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 THE 
 
 DETECTOR 
 
 OF 
 
 QUACKERY;' 
 
 OR, 
 
 ANALYSER of MEDICAL, PHILOSOPHICAL, 
 
 POLITICAL, DRAMATIC, and LITERARY 
 
 IMPOSTURE. 
 
 By JOHN COURT, 
 
 Author of " A Satirical View of London at tus 
 Commencement of the Nineteenth Century " &c. 
 
 La Satire ****** 
 
 * * seule bravant Torgueil, et l'injustice, 
 
 Va jusques sous le dais faire palir le vice. Boileau* 
 
 Despairing Quacks with curses fled the place. Pope. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 PRINTED FOR T« HURST, PATERNGSTER-ROW ; J, 
 RIDGVVAY, YORK-STREET, ST. J AMEs's-SqU AR Ej 
 R. OGLE, TURNSTILE ; J.HUGHES, WIGMORE- 
 STREET ; R. THURGOOD, NEWGATE- 
 STREET; & OGLE & AIKMAN, 
 EDINBURGH. 
 
 1802. 
 
 St. Da-vUo?i > IFbiU-Frijorj* 
 
: - 4- 
 

 To 
 
 Thai most liberal Patron y 
 
 The BRITISH PUBLIC, 
 
 Whose Munificence confers Riches on 
 EMFIRICS and IMPOSTORS 
 
 Of every Description j 
 This Book is respectfully inscribed 
 jBy 
 
 The AUTHOR, 
 
ERRATA. 
 
 ^ a £6 53> ^ n e 1 6, for but true, ra*i true^ but. 
 
 75s . 20, . white to be, read, white robe. 
 83, . i6> » iron chest of the coffer, read, iroa 
 chest of, the banker* 
 
 T. Davison, 
 
 "Whke-Friara. 
 
DETECTOR OF QUACKERY. 
 
 MEDICAL EMPIRICISM. 
 
 Arm'd for Virtue when I point the pen, 
 
 Brand the bold front of shameless guilty men j 
 He2r this, and tremble ! you who' scape the laws. 
 
 To Virtue only and her friends a friend, 
 The world beside may censure or commend. 
 
 G 
 
 REDULITY, which may be called the foible of a 
 
 Pgood heart, has in all ages rendered the worthy part 
 of mankind dupes to the artifice of the knavish, who, 
 unrestrained by principle, are ever eager to profit by 
 the unsuspicious disposition of generous minds. 
 
 Among the various kinds of imposture practised in 
 polished society, Quackery has been the most success- 
 
 kful, in consequence of the extreme respect paid to the 
 A professors 
 
professors of the art of healing. Our ancestors, indeed, 
 like the ancient Greeks, seem to have considered the 
 knowledge of medicine as an immediate communica- 
 tion from Heaven ; hence physicians were not account- 
 able to man for any accident which might attend the 
 administration of remedies. 
 
 Empirics profited by the superstition of mankind, 
 and while the wretch who committed a robbery was 
 condemned to an ignominious death, the dispensers of 
 nostrums, which deprived many individuals of their 
 property and their lives, were hailed as public bene- 
 factors ! 
 
 Quack Doctors will ever be most successful in a 
 wealthy commercial country like England ; especially 
 in the busy, populous, and luxurious capital, where the 
 multitude have neither leisure nor inclination to detect 
 imposture. Accustomed to obtain every luxury and 
 accommodation for monev, most people imagine that 
 gold can procure even health and longevity. Indeed 
 the principle of self-preservation is so strongly entwined 
 with the fibres of the human heart, that cunning and 
 unprincipled men, who assume the character of physi- 
 cians, easily impose on the public credulity. 
 
 Even regular physicians often profit by the fears of 
 mankied, and thus realize a fortune. Many persons, in 
 other respects very sensible, are so much under the in- 
 fluence of medical s2ipersfit'o?i, that, alarmed at the slight- 
 est qualm, they hastily send for the" physician, who, 
 of course, prescribes something to relieve that agony 
 which might have been prevented by temperance. — 
 Hence the constitution of the valetudinarian is gradually 
 
 worn 
 
( 3 ) 
 
 worn out ; a premature old age overwhelms him, and 
 he expires surrounded by boluses and physicians. 
 
 Opulent persons pay their physician annually for 
 keeping their constitution in repair ; and from the irre- 
 gularity of the debauchee, he seems determined that the 
 physician's engagement shall not be a sinecure. — On the 
 other hand, Quack Doctors seem to consider the human 
 frame merely as a subject for experiments, which, if suc- 
 cessful, will ensure the reputation of the practitioner. 
 The acquisition of fame and fortune is, in the estimation 
 of these philosophers, cheaply purchased by sacrificing 
 the lives of a few of the vulgar. To such they pre- 
 scribe gratis*; in other words, they require no fee for 
 making an experiment upon some credulous being, 
 which may cost him his life ! 
 
 Indeed the health of the people would soon be in a 
 hopeful state were they ail equally credulous. Between 
 the internal use of the Nervous Cordial, or the Balm of 
 Gilead, and the external application of Perkins's Metallic 
 Tractors, our inside and our outside would be completely 
 medicated. By the way, the phrase inside is very ex- 
 pressive, and used as a general term by the common 
 people when speaking of disease. Whatever be their 
 internal complaint, they simply say that their inside is 
 disordered ; and when they recover, their inside is quite 
 well again. This comes to just the same conclusion as 
 all the learned phrases adopted by the empiric. While 
 
 * Nothing can be more ridiculous than the slavish obedience of 
 *ome patients to the dictates of the doctor. A convalescent lately 
 wrote from Bath to his physician in London, to know whether he 
 *iight cat sauce with his pork. 
 
 A 2 Dr. Brodum, 
 
( * ) 
 
 Dr, Brodum, Dr. Solomon, or some other graduate of 
 the same fraternity, is, with a grave air, employed in 
 feeling the patient's pulse and investigating symptoms ; 
 while his active imagination is like the mole pervading 
 all the dark intricacies of the viscera, penetrating through 
 every obstruction, to the. abdomen, and eventually making 
 its escape from the anus in a puff of flatulency , the patient 
 contents himself with describing the sensations which 
 he feels in his inside. 
 
 Before we animadvert on the imposition of modern 
 Quacks, let us just glance at the history of medicine. 
 
 The Jews are the first people on record who prac- 
 tised the art of healing, which they probably learned 
 from the Egy plains. But the Greeks, who worshipped 
 iEsculapius as the god of medicine, first reduced that 
 art to a regular system. Hippocrates is justly consi- 
 dered as the father of physic, being the most ancient 
 author whose writings on that subject are preserved, 
 The most celebrated physicians who succeeded him 
 were Asclepiades, Celsus, and Galen. 
 
 After the subversion of the Roman Empire the arts 
 and sciences were totally eclipsed by the barbarous 
 manners of the Europeans, and medicinewas transplaced 
 to the peaceful regions of Arabia. Before the crusades, 
 several Hebrew, Arabian, and Latin professors of phy- 
 sic, settled at Salernum, where Charles the Great found- 
 ed a college for their reception in the year 802. 
 
 The commencement of the sixteenth century was 
 Tendered memorable by the introduction of chemistry 
 into medicine. Paracelsus endeavoured to explain the 
 art of healing on chemical principles at once fanciful and 
 
 illusory. 
 
( s ) 
 
 illusory*. — This was the origin of Quackery, which 
 has since been more destructive to mankind than the 
 sword ; nay, empiricism has, in numerous instances, 
 destroyed the health and morals of the credulous vo- 
 luptuary, who, in grasping present pleasures, is re- 
 gardless of the consequences. 
 
 Medical imposture was early practised in England by 
 Edward the Confessor. That Royal Quack pretended 
 to cure the scrofula, or King's Evil, by a touch! 
 The ringers of modern monarchs have no such mira- 
 culous property ; nay, It is well known that, instead of 
 healing the sick, many of them have been destroyers of 
 the health and happiness of the human species. Such 
 was Frederick the Second of Prussia, misnamed the 
 Great; a man whose aspiring ambition deluged the con- 
 tinent of Europe with blood, 
 
 The absurd practice of touching for the King's Evil 
 was continued so late as the reign of Queen Anne ; and 
 Dr. Johnson, while in his infancy, was one of the last 
 of those patients who underwent that farcical opera- 
 tion f • The 
 
 * Writers differ respecting Paracelsus. Turner asserts, that u though 
 he boasted he could make man immortal, he died at forty-seven years 
 of age j" and a modern author informs us, that " Paracelsus, although 
 he pretended to have in his possession the stone, of immortality, died 
 in his fiftieth year. His vegetable sulphur was a healing and sti- 
 mulating remedy, similar to the Anodyne liquor of Hoffman. " Ac- 
 cording to the account given by Libavius, this vaunting impostor died 
 at Salzburg, in Germany, in the year 1 541, in consequence of his in- 
 dulgence in dissipation. 
 
 ■f The following account, extracted from the Miscellanies of John 
 Aubrey, Esq. will evince the credulity of our ancestors respecting 
 the miraculous cure of diseases. 
 
 A3 " Our 
 
( « ) 
 
 The institution of the Royal College of Physicians in 
 London was a powerful restraint on Quackery in this 
 country. This college was founded by the public spirit 
 of Thomas Liancre, physician to Henry VIII. Liancre 
 " had beheld, with concern, the practice of this most 
 useful art chiefly engrossed by illiterate monks and em- 
 pirics. To strike at the root of this evil he therefore ob- 
 tained, by his interest with Cardinal Wolsey, letters 
 patent from Henry VIII. dated in the year 1.518, con- 
 stituting a corporate body of regular bred physicians in 
 
 London ; 
 
 ** Our English Chronicles do record, that in the reign of King 
 Henry the Third, a child was born in Kent, that, at two years old, 
 cured all diseases. Several persons have been cured of the King'f 
 Evil, by the touching or handling of a feventh fon. 
 
 '« It is eertain that the toach of a dead hand hath wrought wonder- 
 ful effects, e g —One, a painter of Stowel, in Somersetshire, near 
 Bridgewater, had a wen in the inside of his cheek, as big as a pul- 
 let's egg, which, by the advice of one, was cured by once or twice 
 touching, or rubbing with a dead woman's hand. 
 
 << In Somerset/hire, it is confidently reported, that some were cured 
 of the King's Evil by the touch of the Duke of Monmouth. The 
 Lord Chancellor, Bacon, faith, ' That imagination is next kin t$ 
 miracle working faith." 
 
 fi When King Charles the First was prisoner at Carisbrook Castle, 
 there was a woman touched by him, who had the King's Evil in 
 her eye, and had not seen in a fortnight before, her eye-lids being 
 glued together: as they were at prayers (after the touching) the 
 woman's eyes opened. Mr. Seymer Bowman, with many others, were 
 eye-witnesses of this. 
 
 " Arise Evans had a fungous nose, and faid it was revealed to him 
 that the King's hand would cure him : and at the first coming of King 
 Charles II. into St. James's Park, he kissed the King's hand and 
 subbed his nose with it 4 which disturbed the King, but curee him.*. 
 
( r ) 
 
 London ; in whom should reside the sole privilege of ad- 
 mitting persons to practise within that city, and a cir- 
 cuit of seven miles around it ; and also of licensing: 
 practitioners throughout the whole kingdom, excer^ 
 such as were graduates of Oxford or Cambridge, who, 
 by virtue of their degree, were independent of the 
 college, except within London and its precincts. The 
 college had likewise authority to examine prescriptions 
 and drugs in apothecaries sn^ps ; and their censure 
 were enforced with the power of inflicting fines and im- 
 prisonment." 
 
 Notwithstanding the vigilance of this respectable 
 body, empiricism from time to time committed depre- 
 dations on the health of the people of England. Francis 
 Anthony, an Englishman, after having studied medicine 
 at Hamburgh, returned to his native country, and in 
 the year 1598, published a treatise concerning a panacea 
 extracted from gold. Fie commenced practitioner in 
 London without a licence from the College of Physi- 
 cians, in consequence of ^jkich he was fined £20 , and 
 imprisoned. 
 
 In the year 1610, Anthony, after his liberation, pub- 
 lished a defence of his aurtun potaMle, or potable gold ; 
 in which, like other impostors, he affects the greatest 
 ^candour in disclosing the process of his medicine, while 
 he conceals the nature of its solution. After his death 
 his son obtained a comfortable livelihood by the sale of 
 his father's nostrum; so willing are the unthinking part 
 of mankind to continue the dupes of empiricism ! 
 
 The belief that gold was possessed of medical virtues 
 seems to hare been very general at this time through- 
 
( 8 ) 
 
 out Europe. An English writer of the seventeenth cen- 
 tury, asserts, " that gold is the most perfect of all 
 inanimate bodies, out of the power of any of the ele- 
 ments to corrupt or destroy, and the greatest cordial in 
 the world ; an excellent medicine against melancholy.'* 
 Few persons will attempt to deny the cheering influence 
 of gold ; but though a purse of that precious metal 
 might be efficacious in the cure of melancholy, the fact 
 is, that most hypochondriacal patients have more gold 
 than their exigencies require. 
 
 Indeed the commencement of the seventeenth cen- 
 tury may be justly considered as the asra of chemical 
 empiricism, when the genius of medicine pervaded and 
 analyzed the four elements in search of immortality, 
 the vital principle supplied by the air, induced fanciful 
 theorists to imagine that it contained a degree of medical 
 virtue yet undiscovered. We are informed i( that Dr. 
 Majo hath found that the air is impregnated with a 
 nitro-cerial spirit ', and that it is diffused almost throughout 
 the whole system of nature ; and that fire itself, as to its 
 form and essence, is nothing else but the same spirit 
 put into motion ; and that all fermentations, whether 
 tending to generation, perfection or corruption, depend 
 on this spirit*." — Now, pray what is the vivifying 
 property attributed to oxygen gas by Dr. Beddoes, Mr. 
 Davy, and other whimsical theorists, but a revival of this 
 opinion. So true is the observation of Solomon — " there 
 is nothing new under the sun." 
 
 On the Continent, the pursuit of an imaginary panacea 
 was prosecuted with a degree of enthusiasm borderin°- 
 
 * Turner's Curiosities of Art, page 8. 
 
( 9- ) 
 
 on phrenzy. An undefinable property of nature, 
 which pseudo-philosophers denominated original matter, 
 was sought for in various substances. Gold, from its 
 known purity and durability, was supposed to contain 
 the principles of immortality, and the common people 
 of Italy, France and Germany, denied themselves ne- 
 cessaries that they might purchase a little of the mira- 
 culous tincture of gold / 
 
 While the alchymist was busied in dissolving the 
 heaviest of metals, other sages were engaged in con- 
 densing that most light and volatile of the elements — air 9 
 into i he form of powders or drops for the re-invigora- 
 tion of the human frame, and the restoration of youth 
 and vigour to old age and imbecillity. Time convinced 
 these sages of the futility of such speculations ; yet, 
 during their chemical researches, they made some 
 discoveries which have contributed to the health of 
 man. 
 
 Another still more absurd body of impostors, the 
 .Judicial Astrologers, at this time misled mankind, and 
 pretended that they had discovered the influence of the 
 celestial bodies on the human frame. It appears, in- 
 deed, that a very superficial knowledge of surgery and 
 physic was sufficient to ensure the fame of the practi- 
 tioner. Turner, in his Wonders of Art, tells us, with 
 great gravity, " that a woman of Kenley, in Shrop- 
 shire, generally known by the name of nurse Corfield, 
 was so famed for her skill in surgery and physic, that it 
 gave occasion for a great confluence of persons and pa- 
 tients to the town where she lived. Many people, not 
 only of the meaner sortj but of the gentry likewise, 
 
 for 
 
( 10 ) 
 
 for thirty or forty miles distance, made their application 
 to her ; insomuch that the inns were filled with guests, 
 •nd the house turned into an hospital, and her fame ex- 
 ceeded that of any other physician." — The same author 
 endeavours to prove the communication between hu* 
 man beings and the inhabitants of the invisible world, by 
 u An account of one Anne Jefferies, of Cornwall, who 
 was fed for six months by a small sort of airy people called 
 fairies ; and of the strange and wonderful cures she 
 performed with salves and medicines she received from 
 them, for which she never took one penny of her pa- 
 tients." — It is remarkable that most of her cures were 
 performed by contact and stroking, similar to the appli- 
 cation of Perkins's Metallic Tractors ; but how much 
 more disinterested was this female worker of miracles, 
 who relieved pain gratis, than Perkins, who requires 
 five guineas for a pair of tractors of no greater efficacy 
 than the famous wooden skewers with which Dr. Hay- 
 garth has performed such miracles at Bath ! Were our 
 Quacks to imitate the disinterestedness of Anne Jeffe- 
 ries, they would be liable only to the censure of fana- 
 ticism ; but it is evident that they are willing to pub- 
 lish any fictious account of cures, and practise any 
 species of medical imposture, to defraud the crcduloui 
 of their money. 
 
 Even in the eighteenth century, notwithstanding the 
 boasted knowledge and refinement of Europeans, se- 
 veral Quacks publicly asserted their power to cure every 
 disease. Among the most remarkable of these, Mess- 
 mer deserves particular notice, both on account of his 
 ingenuity and temporary success* 
 
 In 
 
( M ) 
 
 In the year 1 ?S6 t this German impostor, at hi3 out- 
 let in Vienna, proposed to cure all diseases by animal 
 magnetism. Contrary to the selfish conduct of modern 
 Quacks, he converted his house into an hospital, and 
 imparted the magnetic medicine gratis. In consequence 
 of this seeming &enevoIe?ice i his ascendency over the ima- 
 gination of the patient infinitely surpassed that of a be- 
 lief in the healing property of Perkins's Tractors ; nay, 
 so -penetrating was the magnetic fluid which Messmer 
 pretended was centered in his own person, that we are 
 told the nervous and hypochondriacal imagined they 
 received blows similar to those given by a blunt piece 
 of iron, though the operator was separated from them 
 by two doors ! 
 
 In a short time, however, the Germans began to 
 question Messmer's miraculous powers, and to avoid 
 detection he left Vienna and went to Paris, where he 
 was received with marks of the greatest approbation by 
 the curious, the gay, and the dissipated inhabitants of 
 that luxurious capital. The disinterested Messmer now 
 instituted a private society, where a number of pupils, 
 who previously took an oath of secrecy and deposited a 
 sum of money, were instructed in the wonderful myste- 
 ries of animal magnetism. The immoral practices of 
 several of his pupils led to a discovery of this lawless 
 society of dupes and voluptuaries ; in consequence of 
 which the French government appointed a number of 
 learned men to examine the pretensions of Messmer, 
 and discover the reality or imposture of the virtues as- 
 cribed to the magnet. " These philosophers," says 
 a modern writer, ii among whom we find the names of 
 
 Franklin 
 
( 12 ) 
 
 Franklin and Lavoisier, recognized, indeed, very sur- 
 prising and unexpected phgenomen.i in the physical state 
 of magnetised individuals ; but they gave it as their 
 opinion, that the power of imagination, and not animal 
 magnetism, had produced these effects. They perceiv- 
 ed, after a number of experiments and facts frequently 
 repeated, that contact , imagination, imitation, and excited 
 sensibility, were the real and sole causes of these phaeno- 
 mena which had so much confounded the illiterate, the 
 credulous, and the enthusiastic ; that this boasted mag- 
 netic element had no real existence in nature ; and con- 
 sequently, that Messmer himself was either an arrant 
 impostor, or a deceived fanatic." 
 
 While these medical and philosophical transaction! 
 amused the Parisians, our English itinerant sages went 
 about doing good. The mountebank cloathed in green 
 and gold ; his sagacious head adorned with a tye-wig, 
 and his beneficent hands filled with boluses and bottles, 
 ascended the stage, while the Merry-Andrexv, who 
 "had collected the people by sound of trumpet, approach- 
 ed, and vaulted up beside his master, with whom he en- 
 tered into a humorous dialogue, and mimicked to the 
 great delight of the surrounding populace. When the 
 witticisms and feats of Mr. Merryman had softened the 
 spectators into universal good humour, the Doctor pro- 
 fited by their hilarity, and dispensed his nostrums to the 
 credulous, who eagerly gave their money for the inesti- 
 mable box of pills, healing balm, or bottle of cordial, which 
 were indued with virtues not only to cure existing 
 diseases, but even to operate as a kind of magical pre- 
 ventive of every ailment. 
 
 When 
 
( M ) 
 
 Y\ hen any of these itinerant empirics by dint of per- 
 severance and enterprise had realized a property, he 
 became a resident physician in London, assumed con- 
 sequence, and, like modern Quacks, lived sumntu- 
 ously on the liberality of his dupes. 
 
 Having given a short sketch of the history of 
 Quackery, we shall now proceed to analyze the writ- 
 ings of some famous modern empirics, who, not content 
 with eminence in their wonderful profession of work- 
 ing miracles, seem desirous of aspiring to literary fame. 
 
 The first of these distinguished personages is Dr. 
 Brodurn, whose medicines have so long been the 
 daily theme of paragraphists. This ingenious man is 
 a German Jew ; he attended Dr. Bossy in quality of 
 a footman, when that beneficent sage came over to 
 enlighten the eyes of the English, and with him made 
 the tour of England. Having obtained the knowledge 
 of several medical terms, by being present at the lec- 
 tures of his eloquent master, this enterprising little 
 lacquey resolved to commence Doctor himself. ; 
 
 are not certain whether the love of gain, or a desire 
 to alleviate the Sufferings of his fellow-creatures, first 
 induced Dr. Brodum to give up the science of shav- 
 ing, dressing a wig;, and brushing a coat, for the more 
 elegant art of preparing the Nervous Cordial and Bo- 
 tanical Syrtq) ; two medicines which, from the Doc- 
 tor's knowledge of the Linnsean system of botany, 
 we may consider as grand restoratives of nature. Per- 
 haps his medical skill was communicated in a vision 
 by some Demon of the German Illwmintiti, But it is 
 B not 
 
( 14 ) 
 
 5iot improbable that the secret of preparing the above* 
 mentioned medicines is hereditary in his family, as 
 the Doctor himself seems to insinuate, when he tells 
 ms, in his " Guide to Old Age" that " there is no 
 other person of the name of Brodum in England." 
 Many are the different mediums by which wisdom 
 can be imparted to others. Count Cagliostro may 
 "have bequeathed to the Doctor the secret of manufac- 
 turing his Baitme de vie ; or, perhaps, the famous 
 •Count de St. Germaine communicated his recipe for 
 the preparation of his Tea for prolonging Life. 
 
 The talisman, however, which metamorphosed a 
 lacquey into a physician was the diploma which the 
 benevolent and disinterested professors in the Marischal 
 College of Aberdeen sent to this enterprising fo- 
 reigner. But whether that learned body accepted a 
 pecuniary compensation of one pound six shillings 
 and three-pence sterling, as Dr. Pangloss says they 
 did from him ; or whether the little German was li- 
 beral enough to send them a larger sum, is only 
 known to the parties concerned. 
 
 Soon after the commencement of his medical ca- 
 reer the Doctor found a powerful auxiliary in the 
 person of the late Quack Doctor Fieeman's widow. 
 His union with this sapient female contributed muck 
 to his physical knowledge, and if she proves a fruitful 
 vine, their illustrious progeny, by a timely initiation 
 into the principles of medical imposture, may be able 
 to supply all the dupes and fools in Europe with reme- 
 ■dies for every disease* 
 
 Having 
 
f 15 ) 
 
 Having travelled through different parts of Eng- 
 land * like a public benefactor, generously dispensing 
 medicines for a small compensation, the Doctor at 
 length resolved to become a resident in this metro- 
 polis. 
 
 That merit, such as his, should go unrewarded 
 ■would have been an extraordinary instance of degene- 
 racy in the English nation. A man who raised him- 
 self from the humble situation of a menial servant to 
 the honourable avocation of working miracles ; and 
 who, without either genius or education,, has been 
 the author of a work which he says has already passed 
 through upwards of fifty editions, must be a most 
 wonderful being I 
 
 Every person who has the pleasure of an acquaint- 
 tnce with this curious little Doctor must acknowledge, 
 'that he is companionable and hospitable ; and so 
 skilful in vocal music as to excite the risibility, if not 
 the contempt of the hearer. Indeed, he is so far from 
 being phlegmatic, like the generality of his countrymen, 
 
 * One instance of the Sector's cunning deserves notice. It is said, 
 that, at his commencement, lie caused bills to be printed, and stuck up 
 in different towns where he exhibited, offering a reward to whoever 
 would find and restore a diamond ring, a watch, or fome other va- 
 luable article which he had lest. Hence John Bull was duped, 
 and considered Dr. B. as a man of very great'importance indeed ! We 
 are not informed how long he continued his itinerant practice, but 
 if he did not, like his former master, oben the eyes of the credu^ 
 lous, he certainly cured numbers of their implicit confidence in the 
 «&cacy of Quack medicines. 
 
 B 2 that. 
 
( 16 ) 
 
 that he is gifted with all the vivacity, effrontery, and 
 address characteristic of the accomplished lacquey. 
 
 A person with such multifarious endowments 
 must be fully adequate to the important task of. pro- 
 ducing a treatise fraught with instruction, and calcu- 
 lated to guide the aspiring youth of Old England to 
 the desirable attainment of a premature old age, a con- 
 summation which they appear to be ambitious of ar- 
 riving at with all possible celerity, if we may judge 
 from the dissoluteness of their lives. 
 
 Let us now proceed to analyze that sublime and 
 beautiful production of genius, entitled, " A Guide . 
 to Old -Age, or a Cure for the Indiscretions of Youth." 
 The dedication is a most elegant specimen of the 
 Doctor's literacy abilities. He modestly praises himself 
 as a public benefactor, who has contributed to the 
 health of the people, and on that presumption he in- 
 scribes his pamphlet to the King ! Although the 
 Doctor has thus ventured to claim the patronage of 
 our chief magistrate, as we may suppose, from a con- 
 sciousness of his own integrity, had he lived in the 
 reign of Alfred the Great, that prince would doubt- 
 less have exalted him to a very conspicuous situa- 
 tion. 
 
 As poetry and romance have so long tended to vi- 
 tiate the public taste, Dr.Brodum has endeavoured to 
 counteract such frivolity by profound observations on 
 different diseases. It is evident, indeed, that the ge- 
 nius of the sage produced this volume by many a 
 nocturnal incubation, while the goddess of dulness 
 
 herself 
 
{ n ) 
 
 herself leaned forward from her leaden throne, to claim 
 the new born progeny of the brain as her own. In- 
 stead of adhering to the precept of Horace, and drink- 
 ing wine, the Doctor most certainly quaffed porter 
 •during his studies ; in consequence of which he has 
 descended to the very depths of the bathos, farther 
 rthan any other medical writer, except his profound 
 contemporary Dr. Solomon *. 
 
 The compiler of Literary Menmirs of Living Authors, 
 -speaking of Dr. Brodum, calls him " one of those 
 empirics in physie, and newspaper puffers, whose 
 machinations are gulphs to the current of life. ' ' How 
 illiberal ! can a man who devotes his studies to the 
 benefit of the public and himself deserve so harsh a 
 censure ; nay, was it not invidious in the critic to omit 
 the name of Doctor Solomon, whose pamphlet was 
 equally entitled to his observation. Dr. Brodum in 
 this, and every other instance of invidious animadver- 
 sion on his public services, may console himself 
 
 * As curiosities of Literature, the pamphlets of Dis. B. and $.. 
 are equally entitled to the notice of thespeculatist, who delights. to 
 contemplate human nature in all its varieties. Both these medi- 
 ,cal treatises are written under the influence of such superlative 
 dulness and vanity, that it would be difficult to decide which is 
 best entitled to our contempt. Indeed they are completely scmnifc, 
 ■and persons who regret the ineffkacy of the Nervous Cordial, and 
 the Balm of Gilead, may find a temporary alleviation of pain in the 
 jperufal of the " Guide to Old Age," and the 5< Guide to Health," 
 the soporific pages of which will lull the reader to repose, and be 
 useful as an effectual opiate, superior even to opium in stupefying 
 the brain. 
 
