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^Ml 
 
 
 DOWN ON DEVIL'S 
 CREEK. 
 
 BY 
 
 T. W. WHiTMER. 
 
 I 
 
 
 I 
 
XWO COPIES Rt.^--iVED, 
 
 IrJbrary of coni5P«t% 
 
 APR 6 - 1900 
 
 KegUtar of Copyrl^htib 
 
 
 56795 
 
 Copyrii^hted T. W. Wliitmer 1900. 
 
 SECO.N^ ..^r. 
 
 ^ 
 
DOWN ON DEVIL'S CREEK. 
 
 Down on Devil's Creek lived a rather singular 
 set, noted in their day for broils and toils, but 
 mostly noted for turning the tide when anyone 
 were around. 
 
 Brother Good-for-nothing was often a fit subject 
 for hell. On many occasions, particularly so when 
 it comes to the subject of meat and bread, he often 
 halted between two opinions; whether the dollars 
 amounted to more than the pleasures of his wife 
 and children, which he often found weighed in 
 balances and found wanting. His fake lay in going 
 to meeting under special pretense of getting out of 
 work, and riding in the chariot with pastor or just 
 before or behind. But his greatest pleasures were 
 in demolishing Sister Good-a-good's chicken salad 
 and pies. 
 
 However he had a few good traits in the har- 
 ness which would seem to excite his sanctimonious 
 emotion, such as Oh, Lord ! Amen ! and Lord 
 Grant ! which were granted more than required. 
 He often made a special hit to the sinners and 
 small boys by giving in his experience with the old 
 man, but he left the children off. He alluded to 
 his own sinful nature more than anything, but 
 
• 
 DOWN ON devil's CREEK. 
 
 when it came to handshaking he knew how, for he 
 shook like he meant it. By long and continued 
 practice he knows how to shake and who to shake. 
 
 While the doubtful part of the congregation 
 stood around ready to burst with laughter, when 
 there is any allusion to the matter he uses a few 
 
 d ns and goes ahead. His interest never fags 
 
 while the sun is hot, and the worms are many. 
 He has a desire to do good before it is too late. 
 But let the clouds obscure the sun there is a 
 general falling away in his faith. An excuse the 
 evil one would smile at. He has, by the way, 
 some good intentions. He tries to bring the 
 children up in the way they should go, but, alas! 
 he spares the rod and his punishment is greater 
 than he can bear. He assumes the aspect of the 
 fallen angel. 
 
 Adorned with gray hairs he has special reasons 
 why he can sing. While the bums stand around 
 and pat to the accompaniment of the tune on the 
 hornpipe. He imagines that their conscientious 
 scruples have been touched, and probably they 
 have but not for the better. 
 
 He especially objects to baseball and other rip- 
 roaring games on the Sabbath, but he is afraid to 
 cast the first stone because the devil might pitch it 
 back and break his own head with it. And there 
 would not be a very appropriate funeral take place. 
 
 He justifies himself in many ways; he gives 
 away what his children earn by the day, and calls 
 it giving to the Lord. He goes to church and sings 
 
DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 3 
 
 '*My Redeemer Liveth" while his wife and children 
 are at home barefooted and ragged as little urchins. 
 
 To keep him in a good mood his wife makes 
 the fires while the small boy does the feeding, but 
 there seems to be no end to his objections. He 
 takes for his text his mother or his grandmother 
 did so and so. 
 
 He says extravagance is breaking him up, 
 which is no lie. He lays his woes before the un- 
 sympathizing world who knows where the monkey 
 dances. He lays a claim on everything down to 
 the setting hen, which would eternally peck his life 
 out if she had a chance. 
 
 His neighbors are few and far between, his re- 
 lations wonder how much longer God is going to 
 put up with him. Perhaps there has been enough 
 said of his religious toleration. I will proceed to 
 give you a few others that will not amaze you. 
 
 His plantation is covered with crops, but not 
 always of the paying kind, such as weeds, foxtail 
 and broom sage. 
 
 But the rabbit has become as tough as 
 Brother Good-for-nothing, and by no means worth 
 the trouble. Except when some other brother's 
 fruit trees are in danger, which often happens when 
 the good brother is around. 
 
 Besides the rabbit and chipmuck there is that 
 old razor-back sow, that knows no obstruction; 
 that can split a fence rail into and make two out of 
 it, and often has as many as four litters of pigs a 
 year. 
 
4 DOWN ON DEVIL S CREEK. 
 
 Perhaps I did not give him justice. His farm 
 animals are of a peculiar type, coming out in the 
 spring deceiving the large birds that fly around in 
 quest of prey. They will fly down and say "here 
 it is," but, alas! a well directed peck leaves a one- 
 eyed horse or cow, which should be done away 
 with by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty 
 to Animals. It often happens that this is not the 
 case for you can see the very same birds devouring 
 some other neighbor's buck sheep, killed by the 
 dogs the night before, or perhaps tearing at ribs 
 of some other domesticated animal. In this man- 
 ner he lives. That it is said he hardly exists only 
 in the mind of those around him, who wonder at 
 that same animal being attached to a plow and 
 being dragged backwards with a small boy a hold 
 of it. 
 
 So much for the horse, now for the cow, as 
 honary as himself, which attacks the weeds and 
 grass in Spring and Summer, but, alas! Autumn is 
 here. He rings her tail to give down her milk, 
 imagines she has the hollow-horn, when the poor 
 thing can hardly stand up, lacking the essential ele- 
 ments that make muscle and fibre. 
 
 To accomplish such an end, instead of going to 
 work to buy feed, he takes out his grandfather's 
 barlow, used in the Revolution to pare potatoes 
 with and extract motes and other inatimate 
 objects. There would be a blessing if the vigi- 
 lance committee could be gotten together and 
 would show some inducement in the shape of the 
 
DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 5 
 
 great blacksnake whip, that makes the mules 
 move on. 
 
 That his dog is like his master, much known 
 and little respected, especially on Saturday nights 
 and Sundays. When the young bucks are around 
 and want to try their pops for the fun of the thing, 
 which insures a number of days in jail or a fifty- 
 dollar fine — or likely both — to say nothing of los- 
 ing their best girl by such impudence and taking a 
 flogging besides. 
 
 The law should favor every object of charity 
 and give the young dude a chance to kill dogs at 
 his pleasure, and as he grew up to raise sheep and 
 be a prosperous citizen. As it is, he lounges about 
 the small towns and becomes utterly worthless. 
 So much for Uncle Sam not allowing him to carry 
 a gun to alarm Brother Good-for-nothing. 
 
 He has no special objection to cats, for he says 
 he is one himself and perhaps as no account. A 
 majority of cats will lay asleep all day to get to 
 prowl about at night. Our dear brother does not 
 realize the danger he is likely to come across at 
 night; perhaps there's a dog prowling about in the 
 same fix, and should put him up a tree. About 
 Christmas time he would stand a chance of freez- 
 ing, to say nothing of being bit before arriving at 
 the tree. Besides selling no milk from that honary 
 cow and running short of meat and bread. 
 
 His chickens are trained to the idea of migrat- 
 ing to a colder climate where the pot simmers 
 down occasionally. Needless to say, a change of 
 
6 DOWN ON DEVIL S CREEK. 
 
 weather when cholera is around is desirable, more 
 so, when the number of his chickens does not cor- 
 respond with his neighbor's. And more especially 
 when an enraged old hen loses her head and 
 pounces upon tne midnight intruder. No wonder 
 this world is full of sorrows, to say nothing of get- 
 ting to Heaven by chance. Chickens are only sec- 
 ond in importance, but the good wife finds it hard 
 indeed when her stock has become diminished, and 
 no wonder it occupies Mr. Good-for-nothing's mind 
 with many dark forebodings. It not only causes 
 his light to be hid under the bushel, but the bushel 
 and more to be hid under him. 
 
 Turkeys are a bird that won't stay on any ordi- 
 nary farm. They are likely to shift for themselves 
 at best, but a good man's turkeys know no bound. 
 The best wheat fields and oat patches are conge- 
 nial to their roving natures, which Mr. Good-for- 
 nothing sees afar off. But what takes the roof off 
 on the top of the house when the wind is not 
 blowing is his neighbor's hound, especially adapted 
 to running hares and small game, turkey is not an 
 objection when his owner knows that Mr. Good- 
 for-nothing is gone and there is nothing better. 
 Thus it stands him in hand to do good for evil by 
 seeing that brute knocks the most of the feathers 
 out of those birds and ending it by sending his 
 neighbor word to keep those abominable birds in 
 their place. 
 
 A goose knows better how to get into trouble 
 than how to get out. A young goose from the 
 
DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 7 
 
 beginning knows how to fly, nor do they light upon 
 a straw stack, for they have seen that high mound 
 before. Mr Good-for-nothing's geese are not so 
 silly as all that comes to. They go North and 
 South in the morning and come home East and 
 West in the evening, with a protuberance as big as 
 a shot sack gleaned before or after the reapers, 
 like their master. However, their digestion is good 
 and still not better after being chased from one 
 field to another and causing the farm hand to swear 
 and lose temper, and to say if Mr. Good-for- 
 nothing's chances for Heaven are desirable, what 
 was his chance for hell .'' 
 
 I do not wish to repeat the old story, but to 
 enliven the new. This hog is the fellow that objects 
 to other hogs like themselves. Brought up to have 
 the best at any cost is turned loose to combat the 
 field with the impunity of a dog, only his tushes 
 are longer, which not only stands his opponent at 
 a disadvantage, but makes the small boys and 
 women run for dear life. Being fond of potatoes 
 and small truck patches he objects to any intrusion 
 on the part of law-abiding citizens. The average 
 truck patch is such that an educated animal with 
 two legs can devour the whole in a very short time, 
 but when it comes to four the destruction is iminent 
 and the damage is unsurmountable. 
 
 The cow is not tne same one with holler tail 
 but belonging to the same man, roaming the woods 
 with pleasure and destroying the young man's hunt 
 by chasing him over logs and through saplings — 
 
8 DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 
 
 'tis a wonder to behold. The brave man of action 
 has become a man of deeds, after taking a tree and 
 at safe distance, he longs for home, and its many 
 environments, while that cow stamps and paws 
 like mad. There is something closely connected 
 with his heels that is quite annoying which resem- 
 bles man's faithful friend. In a short time he for- 
 gets what he has treed, and goes off for other 
 fields to conquer while the young hunter slips down 
 a much wiser and better man, knowing his Re- 
 deemer liveth if it was in a small dog. Suppose 
 he had all these animals he would undoubtedly 
 have some of the late inventions of the age, such 
 as hoes, pitchforks, plows and other instruments 
 which would accord to the time of rye straw by 
 leaving the straw off, but the rye was always in its 
 place with its master, especially when it comes to 
 him using them, but being a soldier of the cross he 
 would go as a sheep before the shearers. But not 
 much wool ever flew for he had special objection 
 of being shorn so rudely, never noted for work but 
 had it done by others that were more prepared to 
 enjoy tne felicity of a great beyond. The chance 
 of smelling fire on his clothes were to much for 
 such a soldier of the cross, so I will end the matter 
 until better explained. 
 
