FS /osf 
 
 l'^6 
 
PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE. 
 
 A FARCE. 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 Dr. Rubber Dam, a Dentist. 
 ORrnEus Bkethoven Jovful, <a Musician. 
 CiiuisrnpiiEU Crcesds, a Nabob. 
 
 Bois Kinr.EY (l;etter known as Dr. Ridley), a Colored Boy. 
 Buskin Socks, an Amateur Tragedian. 
 .Lauisv Laxiga:;, an Irish Porter. 
 Ti\ Wah, a Chinese Laundry-Man. 
 Mrs. Morev, Dr. Dam's Landlady. 
 Kate Crcesus, Christopher's Daughter. 
 MiLLY MoREY, Mrs. Morey's Daughter. 
 
 , . ! . ■ V hi 
 COSTUMES. 
 
 Dr. Dasi. Dark suit, witli velvet breakfast-jneket- 
 JovFUL. Foppish dress. Light wig ; light moustache. 
 Crcesl's. Dark coat, white vest, light pants, white hat. Gray 
 
 wig. 
 Bob. Jacket and trousers ; curly Tvig; blackface. 
 Sucks. Dark clothes; rolling collar; coat buttoned at waist; 
 
 black gloves. Black wig; short side-whiskers ; goatee. 
 Lakhv. Rough suit. Red cropped wig. 
 Tin Waii. Chinaman's suit, with pigtail. 
 Mrs. Morey. Dark dress-cap, and spectacles. 
 Kate. Handsome walking-dress. 
 MiLLY. Neat morning-dres.s. 
 
 189 
 
190 
 
 PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE. 
 
 Scene. — Dr. Dam's Operating-room. Dental chair, 
 with spittoon, l., near footlights. Folding screen at 
 hack and side, n.'ofit. Opposite side, v,^ screen 
 turned the other xoay. Door c. l. o/* door, against 
 wall, cabinet of instruments. Small table, with 
 chair, B. of c. 
 
 UF 
 
 H 
 
 QF 
 
 OS5 
 
 A Dental Chair. 
 B Spittoon. 
 
 C Screen. 
 D Screen. 
 
 E Table. 
 FF Chairs. 
 
 G Centre Door 
 H Cabinet. 
 
 Dr. Dam {seated at table, with memorandum-book 
 and pencil in Juind). Psliaw ! one might as well stare 
 at a blank wall as study tliis engngenient-book. I must 
 be patient, for there's no, patient lor me to-day. How 
 can I fill my mouth with no mouths to fill? How pull 
 through, with no teeth to pUll'? Give it up. I'm called' 
 pretty good on conundrums, but here's a stump. Mrs. 
 Morey, my landlady, wants money : so do I ; and we 
 are both likely to wait, in the present healthy state of 
 human grindeis in this locality. Hang it ! why was I 
 not born a millionnaire, instead of being obliged to 
 live from hand to mouth ? Ah, then 1 should be able 
 to boldly face the divinity whom I meet every morning 
 in my "constitutional" about t!ic Park. Ah, she is a 
 beauty ! she trips along so daintily, and smiles so sweet- 
 
PADDLE YOXTR OWN CANOE. 191 
 
 ly when I lift niy hat. Who is she ? There is ah air 
 of refinement, the speaking air of prosperity in her 
 attire, — 
 
 , " Grace in her step, and heaven in her eye." 
 
 Come, come, Rubber, this won't do. Rub her out 
 of lyour day-dreams. There is not an aching tooth in 
 her liead to fiU^ the aching void in your heart too near 
 those tempting lips. {^Knoclc at door.) Come in. 
 
 (Enter Mus. Mo key, c.) 
 
 Mrs. Morey. Dr. Dnm, I want my little bill. 
 
 Dr. Haven't seen him, JMrs. Morey. If you want 
 some one to run an errand, I'll lend you Dr. Ridley — 
 only he's not in yet. 
 
 Mr^. Morey. It's not my precious William that I 
 seek, doctor, and you know it. It's the little bill for 
 rent that's troubling me. ifffn oir. 
 
 Dr. Don't let it, Mrs. Morey. Be a: man; bearmis- 
 foitjme bravely ; laugh at dull care, and whistle mer- 
 rily. 
 
 Mrp. Morey. Which means, whistle for my .money. 
 O, doctor,, doctor, whe;!.!,. I let yuu these elegant apart- 
 ments foi" six dollars a week, fire and lights included, 
 I didn't think you would cheat a lone widow of her 
 dues. 
 
 Dr. Don't, Mrs. Morey. Yk)u touch my heart; my 
 pocket, too. The first is full of compassion, tlie last of 
 — nothing. I mean well ; but,, hang it, the busijiess 
 dou't draw. Say nOjUjore ; you shall have your money. 
 {^Takes out watch.y This is worth something; I'll go 
 and j)awn it at once. 
 
192 PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOlJ. 
 
 Mrs. 3Ioreij. No, indeed, you shnll not. I will 
 wait a few days. 
 
 Dr. {aside). That's a precious watclt. It always 
 brings her to time. {Aloud) Yes, but I insist on pay- 
 ing you at once. 
 
 3Irs. More}/. No, no ; it was your father's watqh. 
 
 Dr. It shall become my uncle's ; we'll thus keep it 
 in the f iniily, 
 
 3frs. Morey. No, no. I want the money to pay 
 Milly's music-master ; he can wait. Poor child, how 
 pale and sad she grows. 
 
 Dr. Music doesn't agree with her. 
 
 Milhj {singing outside).- " I'd offer thee this hand of 
 mine, if I could love thee less." 
 
 Mrs. M. She's always singing that, poor child ! Over 
 the kitchen range, in the xink aniong the <lishes, that 
 sad, sweet song mingles with her domestic duties. 
 
 Dr. Yes ; her voice has a wide range ; it rolls and 
 swells with the rattle of her dishes, — a soprano, I 
 should judge. 
 
 'Mrs. M. Ah, I shall never rear her; she's destined 
 for an early grave. Love, doctor, love is devastating 
 her youthful hopes. 
 
 Dr. O, it's not so bad as that. Who is the object 
 of her affections ? 
 
 Mrs. M. 'Tis he Who has cultivated her voice to 
 seraphic song. ' ' ". ' 
 
 Dr. O, the music-rriastef? 
 
 Mrs. M. Yes, the music-master. lie comes : she 
 sighs and sings. He goes : she weeps, yet sings as 
 sweetly as a dying swan. O, doctor, never mind the 
 
PADDLE YOmi OWN CANOE. 193 
 
 bill; come in and see Milly; perhaps your presence 
 moy cheer her ; perhaps divert her attention from this 
 tuneiul charmer with the falsetto voice. 
 
 Dr. No, Mrs. Morey, I couldn't charm away the 
 falsetto voice. If she was in Iqvq wi^h a false set of 
 teeth, I might, be able to console her. , 
 
 3Irs. M. O, doctor, doctor, this is no jesting matter! 
 But don't trouble yourself about the bill ; don't pawn 
 your watch. I know you are poor, but I think you are 
 yar>,,^ipnest man.. (Crcesus, open& door.) If you can- 
 not pay the rent, I can wait. (I^un^ agaip,st Ceo&sus, 
 whjo enter$;) . . Good gracious! \_Exit c. 
 
 , r C'rms%tf^ Take care ; take care, woman ! ( Comes 
 down.) Confound her! she's nearly knocked the breath 
 -out of my body ! So, sir, yo^ can't pay your rent? 
 