 B 3 with 
 
( I* ) 
 
 •with the reflection that great men have ever been sub- 
 ject to the empoisoned shafts of calumny, and " that 
 censure is a tax which a man must pay to the public 
 for being eminent." 
 
 The efficacy of the Doctor's medicines is supported 
 by a cloud of witnesses, consisting of letters from cor- 
 respondents, most of whom probably occupy garrets 
 in this metropolis, though the letters are said to have 
 been sent from different parts of Great Britain. Very 
 much to the credit of Dr. B. he is said to patronize 
 genius, by liberally rewarding the authors of those ele- 
 gant advertisements with which he occasionally adorns 
 our newspapers. Surely a man of feeling must be in a 
 most deplorable state of penury before he can bring 
 himself to prostitute his talents in support of Quack- 
 ery ! He may, like the apothecary in the play, ex- 
 claim, 6i my poverty and not my will consents :'" 
 but let him consider that such an evasion will not 
 silence conscience at the hour of death. 
 
 As the principal part of Dr. B.'s pamphlet consists 
 of an account of cases, and cures said to have been 
 effected by the administration of the Doctor's nos- 
 trums, we shall pass them as totally uninteresting to 
 the lovers of truth. Indeed, the Guide to Old Age is 
 the most complete system oipstudology ever publish- 
 ed, except the very elegant and elaborate treatises 
 written by his brethren Dr. Solomon and Mr. D. B. 
 Perkins. 
 
 This sublime and beautiful production naturally sinks 
 t© the true -profundity okcurc as we approach the magi- 
 cal 
 
( t 9 5 
 
 cal finis, which most readers will wisb had appeared 
 sooner. Speaking of his Botanical Syrup, Dr. B. 
 asserts, that " he is not a nostrum-render','" and re- 
 quests the reader to ii ask for Dr. B.'s Syrup, be- 
 cause there are various sorts of syrup advertised in tin 
 bottles." 
 
 The Doctor, like a beneficent philosopher, says, 
 that " any lady or gentleman who is exceedingly ill, 
 had better make a personal application, that he may 
 have it in his power to give prescriptions or other ad- 
 vice. Any lady or gentleman, whose case will not 
 permit them to quit their own houses, may be xcaited 
 upon with the greatest attention by the Doctor at five 
 guineas a- week. " — This moderate fee bespeaks the 
 benignity and piety of the learned Doctor ; for it is 
 clear that being a Jew, and most of his wise patients 
 professing Christianity, he will attend on the Jewish 
 and Christain sabbath gratis. 
 
 As a still farther proof of the excellence of his me- 
 dicines, Dr. B. has published the affidavit of a John 
 M'Gowen, who must be a man of a very lively ima- 
 gination. He swears, that he " received astonishing 
 benefit by taking the Nervous Cordial, which was re- 
 commended to him by a medical man," very proba- 
 bly by Dr. B. himself! and he concludes this tre- 
 mendous oath, by swearing that he was " cured of a 
 hihous fever, yellow jaundice, and palpitation of the 
 heart." The latter part of this affidavit is remark- 
 able for the wily caution with which it is worded ; for 
 the deponent does not swear that it was Dr. Brodum's 
 
 Nervous 
 
( so ) 
 
 Nervous Cordial which cured him of a complication 
 of diseases, he leaves that to the judgment of the rea- 
 -der, whose credulity must be astonishing indeed, if 
 such an oath can prompt him to swallow a nostrum. 
 
 The Guide to Old Age is, like Solomon's Guide 
 to Health, embellished with a portrait of the author, 
 so that the happy convalescent may contemplate the 
 benign lineaments of his benefactor. Indeed, if view- 
 ed with the scrutinizing eye of a physiognomist, it 
 might be found that Dr. B's portrait presented traits 
 of servility and cunning unworthy of the countenance 
 of a philosopher.. 
 
 When we reflect, however, on the national benefit 
 of the universal health bestowed by those retailers of 
 sandy, or miracle-?nongcrs, we must rejoice in the idea 
 that agriculture, manufactures, and every art and 
 science may now be pursued without the interruption 
 of sickness. Public-spirited men, like our advertising 
 physicians^ have a claim on the national gratitude, 
 and are justly entitled to civic honours. If a Ro- 
 man who saved the life of a citizen was considered as 
 a benefactor to the state, how much more should 
 such men as Dr. Brodum and Dr. Solomon, who 
 have saved thousands, be rewarded and honoured-! 
 Would it not be worthy of British generosity to open 
 a subscription for the purpose of erecting statues of 
 these good men. The statues might be placed as or- 
 naments to the front of Newgate, one on the right 
 side, and the other on the left of that awful spot, 
 whence so many youthful heroes take flight to the 
 
 world 
 
{ n ) 
 
 world unknown. The victim of vice, whom the laws 
 of his country had doomed to an untimely grave, 
 might then point to the statues and moralize, with 
 his last breath, on the beneficial effect of nostrums, 
 while he acknowledged, that the promise of renovated 
 health had induced him to continue his career of depra- 
 vity, and to wander through the haunts of impurity 
 
 * and disease, till excess, like flame to the oil, exhausted 
 his constitution, and pernicious habits drove him to an 
 open violation of the laws of that society which had 
 ii cast him oiF like a detested sin /" 
 
 Among other proofs of his superior penetration 
 and sagacity, Dr. E. informs us, that " there is no 
 other person of the name of Brodum in England." 
 To this observation some cynical readers might be 
 induced to reply, that the people of England might 
 have been just as well without the Doctor himself. 
 Such cavillers, however, should consider what an ex- 
 traordinary person he must be, whose sensorium can, 
 with a single glance, survey a nation \ Perhaps this 
 wonderful strength of sight was communicated by 
 - his masters, Dr. Bossy, who travelled so long through 
 England enlightening the eyes of the people, but whose 
 
 • own optics are now, alas, closed for ever ! 
 
 The Panopticon, invented by Beetham, was' a mere 
 trifle compared with the extensive range of Dr. B/s 
 sight ; and he might be employed to good purpose as 
 a. kind of animated telegraph, if placed at the Admi- 
 ralty. " But who," cries a lover of medicine, with 
 indignation j 6i who would convert a philosopher into 
 
 a tele- 
 
( 22 ) 
 
 a. telegraph.;! No, no ; the Doctor is too valuable to 
 the community to be made a mere machine of, though 
 several wrongheaded people obstinately assert that we 
 would enjoy better health if there was no person of the 
 name of Brodum in England. ' ' 
 
 It appears that this aspiring little Jew " would A? 
 o soldier.'' 1 When the magnanimous Mr. Reever 
 sounded the tocsin of alarm, andtaylors, barbers, arti- 
 ficial florists, and man-milliners rushed to arms irt 
 defence of their property , the Doctor, not content with, 
 pursuing one species of destruction, became ambitious 
 of distinguishing himself as a manqueller in the tented 
 field ! Accordingly, in an evil hour, he became a mem- 
 ber of the St. James's corps of volunteers, to the great 
 consumption of his roast beef and wine ; for he, with 
 true Jewish hosptality, invited several of his brother sol- 
 diers to dinner from time to time, and by the eloquence 
 of good cheer, endeavoured to obtain their suffrages in 
 promoting him to the rank of an officer. Disgusted at 
 the idea of being commanded by an Israelite, the corps, 
 very much to their honour, repressed the ambition of 
 our hero, who soon afterwards laid down his arms, and 
 resumed his usual instruments of war, collected from 
 the vegetable kingdom. It certainly was rather im- 
 politic to reject poor Dr. B. ; for had the war with 
 France continued, a man of his wonderful versatility 
 of genius might have been of essential service in a 
 military as wel as a medical capacity. A few drops of 
 his Nervous Cordial would have operated as a most ex- 
 cellent tonic to raw soldiers on their first onset, and 
 
 from. 
 
{ 23 ) 
 
 from tlie Doctor's uncommon powers of vision, he 
 Would have made an excellent aide-de-camp, as he 
 was eminently" qualified to reconnoitre the position of 
 the enemy. 
 
 Very much to the honour of Dr. B. and his 
 -dulcinea, they both cordially agree in the beneficial 
 properties of the Nervous Cordial. Indeed, who- 
 ever doubts the efficacy of this medicine may obtain 
 ocular demonstration of its benign influence in the 
 transformation of a menial into a gentleman — an 
 itinerant empiric into a resident physician, regularly 
 graduated at the Marischal College of Aberdeen. 
 Nor does the excellent properties of this nostrum end 
 here, for its influence over the credulous is so great, 
 that, like FoTtunatus's purse, it supplies its ingenious 
 inventor with money, which enables him to live 
 very comfortably. Such are the excellent, moral, and 
 physical effects- of quackery . 
 
 Let us now turn our attention from the principal 
 advertising physiciaa of London to another sage, the 
 well known Dr. Solomon, of Liverpool ; who, like 
 his competitor for public patronage, is a Jew, an 
 •empiric, and ? t n author. 
 
 This graduate has, like Dr. B. been authorised by 
 the philanthropic professors of the Marischal College 
 of Aberdeen to practise as a physician. Dr. Solomon 
 was too prudent to tell the world how many English 
 guineas he gave for the Scotch Degree ; but whoever 
 reads the diploma, and observes the name of Beattie 
 subscribed, will be ready to exclaim,—-*' Have the 
 
 muse* 
 
( 24 ) 
 
 muses become venal ; does the ministrel himself stoop 
 to confer academic honours on the worthless?" — ■ 
 O disgraceful fact ! * 
 
 Dr. Solomon's pamphlet, entitled, A Guide to 
 Health, is manifestly written to promote the sale of 
 his nostrum ; for, like the miserable production of the 
 German Quack, there are no medical precepts in the 
 volume that can be of the smallest utility. Yet while 
 we regret the total want of medical knowledge, and 
 the vulgar obscenity of Dr. S. Ave cannot but admire 
 the diffidence with which he begins his introduction : 
 " This book," says he, " being calculated for pri- 
 vate individuals, there is no one in the English lan- 
 guage that will be of more use to them ! ' ' Modest 
 and unassuming sage ; the reader must doubtless be- 
 come strongly prepossessed in favour of a prod: 
 so candidly approved by its author ! 
 
 After the introduction the reader is presented with 
 an advertisement, which informs him, that " the 
 Guide to Health has been pirated, and many spuri- . 
 ens copies are in circulation." To counteract this 
 the Doctor has signed "his le on each book with 
 a ;>r;;." Ke farther says, that '■' the yublic may le 
 assured they are attempted to be- imposed ipon." This 
 well written advertisement contains r^uch useful in- < 
 formation respecting Dr. Solomon. Most per;-' 
 
 Ing in North Britain, let J 
 Universities of Edinburgh z 
 
 k -i 'learn* 
 > the honour of the- 
 no person can re- 
 
 ceive a degree at either of these colleges without.li previous 
 examination, 
 
 are 
 
( 25 ) 
 
 are endowed with common sense, will readily agree 
 with the Doctor, that all the copies which they have 
 ever seen of the Guide to Health, were not only spurious 
 guides, but pernicious both to health and morals. It 
 must be very pleasing to the lovers of literature to 
 find that a philosopher, like Dr. Solomon, can write 
 his name ; and what is more extraordinary still, it ap- 
 pears that this celebrated name is written " on a book'," 
 and to raise our astonishment to the highest degree 
 of sublimity, gentle reader, Dr. Solomon writes " xoitk 
 open." — Information still more valuable, especially 
 to the credulous, is communicated by the latter part of 
 this curious advertisement, where the Doctor tells us, 
 that " the public may be assured they are attempted 
 to be imposed upon : " a confession which proves 
 that Dr. Solomon is a conscientiousma.nl Probably 
 he apprehended approaching dissolution, when he ho- 
 nestly made this public avowal of imposition. Be 
 that as it may, every sensible man will cordially coin- 
 cide with Dr. Solomon, that the various attempts 
 made by Quac/c Doctors to defraud the public are but 
 too often successful. 
 
 Speaking of nervous diseases, the Doctor says,-*— 
 (l As nervous and hypochondriac complaints are 
 much more prevalent in Europe than is generally 
 imagined, I have been very attentive to their method of 
 cure, and hope the following will prove as good a 
 treatise on these diseases as any extant." Can we 
 sufficiently admire the elegance of the "style, and the 
 ■spirited egotism which animates this interesting extract. 
 C Ik 
 
{ 96 ) 
 
 In page $6 we are informed, " that the most learn- 
 ed physicians have been unable to discover in the 
 Cordial Balm of Gilead the least particle of mercury, 
 antimony, iron, or any other mineral except gold, 
 pure virgin gold, and the true Balm of Mecca/* 
 What an excellent Alchymist ! Without doubt Doc- 
 tor Solomon has converted all the gold sent to him by 
 the public into cordial balm for the relief of the diseas- 
 ed. The costly preparation of this nostrum at once 
 accounts for the scarcity of the gold in circulation, Dr. 
 Solomon has dissolved our guineas into balm ! Let us 
 no longer express our disapprobation of bank notes.; 
 for where is there a man so selfish that he would not 
 give his last seven shilling piece for so patriotic a pur- 
 pose as to preserve the health of the nation. 
 
 Doctor Solomon does not tell us by what means 
 the wonderful secret of mingling gold and the balm of 
 Mecca was first communicated to him. Perhaps the 
 inspiring dove of Mahomet flew from Mecca to the 
 Doctor with the healing balm on its wings, and ex- 
 cited him to impose upon the vile Christians of Eng- 
 land ; thus, by a combination of Jewish and Maho~ 
 tnetan wisdom, enabling the sage to work miracles. 
 
 Cavillers may say that the Doctor's pretensions to 
 a new discovery in medicine is only a revival of the 
 chimerical experiments of former deluded alchymists'; 
 fcut from his general professions of benevolence, it 
 must be evident, that he not wily means well, but is 
 convinced of the efficacy of his Anti-I/tpetigines. This 
 hardnasnz reminds us of the observations of a Spanish 
 
 satyris* 
 
( 27 f 
 
 satyrist" on Quack medicines: — '-' To heir Quack's 
 call over their simples," says he, " would make you- 
 swear they! were raising so many devils-; such as 5 
 Gpopanex, Buphtalmas, Alectorolophos, Ophiosero~ 
 den, and a great many more; And by all this for*»- 
 mklable bombast is- meant nothing in the world but a~ 
 few simple roots, such as carrots, turnips, radishes * 
 and the like. But they keep the old proverb in re- 
 membrance — he that knoxos thee will never buy thee K 
 and, therefore, every thing must be made a mystery, 
 to hold the public in ignorance. ' ' 
 
 The Doctor gives a long extract from the Medical 
 and Physical Journal, which describes the properties 
 of the balm of Mecca, a drug which the superstitious 
 folly of the Eastern Nations has exalted milch above 
 its value. The description, however, of this medi- 
 cine will probably throw some light on the Doc- 
 tor's balm ; " the odour of this balm resembles a 
 compound of rosemary and sage, partaking also, in 
 a slight degree, of the nature of turpentine ; besides 
 which, it partially emits the flavour of lemons arid 
 flaace ? Is it not extremely probable that- Dr. Solo- 
 mon's wonderful Anti-Impetig"ines, or Cordial Balm 
 of Gilead, is composed of an intermixture of rosemary , 
 sage, turpentine, lemons, and mace ? Happy will it be 
 for the ere 'ulous, if this nostrum is prepared from no 
 "Worse materials, though even these may in some 
 diseases prove fatal to the deluded patient ! 
 
 After wading through amass of dulness, o^s^enity 
 and nonsense, unparalleled even by Dr. Brodum him- 
 self, the reader is amuse with an account of won* 
 C 2 dem*. 
 
t es ) 
 
 derful cures, and letters, which, from the duU sameness 
 of the style, appear to have been written either by the 
 Doctor himself or some wretched scribbler equally 
 destitute of genius and principle. Without insulting 
 the reader with an extract from this Jakes of Quack- 
 ery, we shall hasten to criticise his sapient " Obser- 
 vations on the Use and Abuse of Cold-bathing.' ' 
 
 *6 Very fat or corpulent persons," says he, 
 ** should avoid the cold-bath, for their fibres are so 
 stuffed round, and as it were bolstered up, that they have 
 no room to vibrate or contract, with the sudden squeeze 
 of the bath ; instead, therefore, of enforcing their springs 
 and shaking off any unnecessary incumbrances, they 
 •will only be strained to no purpose, and consequently 
 weakened ; for wheresoever an effort is made to re- 
 move any thing by an elastic body, if the first exer- 
 tion fails, every impetus afterwards languishes, and 
 the spring is spoiled." This specimen of Dr. Solo- 
 mon's excellence in the bathos ought to be preserved 
 as a literary curiosity unequalled even by the palpable 
 ebscure of Dr. Brodum himself. The significance of 
 those elegant and apposite phrases, " sudden squeeze " 
 enforcing springs, and the languishing impetus, in conse- 
 quence of which the spring is spoiled, are so unique and 
 expressive, that it would be difficult to find a passage 
 so elegantly descriptive in the works of our best Eng- 
 lish writers. 
 
 It has been mentioned in the former part of this 
 •work, that the Doctor has adorned his elegant treatise 
 with his portrait. Besides this embellishment he has 
 
 favoured 
 
( 29 J 
 
 favoured the public with an engraving of his mansidte. 
 in Liverpool. Hence the happy few who have been 
 so fortunate as to outlive the effects of his Cordial 
 Balm may view the residence of their benefactor. A 
 scale is annexed, by which it appears , that the body 
 of this consecrated tenement is seventy feet long ; and 
 undoubtedly, were the philanthropic proprietor exalt- 
 ed according to his merit, he would be placed by pub- 
 lic justice in a situation as eminent and conspicuous 
 as that 'which conferred immortality on Ha mm an ! 
 
 We are informed by puffing paragraphs in the 
 newspapers, that tc Dr. Solomon has published a 
 new and enlarged edition of his Gn ; de to Health , con- 
 sisting of ten thousand copies 1 ' * Does the miserable 
 scribbler imagine that any one will believe this ; and 
 must not the fabricators of such pernicious falsehoods 
 feel a degree of remorse for having recommended such 
 ridiculous nostrums as the Anti-Impetigenes to the 
 credulous part of the community ! Such is the 
 dreadful effects of the press being entrusted to the 
 venal and the profligate, who will not hesitate to pub- 
 lish any puff for money ! * 
 
 * The authenticity of the following curious anecdote will scarcely 
 he doubted by any person except a dupe to quackery. In conse- 
 quence of an accident which happened through his own inadvert- 
 ence, it is said, that Dr. S. was obliged to send for a physician* 
 who, on feeling his pulse, declared that he was surprised to fini 
 him so much alarmed when there were fuch trifling symptoms of 
 indisposition, " Not so very trifling as you imagine," replied the 
 Quack, " for to tell you the truth, I have swelfowd stmt ofrnj 
 tan nostrum in a mistake**' 
 
 ca it 
 
( 30 ) 
 
 It is really lamentable that his Majesty's Attorney 
 General is not informed of such publications as Dr» 
 Brodum's Guide to Old Age, and Dr. Solomon's 
 Guide to Health, Perhaps the moment is approach- 
 ing when he may take cognizance of these moral 
 essays, and there can be little doubt that the sage and 
 beneficent authors will be amply rewarded. Who- 
 ever publishes an obscene pamphlet is liable to fine, 
 imprisonment, and the pillory. How much greater 
 then should the reward be of such as endeavoured ta 
 poison the health and morals of a people, by the pro- 
 pagation of falsehood and imposture? In this light 
 the Attorney-General may think proper to recom- 
 mend a trip to Botany Bay to these beneficent Doc- 
 tors. There they might administer their nostrums 
 to the colonists, and fraternize with their respectable 
 friend and fellow-labourer for the public good, Mr. 
 George Barrington ! 
 
 On the other hand it may be asserted, that Doc- 
 tors of such transcendent skill could not be spared out 
 of England. But as cavillers have often complained 
 that our advertising physicians accept a pecuniary com- 
 pensation for their public services, this might be ob- 
 viated by placing them in some receptacle appropriat- 
 ed to the improvement of public morals— in Bridewell 
 for instance. There they would have the pleasure of 
 meeting several of their former patients, not only re- 
 stored to health, but employed in preparing hemp for 
 the benefit of the community, 
 
 H 
 
( si J 
 
 In this school of morality and physic, Dr. B. Dr. 
 S. Mr. P. Dr. S. and several other benign sages, 
 might prepare and dispense their medicines gratis 9 
 and this mode of exercising their skill would effec- 
 tually silence their calumniators. Among many im- 
 provements of this enlightened age, we might then 
 boast of having converted an English House of Correc- 
 tion into what it was originally designed to be,— 
 A Temple of Health and Morality ; and advertising phy- 
 sicians would soon cease to impose upon the credu- 
 lous part of the community. 
 
 With regard to the respective merit of the German 
 and English Quacks, it would be difficult to determine 
 which is best entitled to our approbation. Dr. S. 
 being a Jew of our own growth, probably consi- 
 ders Dr. B. as an interloper. We do not hear that 
 either of these practitioners are popular among their 
 brethren. The children of Abraham are too cunning 
 to give their monish for either the Nervous Cordial,^ 
 even the Balm of Gilead ^itself ! Indeed the incredu- 
 lity of the Israelites is proverbial. Dr. Solomon, like 
 the King of the Jews, is doubtless skilled in the vir- 
 tues of every simple, " from the cedar that grows in 
 Lebanon to the hyssop that grows on the wall;" 
 and he even seems to excel the Royal empiric by ex- 
 periments upon those asenine bipeds who swallow his 
 cordial. Fair dame%, who are desirous to imbibe in- 
 struction at the fountain head, have now a fine op- 
 portunity to gratify their curiosity : and we may ex- 
 pect to hear of some fashionable demireps visiting 
 
 the 
 
( 32 ) 
 
 the vise man of Liverpool, as the Queen of SheDa did 
 his namesake at Jerusalem. 
 
 Dr. Senate, like a benevolent philosopher, has en- 
 deavoured to remedy the waste occasioned by the 
 sword, by Lozenges of Steel, which will render even 
 sterility itself prolific. It is remarkable that the Doc- 
 tor should think it necessary, in a public advertise- 
 ment, to " declare solemnly that no person living* 
 except himself and another person, ever saw or has 
 any knowledge of the preparation from which Les 
 Pastilles Martialles De Monpelier, or Aromatic Lo- 
 zenges of Steel, are prepared." — This metal has ever 
 been ether an excellent friend or formidable enemy to 
 the human race, according to the use to which it 
 Was applied. The poet says, 
 " What time would spare from steel receives its date, 
 And monuments, like man, submit to fate } 
 Steel could the labours of the gods destroy, 
 And strike to dust th' imperial tow'rs of Troy ; 
 Steel could the works of mortal pride confound, 
 And hew triumphal arches to the ground ; 
 What wonder then, fair dame, thy health should feel 
 The conq ring force of unresisted steel 1 
 
 Indeed there is the greatest probability that such h+ 
 dies as are rash enough to swallow the metalline tonic 
 of Dr. S. will have but two much reason to agree 
 with the poet. 
 
 Few persons will have the hardihood to deny the 
 power of steel. As apolitical medicine, it has been pretty 
 liberally dispensed on the continent, to the destruction 
 
 of 
 
( 33 ) 
 
 *f myriads of the human species; but how lozenges of 
 the same metal can be conducive to population, is ex- 
 tremely paradoxical indeed. It appears that the Doc- 
 tor, from motives of delicacy, will not give his print- 
 ed directions to any one of the male sex. If this little 
 book, however, should pass through half the num- 
 ber of editions which Quack Doctors aver theirs 
 have, we will probably be able to obtain and analyze 
 his excellent precepts. 
 
 Peace is rather inauspicious to the Doctor's cele- 
 brity, for his lozenges will undoubtedly fall into disre- 
 pute, in consequence of the return of our soldiers and 
 sailors. The most sceptical mortal will hardly doubt 
 that the exertions of those heroes will increase the po- 
 pulation, of the United Kingdom more in one z/ear 9 
 than the universal administration of the Lozenges of 
 Steel would be able to effect in a century ! 
 
 Next to the physicians who have recommended in- 
 ternal medicines to the public, may be mentioned 
 those eminent surgeons who have distinguished them- 
 selves by professing to cure extf"'^- ailments. 
 
 TW . i ' ' 1 .e is Mr. B. D. Per- 
 
 ils 5 whose fa jrs have dispensed health 
 
 in both hemispx ^o just is the eulogium of the 
 
 poet — 
 
 " Ann d with twin skewers, see Perkins by main force, 
 Drag the foul fiend from Christian and from horse 1" 
 In the preface of a pamphlet, entitled, «' The In- 
 fluence of the Metallic Tractors on the Human 
 Body," we are informed, that i( the writer has 
 
 crossed 
 
( 3* ) 
 
 trossed the Atlantic and become a resident of Lon*- 
 don *, that he may devote his time and attention to 
 the diffusion of this important discovery, and its ap- 
 plication to the relief of the miseries of mankind. *' 
 
 Excellent and philanthropic young man ; disinte- 
 rested son of a generous father ; thou hast ventured 
 thy life over the innumerable waves of the vast west- 
 ern ocean, and hastened, on the wings of Zepherus, 
 •with healing in thy Trac'ors, to- remove disease from 
 Britain. What rev%ird can be adequate to thy ser- 
 vices ! If the small remuneration of five guineas a 
 trace be an insufficient compensation, thou may est, 
 O friend Perkins, receive the more glorious recom- 
 pence of academic honours, which the professors of 
 the liberal sciences in Aberdeen are so willing to be* 
 Stow, gratuitously, on merit. But perhaps, friend, 
 the price of a few sets of thy Tractors might accele- 
 rate this desirable event ; and it is not improbable that, 
 instead of a personal examination, the sage professors 
 would be content with examining the bank-notes in- 
 closed in thy letter. 
 
 Although Mr. P. „ik, he ob- 
 
 serves, that it is not his in .thhold the ad- . 
 
 vantages of the discovery from the puolic, who may 
 be supplied with his curious instruments for the mo- 
 derate price of jive guineas a sett, which Mr, F. con- 
 siders as a trifle ! 
 
 After giving what he calls an historical sketch of 
 
 * Dr. Johnson calls London " the n?edy villain's general home.''* 
 
 the 
 
f 35 ) 
 
 tlie discovery, Mr. P. authenticates the efficacy of his, 
 ponderous Tractors by a number of experiments. 
 
