3 PS 3039 
 T65 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. • 
 
 Ohap..tSM33. 
 
 Shelf f~r.A^ 
 
 UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. ) 
 
For cxp/dJidfToii sec idst, page. 
 
®^&i 
 
 SBiB 
 
 
 "S Seed biftotff ^ Ihfi^P^J^^, 
 
 PERPETRATED 
 
 BY 
 
 ^ ^. '^^%^^'6z^^.^^x^ jdle^.e^^.tJ^ d^f^ 
 
 o 
 
 NEW YORK- 
 LIVER MO RE ^ RUDD, 
 
 310 Broadway. 
 I 8 5 6„ 
 
75 30^^ 
 7c r 
 
 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by 
 
 LIVERMORE & RUDD, 
 
 in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for the Southern 
 District of New York. 
 
 elkotrottpkd bt printed by 
 
 Thomas B. Smith, j. d. t o r r e t, 
 
 82 & 84 Beekman Street, 18 Spruce Street. 
 
f||U nation. 
 
 Pofetgi, gf ©tiitor, from g^ original Sfectcf), on g^ ito^tfj ^fte of gf 
 3jarn«liorf, iitrg scarce anU berg correct. 
 
 If the Author comprehends this production, 
 it is not a tragedy. 
 
 He supposes it to be an inconsistent, imprac- 
 ticable, irreconcilable, paradoxical, trochaical ro- 
 mance ; with a couple of ridiculous heroes whose 
 existence is undeniable, and whose final departure 
 was unintentionally tragic ; also a batch of im- 
 
IV 
 
 EXPLANATION. 
 
 possible heroines created for this occasion only, 
 and who are unceremoniously disposed of. 
 
 The characters were imagined by " Doe- 
 sticks/' by whom also the facts were invented, 
 and the principal events fabricated. 
 
 The illustrations were interpolated by John 
 M^Lenan, who holds himself personally respons- 
 ible therefor. 
 
 ^' muct) rwpcctcli Artist, from a« ^kctct) ba Bembraniit. 
 
CONTENTS, 
 
 »♦« 
 
 FAGE 
 
 Explanation ' 3 
 
 The Author's Apology 9 
 
 Introduction 13 
 
 I. 
 
 The Pipe, and who Smoked it 21 
 
 II. 
 
 Who Came, and "Where he Came From 40 
 
 III. 
 
 Fight Number One — Who Whipped, who Died, and how 
 MANY Ran Away ... 50 
 
 IV. 
 
 Fight Number Two— How many Rounds, and who Could n't 
 Come to Time 63 
 
VI CONTENTS, 
 
 V. 
 
 A Free-love Marriage 73 
 
 VI. 
 
 The Gathering of the Clans — What they went to Work 
 
 AT, AND how much THEY GOT A MONTH 80 
 
 VII. 
 
 How the Hero did a great many things, and who helped 
 
 HIM 93 
 
 VIII. 
 
 A Single-handed Game of Brag. 104 
 
 IX. 
 
 What a Woman did 106 
 
 X. 
 
 What the Hero worshiped 114 
 
 XI. 
 
 Fight Number Three, with Variations 122 
 
 XII. 
 
 Matrimonial Endearments — Fight Number Four. . . . 130 
 
CONTENTS. Vll 
 
 XIII 
 
 PAGE 
 
 A Compromise, and what came of it 141 
 
 XIV. 
 
 How A Woman got her Spunk up, and left the Country 147 
 
 XV. 
 
 The Consequences — Mother and Child both doing well. 156 
 
 XVI. 
 
 He continues his Studies — His Progress 169 
 
 XVII. 
 
 He still continues his Studies — His further Progress . 176 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 "Who Died, and what they did with him 184 
 
 XIX. 
 
 Funereal and Solemn 189 
 
 XX. 
 
 A Marriage, and what came of it ........ 195 
 
VIU CONTENTS. 
 
 XXI. 
 
 EAGB 
 
 i'AMiLT Jars, ai^d a Departure 202 
 
 XXII. 
 
 Spirit Rappings and Spirit Drinking mixed 210 
 
 XXIII. 
 
 "What he did n't — "What his Mother Did, and where she 
 "Went to 219 
 
 XXIV. 
 
 CUFFEE TRIUMPHANT — An UNEXPECTED SmASH — DEMOLITION OF 
 
 the Hero 245 
 
€\}t %xx^qx'b %$Qlm 
 
 C ^ REFUSE to apologize. 
 
 I j|| I When I began this 
 
 work, I assumed the right 
 to distort facts, to muti- 
 late the records, to belie 
 .^ history, to outrage com- 
 :i^^ mon sense, and to speak 
 as I should please, about 
 ?f fomptier vcfuscti) lo acfenotui- all dignitaries, persons, 
 
 cisc 2^ corn. , 
 
 places, and events, with- 
 out the slightest regard for truth or probability, 
 
 I have done it. 
 
 I intended to compose a story without plot, 
 plan, or regard for the rules of grammar. 
 
 I have done it. 
 
X THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. 
 
 I intended to write a poem in defiance of 
 precedent, of prosody, and of the public. 
 
 I have done it. 
 
 I intended to upset all commonly received 
 ideas of Chronology, and to transpose dates, 
 periods, epochs and eras, to suit my own con- 
 venience. 
 
 I have done it. 
 • I intended not only to make free with the 
 heathen Gods, and to introduce some of them 
 into our modern " Best Society," but also to 
 invent a mythology of my own, and get up 
 home-made deities to suit myself. . 
 
 I have done it. 
 
 I intended to slaughter the American Eagle, 
 cut the throat of the Goddess of Liberty, an- 
 nihilate the Yankee nation, and break things 
 generally ; and I flatter myself that — I have 
 done it. 
 
 If you are discontented with the story — if 
 
THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. xi 
 
 the beginning does not suit you — if the middle 
 is not to your taste — if you are not pleased 
 with the catastrophe — if you don't like my dis- 
 position of the characters — if you find fault with 
 my imaginative facts — if you think the poetry 
 isn't genuine — if, in fact, you are dissatisfied 
 with the performance, you had better go to the 
 doorkeeper and get your money back, for, I re- 
 peat it, I refuse to apologize. 
 
 What are you going to do about it ? 
 
 ^' tompiler Icabctt) b^ peopir 
 to siatisfg tf)emselbes. 
 
11 1 r a Hi U i a u. 
 
 gf autfjor makctf) ijts Couj to x)^ iiimming ^ublicfe, 
 in gc Uacf^sroiinti »« Wine. 
 
 " MT ********* 
 
 :i= MY W^CL'E:'—Sha7cspeare. 
 
 Non-committal applause by the curious reader, who don't 
 know what to expect. Enter, to slow music, the author, 
 solus and seedy. In the distance are seen the nine muses, 
 smoking short pipes, and eating peanuts. They encourage 
 
XIV 
 
 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 the bashful poet by telling him to " Go in, Lemons I" (The 
 good-natured public will also imagine the lemons.) Thus en- 
 couraged, he speaks as follows : 
 
 )t xtbcrcH anij murf) 
 rcgptctcti ©ndf. 
 
 ON'T you ask me, whence 
 this burlesque ; 
 Whence this captious fabrication, 
 With its huge attempt at satire, 
 With its effort to be funny, 
 With its pride in Yankee spirit. 
 With its love of Yankee firmness. 
 With its flings at Yankee fashions. 
 With its slaps at Yankee humbug, 
 With its hits at Yankee follies, 
 
INTRODUCTION. XV 
 
 And its scoffs at Yankee bragging, 
 With its praise of all that's manly, 
 All that 's honest, all that 's noble, 
 With its bitter hate of meanness. 
 Hate of pride and affectation. 
 With its 'Scorn of slavish fawning, 
 Scorn of snobs, and scorn of flunkies, 
 Scorn of all who cringe before the 
 Birtj but " almighty dollar ?" 
 
 Don't you ask — for I shan't tell you, 
 Lest you, too, should be a Yankee 
 And should turn and sue for Hbel, 
 Claiming damage — Grod knows how much. 
 
 Here the faint-hearted author vanishes in a tremulous flour- 
 ish of coat-tails, and " Doesticks," appearing, learnedly dis- 
 courses as follows: 
 
 Should you ask me where / found it ? 
 Found this song, perhaps so stupid, 
 Found this most abusive epic ? 
 I should answer, I should tell you 
 
^Vl INTRODUCTION. 
 
 That "I found it at my Uncle\s/ 
 "Number one, around the corner,^ 
 In a paper, in a pocket, 
 
 maestri, ge editor, litsro&crftij gc original iKS. ge miic^- 
 respcctcU Slnrlf tiflisfjtfU tfjcrcat. 
 
 In a coat, within a bundle. 
 Tied up, ticketed and labelled, 
 Labeled by my careful " Uncle ;" 
 Placed within a cozy recess, 
 On a shelf behind a curtain. 
 ^ere I found this frantic poem ; 
 And "my Uncle,'' land old "Uncle," 
 Told me that the hard-up author. 
 One day borrowed two and sixpence 
 
INTRODUCTION. XVll 
 
 On this coat, and on this bundle. 
 Months had flown, and still the author 
 Hadn't yet redeemed his pledges, 
 Hadn't paid the two and sixpence. 
 So "my Uncle," dear old "Uncle," 
 Kind, accommodating "Uncle," 
 Sold to me this precious bundle. 
 And this poem lay within it. 
 
 This is where I got this epic, 
 Epic pawned for two and sixpence. 
 But, where is the hard-up author.^ 
 Whether writing, whether starving, 
 Whether dead, or in the almshouse, 
 I don't care— nor does the public. 
 
 If, stiU further, you should ask me, 
 "Who is this dear noble 'Uncle.?' 
 Tell us of this kind old ' Uncle ;' " 
 I should answer your inquiries 
 Straightway, in such words as follow : 
 "In the Bowerv and in Broome street. 
 
XVm INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Neighbor to the fragrant gin-shop ; 
 In a dark and lonesome cellar 
 Dwells the Hebrew — dwells 'my Uncle/ 
 You can tell his habitation 
 By the golden balls before it. 
 
 "Here 'my Uncle/ kind old 'Uncle/ 
 Dear, disinterested ' Uncle/ 
 Sits and sings his ' song of sixpence/ 
 'Sixpence here for every farthing, 
 Every farthing that I lend you 
 You shall soon return me sixpence : 
 And, that by the risk I lose not, 
 Ere I lend you dimes or dollars. 
 You shall leave a hundred values 
 Of the money which you borrow ; 
 Which, if you don't pay my sixpence, 
 Shall be forfeit then forever. 
 Sixpence here for every farthing. 
 Every farthing pays me sixpence.' 
 
 "Here the painters bring their pictures, 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Precious, beautiful creations ; 
 Bring them to my kind old 'Uncle/ 
 He to cherish native talent, 
 And encourage home-bred genius, 
 Gives the artist, on his pictures, 
 Half the first cost of the canvas. 
 And the author takes his poem, 
 Which has cost him months of labor ; 
 On which he has poured his life * out- 
 Takes it to my kind old ' Uncle,' 
 Who, to cherish native talent. 
 
 XIX 
 
 W «rtiste, s^ iHusfrfans, ant. ge ncetrg pubhck b.'sits g^ fiencbolcnt JKntle. 
 
 Gives him what the ink has cost him, 
 What the ink with which he wrote it. 
 
 * By 'Hife'^ the author does not mean autobiography. 
 
XX INTKODUCTION. 
 
 " But the poet and the painter 
 Are Americans, and natives 
 Of the land which leaves them beggars. 
 That's the reason why they're starving — 
 Why they need ^my Uncle's' sixpence.* 
 
 g2 successful ^oct antJ gf prosperous ISaintcr. 
 
 This is how this naughty poem 
 Once was ^up a spout' in Broome Street — 
 This is all about ^my Uncle' — 
 Good-by, ' Uncle' — go to thunder." 
 
 * The native poet and the native painter are a couple of native 
 jackasses. If Muggins's poem won't sell, let him Frenchify him- 
 self, and become " Chevalier Muggins" or " Monsieur de Mogyns ;" 
 and if Dobbs can't find a market for his picture, let him trans- 
 mogrify himself into an Italian, and call himself " Signor Dob- 
 boni," and both will find customers enough. If Miss Donovan, 
 the Irish songstress, can't make her music pay expenses, she adds 
 an " i" to her Celtic cognomen, and straightway as " Signorina 
 Donovani," she creates a sensation. Vide Hist. Ital. Opertty every 
 volume within the memory of man. 
 
INTRODUCTION. XXI 
 
 Ye, who love to scold your neighbors. 
 Love to magnify their follies, 
 Love to swell their faults and errors, 
 Love to laugh at other's dullness. 
 Making sport of other's failings — 
 Buy this modern Yankee fable ; 
 Buy this song that's by no author. 
 
 Ye, who love to laugh at nonsense, 
 Love the stilted lines of burlesque. 
 Want to read a song historic, 
 Want to read a song prophetic, 
 Want to read a mixed-up storj^ 
 Full of facts and real transactions. 
 Which you know are true and life-like — 
 Also full of lies and fictions. 
 Full of characters of fancy 
 And imaginary people. 
 Buy this home-made Yankee fable ; 
 Buy this song that's by no author. 
 
XXU INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Ye, who want to see policemen, 
 Koman heroes, modern Bloomers, 
 Heathen gods of every gender, 
 News-boys, generals, apple-peddlers. 
 Modern ghosts of ancient worthies, 
 Editors, and Congress members 
 
 S< Congresginan, gf ©Uttor, 2^ (Sf)ost of 2^ lamcntclJ plamlrt, etc., ctr. 
 
 "With their bowie-knives and horsewhips, 
 Saints and scoundrels, Jews and Gentiles, 
 Honest men of ancient fable. 
 With historic modern villains. 
 Jumbled up in dire confusion. 
 Dovetailed in, at once regardless 
 Of all place or date or country ; 
 
INTRODUCTION. XXlll 
 
 Making such a curious legend 
 As the world has never read of; 
 Headless, tailless, soulless, senseless, 
 Even authorless and foundling — 
 Buy this modem Yankee fable. 
 Buy this song that's by no author. 
 
 Ye, who sometimes in your rambles 
 Through the alleys of the city. 
 Where the smell of gas escaping, 
 And the odors of the gutters. 
 And the perfume of the garbage, 
 And the fragrance of the mud-carta 
 Don't remind you of the country, 
 Or the redolence of roses ; 
 Pause by some neglected book-stall, 
 For awhile to muse and ponder 
 On the second-hand collection : 
 If you find among the volumes. 
 Disregarded, shabby volumes. 
 One which answers to our title, 
 
XXIV 
 
 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Buy it here and read hereafter — 
 Buy this modern Yankee fable^ 
 Buy this song that's by no author. 
 
 gf Publirft Hisro&cttti) a^ Folume at cbetu 33<Jofe»gt8lI. 
 
I. 
 
 %ki lip. an!> to|ff ^mflbtli it; 
 
 WITH ALL THE PARTICULARS. 
 
 2? l)cnfral)Ic anU gf mucf) rcspcctcu •'- -^ the anCient 
 
 Jugiter cnfoactf) *)imsElff feitf) nC 
 
 pipe aiTij sMatest neins. ' heathen heaven, 
 
 On a side hill called Olympus, 
 Mister Jupiter, the mighty, 
 
28 A CELESTIAL BREAKFAST. 
 
 With his wife and all his children, 
 With his Juno and the babies, 
 Sat one morning eating breakfast. 
 On his feet he had his slippers. 
 On his lap he laid his napkin, 
 In his hand he held the paper, 
 Looking at the " City Items ;" 
 To his lips he raised the buckwheat 
 Pancakes, dripping with molasses — 
 To his lips he raised the coffee. 
 Throwing back his head celestial, 
 Opening wide his jawbones godlike, 
 Showed the winding pathway for it. 
 Saying to it — " Run down this way." 
 
 From a shelf within a closet, 
 Taking down his pipe of comfort. 
 With its bowl of yellow meerschaum, 
 With its stem of india-rubber, 
 And its mouth-piece made of ivory ; 
 Filled the bowl with best tobacco, 
 
JUPITKR SUBMISSIVE. 29 
 
 Breathed upon a lump of charcoal, 
 
 Till, in flames, it burst and kindled — 
 
 Then, in meek obedience to that 
 
 Superstition of the ladies, 
 
 That tobacco scents the curtains, 
 
 Mister Jupiter, the mighty, 
 
 As a signal to the kitchen 
 
 That he had devoured his breakfast. 
 
 And they might wash up the dishes. 
 
 Walked out doors into the woodshed. 
 
 There to smoke his pipe of comfort. 
 
 O'- r — 
 
 Supttcr, a« terriblf, gmokctfj gc ilHccrscIjaum in gc ffiSEootig^etiUe, 
 
 In the woodshed, on the slop-pail. 
 In his slippers and his shirt-sleeves ; 
 
30 WHAT THE INDIANS DID N'T SEE. 
 
 With one leg across the other 
 
 In the style of Mrs. Bloomer, 
 
 At the Woman's Rights Convention, 
 
 Mister Jupiter sat smoking : 
 
 And the smoke rose fast and faster, 
 
 As he sat there puffing, puffing. 
 
 Like a furious locomotive — 
 
 A celestial locomotive. 
 
 First a single line of darkness. 
 
 Then a denser, bluer vapor. 
 
 Ever rising, rising, rising 
 
 Till it touched the roof above him. 
 
 And rolled outward through the chink-holes. 
 
 But the nations did n't see it, 
 And the Indians couldn't see it, 
 Or the warriors wouldn't see it. 
 If they did, they did n't mind it. 
 They had other things to look to. 
 For the Delewares and Mohawks, 
 All the Shoshonies and Blackfeet, 
 
WHAT JUPITER DID SEE. 31 
 
 All the Pawnees, and OmawhawSj 
 With their squaws and their pappooses, 
 Had their hunting grounds deserted, 
 To attend a grand convention, 
 Ked repubhcan mass-meeting, 
 Which you '11 lind, described in detail. 
 In the " Song of Hiawatha." 
 Hiawatha gave them tickets 
 Over all the lakes and rivers, 
 So they all went free, as deadheads. 
 
 Through the window of the woodshed, 
 Through the smoke so thick and solid, 
 Through his spectacles so clouded, 
 Through his little kitchen-garden, 
 Through the shadows of the beanpoles, 
 Mister Jupiter, the mighty. 
 Saw a maiden coming toward him. 
 
 To his feet, at once, he started — 
 Threw the slop-pail in a corner. 
 Threw his spectacles far from him, 
 
WHAT HE DID. 
 
 Threw his pipe into the ashes, 
 Threw his slippers through the window — 
 Through this smoke, and through the doorway, 
 Through the alley, through the garden. 
 He went rushing forth, to meet her. 
 
 Then and there he met and kissed her. 
 
 Supiter, a^ STfjuntJerer, cmfiracct^ ge ganfttc (SotitJWB America. 
 
 Then and there he long embraced her, 
 Looking backward toward the kitchen, 
 TrembHng lest his wife should see him. 
 Little fear of that, however, 
 For his spouse was in the parlor, 
 With her hair put up in papers. 
 With her feet in ragged slippers. 
 
WHO THE LADY WAS. 33 
 
 With a torn and dirty dress on, 
 Studying the latest fashions. 
 
 Who then, was this stranger maiden ? 
 Who was this pedestrian female ? 
 
 Hear ye ! hear ye ! patient reader : 
 This fair lady was a goddess, 
 Dressed in deerskin shoes and leggins, 
 Dressed in wampum, beads, and feathers— 
 Quite a quishy looking goddess, 
 Still a goddess without question. 
 Miss America her name was, 
 And she used to live in heaven, 
 In the ancient, heathen heaven, 
 Till she had a " muss" one evenino- 
 Had a Httle row with Juno, 
 And was forced to leave those "diggins/* 
 
 Jupiter on earth had placed her — 
 Made her ruler of the nations. 
 Made her mistress of the redskins, 
 Queen of all the tribes of warriors : 
 
S4 
 
 SAVAGE COOKERY. 
 
 Made her queen of all the country, 
 All the continent so mighty, 
 Which was named from her cognomen, 
 Named America, the glorious.* 
 
 For awhile her reign went smoothly. 
 And her amiahle subjects 
 Shot, and killed, and scalped each other. 
 Roasted, broiled and stewed each other 
 With most excellent good-nature, 
 To her utmost satisfaction : 
 
 * There is a ridiculous story that this country was called America 
 from one Americus Yespucius, a foreigner, and a papist. The 
 friends of " Sam" will, undoubtedly, feel much obliged to the author 
 for his vindication of the fair name of the continent. 
 
A woman's complaint. 36 
 
 Then she liked their sports and pastimes, 
 
 Much enjoyed her situation. 
 
 But she now returned to heaven, 
 
 Seeking Jupiter, the mighty. 
 
 What she came there to complain of. 
 
 What she said, and what she wanted, 
 
 You shall hear if you'll be patient. 
 
 g' fa&orite anti innocent pastimes of gf gentle Salfaages. 
 
 Mister Jupiter, the mighty, 
 Quick returning to the woodshed, 
 On his lap took up the lady, 
 Bade her tell him all her story. 
 Thus she spake, with tears, and sobbing, 
 "All the Indians whom you gave me, 
 
36 DITTO, WITH VARIATIONS. 
 
 Have cleared out and left the country, 
 When the poet, Henry Wadsworth, 
 Wrote the song of Hiawatha, 
 He took all my Indian subjects, 
 
 gf berg raparfous f^enrg ailjucts a^ Salbagrs from 
 2^ tiaconsolate amerira. 
 
 All my pretty, playful warriors, 
 With their toys, the knife and war-club. 
 With their pretty games of scalping, 
 And their pleasant sports of roasting, 
 And their other torture-pastimes, 
 Took them all to make a book of. 
 
SAME SUBJECT CONTINUED. 37 
 
 All the Indians have departed, 
 All the land is now deserted ; 
 In it there is not a warrior, 
 Not a squaw, pappoose, or pnppy ; 
 Nothing left— save Indian summer- 
 He's got all my Indians somewhere." 
 Speaking thus, she put her finger 
 In her mouth, as little children 
 Always do when grieved and troubled, 
 Then began to sob and blubber. 
 
 gf mntie lupiter spfaftftf) toitf) mucf) l3rofuntiita to 8^ inquiring ^mmra, 
 
 Mister Jupiter, the mighty. 
 In his arms then took the maiden, 
 Talked to her in tones endearing, 
 
38 JUPITER CONSOLES THE LADY. 
 
 Talked to her in tender accents, 
 Talked to her as human mothers 
 Do to peevish human babies. 
 "Don't it cry^ the darling Ducky, 
 
 Qmtrfca, ieinjj muc]& affecteU, toipet^ fjcr nasal ©r^an inft^ s' ^pron. 
 
 Henry Wadsworth sha'n't abuse it : 
 
 It shall have some pretty playthings. 
 
 Let the naughty Henry Wadsworth 
 
 Have the ugly, nasty Indians, 
 
 For his song of Hiawatha, 
 
 You shall have some handsome white men, 
 
 From across the boundless ocean, 
 
 Who shall be your pets and playthings. 
 
 Dry its eyes now^ Ducky dearest. 
 
 Kiss papa, and then run homeward." 
 
SHE VANISHES 
 
 Then the maiden stopped her crying, 
 Wiped her nose upon her apron, 
 On her spotted doeskin apron ; 
 Kissed old Jupiter, the mighty, 
 Slyly, so his wife, so jealous, 
 Shouldn't find it out and scratch him — 
 Then ran back to earth to wait for 
 The fulfillment of the promise. 
 And old Jupiter, the mighty. 
 As he sat upon the slop-pail. 
 Looking through the unwashed window, 
 Saw her vanish through the garden, 
 
 Supitfr, b' mucf} regpectelr, ioitneesttf) s' PepartuTe of a' <Satit}tss 
 America. 
 
 Through the shadows of the bean-poles. 
 Through the clouds of smoke, ascending, 
 Rising from his pipe of comfort. 
 
II. 
 
 ®|,a tmm, anb M)m |e ante torn. 
 
 N the sea-shore stood the 
 Goddess, 
 Stood America, the Goddess, 
 Swearing, in good Bowery English, 
 Fearful oaths of direst vengeance — 
 Vengeance on the recreant Indians, 
 
A STUMP SPEECH. 41 
 
 Vengeance on the painted redskins, 
 Vengeance on them "all and several, 
 From the burly, bowleg chieftain 
 To the puling, bowleg baby. 
 
