, ^'0%*. Afm^MAA WHwA A»A» » ..... A ..A i AAA**> LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. "YtU&BI @|a{t — Ew^ ijto UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. '^Mtf 'U/Vaa/V nCA»J ^»««a»^^^^P^* ?fl>*CMU' H& ^*aAA****A*C ***** W^$w®^~ WMI Wffi^& ***** ww:^ m^."% *,.«■ ."•A 'A %*A0^ ml AaaAAAA ■ •; - a - - " " ^ '' r .•C r **4;**'?*A*AA ■• '>/. , ^ * AV* *Mw r mm sj&sw a>wv* M^tfW A*,A* ■W^iiA^ Ml ' a*.*~ 4A il A2:^^;iilAM^« .a * Aa/A ! ^KRBY COEy s PHILOSOPHY ^'SZ%2?mm n BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY What Are We Here For, And What Is It AH About? A SERIES OF EPIGRAMMATIC REFLECTIONS ! CLOSING OF THE ^TH^^jsJRY. BRITANNICA PUBLICATION HOUSE, 95, 97 and 99 South Fifth Ave., New York PUBLISHERS, / r<« Entered according to Act of Congress in the year 1894, By William F. Cooper, In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. STERLING PRESS, 97 SOUTH FIFTH AVENUE, NEW YORK- DEDICATION. THIS WORK IS MOST RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED BY THE AUTHOR TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, The youngest, the most progressive, and greatest Christian nation in numbers and territory upon the earth AT THE CLOSING OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY, PREFACE. This book is a treatise on the following subjects: Judgment Day — When the World Was a Baby — What is Death and Hereafter, and How we Will Know Each Other Facially in the Next World — Our Conscience Our Soul — This Earth in Collision with the Planet Mars — How to be Happy, whether You've a Cent or Not ! In addition to these interesting sub- jects, this work contains a bountiful harvest of humor, useful knowledge, aphorisms, morals, and stories of travels, experiences and discoveries in the wilds of Africa and the antique Indian countries of Mexico, Central and South America, along with a few more things, boiled down with common sense and season- ing. The author of this volume is well aware that it will not stand the test of literary canons, but he can justly lay claim to at least one negative merit — it is not a compilation of one who never experienced vicissitudes of life and fortune, nor was not beyond the sound of a door bell, or out of reach of his mother's apron-string. In consideration of this, it is a firopos to suggest that it is Christian in spirit to have charity of the mind and heart for the Aborigine who will never be censured by God when he has conscien- tiously done the best he knew how under the circum- stances, and who will be as well received in heaven as though he had been a Demosthenes or a Cicero. Nature is a good mother, and will take care of her own. Truly yours, The Author. SUMMARY OF CONTENTS. A Bad Charge, page 35. A Beelzecoothy, 205. A Big Collection, 99. A Booby Son, 82. A Boss Fool, 139. A Case of Non-Regrettibus, 123 . A Charm Ihat Charms, 36. A Child's Prayer, 136. A Chin With a Useful Bird, 17. A Common Kinship, 94. A Curiosity Shop, 141. A Deserter,39. A Difficult Act in the Drama,28. A Duck Picking Lake, 128. A Flimsy Substitute, 203. A Fool's Argument, 59. A Fool in Town, 217. A Foolish Move, 46. A Fit Closing to our Century, 255. A Good Antidote, 24. A Good Word, 18. A Grave Industry, 125. A Great Advantage, 240. A Hard Problem, 91 . A Hard Seat, 156, A Happy Disposition, 111. A High Priced Commodity, 47. A Hybrid Critic, 138. A Lazy Definition, 147. A Lobo Wolf, 206. A Logical View of Covetousness, 46. A Human Bee-Hive, 13. A One Armed Horse Thief, 245. A Poor Match Maker, 37. A Poor Sign, 56. A Pocket Roof ,] 66. A Righteous Judge, 19. A Reliable 1 Person, 28. A Scarce A.rt cle, 160. A Sharp Buyer, 60. A Spark ing Goddess, 131. A Snap Shot, 152. A Spherical Calculation. 80. A Tale of Tails ,201. A Thankless Job,81, A Temperance Lesson,57. A Tip to Railroad Men, 21. A Useful Parlez Vous, 69. A Valuable Equipment, 170. About Giving a Dog a Bad Name, 100. Acquiring Habits, 133. Accidentia! Prompters, 78. Actual Needs 150. Advertising for a Wife, 221. Advertisements are Editorials,121. Affinity and Alimony, 45. After Chicago for Damages, 239. Age of the World, 137. Always Something to be Thankful For, 168. All Kinds Not Neces- sary, 22. All the Ills in the Catalogue. 126- Amendments, 42. Ananias and Sapphira, 151. Ancient Irish Mode of Fishing, 58. Antidotes for Weariness, 245- Arab Slave Traders, 56. As Others Hear Us, 81. At Sea, 90- Are There Too Many of Us? 186. Aztec Royalty, 12. Avoid Evil Influences, 53. An Idolized Child, 30. An American Mother's Lament, 27. An Architectural Pointer, 119. An Artful Tale, 238. An Electric Linguist, 175. An End to all Things, 39. An Every-Day Business Error, 44. An Experienced Christian, 104. B. Bad for the Faithful, 104. Bad Judgment, 227. Balm, 203- Bal- loon Toads, 248. Barbarism and Pockets, 25- Basis of Belief, 217, Become Acquainted With Yourself, 29. Better Than Doing Nothing, 222. Before Columb as, 92. Be Careful of Success, 150. Bimetal- ism, 115. Borrowed Merit, 146. Booms, 140. Born Failures, 34. Blessing Children of a Larger Growth, 119. Blessings in Adaptabi- lity, 49. Blessing of Misfortune, 81. Bleached Blond Monkeys, 79. Brains and Intelligence, 158. Breaking Loose, 20. Burial at Sea, 206. Burninsr a Woman at the Stake, 68. By Their Works Ye Shall Know Them, 95- Can't Please All, 29. Cannibal Etiquette, 212. Cannon Balls and Flattery, 248. Capital Is Free, 47. Carted Away, 175. Cat Mother VI BAREY COEY's PHILOSOPHY. to the Rat, 141. Chalchekamula, 201 . Chasing An Armadillo With a Can-Opener, 247. Chasing Lightning Bugs, 92. Chicago and Cincinnati Gives Up, 61. Church Militant, 236. Christ Wants No Suffering, 245. Christian Reason for the Future, 11. Cicero's Dream, 37. Civilization's Polish, 125. Civilization No Graft for the Heathen, 212 Comfort and Pleasure, 70. Courage and Con- viction, 30. Couldn't Give an Explanation, 243. Couldn't Mistake that Grave, 47. Couldn't Keep Away, 91. Costly Monuments, 161. Columbus' Ubiquity, 140. Come to Stay, 141. Comparison of Animals, 42. Compass Grass, 23. Competition, 31. Complaint of Foreigners, 155. Compulsory Honesty, 117. Contagion, 34. Con- dition of the World, 42. k onquest of Mexico, 164. Creation and Extermination, 36. Credulity Crime's Victim, 235. Cruelty to Nails, 169. Cure for Sea Sickness, 70. D. Dave's Poor Luck, 71. Dangerous to Be Safe, 69. De Bone Don't Fight, 246. Dear Money, 232. Details of Life, 18. Dentist Birds, 129. Definition oE a Working Man, 40. Died Young, 93. Dissolving Views, 157. Difficult Plans, 31. Did He Save the Saw ? 16. Difference Between Man and Woman, 27. Difference in Fools, 48. Difficult Part of Civilization, 22. Discretion and Valor, 23!, Divine Music, 236. "Don't Be a Clam," 163. Don't Protest Too Much, 199. Don't You Forget It. 166. Documentary Love, 32. Doc Went Also, 70. Doing as You Please, 56 . Don't Be Too " Flip," 160. Don't Remove the Bung, 207. Domestic Fish, 180. Don't Know What They're Fighting For, 48. "Doing Your Fellows for a Livelihood, 97. Do We Need a War? 75. Don't Be Too Ready With Bitter Truth. 80. Do You Wan' t to Live Your Life Again ? 170. Don't Do It, 141. Don't Fly Too High, 202. Don't Sugar-Coat It, 134. Do Right or Do Nothing, 51. Doing Unnecessary Things, 138. Don't Fear Injustice, 131. Dragged by an Anaconda, 19i Dress Reform, 2 12. Drive the Demon Out, 208 . Dupe Yet No Dupe, 235. Dust to Dust, 86. E. Eagerness, 48. Ear Troubles, 102. Echo, 79. Educated Frogs, 66. Educating a Fool, 25. Effect of Bad Times. 159. Egypt and Mexico, 211. Eighteen and Ninety Three, 22. Emigration, 84. En- chantment, 154. En Route, 127. Equality in Love, 158- Equally Cruel, 119. Establishing the Truth, 14. "Et Tu, Brute," 95. Even the Bravest Surrender, 85. Ever Lingering Near, 210. Every Country Has Its Scum, 120. Every Man's Duty, 132. Everybody May Be Successful, 189. Everything the Result of Something, 175. Every- body Not C nstituted Alike, 65. Eviis of Incumbrance, 68. Evils of Favoritism, 41 . Evils of a Rambling Mind, 45. Evil Occupation, 119. Excessive Expectancy, 31. Experts for Revenge Only, 157. Extinct, 17. Facts, 28. Facts versus Chirography, 156 . Fair Play, 179. False Friends, 241. Feverish Prosperity, 30. First Love, 92. Fire and Petroleum, 95. Fly Time, 1 5. Fool Lncubators, 243. Fools and Wise Men in the Same Boat, 22. Fountain of Youth, 191. Foresight BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. VII Undertaker, 41. Fortunes of the Future, 139. Free Love, 223. From Wh-m We Can Learn, 190. Fully Equipped, 69. Genteel Beggars, 110. Get Into the Harness, 98. Getting Mad, 198. Gigantic Liars, 235. Gir.s and Presents, 148. Giving Sin a Long Lease of Life, 106. Go Before Your Maker Unincumbered, 82. " God Bless the Man Who First Invemed Sleep," 76 God's Economy, 27. Gold a Disturbing Element, 113. Guod By, Boston, 107. Good Effects of Studious Thought, 161. Good for Nothing, 97. Good Nataredly,26. Good Medicine, 157. Good Sports Tainted, 132. Good Times oming, 189. Go Slowly on Starting, 234. Go Slow, 189. Grasshoppers on Toast, 121. Grave Signs of Man's Exodus, 36. Great Accomplishments, 33. Great Civilizers, 70. Great Men and Women, 54. Greediness, 23. Gullible Gambler's Faith, 149. H. Happy Roamer of the Forest, 237, Hard Times to Raise Money, 29. Hard to Forget a Child, 163. Hard Way to Earn a Living, 234. Harvest, 35 Has Its Day, 26. Have Some Pride About You, 222. Have to Back Water, 109. Have Patience, 25. Hawks' Claws, 209. Heartless Fascination, 157. Heavenly Instinct of an Infant, 130. He Greased His Mouth, 105. He'll Make a Good Canner, 53. Her Mother's Grave, 76. He Played Poker, 200. He Saw Millions in It, 150. Here— not Hereafter, 159. High Priced Kickers, 107. High Strang, 57. His Best Friend, 217. History Repeats Itself, 134. Hoarders of Money, 147, Holiness and Righteousness, 162. Home Made Relics, 114. Ho pels Va'uable Security, 83. House Upsetters, 238. How the World Is Run, 190. How to Get to China in Twelve Hours, 136. How to Keep People, 93. How to Take a Vacation, 204, How to Convert a Sinner, 16. How About This, 123. How to Pre- pare Green G.ffce, 202. How Whistling Started, 152. How toSettle Grievances, 41. How Would This Work With " the Finest? " 81. How the Human Family Utilizes Itself, 47. How to Be Happy Whether You've Got a Cent or Not, 251. How Bills Run Up, 174. How I received Inspiration of a Future Life, 121 . How to Say It, 24. How We Grow Critical, 132. How I Lost a Million, 106. How Many Will Turn Out Good, 153. How Ability Is Developed, 177. How Old Terra Will Wind Up, 229. How to Solve the Labor Question, 42 . How to Shoulder a Loss, 151. How our Minds Should Change, '233. How We Should Live, 218. How to do It, 80. How Money Is Made and Lost, 110. Human Weevils in the Flour of the Family, 62. Humiliating Charity, 133. Hymen's Hanks, 89. If I Could Only Recall, 109. If I Was in a Sinking Ship, 150. If These Had Their Say, 11. If They Were Women, 75. In a Bad Fix, 181. In and Out, 90. In at One Ear, etc., 83. Incentives to Progress, 84. Indian Wish Root, 220. Individuality, 117. Industriously Wrong, 64. Industry Punished by Fines, 40. Inevitable Penalties, 184. Influence of Imaginatton, 74. In Sheep's Clothing, 74. In the Midst of Life We Are in Debt, 27. 1 1 the Way of Ourselves, 120. Intricate Art, 177. Inventor and Transgressor, 244. .Invisible Grave Stones, 224. Is the Moon Broke ? 146. it All Depends, 145. It Does VIII BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. Sometimes Happen, 102. It Had Eyes, 185. It Is Possible to Have Too Much of Anything, 159. In Case of War With England, 96. Im- aginary Aristocracy, 223. Jawbone Statesmanship, 195. Judgment Day, 12. Just As Impossible, 107. Jnst to Have It Said, 58. K. Keep Cool, 178. Keep the Peace and Be Civil, 153. Keep Your Eyes Open, 204. Keep Your Weather Eye Open, 102 . Kicking against Their Own Doings, 139. Knights of Labor, 149. Knowledge without a Master, 114. Lack of Realization, 192. "Lady " and "Gentleman," 213. Latter Day Slavery, 140. Laughs, 33. Lawyers and Rip-Saws, 136. Law • yer and Litigant, 85. Leading Rulers, 36. Lead Them Not into Temptation, 74. Learned and to be Learned, 116. Leave Out the Weight, 105. Learn When You Can, 20. Let Thought Precede Ac- tion, 250. Let Us Annex Cana la, 61. Liberal Views, 115. Life Not a Burden, 167- Life Not a Failure, 133. Like an Infant, 168. Liv ing off God, 24. Living on Their Wits, 130. Living Science, 109. Logic and Bread, 193. Looking Backward, 233. Look Out for it, 97. Look Out for Schemers, 199. Look Out for Your Irons, 76. Look Within! 139. Lops 'em Off, 154. Love and Fear, 208. Love Never Dies, 23. Love of Locality, 56. Luck versus Pluck & Co., 60. Lunch Tasted Good, 84. M. Making Gods While You Wait, 65. Man and Wife, 103. Manly Men, 107. Man, 33. Man and Woman, 103. Man a Reservoir of Animal Nature, 52. Man Not Smart in All Things, 190. Man's Beginning, 7J. Man's Ingratitude— Dogs' Fidelity, 137. Man's Many Ways to Act the Fool, 1 18. Man's True Strength, 1 18. Man's Truck Patch, 191. Man's Unruly Toniu?, 111. Many Ways to Be Poor, 129. Mental Correspondence, 90. Mer oiaids and Sea Cows, 169. Min- strels Come Again No More, 59. Misconstruction, 188. Miseries of Office, 218. Mishaps, 101. Modern Trappers, 100. Modesty and Bravery, 145. Monkey, Horned Toads and Woodpeckers, 228. Worse Than Anarchy, 46- Mortifying. 87 . Mother Won't Be with You Always, 241. Mouth Wisdom, 65. Moving Is Healthy, 180. Mrs. Columbus, 167 . Must Keep the Engagement, 29. Myopia Not in It, 126. N. Needs Confirmation, 162. Never Appreciated Until After Death, 182. Never Bank on Anticipation, 181. Never Be too Quick to Take Offence, 224. Never Drown a Woe, 225. Never Find Fault with Weather, 82. Never Get Scared, 63. Never Give Up, *5. Never Live Long, 126. Never Out While You're In, 145. Never Spoil a Good Yarn, 108. Never Stoop to Little Things, 222. Never Surrender to Adversity, 237. Never Talk of Killing Time, 181 . Newspapers and Charity, BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. IX 189. No Bill of Fare. 89. No Excuse for Ungodliness, 109. No Faitl in Themselves, 232, ' No Hustle, No Get, 191. No Individual Birth- Days, 72. No Loafing, 142. No Occasion For Anybody to Be Idle, 26. No Place Like Home, 200. No Proprietorship, 158. No Rest in the Grave, 237. No Stop Over Place, 127. No Wonder They Fail ed, 33. Not All Your Friends, 132. Not AU Wrong, 53. Not as Bad as We Imagine, 21. Noted Persons, 1 95. Not Far Now, 226. Not for That Purpose, 74. Nothing Much Left to Patent, 93. Not in the Three R's, 149. Not the Most Learned, 18. Not Warranted, 154. Not Worth Doing Wrong for, 162. 0. Object Lessons, 138. Objective Charity, 170. Off Days, 163. Oh, What a Difference, 196. Old and New, 177. One Benefit of the Lale War, 88. One More Means One Les3, 72. One of the Evils of Uni- versal Suffrage, 82. One of the Many Sources of Lying, 131. ( ne- Sided Education, 114. Onlookers' Wisdom. 185. Opportunities, 49 . Optical Travelers. 33. Origin of Stone Builuings , 49. Orig n of the Four Hundred, 201 . Origin of Values, 50. Other Folks' Busi- ness, 35. Out of Place, 25 . Out of Sight, 155. Our Conscien e Is Our Soul, 122. Our Modern Social System, 51. P. Pan-American Dollar, 48. Pan Judgment, 92. Pardonable Mistakes, 194. Partial Kindness, 99. Passing of the Stone Age, 232. Passion's Train, 66. Past Life, 42. Peaceable at Home, 89. Peace and Civil ization, 60, Peculiarly Constituted, 167. Pedigree, 43. People Who Rob Themselves, 246. Personal Devils, 136. Physical Equality, 146 . Physical Disability, 122. Picke,115. Picture Writing, 150. Pitch and Location, 106. Play F rret, 40. Points of Law, 88. Points on Fishing, 46. Poor Tensile Strength, 147. P opular Government, 32. Position of Saying, 89- Practical Scientists, 57. Present and Future, 40. Principal and Impulse, 118. Pri vat ) and Public, 91. Procli- vities, 45. Profession and Occupation, 71. Profit by This, 183. Promotion, 192. Proprietors and Employes, 83. Protect the Eagle, 44. Quauhquechotl, 52. Queen Victoria, Porfirio Diaz, France, Russia, Germany, Spain, Italy, Ireland, Auld Scotia's Sons, The *' Chosen People," The Honest Hollander, Central and South America, 252 to 255. R. Race Prejudice, 127. Rapid Transit Age, 104. Reference, 52. Religion of Old Maids and Bachelors, 110. Religion of the Plumber, 148. Remedy for 111 Humor, 83. tiemember 'lhis Truth, 40, Resol tion, 24. Respite, 216- Responsibility of Bad Government, 46. Resur- rection Day, 213. Revolution in Agricultural Appliance s, 97. Rich and Poor Have Their Day, 15. Rooming with a Boa Constrictor, 219. Room Left fur Improvement, 146. Rules by Proxy, 86. s. Salt, 88. Satan As a Caterer, 117. Sawbill Ducks, 73. Science and Christianity, 78. Scold But Never Instruct, 112. Seeing and X BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. Grasping, 1 51. Self-important, 30. Self -Reliance, 128. Service and Show, 85. Settled for Life, 64. Settling Day, 66. She's His Shepherd, 91. Short History of Progress, 113. Short on Ability, 153, Should Go Together, 236. Shut the Door Softly, 233. Sign of the Coward, ] 84. Sir Absolute, 197. Smatterman,226. Soap, 235. S rrow, 122. Source of Much Bad Feeling, 205. Sowing and Planting, 181. Spain's Apology for Mexico, 216. Spelling Alters Cases, 107. Sport, 230. Standard of Intelligence, 188. String Bean Charity, 48. Success in Life, 94. Sudden Success, 67. Sugar News, 166. Sunday and Week Day Manners, 153. Squared His Losses, 185. Swath-Cutters, 226- T. Tailor Made, 44. " Take Your Partners," 101. Taking Things As They Come, 198. "Talk Is Cheap, But Money Buys Land," 64. Tantalizing Tests, 101. Taste versus Fashion, 52. Tell the Truth— to Your Lawver, at Least, 199. Temper Plays Havoc with Judg- ment. 102. Temptation and Trade, 34. Testimonials and Mythol- ogy, 51. That Apple, 2^5. That Is Love, 224. That Welcome Postman, 132. Thawing Dynamite, 210. The After Effects of Pin, 166. The Blind See, 80. Tue Campaign Liar, 62. The Columbian Exposition, 1893,207. The Dark Agt s Have Passed, 41. The De- mand Greater Than the Supply, 65. The Devil's Assayer, 45. The Devil's Generosity, 170. The Difference in Languages, 1 8. The Failure of Expeditions, 32. The Farmer's Expe t tions, 168. The Fate of Many a Genius, 32. The Fear of Ridicule, 148. The Foe of Despair, 133. The Future of Africa, 187. The Future of Criminal Law, 193. The Future of Electricity, 75. The Good Old-Time Darkey, 145. The Gold Cure, 205 . The Grand Transformation, 147- The Greatost Naturalist, 26. The Green-Eycd Monster, 94. The Gun Went Off Accidentally, 163. The Iron March of Progress, 78. The Jewel Time of Life, 171 . The Junk Time of Life, 171 . The Key to Production, 66. The Land of the Flea and the Home of the Slave, 54. The Last Chapter, in answer to What We Are Here For and Wh it It Is All About, 256. The Last Thing To Give Away, 224. The Law of Compensation, 93. The Lesson of Hard Times, 158. The Longs and Shorts, 239. The Modern Coll»gian, 202. The Origin of "Chatelaine," 21. The People's Vocaulary, 113. The Phonograph, 89. The Picture of Life, 100 The Power of Pelf, 195. The Proper End of the Horn, 89. They Do, 19. The Thing to Do, 111. The Time to Save Money, 96 . The Toltec Code, 214. The True American, 33. This Earth in Collision with the Planet Mars; or, The True Story of the Flood, 37. The Value of a Flint, 15. The Wealthy Charitable, 227. The Whiskey Trust, 237. "Time and Tide," 160. Time! Time! Time! 228. u. Umbrellas and Canes, 252 . Unapprecia ed Honesty , 67- Uncalled- for Liberality, 82. Uncle Charley has moved, 129. Uncovered Heads, 128. Under "Public Necessities," 99. Unselfishness a Jewel, 75. Upon Whom the Ran Falls, 111. Upper-ten Animals, 28. Up to Date Advice, 95. V. Value of Life, 84. Value of a Good Stroke, 179. Vertigo, 154. Vin- dication of Labor, 147. BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY THE BATTLE OF LIFE. In the fight, pursuit and struggle for the mighty- dollar, more suffering is encountered and more people destroyed and wounded than ever occurred in blood- red warfare. IF THESE HAD THEIR SAY. If tramps and other idlers had their say, the sawing of wood would become a lost art. CHRISTIAN REASON FOR THE FUTURE. Does it stand to reason that God created man and educated him through trials, suffering and hard work to learn and to teach others how to live, to find at the finish there is nothing to live for? No, my friends, such arguments will not stand the test of reason. If it was for the short time only in this world man was created, then what was the use of creating him at all? Man's three-score-and-ten years in this world is only a kindergarten leading up to higher surroundings. What we learn in this world, we only begin to realize the true blessings of in the next. God had a purpose 12 BARBY COEY's PHILOSOPHY. in putting us in this world, otherwise we wouldn't be here. JUDGMENT DAY. Time is judgment, and each hour and day of our lives we are judged according to our thoughts, words and actions. To-day is judgment day ; we are judged as we live and not as we die. Death has nothing to do with our living. Life is one journey here in this world and death the end of the voyage, and where we change for another and a better world. Death is a messenger sent from heaven to pass us over the river of life, to where greater blessings await us and which has been prepared for us by our Heavenly Father. Then for the short time we are on the journey here in this world, we should be patient, kind and agree- able to one another, and all act in harmony, to make the voyage as pleasant, happy and enjoyable as pos- sible. Life is made up of a variety of things, many of which we didn't expect in the beginning, and so it is with this book, which is made up of a variety of sub- jects incident to the vagaries of life. OUT OF PLACE. No one can ever make a success in anything or in any circle for which nature never intended him. AZTEC ROYALTY. Royal titles among the Aztec Indians were acquired through marriage, similar to those in operation with American heiresses to-day, except that the parents of the bride received titles also. For instance, an Indian Prince went bushwhacking for a 'rich heiress, BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 13 and when he had captured the boodle maiden of his choice, she was known thereafter as a Chiltypony, which means a women who is the wife of a titled personage. The father and mother of the Chiltypony were known respectively as a Dosmoltykotl and a Sinwantypetl. A lady engaged to a titled man of her choice was known as a Cheecheeweetykootl during the engagement until the nuptials were consummated — then, like a tadpole, she developed into a Chilty- pony. The spirit of the Aztec is in some of our people to-day, who swap their birthright and give money to boot for empty titles of foreigners, and in some instances a life, of misery, for worse than a mess of pottage. Good Lord and George Washington for- give us ! TWO PHASES OF LIFE. Life consists of two phases — namely, feeling good and bad. Everyone is his own feeler in this world, and it's only when one trusts his feelings to others that he gets left. The best thing to feel of is money, for, when you can feel plenty of that, you feel happy and independent, provided you are out of debt, and don't feel that others are in debt to you who will never pay up. Man's injustice to himself and wrong- doing to others produces bad feeling all around, for it is a divine law that no man can knowingly wrong another without at the same time committing a wrong upon himself. A HUMAN BEE-HIVE. How few of the millions of readers of newspapers, like those with a dish of honey set before them, ever 14 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. think or realize from whence or how it came. A newspaper office is a bee-hive of knowledge, in- dustry, power and intellect, where the busy bee, called reporter, deposits for distribution news gathered from all sources, and what is going on daily in the world, far and near, and in every clime. This news, when deposited, is put into type form and placed in printing presses, which turn out complete copies of daily encyclopaedias, called newspapers, at the rate of forty thousand per hour, more or less, according to the circulation of the paper and capacity of the ma- chines. Millions of copies of these reservoirs of knowledge and information are daily distributed in all languages throughout the world, and sold at from one to ten cents per copy, thus affording the poor laboring man the same free and independent opportunity of keeping posted abcut what is going on in the world as the college graduate or the millionaire. America and her people to-day owe much of their success and enlightenment to newspapers, magazines and illustrated periodicals, which constantly keep be- fore the public a dazzling record of the progress of Christianity, and without which the light of civiliza- tion would be turned down to the point of darkness. ESTABLISHING THE TRUTH. Lies have more lives than cats, and die harder. It is often more easy to establish the truth than it is to destroy a lie, though it be nailed. No matter how often a falsehood may be exposed and its baseless- ness established and clearly proven, there are lurk- ing coyotes always about seeking to catch whom they BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 5 may devour, acting on the well-known axiom that most people will believe a falsehood any time in pre- ference to the truth. FLY TIME. When flies appear, it am a sign ob Spring, An' de Jersey muskeeter's on de wing; Look out for dese debils, wid a brand new bill, Who buzz an' bite, an' sting as dey will. People wonder de reason why God made de skeeter an' de fly — He made dem for de birds to eat, Which, in turn, am our meat — So now you see de reason why God made de skeeter an' de fly. RICH AND POOR HAVE THEIR DAY. Rich people in the Summer have to pay for their ice, and take to the mountains at great expense to keep cool, while the poor people, in the Winter, get ice free and keep cool for nothing, and don't have to leave home, either. THE VALUE OF A FLINT. In every piece of flint there are stored thousands of sparks of fire, but to elicit them requires steel. THE RISE AND FALL OF NATIONS. Nations, like every thing else, have their epochs, or periods of time. Some are inferior to others, the same as man, but their allotted time takes no note of that. The quicker a thing is constructed the sooner it will reach its Highest point of usefulness \6 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. and begin its decline, and its time depends upon the material used in its construction and how it is con- structed. America has made greater progress in one- fifth of the time than any other nation on the face of the earth, and she is not out of her teens yet. HOW TO CONVERT A SINNER. It is no way to convert a sinner by making him feel bad and rubbing his sins in on him. The way to convert him is by diverting his mind from his sin, and pointing out, in a cheerful and entertain- ing manner, the glorious path of righteousness. A person frightened into repentance won't keep over Sunday. DID HE SAVE THE SAW? A party of us went a-raccoon hunting one night, and among us was a kind of half-witted fellow by the name of Ace Reed, who could be induced to do most anything by praising him a little. The dogs- treed five coons up a big sycamore on the bank of a river. The coons were all together, away out on a big limb projecting over the water, and while one of our party went back to the house after a saw, the rest of us talked Ace into climbing the tree, and when the saw came, he took it, and up the tree he went till he reached the limb, on which he sat astride, with his back to the coons — and if he didn't sit there and de- liberately saw the limb off between him and the tree, I'm not sitting here ! Down came the limb, coons, Ace Reed, saw, and all, into the water, and before we could prevent it, the dogs were in the water, too, and had both of Ace's ears bitten off. The dogs BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 17 thought they had struck a new kind of coon. We lost the saw — and the coons got away .. ..Moral. — Never saw the limb off between you and the tree. EXTINCT. If we all were to destroy our enemies, the human race would be extinct. WHAT ADAM AND EVE DID. Adam and Eve appeared on earth last Summer, and traveled through Italy and Spain, after which they came over to America and made a tour of the States, visiting all the principal cities North and South and as far West as San Francisco. They said everything in America had been changed, but Italy and Spain were the same as when they left. They hadn't changed a bit. WHY THERE ARE HYPOCRITES IN THE CHURCH. Counterfeiters imitate bills of banks in high repute. They never make an imitation of a bill of a bank not in good standing. Their forged paper is always upon financial institutions of un- doubted credit. So it is with hypocrites, who clothe themselves in the purple and fine linen of the house of God, the highest and most sacred institution of morality in the land. A religious hypocrite is an intruder upon the church, the same as a forger is an impostor upon a bank. No reflection is cast upon either institution, any more than if a man forged your name to a piece of paper — the sympathy of all 1 8 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. honest Christians and the law would be with you and the criminal would be punished. And so it is with religious hypocrites— the sympathy of the people and the law is with the church, while the impostors are often sent to prison. The church is all right. It is the devils in the employ of Satan who counterfeit its high standard securities of morality who are the bad eggs. NOT THE MOST LEARNED. People with the biggest libraries are not always the most learned. A GOOD WORD. One of the best words ever uttered is charity. DETAILS OF LIFE. The details, hardships and suffering attending suc- cess is never considered by the public, which judges man's ability and worth by what he finishes, not what he undertakes. If you are "broke," suffering-, hungry and in want, trying to accomplish a purpose, no one will take any particular notice of you or ad- vance you any very great amount of sympathy, but the moment you have accomplished a worthy object the tide will turn in your favor. THE DIFFERENCE IN LANGUAGES. What is in a language is easily demonstrated in the following example: When Columbus discovered America, the Continent was inhabited by Indians, who spoke their many different dialects. That part BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 19 of the continent north of the Rio Grande was settled by the English-speaking race, which changed the country into an English-speaking people, imbued with the spirit of Christianity. Note the progress and present condition of that nation to-day. South of the Rio Grande was settled by Spaniards, imbued with the spirit of religion, and the language was chang- ed to Spanish. Note the condition of that country and its people to-day, then compare the two, and you will readily see the difference not only in language but also the difference between religion and Christianity. A RIGHTEOUS JUDGE. A righteous judge will never sell justice. He will administer it impartially, without price. Such is Christian justice. THEY DO. Experience has taught me to believe that it is a fact that the good do die young — to a very great extent. DRAGGED BY AN ANACONDA. The subject of this story, while traveling in the dark forests of Africa, was caught one day in a rain- storm, and fearing an attack of chills and fever, he drank a quart of tangle-foot rum before retiring to his ground-floor couch, under a banyan tree. Along about daylight he felt himself going somewhere, and, to his horror, discovered that an enormous ana- conda, thirty feet long and as big around as a beer keg, had crawled up while he was asleep, and lashed both of his feet together with its tail, and was drag- 20 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. ging him into the jungle, to swallow him. He was then about two miles from home, in sight of the jungle, and still going. He had not gone more than two hundred yards further when the snake and he met another explorer, out looking for ivory ; and as soon as the snake saw the newcomer, it let its victim loose, and ran off into the jungle, only fifty yards away, and when the poor fellow stood upon his feet, to thank his friend in need, he was as sober as a judge. His friend told him of an experience he had once near the Upper Congo River district, where he suddenly ran up against a pile of anaconda snake, forty-seven feet long; and before he had time to think, the huge monster struck him on the hip pocket, in which he had a copy of ' ' Ingersoll's Mistakes of Moses," and that saved his life. If he'd been read- ing it he'd been killed Moral. — Beware of rum, even as a medicine, in snake-size doses. LEARN WHEN YOU CAN. Never be ashamed to learn from anyone. BREAKING LOOSE. Every now and then something breaks loose, either to attract our attention, or give us pleasure or trouble. Wonder what '11 happen next \ THE HUMAN FAMILY A MENAGERIE. In the human family there are beings imbued with the spirit of animals, from our good, kind and domes- tic friends, the horse, dog and cow, down to the low- est order. Some have the spirit of tigers, impelling BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 21 them to murder and devour, while others have the spirit of the viper. NOT AS BAD AS WE IMAGINE. Half the things which bother us are not half as bad as we imagine. , WOULDN'T BE NOTICED. People who marry for money wouldn't think of marrying that same person if he or she were poor. They wouldn't notice 'em on the street. WHEN MAN'S A FOOT BALL. When prosperity deserts a man, he becomes a foot ball of misfortune. WHEN THE WEDDING FAILS. Divorce is the gall and vinegar assets left after the failure of the wedding. THE ORIGIN OF "CHATELAINE." The word "chatelaine" is of Indian origin, and was used by the savages as descriptive of the orna- menting their waists with scalps. Modern fad-chasers use it nowadays to describe the ornamentation of their waists with fashionable junk. A TIP TO RAILROAD MEN. It would be to the best interest of both the rail- roads and the traveling public if every railroad ticket sold were also an insurance policy, covering accident 22 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. in transit. Our large insurance companies could well afford to insure every passenger in the United States and Canada for less than five cents on every ticket. Steamships lines might also look into this. ALL KINDS NOT NECESSARY. They say it takes all kinds of people to make a world. There are many kinds in existence the world would be better off without. THE LOVE OF THE POOR AND RICH. Christ was the only poor person ever universally loved. After his death mankind turned to worship- ing men of gold. DIFFICULT PART OF CIVILIZATION. The greatest difficulty to contend with in civiliza- tion, is that we've got to have money to "be in it." If it wasn't for that it wouldn't be so bad. FOOLS AND WISE MEN IN THE SAME BOAT. It is not only fools and their money who part, for it is a common occurrence for the wisest business man or firm to lose their money in unfortunate transac- tions. EIGHTEEN AND NINETY THREE. The year 1893 was one of unprecedented bank failures, panics and commercial disaster. Never be- fore, in the world's history, were there so many BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 2$ laboring people out of employment, penniless, hun- gry nor more scantily dressed s\nce the day they were born. WHY DO PEOPLE DO WRONG? Why is it that people do wrong, when there is so much more to be gained by doing right ? LOVE NEVER DIES. Love never dies, though it often changes the ob- ject of its choice, and seeks other investments, where it is appreciated and reciprocated. WHERE IT REQUIRES NERVE. It requires nerve and composure to bear up under the frowns and scowls of a lost fortune. , GREEDINESS. Greedy lust for more than enough has reduced thousands from wealth and social position, to poverty, misery, shame and disgrace. WHAT IS HAPPINESS ? Happiness is contentment. Excessive want de- stroys contentment, without which there can be no happiness. COMPASS GRASS. A peculiarity of the compass grass is, that when a blade of it is on the surface of the water, it points 24 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. north and south, and was used by the ancient mari- ners to guide their ships. HOW TO SAY IT. It is not always what a man says that counts ; it's the way he says it. A GOOD ANTIDOTE. The best and only reliable antidote for evil ways is reformation. TUNE UP DE FIDDLE. Lay down de shobel an' de hoe, Pick up de fiddle an' de bow — Partners for the Old Virginia reel ! Let's live till we die! LIVING OFF GOD. Some people are continually asking favors of God, but never earn any themselves. 