete sofa down l. Chair r. No desk. Large picture hangs L. c. Portieres drape doorways. Lights up. Dick is DISCOVERED .yf^fm^ r. ENTER Kitty, c, from r. Dick rises. Kitty (drawing on gloves). Oh, Dick, I am so glad you are here alone ! Now tell me honestly, how do I look ? ( Walks slowly across to l., looking over her shoulder at her train.) Dick (watching her). Simply ripping! How many poor fel- lows are you going to slay to-night? Kitty. Oh, I shan't be the belle of the ball by any means. (Looks up at Dick.) Why, what's the matter, Dickey boy? You look annoyed. A Regular Flirt 47 Dick. It's that confounded maid of Mrs. Mason's ! She nags the life out of me. Ever since I took her to that ball my life hasn't been worth living. Kitty. Are you sure you haven't given her some encourage- ment? Dick. Encouragement f If I encouraged her she'd fall down my throat. I'm worn out dodging her. When she comes into the kitchen I'm busy in the pantry. When she tries the pantry I tackle the dining-room. (Sighs.) If I can get safely through to-night I'll be all right. Kitty (sitting l.). What's going to happen to-night? Dick. Why, I wrote to Mr. Humbert for that position in his bank, and as he is coming here to this dance I can get my answer. In the meantime I must lie low and avoid the fair Marie. [EXIT, R. Doctor (cautiously looking in d. l.). Is Mrs. Mason here? Kitty (looking up and smiling). Do you want her? Shall I call her? Doctor (coming down r. c). For mercy's sake, don't! She is giving me nervous prostration. I can't stand it much longer ! ENTER Theo and Reginald^ r., drawing on white kid gloves. Theo. And how's "Dora, dear?" Doctor (angrily advancing and shaking his £st in Theo^s face). Theo, I'm not a quick-tempered man, but I am desperate. If you dare address me by that title again I'll knock you down. [Theo staggers back. Kitty crosses to c. Reginald gives way. EXIT Doctor, l. Theo (looking after Doctor, then walking down L.). Poor fellow! (To Kitty.) Is she still at it? Kitty (c). I thought you were going to propose to her and set uncle free. Theo. I did, last night in the summer-house. Kitty. What did she say? Theo (swinging his monocle). She was — aw — immensely flat- tered, but — aw — non-committal, don't you know. I am to have my answer to-night. Reg. (r.). I proposed to her also, but the fair Dolly is evi- dently foxy. She wishes to weigh the relative value of our several inducements. Kitty. I want to speak to Mildred a minute, so I shall leave you to entertain each other. [EXIT Kitty, l. 48 A Reg'ular Flirt Reg. (to Theo). How she could resist you I can't imagine! Merely your personal appearance should have settled the question. Theo (sitting l.). Well, you imagine that all you — aw — have to do is to look at a girl and she'll — aw — melt, don't you know. Thank fortunes they have some sense, or you — aw — wouldn't be a bachelor to-day. Reg. (sitting r.). Laugh away while you have the opportunity. When this evening is over you will be pulling a long face. To- night / intend to ask Miss Elliot to become my wife. Theo. I hope she lets you down easy. Reg. (smiling loftily). So you fancy I shall be refused! Ah, well, of course I can't repeat to your curious ears the reasons I have for feeling sure of a favorable reply. Theo (looking at Reginald through his monocle). By Jupi- ter ! You — aw — are the coolest piece of impudence ! Can't you see that she cares no more for you than she — aw — does for a — aw — cabbage ? Reg. That's all you know about it. Perhaps you are not aware that she calls me Reginald. (Smiles blissfully.) Theo. Pshaw ! She's called me Theo for two whole days. Besides, she has promised me the — aw — supper dance to-night, and after it is over I (laying his hand' affectedly on his chest) shall ask her to become Mrs. Theo Morgan. Reg. Poor boy ! You have my deepest sympathy. Theo (loftily). Aw — thanks, but you will need it all for your- self. ENTER Mildred^ r. to c. Theo and Reginald rise. Business, regarding Mildred with admiration. Mildred. How devoted you two are ! It is lovely to see broth- ers such good friends ! Theo (advancing l. c). It's awfully good of you to wear my roses. Mildred (looking at lowers). It was awfully good of you to send them. They go so nicely with my gown. Reg. (scowling at Theo.). Your roses? I like your cheek! I sent those flowers to Miss Elliot. (Advances R. c.) Theo (to Reginald). I beg your pardon. Reg. I beg yours. Mildred (raising her left hand). Wait a minute, for you are both right. Fortunately for me, you were both partial to the same color, so I took some from each offering to wear here (pointing to shoulder), and the rest I intend to carry. But I consider you both very rude. I have been here for at least five A Regular Flirt 49 minutes and you haven't said a word about my gown. Don't you like it? Reg. (enthusiastically). It's the jolliest rig I ever saw! What do you call it? A Kimona? Theo (laughing heartily). Kimona! That's rich ! Kimona! Ha ! ha ! Don't you know a tea-gown when you see one? Reg. Really, Miss Mildred, you look swell ! That tully, netty, chiffony stuff is simply bewitching. Mldred (holding out her hand to Theo). Oh, Theo, will you fasten my glove? My fingers are all thumbs. Theo. I shall be delighted. (He smiles triumphantly at Reg- inald^ who scowls hack.) Mildred. So kind of you. And I know Reginald will fasten the other one for me. (Holds out other hand to Reginald.) He is so good-natured. (Both men bend over her gloves. Mildred smiles first at one and then at the other.) ENTER Dick, l., sees Mildred, frowns, crosses stage, and is about to EXIT r., when Mildred calls him. Mildred. Richards. Dick (turning). Yes, Miss. Mildred. Come here a minute. I want you. (Dick comes to front of stage, l.). Will you just tie my slipper ribbon for me? Theo and Reginald are both busy. [Dick advances, kneels at her feet, tying ribbon. Reg. Now, I call that unfair to rob me of that pleasure. Theo. Miss Mildred evidently knows you are not to be de- pended upon. Reg. (sneering). Indeed! Was that the reason she dispensed with your services? Mildred. Now, boys, stop joking and listen to me. Thank you, Richards, that's all. (Waves her fan. Dick EXITS an- grily R.) I don't want to be a wall-flower to-night. Theo. There's no danger of that. Mildred. There's no telling. I'm a comparative stranger in this part of the globe and I may be left lamenting. I want you both to promise to look out for me. Theo. I shall ask you for every dance. Reg. So shall I. Mildred. No, you mustn't do that. People might think I was engaged to one of you, and then see what a stupid time I should have. Reg. What do you want us to do? Mildred. I want you to watch me, and the very minute you 50 A Regular Flirt see a dance beginning and I am sitting like "Patience on a monu- ment" I want you to rush up and say : "My dance, I believe, Miss Elliot/' Theo. And — aw — what must we do when you are dancing with the other fellows? Mildred (fanning herself). Why, then you can find a little partner for yourselves. Reg \ (^^S^t^^^)' Oh, I see! Theo. Well, you can count upon me, but Reginald can't dance for a cent. Reg. (angrily). I can so ! I have been practising all the morn- ing, and I get on finely. Mildred (to Reginald). Whom did you practise with? Theo? Reg. (contemptuously) . No, I took a chair, and I could