 A letter, written by J. Tilton, an American, 
 M. D. contains the following passage :*— «« Even 
 Messmer, in his application of the metals, was pa- 
 tronized by the ablest physicians in Germany, until 
 he covered and obscured those simple facts, which 
 should have been improved for the benefit of society, 
 with empirical frauds, that had no object beyond the accu* 
 mulation of money." Had this learned Doctor ad- 
 dressed the inventor of the Metallic Tractors with — . 
 (( Go and do thou likewise > ' he might have proved that 
 he had been advised to practise imposture ; but now 
 what can he say for himself? May he not with pro- 
 priety exclaim—-" Not content with imposing on my 
 own countrymen, I have sent my own son to 
 profit by the credulity of Britons . ' ' 
 
 In this pamphlet Mr. P. asserted, that the Tractors 
 would cure a burn or scald in a few minutes, and the 
 Monthly Reviewers have recommended an experi- 
 ment to him, which would certainly put both him- 
 self and the Tractors to a complete ordeal. 
 
 i( As the Tractors are generously presented to the 
 public at only five guineas a pair, it is clear that one 
 pair would suffice to cure all the burns and scalds of 
 "a large parish. If Mr. P. or any admirer of the dis- 
 covery, would submit to have a red hot po/cer run into 
 ^some part of his body not necessary to life, in any 
 public coffee-house within the bills of mortality, and 
 -would afterwards heal the wound in presence of the 
 
 company 
 
f S6 ) 
 
 company in ten minutes, or in half as many hoiitfs. 
 by means of the Tractors, the most iron-hearted 
 infidel could not resist such a demonstration. 
 
 rt We are rejoiced, on Mr. Perkins's account t# 
 find that the Connecticut Society had only denounced 
 him as a Messmer'ist ; we trembled lest he should have 
 been put into the inquisitorial hands of the old wo-j 
 men, as a white witch. 
 
 wi To trace the relations and dependencies of pro- 
 jects similar to that of Dr. Perkins, would now be a 
 work of more labour than utility. The fund of pub- 
 lic credulity is an inexhaustible resource for those who 
 can resolve to levy contributions on it : In vain is the 
 spirit of quackery exorcised in one form ; it rises 
 again immediately, ' with twenty ghastly murders 
 on its head, to push us from our stools.' We who 
 have contemplated the progress of real knowledge, 
 during a long course of years, have seen many- 
 bubbles like this glitter for a moment, and then disap- 
 pear for ever. People may talk of Mesmerism and 
 Perkinism ; but we consider all such varieties as be- 
 longing to the old and extensive class, C/iarlats- 
 nis?n . " * 
 
 A philosopher, like a prophet, is not esteemed in 
 his own country. This is evident from the opposi- 
 tion which Dr. Perkins has experienced in the metal- 
 lic practice. The magicians of former ages used only 
 a single nord in their conflict with demons ; but for 
 
 * Monthly Review for .Apiil 1799, P- 4^4« 
 
 the 
 
( 37 ) 
 
 the greater certainty Mr. P. has provided himself and 
 his disciples with 2.pair of pointed weapons, being thus 
 prepared to parry as well as strike in their encounter 
 with the demon of disease. 
 
 Very much to the honour of the clerical body there 
 •re not wanting a number of reverend abettors of 'Mr. 
 P.'s philosophy. Indeed, had the patentee lived in a 
 superstitious age, he would probably either have been 
 burned as a magician, or worshipped as a legitimate de- 
 scendant of Esculapius himself ! Even in this age of 
 reason, when water-closets are constructed on ma- 
 thematical principles, we find that excellent man, the 
 Rev. D. T. trotting or scampering about from house 
 to house, and working miracles on the burnt hands 
 of our silly women with the Tractors. — O horrible, O 
 horrible, most horrible ! that a man, whose avocation 
 should be the dispensing of the bread of life to a Chris- 
 tian household, should spend his time in applying two 
 skewers to the ivjlamed and inflaming eyes, bosoms, 
 and hands of the fair sex ! Certainly this poor man, 
 like the sapient Lord R***** is under the influence 
 of Mr. Perkins's American familiar demon, which 
 probably was first conjured up from the abyss of the 
 Atlantic ocean by the incantations of Dr. Franklin. 
 
 Nor is poor Dr. T. the only reverend man who 
 suffers by the morbific influence of this delusion, the 
 
 Rev. Mr. N , and several others who profess the 
 
 knowledge of the truth have become so much infa* 
 tuated as to " speak smooth things, and prophesy 
 deceits/' respecting the virtue of American iron. If 
 
 I D there 
 
( 33 ) 
 
 there not some reason to suspect that this shocking 
 deception is occasioned by a mental disease, and that 
 the love of Mammon has instigated these fanatics to pe- 
 rambulate like sorcerers, armed with a pair of iron 
 skewers, and exorcising the demons of gout, rheu- 
 matism, nay, even the god of fire, in the name of Dr. 
 Perkins ! 
 
 Mr. P. confines the magical influence of his Trac- 
 tors to the cure of topical diseases ; but has he tried 
 their efficacy in cases of internal complaint ? Per- 
 haps these admirable bits of metal might, by timely 
 application reduce the tympany, a disease to which our 
 female 'philosophers are particularly subject. During 
 his operation on the fair patient, Mr. P. might be 
 able to discover by his olfactory nerves, whether the 
 disease was occasioned by flatulency, or proceeded 
 from some indigestible substance. 
 
 This humane and disinterested young man has pub- 
 lished a second pamphlet, in which " the falla- 
 cious attempt of Dr. Haygarth to detract from the 
 merits of the Tractors, are detected and fully confu- 
 ted." This elegant and elaborate treatise, however, 
 is severely criticised by the Monthly Reviewers, who, 
 contrary to the laws of hospitality, and not having the 
 fear of the Metallic Tractors before their eyes, appear de- 
 termined to expose Mr. Perkins's deceptions. How 
 impolite! would it not have been nv :e liberal in 
 these critics to hive exclaimed with my uncle Toby, 
 44 Go, poor devil, there is room enough in the world 
 for us and thee. Practise your impositions as long as 
 
 you 
 
( 39 ) 
 
 you find people credulous enough to be duped by 
 your assertions and the letters of hypocrites." 
 
 Mr. P. imports his Tractors from America in par- 
 cels of two hundred sets, valued by kirn at one thou- 
 sand guineas ! Suppose this miraculous physician 
 should dispose of only the abovementioned number 
 every week ; on an average we would exchange fifty- 
 two thousand guineas annually for base metal. O 
 Englishmen ! how long will you suffer yourselves to 
 be imposed on by the artifice of empirics ! How long 
 will you, confessedly the most wealthly and sensible 
 nation on earth, permit Quack Doctors to prey upon 
 the fruits of your industry ! 
 
 It is true man y credulous and foolish people in this 
 country, especially in the metropolis, are very opu~ 
 lent, and often imagine themsthes indisposed when 
 only labouring under the tcrpor of indolence. Such 
 beings will purchase any nostrum, however ridicu- 
 lous, and their imagination being roused and amused 
 by making experiments, the animal spirits acquire a 
 greater degree of activity, and the doltish individual 
 fancies himself restored to a lively state of health by 
 such a miraculous operation as rubbing the points of 
 two ronskewers along his cpidtmas ! 
 
 Some metals, if they cannot relieve pain, certainly 
 communicate pleasure by contact. This is experi- 
 -enced in the agreeable sensations felt by the nerves 
 when one receives a purse of gold. Doubtless the 
 pure palm of Mr. Perkins has often itched for money, 
 ^or he would never have ventured so far to impose upon 
 P % credulous 
 
( 40 ) 
 
 credulous Englishmen, and barter his iron for our 
 guineas. Indeed, if Doctor Solomon continues to 
 dissolve our gold into Cordial Balm, and Mr. Perkins 
 sends such vast quantities of it to America, that article 
 will soon become so scarce, that we shall not have 
 one guinea to rub upon another ! 
 
 Although the Monthly Reviewers had given their 
 decision against Perkins's Tractors, he very saga- 
 ciously contrived to have a number of his bills sewed 
 in with the cover of that publication, concluding that 
 the public would think he had the sanction of the 
 editor. The fact is, the editor knew nothing of the 
 transaction, and the spirited and unbiassed critics who 
 support that elegant Review, have since published their 
 approbation of Dr. Haygarth's essay, and their de- 
 cisive censure of Mr. Perkins's feeble attempt to re- 
 fute the Doctor's reasoning *. 
 
 And now, courteous reader, as we have investigated 
 the claims, and exposed the fallacy, oi Xkat four princi- 
 pal empirics toko infest England, little remains to be said 
 on this subject. It is true there are several other 
 miracle-mongers of inferior note ; such as the vender of 
 Leake's patent pills ; the fabricator of the magical 
 anodyne necklace, to produce milk in .the nurse's 
 breast ; Dr. Barton's vital tvine, and that still more 
 volatile cordial oxygen gas. But these, as well as Dr. 
 
 * See Monthly Review for August 1801, in which the absur- 
 dity of resorting to such wretched palliatives as two bits of metal, 
 is exposed with that peculiar pleasantry, and happy vein of humour 
 far which the Reviewers are so remarkable. 
 
 Squirrel's 
 
{ 41 ) 
 
 Squirrel's tonic drops and powders, are too insignifi- 
 cant to require animadversion. Let us now compare 
 the impostors of the present day with those who 
 flourished, like rank and obscene weeds, in this capital 
 a few years ago. The comparison will demonstrate 
 the superior genius of former empirics over our con- 
 temporaries. 
 
 The first of those departed philosophers who once 
 came to London with promises of perpetual health 
 and pleasure, was the famous Doctor Graham, a 
 Quack, whose vivacity and enterprising genius 
 -excelled Dr. Brodum and Dr. Solomon*. 
 
 D 3 Graham 
 
 * Whoever will compare the following advertisement of Dr. G. 
 .with the dull egotism that prevails in the puffs of our modern 
 Quacks, will be convinced of the superiority of the former, which, 
 .however extravagant, is entertaining. 
 
 Temple of Health, Adelphi. 
 
 To their Excellencies the Foreign Ambassadors, to the Nobility, 
 
 Gentry, and to Persons of Learning and Taste, 
 
 This and To morrow Evening, exactly at Eight o'Clock. 
 
 The Celestial Brilliancy of the Medico-electrical apparatus of the 
 
 Temple will be exhibited by Dr. Graham himself, whowill have 
 
 the honour of explaining the true nature and effects of electricity, 
 
 air, music, and magnetism, which applied to the human body. 
 
 In the introductory oration, the whole art of enjoying health 
 and vigour of body and mind, and of preserving and exalting per- 
 sonal beauty ana loveliness ; or, in other words, of living with 
 health and happiness in this world, for at least an hundred years, is 
 pointed out and warmly inculcated, 
 
 Previous 
 
( 42 ) 
 
 Graham spoke with decision, and promised his 
 dupes that they should " live with health, honour 
 and happiness in this world at least one hundred 
 years." Yet, poor man, he died of a premature old 
 age in Edinburgh, and his dissolution was accele- 
 rated by intemperance. Our modern quacks are 
 too cunning to mention any particular period of lon- 
 gevity, lest their pretensions should be compared with 
 those of former deceivers. Even as literary candi- 
 dates the performance of Dr. S. and Dr. B. will 
 shrink into insignificance -when contrasted with 
 the energy which animates Dr. Graham's advertise- 
 ments ; and he informs us, that his pamphlet " run 
 through three large editions in one week ; " a sale un- 
 equalled by the pretended extensive circulation men- 
 tioned by Dr. Solomon in his newspaper puffs. 
 
 A Mr. Lattese evinced wonderful superiority of 
 skill to that of Dr. Senate. The -latter, indeed, by 
 
 Previous to the display of the electrical fire, the Doctor will de- 
 licately touch upon the Celestial Beds, which are soon to be open- 
 ed in the Temple of Hymen, in Pall-Mali, for the propagating of 
 Beings rational, and far stronger and more beautiful in mental as 
 well as in bodily endowments, than the present puny, feeble, and 
 nonsensical race of probationary immortals, which crawl, and fret, 
 and politely play at cutting one .another's throats for nothing at 
 all, on this terraqueous globe. 
 
 This apparatus, which visibly displays, as it were, the various 
 faculties of the material soul of universal and eternal nature, is 
 acknowledged by all, who have seen it, to be by far the largest, 
 most useful, and most magnificent that now is, or that ever was in 
 t&« worlds 
 
 the 
 
t 43 ) 
 
 the aid of his martial lozenges, proposes to confer fe- 
 cundity ; but Mr. Lattese in his researches discovered 
 a secret by which parents, who were desirous of an 
 heir male ii should positively have a boy /" — Could Dr. 
 Senate perform such a miracle, there is little doubt 
 that, like the Spartans of ancient Greece, we should 
 soon be the most warlike people in modern Europe. 
 Heroes, whose origin was derived from steel, wo v. Id 
 certainly be invincible, and adorn their native land with 
 military glory. But should the Doctor's lozenges 
 inspire children of both sexes with martial ardour, we 
 might dread the revival of amazonian valour, and all 
 the concomitant horrors of intestine commotion. 
 
 Another empiric who flourished in this capital a 
 few years since, was much superior to Mr. Perkins 
 in the cure of topical diseases. This philosopher, the 
 sapient Mr. Buzaglo, for " a trifling expence" cured 
 the gout, rheumatism, &c. " though of ever so long 
 standing, in the space of an hour, and restored with* 
 in a few days, wasted calves to their former state of 
 fulness of flesh." He also informed the public that 
 * 4 patients might agree for a perfect cure, or by the 
 month, by the year, or for life." How accommodating 
 was this beneficent physician 1 Were Mr. Perkins to 
 make similar proposals, what opulent patient would 
 scruple to give him five guineas for a pair of skewers ! 
 It is much to be regretted that Buzaglo was not 
 more liberally rewarded, as, in consequence of 
 neglect, his inestimable secret is lost to the com- 
 jnunity. Might not a similar misfortune happen to 
 
 poor 
 
 < 
 
 v 
 
{ 44 ) 
 
 poor Mr. P. if the public should withdraw its pa- 
 tronage ? 
 
 We shall conclude this article with an account of a 
 few experiments made with the most popular quack 
 medicines ; observations on the general, moral, and 
 physical effects of a belief in the efficacy of nostrums; 
 and a few hints submitted to the consideration of Va- 
 letudinarians. 
 
 The following account of the effects of Quack me- 
 dicines administered by a respectable farmer, will il- 
 lustrate their general utility. 
 
 Mr. Thomas Wilkinson, a rich farmer of Avon- 
 *dale, near Stratford upon Avon, in Warwickshire, is 
 .one of those queer fellows who examine every novel 
 improvement before they give it their sanction. With 
 -the greatest good nature imaginable, this singular 
 true bom Englishman is rather incredulous respecting 
 the efficacy of nostrums ; the excellent moral effects 
 of the new philosophy; the equality of the sexes-; 
 and similar paradoxes which engage the attention of 
 the learned and ingenious in this enlightened age. 
 
 Possessing a sound constitution, in consequence of a 
 life of temperance, Mr. W. is particularly incredulous 
 with regard to human skill in the prevention and cure 
 of disease. Indeed his aversion to the tribe of Escu- 
 Japius in general is so great, that he often repeats the 
 sentiment ofDryden, " God never made his work 
 • for man to mend" which he considers as an axiom. 
 When slightly indisposed a friend advised him to take 
 medicine, but the farmer with a sarcastic smile re- 
 plied, 
 
( ^5 ) 
 
 plied, " throw physic to the dogs I'll none of it/' 
 He has more respect for chirurgical skill ; for, as he 
 justly observes, " a man who can bind up a fracture 
 or dress a wound, is of real utility, while a physician 
 who prescribes from his observation, may sometimes 
 aid, but will be more liable to obstruct the operations 
 of nature. 
 
 This rural philosopher finding that several of his 
 iseighbours were under the influence of credulity, and 
 that some of them had even gone so far as to purchase 
 patent medicines, he resolved to undeceive them if pos- 
 sible. For this purpose he collected a quantity of the 
 most celebrated nostrums, and convened the villagers 
 on a bowling-green in front of his mansion, where, 
 after giving them an excellent dinner in the style of 
 true English hospitality, he produced his medicines, 
 and ordered his servants to bring forward the patients 
 on whom the experiments were to be tried. 
 
 An unfortunate ass was first produced to the no 
 small amusement of the villagers, but farmer Wilkin- 
 son requested them to be attentive, " You do not 
 know, said he, how much your own health depends 
 on the success of my experiments this day." Saying 
 this, he approached with great gravity, and administer- 
 ed a whole bottle of Dr. Brodum's Nervous Cordial to 
 the poor quadruped, which, on swallowing the dose, 
 brayed most horribly. The victim of quackery then 
 •fell down in a ft, from which he was roused by- 
 throwing a pailful of water in his face ; but had it 
 not been for an emollient drench administered by a 
 
 skilful 
 
( 45 ) 
 
 skilful farrier, the animal would certainly have expired 
 under the operation of the nostrum. 
 
 The villagers were amazed, and looked with horror 
 on the ass- as he was led away to his stall. An old 
 woman, however, who was as remarkable for her elo* 
 quence as her obstinacy, very judiciously observed, 
 that " the former had not given the medicine a fair 
 trial, for that only a Itw tea-spoonfuls should have 
 been administered at once." The young people , 
 laughed at the idea of an ass being drenched with a . 
 tea-spoon ; but Mr. Wilkinson declared, that he 
 thought Dame Crabtree might be in the right ; " you 
 shall have a whole bottle of the Nervous Cordial, 
 said he, if you will consent to take a dose of it every 
 evening, and 1 have no doubt that in a short time you. 
 Will be cured of your propensity to scandal and scold- 
 ing," — " No, thank ye," replied she, '.' you are very 
 kind indeed ; so you want to poison me as well as the 
 poor ass, do you ?" 
 
 A bottle of Doctor Solomon's Anti-Impet'gines 
 was then uncorked, and a hog brought forward as the 
 patient on whom its benign effects were to be tried. 
 The animal yelled most hideously while the medicine 
 was poured down its throat, and afterwards ran about 
 as if mad, endeavouring to bite every thing within 
 its reach. The women shrieked and took to their 
 heels, but the men compelled the swinish patient to re- 
 tire to the m'ddle of the circle, which they formed 
 round it, and in a few minutes it lay down and con- 
 tinued to grunt most jnteouslj/ till it fell fast asleep.--— 
 
 " There's 
 
( 47 ) 
 
 *•' There's the blessed effects of nostrums for you my 
 friends," cried Wilkinson, with an air of triumph, 
 " I thought I should be able to develope imposture." 
 While the people were employed in making philo- 
 sophical reflections on the medicated hog, a cat was pro- 
 duced, and in spite of all her mewing and scratching, 
 she was compelled to swallow one of Dr. Senate's 
 Lozenges of Steel. To describe the convolutions and 
 contortions of poor puss, would be impossible ; no 
 squirrel or monkey on a chain ever exhibited such a 
 variety of postures, while her me wings expressed 
 the pain which her bowels endured. A salutary eva- 
 cuation afforded her relief, but the women whispered 
 among themselves, that no consideration should induce 
 them to suffer such agonies. 
 
 The last experiment was made with Perkins's Me- 
 tallic Tractors, a sett of which had been purchased by 
 Mr. W. in order to convince his neighbours of their 
 bieffieacy. He had received these wonderful instru- 
 ments a few days before, and desired the village black- 
 smith to make him half a dozen iron skewers of the 
 same size. An old kitchen poker was by the force 
 of fire, and the skill of the artist, transformed into a 
 number of skewers, which, though not so well po- 
 lished as the Metallic Tractors, were equally valuable 
 .in the estimation of the farmer. He first enquired 
 whether any person present was afflicted with aches 
 or pains. Dame Thomson came forward and de- 
 clared that she felt a slight rheumatic pain in one of 
 her arms. " O we'll soon remove that/' cried the 
 
 farmer \ 
 
( 48 ) 
 
 farmer ; " here are a pair of the famous Metallic 
 Tractors that you have so often heard of, they cure 
 all pains." Saying this he applied the home-made 
 skewers, and the woman, with apparent pleasure, ex- 
 claimed, " I protest, dear Sir, you have cured me 
 already, my arm is quite well again ! ' ' 
 
 Wilkinson suppressed a laugh, and ordered his 
 home-dog to be brought forward. Poor pompey 
 came, and the farmer desired one of his servants to 
 sear the animal's foot slightly, that he might prove 
 the erncacy of the Tractors in curing a burn. He 
 then applied the genuine American metal to the burnt 
 part, in presence of all his neighbours, but notwith- 
 standing the various geometrical figures which he 
 drew upon the spot, pompey continued to yelp and 
 wail, and when let loose limped away to his kennel. 
 
 The farmer then addressed the people ; — " You 
 have this day," said he, " discovered the inefficacy 
 of patent and quack medicines, let me never again 
 hear any of you extol such ridiculous palliatives, 
 which seem to mock pain and disease instead of giv- 
 ing relief. As for the miracle performed on the 
 arm of Dame Thomson, it was effected by part of 
 my old kitcken poker, which Ben Perkins, our black- 
 smith, took to the smithy yesterday and hammered 
 into skewers." While he spoke, poor Mrs. Thom- 
 son, who had only imagined she was cured, felt a sud- 
 den tingling in her arm, and went home to wrap it 
 up in flannel, while the rest of the villagers retired 
 with a thorough conviction that the cures said to be 
 
 performed 
 
( 49 ) 
 
 performed by nostrums were imaginary, and that 
 such preparations were only invented by fradulent 
 Quacks for the purpose of profiting by the credulity 
 of mankind. 
 
 But the prejudice of an illiterate and unbred farmer 
 can have little influence upon the enlightened and 
 philosophic part of the community, who have long 
 been advocates for wonderful discoveries ; miracles 
 performed by oxygen gas, and the gradual progress of 
 corporeal and mental -perfectibility. 
 
 It is to be regretted, however, that empirical 
 physicians continue detached, nay even averse to each 
 other, when they might, by a combination of their ta- 
 lents, contribute to the edification of the public. 
 
 An Emperor among the ancients offered a reward 
 to whoever could invent a new amusement, and in 
 this age of refinement, we daily see the discoveries 
 of genius liberally patronised by the community. 
 Let our Quack Doctors then coalesce and profit by 
 the universal passion for something new. 
 
 Under the sanction of the Lord Chamberlain a 
 most amusing dramatic entertainment might be per- 
 formed, under the denomination of The Grand Panto- 
 mimic-farcieal-tragi-comical Drama. Let our most 
 celebrated medical operators, Doctors Brodum, Solo- 
 mon, Senate, and Gardner, together with that match- 
 less surgeon Mr. Perkins, coalesce in one firm for the 
 miraculous cure of all diseases incident to man. 
 
 Their theatre might be a temporary structure of 
 
 wood, emblematic of the transitory nature of all 
 
 K earthly 
 
( 50 ) 
 
 'earthly blessings. Before the curtain drew up, a num- 
 ber of swine, cats, parrots, peacocks and owls, 
 might, by the i concord of sweet sounds,* harmonize 
 the minds of the audience. The first scene might 
 exhibit a number of old men and women hobbling in 
 on crutches, and groaning, to the great delight of the 
 hearers, while Mr. Perkins, like a kind magician, 
 came forward, and by touching the old women with 
 his talismanic Tractors, they should appear suddenly 
 restored to health and ease. Meanwhile Dr. Gardner, 
 like Jupiter Tonans, might, by the force of his elec- 
 tric fire, expel the demon of pain from the distorted 
 limbs of the old men. Thus perfectly cured, as if by 
 miracle, the happy assemblage might dance m. a circle 
 round the two philosophers, and afterwards march oft* 
 the stage with acclamations of joy. 
 
 The next scene might exhibit Dr. Brodum busily 
 •employed in preparing his Nervous Cordial and Bo- 
 tanical Syrup, by an intermixture of different oils and 
 simples., from jars, gallipots and bottles, while his 
 great colleague, Dr. Solomon, appeared on the oppo- 
 site side of the stage, ardently engaged in bottling 
 -his Cordial Balm of Gdead, and Anti-Impetigines. 
 In a short dialogue the Doctors might exhort each 
 ether to persevere in deceiving the credulous, by sell- 
 ing a few intermingled simples as efficacious specifics. 
 
 On the arrival of several patients being announced 
 the scene should change to a spacious apartment 
 
 the ornaments of which should be 
 
 " An alligator stufFd, and other skins 
 
 Of ill-shap'd fishes 3 and about the shelves, A 
 
 
( 51 ) 
 
 A beggarly account of empty boxes ; 
 Green earthen pots, bladders, and musty seeds. 
 Remnants of packthread and old cakes of roses.'^ 
 Here a multitude of young and old, of both sexes,, 
 might appear in masquerade, exhibiting the most cada- 
 verous and emaciated visages imaginable.. On the en- 
 trance of the two Doctors, as they are both remark- 
 able for the modesty of their proposals and the elegance of 
 their manners, they might, in a low voice, enquire into 
 the nature of each particular case. Indeed this would 
 afford an excellent opportunity for pantomimic gesti- 
 culation, as the patients might give an affecting idea of 
 their tortures, by the distortions of their limbs, ac- 
 companied with shrieks and groans. 
 
 After this ceremony, on a bell being rung, two 
 servants might enter with the celebrated nostrums. 
 While Dr. Brodum administered his restorative Cor- 
 dial, or Syrup ; Dr. Solomon might also pour out the 
 vialoi his Anti-Impetigines , or his Bam, as each parti- 
 cular case should require. An instantaneous cure, as 
 if by miracle, should succeed this operation, which 
 might be very naturally represented by the masks 
 falling off, while the real faces presented the bloom of 
 health, and the freshness and lustre of youthful vigour, 
 to the admiring ey'es of the astonished spectators. 
 
 The happy train thus miraculously healed, might 
 express their gratitude to their benefactors in a song. 
 In order to render the stage-effect more impressive, the 
 other three beneficent sages might enter and join their 
 venerable brethren, while the whole posse of inferior 
 E % venders 
 
( te ) 
 
 venders of specifics and panaceas should appear, 
 forming a magnificent procession. When the 
 whole assemblage of miracle mongers were coll ?cted 
 in the middle of the stage, Justice might be repre- 
 sented as descending from heaven, and by one touch, 
 of her fiery sword the ground should open beneath 
 the feet of the beneficent advertising physicians and 
 .their satellites, while they sunk to Erebus profound, 
 and a vast volume of sulphurous flame issued from 
 the Tartarean abyss, similar to the catastrophe of 
 Abomelique in Blue Beard, or Female Curiosity. 
 
 We talk of the morality of tragedy, but this panto- 
 m'me would be more instructive than any other species 
 of public amusement. What could be more interest- 
 ing than first to behold so many wretches relieved 
 from the torture of disease and restored to health and 
 beauty ! The man of pleasure might retire from the 
 scene with a determination to indulge in his habitual 
 voluptuousness, while such effectual restoratives could 
 be purchased to renovate his animal spirits ; and the 
 public in general might evince a generous contempt for 
 temperance and virtue, while health, happiness, and 
 immortality could be conferred by the skilful hand of 
 the e?npiric. 
 
 So great has been the difference of opinion respect- 
 ing Quack Doctors, that while some persons have ex- 
 toiled them as demi-gods, others have depreciated 
 them as miscreants ; but from the foregoing sketch, 
 is it not evident that such philosophers are an honour 
 to human nature? Cynical beings may stigmatize 
 
 our 
 
( 53 ) 
 
 our advertising physicians with the approbrious appel- 
 lation of impostors, bu: the good-natured part of the 
 community prove, by the avidity with which they 
 purchase nostrums, that such aspersions are misap- 
 plied. 
 
 Seldom, indeed, have such extraordinary instances 
 of philanthropy appeared as the present age can boast, 
 We may talk of Howard visiting Lazarettos, and 
 descending to dungeons, like an angel of consolation, 
 endeavouring to mitigate human misery ; we tmay ex- 
 tol the sublime charity of the excellent man whose 
 purse was ever open to relieve the necessitous ; nay, 
 we may aver that Dr. Mead voluntarily went to 
 Madrid, and ventured his life to assist in curing the 
 plague in that city. These were divine men, it is 
 but true, if we compare the enterprize and philan- 
 thropy of Dr. B. or Mr. P. with them, is not the 
 superiority of our contemporaries manifest ? 
 
 Did not Dr. Brodum resign an occupation in which 
 he might have lived at his ease ; and did he not en- 
 dure the fatigue of travelling on foot with a box 
 filled with cordials and syrups for the relief of the sick ? 
 Did not the magnanimous Mr. Perkins, in open de- 
 fiance of the winds and waves, traverse the vast At- 
 lantic Ocean, to work miracles in this favoured isle ? 
 and, for aught we know to the contrary, did not Dr. 
 Solomon, like a witch on a broomstick, take his 
 flight on the back of Mahomet's dove to Mecca, 
 thence to Mount Gilead, and home again to Liver- 
 pool, loaded,, like the bee, with his precious Balm, 
 E 3 and 
 
( 54 ) 
 
 and still more costly Anti-Impetigines ? Admirable 
 men ! who to all these toils have superadded the 
 anxiety inseparably connected with the love of 'money ■, 
 which is the root of a greater evil than the scrofula it- 
 self, that incurable disease — remorseless avarice ! Doc- 
 tor Solomon, indeed, has not obtained equal celebrity 
 with the two benign foreigners, but he may justly 
 be classed with the celebrated physicians, Rock and 
 Graham. The admirable Doctor Senate is, frorruthe 
 powers of his prolific genius, entitled to rank with 
 Doctor Faustus himself! 
 
