^S 635 29 P5 opy 1 VILLAGE BELLES and WEDDING BELLS A MOCK MARRIAGE, By G. R. 'PETTIGREW. iC Opy righted) Published by THE HERALD, DILLON, S. C VILLAGE BELLES and WEDDING BELLS A MOCK MARRIAGE. Coj>yright hy the Author G. R. PETTICREW (All Rights Reserved.) PUBLISHED BY THE HERALD, DILLON, S. C, Copyrighted 1914 / Q)C!.D 37665 JUN24 19(4 ^ f Village Belles And WedJing Bells. 1 CAST OF CHARACTERS. (The number of attendants may be reduc- ed at will.) Bride Miss Carrie May Catchem Groom Mr. Thomas Avery Eazimark Bride's Stepfather and Mother — Mr. and Mrs. Meriwether Matchmaker. Groom's Parents — Mr. and Mrs. Constantine Cupid Eazimark. Best Man Mr. Leander Limberlegs Maid of Honor — Miss Sophronia Snubnose Dame of Honor — Mrs. Lucretia Nimbletung Flower Girls — Rachel Ragtime, Dolly Dimple Ushers — Messrs. Zachariah Swallowtail and Turner Summerset. Organist Miss Flossie Fingerflinger Singer Miss Ima Nightingale Officiating Clergyman — Holdfast Hardshell, C. O. D. ATTENDANTS Miss Susannah Speckletoes, with Mr. Solo- mon Sluefoot. Miss Rhoda Rattlebrain, with Mr. Jonathan Muttonhead. Miss Cordelia Carbuncle, with Mr. Hezekiah 2 VILLAGE BELLES AND Heartsease. Miss Selina Slabsides, with Mr. Simon Slim- shanks. Miss Tabitha Tattletale, with Mr. Timotiiy Tightwad. Miss Deborah Dubblechin, with Mr. Nathan Crabtree. Miss Lydia Lockjaw, with Mr. Hyram Hard- tack. Miss Luella Ladybug, with Mr. Amos Skee- ter. Miss Dorinda Dowdie, with Mr. Shadrach Shamble. Miss Samantha Sourcrout, with Mr. Abe Cornstalk. Miss Jerusha Mai Jawback, with Mr. Ezra Squedunk. Miss Castoria Curlpapers, with Mr. Gabe Corkscrew\ A young Lawyer, a Magistrate, a Jeweler. (It is suggested that all of the parts be ta- ken by men and boys as dresses are easily pro- cured from wives and sisters at no expense If there be a local paper, publish the entire cast with the real names accompanying in pa- WEDDING BELLS rcnthesis. The subjoined invitation adapted to local conditions may be published in paper or on handbills and so circulated.) Mr. and Mrs. Meriwether Matchmaker request the honor of your presents at the marriage of their daughter Carrie May Catchem to Mr. Thomas Avery Eazimark on Wednesday evening, June ihe fifth, at eight o'clock, at the Auditorium, Washington, District of Columbia. CEREMONY. (Enter Ima Nightingale, preceded by Flos- sie Fingerflinger who plays as former sings. Wedding march follows as bridal party filef in.) Clergyman (addressing audience with much dignity and solemnity) : We are gathered together upon this suspi- cious and fateful occasion, beloved brethren, to seal and solemnize the consummation of a life purpose. When in the course of human events a woman discovers a mere man and highly resolves to form a perfect union for 4 VILLAGE BELLES AND the common defence, if he would hearken to the voice of experience let him make terms at once and call in a cut-rate splicer for the thing is as good as settled. His solitary pilgrimage is ended. This is especially true if the lady be a resolute female, such as our sister here (indicating bride). I have known her from my boyhood when she taught me in the pri- mary school. Even then she displayed the persevering persistency and pertinacious per- tinacity that have made her life notable in this community. I recall that she was play- fully nicknamed ''Melancholy" because when she discovered an unattached male she "mark- ed him for her own." Her motto seemed to be: Let us then be up and doing With a heart for any mate, Still persuading, still pursuing, Learn to make 'em take the bait! And though she entered no profession she has followed many pursuits. Carrie early mastered the scriptural truth that it is not well for man to live alone and she has devoted her life to the strenuous furtherance of this WEDDING BELLS great principle; and it must be admitted that the men she has met speedily decided that it was not well or even safe to live alone, but they invariably and unanimously calculated that it might still be well for our good sister to live alone. But hope sprang eternal in Car- rie's palpitating bosom. She has sailed Life's solemn main in search of a forlorn and ship- wrecked bachelor whom she might pilot into the Port of Matrimony, and many a bachelor has reached the coveted haven under her pi- lotage, but they always sailed in with another mate. Baffled by man and buffeted by fate, she has still pressed forward in the unequal conflict though the struggle never amounted to an engagement until she encountered our young brother here (indicating bridegroom) whom she now brings as a trophy of her tri- umph — the captive of her bow and spear, smokeless powder, and other weapons of her warfare too numerous to mention. And now we are to unite these two hearts which have throbbed in unison ever since Miss Finger- f linger flung off the stirring strains of the wedding march. 