Ui'icle Frank's 
 
 FISH STORIES, 
 
 WlTli 
 
 POEMS 
 
 OF A F?SM FL.AVOR 
 
 
CopyriglitN^. 
 
c 
 
 TO S. A»A YORK I^INOOI^IV 
 
 who first encouraged me in writing, this book 
 is respectfully dedicated. 
 
Copyright 1918 
 by J. F. Withey 
 
>J> 
 
) ) ) )..._ 
 
 UrcIg Frank's 
 FISH STOPIES. 
 
 WITH 
 
 POEMS 
 
 OF A FISH FLAVOR 
 
 .1. rRANixLix wn nrv. 
 
 J. FRANKLIN WITHHY. 
 BOSTON. I,OS ANGELE<. 
 
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 " ait) Ftoii 
 
 'PR ?•• WW 
 
 SEP \^\m 
 
Uncle Frank's Fish Stories 
 
 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF UNCLE 
 FRANK 
 
 1 am known to the literary world as 
 Uncle iMank. IJorn in Glasgow, England, 
 as near as I can find out in 1732. It says 
 on the Hy leaf of Webster's Dictionary, 
 John Scabby, Born July 4th, 1732. I have 
 been of such a roving disposition that I 
 have changed my name a number of times 
 to suit my taste. In my early life I learned 
 the trade of carpenter. It was too hard 
 work for me; accordingly I borrowed ten 
 dollars apiece of my brother and cousin and 
 with $10 of my own bought a printing press 
 and entered the job printing i)usiness. I 
 also took the treasuryship of the Lynn City 
 St. Railway Co. The railway sold out to 
 another company and I gave up my print- 
 1 
 
 ^^^^^^gjf^^^tf^^t^S^M 
 
1 
 
 c 
 
ing business and entered the plumbing busi- 
 ness, as clerk in the office of the L. A. May 
 Co., Lynn, Mass. Continued in the business 
 for eleven years and then located on a farm 
 in Danvers Center. Continued there for 
 seven years when I returned to Lynn and 
 re-entered the printing business for five 
 years, when I came to California. I have 
 been deputy assessor for 8 years. One year 
 I went down to San Pedro for a few days. 
 I was fishing off the coast of Catalina for 
 tuna. I got a bite from a large one that 
 pulled me overboard. I w^as s\vallowed by 
 a whale. It was a female whale; she took 
 a notion to me and invited me to stop a 
 few days. I took a room up close to her 
 left eye where it was light and I could look 
 out and see the stars in the night. 
 
 Mrs. Whale Has Ptomaine Poisoning 
 One day Mrs. Whale swallowed a case 
 2 
 
 m 
 
C4 
 
Mrs. Whale Has Callers 
 
 We were off the coast of Norway one 
 night and suddenly a submarine of good size 
 came through the side of the whale. It 
 stuck fast half way in and pluged the open- 
 ing so there was no leak. She invited them 
 to stop. One of the Fejee Island cannibals 
 was on board with his wife and twelve 
 children. Mrs. Whale gave them a swell 
 dinner and this was the 
 Menu 
 
 Whale's spawn, shark's fins; for tooth- 
 picks, sand paper napkins: with each guest's 
 picture on it; silver napkins from Daniel 
 Low of Salem, Mass., six inches in diame- 
 ter; sunfish jelly, sea weed flavor; crab's 
 eyeballs, oystrich gizzards, baked elephant's 
 heart, rhinoceros gravy, cabbage salad with 
 Bell's Dresing, chocolate ice cream made 
 in Iceland, sponge cake with mullberry 
 4 
 
a 
 
 (4 
 
Wi^mm^sm^s^^^^ 
 
 filling, olive oil, cherry wine, chocolate 
 drops three inches in diameter. There were 
 also some side dishes. The party left late 
 at night and I afterward heard that the 
 submarine mysteriously exploded from the 
 inside and all on board were lost. 
 