 But while numbers are ready to acknowledge the 
 utility of Quackery, which in many instances may 
 be said to cut off the useless members of society, as a 
 skilful botanist lops his trees, there are others who 
 proudly claim the privilege of thinking for them- 
 selves ; and, from a seeming love of contradiction, 
 condemn the whole host of empirics. One of these 
 censors, who has written on the subject of specifics, 
 says, " that an universal remedy, or one that posseses 
 healing powers for the cure of all diseases, is in fact a 
 ruon-entit}?-, the existence of which is physically im- 
 possible, as the mere idea of it involves a direct con- 
 tradiction. How, for instance, can it be conceived 
 that the same remedy should be capable of restoring 
 the tone of the fibres when they are relaxed, and also 
 have the power of relaxing them when they are too 
 rigid. 
 
 ** Indeed the belief in an universal remedy appears to 
 lose ground every day, though the lower and less en- 
 lightened 
 
( 55 ) 
 
 lightened classes of the community are still imposed 
 upon by a set of privileged impostors, who frequently 
 puzzle the intelligent reader to decide, whether the 
 boldness or the industry with which they endeavour 
 to establish the reputation of their respective poisons, 
 be the most prominent feature in their character," * 
 
 Sometimes an apparent cure by a quack medicine 
 is productive of a more painful disease. Thus, an 
 ulcer healed may be only the closing of the orifice, 
 while the morbid matter, by taking another course, 
 may form an incurable imposthume. A celebrated 
 quack-salver in this metropolis, recently sent a patient 
 to the " undiscovered country from whose bourne 
 no traveller returns," by healing an ulcer in his leg. 
 In a few weeks the empiric was met by the widow, 
 who returned him her thanks for the favour, by say- 
 ing, " God bless you Sir, you cured my husband, 
 but he died in three weeks afterwards." Such is 
 the safety and benefit of tampering with medicine. 
 
 Empirics are permitted by the laws to practise 
 with impunity. Our ancestors, indeed, who pre- 
 vented, or rather repelled disease by a life of tempe- 
 rance, never conceived that any human being could 
 be so depraved as to defraud another of his money 
 •and his life, under the pretext of alleviating pain and 
 
 , * In a single list of patent medicines there are nearly three 
 hundred enumerated for the cure of different diseases 1 and the ven- 
 der says, that to prevent the dangerous consequences that frequent- 
 ly result from counterfeit medicines was the motive that first in- 
 duced hijji to open his warehouse— beneficent man ! 
 
 restoring 
 
( as ) 
 
 restoring health. A still more powerful protection 
 to impostors is derived from the tax paid by them to 
 the State for advertisements and patents. But even 
 in France, Messmer's fradulent pretences were dis- 
 covered and punished ; why then should similar im- 
 positions be pursued in this capital with impunity ? 
 Is the paltry sum obtained by a duty on patent me- 
 dicines to be put in the balance in opposition to the 
 health of a single individual ? No. Were some public- 
 spirited member of the legislature to bring in a bill for 
 the suppression of this iniquitous branch of trade, he 
 •would be the preserver of many wretched beings, 
 who, in the moment of pain are glad to seek relief 
 from nostrums, " as drowning men catch at straws.*' 
 Alas ! what numbers of infatuated mortals swallow 
 the deleterious preparations of the Quack, and sink 
 under the combined pressure of disease and medi- 
 cine ; who, had they been left to the simple efforts of 
 nature, would have recovered, and lived healthy and 
 happy for many years ! W hat an afflicting thought ! 
 and who, that has a heart to feel, would not endea- 
 vour to prevent the farther progress of empirical ho- 
 micide. 
 
 Dissolute young men are induced to continue in 
 the practice of their pernicious habits of wantonness 
 and excess, from the mistaken idea that a nostrum 
 will operate as an effectual restorative. Young girls 
 are also permitted to indulge in the use of confections, 
 which, from their heating nature, and the super- 
 abundance of nutriment they supply, generate disease. 
 
 Health 
 
1 57 ) 
 
 Health and beauty are at once injured, and licentious 
 desires kindled, so that both in a moral and physical 
 sense, children should be prevented from an indul- 
 gence in luxuries. The blessings of temperance, a 
 healthy body and serene mind, will give a richer zest 
 to the bounties of Divine Providence ; and the predo- 
 minance of intellectual, over sensual pleasure, will 
 exalt the happy individual in the rank of rational and 
 thinking beings ! One truth must excite some degree 
 of alarm in the heart of the epicure. It is well known 
 that substances in themselves salutary may, when in- 
 termingled with others, become rank poison. Hence 
 the fatal effects of. eating a variety of viands, or 
 mingling liquids of a heterogeneous nature, has doubt- 
 Jess precipitated myriads to an untimely tomb ! This 
 is commonly called dying of a surfeit. O man I if 
 you would enjoy health and long life, restrain your 
 appetites, remove the savoury but destructive viands, 
 and fling the Circean cup of intoxication from your 
 trembling hand ! 
 
 Domestic quackery is another source of calamity 
 to mankind. Lady Bountiful in the country, and 
 Lady Languish in town, pique themselves upon their 
 skill and humanity, insomuch, that on the slightest 
 indisposition, seme cordial or cataplasm" is prescrib- 
 ed. Hence the constitution of whoever is so unfor- 
 tunate as to be reared under tkeir auspices, becomes 
 like a green-house plant, and shrinks beneath every 
 change of the atmosphere. Were nature left to her- 
 self, most slight diseases, such as rheumatic pains, 
 
 tooth-ache, 
 
( 58 ) 
 
 teoth-ache, and colds, would be gradually cured hf 
 the exertions of the constitution, leaving the convales- 
 cent vigorous and alert, instead of the langour pro- 
 duced by laudanum and a diversity of medicines, 
 which only clog the wheels of the animal machine. 
 
 Young persons who wish to obtain medical infor<* 
 mation, combined with amusement, will be amply 
 gratified by a perusal of Armstrong's Art of Preserv- 
 ing Health ; a poem, in which the best physical in- 
 struction is conveyed, through the inchanting nu> 
 dium of pleasing and perspicuous language. 
 
 On the subject of cleanliness the poet says : ■ * 
 ** Ablution just enough to clear 
 The sluices of the skin, enough to keep 
 The body sacred from indecent soil. 
 Still to be pure, e'en did it not conduce 
 (As much it does) to health, were greatly worth 
 Your daily pains : 'tis this adorns the rich ; 
 The want of this, is poverty's worst foe 5 
 With this external virtue age- maintains 
 A decent grace ; without it youth and charms 
 Are loathsome : this the venal graces know, 
 So doubtless do your wives." 
 His advice with regard to food well deserves the at- 
 tention of the reader : — 
 
 ' Avoid the catcs 
 
 That lull the sicken'd appetite too long, 
 Or heave with feverish fki.-.hings all the face, 
 Burn in the palms or parch the rough' ning tongue, 
 Sated with nature's boons what thousands seek, 
 With dishes tortur'd from their native taste 
 
 And 
 
( 59 ) 
 
 And mad variety, to spur beyond 
 
 Its wiser will the jaded appetite 1 
 
 Is this for pleasure ? learn a juster taste, 
 
 And know that temp' ranee is true luxury. 
 
 Avoid the stubborn aliment, avoid 
 
 The full repast, and let sagacious age 
 
 <Trow wiser. 
 
 -Bevond the sense 
 
 Of light refection at the genial board 
 Indulge not often, nor protract the feast 
 To dull satiety, till soft and slow 
 A drowsy death creeps on th' expansive soul, 
 Oppress' d and sinother'd the celestial fire. 
 What dextrous thousands just within the goal 
 Of wild debauch direct their nightly course! 
 But ah, what woes remain! life rolls apace, 
 And that incurable disease old age, 
 In youthful bodies more severely felt, 
 More sternly active, shakes their blasted prime, 
 And sows the temples with untimely snow." 
 
 Armstrong, as well as several other medical writ- 
 ers recommends water as the most excellent diluent.' 
 But he did not consider what a degree of self-denial 
 was requisite to render a man content with such imi~ 
 pid beverage in a city where liquors of the most grate- 
 ful flavour, the most delightful colour, and cheering 
 nature, are perpetually soliciting his taste. Indeed, 
 it may be said, that a species of luxurious hydrophobia is 
 epidemical, not only in London, but throughout Eng- 
 land. We shall quote the advice of the poet, though 
 k is very questionable, indeed, whether the lyre of 
 
 Apollo 
 
( 60 ) 
 
 Apollo himself could prevail upon the people to pre* 
 fer water to ale. 
 
 " Learn temp' ranee, friends! and hear without disdain 
 
 The choice of water. 
 
 Nothing like simple element dilutes 
 
 The food, or gives the chyle so soon to flow '. 
 
 But where the stomach indolent and cold 
 
 Toys with its duty animate with wine. 
 
 Hoffman says, " If there be any universal medi- 
 cine in nature it is water ; for by its assistance all dis- 
 tempers are alleviated or cured, and the body pre- 
 served sound and free from corruption, that enemy to 
 life." 
 
 Addison, who may be considered as a physician 
 of the mind, and whose moral precepts also embraced 
 the sanity of the body, expatiates on the necessity 
 of temperance and exercise with his peculiar perspi- 
 cuity and strength. His elegant dissertations being 
 more delightful and instructive than any medical 
 treatise, we shall extract a few passages for the infor- 
 mation of the youthful reader. 
 
 " Exercise is the most effectual physic. The ge- 
 neral idea of a human bod}^, without considering it 
 in the niceties of anatomy, let us see how absolutely 
 necessary labour is for the right preservation of it. 
 Labour or exercise ferments the humours, casts them 
 into their proper channel, throws off redundancies, 
 and helps Nature in those secret distributions, with- 
 out which the body cannot exist in its vigour, nor the 
 soul act with chearfulncss. 
 
 " I might 
 
( 61 ) 
 
 x< I might here mention the effects which this has 
 upon all the faculties of the mind, by keeping the un- 
 derstanding clear, the imagination untroubled, and 
 refining those spirits which are necessary for the pro* 
 per exertion of our intellectual faculties, during the 
 present laws of union between soul and b»dy. It is 
 to a neglect in this particular that we must ascribe 
 the spleen, which is so frequent in men of studious 
 and sedentary tempers ; as well as the vapours, to 
 which those of the other sex are so often subject. 
 
 I shall in this place mention another great preser- 
 vation of health, which in many cases produces the 
 same effect as exercise, and may in some measure 
 supply its place, where opportunities of exercise are 
 ■wanting. The preservative I am speaking of is Tem- 
 perance, which has those particular advantages 
 above all other means of health, that it may be prac- 
 tised by all ranks and conditions, at any season or in 
 any place. It is a kind of regimen into which every ' 
 man may put himself without interruption of business, 
 expence of money, or loss of time. If exercise throws 
 off all superfluities, temperance prevents them ; if 
 exercise clear the vessels, temperance neither satiates 
 nor overstrains them ; if exercise raise proper fer- 
 ments in the humours, and promote the circulation 
 of the blood, temperance gives nature her full play, 
 and enables her to exert herself in all her force and 
 vigour ; if exercise dissipates a growing distemper, 
 temperance starves it. 
 
 (t Physic for the most part is nothing else but a 
 F substitute 
 
( 62 ) 
 
 substitute for exercise or temperance. Medicines are 
 indeed absolutely necessary in acute distempers, that 
 cannot wait the slow operations of these two great 
 instruments of health ; but did men live in an habi- 
 tual course of exercise and temperance, there would 
 be but little occasion for them. 
 
 " It is impossible to lay down any determinate 
 rule for temperance, because what is luxury in one 
 may be temperance in another ; but there are few 
 that have lived any time in the world, who are not 
 judges of their own constitution, so far as to know 
 what kinds and what proportion of food do best 
 agree with them. Were I to consider my readers as 
 my patients, and to prescribe such a kind of tempe- 
 rance as is accommodated to all persons, and such as 
 is particularly suited to our climate and way of living, 
 I would copy the following rules of a very eminent 
 physician. Make your whole repast out of owe dish. 
 If you indulge in a second, avoid drinking any thing 
 strong until you have finished your meal ; at the same 
 time abstain from all sauces, or at least from such as 
 are not the most plain and simple. Were I to pre- 
 scribe a rule for drinking, it would be formed upon 
 a saying quoted by Sir William Temple ; the first 
 glass for myself, the second for my friends, the third 
 for good humour, and the fourth for my enemies. 
 But because it is impossible for one who lives in the 
 •world to diet himself always in so philosophic a man- 
 ner, I think every man should have his days of ab- 
 stinence, according as his constitution will permit. 
 These are great reliefs to nature, as they qualify it for 
 
 struggling 
 
( 63 ) 
 
 struggling with hunger and thirst, whenever any dis- 
 temper or duty of life may put it upon such difficul- 
 ties ; and at the same time give it an opportunity of 
 extricating itself from its oppressions, and recovering 
 the several tones and springs of its distorted vessels. 
 Besides, that abstinence well timed often kills a sickness in 
 the embrio, and destroys the first seeds of an indisposition* 
 It is observed by two or three ancient authors, that 
 Socrates, notwithstanding lie lived in Athens during 
 the great plague which has made so great a noise 
 throughout all ages, and has been celebrated at differ- 
 ' ent times by such eminent hands : I say, notwith- 
 standing that he lived in the time of this devouring 
 pestilence, he never caught the least infection, which 
 those writers unanimously ascribe to that uninterrup- 
 ted temperance which he always observed. " 
 
 '* 'Tis to thy rules, O Temperance ! that we owe, 
 
 All pleasures which from health and strength can flow: 
 
 Vigour of body, purity of mind, 
 
 Unclouded reason, sentiment refin'd." 
 
 Valetudinarians often voluntarily suffer more pain 
 than was ever inflicted by the Inquisition. By swal- 
 lowing every medicine which ignorant friends or art- 
 ful Quacks recommend, these wretched dupes, in- 
 stead of disarming disease, only render it more pow- 
 erful. " Three-fourths of the diseases of the people 
 of London are ideal ; and many persons contribute to 
 the support of the physician, and pay him liberally 
 for regular attendance, while they labour not under 
 bodily indisposition but the imaginary ailments of a 
 F 2 mind 
 
( 64 ) 
 
 mind diseased. Many an athletic hypochondriac, 
 whose sanity would he. restored in a few days by ex- 
 ercise, now imagines himself at the point of death, 
 though he will probably outlive his physician. The 
 revelling and excess of those unhappy beings has pro- 
 duced in them such a relaxation of nerve and imbeci- 
 lity of mind, that they tremble at the momentary 
 gloom occasioned by every passing cloud; the sight 
 of a hearse fills them with horror ; and the mournful 
 knell thrills through every fibre. 
 
 a Were- we to investigate the origin of those dis- 
 eases that really exist in this capital, they would be 
 found to proceed from gluttony , indolence ■„ and sen- 
 suality ; consequently not only the preventive of such 
 diseases, but even the cure may be found in adher- 
 ence to temperance, exercise, and moderation in the 
 pursuit of amusements."* 
 
 The beneficent Creator has so wisely consti- 
 tuted both the human body and mind, that they pos- 
 sess an inherent power to resist and often overcome 
 disease. This power is by physicians called the 
 Autocrateia, or vis medieatrix naturae. Hippocrates 
 says, " Nature is sufficient to the well-being of every 
 animal, and kindly performs every thing that is neces- 
 sary to their well-being without any other aid.'* 
 Had he lived in this luxurious age, however, he would 
 have acknowledged the necessity of moral precepts to 
 restrain the passions, and medical assistance to remove 
 
 * Satirical View of London, p. 138. 
 
 the 
 
( 65 ) 
 
 the maladies brought on by indolence and dissipa- 
 tion. 
 
 In order to preserve health, Hippocrates advises us 
 not to eat to excess, and on no account to neglect ex- 
 ercise. Not to accustom ourselves to too exact a re- 
 gimen, lest any sudden deviation should be fatal. He 
 recommends pure water as the most wholesome drink, 
 and sometimes an equal quantity of wine and water 
 intermingled, as the wine will expel whatever is in- 
 jurious to the intestines, and the water will temper the 
 acrimony of the humours. It is remarkable that St. 
 Paul gives Timothy nearly the same advice — " Use 
 no longer water but a little wine for thy stomach's 
 sake and thine often infirmities. ' ' 
 
 To attempt to give rules respecting health in a 
 work, the object of which is to expose the empiric, 
 would savour of the very thing we wish to censure. 
 But a few friendly hints to persons labouring under 
 lingering disease may not be improper. Valetudina- 
 rians must be convinced that the passions have a most 
 powerful effect on the health of the body, and that 
 the pains of the body excite sympathy in the mind. 
 Hope, that prime chearer of the soul, accompanied 
 by strict temperance, will re-establish the health of 
 the infirm sooner than all the simples of nature, or the 
 chemical preparations invented by man. Look around 
 then you who now drag on a lingering existence— <- 
 behold numbers who were lately in full health, 
 suddenly carried off by fevers arising from Intern- 
 pepunce, that Hydra which devoura^human happiness, 
 F 3 No 
 
( 66 ) 
 
 No longer torment yourselves, nor make your sto- 
 mach, like Noah's Ark, a-receptacle for every clean 
 and unclean thing that you imagine may renovate the 
 constitution. If you cannot be restored by moderate 
 exercise and a mild regimen, calmly submit to that 
 dissolution which awaits every human being. In- 
 stead of relying wholly on the skill of feeble man, 
 bow with resignation to the will of the Divine 
 Physician who can " kill and make alive !** 
 
 Dear and amiable young people of both sexes, who 
 yet enjoy health, if any of you are led away by the 
 igrtustfatuus qi t pleasure, pause in your career, and re- 
 flect that a body beautified by temperance and invigo- 
 rated by exercise, with a mind harmonized by the 
 social affections, constitute your perfection as rational 
 beings. Whatever evi! habits the example or intice- 
 ment of others, or the suggestions of your own imagi- 
 nation may have tempted you to adopt, must be dis- 
 continued if you hope for happiness here or hereafter ! 
 Ah ! lay your hand upon your palpitating bosom, 
 and ask yourselves will these vain or vicious pursuits 
 confer felicity? Then Conscience, like a tutelary 
 angel, will answer — No ! Return, return to the true 
 path, which is illumined by the light of Reason, and 
 ' leads to the Temple of Happiness. 
 
 All rational enjoyments are sanctioned by virtue. 
 The generous sympathy of friendship ; the extatic 
 thrill of love ; the chearful song of decent conviviality, 
 and the delightful sensations occasioned by the voice 
 of the muse. Ev^ery elegant accomplishment, which 
 
 is 
 
{ 67 > 
 
 is allied to decorum, must be conducive to the supe- 
 rior refinement of the intelligent mind. But human 
 nature is too apt to pass the limits of propriety. In- 
 cited by curiosity or emulation , the ardent and aspir- 
 ing mind of youth is desirous to attain the proud 
 pinnacle of excellence. Were this generous ambition 
 directed to the attainment of useful knowledge, and 
 the unremitted practice of beneficence, it would 
 render the happy candidate the living image of the 
 Deity ! Art thou, O youthful Reader, actuated by 
 such motives as these ? Art thou emulous to excel 
 others in the love of justice, generosity, truth, and 
 chastity. These are the imperishable columns on 
 which alone the fair arch of thy renown can be estab- 
 lished for ever ! 
 
 The fallacy of empiricism has already been suffi- 
 ciently animadverted on. Indeed one single reflection 
 may serve to subvert the whole fabric of medical im- 
 posture. Had any of the proposed panaceas invented 
 by man ever been endued with universal healing virtues , 
 all other medicines would have been totally unneces- 
 sary ; and as light is supplied by the sun, the grand 
 restorative would have supplied all mankind with 
 liealth and longevity ; hence there would have been 
 no necessity to collect drugs or acquire medical 
 knowledge, 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
( 68 ) 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Dialogue between a Quack Doctor and a Satirist. 
 
 Satirist. 
 Thou destroyer of man, thou vicegerent of death; 
 In thy look there is jaundice, and pest in thy breath ; 
 Depart from this Island; and leave us some hope 
 Of living our time, if you'd 'scape from the rope. 
 
 Quack Doctor. 
 
 Pray cease your invective, my character spare, 
 And in all future profits with me you shall share ; 
 Don't you know, Sir, the mass of mankind are all fools, 
 Who rely upon nostrums and medical rules; 
 To restore wasted vigour and renovate health, 
 ' So whoever will promise such blessings grasps wealth. 
 
 Satirist. 
 Whene'er I at fradulent cunning connive, 
 May my small spark of life not that moment survive! * 
 I know that the credulous oft are deceiv'd, 
 And impostors like you are too often believ'd ; 
 
 * It is not improbable that the Quacks fatitized in this book 
 may bring an action against the author in order to excite public 
 attention. He therefore begs leaye to assure the reader, that he 
 shall be proud to appear in a Court of Justice in opposition to 
 Quacks and their auxiliary pettifoggers, who are equally the ob- 
 jects of his indignation; and that should such miscreants presume 
 to enter the sacred temple of the law, he shall denounce them at 
 the tribunal of his country as the destroyers of public health and 
 ihappiness. 
 
 While 
 
( C9 ) 
 
 I While you violate truth, and that just law defy, 
 Which declares that a murderer surely shall die. 
 
 Quack Doctor. 
 
 Stop, Sir, you're -in error, I am a physician, 
 
 See here's my diploma and in good condition ; 
 
 It came by the coach from the North 'pon my honour, 
 
 And grateful am I to the generous donor ; 
 
 If that won't suffice, Sir, see here is my patent 
 
 'To cure all diseases apparent or latent : 
 
 I find you suspected I was but a poacher, 
 
 On other physicians a frontless encroacher; 
 
 But my qualification's without the least flaw, 
 
 And I kill my game fairly according to law> 
 
 TO 
 
( 70 ) 
 
 TO THE READER. 
 
 $ine* this Work was put to Press, the Author thought 
 that in consequence of the respect due to a People long 
 distinguished for their learning and piety, he ought te 
 make some enquiries respecting the mode of granting degrees 
 adopted in the Scotch Universities. Accordingly he re- 
 quested his Bookseller to write to his friend Professor 
 JRentley, of King's College, Aberdeen, for information 
 on the subject. The following answer being returned, he 
 legs leave to present it to the Public as an exculpation, at 
 least of one College of Abtrdeen fro??i the charge of con* 
 ferring academic honours on impostors. 
 
 King's College, Aberdeen, Wi Nov. 1801. 
 Sir, 
 
 ] think your concern for the character of your coun- 
 try is truly laudable, and I am happy in being able to as- 
 sure you, that that of the University and King's Col- 
 lege, Aberdeen, can be satisfactorily vindicated. Neither 
 Solomon nor Brodum ever did or could obtain any acade- 
 mical honour from it. If the other College, which is to- 
 tally unconnected with ours, and is about a mile off in New 
 
 Aberdeen, 
 
( 71 ) 
 
 Aberdeen, be any wise implicated, they will, 1 doubt not, 
 vindicate themselves. And that they may, I have, in jus- 
 tice, communicated to their Professor of Medicine, Dr. 
 Livingston, the subject of your favour this morning, and 
 suppose you will hear from him, though he may not have 
 time by this post. 
 
 When Candidates for Medical Degrees cannot be pre- 
 sent, we are particularly strict in requiring ample certificates 
 of their moral character, and of their literary and profes- 
 sional abilities, signed by two Gentlemen of the Faculty, 
 who are themselves M. D's j and we have generally the 
 signatures of tbe first Physicians in London. It is likewise 
 a regulation that the candidate shall declare he is not, nor 
 ever shall be concerned in making or vending quack medi- 
 cines. The trifling expence to those who are judged qua- 
 lified for Degrees, is by no means as a price, but merely 
 the fees of office, and makes no part of the emoluments of 
 any member of the College, excepting one, who has a part 
 of it. As well might the sums paid to clerks and others in 
 the public offices, by those who obtain royal presentations 
 to places, be deemed the price of such places, as these 
 dues. 
 
 The University has to regret that, in one or two in- 
 stances, their predecessors have been imposed upon ; but 
 this has had the effect of making them more cautious : and 
 tfee Medical Ckair is at present filled by a Gentleman, Sir 
 
 Alexander 
 
Alexander Ban nerman, whose sense of honour and regard 
 for his profession, are alone sufficient to guard us against 
 any misapplication of our powers in this way. 
 
 Your's most faithfully, 
 
 James Bentley* 
 
 } 
 
 Mr, Ogle, Bool-seller, Great-Turnstile, 
 Holborn, London. 
 
 The Author shall feel a still higher degree of gratifica-* 
 Hon when the Members of the other College shall think pro~ 
 per to vindicate themselves, and he shall chearfully publish 
 such vindication in a future Edition of this Work, ac~ 
 companied tvith an apology to the ingenious and amiable 
 Dr. Beattie and his Colleagues* 
 
 PHILOSOPHICAL 
 
( 73 ) 
 
 PHILOSOPHICAL QUACKERY. 
 
 See scuiking Truth to her old cavern fled, 
 Mountains of casuistry heaped o'er her head ! 
 "Philosophy, that lean'd on Heavn before, . 
 Shrinks to her second cause and is no more. 
 Physic of Metaphysic begs defence, 
 And Metaphysic calls for aid on Sense \ 
 See Mystery to Mathematics fly ! 
 In vain ! they gaze, turn giddy, rave, and die, 
 Religion, blushing, veils her sacred fires, 
 And unawares Morality expires. 
 No public flame nor private, dares to shine 3 
 No human spark is left, no glimpse divine \ 
 Lo, thy dread empire Chaos ! is restor'd -, 
 Light dies before thy uncreating word ; 
 Thy hand, great Anarch. \ lets the curtain fall, 
 And universal darkness buries all. 
 
 POPE. 
 
 IF we compare Athens, even in the zenith of her 
 glory, to modern London, tlie.-superiority of the latter 
 will be manifest. The Grecian city was indeed fre- 
 quented by the lovers of science, who came from dif- 
 ferent 
 * As the term quackery has in general been confined to medical 
 imporfurt, the author thinks it necessary to apologize for the liberty 
 kc hs*-taken in applying it to some other kinds of deception. Should 
 H the 
 
t 7* ) 
 
 ferent climes to drink wisdom at the fountain-head in 
 her academic groves ; but we may imbibe knowledge 
 and porter in every tap-room in this capital, where 
 numbers of benevolent sages are assiduously employed 
 in their patriotic endeavours to convince us that reli- 
 gion is a farce ; that we should divest ourselves of 
 those superstitious prejudices which regulate the. mo- 
 rals of our ancestors, and, with a generous zeal for 
 knowledge, endeavour to subvert the chimerical fabric 
 of priestcraft and hypocrisy. 
 
 This laudable desire to contribute to the edification 
 of the ignorant has become so general, that many 
 disinterested tradesmen would spend the whole after- 
 noon over their cups, rather than pursue their bu- 
 siness, in order to convert one individual to the new 
 philosophy. The same beneficent disposition appears to 
 actuate clerks and shopmen, who conscientiously ne- 
 glect their master's business, in order to convince 
 some superstitious simpleton that no man of spirit or 
 knowledge would be a Christian ! Were these gene- 
 rous zealots as assiduous in promoting the welfare of 
 
 the Reviewers object to this innovation, he will chearfully substi- 
 tute some other significant term in a future edition $ as the opinion 
 of those Critics, in matters of taste and propriety of language, shall 
 never be disputed by him, from a thorough conviction of their su- 
 perior judgment. Our best modern fatirist, however, has not 
 scrupled to use the word in a greater latitude than is commonly 
 allowed. 
 