 JDr. Sir! What's that to you?>] y,., ,j., 
 ^, , Crmsxta. Hallo ! Hallo, young man! ; Do you know 
 _)vho I f^m ? ■ 
 
 Dr. No ; and, what's more, I don't care. 
 Croesus. I'm Clnistopher Croesus ! Ha! you start! 
 ^.y^^..Dr, Not a peg. , 
 
 CVo^sMS., . Rich, sir; enormously wealthy; million- 
 .n;iir,e, amt j\l,l that sort of thing — but not proqd ; no, 
 jiQ— Tiiipt proud. .M^ule it ,myself. Came to .town 
 a boy, barefooted ; slick with a small bundle —^ very 
 small bundle — over my shoulder. Poor but honest 
 parents -+- and all that sort of thing. 
 
 Dr. . :That sort of thing's played out. I came the 
 saine way, -;-• ininus the bundle. 
 , . 6VcB6'tf|S. ft It; wasn't Jong before I had my carriage! 
 ' Dr,. A Uuijd-cait ? \ : 
 
 13 
 
1^ FADDLE TOUR OWN CANOE. 
 
 Crcesus. Kfght ; it Avas, I pedctlecl fish, flcviserl a 
 -^■wny to jiivserve them, made money, speculated, nVid 
 lierc I am independent, sir, — iiidependent! and all be- 
 cause I pAddled my own canoe! 
 Dr. Well, wliat of it ? 
 
 Crcesus. What of it? It enabled' me to extend a 
 •helifmg liand to the unfortunate. You can't pay your 
 rent. ( Takes out wallet.) I'll pay it for you. Come, 
 how much i* it?'"'^ t'«'"-M ;>'■■ i'\". ^';"i" \ -'^ ''•' 
 
 Dr. Mbre'than'''yblV"6aft ]:)liy; beca'tis^i tit'e yoii, I 
 pui'i^ose to paddle my own canoe. 
 
 •"■ Crcesus. That's right. I like your spunk. Now 
 ■ td'business. You're a dentist ; pull teeth, and all that 
 Sort of thing? 
 
 ^; Exactly ; that ii my business. Take a scat 
 there, and let me look into your mouth. 
 '^^"■G^«a^sfii^.^ Noi 'L th.-irtk .you. ' 'No cold iron forme. 
 My daughter, sir, Miss Kate Crcesus, wants a tooth ex- 
 tracted. She'll be here in half an hour. 
 • ^'Dr. Delighted to m'ect hbf;^* •"''^ ''• 
 
 Croesus. No doubt of it; but rnifid, no nonsense, 
 
 yoUng man. If she hapjiens to have a pr6tty mouth, — 
 
 r'hnd-shd has, — don't make too long a job of it, and don't 
 
 fall in'love Avith her. I w6n't have it— and I'm Chris- 
 
 tojyliTH- Croesus, I am. Do your duty like a man, and 
 
 _ reme^mb'^V, no nonsense.' ' '\_JExit c. 
 
 Dr. Well, the old gentleman seems anxtous about 
 
 'hlis daughter. Rich, is he? He 's worth knowing; 
 
 but I do hope the daughter is a little more agreeable.' 
 
 • JJ(}'gful'{6iitsitl€, si?i(/s). " O, where art thoii now, my 
 
 beloved ? " (inters.) O, here you ire, Rubber, the man 
 
PADDLE YOUR OWN CAN.QE, 195 
 
 Fve been looking for. Rubber, give me joy ; fortune 
 is about to smile upon me. I have seen the future 
 mistress of ray home — the wife of my hosom. {Sings.) 
 
 " She wore a wreath of roses, 
 - , , , .,,,, The day when first we met." 
 
 I>¥. libld on, Joyful. .Who is the lady with the 
 
 J., • .' X-.v. r. ;;u.;— ..-;.- rX>r ::-:. 
 
 wreath ot roses.'' , ^ .. ; ^ .,_. .. > ,., 
 
 Joyful. The fairest or the fair. Now, who do you 
 think? You canriot gue$s. It^'s the daughter of Chris- 
 topher CrcEsus. " "" ' Vr 'V ... r ' ■ 
 
 Dr. Croesus?' Why, he s just been here ! 
 
 Joyful. I know it ; I sent him. Miss Kate is my 
 pupil ; a charming girl. Rubber. Last night she spent 
 a sleepless nighf with the toothache; this morning, 
 visiting lier' for the purpose of giving her a lessoi\ in 
 music, and finding her stilt suffering, I suggested a visit 
 to you. Old gentleman started off at qnce,-aiid she 's 
 to follow. ' , -• ■ ' 
 
 Dr. In half an hour? Joyful, I'm much obliged 
 to you for speaking a good word, for me. 
 
 Joyful. Are you ? I'm glad of th/it; one good turn 
 deserves another'; and you can do n^e a great favor. 
 Listen. One t^an't bend over a bewitching girl while 
 her taper fingers are fingering the keys of a piano with- 
 out fi-'cling a tender interest in her — at least I can't. 
 Rubber, I have come to love that girl to distraction. 
 
 Dr. And she returns your love ? 
 
 Joyful. Well, I think so. She's sighed a great deal 
 of late ;it may have been the toothache, but I think 
 she has a tender regard for me. 
 
1^ PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE^ 
 
 T)r. " Why, tier father 's a nabob ! 
 
 Joiifid. Ail the better, Rubber. 
 
 Pt. Yes; but ricb men don't throw away their 
 daughters. ^"i to rtroTW 
 
 Joyful. Throw away ! Hubber, you forget who I 
 am. Orpheus Beethoven Joyful, Professor of Music! 
 
 Dr. Yes, I know, — and a good fellow ;' but music, 
 and money are generally , found on. different . scales. 
 Well, what can I do for you? ••' 
 
 Joyful. You can find out forme if she loves me. 
 
 Dr. You'd better find that out yourself 
 
 Joyful. No, there's too much at stake. Suppose I 
 should confess my passion -r- be rejected. I lose my 
 situation as music-master: don't you see? 
 
 Dr. I see that, but don't see how I can help yon. 
 
 Joyful. The easiest thing in the world. You ex- 
 tract teeth. How? 
 
 Dr. With forceps. 
 
 Joyful., Yes; but you sometimes employ a subtle 
 agent to trnnquillizc the victim. Gas. Under its influ- 
 ence, the victim has been known to confess secrets ; 
 don't 'you see?' You induce Miss Kate to. inhale it; 
 ghe speaks, and you tell me what she says. If she 
 loves me shoMl he sure to speak, and I shall know my 
 fate without the fear of making a mistake. 
 
 Dr. A vpry ingenious plot, Joyful. 
 
 Joyful. '''And you'll make use of it? 
 
 Dr. Yes; it can do no harm. But I must be off. 
 Wher'e^ dan that Wy of mine be? I've not had my 
 lil-eakfifst, and only half an hour before ISijliss Kate 
 makes her appearance 1 
 
PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE. 197 
 
 toilful. Well, run and get it. I'll keep shop until 
 you return. 
 
 Dr. Ail right. (Goes behmd screen r. ; changes 
 coat.) 
 
 "" Joi/fut: I shnll l<nn\v my fiite. I nm sure she loves 
 me. {JTnter Du. from screen.) Make yourself easy, 
 Rubber; I'm in lio hurry. 
 
 . Dr. I'll not be gone long, and the boy will soon 
 relieve you. [_Exit c. 
 
 Jojiful. Don't hurry yourself. What an ensy life 
 Rubber has hei'e, pulling teeth. Why, a boy could do 
 that, {Goes to case and opens draicers.) Here's his 
 forceps. I'<1 like to try my hand. (Bob Ridley sticks 
 his liead in at door c.) 
 
 Dob. Say, Mistier O. B. Joyful, whar — whar de boss? 
 
 Joyful. Hallo, Dr. Ridley ! you're late this morn- 
 
 i"g- 
 
 Bob. Dai's a fac, Massa O. B. ( Comes doicn.) '^pec 
 de (loctor jes pnll his har vi^id wexation. 
 
 Joyful. He'll be more likely to pull yours, if he can 
 got a hold on it. 
 
