f 
 
PS 3509 
 
 •^^ ^^ hi 1912 by ALEX EBIN. i 
 
 1912 ' 
 
 Copy 1 
 
 — "MARRIAGEABLES" 
 
 A FARCICAL COMEDY 
 From Modern Life In New York — In Three Acts 
 
 By ALEX. B. EBIN. 
 
 Author of "Arbitration," "Roosevelt," "Portia in Politics," "Fedia," 
 "Opportunity John," Etc. 
 
 / 
 
 CHARACTERS: 
 
 1. CHRISTINA-MESUMEN-LAWTON, Widow Age 45 
 
 2. LOUISE-REIZEND-LAWTON, Her Daug'hter A^e 22 
 
 3. MAXIE-LEBEDIG-LAWTON, Her Son Aged 18 
 
 4. BELINDA FROELICH, Their Colored Servant Age 35 
 
 5. TOPSY, Their Dog Age 2 
 
 6. ROBERT EMERSON, an American Actor Age 30 
 
 The action of this play takes place in Mrs. Lawton's Harlem Flat in 
 New York, Spring of 1910, at the Time of the Actor's Fair. 
 
 First Act— About 6 P. M. on a Monday. 
 Second Act — Afternoon of the next day. 
 Third Act — Evening, the day following. 
 
 "A laugh at everything and a kind word for everybody." 
 
MARRIAGEABLE 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 Mrs. Lawton's apartment in Harlem, New York. 
 
 The interior of a modern flat with all the latest improvements. 
 
 The stage is diviided into three parts, or rooms, differing from 
 ■each other in decoration and purpose of use, but there are no 
 dividing doors, only draperies and partition.* at both ends. 
 
 Dining room right, papered in red, woodwork and whitewashed 
 walls above. Next to it is the library papered green, with man- 
 tlepiece C. and ornamented bookcase, furniture to match. 
 
 Adjoining the library is the alcove with door at extreme right, 
 leading into two adjoining narrow halls : one R. leading to the 
 interior rooms, the other to the outside stairway and Maxie's 
 room. Through the open, drawn curtains, the alcove is only 
 partly visible. 
 
 In the dining room and library the doors are at extreme left, 
 leading into the interior hall of the flat. 
 
 On the right of dining room a door leading into the kitchen, 
 which door is only partly visible. 
 
 The Dining room furnitfire and decorations consist of table 
 centre and four chairs near walls. A sideboard with silver and 
 cut glass on the right. 
 
 A chandelier of combined electric light and gas fixtures above 
 table centre. Electric button on wall near door, left. 
 
 A display of ornamental plates and crockery on the wood- 
 work all over the room. 
 
 In the library a writing desk on the right with chair near by. 
 On the desk a telephone, large photograph of an actor in char- 
 acter costume near it, waste paper basket underneath. A few 
 portraits and small mirrors on the walls. 
 
 Through the partly drawn draperies of the alcove, the open 
 door leading into the adjoining halls as above is plainly visible. 
 
 The floors are of hard wood and polished. Rugs in good taste 
 in all the rooms. 
 
 Everything indicating the life of people who do not depend 
 upon boarders for meeting running expenses. 
 
 (©>Ci,D 30975 
 

 75^ "^^Oo ACT ONE 
 
 '7/^ As the curtain rises Belinda is discovered in the dining room 
 near centre of table, facing audience. Her age is about 35. She 
 is in good spirits, good humor, and in the best of health. She 
 has been employed for sometime by Mrs. Lawton and enjoys 
 the confidence of all members of this little family. 
 
 Humming a coon song, Belinda lays the table for three, walk- 
 ing towards sideboard from time to time and bringing all re- 
 •quirements of the table, which include table cloth, knives, forks, 
 •cruet, napkins, plates, bread and butter, milk, cream, etc. 
 
 Assuring herself that she is alone, she helps herself to some 
 cream, which she pours into a glass on table before drinking, 
 leisurely refilling the pitcher with water, [eying the milk pitcher] 
 de milk will stand some more water. 
 
 [Enter Mrs. Lawton] a good looking and well dressed, dig- 
 nified American woman of forty-five, a good and loving mother, 
 She carries near-sighted eye glasses on a gold chain, of which 
 she makes very frequent use throughout the play. Is good nat- 
 ured when obeyed, but easily irritated.] 
 MRS. LAWTON [Examining things on the table, sniffing the but- 
 ter, then examining the cream, critically]. The cream is watery. 
 
 [Noticing the milky glass, then lifting it suspiciously]. You look 
 guilty, Belinda. 
 
 BELINDA [Caught with the goods, nervously]. Am such dings to 
 be did by me? I guilty, no. . .no, mm, no. . .mm. . .dats just what I 
 isn't. The Janitor ain't no more as he used to was, an' what I says 
 am oil from de can Yeas! Mm... 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. The idea of dragging in the janitor. Hurry 
 up, and don't forget Topsy, the poor dog was almost starved yester- 
 day. [Consulting her watch]. It is after 5, the children may return 
 from the actors fair at any moment. 
 
 BELINDA. Yeas mam, yeas mm, Ian' sakes, I didn't know it was 
 so sune as dat ! [Complainingly, busying herself around the table]. 
 What a lot of time and money 'Miss Louisa have spent at dis heah 
 fair! [Thoughtfully]. Dem hectors and hectoresses ought to be able 
 to take care of demselves, dats w^hat I says! [Getting hold of the 
 pitcher of cream]. Yeas-mm. . .yeas-mm. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Adjusting the table cloth]. You are a goose! 
 It is a great thing this fair, and it serves a great purpose. .. [again 
 consulting her watch]. The children should be. here by now. I 
 smell the potatoes burning. 
 
 BELINDA. Yeas-mm, yeas-mm! [Exits, hurriedly]. 
 [Enter Maxie in out of door clothes, carrying hand-bag, opening 
 it and depositing on table, many articles, representing his immediate 
 purchase at the fair, including a fair programme, national flag, etc. 
 
4 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 He is a bright American boy of 18, unusually clever for his age, 
 kissing his mother, removing his overcoat, Mrs. Lawton assisting. 
 Maxies suit is of a striking material, showy anc^ stagy, whcih once 
 seen is never forgotten. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Inquiringly]. And where is Louise? 
 
 MAXIE [Playing with a fair medal in the lapel of his coat, then 
 nervously clutching the tablecloth] . She could not tear herself away 
 from. . . [Coughs] . . .a lady. . . [emphatically] an elderly lady, she has 
 met at the fair!. . . [Takes his seat at the table, left centre.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Right centre, handing him some tea]. Is the 
 fair still crowded? 
 
 MAXIE [Taking the tea, then drinking and helping himself to 
 bread and butter]. More than ever, jammed, jammed to the full 
 capacity of the 34th Street Armory. 
 
 ENTER LOUISE. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Ah here is Louise. [Louise is a bright, hand- 
 some young woman of twenty-two dressed in out of door hat and 
 coat. Her dress is the prize of the fair, won by her in competition, 
 displaying her well proportioned figure to great advantage.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Joining Louise, assisting to remove her over- 
 coat]. Maxie says the fair is jammed, you must be tired. 
 
 LOUISE [Kissing her mother]. Yes, mother dear! The fair is 
 still the attraction for beautiful ladies, beautiful gowns, and... wor- 
 ried men. [Removes her hat pins, hat, gloves, etc., then taking her 
 seat at table C. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Handing her some tea]. The worried men are 
 not the kind we are after. . 
 
 LOUISE [Taking tea]. Indeed not — mother dear. There were 
 enough of all kinds to pick and choose, so many attractions [thought- 
 fully] yet Maxie seems to have done nothing else but buy dried apples 
 from Lew Fields at the Country Grocery at one end and then go to 
 the other end and drink water at the soda fountain of the Fortune 
 Hunter. 
 
 MAXIE [Rather indignant]. I have employed my time and money 
 to better advantage than you did, sis. . . [Exits.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Watching Maxie off]. From what I hear, 
 that Fortune Hunter Stand seems the centre of attraction at the fair. 
 Speaking of fortune hunters, charity bazaars are certainly their 
 paradise. 
 
 LOUISE [Some bread and butter suspended in her hand]. Surely 
 mother, you would not have me rej ect a desirable acquaintance simply 
 because our first meeting took place at a — bazaar. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Meaningly]. Desirable acquaintances are always 
 welcome, but they are not easy to get. 
 
ACT ONE 5 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. Whom do you consider as desirable ac- 
 quaintances? 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Why, my dear, all the honorable professions, 
 lawyers, doctors, promoters, or playwrights, particularly the latter. 
 Yes, my dear, playwriting seems to have become the greatest of all 
 professions. Millions are paid out in royalties by managers annually 
 and they are run after more than any and all other professionals. 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. Of course, your list includes actors as de- 
 sirable, actors and playwrights are practically the same. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Emphatically]. As you know my dear, I am 
 not prudish, but the actor is the only profession excluded from my list 
 of desirable marriageables. They live in their emotions and steamer 
 trunks and rest as they rush. 
 
 LOUISE. True their profession has its disadvantages. They that 
 live to please must please to live ; to breathe the very atmosphere in 
 which the character impersonated lived is not easy. But, mother 
 dear, the actor has the advantage of lying late in bed in the morning. 
 MRS. LAWTON [Sardonically]. The revenue from lying late in 
 bed will not keep a fly in clothes. What can the average actor sign 
 his name for? Few of them ever acquire a competence. . .nothing in 
 the world would ever induce me to accept an actor as a son-in-law. 
 
 LOUISE [On her knees, before her mother]. Mother dear, mother 
 darling. 
 
 AIRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. Get up, you foolish child, you will 
 spoil your best costume. .. [pause] .. .go and change your dress, my 
 dear, my mind is made up ! . . . 
 
 LOUISE [Sarcastically]. Why mother, darling... I have hoped 
 that at least your mind was your own. [Exits]. [The kitchen buz- 
 zer rings repeatedly, Belinda shows herself at the door.] 
 
 BELINDA [Grinning]. Dat dreadful butcher boy buzzes and 
 buzzes for his money ! . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Hunting her pockets]. Dear, dear, I mislaid 
 my pocketbook. [Pause]. [Noticing Louise's bag on table]. Ah, 
 here is Louise's bag — I can borrow from her. [Opening bag, taking 
 out some money and handing it to Belinda, but leaving pocketbook 
 open, watching for Belinda's exit. Finding herself alone she takes 
 out a closely written card from the bag, reading aloud] : 
 
 "Louise, Darling: 
 Together with the accompanying little token, I again offer you my 
 hand and heart. Wear it to-day and I will know. 
 
 Lovingly yours, Robert Emerson, Actors' Fair. 
 This is an eye opener!. . . [Her eyes fall on the large photo on desk, 
 — walks up to photo, taking it in her other hand and comparing the 
 
6 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 writing: "Robert Emerson, character actor, Care The Lambs Club." 
 Punching the photo] . 
 
 So, this is the fine old lady that detained Louise at the Fair every 
 afternoon this week and is also the mysterious sender of the flowers. 
 Only last night I dreamt that I was held up by a stage robber, and 
 to-day it is a terrible reality. [Calling] Louise! Louise! 
 
 [Enter Louise in changed, well-becoming dress.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Everything is as clear as ink. . .ou need not 
 tell me ... I know ... I know . . . the light first came to you when he 
 kissed you in the dark. [Sternly pointing to photo and letter in her 
 hands]. Surely, daughter, you will not put your finger in so loose a 
 ring. 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. I like it loose, mother. 
 
 MRS. LA'WTON. Don't forget. Miss, that you are my daughter, 
 while he is a nobody. [Irritated]. Oh, what fools young girls are! 
 [Tearing the photo into little bits and dropping into wastepaper 
 basket]. This is my answer to this member of The Exclusive Mutton 
 Club! I know all that I want to know about " Fly by the Night " and 
 actors of shoe string companies. 
 
 LOUISE [Disheartened]. There is no use appealing to you, you 
 never tried to help me, mother, never; anything I see you always let 
 me want; and now you are depriving me of the only good chance I 
 ever had ; you are really. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Determined]. You know, Louise, that once 
 I put my foot down, I stand on it . . . My daughter will marry a man 
 who is somebody, not one who is merely acting somebody. I am 
 your mother and to protect you is not merely my privilege, but my 
 sacred right. 
 
 LOUISE [Irritated]. What do you want, mother. . .You are not 
 going to kill me with your protection and 5^our rights ! One thing is 
 certain, you don't love me. 
 
 MRS LAWTON [Pleadingly]. It is because I love you more than 
 anything or anybody that I act as I do. Get this play actor out of 
 your head. .. [Pause] .. .Don't waste time on getting the coupon 
 when for the same effort, you can get the bond. I saw you looking 
 at other photographs of this fellow, where are they?... I want to 
 make a bonfire of them all while I am about it. 
 
 LOUISE [Haughtily]. If you want them, find them!. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Softening somewhat]. Don't think I am not 
 trying to help you. Only yesterday I bought a duck of a hat for you, 
 and when you marry the man of my choice, I will assign to you half 
 of my income. 
 
 LOUISE [Protestingly.] Indeed, mother, you shall make no such 
 
ACT ONE 7 
 
 sacrifice for me, and I will marry the man I love. [Moves her jaws 
 as if talking, unheard by audience.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Emphatically]. You will marry the man I 
 choose for you. [Handing Louise a morning paper with a marked 
 advertisement] read!... as to the actor and his photographs [emphat- 
 ically] I zmll find them. [Exits Mrs. Lawton.] 
 
 LOUISE [Alone, reading aloud, her eyes on ad.] As I thought, 
 another advertisement, list of professions and eligible professionals. 
 ■'Room, every convenience offered to Doctor, Lawyer, Promoter or 
 Playwright ; bachelors only [pause] ." Everyone knows these con- 
 veniences. She is not a mother, — she is a business manageress!... 
 Oh, the farcical tragedy of it all, the farcical tragedy of it all ! [De- 
 spairing — punching the paper and destroying it — as she exits.] 
 
 ROBERT [From hall up stage]. Is Aliss Lawton in? 
 
 BELINDA [From hall as above]. Yeas sir — she am, she am 
 sir! [She accompanies Robert to the dining room door until his eyes 
 and those of Maxie meet]. Lovely mornin' we is havin' dis after- 
 noon, lovely mornin. [Departs to the kitchen.] 
 
 [Robert is a gentleman about 30, smooth face, refined, perfect 
 features. His attire, a jacket suit, is in accordance with the latest 
 fashion. Gloves and hat in left, and coat on his arm.] 
 
 MAXIE [Shaking hands cordially]. Sister and I are awfully fond 
 of you, Mr. Emerson, you are so resourceful and all that, but 
 mother ... mother's views are entirely different. There has been a 
 slight domestic breeze, and mother threatens to forbid you the house. 
 ...you are not on her list of marriageables. . .You are only an 
 actor!. . . [Enter Louise, carrying some roses, which she places on the 
 table.] 
 
 LOUISE [Greeting Robert distantly — placing roses in a vase]. 
 Maxie is right; mother is terribly prejudiced against you and your 
 class. 
 
 ROBERT [Passionately. Coming up close and getting hold of her 
 hand]. I shall never, never give you up, never! You are everything 
 to me, everything! 
 
 LOUISE [Freeing herself, handing him a rose]. It is very kind 
 of you. . .Robert. . .but. . .all the same, I am afraid. ..You see 
 mother. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Disappointed — placing rose in his buttonhole]. Then 
 everything is off, and I can't marry you after all... You don't want 
 to see me. 
 
 LOUISE. Not happy to see you [embracing him]. I will prove 
 it to you [kisses him]. 
 
 ROBERT [Kissing her in return]. To me heaven is where you 
 are, darling. I see before me nothing but your face. I love you. 
 
8 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 Louise, love you more than anything, everything else in the wide, 
 wide world. 
 
 LOUISE. But my dear Robert, mother is frightfully prejudiced 
 against actors. [Picking up from floor the torn pieces of newspaper 
 and showing them to him.] You are not on mother's list of profes- 
 sionals; she will not consent. . .and what mother says goes. 
 
 ROBERT [Turning around and noticing the torn parts of his 
 photo in waste paper basket] . Too bad . . . but is there no way out 
 of it? 
 
 LOUISE [Earnestly]. None, and if she sees you in her present 
 frame of mind I fear something terrible will. happen!. . . 
 
 MAXIE [Knowingly]. Mother is ransacking my room for actor 
 photographs, which she says she must have and destroy. [Pause.] 
 I have not seen her in such a furry ever since Stegliz, her stock 
 borker, had her in a corner and squeezed her . . . 
 
 ROBERT [Distracted]. Am I to give up all hope of marrying 
 you, Louise, Louise? 
 
 LOUISE [To Robert, meaningly]. No, no! Whatever happens, 
 I love you, and if she wouldn't give me to you, you will kindly take 
 me all the same. [Pause.] But you had better go — mother must not 
 see you today. 
 
 IMRS. LAWTON [Calling from adjoining room] . Maxie ! Maxie ! 
 
 MAXIE [Excitedly]. Presently, mothre, presently! [To Louise, 
 excitedly]. Mother is in my room and the door is open; he can't go 
 out without being seen by her, yet mother must know absolutely 
 blooming nothing. 
 
 LOUISE [Distracted]. This is awkward. . .It's breaking my 
 heart ! 
 
 ROBERT. Mine is already broken. ..Something must be done. 
 
 LOUISE. And quickly ! 
 
 MAXIE [Inspired with a new idea]. Pretend to be something or 
 somebody else. ..You are an actor; this should be easy to you, and 
 she has never seen you, except your photo with the beard on, in the 
 "Three Twins." 
 
 LOUISE [Taking kindly to the idea]. Impersonate a lawyer. . . 
 
 MAXIE. Or a promoter. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Critically]. Lawyers and promoters are not in your 
 mother's line. She will make me move at once, and I am particularly 
 anxious to stay on and get nearer acquainted. 
 
 LOUISE. Wait, I have it— a doctor ! 
 
 MAXIE. Yes, this is fine. [His hands to his stomach.] I have 
 taken sick, and if Dr. Emerson would only live up to his professional 
 reputation ... 
 
ACT ONE 9 
 
 ROBERT [Proudly]. Leave it to me. [Clinching his fists.] I 
 am waiting for you, my future mother-in-law... 
 
 (MAXIE dances about the room displaying his fine spirits, in antici- 
 pation of the good treat in store for him.] 
 
 LOUISE [Interrupting; noticing in the mirror that Mrs. Lawton 
 is returning]. Mother is coming; quick, Maxie, quick ! [Robert gets 
 hold of Maxie's hand as Mrs. Lawton enters.] 
 
 ROBERT. Do you get me, Steven? 
 
 MAXIE. Sure, Michel ; I am wise, / am zmse. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Not a trace of the photographs anywhere. 
 [Noticing the srtanger holding Maxie's hand and examining his pulse.] 
 Who is. . .What is this gentleman? 
 
 LOUISE [Introducing]. This mother dear, is a doctor. . .Doctor 
 Foolthem. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Inquiringly]. Is he a Doctor of Divinity, a 
 Doctor of Law, or a Corn doctor ? 
 
 LOUISE [Gaining courage]. A doctor of medicine!. .. [Pointing 
 to Maxie.] Maxie has suddenly developed serious stomach trouble 
 and. . .1 have telephoned !. . . 
 
 MAXIE [Puting his hair up and standing in grotesque position, 
 his hands to his stomach, growling]. Oh, I, oh, oh, I oh!. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Eyeing Maxie; then to Louise approvingly]. 
 Quite right, my dear, a stitch in time saves nine. 
 
 ROBERT [Sternly, with the air and dignity of a professor; 
 squeezing hard Maxie's hand, making him jump]. You have sent 
 for me just in time. . . [Removing Maxies' coat and vest, then knock- 
 ing him about. Placing his ear close to Maxie's chest, listening to 
 the beating of his heart.] 
 
