mttt ■ ■k^t; ^k ^gr 3 * -*fc* **" < «ss3 |Spc~j ^^S^e^339EHE°»!~^9 <3| *■ « «C_ SeiQ, thorny arguments, which it is hy no means pleasant to lay hold of ; still, since they really are a furze bush to the British Lion's tail, they ought to be appended. I say, then, that, apart from our own sense of what is right, we can perceive the necessity of ignorance in women, when we find it argued down by Papists. What says Fenelon, an arch- deceiver, for was he not a Roman Catholic arch- bishop ? " It is ignorance," he says, "which renders women frivolous." He describes in a highly disre- spectful manner female education, and then goes on rudely : " Idleness and weakness being thus united to ignorance, there arises from this union a pernicious taste for amusements. Girls brought up in this idle way have an ill-regulated imagination. Their curiosity, not being directed to substantial things, is turned towards vain and dangerous objects. They read books which nourish their vanity, and become passionately fond of romances, comedies, and fanciful adventures. Their minds become visionary ; they accustom themselves to the extravagant language of the heroines of romance." Screech. Well, sir, and is everything to be mechanical, — are all minds to go clothed in frieze, with a foot-rule sticking obtrusively out of the mind's pocket ? May not the pretty nonsense of our fairy damsels, their delightful enthusiasm, their emphatic little billets, in which every delicious, heavenly, or THE LADIES' DRAWING ROOM. 93 barbarous Nothing is ecstatically underlined, may they not still give innocent delight ? Zumacaya. They may, sir, and they will : No Popery. While we are talking of this sort of people, it will be well to note how this benighted dignitary of the Romish Church, supports another false and specious cry raised by our enemies. Just hear Fenelon's notions about education, and you may well hold up your hands and mutter, he was born two hundred years ago : " The greatest defect of common educa- tion is, that we are in the habit of putting pleasure all on one side, and weariness on the other ; all weariness in study, all pleasure in idleness. Let us try to change this association ; let us render study agreeable ; let us present it under the aspect of liberty and pleasure ; let us sometimes permit study to be interrupted by little sallies of gaiety. These interruptions are necessary to relax the mind." Again, " An austere and imperious air must be avoided, except in cases of extreme necessity, for children are generally timid and bashful. Make them love you ; let them be free with you ; let them not hide their thoughts from you. Be indulgent to those who conceal nothing from you. It is true, that this treatment will enforce less the restraint of fear, but it will produce confidence. We must always commence with a conduct open, gay." Ulula. What next, I wonder, after a gay school- master or schoolmistress ! Can we contrive a climax? 94 A DEFENCE OF IGNORANCE. Zumacaya. yes, if we go among the Unitarians, we shall find folly quite as rife. This is how Channing talks, one of the lights of a sect certainly not Christian : " Honour man from the beginning to the end of his earthly course. Honour the child. Welcome into being the infant, with a feeling of its mysterious grandeur, with the feeling that an immortal existence has begun, that a spirit has been kindled which is never to be quenched. Honour the child. On this principle all good educa- tion rests. Never shall we learn to train up the child till we take it in our arms, as Jesus did, and feel distinctly that ' of such is the kingdom of Heaven.'" In that short sentence is taught the spirit of the true system of education ; and for want of understanding it, little effectual aid, I fear, is yet Buho. Fire and fury ! I have cut myself paring my thumb-nail. You, Screech, why did you dare me to do it ? Screech. I will pull some nap out of your hat, — ah ! you have court plaster, and your hat, I dare say, is of silk. Aziola. I don't like hats, do you ? nobody does. Is it not odd that we have persevered in wearing hats until beavers — which, to the mere naturalist, are peculiarly interesting — have almost become extinct — and this in deference to habit, every man against his own conviction. Well, sir, if custom be so THE LADIES* DRAWING ROOM. 95 powerful in ordering the furniture outside our heads, in spite of us, it will prevail no less in maintaining those internal fittings to which men have been for centuries accustomed, and with which we are content. Screech. Mr. Chairman, the young gentleman at the bottom of the table has intimated to me that his father's house is next door to a ladies' school, and that he has observations to communicate. Ulula. Precisely what we want. The Owlet. The name of the school is Ulula. To be disguised in your