 Bob {mbbiiig his head). Yah, yah, yah! Guess 
 not ; dar ain't no chance for a grab dar. It ain't de 
 hand-some kind. Yah, yah! Say, Massa O. B., whar — 
 whar your fiddle? 
 
 Joyful. At home, Doctor; broke a string at the 
 concert hist night. 
 
 Dob. Inleed did you? I wus to de consart las 
 night ; dat's de reason I'se late dis yer raornin'. 
 
 Joyful. A\\\ What concert, Doctor? 
 
 Dob, Thomases in de back yard ! Yah, yah, yah I 
 
198 PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE. 
 
 Jes kep jna awake de whole night long wid dcr 
 
 music 
 
 Joyful. Threw their whole soul into it, hey? 
 
 Boh. Yas indeed, till I frowed my ole boots ; den 
 dar war a pair of soles into it — not whole ones 
 nudder. • 
 
 Joyful. I suppose you nnderstand the business of 
 dentistry pretty well — don't yon, Doctor ? 
 
 Boh.\ Yas indeed; all de fundaments ov it. 
 
 Joyful. Ah ! And what are t!>e fnnd!nn,ents, i)octor ? 
 
 Boh. Svveepin' de floors, and makin'cle fires. 
 
 Joyful. E^'er drawn any ? . . : \ 
 
 Boh. How? Yas, yas; drawn ray wages ebery 
 Saturday night. 
 
 .Jfoyful. . I mean; pulled anything? 
 
 Boh. Pull off de doctor's boots. 
 
 Joyful. Where does he keep his gas ? 
 
 Boh. In de observ.atoiy dar. 
 
 Joyful. O, the laboratory, you mean. Do you know 
 howto prepare it ?. , . 
 
 Boh. Guess I does ! Does you want a dose ? 
 {KtiacJc a,t the door.) Hallo, dar's a patient ! Whar's 
 de doc' ? 
 
 Joyful. Gone to breakfast. 
 
 Boh. Den I'll jist send de jiatient off. 
 
 Joyful. No, .no ; let the patient in ; perhaps I can 
 accommodate him. 
 
 Boh. you? By golly! Well, I'll show him in. 
 ( Opens door.) 
 
PADDLE XOUB OWN CANOE. 19^ 
 
 {Enter Socks, traglcalhjy liolding his face!) 
 
 Socks. " I do reniembcr an apothecary, and some- 
 where about here he did dwell." 
 
 !Bob. Yas, yas ; right down stairs, fust door to de 
 left. 
 
 jSocks, "Ye secret, dark, and midnight hags, what 
 is'tyedo?" {Hand to face.) O! 
 
 J3ob. How — wh-wli-wlio 's a hag? Dis am a inci- 
 dental destitute. Pull all de teeth out ob yer head 
 widout pain. 
 
 Socks. " I have an aching tooth." O ! 
 
 Joyful Take a seat, sir, and we'll soOn haul it out. 
 
 Socks. Thaiik you. Be very careful, sir, and take 
 the right one. My teeth are jnecions pearls on wliich 
 the footlights gleam. In Macbeth — you've seen my 
 Macbeth ? 
 
 Joyful. Never met him, sir. Is he in the medical 
 profession ? 
 
 ' Socks. Pshaw ! I'm an amateixr actor, sir; a trage- 
 dian. Macbeth is my masterpiece. I play it with my 
 teeth thus. {Shows teeth set.) 
 
 "Lay on, Macduff, 
 And damned be he who first cries hold ! enough ! '* 
 
 Joyful. That is called tearing a passion to tatters, I 
 suppose. 
 
 Socks. Yon see, if you should accidentally remove 
 one of those shining lights, you rob me of my props 
 " whereby I live." O ! Be very careful, sir. {Sits in 
 dental chair.) .. 
 
200 . PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE. 
 
 Joyful {JooJcing in mouth). I sec it. Can, yon en- 
 cliirc the ])fun ? 
 
 .-jS<>chs. ''I cnn do nil that may become a man; who 
 can do more is none." ' .0 ! 
 
 liob (cisiile). , Y;;!s, you wail, till <le iron gits a good 
 hold ; den won't ho holler? Y.ih, y:ih ! 
 ' ^'0,'//'^^^' I iW<i have an innocent preparation for dead- 
 ening [lain ; hadn't yon better try it? 
 .,tSoc/cs. "Throw physic to I , the dogs. I'll none 
 
 of it." t ., ,(i! iH.*J 
 
 Joyful. Very well, sir. (Goes to case, and takes 
 instrument.) {Asiih) Now fof my first experiment. 
 (Comes ( I ownwith forceps.) 
 
 Spcks. Hold on ; Fll try the painkiller. 
 
 Joyful.: , All right. Bob, brinor the gas. 
 
 J3oh. Yas indeed, {Aside) We'll see de fun now, 
 snie yon born ! {Goe^ heliiitd screen.) 
 
 /Socks. Yon .-Jrc a regitlar jnactitioneTfysir ? 
 
 Joyftd. Certainly. (Aside) On llie violin. 
 
 iSocks.- " I want no quack ! Out on you impostors ! 
 V:';! Qnack salving, cheating mountebanks; your fckill 
 Is to make sound men sick -^ and sick men kill." 
 
 (Enter Bob/t©)^' screen, witJi bag of gas.) 
 
 H oh (aside). Yas; Well, I guess you'll be a pretty 
 sick man afore your troubles arc ober. 
 
 Joyful (takes bag). Now, sir, if you will inhale this 
 quietly, you will sirdc into a deep and blissful sleep. 
 (Gines bag to Hocks:) 
 
 fSocks. >.'Give me. the cup; I'll drain it eie I die." 
 
 £ob. Will you, honey ? Well, I'll jes see de fun. 
 
PADDLE YOUK O^N CANOE. 201 
 
 (Goes l)ehind Screen k., and standby g on a chdir^ peeps 
 over top. Socks inhales gas from bar/.) 
 • Joyful. '. He tiikt'S to it benutifully. I wish Rubber 
 couKl witness tliis little operatioiHso easily /jwfbrHied 
 by an amateur ; he'd not brag quite so nuich of his 
 profession. Hallo, liallo ! 
 
 .^■jSocks [starts up, and excitedly throws doini hag, 
 hrekthiny' heavily, eyes rolling, teeth set). Ha, ha, ha! 
 (Steps off'' to c. of stage. Joyful runs behind screen l., 
 creeps round and gets up into chair, looking over screen 
 as SacKS continues spouting tragically). 
 I'm free ! I'm free ! Base tyrants, tremble ! 
 This rock shall fly from its firnl base as soon as I. 
 Here I devote your senate. I, Macbeth, 
 Spit on your graves. Up, Freeriien, uj) ! 
 There's a lii^ht in the window for thee. 
 Here I stiind and scoff you ! 
 Go show your slaves liow choleric 'you are, and make 
 
 ■■ :■ your bondmen tremble'!"--''.»J'.' ; 
 BloWj wind ! Come, wrack ! (•-■•'mt!'^'!' 
 At least we'll die with harness on our back. 
 Hang out your banners ! Rin-g the battle-cry ! 
 Vengeance and Libeity !. ( Throios doicn chair.) 
 Root, hog; or die! \_Exit c, Stamping.'] (Bob a7id 
 JoYFur- look across at each other over screen ) 
 
 Joyful. Bob, he's gone without the operation ! 
 
 I^ob. Yas indeed. He didn't gas wuff a cent! 
 (Comes from behind screen.) 
 
 Joyful {gets out of chair). Well, he's out, if his 
 tooth isn't. Ah ! I should have extracted that molar 
 beautifully, and shown Rubber how little knowledge is 
 required in dentistry^ ^ 
 
202 PADDLE YOUR 0W1N CANOE. 
 
 Boh (pic/v's iqy rubber bag). Dos a fafe. {Knockat 
 door.) Dar's auudder. 
 