 (While Robert examines his heart action, Maxie relieves Robert of 
 his watch and all other small articles in his waistcoat pocket.] 
 [Picture..] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. How is it possible, if I may ask, for a down- 
 town physician to understand a Harlem indigestion?... 
 
 LOUISE [Gaining confidence]. The doctor is also a resident of 
 Harlem, not far from us... this, mother dear, is the famous Doctior 
 Foolthem, the distinguished scientist, who is so thoroughly indepen- 
 dent in his methods of treatment. . .Broken bones unite at the sound 
 of his voice, and disease loses its force in his pre-eminent presence. . . 
 He has carefully and thoroughly diagnosed the case. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Curtsys]. I am sure we are very fortunate in 
 obtaining the services of so eminent a celebrity. 
 
 ROBERT [Bows]. Thank you, thank you, madam!. . .Your son 
 is an impatient patient, but I instanlty put my finger on the direct 
 cause. [Pause. Placing his pencil, Avhich looks like a thermometer 
 
10 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 on Maxie's neck, then examining it, as if taking his temperature.] 
 Ah, madam, your boy shall be treated as if he were the President's 
 son, and even if you don't act on my advice, I will consent to taking 
 my fee ! . . . 
 
 LOUISE and MRS. LAWTON [Together]. Thank you, doctor! 
 [Then Mrs. Lawton]. Tell me, tell me, doctor, you who are so 
 learned and skillful, what has he got? 
 
 Robert [Pointedly] . Money ! . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Dubiously]. Is his illness serious? 
 
 ROBERT [To Mrs. Lawton, placing himself in attitude extending 
 right hand] . Never give up hope until you have consulted me ; then, 
 then give up everything. Serious? No. [Reassuring.] It is quite 
 an ordinary case of scientific carving, an ordinary case of appendicitis. 
 [Aside.] Appendicitis with money! 
 
 MAXIE [His hands to his stomach, growling]. Hell Columbia! 
 An appendisawdust ! Oh, I oh, oh, I oh! an 2ip^&n.A\sawdust ! 
 
 ROBERT [Reassuring]. It is a matter of ordinary daily routine 
 with us. . .A little ether, a few cuts and your pocketbook is removed 
 [correcting himself], I mean his appendix! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Unnerved]. An operation, an operation? 
 Must it be an operation? 
 
 ROBERT. How well off are you? 
 
 LOUISE [Comforting]. A little chloroform will not hurt, Maxie. 
 
 MAXIE [As above]. Oh, I, oh!... Oh, I, oh! An appendisaw- 
 dust, an appendisawdust, and chloroform ! A nice business ! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Bewildered]. Chloroform!. . .Did you say 
 chloroform? - 
 
 ROBERT [Soothingly]. Yes, madam, chloroform has made modern 
 surgery painless ; nowadays to be operated upon is a luxury in sensa- 
 tion ! . . . People go to the operating table as they go to the opera — it 
 is the fashion ! . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Surprised]. A fashion in operations! 
 
 ROBERT [Reassuring]. Quite so! Your son shall be operated 
 upon in accordance with the latest fashion ! I guarantee it. 
 
 LOUISE [Consolingly]. Maxie has felt stuck up ever since he 
 first took a drink from a bottle of mucilage. [Pause.] I feel sure 
 that an operation will make another man of him, after all that stuff 
 has been removed and cut out. A week in bed will do him a world 
 of good! We can at least try it. . , 
 
 ROBERT [Seriously]. We must guard against blood poisoning, 
 and frankly, as a young physician, I need both the money and the 
 experience. 
 
 MAXIE. By all means let us try it. [Changing his expression 
 to that of gaiety.] I have always been looking forward to an opera- 
 
ACT ONE 11 
 
 tion and now I am glad it has come!. . .1 shall be delighted to be the 
 object of constant care and anxious attention. Above all, I will have 
 something to talk about ! 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. I don't see why Maxie should be operated 
 upon and I shouldn't. I want to feel that sensation of happiness, 
 that exalted peace and illumination which come to one during those 
 days when all the loving ones are around you, looking on you with 
 kindness and compassion. 
 
 xAlRS. LAWTON. Don't be foolish, child. [To Robert]. Perhaps 
 an operation is better than merely pouring medicine, of which one 
 knov's little, into a patient of whom one knows less. 
 
 j\lAXIE [Hand to his stomach, as if suffering from intense pain]. 
 There is one thing, I beg of you doctor — don't leave any articles or 
 instruments in the stomach. Don't by chance sew up your stetho- 
 scope, your watch, or even your sponges !... [Bending down.] It is 
 such a bore when people call on you for lost articles. . .you know. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Nervously]. Now, now, doctor, is an operation 
 really necessary? 
 
 ROBERT [Examining Maxie's heart action]. I guarantee that 
 once the operation is performed nobody will ever be able to prove 
 that it was unnecessary. [Emphatically.] I am your physician and 
 you have to trust me ; you have no other alternative. All the symp- 
 toms are at hand: a loss of appetite after eating, and he sleeps with 
 closed eyes, he tells me. 
 
 MiRS. LAWTON [Admiringly]. Ah, medicine is the greatest of 
 all professions. 
 
 iROBERT [Proudly]. Yes, rather. My cure as well as my medi- 
 cines are absolutely guaranteed. I guarantee to cure your son. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Encouraged]. Ah, doctor, you give me comfort, 
 reassurance — something to clutch at [pause], still, I confess, I am 
 somewhat afraid of the knife. 
 
 ROBERT [Firmly]. Believe me, madam, in all such cases the 
 knife is the real remedy — the only thing! When in doubt — operate. 
 The only operations I ever failed in were on the Stock Exchange. 
 
 LOUISE [Cunningly]. Doctor, you said ether; this, of course, 
 will necessitate the attendance of another physician. 
 
 ROBERT [To Louise]. Quite correct. [To Mrs. Lawton.] The 
 whole thing, everything included, will only cost you a hundred dollars 
 [pause] ; I will make an exception to my rule and pay the assisting 
 physician from my fee. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. This is generous indeed ! . . . Thank you, doctor. 
 
 MAXIE [Ashy pale, passing his hand over his face] . That stomach 
 pain is driving me crazy, if indeed I am not crazy already. [Replacing 
 hands to stomach as above.] 
 
12 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [unnerved]. ,[To Maxie, embracing him.] My 
 boy, my poor boy. [To Robert.] Save my son, doctor; save my son. 
 ROBERT. I knew perfectly well when I came here that I could 
 make better use of a hundred dollars just at present than your son 
 ever could of his appendix. Now, now [displaying a large carving 
 knife], when is this interesting little affair of ours to come off 
 [Pause], when do we blast...! mean operate. Shall we say this 
 evening ? 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Laboring under a great strain to conceal her 
 emotions]. Don't think for one moment, doctor, that I am prejudiced 
 or old fashioned ... I see very clearly that an operation is the very 
 thing and all that, yes — ^but just at the present the moon is in the last 
 quarter, while I want my son to be operated upon at the beginning 
 of the new moon ! . . . 
 
 ROBERT Sympathetically]. I don't blame you in the least. It 
 is a vital point and quite thoughtful of you ; it would be better, but 
 you must not forget that your son had his stomach in his boots as I 
 came in and his temperature [excitedly], his temperature was one 
 hundred in the neck !. Yes [pause], these things don't wait, you know ! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. I will pay you $200 if you save 
 my son without an operation [Breaking 'down]. Oh, doctor, doctor, 
 is there no other way? 
 
 MAXIE [Aside to Robert, his hand on his shoulder]. If you gtt 
 two hundred from mother I want half. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Searching for her pocketbook, finally finding 
 and opening it, handing some bills to Robert]. And here, doctor, 
 here is $100 on account. 
 
 ROBERT [Taking the money]. This is business. 
 
 MAXIE [Unperceived by Mrs. Lawton tries to take the bills away, 
 but is too slow for Robert, who pockets them. Then as his mother's 
 eye meets his] : Oh, I, oh! oh, I, oh! Oh, my appendisawdust ! oh, 
 my appendisawdust ! 
 
 ROBERT [Sternly to Maxie, using his lead pencil]. Let me see 
 your tongue, son, your tongue. 
 
 MAXIE [Placing his hand on his mouth as if about to vomit]. Oh, 
 doctor, doctor, no tongue could tell how badly I feel ! . , . 
 
 ROBERT [Using lead pencil as a thermometer, which he forces 
 into Maxie's mouth]. The temperature is very high. 
 
 'MRS. LAWTON, Oh, dear, kind doctor, please save my son. All 
 I have is yours if you will only save my son ! 
 
 ROBERT [Proetstingly]. No, no, my dear lady, two hundred is 
 quite sufficient. . .1 am a man who has a reputation to maintain, and 
 you will find that my charges are always reasonable. Say no more, 
 please, or I may get offended and make you take your money back. . . 
 
ACT ONE 13 
 
 [Bus.] [He clears the table, then grabs Maxie by the shoulder, plac- 
 ing him in a reclining position on the table as if the dining-room table 
 were an operating chair; lifting Maxie's arms and legs in turn, thump- 
 ing Maxie on the back, then reversing the position and massaging his 
 
 stomach [bus.] Let me see, Mrs. Lawton, have you a pump? 
 
 [Gets a bath towel and ties Maxie to the table, the latter struggling 
 violently to sit up.] If you make the slightest move during the oper- 
 ation 1 may never succeed in bringing you to life again. 
 
 MAXIE [Struggling to regain his balance and to sit down, moving 
 the towel from place to place] . Stop your courtesies — a stomach pump 
 and cold water — never, never, never! [Hands to his stomach]. Oh, 
 I, oh! Oh, my appendisawdust ! [Lifting himself up again.] I rise 
 to a point of order!. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Forcing him down]. Lie down again at the same 
 point! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. Maxie, this is going to cost me 
 two hundred dollars. Better lay quietly and do as you are told or 
 you will be cut up into little pieces. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Consoling, but holding Maxie down by the hair, nose 
 and chin in turn]. It shall be as you wish, son. [To 'Mrs. Lawton]. 
 We will try something else. Two hot water bottles and an onion 
 porridge three times a day, an hour or so before the pain comes on, will 
 do him a world of good, but [finding it difficult to hold him down 
 any longer] first he should undress and be put to bed — a good sweat 
 will do him a world of good. ..I may look in again later in the 
 evening. [Unties the towel and lets Maxie off.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Quite unnerved, accompanies Maxie to the 
 door] . 
 
 MAXIE [Protestingly]. To bed at this hour! By Jupiter, no, no! 
 [To Robert.] You go to. . . [Exits.] 
 
 LOUISE [To Robert, reassuring herself that they are alone]. You 
 did this quite well, my dear... I was almost afraid that you would 
 overdo it! [Pause.] Poor mother, she is completely unnerved; you 
 will have to reassure her before you go or it is us for a gloomy 
 evening. 
 
 ROBERT. I will! 
 
 LOUISE [Thoughtfully, her eye on the advertisement]. Suppose 
 you return later as someone or other [pointing to the ad] and try 
 to cheer us up. 
 
 ROBERT [Thoughtfully]. How large is the supply of packing 
 paper and twine in Maxie's room? 
 
 LOUISE [Reflectively]. Quite some! 
 
 ROBERT [Quickly.] Good. I will try! [Embracing her then 
 walking toward the hall entrance, stopping at Maxie's door. To Mrs. 
 Lawton] You must not disturb my patient, Mrs. Lawton, as you 
 
14 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 well know it is nature that performs the cure. He must have perfect 
 rest. Go to the dining-room and finish your tea. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Our tea is excellent. Will you join us, doctor, 
 for a bite of tea and a sip of cake. 
 
 ROBERT [Playfully]. I should love to; sorry a confinement cass 
 on hand compels me to refuse. I must keep close watch on mj 
 patients, or else they all get well . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Disappointedly]. Duty first. . .But will my son 
 get well, do you think? I am so worried. . .You have no idea [Inter- 
 rupted] . . . 
 
 ROBERT. My dear lady, do as I do— take life easy !... [Exit 
 Robert.] [Mrs. Lawton returns to the dining-room, joining Louise.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Quite unnerved]. I hope it will all blow over 
 without the necessity of an operation. It has knocked me off my 
 feet completely. [Street bell rings; Belinda answers bell, returning 
 almost immediately]. 
 
 BELINDA. Mrs. Baked Beans,, of Boston, our next door neigh- 
 bor, wanted to know what de growling was about [pause]. I ioY 
 her. . . 
 
 LOUISE [Cunningly]. One can't even be sick without your 
 neighbors poking their noses. . . [The hall bell rings again.] 
 
 BELINDA [From the hall]. Whom may you be, please, sir? 
 
 ROBERT. My card. [Enter Belinda.] 
 
 BELINDA [Handing card to Louise]. A funny guy called; he 
 am an houghter, a playwriter, hellevatin' de drammar ! . . . 
 
 LOUISE. Not so loud, Belinda, he could almost hear you. [Turn- 
 ing the card over to her mother.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Reading card]. "Mr. Lymon Stonebrick, Drama- 
 tist." I am all upset tonight on account of Maxie; tell him to call 
 some other time, some other time. [Belinda makes a movement to- 
 ward the door, Louise detaining her.] 
 
 LOUISE. Oh, Christmas ! This is not an ordinary professional, 
 mother; he is a playwright; you may never get another chance; you 
 may never. . . [Interrupted]. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. 'Perhaps you are right; they are scarce. [To 
 Belinda.] All right, I will come out presently and meet him in the 
 hall. 
 
 ■BELINDA. Yeas, m'm; yeas, m'm. [Is about to exit.] 
 
 LOUISE [Indignantly]. Such treatment for an author !... Ask 
 him in!. . . [Belinda exits and returns with Robert.] 
 
 BELINDA [As they are walking, sneezing and bowing]. Excuse 
 my appearance, sir, but dis am Monday, our washin' day. . .yeas, sir, 
 yeas, sir [grinning]. De aparment am furnished wid all sorts of 
 modern inconveniences, as mrs. will tell yer. [Cleaning her nose 
 
ACT ONE 15 
 
 with apron.] [Robert has a mustache and goatee on. His 
 clothes are the same as ■worn by Maxie during the previous act, a 
 very poor fit and easily recognizable, but his manner of speech as he 
 proceeds is direct, unaffected and engaging. In his left hand he 
 carries Maxie's umbrella, and under his arms are neatly tied up 
 bundles suggesting manuscript; other bundles of manuscript in his 
 right.] [Mrs. Lawton and Louise pretend to be busy in the dining- 
 room.] 
 ROBERT [Inquiringly]. What rooms have you? 
 BELINDA. We has two bedrooms; both is alike [pointing], 
 'specially de one on de right! 
 
 ROBERT. You seem to be v^eW informed. [Hesitatingly.] Is 
 madam a Christian? 
 
 BELINDA [Excitedly]. Oh, Lor, no — no, sirree! She am de 
 widow of a Congressman. .. [Confidingly.] An' let me tell yyer, she 
 am rich; she don't need no money — no, no. . .De apartment am nice, 
 de landlady nicer, an' [whispering] she 'as a daughter [kissing her 
 finger; noticing the glances of Mrs. Lawton and Louise; confused]. 
 From 'ere de rubarbs of de city can be seen and reached in no 
 time! — .[Introducing.] Mr. Lemon Stony-broke! .. . 
 
 ROBERT [Bowing to Mrs. Lawton while fidgeting with his bun- 
 dles, etc.]. My dear lady... I was sufficiently impressed with your 
 advertisement, the outward appearance of your beautiful apartment — 
 and — and — to warrant my venturing within. I am tired of living in 
 hotels and being the constant prey of chambermaids and bellboys. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Relieving him of his bundles, which she places 
 on table]. You are welcome, quite welcome. I am sure you will find 
 apartment life an agreeable change. [Introducing Louise.] My 
 daughter, Mr... Mr. [examining his card] Mr. Stonebrick, the play- 
 wright. [To Robert.] After you have inspected the apartment I will 
 show you our novel bathroom. 
 
 LOUISE [Pointing to his umbrella]. Is it stormy outside, Mr. . . 
 Mr?... 
 
 ROBERT [His eyes glued to his bundles, anxiously watching 
 them]. No, no... but I always take special care when I carry my 
 manuscripts with me. [Resting his chin on the handle of his 
 umbrella.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Encouragingly]. Quite right! Manuscripts 
 are valuable; they are literally traveling gold mines, in typewritten 
 covers, and are so very, very useful. 
 
 ROBERT [Playfully] . Useful ? Useful ? Oh, yes, sometimes ! . . . 
 [Lifting one of his manuscripts.] Only once has a manager seen 
 something useful in one of my manuscripts; only once [pause]. That 
 was when his stenographer placed a cheese sandwich between its 
 
16 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 pages. [His umbrella gets entangled in the tableclotrh and in the 
 process of disentangling it several things on the table as well as his 
 chair are upset.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Playfully; lifting the chair and assisting him 
 in straightening things out]. What kind of plays do you write, if I 
 may ask? [Motioning Robert to a seat.] 
 
 ROBERT [Sitting down]. My plays are intended to be screaming 
 farces 1 [Interrupted.] . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Admiringly]. Farces are the thing, you 
 know ! . . . An onion will make you cry, but no vegetable has yet been 
 discovered which will make one laugh . . . 
 
 ROBERT. No, no vegetable, but the tickling of a feather will 
 easily do it. Still, as I said, I strive to amuse and write farces. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Approvingly] . Quite right and very practical. 
 
 ROBERT. By the time I am half through with them they turn 
 into tolerable comedies, but when finished managers' readers generally 
 classify them as " Cryable Tragedies" and. . .and. .. [pointing to the 
 bundles] . . .cryable tragedies they are, I assure you. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. I see you are modest, your extreme 
 shyness is in reverse ratio to your great name. [Again consulting the 
 card.] Lyman Stonebrick, the great author. Stonebrick, Stone- 
 brick!. . .[Confidingly.] You know at a charity entertainment my 
 daughter once played in one of your delightful pieces ... I don't recall 
 whether it was in Lakewood or in Newport; all I remember is that 
 it was a fashionable affair, and that the playlet was very clever. . . 
 humorous and witty. . .the very thing we wanted — ^the very thing! 
 
 ROBERT [Bowing in acknowledgment]. You are very kind.. 
 [Giatefully.] Ah, little indeed does the public know what a long way 
 a few kind words go to make us authors happy. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. This is not a compliment; I am 
 only stating the facts, I assure you ! ... It was an awfully cute thing. 
 Louise just raved over it. [To Louise.] What was the name, dear? 
 
 LOUISE [Thinking]. Let me see [nudging Robert for assistance]. 
 
 ROBERT [Thoughtfully]. Either "Air Castles" or "Bubbles." 
 
 LOUISE [Pointedly]. "Bubbles," exactly! "Bubbles" was the 
 name!. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. You are right, dear. I recall it 
 distinctly and remember it perfectly now. [Proudly.] I have a 
 younger son who will be a great playwright some day [Pause] ; he 
 dresses exactly like you! [To Louise.] Doesn't he, Louise? 
 
 LOUISE [Meaningly]. Yes, quite the same; in dress you loolc 
 like brothers, only Maxie is too lazy to study. He generally averages 
 three vacations of four months each three times a year. ..No, no one- 
 will ever accuse Maxie of excess baggage by way of education. When- 
 
ACT ONE 17 
 
 he was little mother usually paid him money for being good; to-day 
 he is good for nothing. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Plaintively]. I am sure I offer him every 
 advantage ! 
 