'WARE MALICE I Life is too short to waste on enmity. There's nothing in it. RESOLUTION. A good resolution is good for nothing unless it's backed up by the exertion of will power. WHERE ARE YOU LOCATED? When a person dies you can't always tell what part of heaven he or she went to. The Lord's domain is BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 2$ a bigger place than all the planets, moons and worlds put together. Our conduct in this woAd has every- thing to do with our location in the next. NEVER GIVE UP! Never become despondent or discouraged. So long as there's life there's light. HAVE PATIENCE. Good things come slowly. OUT OF PLACE. Every fellow out of prison isn't deserving of his liberty. BARBARISM AND POCKETS. When a human being becomes sufficiently advanced above barbarism to wear clothing, his most sensitive point is his pocket. TOO AMBITIOUS. John Andrewson was left a fortune ; so the scheme sharks got after him, and landed him as president of a big corporation , now he is dead broke and the sharpers have his money. He vainly imagined it a big thing to be a president, and, poor fellow, paid dearly for his vanity. EDUCATING A FOOL. A fool can only absorb a limited amount of educa- tion, no matter how much is placed at his disposal, 26 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. and what he does absorb often proves more dangerous and expensive to himself and friends than if he had never acquired an educational smattering. THE GREATEST NATURALIST. The greatest and most entertaining naturalist is a natural one, who studies nature, not for gain, but for pure love of nature. THE AFFAIRS OF OTHERS. The trouble with many people is that they give too much attention to the affairs of others, and neglect their own. GOOD-NATUREDLY. Take life and death good-naturedly, for they are natural. NO OCCASION FOR ANYBODY TO BE IDLE. There is never any reason for any one in health to be idle, even if they have lost the place where they have been working, for that means that they have a bigger job on hand than before in finding another. People out of a job have harder work, longer hours and less pay than those employed. HAS ITS DAY. Everything has its day, Like man, passes away. Customs, like habits, change and finally disappear, and something else better takes their place. Day by BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 2J day the human family is growing wise* and better, and the time is not far distant when the evil habit of intemperance will be a thing of the past. GOD'S ECONOMY. God is so good that nothing is lost worth saving. DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAN AND WO- MAN. Man and woman have special qualifications neces- sary to the peace, happiness, existence and worri- ment of mankind. AN AMERICAN MOTHER'S LAMENT. An American mother's lament comes in after she has married her daughter off to foreign royalty, for a title filled with emptiness. Her woes would stop a runaway deaf mule. IN THE MIDST OF LIFE WE ARE IN DEBT. My Dear Brudderin : I come here to explain de great and ogdyfyin' constitution what hab nebber bin zacavealed till yit. Dis mornin', while me and some udder brudderin wuz settin' on de wood pile, 'long come de debbil on his mighty fours, seekin' whom he might dewour. All de rest ob de brudderin dey run away; but me, brave wretch, pitched in with de debbil, and knocked him out, all but a little greasy spot, in de middle ob de road. Den I axed him for what he 'saulted me, and he said I owed him half a 28 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. dollar balance on de last robbin' ob de hen roost. I 'knowledged de justice ob de claim, but de process ob collection am wrong ; and fur dat reason I fit rud- der den pay it. My dear brudderin, I wants to warn you all dat de best plan in life am to settle up on de spot, for as long as we owe a cent, though it be a bal- ance due on de robbin' ob de hen roost, in de midst ob life we are in debt. FACTS. Facts, though they be melancholy, are better known than hidden. A RELIABLE PERSON. A man who conscientiously thinks for himself can be relied upon. A DIFFICULT ACT IN THE DRAMA. The most difficult act in the drama of life is to play financial independence in straitened circumstances. THE IDOLS OF A PEOPLE. It falls to the lot of few men to become the idol of a people, and these most generally have been men who wielded the sword. UPPER-TEN ANIMALS. Fine horses, dogs and eats have their upper-ten circle the same as man. These elite animals live better than the poor human being. The animal kingdom, from man down, is on a level with itself, according to circumstances and conditions. We are BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 29 all animals. The dog's creator is our creator, as he is the creator of the sheep and goat. What are we here for, and what is it all about ? BECOME ACQUAINTED WITH YOUR- SELF. Man's great misfortune is, that he seeks the ac- quaintance of others, and neglects to cultivate knowl- edge of himself. THE HOMELIEST BIRDS. Birds of fine plumage are the homeliest when picked. MUST KEEP THE ENGAGEMENT. Man has an engagement to die, which he cannot avoid. HARD TIMES TO RAISE MONEY. The hardest time to raise money is when a fellow is hard up and short of collateral. CAN'T PLEASE ALL. No one form of government or administration can please everybody. It takes God and the devil to cor- ral the herd. WE WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN. We may suffer mental and physical pain and en- dure untold hardships, but if we submit our case to the mercy of God we will not be forgotten in the end, 30 BARBV COEY S PHILOSOPHY. Our sufferings will nurse us to sleep, to wake up in splendor, blessed with health and happiness forever. AN IDOLIZED CHILD. An idolized child dies young, or, if it live to ma- turity, is apt to become a source of sorrow to its parents. COURAGE AND CONVICTION. He who has not the courage of his conviction, is fit to be convicted. THE MOTHER OF ECONOMY. Poverty is the mother of economy. People with millions have been educated and trained by mis- fortune to live and thrive on the sweat of an oil rag. SELF-IMPORTANT. Self-important people usually waste their life think- ing about themselves. FEVERISH PROSPERITY. Never let prosperity develop into feverish excite- ment and blow-hardness. It's bad for the blower. THE BLIND SEE. A blind man, with only horse sense, can see and comprehend more in one minute than a fool with BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. ,31 good eyesight ever saw or comprehended in a life- time. DIFFICULT PLANS. The most difficult plans to make are those for the future. WHEN MAN RETROGRADES. When man discards all principles of manhood and self-respect, that moment he becomes the lowest order of animal. COMPETITION. Competition is two-thirds the life and one-third the death of trade, with a like amount of paralysis of the trader. EXCESSIVE EXPECTANCY. Excessive expectancy breeds disappointment, ill feeling, sorrow, trouble and unnecessary suffering. The best plan is never to count too much on any- thing, and thus avoid disappointment, for imagina- tion is an invisible insect that inoculates ideas, caus- ing them to swell often beyond common sense and reason. THE POOR DEBTOR. It is embarrassing for one who owes money to be compelled by circumstances to repeatedly give reasons and excuses for not paying, and harder still 32 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. to make the creditor feel as he does, and so appre- ciate his unfortunate position. A BOOBY SON. A booby son lives off his father's name. UNCALLED-FOR LIBERALITY. Indiscriminate liberality not only makes man a fool but leaves him a pauper and a friendless living carcass, a prey to the vultures, trouble and sorrow. DOCUMENTARY LOVE. Love letters become documentary evidence after marriage, proving whether things were what they seemed or not. THE FAILURE OF EXPEDITIONS. The cause of failure, as a rule, with expeditions sent out for exploration or other purposes, has been internal dissension, and lack of unity and harmony. POPULAR GOVERNMENT. A popular government fosters patriotism of and by the people. A bad government fosters dissen- sion, strife and bloodshed. THE FATE OF MANY A GENIUS. In genius there is more or less an element of sad fate. It often happens with men born with remark- BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. J3 able natural gifts, that they seem unable to control them for a definite ambition, and so are continually throwing away golden opportunities, which others, of less brilliant mind, utilize, to their fame and wealth. GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENTS. The accomplishment of great enterprises is nurtured by careful attention to little ones. MAN. Individually man is a savage. Collectively he is a civilian. THE TRUE AMERICAN. A true American never affects foreign pronuncia- tion. OPTICAL TRAVELERS. Many who travel abroad return home to buy a guide book to learn where they have been. They see things optically, not mentally. LAUGHS. A man who laughs a hearty laugh will never lead anybody astray. A man who suppresses his laugh- ter is full of guile. NO WONDER THEY FAILED. The firm of Brown & Sykes has failed, and cannot pay even their help. Brown played the races while 34 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. his partner played faro. Small wonder they * ' went up." BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS. Beautiful thoughts, when expressed in appropriate words, never die. CONTAGION. One bad orange in a box will cause all the rest to decay. WHAT IS A BROKER? A broker is the missing link between the buyer and seller, borrower and lender. WHAT KILLS PEOPLE? It is estimated that more people die from the bad effects of superfluous habits than from natural causes. BORN FAILURES. Some people waste their whole life fishing in cis- terns, so to speak, and wonder why it is they never have any bites. TEMPTATION AND TRADE. Temptation is the incentive of trade and commerce. If people were not tempted by profit they would not engage in business. No one who engages in business BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 35 for his health ever lives long. He soon becomes a financial corpse. OTHER FOLKS' BUSINESS. It doesn't pay to go meddling too much with other folks' business, for when a fellow pokes his nose in somebody else's door, he is likely to get it pinched. HARVEST. The wheat is in the barn, and the corn is in the shock; Tramps are about, and our pantry's without a lock; Milk is in the spring-house, and poultry in the yard, Meat is in the smoke-house, and a bar'l full of lard. The cider's in the cellar, and the preserves in a jar. Apple jack is close by, and honey ain't far; Jason's sawing on the fiddle, and Alec's gone to see his gal, I've got a sweetheart, too, and her name is Sal. She's got eyes like diamon's, and a mouth like a trap. I'm the favorite with her mother, likewise with her pap. The weddin' day's set for the sixteenth of next June — I wish the time was shorter, on account of honeymoon. Life is what we make it, either good or bad, For mother told me so, and so did dad. Sally and I will live as two happy people should; We wouldn't live different, not if Satan said we could. A BAD CHARGE. Some people are so heavily charged with the evil spirit of distrust, envy and jealousy of others, that 36 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. they are constantly in hot water, and at war with themselves. THE DANGEROUS MAN. A dangerous man, for a fool, is a thinking man, because a fool never thinks. LEADING RULERS. The four leading rulers of mankind are Intelligence, Progress, Christianity, and Industry. A CHARM THAT CHARMS. The proper charm to wear is a good fat pocket book. It will charm friends around you wherever you go, but the moment it loses its rotundity, the charm is gone and your friends vanish. I'd rather be a bob-tailed monkey in the wilds of Borneo than dead broke in the heart of civilization. GRAVE SIGNS OF MAN'S EXODUS. The cemetery reminds us of man's departure from this world, which is constantly going on, day and night, and which is yet kept up by man's love and woman's affection. CREATION AND EXTERMINATION. The world is one continuous round of creation and extermination. God creates man, and man creates things, while time keeps up a steady extermination of all. Nothing is permanent ; constant change is BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 37 the rule. We are here to-day and away to-morrow ; our stay on earth is oniy temporary, with no fixed quitting time. A POOR MATCH-MAKER. Money is a bad match-maker, for it often leads people into marrying a life of unhappiness. CICERO'S DREAM. The dream of Cicero was that the world might be one city, and all men might be citizens of that city. It seems to me that Cicero was a little off on his dream scheme, for, if all the earth was covered with a city, there wouldn't be any place to grow cabbages, pota- toes and such like for people to eat. But we could raise hogs and beets all the same. Plenty of them are growing in the cities now. THE TRUE STORY OF THE FLOOD. {Ground out on the Philosopher's Mentaiophone.) To begin with, the writer desires to introduce to the public a new and original phrase — Mentalophone, which means the power of thought — the ability to study a thing out, to solve problems, etc. For ex- ample, I mentalophoned Noah, of Ark fame, in re- gard to the flood, what caused it, and all about it, and I find that Noah was a menagerien, which means a collector of animals, birds, reptiles, etc. He construct- ed a ship, placed a fine menagerie aboard, and set sail for Soulatonia, a country which at that time lay where the Atlantic ocean rolls to-day. At noon of 38 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOBHY. the fourth day out a terrific commotion in the sea was observed, as if a tidal wave had struck the ship. Sudden darkness appeared and the heavens pre- sented a strange sight ; thousands of stars were shoot* ing in as many different directions amid hundreds of comets and moons. For seventy-two hours this phenomena continued, while the terror-stricken ani- mals aboard the ship added horror to the scene by their pitiful cries. But daylight came to their relief at last and all was again calm and peaceful. The surface of the water had a muddy appearance, but no land was in sight. Carrier pigeons were sent out with messages, in the hope of communicating with some one on shore, but no response came. Four days later land was sighted, and the ship anchored near the shore, which was reached in small boats, and found to be covered with sea shells, dead fish and other such matter as forms the bottom of the ocean, but no living thing was to be seen. Finally the water began to recede, and Noah felt the earth moving, which soon left the ship high and dry upon the top of a hill, over which the vessel was anchored, and it was then that it dawned upon the first navigator and his crew what had happened. The trouble was that this little planet of our.s had come into collision with its larger brother planet Mars, and the Earth was knocked galley west, and its position and surface chang- ed. In seeking its equilibrium again, the waters natur- ally receded and the dry land became the bottom of the sea, while the latter became dry land, which we now occupy, and upon which we see to-day marks of the collision in the form of petrified fish and other sea life on the tops of mountains. Soulatonia, above men- BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 39 tioned, and which is to-day at the bottom of the Atlan- tic, was a grand country, with more than two hun- dred millions of inhabitants, principally industrious people, with cities, towns, villages, churches, schools, manufactories and a fertile agricultural area, over which ships are sailing to-day. When Noah realized what had happened he set his menagerie at liberty to replenish the earth again, while he and his crew went to farming. Ships were as common in those days as they are to-day, and many vessels other than the Ark were saved to the different localities of the world, while many were destroyed, with all on board. The planet Mars is again coming in close proximity to us and another like calamity to the one above described is liable to happen in the near future. POSITION OF SAYING. A man who says a thing should first be in a position to know what he says. A DESERTER. Never desert a friend or companion. All the world despises a deserter. AN END TO ALL THINGS. Never forget the fact that there is an end to all things. Sick or well, or in trouble, there is an end to it. It may be a long way off, or it may be near, but there is an end. Debt seems to hang on to some people longer than life. It is bad to die in debt and 4.0 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. leave one's family poor. The good money some peo- ple waste on bad habits would keep an insurance pol- icy of thousands of dollars for their families and cred- itors at deat'L. Twenty-five cents a day for rum is $91.25 a year, which would pay for big insurance. DEFINITION OF A WORKING MAN. Every man is a laboring man who works for a liv- ing, whether he be a coal heaver, clerk, cashier or president. He who earns his living, of whatever nature, is a working man. PLAY FERRET. It is often better discretion to ferret a thing out than to ask questions. REMEMBER THIS TRUTH. Retribution is sure to come to him who does wrong. PRESENT AND FUTURE. Let us take care of the present, the future will take care of itself. INDUSTRY PUNISHED BY FINES. If a man builds a house, a factory, or a mill, to-day, the law pounces upon him and forces him to pay a fine, under penalty of having his property confiscated. Hence, industry is classified with crime or punished by fines, which political law-makers have capsuled BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 4l into a dose which they are. pleased to call taxes. All building improvements of whatsoever nature should be free of taxation, but the land should be taxed, for the reason that it is the improvements which makes the land valuable ; therefore the land is indebted to the improvements upon it for its rise in value and should pay the penalty as an offset. FORESIGHT UNDERTAKER. The greatest undertaker is he who knows before- hand what he undertakes. Some people waste their whole life undertaking to do something and never do anything. EVILS OF FAVORITISM. Accidents involving loss of life and property are often the result of favoritism, through irresponsible and incompetent persons being placed in respon- sible positions. HOW TO SETTLE GRIEVANCES. The way to settle grievances is by arbitration, gov- erned by a Christian sense of reason and justice. Violence is the work of the evil one, and invariably injures the cause of those who engage in it. THE DARK AGES HAVE PASSED. There are living to-day, in want, in mind and body, descendants of heroes upon whom fortunes have been wasted in stone images of the dark ages called mon- uments. Moral — Build institutions of learning, hospi- 42 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. tals and homes for the orphaned, the aged and the infirm, to the memory of those whom we desire to honor after death. The stone- worshipping dark ages are among the things of the past. AMENDMENTS. Be careful in offering amendments ; they don't al- ways amend. PAST LIFE. Great is he whose past life is worthy of the man. CONDITION OF THE WORLD. The world is all right ; no human being can make a better one. It's mankind that is making all the fuss and trouble. COMPARISON OF ANIMALS. The difficulty with humanity is that we are human beings. If we were domestic animals, God would know just what to expect of us and what to depend upon. HOW TO SOLVE THE LABOR QUESTION. In view of the fact that there is more labor than there is demand for, it seems to me that relief of en- forced idleness, with consequent hunger, can be found in making a day's labor six hours, thus every one would be employed, for the reason that when one set had finished its time the second relief BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 43 would take hold, and thus the two would work twelve hours per day and there would be no occasion for any one to be idle or without money. Do not reduce the price of labor, but raise the price of its products, so that the laborer may receive his rightful portion of the bread which he earns by the sweat of his brow. Times are never so good as when everything is pro- portionately high and all hands industriously employ- ed, earning good salaries and keeping the money in circulation. When bacon was twenty cents a pound a working man had forty cents to pay for it, but to-day it is worth less than ten cents and he hasn't more than the price of half a pound. The vital point is the money to pay for a thing — that is the question, not the price. THE POWER OF KNOWING. There is as much in knowing how not to do wrong as there is in knowing how to do right. PEDIGREE. The ancestors of domestic animals are often more respectable than those of kings. STRING BEAN CHARITY. When a person gives you a complimentary ticket or invitation to an entertainment, and expects you to pay for it, by extortionate hat check charges, that is string bean charity, tied with lucre cord. True charity knows no half-way hitching post. If a per- 44 BARBY COEY's PHILOSOPHY; son cannot give a thing outright the better plan is not to give anything and thus avoid embarrassment and apparent deception. AN EVERY-DAY BUSINESS ERROR. Scarce a day goes by but some one or other lose their money or something on which another has grown rich. Moral — What will cure some people will kill others. Be careful of your investments. A dollar in your own pocket is worth more to you than a million in somebody else's. PROTECT THE EAGLE. There should be a codicil added to our game laws for the protection of the American eagle, else the national emblem of our country will soon be extinct. TAILOR MADE. The material worth of tailor-made people is less than their dress. TRUE MEASURE OF VALUE. It is truly a valuable thing that is worth the money given in exchange for it. THE LAND QUESTION. No one should be permitted to own more than twenty acres of land, which they do not directly occupy, cultivate or utilize in some practical way. BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 45 There should be a national law against buying and holding land for speculative purposes alone. All lands thus held should be appraised by the govern- ment, and taken and paid for, and then parcelled out to honest and industrious citizens, to settle upon and cultivate. God's footstool should not be made the prey of gamblers and merciless money sharps. Down with individual trusts. THE DEVIL'S ASSAYER. Mankind, by free will and act, makes strong drink the devil's assayer for developing fools, crime and criminals. AFFINITY AND ALIMONY. It is a common occurrence for affinity to ripen into alimony, lawyers' fees and a few more things equally as strange. EVILS OF A RAMBLING MIND. If people would stop rambling in their minds about making money and utilize their brains thinking out the problem, and go at it, they would soon have cash in their pockets. PROCLIVITIES. Whatever an American citizen's proclivities may be, whether Southern, Northern, Eastern, or West- ern, is of no account to the true American. We are all brothers and sisters of the one and the same 46 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. glorious Union, over which the most beautiful flag under the canopy of heaven floats in this air of life, liberty and freedom. Once American always Ameri- can. A LOGICAL VIEW OF COVETOUSNESS. We could do without seventy-five per cent of what we crave for in this world and still have plenty of the substantials of life left. It is man's superfluous de- sires that keeps him in trouble and want. RESPONSIBILITY OF BAD GOVERN- MENT. The responsibility for bad government lies with those who fail to use the power they possess to change it POINTS ON FISHING. The catchy point in fishing is the end of a well- baited hook, lined out in waters containing biting fish, and a poor human at the other end with a full supply of patience. MORE THAN ANARCHY. Mob violence is even worse than Anarchy. A FOOLISH MOVE. When a man living in the country accumulates a fortune by years of toil and hardships, or strikes it BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 47 suddenly rich in mining or otherwise, and moves into the city, he usually lives just long enough to regret the move, and in many instances dies poor and broken- hearted. CAPITAL IS FREE. Taxation, whether in the form of a tariff, an income tax, internal revenue, or otherwise, is paid by the con- sumer. Capital never pays a cent of tax ; though it may be taxed, it will in some way make the public foot the bill. Money is the modern dictator. A HIGH-PRICED COMMODITY. The most expensive thing known is vanity. It an- nually costs millions of dollars and thousands of lives, and leaves countless numbers of sick, wounded and impoverished in its wake. HOW THE HUMAN FAMILY UTILIZES ITSELF. The trend of the thought of mankind is — what use one can make of another in a moneyed sense? The masses are as fossilized domestic animals, thrust aside as they become old. Moral — Guard well thy ever- faithful friends, the dollars. COULDN'T MISTAKE THAT GRAVE. A political leader in our town, by the name of Strange, died the other day, and on his tombstone 48 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. was written the epitaph : ' ■ Here lies the body of an honest politician. Everyone will know that is — Strange." DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE FIGHT- ING FOR. In war, not one soldier in ten on either side knows really what he is fighting for, nor what it is all about. DIFFERENCE IN FOOLS. The actor on the stage who plays the fool is a per- son of intelligence, who mimes for money, but the one in the audience who annoys others by loud talking acts the fool for want of sense. EAGERNESS. Only ten per cent, of eagerness is what it seems. The other ninety is disappointment. Never be too eager to say or to go do a thing without first throw- ing the search-light of discretion upon it. PAN-AMERICAN DOLLAR. The life-blood of trade and one of the greatest aids toward the commercial unity of Canada, the United States, Mexico, Central and the South American Republics, lies in a Pan-American Dollar, good for its face value anywhere on the American Continent, from Alaska to Cape Horn. This money should be issued in two languages, namely : English BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 49 on one side and Spanish on the other. Silver should be the basis of the circulating medium of trade, and if the outside world doesn't choose to accept it, they don't have to. The American Continent is liberal in her views, and "all to their liking," is her platform. "Most respectfully yours, and so forth." The republics south of the United States are silver produc- ing countries and their inhabitants are Americans, all the same, and their money is silver. There is no Christian reason why the bulldozing, overbearing, dictatorial, so-called gold nations of Europe should, by the inhuman power of might, dictate the value of the American Continent dollar. Silver is the product of God, our Heavenly Father, as much as gold, and more in fact, for the reason that there is more of it. The American republics can and should stand by one another. OPPORTUNITIES. Our friend, the Devil, keeps mankind well supplied with alluring opportunities to do wrong, and many willingly embrace the opportunity, knowing it to be wrong. BLESSINGS IN ADAPTABILITY. Success and contentment of mankind and commu- nities lies in adapting themselves to. circumstances. ORIGIN OF STONE BUILDINGS. In the early ages of man, the first step toward the erection of stone buildings, was the mud hut, from 50 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. which the magnificent structures of stone and marble of to-day date their origin. The first to live in stone houses were the cliff-dwellers, whose houses were constructed by God, and were fire-proof, which is more than can be said of those of modern architec- ture. WHAT ARE EXCHANGES? Licensed gambling places, where one is privileged to sell something he doesn't own and where he finds plenty of fools ready to buy it. ORIGIN OF VALUES. It is only when two or more people want a certain thing that that thing becomes valuable. All the gold in the world wouldn't be worth a tinker's dam if only one person wanted it. SELF-DESERTED. The spirit of greed, vanity and speculation often causes those who are honored and respected to for- sake their good name and stoop to forgery, or sharp practice, with, in many instances, a prison cell in ex- change for a happy home. THE HEART AND BRAIN. Man's heart is the organ of the circulation of the blood. Man's brain is the seat of the power of thought and conscience, wherein originates his words and acts, good or bad. The heart is not responsible for man's morality or immorality ; that is the work of BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 5 1 the brain. A murderer may have as good a heart as a saint, but a bad brain, which prompts him to com- mit crime. It is a misapplication to say that a person is good or bad-hearted, for, in point of fact, all human beings are good-hearted so far as the heart is concerned. The brain germinates good or evil thoughts and acts, not the heart. Instead of saying a person 1 "s good-hearted we should say, he is con- scientiously good or bad, as the case may be. TESTIMONIALS AND MYTHOLOGY. Letters of recommendation are only too often mythical in spirit, given to please others, and to get rid of them. DO RIGHT OR DO NOTHING. If a thing is done wrong, it is far better that it had not been done at all. THE RUSH. There is no apparent rush among mankind to get to heaven, but there are millions daily rushing into hell on earth. OUR MODERN SOCIAL SYSTEM. Men and women of the highest rank of society, down to the lowest depths of the most degraded criminal, are the legitimate offspring of our modern social system. A minister of the gospel will marry a couple of criminals as quick as a couple of saints. 52 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. Hence the process of peopling the world with devils and Christians goes on, ad infinitum. The remedy for the evil bide of our social system lies in discontinu- ing the propagation of evil plants from the garden of manhood. QUAUHQUECHOTL. The term •■ quauhquechotl " is of ancient Yucatan Indian origin, and means a person who tears down but never builds up. We have many quauhquechotls among us to-day, who are ever ready to cry down the honest endeavors of others, but never advance anything toward originality or progress themselves, TASTE VERSES FASHION. The most fashionable thing to do or to wear is not always the most sensible or tasty. MAN A RESERVOIR OF ANIMAL NA- TURE. There is centered in man and woman every kind of nature, including also that of wild animals of the forest and beasts of the field, the jackass not ex- cepted; anyone of which is liable to develop any moment under the slightest provocation. REFERENCE. If a human being in want applies for a position to en- able him to earn bread, he is required to give refer- ence and proof of his character, and often bonds as a BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 53 security to guarantee his honesty before he is accept- ed. But if a dog is wanted, no reference or bond is required ; besides, the dog is fed and housed free of cost ; nature furnishes it with a new suit of fur cloth- ing annually and all the work that is expected of it is to live in luxury and enjoyment. Such is the condi- tion of modern society. Domestic animals are looked upon with higher favor than human beings, and, to tell the truth, they are, as a rule, more reliable. NOT ALL WRONG. Individual instances of wrong-doingisno indication that a whole community is wrong. HE'LL MAKE A GOOD CANNER. When buyers for beef-canning establishments, out looking up stock, come across an old bull or steer, half dead with Texas fever, they will buy it at about one-third the regular price, and exclaim, « ■ Oh, he'll make a good canner ! " meaning by that that the diseased animal is good enough to be tinned up for man. No wonder the doctors keep busy. AVOID EVIL INFLUENCES. Influence, in the magnetic sense, may be described as the invisible power of one person over another. There are two kinds, good and bad. Good influence is what progress and practical Christianity relies upon to cultivate the young generation to succeed the old, which is passing from this world into the 54 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. next. Bad influence is the power of Satan, whose aim is to tear down, destroy and inflict suffering upon humanity by influencing innocent people to disobey the dictates of their conscience. THE ONLY CORRECT "STILL." Instill into the minds of children the value of money and the blessings of economy. GREAT MEN AND WOMEN. Words and acts of great men and women live after them and re-echo down the endless corridors of time, through which generation after generation pass. THE LAND OF THE FLEA AND THE HOME OF THE SLAVE. The above heading covers a Spanish colony in the West Indies, known as Cuba. Area, 43,220 square miles; population, 1,522,984, including monkeys, parrots, half-starved dogs and stray cats. Thirty- three per cent, is enfranchised slaves, fleas, laziness, filth, narrow streets, ignorance, offensive smells, pest-holes for breeding disease, and a disgrace to civilization and Christianity. The balance consists in the name of Cuba, the length of which is 759 miles, and varies in width from 23 to 137 miles, and, be- ing an island, is naturally surrounded by water. The surface of this island is broken by a mountain chain running through its center from east to west. Pico de Tarquino, 7,667 feet high, is the highest BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 5$ peak. Over two hundred rivers exist on the island, most of which are only navigable for fallen Autumn leaves. The river Canto is deep enough to float a pretext for Uncle Sam to buy the island some day, and then bury it six feet deep in chloride of lime, and let it stay there for six months, and then dig it up, wash and scrub it well with cast-steel soap, and hang it out in the sunshine of a Christian nation to dry. Gold, copper, iron, coal, mahogany, rosewood, ebony, cedar, tobacco, sugar, coffee, cotton, cocoanuts, indigo and a great variety of trophical fruits are among the productions of this island, which only needs practical Christianity to develop it. Total value of agricultural products, over $90,000,000 annually. WHERE THE DIFFERENCE IN MAN IS. The difference in man is not in his physical form but in his brain, intellect and disposition. WHERE MAN IS USEFUL. There are lots of uses to which man can be put. One is, that he spares woman the humiliation of being an old maid. TIME'S RELENTLESS SCYTHE. The only certainty of man's stay on earth is that he is born to die, and he does not know when. Strong men are falling on every hand. The destroy- er, Time, knows neither age, rank or position. No promise of immunity from his relentless scythe 56 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. remains. Even to the fairest flower or the sturdiest tree, all, sooner or later, go down before his unspar- ing hand DOING AS YOU PLEASE. Only one person in twenty is capable of doing as he pleases and be successful at it. TRUTH IS TERSE. If man spoke truth only, there would be less than seven per cent, of the present amount of talking necessary. A POOR SIGN. A man who makes a display of his cash in pub- lic is a poor man ; like a turtle, all he has is on his back. LOVE OF LOCALITY. Opinions of locality are regulated and formed according to success or failure. If a person, for in- stance, goes to Asia and engages in business and is successful, he thinks there is no place like Asia. If another goes there and loses everything, his opinion of Asia wouldn't strike a match. ARAB SLAVE-TRADERS. The cruel Arab slave-traders used to mark their slaves by cutting a gash in the cheek. Modern society slave-traders mark young girls from fifteen BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. $7 to eighteen years old, by gashing their cheeks and butchering out part of the flesh, leaving ugly wounds which they nickname dimples. * ' History do repeat itself." Dimples are born and not made. HIGH STRUNG. Temper is all right in tools and such like, but a high-sirung person is never in tune. They are al- ways in discord with themselves and everybody else and not in harmony with anything. There are cases where highly-strung persons are in harmony with good government and the general welfare of the public. For instance, when highwaymen, train robbers, outragers and dynamiters are highly-strung, law-abiding Christians say, "Amen," and the quicker the better. WIND-UP OF VANITY. Vainglory usually finds its way into a pawnshop or an auction room. A TEMPERANCE LESSON. A shark recently caught m the bay of Yucatan had a temperance badge in its stomach. *The thing had reformed just in time to die. Drunkards, take warn- ing from this, and swallow a temperance badge early. PRACTICAL SCIENTISTS. The cowboys of science have lassoed, corraled, tamed and broken into harness, for domestic and 58 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. commercial purposes, the wild element electricity, and made it a useful servant of man. This new help is making such rapid strides that it is only a question of time when steam and horse power will be out of a job. WE'RE ALL IN THE WOODS. Man born of woman is but a few days a boy, and the balance of the time he is wandering about in the woods, until he dies. With woman it is about the same thing, with the exception that she is born of herself, and for a few days is herself, and the rest of the time she is in the woods, too, wandering along with man, until at length she dies also. THE LIGHT OF THOUGHT. Thought and reason is the great mental light which God gave man as a safeguard to guide him through life. ANCIENT IRISH MODE OF FISHING. In times gone by people in Ireland trained otters to catch fish and bring them ashore, bedad ! JUST TO HAVE IT SAID. There are people who do things for no other purpose than to have it said they did so and so. They will sacrifice every cent, and go in debt, to get a certain position, to be in a certain place, or to be seen in company with this one or the other, or in some particular style of dress, jewelry, or to get con- BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 59 spicuously into print,being constantly on the hunt after some phantom or other to worship, just to haye it said. They will go into some enterprise or other, and lose all their money to appear big, just to have it said. They will become members of this, that, or the other thing, just to have it said. They never see real life, nor are they actuated by meritorious aims, but go through life with no other object than to appear big in the estimation of those who don't give them a moment's thought. MINSTRELS COME AGAIN NO MORE. The good old-time negro minstrel, the big shoe, the corn and cotton-field darkey, with his picturesque costume, and his sweet and enjoyable melodies, has gone, to come again no more. The dude minstrel, with his Sir Walter Raleigh get-up, is a poor substitute. A FOOL'S ARGUMENT. A fool's argument is that it is nobody else's business if he chooses to go wrong. WHAT FRETS ARE GOOD FOR. Frets are only good on banjo necks and guitars. When people fret, they are inharmonious to them- selves and a discord to others. THEY DID YOU NO HARM. Don't go back on a fellow that never harmed you, just because some friend of yours happens not 60 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. to like him, for if your friend is any good at all he must have some enemies. Any body who ever amounted to much in this world has enemies. That person who goes about making enemies to please that other person, witt soon make enemies of his friends. WH® ARE "THEY?" That common expression, * « They say so, " is only a myth. A ship was lost and all on board perished, "they say." He is worth a million, "they say." She is engaged to so and so, " they say." He was seen drunk last night, • ' they say. " And thus the mischiev- ous myth sails, leaving a burning wake. LUCK VERSUS PLUCK & CO. Luck is a fool. Pluck, Industry and Watch, as well as Pray, are harbingers of all things great and good. Luck is one of his Satanic Majesty's finest baits to catch fools and suckers with. A SHARP BUYER. When I was a boy, a sharp buyer was considered a man who bought razors. But now-a-days a man is considered sharp who can buy anything there is money in for the buyer. PEACE AND CIVILIZATION. Peace is not always an indication of civilization. A criminal may be locked up, and for the time being BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 6l be peaceable, yet not a civilian any more than a sav- age beast caged up, where it can do no harm. The most peaceable and harmless criminal is a dead one. LET US ANNEX CANADA. Colonies are not fit for anything but to get rid of surplus population. They add nothing to the wealth and strength of their mother country ; on the contrary, they are constantly getting into mischief and trouble with other countries and appealing to their parents for protection, which often results in war and bloodshed. THE DIFFERENCE IN SINNERS. The man who sins openly and above board is more to be trusted than he who pretends to be so pious that sugar wouldn't melt in his mouth, but who, on a sharp business drive, will swallow a whole railroad, along with the rolling stock. CHICAGO AND CINCINNATI GIVES UP. The valley of Toluca is celebrated for its fat hogs, of a peculiar class. These " larders, " as the natives term them, are composed principally of bone and fat, with only five per cent. meat. They weigh from five to eight hundred pounds, and you might drive a rail- road spike in the back of one of them without any evidence of feeling on the part of his hogship, so thick is the fat. A better idea can be formed of just how fat these Mexican hogs are when it is said, that 62 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. while they are lying down, rats gnaw round holes through their hide and crawl inside and live there, off the fat, without the hog knowing anything about it. How is this, Chicago and Cincinnati? You and Armour should take off your hats to Mexico. APPLYING TO STRANGERS FOR FAVORS. You often hear it said if a person wants a favor, it is better to go among strangers than among their acquaintances. The chances are that if the strangers knew as much about them as their acquaintances they wouldn't fare any better. It is a good thing for the human family that they are not all too intimate- ly acquainted. THE CAMPAIGN LIAR. A campaign liar is a political merchant who deals in words of all sizes, styles and qualities, imported from far and near, but all good for nothing, which he tries to palm off on the public at face value. Few get rich at it, while some make a living and the rest get left. HUMAN WEEVILS IN THE FLOUR OF THE FAMILY. Unfortunately for the peace of society, there is everywhere a class of impertinent busybodies, who make it their special business to pry into the domes- tic affairs of their neighbors, and as curiosity must be gratified at any expense to private character, and BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 63 such persons always like to believe in and retail the worst, the secrets of no family are exempt from their malignant intrusion. They are disturbers of the peace of society, whom the law seldom punishes, although they perpetrate more crimes than highway- men and assassins. They are burglars of the do- mestic tranquility of families,, robbers of others' good name, and assassins of the character of the inno- cent. NEVER GET SCARED. The worst faculty any one can be afflicted with is the faculty of getting scared. A person under the influence of scare is perfectly helpless and a ready prey to his opponent. Even if one is in the wrong it only aggravates one's case to scare too readily, for that is the time one needs the free use of his facul- ties and sometimes his legs. WHAT IS MEANT BY GOD'S COUNTRY. Seek and ye shall find. For the information of those who are ignorant of the location of God's country, I will enlighten them by saying that, while the Garden of Eden was being transported to Heaven it came into contact with a malevolent planet, and a big hunk of the former broke away and fell. For ages after this collision that part of Eden which broke away was lost so completely that not a trace of it could be found, and finally the search was given up, and all hope aban- doned of ever seeing the lost land again. After the lapse of many thousands of years, search was resum- 64 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. ed, and the Lord started a man by the name of Columbus to look for the treasure, and after months of search he at last discovered it, located in latitude 30 degrees north, bounded on the east by the Atlantic ocean, on the west by the Pacific, on the north by the St. Lawrence, and on the south by Rio Grande, with a tendency to fence in as far as Cape Horn in course of time. "TALK IS CHEAP, BUT MONEY BUYS LAND." Only one per cent, of everything said materializes. If people would only talk less and materialize more there would not be so much suffering in the world. Times would be better, money would be more plenti- ful and easier to get. Talk is cheap ; that's the reason so many people take stock in it. INDUSTRIOUSLY WRONG. Industry is capable of being perverted — for in- stance, a person may be industriously engaged in robbing a safe or buncoing people out of their money by false representation, counterfeiting, forging, etc. Industry has its misusages and don't you forget it. SETTLED FOR LIFE. It is a mistake to suppose, when we get married and go to housekeeping, that we have really settled 4own. Just so long as we live we are unsettled, no BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 65 matter whether we domicile in palaces or in huts. We are never settled down for life until we are set- tled down in death. MOUTH WISDOM. It is a wise person who knows when to open his mouth and when to keep it shut. People's mouths get them into more trouble than the lack of sense. A fool can corner his own ignorance and appear wise by keeping the gap under his nose tight shut. THE DEMAND GREATER THAN THE SUPPLY. Never in the history of the world was the supply of charity greater than the consumption. EVERYBODY NOT CONSTITUTED ALIKE. Some are born to become heads of business and corporations, others to be superintendents, and others yet to construct according to plans and in- structions. MAKING GODS WHILE YOU WAIT. In Mexico, Egypt, and far-away India, the natives make ancient gods to order for tourists, while they wait. These gentlemen of leisure don't know any bet- ter than to take their newly made old relics back home to America and ornament their parlors with fakes, 66 . BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. But we needn't talk. Why, up in New England the Yankees will make anything from a watch to a hair trunk as old as Methuselah, if you pay enough for it. It's business, you know. PASSION'S TRAIN. Passion destroys peace, divides families, separates friends, brings on wars, death and destruction, fol- lowed by new industries, such as lawsuits, crutch and artificial limb factories, grave-stones and monu- ments, along with increased taxation to pay the war debt and pensions. SETTLING DAY. If everybody's debts were paid to-day, some high mountains would be holes in the ground. THE KEY TO PRODUCTION. Effort is the key which unlocks the way to produc- tion and success. A person without a bunch of effort keys in his makeup is likely to be locked out in the cold. EDUCATED FROGS. Nowhere in the world — not even in France— can be found more highly-cultured frogs than in Guate- mala. There these amphibians can jump at a con- clusion quicker than a French dancing master. I met one of these frogs the other day, in a saw mill, and it concluded to tackle the saw in motion, just tg BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 6j see how the old thing would work. It jumped at the conclusion, and the way warts and frogs' legs flew would make the hair stand on the head of a navigator. Truly, over-indulgence in anything has its evil effects, as was the case with this poor unfortunate Guate- malian ally of the French. It came, it saw, and, in turn, was sawed. Too much bravery and not enough judgment is the way with some men and women in this world, who think they know it all and nobody else knows anything. Such people never amount to anything till they have run into a circular saw a few times, and have the warts knocked off them. SUDDEN SUCCESS. Few people, who jump into success, ever maintain their fame. Four out of five disappear into the depths of forgetfulness. UNAPPRECIATED HONESTY. Honesty is not always appreciated; yet that shouldn't deter us from being honest, for without honesty there is no real happiness. THE AMERICAN WOMAN. The woman of to-day is rapidly advancing to a higher sphere, through her own energy and self- reliance. She is not ashamed of work, or to know how to cook, make her own clothes and attend to business. This is especially true of the women of America, while her sisters of Spanish America still adhere to the 68 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. empty idea that all they are fit for is to be idolized by men, attend to social duties, drive in the parks and be followed everywhere they go by a flock of ser- vants, with bundles, baskets and packages filled with superfluous matter. Ability is not considered a mat- ter of sex by an American woman, for the reason that she has practically demonstrated that her powers of earning a living and getting along in the world are about equal to that of her brother. BURNING A WOMAN AT THE STAKE. At a public dinner in New York city, not long ago, a noted speaker, referring to the Puritans as Yankees, made the assertion that they burned alive, at the stake, one Mrs. Rebecca Norse, at Salem, for witch- craft, but 260 years afterwards their descendants erected a monument to her memory. These Puritans, he said, could always be relied upon to compensate anyone they had wronged, if you give them plenty of time ! EVILS OF INCUMBRANCE. The evil of having anything is that you are liable to lose it. People suffer more from the loss of a thing than they did for the need of it. WHY DON'T THEY DO SO NOW? In olden times it was the custom of kings and queens to put their architects to death after they had completed their jobs. The Queen of Sheep-shed built her palace over the grave of one of these dis- BARSY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 69 patched architects, but she did it most artistically and tenderly. In one corner of the palace, her queenship erected a church, with a high steeple, and, when the entire work was completed she gave a grand reception, which was attended by the "four hundred" class of that day, and at twelve o'clock midnight, while the ball was in full blast, she per- suaded Mr. Architect to climb to the top of the steeple, and jump off, dashing himself to pieces on the side- walk below. His heart, which remained uninjured, was gouged out by the Court Surgeon, and preserv- ed in a jar, that had the place of honor on the mantel in the drawing room of the palace. The Queen of Sheep-shed was a half sister to the Queen of She-ba. DANGEROUS TO BE SAFE. With palace cars running a mile a minute now-a days, it's dangerous to be safe. Pullman, himself, doesn't patronize the palace car now. FULLY EQUIPPED. One needs an armor-plated constitution and a cannon-ized spirit to laugh off the troubles encoun- tered in the battle of life. A USEFUL PARLEZ-VOUS. The best linguist to travel with is a letter of credit. A deaf, • dumb and blind person can travel on that, where a professor of languages wouldn't be in it. JO BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. Moral— Take special care of your money, if you ever expect to get anywhere or see anything in the world, and be in it, with the procession. THE STAND AGAINST IGNORANCE. The greatest stand against ignorance is the news stand. CURE FOR SEA SICKNESS. The most reliable cure for this dread disease is to land. DOC. WENT ALSO. It used to be the custom among the Indians that when a doctor lost his patient, " he went with him." GREAT CIVILIZERS. The printing press, the railroad, the steamship' the telegraph and kerosene oil have done more to civilize man than all the religion since or before the flood. COMFORT AND PLEASURE. Comfort and pleasure r'on't necessarily go to- gether. A man may be in prison, and have com- fortable quarters there, and all the good living money can buy, yet there is no pleasure in it. Many a person worth millions, and in poor health, would gladly make an even exchange for the life of a healthy hod BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 7* carrier. Some have money and the means of com- fort, but are too stingy or ignorant to enjoy it, while those who think they know how to get the best that can be had out of wealth, if they had it, never get a chance at it. TOO BUSY. Some people are so busy that they apparently will never have time to go to their own funeral, but they'll get there just the same. PROFESSION AND OCCUPATION. Most people are one thing by profession and some- thing else by occupation. DAVE'S POOR LUCK. Dave Ramsey is in a bad streak of luck. Every- body that owes him money is dying off, while all his creditors are enjoying undisturbed health. MAN'S BEGINNING. Man, born helpless, availed himself of his instincts. I and used his imitative powers, by following the ex- ample of other animals, who seek asylum in caves. Born with a naked skin, he early envied his four-foot- ed companions, and found it convenient to clothe him- self in their skins. By gentle transition, he came to the surface, then lived above ground, and so be- came an architect. By a crude combining of fibrous materials he became a full-fledged manufacturer, 72 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. and these forward steps led him to adopt different styles of housing and clothing. Then came the tailor-man, whose victims we all are to-day. TO BOYS OF FIFTEEN. Dear boys, here is a piece of good advice : Keep out of debt, never smoke cigarettes, and don't drink liquor any oftener than you would castor oil. Find out what you are best fitted for, stick to it and make a success of what you undertake. Don't run from one thing to another, earn money by honest labor, and never engage in gambling. ONE MORE MEANS ONE LESS. One day more of life makes our stay one day less on earth. NO INDIVIDUAL BIRTHDAYS. Our birthdays are shared by others, of every na- tionality, shade and color. Don't think you have a birthday all to yourself, for many thousands of others, too, were ushered 'into life on what you regard as your special natal day. WE FORGET TO PROFIT BY EXPERI- ENCE. Much of man's suffering comes from the fact that he fails to profit by his experience. If he makes a mistake in business or every-day life he soon forgets it and the first thing he knows he runs up against barbv coey's philosophy. 73 the same old mistake. If he goes to a gambling place, and loses his money, he will allow his exper- ience to be crowded out of his mind by a false idea that he can buck the tiger again and win it all back, and, like a lunatic, loses more. If he drinks to ex- cess, and it makes him sick, as soon as he gets over it he goes back and poisons himself over again. If he talks too much, tells his affairs to everybody and gets into trouble, just as soon as it is over he will forget it and repeat the dose. If he sees the great value of money, and how people worship him if he has it, and how little they care for him when he is broke, he will forget it, and the next time he gets money, will waste it as of yore. If he sees the folly of bad habits eating away and destroying his health and character, he fails to profit by it, but keeps right on until premature death puts an end to all. THE IRON MARCH OF PROGRESS. The discovery of gold and silver made men gam- blers and women reckless, but the discovery of iron marked the beginning of progress, and iron is to-day the leading element of civilization. SAWBILL DLJCKS. While traveling in Patagonia, I came across an Antithroduxvomica, which means nothing new under the sun, only something newly discovered, which, in this case, turned out to be a sawbill duck, a cross between a Muscovy duck and sawfish, hatched out by setting the duck on sawfish eggs. The peculiarity 74 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. of the sawbill duck is that its bill is about the length and width of an ordinary hand saw, and tapering to a sharp point, with teeth on either edge. I captured the one referred to, and intended to take it to the Smithsonian Institute, in Washington, but, unfortun- ately, we lodged it in a house built of logs, and that night it sawed its way out to liberty, and we never saw it again. NOT FOR THAT PURPOSE. No man or woman was ever worth suiciding for — we weren't created for that purpose. INFLUENCE OF IMAGINATION. If a person is thought to have money, he passes as a wealthy man, just the same as if he really had it. A good principle in life is to pay for what you get and give the go-by to what you cannot pay for. A man may consider himself well off to-day who is able to live fairly well and keep out of debt. IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING. Truthfulness, like pure gold, often meets with the misfortune of falling into the hands of dishonest people, who use it for immoral purposes. LEAD THEM NOT INTO TEMPTATION. Every day in the year sensible-looking and good- looking ladies may be seen going through crowded B. "BY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 75 streets, with their pocket-books in their outstretched hands, in full view of everybody, and tempting the evil-minded to do wrong. Our prisons are always fairly well supplied with criminals of the pocket- book snatching element. The place for a pocket- book, when not in use, is deep down in the pocket, where it belongs. IF THEY WERE WOMEN. Many men have given as many different opinions as to what they would do if they were women. For my part, if I were a woman, I would just be a woman, the same as any other woman is a woman. UNSELFISHNESS A JEWEL. Anyone who is unselfish and charitable is a jewel in the human family. DO WE NEED A WAR. Almost all the great army and navy officers of war record have passed away, and unless a war springs up soon, we won't have a corporal left. We have plenty of good fighting stock on hand, ' ' spilin' for a muss " to develop a new crop of soldiers, the like of which the world never saw. THE FUTURE OF ELECTRICITY. The only people who know anything about the future of electricity are those who have been elec- trocuted. But as only a favored few have lighted out ?6 6AR6V Coey's philosophy. that way, and as these few were in such a hurry that they forgot to leave their address, in reality we have no past masters of future electricity living among us. No doubt there are many candidates for this office, and who will get there by and by. WORK HARD AND GET IT. Wisdom is acquired mainly through hard work, study and experience — we aren't all born philoso- phers. "GOD BLESS THE MAN WHO FIRST IN- VENTED SLEEP." The greatest earthly luxury is peaceful sleep, and it isn't always those in high places who enjoy this blessing. LOOK OUT FOR YOUR IRONS. The man with many irons in the fire usually gets blistered, and may be considered lucky if he escapes a scorching of his reputation. HER MOTHER'S GRAVE. She was but a little lame Indian girl, with melting eyes and a look of sorrow and suffering. Her rag- ged dress told of her poverty and wretched home. The man at the cemetery had seen her many times since the spring weather — not that she appeared to be interested in fine monuments — she never cared to notice them — but she always limped her solitary way BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. J7 to a quiet corner of the single grave section, where, seated upon a neglected mound, she would stay for hours, quietly crooning to herself, oblivious of her surroundings and seemingly careless as to who might see her. The other morning she was at her post as soon as the gates were opened, and the cemetery keeper watched her painfully hobbling along to her accustomed seat and saw her reverently place upon it a little handful of blossoms and daisies. It was a faint though pretty attempt at decoration of the un- marked grave, but there could be no question about the purity of the sympathy which prompted the act. Taking a bunch of handsome roses in his hand, the keeper followed the little girl to the place where she was seated and handing them to her, said : ' ' Look here, little one, this won't do. I can't have a little girl like you moping away by yourself in this dull place. You must come up to the top of the hill and see all the nice people. I'll find you a seat and then when you are tired of being among all the fine folks and pretty flowers, you can take your bouquet and go home." " Oh, please let me stay where I am. My dress, Senor, is old and shabby, and I should be ashamed. I thank you for the roses. They are very sweet ; but may I lay them on the grave instead of taking them home ? They are too pretty for me, but are not too good for her. " ■ 'Why, little, girl, how strange- ly you talk. Whose grave do you wish to lay them on." " On my Mother's," was the tearful reply. The man turned away — tears were in his eye. The child's sorrow unmanned him. Recently I was looking around the lots when the keeper came by. ' ' How goes the little lame Indian girl ?" I asked. " I went 78 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. down to the hospital to see her last night," he re- plied, "and she will never come here again until it is to be laid by her mother's side. She was dying when I left her, and as I pressed her little warm hand, in bidding her good bye, she said: ■' Thank you for the flowers. The angels told me that mother was grateful for them.' " ACCIDENTAL PROMPTERS. It takes a heap to make some people think of what they are here for. Nothing short of a terrible acci- dent or home calamity will cause some people to think of the hereafter. WHY SO MANY SUICIDES? Self-murder is an every-day journalistic dish-up. Why is this, in civilization? It was never known among the semi-civilized. It is because of ghoulish greed, liquor, fast and false living, and the unavoid- able evils and hardships pertaining to business. TARDINESS EXPLAINED. It takes money a far longer time to return than it does to go. SCIENCE AND CHRISTIANITY. Science and Christianity are like- a happy married couple, who go through life making it a blessing for themselves and others. Creedism is a jealous lover, BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 79 a disturbing element in the community and doesn't know what it wants and wouldn't be contented if it had it. ELUSIVE BOODLE. Money slips away like a greased eel, and you don't know it's go le till it ain't there. Money is like a Summer toad ; it will lay dormant all Winter *in a bank, but once you get it in your pocket the warmth of your body will thaw it out and it will come to life and crawl away before you know it. WORSE THAN DEATH. Dishonor, the disloyalty of a friend or companion, the treachery of a wife or husband, are worse mis- fortunes than death. THEN AND NOW. In olden times society women worshiped stone idols, made to order. To-day society women worship pet dogs, with hair to match the carpet. ECHO. To-morrow, to-day will be yesterday, and to-mor- row will be to-day. BLEACHED BLOND MONKEYS. Round about the Upper Amazon, in South America, are a species of monkey that are said to bask in the 80 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. hot sun until their hair turns the color of brass. They are known as bleached blond monkeys or solar prints. Historians say that farther north, in our great cities, are occasionally to be found the same species, in human form. WHO ARE WE? Man is the superior of the animal kingdom, and gives more annoyance to his fellows than all of the other animals and snakes combined. HOW TO DO IT. The way to do anything is to go at it and do it. Some people waste more time backing and filling than it would take to do the thing five times over. DON'T BE TOO READY WITH BITTER TRUTH. A fable that smooths and cheers the rugged path of life is of more material worth than a truth cal- culated to embitter. WHY FOOLS AND TRAMPS? Thinking is hard work. That's the reason there are so many tramps and fools around. A SPHERICAL CALCULATION. Should all the hills and mountains of the earth be cast into the rivers and lakes, and the earth's surface BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 8l made a level plain, its elevation would not be over three feet above the level of the sea. If all the hills and mountains were cast into the sea, they would not discolor the water. AS OTHERS HEAR US. Only one person in a thousand hears him or herself sing, talk, or play a musical instrument as others hear them. A THANKLESS JOB. The reward of the peacemaker is in heaven. He usually comes to grief in this world. BLESSINGS OF MISFORTUNE. Unfortunate happenings in life are exceptional op- portunities for developing merit and manhood. Everything that happens serves a purpose. WHAT IS PARTISAN POLITICS? P. P. is the circulating medium of crime, corruption, evil legislation and, oftentimes, war. Wise states- manship is a stranger to partisanship. HOW" WOULD THIS WORK WITH "THE FINEST?" There was a law in vogue at one time among the Incas of Peru, which held that an officer of the law who turned traitor to his sworn duty, and accepted 82 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. blackmail, for the protection of crime, should be punished by imprisonment for life and confiscation of his ill-gotten gains. ONE OF THE EVILS OF UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE. The great evil of universal suffrage is that it places the tramp, the pickpocket and the assassin on an equal footing with the ablest, wisest and best citi- zen in the community. NEVER FIND FAULT WITH THE WEATHER It is unparliamentary to find fault with the weather, for Nature's laws are imperative and beyond human power to change. Man's recourse lies in adaptability and making the best of the situation, minus peevish- ness or useless kicking. THE MOTHER OF THE CHICKEN. The hen that laid the egg is the mother of the chicken — but the hen that hatched it is the step- mother — from the fact that she stepped in and did the rest. GO BEFORE YOUR MAKER UNINCUM- BERED. It should be the universal desire to settle amicably all differences between man and man on earth, so BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 83 that at death they may appear before God unin- cumbered with a feeling of having done wrong and not making amends. Reparation and forgiveness are gems of true Christianity. REMEDY FOR ILL-HUMOR. People who get out of sorts flounder in a quick- sand of bad humor, like a fish out of water. There- fore it is good policy to keep a full line of sorts in stock at all times, to draw from, as a preventive of ill feeling and annoyance to others. HOPE IS VALUABLE SECURITY. Hopes unrealized upon should not be cast aside, but filed way for future use. THE HELPING HAND. No man can lend a helping hand to him who is against the peace and welfare of mankind. PROPRIETORS AND EMPLOYES. Proprietors of a business are, in many instances, not nearly so well off or happy as their employes. "IN AT ONE EAR," ETC. Many people have the faculty of understanding but lack the power of appreciation, without which understanding is useless. But many more people 84 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. lack the faculty of attention, which necessitates the telling of the same thing over and over again, breed- ing ill-temper and hasty speech. Such people are a nuisance to themselves and others. EMIGRATION. Uncle Sam should stop emigration for five years, and in the mean time take account of stock and banish the refuse. VALUE OF LIFE. Life is individual, and all its value depends on the individual possessing it. INCENTIVES TO PROGRESS. The misfortunes of one are often incentives for others to take hold and go ahead. Arctic expeditions and aerial navigation are examples of note. LUNCH TASTED GOOD At the old log-cabin school, amid the pines, the oaks, and the beech trees, over the spring of pure crystal water. THAT REMINDS ME. Speaking of "got to go," reminds me of an old trapper in our neighborhood by the name of Hardy Mathis, or Uncle Hardy, as we used to call him.. He BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 85 was taken sick and sent for the doctor. When Doc. came he told Uncle Hardy he had a case of quick consumption and the only thing that would save his life was a quart of catnip tea. Uncle Hardy raised himself up in the bed and said, feebly: "Doc, I've got to go — I don't hold but a pint. " EVEN THE BRAVEST SURRENDER. Said Sambo : " I'm one of the bravest niggers what eber lived; not 'fraid of nuffin." "Yes you is," says Ephraim, "youse 'fraid to loan me a dollar and a half." " No, 'tain't that," says Sambo; " but I hates to part wid an old friend." THWART, THE BOUNCER. We lay plans, make up our minds to certain things, make proposals and propositions, but Thwart comes along and knocks us out. The way to stand in with this bouncer is to live up to the Davy Crocket motto. SERVICE AND SHOW. The best-looking things are not always best for practical purposes. LAWYER AND LITIGANT. Differences of opinion are the product of two minds. One may represent gold and the other lead ; but in many instances both are worthless, and the sum total 86 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. is a quarrel, bloodshed, death and destruction. Lawyers wax fat on these differences of opinion, while the disputants become lean and hungry. THE SILVER QUESTION. Shall we have coinage of silver or not? This is the question now oxidizing the minds of many people, more on account of the scarcity of coin in their pock- ets than from any other cause. RULES BY PROXY. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world by proxy. Mankind would be better off if these repre- sentative rulers were at all times imbued with the spirit of the hand they represent. WILD OATS. Every man that ever amounted to anything much had more or less wild oats — preachers included — and I wouldn't go much on a man who hasn't sowed a few This oats business is a legacy, you know. WE DON'T KNOW. Half the people in this world don't know what they are here for, nor what it is all about. DUST TO DUST. Potters' fields are the burial grounds of those who in the race of life unfortunately got left at the finish. BARBY COEY*S PHILOSOPHY. 87 From clay came we all, but few turn out peach-blow vases, while the majority of us work and blow hard enough to keep out of the Potters' field. MORTIFYING. Man often finds himself in a mortifying and humili- ating position. Lack of cash is, too often, unfortu- nately, the signal for mortification to set in. WHAT LIBERTY OF SPEECH MEANS. Liberty of speech means the right of the people separately or collectively to air their feelings, opin- ions and grievances, consistent with peace and mor- ality. But the law of the people which protects this right draws a line between its fair use and its abuse. Law-abiding citizens, employed or unemployed, have no desire to indulge in lawless or anarchistic chin-chin. WHERE WOMAN EXCELS. There are more women lecturers than men. Every man's wife and mother-in-law practices more or less oratory. TO THE POINT. If you have anything to say to anybody, on busi- ness, especially, begin right to the point, and don't go all around Robin Hood's barn, come in through the back door and meander through a barrel of chaff to get to one kernel of wheat. Come right out and 88 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. make your business known, in the clearest manner, with the fewest words, in the shortest space of time, and you'll know the result in short order. First post yourself on what you really want; if there's merit in it, it will work for itself ; if not, drop it ; time is too pre- cious to waste over dead cats. Some people spend their lives rummaging through chaff and let good things pass before their eyes once a week without notice. You want to carry around with you at all times a stock of good judgment and enough courage to put a project into practical operation, if you ever expect to get along in life and keep in the procession. ONE BENEFIT OF THE LATE WAR. The war between the north and south demonstrat- ed to the whole world just how strong United Ameri- ca is, and settled the question of any European na- tion courting war with us. POINTS OF LAW. Possession may be nine points of the law, but there are cases where the fellow with the nine would be glad to exchange them for the other fellow's one. SALT. Chloride of sodium is one of the healthiest minerals ever discovered. In addition to its health-giving qualities, it is a great antidote for mistakes, and will, on occasion, save people from heaps of trouble and KARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 89 loss. If I had only known earlier in life of the great moral power of salt I would be a wealthier man to- day. PEACEABLE AT HOME. The bravest of soldiers in time of battle are the most peaceful in times of peace. The most warlike at home are the biggest cowards on the battle field. WHERE INTELLIGENCE IS NEEDED. There are many who are smart enough to make money, but few with intelligence enough to keep it. THE PROPER END OF THE HORN. The wise man starts in at the little end of the horn, and comes out where it widens. Fools go the other way. NO BILL OF FARE. Life is a drama minus a programme. We never know what's coming on the stage next. HYMEN'S HANKS. Hymen ties many notable wedding knots, which often turn out to be tangled hanks. THE PHONOGRAPH. To the inventor of the phonograph belongs the honor of having solved the problem of corraling 90 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. sound. Suppose the phonograph had been in use in the time of Christ, His voice could have been stored up and handed down through generations, and to-day we could have listened reverently to His God-like tones. MENTAL CORRESPONDENCE. All great men and women reach their highest suc- cess through mental correspondence. IN AND OUT. Fools can get into almost anything, but it takes smart lawyers and money to get them out. WHAT WEDDING PRESENTS SHOULD BE. Wedding presents should consist of articles of practical utility, as an incentive to a progressive life for the bride and groom. AT SEA. There are more people at sea on the land than on the ocean. A MUTE TABLE. A mute table is one covered with fine damask and gorgeous table fixings, but not much of anything to eat. A friend once invited me to a fashionable dinner, where all the tables sparkled away up in G., but 6ARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 91 when I got through I was worn out and hungrier than when I started in. 