 Mrs. Whale Installs an Electric Plant 
 
 Mrs. Whale was at a loss at first to know 
 how to furnish power for the electric plant, 
 but finally decided that when she spouted 
 water and it descended, nothing could be 
 better. She arranged to fill the swimming 
 pool with it. It made a splendid shower 
 bath. ; 
 
 Mrs. Whale had a pet cat. It was sleep- 
 ing on the edge of the swimming pool one 
 day, fell in and was drowned. She decided 
 to have a funeral. The casket was very 
 expensize. The funeral procession con- 
 5 
 
<k 
 
 (i 
 
> 
 
 Mrs. Whale likes fruit 
 
d 
 
 (I 
 
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 sisted of 12 Limosines from all over the 
 world. All kinds of cats were represented 
 — black, white, mixed, angora. A wild cat 
 sat on the seat with the undertaker. The 
 minister was an Episcopal from London, 
 England. He was highly educated and 
 talked in five languages. Mrs. Whale 
 erected a monument in her cemetery and 
 placed this inscription on it: "Here lies 
 the body of my pet cat, Dorothy Jane 
 Whale. She never scratched or stayed out 
 nights and disturbed the neighbors." The 
 bearers were 12 canary birds. There was a 
 profusion of flowers, including a wreath 
 from Queen Isabella, a cross from Pope 
 Pius the 12th. There was a boquet of flow- 
 ers on the cat's breast from Mirinda Catnip 
 Easterbrook of Newport, R. I. 
 
a 
 
 (Q^ 
 
^ 
 
 Mrs. Whale Acts as a Transport 
 
 She came alongside of the dock at 94th 
 street, N. Y. Six thousand of our brave 
 boys marched down Broadway and were re- 
 viewed by the President, Secretary of the 
 Navy and Governor of New York. When 
 Mrs. Whale started she lashed the sea in 
 such a way that it made great waves. They 
 came up on the wharf and washed a number 
 of people overboard. She swallowed 27 sol- 
 diers' wives. They were buried in her cem- 
 etery and a monument erected and this was 
 the epitaph: "In memory of the wives 
 of the brave soldiers. May they be re- 
 warded in the future as they will never 
 draw a widow's pension." The whale trans- 
 port left New York Monday morning at 
 nine o'clock, and the soldiers were in Lon- 
 don Tuesday noon, and had a fish dinner 
 at 2 o'clock. 14000 nippers were consumed, 
 7 
 
3000 lobsters. 6 barrels of clams and 15 auto 
 trucks of water mellons. The Prince of 
 Wales helped shock the clams. Lord Dusen- 
 bery boiled the lobsters, the U. S. minister 
 fried the claims. The brave boys presented 
 Mrs. Whale with an American flag which 
 she carries at her masthead. She also car- 
 ries a large cannon for protection. She is 
 getting to be a very heavy fish. 
 
 Mrs. Whale Lays Out a Park 
 She selects a location directly in her cen- 
 ter, runng back one quarter of a mile and 
 makes it wide enough to allow of an avenue 
 on each side 60 ft. wide. She constructed 
 a fence of fish bones of different kinds of 
 of fish fastened together with LePages 
 Liquid Glue and further reinforced wnth 
 fishes' teeth. At the entrance v.-ere erected 
 the jaw bones of whales taken from whales 
 8 
 
A private residence — Fishville 
 
J 
 
 200 years old. The key stones consisted of 
 a pearl from a Palestine oyster over 400 
 years of age. For protection at the foot 
 of the archways were secured goldfish ten 
 feet in length. The gates were made of 
 whales' teeth secured together in different 
 designs. The park sloped from the back 
 with a Greek theater on the slope and a 
 fountain in the center of the park. The 
 avenues were paved with fishes' scales, laid 
 in fish glue. Trees from all parts of the 
 world were selected by Mrs. Whale, she do- 
 ing her own freighting. They were set out 
 by prominent authors of all ages. I had 
 the pleasure of setting out a juniper tree 
 at the entrance to Mrs. Whale's pavilion. 
 Edgar Allan Poe sat out a weeping willow. 
 James Whitcomb Riley run to small trees 
 and bushes on country roads. Oliver Wen- 
 dell Holmes set out palm trees, and John 
 G. Whittier contributed cedars of different 
 9 
 
kinds. They each placed a copy of their 
 works in the trunks of the trees. I have 
 often see Mrs. Whale's grandchildren seated 
 in their grandmother's pavilion reading 
 Uncle Frank's Fish Stories. In the garden 
 Josh Billings planted a patch of cabbages 
 and Artemus Ward a lied of horseradish. 
 Chas. Dickens set out a variety of flowering 
 bushes. The Greek theater had a capacity 
 of 10,000. Every seat was upholstered with 
 plush. The stage would accommodate 4000 
 with all the ancient and modern conven- 
 iences. A pipe organ costing $25,000 was 
 installed, run by huge bellows operated by 
 porpoises. 
 