 Inventions I should say so ! There is the hoe 
 that tended the late Good-for-nothing potato patch. 
 All eye and no hoe, one hundred years old or 
 more, doubtless used in fortifying Breed's hill on 
 that memorable day in May, 1775. Times have 
 
DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 9 
 
 been hard since, perils after perils have befallen 
 this enlightened land of ours. With the outcome 
 of these struggles taxes became high, hoes and 
 other instruments have become rare indeed, and 
 besides one hoe is enough for anybody who is not 
 prepared to use it. Such ideas of living, if adhered 
 to, culminate into letting the forest oak grow. 
 The mighty towns and cities would become a 
 trackless plain, and the domesticated animals 
 would again roam at large upon what was known 
 as the great highway of man. 
 
 Being a disciple of the old school anything that 
 was good enough for his father was good enough 
 for him. To save the necessity of making a fork 
 by demolishing a dogwood, and taking a very 
 small part thereof, his father improved his time by 
 buying a steel fork with two prongs. In addition 
 there was a handle so large that you might imagine 
 when the hay was clear of the fork that some man 
 was setting up a gate post. All bat that. This 
 fork has come down as a memorial to that family 
 and when the cloee of the twentieth century shall 
 have disappeared that same fork will be prized as 
 one of the most ancient of modern inventions, and 
 that same handle will support a battery for a wire- 
 less, telegraphy. 
 
 It is needless to say that he had the plow which 
 Israel Putnam left standing in the field when that 
 brave spirit joined the Continentals at Lexington, 
 but he had one with the same make, one of those 
 old fellows with a high wooden mould board and 
 
lO 
 
 DOWN GN DEVILS CREEK. 
 
 two poles looking much like the old dray. For 
 handles with the speed of our mustang ponies 
 would have sent him beyond Jupiter, to say noth- 
 
 "A Battery for Wireless Telegraphy." 
 
 ing of where handles and other portions went too. 
 This same plow will doubtless be exhumed some 
 day and cracked experts will pronounce that it 
 might have been one of the plows that the Israel- 
 ites left in their flight from Egypt. 
 
 Shall I proceed to tell about his other implements. 
 I think I may to the average citizen. The Cones- 
 toga wagon is a myth but to a thankful few like 
 Mr. Good-for-Nothing this has become a very 
 highly prized article with a great high buckboad. 
 Imagine yourself a-going like two-forty over the 
 frozen highway and that same horse should see one 
 
DOWN ON devil's CREEK. 
 
 I I 
 
 those modern bicycles a-^oing at the rate of a mile 
 a minute. There would be a collision that would 
 send the riders beyond Mars and all of this need- 
 
 "There Would be a Collision." 
 
 less expense of making a telescope to reach the in- 
 habitants thereof would be set at naught, and 
 those inhabitants would send a magnetic wire 
 whirling through space. Ere long the inhabitants 
 beyond the clouds would be a myth of the past. 
 
 No rational being, however much he has lived 
 in the past, can afford to live in these modern days 
 without hearing what the evangelist and small boys 
 call a hug-me-tight. Doubtless the ruination of 
 both. But I will leave that to you and proceed 
 with my story. This peculiar one is noted by a 
 high dashboard that'kept the little ones from fall- 
 ing between the horses' heels, and being kicked 
 beyond the treetops which in those days were very 
 numerous. You see at once a small boy was very 
 valuable. There was brush to pick and fires to 
 make and the small boy was always in demand, to 
 say nothing of what was in the shape of a girl, who 
 was taught to spin and weave, and not to bang on 
 
12 DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 
 
 an organ till twelve and one o'clock and sleep the 
 remainder of next day. 
 
 Perhaps you have heard the parable of the sower, 
 but it makes my soul sink within me to think of that 
 abominable bad boy that had nothing to do but to 
 sow ragweeds and dock seed behind him. Take it 
 for granted such were the case a little coerscion on 
 the tight part of the pants might have supple- 
 mented a remedy. But such were not the case. 
 Imagine with what disgust Mr. Good-for-nothing 
 has in trying to save a few grains of what you 
 might call cheat or cockerel. The danger don't lie 
 with him alone. Many American farmers from 
 year to year let the wheat and tares grow together 
 until harvest, and then with their fine machinery 
 harvest and thresh their crops and then try to poke 
 their cheaty wheat on that enterprising miller, who 
 says: -T reckon we will grind on anyhow without 
 your spontaneous outgrowth." 
 
 For a fact, fortune and honor favor the brain, 
 but it is not many times you hear of a drop nowa- 
 days, more or less a good thing of it. Right in 
 order to improve the talent we are bound to sub- 
 mit that main force and awkwardness were things 
 of the past. But not so with our hero who has 
 such relics as belong to so remote a generation. You 
 might see him going forth as represented by old 
 Father Time with a great reap hook cutting down 
 the old and infirm and occasionally missing a few 
 small boys' and girls' heads which he will get on 
 his way back. 
 
Has a Dream of a Future." 
 
DOWN ON devil's CREEK. I 3 
 
 To do justice to all and malice to none. I will 
 give you an idea of how he plants his corn. Need- 
 less to say in turning his ground that it would be 
 hard to see from one farrow to the other one, 
 which leaves him but little trouble in planting, still 
 it is astonishing to see with what avidity the moles 
 and chipmucks subtract the product from the soil 
 ane Mr. G. calls on his God by every fair and un- 
 fair name in the calendar, to say nothing of the 
 chance of saying his prayers and calling on his 
 neighbors for help. 
 
 To live in Kentucky tobacco becomes a remu- 
 nerative article of commerce, keeping the small 
 boy out of devilment and greatly enhancing the 
 glory that rallies around the counter of our richly 
 caparisoned store. Not so much with Mr. Good-for- 
 nothing. His credit becomes impaired as the years 
 go by. And the only obstruction that holds him 
 from going to the wall is that he has not far to 
 go. With malice to none and hatred to all he still 
 remains hardup until the roll is called up yonder. 
 And will be so slow about that St Peter will shut 
 the door and at the time of his arrival one thous- 
 and years hence the Devil will not claim him or 
 any of his ancestors. 
 
 To sum the matter up every creature should 
 have enough to eat at all times, but how is that the 
 case when some sharp appetite is ready to devour 
 some other animal. You don't have to go to the 
 Feejee Islands or to the noted American posses- 
 sions to find cannibals and such like. It would 
 
DOWN ON DEVIL S CREEK. 
 
 make the Devil smile indeed to see people's minds 
 run so far off when the cry goes up through this 
 land and country that this politician has devoured 
 this man, and that man to say nothing of the 
 
 "This Politician has Devoured This Man." 
 
 defenseless women and children he has at his 
 mercy. So it has been with the subject of my dis- 
 cussion. The tax collector says he shall pay his 
 poll tax, that is on his head, or beat rock for the 
 community at large, while his devoted wife and 
 children shiver from cold and hunger for bread. 
 '*Take heed lest ye offend these little ones, for it 
 would be well with thee that a mill-stone were tied 
 about your neck and cast into the bottom of the 
 
 sea." 
 
 Talking of imposition, that small boy of his is at 
 no time overly clean; besides that there seems to 
 be an inclination to battle with the marauder on the 
 upper part of the cranium, most likely caused by 
 neglect and the want of soap that would be a bless- 
 ing to a great many households. But that is not 
 all the boys of that particular vicinity have a special 
 
DOWN ON devil's CREEK. I 5 
 
 abhorence to. A louse that is astonishing to be- 
 hold. Until he has, like his maker, no place to lay 
 his head, to say nothing of enjoying an undisturbed 
 repose, amid feathers and downs such should not 
 exist. There is in every land and country a charity 
 fund donated yearly for the poor and infirm and 
 one of those two-cent combs would be an especial 
 object of charity, besides a special prescription 
 printed by the thousand would cost but a tiifle. 
 Such would redown to the welfare of a Christian 
 community. 
 
 Besides the small boy comes the girl budding 
 into womanhood and peart as an owl. She, as 
 every young maiden, has a dream of a future, 
 when that tyranical old father will not domineer 
 over what might be called Mrs. Somebody else. 
 But this dream is not realized as yet, but who 
 knows but what some small boy's heart throbs with 
 pain at that morose parent's ugly disposition, how- 
 ever much he despises the idea of attaching such a 
 multitude of kinsfolks, who are by no means 
 agreeable. But still the mighty thunders have 
 heard it and it is no worse than it is. For it is 
 written "He should forsake father and mother and 
 cleave to his wife." Whether white or black, 
 lowly or mean, it appears to the mind. Such unions 
 are often the case where the old man stays up 
 until a late hour with a gun loaded for some known 
 depredator, but at the time he is most needed he 
 falls asleep only to wake to find the bird has flown, 
 which is often disgusting to behold. 
 
DOWN ON devil's CREEK. 
 
 My dear readers perhaps you think I have lost 
 sight of Mrs. Good-a-good, but, well, I have not. 
 Being a woman she has whims peculiar to her sex, 
 which do not constitute the profound masculine 
 gender and first person when it comes to a general 
 divide of the deceased husband. But the law is 
 still loose regarding divorces and sudden termina- 
 tion of undesired individuals. However, let that 
 be as it may, she holds a conspicuous place in the 
 minds of men, to say nothing of their disagreeable- 
 ness in the art of using the tongue, even trying to 
 confound the modern philosophers by voting 
 against the too free use of intoxicating liquors. 
 And besides that she tells you Mrs. So-and-so will 
 be our next city councilman. Imagine yourself at 
 home with the baby and your wife at the club, or 
 some other detestable place, spinning out lies by 
 the dozen. You will then have a free distributed 
 sample of the modern invention of voting. 
 
 Vote is not all they do. They have a few in- 
 dispensable principles connected with their sojourn- 
 ing here below. The heroine of our subject is to 
 be hoped to have many, probably more, than is 
 connected with others. Far her superior by no 
 means is she devoid of that high virtue of doing 
 unto others as you would wish them to do unto 
 you. But she had a two-fold failing of using her 
 tongue, while her husband would rip her up the 
 back about what his paternal grandmother did long 
 before the Revolution, and what her mother-in-law 
 intended to do if things did not come up to the 
 
DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. I J 
 
 requirements. The other I would suppose would 
 be indulging her children against that old man's 
 will, which often demoralizes Good-for-nothing's 
 selfish vanity. 
 
