PR 6013 .R18 D4 ''I 1909 Copy iiiiii liiiiii : . DEPORTMENTAL DITTIES HARRY GRAHAM mmgrngatm Class \' r ■ . ,/ COPYRIGHT DEPOSm Deportmental Ditties Works by the Same Autho r RUTHLESS RHYMES FOR HEARTLESS HOMES BALLADS OF THE BOER WAR BABY'S BAEDEKER PERVERTED PROVERBS MISREPRESENTATIVE MEN MORE MISREPRESENTATIVE MEN VERSE AND WORSE FISCAL BALLADS MISREPRESENTATIVE WOMEN FAMILIAR FACES A SONG-GARDEN FOR CHILDREN A GROUP OF SCOTTISH WOMEN ^-^ And facetious friends start heaving Rice and boots.'* See page 4g DEPORTMENTAL DITTIES By Harry Graham pictures by Gordon Grant NEW YORK DuFFiELD & Company MCMIX Copyright, 1909, by ' ' DUFFIELD & COMPANY Published, October, igog THE UNIVERSITY PRESS, CAMBRIDGE, U. S. A. 251089 Contents PAGE I. Birth 3 II. Childhood 13 III. The Choice of a Profession .... 23 IV. The Proposal ZS V. Marriage 45 VI. Table Manners 5^ VII. Politeness . *. 63 VIII. Dancing 69 IX. At Sea 79 X. Invitations 85 XI. On the Road lOi XII. Forms of Address 105 XIII. Presence of Mind 115 XIV. Discrimination . . . . , » . • . 123 XV.' Tact . , , c , . . 127 List of Illustrations ' ' An^ facetious friends start heaving Rice and boots'' frontispiece FACING PAGE ** What a lifelong education underlies the reputation For a pleasant * bedside manner !' "" 29 '^Disguised in coonskins, like his ^ shover^"* He seems more Golliwog than lover T' .... c ... 39 * * If asparagus or artichokes be handed^ Do not view them with a terror-stricken eye'' . . . ... . 57 Deportmental Ditties Deportmental Ditties Birth THE worldly child who wishes to succeed Must exercise profound prenatal tact. The choice of proper parents is, indeed, A most important act; Since errors in the matter of selection Do not admit of subsequent correction. 3 BIRTH So, when for future forbears you arrange, Be sure you get a father that will suit, Remember, please, that you can never change, Nor find a substitute; For if you are dissatisfied with Mother, You cannot send her back and have another. The thoughtful babe invariably takes The very greatest pains about his birth. And shows intense discretion when he makes His advent upon Earth. BIRTH So don't arrive too early in the morning, Nor yet omit to give sufficient warning. And when in Nurse's elbow you are placed, Don't pucker up your brow and whim- per, please; But bow to her politely from the waist. This puts her at her ease. (Reserve your smiles till later, lest she question The soundness of your infantile digestion.^ Once having condescended to appear. Embrace the first occasion to disclose BIRTH The gratifying fact that you (poor dearly Have got your father's nose. You thus avert ill-timed recriminations Between your two most intimate relations. A schoolfellow of mine had sable hair — Coal-blacky indeed^ it might almost be called; His mother^ on the other hand^ was fair ^ His father nearly bald. To please them both^ this tactful little fellow Shaved half his head^ and dyed the rem7i.a?it yellow I 6 BIRTH A youthful Jewess^ too^ I used to know^ Whose nasal profile^ like some ancient Greek' s^ Was straight and slim and regular^ although Her parents both had beaks. Poor child I Her brothers gazed at her with pity^ T'hen^ linking noses ^ hastened to the City. When elderly relations dodder in, And thoughtlessly refer to you as " It," Thrust skinny fingers underneath your chin (K foolish form of wit,^ BIRTH And dangle bits of jewelry before you, Don't let them see how dreadfully they bore you. And when a kind of '^baby-talk" they try (" As ^'grown-ups" quite invariably do^, Be ready with some suitable reply, As "Ta!" or ^'Googlyoo!" And let them find their own interpretations For such occult and cryptic observations. For one will say: "Oh, is n't he a dear? He's asking for his grandpa's watch and chain!" 8 BIRTH Another: "Listen! Fancy! Did you hear? He called for poor Aunt Jane!" While all agree delightedly that never Was any babe so talkative and clever! When funny Uncle Frank, in accents rude, Makes comments on your total lack of hair, Adopt a free-and-easy attitude, As though you didn't care; And suffer w^ith the very best of graces Aunt Martha's damp and wearisome embraces. BIRTH And when some stranger picks you up to kiss, Don't ululate or struggle or protest, Nor choose an awkward moment such as this To slobber on his chest. You've no desire to multiply his troubles, And this is not the time for blowing bubbles. Be patient with your elders, then, I pray; Their intellects don't hastily condemn; lO BIRTH They once were like yourself, and you, some day, Will much resemble them. Each moonlike face that causes you to scream so Is really human, though it may not seem so. For Life has compensations Mh ! how true!). While clouds have silver linings under- neath! And father, who has far less hair than you, II BIRTH And even fewer teeth, May yet, with wider caliber of throttle, Be just as much addicted to the bottle. MORAL The Moral is as plain as morals may be To any shrewd and perspicacious baby. 12 II Childhood T O establish a foundation Of authentic information On the subject of behaviour in the nursery, Little children of all ages Should accord these priceless pages A perusal that is anything but cursory. Here 's a vintage undiluted Of advice and admonition. CHILDHOOD Which is eminently suited To both pauper and patrician. Learn, my readers, to keep quiet, To refrain from noise and riot ; Treat your elders and your betters with civility. When your boots are wet and muddy, Don't invade your father's study And arouse him from the slumbers of senility. (An incorrigible slattern 14 