 " Church Quacks with passions uuder no command." 
 
 Cowpi». 
 
 theif 
 
( 75 ) 
 
 tkeir employer, nay, were they as eager to convert 
 men to truth as they are to mislead them into the paths 
 of sophistical delusion, they might then be consi- 
 dered as philosophers indeed ! 
 
 This juvenile effervescence of the animal spirit?, 
 which stimulates self-conceited youth, may subside, 
 and the errors of the head be extenuated by the ami*- 
 able qualities of the heart, provided the contagion of 
 modern philosophy has not driven the phrenetic dupe 
 into the vortex of sensuality ; but the cold-hearted me- 
 taphysician, or insidious framer of ethical theories, 
 who with premeditation reject the sublime and practi- 
 . cable precepts of Christianity, may be said to labour 
 under an incurable mental disease. 
 
 Some of our moral philosophers, however, are 
 justly entitled to the approbation of mankind. Pa- 
 ley and Cogan have elucidated the duties which we 
 owe as members of the community, and their pages 
 are a luminous mirror, in which the youthful mind 
 may contemplate Truth adorned with the white to be 
 of Morality. 
 
 It has been often asserted by the enemies of Chris- 
 tianity,* that it has been the source of contention and 
 
 war 
 
 * In a late publication of Madame de Genlis, entitled, " Little 
 la Bruyere," the author makes the following observations on Free- 
 thinkers, ' des esprils forts.' " The epithet of sttong mind is 
 a title which impious men gave to themselves, because they pre- 
 tended that it required great strength of mind to shake off the yoke 
 of religion. The absurdity of this assertion is evident, and even 
 the taost impious tn^n onnot deny, that it is much more prudent 
 H 2 to 
 
( re ) 
 
 war among mankind. The truth is, designing men, 
 under the pretext of religion, obtained an ascendancy 
 ovef the minds of others, and practised the greatest 
 cruelties and oppressions, which they endeavoured to 
 sanction by their pretended zeal for the truth. But if 
 wt except a few instances of bigotry and persecution, 
 we shall find, on consulting history, that mankind 
 
 to follow religion than to reject it. They even acknowledge that 
 it is consolatory, and that its morality is admirable, so that they 
 add crime to imprudence ; for it is a crime to deprive mankind of 
 their best consolation, their sublimest hopes, and their veneration 
 for die most perfect system of ethics. 
 
 *' True strength of mind consists in the ability of a man to stem 
 the torrent of licentiousness, and to preserve his principles and his 
 morals inviolate amidst a depraved multitude. They who possess 
 real strength of mind at the present time, are persons truly religi- 
 ous. Weak and frivolous minds suffer themselves to be hurried 
 down the stream by example, and by the passions, all of which 
 are encouraged by impiety. 
 
 tf Examine, impious men closely, and you will find them desti- 
 tute of the knowledge of religion j nay, that they have forsaken- 
 it without having studied it, and that they form their judgment 
 ©f it exclusively on the wretched sophisms of its detractors. Yoit 
 ■will -discover that the true cause of their aversion to religion is the 
 severity of its m^ral, and that they are led away by the convenient 
 pliancy of modern philosophy. 
 
 " Voltaire, Diderot, D'Alembert, and their abettors, laboured 
 incessantly for sixty years to establish deism } irreligion, during 
 that time, made inconceivable progress} are men happier on this 
 account ? are they better ? 
 
 " Oh ! young people, whose minds are unperverted ; whose 
 hearts are yet pure ; two paths lie open before you j one leads to 
 error and vice ; the other to truth and virtus.''* 
 
 Jiever 
 
( 77 ) 
 
 *erer became truly humanized till the benign pre- 
 cepts of Christ softened the ferocity of the passions. 
 
 The tree is known by its fruit. What benevolent in- 
 stitution has Ven founded, or what extraordinary act 
 of virtue performed by an Atheist or Deist — what re- 
 cord remains of their public or private virtues ? None. 
 On the other hand, the pages of modern history are 
 illuminated with memorials of the heroism, pa- 
 triotism, and piety of Christians. 
 
 Alfred, the great and good Alfred, who founded 
 the University of Oxford, and established the laws of 
 his country on the basis of justice, was a devout 
 Christian. Milton, Newton, Boyle, Addison, and 
 Watts were Christians. Among the Deists many 
 men of genius have appeared. Their High-Priest 
 Voltaire, together with Hume, Gibbon, Volney, and 
 Paine, have used all the deceptious arts of wit and rea- 
 son to establisk their own reputation by subverting 
 the souls of others. Alas ! they have been but too 
 successful, and a swarm of half-tvitted philosophists 
 devour the germs of morality that begin to appear in 
 the youthful mind, and sow the baneful seeds of rank 
 sensuality in the susceptible breast of their victim. 
 
 Nature is the idol of the modern speculatist, who, 
 after descanting on necessity, reason, and virtue, will 
 retire amid the plaudits of his auditory and dwindle 
 into a mere man, perhaps trembling at the sight of a 
 bailiff, or exercising his rhetorical powers in scolding 
 his wife and servants. 
 
 Among other endowments the modern theorist 
 H 3 seems 
 
( 78 ) 
 
 seems to consider himself gifted with the spirit of pro- 
 phecy. He is ever predicting the downfall of tyranny 
 an.l superstitution, with which he studiously com- 
 bines Revelation. He has adopted a most ingenious 
 mode of evading refutation, by insisting that the 
 time when such a change will happen, must, from the 
 present state of society, be delayed for at least half a 
 century. By this expedient he endeavours to obtain a 
 degree of credibility, and at the worst he consoles him- 
 self with the reflection, that his opponents will na* 
 tiitally be removed before the period of time men- 
 tioned. 
 
 Pause, Oh ! pause one moment m your frantic ca- 
 reer, ye dupes of modern philosophers ! Your se- 
 ducers from the path of virtue have, under the sem- 
 blance of liberality of sentiment, " fed each baser 
 passion of the heart," and thus triumphed over 
 your mind by an attack on the most vulnerable part. 
 Reflect, dear but deluded fellow-creatures of both 
 sexes — reflect, that dissipation must accelerate the ap- 
 proach of sickness and death, as the flaring blaze con- 
 sumes the oil of the lamp. Your vivid animal spi- 
 rits will soon be exhausted by those criminal excesses, 
 which you misname pleasures. Awake from the 
 dream of sensuality to your true happiness, which 
 can only be obtained by returning to the path of tem- 
 perance. Your reward will be serenity, similar to 
 that of the mariner, who, shipwrecked on a stormy 
 s#a, escapes on a single plank to a land of security 
 and plenty. Every artifice of proud and blasphemous 
 
 unbelievers 
 
! 79 ) 
 
 unbelievers has been exerted to undermine your 
 health and virtue. Miscreant Quack Doctors, and 
 Pseudo-Philosophers have flattered your selfish pas- 
 sions, that they might plunder you of your property 
 —and what is the result ? The privation of health, 
 of body, and sanity of mind ! Renounce the sophisms 
 of such depraved beings, and return to the practice 
 of those precepts of the only true, 'philosophy, which 
 clears the head and meliorates the heart. No longer 
 glory in the wild and fashionable theories of infide- 
 lity, but purify yourselves from the morbific conta- 
 gion of folly, by an ablution in that fountain of dig- 
 nity, serenity, and happiness — the Christian Re- 
 ligion. 
 
 A man who wanders from the straight path of Re- 
 velation into the labyrinth of Scepticism, is like the 
 inheritor of a competent patrimony, who wastes it in 
 excess, and afterwards launches friendless and inex- 
 perienced into the ocean of life. Whoever embraces 
 Deism instead of the Christian Religion prefers vice 
 to virtue. 
 
 Many proofs might be adduced of the superiority of 
 Divine revelation over the best human system of 
 ethics ; but the man who is already animated with 
 its blissful influence, that time sunshine of the mind, re- 
 quires no other evidence than his own experience. As 
 for the blasphemous and obdurate atheist or deist, 
 alas, he would not be converted though one should 
 arise from the dead ! To the -giddy and unthinking, 
 however, whose wavering minds have been warped 
 
 by 
 
( 80 } 
 
 by the boldness of the impious, and who mistook th« 
 audacious sneer of sarcastic wit for the honest effu- 
 sion of an enlightened mind, to them we appeal, and 
 entreat them to relinquish the flimsy 'end fascinating 
 sophistry of deism, and adopt the practical precepts of 
 Christ, that benign physician and shepherd of souls ! 
 
 The improvements of Philosophy are not confined 
 to metaphysics and ethics, we can boast of several na- 
 turalists, whose acute investigations and ingenious ex- 
 periments have led to the most important discoveries 
 of the arcana of Nature. Among other sages Doc- 
 tor Darwin is entitled to particular attention, both 
 for the sublimity of his conceptions and the boldness 
 of his disquisitions. His * Loves of the Plants' presents 
 a feast to the bookworm ; and the discovery of the 
 soft passion existing among vegetables, must be high- 
 ly interesting to the natural philosopher. 
 
 Should some ingenious mineralogist discover an in- 
 herent principle of affection in the third kingdom of 
 nature, we might consider of human knowledge 
 with respect to this globe, at leasft, as having ar- 
 rived at perfection. Might not a naturalist, gifted 
 with poetical talents, clearly demonstrate that the 
 attraction and cohesion of inert matter was mere- 
 ly another modification of that universal love, 
 * 6 whose strong embrace holds heaven, and earth, and 
 main ; ' ' and might he not delight us with an epic 
 poem on a similar plan with the Iliad, describing the 
 rape of some marble Helen, carried off by some fierj 
 limestone Paris 1 By the force of a powerful imagi- 
 nation. 
 
( 81 ) 
 
 nation, be might describe the whole mineral kingdom 
 W a state of warfare, while fossils and metals, by their 
 hostile concussions, produced earthquakes and vol- 
 canoes. 
 
 Indeed the wisdom of our fanciful philosophers was 
 manifested during the late dearth of provisions, when, 
 with a benignity peculiar to themselves, they disco- 
 vered to the public that fern roots, the succulent 
 branches of trees ; nay some species of bituminous 
 argil, was most savoury and nutritive food ; and 
 when a sceptical John Bull expressed his doubts re- 
 specting the wholesomeness of such aliment, an An- 
 glo-German bookmaker exclaimed,- — " What, do 
 you dispute the authority of Dr. Darwin ?' r 
 
 Medical sages, who are emulous to distinguish 
 themselves by a singularity of opinion, sometimes re- 
 commend abstinence from particular kinds of food. 
 One advises us to be very moderate in the use of 
 bread, as it is an earthy species of aliment and not 
 easily digested ; another prohibits the use of that olea- 
 ginous food, called butter, which is often productive 
 of cutaneous diseases. Thus they would literally 
 make us quarrel with our bread and butter, though it is 
 well known that such empirics are by no means so 
 abstemious as they pretend. 
 
 Other theorists, such as Count Rumford, that 
 * 6 man of smoke" recommend a flannel shirt to be 
 worn next the skin, as a preventive against disease. 
 Do these Quacks wish to introduce the sweating 
 sickness once so fatal to Englishmen ; or because their 
 
 own 
 
( S2 ) 
 
 own skin scarf-skin is callous, do they think that ours 
 is equally unfeeling. Experience has taught us that 
 Jlannel armour , instead of repellmg^the shafts of death, 
 in consequence of absorbing the perspired matter, is 
 but too often like the poisoned shirt of Hercules. 
 From the moisture of the atmosphere, however, both 
 in Great Britain and Ireland, it has been found that a 
 thin flannel waistcoat worn over the linen, has repel- 
 led the damp vapours from without, while insensible 
 perspiration, that friend to health, moderately pro- 
 moted by frequent changing the linen. 
 
 This may justly be denominated the Age of Philo- 
 sophy, when the arts and the sciences have been brought 
 to wonderful perfection indeed ! One of our astro- 
 nomers has discovered what nobody but himself can 
 perceive, that the sun is an opaque body / and another, 
 still more extraordinary mortal, has written a pamph- 
 let to prove that it is a globe of ice ! In the latter case 
 there is some reason to apprehend that it may " dis- 
 solve and thaw itself into a dew," which circum- 
 stance would be of little importance to us if its opacity 
 were real ; but every eye that can see bears witness 
 against the morbid affection of poor Dr. H*******'s 
 optics, and mankind generally concur in the opinion 
 that the sun is a luminous body. 
 
 About two years ago a theoretical barber amused 
 the town by turning his attention from the hair to the 
 brains of mankind, whom he endeavoured to convince 
 of the superior excellence of his astronomical theory. 
 But, like many of his contemporary sages, he was 
 
 obliged 
 
( 83 ) 
 
 obliged to relinquish his patriotic scheme of enlight- 
 ening the public, who thought him much better qua- 
 lified to exhibit a grand display of a lady's wig than of 
 the universe ; and that he would probably be more 
 successful in the adjustment of curls, than a refutation 
 of the Newtonian Philosophy ; which, like an im- 
 pregnable fortress, has hi*herto withstood ihtjlying 
 artillery of vain French Philosophists, and their coadju- 
 tors in this country. 
 
 In consequence of the inestimable discovery of 
 manufacturing straw into paper, we have a heap of 
 wealth in every farm-yard. A rick of straw trans- 
 formed into paper, and impressed with certain cha- 
 racters, may become a treasure of bank-notes fit to 
 be locked up in the escruitore of the female gambler, 
 orthe iron chest of the coffer. This light vehicle of 
 wealth is infinitely more portable than the lumbering 
 guineas which were formerly so incommodious, and 
 tore the breeches pockets or portmanteau of the tra- 
 veller . He may now carry the price of an estate in a 
 small pocket-book. 
 
 '* Blest paper-credit ! last and best supply ! 
 
 That lends corruption swifter wings to fly ! 
 
 Gold imp'd by thee, can compass hardest things, 
 
 Can pocket States, can fetch or carry Kings ; 
 
 A single leaf shall waft an army o'er, 
 
 Or ship off" senates to some distant shore j 
 
 A leaf like Sybil's scatter to and fro 
 
 Our fates and fortunes, as the wind shall blow ; 
 
 Pregnant with thousands flits the scray unseen, 
 
 And silent sells a King or buys a Queen." POPE, 
 
( 84 ) 
 
 Nor have the fine arts been neglected. Engravers, 
 have favoured the public eye with portraits of demi- 
 reps, profligate military coxcombs and swindlers, 
 andbiazcned those visages which would become the 
 pillory or the gibbet. The art of portrait painting, 
 too, has attained the pinnacle of elegance and perfec- 
 tion. The animated paintings daily and nightly exhi- 
 bited by our female artists, transcend the productions 
 of the most celebrated ancients ; and there are at this 
 moment in London upwards of one thousand original 
 portraits, which, for delicacy of outline, brilliancy of 
 ieint, and strength of expression, are inestimable. 
 
 We have already mentioned the miraculous restora- 
 tive, or oxygen gas, which is to effect sueh wonders 
 on the animal system. Even the common necessa- 
 ries of life "are philosophized, and among other imple- 
 ments on an improved plan, the public are accomo- 
 dated -with hunting razors, by the aid of which a dex- 
 trous sportsman may shave full gallop, and be in at the 
 death, either of the game or of himself. 
 
 Improvements in the police of this vast capital have 
 been recommended by Colquhoun, a theorist, whose 
 indefatigable mind has collected a mass of information 
 respecting human delinquency, that is sufficient to 
 terrify the most intrepid reader. 
 
 According to Mr. C.'s estimate, London contains 
 one million two hundred and fifty thousand inhabit- 
 ants ; but the return of the true population, as enu- 
 merated on the 10th of March, 1801, when the town 
 was literally full, amounted to only seven hundred 
 
 thousand 
 
( 85 ) 
 
 thousand and two persons, being little more than 
 half the number stated by this writer. 
 
 This picture of human depravity is erroneous and ex- 
 aggerated. According to his calculation, there should 
 be one hundred and fifteen thousand delinquents in 
 London, including fifty thousand prostitutes / This 
 Capital, " by taste and wealth proclaimed the fairest 
 in all the world," would be in a most dreadful state 
 of depravity, indeed, were one-sixth of its inhabitants 
 immoral characters: — one-third of its women w*****! 
 Forbid it honour, virtue, and social happiness ! — 
 A candid investigation of the matter will convince us 
 that the return is erroneous. Mr. C. contemplated 
 our flourishing emporium, our busy people, and par- 
 ticularly our beautiful women, with the misanthropic 
 eye of a Mandeville ! The feeling mind shudders to 
 bring in a charge of delinquency against even ten 
 thousand of our fellow-citizens ; and were the un- 
 fortunate girls of the town estimated at an equal 
 number, still charity hopes that the aggregate would 
 be over-rated, 
 
 The general utility of Mr. C.'s treatise will be 
 readily acknowledged by every thinking man ; but 
 from his account of the immoral part of society, it 
 should seem that vice was exclusively confined to the 
 lower classes. 
 
 Instead of immorality originating among the com- 
 mon people, and rising oniy to a certain height, i -ke 
 the noxious vapour of the Grotto del Cane in Italy, 
 may it not be f&iriy asserted, that the pestilential 
 I contagion 
 
( 86 ) 
 
 contagion of vice flows from the pavilions of the 
 great, as streams from a fountain ? Let any man of 
 observation cast his eyes around, and he will per- 
 ceive that vice 
 
 " Taints downward all the graduated scale 
 Of order from the chariot to the plough" 
 
 If this be true, the inference is, that the effectual 
 cure of the mental diseases of society must com- 
 mence among the opulent, whose example has so 
 powerful an influence on the conduct of others. 
 
 Mr. C. seems cautious of giving offence to persons 
 of distinction. The extreme delicacy with which 
 he touches on their foibles, reminds us of the ele- 
 gant clergyman, who, after expatiating on the irre- 
 ligion of a genteel auditory, concluded by telling 
 them, with all imaginable complaisance, " that if 
 they did not reform, they would run the risk of 
 being doomed to a place which he did not think 
 proper to mention in that polite assembly ! ' ' 
 
 Among a variety of very profound observations, 
 this Philosopher expatiates on the immorality prac- 
 tised in the ale-houses of this metropolis, and the 
 fraud of persons who receive lottery insurances : but 
 he seems disposed to temporize with those momentous 
 subjects. Would not the total relinquishment of tax- 
 ation by State Lotteries, be the only effectual means 
 of preventing all the 'inferior gradations of gambling? 
 and the limitation of public-houses of every descrip- 
 tion to half their present number, prevent drunken* 
 ttess, and its concomitant vices ? Aye ; but these im- 
 provements 
 
( 87 ). 
 
 provements might be prejudicial to the revenue. 
 Society, however, would derive additional benefit 
 from the sobriety which would promote industry ; 
 that source of social comfort ; while the wisdom of 
 the Legislature could easily devise some other mode 
 of taxation, equally productive, without injury to 
 the public morals. 
 
 According to Mr. C.'s plan of a Central 
 Police, the chartered rights of this ancient city 
 would soon become * a tale of the times of old.'' It is 
 to be hoped that the citizens of London will ever 
 support that dignified independence, for which their 
 ancestors have been distinguished ; that firm, that 
 steady resistance to the encroachments of power, by 
 which they have for centuries sustained their re- 
 spectability, and lived as a distinct and well-organized 
 community regulated by their own municipal decrees, 
 yet amenable to the laws of their country. May 
 that day never arrive, when the Temple of British 
 Liberty shall be degraded into a Police Office, and 
 runners and' executioners considered as respectable 
 citizens ! 
 
 At the same time it must be acknowledged, that 
 there have been but too many instances of extreme 
 depravity among our fellow-citizens ; yet, notwith- 
 standing the complaints of Mr. C. respecting the 
 defects in our Police, the most intelligent foreigners 
 readily acknowledge, that for different accommoda- 
 tions, the cleanliness and miHness of its inhabitants, 
 and the elegance of its houses and furniture, London 
 1 2 far 
 
{ 88 ) 
 
 Tar excels every other city in the world. As for the 
 corruption of public manners and morals, it may be 
 safely concluded, that the principal source of that 
 turpitude originates with people of different nations, 
 who are allured hither by the hope of gain. 
 
 " London ingulphs them all ! the shark is there, 
 And the shark's prey ; the spendthrift and the leech 
 That sucks him. ********* 
 
 Oh thou resort and mart of all the earth, 
 ChecquerYi with all complexions of mankind, 
 And spotted with all crimes 5 in whom I see 
 Much that I love, and more that I admire, 
 .And all that I abhor! Thou freckled fair . ■ 
 That pleasest, and yet shockst me ; I can laugh, 
 And I can weep, can hope, and can despond, 
 Feel wrath and pity , when I think en thee ! 
 Ten righteous would have sav'd a city once, 
 And thou hast many righteous. — Well for thee — x 
 That salt preserves thee, more corrupted else, 
 . And therefore more obnoxious, at this hour, 
 Than Sodom in her day had pow'r to be, 
 For whom God heard his Abram plead in vain. 1 * 
 
 Cowper. 
 
 • This deeply shaded mem of London was sketched 
 by the greatest poet of the age, who, with all the af- 
 fection of a patriot, sympathized with the miseries, 
 and mourned the vices and follies of his countrymen. 
 But that melancholy which dipped his pencil in 
 sombre tints, prevented him from perceiving the full 
 
 flow 
 
( 39 ) 
 
 flow of social happiness, and the comfortable enjoy- 
 ment of the most elegant accommodations, and re- 
 fined amusements, which present such a perpetual 
 series of gratification to the aspiring, the gay, and 
 the weathy inhabitants of this capital. It was im- 
 possible for the poet, with all his sagacity and genius, 
 to form a just estimate of those peculiar enjoyments 
 presented by a populous and flourishing emporium, 
 from which he had retired, to the seclusion of rural 
 shades, in consequence of mental depression. That he 
 was not inattentive, however, to the manners of the 
 town while a resident here, is evident from " The 
 Task, ' ' a work which, at the same time that it is an il- 
 lustrious memorial of its author's piety ^and policy, 
 is perhaps the most perfect satire written since the 
 time of Pope. ? 
 
 Retirement was the choice of the poet, and he em- 
 phatically says, "God made the country, and man 
 made the town ; " yet with all deference to his ex- 
 alted worth, it may be fairly concluded, that the 
 " Human face divine ," presents a more interesting 
 variety to the feeling mind, than all the rural scenery 
 of nature. Talents which, in the country, would 
 have continued dormant like gold in the mine, de- 
 \ r eIope and attain perfection in a rich capital, Even 
 Cowper acknowledges this, though not without de- 
 ductions, which might terrify the timid moralist froai 
 making the experiment. 
 
 * * * Though true worth and virtue in the mild 
 And genial, soil of cultivated life 
 
 1 3 Thrive 
 
( 90 ) 
 
 Thrive most, and may perhaps thrive only there j 
 Yet not in cities oft : in proua and gay 
 And gam-devoted cities. Thither flow, 
 As to a common and most noisome sewer 
 The dregs and feculence of ev'ry land. 
 
 In cities vice is hidden with most care, 
 
 Or seen with least reproach. 
 
 I do confess them nurs ties, of the arts, 
 
 In which they flourish most j where, in the beams 
 
 Of warm encouragement, and in the eye 
 
 Of public note, they reach their perfect size.'" 
 
 The following cursory sketch of Modern Manners 
 will perhaps illustrate the position, that our po- 
 pulous Capital is not in such a state of depravity as 
 it has been represented by such writers as contemplate 
 the human mind through a gloomy medium. 
 
 MAN- 
 
( 91 ) 
 
 MANNERS, 
 Catch the manners living as they rise. 
 
 POPE. 
 
 
 JL HE active community which inhabits this ex- 
 tensive and populous Capital, with all its complicated 
 movements, is like a vast machine, kept in a state of 
 regularity by that powerful spring — the love of gain. 
 Wealth, which, in a barbarous state, would endanger 
 the possessor, is here the foundation of his security ; 
 and the deference paid to him in consequence of his 
 opulence, renders his situation at once respectable and 
 enviable. 
 
 While a moderate desire to obtain a comfo rf ab!e 
 livelihood or a decent competency actuates the mer- 
 chant and tradesman, such a motive is highly com- 
 mendable ; but, like every other human pursuit, the 
 wish to accumulate wealth soon becomes predomi- 
 nant, and selfishness subdues every generous emotion 
 of the heart. When the love of gain thus predomi- 
 nates, it severs the ties of kindred, estranges friends, 
 and the individual gradually contracts his ideas to the 
 narrow sphere of self-love, as the snail shrinks into its 
 solitary shell. In whatever amusement or avocation. 
 the commercial man is engaged, he never loses sight of 
 his favourite object ; nay, the love of mone) pervades 
 -every order of the community, from the Prince or 
 
 Duke^ 
 
( 92 ) 
 
 Duke, who squanders thousands at Newmarket and 
 the gaming table, to the vender of matches. Indeed, 
 so general is the influence of gain, that it mingles 
 •with our amusements ; and it is a fact, that during the 
 review of the volunteers in Hyde Park on the King's 
 Birth-Day, a lamplighter attended with his ladder, 
 and accommodated several of the spectators with seats 
 in the trees at sixpence a head. 
 
 Affectation is another prominent trait of modern 
 manners. The urbanity and apparent liberality of 
 sentiment which exists in this polished community, 
 and that suavity of manners and gentility of demea- 
 nour every where prevalent, is too often affected. 
 
 Men profess philanthropy at the very moment that 
 they are endeavouring to over-reach their fellow- 
 creatures. This assumed beneficence, is either the off- 
 spring of design, indolence, or imbecility. While 
 such good-natured beings execrate the man whose can- 
 dour compels him to express his zeal for the truth, 
 and his abhorrence of philosophic infidelity, they 
 are quite uninterested about the matter, and can 
 expatiate on the subject of futurity with the sleepy 
 smile of apathy ! 
 
 A desire to appear opulent or in easy circum- 
 stances, is another branch of affectation. Poverty 
 being considered as the greatest of evils in this com- 
 mercial city, numbers, whose subsistence depends 
 upon credit, launch into expences which must 
 terminate in their ruin, rather than attend to eco- 
 nomy, which would have rendered them comfort- 
 able 
 
f 93 ) 
 
 able through life. How prespoterous is the vain 
 emulation to equal their more opulent neighbours in 
 dress, furniture, and amusements. This passion for 
 notoriety is so great, that even perfumers and milli- 
 ners assume consequential airs, from the accidental 
 circumstance of their residing in a polite neighbour- 
 hood ; and many coxcombs, who would readily carry 
 about an umbrella or any thing connected with the 
 idea of gentility, would go without their breakfast 
 rather than be seen carrying a loaf for their own use 
 from the baker's shop ! 
 
 That innate love of variety so natural to the human 
 mind, is here carried to excess. Hence monsters and 
 reptiles, the most remarkable and hideous, are col- 
 lected from the most distant regions of the globe, and 
 exhibited to the curious in this capital. Here the lion 
 may be viewed with safety ; the vast and sagacious 
 elephant stands gazing at his wondering visitors ; 
 while the horrid crocodile, and deathful rattlesnake 
 appear in all their natural deformity, to gratify the 
 public. 
 
 Next to the love of novelty may be mentioned its 
 concomitant — profusion. Indeed luxurious habits 
 are not confined to the opulent, but descend with 
 different shades of distinction, in a regular gradation, 
 from the perfumed toilette and superb route of the 
 Duchess, to the tidy washerwoman and her gossip- 
 ping companions, seated at the tea-table ; from the 
 peer over his wine, to the porter-drinking mecha- 
 nic. 
 
 Another 
 
< 94 J 
 
 Another distinguishing trait of modern manners, 
 is the mechanical regularity which generally pervades 
 society, with the exception of the dissolute and idle, 
 who may be considered as interlopers in a welt-orga- 
 nized community. Regularity with respect to morals, 
 hours devoted to business and rest, and judicious 
 arrangements, is necessary to the well-being of this 
 busy emporium, though too often productive of a 
 lethargic plodding habit, which almost converts a 
 man into a mere automaton. 
 