 The subject of this sketch is closely allied to the 
 average American woman. Quick to quiet down 
 by kindness, but resentful in the extreme when 
 being imposed upon. Her husband imagines he 
 has the good book and all the apostles against her. 
 Oh ! how he revels in the thought of doing good 
 for evil. And a renumerative reward after she is 
 dead, even the Devil has some objection to make 
 at this suggestion. God bless her, she is the 
 woman that molds public sentiment; her sin-de- 
 luded husband finds he's in the dugout along with 
 all the others ''that goeth all the ways of the 
 earth." She longs for mercy, but behold ! a cry; 
 face to face, with oppression until she dies. 
 
 Born of poor but respectable parents is the 
 subject I want to present before your mind. You 
 will find them throughout our land and country. 
 Fit for a king provided the Devil hasn't already 
 laid a claim on them, twenty years in advance. 
 Which it does seem you find a case here and there, 
 that no antiseptic can cure nor balm can heal. 
 You will find these victims of wiles and ills of the 
 gentle sex, or perhaps he knows more now than he 
 wants to tell. You also find them diseased so that 
 there is not a bone in their back that wants to bend. 
 These classes as a rule are good for nothing at best. 
 Sometimes love is stronger than their back, which 
 
1 8 DOWN ON devil's CREEK. 
 
 sooner or later there are two backs broken instead 
 of one. 
 
 Women are not always angels, at least this one 
 wasn't. Breathing the air of liberty her's were all 
 smiles, only now and then prying into things un- 
 bidden, more to satisfy natural curiosity than to 
 plunder, and who is it that wouldn't devour his 
 motherinlaw when he got a chance. "He that is 
 not guilty of sin cast the first stone." Our first in- 
 stinct is self preservation. Take man and put 
 four-cent calico upon his person and there would 
 be a bank robbery in every city and town in the 
 United States before sundown. As it is she goes 
 day unto day as a lamb to the slaughter and the 
 sheep before the shearer, but still they will try to 
 class her morals with that ten-cent bum, that 
 no one claims, not even the Devil himself. 
 
 So much for their prying characteristics, which 
 does not stop at looking in their oW dad's pocket- 
 books and dividing the sheep from the goats and 
 after the goats are gone murder the sheep in an 
 appalling manner, and then wonder why Jerusalem 
 was not built in their daddy's hip pockets, and 
 Solomon's temple in his old coat tail. 
 
 Now, my fair readers, I don't want to insult you 
 needlessly, but whom the shoe fits let her put it on, 
 whether its up to date or not. By so doing you 
 will not bring down your father in sorrow to the 
 grave, and ^^r. Good-for-nothing wont take the 
 imprudence on himself to say your father is dead 
 and your mother will leave you alone by selling 
 
DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 1 9 
 
 out her right in the old homestead to one of those 
 despicable bums that imagine vain things. 
 
 There comes a time in her history, whether 
 through natural curiosity or not, is it well that man 
 should be alone, especially some very naughty play- 
 mate, whom her parents would not more than tear up 
 the salt works even to think their little one was so 
 designing. What is to be is to come, will what wont 
 there will be no coming to. The young man in his 
 sled and hug-me-tight will be bound to consider 
 sooner or later for his destiny will be settled. 
 Soon or late he will then strut around, assume the 
 air of a gentleman, or call upon all the gods to 
 witness that none of the fair sex need to apply. 
 Having been bounced he has no soul that hereafter 
 when judgment day shall have arrived he will, if 
 permitted, join hands, not with his former sweet- 
 heart but with his kind mother that once loved 
 him that would love him still. 
 
 You would perhaps wish me to depict that ring 
 that is used as a token of mutual regard toward 
 each other. It is often the case that the ring is 
 more thought of than the man is regarded, inso- 
 much that some good chum will even have the 
 imprudence to borrow his friend's wedding suit in 
 order to appear grand at some entertainment and 
 will go and get that very same ring and then ab- 
 scond to parts unknown. While that eternal good- 
 for-nothing scoundrel will pine away his days in 
 obscurity. A victim of self-confidence and his good 
 chum's imprudence, hoping some bright day to see 
 
20 DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 
 
 her ^o to where the fire burneth and the worm 
 quencheth not. Then she will have her hands full 
 to take care of herself besides taking care of a man. 
 There's reason then to believe that she will use her 
 tongue when required. 
 
 From the simple fact I have got you now. A 
 disease that is often caused by burnt biscuits and 
 unboiled meat the such Mr. Good-for-nothing 
 literally abhors. For the distant thunders hath 
 uttered it, my grandmother never burnt one in her 
 life, for the simple reason she never had one to 
 burn, and your good mother doubtless cooked a 
 great many more than she ate. Your father died 
 a sinner trying to consume a hog that weighed less 
 than a hundred or two, and your poor old mother 
 died in one of those poor-houses under the hill. 
 Then you were left an orphan with that grand- 
 mother of yours where the johnny cake danced to 
 the tune of seventeen. Where a giddy fool like 
 myself got more than mashed on you. 
 
 That isn't the sorrow of an ordinary man that is 
 good-for-nothing. The day cometh when he sows 
 in joy and reaps in sorrow even now his honeymoon 
 is turned into mourning and bank checks into 
 kitchen furniture. She has already made an as- 
 sault on old father time by leaving no little store 
 account unsettled in the shape of bed and parlor 
 furniture, besides that he can finally rejoice that 
 she herself hasn't become parlor furniture, which is 
 often the case. 
 
 Advice should be given here. Young man it 
 
'A Victim of Self Confidence:" 
 
DOWN ON devil's CREEK. 2 1 
 
 Stands you in luck to deal in kitchen furniture on a 
 small scale, than parlor furniture by the boat load. 
 Kitchen furniture rings all the time alike, parlor 
 furniture depends on where it strikes. 
 
 With our heroine there is a combination of 
 parlor and kitchen furniture, but mostly kitchen. 
 Besides trying to please Good-for-nothing's intellect 
 by going to the counters, workshops and last of all 
 that despisable tobacco patch while he dances to 
 the tune of Yankee Doodle, and follows that 
 preacher from Jerusalem to Jericho, and don't 
 finally stop at bringing the preacher around to talk 
 to his benighted family, but those savage heathen 
 that devour much chicken and other articles. We 
 come together in the name of the Lord, to eat to 
 our soul's salvation. Lord fill me with thy hal- 
 lowed pleasure by going for the doctor at once. 
 While I pour out my contempt on Mrs. Good-a- 
 good's preserves and jelly cakes. 
 
 It seems strange that a preacher ever survives a 
 protracted meeting at any time. I would suppose 
 that the Lord had need for him or he would go 
 the way of all the earth. You let such a sinner as 
 Mr. Good-for-nothing take his shoes, the meeting 
 would close with a funeral which the preacher 
 would take as his text, "The way a tree falleth, so 
 it lies." Which would be hard on the preacher, to 
 say nothing of running his wife and children dis- 
 tracted, by the thought of not seeing that tree 
 planted on the battlement of Heaven. But where 
 the fire is not quenched or the worm dieth not, 
 
22 DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 
 
 thus there would be mourning and lamentation not 
 altogether by his devoted wife and children, but 
 by his good old brethren and sisters who would call 
 a halt between two opinions. 
 
 Man cannot live upon bread alone. Mr. Good- 
 for-nothing says that water is an indispensible ar- 
 ticle, often not stopping at water alone, trying to 
 see how much such a jug would hold. Which 
 would be enough to animate all the Devils of crea- 
 tion, and cause his mother-in-law to go crazy by 
 spitting her false teeth into the fire, and his devot- 
 ed wife mistake him for the infant and pinning that 
 enormous sheet over his head and thereby causing 
 great wrinkles to form over the spinal accessories, 
 and great bumps to collect over his head that can- 
 not be found in the phrenologist's vocabulary there- 
 by astonishing that venerable body of scientists, 
 they in turn by bringing out the astrologers and 
 magician supprises the world. I would in turn sug- 
 gest a remedy for such ills that affect humanity by 
 
 "Something Less Than a Barrel." 
 
 having distilleries in their ad to say how much alco- 
 hol their spirits contained, and the venerable bar- 
 keeper when an unruly customer came around that 
 
DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 23 
 
 wanted something less than a barrel instead of add- 
 ing thereunto more overjoy, let him have Adam's 
 ale which would often save his credit besides being 
 sawed into by Mrs. Good-a-good's lingual vocabu- 
 laries and by Mr. Good-for-nothing's prohibition 
 enemies. 
 
 My sympathies are supposed to be liberal. God 
 bless those institutions that say to the damnable 
 curse of liquor, "away with it," you don't have to 
 go to Bethlehem to find a prohibition advocate 
 alone. They still inhabit a small portion of the old 
 and new vvorld, to say nothing of their controlling 
 influence in politics, the horror of the average poli- 
 tician and the sorrow of the aristocrat behind the 
 throne. Mrs. Good-a-good's boys are not all so bad 
 after all. They build churches and school houses 
 and plant academies and colleges that enlighten 
 the land in so much that at no late day I would not 
 be surprised to see a steam locomotive sailing 
 through the air along with one of Uncle Sam's most 
 noted battle ships, and freight would not be taken 
 on only in high places. 
 
 Some of his children are not so bad after all. 
 There is my all go first. There is her all go first 
 that will stand shaking. The application of the 
 rod lightens the burden of both father and mother, 
 but alternately damns the ones that come after. 
 They find their parent's natural forces abated, and 
 generally have a fine time doing as they please, If 
 going as far as to get hung by the ueck until dead, 
 and if not so lucky as all of that try a job of beat- 
 
24 DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 
 
 ing rock for a livelihood, which goes against the 
 grain. If the applicant don't get such a job as 
 this he will often bring down his parents in sorrow 
 to the grave by his own unthoughtfulness, dig his 
 parents' grave and nail the commandments with 
 oaths and lies, so that the ten truthes will be as a 
 bitter morsel under their lips for their abomination 
 reacheth the skies. But still the good always if not 
 quite compensates for the evil. Where you are 
 running one devil down there is one hundred get- 
 ting up. Which so greatly outnumbers the good 
 two to one that free silver is turned to lead and gold 
 is turned to tingling brass, and the average preach- 
 er often don't know which from the other. Man at 
 best is born of a few days and full of evil. So Mrs. 
 Good I don't care how good he or she is very light- 
 ly compensated for their troubles and cares in their 
 attention toward their little ones, or in other words 
 they found that a loai of bread however large will 
 not go around, and that a bad boy or girl is sure to 
 get more than their share; then the monkey dances 
 to a hundred and ten and their parents to an early 
 grave. 
 