 Joyful. Show him in ; perhaps I shall have better 
 luck this time, (^oji opens door.) 
 
 {Enter Laery.) 
 
 Larry _ {with a handkerchief tied over his face). Och, 
 mmther. ! It's kilt I am intirely wid the ^tat>thache I 
 Is this a dedical doothor's, I dnnno ? 
 
 Joyful. This is a dentist's office. 
 
 Larry. A dintist? Vhat's that? Shm-e I wants 
 'a tootli-puller. 
 
 Joyful. ' Tliat is our business. What's the troitble? 
 
 Jjarry. Throuble, is it? Begorra, the throuble was 
 last night at Biddy: Fiynn's w:iko, and all along of Pat 
 Mnloncy ! Shnre w-e weve aH jolly, whin Pat Maloney 
 let fly a i)etaty, which same struck me full in the mouth, 
 — the ujiserable spalpeen! Begorra, it was a inshult 
 to the mournful occasion ; an' — an' — my blood was 
 up. So I just shtripped off me coat, and wid me fislit 
 laid Misther Maloney sinseless on his back, crying 
 murther ! It was an illegant shpread he made ! but he 
 wns soon up and kim at inc.' Thin — we all became 
 Sociable, We put in the licks, and jnit out the lights ; 
 the girls shcramed and the min fought, till poor Biddy- 
 Fiynh, the corpse — who said niver a word — was 
 complately buried under a pile of broken chairs and 
 crockery ! 
 
 Bob. Golly! regular jamboree ! 
 
 Joyful. Well, how did it conclude ? 
 :.. Xfftrry. Conclude, is it? Begorra, I dunno. But it 
 
PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE. ^0^ 
 
 was an illegant fight, nnflmyjaws ache -wh] tjie rattling 
 I got; nu' one av my teeth is broken off iiitirely ; an' 
 IM tliaiik you to be afillier ridding me av the remain- 
 der, fof it's riot a wink av slajDC I've had the night WiJ 
 the aches in it. 
 
 Joiiful. ' Take a seat, and let me look at it. 
 
 Larry. ■ To be sluirc I will. (Sits in chair.) Mayh^ 
 yez might slitick it together wid a little j)Iasth('r. ' 
 
 Joyful {looks at tooth). No; it's a bad fractltre ; 
 extraction is the only ihing th:it will relieve you. 
 
 Larry. Extraction, is it ? Shnre you'(l better pnll 
 it Mit, for it's distraction I'm sufferin' wid thejnmpin' 
 of'the craylhur. 
 
 Joyful. Very well ; out it shall come. Will you 
 inhale gas? .s«"^j\ i.- 
 
 Larry. Inhale ? fat's that? 
 
 Joyful.^ We give gas sometimes, to prevent the 
 j^atient experiencing pain in the operation. 
 
 Larry. Gas — is that \Vhat you're giving me ? Och, 
 bother! gas less, and pull more. 
 
 Joyful. It will be much easier for you, if you alloxi' 
 ■me to give you something soothing. 
 
 Larry. ThatVall right. Gi^fe me a little whiskey, 
 thin. '■ ' '• -' 
 
 Joyful. You don't understand; I'll show you. Bob,' 
 bring the gas. ' yi; J (it I '. ^n< ■■'•.:■ 
 
 Bob. Yas, sir; in de'iSag? Fotch '\t right away. 
 (Goes behind screen. J oyfvl yets forceps.) '• 
 
 Larry. Och, murther! the craythur is just laping 
 wid delight to come out av my mouth. S'hure Pat 
 Maloney shall pay the bill. : • 
 
20i PADDLE YOUR OWN.CANGB. 
 
 {Enter Bob with hog. Joyful comes ctotcn.) 
 
 ^ ,;JBob. There yon is, Misscr Joyful. 
 
 ■ : Joyful {takes hag). N<?w my man, put this to your 
 
 moutli, and take a good pull. 
 
 Larry {takes hag). Wliiskey in a bag! Here's 
 illegnnce. {Inhales.) Sliure that's no sperit ; it's swat- 
 ened wind! No raattljer; it's a moighty foine taste. 
 j^J^ihales.) I 
 
 Joyful. He takes to it readily — a fine subject. I 
 jtliink. this will prove more succossfiil than the last. 
 {Jjauut breathes sv^iftly and, loudly. ) Ah! it's taking 
 effect. He will soon be ni>conscions. {lj\Rn\ Jumps 
 tajii^:f($ft, and t/irqics down bpg^ Sit do^wn, my dear 
 fellow. {Attempts to seat him. Larry swi?}gs round 
 his arm and vpsets him on stage.) 
 ,y', Larry. Whooh.! Whouh ! {Steps dqwn from, chair^ 
 and strides up and dotcn stage, sjm'nging his arms.) 
 < lioh. By golly ! he 's got de jiinjams ! {Runs behind 
 screen right., and appears over top as h-if ore. Joyful 
 creeps round and g^ts i}}to chair as before.\ 
 
 Larry. Whooh ! Whooh ! I'm the boy from Tippe^ 
 rary }; who'll thread oi^the tail avmeco!)t? I'm jist 
 si)iling for a fight. Pat Maloney, yon thaif av ih^ 
 * wnr-rcld, will yon thread on the ta,il> yiv me cqat? 
 Whooh! whooh! I'm Larry Lannignn. Come on — 
 coipe on! (^Fights f he air toith his fist.) All at a lime, 
 or one togiether.. Th€\re, take that, you ihaif; and that, 
 y^u spalpeen! {Fights and kicks.) I'm the game 
 .chicken of Tippei;(^ry. .( Throws dfi^n, chair.) Whooh ! 
 whooh! I adr YjRa \_JSxit,c. 
 
PADDT.E YOITR OWN CAKOBi 205 
 
 s2?o5. .Tipper -who ? Tipper who? Yas; tip^ober 
 de x'hnirs -^ wid yt'r foolin'. 
 
 Joyful. Another failurie, Bob. 
 
 J3oh. Yas ; well, I sj^uess de <xas don't conflnmmerate 
 wid dat ar feller. {Comes from behind screen^ and 
 picks vp bag. J. 
 
 Joyful. Well, I sliall have to give it up. But I did 
 want to extract a mf)lar.. • 
 
 JSob. Did ye ? I fbus;ht ye. wanted to pull a toof. 
 (Juiock iit door.) An' dnr's anudder, sure 's you born. 
 Gtiess we'll R't liini go. 
 
 JoyfiiT. No, let him in; I'm determined to pull 
 sometliing. (Bon yoes to door ; optens it. Tin Waii 
 appears witJi bundle.) ' 
 
 Bob. Wliy, no ; j'ses itam ; dat's Washee Washce. 
 Tin WaI),vvli;nSyou been ? 
 
 Tin Wf/i {f/rinninr/). Heap busy — washee Melican 
 man — heap cheatee — all same — dirty -^ bah'l 
 
 Hob. Golly! Tin Wah,. hole your hush. De 'doc 
 taw am no dirty. Wh-wh-wh-what you mean ? ^ib 
 mc de bundle. .[I . 
 
 Tin Wuh. No; brackee takee mussee muchee. 
 i^Laijs imiHile oji table.) 
 
 Hob. Yas indeedy, brackee mashee your molasses- 
 colored profile, Tin Wah. Away, Chinaman, dis am 
 no place for de headen. {PusJmiy him towards daor.) 
 
 Joyful. Hold on, Bob. I want to talk to him. 
 {Aside^l wonder how the gns will affect him. (Aloud) 
 Mr. Chinaman, do you like opium ? 
 
 Tin Wah. Bely muchee; Chinaman smokee. Mel- 
 ican man smokee baccy ; makee Melican man liappy ; 
 Chinaman sickce. Bah ! no likee dat. 
 