'Twas all style and starva- tion. There's nothing in it. SHE'S HIS SHEPHERD. Those British lordlings who marry American heir- esses must think to themselves ' ■ She is my shep- herd, I shall not want." "WE ARE THE PEOPLE." The life of Republican government is consent of the people. Hence if the people do not like their government, the power to change it inheres in them, and not in the government. Such changes should be made through the ballot box, peaceably. A HARD PROBLEM. It's a hard problem with many how to get along, keep out of debt and pay living expenses and have anything left. PRIVATE AND PUBLIC. Man's private life should tally with his public pro- fession. No man can be true to himself or others . who lives a double life. COULDN'T KEEP AWAY. Bill Spillers lost all his money in pork speculation, in Chicago ; he then worked his way back to Califor- nia, where he made a strike in the mines. Returning 92 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. to the Windy City, he tackled the wheat market and now he's a dead broke rat in the pit. Once a fool 'most always a fool ! PAN JUDGMENT. Man's pan judgment of man is the true way — that is to say, judge him as he pans out. Man is like a mine — one day he pans out all right, and maybe the next day he'll turn refractory, and the vein of good- ness narrows down and finally peters out. CHASING LIGHTNING BUGS. The leaning toward religious superstition is like chasing lightning bugs to warm one's self by. FIRST LOVE. The first girl a fellow falls in love with is usually the one he leaves behind. WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT? There are only two grand free passes in this world — when we pass in and pass out of it. BEFORE COLUMBUS. America has to-day less wealth of useful things than it had when Columbus discovered it. Gold, sil- ver, iron, copper, lead, zinc, timber, wild game, fruits and Indians have been greatly reduced in quantity BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 93 since Chris, made his first call upon the Continent. Columbus always felt slighted on account of the Indians not returning this call, but it was probably a good thing for him that they didn't. It was Indian etiquette in those days to use a tomahawk for a visit- ing card, and it was proper "form" to carry off a scalp as a memento of the call. THE LAW OF COMPENSATION. The young man with an influential and wealthy father to boost him up the ladder of life lacks the practical experience of the poor boy who has to hus- tle for himself. Should both tumble, ten to one the practical boy would be able to pick himself up again, while the artificial one would lie prone and be- wail his fate. HOW TO KNOW PEOPLE. There are two ways of gaining knowledge of peo- ple — one is to be in business with them and the other is through the marriage knot. DIED YOUNG. Those people who never experienced any unhappy incidents in their lives died young. NOTHING MUCH LEFT TO PATENT. Some one made the remark that American inven- tive genius is lagging, on account of the few patents 94 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. being applied for, for absolutely new things. The fact of the matter is, that the Americans have pat- ented about everything under the sun that's in sight, even to air for railway brakes, and they are now working on an invention to communicate with Mars. A TEST OF CIVILIZATION. One of the best tests of civilization is the circula- tion of books. Healthy food for the mind is as neces- sary as healthy food for the body. A COMMON KINSHIP. Bereavement falls to the lot of all mankind. THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER. A jealous man is a cross between a mad lion and a fool, liable to commit murder or suicide at the slight- est provocation. He's an enemy to himself and creates misery and unhappiness for others. A jeal- ous woman is a tigress in human form, whom Mr. Satan uses to- perpetuate misery, suffering and crime. SUCCESS IN LIFE. Rarely do men make a success that stays by them before the age of forty, their life up to that time be- ing experimental. Girls, as a rule, get through sow- ing their wild roses by the time they are twenty- five, and their future depends greatly upon the character and disposition of their life companions, while in BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 95 turn, the husband's success depends much upon the character and disposition of the wife. Between the two, marriage is made either a success or a failure, as the case may be. "ET TU, BRUTE." The friendly bark of a good and faithful dog is more pleasant to the ear than the voice of a brute in human form. UP TO DATE ADVICE. It is a first-rate plan for those sojourning at hotels and boarding houses not to become too intimate with their fellow-sufferers. FIRE AND PETROLEUM. Drowning sorrow with drink is like trying to put out fire with kerosene. BY THEIR WORKS YE SHALL KNOW THEM. Never be carried away at the sight of anything new, until it proves itself by its works. I once saw a new double-barreled shot-gun advertised for eleven dollars. I sent on the money and received the gun, which looked like a two hun dred dollar field-peice . Af- ter loading her up, I went out and fired it at a flock of blackbirds. The thing busted and kicked me forty feet down into a ditch, and then jumped on me after 9 6 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. I was down, and nearly beat me to death before my friends could pull the thing off. Come to examine it, I found that it was made of gas-piping and painted to look like a first-class sportsman's gun. My advice is go slow on new things. That gun showed what it was by its works. IN CASE OF WAR WITH ENGLAND. In case of war with any first-class nation the great trouble with England would be t]iat her forces and territory are too much scattered. It would require half her navy to guard her colonies against an enemy, and, besides, some of her possessions might think it a favorable opportunity to set up housekeeping on their own account. The strength of England lies in being diplomatic enough not to go to war with any first-class nation. THE TIME TO SAVE MONEY Is when you are making it. You hear people ex- claim : " Oh, how can I save money on, account of my expenses?'" Yet when misfortune overtakes them they get along at less than one-half their ordinary outlay. Poverty makes great economizers of peo- ple. WHEN PEOPLE SHOW UP BEST. People show up best during their courting days, up to the waning of the honeymoon — then comes the reverse of the gaudy picture. Father Time alone BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 97 proves the worthlessness of the union of ■ ' two hearts that beat as one," provided one doesn't beat the other, while divorce looks on and smiles. GOOD FOR NOTHING. To be good for goodness' sake, without any other object, is to be good for nothing. Sincerely good people are naturally good. "DOING" YOUR FELLOWS FOR A LIVE- LIHOOD. The only effort made by some people to get along in this world is to " do " their fellow-men. LOOK OUT FOR IT. Two hundred years from now will see the Conti- nent of Europe overrun by Russia, and the American Continent, from Alaska to Cape Horn, under the in- fluence of the English language. This is the predes- tined fate of the two Continents. REVOLUTION IN AGRICULTURAL AP- PLIANCES. " Tater-digging hogs" are a new swinological pro- duct. Down on my uncle's plantation is a black- smith by the name of Jim Sutton, who has invented a ' • tater digger " with a cuff-shaped wire basket, so that it fits over a hog's nose, up to his eyes, with a strong cord to tie around the hog's neck and fasten the " digger " 98 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. on. All you have to do then is to turn the hog loose in the potato patch, and he goes right to work root- ing up the " taters " faster than three people can pick. This cuff-shaped basket prevents the hog eat- ing the ''bog-oranges," but he keeps on digging just the same, until he finds he isn't in it ; then he gets mad and goes to digging out of spite. My uncle has got an old razor-back sow that can dig two acres and a half, and not squeal once. Jim has been offered a hundred thousand dollars for his patent, but he says he will make more by renting it out to farmers all over the country. He thinks that inside of a year he will have a hundred thousand hogs at work dig- ging the tubers. The only thing he has to fear is the laboring men. He's afraid they will go on a strike and kill the hogs for taking their job away from them ; but he hopes, if they undertake to do anything like that, the Government will order out the troops and protect the hogs. GET INTO THE HARNESS. The record of our government proves that it has been altogether, thus far, of an experimental nature with regard to finance, tariff, naval structure and a few more things. Isn't it about time we got down to business? TO THE MEMORY OF GENERAL GRANT. No one better appreciates the soldierly qualities and magnanimous spirit of General Grant than those BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 99 who fought against him. And these grey veterans stand ready to accord him all the honor his name and memory deserves. WHAT IS FAITH? A belief in unseen things, like the fellow's trunk in hock for board, with nothing in it. PARTIAL KINDNESS. I wouldn't go to a clam-bake with a man who would step out of his way to do a favor for a rich person, just because he was rich. Do your fellow-man a good turn whenever you can, regardless of what his circumstances are. UNDER "PUBLIC NECESSITIES." All railroads and telegrahic lines should be own- ed and controlled by the government, for the general welfare of the public. A BIG COLLECTION. From all accounts, no other world in existence has a more general assortment of everything good, bad and indifferent than ours, and mankind makes the biggest display. TO THE CHARITABLY INCLINED. Wouldn't it be far better for wealthy people, who intend to leave something for charity at their death, BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. that, whatever they propose to give should be given before they die, so as to avoid litigation and miscar- riage of the will of the donor? THE PICTURE OF LIFE. As a rule, people are never as good or as bad as they are painted. THE JOKER IN TRADE. The little joker in trade is to get something for as near nothing as possible, and sell it for as much as you can; the difference is where the joke comes in. -* WHAT TO EXPECT. Never be surprised at disappointment; accustom yourself to it, and the quicker you get used to it the better you are off. MODERN TRAPPERS. There are more hunters and trappers for wild and savage beasts, known as crooks and criminals, among us to-day than was ever known in the early settlement of the country, when bears, panthers and savage Indians roamed and howled throughout the the land. ABOUT GIVING A DOG A BAD NAME. That saying, "Give a dog a bad name and you might as well kill him," doesn't always hold good, BAkBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. tOt for we had a dog on our place, named Anarchy, one of the finest possum dogs that ever barked up a per- simmon tree. It was a good thing the dog didn't realize the meaning of its name, for if he had the "purp " would probably have turned its attention to killing sheep. TANTALIZING TESTS. Difficulties and troubles are tantalizing tests of man's character and ability. MISHAPS. A mishap is liable to anyone, and there are no ex- ceptions. "TAKE YOUR PARTNERS." Encourage dancing, for it develops activity of the limbs. Who ever heard of a dancing master being run over by a trolley car? WHERE METEORS FALL. More dazzling meteors have fallen in Wall Street than in any other place of its size in the world. CUSTOMS. It is only natural that every country should have its own customs, manners and peculiarities, distinctly different from all others, and it is ridiculous for a stranger visiting a strange country to expect to have everything there in harmony with his own native 102 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. land. If a person expects to find a foreign country just like the one he left, then where is the sense in leaving? Some people spoil the pleasure of a trip by- grumbling, fault-finding and eternally quoting how much better things are in their own country, forget- ting that the prime purpose of going abroad is to add to their experience in life and to see things that can only be seen abroad. Petrified fools should never go away from home — they learn nothing by traveling. EAR TROUBLES. There are many people who give themselves un- necessary trouble and worry by listening, and paying solid attention to things that do not concern them. IT DOES SOMETIMES HAPPEN. There is such a thing as doing too much for people, who take you for a fool, along with what you do for them. TEMPER PLAYS HAVOC WITH JUDG- MENT. In a fit of anger persons often say and do things which they would give the world to undo or recall. Never allow treacherous temper to usurp your judg- ment. KEEP YOUR WEATHER EYE OPEN. Remember that your body is a kind of craft tossing upon the sea of life, and your intelligence the helms- BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. I03 man, looking out ahead for squalls, wrecks and reefs, thus guiding tl e frail structure safely on the voyage to its place of anchor, the grave. MAN AND WOMAN. The success of man as a man is not so great as that of woman as a woman. She is the most successful of the two. MAN AND WIFE. In nine cases out of ten, trouble between man and wife results from failure to keep themselves up to the standard of what they appeared to be before they were married. WHAT WILL THE VERDICT BE? We are in Nature's court, and on trial from birth to death, when we are judged in accordance with our lives. WHAT KEEPS US ON THE MOVE. This earth is a toy globe upon which human beings play, kept in motion through grasping for things they cannot reach. THE BEST EPITAPH. The highest praise that can be given a human be- ing is the sorrow of the public when they have been 104 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. called away, and the worst stigma that can be cast upon one's memory is a feeling of relief at their de- parture. BAD FOR THE FAITHFUL. Indiscriminate faith in human beings is bad for the faithful. ATMOSPHERED. I have been atmosphered from so far below zero that I had to set a bucket under the thermometer to catch the mercury, up to one hundred and ten in the shade, and not a breeze in sight. Experience is a great teacher. AN EXPERIENCED CHRISTIAN. The most experienced Christian is one who has lit- erally gone to the devil, was dissatisfied and return- ed in the end, a confirmed believer. RAPID TRANSIT AGE. To-day is the day of rapid transit. People want to pass on and get through as quickly as possible. Sen- timent must get out of the way or be run over. PAST HAPPENINGS. Past happenings of our lives should not wholly be forgotten but turned to good account. Experience barby coey's PHILOSOPHY. 10$ says you are excusable the first time for not knowing better, but don't let it occur again, else it will be your own fault. WHAT IS MAN? Man's conduct is the man. AN IMPORTANT GATHERING. Gathering dollars is one of the necessary features of civilization. LEAVE OUT THE WEIGHT. Fish stories would carry more weight if the heft of the fish was left out. HE GREASED HIS MOUTH. A certain young politician in our neighborhood was somewhat bashful, and whenever called upon to make a speech, a three months' dry season set in in his mouth, so that his words would hang fire, till finally his speaking apparatus would so completely clog up with words and phrases that he couldn't utter a sound. He went to a doctor about his trouble, and the M. D. advised him to grease his mouth well with bear's oil just a few moments before he under- took to speak again, and he would find that that would loosen things up. A few nights after he was called upon to address an audience in the Young Men's Christian Association, the subject assigned him being " Thought." He had his little bottle of bear's lo6 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. oil with him, and took a mouthful of the lubrication as he got up before the audience and started in on "Thought." He hadn't more than just started when things began to show signs of breaking camp, and all at once his under jaw and tongue became un- manageable and started off at a rapid rate, tearing through "Shakespeare," 4 ' Blackstone, " "My Dar- ling Mary," "Pluto," "When to Cut Elder Brush," "Sowing Seeds," " How to Play Poker," " The Best Brand of Wine," " Cato," "Touch the Button," " Your Ante," " Don't be Shy," "Come in the Same Please," — till finally the audience protested against hearing their private affairs made public and left the hall in disgust. HOW I LOST A MILLION. In the fall of '68 there was an unusual crop of acorns in the Red River bottom lands of Texas, and I lost a million dollars that year by not having hogs enough to eat 'em up. PITCH AND LOCATION. Pitch is considered healthy when located in pine knots, but the effect is different when it's located in a ship at sea. GIVING SIN A LONG LEASE OF LIFE. Isn't it somewhat of a mistake to preach hell here- after? Such an outlook must have a bad effect on the sinful and wayward classes, who argue, • ' Oh, well, if that's so, the hereafter is away off, and we've plenty BAkBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 107 of time to think about repenting when the time comes. " Hell is right here on earth, and somebody is catching it every day for their misdeeds. HIGH-PRICED KICKERS. Chronic kickers, who are forever grumbling about the price of everything, as a rule charge the most ex- orbitant prices for their own wares. SPELLING ALTERS CASES. The Maid of Athens was made of clay, just the same class, of building material used in the construc- tion of mankind in general. MANLY MEN. An honest doubter is more to be admired than a hypocrite. JUST AS IMPOSSIBLE. It is just as impossible for the devil to do a kind act as it is for the good Lord to do a mean one. GOOD BY, BOSTON! A lady down in Yucatan planted a bean near a tele- phone wire and in due time it sprouted. Then she trained the vine so as to run up the wire, and it bore a fine crop of beans, which ripened on the vine. One day she went out to gather her crop, when, to her sur- prise, she discovered that the beans had been eaves- Io8 6ARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. dropping, and had caught every word that had pass- ed over the wire for three months past. By putting one of the beans to her ear, every message that had been sent over the wire was repeated. They were so thoroughly telephonized, that you could hold one in the palm of your hand, talk to it, and then hand it around, when the performance would be re- peated. A lady sang "The Last Rose of Summer" to a handful of beans, and when she had finished, handed each person present a bean, and each sepa- rate bean repeated every note of music as perfect as the original. A number of beans were placed on the piano, with the same result. You may have a pock- etful of Bostons, saturated with famous operas, and all you have to do, when you want to hear the opera of •"Martha," for instance, is to pull out a "Martha" bean, hold it to your ear, and there you have it. Boston ain't in it any more, and all there's left for the " Hub " to do now is to pull down her sign and take off her hat to Yucatan. WHAT GOD LIKES TO SEE. It pleases our Heavenly Father to see Christianity in practical operation, in the form of railways, steam- ships, Atlantic cables, grain fields, manufacturing and non-sectarian schools. NEVER SPOIL A GOOD YARN. There should be a game law for the prevention of cruelty to good yarns and harmless stories, which are necessary auxiliaries to the pleasure of man BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 109 kind. The Author has spun and woven into this book a few all-wool yarns, upon which its readers may string a few leisure moments of pleasure, with- out extra charge. LIVING SCIENCE. Many people have got the science of living down so fine that they are able to live off other people, and never do a lick of work themselves. NO EXCUSE FOR UNGODLINESS. No one was ever so poor but that he could afford to wash and keep clean — there is no excuse for ungodli- ness. HAVE TO BACK WATER. Fools agree with each other in what they say and do, but when they come in contact with intelligent people they are lost in their own ignorance. Every fool is his own stumbling block. WHAT IS A CHRISTIAN? One whom you can trust. IF I COULD ONLY RECALL. How often we hear people exclaim, " Oh, if I could only recall my past life — ten, fifteen or twenty- five years — how differently I would order it!" Our HO BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. past lives are useful as guide-posts to our future, and our experience an example to those beginning life. The Author is not desirous of living his life over again, for he has had a hard row to hoe, and would much prefer joining the great majority, and experience what there is in it. HOW MONEY IS MADE AND LOST. Men make money through their acquaintances and lose it through their friends. GENTEEL BEGGARS. There's a peculiar class of people who never think of buying anything if there is a ghost of a show to get it for nothing. They will spend four dollars worth of time trying to get a thing for nothing that doesn't cost twenty-five cents. WHAT IS GLORY? Glory is zephyr capital, good only in the trade winds. He who works for glory in this world lives a i bloated pauper. RELIGION OF OLD MAIDS AND BACHE- LORS. Old maids and bachelors take for their text in life . the third verse of the third chapter of Genesis. If all hands and the cook should adopt the same line of life, tariff reform and the labor question would be settled in BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. Ill short order. There wouldn't be anybody left to agitate anything. A HAPPY DISPOSITION. I i A happy disposition is having the faculty of turn- ing accidents and happenings to good account. UPON WHOM THE RAIN FALLS. Upon the meek and the just, while the unjust are often sheltered in palaces built with money right- fully belonging to those "out in the wet." MAN'S UNRULY TONGUE. Man's conscience is ever busy keeping his tongue out of difficulties. WHAT IS DEATH AND THE HERE- AFTER? Death is simply another step higher in life ; our bodies are depositories for existence in this world and death the check upon which the deposit is withdrawn and transferred to a better body in a higher sphere, where the surroundings are rest, peace, happiness, joy and contentment, free from the worry, sickness, sorrow, toil, hardship and suffering of life on earth. Life never dies — it is progressive. Before we were born we knew not what our bodies were to be, nor that we would know each other facially here, nor our conditions and surroundings, but when we appeared in this world all these things were revealed and made 112 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. known to us. So it will be in the world to come, after death, which means to be born again in Heaven, where, according to our Christian knowledge, we will meet our friends and know them facially. My par- ents are both dead, also a brother and a sister, but all are living in Heaven, as much so as if they had gone from one State or country in this world to an- other, and it is only a question of time when the mes- senger of death will summon me to join them. It is this rich inheritance awaiting me in the next world which prompts me to be in good spirits and feel hap- py in this world, whether I be rich or poor, whether I live in a palace or under the boughs of a banyan tree in the wilds of Africa. You will meet your friends in Heaven and know them as you did in this world ; therefore do not worry, but make the most of life you can, and have all the enjoyment possible in an honorable way, for we are only children in this world, experiencing our first training in the primary department of the school of life; when we have finished we will be advanced to a higher department. If you have lost a little child, don't mourn or worry, for your little darling is neither dead nor lost, it is just across the river of death, waiting and watching for you to come and greet it. ' 4 Tis not all of life to live nor all of death to die." SCOLD BUT NEVER INSTRUCT. You will often find parents who seem to take de- light in fault-finding and scolding their children and servants, but who never by any chance make an en- deavor to instruct them to do this or that, and then BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. II3 they wonder why it is their children are so far behind others of their age. The same with servants whose mistresses are ignorant of domestic affairs. THE PEOPLE'S VOCABULARY. Poptilar language, like the popular music which greets the ears and gladdens the hearts of the masses, is the only language to rely upon to reach the public mind. SHORT HISTORY OF PROGRESS. Modern improvements are but the crude ancient ideas refined. WHAT ARE INVESTMENTS? Just financial farming — that's all. The money in- vested is the seed sown, the business the crop, and the profit the harvest. It often happens that the crop turns out bad, and in many cases the seed fails to come up and is lost altogether, allee samee Hay- see.dee. GOLD A DISTURBING ELEMENT. There was a time when gold was produced in suf- ficient quantity to answer the purpose of a circulating medium of all the trade and commerce of the world , but with the increase of population comes the in- crease of industry, which is the basis of commerce, until to-day we find that the supply of gold is inade- quate, and it has therefore ceased to be a virtue, and J 14 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. has become a bone of contention and a disturbing element in trade and commerce, while silver has in- creased in production, keeping pace with the world's increase, and is therefore entitled to first place, instead of gold, which should retire upon its laurels. In short, gold has got more on its hands than it can at- tend to properly, and is wearing itself out, running to and fro, here and there, from Europe to America, disturbing values, business, progress and the happi- ness of mankind. Give gold a rest, and let silver have a show. HOME-MADE RELICS. When we grow old we become relics of ourselves. As everybody, then, is his own relic, let us see to it that we present as good an appearance as possible. THE THING TO DO. The thing to do, for the sake of doing it, is to do good. Never do a mean thing, even for love — the strongest incentive on this planet. ONE-SIDED EDUCATION. Some people become educated to a point where they imagine that they are smart enough to live with- out work, but without sense enough to know how to doit. KNOWLEDGE WITHOUT A MASTER. It is often the case that fellows with knowledge are lacking in ability to put it to any good use, until BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 115 some other, with executive ability, comes along and makes a fortune out of the first one's intelli- gence. The executive fellow is a mind prospector, who prospects for stray minds, out of which he pans pure gold. WHERE THE LORD DOES NOT PRO- VIDE. It is only the lazy, thriftless and superstitious who believe that the world owes them a living and that the Lord will provide for them, whether they work or not. For all such people the Lord provides the road or the poorhouse. BIMETALLISM. Some one asked one of the picked crew of congress- men the other day what the term bimetallism meant. His answer was that it was a corpusfungus term, which meant the act of buying scrap metal. PICKS. Never pick a quarrel. It is better to pick the banjo, for music hath charms to massage the savage from head to foot. LIBERAL VIEWS. Genial and companionable people are those with liberal views. We should be cosmopolitan in spirit and feeling, and value men and women as we find them, and not be governed by partiality. Never Il6 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. judge a person by the clothing or jewelry he wears. The author has traveled all over the world, and min- gled with all sorts of people, from a Hindoo tramp to kings, queens, potentates and potentaters, and some of the biggest fools he even ran across were dressed out of sight. Good manners go far ahead of dress, although it is well enough to have some kind of a garb on, as it isn't fashionable to go naked, though the woman I saw at the opera the other night was about as near that point as the prohibition law allows; at least that part of her body that appeared above the box rail didn't have much of anything on it. On the same occasion I paid a curb-stone broker two dollars and a half for a dollar seat behind a woman with a cow-boy's hat on, and I didn't see the opera, and lost my money besides. WHAT GOD EXPECTS OF US. All that God expects of us is to obey the laws of nature and the dictates of our conscience. LEARNED AND TO BE LEARNED. The more we learn the more we realize how little we know of the inexhaustible fountain of knowledge yet to be acquired. THE GREATEST CONQUERORS. The greatest conquerors are those who conquer themselves by destroying the fortifications of Satan, BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. I17 in the form of evil habits, and planting instead prin- ciples which grow into noble men and women. SATAN AS A CATERER. Satan furnishes food for gossip-mongers and can always be relied upon for supplies for fresh scandal. COMPULSORY HONESTY. A man who is honest through fear of punishment is not to be trusted. This is compulsory honesty put into practice for the time being and liable to go wrong the first opportunity. A sincere and truly honest person is honest and reliable, through love of principle, and fears nothing. A man who is honest because it is the best policy is not to be trusted, for he is honest only when it is to his interest to be so. ZOOLOGY AND TENEMENT HOUSES. The cages of wild animals in the zoological gar- dens and menageries are kept in a cleaner and healthier condition than the pigstys and lairs in tene- ment houses and crowded districts in which human beings den. INDIVIDUALITY. America is the land of individuality and liberty to develop character and work it into practicability and usefulness, independent of parentage. In England, France, Germany, Italy, Spain and other parts of the Il8 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. world, men are made to-day after the same old pat- tern in use for five hundred years, and you have only to know their nationality to place them at once — but with an American it is different — you can no more judge of his character from such data than you could tell the nature of an animal by the color of its hair. The only sure method is to know him personally. Foreigners wonder at what they term the contradic- tory character of the American. It is the fusion of a variety of international peculiarities that has pro- duced this variety of character in the American, and when we take into consideration our utter disregard of tradition, it is no wonder that our country is so great as she swells out to-day. MAN'S TRUE STRENGTH. The true strength of man lies in his power of in- telligence. Physically, the strength of man is the same as that of the lower order of animals, as the horse, the ox, or the mule. MAN'S MANY WAYS TO ACT THE FOOL. There is no animal on the face of the earth with more wealth of ways to act the fool than a human being. PRINCIPLE AND IMPULSE. The man who speaks and acts upon principle goes through life fearless and intact. He who acts and speaks upon impulse doesn't know where he stands BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. HQ for certain, and half of the time is so badly scattered that it would puzzle an anatomical lawyer to put him together again, so that he might be good for any- thing. AN ARCHITECTURAL POINTER. Realism tears down air castles without remorse, and builds up more substantial things in their place. EQUALLY CRUEL. The extremely civilized and uncivilized are equally cruel. It is the happy medium of life where Chris- tianity abounds. BLESSING CHILDREN OF A LARGER GROWTH. I never look upon a picture of "Christ Blessing Little Children" that it doesn't occur to me how much his services are needed to-day to bless older people. EVIL OCCUPATION. Never engage in any business tainted with wrong. Nature bears at all times a harvest of legitimate op- portunities for the benefit of the human family to engage in and to enjoy. Do not sit idly by and wait for these opportunities to come to you, for if you do you will get left, and be found sitting on the same old nest. Select the occupation you want to follow, 120 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. stick to it, and cultivate it with honesty, sobriety, hard work and good judgment, and your success is assured. THE BEST KIND OF CONDIMENT. Instruction, spiced and seasoned with humor, is the most palatable to the brain. EVERY COUNTRY HAS ITS SCUM. Countries, like rivers, lakes and seas, have their driftwood and scum. There are good, bad and indif- ferent people in all countries; no one nation is peopled by angels solely. America is no exception to the rule, and if it was put to the test she would take the premium for having some of the best and worst people on the face of the earth. IN THE WAY OF OURSELVES. One great trouble in life is that we get in the way of ourselves, stumble and fall over our mistakes, and receive injuries from which many of us never recover, and are thus made cripples for life. Lack of fore- thought, judgment, reason, and bad influence, has led many a poor creature astray, who might be to-day living happily instead of in sorrow and remorse. Man is a clock, if he did but know it. His heart is the mainspring, his brain the works which direct the hands, while the eyes and ears illuminate the face and strike the time. We are wound up when we are born, and the key — no two alike — thrown away. BARBY COEYS PHILOSOPHY. 