 A special guidance here would not be out of 
 place. Without that some bad boy or girl should 
 go to a ball or picnic and dance to the tune of Bal- 
 timore and having a house built just across the road 
 from his or her parents, which would be entirefy 
 too close to be healthy. Such things as horse 
 shoes and rabbit feet might not keep off disease 
 that lurks under that paternol roof, for Mrs. Good- 
 

 Dance io the Tune of Baltimort- 
 
DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 2$ 
 
 a-good's tongueis tied up to-day but there is sure to 
 be a storm gathering for to-morrow. With which 
 which the song of Baltimore will have to take in 
 her or his horn or get them knocked off, for their 
 trouble, and a divorce granted, leaving Baltimore 
 to grind on the hand organ and Mr. Good-for- 
 Nothing to dance to the tune of one hundred and 
 fifty dollars a year. It would make no difference 
 where his head would strike the earth or his heels 
 touched the sky. There would always be a con- 
 flab amounting to jibs and jabs to say nothing of 
 violence that would follow between her mother-in- 
 law and mother on one side, her brother and sisters 
 on his side, and the same with a legion of devils on 
 the other. You might say this is all chin music, 
 sung by one who knows not the woes that are at- 
 tached to matrimony. Without the faintest 
 glimpse of the future nevertheless it stands us in 
 hand to go about it easy and sign a contract not to 
 live with the old man or woman or just across the 
 road, where our fame will be wafted to the four 
 corners of the earth and where the devil will go a 
 fishing without any bait and catch such things as 
 divorces and good-for-nothing men. 
 
 All men are not quite so ill disposed neither do 
 they contract a matrimonial alliance to live with 
 the old folks for it often is the case they live far 
 apart where Mrs. Good-a-good can occasionally 
 speak through a long distance telephone long 
 enough to say all is well except the old man he 
 found a hair in the pudding which caused his abdo- 
 
26 
 
 DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 
 
 minal muscles to convulse and throw off their slow 
 fermenting contents. I would have more to say 
 but they are trying to shut me off for this time. Be 
 
 "Where the Devil will go a Fishing." 
 
 sure to give that old devil a beating and while you 
 are at it give him one for me. Do it quickly and 
 then tell me your success; good-bye, bring your 
 little girl and boy and leave that old devil at home 
 to attend to the dumb brutes and to eat burnt bis- 
 cuits and drink scared water. So come at once to 
 the fireside of your indulgent father and mother. 
 
 All is well that ends well, but the bad is sure to 
 follow. But a mother-in-law to the end of the 
 
DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 2/ 
 
 world, to taunt you about the burden you have to 
 carry and will knock your heels out from under you. 
 So that you will hear it thunder when the sky is 
 clear, and the thermometer registers zero, and 
 when that luminous orb stands at a hundred and 
 ten in the shade. Nothing short of committing 
 murder sideways with an old fashioned bulldog pis- 
 tol or scaring the life out of the children by falling 
 over the fence will bring your mother-in-law to re- 
 pentance. And then be sure you have broken one 
 of your arms or legs so as the doctor has to splinter 
 it, she may be on hands to say you are the most 
 careless man in the world, next time break your 
 neck. 
 
 In every condition, in sickness or in health, you 
 find many ministering spirits, who guide the world 
 even in that obscure hour of midnight she ministers 
 with one hand and reproves with the other. Per- 
 haps her husband has divided the bed and has given 
 her tne bedrail not to say anything sometimes of 
 the floor, such a combination in one night would 
 be too much for any ordinary intelligence. The 
 thought would make the hair stand on Mrs. Good- 
 a-good's head and such a trouncing her good-for- 
 nothing husband had since his mother thought it a 
 charity to chastise her little goodness for acting the 
 truant for not going to school so that he might 
 grow up in the knowledge and truth that a wife's 
 place is in the bed and not under was an indispenc- 
 ible truth not to be winked at. 
 
 Some men hunt trouble and find obstructions 
 
26 DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 
 
 that an electric car would be shivered into splinters 
 and the motorman into limburger cheese to say 
 nothing of the ghoul that perpetrated the deed un- 
 der the guidance of some special pretense. He 
 imagines that his wife holds intercourse with some 
 other villain besides himself and Mr. Good-for- 
 nothing stays out until a late hour is evidence 
 enough to convict a wooden man. He expects to 
 seethe stars fall, but alas in vain, instead of seeing 
 them tall the little angel of light fills him with 
 about seven bullets from a pepper box she has on 
 hand besides being humiliated and standing the 
 chance of getting well or of dying and going to hell. 
 
 "But the wind bloweth where he listeth," the 
 earth is full of violence and the devil full of fun. 
 Nor do you have to go from the big house into the 
 kitchen to hear what is going on in there. Perhaps 
 you would do well to meditate upon the horror of 
 the tomb before you tantalize about this thing, and 
 that, she hasn't done and don't intend to. Many 
 difficult questions have remained unsolved by such 
 obtrusions. Being a good woman the very laws of 
 nature propel her various ways. Therefore a flaunt- 
 ing intellect need not apply to show her how a 
 johnnycake is baked or a bean is quartered, or you 
 find she lives on one side of the house and you on 
 the other. Besides he has as many relatives to die 
 with dyspepsia as she has. 
 
 A foolish man hides his lamp under a bushel, 
 and his wife comes along and stumbles over it. He 
 don't stop at having her shins broken. She pines 
 
DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 29 
 
 away and becomes a shadow in a dreary waste, 
 until he comes to the end there is nobody willing to 
 help him. Then he has time to meditate what 
 might have been had he let someone else break 
 their neck but him. Nothing short of a transition 
 from the tomb, he is ready to do penance and 
 dance jigs to a mill stone the remainder of his al- 
 lotted time, which is not long at best, and the devil 
 will borrow trouble when this revolting scoundrel 
 applies for a passport beyond where all devils dance 
 to the same tune and handle the same rake. 
 
 Winds of adversity may come; you find that 
 spirit true unto death. The man that finds his 
 wife more pleasanter than the frowning world and 
 when he comes to die he will expire in those loving 
 embraces that he is not ashamed of. When the 
 earth brings him low, she lightens the shadows of 
 adversity, compels the gloom to vanish like a 
 spectre of hobgoblins through the midnight air, of 
 pleasant dreams and then you come to be your 
 former self. While obscurity vanishes in formid- 
 able attire, and applause rings to the ends of the 
 earth, which shall be a golden pathway reaching 
 to the throne of God, where all former things shall 
 have passed away and there will be no more night. 
 
 .What has a man more than his own soul ? To 
 the one that fears God an echo of receding 
 ages comes down through the annals of time, 
 touching the soft places in a man's heart and lift- 
 ing him from the degredation of this earth. What 
 could be more than a wife ? Why has the Goddess 
 
30 DOWN ON DEVILS CREEK. 
 
 of Liberty prevailed in every land and clime ? 
 While she to-day threatens with one hand to an- 
 nihilate and the other to soothe, is not justice 
 weighed in her balance ? Is she found wanting ? 
 No vampire can suck the veins of her children 
 without remorse. More or less deck himself with 
 glittering stones and say he is no widower, and is 
 not responsible for the blood shed at his hands, for 
 only time will compensate to bring his designings 
 to naught. 
 
 The time has come when the tyrant would do 
 well to be humble to the street urchins. Then 
 will the shadow of the twentieth century be real- 
 ized. That stripling to-day breathes the air of 
 liberty of kings, and rejoices in a well-fed mind, 
 capable of surmounting the various difficulties. 
 Will progress and invention stop here ^ No. 
 Knowledge shall increase. His daughters shall sit 
 in the highway of men and say I am no widow, 
 neither have I a widow's garb, nor will I sing a 
 tedeum and chant to an unknown dead for the sake 
 of a few paltry dollars, which the gods of remorse 
 has given thee. Are not her days numbered and 
 the echoes of preceding generations at hand ? 
 
 What will this century terminate in ? Will not 
 the glorious excelsus bring to a close such a strife, 
 or will the burden of this life be greater than we 
 can bear when father is conspiring against his wife 
 and children, and the key note of age is being 
 sounded in remorse. The views of the children 
 conflicting at every turn, how long will the devil 
 
DOWN ON DEVILS CKEKK. 3 I 
 
 hang a rope about your neck, and still you go un- 
 hung to your jails and penitentiaries. This will 
 not always last. The time will shortly dawn when 
 parent's hearts will be turned toward the children, 
 and the hell and infamy of ages will reel apace and 
 the thunder of centuries will come tumbling down 
 as you are in the spirit born. As a child of God 
 abide steadfast and waiting. 
 
 When that good-for-nothing nobody shall have 
 absconded to realms to perish with those that 
 forgot God and create a refuse to strangle the 
 nation in his wake. He will not leave behind him 
 hieroglyphics of a preceding past. Gone and for- 
 gotten — a shaddowless ray — to the hills of the 
 dead, where all nature decays ; where he will not 
 sound his trumpet for the past time and forever. 
 Man dwelleth under his own vine and fig tree, and 
 the fountains rain down earth in the presence of 
 God, and the water goeth out unto the east and 
 the west, and man dwells in the presence of God 
 forever and forever. 
 
 So ends the first part. 
 
32 SOCIAL TRIUMPHS BEHIND THE THRONE. 
 
 SOCIAL TRIUMPHS BEHIND THE 
 THRONE. 
 
 This part will consist of the boy stealing the 
 old man's watermelons and taking them to the old 
 woman instead of the girl, getting drunk twice a 
 week and going to some public entertainment and 
 scaring the life out of the small boy by brandish- 
 ing a pistol with one hand and a savage looking 
 fist with the other, and paying from $50 to $100 
 fine for their imprudence. Then will the sympa- 
 thies of the twentieth century woman be fully 
 aroused to the fact that perhaps he wants to 
 marry and is afraid to say the word. Perhaps 
 Good-for-nothing will then change his quiet mode 
 of living and settle down to facts about dollars and 
 cents. 
 