CHILDHOOD Is the urchin who imprints his Dirty footprints on the pattern Of the brand-new boudoir chintzes!) Ev'ry infant should endeavour To be rather good than clever^ Wiih a charming and unselfish personality; To remember that politeness Is more popular than brightness, And intelligence less pleasing than morality. For a welcome warm awaits you If you chance to be a "zany," 15 CHILDHOOD But the world distrusts and hates you If you're what is known as " brainy." I've an uncle ^ stout and jolly ^ Who'^s completely "off his trolley'' — As for intellect or brains^ he hasnt got any ; But he yachts^ and bets ^ and races ^ Goes to ''Monte'' and such places^ And he drinks a bit^ to vary the monotony. To the smartest country-houses i6 CHILDHOOD He obtains immediate entry ^ W^here in comfort he carouses IVith nobility and gentry. While my cousin in the City^ Who is wonderfully witty — His accomplishments and ''parlour tricks'' are numerous : He can si?igj and play the fiddle^ Solve acrostics^ ask a riddle^ And do other things^ if possible^ more humorous — Has been brutally ejected 17 CHILDHOOD From Society s dominions^ yust because he is suspected Of polygamous opinions! Be considerate of others, Of your sisters and your brothers; Do not balance loaded sponges on the door for them. With your playmates never grapple To secure the largest apple: If you get it, always treasure up the core for them. Keep your hands a trifle cleaner, i8 CHILDHOOD And your finger-nails unbitten, And afFect the meek demeanour Of an unassuming kitten. Never enter without knocking, Never wear a drooping stocking, Never greet your parent's counsel with hilarity ; Never mingle cake and butter, Never dabble in the gutter, Nor do anything that savours of vul- garity. 'Tis unseemly for a bantling 19 CHILDHOOD To make tactless observations, Which may send the blushes mantling O'er the cheeks of his relations. Never ask your uncle Moses If the colour of his nose is Artificial, manufactured, or inherited. When your elderly Aunt Lizzie Is unusually busy, Do not badger her with booby-traps unmerited. (If you soak her wig in whisky, 20 CHILDHOOD 'Twill ensure her feeling flus- tered ; But to make her really frisky You should fill her boots with mustard.) Hold your tongues, if you are able, More especially at table, Which is not the place for juvenile loquacity. Grown-up folks are "kittle cattle/* And they tire of childish prattle Unredeemed by any symptoms of sagacity. 21 CHILDHOOD If it lies 'twixt you and Father To provide your guests with chatter, Please remember they would rather That you left it to the latter ! 22 Ill The Choice of a Profession A FTER leaving school or college, with AJm the scanty stock ot knowledge -^ -^- Which a popular academy provides, You can take a hand at poker, swell the chorus at a " smoker," Kick a football, and do other things besides ; ' 23 THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION And, in spite of contradiction, you may cherish the conviction — A conviction which I shortly hope to shatter — That the choice of a profession, if effected with discretion, Is a simple sort of matter. For the youthful and the active there is nothing more attractive Than the soldier's gay and glitter- ing attire; 24 THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION But before you join the Service, pray be certain that your nerve is Fully fitted to support you "under fire/' And don't let your comrades find you, with your weapons cast be- hind you Drawing courage fi-om a surrepti- tious flagon, Having sought for safety quickest « where the bullets were the thickest," In the ammunition wagon ! 25 THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION If your love of disputation makes you fancy the vocation Of those gentlemen who practise at the Bar, You will find, at the beginning, that the wages take some winning, And that prizes are both few be- tween and far ; When a brief makes no appearance, simple dogged perseverance Is the quality most likely to ensnare it. While if clients are persistent in remaining cold and distant, 26 THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION You must merely grin and bear it! Should you dream of competition with the surgeon or physician Who has patients ever flocking to his gates, Who discovers new diseases just as often as he pleases, And removes a friend's appendix " while he waits," Recollect what years of training must be occupied in gaining 27 THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION The adroitness of the competent trepanner, What a lifelong education underlies the reputation For a pleasant "bedside manner!" As a parson is your heart set on admonish- ing the Smart Set ? Pulpit eloquence, alas! is poorly paid, And your most impassioned sermon will descend (like dew of Hermon) On a sleeping congregation, I 'm afraid. 28 '-'-What a lifelong education underlies the reputation For a pleasant '-bedside manner!* ^^ THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION Since the income of a pastor is not that of Mr. Astor, He must practise the most parsi- monious habits, With his " quiver full of arrows " that are numerous as sparrows And as ravenous as rabbits ! If you, finally, would rather seek to emu- late your father. And become, like him, a self-made millionaire, There are difficulties here, too, since the plutocrat's career, too, 31 THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION Is an intricate and troublesome affair; For you have to wrench their money (^like a bee extracting honey) From such persons as it happens to belong to, And the growth of public feeling against any form of stealing Is both prevalent and strong, too. Then a simple life of pleasure, as a '' gen- tleman of leisure," Is the proper kind for ev'ryone to lead, 32 THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION With a dash of dissipation, just by way of relaxation, And a " brainstorm " to account for each misdeed; And the youth of one-and-twenty who has luxuries in plenty, And whose balance at the bank continues healthy, Will confirm my own impression that the pleasantest profession Is professing to be wealthy! 