121 Some run for years, keeping good time, while others stop after a few days. The good ones command high esteem while the poor ones go to the junk shop. Man is his own time-piece and can run himself to suit himself, and with greater ease correctly than if he kept bad time. GRASSHOPPERS ON TOAST. When grasshoppers are abundant, the Indians dig a hole, build a fire in the bottom of it, and drive the swarms of insects into it from all directions. They then cover the opening with blankets, and the hop- pers, thus killed and roasted, are taken out and put into bags with salt. Afterward* they are spread out in the sun to dry ; then they are ready for eating, and are said by connoisseurs to be finer than shrimp. ADVERTISEMENTS ARE EDITORIALS. Those who read newspapers, and do not recognize that advertisements are business editorials, have lost a large amount of commercial training which they » otherwise might have had without any additional cost. HOW I RECEIVED INSPIRATION OF A FUTURE LIFE. Hardships, toils, disappointments and a full round of misfortunes set me to thinking, what are we here for and what is it all about ? The loss of my mother was the hardest blow of all. I went out into the for- 122 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. est, and there, in silent prayer, thought and medita- tion, implored God to tell me whether I would ever see her again. After the first fervor of my supplica- tion passed away, a feeling of relief came to me, and I was as much assured as though a direct answer was given me, that I would meet mother again in Heaven and know her there facially as my mother. From that time on I have lived and will die in that belief, which, I feel, was a message from mother herself, sent through the power of our Creator. PHYSICAL DISABILITY. A person may be physically weak and unsound, but if one's conscience is at ease he is all right. SORROW. Cold and inhuman are those who have no sorrow in their hearts. Sorrow is the forerunner of charity for those who suffer and are in need of help. If we see a poor dumb animal suffering and hungry, our sorrow prompts us to render it assistance. We are not here to live a selfish life. We must have sorrow, pity and charity for both man and beast, in order to worthily fulfil our earthly mission. OUR CONSCIENCE IS OUR SOUL. It is clear to my mind that the word ' ' soul " is a misinterpretation of "conscience," which is really the soul. We can feel, appreciate, understand and realize a conscience, but no human being can feel, BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 123 understand or appreciate a soul, what it is or where it is, for it is immaterial, while a conscience is tan- gible, speaks to us, argues with us, and consequently- must be regarded as material. When we die this con- science of ours accompanies our life to its new body, described in a former chapter, and both dwell to- gether as they did on earth. Our conscience is our soul. THE MERCHANTS' BEST CUSTOMERS. People who pay cash for what they get are the only absolutely reliable customers upon whom the merchant counts to build up and keep alive his busi- ness. This valuable class of customers are, as a rule, of the medium class, who are never rated in the "Commercial Record," have no credit, don't want any, nor don't expect any. A CASE OF NON-REGRETTIBUS. No husband will ever regret taking the advice of a good wife. HOW ABOUT THIS? There is a maxim to the effect that " we should do our utmost to encourage the beautiful, for the useful encourages itself . " About the beautiful being short on encouragement, seems to me a mistake. Take a beautiful woman for an example. She's got encourage- ment to spare — sometimes a surplus large enough to break the hearts of forty men. And so about the useful being long on encouragement, that's a mistake, 124 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. too. Take a tramp for instance. He's useful for saw- ing wood, but it takes lots of outside encouragement to get him at it. ! WHAT BECOMES OF BORROWED MONEY. Only one dollar out of three borrowed is ever paid back. Hence he who lends must chance a loss while he who borrows must be in debt. TO OUR OLIVE BRANCHES. Little children, as you entered the world in tears, while all around you smiled, endeavor so to live that you will die smiling, while all around you weep. WHERE EUROPE EXCELS AMERICA. The only thing that Europe excels America in is the manufacture of instruments of torture and death," known as the arts of war on land and sea. The bloom of youth of Europe are slaves to the war-god, and spend the springtime of their lives worshiping this demon, instead of learning trades, useful industries and com- merce, to the benefit of their fellows, rather than put- ting forth all their energies and talents toward tortur- ing and destroying them. Over here in America we are neither idolaters nor devil-worshipers. We are a free and independent nation of producers. Instead of teaching our young men heathenism we give them a good education, which they combine with common sense and reason, and they are out in the world . BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 25 climbing up the ladder of life before they are twenty- one years old. What is the result of all this ? Why, that to-day America is the proud mother of such great and good men as Washington, Jackson, Hous- ton, Clay, Webster, Longfellow, Fulton, Morse, the two Coopers, and I was about to say me, too, but modesty forbids. And as for women, why, we ex- cel the world from the beginning of Eve's nuptial festivities. CIVILIZATION'S POLISH. Civilization develops both the good and vile quali- ties of a human being. It doesn't change the animal radically — it only adds a polish to our good or evil traits. WHERE IS THE MONEY TO PAY FOR IT? A bad habit with some people is, that when you are about to start on a journey they will ask you to bring them this, that, or the other, and expect you, besides, to pay for it out of your own pocket, with the privilege of having it left on your hands provided it doesn't suit them. A GRAVE INDUSTRY. Since the introduction of the ornate casket, it is said that coffin robberies of the grave is not infre- quent. When a funeral takes place, the ghouls mark the grave, and. soon thereafter it is opened and the 126 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. body removed from the coffin or casket and placed in the rough box covering. The casket is then taken away and sold for half its value. Stranger things than this have happened, but not often. NEVER LIVE LONG. . Those who accumulate money by their own hard work and industry never live long enough to enjoy it; it is those who inherit it that scatter the chink and live fast or long enough to enjoy the luxury it af- fords. THE BEST "D. H." The b est annual pass over all lines of travel, in- cluding hotel accommodations, is money. MYOPIA NOT IN IT. One never needs eye-glasses to see a friend. ABSENCE AND PRESENCE. Cynthiana truly says that, on some occasions, ab- sence of body is better than absence of mind. Trol- ley-car riders take notice. ALL THE ILLS IN THE CATALOGUE. Mistakes in life are usually paid for in regrets, sor- row, poverty, mental strain, loss of fortune, liberty, BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 27 character, sickness, destruction, death and disgrace. It all depends upon what the mistake is and in some cases who made it. WHAT IS MEANT BY EVOLUTION. Evolution is the unfolding of truth and doctrines that lead up to a higher sphere of intelligence, honesty and sincerity of purpose. It is the theory of the one and the only true and practical Christianity. RACE PREJUDICE. Race prejudice or hatred is too broad in its scope to be truly Christian in its spirit. For in every clime there are some good and kind-hearted people. NO STOP-OVER PLACE. Hell may do long enough to change cars in, but it's a poor place to stop over. EN ROUTE. Man is transitory, en route to a better world, but many fail to appreciate this great truth. THE ORGAN TREE. In northwestern Africa grows a tree, upon the branches of which shoot up clusters of reeds, similar in formation to those of an ordinary street organ.and Which when played upon by the wind, become nature's musi. 128 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. cal instrument, producing the most exquisite sounds, second only to the sweet vibrations of the harp-strings we hear of aloft. UNCOVERED HEADS. It was a custom among the Peruvians, both male and female, in the days gone by, to uncover the head at divine worship. Pity this custom isn't in vogue to-day among the female theatre-goers. WHAT TO DO UNDER UNCERTAIN CIR- CUMSTANCES. The best thing to do if you are broke is to get mended as soon as possible ; and above all things de- pend upon yourself to do your own mending. Every- one has as much as he can do to keep himself in re- pair. SELF-RELIANCE. Children should be taught this virtue from early childhood, and not be led astray with the false im- pression that they can rely upon some one else to take care of them. Self-reliance is true independ- ence. A DUCK-PICKING LAKE. Down in the Aztec region there is a lake of salt water, mixed with lime. When wild ducks [alight jn this lake, the water has the effect of causing all BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. I2£ the feathers to fall off, save a few pin feathers, leav- ing the bird looking like a society woman at a fash- ionable ball. THE HOG LEFT. A drunken man and a hog were lying down togeth" er on the roadside, when someone discovered them, and remarked, ' • Sure enough a man is known by the company he keeps. " The hog overheard the remark, and immediately got up and left. MANY WAYS TO BE POOR. Poor in pocket is only one of the many species of pov- erty. Man may be poor in health, poor in strength, poor in morals, in spirit and in character. There are many living to-day who are rich in pocket, but mean, poverty-stricken creatures in many other respects. UNCLE CHARLEY HAS MOVED. Uncle Charley Leonard occupied his body fifty-nine years four months and seven days, and at ten o'clock one bright night he moved into his new body in heaven. That same afternoon his friends and rela- tives buried the old one. DENTIST BIRDS. Down in Costa Rica, where alligators are as plenti- ful as rats in a barn, you can see them basking in the sun on the banks of the rivers with their 130 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. long mouths wide open and little birds hopping around in them — the mouths of the alligators — picking bits of fish and shell from the teeth of these monsters, and leaving them as clean as if a dentist had done it. Another peculiarity of these birds and alligators is that they are friends, and when the alligators are asleep the birds keep watch over them, and in case of an enemy approaching the birds will fly into the eyes of the alligators and wake them up, to warn them of their danger. WILL POWER. The will-power of some people consists in waiting till the old man dies. LIVING ON THEIR WITS. No man can live on his wits alone. He must have people without any wits to practice upon in order to make his work pan out. WILD INFATUATION. Never let calf love run away with wisdom. Love something worthy of love ; don't waste your sweetness en a jimson weed. HEAVENLY INSTINCT OF AN INFANT. As an infant believes in its mother, and takes to her naturally, without the power to explain in words who or what she is, so it is with older persons, who BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 131 believe in God, heaven and the life hereafter. They will grow up to realize in death the living truth of their natural belief. A SPARKLING GODDESS. The goddess of the prohibitionists is Water Loo. DON'T FEAR INJUSTICE. God will never hold anyone responsible for acts committed unconsciously. THE PROBLEM OF AGES. Civilization has always presented two great prob- lems—the one, how to get rich, and the other how to stay rich. In the meantime Father Time goes right along, borning and burying people just the same. What is it all about ? IN A BAD FIX. The man who loses his money is worse off than if he had never had any. In the latter case he is fully protected against such loss and the suffering in con- sequence. ONE OF THE MANY SOURCES OF LYING. Poverty will cause people to oxidize the truth about as much as anything else. A man will lie and scheme to make money, and after he has got it he 132 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. will lie to keep from paying taxes on it or parting with it if he can lie out of it. Money makes liars of men. NOT ALL YOUR FRIENDS. Don't think everbody you talk with is your friend. EVERY MAN'S DUTY. It is man's duty to himself to be an honorary mem- ber in good standing among his fellow men. HOW WE GROW CRITICAL. The more intelligent man becomes, the more criti- cal he is of his fellow man. GOOD SPORTS TAINTED. What a pity that good, healthy sports, like foot and base ball, should be tainted with the gambler's touch. THAT WELCOME POSTMAN. Joy is the name of the heart's favorite postman, who brings cheering news to gladden us. Some- times his stock is low, and by the time it is divided up among the heirs it doesn't cut much of a figure. The biggest stock of imaginary joy is when two peo- ple contemplate marriage. Some manage to keep their stock up to the standard afterward by constantly sarbv coey's philosophy. 133 adding new invoices of love and affection, while others let their stock run down, fail, dissolve partnership, and go out of business. TO GET OVER SUNDAY. Poor, miserable, unfortunate, improvident creatures are those who suffer the pangs of how to reach money enough to get over Sunday. LIFE NOT A FAILURE. Life is not a failure to anyone who is not a failure within himself, in thought, spirit and action. The future holds everything great and good, all that humanity dare aspire to, with the big silver lining be- yond. THE FOE OF DESPAIR. Hope kills despair and cheers the soul on to vic- tory. HUMILIATING CHARITY. It is a scourging of the whip-lash for anyone to pre- tend to do you a favor while they grumble and scowl as they do it. ACQUIRING HABITS. It is just as easy to acquire good habits as bad ones. Absorption has a great deal to do with the for- mation of one's character. Some people without 134 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. educational opportunities absorb and form good habits from noting the manners and listening to the speech of others, while many with similar opportuni- ties fail to profit by them, absorbing only the bad and immoral side of life. Anybody who acquires a bad habit can exchange it for a good one, if he so wills. SIGN OF THE COWARD. A man who goes about bragging how many men he has abused and knocked out is a coward at heart. DON'T SUGAR-COAT IT. Brutal and cruel men can only be made to realize the awful character of their crimes by making them taste of their own bitter medicine. HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. There is no such thing as unbroken success. Never in the history of the world was there such an unbroken run, either national or personal. It is an old Greek proverb that the gods envy unbroken suc- cess. Take the history of the nations of the earth, and looking along the record line, you will find many broken places, some that were never mended, others on which an attempt at repairs have been made, with, in many places, the marks to show where the break was, as is the case with our own nation, whose line of success was cut over thirty years ago. It has taken a long time to mend it, and there are many places BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 135 yet that need fixing badly. So it is with individuals, who have been successful in the work of the world, there always comes a time when a break occurs, often so serious that it is irreparable, and in many cases leaves the principal either a convict, a fugitive from justice, a lunatic, a suicide or a bankrupt. No commercial or banking house ever established but is bound to meet with a break some day, and so it goes on down the line, from a millionaire business man to a peanut vender, they are sure to fail if they keep it up long enough. So also is it with the professions, statescraftmen and great rulers — there comes a time when the leaves begin to fall from the laurels they have won. Greed has had much to do in bringing about failure, as has overweening ambition. The great point lies in just when and where to stop and rest under the shade of the tree of success. WHERE WAGES ARE NEVER REDUCED. The employes of Satan were never known to go on a strike on account of any reduction of the wages of sin. The devil never reduces the salaries of his work- ers, who are well paid, by sickness, suffering, im- prisonment and death. 1 AFTER THE FITFUL FEVER. A spendthrift son imagines he gets more pleasure out of squandering the money left him than his par- ents did in accumulating it, and he can do it in less than one quarter the time, and then live in mental I36 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. and physical hell and torment the rest of his life. Moral. Avoid evil associates, bad habits and a loaf- er's life of idleness, vice and disgrace. A CHILD'S PRAYER. ' ' Oh, dear mamma and papa, teach me only that which I should practice and will be a blessing to me when I am grown up. For my sake and yours, too, Amen. " PERSONAL DEVILS. There are men and women who are personal devils. LAWYERS AND RIP-SAWS. What one lawyer nails down another rips up, and gets paid for doing the rip act, otherwise the law- yers couldn't live. WE ARE JUDGED AS WE APPEAR. If a person appears low and common, and uses vul- gar expressions, he is sure to be classed as low grade. We are judged, stamped, marked and labeled ac- cording to our conduct and language. HOW TO GET TO CHINA IN TWELVE HOURS. Taking for granted that the earth revolves once every twenty-four hours, all you would have to do to reach China in twelve hours would be to go up BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 37 in a balloon, wait suspended in the air, and China would roll around to you. If this isn't so, then the earth doesn't move on an axil-tree — that's all. AGE OF THE WORLD. In my opinion, this planet on which we live was 17,839,528 years, 1 1 months and 14 days old up to the hour this book went to press. These figures are based upon the estimated time it would require to construct a planet of the present dimensions. THEY USED TO BE LONELY. In times gone by, the lakes, rivers and seas, with their families of fishes, were lonely, with nothing to break the monotony, which continued for ages, until man appeared, who built vessels to sail over them, catch and eat the fish, and change their monotonous life into one of commerce, industry, pleasure and oc- casional disaster to man and his ship. MAN'S INGRATITUDE— DOGS' FIDELITY. Ovid Santos was a trusted young man, brought up in a business house from a boy, at three dollars a week, to that of cashier, at three thousand dollars a year. Through virtue of his position, he robbed the firm of twenty thousand dollars, and is now a convicted thief, in State Prison, disgraced forever. If he had been a dog he never would have turned against his friend and benefactor. The trouble with I38 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. human beings is that they are human. If they were domestic animals they would be more universally re- liable, companionable and trustworthy. STANDARD OF INTELLIGENCE. The intelligence of fifty per cent, of humanity is ten degrees below that of a horse. People with good horse-sense are scarce in comparison to their number. OBJECT LESSONS. Man condemns his own immorality and wrong-do- ing only when he sees it enacted by others. DOING UNNECESSARY THINGS. The main source of man's suffering, loss and unhap- piness lies in doing things he don't have to. A HYBRID CRITIC. A hybrid critic is envious and jealous, and assumes to know everything from Alpha to Omaha ; but, in fact, don't know anything except what he has bor- rowed on imagination for security. These tear- downs and never-build-ups are menace-barnacles on the ship of life, retarding the progress of civiliza- tion, education, sociability and good companionship. These bores will interject insensible words, erroneous statements, direct contradictions and sham arguments into a discussion, fly away from the question, side- track, puff and blow, assume wisdom, take excep- BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 39 tions and dispute everything said and done, but rarely- express a sensible thought, or broach an original idea. Good, sensible criticism, founded on common sense and reason, is refining, instructive and worth listen- ing to, but a hybrid critic is a last year's crows nest, and nothing in it. KICKING AGAINST THEIR OWN DOINGS. "As you make your bed, so you shall lie," is a maxim of old. Some people make their beds of thorns and bolster their heads with bags of thistles. No wonder they complain of their condition. A BOSS FOOL. The most foolish of fools is he who thinks he can fool nature. LOOK. WITHIN ! Many people look for honor in others, but never once stop to investigate whether they've a trace of the article themselves. FORTUNES OF THE FUTURE. The more advanced civilization becomes the harder it is to earn a living, and fewer are the opportunities to become wealthy. Bed rock has been reached and scarcely any color or metal in it. Things have set- tled down to a daily toil and nose-to-the-grindstone basis. The natives of the wilds of Africa are far bet- 146 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. ter off, because they don't have to work for a living, but they will, if civilization keeps on. What a pity these happy creatures should be disturbed in their blissful state. It would be cruelty to civilize them. BOOMS. The worst cyclone that could strike a city or town is a boom. Booms are wind-bag gambling schemes, with only one chance in fifty to win, and a very slim one at that. You go into a town that is just getting over a boom epidemic, and everybody and thing have a deathlike still on, and act as though they were struggling through a bad case of small pox. It takes a town and its people years to get over boom effects, and many people never recover financially. LATTER DAY SLAVERY. There are ten times more white slaves in America to-day than there were blacks ones before the war. The only difference is that the modern white slave has to work harder, live poorer and pay his or her own expenses, while the negro slaves were far hap- pier, for they were well provided with good homes and good fare, free of every expense, including doc- tor's bills, whether they worked or not. COLUMBUS' UBIQUITY. No man that ever lived has come up to the record of Columbus for having been born in more different places at the same time, according to the many reports BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 141 in circulation. And his many deaths and burial places equal in number his birthplaces. Judging from these various reports, Columbus was about the worst-scattered human being, from start to finish, that ever ran the race of life. The achievements of Col- umbus were never equalled, for the reason that when the world was organized and put into shape to be util- ized by man, there was only one America, and we've got that, thanks to Christopher. DON'T DO IT. Never size a man up as an ignoramus because he happens to be green in some things. COME TO STAY. Success comes to him who hustles, is patient and takes care of his hustlings when he bags 'em. A CURIOSITY SHOP. The world is a grand old museum and curiosity shop, open day and night, Sundays included, in which the Lord of all good and the lord of all evil have permanent exhibitions, and both well patroniz- ed. CAT MOTHER TO THE RAT. While fishing one day I caught a young muskrat on my hook, and took it home and introduced it to an old black cat we had. Tabby adopted it as her kitten, and cared for it as her own, Two weeks 142 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. after we gave a christening party in honor of me oc- casion and adopted the muskrat as a full-fledged member of the household, with all rights and privi- leges. I danced the old Virginny Reel with Susie Patton, who wore a beautiful calico dress, which she made herself, and I believe her, because she told me so. NO LOAFING. We must not sit idly by and expect the Lord to take care of us. Prayer alone without work will never accomplish anything. Man must work his pas- sage to success in this world. WHAT SOME OF OUR GREAT MEN WERE IN THE BEGINNING. Aristotle, the celebrated philosopher, was a shoe- maker by trade, who studied at night to acquire his knowledge. - Arkwright.the inventor of the carding spinning ma- chine, was a barber. Achilles, the most heroic of Grecian generals, and the hero of the siege of Troy, was a shepherd boy, who took care of the vast flocks of sheep belonging to his father. iEsop, the Euclid of moral science, was born of parents who were slaves in Phrygia, and he was sold as one, at Samos, to a liberal master, who, upon learn- ing his talents, gave him his freedom. Burns, the Scottish poet, and one of the most origi- BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 43 nal geniuses who ever lived, was a farm laborer. His memory is cherished and beloved by all mankind to- day. Bolivar, the George Washington of South America, 1 and founder of three republics, was a farmer. Caesar, Julius, was born in the year ioo B. C, of the ancient Julian family. In youth he was a spendthrift and afterward an intriguer. Cicero, Marcus, was born in the year 105 B. C, of humble parentage, and was educated by learned Greeks. Christopher Columbus, the discoverer of America, was born at Genoa, Italy, in 1447. His family fol- lowed the sea, and he followed the family-failing. Confucius, the Chinese philosopher, was born in the year 550 B. C. He taught the people to sub- mit to Providence, love their neighbors and res- train their angry passions. In early life he was a tea-planter. Cromwell, Oliver, was born in 1599. In early life the Protector and King-killer was a farmer. Demosthenes, the Greek orator, was a sheep herder. Diogenes, who went about at midday with a lighted lamp, looking for an honest man, was a plumber. Euclid, the author of Elements of Geometry, was a gardener. Fulton, Robert, the inventor of steam navigation, was in early life a farmer, and studied engineering. Josephus, the learned Jew, was the son of a clothes dealer. After a youth of study he became a leader 144- BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. against the Romans, but being taken prisoner he cast his fortunes with them, and was present at the siege and destruction of Jerusalem. He returned to Rome, where he wrote his various books. Guillotine, the inventor of that merciless instru- ment of death which bears his name, was a French physician. Harvey, the discoverer of the circulation of the blood, was a druggist. Herschel, the great astronomer, was a musician. Isaiah, a Jewish poet, was a pedlar. Kant, Immanuel, the logician, was in early life a basket-maker. Luther, Martin, the German reformer, was a poor orphan boy, and was educated at the university of Wittenburg by charity. Moses, a Jewish priest of Osiris, who headed the Jews on their expulsion from Egypt, was a shepherd boy. Ossian, an Irish poet, was a son of Fingal, a Gaelic chief. Phidias, the celebrated sculptor, was a stonecutter by trade. Shakespeare was a son of a wool stapler, and used to hold horses at the door of the theatre. Bishop Taylor was the son of a barber, and died at Lisbon in 1647. George Washington, first President of the United States, was a farmer. Mohammed the Good, was a farmer, and used to milk his goats and mend his own sandals. He was BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 14$ just, merciful and impartial, and devoted to the poor. Thus we learn from this brief synopsis of the his- tory of these great men, that good qualities may be inherited, but true greatness can only be acquired by hard work, self-reliance, principle and patient . The fact that a young man is the son of his father, bears his name and inherits his money", doesn't make him great. His greatness lies in himself and his acts, IT ALL DEPENDS. Knowledge and wealth are both valuable acquisi- tions, for those who know how to use them rightfully, without which they are really and truly a source of annoyance. NEVER OUT WHILE YOU'RE IN. No human being is ever out of danger as long as he is in this world. MODESTY AND BRAVERY. A brave man never exhibits bravado. The more a man is a man the more modest he is. THE GOOD OLD-TIME DARKEY. The genuine Southern darkey is as good to-day as he was before the war ; many of these former slaves now own their own homes and bits of land or are en- gaged in business, and often consult ' * old Massa " about their affairs, But, like the rest of mankind, 146 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. they will soon pass from the earth, never more to re- turn, and future generations will know them only by tradition. But the new generation which has sprung up since the war is not to be compared with the old, now so rapidly following poor old Massa to ' ' the cold, cold ground." Generations yet to come will sing 4 ■ dem good old songs we used to sing, long time ago." ROOM LEFT FOR IMPROVEMENT. When bad people quit this earth they leave room for improvement ; their absence commences the im- provement boom. PHYSICAL EQUALITY. The inventor of the six-shooter placed all men on an equality physically. BORROWED MERIT. A man who has to refer to the part of the country he is from as a recommendation, exists on borrowed merit. A man should be a man, independent of where he was born or hails from. Observance of law is liberty. IS THE MOON BROKE? Astrologers say that the moon is busted, and is bor- rowing its light from the sun. The man in the moon BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 147 says the astrologers are juggling with truth, and that he doesn't owe old Sol a cent and never borrowed as much as a tallow dip from him. HOADERS OF MONEY. The foreign elements in this country are the people who economize and lay by money. The American element is both earner and spender, and keeps money in circulation. A LAZY DEFINITION. A lazy person is one who contentedly waits for something to do, but who is in no hurry to get at it- POOR TENSILE STRENGTH. Lies are the worst material with which to build up one's life and character. A house that rests on pil- lars of falsehood is sure to fall upon its builder. THE GRAND TRANSFORMATION. The halt, the maimed, the blind, the deaf and the sick will be restored to health and form when death transfers them to their new body, which will be free from all ailments. VINDICATION OF LABOR. Capital is the result of labor, therefore labor should take precedence over capital. God created man, aric} 148 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. man, through his labor, created capital. Therefore, man, representing labor, by his right as creator of capital, should be on top, and capital, being a second- ry matter, should be held in abeyance to man. As the father is to the child, so is labor to capital. A hog abroad lives like a pig at home. WHEN THE TICKER CHUCKLES. How the stock-ticker chuckles and buzzes to itself every now and then, as the speculative moths are be- ing taken in and wound up on that interminable paper ribbon, so innocent-looking and frail, but strong enough to wring blood from a giant's heart. WHICH MODE IS YOURS? The love of God is wisdom, the fear of God is com- pulsory good behavior. THE FEAR OF RIDICULE. The fear of ridicule often prompts men to deeds of victory and success. RELIGION OF THE PLUMBER. Everything here is planned for man's good; If the pipes didn't bust, the plumber would. GIRLS AND PRESENTS. The fellow that loves the hardest and gives the BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 149 girl the most presents doesn't always get her. Moral. Save your love and money for the girl when she be- comes your wife, for it often happens with man that he spends all his love and money on his courtship, and has none left to go housekeeping with. SHE IS AFTER HIM. Woman was made after man, and she has been after him ever since. GULLIBLE GAMBLER'S FAITH. The faith of the gambler and speculator is on a par with chasing a wild goose to catch an ostrich feather. KNIGHTS OF LABOR. The laboring masses, unified, can elect their own representatives to office, from President of the United States down to constable. Time's compass is begin- ning to point that way. NOT IN THE THREE R'S. Because a man doesn't know how to play cards is no sign that his education has been neglected. THE MODERN GAME. Ticker roulette is an improved wheel, at which the player bets on stocks, produce, mines, horse races, 150 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. base ball, foot 'ball, elections, etc. Instead of yell- ing "Keno," the player now says " Oh, h — !" IF I WAS IN A SINKING SHIP I would do my praying in trying to keep from drowning, and help others. The man who gets left to tell the story is a man after my own heart. BE CAREFUL OF SUCCESS. The smallest kind often swells the hardest head. Be careful of success. PICTURE WRITING. The art of picture writing by the sketch artist of to-day was never finer in the history of the world. ACTUAL NEEDS. If people drank liquor only when they actually needed it, they wouldn't average over one drink a week, and two-thirds of them wouldn't average over one drink a month. HE SAW MILLIONS IN IT. Sam Falkner had a good business and was making money, until one day a fellow come along with a pro- cess for cannonizing artillery men proof against shot BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. I 5 I and shell. Sam became visionized and saw millions in the thing, sold out his business and invested the proceeds in it. He is now looking for a job and liv- ing off his father-in-law until the looking season is over. Moral. — Never give up one good thing before you have a firm hold on another. SEEING AND GRASPING. Seeing a thing, and grasping it, is a different mat- ter. How often one goes to a play, or sees an object, or reads an article, and that's all. They never absorb any knowledge of what they see or read; they belong to the time killer's club. HOW TO SHOULDER A LOSS. Losses should be shouldered with renewed energy and a determination to recover, without fail, no «mat- ter if every drop of milk has been spilt, and not a cow in sight. ANANIAS AND SAPPHIRA. If what killed Ananias and Sapphira was in vogue to-day it would depopulate the country. CONSOLATION. Consolation is the balm of life. If you have made a bad trade, or have bad debts, do like the old farmer did who drove his hogs eighty miles to market. Just 152 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. before this old philosopher arrived at the market town, everyone of his porkers was stricken with cholera and died. He said there was one consolation — he had the company of the hogs. A SNAP SHOT. He is a good marksman who knows a good oppor- tunity when he sees it, and can hit it for all it is worth. We are liable to get most anything but rich. WHAT IS SCIENCE? Christianity going ahead, working out and develop- ing *the problems of life, for the practical benefit of humanity, while religion is straggling two thousand years behind the times, wrangling in a wilderness of superstition and loud-mouthed discussions over small doctrinal points Hulk parents produce barnacle children. HOW WHISTLING STARTED. When the garden of Eden was foreclosed on, and Adam and Eve were out in the street, with nothing on but style, Adam says to Eve— "How are we to BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 53 get along now?" Eve replied: "I guess we'll have to whistle for a living." SUNDAY AND WEEK-DAY MANNERS. I wouldn't go a second-hand postage stamp on a man who sins all week and prays all Sunday. HOW MANY WILL TURN OUT GOOD. Excess of births over deaths is a good thing, pro- vided the newcomers turn out all right. If they don't, it would have been better had they never been born. SHORT ON ABILITY. Some people have the faculty of being able to start a thing all right, then their star begins to wane, and usually sets on failure. They seem to be fated never to carry anything to final completion nor establish success. Their star shines brightest in the beginning. KEEP THE PEACE AND BE CIVIL. It is a hard job for a person suffering with the toothache to keep the peace and be civil. It takes time, together with a little cold steel, and a dentist, to cure the toothache while you wait, so it will stay cured. THE ORDER OF THE DAY. Experience teaches us that money is the order of the day. Then, where is the use of creating a sensa- 154 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. tion, or getting a big name up about this, that or the other, unless there is something in it. The tendency of mankind is toward cash. WHERE A GUARD IS NEEDED. A good heart needs a guard around it, to keep off the impostors who seek to prey upon generosity. NOT WARRANTED. Mankind is not warranted ; we must take it as we find it. LOPS 'EM OFF. Experience cuts down man's overestimate of him- self and his ability. ENCHANTMENT. Man often ventures his opinions and money where he wouldn't go himself. .. VERTIGO. 