 Where sociability triumphs before the throne, 
 and the dog shows what he is made out of. Per- 
 haps before he would hardly eat enough to keep a 
 chicken alive and was as trim as an arrow. Now 
 she wonders why the Devil didn't give her a wash- 
 ing tub instead of a hog to feed. Perhaps you 
 have seen him before he contracted that matri- 
 monial alliance — when all were smiles. Now they 
 live as far apart as San Francisco is from New 
 York, and when those loving smiles meet now, it is 
 
SOCIAL TRIUMPHS BEHIND THE THRONE. 33 
 
 when he has gained some particular point that she 
 was to blame for his getting drunk and staying out 
 until the late hour of morning. Then Cupid will 
 frown, and the air will have an unsavory smell 
 before sunrise. He will then dance to the tune of 
 "Old Dan Tucker," and will be going around try- 
 ing to find a partner for the next set. 
 
 It is not for the preacher to say, or the average 
 politician to declare that he is entirely free of the 
 vanities of this world. Who is it that will not 
 coquette a woman to see whether she is much 
 broken up about him, or will have the imprudence 
 to say, "Are you mashed.^" If you are, mash 
 ahead. Probably you are not the only one in that 
 fix, and if you were he might remedy it. So he 
 treads on your toes, and then you say, "You good- 
 for-nothing scoundrel." You know he will say, 
 "Now you are mad because you cannot be number 
 two." Perhaps he has more than two already, and 
 he would not object to a dozen if it would not be 
 found out on him. 
 
 Probably the midnight assassin would be more 
 humane than a score of young denizens in a full- 
 fledged watermelon patch just before or after some 
 party or peach cutting. Their doctor don't object 
 much to either, provided they have not already 
 worn out their welcome; then it would pay to 
 bring out the chemist and patent medicine man 
 with their instruments to analyze their virulent 
 contents. Morever, leave an ad. hanging to every 
 melon : "This melon is not for sale," and raw eggs 
 
34 SOCIAL TRIUMPHS BEHIND THE THRONE. 
 
 and soda water are a first-class antidote against 
 poisons. 
 
 A young man of sixteen poisoned by arsenic 
 after suffering in fearful agony for three days ex- 
 pired. His sweetheart said she will follow him 
 into the next world where there is no more water- 
 melons and arsenic. 
 
 Probably never before in the history of man 
 has those fatiguing games — roxy and buffalo — and 
 best liking been to so low an ebb. If one was 
 started some one would want to know where 
 Mendelssohn's wedding march began with fooling 
 me, and some young dude would want a pipe-stem 
 from that canebreak, and would return home not 
 liking such doleful music; forgetting the water- 
 melon patch and singing, * 'Never Alone; No, Never 
 Alone," making the old people believe that they 
 had been to some great revival, and they now 
 knew that their redeemer liveth. A light would be 
 shining in the window and they would hardly hit 
 the door when those insane old folks would be 
 shouting hallelujah and try to knock the roof off. 
 
 Survival of the fittest is gained by separating 
 the sheep from the goats, but who would stand a 
 treat on it that they would stay in their place. 
 Nothing but some old insane intellect that didn't 
 know goats from sheep, and would turn them 
 together and say go it goats I knew you were 
 mules. What preacher of to-day would say, "My 
 sheep Cometh when they are called " without there 
 was a close communion given out a month ahead; 
 
SOCIAL TRIUMPHS BEHIND THE THRONE. 35 
 
 then there would be such a bleating that he would 
 think now or never is the time to send out his pick- 
 pockets and see what he could find in the shape of 
 coppers and nickels to lower the champagne fund. 
 
 There is no telling why a J^oung man should not 
 be compelled to marry when he has become of age, 
 without it is that he has not begun to chew well 
 enough, or he is good for nothing except chewing. 
 Then there should be a bridge from his plate to his 
 mouth, and those weary monsters in the shape of 
 pigs and calves could be conveyed with safety. As 
 it is he frets and squirms ere long after the mid- 
 night hour and dreams of maggots and green flies 
 that would make your hair stand up straight and 
 eyes bulge out of your head ; and, bah ! I don't 
 like meat nohow — next time kill a bear, provided 
 the killing is not to be done by me. 
 
 The smartest men that ever walked are to be 
 found from Labrador to Cape Horn, inhabiting the 
 main lands of Europe, Asia and Africa, and begins 
 at Jim Tom and goes to Jim Son. They are sub- 
 divided into two or more classes, entirely de- 
 pendent on their heighth, weight and how pretty I 
 am, to say nothing of their scandalous lies, of 
 whence they came and where art thou going. 
 Belonging to the scrub family you once were a 
 scrub, and was twice a scrub, and still a scrub, and 
 "Where art thou going, Hannah ? Wait for this 
 scrub." If you will give him his time this same 
 scrub will grow into timber fit to build palaces and 
 churches, and will soon gorge the mouth of the 
 
36 SOCIAL TRIUMPHS BEHIND THE THRONE. 
 
 Mississippi with floating bridges and wrecked 
 steamboats. 
 
 Now the question lays, can a father or mother 
 who has toiled until their little ones are of age. 
 Shall they not make their living by the sweat of 
 their brow, and eat meat, if it is nothing but rab- 
 bit mixed along with bread and water } Gives 
 food to their weary limbs and reproach to their ap- 
 petites. You take a well-stuffed dude that is used 
 to swallowing the contents of a pot laden with 
 meat, beans and potatoes and give him the trial of 
 seeing how it came, he will go a begging for the 
 crumbs that fall from the table, and he and the 
 dogs will have a combat over the bones, in which 
 the dogs will be bait for the buzzards and he will 
 be baited for matrimony. 
 
 Touching are the scenes when a clodhopper 
 has concluded that he is three times seven. When 
 he is not really twice seven he begins to spurt 
 around among the women, and thinks his parents 
 have been already compensated for having such a 
 wretch born to their credit. There is sure then 
 to be something bursted, if it i^ not anything more 
 than this young dude's head, or receive a remuner- 
 ative reward of a slipper or boot heel and a lesson 
 in Dutch, beginning with the hoe handle and end- 
 ing by using those beautiful hands on the side 
 next to the sun. 3uch a lad led gently in this 
 way will be a reproach "to the scornful and an ad- 
 vertisement to com^. 
 
 What is contained in a big head of to-day, as 
 
SOCIAL TRIUMPHS BEHIND THE THRONE. 37 
 
 he loafs around our towns and cities. Would it, 
 if all of it could be collected at the same time, fill 
 a paper box with none to spare. They are as 
 much needed as a mule needs an arithmetic, or a 
 cow needs algebra, to say nothing about the sport 
 they have in tow for their betters. Show me a 
 business man of to-day. He does not care whether 
 this old woman carries an umbrella, or that young 
 lady a parasol, or that young man wears number 
 tens or that lady twelves. Money — money brings 
 you money; save your credit tor the next time, 
 and then leave that at the next store. Terms, 
 strictly cash. No big-headed dude need apply. 
 One face is better looking than two upon the same 
 neck. Times are hard — ten-cent bums by the 
 dozens. 
 
 Whom to repose confidence. Apply at your 
 mother's heart, and it shall be given to overflow- 
 ing, to say nothing of the wise counsel she has in 
 store for you. When her evening lustre has shed 
 its halo around your head, then you shall grow as 
 a branch to the gigantic trees of Lebanon — an idol 
 of a mother's heart, a light in the windov>^ of a 
 mother's love that shall tread in the highway of 
 men who will adore the beautiful and stand stead- 
 fast in that which is good. Then enjoy a remuner- 
 ative reward beyond where the false cannot go, or 
 the undisciplined cannot enter, or gather strength 
 where we shall abide in the morning of the light, 
 giving the fruits thereof unto the healing of the 
 nations. 
 
 Close of the second book. 
 
38 THE BRANCHING DOURAS. 
 
 THE BRANCHING DOURAS. 
 
 On all sides comes the praise of the branching 
 douras, living amid the vine-clad hills of Zion, will- 
 ing at all times to do the will of Christ. Has none 
 of the characteristics of Brother Good-for-nothing. 
 "Inasmuch as ye did it unto these little ones, ye 
 did it unto me." His home was the sunshine of 
 truth and of moral and religious liberty. There is 
 played the ' 'Roll is called up yonder" along with the 
 tune of "Haven of Rest." When the twilight has 
 settled over the earth, he breathes a breath of 
 prayer, while the hearts of his family pulsate in the 
 same chord along with their Maker. His children 
 vie with one another who shall do the greatest 
 honor, for it is written, "Thou shalt honor thy 
 father and mother, so that thy days shall be long 
 upon earth." God is good on every occasion — in 
 sickness or in health he was not found wanting; 
 his ministering hand was felt through the darkness 
 and the gloom; his watchwords were a cup of cold 
 water, given in thy name and shall be counted 
 worthy of thee, besides there were no tide to be 
 turned, because their words were spoken with wis- 
 dom that had not to be recalled. He first sought 
 the kingdom and its righteous, and then did his 
 duty toward God and man ; then more than all 
 
THE BRANCHING DOURAS. 39 
 
 things were added unto him. He rode in the char- 
 riot, but oftener in a wagon along with his devoted 
 wife and children. He knew how to make a dollar 
 and make it honestly. He provided for his house- 
 hold in a way astonishing to behold. Nor did he 
 put up any special pretense to get out of work, and 
 when he went for pies and chicken .some small boy 
 would not have the imprudence to say, "Hog don't 
 take it all." At least he left manners wherever he 
 went. His usefulness establishes him in the church 
 and Sunday-school. He was a pillar set up in 
 Zion, in which he was the light thereof that shown 
 in darkness. Neither do the bums and small boys 
 make light of him, but when an unruly thing that 
 don't respect man or the Devil comes in his way, 
 he gets such a shaking up that the Devil thinks his 
 chances are slim for another roast. x\t no time 
 does his interest fag through rain or snow or chill- 
 ing storm, nor does he call in the d — ms to offset 
 other's compunction; for he will greet you with 
 "God be with you," besides he knows he was a boy 
 himself. Neither does he disturb the little ones in 
 their merriment, but he sends forth these words of 
 wisdom unto the boy and grown men that "Solo- 
 mon said when he was a child he did as a child, 
 but when he became a man he put away childish 
 things." 
 
 His charity is boundless and free; his name is 
 known in every good work; his wife and children 
 miss him much when he is away; his return lightens 
 the shadow and gloom, for are not these the in- 
 
40 THE BRANCHING DOURAS. 
 
 separable attributes of God. When the propelling 
 hand of nature shall separate the soul from this 
 carnal bod3^ shall not this soul live on in the minds 
 of his family and many friends that lived around 
 him. His fire neither goes out by day nor his light 
 by night. 
 
 Economy is his watchword; his credit is un- 
 shaken and his integrity a stand-by. He wants 
 not the sympathy of a frowning world, neither does 
 he care whether the monkey dances or not. His 
 claim is on Jesus, where he leans for repose; while 
 the barnyard fowl knows his ever voice and come 
 at his call, and his neighbors shudder at the thought 
 of losing a jewel so rare. His never-ending motto 
 is "To do unto thy neighbors as you would wish 
 them to do unto you." His is a never-endless 
 wisdom which proceed out of the throne of God. 
 