208 PADDLE YOUR OWN -XJAirOB, 
 
 ■.^.Jo'fffid. Well, Tin Wnb, I'll treat yon. WeVe got 
 the aiticle you like, but not to smoke. I'll-shdw you 
 how the Melicrin man takes it. ' • ■-. 
 
 ■ i'THn Wah, Melican man bely kind. Chinaman takce 
 anfl t|jankee bely ranch heap. ; 1 
 
 Joyful. Well, take a seat. {Leads him to chair.) 
 Bob, brittg the bag. 
 
 JBob. What's dnt yon say?. 
 
 Joyful. Biing the i(fl8. :^ 
 .' TinWah (jumping vp).' Gas! Not muchee ; burn 
 Chinaman. No like sniellee. 
 
 Joyful {pushing him' back). It's all right, Tin. This 
 is another kind^ — another name for your favorite. 
 
 JBob. Golly ! he jes set Tin W:di crazy wtd his non- 
 sense. . No matter ; I'll see de fun. 
 
 \_Exit behind screen. 
 r. Tin.' No cheatee ? , >, 
 
 Joyful. No^ indeed. You'll like it. (Bon 7'ettirns.) 
 
 JBob. Dar's a good dope. 
 
 Joyful... Well, yon give it to him, Boh. {Goes foi..) 
 
 JBob. Sjjeck I will. Here, Tin Wab, take hold, and 
 Jiole yer nose ; hole yer nose. 
 
 Tin {takes bag). Bely light ; no mnehee flare. 
 ■Bob... Put yer mouf to de nozzle dar. ( Takes hold 
 of Tix Wah's nose.) Now. gib a whiff — gib a whiff. 
 (Tin inhales.) 
 
 Tin (pulling it away). Bely good. Ki yi ! 
 
 Bob. Whiff away — whiff away ; you don't git de 
 flavor yet. (Tix inhales with much seemina gratifica- 
 tion., throwing out Ids arms and kicking.) Dat's it — 
 dat'^ it ; i he 's getting jiatui'al jzed 1 
 ■ -.'n ooikioa r. ' 
 
PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOC 20? 
 
 Tin {snatches, atc^y-hagi^ holding it bi/'noztle). Ki'yi! 
 Yah, Melican mnn iniichee line — mueliee jolly. Ki 
 yi ! {Strikes BoiJ on head with hag.. Bon falls on 
 stage ; Tin" Waii dances about, swinging hag^ Melican 
 man fool! Blackee all the. sam'e so. KL yi! (Bob 
 attempts to get up. Tin strikes him oii head ; he falls 
 again.y 
 
 Hob. Das a f;ic. Lef me up ; lof me up. 
 
 .Tin {(Umding -about stage). Tin "Wah clrnnkee — 
 heap jolly.. No wasHee — washee! Hi yali.!' Bnstee, 
 Bobee, bustee brackee head ! ( Chasesl^oxi about stage 
 icith bag, striking him.) 
 
 Hob. Quit, yon fool! Quit, you f )ol ! 
 
 Tin. Ki yi ! Chin nnan Empekn' now ! No washee, 
 :iw> slave — Ki yi ! ki yi ! [Flings bag at Bob, and 
 runs out c.) . • 
 
 Joyful. Well, that experiment broke down. 
 : Bob. Yas ; and de roof ob any head 's broke down 
 clear to smash. Misser Joyful, you may be a good 
 phusiean, but if you attempt any more dentistery, just 
 luff mo out ob de peppergram. 
 
 Joyful. Well, Bob, I'm sorry for you ; but I meant 
 well. 
 
 Bob. Yas indeed, it wias 'too much mean, das a fac. 
 
 {Enter Dr. Dam, c.) 
 
 Br. Well, Joyful, here I am. {Goes behind screen^ 
 and changes coat for velvet jacket.) 
 
 Joyful {to Bon). Not a word about visitor?!, Bob. 
 
 Bob. No; dey didn't leave no word; dey left dem- 
 selves. , {Goes to case, takes a piece of wash-leather^ 
 and rubs instruments. Dr. appears.) 
 
208 PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE. 
 
 Dr. Nothing stirring, I suppose, since I've been 
 gone ? 
 
 • Joyful. No, nothing worth mentioning. '< 
 ' l^ob (aside). Dat ar Chinaman stirred nic ; dat's 
 *wuff mention, I speck. (Knock at door.) 
 ' Dr. Ah ! that must be my new patient. 
 
 Joyful. If it is, remember your promise. Rubber. 
 I'll step aside. ( GoeB behind screen., \^.) 
 ■Boh (aside). Yas ; he wants to see ffe fun now. 
 
 Dr. Why don't you go to the door, Doctor? 
 
 Dob. Yas indeed, I 's going' ( Ojyens door.) 
 
 (Enter Kate.) 
 
 . Kate. Is the doctor in ? 
 
 Dr. .(aside). My divinity, by all that's glorious! 
 (Aloud) He is, Miss Croosus. Take a seat. 
 
 Kate. You — Dr. Dam ? Well, I am surprivSedjbut 
 rery glad indeed, for I believe we have a slight ac- 
 quaintance. (BoD returns to his rcork.) 
 
 Dob (aside). Pretty as a, sunflower! 
 
 Dr. O, yes, we've often met. Your father called 
 this morning. If you will take a seat, I will look at 
 the tooth. 
 
 Kate (sits, in dentist's chair). Don't hurt mo, please. 
 
 Dr. No more than is necessary. (Examines tooth.) 
 
 Dob (aside). Dat's what I call hovering ober an 
 abyss ob bliss. (Sinys.) 
 
 " Monkey married de baboon's sister, 
 Smacked his lips, and den he kissed her." 
 
 Dr. Doctor ! 
 ■Dob. Ax your pardon. I wa — wa — tvas dreaming. 
 
PADDLE YOUn OWN CANOE. 209 
 
 Dr. That too ih must come out. 
 
 Kate. Odear! Can yoA l&,ke it out without pain- 
 ing me ? ■ 
 
 Dr. Ceftaiiily, if you will consent to inhale the gas. 
 
 luxte. But I don't like to do that. Is there no other 
 way? -A .-.^T ..:. 
 
 '< Dr, Not without pain. You have nothing to fear. 
 If you will step down, I will give you a proof. — Doc- 
 tor, aSic Miss Milly to step here a moment. (Kate 
 steps from chair, and sits by table.) 
 
 Dob. Yas, snr; d' recti y, sar. \_Exit c. 
 
 Dr. A young friend of mine, the daughter of my 
 landtiidy, often inhales it for amusement. She will no 
 doubt consent to show you .how harmless are its effects. 
 
 Kate. You must have a great deal of practice, doc- 
 tor: suct» to, pretty office! ,V.):bi.v. 
 
 Dr. Well, as to practice, I am a new-comer here, 
 and not ke[)t as busy as I would like to be. At pres- 
 ent I live on hope. 
 
 1 Kate. Nourishing food to one who has an object 
 for ambition to si'cure ! 
 
 Dr. Well, I have an object, for above me, that I 
 sigh to gain. 
 
 - Kate. Be bold, and it is yours. To a young man 
 who has talents, good principles, and courage, no piize 
 the Avorld can offer is above bis reach. 
 
 Dr. E\en if be be ])()or in purse — 
 
 Kate. Poverty is nolbiug: it may be yours to-day 
 and mine to-morrow. For my part, bad I suitors, I 
 should -i-egard the poorest with the most satisfaction, 
 w+th ab eye to what the future might have in store for 
 him. 14 
 
210 PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE. 
 
 Joyful Uoho is behind screen^ looJdng down tipon them., 
 aside). GoQcl! ■ Tliat means me. Sho's mine! she's 
 mine ! 
 
 {Enter Bob, c, followed by Milly.) 
 