33 IV The Proposal IN distant pre-Victorian days, When sentiment was still the fashion, And lovers chose becoming ways To advertise their passion, The etiquette prescribed by Cupid Was not considered dull or stupid. The ardent suitor of that date, . Who sought a maiden's hand in marriage, 35 THE PROPOSAL Would drive in state to her front-gate, In his ancestral carriage ; And thence, with mien correct and knightly, Proceed to pay his court politely. When Strephon doffed his beaver hat. And humbly knelt before his goddess, Poor Chloe's heart went pit-a-pat In her brocaded bodice; And while he cut these courtly capers. She shrieked and swooned and had ^^the vapours." 36 THE PROPOSAL Then he would kiss her snowy brow, And chafe her lily hands discreetly, As, on his knees, he told her how His heart was hers completely ; Till, in a semi-dazed condition. They went to ask Papa's permission. Alas! the world has changed to-day! How modernised both wooed and wooer ! Chloe is now a coryphee^ Strephon a wealthy brewer! She smiles on picture-postcards sweetly, While he signs cheques extremely neatly. 37 THE PROPOSAL Or else he is a peer, unblest By dollars, and not too romantic, And she, from somewhere in the West, An heiress Transatlantic. Gold to his happiness is vital; She feels the same about a title. He does not hire a coach-and-four To bear him to his lady's dwelling: A motor lands him at her door. Strident and evil-smelling ; Disguised in coonskins, like his " shover," He seems more Golliwog than lover ! 38 ^^Disguised in coonskins^ like his ^shovcr^^ He seems more Golliiuog than lover!'' THE PROPOSAL When, thus unsuitably arrayed, He finds his fair inamorata Playing (^with pianola's aid ) A Hackenschmidt sonata — Cacophony enough to deafen An even more phlegmatic Strephon ! He does not fall upon his knees, Nor grovel on the ground before her Gymnastical displays like these, He knov^s, would only bore her But speaks in accents far from tender. Toasting his coat-tails at the fender. 41 THE PROPOSAL " Oh, by the way," you hear him say, '^Chloe — before I quite forget it — I wish you 'd marry me some day; Really you won't regret it. How would next Friday fortnight suit you? And — may I (what they call) ^salute' you ? " ^'Why, yes," she answers, with a smile, ''But please don't disarrange my hair, dear. We '11 meet on Friday in the aisle, I '11 certainly be there, dear. Just send a postcard to remind me — The hadies Club will always find me." 42 THE PROPOSAL Then lawyers enter, unabashed, The Wedding March politely humming, To see that cheques are duly cashed. And coronets forthcoming; While friends arrange those pleasing orgies Associated with St. George's. One relative goes ofF to seek A bishop, all complete with gaiters; Another hastens to bespeak A wedding-cake and waiters ; A third buys '^favours" for the flymen, And other requisites of Hymen. 43 THE PROPOSAL Acquaintances in Strephon's Set Send gifts and warm congratulations; While people she has never met Solicit invdtations, By loading the bewildered Chloe With presents that are cheap but showy. ^'A love match," says the kindly Press — Since 'tis the proper thing to do so — While lady-journalists assess The value of the trousseau, Till Cupid from their presence rushes, And slinks away to hide his blushes. 44 Marriage IN the church, from crypt to steeple, Ev'ry inch is occupied; Ev'ry corner crammed with people (^^ House Full" boards displayed outside.) Woman with excitement flushes, Man attempts to hide his gloom. While another couple rushes To its doom ! 45 MARRIAGE Organist, his fingers flying O'er the keyboard till he drops, (Simultaneously applying Swedish massage to the stops), Tramples wildly on the pedals With the trueborn cyclist's knack. Which would win him many medals On a track. Loud the diapason thunders! Bridegroom fumbles for the ring, (For the hundredth time he wonders Where he put the silly thing !) 46 MARRIAGE See, the bride advances blushing, With the timidest of smiles, And the ushers cease from ushing In the aisles. Soon the eminent musician (^Like his organ, somewhat "blown"). Gives a ^^ masterly rendition" Of the march of Mendelssohn. While on seats his hearers leaping, Stare and chatter all they want. Spinster aunts are gently weeping In the font. 47 MARRIAGE Now, the ceremony ended, Happy couple drives away; Crowds outside, with lungs distended, Give three ^^Hips!" and one ^^ H ooray ! " Then the bride's self-conscious father Seeks his guests to entertain With consumptive quails and rather Flat champagne. Older folks grow retrospective, Bygone honeymoons recall (While an ill-disguised detective 48 MARRIAGE Guards the presents in the hall), Till they see the couple leaving, Clad in brand-new trav'lling suits, And facetious friends start heaving Rice and boots. MORAL Bridegroom, though your spirits falter, Never have recourse to jest; jokes about the "marriage Haltar" Are much better unexpress'd. Since you may not well avoid it. Bear the function Uke a man, 49 MARRIAGE And pretend that you 've enjoyed it, If you can. Bride, be punctual to the minute; Don't forget the hour and date. (Though there may be nothing in it. Gossips talk if you are late.) In the unforeseen event, too, Of your vowing to ^^obey," Ljook as though you really meant to, Anyway. 