 Thus ran her soliloquizing — 
 (Minus all the execrations), 
 " Traitor Injun ! you're a blackguard, 
 Thus to leave a ^love lorn woman,' 
 Leave an 'unprotected female' 
 To the mercy of the wildcats. 
 When the poet, Henry Wadsworth, 
 Has sold out his last edition 
 Of the song of Hiawatha, 
 He will have no more of Injuns ; 
 He will send you trooping homeward. 
 Then, when you approach these borders, 
 I will give you such a welcome. 
 Such a welcome as you read of 
 When the white-man comes — the pale-face, 
 In his great canoe with pinions, 
 
42 THREATS OF VENGEANCE. 
 
 From the regions of the morning, 
 From his home across the ocean, 
 I shall tell him all the story, 
 Story of the Injun blackguards. 
 He shall burn your towns and wigwams, 
 He shaU plow your grounds of hunting. 
 He shall fell your woods and forests. 
 Slay your weakened, warring nations, 
 Drive them westward to the river. 
 Drive them westward to the ocean ; 
 Feast his dogs upon your corpses. 
 Make your bones up into toothpicks, 
 Into fine-tooth combs and tooth-picks. 
 
 gE SToottjpUfef. 
 
OPPOSITION INDIANS. 43 
 
 I will show him, in the country, 
 
 Things that you have never thought of, 
 
 You red rascals never dreamed of. 
 
 He shall make this wide-spread country 
 
 Such a cultivated country, 
 
 That you red-skins will be 'nowhere.''' 
 
 Thus this young, sweet-tempered maiden 
 Paced along the sandy sea-shore, 
 Waiting for the coming pale-face ; 
 Talking to the absent Injun, 
 Swearing at the blackguard "Injun," 
 Shaking both her fists in anger 
 At the "Injun," and at Henry 
 Who had "cabbaged" all her "Injuns" 
 For his song of Hiawatha. 
 
 For across the bouncing ocean. 
 On a self-conceited Island, 
 Dwelt the tribe of Pil-grim-fath-us. 
 Strong were they in pluck and courage, 
 Strong were they in bone and sinew. 
 
44 THE PILGRIM MARTYRS. 
 
 Strong were they in nerve and muscle^ 
 Strong were they in will and firmness, 
 Strong in stanchness and reliance : 
 But they always came out strongest 
 On the question of Eeligion. 
 They had their peculiar notions 
 Of the future state of mortals ; 
 Had their own ideas of Tophet, 
 Had their own ideas of Satan ; 
 Differing from the other churches. 
 So the opposition Christians 
 Tried to turn them, and convert them 
 To the opposition doctrines — 
 Tried to drive them into heaven, 
 By a path which did not suit them. 
 So they had to leave the country, 
 And as martyrs, injured martyrs 
 Persecuted sea-sick martyrs. 
 In a big canoe — the Mayflower — 
 Sculled themselves across the ocean, 
 
WHO THE BOSS PILGRIM WAS. 45 
 
 Reached their place of destination, 
 Landed on the rocky sea-shore. 
 
 S' persecuteH ipilgrim jragtfj'.ts rross gf terrible offaii to a<^ nciu dountrU. 
 
 Chief among these seedy martyrs, 
 Chief of these amphibious martyrs, 
 Of the tribe of Pil-grim-fath-us ; 
 First at prayer, at praise, at dinner, 
 Was the captain, Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
 He it was who held the painter, 
 Held the painter of the yawl-boat ; 
 He it was who held the boat-hook, 
 Standing in the foremost yawl-boat ; 
 He it was who dropped the painter, 
 He it was who dropped the boat-hook, 
 He it was who left the yawl-boat. 
 
46 THE BOSS PILGRIM LANDS. 
 
 Jumped lip to his waist in water, 
 Wetting both his boots and breeches, 
 Waded through the floating sea-weed, 
 
 ILanlrtng of gf ffrsstf gtlgrfm. 
 
 Braving all the crabs and lobsters, 
 Struggled, screeching, sprawling, straddling, 
 Splurging, spattering and splashing, 
 
EXIT OF THE GODDESS. 47 
 
 Till he stood on solid gravel — 
 Stood, the first, upon the sea-shore. 
 
 Here America received him 
 With a complicated court'sey, 
 Showed him the surrounding country, 
 Showed him all the wide-spread country, 
 Led him all about the country. 
 Gave him, ere she parted with him. 
 Quit-claim deeds of all the country ; 
 Then she left him in possession, 
 And went off about her business. 
 
 What her business was, don't ask me • 
 Where she went to, do not ask me ; 
 How she got there, do not ask me ; 
 When she died, or whom she married, 
 I don't know ; so don't you ask me. 
 Off she went, and left him standing 
 There upon the sandy sea-shore ; 
 And the setting sun was shining 
 On his black and seedy breeches, 
 
48 SOLILOQUY OF THE HERO. 
 
 Fastened at his knees with ribbonSj 
 On his shoes, with silver buckles, 
 On his hat, so tall and steeply, 
 Like the Tribune's news reporters : 
 
 gf correct anti autljcntir portraits of gc Beportfrs of gc jJCriliunf. 
 
 And the sun continued shining, 
 Poured its golden rays upon him. 
 To baptize the new born nation. 
 Wouldn't go to bed and leave him, 
 Till it saw the country's christening. 
 Thus spoke Pluri-bus-tah, solus, 
 " Glorious country ! new found country ! 
 Country yet unknown and nameless ! 
 I will call you — I will name you 
 
THE CHRISTENING. 
 
 49 
 
 From myself, your future master — 
 From my cognomen euphonic. 
 Hail ! thou land of Pluri-bus-tah ! 
 Reign here ever, Pluri-bus-tah ! 
 
 38« ffioWiwa america ttaMetf) tofearti sutftio&jn anU leaflet^ ^lurtfiugta^ 
 to ^t0 ofon n&ecttons. 
 
Ill 
 
 t tmmber 0n^— to|0 ^m^X to|0 M^J, ani 
 Ij0to matig xm atoj. 
 
 gf toag tn fcljic^ 2^ IPtlflrfnt jfajitfiug punisi^clj gf 
 ^alljagcs. 
 
 HUS the tribes of Pil-grim fa- 
 
 thifs 
 Left their native moth^. country, 
 In their big canoe, with pinions, 
 
ADVANTAGES OF THE COUNTRY. 61 
 
 And were borne across the ocean. 
 To the land of Pkiri-bus-tah — 
 Found a land to preach and pray in, 
 With no opposition Christians 
 Who would bother or disturb them. 
 
 Here was freedom of opinion, 
 Here was liberty of action^ 
 Here they might kneel down in prayer, 
 On the sand, and on the gravel, 
 On the sea-weed and the clamshells, 
 Till these last testaceous relics 
 Cut their breeches into tatters. 
 They appreciated freedom, 
 And they liked their new-found country ; 
 So they straight began to clear it, 
 Fit it for a nation's cradle, 
 For their children's home hereafter. 
 Following their sturdy captain, 
 Brawny, stalwart, Pluri-bus-tah, 
 They went forth into the forests. 
 
52 HIS TWO FRIENDS. 
 
 Forth, into the hills and mountains, 
 Doing Pluri-bus-tah's bidding, 
 Doing just what he commanded. 
 
 Pluri-bus-tah took his coat off, 
 Took his tall and steeply hat off, 
 Rolled his shirt-sleeves to his elbows, 
 Took his friends, the Ax and Rifle, 
 
 " g« Si anti g^ ©uirne." 
 
 As his aids to tame the country 
 For the Indians, returning 
 From the Hiawatha meeting, 
 Now began to give him trouble. 
 And to fill his wide dominions. 
 
ROMANTIC INDIANS. 53 
 
 Fierce and cruel were these red men : 
 Hiawatlia's deadhead tickets 
 Only thither paid their passage, 
 Thither to his great convention ; 
 And the disappointed warriors 
 Had to work their passage homeward, 
 They were therefore very savage. 
 Very ugly were these red men, 
 Clothed in furs, and skins and feathers, 
 Armed with tomahawks and war-clubs. 
 Scalping knives, and bows and arrows, 
 Also other dire inventions. 
 Which at present I can't think of. 
 
 Mr. Cooper says these red men 
 All were daring, brave, and noble, 
 Frank, and honest, open-hearted, 
 Gentlemanly, proud, and stylish ; 
 All were tall, and straight, and handsome, 
 Handsome, marriageable warriors ; 
 So that all romantic maidens. 
 
54 SENTIMENTAL YOUNG LADIES. 
 
 Who read Mr. Cooper's novels, 
 And the song of Hiawatha, 
 Think how nice 'twould be to marry 
 With some noble Indian Chieftain — 
 Liv© with liim upon the prairies, 
 
 ^2 .Salbage of Tomauncc. 
 
 Live with him within the forest, 
 Sleep, at night, beside his camp-fire, 
 And have little Indian babies. 
 
 Pluri-bus-tah, found them different 
 None of Mr. Cooper's heroes 
 In his neighborhood resided ; 
 
INDIANS AS THEY ARE. 65 
 
 But the red men Pluri-bus-tah 
 Found upon his timbered country- 
 Were not all attired in feathers 
 Feathers of the screaming Eagle; 
 Were not handsome as he-angels, 
 Nor as honest as they should be ; 
 
 gf rt'stt natural Salbage from nature. 
 
 But they dressed in dirty breech-clouts ; 
 Striped their noble faces over 
 With vermilion and red ochre, 
 Till they looked like Dr. Watsoii s 
 Temple of the " Holy Zebra." 
 
 And these same romantic red men 
 Stole all Pluri-bus-tah's whiskey, 
 
56 PLURIBUSTAH ARGUES WITH HIS FOES 
 
 Stole his guns, and stole his horses ; 
 
 And, besides these little foibles, 
 
 Had an inconvenient fashion 
 
 Of igniting all his wigwams ; 
 
 Boasting, in the flames, his women, 
 
 While they killed and scalped his children. 
 
 Pluri-bus-tah didn't like it. 
 
 So he thought that he would coax them, 
 
 Coax these red, romantic Indians 
 
 To depart and leave the country 
 
 Free to him and his descendants. 
 
 And our hero brought such reasons, 
 
 In his argument, to back him. 
 
 And his words were so persuasive. 
 
 And his reasons so convincing, 
 
 That the red men all departed. 
 
 Save a number of the boldest, 
 
 Biggest, ugliest of the chieftains. 
 
 Who had reasons for remaining, 
 
BEFORE WITNESSES. 
 
 57 
 
 HL^t xensan tofia 8^ Salvages rnnafnetJ. 
 
 Liberty, another Goddess, 
 Roaming, with her sister Justice, 
 Through the land in search of pleasure, 
 From a distance saw this meeting ; 
 Came and sat upon the corner 
 Of a rail-fence round a corn-field : 
 Bringing also her relation, 
 Who sat on the fence beside her. 
 
 As these amiable ladies 
 Sat upon the nearest angle 
 Of the worm-fence, close together. 
 Young Miss Liberty reached over 
 To Miss Justice, who was blindfold ; 
 Lifted from her eyes the bandage, 
 
68 SPEECHES BY THE FEMININE DELEGATION, 
 
 So she, too, could see the pastime. 
 Then they clapped their hands together, 
 Cheering on the valiant hero. 
 " Give the red men Goss \" said Justice ; 
 Give them fits, brave Pluri-bus-tah ! 
 Take your stand in yonder forest. 
 Where their arrows can not hit you, 
 Where their tomahawks can't hurt you. 
 Where their scalping-knives can't reach you. 
 Thence, in safety, you can shoot them. 
 With your rifle you can kill them/' 
 
 ge (KotJtiegses looft at a* irtg^t- 
 
 Liberty the cry re-echoed : 
 " Give the red man Goss !" she told him ; 
 "Drive him westward from the forest, 
 
CONCLUSION OP THE ARGUMENT. 
 
 l).rive him westward from the prairie, 
 Drive him westward to the mountain, 
 Drive him westward to the ocean, 
 Then beneath the waves submerge him. 
 Chase him from his grounds of hunting, 
 Chase him from his father's ashes. 
 Chase him west, with fire and fagot, 
 Chase him into the Pacific. 
 Give him Goss ! for he 's no business, 
 Business none, to be an Injun." 
 
 Pluri-bus-tah, thus encouraged, 
 Soon persuaded all the warriors 
 To depart and leave his clearing; 
 Then he turned, to ask the ladies 
 To the house to get some hoe-cake ; 
 But they both had started homeward, 
 Having had enough of pastime. 
 
 When our hero had possession 
 Of the land, for which he'd argued 
 With the red men in the forest^ 
 
60 BEGINNING OF THE SEQUEL. 
 
 Straightway, he commenced his business. 
 Set to work to right the blunders, 
 Which Dame Nature 'd fallen into. 
 When she first laid out the country : 
 For this lady's first arrangements 
 Didn't suit his views exactly. 
 So he chopped the forest trees down, 
 Then he cleared the rotting stumps off. 
 Then he filled the mountain dales up. 
 Then he bored the mighty hiUs through. 
 Thus he altered all the landscape, 
 Just to suit his Yankee notion. 
 
 On the mountain streams built saw-mills, 
 Then he dragged the lofty pine-trees. 
 Evergreen, and moaning pine-trees. 
 Trees which crowned the crag and mountain. 
 Emerald coronal of mountain, 
 Pride of the primeval forest, 
 Glory of the tangled forest, 
 Mighty giants of the wild- wood, 
 
FLY-TIME. 61 
 
 Towering, vegetable giants, 
 With a hundred arms to battle, 
 Battle with the mighty Storm- Wind ! 
 
 These the valiant Pluri-bus-tah, 
 Armed with ax, went out to conquer. 
 Bound their roots he made his ax fly 
 Bound his head he made the chips fly, 
 On his breeches made the pitch fly. 
 While the horse-fly, and the gad-fly 
 Made his pious oaths, like mad, fly. 
 
 4i 
 
 Sfjoim'ng to&j fje cuttctf) a^ matte Exte, 
 
 Pluri-bus-tah, persevering. 
 Laid the giants low before him, 
 Dragged them to his cruel sawmiU, 
 
62 
 
 WHAT THE PEOPLE DID. 
 
 Sawed their heads off, sawed their hearts out, 
 Sawed them into slabs and scantling, 
 To make wigwams for his people. 
 
 And his tribe kept on increasing, 
 Building villages and cities, 
 Widening cow-paths into post-roads. 
 Building boats upon the rivers, 
 Sending ships across the ocean, 
 Making forts, and arming soldiers, 
 Training men, and getting ready — 
 Keady to fight all creation. 
 
 JEnljfcati&e of a^ baag fn tofjicfj g^ pilgrim jTaatfjus 6utU s^ forte antJ 'kiMs g? 
 55aI6ag«g» 
 
lY 
 
 fy\\ number ttoa— Ir^to mm mnis, an& 
 tmMt tmt to timt 
 
 UHL Brittania, a lady 
 Who resided on the 
 
 sea-shore, 
 On the other side the 
 
 ocean : 
 Who was mistress of the 
 island, 
 
 Of the self-conceited island, 
 Whence the tribe of Pil-grim-fath-us, 
 In the Mayflower, had departed — 
 
 33rittanta 2^ matte ©uran, anti u^ terrible 
 ILsott on 2^ 85o« of a« ©cean. 
 
64 A FAMILY QUARKEL. 
 
 Who was Pluri-bus-tah's mother, 
 But who ever had denied it, 
 Till she saw him well and thriving, 
 Then her truant son remembered. 
 Pluri-bus-tah, glad to see her, 
 Treated her with love and kindness : 
 But, one evening, in a frolic, 
 He, to play a joke upon her. 
 Mixed her tea with salt sea-water. 
 She, however, hke the modern 
 Yankee poet, K. N. Pepper, 
 "Didn't sea the goak," but, straightway 
 Fell into a furious passion — 
 Threatened she would spank her offspring, 
 Spank our hero, Pluri-bus-tah ! 
 He, however, still remembering 
 That she set him up in business 
 (Though, in truth, she didn't know it, 
 And would sooner, far, have starved him). 
 Took the matter rather easy. 
 
A FAMILY QUARREL. 65 
 
 But at last, he "got his grit up" — 
 " Up to concert pitch/' and higher ; 
 And he swore eternal vengeance, 
 If she didn't stop her jawing ; 
 Said he couldn't strike a woman, 
 But, if she would send a champion, 
 He would "wallop him like blazes." 
 
 So Brittania, his mother, 
 Sent her other son to whip him ; 
 His big brother, Johnny Taurus, 
 Who should punish him severely. 
 
 2« correct likeness of jE ^Taurus, from gf sfeetcf) in possession 
 of 2^ JBurljam famglie. 
 
 When he saw his foeman cominsr, 
 Pluri-bus-tah felt his dander 
 Kising, rising, rising, rising ; 
 
66 PREPARATIONS FOR A 
 
 And his heart was hot within him, 
 Like a heated brick his heart was. 
 Out he strode into the meadow, 
 At each stride a rod he measured ; 
 And he journeyed on, and onward, 
 Left his wigwam far behind him ; 
 In his hand a rope he carried, 
 With some stakes, an ax and tape-line ; 
 When he reached the distant meadow, 
 He let down the bars and entered. 
 There he built a " ring,'' according 
 
 Si&o&jtttg 5obJ ge ^lurifiusta^, ntucF) mittts, fiutit a^ rfng. 
 
 To the laws of British " Fane/'— 
 Built a ring with ropes and saplings. 
 For his fight with Johnny Taurus. 
 
SHIET-SLEEVE DUEL. 67 
 
 Liberty, had, from a distance, 
 Seen this muss of Pluri-bus-tali — 
 Seen him, with his ax and tape-line, 
 Working in the distant meadow, 
 Building there the ring for battle. 
 
 On came Johnny and his mother, 
 For his mother came to back him. 
 There to see fair play and honor. 
 In the battle with his brother. 
 And she brought her Lion with her, 
 As a pleasant seat to sit on ; 
 Which should keep her feet from wetting 
 In the damp and swampy meadow. 
 Liberty could hold no longer. 
 When she saw the trio coming. 
 Three to one, she thought wa'n't honest; 
 So she hurried down to offer 
 Aid and help to Pluri-bus-tah. 
 Then she caught the golden Eagle, 
 Caught the "bird of Jove," the Eagle, 
 
68 THEY SQUARE OFF 
 
 Made him perch upon her shoulder, 
 With the bird she took her station, 
 In the ring with Pluri-bus-tah^, 
 There to watch the coming battle. 
 
 Then began the deadly conflict, 
 Hand to hand, of skill and science. 
 Liberty, the "fair-play" maiden, 
 Stood beside our Pluri-bus-tah, 
 Stood there as his bottle-holder. 
 Every round with anguish watching — 
 Holding hat, and coat, and neckcloth — 
 Cheered him when he felt downhearted, 
 Cheered him with her words of comfort. 
 Cheered him with the promised future. 
 Cheered him with her sweet caresses. 
 Cheered him with the brandy bottle, 
 When he felt his strength declining. 
 
 Seven long years the battle lasted, 
 Seven long years our Pluri-bus-tah 
 Fought with Mr. Johnny Taurus, 
 
AND GO IN. 69 
 
 'Twas a rough and tumble combat, 
 Neither yielding to the other. 
 Johnny had his Ma to back him, 
 The old Lady stood behind him, 
 Urging him to prove courageous. 
 Prove himself a lad of spirit. 
 Pluri-bus-tah, he was fighting 
 With a " handsome gal" beside him, 
 And was bound to win the battle, 
 Win the fight, or die a-trying. 
 
 Seven long years they banged each other, 
 Battered, bruised, and mauled each other, 
 Sometimes, standing up and giving 
 Mutual knocks, with skill and science, 
 Like the Poole and Baker "Artists" — 
 Then again, like rowdy " Suckers," 
 " Sailing in," without regard to 
 Any of the laws of "Fancy." 
 Wrestling, scratching, kicking, biting, 
 Rolling on the ground and gouging, 
 
70 THE LAST ROUND. 
 
 Biting at each other's noses, 
 
 Knocking at each other's grinders, 
 
 Till, at last, our hero whipped him 
 
 So his mother didn't know him, 
 
 Blacked his eyes, and bunged his nose up 
 
 Knocked his teeth out, caved his ribs in. 
 
 )^ ^ucfters anti 2^ Artistes. 
 
 Master Johnny lost his courage, 
 
 Cried " Enough," and yelled for mercy ; 
 
 Lay down on his back and hallooed, 
 
 Like Lord Forth, in the Crimea, 
 
 At the fight of Balaklava, 
 
 For his ma to come and take him 
 
 Home and put him in the cradle. 
 
 On that day Britannia's lion 
 Dropped his tail, and bowed his head down. 
 
THE VOYAGE HOMEWARD. 11 
 
 And has, ever since, been tamer 
 
 Than the lions of Yan Amburgh, 
 
 Or the lions of Herr Driesbach, 
 
 Or the lions down at Barnum's, 
 
 Who don't bite their master's head off. 
 
 Though they have him halfway swallowed. 
 
 When the fight, at last, was over, 
 Plnri-bus-tah rose rejoicing. 
 For he, too, was tired and weary ; 
 But he lifted Master Johnny 
 From the ground, and gently took him 
 Through the island, to the Battery, 
 Put him in a Jersey clam boat. 
 Put him in with his companions- 
 In the bow, the British lion. 
 In the stern, his ma, Britannia — 
 For a sail, the blood-red banner, 
 With the broad red cross of England. 
 He had neither bread nor whisky, 
 To sustain him, on his journey 
 
72 WHAT THE READER HAD BETTER DO, 
 
 Back to Britain and his people. 
 He must either eat the lion, 
 Or the lion must eat Johnny. 
 Whether he did eat the lion, 
 Or the lion did eat Johnny — 
 Whether each did eat the other, 
 Like the animals of story, 
 I don't know — ^you'd better ask them. 
 
 J8« 8Eauru», 33ritannta, ant! gf ILionne rrturuftfj to mrtru (EnglantJ. 
 
Y. 
 
 Ji |rH-l0be Carriage 
 
 . HEN the task at 
 c?;^ last was ended, 
 3^ And the handsome 
 three were fairly 
 Navigating home, toward Brit- 
 ain, 
 Pluri-bus-tah took his jacket 
 ¥iuri.iiug.taf)rcturnc«)to From the " handsome gal" who 
 
 ge JnigiriamE init^ s^ ofa* 
 
 ffct of i)tg affections. held it. 
 
74 WHAT WAS DONE 
 
 Dressed himself, and washed the blood off. 
 
 Homeward then walked Pluri-bus-tah ; 
 
 Pleasant was the landscape round him, 
 
 Pleasant was the air above him. 
 
 And the bitterness of anger. 
 
 Had departed wholly from him. 
 
 But his eyes were badly bunged up, 
 
 And his face was sadly battered ; 
 
 Yet, with Liberty, the maiden. 
 
 Who had been his bottle-holder. 
 
 Arm in arm, started homeward. 
 
 Through the swamps, and through the 
 meadows. 
 Over brush, and over fences, 
 "Wading creeks, and fording rivers. 
 Like the sons of old Virginia, 
 On they traveled, never tiring, ■'•" 
 Till they reached his farm and clearing, 
 Sat them down within his wigwam. 
 * See old song-book " Ole Virginny never tire." 
 
AFTEK THE BATTLE. 
 
 15 
 
 Here, he drank a mug of " lager/' 
 But the lady, being modest, 
 Took a glass of cool spring water, 
 " With a fly in,'' to revive her. 
 
 UifSu cf jic Sim. 
 
 After they had drunk together, 
 And had each a '^half a dozen 
 On the shell," by way of luncheon, 
 
76 
 
 WHAT THE LADY HADN'T AND 
 
 Each one felt a "sort of likin'' 
 For the other, and for marriage — 
 Felt a "passional attraction/' 
 As the " Free-love" people have it : 
 Which means — every girl have husbands, 
 Ten or twenty if she needs them, 
 All she wants if she can get them — 
 Every man, a score of women, 
 Every man a private harem. 
 Like the Mormons now in Utah. 
 
 ge J^ormoit father, ^^ rljiltireit antf gf mottcrs tj^crcof: 
 
 So Miss Liberty, the maiden, 
 With no dowry but her petti- 
 Coats, and other under garments, 
 "With no clothes but what she stood in 
 She, who, like our modern ladies, 
 Couldn't make a pie or pudding, 
 
WHAT SHE COULDN'T DO. 
 