 JBob. Here she am, doctor!') ' 
 
 Milly. Do you want me. Dr. Dam ? 
 
 Dr. If yoiii can spare time, I should like you to 
 show tins' young lady, —Miss Morey, Miss Crossus! 
 {ladies acknovdedge)., — whoisa little timid, how harm- 
 less is the gas we give. v 
 
 Milly. Certainly. You know I like it. {Sits in 
 chair. Dr. goes behind screen, l.) There's not the 
 least danger. Miss CrcBsus. It makes me very, very 
 happy, and vvithoiit it I am .missrable. 
 
 Dob {aside). Yas, she'd take fbrty-leben gallons 
 afore breakfas', an', like de little childen, cry f >r more. 
 
 {Enter Dr., with bag.) 
 
 Dr. Now, Milly. {Giving bag.) 
 ' Milly. I'm sure I shall talk nonsense ; you know I 
 always do. {Inhales gas. Dr. holds bag.) 
 ' Dr. No matter; you are doing a kindness, Milly. 
 Jfilly {inhales, then drops bag, clasps her hands). O, 
 how happy —happy I am! O, now I see you — Or- 
 pheus — Beethoven — Joyful ! Musical name ! You 
 smile upon me ! You love me ! Tell me again, and 
 again, and again, you love me, as I have loved you — 
 ever, and ever, and ever so long. 
 , ifoyful {Uside). Hullo! I've made a conquest there!. 
 Milly. We walk together — we clasp hands — your 
 arm glides about my waist. Your lips — your lips — 
 
PADDLE YOUR OWJT CANOE. 211 
 
 your -i— lips — (stops, sighs, and then looks round). 
 Well, that's over. Did I talk nonsense ? 
 
 Dr. No, indeed. Had I been the object of your 
 thoughts, I should have been glad I overheard such a 
 confession. (Aside) I wonder how Joyful will take 
 that. (Goes behind screen with hag, Milly steps 
 fxom chair.) 
 
 Kate. You mentioned in your dreams a name with 
 which i am familiar — Mr. Joyful. 
 
 Milly. Do you know him? Isn't he splendid ! 
 
 Kate. O, well — so-so. He's my music-master. 
 
 Milly. And mine {sighs). And I think he's just 
 splendid ! And so I spoke his name ? Well, I couldn't 
 say too much in his praise — no moi-e than I would say 
 to his face — if he ever gives me a chance. But that's 
 not likely (sighs). Good morning, Miss Croesus. 
 
 IMcit c. 
 
 Kate. Good morning. — Splendid, indeed! He's 
 not to be compai-ed to this neighbor of hers. (Enter 
 Dr. fro7n screeti, with bag.) O dear ! it's my turn 
 now. 
 
 Dr. Now, Miss Croesus, if you will take the chair 
 once nioi'e, we will release the offending member from 
 his allegiance. (Kate s;its in chair.) You see, it is 
 harmless., (Takes forceps from drawer, and comes 
 down to chair.) 
 
 Kate. Which? (Pointing to' forceps.) 
 
 Dr. Both — one Avilh the help of the other. Now, 
 if you please.. (Gives bag. She inhales.) 
 
 £ob. Golly! dat's fus-rate. De next thing she 
 knows she won't know iiuffin. 
 
212 PADDLE YOUK OWN CANOE. 
 
 ■ J^oyfid (^sticking his head over screen). Now is the 
 auspicious moment of my life. I tremble while I hope. 
 (Dk. takes aicay bag.) 
 
 Kate. Hush — hush ! . How quiet — what beautiful 
 trees — how bright the sun shines here ! Ah, there he 
 is — the stranger — I love to meet. He lifts his hat 
 — what a pleasant smile — a noble fnce. Why do 
 you pass on ? -^ Because I am rich ? — Never fear. — 
 Hearts arc not weighed like money-bags. Do n^t fear 
 me. I long to know you — for I love you — yes, love 
 you. {Seizes the doctor's hand.) Why don't you speak 
 to me ? 
 
 Joyful (aside). Confound it ! she's got the wrong 
 man. {Aloxtd) Rubber! Rubber! 
 
 Bob. Luf her be. She don't need no rubbin' : she 
 ain't rheumatic. 
 
 Dr. I do not dare. I am a poor man. {Enter 
 Crcesus, c.) Your father would not listen to me were 
 I to ask an introduction. 
 
 Kate. Do not feaV — I love ,you — I love you ! 
 
 Dr. {aside). I did not dream of this.. {Aloud). 
 Forget \itQ. Your father has trusted me, and I will not 
 betray his confidence. 
 
 Kate. Fathers have fli«ty hearts — hearts — hearts. 
 {Sits still a moment, then rubs her eyes.) Well, is it 
 out ? 
 
 Dr. Pardon me. I was so interested in your speech 
 I forgot my business. I will procure more gas. 
 
 Croesus {coming doicn). No you won't, sir. There's 
 been too much gas wasted here already. How dare 
 you, sir — how dare you put my daughter in such a 
 
PADDIiE TOim OWN CANOE, i ^ 213 
 
 degrading position ? How dare you tell her you love 
 her? • 
 
 Kate. Indeed!: What have Zdone? 
 
 Joyful (aside). Upset my appl(;-cait. No matter, 
 I know wliere I'm wanted. ( Gets dotcn, and. goes 
 outc). 
 
 Dr. Your pardon, Mr. Croesus. What youv daugh- 
 ter has said, under the influence of my special agent, 
 would! never hdve: been known. You alone are to 
 blame for divulging the secrets of my dental apart- 
 ment. 
 
 Croesus. And do you mean to say that you would 
 not take advantnge of lier confession to try to win her? 
 
 Dr. As I am a gentleman, no, sir. When your 
 daughter leaves this place, we are strangers as belbre. 
 
 Croesus. No, sir ; you are no longer strangers. — 
 Kate, this gentlemnii — Dr. Dam — I present to you 
 as a suitor for your hand. He has my full permission 
 to Avin you if he can; and if he's the dentist he's 
 Cracked up to be, there'll be a Rubber Dam over your 
 mouth before you're a day older. Now don't talk. 
 Have that tooth out at once. 
 
 Kate. Not to day^ father. I'll come another day. 
 
 Croesus. I'll be bound you will. 
 
 {Enter Joyful with Milly on his arm.) 
 
 tToyful. Give me joy. Rubber. I've found the future 
 partner of my joys. 
 
 Dr. How's this. Joyful ? I thought — 
 -Joyful. No matter what you thought. Rubber. It's 
 all right. I'm satisfied, aud you ought to be. 
 
214: . PADBTLE YOTJR CWK CANOE, r 
 
 ' CroRsus. Why, that's Joyftd, your music-master, 
 Kate. 
 
 I]ob. Dat's him -ir Oi B. Joyful J plays i on to de 
 fiddle — . - • ' .i^:Y.-^^)\. 
 
 Dr. Doctor!- '■ y ^ 
 
 JBoh. Dat's me — Doctor Ridley. (^Sings') "O, old 
 Ridley, O ! " Must sing on dis joyful occasion. 
 
 Larry. \ . « ■ r Be jabers, where is he ? 
 
 ^*''^- y *' \j.' -< Melioan doctor! Hi-yah! 
 r, T ( together. . j „ , . , ^ „ -^ 
 
 bocks. ) \ Set huu before my face. 
 
 {All enter together .') 
 
 Dr. Hullo! What's the matter? 
 
 Larry. Me tooth, be jabers ! { 
 
 //T. , TIT T I, ' J * ) (All start towards 
 
 1 171. Melican man heap cheatee- -/ ^ 
 
 Socks. " I am undone, undone! " ( '^ 
 
 Dob, R. Be gorry, dar's gwine to be trouble ! 
 