50 VI Table Manners ON the question of behaviour when At Table There is much that proves per- plexing to the mind; Should we eat, that is, as much as we are able? Should we drink as much as Nature feels inclined? 51 TABLE MANNERS Is it right to use a spoon to swallow curry? Is it wrong to use a knife for eating cheese? There is scope for much embarrassment and worry In such knotty points as these. Of the businesses of eating and of drinking — Which arc separate, distinctive, well- defined — There is no one but must acquiesce in thinking 52 TABLE MANNERS That these functions should by no means be combined; Since the man who fills his mouth with beef or pheasant, And proceeds to sluice it down with wine or beer, Is a person whom at meals it isn't pleasant For his fellows to sit near. Save for purposes of casual conversation, You should always keep your mouth shut when you chew. Since the processes of oral mastication 53 TABLE MANNERS Are not suitable for popular review; And it shows a lack of manners or of breeding To make noises like an infant with the croup, Or adopt a loud and blatant mode of feeding, When ingurgitating soup. Then, again, we do not need to be instructed That our victuals must not ever be inhaled^ 54 TABLE MANNERS And that no one who is properly conducted Will be guilty of the scandal thus entailed. When a burst of unpremeditated laughter Sends the glass of rare old port that you imbibe Coursing lungwards — and the scene that follows after 'Twere not fitting to describe! Let me tell y on of 7ny favourite Aunt Anna^ Who (though eighty^ is alert and full of fun; 55 TABLE MANNERS She inhaled the greater part of a banana^ When at luncheon once I chanced to make a pun. All i?i vain the doctors probed and ordered massage^ My relation is deprived of half a lung^ For the pla7^tain in her pulmonary passage Is imbedded like a bung I If you seek a second helping from the ^^ slavey," Should you leave the knife and fork upon your plate — 56 "7/^ asparagus or artichokes be handed^ Do not view them with a terror-stricken eye' TABLE MANNERS When the handles will be smeared with grease and gravy — Or retain them in your clutches while you wait? O my Readers, pray be open to persuasion, And admit (^what I have preached for many years) That the knife and fork on ev'ry such occasion Should be placed behind the ears. If asparagus or artichokes be handed, Do not view them with a terror-stricken eye, 59 TABLE MANNERS Nor permit yovirself a coward to be branded. By allowing such a dish to pass you by. Ev'ry stick (^or leaQ, when dipt in melted butter, Should be held between the finger-tips with grace, And then flung without a tremor or a flutter Through the port-hole of your face. Never scatter bits of food upon your clothing; 60 TABLE MANNERS Never harbour mashed potatoes in your beard; You will find that people gaze at you with loathing If some spinach to your eyebrow has adhered. Last of all (I mean it kindly, gentle Reader^, If you cannot keep your fingers off a bone — If, in fact, you are a gross or careless feeder — You had better feed alone! 6i VII Politeness POLITENESS is a useful art Which all should cultivate with zest; It mollifies the hardest heart, And soothes the savage breast; And even villains seem '^all right" Who ''smile and smile and are" — polite! 63 POLITENESS Then be as courteous as you can, Since fortunes often are bestowed On those who help some rich old man Across a slipp'ry road. He hastens home, unfolds his will, And adds a grateful codicil. (^My cousin yo/in was most polite. He led shortsighted Mrs. Bond^ By accident^ one winter s nighty Into the village pond. Her life perhaps he might have savedy But how genteelly he behaved! 64 POLITENESS Each time she rose and waved to him^ He smiled and bowed and doffed his hat. Thought he^ "Although I ca7tnot swim^ At least I can do that." A?id when for the third time she sank^ He stood bareheaded on the bank!^ When, in a crowded train or tram, A lady treads upon your feet, Leap up at once and say, "}^{3,-dam! Pray occupy my seat!" She will not thank you for your zeal. But what a righteous glow you feel! 65 POLITENESS When female friends you chance to see, Your hat should be removed in haste; ^2iX^headed you must either be Or else be deemed \^2iX^faced. The breeze that whistles through your hair Is music to each lady fair. If bald or prone to catching cold, Accept a tip from Uncle Fred Who always wears — or so I 'm told — Two hats upon his head. With one his homage he performs. His scalp meanwhile the other warms. 66 POLITENESS With health and comfort thus ensured, He waves his beaver in his hand, — Its underling beneath secured By an elastic band. ("Good title for a novel, that: — T'he Uncle with the Secret Hat^ If some old lady calls on you, Run dov^n and help her up the stair; Then — if you happen to have two — Provide her with a chair; If you possess but one, no more. Make her at home upon the floor. 