 There was in the center of the lake which 
 was situated in the center of the park a 
 fountain which was operated by spouting 
 whales. This was enjoyed so much by them 
 that it was always going. The distance 
 from the surface of the lake to the canopy 
 10 
 
(Mrs. W.) Once. (King) Did you receive 
 an education? (Mrs. W.) I received a very 
 little schooling. I attended the Fish Col- 
 lege in Boston according to my parents' 
 wishes but to my own dislike. Not feeling 
 like attending school one afternoon I took 
 a pleasure trip down the harbor and was 
 sunning myself outside of Egg rock. Along 
 came a school of mackerel. After watching 
 them awhile to allow them to grow fat, I 
 swallowed the whole school. Not feeling 
 well the next day I left college and returned 
 home much to the displeasure of my pa- 
 rents. That was the only schooling I ever 
 received. (King) Are you and your hus- 
 band living together? (Mrs. W.) We were 
 divorced 27 years ago. (iKng) Had you 
 any children? (Mrs. W.) One lot of 15. 
 (King) What kind of children are they? 
 (Mrs. W.) They are not all good looking, 
 12 
 
The Mackerel School of Scientific Fisheries 
 
p^^i^ 
 
 they are not inclined to work and are with- 
 out an exception good' feeders. My hus- 
 band never wanted to go with me anywhere, 
 but I was always wanting to go to grand 
 balls and social occasions, of all kinds. I 
 always attended the enaguration ball, used 
 to have my dresses made in New York 
 and the afternoon of the ball take a swim 
 up the Potomac and spend the evening in 
 front of the White house. My husband 
 would fall asleep a number of times during 
 the evening. I have danced with persons 
 representing all nations in the world. My 
 husband was once jealous on one of these 
 occasions of the King of Spain. I was 
 present at the ball given to Lafayette on 
 the occasion of his visit to the United 
 States. My dresses were made in Paris and 
 I employed 12 dressmakers at the time. 
 (The king tries to look careless but has a 
 kind of a financial embarrassed worried 
 look.) Lafayette sailed from France to 
 13 
 
America under my protection. I had the 
 pleasure of dancing with him and was intro- 
 duced to a number of his gentleman friends, 
 i have met them quite often since (king 
 looks unpleasant). (King) Have you a 
 good appetite? (Mrs. \V.) 1 like to eat 
 but am quite particular. 1 often serve 
 whole warmed whales hearts to gentlemen 
 callers. The king attempted to come on 
 board when Mrs. \V. shrugged her shoul- 
 ders, tilted her hat and shook her tiag at 
 masthead, backed away from the pier and 
 swam away to Alaska to obtain a cold shoul- 
 der fit for a king. 
 
 A Fish Story (A Littie Personal Experi- 
 ence) 
 
 I was aboard my launch one afternoon off 
 the coast of Catalina. 1 was hshmg over 
 the side with a strong line fastened around 
 my waste. I secured rive barrels of various 
 kinds of fish. Thej' were standing by my 
 14 
 
side and I went to sleep. The next I knew 
 I was being pulled over the side followed 
 by a barrel of tish. The sensation was quite 
 peculiar. Surrounded by falling hsh i sank 
 m very deep water. On the way down 1 
 cut my neck on a swordfish, my ribs came 
 in contact with a rock cod tish, fractured 
 my right arm in two places and landed head 
 first on a coral reef. The fish continued 
 to drag me until i came ashore in Los An- 
 geles Harbor. A surgeon was called and I 
 was carried to the city. I don't recall his 
 name at present although he has sent me 
 his bill a number of times since. He gath- 
 ered up what he could of my brains and put 
 them in a gallon glass jar. I preserved 
 them properly and presented them to the 
 museum in Exposition Park. This is what 
 it says on the label on the glass jar. One- 
 fifth of the brains of Uncle Frank, author 
 and house carpenter. I was all bunged up 
 and felt miserable for a month. 
 
 UNCLE FRANK. 
 