 ROBERT [Earnestly]. Evidently he does not want to take advant- 
 age of his own mother. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. I am not a match making mother; 
 I know nothing about this thing, you know; but if it should happen 
 that my daughter falls in love with a playwright I shall indeed be 
 very happy. 
 
 LOUISE. There is so much about your art that I am just dying 
 to know ! What is your opinion on modern American art ? 
 
 ROBERT [Inquiringly]. American art!... Does it really exist? I 
 always thought that the busy American has neither the time nor the 
 inclination to form any views on art. He buys amusement as he buys 
 merchandise, or, let us say, eggs at a grocery. 
 
 LOUISE [plaintively]. True, we are an art loving not an art 
 producing nation. All we ask is that a play shall amuse. This should 
 be easy. 
 
 ROBERT. Amusement, like everything else in life, changes its 
 aspect and form. There is no guarantee that what amused us yester- 
 day will interest us today or entertain tomorrow. Plays which amuse 
 me personally would probably not pay for the lightning when produced 
 even at the rate of ten dollars a ticket. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Cordially]. This is our tea time and our tea 
 is fine. You will join us, wouldn't you ? 
 
 ROBERT [Gallantly]. Delighted! Delighted, I am sure. [Taking 
 out a card and writing hurriedly upon it.] Pardon me, a new idea 
 has just presented itself and I want to write it down whilst I think 
 of it. It is the finishing touch to my latest comedy, a creation sure 
 to make me famous!. . . [Mrs. Lawton regarding him with admiration 
 as he writes.] 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully; handing him a cup of tea]. Tell me, Mr. 
 Stonebrick, tell me, are your stage characters drawn from life? 
 
 ROBERT [Pointedly, taking the tea]. My characters are com- 
 posite types, the result of observation. I listen with my eyes more 
 than with my ears. I let my imagination work so that I see the 
 things I hear! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Sweetly; helping him with sugar]. What are 
 your methods ? . . . 
 
 LOUISE [A pitcher of cream in her R. ; a plate of lemon in her 
 L.]. What will you have — cream or lemon? 
 
 ROBERT. A little of each ! . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Pointedly]. What is your purpose in writing? 
 
18 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 ROBERT [Helping himself to lemon. Playfully; at his ease]. 
 Sometimes I write to make people feel and think, to awaken them to 
 .their responsibilities. Again, as often I write to make them escape 
 from thought and to forget their responsibilities. That is what farces 
 are made for, you know. 
 MRS. LAWTON [Approvingly]. Quite right. 
 ROBERT [Earnestly]. Sometimes I dictate to my characters, but 
 as often I am merely taking dictation from my characters. My watch- 
 word is always inspiration, but I am afraid that more often it is merely 
 indigestion. 
 
 LOUISE [Passing along the bread and butter]. What are your 
 methods of working out your themes? [Digging into his rib again, 
 unseen by her mother] . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. Yes, your methods? Define the 
 principles which govern you as a playwright in your choice of themes. 
 
 ROBERT [Eating]. I am governed, not by principles, but moods. 
 It comes to me unaccountably. Healthy playwriting is sane hallucina- 
 tion. The experienced writer can simulate inspiration, repeating ges- 
 -tures and copying tricks, hut it is never quite the same thing. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. But your methods of treatment. Surely they 
 are not inspired!. . . 
 
 ROBERT. You are right there — method i s different. I am 
 governed by the thousand and one conditions and considerations of 
 the theatrical mart, of which the box office end figures last but not 
 'least. 
 
 LOUISE [Summing up]. Speaking plainly, you take an idea, 
 think over and consider it deeply until you have something worthy 
 of portraying the idea; then you go to work on the plot. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Quickly]. Your plots, that's it!. . .How do they 
 formulate themselves ? 
 
 ROBERT [Laying aside his bread and butter]. Plot formulates 
 itself in obedience to types!. . .Each and every play has to be treated 
 differently and upon its merits, new problems requiring different hand- 
 ling and solutions. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON.. You should read all the new novels, it will do 
 you a world of good. 
 
 LOUISE [Passing the cake). Pardon me Mr. Author, are your 
 ideas suggested by the characters of your plays, or your characters 
 "by the ideas? 
 
 ROBERT [Taking some cake and breaking it into bits]. Both hap- 
 pen, generally the characters control the situations (pause) if they 
 don't bulk. When all is said and done, it is the trifles that make per- 
 fection, the little things, you know. Again, all the great love scenes 
 which people enjoy so much after dinner, are generally written before 
 breakfast. 
 
ACT ONE 19 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. It is all so very interesting. [Hand- 
 ing him an'other cup of tea.] The types and source of your plots and 
 inspirations, what are they? How much time do you spend on pro- 
 ducing a finished play ? 
 
 LOUISE [Helping him with sugar bowl]. Do you encounter any 
 obstacles in your work, and if so, what are they ? 
 
 ROBERT [Continues dropping sugar in his cup, one after the other, 
 tb their amazement] . These are pertinent questions ! 
 
 [Seriously]. Obstacles, of course there are obstacles. Without 
 method there is no progress, with it, everything else is comparatively 
 easy. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Passing the cream]. How do you write your 
 plays, how ? Come tell us ! 
 
 ROBERT [Taking cream]. My dear lady — ask Edison how he 
 makes his inventions, ask Carnegie how he made his money, or Mme. 
 Melba how she sings — it is so much easier to ask questions than to 
 reply intelligently. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Playfully touching him on the shoulder]. And 
 why should there be any difficulty in replying. . .[Coquetishly]. Ah, 
 I see, you don't care to let rank outsiders in. 
 
 ROBERT [Oears his throat]. Ask the eagle how and why it flys, 
 the nightingale how and why it sings, the hen how and why he pro- 
 claims the morning? Ask anybody how and why he does the work 
 that is given to him to do in this world. Like the needle to the mag- 
 net each is drawn to his special work and calling by natural forces 
 and is as powerless to resist it as you and I to stop the shining of the 
 sun. My plots come to me, that is all, and I write because I have to ; 
 I have seen sights and situations which have sunk deep into my heart 
 and soul and have' left their imprints, naturally all these impressions 
 are longing for expression. My pen writes to express ideas which 
 seem to me worth while, struggling after truth, striving to give the 
 public something whose basis is life. 
 
 LOUISE. Ah, playwriting is indeed a great profession, and the 
 modern stage a big factor in moulding public opinion. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Since managers are dependent upon playwrights 
 for their plays, playwrights as such practically rule the situation of the 
 country. 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. We are told that managers simply tumble 
 over each other to get hold of a good Mss. [Digging Robert in the 
 ribs, when she observes that her mother is not looking]. If the Mss. 
 of a poor play contains but one idea, the manager takes the author and 
 the idea. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Sardonically]. True, authors are being murdered with 
 attention, and the outlook for the modern American playwright is re- 
 plete with promise! If there is nothing today, what of it — ^there is 
 
»0 . MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 always a tomorrow — he is sure to land on his feet again, when his 
 soles wear out ! . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Smiling broadly]. I know you don't mean it. 
 An author who says managers don't read or consider plays sent to 
 them, doesn't know enough to write a play, at any rate, I am sure you 
 are not that man. 
 
 LOUISE [Approvingly]. You are right there, mother, managers 
 are looking for good plays as hard as they can, they all want them, 
 they all need them ^[pause], the play is the thing, you know. Any 
 man who can turn out even a half finished play has a great brilliant 
 future before him. 
 
 ROBERT. Yes, the authors future is always rosier than the present, 
 the eagerness of producing managers to obtain the Mss. of new 
 authors is aggravating and the codling, quite true, is something 
 awful!... 
 
 I wouldn't pay ten dollars for the best musical comedy Mss. in 
 which our experienced managers invest ten times ten thousand dol- 
 lars and make it pay. You see my point, the good play is an unknown 
 quantity. I feel that their productions are no plays at all and they 
 think the same and even less about mine. Again, authors are in love 
 with themselves, they have no rivals. Every modern author considers 
 himself superior to Shakespear, but his brother author, oh what a 
 bore!. . . [Enter Belinda, bringing a fresh silver teapot.] 
 
 BELINDA [Excitedly], Dat darn fool of a seltzer man lifted de 
 
 dumbwaiter way above our floor, ringin, ringin, ringin! I opens de 
 
 door an looks out an he bang, bang de dumbwaiter seltzer an all on 
 
 me poor 'ead! ,[Her hands to her head]... Oh me 'ead, oh me 'ead, 
 
 me poor 'ead. . . [Picture]. 
 
 LOUISE [Examining Belinda's head]. In the future, Belinda, take 
 
 •care. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Angrily]. Don't interrupt me again. [Motion- 
 ing to Belinda to withdraw, who exits with cold teapot] . [To Robert] . 
 It is all my fault, I spoil my servants. It was provoking to be inter- 
 rupted just when you were about to tell us. . .the secret of your song! 
 
 ROBERT [Shyly]. Characters interest me, people generally excite 
 my curiosity, as for the rest, you will excuse me I 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Coquettishly]. No ! no ! We will not take no for 
 an answer, come now ! . . . 
 
 ROBERT [Earnestly]. The real secret of modem playwriting cen- 
 ters around one thing only, the knack of getting what you have to say 
 over the footlights, everything else does not matter; these are all the 
 points of dramatic writing all in one — and one in all ! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Of the real secrets connected with your work, 
 you have said nothing. 
 
 LOUISE. You want to keep your little tricks of dramatic construe- 
 
ACT ONE 21 
 
 tion up your sleeve. . .keep us mere playgoers on the other side of the 
 footlights. . . [Nudging him] tell us ! How do you write your plays? 
 
 ROBERT [Protestingly]. As one of the public you should content 
 yourself with results. [Placing his hands on his bundles and count- 
 ing them as if they were in immediate danger of disappearing.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. Come tell us — we are simply dying 
 to know. [Getting hold of one bundle and is about to unwrap it.] 
 
 ROBERT [Taking away the bundles, quickly]. Well, then,,.. 
 Listen ... Entirely apart from studying my own subject very closely, 
 I see every play produced and study the market until I am convinced 
 that I know what managers want and how they want it. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. I see, you are a sly one!... This, of course, 
 makes it easy sailing for you. 
 
 ROBERT. Well, not exactly, after chosing the subject on which I 
 intend to write, I spend from four to six months of nerve racking on 
 the Mss., and finally it is finished, a new play, a favorite child of miy 
 brain is ready to see the light. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. And then?. . . 
 
 LOUISE. And then?... 
 
 ROBERT. And then, managers and their readers tell me that the 
 successes of last season could not be repeated this year, that entirely 
 new subjects and workmanship of a different character are essential. 
 They don't know what is really wanted, but they are quite sure they 
 don't want what I have to offer and another Mss. goes into the waste 
 paper basket, for that is all they are good for, you know, and another 
 year of strenuous life is charged up to life's loss account. 
 
 LOUISE [Sympathetically]. Possibly your plays touch the heart 
 through the mind while our managers want plays that touch the mind 
 through the heart. Ours is essentially a feeling public. Europeans 
 think, Americans feel [pause] . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. I have read in the papers that you cannot dovv^n 
 a good play! 
 
 ROBERT [Inquiringly]. And what is a good play? 
 
 In Second Street the public and managerial conception of a good 
 play is a page of Life, replete with conflict, which, as a rule, starts 
 after marriage or, let us say, at the Church door. The more loaded a 
 play is with long dialogues and a treatise on abstract philosophy, songs 
 and recitations, boisterous acting and over-exaltation of the actors in 
 their own lines, the more certain it is to carry over the footlights. 
 
 In Forty-second Street the desire for conflict may be the same, but in 
 all other respects the conception of a good play from the standpoint 
 of Managers and audiences, is diametrically the opposite. All conflict 
 must, as a rule, end at the Church door ; long dialogues never survive 
 the very first rehearsals, abstract philosophy, which does not bear di- 
 rectly on the case in hand, is not wanted; and no West End author 
 
22. MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 could be even accused of the attempt at untimely songs and unwar- 
 ranted recitations, nor a leading West End actor of laughing at his own 
 jokes. 
 
 Between the photo plays of Third Avenue and plays as represented 
 in the best artistic productions on Broadway, the distance is that of 
 thousands of years in artistic study struggle and developm.ent, yet there 
 is no dividing line, and the Third Avenue Manager is as persistent in 
 the carrying out of his ideas of a play as the West End Manager in 
 his. There is no ideal of taste, no other definite standard than the 
 amount of ready dollars behind a given production. 
 
 Like the public, authors and play readers, managers are generally 
 ignorant about the possibilities of a given play in Mss....The best 
 judgment a manager exercises is only based upon his experience of the 
 public's inexperience. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. If managers don't know, v*^ho does? 
 
 LOUISE. I would like to find the "nigger" in the fence ! 
 
 ROBERT [Earnestly]. The fact is that six youngsters employed 
 as readers by our managers, generally decide the dramatic fate of our 
 great country and less than eighty people supply the market for which 
 eight millions are aspiring. 
 
 Again, our stage is in the hands of the speculative showman, man- 
 agers conduct theatres for financial gain only; claims of art are not 
 admitted and the dollar sign alone is the recognized emblem of dra- 
 matic success. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. No ; this is not the reason. 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. What then?. . . 
 
 ROBERT, Here is another — Few men, if any, outside the author 
 are competent to judge the possibilities of a given Mss., least of all 
 our leading managers and 'their readers. They have seen so much 
 and read so much more that a joke which might appeal to the public 
 as broad enough to be carved with a knife will never call forth a 
 smile from them. To make a manager's reader smile, one has to 
 send for Jimmy Valentine. Believe me, madam, that until a play has 
 been in rehearsal for some time the only person who is enthusiastic 
 about it is generally the author — on the part of all others it usually 
 requires a great deal of confidence. . .A play practically does not 
 exist until it is put on. An untried authors prospects of success are 
 therefore in exact proportion to the number of his personal friends 
 who are willing to back him, without reading his manuscripts. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Protestingly]. No no, surely. . .What about 
 our experienced producers? - 
 
 ROBERT [Earnestly]. Study the market and you will find that 
 practiaclly no play which comes from men outside the ring gets a 
 proper hearing. The Mss. which are sold are the products of play 
 
 1 
 
ACT ONE 23 
 
 readers, stage managers or husbands of favored actresses, all other 
 Mss. are generally returned ! . . . 
 
 LOUISE. I am afraid you are one sided on authors. Managers 
 are compelled to consider only plays that meet with the requirements 
 of the particular stars under contract with them. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Plaintively]. Besides, my good friend, the cost 
 of mounting modern plays is great and the taking it off, if it is a fail- 
 ure, has to be carefully considered. A manager can't speculate 50,000 
 or so for the mere pleasure of pleasing a young author. 
 
 ROBERT [Triumphant]. I am not finding fault with individuals, 
 I am merely pointing out conditions. Playwriting is a hard and 
 dreary business at its best and a man who goes into it as a means of 
 livelihood is a darned fool. A man who gambles on the race tracks 
 risks one to five or one to ten, the playwright who gambles on his 
 Mss. as a means of livelihood, in competition with the other eight 
 million writers for the stage, risks a thousand times as much. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Her enthusiasm vanished]. Well I declare! 
 
 ROBERT. I am not complaining in the least I assure you. I 
 have been reading plays for fifteen years including most of the plays 
 which have been produced and made money, yet the only Mss. I was 
 ever tempted to invest in, if I had the money, are my own ! . . . Why 
 should managers think more favorably of my Mss. than I do of their 
 finished productions?. . . 
 
 LOUISE. Quite true! 
 
 ROBERT [Earnestly]. Nine hundred and ninety-nine out of each 
 thousand of men and women who write for the stage must look for 
 the reward in the work itself and find it in the doing. My plays are 
 always a success as far as I am concerned, but it is only on rare oc- 
 casions that they please others. For this reason I always keep my Mss. 
 on the mantlepiece near the fire, the only place where they are sure 
 to receive a warm reseption. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Relieving him of his cup]. I see, your profes- 
 sion is divided into two classes, successful dramatists, consisting of a 
 handful of men who earn a living from writing for the stage and 
 eight millions or so of aspiring playwrights who waste their time and 
 good money on what may be termed as worthless effort. 
 
 ROBERT [Nods in approval]. Exactly, as far as financial returns 
 are concerned. 
 
 [Belinda shows herself at the door, laboring under great excitement, 
 but afraid to enter.] 
 
 BELINDA. Axing your pardon, Mrs.mm, mam, axing your par- 
 Jon. .. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Angrily]. What did I tell you Belinda. . .didn't 
 
24 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 I tell you?. .. [Stamping her foot, as Belinda is about to reply.] 
 Hold your tongue, if you want to hold your job!. . . 
 
 BELINDA [Excitedly]. Oh, Mrs. Mme, mm, somethin awful, ter- 
 rible! Maxie's stomach, mam; it's been growin' bigger and bigger 
 [Showing with her hands its present approximate size]. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Quickly]. Dear, dear, dear. I should never 
 have allowed the Doctor to leave, I should have kept him here over 
 night anyway ! Oh God, how helpless one feels in all such cases with 
 no doctor around to scold. 
 
 LOUISE [Nervously]. I have a sick brother in the house [rising] 
 please excuse me [aside to Robert] ... Get into the kitchen Bob, the 
 washing blue is fine! [Kisses him, unnoticed by her mother.] 
 
 ROBERT [Picking up his bundles and umbrella in a great hurry 
 — apologetically]. You have my profound sympathy. ..I am the one 
 to apologize, excuse me, excuse me. . .1 won't bother you to show me 
 the room now, some other time, some other time. [Bowing to the 
 ladies, drops his umbrella and while picking it up, he loses a manu- 
 script, other Mss. drops to the floor as he picks up the first one, bus.] 
 [Exits right. Topsy heard howling.] 
 
 BELINDA [From the kitchen]. Topsy, Topsy, soft pedal! Eh, 
 dere! lookout for de washin blue, Mr. Houter, look out, look houtJ 
 [A noise of broken crockery soon follows — Topsy howling heard 
 again.] Watch your step, watch your step, Mr. Houter. 
 
 [Louise exits.] 
 
 ROBERT [From kitchen]. Oh, that dog! O, that dog! 
 
 [Enter Belinda.] 
 
 BELINDA [Excitedly]. Oh, me, Oh my, de playwrights raised 
 merry cane in de kitchen, broke his glasses an tumbled ober de tub of 
 washin blue, — smashin de table crockery and upsettin' de blue all over 
 de floor; gee wheeze, what a pickle. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Unnerved], Well, upon my word, goodness, 
 gracious, what an unlucky day, what an unlucky day. . . [Uneasy] 
 Is the gentleman hurt? Is he injured? 
 
 'BELINDA. No, no, he arn't, he only hurt his underspiner! But 
 de kitchen floor, de kitchen floor mam, has been turned into a river 
 of blue ! . . . 
 
 [Robert shows himself in the door, freeing himself from Topsy, 
 who hangs behind, holding on to his trousers.] 
 
 [Enter Robert, limping.] 
 
 [His broken eyeglasses hanging on his coat, the ends of his trousers 
 and coat, gloves, sleeves and shoes are covered with blue, his trousers 
 are torn near the knees. His Mss. are all wet and from them and the 
 umbrella, blue is dripping.] 
 
ACT ONE 35 
 
 ROBERT [Depositing Mss. and umbrella on the floor and sitting 
 down on chair in helpless position, nursing his left foot] . I am ruined ! 
 Oh, my sorrow is too deep for tears! [Snuffing]. Oh, my sorrow is 
 too deep for tears! [Picking up umbrella, placing it between his legs, 
 his 'hat upon it.] My sacred works and thoughts of a life time, like a 
 child's snowball and the Spanish navy have been completely wiped 
 out and vanished in a single careless moment! [Tragically.] My 
 dramatic career is ended! [Snuffing]. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Sympathetically. Throwing her handkerchief 
 to him]. Why ended, say it has only just begun, you certainly have 
 never looked more tragic [correcting herself] I mean dramatic in all 
 your life. 
 