67 POLITENESS (/ had a friend in the police^ And no one knew exactly where — He was so terribly obese — T^o offer him a chair ^ For though we pushed them up all round^ He always sat upon the ground^ MORAL Be civil, then, to young and old, Especially to persons who Possess a quantity of gold Which they might leave to you. The more they have, it seems to me. The more polite you ought to be. 68 VIII Dancing WHEN the parquet has been polished, and all furniture abolished, And the band has made a serviceable start; When your programme is selected, and your efforts are directed To indulgence in the Saltatory Art; 69 DANCING When your fellow-dancers eye you, as they sail serenely by you, With a scornful supercilious sort of glance, There is nothing half so rotten as to find you have forgotten How to dance. See your sisters and your brothers (not to mention hosts of others). How they leap and caracole and pirouet! While your partner you disgruntle by a style that's contrapuntal, 70 DANCING Till the poor girl feels in ev'ry way upset. Uncle George grows apoplectic, Uncle John seems somewhat hectic, But you gaze at them with envy as you note With what ease each stout relation gives his lifelike imitation Of a goat. There are many kinds of dances, from that favourite of France's Which some people call a "valse" and others ^' waltz" 71 DANCING (^Though the French, in doubtful taste, dance both the can-can and the waist-dance^ These are vulgar, and have many other faults), To the saraband of Prussia, and the riga- doon of Russia, Which demand the greatest energy and zeal, — From that not-to-be-ignored dance which the Scottish term a ^^Sword- dance" To a reel. 72 DANCING When your Grandmamma went dan- cing, her behaviour was entran- cing; Such decorum, so much grace, were rarely seen ! And her too impatient lover was compelled, alas! to hover On the outskirts of her spacious crino- line. While demurely minuetting in a staid and sober setting, She religiously maintained her self- respect; 73 DANCING When she plied the "light fantastic," ev'ry pose, however plastic, Was correct. What a pleasing variation from the present generation. To whom dancing is a mere athletic sport. Which if people toil a lot at they can get extremely hot at, — Just a form of taking exercise, in short! Men, inspired by flute and fiddle, grasp their partners round the middle, 74 DANCING And revolve till they can scarcely stand upright, While their cousins and their sisters dance their little feet to blisters, Ev'ry night. When the youthful Spanish hero is per- forming a bolero^ His vagaries fill the bashful with surprise. And when coons among the mangoes try to execute fandangoes Prudes and pedants sometimes turn away their eyes; 75 DANCING But when Anglo-Saxon dancers once "get going" in The Lancers^ Things proceed at such a very rapid rate That the antics of Salome seem quite commonplace, quite home-y And sedate. When some poor old fogy flounders 'mid a scrum of youthful bounders Who awake the sleeping chap'rons with their shouts, Other vet'rans cease competing, as they realise, retreating, 76 DANCING Why such parties may be sometimes known as ^^ routs." Wives and daughters join with vigour in the cakewalks of the nigger, In a ''barn-dance" or in ''two-steps" or "Strathspeys," And though skirts be torn to tatters, no one cares, for nothing matters, Nowadays ! MORAL Now the moral of my story, which I dwell on con amore^ 77 DANCING Is that dancing is no mere gymnastic game; While for anyone desiring either romping or perspiring, There are numerous pursuits that I could name. And the youth who yells and hollers and is forced to change his collars, Should not ever be permitted to take part In the dance, which (for the last time, let me say) is not a pastime. But an Art. 78 IX At Sea YE passengers of either sex Who nimbly tread a steamer's decks, Observe the precepts, if you please, Which naval etiquette decrees, — And note how persons should behave Who sail upon the ocean wave. 79 AT SEA If when the billows rise and swell, You are not in the least unwell, Don't puff a rank or green cigar Into the eyes of those who are^ — Nor yet implore such weaker souls To note how much the vessel rolls. Don't recommend calves'-head or eels To one who cannot face his meals; The thought of tripe will not excite A friend's reluctant appetite ; And even haggis, so I'm told. Will leave him absolutely cold. 80 AT SEA Don't emulate the old ^^ sea-dog" (Who says ^^Yo ho!" and calls for grog) By wearing blue gold-buttoned suits, A yachting cap, and pipe-clayed boots, Nor don a knowing naval air Unless immune to mal-de-mer. Don't shout "Avast there!" or ^^ Belay!" Or "Lubbers, man the starboard stay!" Or "Splice the brace!" or "Brace thesplice!" Unless your knowledge is precise; Nor glibly talk of ^' hatch" or "hitch" Until you're certain which is which. 8i AT SEA Don't give the Captain good advice, And never ask him more than twice ("Unless you wish for a rebuff) Whether the passage will be rough, Nor yet if all the crew were drowned Last time he ran his ship aground. If actively unwell at sea (^As you may very likely be), Avoid procedure that offends The feelings of fastidious friends. Sea-sickness teems, if neatly done. With quiet — if one-sided — fun. 82 AT SEA iJVhen yoseph Spence — a noted wag — Was ill into a stranger s bag^ T'he latter^ from an upper bunk^ Exclaimed^ ''hook out! That'' s not your trunk!'' "I thought as much!'" retorted Spe?tcey As he repeated the offence.