man- age all but the music. It put me out to whistle the tune. Mildred (walking u. c). Here, Fll give you a lesson before the party begins. Theo i (both advancing toward Mildred). Thank you so Reg. ) much. Mildred (stepping hack). Oh, I don't intend to dance. I shall beat time and criticize while you waltz with your brother. Theo. \ (turning hack to hack and walking away). No, thank Reg. \ you. Mildred. But you must. I don't intend to have my fun spoiled because you are disobliging. Theo, you shall be the lady. Here, tie this shawl about your waist for a train. (Takes shawl from chair and gives it to Theo, who fastens it about him. Mildred steps u. L. c.) Now, Reginald, ready. (Reginald and Theo take position for waltzing, standing very clumsily.) How awkward you both are ! Put your arm about his waist, Reginald. Reg. (contemptuously). He hasn't any. Mildred (smiling). Well, the place where his waist should be, then. (Reginald and Theo take an even more awkward pose.) Oh, dear! Can't you do it this way? (Advances c. and, taking Theo waltes a few steps. Reginald steps hack to r. c.) Reg. I might with you for a partner, but Theo is as stiff as a poker. Theo. And Reginald walks all over my patent leathers. Mildred (leaving Theo and crossing to Reginald). I see I shall have to come to your rescue. Theo, you keep time for us. Theo. All right. (Claps hands.) Tummy, tum, tum, tum, tum, tum, tum, tum, tum, tum, tum, tummy. [Reginald and Mildred dance. Mildred (stopping). Not so fast. This isn't a jig. A Regular Flirt Si ENTER Dick, r., with letter on tray. Goes u. l. c. Dick {to Mildred). A letter for you, Miss. [Mildred takes letter. Dick EXITS r. Mildred {going u. c. and reading letter). ''Dearest Mildred: Find I can catch the 8.45 express. Don't forget your promise about the dance. Pardon haste, but have only a minute. See you to-night. Yours, as ever, Fred." {Turns to boys.) Isn't it lovely? Fred's coming. He will be here in time for the dance. {A pause.) Why don't you say something? Theo {taking oif shawl and folding it). Aw — -aw — and who's Fred? Mildred. Fred is the nicest, dearest fellow in the whole wide world. Theo. Oh, indeed ! Reg. You don't say so! {Both look glum. Mildred. Yes, I wrote him a long letter the other day and told him he simply must run down for this dance. That was his answer. He's coming. Theo. So you said before. Mildred. And I say it again. Fred's coming! Fred's com- ing! Fred's coming! {Looks from Theo to Reginald.) Aren't you glad ? Reg. {sarcastically). Delighted! Theo {bitterly). Charmed! Reg. Is he — er — good looking? Mildred {taking shawl from Theo). Indeed, he is! He has the very nicest face of any man I know. Theo. You — aw — seem to be rather fond of this — aw — Fred. Mildred. Fond of him! That doesn't half express it. I love him dearly. Reg. Have you known him long? Mildred. All my life. Theo. Is he — aw — fond of you also? Mildred. He adores me. How can he help it? Theo {slowly drawling). I — aw — should like to — aw — punch his head. Reg. Is it announced? Mildred {in surprise). What? Reg. Why — er — the engagement. Yours and — er — Fred's. Confound him ! Mildred. Why, I'm not engaged to him. The idea ! I never heard of anything so ridiculous. Didn't you know that Fred is my brother? 52 A Regular Flirt Theo. Of course ! I knew it all the time, but it was such fun to see Reginald get excited. Reg. Stuff and nonsense ! You didn't know it any more than I did. Mildred. You know it now, however, and he is coming to- night. I must tell Kitty. (Goes to door, l., and calls,) Kitty! Kitty ! Come here ! Fve a bit of news for you. ENTER Kitty, l. Kitty. Did you call me, Mildred? Positions. Mildred. Kitty. Reginald. Theo. Mildred. Yes, I want to tell you that I have a letter from Fred, and he will be here for the dance. You know, I wrote that you would save him two waltzes. Kitty. You were generous, I must say. How do you know I shall have two dances to spare ? Mildred. I don't see how you have the heart to be so cruel to that poor boy, Kitty. He is devoted to you, and you delight in making him miserable. Kitty. You are a fine one to preach ! You, who lead every man about you a dance ! Mildred (in abused tones). Why, Kitty Harding, I don't at all! Do I, Reginald? Do I, Theo? Reg. No, indeed! Theo. Kitty, I'm surprised ! Mildred (sighing). Really, Kitty, the way you tease that boy is sinful! I don't see how the poor fellow stands it. Kitty. Why doesn't he stay away if he doesn't like it? Mildred (shaking her head). I fear you are an incorrigible flirt. Kitty (laughing). What nonsense! If you never flirt any more than I do you'll be perfectly safe. Mildred (walking up r. c). What a glorious night it is I Let's walk to the gate and get a breath of air. Kitty (going u. c). Very well, but we can't be gone long. [Mildred gives way. Theo has gotten l. of Kitty. Mildred. Theo, you can carry my shawl. I may need it. (EXEUNT Kitty and Theo, c to r.) Reginald, don't break A Regular Flirt 53 that fan, whatever you do. It was a present from a very special friend and I wouldn't have anything happen to it for the world. Reg. (looking at the fan with interest). Where does she live? Mildred. He, you mean. He lives all over. He's a navy offi- cer, and Reg. (interrupting her sharply). I thought you wanted to go for a walk. Mildred. If you are in such a terrible hurry, go on with Kitty, and send Theo back to talk to me. He is so bright and clever ! I suppose you are awfully proud of him? Reg. (savagely). Oh, he's all right. Mildred. And he is not one bit conceited. Reg. You seem to admire him immensely. Mildred. I do. You two are not at all alike, are you? Reg. (scowling) . I suppose you intend to infer that I'm a stu- pid, stuck-up popinjay. Mildred (in surprise). Reginald! Why, I never thought of such a thing! Don't you like to hear your brother praised? Reg. (angrily). I don't want him rammed down my throat morning, noon and night. (Advances r. c.) See here, Mil- dred, will you answer me one question? Mildred. Certainly, a dozen and one. Reg. Do you like Theo better than me? Mildred (looking at Reginald and smiling). Do you want the truth or a polite evasion? Reg. I want the truth. Mildred (advancing l. c). Well, then, I don't know. He can dance better than you, but you make the better Welsh rarebit. Reg. (turning away r.). How unkind you are. (Returns.) Can't you see I am in earnest? Mildred. So am I. To be frank, it is this v/ay: For sailing, .tennis and dancing (counting the items off on her fingers) I pre- fer him, while for rowing and golf I'd choose you. (Walks l.) Reg. (bitterly). In other words you don't care a snap of your finger for either of us. Mildred. In other words, I'm very fond of you both. Reg. (advancing c). Mildred, I can't help it if it is only two weeks, I love you (extending both hands impulsively) with all my heart. Can you give me a ray of hope? Mildred (walking c and speaking in shocked tones). Why, Reginald, I am ashamed of you ! Proposing to one girl and en- gaged to another ! ( Walks l. ) Reg. What do you mean? I'm not engaged to any one. Mildred. And Mrs. Mason? 