1 People who drink liquor are more liable to vertigo than sober-minded citizens. THE INVISIBLE THE MOST POWERFUL. Life, the spirit, is what causes man to move, act and create, yet this great power is invisible to the eye. The power of God, which causes the sun, moon and BARBY COEV'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 55 stars to shine, the elements to produce rain, hail, snow and to bring forth flowers and fruits, is invisible. The time will come when we will know and realize what this great power is and all about it. OUT OF SIGHT. Some people dress and jewelize themselves out of sight, so that the public sees the adornment. The subject itself passes unnoticed. TWO KINDS OF COURAGE. Courage is prompted by spirit. Courage to do wrong is fostered by an evil spirit, while courage to do good is prompted by a Christian spirit, which ad- vises us to do right at all times, though the wrong may be tempting. COMPLAINT OF FOREIGNERS. The general complaint with foreigners in regard to their endeavors to learn pure English, such as is spoken in America, is that our words have so many different meanings. The trouble with these people is that they fail in the beginning to grab the root of the tree of liberty and industry, which teaches ex- pansion or economy, as the case may be, in the usage of things in general to the best advantage. Hence we have done more in the few short years of our independence, with fewer tools to do it with, than any other nation on the face of the earth. For ex- ample, during our war for independence we cut the \$6 barby coey's philosophy. trees, hauled the logs to the water's edge, and built a craft that cleaned out every gunboat the enemy had within forty miles of New England's coast line; and we did all this inside of three months, our motive power and tools being four yoke of oxen, six chop- ping axes, five augers, a couple of old hand-saws, and two claw-hammers, one with but a single claw. How is that for economy and industry ? They could no more do that in any other country than they could fly. So it is with the words in our language — we make one word do for many things. Take the word waiting, for example. You hear of people every day waiting for the wheel of fortune to turn their way (they are still waiting); others waiting for a job promised them if they would pull for the candidate, who got there (but they didn't, and are still waiting) ; others waiting to have their salaries raised, but who got raised out of their boots instead, and are now waiting for other jobs at half figures ; not a few wait- ing for money owing them ; others are waiting to get money they owe, while the sheriff is waiting and watching the uneven game, ready to pounce wher- ever a sign of weakness shows up. A HARD SEAT. The anxious seat is about the most tiresome and the hardest thing to sit on, next to a pointed rock. FACTS VERSUS CHIROGRAPHY. It is a notable fact that all great writers were poor chirographers. Take Euclid, Plato and Horace Gree- BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 1 57 ley for example, they couldn't read their own hand- writing after it got cold. It makes the hair stand on end of a red-headed type-writer to read mine at the closing of this nineteenth century. EXPERTS FOR REVENUE ONLY. Conflicting theories of experts is considered good ground for a pardon for anyone who has been con- victed through such evidence. WHAT FOOLS SOME MEN ARE. Just think of Mike Chilling, with a wife and six children to support, paying seventy-five dollars for a watch chain, and only getting sixty dollars a month salary. Talk about women being extravagant and wasteful, they aren't in it along with some men. DISSOLVING VIEWS. Each day's sunset is a dissolving view of time gone, never to return. HEARTLESS FASCINATION. A dishonest heart often beats beneath a fascinating exterior. GOOD MEDICINE. Some people go through life without ever as much as cracking a smile. They are afflicted with a lack I58 DARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. of comfort toward themselves or anybody else. We all come across many people in trouble, who need only to be comforted by kind words, seasoned with mirth and merriment. The sickly especially need the joyful effects of the bright side of the life they so pathetically endeavor to cling to, often beyond hope. THE LESSON OF HARD TIMES. Hard times, panics and stringency in finance teaches us the importance of frugality, economy and saving when times are good. BRAINS AND INTELLIGENCE. Everybody has a brain, or a place to carry it; but many brain-bags are empty. NO PROPRIETORSHIP. We own nothing in this world. We just have the use of a few things, and only for a short time at that. EQUALITY IN LOVE. It is impossible for any man to be equally in love with two or more girls at the same time. TRANSMIGRATION. Spirits are transmigrant. Criminals are imbued with the spirits of beasts of the forests. Then again BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 59 we find horses, cattle and dogs imbued with the spirit of kind-hearted human beings. THE RIVER OF OUTLETS. The Croton River, in New York State, has more outlets than any other river in the world. EFFECT OF BAD TIMES. I have seen times in my life when I had such long and hard runs of luck that I believe that if the United States of America had been turned into a lottery prize, and I. owned every ticket, I wouldn't draw a shingle off the Capitol in Washington : Go through what I have gone, And feel what I have felt; Bear what I have borne, And smell what I have smelt. HERE—NOT HEREAFTER. Hell is here on earth ; and it is anything that hurts. There is no hell hereafter. IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE TOO MUCH OF ANYTHING. Who would have believed, fifty years ago, that it would be possible to see silver so cheap that it would become an international question whether tin cups should be made out of it, yet such is the case. Silver has l6o BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. become so plentiful that in many instances it doesn't pay to mine it. Nature teaches us that there is a Jimit to all things. Too much riches becomes a bur- den to the possessor, who usually leads an unhappy life and is now-a-days in mortal fear of cranks and a premature death. The happiest people are those without the spirit of the hog, who know when they are well off and are satisfied. Content is worth more than all the gold ever mined, though it is customary and very convenient to have a little dust in your pocket, all the same. A SCARCE ARTICLE. A friend in need is a hard thing to und when wanted. DON'T BE TOO "FLIP." It isn't good policy to be indiscriminately saucy, as there is danger of coming in contact with another fool of similar flippancy. "TIME AND TIDE." Everything has its time and course to pursue, and it is bound to take its own time in doing it, whether it suits us or not. THE GREATER WORKING UPON THE LESS. The secret of success, in many instances, is the greater mind working upon the less. In order to do bARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. l6l this.one must first ascertain just how much he knows, and then find some one who knows less, which is some- times rather difficult. GOOD EFFECTS OF STUDIOUS THOUGHT. The most reverent and liberal-minded are those who have studiously thought their way through the problems of life. COSTLY MONUMENTS. If General Washington or General Giant were to appear on earth and see the costly stone monuments already erected to them, and in course of construc- tion, they would change the plans of the architects, and say, "Do not waste money on piles of stone, which will do no one any good, but, if you wish to ex- press your gratitude for our acts while on earth, erect, instead, colleges and other institutions of learning for your boys and girls, as worthier monuments to our memory." The money necessary to build the Grant monument would erect and endow a Grant College for our children, thousands of whom would be a liv- ing blessing to him, to themselves, and their country, which he so nobly defended and preserved. The Washington monument cost one million one hundred and thirty thousand dollars, and not one person in a hun- dred who looks at that stack of stone ever thinks of Washington or his achievements. But suppose that enormous sum of money, which was spent on this modern pyramid, had been invested as the author l62 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. suggests, how many thousands of noble men and women would have been the glorious result ? Let us build a Grant Monument College. HOLINESS AND RIGHTEOUSNESS. The most holy people are not always the most righteous. NOT WORTH DOING WRONG FOR. All the gold and precious stones in the world aren't worth the misery induced by the sin of stealing. NEEDS CONFIRMATION. Man's conduct needs endorsement by his heart and conscience before it can really be accepted even by himself. WHERE WOMAN IS RIGHT. I don't blame any woman for objecting to live with a drunken brute of a husband. WHERE THE POOR ARE BETTER OFF THAN THE RICH. People who have been poor all their lives don't mind being made a little poorer. But those well-off- at-one-time folks, who, by a sudden turn of fortune's BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 163 wheel, have lost wealth and luxury, and have had to come down to hard pan, suffer indescribable pangs. "DON'T BE A CLAM." A man who can't take a drink without getting drunk is a fool for drinking. OFF DAYS. There are days when everything seems to go wrong. No particular reason for it, but it goes just the same. HARD TO FORGET A CHILD. No matter how disobedient, wayward or ungrateful a child may be, a mother can never efface it from her heart's memory. THE GUN WENT OFF ACCIDENTALLY. While out duck-hunting one day I stumbled over an alligator, and in the scramble for first place with the 'gator, my gun was accidentally discharged, crip- pling a wild goose a hundred yards away. I pick- ed up the poor goose, took it home and doctored it ; finally it got well and became a regular pet around the house, never attempting to leave us; until one day last Spring, while a flock of wild geese came fly- ing north, our pet gave a squawk, flapped her wings, and joined her comrades, We thought no more 164 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. about it after a time than that our pet was gone for good. But what was our surprise, a few months later, when one day we heard the cackling of a flock of wild geese overhead, and looking up, saw them cir- cling round and round, coming nearer and nearer, till at last there lit in the yard, in front of the house, seven of the prettiest wild geese you ever laid eyes on. One came running into the house, and proved to be our pet goose, which had returned with a flock of young ones she had hatched out, raised, and brought to us as a token of appreciation for our kindness to her when she was wounded. They all took a rest in the yard after their long and tiresome journey, and en- joyed a good meal of corn and water, and from that time on they became full-fledged members of our poultry family. WHERE IGNORANCE IS PREFERABLE. Shrewdness, tainted with dishonesty, is more de- plorable than rank ignorance. TALENT AND PURPOSE. Whatever your talent is, fit it to the purpose, and your success is assured. CONQUEST OF MEXICO. The conquest of Mexico, by Cortez, was none other than a cruel, inhuman, outrageous and bloodthirsty EARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 16$ massacre of an innocent and inoffensive people — the Aztecs. The stories of human sacrifice among these people were exaggerated by Cortez, as an excuse to torture and butcher thousands of human beings, the main purpose being robbery. During the Inquisition in Spain, from whence Cortez came, he learned his lesson. "TO LET." The three principal auxiliaries to mankind are woman, music and money. Abolish these and the world will be a castle in the air, plastered all over with bills reading, " To Let." A storm indicates that calmness is just behind. ON-LOOKERS' WISDOM. Spectators are often more wise, in their own esti- mation, about what is going on than those engaged in the performance. WILD RUMORS. There are always plenty of water-logged people ready to believe the wildest rumors until they are run down and disproved. THE SALVATION ARMY. " The aim and purpose of the Salvation Army is good. It introduces the light of Christianity to a l66 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. modern dark-age element, which otherwise would never hear the name of the Saviour mentioned or ever know that such a being had existed. SUGAR NEWS. Sugar news isn't always sweet news. Sam Tom- linson bet fifteen hundred dollars, the other day, on sugar-ticker roulette, and now he's just so much out. No wonder he feels sour. WHaT is progress? Progress is a leading chain of thought, taken up and carried forward in succession by man, as he appears and disappears from the face of the earth. A POCKET ROOF. A good financial roof over one's head is an insur- ance policy that can be carried in the pocket. DON'T YOU FORGET IT I The most humble human being in this world can become one among the most distinguished guests in Heaven. THE AFTER-EFFECTS OF SIN. The after-effects of man's sins leave him feeling miserable, mean and unclean, till he has bathed in a strong solution of reformation and resolution never BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 167 to do wrong again. Then is when he feels refreshed, healthy and pure in mind and heart, and a genial companion to himself. WHEN TO REGRET. The time to regret doing a thing is before you do it. LIFE NOT A BURDEN. No man's life is a burden. It is the wrong impres- sions of life and its future that cause worry. PECULIARLY CONSTITUTED. Some people are so constituted as to be able to re- ceive any number of favors from others; but they never return any. MRS. COLUMBUS. While we are devoting so much to the memory of Christopher Columbus, why not be liberal and divide up the honors with Mrs. Columbus, the mother of the great discoverer ? If anything she was more deserv- ing of gratitude than her son, for the reason that she discovered Columbus, while he discovered America and America discovered us, and we discovered a way by which we have produced the greatest nation the stars ever shone upon. We are drifting into a bad habit of partiality in honoring the memory of great men, ex- clusive of great and noble women, who, in reality, are l68 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. the founders of all great men. Why is it that every- where we see monuments erected to the memory of men, but rarely see one to the memory of women? The. only reason I can give is that man is so easily for- gotten that it is necessary to build a reminder for him, while woman is a noble monument within herself, and needs no reminder ; though she may pass away, she still lives in our memory, because she is our mother. A FARMER'S EXPECTATIONS. A farmer took a load of turnips to town to sell, and on his way back he met another farmer, who asked him how he made out with his turnips. He said he didn't do as well as he expected, and thought he wouldn't when he started out. LIKE AN INFANT. Business is like an infant, and needs careful nursing. The only difference is that the child, if it lives, will grow old enough to take care of itself, while busi- ness never can take care of itself. It requires nursing and careful attention every day of its existence, otherwise it will fade away and die. ALWAYS SOMETHING TO BE THANK- FUL FOR. We should be thankful that our condition in life, whatever it is, is no worse. I have seen the time when I was glad to get a penny banana, and was more BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. . 169 than thankful the price wasn't two cents, in which case I would have had to go without the filling fruit. CRUELTY TO NAILS. Whenever any crookedness or wrong-doing is ex- posed, the exposer is usually credited with having hit the nail on the head. Just why an innocent and useful article like a nail should be dragged into every scandal is more than I can tell. Maybe some of those lawyers who conduct cross-examinations can. MERMAIDS AND SEA COWS. In olden times the mermaids used to milk the sea- cows and supply the ancient mariners with fresh milk. TURN EVERYTHING TO GOOD ACCOUNT. Turn accidents and mishaps to good account. If a thing has gone wrong, to go wrong yourself won't help the cause. Two wrongs don't make one right. If a train is behind time, getting mad and worked up over it won't help it to arrive any sooner. THEY MEANT ALL RIGHT. It is no uncommon thing to hear of a person being thrown into prison for taking money which he meant to pay back. What an awful thing to do, in the face of sure ruin of character. Detectives are to-day i?6 a BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. shadowing evil-doers, who vainly imagine no one knows of the crimes they have tried to cover up by forgery and false entries, thus committing crime to hide crime. THE DEVIL'S GENEROSITY. Those who like to borrow trouble get it in large doses from the Devil, who is ever ready to contribute to the suffering of mankind. OBJECTIVE CHARITY Is where anything is given or something is done in the name of charity, the donor or doer of which ex- pects to make double the amount in return. A VALUABLE EQUIPMENT. A young man's capital on starting in life is.his sobri- ety, honesty, good reputation and energy. These accomplishments are easy to acquire, and no person need be without them, as they are to be had for the asking. DO YOU WANT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE AGAIN? Judging from the rapid strides that science has made in the past fifty years, it is only a question of time when it will be possible to extract the life of a human being, and preserve it, while the body is made over anew, as it was in its teens, and then re- BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. i?I store it to life again. This will be cheerful news to those who would like to live their lives over again. THE JEWEL TIME OF LIFE. Our childhood days are the jewel times of life. THE JUNK TIME OF LIFE. This horrible time of life is when we become old and penniless, a piece of living junk, which nobody- cares anything for. Moral. — Take care of the future, by saving up the pennies while you are young. STAY ABILITY. The bibber's craving for drink generally stays with him, while his money, health and character leave him. THE KING IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE KING! The end of one thing is an important period in the history of the beginning of another. A PEACEFUL SOLUTION OF THE FISH- ERY DISPUTE. It seems to me that a good way to settle the fish- ery dispute would be to annex to this powerful and prosperous Republic the Maritime Provinces of Can- t?2 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. ada, and Canada, too, along with the Badger. Why not ? Their natural business associations are with us. their markets are here, they want our products, and we belong to each other. Annexation is the natural and the shortest way to settle the question. NEVER BE TOO CERTAIN. The things we are most certain of in this world are usually the ones we never get — death and taxes excepted. TEMPERANCE BARKEEPERS. There are barkeepers who mix and sell liquor, but who never drink it. If their customers would profit by their example, the liquor evil would become a thing of the past. THE ALL-SEEING EYE. God is an eye-witness to all our acts, thoughts and words, at all times, day or night. It is impossible to keep a secret from Him. A "CHIN" WITH A USEFUL BIRD. The author had a talk the other day with the tail- or's goose. She is the oldest living bird to-day in America, or in the world, for that matter, but she looks as young as she did a hundred years ago, when she used to set on George Washington's knee pants and hatch out the wrinkles. She says that in those BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 73 days a dollar went much further than it does to-day. A dollar doesn't go so far to-day, but it stays long- er, and often forgets to come back. She has mis- laid thousands of dollars' worth of eggs, on which dudes, representative rich people and other geese have been sitting for years, and never hatched out a dollar for the layer of the eggs. They are the most promising men of our great cities and towns — always promising to pay, but never get to it. The old bird is regular in her habits, and seemingly peculiar in some of them — one is that she never goes to setting, except when she is hot over a seam or wrinkle, and these she sets on hard, until she hatches out smooth- ness, that being the principal vocation of her incuba- ting nature. When not on duty she cools off to one side, where she sets and waits to be called to arms, and then she gets hot again and makes war on rough places till they surrender smoothly. She is the most valuable and most imposed on bird in metallic orni- thology. She suits all who come along and pants for the money many times before she gets it. Her ex- planation for making four dollar pants count seven, is that she has to make up for the bad eggs she has mis- laid. She is the niece of the goose that laid the golden eggs, and wants to see her aunt, to put her on track of some of these metallic ovoids, which show signs of incu- batability, if set upon by some new process of collec- tion. WHITE AND BLACK SHEEP. Some people say that white sheep eat more than black ones. The reason is that tUere is more of 174 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. them. It is not so with the black sheep of a family. He can get away with more stuff and cause more trouble than all the rest put together. HOW BILLS RUN UP. Skyrockets linger along behind accounts, when they start to run up. It is better to go ten degrees below the freezing point of our cravings than run up a book account. OH I WHAT HAPPY TIMES ! Money should be so plentiful that everybody would want anything else in preference to it, and look upon it as a favor if anyone would borrow it of them. KINGS AT A DISCOUNT. Only a few years ago it was a great thing to see or hear of a railroad king or a Wall Street king, but now-a-days we hear of Napoleons of finance. WHITEWASHING. Anybody who undertakes to whitewash this world has got a big job on hand, which they can never fin- ish, for the reason that it is contrary to the laws of nature, which must necessarily carry with it a per- centage of evil, or else there would be no nature. A certain amount of evil of one kind or another is BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 17$ necessary, to a limited extent, which should be guarded and kept within ordinary bounds, for it is only natural that they should exist. AN ELECTRIC LINGUIST. A fellow has brought to my notice a new inven- tion, or process, by which he can dissolve the rudi- ments of a language into an electric fluid, three shocks of which will make any one a linguist, speak- ing any foreign language like a native, Science still pursues us. CARTED AWAY. " Mamma, how long befo' de watah millions am ripe ?' " Not afo' June, my child." '• Den I the first one will surely swipe." "Go 'way, you'se talkin' wild." He made his word good. As he said he would, " For that nigger warn't born to live alway," And he asked not to stay, But ate a green melon, and was carted away. EVERYTHING THE RESULT OF SOME- THING. Everything that exists, or happens, is a result of something. Man's acts, words, thoughts and feelings are results of some one thing or another. This world 176 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. and all herein was a result of something, to begin with, and results begetting results has been the re- sult ever since, and always will be. Man's conduct is the result of himself, the responsibility of which he often tries to shift upon the shoulders of some other result. It is a wise person who jean tell before- hand what the result of anything will be. LO. The term Lo, as applied to the Indian, has its ori- gin in the fact that when the white man appeared on the scene the Indian was laid low. COMMERCIAL MORALITY. In all new countries the standard of commercial morality is not as high as it might be. It is a kind of go-as-you-please, with chances of success and failure upon equal terms with one another, with the benefit of the doubt in favor of the latter. WHAT IT COSTS TO RAISE A CHILD. Doubtless it will be interesting to know what it costs to raise one of us, in comparison to other ani- mals and birds. The cost of raising a. child from the time it is born till it is twenty-one years old, includ- ing all cares, worries, trials, doctor's bills, fad bills, and other expenses, is equal to the raising and mar- keting of 2,983 hogs, 1,500 head of cattle, 1,000 head of horses, 900 head of mules, 750 sheep, 625 goats, 250 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 177 dogs, 1,000 chickens, 800 ducks, 600 turkeys, 450 pea- cocks, and 9 pet bears, including two keepers. AS SURE AS FIRE BURNS. When a person does wrong he is as sure to re- ceive punishment for it in the form of hell here on earth, as he is to be burned if he sticks his hand in the fire. INTRICATE ART. The most intricate art consists in knowing how to get along with mankind peaceably and successfully. Only a student of nature can attempt it with any promise of success. Our Saviour couldn't do it, and lost his life in the attempt. HOW ABILITY IS DEVELOPED. Man's ability and worth is developed through ex- perience of hardships and sorrows. Man never knows what he is worth or good for until he is tried and fin- ished. OLD AND NEW. What seems old to one is new to another. The grand-parent is new to the grand-child. Ancient his- tory is new to those who never read it. Man is not necessarily very ignorant because he doesn't happen to know French or Latin. The biggest fool in our town was a man who had gone through two colleges, 178 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. spoke seven languages and knew it all. He knew too much for his own good, and couldn't earn a decent living. KEEP COOL. Heated arguments should be avoided at all times, for they are a curse to humanity. Dissension, as- saults, bloodshed, imprisonment and execution are among the evil results of heated arguments. CRITICAL TRAITS OF NON-PRODUCERS. There are people who never had an original idea, but who yet assume to criticise the originality and industry of others. EXIT POLITICIAN. If political talk was limited to eloquence and truth, the politician would become extinct. PLEASED V\ HEN DOING WRONG. There are people who are never satisfied except when they are doing wrong — not even when they get elected to state prison or execution. Some people you can never please.no matter how much you do for them. CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE. Man's words and acts are circumstantial evidence of how he will turn out in the end, You can't tell what BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 179 may happen. Good men go wrong and bad ones re- form. Mankind is a queer mixture of everything that's good and bad, and the more we stir up the question, the less we know about it. WHAT THEY HEARD. People hear a great many things about others that ain't so and more about themselves than they ever knew. VALUE OF A GOOD STROKE. One effective stroke is worth more than a whole years' pottering. WHERE REVERSES ARE GOOD. If a poor man meets with reverses, loses his poverty, and becomes wealthy, it doesn't go very hard with him. FAIR PLAY. How inconsistent it is for temperance advocates to harp continually against strong drink, and make wild statements that it is carrying off thousands of people annually, when they fail to state the case fairly, by sup- pressing the fact that thousands of people are daily carrying off barrels of liquor. These people make war upon liquor and destroy it, and the liquor in turn makes war upon them, and they are likewise l8o BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. destroyed. The history of war is that both sides must necessarily lose some soldiers, and the battle with tanglefoot is no exception to the rule. MOVING IS HEALTHY. It is necessary to health and prosperity that we keep on the move, so as to avoid stagnation. LONGEVITY OF ANIMALS. The lower order of animals live longer in propor- tion, than man, for the reason that they live naturally, eat and drink proper food, and never take anything into their stomachs unnecessarily. THE BEST THING TO DO. The proper thing to do under all circumstances is the best thing. FLASH AND DISAPPEAR. Dashing men and women are sensations in human form, of short duration, and they fade away as sud- denly as they apppear. DOMESTIC FISH. During the Toltec Indian period, in Mexico, from the seventh to the twelfth centuries, these industri- ous people understood the art of taming and training certain species of fish, and employing them to chase BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. l8l other fish and sea monsters, like the shark and mani- tee, and run them down, as we train the dog to chase wild animals. This art alone, of which Oviedo, Gom- ara, and other authors make mention, is sufficient to refute the charge of lack of industry among those an- cient and honorable people. NEVER TALK OF KILLING TIME. Time was not made to be killed. Make the most of time you can, in the most useful and sensible man- ner. NEVER BANK ON ANTICIPATION, The person who borrows money or does business on anticipation generally comes out at the condensed end of the horn. UNCERTAINTY IS PAINFUL. Uncertainty is more or less painful, under any cir- cumstance. If people owe you money there is a painful uncertainty about whether you ever get it, and if you are hard up, in trouble, and need money, there is a painful uncertainty about whether anybody will lend you a cent. Life is an uncertainty. SOWING AND PLANTING. What more glorious occupation than that of sowing and harvesting ? The harvest depends upon the kind of seed sown, the plant set out, and the care in 1 82 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. cultivation. So it is in our lives— if we plant good principles in our hearts, and cultivate them the har- vest will be good. But if we cultivate evil, the har- vest will be suffering and unhappiness. WE OWE OURSELVES TO WOMAN. No matter who or what we are in this world, we are indebted to woman for having started us out in life. The richest and smartest of us must acknow- ledge this truth, though lots of people, of a selfish spirit, act as though they started themselves and had nobody else to thank for it. Woman is the train dis- patcher of humanity. REQUIRES STRENGTH. It requires a strong person to realize his own weak points. He usually has to rely on others for this in- formation. NEVER APPRECIATED UNTIL AFTER DEATH. It is a sad commentary upon civilization when we consider the fact that the great works of most cele- brated artists and painters are never fully appreciat- ed until they have been called away. While they liv- ed, they toiled patiently and industriously, and the fruits of their labor brought only paltry sums, but soon after their death, their works enhanced in value, and in some instances a thousand-fold, and are quick- ly bought up by millionaires, who pay fabulous prices BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 83 for works of art which only a short time before were scarcely mentioned. Hogarth's "Rake's Progress" sold for less than fifty dollars while he was living, but to-day a single painting of his would bring a for- tune. Raphael, sometimes called the prince of paint- ers, the genius of whose work attracted the attention of few people in a financial way until after his death, is a prominent case in point. No less than eight hundred of his designs have since been engraved, and many of his pictures have since been sold for the price of a rich man's estate. With painters, as with holders of life insurance policies, they have to die to win. PROPER INTENT. Marriage is for mutual benefit, and it should be a prize contest between man and wife as to who can outdo the other in promoting mutual welfare. TO RESTORE CONFIDENCE. When a fellow does a mean thing it is hard for hi: conscience to restore its faith in him. PROFIT BY THIS. The subject of this sketch was at one time posses- sor of a good business and was fast making money, wliich he squandered on the races, until finally he lost his business, and was out in the street without a dollar in his pocket, but with many judgments 184 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. against him. His wife, who used to wear silks and dia- monds, and ride in an open carriage, now, poor crea- ture, has to make over last year's frock and ride in the street car when walking isn't good and she's got the price. LOOKING WISE. The stock of some people's wisdom consists in look- ing wise. Further than that they don't know much. INEVITABLE PENALTIES. Nature provides penalties for violation of her laws, which no human being can avoid. MULES AND BEAVERS. While some people are kicking like mules, others are working like beavers and keeping up with the procession. WISDOM OF THE WOODPECKER The woodpecker is a provident bird. He pecks safe deposit vaults, in the form of holes in the trunks of trees four stories high, in the fall of the year, and gathers nuts and acorns, and deposits them in the vault, where, during the Winter months, insects, such as ants, are attracted by the provender. Thus the woodpecker feasts daily upon those insects, while he is housed in his vault, protected from the cold, and BARBY COEY's PHILOSOPHY. 1 8$ all around him may be seen improvident birds suffer- ing from hunger and storm. Moral. — Be industrious, and lay up something for the Winter months and stormy days. SQUARED HIS LOSSES. James Johnson was a country shoemaker. One cold Winter's day Jim drove to town in a one-horse cart, and after transacting whatever business he had in hand, started late at night to drive home, in his usual condition, blind drunk. As a consequence he got stuck in the mud, with his horse and cart, three miles from town. Some of his neighbors happened along later, and unhitched the poor horse, which fol- lowed them home, leaving the shoemaker asleep in the cart, he having tanglefoot enough aboard to keep him warm the rest of the night. In the morning, when he woke up, he seemed dazed on finding him- self all alone and began looking around and repeat- ing to himself, ' ' Is this James Johnson — is this James Johnson ? If it is, he's lost a horse, and if it ain't, he's found a cart !" IT HAD EYES. t An old maid in our town was being courted by an old bachelor farmer, who, actuated by the thought to please her, one day sent her a present of an extra-large potato. She was absent when the tuber arrived, but the servant received it and placed it on the dressing case of the lady in her private apartments. Upon her return she became indignant at the sight of the 1 86 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. potato, because it had eyes, and ordered the servant to take the thing away and roast it. The old farmer heard of it, and wanted to do something to appease her wrath, so he made a quill pen and sent it to her with his compliments on a card, with these words : ' • A pinion taken from one goose to spread the opin- ions of another." It had the opposite effect, for she took it as an insult, flew into a rage and broke out all over in spots, so they had to send for the doctor. The peculiarity of old maids is that they prefer to flock by themselves, and if the rest of mankind were to believe as they do, humanity would soon be ex- tinct, and where now stand cities, towns and churches would dwell in harmony the wild fox and the weasel, while the bear and the panther would roam and howl, and make night hi.deous, and the song of the whip- poorwill, harmonizing with the doleful flute of the screech-owl, would mark a world lost to civilization. CLOSE. Because a person is close in business it doesn't necessarily follow that he is stingy. They have to be careful, in order to keep above drowning water. ARE THERE TOO MANY OF US? Taking into consideration the labor strikes and the thousands of unemployed, not only in the United States, but all over the world, showing a surplus of hundreds of thousands of people over and above what is necessary to carry on the business of the world, suggests the possibility of there being too many of us BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 87 at once. In other words, the world has got more guests than it has accommodations for, and the result is that thousands are daily turned away, who, by force of circumstances, are compelled to live off others or starve. ACQUAI NTANCE. Use the word acquaintance in speaking of those whom you know, instead of friend, for, of all the peo- ple one knows, only one per cent, are friends, the balance acquaintances only. THE MOST HONEST. The most honest people are those who are too ignorant to know how to do wrong. TATTLE-TALE NEIGHBORHOODS. There are such places as tattle-tale neighborhoods, where everybody is trying to find out the other's affairs, and go away and blab about it. Such places are unfit for tin cans and goats to live in. THE FUTURE OF AFRICA. Africa is to-day the coming great country. Her natural resources, when developed, will equal that of the American Continent. The same conditions and process of civilization will have to be gone through with that attended the settlement of America by 1 88 BARBY COEY*S PHILOSOPHY. white people — namely — war, bloodshed, crime, de- vastation, untold suffering and extermination of the black man, allee samee the red son of the forest of America. Native uprisings ancf African wars are only a parallels of our Indian uprisings and wars. Rivers of human blood will eventually flow in Africa, and thousands of poor, unfortunate, ignorant and in- nocent creatures will be shot down like beasts of the forest. Such is the evil side of the forward march of civilization. Our civilizers are but refined savages, and when the savage spirit takes hold of them they are, if anything, worse than their originals. MISCONSTRUCTION. Some people make a practice of misconstruing what is said or done, and turn virtue into evil and immorality. FEELS CHEAP. A person with wealth wrongfully gotten feels cheap every time his conscience pricks him about it. MEND. The word "mend " is one of the finest in the diction- ary. It means reformation, to mend one's ways, to mend one's clothes, to be economical and saving, to repair everything about the house, instead of letting things go to ruin and waste, which means to have to part with money for the purchase of new articles which may not be any better than the old ones, if BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 89 mended up. Don't be envious of your thrifty neigh- bors because they've got more money than you, for the chances are they've been mending and practicing economy and saving. There's no word like mend, small though it be. GO SLOW. Don't be in too big a hurry to make a fortune. Go by degrees, as the calf did who swallowed the anvil. GOOD TIMES COMING. It is encouraging to hear of good times, no matter how hard they are. EVERYBODY MAY BE SUCCESSFUL. There is no reason why everybody should not be successful in whatever line they are good for. THEIR BRAIN KEPT IN IGNORANCE. Some people's eyes and mouths are in conspiracy against their intelligence. They see and talk about a thing without knowing anything about it. NEWSPAPERS AND CHARITY. What would become of the hungry, sick and suffer- ing people in the great cities if it was not for the news- payers, which create charity funds and supply money, 190 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. food, clothing, medicine and fuel free to the unfortun- ate. The public press is the public's friend in need. HOW THE WORLD IS RUN. God furnishes the material and man does the work. The devil also does odd job work at attactively low figures to start in with, but high-priced in the finish. THE WISDOM OF "THE WISEST." Solomon may have been wise in some respects, but I fail to note his wisdom in having so many wives. A GOOD MEDICINE. One of the best health elixirs is exercise. Many persons imagine themselves sick, when, in reality, they are suffering from the effects of laziness and the need of fresh air. FROM WHOM WE CAN LEARN. From the most humble we can learn to have sym- pathy, but the only thing we can learn from people who put on fashionable airs is that they are fools, for want of sense. MAN NOT SMART IN ALL THINGS. A business man may be sharp and shrewd in some particular line or calling, and then make mistakes and errors of judgment in odd investments. The BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 191 smartest will develop as fools some time or other, in some way, shape or form. No man is smart in all things. WHAT COSTLY TOMBS INDICATE. Costly tombs are a greater indication of the vanity of the living than the virtues of the dead. FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH. The fountain of youth is death, when life blooms forth anew. NO HUSTLE, NO GET. The man who says the world owes him a living doesn't know what he's talking about. The world owes nobody anything, it is free of debt, with a large surplus for man to hustle for. MAN'S TRUCK PATCH. The brain is where the seed of thought germinates, blooms and brings forth good or evil, as the case may be. OPPORTUNITIES NEED NO IMPROVE- MENT. Highly educated people sometimes get the King's English mixed. For instance, a noted astronomer, the other day, in referring to the solar eclipse, said : "Astronomers were never better prepared to improve 192 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. the opportunity." The fact of the matter is that op- portunities give men a chance to improve themselves. The fellow who goes around looking for opportunities for repair will go broke. LACK OF REALIZATION. One reason why man does so many low-down things is because he doesn't realize how mean he is to himself. No man can wrong another without de- stroying his principles of manhood. WHAT BECOMES OF A MEAN MAN'S MONEY. The wealth of the cold-hearted and hard-fisted usu- ally goes to the dogs after their death, and helps run their descendants to the devil. LOCALITY AND BUSINESS. A man may be successful in business in one place, but it doesn't follow that he will be successful in an- other. The manners and habit, of every locality are usually very different, and what goes like fire in one place will be frozen out in another. PROMOTION. Promotion depends on what a person knows and can do, not on how long he has worked. Some peo. BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY 193 pie are misled by the idea that if they remain in one place so long a time they will be promoted, whether they know anything or not. LOGIC AND BREAD. There are plenty of people ready to offer others logic, but few who offer bread. WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU. What people say of you behind your back isn't al- ways their real opinion of you, though it be good, bad or indifferent. THE FUTURE CRIMINAL LAW. The time will come when all professional criminals will be mercifully put to death as fast as they develop. SATISFACTION. Satisfaction is like money — some people have it in chunks while others get cross-eyed looking it up. The fellow who is looking for it in the line of fight generally gets accommodated to his entire satisfaction. ANTEDILUVIAN FADS. Cyrus, the founder of the Persian Empire, 529 B. C, had a fadulous streak running through his make up. One of his fads was to have the floors of his palace 194 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. laid with tiles, bearing the imprint of beasts, birds, snakes and insects. The mode of manufacture was unique, as follows : While the tiles were soft, they were spread on a level space, and the lions, tigers, etc., made to pass over them, leaving the imprint of their feet. Those over which the snakes crawled, leaving their tracks, were called reptiles. CREDIT. Those who deserve the most credit in this world get the least. IMPOSSIBLE TO EARN. It is impossible for any person in a lifetime, to earn a million dollars by physical labor. HE GETS THERE. Man reaches his destiny through a maze of changes and disappointments. 