Don't be too fresh 
 Let the fish do that 
 You can use salt 
 
Mrs. Whale Produces Gounod's Oratorio of 
 The Messiah 
 
 Full bands came from all parts of the 
 world, including O'Flarity's Band of Dublin, 
 and the Japan brass band of Tokio, 300 
 members. There was a company of bag 
 pipers 200 strong. There were 100 harps 
 and the same number of Dulciners. There 
 were a large number of bass viols, some of 
 them made from large size tunas who had 
 died witli the colic. There was no end to the 
 number of ambitious fiddlers. There were 
 some instruments I did not know the names 
 pf, ancient and modern. Jacobs Harp was 
 quite prominent at all times. A steam 
 whistle chimes was installed as v/ell as a 
 chime of bells. The chime of bells always 
 rang at twilight the evening of each day. 
 I used to like to hear them play "Oft in 
 the Stilly Night." There were 40 bass 
 horns and 1300 cornets of different tones 
 with about as many trombones as could be 
 16 
 
wmmm^@^€^^^^^^^ 
 
 ^^ 
 
 
 
 
 i''* R n is 
 ^ f< M K '^ S ]« i«r 
 
 Haddock Building, Fishville 
 
operated on the stage without pushing 
 people over or off of the stage. However, 
 the stage was not crowded. 
 
 For officers, attendants, etc., for the occa- 
 sion a variety was provided. For ticket 
 agents at the gates monkeys were provided 
 that had only received a business educa- 
 tion. They served for their board. For pa- 
 trolmen about the grounds lions were em- 
 ployed and a few bears. It was not neces- 
 sary for the lions to carry billys or fire- 
 arms of any kind. They could overpower 
 any person without them. They did not 
 have to handcuff anyone, just make them 
 walk by their side. The bears were em- 
 ployed in cases where intoxicated persons 
 were found staggering about the streets. 
 If the persons did not proceed along to 
 the police station the bears would stand on 
 their hind legs and hug them. They would 
 also let them ride on their backs. For the 
 mounted police service large size tigers 
 17 
 
were provided and for parade occasions 
 giraffes and ostriches. There was always 
 a parade before the entertainment consist- 
 ing of a number of bands while sometimes 
 the soloist, leaders and big guns of all kinds 
 would ride in automobiles. It did look 
 grand to see a procession headed by a squad 
 of giraffes and ostriches. In case of a dis- 
 turbance the tigers could ride down any 
 kind of crowds and they were good to clear 
 the streets at any time and make the people 
 stand back when necessary. The chief of 
 police had a zebra of good proportion and 
 very nicely striped. He made a very im- 
 posing appearance. 
 
 In place of having to request the ladies 
 to remove their hats a number of monkeys 
 were employed to jump from seat to seat 
 and remove them for them. Kangaroes 
 were employed to furnish drinking water 
 to the audience. They carried the water 
 in their pouches. It was the design of Mrs. 
 18 
 
Whale to produce the Iltrovato oratorio 
 to test the capacity of the orchestra, etc. 
 Twelve anvils were provided and 12 ourang 
 to use any weight of hammers and the an- 
 vils would ring some when those hammers 
 came down. Mrs. Whale had cannons on 
 hand for self protection at all times. The 
 leader of chorus and orchestra was Carl 
 Von Hans Haberkacherzer, a man seven 
 feet in height. He used a very nicely made 
 whale bone for a baton. The lady soloists 
 names were Madam La Augustine Lafrance, 
 Madam Charlotte Maud Dupont, Madam 
 Carlisle Phobe Esterbrook, Madam Kate 
 Cathrine Mulleganey and a large number 
 of others. I will not attempt to name the 
 gentlemen soloists, although I have all of 
 their autographs. I had an awful lame arm 
 carrying around a large size autograph 
 album. Had to carry it in a sling at one 
 time. I used to attend the rehearsals on in- 
 19 
 
*«»^se»«*«3«l^^ 
 
 Sun Fish Euildi::. 
 
 Jt?«it»§it-iSJ^ifif?gitif?Sif% 
 
vitation of Mrs. Whale. They were won- 
 derful and stunning. How my ears would 
 ring evenings after a day's rehearsal. 
 