54 A Regular Flirt Reg. Oh, hang Mrs. Mason! Mildred (calmly). Didn't you propose to her? Reg. Only for a joke! I did it at your instigation, too, just to help the Doctor. Mildred (raising her hand). Never mind your motive. The deed is done, and if I remember correctly she hasn't refused you. Reg. Oh, but she will ! She couldn't possibly take me seri- ously. Mildred. She might. You can't tell. Reg. But I switched her off on Theo. Mildred. You are not free to ask any girl to marry you. ENTER Theo, c, from r. Theo (advancing l.). Aren't you two coming? It is glorious on the piazza ! Mildred (taking shawl from Theo and giving if to Reginald). Reginald, will you take this scarf to Kitty? I am afraid she will find it cool out there in her thin dress. Reg. Certainly. [EXIT Reginald, c to r. Mildred (going r. ) . What an accommodating fellow, Reginald is ! It is a pleasure to ask a favor of him. (Sits r.) Theo (advancing c). Oh, he can be obliging enough when he wants to. Mildred (smiling). And he is such good company, too; so clever and bright ! Theo (crossly). Are you going to sit here all night singing Reginald's praises? Mildred. How impatient you are! Theo (approaching Mildred, r.). Miss Mildred, will you — aw — do me a favor? Mildred (cheerfully). With pleasure. Half a dozen of them. Theo. I want you to give me a rose. Mildred. What a mild request! (Takes a flower from the hunch pinned on her shoidder and gives it to Theo.) Theo (business of admiring rose). I shall keep this bud for- ever. Mildred (smiling). Ah, but you can't. It will fade, you know. Theo. I shall press it and wear it next my heart. Mildred. Even then it will crumble. Better take a lock of my hair. It will last longer. Theo. Will you really give me one? How kind you are! Mildred (heartily). Of course I shall. That is, if I can spare A Regfular Flirt 55 it. I have given away so many this summer that I shall be bald- headed if I keep on. You wouldn't like to see me bald-headed, now, would you? Theo (smiling). You — aw — could wear a wig, you know. Mildred. So I could. And I have always longed to wear a wig. Theo (sighing). What nonsense we are talking! Mildred (bowing her head). Thank you. Theo. I — aw — beg your pardon. I didn't mean that, only I — aw — have so much to say to you and the time is so short. Do you know that this is the last time I shall see you ? Mildred. I hope not. New York is not the Antipodes. Theo. I shall certainly run down to see you every chance I get, but I hate to think of our jolly house-party breaking up to- morrow. Mildred. Yes, isn't it too bad? I shall have nobody to go fishing with now and bait the hooks for me. Theo (sentimentally). Aw — Mildred, you wall think of me sometimes, won't you? Mildred (heartily). Indeed, I shall. (Laughing.) I shall never, never forget the time you fell into the duck pond. Theo. Is that the only impression I shall leave? Mildred. Of course not. You have been awfully good to me and I have had a most charming two weeks, thanks to you and Reginald. Theo. Oh, bother Reginald! Look here. Miss Mildred, do you care for him more than you do for me? Mildred. That's rather an embarrassing question. Theo. I know it is, but you have no idea what it means to me. Mildred (putting his monocle carefully in his eye and kneel- ing before her), I love you. Will you be my wife? Mildred. Theo, do get up. Suppose some one should see you ! ■ Theo (Urmly). I shall stay here until you give me my answer. Mildred (listening intently). Theo, here comes Mrs. Mason. Theo (rising and going u. r.). Confound it! What does she want now? ENTER Dick, l. Mildred. Oh, I was mistaken. It is only Richards. Theo, will you look in the billiard-room and see if I dropped my hand- kerchief there? I had it when we played that last game. Theo. Certainly. [EXIT Theo, r. Mildred (to Dick, who stands with his back to her). Rich- 56 A Regular Flirt ards ! (Silence.) Richards! (Silence.) Richards! (Silence.) What ails the man? (Sings.) Richards, Richards, Richards, Richards. Dick (angrily facing her). You know my name. Why don't you call me by it? Mildred. I was afraid some one might overhear me. It would never do for me to be caught speaking so familiarly to the Doc- tor's butler, now would it? Dick. Pshaw ! You know well enough there is no one to hear you. Mildred. Theo might return any minute. Dick. How can he? You sent him for your handkerchief, and you know as well as I do that it is in your belt. (Ad- vances c.) Mildred (looking down). So it is! How foolish of miC not to look before I sent poor Theo on such a wild goose chase. Will you call him and tell him it is found? Dick (walking l.). Thank you, I shall do nothing of the sort. It seems to me you are very considerate of him. Mildred. He certainly deserves it. H^ is such a dear boy. Dick (turning). I presume you consider Reginald a dear boy, too? Mildred. Yes, isn't he ? Do you know, for the past two weeks I have been trying to find out which one I like the better. Dick (walking l. c. and l.). In the mean time you flirt with them both. Mildred. Yesterday I had my mind all made up that Reginald was my favorite and to-day I feel sure it is Theo. Which do you like? Dick (contemptuously). They are such a precious pair of fools that I can't see much choice between them. Reginald is the bigger idiot, but Theo is the greater clown. Mildred. Which would you like if you were a girl? Dick (in affected tones). I should probably consider them both ^^just too sweet for any thing.'' Mildred. How horrid you are, Dick ! You used to be so bright and witty, and now you do nothing but growl and gramp all the time. Dick (smiling). I plead guilty to the growling, but I don't know what gramping is. Mildred. Gramping means being cross and sarcastic and gen- erally disagreeable. Dick (sadly). No wonder you threv/ me over. Mildred (hastily). Threw yourself over, you should say. Didn't you get mad and toss my ring into the well? A Regular Flitt 57 Dick. Only after you said you didn't want it. Mildred. But I did want it. I wanted it awfully. It was the prettiest engagement ring I ever had, and (tragically) now it's drowned and I shall never, never see it again. Dick (taking ring from his pocket). If you really cared for that little ring, why — er — here it is. I — er — fished it out of the well. I know I am a sentimental fool, but I couldn't bear to think of anything you had worn being harshly treated. Mildred (bitterly). How wise you are! Now you won't have to buy one for Marie. Dick (in surprise). Mildred! Mildred (raising her hand). Yes, I understand now why you took this position of butler. Marie is a charming little girl, and will, no doubt, make you a suitable wife. Dick (advancing c). Mildred, listen to me. Mildred. Wait a minute. Aren't you engaged to her? Dick. Mildred, this is preposterous ! Mildred. They are an attractive pair, those two. The mis- tress captivates the uncle, and the maid wins the nephew. A charming romance! I congratulate you. (Taps her foot and fans herself nervously.) Dick. Mildred, I swear I shall never marry any one but you. Mildred (stoppi^ig her fanning). Poor Marie! Is she to be jilted also? I suppose you consider yourself quite a breaker of hearts. Dick (bitterly). Hearts? You have no more heart than that chair (pointing up), and the worst of it is I have tried in vain to put you out of my life. I tell myself daily that you are not worthy of a good man's love, and when I am away from you I convince myself that I am indifferent to you. Mildred (fanning slowly). You are complimentary, sir. Dick. But the minute I see you I realize that I can no more tear you from my heart than I can stop its beating. Mildred, dearest, let's begin all over. (Goes R.) See, here is your ring. Let me put it upon your finger and Mildred (rising). Stop! How dare you, promised to an- other woman, come and ask me to take you back? Give me that ring. (Takes ring from Dick and goes l.) Once you threw it away. Now it is my turn. (Drops ring into the open grate and goes c. Dick seises poker and kneels before grate.) ENTER Dr. Morgan, r., carrying a string of smilax. Doctor. Richards, you here? Dick (rising and facing Doctor) . Yes, sir. 58 A Regular Flirt Doctor. I want you to get the step-ladder and drape this smi- lax over that picture. (Indicates picture, r.) Dick. Yes, sir. [EXIT Dick, l. Doctor (to Mildred, coming down l. c.)