notes, Mr. Se- cretary. Screech. Certainly, sir ; I take great pains to avoid using other people's names. The Owlet. Moira House Seminary, kept by three sisters, the Misses Mimminipimmin. Miss Clotho, the elder, is a good disciplinarian, who teaches what are called the usual branches of an English education. Miss Atropos is somewhat good-tempered, and super- intends the housekeeping department. Miss Lachesis, the youngest, differs from her sisters in not wearing a cap, and is the general instructor in things elegant. If you had been with me last night, when I peeped through the school-room window, which opens upon our yard, you would have seen the two remaining teachers. They were eating bread and butter, and drinking small beer, by the light of a dip candle; for last night the Misses M. had company. Six ladies in a fly drank tea with them, I know ; and so 96 A DEFENCE OF IGNORANCE. the teachers, of course, had their supply sent to them down-stairs. You would have been amused, had you been with me ! One, a comely maiden, has a sweet- heart somewhere labouring to earn her for his wife, a fact at which Miss Lachesis especially is aggra- vated. And certainly that teacher, as Miss Lachesis has said to me, is quite unfit for her position. Her thoughts are evidently all abroad : she lets the chil- dren play, and has no nerve for discipline ; indeed, as Miss Clotho says, she is too young. Last night, she was eating her bread and butter with a good- tempered face, while Mademoiselle Mignon — she is but a sickly little thing — was choking over the small beer. Mademoiselle is far away from home, and has no lover to hear her complaints. She did not know how much I overheard of them ; but the French are so ridiculously sensitive. The school, from what Miss Clotho says, I know to be exceedingly well-regulated. Of course nothing male, except u approved good masters," can intrude upon the perfect femininity of that establishment, I strictly believe that they use female writing, female arithmetic Ulula. Which every husband knows to be beyond male comprehension The Owlet. And female grammar — the existence of a masculine gender being denied, or suppressed, in every language. But I can only guess at these things. It is true, indeed, that I have some- THE LADIES' DRAWING ROOM. 97 times endeavoured to peep through the window during school-time ; but the elevation of my head above the compo-horizon of the window-sill, has caused such instantaneous stir and titter among all the young ladies, as if indeed their eyes had all been most attentive to the window at the time of popping up my head, that I have been too glad to pop it down again before Miss Clotho saw me. I, too, feel some terror at Miss Clotho. After my last attempt at such a peep, while I was creeping off, I heard Miss Clotho 's tongue busily punishing the English gover- ness for suffering the children to make a commotion ; so I know that she can scold a full-grown person, and I do not wish to come under the stroke of her jaw-bone. Peeping about a ladies school is very pleasant notwithstanding. Out of a garret window I can look down upon a corner of their garden, and when the girls, in play-time, are not walking in procession through the country, I can see them there. It is an extraordinary fact, that all these girls seem some- times to go mad. Whether it has anything to do with the moon I do not know. Civetta. It may be so. " Kirckringius knew a young gentlewoman " who was at new moon only skin and bone, and stirred not out of doors ; but as the moon grew she gathered flesh, until at the full of the moon she went abroad commanding of all men admiration for her plumpness and exceeding beauty. 98 A DEFENCE OF IGNORANCE. The Owlet. Young gentlewomen being thus sen- sitive to lunar influence, it may be to the moon that I must look for the reason why there should come every now and then a day when the young ladies, commonly so tranquil, scamper up and down the walks, shriek, jump, yea climb upon the walls, while the French governess and the English governess struggle in vain against the fever ; and it seems as though all the Queen's riot acts and all the Queen's men could 'nt restore quiet to those girls again. Twice, however, I have seen an instantaneous calm follow the tempest, and have each time observed in a few minutes, that Miss Clotho came into the garden dressed as from walk. Commonly, however, all is tranquil. Civetta. As it should be in an academic grove. With graceful gestures little hoops are being launched from sticks ; or knots of girls with delicate complexions, shunning the spring sun, sit under the " Laburnums, dropping wells of fire," from which they do not apprehend a scorching. Others in pairs pace up and down with meditative steps, and earnestly conversing look extremely confidential. Arms interlaced bespeak in these — " The tender friendships made 'twixt heart and heart, "When the dear friends have nothing to impart." Far from that ; — I would scorn it, sir ; — you are quite wrong ; I am not sneering at this tenderness. Brisk or steady, young or old, and whether in a THE LADIES' DRAWING ROOM. 99 state of natural simplicity, ignorant, or sophisticated, there is something in every woman at which no true man can laugh. In the sweet honied flow of youth there is a charm, some part of which is not lost, although time and careless keeping should induce acetous fermentation, as they often do. In the most vinegary woman there is still a flavour of the warm sun on the fruit. The man who blames our friends up- stairs as frivolous, acknowledges that any one of them has that within her which can make her stronger than a strong man in the spirit of endurance and self-sacrifice. Ulula. And we who love the frivolous will own even of learned women, that if they be unfit for partners, they are very fit for friends. Civetta. A bit of pure air sticks about a woman, let her go where she may, and be she who she may ; the girl most deeply sunk in misery and vice retains it, and can rise by it when opportunity shall come. A little creature lives far out at sea upon the gulf-weed, — Litiopa is its name, — often there comes a wave that sweeps it from its hold and forces it into the deep. It carries down with it an air-bubble, and glues to this a thread which, as the bubble rise3 to the surface, it extends. The little bit of air, before it breaks out of its film, floats on the water, and is soon attracted by the gulf-weed, towards which it runs and fastens alongside ; up comes the Litiopa by her thread then, and regains the seat for which she was created. A bit of pure air sticks like this about all women ; h 2 100 A DEFENCE OF IGNORANCE. from the Queen on her throne, down to the world- abandoned creature on the pavement. Bcho. Prosy, sir ! Screech. Not at all. Suffer me to observe that in greasing your hair you have allowed a drop to fall upon that elegant blue satin waistcoat. Considered in one point of view, it may be filthy for men or women to make their heads look like a sop in the pan, but I am not so narrow-minded that I cannot see a case like this in all its bearings. With you I defile my head on principle, to support a branch of female manufacture. Were our heads in a cleaner condition, there would be no need for those fancy cloths which ladies throw over our chairs and couches to protect them from defilement by themselves and us, anti- hog 's-larders or anti-macassars. Protection is re- quired for our crochet- workers. The object at Moira House has been to educate young ladies in such elegant accomplishments as shall not hurt their brains. Our object is to put down learned women. Setting aside all other obvious objections, it is enough to say that we cannot afford to have our women's brains well filled. If they begin to stick pins into us at our own fireside, in the shape of all manner of familiar allusions to Godegisile, to Verazzani, or the Chickahominies, what will become of us, what shall we do ? we can no longer presume upon wise hums and hahs. Well- informed silence may be practised out of doors, but at the family dinner we should be dragged daily at the THE LADIES' DRAWING ROOM. 101 tail of a wife's conversational chariot ; for what a Woman knows, and something more, she will inevitahly talk about. Civetta. In such an event, there would be no alternative left for us but to imitate the practice of the weak forts on the coast of Barbary, which, when a ship is entering their harbour, send on board a request that she will be so good as to abstain from firing, because if the fortress be compelled to return any salute, it will be forced to do so at the risk of knocking its own walls to pieces. Screech. The object of instructing ladies in crochet, knitting, working upon cloth and velvet, is to enable them to occupy their vacant moments in a harm- less manner. Hour after hour, the fingers twist me- chanically upon wool, when they might be dangerously occupied with pen or pencil, and the eyes bent upon Mrs. Warren's pictures of slippers and polka jackets, are prevented from discovering how many hours might be employed in musty book-work. The cover of a music-stool (result of a month's leisure) may be worth half-a-crown more than the materials employed in it ; but the gain of the working lady has not been the mere half-crown ; she has gained emancipation from all tedious occupation ; she has protected that innocence, that sweet simplicity of brain, which makes the charm of female conversation, and causes us so frequently to feel, however little we may know that we unbend when talking to a woman. 