'THUSE. Only four per cent, of enthusiasm pans out good for anything. The rest is just 'thuse — that's all. PARDONABLE MISTAKES. Pardonable mistakes are those made without any intention of doing wrong, as a little child may go astray without knowing it. We are always children BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 195 in this world, in the sense that we are liable to make mistakes. No being is absolutely mistake-proof, con- sequently we should keep on hand at all times a stock of forgiving spirit for one another. THE POWER OF PELF. Money will bring a mule into notoriety and cause it to be idolized and worshiped. Money has develop- ed more fools than lack of schooling. Luxuries are often followed by sickness and re- grets. HAYSEED. When a hayseed strikes a city, the bunco steerers sing out, "There's a new mule in town," and proceed to curry the mule. JAWBONE STATESMANSHIP. Physical legislation may be denned as an attempt by Congressmen and Senators to wear one another out through of the same kind of weapon that Samson slew the Philistines with. And this is modern states- manship. NOTED PERSONS. Speaking of noted persons elsewhere, I omitted to mention Cleopatra, the last of the family of Ptolemy Lagus. She was aide-de-camp to Caesar and Mark 196 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. Anthony, and when Mark died she got snake-bit soon after, and died, too, and now they say the snake is dead. The fellow who told me said he lost nine hun- dred dollars in trying to start a newspaper out in Keo- kuk. There were three old maids and a mother-in- law in town, and whenever he got a bit of news they would in some way get hold of it and spread it all over the place before he could get his paper out. Then he couldn't sell a copy, and the result was he lost everything, and had to sell his printing press for old junk,.to raise money enough to get back home. But he isn't altogether discouraged, and has begun life over again, in trying to introduce soft-finish tele- phones in deaf and dumb asylums. OH, WHAT A DIFFERENCE. When the head of a poor family is called away, his remains are followed to the grave by mourners heart- felt in their sincerity. When a rich man dies, it is harvest time with his heirs, who rush for his will to see what Santa Claus Death has brought them. WHAT TIME IS DOING. Time is bringing about a change in the condition of mankind for the better. The time has come in the march of civilization when the superfluous and im- practicable must give way to the practical and useful. Both man and woman are being judged to-day by their personal ability and usefulness as husbands and wives. The time has passed when young men and women fall hopelessly in love with faces only. They fcARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 107 now select their partners for life on the basis of good character, steady habits and cammon sense. The husband is expected to be fully equipped to earn a living for his wife and family and the wife must as- sume the responsibilities of her position and take economic charge of domestic affairs. SIR ABSOLUTE. Arbitrary cusses are imbued with the spirit of the mule, and kick at their own shadows when there is no- body else around to fight with. Arbitrary people should never get married. WIDESPREAD EFFECT OF PANICS. Financial panics affect both employer and employee, inasmuch as the man in business is forced by strin- gency in the money market to failure, loss of business and capital, and the wage-earner loses his bread- earning place, and is out in the world, poor and hun- gry. The seat of these troubles should be discovered if possible, and destroyed. THE TEXT. Susan and Sam were two good, old-time people, of a pleasant and happy disposition, who went regularly to church every Sunday. Sam had one failing, he would go to sleep in church, in spite of all of Susan's coaxing to keep him awake. It happened one Sunday that Susan couldn't attend divine service, so Sam went. I98 BABBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. with the children, and she asked him to please keep awake, remember the text and pay attention to the sermon. Sam promised, of course, but when he and the children arrived at the church they hadn't more than got fixed in their seats when he was off for dreamy land, as usual. The text was : « ' There was an angel came down from Heaven and took a live coal from the altar." When they got home Susan asked her spouse if he remembered the text. Oh, yes ; of course he knew all about it, and this is what he quoted : « ■ There was a wild Indian came down from New Haven and snatched a live colt out by the halt- er." That settled it. After that when Susan want- ed the text she went after it herself. WHAT OUR KIDS ARE. Children are coupons attached to the bonds of matrimony. GETTING MAD. As a rule, people do themselves more harm by effer- vescing, boiling over, and emitting elastic gas than they do to anybody else. Once a month is often enough to get mad — then boil over about something that's worth the upsetting of the nerves. TAKE THINGS AS THEY COME. Impatience is the cut worm of contentment. Take things as they come and deal with them accordingly. Never discount the future by trying to leap over into BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 1 99 the middle of next week. Take special care of the present and you are prepared for the future, which is sure to pass your way, and is passing now at the rate of twenty-four hours per day and night, without a single stop-over. How does your financial and con- duct account stand ? These two accounts embody all there is in the present and the future. LOOK OUT FOR SCHEMERS. Schemes with visionary fortunes awaiting investors have cold-decked more people out of money than draw poker. A dollar in your pocket is worth more than a million in your mind. The days of wild-cat skinism are over. DON'T PROTEST TOO MUCH. The trouble with explanations is that they some- times fail to explain. They are like a gun in the hands of a poor marksman. It goes off, but doesn't hit anything. TELL THE TRUTH— TO YOUR LAWYER, { AT LEAST. The way to employ a lawyer is to come right out and state your case truthfully. If it's for sheep-steal- ing, and you are guilty, why, say so, but don't try to pull the wool over his eyes, by denying it, for in fool- ing your lawyer you fool yourself into getting con- victed. The same thing in sending for a doctor. 200 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. Tell Doc. the truth— just what's the matter with you. People who make the mistake of stating a wrong case, and get cured of something they never had, must pay the doctor's bill all the same, while all the time their real disease is getting the better of them. I heard of a case once where the doctor had been treating a patient six months for tuberculosis — up to the very hour the patient died with the jimjams. CONSCIENCE-FEVER. Should conscience-fever become epidemic, some wealthy people would be looking for work. The dis- ease would have to be in malignant form to have any effect on the monopolists. NO PLACE LIKE HOME. "When you have travelled the world over, and eaten, drank, seen and partaken of the best the old world affords, you will return home and say, ' ' Ameri- ca is good enough for me. " HE PLAYED POKER. Bob Martin, a rustic, was cold-soaked out of $400 in a poker game the first time he came to New York. He had never played poker before ; in fact, had never heard of the game until he came to the city, when a new acquaintance introduced him to a little party of social gamesters. The mysteries of full hands and bob-tail flushes were explained to Bob and he took a BARBY COEV'S PHILOSOPHY. 26t hand. The cards ran lucky for him along at first, but after a while, when he held a full hand, another of the party would call him down with fours, and so on. Whenever Bob drew a hand to bet on, some- body else would hold one better, and Bob's stack of chips grew beautifully less, until he went broke, and had to borrow enough cash to pay his fare back to Squedunk. ORIGIN OF THE FOUR HUNDRED. When Manhattan Island was first discovered, it was infested with raccoons. The first settlers organized a Vigilance Coon Committee, and the first night's coon hunt resulted in the capture of four hundred ringtails. Hence the origin of the four hundred. Has history repeated itself ? It may be that the spirits of the coons have returned and taken refuge in elite society. A TALE OF TAILS. De coon, his tail am ringed, De possim's tail am bare, De rabbit has no tail at all, But a little bunch of hair. Dat rabbit skipp'd, dat rabbit hopp'd Dat rabbit bit my turnip top. Big-eyed rabbit hoo ! Let's skip, O, 'Lizer Jane ! CHALCHEKAMULA. This word is of Aztec-Spanish origin, and means the jaw-bone of a mule. When the estate of Montezuma was being settled up by Cortez, one of his deputy 2o2 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. sheriffs was called in to levy upon the undivided half of an old gray mule, and not being particular about which end he took, it was just six weeks before he could open his eyes and recognize his wife. He did- n't know it was loaded. THE MODERN COLLEGIAN. It costs more now to keep a college student in cig- arettes and pocket money than it did to educate George Washington and all the signers of the Declaration of Independence. WITH EXCUSES TO THE HOG. The difference between a dude and a hog is that some day the hog will be cured. FAST, BUT HARMLESS. The fastest living I ever put in was eating a sev- enty-five cent dinner aboard a dining car going a mile a minute. DON'T FLY TOO HIGH. Man's aspirations should never lead him beyond the welfare of his fellow man, himself included. HOW TO PREPARE GREEN COFFEE. Green coffee should first be washed in three waters, thoroughly looked through, cleansed, and dried be- BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 203 fore being browned or roasted, for the reason that, in gathering and preparing the bean by the natives, more or less dirt and uncleanliness attends its hand- ling by these strangers to godliness. The author has lived in coffee countries and observed the coif ee from tree to table. Neither does the shipping and hand- ling abord of vessels improve it, THE LION SUPERSEDED. Man is the king of beasts. A FLIMSY SUBSTITUTE. Fine dress is no indication of intelligence — it is more often used as a substitute to supply the deficien- cy in education. BALM. A pound of reconciliation is worth more than a ton of dissension. UPSET IN HIS WAYS. A boy, between the ages of ten and twenty, is like a grasshopper, upset in his ways, and doesn't know what he wants nor what to do with it if he had it. NEVER UNIVERSALLY GOOD. No new country is ever universally good for every- one who goes to it. One cause of failure with some 2d4 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. people is that they never get along anywhere and are as well off one place as another. HOW TO TAKE A VACATION. The way to take a vacation is to go away out of reach of letters, telegrams, and newspapers — other- wise your vacation won't be a vacation, and will do you little good. THINK WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN. Man's parentage or birthplace are neither to his credit or discredit, for he had no say in the matter, one way or the other. He is only the result. WOULDN'T KNOW SOLOMON. If King Solomon were to appear on earth to-mor- row, he couldn't get credit for a suit of clothes, because nobody would know him except by hearsay. Moral. Be industrious and earn dollars. Everybody knows them personally. IT'S HARD, BUT IT'S TRUE. No matter how honest and well-meaning we may be, there is always someone ready to misunderstand and find fault. KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN. Man's indifference invites ignorance. His indiffer- ence as to what is going on about him leaves him a BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 205 serf, a slave and a heathen. Man should never be in- different to what is passing ; he should keep along in the procession of Father Time, who reveals all things for our instruction, experience and benefit. A BAD INDICATION. The use of vulgar language is an indication of low breeding and worse bringing up. THE LIGHT OF SOCIETY. Society people consider themselves so bright that they don't need any light in the parlor to do their courting by. SOURCE OF MUCH BAD FEELING. Many people get up in the morning, feeling bad from the effects of too much bug-juice the night be- fore. THE GOLD CURE. The best way to take the gold cure is in the shape of dollars in thy pocket. A BEELZECOOTHY. This term is of ancient Hellenic origin, and means one who thinks that, because he is in a bar-room, he is privileged to use vulgar language and act with im- pure cussedness. God gave man no right to act 206 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. other than a man at all times, under all circumstances ; no man has any more right to act the brute than he has to rob or murder. We are in this world to be good to ourselves and to one another. Few people, when abroad, act homelike. A LOBO WOLF. A person who makes a practice of talking bad about others is a lobo wolf in sheep's skin. He is false to himself, wrong to others, and true only to his lord and master, the devil. BURIAL AT SEA. There is a degree of solemnity connected with a burial at sea which has no corresponding feature in a funeral ceremony on shore. The element upon which one floats, the narrow limits of the ship, from which there is no escape, brings the shadow into our very presence, nor can we even turn from it. Those in power are not always the most competent. NEVER KNOW TILL WE TRY. We never know what we can stand until we have gone through the ordeal. Men who have been so timid they could scarce muster courage enough to have an aching tooth pulled, have gone to war vol- BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 207 untarily and faced shot and shell, left a leg or an arm on the battle-field and stood the terrible ordeal with fortitude and without a flinch. TAKE A GOOD ONE, OR YOU'LL HAVE TROUBLE. Our character is the only thing we take with us when we leave this world. It is our passport. DON'T REMOVE THE BUNG. There isn't a headache in a barrel of whiskey, as long as it stays in the barrel. NECESSARY DETAILS. The details of life keep us employed during our short stay on earth ; without our little troubles we would be lost, even at home. PROSPERITY AND GIDDINESS. Only the grasshopper-minded permit good news and prosperity to make them giddy and act silly. THE COLUMBIAN EXPOSITION, 1893. The great World's Fair of 1893, at Chicago, is here- with recorded in history as the grandest exhibition of art, industry, learning and practical Christian pro- gress ever massed under the canopy of heaven, and 2o3 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. especially praiseworthy for so young a nation as Am- erica, at the Closing of the Nineteenth Century. Chicago covered herself and our country with honor and glory, which will last for all time to come. May peace and progress abide.always with us is the heart- felt prayer of the author. LOVE AND FEAR. Christianity teaches us to love God, while religion teaches us to fear him. A child that obeys its father and mother through love and respect is imbued with a true Christian spirit, but a child that obeys its par- ents through fear is not to be trusted. CHEAP JOHNS. Some people are like a cheap John suit of clothes- they don't wear well. SORRY FOR IT. Four out of every five people, if permitted to have their way in everything, would be sorry for it after- ward. DRIVE THE DEMON OUT. The evil spirit of infelicity has taken hold upon the theatrical profession, and threatens that indispensa- ble garden of diversion, pleasure, merriment and good cheer with odium. The divorce demon, which shatters love, affection and morality, should be weeded BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 209 out of the garden. It is a strange fact that many- people have the faculty of making money, pleasure and happiness for others, but none for themselves There is no valid reason why this state of affairs should exist, and as it doesn't exist with the majority of the members of the theatrical profession, there is no moral reason why it should exist at all. Drive the demon out. CIRCUMSTANCES TO BLAME. Much of man's wrong-doing is caused by evil cir- cumstances. Cause is responsible for effect. Prose- cute the cause, and have mercy for mankind under the circumstances. HAWKS' CLAWS. A plague once visited the Chechemeca Indian country, in the form of hawks of an enormous size, which came in such numbers that it threatened death and destruction to all domestic fowl, young pigs, goats and lambs. The government offered a reward of twenty-five cents a '•pair for hawks' claws. The author reached the plague-stricken district in time to take a hand in the fracas, and found the Indians wild with excitement over the prospect of making money out of hawks' claws. Some were armed with bows and arrows, and others with flint lock muskets, till the country for miles around presented a grand spectacle of war up to the handle against hawks. The author took in the situation at a glance, and after fifteen minutes' suffering with suggestion of the brain over 2IO BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. his mental phone, hit upon a plan for making the en- emy surrender their claws without firing a shot. The following plan was adopted : All the scythe blades in the country were secured, ground to the sharpness of a razor, and fastened on poles, with the edge of the scythe up. Then these poles were set in the ground, in different sections, round about where the hawks frequented. A chicken, tied by the leg, adorned the foot of each pole, and when all was ready everybody retired. The hawks would sail round and round over the chicken, and finally light on the scythe-blade with such force that off would come their claws, and in many cases the foul birds would split in two. The author picked up fourteen dead hawks and three eagles under one scythe-blade, besides ridding the plague-stricken country of its incubus, and pocketing over four hundred dollars. EVER LINGERING NEAR. While war may not be in sight of mankind, man- kind is at all times in sight of war. THAWING DYNAMITE. Conclusions are as dangerous as thawing out dyna- mite on a red-hot stove. We should go slow and be very deliberate in arriving at conclusions, for the rea- son that only one conclusion in twenty-seven is good for anything, the other twenty-six being only fit for demonstrations of failure. In the case of the fellow who thawed out the dynamite, he didn't live long BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 211 enough to enjoy the benefits of his experience. The conclusion he came to was a dangerous one, so his friends say ; therefore we should take the lesson to ourselves and beware of what we intend to do, and think it over carefully before we do it. USEFUL MISSIONARIES. Foreign missionaries should engage in farming and other industries, so as to educate the heathen in prac- tical Christianity, as well as creedism. THE DEATH SCREW. The corkscrew opens the way for poor, weak man to swallow poison, while the dreaded screwdriver is waiting- to fasten the lid on his coffin. WHEN THE HAIR IS TURNING WHITE. The best thing to do when the hair is turning white is to let it turn. Gray hair is natural, and not the least bit dishonorable, unless dishonored by its owner. EGYPT AND MEXICO. Why is it not as reasonable to suppose that the Egyptians came from Mexico as it is theorized that the original Mexicans came from Egypt? It my humble opinion neither came from either place. 212 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. They are part and parcel of a once great nation, which became separated in a collision between our earth and Mars, referred to in another chapter. CIVILIZATION NO GRAFT FOR THE HEATHEN. It is mighty poor wisdom to educate the heathen up to civilization's wants, without giving him the oppor- tunity of acquiring it as easily as he does his happy-go- lucky native life, free from want and care. CANNIBAL ETIQUETTE. The cannibals of the South Sea Islands never pick their teeth in company, or in public. The habit is considered vulgar even among the Hottentots and Digger Indians. MISTAKEN IDENTITY. Don't think everyone you see with a Prayer Book or Testament is a Christian. Even the possession of firearms isn't always an indication of bravery. DRESS REFORM. If dress reform keeps on in its low cut strides, we will soon be back to first principles, ere Adam and Eve set up a millinery shop. The trouble with some ladies' dresses is that they are too short at one end and too long at the other. Wouldn't it be better to cut off the long end that sweeps the street and BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 213 splice it to the other ? What is more surgical and agricultural-like than to see a lady dressed a la low- necked, with amputated sleeves and a carpet sweeper and a hay rake attachment* dragging behind ? The term "full dress " doesn't begin to deseribe it, for the reason that the dress is more than full and overflow- ing at one end, with lots to spare at the other. SATAN ASSISTS. Thousands of people are annually employed in making burglar alarms and locks. If it wasn't for Satan, these people would be thrown out of employ- ment. The Devil is a necessary evil to mankind, to a limited extent. CHERISH THIS IDEA. Never lose sight of the value of money ; don't waste a cent on anything. Every dollar you lose is a friend in need lost. RESURRECTION DAY. Every day is resurrection day with those who die, for through death life is resurrected from its earthly body and ascends to its new body in Heaven to live on forever. "LADY" AND "GENTLEMAN. These terms go astray many a time, for we often see men and women who are nekher ladies nor gen- 214 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. tlemen, though they may be dressed in fine clothing and have money in wads. The terms "lady "and "gentleman" apply only to people of refinement and morality. THE TOLTEC CODE. The following definitions of expressions from the code of laws in vogue among the Toltec Indians of the eighth century, as deciphered by the author from the original stones, will be read with interest, especi- ally in view of the revelations lately made before a Senatorial Committee in New York City : Popamityanlotl. One who bribes others to do wrong. Punished by death by drowning; the body buried with face downward. Panlotlipotl. One who accepted a bribe to do wrong. Punished by cutting off the lobe of each ear for the first offence ; head off for the second offence*. Tecuamiltolotl. A highway robber. Punished by being tied hand and foot, and buried alive. Cuitlamotlihuitl. A dishonest servant. Punished by being branded on the cheek as a mark of warning to others not to employ him or her. Izalhuatl. A man who alienates the affections of another man's wife, causing her to leave her husband's home. Punished by being stoned to death. Cuitlihuoclilotl. A trusted employee who robbed his employer. This offence was considered greater EARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 21 5 than burglary, because the thief was robbing his friend, who gave him employment, and was punished by death by drowning in bitter water. Quilpinzantepec : A criminal by profession. Pun- ished by being tied to a stake, there to remain with- out food or water until death came through starva- tion. Tlaxhuitlotzin. A woman who alienates the affec- tions of another woman's husband, causing him to de- sert hia wife. Punished by death by poisoning. Zochizmiltzin. A dishonest government official. Punished by death by strangulation. Hauxinpantepec. A wife-beater. Punished by be- ing drowned. The government or relatives took care of the widow and children until the wife chose to marry again. [ Pity that law isn't in force to-day, J Itzintotlihuitl. A swindler by games of chance. Punished by being bled to death. Catulpectipetl. A designing woman, who lured men into a semblance of wrong, for black-mailing purposes. Punnished by imprisonment for life, and never per- mitted to see the face of the sun. Yucantezpetl. One who would impose upon a stran- ger in a strange land. Punished by death by stran- gulation. Caiulatliiotl. A woman who went about gossiping and making mischief — a disturbing element in the community. Punished by being compelled to wash 2l6 BARBY COEY'S- PHILOSOPHY. the feet and clothes of those she talked about, and sweep their yards once a week for four months. Cualcaxotli. A dishonest trustee. Punished b} death by drowning. Huityinzotl. A female thief. Punished by cutting off the end of the nose as a mark of warning to the public. Huoczenposticatl. A murderer. Punished by being stabbed to death. Patolquachelotl. A man with more than one wife, living a double life. Punished by slitting the lobe of the ear, as a mark of warning to the public that such men were' not to be trusted. Patolquachipectepetl. A woman with more than one husband. Punished by being compelled to wear the hair cut short. [ This was considered to be an awful disgrace among the Indians, who fairly worship their long and heavy suits of hair.] The Toltecs obeyed the laws of their country, as good citizens should, and crime among them was exceedingly rare. They were a harmless, peaceable and industrious race. SPAIN'S APOLOGY FOR MEXICO. At a banquet given some time ago a young Span- iard was called upon for a speech, which he delivered as follows : ' ' Ladies and Gentlemen — Had America conquered Mexico she would have repeopled it BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 2l7 with practical Christianity and spread it all over with schools, saw-mills, tan yards, first-class hotels, baker- ies, shoemakers' shops, railroads, palace cars, steam- boats and savings banks, and moved all the cities and towns out of the swamps and set them up on hills, where they could have drainage and fresh air, and thereby reduce the death rate fifty per cent. But Spain being the conqueror, gave freely of what she had, and that was — plenty of religion ! ' ' HIS BEST FRIEND. Man with money has many acquaintances, but few real friends. His money is his best friend. LIFE'S QUERIES. Take love, music and diversion away, and lite wouldn't be worth living. Take sickness, disease and trouble away, and we would fail to appreciate health and happiness. BASIS OF BELIEF. The faith and belief of people is usually based up- on what they^have been taught, but the trouble is that many have been taught wrong. A. FOOL IN TOWN. A man who has struck it rich in a mine, or other- wise, and goes to the city, splurging with his money and living high, meets many well-dressed friends of 2l8 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. many climes who flatter him into temporary aberra- tion of mind, and lead him into scheme-traps to catch his pile — from poker, race horses, stock and grain gambling, dead-sure-winner enterprises, second mortgages, etc. — until finally he wakes up, swamped in lawsuits, debts and attachments, and realizes there's a fool in town. MISERIES OF OFFICE. The social functions that belong to office are health destroying, expensive, wearing and tearing upon the office-holder. HOW WE SHOULD LIVE. We should so live and conduct ourselves as to merit the respect and attention of good people, whose influence is worth something to us. THE AUTHOR'S START. I started out in life with a small stock of schooling, acquired in a three months' term at a pine log-cabin school-house, with the bark on, and worm-eaten in places, with a roof of poles, leaving cracks for astro- nomical purposes, and hard seats without backs. My studies were confined to Webster's Spelling Book, writing and arithmetic, and if a fellow got along as far as the double rule of three by the end of the term he was looked upon as having made a fair record. I studied my lessons at night, by the light of pine knots which I gathered in the woods on my way home BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 2ig from school. One day Robinson's Circus came along, with live tigers, elephants, zebras, etc., the pictures of which I had so much admired in my childhood's primer days, when I was learning my A, B, C's, and that settled it. I made up my mind from that time on to work hard, and earn money, travel, and see the countries where these animals came from, and now, after thirty-odd years of travel and varied experience, in which I engaged in about everything but a Congres- sional run, I have written a book which I hope you will enjoy, and be slow in recovering from the effects of the enjoyment. ROOMING WITH A BOA CONSTRICTOR. While traveling through the forests of the Upper Amazon River, South America, I met with a peculiar adventure. One night, after a hard day's ride on a ra- zor-backed horse, I came to a trapper's cabin, where I halted for lodging, and was assigned a narrow shed off to one side of the main hut, where I slept on bam- boo poles, which are as hollow as gas piping, and in each one there dwelt some living thing. In some were lizards, in others flying ants, beetles and a few more things, but these I didn't mind. In the morning when I woke up, the first thing I saw was a huge boa snake, fourteen feet long, stretched out on a girder across the room, not over four feet above the foot of my bed. Upon making inquiries regarding the character and reputation of my room-mate, I was informed that Mr. Boa was a member of the family, having been adopted as such when a baby snake, twelve years before, and utilized by the landlord to 220 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. keep the house rid of rats and mice. I deem it in or- der at this juncture of my story to state that I hadn't tasted a drop of tangle- foot for two weeks previous. WORSE THAN A STROKE OF PAR- ALYSIS. A mad fit often causes its victim to writhe in fury and to say and do mean things to others, destructive of friendship. A mad fit is worse than a fatal stroke of paralysis, for in the latter case the victim will get over it by dying, without inflicting suffering on others. INDIAN WISH ROOT. This is a species of herb known among the Indian tribes of Central America, the peculiarity of which is that you make a tea of it, make a wish when you drink it, and whatever that wish is it will come to pass before the second Tuesday of the following week. A white man who happened to be visiting the tribe one day heard of this wonderful herb ; he got hold of some, made himself a cup of tea, drank it, making the wish that the Indians would not molest him while in their country. That afternoon he went out to hunt wild boars, and was found later by some friendly natives, sitting under a tree, crying like a child, with not a stitch of clothing on him. The Jun- gle Indians had caught and robbed him of everything he had but his life. The friendly natives gave him BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 221 a blanket to walk home in, where, upon his arrival, he discovered his mistake. He had made tea of the top of the herb, instead of the root, which had the op- posite effect, so he immediately drank tea made from the root, and that night a Jew clothing pedler came along, and the white man, wanting revenge, took it out of the poor Jew, to whom he gave a cup of tea off the wrong end of the herb, and next morning all that was left of the Jew pedler was the Jewish part. The white man was dressed up like a major. If you hear of some poor fellow playing to hard luck tell him to take a dose of Indian wish root, but look out he doesn't get hold of the wrong end. ADVERTISING FOR A WIFE. Fools are born at every minute, Never knowing they are in it; Through their whole life long Never know for what they're born. He who advertises for a wife, Makes misery his lot through life. She who thus selects her mate, Turns loving nature into hate. A penalty surely follows all things unnatural. To advertise for a wife as you would for an article of mer- chandise is unnatural and heathenish, to say the least. The true Christian and natural way to obtain a wife is to court her and tell her truthfully just what you think of her, and win her love and affection by just, 222 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. honorable and fair means. Don't tell her that you have this, that or the other, or give her any fairy tales of fortune in store for her, for if she loves, she will believe you and forsake her parents and friends to become yours, only to find out afterwards all was not gold that glittered. Then her love will turn to sorrow or to hate. She is disappointed in you, sorry she ever met you, and all happiness is gone, for humiliation and disappointment have driven it away. Be honorable in courtship, and win your bride fairly, and keep the flame of love always shining bright by adding love's kindling-wood to your fire of affection for the one chosen. BETTER THAN DOING NOTHING. Never be dependent on any one, especially your relatives. Better saw wood for your board and lodg- ing than do nothing, living at somebody else's ex- pense and going in debt besides. HAVE SOME PRIDE ABOUT YOU. Never intrude where your're not welcome, or notice those who show signs of non-intercourse and with- drawal of friendly relations. It is mighty poor sugar that can't furnish its own sweetening. NEVER STOOP TO LITTLE THINGS. People with pride and dignity should never stoop to little things. I found that out when a child wearing short dresses. I stooped down one day and picked BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 223 up a live bumble bee. That convinced me, and from that day to this I have never stooped to little things. DISHONEST FAILURE. Any man who can't pay his bills, on account of hav- ing gambled his money away, deserves no sympathy ; it is dishonest failure. FREE LOVE. Free love can only be trusted to the lower order of animals with safety. WHY A FOOL IS A FOOL. The seat of trouble with the unwise lies in the fact that they won't reason why and where they are wrong. IMAGINARY ARISTOCRACY. Foolish pride makes man an imaginary aristocrat to-day and a pauper-debtor to-morrow. HOW SHALL WE GET ALONG WITH- OUT THEM? One by one our great men and women are being called by the stern tyrant, Death, and the question arises, how shall we get along without them ? The answer is, that their life work is a legacy to others held in reserve to take the place of those called 224 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. away to a higher sphere in life. Hence the machin- ery of life and humanity is never allowed to stop, but is kept constantly going, through the wisdom of its Creator. Besides, the places made vacant by death are opportunities for the living to become great and to improve upon the work of their predecessors. There are just as good men and women in the world to-day as ever left it, and opportunity develops them as time goes on. A FEW REMARKS ON MOURNING. Mourning is a sign of death, but not always an indi- cation of grief. It is a fashionable fad with some peo- ple, according to their feelings and the latest style of dress, and many internally wear a feeling of joy, clothed in make-believe sorrow. Reverence is not in it. INVISIBLE GRAVE-STONES. Memory only serves to mark a watery grave. THE LAST THING TO GIVE WAY. The last thing to give way in a human being is the heart. It gives life back to its Creator to dispose of it as he sees fit. NEVER BE TOO QUICK TO TAKE OF- FENCE. People often make the mistake of assuming offence to be given where none is intended. Such people BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 225 are imbued with the spirit of a hyena; they snap and growl at their own shadows, and are unfit company for themselves or anybody else. No man was ever a friend to another who cut that friendship for an im- aginary cause. Avoid giving offence, keep out of bar- room brawls and disputes, for they always result in wrong. NEVER DROWN A WOE. No woe was ever worth