 11 
 
 Couldn't mend a pair of breeches, 
 Couldn't darn a pair of stockings, 
 Could n't wasli the breakfast dishes ; 
 And unlikQ our modern ladies, 
 Couldn't play guitar, piano. 
 Lute, or flute, or even Jewsharp, 
 Couldn't work in fancy worsted 
 Dogs like mice, and cats like horses — 
 Men and mules so like each other, 
 None could tell, without inquiring. 
 Which was man and which was jackass, 
 
 Sampler fecrn fiiu- anti ranre. 
 
 Trees and houses, mills and mountains, 
 Of such curious conformation, 
 That no one, except the maker. 
 
78 WHAT THE GENTLEMAN AGREED TO DO 
 
 Knew the mountain from tlie windmill.'' 
 
 Liberty, thougli thus benighted, 
 
 Thus unfitted to be married, 
 
 Said she'd wed with Pluri-bus-tah, 
 
 Take him in the Free-love fashion 
 
 As her first impromptu husband. 
 
 Pluri-bus-tah, not behind-hand^ 
 Said he'd take the anxious lady, 
 Take her in the Free-Love fashion, 
 Take her, for a while, on trial. 
 This was Pluri-bus-tah's wooing, 
 Thus he won the bottle-holder, 
 Won the female bottle-holder, 
 Who had cheered him in the battle 
 Which he fought with Johnny Taurus. 
 
 This was Pluri-bus-tah's wedding, 
 And the old South Bell, at Boston, 
 Eang a loud and cheerful chorus — 
 
 *A lady's crochet -work is a thing of sucli curious designs and 
 appearance, that a disinterested observer can't often tell whether 
 it is intended for a landscape or a pigeon pot-pie. 
 
AND WHAT HE DID. 
 
 Pride and joy, and much thanksgiving, 
 And the peojDle swelled the chorus, 
 And the small boys yelled the chorus, 
 Chorus for this ancient bridal, 
 Chorus for this Free-love wedding:. 
 
 79 
 
 ^, 
 
 Jge J3fll H;at rang JorH; gc psful iuelcome. 
 
VI. 
 
 Mxi rt, mil &0to mm\ 
 
 to&at t\q toent k 
 
 j EAKS they lived in peace 
 together, 
 
 cometf, a*^ stranger.. ^ears they hved and loved 
 ^ each other. 
 
 Pluri-bus-tah strove to make her 
 Happy and contented with him — 
 
A GENERAL INVITATION. 81 
 
 Strove, with strong and honest action, 
 In the glorious cause of freedom, 
 Strove to make his wide-spread country 
 Freedom's home — where all the weary 
 And oppressed of every nation, 
 Should be welcome — welcome ever — 
 Welcome here to freedom's fireside. 
 
 Every morning Pluri-bus-tah 
 Went and stood upon the sea-shore, 
 On the sand upon the sea-shore. 
 Liberty stood there beside him. 
 Side by side they stood, and beckoned 
 To the East, and to the westward — 
 Called to every isle and country. 
 To the poor of every nation. 
 The oppressed of every nation. 
 Here to come with wife and children — 
 Come with cradle, bed and blankets, 
 Here to make their habitation. 
 Here to make their home forever. 
 
A LOUD CALL 
 
 "Come!" cried Pluri-bus-tah, calling 
 Till his voice awoke the echoes^ 
 Echoes of the air and ocean, 
 " Come, from king, and queen, and monarch, 
 Come, from autocrat and despot. 
 In the cabin, if you're wealthy. 
 If you ain't, take steerage passage : 
 Only come and bring the babies, 
 Bring the red-faced, squalling babies 
 Bring the squealing, squirming babies. 
 Bring the babies and their cradles. 
 Bring the brats and all their playthings. 
 Come and help me make improvements, 
 Come and help me dig my ditches, 
 Come and help me build my cities. 
 Make the brick and mix the mortar, 
 Carry hod and tend the mason. 
 Come and settle in my country, 
 Settle here and pay me taxes, 
 Settle here and you '11 be welcome, 
 If you '11 only pay me taxes." 
 
FROM BOTH THE PARTNERS. 
 
 Liberty, who stood beside him, 
 Then would call, but not so loudly. 
 Her acquaintance wan't extensive 
 In the various lands of Europe, 
 
 S3 
 
 gc footsteps of gc Cflt. 
 
 And in Asia, and " the rest of 
 Mankind." She had ne'er been heard of; 
 But she'd stand, and call as loudly 
 As her feeble voice would let her. 
 " Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye nations ! 
 I have leased this great Kepublic — 
 
84 WHAT SHE SAID THEN, AND 
 
 The United States, and Jersey, 
 For a term of years, to live in — 
 Live in with my Pluri-bus-tah. 
 I shall live with Pluri-bus-tah 
 Just so long as IVe a mind to. 
 If he shall become outrageous, 
 And run after other women, 
 I shall leave this Pluri-bus-tah, 
 For a home in the Pacific, 
 Probably in Nicaragua, 
 With the valiant Captain Walker. 
 But, at present, I'm a fixture. 
 In this infant Yankee nation. 
 And I shall be glad to see you 
 On the shore — be glad to greet yon- 
 Bid you welcome to the country." 
 Now it would not be becoming 
 For a lady thus to meet them. 
 Meet new-comers on the sea-shore ; 
 And if Liberty, this morning. 
 
WHAT SHE WOULD SAY NOW-A-DAYS. 85 
 
 Should, with truth, repeat the welcome, 
 She would speak somewhat in this way : 
 
 ^^I will now appoint my agents, 
 "Who shall stand at Castle Garden, 
 Who shall rob you of your money, 
 Take away your baggage from you. 
 Separate you from your children. 
 Send you one way, them another, 
 Send you off on unknown rail-roads. 
 Send them off on nameless steam-boats, 
 Send you all to divers dismal 
 Places you don't want to go to. 
 
 gc terrililf ^Sasgagfsmasijrr-; prrscrutf pC uiiprotectfti (Celt. 
 
 You shall there be met by swindlers. 
 Shoulder-hitters, baggage-smashers. 
 
86 NEPTUNE SENDS 
 
 And all kinds of shameless rascals, 
 Who, in one huge deputation, 
 Thieving, swindling deputation. 
 Shall await you, on your coming. 
 And shall fleece you at their leisure. 
 This shall be your fitting welcome 
 To the glorious land of Freedom."''' 
 Pluri-bus-tah, as aforesaid, 
 And his spouse, each pleasant morning, 
 Gave their pressing invitation 
 To the world, his wife and children. 
 Neptune, anxious to oblige them, 
 Sent a Mermaid with the message 
 Straight to Ireland and to Dutchland. 
 Barnum since has caught this Mermaid, 
 Whose great speed, on that occasion, 
 
 * From this passage, it is probable this poem was written before 
 the estabhshment of the emigrant depot at Castle Garden. Before 
 that time, however, this description was fulfilled with the most 
 scandalous exactness. It is believed that those persons who for- 
 merly made a living by robbing emigrants have, since their busi- 
 ness was broken up, been appointed on the City PoHce, 
 
A MERMAID. 87 
 
 Spread her jaws and wore her tail off; 
 But the Show-man's genius led him 
 To attempt to splice a codfish 
 To the waist of this fair maiden, 
 That he might her life recover. 
 
 g^ poetic Jttita. of je iHcrmait!. 
 
 Though he caught her on the instant, 
 While her jaws with life were gaping, 
 While her pretty fins were wriggling. 
 While her pretty eyes were winking. 
 While her bosom yet was throbbing. 
 While her breast was fall of heart-beat. 
 And her mouth was full of sea-weed — 
 
88 WHAT BARNUM DID WITH HER 
 
 Though with skill he sewed the codfish, 
 Sewed with silk and finest needle ; 
 Though he took the smallest stitches, 
 And with dirty wax concealed them 
 From the prying, curious public, 
 She died, she did, the fishy lady ; 
 And the people now may see her 
 At the Museum, in a bottle. 
 
 gf original ants authentic iKErmaiti, from gc CToIlErtion of 
 gc great 33arnum. 
 
 Though a belle among her kindred, 
 Though she was a sea-green Mermaid, 
 Pea-green Mermaid, sap-green Mermaid, 
 
AND WHAT THE LITTLE BOYS DO. 89 
 
 She is now a scaly Mermaid; 
 And the children who behold her, 
 A' n't so green as was the Mermaid ; 
 But they wink at her, in passing, 
 And they put their skeptic fingers 
 On their unbelieving noses. 
 
 When the news had reached these 
 countries, 
 Carried by the luckless mermaid. 
 There was quite as much commotion 
 As when, once, " The Fairy Light Guard," 
 Advertised to visit Gotham. 
 And a huge Milesian army. 
 Every man named Pat or Murphy, 
 Each man with a wife prolific. 
 Each wife with a score of babies, 
 Came to settle in the country. 
 And ten thousand smoking Dutchmen, 
 Each man with his wife and babies. 
 And a dozen monstrous boxes, 
 
90 
 
 THE STRANGERS GET A JOB, 
 
 gf facritablt ©tiitorg of gf STriliunE auTJ gc unique corps of Ecpottfrs 
 look for gf JTatrr 1Lt(jf}t ©unrti. 
 
 Firmly bound with bands of iron, 
 Also came to see the country. 
 On the sea-shore stood our hero, 
 Welcoming the coming strangers. 
 They were hired by Pluri-bus-tah, 
 Hired to ditch and drain his marshes, 
 Plow his land, and tend his cattle. 
 
INTERNAL IMPROVEMENTS. 91 
 
 Some were conversant with digging, 
 Digging wells, and digging cellars : 
 Some were skilled in climbing ladders, 
 Bearing hods of brick and mortar. 
 Cutting stone, and hewing timber 
 For his forts, where Pluri-bus-tah 
 Might retire when danger threatened — 
 Danger from the ugly " Injuns," 
 Or from spiteful Johnny Taurus, 
 Who still bore in mind his thrashing 
 At the battle of the meadow, 
 And was always slyly watching 
 For a chance to "give him Jesse." 
 Thus, these foreigners, invited 
 By the loving Free-Love couple, 
 Came, and lived and thrived and flourished. 
 Thus through all the land they scattered. 
 Working, laboring, toiling, scheming. 
 Begging, stealing, fighting, drinking ; 
 Still the country thrived and flourished— 
 
92 AS WELL AS COULD BE EXPECTED. 
 
 Everybody thrived and flourished 
 In the land of Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
 piuri'bug'taf) conformetf) to a^ cogtutiw of gf pettoU. 
 
VII. 
 
 )0to t\t 1^0 ift a great mans tfeiitp, anJy 
 
 ILibertu, tittJ raise a^ jTIag of 
 JFrecliojn. 
 
 ANY years they 
 lived together, 
 Liberty and Pluri-bus-tah. 
 He made quite a decent 
 husband, 
 
94 ORIGIN OF THE AMERICAN FLAG. 
 
 Bragging much of his "old woman," 
 How she made his farm attractive, 
 How she managed all his people. 
 How she taught him Yankee Doodle, 
 Made him whistle Yankee Doodle. 
 And, so proud was he of having 
 Such a "gal" for his companion. 
 That he borrowed her red night-cap. 
 Liberty's old scarlet night-cap. 
 Stuck it on a pole, Hke Gesler's, 
 Made his people all swear by it. 
 And he took her petti-garment, 
 Garment blue, and striped and starry, 
 Nailed it just beneath the night-cap. 
 Swearing that should be his banner. 
 
 Thus they "lived and loved" together, 
 Thus they "loved and lived" contented 
 With themselves, with all creation. 
 Liberty was so enchanted 
 With her husband, Pluri-bus-tah, 
 
VISITORS. 05 
 
 With the land and with the nation, 
 
 With his fondness and devotion, 
 
 That she telegraphed her parents, 
 
 Living in the good old homestead, 
 
 In the old Arcadian farm-house, 
 
 Near the mansion with the woodshed, 
 
 Once before, herein, referred to ; 
 
 Telegraphed to send her sisters. 
 
 Peace and Thrift, to come and dwell there. 
 
 She would clothe them, she would board them. 
 
 Do their mending and their washing. 
 
 Had this city of Manhattan 
 Then been built, in working order, 
 She would, probably, have promised 
 She would show them round the city — 
 Take them up to Wood and Christy's, 
 Take them over to the Bowery, 
 Take them to the Broadway " Spout-shop," 
 Take them there to see Ned Forrest 
 Sprawl and splurge in Matamora— 
 
96 
 
 CITY CELEBRITIES. 
 
 gf Srcat JTorrrst as y^^ rcuotonrt Saliiase iKetamora, 
 
 Take them, next night, round to Burton's. 
 There to see the tipsy Toodle, 
 
 gc immense ISurton as j)C rcliaubtablc STaoWcB. 
 
 Then would take them both to Congress, 
 There to see the annual dog-fight, 
 See the fight of Honorables; 
 See the members knock each other, 
 Bruise each other, bang each other, 
 
THE VISITORS ARRIVE. 97 
 
 See the members gouge each other, 
 See the six-foot brawny members, 
 Keason with their six-inch pistols, 
 Hear them argue with their rifles. 
 And debate with three-foot bowies. 
 Take them to the Model Artists, 
 Take them to the Free-Love Union, 
 Put them on the special Free List, 
 Let them have the freest freedom; 
 If her "fogy" of a father 
 Would permit her darling sisters 
 Then to come and make a visit, 
 Visit her and Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
 And her sisters came to see her. 
 Came and brought their bag and baggage. 
 Brought their trunks and change of linen, 
 Doubtless meaning to remain there. 
 
 When the sisters saw each other. 
 They laid down their trunks and bundles, 
 Fell upon each other's bosoms, 
 
98 WHAT THEY DID, AND 
 
 Had a sweet embrace, three-handed, 
 In the orthodox stage fashion. 
 
 gf lofttlg anti acrompIisfxiJ ^I'stera Embrace. 
 
 But they soon recovered from it, 
 From this spasm of affection. 
 Picked up all their bags andbundles_, 
 Kearranged their rumpled collars, 
 And, with pleasure in their faces. 
 Marched into the house to dinner. 
 
 What they had that day for dinner, 
 What the bill of fare included, 
 Do not ask, for I can't tell you. 
 But the ladies liked the dinner, 
 Liked their sister's fighting husband, 
 
HOW THEY LIKED IT. 99 
 
 Liked the looks of all the country, 
 
 And made up their minds to stay there. 
 Shortly they got fairly settled. 
 
 And began to look about them ; 
 
 Then they saw that Pluri-bus-tah 
 
 Was a man of strength and vigor, 
 
 Capable of great achievements, 
 
 But was ignorant and boorish, 
 
 Uninformed and uninstructed. 
 
 Peace determined she would teach him. 
 
 She would make him stop his fighting. 
 
 She would teach him and instruct him ; 
 
 Thrift resolved she would reheve him 
 
 Of the charge of all his acres, 
 
 And would work the farm without him. 
 
 Pluri-bus-tah, nothing lothful 
 To their plans, consented freely. 
 Daily toiled, a willing scholar; 
 Learned of Peace the great resources 
 Of the country — ^his dominion. 
 
100 HARD WORK, AND 
 
 Learned of her what strength and power 
 Lay within his own hard sinews — 
 Learned of her to dig the coal-mine, 
 Learned to find the beds of iron ; 
 This he dragged unto his work-shop, 
 Dragged it to his smoky work-shop, 
 There to learn its various uses, 
 Learn of Peace how he should use it. 
 
 ^e glurt'bus'taf) tmprobetf) fjimsclf in gc art0 anlr ge iEHanufactureg. 
 
 Toiling under her direction, 
 With the fire-fiend at his bidding, 
 And the wind to feed the fire-fiend, 
 With the hammer, forge, and anvil. 
 Years he toiled without cessation. 
 Here he wrought tremendous engines, 
 
PLENTY OF IT. 
 
 101 
 
 Whicli should bring him wealth and glory; 
 Here he made the mighty Mill-wheel, 
 Here the Loom, the Lathe, the Engine. 
 Here he built the Locomotive, 
 Here is where he tamed the Lightning, 
 
 ^uppogeU to fie ^e punHit 33. JFranMtn, fl?sq., astoni'ssteU 
 at s^ ILtg^tntng. 
 
 Gave the Storm-cloud its first lessons 
 In the peaceful art of writing ; 
 
102 SISTERLY LOVE. 
 
 Here is where he built the Steam-ship, 
 
 Here the Press, his greatest glory. 
 
 Thus it was that Peace, the gentle, 
 
 With her endless stores of wisdom, 
 
 Thus it was that Thrift, untiring, 
 
 Blessed the land of Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
 Thus it was the loving sisters, 
 
 Peace and Thrift, joined hands with Freedom, 
 
 Dwelt with Liberty, their sister. 
 
 In the land of Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
YIII. 
 
 ONG he toiled, with Peace 
 
 ^lufibus'taf) cipcrimcnting 
 
 toitfj ge ttrst Hocomotibc. tO help him, 
 
 .In the dim and smoky workshops, 
 Oft he viewed his vast dominion. 
 Striving for its best improvement 
 
104 YANKEE ENTEEPRISE AND 
 
 Having dotted all his country, 
 Full of thriving towns and cities, 
 He determined he would bind them 
 Firm, with iron bands, together ; 
 Iron roads for iron horses. 
 Iron bridges for his lightning 
 Which should run on errands for him. 
 He commenced his rail-road building — 
 Building monstrous locomotives ; 
 Through his land, in all directions. 
 Telegraphs and railroads made he ; 
 Leaving, in each distant corner. 
 Some memento of the lessons 
 And the wisdom Peace had taught him. 
 In the cities. Lathes and Foundries, 
 In the villages, great Factories, 
 And the Press in every hamlet. 
 By the streams, left spiteful Sawmills, 
 By the roads, the Forge and Anvil, 
 In the field, the Plow and Keaper, 
 
YANKEE BRAG. 105 
 
 By the sea-shore, Ships and Steamboats, 
 
 Wharves and Docks and sheltering Harbors; 
 
 Sending off huge fleets of shipping, 
 
 Far away to every country, 
 
 Far across the conquered ocean, 
 
 Carrying to the world his boasting. 
 
 This, his vegetable bragging, 
 
 Which he o'er and o'er repeated, 
 
 Oft, himself, his words encoring. 
 
 Chuckling to himself with pleasure, 
 
 Laughing with such vigorous pleasure, 
 
 That he often tore his breeches. 
 
 But of this he never wearied. 
 
 Wearied of this classic sentence — 
 
 " Pluri-bus-tah is some pumphins !" 
 
 ge gumpfeins. 
 5* 
 
IX. 
 
 HILE he had been toil- 
 ing, delving, 
 In his workshop, dim and 
 
 darksome, 
 cfjrtft firtngetf) a«^ sampifs of Thrift had kept her promise 
 
 Agricultural ^rotiurts. 
 
 truly, 
 And had managed well the acres, 
 Which to her he had intrusted. 
 She ha5 pinned her skirticoats up, 
 And had pulled her white kid gloves off. 
 
A FEMALE FARMER. 107 
 
 And liad put her wooden shoes on, 
 And, with plow, and drag, and harrow, 
 Spade, and hoe, and rake, and pitchfork, 
 She had gone into the country, 
 And had worked in truthful earnest. 
 
 She had plowed, and she had harrowed. 
 She had hoed, and raked, and spaded, 
 She had planted corn and cotton. 
 Wheat and rice, and canes for sugar, 
 She had raised broad-leafed tobacco. 
 And had saved the crop for Gilsey. 
 When she heard that Pluri-bus-tah 
 All his ships abroad was sending. 
 Then she formed her resolution ; 
 
108 WHAT SHE RAISED. 
 
 Turned her footsteps to the sea-shore, 
 There to talk with Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
 Of her crops she bore him samples, 
 In her arms she bore the samples, 
 On her back she bore the samples, 
 Had her pocket full of samples. 
 On her head a mammoth wash-tub, 
 Cedar wash-tub, full of samples : 
 Corn, tobacco, rice and sugar. 
 Beets and turnips, wheat and cotton, 
 Sugar-cane and sweet potatoes. 
 From her shoes up sprung the corn-plant, 
 From her head up sprung the hemp-plant, 
 From her hair down fell the grape-vine, 
 In her bosom, winter squashes. 
 In each hand a golden pumpkin, 
 In each eye a tear of pleasure. 
 In her ♦mouth a string of onions, 
 Unobjectionable onions, 
 Snowy, savory, silvery onions. 
 
AN INTERCEPTED HUG. 109 
 
 Thus she came to Pluri-bus-tah, 
 Standing on the sandy sea-shore. 
 Pluri-bus-tah, glad to see her, 
 Tried to greet her like a sister. 
 Tried to hug her, but the squashes 
 Kept his arms from going round her : 
 Tried to kiss her, but the onions 
 Of her mouth had got possession. 
 
 O 
 
 Plut{'8u3»ta5 in 2' fullness of Jjfs ijcart cmbracctf) a< proftttient CT^tift. 
 
 Of her load he soon relieved her, 
 Laid the samples on the sea-shore, 
 Made her take a seat beside him, 
 
110 A STORY, AND THE SEQUEL. 
 
 Made her sit upon a pumpkin 
 While she should relate her story: 
 Tell how she his farm had managed, 
 Tell him of the new improvements, 
 Tell him truly all about it. 
 And they sat upon the sea-shore, 
 On the pumpkins by the sea-shore. 
 
 ^luri.lius'tat Itstenctf) to ge naviatibe of a? probtUent €^tiU, 
 
 And she told him all the story, 
 Told him all she knew about it. 
 
 Then he yelled aloud with pleasure. 
 Then he loaded all his shipping. 
 All his sloops, and scows, and clam-boats, 
 All his ships, and barks, and schooners, 
 All his pilot-boats and steamers ; 
 
THE HERO VIEWS THE LANDSCAPE. Ill 
 
 Loaded them with these productions 
 Which industrious Thrift had brought him ; 
 Sent them off to various nations, 
 People who lived far beyond the 
 Kind, accommodating ocean. 
 And they sent to Pluri-bus-tah, 
 In return for his productions, 
 Gold and silver, plenty of it, 
 Just what Pluri-bus-tah wanted. 
 
 Then he climbed upon a mountain. 
 Took his station on a mountain. 
 With his hands stuck in his pockets. 
 With his legs stretched wide asunder, 
 Thence surveying all the landscape. 
 
 Thence he saw his iron rail-roads. 
 Thence he saw his monster steamers, 
 Thence he saw his matchless clippers, 
 Thence he saw his northern corn-fields, 
 Thence he saw his Southern rice-fields, 
 Saw them all stretched out before him. 
 
112 
 
 WHAT HE SAAV, AND 
 
 All the rail-roads, all the steamers, 
 All the scows, or tugs, or chppers, 
 All were bringing money, money, 
 Money home to Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
 PIutt»liU2»ta5 bkiaeff) gC iDorlU from s? mountatn-top, guppogrt to fie g^ 
 
 BrooWnn ^igfjts. 
 
 Bringing it from Northern corn-fields, 
 Bringing it from Southern rice-fields, 
 Bringing it from every country, 
 Every land, and state, and province ; 
 
HOW HE LIKED THE PROSPECT. 113 
 
 All were bringing money, money, 
 Money home to Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
 
 ^ponHulicfta, ox s^ ^i^' 
 
glurt'bus'taf) ifrom* 
 et^ abart'ctoug, anti 
 lobtti) ge ffltfjB lucre 
 muct. 
 
 X. 
 
 S the money 
 poured upon 
 him, 
 ,v'^ In a golden 
 stream upon 
 him, 
 Pluri-bus-tah came to love it, 
 Better, every day, and better. 
 As the pile kept on increasing, 
 So his love grew stronger with it. 
 And he loved his shining money, 
 
MODERN PIETY. 115 
 
 Better, every day, and better : 
 Better, soon, than truth or honor. 
 But he built his costly churches. 
 Chapels, altars, meeting-houses, 
 Through his land, in every hamlet, 
 Through his land, on every hill-side. 
 