 BELINDA [Offering 'him paper and pencil]. So you is, so you is, 
 sah, yeas sir, yeas sir [grinning] 'ere am a pencil, sir, an while your 
 'and am dryin', you may write wid your feet a new comedy [taking 
 in the picture, grinning broadly] . 
 
 ROBERT [Irritated, snaps his finger and lifts his right foot as if 
 about to strike] . Bah, a tragedy, perhaps, a tragedy ! . . . 
 
 ,[Topsy heard barking in the kitchen, Robert all excitement quickly 
 mounts the nearest chair, examining his legs and trousers]. Watho 
 she bumps ! Oh, oi, oh, that dog ! . . . Saying grace again ; Oh, that 
 dog! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Eyeing Robert contemptibly]. No siree, no 
 playwright for me!. . . [Eyeing in disgust the mess on the floor]. He 
 certainly has made an impression ! . . . 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
26 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 Act II. 
 
 Afternoon of the next day. Everything is the same as in the first 
 act, only in the dining room there are four [three long and one narrow] 
 patches of blue on the rug, where Robert's bundles and umbrella were 
 deposited at the end of Act I. 
 
 The dining-room table is laid for three. A newspaper L. C, chairs 
 near table R. L. and C. facing audience. 
 
 Belinda is discovered in the dining-room, putting finishing touches to 
 the room generally, a small rug and a rug beater in her hands. 
 
 The telephone bell rings. 
 BELINDA [Placing rug and beater on the nearest chair, taking up 
 telephone, holding the receiver at some distance from her ear.] 
 Dat ti'some telephone a ringin' again ... ring ! ring! ring! [Finally 
 adjusting the receiver to its proper position.] Whom am dar? Wal. . . 
 What are it?. . .Yeas!. . .Am I dar?... No, I'se not dar. [Excitedly] 
 I'se here, can't you hear, I'se here !. . .Yes, I'se all here !. . .Is I which? 
 Is I Belinda? Co'se I is. . .yeas,. . .it am, so it ami. ... 
 
 Yo' am Jakson ob de livery stable... is ye? Wei, wal, ... hollow 
 chief ! You was not at de watermillon patch last evening . . . No yo 
 was not at Maiden Lane. ..Wal, wal, Jee-ru-se-lem am to pay, an' I 
 ain't got no pitch !. . . [Pause] Did you say fowels?. . .yea — chickens, 
 roosters . . . fowels ! ... no ... no ... I thouglit you did ! . . . What . . . Dere 
 am no1x)dy in de world as nice as I is. . .You mean it?. . .Come again. 
 . . .Oh, you kid!. . .Come again. [Enter Louise.] 
 
 BELINDA [Excitedly at phone] Get off, get off de wire. You 
 is at de wrong number. 
 
 [Belinda quickly hangs up receiver, picks up the rug and rug beater 
 from the chair and resumes her work as above, cleaning chair with 
 apron, then re-arranging things on table.] 
 
 LOUISE I say, Belinda. . .about the play wright ... last night, the 
 
 last caller, you know Have you heard him?. .. [Taking her seat 
 
 near the writing desk, the pen suspended in her hand, attracting Be- 
 linda's attention.] 
 
 BELINDA [Extending hand holding rug beater] . Has I heard him, 
 of couse I has!... He have gone right deep into his subject, like a 
 hungry nigger into a bowl ob chicken soup!. .. [Grinning.] Talkin' 
 about elkicuton ! . . . 
 
 LOUISE [Irritated]. I am not talking about elocution, have you 
 heard him leave. I mean,. . .tell me, tell me exactly what happened. 
 
 BELINDA [Replacing rug on floor]. When I dink of dis hig'h 
 haughtor, it makes mi blood like pinpoints ... [Laying aside the rug 
 beater.] Dat man will live long after de English language am for- 
 gotten and watermillions cease to grow in Jersey. 
 
ACT TWO 27 
 
 LOUISE [Irritated]. I want to know what happened — in the 
 kitchen. . . . 
 
 BELINDA. Oh, what a funny guy he am, an what a time I has 
 had cleanin' up de kitchen!. . .Goodness gratious, [Pinning up the 
 table cloth] I will neber forgit de hexident in de kitchen last ebening, 
 as long as I remembers it!. . . [Putting finishing touches to the table, 
 generally] Neber!... To begin at de conclusion [Correcting herself], 
 to conclude at de beginning. .. [A spoon suspended in her hand]. I 
 watched de feller out. . .after he massaged himself wid blue all over!. . 
 .My word! He walks briskly, den suddenly stops, turns around, yeas, 
 I was dere...he were all upset an as he reached de door says: "All 
 my scripts lost, I'se ruined, Gee wis, what will become of de American 
 drarma!. . .Laugh, I though I would skreetch !. . .. 
 
 LOUISE [Sympathetically]. Poor fellow, if I only knew where 
 he lives, I would send him a few barrels of ink and a few sheets of 
 paper, just to get him started again!. , . 
 
 BELINDA [Excitedly]. Oh gosh! Don't you send him any blue 
 ink, whatever you does, dat man am not to be trusted wid dis high 
 "blue liquid. . . 
 
 MAXIE [from hall]. Where the devil is that nigger? 
 
 [Enter Maxie, door L., wearing the rubber curtain of the shower 
 bath in a nickeled ring, his drawers show through the opening at 
 end of buttoned up curtain [picture]. 
 
 MAXIE. I will never lend anything to anybody as long as I live. 
 Your actor friend. . .damn him! [Lifting his hand from within the 
 curtain.] The best I've got out of yesterday's little affair is the 
 worst of it. 
 
 LOUISE [Inquiringly]. Surely Maxie you have some other 
 clothes ? 
 
 MAXIE [Desparingly]. Sure, Sis... A closet full!... but Avhat is 
 the use?... The closet is locked, the key is in my waistcoat pocket 
 and your actor friend has the vest ! . . . 
 
 LOUISE [Consoling]. Robert will make good. Nervously] Don't 
 let mother see you in this. .. [Pushing him out of the room.] Put 
 on your dressing gown, anything, anything ! 
 
 MAXIE [Returning] . Just think of my predicament. You say your 
 actor friend will make good . . . Bah ! Anytime I can do him good, I 
 will "do" him good!. . .1 will never lend anything to anybody. . .never 
 . . .lend. . . [Pause.] . . .lend me a ten-spot. [Extending his hand.] 
 
 LOUISE. Be calm, dear, be calm. You have my sympathy. 
 
 MAXIE. Bah! [Desparately.] Hang sympathy, I don't want it. .. 
 I want my clothes, my pants! [Bus.] My trousers! My pants!... 
 [picture.] 
 
28 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 BELINDA [Sympathetically]. Too bad your trousers ain't 'ere. .. 
 but I is quite sure to find you a negligee shirt an' collar. 
 
 MAXIE. [Sarcastically.] That will help a whole lot. . . 
 
 LOUISE. [Tapping him on the shoulder]. You are a very 
 promising young man, Maxie, considering the amounts you borrow, 
 and you have such winning ways when you are not losing. I always 
 liked you. Even when you were little you were constantly borrowing 
 money to save up. I used to give you 10 cents for codliver oil 
 every time you took it and. . .bought a new bottle for the money as 
 soon as a dollar was reached. By the way, isn't it about time you pai'd 
 me what you have borrowed ? 
 
 MAXIE, Sis. darling, it is not a question of time, but a question 
 of money! 
 
 LOUISE. [Handing him money, placing her hand on his left shoul- 
 der sternly]. Maxie, this time I am not lending [Maxie eyeing her 
 questioningly] , I am giving it to you !. . . 
 
 MAXIE. If I take no exercise I feel I will get sick in earnest 
 [stretching himself]. Cooped up for two days and a night in that 
 little hole! [pointing to bedroom]. I feel stiff all over !,.. [Making 
 violent movements, dancing about the room, etc.] 
 
 LOUISE [Excitedly, getting hold of him]. Mother is coming. 
 
 [Exit Maxie Left.] [Enter Mrs. Lawton Right.] 
 
 BELINDA [Rejoicing]. Ah, 'ere am Misses. 
 
 LOUISE [To her mother]. Belinda was just telling me about the 
 arrangement you made [Emphatically] with this interesting play- 
 wright. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Crossly]. I don't want to lead him astray into 
 the paths of virtue. I hope he isn't where I wish he was — never 
 speak to me of 'him again ! 
 
 BELINDA [Approvingly]. Misses am right ... What are he?... 
 Oh lor, or lor, didn't he make me sit up when in de kitchen. [Pause.], 
 I reely don't dink he am de right kind of a hairpin. De washin' blue 
 am what I has again 'him. 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. He is all wrapped up in his art, art is the 
 dramatists real mistress. Wouldn't you like to see me marry liim, 
 Belinda? 
 
 BELINDA [Displaying her teeth]. He am no class, no reefinement, 
 nor heducation, no nothin'; you scrambled wid. ..dis: No, no, let 
 him split his name wid some one else — I would like to see you marry 
 an aristo-cro-crat. Miss, and become a Dukes ! 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. I a Duchess. No Belinda, there is where 
 you are wrong, I shall never marry a Dutchman, What is your 
 opinion, Belinda, ^bout married life generally? 
 
ACT TWO 29 
 
 BELINDA [Self-possessed], Well, well, Miss, dat ar pends alto- 
 geder how dey enjoys demselves . . . What I wants to know am dis : 
 When a man an a feminine gets married, an dey ain't neider ob dem 
 got any ding, now, now to whom does de dings belong to. .. 
 
 LOUISE [Smiling]. This is a pertinent question. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Taking her seat at centre of table]. Stop talk- 
 ing nonsense. This will do, Belinda ! Bring in the soup. [To Louise.] 
 Marry a playwright, indeed ! If a man failed when he had but one 
 life to manage, how can such a man be entrusted with the management 
 of another? [Exit Belinda.] The wives and children of authgrs and 
 composers live in the kitchen of the imagination and their last compo- 
 sitions are generally compositions with their creditors. 
 
 LOUISE [Teasingly]. Possibly, possibly with authors generally 
 [Pause.] but playwrights, mother, playwrights are different. I can 
 name five men and one woman whose combined fortune exceeds a 
 million. 
 
 Mrs LAWTON [Sneeringly]. Six peple, among a ninety-million 
 population, or one in fifteen million, and this average is about right. 
 
 LOUISE [Protestingly]. You are wrong, mother, managers declare 
 that they may lose, but authors never, authors by the terms of their 
 contracts draw their share of the gross receipts all the time, success 
 or no success. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Assertively] . Which authors, the same handful 
 of people that can be counted on the fingers of one hand, but what 
 about the others. No, my child,. ...we will steer clear of ink. . .there 
 is nothing in it but iron and gall. I will have absolutely nothing to do 
 with a member of the scribbling fraternity. [Pause.] An author 
 should keep singk. — It is the hardest of his tasks, but at the same time 
 the source of his strength. [Sneeringly.] Playwright indeed, nine 
 hundred and ninety-ninb of each thousand, as I understand it, never 
 get anything ! . . . 
 
 [The telephone bell rings, Louise taking receiver.] Yes, yes, Dr. — 
 
 . We are perfectly delighted to hear from you. . .your patient,. . . 
 
 your patient enjoyed poor health the whole evening, but this morning 
 he complained of feeling better !. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. Tell him... tell him that he lay 
 speechless for eighteen hours during the night and his constant cry 
 was "Dr., Dr. don't leave your sponges behind. . . " 
 
 LOUISE [At phone]. Yes, he awakened in the centre of the night 
 . .'How is he doing now? He is doing well, very well! [Pause.] He 
 likes taking medicine ; it gives him something to do ! . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. Ask him if Maxie is allowed to 
 come to the table or to have some solid food. [Aside.] Maxie is 
 
30 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 artistic, but his appetite is not temperamental. [Sighs.] Ah, poor 
 Maxie ! 
 
 LOUISE [At phone]. Mother wants to know if Maxie is allowed 
 to have some solid food?. . . [Repeating.] No, not just yet, but he may 
 come to the table [Aside.] if he dares!. ..what!. .'[Repeating.] Give 
 him eighteen ounces of strychnine, mixed with 17 ounces of carbolic 
 acid, repeat in half an hour if this doesn't settle him. Thank you. 
 Doctor, [Smiling broadly] I will. . . Iwill do exactly as I am told!. . . 
 
 [Hanging up receiver — to Maxie through the door.] The Doctor 
 says you may come to the table . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Thoughtfully]. The Doctor is a dear! 
 
 [Belinda wheels in Maxie in an invalid's chair and dressing gown, 
 conveying in every respect his mother's impression about the serious- 
 ness of his illness. Maxie taking his seat at the table L. C] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Nervously, petting him]. How ill you are look- 
 ing, my boy, my darling iboy ! . . . 
 
 MAXIE [Coughing repeatedly all the time]. 
 
 [Belinda brings him a bowl of onion porridge, then replies to a 
 ring at the bell,] 
 
 MAXIE [Picking up plate and burning his fingers]. Gee, that plate 
 is hot! [Lifting it with his napkin, gallantly to Louise.] Will you 
 have some chloroform, I mean an appetiser, darling... I will share 
 my last onion with you. . . [Pause.] if you like onions !. . . 
 
 LOUISE [Indignantly]. Certainly, certainly not! But I will have 
 salt. [Uses salt, then empties the salt cruet into his porridge.] 
 
 MAXIE [Excitedly]. You will spoil my medicine!. . .you are heart- 
 less, perfectly heartless. [Belinda returns.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Stop, children, you will ruin the tablecloth. 
 
 BELINDA [Grinning]. It was only de neighbor, Mrs. Baked Beans 
 of Boston, inquirin' how young Maxie is.. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Very kind of Mrs. Beans. 
 
 BELINDA. I tol' her, I tol' her — eighteen. [Grinning.] She were 
 afraid he would get off de handle an' go to Dixie land. 
 
 MAXIE. [Playfully]. You need not be afraid of my dying, [Pause.] 
 It i's the last thing I will ever do ! [Holding finger on the point of 
 knife.] You see the point? 
 
 LOUISE [Teasingly]. Maxie, you speak too much. 
 
 MAXIE. I will speak as long as I please. 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. You spoke longer than you please already. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. Don't quarrel, children. [Eyeing 
 them affectionately.] This looks like old times. 
 
 MAXIE [Examining newspaper ne?r him] . No, it is an old Herald; 
 I thought so. 
 
ACT TWO 31 
 
 LOUISE [Teasingly]. Maxie, you have but one joke and this is aa 
 old one. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Handing some apple sauce to Louise]. Louise, 
 give it to Maxie. 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. I am giving it to him. 
 
 MAXIE [Gravely]. Good, very good, it couldn't be worse. 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully] . I am glad Maxie was in bed when the author 
 called, or I am afraid. . . [Interrupted.] 
 
 MAXIE [Placing nickeled dish cover on his head, as a helmet, taking 
 tray in his left hand and a long loaf of bread in the other and straight- 
 ening himself out to a fighting position]. A duel. [Waving the loaf 
 of bread in the air.] A duel. . .if ever I catch the follow again. [Re- 
 peating his military advances and movements.] Just fancy a man 
 "listening with his eyes, and seeing wifh the back of his head." 
 
 The hall bell rings. [Enter Belinda.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [In a temper]. The potatoes are burned! 
 
 BELINDA. Yeas mm, yeas mm ! . . . I've tried a new experiment 
 from de cook 'book you bought at de Hector's fair. . . [Despairing.] . . . 
 I hope dem Hectors an' Hectoresses will use it to better advantage. 
 
 [The hall bell rings again, Belinda passes through hall and returns 
 with card, (handing it to Mrs. Lawton.] 
 
 BELINDA [Some time after handing the card]. A card for you, 
 ma'am. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Shut up, you goose. 
 
 BELINDA [Pointedly], He am a lawyer, also a gentleman, like- 
 wise honest. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Reading]. Mr. Always Delay, of the firm Prom- 
 ise, Postpone ajui Delay. [To the children, whispering in their ears 
 in turn and motioning them to leave the room.] 
 
 LOUISE [As she exits]. Always Delay! 
 
 MAXIE [As he exits]. Always Delay! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Watching them off]. Tell me, Belinda, [Point- 
 ing towards the hall] how does he look?. . .Re-arranging things on 
 table, powdering her face, etc., full of anticipation. 
 
 BELINDA [Whispering]. New clothes, an'. . .an'. . .you will see 
 for youself , Mm, I has took to 'im tremendous ! . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Tidying herself before mirror in Library, to Be- 
 linda] . Show the gentleman in. [Exits door R.] 
 
 [Exit BeJinda into hall and returns with Robert] 
 
 [He carries an imposing legal portfolio in his L. hand, two volumes 
 of law-books in the familiar legal binding under his arm, and his make- 
 up is in great contrast to his two previous impersonations.] 
 
 BELINDA [Excitedly] . De room am thirty dollars a month, sir, but 
 she may make it forty for you. Dis am a large magnesia house, wid a 
 
3S MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 nice pizzaro an' a splendid lemonade all around de house . . . exactly five 
 minutes fromi everywhere, an' within a stone's drow from here am de 
 Subway. 
 
 ROBERT [Playfully]. Well, well, practically an absolute guarantee 
 of good air, you know. 
 
 BELINDA [Emphatically]. 'Xactly! Yeas sir, yeas sir, it do, so 
 it do! Only once has I been wid Mrs. to de country, an' de fresh 
 air dere have made me positively sick, 
 
 [Enter Mrs. Lawton in changed dress. Belinda quickly exits.] 
 
 ROBERT [Depositing bag and law books on table. Bowing to 
 Mrs. Lawton] . I am a lawyer and always like the party of the second 
 part to be explicit, to reduce everything to writing, [Bows.] that is 
 why your advertisement attracted me. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Admiring his imposing hand bag and books, — 
 encouraged]. If I want anything, my motto is to go straight for it 
 and get it ! . . . 
 
 ROBERT [Busying himself with his portfolio, opening and closing 
 it]. You know, it is the only way, and it is also my way! [Pause.] 
 However, before discussing terms for the bedroom, I must know if it 
 includes library privileges. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Apologetically] . Our library is sadly neglected, 
 but such books as we have are at your disposal, cheerfully, gladly. 
 
 ROBERT. My reference was to library, space [pointing to his 
 books] . I have books of my own, you know. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. Next to doge, cats and... men, 
 books are cheerful companions. [Joyously.] The entire vacant space 
 in the library is at your disposal, fill it up to the ceiling if you like. 
 
 ROBERT. [Measuring the distance 'between the ornamental mantel 
 and wall]. This disposes of a fraction, you know, but the bulk of my 
 books, where am I to place them ? 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [In an accommodating mood, closing the library 
 door leading into inside hall]. For your sake I will keep this door 
 closed and you can fill up this space as well with books to the very 
 ceiling [Smiling broadly.] and to your heart's content. 
 
 ROBERT. This disposes of about one-third of my legal library. 
 [Pause.] What am I to do with the rest? You know. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Puzzled]. Good Lord, man, how many volumes 
 have you? 
 
 ROBERT [Dubiously]. Thousands... 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Left hand on her chest]. You take my breath 
 away ! 
 
 ROBERT [Measuring with tape the space between the walls and 
 writing it down on a card] . Yes, mam, "A modern corporation is no 
 
ACT TWO 33 
 
 money surrounded by creditors and there is a special law for each and 
 every creditor to show why his special account should not be paid !" 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Earnestly] . You surprise me ! 
 
 ROBERT. When Moses first gave the commandment of "Don't 
 Steal", in two words, you know, it probably never occurred to him, 
 that under a higher civilization so many thousands of volumes would 
 be written and printed in favor of the party of the second part ! 
 