 We come to his home. The ideal home of rest; 
 which suits our nature; and nothing more, for such 
 a home how blessed. Covered with crops of grow- 
 ing grain, which shows a smiling plenty, where 
 even the rabbit knows his confines as well as the 
 warlike races of Europe knew theirs. Around his 
 yard plays and frolics that noble gray squirrel, 
 knowing not the dangers common to Mr. Good- 
 for-nothing's farm animals. When he needs two 
 rails instead of one he uses them, which insures 
 peace to the community and credit to his bank ac- 
 count. His horses represent that noble animal 
 that astonishes not only his master in the swiftness 
 of his flight, but an admiring world. Not only his 
 
The Ideal Home of Rest. 
 
THE BRANCHING DOURAS. 4I 
 
 movement, but at all times controls the destiny of 
 men, that a nation however powerful would be 
 vanquished and brought low. 
 
 However much has been said in the past of that 
 noble animal, the horse, the fiery steed of the 
 Arabian, and the prancing charger Bucephelous 
 are entirely or quite insignificant to our American 
 horses. In no other land and age, where can you 
 find a Sunol or Salvador and others too numerous 
 to mention. No wonder we point with pride to 
 the races. Who knows but some day he will gain 
 his lost prestige by outstripping the fastest locomo- 
 tive ? The wild Bedouin of the desert and various 
 tribes of Asia and Africa know the value of good 
 cattle, but it's reserved for Europe and America to 
 perfect in weight and milk-giving quantities. The 
 comparison is such that the Mustang pony is insig- 
 nificant beside the great Norman stallion. The 
 health and wealth of nations or the strength thereof 
 for all time to come. 
 
 Who is it that cannot point with pride to that 
 animal, the dog ? What animal has been more 
 watchful, and what has sounded the approach of 
 enemies more .? You only have to ask that small 
 boy whether his dog trees coons or rabbits, or 
 whether that shepherd objects to your coming at 
 the late hour of nine to see your best girl. Nor 
 will you point your finger at the great mastiff and 
 say, "There's no one at home to-day." The pride 
 of the midnight hunter and the foe of the invader. 
 The cat, a natural prowler, finds a warm fireside 
 
42 THE BRANCHING DOURAS. 
 
 on a winter's day. There Branching Douras points 
 out a great number and variety to his admiring 
 friends and relatives. Even the Methodist preacher 
 is surprised to find the barnyard fowl so tame. 
 The right reverend thinks it is a shame that the 
 gobbler dances and struts around, knowing there 
 is something to eat besides gobblers and roosters. 
 
 I want to point you to the stern realities of this 
 world. Branching Douras is to be compared to the 
 great banyan tree, but not so lofty or majestic. 
 There comes a cry on all sides, "Will the money 
 shark devour the common people's substance, and 
 leave the world in darkness and slavery.?" The 
 wants of the savage are few, in so much that a few 
 Tagals say with impunity "We want but little here 
 below." 
 
 We know Uncle Sam is strong. "Keep your 
 goods and chatties," but send your men along. You 
 talk of taxation, and trusts, and monopolies; you 
 point with glowing pride at her industries, her man- 
 ufactories and mining. Her agricultural products 
 know no bound, and other nation's hearts are fail- 
 ing them with fear. But still the cry goes up on 
 all sides that taxes are higher, money is dearer and 
 credit is impaired, when every town and city is 
 fairly alive with industries. Probably at no time 
 in history have they known such bounds. 
 
 How many flowers are born unseen ? I don't 
 know but what ther's fully as many seen. You 
 common people that breathe the very life and sun- 
 shine cannot see only with a wicked gleam in your 
 
THE BRANCHING DOURAS. 43 
 
 eye. The flowers that are born within our cities 
 you imagine vain things, as "Wouldn't I like to live 
 yonder, surrounded with luxury;" when the strug- 
 gling in that home is possibly far greater than in 
 your own; and, besides, put you in the counting- 
 room, you would shortly be sent to the insane 
 asylum, or a fit subject for hell. No wonder such 
 longings are vain. "There's a time and place ap- 
 pointed to every nation, kindred and tongue." Are 
 you able to raise these things up, or do you need 
 raising up with a blacksnake yourself ? Have you 
 no city friends ? Have you no soul ? Has your 
 light gone out ? If not, it shines in the hidden 
 parts of the earth. Was not Christ a great com- 
 moner? Did he wish Jerusalem any harm. No, he 
 wept over it saying, * 'Oh, Jerusalem, Jerusalem, " etc. 
 
 Money is only a circulating medium at best. 
 But when it comes to the worst, the ten-cent bum 
 is left without credit and cash. What he had 
 he spent it like a flash. Our lives are a flash 
 at best. But the man that is afraid to use his 
 talent because he is entrusted with it, needs no 
 more. 
 
 The man that is afraid to spend a dollar, or let 
 somebody else have it, needs no more. No wonder 
 an Englishman looks, on an American as a hoarder 
 of gold. Imagines with horror at him becoming 
 the mistress of the sea. Do you wonder at the 
 bank robberies year after year } Sudden richesl 
 
 Bring on the hearse ! Hurry yourself to a pre- 
 mature grave — only to satisfy a longing desire, and 
 
44 THE BRANCHING DOURAS. 
 
 then go where the whang doodle burneth and the 
 viperavertical spitfire of fear. 
 
 Needless to say Branching Douras inherits the 
 qualities just mentioned. You see that noble spirit 
 
 "Bring on the Hearse!" 
 
 guiding the world, trying to remedy that which is 
 not good and utterly bearing down the barrier to 
 that which hinders civilization. He goes to his 
 field and he makes an honest dollar. He goes to 
 his merchant and he spends it. He hoards not his 
 money, nor does he fear the midnight assassin; 
 sleeping in repose until the dawn of day. Each 
 day brings sunshine to his soul; he finds it well to 
 live in the land of his fathers; that to live is the 
 spring time of youth and to die is to fall asleep in 
 Jesus, and the world goes on still remembered for 
 what he has done. That this world was a bubble, 
 the world has felt it course in his veins, and with 
 one accord say, "Indeed a prince has fallen in 
 Israel." His children speak in reverence of him at 
 the gate. 
 
■The Flowers That Are Born Within Our Cities. 
 
TILL HE COMES. 45 
 
 TILL HE COMES, 
 
 Are not these the flowing attributes of the Sav- 
 ior, Branching Douras' household sits at thy feet, 
 nor is it any written injunction that has gone forth. 
 But honor thy father and thy mother. Don't have 
 to be spoken of in the singular, but always in the 
 plural. The rod has been the ruling power of all 
 ages, but the day has come that moral suasion can 
 do more in a day than a club can do in a month. A 
 rod is now applied only to cats and dogs, and that 
 only at night. So the fearful weapon of the past 
 has become a dead branch thereof that is more 
 
 "Has Become a Dead Branch." 
 
 often used by the natural child to thrash out bum- 
 ble bees, and yellow jackets, than it is used to 
 thrash the natural child with no sting and bite. 
 
 However, there is occasionally an innocent 
 creature born into Branching Douras' household, 
 but it's days are numbered; possibly a day don't 
 pass before whatever it is has become the masculine 
 
46 TILL HE COMES. 
 
 or feminine singular, of the power, that be. Al- 
 ways rather singular, more of a night than of a 
 day, inheriting the temper and eating qualities of 
 both sides of the family. The wonder is in one of 
 those fits of colic that happens soon after its advent 
 that it is not given out in the ad of the newspaper, 
 that between the sum of six and a half-dozen were 
 born to the credit of Mr. and Mrs. Douras. 
 
 Parents of moderate circumstances and a few 
 old clothes would not be an objection, nice wajm 
 milk a necessity. 
 
 The tares grew up into both households. Good- 
 for-nothing lives over across the way. He has a 
 place already prepared for Douras which his Father 
 in Heaven has not, nor will he suffer Douras to in- 
 herit eternal life until he has raised all kinds of 
 hell. But the one most longed for is to have a 
 union of the two household then he will have two 
 fiddles to play upon instead of one. So racking 
 boys you can't do like me. Eternally an object of 
 charity 4:hat perpetually inhabits Douras' household. 
 That he has permitted to live because his fears are 
 greater than the repose which come to a man that 
 stands in his lot at the end of the day. 
 
 Douras' flowers are as enchanting as nature is 
 sublime. Carnations line his way, the hibiscus in 
 all its glory indica-sela. Pure begonias and achillas 
 constant blooming in the cemetery wild. Nor can 
 you count the thorny cactus to be an accursed 
 child. Where the midnight storm-cloud rises in 
 the morning, and the red dragon holds its sway; 
 
TILL HE COMES. 47 
 
 pre-eminently beautiful geraniums, lined along the 
 way. The fragrant rosemary palms in the breeze 
 doth flow, the hardy climbers grow weary each 
 year, stronger grow. In his house a hydrangea, 
 peonas and ever blooming rose, magnificent hard 
 roses in his garden grow. But still there's room 
 for Branching Douras. His God has room you 
 know. 
 
 Of all that is in heaven and earth Douras' four- 
 footed animals takes the day. In the morning he 
 calls on his Gods to get up, and what he has not got 
 for them to eat the Gods only know, and what he 
 has isn't worth the knowing, and through the day 
 attend they are uttermost in his heart, his friend 
 that plays thunder with mortgages, enhancing them 
 in value to about ten per cent, on every dollar, 
 every three months in the year, always going down 
 in value at the time he is ready to sell, and that is 
 why he always plays hell. At night dreaming 
 worst with his eyes open he now sees that Jordan 
 is a hard road to travel and it is a hard matter to 
 keep his soul from going to the devil. His houses 
 and land do not make a fool of him, neither does 
 he inhabit the kitchen or disturb the Dominecker 
 hen. For he don't consider his head is worth the 
 pecking and his eyes deceive him not. His claim 
 is that on Jesus he reposes his many trials and dis- 
 asters to that most noble wife, and reaps the re- 
 ward of consolation that strengthen him on earth 
 (or heaven. Neither does he vex her weary soul 
 by laying awake at night telling what this tom-cat 
 
48 TILL HE COMES. 
 
 has done and what the other hasn't, and what dog 
 has a bone and what dog went unfed. And finally 
 wakes up the devil and his angels by calling upon 
 his grandmother to witness how a Johnnie cake 
 was baked. That fleas inhabit dogs and women, 
 and roaches milk pitchers, and other things too 
 numerous to mention. He sleeps the sleep of the 
 faithful that does not deal in the inanimate objects 
 of this world. Branching Douras as a politician 
 has become famous now-a-days after having lived 
 his allotted days out on earth, imagines he ought 
 to be able to fill the office of coroner and perhaps 
 feed the numerous bums and crooks that infest the 
 brick house located on the public square. But this 
 isn't all, you find them in the hall of the legislature 
 dealing out how this was done, and reaping the re- 
 ward ol the people's consternation the next time 
 he wants to run for ofifice. 
 