102 A DEFENCE OF IGNORANCE. Ulula. Other accomplishments there are which lead a few fair students, now and then, beyond our bounds ; but that is not their object, nor is it usually their result. Drawing, for example, is not taught, I hope, and, judging from results, I think, with a desire to awaken, through the eye, the intellect to spiritual thoughts, though some misguided women make exceptions of themselves. Ladies learn drawing, as they learn crochet, to give mechanical employment to their fingers, which shall not engage their brains. If they sketch from nature, it is very well ; for gentlemen can hold their pencils while they receive, without awkwardness, the flattery for which, of course, all women were created. Naked truth is to be looked at only by the coarser sex. It is not intended that the eye shall perceive more than the lines and colours to be imitated ; and the landscape is worked upon paper with different tools, indeed, but with the same feeling as if it were a watchpocket, or kettle-holder. Paintings from nature, however, are in less request than large chalk heads and little album drawings, famous for the careful delicacy of the finger-work, and the complete absence of thought. Dear femininities ! of which the dearest are those gorgeous little birds perched upon pencil marks, whose only habitat appears to be the album, and which arc hatched out of no eggs but those which Mr. Newman sells in nests of rosewood or mahogany. Screech. Then music is most wisely taught on the THE LADIES' DRAWING ROOM. 103 same principle. Music, as an intellectual pursuit, would be a bore in woman. A wife who strums Lieder ohne Worte, and looks down upon your taste for the Drum Polka, will not do for you, my dear sir, at any price. Thanks to a judicious plan of education, such an affliction rarely falls to a man's share. The use of music, as of drawing, is that it occupies only the fingers. It is better than drawing, because it is an art exercised in full dress ; a gentleman turns over the leaves instead of holding the pencils, so far they are much the same ; but the voice is audible in all parts of the room, and can be admired by more people at the same time, than a drawing which can be seen only by two or three together. The words of songs, being moreover for the most part asseverations of great tenderness of heart, and capability of reciprocating an attachment, are convenient for the purpose of advertising to all gentlemen, in a sufficiently loud key, An eligible Heart to Let ; while the post of observation occupied upon the music-stool invites all people to inspect the premises. Many a heart, in fact, has been engaged upon the faith of such adver- tisements, and many happy marriages have followed upon such engagements. Aziola. Such triumphs, and the time got rid of in the finger-work of practising, are the great objects of music, as it is taught by the Mimminipimmins. That any of the young ladies sent out of their school care whether they hear Fidelio or Lucia di 104 A DEFENCE OF IGNORANCE. Lammermoor, when they go to the opera, is doubtful ; if they have a choice, I think they prefer Lucia, which is presented to them at the Haymarket, year after year, while Fidelio has only just been raked out of a dusty corner in the operatic lumber-room. Donizetti certainly is quite the ladies' man. Civetta. Languages, too, are taught at Moira House, but as accomplishments, of course. Considered as acquirements, they are used by bookish, dusty men to widen the range of their reading in poetry, history, science, or whatsoever their hobby may be. But ladies are lost if they ride hobbies, and they have none, if a few ideas about the moon in a drawer up-stairs, and some enthusiasm about Byron, be not sufficient to convict them of a taste for poetry. Languages to them, therefore, are not acquirements, but accomplishments. They are Italian and French. Italian is used as subsidiary to piano performance ; it is the language of Donizetti, and it is the medium through which other nations ought to speak. It is the language in which Beethoven's Adelaide ought to be sung. And I dare say, " mein lieber Augustin," it is the language in which you may figure as Mio caro Agosti-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i i-i-no.