 AIRS. LAWTON [Surprised]. So many volumes in favour of 
 legalized thieves ! , . . 
 
 ROBERT. Exactly ! . . . Gradually 'but persistently the industrial 
 ■equipment of the nation has passed into the absolute control of a 
 plutocracy leaving for the producers just enough to exist on, and all 
 this has been accomplished and is being accomplished under the pro- 
 tection and operation of the law. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. You astonish me ! 
 
 ROBERT. In the great battles for economic independence the use 
 of dynamite is not limited exclusively to America and the McNamaras. 
 Indeed, it is sometimes used by terrorists even in civilized Russia. But 
 in the methods of depriving the great mass of the working people of 
 their savings, easily, freely and "legally" America is absolutely su- 
 preme! Here through all kinds of legalized larceny the people at 
 large are deprived of their savings as easily as a child of its candy, and 
 in this the American continent has absolutely no rival nor equal. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Well, upon my word!. . . 
 
 ROBERT. The total amount of larceny committed in this great 
 country of ours in violation of law is trivial and insignificant compared 
 with what is accomplished annually through glorious larceny as prac- 
 ticed by our big corporations under the full protection of our laws. 
 Hundreds of millions are fleeced annually from the toiling masses, by 
 fake m.ining companies, instalment lot companies and in various other 
 legalized speculations of the worthless kinds. When you think of 
 
 the amount of legal machinery required to transfer annually the 
 wealth of the many into the coffers of the few owners of the national 
 resources, you will not wonder why we have so many law books. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Assisting him with his tape]. You are jesting:, 
 sir. Tell me, tell me truly, how can one account for so many law 
 books?. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Bending down on his knees to assure correct measures]. 
 We have too many laws ; so many that even lawyers cannot read them 
 and do not know them. [Getting up.] It is hard to keep pace with 
 the laws. Every legislator thinks himself a salon and attempts to pass 
 all the laws he can, you know. Pen and ink is cheap and that is prac- 
 tically all the capital and material lawmakers require. 
 
34 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 MRS, LAWTON. At any rate, I am sure these volumes of laws 
 are not marriage laws ; in marriage, very simply the two are made one. 
 
 ROBERT [Inquiringly]. Which one? 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Now, now really! Is the law divided into so 
 many departments and sections ? 
 
 ROBERT [Smiling broadly]. Candidly, madam, "The Code of the 
 State of New York is staggering under the weight of its sections. 
 Some judges know more law than they know life and champion some 
 outworn philosophy which they impose on the people." Again we have 
 glorious larceny as practiced by the rich, for whom laws practically 
 do not exist, you know. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Puzzled]. Glorious larceny. [Pause.] The 
 term is new. 
 
 ROBERT [Confidingly]. Glorious larceny consists exclusively of 
 robberies committed under the protection of the law by the great bus- 
 iness interests operating under the supervision of the greatest corpora- 
 tion lawyers. [Pause.] It is my special forte, you know. Jim the 
 Penman of old used to forge a man's name to a check and draw upon 
 it what he could at the time. . .that was all !. . .Nowadays, the corpor- 
 ation lawyer has invented greater and more powerful weapons. He 
 gets real signatures to documents which are forged in the interest of > 
 the corporation, his client, and in this way obtains far better results, 
 you know. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. How so? 
 
 ROBERT [Plaintively]. You see, in this way the victims keep on 
 paying them money year in and year out for the rest of their natural 
 life and never find out that they have been robbed until they are old 
 or dead, you know. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Why should one deal with soulless corporations 
 who are using the law itself as a means and ways for the undoing of 
 the people? Of what value is a legal claim against a corporation, 
 backed up by corporation attorneys, such as you. 
 
 ROBERT. None whatever, I admit, but what is one to do when the 
 corporation in question is in absolute control of the desired article, as 
 is generally the case,. . .you know. For us to relieve the public of their 
 money is as easy as taking candy from a baby. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Reflecting]. I see you know your loaded dice 
 well . . . You know how to steal according to law. I will do for you 
 what I would not do for anybody else. I will allow you to cover up 
 the walls of the dining-room and the entire vacant space in the alcove ; 
 in fact, you may place your books anywhere, everywhere, in every room 
 of the apartment. 
 
 ROBERT [Taking a mental picture of the relative size of the room 
 to that of his books]. No, the space is too small, I am quite sure it 
 
ACT TWO 35 
 
 is ... It will not hold a single thousand of my volumes — the books are 
 
 nnite bulky, you know. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Admiringly]. What a fortune one must have to 
 buy so many books, what an intellect to digest them ! 
 
 ROBERT [Proudly]. I should say so!... I am a specializing at- 
 torney, my practice is limited to corporation law only, you know 
 [Pause.], otherwise my library would be very much larger. [Pause.] 
 Candidly, I have taken a great liking to you, but the place is too small, 
 I am sorry. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Regretfully]. Well, even if you decide against 
 the room, you could still come to see us ! [Excitedly.] I receive the 
 last Wednesday of each month,. . .provided it does not fall on a Friday ! 
 
 ROBERT [Cordially], I shall be delighted! It is too bad though 
 that we should have to part on account of such a. . .trifle, you know. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Walking about, to and fro]. Let me think, let 
 me think ! 
 
 ROBERT [Playfully]. I have an idea!. ..The landlord should be 
 invited to build an extension, another ten or fifteen feet of space might 
 suffice. [Watching the expression of her face, and noticing her disap- 
 pointment.] I am so anxious to hit upon a practical working plan, so 
 very anxious, you know. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Walking to and fro]. An extension in the air! 
 [Pause.] This will never do... and the other tenants will object... 
 wait, I have it. . .we will consult my daughter. My daughter, sir, is a 
 wonderful manager in such things. .. [Getting excited.] last summer 
 when we started for our vacation, she actually succeeded to pack our 
 thirty-six hats in but four trunks, and you know what hats are this 
 summer! [Calling.] Louise! Louise! [Enter Louise.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Introducing]. My daughter, Mr. Delay, the 
 famous lawyer. . . [Robert and Louise exchange courtesies.] Mr. De- 
 lay is quite anxious to come and live with us, my dear, if only. . .if only 
 ...we could find sufficient accommodations for his law books... 
 [Pause.] Couldn't you think of something? How did you manage last 
 summer to pack our hats so compactly ? . . . Advise us, tell us ! 
 
 LOUISE [Glancing around]. That was quite simple... I removed 
 the boxes and placed the hats one on top of the other. If this gentle- 
 man is ready to remove the covers from his books, a lot of valuable 
 space will surely be saved ! 
 
 ROBERT. Excellent! But you will have to think again. If I 
 could save the beautiful covers at the expense of sacrificing the printed 
 pages, I would consider it. The books are bought for the bindings, 
 you know ! 
 
 [Noticing their animated conversation, Mrs. Lawton withdraws.] 
 
36 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 LOUISE [Assuring herself that they are alone. Placing her arm o^ 
 his right shoulder]. I tell you, Bob, this will never do... You are 
 simply throwing stones in your own way, forcing both of us to walk 
 over them ! 
 
 ROBERT [Uneasy]. Has my impersonation of the author failed? 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. No, your author was a great success. [Smil- 
 ing broadly.] Never again will she entertain a member of the scrib- 
 bling fraternity, as a son-in-law ; I refer to your other impersonations, 
 your doctor and lawyer. 
 
 ROBERT [Disturbed] . What of them? Anything wrong?. . . 
 
 LOUISE [Earnestly], Everything !.. .More than ever she is now 
 impressed with the importance of the doctor and the lucrative rewards 
 of the lawyer and she will go for both!. . .The man I love is twice in 
 competition with himself as somebody else. [Fingering her left hand.] 
 He can't win as he is and he is not what he pretends to be. A trinity 
 of one in three and three in one, and when it is all over, what then?. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Grasping her hand] . My darling, be reasonable, in order 
 to control the territory, I must keep one of my competitors in the 
 field, to the very end... As to the rest, they shall all vanish! [His 
 hands on her shoulders.] I enter willingly into this treaty, guarantee 
 it [Kissing her on the forehead.] and now I have signed it !. . . 
 
 LOUISE [More composed]. Hurry, deare Maxie and I are right 
 in the midst of our dinner. 
 
 [They separate. Enter Mrs. Lawton.] 
 
 LOUISE [To her mother, disappointedly]. I have done my best to 
 persuade Mr. Delay to put part of his books in storage, it's the only 
 way. . .but he is so terribly undecided. . .1 can do no more. [Exits.] 
 
 ROBERT [Protestingly]. I hope you don't blame me... If you 
 were advised to put the best part of your beautiful hats in storage, 
 I am sure, you wouldn't like it. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Pleasantly]. I would rather go without food! 
 If the size of a lawyer's library is the proper index of his clientele you 
 must have a very lucrative practice. 
 
 ROBERT [Boastfully]. I can't complain, you know. [Pause.] 
 Every case I get stays on my books!. . . [Pause.] although not always 
 on the same court calendar. [Pause.] Fighting large corporations is 
 like bombarding a fog, you know. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Inquiringly]. Would you mind being more ex- 
 plicit? 
 
 ROBERT. Quite simple, you know... No final decision has ever 
 been reached on any of my claims. All the cases which 1 succeeded 
 in placing on the calendar during the said seven years of my legal 
 practice, stay there ! If I gain a point in one court it is generally lost 
 in another, when it gets there. 
 
ACT TWO 37 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Inquiringly]. How is it possible? 
 
 ROBERT [Smiling broadly]. If you were in the business, you 
 would ask how could it possibly be otherwise! [Pause.] In modern 
 law, yoii kiiozv, like in modern warfare, the skill of the corporation at- 
 torney consists in fighting his opponent at a respectful distance and in 
 keeping him there, keeping the poor litigant stampeding in the vestibule 
 of justice, until time has made justice impossible. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Dubiously], From the way you speak, one is 
 almost tempted to believe that the execution of the law is one thing and 
 the administration of justice quite another. 
 
 ROBERT [Playfully]. No practical lawyer denies it. That which 
 the big corporations dislike they declare illegal, but for every law which 
 may be on the statutes against them, there is a loop-hole, you know. 
 [Pause.] and that is what we big corporation lawyers are for. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Admiringly]. I shall send down to the cellar 
 anything and everything which is not of immediate use, including our 
 winter furs and gloves. Every inch of closet room in the kitchen or 
 bedrooms is henceforth yours for your learned books. [Emphatically.] 
 You shall be suited ! 
 
 ROBERT [Shamming]. On my honour as a lawyer, I am glad and 
 very grateful !. . . [Watching closely.] Yoii know, if I may be permitted 
 to arrange some of the things in this room, a whole lot more of valu- 
 able space will be saved, I am sure. [Gets hold of the two elaborate 
 vases at both sides of the mantlepiece, knocks one against the other and 
 succeeds in breaking both.] A thousand pardons, so clumsy of me. I 
 am truly sorry ! You know . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Repressing her emotions]. Oh, it's nothing, pray 
 don't mention it. . .1 am glad they are broken, since their removal will 
 aid you in getting more space for your books. They were only an old 
 pair, anyway, from the 15th or 16th century, I don't remember which. 
 {Collecting the broken pieces and placing them on desk near wall 
 R. U. E.] 
 
 ROBERT [Same play]. Now, now, if and when.this desk is moved 
 towards the centre, it practically gives me room for another bookcase, 
 you know . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Humoring him.]. A capital idea, capital!. . . 
 
 [Robert gets hold of desk, moving it towards C, but by the time it 
 reaches its destination, the legs are all broken, and all the articles on 
 the desk, letterheads and envelopes, including Robert's portfolio and 
 books, scatter about the room.] [Picture.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Heartbroken— picking up from the floor the let- 
 terheads, envelopes and other articles scattered, placing them on table]. 
 I am glad the desk is broken and done with, since, as you say, it gives 
 tis additional space for another bookcase. [Cleaning with her R. sleeve 
 
38 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 Robert's portfolio, then depositing it together with his book and other 
 articles on table L.] 
 
 ROBERT [Dusting carefully his law books, then glancing about 
 the room]. Now, if I could find room for but one more bookcase. 
 [Pausing for a moment.] Wait, I have it. . .you know. I will place 
 the table where we intended to place the desk, [Pointing.] right there 
 in the centre. [Gets hold of the table which shares the same fate as 
 the desk, the legs break as soon as the new destination is reached and 
 the articles scatter all over the room.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Picking up again his law books and portfolio and 
 holding them in her arms — nerving herself]. Now, now that all the 
 necessary space has at last been secured, we may consider the bargain 
 closed. . .and have s'ome wine in honor of this momentous occasion. 
 [Depositing his belongings on dining room table.] I am so glad to 
 have a lawyer of your talents as my daughter's constant companion; the 
 moral support is simply overwhelming, and if at any time there is 
 anything you particularly want, a special kind of meat or pie, why just 
 tell me. [Brings forward two bottles. Pointing to the bottles.] I hava 
 just two kinds of wine, which will you take ? 
 
 ROBERT [Greedily]. Both !. . . [Comes forward and helps himself 
 freely to the wine.] In the presence of such charming company, you 
 know, I shall be delighted. . .delighted! Happy days !... [Drinks 
 again.] I am glad to have found so congenial a hom€. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. [Coquetishly]. You seem to be a jolly kind of 
 companion for a respectable woman. [Pause.] Oh, marriage is a 
 life-long honeyinoon and a sanctuary for pleasure ! 
 
 ROBERT [Protestingly, beginning to feel his wine]. Heaven re- 
 deem me from excessive virtue! I like but never practice it... Are 
 you threatening me with marriage! Oh [Searching.] you stop at 
 nothing ... W-wwhere is my portfolio, my books, my hatP.-.M"^ to 
 marry?. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Protesting, quieting him down]. Oh, no, cer- 
 tainly, certainly riot, — I am only modestly suggesting that you should 
 take a wife. 
 
 ROBERT [Carelessly placing his hat on the gas pipe of chandelier, 
 then drinking]. Oh, of course, this is different [Tipsy], well, whose 
 wife do you want me to take ? Oh, this wine is spl-en-did ! I feel like 
 a depositor in a Robin bank who was paid in full ! [Refilling his glass.] 
 Come, let us have another drink. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. You have seen my daughter, sir. [Pause.] 
 Don't you go until you see her again. You shall become friends at 
 once. 
 
 ROBERT [Tipsy]. No, no! Certainly, certainly not. [Offering 
 
ACT TWO 39 
 
 hand.] Let us shake hands on it. . .After all, marriage is better than 
 death. Ye gods and Httle fishes, [Glass in hand.] this wine is inspiring. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Offers Robert some cakes which he takes and 
 eats greedily one after the other, then Robert takes another drink, 
 spitting out the cakes and wine on the floor, drops his glass and breaks 
 it, to the amazement and disgust of Mrs. Lawton.] 
 
 ROBERT [Picking up one of his law books in reverse position and 
 opening it]. Since when have they started to print law books topsy 
 turvy? [Drops book on floor with a bang. Replacing book and up- 
 setting champagne bottle, beating the table cloth excitedly.] I thought 
 I saw snakes. .. [Beats table cloth from other end, then lifting up 
 table and upsetting everything.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Disgusted]. Perhaps, you will have some more 
 drink. . .You have only had two final bottles. . .1 will turn on the water 
 pump. . .1 think it will do you good. . . [Pause] , . .Better still, go and 
 ask some obliging friend to put your head into a cooler — go!. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Picking up his law books and portfolio, dropping one as 
 he obtains the other article, to be humored with audience, walking 
 tipsy manner. To Mrs. Lawton]. I never knew there were so many 
 of you, and the more faces you have, the funnier you look. Excuse 
 me!. . . [Hand to his mouth.] excuse me!. . .W-w-where is m-my hat. 
 [Noticing his hat on chandelier, he snatches it, breaking up the end 
 of the gas pipe, kicking it into the library with his foot.] I will see 
 the bedroom some other time [Waving his hand at the door.], some 
 other time, I will co-co-come ag-gug-gug-gain. [Struggling to keep 
 from falling, then exits.] [Slams the door.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Bewildered] . My rug, my best rug ! . . . 
 
 [Maxie and Louise on tip-toe return from their respective rooms, 
 Maxie looking for his plate.] 
 
 MAXIE [Finding his plate and getting seated]. I have lost my 
 apetite. 
 
 LOUISE [Resuming her former position]. I hope that no poor 
 man has found it, it would ruin him. . . [In eager expectation.] Well, 
 mother darling, everything settled, settled? [Coaxingly.] Say he has 
 taken the room, oh, Christmas, I am so glad, mother dear. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Collecting the pieces of broken glass and eyeing 
 the mass on the rug]. Unsettled, my dear, terribly unsettled! [To 
 herself.] He is undoubtedly a man of quantity and capacity ! [Uneasy 
 and returning to table.] If you don't mind I would much rather defer 
 judgment, some other time, some other time. [Aside.] I can't stand 
 it, I fear I shall faint, I feel it coming. 
 
 LOUISE [Disappointed]. As you like, mother dear, as you like! 
 [Aside.] He certainly is some lawyer!. . . 
 
40 MARRIAGEABLES : 
 
 MAXIE [Excitedly]. He is a hell of a lawyer. . .1 listened at my 
 door when this Mr. "You-no7x/' talked about his books... Gee whiz! 
 I didn't think there were so many law books in the world. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Eating]. I see it all now. . .Lawyers, like drug- 
 gists, need much display and show, the only difference is that the 
 
 former never deal in scruples To be a good lawyer requires almost 
 
 everything but a conscience. . . [Eyeing the mass on floor.] Oh, you 
 Mr. "You-now" . .. 
 
 MAXIE. Yes, mother dear, from the way he talked one could 
 easily surmise that those that go to the law for damages are pretty 
 sure to get them. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Eating]. Poachers live by snaring of hares, 
 lawyers by splitting them. 
 
 LOUISE. Look out, Maxie, you are getting your sleeve into the 
 gravy. 
 
 MAXIE [Carefully examinging his sleeve ends]. Laws like sau- 
 sages cease to inspire respect in proportion as we know how they are 
 made. . .Lawyers as a rule are all settlement workers. . . 
 
 MRS.' LAWTON. I am sick of his law ! [Her hand to her nose.] 
 
 One look at the man will convince you that he studies law from 
 necessity. Does anyone smell gas? [Bus.] Oh, my goodness ! 
 
 MAXIE [Excitedly]. I fear an explosion.... 
 
 [All of them looking for the cause, examining the chandelier, Mrs. 
 Lawton discovering the broken gas jet, to Maxie.] Bring me some 
 cotton, quick ! . . . 
 
 MAXIE [Returning with piece of cotton, Mrs. Lawton stuffing up 
 the broken pipe]. I was surprised, like Goliath when David struck 
 him with a stone, such a thing never entered our heads before. 
 
 [The excitement subsides, all return to their former positions at 
 table.] [The street bell rings.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Our bell is popular this morning! 
 
 BELINDA [Showing herself at the door]. Dat dere door bell ring- 
 in' all day long. It mixes me up so much, I don't know where I is . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Instructively]. If it somebody else to look at 
 the room, don't admit them! [Pause.] I have had quite enough of 
 them for one day. [Exit Belinda into hall L.] 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. There is no use denying that you have lost 
 two boarders in one day. 
 
 MAXIE. Mother is careless — throwing away chances like this ! 
 [Teasingly.] Take another chance, mother, take another chance. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Angrily] . Maxie, please pay a little attention to 
 me! 
 
 MAXIE [Playfully], I am paying as little attention as possible, 
 mother dear! 
 
ACT TWO 41 
 
 BELINDA [From the hall.] No, sar, no, sar, I ain't made no mis- 
 take, sar!. ..You wait, wait! I ain't allowed to permit nobody! — I'll 
 see misses !. . . 
 