- Are you cold, my dear? These late summer evenings are apt to be chilly. Mildred (shivering) , No-o-o, I'm not cold. Doctor (touching her hand). My dear child, your hands are like ice. Nervous? Mildred (smiling faintly). A — a little, sir. Doctor (sighing). Ah, what a thing it is to be young and care-free! And who is the favored one? Reginald or Theo? Mildred (going l. Doctor gives way). Neither. Doctor (c). What! Longing for more worlds to conquer? At one time I feared it was Dick. I am glad to see, however, that you have given him up. Dick is a good boy, but flighty ! flighty ! Mildred. You do him an injustice, sir. Dick is the strongest character of any man I know. Doctor (raising his eyebrows). So the land lies in that quar- ter, eh? Mildred. Not at all, if you mean that you think I — I care for him. Only I take a sisterly sort of interest in Dick and like to see fair play. He is the bravest, manliest, truest fellow I know. Doctor. Are you sure you don't care for him? Mildred (-fiercely). I hate, despise, detest and abominate him! Doctor. But why, if he is all you say? Mildred. Because he is the meanest, horridest, most disagree- able man of my acquaintance. Doctor (smiling). My dear Miss Mildred, I don't understand you. You say one thing one minute and something entirely dif- ferent the next. Mildred. Don't let's talk about me any more. How is Mrs. Mason treating you? (Sitting l.) Doctor. Why, I had a remarkable communication from her a few minutes ago. She writes that while she appreciates the honor I have done her, she feels that there is something to be considered besides her personal feelings, so she must ask me to release her and begs me to ever think kindly of one who will always remain my faithful Dolly. Mildred. So she has jilted you! Well, you don't look like a rejected lover. Doctor. Mildred, forgive me for bothering you, but do you think me very old? Mildred (laughing). Dear Dr. Morgan, what a question! Of A Regular Flirt 59 course not. I don't believe you are a day older than father, and he is sixty-five and considers himself quite a boy. Doctor. Oh, but I am only forty-six! (Anxiously.) Does that seem very ancient in your eyes? Mildred. No-o-o. Lots of men live to be older than that. Mr. Winters is nearly eighty, and Mrs. Fowler's gardener is ninety at least. Doctor. You are very consoling. Tell me now, just for curi- osity's sake, do you think forty-six is too old to get married? Mildred (heartily). Indeed I don't. I think I shall wait un- til then myself. You see, when you are that age you don't care for dancing and fun, and so it isn't so hard to settle down. Yes, I shall wait until I am forty-six. That is, unless I decide to be- come an old maid. Don't you think I'd make a charming old maid. Doctor? Doctor. You'll never be an old maid, my dear. Mildred. Think not? Well, I don't believe I shall, either. I hate to be alone. I should think you would get awfully sad and blue sometimes. Doctor (walking r.). I do. Mildred. How horrid ! I tell you what, if I live to be forty- six, you know, and I am still unmarried you can ask me to be Mrs. Dr. Morgan, and I'll say yes. That is, if I don't happen to care for any one else at the time. ENTER Theo and Reginald, r. Positions. Theo. Reginald. Doctor. Mildred. Theo. I couldn't find it. Miss Mildred. I looked into every nook and corner. Doctor (going u. r.). I shall leave you young people together while I enjoy a cigar on the veranda. [EXIT Doctor, c. to l. Reg. What did you lose. Miss Mildred? You surely didn't expect such a duffer as Theo to find anything. Mildred (rising and going to grate). It doesn't matter! (Aside.) I wonder if I can get it out? Reg. (going toward grate). Did you drop something into the grate? Here, let me give it a poke. (Seizes poker.) Mildred. No, you mustn't ! Give me the tongs. (Kneels before grate and takes tongs from Reginald.) Now don't touch me. Ah, I have it! (Slowly lifts out ring). My poor little ring! It is spoiled. 60 A Regi^Iar Flirt Reg. (cheerfully). Not a bit of it. (Holds out left hand). Give it to me and I'll take it to the jeweller's and have it polished and cleaned. Mildred (examining ring). No, I'd rather have it as it is. Theo. You seem to think a lot of it. Was it a present? Mildred (advancing c). Yes, it was given to me by some one I used to care a great deal for. Now I prize it for old asso- ciation's sake. Theo (r.)- I suppose she's dead. (Sadly.) I'm awfully sorry, don't you know ! I — aw — can sympathize with you. I — aw — had a friend once and she — she — aw — died. I liked her im- mensely. She was going to give a big dance, and she — aw — died just after the cards were out. I — aw — never got over it. Such a shock, don't you know ! Reg. What? The loss of the ball? Theo (angrily turning to him). Oh, shut up, can't you? Mildred (going r., followed by Theo and Reginald). Come, now, let's walk to the gate and meet Fred. It's about time he put in his appearance. [EXEUNT Mildred, Reginald and Theo, c. to r. ENTER Mrs. Mason, followed by Marie, l. Mrs. Mason (crossing r.). Marie. Marie (standing u. l. c). Oui, Madam. Mrs. Mason. Marie, I'm so excited ! I feel like a young girl at her first party. How do I look? Marie (clasping her hands). Ah, Madam, you look like one angel ! Mrs. Mason (smiling). Marie, you're a treasure! But do I look young f That's the point! Tell me the truth, for I shall not be angry. How old would you take me to be? (Sits R.) Marie (her head on one side). Well, Madam, I should not take you for one day over sixty. Mrs. Mason (rising furiously). Sixty! How dare you? Why, I'm only thirty-five. (Sits R.) Marie (curtsey). Pardon, Madam, pardon. It was my bad English. I meant sixteen. Mrs. Mason (smiling). Not sixteen, Marie. Surely I couldn't look sixteen ! Marie. Sixteen, Madam ; not one year more. Mrs. Mason. You are a very satisfactory maid, Marie. Of course, I am not so foolish as to think I look sixteen, but I don't believe any one would take me to be over, say, twenty-five. Ah, Marie, I don't believe even that little flirt Mildred has had one- A Regular Flirt 6i half the attention that I have received these last few days. Think of it, Marie, three proposals ! Marie. Ah, Madam, what it is to be a rich widow ! Now when you to the Doctor are married Mrs. Mason (in surprise). Married to the Doctor! Why, Marie, whatever put that ridiculous idea into your head? Marie. Surely Madam told me Mrs. Mason. I told you nothing — nothing. I am surprised at your presumption ! The idea of me — me, with my