 When that orchestra and chorus was in 
 full swing there was something doing and 
 Mrs. Whale would bring her flippers to- 
 gether in a way that you could hear some- 
 thing. The day arrived for the great event. 
 The people began to arrive at daylight 
 from everywhere under the sun. The loca- 
 tion was thought to be best on the New 
 Jersey water front, as a central point for 
 all people, animals, fish and all kinds of 
 attendants. Mrs. Whale spent a number 
 of days beforehand bringing invited guests 
 and deadheads. A residential district as 
 well as a hotel and boarding house district 
 was established. Mrs. Whale did not at- 
 tempt to run any of these things. She had 
 too much on her flippers. Of all the bow- 
 ing, scraping and hand paw and flipper 
 20 
 
shaking there never before was such an ex- 
 hibition under the sun. Mrs. Whale had 
 to take a rest before the opening chorus. 
 The parts were well rendered and well re- 
 ceived until it came to the Hallellujah 
 chorus. Just as they struck the grand 
 scream Mrs. Whale happened to think how 
 funny the ourang outangs had always 
 looked when operating the anvils and 
 opened her mouth to laugh when there was 
 a rush of wind that came out and started a 
 hurrycane that swept across the country at 
 a furious rate, blowing down buildings, up- 
 rooting trees and doing all kinds of dam- 
 age. It finally crossed the Amazon river 
 and blew a baby carriage containing a baby 
 into the river. An alligator immediately 
 seized it and was so taken with it that it 
 wanted to adopt it. For fear that it might 
 be kidnapped it swallowed it. After having 
 done it it was so lonesome it shed bitter 
 21 
 
tears and in such a quantity that it raised 
 the river two inches the entire length. A 
 rather sad ending to the oratorio produc- 
 tion. Mrs. Whale was quite sad. A number 
 of suits for damages by the hurricane were 
 brought against Mrs. Whale. She employed 
 a few lawyers and a retired judge as chief 
 counsel to conduct her defence. They put 
 their heaos together and had their brains 
 weighed. The combined weight was 113 lbs. 
 This was the substance of their defence. 
 According to the evidence millions of dol- 
 lars damages were done but no more than 
 outangs to operate them. They were able 
 is often done. Nature produces hurricanes 
 and the cause of the start cannot always 
 be explained. According to Mrs. Whale's 
 make up and the unusual pressure brought 
 to bear upon her nature asserted itself and 
 it was absolutely necessary that she should 
 breathe. The court dismissed all suits. 
 22 
 
The board of lawyers charged large sums 
 for their services and agreed to take their 
 pay partly in money and partly in fish. The 
 gate receipts amounted to $1,000,000. The 
 expenses vyere never reckoned but went into 
 her expense account. 
 
 A True Fish Story by which I Received 
 Some Experiences 
 I took a notion to enter the business of 
 raising fish and constructed what I thought 
 were proper ponds, tanks and other appli- 
 ances adapted to the business. I even 
 constructed a trout book. The outlay cost 
 me 600 dollars. I haven't much money, be- 
 ing a second rate poet I installed an ice 
 plant and am able to cool the water in one 
 apartment in order to raise salmon. I had 
 a desire to have apartments for raising wal- 
 ruses in order to raise walrus meat, because 
 I thought walrus meat would have a ready 
 sale at a high price, but it was beyond my 
 23 
 
means. My first venture was raising mack- 
 erel. I secured a quantity of spawn and 
 put it in an apartment and awaited the re- 
 sults. They hatched in great quantities. 
 They were rather crowded but I fed them 
 strong and I caught thousands of them. I 
 sold them all to neighbors for 50 cents 
 apiece. I made enough in that one ven- 
 ture to pay for the entire plant. I never 
 did as well afterwards. I stocked my trout 
 pond, to which was connected a trout brook 
 with a walk on each side the whole length, 
 I spent a great deal of my time trout fish- 
 ing. The steps I have taken up and down 
 that brook are startling to think about. I 
 used to catch a number of them. When I 
 caught a fine speciman I always invited a 
 poet to take dinner with me. I never caught 
 one weighing less than twelve pounds. The 
 poets always claimed that fish made brains 
 and v/ould stuff themselves accordingly. 
 24 
 
wm- wmmmm^mmmm^m^ 
 
 Then after each meal they would entertain 
 me with their choicest effusions. I never 
 would let them pay me anything, so they 
 would give me a copy of their works. I 
 caught a large number of trout, entertained 
 a great deal and have an unusually large 
 library. One day I caught a trout that 
 weighed forty-eight pounds. I gave a din- 
 ner to all the fat men with whom I was 
 acquainted and invited a comic story writer 
 as well as a comic poet. You should have 
 seen the men enjojnng themselves. After 
 stuffing themselves to the limit the comic 
 writers would read selections for their bene- 
 fit. They would laugh and laugh and then 
 laugh some more. I enjoyed it myself but 
 it was awfully expensive. Somehow or 
 other I was always behind in my affairs, 
 and not being a very noted poet my income 
 was not very large. There were no end of 
 presents, so when the time came around to 
 25 
 