^ Make certain that, at any cost, Your sense of humour isn't lost, And if a steward, on a fork. Should tempt you with a slice of pork, 83 AT SEA Evince some signs of squeamish mirth Before you hasten to your berth. These are the Maximes de la Vie For those of Riper Years at Sea. 84 X Invitations WHEN you're writing invitations for receptions, balls, collations, To your intimates, acquaint- ances and neighbours, By a verbal indiscretion or an ill-advised expression You may miss the very object of your labours, 85 INVITATIONS And, through lacking the advantage of a literary training, May impair a reputation for successful entertaining. Though your Conversaziones may be crammed with friends and cronies. Who won't criticise your grammar and your spelling, And, by missives wrongly worded, strangers sometimes may be herded 'Neath the roof-tree of your hospitable dwelling, 86 INVITATIONS By a lapse of taste or language folks are often much offended, — When your party is a failure and your soiree unattended. It is readily admitted that your phrases must be fitted To the status of the guests you are inviting; For what one accepts as normal to another seems informal; What a third enjoys, a fourth regards as slighting; 87 INVITATIONS And what strikes the Upper Classes as a piece of maladroitness May be looked on by ot ttoWol as (forgive me) hoigh poloitness ! You may favour a relation with a curt communication Which a stranger would consider sheer effront'ry; Or address a peer demurely in a manner which would surely Sound affected to a cousin from the country; 88 INVITATIONS So remember, ere commencing to express yourself on paper, That a style which suits a duchess may seem stilted to a draper. Let your writing ink be blacker and more luminous than lacquer, And your paper quite immaculately snowy; If you purpose to invest it with a mono- gram or crest, it Should be something that is neat but never showy; 89 INVITATIONS And if scented, let the faintest form of perfume be selected, Or your readers will insist on being promptly disinfected. Let your meaning be explicit, so that nobody can miss it. And your writing of a legible description; People find it most confusing if you make a point of using Hieroglyphics like the primitive Egyptian. It's as well to state quite clearly upon ev'ry invitation 90 INVITATIONS Both the nature of your party and the length of its duration. (^Lei me instance the dilemma I was placed in by Aunt Rmma^ Whom I asked to come and stay with me one Sunday ; I did not refer at starting to the date of her departing^ But I meant to entertain her just for one day. ^Tis a twelvemonth since this guest I had the pleasure of receivings 91 INVITATIONS But she swears that she is bedridden^ and shows no signs of leaving ! "Then again^ a man named Harris^ whom I stumbled on in Paris^ At the Bristol or the Ritz — / often sup there — And most foolishly invited (I suppose I was excited^ If in London to be sure and look 7ne up there. Looks me up'' each single day^ and not content with merely ''looking^' a 92 INVITATIONS Must propose himself to luncheon^ and com- plains about my cooking! If the hostess, apprehensive, finds the drudgery extensive, Ev'ry time she asks acquaintances to dinner, 'Tis a fact there's no denying, that the duty of replying Offers just as hard a task to the beginner. But the following examples should be ample for explaining 93 INVITATIONS This particular department in the Art of Entertaining. EXAMPLE I ''Mrs. A, B. C. presents Her respects and compliments To Mrs. and Miss D. She would deem it very pleasant If the latter could be present At her tiny Tea. ("Note. — There will be Bridge for those who care to take a hand^ Tennis in the garden^ and a military band.y^ 94 INVITATIONS (REPLY) "Mrs. and Miss D. express Their eternal gratefulness To Mrs. A. B. C. Tennis they Ve no time for, Tea is not a meal they care for, Bridge they never play. Military bands for them have little fasci- nation, So they must reluctantly refuse her invitation." EXAMPLE II " Mrs. E. would be obliged if on (here put the date) 95 INVITATIONS Mrs. F. would condescend to dine with her at 8* (Mrs. E.'s maternal aunt was comifig up from Dover^ But at the last moment has been forced to throw her over.^ (REPLY) "Mrs. F. is much distressed to hear about the aunt; Gladly would replace her, but is sorry that she can't; Much regrets that on (the date) she is already dining, 96 INVITATIONS And she therefore has the greatest pleasure in declining." EXAMPLE III " H. H.^ the Ehong of Bangolore^ IVill be At Home from 2 to /j. {Please enter by the Tradesmen s Door\ To-day.'' (REPLY) (Wire.) ^^Am feeling far from strong. Cannot join the merry throng. Tell the Bhong to run along And play ! " 97 INVITATIONS EXAMPLE IV "Dear Mr. Brown^ — My wife and I would chortle with delight If you would come and sup with us quite quietly to-night. (^The ^^quietly" suggests, of course — I hardly need explain — An absence of formality, of napkins, and champagne.) If you could bring your banjo we might ask the yoness up^ And I would tell the parlour-maid to mix some claret-cup. 98 INVITATIONS The eldest Jones^ Eliza^ plays the harpsichord with ease^ Which would be most convenient if we wanted to sing Glees.'' (REPLY) ^' Dear Mr. Smith, — I have to be most careful what I drink. Your claret-cup is excellent, no doubt, But as it tastes distinctly of the cheapest kind of ink, I fancy I would rather do without. Please thank your charming wife, and say how deeply I am grieved 99 INVITATIONS To miss your quiet supper and the Glees, Through a prior invitation I this moment have received, Which I much prefer to yours and Mrs. B.'s." ICO XI On the Road WHEN seated in a motor-car Upon the King's highway, It often gives me quite a jar To find how selfish people are, How rude the things they say. I censure the pedestrian classes Who hold their noses as one passes. lOI ON THE ROAD Old yokels, deaf and nearly blind, Plod stolidly along; When I come scorching up behind. They