 Dr. {stepping before Joyful). Stop this,' and ex- 
 plain. . ; : ; : 
 ''Joyful. Perhaps I'd betteri' Rubber. These are. 
 patients of yours, whom in your absehce/I attempted to 
 operate upon. — Gentlemen, it's all a mistake. The 
 real doctor has arrived, and will attend to your aches. 
 
 Socks. Dastard, you sent me flying through the 
 streets like a madman. Me, the star of the amateur 
 firmament, Went shooting down stairs. 
 
 Bob. Ob course, iob course. You was a shooting- 
 star, dat's all. ' :, 
 
 Larry. And me, be jabers, onto, the fi^ht of a 
 butcher, who broke me other jaw wid his tisht. Be- 
 gorra, I'll have ssttisfaetion, so I will. ' : , 
 
PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE. 215 
 
 JBoh. Dat's so. Somebody tread on de tail ob his 
 (Joat. 
 
 Tin. Bah ! Chinaman smashee windee ; fall in the 
 mud ; muddy all ober he. Bah ! 
 
 J3ob. By golly ! den Tin Wah was nowhar. 
 
 J9r. ,,You shall all have satisfaction — at another 
 time. So, Joyful, you thought dentistry was easy 
 work ? 
 
 Joyful. And found myself mistaken. But I've 
 learned one thing — that both in dentistry and wooing 
 there's a deal of gas used. 
 
 Dr. Have you.? Well, there's one thing more you 
 can learn. 
 
 Joyful. "What is that? 
 
 Dr. Never to meddle with edged tools. And still 
 another — 
 
 Joyful. Well, let's have it all. 
 
 Dr. Never seek assistance in a love a£fair; but take 
 my motto — Paddle your own canoe. 
 
 
 Situations. 
 
 
 K. BoD, 
 
 c. Crcestjs. 
 
 Ka.te, l. 
 
 Tin, 
 
 
 Dr., 
 
 Socks, 
 
 
 MiLLY, 
 
 Lakry. 
 
 
 Joyful. 
 
 --'£ji ,(izLnzz ^ szj 
 
. rBooki tlut nr Teachen ought to have on had to SFICZ UF Tlth BSV asft 
 thdSr" — St. Louis JcJurnal os Education. 
 
 G-feO. IVC. B-Air^EIi'S - 
 
 Selections in Pfose and Poetry f 
 
 Serious, Humorous. Pathetic, Patriotic,, and Dramatic. FRE^H 
 
 and ATTRACTIVE PIECES for SCHOOL SPEAKERS' 
 
 and READING CiRCLE§. 
 
 In the words of the Gospfx Banner, — 
 
 ' From fjrnrp to gn^^frnni Urehf to, sc?'ere,* 
 ., . . j *i Jit )}niitrt) nnd pro^ ajwiicioitt mixture hc'-e ; 
 
 ' " JSe.Mile inillnndish ilialicls. full <>/ woiil.i oilil and qveer, 
 
 > .rf*/ f 'tf {.,-Wfiicft Stir oiie's'sctiseo/ fiuiitor ns theif /alt vi>on the e(ti\ 
 J II f < Jf > // 1 ) . JJieoiaitC to thuse who read ur Sfjeuk as unto llmse iclio hear. 
 
 Published in Parts, each Part containing. Fifty Selections. Paper Covers, 15 
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 40 cents each, « . 
 
 XtEA-XJIKTO CI1.XJB OSTO. 1- 
 
 "We have many readers and books that purport to furnish pieces for the use 
 of amateur speakers and juvenile orators. But the great defect in nearly ail of 
 them is, that their selections are made from the same series of authors. We are 
 surfeited ati nauseam with ' The boy slood on the burning deck, ' ' On Linden, 
 when the sun was low,' ' My name is Norval ! ' or, ' My voice isstrllfdr war.' 
 But in tlii-i volume, the first of a scries, Mr. -Baker deviates from, the beaten 
 track, and furnishes some fifty selections which have not been publisTied before 
 in any col eetion ef readings. Mr. linker has himself written many pieces for.the 
 ahiateur sta^e.-and acliieved a reputation as a public reader, so (hai he is en>Inently 
 qualified by his own experience for the task of teaching others." — i'hil.Age. ^ 
 
 E,EA.aDIKrC3- CXjXJB 3sro. 2. 
 
 "Mr. "Baker deserves the thanks of the reading public for his indefatigable 
 
 endeavors in the field of light and agreeable literature. The selections are made 
 
 witli good taste, and the book wi!L be of great value for its indicated purpose." — 
 
 New Haven Courier. 
 
 " lu its adaptation to day schools, seminaries, colleges, and home reading, the 
 Vfprk srilV bef found very superior in its varitty and adaptability of contents."— 
 Dayton {Ohio) Press, 
 
 ••'•'' HEA-IDIKTO CLXJB KTO- 3. • 
 
 "Tliis is one of those books that our teachers ought to have at hand to sfiice 
 u/> with now and then. This is No. 3 of the series, and they are all brim full 
 of short articles, serious, humorous, pathetic, patriotic, iind draiiiatic. Send and 
 get one, and you will be sure to get the rest." — St. Louis Journal of Educa- 
 tion, Jan. 1876. 
 
 "The young elocutionist will find it a convenient rocket companion, and the 
 general reader derive much amusement at odd moments from its perusal." — 
 Forest and Stream, N. V., Jan. 6, 1S76. 
 
 IlJE.A.UIia^C3- CyLiXJB liTO. 4- (Just Jieadi/.) 
 
 Sold hy all booksellers, and tent by mail, postpaid, on receipt 0/ price, 
 
 LEE & SHEFAEL, Publishers, Boston. 
 
7Q^OQjOaG<iaQ^(JQ'0Q'OQ'OOO0-<30j0^OQ'OQ'O<^<^Q^'3Q 
 
 e@^ 
 
 SPEITCEH'S UNIVERSAL STAGE, 
 
 . I>iainoncl cut l>iamond. An In- ' 
 
 tcrlude in One Act. By \Y. H. Mur- ! 
 ray. 10 Male, 1 Female character, i 
 . 1,00k after Bro^vn. A Farce in 
 One Act. By George A. Stuart, 1 
 M. D. (i JIale, 1 Female character. < 
 
 . Monscigneur. A Drama in Three 
 
 Acts. By Tliomas Archer. 15 Male, 
 
 3 Female characters. 
 . A very pleasant Evening. A 
 
 Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. j 
 
 3 JIale characters. 
 . BrotUer Ben. A Farce in One i 
 
 Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 
 
 Female cliaracters. 
 . Only a Clod. A Comic Drama in 
 
 One Act. liy J. P. Simpson. 4 Male, 
 
 1 Female character. 
 ;. Gaspartlo the Gondolier. A 
 
 Drama in Three Acts. By George 
 Almar. 10 Male, :i Female charac- 
 ters. ! 
 •i ) 43. Siinsliine tliroiigU the Clouds. 
 A Drama in ()ne Act. By Slingshy 
 Lawrence. 3 JIale, 3 Female char- 
 acters. 
 
 :. Bon't Judge by Appearances. 
 A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Mor- 
 to\i. 3 Blale, 2 Female characters. 
 
 i. IVursey ChickAveed. A Farce in 
 One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 
 Male, 2 Female characters. 
 
 ). Mary Moo; or, Which shall I 
 Marry.' A Farce in One Act. By 
 \y. K. Sutcr. 2 Male, 1 Female 
 character.- 
 
 r. XCast I>ynne. A Drarria in Five 
 Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters. 
 
 i. The Hidden Hand. A Drama in 
 Five Acts. By Kobert Jones, hi 
 Male, 7 Female cliaracters. 
 