* Italian is also important as the language, not of * For the other i's and hyphens we want space. Would they be acceptable in a companion volume ? Of such a publication, since no writer would expect anything for its composition, a very thick lump could be sold for a few shillings. Singers are ap- THE LADIES' DRAWING ROOM. 105 Dante or Ariosto, but of the opera libretti. French is to ladies almost more important than Italian, as it is the language of their common life. I do not mean that they speak French entirely ; they have not been taught to do that, and it is not fit that they should. Nor, indeed, can their brains work it off in fragments through the medium of ordinary conversation ; in the hurry of speaking they remember very tiny bits of it, if we compare their spoken with their written language. Civetta. The written language of the women of England is a great subject and will be treated in full by future antiquaries in America when writing about ancient England. It is the finishing touch of delicate flattery that we not only are allowed the relaxation of considering ourselves clever when we talk to ladies ; but the dear creatures tumble helplessly before us in their letters ; and confess themselves unable even to express their thoughts in any single tongue. Buho, my dear fellow, we are friends ; I never get three- cornered notes, but you do ; show me one. Ah, there 's a good fellow ! I will not betray your con- fidence ; you have one about you I can see. No, I will not betray your confidence. Do, please ; the little pink one that just peeps out of your splendid plauded, and paid also, when they issue flourishes in a considerable volume ; but the Printer, doubtful whether the same favour would extend to him, desires the guarantee of a subscription list. Parties desirous of purchasing a thick book devoted exclusively to flourish, are requested, therefore, to apply personally or by letter to the Devil, at the Printer's office. 106 A DEFENCE OF IGNORANCE. waistcoat pocket ; I know you are engaged to Miss G., and ought not to show her notes, but I dare say- that one has nothing in it. Thank you, the argument, I thought, would be convincing. What a strong perfume musk is ! you might use the lady's notes to scent your clothes drawer. Never thought of that ? yes, to be sure ; of course it 's a good idea. Ah, now, how prettily this lisps along ! " Mon cher, Je fus vexed que je was not at home ce soir. Callez demain, mon petit, at the same heure, and I shall be heureuse. Addio. Yotre. Margue- rite Green." Ulula. Why, that was last night. Did you see her, and did she tell you nothing about coming hither ? It is very odd ; she is sure to be up-stairs. Buho. I propose that this meeting do adjourn. Ulula. But, gentlemen, I told my wife, distinctly, that we should remain here in the dining-room, because we had important business to discuss. Shall we permit our characters to be stained with inconsistency? Moreover, I notice that they have not been dancing for some time. All is quite still. Buho. I propose that this meeting do adjourn. Screech. Impatient Buho ! Well, you show your sense at any rate in seeking a young wife, why should you not ? Besides Miss Green acknowledges to thirty-one, and you are, I imagine, fifty-five ; so there is only a difference of ten years at the utmost ; for it is another sweet acknowledgment of female THE LADIES' DRAWING ROOM. 107 ignorance, that ladies, like the savages, cannot count higher than twenty, and so, after twenty two or three, become confused about their ages. Dear creatures ! how much more to our purpose all this is, than that a girl should be kept at home and trained to know all about Titian, to tease us with classic music, to dance with gaiety as if it were a frolic, talk about Spenser, Calderon, Tasso, Schiller, Moliere, as if they were her common gossiping acquaintance, and look cross at our soft nothings meant to natter her ! How much better this is, than that girls and boys, till puberty, should study side by side, and after puberty the girls continue studying for years more, under what the cant of the day calls the guidance of an earnest man at home ! Aziola. No doubt the Education-mongers think that it will matter little whether man or woman be the teacher, when there shall be what he would recognise as a supply of women competent to teach. Women there are about the country, and not few, who have been shameless enough to forget their sex, and transgress customary rules. There are women who have gained for themselves an infamous notoriety as successful naturalists, students of fine art, or — to use another hack term — sterling writers ; and there are in private life a great many strong-minded women, who claim what they call a just position in society. Civetta. There are many, sir, of these no doubt ; but do not fear ; measured beside our population, 108 A DEFENCE OF IGNORANCE. they are few. For centuries they will be few, for our opponents cannot get at them wholesale. Dull books they very properly refuse to read, and your human progress publications are insufferably dull. Spoken to they cannot be, for any language except flattery would be insulting to a lady's ear. They might indeed be hooted out of some few habits by small boys, according to the device employed, Mon- strelet tells us, by a friar, who paid little ragamuffins with pennies and pardons for running after any lady in a steeple head-dress. The friar had spent his eloquence in vain against the strength of fashion, but the