 ^Sll^S#lS^StStSt^»$^^rS 
 
g?^5C2C«€«€S€!!S2€«€S€?€5€SS!!€ 
 
 report for the iiic(;nie tax assessment J had 
 nothinj< to rcp<jrt, J may liave exaf4gerate<i 
 in this story, but if 1 have excited your 
 ima^^inatiun or hurt y(jur feelings in any 
 way kindly for{<ive me, remembering 1 have 
 had an expensive experience. 1 used to 
 enjoy myself watching the fish. There were 
 some bullfrogs in the ponds that 1 used to 
 like to hear uttering the deep guteral sounds. 
 Always they seem to me to be saying, 
 "l^addy got drunk." That was what I was 
 told when a boy that they were saying. 1 
 asked one of them why they were always 
 saying the same thing. He said people 
 generally did not know what they were say- 
 ing. There was really more to it. Paddy 
 not only got drunk but was always drinking. 
 So much so that he had the delirium 
 tremens and would rave nights and couldn't 
 sleep. As a better excuse for his sleepless- 
 ness he used to say that he couldn't sleep 
 26 
 
 imm^mm^^^mm^^^^^^ 
 
i^i^J^^^^^^^i^^^^^l 
 
 Ijecause he was thinking so much. Some- 
 times the frogs would join in the expression, 
 "Paddy got drunk" (connecting line under- 
 stood between them) "couldn't sleep nights" 
 because he thunk. 
 
 ri^& 
 
THE ROYAL FISH MONGER 
 
 This story was told me by Mrs. Maro:aret 
 Haddock of New Bedford, Mass. She was 
 quite a large lady who prided herself on 
 her ability to keep summer boarders — to 
 provide for their comfort and accommoda- 
 tions and prepare the most wonderful 
 dishes, better than other peoples, without 
 any question. She once told me that the 
 secret of cooking was not confined to the 
 articles used but depended mostly on the 
 person's skill in preparation, the propor- 
 tions used and said that in her experience 
 of thirty years in the article of cake alone, 
 no matter what the kind, she never made 
 a loaf that contained over one egg, and 
 sometimes only a portion of the white was 
 used. 
 
 Among the persons who came to her 
 was a Miss Hake of a quiet, retiring na- 
 27 
 
Residence of the general-all-around-man 
 
ture; while Mrs. Haddock was forceful, 
 Miss Hake was of an opposite nature and 
 desired to be by herself. She spent the 
 most of her time on the grounds in the rear 
 of the hotel swimming in the brooks and 
 pools enjoying the shade, the sun baths, 
 etc., while Mrs. Haddock made fish balls, 
 clam chowder, chicken pie, fried fish, etc., 
 the best in the world. This was the cir- 
 cumstances one day when a man came to 
 the door and called for Miss Hake. He 
 was shown mto the premises by a servant 
 named Geo. Black Bass, a pompous indi- 
 vidual who considere himself as useful to 
 ever3'body's existence, accordingly word 
 went around the hotel "Miss Hake wanted 
 by a gentleman." Now this was not en- 
 tirely agreeable to Miss Hake, but not en- 
 tirely to her dislike. She was forty-five 
 years of age, had made the acquaintance 
 28 
 
of a large number of male inhabitants of 
 different localities and was still single with 
 no visable means of support. To have 
 it noised about the hotel that a gentleman 
 wished to see her was a cause of much 
 satisfaction to her while at the same time 
 there were there ones whose attention she 
 had refused. 
 
 Miss Hake expressed her willingness to 
 entertain him on the back veranda by the 
 running brook. He announced himself as 
 the royal fish monger, his employers as 
 well as his patrons being royal personages 
 from all contries. His territory was along 
 the New England coast and he was known 
 from the far east coast of Maine to the 
 aristocratic localities of New Jersey. His 
 special mission at this time was to obtain 
 for the son of a certain king, an agreeable 
 companion, not with the view of matri- 
 29 
 
mony altogether, but for his pleasurable 
 existence as well as her helpfulness to him 
 in many ways. 
 