 And in these he worshiped heaven. 
 Blacked with care his boots each Sunday, 
 Changed his shirt and put his coat on, 
 Shirt and piety together; 
 Keeping bright his Christian armor. 
 In the closet with his broadcloth. 
 With his Sunday boots and broadcloth. 
 
 And on each lamented Sunday, 
 Would put on both suits together. 
 With his boots, put on his bounty. 
 With his shirt, his zeal and fervor, 
 With his vest, his orthodoxy. 
 With his pants, pull on religion. 
 Tie his creed up in his neckcloth. 
 
116 ECONOMICAL CHRISTIANITY. 
 
 Thus would go to Christian service, 
 Sleeping through the prayers and sermon. 
 Yet at night he'd take his suit off, 
 Take his broadcloth Sunday suit off; 
 With it take his Christian zeal oh 
 Roll them carefully together, 
 Lock them in a drawer together ; 
 Never wearing suit of broadcloth, 
 Never putting on rehgion, 
 Save before the pious people, 
 For a dozen hours on Sunday. 
 
 Yet he worshiped truly, fondly, 
 With the most intense devotion. 
 Tireless, weariless devotion. 
 But the idol that he worshiped 
 Did not dwell with priests or pastors, 
 Seldom lived in Christian churches. 
 It was one that he had whittled 
 From a block of shining metal ; 
 Which he ever had about him, 
 
IDOL WOESHIP. IIT 
 
 In the bottom of his pocket, 
 
 Bottom of his deepest pocket. 
 
 And he bowed and knelt before it, 
 
 Not one day in seven only. 
 
 But each morning's early sunlight • 
 
 Brought the thoughts of this his idol. 
 
 And each night's uneasy slumber 
 
 Brought the dreams of this his idol. 
 
 And he bowed and knelt before it, 
 
 Daily, hourly, without ceasing — 
 
 As attentive to his idol 
 
 As are Branch and Briggs to Matsell. 
 
 In the street and in the market, 
 And in sanctimonious Wall-street, 
 On the wharves beside the sea-shore. 
 In the mud beside the sea-shore, 
 Here he knelt, and cringed, and groveled, 
 To the deity he worshiped. 
 
 Should you ask me, " What this idol ? 
 What this god that Pluri-bus-tah 
 
118 WHAT THE HERO WORSHIPED. 
 
 \^ potttrerous anlJ g^ m^iie (If)iff of police; gf man tljat tootttct^ a« 
 UuBtntEresteli SSriggs anlj 2^ iSarnacIc JSrantf). 
 
 Knelt before, and bowed and prayed to, 
 Prayed to with such zeal and fervor 
 That he cut his pantaloons through — 
 Cut his knees upon the gravel ?" 
 This should be my instant answer: 
 ^^ Money, money, money, money \" 
 Coppers, fips, and dimes, and quarters, 
 All received some veneration. 
 
HIS PRAYERS. 119 
 
 Some respect and veneration. 
 But the god he wildly worshiped, 
 Traded off his heart and soul for, 
 (As of old did Doctor Faustus, 
 Swapping jackknives with the Devil), 
 Was the king of dimes and quarters, 
 Was the god of Pluri-bus-tah. 
 And the prayers which he, on Sunday, 
 Offered to the King of Heaven, 
 To ^Our Father,' King of Heaven, 
 From his Hps fell strange and coldly. 
 But the week-day prayer he uttered, 
 Daily, hourly prayer he uttered. 
 From his heart came hot and earnest, 
 And the language run this wise : 
 ^ Potent, and Almighty DOLLAR '/ 
 
 On the face of this his idol. 
 He had placed the graven image. 
 Image and the superscription. 
 Of his wife, his Free-Love partner, 
 
120 HOW THE IDOL LOOKED. 
 
 Liberty, in scarlet-night-cap, 
 As, if living now, she might be 
 Photographed, full length, by Brady, 
 Graced the side of every dollar; 
 So that when he kissed his idol, 
 Liberty felt complimented, 
 Thinking it was her dear picture 
 Pluri-bus-tah loved so fondly. 
 
 Never maiden more mistaken, 
 Pluri-bus-tah loved the dollar, 
 Potent and "Almighty Dollar," 
 
 tngtic ©ollar. 5ftetcf)tli from a^ original in 2"^ possession of a fast aoung 
 man, bera rare anlj scarce, it being a'^ t^st one f)e l^tCO. 
 
 Dirty, filthy, greasy, DOLLAR ! 
 And he would have loved as truly, 
 
HOW THE LADY FLATTERED HERSELF. 121 
 
 Hugged as closely, kissed as fondly, 
 Had the female image on it 
 Been a dog, or been a jackass. 
 
XI. 
 
 |ig|t nmnte l\xn, toitir bariatos. 
 
 CP ELL, their honeymoon had 
 
 " lasted 
 
 ') Longer than had been ex- 
 / 
 
 pected. 
 
 [^ Fifty years had passed, and 
 
 left them 
 
 Better, firmer friends than 
 
 ever. 
 
 lPIuri.I.u0.taf,conquetett, g^ ^^^^^ ^^^^ ^ f^^j^^ 
 
 2^ <BIaritamoot. 
 
 quarrel ; 
 Pluri-hus-tah, on one morning. 
 Straying through his southern rice-fields, 
 Through his sugar-cane plantation, 
 
PLURI-BUS-TAH PONDERS. 123 
 
 Through the fields of snowy cotton, 
 
 Through his acres of tobacco, 
 
 Thought how many dimes they brought him. 
 
 But the thought of what they cost him, 
 
 What he paid for work and labor 
 
 ■Was a saddening reflection ; 
 
 And he turned the matter over, 
 
 Thought how he could be more saving, 
 
 Save the sum his broad plantations, 
 
 Yearly cost for work and labor. 
 
 portrait of gf JSIacftamooi. 
 
 As he cast his eye about him, 
 Sable Cuffee met his vision. 
 Cufiee was a powerful darkey, 
 
124 WHO CUFFEE WAS, AND 
 
 Rich in muscle and in sinew^ 
 Strong and vigorous and active ; 
 And his skull, like boiler iron, 
 And his hands, like legs of mutton, 
 And his feet, like small portmanteaus, 
 And his back, so broad and brawny, 
 Made him just the very person 
 To do Pluri-bus-tah's toiling, 
 In his Southern rice plantations. 
 Pluri-bus-tah pondered on it. 
 Pondered long upon the question ; 
 But, at lastj he made his mind up, 
 And resolved to conquer Cuffee, 
 Make him work and do his drudging. 
 But he didn't mean to pay him, 
 Pay him for his toiling labor. 
 That would be no speculation. 
 For he loved his darling dollars ; 
 And his thought was how to save them, 
 Keep them in his breeches pocket. 
 
PLUBI-BUS-TAH'S COGITATION. 
 
 He resolved to conquer Cuffee, 
 Make him work for him for nothing, 
 Make him work, or else he'd lick him. 
 
 Pluri-bus-tah then got ready; 
 For the battle then made ready ; 
 First took off his coat and jacket, 
 Put his boots on, rolled his sleeves up ; 
 Then he took a horn of whisky, 
 
 126 
 
 piurt'tus'taft caneni on q^ Spirits to gtrenat^en fjim in 2« Combat' 
 in a f)orn. 
 
 Old Monongahela whisky, 
 Whisky made of Indian corn-juice, 
 
126 A BLACK BATTLE. 
 
 Of the juice of the Mondainin, 
 Treated of in Hiawatha ; 
 Drank about a half a gallon^ 
 Then went out to fight with Cuffee. 
 
 Pretty soon he met with Cuffee, 
 Said, " Good morning to you, Cuffee ; 
 How are all the babies, Cuffee ? 
 How is pretty Mistress Cuffee T' 
 For a while he talked with Cuffee ; 
 Then he made a face at Cuffee ; 
 Then, at once, squared off at Cuffee, 
 Instantly "sailed into" Cuffee; 
 And he whaled away at Cuffee, 
 Injured and astonished Cuffee ! 
 Cuffee's shins were bruised and battered ; 
 Cuffee's ribs were sore and aching ; 
 Cuffee's wool was torn and tangled ; 
 Cuffee's head was mauled and pummeled 
 Till his eyes stuck out like onions, 
 And his nose looked like a sausage, 
 
CUFFEE CONQUEKBD. 
 
 Juicy sausage, damaged sausage. 
 And each lip looked like an oyster, 
 Like a huge, disfigured oyster ; 
 Like an oyster with the shell ofi*. 
 Cuffee yelled and begged for mercy, 
 Culfee yielded and was conquered. 
 
 127 
 
 Aingmat appearance antt ptrultar frprcssion g^ countenance jj^ i^Iacfeamoor 
 l)ati after 2^ set«to tottfj ^lurt«6us'ta5. 
 
 Then the victor, Pluri-bus-tah, 
 Fastened Cuffee's hands behind him, 
 Tied his huge feet close together, 
 Put him in a top-sail schooner, 
 "Toted" him "way down the river,'' 
 Put him on his rice plantations. 
 
128 pluei-bus-tah's victory, and 
 
 Made him hoe, and dig, and grub there ; 
 Told him if he did n't do it, 
 He'd come every day and thrash him, 
 Every morning after breakfast. 
 
 Should you ask me " What's the reason ?' 
 I should answer, I should teU you, 
 In the words of Pluri-bus-tah, 
 In the words he spoke to Cuffee, 
 "I am white, and I am stronger. 
 You are black, and you are weaker, 
 And, beside, you have no business. 
 And no right to be a nigger." 
 
 After this triumphant battle 
 Pluri-bus-tah started homeward, 
 Thrust his hands into his pockets, 
 And went whistling on his journey. 
 But the wonder in his mind was, 
 What would Liberty, his partner, 
 Say about this new achievement ? 
 Truly, he was slightly fearful 
 
HIS MISGIVINGS, 
 
 129 
 
 That she might rebel against it, 
 Make a row and scratch his eyes out. 
 
 fintJtcRtibe of s« faaa in tnfjic^ ^luri.bus.taf) eipecteti to lie rmtbeU bg 
 
 6* 
 
XII. 
 
 ilatrimonial (&ritimmt\\U—fy\t wmkx four. 
 
 ^'■' ORN had given way to night- 
 
 faU. 
 , It was growing dark and 
 darker, 
 I P|'. As he traveled, whistling, 
 homeward, 
 Thinldng. ruminating home- 
 ward. 
 Long the journey was and toilsome, 
 
 ^lurt'fius'tal) applt'ctf) gf 
 ni'glit'hfn iBitfj success. 
 
THE HERO GOES HOMK. 131 
 
 And 't was midnight, after midnight, 
 Ere he reached his modest mansion ; 
 Which he entered with his night-key, 
 With his surreptitious night-key. 
 
 Liberty had long been sleeping, 
 Dreaming, snoozing in her bedroom, 
 Dreaming about Nicaragua. 
 Pluri-bus-tah pulled his boots off, 
 Wound his watch, and hung his hat up, 
 Then he sat him down to ponder ; 
 In liis mind were some misgivings 
 That his wife'would raise a rumpus, 
 And that he had best be ready, 
 Ready for a curtain lecture. 
 For his spouse, thougii kind and gentle, 
 And most courteous before folks, 
 Calling him " my love,'' before folks. 
 When she got him in the bedroom, 
 And the door was closed behind them, 
 She was "some" on curtain-lectures. 
 
132 COGITATION. 
 
 As he sat there, thinking, pondering, 
 He beheld, within the closet 
 Near, his suit of Sunday broadcloth, 
 All his Seventh-day religion — 
 Truth, Benevolence, and Mercy, 
 Charity, and Love for Brethren. 
 Then he felt within his pocket, 
 Deep recesses of his pocket. 
 And from thence he drew his idol — 
 Drew a shining, silver Dollar. 
 At the sight his heart grew harder ; 
 At the sight his hand clenched firmer, 
 And Benevolence and Honor, 
 Charity, and all Keligion, 
 Faded into air before it. 
 
 Pluri-bus-tah still saw Cuffee 
 Drudging in the swampy rice-fields, 
 But he felt no touch of mercy. 
 Only felt the silver dollar. 
 Only saw his greasy idol. 
 
A DESPERATE RESOLVE. 133 
 
 And he thought upon his bargain, 
 Wherein he got all the winnings ; 
 Cuffee only blows and bruises. 
 Then he thought upon the profit, 
 Thought upon the pile of dollars 
 He should make by this transaction. 
 Then his conscience died within him, 
 Then his heart grew more courageous. 
 Then he marched into his bedroom, 
 Saw his wife asleep and snoring. 
 But he nerved himself to wake her, 
 Meaning there to stand and take it, 
 Stand and take her curtain-lecture. 
 She had gone to bed in anger. 
 Had tied on her blood-red nightcap, 
 EoUed the stars and stripes about her. 
 Wrapped the bed-clothes all around her, 
 So her husband should not get them ; 
 And she lay asleep and snoring, 
 With her gaping mouth wide open. 
 
134 SUAVITER IN MODO, 
 
 Pluri-bus-tah's courage failed him 
 When he saw the blood-red nightcap, 
 But he took another toddy, 
 Then one more, and cleared for action. 
 
 m 
 
 5PIurt'iiug.taf) not iai»])inQ to ainakc gf sleeping partner of jj^ 
 concern, trcatietf) ligfjtlg. 
 
 Softly, then the bed approaching, 
 With a hand as kind and gentle 
 As his nerves would then admit of, 
 He began to wake the lady. 
 Wake his wife, with fear and trembling. 
 First he shook her, softly speaking 
 In a low, caressing wliisper : 
 " Liberty, my Love : I want you ; 
 Want to tell you something, darling : 
 Wake and speak to Pluri-bus-tah." 
 All his words were unavailing, 
 
FORTITER IN RE. 131 
 
 For the lady kept on snoring. 
 
 He began to get impatient, 
 
 When he found he could n't wake her, 
 
 And he took to harsher measures. 
 
 First, he pulled the pillow-case off, 
 Then he snaked the stars and stripes off, 
 Then he jerked the feather-bed off, 
 Then he almost jerked her head off. 
 Trying to jerk her scarlet cap off. 
 But these efforts could not wake her. 
 These mild measures did not wake her. 
 Then he took another toddy, 
 And he made a final trial. 
 Eound he went, behind the bedstead, 
 And, with one tremendous effort, 
 Tipped the whole concern up edgewise ; 
 And the lady, in obedience 
 To the laws of gravitation, 
 KoUed, full length, upon the carpet, 
 Like a discontented saw-log. 
 
136 THE FEMALE FLIES TO ARMS, AND 
 
 piud'bus.taf) fifing untjet a^ {nSucnre of gf Spirits, rausctf) a^ iSetistrati ta 
 
 tip in an unaccountable anti Snonticrful manner; Hibertg being 
 
 mucf) sttrprtscti tfjercat. 
 
 With a bound, lilve Gabriel Kavel, 
 When he jumps through some big mountain, 
 Through some interposing mountain, 
 Liberty sprang from the carpet ; 
 Sprang to arms and caught the broomstick, 
 Ran and caught a hickory broomstick, 
 Which she flourished o'er her husband. 
 Vengeance in her eye was flashing 
 As she stood before her husband, 
 With the hickory broom upHfted. 
 And this amiable couple, 
 Standing there within their bedroom, 
 
THE AGGRESSOR SUES FOR MERCY. 137 
 
 Formed a splendid living picture, 
 Formed a grand tableau nocturnal. 
 
 iLftertfl (2* mudj abujsfti), tifSnct!) f)ex position as 2^ ^trong-mtntieti JlBEoman. 
 
 But the lady did not strike him ; 
 For he was so "very humble/' 
 And his air so supplicating, 
 She, at once, laid down her weapon. 
 She, the first "strong-minded woman," 
 Yielded to the cry for mercy — 
 Then, approaching Pluri-bus-tah, 
 Threw her dainty arms about him. 
 All his absence then forgiving. 
 Then a thought struck Pluri-bus-tah 
 That he'd make a bowl of toddy 
 And invite his wife to share it. 
 
188 PUNCH, 
 
 That he'd touch her soul with toddy, 
 Mollify her heart with whiskey, 
 Get her feeling nice and jolly ; 
 Then, when they were snug and cozy, 
 In the height of her good nature, 
 He would break his fearful tidings. 
 And would tell the whole true story 
 Of his %ht with sable Cuffee. 
 
 piurt.lius'ta^ aggistctf) a^ gentle ILilierta to 2^ seliuctibe concoction 
 calleti fig a^ ancients, ^uncf). 
 
 So he made the whiskey-toddy, 
 Made it hot, and sweet, and steaming, 
 Placed the bowl upon the table, 
 And they two sat down to share it. 
 While with fear and trepidation, 
 (For he feared a slight disturbance 
 
AS A PEACEMAKER. 139 
 
 Of his loved domestic quiet,) 
 He the history unfolded, 
 Told her the minutest details; 
 Link by link, he let the chain out, 
 As he saw the toddy working, 
 Till at last he got to "finis." 
 Liberty .had coolly listened, 
 Listened with her whole attention. 
 Drank his words in with her whiskey, 
 But no syllable had spoken. 
 Had not breathed above a whisper. 
 Had not drank above a gallon. 
 
 But when Pluri-bus-tah finished, 
 
 When he had, at last, concluded. 
 
 And the toddy-bowl was empty. 
 
 Liberty, with grace uprising. 
 
 Placed her lovely arms akimbo. 
 
 In an attitude so classic, 
 
 Eesolute, and energetic, 
 
 As would win the admiration 
 
140 BREAKERS AHEAD. 
 
 Of Miss Stone and Mrs. Blackwell, 
 Mrs. Kose, and Mrs. Davis, 
 And all others of the modern 
 Breeches-claiming school of women ; 
 With her hair done up in papers, 
 And her feet in slouchy slippers, 
 With her sleeves rolled to her elbows, 
 With her little fists close doubled, 
 Thus she stood, upright, defiant. 
 To give Pluri-bus-tah "Jesse." 
 
 2' B«ntle iLrtcrta fjabtng partaften copt'ouslg of a« puttctl. tofg^fij 
 to punct W^xi'insi'tuf). 
 
XIII. 
 
 ^ €miixmm, u^ tofeat tame of it. 
 
 LUKI-BUS-TAH, fearing, 
 
 trembling, 
 Got behind the little table, 
 Armed himself with tongs 
 
 and poker, 
 Making hasty preparations 
 For the storm he saw was 
 
 coming. 
 In suspense not long she 
 
 kept him, 
 Thus she opened fire upon him : 
 
 ge mucf) pcrsecutctJ 33Iacfea» 
 moor inaitctf) for g'^ ^fctgton 
 of s^ Bitcf)fn (Cabinet. 
 
142 A WHITE SQUALL 
 
 "So you've gone and got a nigger, 
 Got a woolly-headed nigger. 
 I hate darkies, I can't bear them ; 
 If you don't send this one trooping, 
 Send him off about his business, 
 ril clear out, / won't stay with you. 
 So you can now choose between us, 
 Lose your wife, or give up Cuffee." 
 
 Pluri-bus-tah half relented. 
 Had almost a mind to promise, 
 But the hand within his pocket. 
 Closed upon the silver dollar. 
 Then the heart within his bosom 
 Hardened to the wrongs of Cuffee. 
 Then he saw the pile of dollars 
 He should save by keeping Cuffee. 
 Then he thought upon his marriage. 
 Which was but a Free-love marriage ; 
 Thought that if his wife should leave him. 
 She would have no claim upon him, 
 
ABOUT A BLACK SUBJECT. 148 
 
 Claim for maintenance or dower, 
 For the law of Free-love weddings, 
 Law of "Passional Attraction/' 
 Doesn't give to either party 
 Claim upon the other's money. 
 
 With this comfort in his bosom, 
 And the dollars in his pocket, 
 Then he plucked his little spunk up, 
 Faced his wife, with timid courage, 
 Told her he should keep the nigger, 
 She might go about her business. 
 Told her that if she did leave him, 
 She was wrong and he was blameless ; 
 That if they were now divided. 
 She it was "de'ssolved the Union — " 
 She de'ssolved their "glorious Union." 
 Then he called her names opprobrious — 
 "Abolitionist," "Fanatics- 
 Threatened that, if she should leave him, 
 He would find a female Cuffee, 
 
144 THE FEMALE FACTION FAINTS. 
 
 And would take her to his bosom. 
 All his thousand thousand acres, 
 All should be assigned to Cuffee, 
 He himself be ruled by Cuffee, 
 Liberty might go to thunder ! 
 Then, of course, the lady fainted, 
 Made the proper preparations, 
 With a view to falling easy, 
 Then, in one despairing bellow, 
 Howled these words at Pluri-bus-tah 
 " Take your Cuifee— go to Cuifee— 
 Leave your wife and go to Cuffee V 
 
 gf frastlj aiiD f)eart«i)rofeen Ht&ertD faintct!}, ox as s^ f)fatf)en 
 fcooulti sag, " Caflttmii'li." 
 
 When the lady fell and fainted, 
 Pluri-bus-tah's courage failed him. 
 
A BARGAIN. 145 
 
 From the carpet up he raised her, 
 Down upon the bed he laid her, 
 And attempted to revive her, 
 Kubhed her hands and chafed her temples. 
 Sprinkled her with dirty water, 
 Scorched her nose with burning feathers, 
 Which restored her to her senses. 
 On his knees he went before her, 
 Offering, if she would forgive him, 
 Stay with him and not desert him. 
 He would compromise the matter ; 
 Make her satisfied with Cuffee. 
 
 After sobbing, sighing, whining, 
 They agreed upon this bargain. 
 Cuffee still should work the rice-fields, 
 Still should work the Southern rice-fields, 
 Still raise cotton and tobacco 
 In the South, for Pluri-biis-tah. 
 But she drew a line to stop him, 
 Stop the sable darkey, Cuffee, 
 
146 
 
 THE QUESTION SETTLED. 
 
 Keep him on his own plantations, 
 And she called it Mah-sun-dic-sun, 
 
 2« popular Osfa of JHason antr ©tion's Itite. ^e publicife is tfspectfuUfi tit* 
 totmtJ tljat tljisi Ijas no connection iaitf) a^ JSlacU.ball line. 
 
xiy. 
 
 i0to n Mmu pt \tx spnii ^ Mi Idt t\t 
 mwtx^. 
 
 aliusElr, tictermin. 
 tti) to kabe a^ ©ig- 
 sings ; is supposeH 
 to be iDaitmg for a 
 3«rB£a (Hits Jtna 
 ]3oat. 
 
 TRANGrE to say, this holy horror, 
 This unbounded, pious horror, 
 Of oppression and wrong-doing, 
 Which the lady had paraded 
 In the cause of colored Cuffee, 
 "Was not always quite apparent, 
 When, within the Northern Cities, 
 
148 STRAINING AT A GATE 
 
 White men were the ones downtrodden, 
 
 Kuled by masters quite as brutal, 
 
 Quite as grasping and exacting, 
 
 Wielding lashes quite as cruel 
 
 As the ones which Southern drivers 
 
 Flourished over sable Cuffee. 
 
 But the lady, when she wanted 
 
 Matter for her indignation. 
 
 Did not look at home, or near her, 
 
 But she turned her distant vision 
 
 To the line of Mah-sun-dic-sun. 
 
 Thus she overlooked the rascals 
 Who, at home, her name insulted, 
 Did not see the frauds and falsehoods 
 Of the men who wore her colors, 
 Who professed to do her bidding 
 In the Councils of the nation ; 
 Did not see the secret conclave, 
 Headed by designing scoundrels. 
 Working in congenial darkness, 
 
AND SWALLOWING A SAW-MILL. 149 
 
 To prescribe the rights of white men ; 
 Striving, white men's hands to fetter, 
 White men's tongues to gag and silence, 
 White men's homes to wreck and ruin, 
 
 Conttt rtptegentatiott of 2^ 2S^ n to «Notf) tug's (SranTi.^Lolige, from a ^loto. 
 grapf) fig s^ Qxtat JSratig. 
 
 White men's hearts to crush forever ; 
 
 Doing every kindred outrage 
 
 In the sacred name of Freedom — 
 
 Did not see within the cities 
 
 All the festering corruption 
 
 Which their rulers knew and nurtured — 
 
 Theft, and robbery, and killing. 
 
 Murder, and assassination. 
 