 One of the most whimsical and amusing peculiari- 
 ties of this capital, is the quickness with which any 
 recent event is caricatured and exhibited at the win- 
 dows of print-shops. Even a subject of public im- 
 portance is often pourtrayed so as to excite risibility. 
 The Union with Ireland ; the resignation of a Mi- 
 nister, or any curious incident of the world of 
 fashion, is exposed through the magic lanthorn of 
 wit, for the amusement of the public. It must be 
 confessed, however, that the general effect of carica- 
 tures is offensive to decency and injurious to morals. 
 We are informed, that " the turn of the English 
 nation for humorous political prints, first shewed itself 
 in the reign of Mary, who was represented as ex- 
 tremely thin, with many Spaniards hanging to her, 
 and sucking her to the bone." 
 
 Another singular and pleasing medium of news, is 
 the ballads sung in the streets, in celebration of some 
 recent fortunate event ; such as a naval victory, - or 
 the return of peace : nay, even our grievances are 
 
 satyrized 
 
! 93 ) 
 
 satyrized and described in humorous songs, so as to 
 excite mirth. The condemnation of a criminal, fur- 
 nishes employment to the hawker ; and a description 
 of an execution, together with the dying speech of 
 the sufferer, will perhaps afford subsistence to his 
 fellow-creature for a week ; so that, strange as it 
 may appear, both public and private misfortunes be- 
 come merchandize in the hands of the ingenious of 
 this capital. 
 
 Money, with the generality of the people, is every- 
 thing. It must indeed be mortifying to the opulent 
 to observe, that the servility of their dependents, and 
 even the apparent esteem of their friends, arises from 
 the respect paid to riches. The vulgar herd bow- 
 before the wealthy with reverence ; but it is the 
 money, and not the individual, which they respect. 
 Observe the behaviour of a man who expects to 
 receive money from another, and his abrupt depar- 
 ture when the object of his visit is accomplished. 
 Nay, even the merchant and the shop-keeper affect 
 the utmost attention to a stranger whom they expect 
 will purchase goods ; but should he decline buying, 
 the coldness of the dealer is a sufficient proof of his 
 disappointment ; all his studied earnestness to please, 
 and unreal benevolence , vanish in a moment. On 
 the other hand, the most trivial article demanded by 
 a customer, will occasion an instantaneous interrup- 
 tion of the most social converse of a tradesman ; 
 and doubtless nph'dos&phk tallots-cliandier wowld hasten 
 
 flora 
 
( 96 ) 
 
 from the contemplation of the starry heavens to vend 
 a farthing rushlight ! 
 
 By the way, the exorbitant price paid for cloaths, 
 and othei necessaries, originates in the negligence 
 of men of fashion in the payment of their trades- 
 men's bills. The taylor, shoemaker, &c. endea- 
 vour to make up their loss by an extortionate de- 
 mand upon the honest part of the community. Thus 
 the dissipation of unprincipled men renders trades- 
 men unjust, and the public are eventually suf- 
 ferers. 
 
 The love of censure prevails among the young, 
 the frivolous, and the vain. Their remarks assault 
 our ears in the public streets, taverns, coffee-houses, 
 and theatres. " Even churches are no sanctuaries 
 now." Indeed vanity is the characteristic of the 
 majority of young people in London. Effeminacy 
 is a conspicuous foible among our young men ; espe- 
 cially those idle, lisping, and most insigniricant beings, 
 vulgarly yclep'd gentlemen. A part of the human 
 species, who, because they are born to an inhe- 
 ritance, consider themselves as not accountable to 
 their country for a waste of time or talents. Indeed 
 so mischievous is the disposition of .some of our 
 modern men of spirit, that the community would 
 willingly compromise the matter with them, and 
 overlook their foibles, on condition that they would 
 not vitiate the morals of others by their pernicious 
 example. 
 
 On the slightest appearance of rain,, the modern 
 
 petite 
 
( 97 J 
 
 priif? maitre equips himself with boots, a surtoutarrd 
 umbrella, and thus armed cap-a-pied, he sallies forth 
 in defiance of the rain ! From that inconsistency, so 
 characteristic of the man of fashion, however, these 
 delicate mortals render their own precautions unavail- 
 ing, and by nocturnal excesses undermine the founda- 
 tion of their health and serenity. 
 
 Another circumstance which renders the effemi- 
 nacy of coxcombs still more glaring, is the contrast 
 presented by the dress of the ladies, who flutter along 
 the streets like butterflies in the sun, in light airy rai- 
 ment, which is almost transparent. Their superiori- 
 ty is still more striking in the roseate bloom which 
 adorns their cheeks, and the vivacity which sparkles' 
 in their eyes, while their attendant beaux, though 
 wrapped up in warm clothing, have an emaciated 
 and spiritless look, like wretches on the brink of the 
 tomb. 
 
 But though several young Gentlemen affect such 
 valetudinary airs, there is another class of fops, 
 of a different species, of which we shall give a 
 sketch. 
 
 The philosophic coxcomb is a new species of 
 automaton unknown to our ancestors, and unde- 
 icribed by our contemporaries. 
 
 Sir William Wiseacre stands at the head of this 
 numerous and respectable class. He proceeds with 
 geometrical exactness in all his transactions. Finery 
 is no mark of his character ; on the contrary, he 
 wears a plain coat, and, as if in ridicule of the com- 
 K mo» 
 
( 5* y 
 
 rrion fop, he decorates his menials in gorgeon li- 
 veries. 
 
 Sir William walks with a stiff and formal air, 
 partly occasioned by the braces which he very ju- 
 diciously purchased of Martin Van Butchel, and 
 partly from the pride of wealth and rank. 
 
 From the pensiveness of his aspect, it might be 
 imagined that Sir William was a man of feeling — ■ 
 the very reverse is the case ; for as hypocrisy assumes- 
 a look of sanctity, so the philosophic coxcomb's ap- 
 parent melancholy is only a mask to conceal his 
 stupidity. 
 
 Sir William is amorous, but he consults his reason * 
 and renders his pleasures subservient to his health* 
 Sometimes, indeed, he manifests contortions of as- 
 pect, not in unison with happiness, but his feelings 
 are ever selfish, and his apparent pain is occasioned 
 by the nausea .of a debauch, or perhaps by the 
 pressure of a pair of new boots ! Are you in 
 distress ? Sir William hears your complaint with the 
 most Stoical indifference, and he contemplates your 
 happiness with equal apathy. 
 
 This philosopher has a great number of imitators ; 
 perhaps not less than one thousand philosophic coxcombs 
 annually visit London ; and were Sir William to die, 
 they might all with propriety claim a part of his 
 property, as near relatiens to the family of the 
 Wiseacres ! These gentlemen violate the moral duties 
 with impunity. They are shameless, irreligious, and 
 so insignificant, that they seern to consider them- 
 
 selves 
 
( 99 ) 
 
 selves as born for no other purpose but to consume 
 the necessaries of life, and walk about idly witk 
 their white hands covered with soft gloves ! Indeed 
 they are such perfect blanks in creation, that were 
 they transported to some other place, the community 
 would never miss them, except in the diminution 
 of follies and vices. Like poisonous plants, they 
 merely vegetate, diffuse their contagious effluvia 
 around, then sink into corruption, and are for- 
 gotten for ever 1 
 
 With respect to society in general, wear- ne'tliei 
 &o effeminate, or degenerate as some cvnics assert. 
 Our health, notwithstanding tiie daily and insidiotHS 
 attempts made by Quacks to undermine it, is as gco8 
 as that of our ancestors, while we certainly excel 
 them in knowledge and refinement. A comparison 
 of the state of learning thirty years ago with that «f 
 the present day, will corroborate this assertion ; and 
 indeed knowledge has been generally diffused through- 
 out England by the institution of Sunday Schools, 
 and the circulation of the works of our best authors. 
 
 The moral character of the laborious classes in 
 this community is very different from that of the 
 rustic. They retain his vulgarity unaccompanied 
 with his simplicity and integrity. A certain knavish 
 acuteness is perceptible in the physiognomy of several 
 carters, draymen, hackney-coachmen, &c. they are 
 possessed of the " wisdom of the serpent," but we 
 look in vain for the 6 innocence of the. dove.' At the 
 same time it must be acknowledged, that a large 
 K 2 ma- 
 
( leo ) 
 
 jpaajoriry of our labouring poor are very worthy crea- 
 tures, whose industry is essential to the accommoda- 
 tion and social happiness of themselves and others. 
 
 Luxurious food, dress, and amusements, occupy 
 almost the whole attention of thousands in this 
 wealthy city. Indeed so much of the time and 
 "thoughts of the fashionable and opulent is -spent ia 
 «ating, drinking, and visiting, that we might suppose 
 they thought themselves created for no other end than 
 to riot in excess, a-nd wander through the flowery 
 Hwzes of pleasure. 
 
 The fashionable ; or, ss Addison termed it, the. ulk^ 
 worlds is in a great measure distinct from the busy 
 citiz-ers, though frequent intermarriages have pro- 
 winced an amalgamation of the pure ore -of nobility 
 ■with the alloy of the merchant. Still, however, the 
 -polite inhabitants of Westminster, and the parish of 
 St. Mavy-le-bone, are a distinct class of the com- 
 munity, though their vices and follies are daily 
 raaldng a progress in the city. The bustle of -com- 
 merce is rather unfavourable to the spread of 
 dissipation ; it is only at the gaming-table, the 
 rout, or the masqued ball, that folly appears in 
 ail her glory. 
 
 Indeed, the West End of the Town, as it is called., 
 is perfectly quiet till about noon, when the pageantry 
 of equipage, the incessant, rattling of carriages, and 
 the ridiculous formality of visiting, renders the streets 
 v a constant -scene of splendid confusion. This is cer- 
 'tainly a most auspicious age for -such, menial servants a-s 
 
( ioi ) 
 
 love indulgence ; for the master very good-na- 
 turedly drives his gig or curricle, while the servant 
 sits at his ease beside him in a pleasing vacuity of 
 thought. 
 
 We can boast of a greater number of voile coach- 
 men than any other nation in the world ; and many 
 of our skilful nobility and gentry can rival any 
 of the sons of Phaeton in managing the reins and 
 smacking the whip. 
 
 Some of those spirited individuals, indeed, are not 
 complete proficients in the noble art of driving, and 
 are therefore liable to accidents, which, as might be 
 expected, only tend to rouse the fortitude and en- 
 -terprize of those heroes. A fall upon the pavement 
 may be equally efficacious with an electrical shock 
 in exciting the energy of the animal spirits; and a 
 contusion, provided no bones are broken, may propel 
 the blood with redoubled force into another direction, 
 and be the means of curing palsy or gout ; nay, 
 ••should the adventurous operator dislocate his neck, 
 it will be a most effectual cure for the heart-ache. 
 
 Not long since Sir Harry Hairbram, Bart, drove 
 his sociable four in hand through **** street ; his 
 servant sat at his left hand with his arms folded, en- 
 joying his afternoon's nap, while Lady Hairbraiu 
 appeared in the vehicle with a majestic air or supe- 
 riority. Que of the han -•-- maids of roniona, com- 
 saonly called a retailer of fruit, suddenly crossed the 
 -.street with her wheel-barrow ; the noises took 
 fright at her discordant screams, and set off full 
 -K 3 speed 
 
( 162 5 
 
 .speed over the poor woman, run against a weaver** 
 ger's cart,. and pitched the beautiful Lady Hairbrain 
 .headlong into the accumulated filth of several streets ; 
 while Sir Harry fell on the pavement, and broke both 
 a leer and an arm, and his unfortunate servant was 
 -awaked out of a most agreeable dream by a fall into 
 the street. It is -to be hoped that such a deplorable 
 accident, which had nearly been the death of a whole 
 family, will make gentlemen who delight in the 
 sublime science of coachmanship, somewhat more cir- 
 cumspect in the display of talents which may cost 
 -them their lives. A few days practice on Wimble- 
 don common would be an excellent preparative, as 
 -a fall on the turf would be unattended with any 
 danger, except that of a dislocation, or the rupture 
 ©fa blood vessel ; while, on the other hand, the loss 
 of the equilibrium in the. streets of London, might be 
 ^attended with concomitant dangers ; such as being 
 dashed to pieces on the pavement, or rode over 
 while down by some drunken .hackney-coachman, or 
 desperate equestrian hero I 
 
 With respect to the modish part -of the pedestrians 
 &i both sexes, they appear as much under the in- 
 fluence of frivolity as ever. Their ablutions at 
 Brighton and Margate during the summer, has pre- 
 pared them for the resumption of their hyemal pur- 
 suits ; such as theatricals, masquerades, gaming, 
 :and intrigue. 
 
 The Beaux a?e not altogether so effeminate as they 
 atppeared last winter „ The trowsers are not so com- 
 plete 
 
( 105 } 
 
 plete an imitation-of trre loose drapery of the petticoat 
 as formerly; nor are their collars stuffed so full as 
 to make them appear hunch-hacked. They have not, 
 however, divested themselves of that ridiculous se- 
 verity of look, which they assume in order to appear 
 men of spirit and consequence ; nor that conceited air, 
 which seems to say, " I'jsi a very elegant young- 
 fdlow, an't I?" 
 
 But the Ladies, notwithstanding the return of 
 Peace, seem determined to continue hostilities against 
 the other sex, and have actually commenced thek 
 winter campaign, in a manner which does honour to> 
 their spirit, though it leads us to question their 
 prudence. For instance, they wage war like the 
 ancient Gauls, exposing themselves almost naked to 
 the rigour of a wintry atmosphere. They also paint, 
 probably in imitation of the savage nations, who 
 stain their bodies with different colours, in order to 
 terrify the enemy. This mode of defence has a very 
 different effect among us ; for it is observable, that 
 the heroines .thus equipped, in consequence of 
 wearing their thin coat of mail, or rather coat of paint / 
 are assailed with greater ardour by their opponents. 
 
 Female habiliments have long been remarkable for 
 the delicacy of the texture ; but we do not find that 
 economy is consulted with respect to the price, for 
 the robe, or even the veil of a fashionable lady is 
 more costly than a whole suit of the plain kind. It 
 must be that universal passion to excite admiration, 
 that causes our lovely women to risk their health 
 
 and 
 
x ( to* ) 
 
 •and reputation, by appearing in the public streets 
 and theatres in a garb similar to that worn by demi- 
 reps or actresses. The childish exposure of their 
 elbows , however, is truly ridiculous ; and for the 
 better preservation of the health of those who are the 
 mothers and nurses of the rising generation, it might 
 be expedient for the Legislature to levy a tax upon 
 -every woman who appeared in public with naked 
 arms or elbows. Hence those fair ones who pre- 
 •ferred admiration do gold, might exhibit according 
 to the statute. 
 
 Pope Innocent XL published an edict, " command- 
 ing women to cover their shoulders, their necks, and 
 -their arms to the wrist." Such a law in England 
 would certainly be conducive to the health of our 
 lovely women ; but the dear creatures are so gene- 
 rous, that they would rather suffer from the frequent 
 changes of the weather, than selfishly conceal their 
 beauties ! Many -of them, it is true, will doubtless 
 experience achs and pains in their old age, as a re- 
 -ward for this liberality, and a just retribution for 
 the frequent heart-achs with which they now tor- 
 ment their admirers. 
 
 As to painting, several of our limned Ladies have, 
 'by the repeated application of beautifiers, so effec- 
 tually closed the pores of the face and bosom, as to 
 .prevent perspiration ; and they have gradually at- 
 tained a sallow hue similar to figures in composition. 
 Their nudity, at the public theatres, is a demon- 
 stration of their almost hopeless state j while the phi- 
 losophic 
 
( iw ) 
 
 losophic coxcombs who surround them, seem t© 
 consider them merely as elegant paintings — nay ? as a 
 part of the entertainment ! 
 
 Even the affectation of humanity is carried to a 
 most disgusting excess, To behold women of sensi- 
 bility and elegant manners lavishing their affections on 
 lap-dogs, monkeys, cats, parrots, and singing birds-, 
 is odious to the reflecting mind, since it is turning 
 the social passions out of their natural course, and, 
 bestowing that kindness on brutes, which the Crea- 
 tor gave to be emploved in promoting social happi- 
 -rress. Indeed, when we behold a lady clasping a lap- 
 -dog to her breast, we are almost ready to imagine that 
 "her disposition is brutal, and congenial wuh that of 
 rthe canine favourite. 
 
 The dignity of man is sometimes degraded by that 
 subordination which is necessary in every well-regu- 
 lated community ; but the most reprehensible species 
 of menial servility, is that of a footman being obliged 
 to follow his lady, with 'her lap-dog or umbrella in 
 his hand-: : it is a still more objectionable degradation 
 of the manly mind, when an aged footman attends 
 three or four sprightly young ladies, as if he were 
 appointed a spy on their actions : but the most odious 
 servility is that of an honest warm-hearted young 
 fellow, waiting like her shadow upon the capricious 
 ramble of some kept mistress, whose masculine strut, 
 supercilious bow, and pouting lip, indicate the pride 
 j£>f her heart. 
 
 •But let us return to common life. Modern re- 
 
 Lfinemenl 
 
( 106 •) 
 
 finement has spread rapidly throughout this vast 
 community, insomuch that gentility is affected by 
 every class of our fellow-citizens. A most curious 
 variety of dialects distinguish the different classes al- 
 most as effectually, as if they were clothed in a pe- 
 culiar habit, like the East India casts. Nevertheless, 
 by occasional visits to the theatres, even the most 
 vulgar have caught a few fashionable phrases, which- 
 they intermingle with their own phraseology, thus 
 forming a most curious jargon. The word -woman is 
 -obsolete, and would be considered as a -term of re- 
 proach even by an oyster-wench ! Every individual 
 Xjl the fair sex is either & female or a lady. Instead of 
 that broad sonorous word w****, wc use the mo:t 
 elegant term prostitute ; indeed the bold old English 
 -epithet is too harsh ibr the delicate auricukr ;:^r-. <.-s 
 of our females or ladies, many of whom would feel 
 as much alarm on hearing it as a valetudinariaa 
 would at the mention of death. 
 
 Several other words have been disused by the 
 puppyism of modern refinement. There is no such 
 thing as sweat ncw-a-davs ; even the coal-porter and 
 the butcher's swabperspire, elegant creatures ! \ et the 
 exudation from the pores was called meat by Mil- 
 ton, a man of the most exalted taste and compre- 
 hensive genius ; a man whose works will be read 
 with admiration, when our lisping automata, with 
 their perspiration, their ennui, and their apropos shall 
 be forgotten. 
 
 Let us turn our attention to tli£ streets thronged 
 
 with 
 
{ 10/ y 
 
 with a motley multitude. Some bowline alone in 
 superb chariots, with a splendid retinue ; others dash- 
 ing through thick and thin on horseback ; while the 
 majority bustle along on foot in different directions^ 
 How soon would the selfish passions of the human 
 heart render this assemblage a scene of uproar and 
 outrage, were they not restrained by equitable laws ! 
 But whither are they* all hurrying ? Every one is m 
 pursuit of " Happiness, our being's end- and aimj*^ 
 Let us enquire whether they are in the straight 
 path to the consummation of their wishes. 
 
 First, ye youthful train, to whom life presents 
 such numerous gratifications — pause one moment, 
 lay your hand upon your palpitating bosom, and 
 answer me ! Do you find the fleeting pleasures, the 
 frivolous amusements of the day, capable of con- 
 ferring true happiness ? Are the feverish joys of the 
 dance, the banquet, or even the soft blandishments 
 of wanton love, conducive to your felicity ? Ah, no ! 
 that blush of shame is an evidence against such 
 indulgences. The frail fair one, now devoted to 
 voluptuousness, often feels the throb of hopelsss sor- 
 row in a breast no longer the abode of innocence. 
 Her beauty, like a flower, has faded, and lost the 
 rich perfume of honour which could alone render it 
 estimable. She mistook the pavilion of pleasure for 
 the temple of happiness, and her misery is ir- 
 remediable. 
 
 But though such has been the misfortune of the 
 fair victim of folly, perhaps the manly mind has 
 
 beeri 
 
 
f iob } 
 
 been able to reach the summit of content. Answer 
 me then with candour, thou youthful favourite of 
 fortune and honour, art thou happy ? Why that 
 o-lare of desperation, that frantic gesture ? Noctural 
 orgies have impaired thy health ! the gambler has 
 plundered thy. coffers ! thou has seduced the virgin, 
 and afterwards flung her into the arms of infamy ! 
 thy mind is stung by remorse, and maddened by de- 
 spair r Such is the felicity of the voluptuary — such 
 the reward of pleasure to her votaries ! 
 
 Let me next examine whether the aged are under 
 the influence of wisdom. Methinks I see vanity var- 
 nishing the shrivelled brow, and hollow cheek of 
 antiquated beauty, while slander incites her to blast 
 the reputation of others. I see a passion for frivolous 
 amusements agitate her breast, and the idiot smirk 
 of levity dilate lips that tremble with infirmity. 
 What a miserable picture of female depravation — let 
 me hope for a more grateful view of human nature 
 in the old man, who now approaches. What do 
 1 behold ? Instead of the serene eye illumined With 
 the hop# of immortality, I perceive the sordid "and 
 suspicious glance of avarice, the keen penetration of 
 cunning, and the reservedness of self-love ! 
 
 THE TEMPLE, 
 
( m ) 
 
 THE TEMPLE OF MODERN PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 A VISION. 
 
 XVUMINATING the other evening upon the 
 numerous discoveries which the ingenious are daily 
 making in Philofophy, I was led by a train of thought 
 to an anticipation of the future fame of our Sages and 
 Literati. While I continued absorbed in these reflec- 
 tions I fell afleep, and a wonderful Vision presented 
 itself to my imagination, 
 
 Methought I found myself travelling on a wide 
 road, accompanied by several persons of both sexes, 
 whose looks betrayed ardour and impatience. As 
 they proceeded, I found by their conversation that 
 they were going to the Temple of Modern Phi- 
 losophy, to receive from the Goddess the reward of 
 their services. I felt an inclination to turn back, 
 from a consciousness that I had done nothing to merit 
 her favuor; hut my companions excited my curiosity, 
 by delcribing the magnificence of the Temple and 
 the benignity of the Goddess, insomuch that I re- 
 ceived to proceed, 
 
 L We 
 
( no ) 
 
 We foon arrived at the entrance of the Temple, 
 which was grand beyond description. Triumphal 
 arches, adorned with festoons, and dedicated to the 
 honour of Voltaire, Bolingbroke, Shaftes- 
 bury, Rousseau, Hume, and Gibbon, led to the 
 portico, which was supported by the molt magnifi- 
 cent columns of white marble ; they were in the ele- 
 gant Corinthian order ; but, what appeared to me 
 very singular, they were inverted ! The portico was 
 open, emblematic of the philanthropy of the new Phi- 
 lofophy, who unfolds her mysteries to the contem- 
 plative mind. 
 
 My companions, who had disputed during our 
 journey with all the eagerness of competition, were 
 now silent. A sacred awe seemed to pervade the 
 assembly, as we flowly advanced into the body of the 
 Temple. A vast azure curtain of silk bespangled 
 with diamonds, reflecting the rays of several lustres 
 which illumined the lofty dome, was fuddenly raifed, 
 and we beheld Philosophy seated on a throne of gold, 
 adorned with gems, " in all the hues reflected light can 
 give." She was a majestic figure; her countenance 
 exhibited the delicate bloom of youth, dignified with 
 the intelligence of riper years, and enlivened by a 
 seductive smile that fascinated the beholder. Her 
 robe was purple ; she wore a crown of gold, inscrib- 
 ed with the words necessity, reason, virtue, in 
 the three primitive colours of nature. On the right 
 
 hand, 
 
( Mi ) 
 
 hand sat Pride, adorned with jewels, and inflated 
 with the idea of self-importance ; on her left Vanity 
 appeared in a garment of many colours, continually 
 varying her posture, and viewing herself with smiles 
 in a mirror. 
 
 Before the throne stood Sophistry, whose robe 
 changed its hue every moment; an insidious smile 
 played over her features, and she held in her right 
 hand a cup filled with intoxicating nectar. Fashion 
 stood behind Sophistry, with her eyes turned alter- 
 nately on the Goddess and her votaries. 
 
 The wall of the temple, behind the throne, was 
 composed of one entire prismatic substance, through 
 which the most enchanting perspective view de- 
 lighted the eye. Shady groves, sunny glades, trees 
 bending with fruitage, flowers of variegated bloom, 
 clear fountains, sprightly cascades, embellished with 
 sunshine from an unclouded sky, presented a most 
 inviting paradise. 
 
 We gazed with mute admiration: the Goddess 
 waved her silver sceptre, and instantly the Temple 
 .was filled with harmony. The music was quite in 
 the modern taste, of that lively kind which excludes 
 the strong passions, and excites to mirth by a gentle 
 titillation. Philosophy again waved her sceptre, th<s 
 music ceased, and while our bosoms were thrilling 
 with pleasurable sensations she thus addressed us: — 
 
 ' ; My beloved Votaries ! welcome, thrice welcome, 
 L 2 to 
 
( U2 ) 
 
 to all the delights of wisdom ! You shall all partici- 
 pate the bounty of Philosophy ; but the metaphy- 
 sician, as most profoundly versed in my arcana, is en- 
 titled to the most distinguished honours. Sophistry ! 
 lead the venerable Kant to my throne; I long to re- 
 ward a veteran who has so often contended against my 
 enemies." 
 
 The Sage was led forward by Sophistry, who pre- 
 sented her cordial to his lips. Having taken an exhi- 
 lirating draught, he thus addressed Philosophy : — 
 " Great Goddess, who hast been adored in every 
 ^age under different names, behold an aged man, who, 
 for a series of years, has studied thy mysteries. Like 
 thy adorers among the ancients, I have described thee 
 as the child of nature; and by inculcating the doc- 
 trine of necessity, I have demonstrated that it is to 
 thee alone we are to look for the developement of the 
 human faculties : that under thy influence the morals 
 of society are in a state of progressive improvement 
 towards that perfectibility which is attainable by rea- 
 son. The simplicity of this system excludes future 
 retribution, and I have imperceptibly induced num- 
 bers of proselytes to consider thee as the first and only 
 fair. Convinced of the propensity of the human 
 mind to superstition, and aware of the charms of no- 
 velty, I denominated thy doctrine the Critical Philo- 
 sophy, as one that investigated the imperfections of all 
 other institutions. Finally^ O Goddess! I have ar- 
 gued, 
 
( "3 ) 
 
 gued, that with thy aid the generations of mankind 
 will attain perfection. Thy handmaid, Sophistry, 
 has often visited and inspired me with sublime and 
 profound ideas ; and, with the aid of the witty who 
 have become proselytes to thy system, I hope to es- 
 tablish thy domonion over mankind. Myriads of 
 ILluminati) of both s&xqs, irradiate the Continent, and 
 the people of Britain seem well inclined to the adap- 
 tion of thy precepts. It must be the study c*f thy 
 disciples to effect a revolution in morals ; and, by in- 
 dulging the human passions and appetites, persuade 
 the nations that pleasure is the reward of thy votaries." 
 
 When the Philosopher ceased, the Goddess smiled 
 with ineffable affection, and, extending her right 
 hand, the Sage kissed it with the utmost devotion. 
 Sophistry then led him to a seat on the right side of 
 the throne, when he immediately sunk into slumber. 
 