 ROBERT [At the library door, hat on]. As you please, as you 
 please. [Handing a coin to Belinda, who examines and pockets it.] 
 
 BELINDA [Eyeing him]. I' clar sir, if I didn't forget to ax you 
 to take off yo' hat, I'm actually gettin' dat absent minded I hain't got 
 common perliteness no mo. , . 
 
 [Robert removing his hat and disappearing into the hall.] 
 
 BELINDA [At dining-room door, handing card to Mrs. Lawton]. 
 Dere am a gentleman to see you ! [To herself.] Crickey and jeeroo- 
 salem, ain't it jolly I Anoder, anoder ! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Reading]. Mr. "Windman-Waterit", promoter. 
 
 LOUISE [Cunningly]. It never rains but it pours! [Smiling.] 
 What a funny name ! 
 
 MAXIE. Just fancy, a promoter ! . . . A promoter, a promoter, you 
 know is a man who furnishes the ocean, if you produce the ships. 
 [Pause.] The other day one of them offered me some waterfront 
 lots for sale by the quart. [Pause.] I could measure them, he said, 
 when the tide was low. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [To Maxie]. Don't talk, don't talk, Maxie. You 
 are better at thinking. [To Belinda, sternly.] I instructed you to 
 admit no one, why are my orders disobeyed ? 
 
 BELINDA. He comes from the landlord mam an' insists dat he 
 must see you, or he would make us move at once, he says. . . 
 
 LOUISE [Nervously]. From the landlord? Great Scotland, it is 
 a nice kettle of fish we are in ! ... A lawsuit ! . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Disappointedly]. A lawsuit! Something nobody 
 likes to lose, nor wishes to have. Show him in, show him in!. . . [Im- 
 proving her appearance, whispering to Louise, who exits door left 
 Belinda door right.] [Maxie lingers behind.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Unfold your easel, Maxie, and pretend to be at 
 work... We will show this promoter that we are indifferent to his 
 threats. 
 
 MAXIE. [Moves to library and opens a box from which he takes 
 out a folded easel and a semi-finished painting which he instantly places 
 in position]. Trust me, mother dear, when it comes to showing off. 
 [Gets his brushes and palettes in shape and begins to paint rapidly.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Picking up hand glass from desk and looking 
 into it]. Oh, my hair!. . . [Exits door R.] 
 
 BELINDA [From hall]. Wolk right in, sir, into de drawring room, 
 de drawring room ! 
 
42 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 [Enter Robert door left, dressed as a promoter and prosperous real 
 estate broker about town. A contrast to his former make up. His 
 clothes are more correct than his grammar, speaks with an accent.] 
 
 MAXIE [Walking over to the left of library and meeting Robert — 
 digging him in the ribs — then aloud] . Have a chair, sir, have a chair ! 
 
 ROBERT. Ich danke, Ich danke, [Fidgetting with hat.] I am 
 rather restless to-day. Yah! [Moves away from 'Maxie, when the 
 latter is about to repeat the digging.] 
 
 MAXIE [Generously]. Well then, have two chairs, have two chairs, 
 
 sir; 
 
 ROBERT [Still standing]. You are kind— Yah! 
 
 MAXIE [Playfully]. How do you spell your name? 
 
 ROBERT. De ordinary, quite de ordinary way. 
 
 ROBERT [Playfully]. Do you know anything about real estate? 
 
 MAXIE, Oh yes, lots! [Enter Mrs. Lawton.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Bowing]. I see you are admiring my son's 
 painting Ah, he is a wonderful artist He once painted a cork so 
 much like marble that when by mistake I threw it into the water it 
 sank like stone ! 
 
 ROBERT [Sympathetically]. Wunderbahr! Wunderbahr. What 
 an irreparable loss to de connoisseur. 
 
 MAXIE [Encouraged]. I never studied dentistry, never as a rule, 
 look down in the mouth, you know, but [Displaying his pencils] with 
 this I can draw every tooth in your head, not only without pain, but 
 without the consciousness of the operation, provided you only open 
 your mouth and keep your eyes shut 
 
 ROBERT [To Mrs. Lawton, surprised]. Virclich? Gott in himmel, 
 Vee vunderbahr Vee interesant! I can readily see dat he is a born 
 artist. [Examining closely his canvass and noticing that it is but a 
 combination of different shades of blue.] [To Maxie.] What is de 
 subject of your painting? If I may ask? Nu — ^yah! 
 
 MAXIE. Why, why it is the Spanish fleet an hour after they met 
 Dewey... [Dropping painting on floor, picking it up excitedly and 
 cleaning the back side of canvass.] 
 
 ROBERT. Donnerwetter ! Och himmel! Vi interesant! De de- 
 scription is wonderfully accurate. No one would, no one could dare 
 say dat dere is a trace of any warship above de water. . .You should 
 put your name at the bottm and in large letters — God, when a man 
 can paint like dis, he is not afraid of noding!. . . 
 
 MAXIE [Excitedly]. I should say not ! [To his mother.] Keep 
 at a distance, you will spoil my ships. [To Robert again.] My sub- 
 ject is absolutely free from all unnecessary objects, a mistake so fre- 
 quently noticed nowadays in the paintings of my competitors in the 
 Academy of Design and the British Royal Academy. 
 
ACT TWO 43 
 
 ROBERT [Patting him on the shoulder]. Och, dey don't under- 
 stood. Dey don't count! Nein! My young friend, no one could ever 
 accuse you of introducing atmosphere into your subjects. [Pause.] 
 When you have finished its companion picture — dat of Dewey's fleet 
 an hour after de battle, — I know de very party who will buy it ! Gantz 
 geviss ! 
 
 MAXIE. This is good news! [Backing out before Robert as he 
 exits.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. It was very nice of you to encourage my son to 
 greater and better effort. [Sweetly.] But you have not called to 
 merely discuss paintings. . . 
 
 ROBERT. Yah, I am afraid not, my task is not as pleasant. . .de 
 fact is my call is in de nature of a complaint, es tut mir leid ! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Uneasy]. A complaint? 
 
 ROBERT [To Mrs. Lawton]. Yah, de tenant underneath com- 
 plains about blue dripping down from your floor into his apartment 
 and spoiling some valuable linen and cloding. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Losing her temper] . You don't think that I have 
 done it. That / would do such a thing ? 
 
 ROBERT [Confused]. Yah, nein, nein, yah! You see I sold dis 
 house to de present owner and knew dat de walls and ceiling were 
 patched wid rubbish [Smiling broadly], but dat dis dirt and rubbisM 
 should turn into blue is new to me ! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Motioning hint' to a chair, Robert taking it]. 
 You speak about dirt and rubbish. [Pointedly.] I knew nothing about 
 it when I signed my lease. 
 
 ROBERT [Smiling broadly]. Es ferschteit zich ! Of course not, 
 the lease was signed for de landlord's benefit, not yours ! . . . When 
 I bought it, you know, it was an old stable wid a leaking roof, he. . . 
 he. . . 
 
 MRS LAWTON [Surprised]. An old stable! 
 
 ROBERT [Playfully]. Yah, Yah, gantz nateerlich!. . .1 am an old 
 hand at dis dings, I had it polished from widout and patched wid 
 rubbish from widin. [Smiling broadly.] When de false front was- 
 put on at de top, de building looked up like a woman in her new Easter 
 hat! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Pointedly]. But this is hardly honest! 
 
 ROBERT [Lighting a cigar]. Gott in Himmel — honest! If you 
 want honesty, apply it to someding else dan real estate speculations. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Confidingly]. Although you represent the 
 owner, I trust you. The blue dripping to the next floor can be ex- 
 plained. There was an accident in our kitchen yesterday, an accident 
 for which no member of my immediate household is responsible, you 
 understand. 
 
44 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 ROBERT [Removing ashes from his cigar]. Ich glaube, yes, yes. . . 
 the man who did it was a grosser Lump. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Convincingly]. I told you the truth... But it 
 is new and dissappointing to learn that in my home the walls and 
 ceilings are far from soHd! This is terrible! Give me some proofs 
 and you will see what I will do. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Puffing at his cigar, then blowing a cloud of smoke in 
 Mrs. Lawton's face, compelling her to cough and close her eyes]. 
 Gevis, gevis !. . . .you want proofs and. . .you shall have dem. . . [He 
 smokes again, again blowing the smoke in her face as above. Mrs. 
 Lawton closing her eyes. At this he gets three plates from the table, 
 hitting the chandelier with one, the plate rail with the other and the 
 ceiling with a third, following it up with a blank shot from a revolver, 
 which he quickly pockets.] Dear me, it is worse dan I thought!... 
 [The crockery from the plate rail falls to the ground and on the side- 
 board, breaking some and upsetting the rest. . .The chandelier trembles 
 in no uncertain way and like a cloud of smoke the dirt continues to 
 come down from the hall in the ceiling. Thunder and lightening 
 follow.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Frightened and unnerved, her eyes closed]. My 
 •head goes round and around. Everything is confused. The walls 
 are falling. Belinda ! Belinda !. . . [Faints.] 
 
 [Enter Behnda, ail in a flutter.] 
 
 BELINDA. Great Caesar's ghost. . .Oh, Mrs. mme, mam!. . . [Ex- 
 citedly.] Who fired dat gun? [Examining herself.] If I is killed, 
 I wants to know it . . . 
 
 ROBERT. At de slightest test dis ceiling has broken down ! . . . 
 [Confused at the dirt falling from ceiling.] Dear me, still falling!. . . 
 
 BELINDA [Noticing that Mrs. Lawton has fainted, calling through 
 the open door.] Oh, Miss Louise, Miss Louise! I is all in a flurry! 
 Get your moder's smellin' salt and hurry, de smellin' salt ! . . . [Opening 
 tbe drawers of sideboard and emptying their contents on the floor.] 
 I is lookin' for for her eau de colim, de eau de colina ! . . . [Placing some 
 _ lace in 'her pockets and sleeves.] 
 
 LOUISE [Sternly to Belinda, bringing the smelling salts with her]. 
 Leave the drawers alone! [Comes up to her mother, applying the 
 smelling salt and fanning her.] Open the windows, open, wide!... 
 What she wants is more air ! . . . She wants all the air she can get ! . . . 
 [To Robert.] Now we are all in for it good and bard. 
 
 [Maxie enters, door right. In clothes worn during act one.] 
 
 MAXIE [To Robert, angrily] .My actor friend, this is carrying it 
 too far!. . .A joke is a joke, but [Pointing to her condition.] look at 
 this! [Oenching his fists.] Our household has been on the blink 
 ever since you entered it ! . . . 
 
ACT TWO 45 
 
 ROBERT [Uneasy.] She is sensitively organized, temperamental, 
 and all dat. . .excitement is too much for her. [Nervously, his hand to 
 his collar.] Gott, how infernally hot it is, and how it makes me per- 
 spire. 
 
 LOUISE [Self-possessed, continuing to fan her mother]. Mother 
 will recover soon enough... [To Robert, emphatically and uneasy,] 
 But you, what are you going to do zvhen she recovers ? 
 
 AIAXIE [Eyeing the mass on the floor]. Hell is a cool place — cool 
 and shady compared to what this place is going to be a few minutes 
 hence. Oh, wouldn't there be fireworks when mother recovers. 
 
 ROBERT [Changing his accent to his normal voice, and removing 
 his make-up, playfully]. What am I going to do? Why... I have 
 worked mighty hard to win her as my patient. . .now, now I am going 
 to take care of her ! . . . 
 
 MAXIE [Sardonically]. Make way for the Doctor!. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Placing her head on his shoulder and getting hold of her, 
 Robert lifts her from the chair, Louise assisting taking hold of her legs, 
 Maxie and Belinda wheel in a couch from the alcove to the middle of 
 the library, Robert placing Mrs. Lawton on couch in a reclining posi- 
 tion , facing audience.] 
 
 LOUISE [More composed]. Prescribe something for her, Robert 
 dear, as soon as she recovers ; rose water, or bread pills, anything, any- 
 thing ! 
 
 MAXIE [Instructively]. Take my advice and make it strong! 
 Quinine and water ! She has no confidence in a medicine unless it is 
 both strong and bitter. [Pause.] She told me so yesterday. 
 
 LOUISE. Maxie is quite right, quite right for once. 
 
 ROBERT [While they are talking, Robert unbuttons Mrs. Lawton's 
 shirtwaist at the top, tearing up in excitement the collar and upper 
 part of the shirtwaist, and with the skill of an osteopath, manipulates 
 the nerve centers, applying his pointed fingers to her bare shoulders, 
 cheeks and forehead. 
 
 [In dumb show he motions Belinda to draw the portieres between 
 the dining-room and library, to which she quickly responds and with- 
 draws, D. R. The drawn portieres hide completely the mass in the 
 drawing-room from Mrs. Lawton's view as she opens her eyes.] 
 
 [Maxis. moves upstage in the opposite direction, withdrawing at 
 door L.] 
 
 ROBERT [Whispers into Louise's ear, and as Mrs. Lawton opens 
 her eyes, Robert moves his jaw rapidly without making a sound, Louise 
 following his example.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Trying hard to catch a sound] . I am stone deaf 
 ...deaf... that is f rightful ... as deaf as a post. .. [Listening more 
 
46 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 closely.] What did you say? [Emphatically.] I am sure you said 
 something. . .Which of us is going mad, you two, or I? 
 
 ROBERT [Watching Mr. Lawton, then dramatically, hands to 
 both sides of his head, as if terrified, in an undertone, as if whisper- 
 ing]. Good God, this is awful!. . .1 have certainly cut off the wrong 
 leg!!!... 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Draws her legs under her, lays flat on her back, 
 feeling her hips in turn, hysterically] . I am scared to death, unnerved 
 competely !. . .Oh, my eyes, my cheeks. . .Am I out of my wits. . .Will 
 I ever survive it. . .Am I going to die?. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Reassuring]. You are doing well, very well indeed! 
 [To Louise.] Feed her on milk, milk only. . .mixed with a little quin- 
 ine for the first few days!. ...In a month she will forget that she was 
 sick. 
 
 LOUISE [Respectfully]. Your orders shall be obeyed. [Grate- 
 fully.] Oh, Doctor, how can I sufficiently thank you!. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [To Louise, regaining consciousness, holding her 
 skirts down]. Hand me the hand glass. . . [Louise hands her the hand 
 glass from the mantd nearby. Mrs. Lawton examining herself in 
 mirror, after a pause.] Only the shadow of my former self, only a 
 shadow !. . . [Hysterically.] Oh, Doctor, Doctor, I am not a bit nervous, 
 but will I survive it?. . . [Drops hand glass with a shriek of horror,] 
 Willi live?... 
 
 LOUISE [To Robert, aside]. Keep it up and she will collapse in 
 earnest !. . . [To her mother.] You have heard from the Doctor's own 
 lips that you are doing well. [Petting her.] This should encourage 
 and satisfy you. [Kissing her. Then to Robert, aside.] Get her out 
 of this, it is getting dangerous. 
 
 ROBERT [Aloud]. I assure you, Miss, it was nothing more than 
 a temporary hallucination when your mother probably thought she 
 saw things ! Somehow, somewhere. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Repeating]. — probably thought she saw things ! 
 Why . . . surely . . . surely ... 
 
 ROBERT [Warningly]. You are all nerves, my friend, do be care- 
 ful. [Stroking the back of her hair]. 
 
 LOUISE. Don't excite yourself, mother, don't excite yourself. All 
 your visions are chestnuts ... 
 
 ROBERT [Putting a little spoon in Mrs. Lawton's mouth, making 
 her say Ah, Ah, Ah, then to Louise]. This people believe more in 
 their nightmares than you and I in the things we actually see. Don't 
 try to dispute with her. . .It is part of her sickness, you know. . . 
 
 LOUISE [Coaxingly]. You will be careful, mother dear. 
 
 MAXIE [In the hall to Belinda]. Keep out of the room. 
 
ACT TWO 47 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Dreamily]. I hear voices!. .. [Feeling her legs 
 in turn.] I thought I lost my legs. . . [Again examining her hips.] It 
 must have been a horrible nightmare. [Picking up her hand glass 
 again.] Can it be possible that I am only run down? Only run down? 
 [To Robert.] And do you really think that a month in bed will cure 
 me ? Oh, Doctor, you are giving me a new lease on life. 
 
 ROBERT " 
 
 You are getting on splendidly. Your pulse is regular. [To Louise.] . . . 
 A regular pulse . . . but there are a few symptoms which I must still 
 watch. .. [Taking out his watch from R. vestcoat pocket and calling 
 her attention to it, as he holds it some distance from her ear.] Do 
 you hear the ticking of this watch? [Mrs. Lawton indicates with a 
 nod of the head that she does, and he accordingly removes the watch 
 to some further distance.] Now, now!. . . [Trying the other ear and 
 convincing her that her hearing is not affected.] Splendid, splendid ! 
 I am overjoyed, it couldn't be better. I will cure you, I know I will ! 
 [Motioning her to lie down again, to which she complies with child- 
 like obedience, as he strokes the back of her hair.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Closing her eyes]. The Doctor, the dear, kind 
 
 doctor!. . . 
 
 [Noticing their opportunity, Robert and Louise kiss and embrace. 
 Maxie looks in through the slightly drawn portieres, Belinda through 
 door left, as the curtain falls.] 
 
t 
 
 48 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 Act III. 
 
 [Evening of the following day. Same scene as in the two 
 previous acts. The ceiling in the dining-room has been fixed and 
 the silver on the sideboard replaced, but the crockery on the plate 
 rail is missing.] 
 
 [Discovered, Mrs. Lawton reclining on couch in the library 
 facing audience. Robert, dressed as the doctor, standing on the 
 right facing her. 'Both are in elegant evening clothes. Mrs. 
 Lawton convalesing.] 
 
 [As the curtain rises, Robert is discovered lifting coffee cup and 
 drinking.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Sipping some milk]. As I taste your medicine, 
 dear, kind doctor, [Eyeing him admiringly.] every answering fibre in 
 my body tells me that this is what was wanted, the real, real stuff ! . . . 
 
 ROBERT [Eyeing the glass of milk, aside]. Oh, my milk bottle, 
 well have you done your work ! [Aloud.] I am glad you have for- 
 gotten all about the broken crockery and the rest of it. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Agitated, making an effort and finally succeeding 
 in sitting up] . I have forgotten, have I ! That plate breaker will do 
 well never to enter my house again!... If he does... I will not send 
 him to hell. ..Oh no. . . [Getting hold of her pillow with the left hand 
 and liqueur bottle with the other, threateningly, shaking the bottle in 
 front of the pillow, as if the pillow were the real living enemy.] I 
 will raise it! 
 
 ROBERT [Amazingly calm, relieving her of the bottle and pillow 
 in turn and replacing to former positions]. Don't excite yourself, my 
 friend. If he should turn up, we will both deal with him as he de- 
 serves. [Placing both of his hands to her forehead until she is re- 
 duced to a reclining position, same as at opening of act ; picks up his 
 coffee cup, taking a few paces about the room.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Regaining her composure] . Dear Doctor ! Your 
 masterful hand on my forehead is so soothing and consoling. [Pause.] 
 May I trouble you again. [Robert, replacing his cup on little stand, 
 rubbing her forehead.] Dear, kind Doctor, I don't know what I would 
 have done without you, you have saved my boy and [Coquettishly.] 
 you have done a lot for me. . . [Extending her right hand.] How is 
 my pulse to-day ? . . . 
 
 ROBERT [Taking out his watch, which he holds in his left hand,, 
 holding her wrist with his right]. Seventy-six and one-eighth. 
 [Pause.] Almost normal ! 
 
ACT THREE -49 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Gratified], Such an improvement on yesterday's 
 seventy-six and three-quarters!. . .For all this I am truly grateful. 
 