150 WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES 
 
 These, and other little trifles 
 
 Which free white folks there encountered, 
 
 Needed quite as much correction, 
 
 Needed it, perhaps, as quickly 
 
 As did Cuffee need his freedom. 
 
 Strange she did not see that white men 
 In her Northern, lauded countries. 
 With their boasting brag of freedom 
 Had their own peculiar bondage. 
 Their "peculiar institution," 
 Had a universal master ; 
 Had a master who exacted 
 An obedience far more abject 
 Than was ever asked of Cuffee 
 By the great Tobacco Kaisers 
 In the Mah-sun-dic-sun country. 
 
 Liberty passed by this serfdom, 
 Did not see that all were servants. 
 Slaves to the Almighty Dollar. 
 But the lady's soul and spirit 
 
SHOULDN'T THROW STONES. 151 
 
 Were intent on other business. 
 
 Other things of more importance, 
 
 And her charity expended 
 
 Upon evils far more distant ; 
 
 So, at home, the wrong was growing, 
 
 Till the far-off wrong was righted. 
 
 Liberty thus made her mind up, 
 
 '' White folks, you must wait for Cuffee. 
 
 If you're murdered, ^grin and bear it,' 
 
 I can only stop these murders 
 
 And attend to home religion, 
 
 When the heathen lands are godly, 
 
 Borrioboola Gha converted." 
 
 In the morning, when the sisters, 
 Peace and Thrift came down to breakfast. 
 They demanded explanation 
 Of the great nocturnal rumpus. 
 Liberty explained the matter. 
 All her husband's faults excusing. 
 But the sisters rose together, 
 
162 A FAMILY TIGHT, 
 
 Rose and swore they 'd leave the country, 
 Since she quarreled with her husband. 
 Liberty implored, entreated. 
 Begged, with tears and supplications, 
 They would stay and not desert her. 
 Thrift was won by her persuasion, 
 And agreed that she 'd stand by her, 
 She 'd stand by her weeping sister. 
 Thus she whispered, to console her : 
 "Where my sister lives will I live, 
 Where her home is there shall mine be: 
 When she dies or leaves the country, 
 I will follow next express-train." 
 
 Gentle Peace had got her grit up, 
 Got her "dander" fairly risen. 
 And had packed her trunks and bandbox. 
 Had got ready bag and baggage, 
 Eeady for her homeward journey. 
 Then, with tears, she kissed her sisters, 
 Gave them a promiscuous kissing 
 
EXIT IN A TIAGE. 
 
 On their faces/ necks, and shoulders, 
 And embraced them with such feeling, 
 With such tenderness and pathos 
 That she tore their hooks and eyes oflF. 
 Here she got on board the steamer 
 And departed from the country, 
 Looking very sad and sea-sick. 
 
 153 
 
 ©bjing to E^ rouglincss of 2^ bc-Eagc, geace castetf) up f)er ^ccountg. 
 
 This is why these broad dominions, 
 All the lands of Pluri-bus-tah, 
 Never ,have known peace or quiet 
 Since that fight with curly Cuffee. 
 For while Cuffee kept his promise 
 And attended to his business, 
 
154 CUFFEE TAKES A COMMON-SENSE 
 
 Keeping Southward of the landmark, 
 Of the line of Mah-sun-dic-sun, 
 At the yearly lection season, 
 Northern candidates for office, 
 Making speeches full of horror, 
 Showing furious indignation 
 At the slavery of Cuffee ; 
 Then would try to coax him Westward 
 
 2' onig true ant! autfjenti'r rrprescntation of s*^ 2Iln"!jfr.cjroun"a ISaiHnag, from s' 
 original, fig °"f ^'jo ftnoius. 
 
 By the subterranean railroad. 
 
 Cuffee's masters this resented 
 
 And kicked up a muss about it. 
 
 So there was a constant squabble 
 
 For the liberty of Cuffee. 
 
 He, himself, not interested 
 
 In the wrangling of the white men, 
 
VIEW OF THE QUESTION. 
 
 155 
 
 Sat him in the chimney-corner, 
 With his hoe-cake and his fiddle, 
 Never thinking, never caring, 
 Who would win the fight, or lose it. 
 Satisfied that all the white men, 
 Whether Northern, whether Southern, 
 When they had him, would compel him 
 Still to do their menial service. 
 
 So he sat him down, contented 
 With his hoe-cake and his fiddle, 
 Since for white men he must labor, 
 Caring not where lived his master, 
 Whether North, or whether Southward 
 Of the line of Mah-sun-dic-sun. 
 
 g« iintoTtunate ant> totontrotiTien JSIacftamoor eniontii) i)mBtlt, 
 
XY. 
 
 M\ king todl 
 
 IBEKTY, like other ladies, 
 
 t'ss Sunsa»i®fr' Loved her lord as ladies ought to ; 
 
 rafeaf). 
 
 And one summer morning early, 
 With a son her spouse presented: 
 Heir to all his sire's dominions, 
 
ROCK THE CRADLE LUCY. 157 
 
 All the land from shore to mountain, 
 All the seas, and lakes, and rivers; 
 Heir to all the lazy white folks ; 
 Heir to Cuifee and his ^' increase," 
 "Increase" sahle, yellow, piebald; 
 
 ^I«T('iiitg»ta^ Tocftrtf) a^ CratJie, anTi Zingt^ s« fatjorite *ong of 
 
 <' ffio it tofjile ner goung/' 'tr. 
 
 Heir to every thing his father 
 Heretofore had been the lord of. 
 
 Pluri-bus-tah now was getting 
 Somewhat feeble and decrepit 
 From old age and much exertion. 
 So he stayed at home contented, 
 Stayed at home to tend the baby. 
 
158 YUNGA-MERRAKAH 
 
 Yunga-merrakah they called him, 
 Called this darling, precious offspring, 
 Which, translated, means " some pumpkins;" 
 And he grew and thrived as no one 
 E'er before had seen a "human." 
 
 When he had been born a fortnight. 
 He was missed from home one Sunday, 
 As the fire alarm was sounding. 
 Then was fear and consternation ; 
 For they feared the lovely youngster 
 Might, perhaps, have been run over ; 
 Might have fallen in the river. 
 Might, perhaps, have "got his neck broke;" 
 Might have "been and gone and done it," 
 In some way they could not think of 
 So they searched in all directions, 
 Francticly, in all directions — 
 All the family and servants, 
 With the whole corps of policemen. 
 Headed by Steve Branch and Matsell, 
 
RUNS WITH THE MACHINE. 
 
 159 
 
 Who walked, arm in arm, together. 
 Talking about Briggs and Brandon. 
 
 But 'twas Pluri-bus-tah found him, 
 Found him coming, in his shirt-sleeves, 
 With an engine from the Bowery, 
 Erom a fire up in the Bowery, 
 
 
 •^ -^•'^■■^ '- 
 
 ^UTtga»iHrrraftafj astonisfiftf) g^ bcncrabic anti fbrr'ta-bfrrsprcte'tJ 
 gluri'bus'tal). 
 
 With his boots outside his breeches, 
 With a hat, cigar, and trumpet, 
 Looking like an infant " Syksey." 
 
 When his father tried to take him 
 In his arms, to bear him homeward, 
 Yunga-merrakah resented 
 His parental interference. 
 
160 HOMEWARD BOUND. 
 
 And squared off like Thomas Hyer ; 
 Crying to his frightened father, 
 "GVay, old fel, or I shall hit yer. 
 If you don't go 'way and leave me, 
 111 get ' Forty's' boys to lick yer I" 
 Pluri-bus-tah called on Matsell, 
 Trying to induce the youngster 
 To return and see his mother. 
 And at last they called a carriage, 
 Then they formed a grand procession, 
 With a guard of honor round it ; 
 Thus they took him home, lamenting. 
 
 \i infant ^roUigg is canbcgclJ to s^ paternal Boof i\^ ji^ gvcat 
 (JTfjicf i^atSEll anU n^ 3£l£serbcti Corps. 
 
 From this time the youngster ruled them^ 
 Kuled the household and the country. 
 Pluri-bus-tah couldn't whip him, 
 
PLUEI-BUS-TAH»S LABOR. 16X 
 
 Neither could his mother spank him; 
 But the boy was lord and master — 
 And his parents yielded to him. 
 Pluri-bus-tah, turning sadly 
 From the boy, too big to manage, 
 Still went piling up the dollars — 
 Piled them up in heaps like mountains, 
 For his hopeful son to scatter. 
 
 gf inag in tof)trf) ^luri-bus-talj pilet^ up b"^ filtf)2 fLitrrr. 
 
 Still, with old and shriveled fingers, 
 
 Still, with body bending double, 
 
 Bent with age and bowed with sorrow, 
 
 Still, with face all deeply wrinkled. 
 
 Still, with life and spirit ebbing. 
 
 While each pulse-throb and each heart-beat 
 
 Op'd his ready grave still wider. 
 
162 TUNGA-MERRAKAH PROGRESSES 
 
 The old man still kept grasping, gaining, 
 Heaping, piling up the dollars, 
 For his hopeful son to scatter. 
 
 And the boy, thus loved and cherished, 
 Kept on growing fast and faster. 
 Kept on getting '' fast" and " faster ;" 
 And his doting father kept him 
 In the city of Manhattan, 
 To complete his education. 
 Kept him there to learn his country, 
 All about its early story, 
 All about its present greatness, 
 All its power, and might, and greatness ; 
 Trusting he would come to love it — 
 Love the land of Pluri-bus-tah : 
 And would learn the art of battle, 
 That he might from foes protect it ; 
 Learn the art of navigation, 
 That he might increase its commerce ; 
 Learn the value of his country, 
 
IN HIS STUDIES. 
 
 And develop its resources. 
 Yunga-Merrakah was willing 
 To commence this undertaking, 
 And at once procured him teachers 
 In the city, to instruct him. 
 
 Here he studied navigation, 
 Here he practised ball projection. 
 
 163 
 
 gf precotious jioutb gunga-iHcrraftaf) tahcti) ILcssans in ge curious ffiamt 
 callcU aSilliarts front a^ tipericncetJ ^roffssor. 
 
 Here he learned to use the broad-sword, 
 Learned to wield the heavy broad-sword, 
 Learned from seeing others do it ; 
 For he would not tire Ms muscle, 
 Eun the risk of blows and bruises, 
 On his precious head and shoulders ; 
 
164 THE SANGUINARY 
 
 For he knew 't would grieve his mother, 
 To behold her boy all gory, 
 Bleeding from a broad-sword combat. 
 So he went unto the Bowery, 
 To the Theater in the Bowery : 
 There, from robber-chiefs and brigands, 
 There, from corsairs and highwaymen, 
 There, from bandits, rogues, and pirates, 
 There, from bloody-minded sailors, 
 
 )f tcrriSc combat fn-ijf famous tragcTjg of gf ^ea.gretn pelican, or 2' lost 
 STootfjpicft, as sketrfjcti bg gunga'iKlerrafea^. 
 
 There was where our youthful hero 
 Learned the mighty sword to brandish 
 In the cause of this his country. 
 When his courage was excited 
 By a long protracted combat. 
 
ARTS OF WAR. 
 
 He would want to show his prowess, 
 And would seek for foes to conquer — 
 Seek them in some neighboring "alle/' 
 Where the halls were big and plenty, 
 Where the cannon-balls were heavy, 
 Where the men were sound and solid, 
 And would bear a deal of knocking 
 Without fighting or resisting. 
 Here he'd have the small boy set them 
 In platoons, upon the "alley," 
 Headed by a noble captain. 
 
 165 
 
 g« noble (Taptatn, a« gcarreU up, a^ batterctj Captattt. 
 
 Then he'd take his hostile station, 
 Take his station in his shirt-sleeves, 
 Boldly fronting his opponents 
 
166 THE BATTLE OF 
 
 Without trembling, fear, or flinching. 
 Lifting then the dire projectile, 
 Soon to scatter death among them, 
 O'er his head, with care, he'd poise it. 
 To the earth, with grace, he'd lower it. 
 Then among their ranks he'd hurl it, 
 Dealing death, and getting '^ten-strikes." 
 
 guttga»i®ertaftafi ^anliktfj 2^ 33all iuit^ futtflment anti tjonolfe^ttf) 
 2^ Weatj»^taXS0. 
 
 Then, before their ranks could rally, 
 While their men were in confusion, 
 While his next cigar was lighting. 
 While his "whisky-skin" was making, 
 He would shout his fearful war-cry, 
 
TEN-PUN-ALLAH. 167 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah's dire war-cry. 
 Through the alley, through the bar-toom, 
 Through the fumes of gin and whisky, 
 Through the clouds of thick cigar-smoke, 
 Would be heard his rallying war-cry, 
 " Set 'em up, there, on both alleys !" 
 
 Thus, like Tennyson's six hundred. 
 He would fight the dreadful combat. 
 Though the foes were ten against him, 
 Ten to one ! an odds most fearful ! 
 He would fight without despairing. 
 Without yielding, without shrinking, 
 ''Without winking, without blinking," 
 But, we can't say, without drinking. 
 He would fight till they had yielded, 
 Till his foemen, all, were scattered, 
 And the alley-boy was sleeping, 
 And he'd won a glorious battle. 
 O'er his conquered foes exulting, 
 He would drink a glass at parting, 
 
168 
 
 THE VICTOBT. 
 
 Drink this merry toast at parting, 
 " Yunga-merrakahj forever ! 
 Who has won this glorious battle, 
 Won the field of Ten-pun- Allah I" 
 
 appearance of a« arena tie&otetj to gc ^ealtfiful pastime of Etttfina 
 after s^ flame. 
 
XYI. 
 
 ND he learned the arts of fish-craft : 
 Not to catch the oily porpoise. 
 Not the rouged and painted dolphin, 
 With his fancy-dress-ball jacket ; 
 W trrriiie s^arfe, ;^ot the scal, SO soft and furry, 
 
 Ijrabjn fig an Srt« 
 
 fet, not a Sucker. -j^^^ tlic shark, with smHe SO pleasant, 
 Not to catch the whale, so mighty, 
 
 As his father did before him — 
 8 
 
170 BENIGHTED JERSEY 
 
 But to set the "bristling shad-stakes ; 
 Catch dock-eels and smelts and sunfish, 
 How to snare the nimble porgies, 
 How to' traj) the graceful flounders^ 
 How to lure the crabs and lobsters. 
 Lure the beauteous crabs and lobsters 
 From their homes among the sea-weed. 
 
 And he studied navigation, 
 Learned the art of navigation : 
 How to run a lazy mud-scow, 
 How to steer a tossing clam-boat, 
 Steer it without sky or compass, 
 Steer it without star or needle. 
 Far across the world of waters. 
 To the unknown land of Jersey, 
 The benighted land of Jersey ; 
 Land which Liberty, his mother, 
 Never jet had set her foot in. 
 
 He would boldly steer his clam-boat 
 To the city of Hoboken, 
 
AND ITS WONDROUS CITY. 171 
 
 City of the Target-Shooters, 
 City of the Sunday-Dutchmen, 
 City which can't pay its taxes, 
 City which can't pay its servants. 
 City which don't pay expenses, 
 City which is now beseeching 
 Jersey City to adopt it — 
 City which has sold its court-house 
 For the charges of the builder, 
 City, which, if pawned for sixpence. 
 Could n't pay for its redemption. 
 Yunga-Merrakah, so fearless. 
 Here would steer his tossing clam-boat, 
 Here would land upon their borders. 
 All the Jerseymen defying ; 
 Jerseymen^ who live on strangers. 
 Live, and feed, and fat, on strangers; 
 Jerseymen who, every morning, 
 When they kneel with their petitions, 
 Alter all the words and language 
 
172 JERSEY PKAYEKS. 
 
 For the latitude of Jersey. 
 
 "Grive us, this day, our daily" stranger, 
 
 Is the Jersey supplication, 
 
 Altered and revised by statute. 
 
 And, where'er the Common Prayer-Book 
 
 Supplicates for grace and blessings 
 
 On " the President and Congress,'' 
 
 Jersey prayers are written "for the 
 
 Camden and the Amboy Kailroad." 
 
 Jge 6loolJ«tt)irsta SnsEBman pursuctfj 2" timfti Eradellcr tfjat rcfujjctt to 
 title in "Hangextsus Eail»carg. 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah, thus tutored 
 By his kind and careful teachers. 
 By the gentlemanly " short-boys," 
 Soon learned all the modern graces. 
 Learned the secrets of the bar-room, 
 
MYSTERIES OF UDOLPHO. 
 
 173 
 
 Learned where lie could find good liquor, 
 
 In the land of Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
 This, dear toddy-loving reader. 
 
 Unsophisticated reader, 
 
 Older heads than ours would puzzle, 
 
 Even in these "Aromatic" 
 
 Days of good " Scheidam" Udolpho. 
 
 But our hterary hero, 
 
 In his course of education, 
 
 Kead "the Mysteries of Udolpho," 
 
 ge jHsstcrtcs of Stiolpljo. 
 
 Learned the history of Udolpho, 
 Learned to tell the real Udolpho 
 From the spurious Udolpho, 
 
174 HOW TO TELL THE GENUINE ARTICLE. 
 
 By the cork, and by the label, 
 
 By the square, high-shouldered bottle, 
 
 By the smell, and by the tasting. 
 
 a rare nixO most licautifullg fiounti Folume of 
 gf JXlssterics. 
 
XYII 
 
 \t Ml mtmt$ \n ^ 
 
 . lis M\tx 
 
 lliiW!» 
 
 'N liis course of education, 
 Yunga-Merrakali encountered 
 Murphy, the most fashionable 
 2e„ngoi,i8,6«t.c. Gaiuester in the mighty city, 
 
 tiurtibc Emplcmcnts , p Ttr i xi. 
 
 of (Sambiers, from In the City ot Manhattan. 
 
 a Skftrlj taken fie 
 
 ttoctn acts. Murphy knew the game of paste- 
 
 board, 
 
176 METROPOLITAN 
 
 Games with pretty, painted pasteboard; 
 He knew all the games with ivory — 
 Globes of ivory, cubes of ivory. 
 Pretty, shining cubes of ivory ; 
 In a wooden box he placed them, 
 Shook and jostled them together. 
 Threw them on the board before him. 
 Thus exclaiming and explaining — 
 " Eight side up are all the pieces ; 
 Two are threes, and two are sixes ; 
 Eighteen, don't you see, are counted ?" 
 And he knew the game of thimbles — - 
 Knew the game of triple thimbles, 
 Thimbles three and " little joker ;" 
 And he thus to him explained it : 
 On his knee he placed the thimbles ; 
 Under one he put the joker ; 
 Then he moved them with his fingers — 
 ^^ One goes this way, one goes that way ; 
 One goes over, one goes under; 
 
AMUSEMENTS 
 
 177 
 
 Now's tlie time to bet your money- 
 Bet it on the little joker ; 
 Where 's the little joker gone to ?" 
 
 Ji? sfjrsiDtJ anti e nergetfc ffiamilcr plagetf) a^ CSame callrti " gc h'ttic 
 Softer," for gf Smusfntfiit of 2^ atimtring ^popularr. 
 
 And he knew the patent-safe game, 
 With its treacherous bit of paper, 
 And its secret, sliding cover ; 
 But he didn't tell the safe game, 
 Fearing it would spoil his business. 
 
 Yunga-merrakah was anxious 
 
 To be taught the games of pasteboard ; 
 8* 
 
lis THE GAMES OF PASTEBOARD. 
 
 But the careful, cautious Murphy 
 
 The aristocratic Murphy, 
 
 The genteel, black-bearded MurjDhy, 
 
 Would not play outside his mansion, 
 
 Fearing folks would say he cheated. 
 
 And would set policemen on him 
 
 And would have them both arrested 
 
 Have them borne before the judges. 
 
 Not that Mm^phy feared policemen, 
 
 Not that Murphy feared the judges ; 
 
 Murphy had a potent weapon 
 
 Which could sweep them all before him ; 
 
 But he did not want the people. 
 
 Want the idle, chattering people, 
 
 To inquire his avocation. 
 
 Ask him how he got his living ; 
 
 So he took our youthful hero. 
 
 Led him to his Broadway mansion. 
 
 There to show him all the mysteries. 
 
 Teach him all the games of pasteboard. 
 
WHY THE STARS DONT STOP IT. 179 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah then asked him, 
 " If your games are so unlawful, 
 Why do not the ^star* policemen — 
 The policemen who are models, 
 Who have won the Mayor's medals, 
 Won the German-silver medals, 
 Which the Mayor didn't pay for, 
 But charged over to the city — 
 Why do not these said policemen 
 Come in here and stop your gaming ? 
 Murphy winked his glistening optic. 
 On his nose he placed his finger, 
 While he slowly, slyly whispered, 
 ^'Though the Mayor's star policemen 
 Know my house, and know my calling, 
 They sometimes themselves will enter. 
 Here to play the games of pastehoard. 
 And these model star policemen 
 All are very lucky fellows ; 
 For they always win my money ; 
 
rSO NOTHING VENTURE 
 
 And their good luck always blinds them 
 To my house, and to my gaming, 
 Till their winnings are exhausted ; 
 Then, again, they 're sure to enter, 
 Here to play the games of pasteboard." 
 
 3gf (Kuartians of gf ffiitg plag at g^ fabortte ffiantf. 
 
 Satisfied with this explaining, 
 Yunga-Merrakah was willing, 
 Then, to learn the game of " Faro" 
 Of disinterested Murphy. 
 
 At the table they were seated, 
 With their piles of heaped-up money 
 On the green cloth on the table. 
 Murphy held the painted pasteboards ; 
 One by one he slowly dealt them, 
 
NOTHING HAVE. 181 
 
 From a box of shining metal — 
 Dealt, and laid them on the table — 
 In two separate piles he laid them, 
 Side by side upon the table. 
 On the ace or on the ten-spot, 
 On the king, or knave, or eight-spot, 
 On the queen, or on the four-spot, 
 Yunga-Merrakah was betting ; 
 Betting all his pocket-money — 
 Money, with his mother's likeness 
 Stamped upon each dime and quarter. 
 But he cared not for his mother; 
 Only cared to learn of Murphy 
 How to play the game of faro. 
 
 All night long the luckless youngster 
 Played with Murphy, cunning Murphy; 
 Played till midnight, played till morning. 
 Played until the lucky Murphy 
 Of his treasures had despoiled him. 
 He lost all his pocket-money. 
 
182 
 
 HE LOSES ALL HE OWNS, 
 
 Every dollar, every penny ; 
 Then he took his diamond pin off, 
 Then he took his diamond ring off, 
 And he took his golden studs out, 
 Took his watch, and took his chain off. 
 Bet them all upon the ten-spot. 
 Lost them all to cunning Murphy. 
 Then he took his broadcloth coat off, 
 Then he took his satin vest off, 
 Then he took his silk cravat off. 
 Took his patent-leather boots off; 
 Glaring wildly upon Murphy, 
 
 gunga'iWtrraftaf). after a^ ©icitcment of a? ©deniitfl, 
 taftetf; an airing. 
 
WHAT HE DOES ABOUT IT. 183 
 
 Flung them wildly on the tahle, 
 Bet them wildly on the ten-spot — 
 Lost ! and, wildly, promenaded, 
 Coatless, bootless, breathless, brainless, 
 Through the snow back to his mother. 
 
XYIII. 
 
 VERY day the evening 
 
 found him 
 In the cunning Mur- 
 
 ^lurt.fius.ta^. a^ Venerable, feicfeftft a' V^f^ mansion, 
 
 33uffect. ge jaeaticr is rnmntirt ttat -r^ . •n i • i . 
 
 a^ last iuorts iucrc, "E tiie a true i3ettmg Stlll hlS pOCket- 
 Smrrican." 
 
 money, 
 Betting now his father's money, 
 Betting now his mother's money, 
 Betting any body's money, 
 
MORE LOSSES. 185 
 
 Losing every body's money, 
 All that he could beg or borrow. 
 From his father's till he took it. 
 From his mother's pocket filched it; 
 And he lost it all to Murphy, 
 Lost it in the game of faro. 
 