the drowning, either by liquor or water. Strive to outlive and endure the hard- ships, and if you die a natural death in the struggle, you will inherit a palace above. AFRAID. Never be afraid of anyone, for the moment a brute sees you wilt her feels that he has you in his power. Avoid trouble and keep away from quarrelsome peo- ple. CAUSING UNNECESSARY TROUBLE. A disobedient and wayward young man causes a great amount of unnecessary trouble and expense, considering his age and ability. TO THOSE BORN WEALTHY. How little those young men and women born of wealthy parents know of the hardships, toils, self- denial and sufferings their less fortunate sisters and 226 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. brothers endure, who have to struggle from morning till night for a living ! AMATEURS. We are all amateurs in this world, preparing our- selves for our debut in the next. NOT FAR NOW. The Far West has become a thing of the past, Since practical Christianity's got there at last ; But Satan's at work, retarding Christ's wisdom, Under the cover of religious creedism. SMATTERMAN. The smatterman is he who has a smattering know- ledge of a few things, but who thinks he knows it all. SWATH-CUTTERS. High-rollers and swath-cutters usually fall victims to their own scythes and their own follies. NOT MUCH LEFT. Once Satan has got a person's mouth to work for him, there isn't much left for Christianity. WHO ARE GOOD LISTENERS. It is characteristic of all successful men that they are good listeners, good students of mankind, an4 EARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 227 weigh thoughtfully everything said to them. They never attempt anything without first taking into con- sideration the whys, proofs, probabilities, and mo- tives, and they anticipate the result, as far as their power of knowledge can weigh and measure it out. WHERE HUMILIATION CAN BE AVOIDED. Man's humiliation can be avoided to a great extent by curtailing demands for favors and keeping pos- session of the mighty dollar ; then he need ask no favors. THE WEALTHY CHARITABLE. There isn't another nation on the earth with a greater number of wealthy charitable people than America can boast. And they are discreetly charita- ble, many of them having given thousands of dollars without letting it be advertised to the general pub- lic. Hoodlums are the sprouting evils of crime and criminals. NOT A DREAM. Life is not a dream — it is a reality — but the trouble with some people is that they don't realize it. BAD JUDGMENT. Pre-judgment means to judge before hearing, see- ing, or knowing. Prejudice is the outcome of pre- 228 BARBY COEY*S PHILOSOPHY. judgment. No fair-minded person will ever pre- judge a thing or a person before he knows the truth or hears both sides. Tale-bearers are scavengers in the employ of Satan, their occupation being to smirch the character of the innocent. They are not to be believed on oath. WORTHLESS KNOWLEDGE. Two-thirds of what man knows is of no real use to him. UPSET. Every calculation should be entered into with a full appreciation of the possibilities of being upset. TIME! TIME! TIME! Our every breath, thought, word or act requires time ; we were born in time and die in it. The world was created in time, moves in time, and in a short time we'll move out, but the world will still keep moving on time. MONKEYS, HORNED TOADS AND WOOD- PECKERS. When the telegraph line was first constructed along the coast of Southern Mexico it was almost impossi- ble to keep it in repair on account of the wild mon- keys using the wires as swings, with consequent breakage, while the woodpeckers would light on the insulators, and, hearing the buzzing noise caused by BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 229 the vibration of the wires, think it was insects or worms inside the pole, and then immediately set to work pecking a hole in the pole, to get at their prey. While the woodpeckers were hard at work, the horn- ed toads would carry up red ants to feed them until the job was finished, and for this the toads were to have one-third of everything the woodpeckers found in the poles. One day a dispatch buzzed over the wire, saying that a Wall street syndicate had got con- trol of the line, and the news had such a shocking effect that it electrocuted all the monkeys, knocked the woodpeckers sky-high and scared the horned toads so they never stopped running till they got to Central America ; ever since then the line has been working all right, and there's no more monkeying with the wires. IDLENESS AND LABOR. Idleness is unprofitable inactivity. All honest labor, however humble, is dignified. WHAT IS GRIP? It is the concentrated extract of every ailment known to man or beast, any one of which he is liable to die with. HOW OLD TERRA WILL WIND UP. The world will come to an end through the gradual slowing down of the wheels of population. This slow- 230 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. down will be imperceptible at first, until the wheels begin to roll the other way ; then fewer and fewer children will be born as the centuries pass, until finally all will be extinct, and old terra firma will be to let. That story about the world being destined to be burnt up is a mistake, in my opinion. They tried that in Chicago once, and now they've got a bigger and better Chicago than they had before. SPORT. It is essential to our happy and healthful existence that we should indulge in rational sports, such as gymnastics, foot-ball, base-ball, horseback riding, foot racing, picnicing, boating, fishing, singing, playing and dancing. Enjoy everything you can that is worth en- joyment in this world, but take special care to do so in moderation. Remember that good can be turned into evil by excess and intemperance. The two worst evils of good society and pleasure are betting and li- quor-drinking. Abolish these two greatest and worst enemies of mankind, and life will be a paradise. All will live longer, be happier and have better health. WARS. Moralists deplore the slaughter of battle, but mili- tary men never, because the survivors (and all hope to survive) consider the killed and wounded as so many removed out of the way of their promotion It is a lottery, in which the blanks are death, but every soldier looks only to the prizes. Glory in war- fare is derived solely from the justice of the war. BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 231 Those who are victorious in an unjust war have no higher glory than appertains to the success of a ban- ditti. But this discrimination is not always made, either by contemporaries or historians, and kings and courts confer meiitorious distinction on their suc- cessful generals, to excite them, and to gloss over the injustice of the cause. APPRECIATION. Appreciation is a great faculty to possess. It en- ables one to value life as it comes and put a just esti- mate upon men and things. Some people have been born without a vein of appreciation in their make-up, and who cannot value anybody or thing but them- selves. A GOOD LENDER, A POOR BORROWER. A liberal-hearted fellow, who is ever ready to help others, is a poor hand at borrowing when he is in trouble and needs assistance. Moral. — It does'nt pay to be indiscriminately liberal. DISCRETION AND VALOR. It is good discretion and ninety per cent, of valor, as a rule, to respect those in authority. PROBLEMS AND FOOD. It is often the case that there is more money in raising potatoes than in solving problems. Millions 232 BAltBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. of people are changed for the better by the solution of a problem, and yet it often happens that he who labors long and hard to solve the problem has scarce money enough to live on. THE PORTER AND HIS MASTER. It is often the case that the porter is better off than the man whose trunk he carries. NO FAITH IN THEMSELVES. People who feel it their duty to call upon God to bless everything they say and do can't have much confidence in themselves. PASSING OF THE STONE AGE. Monumental schools and hospitals should take the place of costly stone monuments, relics of the dark ages, and of no material benefit either to the departed or the living. DEAR MONEY, Money is never cheap to the man or woman who works and earns it. On the contrary, it is high-priced to those who are fortunate enough to own any. CHESTNUT-BURR RIDERS. How strange it looks to a ranchero to see the chap- pie style of horseback riding in the cities. These thumpety-bump-johnny-jump-up-and-down riders act BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 2$$ as though their saddles were padded with chestnut- burrs, pricking them at every ridiculous jump. Why don't they go out West, with the cow-boys and Indians, and learn how to ride gracefully and in harmony with the movement of the horse. HOW OUR MINDS SHOULD CHANGE. We should so conduct ourselves in life that should we change our minds regarding one another it would be to think better of those whom we began to think well of at first. LOOKING BACKWARD. At the age of twenty years we have a slight glimpse of ourselves at ten, as others saw us at that trouble- some period, and at forty we see ourselves at twenty, as others saw us. REGARD OTHERS' OPINIONS. No matter what our opinion may be on any subject it is our duty to respect the differing opinions of others. All are entitled to their own honest way of thinking. SHUT THE DOOR SOFTLY. • There is an art in opening and closing a door which many seem to know little about. The proper way is to take hold of the knob, then turn it gently as far as it will go, then push the door open gracefully, and 234 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. close it behind you, softly. Some people open a door and close it as though they had been brought up in a barn, along with mules and goats. They grab and shove the knob at the same time, wearing and tearing the catch, and slam the door to with a bang that can be heard all over the house ; while others leave the door open, to give the dust and draught a chance to make some-one catch a cold, which often develops in- to pneumonia and a funeral. HARD WAY TO EARN A LIVING. A salesman, or a man in business for himself, who has to go around, drinking liquor with his customers, in order to get their trade, has a tough time of it, no matter how much he earns. A cobbler has an easier job. WHAT LEADS CIVILIZATION. The advance of civilization is led by Christian prin- ciples in active operation. The telephone, the tele- graph, the palace car and the steamer, and all other modern improvement, are the result of practical Christianity. GO SLOWLY ON STARTING. Many people make the fatal mistake of too much display and expense on the start. They begin busi- ness by rushing headlong into expensive offices and general extravagance, without first going ahead in BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 235 a modest way and finding out whether the business promises to be a success. Never judge a business, a firm, or a company by the offices they occupy, any more than you would a man by the clothing he wears. SOAP. There is more godliness in a Babbitt cake than in the minds of people who never take a bath. DUPE YET NO DUPE. Everybody isn't a fool who is taken for one. The taker sometimes gets warmed into the fact that he is the fool. FOOLISHNESS. What's the use of our legislators wasting time and money trying to pass a bill which they know before- hand will be vetoed, unless they are ;:ure they can pass it over the 'to's head. GIGANTIC LIARS. Monumental lying is the joker in the woodpile of progress and civilization. Discard it, and trade, com- merce and politics would suffer. CREDULITY CRIME'S VICTIM. Credulity is a kind of brain-fever that affects many people, who believe, without sense or reason, every- 23<> BARBY COEY's PHILOSOPHY. thing they hear, see, taste or smell. They are known as credulites, and are easy victims to all manner of sharpers and schemers, who make it a busines to rob people of their money. SHOULD GO TOGETHER. Labor and capital should be bosom friends ; there's no reason in the world why they shouldn't pull to- gether and use every effort to mutually advance each other's interest and the general welfare. CHURCH MILITANT. A canon of the Church is a piece of religious artil- lery, mounted to fight Satan. My sympathy is with the canon, and I hope it will be victorious in every battle, whether it be manned by Protestant, Catholic, Hebrew or Hindoo. It's aim is to do good. DIVINE MUSIC. John Howard Payne, the author of "Home, Sweet Home," wrote himself into heaven on that song. If it isn't on the programme aloft, it ought to be. THRIFT. It isn't what one makes that tells, it's what one saves. Some people in receipt of three dollars or less a day will have more money at the end of a year than others who get ten dollars a day. It all depends up- BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 237 on the person, his habits and his ideas of the value of money. YOU SHOULDN'T RISK YOUR FAIR FAME. No man can afford to gamble with his reputation with a spendthrift's recklessness. HAPPY ROAMER OF THE FOREST. The mental strain of business and financial worry is a fiend amuck through man's brain, which the strongest and bravest often surrender to. Blessed was the red man before the advent of civilization, for he knew not the trials, troubles and tribulations of our boasted better life. NEVER SURRENDER TO ADVERSITY. Every human being has his ups and downs in this world, therefore no one who is in hard lines should give up and think that he is the only sufferer. Never surrender to adversity, be manly, self-reliant and proudly rise above it, whether you've got a dollar or not. NO REST IN THE GRAVE. When a person dies, and the body is consigned to the grave, it is referred to as being laid at rest, which, in point of fact, is a mistake, for the reason that man's 238 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. body does not rest, even in the grave, for there it be- gins its labor of disintegrating and working its pas- sage back to mother earth, from whence it came. A TIN KETTLE. Man's imagination makes him a tin kettle tied to a bull's tail, running wild, loose and reckless, and when asked where he's going his answer is, ■ * Don't know — ask the bull." THE WHISKEY TRUST. If this Trust was anything like what it appears on paper it would be a blessing to mankind. But it is not a whiskey trust, in a sense, for the reason that many people will not trust the whiskey out of sight, except when they are on the outside of it. HOUSE UPSETTERS. A short spell of the seven years' itch is more desir- able about the house than a fault-finding and scolding man or woman. Ten volts of three minutes' duration of these shocking creatures will upset a whole house- hold for a week. AN ARTFUL TALE. Down in the Tobasco Country, near the coast, the climate is very hot, and the natives, who are Indians, sleep out on the grass and leaves. The Indian mo- EARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 239 thers, with their infants nursing at the breast, chose a shady spot for their siesta, and in a short time all are sound asleep, when a milk snake crawls cautiously up to where they are and places the end of its tail in the mouth of the child, to keep it from crying, and then leisurely nurses at the sleeping mother's breast. When it has finished it as quietly crawls away, with- out doing any harm further than robbing the infant of its nourishment. 'TIS AN ILL WIND. A man who is losing money is doing well for the other fellow, who is getting it. THE LONGS AND SHORTS. Ike went long on stocks, and now he's longing for his money. Jack went shorj; of the market and his cash to boot. They gambled on ticker roulette options, and now it is optional with them which is the biggest fool. AFTER CHICAGO FOR DAMAGES. Away back in the early part of the seventies I was out in the Rocky Mountains, with pick and shovel, prospecting for sudden wealth, when I came across a whole tribe of Indians, frozen to death in a deep gulch. I set immediately my mentalophone to work to grind out a plan to utilize the Indians for com- mercial purposes, and was fortunate enough to hit upon an idea which went successfully for a time. I 240 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. get to work shoveling frozen Indians out of the snow, and in three days I had a hundred of the finest speci- mens anybody would want to look at. Then I made a contract with an old stage-driver to haul my frozen aborigines down to Chicago, where I rented them out as signs for cigar store fronts, at five dollars a month each Indian. Here was a good business, bringing me five hundred dollars a month — six thou- sand a year — until that O'Leary cow fire came along and thawed out all my Indians, so that they ran off and left me, and now I'm per-suing Chicago for the loss of my property. A GREAT ADVANTAGE Is held by the fellow who keeps his temper over the one flying into a passion. WHAT PAYS. Money made dishonestly never does its owner any good. It pays to be honest at all times and under all circumstances. THE RUIN OF MANY A GOOD BUSI- NESS. Many a good enterprise has been ruined on account of envy, jealousy, dissension and outside influence. One of the greatest barriers to man's success is lack cf will power. Man makes up his mind to do or no^ BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 241 to do a thing, and through lack of will power, when the time to act comes, he weakens. Thousands of people to-day are poor, for no other cause than this want of force of character to take them through the world in good condition, morally and financially, and fairly free from outside influences. FALSE FRIENDS. Many a good, liberal-hearted fellow, with no dis- honest intentions, has come to grief and ignominy through false and treacherous friends. DUST. Man was made of dust, and he must get up and dust, for he needs dust while he lives, but returns to dust when he dies. It's dust, just dust. WE FORGET OUR LESSONS. Experience is a great teacher, but many of her pupils seem to forget their lessons as fast as learned. MOTHER WON'T BE WITH YOU AL- WAYS. Dear children : Be good to your mother and mind what she says, for she will not be with you always. Our great Father in heaven will send for her to come up there and you will be left alone in the world until God, in his good time, sends the angel to take you 242 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. where mother is. The way to be ready to go is to be good as long as you live, and remember that you are children of God, no matter how old you may be. Never outgrow the innocence of childhood. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. It is much easier for one getting along well in life to do right than it is for one in hard luck. WORMS OF ART. Art worms are those which produce antique, worm- eaten furniture, for those who make a business of selling this art work of worms to people with more money than they know what to do with. PAN-AMERICA. To the merchants and business men generally of the United States : All through Mexico, Central and South America, complaints are heard of circulars be- ing received from all parts of this country, printed in the English language, which is not understood by these peoples ; hence the circulars are thrown away and do the senders no good. All communications in- tended for these countries, either in the form of let- ters, circulars or catalogues, should be in the Spanish language, otherwise it is money wasted. The author, while traveling through these countries, had his at- tention called to a number of catalogues, circulars, etc., in English, from American manufacturers of BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 243 shoes, hats, machinery, fancy goods, dry goods, hard- ware, groceries, etc. , while there were also circulars and catalogues in the Spanish language, representing the same lines of goods from England, France and Germany, which countries are doing a good business with Spanish America, but whose trade should come to their great sister republic, north of the Rio Grande. Another serious complaint is in relation to the bad packing of American products, which are usually put up in thin, light, cheap pine, or other soft wood frames, crates and boxes, so that, by the time they reach their destination, the cases are broken, and their con- tents damaged, while European goods are well pack- ed and arrive in prime condition. This state of af- fairs exists all the way from Mexice down to the Ar- gentine Republic. If the United States wishes to get the trade and commerce of her sister republics south of the Rio Grande she must be up and doing, and compete in price, quality, packing, terms, etc., with Europe, else there will be no business there for Uncle Sam. COULDN'T GIVE AN EXPLANATION. Not one in fifty, if called upon to give an explana- tion of themselves, could explain the thing. FOOL INCUBATORS. A new suit and a little, jewelry often turns a person's mind and develops a fool. A little success fetches out a fool every now and then. A young man sent away from home to school sometimes comes back a 244 BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. fool. Extravagances build up pauperism and indebt- edness. Liquor develops more kinds of fool than anything else. WHERE POVERTY IS DANGEROUS. There's nothing dishonest in being poor, but it is dangerous to let it get noised around among one's creditors. THAT IS LOVE! A pretty face or ankle strikes terror to a water-log- ged-brained young mule colt, turning its head into a mush pot, stirred with imagination, causing the poor thing to suffer love-sickness, high fever, and run out of its mind, chasing a mocking bird, thinking it a dove. TURN ABOUT. Peace and war take turn about as leaders in the march of time. HELD UP BY A BANDIT. An uptown society woman has lit upon a new fad — she employs a bandit to hold up her train. INVENTOR AND TRANSGRESSOR. The way of the inventor is, in a sense, like that of the transgressor. Both are hard. The former toils and suffers untold hardships in the endeavor to do good. BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 245 while the latter suffers, and rightfully too, for his wrongdoing. The question arises, ' ' What are we here for and what is it all about ? " THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE Consists in chasing the golden calf and getting hold of as much of that particular bull yearling as possible, holding fast to what you do get. CHRIST WANTS NO SUFFERING. Our Lord and Saviour wants no human being or thing to suffer for His sake. His desire is that we all live in peace and happiness. He did all the suffering necessary for mankind. ANTIDOTES FOR WEARINESS. Anecdotes are antidotes for weariness. They are to life what good seasoning is to the table. A ONE-ARMED HORSE-THIEF. A horse-thief in our neighborhood was convicted of stealing a mule, and sentenced to be jugged for ten years. When sentenced by the court the prisoner took consolation in the belief that he would not have to work, being a one-armed man. Next day the sheriff started with his prisoner for the Penitentiary, and, upon arriving there, the usual formalities were gone through with, such as taking the height, noting the age, weight, etc. , of the prisoner. When all was 246 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. finished, the prison keeper remarked, to the surprise of the prisoner, that he had just the place for him in the workshop, to turn the grindstone ! The thief al- most collapsed and has regretted many times since that he ever stole that mule. RESPITE. A few hours respite from the toils, troubles and worries of daily life is where the theatre plays its part. Long live the theatre ! POOR ESTIMATE OF RICHES. The fortunes of wealthy people are, as a rule, much overestimated. PEOPLE WHO ROB THEMSELVES. It is the misfortune of some good advisers that they give all their good advice to others and keep none for their own use. DE BONE DON'T FIGHT. During the war, while the Union army was in Georgia, a fine, healthy negro sauntered into the Feder- al camp one day, when one of the officers said to him : ■ ' Why don't you shoulder a musket and fight for your freedom?" The negro looked at the officer with astonishment for a moment, then replied : ' « Boss, didn't you neber see two dogs fitin' over a bone ? " "Yes, " replied the officer, "but what has that got to BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 247 do with the case ?" "Why," says the darkey, " didn't you neber notice dat the bone don't fite." WHAT IS INSPIRATION? Inspiration is, in the nature of things, God in spirit within man, guiding him in a mysterious way to ac- complish great and g ood things. We find evidence of this in progressive science and practical Christian- ity solving problems and bestowing blessings upon hu- manity. • ' What God hath wrought ! " CHASING AN ARMADILLO WITH A CAN- OPENER. While riding through the forests of South America, with my Indian guide, we came one day on a hard shell animal, which looked like the butt-end of a can- non. I fired two shots at it, and the balls glanced off just as if they had struck a rock, and the animal got away. I inquired of my Indian guide what the thing was, and he told me it was an armadillo. Then I knew there was no use wasting any more cartridges on the thing, but remembering I had a can-opener along, I fished it out and stuck it under my belt, fully determined that if we came across another armadillo it should be captured or I should know the reason why. We hadn't gone more than a mile when up jumped another, and I took after it on horseback at a breakneck speed, and after a hard chase over logs, ravines and sage-brush we caught up with the thing, and it turned upon my horse for a fight. Instantly I was on the ground, with can-opener in hand, and pounced upon the infuriated animal. Then occurred 248 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. such a hand-to-hand fight as the world never saw. Why, hairbreath escapes with Rocky Mountain griz- zlies ain't in it along with this battle, because there are soft places on a bear to get at, but on this fellow no. Rough, tough and tumble, we had it and fought for our lives, biting and scratching, as we rolled down a hillside over sharp, pointed rocks and brush. First I was on top and then the dillo would have an inning, till at last we struck into a nest of yellow jackets. That settled it : the thing had me foul when the jack- ets took up the fight in its favor, and it got away. And myself, why, that afternoon my eyes were swell- ed up so tight from the stings of the yellow jackets that the sun went down four hours ahead of time. CANNON BALLS AND FLATTERY. Men have been known to face shot and shell in bat- tle, and come out unhurt, yet these same men may be compelled to fall dead broke under the fire of flattery. SELFISH INHUMANITY. If man loses money in legitimate business, or a thief steals it, he will complain bitterly, but if he robs himself at the gaming table or wickedly squanders his money, it's all right in his biassed estimation. Man's injustice to himself is the tap root of evil. BALLOON TOADS. Down among the sugar cane fields, in the State of Zuchil Cruz, snakes of enormous size wriggle about in the endeavor to catch ground rats, and when the BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 249 cane is ready to cut, the natives, who live in deadly fear of these Zuchil serpents, will not work in the fields till they have been destroyed, which is done in the following manner : A professional-snake killer is employed, with trained balloon toads, about the size of an ordinary frog, but with the capability of swell- ing up to the size of a foot-ball. A number of these toads are placed in a basket, which the professor car- ries on his arm, and when he sees a snake he pulls out a balloon toad and throws it to the reptile, which speedily swallows it. Then the toad instantly swells up and bursts the snake wide open, when out hops Mr. Toad, unharmed, goes back to the professor, and hops into the basket to again await its turn to be fed to a snake as a piece of living dynamite. The professor informed me that he had some prize balloon toads, with a record of eleven snakes busted in eleven min- utes. CREED AND CONSCIENCE. It matters nothing with God what your religion is, so long as you are conscientious in you belief. WOMAN SUFFRAGE. The author of this epistle, to whom it may concern, is in favor of woman suffrage to the fullest extent. Woman should not only be permitted to vote, but she should hold office, from President of the United States down to bailiff. I should like to see our State Legislatures, Governors and the Senate and Congress in Washington, D. C, composed entirely of women. If such was the case to-day, instead of hard times, 250 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. caused by bamboozle plumbago legislation, we would have peace and prosperity. Anything that woman is not in sinks into a yoke of oxen and desuetude. LET THOUGHT PRECEDE ACTION. 'Tis fallacy to complain of the legitimate conse- quences of one's own acts, though they equal the tor- ments of hell. Always think out the possible conse- quences of your acts. WHEN THE WORLD WAS A BABY. When the world was a baby, Time was a baby, too; Both were the infant progeny Of God, the light and the true. Light was life upon the earth, Vegetable and animal, like you — Time had risen to a higher birth, When our race began with two. Pa Adam and Ma Eve were these — Who settled in heav'nly Eden. 'Mid flowers and tropic trees, And all things plenty in season. But Satan came, as forbidden fruit, To tempt them to eat, to their shame, His wile was too strong to refute, So out from the garden they came. Both, now naked, wanted relief, So Adam tackled the groves, Returning with a banana leaf, All he could find for robes. BARBY COEY S PHILOSOPHY. 2$I Then Adam started a ranch of his own, With his mate and companion, Eve — Where appeared the world's first born — But neither could spin nor weave. In need of a change of garments, Adam again took to the woods, Returning with skins of varmints, Which made up more seemly duds. Only death was now missing, On the wide sea and fair earth, Though life kept increasing, Through intermarriage and birth. Death came, and the world, completed, Started on its journey an orb, When other planets greeted The work of our Father, the Lord. HOW TO BE HAPPY WHETHER YOU'VE GOT A CENT OR NOT. For example, suppose you were dead broke, but yet heir to a rich estate, soon to be divided, of which you were to receive your portion, and enjoy happiness and comfort the rest of your life, your temporary em- barrassment might easily be endured. Though you hadn't a cent in your pocket, you would manage to get along, some way or other, till your inheritance came. This is the condition of every human being on earth, rich or poor; it makes no difference how much or little they may have, they are all heirs, joint- ly and equally interested and entitled to a rich inher- itance in our Father's estate above, which they will receive at the beginning of their new life. This is 252 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. the way in which to enjoy life, whether you've got a cent or not. You are all right. It is only a question of time when you will be in possession of a palace, with all the luxuries a human being can possibly en- joy, surrounded by friends who have gone before and are waiting and watching for you. UMBRELLAS AND CANES. There is an art in carrying umbrellas and canes, of which many persons are ignorant. They go through streets and crowded places with these warlike imple- ments under their arms, striking out forward and aft, jabbing people in the face and all portions of the body, making themselves all-around nuisances, just as if they had been brought up in cranberry bogs. These people are first cousins to the unloaded revol- ver fools, and they should be given a wide berth. QUEEN VICTORIA. Among the greatest names that history will record is Victoria, Queen of England, which will be handed down as the name of the most intelligent, the wisest ruler and the greatest queen that ever sat upon a throne. May she live long in the land, and enjoy the fruits thereof. PORFIRIO DIAZ. General Porfirio Diaz, President of the Republic of Mexico, has done more toward developing the re- sources of Mexico and bringing her up to the front rank among the nations of the world, than all of his pre- BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 253 decessors combined. May peace and progress attend Mexico and her people always ! FRANCE. The name of Lafayette is a golden link which holds France sacred in the memory of the hearts of the American people. Bartholdi, whose Statue of Liberty adorns New York harbor, with its light of welcome and equal rights and justice for all, is a gift of the French people to America, the sight of which con- stantly keeps warm the heart of every American citi- zen toward France and her people. RUSSIA. No nation in Europe has made greater strides of progress in the past fifty years than has Russia. She is very much alive, and is growing stronger and healthier daily. One of these days there will be a war in Europe, and when it is over Russia will have a little more territory. Whether there should be a war or not, she is after it, anyway. GERMANY. No race of people that ever came to our shores has done more toward the practical development of the internal resources of America than the Germans. Wherever you see a German colony there you will find progress and industry. Success to Germany and the German people for evermore. SPAIN AND ITALY. It is nip and tuck between Spain and Italy, who 254 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. will get there first. But the question arises whither are they bound? IRELAND. The national peculiarity about the Irishman is that if there is anything to be done he's among the first in it and the last to leave, especially in politics and war. No better soldier ever shouldered a musket than an Irishman. He never knows when he is licked, and even when wounded to the death, will declare that he wore himself out licking the enemy. Among the most prosperous and industrious of our business men to-day, who have built up enormous enterprises, giv- ing employment to thousands of wage-earners, are the Sons of the Emerald Isle. AULD SCOTIA'S SONS. Probably the finest human stock that ever appeared on the earth are the Scotch. They are certainly among the first to take hold of everything for the good and welfare of mankind. Industrious, sincere and speculative, they yet use wonderful discretion in what they undertake. As soldiers and citizens there are none better. THE "CHOSEN PEOPLE." The Jews are a thrifty, hustling race, who make money where others would starve to death. Be it said, to their credit, we rarely see a Jew tramp or a beggar. In banking, finance and commerce, Hebrews are in the front rank. THE HONEST HOLLANDER. A people who don't say much, but get there and stay there, as a rule, are the Dutch of Holland. BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. 255 They are very conservative and as economical and in- dustrious as bees. The finest-looking women in Europe are to be found in Holland. CENTRAL AND SOUTH AMERICA. . We need a continental dollar, good for its face value » from Alaska to Patagonia, Canada, Mexico, Central and South America, the inhabitants of which countries are all Americans, in the sense that they, like the United States, go to make up the population of the American Continent. We are, in truth, all Americans in this sense, and should stand by one another, our interests being mutual. THAT APPLE. It is the opinion of this Court, after a fair and im- partial trial, lasting thousands of years, that, in the case of Eve versus the snake, the aforesaid serpent was not in it, and therefore not guilty. It was a mu- tual affair between Adam and Eve, who were equally interested in tasting of the fruit of the tree of know- ledge. That's all. A FIT CLOSING TO OUR CENTURY. In justice to the red man we should elect the fol- lowing Presidential Ticket ; and we also name the an- nexed Presidential family for the closing administra- tion of the Nineteenth Century : For President. Red Cloud. For Vice-President. Running Antelope. Secretary of State. Gieronimo. 2$6 BARBY COEY'S PHILOSOPHY. Secretary of War. Little Wound. Secretary of the Navy. American Horse. Secretary of the Treasury. Chief Joseph. Secretary of Agriculture. Rain in the Face. Secretary of the Interior, Rocky Bear. Attorney General. Spotted Tail. Post Master General. Big Road. THE LAST CHAPTER, IN ANSWER TO WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR. Now, my dear friends, we have come to the last chapter of this work, and in conclusion I desire to im- press upon your minds the all-important truth of life, and that is that this world is only one of many of God's nurseries for propagating human beings for the purpose of peopling heaven. It is not likely that I shall have the pleasure of meeting personally the millions of readers of this book, although I would like to, therefore let us have an understanding that we shall meet and become personally acquainted at our mutual mansion in the skies, there to live in peace and joy forever. Our first life is here on earth. The second is hereafter, the crowning glory of the first. This is what we are here for and what it is all about. Sincerely Your Friend, Barby Coey. I ],ti&fm60*; 'a&Sfr™ ■M^ A, AaAA^ V aAa£A, a r^^A /W** •^AA>» ~* 3ffl««iA^ V^VA *fi*AM/**A^tfWW> . ^'^./"a' ,M M >AAAA>A>fr"? r*^^*^ W*AA Wte^Mi&tofiAfa. ***** WW ? Wfatfwtffo*** mm A M Mt #^M^ll^«to§5 '->-:' ^;:->"'>;;«9«/Mft ~m»*& y~\ ;M-^ -■■"■ -'."""" " •^j&u'afl&w wftifa *wm Mm***: ;