 ROBERT [Picking up his coffee cup and drinking]. Nothing but 
 complete obedience on the part of the patient could have brought 
 about such wonderful results. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Eyeing him closely]. My dear, dear Doctor, 
 there is something about you personally which makes me feel that we 
 have met before!. . .Don't I remember you'?. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Composed]. No, no, but you will!. . .Oh, it was worth 
 a whole hfetime to secure your patronage!. .. [Making her comfort- 
 able.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Dear, kind Doctor, how will I ever repay you 
 for your kindness. 
 
 ROBERT [Sipping his coffee]. Pray don't mention it, the privilege 
 is all mine, all mine, I assure you. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Sipping some milk and replacing glass on tray]. 
 Believe me, although a woman, I am not of the fainting kind! Oh, 
 no! But [Her eyes fixed on the chandelier in the dining-room, and 
 then wandering in the direction of the sideboard.] when I saw my 
 entire collection of imported china on the plate rail fall to the ground 
 and break into a thousand pieces, my brain reeled and... I fainted! 
 Oh, when I think of this plate breaker! [Grabs the pillow again and 
 stretches her hand for the bottle.] 
 
 ROBERT [Getting hold of the bottle, then makes a few paces 
 towards opening leading into dining-room, fixing his gaze on the bare 
 plate rail]. Fate can be very cruel at times!. . .but [Sympathetically.] 
 since. I have gained through it such an interesting patient, you will 
 allow me, I trust, to send you a duplicate set and make good. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Earnestly]. I wouldn't hear of it! I am under 
 the greatest obligation to you as it is. 
 
 ROBERT [Protestingly, replacing his cup on tray]. I have done 
 nothing! [Pause.] Nothing more than any other person placed in 
 my position would do ! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Gratefully]. Ah, dear, kind Doctor. . .you have 
 done me a world of good! [Playfully.] Now, now... do you really 
 think that tight lacing is bad for consumption? 
 
 ROBERT [Playfully]. No, no, not at all. [Pause.] It is what it 
 lives on ! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Takes up coffee pot and is about to pour out 
 some more coffee for him]. 
 
 ROBERT [Protestingly]. Thank you, no more for me! A doctor 
 should not indulge too much in a beverage which he forbids to most 
 of his patients. 
 
50 • MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Replacing coffee pot to former position]. Come 
 now the truth, my friend, are very tight corsets really injurious to 
 the brain ? 
 
 ROBERT [Earnestly]. My dear, dear friend, not in the least, not 
 in the least, for one who has brains never wears them. The more a 
 woman's waist is like an hourglass, the sooner will the sands of life 
 run out. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. Ah, you doctors are very strict! 
 
 ROBERT [Sincerely]. True, this is our weakness and at the same 
 time the source of our strength. Caution is the Parent of safety and 
 moderation is the silken string running through the pearl chain of all 
 virtues. Dyspepsia is the reward of a guilty stomach. You cannot 
 draw a bill on the bank of health without meeting it, doctor or no 
 doctor ! . . . The best physicians are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet and 
 Doctor Merryman. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. You doctors stop at nothing to amuse us, even 
 when it is at your own expense, who are you, Doctor Foolthem or 
 Doctor Commonsense?. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Playfully]. Both!. . .True, we often care more about 
 pleasing our patients than telling them the truth. What would become 
 of my practice if I told all my patients that their symptoms are no 
 token of diseases? [Pause.] But it is true that the treatment some- 
 times causes the disease. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Confidentially] . I have often thought that the 
 necessity for taking pills, even little ones, at regular intervals, acts as 
 a perpetual reminder of illness which retards recovery. 
 
 ROBERT [Quickly]. You can't accuse me of giving you any! 
 Disease generally comes to those who have been preparing for it, and 
 most aches and pains are remedial moves on the part of nature to keep 
 us well ! What one really needs is to acquire the health habit. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Repeating]. The health habit? 
 
 ROBERT [Earnestly]. Exactly! [Pacing about the room.] 
 Boiled down to reail facts, no illness can be cured until the patient 
 changes his mind and gets a new method of thinking, when we forget 
 ourselves in useful effort we are well. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Protestingly]. Am I to believe that progressive 
 whist, or bridge., .could do away permanently with doctors and ana- 
 tomists, anatomists, who in muscle, nerve and bone find all the mys- 
 teries of life? 
 
 ROBERT [Consulting his watch]. I am not the man to knock my 
 own profession, but it is, nevertheless, true that nine-tenths of the 
 people that go to a physician have nothing the matter with them, 
 nothing that can be cured by drugs or that could not better be cured 
 without drugs. The best physician is fresh air, the best pill is pure 
 
ACT THREE 51 
 
 fare. No two bodies are alike. What is food for one is poison for 
 another, and therefore the fallacy of specific drugs for specific diseases 
 is self evident. [Again consulting his watch and holding it in his 
 hand.] 
 
 MRS, LAWTON [Pointedly]. Are you in a hurry to return home 
 to your wife ? 
 
 ROBERT [Replacing watch, meaningly]. I am still single, a faith- 
 ful member of the bachelor's club. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. Home is the best club in the world, 
 that is, when one gets a home of his own... You are single!. . .Does 
 it mean that you admire too many women too well, or possbly too 
 many too little? 
 
 ROBERT [Cunningly]. Quite simple. I admire the sex collectively. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. It is original and has its advantages ... It gives 
 everybody a little hope!. .. [Pause.] Ah, it did not take me long to 
 recognize your good qualities. As soon as I saw you I instantly said, 
 here is a man, that is a man !. . . 
 
 ROBERT [Gallantly]. You are very kind. . .1 assure you the feeling 
 of admiration is mutual. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Confidingly], I have taken to you from the 
 start, but. . .young girls are different. My daughter, sir. . .of course, 
 I will put in a good word for you, but... it is to ourselves that we 
 must look to in such matters. 
 
 ROBERT [Cunningly]. My specialty, you know, is medical, not 
 feminine research. . .but [Playfully.] do you think I stand a chance? 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Encouragingly]. I should say an excellent one. 
 You are a fine catch for almost any girl. . .1 would like you to get into 
 the race and win. 
 
 [Maxie ,unseen by Mrs. Lawton, enters the room, hiding behind the 
 couch and nudging Robert from time to time, then exits as he enters.] 
 
 ROBERT [Meaningly, pressing her hand]. If you will excuse me, 
 I will go to Maxie, my more serious patient. 
 
 [The street bell rings.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. By all means, Doctor. [Pause.] I was just 
 going to remind you. . . [Exit Robert.] 
 
 [Enter Louise, neatly dressed, carrying a bulky bundle, a mischiev- 
 ous twinkle in her eye.] I have some good news, mother. [Em- 
 phatically.] Some very good news. . . 
 
 [Placing bundle on floor near her, then smelling flowers on her 
 corsage.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Hopefully, her hand on Louise's waist line]. So 
 have I ! I have some dandy news. 
 
 LOUISE [Teasingly]. What is yours? 
 
52 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Eyeing the bundle suspiciously, then putting 
 finishing touches to Louise's dress.] The Doctor is single. He is not 
 married, he is not married. . .not married. 
 
 LOUIS [Mischievously picking up bundle]. My news is better, 
 much better. [Pause.] The playwright has returned ! [Unwrapping 
 bundle and displaying Mss. seen in Act L] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Disturbed, throwing the cushions on the floor, 
 and lifting her feet in turn]. Jesus, Maria and Joseph!. ..The devil 
 he has ! Will I ever again succeed to live in peace in my own home ? 
 
 LOUISE [Gaily]. Mother, darling... He is no longer gloomy... 
 several pages of his soaked through Mss. have been saved. . .Accord- 
 ingly, and in equal proportion he says there is hope for the American 
 dram^ ! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Imploringly, picking up Mss. and handing them 
 to Louise]. Get rid of him, Louise, get rid of him; threaten him with 
 the police ; salute him' with cold water, and if it doesn't work, get the 
 dog. He showed a great deal of respect for the dog during his other 
 call. 
 
 LOUISE [Disappointed — replacing Mss. to former position] . Why, 
 mother darling, you forget, he is a playwright, a dramatist. [Wrap- 
 ping up the Mss.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. What of it? When I want real good drama, I 
 go to a moving picture show, and when I want real exciting play, I 
 take a trip to Monte Carlo. . .1 can do without him. . .1 assure you. . . 
 his profession does not interest me in the least. . .You wouldn't catch 
 me reading their rubbish, I can tell you ! How one million of our good 
 people can keep on wasting their time on scribbling such stuff as we 
 see produced, is a mystery to me. 
 
 LOUISE [Disappointed]. Oh, mother dear, mother darling, surely, 
 surely 1 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. This man has got on my nerves, I 
 tell you. . .If I were not an invalid confined to my bed by the doctor's 
 orders, I would exercise my fingernails, set my ten commandments in 
 his face and make his two eyes as black as he made my beautiful rugs ! 
 . . . [Grabs the pillow again and punches it with her hand instead of 
 taking the bottle.] I would make him look so nice that he would be 
 refused at the Morgue. 
 
 LOUISE. One thing is clear, mother, you are not in a receptive 
 mood to-night. [Replacing the pillow and making her comfortable.] 
 
 [Enter Belinda. Old clothes and linen of the masculine wardrobe 
 on her shoulders, her hair is in curie papers. She has evidently pre- 
 pared to retire for the night.] 
 
 BELINDA [Pointing to the loose clothing] . The playwriter's ward- 
 robe have arrived, a whole lot of it. Where is 1 to put dem? 
 
ACT THREE 53 
 
 LOUISE [Handing Belinda the bundle of Mss. belonging to Robert, 
 after counting and re-counting them carefully from both ends several 
 times]. Mother's comphments to the playwright. Tell him that she 
 is indisposed and that the room is already taken. [To her mother.] 
 Don't excite yourself, my dear, it wastes your strength. 
 
 BELINDA [Taking bundle]. When I dink of dis man upsettin' my 
 washin'. . .1 feel blue all over! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. I hate him! I hate him! He is. . . 
 
 LOUISE [To her mother]. Such an excess of hospitality is super- 
 flous. Belinda, tell him that mother is indisposed and make an apology ! 
 
 BELINDA [Excitedly, replacing bundle on floor and rearranging 
 her apron]. Good Lord, Miss, how is I to make it?. . .1 got no eggs, 
 no butter to make it wid. [Pause.] When I make sometin' I likes 
 to use the regular stuft, notin' pickled or canned. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Unnerved] . Shup up ! You talk like wood, Be- 
 linda. [Emphatically.] I am through with hm, you understand, and 
 I am true telling!. . . 
 
 BELINDA [Disappointedly]. Dem is harsh words !. . . [Picking up 
 bundle again.] Yeas, m-m! Yeas, m-m. [Eyeing Mrs. Lawton, 
 aside.] Such hignorance of cookin' ! I's actually shamed of her. 
 
 ]\IRS. LAWTON [To Belinda] . For the love of Hoboken and Jer- 
 sey City, send him away ! Yes . . . tell him to clear out ! . . . Make him 
 see that he is not wanted. . . 
 
 BELINDA [Clenching her fists as she exits]. Oh, wouldn't I give 
 him Jessy. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Collecting her thoughts]. We were talking of 
 the doctor, dear. He is a man of brains, as well as position. [Ex- 
 citedly.] Make him propose; watch your chances, watch your chances 
 get married, my dear. Lay aside sentiment and stick to business, for 
 that is all there is to marriage, whether you call it moni-matters 
 or matri-money. . .1 wish I could find a way of leaving you two 
 alone for a while [Despairing] but here am I, an invalid, chained to 
 the couch, an invalid, an invalid ! 
 
 BELINDA [From hall to Robert]. We has no rooms for play- 
 writers, no accommodation for hellevators of de drarmar, brush right 
 out of 'ere, brush right out...You's in de wrong car, I tell yer. . ^ 
 yea. de wrong car!. . .Git a transfer, git a transfer, fade away, fade 
 away. 
 
 LOUISE [Cautiously to Mrs. Lawton]. The doctor seems a decent 
 sort, but he is not the only one. [Pause.] Why should you be against 
 my Robert, the actor. Robert is a model young man, he does not smoke, 
 drink, chew, gamble, nor go to church. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Dubiously]. He doesn't drink? 
 LOUISE. Not a drop, mother, not a drop, not even gravy! 
 
54 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Thoughtfully]. I though that as an actor he 
 always plays drunken parts, and is constantly rehearsing them. Be it 
 as it may, Louise, the doctor is simply charming and nothing of con- 
 sequence has happened to make me change my view about your actor. 
 
 LOUISE [Aside]. Robert's doctoring is upsetting everything!... 
 [To her mother.] Ah, mother darling, you are entitled to your opinion 
 but I beg to differ, after all, your marriageables don't show up nearly 
 as favorably with my actor! [Pause.] You said some unpleasant 
 things bout him, but I have made my own inquiries [Pause] and they 
 are rehable!. . . [Reading.] "After making inquiries about your charmer 
 I find that Robert Emerson is considered in the profession not merely 
 a star among actors, but a great actor among stars! [Pausing in her 
 reading, whatching the expression of her mother's face.] Sampson of 
 old only moved the house, Robert Emerson carries it." 
 
 BELINDA [From the hall, making grimaces]. Oh yeas, m-m, I tol' 
 him [with a twinkle in her eye to Louise.] an' he have gone ! You will 
 neber hear of dis playwrighter no more. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Gives a sigh of relief, then to Louise]. You say 
 Robert is a great actor, well honors are cheap, but what does he earn ? 
 
 LOUISE [Continuing reading]. "Robert Emerson gets $500. a 
 week all the year round, travels in Pullman cars and stops at the best 
 hotels." 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Brightening up]. Travels in Pullmans, does he? 
 
 [Street bell rings again.] 
 
 LOUISE [Continues]. "He has the skill of Sir Charles, the intellect 
 of Robertson and the wit of Alexander." Come, mother, say yes, like 
 a man, I mean, a woman. 
 
 [Enter Belinda, dragging a large box filled with books — all excite- 
 ment, placing box on floor.] 
 
 BELINDA. Oh, yeas m-m, m-m ! De lawyer's library have arrived 
 Two express vans loaded to de tops an' dere am more comin'. Cricky 
 an' Jerusalem, ain't it jolly ! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Disturbed— pointing]. Mother of Peter and 
 Paul, another double barrel shoke!. . . [Determined.] My compliments 
 to the lawyer. . and the address of the Harlem cold storage for the 
 expressman [Writing on a card and handing it to Belinda. I will not 
 harbour in m|y house so many valuable books on this hocus pocus 
 science. [Excitedly.] Take that box away ! 
 
 BELINDA [Tucking up the sleeves of her shirtwaist and getting 
 hold of the box]. I'll tell him, mam, I'll tell him I [Exit Belinda.] 
 
 LOUISE [Artfully]. You are right, mother!... If we must have 
 lawyers, let us have lawyers with a sense of justice, men who would 
 uphold justice even when it is against the law, men pleading for the 
 
ACT THREE 55 
 
 enforcement of justice in defiance of laws. . .men who would work for 
 truth. . .with the revolving of its giant wheel, insisting upon destroying 
 what exists in the name of what ought to exist, men concerned with 
 the living spirit of justice. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [To Louise]. That is it exactly. My dear child, 
 [Affectionately.] I have learned a great deal during the past few days 
 and admit that all other professions which I idealized do not make 
 nearly as good a showing as your actor, the administrator of good 
 cheer. 
 
 LOUISE [Earnestly]. I assure you, mother, that to-day no apology 
 for the stage is needed. It has but to be named to be honored. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. True, but. . . [Playfully.] the Doctor. . .the Doc- 
 tor... he is such a charming fellow, personally. I am a different 
 woman since I have met him. . .The Doctor must be dealt with first. . . 
 LOUISE [Discouraged]. But, mother dear, the Doctor has not 
 asked me. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Pleadingly]. Give him time... Your father 
 courted me six full weeks before we were engaged. 
 [The telephone bell rings.] 
 
 LOUISE [Picks up receiver, then turns is over to Mrs. Lawton]. 
 It is the spiritual heir of the cotton whigs. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Taking receiver, listening for a moment, then 
 placing her hand on mouthpiece of telephone]. Yes, it's the lawyer 
 on the phone!. .. [Listening and repeating.] What? All I have lost 
 is my temper. . .who will pay me for my beautiful rugs... they are 
 completely ruined... No, I am not trying to make a fool of you. 
 It's one of your natural qualifications...! h&ve insulted your man- 
 hood... You will sue me for damages !.. .good !.. .1 say, what 
 will it cost me if I call you impudent? Yes. .. [Spelling.] I-m-p-u- 
 d-e-n-t. . .Five hundred dollars! As much as that !... Well, then, 
 kindly observe that I have not called you by that name yet, but if you 
 lower your price !. . .Yes, I am tempted to meet your terms !. . . [Hangs 
 up receiver.] I have seen things like him in cheese!. . . 
 
 LOUISE [Kissing her mother affectionately]. Trust my dear, kind 
 mother, for a timely answer, inoffensive, yet telling! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Grabbing the bottle and pillow, punching pillow 
 with bottle, as above] . Oh, if I could only throw these things at him 
 through the telephone ! 
 
 LOUISE [Pacifies her mother, replacing the articles]. 
 [Enter Belinda.] 
 
 BELINDA [At the door] . De promoter, M-m, De Mr . . . Mr. Wind- 
 man- Waterit have returned. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Oh, my God ! This caps the climax. 
 
56 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 BELINDA. He have papers for you to sign ! A whole lot of papers 
 he say!. . . [Handing his card to Mrs. Lawton.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Great mackerel! [Pause.] The old lease is 
 enough for me!. . . [Tearing up the card in a rage and scattering the 
 pieces on the floor. To Behnda.] Telephone. . .telephone to the Board 
 of Health to remove him and his dirt. 
 
 LOUISE [Teasingly]. I understand he is a man of means, [Whis- 
 pering.] of means! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Yes, yes, I know, the meanest man in New 
 York ! . . . [An expression of terror and fear co-mingle m her face — is 
 about to grab the pillow but thinks better of it.] I am positively afraid 
 of that man! [Hearkening, then looking up to the ceiling to reassure 
 herself that there is no more falling crockery.] Get rid of him, Be- 
 hnda, get rid of him! [Under her breath.] and. ..tell Maxie to tele- 
 phone to police headquarters. . .if necessary. . .Heaven help the woman 
 that allows such a man to get a mortgage on her heart ! . . . 
 
 LOUISE [Reassuring]. Never fear, mother dear, he will not for- 
 close on me! [To Belinda.] Just tell him that for my sake, mother 
 gives him his hfe. . .Tell him to go to. . . 
 
 BELINDA [Heroically]. I will see de plate-breaker out. Yeas, 
 m-m, yeas, m-m' [Displaying her strong arms.] I'll see him out. I'll 
 cut dis shoulder of mutton as if it were cream cheese. [As she exits.] 
 Oh, wouldn't I have him on the half shell. 
 
 [The slamming of street-door is heard. Mrs. Lawton gives a sigh 
 of relief.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. We were speaking of the Doctor, dear. 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. I have nothing against him, but, mother 
 darling, I am not the least bit excited over the advantages of his pro- 
 fession. The Doctor himself looks up to Robert as his superior ! "An 
 ounce of mirth," he says, "is worth a pound of sorrow and that good 
 cheer and merriment succeed where drugs fail." 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Amazed]. The Doctor says that ? [Pause.] And 
 does he know Robert. 
 