opportuni- ties, settling down to be the wife of a humdrum country doctor. Marie. Why, Madam! Mrs. Mason. Not another word, Marie. The Doctor is a worthy man, good enough in his way, but (looking about and lowering her voice) listen, Marie. Baron Rothberg has sent me word that he will be here to-night. You remember the Baron? Marie (laughing). Ah, oui. Madam, the funny little fat man who came to see madam last winter. Mrs. Mason (rising with dignity). Marie! (Walks c. and then up). The Baron is not a funny little fat man, by any means. He is — eccentric, I admit. That is one of his charms. As for fat (turning to Marie), portly would better describe him (Goes r.). He has recently inherited a large fortune, and (turning again to Marie) oh, Marie, he is coming to-night to ask me to share it. (Walks r. tvith head held high.) A doctor's wife, in- deed! [EXIT Mrs. Mason, r. Marie (laughing). Ah, Madam! Madam! Monsieur Le Baron, indeed. (Puffs out cheeks and taking a couple of swag- gering steps u. c.) ''Bong jour, Marie," he say. ''You are ong bong filly." (Laughs heartily.) Tiens ! (Listens.) C'est Monsieur Reechard. You are sleepery. Monsieur, but Marie catch you thees time. (Marie hides behind portiere, u. r.) ENTER Dick, l., with step-ladder. He places it under one of the pictures l. c. and proceeds to drape smilax over it. Marie comes forward on tiptoe. Marie (sweetly smiling up at Dick). Ah, Monsieur Reech- ard! Dick (starts, slips and catches himself). Confound it! See here, Marie, don't you come a step nearer. If this picture should fall you might get hurt. Marie (sadly). But, Reechard, you are glad to see Marie, n'est-ce pas? You haf so beesy been I never could see you for one leettle minute. 62 A Regular Flirt Dick. But — but I can't talk to you now. I^ — I — the Doctor wants me. Marie (sitting on lower step of ladder and looking fondly up at Dick). The Doctor, he can wait. He ees not fair to never let you talk. Why, Michael, he talk all day long ! Dick (desperately). But, Marie, somebody may come in any minute. Marie (shrugging her shoulders) . It ees too early. Dick (sitting on top of step-ladder and mopping his forehead). Well, for mercy's sake, let's have it out ! I can't stand much more of this sort of thing. Marie (compassionately). Mon pauve Reechard, he ees so fatigue! Marie ees sorry. Dick (leaning forward). Marie, let me tell you something. I saw Michael to-day, and he is corrfing back here. Marie (shrugging her shoulders) . It n'importe. I don't care. Dick. But Michael is a splendid man, Marie. Marie. Yes, but he cannot dance like my Reechard. Dick (looking up). Oh, hang it! (Looking down.) See here, Marie, you had better take Michael. He loves you dearly and will make you a fine husband. I am a wicked, bad man. Marie (nodding and smiling). I like the mens to be what you call him — gay. Michael ees one big stupid. Dick. But, Marie, you don't understand. I — I drink and I — (aside) confound it! I can't think of anything bad enough to tell her. Marie Marie. Mon cher Reechard ! Dick (bending lower and speaking impressively). Marie, I have fits. Marie (looking up). Feets! What ees feets? Dick (excitedly). They are awful things, Marie. They at- tack a man suddenly and he goes mad and bites, and his eyes pop out, and he rolls over and over, and he kills his wife and cuts her all up into little pieces. Marie (who has been edging away and clasping her hands during Dick's speech). Oh, Reechard! Oh, Reechard! Mon Dieu ! You fright me. (Sinks on her knees. ) Let me go, Reech- ard. (Extends her hands imploringly.) You will not make poor Marie marry you? Dick (rising and speaking thoughtfully). Well, no, Marie. You are a good girl, so I shall set you free. (Points l.) Go, Marie ; go to your Michael. Marie (rising and stepping backwards to l.). Ah, Monsieur Reechard ees so kind, so good ! [EXIT Marie, l. A Regular Flirt 63 Dick, (mopping his brow). Whew, that was a narrow es- cape ! I thought she would marry me in spite of myself. ENTER Dr. Morgan, c. from r. Doctor (looking about). Oh, Richards, you've gotten that smilax draped, I see. Just take that step-ladder out on the piazza and hang a few more of those Japanese lanterns. (Walks L.) Dick (coining down ladder, taking off wig and walking c). Uncle Theo. Doctor (facing Dick with a start). Dick! You? Dick (humbly). Yes, sir. Doctor (looking at Dick in surprise). Why, boy, why are you wearing Richard's uniform? And shaved off your beard, too ! What mischief are you up to now ? Dick (smiling). None, sir. Haven't I been a model butler for the past two weeks? (Walks dozvn r.) Doctor. But, Dick, you surely don't mean — what in thunder did you do such a fool thing as this for? Haven't you any pride? Do you want to make me the laughing-stock of the town? Dick. Surely, if you didn't recognize me, no one else would. Doctor. What did you do it forf That's what I want to know. Dick. Because I needed money. Doctor. Pshaw ! If you got into a scrape, say so, and don't beat about the bush. Dick. I didn't get into any scrape. I simply got into debt. I asked you to advance me some money and you told me to work. I took the first position available until I could get an answer from my letter to Mr. Humbert. He has promised me a position as head clerk in his banking house. Doctor. My dear boy, not so fast. Dick. I saw Michael in town this morning, and told him that you might like to see him. He can take my place now — — Doctor. Dick, you will be the death of me ! You have car- ried things with a high hand, but you've got grit and I'm glad to see it. (Sits l.) But, my dear boy, couldn't you have trusted me a little more, and not taken a few hasty words so seriously? Dick. It wasn't so much what you said, sir, as the fact that your words were true, that rankled. I knew I had been a lazy- good-for-nothing long enough, and I didn't want you to think I intended to sponge on you all the rest of my life. Doctor (putting on his glasses). The day you draw your first 64 A Regular Flirt check I shall open an account with Mr. Humbert in your name for ten thousand dollars. Dick. Thank you, sir. I — I don't know how to say it, but — but you have been awfully good to Kitty and me, and I am going to work now in earnest to show you that your kindness hasn't been wasted. Doctor (taking oif glasses and wiping them). There, there! That's all right. Why, boy, you and Kitty have been my sunshine for the past ten years. I have tried to be good to you, but a stupid old bachelor is a poor substitute for a mother. Plague take these glasses ! (Puts on glasses, takes them off and blows nose vigorously.) Dick (fumbling with his collar and clearing his throat). I — I don't know what we kids should have done without you, sir, I don't indeed. Doctor. Mildred was right, boy ! She stood up for you like a little soldier to-night. There's a girl for you ! Grit clear through ! Dick. Yes, sir. That she is, sir. I am so glad you admire her. Doctor. Indeed, I do. She's a girl in a hundred. Dick. It makes me very happy to know that you approve of my choice. Doctor (starting). Your choice! Yours? Dick. Yes, sir. That is, I hope so. You see, we were en- gaged, but I was so confoundedly jealous that we had a — a mis- understanding. I hope to patch it up to-night, however. Doctor. Am I to infer that you — ah — care for her? Dick. Care for