 The next person singled from the crowd was the 
 redoubtable Dramatist Kotzebue. There was a wild 
 and impetuous ardour in his eye, the effect of an effer- 
 vescent genius. He came forward with, a confident 
 look, like a man of the world who considered effron- 
 tery as- a proof of his good breeding. Sophistry offer- 
 ed him her newly-replenished cup, but he declined 
 it, and with an arch smile whispered, i No. my dear 
 friend, I have so long been accustomed to quaff your 
 nectar, that it has become insipid to me ; but I have 
 L. 3 persuaded 
 
 
( ti4 ) 
 
 persuaded thousands to drink so deeply of it as to pro- 
 duce complete intoxication. " 
 
 He then looked up to philosophy with a vivacious 
 air, and thus expressed his pretensions to her favour: 
 — " All beauteous, Idol, behold thy warmest advocate, 
 who comes to. lay the wreath of genius at thy feet. 
 'Tis to thy irresistible influence, O Philosophy I that 
 I owe the success of my endeavours to immoralize 
 Europe ! I have disseminated thy doctrine among the 
 higher classes of mankind, many of whom have adored 
 thee as their tutelary Divinity ; by my ridicule of re- 
 ligion and the artful exhibition of sensuality, under 
 the guise of nobleness of mind, I have at once effected 
 the depravation of taste and morals. In Germany, 
 France, and England, my Dramas have, in co-opera- 
 tion with Deism and Atheism, turned the current of 
 popular opinion in thy favor. In France I found 
 'but little difficulty to establish my sentiments, as that 
 nation has ever preferred pompous processions and ex- 
 travagant ideas to simplicity and good sense ; but in 
 England I met, and still continue to meet, with seve- 
 ral obstacles, among a ppnpl** who have hitherto been 
 accustomed to consider the passions as the auxiliaries 
 of Virtue. The genius of my translators, however, 
 has partly triumphed over the obstinate taste of their 
 countrymen, and prejudice is vanishing before thy 
 effulgence." 
 
 The Goddess replied, " My dear Kotzebux, thou 
 
 hast 
 
C 1*5 } 
 
 hast been an active and indefatigable servant — receive 
 thy reward." She then touched him with her scep- 
 tre, and his rairLfnt was suddenly changed to a purple 
 robe, bestudded with brilliants. Fashion then led 
 Jiim to a seat beside that of his countryman. 
 
 Several other candidates for reward now came for- 
 ward, among whom I recognized Paine, and a cele- 
 brated modern Lyrist. The Goddess gave them all a 
 most gracious reception, but she conferred particular 
 "honours on the facetious Bard. " Welcome," said 
 she, " my witty, my incomparable son ; to thy genius 
 am I indebted for the progress of my power in Britain, 
 Thy more than Orphean Lyre has transformed many 
 who were formerly discreet into satyrs of dissipation, 
 fashion, crown thy favourite Poet with his well- 
 earned laurel, and let the wreath be sufficiently thick 
 to defend his venerable head from the cane of an in- 
 solent adversary. Place him beside his illustrious 
 compeer Kotzebue." 
 
 A whimsical-looking individual, apparently intoxi- 
 cated, now approached the throne. I discovered that 
 he was a Senator, who had written a Romance which 
 was prejudicial to the cause of virtue. The Goddess 
 beckoned to Sophistry, who conducted him to a seat 
 'beside the Poet. 
 
 A party of females now entered the Temple.— 
 Their dress was in the extreme of the mode; each wore 
 a wig, and seemed to take a pride in the exposure of 
 
 the 
 
( -i.6 ) 
 
 the neck and bosom. One of the train bore a stand- 
 ard, with this inscription, equality of the 
 sexes. The air of self-sufficiency the broad and 
 scrutinizing stare, the authoratative brow and mascu- 
 line stride of these ladies, excited my surprise ; and 
 although I did not see any offensive weapons, I fan- 
 cied for a moment that they were a detachment of 
 Amazons. 
 
 The Standard- Nearer thus addressed the Goddess: 
 — "We are come, O celestial Philosophy, to wor- 
 ship in thy Temple! to prefer our vows, and suppli- 
 cate thy inspiration. We have formed a new class 
 of intelligent beings, and are known by the denomi- 
 nation of Female Philosophers. Our enemies 
 have stigmatized us with the name of Voluptuaries, 
 because we inculcate the unrestrained indulgence of 
 the passions, and invite mankind to enjoy the plea- 
 sures of life; but the feeble opposition of our calum- 
 niators must shrink into non-existence before the en- 
 chanting delights which thou hast prepared for thy 
 votaries* To prove our claim to thy protection, we 
 have disseminated thy principles by every means 
 which wit could suggest or genius promote. We 
 have written Poems, Romances,, and Novels, for this 
 purpose, and translated every work that we conceiv* 
 cd would tend to inflame the heart and corrupt the 
 morals of others, and we have been successful beyond 
 our most sanguine hopes. It remains for thee, O be- 
 loved Philosophy, to reward us according to our res- 
 pective 
 
( "7 ) 
 
 pective merits; and when each claimant has detailed 
 her labours in thy service, there is little doubt but 
 thou wilt at least place us upon an equality with 
 the other sex, and realize our long-wished for love of 
 power." 
 
 When this fair orator had concluded her speech, 
 another female advanced with a most graceful and. 
 theatric air, but she was prevented from the exertion 
 of her eloquence by the Goddess, who expressed her 
 approbation of the party with smiles of triumph. 
 w Glorious aera !" she exclaimed ; " when Woman 
 has assumed her natural equality, and demonstrated 
 that i; the love of pleasure and the love of sway" predomi- 
 nates in every exalted female mind. Yes, my beauti- 
 ful votaries, you shall be placed upon an equality 
 with your admirers, who sit at my right hand. There 
 -is no necessity for each of you to mention her claims, 
 ■ for, though I have long been convinced of the elo- 
 quence of the sex, and doubt not that your orations 
 on this occasion would fill a folio volume, I would 
 recommend it to you to reserve your rhetoric to pur- 
 suade your husbands, lovers, and mankind at large, 
 of my superior title to their devotion." 
 
 Although the Ladies seemed disappointed at not 
 being permitted to speak successively, yet when So- 
 phistry conducted them to a seat equally elevated 
 with that of the Male Philosophers, and when they 
 surveyed the superb canopy above their heads, I 
 xould observe their eyes sparkle with pleasure. 
 
 These 
 
( "8 ) 
 
 These distinguished Female Philosophers being 
 seated, Sophistry addressed the motley throng which 
 filled the area before the throne, and whom I dis- 
 covered, by their discourse to be Pamphleteers, who 
 had written in favour of the Goddess. 
 • "Beloved Auxiliaries!" cried Sophisty, "none 
 of you shall go unwarded. Philosophy is ever be- 
 neficent to her adorers. You shall . Here 
 
 she was interrupted by a confused noise from with- 
 out, and a female, called Terror, rushed into the Tem- 
 ple, vociferating, with frantic gestures, " The enemy 
 is coming!" These dreadful sounds produced dis- 
 may throughout the Assembly. Even the Goddess 
 -trembled on her throne, and all her worshippers seem- 
 ed thunderstruck. A vivid splendor now illumined 
 the portico, and the next moment Religion entered. 
 .Her stature was tall, her countenance majestic and 
 serene ; a diadem of the three hues of the rainbow 
 surrounded her head, and her robe was light azure of 
 the most delicate tint of the celestial regions, whence 
 she had descended. On her right appeared her faith- 
 ful attendant Truth, who held a burning glass in her 
 left hand, and a fiery sword in her right. The other 
 attendant of Religion was Morality, who appeared on 
 her left, clothed in white, and holding in her left 
 hand a Bible, into which she looked with reveren- 
 tial love. 
 
 Religion now approached the throne of her ene- 
 my, and, with a voice at once nielodious and impres- 
 sive 
 
( "9 ) 
 
 sive> thus addressed the Assembly: — "Unhappy 
 beings, your enmity against me has effected your own 
 destruction. By embracing the delusive pleasures of 
 Sensuality, whom you misnamed Philosophy, your 
 minds are incapacitated for the enjoyment of my sim- 
 ple but permanent delights; it only remains, in obe- 
 dience to the dictates of immutable justice, that you 
 should be punished for your impious writings, which 
 have misled such numbers of your fellow-creatures. 
 Advance, O Truth ! my faithful attendant, and with 
 thy resistless sword destroy these soul-slayers, and let 
 ^their influence cease from this moment." 
 
 Truth instantly touched the throne of the new 
 philosophy with her fiery sword, and a wonderful 
 metamorphosis took place throughout the Temple. 
 Philosophy fell from her throne, and was changed 
 into a viper ; the metaphysician was transformed into 
 a mole ; the dramatist into a goat ; and the other sages 
 into monkeys of different kinds. The female philo- 
 sophers were changed into parrots, and the pamphle- 
 teers who surrounded me shrunk into the form of 
 toads. 
 
 My heart fainted with horror as I gazed on these 
 prodigies, and I every moment expected some dread- 
 ful change would befal myself for my temerity in 
 visiting this odious place. While I stood speechless 
 and trembling, Truth touched the floor with her 
 sword, and a sudden concussion overturned the Tem- 
 ple from its foundation. The throne vanished in a 
 
 thin 
 
( 120 ) 
 
 tliin vapour; the vitreous wall disappeared, and be- 
 yond, where it had expanded its deceptive medium, 
 instead of a rich landscape, I beheld a blasted heath 
 overgrown with thorns and thistles. 
 
 At this scene of desolation my fears increased ? I 
 turned towards Religion ; and was going to prostrate 
 myself before her, when Morality prevented me, and 
 putting the Bible into my hand, whispered, u You are 
 now safe, that book will direct you to the Temple of 
 Religion, which is on the road to Salvation." My 
 spirits were revived, and a new hope animated my 
 heart as I clasped the treasure of Divine Knowledge in 
 my hands. Religion turned upon me her majestic 
 eyes, beaming with philanthropy. <: Fear not, O 
 Man!" said she, " I will ever be thy guardian while 
 thou pursuest the path pointed out by Revelation. 
 Go 9 feeble mortal ! reform thy manners ; correct thy 
 passions by the vigilance and authority of Reason ; 
 remember that Christianity is the true Plulosophy ; and 
 jthat happiness consists in piety to the Creator, and 
 universal benevolence. " 
 
 While Religion was speaking I felt unusual 
 transport animate my heart, insomuch that I aw r oke 
 and beheld the Sun just rising. The vision of the 
 night enlightened and purified my.*oul, and incited 
 me to that activity in the performance of the social 
 virtues which alone can render the life of man valu- 
 able to himself and beneficial to his fellow-creatures. 
 
 POLITICAL 
 
POLITICAL QUACKERY, 
 
 Ifee public Zeal the alligator hides 
 Her selfish eggs, and for their birth provides ; 
 -. Of incubation in no need they stand, 
 But hatch in Popularity's hot sand; 
 To prey with open mouths away they scour, 
 Yet seem to mourn the country they devour. 
 
 Anonymous* 
 Man made for Kings 2 those optics are but dim 
 
 That tell you so say rather they for him. 
 
 #-* * * * * * # 
 Oh ! bright occasions of dispensing good, 
 How seldom used, how little understood! 
 To nurse with tender care the thriving arts, 
 Watch ev'ry beam philosophy imparts ; 
 To give religion her unbridled scope, 
 Nor judge by statute a believer's hope ; 
 To touch the sword with conscientious awe, 
 Nor draw it but when duty bids him draw ; 
 To sheath it in the peace-restoring close, 
 With joy beyond what victory bestows : 
 Blest country, where these kingly glories shine ! 
 Blest England, if this happiness be thine ! 
 
 Since Peace has revisited Europe, where every g : -i 
 
 man wishes she may preside till time shall be no r ; 3 
 
 we may venture to investigate the motives which ioduced 
 
 G MiC 
 
( 122 ) 
 
 1\Ir. P * *. * and his '■virtuous Coadjutors to involve this 
 country in a tedious and sanguinary contest with France, 
 At first sight it might appear to be a species of political 
 legerdemain, in which the dexterity of the operators ex- 
 celled that of Katterfelto and the little devil himself; but 
 a calm examination will evince the expedience and wis- 
 dom of lavishing our best blood and treasure to establish 
 ■'•the F***#* r******* * * . * * * 
 
 ********** 
 
 May it not be fairly concluded that the late ministry 
 involved their country m war that they might retain 
 their places ? This at once clears up the mystery : the 
 -motives were to them just and necessary. Besides, several 
 symptoms in the Body politic indicated inflammation, 
 for which the principal State %niack very judiciously 
 prescribed .phlebotomy. Another alarming circumstance 
 was that superfluity of wealth, which, by the intro- 
 -duction of luxurious habits, threatened to corrupt the 
 morals of the people. He therefore, like a true and dis- 
 interested patriot, collected the redundant cash and ex- 
 ported it to "Germany, whence part of it has long since 
 .communicated the contagion of wealth to France. At 
 .the same time he recommended certain bits of paper, as 
 a lighter circulating medium of political sanity, similar to 
 ithe supposed beneficial effect of the transfusion of blood. 
 
 The taxes on hair-powder, armorial bearings, and 
 income, were also introduced by the minister for the 
 benevolent purpose of repressing pride and enforcing 
 economy. To persons who were deeply infected with, 
 the political mania, he prescribed the cold-bath and soli- 
 tary 
 
( **s \ 
 
 tary recesses, where there was " room for meditation 
 ev'n to madness *." 
 
 Economics, or the strictest frugality in the use of 
 necessaries, was recommended by this magnanimous man; 
 w and, strange to tell ! he practised what he preach'd." 
 His abstemiousness was most remarkable in the use of 
 wine, for it is well known that he seldom got drunk 
 above once a-day. What an illustrious instance of self- : 
 denial in a man who carried the keys of the iron chest of 
 the State! * * * * # # *....# 
 
 Indeed abstinence was very reluctantly adopted by 
 honest John Bull, who, from time immemorial, had been 
 celebrated for his roast-beef and plum-pudding. He did 
 not relish the flavour of Count Rumford's black broth, and 
 he considered digested bon&s as a meagre substitute for 
 his former nutritive aliment. Nay, even the assevera- 
 tions of that sublime naturalist, Dr. Darwin, could not 
 persuade John to become so far a lever of plants, as to 
 believe that the branches of trees would make as good 
 
 * The generous sympathy and humane exertions of a spirited 
 commoner, in the investigation of the sufferings of State Prisoners 
 confined in the cells of the House of Correction in Cold-bath Fields, 
 merits the grateful acknowledgments of his countrymen. While 
 some men, prompted by ambition, scruple not to violate the rights 
 of free-men, it is gratifying to contemplate the struggles of the true 
 patriot against oppression, and his unremitted and successful endea- 
 vours to mitigate the miseries of ti.e disconsolate prisoner. Such • 
 ha^e been the exertions of Sir Francis Burdett, v/ho is enti- 
 tled to a more glorious appellation than human pride can confer. I 
 —He i? the Prisoner's Friend. 
 
 G % tee ad 
 
( i24 ') 
 
 ijbread as wheat; and he considered the produce or hi*-' 
 own corn-fields as preferable to the insipid rice of India. 
 
 When our wonderful State %wuk, with the rest of his 
 tinder-graduates, found that they could no longer impose 
 upon the credulity of the- people, they relinquished their 
 project of destroying our political Constitution, which 
 their nostrums had reduced to the last stage of a gallop- 
 ing consumption. So miraculous, however, were the 
 prescriptions of that celestial physician, Peace, that the 
 State is already a most hopeful convalefcent, endued with 
 a renovation of [wit al energy that will ensure the complete 
 restoration of health and happiness. 
 
 Among other empirical remedies, caustics were recom- 
 mended by certain philosophers, to consume the proud- 
 flesh of the State ; but their rash application would have 
 rendered the cure as bad as the disease. Thtir intem- 
 perate conduct and avordy enthusiasm was productive of 
 great injury to the Constitution, by giving the State 
 Quacks in office a pretext for the adoption of a severe 
 regimen, which almost destroyed the patient. 
 
 Powerful correctives, like those administered by our 
 iate State Doctor and his College of Political Physicians, 
 Ohad reduced John Bull so low, that he was obliged 
 -to lean on his oak as his only support, and the staff of his 
 old age. 
 
 Some State Physicians proposed alteratives, for the 
 Invigoration of the Constitution; but, notwithstanding the 
 eloquence oi thtir president, John has hitherto been very 
 cautious of adopting their prescriptions. Indeed the 
 poor fellow has been so pestered with -the importunity of • 
 
 his 
 
( 1*5 ) 
 
 Sfl goad friends on both sides, that he lately fell into a vio* 
 lent passion, and swore he believed they were all %uack 
 Dec tors, and that he would no longer trust his life in 
 their hands. John avers that " his British Constitution 
 
 is a very good one, if left to itself ; but d n these 
 
 modern physicians/' cries he in a heat, " with their 
 bleeding, and their purging, their alterative pills and 
 potions, they have almost been the death of me ! I wim 
 these Quacks would let me alone, and I'll be bound my 
 constitution will last for many centuries. But if I should 
 be so foolish as to swallow the mental cantharides import- 
 ed from France, or submit to the continued application 
 of the lancet of war, I should soon be a dead man ! 
 Pray now what are all the boasted political medicines 
 which have been administered on the Continent, but so 
 many doses of corrosive sublimate, that would poison the 
 devil !" 
 
 John is perfectly right, and now Peace and Plenty 
 have returned, hand in hand, to reward him for his for- 
 titude, and he has before him the blissful prospect of 
 reviving commerce, and the firm re-establishment of that 
 constitution, which has been recently violated under the 
 plea of necessity. 
 
 Indeed, the wisdom of Administration will be best 
 demonstrated in their restoration of the Constitution to 
 its primitive simplicity and dignity. This will be an 
 effectual preventive to the introduction of what they call 
 French Principles. The people of the united Kingdom 
 have too much good sense to wish for the adoption cf 
 any other system of government,, in preference to their 
 
 Q 3 P V "&3 
 
( M* ) 
 
 own, which, in its original principles, contains the cor^ 
 servation of the rights of man. Even the boasted Con- 
 sular government of France is, at best, a. political experi- 
 ment, the good or the pernicious effects of which, time 
 only can discover. »■ 
 
 With respect to parties, that animosity which too 
 long prevailed seems gradually softening into good-will ; 
 and, indeed, while we descant on universal philanthropy, 
 it is but rational that our chanty should begin at home, 
 and that congenial sentiments of brotherly love should 
 animate the breasts of the community. 
 
 " Friends, parents, kindred, first nve should embrace} 
 Our country next, and next all human race." 
 
 The declamation of men of words has too long domi- 
 neered over the hearts of mankind ; let us now do justice 
 to the merit of men of deeds, and such deeds too, as, under 
 the blessings of Divine Providence, facilitated the restora- 
 tion of peace. Let us remember, that the Union Flag was 
 triumphantly displayed on the towers of Alexandria by an 
 Hibernian, who led our brave battalions to conquest 
 and to glory, while Fame overspread the tomb of his 
 -noble predecessor with unfading laurel. 
 
 As for the empire of the Ocean it is all our own. 
 The achievements of our sailors during the war have 
 never been paralleled; and our admirals, by a com- 
 bination of talents, wisdom, and heroism, have obtained 
 a series of naval victories, which will net only consecrate 
 the fame of their country, but eternize their names in the 
 annals of the world ! 
 
 But 
 
( "7 ) 
 
 But while we take a retrospect of those more than chi- 
 valrous conquests, in which magnanimity triumphed over 
 opposition, we may turn with gratulatory joy to the con- 
 templation of peace, which has once more harmonized 
 the passions of the nations of Europe. When Lord 
 Nelson struck his flag, the repose and security of his 
 country were realized; and he retired from the arduous 
 task of protecting our shores to the more peaceful, but 
 not less honorable, task of Legislation. 
 
 G 4 DRAMATIC 
 
e I** ) 
 
 DRAMATIC ^UACKERT- 
 
 The loud demand from year to year the same, 
 Cripples Invention and makes Fancy lame ; 
 While Farce itself, most mournfully jejune. 
 Calls for the kind assistance of a tune ; 
 And authors hear one universal cry — 
 Tickle and entertain us, or r <vc die! 
 
 Cow*Elk 
 
 Of all the amusements invented by the ingenuity of 
 man, a theatric representation of human manners and 
 passions is the most interesting and instructive. When 
 the energy of sentiment, and the pathos of the warmest 
 feelings of our nature, are combined with the dignified 
 action of the tragic muse, we sympathize with suffering 
 virtue, and we are warned against the practice of vice, 
 which is productive of the most calamitous events. 
 
 The mirthful failles of Thalia are still more pleasing, 
 by holding, " as it were, the mirror up to nature ;" she 
 satirises our follies in so agreeable a manner, that in the 
 disguise of mirth we embrace wisdom. 
 
 Tragedy maybe termed the sublime, and Comedy 
 the beautiful, of the drama. The former rouses the pas- 
 sions by an irresistible appeal to the heart ; the latter, by 
 exhibiting a lively portrait of whatever is ridiculous or 
 censurable in public manners, at once corrects the foible 
 and enforces propriety of conduct. 
 
 The earliest account w e have of the English drama is 
 
 n -corded 
 
( 129 ) 
 
 recorded by Haywood, who informs us, that in the reign 
 of Henry II. the Mysteries, a kind of representation of the 
 miracles and select passages from the Scriptures, were 
 exhibited by the monks in London. This theatric repre- 
 sentation was succeeded by the Moralities, in which the 
 virtues and vices were personified. 
 
 Interludes were first written and performed in the reign 
 of Henry VIII.; and soon afterwards dramatic compo- 
 sitions, under the denomination of Tragedies and Come- 
 dies, were represented and published. 
 
 During the short reign of the superstitious and cruel 
 Mary, taste was repressed by bigotry, and theatrical 
 amusements suspended. On the accession of Elizabeth, 
 however, the elegant entertainments of the stage were 
 revived and cherished with renovated vigour. The Tragic 
 Muse now visited Albion, and inspired her favourite 
 Shakspeare, whose just delineation of characters and 
 manners, and affecting expressions of the passions, have 
 never been equalled. 
 
 " Each form of many- coloured life he drew, 
 Exhausted worlds and then imagined new: 
 Existence saw him spurn her bounded reign, 
 And panting Time toil'd after him in vain." 
 
 Johnson, 
 
 Ben Jonson, the contemporary of Shakspeare^ also 
 
 contributed to the improvement -of the English drama. — 
 
 His comedy of Every Man in his Humour has often been 
 
 revived, and several of his pieces, notwithstanding obsolete 
 
 G 5 phrases 
 
( 130 ) 
 
 phrases and the quaintness of the language, abound with 
 lively characteristics of human nature, and spirited satire 
 against vice and folly. 
 
 Since that period our drama has been gradually refined. 
 The pathetic Otway and the elegant Rowe have been 
 favoured with the inspirations of Melpomene ; while 
 Thalia bestowed her mirth-inspiring smiles on Cibber, 
 Vanburgh, Farquhar, Congreve, and Steele. 
 
 Our comic writers, however, were rather the abettor? 
 of licentiousness than the correctors of folly ; insomuch 
 that a French author ascribes the depravity of public 
 manners in this capital to the pernicious influence of our 
 comedies. 
 
 Sentimental comedy deserves an exemption from this 
 charge. Steele's Conscious Lovers, and several dramatic 
 pieces of a similar nature, have contributed to polish and 
 improve society; and our modern comedies, though more 
 feeble and uninteresting, are more consistent with deco- 
 rum, than the lively productions of our early comic- 
 writers. 
 
 The West Indian, the School for Scandal, and a few 
 good comedies, have rescued this age from the condem- 
 nation of stupidity; but, with the exceptions of a few 
 dramatic pieces, the puerile and vulgar productions of 
 the present race of dramatists, together with the ghostly 
 abortions of G. M. Lewis's monstrous muse, are too con- 
 temptible even to deserve the chastisement of satire. 
 
 Our* modern comedies are, in general, flippant and 
 uninteresting, abounding with a repetition of cant phrases,, 
 -puns, and pert dialogue. 
 
 Pantomimic 
 
( 131 ) 
 
 Pantomimic gesticulation and outrageous rant, inter- 
 mingled with impious execrations, constitute the very- 
 spirit of modem tragedy: such is Pizarro. Indeed the 
 radical defect of the modern drama is the insignificance of 
 the subject chosen by the writer. 
 
 From this cursory sketch of the English drama, let us 
 now turn our attention to those recent innovations, by 
 which the popular taste was insulted and depraved. The 
 Dramatic Empiricism which occasioned a temporary sus- 
 pension of the public judgment deserves our particular 
 animadversion, and shall therefore be introduced under 
 the semblance of a species of mental disease. 
 
 This pest was first imported from the continent in 
 bundles of paper, inscribed with Teutonic characters, and 
 translated into English, which communicated the con- 
 tagion to the higher ranks of society with the rapidity of 
 the electric fluid. The first symptoms were a strange ad- 
 miration of ghosts, mouldering castles, sulphureous flames, 
 bloody daggers, and other terrific images of a distempered 
 imagination. In this stage of the disease it may be deno- 
 minated the Spectramania ; but on the introduction of a 
 larger quantity of the infectious matter, the dangerous 
 symptoms increased, and it assumed a formidable appear- 
 ance under the name of Katzebue-mania. 
 
 The unhappy wight who was destined to do this irre- 
 parable injury to the morals of his countrymen was one 
 Benjamin Thompson, whom the courtesy of this title- 
 loving age has since dignified with the appellation Esquire! 
 We are told that he concealed the papers impregnated 
 wUh the infection for ten years, till, in a moment of en- 
 
 thusiasm 9 
 
c m ) 
 
 thusiasm, he sent them to the manager of one of the 
 theatres, who administered the virus to the public. 
 
 This cruel disease, which has spared neither age nor sex 
 in Germany, France, or England, takes its name from an 
 empiric named Kotzebue. The patients were afflicted 
 with a childish passion for noise, paintings, the startings 
 and ravings of others deeply affected with the same dis- 
 ease, and a strong abhorrence of common sense. This 
 species of madness induced the women of every rank to 
 divest themselves of a great part of their clothes. They 
 also cut off their hair, which would have contributed to 
 the restoration of health, had the disorder affected only 
 the head, but unfortunately its principal malignancy 
 operated on the heart, where it extinguished the light of 
 morality which had been kindled by a virtuous education. 
 While labouring under this delirium, what had formerly 
 been considered crimes were metamorphosed into virtues, 
 and religion and decency were thrown aside like old 
 garments. 
 
 When the distemper became general, the people 
 thronged to our places of public amusement, where the 
 contagion was most powerful. Thither the old and the 
 young, the grave and the gay, hastened, like insects, to 
 Butter round the flame of licentiousness : to add to the 
 .absurdity, the very people who wasted their time and 
 money in pursuit of a phantom were clamorous against 
 the high price of provisions i The curious names given 
 to different portions of the infectious matter induced the 
 people to purchase it just as they do other quack medi-. 
 cinesc They had not the most remote idea that what 
 
 was 
 
( w ) 
 
 ■ was introduced under the plausible name of theatric en- 
 tertainments could have any pernicious influence, till fatal 
 experience made them feel the imbecility produced by 
 immoral dramas. On the introduction of the Stranger, 
 our ladies thronged to behold the fair German who had 
 made a fashionable slip. By a little conversation with 
 her they not only caught the infection of the Kctzebue- 
 mania, but were convinced that adultery was merely 
 an amiable weakness, though they had so often heard it 
 mentioned by English moralists as the most execrable 
 deviation from the path of honour, and totally subversive 
 of social felicity. The next dose was administered by a 
 very skilful female quack, who gave it the name of Lovers' 
 Vc~.±s. and by a happy termination demonstrated the be- 
 neficial consequences of seduction. 
 