 J. Silverstone's^Vager. ACommedi- 
 ctta in One Act. liy II. K. Andrews. 
 4 Male, 3 Female characters. 
 
 0. Dora. A Pastoral Drama in Three 
 Acts. By Charles Keade. 5 Male, 
 
 2 Female cliaracters. 
 
 1. Blanks and Prizes. A Farce in 
 One Act. By Dexter Smith. 5 
 Male. 2 Female characters. 
 
 2. Old <i;ooseberry. A Farce in One 
 Act. By T. .}. Williams. 4 Male, 
 2 Female characters. 
 
 TVho's IVho. A Farce in One Act. 
 By T. J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Fe- 
 male characters. 
 
 Bouquet. A Farce in One Act. 2 
 Male, 3 Female characters. 
 
 The TVife's Secret. A Play in 
 Five Acts. By George W. Lovell. 
 10 Male, 2 Female characters. 
 
 The Babes iA the 'Wood. A 
 
 Comedy in Three Acts. By Tom 
 Taylor. 10 Male, 3 Female charac- 
 ters. 
 Putkins : Heir to Castles in the 
 Air. A Comic Drama in One Act. 
 By W. K. Emerson. 2 Male, 2 Fe- 
 male characters. 
 
 An rfgly Customer. A Farce in 
 One Act. By Thomas J. Will'amf.. 
 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 
 
 Blue and Cherry. A Comedy in 
 One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female charac- 
 ters. 
 
 A Doubtful Victory. A Comedy 
 in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female char- 
 acters. 
 
 The Scarlet letter. A Drama n 
 Tlirce Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female car- 
 acters. 
 
 Which will have Him ? A Vau- 
 deville. 1 Male, 2 Female charac- 
 ters. 
 
 Madam is Abed. A Vaudeville in 
 One Act. 2 Male, 2 Female cliarac- 
 ters. 
 
 The Anonymous Kiss. A Vaude- 
 ville. 2 Male, 2 Female characters. 
 
 The Cleft Stick. A Comedy in 
 Three Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female char- 
 acters. 
 
 A Soldier, a Sailor, a Tinker, 
 and a Tailor. A Farce in One 
 Act. 4 51 ale, 2 Female characters. 
 . Give a Dog a Bad JVame. A 
 Farce. 2 Male, :' Female Characters. 
 , Damon and Pythias. A Farce. 
 'i Jlale, 4 Female characters. 
 
 A Husband to Order. A Serio- 
 comic Drama in Two Acts. 5 Male, 
 , 3 Female characters. 
 
 Payable on Demand. A Domes- 
 tic Drama in Two Acts. 7 Male, 1 
 Female cliaractor. 
 
 Price, 15 cents each. Descriptive Catalogue mailed free on application to 
 GEOc Mo BAKER & CO., 
 
 N08. 41-45 Franklin Street, Boston. 
 
LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 
 
 015 785 406 9 
 
 ' CEORCE M. BAKER, 
 
 Author of '•'■Amateur Dramas^" " The Mimic Stage," " The Social Stage" " The Drawing-Room 
 Stage," " Bandy Dramas" " The Exhibition Drama" '■'A Baker's Dozen," <fcc. 
 
 Titles in this Type are JVew Plays. 
 Titles in this Type are Temperance Plays. 
 
 DRAMAS. 
 
 In Three Acts. ( 
 
 The Flower of the JTamily, 5 
 
 male, ^ female char 
 
 Enlisted for the War. 7 male, 3 fe- 
 male characters 
 
 My Brother's Keeper. 5 male, 3 fe- 
 male char 
 
 The Utile Srown tTug, 5 male, 3 
 
 female char 
 
 In T1U0 Acts. 
 
 Above the Clouds. 7 male, 3 female 
 characters 
 
 One Iliiudred Tears Ago. 7 male, 
 ,\ female char 
 
 Among the Breakers. 6 male, 4 female 
 char 
 
 Bread on the Waters. 5 male, 3 female 
 char 
 
 Down by the Sea. 6 male, 3 female 
 char 
 
 Once on a Time. 4 male, 2 female char. 
 
 The Last Loaf. 5 male, 3 female char. 
 In One Act. 
 
 Stand by the Flag. 5 male char. . . 
 
 The Tempter. 3 male, i female char. 
 
 COMEDIES AND FARCES. 
 
 A Mysterious disappearance. 4 
 
 male, 3 female char 
 
 Paddle Your O^vn Canoe. 7 male, 
 
 3 female char 
 
 A JDrop too Much. 4 male, 2 female 
 
 characters. 
 
 A JAttle More Cider. 3 male, 3 fe- 
 male char 
 
 A Thorn Among the Roses. 2 male, 6 
 female char 
 
 Never Say Die. 3 male, 3 female char. 
 
 Seeing the Elephant. 6 male, 3 female 
 char 
 
 The Boston Dip. 4 male, 3 female char. 
 
 Thk Di;cHESS OF Dublin. 6 male, 4 fe- 
 male char 
 
 Thirty Minutes for Refreshments. 
 
 4 male, 3 fem.ale char 
 
 IF'e're all Teetotalers. 4 male, 2 fe- 
 male char 
 
 Male Characters Only. 
 
 A Close Sh.\ve. 6 char 
 
 A Public Benefactor. 6 char 
 
 A Sea of Troubles. 8 char 
 
 A Tender Attachment. 7 char. . . . 
 
 Coals of Fire. 6 ch.ir 
 
 Freedom of the Press. 8 char. . . . 
 
 COMEDIES, &c., continued. 
 
 Shall Our mothers Vote ? 11 char. 
 Gentlemen of the Jury. 12 char. . . 
 Humors of the Strike. 8 char. . . 
 My Uncle the Captain. 6 char. . . 
 New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. . 
 
 The Great Elixir. 9 char 
 
 The Hypochondriac. 5 char 
 
 The Man ivith the Detnijohn. 4 
 
 char 
 
 The Runaways. 4 char 
 
 The Thief of Time. 6 char 15 
 
 Wanted, a Male Cook. 4 char. ... 15 
 
 Female Characters Only. 
 
 A Love of a Bonnet. 5 char. ... 15 
 
 A Precious Pickle. 6 char 15 
 
 No CiRE no Pay. 7 char. .'.... 15 
 
 The Champion of Her Sex. 8 char. . 15 
 
 The Greatest Plague in Life. 8 cha. 15 
 
 The Grecian Bend. 7 char 15 
 
 The Red Chignon. 6 char 15 
 
 Using the Weed. 7 char 15 
 
 ALLEGORIES. 
 
 Arranged for Ulusic and Tableaux. 
 
 Lightheart's Pilgrimage. 8 female 
 char IS 
 
 The Revolt of the Bees, g female 
 char 15 
 
 The Sculptor's Triumph, i male, 4 fe- 
 male char 15 
 
 The Tourn.\ment of Idvlcourt. 10 
 female char 15 
 
 The War of the Roses. S female char. 15 
 
 MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. 
 
 male, 
 
 female 
 
 An Original Idea. 
 
 char, 15 
 
 Bonbons ; or, the Paint King. 6 male, 
 I female char 25 
 
 Capuletta ; or, Romeo and Juliet 
 Restored. 3 male, i female char. . 15 
 
 Santa Claus' Frolics 15 
 
 Snow-bound ; or, Alonzo the Brave 
 and the Fair Imogene. 3 male, i 
 female char 25 
 
 The Merry Christmas of the Old 
 Woman who lived in a Shoe. . . 15 
 
 The Pedler of Very Nice. 7 male 
 char '5 
 
 The Seven Ages. A Tableau Entertain- 
 ment. Numerous male and female char. 15 
 
 Too Late for the Train. 2 male char. 15 
 
 The Visions of Freedom, ii female 
 char IS 
 
 CEO. M. BAKER &. CO., 41-45 Franklin St., Boston. 
 
 Baker's Humorous Dialogues. 
 Baker's Humorous Dialogues. 
 
 Male characters only. 25 cents. 
 Female characters only. 25 ceuti.