her? Why, sir, I adore the ground she walks on. Doctor (leaning back and speaking slowly). And does she re- turn your affection? Dick. She returned it with a vengeance this evening. I have written her a note, however, to explain things and asked her to meet me here. (Goes u. l.) What's the matter, uncle? You look tired. Don't you feel well? Doctor (sadly passing his hand over his eyes). I'm all right, my boy. It's only the heat. Just get me a glass of water, will you? [EXIT Dick, L.) Fool! Blind fool ! As if I could ex- pect her to care for me ! Almost old enough to be her father ! (Bracing up.) Ah, well! It was a pleasant dream while it lasted. Thank Fortune, Dick is worthy of her! Fm proud of him. A Regular Flirt 65 ENTER Dick with glass of water. Dick (giving glass to Doctor). Let me get you some wine, uncle? Doctor (drinking water and giving Dick empty glass). No, no. I'm all right now. Go, my boy. Don't let me keep you from the dance. Dick (putting glass on mantel). I'd rather stay here. She — she might come any minute. Doctor. True. I forgot. (Rises.) Well, I'll clear out and leave you in command of the field. [EXIT Doctor slowly, c. to r. Dick (takes ladder oif l._, then zvalks nervously c. to l.) I wonder if she'll come ! I wonder if she likes me without a beard ! (Goes up c. and looks off r.) Ah, here she comes! Confound it! She's got that donkey Theo with her. How she stands his twaddle I can't imagine! (Steps hack behind portiere, l. of c.) ENTER Mildred and Theo, c. from r. Theo (at Mildred's left). Are you warm, Miss Mildred? Do let me fan you. (Both walk l. c.) Mildred. I'm simply melting! Isn't it deliciously cool in here? ENTER Reginald, r. Reg. (advancing -r. c). Ah, Miss Mildred, I have been look- ing everywhere for 3^ou. This is my dance, I believe. Theo (l. c). Why, Miss Mildred, you promised me this one! Mildred (c). Now, see here, boys, I am so tired! Can't we sit this out? (Walks l. and seats herself.) Reg. (to Theo). I thought you said you were going to get your answer from "Dolly, dear," to-night. (Seats himself at Mildred's right.) Theo (sitting l. of Mildred), I did. She threw me over, so I suppose you are the lucky man. I congratulate you. Reg. You needn't. She turned me down, too. Theo. And I hear she has given the Doctor the go-by. Reg. I just saw her flirting outrageously with a funny little Dutch tub. Theo. See here — aw — Reginald, I came here to — aw — talk to Miss Mildred. Can't you — aw — find something else to do? Reg. There's nothing small about you, I must say. If you 66 A Regular Flirt don't like my society, why, there are plenty of other rooms in this house. Mildred. Don't quarrel, boys. Remember, this is our last night. Theo. Mildred, if you — aw — talk like that I shall weep. Mildred (sighing). Isn't it too bad? I really feel very sorry myself. Reg. (taking Mildred's hand). Mildred, I cannot wait another minute. Won't you give me my answer now? Mildred (drawing her hand away). Why, Reginald, how im- patient you are ! Theo. He is right, Mildred. There is no time like the pres- ent. I know I am not worthy of you, but (Puts up his mon- ocle and drops upon his knees before Mildred.) Reg. Neither am I, but (Kneels clumsily before her.) Mildred (laughing). Now, boys, this is perfectly ridiculous. I can't possibly marry you both. I should be arrested for big- amy. And if I choose one of you the other would be sure to get angry. Reg. If you accept Theo I'll drown myself. Theo. If you take Reginald I'll — I'll — I'll (Looks wildly about.) Mildred. That's just it! You see, the kindest thing I can do is to refuse you both. Then no one need be made unhappy. [Both rise. Theo dusts off his knees. Reg. But Mildred. No, not another word. Now let me tell you some- thing. (Both men draw near and listen.) I am simply famish- ing and you must find Richards and make him give you an ice for me. I shall wait here until you return, and the one who gets back first shall have the next dance. [EXEUNT Theo and Reginald, r. Dick comes for- ward to c. Mildred (rising with a gasp of astonishment). Dick! Why, where — where did you come from? Dick (angrily). You may well ask that question. For the past ten minutes I have been an unwilling witness of your outrageous conduct. No wonder you blush ! Mildred. I — I'm not blushing. Dick. The idea of your leading those two poor boys up to this point ! Mildred. Didn't they propose prettily? I had half a mind to accept Theo. He did look so cute. Dick. Cute ! He looked like a darned fool ! But that doesn't excuse you for encouraging him. A Regular Flirt 67 Mildred (looking away). I didn't encourage him. He ap- preciates me. Dick (grimly). I noticed his appreciation. Mildred (saucily). Theo says I am the sweetest girl he knows. Dick. I'm sure I don't want to hear what Theo says. Mildred. And as for Reginald, why, when I gave him my pic- ture Dick (taking a step toward her). Mildred! You don't mean to say that you gave your photograph to that consummate clown. Mildred (tossing her head). I'll thank you not to call my friends such names. Dick. I once called you a flirt. I take it back now. Mildred (with sarcasm). So good of you! Dick. Flirting is sometimes harmless fun. You are more than a flirt. You are a heartless, soulless, cruel coquette. Mildred (advancing c. and angrily boxing his ears). How dare you ! Dick (staggering back r. c). Mildred! Mildred (pointing r.). Go, I tell you! I — I hate you. Go, and never let me see your face again. Dick. But Mildred (pointing to door and stamping her foot). Go! [EXIT Dick, r. Mildred stands erect with hands clenched until Dick disappears. Then she sinks into chair and, covering her face with her hands, bursts into tears. ENTER Dr. Morgan, l. Doctor. My dear child, what's the matter? Mildred (going r. and drying her eyes hastily). Nothing — nothing — that is (Her voice trembles.) Only, Dr. Morgan, I — I am the meanest, horridest girl in the world. (Sits R.) Doctor. There, there, my dear! don't — don't! Has anything gone wrong? Let me call Dick. (Starts l.) Mildred (rising). No, you mustn't. I never want to see him again. Doctor. I see. You have quarrelled. Mildred. Yes, and Dr. Morgan, I have been so rude and un- ladylike I — I — I boxed his ears. Doctor (laughing and walking l.). Good for you, my dear! Serves him right. Mildred. Oh, I feel so ashamed of myself! Doctor. I expect he deserved it. Mildred. But he didn't! That's just it. I made him per- 68 A Regfwlar Flirt fectly furious and (Interrupts herself impulsively.) Oh, what makes me so mean and disagreeable? I am always doing things I am sorry for. Doctor. That's life, my dear. Mildred. But I'm ten times worse than other girls. Doctor (smiling). Because you have ten times more life. Mildred (laying her hand on the Doctor's arm). Dr. Morgan, you are such a comfort. I love you better than any man I know — except Dick and father and Fred. Doctor. Thank you, dear. (Goes u. c.) Now you must come and dance, or they will all be wondering what has become of you. I am afraid you are not enjoying yourself very much. Mildred (rising, taking Doctor^s arw and speaking bitterly). Oh, I am having a lovely time ! A beautiful time ! I have been perfectly horrid to all the people I care for most, and I am as happy as a bird. [EXEUNT Doctor and Mildred, l. ENTER Theo and Reginald, r., with plates