 But this mental malady did not arrive at the greatest 
 height till the introduction of Pizarro. The multitude 
 thronged to see this monster. They held up their hands, 
 opened their mouths, and gazed in stupid astonishment 
 at the superb pageant that shone before their imagina- 
 tion, It was such a delightful enjoyment to sit at one's 
 f ase, and behold all the horrors, without encountering 
 the dangers, of a battle and a thunderstorm. There was 
 so much enthusiastic loyalty in the bombastic speech of 
 Rot/a, that even the critic with difficulty traced the sen- 
 timents, and detected the plagiarism, in the more simple 
 and dignified lines of Cowper, 
 
 Those physicians of taste known by the name of Re- 
 viewers, had anxiously watched the progress of the Kctze- 
 kx-mama through every stage, till it arrived at a crisis, 
 
 when 
 
( 134 ) 
 
 when they administered a variety of antidotes, some as 
 correctives, and others as alteratives. When the feverifh 
 fymptoms abated, the convalescents were gradually re- 
 stored, and the public taste, though yet very poorly indeed, 
 will, it is to be hoped, recover from the imbecility brought 
 on by this mental apoplexy. 
 
 It has been recommended, in order to prevent fuch fatal 
 accidents in future, that all the productions of the conti- 
 nent shall be examined by adequate judges, previous to 
 their being landed, and that the vessels shall perform qua- 
 rantine. 
 
 Such was the progress of the Kotzebue-mania 9 which 
 had a more pernicious effect on the health and morals of 
 the community than gin, or even the nostrums of quack- 
 ery. Indeed no disease has raged with such fatal malig- 
 nancy in this capital since the plague in 1665. 
 
 Scarcely bad the fury of this disease subsided, and a 
 general convalescence taken place, when the public sanity 
 was endangered by another visitation of a much more be- 
 nign nature. Music, soul-subduing music, came upon 
 the wings of Favonius, from the soft clirne of Italy, to 
 soothe the British ear. Our public singers may, in a 
 moment of vanity, address the audience in the language 
 of the syrens: 
 
 " Blest is the man ordainM our voice to hear ! 
 The song instructs the soul and charms the ear. 
 Approach ! thy soul shall into rapture rise ! 
 Approach! and learn new wisdem from the wise!'* 
 
 On 
 
( 135 ) 
 
 . On the other hand, Mrs. Billington might, in a parody, 
 address her admirers, as they" almost squeezed each other 
 to death, to catch the inchanting vibrations of the viewless 
 air as it flowed through the mazes of her mellow wind- 
 pipe- 
 Sweet are your thund'ring footsteps to my ear, 
 Your placid looks my tender bosom cheer. 
 Approach ! for sound you common sense despise : 
 Approach! and with y oar money charm my eyes! 
 
 As the lovers of music are persons of extreme sensibi- 
 lity, their sufferings must have been very excruciating 
 indeed, while they sympathized with poor Mrs. B. when 
 she was brought to bed of a needle. Various have been the 
 reports concerning this singular case of surgery, and Mr. 
 H declares, that after examining the extracted steel 
 through a microscope, he is not certain whether it is a 
 needle or a stiletto. The lady has been a great traveller, 
 and it is not improbable that fome envious Italian at- 
 tempted to assassinate her, and left his stiletto in her 
 shoulder. 
 
 It is still more probable, however, that she swallowed 
 a. needle during some moment when her mind was over- 
 whelmed by harmony : and in order to prevent other 
 ladies from a similar misfortune 5 the following piece of 
 advice has been put into verse, that they may the more 
 readily commit it to memory, nay, sing it if they please : 
 
 Girls 
 
( 136 ) 
 
 Girls oft have been caution'd 'gainst swallowing fins. 
 Let them list to a friend who ne'er wheedles ; 
 And unless they are willing to smart for their sins, 
 Let them be still more cautious of needles. 
 
 Among the different species of coxcombs who infest 
 society, none are more contemptible and absurd than 
 those who loll half asleep in the boxes at the principal 
 theatres, and affect to gaze on the most comic scenes 
 with apathy, while a general burst of laughter prevails. 
 They also contemplate the most affecting scenes of 
 Tragedy with the same unaltered muscles, as if it were 
 a mark of supericr intellect to repress the feelings of the 
 heart. 
 
 Several eminent writers have vindicated the morality 
 of the stage. This, doubtless, is the reason why such a 
 number of dissolute characters live in the vicinity of our 
 principal theatres *. Wishing to participate the instruc- 
 tion 
 
 * The following picture of modern profligacy, though the colour- 
 ing is strong, is but too exact a resemblance of real life. 
 
 " Of the increased prevalence of immoral and vicious habits, the 
 public theatres exhibit a damning proof. Twenty years ago a pro- 
 stitute did not dare to shew her face in the lower parts of the house; 
 and if in the upper boxes, to which this description of unfortunate 
 women were confined, any tumult or noise was heard, the indigna- 
 tion of the audience, decisively manifested, either produced instanta- 
 neous quiet; or the expulsion of the offenders'. Now, alas ! how dif- 
 ferent is the scene ! the front boxes of the theatres are almost exclu- 
 ' -' devoted to women of the town j the bbb : es swarm with tnem j 
 
 they 
 
( 137 ) 
 
 lion of the Drama, they seem to have environed these 
 elegant temples of morality, as the lame and impotent 
 formerly did the Pool of Bethsaida. It is to be appre- 
 hended, however, that no celestial visitant will descend 
 to impart healing virtues in a place where such demons 
 of a depraved imagination as The Castle Spectre, Blue- 
 Beard, and similar ridiculous pageants, are suffered to 
 make night hideous, It is full time that such wretched 
 substitutes for rational amusement should be rejected, 
 especially since Shakspeare, our English Apollo, hat 
 evidently overthrown the host of German Titans, who 
 
 ihey occupy every part of the house, with the solitary exception of 
 the side boxes and the first circle ; the roqms intended for the pur- 
 poses of refreshment are like the show-rooms of a bagnio ; and it 
 "is next to impossible for a virtuous woman to walk from her box to 
 her carriage, without having her eyes offended, and her ears shocked, 
 by the most indecent gestures, and the most obscene language* 
 And in this most profligate exhibition the young men are as bad as, 
 if not worse than, the women. At a summer theatre we have seen 
 the performance absolutely stopped by the noise of these male and 
 female prostitutes, and the front boxes rendered the scene of actions 
 fi only for a brothel. When such gross violations of decency and 
 decorum are pufehcly tolerated, woeful, indeed, must be the de- 
 pravity of public manners!" 
 
 Anti-Jaccbhi Review frr June i2co, pp. 204, 205, 
 
 Does not the censurable custom of admission at half-price, as 
 practised at one of the theatres, contribute to the intrusion of inebri- 
 ated rakes and prostitutes ; and would not the payment of full price 
 in some measure prevent the influx of such beings, and serve as a 
 cpnective of this ijuisaaee J 
 
 impious! j 
 
( *3* ) 
 
 Impiously waged war, not only against true taste and 
 morality, but against Heaven itself. 
 
 Whatever benefit may be received at the theatres, by 
 the auditory in general, certain it is that the youthful 
 part of the fair sex undergo a severe ordeal. When 
 we behold beautiful young ladies at church, adorned 
 by the elegant robe of modesty, and afterwards view 
 the same lovely beings in the boxes at the playhouse, 
 sitting half naked, as if in imitation of women of the 
 town, we can scarcely believe our eyes, or reconcile to 
 reason such a glaring inconsistency, such a preposterous 
 violation of decorum. What ! are the amiable daughters 
 of Britain to be exhibited to the intrusive gaze of the 
 world :~ forbid it propriety, decency, and virtue. 
 
 Parallel between Kemble and Cooke in the Character 
 of King Richard III. 
 
 The generous competition of these celebrated actors 
 has afforded the public much entertainment. Kemble, 
 in the two first acts, seemed deficient in that eagerness 
 which characterised the ambitious usurper, but he grew 
 warmer as he proceeded, and in the scene with Lady 
 Anne his flattery, dissimulation, and affected tenderness, 
 were infinitely superior to the rough gallantry of Cooke. 
 
 In the fourth act, on parting with his officers the night 
 before the battle, he degraded the mental depression of 
 the tyrant ; and expressed " Good night, my friends," in 
 
 tht 
 
( *59 )" 
 
 the whine of a person soliciting charity, rather than the 
 ;o!cmn accents of a desponding hero. Cooke is more 
 dignified and reserved on the same occasion ; indeed, his 
 voice is much stronger, and better suited to the heroic 
 character than the softer intonation of Kemble. 
 
 The expression of horror in Kemble's countenance, is 
 the last scene ; the gradual display of reason predomi- 
 nating over his terrified imagination ; the transition to 
 natural fortitude resuming its empire in his breast ; and 
 the pathos with which he exclaimed " Richard's himself 
 again!" electrified his auditory. In the duel with Rich- 
 mond he exhibited too much of the expertness of a 
 fencer; but as the representative of a fallen tyrant, he 
 expired in a manner worthy of a great actor. 
 
 As the representative of Richard, however, Cooke 
 claims the palm, and the public decision seems in his 
 favour. The ambition, artifice, and dissimulation of the 
 usurper, were most ably exhibited by this actor, whose 
 voice, gestures, and the admirable expression of his coun- 
 tenance, domineered over our imagination. In several 
 instances his manner was coarse, yet such inelegance 
 seemed natural to a deformed tyrant. He never lost 
 sight of the character he represented, though he was 
 imperfect in the last scene. In his harangue to his army 
 he was every thing we could wish from the represent* 
 ative of the courageous Richard at the head of his troops. 
 In the duel, if he difplayed less agility and grace than 
 Kemble, it was only a proof of his superior judgment, 
 for who would expect the adroitness of a swordsman, in 
 a fierce warrior previously fatigued, and whose sanguin- 
 ary 
 
( 140 ) 
 
 ary object was the destruction of his opponent rather 
 than self-defence ? 
 
 With respect to the other actors and actresses, at both: 
 theatre?, they are, in general, well entitled to that patron, 
 age which the most liberal people in the world are ever 
 willing to bestow on merit. 
 
 In Comedy, Lewis is pre-eminent. Cynical, indeed > 
 must be that disposition, torpid that heart, and rigid 
 those muscles, which his acting could not soften to mirth*. 
 Animated, graceful, and inspired with the true glee of 
 the comic Muse, this favourite, actor engages our esteem 
 while he delights our eyes and ears. In the pomp 
 of tragedy Mrs. Litchfield is elegant and affecting. 
 Her Lady Anne and Lady Macbeth were a display of 
 graceful action and characters well supported. Miss 
 Chapman is also an engaging favourite of Melpomene ; 
 while Mrs. Glover fhines in the pleasurable walk of 
 comedy. 
 
 The Thespian phalanx of Drury-lane are also nume- 
 rous and respectable. Indeed, the temporary retirement 
 of their leader was unpropitious to the lovers of the 
 Drama, and his resumption of the buskin must be grati- 
 fying to every mind who wishes to see the softer passions 
 pourtrayed in all their simplicity and beauty. 
 
 Mrs. Billington has, under the tutelage of Clio, en- 
 gaged to serve two masters. The public ear has been 
 delighted with her symphonious warblings ; connoisseurs 
 are enchanted, and even persons whose auricular nerver 
 are not so finely organised, have confessed that her voice 
 ii iC sweet as the shepherd's pipe upon the mountain/' 
 
 MTMRMT 
 
( 141 ) 
 
 LITERARY QUACKERY. 
 
 Books are not seldom talismans and spells? 
 
 By which the magic art of shrewder wits 
 
 Holds an unthinking multitude enthralled. 
 
 Some to the fascination of a name 
 
 Surrender judgment, hood-wink'd- Some the style 
 
 Infatuates, and through labyrinths and wilds 
 
 Of error leads them by a tune entranc'd. 
 
 COWPER. 
 
 Literature, that celestial handmaid of Knowledge, 
 under the guidance of Truth, unites the ingenious, the 
 good, and the virtuous, in one mystic chain of con- 
 fraternity. How often has the intelligent and studious 
 mind been enlightened and invigorated, by the beautiful 
 descriptions and elevated conceptions of genius ! How 
 often have the tears cf sympathy, or the generous glow 
 of joy, been excited by a pathetic and lively portraiture 
 of the vicissitudes of human life ; and while the eye drank 
 instruction, the heart was meliorated and the understand- 
 ing enlarged. 
 
 But even literature has been productive of evil as well 
 good. The excursions of a playful imagination natu- 
 . rally deviate into the forbidden regions of licentiousness, 
 and the shafts of Ridicule, pointed by Wit, have been but 
 too often aimed at the bosom of Virtue, while brazen-faced 
 Impiety concealed her deformity in the broad laugh of 
 humour. Those volumes, sacred to science, which either 
 
 enlarge 
 
( m y 
 
 enlarge the 3phere of intellectual vision, or innocently 
 amuse the reader, are, with deference, resigned to the 
 vigilant observance of our monthly Literary Censors ; 
 and our enquiries shall be directed to the investigation of 
 only such publications as are absurd or pernicious. 
 
 Book-makers. 
 These ephemera, generated by the warmth of the sua 
 of knowledge, like the locusts in eastern regions, devour 
 the sustenance of others. 
 
 The first and most injurious class of these " half- 
 formed witlings," comprehends writers of their own 
 adventures. Modern voluptuaries of both sexes, when 
 they have by excess incapacitated themselves for pur- 
 suing their pleasures, " fight all their battles o'er again, '' 
 by describing their amours, which they publish, to con- 
 tribute as much as possible to the amusement and vitia- 
 tion of others, for a pecuniary consideration. Were 
 such depraved mortals to publish their Memoirs as a 
 demonstration of the fatal effects of vice, they might be 
 considered as doing an act of justice in favour of public 
 morals — similar to the dying declaration of criminals at 
 the place of execution. But they not only endeavour to 
 palliate their enormities, under the soft epithet of error, 
 but in some instances they are abandoned enough to 
 recommend similar practices ; while an unprincipled pub- 
 lisher, for the sake of gain, circulates the mental canthc- 
 rides which empoisons thousands ! 
 
 The life of a military swindler was published about 
 two years ago, and the public curiosity has since been 
 
 gratiS e& 
 
( 143 ) 
 
 gratified with the life and opinions of a military prth 
 iligate. 
 
 The latter, however, seems conscious of his errors, and 
 has made a public expiation by a suspension of his por- 
 trait ;, which every reader, «n the perusal of his frivolous 
 and absurd pages, will own to have been strictpoetical justice. 
 We have also been amused with Memoirs of a Demirep, 
 written by herself. This work has been censured by the 
 reviewers, as " little better than a catch-penny" but the 
 purchaser will find to his cost r . that it is a catch guinea* 
 It certainly requires an uncommon degree of effrontery 
 in book-makers and their publishers, to enable them to 
 vend obscene prodiv::lo::3 in a country where laws are 
 established for the suppression of such abortions of intel- 
 lect. We are informed that " An information was exhi- 
 bited by the Attorney-General against the defendant Ed- 
 mund Curll, for that he, contriving and intending to 
 injure the morals of the people of this realm, printed and 
 published a certain wicked and obscene book, entitled 
 Venus in the Cloister, or the Nun in her Smock."* Curll 
 was found guilty, and was afterwards set in the pillory, as 
 he well deserved. 
 
 Austere moralists may censure a certain publisher, who 
 vends a Quack Doctor's pamphlet and nostrums; but 
 a calm investigation of the matter will evince that he is 
 only " labouring at his vocation." By a singular coincid- 
 ence of circumstances, this devout tradesman contributes 
 at once to the sanity and instruction of society : — he is a 
 preacher ttf the gospel! But he may justify the seeming 
 * Vide StTaage's Reports, p. 7S8, M. Teim, 1 Geo. II. ^^^%. 
 
 enormity 
 
( 144 } 
 
 enormity of his endeavours to serve God and Mamtxin, 
 by exclaiming with Falstaff, " It is no sin for a man to 
 labour at his 'vocation.'' 
 
 The most curious as well as ridiculous species of book- 
 making was " Tales of Wonder," compiled by Mr. L. and 
 sold at the moderate price of a guinea! Indeed the abi- 
 lities of this spectre -loving senator were employed to some 
 purpose in collecting ballads from the dead walls of this 
 metropolis! 
 
 Next to these caterers for the public taste maybe men- 
 tioned our modern historians. — 
 
 " Some write a narrative of wars, and feats 
 Of heroes, little known; and call the rant 
 A history." 
 
 The book-maker collects the volumes of writers of ac- 
 knowledged merit, and by the aid of a few transcribers 
 he so completely transubstantiates the original, that the 
 author himself would be puzzled to recognize any re- 
 semblance. Hence by intermingling their own vague 
 •conceptions with the sublime ideas of genius, book-makers 
 produce a dull monster. Such are, jG's Greece; H's His- 
 tory of Scotland ; and a variety of histories of France 
 written by Englishmen since the revolution : but let us not 
 speak ill of the dead ! 
 
 Several of the phalanx of book-makers are Frenchmen 
 and Germans, who good-naturedly endeavour to illuminate 
 our minds, by communicating their ideas in English. 
 Indeed the pedantic and foppish innovations attempted 
 
 bf 
 
( us ) 
 
 by these conceited foreigners , and even English translator* 
 destitute of genius, would, by the introduction of bar- 
 barisms, soon render our copious and elegant language 
 mere gibberish, were they not deterred by the sjnrited 
 and judicious criticism of Reviewers. 
 
 Several schemes have been adopted by modern book- 
 makers to obtain popularity. Some " forager on other's 
 wisdom," excites attention by detecting the plagiarism of 
 an eminent writer. Such is Br. Ferriar, whose M Illus- 
 trations of Sterne" may be said to have rendered the 
 author " dark with excessive bright." The doctor, how- 
 ever, may claim the merit of having discovered a new 
 method of embalming, for by interspersing some of the 
 fragrant spices of Sterne's wit with his own crude ideas, 
 he has preserved the inert mass. 
 
 But of all other plans to gain public approbation, the 
 moft powerful and successful is that of asserting the men- 
 tal equality of the sexes. This secures the patronage of 
 one half of the human species, together with a numerous 
 herd of coxcombs, who, either from imbecility, or po- 
 liteness, acquiesce in opinion with the ladies. 
 
 The virtuous part of the fair sex, however, which hap- 
 pily constitutes a great majority, aspire to no such fan- 
 ciful distinction ; they are meek and amiable, the bright- 
 est ornaments of the social edifice. 
 
 When we consider the softness and delicacy of the 
 female form, the seclusion and domestic cares to which 
 woman voluntarily submits, together with many conco- 
 mitant circumstances, we must admire her attainments of 
 useful and elegant knowledge, the justness of her taste, 
 H the 
 
( 146 ) 
 
 the endearing propriety of her conversation, and the va- 
 riety Of accomplishments which adorn this queen of the 
 fmile3 and the graces ! 
 
 Man is much superior to woman in thofe comprehen- 
 sive and powerful faculties which investigate and im- 
 prove; in that fortitude which braves danger, and thai- 
 ambition which grasps the crown of fame; but in the 
 .more amiable virtues and gentle passions, which give the 
 richest zest to social felicity, woman far transcends him. 
 
 Contemplate this lovely being in the relative situations 
 of daughter, wife, and mother; how attentive to the filial, 
 how faithful to the conjugal, and how solicitous in the 
 performance of the maternal duties does she appear! In 
 friendship she is superior to man. When sickness assails 
 his inmate, man is grieved, and bestows his advice or his 
 purse ; but he does not like to pour the balm of comfort 
 into the ears of the sick; nay, he sometimes avoids the 
 chamber, as if he dreaded infection, Kis anxiety for the 
 recovery of his friend may be excessive; but with a fallen 
 majestic dignity he retires and vents his sighs and 
 tears in secret, as if he considered sympathy as the com- 
 panion of imbecility. 
 
 How does woman behave on this trying occasion? Un- 
 appalled by threatening contagion, she forgets her fears 
 in her tenderness! She attends the sick friend, adminis- 
 ters medicine, rendered still more efficacious from her 
 hand; she watches the crisis of the disease, and should 
 the visknt ; on of death close the scene, she supports the 
 languishing, head on her fair bosom, wipes away the cold 
 drops that exude from the pale brow, cheers the depart- 
 
{ 147 ) 
 
 ing spirit "by the mild radiance of her love-fraught eye, 
 and mitigates the final throe by her soothing cares ! 
 
 Such is woman! the purest fountain of domestic bliss, 
 the richest antepast of celestial happinefs. This elegant 
 creature, ' whose heart is empire, and whose love is hea- 
 ven,' is the rational companion of man; entitled by her 
 beauties to his love, and worthy of his most exalted esteeiB 
 for her virtues 
 
 W I » 1 §. 
 
I N D E X. 
 
 A LFRED the Great, his piety and munificence, 77. 
 
 **• Anecdote of a Quack Doctor almost poisoned by his 
 own nostrum, 29 — Of a quacksalver and a widow, 55. 
 
 Aurum potabiie, virtues of, 7. 
 
 Bentley, Professor, of King's College, Aberdeen, letter 
 from, 70. 
 
 Billington, Mrs. the power of her voice, 135— Undergoes a 
 surgical operation, ibid. 
 
 Brodum, Dr. biographical anecdotes of, 13 — Obtains a 
 diploma from the M. Coll. Aberdeen, 14 — Marries Dr. 
 F.'s widow, ibid. — Becomes resident physician in Lon- 
 don, 15 — Dedicates his book to the King, 16 — Neglects 
 the precept of Horace, 17 — A patron of genius, iS — , 
 Quotations from his pamphlet, 19 — Proposal to erect a 
 sratue of him, 20 — Remarkable for the strength of his 
 sight, 21 — Would be a soldier, 22 — Beneficial effects of 
 his medicines, 23. 
 
 Buzaglo superior to Mr. Perkins, 43. 
 
 Coachmen, noble, described, 101-— Dreadful accident which 
 befel one of them, 102 — Advised to learn the art of 
 driving on Wimbledon Common, 102. 
 
 College of Physicians, when instituted, 6 — Privileges of, 7* 
 
 Colquhoun, Mr. his theory investigated, 85-^-His stateo 
 ment erroneous, ibid.— His idea of a central police ex- 
 ploded, 87. 
 
 Corfield, Nurse, a famous physician, 9. 
 
 Darwin, Dr. food discovered by him, 81. 
 
 Diseases in London principally ideal, 63. 
 
 Epigram on Quackery, 68— On needles, 136. 
 
 Fashionable purases, adopted by the vulgar, 10S. 
 
 Graham* 
 
INDEX. 
 
 Graham, Dr. superior to modern Quacks, 41. 
 
 Hippocrates, his advice, 65. 
 
 Hoffman, quotation from, 60, 
 
 Jefferies, Anne, instructed in the art of healing by fairies, 
 
 10 — Her disinterestedness, ibid. 
 Jews too cunning to give their money for nostrums, 31. 
 Immorality, source of, 8 6. 
 John Bull, averse to a change of diet, 123 — Kis observations 
 
 on State Quacks, 125. 
 Kant, his speech in the temple of philosophy, 112 — 
 
 Strange metamorphosis of, 119. 
 Kemble and Cooke, parallel between, 138. 
 Kotzebue, described, 113 — His address to philosophy, 114. 
 
 — Transformed into a goat, 119. 
 Kotzebue-mania, an epidemic disease, 131. 
 Ladies, wage war like the ancient Gauls, 103 — Some of 
 
 them wear a coat of mail, 104. 
 Lattese, Mr. superior to Dr. Senate, 42. 
 London, its superiority, 87 — The seat of knowledge, 89 — 
 Manners of its inhabitants, 91— Love of gain their pre- 
 dominant passion, ibid. — Affectation, 92 — Love of variety, 
 93 — Profusion, ■ibid. — Regularity, 94 — Caricatures, ibid. 
 — Propensity to censure, 96. 
 Medicine, sketch of the history of, 4. 
 Menial servility, 107. 
 Messmer, his imposture more ingenious than that of Perkins, 
 
 11 — Detected at Paris, 12. 
 Modern fine gentleman described, 97 — Not so effeminate as 
 
 formerly, 1C3. 
 Mountebank described, 12. 
 Paine, metamorphosis of, 119. 
 Paintings, animated, 84. 
 
 Perkins, Mr. his Metallic Tractors, 33 — Panegyric on his 
 philanthropy, 34 — Monthly Reviewers censure him, 35— 
 Fanatical clergymen who patronize the metallic practice, 
 37 — Application of the tractors to female philosophers, 
 recommended, 38. 
 Philosophers, opinion of, respecting the sun, 83. 
 Philosophic coxcomb, 98. 
 
 Philosophers, female, described, 116 — Honour conferred 
 on, 1 1 7 — ^Transformed into parrots, 119. 
 
 Philosophy, 
 
I N D E X. 
 
 Philosophy, modern, Temple of, described, 118 — Destroy =• 
 
 ed, 119. 
 Quackery, domestic, pernicious, 57, 
 Razors, hunting, 84. 
 
 Religion, description of, 118 — Destroys the temple of mo- 
 dern philosophy, 119. 
 Rumford, Count, 81. 
 Senator transformed into a monkey, 119. 
 Senate. Dr. his solemn declaration, 32 — Wonderful effect 
 of steel in his hands, ibid* — Peace inauspicious to his 
 success, 33. 
 Solomon. Dr. a Jew, an empiric, and an author, 23 — His 
 pamphlet approved, and by whom, 24 — Candour mani- 
 fested in his advertisement, 25 — Conjectures respecting 
 his balm. 26 — His Anti-Impetigines, 27 — His eieganee 
 as a writer illustrated, 28 — -His nostrums puffed in the 
 newspapers, 29 — May be taken notice of by the Attor~ 
 ney -Genei al, 30. 
 Stage, itrie 2s < n s 128. 
 
 ment, new species o r , 49. 
 Unanirrfity and brotherly love recommended, 126. 
 Warj^stand necessary, 122. 
 Wilkinson, Mr. his incredulity, 44— -Administers nostrums 
 
 to different 0. itnts, 4 5. 
 W-s - . criotd, too. 
 
 x ujpg people, address to, 66. 
 
Books published by the same Author 
 
 ist, THE LIFE OF GEORGE WASHINGTON, 
 late President and Commander in Chief of the Armies 
 of the United States of America. Price Three Shillings 
 and Sixpence. Kearsley, Fleet-street. 
 
 a d, A SATIRICAL VIEW OF LONDON, at the 
 
 Commencement of the Nineteenth Century. Price 
 Five Shillings, Boards. Hurst, Patcrnoster-row. 
 
 " A very ( entertaining and well-written performance, 
 the author of which appears to be a man of extensive 
 knowledge and just observation; possessing also an acute 
 discrimination of characters and manners.' 
 
 Monthly Rey \l\v for June 1801. 
 
 '* Though this work cannot boast the hand of a toa- 
 ster, yet it affords entertainment, and maybe perused with 
 considerable profit by a numerous class of readers. The 
 author appears, every-where, to be a friend to religion, 
 morality, and ail the decencies of life. * * * v * 
 
 " We shall now present our readers with the author's 
 bill of fare; it will be found to contain sufficient variety, 
 and may perhaps have something not ungrateful to every 
 palate: Contents, Introduction — Characteristics of the 
 
 Inhabitants of London Englishman — --Welchmen- — 
 
 Scotchmen — Irishmen — Comparisons of the English, 
 Scotch, and Irish, new resident in London—Germans — 
 Frenchmen — Spaniards — Dutchmen — Jews — Nobility — 
 Characters from Life — Gentry — Merchants — Manners of 
 the Great — Dress- — Female Education — Education of 
 Youth — Clergy — Lawyers — Physicians — Quack Doctors 
 —Cosmetics- Modern Philosopher? — Female Philoso- 
 phers — Seduction — Literature — Divines — Philosophers- 
 Poets — Historians and Tourists — Biographers — Novelists 
 — Reviewers— -Monthly Review — Critical Review — Bri- 
 tish Critic — Ami -Jacobin Review — Newspapers — Public 
 x\mu?ements — Appendix. 
 
 " We wish it a numerous and respectable acquaint- 
 ance, and that it may do much good to the author and 
 the public.'* 
 
 An'ti-Jacobin UsviEW/or September 1801. 
 T. Davison, White Friars. 
 

 
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