 As a doctor he finds practice luminous. As to 
 paying, few and far between. He lacks one talent 
 that he is utterly devoid of and that is this: He 
 should advertise for sale this sick man's estate or 
 that woman's fine fashionable clothes. Meet me at 
 a certain hour on a certain day in the town of B. 
 So come with your pocketbook or pay your preacher 
 for your funeral. This would save endless trouble 
 and litigation after he is dead. But when he be- 
 comes a merchant money absconds to the realm of 
 the unknown, and what is known or ever was known 
 turns up in the shape of store accounts to say noth- 
 ing of the numerous articles that have gone out of 
 
TILL HE COMES. 49 
 
 fashion ten years before he invoiced them for him- 
 self. He generally finds some man with a few 
 loose dollars that wants to get rich in a very short 
 time, and will pull down that sign and put up others 
 that read like this: "New firm started." "High- 
 est prices paid on produce. Bring on the Domi- 
 necker hens at six cents a pound, and leave them 
 infernal old roosters at home." "We would gladly 
 
 "And Leave Them Infernal Old Roosters at Home." 
 
 like for you to drop in to see our new stock resur- 
 rected from last year and the years following. 
 A big consignment going at unheard of prices." 
 *'Sugar twenty pounds to the dollar and tomorrow 
 something less." I have gone far enough to illus- 
 trate some of the ordeals a merchant has to go 
 through with. When he wants to become a preacher 
 he is good enough anyhow, but the bad points will 
 bob up and perhaps he might have had a better rep- 
 utation playing keeps and pins to say nothing of 
 
50 
 
 TILL HE COMES. 
 
 flaxing this small boy or getting the peth beat out 
 of him by the fellow that didn't look like him. 
 Moreover the teacher don't give him the reputation 
 of being the bad boy of the school. His parents 
 
 "Dealing in White and Colored Individuals." 
 
 sends the goats to school and keeps him at home. 
 By so doing he grows up an honest industrious citi- 
 zen. While the goats regulate and fill what he 
 ought to have. As a lawyer he deals out unlawful 
 
TILL HE COMES. 5 I 
 
 presumptions mixed along with fines utterly abhor- 
 ing Good-for-nothing's taste and enhancing the 
 value of his fees about five hundred per cent, on 
 the dollar, thereby enabling him to live by himself 
 and as his practice grows live with a woman. 
 
 To see Branching Douras in all his glory is to 
 see him climbing the ladder of fame. You will see 
 through the numerous newspapers afloat in our 
 land where this fellow payed the fiddler, and where 
 the other fellow got left paying him also. Dealing 
 in white and colored individuals while his money 
 goes up they go down, besides all that head of late 
 has grown to the size of a washing tub, while on his 
 back is adorned advertisements of the leading men 
 from Noah on down, and this is not all, you might 
 imagine that he has the U. S. mints in that enor- 
 mous trouser pocket, and the bonds of the United 
 States in the other. To his coat sleeve is pinned 
 this inscription: "Real and unreal estate mort- 
 gages Kansas and Nebraska going to the highest 
 bidder, Pacific preferred going at two-fifty to the 
 dollar," that Buzzard bay is a long way to travel to 
 say nothing of the insurance he holds on his life 
 forever and ever. Let him become governor 
 or president or some other loud calling, the 
 fear of the opposite party be realized and the 
 heyday dreams of prosperity will diminish. Those 
 men with the big head will grow so fat that he has 
 become as second class matter, and four more years 
 to see it disappear forever, and set himself up as a 
 mote hunter for some company or corporation and 
 
52 TILL HE COMES. 
 
 go down in history as one of those individuals that 
 wanted more of the sorrow of this world than were 
 to be found. 
 
 What is more beautiful than the indica-zela 
 flourishing in our flower pits long after the ground 
 has become brown and bare ? A striking resemb- 
 lance might be found in many beautiful homes 
 through this land and country in the shape and 
 symmetry rivaling the Goddess of Venus that fell 
 from the heavens. What can an Apollo dream of 
 that will out-rival the beautiful azelas of the nine- 
 teenth century jnst budding into womanhood, the 
 pride of our home a star that will shine for many 
 days to come among hills and valleys, echo and 
 re-echo with that delightful merry maiden that will 
 become the joy of rustic youth for all time to come. 
 
 Who would dare to tread on the affection of 
 Beautiful Azela ? Nothing but the small boy that 
 knows no better. That seek retreat in the tops of 
 dog wood, black jack sapling none to quick to save 
 a skinned head. Who is not guilty of that impru- 
 dence that small boy inherits. At no particular 
 time is he satisfied in knowing, but the telling does 
 his heart good. The more string she carries to her 
 bow the less unwise he is about publishing it. The 
 ugliest old crone is sure to be one of her admirers 
 and among her best chances for matrimony. Also 
 presenting at time when she calls for someone else, 
 but who are you anyhow ? An Azela today, Mrs. 
 Douras tomorrow. A joy of a lifetime. 
 
 There's still a role to play in the shape of a 
 
TILL HE COMES. 53 
 
 great roomy parlor, where fox and ^eese is played. 
 Finally the geese are devoured one by one. That 
 leaves the world to darkness and to me, and the 
 twilight maiden to the repose of that artful craft 
 that tame the bashful artifice, a credit so undeserv- 
 ing that the insensible object has become an 
 object of charity in the arms of one that knows no 
 bound. Who would think she would forget this 
 perfect bliss only to make others think the time had 
 not come to carry on the war for an appointed time 
 and where between twilight and dawn, when there's 
 no objection sta}^ until morn. But always object 
 to stay longer where the roll is called to get up 
 yonder. 
 
 Let this room have an organ. Then will the 
 gruesome music roll out in the night and be heard 
 just over the fence in the old man's watermelon 
 patch by those young denizens that know no 
 bound only when there's an organ around. Then 
 he thinks he will steal a march on Old Father Time 
 by devoting the remainder of the night to *'Kiss me 
 now," and 'T wish that girl were mine" on his side 
 of the subject, and "Higher up the cherry tree," on 
 hers. Then will the winds of adversity howl, when 
 the old man and woman have become the music of 
 the hour by crying bedtime. There's sure to be 
 more melons plugged to partly satisfy natural curi- 
 osity and more for spite. 
 
 In this way melons are destroyed year after year 
 by the hands of some known and unknown assassin. 
 
 The artful artificer knows where the sun sets 
 
54 
 
 TILL HE COMES. 
 
 most beautifully. It is also left for the beautiful 
 azelas to know thy coming whether that be noon or 
 night, or whether the old man will have a hot re- 
 
 "The Old Man Will Have a Hot Reception Awaiting." 
 
 ception awaiting. He is not unaware her sympa- 
 thies are not cast down by her unnatural father's 
 ugly disposition. So cupid plays hide and seek 
 while the young man hides out and the old man is 
 going around seeking whom he may devour. But 
 "seeking the lost and kindly entreating" have been 
 sung in the past but will not suffice for the future 
 the time is come. Refrain, oh refrain ! That a 
 midnight march will not be undesirable, then will 
 the beautiful Azela become with great propriety the 
 artesan of the past. 
 
55 
 THE PLACE. 
 
 Shall the pathes our father craved, 
 
 Be at last our brother's grave; 
 Shall the careworn battle line 
 Be drawn afar off in that tropical clime. 
 
 Will the dawn or eve appear ? 
 
 Will such darkness be feared ? 
 Why did thou know the day wherein thy peace 
 Would be unto the nations as a feast ? 
 
 See how they gloat and boast their fame ; 
 
 Have we not victory over freedom's name, 
 Shall we not call the world our own, 
 And there proud liberties disenthrone ? 
 
 Wherein thy peace is stayed 
 
 From the cradle to the grave. 
 
 MARRIED. 
 
 Marrying makes a man hump it, 
 And quit blowing his trumpet ; 
 A man of sorrow it makes you till you die. 
 
 It's more than a blessing 
 That we find him a resting ; 
 To quit work he needn't try. 
 
 Do this, be clever, and that now or never; 
 
 Do not make a face so awful wry; 
 Bound in ties that cannot be severed, 
 Takes him whooping up forever. 
 
56 
 
 To get a passport he need not try; 
 
 He has a bill of Ems, 
 
 Sarah Jane and Little Jims — 
 More than that in a very short time — 
 
 And now he is in the swim 
 
 With his other poor kin — 
 His mother-in-law thus finds for him an easier 
 time. 
 
 EARTH'S GREAT DIVIDE. 
 
 How many untimely sunsets here.^ 
 
 How many weried visions of the past.^* 
 
 The same sunset everywhere 
 Will so long as time may last. 
 
 Oh lavish hand of bounty would it seem — 
 
 Have we been counted worthy. 
 Or was it only a dream. 
 
 Of midnight toil, or reckless despair. 
 
 Or have we pleased the Lord 
 Of intervening care. 
 
 For the same God looks down upon us all; 
 
 Earthly dominion rise! 
 Demands us at his call 
 
 To pass Earth's Great Divide. 
 
 TAKEN FROM A DREAM 
 
 Was not made to live but to die- 
 Such beauty never was seen 
 By the natural eye. 
 
57 
 
 Why should this tlower, 
 
 Of so few summers ago, 
 Be withered on the bower — 
 
 The gods only know. 
 
 Is it right to mourn, or dialect her name; 
 
 Such beauty was to be shorne. 
 Direct offspring of the same. 
 
 Nature opposed thee, 
 
 Most noble vision of the night; 
 Death, infamous, made the free; 
 
 Sweet memory has taken its flight. 
 
 Dark is the world without, 
 For all the gods shall mourn; 
 
 For who shall care for those fla.xen curls, 
 So rarely shorn. 
 
 The cardinal vision of the time 
 
 In which we have to move; 
 Imagery of the past, but so sublime, 
 
 Old Nature here shall prove. 
 
 A DEMAND. 
 
 Now, haven't I got you. 
 
 For I have another test; 
 I have lived a bachelor, it's been true, 
 
 But you may sing the rest. 
 
 Or bake it for yourself — 
 
 You may eat the bachelor 
 When there's nothing left. 
 