pay no heed, they do not mind My hootings loud and long; But if I squash them flat as bloaters. Their next-of-kin disparage motors! Yet, when I walk upon the road. While cars rush to and fro, I note how much they incommode The residents of each abode Within a mile or so; I02 ON THE ROAD My tender heart in anguish sickens To see them puncture dogs or chickens. And when they skirt the sidewalk edge, In clouds of whirling dust, I leap upon a window-ledge. Or scramble through a quickset hedge, With ill-concealed disgust. I dread to see them skid up onto The kerb and immolate poor Ponto. MORAL O ye who walk the roads like slugs. No more impede your betters I 103 ON THE ROAD Chauffeurs, desist from being Thugs! Kind hearts are more than sparking-plugs, And Tact than carburettors! Live and let live, my bounding brothers, And recollect that There are Others! 104 XII Forms of Address WHAT symptoms of panic the bourgeois evinces On being presented to Bishops and Princes! His throat seems afflicted with curious dryness, As, murmuring vaguely ^^Your Grace" or ''Your Highness," 105 FORMS OF ADDRESS His knees knock together. He shows the "white feather/' And talks in an agonised way of the weather. And oh ! how he wishes in youth he had studied The question of how to address the blueblooded! No knowledge is half so important or vital As that which supplies the appropriate title: "Your Worship" to one, and "My Lord" to another, io6 FORMS OF ADDRESS ^^Your Gracious" to this one, "Your Goodness" to t'other, ^^ Dear Sir" to one's banker, "Hullo!" to one's mother. For men of the world the right form of response '11 Come pat to the tip of the tongue (or the tonsil): "Your Maj:" for a King, and ^'Your Ex:" for a Consul, "Sir James" for a Knight, for a Gentleman "Mister," 107 FORMS OF ADDRESS ^^Garcong!" for a waiter, and ^^Hi!" for a sister. But diffident persons are often in error, Through being beset by a feeling of terror. For instance, some alien Princeling or other Once told me I closely resembled my brother. ^^We are," I replied, in an access of shyness, '^ Serenely alike. Your Ridiculous Highness!" io8 FORMS OF ADDRESS The tone that is known as "unduly familiar" Is worse than a blunder of this sort, and sillier. A Baronet, say, whom you meet at a party. Should not be referred to by strangers as "Barty"; "Your Grace" to a Duke on servility touches. But never remark "My dear Grace" to a Duchess. While Rajahs from India, bewhiskered and splendid. 109 FORMS OF ADDRESS If talked of as "Mister" are deeply £ffendrd. "Mossoo" and ^^Mein Herr" are for Frenchmen and Germans, "Right Reverend Sir" for the preacher of sermons; But though it displays a commendable keenness To style a Scotch Elder ^' Your Weeness- and-Freeness," A Jewish Chief Rabbi won't fancy it funny, I lO FORMS OF ADDRESS Suppose you should label him ^'Rabbits" or '' Bunny," While Greek Archimandrites call loudly for brandy When persons address them as "Archie" or "Mandy." "Say, Count," is the phrase that an Oil Magnate's daughter Applies to the nobleman Fortune has brought her, While he in reply should accost her as "Madam," III FORMS OF ADDRESS And not (be she never so stony) " Macadam! " Militiamen love to be talked to as "Major," While ^^ Laddie" will always delight the Old Stager. The nickname allotted to Barmaids is "Ducky," And ^'Judge" is reserved for the men from Kentucky, But ''Colonel" is probably safest and surest For those who address an American tourist. 112 FORMS OF ADDRESS MORAL Then make it a rule, if you're bent on succeeding, To show ev'ry sign of good birth and good breeding. To do what is thought ^^comme-il-faut" and ''de rigueur," To browbeat the poor and to bully the nigger; But always assume an obsequious figure To all who are richer than you are — or bigger. 113 XIII Presence of Mind A T a moment of stress or of crisis, / % When troubles encompass man- XjL kind, The behaviour most tactful and wise is The product of Presence of Mind; And although we can hardly be taught to Be vigilant, ready, or brave. We may all of us learn how we ought to Behave. 115 PRESENCE OF MIND If your yacht is a wreck on the ocean, Showing no inclination to float, While your messmates give way to emotion, You should lower the bulkiest boat. Don't delay to shake hands with your dearest (Your actions they won't understand), But proceed with all haste to the nearest Dry land. When at length on the shore you are driven, To the person who first comes in view • ii6 PRESENCE OF MIND You should state what reward will be given If he rescues your cargo and crew. Should a coastguard be present, invite him To swim with a rope to the wreck, While you sit on the jetty and write him A cheque. If your house is in flames when you waken, Though its inmates you fail to arouse, Some precautions at least should be taken To report the event to your spouse. 