 Mrs. Haddock claimed that she had 
 known the royal person in this case and 
 was delighted to be in a position to recom- 
 mend them to each other, not that she was 
 a match maker at all but wanted to oblige 
 her acquaintances at all times and make 
 herself of use in the world. Miss Hake 
 made herself very agreeable, gliding about. 
 As to his reputation he had made himself 
 so successful in his vocation he had re- 
 ceived numerous presents of all kinds, 
 among them specially made kitchen uten- 
 sils, carving knives of special designs, with 
 carved handles of elegant workmanship; 
 souvenir vases, and silver ware which she 
 could expect if she once entered such so- 
 ciety. She reclined on the bank of the 
 30 
 
brook and came very much interested. He 
 said that he thought from her personal ap- 
 pearance which suggested an agreeable dis- 
 position, that it would be only necessary for 
 him to present her to him. In her eager- 
 ness she unbosomed herself to him and 
 said: "Do you really think that if I should 
 without any reserve give myself to him to 
 be under his protection, he would gladly 
 receive me with pleasurable acceptance hav- 
 ing our mutual happiness in the future the 
 object in view." He answered her: "I think 
 that if vou should lay bare to him your lov- 
 ing heart he would accept it and I would 
 be w^illing to do anything that I could to 
 promote the matter." At this time he put 
 his ear to her breast and said her heart 
 was a most wonderful one beating very ac- 
 curately. He exhibited at this time a two 
 hundred dollar carving knife of a peculiar 
 shaped point and in his eagerness to press 
 
his case began to touch Miss Hake with 
 it to show her what could be done without 
 pain. In the eagerness of the occasion he 
 pierced her sitje near the region of the 
 heart. With the instinct of her kind she 
 gave a quick start, a sudden glide, a quick 
 turn and was away down the brook out of 
 the premises and was so frightened that 
 she continued to the Missippi river, swam 
 the whole length as well as the Missouri, 
 Ohio, Hudson, over Niagara Falls, the St 
 Lawrence, Amazon, Nile and numerous 
 other rivers. 
 
 A missionary acquaintance of mine in- 
 formed me that he saw her once on the 
 east coast of Africa headed south. I af- 
 terward learned that she received a swim- 
 ming license. She was recommended to 
 the Allied Societies of the Navies of the 
 world by the wife of the President and 
 became a valued adjunct. 
 
She was employed as a locator of bombs, 
 vessel destroyers, of all kinds, also a loca- 
 tor of submarines. She was proivded with 
 a wireless outfit and became verv valuable. 
 The last I heard of her she had her life 
 insured for fifty thousand dollars and was 
 still swimming and although she received 
 her living from the briny deep she received 
 a monthly salary from the Allies and is 
 opposed to the opposite sex. She believes 
 in democracy and is opposed to royalty. 
 She says she is going to swim from now 
 on and eternally. 
 
THE MINNOW 
 
 A sweet little fish is the minnow 
 I've known it when but a day old 
 
 I don't mean sweet to eat, 
 
 When it's been fried and is cold. 
 
 But when it comes to the surface, 
 And I throw it a crumb of sponge cake, 
 
 It always smiles and says to me, 
 It is better to give than to take. 
 
 A codfish entered my kitchen, 
 
 Totally against its will; 
 Some person had cut off its head. 
 
 And did it with very much skill. 
 
 He cut it otherwise also, 
 
 So much so its feelings were hurt, 
 But we all liked the stuffing so muchly, 
 
 We declined having any dessert. 
 
s^t^sl§tst^^[§l^ 
 
 FISH DELIGHT 
 
 I love to see the fishes glide through waters 
 clear, 
 
 Their swinging tails on shining hinges set 
 And hear the croaking bullfrog near, 
 
 While on the wet and mossy bank 1 set. 
 
 I love to see the tuna flop his flippers, 
 Electric trout shoot up the running brook, 
 
 And watch the ever restless nippers, 
 While I read a charming book. 
 
 I like the fish all nicely fried, 
 Extracted from the crystal deep, 
 
 And get the pleasing taste inside, 
 Then eat too much and go to sleep. 
 
 ^^^^i&^^^^^^i^^m^^ 
 
3300 IKS BY 
 
 Uncle Frank's Fish Stories 
 Uncle Frank's Poems 
 Spice Soap 
 
 Please Be Good Series A 
 
 Series B Miscellaneoits 
 
 Nonsense with Observations and 
 Conclusions by Uncle Frank 
 
 ( IN PRCPARATIOM )