 Then his friends, the gamblers, taught 
 him, 
 When his money was expended, 
 How, again, he might procure it ; 
 Taught him how to make post-obits, 
 As his father now was feeble. 
 And was like to perish quickly; 
 How to draw up various papers. 
 On which Jews would lend him money ; 
 Notes, and drafts, and obligations, 
 To be paid with interest tenfold, 
 When his father should be buried. 
 And he should his wealth inherit. 
 Then he forged his father's writing, 
 
180 HOW HE GOT THE MONEY. 
 
 Forged his name to bills of credit ; 
 Thus obtained supplies of money, 
 For his faro-teacher Murphy, 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah, whenever 
 Now he met his aged father, 
 Glared with envious eyes upon him ; 
 Calculating how much longer 
 His old life would last to vex him— 
 Keep him from his great possessions 
 Then his fingers clutched together, 
 And he wished that it was lawful 
 For a son to choke his father, 
 When he should grow old and helpless — 
 Knock his head off, knock his brains out, 
 Kill him, plant him deep in Greenwood — 
 Any way to get his money. 
 So he tried to coax his father 
 To a primary election 
 In the Sixth Ward ; but the old man 
 " Knew the ropes/' and would n't go there * 
 
CONSPIRACY. 
 
 187 
 
 5 ( y :^M VA R M n E 3 1 LERfc- ?v 
 
 §c lilootjfe Siitf)'5I2Sartifrs amuse tl&cmscl&fs toit^ a^ fa&oritc (Election 
 jausg. Sketct) taken tn great l^urra tia 2^ ^rtigt. 
 
 Tried to send him on a journey 
 Over the New Haven Eailroad ; 
 But he could n't fool his father, 
 Couldn't fool old Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
 But at last the old man yielded, 
 And agreed to take a journey — 
 Go to Washington^ the city 
 Where the Congress was assembled ; 
 Where the concentrated wisdom 
 Of the country was assembled, 
 Lighting for the country's profit. (?) 
 
 There his spouse had gone before him ; 
 Liberty had gone before him, 
 And was fighting there a battle— 
 
188 PLURI-BUS-TAH'S DEATH. 
 
 Tootli and nail^ was fighting, scratching, 
 For some property she claimed there ; 
 For the little territories 
 Known as Kansas and Nebraska. 
 And the old man's fond affection 
 Led him there to wait beside her- 
 Wait beside her until Congress 
 Should elect their needed Speaker, 
 And his wife have done her quarrel. 
 There the old man watched and waited, 
 Wearily he watched and waited, 
 For them to elect a Speaker ; 
 Months passed on, and Pluri-bus-tah 
 Died of age before they did it. 
 
 ge ^ublick are rcmtnUeti of jj^ JFact tf)at jj^ great piuri»!iuB«taS is ©efunct. 
 
XIX. 
 
 UNGA-MEKRAKAH, the hope- 
 ful, 
 Gave, by telegraph, directions 
 That his defunct father's cor- 
 
 ciprwsetf) tt's iScspcct for ^ 
 
 %^::X^:T'' ^^om ^ sent express by 
 railroad. 
 Therefore Adams, the express-man, 
 Put the body in a coJffin, 
 
190 THE SON DISCONSOLATE. 
 
 Marked it "this side up/' and sent it. 
 And our hero, in the mean time, 
 Tied some crape upon his elbow, 
 Put a bottle in his pocket. 
 Started for the railroad depot, 
 Waiting for the old man^s coming. 
 But, before the train's arrival, 
 He retired into a closet 
 "With a money-lending lawyer. 
 
 W fat^erlegs Son sccfectf) CTonsoIattau toitfj a« Mnn of 3La&), 6d§o 
 fiplatnetf) gc lamcntfU piuri'bus'tai^'s totH. 
 
 To compute the sum exactly 
 The old man had left behind him. 
 Money, lands, and stocks and railroads 
 Houses, stores, and public buildings ; 
 
ENTER BROWNE. 191 
 
 All were counted, checked, and valued, 
 And the lawyer told the total 
 To the son so sad and sorrowino;. 
 From the sum they then deducted 
 All the funeral expenses ; 
 So that when the train arrived there, 
 They had ciphered out the balance, 
 Knew what was the old man's fortune — 
 Consequently, just how many 
 Tears to shed and hacks to order. 
 Yunga-Merrakah, the mourner. 
 Took the old man^s lifeless corpus 
 To the great paternal mansion, 
 Thence he sent for Browne the sexton — 
 Pompous Browne, of Graceless Chapel — 
 Browne, who manages the weddings — 
 Browne, who makes the funerals jolly — 
 Browne, who operates the parties — 
 Browne, whose shrill and well-known whistle 
 Opes the door and scares the hackmen— 
 
192 THE DISCONSOLATE SON. 
 
 Browne, whose word is law and gospel 
 
 In all fashionable circles — 
 
 Browne was summoned, Browne was sent for. 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah the mourner, 
 In his room so sad "and lonely, 
 With a friend to cheer his sorrow. 
 In his room, when Browne had entered, 
 Gave his orders for the funeral. 
 Yunga-Merrakah the mourner, 
 With his friend to cheer his sorrow, 
 Had, by way of killing sadness. 
 Been engaged in playing euchre. 
 On the table stood the bottle. 
 On the table sat the glasses. 
 On the table lay the counters ; 
 Near a chair was Browne the sexton, 
 With his "list'' between his fingers. 
 Waiting to note down the programme. 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah the mourner 
 Did not stop his playing euchre, 
 
GIVES DIRECTIONS FOR THE BURIAL, 19S 
 
 But he gave the sad directions 
 For the funeral of his father 
 In the intervals of smoking. 
 In the intervals of drinking. 
 
 g' mournfttl Bro&jnt liiscobfretfj 2^ afflicted 5on muci) afttctetr. 
 
 In the intervals of playing, 
 
 While the restless cards were shuffling. 
 
 Thus they played the game of euchre, 
 Thus Browne got his full directions 
 For old Pluri-hus-tah's funeral ; 
 And assuring *'on his honor," 
 That they should be all perfected 
 In the very latest fashion, 
 Made his bow, and then departed. 
 9 
 
194 
 
 HIC JACET. 
 
 So the next day Pluri-bus-tah 
 
 In the Greenwood vault was buried 
 
 In the latest style of fashion. 
 
 dnrrect latpresentation nf gf Eomb of ge iIIIujitr(ou« 
 
XX. 
 
 |i Carriage, aui to^at came 0f it. 
 
 LUKI-BUS-TAH now was buried, 
 
 i' And the energy and spirit, 
 All the honesty and honor, 
 With what love of truth and just- 
 
 ge toon^rnus little 
 golj calleTJ CupfO, 
 anti s^ 3^<"S f'"' 
 filcmaticof gtCon' 
 iitt'on Buppogeti to 
 Je iWatrimonE. 
 
 ice 
 
 Formerly had ruled the councils 
 Of the mighty Yengah nation. 
 Seemed to all have perished with him ; 
 
196 WHAT THE SON GOT, AND 
 
 Seemed to all be buried deeply 
 In the grave of Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah the mourner, 
 Heir to all the great possessions 
 Which his father left behind him, 
 Laid his hand on piles of dollars, 
 Laid his hand on land and warehouse, 
 On the far-extended grain-fields, 
 On the grand, primeval forest. 
 On the blooming, boundless prairie; 
 Laid his hand on woolly Cuffee, 
 Who had lost his former spirit 
 Of resistance and rebellion ; 
 And his hand had lost its power, 
 Power to break the hold so puny 
 Yunga-Merrakah laid upon him — 
 Laid his hand on Northern white men — 
 Lazy, shiftless Northern white men — 
 Who were poorer far, and meaner 
 Than black CufFee ever had been. 
 
WHAT THE WIDOW DIDN'T GET. 197 
 
 All of these his father left him ; 
 For his mother, by her marriage — 
 Which was but a Free-Love marriage, 
 A mere temporary marriage, 
 Without church, or priest, or parson — 
 Could not claim a right of dower, 
 Had no money, lands, or mansion. 
 Had no place to live — because she 
 Got no " thirds" she had no quarters. 
 
 Though the heir had money left him, 
 With his father's broad dominions : 
 
 ^ nii'^i 
 
 )t tiespontiing gunga-iKcrraRafj tirotonrtlj g^ mclancfjolg in 2» potfitt 
 concocttoi: calle'Q ;Sf)ctrc'ftobl)l£r. 
 
 Yet he lacked his father's vigor, 
 Lacked his energy of purpose, 
 Lacked his unrelenting will-power, 
 
198 THE DISCONSOLATE YOUTH. 
 
 Which had made the earth and ocean 
 
 To his purposes obedient. 
 
 These his sire had taken with him, 
 
 To the jolly land of spirits, 
 
 To the land of the Hereafter. 
 
 But he had his father's vices, 
 
 Had his avarice and grasping, 
 
 Had his self-conceit and folly, 
 
 Had his love of dimes and dollars 
 
 Still he had not e'en these vices, 
 
 In their strong and earnest vigor ; 
 
 All were weakened and diluted. 
 
 Fit for his degeneration, 
 
 Fitted to his puny standard. 
 
 Then, besides hereditary 
 
 Vices given by his father. 
 
 He had other ones ingenious, 
 
 Others of his own invention. 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah, the mourner. 
 Passed a sad and solemn fortnight, 
 
MOURNS THE DEAR DEPARTED. 199 
 
 Shut out from the world of fashion ; 
 Passed it with his boon companions^ 
 Weeping for the dear departed, 
 Sighing for the dead old "buifer." 
 
 32unga«iHerrafta§ anlr ge tonttoltngfrfentjs are mucf) iepressc^J in svhits, 
 otoing to 2^ total exf)austton of gf 512Ef)tsft2. 
 
 Then he rose, one sunny morning, 
 Took the crape from off his elbow ; 
 Then took off his " suit of sables," 
 And resolved to cease his mourning 
 For his much-lamented father. 
 For, he said, his broad dominions 
 Needed now his sole attention. 
 And he spake to his companions 
 In this language, pure and classic. 
 
200 HE GIVES UP MOURNING 
 
 "No more sadness, no more sighing, 
 No more woe, and no more weeping, 
 No more tears, no more seclusion. 
 To Delmonico's let's hasten ; 
 There we'll have a high old blow out. 
 
 2» swat I3elmonico'8. (ge jsfeftrJ) bDas malJf iaijile Sftting rfjangf for g' lajst 
 100 tollar till (n gf possfssion of a^ artist.) 
 
 I'll make pompous Browne, the sexton, 
 Stand the treat from his expenses, 
 Dock it from his funeral charges. 
 He should, really, have some feeling. 
 Pity for the sole survivor, 
 And not charge so much for funerals." 
 
AND FORGETS HIS FATHER. 201 
 
 This is when he put off mourning, 
 And forgot his sturdy father, 
 And forgot old Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
 9* 
 
XXI. 
 
 HRIFT, who, heretofore, had 
 quarreled 
 
 wtt (ge in,um at. ^.^|^ ^ler sister's hopeful off- 
 
 rangctfj matters of tnt* ^ 
 
 portancf, artti tfjcn 
 
 siopett. spring, 
 
 Who had seldom smiled upon him 
 In liis youthful undertakings ; 
 Now, when the precocious youngster 
 Took possession of the country, 
 
MARRIAGE. 
 
 208 
 
 And became its only master, 
 
 Straight resolved that she would leave it, 
 
 And go back to where she came from, 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah had married — 
 Taking pity and compassion 
 On those God-forsaken spinsters, 
 Or (what they regret more deeply), 
 On those man-fovsaken spinsters, 
 Those who die in "the pursuit of 
 Breeches under difficulties" — 
 Married a "strong-minded woman:"* 
 Thus had done his country service. 
 She was one of those who scribble 
 For the magazines and weeklies, 
 Over names alliterative — 
 
 * It is expected that, by virtue of a special act to encourage the 
 individual abatement of national nuisances, Congress will grant a 
 large pension to each of those two or three heroic but unfortunate 
 men who have recently had the hardihood and patriotism to marry 
 those Woman's-Rights females who, having eagerly embraced the 
 first offer of marriage, have recently disappeared from pubhc life. 
 
204 'WHO THE BRIDE WAS. 
 
 ^' Bessie Basswood," " Sallie Simple, 
 ^^ Peggy Pensive/' ^' Nancy Ninkum" 
 She was one of those who travel 
 "Lecturing" throughout the country, 
 
 g' popular tlJea of gf strons»mintielJ JFtmalr. 
 ge scUuctiiie 38Ioomcr. 
 
 Serving up a weak dilution 
 
 Of the thoughts some man has taught them- 
 
 Waldo Emerson and water ; 
 
 Andrews' broth or Owen gruel ; 
 
 Nichols' nastiness refined, that 
 
 Decent folks may sit and hear it. 
 
 She was one who "spoke in public" 
 
THE STEP-MOTHER OBJECTS. 205 
 
 At the Woman's Right's Conventions; 
 One who wore the Bloomer costume, 
 Half-way petticoats, half-breeches. 
 This the masculine co-partner, 
 This the woman just imported 
 From the distant He-bride Islands, 
 Whom our youthful hero married, 
 And brought home to rule his mansion. 
 
 Liberty her son entreated, 
 "Bring not here an idle maiden, 
 Bring not here this useless woman, 
 Hands unskillful, feet unwiUing, 
 Bring one that can tend the babies. 
 Darn your socks and sew your buttons; 
 Bring not here this feeble talker. 
 Bring not here this senseless speaker; 
 Put her in the place provided: 
 In the Museum at Barnum's, 
 Or in the Insane Asylum — 
 The untamable department." 
 
206 HOSTILITIES DECLARED 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah responded, 
 " Hold your ceaseless jaw, old woman ! 
 I wiU marry tliis young lady; 
 She'll be 'boss,' too, of my dwelling; 
 
 ®2Jf)ere a^ Bloomer oug^t to fie. 
 
 You shall yield obedience to her: 
 If you won't, clear out and leave us." 
 So he brought her to his mansion, 
 Brought her home to rule his mother 
 
 Now began a deadly quarrel : 
 Thrift declared a war remorseless 
 With this female interloper. 
 Then began the greatest battle 
 That the sun had ever looked on, 
 
AND A SKIRMISH. 207 
 
 That the war-birds ever witnessed. 
 From the morn till night it lasted; 
 Fourteen hours these furious females 
 Fought, with fists, and feet, and fingers, 
 Clawing, pulling, biting, scratching, 
 Yunga-Merrakah sat near them, 
 Sat upon the center-table, 
 With cigars and whisky near him, 
 Watching the tremendous conflict. 
 
 ,53. 
 
 gf e&£r»memora&Ie Jftgljt iietiaecrt Sense anti Won'senisr. g« Scene 
 
 is tafeen Ixifjcn 2^ gentle li&crta anli gf 33loomct 
 
 come up to gf Scratch after a^ 
 
 tiocnts'Sftt) aUounti. 
 
 Thrift at last was fully conquered ; 
 For her rival's public practice 
 In delivering orations. 
 Made her rather longer winded. 
 
208 EXIT THRIFT 
 
 Then the beaten, vanquished lady, 
 Ere she made her final exit, 
 Shook her fist, and spoke in this wise ; 
 " Yunga-Merrakah, I leave you : 
 Leave you with that odious woman. 
 She will ruin all your household, 
 She will ruin all your country, 
 She will rule you and your children ; 
 And she may, for all that I care. 
 For I leave you, now, forever." 
 
 '^atttfjfntir Fiffe of gf blootJn BattlcfleltJ. 
 
 Thus she spoke, and then departed 
 But her curse was on the country. 
 And her words proved true as gospel. 
 Yunga-Merrakah discovered 
 That when he his wife had chosen. 
 
rOR THE LAST TIME. 209 
 
 He had caught a female Tartar. 
 
 Since that time^ where this " strong-minded'' 
 
 Female nuisance had dominion, 
 
 Thrift was never seen nor heard of. 
 
XXII. 
 
 Sprit iaptvp snJr Sprit irinlting, ramls. 
 
 gf first manifrgtation of jje Spirits. J}c ^Tablc ftcins tippelJ, etc. ge 
 gpirit of s? ©il'O'ltorn sljoinftf) itsflf poinrrful mtic^, 
 
 N the land of Uncle Thomas, 
 In the land of Pierce the mighty, 
 In the city of Manhattan, 
 In the reign of great Fernando, 
 In the time of Branch and Matsell, 
 In the time of Poole and Baker, 
 In the time of righteous Bamum, 
 In the time of honest Schuyler, 
 
NEWS FROM THE SPIRIT LAND, 211 
 
 In the time of pious Wyckoff, 
 Pious, persevering Wyckoff, 
 Yunga-Merrakah resided 
 In the city of Manhattan, 
 In a lofty brown stone mansion. 
 But the avenue and number 
 I can't teU you — IVe forgotten. 
 
 In those times, of which IVe written, 
 Spirits from the other countries, 
 From the land of the Hereafter, 
 From the land where Hiawatha 
 And his partner, Minne-ha-ha, 
 Now are rearing phantom babies : 
 (For that lady had a goblin 
 In her arms, a nursing goblin, 
 And twin specters in her cradle. 
 Infant ghosts, with shadowy aprons. 
 Misty bibs, and airy tuckers, 
 At the very last advices 
 By those quadrupedal "mediums," 
 
212 WHAT THE SPIRITS DO 
 
 Whom we know as '' Koons" and " Foxes.") 
 
 As, before, I mentioned to yoo, 
 
 Spirits from the other countries, 
 
 From the land of the Hereafter, 
 
 Often came to earth to visit. 
 
 Came upon a spirit rail train, 
 
 gf toontitrful Spirit 3Cratn t^at trabelet^ on gf ©lU ©olong BailroalJ. Sup* 
 poscti to 6c 2^ tjcati'fjcatig on a pleasure firurston. 
 
 Often got a fortnight's furlough. 
 Often came on leave of absence, 
 Not as ugly apparitions. 
 Not as goblins, ghosts, or specters, 
 Not in sheet, or shroud, or coffin ; 
 But they came, unseen of mortals. 
 Kicking up a mighty rumpus, 
 Knocking on the chairs and tables. 
 
ON LEAVE OF ABSENCE. 213 
 
 Kicking over bales and boxes, 
 
 Cutting iv^ unheard-of antics, 
 
 Like a ghostly set of rowdies, 
 
 Kapping on the chairs and tables. 
 
 Prophecies of good and evil. 
 
 Most profound mysterious nonsense ! 
 
 Shakspeare, Washington, and Franklin, 
 
 With a hundred other worthies, 
 
 Poets, authors, statesmen, sages, 
 
 Came from spheres so bright and blissful, 
 
 From the land of the Hereafter, 
 
 Came to skin their ghostly knuckles. 
 
 Knocking upon floors and tables. 
 
 At the call of earthly boobies. 
 
 So old Pluri-bus-tah's spirit, 
 Wishing to be in the fashion. 
 Came to see the brown stone mansion, 
 Yunga-Merrakah's great mansion. 
 Came a-knocking on the sideboard. 
 Seeking, probably, for brandy. 
 
214 TtJNGA-MERRAKAH RECEIVES 
 
 But his offspring heard the racket 
 Of the old man's bony knuckles. 
 Feeling for the wished-for bottle, 
 And suspected that it might be 
 Something of his father's spirit. 
 First he took the big decanter 
 In his hands, and held it tightly, 
 For he knew if 'twas his father, 
 That the brandy soon would vanish. 
 Then he spake, in trembling language 
 Asking, " Is a spirit present ?" 
 
 gc restless spirit of a^ tiefunct ^luri-fius'tafj insistctt on i&afiing another 
 puU at s' spirit of ©'JJartr. 
 
 Then the old man's ghost was wrathy. 
 And he hammered on the table. 
 
A SPIBITUAL COMMUNICATION. 215 
 
 Showered the blows as fast and furious 
 
 As he did on Johnny Taurus, 
 
 In the battle of the meadow. 
 
 And the message that his knuckles, 
 
 Ghostly spiritual knuckles, 
 
 Kapped upon the rosewood table, 
 
 When translated, ran as follows : 
 
 " Most contemptible of puppies ! 
 You, who rob your suffering father 
 Of his drop of consolation, 
 Of his little drop of brandy ; 
 You, who steal his only blessing, 
 You, who now deny your daddy 
 * Spiritual aid and comfort,' 
 Listen now what you shall come to. 
 Listen what shall be your ending. 
 You have driven Thrift far from you, 
 And you now shall hear the penance. 
 
 AH your cities shall be ruin 
 All shall moulder, rot, and crumble. 
 
216 BUT HE TAKES IT COOLLY 
 
 Desolation spread her mantle 
 Over all your wide-spread country, 
 And your servant, sable Cuffee, 
 Shall rebel and rise against you, 
 Make you slave and toil and labor. 
 Till your miserable body 
 Perishes from earth forever. 
 You shall smaller grow and smaller, 
 In your mind and in your body, 
 You shall meaner grow and meaner. 
 Till your cringing, creeping, crawling 
 Form is lost from earth forever. 
 Till your soul is all extinguished. 
 None is left to merit saving, 
 Not enough to be worth damning. 
 This, my curse, I leave upon you ; 
 Not because you are dishonest. 
 Not because I know you 're knavish, 
 But because you 're mean and selfish, 
 And because you stole my brandy." 
 
AND HOLDS ON TO THE BOTTLE. 21 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah wa'n't frightened 
 At the old one's revelation, 
 But lie took a horn of brandy — 
 Horn of the forbidden brandy ; 
 Then he laughed aloud, exulting. 
 
 But the ghost had spoken truly ; 
 Time fulfilled all his foretelling^ 
 And this is the only instance, 
 Only instance on the records 
 Where a prophesying spirit, 
 Eapping on the boards or tables 
 With his spiritual knuckles, 
 Ever told the truth, or near it. 
 
 Would you know the mournful sequel? 
 How the ghost fulfilled his saying ? 
 Whether his sole heir and oftspring, 
 Yunga-Merrakah the mourner, 
 Did fulfill the prophesying 
 Of his spiritual parent? 
 10 
 
218 
 
 EXIT GHOST. 
 
 Bead the next ensuing chapter. 
 And it probably will tell you. 
 
 2* Spirit of iiluti'bus'tal), SisflusteS, Ua^tff) in a STfiunlfet'SUgt. 
 
XXIII. 
 )xi\m isl]^ to^nt to. 
 
 ^^^^''' UNGA-MEKRAKAH, the 
 mourner, 
 Was no more, but lord and master 
 ciamimttia^^ia"' Of the glorious Yengah nation. 
 
 eta for 2^ purpose 
 
 of Emulation. Then he felt his full importance, 
 And assumed the airs of empire ; 
 Then, that he the eyes might dazzle 
 Of all modern kings and princes, 
 
220 THE INVENTION OF 
 
 He assumed a dress of splendor 
 Fit for liim to rule and reign in. 
 He assumed the Shanghai costume — 
 Costume of his own invention — 
 Partly his, and partly borrowed 
 From the Hippodrome performers ; 
 Not from Siegrist nor Franconi, 
 But 'twas borrowed from the monkeys, 
 From the libeled, slandered monkeys, 
 Erom the skilled equestrian monkeys, 
 From the ones who ride the ponies. 
 
 ge true anU autfjcnttc ©rigtu of a^ garment calUtt ^tang^ai. 
 
 Inaccessible his hat was, 
 Like a tall, six-story stove-pipe; 
 And beneath it towered his collar, 
 Towered his lofty standing collar, 
 
THE SHANGHAI ABSURDITY. 221 
 
 (Like a human adaptation 
 
 Of tliat ornament the pig-yoke,) 
 
 Which should keep his head from turning, 
 
 And from howing, and from mo\T.'ng. 
 
 And his coat, it reached his ankles, 
 
 Meeting there his patent leathers. 
 
 And his legs, like slimsy broomsticks, 
 
 Like attenuated broomsticks, 
 
 Were surrounded by his tailor 
 
 With a covering so fantastic, 
 
 And which clung to him so tightly, 
 
 That his servant, every evening, 
 
 Had to skin him like a catfish. 
 
 gf attentibe Srrbant prdrtf; 2^ fasfjianaMe gunrfn-iHcvrafeafj. 
 
 Thus was made his splendid costume. 
 Which should give the world assurance 
 
222 PROGRESSION. 
 
 That its wearer was "some pumpkins," 
 That he '^ bossed" a splendid "ked'n'try." 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah determined 
 To put off his Bowery notions, 
 To stop running with the engine. 
 To have done with " Mose" and " Syksey/ 
 And to cut the whole red-shirt-dom. 
 So this vegetable human. 
 Which had sprouted in the Bowery, 
 Which was nurtured in the Bowery, 
 Which had grown up in the Bowery, 
 Now was suddenly transplanted 
 To the latitude of Broadway; 
 And this budding Bowery Syksey 
 Blossomed to a Broadway Shanghai. 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah, ambitious 
 To excel his father's actions. 
 And to rival his inventions, 
 Started many enterprises. 
 And invented curious engines. 
 