117 PRESENCE OF MIND This a privilege due to a wife is, And your judgment should not be obscured By the comforting thought that her life is Insured. If the ladder on which you are standing Collapses while you 're up aloft, You should always make certain of landing On something that's suitably soft; Like my lunatic brother at Brighton, Who falls every night out of bed, But adroitly contrives to alight on His head. ii8 PRESENCE OF MIND If your bulldog lays hold of a stranger, You should turn the thing off with a laugh, Saying, " Nonsense ! Your leg's in no danger ! For my bull is quite cowed by your calf! " ("Should the victim reply to you thickly. Or to water be vainly decoyed, Then both he and the dog should be quickly Destroyed.) If your motor runs over some chickens, And the villagers gather in groups, 119 PRESENCE OF MIND You should ask them at once why the dickens Those damthings aren't kept in their coops. If the owner arrives at this juncture, You must simulate virtuous ire, And accuse him of trying to puncture Your tire. If you're ever attacked by a lion, A camel, a bull, or a bear, Keep a human and resolute eye on The beast, till he slinks to his lair. I 20 PRESENCE OF MIND (If this " Pow'r of the Eye " that we read of Is as absent as hair from an egg, You can always fall back on the Speed of The Leg.) Last of all, if a humorous poet Should award you the fruits of his Muse, — You will never peruse them, you know it, But you haven't the heart to refuse — So remark, as their charms he rehearses, How a merciful Fate you would thank It his pages, as well as his verses. Were blank ! 12 1 XIV Discrimination I F some accommodating Fate Would teach us to discriminate, Or if, instinctively, we had The gift of telling good from bad. How much less often would we make The unforgivable mistake! Appearances deceive, alas! And persons whom we proudly pass 123 DISCRIMINATION As villains of the deepest dyes May be archdeacons in disguise; Even a bishop can insist On looking like a pugilist! Each passer-by, for aught we know, May be a King incognito; The brains of Prince or Plutocrat May lurk beneath a seedy hat, A witty tongue lie hid within The contours of a feeble chin! A butcher may be sweet and kind, A sage appear to have no mind; 124 DISCRIMINATION An operatic tenor can Be more a monkey than a man! What false impressions one derives When single men lead double lives! While staying in New York, one day, I met two brothers, William J. And Jawn D. Bilge. They looked unkempt. And so I viewed them with contempt. Conceive my subsequent despair On finding each a millionaire! For William, by a life of toil, Had cornered all his country's oil, 125 DISCRIMINATION While Jawn supplied the poor with ice At nearly twice the proper price; Till each had finally been thrust Into a post of (^so-called) Trust. Had I but known how rich they were, And tried to cultivate the pair, Who knows? I might perhaps to-day Be quite as affluent as they, And dress as badly as I chose. And talk entirely through my nose! MORAL Oh, let us not acquire too late The talent to discriminate! 126 XV Tact THO' endowed with all the virtues of a Daniel, With a nature free from blemishes or flaws ; Tho' combining the devotion of a spaniel With intelligence like Mr. Bernard Shaw's; Tho' the noblest disposition you inherit, And your character with piety is pack'd, 127 TACT All such qualities have very little merit Unaccompanied by TACT. What is tact? you may enquire (and very rightly) — 'Tis that mixture of good taste and savoir faire Which impels us to conduct ourselves politely, Not to gossip, not to snigger, not to stare; To be gay (^but not facetious) at a wedding. At a fun'ral sympathetic but discreet — 128 TACT 'Tis the art, above all else, of never treading Upon other people's feet. It restrains us in those more domestic quarrels Which result from the reproofs we may have based On the looseness of a younger brother's morals. Or the tightness of an elder sister's waist. It forbids a too inquisitive inspection Of the squirrel's nest which Mother calls her hair, I 2g TACT Or the hectic but unnatural complexion That Aunt Mabel loves to wear. If a friend has got a ^^past" discreetly hidden, On this subject you must never breathe a word; To the tactful any mention is forbidden Of a scandal that is decently interred. For altho' his early record may be shady, 'Tis a very awkward moment in your life When you blurt it out at luncheon to a lady, And she proves to be his wife ! 130 TACT If a neighbour has a face like a geranium, It is rude of you to blink or shade your eyes; If he balances a toupee on his cranium, You should view it with inaudible surprise. Ere you ridicule the tint of people's noses. Or their lamentable paucity of hair. Recollect how little urchins twitted Moses And were eaten by a bear."^ * Was it not Elijah ? — Publisher's Reader. Perhaps. There are no rhymes to Elijah, anyway. Please use some intelligence. — H. G. 131 TACT When residing in a house where there are lovers, You should don the very loudest of your suits, And a tactful man instinctively discovers The necessity of wearing squeaky boots. In your efforts to prevent a private scandal, Which a fashionable hostess might deplore, You should cough, and have some trouble with the handle, Before entering a door. 132 TACT Never mind, then, how inelegant your tone is, Or how petty the proportions of your brain; Cease to envy the physique of an Adonis, Or the modesty and culture of a Caine; That your views are inconsistent and one- sided. And your statements imbecile and inexact Does n't matter, it you only are provided With a large supply of Tact. It is Tact that makes the needy cringe and grovel; 133 TACT And the rich behave like Romans when in Rome; It is Tact that brings contentment to the hovel, It is Tact that carries Peace into the Home. It is Tact — but w^hy this "dam'd reitera- tion " Of a simple and indisputable fact, Since my poem needs no further illustration As a masterpiece of Tact? 134 -.V 2 1909 Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide Treatment Date: June 2009 PreservationTechnologies A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION 111 Thomson Park Drive Cranberry Township, PA 16066 (724)779-2111 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 1^