58 
 
 I am particularly fond 
 Of dried apples stewed — 
 
 The truth of the business is, 
 I'm more than fond of you. 
 
 So please now and don't be bold — 
 
 A cold shoulder throw; 
 You know where I live at now, 
 
 For it's nothing old. 
 
 Now, may I demand. 
 
 Your loving heart and little hand. 
 May you answer me 
 
 Whether this is true, 
 And if you don't, I'm done with you. 
 
 WHAT SHE IS. 
 
 She's a floater and a voter, 
 
 A westerner that pays; 
 She's that crack marksman 
 
 That hits at every blaze. 
 
 She's a pooler and a fooler, 
 
 One that drinks gin; 
 She admires the ice-cream cooler, 
 
 Also the men. 
 
 She's a huckster and a cluxter. 
 For she has many whims; 
 
 Always darnation clever, 
 Is why she's in the swim. 
 
59 
 
 She's a hater and a bleater, 
 And knows how to begin; 
 
 Always hates the women 
 And loves the men. 
 
 HER TICKET. 
 
 She said she dearly loved him, 
 Although his head was bald; 
 
 She said she married him for love, 
 But that wasn't all. 
 
 He was as peart as a cricket. 
 
 But as gray as a rat; 
 Money was her ticket — 
 
 What do you think of that. 
 
 But alas ! She got a Scotchman, 
 Whose only fake was rum; 
 
 At night she staid by herself, 
 
 In the morning home he'd come. 
 
 He was a dude without guessing. 
 That would break a looking glass; 
 
 One that had special objections 
 To her using his cash. 
 
 GOOD LOOKING. 
 
 There's never a back so broad. 
 
 Or eyes so dim, 
 That somebody would say, 
 
 It was good looking. 
 
There's never a head so white. 
 
 Or beard so gray — 
 Enough of money, 
 
 Would take it away. 
 
 There's a man without wit 
 
 That takes the day; 
 A man without feet 
 That walks any way. 
 There's a man with a hooked nose, 
 His life is unsettled and full of woes. 
 
 I 
 
 MUCH TOO SMALL. 
 
 Your maiden name is much too small 
 
 I tell you what I'll do — 
 I'll be obliged then, 
 
 To marry you. 
 
 I'm much of a cobbler, 
 
 As the name goes; 
 A pretty peart gobbler, 
 
 Gobble when I choose. 
 
 And if you think I amount to much. 
 And have sense enough to marry, 
 
 Then back your judgment on such — 
 I'm fast on getting married. 
 
 Just set the day then, 
 
 When the thing will be done right; 
 The place where or when, 
 
 And then we'll be in the fight. 
 
6i 
 
 Be sure then, 
 
 It there's no objections — 
 Name the time, where and when, 
 
 And we will have a reckoning. 
 The proudest day of my life — 
 
 When will the woman come, 
 When we'll be pronounced man and wife- 
 
 Don't you think that will be soon. 
 Be aware, Miss, 
 
 Before this life is done — 
 For I'm the man to do all I can — 
 
 Just say now, "I'm the one." 
 Is it for clothes that I have not. 
 
 That you have almost forgotten; 
 I'll go and cast in my lot, 
 
 And buy another cotton. 
 Then will I let you bang your hair- 
 Only turn me loose — 
 Makes no difference what you wear. 
 
 But don't be a goose. 
 I beg your pardon. Little Miss, 
 
 For I'm getting weary; 
 
 I would like for you to think of this, 
 For I'm getting in a hurry. 
 
 ONLY CHANCE 
 
 Its Rard to be alone. 
 
 And bear all the blame; 
 For every dog there's a bone — 
 
 But finding out where its laying. 
 
62 
 
 So please find me an easy case, 
 Where my heart can flutter; 
 
 Where I can stammer face to face 
 In every word I mutter. 
 
 Go with me through the garden, 
 
 And hear the bugs I have to tell you 
 
 Give me your hand while you can, 
 This is the only chance to hear me. 
 
 WHERE BEAUTY DWELLS. 
 
 Of all there is in life, 
 
 Is a mother; 
 
 Then comes your loving wife, 
 
 In sorrow or in sadness. 
 
 She bids you do well; 
 
 Its only through kindness, 
 
 She speaks of you well. 
 
 Be hopeful and trusting. 
 The Gods will adore; 
 To share in the joy of life evermore. 
 
 Her's is all sympathy. 
 
 Oblivion keep; 
 Its more than honor, 
 
 To dwell at thy feet. 
 
 Moreover an angel, 
 
 Assuredly dwells. 
 Thy name is called legion, 
 
 Where beauty dwells. 
 
63 
 
 MANY TIMES MARRIED. 
 
 So much fills the grave so deep, 
 
 In no way to be spared; 
 So much for being such a piece, 
 
 To such grave things be married. 
 
 Such kindness comes to us unborn, 
 
 And gives us all away; 
 Its left for us to acknowledge the corn, 
 
 A hireHng wants his pay. 
 
 Why should we intrude on Old Father Time, 
 With this load we have to carry; 
 
 And be an angel so sublime, 
 And many times get married. 
 
 THE LIGHT AHEAD. 
 
 Behold the light ahead. 
 There's nothing for to dread; 
 
 No dreadful calamity dire, 
 
 She is belching forth the sparks — of fire. 
 
 In the night that is so dark, 
 
 And her throttle playing some melodious ire. 
 
 In the land of midnight dreams, 
 
 That grateful monster rides; 
 
 She is leaving many dreary miles between. 
 
 More obedient than a child. 
 
 Would such a monster smile, 
 
 When in the break of the morning light is seen. 
 
64 
 
 There's a stop just ahead, 
 Near the watershed. 
 
 Where the living waters flow, 
 
 So quaff his every thirst. 
 
 You know what now comes first. 
 Before my burden can be towed; 
 
 You know my locks were jet, 
 
 You see me pulling yet. 
 
 I will make the rankin metal ring. 
 There's plenty of stops on the road; 
 Where I dump my heavy load. 
 
 So turn her loose and let her ring-. 
 
 YOUNG MAN'S WOES. 
 
 A lover sits by a lover, 
 
 Says kindly, "Will yon be my friend," 
 Today we talk it over, 
 
 There will have to be some amends. 
 
 Do not call me friend any longer, 
 For attend such friendship of yours; 
 
 Each day my love grows stronger, 
 Your dallying will fill up my woes. 
 
 Love have you forgotten our station. 
 
 And life is only a dream; 
 Are you seeking your own damnation, 
 
 As the like of it so seems. 
 
65 
 KNOWS now TO EAT. 
 
 Ugly holds her own, 
 
 While beauty heaves a sigh; 
 An ugly old drone, 
 
 Works better in a hive. 
 
 As consistant as cheese. 
 And not so hard to please; 
 With a house of her own, 
 Where beauty has flown. 
 
 Her home is in the kitchen. 
 
 And not in the hall; 
 Knows how to cook a chicken. 
 
 And that is all. 
 
 Knows how to bake bread, 
 
 How to fry meat; 
 And that isn't all. 
 
 She knows how to eat. 
 
 ONLY A CENTURY AGO. 
 
 Oh ! what has become, 
 
 Of the nineteenth century man; 
 His time being short, 
 
 Is told by the brand. 
 
 Your ways are past telling, 
 From darkness till dawn; 
 
 From silent forebodings. 
 Oh ! where have you gone. 
 
66 
 
 He has come at your bidding. 
 
 He is going away; 
 What was a century ago, 
 
 Just for today. 
 A startled infant, 
 
 In the cradle did sleep; 
 Without a mother's protection, 
 
 From the great deep. 
 Fate hath preserved thee» 
 
 For many adore; 
 When you did wake. 
 
 You found it all yours. 
 From ocean to ocean, 
 
 From sea unto sea; 
 The earth's largest portion. 
 
 Still reserved for thee. 
 The nations all tremble. 
 
 At disturbing thy sleep; 
 Thy all powerful arm, 
 
 Would make angels weep. 
 For great are thy rejoicing, 
 
 Encumbered by no foe; 
 But what was it only 
 
 One century ago. 
 
 VISIONS OF RAPTURE. 
 
 No vision of raptures. 
 
 Bursts forth on our sight; 
 
 Like that of nineteen centuries ago, 
 Just for to-night. 
 
07 
 
 No glorious rehearsing, 
 
 Bright canopy, swell; 
 Bright vision of mercy, 
 
 Where do you dwell. 
 All flush with resentment, 
 
 Would the same angels sing; 
 We have the same mercy, 
 
 For we have the same king. 
 With total indifference, 
 
 Were the feast spread; 
 Not for intemperance, 
 
 Who has come out ahead. 
 For the bright shadows, 
 
 Have lengthened at last; 
 All that was beautiful, 
 
 Has a time past. 
 
 YEAR OF OUR VISION. 
 
 The year of our vision, 
 
 Bursts forth on our sight; 
 What were a century ago, 
 
 Just for to-night. 
 Mere boats plowed the mighty deep. 
 Only a cradle where the infant sleeps; 
 
 Oh, where is the old flint-lock gun, 
 
 Oh, marvelous age, what have you done. 
 The mill was turned. 
 
 By the rill that fliDwed; 
 Oh aged invention. 
 
 How much to him owed. 
 
68 
 
 No screeching whistle disturbs the night, 
 How shortly has silence taken its flight. 
 
 No deep intonation. 
 
 Falls on the ear; 
 Where have you gone, 
 
 And what did you fear. 
 
 An age of convulsion. 
 
 How long did you last; 
 Only remembered, 
 
 As things of the past. 
 
 WISE UNDERTAKER. 
 
 Vast armies come together, 
 
 To waft a weal of woe; 
 Each connecting link that severed, 
 
 Hath time to heal and go. 
 
 To record for all time, 
 
 Most noblest rise; 
 There's always such a gathering, 
 
 No other method devise. 
 
 .To cure an evil so profound. 
 Vast armies melt as snow; 
 
 The wise undertaker. 
 Of individual woes. 
 
 NOT WORTH A CUSS, 
 
 Man plays a new roll, 
 
 In every condition of life; 
 
69 
 
 Every new change unfold, 
 
 An unlimited amount of strife. 
 
 But the same cold earth receives him, 
 
 In life sick or well; 
 It's more than a wonder, 
 
 That they all don't go to hell. 
 
 Man is more than a caution, 
 
 And at best a dead beat; 
 So far as this world is concerned, 
 
 A great monstrous cheat. 
 
 A bag full of nothings, 
 
 And a soul full of fuss; 
 And if that don't count for something, 
 
 He is not worth a cuss. 
 
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