THE ORIGINAL CRYSTAL PALACE, 223 
 
 But the enterprises ^' broke" him, 
 And his patents would n't answer. 
 This because Miss Thrift had left him, 
 Left him to his own destruction. 
 
 One day Mister Johnny Taurus, 
 Now grown old, and stout, and burly, 
 With the wish to please his children, 
 Please his pretty, rosy children, 
 Gave his gardener, Mr. Paxton, 
 His commands to build a play-house. 
 The ingenious Mr. Paxton, 
 With a zeal that does him credit, 
 Straightway went to work and did it. 
 All of glass and iron he made it : 
 Iron, to give it strength and firmness, 
 Glass, to woo the glorious sun-light ; 
 Then with birds and flowers he filled it, 
 Filled it full with sweetest music. 
 Filled it full with rarest beauty. 
 Filled it full with goms of painting, 
 
224 YUNGA-MERRAKAH PIRATES THE IDEA 
 
 Filled it full with gems of sculpture ; 
 All things, beautiful and useful, 
 Found a home within this play-house 
 Built for Johnny Taurus' children. 
 
 Honor be to Thomas Paxton ! 
 He it was who built this temple, 
 Built the glorious Crystal Palace, 
 Built this home of peace and sunlight, 
 Where the world's contending nations 
 Met, and gave the hand of friendship, 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah had witnessed. 
 From his home across the water, 
 How the enterprise succeeded ; 
 And he stole the thought of Paxton, 
 Stole the crystal thought of Paxton, 
 Brought it to his w^ooden country. 
 And resolved to build a play-house 
 Like the one of Johnny Taurus. 
 So he swindled all the nations, 
 Swindled all the world together. 
 
SWINDLES THE ARTISTS. 225 
 
 Herein lie excelled liis father, 
 
 Who had never cheated largely, 
 
 " Swapping truck" with otlier countries ; 
 
 Who had only sold them watches 
 
 Made of lead, instead of silver, 
 
 Sold them white-wood hams and shoulders, 
 
 Sold them loads of wooden nutmeo:s. 
 
 But had never tried to cheat them 
 
 On the Crystal Palace system. 
 
 But he lacked his sire's invention, 
 
 Lacked the spirit of invention ; 
 
 So he missed his calculations : 
 
 Made his irons all too little. 
 
 Made his timbers all too crooked. 
 
 Made his glass all cracked and knotty; 
 
 Then he suddenly discovered 
 
 That he had run out of " putty," 
 
 So his playhouse was a failure. 
 
 But before they knew the fiilure, 
 
 Artists, great, of other nations, 
 10* 
 
226 SELLS THEIR PICTURES AT AUCTION, 
 
 Sent their pictures and tlieir statues, 
 Sent their choicest masterpieces, 
 To exhibit in his j)lay-house. 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah, the tricky, 
 When he found 't would be a failure. 
 Stole the strangers' goods and chattels. 
 Stole them all to pay expenses. 
 
 - y 
 
 ^''^f''- 
 
 JfE inorfts of jf poor forci'sn Artists in g^ ^r^stal palace are eoYa for gf 
 tinuBt of gunga'iHcrrafea^. 
 
 Then he tried to galvanize it 
 Into life with Pierce and Barnum : 
 Even these gigantic humbugs 
 Could n't save the Crystal Palace. 
 By its side he built a temple. 
 Overlooking all the country. 
 Built a temple out of shingles, 
 
A5I0THER FAILURE. 
 
 Higher, far, than Hainan's gallows, 
 Highest tower in all creation. 
 
 227 
 
 Ficia of g^ Eattiitg ©bscrbatorn, also pari of 
 
 S« Cvgstal ^alarr, talun from a f)tgf) 
 
 point on CTonra Eslanti, 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah intended, 
 From its top, to view the motions 
 Of the various heavenly bodies, 
 And control them to his notion ; 
 
228 THE PACIFIC RAILROAD AND 
 
 But he found it would not answer, 
 So, one day, lie kicked it over. 
 
 Then he laid his plans for building, 
 To the sea, a mighty railway. 
 Through the chains of lofty mountains, 
 Far across the tiresome prairies, 
 Over wide and rushing rivers, 
 Letting nothing stay or stop him. 
 Till he run his locomotive 
 From the strand of the Atlantic 
 To the shore of the Pacific. 
 
 This, too, failed, for he had listened 
 To so many differing voices. 
 That his brain, so weak and watery. 
 Soon was utterly bewildered. 
 And because he couldn't run it, 
 Eun his great Pacific railroad. 
 Through each city, town, and village 
 Of each man of his ad^dsers, 
 Kun it through each infant village 
 
AVHY IT FAILED, 
 
 229 
 
 Which could boast a jail and court-house, 
 Kun it through the squire's back garden, 
 Run it through the lawyer's ^Dasture, 
 Run it through the doctor's meadow, 
 Run it through the parson's pig-pen, 
 
 )C i^ap of gc flrrat pacific Bailroati, proposeti to run ang anti c&crsfc^tre, 
 
 to pkage 2^ 5ytoffeI)oIl3trs. gf Skrtcf) is from g^ on'sinal tiraug^t muOe 
 
 in 2*^ gantJ ftg 2*^ tfati ©nginrcr toitf) a inaHung'Sttcft, 
 
 assistctJ 1)2 a ?mall ©03 scratcfjfng for 3liat0. 
 
 Run it through the summer fallow 
 Of each grim and gray-haired granny 
 Who might choose to pay a dollar 
 Toward this national convenience. 
 He gave up his mountain railway ; 
 
230 THE A7ASHINGT0N MONUMENT 
 
 And the great Pacific railway 
 
 Died of squabbling, grasping grannies. 
 
 In a fit of patriotism, 
 He resolved to build a tombstone — 
 Build at Washington a tombstone 
 To the memory of the person 
 Whom he called his " country's father '" 
 And he made a hideous drawing, 
 ■ Hideous in whole and detail. 
 Showing how the promised building 
 Was to look, if e'er completed. 
 Then he sent his cunning agents, 
 Who were smooth of tongue and oily, 
 Who persuaded simple peoj^le 
 That the building would be glorious, 
 That the plan was Art's perfection. 
 Simple-minded, honest people, 
 Whose ideas of architecture 
 Were derived from barns and haystacks. 
 Thought the monument was lovely, 
 
AND WHY IT FAILED. 
 
 231 
 
 Tried by these, the only models, 
 And they paid their dimes and dollars 
 To the oily, smooth-tongued agents. 
 Then the agents begged the marble, 
 
 Sttpposrti to fjabe been a« 
 
 nrtcjinal sitrrscstion for 
 
 inol3rlof8«^Haasi;in[i' 
 
 tan fEoiuimcnt. 
 
 ge SSaasf){nstott iSlonu* 
 
 ment as far as 
 
 it Ijas got. 
 
 Begged the painted blocks of marble. 
 Begged the bricks, and begged the mortar ; 
 But where all the money went to, 
 No one knows except the agents. 
 Thus the land escaped the nuisance, 
 
232 THE ROANOKE AXD ERICSSON 
 
 Thus avoided tlie infliction, 
 And the tower was not erected, 
 Save, perhaps, a half a story. 
 Yunga-Merrakah the weakling, 
 Over again had "tried and couldn't." 
 Then he built a sj^lendid steamer, 
 Built her on his father's model, 
 Built her very well and finely; 
 But his father was n't present, 
 To assist him at the launching. 
 So he broke her back in launching. 
 Smashed his steamboat all to pieces. 
 
 > 
 
 J"/ 
 
 gf tiireful ffalamita tfiat firfcll fiC great Steamboat. 
 
 Then he built another steamer, 
 Made to run without hot water, 
 Only hard coal and caloric ; 
 
AND WHY TITEY DIDN'T GO. 233 
 
 But she ran bo v> rv slowly — 
 Fourteen miles in fifteen hours — 
 That, one day, he rashly sunk her, ^ 
 Sunk her on the Jersey marshes. 
 
 Ficbj of gc C^rt'cgson on f)cr QxanO guccrssful trial trip. 
 
 Then conceived a scheme gigantic, 
 That he 'd dive beneath the ocean, 
 Lay a massive iron cable 
 Down among the shells and seaweed, 
 And would telegraph across it, 
 Telegraph across the ocean. 
 So he made his iron cable. 
 Made his massive, twisted cable, 
 And invited the reporters 
 To be present on the schooner, 
 There to see the ceremony — 
 
234 THE SUBMARINE TELEGRAPH. 
 
 See him, like the Doge of Venice, 
 Wed the sea with metal circlet — 
 But the cable broke to shivers, 
 And the ocean stole the pieces. 
 Then the captain of the schooner. 
 With his crew and the reporters, 
 All got drunk, and went home glorious. 
 
 &^cttf), ftfntJla furntg^rti 62 a great Spirit iStetimtn nut on gf 
 
 EJEabasi^, of a^ lost iirelfsrapljfc dLahle. Uirin supposed 
 
 to he about ten feet from tfje cntt tfjat iroke loose. 
 
 Thus the curse that was upon him, 
 Every day grew more apparent ; 
 And his quick degeneration 
 Was perceived in every action. 
 For the spirit of invention 
 Had departed with his father. 
 All his " water-gas" was gammon ; 
 
FOREIGN AIRS. 235 
 
 All his fire annihilators 
 Would n't put a kitchen fire out. 
 And his theaters were failures, 
 Till he let a woman boss them — 
 Let his Woman's Eights companion 
 Boss the house and take the money- 
 Boss them and cut off the dead-heads, 
 When she made it pay expenses. 
 Then our hero, not contented 
 With his home-made airs and graces, 
 Soon began to put on foreign 
 Airs, and smirks, and affectation ; 
 Tried to speak in choice ItaHan, 
 Or converse in French, the booby. 
 But the superficial knowledge, 
 Which the brainless brat had mustered, 
 Made him speak a mongrel lingo, 
 Bastard French and worse Italian, 
 So contemptible a jargon, 
 That if he had been at Babel, 
 
236 A BREACH OF PROMISE, 
 
 And had uttered such a cackling, 
 The involuntary linguists 
 Mustered at that mixed assemblage, 
 Would have hissed out the intruder, 
 Would have kicked him out instanter. 
 Then he broke his father's bargain, 
 Which had been for years regarded. 
 Broke the promise about Cuffee, 
 Did not keep him in the rice-fields. 
 In the sugar-cane plantations, 
 To the Southward of the landmark. 
 Of the line of Mah-sun-dic-sun. 
 But he led liim up, and Northward, 
 Northward of the flowing river, 
 To the prairie-fields of Kanzas. 
 This was Liberty's dominion, 
 This the land she loved and cherished, 
 This the land she set her heart on. 
 This the land that she had conquered 
 In that tedious fight in Congress, 
 
AND A MUSS. 237 
 
 As a gift from the departed, 
 The lamented Pluri-bus-tah. 
 When she saw the sable Cuffee 
 Trespass upon her possessions, 
 Cross the line of the division, 
 Cross the line of Mah-snn-dic-sufl, 
 She grew raving mad, and fm-ious. 
 Took the first train home from Congress, 
 Bound to find her only ofispring, 
 Yunga-Merrakah, and give him 
 Particular Jesse, if he wouldn't promise to 
 be decent, and behave himself hereafter.'* 
 Liberty, in time, reached Gotham, 
 "Without accident or hindrance. 
 Tired, weary, hot, and dusty. 
 And with anger boiKng over. 
 Search she made to find her offspring,- 
 But the gentleman was missing. 
 Missing from his brown stone mansion^ 
 
 * This line is not a Trochaic. 
 
238 PURSUIT OF SHANGHAI 
 
 " Where can the young rip be gone to ?' 
 
 She, herself interrogated. 
 
 ^' Gone to Burton's or the Bowery ? 
 
 Gone to Wallaces or to Niblo's ? 
 
 Gone to see the Model Artists ? 
 
 Gone to see the Common Council ?* 
 
 Gone to visit the Free Lovers ? 
 
 Gone to meet with the Live Oak Club ?' 
 
 But she asked at all these places, 
 
 And, alas ! she could n't find him. 
 
 Then she went to the apartment 
 
 Of that strange and secret Order, 
 
 Of that mystic band of brothers, 
 
 Whose proceedings are so secret. 
 
 So profound and so mysterious ; 
 
 And the brothers are so faithful. 
 
 That in spite of guard and watchmen, 
 
 * Common Scoundrels has been suggested as being a more 
 appropriate term. See Hist. City of New York, which don't say 
 any thing to the contrary. 
 
UNDER DIFFICULTIES. 239 
 
 Spite of oaths and secret pass-words, 
 Fashioned to exckide Keporters, 
 Their proceedings, so mysterious, 
 And so mystical, are always 
 Published in next morning's Tribune. 
 
 Here went Liberty to seek him. 
 To this room, so dark and silent. 
 To the room of the Dark Lanterns. 
 But the watchman at the portal, 
 Took her for a Monk or Prior, 
 Took her for a Priest or Bishop, 
 Took her for an Emissary 
 Of the Church of Kome, the hated. 
 For his sight was bleared and blinded 
 By the arts of the Dark Lanterns, 
 And he only saw a Bishop, 
 Saw a foreign, Komish Bishop, 
 Though 't was Liberty in person ! 
 Then he slammed the door upon her, 
 And the lady, straight, departed. 
 
240 LIBERTY STILL SEARCHES, 
 
 Thus it was that the Dark Lanterns 
 Did not know the God they worshiped, 
 
 •: : ■ ill:'] i I ^ 
 
 Ji^ fet'gflant boor-ferfprr of jif Dark ILantcrn ILo^se fiarretf) jj^ tioor agatttat 
 g^ great ILibrrtn. 
 
 Do not know the God they worship, 
 But deny her face, as Peter 
 Once denied his Lord and Master. 
 What it is they really worship, 
 May be you can tell, for I can't. 
 
 Liberty, thus unsuccessful, 
 Asked a watchman for directions, 
 Where to find her absent youngster. 
 Thus she found where he had gone to, 
 Gone to hear the great French actress. 
 Gone to hear Kachel, the actress. 
 Jabber French for Yankee dollars. 
 
AND AT LAST FINDS HER SON. 241 
 
 Liberty went in, a dead-head, 
 In the boxes found her offspring, 
 With his hair all oiled and greasy. 
 Just as it had come from Phalon's, 
 With an opera-glass before him, 
 With a play-book in his fingers, 
 Trying to follow the great actress, 
 
 portrait of gf gwat ISac^rl. from g^ orfsinal sftetcf) translattti from b* last 
 
 JFrencf) coition : taften at t^c moment sf;e is supposcti to saj), 
 
 "^ollg iiods fancg." 
 
 "Making believe" he understood her, 
 
 And his vixen wife sat by him. 
 11 
 
242 HE CUTS HER DEAD. 
 
 When the young man saw his mother 
 In her soiled and dusty garments, 
 Without hoops, or silks, or laces, 
 Without opera-cloak or diamonds, 
 Lacking all the elegances 
 Of a fashionable wardrobe, 
 Thinking to himself, he muttered, 
 " Snobistocracy will wonder, 
 Mrs. Grundy turn her nose up, 
 ' If I recognize that woman ; 
 And the best thing I can think of. 
 Is to cut her dead as blazes." 
 So he fixed his glass upon her, 
 Stared with both eyes full upon her 
 Then refused to recognize her. 
 Looked as if he did n't know her, 
 Turned his gaze upon the actress. 
 On the chattering Gallic actress. 
 And pretended to be listening. 
 
HER CONSEQUENT WRATH. 243 
 
 gtingH'-iKerTaftaf) transSiet^ ^ maternal parunt. 
 
 Liberty "saw through the mill-stone/' 
 And marked out her course of action ; 
 So she marched outside the "show-shop/ 
 Took her station on the curbstone, 
 Then began, and spake as follows : 
 " Good-by, Yengah land, I leave you ; 
 You have swindled and betrayed me ; 
 Yunga-Merrakah, I leave you — 
 You have humbled and abused me ; 
 I disown you, I deny you : 
 You 're no child of mine, by thunder !" 
 Then she caught the Yengah eagle 
 
244 
 
 HER FINAL EXIT. 
 
 By the neck, and wrung his head off, 
 Wrapped the stars and stripes about her, 
 Took the ferry-boat for Jersey, 
 Leaving Yengah land forever. 
 
 iLfterta tjecapitatet^ s^ ©aflU, 
 
XXIY 
 
 
 mff' 
 
 EUS the lady left the country, 
 Left her weak, degenerate off- 
 spring. 
 '^J^' From this time our puny hero 
 
 gunsa.iwertakaf) tomctf) j^^gter sped uuto his ruiu ; 
 
 out of s^ Itttle txxQ of n' 
 
 l^otn. Smaller grew each day, and 
 
 meaner ; 
 
246 HIS DOWNHILL JOURNEY. 
 
 And the sun, each night descending, 
 Found him less than in the morning; 
 And the sun, each morn arising, 
 Found him smaller than at evening. 
 One by one, he lost the virtues, 
 Lost the few and scanty virtues — 
 
 gunga'jW^erraftaj^ tmitatetf), in tiresg attlJ mannetiJ, s« 
 once swat famflg callc^i gC CSamblcrs. 
 
 Virtues of whose solid substance, 
 He had once possessed the shadow ; 
 Lost that glimmering of manhood, 
 Lost that semblance faint of honor, 
 
SYMPTOMS OF TROUBLE. 247 
 
 Lost those signs of earnest vigor 
 
 Of which he, in youth, had boasted. 
 
 But his trickery and cunning, 
 
 All his greed, and wile, and shrewdness, 
 
 All his love of mean intriguing, 
 Still remained as strong as ever j 
 And he only lacked the power 
 
 Still to be a noted villain. 
 
 Now the Northmen and the Southmen, 
 
 After many a year of quarrel 
 
 On the ancient Cuffee question, 
 
 Came, at last, to open battle 
 
 On the bloody field of Kansas ; 
 
 There to have the final struggle 
 
 For the ownership of Cufiee 
 
 And the lordship of the country. 
 
 Both the armies now were mustered ; 
 
 From the North, the furious legions 
 
 Hastened to the place of fighting, 
 
 A^rmed with swords, and armed with pistols, 
 
248 THE NORTH AND SOUTH AKM FOE BATTLE, 
 
 Armed with tracts, and armed with Bibles, 
 Armed with Beecher's *^ moral rifles," 
 Which would preach most moving sermons, 
 And convince their foes of error. 
 
 tMmi: 
 
 CmpIetttJnts of Iain anTi orticr tuntila furnts^clj to g^ patriotic inf)a6ttants 
 of 2^ countra calkti Hansas fig gf Nortfj anti a^ Sout^. 
 
 From the South came other legions, 
 Also ready for the struggle. 
 Also armed with swords and pistols, 
 Bowie-knives and long revolvers, 
 With a store of stinging horsewhips, 
 With a store of tar and feathers. 
 To regale their captive foemen. 
 Treat their anti-slavery foemen. 
 When they should have made them prisoners. 
 
AND THE FUN BEGINS. 240 
 
 After preaching from the parsons, 
 After speeches from the leaders, 
 After whisky from the harrels, 
 Both the armies took their coats off, 
 And prepared for deadly conflict. 
 Then they all mixed in together, 
 Had a grand, impartial battle, 
 No one showing fear or favor, 
 No one crying quit, or quarter, 
 Each one slashing up his neighbor, 
 Shooting, stabbing friend and brother, 
 In one great, promiscuous murder. 
 
 There, for years, they kept the fight up, 
 
 From the South and North recruiting, 
 
 As their forces, both, diminished, 
 
 Till at last the very women. 
 
 All the women and the children 
 
 Of the land of Pluri-bus-tah, 
 
 On the fatal field had fallen. 
 
 And the land was all deserted. 
 11* 
 
250 CUFFEE, WATCHING HIS OPPORTUNITY, 
 
 Cuflfee, when the fight was ended, 
 Took possession of the country, 
 And himself the King elected. 
 
 ^f once mxit!) pcrsecuteli 33IacfesntoDr creatctfj t){ntg£lf Itiitg of a« grtat 
 rnurttrs of 2^ Uefunct ^Iuri«bus«ta^. 
 
 Thus was modernized the fable 
 
 Of the cats, and cheese and monkey. 
 
 Thus did Cuff become the ruler, 
 
 Ruler and the sole survivor, 
 
 Save his puny, former master, 
 
 In the land of Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
 Then he crossed the ancient landmark, 
 Crossed the line of Mah-sun-dic-sun, 
 Came from Kansas and Nebraska, 
 Owning all the Yengah nation. 
 
ELECTS HIMSELF CHIEF COOK. 
 
 All the cities, all the country, 
 Were the property of Cuffee, 
 And the city of Manhattan 
 Was the home of conquering Cuffee. 
 He had risen against his master, 
 Kisen against his puny master^ 
 Yunga-Merrakah, his master, 
 And beneath his thumb had got him. 
 
 25X 
 
 ge Bins maHet!) Suttga- jjaertafta^ m f)t3 pofeer. 
 
 Cuffee, now, his wrongs remembering. 
 Which he, in his youth had suffered, 
 From the father, Pluri-bus-tah, 
 On the son now turned the tables. 
 Made him pull his Shanghai coat off, 
 
252 HOW HE SEKVED HIS MASTER. 
 
 Made him take a spade and pick-ax 
 Suited to his small dimensions, 
 Made him sweat, and slave, and labor, 
 As old Cuffee did before him. 
 
 All the fields were now neglected, 
 Undisturbed by plow or harrow, 
 All the verdant, fertile meadows. 
 Blooming prairies, waving corn-fields 
 AU the Southern broad plantations, 
 
 g« remains of gf urcat ftoorinaa of gf ancient , 
 Cemple calleli gc igistor. 
 
 All the Northern wide spread grain-fields. 
 Changed into a dreary desert. 
 
WHAT BECOMES OF THE COUNTRY. 
 
 Overgrown with thorns and thistles, 
 Home for toads and crawling serpents. 
 
 Years passed on and sable Cuffee, 
 Ignorant and unenlightened, 
 Could not rule the wide-spread country, 
 From which he had driven his master, 
 Knew not how to rule the sources 
 From which it derived its greatness. 
 Then the Lathe and Engine rusted, 
 
 253 
 
 l&elics fount! in a^ Buins of a^ 'ancitnt ilHan'^attan. 
 
 Then the Loom, the Press, the Anvil, 
 In the mold of earth were buried. 
 Then the Eailroad was forgotten, 
 
254 YUNGA-MERRAKAH GOES TO WORK. 
 
 Then the Locomotive, useless, 
 
 Then the Lightning broke the fetters 
 
 With which Morse to earth had chained it, 
 
 And escaping, fled forever. 
 
 In the docks the shipping rotted, 
 
 And the sea, no more a servant. 
 
 Wrecked and ruined all the steamers. 
 
 Years rolled on, and buildings molderedj 
 
 Years rolled on, and desolation 
 
 Kuled the land of Pluri-bus-tah. 
 
 Yunga-Merrakah had dwindled 
 To a size so small and tiny. 
 That if the distinguished General 
 Thomas Thumb was placed beside him, 
 Tom would seem a monstrous giant. 
 And the unforgiving Cuffee, 
 Stern and unrelenting Cuffee, 
 Kept his cruel thumb upon him. 
 Made him wield the spade and pick-ax. 
 Wield them, not for gain or profit. 
 
TRAGICAL END OF THE HERO. 255 
 
 Only for black CufFee's pleasure, 
 Only to glut Cuffee's vengeance. 
 
 linii 
 
 Se !3lacftamoor Btng etiucatctt) Sunga-iPerraftaf) <nto g 
 mastcrifs of tatU inorfe. 
 
 One day making excavations, 
 In the ruins of Manhattan, 
 The great city of Manhattan, 
 Yunga-Merrakah discovered, 
 Something huge, and round, and shining. 
 Days he tugged and toiled to get it, 
 From the ruins to unearth it. 
 And, at last, almost succeeded. 
 When the monstrous mass of metal 
 Toppled over— crushed him— smashed him, 
 Smashed him into human chowder. 
 