boys soon achieved their triumph, and the ladies brought their steeples to the church, where the priest made a bonfire of them. But, except upon a few exter- nal matters, in our case the small-boy-cautery is quite impossible. Arm in arm with the ladies we can look our rivals boldly in the face. Beauty's faith is plighted to us, and she will be true. Ulula. Buho, you are impatient for that arm in arm. For my own part, I disapprove of this abandon- ment of principle. Here is a deep trick of my wife's to tantalise us, when she knows that I distinctly said we should not go up-stairs. Buho. I propose that this meeting do adjourn. The Owlet. I second. Screech. There can be no doubt, Mr. Chairman, that when you put this motion it will be unanimously carried. Nevertheless, my opinion is, that on appear- THE LADIES' DRAWING ROOM. 109 ing in the drawing-room we shall look very foolish. We have heard many arrivals, and a whole autumn of rustling Civetta. And the present stillness is portentous. We might be in the centre of a hurricane. Ulula, what do you say ? Ulula. Since Buho presses his motion, and the public feeling is in favour of its being carried, I can only acquiesce. I would propose, however, that we be not too precipitate. Let us adjourn in the first place softly to the first-floor lauding, where, perhaps, our young friend will again peep, and ascertain the reason of this stillness. Civetta. Very good, sir ; and that having been ascertained, we constitute you Patamankowe. Ulula. What in the world is that ? Civetta. The Patamankowe is a chief of Boni in Celebes, whose actions all beholders are obliged to imitate. When he sits they sit, and when he stands they stand, if he wipe his nose they wipe their noses. If he hunt and get a fall, all who ride hunting with him fall when he does ; when he bathes the whole court bathes, and any passer-by, who sees him bath- ing, must immediately plunge, clothes and all, into the water. When we see you plunge into the drawing- room, we are prepared to follow, sir. We regulate ourselves by you. Ulula. Well, follow softly, then. They seem to have no gentlemen, and they have been dancing only 110 A DEFENCE OF IGNORANCE. by fits. * * * Listen ! It is all perfectly still, yet certainly they are not gone. The Owlet. Here is certainly some mystery. Hush ; don't cough ; I can see nothing through the keyhole. Ulttla. Surely they are gone, yet how they went without our hearing them I cannot comprehend ! Hush ! Let me open the door quietly and peep. I cannot hear a sound. Hush ! Draw my head back in a hurry ? I should think so. 'Tis as dangerous as peeping in upon Miss Clotho's schoolroom. Well, I think I was not seen. What this assembly means I cannot in the remotest way imagine. There is a large party of ladies all at one end of the room, sitting on chairs and ottomans and at each other's feet, working on slippers, socks, watchpockets, and so forth ; my wife sits on a high chair among them like a president, at work on an enormous patchwork counterpane. Three musi- cians in a corner by themselves are the only men, and I suppose they are there that the ladies may dance now and then when they get tired. They are evidently bent upon some conspiracy, which is to be carried out by means of knitting-pins and needles. We had better go down stairs again. That is my wife's step. She saw me and thought I beckoned, no doubt. Hide in the back-room for one minute. She thinks I have something to tell her. Farther off ! she is at the door. THE LADIES' DRAWING ROOM. Ill You may come forward, my dear friends, we are forgiven, — thanked. This is a first meeting of the Dove Association ; Margaret is there, and the ladies will permit you to be present, although gentlemen have been excluded by the rules. The good creatures thought they could have also their committee, and desiring universal peace, have formed a Peace Asso- ciation, called the Doves. These ladies will meet at stated times to work for the great cause. With the produce of their toil it is their plan to furnish a bazaar ; and whether they succeed or not, will you not kiss the little satin slippered feet, that wish to stamp the cannons into powder ? The Select Committee for the Defence of Igno- rance co-operated during the remainder of the evening with the Dove Association, under the presidency of the three musicians. The Secretary, however, begs to state, that when called upon to produce a report, it was thought better, by the Dove Association, that the piece should not be loaded with a ball. The ladies, also, have forbidden him to state at what hour the proceedings terminated. They gain no end by this, for any one can draw his own conclusion. THE END. LONDON : BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. 8 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 014 526 119 3 « ra 5ei .. > .