 LOUISE [Emphatically at the door within hearing of Robert] . They 
 are the closest of friends, in fact, they are inseparable!. . .Robert's is 
 the inspired face of art. He makes music of mysteries and wrings 
 poetry from prose. Oh, mother, mother dear, you should see Robert 
 acting, dazzled by the glitter and the glamour which each night sur- 
 rounds him, the finish he puts to his acting, the light in his eyes, their 
 expression changing with every change of emotion, every phase of 
 thought, the glow of his cheeks, the passion of his voice, so effectively 
 rendered that it brings down the house, the spirit which inspires him. 
 Yes! Pie seems like one inspired, inspiration springing from an 
 elevated mind; one passion chasing another from his heart. He has 
 
ACT THREE 57 
 
 a heart to resolve, a head to contrive and a hand to execute. His 
 inspirations, passions, fire, feeHng and force are submHme. Ah ! think 
 of a brilhant and enthusiastic audience watching his every look and 
 movement, and admit that the interpreter of genius must, by inspira- 
 tion of their thoughts, gain some of their nobility. Ah, mother darhng, 
 there is no nobler srtucture than the stage, the music, the lights and the 
 sea of faces set the actor's blood tingling and he is bound to give the 
 best there is in him ! I have only to shut my eyes and again my hero 
 stands before me. [Pauses.] Oh, mother, mother dear, shall I send 
 for Robert? 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Thoughtfully]. I will go to the theatre the first 
 night Robert plays. As to your marriage — concentrate on the Doctor 
 all the same, he is the proper man for you, the Doctor, the Doctor ! 
 
 LOUISE. My Robert is the happy combination of art and nature 
 ...His conduct of a love scene is an object lesson, and the stage he 
 walks he owns. [Disheartened.] What could you see in the.Doctor! 
 MRS. LAWTON. Ah, this doctor is different. [Playfully.] Con- 
 centrate on the Doctor, my dear, the Doctor, the Doctor! Nail him 
 to the counter. 
 
 LOUISE [Impatiently]. My dear mother! It is not such a glorious 
 thing to be a doctor!. . .All honest doctors practically admit that drugs 
 <:an only repress symptoms, they cannot eradicate diseases. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Doctoring, my dear, is an art, and what do we 
 care about science, since the more appalling the operation, the more 
 the surgeon is paid. 
 
 LOUISE. Doctors have to face all kinds of weather at all hours. 
 The worse people are the more they associate with them. . .and their 
 money stops coming in as soon as they stop going out ! My Robert is 
 an American in his genius, a cosmopolitan in his attainments, his art. 
 MRS. LAWTON. I am taken with this doctor as a man, with me 
 it is his charming personal qualities that carry. 
 [Enter Behnda.] 
 
 BELINDA [Excitedly]. He have gone, he've gone! 
 LOUISE [Inquiringly]. What did you tell him? 
 BELINDA [Grinning]. "Mrs. can't express her feelings," I says. 
 "Express mine," he says. "I don*t want dem" ! 
 
 MRS LAWTON [Sternly]. I told you to say I was out. 
 BELINDA [Grinning]. He heard you and I tol' him. . .1 tol' him! 
 My compliments to your Mrs., he says, please be good enough to tell 
 her dat, I didn't call. [Enter Robert.] 
 
 ROBERT [Studying the expression of their faces as his guide]. My 
 other patient is doing well, I may say remarkably well. [Extending 
 his hand for a flower to Louise.] Don't refuse me one of your beau- 
 tiful flowers, so long as they are blooming, I will see in them your face. 
 
58 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 LOUISE [As she hands him a flower, which he places in his button- 
 hole]. Ah, Doctor, if you had only returned a few moments sooner! 
 . . . We have had a most unwelcomed visitor, who has filled our flat 
 with trunks and boxes. . .Thank heavens, we are rid of him, but your 
 presence would have been most welcome. 
 
 ROBERT. [Playfully.] Nothing would please me more than to be 
 of service to you. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Gratefully]. Ah, Doctor, you have done enough 
 for us as it is. [Sighs.] What would I have done without you ! [Her 
 eyes full of meaning.] Maxie's illness and my own indisposition have 
 cast a gloom over my Httle Louise, she is rather lonely, would you 
 help me to cheer her up. [Whispering.] Ask her to play something! 
 Please do! [To Louise, meaningly, noticing that Robert is passive.]' 
 The Doctor says that a little music would do me most good. Would 
 you mind playing something for me^ for us. [Pause.] There is a good 
 girl. . eLet us have a good time, my dears ! 
 
 LOUISE [Protestingly]. Could not the Doctor speak for himself? 
 
 ROBERT [Plaintively]. Your mother is right. I shall be delighted, 
 delighted to hear you ! . . . 
 
 [Louise plays a popular air, Robert is the first to applaud and to 
 show his enthusiasm.] 
 
 LOUISE [To her mother, artlFuUy]. You see, mother dear, the 
 Doctor is the first to express satisfaction that my playing is over. 
 
 ROBERT [Aside, to Louise] . Your pianola is out of order. [To 
 Mrs. Lawton, protestingly.] Your daughter's hands are made for the 
 piano. It was charming, my favorite music, my favorite. . . [To Mrs. 
 Lawton.] She undoubtedly inherited her musical talents from her 
 mother. . . [Pointedly.] Even her eyes are very much like her mother's. 
 Ah, your daughter needs no eulogy, she speaks for herself. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Gratified.] Oh, Doctor, you do flatter!. .. [To 
 Louise.] Why not try a duet, you and the Doctor together, dear, it 
 sounds so much more interesting. [Aside, to Louise.] Put the chair 
 and piano stool close together, dearest, [Emphatically.] very close! 
 
 [Louise is rather bashful at first, but finally allows her mother to 
 persuade her. Robert and Louise play together, Louise is seated on the 
 piano stool, Robert on a chair near by — Robert touching Louise's hand 
 instead of the keys of the piano most of the time. Robert gets up when 
 the first number is finished. Louise remaining in her seat, Robert 
 placing his hands from behind on her shoulders.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly, clapping her hands] . Encore, encore, 
 encore! [Aside.] They are getting on splendidly! [Louise renews 
 her playing, Robert sits down on piano stool back to back with Louise, 
 imitating piano playing with his fingers up in the air ! ... In an effort 
 to free herself from the, heavy weight behind, Louise stops abruptly, 
 then turns around on her stool facing her mother, but Robert is equal 
 
ACT THREE 59 
 
 to the occasion and the stool with Robert at one end and Louise at the 
 other revolves several times before Robert, reversing his position, 
 bumps into Louise, then gets up facing her, bus.] 
 
 LOUISE [Noticing the delight on her mother's face and that the 
 time is opportune, whispers to Robert]. Kiss me, dear," kiss me... 
 [Louise extends her chin in eager expectation, Robert kisses her a loud 
 kiss, to Mrs. Lawton's amazement and delight.] 
 
 LOUISE [Aloud, protestingly]. I like your cheek, sir! [Aside.] 
 Kiss me again ! Attend to your business !. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Aside]. Good \. . .Ensnared, caught, trapped! 
 
 ROBERT [To Mrs. Lawton]. Who says that woman was only a 
 side issue? 
 
 LOUISE [Excitedly, aside]. Now the fatTs on the fire! 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [To Robert, severely]. Oh, this is too much! 
 
 ROBERT [Excitedly]. How much is it? 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [As aboe]. I can easily understand your feelings, 
 sir, [Pointedly.] but the liberty you have just taken is only allowed 
 to those who are engaged ! . . . What are your intentions towards my 
 daughter, sir? 
 
 ROBERT [Protestingly]. Believe me mme, nothing could give me 
 greater pleasure than to ask you for her hand, right here and now, but 
 my profession, my profession. . . [Interrupted.] 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly] . Yours, like all others, has its advan- 
 tages and its drawbacks, and after all it is the man, the man alone that 
 counts, professions — fiddlesticks — love is the only price at which true 
 love should be bought, everything else does not matter. [Emphatic- 
 ally.] My daughter loves you. , .You children have an attachment for 
 one another, that is enough. 
 
 LOUISE [Playfully]. Yes, you must make amends, ask mother. 
 
 ROBERT. Would I hesitate were it not for my profession? 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Exhausted]. His profession again. [Implor- 
 ingly.] I am an invalid, sir, but on my knees, on my bended knees, 
 I ask you to consider my daughter's affections for you ! 
 
 ROBERT [Moved], You are just the kind of woman I would love 
 to have as my mother-in-law. Believe me, mme, I am deeply touched, 
 but my profession, my pro. . . [Interrupted.] 
 
 LOUISE [Aside.] I say. Bob, you do want a, lot of humoring. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. For us women there is only one profession, 
 matrimony. Naturally, I am very anxious that my daughter should 
 marry the man she loves, love lubricates all the affairs of life! Money 
 is nothing. . .love everything...! care for nothing and am sure of 
 nothing but you . . . 
 
 ROBERT [Revealing his identity to Mrs. Lawton, handing her his 
 card]. My name, my real name. 
 
60 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. By my new Easter hat, can it be. . .It can. . .t'is 
 Robert, the actor, the actor, the actor ! Emerson, by all that is wonder- 
 ful! 
 
 ROBERT [Boldly]. Robert Emerson... by himself .. .Yes, Mrs. 
 Lawton, it was I who impersonated your Doctor in the hope of getting 
 nearer acquainted ! [Looking straight at her.] I rest my case, and 
 have nothing to take away from or to add to what I have told you. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. Perhaps, it was you who imper- 
 sonated the lawyer, and. . .and. . .the playwright, you. . .who smashed 
 my furniture! My blood boils when I think of it! You, the man 
 who filled my soul with fear and... my beautiful rugs with washing 
 blue...! 
 
 ROBERT [Compromising on a half truth To Mrs. Lawton, boldly]. 
 You don't suppose that I . . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Well, didn't you? 
 
 LOUISE [playfully coming to Robert's rescue]. No, mother dear, 
 [Winking at audience.] Robert is not a wizzard. [To Robert.] Mo- 
 ther has had an unpleasant experience with a playwright and her 
 opinion about his profession is not high. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [To Robert, offering her hand]. Please overlook 
 anything I may have said at a moment of excitement. [Pause.] I 
 could forgive everybody, but not this clumsy man on whose account 
 I may yet be dragged through the law courts and supreme courts of 
 our great land. 
 
 ROBERT [Pleasantly]. The prospect of a law suit, does not neces- 
 sarily mean a case for the Supreme Court, but should you ever get into 
 legal entanglements, take my advice and engage a good lawyer from, 
 the very start, law is for the lawyers. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. I suppose it does take a good lawyer to show us 
 how to evade the law, [Pause] to dig into the past and befog the 
 judges. . .but we were talking of the playwright. What is your opinion 
 about playwrights ? 
 
 ROBERT. To us actors, playwrights and dramatists are the heroes 
 and apostles of reason, the disciples of truth, who sow the seeds of 
 knowledge and whose thoughts light a flame in the brain of men ! They 
 are the leaders who enrich and enoble life, changing heart throbs into 
 songs in their lyrics of flame, holding high the holy torch and filling 
 the world with light. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Knowingly, but with less confidence]. I happen 
 to know that the two million a year paid to the million of playwrights 
 by American managers would only average two dollars a year each for 
 an author. [Pause.] This hardly corresponds with your high sounding 
 phrases! If actors and managers hold authors in such high esteem,. 
 
ACT THREE Gl 
 
 why don't they do something to enable them to earn bread and cheese 
 while working? 
 
 ROBERT [Earnestly]. I am not the attorney for the managers' 
 association or the profession, but it seems to me that a man who has 
 the opportunity to do serious work in this world should thank God for 
 the chance and find the reward in the work itself, in the doing. 
 
 LOUISE [Approvingly]. This is the proper spirit, my dear, the 
 only one, in fact v/hich makes dramatic work in America possible. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Dubiously]. There is merit in your statement, 
 only some authors may fail to make their grocer, butcher, baker and 
 candlestick maker accept it as legal tender and as payment in full ! . , . 
 As to you, sir. . .there is nothing to ask, I have already indicated that 
 I give my consent. 
 
 LOUISE. After careful reflection, mother has learned to consider 
 members of your profession among the foremost people of practical 
 usefulness, [To her mother.] You might have surmised from Rob- 
 ert's mannerism, you simpleton, that he was something more than a 
 mere doctor. 
 
 ROBERT [Protestingly]. Far be it from me to say anything more 
 against a profession which at least on this momentous occasion has 
 served me so admirably and so well. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. Don't spoil Robert, my dear. History tells us 
 that Daniel is the only man who' was not spoiled by being lionized !. . . 
 As to doctors, when you will have to do with them as much as I had 
 during the period of a lifetime, you will admit that they are the best- 
 mannered men. 
 
 ROBERT [Approvingly]. Quite right, mother, whatever may be 
 said against drugs and leg cutting, no class of men in our community, 
 with the exception of my own profession, have learned* so admirably 
 and so well the art of pleasing. Show me a doctor with a lucrative 
 practice and I will accordingly show you the polished man. 
 
 LOUISE [Admiringly]. On the stage Robert is called upon to im- 
 personate all sorts of people and to say all sorts of things, but oflf 
 the stage he has a pleasant thought and a kind word for everybody. 
 
 ROBERT [Plaintively]. -My views are simple and very far from 
 regarding as a lullaby of lies the triumphs of civilization; above all I 
 feel that all kinds of work necessary for public good, become honorable 
 by being necessary. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Inquiringly] . All kinds of work, even promoters. 
 [Confidingly.] A promoter offered Maxie for sale some waterfront 
 lots by the quart. [Pause.] Is this also a useful profession? 
 
 ROBERT [Earnestly]. My dear [ahem] mother, when Watt saw 
 the steam lifting the lid of his mother's tea kettle, he saw beyond that 
 
63 MARRIAGEABLES 
 
 fireplace the steam engine propelling ships and drawing cars, but how 
 far from his mother's steam kettle would Watt's invention have traveled 
 without the busines promoter? When I see the giant called steam 
 turning with tireless arm the countless wheels of toil or hear the elec- 
 tric spark flashing under all the waves of the sea, when I consider 
 electricity which has emancipated the mind from the body, and given 
 it wings, in fact when I contemplate all the latest discoveries which 
 have brought the world into one family and made intelligence inde- 
 pendent of distance, there is a warm spot in my heart for the business 
 promoter. 
 
 LOUISE [Sympathetically]. Yes, yes. 
 
 ROBERT. There is a long distance between the suspended spiders 
 web floating in your path and our suspended Brooklyn Bridge. With- 
 out the aid of skilled promoters Sir Samuel Brown would surely have 
 lost the way. 
 
 MRS. LAWTON. This and more I have learned to-day. . .profes- 
 sions in themselves are little or nothing, and after all it is the man 
 himself that counts. 
 
 ROBERT [Playfully]. I accept your apology. [Shaking Mrs. 
 Lawton's hand aflfectionately.] I forgive you, mother, for everything 
 I did and will do my best to make Louise happy. 
 LOUISE [Embracing Robert]. My life is yours. 
 ROBERT [Taking out a jewel box from his breast coat pocket and 
 displaying jewel, which in size, workmanship and quality commands 
 attention]. Pray, forgive my seeming negligence. This jewel, in- 
 tended as a trifling remembrance on your birthday, has been making 
 a hole in my pocket ever since. [Handing her the jewel.] 
 
 LOUISE [Accepting the jewel, both women admiring it]. It is 
 doubly welcome tonight. 
 
 [Enter Maxie in his shirt sleeves and without a collar, a rolled up 
 large print of a painting in his right hand.] 
 
 [Extending his arm, waving print in the air]. While waiting for 
 my onion porridge and during the time the onions were cooling, I have 
 made a rough sketch of my next painting [displaying a large print 
 from a familiar painting of the American fleet in full swing] and I 
 know the man who will buy it. [Digging Robert in the rib]. Do you 
 get me, Steve? 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Looking persistently and excitedly through her 
 eye-glass]. Not at all bad for half an hour's work, not at all bad. 
 ROBERT. Maxie certainly knows how to throw the bull ! . . . 
 MAXIE [Taking in the situation gaily]. I have completely recov- 
 ered, mother dear. It may seem improbable but it is true. I will not 
 need the operation, but you will need a minister. It is quite proper 
 
ACT THREE 63 
 
 for you mother dear to pay for the medicine, tut the doctor's visits 
 we should return. 
 
 MRS, LAWTON [Making an unsuccessful effort to get at his ear]. 
 The doctor has done excellently, he shall be paid in full ! 
 
 MAXIE [ProtestinglyJ. As a patient who has been on his best be- 
 havior I claim half the reward. 
 
 ROBERT [Patting him on the shoulder]. And as the star actor of 
 our little comedy drama with its happy ending, you well deserve it. 
 .You shall have it all. It is I who pays the bill ! 
 
 LOUISE [Refraining him]. No, Robert dear, it is I who pays, for 
 I am the greatest gainer 1 
 
 MRS. LAWTON .[Getting up from the couch for the first time dur- 
 ing this scene more to her personal gratification and amazement then 
 that of all the others present, who unnoticed by Mrs. Lawton exchange 
 glances ; protestingly] . It is I who pays and pays gladly ! [To Robert] . 
 In you I gain a son,, .not merely a husband for my daughter. [Ad- 
 miringly]. You are not merely a star among actors, but a star among 
 marriageables. 
 
 ROBERT [To Mrs. Lawton]. Thank you [then to Louise], exam- 
 ining Mrs. Lawton's dress]. Isn't mother's dress a stunner, and how 
 well it becomes her!. . . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Embraces Robert and Louise, from behind plac- 
 ing her right hand on Robert's shoulder and her left on Louise's]. As 
 a son-in-law I regard you as an excellent investment. 
 
 MAXIE [Overjoyed, jumps on the couch, waving his arm and hand- 
 kerchief, to Robert] you may take her as your wife, but send the 
 presents direct to me. 
 
 BELINDA [Enters with refreshments]. The goose hangs high. . . 
 [Placing tray on table — noticing the position, grinning]. She throwed 
 dem all for de hector! Golly, ain't it funny how dem dings turn out 
 sometimes, ain't funny, ain't it? 
 
 ROBERT. We are all here. . .one kind innocent little fact I miss 
 . . ,Topsy ! [Pause] It is such a delightful pleasure to have her about. 
 
 [All taking up their glasses.] 
 
 MAXIE [On the couch, glass in hand]. "To my future brother-in- 
 law, the friendliest of men, who takes the part of others so well and 
 always succeeds in making up, the man of men who gets paid for 
 playing, . . [Exit Belinda to kitchen.] 
 
 LOUISE [Protestingly], To Robert who works while he plays!. , . 
 
 MRS. LAWTON [Smilingly lifting her glass]. To Robert who 
 plays while he works and to the engaged pair, may good fortune shine 
 upon them and meet them everywhere; to my future son-in-law, 
 America's leading ambassador to the entertaining world. 
 
" — le 
 
 [Belinda returns with Topsy in her arms, L _® ?J"uus ner a glass 
 of wine.] 
 
 BELINDA [All excitement, as she accepts the glass from Louise]. 
 To de brightgroom. . .de favorite, of all de feminins and to de happy 
 pair, may your floors be paved wid pancakes, may all your pipes run 
 of milk and honey and de ceiling be covered with watermillions. [Ex- 
 tending her glass to the dog. . .but drinks it quickly when Topsy is 
 ready to taste it.] 
 
 MAXIE [To Belinda]. Ah, Belinda, my honey, you are a jewel 
 and the hope of the colored race ! . . . 
 
 ROBERT [Lifting his glass to Mrs. Lawton]. I thank you, my 
 dear mother and friends, I thank you!. .. [Eyeing Louise] I lift my 
 glass to the sister of the graces in the temple of love, where all men 
 worship, to her who shares our sorrow and doubles our joy, God's best 
 gift to men, the source of help, happiness and heaven, to our women, 
 our women, God bless them ! . . . 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
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