266 CUFFEE BEING LEFT SOLITARY 
 
 For it was his father's idol, 
 Was old Pluri-bus-tah's idol ; 
 It was the Almighty dollar. 
 Yunga-Merrakah thus perished, 
 Seeking the Almighty dollar, 
 Smashed so far beyond redemption, 
 That at the great final roll-call, 
 Yunga-Merrakah won't answer; 
 For his life, his soul, his spirit. 
 All were sacrificed together. 
 Were demolished by the dollar. 
 Smashed by the Almighty dollar. 
 
 Cuffee, thus remaining solus 
 (All his friends long since were buried) 
 In the rums of Manhattan, 
 Last of all the Yengah nation. 
 Strolled up Broadway, now deserted. 
 To the former site of " Christy's." 
 Here he kicked about the ruins 
 In a most ferocious manner. 
 
CONSOLES HIMSELF WITH MUSIC. 
 
 Till his foot turned up a banjo 
 Which had there remained for ages, 
 Eeady strung and tuned for playing. 
 Cuffee gazed upon the banjo, 
 Then he looked upon the dollar. 
 
 257 
 
 Ittng 33Iacftatnoor 'Ciigroiorvrtfj, in 2*^ ruins of gt ancient STempU of a« 
 iSIaclt iKluscs, a bcneraile JSanfo. 
 
 Liberty was stamped upon it, 
 Liberty, her form and image — 
 And her only form and image 
 Left in all that wide-spread country, 
 Was her form upon the dollar. 
 
268 HE VISITS TAMMANY HALL. 
 
 Cuffee sat him down and pondered. 
 Pondered how to spend the dollar. 
 No more rum, and no more whisky, 
 No more music, and no more dancing. 
 How shall Cuffee spend his dollar ? 
 Echo answered, "Gin and sugar/' 
 Down to Tammany he hastened, 
 Thinking, as he hurried onward, 
 There, where Democrats assembled, 
 There, where ruled the mighty Kynders, 
 There '11 be liquor found, if any 
 Has survived the lapse of ages. 
 
 gf Iting fjigitctf) 2^ ruins of jjf famous STammana. 
 
 Soon he reached the ancient ruin, 
 And amid the bricks and mortar, 
 
WHERB HE SINGS HIS DEATH SONG. 259 
 
 Found a mighty smell of whisky, 
 Only this and nothing further.'* 
 
 Then he set the dollar edgewise, 
 Then he took the tuneful banjo, 
 
 Jg« &infl fiecomett lonegome. iStngEtf) g^ platntibe tjcat^^'song, comnwnctnfi 
 " I'm Qioint atnag to Ifa&e gou," ^c, antJ iieg. 
 
 Gazed upon the lonely image, 
 And extemporized his death-song ; 
 To the air of Yankee Doodle, 
 Ancient air of Yankee Doodle, 
 
 * " You may break, you may shatter the vase if you will, 
 
 But the scent of the roses will hang round it still." — Moore» 
 
260 MELANCHOLY DEATH OF CUFFEE. 
 
 Sung his sad and cruel death-song, 
 
 Like the Indians that you read of 
 
 In the song of Hiawatha. 
 
 Then he laid him down and died there, 
 
 With the banjo in his fingers, 
 
 With his feet stuck through a coal-hole^, 
 
 With his nose among the cinders, 
 
 And his mouth half full of ashes. 
 
 Cuffee laid him down and died there, 
 
 And the dollar was his head-stone. 
 
 Thus our every-day-seen hero, 
 Yunga-Merrakah, had fizzled ; 
 Cuffee also was a corpus, 
 Like poor Villikins' fair Dinah— 
 And the mighty Yengah nation 
 Now was perished and forgotten, 
 While its only trace or token. 
 Was the last, Almighty doUar. 
 
 In the land of the Hereafter, 
 When the Master of life shall seek us, 
 
GRAND FINALE. 
 
 261 
 
 Seek to find this Yengah nation, 
 He shall only find its symbul, 
 Only the Almighty dollar. 
 The Almighty, Yankee dollar, 
 Our sole delegate to Heaven, 
 Then shall represent our nation 
 In that glorious "good time coming,' 
 In the land of the Hereafter. 
 
 igf BtantJ Catsgtwptf. ge Sllmifitlta ©oUar crugfjett Sunga-iailerraltaf). 
 
MORAL 
 
 FINIS. 
 
NOTE. 
 
 AN 
 
 AUTHENTIC HISTORY 
 
 OF OUR 
 
 The autograph attached to the Frontispiece 
 is a fac-simile, taken from the original signature 
 on a six months' note-of-hand for two and nine- 
 pence sterling, given by Pluri-bus-tah in settle- 
 ment of a bill for a rump steak, at a porter- 
 house. The descendants of the illustrious hero, 
 not wishing to make public the fact that he set- 
 tled so small a bill in so unusual a manner, tore 
 the name from the paper, and it was only res- 
 cued from destruction, and preserved to the world, 
 
264 NOTE. 
 
 by a providential accident. The engraving is an 
 accurate copy of an old and exceedingly scarce 
 picture, which was discovered, [by a small boy 
 who was in search ot a martin's nest,] under the 
 west end of the third clapboard from the bottom, 
 on the belfry of the old shingle church, which 
 stands half-way up the hill on the shady side of 
 the frog-pond, with its gable end fronting the 
 pump. The likeness is said to be admirably 
 correct. 
 
Just FiihlisTied, 
 
 A NEW AND IMPROVED EDITION OP THE CHEAPEST AND BEST WORK 
 
 ON ARCHITECTURE. 
 
 THE CAEPENTER'S ASSISTANT 
 
 AND 
 
 RURAL ARCHITECT. 
 
 Illustrated with upwards of Two Hundred Copper and Electrotype 
 
 Plates ; 
 Embracing the orders of Architecture, Modern and Practical Stair Building, 
 Plans, Elevations, Grounds, etc., etc., of Cottages, Villas, and Farm Buildings, in- 
 cluding Church Edifices. 
 
 BY WILLIAM BROWN AND LEWIS E. JOY, 
 
 ARCHITECTS. 
 
 Twenty-first Thousand — Large Quarto, bound in Leather, $3 50 
 Do. Do. Bound in Morocco, marble edges, 5 00 
 
 OPINIONS OF THE WORK: 
 
 [From the Telegraph.] 
 This is a book which every carpenter and house builder should own. 
 
 Mr. LivERMORE : 
 
 Dear Sir,— I have deemed the "Carpenters Assistant and Rural Architect," by 
 Messrs. Brown and Joy, published by you, as one of the most valuable guides and 
 books of reference in my library, and take an early opportunity to congratu- 
 late you on the appearance of a new and improved edition of the work, which I 
 have just purchased. 
 
 The Lithographic Plates, comprising designs for church edifices, adds in my opi- 
 nion a striking feature to the book, and I have no hesitation in averring that it will 
 be sought for by every Architect, Builder, and Carpenter in our country, who 
 wishes to possess the most concise and practical treatise published. 
 
 Respectfully yours, 
 SAMUEL PHILLIPS, Architect and Builder, Boston. 
 
 From Practical Carpenters and Architects. 
 We, the undersigned citizens of Worcester, Mass., practical carpentei-s, are per- 
 sonally acquainted with William Brown, Esq., Architect, and author of a worlc, 
 entitled the " Carpenter''8 Assistant and Eural Architect.''^ We have examined 
 that work with attention, and commend it to all who are interested in the study or 
 practice of the art, as a valuable treatise on architecture, and it is eminently prac- 
 tical in its character. We cheerfully recommend it to the patronage of carpenters 
 and the public. 
 
 EDVvARD lamb, J. S. WOODWORTH, W. R. BIGELOW, 
 
 FREEMAN UPHAM, M. H. MORSE, HORATIO N. TOWER. 
 
 P. W. TAFT, S. D. HARDING, 
 
 I have carefully examined the " Carpenter's Assistant and Rural Architect," and 
 believe it to be a work well adapted to meet the wants of the practical workman, 
 being practical in its character, and valuable for the perspicuity of its arrangement, 
 clearness of its designs, and brevity of its explanations. 
 
 I would most cheerfully recommend it to the patronage of carpenters and stu- 
 dents. ELBRIDGE BOYDEN, Architect. 
 
 Mr. Brown : 
 
 Sir, — I have examined your work on aixhitecture, and feeling confident of its 
 utility, from its extreme simplicity and singular adaptedness to meet the wants of 
 the carpenters, I do cheerfully recommend it to the condition of every carpenter, 
 especially the apprentice, who will find all the rudiments of architecture necessary, 
 as well as designs for practice. A. L. BROOKS. 
 
 LIYERMOKE & RUDD, Publishers, 
 
 310 Broadway, New York. 
 
Fully Ulustrated with fine tinted Engravings, by the most eminent artist* 
 An elegant 12mo. vol. bound in Muslin, gilt extra. $1. 
 
A BOOK FEOM "DOESTICKS." 
 
 THE GREAT AMERICAN WIT AND HUMORIST 1 
 
 BY Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B. 
 
 Fully Illustrated hy the most eminent Artists^ 12mo.^ hound in muslin^ 
 
 gilt extra^ $1. 
 12,7'73 copies of this remarkable book, were sold in five days following 
 the day of publication ; and from every part of the country the demand 
 still continues. 
 
 H^jiat ^t $^t 
 
 This volume, abounding in mirth-provoking sketches of persons and places, filled witJi 
 humor, wit, and satire, convulses the reader with laughter from the title-page to the close. 
 In the language of an eminent journalist, who speaks of tho book : 
 
 " From the first word in the introduction to the last of the narrative, Doesticks' book is a 
 running fire of comicality. In taking up the book, the reader fimJ* himself precisely m the 
 same condition as the man who, after getting into a boat, is borne down a pleasant stream 
 independent of his own volition. He must go on, and he is glad to go on, too." 
 
 Contents. 
 
 How Doesticks came to think of it ; Doesticks satisfies Philander ; D'<esticks visits 
 Niagara ; Doesticks on a Bender ; Seeking a Fortune ; Railroad Felicities ; Sees the Lions ; 
 Barnum's Museum; Modtl Boarding Houses; Potency of Croton Water — or an Atjueous 
 quality hitherto unknown; Modern Witchcraft; City Target Excuision ; A New Patent 
 Medicine Operation ; Doesticks Running with the " Masheen ;" Street Preaching ; A Zea- 
 lous Trio; Disappointed Love ; Modern Patent Piety ; Church Going in the City; Benevo- 
 lence run mad; Charitable Cheating; Millerite Jubilee — How they didn't go up; The 
 Great "American Tragedian ;" " Side Shows" of the City ; New Year's Day in New York 
 Amusement for the Million; A 2:40 Sleigh Ride; Cupid in Cold Weather; Valentine's 
 Day ; The Kentucky Tavern ; The River Darkies ; The Thespian Wigwam ; Theatricals 
 again ; A Night at the Bowery ; Mysterious Secrets of the K.-N.'s ; A MrJnight Initiation , 
 Philander Fooled ; A Diabolical Conspiracy; A Shanghae Infernal Machine ; An Evening 
 with the Spiritualists ; Rampant Ghostology ; Special Express from Dog Paradise ; A 
 Canine Ghost ; 'Lection Day ; " Paddy" vcr5i/5 "Sam;" Police Adventures: Mayor Wood 
 A'-ound ; Damphool Defunct ; Place of his Exile ; Description Thereof — and Exit ; Keeping 
 the Maine Law ; Theatricals once more ; Shakesi)eare DarKeyized ; Macbeth m High 
 Colors ; Young A«nerica in Long Dresses ; Great Excitement iu Babydom. 
 
 The Home Journal (N. P. Willis, Esq., Editor), says : 
 
 " Things so copied, so talked of, so pulled out of every pocket to be lent to you, so quoted 
 and so relished and laughed over, as Doesticks' writings never were launched into print." 
 
 " This book will ' take,' and is bound to sell." — Boston Post. 
 
 "One can read the book again and again, and not tire." — Detroit Daily Advertiser. 
 
 " Any mirth-inclined reader will get the book's worth of fun out of four chapters in tl e 
 ■work. It is beautifully illustrated." — N. Y. U. S. Journal. 
 
 " We can promise our readers a hearty laugh over this book." — New Bedford Mercury. 
 
 " The reader is advised to see to his buttons before procuring the volume." — Salem 
 Repisttr. 
 
 " No original comic writer has appeared in this country before Mr. Thompson, alias Doe- 
 sticks ; he will, we think, achieve a position as a literary humorist, of which he and his 
 country will have occasion to be proud." — JV. Y. Critic. 
 
 " We cordially recommend this volume, not only as a successful debut in a new field of 
 literature, but as a quaint teacher of morahty, a promoter of good works, and an improve! 
 •f public taste." — Newark {N. J.) Advertiser. 
 
 LIVEEMOEE & RUDD, Publishers, 310 Broadway, New York. 
 
DOESTICKS' BOOKS. 
 
 12mo, Cloth, per Yolume; $1 00. 
 
 ■Among the numerous testimonials fi'om the press in all sections of 
 the country, we select the following, proving that the author's produc- 
 tions will be sought for and read by thousands of admirers. 
 
 NOTICES OF THE PRESS. 
 
 "A humorist and a satirist of a very liigli order. His blows are aimed •with 
 severe accuracy against a vast number of the follies, fraUties, and humbugs of 
 the day." — Baltimore American^ Md. 
 
 " He shows up many of the modern popular humbugs in a very strong light, and 
 handles them most unmercifully." — Dayton (Ohio) Daily Empire. 
 
 " Doesticks is a wonder. The same happy spirit seems to pervade the author 
 and the artist — the illustrations of the latter are quite up to anything Cruikshank 
 ever achieved in the same line. If anybody can look at these spiritings of the 
 pencil without a loud laugh, he is certainly out of our list of even grand fellows— 
 but to enter fully into the pleasing features of the work — to laugh over the jokes, 
 to enjoy the home-thrusts of wit and satire, our friends must buy the book itself." 
 — Sunday Mercury, N. Y. 
 
 " Doesticks is one of the few immortal names that were not bom to die. Doe- 
 sticks will always be with us. We have only to step into our library, and behold 
 there is the ubiquitous Doesticks 1 "We take him by the hand — we listen to the 
 thoughts that breathe — the quaint philosophy — the piquant illusti-ation ! Doesticks 
 all over — Doesticks in every page — in every line ! Do you wish to make the ac- 
 quaintance of Doesticks? Every body does." — New York Railway Journal. 
 
 " The illustrations are in admirable keeping with the general tone of these ' un- 
 precedented extravagances,' and wiU help to introduce Doesticks and his com- 
 panions to a large circle of acquaintances." — McMakin's Philadelphia Saturday 
 Courier. 
 
 "'Doesticks' is irresistibly funny." — P, T. Bamurri's Letter to the K Y. 
 Tribune. 
 
 " Renown has made the euphonious name of ' Doesticks' familiar to the ear of 
 all the reading public throughout the length and breadth of the land. Those who 
 would eschew the blues, and drive dull care away, should read Doesticks — what 
 he says." — Lanslnghurg Gazette, N. Y. 
 
 " The ' Doesticks' book is befoi'e us. Its inimitable fun sticks to us long after 
 we have shut the book — its rollicking humor comes back to us in gusts." — Boston 
 Chronicle. 
 
 " Doesticks is an original genius. His book is just the thing to pick up at odd 
 moments, when time hangs heavy, and the mind seeks to be amused." — Gazette 
 and Democrat, Reading, Pa. 
 
 " The essays of the rich, racy, humorous, and original Doesticks will be read 
 by thousands." — Xeio Orleans Bee. 
 
 " Doesticks' fun is not of the artiiicial, spasmodic order, it arises from a keen 
 perception of the humorous side of things." — New York Tribune. 
 
 " His blows at humbug are trenchant, and his sympathies are ever with hu- 
 manity." — Boston Evening Gazette. 
 
 " Doesticks comes to us like a full and sparkling goblet, overflowing with the 
 rich and brilliant sayings of an original mind. If you would drive away the ' Blue 
 Devils,' purchase Doesticks, and every sketch you read will be better than any 
 pill for the indigestion." — The Uncle Saunuel, Boston. 
 
 "Wliat Cruikshanks, Leech, or Gavarni does with the pencil, he accomplishes 
 with the pen." — The N. Y. Dutchman. 
 
 " The author is a humorist and a satirist of a very high order. His blows are 
 aimed with severe accuracy against a vast number of the follies, frailties, and 
 humbugs of the day," — American^and Commercial Advertiser, Baltimore, Md. 
 
 LIVERMORE & RUDD, Publishers, 
 
 310 BuoADWAY, New York. 
 
"DON'T CRACK YOUR SIDES." 
 
 WILL APPEAR IN MAY, 
 
 I 
 
 PICKED PBOM THE PATCH OF 
 
 INVISIBLE GREEN, ESQ. 
 
 A quaint title, dear reader, is it not ? Yet one that will answer well 
 to introduce to the public in book form a series of graphic delineations 
 which have at irregular intervals enlivened the columns of one of the 
 principal journals of the Queen City. They have attracted much atten- 
 tion not only there, but in all parts of the Union, for their genial humor 
 and sprightliness, the faithfulness with which the writer has sketched 
 the pecuharities of the " characters" with whom he has come in con- 
 tact during his daily rambles, and also for the excellent moral tone 
 which pervades them throughout. They convey many an earnest 
 lesson in life, even while causing the reader to shake his sides at the 
 ludicrousness of the picture drawn. 
 
 His happy manner of hitting off the foibles, holduig up to contempt 
 the vices, and enlisting the better feelings in favor of the often imde- 
 served miseries of those in the lower walks of city hfe, have made 
 '■^ Invisiby hosts of friends in all parts of the country; and their 
 number has been largely increased by the frequency with which his 
 shorter sketches have "gone the rounds of the press." 
 
 To the lovers of true humor we can recommend this volume. 
 
 It will be extensively illustrated with cuts, from designs by McLenan, 
 who is aheady favorably known to the pubhc, especially in his inimit- 
 able illustrations of " Plvrri-hus-tahy 
 
 LIYERMORE & RUDD, Publishers, 
 
 310 Beoadway, New York, 
 
A BOOK THAT ¥ILL MAKE ITS MARK! 
 
 IN PEESS. 
 
 The undersigned have the satisfaction of announcing to the Public 
 and the Trade that thej have in Press, and will Publish in April, an 
 original fiction of unusual interest and merit, by an American writer, 
 entitled, 
 
 ASPENWOLD. 
 
 The claims of this work to a high place in the front rank of our na- 
 tional hterature will be admitted by every reader whose critical abilities 
 enable him to appreciate authorial excellence. 
 
 It is written hi the form of an autobiography, like the works of Mae- 
 ETATT, and win favorably compare with the best of that popular writer's 
 productions. 
 
 It is free from the hackneyed incidents which comprise the principal 
 stock in trade of most of our modem novelists, and js emphatically 
 
 .^ :F:EUElf^JE3L 
 
 in the ripest sense of that much-abused term. 
 
 For its strength and naturalness of description, the reader will be 
 reminded of Cooper; in the flowing style of its narrative, of Marry at; 
 in the earnestness of its thought and diction, of Currer Bell ; and in 
 the completeness of its characters, of Charles Dickens. 
 
 The power and originahty of the work wiU ensure it a mde sale, and 
 secure a popularity for its author enjoyed by few. 
 
 Embellished with a beautifal rrontL«pie?e. 
 408 Pages, 12mo, Cloth. Price $1 25. 
 
 LIYERMORE & RUDD, Publishers, 
 
 310 Bkoadwat, New Yoke. 
 
THE MEMOIRS 
 
 OP 
 
 Rev. spencer H. CONE, D.D., 
 
 A BAPTIST PREACHEB IN AMERICA. 
 
 (PREPARED BY HIS SONS.) 
 
 Dr. Cone, late Pastor of the First Baptist Church, city of New York, 
 was President of the American Bible Union, correspondent and friend 
 jf Adoniram Judson, the eminent missionary, and one of the most re- 
 iQarkable men of the present age. 
 
 The Bible Union Quarterly thus speaks of him — 
 
 "Whose heart is not heavy with the swelling emotions of sorrow, as 
 he seeks in vain in his wonted place for that beloved form, whose very 
 presence in our meetings was a strength and a joy ; and the thought 
 rises that he shalT'see his face no more,' no more hear that familiar 
 voice which ever rung like a clarion-peal in defence and advocacy of 
 the highest and holiest truth, and in cheer and encouragement to its 
 faithful friends, and whose very name was a guaranty of success to 
 every enterprise and principle to which he gave his heart and soul. 
 May God have mercy on the man who can cherish aught but honor, 
 tove, and gratitude for the character and services of Spencer H. Cone.'* 
 
 The New York Chronicle in announcing this work in press, says — 
 "As this work has been prepared under the immediate inspection of 
 ihe family of Dr. Cone, there is every reason to suppose that it will be 
 a complete, accurate, and in every way reliable memoir of our lamented 
 Drother, and we beheve aU of our readers whl wish to possess it." 
 
 Dr. Cone's life was full of romance and incident, as well as a bright 
 example of Christian virtues ; and the volume is one which should find 
 a welcome at every fireside, and a place in every family hbrary. 
 
 480 pages 12mo, Bound in Mushn, Printed on fine White Paper, 
 Price $1 25, and Embelhshed with a 
 
 STEEL PORTRAIT, 
 
 Engraved by Buttre, whose reputation as an Artist is unapproachable. 
 
 LIYERMORE & RUDD, Publishers, 
 
 310 Beoadway, New York. 
 
WILL BE PUBLISHED IN JUNE, 
 
 BY 
 
 g. K. Philander Doesticks, P.B. 
 
 AND 
 
 Knight Russ Ockside, M.D., 
 
 ll^g^WO^l & ^ViM. 
 
 310 BROADWAY, 
 
A NEW DOMESTIC GUIDE FOE EVEEY FAMILY! 
 
 THE AMERICAN 
 
 COTTAGE COOKERY-BOOK; 
 
 OR, 
 
 HOUSEKEEPING MADE EASY, PLEASANT AND ECONOMICAL 
 IN ALL ITS DEPARTMENTS 
 
 E KESULT OF MANY TEARS' PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE AND OBSER- 
 VATION, AND DESIGNED AS A RELIABLE AID TO THOSE WHO 
 STUDY ECONOMY OF TIME- AND MATERIALS. 
 
 By EMILY THORNWELL. 
 
 12m(?., Illustrated, cloth back, 45 cts., 12mo., Illustrated, cloth gilt, 75 cts. 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 LIYERMOEE «fe RUDD, PUBLISHERS, 810 BROADWAY, 
 
 1856. 
 
- DESIRABLE ILLUSTRATED 
 
 BOUND IN BOARDS, RED CLOTH BACKS. 
 FOR GOOD CHILDREN. 
 
 Square 16mo, 12 Pages each, put up in Packages of 12, $1 50. 
 
 CHARLES'S JOURNEY TO FRANCE, . . By Mrs. Barbauld. 
 
 STORIES ABOUT ANIMALS, ^y Uncle Thomas. 
 
 POETICAL TALES, By Mary Howitt. 
 
 STORIES OF THE MONTHS, By Mrs. Barbauld. 
 
 PHEBE, THE BLACKBERRY GIRL, ... By Uncle Thomas. 
 
 GRIMALKIN AND LITTLE FIDO, ... By Uncle Thomas. 
 
 » ♦ » ■■ . 
 
 Btmim IBS ^mtmmw, 
 
 BY MRS. COLEMAN. 
 
 Square 16mo, 64 Pages each, put up in Packages of 12, $1 50. 
 
 CHARLES AND EMILY. 
 FAITHFUL WALTER. 
 ORPHAN BOY'S TRIALS. 
 LITTLE DOG TRUSTY, &c., &0. 
 TRUE BENEVOLENCE. 
 THE CARRIER PIGEON. 
 ANNA'S TRIALS. 
 JOHN'S ADVENTURES. 
 WENDELINE AND HER LADY-BUG. 
 
 LIYERMOKE & RUDD, Publishers, 
 
 310 Beoadway, New Yoek, 
 
■:^^^ffl'' 
 
 i^^ 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 016 165 912 5