of cream. Reginald (going r. c. and looking around). Why, she's gone! She said she'd wait. Theo (l. c). I know she did, and this stuff is melting and slipping all over. [Both eat cream. ENTER Kitty l., advances c. Kitty. Where's Mildred? Reg. (busily eating). She — er — isn't here. Theo (without looking up from his plate). No, she isn't here. Kitty. But where is she? Reg. How under the sun should we know? Kitty. You are usually very well informed as to her where- abouts. Have you had a fuss? Theo. Not exactly, only (Eats more cream.) Reg. Of course not, but Kitty (looking from one to another). I thought you were going to propose to her to-night? Reg. (calmly). Well, you see, I have changed my mind. Theo (loftily). Yes, we — aw — have changed our minds. Reg. Fact is, I was never really in love with her at all. She's too flighty for me. TB.EO (waving his fork). Just so ! Flighty! Flighty! Reg. (placing his plate on the mantel). She has no depth. All on the surface, you know. A Regular Flirt (^9 TuEo (solemnly). Nothing but — aw — froth! (Puts his plate on mantel and walks l.) Reg. She never takes a man seriously. Theo. Now you, Kitty Reg. You are sensible. Theo. A fellow can confide in you, don't you know. Kitty, now I come to think of it, I believe I — aw — have been in love with you ever since I can remember. Kitty (laughing). Go along, Theo. You haven't seen me since I was a little tot. Theo (shaking his head). That doesn't make any difference. You were a jolly little soul, and I have always carried your im- age in my heart. Reg. I fell in love with you the night we came down for this house-party. Theo. Kitty, don't you mind him. Kitty. Boys, what nonsense you are talking! Why, I came here to tell Mildred that I had seen Fred, and — and it's all right. Reg. What's all right? Kitty (in embarrassed tones). Why, I — he — that is — you won't tell any one? Theo (striking an attitude). I pledge myself to secrecy. Kitty. Well, I'm engaged! (Smiles.) Isn't it lovely! Reg. (turning r.). Well, I call that a confounded piece of busi- ness ! What does he mean by sneaking in in this way and cut- ting me out? Kitty. You'll have to ask him. [EXIT Kitty, r. Theo. (tragically). Foiled again! I fear I shall die an old maid! Fan me, Reginald, or I shall collapse. (Sinks into chair.) Reg. I tell you what, Theo, w^omen are not worth it. Theo. Worth what? Reg. Why, all this courting business. You pick out a nice girl and get on swimmingly. Along comes some duffer who doesn't know beans, and down she flops into his arms. Theo (rising and clapping Reginald on the shoulder). Right you are, old chap. Let's give them a wide berth hereafter. Reg. Agreed ! We'll take rooms at the club and keep bach- elor's hall for the rest of our days. Theo (heartily). Shake on it! (They shake hands. Theo walks up L. and looks R.). By Jingo! There's that little girl in the pink cheese-cloth again. ITi bet she's looking for me. Reg. (coming u. l. and looking over Theo^s shoulder). Do you mean the faded beauty with the orange-colored shoulder- blades? 70 A Regular Flirt Theo. No, the girl beside her with the feather-duster arrange- ment on her head. Come and I'll introduce you. [EXEUNT Theo and Reginald, c. to r. ENTER Dr. Morgan and Dick, l. Both remain up. Doctor. I tell you, boy, she loves you. Dick. You are mistaken, uncle. Why, she boxed my ears ! Doctor (smiling). A sure proof of her love. Do you suppose she would box the ears of a man to whom she was indifferent? Dick. I fail to understand such methods of showing one's affection. Doctor. My boy, you love a noble, high-spirited girl, and you let her see that you think her a spoiled child. Dick. I don't believe she cares that (snapping his Angers) for me. Doctor. Would you believe it if you heard her say so? Dick. Yes. But she won't say so. Doctor. You stay there (pushing Dick info corner u. r. c.) and don't you move until I call you. Remember, not until I call. [EXIT Doctor, l. ENTER Mrs. Mason, followed by Marie, r. Mrs. Mason (walking down l.). Marie, I want you to pack my boxes to-night. We must take an early train to-morrow. The dear Baron insists upon my marrying him the first of next month. Oh, Marie, he has everything ! He has been knighted, belted, gartered, and I don't know what all. We are to go to Italy on our honeymoon. Marie (u. r. c). But I cannot go, Mrs. Mason. It ees im- possible. Michael will not let me. Mrs. Mason (severely). And who is this Michael, that he is to be considered before me? Marie. Oh, Madam, he ees, what you call him in English? my coompany. He came to-night and made me promise him to marry. He say he will keel me eef I don't. Mrs. Mason. Why, the man is a brute! He should be ar- rested ! Marie. Ah, but. Madam, I love heem. Mrs. Mason (in surprise). I thought you loved Richards. Marie (scornfully). Reechard ees not a man. He ees tire- some. Michael he say to me, "Eef you say you will not marry me I'll knock you down." Ah! (clasping her hands and rolling her eyes) there ees a man for you ! A Regular Flirt 71 Mrs, Mason (going u. r.)- Gracious, girl! I should think you would be scared to death. Well, come and help me pack, for I have much to do. Marie. Oui, Madam, I will help you, but I must go back to Michael. [EXEUNT Mrs. Mason and Marie, r. ENTER Doctor and Mildred, l. Dr. Morgan (going down l. c). Come and rest awhile, my dear. You look tired. Mildred (going down r.). Oh, so tired, and heartsick, too! (Sits R.) Doctor. Poor child ! You should not worry about such a trifle. Mildred (wiping her eyes). Do you call the loss of one's self- respect a trifle? Doctor. Believe me, Mildred, no man alive is worth one trou- bled tear. Mildred. You don't appreciate Dick, Doctor. He is not a bit like other men. Doctor. Isn't he? (Dick takes a step forward. Doctor waves him back.) Mildred (thoughtfully). No, he is so noble, unselfish and brave, and I — I have treated him abominably. I see my conduct in its true light, now that all is over between us? Dick (coming forward and going r. to Mildred). Mildred! Doctor (to Dick). I told you not to come until I called you. Dick (kneeling by Mildred's side, but looking at Doctor). Do you think I could stay there and let her abuse herself like that? (Taking Mildred's hand.) Dearest, I have been a jealous brute. Can you forgive me? Mildred (turning away). Dr. Morgan, you are a scheming, wicked man. Doctor (shaking his iinger at her). Remember, when you are forty-six I am to have my opportunity. Dick. Am I forgiven? Mildred. Am I a flirt? Dick. You are the dearest, sweetest, loveliest girl in the world. [Dr. Morgan studies the wall, l. Mildred. Am I a flirt? Dick. You are an angel. Mildred (laughing). Am I a flirt? Dick. No, no, no. You don't understand the first principles of flirting. Mildred (rising and holding out her hand to Dick, who rises JUL S3 1903 72 A Regular Flirt and clasps her hand in both of his). Then I forgive you. But {smiling at him) how it must have hurt you to teli that fib ! [Both walk c. Dick holds Mildred's right hand in his right and places his left arm around her. Doctor looks at them, then turns hastily azvay and walks l. Dick. I have your forgiveness, so I am satisfied. ENTER Theo, Reginald and Kitty_, r. All three coming down. Theo. Oh, Uncle Theo — why, Mildred, where in the world have you been? The cream all got — aw — cold waiting for you. ENTER Mrs. Mason and Marie, l. Mrs. Mason comes d. to Doctor's right. Marie remains u. c. Mrs. Mason. Doctor, I have been looking everywhere for you. Can Richards drive me to the station early to-morrow morning? I have to take the 7.30 train. Doctor. Not Richards, Mrs. Mason, for, as you see, he is otherwise engaged, but I shall be delighted to drive you there myself. [Mrs. Mason looks at Dick and Mildred through her lorgnette. Mrs. Mason (simpering). Ah, but the Baron might object. He is so — so — well, so jealous. Marie (coming forzvard). I spoke to Michael, Madam, and he say he will be glad to go. Kitty. We shall all go, for I am sure we all wish to see the last of our chaperon. Mrs. Mason. How considerate of you ! Dick (raising Mildred's hand). And I shall have to get a new ring for this little finger. Mildred (holding up ring). No, I prefer the old one. (Gives ring to Dick, who puts it upon her finger.) Positions. Mildred. Dick. Marie. Reginald. Mrs. Mason. Kitty. Theo. Doctor. CURTAIN. 