6 VILLAGE BELLES AND I cannot conclude this last sad rite without a word of solemn warning to the young and the simple. ''Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty," so have courage my boy to say "No." And now, if there is any one here or else- where who has any objection to offer to this marriage, let him speak or forever after hold his tongue. Meriwether Matchmaker rises to his feet.) Clergyman: Well, sir? Meriwether Matchmaker: I have no ob- jection. Clergyman: We are not concerned with the objections you haven't got, but with those which you have got. (Young lawyer rises.) Clergyman (addressing him: Who are you? Young lawyer: I am (gives name of lo- cal attorney, if any; if none, uses that sug- gested here) Blackstone Hair splitter, attor- ney at law, practicing in both State and Fed- eral Courts. Clergyman: Also magistrates' courts and 1 WEDDING BELLS tennis courts, I presume? Young Lawyer: You do presume, sir, in attempting to have this prisoner incriminate himself without the benefit of counsel (indi- cating groom and pausing sHghtly). It's against the constitution. Clergyman: It may be against his consti- tution, but he will have daily counsel frou] now on. Young Lawyer: Fll make an appeal. Clergyman: So will our brother here (in- dicating groom) daily and Sunday also, but you'll both be overruled. (Jeweler rises as law^yer sits down.) Clergyman: Who are you and what is your objection? Jeweler: I am Handy Skinner (or name of local jeweler) and I object to this marriage because it will ruin my business. Carrie has been my best asset for thirty years past and I simply can't afford the loss. Clergyman: It can hardly be maintained that this marriage is in restraint of trade, as trade and liberty are different things, so your objection is not well taken. 8 VILLAGE BELLES AND (Magistrate takes the floor as jeweler yields it.) Clergyman: Well, you seem to be next, sir, whoever you are. Magistrate: I am Jay Fuller Law (or name of local justice or magistrate), magis- trate (or trial justice) under the statues of the commonwealth of (names appropriate state). Clergyman: And what is your objection.^ Magistrate: I object because Fm not per- forming the obsequies myself. Clergyman (addressing the groom) : Thomas, did you procure a license? Groom (nervously) : She did (indicating bride). Clergyman: Then everything is regular. Magistrate: If you proceed with the per- formance Fll rule you for contempt of court! Clergyman: But court is not now in ses- sion, sir. Magistrate: Fll have you to know, sir, that this court is always an object of con- tempt! (Sits down, frowning fiercely). Clergyman: These objections all being WEDDING BELLS null and void, and clearly illegal, the ceremony will proceed. (Then addresses groom sol- emnly and deliberately) : Do you nozu take this winning maid to be your lazvful wife. To honor and obey her and never stir up strife? Will you respect her every whim and never cross her wishes, Scrub the floors, do the chores and bathe the dinner dishes f Will you? Groom: I will. Clergyman : Will you supply her every need and give her all the money. Call her your dearest Dovey-dove, likezvise your 'Ittle Honey f Will you support her Ma and Pa according to their stations, — Aunt Samantha, Uncle Jake and all the poor relations? Will you? Groom: I will. Clergyman : 10 VILLAGE BELLES AND Will you reciprocate in kind her zvarm and tender passion, — Renew each year her teeth and hair accord- ing to the fashion? Buy her a motor car to match her stockings and her dresses. And vow to her each day you live that she your heart possesses? Thomas, wilt thou? Groom: I — zvilt! (totters and bride sup- ports him until he recovers). Clergyman (addressing bride after confus- ion is over) : Do you accept this shrinking hoy as your one chance at marriage, To pour his tea zvith queenly grace and love his motor carriage? Do you now plight your solemn pledge to nur- ture and endear him To your maternal heart of hearts and pa- tiently to rear him? Do you? Bride: I do. Clerg}Tnan : V/ill vou instruct him hoiv to cook and use WEDDING BELLS 11 the kettle-scraper, While you play Rook for Huylers or a box of writing paper? Will you be kind and true and never force the boy to wheedle, Bui zvhen his socks need darning zvill you help him thread the needle? Will you? Bride: I will. Clergyman: Will you allozv him to retain a work box for his stitches, Whenever he is called upon perchance to patch his breeches? JVill you allozv him fifty cents each month for his expenses, And zvhen he calls for more zvill you recall him to his senses? Carrie, mnll you? Bride: Of course I will. We agreed on all that before we came here ! Clergyman (addressing audience): It ap- pears that this brother and sister desire to try double harness. What is your will, brethren? Meriwether Matchmaker: I move that 12 VILLAGE BELLES AND WEDDING BELLS they be united in the fetters and shackles of matrimony. Best Man: I second the motion. Clergyman: All in favor of this promotion will signify it by saying "!.'' Bridal party and relatives (in chorus) ''1." Clergyman: All opposed will say "No.'* Lawyer, Jeweler and Magistrate: "No." Clergyman (with meaning emphasis) : The affirmative unanimously prevails and it is so ordered. Thomas (to groom), have you en- tirely recovered your strength? Groom: I think I have, sir. Clergyman: Then salute your bride! (Groom salutes bride with resounding smack. ) Clergyman (to audience: Ah! I see he is as strong as ever; (then to couple): I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Avery Eazimark. That which has been so solemnly ratified, let no man seek to annul. (Bridal party files out to the strains of wedding march.)