1 COME.DIES AND DRAMAS | f 15 CENTS EACH vt? 2 M F. jg ;|; MY AWFUL DAD. Comedy that always makes a brilliant hit; 3 acts; JK l^g 2 hours 6 6 ?K /^S NIGHT IN TAPPAN, A. Farce comedy; excessively funny and sure to i^|^ /||\t take ; i act ; % hour 2 5 ^ ^ij NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL. Comedy; sometimes plays as '' Is Marriage $ in a Failure?" 3 acts ; i^ hours 6 5 'Vt/' 2J NOT SUCH A FOOL AS HE LOOKS. Comedy; one of the best ex- jg ^1^ amples of modern farcical comedy ever written ; 3 acts ; 23^ hours 5 4 S^ /|\ OUR BOYS. Comedy; always succeeds ; 3 acts ; 2 hours 6 4 yj^ /6 OUT IN THE STREETS. Drama. Wherever this play is presented it is \f> jS received with the greatest enthusiasm ; 3 acts ; i hour 6 4 Vf/ ^X PAIR OF IDIOTS, A. Up-to-date society comedy, with bright and witty )K jk dialogue and telling situations ; 2 acts ; 2 hours 3 3 S( /J\ PICKING UP THE PIECES. Effective comedy either as a parlor play or ^|^ (fiS curtain raiser ; i act ; 30 minutes i i ijjjf ^♦^ ROBERT EMMET. (New version.) A new, actable version of this great Vf/ '!> historical drama ; 3 acts ; 2 hours 10 2 if/ ^; SAVED FROM THE WRECK. Drama ; serio-comic ; 3 acts, 2 hours.... 8 3 j{j ^^X SCRAP OF PAPER, A. Comedy of the present time, full of healthy yf^ jfJlS laughter ; 3 acts ; 2 hours 6 6 y(|^ ^♦j SHAKESPEARE WATER CURE. Burlesque comedy; each character a Vf/' ^♦> star ; 3 acts ; 2 hours 5 4 Vf/' ^^ SINGLE LIFE. Comedy; the characters are all comic and all ''Stars"; M^ /jy 3 acts ; 2 hours 5 5 ^ (J'|S SNOWBALL, THE. Farcical comedy ; the popularity of this comedy is un- yf/ i/}\ excelled ; 3 acts ; 2 hours 4 3 i^|/ ^|> SOLON SHINGLE. Yankee comedy ; 2 acts ; iK hours..: 7 2 NJ/ ^k STRIFE. (Master and Men.) Great labor drama; a play for the masses ; ^!^ ^jy^ 4 acts ; 2 1< hours 9 4 >jj i/|\i SUNSET. Comedy ; requires some acting with reserve force in both comedy ijjjf /|\ and pathos ; 1 act ; 50 minutes 3 3 yf/ /!v SWEETHEARTS. Comedy combining fun and pathos ; 2 acts ; i hour. ... 2 2 w /S TEN NIGHTS IN A BARROOM. New and simplified version of an old Sj ^A favorite that will draw hundreds where other plays draw dozens ; 5 acts ; }K ;X 2 hours 7 4 ^1% )a three hats. Farcical comedy ; one of the greatest favorites ; cannot fail ^»% M^ to be a success ; 3 acts ; 2 hours . . 5 4 ?»% i TIMOTHY DELANO'S COURTSHIP. Yankee comedy full of laughable i^f> j/jfi incidents ; 2 acts ; i hour .... 2 3 \i^ ^J TRIED AND TRUE. Stirring play of city life, full of brisk action and lively Vj? 5JJ dialogue ; 3 acts ; 2% hours 8 5 W 2J TRIPLE WEDDING. Short excellent drama of home life by the author of W ^ ' ' The County Fair " ; 3 acts ; i ^ hours 4 4 W ^C UNCLE JACK. Drama; comic, with a good moral ; i act ; i^ hours ^ 4 il> /|\ UNCLE TOM'S CABIN. New version. An old favorite rewritten so that ^|^ /|\ it can be played in any hall ; 5 acts ; 2}( hours, . 7 5 y|^ /j> UNDER A CLOUD. Comedy drama ; bright, breezy, full of snap and go; \f^ /JX 2 acts ; I % hours .' 5 2 ify ^fe UNEXPECTED FARE, AN. Comedy affording excellent scope for amusing sf> (fiS situations and by-play ; i act ; ^ hour i 5 \|^ i[K^ WANDERER'S RETURN, THE. (Enoch Arden.) Drama with strong \f> /j^ plot and effective characters ; 4 acts ; 2% hours 6 4 \fi/f <|> WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME. Farce-comedy funny ; 2 acts ; i hour.. 4 4 Vl/ 'i'fe WOVEN WEB, THE. Strong and sparkling drama; has a military flavor, \i/ CAPTAIN DICK. Eifective drama, founded on an episode of the Civil War ; (fi|N 3 acts; 2 hours 9 6 'h: DEACON, THE. Comedy drama that is simply immense. Alvyn Joslyn M\ type, old man leading character ; 5 acts ; 2^ hours 6 6 /^\ EDWARDS THE SPY. Drama ; a brilliant episode of the Civil War ; 5 acts ; j/ji 2% hours 10 4 w ERIN GO BRAGH. Up-to-date Irish drama; both serious and comic in ?l? scope, not sensational ; 3 acts ; 2 hours 5 4 'ly GOLDEN GU^CH. (The Government Scout) Drama that combines fun, ^K sentiment, and exciting situations ; 3 acts ; 2% hours 11 3 ]/(^ GYPSY QUEEN, THE. Romantic drama with bright comedy parts; Jlll\ 4 acts ; 2>^ hours 5 3 ^jj^ t JAILBIRD, THE. Drama of city life, containing a vivid plot with well- i^? diversified Interest, together with a pretty love-story ; 5 acts; 2^ hours.. 6 3 Vt? ± JOHN BRAG, DECEASED. Farce comedy; one of the best farces ever 9^ '2i published; nothing slow in this piece ; 4 acts ; 2^ hours 8 5 jK ili^ JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. Farcical comedy drama; uproarious comedy ijj^ ^jii features alternate with forceful, but not heavy pathos ; 4 acts ; 2 hours 7 4 ^f^ ^j^ MAN FROM MAINE. Comedy drama with a wide-awake hero from ''Down Vll^ jj> East " ; 5 acts ; 2'^ hours ... 9 3 NJ/* ± MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. Comedy drama with great 'charac- JK Mi ter " parts ; 4 acts, 2% hours 5 3 jK (3>i MY LADY DARRELL. Drama possessing all the elements of success ; y(^ ifl\ powerful situations, effective stage pictures, and grand climaxes ; 4 acts ; ^ (^ji 2}i hours 9 6 ijljf w NIGHT OFF, A. Comedy by Augustin Daly ; printed from the original "Vj? y^ prompt-copy ; 4 acts ; 2^ hours 6 5 w yl PRISONER OF ANDERSONVILLE. Military comedy drama. An excel- >K /i\ lent play for amateurs, as all the parts are good and evenly divided ; 4 acts ; ?K ^|> 2i< hours 10 4 ^jj ifif^ REGULAR FLIRT, A. Up to-date comedy, especially recommended to ijljf (^JX those who have produced the author's "Just for Fun " ; 3 acts ; 2 hours... 441^^ JIJ SEVEN-TWENTY-EIGHT. By Augustin Daly. There have been several "Vj? 'j^ imitations of this comedy, but none of them approaches the original ; W Jj> 4 acts ; 2i^ hours ^ "^ «> )j\ SHAUN AROON. Stirring drama of home life in Ireland ; a simple real pic- S% j/ji ture of country life in the Emerald Isle ; 3 acts ; 2 hours 7 3 ^|% ilk SQUIRE TOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. Strong comedy drama; 5 acts; i^l!^ ^te 2^ hours 5 2 ^1^ Jj^ STEEL KING, THE. Comedy drama with brisk action; depicts the strug- W. y} gle between labor and capital ; 4 acts ; 2% hours 5 3 >k ^|>i WHAT'S NEXT? Farce comedy: 3 acts; plays 150 minutes; raises 150 ^|^ '^jj^ laughs 7 4 ^1^ (?fe WHITE LIE, A. Comedy drama; abounds in laughable comedy features <(f/' illiS and strong situations of serious interest ; 4 acts ; 2% hours 4 3 y^ ^ I